#one day i'll get around to actually rigging this guy

[apric0tfield]

[blueishspace]

Looped Sun 2

Loop #16

They didn't stop looping in time, but at least they had eachother. Grian had to admit that it was almost fun with Scar around, definitely felt less lonely with someone else to talk to.

Loop #19

It took 3 loops for Scar to suggest having some fun with this, spice it up. Grian hadn't expected stealing Martyns and Ren bit would be their objective this time but he didn't mind. Getting to be king and screaming "red winter is coming" was actually quite funny and being all shady in Last Life was nice too. As Secret Life comes to an end Scar whispers.

Scar: Alright alright, let me be king next time ok?

Grian laughs at the suggestion just in time for-

Loop #21

Grian had noticed soon that not every loop started the same exact day a while ago but he never expected to wake up already during Limited Life.

Surely things couldn't get weirder then that.

Loop #26

He spoke too soon. This time around he woke up as he was singing a piece of paper, a declaration of indipendence, while wearing a very weird blue american indipendence outfit together wih people he had never met before.

He just went along with it of course and fighting against a weird masked guy for indipendence had been a breath of fresh air but Scar was still missing and Grian was very confused the whole time.

Well until ...

Scar: Thank you Soot, however I think that I could run this country far better!

Grian: Scar? Where were you!? ... What are you doing!?

Scar: That's why I'm going to run myself! Vote for Scar 2020!

To be fair it took some times for things to go badly.

Grian: This is your fault you know that right?

Scar: Hey! Look! At least the country didn't explode or something-

*Boom*

Grian: ...

Scar: ...that wasn't me.

Loop #31

Grian: Damn I didn't bring enough tnt to rig the enchanter. How did I forget??

Scar: Don't worry! I got some!

Grian: Oh thank... where did you get it?

Scar: I kept it in my second inventory from last loop.

Grian: Your what?

Scar: We have a second inventory now! Didn't you notice!

Grian: I see it now ...how?

Scar: It keeps stuff safe from one loop to the other! Cool right!?

Grian: ... Like an enchanting table? But for loops?

Scar: I guess?

Grian: How are you not freaking out about this!?!

Loop #33

This time they woke up early, back in season 6! Grian doesn't understand why Scar doesn't care because he does! Why can't someone explain it to him for ender sake.

Loop #36

Someone explained it. He and Scar woke up somewhere completely different and it was confusing and scary but they finally got answers.

Grian: So our universe is part of a big big big tree?

Anakin: Yes, like every other.

Grian: And the tree is what, under maintenance?

Anakin: Basically.

Grian: And so we are stuck looping?

Anakin: You don't need to pretend to be calm, I can feel your emotions in the force.

Grian: So... we are stuck? Forever?!?

Anakin: Not forever forever, until the tree is fixed-

Grian: So possibly for billions of years!?!

Anakin: Some of the older loops have been going for trillions even.

Grian: ... I'll... I...need to think.

Anakin: I'll write some useful terms down so you can read them once you aren't... You know.

Grian: Guess I have all the time in the world to come to terms with it... Scar is going to hate that he didn't get to meet you.

Loop #37

Scar: ....soooo what you up to?

Grian: Memorising these terms Anakin gave us.

Scar: Ooh sounds...fun!

Grian: Every loop has an anchor, without it the loop can't exist. I tought I was the anchor but it's not possible because I was sent to a different loop last tims.

Scar: So am I the anchor?

Grian: You were missing for the first loops Scar... the only option that makes sense is that both of us are anchors. But even then...

Grian underlines the term "co-anchors" a bunch of times.

Scar: Does that mean I'll get to meet Anakin Skywalker?

Grian: Probably? One day?

Scar: Wooooho!

Loop #38

They were waiting for the moon to crash when Scar posed the question.

Scar: Do you think we can just... stop the moon?

Grian: Hmmm... I guess I never tought about it, why?

Scar: I don't know, just thinking.

Grian: I have an idea...

Loop #43

Scar: Grian what are you doing?

Grian: You remember how last loop started in s7?

Scar: ... Yeah?

Grian: I decided to keep something in my pocket this time around.

Grian took out a golden gauntlet with 6 colored glowing stones.

Scar: ... The button?

Grian: The button.

Grian snapped and the moon disappeared.. He then carefully removed and pocketed it again.

Grian: Well, I'm surprised it actually...worked...

Scar: But what happened to it?

Grian: I just made it really really small.

Loop #51

This was unbearable, Grian tought it was weird when this loops Timmy was acting like an incapable child, then he became worried when he saw that Scott was a pacifist who wouldn't hurt a fly, and then Cleo started burning down literally everything and he started to question his life choices. Everyone was barely themselves, it was like they had been replaced by very cheap imitations.

(Poor Grian had to walk into fanonland)

Loop #67

Scott Smajor liked to think he was often in control of the situation. Not many people liked that about him but if he died it was by his decision.

He didn't feel very in control at the moment, back in the Last Life with Grian and Scar being completely different from what he remembered them being... And he didn't like it one bit.

Scott: Ok ok, stop it!

Grian: What do you mean? We aren't doing anything wrong!

Scott: It isn't right! You are supposed to be in a team with Jimmy and Martyn and you Scar should be alone on a mountain!

Scar: ...

Grian: ...

Scott: ... Sorry that was-

Grian: You remember too?

Scar: New looper! New looper!

Scott: ...uh?

Prev Next

[indecisivepsyche]

The Last Voyage of the Demeter as an Adaptation

Okay, a few days later, but I'm still bursting with thoughts about The Last Voyage of the Demeter. Let's go! I'll go ahead and say that this is going to contain spoilers for Dracula up to October 4th, so don't read this if this is your first go around with Dracula Daily.

This is going to be a bit long, but if you don't have much time and are curious about my major two bones to pick with the film, just skip to the bottom. I'll put a heading. I'm also putting this under a read more due to the number of thoughts I have.

One thing before that: I'd be curious to see how many words from the Captain's Log were taken verbatim from the book. Some of the sentences certainly seemed familiar, but there were also clear differences.

I don't need to address the addition of Clemens, Toby, and Anna, do I? The movie used Clemens and Anna to offer different perspectives and convey information the normal crew members wouldn't know. Toby helped ramp up emotional investment and fear. I guess you could suggest that the voyage would have played out almost as it did in the books if these characters weren't present. Eh, kind of, since they changed how vampires work.

Let me start by discussing Dracula himself. I knew going in that this movie was going to position him more as an aggressive movie monster than a stealthy, steady deliverer of dread. He certainly acted that way with his brutal attacks and monstrous form, but there is something about his portrayal that I appreciated. He had moments where it was clear that he had 'human' intelligence (God I wish I understood those first words he uttered to that poor guy on the rigging). As an extension, it seems to be a very valid interpretation that he was straight-up fucking with the crew, playing with his food. No need for the pleasantries he must've exchanged with Jonathan, no need for negotiations like with the villagers/Romani. Time to play with his food! Him using the knocking to frighten and attract the crewman one night was particularly effective.

I actually do question if he was acting with that first attack with him crawling out from under the stairs. Was the movie implying that this Dracula is greatly weakened by just a short time without blood? He was quite quick and powerful when he finally struck, though, so it might have been him seeing what kind of reaction he could get.

Can't say too much about his design since I'm not well versed on horror monsters, but I thought it was effective. Reminded me of The Descent. One thing I liked about his form is that his eyes did seem to be informed by the description of them burning.

A minor gripe I have about Dracula is that they didn't quite play around with his powers as much as they could have. It seemed to me that when the dog saw his shadow that it was taking on the shape of a wolf, but that could have been me deluding myself. I do really wish that they had taken at least one opportunity to show him either turning into or forming out of mist.

Why didn't they have someone stab him only to be met by air like what happened to the First Mate in the book? The reason is probably budget, but it would have helped explain how he got into the cabin with Toby when the hole in the door wasn't large enough for him to fit through. That was an effectively suspenseful and horrific scene, but I imagine it left the layperson with questions.

Let me take this opportunity to pivot to the thralls/fledgling vampires. They were interesting! A bit like the Bloofer Lady but a lot more mindless. They provided the writer with opportunities to pull from later in the book. I liked the use of blood transfusions, the concept that in addition to keeping the recipient alive, it was also helping to water down a sort of vampirism infection.

It also played with the connection Mina formed with Dracula after he fed on her! Anna started talking about what she was experiencing through Dracula and I almost thought some of her descriptions were word-for-word Mina's account of Drac's boat trip.

This brings me to the thralls/vampires being set on fire by the sun. I honestly just decided to shrug and accept this. That's a fatal weakness prominent in pop culture and tied to Dracula since Nosferatu. It's easier to wrap your head around than him just being weakened by it. They also used it to great effect with two horrifying scenes (poor Captain) and one emotional one at the end. It's fine.

You know what's not fine?

The Bones I Have to Pick

Hey. Hey movie team. Look at this passage from Dracula:

"The man was simply fastened by his hands, tied one over the other, to a spoke of the wheel. Between the inner hand and the wood was a crucifix, the set of beads on which it was fastened being around both wrists and wheel, and all kept fast by the binding cords. The poor fellow may have been seated at one time, but the flapping and buffeting of the sails had worked through the rudder of the wheel and dragged him to and fro, so that the cords with which he was tied had cut the flesh to the bone."

You're telling me that you have an R-rated film and you're not going to take the opportunity to portray the fate of the Captain in all its gristly detail??? The Captain was one voyage from retirement, the audience knew he was going to die. You could have opened the film by showing us that one shocked coastguard seeing him! Or saving that visual for the end of the log's events and instead showing his form in shadow swinging "horribly to and fro" at the wheel!

It's not just the loss of the horrific imagery that I'm unhappy about. It's also the fact that they removed one of Dracula's weaknesses and robbed the Captain of his desperate, tragic victory against Dracula in one fell swoop. So what's up with the crucifix having no effect? It really seemed like they were building up to it having a role, like Dracula halting his attack on Toby shortly after we see the crucifix dangling close to his leg and the weight given to Anna giving that crucifix to the Captain.

They gave a form of triumph instead to Clemens in his survival and Anna in her decision to die (instead of being controlled by Dracula? I forgot the fine details of their final conversation, sorry). However, I really don't think the small triumphs needed to be mutually exclusive. Have the Captain lash himself to the wheel, Dracula be unable to attack him, the others not be able to take advantage of this because they don't have their own symbols of faith on hand, the Captain repeat his resolution that he must not leave his ship, and include dialogue from the coastguard about the wild behavior of the ship before it crashed. Even with the plot element of trying to sink the ship, I don't think they needed to do the Captain dirty like they did.

My other major bone to pick with the film is its final scene. I got so excited at the slow set-up with the anticipated appearance of the cane, the return of the taunting knocking, the fact that Dracula was faced away and slowly turning to face Clemens... And then I was absolutely disappointed when I saw the same monstrous face I had become used to over the course of the movie.

Show me Javier Botet with long black hair and a mustache, looking human but still piercing you with burning eyes! We recognize the cane! Anna had the line about Dracula being able to appear human! We know it's him from the distinctive knocking and the reaction of Clemens! But no, maybe they think we wouldn't be able to figure it out and now we're left with major questions about how Dracula was able to exist in the pub looking like that.

