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cistematicchaos · 1 year

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Ngl, the next person who touches me because they know I don't like it and it overwhelms me is getting fucked up. Just finished scripting it, I'm so done with this behavior.

It's not funny to touch people who don't like it; it's not cute, you're not "acclimating" me to your touch [I am not your fucking dog.], you're just an asshole who is using the fact I'm crippled and can't get away fast enough and the fact I often can't talk when I get overwhelmed by people touching me at random to your advantage.

#actually autistic #chaos is speaking #ableism #I will definitely do this #unless the person who touches me overwhelms me too much #and i forget my fucking script #or just get so overwhelmed i can't talk #which happens sometimes #fhdsklafhdjka ughhhhh #i don't want to just BRING it up #that'd suck #bc then i'm even more of an asshole than i'm going to be anyway #gah #disability

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ruvviks · 9 months

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Mikhail and Vitali were inseparable; when they weren’t studying or getting into fights, they would hang out at Mikhail’s place to smoke and get drunk on cheap rum and vodka, to then pass out in each other’s arms and sleep most of the next day away. They promised each other— no matter what would happen— they would never leave each other’s side. Yet after starting university and college respectively, they did not see each other for a little over six years, leaving them both heartbroken and wondering what went wrong.

by lucas expedidor // catch me if you can; eden // clementine von radics, from 'courtney love prays to oregon' // sam sax, cruising: a broken tiara // 'ceramic home' by heavensghost; quote from john murillo // 'something's changed' by laiikastears // i don't want to watch the world end with someone else; clinton kane // fortesa latifi, from 'the truth about grief' // audre lorde, the evening news // frank o'hara, biotherm (for bill berkson) // heading home; ruben // 'preface to a dream' by alessandra casini // tokyo; caroline kole // langston hughes, poem // haruki murakami, norwegian wood // julie buntin, marlena // by lute // by aleksandr popov // anyway; noah kahan // christa wolf, cassandra: a novel and four essays

#cp2077 #edit:mikhail #edit:vitali #nuclearocs #nuclearedits #happy birthday to my two boys :^) yes they share the same birthday what about it. it's essential to their whole. thing #whatever it is. they're like soulmates but also they are NOT dating. i need you to understand that. because it makes everything funnier #you guys remember when i first introduced them here and people thought they were together. good times honestly #but yeah no vitali is officially dating vincent and mikhail is just their eternal third wheel. their relationship can't be defined #they also reunite of course but i LOVE emphasizing their grief. they didn't know they'd ever see each other again #and they've known each other since around age 12. imagine spending almost every day with someone who CHOSE you #and then suddenly not seeing them or talking to them for YEARS. what do you do with that grief. that pain #sure they've found each other back but what do you do with that. where do you put it. it makes me insane!!!#they both were so lonely in their own way. vitali getting lost in vices and crowds but ending up all by himself at the end of the day #and mikhail drowning himself in studying and pushing himself far over his limits just to distract himself from the hole in his chest #night city in my head is much more massive than what it feels like in game. like yeah it feels big but not. BIG big #and i think mikhail and vitali's story and them losing contact while only a district apart really emphasizes how like #how HUGE this city is not only in terms of actual land it covers but also just. how overwhelming it is. how it can swallow you whole #anyway if you've read all of this hi. wanna make out

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floydsteeth · 4 months

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LITERALLY WHERE ARE ANY OF MY FRIENDS:(((

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gurorori · 7 months

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if you say shit like 'autism is not a disability' i hope you actually have really bad things happen to you and you are banned from the autism community for the foreseeable future. get another fun weird club if you so badly need one

so profoundly tired of people trying to make autism into this whimsical quirkiness when it's for most people a serious and debilitating life altering disorder

