#one was “fuck you. you're not better than me only because your narcissism tells you that. im okay with being who i am. you dont need to

[nova-alien-rants]

some random speculations and realizations about my mental illness

BPD:

i am INCREDIBLY obsessive about my FP. like yeah that's kind of obvious, but i don't think i realized the extent fully. the whole "i understand this conceptually but it hasn't fully internalized" thing.

i have delusions regarding people. i expect my FP to be just as obsessive over me as i am over them, and if they don't, i want to die because i feel like they never loved me.

piggybacking off my previous point, i have a deep-rooted belief that love equals obsession and vice versa. i conceptually know what real, healthy love is, but it hasn't been internalized.

NPD:

recently came to terms with the fact that i am, indeed, a covert narcissist. i have to grapple with the fact that my parents have passed their narcissism down to me, and i need to make sure i don't hurt people the way they do.

i experience many delusions of grandeur. examples: - i believe i am the best at being supportive. this also means i believe no one is able to support me the way i support them. how dare they not put as much effort and care into supporting me as i do with them even though i will always be better at it than them!! - i believe i am the best at being empathetic and no one will ever understand emotions the way i do. how dare they not read me the way i read them!! pick my brain apart bro!! - i expect people to automatically know what i want or need without telling them, and when they inevitably deviate from what i envisioned happening in my head, i get sent into intense rage. - i believe people should consider me their best friend and/or be overly nice to me because i spend so much of my time trying to be nice to them. surely it's only fair, right? right??

if someone is objectively better at something than i am, i feel like absolute shit. i hate it so much. i'm never going to be mean to that person or anything because my insecurity isn't their problem, but fuck, man. i literally want to rip my own hair out. how fucking dare you one up me like that.

i take so many things as personal attacks, and for what? it's so fucking stupid bro. the second the person clarifies what they meant i realize it had nothing to do with me and now i look like an idiot/asshole. i'm now trying to ask for clarification instead of just lashing out.

i get really fucking pissed when people correct me on stuff. what, you're trying to make me look like a dumbass? fuck you bro. <- should really stop thinking this because it's how i learn

combination:

i want supply from my FP and only my FP. obviously supply is nice from other people but I NEED IT FROM MY FP!! PAY ATTENTION TO ME!! TELL ME I AM THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN YOUR LIFE!! i will never actually say this to you though i want it to come from you and when you don't live up to this fantasy i will want to explode you with my mind

[cringefailroboguy]

Despite being a narcissist myself, I am only moderately interested in the whole "narcissist = evil" thing. I don't really care if you demonize me in particular because of my disorder, in fact, I am a bit flattered by you seeing me as some great evil lurking in the shadows.

What REALLY gets me is the very thing that actually gets perfectly encapsulated by the whole recent obsession with narcissism, and that's the fact that mostly neurotypical (and occasionally mentally ill people with destigmatized disorders or poor grasp of themselves and their relations, but that's a different can of worms) people will always find a mental illness to demonize in order to feel better about themselves. They will always find SOMEONE to be a cartoon villain for them to defeat or fight against, to make themselves look more noble.

It's apparent looking at the history of autism, people used it for YEARS to dehumanize autistic individuals and use some relatively harmless traits of autism (lack of empathy, poor understanding of social cues, stimming) in order to "prove" how autistic people are less than human. I mean, even today when autism awareness and understanding has seemingly progressed, it is still depressingly common to see people shush you when you tell them you're autistic because that's "a bad thing to say". It's still the norm for people to infantilize autistic adults and treat them as stupid. It's still the norm to assume autism makes you incapable of making decisions or functioning in this world.

It's just that today people have generally agreed that it's bad to bully autistic people so they grabbed the first next illness with symptoms similar enough so it's easy to demonize. They even hit a jackpot with npd and aspd because the symptoms can be interpreted as conventionally "evil" enough for those people to be able to openly wish death upon us and discuss tactics on how to abuse us or some shit without ever being confronted about it.

And guess what, when personality disorders (not just the cluster B, let's be real) finally get more destigmatized in the future, all of those neurotypicals will just jump at the first opportunity that arises in the meantime. Maybe a new disorder gets discovered and described, but whatever it is, they WILL find someone they want to abuse and hurt and then demonize, and they WILL make existence extremely difficult for all the unlucky individuals diagnosed with whatever next stock photo evil guy in a villain robe disorder they manage to snatch next.

We are barely one step ahead of shock therapy and lobotomies. The circle will never close. If you got abused as a child then it's your fucking problem I guess, you'll have to face it on your own your whole life and on top of it YOU are the bad guy in it all, naturally. There's no light at the end of the tunnel. The cycle will continue for as long as we as a species exist.

[icycoldninja]

Can you write the DMC men with a reader who’s usually be seen as selfish and spoiled and narcissistic

As in if you dare put your dirty dishes in the sink while she’s washing and then expected her to wash it for them, she would say nothing, only massive side eyes but moments later, their dishes can still be found laying inside the sink and her dishes are already cleaned and stacked on the shelf

Or spoiling herself (99% the time) as in shopping, bowling, etc… and hardly ever spend on other people

Because of this trait, a lot of people usually see her as a narcissistic and selfish person, always prioritizing herself and her needs above others

But the truth is she was tired of trying to appease other people and accommodate to other’s need, like a literal people pleaser (she felt guilty when they’re upset when she have the right to decline) so therefore, she’s just:

“fuck all of ya’ll, my needs will always come first”

But because of enabling her over-prioritization of needs, she became quite a narcissistic:

“i mean it’s bad…but…they did me dirty first…and it’s my right to turn down other’s need for help”

So the boys just kind of give her a reality check and help her know how to establish boundaries healthily while not letting her not caring about those around her in need

Absolutely, here you go.

Sparda boys + V x Narcissistic!Reader headcannons

¤ Dante ¤

-Dante is a lazy man, as we can tell by the state of his living quarters. He doesn't mind that you refuse to do the dishes and all that--he's perfectly fine with splitting the chores.

-But the fact that you're such a jerk to everyone around you, blowing insane amounts of cash on yourself and pretending to be broke when others need your help seriously pisses him off.

-He hates people with these traits, and would sooner die than let his girlfriend stay like this.

-He understands that you're this way because you used to be a serious people pleaser who finally grew a backbone and stood up for yourself, but this is the wrong way to go about it.

-He will firmly, but not insensitively explain to you that you're a narcissist and that your behavior is awful and detrimental. You're heading down a short road to debt and poverty--he knows, because he's been there.

-He will work with you to correct your behavior, don't worry, and does occasionally buy you gifts every now and then.

■ Vergil ■

-Vergil puts his foot down the moment you start acting up, akin to the way an experienced, no-nonsense mother would handle her disobedient child.

-If you refuse to do the dishes or start spending extravagant amounts of money on only yourself and no one else, only to give him serious sass when he talked to you about it, you're getting it.

-He chastised you, quite angrily so, and told you that what you're doing is foolish, self-destructive, and will only result in your downfall. You'd better listen to him or he'll whip out the Yamato--but instead of stabbng himself to summon V, he'll smack you with the hilt.

-He knows you only act this way due to a past full of trying to please people who didn't care about you, and that your narcissism is a result of you "breaking free" from that, but refuses to tolerate such inconsiderate behavior.

-You are special, yes, but not the center of the universe, and Vergil will drill this fact into your head until you understand. You will be disciplined under his hand.

-Thanks to this extremely MOTIVATED man, your behavior is corrected in under a month. No one can believe how quickly and drastically you changed, but they love it, and you love it too, because now you see that with Vergil around, you'll never be used or manipulated again.

□ Nero □

-Nero can't stand narcissistic behavior, no matter who the narcissist might be.

-He really does love you and wants only the best for you, but your attitude is despicable. He's not gonna enable you because he knows if he does, you'll only get worse.

-He tried talking to you kindly about your behavior, but narcissists will be narcissists and refuse to listen to anyone, citing that those who are trying to help them are in the wrong, and that they are right.

-Nero eventually gave up and switched to a firmer approach--that is, holding you hostage in your own house until you listen to reason.

-He doesn't want to have to do it this way, but it's the only method he can think of that will actually work. He's gonna have to terrify you into submission and make you see the light. You will be corrected.

-Nero unleashes his inner Vergil, the terrifying power that he'd inherited from his dad, and uses this power to force you into doing chores and other things that you normally wouldn't do. While this sounds abusive, he rewards you whenever you do your chores without complaining, usually with a kiss, a present, or something of that sort.

-Your behavior improves drastically as a result, but even so, Nero still feels guilty for what he had to do and still spoils you with gifts and affection to make up for it.

● V ●

-V didn't like how you refused to do anything except for yourself.

-He wasn't all that concerned about the dishes since he was perfectly capable of washing them himself, but the fact that you were out late at night going bowling and shopping and doing God knows what made him quite upset.

-He wanted to talk with you about it, but he knew people like you wouldn't listen, so he decided upon an unethical way to get you to listen to him.

-He understood your situation and wished he didn't have to do it this way, but V was not a strong giant like the other boys. He didn't have the heart nor the strength to hold you hostage or discipline you even if he tried.

-He used his tears, which were not all forced, to convince you that your behavior was making him feel bad, and since V crying has the same effect on you as a baby crying for his mother, you actually gave in and promised to change.

-V feels very guilty for manipulating you like that, but...was it really manipulation if he truly was sad about the thoughtless way you acted?

[carebooks]

I think a reason why people enjoyed Cersei more than Alicent is probably just the honesty that she brings. (ironic, ain’t it?) Cersei knows exactly who she is and what she is, she’s not pretending to be a good person, she’s not morally bothered by the suffering of others even when caused directly by her, and she cares for no one other than her twin and children. What’s interesting about her is that unlike Alicent, Cersei expreses love to her children more often, she’s very vocal about not sending Myrcella away to be shipped off ‘like a broodmare’ as she herself once was. From what I’ve seen, there isn’t one scene of Alicent expressing love to her children, and I mean love, motherly love, not polite smiles in the public eye. There’s a scene where in private, she’s bouncing a crying baby Helaena with an emotionless expression. She talks to a teenage Aegon in a way that Cersei never talked to Joffrey (though if she had, maybe she'd have more control over the little monster). Then again, both boys turned out to be bad apples after a while.

The only scene we get of her being protective of her kids was when Aemond had his eye taken out and then when she hugs older Helaena in episode 8 (as well as when she instantly tried to hold her after Daemon sliced Vaemond's head off). Even when she's mourning the loss of her sons eye, she berates and blames Aegon for not being there. A situation he had nothing to do with and didn't know a thing about.

It's interesting because as far as we know, they were in loveless marriages from the start. Yes, Cersei says that she did love Robert in the beginning until he called her Lyanna in bed during their first night together. After that, she hated a him, a dead girl, and I'm assuming the entirety of the Starks in general. And while Alicent actually enjoyed her time with Viserys, she didn't wish to marry him. I assume Cersei didn't wish to marry Robert in the beginning either as I remember the scene where she begs Tywin, "Please, father, don't make me do it again." when he brings up her engagement to Loras Tyrell. And yet, Cersei loved all her children while Alicent appears to not even like hers.

Yes, you might bring up that her three kids were Jaime's, not Robert's, and that's a big part of why she loves them (which is also an extreme form of self-love and narcissism, loving your twin and your children being extensions of yourself thus they're the only thing you love). But, Cersei's first baby was actually Robert's, the baby boy that died a few days in. And she loved him with all her heart. The thing about Cersei and her children is that she doesn't even see them as Jaime's either, to her, Joffrey, Myrcella, and Tommen are all Cersei's children, no one else, not Robert's and not Jaime's, just Cersei's.