One minor nitpick to wrap things up: Dracula never made use of that small bridge in the hold, did he? All those lingering shots in the hold made me expect someone would be up there eventually.

If you read all my thoughts, I appreciate you! I'd also be happy to listen to your own opinions about the film, so feel free to share them in a reblog. If you read this without having seen the movie, I would actually recommend it! It's fun! Makes me want to start working my way through Dracula adaptations again.

[eddieheart]

Brokeback Mountain

I re-wrote the ending to brokeback mountain because I hate myself

- Ennis Del Mar and Jack Twist fall in love on a lonely old mountain. It's a whirlwind romance that grips them by the soul.

- By the end of the summer when they're asked to leave neither can bare to separate, so they don't.

- (at the beginning you don't see Ennis with a car but further on you do, so I'll just assume he had a car but lived in town) So they sell one of their cars (the worse one of the two) and get the little beginnings of a nest egg

- At first they're just driving around aimlessly, not putting down roots anywhere. While working at a ranch they hear some of the guys talking about going to Alberta to work on the oil rigs

- Jack is immediately all for it, Ennis isn't sure, but after a while they decide to go. It's really good pay, in a similar place to where they are now and they can avoid the draft. (Win win)

- (in Alberta, 1970, a roughneck would be payed approximately 27,000 dollars a year, in today's money that's about 212,000)

- They eventually make enough to buy an apartment together, which passes fine enough under the guise of two bachelor roommates, who can't afford a place of their own.

- Eventually they hear about club 70 and Flashback (both gay bars founded around 1970) in Edmonton, only about 45 minutes from where they live

- It soon becomes a common place for them to hang out.

- While at the club they discover 'Carousel Capers' (newsletter of club carousel) a monthly newsletter for gay people that had started in 1969.

- They also discover GATE (gay alliance towards equality) that started in 1971-72. The alliance had an actual building which included a drop in center and a resource center. They provided peer counselling and speaker referrals all while still fighting for gay rights. 

- It takes a long time but eventually they even visit the center.

-It's during one of these visits that they meet Margret 'Peggy' Walters and Winnifred 'Fred' Murphy, a lesbian couple in the same area

- They both share their woes about living as a gay couple in the area and how at a certain point it's hard to pretend to be just roommates

- They all become fast friends and continue to meet up regularly. While having coffee one day Peggy shares a thought, marriage, marriages actually. Those of Ennis and herself as well as Jack and Fred, for tax purposes and also convenience.

- It's during the spring that they get married and it's summer when they take a 'honeymoon' at Brokeback mountain.

- The girls love the solitude and everyone keeps their distance during the stay.

- The second day of their drip, when the sun gets real low, a mix of amber, crimson and violet, the sky peppered with ghosts of stars that Ennis falls to his knees before the love of his life and pulls out a small gold ring.

"I don't say much, and I don't know much either, but what I do know, is that I love you Jack Twist, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

- Jack let's out a brash fit of laughter, running off for no more than a minute. He jogs back to where Ennis is sitting and collapses to his knees, sliding towards him, a ring in hand. All the overwhelming fear and anxiety Ennis had been feeling quickly fell away.

- Jack stared deeply into the eyes of the man he's sure he wants to spend the rest of his life with, putting a free hand on the other man's cheek as he speaks.

"Ennis Del Mar, I- I just can't quit you, and I don't want to neither. I've spent every day since we've left thanking whatever god that'll listen for you, cus you- you're the best thing that's ever happened to me. So, Mr. Del Mar, wanna get hitched?"

- They end up laugh crying and falling into each other, both making slapdash moves for other's ring and pushing them onto they're fingers.

- One day while working on the rigs, Jack gets into an accident. Work normally last 16-20 hours a day, and they work almost every day, sometimes 7 days a week. Because of this, Jack in his sleep deprived and overworked state, passes out, hitting his head on piece of metal machinery.

- Ennis is rightfully terrified and it takes a few days for Jack to actually wake up. When he does, Ennis decides that they are never going back to the rigs.

- They merge what little nest eggs they've saved up with the girls and buy a ranch.

(The price per acre in 1988 was 374, and they bought 500 acres)

- There's a little house on the property which they all refurbish together. It's technically two smaller houses merged together, each with they're own mailboxes. One says Ennis + Peggy  (for Jack and Ennis) and the other says Jack + Fred (for Peggy and Fred)

- Each couple had their own side of the house, but they all spend most of their time together like one big family.

- Because they have so much land, they don't have to worry about anybody seeing anything they aren't suppose to, so they don't have to keep behind closed doors anymore.

- Fred learns to weld and becomes a trades woman, While Peggy prefers to say home, take care of the house and cook. Ennis and Jack get a herd of sheep, some cattle and a few horses.

- Now that they have the money Jack even gets himself a roping horse, a young mare named Sunny that he trains himself.

- The house and barn are near constantly filled with music, the radio is always playing. It's partly because Jack read something about animals being happier when they listened to music and partly because Ennis doesn't have the heart to tell him he's wrong.

- After a while when they're all good and ready, Peggy and Fred propose having children. So not long after that, Ennis and Jack get jiggy with a plastic cup and Peggy and Fred get real familiar with a turkey baster.

- Jack desperately wants a little boy and has for quite a long time, Ennis is the more apprehensive of the two, but as soon as the older man gets a glimpse of his little baby girl all his worries melt away.

- It's then that they're all renamed, Ennis becomes Daddy, Jack becomes Popa, Peggy is Moma and Fred is Mom. They all wear their titles with pride.

- Peggy had two girls each a year apart and Fred has a little brown eyed boy.

- As it turns out, it's quite difficult for four people to decide on baby names. But after a first 10 months of deliberation, and another year for their third they decide on Alison, Jackson Robert and Marie.

- After having the babies Peggy starts to work in town to help raise some more funds for the kids and Ennis and Jack become the best stay at home dads you've ever seen.

- Ennis actually learns to cook and Jack is a diaper master, though he'll never admit it to anyone else.

- Though the old clubs are closed by now and the paper long gone, GATE (which was renamed to GLCCE, the Gay and Lesbian Community Centre of Edmonton) is still around. They all decide they can spare the extra money for a ranch hand and post an add at the center, hiring a young boy named Henry.

- Though they somehow end up with two hands because of Henry's codependent relationship with his girlfriend Danny.

- At first the guys are shocked that they hired a gay boy who turns out to have a girlfriend. But soon after, Danny the spitfire (as she's renamed) educated not only the boys but Peg and Fred too, on bisexuality, genderfluidity and what it means to be transgender.

- They all get very up to date on gay culture. (They haven't been getting out much since the kids... and the sheep)

- Each of the kids learns how to ride horses at four, but all of them have already (and continue to) gone on rides with their dads.

- Buts it's their youngest Marie that really takes a shine to it, horseback riding with such ease it's as though she's just walking.

- Eventually Marie even gets her own little colt, which she names boots, and starts training to barrel race (and to rope just like her popa)

- Their first trip as a family is to Brokeback mountain. Ennis and Jack sneak away in the night, watching the sunset and basking in the joy of their lives.

"Lookit how far we've come. I really love you Jack."

"And I really love you."

- On the last day they take one big picture as a family. The kids get it framed for their anniversary, it still hangs in their dads' room.

- Though they came to love Henry and Danny they eventually left the ranch. At the ages of 23 and 22 respectively the pair got married, the blended family being invited of course. They come empty handed, seemingly without a gift, but they're harbouring a splendid little secret.

- After returning from their honeymoon, they all meet up again at the shared house for dinner and their wedding present is finally given.

"Are you gonna tell them or am I?" Peggy asks with a smirk.

"So, I know y'all are grown now, but Ennis and I- and Fred and Peg," Jack adds after a side glance from the girls. "We made you a little something."

- The four of them, plus the kids, lead the newlyweds through the property and about ten acres in they peep a little dirt road. The road in turn is connected to the Main Street (on the opposite side of the property) and to a sweet little bungalow.

- Upon realizing the house is for them they both burst into tears and become (officially) member of the family.

- Marie goes on to become a rodeo star, a trick riding, barrel racing, calf roping badass. A true rodeo Queen.

- Jackie Jr. graduates early and gets a job as a mechanic in town and occasionally joins his younger sister at the rodeo, as a roping duo. At first he'd been interested in bull and bronk riding but after a long and stern conversation with both his dads about the dangers he decided against it.

- Alison turns out to be the wild card of the family, deciding to go to school to become a doctor. (Never did Ennis, or Jack or that matter, think that he could make a kid that intelligent, but fuck if she wasn't a smart cookie)

- Though he's a man of few words, Ennis gives heartfelt and genuine goodbyes to each of their children. Jack as well, tucking his head into the side of his now (really freaking tall) kids, hiding his tears in bursts of 'I love yous' and 'I'll miss yous".

- Now that they're all empty nesters the house feels a little too lonely, a bit quieter too, even though the radio is still always playing. So Jack and Ennis decide to start fostering, (though technically on paper it’s Ennis and Peggy and Jack and Fred)

- They take in the kids that no one wants, the belligerent teens, the abandoned toddlers, homeless kids, the reckless boys and the defiant girls. Kids that have no other options.

- They end up with 6 year old Toby, 14 Christin and 16 year old Randy and they love every minute of it.

- Jackie Jr. is the first to get married. His wife is a sweet young thing named Stella, she comes from a hard working family and desperately loves their son. They build and move into another house on the property, not too far from Henry and Danny.

- Allison finished her schooling at a big fancy, (as Ennis puts it, "smart kid school") and now lives in the city, she's had a few boyfriends, and girlfriends, over the years but still hasn't settled down.

- Ennis gets a little nervous every now and then, about Allison and if she feels as lonely as he did when he was a young kid. Jack always pulls him back though.

"Just because she isn't married doesn't mean she ain’t happy, I mean, think about us, about Peg n' Freddy, when we were kids we was happy, unmarried and very happy just being with each other."

"Allie knows she's loved, we tell her all the time, she knows her family will always be on her side, no matter what."

- Danny and Henry adopt a little boy named Tommy. (Ennis thinks the fact that all their names ending in 'y' is weird but only ever says anything to Jack)

- Marie is the next to get hitched, her and her partner Randi, whose full name they still don't know.

- Jackie Jr. and Stella have their first kid, a little girl, Ennis Jr. (Both her granddads cry when they hear the name)

-That fall Peggy has a stroke and can't work in town anymore. Now she stays home with the boys (and the kiddos). At first it's really hard for all of them, she can't do what she used to be able to, things Peggy had mastered are now nearly impossible. But over time they all become accustomed to the new normal.

- All the kids come home when they hear about moma. Allison quits her job in the city and becomes a family doctor in town, she says it's because she doesn't like the fast paced nature of the big city and prefers to be closer to her home anyway.

- Marie comes back from her rodeo tour but only stays a few weeks (at the request of her mother) and soon gets back to travelling.

- Jackie Jr. is blessed with a set of twin girls, Winona (Winny) and Pauline.