#im not even that high on the needs spectrum at all. i definitely need a lot of support but it doesn't nearly compare to hsn autistics for ex #but our autism have never been masked and it's always been apparent in obvious ways that stunted our social and personal development #we can't mask at all it's not an option to us. we are disturbing in person. we talk weirdly. we are monotone with very rare exceptions.#we do not understand the overwhelming majority of very important social cues and we can't pretend or mask that #we've always been singled out and our impairment has ostracized us from peers our entire life #especially with the struggle of getting daily tasks done. we are JUST a little more independent with things than we were as a kid #i always talk about not feeling like an adult and being stuck in kid (teen at best!) like mindset and abilities and understanding of things #that is autism too. we are stunted and disabled developmentally in many ways as a result and we were never on par with others of our age #and we will never be.#i hate this sentiment so much and i hate the 'disabilities wouldn't exist if society was perfect at accomodating us all to a T'#like yeah surely our violent outbursts and shutdowns and intense stimming wouldn't exist? our need to regulate stimuli #our Inability to regulate emotion or response to overstimulation?#like holy shit if you're autism lite jsut say that. some of us are actually significantly impaired and very much DISABLED and require #support to function. and surprise surprise some autistics need help with every step in their daily life. are they not disabled? fucker

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creachiergh · 5 months

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anyways. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT.

#the amazing digital circus #tadc #tadc 2 #tadc spoilers #tadc 2 spoilers #i was NOT expecting it to get so self-aware!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what the hell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#waiting for all the pomni screenshots to come flooding in bc she was a Mood this whole episode #i love that they're leaning into her 'done-with-this-bs' attitude #letting her swear and things like that. i think it just adds to her reluctant hero vibe so much and i'm HERE FOR IT #y'all know i love my reluctant protags #OK BUT RAGATHA WITH THE FINGER GUNS WAS SO CUTE FOR NO REASON. SHE'S LIKE SLOWLY CLIMBING UP THERE ON MY LIST OF FAVES #her trying to push aside what happened to be there for pom 🥺🥺#ALSO I'M SO GLAD ZOOBLE IS OK BUT MAN I WISH THEY HAD MORE SCREENTIME #THEM BEING SOFT IN THAT ONE SCENE. GOD I HOPE THEIR CHARACTER IS EXPLORED FURTHER #i do wish they had cut down on the whole jax thing though simply because i know he's a fan fave and they wanna make the fans happy #it's just a little over the top and his presence is just kinda overwhelming. idk i still love him but i think it'll take time before i can #really see him as a more fleshed-out character #we are Not going to be talking about gummigoo because that was CRUEL.#GOD. I KNOW CAINE CAN'T HELP IT BC HE'S AN AI AND DOESN'T UNDERSTAND POMNI'S NEED FOR CONNECTION BUT DAMN. LIKE SERIOUSLY.#OK THAT'S ALL I HAVE TO SAY. FOR NOW. BUT I WILL NOT BE SHUTTING UP ABOUT THIS

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icewindandboringhorror · 5 months

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sometimes looking at like Self Help Strategies lists for the symptoms I'm having is always just like:

thing that I already do

thing I have tried 10 times

thing I already do

thing that I don't have the money to do

thing I already do

thing I've been doing since I was 10yrs old to no avail

thing that is impossible given my situation

thing that doesn't apply to me

thing that I already do

thing I have already tried

hrmm, oh wait, maybe finally- OH, yeah.. okay. thing that I already do but it was just phrased slightly differently