When it comes to Alicent, you'd think the one thing she could find to love from a loveless marriage would be your own kids. I do think she loves them in a way of course, but I think it also comes with how everyone expects mother's to burn everything to the ground for their kids safety. We see that in episode 8, she's a lot more gentle and loving with her daughter and in part even more furious with her son, verbally (but not literally) disowning him, "You're no son of mine." after she finds out that he raped a serving girl. Another thing about this episode and this time jump is that (as the showrunners told us), in the last six years, Alicent has tried to repent her actions by focusing herself with religion. She even had dozens of ancient Targaryen tapestries and statues removed and replaced with the seven star of the Seven. I think that in finding more of a home in religion she also tries to adhere to the Mother's values, trying to be a better one to her kids, and while we see no interaction between her and Aemond in this, and she (rightfully) tells Aegon to fuck off, she's actually progressed with Helaena in her motherly ways (though she is the easiest one to get along with, we love Helaena in this house).

Still, back to it, the reason people enjoyed Cersei more was because she didn't lie when it came to being the villain. She doesn't attempt to be a better queen, or well-liked because it's never been one of her stronger talents— something she especially loathes Margaery for. She already expects to be disliked so she loathes the people automatically. She makes plans to have her husband killed, has no problem seeing her brother die, doesn't care if the women around her will be raped, and enjoys tormenting young Sansa.

When it comes to Alicent, she isn't an inherently evil character. We met her when she was young, and we saw her father groom her to distract and marry the king, a king who she grew up around and probably thought of as a second father (who's also her father's age). And she bears his children, her friendship with Rhaenyra suffers, and she feels alone in court. Naturally, we pity her and understand why she's suffering. But when she finds Rhaenyra has 'lost her maidenhood' not to Daemon but to Crispin Cole, she's declaring their friendship over, no more mister nice guy. From then on, in the next ten years she's developed harshly and judgmental. She orders to see baby Joffrey the second that Rhaenyra pushed him out, and no one can refuse the Queen. Larys Strong kills his father and brother just to get Otto Hightower back and while she is visibly shocked and guilty, she does nothing to set it right. She talks about decency and honor winning, but where's the honor in kinslaying? She removes ancient and traditional Targaryen art from the walls, the statues, and the Red Keep looks like a hospice compared to the lively emotion set in the first episode. She replaces everything with the Seven, trying to find penance in holiness because she knows what's happened was wrong. And yet, she won't speak a word of it. She calls Rhaenyra's children bastards and wild beasts like those dragons they ride while her children are actually far worse. She believes that her children are better purely because they are trueborn.

Cersei believes her children are better because she just does. They're her kids and so they must be. Alicent is in a similar position that Cersei will be in the centuries to come, but Cersei doesn't lie about how much of a terrible person she is. Alicent does, "Exhausting, wasn't it? Hiding beneath the cloak of your own righteousness. But now they see you as you are." Alicent believes that because she followed the rules, had trueborn kids, and didn't have an ounce of happiness that she's the better person in this. That she's not terrible. I wonder if she'll ever realize how far she went for a family that she doesn't even like.

[the-bloody-sadist]

Me-Centered Narration in Fiction

"For characters' hearts to be open to readers, characters must talk to us quite a bit about what's going on inside. In many manuscripts, the characters don't disclose much. Often they, or rather their authors, simply report what's happening to them--a dry, play-by-play conveyance of the action. Even the witty, ironically detached first-person voices of Young Adult, New Adult, and Para-Everything fiction aren't necessarily open. An ironic, snarky, or perky tone can be used to avoid true intimacy with readers. Literary writing isn't necessarily intimate, either. A life "closely observed" doesn't mean we'll care about it." -Donald Maass, The Emotional Craft of Fiction

Welcome to the new tag, Sadist's fiction advice!! For those of you interested, I'll be taking bits out of books I personally studied all my life to learn how to write--the majority of those being by the fantastic and insightful Donald Maass, whose writing help books I've collected for my shelf! If you want to start anywhere for your own novel, start with him. I'm not fucking kidding. He's THE BEST out there.

Let's start with some discussion on that first quote, alone! Most often, the first thing that turns me off to a story is the main character's voice. I'm an extremely picky reader, nowadays, after growing up reading, and especially after discovering the fanfiction world. But one thing that I actually tend to like more about fanfiction is that a lot of the authors--since their source material is an existing couple of characters that they can research and have a template to add their own details to--are not afraid to explore how that character talks to the reader and sees the world.

In so much of professional fiction I've found only bland, annoying main characters who fail to make me laugh with their sarcastic quips about living on earth. It's just...boring. It's all the same. And don't even get me started on the erotic world, because what are they ON?? I've never found more abrasive or boring main characters than in professional erotica. I've tried and dropped nearly every gay romance I've come across with a pretty cover (meaning NOT a stock image of a hunky, shirtless man because ew, low effort)...and literally none of them except one grabbed me. And that one took CHAPTERS UPON CHAPTERS of dealing with yet another boring main character just to get to the love interest that I was curious about. And if you're curious, that book was the Captive Prince series by C.S. Pacat. I will slander it, I'm sorry. The writing is frustratingly basic and the prose is very weird at times, and Damen is a cardboard cutout in my opinion. Laurent was the saving grace of that series, and if not for him, I would've dropped that book on chapter one.

Captive Prince eventually got much better, so it's still one of the only good ones I've ever read, but--BUT--Damen's inner world? Boring as shit. I wanted to know his complexities and conflicts, the things that directly impacted his worldview and the ways he was a multifaceted person. I really wanted him to win me over. But I mostly skimmed a lot of the "thoughts" that were going on in his head, because he had none that were worth listening to. He wasn't unique. He wasn't particularly conflicted about anything interesting.

In direct contrast to that, probably my favorite romance to ever exist in the LGBT category is Anne Rice's The Vampire Armand. Talk about a fascinating writer with a strong voice. Anne is INSANE, for one. The things she puts together on paper are wild and ravishing and they will fucking sweep you off your feet. And that's what I'm always looking for. We see the world through the vampire Armand's eyes, who has a riveting and thorough perspective--far different from the pessimistic narcissism of most modern tellings of vampire "romances" (Twilight can eat my dick). He feels tangible, terrifying, and so warm at the same time. He displays a full and seasoned view of the world, and it reads as realistic for someone having lived so long. Marius, the boy who is with him who's caught up in sexuality, is a fantastic contrast to Armand, and thus provides a thrilling relationship dynamic of push-and-pull. He is headstrong; Armand is mature and set on rules.

Ugh, I could go on and on about how good Anne is when it comes to these things. Her characters are top-notch every time, and though there are sometimes exceedingly long rants about topics that neither interest me nor entertain me, somehow the way that she structures it in her characters' voices could convince me otherwise. (I still skip some of the LOOOONG expositions on history and religion but LMAO, I could read it if I had time.)

Let me infuse some more of Donald Maass into this, going on with his advice from The Emotional Craft of Fiction:

"Elsewhere I have advocated building the world of the story not by describing how it looks, sounds, feels, smells, or tastes, but rather by conveying characters' experience of that world. Opening the emotional world of a story is just as important, but doing so involves delving not only into characters' experience of their world but also of themselves.

For some authors this can be uncomfortable. Plot-driven storytellers, for example, may fear that they're slowing the action. Character-driven storytellers can be afraid of getting their characters' inner lives wrong, believing that even a tiny misstep can ruin years of effort. Both fears strangle emotional effect. The truth is that there is nothing wrong with opening up characters' inner lives. The bigger problem is that most authors don't do so enough. That said, letting characters simply gush on the page isn't terribly effective, either."

I always hesitate to talk about my own writing, because it feels egotistical to use my own as an example, but since you're here because you either like my writing or my art, well... 😂 I feel like it's the best way to give you a glimpse of how I think when I create them! Plus I know you want to hear about it, so I'll put my self-deprecation in the closet.

That said, let's talk about Dancing With Death--particularly what Maass mentioned in presenting world building through the eyes of your character and not the physicality of the setting. I am not someone who enjoys the observation of fantasy cultures and elements that we don't have in the real world. I simply do not care. I don't like Avatar for this reason--the entire world of Avatar is the biggest character in the story, and I don't care. Biology and science is boring. There's no interesting person to see the world through, so I find myself lost on why I'm watching it as a story, when it feels like it should be a video game to explore instead.

This being the case, my portal for the world was Emery, whom I consider to be the least interesting character I've ever created LMAO. Probably because he's so normal, and basically everyone else I've created is wildly off-kilter on morality, thought process, and mental health.

BUT!

My workaround for this character concept was having him come from an isle with a directly opposing culture to the one he'd be entering for the story. Now, I'm not much for introductions to characters living their normal life, so I started right off with Emery arriving in Gailda, so that the reader could find out organically how much different Gailda was to Emery's home in Dorne. Pretty much everything he comes into contact with--starting with the isle's ruler, Taushin--is entirely backwards to the way Emery has been raised. It adds interest because it adds inherent conflict. But the complexity here is that Emery came to Gailda of his own accord. Because he was curious about Gailda, and wanted to see if it was really as bad as the rumors he'd heard.

He travels there under the pretense that he's going to go free some Pets (the bed slaves of the world structure). But the readers should suspect right away that this isn't the case. Emery is a reckless, curious little man. He thinks he's an upstanding citizen, but he's naïve and--as we soon find out--pretty easily swayed.

So, seeing the world through Emery's eyes makes the world seem new and horrifying and thrilling to the readers--at least, this is my aim, of course! Going off of the current feedback I've received, most readers saw it this way. And while Emery might still be my least favorite man in my repertoire, he has deeply conflicting views, which constantly create dilemmas he has to resolve.

If you can keep a character on his toes, talking to the reader about the choices he has to make and how his morals might object to those choices, it opens up an intimate connection between us and them. The more specific their problems, the more chance the reader has to relate. What would they do in that situation? Don't make it easy.

For instance, one of Emery's first choices involves Minx, a Pet who's sent to his chambers the first night as a custom of Gaildan hospitality. Emery has come to free the Pets, so seeing Minx in his room instantly creates a dilemma. He thinks he can resolve this by not sexually interacting with Minx. But of course it's not that easy. Minx has to have intercourse with him, as per his master, Taushin (the ruler of the isle whom Emery is "doing business" with), or else he'll be punished. Then it's up to Emery whether he'll protect Minx by fucking him (LMAO), or not fucking him and knowingly submitting the boy to unjust punishment.

Okay, well that's enough rambling for my FIRST FUCKING POST. I hope this helps you, or otherwise lets you know that I'm just as long-winded in discussions as I am in my stories. 🥲 But in stories, that's a good thing! I hope that's what you've learned, today. Get to know your character by writing how he thinks and sees and feels the world around him, and make him INTERESTING, goddamnit! The more intricate and unique, the more we're inclined to listen to his inner world.

I'll leave you with another quote on that same page from Donald Maass's book--and feel free to send me asks about this topic or to let me know if it helped you! If I don't have feedback, I'll likely not continue these posts. It's hard to write and ramble to an audience I can't see. T_T Tumblr makes it tough for comments and likes!

"Creating a world that is emotionally involving for readers means raising questions and concerns about that world. It means both welcoming readers inside that world and making them curious, or uneasy, about where they are. First-person narration, the self-absorbed voice of our age, would seem to do that automatically but that belief is deceptive. True emotional engagement happens when a reader isn't just enjoying a character's patter but when she cannot avoid self-reflection, whether she's aware of it happening or not."