- Marie gets pregnant and has a baby girl, Jacklin (aka. Jack the third, or Jack Jr. Jr.)

- Needless to say the house is loud again, constantly bustling. Little kids running wild, their foster kids are grown, but Toby stays in the family house. He loves taking care of the kids, so he starts taking night courses at the  community college for childcare.

- Every once and while someone will come in (just out of the blue, with no warning, like it should be) and find the two men laying together, gently holding onto each other, radio playing softly in the background.

- As an anniversary present the kids arrange a trip to Brokeback, they take the whole family. Jack and Ennis fall asleep holding each other in the place they fell in love, the sounds of their children and grandchildren running around in the distance.

- They get a surprise about a week later when a new framed photo joins the other on their bedroom wall, this time with their grandkids too.

- Jack falls down the stairs. He nearly breaks his hip and Ennis decides to get a stair lift. At first Jack refuses to use it, but eventually folds one day. Ennis sits in the chair calling Jack over, he pulls the other man onto his lap and distracts him with a chaste kiss as he pushes the down button. Jack doesn't fight him over the 'stairs chair' anymore.

- Gay marriage gets legalized, they find out by watching the local news like they do every night. Ennis bursts into tears, looks over at Peggy and says 'I want a divorce' before turning back to Jack with a smile.

- They get married in the summer, on their anniversary. The kids walk them down the isle, Jack III brings the rings and both cry when reading their vows.

- They go to bed that night, staring into each others eyes, holding their husband, they're husbands now. Jack curls onto the bigger man's chest and they both stare at the pictures on the wall, where it all started, Brokeback mountain, the radio playing softly in the background.

———

Link to source list:

[offworldlamb-writes]

Chapter 2 of my Stardew Valley Fanfic, now called "The View From The Farm". Find it here on ao3.

Chapter 1.

---

He could forget how quickly the weather changed when he was working in his room. Through the kitchen window it often looked exactly the same, either sunny or cloudy, and if he went out he didn't pay all that much attention to the actual temperature. So his first real indication that Spring was in full swing was when his mum burst into the room with a covered hanger that filled him with cold dread, holding his head in his hands with a groan as she laid it over the arm of the couch.

"Come on Sebby, don't be like that!" she tried to laugh off, pulling the sky blue suit into view once the cover was unzipped. "It'll be nice for you to go out and see everyone! Plenty of people have been asking after you-- you really need to get out of the house more."

Apparently his agonised sneer at the suit wasn't enough of a hint, and he groaned softly as he turned his seat more towards Robin instead. "I really, really don't want to do this, mum..." Just looking at it brought cold bile to his stomach, but Robin only tutted as she went to the cupboard and started rummaging through his shoes, despite him asking her not to.

"A few hours outside in the sun won't kill you, Seb," she said with another laugh, and muttered about all the clutter in the cuboard before pulling out three different pairs of shoes. "Abigail is going, and I'm sure Sam is too. Come on, it'll be fun."

Getting up from his seat he had to pull the shoes from her hand before she listened to him properly, but then came the doe-eyed look that beat him into submission every time she asked him for something. "Please, Sebastian. I don't want to be there with everyone and see you're the only one not taking part. It'll mean so much...!"

Not being there meant not dealing with the entire village in one go but he knew, even with the horrible twisting feeling in his gut, that skipping it would be worse for him in the long run. Sam would never let him hear the end of it, and if Abigail went and he didn't she'd give him hell... and that wasn't even going into how his mum would be for the next few days. Her face lit up the moment he uttered that defeated sigh and she threw her arms around him for a quick hug, before taking the trainers back from him and shaking her head with a tutt. "These won't do at all. I'll see if Demetrius has a pair that'll fit you," she mused out loud, before giving him a firm pat to the shoulder and heading back upstairs.

Following her to the door he gave the suit another nasty look, the cold dread sinking deep in his stomach again at the sight of the sky blue jacket and trousers, but instead of closing the door he went through instead, checking his pockets with a pat for his cigarettes and lighter as he headed up the stairs. Ever since they'd made participation in the stupid dance mandatory to make up the numbers he'd hated everything to do with it; Sam and Abby's participation was one of the only things that kept him from outright refusing to join in, as at least then he wasn't the only one out of the three of them making an absolute twat of himself in front of the entire village. Getting out of it would be much better, but ever since Sam rigged the stereo three years ago the mayor watched them like a hawk and had the monster guild guy guarding the sound system, so 'technical difficulties' were out of the question.

The weather was warmer than he anticipated, and as he walked up to the lake he realised dismally that the year was well and truly on the upswing now. It'd be summer in a heartbeat, and despite the blissful grace of a basement room to keep cool in he knew there would be a fresh wave of interest in his job prospects from his mum. There was something about the change of the seasons that always had her banging on about it ever since he'd finished school, and no amount of explaining the complexities of freelancing made her understand that he was working when he was at his computer. If he wasn't out of the house and getting his hands dirty then it just didn't count, at least in her eyes-- working on his bike made her back off a little but then it was the constant hints about getting a job as a mechanic in the next town over. It was never ending.

At least up by the lake he had a bit of peace. Sitting beneath a tree to keep out of the sun he took a long, deep breath, enjoying the breeze rolling across the surface of the water, which glittered with sunlight. As much as he rathered the comfort of his room he enjoyed coming up to the lake, particularly around this time of the day; everyone was busy with work in some way and he very rarely saw anyone, which meant a peaceful few minutes or half hour in his own company without worrying about any disruptions. And no one complaining about his smoking, most importantly of all. The wind carried all that away.

When he moved away he knew he'd miss this place the most. Any time he visited Zuzu it was constantly buzzing from the sheer volume of people, constantly on the move with somewhere important to go and making it hard to catch a breather. He knew from one day to the next what it would be like in the valley and though he was desperate to get away he wasn't sure he was ready to let go of that just yet, but at least in the city he wouldn't be forced to get up and dance in front of a crowd if he didn't want to. It would just be him, working for himself, with no one cutting into his privacy to remind him of the terrible time he was going to have tomorrow. Well, he'd miss Sam too. Sam was always good for a laugh.

Was there any quiet like this in the city? He'd probably have to carve it out himself, wherever it was that he managed to get a place to live. When he moved there, he'd have his own space. No one would be able to just barge in on him. No one could force him to go to stupid festivals where everyone was staring at him. Just him on his own, working a job he loved, finding a partner and settling down in a penthouse somewhere in the heart of the city. What he wouldn't give to get started... But as it was he still had a shit-load of money to save up to get a flat and get his things moved out there, and with the lack of proper jobs in the valley freelancing was his best bet. So he was stuck in the basement for a few more months at least.

By the end of his cigarette he'd managed to calm his nerves a little, and sat and watched the shimmering water for a few more minutes before getting up and heading back down to the house. He'd live next to a park for sure. Somewhere he could go out and go for a walk in some greenery. That was a must for sure, though maybe he could get by on just coming out to visit home every few months instead.

---

The looming pressure of the flower dance didn't do much to help him sleep, unfortunately, and after a few broken hours he was jarred from a doze by a sharp knock on the wall at the top of his staircase. With a cheerful tone his mum called him up for breakfast, and ten minutes later Maru was calling down to him a little more calmly, greeting him with a sympathetic smile when he finally found the energy to get up and come join them. She mentioned something about the flower dance but his head was spinning from the lack of sleep, and he mumbled a dismissive 'yeah' in response as he passed her on his way to the kitchen.

A stack of toast sat waiting on the table with a pot of coffee, while Robin stood next to the stove with a frying pan in hand and a plate of freshly cooked bacon and eggs at her side on the counter. The smell alone made his stomach turn when he felt so rough, but her only comment as he grabbed his mug for some coffee was how much time he had left to get ready. "We've showered so the bathroom's all yours. Make sure you're ready before eight thirty or we'll be late," she warned him, and reminded him that he agreed yesterday to go when he huffed his reply.

When he moved away he wouldn't have to deal with this. That was all he could think of when he was in the shower, which was for all of five minutes, and when he was back in his room getting ready. Once he'd moved out there would be no more forced participation, no more village faires, no more tacky suits he had to wear to please his mum. When did he even start doing that, anyway? Why did he care so much if his mum was upset? If he didn't want to go, he should just outright refuse and they should accept that. But when eight thirty came he left his room when called, dressed in the horrible, tacky suit. For the sake of his own dignity he stood firm when his mum complained about his hoodie pulled over it and thankfully she gave him that, at least, but she made it clear that he had to wear the jacket once the dance was in full swing and he wasn't about to argue her on that.

With it still being mid-spring the weather worked in his favour, considering the double layer of terrible shirt and dark hoodie. Pushing up his sleeves worked well enough to keep him cool as they made their way down through the village and into the woods, where he managed to break away from his mum and the others when he spotted Abigail and Sam waiting for him down by the river. They were hard to miss as they were already wearing their outfits as well, and while Abigail had tried to put her own spin on it with her old denim jacket Sam seemed content on fully embracing the look, right down to the tacky red silk tie. "Does your mum know you're wearing that?" he teased with a wide grin, giving the hoodie over Sebastian's arm a playful tug and sniggering when he was elbowed away. "Don't be such a downer! It's free food all day for a five minute dance."

Already patting down his pockets for a cigarette Sebastian cast Sam the most withering look he could mustre, only to be caught around the shoulders and urged into a walk down towards the clearing at the other end of the woods by Sam, who'd done the same to Abigail at his other side. "Where's your festive sprirt, guys?"

"It died when they made me do this last year," came Abigail's flat response, though she soon looked past Sam at Sebastian when his pace slowed down as his pocket-searching became a little more frantic. "You alright?"

Since he wasn't wearing his usual jeans he'd put his cigarettes in the pocket of his hoodie, but he couldn't find his lighter anywhere on his person. Swearing softly under his breath he ran a hand through his hair in frustration: hiding away beneath the edge of the clearing and smoking his way through most of the festival had been his plan but that was clearly out the window now, and the way his mum was looking back at them he knew he'd never get away with doubling back to fetch them.

Already frustrated from knowing he'd left his lighter behind and unbelieveably uncomfortable with the upcoming dance Sebastian hid away behind some of the taller decorations at the edge of the clearing, scouting the crowd for the adventure guild guy or Willy in the hopes of borrowing a light from one of them, and spotted a face he didn't recognise out amongst the rest. A sharp spike of nerves struck and he lashed put to grab Sam by the arm, putting a stop to his and Abigail's conversation with Penny with a whimpered 'ow!'. "What the hell-- who the fuck is that?"

It took a moment of scoping to figure out who Sebastian meant and Sam yanked himself free with a laugh. "Who, the farm girl? Haven't you met her yet-- she's been running all over town for weeks! She won the egg hunt, remember? Abs was super pissed."

"Why is she here?"

"Because she lives here too! Damn, man, no need to get so mad about it!"

Sam and Abigail shared a snigger, and promptly split. While Sam went to say hi to the guy he worked with Abby went to check the buffet, and Sebastian made sure to stay out of sight in case any other strangers turned up. No one else was supposed to be here. She wasn't in a costume either-- did she come here voluntarily? He grimaced, disgusted by the thought of socialising at this thing by choice, and reached into his pocket for his cigarettes again only to be hit by disappointment for the second time. That lighter was staying in the pack from now on.

