#or I'm gonna end up feeling really fucking weird so I guess we'll see what happens

[thethingything]

the seasons so far this year have felt really weird. it was unseasonably warm in February, didn't really seem to get gradually warmer through the rest of spring, randomly ended up being frosty at the start of May, also randomly ended up foggy yesterday in a way I associate with late autumn, and the trees had blossom since late January but no leaves until some time last month.

but then the weather suddenly got a lot warmer recently and now it feels summer-y and we keep having to have the A/C on and it's basically felt like being in a bizarre liminal state where the seasons are kind of malfunctioning and fucked up and then suddenly being thrown into early summer, having not really been prepared for that because what the fuck even was this spring

[dirtybitfic]

Impromptu trip

Chris and Matt x y/n

(sorry this story is long asf I got really into it)(read time- Contains-smut, threesome , dom-Chris, dom-Matt, sub-reader, roughhh sex, use of names like- slut, whore, daddy, ma, baby ,sir. Slight dumbification kink. blue-matt orange-chris pink-y/n

Y/n pov-

Me , matt and Chris just landed in Michigan. We are here for about 5 days for a music festival they got invited to and brought me as a plus one. Im so excited since I haven't gone to a music festival but have always wanted to .

We're exhausted givin none of us slept on the plain and its around 5 am right now. We found our uber and made our way to the air bnb. The people who invited them booked the place we'll be staying at so we have idea what to expect but i'm just excited to get there take a shower and get some sleep before tonight. After about a 30 minute ride we reach a cute little cabin . We get out and grab our bags from the trunk and thank the uber driver then make our way to the door and type in the entry code . We make our way in and take a look around . It has a warm and cozy atmosphere . The living room is pretty spacious .

let's go check out the rooms chris says as he walks up the small set of stairs.

me and Matt follow as Chris opens one of two doors only to see its a bathroom.

we all look at each other in confusion since we expected it to be a bedroom.

we want to open the last door at the end of the hall and it opens to a large bedroom.

damn this is nice

yeah it is

uh guys... I say slowly realizing this is the only room in the house

they both turn to look at me .

what they say in unison

I don't know if you noticed but ...this is the only bedroom in the house

they both look shocked then look at each other.

well shit Chris says as he looks back at me .

Matt looks at me with a small smile .

I mean it wouldn't be weird to all share a bed would it

I mean.. I guess not no

good thing its a king size then chris says as he flops down on the bed .

I laugh a little and hop onto the bed laying down too and Matt follows laying on my opposite side.

we all lay there for a minute in silence.

im so fucking tired I say and they both agree

lets set an alarm for like 2:30 since the festival starts at 6 and they have a car picking us up around like 4:45 Matt says as he sets an alarm on his phone .

I roll over facing Matt since I cant sleep on my back comfortably . We all fall asleep pretty quickly .

Fuck y/n you feel so good chris moans as he slamming into me from the back . Matt is in front of me shoving his dick down my throat as im gagging on it as moans escape my mouth from how good chris feels . mm fuck just like that sucking down my dick like a good girl matt groans as he pulls tighter in my hair ...

I jolt awake to the alarm with wide eyes . What the fuck did I just dream about. I just had a dream about having a threesome with two of my best friends and ... I hate to admit it but I can feel how soaked my thong is as I sit up.

Matt groans as he turns off the alarm and stretches out as Chris sits up rubbing his eyes.

sleep good matt asks me as he looks at my reddened face.

mhm- yeah slept great I rush out as I crawl out of bed and go to the bathroom.

I go pee as I try and wrap my mind around the dream I just had. I mean obviously Matt and Chris are attractive but i've never dreamed about them sexually. For some reason I feel guilty about it but I also cant ignore how turned on I am from the thought of having them both use me in that way.

I splash some water on my face to wake me up a bit then make my way back into the bedroom.

im gonna go shower in the downstairs bathroom real quick Matt says as he grabs his towel and leaves the room .

you care if I shower first chris asks me as he stands up from the bed and stretches. My mouth dries up as I watch his shirt lift and show his v line and a bit of his happy trail.

hmm I say as my eyes snap back up to his as I see a small smirk form on his lips .

I said do you care if I shower first he says tilting his head to the side

oh no your good I still need to pick my outfit anyways so go ahead I say trying not to get red from the intense eye contact hes holding with me .

mmk he says smiling as he walks out the door to the bathroom

I go to my bag and pull out three option each with a different vibe

outfit 1

outfit 2

outfit 3

I love them all but I just don't know which to pick . One is comfy but hot . Two is very risky and see through so picking undergarments is gonna be difficult . Three is so cute and has some character to it.

I sit on the floor looking at them debating when Matt comes in. Towel hanging low with water droplets still on his skin. I try not to stare for too long but he catches me and smiles causing my face to get red.

watcha doin he asks as he walks to his bag pulling out boxers and his outfit .

trying to figure out which outfit to wear I say truthfully. I look back at the outfits still trying to think about which one will be the best.

why don't you try them on and ill help you pick he says as he's slipping on his sweatshirt and boxers then his pants.

I look back at him and notice his outfit has beige in in making me lean more towards the 3rd option.

okay turn around and i'll put on the first option

he turns around and I change into the first outfit. I like it but I feel like it may be too plain.

okay you can look

he turns and looks me over making me nervous .

I like it . It's comfy but a little plain he says with a smile

yeah I was thinking the same thing I answer honestly

okay the next one is ... a bit crazy and see through so ...

he smiles and turns around waiting for me to get the second option on.

I grab a plain black thong from my bag and some black nipple tape I brought .

I throw tape over them in the shape of x's and then put the thong on then the outfit . I look in the mirror and shake my head . This outfit is very slutty and I don't know if I should be out it public wearing it but... whatever.

okay turn around

he turns and his jaw slightly drops .

damn... its I mean ... you look good

I laugh a little at his answer .

its a bit too much huh I ask hoping hell answer truthfully.

I mean its veryyy see through don't get me wrong it looks amazing but... I think its a bit too risky he says as he stairs at my body making my face heat up.

yeah I think its a bit too much skin showing . I turn and bend down grabbing the shirt for the next outfit.

I hear Matt clear his throat whisper "damn" under his breathe. I smile as I realize he just got a clear view of my ass.

I turn around and he whips around staring at the wall shifting on his feet.

I smile as I get the last outfit on . I smile in the mirror loving the way this one looks on me .

okay this is the last one

he turns and looks at me with a big smile on his face.

oooh this one is the best definitely this one he says shaking his head .

I agree I like this one I say as he turns back around . I put back on my shirt and shorts then Chris walks back in from the shower repeat of Matt walking in . He has his towel hanging dangerously low his hair still dripping water down his body . I turn back around but feel eyes on my back . I look over my shoulder to see he’s looking at me with a smirk. I blush as I go to grab a towel and going back to grab my hair products and body wash.

I’m gonna shower then get ready I say as I make my way out of the bedroom.

Alright Chris says as he goes to grab his outfit for tonight. My eyes linger in the way his back muscles move when he picks up his pants . I look over at Matt as he quarks a brow at me and smirks . I turn and walk out quickly embarrassed that he caught me staring at Chris for a bit too long after he already caught me staring at him when he was in his towel.

I take a hot long shower then hop out and throw on my towel before going back to the bedroom to grab my hair dryer , makeup and outfit.

I walk in and there eyes shoot to me both looking me up and down making me nervous.

I walk to my bag grabbing the stuff I need then making my way back to the bathroom to get ready.

Matt’s pov-

I couldn’t help but notice the way y/n looked at me when I came into the room after my shower. At the way her ass looked when she bent over in her thong. I know she’s one of our best friends and I shouldn’t be thinking the things I am about her but I can’t help myself she’s just so beautiful. The things I want to do to her are so so wrong but fuck I want her so bad.

I turn to Chris he looks at me brows raised waiting for me to talk.

Bro if I tell you something you gotta promise not tell anyone

He looks at me but smiles

Okay I won’t tell anyone now what is it

I… i think I’m into y/n

Fuck dude he groans as he shakes his head .

What is that bad

Yeah

What why I mean I know she’s our best friend but -

Nah that’s not why

Okay then why I ask looking at him with a certain look on my face telling his to spit it out

Because… I think I’m into y/n

Fuck I groan as I put my head in my hands. Me and Chris have never liked the same girl and usually we don’t like the same type of girls but I guess y/n is an exception . Now we’re both fucked

We sit in silence for a bit before he turns to me

Okay you saw the way she looked at me when I came back In from shower right

Yeah but… she did the same to me when I came in I answer In all honesty

So … what if she thinks we’re both attractive

I mean I don’t fucking know dude it’s not like we can share her

He looks at me before his eyes widen and he smiles .

I mean… we could though

My eyes widen as I look at him . That would be weird asf sharing a girl with my brother but also … if we both want her I mean … who knows .

I… wouldn’t that be weird

I mean a little but … it’s either neither of us get her orrr…

We both get her I finish his sentence as I sigh a little .

As we’re both deep in thought on our phones the door opens and she walks in .

She’s so beautiful her hair is curled and it looks like there’s … glitter in it but I can’t tell from this far away. Her makeup done perfectly her eyes holding a seductive look and god damn her body in that little outfit . It’s driving me crazy and I can only guess Chris is thinking the same things .

You look great I say as I look her up and down . She smiles at me widely giving us a little spin.

Thank you and hey looks like we’re all matching she says pointing out the fact we’re all wearing shades of beige in our outfits.

chris's shirt , pants , shoes.

ah damn your right I didn't even notice

well im gonna go grab a water real quick you guys want me to grab you anything she says as she makes her way to the door .

can you grab me a Pepsi please

same for me I say smiling at her.

she nods her head and turns out the door

I look at chris and he looks at me we both have a knowing look in our eyes.

okay ... I thought about it i'm down to share if you are

same just promise it won't be weird

it won't be I say smiling he smiles and we dap each other up in agreement.

she comes back in drinks in hand as she walks over handing them to us.

we thank her and watch her as she walks to her bag and grabbing her shoes for tonight.

y/n pov-

The way they both are looking at me right now has me nervous asf .

I try to ignore it as I take a sip of my water and set it on the floor.

I tried to tighten the small corset that goes with my outfit but didnt do a good job so I look at them .

can one of you help me tighten my corset real quick

yeah I got you Chris says as he sets his drink down on the bedside table and standing behind me .

he slides my hair over my shoulder out of the way causing goosbumps to cover my arms . Ever since that dream I had earlier any look or slight touch has my heart beating out of my chest .

okay how do I tighten this thing he asks as his hands move to the laces

okay go to the top laces and pull them out a bit then do that to the rest and then pull the long strings when your done and tie them in a bow I explain and he nods his head then starts pulling the top ones tightening the part thats on my ribs .

I gasp when he pulls a little too hard and I stumble back into him.

damn okay not that hard I laugh out as I step away and back infront of him.

matt chuckles and so does chris .

okay sorry ill be a little softer

he pulls the rest perfectly tight then pulls the long pieces trying to tie the them in a bow but failing with a frustrated huff.

here I got it Matt says as they switch places and Matt ties in in a cute little bow

okay all good he says patting my sides making me jump slightly

thank you guys

they both say no problem at the same time making me smile.

okay the car is gonna be here in about 10 minutes so lets make sure we got our passes and shit we need then were good .

can one of you guys keep my cards and phone in your pockets when we get there I don't have any pockets I ask as I look between them both

just bring your id I got you if you wanna buy anything there Chris says .

oh no you don't have to do that I say waving my hands like im saying no .

he shakes his head smiling

no really y/n we brought you as our plus one its the least I can do

I mean okay if your sure I say looking at him

im sure now come on put your id in my pocket and then get your shoes on he says as he stands there waiting for me to move.

I grab my id from my wallet and slip it in his pocket them go to put my socks on then my shoes .

I struggle to bend over since the corset around my waist is constricting my movements.

need some help Matt laughs as he comes over grabbing my shoes .

yes thank you sorry the corset is not easy to bend in

your good go sit on the bed and ill help you put em on

I smile and make my way over to the edge of the bed sitting down .

I cant help but smile at how sweet they are . They treat me with respect and have never once done anything to upset me at all they've never even raised their voices once at me which I appreciate. There are so many reasons i'm best friends with them I mean the list goes on so naturally I start to feel guilty for thinking of them in ways I did earlier. I mean I shouldn't be thinking about having them both use me in ways that I shouldn't but every time I get a flash back from my dream my stomach flutters and I feel wetness pool in-between my thighs.

the second Matt kneels in front of me lifting my foot so he can slide my boot on my thoughts go to so many other ways id like to see him kneeling in-between my thighs and my face gets red.

he looks up at me and I smile before looking away hoping he doesn't see how red my face is . The way he just looked up at me in between my legs has me pulsing around nothing .

you okay he asks as a small smirk appears on his face

y-yeah just bit hot in here I say trying to make up an easy excuse that may be believable.

mmm he hums and then puts my other boot on

alright y'all ready the cars here Chris asks looking at us

"yep ready" we say in unison making me let a small giggle out as I grab my phone and follow them out the room and down the stairs to the car.

we get in and the driver heads to the artist pass entrance.

Chris's friend is an artist photographer so he got us artist guest passes which is exciting but also nerve racking at the same time .

we get out of the car and I follow behind Matt timidly . I may be a groan ass adult but in situations like this I turn into a nervous little girl .

Matt notices and swings his arm around my shoulder making me smile.

no need to be nervous everyone is chill he says which shocks me a bit given he also has anxiety and I would think this environment would have him anxious but I guess not.

I nod my head and take a breathe making him smile

Chris daps a couple guys up some I recognize and some I don't

Matt daps them up too and all eyes turn to me making me gulp nervously

"you must be y/n" one of them says making me smile

yeah hi guys it's nice to meet you all I say smiling and giving a small wave

they all smile and we all start walking to a tent on the side of the stage

the festival has been so fun we all nod and sway to the music .

some songs I know since Chris plays rap 24/7 but some I don't but still enjoy

having fun Chris says wrapping his arms around my shoulders from the back resting his head on top of mine .

so much fun ... thank you for bringing me with you I say smiling as I watch the artist on stage .

of course it wouldn't have been as fun without you he says placing a gentle kiss into my hair making me smile. I know it was just as sweet friendly gesture but it has my stomach bursting with butterfly's .

I rest my head back into his chest swaying to the music .

I look over at Matt as he smiles at me winking them looking back at the stage . Again just a friendly gesture but has my knees almost buckling at how hot it was.

Chris friend with his camera ask if he can take some pictures of us we agree and he snaps a couple of us as Matt joins and we all stand with each other smiling having a good time

these are great ill send em to you later chris he says as he walks back to the front of the stage taking pictures of the artist performing.

after about 2 more hours we decide to head out before the last artist is done so we can get out quickly.

We hop in the car and the driver takes us back to our place .

We get home at about 1 am and decide to DoorDash some McDonald’s since we’re all starving

I go up stairs to change into comfy clothes . I didn’t pack and sweatshirts since the weather is so nice but the house is so cold so I walk back to the top of the stairs

DID ONE OF YOU BRING A SWEATSHIRT I CAN BORROW I yell hoping the answer will be yes.

YEAH LOOK IN MY BLACK BAG I HAVE A COUPLE YOU CAN PICK FROM Chris yells back and I smile before yelling thank you and going to his bag finding his brown and pink fresh love hoodie and throw it on feeling warm and cozy as his scent fills my nostrils making me sigh .

I walk downstairs as the food gets delivered and Matt goes to grab it .

We all sit on the couch eating and watching a movie Chris put on . After we all finish our food I take the trash and throw it away before going back to sit with them.

So what do you think of the festival so far Matt asks me as he and Chris look at me

I love it it was really fun to get too see so many different people perform I say looking between the two smiling.

I’m glad we brought you with us we knew you’d have a good time Chris says as he smiles warmly at me and I return it with a sweet smile.

I lay my head down on Chris lap as I put my legs up on Matt’s .

Chris plays with my hair since he know I love that and Matt gently rubs up and down my legs.

It’s not weird for this to happen we’re all very close but having both of their hands brings back memories of my dream and I start to zone out thinking about the things I’d want them to do to me .

