#our brain is extremely good at distracting us and confusing us

[lexosaurus]

Hey guys this is your friendly reminder that despite what tumblr/Tiktok may tell you, ALWAYS check with your doctor and get assessed before doing any self-treatment or getting any sort of aid, no matter how small it may be.

I just found out that the compression brace I’d been wearing to help with pain on my arm while doing tasks for the past three years—while it felt really good to wear—was actually slowly causing me more and more problems because the issue was that my insides were getting squished and inflamed, and compressing them together more was only adding to them being further squished together.

So please do NOT immediately reach for the first band-aid fix because some random person on social media told you it’s okay to self-treat your problems. Please always check with a professional first. You may think it’s nothing and well it feels better to use so it must be helping! But you are not an expert, that random tumblr blog or tiktok account is not an expert, and you could be fucking up your body more than you realize :’)

[igigix]

Black Heart

Chapter 10: He Knows

- Rio (Good Girls) x Female Reader/You -

-> 18+ readers only!

-> English is not my native language, so bear with me because there will probably be some grammatical mistakes.

Summary: Rio, a dangerous, ruthless gangster, stumbles your path.

Rating: Mature, Explicit.

Warnings: Mentions of rape and assault.

Word count: 1.8k

A/N: Yo! Yo! It’s been a long time, lol. I've really missed writing. Let’s see how our two idiot are doing. Enjoy the new chapter because there will be a lot of development in the following one. Reblogs and feedback are very welcome. 

"Stop. You don't have to do this." 

"Do what, sweetheart? I've done a lot of things that are out of character for me since I've met you, so be specific, yeah?”

It was getting late. Rio has yet to appear, and despite your best efforts, you find yourself disappointed. You began to genuinely grow attached to him, which was very dangerous for many reasons. So you focused on your job to distract yourself from him. You were able to progress in your work since your sister brought you your computer. Lucy came to see you after Bonnie and Sarah left. She wanted to check up on you. She was worried about you, especially when she heard about the attack. She didn't know the full extent of what had occurred, and you wanted to keep it that way. Dorothy also visited you. She was always nice and caring. You're grateful to them. Everyone has been extremely kind and supportive. 

You turn off your Mac and lie down on the bed. You are left alone with your thoughts and emotions. Although you are surrounded, you still feel alone. You seem to be swallowed whole by the pain as it overtakes you. Why? What caused that shift in your life? Now you're lying to your loved ones, hiding your criminal activities from them. Your actions caused your best friend harm. You accused Beth, but deep down, you know it's you're fault. The past came to strike you with full force after you provoked it. Your blood courses through your veins and brings your heart to a rapid beat. It's your fault. Your breath comes in short, shallow spurts. 

You're feeling dizzy. You try to relax by focusing on the ceiling while trying to block everything from your memories. You see him. 

"For a little privacy. You know, just like the old days.”

 Everything around you becomes hazy as his image jolts through your mind. You feel a burning sensation overwhelm your body as the emotion of guilt engulfs you. You feel dirty. You're safe; everything will be alright, you tell yourself. To prevent your seizures, the nurse handed you your meds. You're fine, you repeat over and over again. You squeeze your eyes shut as if that will make it stop. It doesn't. Your mind is throwing itself into a vicious cycle of self-blame. Not only did you let everyone down, but you failed yourself. No wonder why Beth and the girls don't care about you. They only use you as a pawn to make fake money. Same for Rio.

You have feelings for someone who only sees you as a tool. Your brain keeps replaying Beth's harsh words. "What do you think will happen when he learns about your health problem because believe me, he will. I'll tell you; you'll instantly become a burden to him." You're falling apart, and you feel very, very scared. You want it all to stop. You want it to disappear. He'll either toss you or, perhaps worse, kill you. He's capable of it. The weight of it hits you all at once. 

He could kill you, and stupidly, your heart yearns for him. You need to put some distance between you and him. You can't let yourself fall for him anymore, no matter how charming he is. He's not a good man, and you're not worthy of love. You don't feel dirty. You are dirty. Filthy. Regardless of how much you scrubbed yourself, that sensation persisted. You knew that part of you that you couldn't get rid of. You thought you had moved on, but it came back to haunt you even more strongly than before. You feel that state of confusion and fear again. 