The music kicked off just after lunch, ominously perky and drawing everyone in like blue and white flies. Hayley donned the Flower Crown just like last year, and they spent ten awkward minutes going through the steps for the dance just like-- if not worse-- than last year, and his mum gathered him and Maru together for a mum hug and a photo to add to the collection, just like last year. It was never any different and he didn't understand how anybody could get excited about such a pointless fair, year after year.

He could see his mum making a bee-line for the empty food table as things started winding down and went to make himself scarce before getting roped into helping, only to be flagged down by Sam's mum with a wave and an eager smile, with Sam and his little brother in tow. Within two minutes he had a bin bag in hand and was sent to clear up any stray rubbish, and wasn't allowed to leave until all the equipment was packed up in the back of Mayor Lewis' pick-up. He went to wait for Robin at the edge of the clearing, but at seeing her lost in conversation with Abigail's mum and the farmer he huffed and left, ready to burn the suit the moment he found his lighter back home.

[magicalqueennightmare]

Sins & Amends Chapter 30

Billy Russo x Female Reader (60 part story)

This follows pre- the punisher into the storyline of daredevil, punisher season 1 and beyond

This is NOT Canon Billy. This is decent human being Billy left with bad options over worse decisions

This was also posted to A03 under: WaywardGaPeach. That account and this one is the only place you'll see me post this. If you see it on any other platform/account know it's not me.

Chapter Summary/ Warnings: No matter how you and Curtis try Frank won't let anymore slip about Kandahar. Matt is a safe haven for you [tip toeing into the punisher season 1 events]

You were surprised that after seeing Billy that night Matt didn't ask any questions. He knew how Billy had broken up with you so suddenly and what had happened after Maria and the kids were killed. Hell he had heard Alice's side which you would even admit painted Billy as nothing short of having devil horns peeking out. You couldn't hold it against her, she'd known you for years and was very protective. 

You couldn't help but think had you been in his position you would've been curious. Especially considering you knew for a fact he'd heard how fast your heart was pounding when you saw Billy. 

You let it go for about two weeks until you were laying awake one night in the bunk room and couldn't handle it anymore so you grabbed your phone off the charger and hit his number as you walked outside into the cool night air.

A few of the guys were up in the common area watching t.v. A few moments later he answered with a sleep ridden "Hello?" "Are we good Matt?" You heard him make a confused sound then heard his bedside clock read him the time "Y/N it's two in the morning. What do you mean are we good? Is something wrong?" You let out a sigh suddenly feeling very self conscious about the fact that you had apparently been over thinking again. "Wait this is about us seeing Billy isn't it?" He asked once it truly registered what you'd said.

"Yeah I mean...the rest of that night you were quiet and didn't exactly even attempt to initiate anything for a few days afterwards. Did I do something?" You could hear him moving around in the bed and could imagine him pushing himself up to a seated position, probably rubbing between his eyes while he did so.

"Y/N we've been honest with each other from the start. I know you still love him in a way and that you probably always will and that doesn't bother me. The reason I backed off is because I wanted to make it clear to you that if you decide that you want this to go back to a non intimate friendship that I'm not removing you from my life. You want to keep going the way we have? Ok. I just want it crystal clear that we're going to remain friends. Hell like Karen says this insane little group of ours is the closest thing to family most of us have left" 

You felt a little lighter just hearing him say that. "You do know you're clear to change things if you want and I'll be ok with it too?" You asked and he replied "I know. Now you feel better?" "Yeah I do actually" you tried and failed to stifle a yawn and he laughed "Why don't we meet at the diner when you get off?" "Sounds good to me" you replied and heard Alice come out the door behind you as you and Matt said your goodbyes then hung up. 

You turned around to see her leaned against the doorway "You were over thinking weren't ya?" You nodded so she held out her arm and you let her throw it across your shoulders "C'mon honey let's go try to get some sleep before we get called out again" about the time the words left her mouth another yawn escaped your lips as if to emphasise her point.  

------------------

By the time eight rolled around the next morning you and Alice had done your entire check list and were waiting on ready when Ash and Riley walked through the doors. "Freedom!" Alice cheered grabbing your arm and running out the door with a laugh once the baton was passed on rig duty.

"So what's the plan for the day?" She asked as you followed her out to the street where she was trying to hail a cab. "I am going to meet Matt for breakfast, go home and sleep for a couple hours in my own bed then I will probably see if Curt needs me to pick up anything for the meeting" a cab pulled to a stop in front of the two of you but before she climbed in Alice stared at you for a second then shook her head with a laugh "I love you chic. See you tomorrow" 

You watched the cab pull away then turned to head to the diner. 

--------------------

When you walked in the door Kaitlyn, the waitress who normally worked this shift smiled at you and nodded towards a table in the back. You followed her line of sight and thanked her when you saw Matt drinking a cup of coffee. 

He smiled when you sat down across from him "How was your shift?" "It drug on and on" you replied with a light laugh. 

Kaitlyn bought a cup of coffee over and sat it down in front of you "Your usual Y/N?" "Yes ma'am" She looked towards Matt "Same for you just eggs over easy instead of scrambled?" He smiled "Yes, thank you"

Once she walked off you bumped Matt's hand and teased "Do we come here that often?" He shrugged and said "If it makes you feel better, I'm pretty sure she knows Karen and Curtis' order that well too" 

-------------------

You were feeling better by the time you and Matt walked out the diner. He had his arm through yours like he normally walked and the two of you were laughing over Foggy making the opposing attorney forget their line of questioning. "He doubts himself at times but he is really an amazing lawyer. I'd want him on my side that's for sure" you said then quickly added "you too of course" 

Matt grinned at your slip up "oh of course" the two of you started walking towards your apartment and he asked what your plans were for the day. "I'm going to see just how hot of a shower I can take then sleep for a few hours. After that I'm thinking I'll just get out later for some fresh air. Curt has a group meeting tonight. I may swing by after it to see if he needs clean-up help"

You were also hoping Frank may show up this week. It'd been too long since you saw him last and you were starting to worry, Karen was too. "Well if you want to get together later I'm free" he offered about the time the two of you made it to your building. "I may just take you up on that offer Murdock" you replied then left a light kiss on his cheek "I'll call you after I leave Curt" 

He smiled and said "I'll keep my phone close by" then turned to walk away. You headed inside and spoke to Ms Johnson who was gathering her mail. "Y/N you just getting in?" You nodded "Yes ma'am. I got some breakfast after shift now I'm going to go get a little more sleep. It was a hectic night" "Remember to take care of yourself sweetie" you smiled "Yes ma'am" and walked onto the elevator.

-------------------

You fell asleep a little after ten and woke up around one thirty to your phone ringing. For a moment you considered just not answering it but then on second thought you grabbed it "Hello?" You didn't bother trying to cover the sleep in your voice, everyone that would be calling you with maybe the exception of Frank pretty much knew your schedule. 

"Shit Y/N you're coming off a back to back shift aren't you?" When you heard Curtis' voice you pushed yourself up in the bed to a seated position "Yeah but it's fine Curt. What's up?" "I'm going to be running a little behind today. I'll be there to actually run the meeting but can you set up everything?" You nodded still half asleep then remembered he couldn't see you over the phone "Yeah no problem. Bakery run this week or no?" "Just coffee should be fine. I appreciate it" he replied and you smiled to yourself before saying "any time Curt"

After he hung up you considered going back to sleep but thought better of it. You kicked your blanket off and decided on getting out and getting some fresh air before you headed across town to set up for the meeting.

-------------------

You had been wandering around for the better part of a couple hours. That was the beauty of living in New York. There was always some place you could go.  

You had considered dropping by the bulletin but given the time of day they'd be running around doing last minute stuff for the following day's edition and you didn't want to be in the way.

You did drop Karen a text asking if she wanted to grab lunch the following day and she'd quickly replied with a yes and a smiley face.

-----------------

You walked into the meeting hall humming under your breath. A part of you was tempted to play music on your phone while you set up but you didn't want to chance Curtis walking in and getting a laugh at your expense.

By the time you had the chairs in a nice wide circle and a fresh pot of coffee going you heard the outer doors open a few moments before Curtis walked in with a smile "You're a life saver Y/N!" You greeted him with a smile and said "I told you way back when I'd help in any way"

The two of you still had a few minutes to kill before anyone would show up so you grabbed a cup and leaned against the wall not far from where Curtis was sitting. "How's the planning going for Alice and Kenz?" You stifled a laugh considering they'd called you the week before because Alice's grandmother bless her heart was trying to figure out a way for them both to have a piece of her wedding dress to wear when the day did roll around.

"It's going. They're planning on a longer engagement like next year-ish. I'm happy for them. They love each other a lot" he nodded then cut his eyes up at you "How are things with you?" "I'm good. Work's been insane but then again when is it not" he seemed like he wanted to say more but about that time more voices started drifting in out the hall and although you recognized some as regulars you talked to there were a few unfamiliar voices not to mention O'Connor who annoyed the shit out of you.

You pointed to the opposite door "I'll be in the hall" he chuckled lightly as you quickly retreated.

----------------------

You were listening to Curtis tell a story you'd heard before, about a soldier in a hole. You actually liked hearing the way he told it and was trying to listen until the door at the end of the hall opened and Frank walked in.

Anyone else on the street passed him daily and didn't recognize him but even if you didn't know to look for the beard and longer hair, there was no hiding the way he walked and carried himself. You'd known him for far too long. When he met your eyes he didn't say a word, just came to stand next to you holding a book under his arm. 

The two of you stood silent while O'Connor went on yet another of his bullshit rambles. What made you turn to glance at Frank was when Lewis said "All I know is we risked our lives, did terrible things and it meant nothing when we got home" you still had no clue what actually went down in Kandahar. Frank didn't want to talk and you didn't want to push it but fuck he had to know that it would take something major to make you ever think about turning your back on him.

-------------------------

Once the vets cleared out you walked into the room with Frank close behind him. Curtis hadn't looked up until you said "Look who I found" 

The two of them greeted each other while you started putting chairs away. What drew you back into the conversation was when Curtis said "Nobody wants to be themselves anymore. Internet, social media, god damn talent shows for assholes. Everybody wants to be somebody else. Nobody is happy to look in the mirror and just see themselves"

"Because then it means they don't have to be responsible either" you spoke and turned to see they were both looking at you so you shrugged and continued what you were doing. "What about you Frank? What's it gonna take to make you happy?" Curtis asked and you had to bite your lip not to laugh at least sarcastically when Frank's response was "Happy's a kick in the balls waiting to happen"

"He isn't wrong" you agreed and could see Curtis sigh simply from the fact that he'd signed on years ago to have you both in his life and it was far too late to turn back now. "I'll get to you later" he told you pointing his finger then looked back at Frank "So your solution is to kick yourself in the balls first? That's crazy lieutenant. Look you got half a life to live my friend. If you don't, you might as well be dead" 

He cut his eyes at you as he spoke but you knew what Frank was going to say even before he scoffed "Oh I am dead Curtis. You didn't hear?" You knew better than to try to get between the two of them so you hung up the chair in your hands then found a place between them to watch.

