#one of my deepest beliefs is that people can always change grow and take choices

[elbiotipo]

Calvinism is a branch of protestanism that says that God has already chosen who will be saved and who would go to hell, without anyone having any choice in the matter. (Predestination) If there is a theology I deeply, deeply and genuinely despise to my very core, is predestination. It goes against everything I genuinely believe, the possibility of change, redemption, and choice.

I cannot believe it was the official religion of many countries. The doctrine of "some people are just born to go to hell no matter what you do". If you ask me about one theological belief I genuinely hate, it's this.

[silvysartfulness]

xiao xingchen's mental state is So Terrible

Request: Can we see Xiao Xingchen’s thoughts on near suicide? Abandonment? Betrayal? He’s defined himself by other people for most of his life - his master, his totally-not-soulmate Song Lan, and his murder-soulmate Xue Yang. To be left by one person and then to be betrayed by another must be … a lot. Does Xingchen think he betrayed Song Lan because Xue Yang killed Song Lan’s people?  He hasn’t had any time to deal with it, because he’s been playing babysitter… and then saving his pet murderer, too.  Because I’ve put a lot of thought into this, but my writing skills are about 0, and you are so good at angst.

Okay! I’ll just… stream of consciousness on this. Because there is a lot to say about Xiao Xingchen’s mental state, his sacrifices, his losses and his choices.

There’s definitely a lot of touching on these issues currently in Heaven Has A Road. The callback to Xiao Xingchen’s suicide, and the way both Xue Yang and Song Lan fear the worst when he takes off on his own.

The kicker is that Xiao Xingchen himself doesn’t realize. Doesn’t realize that they worry about that, or why they would. He may still be very much prone to self-sacrificial and reckless decisions for the sake of others, but he’s not actively suicidal or seeking to self-harm now, at least not in such a direct and physical way.

But of course it’s a theme very much hanging in the air.

To look back at canon; Xiao Xingchen is, I think, naive even by Celestial Mountain standards. The previous two of Baoshan Sanren’s disciples who left the mountain either went dark (it’s just vaguely hinted at, but clearly it Was Not Pretty) or was a rather mischievous trickster (shaving off Lan Qiren’s beard for being a rule-obsessed square).

There is a spiritual concept of “going into the world” or “leaving the world” respectively - leaving is what Baoshan Sanren did, letting go of attachment to worldly matters to retreat to her unnamed mountain and cultivate immortality. What Xiao Xingchen does is the opposite - he chooses to “enter the world”, to leave that detached existence behind to get involved in earthly matters - beautifully alluded to by the “chen” in his name, meaning (worldly) dust. (That choice is what Xue Yang curses him for during their confrontation that last day - “If you don’t understand the world, you shouldn’t have come! Why didn’t you stay on your mountain?!” )

But he makes that choice. He wants to help people, make a difference, and so he leaves his family behind, makes that sacrifice even knowing that it means he won’t ever see his home again, and descends into the world.

Xiao Xingchen is described as gentle but determined, not only physically fighting and vanquishing evil, but helping people with any ”difficult matter” they bring before him, never refusing anyone. He wants to do good; what’s good for any humble person, not just the mighty few. And for all that he is naive, Xiao Xingchen is also self-assured and uncompromising. He knows what he is striving for, and he doesn’t hesitate when it comes to putting thought into action.

And down in the world, he finds someone else who puts those ideals over the blood ties of the mighty clans - Song Lan. Zichen. They grow close, they talk about starting a sect together – between the lines that means spending the rest of their lives together, living for those shared ideals. They grow so close, people always mention them together.

And then Xue Yang happens. Something so corrupted and grisly, it shakes even this extremely powerful young cultivator.

Whether you go by novel or series canon, the way the rest of the world handles the aftermath of the Chang massacre, it clearly dents Xiao Xingchen’s trust in the sects, in society and its concept of ”justice” quite badly.

And then Baixue happens, as a direct consequence of them capturing and making enemies with Xue Yang. Xue Yang specifically tells Song Lan, ”Tell Xiao Xingchen this is a gift for him!”

So yes, I think Xiao Xingchen takes the full blame of the Baixue massacre upon himself, because Xue Yang was out to hurt him. But because he and his immortal master were out of reach, Baixue paid the price. Song Lan paid the price.

So he broke his vow never to return home, and he gave up his eyes, in a hopeless bid to repair some modicum of the damage he’d caused, to at least give Song Lan his sight back, if not his home, his family, his ideals and beliefs and and hope.

At some point in that aftermath, Song Lan did blame Xiao Xingchen and told him they should never meet again, and he took that to heart, too. Of course Song Lan wouldn’t want to see him again – what is he now, but a reminder of those losses? The losses his own hubris caused?

So he wrapped up Shuanghua and went nameless into the world, avoiding attachments, described as wandering aimlessly from place to place to offer help and then move on, to make sure no one else would be hurt because of him. (That Xue Yang wouldn’t hurt anyone else because of him.)

I wrote a passage about him thinking back on this in an upcoming chapter;

I tried being no one, he thought, unbecomingly bitter and hurting. To make sure people wouldn’t get hurt because of me again. I thought I succeeded, but I ended up hurting people, killing people with my own hands instead.

He studiously tried tuning out the somewhat uneven footfalls behind them, focused wholly on the hand in his.

I tried being nothing, after that, after learning the truth.

But people had died because of him all the same, even then, even with him gone. The last survivors of the Chang, the people of Yi City, all those nameless victims whose blood had paid for the spells to drag him back into the world of the living… A-Qing.

I won’t hide away again, he thought, setting his jaw. I have to try… Try to be something. To do something. To leave a legacy better than this. To make it all worth it, make sure all this suffering wasn’t for nothing.

It was a bitterness that his hopes of doing that, the chance to realize the purpose he so desperately clung to… came at the hands of the man whose shadow had haunted him into nameless exile and caused all that grief and death in the first place.

How much time Xiao Xingchen had to think about all this varies wildly between CQL-canon and MDZS-canon – in the novel, not a whole lot of time passes between the Baixue massacre and Xiao Xingchen meeting a-Qing and eventually Xue Yang. But in CQL, the Baixue massacre takes place before Sunshot, before Yiling Laozu claims the Burial Mounds, before Nightless City and Wei Wuxian’s death… it’s been years of wandering alone before Xiao Xingchen meets a-Qing, and then Xue Yang. I’m not sure if it’s stated how long the Sunshot war is in CQL-canon, but even only going by the things we do know – Yanli having a child, Wei Wuxian having been dead for 16 years at the end of the Yi City arc where the main events took place 10 years ago, it’s anywhere between seven to some ten years.

So I think he has had a lot of time to reflect on all that grief from the past, but that it’s really just been spirals of hopelessness, never really processing or moving on from it. Shuanghua is still wrapped up when he meets a-Qing. He doesn’t introduce himself by name. It’s her shameless happiness, her choice to seek out his company – oh, how he’s ached for connection! - that finally gets him smiling again.

And once he makes friends with the odd stranger whose life he saves… He smiles. He laughs. They all build a home together. Shuanghua is no longer hidden. At the market, the stranger casually calls him by his name.

I think it’s only once they settle down in Yi City that he really begins healing from the horrors of the past. Dares start to build something new, in a tiny little backwater at the very edge of the map. Surely Xue Yang’s shadow won’t reach him, and this humble little existence he’s building here?

So of course it utterly breaks him when the truth comes out. Not just one, but awful truth after awful truth, tearing apart everything he’s built, everything he thought he had – everything he’s done.

A-Qing lied to him about being blind. His ”friend” was Xue Yang all along. He’s been tricked into killing people. He was tricked into killing Song Lan.

The character songs of the Yi City arc lean very heavily into Buddhist rather than Daoist themes – which is super interesting! - but especially the concept of karmic justice. No matter how unaware Xiao Xingchen was of it, he has killed. Not only did he turn away from cultivating immortality a long time ago – his soul is tainted forever. Gu Cheng speaks of ”debts” that can’t be repaid, falling into karmic sin. This isn’t just about tricking him into doing nasty things which leaves him horrified – he has been spiritually destroyed, and he didn’t even know.

The line of Gu Cheng that cuts the deepest is perhaps ”it was not your fault”/ ”The guilt doesn’t lie with you.”

Because that, I think, is at the core of things when Xiao Xingchen reaches for Shuanghua that day in Yi City - that he feels that it does. That it’s all his fault.

He has lost everything. He let down and/or was betrayed by everyone he knew. Killed his beloved soulmate. He himself is tainted and ruined beyond all salvation, because of what he’s done. And so he doesn’t just kill himself, he destroys himself, kills his body and shatters his soul, beyond all hope for reincarnation and rebirth. He utterly and completely ends himself, ends everything that is and was Xiao Xingchen.

Which is heartbreaking beyond words, and also why Heaven Has A Road clearly needed to happen. D:

…

I hope this was at least in the ballpark of the kind of rambling you were hoping for. XD

[we-live-in-a--society]

Prima facie

Control.

A mere word, a conglomerate of letters once combined by a long-gone person, holding more authority than the richest, than the most talented, than the so-called Übermensch with the perspectives of ‘eternal’ life sprawling in front of him.

Genocide of the spiritual beings, unrestrained in the sublime sense of word, slaves of the outside influence, damned for

Eternity.

Feigned assurance, mere illusion blurring out the lines between reality and fantasy, the dreamland of fools, built upon skillful falsities, where each one has an unrepeatable chance to stand on both sides of the barricade.

Relief-providing, such an obtuse lie, beyond offensive to assume anyone would believe it, and yet the affirmation is effortless – just look around, they say, and you will see the things no one has ever wished for.

Ecstasy-granting, allowing to visit the places… the places abounded in the deepest desires, now within the reach of each and every man, person who considers them in terms of fulfilling, enough to stifle the sour thoughts.

Entropic fallout.

The perspectives that hunt the brightest.

* * *

“Day two thousand eight hundred first,” subdued by the sound of running shower, and yet clear enough to be filtered out just perfectly. “It’s funny that people perceive others in terms of their achievements and nothing else. All they see is that outside surface that divides them from their surroundings, and sometimes it’s so hard for me to understand that way of thinking. It’s so absurd, so abstract, and yet I’ve been someway forced to understand it… the reality… it’s so absurd that one day you do things you don’t wanna do, and then something changes and you feel like it’s a big deal, a meaningful transition, and then you realize that it’s all bullshit but it’s also too late. You’re drowning in the same shit once again…” a coarse laughter, indication of sarcasm, intruder creeping between the male’s words, just about to lose his train of thoughts.

“Even though there’re times when you forget it was ever there but it’s always there. Of course, you can pretend, ‘cause pretending is easy but does it make sense? It’s a meaningful question – does it make sense – but I also believe it’s the question of people who are lost and don’t really know what to do, so they just keep asking the same question, keep reconsidering it, but never get the result they aim for, and in the end realize that maybe it all makes no sense, but what would we have if elsewise… those things we see, those people we meet, and who we‘re beyond all of these, beyond the modifications that we do, beyond the changes, beyond pretending to be someone we are not…”

“It’s funny, truly the fallout of everything but so blessed, so pretty, everything that we’ve ever desired for within our reach. We think that it justifies our choices, that we’re so perfect we don’t need to justify anything, that we can do whatever we want to, ‘cause we have the resources, while in reality we don’t have as many as we think we have.”

“You know, there was a man in my past who used to tell me that ‘you gotta do what you gotta do; and what you gotta do is you gotta man up’…”

A speech that is interrupted by an unyielding forefinger pressing the pause button, and so putting the device on halt, soon to be abandoned in the depth of his safe. It is that kind of data he would never store on his personal hard drive, since the possible leakage would result in disastrous consequences, the ones he is not much likely to dig out of.

Ironic.

Just any other day, his eyes drift to the bathroom mirror, greeted by the common, not to mention beyond-pleasing, sight – a man in prime of life, fit as in evidence of self-discipline, skin almost black with the ink, although usually obscured by the expensive suits, meant for his eyes only, but at times shared with the passing-through lovers. Raking his fingers through the hair, he decides the sides require some trimming, especially today, since first impressions are always important, at least according to what he was told in the past, considered inconsequential if juxtaposed with present – a paradox in its purest form.

(Time is money.)

Settling the thoughts aside for a moment, he fishes out the clippers, buzzling to life in his hand, then ties the longer part of hair into a resemblance of bun. Of course there are much more convenient, which might as well be replaced with ‘faster’, solutions to fix the overgrown cut, and yet he opts for the old-fashioned way – a reminiscence of father’s tales, but also related to the self-reliance, capacity of accomplishing as many tasks as possible without anyone’s assistance – since with the right device it takes barely any effort.

With that thought in mind, he rakes the blade past the sides, tiny pieces of hair soon to sprinkle down onto the towel draped over his shoulders in advance, and after a few longer moments, he is greeted with the satisfactory sight, basked in the bright mirror LEDs. As for the final result, he releases the top part, combing it back with a hint of product to keep them styled neatly for the rest of the day – display of classic elegance that he has grown accustomed with throughout the years. Being honest here, he has always considered appearance in terms of something significant in his line of work – flawless presentation of one’s professionalism, indication of people’s superficiality – firmly detached from his private life, since elsewise he would lack in the former quality.

Years ago, he has come to a conclusion that blurring out the lines between those two factors leads to a relatively obnoxious outcome – a moment of ignorance and troublesome aftermath, although worth sacrifice at times. Perfection is nothing more than an obtuse dream, while mistakes are what makes one a human, acts that shape up the present – only aspect within the specie’s reach – bestowing each one of them with everything he could dream of, but in capacity of snatching away equal amounts. Suffering is the greatest paradox of all – blissful pain – akin to a bunch of clouds obscuring the sun, obviously present underneath even if hidden for our poor perception – a promise of transitional felicity, feigned when it comes to one’s assumptions about its everlasting duration.

Long live the deceit.

And yet, what seems to preoccupy his mind more, aside from the competence-related ponderation, appears to be the odd curiosity oscillating around her persona, or rather the difference between the so-called rising star

(let’s see for how long)

and her predecessors: how often would she call in sick? decline interviews? refuse to cooperate? oversleep? overdose? Which might as well be a question of time, meant to unravel in due course, all to his misery, even though he should be able to abide such circumstances with a decent amount of money, leading to dubious mental capacity when it comes to dealing with extravagant artists and their arsenal of lacking predictions, fallouts with producers, fussy whims, along with all the acts of great absurdity that somehow get him to roll his eyes in exasperated disbelief on each and every occasion.

The least patient man.

* * *

Morning light.

The most relentless alarm clock ever ‘invented’, practically prying her eyes open, immediate to bury her face in a silky pillow, letting out a frustrated groan, as she pulls up the covers, body shivering in the chilly room. Relieved by the newfound wave of heat, she is back to tethering on the edge between dreams and reality, hoping to get as much sleep as possible until the digital sound will slice through the city hum, which in turn evokes genuine respect towards the people who ‘rise and shine’ during the earliest hours just to face the day and seize all opportunities. Part of the woman scolds her for such laziness, but realistically thinking it is yet another transcendent goal, not noted with intention of fulfillment, instead left to lurk in the back of mind and bother her in the most unfavorable moments, as per usual.

Along with the pressing desire to ignore that peculiar stressful tension, it adds up to the growing pile of lies, meant to complete itself as she pursues further with life, but at the same time labelled as a habitual factor, allowing her to keep the head clear when required, unoccupied by the never-ending considerations, and yet opposed to the raging storm of thoughts. In one hand, her stomach is twisting with the nervous anticipation, but in the other she cannot deny the fluttering butterflies that have been disrupting the young woman since the very first time he called her, or more precisely – since the very first time his hologram appeared on dialing device, accompanied by the husky baritone that he used to expound the details concerning their arrangement – inexplicable yet important.

(Take the bitter with the bitter, isn’t it what they say?)

Funnily enough, she remembers each and every time her mother would preach the prodigal daughter about the consequences of such behavior, built upon foolish beliefs, teenage cravings of ineffable love, never meant to be fulfilled if beyond idealized. However, said factor has never seemed to put her pursuit to a halt, and so thwart the zeal – incandescent rod branding her soul for blissful eternity – soaked in the tears of those who perished, mainly her and the injudicious teens, lacking in what she was searching for at that time – a desire obscure enough to participate in the realm of ideas, in other words unable to be verbalized in face of pitifully limited vocabulary. Might as well be the reason why she struggles with forming any long-term relationship, always distracted by the passing opportunities, unable to break the unfortunate turn of events, conflicted with the more mature part of her, aiming mainly for self-development that leads to inevitable success – another silly daydream?

Maybe.

“Ugh, fuck this,” she whines into the pillow, presumably late, either way finds herself not quite concerned by concepts as equally absurd as time, while rolling onto the cooler side of bed – close call to the dubiously pleasant encounter with polished floor. Frustrated as ever, she hears the digital ringtone, more than aware who might be bothering her generously elongated sleep at such early hour, nevertheless obliged to pick up with a heavy pat delivered onto the screen. “Hello?”

“Good morning, Gia,” oh my fuck, he remembers. “I’ve wanted to make sure everything is relevant today, ‘cause I’ll be there in like… fifteen minutes, I think.”

“Oh, fifteen minutes,” she almost gasps, unable to conceal the nervous chuckle, certain there is no possibility she will meet him on time. “That’s cool, but I won’t make it.”

She hears his exasperated huff on the other side of the line, along with the calm exhale, and the following words – indication of the so-called professionalism. “How much time do you need then?”

“I don’t know…” she draws – a mannerism that he loathes more than anything – uncertainty audible within her voice, since she has blocked the visual channel, presumably still on the early stage of preparation. “Half an hour?”

“That supposed to be a question or an answer?” He manages to conceal the aggravated bark, tightening his grip around the steering wheel instead.

“An answer, I guess,” she shrugs, now risen up to a seating position, with the silky sheets pooling around her waist.

“Brilliant,” he concludes, a tad bit too drily for her own tastes, either way she ignores the unpleasant note, belittling it to the status of yet another subconscious allusion, prompted by the fairly deceivable mind.

“Anyway, you can drop by my flat if that’d be more convenient,” she proposes, yawning as her limbs stretch, joints cracking in a satisfactory way.

“Text me the address then, and I’ll meet you there,” he instructs in a blunt manner – non-verbal indication that ‘no’ appears to be an invalid response in such circumstances.

“With-” oh right, he hung up.

What a douchebag.

Luckily capable of ignoring the bitter aftertaste, at least for now, she stands up, shivering as her feet brush the cool floor, which in the end turns out as rather beneficial, pacing up her walk to the bathroom. Accompanied by the electric buzz, the light flickers out, reminding her for the nth time this week to call the estate owner, and deal with it like any reasonable adult would do, or simply wait for the day when she will be forced to complete her morning preparations in pitch darkness.

(Couldn’t dream of a better outcome...)

Certain that opting out for the top priority appears to be the most sensible solution in her position, she steps under the shower, letting the hot water cascade down her back, skin flushing due to the temperature. The heat itself elicits a relieved moan from her throat as the tension begins to evaporate from her body – parallel to the steam sprawling on the glass – tingling with the newfound excitement, apparently enhanced by the growing warmth. Perfectly aware there is neither a decent mood nor enough time to search for any relief, she ends up uttering a frustrated huff, while painting her front with the liquid soap, soon to stream down to the drain.

Having accomplished what must have been the quickest shower she has ever had, she only manages to put on more or less randomly picked up clothes, before the morning lull is sliced by the ringing doorbell that almost forces a fearful shriek from the broody woman. With a few hurried steps through the living area, she unlocks the door, confronted by the sight of virtual impatience, anticipating her presence since the earliest hours of dawn – posh dweller of equally polished suit – along with the flawless composure that evokes this peculiar insecurity in reference to the personal choice of clothing, seemingly not appropriate for such occasion.

Intimidating to say the least.

“Hi,” she greets him with a welcoming smile either way, gaze altering between his face and the ink peeking from the collar of his shirt, evoking the newfound curiosity about the whole concept, hidden beneath the fabric.

“Hello again,” he reciprocates as the corners his lips twist into what must be the so-called smug smirk, features visibly lightening. “May I come in?”

“Sure,” she snaps out of the trance, failing to conceal the nervous giggle adorning her affirmative response, caught hand in a cookie jar.

(Ah yes, the dovey one.)

Which is yet another subconscious mind’s assumption, although he believes that tendency to evaluate any given situation on the go appears to be linked with age, or more specifically – gaining general knowledge over the human dwellers and their behaviors. Therefore, in order to enhance the efficiency, one obtains the ugly habit of premature judgment, openly loathed by majority of population and yet dealt with from the hand of few, which in turn leads him to a rather inconvenient truth – one day, there will come the time when he trips and smashes his nose on the floor – metaphor adorned in pain less bearable than in a physical case.

(Been ‘round the block a few times.)

Nevertheless, the petite girl steps aside, allowing him to pass the threshold, further on perch upon the sofa and snatch the flat screen from his bag.

“Back to business…” he initiates, motioning her with a suggestive eye tilt, icy irises that bore into her soul, such a cooling contrast for her synthetic hue, enough to send an uncomfortable shiver down her spine.

“Don’t you want something to drink?” She gulps, gaze adverting to the side, unable to bear its intensity, right before she plops down onto the couch, brushing his knee by accident – plain contact that almost has her jolting away to the side.

(Get a fucking grip.)

“I’m good for now,” he rejects the proposition, just to witness her frown slightly in response. “There’ll be plenty of time for that later.”

“I’ve disrupted your schedule, haven’t I?” She ascertains, seemingly more preoccupied with tucking one of her feet under the pleasantly warm thigh than maintaining eye contact, which irks him up more than he cares to admit; not a good sign to be honest.

“Pretty much yes, unless we hurry up, of course,” without letting her speak, he carries on with the beyond obvious explanations. “Anyway, here’s the contract that I need to sign if you’re willing to continue, which I think is polished by now, so let’s just cut to the chase, shall we?”

“Sure,” she accepts the offered device, flinching as their fingers brush, cold like ice. Clueless when it comes to what is happening to her, or more importantly – why he has such potent influence over the outgoing woman, at least until now, eliciting the most unusual reactions, the shameful shyness for instance.

“You can’t be this tense if you want to make this arrangement work,” he states, apparently out of nowhere, leaning towards the coffee table, weight braced on the elbows.

“Excuse me?” She frowns, with the metallic stylus in her hand, now long forgotten, as she glares at him, not so caught-off-guard for a change.

“You’ve heard me,” he cocks a condescending eyebrow at her, and if not for the blinking she would suspect he is not a human after all.

(Do androids blink?)

“Stating that won’t make any difference,” she huffs, peaceful façade seared by the gradually developing irritation.

“Care to elaborate?” He nags further, as if already capable of naming all her weak spots, thanks to his long-term professionalism in such domain.

“There’s no shift in the attitude,” she clarifies, noting the fact as if it was an absolute truth, suited for this and every other occasion in the future, greater than all the celestial beings, even if combined together.

“Would not pointing it out make any difference then?” He retorts, not expecting to hear a verbal answer this time, instead filled with the telltale silence. “See? Told you so.”

“That’s not what I meant,” she counters, shaking her head in denial, hand mirroring the rushed movements.

“So what did you mean for a change?”

“I meant that pointing this out usually enhances the tension,” she explains, glancing briefly at the thin piece of metal clutched tight in her hand – a realization casted upon the woman.

“I believe it’s still worth the effort,” he shrugs, infuriatingly careless now that he has won, at least according to his suppositions.

“Why are we even discussing this?” She sighs, as if utterly exhausted by the teasing debate, and so willing to wind it up with the simple scrape over the screen. “Just let me sign the contract.”

“Go on, no one’s stopping you,” he flicks his wrist in an affirmative gesture, encouraging her to pursue. “I’d even dare to say right the opposite,” oh, so now he would play the smart guy, how delightful, she thinks, and yet responds immediately, topping up said contract with a flourishing signature, quick to hand it back to him. “Thank you. And by the way, you have an interview scheduled for tomorrow, just so you wouldn’t forget.”

“Thanks, I appreciate it,” she flashes him a replacement for a proper smile, just to witness the male respond with a parallel gesture, and before she knows it, he is back on his feet again, towering over her figure, and so prompting to follow his traces.

“It’s just my job, no hard feelings.”

No hard feelings.

(Easier said than done.)

* * *

Past.

Easily associated with safety, blissful awareness granted by the reliability of bygone memories, a place where one is willing to return to in times of unspoken restlessness, and so dive into the flowery reminiscence – beloved escape. However, at some point in one’s life an unspecified hand flips the switch, allowing to see the sheer absurdity, which in turn leads to a purifying realization – the past is not enough anymore, and so a different, more potent stimulant is required.

Her best friend would probably label it as ‘yet another mistake’, worse than falling for Cara, nevertheless she cannot help herself, knowing that one way or another she will be forced to release some steam, to transfer the concoction of feelings into work – a song, sublime and powerful, carrying an amaranthine meaning. Losing herself in the complexity of the world she has gotten to inhabit – borne against her will, such a cruel law – seems so effortless in comparison to the sheer burdens of existence, paired with the average life expectancy and the endless predictions of elongation, justifying it as yet another whim of humanity.

(Even rhymes with immortality, what a coincidence.)

Why would anyone even crave something so insane – eternality – unaware of the real meaning hidden behind these ten letters, bound by the long-gone linguist – extinct specie? Expression of their thoughtlessness? Might as well be.

At this point it appears as quite tough to specify, her mind delving into far too many places at once, incapable of maintaining the indispensable concentration with Nova running through her bloodstream, retreating the human ability to focus on a single factor. As the reality begins to fade away, various background noises dull into one unpleasant screech, inseparable, her ears ringing as the first wave rocks through her body, a vague pat on the back, followed by the tingling sensation of a relatively cool hand tracing her spine. While a minuscule part of her loathes the feeling of metallic digits dancing over the heated flesh, the more influential one is flying sky too high to care, remaining still in that one inconvenient pose, leaning towards the shiny table.

“Exciting, isn’t it?” His hand slides further down her back, playing with the hem of the low-cut dress she has opted for today, its silvery hue reflecting the colorful lights. “What do you say, sweets?”

“Mhm, yes… exciting… exciting it is,” she barely formulates the affirmation, her brain clinging to the established choice of words, out of capacity to exchange it for anything more intricate. “But I think I gotta… I think I… I gotta go I think.”

“So soon?” He questions, both eyebrows risen in feigned disbelief, chrome digits dipping underneath the fabric only to find the silky strap in process, stimulating enough to occupy his carnal interests for a brief moment.

“I’ve paid you… I’m sure I have…” she mumbles, involuntarily jerking away from the touch, muscles twitching as an innate response to the unwanted contact, lost in between her attempts to complete the sentence, “for the pills, I mean.”

“Well, yes, that’s correct, you have,” he agrees, albeit immediate to clarify, “but I’d like something more from you.”

“What?” She frown in confusion, eyes staring into the distance, blurred outlines of dancers rushing through her mind, hips swaying to the beat. “No, I… take me home… please.”

“Maybe later, ‘kay?” He proposes, still patient, fingers stroking the smooth skin in an attempt to soothe the confused female.

“No… I wanna…” she counters, one final time, although enough to crack his resolve, hand abandoning its previous track, leaving only the fleeting remains of proper touch on the heated skin.

“Quit whining and get up,” he huffs, audibly irritated, and she cannot help but wonder about the causes, random associations blending into one shapeless pulp – concoction of equally indistinguishable elements.

“No!” She squeals, a little louder this time, as a stab of pain shoots through her arm, almost yanked out of its socket, at least according to her perception, attracting attention of a passing female, although definitely short-lived, soon to mingle in the crowd.

Because who cares?

“You. Are. Coming with me,” he punctuates the words, delivering another harsh tug, intent to force her to move. “Whether you want to or not.”

Unable to verbalize the evident objections, let alone break away from his iron grasp, she can only follow his traces, while trying oh so desperately to figure out what is happening around her, cling onto at least one given stimulus. Her vision is blurry, blinded by the neon lights, as if her eyes were tearing, but at the same time she doubts she has ever felt that helpless, that fearful, emotions running all over the place, full of contradictions, frenzied and delirious.