— — — —

Rio strolls down the sidewalks in front of the hospital where you are staying. He was so livid that he opted to walk rather than drive. His hands are tucked up in his pockets, and a blue hoodie covers his head. His lips are pursed, and his scowl is evident. All he thinks about is you, that piece of shit, and the seething desperation boiling in his chest. He is driven by the desire to beat and destroy everyone and everything that could hurt you. Rage bubbles inside him. He can hardly contain it. He could go ballistic at any moment, like a lit fuse on a burning bomb. But instead, he strides on; his pace is deliberate and controlled. He wants to be level-headed. He needs to think about this properly. He didn't want to frighten you. He didn't want to lose control. He needs to restrain his temper for you. He needs to do this for you. 

He pauses when he's right in front of the entrance to the hospital. He was determined to see you regardless of visiting hours; nothing or no one would stand in his way. He never knew he could feel this way. He was ready to do whatever it took to be close to you. He needed you like a heart needs a beat. He didn't know where this devotion came from, but he was experiencing it. It was strange and foreign--He was beginning to allow himself to care for someone other than his son Marcus. Elizabeth misled him when he thought they had a connection. He vowed to remain cautious after she betrayed him. 

Could he trust you, though? He didn't know yet. But he would give it his all, and the rest would figure itself out. You were someone worth fighting for. You were unique and special. He was enthralled. The moment he laid his eyes on you, he knew you were more than meets the eye. Something in you called out to him. He was utterly mistaken in his assumption that Elizabeth did all the heavy lifting. You were the actual talent, the real deal. You were too innocent and too beautiful for your own good. 

Rio enters the automatic doors, and the melancholy mood of the hospital seeps into his bones. He navigates through the empty halls. It's very late, and there aren't many people around. He takes the elevator to the fourth floor and wanders to your room. The corridors are silent, and there aren't any staff members around. He approaches your chamber and stops where one of his men, Kofi, had been positioned to watch over you. From now on, You won't ever again be exposed or defenseless. No matter what. He will protect you at all costs. Kofi steps aside as Rio enters after opening the door, his eyes immediately catching yours. Your eyes are tired and a little red. You're not asleep. You have a pensive and troubled look on your face. He stands beside the bed and tentatively reaches out to touch you. His fingers skimmed the plane of your cheek. His fingers brush your skin and send a shiver down your spine. 

Head encircled with a scarf; You wore silk nightgowns. You feel the urge to close your eyes and lean into his touch. You want to know what's behind his ruthless, intimidating facade. He forces himself to stay still. You are vulnerable right now. He doesn't want to take advantage of your helpless state. Your gaze is drawn to his wounded hands.

"Oh my god, what happened?" You ask. You pull his hand and focus your attention on it. "Are you alright?" you ask him. His expression hardens, and he frowns. The tips of his fingers are stained with blood, while his knuckles are swollen and bruised. You're in a fucking hospital bed because you were assaulted, yet you're worried about his hands? The bastard ambushed you, and you're asking him if he's alright? Rio stays silent. "Why won't you answer me?" You say. His hooded gaze flicks at you before it is glued to your face again. "Please," you beg, "answer me." 

You're honestly intrigued. Whatever it was, he had been in a dangerous place. You can feel it. Your mind is preoccupied with anything else than simple curiosity. Fear. The recognition causes you to jerk within. No. You could care less. You want to stop caring. You wish to despise him. You need to despise him. The biggest act of treason your heart can do will be to care for a man who will never love you.

"I'm good, sweetheart." He replies, his voice soft. He leans over you and kisses your forehead. It takes every ounce of his self-control to pull away. He pulls the chair near your bed and sits, holding your hand.

The tension in his shoulders melts away when you tangle your fingers through his. He is still fuming with fury, but you make him feel calm again.

"Tell me you trust me, yeah?" He murmurs. 

"You've given me every opportunity not to," you state. "How can I trust you?" 

"Because I need you to." He replies, clutching harder to your hand.

You bite your lip and look at his hands. "Then tell me what really happened." You whisper.

"I know." 

"You know?" Not understanding you at first, you keep quiet. Still absorbing his words. A few moments later, you realize that he knows that you were assaulted. Deep shame tinges your skin at the thought. 

You attempt to remove your hand, but he firmly holds you. You turn your head away in humiliation. He knows you're dirty. 

"No, you don't. Nothing happened to me." You lie. The truth will disgust him, and you know it. 

"Eyes on me, mama, when you're talking." You hear him growl.

You try to pull away, but he has a tight grip on your hand. The silky pad of his thumb caresses your palm. He is trying to make you feel comfortable. Your body responds to his touch. You don't know how to process that. The display of affection makes you want to cry. You never expected to be treated like this. Your heart yearns for him, and your mind revolts at the idea. He gently takes your chin, tilting your face to meet his gaze. 

"Eyes on me, yeah?"