Curtis shook his head  "Bullshit. You've got a name, a passport as I recall. Frank Castle's dead. Pete Castiglione, he's got a life. Anybody that had anything to do with what happened to Maria and the kids are dead. Mission accomplished. I don't have a problem with that, hell I would've helped you if you would've asked me" you knew to your heart Curtis meant that and hoped maybe he could talk Frank out of his own head.

"I know you would've" Frank spoke so low if his voice wasn't so deep you wouldn't have been able to hear him. You hated seeing just how much hell he was still putting himself through. "But now the only person you're punishing is yourself" Curtis added and you agreed whole heartedly.

Frank looked down at his cup then threw it away. "Thanks for the coffee" he took the few steps to where you were and pulled you into a quick hug "Good seeing you Y/N" "You too Frank" 

You watched him start to leave but he stopped at the door. "Hey Curt?" Curtis glanced up in response so he asked "How often you think about it? You know, the shit we did over there?"

Frank's eyes ticked towards you, so you busied yourself cleaning out the coffee maker.  "All the time, but my conscience is clear" Curtis sounded genuine but you felt your heart twist at how Frank sounded when he said " Afghanistan was different, you know?"

"Different how?" Curtis asked and you started to wonder if maybe Frank would talk to him more if you walked out but Frank answered him "Just different. The things we did. They kinda got blurred" that honestly made you curious because during that timeline you were still with Billy. What had they been into? Curtis asked just that question "What were you into Frank?"

Frank didn't say anything so you turned back to face them both. Curtis shook his head "You see, what worries me the most is that you've been in a hole long enough that it's become home" Frank didn't meet his or your eyes when he said "Maybe that's where I'm supposed to be" there was a little pause of silence before Curtis finally said "Do me a favor Frank. Don't be a wallowing asshole. Before I have to take this fake leg off and beat you to death with it"

All three of you cracked up at that. Curtis smiled at the tension having been broken "Just imagine that headstone. Here lies Frank Castle. He lost an ass kicking contest to a one legged man… I'd do it" Frank glanced at you with a half smile "I'd actually like to see that" you laughed "Me too"

Frank put his hat back on then pulled his hood up "Take care of yourself Curt. You too sweetheart" "Don't stay away so long next time" you told him and he nodded before walking out.

After the outer door shut Curtis glanced back towards you "Now should we get started on your issues too tonight? Or put a pin in them for another time?" You grinned and held up your phone "I'm supposed to meet Matt when I leave here so can we stick a pin?" He laughed and said "As long as you don't try be a wallowing asshole either"

"Nope. I'm good being a normal asshole" you teased with a wink.

-------------------------

Curtis offered to drop you off with Matt instead of you walking or having to grab a cab. It wasn't worth arguing him that Matt's place was the opposite direction of his so you just took the ride.

When he pulled up in front of Matt's building he parked and you were about to climb out when he said "Think we'll ever get him out that hole?" You let out a hard breath thinking over the last few months "I hope so Curt" he reached across to hug you then once you were out the car he rolled the window down "I'm not pulling away until you're inside" you laughed and mock saluted "Yes sir" and walked into the door, stopping to wave at him before letting it shut behind you.

-----------------------

No matter how many times you slept at Matt's his alarm clock always managed to startle you. It was louder than yours and spoke the time instead of buzzing or playing music. "Ugh make it go away" you grumbled burying your face in his back. He laughed and reached over hitting the right button to make it be quiet.

"What time do you go in?" He asked leaning back into your touch when you started to trace across some of the more prominent scars on his back. "Later today. Technically me and Alice are off but there's some meetings we have to attend" 

"Aren't you meeting Karen for lunch?" He asked turning in the bed so his chest was now under your fingers instead of his back. You laid your head over on his chest and nodded "Yeah. You've got court don't you?" He closed his eyes before saying "Yeah" "Meaning we need to get up?" You asked closing your eyes too. "Five more minutes?" He suggested so you agreed "Five more minutes"

@intothesoul

@weallhaveadestiny

[honourablefool]

Tw suicidal ideation (dw I'm fine just reflecting)

So mandatory disclaimer that I'm okay, I'm not in crisis, I am not going to kill myself, I have no desire to kill myself. However, this will probably be triggering for anyone who's sensitive about those topics. Putting that out there so yall can take care of yourselves. Now that we've gotten that out of the way.

I think about killing myself most days. It's like that when I'm in crisis, obviously, but it's like that when I'm fine too. Almost anything can set it off - hearing about something death related, not knowing how to handle a mild-to-moderately difficult situation in my life, boredom. Dreading a big presentation. Normal day to day anxieties and conversations.

It's been like this since the idea entered my head when I was like. 8 years old. So the vast majority of my conscious existence, I've been living with these thoughts. I've had near misses, sure, I've... made preparations. Never actually followed through, which the Fucked Up Guy in my head (abstract personification of these urges. Sometimes helps to think about them that way) would call cowardice. Thanks, Fucked Up Guy. Suuuuper helpful. Moving on

It's... just so mundane to me now. On an intellectual level, I'm able to dismiss the Fucked Up Guy and go about my day. Consciously, I have accepted that suicide is not a "solution" I will ever make use of. But the patterns of thought and action I built around the certainty that I was going to commit suicide, and probably soon--patterns I built from a very young age and reinforced for years--still interfere with my thinking and with my life.

I don't make plans more than a year in advance. I didn't expect to survive high school, much less graduate, and now that I'm facing down the last year of my degree I'm astonished to have gotten here. I have to, like... find a place to live. And get a job. And be an actual adult. And some part of me is crying on the ground and throwing a tantrum because, frankly, I wasn't supposed to have to do all that. I was supposed to die before I was ever truly in charge of my life.

There's a term for this feeling, I've recently learned. It's called "sense of foreshortened future." But that doesn't really get across how it feels. It feels like there's this giant void ahead of me, and all sorts of stuff keeps jumping out of it as time goes on, becoming revealed as it gets close enough for me to process that it's real, and I'll actually have to deal with it before I die. Obstacles to dodge, opportunities to grasp at, and every mundane duty I have to myself and the people around me. I didn't schedule a dentist appointment for two years because I didn't think I'd be needing my teeth for very long. I still need to request my mail in ballot for November.

And at the back of my head, the excuse, every time, is "oh I'll probably be dead by the time that's important." And that is Extremely! Not! Helpful! It fucks things up for me, and it fucks things up for people who care about me who end up picking up the slack.

I know I should be proud to have made it this far. Honestly, the most I can muster is surprise. It doesn't feel like an achievement, it still feels like I'm racing against time to juggle all the things the void that is my future throws at me until that void swallows me whole and I don't have to worry about anything anymore. My life is full of stopgap measures I've jury-rigged into continuing to keep me alive for far too long.

And maybe that's the rest of my life. Maybe, between the circumstances I was born into and the choices I made, I will have to continually dismiss the Fucked Up Guy, regardless of whatever else I do. Maybe the void ahead is one I have to keep exploring, despite my inability to look ahead. I still think my life can be worth living. I still want my life.

I think that's the most terrifying part. To want to live, even though my first impulse to solve any situation is to Stop Living. Idk. I don't have a solution. I just want a life, and this is the only one I'm guaranteed to get, so I'm gonna do my best with it. I can't see a way out, so I'll live through for however long I can. White-knuckling all the way, maybe. Fuck it. We ball.

[vivi-scera]

hey what's up! i wanted to drop in and say ur mellonear fanfic was AMAZING. easily one of the best works in the tag 💕. please please tell me ur going to write more for them. i just can't get over the amount of detail you put into it... if u don't mind talking about it... i just want to know how ur mind works pretty please 🤲

who— can you guys pls come off anon i'm begging and crying!!!

anyway THANKS SO MUCH. here i was bitching and moaning to my friends that that piece didn't turn out as well as i would've liked. can think of 2 or 3 fics off the top of my head that i love way more. but i'm so glad you liked it <333

and sad to say i am, in fact, not writing more for them <\3 i feel like i've said everything i can say about them? i mean they have like 10 lines total together how much more could i possibly extrapolate sdkjflhsf. i'm not a huge au writer tbh i pretty much only like working within canon. but you'll be happy to know i do plan on writing another death note fic (an au one though, surprisingly). just not for meronia. not telling which pairing but. near is in it trust. obvi it'll have meronia subtext.

and thank you thank you for the compliment about the details even though >.< i thought i didn't put in nearly enough. literally read that semi-canon side story in its entirety and only put in 2 things from it. and one of the things i straight up plagiarized <3 but we're gonna say i just referenced it.

i think i mostly just wanted to focus on how like childish yet mysterious they were. imagine you're kira, a functional god, and these 2 kids are running around without your knowledge trying to thwart you. you don't know what they look like, what they know about you, what they are to each other, what their names are, etc. etc. (they also represent the two halves of your would-be lover but we're not gonna go there). at the end of the day, they don't even care that much about YOU, a god (because they already had their own and well. you killed him)!! i guess i wanted to further emphasize that the stakes (for catching/stopping kira), for near & mello, weren't that high. at least,, not as high as beating each other (SO romantic). it was as if it were, as i referenced, just a game to them!! but a game sort of rigged against them, favoring the wammy industrial complex ofc. (the house always wins wink wink). but also,, it's all very tragic in the sense that they really have no other way to look at things. just child soldier things yknow.

idk there was some insane untapped story-telling potential there in the canon. the set-up sort of gave near & mello their own godhood statuses and stripped kira of his own. if i were to rewrite part 2 of death note i'd either keep it all strictly in light's pov or keep it all strictly in theirs. it did a disservice to the story/characters, imo, by attempting to keep the same dynamic/pov going from part 1. i'm not gonna lie and say the 2nd part was as good as the 1st sorryyy. because they were somewhat misutilized i never even considered the (incestuous) implications until someone ;) started posting about them ofc. then i thought about how much their dynamic reflected my personal favorite pairing of all time (knowers know) so i kind of took some preconceived notions and applied them. actually i was originally writing fic for afore-not-mentioned pairing and i'm pretty sure i just used lines from that to get started lmao.

anyway that's all i got atm. if i think of more i wanna talk about i'll write more <3 thx again for the ask!! feel free to ask more ofc ;3

[shojo]

I said something out loud to my mother the other day and I want/need it to be my anthem for this year so I'm putting it out into the world and manifesting and all that jazz:

"I focused on my career. I did it, I did the thing. I'm a tour guide, that's what I wanted, that's what I got. I did the girl-boss and I-don't-need-no-man-I'm-a-career-girl thing. Maybe now, this year, I can finally focus on something other than my career. Maybe this year I can focus on actually finding a good man."

I also have no idea where/how to truly start and I'm a very awkward turtle when it comes to dating because I've really only had one boyfriend in my life. A few others flitted by but either I wasn't ready/okay or they moved on.