Having both of their hands on me in making me think such dirty things that I know I shouldn’t but fuck me I can’t stop them from flooding my brain. I unintentionally squeeze my thighs together as the fantasy’s play out in my head .

You good Matt asks snapping me out of my thought

Oh um yeah why I say trying to sound as nonchalant as possible .

You were tensing your legs so I was just making sure you were okay he says with a small smirk on his face making me blush slightly

Oh yeah no sorry was just zoned out

I say as I close my eyes and hum as the feeling of Chris’s hands playing with my hair are soothing me .

What were you thinking about

Chris asks as one hand moves to my cheek drawing small circles

Oh nothing I say trying to sound convincing and not give away any feelings from what I was thinking about.

No come on I can tell when your thinking about something you can tell us you know that he says as he smiles down at me

I close my eyes and sigh before shaking my head

No I can’t I say as I turn my head towards the tv looking away from both of them .

he moves his hand to my jaw turning me back to look at him.

come on y/n just tell us he says in a tone that almost has me folding .

I cant ... it'll make things weird I say as I cover my face with my hands sighing loudly .

matts hand moves to my thigh

I highly doubt that just tell us he says reassuringly .

I uncover my face before taking a deep breathe . Promise if I tell you guys you won't hate me I say weariness in my voice

they each nod and promise they wont

fuck fine okay ... earlier when we all went to sleep I kinda had a weird dream I start to say.

okayyy chris says as he's waiting for me to keep going

and it was kind of about you guys ... I say again starting to feel a bit nervous to really explain to them I had a full blown sex dream about them.

come on y/n stop teasing and just tell us matt says

okay we kinda sorta ... had a threesome and I know its weird trust me but its just been in my head on a loop I ramble as my face gets red and I stare at the ceiling not wanting to look at either of them .

wow I ... chris starts before looking at matt smiling

I mean was it at least good matt asks with a smile on his face .

I look at him with wide eyes shocked thats his answer.

I mean ... yeah I say before covering my face again feeling embarrassed

is this something you've thought about before chris asks with a small smirk on his face making me groan

I mean no but I don't know you guys are my best friends I feel guilty thinking of things like that I say honestly as I sit up .

aww sweetheart you don't have to feel guilty im not offended matt says as he places a hand on my back

I think its ... kinda hot to be honest chris says as he places a hand on my thigh rubbing gently with his thumb .

y-you do I ask as I look up at him

yeah I mean obviously your beautiful you know that so why should I be upset your dreaming about me he says with a smile causing me to smile and shake my head.

would this be something you'd want in real life matt asks as he rubs my back

what I ask shocked that he just asked me that

sorry let me reword that do you want us to fuck you he says titling his head with a smirk that has my breathe hitching

i... I don't know I say as I get nervous .

cause... we'd do it chris says as he squeezes my thigh with his large veiny hand

I ummm... I mean I start but he cuts me off

say you want us right now and thats all it'll take for us to take you upstairs he says as his hand inches higher as he continues squeezing

your serious I ask as I raise my eyebrows

dead fucking serious matt answers as his hand moves dangerously close to my ass

I - I want you - both I just ... I don't want to ruin our friendship I answer sounding breathless.

it won't we promise chris says as he smiles widely at me

o-okay I say as I look between them .

they both smirk as they stand up pulling me off the couch and booking it to the stairs.

I follow behind Matt as Chris walks behind me .

As we're about to reach the door a harsh slap lands on my ass making me yelp

sorry I had to Chris says with a chuckle

I smile as we walk into the room .

in two seconds Chris grabs me and slams me down on the bed attacking my neck with bites and kisses creating hickeys all over . Im whimpering and squirming . It feels so good and the way matts looking at me has the pleasure tightening more.

look so good in my hoodie Chris groans as he slides it off and throws it somewhere in the room before grabbing my bare tits and sucking on my nipples making me cry out.

that feel good sweetheart matt asks as he steps closer and runs his hand down my cheek

mmhm I whine out

He slaps me across the face

You answer me with yes sir am I clear

He grits out making me wince

Y-yes sir I whine causing them both to groan

Chris comes off my left tit with a pop as he looks down at me

Gonna let us use you like the little slut you are

He says with a smirk making me whimper

Y-yes I whispered out as they both stare down at me

Good girl now flip over ass up

Chris orders and I do as I’m told

Such a good listener Matt says as he gets in the bed kneeling in front of me . I can’t stop my eyes from glancing down at his large bulge .

He grabs me by my hair tilting my head to look up at him.

You wanna suck it sweetheart

He asks in an amused voice that has me whimpering

I nod my head causing him to slap me

Use your words

Y-yes sir I wanna suck it

Good girl take my belt off then

He says as I move my hands to his belt and pull it out of the loops then unzip his pants and slide them down his thighs he stands back up to fully pull them off and pulls his boxers with them as his dick slaps up on his stomach.

My eyes practically bulge out of my head when I see how long and thick he is.

All the sudden Chris rips my bottoms and underwear off as his tongue flattens against my soaked pussy and I let a moan out .

Matt comes back onto the bed right infront of me as his dick smacks my cheek and he lets out a low chuckle.

He grabs the base and slaps it on my lips .

Open he demands and I do

He takes no time sliding his thick dick into my mouth and grabbing my hair keeping it still as he starts thrusting into my mouth face fucking me

I gag on him as he hits the back of my throat repeatedly and he lets out a groan

Fuck your slutty little mouth feels so good he groans as I moan when Chris starts sucking on my clit .

As Matt fucks my face Chris goes to work sucking and licking like his life depends on it . The pleasure is building as im moaning and whimpering around Matt causing him to groan .

Chris comes up to my ear as he whispers to me

You think he’s big just wait he says and I can tell by his tone he’s smirking

Matt shoves me down farther so I’m deep throating him and the scary thing is there’s still a couple inches that won’t fit .

I’m gagging and choking on him as tears roll down my face and he’s groaning .

I can hear pants rustling from behind me as Chris is taking off his pants and boxers then steps back behind me .

Fuck just like that taking me so deep Matt groans as he continues abusing my throat

I feel Chris rub his tip up and down my soaked entrance and I moan .

He slaps my ass causing me to jolt forwards and take even more of Matt down my throat

Fuckkk Matt groans as I swallow around him

Chris lines his tip up to my entrance before slowly sliding in making me whimper

Fuck your so fucking tight Chris groans as he continues sliding in . The stretch hurts but with Matt’s dick down my throat I can’t say anything.

He pushes in more as he hits deep and I scream around Matt as my hand flys behind me pushing on Chris’s stomach .

Aww what’s the matter can’t take it I’m not even all the way in yet He says with a dark chuckles causing me to groan

He grabs my hips slamming himself all the way inside me . I scream and slap his stomach trying to push him out. He’s so big and he barely gave me anytime to adjust before he bottomed out .

He slaps my ass causing me to jolt back onto him.

Put your fucking hand down

He growls and I do .

good fucking girl he groans as he starts thrusting in and out at a normal pace as the stretching feeling starts to dissipate.

matts still abusing my throat as i'm moaning and whimpering around him.

I grab onto his thigh as I gag and choke on him as Chris pounds into me hard and deep . His tip hitting my cervix with each thrust painfully but it also feels so good .

matts groaning as his dick twitches in my mouth and I know he's about to cum. I decide to fully deep throat all of him causing his breath to hitch and a whimper to escape his lips.

fuck just such a whore for our cocks he groans as his hips sputter and he fills my mouth and throat with his cum. I slightly gag from the texture wanting to spit it out and he notices.

he pulls out and slaps a hand over my mouth.

fucking swallow it he demands and I do as I moan into his hand as Chris is still pounding into me .

he uncovers my mouth and I look up at him sticking my tongue out showing him I swallowed as my brows furrow and I moan loudly.

My orgasm is vastly approaching from the angle Chris is hitting deep inside me . Matt smiles at me as he grabs my throat and kisses me deep and rough. I try my best to kiss back but fail from how much pleasure im in.

F-FUCK im so close I cry out as chris grabs onto my hair and continues pounding into me .

yeah you gonna cum all over my dick he says in a mocking tone

y-yes fuck I whine out as my legs start to shake and I feel the pressure about to break

beg for it he says as I lock eyes with Matt above me .

p-please let me cum please I cry out as i'm holding back my orgasm waiting for his permission

louder slut I wanna hear you loud and clear he grits out as his grip tightens on my hair.

P-PLEASE DADDY PLEASE LET ME CUM FUCK PLEASE

I scream out as my eyes widen when I realize I call him daddy it just kinda slipped out

mm fuck yeah you can cum come on baby cover daddys cock he groans and im glad he wasn't set off by me calling him daddy he obviously likes it.

My legs tremble and give out as I cum all over his dick.

Fuck thats it such a good girl for me he groans as he pounds into me roughly hitting even deeper now since i'm flat against the bed.

f-fuck uhh I whine out in a raspy tone as I come down from my high .

He starts to loose his pattern as his hips stutter and his dick twitches in me

fuck gonna fill this pussy up he groans as he pumps deep inside me .

With a couple more thrusts he stills and I feel his warm liquids spill into me . I whimper from how sore I am from him pounding into me and my head falls flat on the bed.

He pulls out and lands two smack on my ass

flip over matt orders . I snap my head to look at him

w-what i... I get cut off by him

aww sweetheart you thought we were done with you he says in a sickly sweet tone as him and Chris switch places .

flip.over .now he orders and I reluctantly do .

You gonna take it like a good girl he asks with a smirk and I nod my head.

he smacks me on the cheek

im not goanna remind you again use your words he growls out and I whimper

y-yes sir

he smirks Yes sir what he asks tilting his head

yes sir ill t-take it like a good girl I whimper out as I look into his darkened eyes.

good he smiles as he lines his dick to my entrance and slides in with a groan and I whimper. Im still so sensitive from chris and matts just a tiny bit smaller than him so it doesn't help the sensitive feeling at all.

he starts pounding into me so deep my eyes roll back and I let out a scream .

yeah you feel how deep I am he grits out as he presses down on my lower stomach where hes bulging in me .

I try and push his hand off by grabbing his wrist but Chris slaps me across the face

you take what we give you now open he growls at me as he taps his dick on my lips .

I let go off matts hand and angle my head to the side opening my mouth letting Chris slide deep into my throat immediately couching and gagging on him. Matt angles his hips to hit just the right spot to make me squirt and the pressure he's putting on my stomach has my juices spraying out of me all over him , the bed and me. I scream onto Chris making him groan loudly as he grabs onto my hair.

Holy fuck atta girl he groans as my legs shake and I stop squirting.

He starts pounding into me again still holding his hand on my lower stomach . Im crying and whimpering as they both abuse my holes . I want to push Matt away from how overstimulated i'm becoming but refrain from doing so knowing it'll only make him go harder.

I squirt again and Matt has to pull out from the force.

I scream around Chris as my whole body spasms and my stomach contracts .

Fuck keep fucking moaning around me and ill fill this slutty little mouth in no time he groans as he speeds up his thrusts and i'm gagging and choking from how deep he's getting.

Matt thrusts back in making me scream out again and Chris whimpers as his hips sputter and his grip on my hair tightens . I cry out from how hard he pulling as tears stream down my face showing no signs of stopping until they're done with me.

Fuck this pussy is so fucking wet Matt groans as he grips my hips and slams so hard into me I can barely breathe.

I swallow around Chris and that makes him immediately fill my throat with his cum.

God damn he groans as he pulls out of my mouth and watches me swallow it down with a smirk on his face.

I look back up at Matt as he smirking down at me as his hair hangs over his hooded eyes and his horse chain dangles in my face.

My hands come around his back as my nails cut into his skin.

Only small whimpers escape me but no other sounds will come out .

what's the matter we fuck you dumb he asks in a deep cocky tone as he smiles down at me sending a chill up my spine.

mmmm I whine as I squirt again out of nowhere causing me to shake underneath him.

Fuck he groans as my juices spill out all over his dick and the bed under me. Im certain there will be a puddle when we're done.

M-matt i cry out as my nails drag down his back deeply . I can barely get words out . Im breathing heavy as my legs tremble and my back arches as I feel another orgasm coming in.

You gonna cum hmm he says in a husky voice

I nod my head as my eye brows furrow and my body begins too numb.

not unless you beg for it he says in a deep humiliating tone that has me pulsing even more around him.

I-- mmm p- I try my best to get the words out but I physically cant.

oh come on you can try harder than that he teases as his fingers come down to play with my clit making the pain of my incoming orgasm even worse.

mmmm p-PLEASE PLEASE SIR CAN I CUM I finally get out I didn't mean to scream it it just came out that way.

mmmm I don't know chris what do you think he says as Chris looks down at me smirking darkly.

mm I don't think she begged hard enough he says with a deep chuckle

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE FUCK PLEASE I scream out as I stare into matts dark dead eyes.

he smiles cum he orders me and I do as my entire body shakes and my breathing stops for a couple seconds . My body slumps back onto the bed as my breathing is erratic and my whole body is numb and tingly .

My nails dig so deep I know his back will be burning for days but he doesn't seem to care as he just smirks down at me .

Chris comes down to my level stroking my face as tears stream down and matt still pounds into me . Seriously how the fuck does he have this much stamina .

Such a good little whore for us y/n he whispers and I whimper as one of my hands moves to his wrist as I slide his hand onto my neck .

He smirks as his eyes glisten

Aww did our little slut wanna be choked he says in a patronizing voice making my eyes roll back as raspy whimper escape my mouth .

fuck gonna fill this little pussy matt groans as he starts to loose rhythm and pounds deep and rough as he groans and his hips still as his cum spills into me and I whimper.

Chris leans in bringing me into a deep sensual kiss as he squeezes my neck making me whimper into the kiss.

he pulls away bringing his hand back up to my face and placing a kiss on my forehead . My eyes are hazy and my body is numb my legs feeling like 10 pound weights.

Matt pulls out making me hiss from how sore and sensitive I am.

J-jesus christ I whisper out making them both chuckle .

You okay matt says as he throws on his boxers and some sweatpants

mhm I hum as I nod my head as i'm still trying to catch my breathe.

Come on legs go get you cleaned up Chris says as he pick me up and carries me to the bathroom starting the water in the bathtub.

He sets me on the toilet letting me so my business while he grabs a change of clothes for me .

I finish up and he comes back in as I'm standing on wobbly ass legs holding onto the counter.

He turns off the tub adding some body wash making it a bubble bath and helping me get into the tub as I sit down my muscle instantly relax and I sigh in exhaustion.

he uses his hands to cup water and pout it over my hair washing away the sweat and tears that had dried in my hair line.

You doing okay we didn't go to hard did we he asks as he gives me a concerned look.

No no im okay it was the best sex ive ever had I say with a small laugh making him smile at me widely .

Good I think we should probably skip tomorrow I don't think your legs would be happy about standing around for hours on end he says as he runs his hands down my shoulder .

Yeah I agree im so sore I say smiling as I look at him with half open eyes . i'm so tired and the hot bath water is only making me more tired.

you tired Matt says as he comes on with a towel for me .

yeah exhausted actually I say as I start to get up and out of the tub as Matt wraps the towel around my body and rubbing me down to dry me off.

They both help me get my clothes on which consist of one of matts shirt and a pair of christ boxers.

I smile as I look in the mirror and go to rinse my face off since there was dried sweat and some spit mixed with chris's cum on my chin . after I finish washing my face off we all make it back into the room and lay down .

these sheets are different Chris says as he looks down at them.

Yeah cause princess over here made a big mess he teases making me groan and hide my face in embarrassment .

they both chuckle

hey don't be embarrassed it was hot chris says as he kisses my forehead .

yeah yeah im tired now lets go to sleep I say with a yawn .

goodnight matt says as he turns off the lights and turns the fan on .

"night" me and chris say In unison as he spoons me from the back .

Matt come to lay down and I sling my arm over his bare stomach .

we all drift to sleep happy with how are trip is going so far.

💋

[lady-of-the-puddle]

Hello hello, it is time once again for, you guessed it!