───────── ∙ ~εïз~ ∙ ──────────

<- Previous chapter: Between Two Points

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[sirisuorionblack]

Professor Lupin

Professor!Remus Lupin x Professor!Slytherin!Reader

Request: Hey! Could I please request a Professors AU with Remus? I melt over the idea of him reuniting with someone from his school days when they both become professors and potentially a shit ton of pining from our boy Prof. Lupin ☺️ ty lovely!!! Xxx

Warning - none that know of.

A/N I hope you like it @cherrycolakxsses! Had so many doubts to post it but this I finally out. It's quite lengthy and might feel rushed at the end. Sorry!

"(Y/N) (L/N),” Professor McGonagall’s voice tore through the music blasting inside (Y/N)’s office. Does it set a bad example? Definitely. Does she care? Maybe.

“Old habits die hard, Professor,” she said, extinguishing the candlelight on her desk that's been lit since last night when she was going through a few papers. McGonagall chuckled at that.

The two of them walked down the corridor to the great hall for breakfast when Professor McGonagall said something, “Who do you reckon is going to be this year’s Defence Professor?”

“The dementors?” (Y/N) asked, looking genuinely confused.

McGonagall glared at her, “I wish you weren’t a professor, I could have deducted points,”

“Professor Slughorn would have been mad at that,” (Y/N) chuckled.

Professor McGonagall smiled at the fond memories of her past colleague complaining to her about “unfair deduction of house points”.

“But tell me a plausible guess of who might be this year’s Defence professor,” she insisted, a small smile tugging on the corner of her lips.

(Y/N) narrowed her eyes, “What are you planning, Minnie?”

The said person rolled her eyes at the nickname, “Well, I will tell who the Professor is - Its Remus Lupin,”

She could see the young professor straighten, staring at a spot on the ground as her thoughts ran wild, mind flooding with memories of a certain familiar Gryffindor.

“Oh,” was all she could muster.

“He will be joining us tomorrow,” McGonagall said carefully, looking intently at the girl before her.

“What!? Tomorrow?” she said, her eyes blown wide.

“Yes, and I except for him to have a good welcome,”

“You think I would be...mean to him?”

“What are you two still in your fifth year?”

“Oh come on, Minnie! Don't do that!”

“I should give it to the two of you, it was rather hilarious,”

“What is hilarious in watching two fifteen year olds duel!?”

“You will know it,”

That night (Y/N) rolled on the expanse of her bed, wanting nothing but the face of the Gryffindor to just disappear and allow her to sleep but all she could think about was him. She wondered if that same high school crush was turning, she wished not.

“Welcome, Remus,” Professor Dumbledore greeted him with a wide smile as Remus looked around the Headmaster’s office. He had come here only a handful of times and every single instance was just not the best.

“Hello, Professor,” He said, smiling politely.

After the introductory chat, Dumbledore said, “Well, come on, then, let me introduce you to the rest.” Remus smiled awkwardly as the Professor clapped him on the back.

Remus stopped dead in his tracks as Professor McGonagall and another young woman walked in. He immediately identified her, it was (Y/N) (L/N), his once upon a time arch-nemesis. He clearly remembered her 16 year old self, a bright smile on her face as she spoke to him rationally for once, settling everything, that contrasted the taboo of students with green robes having cold look.

(Y/N)'s smile slipped as she saw him, he was extremely thin and malnourished but he did have a smile on his face that compensated for everything else.

“Hey,” she said, mustering the smile back and outstretching her hand.

Remus coughed as he managed to break out of the trail of memories and shook her hand, “Hello,”

“Ms (L/N), can you please accompany Mr Lupin to his office?” Dumbledore asked.

“Yes, professor,” she said without giving it another thought.

“Do you remember this place?” (Y/N) asked with a smile as they reached a deserted corridor.

Remus barked a loud laugh, “Oh, how can I not! Wasn't this the place where we charmed the water balloons to pop right above your head?”

“Yep, it was the very same place where the epic duel happened, the time I had almost won,”

“But you didn't,”

“And neither did you,”

“I think - what was his name? - Liam Holloway! Yes, he ended up in the hospital wing,”

“That's what you get when you try to get in between a duel,”

Remus chuckled, “One of the reasons that was epic because that's when they saw Hogwarts’ most silent people have a fully-fledged duel,”

"Oh, yes! But honestly, to this day I have no idea how it started,"

Remus chuckled, "It was because the water had drenched your potions and charms essay "

"My potions and charms essay? Remus," (Y/N) dissolved in a fit of giggles, "Oh goodness,"

"What?" Remus asked, a smile spreading its way on his face. He waited for her to calm down.

