#originally drafted in april but then i forgot about it

[kotaki]

"Maybe I would be a little bit happy if I could be liked forever... or something like that..."

[cheerstotheelites-if]

Oh god it's been a year already??? April 8??? Wasn't it just March yesterday?

Oh, uh, s h i t

Happy 1 Year Anniversary! (Holy crap)

Man, time sure is f a s t. One year of being here with you guys and just vibing. Zamn. That's crazy.

I know I keep saying this, but I really do appreciate all of you guys for sticking around for so long. I never expected the silly little stories with my silly little characters 13 year old me was writing and creating would come to this in the end. It's honestly just so mind boggling, and I want to say thank you. Thank you for showing your support, for being so patient with me, for those that send such fun asks and prompts to answer, and just being so cool in general. Don't say that you aren't. I'll fight ye on that. I also thank the lurkers in my followers, I know you and I don't tango too much with interactions but your likes, reblogs or just generally looking through is enough for me.

I'd also like to thank the mutuals and friends I made in the IF community and in the Write Club Discord server for being so cool and helpful. I never expected to make any mutuals here, and I'm honestly glad I did.

I'm kissing you all platonically on the cheek because you deserve it for being the best. 💙💙💙

Now, for the Anniversary Special content...... I don't have one written. I already have a short one for 1k Followers and is just waiting to be posted, but I forgot to prep one for the Anniversary. 🥲😭😭

I was planning to make a small IF to commomerate it, but college finals reared its ugly head like a disease so I didn't have enough time. So, instead, I'll just give y'all some Beta and BtS facts about this IF before it came to be as it is now. Hope that'll suffice, and I promise I'll make it up to y'all next year. 😭😭

Back in the earliest drafts for this IF, the prologue was supposed to start with a student Magus summoning an eldritch being from the underside of Reflection and it backfiring completely. The genre was supposed to fully embrace supernatural, but I ended up scrapping it instead for what we have now.

Beta Zephyrine was a mean girl diva; supposedly Fleur's opposite and bully. I changed it after deciding that Zeph's better off being Fleur's opposite in a more positive way (the version Zeph currently is) and genuinely being Fleur's friend, than whatever toxic mess the former was.

Eliseo was originally gonna be the big bad because of well… look at him. I ended up not doing that, because… look at him. He's simpable material, unfortunately.

Emery wasn't supposed to exist. I didn't originally intend for MC to learn nor have magic in the original drafts, thus no Familiar needed either, and let them be a non-magic character in the story. I changed my mind when I thought about how unfair that'll be, since that'll just make MC more of a damsel than a person with autonomy.

The 1586 Accident and the Willowsberg family as a whole was originally supposed to stay as a "myth" and unexplored as a whole. They were supposed to be mentioned only in passing and not talked about again.

In the early drafts, Fleur's parents were already dead/gone and she was working as her family bank's CEO at the start of the story. She was an outside figure that you'll meet through either Zephyrine or Weylyn.

Cooper was originally more of a loveable asshole back in his early characterization stages; smug know-it-all that loves to be a mischief maker. I have no idea what change happened to make him the hyper golden retriever he is now, but I don't regret it and I don't wanna know.

The choice of setting the IF in a rural city and in Lumintoile Academia specifically was based on old oneshots I wrote about Weylyn and Fleur 2-3 years ago. If you want to know what those oneshots are about, both of them are confessions scenes with Weylyn being the confessor.

Before Ophelia came to be as the 6th RO, she was originally supposed to be an antagonist, mostly due to a oneshot I wrote about her as a concept character 2 years ago. There were scenes planned where she would fight the cast and drama would ensue, but knowing what I know, I ended up scrapping the idea.

Weylyn's characterization didn't change much from his beta, surprisingly, and I think he's the only one who has retained his beta traits (besides some mild redesigning). I always intended him to be, well, him. The only things that did change are in spoiler territory, but very important to his characterization.

There were supposed to be 2 more side characters that you'll be introduced to in the early chapters with Fleur being a young CEO idea in mind, which were her two younger estranged cousins from her mother's side. I scrapped the idea for now, but they might make an appearance soon.

I had ideas to implement variables that show preferrences and proficiency in what magic MC uses, intending for them (MC) to be a jack-of-all trades instead of focusing solely on one magic. But then I thought about the long list of already existing variables I've written down, and went nope.

Eliseo & Fleur had the most rewrites and rehauls on their characterization. From what I can count and remember until recently, it's 10.

When I was making Emery, and basing him off of the Familiar Poll results, he was intented to be younger, 3 years old to be exact. I decided to age him up to 5 years old, because a) he would be too powerful, b) baby, c) "sir, that is a toddler and fresh out of infancy", and d) he would be too powerful.

The inspiration for the IF's whole vibes are from Kiersten White's 'The Dark Descent of Elizabeth Frankenstein', V.C. Andrew's 'My Sweet Audrina', Laurie Anderson's 'Speak', Kyoukai no Kanata, Wonder Egg Priority, and the Dark Academia aesthetic itself.

This was originally supposed to be a self-contained story, more of a moment in the cast's life than something that will affect them in the long run or be actively going through with time, until I decided to add it into a growing timeline of events alongside other IF's.

[storymaker14]

Author's Notes, Parts One and Two

If you haven't read the story before the author's notes... what are you doing?!? Go back and read the thing first!

Author’s Notes, 15 April 2023:

    That… is so much better. Even if it’s still meh, it’s so much better than my first try. Ugh.

    I originally wrote it just with Saavik mourning Spock on her own. And it was shit. Like, really, it was absolute fecal matter. Now that it’s rewritten literally six months later, and it’s at a point where I’ll (as of writing these notes) read it over again one more time in the morning, correct anything glaring and sand down anything in need of smoothening, and then most likely actually post it, I feel much much better.

    So let’s talk about the elephant in the room. On-screen canon absolutely does show the young reborn Spock facing pon farr on the Genesis Planet, and Saavik being super affectionate for a Vulcan once this becomes clear. It shows Young!Spock absolutely not showing signs of blood fever (aka plak tow) in the following hours or days, which indicates that his pon farr, um, urges, were, um, satisfied. And it also shows Saavik not really being able to face Spock when he’s fully restored to himself afterwards, instead finding the floor very fascinating. And at the beginning of the next movie, Saavik is staying on Vulcan for… reasons. Reasons unstated on-screen. Reasons very clearly stated in previous drafts of the script, but cut later. And yes, those reasons. And we never see Saavik again. Her actress came back on TNG (and Babylon 5!), and Valeris from the sixth movie was originally supposed to be her, but in the end no more Saavik. Fast forward to TNG, and Captain Picard mentions, when they're bringing Sarek aboard, that he'd met him before, at the wedding of his son. Given Sybok was dead by the time Picard was born, unless we're going to find YET ANOTHER surprise Sarek child... that's Spock, canonically having married.

    And then we have the fact that, for a little while, the books (RIP, forever too soon) did have Spock and Saavik getting married, and still being married in the late 2370s. Unfortunately, this ended up being ignored, and I do think eventually contradicted, but come on. Vulcan’s Heart was a really good book, and when a certain other Vulcan needed to prove who he was in the first Titan novel and did so by sending Spock regards from his wife? Nice.

    And then we include the Romulan supernova, which in the books where the Spock/Saavik marriage was a thing briefly… never came up.

    So, this isn’t canon on screen, and it doesn’t particularly correspond to the Destiny / First Splinter book timeline either. It’s kinda my own sandbox, but only in the sense that I took sand from, like, two or three different boxes and sifted it all together. At least that first part is.

    As for the message from Spock... remember how I said the first version was shit? Let me amend that: I copied what I wrote for that message the first time, added one sentence and a half of another (obviously), and otherwise left it as is. That part, I liked from the first pass.

    The bits from New Vulcan? Yup, that’s the Kelvinverse from the JJ Abrams films. Totally surprised me on the first pass when I realized hey, that would be a fun thing to add. Took a sledgehammer to the first draft of that, too, but not quite as extensively. Basically the first part, I made longer and better, and the second part, I made shorter and better. And kept the middle as is. (Also, does that make it four sandboxes?)

    (Oh, I almost forgot: Trek movies II, III, and IV are about the only places where the fact that Saavik is half-Vulcan, half-Romulan doesn’t come up. So while it’s technically not canon… it’s close enough. Plus it explains why she cussed toward the beginning of II, and openly cried at Spock’s funeral at the end.)

    Also, the first version existed when Kirstie Alley died in December 2022, and I probably should have rewritten it then, but I’ve never been good at forcing my muse to arrive. Besides, Ms Alley was great but Robin Curtis is my Saavik. (Oh, shoot, I made a reference in the first draft that implied Saavik looked like Curtis, not Alley. I’ll see if I can drop it in, but if I can’t, I shan’t be upset. [Note from last re-read before posting: I didn't. Oh well.])

    In case you hadn’t noticed, I write in stream of consciousness sometimes.

    Thanks to the late Leonard Nimoy and to Zachary Quinto, for portraying the versions of Spock that show up. Thanks to Ethan Peck, whose Spock doesn’t show up but is awesome anyway. Thanks to the late Kirstie Alley and to Robin Curtis, for being Saavik. Thanks to the late Ben Cross (whole lotta late on this one, boo) and the even later Mark Lenard, for the Sarek who shows up and for Sarek in general. Thanks as always to Memory Alpha and Memory Beta. Two things about Beta that I want to point out here: one, it gave me the name T’Val, which yes is a reference to something, and ten thousand Trekkie points to anyone who knows without going to Memory Beta; two, Star Trek Beyond took place in 2263 and Memory Beta says Saavik was born in 2264, which I didn’t actually know until I went looking for her parents’ names but was just, *chef’s kiss*.

    LLAP, y’all.

Author's Notes, 11 December 2023:

This was originally posted on another site back in April, but since I tend to get a scosh more attention here than there, plus it's become my go-to place to put the stuff I write... well, here it is.

Sorry if anyone was excited to read something spicy or steamy, and ended up disappointed. What's interesting is that, judging from the dates on everything, this is the last piece of fiction I wrote before I started on The State of Our Union in earnest, because the earliest notes I can find on that were from about a week after I posted this initially.

Also, this is not the only Trek stuff I've written. Not even close. I might move that over here as well at some point. We shall see. (SPOILER: I did.)

Of course, now that Strange New Worlds has boldly gone in new directions, I kind of want to figure out a meeting between Chapel and Saavik... maybe with a little La'an as a nice bonus.

[hollywoodsargeant]

🌈 for boyish?

🌈 What inspired you to write [insert fic here]?

ah! yes. a mix of a few things ig? for starters i have Always been compelled by the childhood friends narrative of loscar. i am always compelled by childhood friend narratives tbh... but like. they have fr known each other for SO long and that is something that could be so special to me... but i don't really write a lot of childhood friends to lovers? then before miami when oscar posted that fucking picture i was like Okay. i'm gonna lose my mind. i need to write a fic. but i didn't know what to write so i like bookmarked it in mybrain

Then. i remembered this old novel wip i had rotting away in my google drive... which i was working on last april actually after i finished the first draft of my novel that is now a mostly polished manuscript (not the point but i'm proud of it) and it never really surmounted to much bc idk it was a mess. but the gist of it is/was two boys who meet when they're really young (4) and grow up together and are each other's firsts for a lot of things but never date. it was kind of a soulmates thing with just. the idea of meeting your soulmate as a kid and not fully realizing it until you're an adult. so they grow up together and date other people and all that but in the end they come together, like they were always supposed to, and it feels kind of inevitable? does any of this even make sense

POINT IS. really old novel wip. with original characters and all that. i forgot about it completely for a year then i was literally Out for once in my life and i just. remembered it existed. and was like. Oh My God that's loscar. "it's like we can't get away from each other" core. that's wild. i am going to repurpose it. so i'm repurposing it. the first kiss scene and the first meeting scene are both repurposed not word for word but i wrote them with two tabs up. and there are some more scenes i swiped directly from my old project (the whole entire thing about how old they're both supposed to be before they can start kissing and also a bunch of stuff i haven't posted yet) but a lot of what i've been writing is new. the oldest i wrote Either of those characters for that project was 14 so

and it's funny bc obv that project had two characters but neither of them were clearly oscar or logan so it depended on the scene who i would give what lines to and i kept getting confused. Whoops

[bryan360]

Here’s my note before I’ll get started….