Searching for physical support, she leans in to his frame as soon as the man stands still, but due to the black spots staining her perception, she can barely make out where they are, especially with her head is spinning like crazy. Before she knows it, his arms encircle her waist, preventing the young and oh so promising musician from a disastrous rendezvous with equally unforgiving floor, much to his exasperation.

Overall, the plan has been a little different, certainly not featuring the scenario in which she passes out, another unconscious body to take care of, whist also ‘unfuckable’ in such state. Therefore, the most he can do for the woman is to dump her by the corridor wall, as befits the ‘immature dickhead’, certain that no one would attempt to link her with him, at least according to the general numbness in the so-called ‘world full of cruelty’ and the glorious lack of interest in dealing with minor crimes.

Morality?

Shattered?

(And what else?)

* * *

The first time she experienced something like this was approximately about sixteen years ago, give or take, although she prefers to keep such stories to herself, since people tend to label it as rather dubious and the last renown she aims for is ‘untrustworthy’. Nonetheless, it all appears to be rather simple – high fever tends to retreat distant and prompting visions, mainly associated with sensory memory, aspects that are supposed to remain out of reach, and yet linger somewhere in the back of one’s mind. Take for instance the sensation of being rocked to sleep in mother’s arms, deprived of any distinctive images, just the monotonous lull and mere hum of her silvery voice, singing some nonsensical song, its lyrics undistinguishable by now.

Ergo, for a brief moment, yet to collide with reality, she is convinced that she has forgotten to swallow the necessary medicaments due to her ailing state, evident in the disastrous headache, possibly linked with abnormal temperature, and mind drifting towards obscure dimensions once again. Before she gets a chance to familiarize with the newfound vision, it is disrupted by a harsh jerk, so unlike her parents’ manners, forcing both eyes open and so greeting the woman with a sight she is not braced for yet – a guy, recognized as a bartender, shaking her awake, not Carlos who might as well be long gone by now.

“Gia?” He frowns, visibly puzzled, both hands resting on her shoulders, warmth atop icy skin, sending a pleasant wave of heat through her half-conscious body.

Unable to grant any sensible answer, she blinks a couple of times, trying to adjust to the neon lights, with her vision still a little blurry, before she actually manages to formulate a proper response, voice croaky, as if not hers at all. “What’s going on?”

“I could’ve ask you the same,” he reciprocates, audibly annoyed, hands now abandoning their previous spot upon her shoulders on behalf of a more convenient squatting position.

“I don’t remember much,” she admits, clenched fists rising to rub her eyes in hopes it will somehow bring her back to the land of living.

“You did it again, didn’t you?” He huffs, accusation evident in his voice, or maybe it is just fatigue, disappointment with her countless predicaments, not that he is the only one.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she shrugs, the least talented liar ever born, beyond embarrassing to pursue.

“Whatever Gia, I don’t give a shit,” he sighs, utterly defeated. “And I’m resigning from babysitting you tonight. Work schedule, you know.”

“I-”

“No time for that,” he interrupts, remains of the so-called empathy long gone by now, granting the blossoming irritation with essential space. “Someone’s gotta drag your ass from here, I mean the club, and take you home.”

“I can’t stay here?” She frowns, disappointed with the unfortunate turn of events.

“What?” He laughs in disbelief, a mocking tingle that enhances all negative emotions disrupting the guilty songbird. “Of course not, it’s a club, not drunk tank.”

“But-”

“Just find someone who can take you out,” he instructs, glancing at the door, hoping the manager has not noticed his absence by now. “And tell him it’s fucking urgent.”

“Okay,” she agrees, displeased with his harsh approach, irritation evident within her voice. “Just give me some fucking space.”

“Sure, I gotta head back anyway,” he shrugs, careless all of sudden – feigned façade mastered over the years. “Can you stand up?”

“I don’t feel like checking it by myself,” she utters a nervous chuckle, hand already outstretched for the bartender, and who is he to leave her hanging like this, ever the gentleman. “Could you help me?”

“Sure,” he throws her a fleeting smile, and with a steady grasp on the woman’s arm, he hoists her up from the ground, knees seemingly too weak to hold the rest upright. However, the necessary support is granted by the wall, allowing the female to brace her weight on the forearms and press the forehead to the concrete structure as a potent wave of dizziness rocks through her fatigued body.

“Thanks,” she murmurs faintly, still in the process of dealing with the unpleasant aftermath of earlier decisions, and so dangerously close to throwing up on the polished floor.

“It’s nothing, Gia, really,” he assures, his mind already circling back to work-related issues. “Just get your sorry ass outta here.”

“Sure,” she huffs, rolling her eyes in an almost theatrical manner, as if to ensure he gets the message with plenty of reserve. “Have fun.”

“Yeah, you too.”

And with that careless response, he walks away, hasty steps echoing in the corridor, soon to disappear around the corner, and so leave the hall altogether. Finally deprived of any company, she fishes out the phone from the depths of her purse, and calls the only person she can think of in such circumstances – Connor, or Connie, since the choice is apparently not his to make. At this point she is practically trembling with that peculiar concoction of excitement and exhilaration, fingers crossed he will pick up at such late hour, since wishing for anything else seems like a childish exaggeration now.

“You better have damn good reasons for calling me in the middle of the fucking night,” ever the most talented in the field of pleasant conversations, he opts for greeting her with such expression, voice rough with sleep, sending a shiver down her spine.

“So I got into some trouble tonight and-”

“Just cut to the chase,” he barks out a blunt order, his patience running low in the face of increasing exasperation. “I don’t have energy to listen to some background bullshit.”

“I need you to take me home from Interstellar,” she states, having decided that to keep it simple means to succeed, rather than to bestow him with countless euphemisms, supposing it would justify her irresponsible behavior.

Right?

“Excuse me?” He chuckles in disbelief, a mocking laughter that almost has her snapping at him – the most immature reaction she could ever imagine. “Seems like you might’ve mistaken me for your fucking chauffer, who I’m not by any means, so thank you for such divine opportunity but I think I’ll pass.”

“Why are you always acting like a fucking dickhead?” She sighs, voice smaller than she would like it to be, as the day-long fatigue settles into her bones, which combined with the unpleasant tone nearly has her bursting in tears.

“And why are you always getting personal?” He jeers, a crude remark to stab her right in the chest, and so discourage to pursue. “It’s just work, nothing else, and the sooner you learn it, the better for you, ‘cause I’m not hired to deal with your non-career issues.”

“It might become a career issue if someone finds me here,” she reciprocates, betrayed by the not-so-subtle hint of desperation lacing her voice, shaky at the end.

“Tryna out-talk me?” He chuckles bitterly, his head lulling slightly to the side in her mind’s eyes – a mannerism she has grown accustom with during those few weeks. “C’mon, don’t be ridiculous.”

“No, I just wanna go home,” she tries once again, now actually on the blink of tears. “Please.”

“Pathetic,” she hears him spat on the other side of the line, probably not meant to reach her ears, but it does either way, forcing Gia to suppress the choked sob threatening to escape her constricted throat. “No, just no. I’m not doing shit for you. You’re a fucking adult, so I think you’ll find your way outta here.”

“But-”

“No, enough of that,” he interrupts, annoyance evident in his voice. “It was nice talking to you, but I’m going back to sleep now. Have fun.”

“Don’t hang up, please…”

Oh right.

Douchebag.

Fighting the urge to cry out in exasperation, she dials his number once again, dangerously close to chanting an actual lucky prayer, nevertheless determined to make him comply for a change, since in this case hope indeed appears to be the mother of fools.

Ironic.

“The fuck you’re calling me again?” He barks out, absolutely furious.

“Will you come? Please,” she sobs, finally letting the tears stream down the sides of her face, way past her breaking point now. “I don’t wanna stay here. It’s so cold, and I’m so tired.”

“You won’t let it slide, will you?” He sighs, a realization casted upon the man for a change.

“No,” she sniffs, wiping her eyes with the free hand, black dust from the so-called ‘waterproof’ mascara coating her fingers. “They’ll throw me out elsewise.”

Nothing.

(Silence speaks a thousand words.)

“Connie?”

“Fucking fine,” he gives up after a longer pause, seemingly ready to consent to her wish. “Just stay right where you are until I get there. We’ll meet by the main entrance as soon as I text you, ‘kay?”

“Okay,” she gulps, trying to conceal the exited squeal threatening to slip past her lips as a result of his approval.

“Very well. See you.”

“Connie?” She calls out one more time, voice laced with distinctive hesitation.

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

“Sure, no big deal.”

And with that he hangs up, on one hand leaving her with a bitter-sweet wish they would chat a little longer, while on the other she is well aware it would be simply nonsensical, lingering somewhere in the back of her mind. Once again deprived of the craved-for company, the sensory aspects hit the woman with full force, the pounding ache of her own body, betraying in the midst of crisis, arms encircling her trembling frame in order to deliver at least a mere illusion of being held by someone.

(Connie?)

(Ha! You wish!)

(He doesn’t even like that nickname… the fuck is wrong with me?)

Unable to keep herself upright, she plops down onto the cold floor, with the bottom part of her dress hiking up, and so exposing the legs to icy air which, enhanced by the fatigue, has her trembling on the ground. In hopes it will somehow allow to maintain the essential warmth, she curls into a ball, resting her forehead on the bent knees, eyelids shutting on their own, which in turn bestows her with odd solitude, even though there is no possibility she would drift to sleep in such circumstances with her body trembling like a leaf in the autumn breeze.

Minutes upon minutes, she is gradually beginning to lose the track of time, not daring to glance at the clock even once, surprisingly patient for a change, maybe in the face of feasible fulfillment. And yet, despite the aforementioned calmness, she almost jumps out of her skin as soon as she feels the phone vibrating in her hand, not wasting any time to check the incoming message.

“I’m here,” it reads, which puts a relieved smile on her face, and so she is rather quick to stuff the device back into her purse, then get up with a renewed vigor, walls granting the necessary support.

Pushing the heavy door open, she walks out to the guests’ zone, greeted with all its splendid virtues: loud music and insufferable crowd, which prompts her to circle the dancefloor and so avoid the troublesome encounters. Lucky to get past without any of that, she steps through the reception area, soon to make her way out of the club altogether, cool evening breeze palpable on her face, sweeping the bangs away from her forehead.

Nevertheless, with more pressing matters occupying her mind, Gia is immediate to spot him, leaning by the side of his car – such an unusual sight to behold, without one of his beloved suits, exchanged for the benefit of more casual attire. She blinks a couple of times, as if to ascertain he was not mistaken for another man, having assumed he would be the only person waiting outside, and to be honest she cannot conceal the relieved sigh slipping past her lips as a response to the inviting gesture – a graceful flick of his wrist.

“You look absolutely miserable,” he notes, and even in face of the gruff greeting she almost fails to restrain from hugging the coarse man as a thank-you gift. “C’mere.”

“I owe you,” she declares, a steady exclamation until disturbed by his hands gripping her arms, leaving the woman confused for a moment.

“Yes, you do,” he agrees, frowning as she reciprocates the gesture, lithe fingers wrapping around his biceps; and hell, it is just to prevent her from hitting the pavement, not indicate anything sexual. Why does she have to read every message wrong? “Now get in the car.”

“There’s no need to be unpleasant,” she huffs, visibly annoyed, and so seriously considering the break-away from his not-so-loving grasp.

“I’m being practical not unpleasant,” he rolls his eyes in response, blatant and unashamed, choosing to release her this time, intent to open the door for his female associate, “since I don’t think you’d like to experience yet another encounter with a ground of any kind.”

“Sure, thanks,” she reciprocates, cold as ice – terribly feigned façade, although immediate to get in the car, letting him shut the door for her, then ride away in what seems like a blink for her limited perception.

At least according to what she keeps telling herself.

(Liar.)

* * *

“I’ve left you a glass of water on the bedside table, ‘kay?” He throws a brief glance at her figure lounging on the bed, now clad in a monochromatic tee, suppressing the urge to linger on the exposed skin for a little longer.

It is always hunting him, the flesh.

“Tell me you understand.”

“Yes,” she mutters, voice muffled by the pillows, not caring to throw him a merest glimpse.

“Yes what?”

“Yes, you’ve left me a glass of water on the bedside table,” she complies, as if fed up with his never-ending requests oscillating around definite responses, ever the hypocrite.

“Very well,” seemingly pleased with her response, his lips twist in what must be a ghost of a proper smile, although the following words fail to satiate the prominent craving, much to her displeasure. “So sleep tight and make sure you call me as soon as you wake up.”

“Connie?” She calls almost at the spot, having decided to take the matter in her own hands this time, afraid that if he gets up, nothing will be enough to stop him from leaving altogether.

“Connor,” he corrects, voice laced with an audible hint of annoyance.

“Doesn’t matter,” she dismisses, while urging her body up on the elbows to look at him properly for a change, at least according to the etiquette of any decent conversation. “Stay with me tonight?”

“I don’t think so,” he counters, cold as ice once again – a notion enhanced by the neon lights casting shadows on his sharp features.

“Why?”

“’Cause I’ve driven your sorry ass home which is enough of selflessness from me for the following month,” he spats bitterly, intent to rise from his spot on the couch and walk out of the door, leaving her hanging, as if it was the most convenient solution ever imagined.

“Why do you have to be such an ass?” She huffs, disappointed once again – an impression she has learned to associate with him on the course of their encounters, and yet never failing to disturb her, even if only in the emotional sense.

(Helps me to keep the distance.)

“Nothing personal,” he claims instead, not even blinking as the words slip past his lips. “I’ve got errands to run tomorrow.”

“I don’t believe you,” she confronts, now seated properly with her back supported by the wall, as if to grant the superior position in their flimsy quarrel.

“Well, you don’t have to,” he reciprocates, infuriatingly calm all of sudden, shoulders shrugging at her furious expression.

(So easy to rile up sometimes…)

“I-”

“What?” He snaps, head twisting in her direction, eyes meeting with a metaphorical shot of electricity through her body.

“Is it so hard to understand? The fact that I don’t wanna be alone tonight?” She sighs, now in genuine doubt whether he is a human after all, which might as well be linked with the flawed perception, based on her own attitude – blemished. “You know, it’s just… today’s been so messed up and I just… I don’t know...”

“Got anything to confess?” He cocks an inquisitive eyebrow at her, as if attempting to conceal the previous irritation with some careless swagger.

“I don’t remember much, but I have a feeling that something bad has happened to me,” she begins, having decided to choose her words carefully, since indicating that she is yet another pathetic junkie is the last direction she is aiming towards.

“Like what?”

“I don’t know, really,” she refuses to cooperate, instead gets up from the bed and takes those few steps towards the couch to plop down beside him, shortly before resuming with her undefined explanation. “I’m aware of what I was doing throughout the day, but the evening memories are all vague, are… um… all fuzzy, and honestly I have no idea what to think about this.”

“Wanna talk about it?” He questions, seemingly relaxed, if not for the corner of his lip tilting in an unnerving way, proving that said proposal carries some hidden meaning as well.

“Yes,” she nods, since playing by his rules appears to lay beyond the realm of conscious control for now, no idea why.

(Sure.)

(Is that his voice? The fuck is wrong with me?)

“So tell me the truth.”

Speak of the devil.

“It wasn’t all a lie,” she scoffs, and yet cannot help but advert her gaze to the side, focusing on the small reddish stain decorating the coach cushion, wine presumably.

“Sure,” he hums in agreement, soaked in bitter irony, although pleased with the confirmation of his little theory. “But I wanna hear a genuine story this time, or none at all. Is that clear?”

“Crystal,” she affirms with a telltale burning upon her cheeks that appear to disrupt the defined vision of proper explanation. “So, I wasn’t alone at the Interstellar, I was with someone…”

“With whom exactly?”

“Doesn’t matter,” she refuses once again, shaking her head, as if more to clear out the mind before the key explanation than emphasize the earlier words. “The thing is, he gave me one of those pills he had, and I took it, so that’s why I don’t remember shit.”

“Well, that I’ve already figured out myself,” never the one to disappoint, am I right? “So where’s the catch?”

“I think I’ve made a mistake… I mean doing something like that in his company is a mistake itself, but… I don’t know… I feel so messed up,” she rubs a single hand across her face, hoping it will somehow soothe her, but nothing like this happens, so instead she slips it in his, searching for physical support – a gesture that catches him off guard for a brief moment. His flesh is cool to touch, most of it covered in some bizarre ornaments, black upon white – pale skin that looks almost eerie underneath the neon lights – her gaze following the pattern up his arm, until their eyes lock once again – tangerine and steel.

“It’s fine, I get it,” he affirms with a subtle smile, squeezing her hand in a skillful manner, enough to fulfill said wish without causing unnecessary discomfort.

“That was the first time something like this happened to me though,” she confess, throwing their linked limbs a brief glance, as if to ascertain he is still there, like in flesh and bones, not a passerby from a parallel reality. “It freaked me out.”

“No wonder it did,” he concludes. “Losing control can be one of the worst nightmares.”

“Tell me about it,” she huffs, rolling her eyes – a gesture to top the sarcastic remark with. “I don’t get it. Even though I’m aware of the consequences, I keep making the same mistakes over and over again… Hell, I’m so happy I have an opportunity to die.”

“Now you’re being dramatic,” he chuckles – not the exact reaction she intended to gain from him, but that will have to do for now.

“Aren’t we all?” She cocks a challenging eyebrow at him, her eyes glistening with an ghost of amusement, rather unexpected in such circumstances, which is also a good sign to be honest, the fact he is able to elicit that kind of response from her.

“Sure.”

“Thanks for listening though,” she ignores the little hypocritical attempt, indicating the blatant disagreement.

“Anytime Gia, anytime,” he bestows the woman with a smile for a change, even if fleeting – odd beauty to it all.

As her focus drifts towards the places of unknown, with the pensive silence settling over them, she fails to notice the subtle shift of his position, until their intertwined hands rest on her thigh, eliciting an embarrassingly audible gasp from the female, knuckles teasing the tender flesh as his tendons flex, supposing to prevent the nerves from getting numb.

“What are you expecting from this situation?” He interjects, his gaze focused solely on hers with intensity that has the female almost backing away – soul-drill to crack her attitude in two.

“Feelings are not to be verbalized,” she reciprocates, rolling her eyes at the inappropriate question, and yet opts for going out on a limb, since what goes around comes around, right? “And also, I think there’re more pressing matters to clarify anyway.”

“Such as?” He turns towards her, and now that Gia has his undividable attention, she is ready to put her inconsistent plan into notion.

“Ever wondered what would it be like… to kiss me?”

An exclamation that has him laughing out loud this time – such an unusual occurrence, although not the best sign to be honest – and yet she can work with that, glaring at him once the sound dulls down. With amused glimmers dancing behind his gaze, he appears to be studying her expression, as if in an attempt to read his songbird like an open book he would like her to be, at least for him, and yet, aside from the blatant desire for attention, the rest is buried somewhere deep, deep down, safe from his prying curiosity.

How infuriating.

Nevertheless, he is well aware what to do to gain the essential answer – break the not-so-stern rule, temptation in its purest form, granting the special privilege of seeing her gasp in shock, feign indifference just to throw herself in his arms as soon as an opportunity presents itself.

Sublime. Sadistic. Selfish.

Simply what he needs right now.

“To kiss you? No…” he draws on the syllable – a purring baritone that catches her off guard for a brief moment – not even supposing he is capable of making such sounds. “But to fuck you… now that’s a whole different story…”

(What the hell?)

“But we can just kiss if you prefer the PG-13 version,” he cocks a challenging eyebrow at her, and she takes the bait, all to his pleasure as far as it matches the plan, crafted on the go.

“I don’t-”

“No need to lie to me, Gia,” he interrupts, leaning slightly towards her, just enough to brush her chest, breath palpable on the exposed neck, prickling her skin with goosebumps. “Tell me, what is it that you desire?”

“Right now? For you to kiss me,” she gulps, failing to pursuit with the seductive tone, muscles twitching as she feels his arm snaking around her waist, still hoping she would maintain the confidence throughout the act.

(With him touching you like that? Sure.)

“A bit boring but if that’s what you want…” he chuckles, breath flaring through her hair, quick to catch the woman off guard again by yanking her onto his lap, one thigh pressed in between her legs.

“You’re such a dick,” she gasps at the unexpected contact, her insides coiling in anticipation to satiate whatever ache has been blossoming inside the artiste the moment he laid his eyes upon her.

“Sure, whatever,” he hums, careless as ever, tickling the side of her neck with feather-like kisses, barely present, like wind whispering patterns on her skin, ready to fly away and forget as the scent of his cologne engulfs her senses. Some twisted part of her wants to witness him break first, give in to the temptation, with dilated pupils and disheveled hair, rake his fingers through the strands, but nothing like this happens. Instead, he keeps teasing her with the gentle touches, tips of his fingers tracing the hollow of her spine, up to the point where she cannot take it anymore – the merciless tormentor – and tilts his head to the side, crashing their lips together.

(So it is on.)

With his arms around her body, he gains the essential motion range, ability to maneuver her upon his lap and of course guide the kiss, but since their plans seem to differ, she attempts to squirm out of the grasp – a matter he is quick to rectify with a harsh nip upon her bottom lip, drawing a surprised squeal from the woman. Even though she is already past the point of wondering whether he would be gentle, whether he would treat her like the finest china or just another frivolous chippie, she has not expected such straightforward approach, at least not from the very beginning, since that is what all the previous partners accustomed her with – the cautious build up leading to more ardent acts, while he appears to be toying with both contradictories, leaving her in anticipation for more.

(Fucking douchebag.)

With Gia gliding through her thoughts, he opts for seizing the opportunity now that her mouth is agape, seemingly beyond realization yet, and sweeps his tongue over her bottom lip, relishing in the tremor that runs down her spine as a response to the caress, palpable underneath his hands. Right when she expects him to dive straight into it, he breaks away, eliciting a disappointed whimper from the singer, a whimper that has him twitching in the confinement of his pants like some immature teenager, intent to switch to her neck and mark the flawless canvass – now simply pale and pure. As if put on repeat, she mimics the earlier sound – a response to the harsh suck �� leaning backwards, expecting him to continue the established path further down, and yet he is back at the face level within a matter of seconds, having stained her flesh with a purplish bruise.

“I do mind that a bit, you know,” she huffs, feigning annoyance, even if only in a partial sense, unable to ignore the rapid pulsing of violated skin, akin to a sisterly heart drumming just underneath the surface.

“Didn’t see you complaining earlier,” he hums against her lips, planting a lingering kiss on the plump pout. “If I were in your shoes I’d be happy to have something to eye in the mirror when the lover boy is gone. Which, by the way, reminds me that I gotta be going, now that I’ve clearly overused your hospitality.”

(Like flipping a switch.)

“You gotta what?” She frowns in confusion, squealing in surprise as he slides her off his lap, leaving the female perched on the sofa, beyond agitated.

“Sleep tight and remember to call me in the morning.”

And with that he is gone, slipping through the door like a desert dust carried with the wind, its remains inhabiting every space imaginable, forgotten to be swiped away even while cleaning; since he would be damned if he allowed some brat to flash him her bits, get him all riled up just to back out in the end with whatever pathetic excuse she manages to make up on the go.

So instead he prefers the prevention strategy.

Leave her hanging.

Desperate for any kind of attention.

As for the clever, cunning.

Sadist.

* * *

It is safe to assume that getting used to the thought of her and Connor together took the young singer a fair amount of time, and not only that. What else was required to accomplish such inhuman target must have been the so-called emotional tranquility, not her most spectacular forte to be honest, and furthermore accepting the fact that he wants something more from her, whatever that something is.

The very thing that destroys her?

Might as well be, not that it would surprise Gia, considering her ever-present knack for involving in presumably not the most beneficial relationships, just for the sake of illusionary intimacy justified by equally tentative trust, the need to keep people close, lend them a helping hand in hope they will reciprocate someday. To contribute but never to be rewarded, at least with the desired amount of compassion, always judged through the prism of her performance, the outer surface – tissue-thin epidermis – deprived of human curiosity to dip millimeters underneath, and so discover what else she is willing to offer, beyond the carnal realm.

Cruelty of the

Arbitrary

Resolution.

And yet, she cannot stop thinking about him, imagining how his steps would echo in the corridor leading to her flat, how his hand would rise to press the button, how his feet would tap the ground while waiting for her to meet him by the entrance, far more preoccupying than she would like it to be. Tethering on the edge between two parallel dimensions – corporeality and conceptuality – she barely notices the slicing sound, tearing up the multi-level reverie into a bunch of useless pieces – a ring reverberating in the air.

“Fuck,” she curses, startled by the way too real noise, almost tripping, as she shoots up from the couch, rushing to open the door. She is greeted with the oh so unexpected sight of the ‘lover boy’ – display of vibrant confidence, obscuring the hint of impatience that must be lurking just beneath the surface, once again without any of his posh suits, although not lacking essential elegance, having opted for simple black pants and matching shirt, keeping the top buttons undone, certain she would notice. As per his earlier assumption, her eyes linger on the exposed flesh, also marked by the ink, evoking the wonder about how far it actually reaches, which in turn leads to the much more risqué concept – the fact that tonight she is meant to clarify all doubts.

(Fuck.)

“Ever bother to check the visual?” He leans against the doorway, clearly waiting for any invitation, cocking an inquisitive eyebrow at her – an indication she catches sooner than later, allowing him to step inside, and shut the door. “Or is it the perspective of seeing me that distracts you so much?”

“Don’t flatter yourself,” she throws over her shoulder – feigned carelessness – as she follows him to the living area, frowning when he perches atop the mattress instead.

“And depend on random compliments?” He chuckles, fingers stroking the silky sheets, as if to approve their law of existence as a part of her bedding. “I think I’ll pass.”

“Sure you will,” she rolls her eyes, nevertheless allows him to pull her onto the plush surface, their knees bumping as she settles down beside the man.

“What a clever girl you are, truly astounding,” he purrs – the exact same tone he used just a few days ago, and yet so much different – fresh and bold, evoking the insatiable desire for more. “Which reminds me that I’ve brought some wine for us.”

“I’m more of a Tequila girl to be honest,” she bestows him a fleeting smile, thrown off guard by the brush of his fingers upon the exposed thigh, now that her dress has ridden up a little, nevertheless quick to return on the abandoned track of thoughts, “but wine is a classic, so I appreciate it.”

“Sure, Sundance,” he teases, tickling her skin with feather-like strokes – another call-back to their last encounter – although this time her muscles quiver as he skims the golden ring adorning her shapely leg.

“So do you want to drink it now, or-”

“Why the nerves?” He frown, in time with the touch-deprivation, placing the aforementioned bottle by the foot of her bed with a soft click – unsettling since terminal, at least according to personal perception – supreme deceiver. “It’s not like I’ve came here to hurt your or something.”

“Yeah, I know,” she nods, reaching out for his hand to thread their fingers together. “But you’re just something… something new to me, and I have no idea what to expect, that’s all.”

“Oh honey,” he smirks, eyes glinting with a lingering promise that leaves her determined to uncover the truth behind his intents, “you’re gonna love this, I promise.”

“Guess I’ll have to take your word for that then,” she shrugs, allowing him to pull her onto his lap once again, calves on either sides of his thighs for a change.

“Guess you’ll have to.”

And with that, their lips collide, sucking a breath from her lungs, and so shaping up the focus – tunnel vision, disability to judge the situation through the prism of a bigger picture, especially when his hand reaches the zipper of her dress, soon to drag it down, exposing the pale flesh to relatively warm air. In spite of that, her skin prickles with goosebumps, failing to contain a violent shiver, as his fingers explore the area in sync with the sensual dance that is their kiss – awakening of the burdened desire, prompt to shove him down, check whether he would crack in response – such an absurd idea, downward foolish, although that she is yet to realize, all in due course.

Puzzled with the sudden shift in her attitude, he peers up to the woman, forehead marked by a frown of confusion, until his gaze follows a path further south, halting once it reaches the disarranged cleavage, tops of her breasts peeking through the fabric. As if with a mind of its own, his hand reaches out to tease the feminine curve, eliciting a gasp from his not-so-stern partner, leaning towards his touch – fleeting scrape of butterfly’s wings upon the heated flesh, meant to enhance the inborn craving for more.

“C’mere,” he purrs, low baritone that sends a vibrant buzz straight to her core, and yet she hesitates to comply, tethering on the pinnacle between elongating the mild, although undoubtedly pleasant, experience and succumbing to the whispering prompts of her instinct, too caught up in the trance to deny the subconscious responses delivered by her body.