And being around so many queer folk I sometimes ask myself if it's a man I really want and, well, yeah. I'm a boring cis girl who is super feminine and would very much like to be with someone masculine/male presenting. They need to be as close in age as possible because, unfortunately, I'm that millennial with a passion for nostalgia that won't quit. They also need to.. how do I describe it, um, not be a country boy? You know those boys that post pics on their dating profiles dressed in camo with a fish this big? And the next picture is them standing in front of a biiiig rock? Yeah, pass.

Give me the guy that brings his guitar to every party because he's the guy that plays guitar. Give me the guy who's into cooking and who's a bit of a foodie and uses kosher salt specifically because obviously it's better than regular table salt. Give me the guy who's not afraid to show his emotions and has his soft moments and knows that I'll be there when he's soft because for damn sure he'll be there for me. Give me the guy who's into role playing of all sorts, who will play pretend, who will cosplay, who will stay up all night talking about how we're gonna set up this sick ass photo shoot because he knows a guy with a good lighting rig.

I'm definitely rambling now and getting sleepy but I just wanted to get that off my chest. Slide into those DMs if you wanna chat with a crazy Disney lady~

[doyouknowbtsswag]

Decay |Bangchan|

Part 1

I looked up at the sky thinking about what to do next. The only things I have are a single protein bar, my keys, and my wallet. I don't have anything to keep me alive. Everything is gone and I'm not going into the shit show city that once was my home. I finally stood up looking around walking to an urban area nearby to see if I can get any help. My car was gone so I was forced to walk. A disease that makes people eat other people sounds bizarre but unfortunately true. If you would've told me that yesterday I would have said you were crazy but here I am walking in my work clothes to find somewhere to stay. I was silent not wanting to draw attention to myself. It took me a half hour to walk to the neighborhood but I successfully made it without a problem. I walked further down the street before being pulled inside a house. I kicked around and was about to shout until the person started talking.

"Don't shout you'll draw attention and get me killed" A voice said his voice wasn't low but more on the higher side. Once he closed the door I bit his thumb which made him yelp in pain and let go of me.

"Ow that hurt" The boy whined holding his thumb. "Why'd you do that"

"Are you serious?" I scoffed looking at him in disbelief. "You kidnaped me"

"Correction saved you," He said looking at his thumb which was slightly bleeding. "If you went any closer you probably would have died."

"Excuse you?"

"Listen there are a bunch of dead guys ahead and I don't think you have the weapons to be fighting"

"Oh really?" I said crossing my arms. "What makes you say that?"

"It's pretty evident, if you were planning on using one of your keys it wouldn't work, it's not sharp or big enough"

"And how would you know? It's barely been a day since this started"

"It only takes one," He said changing the subject. "Let's start as if you didn't try and bite my thumb off."

"Okay?"

"I'm Seungmin," He said holding out his hand.

"Y/n," I said shaking it.

"We should pair up," He said crossing his arms.

"What do you mean?"

"Like survive together" He smiled. "I want to be friends and stick together."

"You know what sure I have nowhere to go and no one left."

"Well you won't lose me," He said.

"But I don't know you," I said relaxing a bit.

"We can go talk in the living room? We can talk about ourselves so we can trust each other"

"That sounds like a good idea," I said slowly as we walked into the living room. "So how exactly did you know that there were things down the street?"

"Well I live down there but I had to leave my house because they tried getting in." He said. "This house belonged to my now-dead neighbor so I'm staying here"

"I'm sorry about your house," I said.

"It's whatever I'm glad I was able to grab the things I needed and leave."

"How did you leave?"

"I hopped the fence and ended up here" He leaned back on the couch. "Where are you coming from?"

"The city, I managed to run out before my apartment got blown up."

"I'm sorry about your house then, at least mine is still intact." He said.

"I just don't understand anything."

"Me neither, I'm just going off of what my neighbor said to me before he died." He sighed. "Attack the brain, don't get bit"

"Is that the neighbor who?.."

"Yeah he said to come here, he was an older guy and told me he was happy to save a life over his even though I told him no" He looked down. "That's why I'm here"

"I'm so sorry"

"It's okay really, I have a survival buddy now so I won't have to fight alone" He looked at me smiling.

"Yeah neither of us will have to fight on our own." I smiled.

He smiled back as we chatted the rest of the night getting to know each other.

"I'll take the first watch," Seungmin said smiling. "Get some rest you look like you need it."

"I do actually" I chuckled. "I haven't gotten any for two months."

"Why?"

"I work in a classified scientific laboratory and we were working on a special case that to this day hasn't been finished."

"Well once this is over you can"

"Yeah I guess you're right" I smiled laying on the pullout couch. "Good night"

"Good night"

———————————————————————

Well here's chapter 2 I hope you like it! And remember ✨ you are perfect and worth it the way you are! ✨

[aviatrix-ash]

Thinking about planes again :'3

Lots of derailed and detailed thoughts about planes below. :'))

I have so many ideas for upgrades for the Ultra Pup to make it one epic little STOL plane. I'm thinking, slapping on that Super Beetle motor (or maybe 100hp Rotax or equivalent- this thing's statistically already a rocket with just it's 65HP) onto a beefed up engine mount (the guy who built this bird installed the wrong engine mount. Shape wise it's designed to withstand the kick of just the halved VW 2 cylinder VW motor, but this bird has the full sized one, which luckily has had it's power reduced so it shouldn't harm it's current mount too much. But if it had just a little bit more power to it I'd want to make a mount that's better capable of handling the big torque these car engines make at start up.

Oh and I'm thinking of putting in a composite electrically controlled variable pitch (constant speed too i think?) prop. ... in the future tho. Gonna start with a simple wood prop since they're lots cheaper & help absorb the high vibration produced by the VW engine. But a constant speed one I think would help reduce some stress on the engine, which for a 60+ year old car engine being made to run at stupid high RPMs for hours and hours (Yah cars do go fast and can hit those high RPMs without issue- but unless they're a NASCAR running around the tracks nonstop, cars typically don't run at those RPMs for long.) And car engines converted to plane engines typically have a much much higher RPM than a standard plane engine. But a good plane engine is out of touch for the foreseeable future as unless you can find a damn good deal from an old retired or dead pilot or mechanic (they do exist, Barnstormers had a sweet deal for 2 project Cubs & 4 Lycomings the other week- if I had the space, ability & $$ I'd have jumped on it 😤) but normally a working low time engine is incredibly expensive. Those days will come tho, when I finish my Powerplant license, save some cash for side project, then I can overhaul them myself. 😌

Oh yah, back to the Ultra Pup. Back when I 1st started this restoration, I wanted to make it old school analog. But I now understand how unreliable instrument vaccum pumps can be. But I'll 1st start off with some analog stuff powered by a the venturi (yup, going old-school with 1920s aviation technology 😌💕) since I've got most of the parts to do it. But eventually I'll rig it up with a proper electrical system and the little bird will get some modern solid state goodies + some LED navigation lights so I can fly at night. I mean, even tho it was designed to be an ultralight, mine was built with long range tanks and is capable of flying cross country. From what I hear from other pilots in my area (my Pup's kinda famous for some reason among the EAA guys here. They haven't given me many details yet but they all know my bird??😅) the last owner used to fly this bird all over the US. Dude made lots of trips from North Carolina to Florida and even to Wisconsin with this flying Volkswagen. It gives me a little more assurance (in I can rebuild this plane- seeing the previous builder's quality 😅)that this can actually be a cheap/affordable yet reliable little airplane. I really hope I can get it airworthy and not only build flight time & experience with it, but maybe in the future I'll get my CFI rating and continue the Ultra Pup's legacy in teaching people how to fly a taildragger. But the former will probably only happen after I can get on my feet in the industry, the FAA recently made it so CFIs can't make any money instructing in an Experimental. But hey, aviation is supposed to be fun anyways, experimentals and ultralights especially, when I can get on my feet, I probably would be a okay doing it just for fun. :3

Bleh just wanna get done with school already and get to working on planes for real. I have things I wanna do but they all require money and this aviator is broke broke cause plane fixing school eats all my time rn. :'))

[chrona-does-a-dev]

AUGUST 2nd

Notoriously auspicious day to begin. I have, of course, been doing dev work all summer, but now I will also be documenting it! I have a lot of projects I've been working on and a full list of them would be legitimately embarrassing, so you'll have to sort of work them out as I go. Maybe I'll do profiles as I continue? This is all new to me and very exciting, I haven't posted process on the internet in half a decade, now (I was a Wattpad writer back in the day). My thought is I'll either post once or twice a day, depending on energy-- once with plans for the day, another with results. The goal is to actually finish one of my projects, and maybe even two, by the end of August. I'm in the home stretch with quite a few of my projects, which is why I keep wandering over to other things... I'm extremely stuck on a weird bug in Unity for one, having problems with JARs for another, etc. etc. I also have writer's block! Enough about what I'm not doing. Here's what I am doing today:

Downloading Blender and Unreal (I've been meaning to port my least-finished project over to Unreal, just because Unity is such a mess and most of the jobs I'm applying for are looking for Unreal experience, and I have... you know, game engine experience in C++. Was it Unity? No, it was QT Creator...)

Following this tutorial to get a basic low-poly rig done, and then going from there. I don't expect this to be my final rig, but it's going to be fun to have *a* rig.

Convert that bad boy so I can actually have my little guy run around.

This is already wildly ambitious for one day, so we'll see how it goes! At the very least, doing some rigging/blender practice will be nice.

[besidesitstoowarm]

"The End of Time part 1" thoughts

me trying to recap this would take longer than the actual episode cause so much shit happened but i'll try to give a highlights reel when commentary as appropriate

the narration about how "in the final days of planet earth....everyone had bad dreams" kinda reminds me of eleven's ending monologue in "day of the doctor" and i like thinking about that connecting link. i don't know what that connection would mean but i'm sitting here letting it wash over me like a warm bath

ten gets a summons from the ood at the end of last episode and fucks around for a while before bothering to show back up at the planet of the ood. he got married! to liz 1! "her nickname is no longer, well" get it playa. the ood show him a teaser trailer for the rest of the episode and some cult breaks lucy saxon out of jail to do some fucking alchemy i guess? "the secret books of saxon" i like when doctor who gets corny but this was pushing it. they resurrect the master but lucy fucked it up just enough

wilf, genius, mobilizes every busybody elderly person he knows on a doctor-spying endeavor. the master shows up at a quarry and goes feral on a burger. when he leaps 10 miles into the air and lands on those two homeless guys to eat them, i said "that's the last thing my 7/11 cheeseburger sees" and my bf laughed

wilf does find ten and takes him to a little cafe and they chat. ten says something must be connecting them for wilf to find him so quickly, and i think this is twofold– i think they have a connection bc wilf is related to donna, who is obviously heavily entwined w him (like, sorry, in twilight how jacob was drawn to bella bc of her yet-unborn daughter), and i think it's also him being led to his death like the saddest little lamb to the slaughter. saving wilf will kill him, and so fate is bringing them together to facilitate that. ten admits he's going to die and wilf is like "okay? same" and ten says "don't you dare" and wilf says "alright i'll try not to" it's a cute bit. rip bernard

i think the part where he's agonizing over regeneration, "some new man goes sauntering away," that's cut and dry from rose, right? i've only seen a handful of classic regenerations (one to two, two to three, seven to eight, and for the 50th eight to war) and while they had some feelings about their deaths, it wasn't. existential? none of them AGONIZED over it. it just was what it was. even nine was okay becoming ten. but ROSE wasn't okay with that. ten's first day on earth was full of rose pining for the man he'd been. of course that imprinted on him!