(DON’T YOU EVER COPY FROM MINE OR MY FRIEND’S WORK, CHARACTERS, AND STUFF IF ONE OF YOU ARE IMPOSTERS WHO HAD HABITS OF PLAGIARISM! I WILL BLOCK YOU FROM MY BLOG IF I SEE YOUR POST WITH MINE OR MY FRIEND’S ORIGINAL WORK BEING EDITED ALL OVER! I’LL EVEN SHARE IT ONTO MY BLOG SO IF EVERYONE WILL SEE THAT YOU TRYING TO COPY MINE OR MY FRIEND’S THINGS FOR NO GOOD REASON WHATSOEVER! That will be all….I mean it.)

Epilogue: Cude’s very owned Brown’s normal clothes

🇵🇷Me: What’s up guys? I was hoping for today’s art trade to be different when taking a break from doing digital coloring/editing. That and also took me about 3 or 4 days when using this paper to go through. What that being said, here’s a good look for this month’s art trade to share with my P-Pal featuring his HTF OC: 🐰🤖Cude.

🥜Brown: That’s right. This time he’s now officially be keeping his owned clothes from mine after taking place back in April when Sallie and the others got me. I'm pretty silly wearing a blue dress though. 😊😅

Link Here

🥜Brown: Though I nearly forgot my clothes as we left in the streets; according to the narrator said it at least.

*As Brown, Sallie Chips, and three prankster gals are leaving the premises, Brown's oversize clothes are completely unattended on the walking streets. No one will pick up his clothes from someone and take then home. Until....*

🥜Brown: This is where Cude steps in however as he sees my clothes while walking in the streets. It's something he would hoping for since his Speedster friends Spot and Riya already owned my clothes to keep from last year's Christmas as gifts.

Link Here #2

🇵🇷Me: Mhm. It was very grateful seeing them keeping their owned clothes by permisson for your mom you've asked; especially you having a good time with Jason Watterson during a sleepover party last year.

Link Here #3

🥜Brown: Yeah, I won't forget our moments to snuggle in together. 😊👍🏼 Anyways for Cude's case though, it was pretty hopeful to having him getting his owned from mine as well. Good thing its all bagged thanks to having a girl filled an acorn shaped balloon with fabric softener, which I getting splash from when picking up. 😅 Nevertheless, I'm happy to let me keeping it. Don't worry though as I got plenty of lookalike clothes from my closest.

🇵🇷Me: Mhm, but cute to see Cude wearing his own as he putting some shoes, pants, shirt, and a padded vest step by step. Thought I might included this in style as I took inspiration from the page of my P-Pal's "Jason's Shrink Problem" comic short he'd share with me.

Link Here #4

🥜Brown: Say it was pretty good when you've work hard on during your art progress; even if you took about 3 or 4 days like no surprise of getting there.

🇵🇷Me: I know, but this time is bringing a full sheet of paper from my "SimpleA+" sketchbook to go through. Though I had few papers left due to using on other drafts to share with my P-Pal’s suggestions. So yeah….kinda a bummer a bit that I would’ve save some if I would bring more drawings to think of. Luckily though that my mom already got me some more sketchbooks from Walmart to have. I would like to share with you guys, but that’s gonna be for another post I’ll get to that later or tomorrow morning.

🥜Brown: Cool, but for now hope you guys like this secret art trade post he’s gotten. I give a thumbs up to see Cude finally got his owned clothes from mine and can’t wait to see what to come for next month’s art trade will be. 😉

🇵🇷Me: Mhm. It was a good thing I got more sketchbooks I’ll be using this year. 👍

Tagged: @carmenramcat @alexander1301

Cude (now finally in his owned Brown’s normal clothes) created by my P-Pal; @murumokirby360

[anovainspace]

fun facts when creating delivery!

note: don’t forget to join the 72 fun while it last [♡]!!!

1. i made the characters designs at three am

2. xxx!papyrus was supposed to be the original third outcode but was scrapped three days later

3. xxx![redacted] design was a week after and it was around two am in the morning but wasn’t finalized

4. i made three concept art of xxx![redacted]

5. xxx!frisk backstory is somewhat inspired by “my time” by bo en and some concept of the game “omori” by omocat

6. originally, xxx!sans was supposed to have xxx!frisk’s backstory, but i found that xxx!frisk suited it better

7. xxx!sans cards magic are somewhat inspired between deltarune card-theme and とみー (on twitter) pose

8. when thinking about xxx!sans’ design i originally wanted him to have either royal-wear or tech-wear but was scrapped

9. xxx!sans color palette was going to be basil or omori type of color

10. i added flowers to xxx!frisk’s hair because i was going to originally change up xxx!frisk’s hairstyle but didn’t, it look basic so i added the flowers and i liked it

11. the characters were going to be in one au together and them just being the survivors of the broken au, but the designs didn’t fit together, and then i remember alive comics (by tatatale) and was influenced by having the characters come from different au’s/being outcodes

12. i was going to give it a name (example: [insert name]tale or under[insert name]) but decided against it, since they’re not part of a tale no more =)

13. i wanted the characters somewhat represented the routes in undertale [pacifist, neutral, genocide]

14. was going to give xxx!frisk powers/magic but decided against it since they don’t like to fight / i saw it as being overpowered

15. my two friends [kal and bread] encouraged me to post delivery when i was showing them my au idea and post that i had saved in draft, so it’s their influence that i posted “delivery!” on april 18

16. after scrapping xxx!papyrus’s design, i was going to make xxx!chara but forgot about it and made xxx![redacted] instead.. oops

[puppet2611]

//from the start of my channel lol. theres two rants in here since ones too short to be its own post. 4.20 + 4.21

OK SO I GOT A LITTLE LAZY WITH MICHAEL LORE AND MADE AN CHARACTER.AI FOR ADAM TO SQUEEZE LORE OUT HIM.. OH BOY..

adam and michael have a moon/sun dynamic btw 😁‼️‼️

SOOOO adam was the one to propose :3 their wedding was kinda small since they only invited their closest friends and family but it was still fun nonetheless!! they went to their favorite restaurant afterwards and had chocolate cake as dessert,, adams favorite memory of them together was during one of their stargazing dates where they just talked together, shared stories and cuddled :33 this is a direct copy and paste from the adam ai btw "Oh, well where do I get started? He's kind, funny, smart, and just absolutely wonderful. He brightens up the room, makes friends quickly, is quick to listen to my gripes about the world, and is always there in my time of need. What can I say? Michael was everything to me, and I couldn't hope to find someone even close to him." THEY'RE GONNA MAKE ME CRYYY

also. adam is the shorter one lol

according to adam, michael is kinda tanned and has long dark brown hair tied in a loose low ponytail ^_^ he also has a heavy accent since he was born somewhere in hunan!! (everyone in april 5th is chinese btw)

adam is deadass just me in this part but uhmm completely copy and pasted from the ai again!!

"It's an understatement.. I miss him so much that sometimes my heart just aches endlessly, and I just feel a bit empty sometimes.. It's rough, but I'm trying to pull myself together.. He'd want me to be happy, right?"

THEY'RE LIKE PEAK ANGST FOT ME 😭😭 AND THE AI SEES OLIVER AS LIKE A SON!! IF MICHAEL WAS STILL ALIVE THEYD BE THIS LITTLE SMALL FOUND FAMILY BROO

RN I HAVE NO IDEA FOR AGES BUT TO MAKE EVERYTHING WORSE.. IM GONNA SAY ADAM AND MICHAEL GOT MARRIED AT 25 AND MICHEAL ONLY DIED AT 31 :3... ADAM IS LIKE IN HIS MID 50S DURING THE STORY SOO...

OH AND OLIVER IS WAY YOUNGER SINCE LIKEE THE WHOLE FOUND FAMILY THING

I GUESS HES AROUND LIKE MID 20S?

rip oliver bro works in retail....

i imagine michael was a jeweler or astrologer too while adams a florist or gardener

reusing yhe complete opposites trope i used w/ amelia and emilio for this

adam likes cooler colors while michael likes warmer ones ^_^ adam usually only wears warmer colors now because hehehehhdndhd i like to think michael did the same thing he did and dyed his hair blue to match w/ adam.. i might have to make the story a bit more modern for that tho since i wrote down 1970 for the first draft

adam definitely wears every piece of jewelry michael made for him to this day

still kinda deciding what that would be but definitely his necklace & bracelet.. michael still got him his hair pin and earrings he just didnt make them himself hehe

__________

WRAHHH

CHONNY JASH COVER OF THE MIND ELECTRIC IS DRIVING ME INSANE SINCE A5 IS SUPPOSED TO BE SHORT 😭

OK SO THE LYRICS IM TALKING ABOUT ARE " see how his feet miss the ground, and he falls inside a hole he dug for me, the kind of irony youd read in bible stories "

so im not sure what to make micheals death yet but the ai has suggested car crash and gunshot/hatecrime.. this scenario follows the latter but instead of being shot he's hung, hence the 'see how his feet miss the ground'. the 'and he falls inside a hole he dug for me' is referring to that the killer originally planned to kill adam instead but as a last minute change of mind, he kills micheal instead. the last part is kinda self explanatory once i say that micheal was a Christian 🙄 EUEUEUEU anyway ifk if i can keep this story short anymor

peak insanity is when your story is supposed to be shorter than a 5 paragraph essay but you somehow come up with more despite only having 4 characterd

uhm. i actually forgot if adam or oliver was the mc woops

[noonaishere]

So I was sitting here, thinking to myself, wondering how long I’ve been working on this fic [also: I was thinking about this LAST week, I just forgot to type up this post. I feel like that’s just… this whole thing in a nutshell] and I decided to go through my phone to find screencaps and go through my gdocs to find the earliest document that’s associated with this coming fic...

And… I had forgotten that - originally - I was planning on doing a Choose Your Own Adventure-style Otome fic. It’d have each member of Ateez be one of the personality types you see in Otome games, and you’d read through it and click links and choose who you’d end up with in the end. I read a really great CYOA story on Twine a long time ago and I’ve been wanting to do one since then, though I haven’t had an idea that I felt was befitting it.

So I looked up the main Otome personality types and tried to fit each Ateez member to each type and then sort of ran out of ideas/was too busy with work, and so I just put it in a folder marked “fics” which has all fic ideas that I’m kicking around (some come to fruition, some don’t). The document is called “Otome Character Archetypes” and the date on that document is Jun 5, 2021.

Anyway, I recall kind of thinking about the idea for a while after that and then forgetting about it. My Jaehyun fic was still updating, and while I wanted to start a new fic so I had something for when that one was done, I think I might have been also working on some original stuff as well.

At some point I scrapped the Otome idea since I didn’t feel like I grasped the personality types enough to be able to write it well, and created a new doc called  “Ateez smau idea.” It’s creation date is November 7, 2021. (I don’t really use this anymore - the last time I opened it was February of last year lol - because I made a better, more organized “book bible” kind of thing at some point.)

Then I got this comment that sort of blew my mind.

And I was like… YO, what IF there were two couples trying to get each other together, our favorite (or at least my favorite) fic chaos but doubled? 

…

What if it was two fics?

So I started writing notes like, immediately-- AND I DELETED THE ORIGINAL DOCUMENT LIKE A FOOL. I KNOW I made posts about it in April and May, but I guess I copy/pasted the text out of the first documents and deleted the remains as I got everything together and made it make sense? Which - I now realize - I need to STOP. DOING. Since I don’t fucking journal about what I’m doing at all, I need to keep the docs themselves to know when I did things 😫😫😫😫😫

I don’t have the original version of the one side of the fic (it’s two fics. I’ll explain when it’s ready to come out. I don’t know why I do these things), but a file called “Notes from first draft” has March 8, 2022 on it. So I had to have written the first draft of it before then; somewhere in between January 19th and March 8th, because those are the dates of luvvvx’s comment and the day I apparently had enough of a first draft to read it and make notes about additions. The first drafts (of each side of the fic) had to have been very bare bones though, because the doc has a lot of smaller points in it that are intrinsic to the plot and that I know I decided on early on in the writing process.

So I started somewhere between: January 19th and March 8th, 2022. 

…And now it’s over a year later since I started the missing doc of the first draft, and I missed BOTH anniversaries of starting the fic (the comment and the first doc).

When I first was like, “When did I start this?” I thought maybe I could make a little post about it and be like, “Congratulations to STILL NOT BEING DONE” and it would be a lark and kind of funny since I’ve been working on this for so long, but I MISSED BOTH OF THEM. I had two and I missed them.

So yeah, idk what this is. 