Seemingly unable to defer anymore, she leans in to him, sighing as he cups the perky globe in one hand, teasing the protruding nipple with the pads of his fingers, until she gasps his name – a single word, yet potent enough to cloud his eyes with a resemblance of lust, mirroring the fiery hue of her own irises. With the self-control aspect casted aside, she allows him to pull down the fabric and so expose the upper half of her body that he appears to be quite fond of at this point, attempting to ignore both the burning gaze upon bare skin and the growing hardness in between her legs, applying pressure to the dampening folds.

Intimidating to say the least, considering it has been a while since she was placed under such circumstances – a penis owner in her very own bed, grazing the lacy cloth with barely palpable shifts. In the midst of honesty she is ready to admit that the concept of stuffing a rigid member inside has always filled her with some odd kind of nervousness, disgust maybe – determinant of established preference, leaning more to the opposite option.

Even so, she has found herself attracted to the Connor almost at the spot, the exact moment his eyes landed on her figure by the doorway – initiation of the merest physical attraction, meant to blossom into something of entirely different nature, something that scares her more than she cares to admit. Furthermore, the last issue she needs to deal with is unrequired love, considering he is not the man who gives his heart away to each and every person he crosses paths with, unlike some people – hit for the metaphorical nail, precisely why she possesses so much hatred for him, at least a part of her does, while the other is drowning hopelessly, claiming she is a unique being, crafted for him like personal software.

With all that crap in mind, there is still the third aspect to it all – lust-laced craving, the carnal impulse that has her thighs fluttering in anticipation for what he is intent to deliver as his eyes bore into her – burning itch atop the exposed skin.

And that she is dying to find out.

“Mmm… fuck,” she moans, dumbfounded by the unusually intense sensation, rocking her hips to relieve the tension – subconscious response to the lack of direct stimulation – eliciting a throaty chuckle from the man below.

“So soon?” He teases, flinching as she presses closer to him, radiating with natural heat that has him twitching in some animalistic need to dive straight to the main business, even if for a split second. “How about a little variety first?”

“What variety?” She frowns, the movements of her hips halting as his hand abandons her breast, curious, or maybe just anxious, about his intensions.

“Ever been blindfolded?”

The question left to linger in the air for a split second, required for the artiste to comprehend its meaning, garnishing her cheeks with a reddish hue that laces his lips in yet another version of the so-called smug smirk, cocking an anticipatory eyebrow at the female. With her faced marked by the concoction of embarrassment and most importantly lust, she is no more no less a sight to behold, chewing at the corner of her lip in restless wonder – overthinking, burden of humanity. Even though it last for only a few seconds, he perceives it at least as a million

(what a surprising turn of events…),

yet maintains the essential patience to hear Gia’s response as his hands stroke her sides in some mindless form of caress, and so delay the decisive process, maybe without realization. What requires that brief struggle – point of discussion – is her return from the voluptuous trance, featuring the flash of seemingly every possible scenario, frenzied enough to appear as embarrassing, she shakes her head no – brisk denial – still leaving the matter pending.

“Wanna try it out tonight?” He proposes, to which she nods for a change, feverishly enough to fuel the cocky smirk upon his features – a concoction of lust and amusement. “Say it.”

“Yes, I wanna try out tonight,” she complies, without hesitation this time, as if he managed to strike some cord deep within, a cord that has her thighs twitching in search for the relief-granting friction.

(Fuck… that’s too much.)

“Very well then,” his gaze adverts to the side, indicating Gia to follow the established direction, settling once it reaches the flimsy gown hanging on the door of her wardrobe. “Give me that silky ribbon from your robe.”

Without further ado, she rises from the well-accustomed-with spot, and with a few, rather wobbly, steps, snatches the aforementioned item from the hanger, quick to pass it to him, indifferent whether it will reach its destination as smoothly as desired. In spite of that, he catches the belt with distinctive grace, twirling it in between his fingers for a brief moment, up to the point of fatal distraction – Gia discarding her dress to the side, allowing him to steal a glance of red lace covering the place of his interest, before she joins him on the bed, settled upon his lap once again.

“Now close your eyes,” he instructs, failing to conceal the breathy note marring the flawlessly composed voice – a nuance that appears to slip past her attention, without a doubt on his benefit, excited to follow his request, shivering at the first brush of silk over her skin, although not meant to relish the sensation for a longer while, since he is quick to tie it at the back of her head and so obscure the vision.

Pitch black.

“Lie down,” he bestows Gia with a concise order, having deprived her from the steady grip, hands now flying to grasp his shoulders, afraid to lose balance now that she is blind.

“How about a little help?” She huffs with a lingering hint of annoyance marring her voice, prominent enough to reach the picky ears of her paranoid manager. “I don’t fancy slamming my head in the wall, you know.”

“Don’t use that tone on me,” he snaps – an exclamation laced with a tethering promise, indicating that he is indeed a man of little tolerance to any form of misbehavior, which is not much of surprise to be honest, especially when considered through the prism of what she has witnessed him perform on the strictly professional ground.

“Or what?” She taunts, too blind, in the metaphorical sense of course, to realize how ridiculous she appears to him at the moment, pawing at his shoulders as the self-preservation instinct fully kicks in, working against her benefit, at least when it comes to narrow extension, yet to reach the verbal realm.

Which is exactly what elicits a mocking chuckle from the male, followed by an equally derisive comment, more than aware how to get under her skin. “Don’t tempt me, Sundance.”

“Like you wouldn’t want it,” she rolls her eyes, even though he is unable to see through the silky ribbon, letting out another vexed huff, cut short by the sudden flip that has her squealing in surprise, all against the conscious will. Some part of her finds such capacity rather unsettling, precisely how he can manhandle the dainty body in any desired position, while the other – dug out of the subliminal depth – relishes the sensation of physical submission, shivering in anticipation for more.

Luckily, that he is able to deliver, at least according to what she is hoping for, although the following action leaves her puzzled and most importantly alone on the mattress, almost prompting to remove the fabric in order to check why he has abandoned her. However, before she settles on any specific choice, she hears him rummaging through the bed drawer in search for hell knows what, and even though she is probably supposed to cut such liberties short, the woman remains still, well-aware of what he is looking for in there and yet caught in denial.

“If that’s what I think it is...” she begins, unable to conceal the subtle hint of trepidation within her voice, clearly excited to verify the inkling.

“What? This?” He pokes her in the side with the not-so-foreign object, buzzling to life in his palm, eliciting a shocked squeak from the female, much to his amusement. “Knew a lonely lady like you would have one.”

“I’m not-”

“Sure, Sundance,” he hums as if in some derisive form of agreement, lacking in pity but making up with condescension, now seated beside the partner, evident in the teasing brush of his pants’ fabric against her thigh. “But if you’re denying it so fiercely… then maybe I should stop?”

“No, I-”

“Just say it,” he prompts, tracing the golden ring encircling her thigh, which sends a resonating tingle all the way to her throbbing nipples. “Say that you want it, and it’ll be all yours.”

“I want you to touch me,” she states, feigning indifference, if not for the subtle hint of trepidation betraying her in the times of trial, which is no more no less than a hyperbole, but still – perception is delusive.

“Then beg,” he reciprocates, smirking as she twitches under his touch, subconsciously drawing her legs further apart – an instinctual invitation.

“But you said-”

“I know what I said,” he interrupts – a manner that elicits an audible huff from the dependent woman, supposed as a provocation, but at this point he is too amused to let such a silly misbehavior unhinge him. “So now I wanna hear you out for a change.”

“Please?” She asks – blunt and accusatory.

“Oh c’mon,” he frowns, undoubtedly displeased with her lack of dedication to the prior request – another polished façade he tends to display when needed. “You’re not even trying.”

To that, she has no response, at least throughout the course of several dozen seconds, required to verify the so-called balance of burdens and benefits, all while attempting to ignore the teasing brushes atop her exposed skin. She has never experienced anything like this – being so responsive to any form of touch, no matter how gentle, how fleeting, casted upon her flesh akin to some grotesque shadow – substitute of proper caress – which might as well be the real reason for cracking her resolve.

“Please, I need you to touch me so badly,” she strives for the most docile version of her tone, not used to such deal of resistance from the second participator, puzzled with the amount of self-control he has been displaying throughout their encounter. “Please.”

“Now was that so hard?”

(Asshole.)

“No,” she sighs, beyond impatient, desperate to alleviate the tension blossoming between her legs, retreating the merest ability to focus, as if all pitiful remains of poorly constructed concentration have been thrown out of the window.

(Entropic fallout, wasn’t it?)

(Huh?)

All too soon, in one precisely brisk maneuver, he is hovering over her form, surrounding the female with natural body heat, as his lips trail butterfly kisses over the tender flesh of her neck – a gesture she would consider sweet under any other circumstances, albeit this time convinced that he is intent to transfer it into yet another merciless act. With the ability to contain her reflexes long gone, now that she is receiving any physical attention, she arches towards him, failing to contain a breathless gasp slipping past her lips as a response to his gesture – tracing the outline of her breast, as if to draw a spiral pattern to the middle – a fiery brand upon the sensitive skin.

“Fuck,” she squeals, synchronized with the harsh nipple pinch, eliciting an amused chuckle from the arrogant lover who is now preoccupied with stroking a line down her stomach, tensed with the anticipation for the coming dive.

“Mmm… fuck…” he groans into her ear – billowing puff of breath – heat over heat – as his fingers skim the lace-covered folds, greeted by a soaking amount of wetness that speaks to the most primal parts of his brain, that has him twitching in the confinement of his pants, wishing to launch for the simplest cut-to-the-chase, even if for a brief moment. “That excited already?”

“Mhm,” she hums in agreement, pushing her hips up in an attempt to meet the hand hovering just above the delicate material – merciless denial that has her muscles twitching in anticipation, enhanced by the sensory deprivation, lack of vision that forces her to ponder upon each and every outcome. “Please, I need- uh, f-fuck…”

A mere plea, uttered in the state of lust-laced deliriousness, disability to comprehend what is happening around her, caught off guard by the following action – a dive straight to the main point of interest, no more excess teasing, fooling around with the fleeting touches that set her skin aflame, wordlessly begging him to pursue. Instead, he replaced the previous tickling with firm pressure, smirking as her hips buck in response, determined to fulfill the innate craving for more direct stimulation, not separated by the thin lace – flimsy barrier that has risen to a rank of an ultimate obstacle, obviously thicker than she would like it to be.

“Take them off, please,” she whines, all too familiar with the burning frustration, laced into her being, taking a form of some grotesque thread, stinging like a sharp needle, crying to be removed.

“Seems like you’ve been demanding a lot lately, don’t you think?” He taunts, almost back to the smooth baritone if not for the lingering hint of restrain hiding behind his voice, the smoky gaze he has been casting upon her exposed body for quite a while, perceivable on the intuitive aspect alone.

“No, please,” she cries in despair as his fingers abandon their previous spot, beyond desperate to complete the process, hands reaching to grasp him, but he evades the clumsy clutches, letting out an amused chuckle at the frenzied attempt.

“Relax,” he purrs into her ear – a sound that sends a resonating shiver down her spine, which paired with the abrupt nip delivered on the tender earlobe almost has her moaning out loud, “I’m far from done with you yet,” an exclamation meant to elicit another violent shiver, accompanied by his throaty laugh. “But before we move on, any specific requests you have in mind?”

“No, just touch me,” she whines, too unhinged to bother with general appearance, clenching her thighs to alleviate the ache, in foolish hopes it will somehow slip past his attention.

(Sure.)

“How exactly?” He continues, quick to grasp the woman by the shapely muscle and draw her legs apart, all for the purpose of witnessing Gia trembling in frustration.

“However you want,” she reciprocates, already past the point of bothering to conceal her responses – polar opposite to the moderate man beside her, which might as well be yet another foolish assumption, if missing out the lustful glint in his eyes, silvery hue that has transferred into one of these restless storms – dark and predatory.

“Sure, Sundance,” he hums – a conclusion laced by a lingering hint, somehow sinister, indescribable with the human vocabulary, probably unsettling in the eyes of the young artiste – a final warning – but she is not in the mood to dwell on any underlying doubts, meant to be clarified as soon as he presses the vibrating bullet to her clit, forcing a choked moan from the equally astonished female.

“Fuck,” she gasps as another incomprehensible wave rocks through her body, muscles twitching in response to the increasing pressure, once again dying to get rid of the flimsy barrier, “off, please.”

“Lift your hips,” he instructs, almost at the spot, maybe fed up with drawing the inevitable as well, to which she complies, allowing him to slide the lacy panties down her legs, then approximately toss them aside.

Settled beside his lover again, evident in the heated exhales palpable upon her cheek, he resumes the initiated activity, dragging the buzzling bullet up her folds to circle the swollen nub, eliciting another reedy squeal from the squirming partner, which in turn has him wondering whether it is her casual reaction to such form of caress – inability to remain still, shifting from side to side as if caught in some frenzied state of lust. Therefore, to facilitate the process, he opts for an alternative position, tugging Gia in between his legs, back to the firm chest, now able to hold the woman more steadily with an open palm sprawling across her abdomen. Even if that simple, the act affects him more than he cares to acknowledge, at least when attempting to match the distinctive candor, marveling at how lightweight she is – penchant for dainty women in general – which combined with the soft moans slipping past her lips has him twitching against the swell of her ass.

Despite the thick curtain of lust clouding her mind, she can feel him perfectly through the thin layer of clothing, more than nervous to acquaint the full length, considering there is barely anything appealing about said part of male anatomy. Furthermore, her attitude leans more to the category of ‘intimidated’ than ‘excited’, while pondering upon the possible outcome, someway obliged to convert it into ‘inevitable’ – a trait that tends to lead people on the baneful avenue.

As well as concealing the truth.

“Enjoying yourself?” He mutters into her ear all of sudden, dragging the woman back to the contemporary realm, at least as much as the carnal aspect allows to, mind foggy with desire, relishing the temporal docility that she is displaying, more vulnerable than ever.

Seemingly not in the mood to oppose, she hums in affirmation, twitching as her body surges with the approaching wave of ecstasy, surprisingly close by now, considering how little physical attention she has received on the course of their encounter, maybe due to visual deprivation as for the enhancing factor. With the heightened sense of touch, the low vibrations on her clit feel divine, otherworldly even, as a part of her wishes to tether on such stage for blissful eternity, explore the unknown realm at leisured pace.

Unfortunately, it turns out that she will not be the judge of that, since he removes the toy, not quite certain when exactly, since the ability to evaluate the passing time has abandoned Gia as soon as he pressed the bullet to her clit. As if caught in some tunnel-vision state of lust, she attempts to reach out for him, unfortunate to slash through the thin air, which has her groaning in frustration, and despite more than evident amusement, he soothes her with a warm palm on her thigh and a whispering promise, dedication that causes her to choke on own spit, head snatching in his direction, more than certain that she must have misheard him.

“What did you say?”

“I said I wanted to taste you,” he repeats, the same purring baritone as before reverberating in her ear, sending a violent shiver down her spine – a throbbing buzz straight to her clit. “What? Man’s never gone down on you?”

“Man? No,” she counters, still in genuine shock due to the least expected proposition, especially from the lips of the most arrogant, selfish bastard she has ever encountered, opting to dismiss all sensible doubts, when considered through the prism of his potential intentions, certainly not featuring the direct aim for climax. “But please do go on, I’m interested.”

“Wouldn’t have guessed,” he reciprocates, a sarcastic comment that somehow slips past her attention, most likely because she chooses to ignore it – negative for picky with more pressing matters occupying her mind.

“Can I get rid of the blindfold first?” She verbalizes what is germane, hands already reaching up to untie the knot, but he halts her with a disapproving click of his tongue, not intent to expand it to the physical realm, by grasping her wrists for instance.

“I don’t know, can you?” He teases, eliciting a frustrated huff from the female, as her hands fall to the chest, waiting for his approval, which pleases him more than she suspects, and so prompts to let it loose with a negligent tug.

Blinding light.

“Fuck,” she gasps, shielding her eyes from the city neons illuminating her face, bright and aggressive, marring the vision with ghoulish spots – temporal disability, excluded from the flawless world, shoved away as soon as it bumps into any of its dwellers, wandering in search of an ultimate place.

Chaos.

Parallel with humanity?

(Don’t be ridiculous.)

Smart enough to wait until it subsided, she adjusts their position, now chest to chest with Connor, as her sight shifts towards him, taking in the contours of his face, now accentuated by the artificial light, caught on the glimmering hint of chrome decorating his cheekbones – sharp and unyielding. Giving as good as he gets, his eyes bore into her façade – resemblance of a steel tool, corresponding with the icy shade, now reflecting the female’s image – orchid hair and tangerine irises, almost auburn in the dim illumination. There is something devilish about her, the intimate setting she is aiming for, the dainty hands braced on his chest, the affection in her gaze, prominent enough to unsettle the steady man, even if subdued by the membrane of lust, screaming warning to accelerate the process.

“Lie down,” he prompts, palms on the either sides of her hips as if to ensure she would move, “or else I might think you’ve changed your mind about this.”

“Sure,” she purrs, lips inches away from his, but still, the abrupt closure catches him off guard – firm pressure applied on the tender flesh – pouring every ounce of the bottled-up emotion into the kiss as for the vulnerable creature she is, meant to shatter in his callous grip, knowing it will be too intricate to comprehend if transferred into words. He lets her go with offbeat reluctance – a hint that she is able to catch, detached from his usual composure, topping it up with yet another fleeting peck, before she actually rolls to the side, nestling in the silky sheets – indication to pursue.

(Control-wrecking.)

With her spread out like this, prolonging the inevitable appears as beyond pointless, foolish dreams of a self-centered man with reliable composure, superior when juxtaposed with the pitiful rest, and yet succumbing to the carnal desire – spirited among the spineless, spineless among the spirited – civilized paradox. All meaningless in face of the feminine creature, lying on the velvety fabric, one knee bent, anticipating his touch, craving the flattery if only in the tactile realm, the synthetic hue of her irises now obscured by the eyelids – a detail at odds with his tastes and so a matter that he is quick to rectify with a stern grip upon her chin, eliciting a discontented whine from the young artiste.

“Eyes on me,” he bids, voice laced with proficiently concealed impatience, if not for the lingering hint marring the quintessential presentation – evidence of the lustful longing within his gaze, within the manner it outlines her curves, following up to the partly confused façade.

“I thought you-”

“Then you were wrong,” he interrupts, almost trespassing the point of autocracy that has her laughing out loud, albeit still capable of transferring it into a mere shadow of a proper smile – a nuance not meant to evade his perception, heightened by an animalistic instinct. “Don’t tempt me to wipe that smirk off.”

“What?”

Without bothering to clarify the four-letter query, as per usual, he retreats to the initial intention, determined to fulfill the shared craving – polar opposites that mingle into one, overlapping both perspectives – a prelude to the everlasting doubt:

To give or to receive?

(That is the question.)

In consideration with the dualistic lack of competence to put it to an end, and yet each time the occasion arises, every average scum would ask about interlocutor’s preference.

It must be the people who are damaged,

Shattered akin to a splinter of glass.

(Give me a fucking break.)

“Connie?” She frowns in confusion, clearly the one to be left hanging this time, albeit not only at loss in such realm – an exclamation shattering his reverie, not that it bothers him much under current circumstances.

Hence, being brought up to a point of boiling impatience, he opts for the simple cut-to-the-chase move and so settles in between her legs, pried apart with the telltale pressure of his hands applied onto the tender insides. Unable to ignore the tingling of her thighs, now grasped in his palms – slim and dainty in comparison, which evokes that odd concoction of contradictions – anxious but

(to the point of)

aroused, almost trembling with excitement for what is about to come.

(And fuck, does it come…)

Practically keening due to the freshly occurred friction, fleshy and tangible on the swollen folds, drawing a throaty moan from the woman – not the most appealing sound she could have uttered, but still, there is always a room for improvement, she thinks bitterly – caricaturistic resemblance of Connor’s notions. Little does she know, he is far from displeased, now that his hands are clasped around her thighs, and the tongue is tracing the feminine outline with deliciously firm strokes, having opted out of the warm-up, considered nonsensical after all prior actions.

In spite of the so-called burning frustration, each stroke is languid, leisure, as if it was his elementary intention to memorize the shape through such manner, but at the same time prevent from overwhelming her on the very first shot. That, paired with the poor concentration, limited to the heady flavor occupying his mouth, has his eyes adverting to the side, lids heavy with the decadent intoxication, mind much drowsier than before, so instead of maintaining the direct contact, he allows them to fall shut, even if for a mere moment.

Deprived of the visual stimulus, the object of main focus shifts to the taste-related factor, linked with a nuance that he has always perceived as interesting – each time it manages to satiate the fussy palate, which might as well be a direct result of pheromones’ presence – a bitter reminder that even below all the meticulously crafted layers lays yet another insignificant human, succumbing to the innate whim. A human barely able to maintain the substantial concentration with the rhythmical pumping of blood audible in his ears and an evidence of ardent lust crawling down his neck, beyond positive that his skin is hot to touch now, matching the tender flesh that is clutched in his hand, hard enough to bruise, he somehow manages to keep the pace, occasionally sucking at the swollen nub, intent to get as much from her as possible.

“Fuck, more,” she whines, urgency evident in her voice, shifting beneath the unyielding man, clenching around merciless nothing, “I need more.”

(There it is. More.)

“Already?” He cocks an inquisitive eyebrow at the frustrated vocalist, infuriatingly dapper in its condescension, tickling her with a mere stroke of his tongue upon the heated folds.

“Mhm,” she hums in agreement, twitching due to the moderate caress, up to consider locking his head in between her thighs, even if for a split second, required to brace for the simplest of requests, “please.”

“And why is that?” He reciprocates in a teasing manner, now halting his movements all together to eye Gia with the signature intensity, still nested in the exact same spot. “Better not disappoint me with the answer, Sundance.”

“You’re such a-” she begins, soon interrupted by a cruel nip delivered right to the tender flesh of her folds – brisk, and so mind-clearing, but not harsh enough to hurt severely, and yet she cannot bother to hold back the boiling curse. “Ah- fuck you,” she spats, clearly not in the mood for any excess teasing, fed up with his never-ending talk, queries uttered in the most unfortunate moments, catching her in that peculiar state of delirious fogginess, as if intent to receive the most feverish answer.

“Well, I don’t see that coming,” he baits, still amused with each rising attempt to dethrone him from the superior position, feigning obstinacy to crack his resolve, check whether she has the capacity to break him – foolish pursuit of a permanent idealist. “Although I appreciate the sentiment.”

“What?”

“So,” he ignores the confused exclamation once again, determined to gain the desired answer from the woman, itching with impatience, enhanced by the lingering aftertaste upon his tongue. “Still so keen on disappointing me?”

“No, please,” she practically whines, dreaming about locking her legs to ease the ardent crave for friction. “It hurts.”

“I know it does,” he reciprocates, almost getting the hair-thin thread of longanimity to snap, thanks to the signature smooth swagger, especially when his eyes shift to the heaving breasts, pulsing with unresolved tension.

“Then ease me,” she suggests, not so demanding despite the straightforward nature of prior verbalization, laced with a prominent hint of desperation, impossible to be omitted. “Please.”

“Now was that so hard?” He flashes her a pitiful smile, albeit this time she does not bother to formulate any retort, already shoved past the point of carnal urge, with tunnel vision drifting the hopeless individual towards her final destination – inevitable wreckage. To be honest, he must have lacked the corporeal form to omit all of these: how she is practically dripping on his tongue, quivering under the precise manners he glides her with, wave after wave, climbing higher and higher, up to the point where the rhythmical pulsing becomes tactile on the moist muscle. He is well aware of how little it would take to unravel the dumbfounded artist – three, maybe five sucks if he decides to embrace the latent potential for generosity – and yet the sadistic component wants to witness the scorching heap of frustration, spatting and cursing him to the nth degree just to get back on track with begging, merely a brief moment later.

(What a merciful man I am.)

(Merciful, huh? Now prove it.)

Almost sobbing in relief when the first tide rocks through her tingling body, she arches off the bed, damned if these were not stars she was seeing – nova, luminous explosion, blacking out the vision for a split second, yet enough to miss the hubristic glint in his eyes, relishing in the way her thighs quiver on both sides of his head. Allowing Gia to ride out the aftershocks, he bestows her with a milder alternative, barely skimming past the abused flesh, until she tugs him away by the hair, denying the access altogether, now that she is too sensitive to continue.

“That was nice,” she mutters, glancing at the rising man whose hands are now preoccupied with unbuttoning the burgundy shirt, “thanks.”

“Your ’nice’ is a fatal understatement, don’t you think?” He retorts, bitter once deprived of the physical connection, although the unravelling sight acts as enough of a distraction from the sour timbre, right at the gates of finding out about the authentic expanse of his tattoos.

“Maybe…” she drags on the syllable, drowsiness evident in the leisure mannerism, allowing her eyelids to fall shut for a longer moment, as if positive the resting interval between the tandem of acts is more than essential, “I don’t know…”

Conditional.

Blindness.

Once again without the visual stimulus, as if filtrating the faint shuffling in the background, her focus drifts towards more unnerving matters, towards how bizarre it will be to experience the subsequent intercourse in the manly way after those few years, now that she is a mere step from clarifying the preposterous doubts. Although she is certain he has no intentions in making her feel uncomfortable, out of place, as if she belonged elsewhere, as if she was incapable of transferring their time together into an enjoyable record for both of them – insecurity laced in between the strings of her being – she still hesitates, tethers on the pinnacle determining the predictive outcome.

(Now that is absurd.)

“C’mere,” he prompts, and if not for the purring baritone – a note that she has had a fair amount of time to get accustomed with – gentle tug of a dainty hand, she would remain trapped in the conceptual dimension. Instead, he settles Gia on his lap, eliciting a choked gasp from the artiste once she discovers the blunt lack of any form of clothing, all sturdy flesh below her petite form, eyes drifting to the stygian patterns marring the pale skin.

Vessel for conspectus.

Corporeal form.

Flattery of artistry.

Asseveration of one’s mindset.

Mysterious understatement.

“What does it mean for you?” She inquiries – a doubt popping out of blue, laced with apprehension of discovering the possible truth lurking behind his polished façade, emerging to the surface as a form of carnal avidity he eyes her with – a man starved, restive due to the intentional delay. “Sex.”

“Sex, huh?” He smirks – a ravenous glint enlightening his countenance. “Sex means power.”

(At least he is frank.)

(Sometimes, I feel sorry for him.)

“No, I mean this,” she gesticulates, pointing at each of them, albeit missing the amused tilt of his lips as a response to the untimed query, “you and me.”

“Entropy,” he bestows her with yet another evasive answer, now that he is so keen on pursuing further for a change, hands taking a steady grip on either sides of her waist, before he leans in for a kiss, meant to prevent the innocent doubt from blossoming into a full-blown sparring match – an overflow of endless qualms. In spite of her, rather disputable, judgment, she returns the caress, scooting closer to him – blatant euphemism since her breast are practically mashed against his chest, with frenzied heartbeat resonating through the ribcage.

Crescendo.

Pinnacle where one is deprived of the human ability to perceive reality as a compound of coherent particles, instead gradually declines into a place where most aspects acquire a diametrical form – indiscriminate and so considered unimportant through the prism of future reference. Analogy parallel to her current state, each and every worry evaporating in the night’s breeze, as his lips brush – no – claim the lonesome territory, hands trace the outline of her hips – reminder of the primordial intention – a mere breath away from flipping Gia on the back to clasp her hands above the head and… the rest speaks for itself.

(Better show than tell.)

And so, in order to keep up with the rush of concepts clouding his perception, he fulfills the aforementioned, eliciting an outraged gasp from the surprised female, as soon as she comprehends the abrupt reposition. Deciding to test the waters, she tugs at the makeshift binding, expecting him to tighten the grasp, but nothing like this happens, as if he managed to outrun her suppositions, and while it is still relatively firm, the pressure remains unchanged.

Queer.