Rating Clu's

Homoerotically tense

Relationships

I thought long and hard about this because I only had about 2 in my head when I mistakenly threw it out there in another post but like, here you go 😎

Have a picture in case you forgot what cgi Jeff Bridges looks like:

Behold, a guy. Anyway

1. Kevin

He is the most obvious so I'll get this one out of the way

You are me and I am you but you are the darkest parts of me but I love you anyway

This begs the question:

Would you fuck your darker self/clone

Idk about u but my heart tells me that Kevin sure would

7/10 it's about the man vs self of it all

2. Jarvis (why is this photo so fuckin big??)

I know I said Kevin is the most obvious

But this guy has the biggest crush on Clu

He is simp supreme

Like the way he turns to Clu for approval after everything he says makes me feel like I should leave the room

He loses a point for being a dork coward but Sam's mascara is very pretty and he's also a Flynn so I can't blame him too much

9/10 go henchboy go

3. Rinzler

Fellas, is it gay to brainwash god's most specialest boyfriend and make him loyal to only you all while knowing god is still out there and can see what you've done to everything he loves? All while knowing he's nothing more than a pet and will never love you and wouldn't even if he could

Like talk about the ultimate rebound

No notes honestly, I don't even need to go on with this one

11/10 not even one girl(Quorra) could make this all seem a little less gay

4. Dyson

Another case of yoinking your exes boy but this time it was consensual

He literally just agrees with Clu and helped him take over

If that's not a basis for a strong relationship then idk what is

He really seems so desperate to stay in Clu's favor like he must know that tron is the real prize here, his bitter ex. Has there ever been so much dating drama between programs?

5/10 replaceable.

5. Sammy

It occurs to me now that he hasn't made it on these lists yet so everyone clap for him

I feel brave for even acknowledging this one

Is Clu his dad? Is he an entity separate but still containing qualities of his father at a certain point in time that forever diverged from the moment of conception? Idk he's a computer man

So like the part where he's just kinda circling Sam looking him up and down like he's a prized pig? Yeah.

CAUTION THIS IS A JOKE please for the love of Kevin don't cancel me over this

2/10 why the 2? Cause there's fics out there man I know it

6. Zuse

He's so babygirl

Clu even mixed him a drink before he blew him up

I love their dynamic I get the feeling if Clu had to spend more than 5 minutes around him he'd strangle him much sooner

Stoic asshole with the silly asshole

Honestly they're perfect for each other

10/10 what can I say? I'm a simple program I see two men interact and I rate them

Special mention:

7. Quorra

Now some of you might say, hey Puddle Girl, this isn't homoerotic at all she's a girl

Well they're programs so gender isn't real and also they're bi so it counts

Anyway I thought about this one cause there was this weird tense moment towards the end of the movie where Quorra is captured and Clu's just like, talking to her and touches her hair and it was uncomfortable but it also made me feel some type of way

Like I understand that it's 100% a power play BUT

😏

3/10 he was gonna add her to the boyfriend collection cause all he does is steal from Kevin

Hi in honor of my Tron themed birthday I finally finished this. I was really reaching for some of these as you can see but I can't take it too seriously anyway. I'm always here for the gay of it all but is it homoerotic or do they just need to put more people who aren't men in this franchise? We'll literally never know! 🙃

Hey @soihadthisdreamonce I'm sorry 5-10 business days turned into 5-10 business weeks I was moving and time got away from me but I didn't forget you

[allexthakatt]

Hi there!

I would like to request something with angst/fluff with Derek Morgan! He does not have enough fics.

Have a nice day:)

Heyooo! Thank you so much for this request! You didn't specify whether you wanted it fem! Or male! So I'm gonna just stick with gender neutral! I hope that's okay!!

PAIRING- Derek Morgan x FEM! Reader

CW- None really, just mostly fluff and some mutual pining. Lots of self doubt from reader tho, does that count?

Mixed Signals

"Reid, Prentiss, I want you both to go to the coroner's office. JJ, go with Dave to the police station. Y/n, you and Morgan go look at the crime scene, see if there was anything we missed. I need to see the Mayor about his ties to the victims. We'll all meet back here."

Hotch's authoritarian voice ordering the team to their respective tasks. You look over at your partner, already with a smirk on his face.

"Looks like it's me and you sweetheart. You ready?"

With a nod, you both get in the SUV, you preparing yourself for what you'll be exposed to in the next 20 minutes. It's one thing to see it in photos in your binder, but to see right in front of you can always be a bit unnerving. No matter how long you've been doing this job, you never really get used to the dead bodies you see almost daily. Especially the more brutal murders.

"You okay?"

Morgan's voice pulls you out of your thoughts, nodding your head in response.

"Oh yeah. You know me, just gonna prepare the ol' noggin before we see some fucked up shit, ya know?"

He nods in agreement, keeping a mental note to check in on you periodically.

Yours and Morgan's friendship is a weird one. There's always been this lingering tension in the air when it's just the two of you. You have a guess as to why, but never really let yourself explore those outcomes.

If you were honest with yourself, you really liked him. More than a friend. Morgan was there for you when you needed him most. He was so charming, so charismatic, yet such a goofball in his own way. Not to mention how stupidly handsome he is.

A big reason as to why you never made a move or said anything is because he confuses you to no end.

He flirts with you constantly, and not the playful flirting he does with Garcia, either. It's genuine, he checks you out, your hugs are longer and closer than with all your other friends. It's times like those where you think he may reciprocate the feelings toward you.

But then, every single time the team and you go out for drinks, he's getting all these women surrounding him. Which, of course he does, look at him! It wouldn't make you feel as bad if he didn't so obviously enjoy the attention. The confidence oozes from him, he grinds right back on them, more often than not going back home with one of them at the end of the night. And that's not even mentioning the numerous female detectives he's got in his phone.

You'd never been so confused about your feelings in your life.

Reid had been quick to attempt to ease your insecurities. 'Morgan is... a ladies man, he never really has had a serious long relationship before. I know he likes you, he wouldn't flirt with you like he does if he didn't. However when it comes to feelings, Morgan isn't exactly known for putting them in the spotlight. He deflects it by showing his flashy personality around the people he's afraid to be vulnerable with. That way he has the upper hand at all times to avoid getting hurt.'

Reid rambled on that night after you'd confided in him about it. You have to admit, it does make sense- Show the confident side so you'll never have to show the vulnerable one.

Doesn't make it hurt any less, nor any less confusing.

-

The case was prolonged yet again. The unsub had an upper hand in knowledge of what the police and FBI were doing regarding the investigation, due to a certain police officer having a hand in some of the victims untimely and unfortunate deaths.

After all was done and unsubs were apprehended, the flight home was... tense.

There's always that dread hanging in the air on the way home after every case.

We could have saved more.

We should have seen the signs.

We should have done this specific thing sooner.

Regardless, you were all happy to be going home after almost two weeks of dealing with this case.

All the team was doing their own thing on the jet. With about an hour and a half left in the air you were just busying yourself. Reid, of course, is reading. Prentiss and JJ talking about something Will said over the phone. Hotch and Rossi discussing the case that is now closed. You attempting to write in your journal; something your therapist had suggested a while ago that is now almost a daily thing.

And then there's Morgan. Who's trying to sleep. Trying.

You keep doing little things that just drive him crazy. The hair flip you have to do to get hair out of your face. When you think, you push the back of the pen near your lips, puckering them in the process.

That? Right there? Is going to be the death of him.

He's trying to keep it cool, trying to make it seem like he definitely isn't harboring the fattest crush on you. But with you just being... You; it's getting harder and harder to pretend he isn't thinking of all the ways he could call you his.

This was new for him. He's usually so confident and suave. When it comes to you, though, he's tripping over his words, second guessing himself, trying his hardest not to embarrass himself in front of you. It's like he's 13 again.

-

When you finally land, Emily suggests the idea of going to the bar. It's not too late, and you could use a little something to take the edge off. All but Hotch and JJ agree, having to go home to their children.

After agreeing to a bar, you, Garcia, and Reid pile up in your car. Due to Reid not driving and you and Garcia carpool anyway, it's easier to all go together.

"So... Y/n are you finally gonna make a move on Mr. Derek Morgan?"

Penelope's voice breaks your concentration on the road, having to clear your throat and shift your legs to cover up your embarrassment.

"I have no idea what you're talking about, pen pen."

"Oh I think you know exactly what I'm talking about, my sarcastic love. Derek talks about nothing but you and you give him the heart-eyes every time you see him! When am I finally gonna see some action!?"

Penelope, while you hadn't told her, it doesn't take a lot for her to put two and two together. She sees the way he hugs you, the longing stares you give each other. However Penelope was not known to sit and watch, she had to get involved.

"Look Pen, I love you like a sister. But I don't really think anything is gonna happen between the two of us. Even if I did like him like that, I truly doubt he likes me back."

You're trying to focus on the road and not on the fact there's going to be several girls dancing on the man of your dreams in less than an hour.

"Y/n I told you he does! We're profilers, you'd think you'd know to trust us."

You rolled your eyes slightly,

"It's not that I don't trust you guys, because I really want to believe it. Fuck, I wanna believe you so bad but then nights like these happen and there five girls surrounding him dancing on him and he's dancing right back. Then he goes home with one of them and does God knows what with them and I gotta watch from the sidelines and pretend it doesn't hurt."

You were rambling now, you couldn't stop yourself.

"You've just admitted to liking him, I hope you know! And if him grinding up on all these women bothers you why don't you do the same? Find a hot guy and dance all sexily with him. Hell, why not go home with him? If Derek really likes you (which I'm confident he does), give him a taste of his own medicine!"

Penelope was getting excited! Was tonight the night? Was it finally going to happen? She couldn't wait to see this evening unfold!

'She has a point...' You thought, doing your best to keep up the nonchalance you'd grown to fake very well.

If he could do it, there was no reason you couldn't either. It's not like you had to be faithful, you weren't even close to being an item. There truly was nothing stopping you, and honestly, you could use a distraction from him for a night.

"You know what, maybe you're right, Pen. We'll see where the night goes then, I guess."

Penelope squealed in her seat, Reid rolling his eyes. 'This is definitely coming to a head tonight..'

-

The music was loud and the lights were dim, the air was a little stuffy and people were crowded on the dance floor. By the time you three got there Derek was already on the dance floor, and you noticed a few women lock in their target with him.

Typically, you'd spend your night at the table nursing your mixed drink with Emily and Reid. Watching from the side the man you loved catch the attention of every lioness in the club. Tonight was different. Tonight, you were joining the hunt, it was time you weren't on the side, but a lioness herself.

Reid and Penelope waved you off, wishing you luck as you made your way to the bar to get the first drink of the night. Regardless on if you find a 'distraction man' tonight, you were planning on getting tipsy at least.

Ordering a simple rum and coke, you see a fine man in the corner of your eye.

'Let the hunt commence', you gave yourself a quick pep talk and sent him a small smile. One you know he saw, as he was already eyeing you as well.

He raised his glass and took the last drink, before making his way to you.

"Hi there, I'm Tucker."

He held his hand out not sitting down next to you quite yet. Something you take notice of. You also take notice of his handsome features up close. Ear-length dark fluffy hair, dark eyes that looked so cute, button up flannel, slacks, and a heart throbbing smile slapped on top.

You shake his hand, giving him your name in response and sending him a matching smile his way.

He took that as his okay to sit in the empty seat next to you, immediately striking up conversation.

'He should be a fine distraction man, I think..'

Derek decides maybe it's time to sit down for a sec, finding Penelope's bright red hair easily in the midst of tables. Emily and Reid were there too, but where were you?

Promising to meet up with the pretty blond again later that evening, he makes his way to the table, Penelope seeing him and pulling out a chair for his arrival.

"Hello hello y'all, how are we doing this fine night? Where's Y/N?"

Reid and Penelope shared a quick look, before Penelope smirked and pointed to the bar where you sat, sipping your drink and laughing along with some guy.

It was quick, but Derek's facade broke. So quick if you weren't a trained profiler you wouldn't have noticed. Oh, but the table noticed, and they won't forget it.

"Looks like Y/n might get some action tonight, huh?"

Emily subtly studied Derek's face and- oh there it is. The wall slowly breaking as Penelope spoke up too.

"I told her she needed to get laid. 'Put yourself out there' I said. She seems to be enjoying herself, too."

She too was watching Derek like a hawk, looking for a reaction. It was subtle, but it was there.

Emily kept going,

"He's cute, too. Nice and tall, strong arms. He's not getting too close to cause discomfort but he's leaning in quite a bit. Certainly interested in her."

All three noticed Derek's stiffness, the silence radiating off him. He still hadn't sit down, instead standing tall watching you like a hawk, not even knowing he's gripping the back of the chair visibly hard.

All this time he'd been hoping you'd get jealous and take him for yourself. That you'd stomp onto the dance floor and steal him away from these other women and make him yours. How could he be so foolish? Trying to make you jealous? He should have known, he should have been straight up with you on how he's feeling rather than try this wild act of being a ladies man. Of course you'd not rip him off these girls, you're a grown woman. He's not in high school anymore, this old trick won't work on a real woman.

But now you're sitting another man, sending him flirty smiles and leaning in just as much. Could he have missed his chance? Missed the opportunity to finally confess all these feelings he's been hiding deep inside for so long? Why couldn't you lean to him like that, wink at him like that? How could he fix this?

Penelope has seen enough, her friend was suffering and to be completely honest, she was a little fed up with the whole 'dancing around each other' thing.

"You know if you don't act now, she'll be going home with that guy instead of you."

She continued to eye him as she brought her drink to her lips. Derek snapped back to reality, loosening his death grip on the chair.

Finally he looked to the table, catching eyes with everyone seated and he knew they knew. Of course they would, that's their job to know things. He couldn't keep up the facade for much longer, and that scared him.

"So I guess you all know, huh?"

Finally taking his seat and rubbing his hands together.

"Yup. We also know about the poor show you put on every night with these other women. You know you're sending the completely wrong message, right?"

Emily didn't really want to scold him, but to be fair he wasn't exactly making all the right choices.

"It's occurring to me now, thank you," Sarcasm dripping from his tone. "Now I have no idea what to do. I'm all outta tricks."

His hope was dwindling, and everyone could see it.

"How about you just try being honest with her? She's confused, Derek."

Penelope pushed his arm a bit, trying to emphasize the weight of his situation.

Looking up, he sees you stand up and shake his hand in a friendly manner. With that, you walk back to the table with your drink in your hand.

"And who was that tall delicious specimen?"

Penelope was the first to want the gossip. Did you get his number? Will there be more than just a flirty conversation later tonight? What about Derek??

You finally notice Derek sitting still as a stone, but decide to not mention it.

"Well... That was Tucker! He's a professor at the university, and he was actually really cool. I told him I'll meet up with him again later tonight."

Your voice got lower as you went on, all that confidence about tonight gone now that Derek was sitting right in front of you listening to it all. You tried not to look at him that closely, knowing you'd get blushy and awkward even more than you are right now. Plus, you were scared that if you did look at him you'd see him uncaring or even worse, supporting you.

Boy, did he wish you would look at him.

"I think we all know what that meannsss!"

Penelope had a few drinks in her, getting more uncensored the more she drank. Spencer chuckled slightly, a brandy or two in him as well. However that was all for him though.

Emily patted you on the back, "just remember to use protection, pretty lady."

Derek knew they were all trying to drum up a reaction from him. He knew it. But fuck, was it working.

He'd let this go on for long enough.

"Y/n, can I talk to you real quick? Just you and me?"

His eyes were pleading, almost hopeful. Really, how could you say no to him?

With a nod, your hands gesture for him to lead the way, and before you know it you're both leaning against the wall outside the bar.

You tried not to be awkward, you really did- but with how Derek was standing next to you, all stiff and puppy-eyed, it was hard to keep your composure.

Eventually, you'd had enough.

"Okay, Derek. What did you wanna talk about?"

You hoping-no you were praying- that this was the moment. That he was finally gonna be upfront with you and you'd finally get your answer. Will you have to suck it up and move on? Or will this be a happily ever after?

He was silent for a few more moments, trying to find the right words to set the record straight.

"Look... I'm.. Not the best at admitting what I'm feeling, okay? But my bag of tricks are all up and frankly, none of them seem to be working..."

He pushed himself off the wall, standing directly in front of you now staring deep into your eyes.