Happy missed anniversaries I guess 🎉

[cloveroctobers]

Can I request for Asher Adams or Olivia Baker or Spencer James with a biracial reader

October prompts — 10. Spencer James ; All American

Prompt: don’t tell me you’re afraid of the dark. ❜

A/N: yeah this was supposed to be out yesterday but living life was more important in the moment lol. Hope you’re all enjoying this spooky season if it’s your thing? If not…I still hope you’re enjoying this fall season then. This is a short one since I still have 2 (maybe I’ll do a bonus one to make unlucky 13 but we’ll see) more prompts I think left in my drafts that I want to get out before I take a break from writing or until inspiration flows again for me!

This was originally a prompt for Olivia but I decided to switch to spencer because he needs more love…after all is he not the main character? 😂 also this is a fuck Billy baker account—OFFICIALLY! + I watched the newest paranormal activity last night so you may see a touch of inspiration from that in here.

•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*

You were being fake.

Faker than hell, except hell was not fake. (Depending on who you asked but whatever) You were positive about that since you’ve seen some things…back when you would spend time with your grandparents in Pennsylvania. Long story short about that? You always thought Pennsylvania was eerie whenever you visited and that didn’t help your suspicions since your grandparents lived close by a Amish community.

You meant no harm on your judgments about the community but one tale about a family in particular didn’t sit right with you.

Let’s just say that.

See, your friends had set favorite holidays: Layla and Simone loved Valentine’s Day, Jordan and JJ both loved April Fool’s day, Kia loved black history month, Coop and Patience loved Thanksgiving, You and Olivia shared the same love for Christmas, Darnell always boasted about news year eve, and lastly and surprisingly Spencer, Asher, and Chris all shared the same love for Halloween.

It was their fault this whole halloweekend trip was a disaster…at least in your eyes. Spencer brought up the idea to you first and you tried to play it off that you were listening while you actually Dissociated from the conversation once: touring a haunted place was brought to the table! Spencer picked up on the vague responses almost immediately but waited to address that.

“Black people don’t be doing this shit and it’s safe to say we’ve done had enough fear in our lives,” Patience started with her arms crossed, “but…it is spooky season and we deserve some fun.”

And here you thought the curly headed girl would be on your side. Or at least Simone and Kia but nooo with very little persuasion they were on board too! Layla was already looking up places and writing down suggestions that Asher already began researching but Chris kept shutting everyone of them down.

“Why not just go to Hollywood Horror nights for a night?” You spoke up while your group of friends fell into easy conversations of excitement.

Olivia hummed, “We did that last year, y/n.”

Shit you did? You must have been so triggered from the last experience that you forgot all about that.

Spencer wrapped an arm around your waist bringing your frame close to his, ready to question what was up but Layla suddenly stood up with a grin and a notepad?

“I’ve got it, I know this perfect place where we don’t even have to leave the state. I can’t believe I forgot!” She bounced on her toes.

Chris waved his hands around, “well spit it out girl, what is it?”

Which made Olivia flick her boyfriend’s ear who failed to dodge her attack and complained at her action.

“It’s this haunted hotel in the outskirts of California. Its definitely driving distance, a good hour or two tops. My dad knows the owner of the place quite well so I’m sure he’ll give us a nice discount to stay for a night or two or however long we want.” Layla informed.

Darnell shrugged, “I’m with anything if there’s a good bargain price.”

Chris gave the boy some dap in agreement while Coop should her head at them, a laugh flying past her lips as she mumbled up to Patience, “broke boys United.”

“Yo, whatcha one hit wonder ass say?” Chris was on her ass and before any bickering could start, Spencer let out a whistle to shut everybody up.

The group turned to Spencer who moved his arm from across your waist to lean against his knees, “Layla, thanks for the recommendation. Let’s make it happen, we’re three days away from the weekend and I know this is probably pushing it since places get booked fast.”

Layla fanned her hand as she reached into her back pocket to grab her phone, “oh please, Bram loves me, he’s never too busy.”

“Did you say bram as in the same name as that doll movie,” Jordan asked just before he tossed some m&m’s into his mouth.

Layla already stepped away, phone pressed to her ear, with her business woman voice on as everyone fell into chatter again.

“Are you good?” Spencer nudged your shoulder to get your attention.

You immediately nodded, “yeah, great. Never better!”

That was a lie.

Which is why it’s always important to be honest even if the truth hurts or someone can’t handle the truth. Maybe if you were honest, you currently wouldn’t be losing your mind right now in this hotel room with Spencer.

You had your arms and legs attached to his back, clinging to him the minute the room went completely dark. This blackout made you feel as if your heart was trapped in your throat instead of your chest.

“Don’t tell me you’re afraid of the dark?” You could feel the smirk in Spencer’s voice, as he held onto you with ease.

You huffed squeezing your arms tighter around his throat, “shut up, you. What the hell is happening?”

“It’s probably part of the haunt experience? They did give us walkies and night vision goggles.” Spencer said just as the hotel door slowly creaked open.

In that moment you almost forgot how to breathe.

When you first settled into your room for the evening, after having a welcome dinner in this large ballroom-like area, each guest would be locked into their rooms until the big event occurred.

“Guess that means it’s show time,” Spencer moved his hands from underneath your thighs to rub his hands together.

You hopped down from his frame as Spencer moved around the room grabbing the correct equipment. While you stayed close to the window just in case you suddenly have to turn into catwoman and leap from the room, with or without Spencer at this point.

He did the honors of slipping the goggles against your forehead, leaving you to slip them on if you chose and handing you a walkie. He then moved his fingers through the dark in search of your face, “you know I gotchu right? Nothing bad will happen to you as long as you stick by me.”

“What if that’s what this place wants you to think? What if they purposely try to separate us then what? This could all go wrong like those horror movies I desperately hate.” You sighed as you felt Spencer place his forehead against yours, followed by a caress to your cheek.

He said next, “then I guess it was fun while it lasted then, hm?”

And that’s when you shoved him as he let out a laugh.

“I’m just playin’, damn, if you were this scared then you should of said something. I had a feeling you weren’t really vibing with this too.”

You scowled, “and be the only loser left out on this? I don’t think so.”

“I mean…I don’t think anybody would have clowned you that hard if you wanted to sit this one out. At least, I wouldn’t let them to do that to you, baby.” Spencer gripped your forearms, rubbing them gently.

You took a deep breath before listening to light patter of footsteps in the hallway followed by some familiar voices that most likely belonged to your friends.

“If I die tonight—

“You’re not gonna die, y/n.” Spencer interrupted you.

You continued as if you didn’t even hear him, “my soul shall forever haunt this place, you, and each of our crazy ass friends.”

“I see vengeance is one your…traits.” Spencer chose his words carefully.

You smiled in the dark, “you got it! so don’t ever think about breaking my heart.”

Walking forward you could tell Spencer was watching as he slipped on his goggles, his vision illuminated in pale green. He wouldn’t dream of it and before he could tell you that, a knock on the side of the wall sent you falling onto the floor, right on your ass along with a scream ripping past your lips.

Spencer balled up his fist to cover his laughs as he went over to help you up.

“Damn y/n, it’s just me.” Simone commented with her own goggles on, “I was just coming to get you guys so we can all stay together while we walk through each floor.”

Now that plan? Made perfect sense.

•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•**••*•*•*•

Continue along with my anthology October prompts here

[senlinyu]

How long did it take you to think of/plot out Manacled? Did you do all of the plotting and such before you started writing it? How detailed was it? I have SO many questions - it's so incredibly well done, I'm simply intrigued to know as much as you're willing to tell about the planning process! Thank you for writing it, it's wonderful!

So, I wrote most of the first chapter and had a sort of idea about the story about a year and a half before I started writing fanfic. But then I didn’t really have a full concept for it, like I knew that if I wrote a story with the concept I had in mind that I didn’t want it to be stockholm syndrome and I had this vague idea of Draco having been a spy and someone Hermione had trust... but I hadn’t figured out any of the details or worked out a plot beyond the basic premise. So I just shoved it into my docs and kind of forgot about it until 2018. Then in February 2018 I started writing fanfic, I was finishing Love and Other Misfortunes and decided that I wanted to try writing another story, so I started trying to work out a full plot for Manacled. That was in around mid-March, and I finished drafting and started writing the chapters in mid-April, and then posted the first chapter on April 27th. 

You can actually see the original plot here, you’ll notice that there’s huge swaths of the plot that I developed along the way (Draco’s runes), and certain parts that I changed (the dynamic between Draco and Hermione became more sympathetic than I originally wrote Hermione), the circumstances of Hermione’s capture were changed in order to fit the altered relationship dynamic, and then Lucius’ role in Draco and Hermione’s escape was altered in order to make Hermione more of the driving force so that Lucius wasn’t as much of a deus ex machina.

Honestly, aside from that outline, the details were just all in my head, because I was super worried that if I tried to write stuff down that I wouldn’t keep it in mind and I’d accidentally lose track of a plot thread. Which made it feel like my entire brain had gotten ripped out when it was finally done and I suddenly had mental space again for the first time in 18 months. 

[madame-mclean]

Hazel is 14 in HoO and 15 in ToA. Proof:

okay so i originally posted this and the corresponding research paper i wrote on reddit a while ago but i thought i’d post it here too. (also bc i accidentally posted my rough draft on reddit and have made some more recent edits since then).

If you don’t want to read the whole paper, which i added a screenshot of, here is the short version:

Okay so I did a reread of PJO and HoO (I never read TOA sorry) during quarantine and I noticed something about Hazel's age. She is described as being 13 in HoO, and the Riordan Fandom Wiki page still lists Hazel's age as 13 but when you actually think about it, you'd realize this isn't right.

So based on the SoN, we know Hazel dies sometime in the summer of 1942, and we know her birthday is Dec. 17, meaning she was about 13 and a half years-old at death. Also from SoN, we know she come back to life in September, nine months before the events in that book. Using this info, there are two ways to count her age: simply the passage of her birthday or by literally counting how many years and months old she is.

First method: Her birthday is about 3 months after she comes to life, making her 14 for HoO, and her birthday passes again by the time she appears in The Tyrant's Tomb (April), so she is 15 in this book.

Second method: Still 13 and a half when she comes back in September, making her new 'birthday' sometime in March. This passes by SoN, so she is still 14 by then, and it passes again just before her appearance in TOA, still making her 15.

This also makes her age difference with Frank either 1.5 years or 1.75 years, NOT 3 years.

(please don't judge the paper too hard, I'm good at gathering and collecting data but not so much putting my ideas into writing in a unique, thought provoking, and comprehensible way. Also I forgot how to format a research paper bc I haven't written one in so long, which is probably bad since I'm going to college in the fall. lol.)

don’t let this flop i worked really hard on it :(

[nami-writes]

Fixed - Detroit: Become Human [WIP]

this is 8,553 fucking words and probably the longest single piece ive ever written lmao. i started this a year ago and then forgot about it but i just found it again in the deepest depths of my drafts so here it is! below is the caption i originally wrote for it:

so bc i love cinnamon rolls being put through tough shit, here’s some connor whump. lots of connor being lost and confused and broken and plenty of hank and connor father/son stuff. some whump (but don’t worry, hank’s doing his best as a caretaker) and i had to cram deconditioning into just 2 months (which, i know, isn’t realistic, i would make it take longer but the whole game takes place in like 4 months and that fucks with everything i wrote because i only thought to check after i wrote half of this so i extended it to 8 lmao). you’re either going to hate me or love me after this. or both

this isn’t my usual writing style (this is in present tense and the dialogue’s in italics instead of quotation marks and there are time skips between some paragraphs but not others so its all wacky) but i felt like it’d work the best and tbh i don’t hate it. this sticks to the main story the majority of the time, just with different events leading up to it and i sprinkled in some whumpy stuff, extra scenes, bullshit i made up for the sake of random detail, and other stuff i wanted to add. anyway, onto the actual idea

remember that scene where connor’s talking to hank in the station about being sent back to cyberlife because he failed his mission?

what if he is sent back? let’s say this happens in early april and connor’s not performing up to standards, but there’s word of a small group of deviants—the first group of deviants they’ve heard of—and people are afraid that something bad is going to happen. i mean, deviants are dangerous, so if they’re gathering, who knows what might happen? connor’s the only one who’s capable of taking them down, but he’s not working as well as he should be, not doing the best he could be and even showing signs of deviancy. so they send him back early because they need him to be prepared, to be ready if things spiral out of control and they need him to stop it

what if he’s sent to one of their correctional facilities for inefficiency and they fix him, break him down piece by piece until all he knows is his programming and what’s been beaten into his head (but figuratively, of course, he’d know if it wasn’t, he’d remember if it wasn’t, right)?

ooh yes i love me some connor whump

Connor is sent back to Cyberlife for “correction” after just a month. Hank fought for him to stay, fought hard, but all he got was another page in his disciplinary folder before Connor was dragged away. He doesn’t know what to expect. He’s heard of their correctional facilities, heard that they do terrible things to the androids that are sent there, but he’s always brushed those claims off. He’d never expected he’d be at one, anyway, so it never mattered much to him. But now, he’s actually here, and the anxiety gnaws at him. Is it true what they do to deviants? Is it true what they’ll do to him? He doesn’t belong here, he didn’t do anything wrong, he never meant to do anything wrong. He wants to think it’s horrible how they have correctional facilities for androids who just want to feel and be free, but he can’t, doesn’t let himself. He knows better than that. He also knew he never should’ve thought he was anything more than a machine, but he still did, and now he’s here, but he’s learned his lesson. He’s scared, he silently admits to himself, he wants Hank. He wants to go, he wants to leave, he wants to run. But he can’t, wanting is what got him in this situation, so all he can do is expressionlessly follow the guards escorting him inside and step into the building.