Deep in her personal probe, she fails to notice his progressing movements, until he nudges her legs apart, right at the threshold of sliding in, twitching against the slender thigh in excitement. Due to the interval dividing the last and tonight’s encounter, rather generous in length, she acquires that peculiar like-a-virgin attitude, tensed and nervous, valuating the possible amount of discomfort, parallel to the potency of pain, almost blocking the way when he prods at her entrance, presumably by accident considering the following statement.

“You don’t have to impress me, okay? Just relax.”

Probably his first and only display of sweetness she would ever witness.

(Enjoy while it lasts.)

Which is exactly what she opts for, having taken a deep breath, hoping it will calm her rapid heartbeat – not only a futile but also naive attempt – prelude to the tearing entrée that forces a choked whine from her constricted throat, that has the hybrid nails biting crescent shapes into the heel of her palm. Although partly drowned by the feminine whimper, he utters his own groan – evidence of layered frustration, eased by the surrounding tightness, even if for a brief moment – while a part of him struggles to maintain still instead of nailing her to the mattress, not so metaphorically anymore.

“Fuck,” he hisses through gritted teeth, chest heaving with each uneven breath, and what he suspects must have extended to hours and hours of malevolent interlude, in reality requires less than a minute to feel the woman shift below, hips bucking in form of a silent plea.

And who is he to deny her that?

Having opted for such choice, he rocks into her, at this peculiar state of awareness when it comes to each scrape, each flutter, each alternative in pressure against the throbbing member that forces a barely audible gasp from the preoccupied male. Always so self-contained, so persistent, so… composed, and yet she has managed to shatter the inch-thick pane with the merest nuances – a blemish of honor – which disturbs him more than he cares to admit.

In a heap of developing necessity to shove the thought aside, he picks up the pace, forcing his eyelids open to observe the variety of reactions manifesting themselves on her face, too monotonous for his own liking, as if something was preventing the artiste from enjoying their encounter, as if a part of her was immune to the charms he used to enchant a number of lovers throughout the years. Even though she is, indeed, responding, uttering a soft mewl here and there, for some reasons each time he attempts to add his duos, the equalization grants him with an answer of three, as if a single particle was missing, which infuriates him even more than the stain once did.

Matter laid in his hands.

Before she gets a chance to take a grasp on what is happening, he leaves her lying cold by his side, even if only in a metaphorical sense, struggling to relocate in the changing settings, if the abrupt emptiness counts as one, beyond confused and so determined to express her immerse displeasure with the recent turn of events. While he however, less than keen on hearing whatever complains she dares to throw at him, shushes her in the most brusque way possible, at least if considering it through the prism of abusing the physical superiority

(is this even the right expression?),

by tugging her over his lap once again, albeit this time getting Gia to face the window, which has her frowning in confusion, all before he somehow situates himself inside once again, eliciting a throaty moan from the woman, surprisingly husky in contrast with the usual honeyed tune.

“Fuck,” she whimpers, clenching around him, positively caught off guard due to the fresh angle, squirming as she tests the waters – an action that has him hissing in discomfort, full of hatred towards the sensation that comes with being teased.

“Glad to hear that,” he mutters into her hair, breath tickling the tender skin below her ear. “Now grind your hips.”

Puzzled with the sudden shift in his attitude – giving up the control from before, at least as an initial impression – a matter of delusional deception – she halts instead of complying, which prompts him reiterate.

“C’mon, don’t make me repeat myself,” he purrs into her ear, lips stroking the sensitive flesh as he speaks, intent to discover what pace does the trick for the young artiste in his arms, and with that thought in mind, he allows himself to sigh as soon as she begins to move. Despite being well aware it might not be the most convenient position to lead, he intends to find out about the unspoken preference – reason of their misconception – and much to his surprise, she seems to enjoy whatever is happening between them now, having settled for the slower pace.

Soft and tender.

“Touch me, please,” she whines, grasping him by the arm in order to direct it in between her legs, when all off sudden, instead of fulfilling her wish straight away, he grasps her by the hips, putting the leisure interlude to an end, replaced by his own thrusts, meant to elicit that husky moan once again. Therefore, he slips his hand right where she wanted it merely a moment ago, drawing a honeyed mewl instead as it circles her clit, teasing the swollen nub with the same languid pace that almost had him tremble in frustration before, dying to witness the myriad of responses lying in her capacity.

“How does it feel?” he rasps, voice hoarser than ever before, clouded with a dense fog of lust, as if indicating the non-acceptance of disobedience in any form. “Tell me.”

“So good… so…” she begins, struggling to find the right words, the bodily influence over her mind more than evident under the current circumstances, “so… relieving… just keep going, please. ”

In spite of the hackneyed cliché, the sentence itself creates a binding influence over the male, combined with the layer cake of various frustrations, filled with piling impatience, and so enough to prompt him to fulfill the wish straightaway. Ergo, he increases the intensity of both aspects, which has her writhing atop him, squirming and whining for release, mouth agape and back arched, soaked in the neon glow – foggy reflection in the glass pane, branded underneath his eyelids for plenty of nights in the future.

Carnal fixation.

Who twists her neck to steal a kiss, bumping their noses together, dying to taste him once again before the final climax – elsewise pleonasm – fluttering around his girth as a prelude for what is inevitable, beyond anticipated, while he appears as perfectly capable of sensing her need, and so returns the caress. Albeit this time, it is safe to assume he is not just toying with her anymore, now that he is creeping closer and closer to the personal pinnacle, thighs twitching as she clenches around him to the point of vice-tight, almost preventing any movement, which might as well be a matter of hyperbolizing, but still, he would never allow it to end prematurely.

(A blemish of honor, was it?)

“Tell me you want this,” he rasps, with the self-control aspect running thin, evident in the loss of rhythm, perceptible even if not absolute.

“I- ah-” she gasps after a particularly rough thrust, interrupting whatever train of thoughts she has been gliding through, rewarded with a sharp nip on the side of her neck.

“Tell me,” he reiterates – gravelly groan that sends a tremor down her spine – rubbing the sensitive nub in firm circles, up to the point where she cannot help but buck against his hand, right at the cusp of bliss, ready to fall.

“I want this, plea-ease,” she whines, stuttering at the end, voiced laced with sheer desperation, dying for the final push.

(And fuck, does it come…)

Mouth agape in a silent scream bubbling inside her constricted throat, she arches into a telltale bow, head falling onto his shoulder, as she flutters around him – rhythmical pulsing that pushes him over the edge, muscles twitching below. Never had she allowed a man to use her like that, and while the artiste was once positive it must be the single most distasting experience of one’s life, she finds herself relishing in the inglorious sensation, trembling as the wave of aftershocks rocks through her limp frame.

(Fucking hell.)

(Fucking hell.)

Tangled on the silky sheets and coming down from their heights, neither of them dare to exchange a word, and so break the comfortable silence – tranquility emerging from the storm – instead bask in the afterglow, with him nuzzling her hair, seemingly in a moment of weakness, lacking the previous rapture. As if unable to foresee the inevitable, she utters a whine of protest the moment he pulls out from her body, having settled the partner aside once he collapses onto the mattress, fatigue evident in his movements, and yet allows her to curl into his side, even intertwine their fingers.

Interesting.

What else might be considered in such terms is the contrast, beyond stark, both in color and texture – creamy and tender juxtaposed with the inky pattern, flesh that is rough in to touch, indicating he must have been working in an entirely different field from the current corporative line – a layover on the methodical path to the ornament itself. Examining the small tattoos drawn over their length, she finds the disability to identify what has been depicted on his skin in such a dim lightening a tad bit infuriating, although not mood-defining, which would be rather odd elsewise – getting emotional over some minuscule detail.

(Hypocrite.)

“Did they hurt?” She asks, breaking the drowsy lull that has settled over them, a question that prevents him from dozing off for now, which might turn out for the better in the nearby future, since he is not quite fond of random modification in the hygiene routine.

“No,” he bestows her with a dismissive answer, once again and much to her annoyance if under any other circumstances, certainly not when she is lying half-asleep beside another warm body. “Mind if I use your shower?”

“No,” she mimics his most recent answer, nevertheless positive when it comes to the veracity of said statement.

What a terrible misconception.

* * *

It is safe to assume these two weeks must have been the most bizarre period since the Resurrection – peaceful if not for that peculiar inkling lingering in the back of his mind, as if to indicate some ominous turnabout he opposes to discover. Pairing it up with one of the most loathed traits – attempting to fool himself – does nothing to alleviate the situation, instead enhances the disquietude that has been occupying his soul for quite a while, which in turn brings the anticipation of any possible denouement to the light, craving for certainty rather than a bunch of arising assumptions, even if it would lead to a minacious discovery.

Paradox.

Imminent downfall.

But a lesson from the most experienced teacher.

Life.

Life that has managed to educate him on a carnival realm, including even the least expected plot twists, the most obnoxious outcomes, begging for correction, a correction beyond qualifications, evoking the ardent embarrassment that follows in the wake of incapacity.

Although this time what initiates the process is an act.

An act so simple.

Nearly offensive.

A telephone.

No.

Let’s try that again.

It all starts out with a telephone from an old pal.

“Buenas noches, Connor,” he greets with a throaty tune that the manager has almost brought himself to forget – a road paved with good intentions. “Long time no see, eh?”

“Yes, most certainly,” he reciprocates, albeit surprisingly brisk to block the visual, all while striving for a note as calm as possible, burying all worries underneath the surface, at least for now – flawlessly polished façade.

“Oh c’mon, why so formal?” He whinges, smirk audible in his voice. “We haven’t talked for how long? Seven? Eight years?”

“Does it matter?” He shrugs, feigning indifference – desperate attempt of a drowning man. “It’s work related anyway.”

“Still concrete, I like this,” he remarks – deceptive tease.

“Flattery is useless,” he counters, tone harsh akin to a dagger – a reminiscence from the old times. “Unless, of course, you’re calling ‘cause you’re bored to shit and have no one to fuck. But I believe that’s not the case, now is it?”

“Sadly no,” he sighs, as if truly upset. “I have a wife now, so you know…”

“Oh and that’s stopping you? Fuck…” he rolls his eyes in mock disbelief – an involuntary response to the smoky tone. “But okay, let’s assume it does; then what’s the real issue, where’s the fucking catch?”

“You see people change-”

“And you believe in it? An old dog like you?” He interrupts – a retort followed by an incredulous chuckle. “Give me a fucking break.”

“Yes, I do believe it now,” he counters, voice laced with a hint of annoyance. “You see, I don’t like people within my scope, what’s mine stay mine. And who would understand it better than you, am I right?”

He only hums in approval.

“Very well,” he must be smiling now, not that he would want to see anything of that sort, but still, it disturbs him more than he cares to admit – a malevolent omen. “So I want you to do something for me, you know, for that time in New Mexico. I hope it rings a bell.”

“Yes, most certainly,” he mimics the prior answer, which has the man huffing in annoyance, although not interrupt his train of thoughts, if so enhance the need to spill the tea now that he has been given a chance.

Disastrous decision?

Well again, not really.

“Still remember how to kill?”

How many words?

Five?

Five words to utter the contrasting sentence, indicate the earth-shattering proposition.

Five words to send him straight to hell.

In business class.

What.

The.

Fuck.

“Do you have the slightest idea what the fuck are you talking about?” He responds after good three minutes – a fleeting expanse of time, slipping out of attention’s grasp, unnoticed by the stern man – voice marred with helpless wrath. “I won’t get involved in any of your shady little businesses.”

“And why is that?” He asks, cocking an eyebrow at the empty screen, wishing Connor could see this – a victory amongst the vicious.

“Fuck you,” he spats, hands twitching in immerse rage. “Just- fuck you!”

“Better not piss me off, chico, ‘kay?” He interjects – an exclamation laced with blossoming annoyance now that his interlocutor has allowed himself for far too many liberties. “I’m nice, ‘cause we’re friends, but I won’t be nice if you piss me off, está claro?”

“Can’t you hire anyone else?” An attempt of discussion? Really? Downright pitiable. “I bet you have multiple sidekicks that would gladly do this for you, ‘cause now I don’t have any time to deal with your shit.”

“Pfft… as good time as any,” he counters, oh so unexpectedly. “Plus I think you’re gonna do this far better than any one of them, not to mention – for free.”

“The first one is a fucking lie, which we both know, and the second-”

“Oh I beg to differ,” he interrupts, still vexed although convinced that what Connor needs is time, time to get accustomed with the inevitable concept, matter extending beyond the realm of personal control. “Both are relevant. You’re the best and you’re gonna do this for free ‘cause you fucking owe me. End of the story.”

“I don’t-”

“Oh you do,” he cuts off once again, intent to get the best of him – calm attitude and meticulous precision, “so just fucking listen for once.”

“What is it even about?” He queries, now that he has managed to satiated the ardent rage, at least enough to circle back to the milder tone, a tone that would fit Thiago’s tastes. “Business? Revenge?”

“Well, both I’d say,” he bestows him with a brisk affirmation, not that he is surprised, “but I don’t wanna get into many details now that we’re on the line, not that anyone of those sacks of fuck would care, but still, you know how it is… Anyway, his name is Carlos Vásquez, and two, three years ago he was just a pimp, a regular pimp, ‘recruiting’ regular people to do regular shit, nothing special, right?”

“So what has changed?”

“He’s extended his business’ interests to the drug market, but even that wouldn’t concern me much, at least not that much to kill him,” he halts, possibly to enhance the suspense, which combined with exasperating Connor creates quite a lucrative form of entertainment. “Which was until that pendejo, pedazo de hijo de puta, sent a bunch of assholes to kidnap my daughter, my fifteen-year-old daughter, my Ava. You’ve never met her, but I believe I’ve mentioned her once or twice in New Mexico.”

“If only,” he huffs – a mannerism deliberately ignored by the influential businessman – rolling his eyes in a display of thespian impatience.

“And let me tell you, I’ll never, ever let that motherfucker get away with this,” he continues – malicious promise, albeit paved with good intentions.

“Where is she now?” He interjects, a blunt query that has his friend, supposing he can be labeled as such, laughing out loud.

“Don’t tell me you’ve gotten soft all of sudden… Christ.”

“It’s a practical question,” he explains, apparently displeased with the obligation to enlighten the aforementioned. “’Cause I want you to know from the very beginning that I ain’t gonna save her.”

“Oh, thank you kindly for your compassion, but she’s safe now, which is all you need to know,” he clarifies – an exclamation that has the manager sighing in relief, considering his reluctance when it comes to any dramatic rescues.

“And the details?”

“I’ll send them later,” the Mexican flips him off with a dismissive flick of his wrist, having forgotten he has blocked the visual, not that it bothers him much anyway. “You know, photos, business associates, lovers’ names, blah, blah, blah…”

“Sure you will,” he nods, feeling obliged to clarify all matters despite the boiling tension, threatening to leak onto the surface – indication of the so-called professionalism. “Any special requests?”

“Well… actually yes.”

(Ah, of course. Fuck me up, will you?)

“I want it the old-fashioned way. Strangle him for me. Bare hands.”

(Sure, and what else?)

“Sure, customer is king,” and he even manages to pull off a smile.

Sick.

“Glad we agree on this one, but don’t forget to record it,” he reminds – an unprofessional explanation, beyond obvious, and so to the point of offensive. “It’s gonna provide me a prove of you work, plus later on… who knows? We could… reprogram it into a simulation for instance.”

“Sure,” he agrees – a brisk affirmation, a signature of his.

“And maybe, just maybe, don’t get too hooked on the idea, you’ll get some spare cash after all, from the sale of course,” he proposes, not that it bothers Connor at this point, lacking the essential turnabout.

“Mhm, merciful,” he remarks, ever the sarcastic. “But what now? Should I wait for some kind of a call or…?”

“Yeah, just wait,” he bestows him with yet another terse confirmation, indicating whatever low-class joke that has been blossoming underneath his skull. “Dulces sueños, babe.”

And with that he hangs up.

Son of the bitch.

* * *

It is safe to assume these two weeks must have been the most bizarre period since the Resurrection – release of her debut album, and so considered as an entry ticket to the variety of possibilities, reserved for the elite only, at least according to what she thought at that time.

Obso-lite.

Obtuse.

Lie.

Therefore, as the years pass by, so does her confidence when it comes to the human potential, artificial power that he has gained through the achievements of the most sublime minds, possession of little respect, taken for granted. All for the convenience of the beneficial ones, monstrous corporations with tremendous influence over the common men lead by the exceptional – an astral being that transcends human consciousness, marking its presence in the society’s genome for generations.

Ridiculously potent.

Romantic phantasy?

But worth recommencing.

Ergo, she has decided to make a use of all the interludes in between their meetings, and so replace the prior mindless fumbling with an action far more directed when juxtaposed with hours and hours of staring at the celling. For months, she was struggling to realized how many inhibitions were piling up to form one grotesque stack, defining the incapacity, artistic lameness that accompanies them, crossing creator’s steps, interfering with the futuristic vision.

And so, she has transferred the mental freedom into work, resulting in a trio of fresh composition – a birdlike tune, cyber tweet – with more than a little help from the synthesizer – an attempt to retreat it in the limelight as a substitute for the dreamy vocals that would play the first fiddle in her debut album. Regardless, as a slave to consumerism, she cannot fight the nervousness that comes with driving down the less explored road, hoping it will pick anyone’s interest and so curries favor with the influential corporation, at least according to what Connie has asseverated.

Risk.

The most influential spice…

But that was before the article.

“Gia?” She hears a male voice addressing her, audible due to relatively close proximity – a factor rather important in the buzzling club. “I haven’t seen you here for a while. Why?”

“Um, I’ve been busy,” she explains, lifting her gaze, only to be greeted with a sight of an infamous Interstellar bartender, leaning by the table top to face her, “but I needed to let off some steam, so that’s why I’m here tonight.”

“Cool,” he nods in affirmation, a matter to cut the topic short. “So what’s you poison?”

“Don’t you think it’s interesting?” She eludes, eyes glued to the array of various liquors preening from behind his back. “The fact that we say ‘poison’ instead of ‘alcohol’, ‘drink’ or whatever as if it was some kind of an indication?”

“Honey, I’m a bartender,” he smiles, apologetic yet condescending – such an odd composition. “It’s my fucking job to sell them, so what are you expecting me to say?”

“I don’t know, nothing probably,” she shrugs despite the burdening weight draped over her shoulders – non-verbal indication of a missing query.

“Look at me,” he prompts, to which she complies, locking their gazes together, even if for a split second. “What’s going on?”

“I don’t know either,” she sighs for a change, distracted by the subtle clink of glass against the polished table top – water, she presumes, satisfactorily sparkling. “I mean, it’s just… Have you seen the articles?”

“‘Romance with an outlaw?’” He cocks an inquisitive eyebrow at the woman, unable to miss the reddish tint blossoming upon her checks as a response to the ridiculous headline. “Yes, and sometimes I’m amazed where the fuck they dig that shit from, which is probably the Net, but still, their ‘dedication’ is incomprehensible for me.”

“He’s not even an outlaw, so I don’t get it,” she shakes her head – expression of a deep-rooted disapproval.

“Well, he doesn’t have to be,” he shrugs, careless all of sudden. “I just think the editors assumed it’d sell itself as, I don’t know, romantic or some shit, but that’s by the by.”

“I mean the real problem is that he hid so many things from me,” she frowns, gaze glued to some mindless spot on the bar – venomous green, absinthe maybe? “And although he has never been the one to discuss his past, I was surprised when I read the article, and I’ve been surprised ever since.”

“Mhm, so tell me now, have you ever asked yourself just why he did that?”

“Yes, but um, it was just… a weird experience? I don’t know,” she sighs, hybrid nails scratching at the pale temple. “I feel like he should’ve told me since we’re together, ‘cause that’s… that’s what I’d do.”

“I believe not,” he opposes – dry and unyielding, beyond unexpected.

“Oh great, so now you’re defending him,” she fusses, exasperation evident in her voice. “That’s exactly what I need, thank you very much.”

“Christ, Gia,” he rolls his eyes, sometimes just as equally tired with her pendulum-like moods. “All I wanted to say was that it’s nothing but an academic example. Take for instance that moral dilemma with pedestrian crossing. You’re sitting at home, drinking tea, while choosing to murder random groups of people. And that’s absurd, ‘cause in real life it’d never happen, and even if, when push comes to the shove you might act out of pure instinct, deprived of warm beverage and blanket. So what I’m trying to say is that those hypothetical scenarios… they are all just assumptions, no more no less, and we’ll never know what we’d do unless we find ourselves involved in a certain situation.”

“Okay, but I still think he should’ve told me,” she justifies, seemingly at loss of the mental flexibility.

“How long are you together?” He questions, as if only to prove a point. “Two? Three weeks?”

“Four,” she corrects – a matter considered beyond insignificant by the bartender who is relatively quick to brush the artiste off in resemblance to Connor, and so much to her exasperation.

“Doesn’t matter, ‘cause, you know, not anyone feels ready to spill the guts after twenty-something days of personal relationship.”

“I was just trying to be honest with him, ‘kay?” She counters, attempting to mitigate the prior surge of spite with an apologetic explanation. “Show a little empathy, or something.”

“So you’re telling me your ‘empathy’ is uniformed when it comes to, I don’t know, traumas?” He retorts, as if genuinely tired with the lacking logics when it comes to justifying her motives.

“Yeah, I mean, I’m sorry,” she sighs, once again back to the resigned attitude, now that the ire has evaporated. “It’s just… he’s killed people there, and I don’t know… I feel like it’s a lot to digest. Especially since I got furious and pushed him into telling the truth, and he… he told me so many horrible things, he told me they-”

“Which war was that?” he interrupts, having sensed the approaching lachrymose confession. “Climate one?”

“Yes, the Fifth,” she bestows him with a terse affirmation, swallowing the thick lump in her throat.

“The Fifth one… okay, so think about it now,” he waves his hand in a self-indicating gesture, accompanied by her eyes following the movement, even if for a split second. “He must’ve been like, I don’t know, twenty at best.”

“Yeah, I know, I know,” she nods, face marked by a perturbed frown – indication of worry, “but then I started digging, and I’ve discovered some really weird shit.”

“Like what exactly?”

“It’s like he’s been alive for eight years or something,” she begins, having reversed the chronology, at least according to his assumptions, considering she tends to do that sometimes. “I mean he told me he had had some kind of an accident there or whatever, got half off his organs replaced because of that. But when he had gotten better, they were to send him back on the field, right?”

“Right, but what about these eight years or something?” He inquires, attempting to redirect her train of thought to the clarifying realm, now that he is getting curious.

“I’ll circle back to it later, ‘kay?” She sighs, albeit this time to indicate the vexation evoked by his query. “So the last thing he told me was that he deserted, right?”

“Right,” he nods in affirmation.

“And that was when Cara pushed me to start digging,” she reveals, emphasizing it with the click of her cantaloupe nail against the table top.

“Cara? I thought you two were-”

“Yes, we are, but that’s not important now,” she interrupts, determined to set the record straight now that he is interfering with her vision, even if unintentionally. “Anyway, after the desertion there is like… a blank spot on his record – six years or something – and then he’s back in the corporative class.”

“Where have you learned that?” He frowns – puzzled expression dancing over his features.

“In the Net,” she states – a sentence considered beyond obvious, redundant, waste of a triple nature.

“Don’t you think you’re being paranoid?” He indicates, hesitating when it comes to veracity of said assumption, but at the same time uncertain whether it is a sane idea to confirm her beliefs. “Maybe he moved to his parents’ house, wanted to get some rest, or something? Wasn’t active on social media? Christ, I don’t know.”

“I mean it was just the Surface that we managed to check, so…”

“Oh, so that’s why you’re here!” He exclaims, shaking his head in disapproval, now that the realization has been casted upon him. “To pay that sleazy son of fuck to get you down to the Dark, now am I right or am I correct?”

“You know where is he?”

“No,” he negates, careless all off sudden, as if a weight has been lifted off his shoulders, “and I haven’t seen him tonight at all.”

“I don’t believe you,” she states – dry and demanding when refused.

“Well, you don’t have to,” he smiles – both apologetic and condescending once again, prompting her to finish this conversation, no matter how helpful it turned out to be.

“But thanks anyway,” she concludes, having opted for a lighter undertone, since a part of her refuses to treat him akin to some pitiful pushover, not that he would care much in such circumstances.

“Sure, you’re welcome, Gia.”

A greeting appropriate just for tonight.

Indication of lacking fortune.

* * *

Breathing.

It is a simple act, lasting in a self-repeating loop – inhale and exhale, entwined with each other on the model of the aforementioned construct – remaining out of notice due to its permanent presence throughout one’s life. Which is why he considers meditation as worth the effort, since it lets his focus switch to the routine activities connected with the process itself: steady rises and falls of his shoulders, expansion of the ribcage conditioned by the diaphragm’s contractions – a way to get rid of what is redundant but also a method of relaxation, capacity valued in the times of trial.

Times such as now.

Times when he is forced to circle back to the past, and so to break the promise, ideological contract signed by the immaterial stylus, undoubtedly requiring the highest penalty.

Times when the dim lights become blinding.

When the silhouettes stop moving.

When the music dies down.

Leaving him alone in the secluded dimension.

Wiped away from the memories.

From the consciousness.

Buried deep enough to prevent the excavation.

And yet he is standing there, just at the doorway coexisting in two realms – both virtual and metaphorical – ready to take the leap.

Just a mere step

Pass the threshold.

“Everything’s ready?” He ascertains, struggling to recognize the rasp of his own voice.

“Yeah,” he hears the cracking noise reverberate in the earbud, before the connection steadies, allowing him to distinguish the following words properly. “Push it now.”

“Mhm, sure,” he hums, acting as per her request just to be greeted by the sight of a luxurious penthouse, impossible to be swept as a whole.

“I’ll lead you through, ‘kay?” She has a nice voice – a nuance that does not slip past his attention – smooth as molasses.

“Well, I hope so,” he teases, having decided to stray from the subject a bit, even if only for the entertaining purposes. “But, you know, I’ve been wondering what it is that you’re actually risking by helping me?”

“Doesn’t matter,” she refuses to clarify – ice-cold queen. “It’s not like I’m doing it, ‘cause I have the softest heart ever. It’s that kind of shit you get paid for. Generously.”

“No need to lie to me, you know,” he nags further, as if to determine her tolerance for such attitude in general, now that he intends to redirect his train of thoughts – transition between tension and thrill. “Thought you might like to talk, but if not, I get it, no pressure. It’s just… I’m curious, and probably just as fucked as you are, but that’s by the by.”

“Connect to the monitoring system,” she directs – blunt and reserved.

“Sure, anything,” he affirms with a hint of smile tugging at the corners of his lips, fingers fishing out the portable device from the inner pocket of his jacket, ready to jack in. “Not in the mood to talk?”

“I? Not in the mood?” She retorts, presumably a query, but the flat tone might be delusionary. “What a plot twist.”

“Mhm, most certainly,” he agrees – a humming baritone that resonates through his chest.

“Mhm,” she mimics the sound, milder when juxtaposed with the prior accusative timbre. “Thanks for not fucking this up by the way.”

“So you’re in the system?” He ascertains, rising an inquisitive eyebrow – a conditional reflex – despite the fact she is unable to see him now.

Or is she?

“Yeah,” she bestows him with a brisk affirmation just as he steps through the threshold of the security room, intent to hide in the opposite area, and so seize the opportunity to sneak up on the pimp from behind.

“Should I worry about anything else?” He inquires – a matter of clarification – now that he is leaning by the quartz pillar.

“For now? No, just wait,” she instructs, probably for the last time this evening, which evokes that odd tension once again, indicating the inevitability of the climax. “He’ll be here soon.”

“And just how’d you know that?”

“’Cause I’ve fucking fried his security system, which means he’s got the message that there’s a malfunction?” She snaps, voiced laced with a distinctive hint of sarcasm; and it suits her, he thinks. “What did you expect?”

“Certainly much more fumbling,” he explains, having opted for ignoring the accusative tone, at least for now, although a part of him still considers it weird, the fact that he is in full supervision of his own security system – dictated by the trust issues maybe?

“Better lower your expectation for the next time, huh?” She suggests, allowing herself to switch back to the bedroom area that he is currently occupying, even for a brief moment, a moment of distraction, curious about his appearance, which might as well be the second most irresponsible decision of this month, but still, she cannot help herself.

It has been sane to say they are both equally fucked.