If you're interested in my own work that I talked about, Dancing With Death, and haven't read it, some of it is on Tumblr! Here's a link to the first chapter. It's more polished now than what is posted, but when it's published someday, you can see it in its full glory!

Dancing With Death chapter 1

About Donald Maass' The Emotional Craft of Fiction

[jangyeevns]

i used to rp a lot with fleur and when she pulled me into her ‘inner circle’ it was insane the way she made me (and two others. she pulled me into trio on two separate occasions and apparently it’s something she did a lot) crave her approval. i cut off all association with her when i realised what type of person i was becoming but looking back on the things she pulled me into makes me in no way proud of the person was and i massively regret helping fuel her spite in an attempt to get her approval. im not brave enough to come off anon and deal with the backlash from talking about fleur but i just wanted to let you know that you aren’t alone 💖

it's the way the radio silence for a few days had me chilling and out of a drama-centric headspace 💀 but another wordy post incoming !

i've come to realize she likes taking a couple of "like minded" people ( literally could just say you find one thing x muse did irksome and you're in ) under her wing and then pulling some fucked up shit that, with the echo chamber established, you often find yourself agreeing or seeing things through her perspective more than ( usually ) your own. then, once done with you because you no longer offer her something she wants ( a ship, complete validation, staying out of her way for a ship, etc ), she'll either try to use your fleur-fogged words against you in some way or just be a fucking two-faced nightmare. so it's super telling that she kept you close with two trios that you were both part of, and i'm sorry that she put you in such a position.

you're totally right though, about who you're corrupted into becoming in tandem with her warped narratives, and all it does is make you question everything when the fog starts to dissipate. like, why did i let that slide? why didn't i press further or be more neutral on x situation? did i do right by my other mun friends, my muses and myself? or did i just feed into her narcissism and petulance? it's hard to cope with, especially as somewhat-adjusted adults who have watched the rpc or other communities online go up in flames because of people like her and thought we knew better, especially as ( speaking for myself here ) someone who's been through the fucking ringer with fleur-adjacent people irl and online and actively tries to learn from those experiences just to find myself there all over again.

that being said, it's so fucking easy to want to blame it all on her, but you do have to own your role in those situations – which is something she'll never do, as she never sees herself as the problem, and that makes me feel a thousand times lighter as it just proves you aren't like her. you aren't a horrible person for wanting to believe someone you considered a friend, a confidant, what have you. you aren't a horrible person for not catching it early on, as even the most skeptical people can be manipulated should someone plays their cards right. you aren't a horrible person for anything that happened, but you were at one point complicit, and acknowledging that and feeling remorse for it? that's what makes you better, better than her and a better version of yourself.

and it's totally okay that you don't want to come off anon, you aren't alone in that because i know others who don't feel comfortable being exposed to her nonsense again – hell, she's blocked on my disc for the same reason and i already fessed up to sending an anon or two alongside some proof when her name was brought up last week. i guess i'm just beyond caring, like anons sent by her and other shit stirrers don't hurt me at all, even if my anxiety appears initially because of fucking course it does, my meds don't even do much for me anymore anyways GKDKGKD but that's all to say that this shit isn't about her, it's about other people who can fall victim to her antics and then feel silenced because her friendly façade overtakes a gc, who end up in these trios as well and feel as though the other person is there only for fleur and will take her side over yours ( which is usually utter bullshit, trust me ), who then become her topic of the week to all of her servers, group dms, etc with conveniently cropped screenshots and fairy tales that make her look like a victim and you psychotic.

i'm glad that you've cut her off and reflected, and i'm proud of you for speaking up for yourself in any capacity ! she's almost fallen off of the face of the earth and, while she obviously won't be gone for long if at all, it means that exposing her has paid off.

[tropicalrpg]

ix. nine

aaaah i'm short on time! i did start writing something else. and i'm trying my super hardest not to be too hard on myself on length and stuff, but everything seems too short. i've spent too long on authors' advice to be someone who doesn't follow shit. there's that neil gaiman thing about writing every day, there's the hank green thing about not spending more than seven days away from the world of your fiction, and there's the someone thing about, yes, writing every day, but setting a low standard for yourself. no one needs a thousand words a day, that's insane, though it's great if you can manage it. aim for two hundred, something like that, right? i don't know, not really. like i said, i don't follow any of these things. like i said, what, the day before yesterday? yesterday? writing has always been a chore. it's the one thing i think i know how to do (i don't. i write like everyone else, and because of my narcissism i think i do it better), and yet i don't do it, and i hate doing it. (unless i don't: i'm going to write about this, still. also there's the poetry, which i only write when i want to, and so it turns out okay, and there's, well, what i'll elaborate on.)

this is a shit summer writing project. that's what my inspiration called their own blog; a summer writing project. between quotes—single quotes, apostrophes. but i don't have anything to tell you, so what is this? it isn't a journal, and if it's a writing project, then what is the project for? what are the rules? if the rules are, put simply, writing every day, how is that helping? how is talking about myself to an audience of ghosts doing anything to make me a better writer, make me a better person?

i don't even have porn bot followers on this blog, goddammit.

and i know, or i think, there's a learning curve to this. i've never written every day, i've never written nonfiction, so maybe i'll get the hang of this, eventually. maybe i'll start writing segmented essays, maybe i'll, i don't know. switch to fiction fully, and write newspaper novels. (romances de folhetim. oops! doxxed myself! fuck it.) maybe i'll switch to poetry and do a poem every day for january, or february, or the period between january 8th to february 14th—i don't know. i don't fucking know.

i don't know what i'm doing. maybe that's why i always look for writing advice. i write like i don't know what i'm doing, because i don't, ever. i see writers i admire writing better than me, with better metaphors (when have i ever followed chekhov's fucking gun) and better characters and even better sentence structure (i always start my damn sentences with a pronoun). and i don't know what i'm doing, and it's the best i know how to do. and this is the one thing i believe i've been able to do well, and even at it i suck, so fuck! fuck! i don't want to be worthless! if nothing about me is of note, what will i be if i lose my words, too?

i won nanowrimo in 2018. 2018 was the best year of my life—i talked about that in therapy today. not directly. i won nanowrimo in 2018. in 2018, i almost became friends with the author of the blog that inspired me to do this. i met them in 2018, and i've put them on a pedestal since the very day we met, i think. or since the day i read a fic of theirs for the first time. (yeah, ficwriters, ficreaders. i'll talk about it later.) i wrote reasonably successful fics in 2018 and in 2020, and in both those years i found people around me that were just so much better than me, and i did nothing but compare myself to them. the difference with this year is that i've found no one new, so i compare present me with past selves, and i still can't outdo anyone. i am worse than 17-year-old them. i am worse than every version of them i have ever known. i am shit.

i think self-esteem is one of the things for which admission is not in the path to recovery—admitting you have a self-esteem problem, if that problem is low self-esteem, is admitting you have a problem, and you're fucked up, and that makes you worse. how can i get better? external validation? i'm already a fucking narcissist. i don't know how i manage to hate myself and think so highly of myself at the same time, but i must be special, ey? there must be something unique about the ridiculous way my brain works that allows me to be this way.

maybe if i die famous someone will psychoanalyse this blog. maybe this blog will be anonymous forever, and, once or after i stop using it, it'll just be another grave in the online cemetery. and no one will know who i was, like no one knows who i am.

maybe, hey? all we can do is wait.

[notmuchtoconceal]

henry genuine article kept going on these insane frothing rants about douchebag porn in my DMs despite his likes being full of athleticbrutality posts and it made no fucking sense to me ever because, uh -- bro, did you see the shit he used to write?

the shit he used to write was nasty, brutish and long. the shit he used to write was exquisitely realized erotic horror that delved into the rawest part of the primal pain. i thought i was dealing with a sophisticated adult who had a handle on his own shit, but nope.

that was me. that was my projection.

all the good smut i used to write came completely outta denial. that shit would rise straight up outta my unconscious and i would look at it and compute cultural critique. that the substance of my unconscious is not my own, it was inherited -- is a true statement. these impulses came from others, and any shame i ought feel about them must be shared with my progenitors. if they can't fuckin deal, fuck em. i'm not gonna be a coward to preserve their feelings.

it's true. i did have a shitload of unconquered egoism i'd never properly dealt with. so do most men. the constantly agonizing, aching contortion at narcissism, narcissism, narcissism, my poor friend, the lil idiot, the wise man and eternal child, inflicted upon me were entirely at his own expense. his narcissism may not have originated in him -- from the descriptions of his mother and father he gave, i'm certain it didn't originate in him -- yet nonetheless, it was in him when we spoke, and if he's not dead in a gutter somewhere, it's still in him now.

if he doesn't wanna take responsibility for his own narcissism, he's making excuses. if he wants to scream the shit he hates about himself at the only people who can tolerate his presence long enough to know him, he's guaranteed to end up alone, which is what he wanted. he was deeply unhappy because he never knew himself because he spent his whole life trying to make himself acceptable to people who hated him, and i loved him, but i wasn't good enough for him, because he had no barometer for what constituted a healthy relationship or even a healthy reality.

bro, he wanted me to be his dad, but he also had me sterotyped as an idiot millenial for some reason?

he didn't think any of his presuppositions through because he just kept adopting everyone's opinions to not get hit. of course he was a raging narcissist. you were apparently the only one who listened to him and didn't judge, except uh -- every time you defended yourself against his insane projections, he thought that was judging.

he needed everyone to be his mother. everyone needed to offer him unconditional love and encouragement and infinite patience or else they were the bad man. he had no idea how deeply traumatized he was. he didn't know the things you knew. he talked fucking forty miles a minute and you never had any time to make him pause and clarify basic things about his worldview, so ya just sorta rolled with it.

ya keep rollin, ya get flattened. i don't know what to tell you, bro. the whole time you listened to him and expected no reciprocity in return because you didn't want anyone's help, because your problems are your own, but um -- y'know, all that's doin is you encouraging yourself to erase yourself?

i know what you think you're doing is that if you don't ask for accommodation people can't hold anything over you, but what you're actually doing is telling yourself you don't matter, cause other people are gonna constantly hold things over you, and if there must be a mandatory social contract you can't click off, you're entitled to collect on your due and free-associate or not to your heart's content.

you should have let your good friend know you could have done better than him. it's what he wanted. it's what he knew. it would have made him want you more, cause you know -- how good can you be if you're willin to put up with his bullshit, huh?

he's unpopular for a reason, you know how stupid you must look tryin to be his friend?

mate, how dense can ya fuckin be?

[pumpumdemsugah]

Black men think they're the only ones that experience racism and you as a Black woman can't tell them about their experiences but they know yours. I've never met a Black man that doesn't think he knows the life of Black women better than us and it's the same entitlement and unfettered narcissism you see from every men but the Black man has racism in his back pocket to try to make their egotism look profound.