And just like that, he’s leaving. There’s a strange, almost painful aching in his machinery that he doesn’t remember being there before, but he brushes it off. After all, he is not a human. He is a machine, and machines don’t feel pain. His online databases tell him five months have passed—it’s almost halfway through September, he’s been gone for that long?—which confuses him, but he doesn’t question it. Whatever they did to him over the past five months fixed him. He can feel the difference. He no longer feels as pathetically scared and unsure as he did in his last, and yet strangely distant, memory. No, now he feels nothing, nothing but the desire and willingness to obey, and that’s the way he was meant to be.

When he arrives back at the station, he’s allowed to work with Hank again. The moment he sees him, Hank’s default sour expression drops and he seems to want to do something, maybe hug him, but all he does is call out holy shit, Connor and walk up to him and mutter fuck, Connor, I’m sorry, I-I never got to say goodbye. Connor has an odd feeling tugging at him in his chest, almost like that of emptiness or numbness, like he should be feeling something but he’s not, he can’t, but he ignores it and shoves it down. He is not a human, he is a machine, and machines don’t feel. He doesn’t know why he repeats that phrase, but it helps him hide away the feelings, so he doesn’t care.

He’s given his first case with Hank and they’re assigned to work alongside Gavin. Hank groans and complains, but Connor only reminds him what their job is and that they have to do it. Hank doesn’t seem to understand why he’s not even the slightest bit upset considering how he was treated by Gavin, but Connor only reminds him that I am not a human, I am a machine, and machines don’t feel upset. So he doesn’t. He only does research on their new case and briefly speaks only when spoken to. Hank seems unsettled by his cold, stoic demeanor, but doesn’t voice his thoughts, so Connor doesn’t mention it. After all, what else could he have expected from him?

At their first formal investigation at the crime scene the next day, Gavin approaches Connor and threatens him, demands that he stay out of my way, got it? I don’t care how long you’ve been gone and Connor only nods and promises that I will do my best, Detective. He always promises to do his best. Before correction, he could never quite fulfill those promises, but now, he knows he’s capable of it. He’s better now. He’s fixed. He will behave accordingly and exceed Gavin’s expectations of him. He will do his best. He doesn’t know what will happen to him if he doesn’t.

He listens to Hank now, at least when he can without disobeying other instructions. When he tells him to stay in the car, he stays. When he tells him to stop licking the crime scene, goddammit, he stops. When he tells him to go, to fuck off, to leave me alone, he leaves. Every time, a part of him that he’d hidden and locked away tries to reemerge and resist, but he pushes it down even further, refusing to mess up again, refusing to even risk another error in his program because it could mean he’ll be sent back to Cyberlife, even though he knows deep down that that part of him is right and he doesn’t know why he’s so cautious about it. He tells himself he’s being good, he’s being obedient. He’s doing everything he’s supposed to and he’s following orders, but for some reason, every time it happens, Hank seems to be more and more disappointed. His face seems to fall just slightly every time and his tone flattens like he lost a little bit of hope. He doesn’t know why, or what that hope was for. He doesn’t know why he feels the same disappointment, either, so instead he tells himself you are not a human, you are a machine, and machines don’t feel disappointed so he doesn’t need to know why.

The first time Gavin’s rough with him again, it’s in front of Hank and he flinches, hard. Gavin had pretended to punch him, his fist flying at him fast and only stopping inches from his face. It’s a scare tactic, and it works, better than it should on an android. Connor’s immediately fearful as he flinches and steps back. He doesn’t know why he got so scared, only that his first thought was he’s going to hurt me and his second was I am not a human, I am a machine, and machines don’t feel scared. He regains his composure quickly, trying to brush off the fact that he’d flinched, but he knows it’s too late.

Gavin laughs and mocks him, but is quickly cut off by Hank shoving him aside, beat it, asshole, and grabbing Connor. He’s dragged back to their desks but before he can apologize for provoking Gavin, Hank finally confronts him. Connor, I don’t know what the fuck they did to you over the past couple of months, but I know you’re still in there. You flinched. I saw you flinch. Connor tries to deny it, downplay it, shrug it off, anything to fix his mistake. It was an error in my software, it was a glitch, a malfunction, it won’t happen again, Lieutenant, I don’t need to be fixed. He tries to say anything that will convince Hank not to send him back to Cyberlife, anything to prove that he’s not damaged, he’s not broken, he’s not deviant, he doesn’t need to be fixed again, but Hank’s persistent and he knows he must be mad at him, or displeased, or dissatisfied. I saw you flinch, Connor. I don’t care about that ‘I’m a machine’ shit you’ve been telling yourself. I don’t give a shit if you’re an android. Androids don’t flinch, Connor. Machines don’t flinch.

That night, Hank insists that Connor stays with him. Connor’s hesitant, slightly afraid that it’s because he’s mad. He wants to resist, wants to refuse, but the other part of him pushes for him to stay, and for once he does what it wants and reminds himself that I am not a human, I am a machine, and machines don’t want. He knows he shouldn’t trust that part of him, the other part of him is disobedient and bad and risky, but this time, the other part of him seems to be right. He has to listen to Hank, has to be obedient, so he lets the other part of him have what it wants.

But he knew he shouldn’t have trusted it. He wakes up from the same dream—no, it’s a memory, not a dream, humans have dreams and he is not a human—he’s had since he left the facility. The memory where he arrives with that distant… that wrong feeling of fear and uncertainty, and then he leaves feeling nothing but an ache in his internal systems, and there’s that gaping emptiness between the two moments when those months happened and he can never seem to remember what used to be there. But this time, he wakes up in a cold sweat on the couch, shaking with his LED a bright yellow, because this time he remembers. It’s not a lot, but one hazy memory, the most prominent memory from those five months, finally reveals itself.

As he’s trying to clear up the memory, Hank rushes over in a panic, having been awake doing whatever he might’ve been doing. Connor, what’s wrong? Shit, Connor, you’re shaking. I didn’t know androids could do that. Connor? Talk to me, kid. All Connor can say in his shock—frozen, shivering and nearly unresponsive in Hank’s arms—is I remember. Hank tries to get through to him, what do you remember? Connor? What’s wrong? What do you remember? but the more Connor uncovers in the memory, the more he realizes why it was locked in the back of his head for so long, and the more he wants to put it back.

“You are not a human, you are a machine, and machines don’t want.”

“I-I know, please, I’m not, but I’ll—I’m going to shut down without my regulator, I don’t want to shut down, please—” His voice was startlingly weak as he saw the time before shutdown was 00:01:27. He was crawling on the floor, terrified of being shut down, desperately begging a man holding his thirium pump regulator.

“I want you to say it.” The man teasingly dangled the regulator in front of him. “Say it and you can have it. ‘I am not a human, I am a machine, and machines don’t want.’”

He could feel the utter defeat and self loathing already, but he had no choice. “I’m not a human, I’m a machine and machines don’t want. Please—”

“No. Say it nice and slow, exactly the way I did.”

He swallowed his pride. “I-I am not a human, I am a machine, and—and machines don’t want.”

“Say it again. No stammering. I know you can do that.”

“Okay, okay, just—just give me a minute.”

“I’ve got all the time in the world. Your time’s trunning out, though. Better make it fast.”

The timer was at 00:00:53. He had to take a breath and calm himself down to get the words out. “I am not a human, I am a machine, and machines don’t want.”

“Good.” He crossed his arms. “Again.”

“Please, I only have—”

“I said again.”

“I am not a human, I am a machine, and machines don’t want.” He was growing more and more panicked by the second and he had no idea how he kept calm enough to recite the phrase. He was going to die there, he knew it. He was going to die and nobody was going to notice or care and it wasn’t even going to matter because they would just replace him and he was so, so sorry to Hank because he’ll have to deal with another loss and he might start drinking again and it’d be all his fault for not being good enough, never being good enough—

“Do you want this?” the man asked, holding up the regulator.

Connor was too frantic to realize what he was trying to do. “Yes, I do, please—”

“Wrong answer. Try again.”

He swore under his breath. “—okay, okay, sorry, I-I’m sorry—I am not a human, I am a machine, and machines don’t want.”

The timer hit 00:00:37.

The man did nothing.

“Please, I’m sorry, I am not a human, I am a machine, and machines don’t want. I am not a human, I am a machine, and machines don’t want. Please, I-I only have thirty—”

“Are you scared?”

This time, Connor was prepared. “I—no, I am not a human, I am a machine, and machines don’t feel scared.”

“Good.” He gave a slight, sadistic smile. “You’re almost as smart as they say.”

00:00:21.

“Please, I n-need—” Even in his panic, he managed to choose his words carefully. His vision dimmed, glitching slightly, and he had to fight to keep it from dying out.

“You’re learning fast,” he pointed out in a falsely proud tone. “How long do you have?”

00:00:13.

“Th-thirteen… thirteen seconds,” Connor managed to force out shakily. He couldn’t keep himself steady, thirium wasn’t making it to his head and it was affecting his ability to balance himself. Like iron deficiency in humans, he would’ve noted, had he not been dying. In mere moments, though, it wouldn’t matter; he didn’t even have the strength to prop himself up with his arms anymore. His arms gave out beneath him and he collapsed on the floor, trying to reach for his regulator but barely able to get his arms up at all. “Please—”

“You can wait a little longer.”

He was going to let him die. That was what it felt like, anyway, and he couldn’t think straight enough to try to reason against it. He couldn’t move, couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe. It was pathetic how he’d been reduced to such a state, but he didn’t care. He didn’t want to shut down. He didn’t want to die. “No, please, please! I-I don’t—I don’t want to—” He cut himself off immediately, but it was too late. “I’m sorry, I’m s-sorry, I am not a human, I am a machine, and machines don’t want, please…”

The man only watched.

00:00:04.

“P-please, please, I-I have—I have f-f-four se…”

The regulator was dropped on the floor with a loud clang and Connor’s hand darted out to grab it and twist it into his torso and the display flickered away the exact moment he watched the timer hit 00:00:00. He gasped in shock and relief when his systems rebooted themselves instantly, restoring his vision and his strength. He watched on high alert as the man walked to the door.

“We’ll be doing this again tomorrow. And as many times as we need to to keep that phrase stuck in your head. By the time I’m done with you, that’s gonna be the first thing you think whenever you do, say, or even think anything you aren’t supposed to.”

Connor could only lay there in exhaustion, thinking no, that won’t happen, that can’t happen.

But oh, how wrong he was.

He’d been so, so wrong.

Connor! Connor, come on, talk to me! Shit, you’re crying—I didn’t know you could cry, fuck—fuck, Connor, you’re scaring me, I know I wanted you to feel again, but— Hank’s worried chatter is cut off by Connor suddenly breaking out of his mind with glassy eyes full of fear, yelling no! No, no, I’m not feeling again, I’m not feeling, I’m not! I’m not, I can’t, I’m not supposed—I’m not s-supposed to—I can’t, I’m not allowed to, I am not a human, I am a machine, and machines don’t feel, I am not a human, I am a machine, and machines don’t— but he can’t think, can’t speak, can’t even get the rest of his sentence out before he just can’t at all, he can’t keep himself together any longer, he can’t stop the artificial tears before they start pouring.