"Professor Slughorn had looked at me pitifully the next class and then said I didn't have to hand in that essay and Flitwick did too. I hadn't done either of their essays that time. And when they told me that I was so confused as to why they did,"

Remus' jaw dropped as he looked at her incredulously, giggles still escaping her lips, "And I being the nice person I was, I wrote that essay for you and had James put it "discreetly" into your bag. Wait, that green bag was yours, wasn't it?"

"That was you!?" She asked, her eyes wide.

"Yes," he said, nodding.

"Oh, Merlin, I thought it was Snape for some odd reason and I was being good to him!”

“Should I be offended?”

“I dunno, I am sorry,” she wiped the tears that formed in the corner of her eyes with the amount of laughter she did within the few minutes.

Remus watched her as she smiled and looked around, the two of them falling into a comfortable silence.

“This will be your office,” (Y/N) said, opening her arms wide open at the entrance, “the terms start in a couple of days and then-” she grinned at him.

Remus was slightly distracted by the tank that stood at the side of the room, perhaps it was a fish tank; it was empty so he had no idea about the use of the tank and the thought of buying a fish for it ran high.

“No, honestly, the kids are great!” she said proudly, misinterpreting his silence.

“Are they?” Remus asked as he looked around his new office.

“Yes! I mean they are so lovely and sweet and just amazing, unlike some,” she said pointedly.

Remus chuckled, “What are you insinuating, (L/N)?”

“You know exactly what I am insinuating, Lupin,” she said, smirking.

(Y/N) squeezed Remus’ arm, watching his eyes turn glossy as he looked at the boy seated at the Gryffindor table laughing with his friends, resembling a lot like Remus’ late best friend.

He sighed and looked away. Soon, Professor McGonagall engaged him in a conversation, as though sensing the situation long ago. He spoke to her, a subtle forced smile on his face though all he could think about was his friends at the age of fifteen running along the corridors hollering and howling with laughter as they did so, and (Y/N).

“Good morning, Professor Lupin,” Remus heard as he walked through the corridors of Hogwarts - his once upon a time home, where he laughed and found friends and people who loved him, people he loved - he turned around to find (Y/N) grinning at him, “You know, I never thought you’d be a Professor,”

“You think I don't have the capability?” Remus asked, his eyebrows scrunched in offence.

“No, I mean you were after all the brain behind those petty pranks,” she said, grinning at him, “Do you think I didn't notice those “secret” whispers?”

“You-how?” Remus asked.

(Y/N) froze, biting her lips to prevent the blush from spilling onto her cheeks, “That doesn't matter. By the way, I must say, that prank on Snape where his hair was neon green for a week-?”

“That was epic and you know it,” he cut in.

“Yes, I know, Lupin, let me finish, will you? The part of the reason why it was because I did something,” she smiled cheekily, looking at him through her lashes and making Remus’ heartbeat cease and he felt as though the air in his lungs were knocked out.

Remus blinked, looked at her and asked, “What?”

(Y/N) chuckled, “Yes. The potion was to turn Snape’s hair a shade of purple, it was quite nice on him I must say but it wasn't - how do I put it, um,” she snapped her fingers in the air trying to find the right word.

“Humiliating?” Remus suggested.

Her eyes widened as she chuckled, “No, more like embarrassing?”

Remus smiled, “Alright,”

“So, I had mixed a neon green solution I had stored for, well...you,”

“For me!?”

“Yes,” she said with a giggle.

Remus blinked, “Why would you do that?”

“Um, good question but remember I hated you at that period of three months,” she said, shrugging.

“Well, now?” Remus asked, tilting his head slightly and staring at her intently.

“What now?” she asked.

Remus looked away from her striking orbs and at the sea of students, “You know, do you still hate me,”

“Nah,” she said and proceeded to mumble incoherently.

“What did you say?”

“Oh, nothing, nothing at all,”

The two of them fell into the depths of awkward silence, struggling to get back. Students who passed the greeted and smiled, giving (Y/N) an opportunity to break the silence.

"What are you planning to do in your first class?" (Y/N) asked.

Remus had brainstormed the past night. He wanted something that would make his first class a good one, an opportunity to teach the students all while taking a place in their heart and getting to know them. Remus believed that a student would like the subject if they liked the teacher.

"I thought of doing some theory part or something like that," Remus shrugged unsurely.

“Theory? On your first day?” She looked at him as though he was an alien, “Wow, Lupin, I thought you were genius,”

Somehow, as she muttered those words Remus felt a blush forming on his face, perhaps because she thought he was a genius (which he was), or it was embarrassment.