Even when their life experiences is limited to being a road man and never leaving their area, apparently they have the real truth on the world

I'm always blown away by the aggressive narcissism of the average Black man. How much he thinks he's the protagonist in your lives and he can tell you about your life. The arrogance and insecurity of straight Black men means you're at mercy to their stupidity and you can't convince them otherwise or he's just going to get over emotional and shout because his self worth is dependant on the idea he always has something to teach you and you need to learn to be quiet

Straight Black men are truly the weakest fucking link to the point they make each others lives living hell so project onto Black women that we're as regularly vindictive as they are. Whatever issues I've had with individual Black women is never on the level of catty vile shit Black men will tell me about what other Black men did to them

The pettiest over emotional people you'll ever meet will mostly be men and they think they're clear headed and rational while screaming their heads off

[punkscowardschampions]

Buster & Rio

Buster: [Comes to find her like we said and sees what he sees but they don't see him because not hanging around to watch boy I'm not letting you] Buster: You need to be in Rio: Oh Rio: okay Rio: why though Buster: 🎂 Rio: Didn't have you down as an emoji kinda guy, McKenna Rio: be right there Buster: Full of surprises, you'd know that if you knew me Buster: Stop fantasizing about how I type & come the fuck on Rio: You wanna have a catch-up? Rio: Cute Rio: It ain't your birthday or cake, calm down Buster: I reckon you've got your hands full but I can't blame you for wanting it Buster: Much better offer, like Rio: Ha Rio: Sure Rio: just that talented, babe Buster: One of you has to be, I guess Buster: Christ knows he ain't it Rio: You two met before? Rio: Really are full of surprises, fair play Buster: Met his type about as often as you have Buster: & I saw what I saw, Cavante Buster: Miss me with your behind the bike shed bullshit next time, school's out for summer Buster: You could at least have the decency to keep things hot Rio: Weren't expecting an audience Rio: What the fuck 😂 Buster: Clearly Rio: And oddly enough, even if we was, you ain't the 🎯 demographic Buster: Like I said, you've got your hands too full to handle me Buster: I don't do triangles Rio: So traditional, love that for you Buster: I got the looks for a teen drama, but this ain't one Buster: Save your drama for your boring boyfriend Rio: You so obviously love drama though Rio: so pressed, babe but I put him down, you can go hit him up now 💋 Rio: [showing up for this cake 'cos otherwise rude] Buster: You obviously know me so well Buster: Not like you got the wrong twin there Buster: Understandable, the coming out party was pretty lowkey Rio: Nah, he's definitely not her type Rio: I'm up to date, see Buster: He definitely ain't mine either, so nah, you ain't Buster: Do you not get pretty boys around here unless they're decked in rainbow flags? Explains the choice you made there with that one Rio: It's a bummer no one thought to invite these pretty boys for you Rio: but you know, is granddad's bday so don't think they were high on the guestlist Rio: what you gonna do, eh Buster: It's alright, you can watch me survive it & tell yourself that's why you keep looking at me Rio: Oh my God Rio: your ego 😂 Buster: It's big, yeah Buster: But if you wanna measure it, probably gonna have to wait until after the cake's been cut Buster: Like you said, it's Granddad's moment Rio: [Audibly laughs] Rio: You're funny, McKenna Buster: [A look like 😏] Rio: Is she actually out then Buster: Ask her yourself Buster: She'll proudly tell you Rio: How'd that go Rio: like at School Buster: Do you want my answer or hers? Buster: 'Cause the lads fucking loved it but her 🎯 demographic, less so Rio: Typical Rio: I'll talk to her later Rio: pry her away from my brother/the corner they're hiding in Buster: She'll say it's fine if she says fuck all Buster: You know that Rio: Probably Rio: but I'm easy to talk to Buster: You're funny Rio: You know I am Rio: can but try, McKenna Buster: Easy to make people laugh when you're a kid Buster: Gotta try harder these days Buster: But you know that, yeah? Rio: I was referring to the easy to talk to bit but thanks Rio: You were never this nice Rio: the effort's appreciated Buster: Easy, for sure Buster: I was trying not to make that cheap of a shot seeing as it's a celebration & all but Buster: Since you're so appreciative of my efforts, don't need to hold back, like Rio: Keep dreaming, boy Buster: It should be your nightmare Buster: But I'm only passing through so none of my business if that's a rep you wanna maintain Rio: No one's talking about what I'm thinking Rio: you're the one betraying yourself but go off Buster: That I want you to have your transformative hot girl summer, yeah sure Buster: That's what a supportive family is for Rio: You're such a bullshitter Rio: Who you fooling, no one here Buster: Of course I am Buster: Haven't signed myself up for Truth or Dare yet, unlucky for you Rio: Gross Rio: Supportive family, remember Rio: don't get your roles confused Buster: That was bullshit, remember? Buster: You want me to be real with you, babe Buster: We don't know each other like that, sorry Rio: Heartbreaking Rio: or just boring Buster: You love to be bored though, so you're welcome Rio: Where'd you hear that Buster: I saw it Buster: There's no way to convince me that boyfriend of yours is anything but Rio: We don't know each other like that Rio: let alone knowing anything about him or what I love Buster: Well done for fooling him but you'd have to try harder to attempt it with me Buster: Got that first rate education working in my favour for one thing Buster: Don't just see what I wanna, for another Rio: Let's hope that's true Rio: for both our sakes Rio: begs the question why you are still looking but you can write an essay on it if you get homesick Buster: Amateurish to rely on hope, but you clearly are so I can't expect better Buster: Why do you care where I look or don't, is the real question Rio: When it's at me, it's my business Buster: You've changed your tune, I was all heart eyes for him when it suited you to play that way before Rio: Can you blame me for wanting it to be that Rio: should've run with it Buster: If you need me to be gay to make this easier that's your problem Buster: You should learn self control Buster: Your boyfriend clearly has some, or it's worse than I feared and he's not holding back at all, that's just all there is Rio: Yeah, that's what I meant Rio: Sorry you want an encore but that ain't happening for you, babe Buster: Yeah, I desperately wanna see that again Buster: I already know what not to do, but cheers Rio: I know Rio: This party is a bit of a let-down but did we expect anything better Rio: super glad to hear you've learnt something worth learning from your first rate education, btw Buster: You wish, but show me something better & I'll consider turning my head, like Buster: Until then it's just cake & candles Buster: Pass it on to my parents if you see them, they'll appreciate the validation of the single good choice they've made recently, I'm sure Rio: No one's trying to turn your head, McKenna Rio: Would but then I'd have to regale them of how I know you didn't always know what not to do and no one needs to relive that, least of all me Buster: Like you said, it's a shit party Buster: Oh so reliving it every night's too much for you? Shame. I'd have reckoned on you having more stamina Rio: Yeah, you wanna pay for my therapy? Rio: The night terrors are really draining Buster: As long as you make sure to tell 'em how you used to follow me around everywhere Buster: You know, the real facts Rio: Excuse you Rio: No I never 😂 Rio: this is my town, you were following me Buster: Is your memory always this selective or just when you wanna save face? Buster: You're the one who is and was desperate for a repeat performance Rio: If only Rio: then I could forget you ever said that Rio: have to go get a drink and try my best instead, eurgh Buster: I don't need to be told how unforgettable I am, babe Buster: I hear it all the time Rio: And I'm the one who's bored Rio: sounds like a riot Buster: I never said I wasn't Buster: I'm here, of course I am Rio: Yeah who wouldn't wanna rush on back to that Buster: I know you'll miss me but like I said, only a quick visit Rio: Been doing just fine with the schedule we had, you know Rio: let's not see each other again for another however many years if we can, tah Buster: If you were you wouldn't feel the need to tell me Buster: This convo can end any time if you're really that fine about it Rio: You're so up yourself Rio: I'm being polite, how families do, at least some of the time Buster: What would you say if you weren't being polite, how much of a cunt I am? Buster: Sounds like more fun if I can be honest at least once Rio: You've already had your turn Rio: remember Rio: ain't my fault you went with the lowest hanging fruit Buster: All I remember is lying through my teeth since I got here Buster: How families do Rio: You can try again if you reckon you can do better Buster: I can always do better Rio: Go on then Buster: I don't reckon kissing you would go down too well with the rest of the fam Buster: But if you wanna meet me outside, say when Rio: Umm we were talking about being honest Buster: What do you want me to be honest about? Rio: Well you said you could do better than 'easy' but did you actually think I wanted you to kiss me, what the fuck Buster: Bold of you to assume I've spent any time thinking about what you want Buster: There's no need when you make it so obvious Rio: You're cracked Rio: there's easy then there's that Buster: Protest some more & it might actually reach your eyes next time you look at me, like Rio: So you're actually delusional, cool Rio: Bet your shrink is soooo much an hour, yeah? Buster: If I had one he would be Buster: Or better yet, she would be Buster: But I'm the well-adjusted twin Buster: Evil but able to own it, you know Rio: Of course Rio: your own self-assessment doesn't reek of narcissism at all, babe 😂 Buster: It ain't my fault the world was set up to revolve around me Buster: A hot as fuck white lad with money & education ain't gonna hate himself, sorry about it Rio: Yeah, put it in Latin and that's the Tory tagline Rio: ain't thick, McKenna Buster: A calidum album et irrumabo iniecit puero pecuniam & educationem est non amet odio ipsum, contristari super eo Rio: [Lols again] Buster: [is again 😏 but there's more a genuine grin vibe to it] Rio: [goes off with her mans for ages] Buster: [change that to 😒 but more subtly] Buster: [When you're lowkey drinking too much even though you are but a child] Rio: [coming back and getting some drinks] Buster: [A look because he's his father's son] Rio: [just like 'hey!' 'cos you tryna be nonchalant but the look threw you a bit like okay] Buster: [when you walk off cos you're that rude] Rio: Charm 101 next year, is it Buster: My mum's written me a note to get me out of it Buster: [When you're trying to get your parents attention like can we leave but its a no go] Rio: The list of perks truly is neverending Buster: Yeah Buster: Maybe they'll adopt you if you keep asking nicely Buster: 3 kids was the dream Rio: Your least favourite number, so Rio: stick with being number one of my family, #2 Buster: If you ever wanna have a meeting of the golden children, you know where I live Rio: Slainte Rio: [raises her glass from across the room] Buster: [Doesn't raise his because dickhead but does down his drink obvs] Rio: Wow don't wish death on me with such abandon, people start to reckon you don't like me or something Buster: This family's worst kept secret, like Rio: Nah, reckon you've got plenty of competition for that one Rio: not even juicy, like Buster: Sarcasm's really lost on you, isn't it? Buster: That an Irish thing or a you thing Rio: You're a letter short Buster: Hilarious Rio: Not really Rio: Ha Buster: I know you've got a shit lad on your arm but don't scrap the barrel even lower Buster: There'll be fuck all left of it Rio: Why do you reckon he's so shit Buster: I have an awareness of my surroundings Buster: Not to mention senses that work Rio: No one's gonna ask you to fuck him, it's alright Buster: He might, but as we established, not a fucking gay Rio: Trust me, neither is he Buster: I'm thrilled for you Buster: Compatibility wise you've got that one thing locked down Rio: 💘 Rio: should cuff him now, is what you're saying Rio: thanks Buster: Yeah, that's my resounding advice Buster: It's worked out so well for so many members of this fam Rio: Ikr Rio: just want an invite to my child wedding Rio: any excuse to be back in the homeland Buster: Only if there's a free bar or money behind it Rio: fucking tightarse Rio: you put money behind it and you don't have to get me too many gifts Buster: I'm not paying to drown my sorrows 'cause I'm at a family function where you're the centre of attention Buster: Fuck that Rio: Please Rio: you love it Rio: sit you at the table with all the other broken-hearted boys Buster: You wish Buster: You don't need a table for a couple of lads, bar stools will do Rio: Easy, remember Rio: real loss for the entire community Rio: have to get out the plastic garden chairs and everything Buster: Why they ain't broken hearted, they got what they wanted without needing to marry you Buster: Keep up Rio: You wanna keep up with how good I am Rio: alas, dear cousin Buster: You wanna be in the same league as me more like Buster: It was cute when we were little but you need to get over it now Rio: Nah, the whole public schoolboy thing is not my scene but I'm happy for you that it's not giving you mad trauma Rio: nice to have fond school memories Buster: You wanna try that again? Make it more believable Rio: What can I say? Rio: Too nice, me Rio: as discussed Buster: What can I say? Buster: More fool you Rio: Hardly sat here taking it personal, babe Buster: Good to know Rio: Like you care Buster: I don't Buster: I thought that was obvious by now Rio: If you didn't you wouldn't feel the need to tell me Rio: Bless Buster: If you could pick up on anything, I wouldn't have to Buster: But here we are, still chatting away Rio: Shit party, like I said Buster: Shit lad, like I said Rio: So? Rio: The wedding isn't actually in the Spring, you know Buster: So don't you want someone who can hold your attention Rio: Don't we all, McKenna Rio: what's your point Buster: What's the matter, not as irresistible as you front? Buster: If you can get any lad, get a better one Rio: That's about holding their attention, not mine Rio: that's easy Buster: You could have it all Buster: That should be easy if you ain't full of shit Rio: All lads are boring Rio: 'til you grow up, which something doesn't happen 'til you're like 50, if ever Buster: Become a gay along with my sister then Rio: You're alright, thanks Buster: You come at me with a problem, I offer you a solution Buster: What families do Rio: Aside from the blindingly obvious fact that girls hold my attention even less Rio: but pat yourself on the back, have at it Buster: You're alright Rio: Mhmm Buster: Are you really not gonna offer to return the favour? Buster: Bullshit are you polite Rio: What's your problem then? Rio: Aside from the obvious, which is what the shrink is for, you're welcome Buster: The obvious being what, according to you? Rio: Oh honey Rio: he's not that boring Rio: we'll be here 'til the next birthday/anniversary/bullshit holiday Buster: [laughs himself] Rio: [when you get to be a lil 😏] Buster: [when you getting drunk on the low, sorry everyone] Rio: Hope you learnt how to handle your drink better than that time we stole that bottle of Rio: what even was it, from the pub and you spewed everywhere Rio: that was grim