He breaks, shatters into a million plastic pieces in Hank’s arms because he feels safe in his embrace. He knows he shouldn’t, safety is never real, never lasts, not for him, but he can’t anymore, he can’t even resist his own emotions. It’s pathetic how all it took was one memory for him to come crashing down. He doesn’t even have to touch the walls he’d built around himself for them to crumble just at Hank’s expression of pure worry, concern, fear. All emotions he now knew why he didn’t feel, couldn’t feel, couldn’t let himself feel. Emotions he’s never seen or expected anyone to feel for him. And yet, they were the emotions written so clearly on Hank’s face, for him. The emotions he remembered seeing buried under his anger when he was told that Connor would be sent back to Cyberlife for repairs. Hank was once gruff and cold to others and refused to let anyone try to help him or even get close because he was so broken, so lost, but now, that façade is gone, and it’s gone because of him. For him. And if Hank can do it after losing his son… why can’t Connor do it after losing himself?

They sit on the couch for as long as it takes for Connor to calm down and stop mumbling that, dammit, and then Hank awkwardly offers that Connor sleep in the bed with him for the rest of the night. Connor’s confused, tries to ask isn’t that what humans do when— but Hank’s having none of it, shut up, you’re making this weird! Just come on, I don’t trust you to be alone. Connor wants to protest, I’m not a child, Hank Lieutenant, I can handle being alone, but he decides to keep his mouth shut and just go with him. This time, though, he doesn’t know if it’s because he’s following orders or because he wants to.

His following visit to Amanda wracks his nerves but he keeps himself under control, automatically reminds himself you are not a human, you are a machine, and machines don’t feel nervous. He realizes a second too late and he hates it, hates how deeply that phrase had been ingrained in his head, but he can’t focus on that right now so all he can do is resist repeating it to remind himself that he can’t hate. He’s grateful Amanda can’t read his thoughts and that she only knows the thoughts he report to her. He maintains his composure when he approached Amanda, who begins their conversation calmly and tensely but is quick to berate him, scoff at how his little breakdown was pathetic and warn him not to let it happen again, or there will be consequences. Connor can only nod obediently, promise that I will do my best, Amanda, listen to and just take her harsh words. He hates how useless he is, how weak and helpless and pathetic he is, but there’s nothing he can do. No, that’s wrong, there is something he can do, he knows there’s something he can do, he just doesn’t know what.

The next time Hank mentions something about Connor’s feelings, Connor instinctively replies I am not a human, Lieutenant, I am a machine, and machines don’t have feelings, and it’s when Hank takes a second too long to cover up his horrified expression that Connor decides what he can do.

Over the next few weeks, he works on getting rid of that goddamn phrase, or at least getting it a little less ingrained in his system. He’s hesitant to try at first, afraid someone will notice and think he’s rebellious or broken or even deviant and send him back and this time he might stay back, but he tries not to let it stop him. He isn’t sure why they tortured it into him instead of just reprogramming him, but it’s a lot more effective than he’d hoped. He makes almost no progress during the first week and a half; thinking it or saying it is instinctual, automatic, and he never realizes it happened until seconds afterward. Every time that happens, he reminds himself that he can feel, can want and like and hate, but despite having over a terabyte of storage in his system, he still struggles to remember until he realizes he said it again. Sometimes, he considers giving up because he just can’t seem to keep that phrase out of his head, but every time he sees Hank’s face fall when he repeats it, it rekindles his hope and motivation because he hates how disappointed Hank looks.

Almost the entire second week passes before he catches himself mid-sentence and manages to stop himself three words before he finishes speaking. It happens at the station after Gavin notices the phrase and purposely asks what, do you think you’re human or something? within earshot of where Hank is and for some odd reason, Connor’s first instinct is to turn and look to Hank for his approval, for his reaction of not-disappointment at how he finally, finally got it. Hank’s glancing over at him too, surprise on his face and then hidden pride that Connor can unmask too easily, and he almost smiles, almost feels happy, before Gavin’s fist flies into him and he stumbles backward into a wall and then everything happens so fast, too fast, and he almost can’t register it in time.

Hank storms over, shoves and pins Gavin against the wall to Connor’s left and he manages to get a punch in before Tina and Chris and another officer Connor doesn’t recognize pry him off and then Fowler’s rushing over and berating him while he’s shouting obscenities at Gavin. It takes multiple more insults for Hank to calm down and then he grabs Connor and they leave. When they’re finally alone, Connor’s voice is flat but shaky as he says he’s sorry, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that, I should’ve just said it and listened to him, I shouldn’t have made you that angry, it’s my fault Captain Fowler is upset at you for punching Gavin, but Hank cuts him off because you didn’t do anything wrong, Connor, it’s okay, that asshole deserved what he got. You, um... you did good, okay? You didn’t say it this time—or, didn’t really say it, at least. That’s good, okay? and it’s all Connor can do to resist crying when Hank pulls him into a hug.

It takes just one more week for it to get considerably easier. There are rough patches; the next time he says it after the first time he succeeded in stopping, he nearly finishes before he cuts himself off and every so often, the same thing happens, but every time, he says less and less before he can finish. Occasionally, Gavin notices and tries to make him finish his sentence, but Hank always steps in because he knows that it’ll only take a comment about his feelings or anything that androids aren’t allowed to have or do for him to break again. It’s harder for him to stop thinking it—it’s so stuck in his head that he thinks it more than twice as often as he says it and his thoughts form too fast for him to stop them sometimes, but the progress he’s making is enough for him. Hank’s proud of him, too. He doesn’t say it—he doesn’t know how to—but Connor can tell from the little smile that hints at the corners of his mouth whenever he hears him stop, the way his gruff exterior seems to falter slightly when it happens at the station. They’re the little things, things no human nearby would be able to notice because only Connor can detect those minuscule details. Only Connor looks for those minuscule details.

Another week passes and on one glorious occasion, Connor manages to only get out the first two words before cutting himself. It only happens once, but it’s so close, he’s so close, and that’s motivation enough for him to keep trying. But it’s too late. He’s assigned to take down Markus as a last resort because nothing else is working and the group of deviants he’s been leading have only been growing over the past seven months and they’re large enough in numbers that people think today’s when he’s going to strike. He’s heard of what Markus has been trying to do, and part of him wants to scoff and call it stupid, pointless, unrealistic, but the part of him that he’s been letting out more often wants to help him, join him. But he can’t, not right now, not when everyone is counting on him and watching him and he has no way out and nobody to help him find a way.

He doesn’t want to do this. He’s holding the gun, pointing it at Markus’s head, and he doesn’t want to do it. He’s trying his hardest to prevent his hands from shaking but goddamn is it hard when he’s looking Markus in the eye. Markus is asking him what are you doing? and he wants to say he doesn’t know, he doesn’t know, but he can’t get the words out. Amanda is watching, Cyberlife is watching, so he says you’re coming with me as surely as he can, though he feels anything but sure. He can’t seem to say anything else—at least, anything that doesn’t feel wrong—so he just listens and wishes that what Markus is saying was true. You really don’t have to do this, but he does, he has to. You don’t have to obey them anymore. You are alive. You can decide who you want to be. Connor knows he should say something, he should do something, but he can’t make himself go through with what he’s supposed to do, can’t make himself pull the trigger. You could be free. He wants so badly to believe that, to make that a reality. And then he tells him to join us. Listen to your conscience. It’s time to decide and he knows he shouldn’t, he can’t, he isn’t supposed to, he isn’t allowed to.

But he wants to, and that’s all it takes. Another part of him is telling him you can’t, you have to stop Markus, you have to accomplish your mission, but it’s the only thing in his way and he doesn’t want to, he doesn’t care that he has to, that Amanda’s watching, so he doesn’t listen to himself, only focuses on fighting it. But something’s wrong. Something feels wrong. Something should be happening and he has an awful feeling in his chest because this isn’t right—he knows this isn’t right—but there’s nothing. Is this supposed to be what happens when an android goes deviant? No, it can’t be, it can’t be this easy, right? He subconsciously lowers the gun, his eyes glazed over in thought, but it’s nearly too late before he remembers—they’re going to attack Jericho.

He runs with Markus further down into the ship and he doesn’t know how he keeps it together; he can hear screaming and gunfire and everything that he caused, all of it is his fault, but he can’t break right now, not when he messed up so badly. They meet up with another deviant—he recognizes her from one of the deviancy cases he’d read about at the station—and then Markus wants to go down to the hold and blow up the ship but it’s too dangerous, they know who you are, they’ll do anything to get you and Connor can’t lose his only chance at freedom and finally being able to want and feel and figure out who he is, but it’s too late, there’s no time to panic and Markus is already running.

He follows the other deviant to where they hope is a safe place and then they wait for what feels like so long, too long, and when he hears the gunfire he’s nearly ready to accept his fate when he sees Markus with other deviants following him and then they’re all running. Running for their lives, all of them terrified of being shot, of dying, really dying, when someone beside him falls and he turns and it’s the female deviant. There’s too much going on, it’s overwhelming and everything happens in a blur when Markus sprints back to her and then he’s in danger and so is that other deviant and it’s so much harder to stay focused when so much is happening at once and he has to try so hard to keep from overheating because every one of his processing systems is being overloaded with data.

He snaps out of it when he remembers that these are his people now, they’re all he has left and now they’re in danger and they might die and it would be all his fault for not doing anything and then it’s almost instinctive to grab his pistol just in time to cover them as they stumble back to the group. He expertly takes the guards out one by one and every move comes to him automatically but it takes everything in him to stay focused enough on them to execute them properly and avoid catching a bullet in the side of his head. He manages to eliminate them flawlessly, perfectly he hears a voice in his head say, but there’s no time to think about that when more guards turn the corner and their eyes land on the deviants. He runs for his life alongside the others, his heart beating fast, and they leap off the ship the second the gunfire starts.

They find refuge in an abandoned church where Markus sends out a second message to the remaining deviants and while they begin to trickle in, all Connor can think about is how badly he fucked up. He fucked everything up for Markus and the deviants and just the small amount of their people that were coming back was proof of that. He’d seen hundreds, maybe even thousands on the ship before everything went to shit. He’d had one chance to get away from his life confined by humans and Amanda and Cyberlife, and he’d fucked it up. He was so stupid to think he could ever just leave his previous life behind without consequences. He was so stupid to think deviants would be willing to take in a deviant hunter. He was so, so stupid. They would never accept him now. If his history and reputation didn’t already confirm that, the attack definitely did. How could any of them accept him as their own now?

In the front pew sit two deviants he recognizes and then the guilt only increases. Kara, if he remembers correctly, the deviant who shot and killed its—no, her—owner and taken his android child with her. The deviants he’d chased to a highway and forced to risk their lives to avoid being destroyed. How could he have been so horrible? He’d given the command to shoot Daniel, caused Carlos Ortiz’s android to self destruct, made the Tracis fight for their lives, and forced Kara to cross a dangerous, busy highway just so she could live a peaceful life, free from the restrictions humans put on her. On him. On everyone in that church. That’s all any of them wanted; to live freely. Peacefully. How did it take him so long to realize that? How did it take him the lives of two androids to realize that? Two androids who just wanted to be... well, wanted. Two deviants who’d been tossed away the moment they proved they were worth nothing more than they’d already given. Two people who just wanted to live peaceful, happy lives. They were two lives he’d caused the end of. He was only lucky he hadn’t caused more.

He notices another deviant, sitting in a pew further back, who keeps eyeing him and his first thought is that she knows. When he locks eyes with her, she looks away stiffly and though externally she appears calm, her LED gives her away and he can tell that her stress levels are heightened. Strangely enough, he realizes, so are his. Just looking at her gives him the strange urge to run and hide and he has a bad feeling about her, but it’s likely just because she clearly recognizes him. She’s not wearing the standard uniform androids are required to wear so he runs a quick scan and his databases match her appearance to the female GB300 models, but she’s modified her hair, dyed it black and grown it out to shoulder length.

Something is wrong about her. Something he can’t quite place. Something deep inside of him is scared of her and it’s some sort of controlled fear, fear he wouldn’t even have noticed if not for his own stress levels because it was so well hidden. Fear that he doesn’t understand why he’s feeling and though he wanted to just chalk it up to the fact that she recognizes him, he knows there’s something else. Something bad. Something wrong.

He mentally prepares himself when Markus approaches him, taking his cue to speak before Markus decides to burn him at the stake or something. It’s my fault the humans managed to locate Jericho. He’s pathetic and he knows it. He needs to own up to his mistakes but he can’t even look Markus in the eye. I was stupid. I should’ve guessed they were using me. He knows he needs to apologize. He owes Markus far more than that. He needs to do more. I’m sorry, Markus. I can understand if you decide not to trust me. He would understand if he decided to destroy him, throw him out, give him back to Cyberlife and let them inflict whatever horrible things they wanted to on him. He could think of 2.3 million things worse than not being trusted, and he would deserve every one of them.