"You could do like practical like, I dunno, something cool," she said, waving her hands wildly.

"Um, what is cool?" Remus said, blankly.

(Y/N) stopped, gawked at him and left forward, shaking her head, "Do whatever you want, Lupin!" She yelled.

"Hey, hey, wait! (L/N)! HEY!" He called after her, watching her go without another glance at him, "And there she goes. Great, Remus, scared the girl away,"

"You did a boggart!?" (Y/N) exclaimed, the evening Remus had come into her office uninvited - definitely startling her - and boasting about what he taught that day.

"Yes," Remus chuckled, "Neville's boggart was Snape, you know,"

(Y/N)'s jaw dropped, "Wait, I, oh my goodness, his worst fear is Snape?"

"Yeah," Remus mumbled. (Y/N) fell silent as her eyes connected with his, both of them drawing deep breaths. She got lost into the depth of his eyes, concentrating on trying to find which colour they adorn - green? brown? amber? - it would take her years to find out.

(Y/N) coughed and looked away, breaking herself from...whatever she was put into.

"Um, uh," Remus shifted on his feet, one hand stuffed into his pocket and the other scratching his neck, "Would you - um, perhaps we could, I mean, if you want to-" Remus stopped his stuttering and took a deep breath, "We could take a walk? Like just down the-"

(Y/N) chuckled, standing up and crossing the desk. She grabbed the jacket that hung on a stand in the corner of her office. The coat was an obnoxiously dark colour of green that made Remus scrunch his face.

"What?" She asked, narrowing her eyes, "You don’t wanna come?"

Remus grinned extremely widely, and snatched his coat, stumbling to join her pace.

The two of them walked down the corridor to the black lake, their surroundings cold, the chill air swishing their cloaks yet the two of them felt warmth seeping into every inch of their body.

"You do know that it's way past curfew, don’t you?" Remus tried to joke. The keyword being - tried. He was bad at that, he was bad at flirting, he was absolutely terrible with girls.

But to his utter surprise, (Y/N) threw her head back, laughing, "You do know that we are Professors, don’t you?"

"Well, it’s my first day," Remus shrugged.

"Oh, now about that again - did you really do a boggart with your students? Really? In the first class you wanted them to show their fears?" She said, glaring at him.

Remus shrugged and looked around, his eyes catching the moon, it was waning gibbous, 7 days due to full moon. He was finally back at Hogwarts for the full moon. 16 years later.

"Remus," (Y/N) laid her hand on his arm. He suddenly whipped his head to look at her, the movement adding to their close proximity.

Remus froze. Her eyes. They were captivating to him. They shined under the moonlight, her eye colours modified into bright, shining ones. He fell into the mysterious depth of her eyes that pulled him closer, quite literally.

Both of them did not know when but soon their lips connected in a messy kiss but it was perfect for them. Their hands manoeuvred until hers were buried into his brown curls and his arms wound around her waist, pulling her closer. Remus tilted his head, deepening the kiss.

Kissing under the moonlight, what a cliche, yet, Remus Lupin wouldn't want it any other way.

[soramei]

Intentional - Part 5

Pairing: Bang Chan x Reader (she/her)

Summary: Landing your first real job at JYPE was something short of a miracle. You were prepared to face the new struggles of this elusive career whilst moving to a new country, however, nothing could have prepared you for him. Will stolen glances, secret touches, and hushed nights spent in the recording room ever be enough for the both of you?

Genre: idol!bang chan au, forbidden relationship, coworkers to eventual lovers, slow burn

Warnings: cursing, eventual smut

Word Count: 4.0k

Masterlist

A/N: yeah so about that upload... i was really busy this whole week but i hope to start uploading mondays again! thanks for understanding!!

Taglist (reply to be tagged!): @planetdemon​ @hvunvely​ @fluffybitch0325​ @fashi0nablee @juststop88 @straykisz @theultimaterad @margaritas-en-la-montania @meowtella

There was a pause in the phone call.

You started biting your nails, instantly regretting what you had just done. Basking in your stupidity, you could only wait for his response, for it was too late to retract what you had just said. Your day must have been worse than you thought. It must have been so bad that you had the nerve to ask Bang Chan — an idol, a person with a strict schedule, somebody who you had an argument with — to come over to your pathetic little apartment.

You kept nibbling on your fingers.

“I’ll get my jacket.”

You froze, eyes wide.

“Huh?” You were bewildered. You weren’t even expecting an answer, much less this.

“It’s cold this late at night,” he explained, “I’ll be there soon.”