anyway the master does force lightning when the doctor sees him, much like sheev did on the night rey's dad was conceived i imagine. the master is talking about how they were kids playing in the fields on the mountain and what kind of brokeback... he forces the doctor to telepathically hear his drumbeats by touching foreheads. it's fucking crazy. the master gets kidnapped and ten tells wilf "i can still smell him" what is even happening to you two

wilf says "i thought it'd be cleaner" when he gets in the tardis, lmao. the master is taken to some billionaire's house (played by friar tuck from bbc's robin hood, to me) to fix his immortality gate salvage thing. he's in a literal dog collar and leash and says "i like you. you'd taste great" do i even need to elaborate. he rigs the gate to turn everyone else on earth to "the master race" and we see obama?? like they cut to the us president about to give a speech and say it's barack obama?? why did they use obama why not Generic American. can you imagine if in "love actually" billy bob thornton was playing w bush i would have died

anyway we end on rassilon and the rest of the time lords reveling in the end of time coming to pass. it's probably nothing

[olabanjitech]

Dating a Curvy- The best way to LiveIf you are new I am John this is my beautiful wife danique and together we are Big Woman and Gringo, what's going on guys welcome back to our channel. Today are referring to dating a BBW Women the best way to survive it it's not that hard to survive it we've previously taken care of a couple of stuff in our very last video clip so we're going to skim over a few particulars but we all do get some pretty succulent kinds for you personally. Perform, so these days 1st step on our collection is exactly what we mentioned inside our previous video which is the tunes along with the belly dancing. Uh, within my Fat culture it is essential to hear excellent audio, to enjoy SSBBW audio and so as to dancing it. "great songs" very good tunes not very good tunes good audio. If you are dating a Big Woman, very important, you need to dance just a quick tip before we move on if you want to really impress your BBW girlfriend wife whatever she may be learn how to dance salsa, it's hard, I don't know how to do it I'm not good at it but if you just want to get by the way that I live my life you can dance bachata or merengue and she will love you just the same and for those of you that are learning you need to know two things Merengue one-two one-two one-two, bachata one two three up one two three up and when you start to learn that will all make sense to you, moving on, no first oh, wait, after merengue salsa bachata you need to learn to shake your booty, i think for me it's very important, uhm, my music I am always doing stuff with music I get ready listening to music I shower and I listen to music I cook another sort of music everything in my life revolves around good music and when I come into the house after getting off work whatever I'm doing really usually I catch her dancing around doing something and fat ladies dating site then you know what it's a pretty cool thing to walk into it's just it's a lively environment yes for dancing. Indeed, we haven't completed that yet, trendy movements. You'll get there, I'll get there we'll find out jointly. Next, we have food food is the best when you're in a relationship with the SSBBW. Yeah, most critical the arepas. Arepas for breakfast, arepas for meal, arepas for lunch, and arepas for merienda. Of course, arepas all the time, everyday, all day long, it never gets aged, its our loaves of bread. Arepas with cheese arepas with carne mechada, arepas con reina pepiada, arepa with this particular, arepa with this, arepa with everything. It's excellent you should attempt it! a single extremely funny factor that I identified to become humorous since we received more inside a relationship will be the social media facet of dating a BBW and plenty of you who maybe have never ever out dated a Big Woman or are just starting to or wish to you need to you ought to be mindful of this as i began dating Overlook Danique right here I began receiving a majority of these randomly just good friend comments and requests on my pictures and photosphotos and videos and, I, they were all BBW Singles labels I used to be like who the h..who seems to be this oh yeah that's my nephew that's her thirdly relative two times taken out that's my granddad, that's my sister's cousins father's child. They are all family she's related to everybody I swear she's related to everybo... she's probably related to you. i don't know, though it's ridiculous. It could be overpowering, I assumed I was receiving actually well-liked it turns out I wasn't Danique is definitely actually well-liked by her friends and family. all my enjoys started to get, you understand numerous likes on my small posts, I thought I was, was carrying out anything right I thought I found myself going to grow to be, you realize, Instafamous. No, just family. and the other factor that we sense is quite challenging for John to manage is dating like literally dating a Big Woman I couldn't time me I have a big perspective, oh indeed, extremely fiery.

.. they have a fuse that can be lit oh yeah so easily, oh so very easily. I've figured out to be a way better gentleman in the romantic relationship. You must be a gentlemen! If you've never dated one, you have to be, you can't date a Plus size and not be a gentleman. it's like you don't understand. One or the other, because either if you don't they're either gonna get mad at you and just go off on you or they're gonna cry. You don't available the door on her, you don't really know what part you happen to be going to get. "Who are you, who performed I wed, what happened" You only don't know. You must be a gentleman and you need to be in a position to deal with the hot attitude. Yeah. Which is a little sexy im not gonna lie to you, because I get cussed at in English. I really like it. You know whenever she really starts going off on me in English, deep down I'm kind of like "nice" but then you have to stand you're ground. sometimes you know I gonna fight back, but I never win. Nope, doesn't happen because even if you're right when dating a BBW Singles, you're wrong. You're wrong it's it's excellent, you already know you get accustomed to it, you do, you might enter into a romantic relationship together with the Big Beautiful Woman being a powerful impartial guy, you are making it noise so terrible, its not too poor. It's not really that bad. You merely reached get accustomed to it. I wouldn't already have it any other way. Truly even though? Definitely? Are you currently sure? yes, needless to say! I wouldn't have it any other way. One thing you definitely gotta be aware of when dating a Big Beautiful Woman is the fiery attitude but on a plu...on another note when they do get really mad at you and you let them win because even though you know you're right they won because that's the way they are, eventually they'll realise, okay, maybe he was right but they won't say it, instead, they will make you an arepa. there's a plus right there! yet another thing one more position probably the best stage but as well it's a little weird, these are constantly, usually clothed for the nines. You should be. It can be fantastic they are always outfitted just fall-dead lovely, cosmetics done properly, lipstick on, eyes accomplished, searching fine, making you look really good regardless of where you are going but you need to be aware of a few issues... 1: they will never be completely ready by the due date. Nope! When we say 5, we imply 7. And you learn to adapt to that, because if I want to be somewhere at 7 I try to make sure Danique is ready by 5. Then we whine exactly why are you do not ready but, you need to have been completely ready hrs earlier. I'm all set precisely why are you not all set, yeah, it's challenging. But it performs, we have to where by we have to be punctually. So little tip, just tell her to be ready a couple hours beforehand. Something different to travel in addition to it they must be prepared for, it doesn't subject where you're proceeding it doesn't subject she is going to set her best clothing on that she has offered. Placed her makeup into it makes no difference. John generally has a problem with me like getting dressed fairly to go to the films and carrying out my makeup and stuff he's like why you're starting similar to a dark space! I'm going to go on public before that, though yes. We're seeing the films you're gonna rest inside a darker room and you're going to see a motion picture no one's gonna be watching you, no one's gonna know. You're proceeding in public areas. Yes that is my position! So Dating a SSBBW be prepared! You're by no means about to be on time but it's good cause she's gonna seem lovely. And it also doesn't matter where by you're moving. That's correct. Loved ones. Family members are every thing! You are unable to date a Big Woman and never time her family as well and this noises odd, I have that but that's just the way it is. Household is everything to us and they're going to be a part of our lifestyle.

What are you saying? There always gonna take part in our existence. Everything has to do with family if John tells me, "hey babe do you want to grill"? Oh yeah yeah certain mum is arriving. Or "hello would you like to have a beverage with me"? Yeah certain mother is on its way. Family members are every thing and you only need to get accustomed to that! Possibly you want my mother or we won't workout and you also do utilized to it. But I've lived out of the country since I was, i don't know what, when we started dating it really was an adjustment it really was because I'm really close with my family? , 20?18 and 19 19, two decades outdated. And So I enjoy our family, I communicate with our family but just thin air close to the exact same level that the BBW Singles does. I phone my mother 4 times each day. Or even more. Hola mami, day! Nena if you are watching I love having you around if we make plans I legit and I've gotten used to it now it doesn't bother me at all! It does not bother me, but now I've just gotten to the point where I plan on her mom or a family member being there it's just what I do. so yes, deal with it! the idea that will go and with this, usually have a complete freezer, usually take out more, just in order to have enough foods to give whichever family member is on the way. One of the funniest things, for me of dating a Fat is, they're all medical doctors... You didn't know? No, yeah, they're all doctors! If they're not their mom is, They're all MD certified, every single one of them and! They have home remedies for everything! In case you have a belly bug we offer you te de manzanilla! If you're going bald, rub some Vicks on you're head, and you're hair will grow! if you have a broken toe, you should jump into the ocean, because the ocean thinks is everything! the seas repairs every thing! Just make sure you possess a great deal of wolf fangs readily available, the foot of the initially delivered, and toenail cuttings, put it all together you obtained a home remedy! Trademarked "BBW Singles-Gringo" I assurance it works! If you're gonna get into a relationship with a Curvy these these points will help, those are the key points that we wanted to cover of dating a Big Beautiful Woman and a few tips, and. But you will need to just find out as you go also. Each and every BBW is different. There's a few similarities that maybe hopefully this video will help you survive if you can think of anything else that maybe we didn't cover comment down below let us know, although just like every person is different! If you are a Curvy, if you're dating a Fat, if you want to start dating a Big Woman. Let us know inside the comments down below to ensure that we can return to you together with probably develop other tips of points to share. If you watch this whole video we thank you, and if you are new! !! We can't hang on to go on developing this station please remember to punch that join switch! Abandon us a like, keep us a comment, share it in your Facebook we're becoming accustomed to the concept. Let every person know. Tell them about BBW Women and Gringo! So we will talk to you guys next week we really enjoyed making this video and we enjoy doing this for you guys. so, peace! !

[dzpenumbra]

3/16/23

It's 4:15 AM. I just got done with my stream. I started streaming around 11:30ish, I was planning on just doing a quick little stream I guess. "Quick little Rimworld stream." Riiiiiiiiiight...

People... showed up. I got 3 new followers! Some dude came by and chatted and I introduced him to Rimworld and gave him the lowdown, it was really nice connecting a new person to the game. And a guy from my past, from literally a past life (different username, back when I'd get really high and play Wreckingball in Overwatch QuickPlays), he dropped in and reconnected. Literal fucking strangers from 4 years ago dropped by my stream and my "friends", shit... my own brother who also games... wouldn't. I guess that's why they're... ex-friends, eh? Enough mourning that shit, I'll save my grief for those who actually wanted to spend time with me.