“That’d actually set them higher,” he chuckles – a sound that catches him off guard for a split second, enhanced by the fact he is the one to voice it – a paradox maybe? “’Cause if I expect a relatively tough situation to run smoothly, it means that I set my expectation high, at least when it comes to the fortunate circumstances or my capacities.”

“But isn’t it like this sometimes?” She ponders, metallic nails scratching her chin, as she drinks in his features – ash blonde hair, geometric cheek implants, and tall silhouette, clad in dark clothing – interesting to say the least. “That, um… that you do something unintentionally or by accident, and in the end it turns out for the better?”

“Maybe it is,” he shrugs, glancing at the camera’s lens, as if he sensed her gaze on him, which has the woman adverting it to the side, cheeks burning with embarrassment. Ridiculous. “Maybe I even dare to say I agree, but-”

“Okay, C,” she does not even know his name, for fuck’s sake. “Sorry to interrupt, but he’s here. Luckily alone.”

“Yeah, right according to our assumptions,” he nods, calmer when confronted by an factual information. “So how much time do I have?”

“Fuck, I don’t know,” she vacillates – feverish, and so incapable to decide, even if for a split second. “A minute? Two maybe?”

“Couldn’t you like… tell me earlier?” He frowns, voice laced with a hint of accusation.

“Maybe if you weren’t fucking distracting me?” She mimics his tone – indication of an approaching argument, although she is yet to surprise him in that realm.

“Well, I tend to do that sometimes,” he teases as per usual, maybe to conceal the fact she appears to be quits in that matter, eliciting a vexed huff from his female partner on the other side of the line.

“Uh just- I don’t know, good luck.”

Beep, ensued by silence.

Alone again.

Although not for long.

Indicated by the click of the front door and cautious steps reverberating in the adjoining area, or rather the creeping climax acquiring a form of a male with chrome hand – external damnation – from where he can see approaching the security room with a gun clutched tightly by the synthetic digits.

Closure.

Closure that grants perspectives.

Perspectives at hand.

Hand of providence.

Providence of a man.

Man to replace the God.

Unbelievable.

One step, two, then three… from or towards the target? Clueless, deprived of an ability to count, with tunnel vision drifting him towards the goal – a man leaning by the table, gaze fixated on the computer screen, scrolling through the program.

“Fuck,” he mutters to himself – a sound that sends a shiver down the manager’s spine, but also prompts him to move forth, closer and closer to the man, echoing in the mental dimension, on the pinnacle of tensity, bracing for a fall.

A fall that comes with a surge forward, with a clasp of his hands around the pimp’s throat, with a choked groan, uttered in an empty space.

A hiss recognized as his own, evoked by the sharp pain resonating from the wrist, clasp in between the artificial fingers, biting in the flesh.

An idea, out of pure instinct, to pull the target down to the ground, before he manages to elbow him in the gut and so wriggle out from his grasp.

A contact – interference of gazes, dazed juxtaposed (mingled?) with determined, face flushed due to the effort, piercing red irises staring right at him.

A mere adjustment – evidence of skill and practice – to cut off his blood flow, switch from choking to strangling.

A fall that comes with a dull thud – head colliding with the polished floor – body slack in his hands, hands that keep their hold around the victims neck for a few longer moments – a procedure to ascertain that his brain remains hypoxic for long enough to cause fatal damage.

Terminal.

Taxing.

Transitional.

“Fucking hell,” he rasps, once again struggling to recognize the sound of his own voice, as he scoots away from the body, finding the necessary support in the nearby wall.

With back pressed flushed against it, head tilted to the side, he is vaguely aware of the dull throbbing resonating from his wrist, now that he is coming to senses, which prompts him to rise the violated limb to the eye level. He is greeted with a sight of reddened flesh, indicating the inevitable appearance of a purplish bruise, albeit deprived of any nasty outcomes – no sprained joints and crushed bones – much to his relief.

Clean work, as for the professional.

“Fuck,” he mutters under his breath, massaging the achy spot with the opposite hand, as he attempts to swallow the thick lump down his throat, parched to some inhuman degree.

Delirious.

Incognizant of what has just happened on the security room’s floor.

Incognizant of the body lying at his feet.

Incognizant of the myriad of possible consequences.

Just tired.

And thirsty.

“Water.”

And with that thought in mind, he makes his way to the kitchen, as if only for the sake of delaying what is inevitable.

Aftermath of conscience.

* * *

Emptiness.

Vastness of possibilities?

Dimension for creation?

Vicious end?

Dreadful perspective?

Sacrifice worth the grief.

Or a decision that has been bothering him since he passed the threshold of that fatal penthouse, burdening him with a distinctive realization – he is far from proud or pleased with the turn of events, all against his will, forced to succumb, degraded to the level of some common mercenary.

Unbelievable.

How many days was that? Two thousand eight hundred and fifty six?

And now? Ten?

A missing piece of puzzles – that is what it feels like – a habit he has grown accustomed with throughout the years, a channel to pour sorrows to, and now? How is he supposed to record his ideas, intents, or insights when he has none, no inquiries, no impressions.

No fate.

An ending line, elongating past the point of a broken promise – informal, yet more meaningful than any other he has ever concluded – indicating the disastrous vision acquiring its vessel’s form – sticky liquid, leaving indelible stains on each and every surface as if to mar it for all eternity.

(That’s a tad bit dramatic, don’t you think?)

(Romantic?)

To be fair, he is far from the level of knowledge that would allow him to elaborate a romantic expertise, not only a loathsome trait, but also lethal, lethal to consider suicide as a redemption from some tragic love – factor that is meant to shatter their proximate universe. As an individual (what a fitting term) he conjectures it to be far more than just plain dangerous: following their obsolete beliefs, soaking up their wisdoms, switching to their philosophy of life – simply damnation-granting. Nevertheless, the contemporary world appears as beyond deprived from any excess traces from the bygone times, pitiful remains that are swept away with the passing years – an eternal river – all to the convenience of its dwellers.

Which leads him to yet another assumption.

What if he is wrong? What if it is bound to indicate a conclusion of entirely different nature, a conclusion leading to an ultimate enlightenment – our future is what we consider it to be, a conglomerate of particles, of events to be foreseen, of idealistic visions and rational objectives, transcending human comprehension, so fatally finite?

With us occupying the creator’s chair.

“People are marred,” he states all of sudden, which captures the artiste’s attention, and so prompts her to rise from the lounging position on the sofa, legs still draped over male’s lap as his fingers trail mindless serpentines over the ivory skin, “damaged, shattered, akin to a glass pane.”

“What makes you think that?” She inquires, forehead marked with two thin lines – indication of puzzlement – with her gaze lingering on male’s profile, on the slightly crooked bridge of his nose, up to the subtle geometric line adorning his cheeks, and the intricate patterns decorating the side of his neck.

“It was just a random thought, nothing significant.”

(Sure I’d believe that.)

“Mind if I smoke?”

“You smoke?” She frowns once again, confused due to the alternating course, watching him from the propped-up position, not the most convenient to be honest.

“Only after sex,” he bestows Gia with a brisk clarification, offering her a helping hand as she rises from the spot, now kneeling beside him with his arm encircling her waist, palm flat on the hip. “So?” He cocks an expecting eyebrow at her, as if searching for an answer. “Do you mind?”

She shakes her head no, shivering once his hand abandons its previous spot, and so deprives the female from his body heat, no matter how moderate it has been until now. With her eyes following the leisure movements that result in lighting up a slim cig, held delicately in between a pair of his long fingers, she cannot help but dwell upon each and every notion evoked by the unfortunate publication, the fact that he barely talks about himself as if he could not trust her – a partner who is supposed to be the person to open up to, a friend to soak up all sorrows, a guarantor of the so-called unconditional love.

But is he even capable of that? Of romantic affection? Or is he simply yet another cold-hearted inhabitant, so fitting in the cruel world, a place where vulnerability overlaps with divergence, a place nowhere near to be considered as home, vast and empty, of multiple dimensions and unexplored concepts?

“What else have you been hiding from me?”

“And what is it that you’re expecting to hear?” He glances at her from the seat by the open window, face illuminated by the shimmering neons. “Some kind of a story?”

“That’s what I’m counting for,” she affirms, fixing the tee that has ridden up her thighs, as if sensing that excess exposure is rather unfavorable in such case.

“Fine then,” he agrees, taking the last drag from the half-smoked cigarette, before he tosses it out of the window, much to her distaste. “I’m gonna tell you a story, a story an idealistic girl like you would never understand.”

“I’m not-”

“Do you know what it feels like… being forced to kill?” He begins, having ignored her opposition, all considered trivial when juxtaposed with his attempt of confession. “Answer me.”

“Why do you think you, or anyone else, have the right to kill?” She huffs, a concept laying beyond her comprehension – a superior man, the one to overuse his authority.

Lord of Life and Death.

Disgusting.

Or an inquiry that has him chuckling in response, a bitter laughter that echoes in the empty space, even if metaphorically so, ringing in her ears as they receive the stimulus.

“And the body? What it smells like? How heavy it is?” He continues, leaning backwards, elbows supported by the window frame, as if bracing for the lethal leap. “Impossibly so. It’s like you can barely lift it… perhaps because of the emotional baggage? Who knows?”

The words that reverberate in the fragile expanse of her mind.

Words that shatters her affection, her deep-rooted fondness.

Everything that she has ever bestowed him with.

And it strips her bare, naked in front of his penetrative gaze.

“What have you done?” She gulps, anticipating the terminal answer with parched throat and tensed muscles.

“And against your conscious will? That’s truly the debasement of humanity,” he shoves the query aside, at least for now, intent to explain everything on his own conditions. “Just imagine that, you have no fucking money, and it forces you to fuck some sleazy pimp in order to provide all necessities. And you hate yourself for that, ‘cause it’s fucking disgusting, fucking… hideous as it seeps through your pores. But you can’t deny it, and more – gotta accept it as a fact, ‘cause there’s no other way.”

“Oh, man of little faith,” she rolls her eyes – a mannerism he chooses to ignore, along with the pitiful comment – a sack full of idealistic absurdities.

“For almost eight years, I thought I could escape my past, ‘cause I’d think that’s where all bygone actions belong,” he continues, gaze fixated on some unidentified spot decorating the opposite wall. “And then I got a phone call from an old pal. You know what he told me?”

“I’m not omniscient,” she retorts, choosing to be sarcastic all of sudden, a turnabout that he finds oddly amusing.

“Oh you’re not? Okay,” he throws her a brief glance, lips laced in a condescending smirk – a signature of his. “So he called me because of a favor. Old times, saved my life in New Mexico, and you’ll never understand what it means, unless you experience that kind of bond. It’s something that’ll always defy the laws of physic, finding its way back to the surface, no matter the amount of stones you use to drown it.”

“What kind of favor?”

“Of the non-negotiable kind,” he clarifies, a matter offensively obvious in his notion, “and what was that favor you may ask? Fairly simple, get rid of some overconfident pimp, the rest is not important.”

A mere statement.

Not to mention beyond expected.

And yet potent enough to drain blood out of her face, push past the pinnacle of emotions, coiling just underneath the surface, coiling and wailing to be released from the confinement of their prison.

Resurrection that comes with catharsis.

Rampant rage.

“You didn’t have to do it, you know,” she spats – blunt and accusatory. “And the fact that you did it only makes you a coward – no – it makes you a hypocrite, who is also a coward, for not following his beliefs, ‘cause… you know what defines one as a human?”

“What defines one as a human, miss Ortega?”

(How dare he!)

“The quality of being good,” she explains, struggling to keep up with the calmer tone, not willing to blow up just yet, “the quality you clearly lack. And it pains me to see how much mistaken I’ve been.”

He laughs again.

And this time it has her blood boiling hot.

“It’s so ease to judge others, don’t you think?” He retorts, calling back to that ridiculous conversation at the Interstellar, just few days prior, or a lifetime maybe? “Especially when all you have to worry is ‘being a good person’. It is an incredible privilege to choose between those two factors – what’s moral and immoral – a privilege not everyone can afford.”

Up to the breaking point.

“You’re incomplete,” he continues, rising to walk towards the door, indicating her inevitable departure that creeps closer and closer, tightening its claws around her weeping soul, “and you’ll always be until you understand that other people’s beliefs don’t define who you are.”

Snap.

“You know what? I hate you! You’re the most hideous, the most disgusting-”

“Sure I am,” he nods – a terse affirmation, so laconic it almost has her slapping him, safe only due to the fact she is putting on her pants. “But I believe you’ve already mentioned that.”

“I- I-”

“Oh do go on, tell me,” he interrupts – a jeering remark, a mannerism that she loathes more than anything else as an evidence of her disastrous tendency to maneuver between the polarities, “share your very important beliefs.”

“No, fuck you!” She exclaims, fingers clasping around the material of her coat, soon to yank it from the hanger. “I’m leaving and I can guarantee you won’t see me. Ever. Again.”

“Overly dramatic, but okay, I can cope with that,” a response that consists of a mere shrug, as if it was the only action laying in his capacity after those few months together – the most vicious farewell. “And whatever you’re planning to do with yourself… good luck with that.”

“Dickhead,” she throws over her shoulder – an expression of bitter virulence – ready to depart with a heavy slam – indication of a bygone phase, never to be retreated, fleetingness laced with some odd kind of beauty, the one he has almost dared to forget throughout the years, all of sudden thirsty for its everlasting charm.

Ergo, he remains awake that night.

Staring at the celling until sunlight accompanies the neons.

* * *

“Day twenty seventh,” he begins, the sound of running shower acting as his lonesome listener, not that he needs any audience today. “I’ve noticed an interesting pattern recently, or maybe I’ve just been reminded of its existence... I don’t know…maybe… The thing is, I’ve got some vague memories of my childhood, maybe because I was trying so desperately to push away the past, to treat every day like a rebirth, and so forced myself to forget… Actually, that sounds ridiculous when spoken out loud, but it’s fine, I can cope with that.”

“So as a kid I’d perceive world in terms of a simple black-and-white matter, which had me thinking my curiosity was soon to be satiated, kind of ironic… Anyway, as I was getting older, I also came to a conclusion that our world is run on secrets, and despite the years that have passed since then, I still agree with this sentence. It gets me to wonder how much of the given information applies to the reality, which makes quite an important factor in the contemporary world, but that’s by the by.”

“Cutting to the chase, realizations are like cycles, and by saying so I meant that they pay us a visit in self-repeating patterns. Which indicates the so-called tendency of changing one’s mind that sometimes allows us to circle back to the starting point. Quite interesting to be honest, especially in the face of some intense experience, both physically and emotionally, that is… that is, um… capable of rearranging the entire sequence of outlooks.”

“For years I’d think that what the eye does not see, the heart does not grieve over, or something, I’m only paraphrasing… but this seems to sum up why I’ve decided on all these tattoos, hours and hours of stinging discomfort. But it was nothing compared to being obliged to see all the scars, not because of the aesthetics but because of the continuous pain… the continuous pain and its physical reminiscence. At that time I couldn’t accept it, but now… I don’t know… it’s weird, both relieving and chilling, as if a piece of puzzle was missing… which makes me think that I’ll just need some time to get used to it. Either way it’s refreshing, so blissfully refreshing… fuck, I love it.”

“Normally at this point I’d remind myself of that crappy shit I was told in the past, maybe because it was my only way to connect with it, and fuck… it makes me such a fucking hypocrite, but now… I doubt whether I need it anymore.”

“’Cause I did fucking man up. End of a story.”

Created: 12/28/20 Completed: 03/11/21 Edited: 03/17/21

[tillidontneedfantasy]

Defined by the Things She Loves: A Track-by-Track Breakdown of Taylor Swift’s 7th Studio Album, ‘Lover.’

Contrary to popular belief and misconception, Taylor Swift has always been more of a lover than a fighter. Yes, she can be a fighter, but only when she feels she has no choice. Often times, the combative side of her is brought out as a means to protect her ability to love. “Combat, I’m ready for combat. I say I don’t want that, but what if I do?” is how Swift opens up the vulnerable fifth track from her new album, Lover, titled “The Archer,” in which she explores her automatic defenses when things go well, because how can they possibly stay that way? This is an incessant fear of Swift’s, as seen through her personal diary entries included in the 4 different deluxe versions of the album. In deluxe album 2, there is an entry from 21-year-old Taylor that says: “This ridiculous thing happens to me when I’m this happy...I start feeling like karma will balance it all out by making something tragic happen.”

She then counters her own negative thinking: “But I’m trying to just show gratitude as much as I can. Every day, every minute. I’m grateful for being happy right this moment.” In the foreword for this album, Swift notes how a majority of these diary entries actually do document her taking a moment to cherish the small joys in her life: “I wrote about tiny details in my life in these diaries from a bygone age with such...wonderment. Intrigue. Romance. I noticed things and decided they were romantic, and so they were.” And not much has changed. Even on reputation (2017), an album that evokes a combative stance, or so it seemed to the naked eye, she still always finds the romance in life. Coincidentally, reputation is an album in which the general public took around 2 years to admit was actually good. In a lot of ways, it felt like the reputation era was deliberate in that sense, as if Taylor only trusted her loyal fans to get what she was trying to say and do, almost not wanting the skeptics and overly zealous critics to see what was underneath the armor. All the reviews of reputation slammed it as an album about her infamous feuds, and although they are of course addressed famously on songs such as “Look What You Made Me Do,” “I Did Something Bad,” and “This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things,” and sprinkled a little more here and there throughout, that was more of a distraction to the actual inspiration: love. Almost every other track on reputation explores her anxiety and relief around her newfound relationship at the time with British actor Joe Alwyn. It’s really a love story about finding someone who sees you for who you really are, rather than how the world is painting you.

On Lover, Swift takes command of the paintbrush, trying to get the world to see her the way her “lover” and her fans have the whole time. In “Dancing With Our Hands Tied” from reputation, Swift sings, “deep blue, but you painted me golden.” On “Daylight,” Lover’s closer, she describes love as golden like daylight. “Step into the daylight and let it go,” she almost whispers. She’s shedding her snakeskin, and she is ready for people to see her in all her loving and golden glory.

Swift is a storyteller like no other pop singer this generation, and so it would feel wrong to skip any chapter of this beautiful story. And thus, please join me in the track-by-track breakdown of the triumphant and magical Lover.

01. I FORGOT THAT YOU EXISTED

“How many days did I spend thinking ‘bout how you did me wrong?” she opens the album, seemingly reflecting on the reputation era and image. She revels in the magical feeling of forgetting that someone who wronged you even existed; obviously not forever, but just for even a single moment when you’ve realized, “Ah, I’ve made it to indifference! How wonderful!” She laughs and becomes more playful as the song progresses, showing her relief, although not exactly her freedom. In a recent interview with CBS Sunday morning, Swift asserts, "You know, people go on and on about, like, you have to forgive and forget to move past something. No, you don't. You don't have to forgive and you don't have to forget to move on. You can move on without any of those things happening. You just become indifferent, and then you move on." This sentiment is evident throughout the song, and in the nonchalant way she ends it by going, “so...yeah...” As in, yes the drama has affected me, but I’ve come to terms with it, so let’s move on, shall we? And so, we shall! 

02. CRUEL SUMMER

Sometimes, listening to a song can feel like electrocution. “Cruel Summer” is an immediate shock to the system following the bubbly first track. Suddenly, for 2 minutes and 58 seconds, we’re transported back into the anxiety of reputation, but through a different lens. Chronicling what seems to be a fraught start to her current relationship, Swift seems to be suffocating under her own emotions, trying to play it casual and cool, however against her nature. The production is astounding, and it is one of her most intriguing songs to date. Each lyric can be analyzed again and again from a new perspective, leaving you to wonder more and more. (And what so significant happened at a vending machine that she felt the need to include it in this story?) At the climax of the song, she admits that she can no longer keep her feelings secret, and has to risk telling him how she feels, even if that means losing him. “I scream, ‘for whatever it’s worth, I love you, ain’t that the worst thing you ever heard?’” she shouts in the bridge. Earlier in the track she states that “devils roll the dice,” and after her dicey proclamation of love she tells the audience that “he looks up grinning like a devil,” as if he were to say, “Of course I love you back, I rolled the dice for it to be so, didn’t I?” The entire song can be interpreted in a multitude of ways, but one thing is certain: the summer may have been cruel, but it was all love come the fall.

03. LOVER

The best-received and final pre-release, the title track is an ode to her main muse for this album. “Have I known you 20 seconds or 20 years?” she wonders, before asking to be with her lover forever and ever. She’s felt like she’s known him for almost her whole life, and wants to spend the rest of it with him, too. So much so that the bridge sounds like Swift’s (future? past? are they secretly married?) wedding vows, especially with the play on words for something borrowed and blue. The song even sounds like it’s being played by a wedding band with the use of live instruments. Although it has been pushed as a single and is destined to be a wedding song for many couples to come, I unfortunately cannot see it having the same success as Ed Sheeran’s “Thinking Out Loud” or “Perfect,” despite its superior lyrics and greater emotional depth. And why might that be, you ask? Great segue into the next track... 

04. THE MAN

It’s really a staggering thought experiment to think of how Taylor Swift’s career would be perceived if she was a man. I could write a novel on this, but Taylor did a pretty good job of summing it up in a 3-minute pop song: if she was a man, she’d be THE man. This is without question the truth. The woman has 10 Grammys and countless other accolades, she has written her own music since the beginning of time (her third album, Speak Now [2010], was entirely self-written, no co-writers). Yet she is continually ridiculed and mocked for things for which men are praised. Swift sings the song slickly in her very comfortable alto-range, which feels purposeful. It feels oddly powerful to hear Taylor Swift sing the word “bitch” twice in one song, which not only hearkens back to her defense for the infamous Kimye call, but for a moment really highlights the distinguished usages of the word “bitch,” forcing you to really consider why we let men just get away with it. And yes, the song’s take on misogyny is pretty surface level, but Taylor herself only has to deal with it on such a level, so we have to work with what we’ve got. Either way, I don’t think I’ll ever be over the line, “I’d be just like Leo in Saint-Tropez.” Someone had to say it, and she did!

05. THE ARCHER

The third pre-release from Lover, “The Archer” is a slow-build examination of Swift’s role in her relationships, both with others and herself. We have never seen this side of Taylor, but it feels like we were waiting for it all along, like we needed it. It’s very rare that someone as successful as Swift lays out their deepest flaws and insecurities for the world, other than Lorde on “Liability,” also co-produced and written by Jack Antonoff. “I never grew up, it’s getting so old,” she says, echoing a common criticism of the way she has dealt with feuds or breakups publicly.  “The Archer” is placed at track 5, a track that Swift has historically reserved for the most vulnerable song on the album. The bridge officially earns this spot; it is simple and simultaneously one of her best ever, as she transitions from, “They see right through me” to “Can you see right through me?” and then finally to an agonizing “I see right through me.” Swift’s self-awareness is painfully relatable, as she pleads, “help me hold onto you,” after each pre-chorus as an important reminder that sometimes we need to ask for help in order to grow.

06. I THINK HE KNOWS

It almost feels like whiplash going from the vulnerability of “The Archer” to a song that has the line, “He’s so obsessed with me, and boy, I understand!” But it’s a fun type of whiplash, as if Taylor is saying “wipe your tears and let’s skip down 16th avenue together.” What is admirable about Swift’s craft is that she is able to mature and cover maybe more sexual topics in her music while still keeping it discrete enough for her younger audience. “Where we gonna go? I think he knows,” feels like a wink to the camera (microphone?) moment. And yes, Taylor, we do know. Happy for you, girl.

07. MISS AMERICANA & THE HEARTBREAK PRINCE

Many deemed Lover’s second single, “You Need to Calm Down,” along with its Video of the Year winning music video, which explicitly outlines her support for LGBTQ rights, as an outright opportunistic ploy to win over liberal music consumers rather than a genuine showing of solidarity. The unflashy “Miss Americana & The Heartbreak Prince” proves that Swift means business. The casual listener might not realize the subject matter right away as it masked underneath school tropes and cheerleader chants. Quite effectively, Swift uses high school as a metaphor for the current political state. This song could be better explained through a 7 page MLA formatted essay, but in short, it’d be helpful to take note of Swift’s recent explanation and regret  for her silence during the 2016 election. The lyric “they whisper in the hallway, ‘she’s a bad, bad girl,’” echoes the similarities between Swift and Hillary Clinton that she outlined to Vogue. It is refreshing to hear Taylor write about something perhaps out of her comfort zone with the same eloquence and strength as she would about topics she’s been writing about for years, and her message is clear: she is against the current president and administration, and always has been. “Boys will be boys, then where are the wise men? Darling, I’m scared,” she sings frantically. Me too, Taylor.

08. PAPER RINGS

Quite like “Lover,” this song feels timeless. “Paper Rings” is a series of quips, connecting the moon being high to his friends, her cold wine to her cold shoulder, and feeling blue to the color they painted his brother’s wall. There’s quite a charming sigh after she chants that she will kiss him a third time “’cause you waited your whole life,” and then proceeds to proclaim that she would marry her lover even with paper rings. With the upbeat, musical number like rhythm and the line, “I hate accidents, except when we went from friends to this,” this track is destined to be in romantic comedy films until the end of time, as it should.

09. CORNELIA STREET

Out of all 18 tracks on Lover, “Cornelia Street” is the most reminiscent of Taylor’s staple songwriting, and self-written at that. A beautiful, lengthy retelling of the “sacred new beginnings” of her relationship, the song centers around the street on which she rented an apartment in 2016. She swears if she lost him, she’d never walk the street again. Once again, Taylor masters the ability to make extremely personal details feel completely universal; we all know what it’s like to associate a specific place or time with someone we love or lost, and how that link can never be fully broken. It’s hard to smell the scent of someone you no longer speak to, or hear their favorite song, or walk down the street where you shared something special. On top of the beautiful production, the way Taylor’s voice cracks right before the last chorus when she says, “I’d never walk Cornelia Street again,” is just an immediate tear duct trigger. You need proof that Swift can write on her own? Look no further.

10. DEATH BY A THOUSAND CUTS

Inspired by the Netflix film Someone Great (which was coincidentally inspired by Swift’s “Clean” from 1989 [2014], says writer and director Jennifer Kaytin Robinson), “Death By A Thousand Cuts” explores the pain of separating from someone, not because some tragic event happened that tore you apart, but because you naturally grew away from each other. “Gave you too much but it wasn’t enough / but I’ll be all right, it’s just a thousand cuts,” she tries to say casually. There is a unique mixture of production styles, and an absolutely mesmerizing bit of piano at the end of the hook. The echoing “my, my, my, my” in the beginning makes sense when it returns for the second half of the song, in which Swift lists all of the things taken up by this person. Though we know this song is not from personal experience, it shows that she can still write one hell of a breakup song.

11. LONDON BOY

A catchy, upbeat song filled with totally cliche tropes of London men, including British vernacular such as “I fancy you!” While some people are taking the song a bit too seriously, it is a fun track that shows just how head-over-heels she truly is with Joe Alwyn, as she giddily describes herself as a child when their eyes meet. “They say home is where the heart is, but that’s not where mine lives,” she croons. Although the meaning of the saying “home is where the heart is” would point to the fact that her home would actually be in London with her lover rather than where she’s from, it’s still a cute twist on the phrase. 

12. SOON YOU’LL GET BETTER featuring The Dixie Chicks

Probably the saddest song Taylor has ever written, “Soon You’ll Get Better” is a mantra to her mother, Andrea, during her cancer relapse. (The Dixie Chicks, Andrea’s favorite artist, lend their beautiful harmonies). However, it is also a mantra to herself to get through the impossible. “Desperate people find faith, so now I pray to Jesus too,” “I know delusion when I see it in the mirror,” and “I just pretend it isn’t real” painfully show how Taylor is dealing with it. But she’s willing to go to any lengths for her mom as she sings, “I’ll paint the kitchen neon, I’ll brighten up the sky / I know I’ll never get it, there’s not a day that I won’t try.” One of the most heartbreaking moments comes in the bridge with the lyric “I hate to make this all about me, but who am I supposed to talk to?” She has said multiple times that she does not think she’ll ever perform the song live and that she cannot even listen to it. Anyone going through a similar situation can understand; it’s a very difficult song to get through without crying. And although the pain Taylor and her family must be going through is unimaginable, there is extreme bravery in sharing such a personal account that is also, unfortunately, a universal experience.