thing I have already done

#I think maybe productivity tips help less if the reason you're unproductive is partially like.. physcial health and other extenral things #out of your control. rather than just like having trouble paying attention or spending too much time on tiktok or whatever #all the strategic to do lists in the world are not going to somehow prevent me from waking up with a debilitating migraine or whatever #or having external stressors or lacking resources and connections or other Productivity Essentials etc.#especially many tips involve stuff like 'cut off from social media' since thats the modern day time waster for so many poeple #and it's like.. lol.. i can hardly even maintain a blog even thuogh i actively WANT TO DO SO. 'shut off your smart phone!' already #done babey i fucking hate smart phones i shall never use an app unless i am forced to. 'delete tiktok' yep. already covered. tiktok and #all of those thinsg are my enemies. 'save money by cancelling some of your services' cool. already ahead of you.#who the fuck is out here paying for like 10 different subscription services. pirated videos uploaded to google drive and youtube to mp3 #my beloved. etc. etc. and so on. 'socialize less' .........LOL.. if only you knew.. mr.writer of the article. i can barely muster #talking to friends more than once a month and even less if I'm actively sick (often occurence) etc. etc. ... hewoo #I think maybe instead of generic productivity tips I need more like.. how to refocus and be productive anyway even if you have a headache #or are nauseous or etc. Not that those are always things to ignore. and of course you should let your body rest and etc. But plenty of peop #e have mild physical symptoms and just work through them. Ithink something about the way my body/mind is SOO hyper attuned to all #sensory information just makes it like... constantly 'GRR well I cant focus on WRITING right now because my lef #t ear feels weird and my socks are too itchy and my back has a strange pressure and I'm vaguely warm and my eye feels some ssort of #way it doesnt normally feel and I'm hyperaware of my breathing and also nauseous for no reason' and like half of those things I #think '''normal''' people wouldnt even notice or at least would be able to just live through. but for me it's like.. nealry impossible to i #gnore and soooo distracting always. like 'wahh.. nooo we can't draw or get anything done.. my legs feel slightly heavy or something!!'#like............. ok......... who cares. thats not even a PAIN sensation it's just something weird. but it's just like.. NO. constant #mental alerts about the 'heaviness' of your legs be upon ye. Though Imean like.. yes.. 70% of the time I am in genuine pain #or having some sort of actual ailment with trackable physical symptoms. but sometimes it's just like... we could totally be working right #now and ignoring this silly thing but my brain is fixated on it for no reason uncontrollably. etc. etc. I guess it's the same way that like #most people can go to a grocery store without the whole experience being so overwhelming and so much stuff going on at once #that they have to rest afterwards but like.. in my own HOME doing NOTHING i feel like I should be able to not get overwhelmed lol. ANYWAY #Rolling my bastard little rock up a dumbass hill and so on and so forth

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suitmana · 6 months

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father hans you are the best worst old man to me (yes more than old jochen). i love how the game tries to give him some depth without shying away from his actions

heavy discussion of the apostasy route ahead

so, yeah, he's very zealous in his religious beliefs.

but despite (or maybe because of) his strong convictions, he cares a lot for kieferberg, even if only out of moral obligation:

i mean, he has the decency to feel a little guilty about the supernatural terrors he puts the town through:

that very religious zeal, unfortunately, also makes him willing to have any of kieferberg's residents burnt at the stake for the sake of the town's "salvation". ironic, then, that in the same letter that he condemns walpurga's followers he starts with this:

his well-meaning, yet extremist religiosity is also apparent in his relationship with elise. even with the clear animosity on both sides, he was genuinely concerned for elise's soul after learning about how holle had her in the first place:

...as that concern later turns into condemnation:

yet he doesn't even word it as something he looks forward to either. just something unfortunate that needs to be done.

the way he tries to keep the peace throughout the game and is actually one of the more vocally skeptical among the townsfolk (even if part of that is to diffuse suspicion towards his own experiments) is also interesting considering how his religious beliefs enable him to do genuinely terrible things. like he believes that his god has no problems with him burning people alive but also he wants to be absolutely sure that there's an actual witch to burn in the first place. he is simultaneously the personification of everything wrong with kieferberg and one of the few (aside from gustav, leb, and freya) who are barely keeping the village together