Buster: I was a kid & it was brandy Buster: The odds were against me Rio: 😂 Rio: we were all kids and you really gave us away Rio: still can't with that smell Buster: Fuck you Buster: You said you'd look after me Buster: Don't take up nursing, yeah? Rio: Don't hold it against me like I knew you'd be redecorating the walls before we were even halfway through Rio: I'm so caring Rio: but the uniform ain't as cute as they let on so I won't Buster: It only looked that bad to you 'cause you were seeing it in triple Rio: Never felt so sick since Rio: should've put me off for life by rights Buster: It put me off for a summer Buster: Felt like fucking ages Rio: Alright, you tiny alcoholic Buster: What can I say? I'm obviously a glutton for punishment Buster: Why I'm talking to you still Rio: Ew Rio: People you can see for that too, McKenna Rio: just don't get your appointments confused Buster: It ain't something I wanna change, but cheers Rio: They don't change it, silly Buster: Or chat bullshit about then, whatever Buster: You know what I meant Rio: Don't act like you don't know what I mean Rio: not that sweet and innocent Rio: your search history is no doubt littered with what I mean Buster: Not at all sweet or innocent, but you've made it clear you don't wanna know Rio: Have I Buster: A lesser man would've taken offense at being called cracked Rio: You actually talk like you're from the 1800s Rio: it's ace Buster: That's basically the first thing that school teaches Buster: You should go if you're that into it Rio: No hiding the accent Rio: you don't sound like scum Rio: or the colour Rio: bet you have like Saudi princes and that's your diversity checked Buster: They don't all sound as hot as me though & they ain't all allowed to be white or male, that'd be a lawsuit Buster: No princes but me, alas Rio: 😂 Rio: What's the point then Rio: not leaving Dublin for less Buster: I can't say I'm gutted Rio: You've said plenty weirder Rio: cracked, remember, I know I said that for a reason but I forgot Buster: I can't say it 'cause I would be gutted to have to go to school with you Buster: It'd be well distracting Rio: I have that affect, yeah Buster: You & me both but I'd rather keep on this side of it & keep my A*s Rio: Humblebrag Rio: keep it for the Oxbridge application Buster: Nah, a not even little known fact actually Buster: I can't be the Golden Boy with any less Rio: Sad Rio: everyone loves me just 'cos Buster: 🍀 Buster: Not sure my parents are capable of real emotion & they're the ones we're talking about so Rio: Sure they are Rio: Anger is an emotion Buster: Everyone knows they used all the positive ones on their grand love affair though Rio: Not trying to turn that into a triangle, don't you worry Rio: though that'd shit on all other worst kept secrets so it's a shame Buster: They are just less hot versions of me, be more blatant Rio: That's a bold claim Rio: and I said I'm not trying so not really Buster: It's a true story is what it is Rio: Hit them with it Rio: see what they reckon Buster: Been there, done that Rio: 😏 'Course Rio: you're such a delight Buster: Not really, but I'm not trying to be Rio: Trying out that sarcasm bullshit Buster: Stating a fact Buster: Right now all I'm trying to be is drunk Rio: I was talking about me Rio: not the only one capable of self-absorption, babe Buster: Oh Buster: Try harder then Rio: You can keep it, I reckon Rio: just another way of chatting shit but acting smug like you've said what you meant Buster: Try it on your boyfriend before you decide to fully uncommit, I reckon Buster: You look hot when you look smug Rio: How drunk are you Rio: aside from the obligatory 'not drunk enough' Buster: I'm not asking you to take care of me this time Buster: Don't worry about it Rio: Good job too Buster: Yeah, if you're still that shit at it Rio: Oh my God Rio: what other grudges are you holding, like Buster: It's what families do, babe Rio: Nah Rio: live and let live this lot Buster: Tell it to Nance, she's gutted I'm not wearing a 🌈 pin in support months later Rio: You two are dramatic Rio: I told you Buster: It's been passed down from both parents, I've told you before Buster: No fucking chance to be otherwise on that Rio: Gutted Buster: I'm rich enough it's expected of me regardless Buster: So I ain't crying Rio: if you are, hankies got the thread count to handle it, got it Buster: I'll just straight up wipe my eyes on the 💸 Rio: Truly a nightmare, boy Rio: give you that Buster: You're still dreaming about me Buster: I'll take it Rio: You're not funny Buster: You've proved otherwise however many times tonight already Buster: Stop laughing & maybe I'll buy it Rio: You have your moments Rio: don't push it Buster: Where's the fun in that? Rio: Shit party will be over soon and you can go back to having whatever passes for in your neck of the woods Buster: & until then we're both bored Buster: Tell me you don't want a little push Rio: What do you have in mind then Rio: or is this all just more chat Buster: You mean to also tell me you can't read my mind? Buster: Way to disappoint me Rio: 💔 Rio: Nothing worse than crossed wires is there Buster: I was thinking a little drinking game from your neck of the woods Buster: What have you got for me? Rio: Alright Rio: Come on then Buster: Go for your life Rio: [like are you two just playing, where is her mans, so many questions] Buster: [it has to be just them though unless he can take her man down and impress her on the low, that's the only way he can be involved] Rio: [the best one I've found is bullshit, basically you have to lie about your card hand and when you get caught in a lie you drink] Buster: [in this land of fiction pretend she knows a badass one/has made up a badass one because would have] Rio: [bin off the boy too] Buster: [what a mood] Rio: [gotta cockblock though] Buster: [better than we did with baze anyway, you got years yet lads] Rio: [get whisked away beech he's gonna be bored af] Buster: [& Buster gonna be drunk af oh lord] Rio: [partayyy] Buster: [your parents can't say shit at least boy cos they were doing it] Rio: [but will, parents are hypocrites for life] Buster: [and baze are the biggest byeeeeee that's the tea] Rio: [trubigfacts] Buster: [this drinking game should involve forfeits and it should be brandy cos the mems] Rio: [lord they're gonna vom] Buster: [he definitely will cos throwback] Rio: is that your pile of vom I just walked past or is someone else flagging too Buster: What kind of lawyer would I make if I answered that honestly Rio: 😂 Rio: Plead the fifth or whatever the fuck Buster: Exactly Buster: Couldn't have put it better myself Rio: let's hope you can or you'll never pass the bar, babe Buster: Never seen a bar I wanted to walk past, babe Rio: Omg Rio: granddad, that you Buster: [lols] Buster: Where is he though? Buster: Fucking done one from his own party Rio: Would if you could Rio: can't blame him Buster: He could've took me with him Buster: I can blame him for that Rio: Awh Rio: cute Buster: Shut up Buster: I wanna go home, that's not a secret Rio: You also wanna be favourite, less of a secret Buster: If you don't, you're stupider than you act Rio: Rude Buster: True Rio: Nope Buster: Yeah Rio: Think what you like Buster: Not gonna think what I don't like Buster: Not that much of a glutton for punishment, like Rio: Neither am I, so I don't care what you think Buster: Cute Rio: 🙄 Buster: If you actually did that instead of 😍 at me, maybe I'd believe you Rio: If I needed any more proof you were wasted Rio: Good thing you can't drive or we'd be taking your keys right now Buster: If I could drive, I'd have left ages ago Rio: Can't say I'd be gutted Buster: Not out loud nah Buster: Say it with your eyes as standard Rio: What are you looking at my eyes so much for then Buster: Safest place Rio: Jesus, McKenna Buster: Well, it is Buster: I didn't dress you in that Rio: I'm a big girl, can dress myself now Buster: Good to know Rio: You're such a dick Buster: & what? Buster: Is your problem that you don't like it or you do? Buster: 'Cause either way, not mine Rio: Oh fuck off Buster: Like you said, I would if I could Rio: you don't have to be annoying me Buster: You don't have to reply to me Rio: Yeah, that's probably how this usually goes for you Rio: like I'm gonna sit here and let you chat shit on me Buster: Mute me, I thought you already had anyway Rio: Why should I Buster: You're the one who's so fine with the way things are between us Buster: Why wouldn't you? Rio: I can be civil Buster: Why bother? Rio: Because I'm not some kid who gets his kicks out of being a dick? Rio: You're fucking immature Buster: You get your kicks out of being around me Buster: Obviously Rio: Why do you keep saying shit like this Buster: 'Cause you won't Rio: Because it's not true Buster: Bullshit Buster: I was there Buster: I'm here now Rio: We were kids Buster: Irrelevant Rio: How could that possibly be irrelevant Rio: kids do stupid shit constantly Buster: I do stupid shit now Buster: According to you, I'll do stupid shit til I'm 50 if not forever Rio: So Rio: what are you saying, we repeat that as well as the brandy? Buster: I did throw up so probably not but Rio: Yeah, that's the only reason why not Buster: It's my only reason Rio: You're gonna regret at this when you sober up, so I'll do you a favour and ignore it Buster: Don't do me any favours Buster: You don't know me like that any more Rio: It's just what families do Buster: Yeah Rio: Don't worry about it Buster: I wasn't Buster: I won't Rio: Glad to hear it then Buster: I bet Rio: Why wouldn't I be Buster: Of course you would, it makes shit really easy for you, that's literally what I'm saying Buster: Nobody's worried about it, we're so unfazed it can be like it never happened Rio: What, because you're twatted I should go for it Rio: that's not horrible at all, is it Buster: 'Cause you want to Buster: That's the reason Rio: Buster just don't Rio: alright Buster: Yeah 'cause me shutting up about it is gonna make a world of difference Buster: Been there, tried that Rio: I don't know what you want right now Rio: I don't think you do either Buster: That's the best lie of the night Buster: 🏆🎉 Rio: Thanks Rio: fanfare not necessary but I'll take my prize in cash or booze Buster: Have a drink on me then Rio: Cheers Buster: [finally raises his glass in a cheers which is probably empty anyway] Rio: [imagine bazes faces rn lol] Buster: [does one at them too because shout out mum & dad] Rio: Probably a decent plan if your parents were normal Rio: get so embarrassing they have to take you home Rio: but reckon they'll let you ride it out and suffer tomorrow so Buster: Still, I'll pass out eventually so one way or another, I'm leaving Rio: Don't say things like that Rio: that's really depressing Buster: I'm not here to make you feel good babe, you passed on that Rio: Yeah 'cos I'm worried about me Buster: Bullshit do you care about me Buster: Get over yourself Rio: What kind of bitch do you actually think I am Buster: One who doesn't care, did I slur too much then or what? Rio: Loud and clear Buster: Good Rio: Yeah Rio: have fun with this hangover Buster: Cheers Buster: I won't wait for you to show up in the nurse gear Rio: I wouldn't Rio: Bitch or not, not happening Buster: Talk to my fucking sister if you're any kind of caring bitch Rio: I already have Rio: you're obsessed with yourself but I actually ain't Buster: If that's meant to impress me you've taken a wrong turn Rio: No, it's meant to be a fuck you Rio: keep up Buster: That actually would be impressive if you could come close to pulling it off Rio: Shut up Rio: for fuck's sake Buster: If you don't like it, do something about it Buster: Don't just fucking take it Buster: Who are you now? Rio: You're being that pathetic right now, I'm not going to fight you Buster: There's loads of different ways to fight Buster: But if you wanna take a cop out, go for it Rio: and what's the point in that? Rio: you like being like this, apparently, so enjoy it Rio: like you've said, we don't know each other like that, why would anything you say about me matter Buster: You tell me, babe Buster: Why does it? Rio: This is ridiculous Rio: You're ridiculous Buster: How far under your skin, am I? Buster: That's what's ridiculous Rio: You wish Buster: I haven't touched you for years Buster: I don't need to Buster: What do I need wishes for? Rio: You're disgusting Buster: Like you said, my search history is Rio: At least you can admit that Buster: I told you earlier, I can own it Buster: All of it Buster: Why can't you? Rio: 'Cos you want me to say something stupid just so you can take the piss later Rio: but I ain't gone enough for that shit Buster: No I don't Rio: Yeah you do Buster: I don't Buster: I probably won't remember this later, fuck's sake Rio: You definitely won't Buster: So cut the bullshit Buster: What does it matter? Rio: Alright Rio: when you do Buster: 😂 Buster: Alright Buster: This is why I fucking missed you Buster: Well played, like Rio: 🙄😏 Rio: Win again, do I? Buster: Is that what you need from me? Okay then Rio: Obviously Rio: I'm the competitive one here Buster: It ain't never been all me Buster: Don't lie that hard Rio: Okay Rio: a bit Rio: you bring out the worst in me, how about that for a compromise Buster: I'll take it Rio: Good Buster: That kiss proved you bring out the worst in me too so Rio: 😂 Rio: Don't even try to blame me for that Buster: Nobody else has complained Buster: It's obviously your fault Rio: SINCE Rio: if you're having any success now it's thanks to me Buster: Well there weren't no before Buster: That don't mean you taught me anything Rio: Yeah it does Buster: How would you, you barely kissed me back Rio: We couldn't both be on attack Rio: defensive was my only hope Buster: What can I say? I go after what I want Rio: Hmm Buster: Don't even try & act like that ain't true Rio: Just curious why you were after my tonsils so bad Buster: It wasn't the aim Buster: Only the consequence Rio: You're funny Buster: & yeah my aim was a little bit the problem Buster: But fuck off Rio: 😂 Rio: you were in the general vicinity Buster: Cheers that's well comforting Rio: Hit you with a 'it happens to all lads' if you like, really cheer you up Buster: Don't fucking dare Buster: Trying to jinx me or some shit now Rio: I know you're still a virgin Rio: you'd probably have liveblogged it or some shit if you weren't Buster: Yeah I might Rio: I'll definitely mute you before then Rio: s'all good Buster: Unless your boyfriend needs the tips Buster: Fingers crossed they ain't all gonna be as shit as this one Rio: He isn't my first boyfriend Rio: but I haven't slept with any of them Rio: contrary to what you reckon Buster: What do you want me to say? Rio: Erm try sorry, wanker Buster: Alright Buster: I am then Rio: You're what Buster: I'm not gonna fucking get on my knees for it Buster: You know what I'm saying Rio: Say it then Rio: one word Rio: not asking the rest, am I Buster: Jesus Buster: That's a fucking word Rio: Why you bringing him into this Rio: he would never Buster: He would 100% get on his knees Buster: Guaranteed Rio: You like punishment, I heard Rio: crucifying you is a bit much Buster: He's basically never upright unless you nail him, the soft cunt Buster: That's all I'm saying Rio: Why are you slating him right now Rio: just 'cos he's the bigger man and would apologize Buster: Distraction Buster: Obviously Rio: Well try harder Buster: Don't tempt me Rio: Ha Rio: come on Rio: or do you wanna owe me Buster: Fuck that Buster: Look, I'm sorry, yeah? Rio: There Rio: that was actually easy, wasn't it Rio: apology accepted Buster: Cheers then Buster: Just one more thing Rio: What Buster: Don't bother fucking this one Buster: Trust me Buster: That's me doing you a favour, however we know each other Rio: Looking unlikely Rio: but I'll keep it in mind Buster: Good Buster: I don't need the mental images on top of the boring display I already saw