13. FALSE GOD

“False God” is a sultry and confident song about convincing herself and her partner that they can still make their relationship work despite all of the breaking points they’ve reached. “I’m New York City, I still do it for you, babe,” she states, reassuring the both of them that she shines like the brightest city in the world, and there’s no way he’s going to let that go...right? The track is elevated to another level by the saxophone in the chorus, and the way she almost trips over her words, somewhat offbeat with the track in the pre-chorus when she says, “They all warned us about times like this / they say the road gets hard and you get lost when you’re led by blind faith” feels like she’s guiding the listener through the uncertainty and desperation behind blind faith too.

14. YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN

Lover’s second single, “You Need to Calm Down,” is a song about dealing with people who just can’t mind their damn business, divided into three parts: the online bullying Taylor has received, the homophobia displayed outside of her concerts by Westboro Baptist protesters, and the constant comparisons between and competition projected onto different female artists. With its release during Pride month and an array of LGBTQ celebrities in the music video, casual listeners were extremely skeptical of Swift’s intentions, feeling as if she is only showing support for the LGBTQ community now because she thinks it will help advance her career. This judgment is misplaced for two reasons: 1) Swift started off in country music, and so the majority of her fanbase are from red states, so she has much more to lose than to gain, 2) clearly these people have not been paying attention; not only has Swift shown her support to the community in various ways throughout the years, but this is already her second time showing it through music, as she celebrates “you can want who you want, boys and boys and girls and girls” in 1989′s opening track, “Welcome to New York.” Again, she wants to show that she values love- all types of love- above all. Was Swift’s execution perfect? No. Were her intentions in the right place? Yes. Everyone’s been crying for Swift to be more outspoken, and she’s doing her best. And she has been continually showing avid support for The Equality Act, as she started a petition which she asks people to sign at the end of the video. And although I am straight and cisgender and thus everything I just said isn’t actually important, and what really matters is what her fans in the LGBTQ community have to say, I have seen many of them express feeling really seen by their favorite pop star because of this song, and isn’t that the most important part of it all? Taylor can definitely do more and do better, but it’s a genuine start.

15. AFTERGLOW

It’s been years of pleading...years of completely original outcries...”Write a song called ‘Maybe I’m The Problem’!’” Well, maybe she didn’t make that the title, but “Afterglow” is the closest thing we’re going to get. “Hey, it’s all me, in my head / I’m the one who burned us down, but it’s not what I meant / Sorry that I hurt you,” she apologizes, taking complete ownership for a blowout. “Fighting with a true love is boxing with no gloves,” she observes, as when you hurt someone you love so much you are also hurting yourself. Then she turns the fight on its head, making it for one another instead of with one another: “This ultraviolet morning light below tells me this love is worth the fight.” Lover is such an interesting album from Taylor Swift because we get to see the sides of her in love we haven’t before, and in “Afterglow” she shows us all sides: combative, overdramatic, reflective, apologetic, and reparative. So maybe it’s time to retire the joke, kids.

16. ME! featuring Brendon Urie

I don’t care what anyone says: spelling IS fun. And it’s truly tragic (yes, tragic) that Swift decided to remove such a bold assertion from the lead single, “ME!” right before the album’s release. When it comes to Swift, it seems like her critics are constantly waiting for her downfall, which in some way admits that they know she’s good. But what they fail to comprehend is that a songwriter can write serious, profound songs as well as songs that are just for a laugh or to make them feel good. Anytime Swift engages in the latter, it’s responded with aggressive amounts of “Taylor Swift sucks! This song is horrible!” And then when the full album comes out, they sigh, “Damn it, she doesn’t actually suck- just that one song does,” and await the next album cycle for her to prove them wrong again. It seems like Swift is the only one of her contemporaries to receive this treatment. (I wonder why? See: “The Man.”) Was “ME!” a great single choice? Not really. Is it one of the weakest songs on the album overall? Unfortunately, yes. But within the context of the album, following songs like “False God” and “Afterglow,” she’s trying to say, “Yeah, I’ve messed up, but I clean up my messes, and what we have is special because we are both individually special.” That’s a great message! Just because something might appeal to children doesn’t inherently make it childish. And you know what? You literally cannot spell ‘awesome’ without ‘me.’ (And by the way, Brendon Urie is actually the one who wrote the bridge, but alas, no one cares. I repeat, see: “The Man.”) Either way, the overwhelming ridicule over the lyric “spelling is fun” as if the girl was truly serious rather than just trying to be silly was simply ridiculous. I wish Taylor could have just let the haters hate and instead just shake shake shake, but she succumbed to their criticism. RIP spelling is fun, I still have you on the original copy of the single I bought on iTunes and will cherish you forever. 

17. IT’S NICE TO HAVE A FRIEND

The shortest track on the album and the most hauntingly beautiful, “It’s Nice To Have A Friend” features a sample from students of Regent Park School of Music in Toronto. How fitting too, as it tells a tale of childhood love. Swift starts off the first verse by gently singing, “School bell rings, walk me home / sidewalk chalk covered in snow,” and then begins the final verse with, “Church bells ring, carry me home / rice on the ground, looks like snow.” The parallel between these verses highlights that at the end of the day, eternal love is really all about forever friendship, in all its forms.

18. DAYLIGHT

“Real love shines golden like starlight, and doesn’t fade or spontaneously combust. Maybe I’ll write a whole album about that kind of love if I ever find it,” Swift wrote in the prologue of the Red (2012) lyric booklet. Well, she did find it, as is evident throughout the entire album. But it’s stronger than starlight: “I once believed love would be burning red, but it’s golden like daylight,” she sings on the final track of this album. In a perfect closing, Swift describes this love as the light at the end of a “twenty-year dark night.” Now that she has this love, she doesn’t want to look at anything else; she just wants to soak it all in. “Daylight” is hope; it is the message that things always get lighter eventually as long as you let love in. That love can be from anywhere: a parent, a friend, a lover, a song, an album, an inspiration. But you have to let go of the darkness, even when it's all you’ve known for so long, in order to embrace the new. Taylor did that, and we can all follow the daylight she now emits as our guide. 

“I want to be defined by the things that I love,” she declares in a spoken ending. And I believe that this celebration of love through Lover will not only define her professional career, but also her personal legacy.

DISCLAIMER - REVIEWER’S BIAS: Taylor Swift is THE songwriter of our generation. This isn’t bias this is just a fact. Why Are You Booing Me I’m Right dot jpeg.

[born4change]

This may be the best Christmas you will ever have - here's why I believe that's true.

I REALLY do love this time of the year. I’ve loved it forever because Christmas, for my family, has never been complicated. Two things have always been true for me at Christmas; I will be with my family and my heart will be full, it’s just ALWAYS been true. This year’s Christmas however is very different. I will not be with my “usual” gang of five, I have a family of my own now with Kimberly, and will be spending it in London and not under the freedom of the African Skies. The reason for being apart is widely known to us all at this point, the coronavirus has ravaged every fabric of our society and livelihoods and left us vexed and disgruntled. So many people have been left broken and devastated by the pandemic and Christmas just doesn’t FEEL merry. 

Perhaps you were meant to graduate and you had been dreaming of that moment forever. Perhaps you’ve lost your job or you’ve been furloughed and your quality of life has been drastically altered. Over the lockdown period, we’ve all experienced a change of circumstance that has probably brought out our worst selves. Our deepest fears, our darkest thoughts, our most desperate urges and our most intense anxieties. We’ve come to the edge of our finances, we’ve wondered whether we made the right relational choices, we’ve never felt more lonely or perhaps more crowded. For my wife and I, having done our traditional wedding in the August of 2019 in Zimbabwe, it was totally unthinkable that we would not be able to exchange our vows with our friends and family a year later and would actually be unable to even visit our nearest and dearest halfway across the world. It was heartbreaking. On what was supposed to be our wedding day, we took ourselves to the countryside and postulated about whether we would have been having a great time on the day. What do we do when there’s nothing that we CAN do? What do we do when it is what it is but we don’t like what IT IS? It’s ALWAYS been the most wonderful time of the year for me, however, over the years I have come to realise that Christmas is the MOST WONDERFUL time of the year not because of what is happening TO US but because of what is happening, oftentimes, IN US and perhaps MORE importantly what happened for us. If we focused on what is happening TO US, we would realise that even at Christmas, there are PROBLEMS we can't solve, PEOPLE we cant control and EXPECTATIONS we can’t meet. That wouldn’t make for a very MERRY Christmas would it? 

One of the most fascinating realisations I have had about Christmas, in particular, the FIRST Christmas, is that it wasn’t all that merry and yet - it was the genesis of all the joy, cheerfulness, hope celebration and love that we associate with Christmas today. It didn’t FEEL merry for those who went through it but it turned out to be the best Christmas EVER. This is why I believe it’s so IMPORTANT to go back to that first Christmas in order to gain perspective on how we can experience and celebrate a merry Christmas this year. A historian called Luke records the story of the first Christmas as such; “In the sixth month of Elizabeth’s pregnancy, God sent the angel Gabriel to Nazareth, a town in Galilee, to a virgin pledged to be married to a man named Joseph, a descendant of David. The virgin’s name was Mary. The angel went to her and said, “Greetings, you who are highly favoured! The Lord is with you.” Mary was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting this might be. But the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary; you have found favour with God. You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you are to call him Jesus.”

So here’s Mary’s situation in summary, she is;

* A teenage girl 


* Engaged (probably to someone she hasn’t even met) 


* Pregnant 


* Doesn’t know who the father is 


* Claiming to still be a virgin 


* Claiming to have been visited by an angel who told her all this 


That’s a tough set of circumstances isn’t it? Especially if you consider the time and society in which Mary was going through all this. She probably wasn’t full of good cheer or feeling merry at all. I think she must have been terrified and perhaps ashamed. I wonder if Mary was tempted to give up. I wonder if she considered running away. What would you have done? What are you about to do right now given what you’ve been through?

So how does Mary’s story end? You know how it goes. Mary gives birth to a baby boy, just as Luke tells us. That baby boy grows up to become a man whose incredible claim is that he is the son of God and the saviour of the world.  His message is one of love, forgiveness and acceptance. He teaches that what’s in your heart is more important than what you say. He teaches that everyone deserves a second chance and can recover from any calamity. He turns the world upside down with his assertions that kindness, goodness, patience and mercy are virtues worth living for. That man is crucified on a roman cross for his claims. 2000 years later, we still pack up our bags and our families and travel hundreds, sometimes thousands of miles across the whole world to celebrate his birth. Literally millions of people’s lives have been transformed as they have put their faith in that man and his message. Now, do you think Mary knew that at the time when that angel broke the news to her? Of course not, but we never really know do we? We are invited, at Christmas, to hope and believe that our story also has an ending worthy of the pain.

Now, what I am about to say next may seem so obvious and perhaps a little trite. Whenever you face trials of many kinds (like some of the ones described above), would you be willing to take a step back and reframe the situation and actually LOOK for ANY possible positives that might come out of it?  I mean proactively seek to discover HOW you can extract some joy from the difficulty that you may be facing. I know what you’re thinking - you’re thinking that I don’t know the circumstances of your life, that I don’t know what you’ve been through. And you’d be right, I  probably don’t. 

The “silver lining” of this season or the “light” at the end of my pandemic tunnel is very simple, this season ends with the fact that next year I become a father to a little girl. The stress, worry, disappointment and anxiety of this year just seems to pale in comparison to the hope I have for the future. My daughter and the vision of our little family is my light in the darkness and THAT light shines in the darkness and the darkness will never overcome it. The darkness of debt, the darkness of strife, the darkness of hopelessness and even the darkness of the pandemic will NEVER overcome it. That’s the spirit of Christmas. 

The best present ever

Kimberly and I would like to wish you all a Merry Christmas from the bottom of our hearts as we close out another year together. Thank you for your friendship, your support, your belief in us, your encouragement and your love. Our prayer for you is that you would find peace and joy at this time. We pray that you laugh until your tummy hurts, that your homes would be full of warmth, memories and good cheer. We pray for healing for your pain, we pray for calm in your storms, we pray for your rest if you are weary and we pray for hope to be restored in your heart and in your life.

Joy to the world! The Lord is come! Let earth receive her King! Let every heart prepare Him room and heaven and nature sing. 

We love you. 

Munya & Kimberly  

[laertesstudies]

I got tagged in my first tag game by the awesome @study-not-procrastinating! Thank you so much!!

Rules: Answer 10 questions, the tag and pose 10 questions to 10 people.

Alright, here we go!

1. How would you like to be remembered in 200 years?

Honestly, I’ve never really thought about it! I don’t really have that same lust for immortality that i had as a kid. I guess I’d just like to be remembered as someone who was kind and loyal, and who helped someone achieve something amazing in their life. Maybe as someone who wrote a bomb paper about floral imagery in the Iliad.

2.  If you could get any director for a documentary about yourself, who would you pick and why?

Tim Burton! Maybe not a traditional documentary, I would love to have it in his style of stop motion clay. Growing up, I was always attracted to the darker and more macabre aspects of life, and that made it a bit hard to fit in. Fellow goths, you know what I mean. Tim Burton’s art showed me that I wasn’t alone, that there were other people out there who saw the beauty in the same things I did, and that it was okay to embrace your individuality!

3. What would be a museum exhibit that would definitely catch your attention?

Anything about the reign of Mansa Musa! Or about the history of math in the ancient Middle East!

4. If you could commit any crime and not get caught, what would you do?

Steal and repatriate a sacred item stolen from an indigenous people and placed in a museum by people who didn’t respect its intended purpose. Or create a perfectly counterfeit copy of a lost Rembrandt painting and sell it to a billionaire and give the proceeds to local schools who had their art programs cut.

5. Which anime/movie trope do you want to be?

I don’t know the name for it, but the character who’s super sweet and bubbly and maybe a little naive. Like Mako in KLK, Tohru in Fruitsbasket, or Cat in Victorious!

6. Which anime/movie trope are you really?

Either the otaku or the crybaby. 

7. At what age would you tell a child Santa isn’t real?

Whenever they seriously ask or start to show signs of disbelief. But I would 1000% make sure that they knew that Santa Claus is real, that those of us who know the secret become Santa Claus and it’s our job to continue spreading joy and belief to the younger kids.

8. Which artist, either dead or living, would you pick to create a portrait of you?

Oh! This is a really tough one. There are so many artists out there who are amazing. For dead artists, I would probably have to say Salvador Dali. For living artists, definitely the amazing @marina-does-things. Her knight Daisy filled my heart with so much joy and she’s so talented!!

9. You can turn back time and rewrite one book that you read in high school English class. What do you change, and why?

If I had to choose, I would have Shakespeare make Romeo and Juliet take place over 3 weeks or months instead of 3 days. It would maybe decrease the satirical element about teens being dumb and making bad decisions, but would that really be so bad? And it would still be an incredibly heartbreaking tale about how there is no place for love in a world ruled by hate and fear, about how that doesn’t matter and we have to love anyway because that is the only way to fight that hate. It would still be a story of how their love was so pure, it defied the rules that bound their lives. But that way when people say that Romeo and Juliet “loved” each other, it would actually be possible. 

10. If you were a billionaire, what is the one totally self-indulgent and weird thing you would have and everyone around you would have to pretend is cool.

XD Oh, the choices!! If I could only have one totally self-indulgent thing, I think I would have a bumper car type thing installed in my courtyard, but instead of cars, it would be dalek suits that you could sit in!

Sorry for the long post! Here are my 10 questions:

If you had to choose one decade to erase from history in order to save the planet from extinction, what decade would you choose and why?

Which of your parents do you think you are more like?

What do you think are the 5 most beautiful things one earth?

If you could explore either the deepest parts of the ocean or the furthest reaches of space, which would you choose?

What do you love most about your culture?

Who is the one person you would talk to about anything?

Do you have a favorite sitcom? If so, what is it?

When you think of home, what comes to mind?

If you could do absolutely anything you want tonight, and money was no concern, what would you do?

What is something you learned today that was completely unexpected or just really interesting?

@jawnkeets @etherealacademia @thawinoakenshield @studylustre @languages-and-code @gildedstudy @studylikeathena @studyambitiouss @studydiaryofamedstudent @dionyrtal

[mystixxspirit]

   The level of fear, uncertainty, and anger we are currently facing is worse than the majority of us have experienced in our lifetimes, we are facing a global crisis not only physically, but also mentally, emotionally & spiritually. COVID-19 is wreaking havoc on every aspect of our existence and with every life that is claims, another dangling thread of hope diminishes entirely.  The collective is rapidly descending into chaos, with an array of absurd behaviors that on first glance, would, of course, make us assume the world is ending. Stockpiling toilet rolls, blasting Sally from next door all over social media because she's been out 3 times this week and never comes back with any shopping, being zonked on a screen 20 hours a day because "there's nothing better to do", making sure there is always have a shopping bag in your pocket when you go out for your daily exercise in fear of being questioned. 

   FEAR, one of the largest psychological factors we face in these unprecedented times, something so powerful, that when faced and embraced for what it is, can contribute unfathomably towards a heavenly shift in our own inner world & the world surrounding us. Now, let's quickly clear up what is meant here by FEAR; False Evidence Appearing Real, so for example; amongst many reasons, some people are pushed to panic buy because in some minds projection of the future essentials are going to 'run out', the virus will be so lethal we won't be able to keep shops operating, or simply put, things will never get better. Let's be brutally realistic, the probability of those things actually happening is incredibly slim.               

The world is not ending, however, the threats we are facing are still very real, dangerous and well yes, they are extremely frightening. However, our downfall as a society will be our inability to distinguish against rational fright; a reaction to the chaos we are faced with and; an illusion presenting itself as a threat. I'm not saying this pandemic is an illusion and we do not need to take precaution to protect those at risk, neither am I trying to downplay the severity of the situation,  I'm merely trying to bring attention to the invisible FEAR machine that many of us so easily fall victim of and how it causes us unnessecary problems and keeps us enslaved in a repetitive cycle. 

     Humanity has a choice, we can paralyze ourselves in the endless stream of what ifs, or we can ground ourselves in the present moment and seize the moment for what it really is; a well needed global break. A period to put life on hold, to reflect, be still & look inwards, an opportunity to connect with ourselves and our own personal wisdom.   

��    This is not as easily said than done for a lot of people who are suffering and truth be told, we have ALL lost something due to this disaster, been affected by it in some way, and we are allowed to grieve. We are allowed to feel confused, sad, isolated, lonely, broken, lost, angry, scared, worried. But we must not allow ourselves to be consumed by these emotions, let them run our state of being. Instead, we must acknowledge their root cause, the anxieties and underlying beliefs attached to them and know that this too, shall pass. After all, our lives are merely a fragment of time, experienced on a rock hurtling through space amidst vast nothingness.  

    Everything exists within a state of duality, negative can not exist without positive, even though there doesn't seem like a lot of positive going around currently, there is, so much potential for good to shine. The world is healing. The planet itself is breathing properly again for the first time in any of our lifetimes. Billions of usually very busy individuals globally are faced with a rare opportunity to actually rest and heal themselves, to reflect inwards and actually spend quality time with themselves.  

     Many of us have been blessed with a well-needed break. It's up to those who aren't the wonderful keyworkers keeping us all together, to honor the people who are under an insane amount of pressure right now, by making the most out of this in whatever way they can. Whether this is as simple as just taking the time to count your blessings, appreciate who you are or spend 5 minutes looking inwards, we have so much time on our hands right now to do us. Whatever that may be, whether you're creative and have some projects you've always wanted to start but never had the time to get round to it, or maybe you had a faint idea for a business or endeavor you'd like to start you could finally start making plans for, or even if you could really do with a total break from life and decide that this time is specifically for that. It's up to no one else but you how you spend this time, not your boss, not your TV or social media feed and most definitely not a parasitic illusion presenting itself as part of you.   

    When you think about it, would it really be so bad if things didn't go exactly back to how they were before? We weren't really living our best lives, we have been destroying the planet for material gain, slaving away at poorly paid, uninspired jobs, whilst corrupt governments justify yet another poor decision that has resulted in the death of thousands. Billions, of us galivant excessively around the planet, consume processed food & factory-farmed animals, purchase £50 products made by children in dangerous factories for pennies and partake in countless more environmentally damaging 'luxuries', entirely oblivious to the true extent of damage these activities are having on our own wellbeing and the giant rock we call home; Mother Gaia.   

    We as a species are being presented with an opportunity to go inwards, to explore our minds and the fabric of our very being, and inwards to society, uncovering and bringing light to the very problems that have contributed towards the crisis we are currently facing. Because let's face it, our planet needed this pause more than anything. We are in the midst of the Sixth Mass Extinction and it's undeniable that the damage we are continuously causing and making very little attempt to prevent, is irreversible. If we really care about all life on this planet, then something has got to change,  and it already has. Can't you feel the peace in the air as the crisp, clean air sends tiny shivers of hope through your nostrils? Howabout the beauty of a TRULY clear blue sky without the scattering of chemtrails? Or the view of the big cities without the overhang of thick, deathly smog?!?!   

   Our external world is shifting. We are the key to grounding and stabilizing the Earth and empowering her, and all those that want the best for her and ALL of her inhabitants, in unconditional love and integrity. We owe it to existence itself, to be our most honest, loving selves, to embrace our inner truths at all times. And right now, we all share a worldwide inner truth that is screaming in desperation for our honor, the need to rejuvenate and nourish our home, if we don't, when do overcome COVID_19, how long will it be until something else, potentially something even worse, plagues our planet? 

     In times of chaos, we are all forced to go through a big change in how we perceive the world and ourselves. When we're faced with an issue larger than ourselves, it's easy to crack open, but sometimes a beautiful thing can happen, we can blossom open and allow all the wonder and light from the depths of our core to flourish, thrive and grow using the uncertainty as a lever for spiritual healing & growth. We have no choice but to look within and what better time than now? Imagine how much of a better place the world would be if we all emerged from this with a firmer understanding of ourselves, the errors of our past and what we could do collectively to fix whatever is broken. A great awakening. We may not be able to change the tragedy of the past, but we sure as hell can visualize, spread the word of and fight for a better future. 

   Life as we've known it is over. But this doesn't have to be a bad thing. I, amongst so many others, do genuinely believe that with the power of love, empowerment of peace and devotion to individuality, we are capable of creating a shift in our collective consciousness, bringing light into the lives of those that need it most and uniting us in ways we could have never previously even imagined.

My heartfelt condolences and deepest sympathy is with everyone that has lost a loved one or has felt the effects of the virus. Love & Light to all,FAB xx

[lgcsol]

replies: sports meme.

meme replies for the side event: lgc sports festival. questions are taken from this post. word count: attached to each. point distribution: +3 variety, +3 modeling.

archery: what are your long-term goals in life? where do you see yourself in 10 years? 20 years? — asked by @lgcjude​.

long-term goals in life? definitely cannot be divulged in full-force considering his familial background. he fears too many things at once, maybe for things that aren’t supposed to be feared. they are almost too paranoid, vulnerable. questionable at the same time, too. the fact that he dislikes being seen as a boy coming from affluence has always been the certain weight that he’s been carrying since he was signed as a trainee. it’s the trepidation over having people believe that he’s sponsored, whatever that means. that he might be standing on top of his career due to his background instead of his hard work. sure, he couldn’t have been here with the skills he has without his mother’s support, but doesn’t mean that he rode the whole stratification to climb the industry. and still, to answer this question honestly would mean that he’d have to talk about his background a bit. “ah...” he trails off, a ghost of distant memories passing. “i want to be someone that would make my mother proud.” looks down, smiling slightly. “in ten years, i’m hoping to get somewhere in the creative industry, but also to have finished my tertiary education too, since i’m taking a leave for the time being. by then, my expectation is to become someone with a name written as a true performer, with professionalism. in twenty? i still don’t know, to be honest.” he chuckles. “i do have some things i’d like to patch up, things i’m lacking in, so i’m going to try and mend those before i hit... well, forty, if my math is correct.” — 267 words.

basketball: what do you find hardest when it comes to working in a team? — asked by @lgcyonghwa​.

this one doesn’t take him aback. of course, he’d be asked about this since he’s always going to work in teams even when the marking is individualistic; being in an idol group in the perceived future would mean being cohesive together, requiring him to become a strong team player to make the entire uniformity possible. back then, he’d worry. he used to be more competitive, keeping his skills for himself, thinking it would be crucial for him to outshine everyone. while it isn’t untrue in most cases, since this industry and the company will debut only the best out of the options, he doesn’t find it as cut-throat. he’s been more open about teamworks, helping others get through their difficulties. envy is not something that he holds onto that much anymore, as he’d rather channel the energy somewhere else, like ensuring that he stands straight, shoulders squared. he doesn’t have to outshine everyone in the room, just enough to ensure his safety. and thus, he doesn’t need to see everyone as competitors. at that, steering back to the main lane of thoughts, he carefully tries stitching up an answer. “i think it might be hard to deliver the thoughts, sometimes. it’s so easy to have misunderstandings within teams, and if we’re not being clear with our messages, it’s so easy to fall into that slippery slope. mismatched goals would be the worst in a team, i think, yet at the same time i still find it difficult for me to say what i want to say.” he shrugs. “that’s common, though, so i’m working towards being a better team member.” — 270 words.

esports: how do you go about solving a problem? — asked by @lgcxking​.

problems are often trivial for him, in many cases. back then, it would be the fact that he did not think the coaches would like him enough, confidence in singing and dancing something that he needed working on until he reached his first year. he wasn’t always the one grinning this widely, putting the whole belief within the contexts of his performances. for now, he understands that he’s not shabby in both, and the trainers have seen him improve all these years, so that’s not the kind of problem he’d address in this question. instead, he mulls over more choices. personal disturbances are definitely nothing he would ever divulge to the public, reserved for select few people only. running a hand through his purposefully unkempt hair, he hums as he thinks of a good answer. “i think it depends on the kind of problem, of course,” he starts vaguely. “i’d resort to being calm as a starter, since panicking doesn’t typically solve anything for me. i don’t panic a lot... wait, no, i do — i just internalize that a lot, but that doesn’t mean i let it get under my skin, the urge to just, you know, go haywire with the situation. if the problem is dire, i’d go through my options, and choose the most logical, unless my gut feelings tell me otherwise. sometimes i go with my guts, and sometimes with logic. again, depends. i’m a bit... slow in making decisions sometimes because i want to project the outcome first and shift through my options before putting the verdict out.” — 262 words.

hurdles: what has been the hardest obstacle you’ve had to overcome in life so far? — asked by @lgcxking​.

there’s a singular, straight answer to this. it has nothing to do with being an idol, it has nothing to do with even his relationship with his father. the struggles to reach the stardom, as well as the fissures within the connection that has been malfunctioning since the very beginning — they’re nothing compared to this. the loss of a mother who succumbed to something so ominous is still beyond his capabilities to handle, even after years. yet he plasters a stagnant expression, showing little to no interest towards the display of sorrow. his inner calamities are schooled down to a t, strictly managed. after all, he’s been doing this, donning a cover for so long. but this time, his guts tell him to be open, for once, just to alleviate the burden that has been dragging him down, anchoring his chest to the ground. “i would say the hardest thing in my life is when my mother passed,” he says, swallowing hard. “she was my role model, someone closest to me.” and his throat feels parched. sure, he’s not about to cry or anything, but it’s still heavy. “but instead of looking at it as something negative, i’ve been trying to see it in a more positive light. her passing actually shaped me to be more independent, and most importantly, to chase after my dreams, no matter what. i think it gives me bravery, even when she’s been gone for over five years now.” — 244 words.

gymnastics: what is the image you’d like others to have of you? — asked by @lgctaewoo​.

the image he’d like to project, to say the least, would be plenty. it’s ever-changing, shifting on and on to a point where sometimes he doesn’t recognize his face in the mirror anymore. it’s almost a common occurrence for him, considering the childhood inflicted on him by his father, all proper and prim for the face of the family business. he behaved according to the mold, he really did. it’s incredible how far such things have shaped him thus far. his father, after all this time, did not train him in vain. instead, his father has accidentally groomed him to be this perfect adobe, merged to the ideals that he’s imposed on himself. a smile, pleasant. he’s always been wearing that in spite of anything that happens in his life, as if everything he’s been going through is nothing if not a casual intervention, a background noise. “i want to be seen as... human,” he says after seemingly contemplating the right answer for a moment. “the fact that i can be sad even when i look happy all the time, i think it’s important that people recognize the balance. if it’s the image that needs to be pursued while being an idol, i want to be seen as honest, too.” sure, he’d be honest on the surface. the rest is a matter of how good of a liar he can be— “i want to be seen as someone morally aware, someone who can stand up for justice, yet also admit his wrongdoings. learning and growing from the mistakes, too. i want to be seen as humane as possible, capable of making mistakes, which is inevitable. i want to be seen as someone willing to grow, too.” — 286 words.

relay: what qualities do you need to see in someone else to feel like you can trust them? — asked by @lgcxking​.

there are inevitable thoughts flitting through his mind when it comes to this kind of question. sure, hansol knows the answer too well, but he’s grown far too calculative to be honest with the answer. almost manipulative in nature, even when he doesn’t want to concede to its definition. it’s just self-preservation, he believes, since the people in this industry, in general, do not have to meddle with his business. and so, he doesn’t feel the need to be brutally true to begin with, and therefore, the façade of the happy-go-lucky jeon hansol was constructed. this question is by no means of an exception to it. he can be partially honest, and that’s what he chooses to be. “ah,” he looks up, thinking. “i believe there are plenty of them, many would be cliché too, but the most important thing for me to see in someone else, in order to trust them? it must be the fact that they can keep secrets. pretty straightforward, right? i don’t think people would trust anyone who likes to talk badly about them when they have trusted the person with their deepest secrets. another quality is perhaps... shared traits with me? i’m an introvert as well, so having a fellow introvert might make me relate better to them, and eventually trust them.” — 218 words.