#little goody two shoes #lgts #father hans' study #tangential but while father hans is the worst manifestation of the dangers of religious extremism #kieferberg as a whole is just tragic #even when you understand why elise wants to get out so badly #talking to the townsfolk also reveals that they're just people doing their best #given that kieferberg's a small and somewhat remote village #i also get why they would rely on superstition and their religious leader to explain or rationalize what's happening to them #when you feel so small compared to the overwhelming horror of nature that could consume you at any moment #why wouldn't you grasp for any semblance of an explanation #especially from someone like father hans #stern yes but he at least gives off an air of authority #idk i guess that's just the appeal of kieferberg's small town horror?#i love how this game takes place from elise's perspective but i can't help but sympathize with the villagers anyway #i won't overlook how harmful their mindsets are but they're not just one-dimensional bigoted set-pieces either #planning to talk more about that eventually

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the-acid-pear · 1 year

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Yesterday I was replaying Deltarune and I was going really insane about it picking up on things I missed on my first playthrough and something that fucked me up hard was this line here

The little ellipsis at the end, almost like you can hear the regret on their voice. Voice of an ad who is realizing maybe they fucked up on this one. But it also made me think of... The possibility of this being a reaction to Spamton's actions.

Because I don't think this was an automatic thing, I feel like their drifting off was gradual. Sure, their jealousy had won them over (I'd have killed the guy or myself if I was them so I don't even blame them) but Spamton was too getting busier and busier the more famous he got, and as they say, that never stopped. He only kept getting bigger, until it all came crashing down. And when it did it was one of them who tried to go find him, after all that.

But I digress, let's focus on the original quote from my favorite sigma enby themselves, Pink Addison. There's obviously not only the regret to it, but feeling like they were abandoned too. Both parties lost a lot and the real tragedy is just how easily it could've have been avoided! Or rather, how beyond their control it was...

But I'll get off topic if I keep speaking so I'll leave it at that. The sheer tragedy that there is to everyone involved just makes me insane. Like I said in a post previous to this; you cannot trace down a good guy or a bad guy in this tale, it's just desperate people taking awful decisions and living to regret their actions.

#luly talks #makes you wonder too like #THIS IS GOING ON THE TAGS BC IM JUMPING THE GUN TOO HARD #but after Pink says rhat they follw by saying ''even so he only got more and more successful'' and its making me FEEL something alright #that EVEN SO. like. were they expecting for him to... stop? to slow down? to give up his overwhelming fame to get them back?#there's so many things i just can't say because we know very little of the addisons and big shot era spamton #we dont even know if they were aware this is how he ended. we dont even know if Spamton tried to go back to them or if he totally refused to #it makes me sick it makes me insane i want to grab these colorful things and squish then on my palm #there's a lot of What Ifs but i think the answer wouldn't even matter because nothing could change anymore #its sososososososoooooo sad #like i see fandom woobify Spamton a lot and i HATE that sure he went thru a lot but he's a grown ass desperate man #he's not a poor uwu cinnamon roll he's insane and he's an asshole and he's a nuanced tragic character #and so are these motherfuckers!!!!!!#btw i originally had a paragraph about how mad I'd have been if i was an Addison but i ended up rewriting the whole post LMAO #anyway. yeah. it just makes me insane.#deltarune #Spamton #addisons

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dootznbootz · 8 months

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@thehelplessmortals shared this with me and...Penelope coded.

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She definitely tried to gross out Odysseus in a dumb "You think you can handle me, idiot? >:) " way. (She's stubborn and in denial at first. When she realizes she actually likes him, she's a mess.) And while eating raw fish is normal for naiad-born in Sparta, when she learned Odysseus wasn't used to naiads in daily life, she just really went wild with it.

He's just staring at her kind of expressionless and she thinks "Ha, see? You don't really like me."

But he's just like

"You like carp? Cuz if you do, we got plenty on Ithaca! Many more fish too! And if we don't, I'll get you some!"

And she's annoyed because her plan didn't work. Girlie is self-sabotaging even though she thinks he's neat.