Today was just... super different. A very different vibe to it. Like light was shining into my life. Like... I had this golden light pouring into my apartment in my preview cam on Betterhelp today, and it caught my eye. And that feels very symbolic of my day. My new desk came today. It is really cool, it's electric and it saves certain heights, so I can press a button and switch it from sitting desk to standing desk. Super fucking fancy, big thanks to my mom for splurging on that one as a christmas gift that literally just got here. I spent most of the day putting it together and relocating my computer. It's weird having the whole desktop tower sitting on top of the table, but I think I really need to do that... because I don't know how I'm going to have the cables rigged if it's on the floor... so it can still adjust, you know? I don't know, it works for now, that's the important part.

In therapy, I talked about grief. About how I haven't really had the opportunity to grieve my cat the way I grieved my dog, no one to really process it with. And those around me haven't really treated it with the same delicate nature they did when Cerry passed. People near me were thoughtful and gentle then. This time, not so much. At least it feels that way.

I tried to communicate that... like... I haven't really let myself engage with the loss feelings as much with Max. Which sucks. I'm just... very geographically far away from anyone who might even pat me on the back, you know? And it's hard to be emotionally vulnerable in that way... even with myself... when comfort is not available if the grief gets too deep. Like existential-freakout-deep. Maybe I'm reading into that too much. That, in itself, feels like a PTSD response. And I think it is.

This whole "I can't let myself feel sad unless I have someone around to comfort me" thing. Why? Because of Spring/Summer 2019. When I didn't give a fuck. When I didn't let Fear make decisions for me. When I made a blood oath with myself in my Zen garden to never let Fear make decisions on my behalf ever again. And then Fear consumed me, like I challenge the God of Fear himself. Ironically, Phobos is the greek god of Fear/Panic... accompanying his brother Deimos, god of Terror/Dread. Both moons of Mars, and sons of Ares, the god of War. Perfectly natural that both anticipatory dread and frenzied panic would be born of war. And, interestingly enough, I was going to name Maxine "Phobos". That was initially going to be her name, when I originally got her... until I decided it was a bit too dark, and not really fitting to name such a friendly and confident cat as her after Fear itself. I came up with Max as a backup, which just fit a bit better. Then, when the vet gave me an impromptu gender reveal... the name was going to change to "Phoebe", but the name just didn't fit either. And when the vet asked what to put on her records? We went with Maxine, and it was kinda serendipitous that my backup name happened to be androgynous.

I am seeing very clearly now why there are two gods there - panic and terror. They are different feelings, aren't they? Panic being like... being on a battlefield and needing to flee. And terror/dread being... impending doom, anticipation, the unknown, something lurking outside your door. And I have definitely gotten a healthy dialogue going with Phobos. For a while now. And I can stare that fucker in the eyes and have a chat with him now. Much better than before. But Deimos and I, on the other hand...

It seems like that's really my problem. It's not that I'm in the middle of a freak out right now and I want to run the fuck away. It's that I'm scared of putting myself in that situation... and not having the proper tools... or having it go very wrong. And I don't even have a clear image of what "wrong" looks like there. What... I get really sad and my heart feels like a black hole and I cry uncontrollably and I just want someone to hold me and reminisce on how cool of a cat she was... and how hard it was to see her suffer so much... and... there's just no one available to do that with? Like... that's right now. I literally just did that... and the world didn't end... Why the fuck am I so scared of it? Why will I avoid grieving... just to avoid acknowledging that I am forced to grieve alone? That I have no choice but to grieve alone.

I guess it's avoiding that reality.

I connected that intuitively to 2019, that was when I still had a friend or two in the bank. Or at least the losses were very fresh, at least it felt like I had friends in my back pocket. By the end of that summer, I had run through them all. I reached out AA-style to literally everyone. My good friend I met through Minecraft, who I was Best Man for. My college friend who I was also groomsman for. My former best friend in college, whose daughter I was godfather to. Her husband, who I was better friends with than I was with her... My ex-girlfriend from college, the only one I ever really - I typed "loved" and deleted it, I don't think it was love, it was very intense infatuation. Love is mutual. My former best friend from highschool, who was a deadbeat mom of 5 working at an audio company that catered concerts and shit, living with a boyfriend she was clearly using to pay her rent for her while she spent all her cash buying cocaine and fucking local wannabe rappers. (Don't worry, things worked out great with that plan, last time I saw her she was homeless, lost like 100 lbs and was being summoned to court on charges of accessory to trafficking fentanyl across state lines). I even reached out to my old bandmate in college, who used to be my actual best friend... who blew me off time and time again, and that time was no exception. I mean, I reached out to everyone. I even reached out to my most recent ex, at that point, it was probably about 6 months that we had been broken up and she still lived in the same small town. Everyone.

And I struck out.

So... that fucked me up. My panic and dread went haywire after that. Because I learned first-hand that if something bad happened, if I needed a friend, anything... no one was coming. It was a weird transition. It used to be "I don't want to bother them", or "they've got enough going on". Now? Uh-uh. Nope. That anxiety of "shit is hitting the fan, you need to call someone"... that number is getting dialed. Only... there's no number to dial! XD

So yeah. I guess that's a complicated emotion to engage with. And it makes me avoid really big, difficult things... because I know at a very intuitive level that if something goes wrong, I'm on my own. And that's risky. Like... detoxing off of meds. I would actually keep myself on meds I hated, that I really wanted to be off of... just so I could buy time to get someone into my life to create a safe environment for me to detox off. Not just physically, but emotionally. I would just... not detox... rather than detox alone and risk my life or my sanity. Because I've had it go bad before.

But with this... I just... I can't. I have to let myself go there. Like... the dream journal the other day. I hate recording nightmares in a dream journal. I have to make myself do it. I have to force my hand over to grab it and start writing. I want nothing more than to just forget it. But those are the most important dreams. And I keep... forgetting that. I keep forgetting that really important lesson. The dreams you want to forget, that repulse you and make you feel really uncomfortable and disturbed. They're the most important. Maybe not literally, but in their message. Emotions themselves are not bad. They are just different degrees of feeling. Anger is not innately bad. Fear is not innately bad. Depression... well... we're not gonna talk about that one, that's the exception, the rule applies to the rest of it! Grief is not bad. It's what you do with it that determines whether it becomes something harmful or helpful.

And I think I've been stuffing my grief down. And avoiding it. And waiting for a person who isn't coming to process it, to engage with it, to talk about it. And... that is never healthy. Repression is never healthy. Fighting yourself is never healthy. My self looks at the bathmat where my cat was hiding in her last days, and remembers her, and wrenches my heart. My self sees the particles of litter on the banjo case next to my desk that she loved to sit on when I was gaming. And when I see those things, and feel the pain and loss that comes with it... I turn away and say "not now". "I can deal with that feeling later." But there has been no "later" for over a month, nearly a month and a half now. There was no later. I guess... later is now.

And I'll tell ya. It's not that bad. The initial shock of it is kinda the worst part. And I really hate that I'm running from her memory like this, it feels so fucking unfair to her.

Like... picture a ghost movie, right? I fucking love this analogy because it's so accessible. Any ghost movie, take your pick, but like... a true "lost soul" haunted house ghost movie. It's always someone who died unexpectedly or of tragic means. It's rarely granny who passed peacefully in her sleep. They are usually trying to communicate, and really frustrated that they can't. They don't even know they're dead half the time. They're like... stuck in time. And these memories, these visceral memories of my cat on the bathmat and on the banjo case, and sitting in her cat tree. They are my ghosts of her... er... her ghost to me? And they are trying to communicate with me, to interact with me, to engage my memory. The spirit of my cat. The essence, the memory, the remainder. And what do I do with that memory? I reject it. How fucking cruel of me. That poor girl suffered so fucking much, and I reject her memory?! -_- I feel selfish.

I hope I can just... remember. Remember that the first bit is the worst part. That you have to ride that memory roller coaster, and make sure it covers the good memories too. Don't just cling to the trauma memory, or block out all memory to spare the difficult ones. Erasing one's existence is... kinda overkill, and kinda not something kind to do to one that you love. I think, at least. So... I hope to, eventually, get to the point where I can look at the bathmat and go "that's where she hid when she was about to die... but also where she would prepare to jump up on the sink to get water, and where she'd rub up against me when I was brushing my teeth, and sit in the sink waiting for me to turn it on, which she did since she was a tiny little kitten." And that first memory will be painful, but it's isn't the end-all be-all of the thought pattern, it's the entryway to a beautiful tapestry of memories. An access point to her whole story. Not just the tragic end.

Deeply overdue for a vibe reset. The Rimworld playthrough is getting really good. The story is forming itself in really miraculous ways, as only Rimworld can. And I've already impressed several new people with my storytelling, it meant a lot to me. Like... someone told me they could see it as an "actual sci-fi story" that I was writing, which... I mean, technically I'm co-writing, but... like... that's exactly what I'm doing in front of you, bud! XD Good read! It's always very heartwarming and confidence boosting to have someone openly appreciate your skill set. Hopefully it engaged them enough that they return!

I'm going to go to bed, it's past 5 now. I'd say worth it.

[the-firebird69]

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It's true when company is Peterbilt and my son is Kenworth and they're too juggernauts so trucker companies right now we're building tons of each his fault tons of weight am I full of tons of weight and Hera she has Coleman and those make pullers okay those are big trucks but they're not made for the Long haul she has some and she's competing now but these two brands are selling like hotcakes says he can use a hot cake. True too made all the food crappy it's hard to eat around here. This shows a part of the Peterbilt even though the cab is moving around and they usually do that it's got power to pull these tandems really easily and it is doing it and this is special tandem SLV is a special company that does high performance parts it's not our company and it shrunk too very miniscule size but they're out there now it's selling it some of these parts and they're going everywhere you see them pretty soon they're going to be out of parts though and they're not making enough to keep up with demand and we'll have to do it right away too use thier distribution Network and people wanted to tell. We avoided a problem here because of our son's idea that's coming up too pink is used to it she's older she's like probably 25,000 years old that's an old woman he says I'm sorry great grandma you're older than me she's laughing out loud you can hear you from here. And she does get me out of here I'm tied up and stuff well one more stop and he'll be out of case no more Joe and Grand Uncle Max is going to come get you out she says thank you since you're welcome in advance and he saved my life again, it actually did they weren't ready to go in that little whipper snapper rey did it... He told me and it's okay you're back together. That's okay I'm back together it's a weird day I'll go save your mom so you can get help you certainly need it our son says. Get your brother out of here you idiot yeah yeah sort of. We'll have to figure it out again it's going to happen in the museum. They made that movie that is the museum about it. That's weird to tell Tommy Allen is right now.

And the moving stuff to all over the world to make the cars faster to fight off the clones or coming up and trying to rig stuff and they need the stuff right now so something a lot of fast cars and we're selling tons of parts and we're selling them right now I mean there's a huge sales and they're fighting these guys it should have been fighting for a long time but nope I had any more intelligence and they're going to get it now. Is Corvette is sold out and we're making more it's very fast those people want fly cars and we're building them in huge numbers. BJ's in the museum yes and in the Amsterdam and there's a war on to free him a lot of people think it's the edge of tomorrow war. And we think it is too and then stan it goes up as his amass and get hardware. It's a lot more two things that he thinks and it's really weird and gross so we're moving on but this is going to happen no it's happening and we're making tons of trucks by the way even though the population is shrinking very fast and we still need trucks and tons of them.

Thor Freya