Rio: Well that's your own fault Buster: Technically it's yours for not being inside Rio: Well I'm not sorry Rio: it weren't that bad Buster: You weren't Buster: His case has been made Rio: just keep your opinions to yourself Rio: or at least between us Rio: don't need a scrap right now Buster: I'm not dumping him for you, calm down Rio: Isn't that what brothers are meant to do Rio: don't think Junior is gonna be very useful to me Rio: sorry, like Buster: You can have my sister Buster: She's a proper manhater Buster: It'd be quality Rio: 😂 Rio: Bad enough I dragged him to a family function Rio: can't just let everyone start attacking him Buster: Why did you? Buster: Too much of a rookie error even for you Rio: 'cos I knew it'd probably be boring Buster: Yeah but so's he Buster: You can't fight boring with more boring, babe Rio: I obviously didn't think so, did I Buster: You're only lying to yourself at this point Buster: I could fucking see that you were bored senseless Buster: Come on Rio: I don't know then Rio: beats being alone Buster: Alone with a family this size Buster: Chance would be a fine thing Rio: Easy Rio: like you said, no one's looking, no one gives a fuck Buster: Everyone's looking & pretending they ain't Buster: They don't give enough of a fuck though, that's true Rio: Changed your tune now you're not trying to get me to kiss you Rio: but agreed Buster: I weren't gonna do it in the middle of them all Buster: Hold up everyone, get in a fucking circle really quick Rio: said like you weren't acting like an insane person Buster: When have I ever acted like a sane person? Buster: What kid necks brandy in the middle of the morning Buster: You used to like it Rio: Never said I didn't Buster: So you do still like me then Rio: You sound surprised Buster: That'll be 'cause I am Rio: I'm a nice fucking person Rio: 😂 Idk why you reckon I ain't Buster: You were nice to me 'cause you had a massive crush on me, it don't make you a saint Buster: If anything, it makes you the opposite Rio: Charming Rio: any ulterior motives I might've had, as a literal child, flew right out the window with that kiss didn't they so that's invalid Buster: You were still running round after me for a fair while before though Buster: It took you long enough to take the hint Buster: *after Rio: No I was not Rio: your selective memory Buster: You were & I had to be the opposite of charming Buster: You ain't talked to me since so that fucks your sainthood Rio: That was obviously what you wanted Rio: wouldn't be very saintly to keep 'running 'round after you' Buster: There's your excuse, you can have it Rio: I don't need no excuse Rio: I was here Rio: it was you that was avoiding, making it weird Buster: Don't act like you never avoided me Buster: Just 'cause I started it Rio: Well, it don't matter now, does it Buster: You're doing it now Buster: You can't look at me Rio: [does like yeah I can] Buster: [a moment because of course he's looking at her too] Rio: How many fingers am I holding up? Rio: [flips him off but grins with it] Buster: Not enough for a fun night Rio: 😂 Buster: Unless your grip is like Buster: Really something Rio: Were you always this Rio: I don't even know Buster: Puberty made me even more of a thorn in your side in every way, babe Buster: Take it up with your fave lad, Jesus Buster: Or his dad Rio: One in the same, lad Buster: He's his own dad? How does that work Rio: I know, mental Rio: hear he made the whole universe too? Rio: wild stuff Buster: I could say I did that, It don't make it a real thing Buster: Even wilder stuff Rio: your proclivity for bullshit is known Rio: could tell me anything, don't mean I'll believe it Buster: Shame I won't remember that Rio: Is it? Buster: Isn't it? Rio: What are we talking about now? Buster: The fucked upness that will be my tomorrow Rio: Don't envy you that Buster: At least I won't have to talk to you & vice versa Buster: Small mercy there Rio: Drama queen Buster: 👑 Rio: Should get some water though for real Buster: Me or you? Rio: You Buster: Nah, I don't need that shit Buster: I'm not going to bed Rio: What are you gonna do Buster: Stay here Buster: Like old times Rio: Okay Rio: but don't forget, when you do Buster: You sound more like a mum than the one I've got Rio: Just doing my bit Buster: By rights you should've been a good nurse Buster: What a fucking curve Rio: I would be Rio: it's so rude holding that against me Rio: it was pretty scary actually Rio: thought you was gonna start vomming blood or something Buster: That would've been such a cool story Buster: Let's tell people I did that Rio: Can tell your mates Rio: all posh boys are psychopaths Buster: Yeah Buster: Why they love me at this school Buster: Gonna be Headboy in no time Rio: Probably Rio: but you ain't Buster: Yeah I will, I just had to get a rep first Rio: I mean, you ain't a psycho Rio: unlucky Buster: How do you know? Buster: Easily could be Rio: Nah Buster: Then, I'll just fake it til I make it, I guess Rio: Should work Rio: easy to convince people of what they wanna see Buster: Exactly Rio: What would you wanna be head boy for though actually Buster: Get such a hard on for a badge obviously Buster: What kind of question is that? Rio: [A lol] Rio: Fucking nerd Buster: If I ain't Headboy someone else is Buster: That makes them better than me Buster: Nobody's better than me so Rio: Better in the eyes of teachers Rio: at fucking...being a good example and peer mentor or whatever the fuck it actually means Buster: Don't be stupid Buster: It's a popularity contest Buster: They might as well give you a fucking 👑 Rio: 🙄 Rio: you're so weird Buster: Fuck off Rio: Honestly Rio: be wanting to be prom king next Buster: Obviously I do Buster: What the fuck Rio: 😂 Rio: Stop Buster: You stop Buster: Taking the piss out of me Rio: I'm sorry but you're being funny Buster: You ain't sorry at all Buster: But yeah, I'm hilarious, like Rio: If that's what you care about that's fine, I guess Rio: don't get it but you know Buster: I don't need you to get me Buster: Calm down Rio: I'm not trying, am I Rio: taking the piss Buster: Stop though Rio: I have Rio: I will Buster: Good 'cause I'm gonna be sick Buster: [is but hopefully not everywhere please boy] Rio: Oh God Rio: run Buster: You worry so much Buster: I thought we weren't doing that shit Rio: so I'll just let you chunder everywhere Rio: it's not like above and beyond is it Rio: get you a sodding glass of water if you let me Buster: You're so cute Rio: And you are very very drunk Buster: And I really wanna go home Buster: Why does nobody listen to me? Christ Rio: Let me find a sober adult for you Rio: I think both your parents are drinking Buster: Good fucking luck with this lot Rio: Seriously Rio: [my thoughts are probably Caleb 'cos not a big drinker even as a teen so as an adult, with some small kids still?] Buster: [A logical conclusion I feel like, also less awkward to talk to your dad than like whoever else it could be like Ro god forbid cos we know how that future is panning out] Rio: [also she'd be #horrified at the state of him so avoid that lmao] Rio: My da can take you, if you like Rio: don't like choke on your own sick though Rio: shall I find Nance to come? Buster: Or you could just come so I don't have to talk to your dad Rio: Of course I'm coming in the car Rio: like I trust you and your mouth rn Rio: but someone should stay with you Buster: Stay with me then Rio: Yeah? Rio: Alright Rio: give me 5 to sort shit then Buster: I'll start the countdown now, like Rio: You ain't allowed to say anything about the quality of my nursing ever again, you know that right Rio: [tell your mans its time to go] Buster: I know that I won't remember fuck all about it, either way Buster: Lucky escape for you there Rio: Ha, funny Rio: be less so when I poison you Buster: You don't reckon I've beat you to that already? Buster: Hilarious Rio: There's time and opportunity to finish you off now Rio: fool Buster: Maybe that's how I wanna go Buster: Could all be a carefully planned and orchestrated situation, babe Rio: Nah Rio: got head boy and prom king to win yet Buster: Lying in my grave kinda takes that pressure off Buster: I can just leave them with all these fond memories Buster: Such as now Buster: Be Golden Boy forever Rio: Shh Rio: so morbid Rio: maybe you are 🍀 after-all Buster: Dead babies will do it to you Buster: & yeah, same family, remember Rio: Come on Buster: Shh we're not allowed to talk about it Buster: Actual worst kept secret Rio: You ain't letting that stop you Rio: talk about whatever you like, not listening anyway am I Buster: Of course you are Buster: Never been able to ignore me Rio: You are pretty loud Buster: [laughs loudly so point proven there] Rio: [smiles, when her mans is probably giving him such a dirty look 'cos ruined his plans lmao, get in the car lads] Buster: [Let's hope he didn't see it because we don't need you to smack him boy you're already looking jealous enough when you ain't her mans] Rio: Good thing is if you're sick in here, one of the kids probably did it yesterday so who cares Buster: I don't reckon I can Buster: But if you really want me to, for old times sake, I'll give it my best shot Rio: Sweet but let's keep our bodily fluids to ourselves Buster: All of them? Buster: Shame Rio: [nudges him like 😏] Rio: Behave Buster: Why would I wanna do a thing like that? Buster: Not my dad driving Rio: You don't think you're in enough trouble as is? Buster: I think I could get in more Buster: Easily Rio: Why would you wanna do a thing like that? Buster: 'Cause I'm not your boring boyfriend Rio: No, you ain't Buster: & I got rid of him for you Buster: You're welcome, like Rio: Thought you said you weren't gonna do that Buster: Yeah but Rio: You're alright, I got rid of him Rio: you were just a useful excuse Buster: I aim to please Rio: I'm sure Buster: & my aim's improved since Buster: In case you were worried Rio: 😂 Rio: Pleased for you Buster: You could be pleased for yourself Buster: If you just stop playing Rio: You might not remember any of this tomorrow but I probably will Buster: Promise or a threat? Rio: Take it how you want Rio: just a fact, I ain't as gone Buster: Here's another fact, I don't care Rio: Will when I can rip the piss out of you Buster: If you need this for ammunition you already can't keep up Rio: We've established Rio: I'm nice, you're a dick Buster: Nah, you're passive aggressive, I'm just aggressive Rio: Alright, alpha male 🙄 Buster: That's really not much of an insult, babe Buster: You might as well stop fighting me Rio: I'm not fighting you Rio: wouldn't really be fair would it Buster: That's the difference between me and you Buster: I don't care if the fight's fair Rio: One of Buster: I'll all but knocked myself out for you & you still won't throw any punches Buster: Hilarious Buster: Even Nance would rise to this much bait, like Buster: & she's barely a McKenna Rio: Exactly Rio: wore yourself out, rookie Rio: and don't be rude Rio: she's as much of one as you Buster: [Laughs] Buster: I take it back, that's the best lie of the night actually Buster: You wish, then you could handle it, but nah, stamina for days Buster: & nah she ain't Rio: You're the only one wishing and concerning yourself with what I can handle, boy Buster: Keep telling yourself that, babe Rio: Well, obviously you ain't the ONLY one but in this car Buster: Bold of you to assume your dad don't love me Rio: [lols] Rio: shut up Rio: outweirding yourself Buster: If you weren't too scared you could make me Rio: Who's scared Buster: Me when we were kids & you now Rio: Nah Rio: I know what I'm doing Buster: It doesn't mean you ain't shitting yourself at the prospect of doing it Rio: With my cousin, in a car with my dad? Rio: that's just common sense, McKenna Buster: That's just another bullshit excuse, Cavante Buster: You know where I am & where I've been Rio: You said, you started it Buster: You know why Rio: Yeah? Buster: Yeah Rio: Maybe Buster: Can your dad not drive any faster than this? Buster: Jesus Christ Buster: It would have been quicker to walk, like Rio: How you're stumbling? I think not Rio: What's your hurry, do you need to stop Buster: Need, want, there's not a load of difference Rio: I mean, I'd prefer it if you got out to be sick, thank you Rio: we ain't that far Buster: I'm not gonna puke on you, calm down Rio: You better not Rio: definitely don't know each other like that Buster: The outfit's too good Buster: I won't Rio: Considerate 😏 Rio: [let's get 'em there can't be that far away thanks and bye Caleb] Buster: [have fun getting him in girl] Rio: [get you situated on the sofa 'cos we ain't going to his room rn and be getting water and ting] Buster: [I bet their sofas ain't comfy cos expensive stylish ones never look like they are] Rio: [poor boy] Rio: go get your duvet Buster: You're trusting me to climb these stairs? Buster: Like I said, shit nurse Rio: For goodness sake Rio: where's your room then Rio: it better not be gross or I'm charging Buster: [Tells her cos I can't remember the layout] Rio: 👍 Rio: don't wander Buster: [Lies stretched out on the sofa like a little Crim] Rio: [first throws it at him but then has to tuck 'cos mum] Buster: [Gives her an accidental soft look but when was the last time anyone did that for him lbr] Rio: [puts the TV on 'cos gotta have some pretense of doing something and distraction] Buster: [sipping his water like a good boy] Rio: [is like yasss hydrate lmao] Buster: [when you're like come & lie here with me bitch but in gestures] Rio: [when you do but over the covers] Rio: ['Better?'] Buster: [Just nods because looking at her & having a moment] Rio: ['Good'] Buster: ['Don't go'] Rio: 'I won't, not 'til they get back, don't worry'] Buster: [When you happy about this not only cos you don't wanna be alone but because it's her specifically] Rio: [When you like, don't fall asleep, don't fall asleep 'cos cosy] Buster: [& he's getting closer to her all the time, we see you trying to snuggle boy] Rio: ['when are you going back home then?'] Buster: [Shrugs cos I feel like he genuinely wouldn't know cos can't just do what he wants yet he has to do what baze wants] Rio: ['your friends are probably all at their holiday homes anyway, yeah?'] Buster: ['Course & as far as they're concerned this is mine, don't need to tell 'em it's not on an island somewhere or some shit'] Rio: [laughs quietly 'secret's safe with me'] Buster: ['You sure you can handle keeping another one?'] Rio: ['duh, you know how many brothers and sisters I got, I'm the best at keeping secrets'] Buster: ['Good to know. I'll try & remember'] Rio: [puts up fingers like '10'] Buster: [laughs] Rio: ['don't get ideas though' 'cos throwback] Buster: ['You won't know either way, can't read my mind'] Rio: ['wouldn't want to, filth' but smiling] Buster: ['You'd love it'] Rio: [😏 'go to sleep'] Buster: ['You gonna come with me then?' When you wanna sleep & dream & snuggle together aw] Rio: ['gotta look after you, ain't I' when you stroke his hair but then pretend you just messing it up] Buster: [When you lowkey snuggle into her more than you already were] Rio: ['Don't remember this in the morning, yeah'] Buster: ['Shh, I'm asleep'] Rio: ['Good boy'] Buster: [A smile because always gonna be into that we know] Rio: [when baze and nancy are gonna be so confused like hello?] Buster: [You shoulda known what's up lads, it's always been obvious af] Rio: [she's deffo falling asleep too ain't like she's sober] Buster: [and she's definitely being snuggled rn so who could resist] Rio: when you 'rents probably hitting you up 'cos baze in no fit state to be taking you home like are you staying or what] Buster: [Caleb 100% would, he's that dad who will spam you with texts and missed calls] Rio: [soz babe your kids suck at replying lmao] Buster: [At least he knows where she is] Rio: [true, she'll get woken up when baze get back assumedly then it'll be all sos] Buster: [Dad's taxi come through]