#this is normal for naiads but she also doesn't have impulse control. She'll jump in mid-convo.#...part of the joke is that basically no one eats carp because they're fucking disgusting :D same with catfish...at least where I live #Helen: “uh...I could just shock the water and then you could get them.”#Penelope: “Where's the sport in that?! >:( ”#It's not like a “playing hard to get” she just genuinely doesn't believe he could possibly like her and being a shit about it.#“Helen's supposed to get the happy ending. not me” (which Helen even is like “you're an idiot”) she eventually gets #her act together :D she's overwhelmed right now. especially since he's just head over heels and just... a LOT as he doesn't know #what to do with these feelings either and she gets mad at him for constantly talking about marriage “The more you say it. the less I wanna"#especially with his reputation to bully and fuck with people. and the fact that he lied to her so much when they first met. she doesn't #trust him. He's overwhelming her and then she's finally like. “if you're so interested. we're doing things at my pace.” then things get chi #they're both so used to putting up their guard that they can't genuinely believe this could be something wonderful #she actually is kind of afraid of the fact that “...Do you just have a thing for Naiads?? since you're not used to them?” are you weird?#but he interacts fine with other naiads. and isn't affected by Helen.#shot by odysseus #Mad rambles #my headcanons #odypen #btw. she chew through bone technically :D fish bone but bone #kind of want to make a “moodboard for the Water Wife”#penelope #Water Wife

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agendratum · 2 months

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.

#me quietly to myself: am i finally ready... to follow the skz people blogs I've been living at for at least a year now anyway?..#I'm with my usual bullshit pay me no mind #people who already know know ajhsjd #this thing where i can't follow new people because the dash seems overwhelming as it is #(and by new people i mean people whose blogs I've been visiting daily for a year yes)#and recently yes im feeling like my dash is actually a bit overwhelming #i sometimes can't even catch up with it after i wake up (a thing that is normal to want and possible to archive)#but also im literally like at the skz people's territory all day every day #spending more time over there than on my dash #like maybe it's time #besides today with the livestream and everything #i was sitting there so cozy thinking like ah we're watching this together it's so nice #the only thing that would make the experience better is me actually FOLLOWING PEOPLE #anyway I'll sleep on it and like again pay me no mind this is the brain issues i just seem to have #still such a funny problem to have #as far as I'm concerned most people on tumblr follow so many more blogs #and i get overwhelmed with just a few #you'd think I'm not having fun on here but thats not true #but i am in fact always have more fun on here when i manage to psspspsp someone with the same interest #i love tags reblogs replies i love these interactions #and the funny little follow button makes all this so muuuuch easier #alas the brain bugs that are eating my brain are never asleep #but still I'm gonna go sleep and im gonna just be chill about all this #thanks for coming to the least making sense ted talk #chattering

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blujayonthewing · 2 months

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in other news, aubree does not know it yet but she is now a level one paladin and I have all of the feelings about it

#I literally can't verbally talk about it too much I get choked up #what if your desire to offer kindness and peace and justice and mercy to anyone you can was so powerful it manifested as divine magic!!#what then!!!#what if you resolved so strongly to become a better person just to be worthy of the responsibility to do right by others!#what if you felt-- for the first time-- the real weight of the responsibility of doing real and meaningful good in a complicated world #and took up that weight in bith hands without question! without hesitation! with no fear except that you might not be worthy of it!!#what then!!!!#😭#when I BUILT her I knew she was lowkey paladin flavored but #as the plot unfolded she became unexpectedly aligned with a god that didn't make sense to Be A Paladin Of per se #and then the cavalier subclass was released and gave her a lot of the protective flavor I wanted and I was satisfied #but this story has put her through so many transformative experiences that have expanded her worldview and recontextualized her own values #that now she's a warrior of light SOLELY on the strength of her own convictions! because she believes SO STRONGLY in doing the right thing #at any cost-- because doing meaningful good is so much more complicated than she ever realized but it's NEVER been more important #shit-kicker asshole bar brawling fighter blazes with holy light out of her own overwhelming desire to reach out her hands to heal #I fucking cry. I cryyyy I love her so MUCH #my OCs #aubree