"I think it's time I'm actually honest with you, Y/n. No matter where I am, whether it's at home, or on a case somewhere on the other side of the US, Or at some bar I never even knew existed until that night, you're the only one on my mind."

Your eyes gave him a pleading look; begging him to continue.

"I've never been good at being open and vulnerable with the people I like. But I think, with you, I really want to be. There's not a day that goes by where I don't think about you in my arms. I want to be there for you in so many new ways I'll never have enough time to list them all. I'll be honest, it wasn't my most clever idea to try to make you jealous with these other women. I should have known better."

He grabbed both of your hands, rubbing soft circles in them with his thumbs.

"If I can have a chance with you... I promise I will make it up to you for the rest of my life. I want to be in your life as more than just a friend from work."

At this point the tears in your eyes are dropping down your cheeks, makeup be damned. He's looking at you with so much love and adoration you can practically see it flowing off him. There's nothing you can say that will top that, so you opt for showing him instead.

Wrapping your arms around his neck and leaning in, he knew what that meant, and met you halfway.

His lips finally met yours and holy shit did it feel good. It was like your lips were supposed to be molded together like this. His arms wrap around you and pull you tight against him, leaving no room for escape. Not that you would, anyway.

When your lips finally part, you stay in his arms, swaying a little from side to side.

"So I'll take that as a yes?"

A slight giggle escapes you before giving him another kiss on his cheek.

"Of course it is."

🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

Holy shit i suck lmao I'm so sorrrryyyyy this took so long!!! I don't even have an excuse I'm just the worlds best procrastinator 😅

I hope this was worth the wait... If not then... welp.

[halliescomut]

Love Sea Ep 2 Watch Along

I am a couple days late because migraines suck, but I'm finally sitting down to watch ep 2. I'm gonna try to gives some first inpressions here, but we'll see how we go.

-Opening shot and I accidentally caught crew in the back of the boat. Hehe...whoops. Can't always catch that.

-When he says "what this man's sex taste like" does he mean literally or figuratively??? Like...I'm just not sure if it's wonky translation, or ???

-Okay, but the way Mut put's their legs together, but keeps their torso's apart....like touching, but not invading Rak's space....that's kinda hot.

-I do come from a seafood family, literally my maternal grandparents ran a seafood restaurant for over a decade, but I'm not a seafood person, so I kinda feel like the food stuff is going over my head.

-Like...I knew it was gonna happen, but I'm still blushing so hard. That eye contact is DANGEROUS.

-Peat's muscles!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!!!!

-Literally Rak is so cranky that he hurt himself and cut off sexy time. His grumpy face.

I love Mook so much. I would die for her, she's so precious.

Are those generic baby shark bandaids??

I love how quickly Rak takes advantage of the loophole Mut presents him with. He immediately is like "you are correct, this is not my bed, let's bang!" (Also I fucking loved this line in the trailer. It's quippy, it's clever, Fort delivers it so well. Perfection.)

I mean...if your gonna engage in sexy time on the beach...oral would be your best option, so....

Jesus with the leg over the shoulder....goddamn.

Those hips are moving quite a lot Rak, be careful with Mut, you don't want to break him.

The mouth wipe.....I'm dying. I will say the timing was a bit fast there at the end, but like...legit portrayal of oral, and not just vaguely refering to it is new in Thai BL, so props for that. (Also it was one of my bingo squares. Yay me.)

I was predicting the whole "I'm inspired, we gotta go back to my room right now", but that did not stop it from being funny as hell.

Is Tongrak basically Mame's self-insert?? I just thought about this, bc they used the MMY logo for the fake website, probably just so they didn't have to bother with getting a non-copywritten one, or pay to use a real one, but like I just thought about this, since he's a writer who writes Y-Series, and part of what P'Vie does (I'm pretty sure) is make them into shows.... fascinating to consider.

We do see the cover for The Boy Next World, both the BN one and the orignal manga-style one...interesting.... As well as the cover for Love Director, which is one of the novels directly related to the LITA side of the Mame-verse....also interesting.

Rak's fake insta is hot. I tell you what, Mame shows got their issues, but costuming is pretty much always on point.

Okay so P'Vie is an actress...still involved with Rak's shows, but not the director I guess.

I really do get distract by how pretty Peat's eyes are.

Okay, Though he was just showering, but then I saw the motion... the blushing begins again. (Look I know I've written smut, and I watch BL, but I'm still Ace, so a lot of times my reaction is very Edwardian noble lady. I'm sorry!)

No, but I paused it to write that last sentence and the look on Rak's face!!!!

Rak is very bite-y. It suits his character, really. I Like it.

That was....very athletic.

I have thoughts about the sex scene. I'll save those for the 'Thoughts' post though.

I do think it's funny that Rak is so disturbed because the sex was good. That's funny.

Side note, I know this is an adult show, it includes a lot of adult themes, but somehow the Hallmark Movie-ness of Mame's shows makes it feel very weird when people cuss. Like, it feels odd for Rak to say Fuck there. It somehow just gives the vibe of 'see how grown-up we are with the cussing'. IDK if that makes sense, or if anyone else feels that way.

Mook's reaction to the forehead kiss is so cute, but P'Vie's got two episodes to get her act together, or I'm gonna start to dislike her.

I still don't remember the name of Mut's friend (I'm sorry) but I do think he's very funny. The actor is doing a very good job.

I know IRL, I would hate the entitledness/possessive-ness of Rak, but that was kind hot.

I love how amused Mut is by Rak. It's one of the things that feels like Fort peeking through tbh.

Oops...none of us did consider that a considerably long motorbike ride the day after some pretty vigorous back door sex may not be the best idea. But also, I feel like this is part of why prep/aftercare is important, and they (meaning BLs) should focus on it more. Like it's wouldn't fix everything, but it would help.

Oh, I really do like Mut's friend...who's name is Palm....I will try to remember.

I doubt this was Mame's intention, but I do appreciate the discussion of how franchised tourism can be harmful to local residents.

Sweet Mut so shy about taking genuine compliments. That's so cute.

Oh I'm familiar with that kind of manufactured flippancy when it comes to speaking about family ties that have been broken.... there be trauma there mateys.

God I have a lot of incomplete thoughts about this scene. I'm gonna have to rewatch and break it down later.

Oh, Rak is 100% a self-insert.

I do wonder when we're gonna get more info regarding that first thought about escaping though. It feels like Rak is trying to keep things surface level, but is accidentally revealing more than he intends.

I respect the attempt to get info out of Kom. I also respect Connor for not giving any.

I'm excited for the diving and underwater shots, but Rak--why the fuck are you wearing a small fortune in high-end designer jewelery for that?? like, leave that shit in your room dude.

Also, I've officially decided I love Palm and his doofus-energy. I will now protect him with my life.

God Bless Wetsuits! Amen!!

Sir what the fuck are you doing???? If this were a different couple I'd say Rak is well on his way to a spanking.

But also, this is so pretty,

Flashback!!! Yes, another bingo box, but also...why do drama parents always break up directly in front of their kids?

There's a metaphor happening about not diving alone and the flashbacks and reconciling his traumas in relation to love/trusting men (in a romantic way)....my brain is too stupid to make a cohesive explanation, but it's there.

I love the way Mut just looks at Rak... like it's fascinating how much Fort is able to portray with his gaze. I thought that during LITA, but it's confirmed here. Because, yes the longing/loving gaze is alive and well, but you can see the concern, the confusion, even the questioning that's happening. It's wild.

Well that's all for the episode. I'll probably rewatch tomorrow and thry to organize my thoughts into something vaguely cohesive, but no promises. Despite the very swift jump into the sex, we got a lot of insight today, into to both of them really.

[texasthoughtsaboutnothing]

The Stranger and my thoughts on where each LCB Sinner is at (Long)

Hey, I actually sat down and read L'etranger, Meursault's source novel. I've got some fucking feelings about it, especially relating it to Limbus Company and what it might mean for his Canto in like 2 years.

Firstly, you should read or listen to this book. It's short, surprisingly punchy, and easy to follow. I (probably) don't have autism but I can absolutely see a read of this where the character does or is neurodivergent in some other way; beyond his relationship and evaluation of social queues and norms he also seems to deal with sensory issues. There are better people than me who should talk about this and I'm probably not adding a lot to the conversation but keeping this reading in my head for the climax added an extra layer of discomfort (intentional discomfort for the benefit of the story's message, I should say) to the whole book. But It's worth experiencing even if you disagree with that reading or have a different one.

Limbus Brainrot/Spoiler stuff from here on in.

There's always the question of where exactly each Sinner is in their story as they're on the bus. Their stories have been reinterpreted and/or jumbled in ways that make it fun to guess, so to go over each Sinner and where they are based on what we know or my theories:

Yi Sang - I'm not gonna front, I don't really get The WIngs, but this seems like a Good End AU for him. He already escaped his "Wife's" control and the sunless room and is now flying again (metaphorically, or maybe literally? i dont know help me).

Faust - Likely in the middle of the part where she's using Mephistopheles' power to do good in the world and prior to her being damned to hell. Side note, she's last to get a Canto and I bet it's not a coincidence that (afaik) she and Dante are the only two with Hell in their stories directly. My long shot call is that Faust is also Beatrice and there will be so much DantexFaust ship art in 2026.

Don Quixote - The biggest enigma. La Sangre de Sancho has gripped the imagination of the fandom and I am no exception. She's next after Heathcliff so we'll get her some time in August at the latest and I can't wait. My best guess is she's currently gallivanting and will be forced home in her Canto, assuming Don is Sancho theory isn't true. Praying her Canto is called The Impossible.

Ryoshu - In Hell Screen, the reason the painter is obsessed with torture is that he can only paint what he has seen and is trying to paint the Buddhist Hell. In his quest for his art he destroys his life and those around him, and ends up committing suicide over it. But there is a villain in the form of the Lord who beyond driving the story by requesting the screen in the first place is guilty of SA and murder. I'm expecting we're post story; the Lord is related to the five fingers, the daughter might be recast as a friend or something, and the sword Ryoshu carries is likely the screen. Nothing revolutionary in my guesses here, but it's either going to be that straight-forward or insanely abstract, where she's the lord and the painter and the daughter and the screen and the sword is the monkey or some shit.

Hong Lu - I have not yet read Dream of a Red Chamber, it's next on the list. Forgive me!

Heathcliff - Oh boy. Like many, I expect he is post-spurning by Catherine and is on his journey for his fortune on the LCB. So, his Canto will be about coming home to a beloved who is with someone else. Yes, the beloved blorbo will suffer for my amusement. Let's go 3 hours Heathmael sex scene!

Ishmael - We now know her story already kinda happened, as many expected, making this a bizarre sequel to Moby Dick. I think it gave PM a lot of room to do whatever they wanted to while still sticking to the themes of the story. Already wrote about what I loved about this and the recontextualizing of Ahab as a whale unto herself (which I don't actually know if it's in the original novel, but it wouldn't surprise me).

Rodion - A weird one. Her inciting incident happened, the murdering of the landlord/pawnbroker, but the unintentional death of the innocent sister was shifted to the entire damn block. So if I had to guess she's in the period after her crime trying to avoid being caught, but no police officer allegory has really been introduced yet. I read Crime and Punishment years ago so I can't say for certain but it feels the most loosely adapted and suffers a tad for being part of the intro. Rodya's story is in no way finished so it's up in the air. Praying for a Petrovich just so people can meet the OG Columbo.

Sinclair - Still need to read Demian, but I have a rough understanding of the plot. Also unfinished in his story, Sinclair has a long way to go to his self-realization. This feels more intentional however, I remember someone made an observation of Cinqlair as representative of his drunken college years where he's popular but unfulfilled, and I think we can extend that to all of his IDs. He seems to have the most potential of all the Sinners, so much so that I wouldn't be surprised if there's a mirror world where he's a Color unto himself. I digress, the point is he's pre Frau Eva (who if she turn's out to be the Purple Tear I will lose my mind) who is also called Beatrice at some point so what's up with that PM?

Outis - Another big mystery, especially as she isn't Odysseus but Outis, a name referencing a particular part of the Odyssey with the Cyclops. I have to imagine she's on the Odyssey, journeying home after the Smoke War (which might have some parallels with the Trojan War beyond the obvious). It's interesting all the Greek myth named Abnormalities are Hospital themed, might be something there but nothing I can parse from my limited knowledge of Greek society and folklore. While she' might be a traitor, I'm thinking she's joined Limbus Company to hide while on her journey; she might be wanted dead by something and is concealing her identity after what happened in the war.

Greg - Again, a character post-story. He was locked in a room, he metamorphized, and... well he's alive? So we've diverged from the source novel, as it's taken the allegorical meanings and made them more literal, but Hermann is still around and a major player so who knows where this will go?

Meursault - I have so many thoughts. Meursault could be anywhere in his story, but I'm going to guess it's one of two places. First guess, we're completely pre story. His Canto opens with him getting a message that Maman died today, or maybe yesterday, he doesn't know. So the whole story plays out over the course of the Canto. But more likely, and my prediction, is that he's currently in "jail" awaiting his execution or acquittal. He has already murdered a man (or done some other crime) and instead of being tried for that, he has been tried and sentenced for his peculiarities of character. Bound in the chains of others, the multitudes have tightened their hold (I'm very clever and not cringe at all).

So I have to wonder what light blinded him, overwhelmed him so much that it led to his crime? The Bright Nights and Dark Days are an obvious choice, and I'm not the first to suggest it. Perhaps he distorted? Anyway, his story ends with him having given up on acquittal and instead hoping for a crowd of people hating him as he approaches the guillotine. I'm super interested in how this will play out in Limbus, especially as he must survive for gameplay purposes.

Also, Meursault is so horny. Like, oh my god. Half of his thoughts are of Marie, specifically of wanting her and all the connotations that contains. He spurns God in the face of a Chaplain, saying that He is worth nothing compared to a single hair on a woman's head. Meursault is not a romantic but not just some horndog either, his desire for sex and women and their bodies feels like an extension of his worldview centered on the immediacy of life and not just debauchery or hedonism. It's a part of the idea life is lived as today, yesterday, and tomorrow, and there is joy and happiness in that simplicity. I feel like this will get cut for Limbus but I hope it isn't, I want Meursault to casually admit he desires every Sinner on the bus carnally (yes the men and NB too, probably just a HC but I do believe that the City is a binormative society based on its already loose relationship to gender identity).

So uh, that's the thoughts so far. Merry Christmas, I guess.

[beanghostprincess]

Why is shanks/buggy so underrated in this side of fandom? It’s much more loved in Japanese one, one of the most popular for shanks. I feel like this one prefers other mlm options for him and I don’t get it. It got better after OPLA I think but still. Sorry for my English!

Oh! This is actually such an interesting question. I was talking about this the other day and I came to a conclusion with my friend about this. Basically, there are a lot of things to take into consideration here. The screentime, the age of the characters, the chemistry, how they're perceived by the fandom and canonically, etc etc etc.

The first thing I thought about was the screentime, honestly. Shanks and Buggy grew up together and they have a deep bond, however, we've only seen that through flashbacks (one in quite literally episode 8 of the anime, another one in Wano that isn't even about them and they're just side characters in this flashback, and in chapter 1082 of the manga. But it's not even a proper flashback because we already saw that when Shanks talks to Whitebeard about Buggy, it's just Buggy's interpretation of it) and we only have like one scene of them together that isn't even two minutes long. So, quite obviously you'd think "well, the ship isn't as popular as other ships because they barely have any screentime" and I think it's correct but also not quite. And also, this would also have to apply to the Japanese fandom at the end of the day. Fandoms don't give a single fuck about screen time if the chemistry is right, really, but there's always this factor, y'know. Lawlu has less screentime than Zolu and yet it's more popular somehow because people absolutely love their dynamic. Then, if you stop to think about it, both Satosugu (Jjk) and Soukoku (Bsd) have the same dynamic and concept as Shuggy, but they're by far the most popular ships in their fandoms. They're basically the same ships but Jjk and Bsd give them proper development and story because they're shorter series. One Piece is a long show and we still have many things to see, even if we know it's gonna end soon, so I guess that we'll still have to wait to see more of Shuggy. Once we do, I'm sure it'll become more popular. Also, Shanks' personality is very diverse because he's all mysterious and all, so I kind of understand why people don't want to make content because they still don't have him figured out.