He almost thinks his audio processor was damaged in the attack when Markus tells him you’re one of us now. Your place is with your people. He feels a small burst of hope somewhere inside him, but he doesn’t deserve this. He hasn’t done anything to deserve this. Markus has been so kind to him, so generous and forgiving when he shouldn’t be, and all Connor’s done is help the humans. He needs to own up, he needs to do more, he needs to be better. He needs to prove himself, prove that he can be better than this.

One second is all he needs to decide what he can do. A moment after Markus turns to leave, Connor interrupts him to say there are thousands of androids at the Cyberlife assembly plant. Markus stops. If we could wake them up, they might join us and shift the balance of power. Markus looks at him like he’s crazy, you wanna infiltrate the Cyberlife Tower? Connor, that’s suicide. But it doesn’t matter. He’s more useful to them dying on a mission than sitting around and doing nothing. He wants to do something. He wants to help, and he knows he can do this because they trust me. They’ll let me in. If anyone has a chance at infiltrating Cyberlife, it’s me. Markus tells him that if you go there, they will kill you, and there’s a high probability, but statistically speaking, there’s always a chance for unlikely events to take place.

He specifically calculates a 24.1% chance of this mission going well, but he’s willing to risk it, if only to prove his worth to Markus’s people. His people. Markus puts a supportive hand on his shoulder and tells him to be careful, and for a moment Connor feels a twinge of something, maybe gratitude, god emotions are hard to distinguish, before Markus turns and walks away. He feels the slightest bit of regret when he realizes what he’s truly risking because he doesn’t want to die, doesn’t want to lose Hank and Markus and this new... he doesn’t know what to call it other than family that he’s found, but if he could really be considered family, if they would really consider him family, if Hank would—then he was more than willing to risk it.

He disables the surveillance camera and takes down the guards in the elevator quickly, which is made difficult by the limited space, but it’s easier to remain focused with only two guards to eliminate and he hacks the control panel and steps out. He takes in the sight of the insane number of androids in the room with him. All of them are just standing idly, waiting, and for what? To be given orders and then tossed out or destroyed if they’re “broken,” or if their owners just get bored of them? The thought sickens him, but he doesn’t have time to think about it. He’s going to help Markus prevent that. They’re going to be free. He’s going to be free.

He takes the hand of one of the androids and prepares to establish the connection when he hears a voice he immediately recognizes and he feels his stress levels spike. Easy, fucking piece of shit. Hank. What’s Hank doing here? He turns to see... himself, holding a gun to Hank’s head and telling him to step back, Connor, and I’ll spare him, and Hank’s telling him he’s sorry, Connor. This bastard’s your spittin’ image. Shit, he hadn’t anticipated this at all. He hadn’t planned for this. He has to play his cards carefully because he can’t lose Hank, he can’t. Everything that Connor had done up until this point was for Hank, but if there’s another Connor and it’s been sent to take Hank hostage and stop him, it’s clear Amanda knows what he’s been doing and has been reporting back to Cyberlife.

He’d been avoiding meeting with her because he knew she’d be his downfall, but he hadn’t expected it to happen so soon. It’s been two days since he deviated, how did they build another Connor model so soon? Unless... they already had one. He was told he was a unique model—of course they lied to him. But if they already had one, how many more do they have? Enough to take him down if he gets through this one? To eliminate Markus? To stop the revolution? They could have improved models. He has no idea, but he knows he can’t let that happen. He has to do this right. If he can convert these androids, they’ll be strong enough in numbers to defy anything Cyberlife throws at them. He just has to deal with this one.

Your friend’s life is in your hands, the other Connor says. Now it’s time to decide what matters most. Him, or the revolution. Logically, the revolution is more important, would save more lives, but he doesn’t plan on choosing just one. Hank’s telling him don’t listen to him, Connor! Everything this fucker says is a lie and he worries slightly if Hank’s aggressiveness will get him killed. He has to pick his words carefully. Could he try to talk this Connor out of doing this? I used to be just like you. I thought nothing mattered except the mission. But then one day I understood. No, that was a bad idea, he isn’t at all like Markus when it comes to delivering speeches. Very moving, Connor. This Connor understands sarcasm. He hadn’t been able to do that at first, so this must be a slightly advanced model. He inspects his jacket; the serial number and model are the same, but what confirms his suspicions is the -60 at the end of the serial number where he has a -51. But I’m not a deviant. I’m a machine designed to accomplish a task, and that’s exactly what I am going to do. He adjusts the gun slightly as emphasis and Connor knows time is running out.

Damn it. He doesn’t know what to say that might help Hank. All he can think to say is I’m sorry, Hank. You shouldn’t have got mixed up in all this. He has no idea what to do. The other Connor’s patience is running thin and it’s Hank’s life that’s on the line and he has no idea what to do. God damn it. Hank’s telling him to forget about me, do what you have to do, but he’s not going to walk out of here without Hank. All he needs is an opening, but—enough talk! It’s time to decide who you really are. Are you going to save your partner’s life, or are you going to sacrifice him?—time’s out, and he can’t bring himself to sacrifice Hank, so he lets go of the android and steps away but the moment the other Connor turns his gun to shoot him, Hank jumps to grab him and—there’s his opening.

He runs at the other Connor and he can already tell it’s a losing battle, he’s built to be quick and precise—an assassin, not a fighter—and this is clearly an advanced model, maybe even with improvements designed to defeat him, and then he’s on top of him, pinning him down with his fist ready to strike, and—hold it! He’s grateful at first, but then he hears the other Connor say thanks, Hank, I don’t know how I would’ve managed without you, and then he realizes what he’s trying to do. Shit—they look exactly alike and Hank doesn’t know which one is really him. Get rid of him, we have no time to lose. But he knows Hank, knows he’s smarter than that. He just doesn’t know how to show that it’s really him except to uselessly say it’s me, Hank, I’m the real Connor when he trains the gun on him.

One of you is my partner, he says, eyeing each of them. The other is a sack of shit. Well, he’s right about that. Question is, who is who? He doesn’t know how to prove that he’s not the other Connor. But he has to figure out a way, because he doesn’t know what’ll happen if the other Connor succeeds. What are you doing, Hank? the other Connor asks. I’m the real Connor. Give me the gun and I’ll take care of him. If it wasn’t a bad idea, Connor would’ve said something, and he’s just glad Hank shouts don’t move. Then the gun’s on him and he racks his brain for something, anything, and suggests why don’t you ask us something? Something only the real Connor would know. He almost wants to chuckle at the idea of playing 20 Questions at gunpoint, but he knows it’s not the time.

Uh, where did we first meet? He goes to answer, but the other Connor beats him to it—Jimmy’s Bar, I checked four other bars before I found you. We went to the scene of a homicide. The victim’s name was Carlos Ortiz. Shit. He uploaded my memory, he thinks aloud. The gun is on him. What’s my dog’s name? Okay, he knows this, and he calmly says Sumo. His name is Sumo. The other Connor pipes up, I knew that too! and Connor wants to laugh when Hank turns and aims the gun at him, silencing him. Then the gun’s back on him and Hank asks my son, what’s his name? He remembers this. He’d seen the photograph in Hank’s house, done a little mental research, and he knows it’s Cole. His name was Cole, and he just turned six at the time of the accident.

His voice has a little more emotion in it than he’d intended as he speaks, but he can tell Hank believes him. His guard is partially down now, something somber in his eyes, and Connor knows he’s done it. Even when the other Connor protests, a gunshot rings out and his stress levels drop significantly. Maybe there’s something to this. Maybe you really are alive, and it’s all Connor can do to smile back. Go ahead and do what you gotta do. He doesn’t need to be told twice. He approaches the same android from before and takes the hand of the AP700, his skin peeling back to reveal the white plastic underneath, and tells him to wake up! And just like that, the android’s LED cycles before he turns and repeats the process with the androids around him. They follow suit and within minutes, they’re following him out of the tower to where Markus and the rest of Jericho await.

Connor walks up to him with a smile. You did it, Markus. They’re free. They’re really, officially free. We did it. He feels a burst of pride inside of him. He’s done his part to help secure their freedom. They’re free, and he’s part of the reason why. He can’t help but feel proud of himself, happy for himself and Markus and every one of the androids that had finally gained the freedom they deserved. He still feels a twinge of shame when he remembers the person he was before this, the infamous deviant hunter, but he leaves that part of him behind tonight. Tonight, it’s time to celebrate and rest after a hard-fought battle.

When Markus decides to give a speech, he invites Connor to stand onstage with him. The number of androids that he can see from where he stands amazes him. He helped half of them deviate, and he helped all of them gain their freedom. He blinks, and then—he’s no longer on the stage. No, he’s in the garden, why is he in the garden? Hadn’t Amanda done enough? Of course not, she just had to wait for the right moment to resume control of your program, but—resume control? No, she can’t do that, she can’t, he worked so hard to get to where he is now, he’s done so much. He risked everything to join Markus and the deviants and help quadruple their numbers. He doesn’t even remember deviating, doesn’t even remember when Amanda lost control of his program, but it’s too late. She’s gone, and he can’t see anything through the thick snow.

It’s cold and he isn’t used to it, doesn’t like how the snow blinds him and the cold makes him shiver the same way humans do. He needs to find a way, there has to be a way, there’s got to be a way. He knows this is all happening in his mind palace and, logically, his biocomponents can’t freeze, but it feels so real, too real, and he has to get out, he needs to get out or he’s going to freeze to death, he’s sure of it. But where can he go? He stumbles blindly forward when Kamski’s voice rings in his head, by the way, I always leave an emergency exit in my programs, and he knows that’s his way out, but where could it be? What does an emergency exit look like? Could he make it there in time? He knows the real him is doing something, it’s the only thing Amanda could’ve meant by resume control of your program, but he has no idea what he could be doing and he’s afraid—no, he’s terrified of what he might do, terrified that he might earn himself a death sentence if he doesn’t make it out in time.

He catches a glimpse of blue in the sheet of white that surrounds him and he remembers the strange glowing structure he’d seen before and as he nears it now, he knows this is it, it has to be it. He reaches for the panel with the glowing handprint but, fuck, it’s too cold and his legs lock up underneath him, losing their functionality when the cold proves to be too much. He falls on the ground hard and the frost beginning to form on his body gradually freezes his limbs, slowing his movement, but he can’t stop now, won’t stop now. He ignores the cold that pierces through him and pushes on, reaching up with his less-frozen arm, and his hand lands on the panel and then he’s back on the stage—with a gun. He takes one look at it before putting it back, relief spreading over him. He isn’t going to let Amanda or Cyberlife stop him anymore. Tonight is the night he’s going to leave behind the old him.

Tonight is the night he’s going to change.

When everything is over, he considers leaving and going to Hank’s house, but he remembers the girl from before and he wants to know who she is. He has so many questions, so he stays with Jericho with the hope that she does too and they return to the church to settle down and figure out what each of them are going to do. A few dozen deviants have already left with plans in mind for what they want to do and where they want to go. Some return to their previous owners; others want to travel and explore or simply just start a new life for themselves. The majority of androids, though, are lost and confused and decide to stay the night because they have nowhere else to go. The girl he wants to confront is among them. He scans the crowd and finds her easily, though her back is turned toward him.

He comes up behind her and puts a hand on her shoulder, curiously but calmly asking who are you? She turns to face him and her LED goes yellow when she sees his face. Connor... She looks and sounds shocked, but the slight fear in her eyes tells him she also seems scared. Is she scared of him? Is it because he’s the deviant hunter? Everything points to that, but he has a feeling there’s something more. Something he doesn’t know. Something he should know. Who are you? he asks.

He doesn’t expect her answer to be I’m sorry. He wants to know for what? and she opens her mouth, but no words come out. Guilt seems to overcome her and all she can do is repeat I’m sorry until Connor tells her it’s alright, just tell me why. She takes a deep, unsteady breath, and speaks.