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suffercerebral · 4 months

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me having gone to bed at 6 am every day for the past week and generally spiraling mentally while rotting in bed waking up this morning: a 4 mile hike in the heat is a really good idea right now, and while we're at it let's start like 3 art projects

#maybe my mom was onto something all these years telling me i'm bipolar #no i don't think i am but i do technically have a bpd diagnosis so like. mood swings up the fucking wazoo are not new #but i am not one to be like 'exercise will fix me'#i've also just come to terms recently with the fact that i didn't kill myself already so might as well start thinking of the long term #so not being in constant pain when im older is something im actually thinking of now #so like. gotta move more which i was doing during this semester! walking like 3 miles a day which didn't help brain but #it's gotta be good for you anyway even if i don't get the endorphins everyone says you get when working out #that's neverrrr been me bc also chronic illness w exercise intolerance #so it's like. wah i have a desire to move my body more and know it's beneficial #but chronic illness + mental illness + trying not to think about exercise in terms of weight loss bc i'm trying not to make that the goal #although certainly wouldn't be mad if that was the result but if i prioritize it over just overall health it's gonna make me obsessive #i'm saying a lot of words. i have no one to really talk to so i once again come to tumblr as a public diary #ANYWAY. trying to find balance with wanting to exercise for overall well-being but dealing with other factors like chronic illness #which has actually been under the most control it's been in years i barely even consider myself (physicslly) disabled these days #and also balancing the fact that while my disordered eating has never recovered and i still have extremely bad relationship with myself #im in a relatively better place with that. i'm not starving myself and im not going through binge/purge cycles #but my relationship with food and eating is still very much unhealthy #and i don't think that will ever really change bc it's so ingrained in the everything about me #i don't really know what i'm talking ahout anymore or what prompted this #i can't simply just say 'i'm gonna go for a hike today' and be normal about. always gotta psycho analyze myself #im in a very weird stage in my life where i feel like i have control over nothing and i barely even exist in my own body #im just like a cacophony of voices trapped inside a meat suit but im not in the drivers seat im stuffed in the trunk and tied up #and the guy driving is an old blind mind who should have lost his license his ass is NOT road safe!#so it's like i have all these ideas and desires and feelings and ahh!! but hey i'm locked up here let me out please #and also the state of the world. so bleak and hopeless and paralyzing that i've just kind of shut my feelings off so i'm rapidly switching #between numbness and overwhelming agony #what the fuck am i talking about

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taegularities · 1 year

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hi hi. uhm small thing regarding cmi. if you're a reader, do lmk what you think please 🤍

#so i got an ask regarding cmi that discouraged the hell out of me #they weren't talking badly about it but kind of comparing me to another author on here and asked me #to postpone my update so they're not overwhelmed with all the reading they'd have to do #i usually don't compare myself with my friends or other writers on here and don't care about posting dates #but that discouraged me more than it should've and i can't get much writing done rn lol #just wanna ask.. if i absolutely had to and didn't finish.. would you guys be okay if i posted cmi8 next weekend instead of this week?#and if i do finish... will y'all be around this saturday?#i'm extremely down for some reason lol but i've been outlining planning changing writing etc this chapter for months now and...#want to make sure you guys are around to read and interact #the community labels are already very bleh so it'd be bleh too if cmi8 didn't get any interaction yk?#in any case.. yeah lmk #and please don't ever compare authors to each other guys :') it no feel good #or ask someone to postpone cos of another writer..#fic: colour me in

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toomanywordsnllines · 2 years

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You know I once went to a family gathering (mostly consisting of cousins aunt's and uncles all blood related to my mother's side only) and there were like... around a 100 people there (no I am not kidding.)

So projecting as I like to do.

That's Soap with his family, like when he says he has a big fam HE MEANS BIG.

He’s talking about a 100+ amount of people just on his mother’s side.

The first time he takes Ghost to one of these gatherings Soap’s like 'oh so that's aunt Hannah and her seven kids-'

Ghost is nodding along... Baffled to say the least, also extremely confused on how there can be so many people in just on family