You didn’t know what to say. You heard rustling on the other side of the call.

“Wait, I’ll tell you my address,” you blurted out.

“You did,” he said.

You frowned, trying to remember if you did or not. That’s right. You blushed at the memory of your first day of work.

“Oh yeah, umm, I’ll hang up now.” You awkwardly said, hanging up before Bang Chan could fit another word in.

You were a statue in your own apartment, clinging on to the last words exchanged on your phone. In actuality, you didn’t know why you asked him to come over. It was just blurted out in the moment. Or maybe it was a result of your extremely frustrating day. Either way, you felt extremely embarrassed that you did so, especially so late at night.

You started boiling some water, still trying to rationalize what you had just done. This was normal for friends, right? Na-eun and Yoojin came over just yesterday and you were friends with both of them. You knew for a fact that you two were friends, but you still couldn’t find an explanation for the strange feeling in your chest whenever you were around him.

Turning your phone on, you checked your face in the selfie camera. It was a miracle that your makeup didn’t smudge off. You thanked your new ‘CLIO’ foundation cushion, it looked like all that time you spent doing your makeup didn’t go to waste. You stared at your reflection for a couple more seconds before turning your phone off. Why did it matter what you looked like anyways? You wiped off any remaining lipstick with the back of your hand.

The kettle started rumbling, letting you know that the water was ready. You took out your mug to prepare some tea. It was a bad idea to have tea this late at night, but there was something about your mother’s tea that could knock a grown man out.

Sipping your tea, you turned on Youtube to an episode of a Korean web-drama that was getting really popular. It was another one with some rich CEO and a clumsy average girl, but you still watched, fully enamoured. On the recommendations list, there was a video with Felix — the other person you saw at the cafeteria on your first day — on the thumbnail. I can never escape from work, you thought to yourself, rolling your eyes.

You clicked on it anyways, just to pass the time. Watching through the video, you were shocked by the production value. Well, that, and Bang Chan. Whether it was hair and makeup or just his acting, he was so different from the person you knew in real life. You were in awe by his natural charisma gleaming at you through the screen as it was a rare quality that few people you knew possessed. Embarrassingly, you found your eyes drawn to only him in every group shot. He looked good in an apron.

You got distracted by more random videos before clicking back on your drama. The next episode was just about to start when the buzzer to your apartment rang.

It was Bang Chan.

Hurriedly, you shuffled towards your door. With your hand on the handle, you took a deep breath before opening the door.

“Hey,” you smiled.

“Hey,” he smiled back. He was leaning over you, his forearm on the doorframe. His coat was bulky, almost engulfing his whole upper body. He was wearing the same beanie you saw on multiple occasions, and in his hand was a white plastic bag.

You stepped aside, silently gesturing for him to come inside. He took your hint and sauntered in the room, head turning left and right to observe his surroundings.

“It’s not much,” you blushed, realizing how small your apartment really was. You could basically see all your belongings from the center of the room.

“No, it’s cute.” Bang Chan looked at you, taking his hat off. His dimple peaked out. “I brought some leftovers from that barbecue place. The kids and I went there after our shoot today.”

So that was what the bag was. With only food on your mind, you rushed to help hang Bang Chan’s coat before setting the table up.

The food was really good. They were leftovers, but it was so good. Stuffing a bite of pork belly in your mouth, you sighed. Where was this food earlier today?

“It’s good, right?” Bang Chan asked whilst chewing on a piece of meat. “I’ll take you next time.”

It was like he read your mind. You nodded eagerly in response, to which Bang Chan replied with a smirk.

“So, uh,” he scratched the back of his neck, “how was your date today?”

You rolled your eyes, not wanting to remember that embarrassment of a night. It was such a pity too, because that man was probably the most gorgeous man you’ve ever witnessed. You swore he had just stepped out of a webtoon when you first met him.

“It was alright,” you shrugged. It was difficult to reflect on the date without putting a damper on your mood, but maybe vocalizing it would have helped ease your discomfort. “He compared me to a model, you know.”

Bang Chan chuckled, making you look up in confusion.

“Was it because you looked exactly like the model?”

“No,” you replied.

His face immediately fell. “You’re kidding, right? Y/n, tell me you don’t believe anything that loser said. He’s got to be something below garbage if he was comparing two women.”

“Thanks, Chan.” You tried to force a grin on your face. “I appreciate it.”

There was a pause.

“I know my opinion means nothing, but Y/n, I think you’re beautiful.”

You stared into Bang Chan’s eyes, frozen like a statue. Your heart was beating so loud that you could hear it more than you could feel it. He stared back at you from across the table; mouth parted, breaths uneven.