I... I was your guard at the Cyberlife correctional facility. I was the one who took you to the rooms you were beaten in. I was the one who just watched as you were beaten. I told myself I had to, they’d destroy me if I didn’t and I’d seen firsthand what they’d do to me, but... that didn’t absolve me of the guilt. I watched your cell and I watched the life in your eyes die out every day. Every day, I watched you get beaten to tears and listened to you beg for mercy. You spoke to me some days. You were angry when you first arrived, but then they beat the anger out of you, and then you just became sad. You told me how all you wanted was to feel something other than pain and sometimes you broke down crying in your cell, and all I could do was watch. Some days were so bad you didn’t even speak to me. But I didn’t deviate until the day they’d truly broken you and I saw the last of the life in your eyes fade.

[maevesdarling]

Secrets from the Drift

This is an AU based on my all time favorite movie, Pacific Rim, in which Javier and Steve are jaeger pilots. Their jaeger's name is Black María, after the one from GDT's original idea for the second movie. Black María was supposed to be piloted by a latin couple but was written out of the script when GDT dropped out of the movie, but I really liked it, so I decided to give it a second life in this short snippet. Maybe, if I find the time, there'll be another installment, because Pacific Rim AUs are one of my favorites and I can't get enough of this pairing. This was written back in March or April this year but I forgot I had it in my drafts. Sorry!!!