But then again, screen time isn't really the problem. It's just one of the factors. If they had more screen time, they'd be more popular for sure, yes, but it's not exactly what makes them less popular in this side of the fandom. Otherwise, it'd be equally as popular on the other sides too. The Japanese side of fandoms is different from this one and tbh they often don't take into consideration things like cancel culture and proship discourse or the standard beauty regarding age because they just post whatever they want and scroll past what they don't like (god I fucking wish we were like that because I am so done with these things). Besides, isn't Buggy like a very beloved character over there, aside from Oda's favorite? At least from what I've seen, they take his character way more seriously than this side of the fandom does, honestly. And it bothers me because he's such a complex and great character, and people never see it because they use him either for memes or to keep saying "omggg turns out the clown is hot!! Can you believe I want to fuck a clow-" yes, Samantha, we know you want to fuck the clown. It's not weird. It's not new. Do you even like the character, at least, or you're just using him to say how kinky and quirky you are? (And I don't even care about the sexualization of characters because, again, fictional characters are fictional characters and you don't have to take everything so seriously. I have tons of characters I don't like that much but only stan because I find them hot and that's alright. But damn, it bothers me sometimes).

Anyway, with this, I wanna say that there are other things to have in mind when talking about this.

Recently (I know it's not exactly new but in fandom years? Recently) there has been a huge thing surrounding the term "old men yaoi". People are so down bad for middle-aged men and they see two of them together and they instantly go "omg they're soo married" but that's- That's it? That's just it. They don't even ship them, they just find the concept of older men hot because "omg he's such a dilf" and they want to fuck both of them. But they never end up doing anything with it. They try to be so groundbreaking like "ohh I am SO woke by shipping these two old men! See? Breaking stereotypes!" because both irl and online, age has always been a very stigmatized thing. Apparently you can't be in a fandom if you're older than 25 because then you're weird, and if there's an actress older than 50 she's instantly useless for the industry.

What I want to say with this is that most people in the fandom are young. They're young and they like attractive, young, hot people and they don't want old, unconventionally attractive men. They don't want them unless it's to give a "hot take" and to be super progressive and woke. Do you know what they like? They like Dilfs. They like Shanks because he's conventionally attractive and good with kids and he's the standard for a Dilf. Because he's hot and mysterious but also silly and quirky and "he's almost forty that is so hot something something daddy kink". And they don't want to see him fucking someone his age because God forbid this man has a personality outside being a Dilf. Younger people in the fandom constantly read y/n fics regarding Shanks because they want him to fuck them and not Buggy. And they can't project in these old men, so they publicly say "oh, Shanks and Buggy are so married" because it's just a fact the fandom made clear, but they don't really like the content. Because liking Buggy sexually, apparently, is just so weird. Or as a character. Nobody wants to say their favorite character is the failguy clown. It's a hot take when you say that Buggy is hot because people keep being all weird about it when... Uh... He's- He's just a clown. Guys. It's not weird. Or bad. Who raised you to think that? God, I find Monet extremely hot and she's half-bird. Could we please normalize these things? They're fictional characters. And also, stop reducing Buggy to his jokes or the fact that he's a clown because his character is GREAT and complex and it just bothers me so much.

This makes me think about this whole "background couple" thing. Which are basically couples that are canon or that are so popular and obvious that people, instead of making content for them (because why would you make content for a canon couple?) just place them in the background instead. There are so many fanfics in which Shuggy is a background couple. Or studies in which, instead of analyzing them, they're used only for parallelisms. This happens with, idk, Saboala? Frobin? Yamace? People don't like couples that everybody agrees on. They don't like m/f ships because they can't be woke!!!!! And queer!!!! (when they easily could but whatever). They don't like ships that everybody likes because!!!!!! They're canon already and why would you write about them???? And so, Shuggy stays a bit more as a side couple instead. For being old and unconventionally unattractive and not having much screentime, but being extremely popular. Not in a "content" way, but in a "knowledge" way. Even the general audience thinks their bond is crucial to the story, c'mon.

One of the differences that this side of the fandom has with the Japanese one, as I mentioned before, is the cancel culture and proship discourse thing. They just don't have that concept. And that's perfect, honestly, I wish we could just scroll past what we don't like too and live peacefully because the discourse is getting tiring. And also you have to admit that, because of the anti propaganda going around, now fandoms have turned into the most puritan thing in the world. Beware! Sex! Age difference between fictional characters that have a consensual and healthy and mature relationship! Oh! God forbid teenagers have sex with people their age! Ohmygodjustshutup. And so, Shuggy isn't a problematic ship. Not even close. But inside the OP world, people do say they are brothers. They keep talking about each other like that, too. And I don't even think it's the typical "we say they're like brothers so you don't think they're gay because they're both guys and guys can't kiss" (I am having flashbacks from the IT fandom). They do have the same parents. Like- We all agree Shanks and Buggy were both raised by Roger and Rayleigh and they consider them, if not their dads, parental figures at least. Right? And you're aware that doesn't make it incest, right? Both things can coexist. Foster families are a thing. Lots of people who grew up together and consider the same people their parental figures end up dating because they don't see each other as siblings. Well, most people don't see it this way and hear the word "brother" and run from it like it's a fucking virus. The Japanese side of the fandom doesn't give a fuck because they're fictional and because they're y'know, not brothers? And even if they were, cancel culture and proship discourse is so fucking stupid to them because they follow the "don't like don't look" thing. But on this side of the fandom, a lot of people see them as brothers and the other half sees them as a divorced couple and apparently nobody knows how to fucking read this manga and have a proper fandom experience without jumping to each other's throats at the minimum disagreement.

So, to summarize: People on this side of the fandom don't like Shuggy THAT much and it isn't such a popular ship in comparison to the Japanese side, because young people don't like older men together, they don't focus on unconventionally attractive characters, are afraid of any little possibility of cancelation, and also, well, Shuggy doesn't have much screentime anyway so there's not much we can do with that.

[intertexts]

since I can't talk about my favorite bits that made me go AUGH bc of things you dont know about yet. give me ur favorite bit. what was ur favorite bit in that fic. gimme the authors notes behind the scenes ramble

AUAUAUAUA.... u r so nice 2 meee godddd what the hell. exploding u💥💥💥!!!!!!!!!!! ANYWAY. OK. OK. AUTHORS NOTES.

things i included that i am VERY IFFY ON but nevertheless went for:

>i think there's like 70/30 odds that they (dakota) try to do the putting ashe's headphones with thank you scientist or smth blaring on him to try & bring him back thing. can't tell you if it'll work or not but it has to come up. nevertheless i think if u were stuck in yr head for a year with the fucking trickster u would appreciate some quiet!!!!!! & its just. idk man. that's what i'd spiral over. what if one day u wake up n u don't even like all the stuff u love anymore. etc.

>I'M ALSO TAKING. A REALLY FUCKING LONG SHOT by explicitly referring to wiwi as alive? honestly? like it's a 50/50, i think that all the stuff w/ the heart etc should continue to have thematic resonance, but also i don't know how that will work with the wisps when they..... return? (<- using this word in the loosest possible way i just don't know how else to say it. when theyre onscreen again??) i'm sure the wisp thing gets some resolution i have no doubt. and i don't know if "whisperer william" and "alive body traits" are mutually exclusive. idk. idk. we'll see!!

>i'm assuming tide will make another appearance b4 the season ends. idgaf if he shows in deadwood or not i fucking HOPE NOT but i just thought man. he Would come to bring them all back n take care of them. i think he and mark should get to have a really long slightly more. real? conversation on how much parenting fucking sucks and is stressful and terrifying and they feel bad at it.

MY FAVORITE BIT. goddd. iiii. ok. i have a lot of Thoughts on wingfics & idk. i guess i always think they're a bit too easy. u have wings that u Never Ever Let Anyone Touch Except Family And Lovers and u Let Someone Preen Them and what-- there isn't even any terrifying indecipherable swirl of emotions about it?? it isn't even scary?? (& also the whole Why Is It Good When People Touch Ur Wings. "because it is" okay??? and why then?? i also am guilty of this but at least theres like. two sentences about it.) & when there's hybrid shit & its like ok suddenly u woke up with Searing Pain in ur back and things writhing around in there breaking through yr skin and bone to get out and-- thats IT??? there isn't even gonna be any lasting trauma about it? you're not even gonna feel weird about being permanently Different now? it isn't even inconvenient and painful?? so ig that's like-- the core of this one, lmao. obviously i have. Thoughts and Feelings on the whole prime nonconsensually and irrevocably changing ur body defenders thing. like. of course. thesis statement of my blog. & i have thoughts about. being a vessel & not getting any say in it, ig. idk. i hate when people take my stuff without asking!! the idea of someone taking my ME without asking is like, viscerally terrifying 2 me. not unpacking that moving on etc.... my favorite bit is ig ashe having conflicting and messy emotions on liking the way it feels. freaking out and trying 2 stonewall it out & eventually just. letting himself have the good thing. oversharing 9pm time but idk... ashe is a little Like Me in that he was a fucking shut in & never had friends until he was a teenager and doesn't really. know much about it? didn't have much experience in it? so he's really satisfying to write not in a projection-y way but an ah! i KNOW what this is like i can write this correctly!! very scary!!!! very 24/7 butterflies in ur stomach!! OH. I LIED. ACTUALLY. my favorite bit is ashe unconsciously using words & such abt capacitors and voltage and electricity etc. bc of growing up with an electrician dad :] very very small and minor but i have a lot of fucking emotions abt it actually!!! anyway. yeag <333

other behind the scenes thing: in my head wiwi is freaking the FUCK out the entire time he is going shit SHIT SHIT i'm so fucking bad at this shittttttttttttt is this what it's like for dakota to deal with me. is this what i'm like. shit. what do vynce and dakota do. hes like. cartoon running putting down the tracks just in front of the train this entire time <33 this is important to me.

[fbwzoo]

Well. Bearded dragon ended up coming home with Jack last night due to work shift making it easy to just get him then.

Sometimes I hate being right. I'd been getting increasingly certain that this kiddo was gonna be in bad shape from the info and pictures we kept getting. Well. Let me introduce you to Ed.

Yeah. Poor bub has moderate to severe MBD. He can't even lift himself off the ground really, and he moves by shuffling along on his belly, pulling himself with his front legs. His legs feel like undercooked noodles.

They dumped crickets in the 20g with him, so we moved him over to the 40g last night. Weird makeshift set up bc we didn't even have a lid yet, getting one today. Used the heat and (unused??) Uvb light they had for right now, getting proper stuff ASAP. He's got cloth puppy pads for the floor right now, which seems to work well. Soft, but stay put so he can move.

Joel is getting greens this morning, Jack is getting the lid and some slate & bricks for a better basking spot. May have to do just the slate if he can't even get up a ramp right now, but hoping he can so it can double as a hide. He's dehydrated as well, so that's adding to his current struggle. We decided against trying to syringe him some water last night, to avoid stressing him more than he already was.

Jack's going to work on hydration today, and also calling the vet so we can get him in next week. We're expecting at least bloodwork, probably x-rays, and then we'll see what the vet thinks about the chances of improving his state. Honestly, euthanasia is on the table, but we're still hoping to avoid that. We'd really like to at least see how he responds to a proper set up & food, and if there's any improvement with some treatment time.

And I guess I'm eating my words, bc if we don't euthanize this bub, he's probably fucking staying now! He's going to be disabled to some degree for the rest of his life, and I suppose we could still likely find someone willing to take him, but it does add further complication.

My boys know me well though. Apparently they were already taking bets on how likely we were to keep him. 🤦 I chose my life partners well, I think.

[leopardom]

i thought i wouldn't end up making one of those sappy posts before the end of 2023 but here we are i guess

what i wanna say in advance is a huge thank you, and that i'm sorry

this year has been a nightmare for me and i can't stress that word enough. i won't get into details, if you follow me you may have seen some occassional rant posts. long story short though, i'm ending 2023 being mentally exhausted af and even though i'm not in my most optimistic mood, i hope 2024 will not as shitty as 2023

as of my tumblr presence, there have been some changes. i jumped from one fandom to another without completely leaving the bc fandom. i'm just not that much in the mood anymore. maybe this will change once the new album is out? we'll see 👀 and jumping to another fandom means that i lost contact with so many people from the bc fandom. i promise you i didn't do this on purpose and i don't hate or stopped liking any of you. it just... things got weird and a bit too much in my head and now idk how to keep contact without looking extremely weird in this fandom

anyway! entering another fandom has been weird not only in means of interests but also in means of communication. ever since i remember my tumblr activity in any fandom, i always tried to interact as much as possible with other accounts and talk with people, whether that was via posts or messages. in the jo fandom i feel like i have kinda failed that

i'm aware that i post a lot and i'm probably everywhere with the content updates and the gifs. and that may be annoying to some people. and i understand it, i don't like it but i understand it and i wanna apologise for being... all over the place yet not really reaching out to anyone in the fandom or building any kind of online friendship

idk if there's an accurate explanation for the way i feel about this so i'll put it in the best words possible: i wanna make jokes and have fun in here and exchange random messages or mentions in posts and talk shit or not about jo etc, but i feel like my social anxiety (both online and offline) has passed any limit i had put to it until now that i end up thinking it's actually wrong to interact with anyone in this fandom. because everyone has already connected with some people and have built a specific line of interests and you all seem so fucking cool for someone who is as insecure and scared to talk as me so i end up hiding behind my gifs, shitposts and content updates in hopes that people will like me or at least aknowledge i exist in this fandom. and again, that's all on me, there's no one to blame for this behaviour but me and my fucked up mind (which got even more fucked up in the past year). so idk, i feel like i wanna apologise for this, for being like that

however, no matter the anxiety, i must admit that the jo tumblr fandom was actually my escape when things in real life got bad bad. i've spent hours scrolling through the jo and kaarija hashtags in hopes of seeing something unhinged and funny to lift my mood and you know what? i found something every single time. and that was more than nice. if it wasn't for all of you being as funny and crazy (in a positive way) as you are, i'd feel even worse. but every time i open the jo hashtag there's someone posting a wholesome thing or saying something unhinged like how many ways has Kris listed to kill Bojan in his sleep lmao

anyway i ended up writing a lot, this could easily be an entry to the journal that i don't keep but maybe should start keeping. if you read until this point, congratulations for going through all this ramble and i'm sorry

hope 2024 is gonna be a lot different than 2023 but in a good way this time. and i hope i get better and actually get to interact more with all of you great people 💕 and obviously i hope you all have a fantastic year ahead of you 💖

[carmenized-onions]

SIGH you got me good with this one I fear

Okay so the chap is still fresher in my mind this time since I read yesterday!! Itemized yap sheet incoming below based mostly on the order they happened

1) Yoooooo

That just cracked me up okay. Had to add. But also like. I love them. I love that Tony is so nervous to catch up with Richie bc it means talking abt mikey, but also relieved and excited ish to talk to richie bc it means talking abt mikey does that makes ykwim

2) AAAAAAA listen the way that Carmy thinks about Tony to calm down?? Like hes having a panic attack and he thinks about Tony and is calmed slightly by smelling her shampoo in his hair literally makes me ILL

2b) kinda related but also like not ?? But Anyway Like. Carmy like unsure whether or not he is actually scared/believes Richie when he says he could end his relationship with tony got me like on my knees in my workplace when I read that bc UGH he has absolutely zero confidence and i just want to kiss his face okay. Also him not really wanting to share tony with Richie is so real of him actually. Like he wants Tony to just be his and that's so sweet.

3) if we dont find out the chip storyline ill riot if only for Carmy's sake cause like Carm, im also now very intrigued that Richie didn't immediately blab when prompted but also go richie thats very cute

4)AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Scream break mb

5) last one but like the painting??? The way that it starts with the beef and has like pictures of before and stuff and the mid point is mikey and then it has pictures from like the building process and ends with the The Bear sign? IM DECEASED YOU KILLED ME THATS SO GOOD WHAT LITERALLY WHAT

6)okay im i liar whatever could i edit the post yes will i no. I digress. Last one fr. So the way both their lil povs end with them saying on friday they'll do right by each other??? Im so gone actually wtf

Anyways as always i adore you and your writing RAAAA

HEHEHEH GOTCHU!!! GOT YOUR ASS!!!

yoooooooo -- The next convos are really some of my favourite to write, i get to amp up the funny and math out what their texting styles would probably be, it's fun!!