You’ve received many compliments before, to which you would always reply with a smile and a quick ‘thank you’. However, it felt as if your brain malfunctioned in this moment and your heart was the only thing keeping you alive. You could still feel your body, but you couldn’t think.

“Thank you, Chan.” You awkwardly coughed, blushing profusely. Immediately focusing your eyes at the table, you couldn’t bear to keep looking at him.

The two of you ate in silence, with only the tapping of chopsticks adding to the ambience of the room. You wanted to make conversation with him, but you did not want to be the first one to break the silence. It frustrated you that you were so shy right now as you’ve never been like this back home.

To heck with it, you thought. There was no need to be shy around him.

“So,” you still couldn’t look him in the face, “any shows you’ve been watching lately?”

Small talk was good. You could do small talk.

“Actually, I’ve been wanting to watch this Transformers movie for quite a while.”

“Transformers?” You’ve never heard of that one. It must’ve been an American movie.

“Seriously?” his eyes widened. “You’ve never seen Transformers before? Oh, we’ve gotta watch it now.”

“You wanna?” you smiled. “I haven’t used my TV since moving in.”

“Mhm, let’s do it.” He stuffed the rest of the leftovers in his mouth before standing up and clearing the table.

You watched him clear the table in a trance. You should have offered to help since it was your own home, but watching the veins on his hands appear and disappear was way more interesting. Watching him, you suddenly remembered the hoodie.

“Oh, that’s right!” You exclaimed, shuffling over to the bag with the hoodie in it. Taking Bang Chan’s black hoodie out, you held it up to him with both hands.

He looked down at you and chuckled.

“Keep it,” he took it from your hands and slipped the hoodie over your head. “At least until you buy a new jacket.”

“I will.” You rolled the sleeves of his hoodie higher to show your hands. You turned the light off, leaving only the floor lamp to illuminate your apartment. Grabbing the remote from your coffee table, you summoned Bang Chan over to the couch.

You turned on the TV, fooling around with the remote control for a few seconds before giving up.

“I give up.” You sighed. Pouting, you handed the remote over to Bang Chan. He took it from you and started reading the buttons.

“Netflix, right?” Bang Chan asked, to which you nodded. “There we go.”

He scrolled through the titles, looking for the coveted movie. Once he found the movie, he quickly selected it and turned the subtitles on. That was nice of him, you thought. Although you also studied english in university, it was nowhere near the level of watching a full english movie.

The title sequence started and you tried to immerse yourself in the movie. You watched in awe, surprised at the fast pace of the action already.

Fully engrossed, you started to sink your back into the couch. Half-way throughout the title scene, you felt Bang Chan stretch his arm behind you to rest on the back pillow. Suddenly, you started feeling too aware of your surroundings. You sat up straighter.

Throughout the whole movie, you caught wafts of Bang Chan’s cologne everytime he moved. He smelled like safety and familiarity.

You turned your head up a little to get a glimpse of his profile, mapping out every edge and curve of his face. The light illuminated the tip of his nose, along with his dewy cheekbones and chin. The plum of his lips were let slightly open, allowing his teeth to peek out slightly. You unconsciously let out a sigh.

“Something wrong?” He turned his body to face you.

You shook your head and focused on the movie.

The rest of the movie was pretty good, although it lost you at parts. You watched the end credits in silence, not knowing what to say.

“So,” Bang Chan cleared his throat beside you, “I should get going now. Since it’s late.”

You turned your head to face him, not realizing how close the two of you had physically gotten throughout the movie. Looking up at him, your face was inches away from his. His face was almost enveloped by the darkness of your apartment. You heard his breathing get heavier.

“Yeah,” you breathed out, “you should.”

He didn’t get up though.

You heard his staggered breath as you kept looking in his eyes. The end credits had long been over by now. Your own breath was just as shaky and you heard your heart beat out of your chest.

He started leaning in. Slowly.

Your eyes widened. You gulped, your nerves snapped you back to reality all of a sudden. Wasn’t he supposed to be your friend? This wasn’t what friends did… Right?

Clearing your throat, you leaned back shyly.

“You should go. I don’t want the others to notice you’re gone.”

Silence.

“Yeah.” Bang Chan’s lips flattened in a line. Without another word, he stood up and walked towards your door.

You followed him in silence, hoping to at least send him off. Wrapping your arms around your torso, you watched as he put his boots on in the dark. He tied his laces, and with a nod, he opened the door and stepped out.