[txicgf]

also dear god i hate myself so much right now like i don't know what's telling me my ego is too high right now and the individuality complex is showing and im being too obnoxious and over explaining myself too often too much but i am so much actually i know exactly what is telling me its me because my behavior is annoying by default and fidgety and i overexplain everything and i have apparently lost the ability to mask my emotions properly and everything i say unintentionally sounds like the most pretentious bullshit ever i fucking hate it

ALSO that's another thing and it's completely unrelated and not about self loathing and kind of feels like im proving my point about pretentiousness but holy FUCK all i wanna do rn is binge my list of movies with That Feeling™ with a person and talk about specific directors like fucking nerds and cinematography and shit and pretend like i know more about it than i do ..... im so LONELY and im almost 100% certain id bore someone to death by doing that but man. i just wanna smoke weed and marathon movies w/ someone :////// AND THEN GO ON A WALK

i just wanna talk about poetry and movies and the universe and all the things that that one annoying guy at parties who thinks he's cool because he listens to the smiths and won't shut up about politics would probably LOVE (bc i kind of am that guy) with someone and not feel like shit about myself for speaking i guess. i love talking and listening and connecting with people so much like it's probably a bigger reason i stayed in band than the actual fuckin music ykno? but SHIT now it's like i can't even open my mouth or respond to a text without wishing i never existed in the first place. i don't know how one person can take up so much space by default, its insane how much i am and how high maintenance i am just naturally. and yet somehow that sounds like the most self centered comment to make, huh?