Also yes, it's very much that part of grief where it's like a knife to talk about them, but it's also nice, it's weird when in the grief process, everyone around you acts like that person just simply Never Happened in fear of being triggering-- It's nice for Tony and Richie to get to talk raw!! Even if it's anxiety inducing to lead with it!!

2. Hehehhehe, he does it a LOT, When he called her before, trying and failing to get her voicemail, when he was having an episode in the diner and then Tony came back and he became Normal mostly. Grounding Tool but it's a Person

3. listen baby, I don't put a gun in the first act just to not fire it. I've had this backstory since chapter two. And honestly, I was extremely nervous that someone was gonna guess it and I was being too obvious. Thank God, no one has, yet-- But also no one's guessed, so like, feel free to throw in your guesses, love to hear em.

4. AHHHHHHHH!!!! Here let's see, during this scream break what can I give you...

This is what I'm screaming over, personally. This is Chapter 10 alone, LMAO. AND I'M NOT EVEN DONE LMAOOOO. The goal for me is to get it out this Friday, so it's like, timely and on theme. But we'll see how tired I am, this work week. Might've just gotten a commission (that I honestly don't want to take lmaoo) so we'll see. Fingers crossed. It's definitely gonna need me to take my eyes off it for a day and come back to, so keep your fingers crossed, for me.

5. OH GOOD! I was worried I described it poorly; there's always that fear, when you have to make the thing that's like the thing of the story, and if it's not good then what the FUCK WAS IT FOR!!!!!????

I'm vv happy to hear it killed you, is what I'm trying to say. I also thought the idea was very sweet. Hehhehe

6. You're always free to yap on end, never fear such a thing. Yes!! Their POVs start and end the same way, which is just like, a cute lil touch, yknow. Two anxious mfs. In the club tnnnnn, trying to do right by each other if it fuckin' KILLS them

thank you thank you thank u as always i love to hear this and i hope u enjoy Friday whenever the FUCK it comes out.

[alabasterandpitch]

This is probably gonna end up a garbled word salad. I'm just vomiting my insecurities, please don't take this too seriously

Realtalk, the Tumblr community is a wonderful place to find like-minded folks who share your fucked up interests and obsessions and mental illnesses, and it's honestly really nice to share that with someone as I start down the neuro-questioning rabbit hole myself. I don't think I really appreciated how closed-off I'd let that part of myself get these last few years.

But shit if this site doesn't make me feel like hot garbage as a (semi)straight man sometimes. And on some level I get it; even if we're not all oppressive agents of The Patriarchy™, there's a lot of privilege being seen as part of the in-group of society's Default Setting™. Even though I don't really fit the typical ideal of masculinity in a lot of ways, I'm still spared a tremendous amount of grief purely by virtue of being visibly male-presenting, so I'm hardly the target-demographic on Tumblr. I have my own axe to grind with societal perceptions and expectations of masculinity, but we'll save that for another day.

Tumblr is a community that focuses on uplifting and empowering marginalized groups and bringing together artists and weirdoes and eccentrics and people who might otherwise feel utterly isolated and alone, and that's such an amazing and laudable thing. I think it's more necessary than ever in the world today to have communities that celebrate all sorts of marginalized people that we don't see reflected in Mainstream Society's version of things, whether they be LGBTQ+, POC, ND, or anyone who wants to break free from the box of restrictive societal norms they feel trapped by.

Believe me, the absolute last thing I wanna do as a straight(ish) cis man is show up at The Designated LGBTQ+ Hellsite™ and start whining: 'bUt WhAt AbOuT mE?1?!?'.' But I'd be lying if I said it didn't feel a little shitty sometimes to rediscover such a vibrant community of people I can actually relate to, who makes my weird brain feel a little less alone, only to feel like I stumbled uninvited into a party nobody wants me at.

I guess I often don't feel like I'm intrinsically desirable as a man on the scrawny, introverted end of the spectrum (hardy har), and I know that's on me to deal with in therapy.

It would just be nice to see a little more male-positivity

To all the lads, boys, men -- whatever word you want! -- out there, you're fuckin killin' it dude and I'm goddamn proud of you. Don't hesitate to check in with yourself and dump out all the emotional shit from time to time, and for the love of all that is holy, don't give yourself a second less time and love than you would give to your dearest friend in need.

My asks are always open if you wanna vent to someone who knows the struggle.

[respitelocklyre]

Can't have SHIT in Strixhaven 🤦

[The following was never actually posted and exists only as a draft in Respite's socials]

I swear, can't one thing just be normal here? 😭 Or like can't it at least be weird in a fun way and not a scary, near-death-experience-waiting-to-happen way??? It's annoying enough my date night turned into a group date night, but now my date night's turning into a whole-ass rescue mission. And like, yeah, of COURSE I'm not gonna say no to freeing a bunch of enslaved people from a horrible hag now that we KNOW about it, but I wish Sersh hadn't gone digging in the first place. Like, ignorance is bliss, y'know?

I guess I shouldn't complain 😮‍💨 Like, obvs the market workers have it worse with the whole stolen souls and enslavement thing. It just feels like a big ask, is all. idk, im glad Jav is bringing some backup at least. His party seems pretty good from what I could gather. Even if I am dreading seeing Rubina again 😬 I haven't talked to her much since Thad fucking SNUBBED her in the cafe after she helped us. No hard feelings, I hope 🙄

OH And y'know what one of the worst parts is?? I got some GREAT footage to post an update about the market on my socials tomorrow- Mire adopted this crazy peacock-hawk hybrid bird (peakhawk?) and I won a super cool magical deck of cards from a little jackalope man!! 🃏🪄🎩 He did some really impressive card tricks! And now I can't even use any of it because...

Wait, fuck, I'm gonna have to make a whole other video where I explain that I didn't know this place was run by a hag that uses slave labor when I made my FIRST video supporting it. I guess on the flip side, callout posts usually get a lot of traction. Actually, I'll keep filming. Then I can still use the other footage to garner sympathy for the workers. This can still work in my favor ✍️

Anyways, I should probably stay focused till we finish up here because it kinda sounded like Willow's sister, Meadow, might be in some kinda danger too. She apparently got all involved with this fae crown that's cursed and drives people mad, but the crown ended up here in the market. Some rando named Gleeful Lee has it now i guess and they're the main performer here. We'll probably learn more about the crown and the deck of many things once we free everyone, so that's our plan atm. Me, Mire, Sersh, Thad are just chilling until the show starts, and then we're gonna slink around and find those contracts while everyone's distracted.

[jooskyimo]

Jared: "Ethan"

(content tags: NSFW, M+M, language, f-slur/homophobic language [in a 'joking' context], obsession, emotional abuse, dissociation, murder,) [ending has a song linked for emotional effect.]

PART ONE, THE BUS

June 15, 2017.

There's this guy on his phone standing near me. He looks so pretty. I mean, he's facing away from me, so I haven't seen much of his face, but he has cool hair. It's red. Never really had a ginger guy before.

I think I'm gonna make a move. We'll see what happens, and I'll make a new entry later.

I closed my notebook and put it back in my backpack. As I looked back up at the man, he looked over at me, and I gave him a friendly smile and a wave. He seemed to giggle a bit, and he waved back. He really was pretty. That made me smile, genuinely this time, and I broke our eye contact to reach down and grab my camera from my backpack.

I always loved the way old camera footage looked, and the experience of using tapes to record, so when my friend Henry gave me his old Sony Handycam, I was pretty excited. I knew immediately what I wanted to use it for. I remember thinking that it was sad that Alan was gone too early to get a tape of him, but then I realized it might be cool to use it for these more, for lack of a better term, casual victims. Having a whole collection, one for each of them. Hell, it might pose a nice mystery for future detectives or true crime fanatics if the first tape was called "Victim 2".

When I looked back up, he was looking away again, which was ideal because I had already equipped the camera. I started recording and zoomed in on him, now talking to someone standing next to him. His smile really was beautiful. Maybe... Maybe even better than Alan's. I suddenly got butterflies, a feeling I hadn't gotten since that night with Alan, almost 2 years ago now. I felt like a kid again, crushing over boys in math class. Why do I feel so weird about this guy? Why is he the only one who's making me feel this spark again?

Holy shit...

I'm falling in love.

He looked back over at me, and every part of me wanted to toss the camera in my bag, but for some reason I didn't. I just sat there like an idiot, watching through the camera as his confused expression turned into another laugh. As he started to walk over to me, I was finally able to control my body again and put down the camera.

He got to my seat, and sat down next to me. "What's that for?"

"Huh?" I stared at him with my mouth slightly agape, probably looking like an idiot.

He pointed at the device in my hands. "Making a movie?"

I chuckled nervously. "Yeah. I guess."

He put out his hand. "Well, my name's Ethan. You know, for the end credits." I shook his hand, still in shock and awe. The person I was just fawning over was right here next to me. And he was gorgeous. Freckled skin, blue eyes, a beautiful smile...

He was perfect.

"Well? You gonna tell me your name, or are you gonna stare at me and hold my hand for the rest of the ride?"

"Oh. No, sorry." I let go of his hand. "I'm Jared."

"Jared. Hmm." He leaned back. "I like it."

I must have blushed, because he smirked and looked pretty proud of himself.

"So, what are you recording for, Jared?" There was an emphasis on my name, as if he was trying to use the word itself as a joke. I never was a submissive guy, never into degrading or anything, but man, this guy's teasing me was really turning me on.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

"Oh, y'know, just... Stuff. Regular, normal stuff." Dude, what? Think before you talk.

"Well, Jared, if I'm gonna be in the final cut of your 'regular, normal stuff', then I'd like to know what it is."

"It was a dare from a friend. Do a backflip and get 50 bucks, or record someone on the bus. Almost broke my neck, and well..." I gestured at the camera. "Missed out on 50 bucks. And now... Y'know."

He smiled. "Yeah, sure. Well, I hope your 'friend' isn't planning on using that footage for, uh... Personal use." He nudged me with his elbow and smiled. I stuttered trying to respond. "Calm down. I'm kidding. Oh shit, this is my stop." He stood up. "Seeya around, Jared." He waved before leaving the bus with the person from before.

I watched him and his friend walk down the street and turn the corner to a shopping center.

I opened my notebook and made a note of what stop he had got off the bus at, and the street he'd turned on.

Damn. Should’ve asked for his number.

I knew I couldn't lose him. 2 years of never being able to find the perfect guy, and then this dude just appears out of nowhere?

I wanted him.

I needed him.

Update. Holy shit.

He came up to me. He asked my name. He didn't get mad at me. He was so nice and funny and amazing...

It's him. It has to be. He's the next one.

PART TWO, THE SHOPPING CENTER

June 16, 2017

Oh my god. He's here again. Thank god. I've been riding the bus so long it's on the third loop of its route. I started to think he wouldn't be taking the bus today.

He's dressed even better than yesterday. Is it for me?...

"What's up?"

I slammed my notebook shut and looked over. My face was definitely red.

"You have a diary?" He smiled.

"Heh. Hi, Ethan."

He leaned his head on my shoulder. "Can I see?"

I gulped and opened to another page when nothing too weird was going on in my life. Just some stuff about how hard work is and how tired I am. He grabbed the book, and read while quietly saying the words out loud to himself and smiling softly, seeming genuinely interested in my rant about customer service.

I took the book back. "It's... I just..."

"Dude, I have a diary too. It's fine." He laughed.

"It... It's a healthy habit."

"Yeah."

We looked at each other for a while, and for a second I swear I felt him getting closer... Slowly, barely noticable, but he was. I wanted to kiss him so bad...

"Yo, Ethan! Shopping center! Lesgo!" A tall man with brown hair and a similar smile to Ethan's shouted across the bus, waving at Ethan.

"Oh shit. Uh, I gotta..." He got up, and paused. "Eh, fuck it. You wanna come shopping with us?" He held his hand out. "Not every day you run into an interesting stranger." I smiled and nodded, but bypassed the gesture and stood up, making a beeline for the door.

I wasn't used to regular human interaction, and I doubt I ever will be.

I followed him and his friend, who introduced himself as Gavin but told me to call him G, and we found ourselves in some store that had the same feel as a Hot Topic. I don't remember if it was a Hot Topic or not - I was far too busy staring at Ethan to care.

As we walked around the store, and Gavin and Ethan were grabbing anything and everything that they laid their eyes on, I became increasingly aware of a weird feeling starting to make itself known. It was something close to jealousy, but something else was hiding behind it. Anger? No. I didn't feel angry at all. It was like... Calmness. I felt jealous, but not like I always did where it made me feel like I'd kill the next person who pissed me off. No, this was like a strange comfortability. I felt like a third wheel, following behind the two friends who were joking and smiling with each other, but somehow I knew Ethan didn't feel the same way about Gavin as he did about me. It didn't make sense, I knew that. We hadn't even known each other for 24 hours. But I just knew. I could feel it. I smiled to myself and kept walking.

An hour and what had to be at least 300$ of merchandise later, they were done and I followed them out of the store to a park near the shopping center. We made our way to a pretzel stand next to some benches, one of which Gavin immediately ran to to claim our seats, laughing as an approaching couple gave him dirty looks and turned to find another bench, and Gavin responded by laughing at them.

"Look at the menu, Jared."

"Huh?"

Ethan smiled. "Aren't you hungry?"

I nodded. "Sure. I guess I'll get a pretzel. With cheese sauce."

Ethan turned and ordered, and I checked my phone. I didn't have any messages, as usual, so I pretended to be busy until we could sit down.

"Thanks."

"Of course." Ethan gave me my food and started eating. "Oh my god," He moaned after taking a bite. I'm sure I don't even need to tell you how it affected me. "It's so fucking good. You sure you don't want food, G?"

"I'm good, man! I don't wanna eat today. Fasting. We're going to that buffet tomorrow, remember? Wanna get my money's worth, man."

"Oh shit. I totally blanked on that, dude." He turned to me. "J, you like sushi?"

"Yeah, I guess." Sushi definitely isn't one of my favorite foods. Not by a long shot. But I'd genuinely take a bullet to the face for this guy, so scarfing down a plate of raw fish didn't sound so bad. I looked at the bags of stuff they'd just bought. "How can you guys just... Buy all this stuff? You didn't even think about it."

"You judging me?" Ethan raised his voice in a joking way.

"What? No! Absolutely not."

"Well, I mean, not every college student has the money to spend like we do. You probably think I've got rich parents and I'm a spoiled little bitch, huh?" I stared at him and didn't answer. He laughed and punched me in the shoulder. "I'm joking. No, but seriously, G's dad is insanely loaded. He gives me an allowance every week. And it's nothing compared to what G gets. Ain’t that right, G?"

"Yeah, man. It's awesome. I could hook you up, man, if you want some."

"Why're you talking about it like drugs?" Ethan laughed and Gavin got up and stood like he was about to fight someone, his fists up in front of him and his feet planted firmly on the grass.

"What're you trying to say, faggot? I could sell drugs, man!"

"No you couldn't, pussy." Ethan got up too, and they started fake fighting.

"Yuh huh, man! I'm tough!"

"You're a pussy."

They threw insults and light punches, and it ws pretty entertaining, but it got more entertaining when they were done and Ethan walked back towards the bench and took off his shirt. He was absolutely stunning, sweating and panting softly. He must have noticed me staring, because he tossed his shirt over my head and puched my arm again.

"You checking me out, Jared?" I grabbed the shirt off my head and looked at him, met with his smile. He was sitting closer to me than I thought, our faces as close as they were when we were on the bus earlier. He fixed my hair, then he looked at my lips, then back into my eyes. I fully expected a kiss, and the feeling of butterflies grew in anticipation, but instead he reached his hand up and wiped my cheek with his finger and licked it. "Mmm. Cheese sauce." He smirked before getting back up and running towards Gavin, tackling him to the ground and screaming.

I put my backpack over my lap, and took my notebook out.