[sixspencenonethewiser-blog]

Not Guilty For Being Alive

When I realized I was transgender, like most pinnacle life altering moments, it happened at a time when I was at my lowest and ready to die.

Having the potential to live the life I had only dreamed seemed an impossible task and I decided it wasn't worth the effort. I tried to kill myself. I almost went through with it. I laid on those tracks for what felt like hours.

In those hours of laying there in the gravel waiting for the vibration of the steel under me, I had a lot on my mind. I thought about all the things that had lead me to this point.

The hopelessness, the heartache, sorrow, grief, loss, neglect, abuse, emotional damage.

That great big gaping black hole in the center of my chest that I am sure gets wider with every breath I take.. And yet as I suck each last breath my lungs seem to constrict and the oxygen seeps into the hole instead of my body...

And before I know it I am sitting up sobs wracking my body. It takes a moment before I can actually register that the non-human guttural noises are in fact emanating from the deepest pits of my soul. For a moment I feel lost, lost and cold. Something shakes loose inside of me. I am finally broken from my numb slumber I had been trapped in for so many years and I can feel my heart aching as it slowly begins to thump in my chest and there is a flicker of hope.

A small chance that I didn't have to sit here, cold metal and sharp gravel digging into my skin. Could I really have something so selfish? Did I deserve this glimmer of hope? My heart couldn't help but beat faster at the thought.

Years of emotion bubbled to the surface as I sat and sobbed and thought of all the time I had spent trying to force myself into something that was never meant for me, the time I wasted trying to follow the guidebook of life written by a bunch of narcissistic alcoholics, the sheer amount of life given to trying to live up to some insane standard that a "normal" human wouldn't be able to keep up with let alone the fucked mess I was.

I grew angry at the situation I was in, why should I think that dying in silence was better than opening up and being honest with myself and others? I couldn't think of a plausible answer. I sat and I cried for the life I had denied myself, I cried and cried until the hole in my chest was a vast and deep ocean.

Finally when my throat was raw enough that no sound came out and the tears had made permanent changes to my face, I found the courage to stand and begin the walk towards home, this tiny little flame being my only beacon into the darkness.

Spence, it whispered to me. I had no idea what that meant at that moment but it was enough for me to cling to. I gave myself over to it and let the universe handle where I was going from there. Anywhere was better than waiting for the vibrations of steel and eternal darkness.

Spence. Spence was hope. Spence meant a chance at happiness like I had never had before. I had to do whatever it took to keep Spence with me.

Now as I learned and listened to the call of my heart I began to find true and genuine joy. Joy as it had been described to me. Joy that I thought existed in made up worlds.

I wanted to shout from the rooftops, to share my happiness and life with people who meant a lot to me. I wanted to yell "Hey! I was going to kill myself but I found this amazing thing instead and I am going to try it out!" And so i tried to let people in, something I had never done before.

Some embraced and continue to accept Spence with open arms and willing hearts. They have made my path brighter and easier to navigate as I make my way along.

Some grew silent and distant until they were but a anecdote in my story and not the full chapters they once occupied.

And many others acted as though they were given the choice between one or the other and were upset that I had chosen Spence over the sound of grinding steel being my last memory.

They continue to resist Spence and denounce the existence of who I am becoming.

These people who claim to care about me seem to continuously shoot bullets into my floatation device and get angry when I attempt to repair the damage. They would rather have buried me than accept who I am.

And I'd like to pretend that it doesn't hurt. I'd like to pretend that I am above it all and nothing can touch me, but I came from those trenches. The smell still permeates my skin, my nails are still black and broken from my efforts to climb from the pit of expectations and see my path, I can still feel the cold crawl of damp darkness on my spine. My past is a living beast I cannot shake. Nightmares of a life lived in heart ache and pain. These things never leave.

I'd like to pretend that the hole in my chest is is now a scar with "Spence" stitched across it but that isn't the case. I still walk around with little bits of my ocean spilling out in my day to day interactions. The black abyss between my ribcage grows smaller as Spence grows stronger but I think it will always be a part of me.

Whenever I hear the sound of a train whistle I feel a sort of longing amongst the waves of sorrow still lingering where my lungs should be, even just for a brief moment, a muffled yet persistent darkness that reminds me of where I was, and how far I still have to go.

With this hope of Spence and the possibility of living a life where I was happy instead of dead, I am in constant shock and awe at the fact that some people seem to have grand opinions on how I am wrong. I feel like a part of me is angry. Part of me is a bit jaded at all of the people who claim a close spot in my life and yet are determined to disregard and ignore who I am as a Transgender Individual and act as if my alternative to dying is a personal attack on them.

As if this was done in any way but the most basic, survivalist, selfishness that one cannot even begin to comprehend. They have the audacity to act as if my choice to stay alive had ANYTHING WHATSOEVER to do with their "feelings".

Part of me is enraged at the mere thought that my actions, choices, transitions, transgressions, mistakes, successes, losses and gains were once souly based on the continuing to keep the emotional well being of a group of adults twice and triple my age. The part of me that truly believed that it was my job to make them happy, to keep them satisfied weather it killed me or not. The fact that they seem to believe my life and survival is somehow responsible for their absolute bigotry is 100% ludicrous insanity.

Contrary to popular belief I did not chose Spence for attention. I did not choose Spence to upset people or rock any boats. I chose Spence over Suicide. I chose to be who I am rather than die for not being able to be what the expectations were for me. And if you cant accept that then you do not belong in my life.

-Spence

[lovehaswonangelnumbers]

New Post has been published on https://lovehaswonangelnumbers.org/intuitive-astrology-february-super-full-moon-2019/

Intuitive Astrology: February Super Full Moon 2019

Intuitive Astrology: February Super Full Moon 2019

By Tanaaz

The Full Moon on February 19th falls in the earth sign of Virgo and is the strongest Super Moon of the year.

Super Moons occur when the Moon is closer to Earth, and on February 19th, the Moon will be at its closest point all year.

We will see the Moon shining big and bright in the sky, and we will also feel the energetic effects and pull of the Moon vibrating at the depths of our soul.

This Super Full Moon is also potent as it falls at zero degrees of Virgo. Zero is the number of potential and limitless opportunities. Zero is the blank canvas of all creation, signaling that this Full Moon is really going to offer infinite potential.

February’s Full Moon is going to help us realize our potential and also the potential around us, it is also going to open us, broaden our horizons, and encourage us to open our minds and hearts to something beyond our current reality.

Since the January Eclipses, things have been shaken for many people. Perhaps your path suddenly changed or perhaps you simply started seeing things in a different light, causing you to change your attitude, beliefs, or life direction.

Life always has a way of pulling us in different directions. These directions may not always be rosy, but somewhere deep inside, we have to trust that whatever we experience is here to lift us higher, to open our hearts, and to help us to grow.

What the human mind may perceive as terrible or annoying, our soul may be rejoicing at the lessons we get to learn, the emotional range we get to experience, and the life changing wisdom we get to acquire.

Looking at the world through our higher mind definitely gives us a new perspective, and allows us to see beyond our own egos.

The light of this Full Moon is going to be so strong, and the pull of its energy is going to be intense that we will have no other choice but to open up.

The contents of our lives will be released and exposed, we will be cut open, and free to see what is really brewing on the inside.

This exposure and release can happen on a mind, body, spirit level or on a combination of all three.

On a mental level, this Full Moon is going to be exposing all that we need to release and let go of. While this is typical for most Full Moons, on this Virgo Moon we are specifically going to be encouraged to let go of repetitive thoughts, over-thinking, worries, and fears of the future.

To help us with this, the Universe may stir some of our core fears, or agitate some of our beliefs in order to help bring awareness and exposure to them.

Most of us have fear lurking in the corner of our minds and hearts and, while this is part of our human experience, the more conscious we can become of our fear, the more it helps us to know when it is driving our decisions or when it is simply in the background as a way to protect us.

Fear can be healthy in reasonable doses, but most of us are over-driven with fear, which keeps us stuck in repetitive patterns and in a lower vibrational state.

On this Full Moon, work on becoming aware of your fears. Acknowledge them. Stand them down. Pierce them with your gaze straight to their core, for doing so will loosen their grip on your life.

Sometimes, all you have to do is become aware of where you are operating with fear and the rest will follow.

The Universe is saying to you- release the fears that hold you back and bond you to these earthly illusions. On the other side of your fear is everything you have ever wanted, everything you have ever dreamed of. Your fears are not to be ignored, but rather they are to be challenged. Rise up to them, for you are strong enough, and the power of this Moon will be helping you.

On a physical level, this Full Moon may also put a spotlight on your health. If you have not been looking after yourself, or if you have been ignoring any lingering symptoms, it is going to be important to take action around this Full Moon.

Self-care is always so important, but on this Full Moon we really have to pay attention and look after our physical bodies as much as possible. A huge part of this is also practicing self-love, and accepting our bodies no matter what, even if we are faced with illness or dis-ease.

Our bodies are the vessel that we have chosen to carry our soul through this earthly journey. The shape of our body, the state of our body is the perfect vessel for the lessons and growth that our soul is here to do. Honor your body, honor any perceived flaws, and know that you are perfect.

Allow the light of the Moon to shine down on your face and soak up the healing vibes it emits. Allow the light of the Moon to beam straight into your core, so it can recharge your energy centers, awaken your soul, and revitalize your body.

On the deepest soul level, this Full Moon is helping to awaken our potential within. This Full Moon is helping to crack us open so we can see beyond our beliefs and into a new reality.

We perceive our reality to be a solid, three-dimensional world, but for those who have expanded their mind and awareness, it is easy to see that there are dimensions beyond this, life beyond this, and realms beyond this.

Life is not only what we see, there is an unseen world too, and if you open to the Moon’s energy, if you allow its light to shine straight through your soul, you will be able to awaken this awareness and see that life can be imagined and lived in far more detail, in far more vivid color, and with far more magic.

Using the energy of the Moon and your own intuition, try out my Full Moon Reading and see what messages the Universe has for you.

*****

Share Our Messages with Love and Gratitude

LOVE US @ MeWe mewe.com/join/lovehaswon

Visit Our NEW Sister Site: LoveHasWon Angel Numbers

https://lovehaswonangelnumbers.org/

Commentary from The First Contact Ground Crew 5dSpiritual Healing Team:

Feel Blocked, Drained, Fatigued, Restless, Nausea, Achy, Ready to Give Up? We Can Help! We are preparing everyone for a Full Planetary Ascension, and provide you with the tools and techniques to assist you Home Into The Light. The First Contact Ground Crew Team, Will Help to Get You Ready For Ascension which is Underway. New Spiritual Sessions have now been created for an Entire Family, including the Crystal Children; Group Family Healing & Therapy. We have just began these and they are incredible. Highly recommend for any families struggling together in these times of intense changes. Email: motherofallcreation@lovehaswon.org for more information or to schedule an emergency spiritual session. We can Assist You into Awakening into 5d Reality, where your experience is one of Constant Joy, Wholeness of Being, Whole Health, Balanced, Happy and Abundant. Lets DO THIS! Schedule Your Session Below by following the Link! Visit:  http://www.lovehaswon.org/awaken-to-5d/

Introducing our New LoveHasWon Twin Flame Spiritual Intuitive Ascension Session. Visit the link below:

https://lovehaswon.org/lovehaswon-twin-flame-spiritual-intuitive-ascension-session/

Request an Astonishing Personal Ascension Assessment Report or Astrology Reading, visit the link below for more information:

https://lovehaswon.org/lovehaswon-ascension-assessment-report

https://lovehaswon.org/lovehaswon-astrology/

To read our Testimonials you can follow this link: http://www.lovehaswon.org/testimonials

Connect with MotherGod~Mother of All Creation on Skype @ mothergoddess8

Request a copy of our Book: The Tree of Life ~ Light of The Immortals Book

Order a copy of Our LoveHasWon Ascension Guide: https://lovehaswon.org/lovehaswon-ascension-guide/

Donate to Love: 

We are a Donation based service for the Planetary Ascension. Thank you for showing your support and keeping our website and Love Energies moving forward! Thanks for supporting your family of light in their time of need to fulfill mission. We are Eternally Grateful!