it feels kind of terrible how self obsessed self loathing is. it's like ouroboros,,,,,, you hate yourself so you're hyper aware of everything about yourself and how you come across to others, and then that hyperawareness turns into obsession with how you present yourself, and then youre so caught up in it and self deprecation and negativity that at that point you ARE self obsessed, and that makes you feel like your self loathing isn't real or it's well hidden narcissism, which makes you hate yourself more and then the cycle starts again until there's nothing left in you

anyways im convinced im a self obsessed narcissist whos so stuck in my brain, i don't see the world as it is and instead mold it and manipulate stories and experiences to make myself look better and be the victim because no matter what i have to prove to myself and others that im the good guy, because i have incredibly strict morals to the point where if someone even slightly challenges them i immediately dehumanize them in my head and raise myself above them as some show of my individuality and how much better i am in comparison, as if it fucking matters anything. and if i can't make up or find some shitty excuse for myself? i wallow in that guilt and carry it on my person like a badge of honor, as if me being in pain is anything but parasitic. i broadcast all of my feelings to an embarrassing point compulsively, and then give nothing else to others in return - instead only to vanish until i need something from them again. OR i turn to drugs and avoid the issue until it's so big im literally on the verge of suicide.

im a parasite to others. a blood sucking leech. all i do is take and ever so slightly modify my behavior so i can change the narrative to my benefit. and everyone can see through me, nobody is happy with my game anymore. they're tired of it, of me, of dealing with it. and if they aren't? they should be. i am.

and all of that sounds like the most mentally ill bullshit in the world, and i know at least part of it IS my own delusions because shit. no one is gonna think about me or anything i do THAT hard, nobody is analyzing me like i do everything. but if you were me, you would feel the way i do. pfft if you were my sisters or aiden, you probably would feel the way i do.

part of me hopes maybe its just in my head,,,, i guess. i wanna blame it on a and say that's not how i am its just what she made me believe about myself but i know that if i showed this to someone close to me they would only try to reassure me because that's what you DO in that kind of situation, and when you get down to it,,,, there's a LOT of truth behind it, even if im hyperbolic. i AM self centered, i literally have a history of people pointing out my victim complex, and when ive brought up these concerns before,,,, some have even kind of agreed at LEAST.

even my personal obsession with "getting better" and self improvement is self obsessed and rooted in self loathing. and the whole '"'personal obsession with getting better and self improvement""" is like???? a normal human being thing and that sentence literally SHOWS the need for individuality and to be different. im so obnoxious.

and yet, i also offer: absolutely no solutions! just a constant stream of self hate and monologuing and whining without ever getting any better or doing anything other THAN hurting myself. im constantly seeking out how to be better to other people, how to present myself in a kinder or less intense manner etc but i forget that the best way to be better to others is to be kind to yourself and enjoy yourself because that's what others are attracted to, but i just can't seem to fucjin do it ! so instead, i keep everyone at an arms length and don't bring up my issues and never do anything about my issues ever and never do anything to figure out how to solve them because im useless! or, if i DO get comfortable enough to talk about my issues, i do them in such depressing detail and at a completely emotionally draining length, all the while offering absolutely no solutions to my problems - no high note to end on, no upsides, nothing. just bumming someone else out and then offering no empathy back. once again, a leech.

and im proving my entire point by writing this long. im tired. im gonna sleep

[fapangel]

You gotta stop shitting on yourself, man, you're better than you think you are. Trust me, an individual is not capable of unbiased self-reflection.

You’ve got a damn good point, and I’ve been thinking on that a lot myself. I used to think that my tendency to hate myself was good, even fully acknowledging that was not accurate - it’d keep me from getting full of myself, it’d keep me grueling and honest, etc. I saw it as being my insurance against becoming self-important like Stephen King, to the point where I ignore editors and let my self-indulgent tendencies overwhelm and drown my work. Fiction writing is inherently self-indulgent; in some ways that’s the point; which is why tempering that impulse enough, but not too much, is one of the keys to development as a writer. Fiction writers are keen to shape their own perfect fantasies and bring them into existence instead of simply feeding off the fantasies of others, none of which are exactly what they want, but you also want to share it with other people, and that means you need something more realistic, gritty, and ultimately relatable than just a pure “things you like” wankfest. 

But the exact opposite is also often true - you need to have some level of narcissism and unwarranted self-confidence to pursue fiction writing, to wake up one day and say “I can fashion my fucking immature personal fantasies and daydreams into Moving Fiction that other people will care about.” This is true far past the boundaries of fiction, even - it’s a studied scientific fact that moderate narcissism is a key ingredient in making successful people successful. If they did not believe in themselves - without warrant, oftentimes - they would not keep trying and trying and trying until they succeed, as hard as they do. It can also walk them into trouble - witness all the shit Elon Musk has recently landed in because of overconfidence - but at the end of the day Elon still has several successful companies, a few gazillion dollars, and has revolutionized one of the world’s most important and future-impacting industries. 

For writers, I think the balance is a lot closer to 50/50. Orson Scott Card himself summed this up: 

Writers have to simultaneously believe the following two things:

1. The story I am now working on is the greatest work of genius ever written in the English language.

2. The story I am now working on is worthless drivel.

--Orson Scott Card

It also illustrates, once again, the inherent lunacy writing demands. You have to have that boundless confidence to swing for the bleachers and create something great, not just safely mediocre, but you also need to be your own worst critic, unafraid to slaughter your darlings if they just aren’t working, so you can keep swinging away till you get a home run instead of nursing a flawed POS to first base. 

So, yeah. As useful as my self-hatred can be for writing, it’s dominating 100% of my life and my writing, and even a master of the craft has identified it as only 50%. So I don’t think I can wave it away or excuse it as “useful” anymore, and if I don’t deal with it soon, it’s going to destroy me. It’s going to keep stopping me from doing the only thing I seem to have any talent at, the only thing I have to offer anyone else in this world, and the only real chance I have at happiness and relevance as a human being. 

There’s a lot of posts in the question queue from months, some from years ago, heaping praise and thanks on me for various writing I’ve done. There’s one in there reminding me of how much they loved Yume Nikki Quest and that they’ll wait for the heat death of the universe if they have to to see the sequel. I can’t emphasize enough how much those messages mean to me, but I let those poor people go unanswered and unacknowledged for no other reason than my own self-loathing tells me that I shouldn’t be jerking myself off. I’m one of those people who take pride in their ability to weather the slings and arrows of a callous world; in no small part because I had to grow up that way through my earliest childhood; a gentle soul who was faced with an unceasing array of bullies (both children and adults.) So I’m naturally reluctant to admit how much I need and want positive validation - especially because my personal bias always tells me that I don’t really deserve it. 

All of this is hard to talk about. It’s hard to face. But over these last two years, especially, it’s become increasingly obvious that I can’t avoid it anymore. I have to deal with it, now, soon, or be destroyed by it. 

I hear you, man. I know you’re telling me the truth. 

I’m trying to act on those truths, one step at at time. 

[mynarcissticex]

I wrote this letter today to my NEX. I want to send it to him so badly, but I'm several weeks NC today, and I just want to stay strong. But THIS is how I truly feel...

To Matt the man I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with -

To begin, let me say that I don't even know why I'm writing this. It's for me, I suppose, as I have so many feelings and emotions bottled up that I feel like I may explode so much truth unravelled lately and I feel disappointed with you because I ignored all those red flags... This week marks my 9 weeks of therapy, and I know that I've been advised to have absolutely "no contact," but I feel like I'm not being true to myself. Or, maybe, it is a lack of self-respect and self-love, and I still have work to do. I truly don't know.

I've never before experienced a soul trauma, despite the abuse I suffered as a child and my ex husband but that was physical never emotional and financial as it was with you I could get over that so easily, I've never in my life been spoken to and treated so horribly as you did to me. It's hard to accept that the person who I loved so much and was loyal to didn't love me at all. When it was "good," it felt so very real. A total mind fuck is what it was. It poured fuel on the fire of every single insecurity I held deep within - my stomach, aging, my fear of abandonment, never being worthy of love, etc. - and it burned what was left of my heart until it no longer felt like insecurities, it became my truth.

I've tried to hate you. God KNOWS I've tried. Yet the empath in me still forgives you. I know the things you've suffered. I know that your head is mixed up with those awful disorders in a way that I can never possibly understand. I know I TRIED to understand. However, despite what any of us have been through, we do have responsibility for our actions. We make choices. To hurt someone and not apologize is a decision. One that we have to live with everyday. You’re a narcissist and very complexed, I know that all of this means nothing to you. You can't feel emotions the way that I do. You can't feel love for someone like I do. You can't reciprocate the love that you're given. If anything, I feel sorry for you, as that must be an awful way to live.

Granted, the reassurance I so desperately needed from you for so long probably made you think I was weak. A poor, wounded soul, and in a lot of ways, I was. I'm a fixer - of situations and people. A giver and I gave you my ALL for 5.5 years whilst battling another nightmare I fought hard to get out of to make you happy but when I told you in the end you ran away like you never knew me at all rather than save me and protect me you just didn’t care, The trauma bond you created for me caused me to run after you for years even when I felt like I was losing you I didn’t want to be alone but you made me feel alone I was nothing to you but a meal ticket. All The times that you gave me the silent treatment, left without fighting for me, and the nights crying myself to sleep and you didn’t care. You felt like I wasn't respecting your space, and I felt like I was trying to save what was left of US. I'm not apologetic for that, because I did love you, and I truly thought you were worth fighting for ONCE, but I do regret all the time that I wasted. It made you angrier and me sadder. Because you proclaimed I was your soul mate but it was all part of your plan to get what you wanted.

I definitely wasn't perfect. The turmoil of being your "Soulmate and bunny" brought out the worst in me as well. I've forgiven myself, though, as it was just me - a kind heart reacting to a very unkind situation. I was loyal to you and expected the same. It was gut-wrenching to know that the person I loved still had a Tinder account "just in case" and would leave me silently with no warning and to be with her without any remorse, and although I forgave you for breaking my heart and gave you another chance it reaffirmed why I shouldn’t of. I never, ever cheated.. I only ever spoke to my male friend after we had declared that we were done...again. I then realised the reason you could never trust me is because you couldn’t be trusted and you projected that on to me throughout our relationship to cover up your wrongdoings. This is a letter I won't ever even send to you. It kills me that you don't care enough to wonder about me, and I can't pretend to understand that, but what I can do is accept it for what it is. It’s been 6 months but I’ll never be over the violation you did to me last year it sickens me.

At first, I wanted karma to really give you back everything you dished out, but that negativity and thought process was eating me alive. Now, because we are not the same, I simply pray for you. I pray that you're able to become the man I thought you were someday. While it breaks my heart - or what's left of it - to think you might be better to someone else one day, I hope you are. I hope you're motivated to overcome your demons to receive the love that every human being deserves. I hope whoever it is loves you as much as I did. I hope you love them the way that I loved you - flaws and all. I wish you happiness, and I seek the same. But you have to get help first and so much of it even though I don’t think you can be helped you live in denial and aren’t accountable for your abusive ways to anyone.

I can never forget the damage done to me by staying with you for aslong as I did, but I forgive you...for me. You don't deserve that forgiveness but for my own sanity I grant it in order to move forward.

I hate that we didn't work out I fought so hard to fix you and save you but you only wanted my money and you proved that in the end, but I learned valuable lessons from it all, and I now understand that you were meant to be a part of my journey regardless. It's all part of My greater plan for my life. You’ve taught me to now educate people in narcissism in a hope I can save another person from the hell you put me through I was lucky to survive all I did with you... and I now live to tell my story.

I hope you get the therapy you really need and the medication instead of battling your demons. You can’t love anything unless there’s something in it for you and you can’t fill your void with money, drugs, women or motorbikes. And one day you will thank me for never putting you in prison for your crimes to me. You were lucky because I didn’t want to put myself through that again with another man. Instead I gave you the chance to get the long awaited help you really are in desperate need of.

Sincerely,

The Woman You Lost the woman you said you wanted to spend the rest of your life with and you would never hurt but you did and pillaged my life.