I don't even know what to write about what just happened. He's definitely flirting. And it's a little intense. But not in a bad way. I feel so good right now. I can't believe what's happening today. Holy fucking shit.

He invited me to dinner tomorrow. Should I make a move? I usually just would, but he makes me nervous. It feels so weird.

We'll see how this goes.

PART THREE, THE KISS

June 17, 2017

I've never been this excited for a date before. I mean, he didn't say it was a date, and yeah, his friend will be there, but whatever. In my mind, it's a date.

I'm gonna try to get him in bed tonight. I know it sounds fast, but god damn it, I've never needed a guy like this. He drives me insane.

Wish me luck, diary.

I closed my notebook and started getting ready. I'd spent the last of what little extra money I had on a white button up shirt, which I wore with jeans and Converse sneakers.

Man, I seriously need to take Gavin up on his offer.

As I was about to get on the bus, I heard someone call my name. I turned and saw Gavin and Ethan running up to me. They said hello and we got on, sitting together in the very back. I was next to the window, as I always am, and Ethan sat right next to me.

"Didn't know you lived in this area." I said, taking off my beanie as the bus started moving.

"Yeah. Didn't realize I was so close." Well, we are definitely close. I scooted the tiniest bit closer to him, trying to close the small gap. "Gavin doesn't live here, though. His house is over on Mango Blossom."

"Wow. Rich people houses. I mean, makes sense."

"Oh yeah!" Gavin leaned forward so he could see me from behind Ethan. "J, you want that allowance I mentioned?"

"Oh. Dude. That would be awesome."

"No problem my man. I got you. My dad's gonna wanna meet you first. But here, take this." He took out his wallet and handed me a hundred bucks.

"Damn, this much? In cash? Aren't you scared of getting mugged?" I chuckled.

"Nah. That's pocket money, man. Plus, the chance of me being mugged isn't higher than anybody else's as long as I dont go around flashing my money or looking all wealthy and shit. S'why I dress like you two."

"Hey!" Ethan punched him.

"Kidding!"

"Yeah, sure man." He turned back to me, putting his hand on my upper thigh. I didn't expect it at all, and it got me excited. It was a little hard to hide, especially since my backpack was over by Gavin, so I adjusted my coat.

He smirked at me. "Saw that, J."

Fuck.

"I... It's not..."

"It's okay, man." He laughed, then leaned closer, lowering his voice and moving his hand higher on my thigh. "I meant to."

"Oh my god."

He took his hand off of me. "Oh. Sorry, Jared, I thought-"

"No! I, um... It wasn't a bad 'oh my god', it's just... Uh..."

Before I could get any more words out, I found his body pressed against mine, his hands on the back of my head pulling me closer, and our lips touched. I felt electricity shooting through my body. We shared a deep kiss before he leaned back in his seat and pumped his fists.

"Whoo! God damn! I have been wanting to do that since yesterday. Fuck." He looked back at me. "You are an amazing kisser."

Gavin clapped and whistled, and the couple other people on the bus started to look back at us with judging looks. "What a show! Encore!"

"Shut the fuck up, G." Ethan closed his eyes, relaxing and grabbing my hand, interlocking our fingers. "You're amazing." He looked at me. "Oh... I'm sorry for not asking before I did that. I should've, but... The moment was..."

"No. Trust me. I get it." I smiled. "You make me feel the same way."

"Faggot." Gavin fake coughed, lighting a cigarette. Ethan slapped it out of his hand. "Hey, what the fuck, man?"

"Not allowed on the bus, G!"

"Oh, but you fags can make out and grind on each other? Come on. You're practically inside each other." I knew he was just making fun of us, but it made me briefly fantasize about Ethan, and that made me harder than I already was.

"We fucking kissed for like 3 seconds, asshole."

"Whatever." He leaned down to pick up his cigarette. "S'my last one, man... Damn..." He grumbled and trailed off.

"Sorry he keeps saying that, by the way, Jared. Just how he is. He's joking, don't worry. He isn't gonna hate crime you or anything. Honestly..." He leaned in and whispered. "I think he might be closeted. Y'know. Got internal homophobia or somethin'. But hey. That's just my theory."

"Fuck are you saying about me, Ethan?"

"Nothing! Jeez!"

Jesus. He's a lot more brave than I thought.

I really don't understand why I like him so much. He's nothing like Jared. Not reserved at all. And definitely not submissive. So why the fuck am I into him? He makes me feel so weird. Like I don't even want to be dominant anymore.

I don’t care. I'm obsessed with him, and that's all I've been looking for. I need him to stay interested in me. If he asks me to wear a fucking collar with his name on it or some shit, so be it.

I love him.

PART FOUR, RAW MEAT

Same day. Just later. It's weird how much more I'm writing in here now. 2 pages in a day? I'm gonna need a new notebook soon.

Anyway. We just sat down at the buffet. Gotta be honest, this place looks fancy as fuck. Even for Gavin.

God, I fucking need Ethan so bad. I don't care anymore. I want him to tie me up and edge me till I cry. I want him to choke me while he fucks me. I want him to overstimulate and torture me. I'd never say something like that about someone before, but damn, man. He's just so tall, so assertive, so fucking hot...

I bet his dick is huge.

"What're you writing about? You look really... Invested in it." Ethan smiled, leaning over from the other side of the table to look.

I pulled the book away and shoved it in my backpack. "Nothing. Just, y'know. Journal entry."

He smirked. "Sure. Journaling in the middle of a buffet."

"Well, what else would I be writing?"

"Some fucking gay fantasy about Ethan, probably." Gavin chuckled, sitting in his seat and setting a down a plate full of food. An old couple turned their heads from a nearby booth. "Mind your fuckin' business." The couple looked away and whispered to each other, giving Gavin judging looks. "Jesus. No goddamn privacy in public."

"You just figured that out? Wow, good job!" Ethan blew the end of the paper wrapper from his straw at Gavin.

"Fuck off. Else I'll have to beat your ass again."

"Oh, sure. You beat my ass." They both laughed, and Ethan looked at me, his smile fading, and he rested his head on his hand. "You don't laugh much, do you?"

"Oh... I mean... I don't know. Been a rough past few years. I'm just trying to get used to feeling good, I guess."

"Hmm. Well, start by getting some food. How do you like your fish, man? Like it raw? Or like, baked? Or-"

"'Course he likes it raw." Gavin interrupted through a mouthful of rice.

"Shut the fuck up, asshole." Ethan barked, pushing him so hard he almost fell off the bench. I let out a quiet laugh. "Aw, see? You can laugh. Just gotta make shitty gay jokes, I guess." He smiled. "Come on. Let's see what they got." He got up and took my hand, leading me to the food.

"I do, by the way." I responded quietly, starting to pile different sushi rolls onto my plate.

"You do what?"

I hesitated for a moment. "Like it raw." Obviously, I'd never taken it raw. Actually, I'd only tried bottoming a couple times, and those were with toys. But I did like it when someone else was taking me raw, so I wasn't fully lying.

I couldn't look at him after saying that, so I kept looking for food to add to my already overloaded plate.

Ethan paused, and I looked back towards him. "Jesus fucking Christ, Jared." He put his plate on the counter and took a step toward me, grabbing my waist. "You trying to get me to take you home early? 'Cuz you know I don't have a problem taking you into the bathroom right now. And if I do, you'll be walking out with bruised knees." He smirked, looking down at me. I blushed and smiled to myself, and he let go of me and we walked back to the table.

I didn't even taste the food. Didn't hear any of their conversations or any of Gavin's dumb jokes, either. I just couldn't stop thinking about Ethan, and what he'd said about taking me to the bathroom...

I couldn't stop thinking about Ethan.

Back on the bus. Gavin's almost fucking passed out in the back. Pretty sure Ethan's taking me to his house. Cool.

PART FIVE, SCREAM

I don't know what Ethan wants to do with me, but I'm fighting the thoughts about hurting him as much as I can. Part of me Most of me wants to do to him exactly what I did to Alan; tie him up, grind on him till he cums, slit his throat, fuck his body... Eat him.

But the rest of me is telling me not to.

It's so weird for me. Loving people. Why am I like that? Why do I have that urge to murder the people I'm attracted to? Why the fuck is killing people so hot to me? Never really asked myself that.

And now I know why. I feel like shit now. I'm gonna just stop thinking about it and hope the night ends well: with me swallowing Ethan's load. And who knows? Maybe I will kidnap him and torture him or something. We'll see.

"You gonna keep writing in your diary, or you wanna cuddle?" Ethan said, walking out of his kitchen with two cups of hot chocolate and setting them on the coffee table. He sat on the couch next to me and wrapped one of his arms around my shoulders as he searched for a movie on his TV.

"Sorry. Lot of stuff happened today. Lots to write down." I put my belongings on the floor and leaned back into his arm.

"You seem like a horror movie guy, huh? Like 'Scream'?"

"Hot guys covered in blood? Absolutely."

He huffed a laugh and put on the movie. Of course, I didn't pay any attention to it. Too busy thinking about Ethan, as usual.

Fuck, I'm so hard...

"Hey, uh... Where's the bathroom?"

"Just down that hall, first door on the right."

"Thanks."

I walked down the hall and into the bathroom, locking the door. I looked in the mirror and sighed deeply.

Am I really gonna jerk off in his bathroom? I mean, I have to, right? I don't want to go back out like this... God, I fucking suck.

Before I could unzip my pants, I heard Ethan yell my name.

I ran back into the living room, to find Ethan standing by my bag, holding my notebook open to today's page.

"What the fuck is this? 'Slit his throat'? 'Eat him'?! The fuck is this, Jared?"

I stared back at him, unable to respond.

"Jared! Fucking explain this shit! Were you gonna fucking kill me?!"

"Ethan... I-I didn't mean..."

"No. Don't fucking do that. Just tell me what this means. What is this? What is wrong with you?"

"I'm sorry, Ethan."

He grabbed my bag and shoved it into my arms, then pushed me out the front door. "Fuck outta my house. Don't call me. Don't come to my house. Don't fucking follow me around. Should've seen it as a red flag when the first fucking thing you did was record me on the bus. Fuck off, Jared." He slammed the door.

I must've spent a good hour or so sitting in his front yard and looking into his window, watching him pace around as he yelled to Gavin on the phone. Eventually, after I was done crying and Ethan had shut off all the lights and presumably gone to his room, I left.

Fuck. Fucking fuck. What do I do? God damn it. I shouldn't have left it open. Fuck, I shouldn't have even written that shit. Who writes shit like that? Who thinks shit like that?

Shit, what is wrong with me???

Fuck. He was the one, man. Fuck.

Fuck!

PART SIX, LETTER

Okay. I just got home. I don't fucking know what I'm gonna do, but I know I need to get him back.

Maybe I could tell him it was a prank? No, that's a horrible idea. Fucking idiot.

God, I wish I could just go back to 3 hours ago. I'm actually the fucking worst.

No. I'm not that bad. It's not my fault, right? I can't control my own thoughts. It's just how I am. No shame in that.

Okay. I need to actually come up with something.

He said don't call. He didn't say shit about letters... I'll send him a letter.

Yeah. I'll tell him...

Fuck. What do I even say??? Fuck it. I'll just figure it out as I go.

Done. Told him to meet me at the park.

I mean... It's not an awful idea.

I'll meet him at the park, and... Talk to him. Yeah.

We'll just talk.

But I'll take some of my supplies. Just in case.

I'm gonna go deliver the letter.

Wish me luck, journal.

PART SEVEN, PARK

June 18, 2017

I really hope he shows up. I don't want this to be like me and Alan. I want Ethan to genuinely want me.

I want to keep him for myself, and I want him to like it.

But if this ends up going the same way Alan did... I want to at least try to keep him alive longer, because I regret the early ending with Alan so, so bad.

I can't mess this up.

I sat on a bench near the wooded area of the park, constantly turning my head and searching the paths for Ethan.

I had doubted he'd show from the second I had the idea, but I especially doubted it now it was almost 7 in the afternoon. I'd been sat there all day, not eating, or drinking, or moving at all, just waiting.

You could never even begin to imagine the relief I felt when I saw a tall figure in a coat approaching, and I recognized it as Ethan. I also felt extremely nervous.

I expected a punch to the face and him screaming in my face and calling me a stalker or something, but instead, he sat calmly and quietly on the bench beside me, almost as if he hadn't even noticed I was there. As if he wasn't even here for me.

But to my relief, and slight terror, he was. After a long wait, he broke the cold silence.

"Why did you want to meet, Jared?"

He didn't look at me. He just looked forward, towards the lake. I couldn't see his face past his coat's hood, but I saw his breath when he spoke. I honestly hadn't even realized how cold it was until that very moment.

"I wanted... To say sorry, I guess."

"That’s it?"

"And that... I love you."

He scoffed, still not even glancing in my direction. In fact, he turned his head even further the other way, now looking in the direction of a swing set a few hundred feet to the side of our bench.

"I really fucking do, Ethan. And I'm genuinely so sorry I wrote that stuff about you. It's just... I write shit like that a lot. It's kind of a way to vent. It's all fantasy. I wouldn't hurt you, I would never-"

"I know, man." He finally looked at me, his nose and cheeks rosy and his eyes watered slightly from the cold, making them twinkle under the streetlights and the moon. He looked so beautiful. More than he ever had. And it made me feel bad about what I had done to him. Genuinely bad. I never felt that before. 100% genuine remorse for making a person feel the way I had made him feel. And it made me hang my head and stare down at my foot as I tapped it against the cold sidewalk below.

"I know you wouldn't do that stuff. It's just..." He paused again, and I looked at him. "Fuck, man. I really liked you. Well, I still do." That made me smile. He saw my smile, and smiled back, but it wasn't the smile he usually had. It was downturned. False and saddened. "You disappointed me. That isn't an easy thing to come back from. At least for me."

He scooted closer to me. "Listen. I don't want you to think I'm some vanilla gay who hasn't ever experimented. That's all Gavin." We both laughed a little at that. "I do think that that... Stuff... Has its place. It can be hot, y'know? Rape play, knife play. All that. But seriously, you writing that stuff about me before we'd even had a genuine one-on-one about each other was not cool."

I nodded. "I understand. Fuck, I'm so sorry, Ethan, I'm-"

He pulled me into a hug. "It's okay. I forgive you. Just..." He let go and leaned back, but kept a hand on my shoulder. "Let's talk about it first, man, okay? You can write all the shit you want, say all the shit you want, do all the shit you want. I'm okay with it. But talk to me about it first. You wouldn't want to find out that I was writing stuff like that about you without you knowing, would you?" I shook my head. Obviously, it was a lie. One of the things I'd always dreamed of was having someone like me do the things I do, to me. But I didn't feel like now was the best time to let him know how crazy I was.

He nodded, and pulled me into a hug again, this one longer than the first. "I think I love you too, Jared."

I cuddled him closely and we didn't let go for a while. In fact, we didn't really let go. It just became... Not a hug. We inched closer, hugged tighter, then I ended up sitting on his lap, then his arms moved lower, and he used them to push me down onto him so he could grind up against me.

"Are you sure...?"

"There's nobody here. And I don't care either way. I'm fucking horny." He smiled, unbuckling his pants and pushing them down a bit, along with his boxers. I looked down. His cock was just like I imagined. He was cut, and 7 or 8 inches, and it was so pretty and perfect...

"Warm me up?" He smiled, and it was genuine this time. I nodded excitedly, and stood quickly to pull down my pants and boxers as well, then sat back in his lap.

He spat in his hand, and rubbed it all over his cock, throwing his head back and groaning. "Fuck, Jared..." Hearing him say my name like that did something to me. I already wanted this, but that made me crave it. I felt more desperate for him that I'd ever felt for anything, ever. He lifted his head back up and looked into my eyes, putting his fingers in his mouth and slowly sucking them, moaning and laughing, sticking his tongue out and showing me how deep he could finger-fuck his own mouth...

Fuck, I love this. Holy fucking shit.

Finally, he pulled his fingers out of his mouth, and reached down to press them against my hole.

"Oh, fuck!" My back arched and I gasped.

"Mhm, you like that?" He purred, his voice souding even deeper than usual. I whimpered and nodded. He pushed a finger in and I collapsed, falling into him, my arms around his shoulders. "Yeah? You like that, don't you, little slut?" He asked softly in my ear, his breath hot against my skin and making me shiver.