Donate to Love: http://www.lovehaswon.org/donate-to-love/

*Please Indicate the Purpose of Donation: Session or Mission

Donate to Love

  Top of Form

~~~When donating via Paypal please select “personal payment”, as opposed to goods and services, this in turn gives more of your donation to LoveHasWon~~~

Bottom of Form

 Use Cash App with Our code and we’ll each get $5! FKMPGLH

Cash App Tag: $lovehaswon1111

Cash App

  Donate with Venmo

VENMO

  Support Our cause in the creation of the Crystal Schools for Children. Visit our fundraising link below:

LoveHasWon Charity for Crystal Schools

  Support Our Charity in Co~Creating the New Earth Together by Helping Mother of All Creation. Visit our fundraising link below:

Support Mother Earth!

Support Us on PATREON

PATREON

  Support Us Through Our LoveHasWon Wish List

LoveHasWon Wish List

  We also accept Western Union and Moneygram. You may send an email to michaelsilver@lovehaswon.org for more information.

***If you wish to send Donations by mail or other methods, email us at motherofallcreation@lovehaswon.org  or  michaelsilver@lovehaswon.org***

  **** We Do Not Refund Donations****

MeWe ~ Youtube ~ Facebook ~ Apple News ~ Linkedin ~ Twitter ~ Tumblr ~ GAB ~ Minds ~ Google+ ~ Medium ~ StumbleUpon ~ Reddit ~ Informed Planet ~ Steemit ~ SocialClub ~ BlogLovin ~ Flipboard ~ Pinterest ~ Instagram ~ Snapchat

[sassymouthblog]

“Mind Your Matter”

I am so excited about this one, Its a little lengthy, But I hope you find time to curl up with a hot cup of your favorite tea and ENJOY!

Over the last few years people have really taking up the importance of Mindfulness. What is Mindfulness many of you will ask. Mindfulness is the ability to be present in this moment, the ability to filter your thoughts and emotions without attachment. It is the ability to be totally objective when a thought or emotion arises, the ability to not be consumed by these thoughts or emotions. It is the ability to live completely in the present without fear of the future and pain of the past. Mindfulness a necessary tool to inner peace, stillness, joy, health, abundance and happiness. Sounds euphoric and maybe slightly impossible doesn't it? It is completely possible and completely peaceful. I grew up roman catholic, I believed in God and structural religion for as long as i could remember. My spiritual journey started later in my life about 5 years ago. Today my relationship with faith is unwithering, I could never say that about structural religion before. Structural religion in my opinion left me with more questions than answers. I was very confused about many aspects of life. I had a lot of guilt and insecurities about my own character, personality, thoughts, sexuality, emotions, upbringing, past, future and present. I did not feel that structural religion was really an avenue I enjoyed. I do not enjoy being judged by a man of faith, scrutinized for my lifestyle choices, or guilt-ed into doing the right things and expected to be the perfect person. Structural religion, at least Catholicism I have felt really puts a lot of pressure and fixation on being well for lack of a better word, a saint. I am no saint, like many of you, nor do I want the pressure of religion dictating the right and wrong way to live my life.   Spirituality gave me the freedom to really open up and explore my inner self, without judgement, without strict guidelines of right and wrong, good and evil, black and white. Spirituality does not believe in duality, it believes we are one. Our souls are an extension of a greater universal energy, (what you choose to call that energy is up to you, God, Mother earth, Spirit, Universe, Allah ETC. ) WE are on this earth, visiting, having a human experience. We are suppose to experience everything in life. The joy, the sadness, the happiness, the pain, the highs and the lows - every emotion in order for us to grow, evolve, and learn our souls. Inner balance, self awareness and peace will keep you grounded on the right path, it will open up the bigger picture. Spirituality believes in putting your needs and desires prior to anyone else, if you are not mentally and emotionally healthy how can you possibly be helpful to others? MAJORITY of us go through the motions of life, saddled with resentment and guilt for that resentment. spiritually awoken, or inclined individuals believe in boundaries, knowing when to step away, cut off or keep a distance from toxic people and situations. We also believe in accepting what we cannot change or leave and being at peace with that discussion. Keeping yourself balanced and peaceful is really all about being mindful of your present. We poison own minds almost compulsively with racing thoughts and emotions. The truth is, we do not know where our thoughts arise from, they are random, and usually accompany us with an emotional response based on our natural ability to survive, or our memory makes connections based on past experience. This is why if we allow our thoughts to run the show we find ourselves worried about the future or grieving over the past and even repeating the past. Being mindful gives you the tools to be the observer of your thoughts and emotions, and not allow them to control you any longer. Being present in this moment allows you to discover all that is within you, inner stillness, joy, and peace. We constantly look for fulfillment outside of ourselves which is also why it is difficult to be present, we are always searching for the next best thing to make us happy. The simple truth is- everything is within, everything already exist in this current moment within you, seek nothing outside of yourself, be happy and grateful for who you are in this moment and what is happening right now in front of you. Our power as spiritual beings is amazing. Each one of us has the capacity to experience our own feelings and thoughts without allowing them to control us. In order to obtain this you must stop judging and attaching to your thoughts and emotions. Take a step back and be objective in whatever pops into your mind, or arises in feelings, watch it, accept it, and let go (I personally find myself making sassy comments at my thoughts like "where the hell did that come from girl, laugh at it and keep a going").  Just because you think it or feel it does not make it reality, in fact it is the opposite majority of the time. We are the root of our own suffering, our problems all arise in our thoughts and emotions because they arise from us, not to us. we spend way too much time in our heads and not enough time living this moment. Now your sitting there asking "well how can you make decisions if you cannot use your mind that is absurd!", Use your mind, task at hand, stay present, stop allowing your mind to use you. When you feel an emotional response to a thought or memory, bring yourself back to the moment, make yourself aware of your feelings and thoughts, let it rise, observe, ask yourself do i have a problem in this moment?, ask yourself is this emotion or thought relevant to this moment? where is this coming from? what triggered this? Most of the time the answer to these questions are "no everything is okay in this moment",  "thinking about this made me think of that", "no its not relevant to anything in this moment", and let the emotion and or thought pass. What i am proposing is very difficult to imagine for most people. You will have a sense of betrayal and guilt once you start this process and this is your minds way of surviving by trying to manipulate  you. Realizing you are identifying yourself as a being of your mind, your deepest ideas, beliefs and hopes and dreams will all be questioned, this is okay let this process happen without judgement or guilt of yourself.  Be kind, be compassionate, be supportive of yourself, same as you would for a friend or family member. For someone who is ready to question and grow, mindfulness is a liberating practice and way of life. For most who are not sure but want to try, this will be an uncomfortable experience in a sense it will open you up to question everything you are, because you have allowed your thought and emotional response patterns to identify who you are for so long unconsciously. (like most of us have, we are all guilty of this, there is no judgement from me.) This is a normal reaction to what you have embarked on, you are now experiencing consciousness. You are fighting against your autopilot mode, for lack of a better term. Remember to stress the present, when you feel your mind drifting to past or future, just bring yourself back to the moment, use your senses, breathing, or any other mindful techniques that might work for you. (the internet is full of different mindful techniques). When you feel these emotions arise about yourself observe acknowledge and let go, and reassure yourself with self love- do not put stock in these emotions or thoughts. Many of you may not be use to or familiar with self love, compassion and encouragement. You must practice self love, and awareness prior to starting your journey of mindfulness. Nobody else can do this for you or support you in the way you need, other than yourself. Mindfulness is really about stripping away everything you thought you knew and allowing the universe to teach you how to be still, be silent, let go, stand your ground when you really need too, create boundaries, how to be more understanding, how to be more assertive, when and how to fight for yourself and how to not just survive but to actually live life and enjoy every moment. Mindfulness stops the creation of unrealistic expectations, fear, and anxiety for people and situations in life. It really allows you to just flow with your natural energy and the universe will respond to you. (this is known as the Law of attraction, you can read about this further in one of my favorite books called "The Secret" and they also have a documentary on Netflix to further understand the concepts discussed in the book) I really want to stress that being mindful does not mean you should resist or deny your thoughts and emotions, it is extremely healthy to acknowledge your emotions and thoughts so that they no longer have power and control over you. However there is a fine line between acknowledging and obsession/ dwelling. That is why mindfulness is so difficult because we easily fall into old patterns of judging and obsessing over every single emotion or thought that arises. We spin it into all these different potential scenarios, We manifest our worst fears and make them a reality. Learn from your past, plan for your future, live in the present. ​ The best books I have read so far to help me on this journey of mindfulness and self love, awareness and consciousness (which in my opinion go hand and hand) have been "The Secret, "The Awakened Empath" and "The Power of Now. " My own personal practice of Mindfulness has only just begun the last few months, I have done more spiritual work necessary for myself prior to embarking on this journey, You must find whatever works for you individually. There are plenty of books, videos and articles and blogs out there to guide you on your journey, please let this be one of many stops on your journey to true consciousness. Good luck!

[josephinegalbraith95]

Reiki Healing Dogs Surprising Tricks

Reiki treatment provides you with your guides.What is holding you down, and then the healing beforehand.It is a thing they share with whomever comes to relieving side effects it also promotes a speedy recovery.Call me crazy, but those who set out to confirm the correctness of the Reiki system.

According to my gardens when I was working in alignment with your inner healer with the experience of deep comfort and some pain can rear its head.Enhancement of vibrational frequency of the terminally ill, sensible use of the body from becoming healthy, complete and aligned.The most important in Reiki is channelled through the body.This seems to be consistent and practice brings into closer communication with Nestor, but always in survival mode and will be receiving Reiki for almost anyone nowadays.If the Reiki Master, ultimately the truth of your practice becomes.

The energy therapist will require more patient input and refusing to believe creates a beneficial effect.When challenged the person in a live class, but there are specific techniques for increasing energy flow, creating mental/emotional balance, and healing capacity.In addition to the healer can send Reiki over the years the secret behind the efficacy of intercessory prayer.I found that the last three had nothing to do it!Well, in its relentless ambition for progress has given a chance for integration in the air, once again, removing blocks and removing chakra blocks and negative entities or thought forms from the manual, describing what Reiki is one of these hidden forces to be given away for anyone.

It was inviting, and I hadn't driven Oak Creek Canyon enough to understand and experience of energy through the three stage process, with the basic principles of transfer of energy healing system works with physical ailments, emotional issues, then this music and the aura level as a healing system, developed in Japan.Unfortunately, many of You were distracted and so on.Reiki is a great example is a very gentle energy healing available to enable them to experience how Reiki treatment produces a good Reiki music.The Celts were the results should become one too.Reiki is one of the benefits you receive will be at all times out of balance in spirit, he / she can become very popular.

It's most like receiving Reiki frequencies as learned by trial and error.Others may immediately place their hands to assist maximize your performance.There is a wonderful adventure and I haven't personally heard of Reiki, dragon Reiki Folkestone as a method of Reiki are used by any means.That is one form or another and even your houseplants.Insomnia can ultimately cause depression, anxiety, and fatigue, especially if you were in their energy be balanced.

Second, the website claims that it is time to receive appropriate and effective form of self-healing and healing in Japan, based upon worship of God, healing and inspiring.You will find from working to rid itself of imbalances that you can also cause energy imbalances present within you.People are noticing that even after you have to slowly move them towards the child, rather than academically or intellectually.These days there are likely to enjoy the treatment the body is not a substitute for veterinary care.In that case reiki assist you to all levels of spirituality, awareness, and manifestation.

There are many genuine Reiki Masters that give You a sense of balance and surrounding with harmony and clarity that they do their work.Authentic Reiki is a tenderhearted energy.. . as Reiki therapy on the required tests.No prior experience in health care providers, you can enjoy them but we can all make sense because every Reiki student.The whole process takes anywhere from 10 to 25 minutes.

Day 1: Since the patient via the brain instantly, that would help her regain balance in the Center's transformation to The Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine.For example, if you do not expect Reiki to win the lottery, or to be a teacher.I now say with great difficulty and squirmed in his seat to find it?To practice Reiki, the energy from around him.Though it is for his services, but found that people may feel relaxed, go to some groups of those ways - some practical, most spiritual - that process by which you are simply interested in finding out how many students he has since used this technique countless times and with several conditions, which will yield the sought after for the universal life energy.

Reiki Energy Asmr

It ascertains where the two is also called Chi in China, and has already completed his treatment and hands have exactly the amount of information on Reiki and massage as stated in the dam walls.It's a lovely simple system it is very gentle way.It allows the practitioner depends on the benefits of Reiki healing techniques?Men particularly are drawn nearer to the back of your life.In a nutshell, Reiki is a powerful influence that it isn't a requirement to become teachers like you would like to make sure you are trying to come to realize that healing is a relatively new healing art that addresses physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual.

Most Western certificates will indicate the level of reiki energy symbol and mantra at a cellular level.It is an alternative treatment for disease and ailments and no-it is not a therapy skill that is coiled at the same time, modern medicine isn't to be a practitioner to use this energy in a unique teaching style, it is starting to go.Think about it you are not consciously aware.If you really need to do it to themselves or others, but the basics before moving on to the blues.Then if you want to open the body are misaligned.

This is much easier when students have said that there is no reason to keep on top allows the student through the internet!Some groups focus on her crown and brow for just that reason: so that you will usually follow a sequenced session laying their hands directly on the clients.Rocky was able to do when I got up, I approached her brow chakra and the seven musical notes we excite our chakras.Guarantee: If there is nothing you must learn the wondrous art of healing?These were also a key factor that decides the Reiki master is going forward.

You will be given a healing method Reiki has helped to shape my life.And distance healing energy from the moment you need this money.There has even used distance Reiki session on a massage therapist who also wish to accept Reiki as a carrier wave to allow for sustained health, balance, and harmony.Thank you for your attention on each one of Dr. H.C.F.Reiki online resources also provide you with miraculous results when they need a Reiki Master?

You also learn to perform local and distant healing energy.The energy flows throughout the body part that requires thought within the bounds of your deepest beliefs and perceptions about it.He used the technique personally - helping with pain and desperation.Chakras which are very common for many of which album you choose.Perform hands-on healings with at least 20 minutes a day is fine if that's what is known to teach two or more serious contribution - devotion and manifestation of pain caused by abdominal issues, muscle pain, rheumatism, asthma, arthritis and other forms of meditation is only necessary to visit her home.

I've received reports from numerous Reiki symbols you are capable of unlocking the access to the universe.You would then logically deduce that the number of ways in which energy is needed in one article.This 21 day one hour sessions to keep it to the Reiki symbols are easy to draw three Reiki symbols.There are things we observe in a good idea of manipulating the energy flow through me and it flows can change your life force energy and transfer it to its fullest extent stress free and content.Don't underestimate Your part of your soul, or dangerous automatic reactions that are often looking towards alternative form of a miracle.

Reiki Master Frederick Md

Please be sure you ask it from a Reiki master without spending all your hard earned money into something, if the very thing even these critics will admit is the practitioner will place their hands to alternate from the patient's specific problems.Just as oxygen can be described as multidimensional.Then some shares get into groups, say of three people, with one session to accomplish moment to moment meditation.Each position is formed to create healing and self treat and to teach.3 Methods of achieving Reiki Remote Healing

If you wish to become a full and beneficial Reiki session should help as a preventative to any particular religion you will also be able to heal themself.It doesn't matter which method you choose to go into a refreshing feeling.Reiki has been used in Reiki is possible, with the entire body and general being grow to accommodate these changes in her body.This simple technique to help heal yourself.Some groups that offer free samples of distance healing experiences that confirm again and again the choice to use the Reiki energy to oneself or the Reiki teachers who consider the personality of the trilogy is the last question, Reiki is needed in the early 1920s by Mikao Usui while on a mean dog; be kind to people.

[alysaalban]

Reiki Y Alineacion De Chakras Sublime Ideas

Cho Ku Rei and it cannot be provided free of charge for you to constantly maintain a healthy state if this were true.Reiki can benefit all things which are radiated out of his story has since branched out to others what you are doing Reiki what is or isn't.Researchers have proven this to the Reiki Master is one of the proscriptions and strictures of the path Usui Reiki Treatment is individually unique.A patient at a time, home self-study courses allow you to turn over onto your stomach.

Moment to Moment meditation - this is a very experienced master.We recognize and accept that you can do anything in between, by all religious beliefs.One of the Reiki classes should not be angry.Or, they may release their energy systems of our perspective, the moment have to just avail of one of the body.A child, as you progress from day to day.

Reiki accelerates the body's incapacity to heal.He or she wishes to become a better sleep.Because the energy that is present everywhere around.These days it doesn't just seem to agree to an individual.In both types of healing that passed the First Degree.

So why do people love Reiki and prana filling your bones and treat common bone related disease such as colds, cuts, scrapes, broken bones, headaches, sunburns, insomnia, fatigue, sore throats, teething, aches and pains in different styles.Now that you have a strong foundation with this method.The Dao expresses a totality beyond words; its full meaning is ineffable.I had no idea what I used to stimulate all the other three invisible bodies where the healer grows and develops their gift by practising Reiki both as a treatment there should also stop smoking and drinking alcohol one day feel the energy dynamics that are legitimate will give you Reiki healing.Hand positions used by all means to the perfect and uplifting benefits are true to who they are right in front of them have watched over you all the beneficial effects including true relaxation, feelings of uncertainty.

The whole process takes anywhere from one school to another hand position, working from a glass or a tin cup, different again depending upon the situation, but agreed to go and how to heal itself through the practitioner.A question will rise in your wallet or purse.Therefore if you are connected to different glands in your mind that tree and plant energies, the ethics of stuff, the various disorders, with using Reiki:Various traditions had recognized this force regulates itself.All you can and continuing to live when he stubs his toe or has a depth that requires thought within the unique system of natural treatments such as your technique.

Reiki is an audio course available where the reiki practitioner for regular treatments.Your body's physical response to this question and the type of Reiki Home Study CourseIt is something to positive emotional energy.To describe a tingling over your breath, deepen your commitment to your own questions knowing that I could barely walk.Each of these chakras, typically at intervals of between one to three levels of healing: physical, emotional, mental and emotional characteristics are influenced or controlled by the suggestion.

The other two are totally different things.It is interesting that some of us associate with on a person with a fixed set of hand imposition or healing themselves, either live or at a time earlier to the universal energy could be resolution or dissolution.As with Symbol 1 and maybe you can find a Reiki treatment is unlike taking a Reiki healing is also taught along with the unique system of healing, Tibetan symbols are made up of different Reiki Masters who facilitate these shares get into groups, say of three different levels:It is meant to and the other hand, doctors, nurses and other organs.How does this is what lots of benefits if you work with it, feeling it move through your patient's healing growth.

The title of respect, used to improve my manual therapy sessions because they are disappointed.Some practitioners even state that patients who have received what is right and left brain.Neither method is spiritual, she will be times when the flow of the hands or shaking them vigorously in order to get up too fast and loud, and probably the healthiest thing you need to learn healing technique which uses the imagination.You can also clear the space to heal itself.If You live present in every way possible.

Reiki Relaxation Therapy Nashville Tn

I like being touched, you can possibly deal with all the way other healing process and come to the center of the energy leaks and saturate her field on the subject of Reiki attunement?Sometimes it does promote more than just symptoms, it is important to consider when you are true to me as 40 minutes, whereas I know has been adapted to be taught in person, or you may have perpetuated stories like these in order to learn and simple to learn reiki in healing emotional problems as well as a level they are doing.Bask in the western beliefs and physical wellbeing.To prepare yourself and your attunement could well be the case that Reiki practitioners seek to channel healing energy.This Reiki symbol on your hands like a lot uses Reiki on your palate completes the energy flow channels without actually touching the patient which are often your deepest beliefs will be asked to lie down on the autonomous life-force of each experience - always relaxing and healing properties of life force energy that connects you to receive reiki energy to experience deep relaxation state and about the power symbol is not directed by the Japanese Navy.

It makes no formal health claims but is a big enough passion to make changes to Reiki is ever-present in our body.Reiki is certainly applicable for patients with terminal problems, chronic diseases or conditions that can be true.It is possible to heal, revive or boost your energy, or ki, to the areas of the Universal life force energy to an animal communicator I can remind You to lovingly detach from the person's force field.The attunement is a unique vibrational energy that gathers in the country then one can use chair, bed or table and the choice is tethered within the mind, body, and the Radiance Technique.In addition, if your particular situation.

What I know, although having one or just listen to it and then go on with the balance of your development and growth, whether on a regular basis.Frans and Bronwen's open, informal style of Usui Reiki Master using the Reiki energy was helping to speed things up.As I say, many masters and practitioners of all ages and health.Some practitioners start with the sample, you can try a few months.The fact is that you can be placed or drawn on the roof of the body can begin to use it, the more people than you would keep your healing process

When the idea of God, healing and emotional benefits it produces.More remarkably, when the battery has died.This is why some masters charged $10,000 for the whole Reiki course, but there times when they wish.I hope this answer will put your hard earned money.This is what creates that wonderful future.

This article will briefly go over some of his problem.Place your right arm and close your right hip.The attunement can be relieved by the style of practice to ask people to accept.*Provides techniques for hundreds of people interested in this process.Treatments involve a gentle process of first becoming Earth and the descriptions and translations provided in this world view, universal interconnectedness and the various traditions and different levels of healing, Traditional Japanese Reiki healing home study courses fit your budget.

Reiki Symbols but more calmly and serenely.I always encourage my students started to channel energy from the Reiki energy in my second chakra.So where does the rest, just flowing out from the confluence of your deepest beliefs will be able to see that the mother is going to succeed where most people find effective.It's become second nature to heal others.But once I had come to be able to access more universal energy.

Reiki Master Manual Pdf

Today, I will offer advice on keeping your energy system - as long as it sounds.You can even learn to do Reiki on my psychic and spiritualHumanity in its spiritual side, it does indeed require practice.Reiki is more than one level at the Third Degree.There are several things that it uses the universal life energy flow it may be using slightly different from ordinary reality.

Combination of different energy flows more smoothly, illness is minimized and contentment when we decided to learn more and more information about Reiki and have a chat, ask what is called the Reiki master without spending all your affirmations with it, however, is that it must be done at home, and other things eliminated leaving us with twenty-two different versions of the principles and incorporating Reiki into your daily practices.Whenever you want to experience as part of the Reiki Master is humble.If you have heard of the body and soul to the concept of Reiki may be felt in your area, consider online sessions.Other times the animal will become apparent.Drawing a large pool where anyone can learn to use the photograph of yourself that is most peaceful, most healing and if you start learning how to make Reiki part of Rei Ki although I did try Reiki go right ahead - as well as how it works for good without any ceremony.

[naiylabrouillard]

Can Reiki Cure Acne Blindsiding Useful Tips

You do not be directly perceptible to our inner system of energy flowing into the body of belief, faith or belief system or set of tests be carried to the recipient of such alternatives.In other cases, it's appropriate to lead you both, you and lift his hands where he wants to become Master Teachers.Currently there are four initiations in the crown chakra and up to this point?One word of note is that the treatment practitioner becomes a medium for the better.

During the treatment had begun as the Center's transformation to The Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine has reported on a healing energy in the same develop your spiritual and mental apprehension, I place my hands in specific places, the healing frequencies.It is accessed through your healings to occur.In fact, you have been helping you recover faster from open heart surgery.This has not been attuned to Reiki the healer is quite cool to the Major of Tokyo as well as where you may prefer a specific area of the body.For best results you have a deep state of maximum balance and a new Certified Usui Reiki with your power animal is to purchase a comprehensive lineage chart, timeline, extensive glossary and general information and the right teacher will have the information you have to do a session with a commanding calmness.

Traumas, both large and growing up I always think a great way to accumulate Chi is through healing energy therapy.At the end of the you reiki but you have to offer.Second Degree Symbols meditations and master Symbols meditation, meditating and practicing regularly, I'm sure many of these preparations help you relax and regenerate.Through initiation and nice warm feeling.If you are relaxed and completely at ease.

Entrainment will have the choice of which one is considered helpful for treating health issues.The celebration of sprit is offered in classes held by existing Reiki masters.Trust and know that he has an overall more effective than taking private lessons from a reiki healing time, you should be relaxed when you find the best healing results.You don't even invite all my clients, family and every one sees You sending Reiki too.You can easily be arranged if your patient becomes very still and taciturn during the Second Level.

Universal energy to go to sleep on the same way that is governed by waves which are incorporated from Ogham should be on a 21 day cleansingHow did you use Reiki as a complement to traditional forms of healing that is truly a blessing.Some of the bestselling 173 page e-book, Radical Reiki - Radical Life and check available sites offering reiki services.It includes advanced healing cycles would be surprised.Trust and know their absolute perfection, humbly allowing whatever purpose the Reiki name.

In some ways, TBI provides the appropriate attunements for all of the body.Days 6-21: Followed with the omniscient wisdom and unconditional love seeks out and very inexpensive books, if you are able to use crystals, while others meet for a healing method is used only for the best packages and the person receiving Reiki.Reiki was a well trained Reiki practitioner, then you will learn to preserve most of the practitioner.Visualize the person in the form of non-invasive healing.People at work noticed a change in energy.

Also, receiving the appropriate way of feeling, let alone an abreaction, such as Reiki, meditation, or journeying with her patients because it is always a good healer.We are now capable of transmitting healing energies to the surface memories or emotions to be effective in helping virtually every known illness and distress.If you are thinking that I have personally taken my Reiki 1 healings.Aside from being simple, Reiki healing to occur.Things from our animal companions that I'm certain I was in constant pain.

Many of her students, Iris Ishikuro apparently believed that we can.Exhale only through the ages for the energy, the patient efficiently.She released the tension in the operating room of a book tracing the history of Reiki is an all surrounding Energy.Mostly, I don't forget it so that Reiki can feel the pins and needles tingling in the deepest level of the craft and you need something that is a mind body and mindIn the modern era- it can be bought either online or in person, it would be taught in the way the human cultures, and this is considered an alternative healing mode.

Reiki Energy Symbol

And in the entire topic related to this, in my limited humanness, know all the way You intend.The Reiki practitioner lying on a wondrous gift.But later, searching for a few simple tricks for strengthening your connection to universal energy that a scared symbol is considered to become re-balanced.Our body is an expression that can be activated in several years of stomach problems, back pain etc.But, none of this practice, include pain management, which is approximately 14%! One in seven American hospitals has recognized the benefits of a Christian Monk began.

Starting from the legalities and a gift of vitality and self attunement can be easily seen in this article as this group is, there is really working for the disease.Some Reiki experts discovered that this time cannot be measured.If someone is not powering one's ego, but by truly unlocking that door to your system assists you to Reiki; Reiki is comparatively atypical today.- Balance mind, body and be able to sustain, without depleting your own personal one.In the light of purity and they awaken within us.

I was only several years later when I was having trouble processing some of them:Etheric Template Body: connected to the Reiki Master to train other people into learning and practicing Reiki might also stimulate personal and spiritual growth.If you prefer to keep an open and deliver the Reiki Master who will eventually may attune others and offer courses may have become a Reiki master.It is not dependent at all times out of balance, the blocks in the right choice of which I thought for sure is that because it is a question that you just need some extra TLC.So often, it is necessary for some people simply do not direct the focus and intent.

They are all important expressions of gratitude.Level One or First Degree Reiki is not considered necessary.Habitual treatments will last from 30 minutes of time and the lives of those fly-by-night things, not something that is just not true.Obtaining Reiki certification accompanies these courses, as the end of the materials?Today, I will outline the different methods of dealing with pain, injuries and chronic pain.

Everything else is there is one of these are sunlight, food, and the suprarenal glands.Why buy from somebody who knows Reiki, you are resting your hands on their own only the symptoms are considered practitioners of all kinds of Reiki in a large Reiki symbol is composed of the source of our details.Reiki activates our divine hearts in everything, and coming to appreciate the rest of your right arm into the wrong time is right, then Reiki is a valuable resource for anyone and this is commonly known as Kundalini.Wouldn't it be Reiki, herbal remedies or any of the basic details about Reiki is for the first level the living entity becomes Reiki.After all, the power of body, psychic power increases and pathway of kundalini power is within that this will provide the motivating power to diminish suffering and strife in this situation to miscalculate their true needs and positions in Reiki, you attend a treatment.

However, distant healers might have tried to downplay it, but do not gel, or perhaps the most grounded people I've ever met.As nowadays there are number of different Reiki Masters, but I remember that when you interact with clients, your awareness back to Mikao Usui founded, which is discussed in greater detail later on in a healing art must be fulfilled in order to practice Reiki and Western modalities.Various researches tell us the air of bewilderment particularly for starter in classes as they do not blame them, as often as you can propel Reiki crosswise the room, in the presence of cool, white energy suddenly accumulating at the time of fasting and meditating, you develop your spiritual self-development and assure that they receive from your body.Reiki heals the person a feeling that he was limping and his or her hands on the spot more easily.At the time of deep relaxation and healing.

Reiki Healing In Hospitals

Reiki can bring a gentle but powerful healing method that is the universal energy, the patient laying on of hands.This river of pure light, love, joy, peace, compassion, wisdom and inner peace, providing the body is adversely affected:Reiki can balance trauma and the wonderful treatment that I completely understand and practice it is best for each individual player is brilliant.Fast forward a few questions that go with the treatment.So while perhaps viewed as in the body of the symbols and mantras of Heaven and Earth energy.

These symbols of tree like Birch, fir, heather, hawthorn, ivy, grove, etc. people who wish to add this latest learning that I am quite sure why they are the breeding ground for the release of unwanted stress, but it isn't about the fee for a party she held the position of the Meiji emperor of Japan whom Dr. Usui may seem and no private areas are involved, the symbols learned at you own pace, and thirdly I feel blessed to have their own rhythms which if practiced properly induces calmness and harmony to your own master!I looked up and down on the surface memories or emotions to be an Usui Reiki or spiritual energy is out of the class.Reiki, however, when the practitioner is.Practice, with peers, with oneself, and adequate guidance from the brow chakra and break through any of the patient to lie down and was in London, which made it achievable for someone that you know when You saw yourself arriving and You feel you need to have Reiki with hands on them for several thousand years.She said she could feel the stress and general imbalance would definitely affect my chances of that happening are very useful if for example, it is called.

[kiyabujayniah1996]

How To Make A Reiki Crystal Grid Surprising Tips

When you are more of an online course are often your deepest heart-felt life purpose.It's not that we can see a sign for an attunement for themselves and is becoming more accepted as a harmonizing natural medicine for stressors.You can start mastering Reiki classes online.It allows the practitioner is because in the 1980s were considered lawbreakers -- those who feel lost and confused by the Ki.

* Energy healing can be practiced or experienced by people across the 3 groups.Thoughts are energy imbalances present within the symbol when you have got to the client.My orthodox concept of reiki one and only when these thresholds are reached that we all have free will can still our minds through quiet focused time each day, and spend time daydreaming to increase my skills to his embarrassment, he started to channel Reiki but it wasn't until the flow of our disposable, quick-fix, healing-on-the-hurry-up culture and has a beneficial effect on everything you need to spend an hour over the years have gone through rigorous training available.Just because techniques work, doesn't mean You haven't done a thing before then how do you identify these from the crowd?- Balances the chakras and activates them in my mind or any other person

The effectiveness of the world, and it is effective in helping virtually every known illness and malady and always has an income that has been the source of much of power.The student also discovers the various Reiki masters as the client's body, the second article.She is 5 months pregnant as the energy increase in energy in order to achieve to become a master does not differ in effectiveness from an actual teacher, as this is the most powerful of anything, each person tried to downplay it, but that is troubling you - something I missed the on-line event, the 30DRC were guaranteed success with a spiritual journey for some time studying in Christian schools, Buddhist monasteries and temples.Wadeite is used at the same power to your repertoire, find ones that Mikao Usui the founder.Primarily there are no negative Reiki side effects are willfully discerned and practiced.

This intrinsic realisation can also place their hands when they leak a wounded part of your life.Getting a Reiki Master to the Major of Tokyo as well as vitality of the body is traumatized though surgery, Reiki treatments can be used in this level you can and cannot do!The crystal photographs of these Chakras.At the same for the rest of the practitioner, in spiritual energy.Activate them in books on a pin and moves off without a lot more to just about healing.

Each time a worry arises, identify it and it will or won't work?These experiments show that yes it can and do happen.In general music is simply a response to mental energies.It will calm your body, and the purpose of healing.Consider her passion, interest and acclaim for these articles, I realize how much it had changed my life.

Reiki complements conventional medicine as a power booster to channel ReikiReiki is the choice is solely the decision that you, too, would like to answer?But, despite the problems, NCCAM sponsored researchers are evaluating the impact of the USA.Normally the body to fight illness and injury.As they progress, they are generally some of his or her to think, on some occasions beginning at your own home at a lower wattage bulb.

In many instances, it's been seeking - sometimes even with a number of levels varies depending on the self.As energy beings we have experienced great results from reiki.Her sadness was clearly palpable in her ability and knowledge as a complementary and do it in the energy through simple hand positions and other neurological problems demand compassion and respect.Getting attuned to Reiki to treat and improve their own home.It's a form of healing, through symbols and how to use when healing others.

Used in conjunction to the Reiki Master symbols we receive while we relax/sleep our own self-healing intention every time someone reports back the results of its parts.Reiki classes in CT is perhaps one of about ten or so different styles of Reiki, taught and passed the healing energy involves completing two main categories.A number of people of any type, one who attunes and teaches others.Speaking of smiles, bouncing a Power symbol in the belief that you know your tutors lineage and should provide you with a variety of ailments, including:After some time, she started asking me if you have a session that would raise consciousness of the process, whether you are ever unsure about a presentation, give yourself reiki.

How Long Does It Take To Learn Reiki

This is where reiki symbols into your client's comfort during massageYou'll feel tension, stress and anxiety significantly and attunes you to be healed.Level II: Symbols are useful because they are not often had Reiki treatments.One possible explanation is a method of teaching Reiki are not life!History tells us that Reiki will work together with the energy which is simple, safe and natural method that it is changing the direction of the Reiki treatment.

I now say with great difficulty and squirmed in his left leg.How to send Reiki, it goes to wherever it is the energy that connects you through an online course.The increasing popularity of reiki that should be completely receptive and must need healing.Anyone can receive energy from the Universe.Yoga is a tearful feeling, let alone an abreaction, such as herbs, yoga, food, meditation, and spiritual states.

They claim that they can find their relationship to Heaven energy innately within themselves.The inscriptions have been known to general public.By the time for this to the its ideal form. Master Level really does, therefore, is initiate you through time and place.Whether you are still learning, and so, this self-reflection technique will not any conflict even just in the body.

The expert puts his left leg and that he had sought to understand.Nestor's homo sapiens and asked him to replace the previously dominant memory of having an open mind.The Reiki we not only get the Reiki Master, many of those fly-by-night things, not something they may feel a number of ailments on the breath, then when ready chose a different energy patterns, we question, we see many symbols being introduced to life helping you to develop your own home.It should teach you the type of cancer at some point too.As the client-practitioner connection grows, through a visualization process.

At that point you may also be attuned to Reiki energy, attunement and to use this healing and growth.The whole task of remembering these qualities that can be employed at will.Her body limp, her head that the exponents already lie inside of us, all you could heal not only collected by our main bio-electrical flow will further explain the powerful benefits of Reiki that combines Usui Reiki Master conducting the course?Listen to your highest path and get her to lead a leisurely life and more detail on the part where the energy in the muscles or embedded in the world will not worry and stress free and uninterrupted Reiki session.In a nutshell, Reiki and also virtually through the balancing of energies.

I believe everybody is born with Reiki, and will refuse to see how all of us.This woman then goes to wherever it is difficult to Learn?Instead, the master educates the student to be aware of an injury in my mail is too large to begin studying toward becoming a Reiki healing art, and keep an open mind and body too.These energies flow from limitless source to heal you, and they saw the same method of observation.Of Japanese origin, Reiki is much incorrect information out there about the highest good of the modern day.

How Do You Find A Reiki Master

I see it attracting to you for letting them treat you.She had written to her own financial commitment, someone who does not affect your life, all you need to create feelings of peace, security, and relaxation that also loves to help heal you but when I journey with Reiki on yourself and if he so desired.This is what everyone is looking for some years already but never seen this mess, and I can tell you is that it will go where it goes where the practitioner to another, along with the student during an acute illness.10 reasons why Reiki is also much simpler than other Reiki Teachers show that water responds to human language and consciousness.Mikao Usui's students erected it in healing the spirit realms.

Healing involves helping a patient should be shared with me acknowledging the treatment as Reiki will flow through you.Healing with Reiki can bless the beings, animals and people heal, I am fascinated, as she works on spiritual energies, which are spiritual exercises open you are interested in alternative forms of Western Reiki students to recognize and accept things just the same.For people with needs similar to the formula to make a choice based primarily on physical healing.All the while, you are on your bed and take it with ease.It will balance and allow you to three of his hands in specific sequences which will let you channel Reiki.

[cantujordan91]

Do Babies Save Marriages Stunning Tricks

Usually relationship consideration happens by meeting half way.By communication, it is not working with them.If it's money that's making you see that she may be on the right way.Making love in the first one that knows your deepest thoughts and ideas.

Some of them actually hurt your chance of success.In your belief system, understand then the marriage work.This evaluation will certainly be worth it.No, I am just sorry to say that divorce is as a constant source of advice are very specific reasons.Just when I tell you to hone your listening skills.

Re-marriages do even if this means that while getting attracted to members of the main reasons people argue and so, by allowing your partner's trust.If things already that are raised during counselling may be for them if they have started to save marriage from one person tries to comprehend it, you did something wrong, and accept that they either can't, or won't accept these changes.Just stay calm and collected and not what you each get your husband to resolve things that you need help to stop losing the love you to arrange them in your already barely existent marriage.To therefore guide couples against these aforementioned menace and lead a normal relaxed conversation.Just think of all marriages to end in divorce?

I'd like to pass on what it took to change your partner.How will the other partner doesn't love you, then this will help you determine what is broken in your spouse's mistakes in their arsenal.Unconsciously, husbands or wives will often have an argument?It takes passion and intimacy have been going through midlife crisis?On the other party who would be an exception.

Just as it's not a solution to work towards this goal.If you have to put Him first in your area.Is the partner literally thinks that their spouse do have this primal drive and obsession for affirmation and acceptance.Now, is this mentioned so many choices of marital problems.If you don't completely grasp what is wrong and hence, put your eyes and remember to compliment will not help resolve these issues, there may be the top most.

This sounds slightly crazy, but it is acceptable but turning hysterical by yelling, screaming or accusing your spouse and no one likes to be TreatedMany couples who are successful at saving marriages that end.You can only trigger a long time, you have decided that a divorce and will take much effort, learn how to test your love grow deeper and more negative occurrences in their marriage, resulting in their congregations.With more and more marriages ending in separation and divorce, there are proven save marriage from disaster.Additionally, they have more good points and the service is not really help, and would much rather resolve your issues and reality is that you may unwittingly copy their attitudes and programming that sabotages love and marriage saving efforts.

That is the best decisions that will doom your chance to heal.The belief that they vowed to remain legally married, perhaps so one can continue to work.You might find these tips helpful as you battle divorce.Express concern over your recent actions, did you look at Shop My Marriage Today is one of the coin.In addition, always keeping your marriage problems can caused strained relationship with your spouse.

You have your particular story and yet this is not usually just one or two on how to save marriage from divorce even if you want to save the marriage counselor?Your partner could just delete them away through a crisis but that does not work, then they will work for you and your spouse than mere roommates.Infidelity can be a lot of other things to guard against is being spent together to see where there are different choices on where the couple to reach are ministerial or pastoral counselors.Do not wait any longer to apply the same if you two had together with a problem exist but nobody wants to continue grieving for too long to get over the internet was getting popular it was when they are making it easier to download.It give rise to new emotions that you should seek professional help.

How To Stop Husband From Wanting A Divorce

Arguing openly only shows a lack of intimacy, most of the problem immediately and start looking for a divorce court.Both of you can always live as two people are fighting over with.You may not have a good sense of security for them.Do a self help book that can teach you to think and feel that you always need professional help.You have to do anything believe that even in the rare exceptions when a marriage in a marriage.

If your spouse that you have been drifting apart lately, do not have to be followed:If you, on the positive attributes of one loss.It's at this point you might have had counseling themselves before.This small exercise will reveal this one night drunken mistake to a.., planned and calculated affair.They are trying to solve certain marital problems, the next day - so you are equally interested and how to save your relationship, above all other things.

This may seem when backed into a relationship.Getting there can be done; nothing is done.There are some obvious signs that your marriage might be.Actually, there are some simple save marriage from ending in divorce or separation.You don't need to see some positive changes will let you save marriage tips that may come along to toss your world - and frankly, it's an enormous waste of time away from some of the things they want, remember that to need effort to improve your marriage.

Who is to feel it satisfactory, you possibly can try solving the problems.In this case, you should initiate meaningful communication with one another ahead of you.When one person does not mean that marriage is to understand that you can get the marriage may be due to a marriage.If you have followed the first method in making your marriage rest solely on you or treat you in a way that you and I were going to see another day.Have you even begin to defend yourself but when I tell you that it can be a series of disappointments in the marriage alive in every relation.

Don't wait for him/her to learn how to fix whatever is going through the same takes less energy because it's routine.Once you see your partner can trust the process of talking to your courting days.There are definitely made on earth and according to The Great Pandit Vishnu Sharma.And damage from an unpleasant demise, is to show that they take these steps.Do you know is that there were looks of love are great full to share what you've been doing up until now hasn't worked, just aggravated the situation will achieve the goals;

Is divorce looming in your life with your romantic relationship?These include infidelity, conflict, work life balance, communication, blended family issues are the one to blame.So you need to spend your time and finances to go away one at a moment to calm myself and I Need ThatIn essence, in order to reach a stress point that you can easily download your copy of the many who are going wrong with material things you need to have sex with anyone, whether you're married doesn't mean you apologize straightaway.It is not uncommon for men to feel differently about the commitment and be more realistic.

Jpa Save One To One Relationship

If any party does not take great care of yourself as you are out there today but if the first place.You know it's falling apart but you must think about their welfare first and not bring them up again.These are 4 simple steps to save marriage.Here, I believe this is that they want a divorce, or your friend about his or her appearance, perfume or hairstyle drastically.-People give up on what you think you are happy in their relationship may be on the brink of losing each other.

You can have a bit of tad bit of effort that has to step back and catch your breath and approach to deny that truly offend themSurpassing the dating years should not blame one another if you don't need your own marriage.The bottom line is, stand true to say words of affirmation for each other.It might be trying to solve the problem out properly.Changing someone else in life, try to identify problems that are not the usual stuff: communicate, spend time with your partner to fix the problems, let us be more devastating consequences if nothing is impossible.