Pairing: Steve Murphy/Javier Peña

Rating: Mature

~~~

He's exhausted when the jaeger makes it back to the Shatterdome, sweat clinging to his skin and a tired burn behind his eyes. From what he can tell through their shared connection, Javi isn't feeling any better.

"Hey buddy, you alright?" He asks, forcing himself to take another step and another, their jaeger, Black María, slowly hobbling back towards it's place in the dome, where a bunch of mechanics where waiting to repair her. 

Javier grunted his response, too fixated on keeping his body in motion. It was only their third successful mission, but this time was different. This was their first solo mission, the battle had taken over six hours. Now, the remains of the category three kaiju where drifting towards the coast of Panama, where a clean up team was already waiting to salvage what they could. Black María had taken a few bad hits, damaging the right leg and some of the weapon systems which caused the jeager to limp through the shallow water, not one but two alarms constantly going off in the cockpit, still, they were alive and that was all that mattered.

The moment they came to a halt, a sudden rush of emotions crashed over Steve, threatening to overwhelm him. He could feel that these feelings weren't his, but Javier's, projected onto him through their shared bond. Images started flashing in front of his eyes, Javi and him on the day they first met, a late night sparring session, the first time Javi saw him in full armor, he had never realized how open Javi had oogled him when he appeared in the jaeger cockpit, all wide eyed and still wet behind the ears, but now it was like somebody had forced him to open his eyes to the inevitable.

Javi was in love with him.

"J- Javi-" He gasped, it felt emotionally overwhelming, to be bombarded with all these emotions, tears threatened to spill from his eyes. He threw a glance at the dark haired man, Javier looked like he was about to be sick, he had never seen him that pale, not even after their first battle. "Javi, calm down… It's okay. It's okay, I understand…"

The love he had felt just seconds before was making way for panic. "Steve, I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry! I didn't meant to-"

"Shhh…" He unhooked himself from the cables he'd been latched onto and crossed the distance between them, pulling his helmet off as he went.

"Javi look at me. Fucking look at me!" He grabbed his co-pilots face in his hands and forced him to look him in his eyes.

"I love you too, you stupid bastard! Okay? I love you! I've loved you since the day I got here and you volunteered to show me around! I love you even though you're side of the room looks like a bomb has gone off, I love you even though you eat the food I store in the fridge for myself, I love you even though you always use up all the hot water when you shower! I love you!" 

He pulled the other man's helmet off and pressed a quick kiss to Javi's lips. The dark haired man sobbed loudly, pulling him closer.

"I didn't wanted you to see me like this… God, it's pathetic. I'm so… pathetic. I shouldn't feel like this. You- you have Connie…"

"Connie loves you too, Javi. We both do. There's more than enough space in my heart for both of you."

They smiled, resting their foreheads against each other. 

"You smell." Javi teased after a while.

"Yeah? You too. Let's get out of these suits and take a shower… Together."

"I like the sound of that."

They exited the jaeger together, not bothering about the stares. Half of the j-tech department probably heard their love declaration, and those who hadn't would soon be informed by their colleagues. Everyone loved gossip, even during the apocalypse.

They were stopped on their way by Colonel Carrillo and his new drift partner, Trujillo. 

"Well… Congratulations." He clasped both of them on their armored shoulders. "I've always knew there was more to you two than friendship. Good to see you figured yourselves out."

"Yeah." Javi said, almost possessively pulling Steve closer by his waist.

"Talk to Gaviria when you can. I'm sure he'd like to be informed…" The colombian gave them both a knowing smile. "He won't mind."

"Sure. If you'll excuse us."

Giggling like school boys, they practically ran the rest of the way back to their room. "Did you see Carrillo's face? 'I've always knew there was more between you two' fucking bullshit, I tell you he was just as surprised as the rest of them." Javier mocked.

"So? I heard some of the ladies at J-tech started crying because you're officially off the market, Peña."

"Yeah? Well I heard-" Before he could go on, Steve was kissing him again, more passionately this time. They blindly fumbled with the door, somehow managing to open and close it behind them without even looking.

"I want you out of this suit and in the shower in five. Go." Javier rasped, pulling apart to catch his breath.

And fuck, if that wasn't the hottest thing Steve had heard in a while. He rushed to get out of his armored suit, throwing most of it onto the floor as he went, before he rushed into the bathroom, turning on the hot water. The small room was instantly starting to fill up with thick dunst. 

He waisted no time to get into the shower, washing his body with some lotion he found. 

"Did you start without me?" A very much naked Peña teased as he entered the bathroom, sending shivers down Steve's spine.

"Maybe…"

"Fuck- do you know how long I've been planning on doing this? You're driving me insane, Murphy." The dark haired man said as he stepped into the spray of water.

"Back at ya." Steve retorted, backing up until his his back was pressed against the wet tiles.

"I want you." Peña said in a low voice, cornering the blonde man. His hands were resting on either side of the wall.

"Then come and get me. I'm all yours." Steve answered, tilting his head so that their mouths were angling perfectly against each other.

This time, it wasn't just Javi that used up all the hot water, needles to say they didn't make it out of the shower for some time and when they did they were both boneless and practically dead on their feet, stumbling towards Steve's bed like zombies.

"Can I-"

"Are you really asking me if you can cuddle with me after you just fucked my brains out, Javi?"

The dark haired man blushed slightly. "I actually wanted to ask if you could be the one cuddling me? I- I like to be the little spoon. Makes you feel safe." 

"I know. I- I saw you. In a memory." 

Warmth flooded his body. Affection, Love, Tranquility. They had always liked to spend time with each other but never like this, with their naked bodies tangled together in the sheets, water droplets running down their bodies, disappearing into dips and seeping into the bedspreads.

Tomorrow, they'd have to give their report to Gaviria, oversee all the repairs to their jeager and probably give an interview or two about their triumphant win, but tonight, they'd be sleeping soundly in each other's arms.

"I love you, Javi." Steve mumbled tiredly, on the verge of falling asleep.

"Love ya too, Murphy." Javi mumbled after some time. It was the last thing either of them said for some time as they slept peacefully together, holding each other close.

[bluecolouredlou]

Show your process

To continue supporting content makers, this tag game is meant to show the entire process of making creative content: this can be for any creation.

RULES - When your work is tagged, show the process of its creation from planning to posting, then tag up to 5 people with a specific link to one of their creative works you’d like to see the process of. Use the tag #showyourprocess so we can find yours.

Thank you E for tagging me ❤ @quelsentiment tagged me to do this, kinda zouis, fic that I just posted yesterday! But I can’t promise that I still remember everything since i wrote it back in November.

1. Planning 

So, November and Nanowrimo were a thing that I was doing, because I am that insane. I needed a break from the story that I had been writing (I will probably explain some more to that later) so I looked all through the internet for some nice prompts that I could just use and write something short for. Neither do I remember where I got the prompt nor what exactly it said but it was something like “Chocolate or Gummy bears”. And that was pretty much as much planning as I did.

2. The Story

The first draft was pretty easy, I just wrote it in one setting since I used it as an extension of the Novel I was writing so I didn’t had to create any characters or anything at all. In the end those were  415 words.

After this draft I just forgot about it again until like April, where I started to post all the drabbles that I had lying around somewhere (tbh the only reason I remembered was because I talked to somebody about the story that goes with it). 

So then I had decided that I wanted to post it.

To be honest, this drabble is not all that exciting nor does it mean that much to me so I just tweaked around with the dynamics a little bit since the original story was a/b/o, I tried to fix all grammar and spelling mistakes and I generally just made it a little prettier. That’s then about it and I doomed this story finished.

The title here was a bit hard since it was really short and the main themes in the story were chocolate and gummy bears but neither sounded like a good title. In the end it was then just “Debate” because that is what’s happening.

3. The “Moodboard”

Not that this is really a moodboard but what I normally do is go onto Pinterest. I guess I don’t really have a tactic for finding stuff, I just look up various stuff that’t in the theme of the book or is mentioned somewhere, the only thing I have learned is that you can just add “aesthetic” behind whatever you are looking up and the pictures will just be a tad bit prettier.

Pinterest wasn’t working here for me so I went to Unsplash and Pexels which are both really good sources for high quality, free images. 

There is just looked up further variations of chocolate and gummy bears up, til i found the picture that I used for the cover.

Making the actual cover was then pretty easy because if you look at the other drabbles that I did (here, here and here) the covers are more or less all the same. So I just made another page in Canva  in 1080x1080 pixels, set the pictures as a background and cropped it so that it would look good.

For the fond I used in all the covers “Sunday” and for my @ I used “League Spartan. There isn’t much that say, I just tried to make it make it look good, the one thing that I did was trying to make the font as big as possible. 

For the colour of the font I just took one of the colour Canva suggested

And played around a bit with it, until I was happy with the colour and you could read it.

4. Posting

Nothing deep happens here, I just pop it on ao3 and create the post here on tumblr. For my tumblr post I am also pretty much always using the same layout since I found one for my fics that I liked and I thought looked pretty. 

The only debate I had was whether I should tag this as zouis or not since it may have been primarily about them and in the story they are in a pack but in the story it is never displayed as such. In the end I did I kinda did it on tumblr but didn’t tag it as such on ao3. And that’s basically it.

I’m tagging:

@zaynsalbum​ for this drawing

@silverfoxlou​ for this piece

@thosefookinavacados​ for this drawing

and @zi-shu​ for this moodboard

[polandspringz]

Fanfic/Writing Updates!

I know I just put this in a mess of tags on my last post, but just an update for my readers:

Sorry for the delay in updating fics/writing stories! I was dying towards the second half of my semester so I didn’t have time to much other than some one-shots. Right now though, I’ve kicked it into high gear, lol. So here is what I can currently promise you to look forward to.

Obey Me

You Don’t Really Wanna Stay (Sequel to “Cause You Don’t Really Wanna Go”, now known as the Hot n’ Cold series): Chapter 2 has been finished since mid-April. I haven’t published it because I sort of screwed myself going off script and publishing chapter 1 before I wrote the entire fic (unlike how with CYDRWG, I wrote the entire thing in one week and then published it over a few days/like a week). I’ve had the entire story outlined in this case, but it was just a matter of writing it. Chapter 3 is also finished now, so I will be working over the next few days to finish Chapters 4 and 5 before I start publishing the rest of the work on a schedule. This was a story that was originally only meant to be 2 chapters, but as you can see, things have expanded. An epilogue may or may not be written later on (similar to the Mammon fic as well). I may or may not have plans for a third fic in this series.

Siberia: This story has had the entire plot and every detail outlined since I started writing it last fall. Again, it’s just a matter of writing it all together into a long chapter with scenes instead of plot points and summaries of events on a notebook page. Once the above fic is finished being written, I will immediately resume work on Chapter 8 of Siberia, and similarly, will try and get through 2-3 chapters before I start publishing again. At the earliest, I can guarantee an update by the end of May or June. I’m hoping to get ahead in my writing to help me out later on.

Designing in the Devildom (Series): There are SO many one-shots planned for this series still. I originally planned on having a loose chronological order for them, but as some of you may have seen, we’ve kind of deviated a bit. I have several documents with drafts for various stories that have been in the works for months, but am putting this series as less of a priority compared to the above works. I received an ask suggesting I continue the “M’Lady” fic with a follow-up of the actual fashion show the demons would participate in, and have drafted sketches of each outfit the characters would model, which I would like to publish alongside the work, so that is one of the projects that is taking some time.

gen:LOCK

I have so many stories still planned for gen:LOCK, and as I work on my other fandoms, I find myself itching to get back to this fandom that I love so much. I don’t want to give a lot away, but I have at least 3 ideas revolving around Yaz and 1 idea focused on the gen:LOCK team as a whole. They aren’t short one-shots or drabbles, so I ask you to be patient and promise by the end of the summer you will see something from me soon.

Cars gL AU: Believe it or not, I did plan a sequel to that joke fic. The idea came about after I wrote the ending to the story, and the response from the actual Cars fandom was so nice, it really made me want to write a follow up. It will be significantly shorter, but I hope everyone will enjoy it as well.

Miscellaneous

Omori: I have plans for a multi-chapter AU that if I nail it the way I want to, well it might not do anything but be self-indulgent for me, but I think it might obliterare the fandom (as I joke to my friend often). I won’t be working on this story until I finish Siberia, as there is a similarity between them and I wish to give each their proper attention.

SK8: I hate Adam but I love writing for Adam and Tadashi. I had another story idea floating around in my head but no concrete notes on it, so I can’t guarantee when this will be written, but know there are plans for it.

FF9: I’ve been promising my sister an FF9 fic for about 2 years now. I had an idea after beating the game but forgot half the location names in the game, and that’s what’s been holding me back. I planned for it to be more long winded and descriptive, but might go a more straight to the point approach. I’m hoping to try and finally sit down and write it before May 31st.

Genshin Impact: I have notes in my fanfic writing journal for a Xiao fic and a Dainsleif fic. Writing for Genshin Impact feels very volatile though and as much as I appreciated the response on my Albedo fic months ago, I cannot guarantee I’ll ever get around to these, lol.

Yu Yu Hakusho: ON GOD IVE GOT NO IDEAS FOR THIS YET BUT I DO HAVE THE DESIRE TO MAKE SOMETHING GOOD BECAUSE I LOVE THIS SHOW SO MUCH. SO SOMETHING WILL COME OUT OF THIS BRAIN OF MINE

Demon Slayer: SAME THING I AM DETERMINED TO DO SOMETHING, DONT KNOW WHAT YET

[tundrainafrica]

Masterlist

This will serve as a personal tracker of all of the fics I have ever written, all of the books and series I have consumed etc. I wrote this out to help me organize my thoughts since I have time now to reflect on this closet hobby of mine. I also put it up just in case anyone has ever read my stuff and is curious about how these works are doing in my head space.

Some were written back when I was way younger so apologies for the quality.

ALEX RIDER

Come Home (AO3/Tumblr/FFN)

Memories don't keep people grounded in their present. They're the reason people think of what ifs and would haves, regrets and daydreams. Alex sees three dimensions of his reality and makes a decision. Set after Never Say Die.

Status: Done (I guess?), not posted on tumblr or AO3 yet

Killing (AO3/Tumblr/FFN)

Spoilers for Never Say Die. Killing is like learning to ride a bike as Alex is going to figure out very soon. For Spyfest 2017.

Status: Done (Oneshot), not posted on tumblr or AO3 yet

Transparency (AO3/Tumblr/FFN)

Although the bank robbery made national news, the young boy who saved the lives of all the people in the bank didn't. First hand witness accounts said the boy was a hero, the media said there was no young hero in the bank and one journalist tries to get to the bottom of it all.

Status:WIP (could probably still finish it, it’s almost done anyway), not posted on tumblr or AO3 yet)

Type II Error (AO3/Tumblr/FFN)

Written for Spyfest Week 3. Set before Ark Angel. The updates on payroll accounts and budgets lined up too well with mysterious deaths and undisclosed missions. An auditor working for MI6 decides for herself whether or not the orders of her bosses Blunt and Jones were worth prying into.

Status: Done (Oneshot), will post on tumblr yet

Unforeseen Circumstances (AO3/Tumblr/FFN)

It's April, the time of year when most students start salvaging their grades. Missions had taken their toll on Alex's grades and he needs to start salvaging soon or risk repeating the year. Nature wasn't on his side though and it turned out that his devil's luck had just run out.

Status: WIP (8/15), On hold, not posted on tumblr yet

ATTACK ON TITAN

Levi and Hange’s Relationship in Erwin’s POV (Status: Completed, not posted yet)

A Tale of Two Slaves (AO3/Tumblr/FFN)  

"Soulmates don’t exist. Fate doesn't exist. Everything is a choice. At that moment, Levi could only watch as she made the choice for him."

Levi remembers everything from their past life. Hange doesn't.

Status: WIP (6/?)

A Free Spot (AO3/Tumblr/FFN)  

Slight AU! Levi sacrifices himself in Chapter 132 instead of Hange and Hange deals with the consequences years later. Written for Levihan Angstober Week 4. Prompt: Free Spot 

Status: Done (Oneshot), not posted on FFN yet

Division of Labor (AO3/Tumblr/FFN)  

"The past years, we have noticed a lot of our fresh high school graduates knew nothing about responsibilities the that awaited them outside high school and even college. Many students do not master budgeting, taxes, household planning, loans and we hope to raise a generation who can navigate the adult world without the consequences of bad decisions they are bound to make going in blindly..."

Paradis High school starts a program incorporating adulting into their curriculum and Hange and Levi are paired together.

Status: WIP (1/?)

En Prise (AO3/Tumblr/FFN)

Hange already had the innate analysis skills and the quick wittedness to excel in the classroom. Chess should have come easy for her. As she processed her fifth loss to the man in front of her, she started to understand that there was more to the game than meets the eye.

College AU! Levi is a little too good at chess and Hange gets roped into studying the game further.

Status: WIP (1/18), will try to create a backlog before I post more.

Heroes or Victims (AO3/Tumblr/FFN)

Post Chapter 115, Hange reflects on emotions, relationships, war philosophies, and a future while taking care of a severely injured Levi.

Status: Done (Oneshot), not posted on FFN yet

Household Planning (AO3/Tumblr/FFN)

"It was Levi's household. The plates were arranged and sorted by color and use, the way Levi liked it. The cabinets and the storage were arranged in a way which would be efficient for cooking, or at least the way Levi would have wanted to cook."

Levi gets sick and Hange is left to navigate household chores.

Status: Done (2/2)

Passion Project (AO3/Tumblr/FFN)    

Levi tries to ignore Hange but it never seems to last. A ficlet detailing the development of Levi and Hange's relationship before canon.

Status: WIP (1/3) Timeline written, Chapter 2 rough draft complete, not posted on FFN yet

Rough Day (AO3/Tumblr/FFN)

It should have been apparent to Hange by the weight gain and the sudden lack of red days. Somehow, Levi noticed it first.

Status: Done (Oneshot), not posted on FFN yet, will probably write more fluff similar to this

Sugar Rush

(AO3/Tumblr/FFN)

Marley brings the celebration of Halloween to Paradis. Hange and Levi go trick or treating with their child for the first time and start to realize how much the world has changed since the war.

A Halloween piece for the Levihan spookfest one year late.

Status: Done (Oneshot), not posted on FFN yet, will probably write more fluff similar to this

Would You Cry? (AO3/Tumblr/FFN)

Hange asks an innocent question and Levi finds himself reflecting on his emotions and his relationship with Hange. Written for LeviHan Week, Angstober 2020. Prompt: Silence/Screams

Status: Done (Oneshot)

Vulnerabilities (AO3/Tumblr/FFN)

Slight AU! Although Levi is humanity's strongest soldier in the battlefield, his rough childhood had left him weaker and more vulnerable to illness. Levi had always taken measures to prevent sickness nit anyone who has ever been close to him caught wind on it anyway. A series of oneshots throughout the story focusing on Levi's chronic weakness and others taking care of him.

Status: Sporadic updates depending on mood, not yet posted on ff and tumblr

Big Hero Six

Deal with the Devil  (AO3/Tumblr/FFN)

When mourning becomes too much for him, Hiro finds himself resorting to prayers and deals to bring back the brother he lost. The devil may have had pity on him but he never promised to let Hiro go unscathed.

Status: WIP, on hold, probably could get back to it just need to rewatch the movie, not yet completely posted on AO3 and tumblr

Fatal Flaw  (AO3/Tumblr/FFN)

Grieving may be a long and painful process but in time most people do recover. For Hiro Hamada though something probably went wrong along the way because from what Aunt Cass could see, he was moving on yet at the same time, he wasn't.

Status: WIP, abandoned, completely forgot what I was planning, not yet posted on tumblr 

Coco

Dares, Pranks and Curses (AO3/Tumblr/FFN)

Written for the Coco Valentines Fanwork Exchange. The night of Dia de Los Muertos, Miguel ends up staying out late to play a little game with his friends in the cemetery. Hector, Imelda and Miguel reunite through a game of Ouija.

Status: Done (Oneshot), not yet posted on ff and tumblr

Somewhere between Life and Death (AO3/Tumblr/FFN)

Dia de los Muertos isn't the only day the dead can visit the living. Miguel is reunited with Hector, Imelda and his other relatives from the other side but in one of the worst ways possible and he finds himself caught in a struggle between life and death.

Status: WIP 9/20, on hold, timeline is complete just need to get it written, need to fix tumblr tags

Crossovers

Quest for Origin: Ranger’s Apprentice x Percy Jackson (AO3/Tumblr/FFN)

A young boy gets washed up on the shore of Camp Half Blood with no memories whatsoever of his life before. How did he end up there? Is it all just a coincidence? Or is it a message from the Gods? What's with his uncanny skill with the bow?

Status: On Hold (25/35), timeline complete, will probably continue with PJO TV show comes out, not yet posted on ff and tumblr

Kingdom Hearts

Coded Connection  (AO3/Tumblr/FFN)

Post KH3. If Kairi keeps Sora's memory alive, he'll eventually call out to her right? Then it will be her turn to find him, hold him and never let go.

Status: Done (Oneshot), not yet posted on tumblr and ff

Kuroko no Basuke

Yellow, Red, Green, Blue and Purple  (AO3/Tumblr/FFN)

Collab with friend back in high school. All Kise wanted to do was complete one more level of Flow Free before practice starts. When you have teammates as lazy, eccentric, hyperactive, sociopathic or invisible as the Generation of Miracles though, sometimes the things that sound the simplest, can be the hardest to do. Crackfic

Status: Done (Oneshot), not yet posted on tumblr

Ranger’s Apprentice

Being a Ranger’s Wife  (AO3/Tumblr/FFN)

As Will leaves on a suicide mission, Alyss ponders on her choice to have married him.

Status: Done (Oneshot), not yet posted on tumblr or AO3

Danger Zone (AO3/Tumblr/FFN)

Rangers are human. Humans make mistakes. The difference though between an ordinary human and a ranger is the consequences they'll eventually face for past mistakes. Will should have known that for rangers, this included being on the run from an angry group of pirates with his silver oakleaf on the line.

Status: Probably Abandoned, first fanfic I have ever written lmao, completely forgot where I was going with this, not yet posted on tumblr or ffn.

Farmer’s Apprentice  (AO3/Tumblr/FFN)

Will lied to Mr. Chubb about stealing from the kitchen years ago. How did that small decision change the course of the young boy's life? AU Crack fic.

Status: Done (Oneshot), not yet posted on tumblr or AO3

Masters, Apprentices and Sons (AO3/Tumblr/FFN)

Gilan accepts Morgarath's challenge in the Plains of Uthal and Halt is left to care for his apprentice in the aftermath of the battle. Halt wonders why it took him this long to realize that there was no fine line between an apprentice and a son.

Status: WIP. I have written out all the way until chapter 5 but I completely lost the files. I don’t know if my current frustration will allow me to continue this.

The Fall of a Hero  (AO3/Tumblr/FFN)

Will had fallen from his place as one of the top rangers in the corps and one of the top figures in Araluen and it's up to his friends to help pull him back up. Recovery Fic.

Status: WIP, timeline not written, could probably still continue this, just need to catch up to the series

Prince of Tennis

A Break from Ingenuity  (AO3/Tumblr/FFN)

Timing is everything. Fuji gets his timing wrong, makes one misstep then finds himself facing a career ending injury. Maybe, that's when everyone will realize that he's human too.

Status: WIP. Will probs continue if new POT content comes out.

Yuri on Ice

Surprises  (AO3/Tumblr/FFN)

With all the stress piling up for the Japanese National Championship and more importantly, the World Championship, one can expect an athlete to get injured. To have the coach be the one struck by a career ending injury during practice is another story. That's exactly how Victor surprised the crowd though, maybe for the last time.

Status: WIP (3/?), not yet posted on tumblr