I felt my cock kick, and precum dripped out and onto his lower stomach. "Oh my god. Please say that again. Please. Please, fuck..."

He hummed and pushed in deeper, pressing against a spot that made my head spin. "My little fucking slut."

"Fuck, Ethan, I might-"

He moved his free hand to my cock and held it tightly at the base. "Not yet, baby. I wanna mess with you. I wanna fuck you up."

"Do whatever you want to me. Please. Anything. I need you so bad, Ethan, please." I begged, whimpering as I lightly rubbed my cock against his.

"Yeah, frot that pretty cock against mine, slut. Fuck." It felt so amazing. His dick was so warm and wet, and combined with his moans and dirty talking, I almost came all over him. But before I got too close, as if he knew, he grabbed my waist and stood me up in front of him. "Okay. We gotta take this home. I know what I said but I just realized I'd rather not get arrested."

I nodded. "Yeah... That's a good idea." I panted, dressing myself and walking with him to the bus stop.

We had a hard time getting into his house on account of the fact that we didn't stop kissing. We stumbled into his living room and fell onto the couch, and Ethan pulled off both our clothes.

"Fuck. You're just... Amazing." He said breathlessly, his hands roaming over my skin as I straddled him. "So hot."

"Thank you. You are too." I responded, leaning down to keep kissing him. After a moment, he reached down, grabbed both of our cocks, and started stroking. I felt like I was going to explode. "Please..." I repeated the word, whimpering between quick, deep kisses.

"Please what, baby?" He smirked against my lips. I moaned and shuddered at the sound of him calling me that.

"Please. I need you inside me." He groaned, leaning his head back, his pace quickening. "No! Stop, please, Ethan, I'm gonna-"

"Just a little more, baby. I know you can hold back." He raised his other hand to my chest, and slid it up to my neck, wrapping his hand tightly around it. He looked me deeply in the eyes, a sadistic flash in them that I hadn't seen before. "You fucking love that, don't you? You love being my little bitch."

Something about that word. Him calling me that. It felt so bad, but so good. I hated being degraded, but from him it was the most pleasing thing I'd ever experienced. It made my brain melt, and led to a very confusing orgasm.

"Fuck, Ethan, m'cumming!.." I cried out, slightly choking from his grip on my neck. I grabbed onto his shoulders tightly as I felt myself trembling as I shot cum all over his cock and stomach.

He smiled, the sadisctic look only growing stronger. "God. You're such a good boy for me, Jared." He kept stroking, his pace fast and steady.

"Ethan, please! I can't... I can't do it..." I closed my eyes tightly, begging for him to end the extreme overstimulation I was feeling.

He stopped and loosened his grip on my neck, and I panted, trying hard to catch my breath. Just when I thought he was giving me a break, I suddenly felt him force himself into me, and I made a loud, pained noise.

"Ah! Too much, too much, please..."

Hearing the sincerity in my voice, he immediately let go of my neck and reached up to cup my cheek, that look in his eyes replaced with genuine concern. "Sorry baby. I-I didn't mean to do it so fast. Are you okay?"

I nodded slowly, leaning into his touch. "It... Hurt, but it didn’t feel bad. I think it's okay."

"Alright. Just... Tell me when it's okay for me to move, okay?" I hummed a confirmation, and closed my eyes, processing the situation.

He really cares. Holy shit.

I opened my eyes, giving a small nod. "You can move. Just go slow."

He slowly pulled out, then pushed back in.

"Mmm. Slower."

He did it again, more gently.

"Good."

He kept going, and after a bit he'd sped up a lot more, but I didn't care to tell him to slow down again. He was trying his best, and it felt really, really fucking good. And I didn't wanna interrupt the sounds coming from him, either. They were amazing. So fucking filthy, and yet almost angelic at the same time. Especially towards the end.

"Fuck! Baby, I'm gonna fucking cum." He moaned loudly, a soft whimpering sound following it. I sat up straight, and started riding him, letting him enjoy himself without working any harder than he already had. My leg muscles burned like hell, but it was so worth it.

"Mm! Cumming! Fuck, let me fill you up, good boy..." He grabbed my hair with one hand, pulling me in to kiss him as he came. His moans filled my mouth, and I had to try so hard not to let myself get close to cumming again. "God... That was... You were incredible." He gasped, finally pulling away from the kiss.

I collapsed onto him, and he wrapped his arms around me. "Thank you. I wouldn't have wanted to lose my virginity to anyone else, Ethan..." I mumbled, my head still foggy from the pleasure.

"What? I thought you said you'd been with guys before?"

"Hmm?"

"At dinner. You said you liked taking dick raw."

"Oh. Yeah. I was kind of lying. I just wanted to say something to make you attracted to me."

He laughed, and the movement of his chest against me made me smile. "Well, you didn't need to do that, trust me. I already liked you."

"I'm so happy right now, Ethan."

"Me too, J."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"Please don't ever leave me."

He paused for a moment. My heart started racing, and I thought I'd gone too far. But then he replied, reaching up to run his hand through my hair. "I won't leave you, Jared. Ever." I smiled against his chest, and with the gentle movement of his breathing, slowly drifted to sleep.

PART EIGHT, ANNIVERSARY

June 18, 2018.

"I won't leave you. Ever".

That's a promise nobody should break.

Especially not someone who made that promise to me.

I guess, technically, he never broke the promise. He never left me. Not by choice, anyway. But God, I'd be exaggerating if I said he still loved me towards the end.

But he still tried.

"Babe, how many fucking times do I need to tell you to clean this shit up?" Ethan scolded, picking several cereal boxes off the dining table and putting them into the pantry. I sat on the couch, scribbling into a notebook.

"They're fine on the table. Easier to get before work in the morning. Nothing wrong with putting them there."

"And do you think maybe you could stop writing in that book and help me clean? Gavin's coming over for the party. I'd like it if you showed a little interest in it. It's our anniversary, man."

I sighed, lowering the book and looking over at him. His hands were on his hips, and he wore dish gloves and an apron. I tried to hide a smile at how cute he looked. "You know I love you. And I'll help, but I just..." I got up, walking over to him and moving his hair from his face. "You know this book is important."

"I'm supposed to be important too, Jared." His eyes were watering, and it made me feel like someone was squeezing my chest.

"You are, Ethan." I put my hands on his cheeks, pulling him closer. "You're my world. You know that."

"Yeah." He smiled, but I could still see he was hurt. "Do you mind helping your world out with the dishes?" He quipped. I smiled back and nodded.

"Absolutely. Of course. Just let me finish this chapter, okay?"

Ethan's eyelids dropped a bit, and his smile immediately dropped to a disappointed frown. "Yeah. Alright, Jared."

"You don't seem happy."

"I'm... I'm fine."

"Ethan." I leaned my face closer to his.

"I'm fine." He repeated, staring back at me with a look that almost made me feel nauseous. He looked so fed up and tired.

I should've done something. I should've hugged him, kissed him, told him how much he meant to me, and how I could see how hurt he was. But instead, the only thing I could get out was a quiet

"Okay."

He turned away to start washing dishes, and I could tell he was fighting himself so he wouldn't start sobbing.

I didn't know what to do. I hated myself. In that moment, I realized how much I was affecting him, and how bad of a partner I was. I stood behind him, arguing with myself.

Why aren't you good to him? He doesn't deserve you. You need to stop this.

It kept going, and I felt a tear fall down my cheek.

I felt like I was losing myself. And at that moment, I pretty much was. I felt emotions so strong that I started to not feel anything. I just stood there, trying to move, or comfort him, but I couldn't. I felt weird and broken.

The next thing I remember is him on the floor. I really wish I knew what happened, but I promise you that I don't. It was like I blacked out. Or my brain just locked away the memory. Whatever happened, I know what the outcome was. I saw it.

He was laid on the tile, facing up. Blood splattered his face, and he looked petrified. He looked so scared. And as my eyes moved down his body, and I saw even more blood, and more, and more, and then the wounds, and then the knife, still stuck inside him, I felt myself coming all the way back into my body. The memory is clearer and clearer.

And something weird happened.

I vomited. Almost immediately. I stood up, leaned over the sink, careful not to step on him or bump him, and I threw up.

I didn't feel good. I didn't think it was hot, or cool. I couldn't look at what I did and think or feel anything except disgust. Not because of the gore, you know how I react to that. It wasn’t that. It was the fact that I knew exactly what I'd done. I knew what had just happened.

The person I loved for over a year was laying in front of me. I was looking at his corpse, and I was the reason he was dead.

PART NINE, SPLITTING UP

Looking back, I know I treated him like shit. I see that. I don't need anybody telling me how horrible I am. I never did romantic things for him, never bought him flowers or chocolate. I didn't appreciate him enough.

He'd have been better off with anyone else. That's obvious. He'd still be here, walking around, enjoying everything. Being the fucking absolute joy he always was. He deserved to be alive. But I'm fucked up, and he was unlucky enough to get on a bus with me. Unlucky enough to love me back, to look past all the signs that he should have just run away and never looked back. Unlucky enough to be trusting, and nice, and way, way, way too forgiving.

I feel like I know why I did it. But I honestly am not completely sure. I guess I just got so angry that he was sad because of me. I got so mad that I killed him. Because I felt like I wasn't enough for him, and I never would be.

I say it's a guess because that same thing happened so many times before with Alan, and I didn't kill him for a very long time. I don't know why it hurt so much more with Ethan, but it really fucking did.

I'm so sorry for taking you from this world, Ethan.

I wish I could say he was the last one. I wish I could say losing him made something click, and that I got help and changed and stopped falling in love with people and killing them. But you're reading my journals. You found them, and you know there's more. So many more.

I should probably be more interactive with you, shouldn't I?

You're going through a lot reading this. You deserve to know that I appreciate it. So, yeah. I do. Thank you for reading these. For whatever reason you are. Maybe it's because you care about my story, or because you think it's hot, or maybe you just really fucking hate me and you want to know about my most vulnurable moments. Whatever the reason is, I'm glad someone's seeing this.

Or maybe you aren't seeing this. Maybe nobody will ever find these, and they'll be in that spot forever. And that would be my fault for burying these notebooks in such a random place.

I really hope someone's reading this.

[swallowtailed]

palisade 21 (!!!!)

and the oscar for best weird tension goes to: ali acampora!!!!!!! (~very small background applause~)

i am SO pleased that the crew's doing both the moon mission and the stargrave mission. i was really torn over which i wanted to happen, and assumed the moon mission would get put off. but this is fantastic. best of both worlds.

it does make me wonder how they're gonna handle the tension. the a-plot is gonna play opposite (let alone mirror) the b-plot's apocalypse mission. so i'm excited to find out what heights the a-plot will be pushed to! (fatt, as a show, favors world-endings. i imagine we'll confront a past one, and figure's future.)

[also, just to get my guess in now - i think chimera's lantern was originally part of the planet palisade, got exploded out from the giant caldera at the northern pole, and contains (the tomb of?) palisade's excerpt.]

but plot stuff aside... brnine. holy shit. fantastic scenes this ep, from the crew meeting to the call to gucci to the conversation with thisbe. ali did not miss a fucking beat.

again in partizan parallels, brnine getting chewed out for baseline felt very reminiscent of their conversation with k.o. rooke after orzen. except this time they made the call knowingly, and it was inaction rather than action.

i loved the moment of brnine referencing how the blue channel was used as a distraction by the cause.

i'm really, really excited for brnine and phrygian to run this gauntlet. by which i don't mean the infiltration (although that'll be cool), but the interpersonal gauntlet of being the two people trying to take out the stellar combustor. i... kind of suspect phrygian may not make it through this one, is the thing? (also my hopes for a bottle horror situation in their new tin can are SO high)

that conversation with thisbe--it felt like a really good twist on the han solo/c3po kind of trope for thisbe to ask brnine for reassurance that they'd succeed. not "never tell me the odds", but "show me the improbable future you believe in", "explain why i matter out of the whole universe". very deeply tender in their own specific way. i'm really glad thisbe and brnine made it to this point.

brnine and asepsis: so what are we calling the pilot-divine relationship where the pilot gains the divine's trust enough to take over its role when it's in crisis? suggestions welcome.

(does brnine know they're so trusted? this only occurred to me just now, but like, what the fuck. thisbe, asepsis, the team meeting--their crew trust them so much. do they know that? this is going to keep me up at night.)

the primary/satellite callback was fantastic, but it's also so fucking funny to me to imagine gucci and brnine retiring to open a space truck stop together. gucci already almost died on one of those!

more seriously-- from tm 20: "the second that you start thinking that a loaded gun is romantic is the second you stop being like us and start being like them."

and the tone of that conversation was so funny. you know, in its horror. gucci having an audible breakdown, brnine making plans in response. they've known each other for way too long. i am also glad they made it to this point, but in a kicked-back-eating-popcorn way. (also: acting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

other loose notes:

phrygian-as-carnival is both very bluff city and, frankly, very irl state fair

the discussion of how branched work just made me want to see janine play a branched even more than i already did

cori this ep: love the kind of pc who takes a loss as a signal that they just need to push farther, fight harder, and fulfill the destiny they're sure they're supposed to have. peak tragedy.

imo the blue channel are a very accurate representation of the kind of crew who are in the shit with no one but themselves. highly specific ways of relating to each other. deep trust. bickering. (work got rough this week, okay, and this ep made me feel very seen.)

very pleased that perennial is tier 7. this is the proper number.

i really have to listen to counterweight, don't i

[shall-we-go-far-away]

now that was an episode!! whew, I don't even know where to start

Boston, god damn it Boston, he's so uurrgh, he's so weird like I genuinely don't know what his deal is.. ok, he's seems to want something from Top but is it necessary to literally manipulate every single person around you?? I felt like this ep. we followed him going from one person to another and just completely fucking them over

I don't even know how to describe it but whenever Boston is on screen my brain just goes "ew!" with literally everything he does, I know nothing in the show or trailer implies that there's gonna be murder involved but Boston genuinely gives me serial killer vibes I don't know how to explain it

and you know how I said I don't like Boston and Top, well this ep. didn't exactly made me like Top but at least showed me Top had some sort of humanity left in him while I think Boston is just a straight up asshole

Top is still weird to me, he's like a huge question mark he seems to like Mew and is obviously interested, I guess that's why he seemed a little hurt when Boston showed him the picture of Mew and Ray kissing but that really doesn't justify him having sex with Boston especially after Boston said the photo was from two years ago?? like bestie, you seem to be having serious trust issues

moving on to Sand and Ray, I'll just tackle them in one because as of right now they are the only pairing with a realistic chance of ending up together, I think their dynamic is fun but they walk this really thin line between just sex and feelings which yes, they did dicuss but we all know this isn't going to work out

their scene in the car gave us a reality check of where their relationship really is at because Ray is still into Mew, he enjoys Sand's company and all that but Mew still is more important and you could tell by Sand's reaction that he felt kind of betrayed, he let Ray have his way even though he said he never slept with someone twice that wasn't his lover only for Ray to leave him in the middle of everything

now I don't mind Ray being there for his friends, yk that's nice of him but like, he could've handled that a little different.. I also think this isn't going to be the only time Ray leaves Sand for Mew which is gonna lead to this whole "what-even-are-we-can-you-focus-on-me-for-once"-situation we saw in the trailer

I'm also really intrigued by the history between Top and Sand like how do they know each other?? why do they obviously not like each other?

now, Mew.. I've seen a few people say he's like the evil mastermind behind everything but, no I don't think so, I just think he's less innocent and naiv as he's painted to be like he's not stupid and I could see him playing all nice but if something really pisses him off he'll snap for sure

and last but not least.. the nations meow meow Nick!! now up until ep. 2 I thought he was simply the unfortunate guy that falls for the asshole and gets nothing but pain and suffering in return.. and while I do think that's what's gonna happen he could also very well be the reason that drives the whole friend group apart in the end because my guy is really getting all the tea, he's sleeping with Boston, he lives with Sand who's got something going on with Ray who again, is friends with Boston, he knows Top from Boston's photos and has now been introduced to the rest of the friend group.. Nick could be pulling so many strings if he wanted to but I guess we'll see how that develops