You were left with a sour taste in your mouth and a cloudiness in your head. Still standing in front of your door, you tried to process what had just happened. However, you couldn’t. All you could think about was the soft curls of his hair, the delicate threads of his eyelashes, and his lips. The dusty rose of his lips. The parting of his lips. Inviting you in.

You were frozen, looking at nothing particularly. The only thing on your mind was Bang Chan.

The door opened.

“Hey, sorry, I forgot my jack-”

His sentence never got a chance to complete itself as you rushed to him, wrapping your arms around his neck. As your lips touched his, you felt a fire ignite in you like nothing you’ve felt before. Your fingers clawed at the nape of his neck, wanting more. Wanting to be closer.

Almost immediately, Bang Chan responded. He was taken by shock at first, but his hands didn’t waste any time to grip your waist. You felt the muscles of his shoulders tighten as he pulled you closer.

He moved you back into your apartment by the waist, lips never leaving your own. You blindly shuffled backwards, only focused on trying to get closer to him. If that was even possible.

You ignored the clunking of his boots against your clean floor, allowing him to guide you to the couch. A whimper left his lips as you used your hand to comb through his hair, pulling it. His soft brown curls were silk against your fingertips.

The back of your legs hit the couch and he turned you around so he could sit on the couch. Your lips finally left his. You gasped for air, trying to steady your deep breaths.

Bang Chan’s breathing was synchronized with yours, his equally as unsteady. He reached his hands out again, grabbing your waist and pulling you on top of him. You were a ragdoll, responding to whatever he wanted to do to you.

With each knee on either side of him, you gripped his jaw and kissed him again. The fire inside of you instantly reignited. It was addicting.

The two of you didn’t dare to separate from each other, only parting to gasp for air every now and then. Even in the dark, you could imagine the plum of his lips and the threads of his eyelashes. This drove the fire in you more.

“What if the boys realize you’re gone?” you breathed out the next time you parted from his lips. They were most likely sleeping, but the thought still worried you.

“Fuck them.” Bang Chan exhaled. Grabbing the back of your neck, he reconnected his lips with yours. You gladly complied.

His sloppy kisses slowly moved from your lips to your jaw, then to your neck, eliciting a soft whimper from your throat. This seemed to only edge him on as kept leaving sloppy kisses against your neck, all the while running his hands up and down your waist.

His cologne surrounded you, keeping you safe. Soon later, the adrenaline left the two of you, leaving only the sound of heavy breathing to fill the room. You brushed your thumb under his eye to which he deeply inhaled.

“Chan?” you said. He was leaving kisses all over your collarbone.

“Hmm?” He didn’t seem to pay much mind to what you were saying.

“It’s half past three. I really think you should get going.” You didn’t want him to leave, but you were almost sure he had another packed schedule for tomorrow.

“Mhmm.” Your words went in one ear and out the other as he made his way up your neck again. You couldn’t help but close your eyes and let out a small moan.

“C’mon, get up. How did you even get here, by the way?” It took everything in you to break away from his touch, but you were starting to get sleepy.

“Taxi.” He said, helping you get up from his lap. He stood up after you, brushing his hand against your waist one last time before making his way over to his jacket.

“You’re allowed to ride a taxi?” You tilted your head, sceptical.

He slipped his jacket on.

“No.” He peppered little kisses on your cheeks. “You don’t know how long I’ve wanted to do that now.”

You giggled, pushing him by his shoulders out the door. He played along, pretending to stumble with every step he took back.

“Text me when you get home,” you said, repeating what he said to you on your first day of work.

He nodded in response and winked before turning around to head home. As soon as the door shut, you slapped both hands against your face. Your little act of impulse had spun your head in spirals. You didn’t know whether to feel relieved at the fact that Bang Chan reciprocated your impulsive actions, or to worry that you had not only just kissed your coworker — but also a freaking idol. No one — not Manager Chen, your friends, or even anyone in the general public — could know about this. If they did, both your careers would be screwed.

You doted on this thought as you got ready for bed, only the worst possible outcome came to mind. If either your manager or his manager knew about what happened tonight, you could get fired. Or even blacklisted. You sat in bed, nervously biting your nails.

Your phone buzzed.

Bang Chan: Hey, I got home. Nobody’s awake… ^^

Bang Chan: Don’t think too much, alright? It’s late, go to sleep…

You felt relief reading his text. For some reason, he knew you were overthinking your actions. You decided to listen to his words and go to sleep.

The next day, Sunday, was very uneventful compared to the day before. You texted Bang Chan back when you woke up, but because of his busy schedule, he hadn’t had the time to reply yet.

Yoojin called in when you were eating lunch, asking about your date. You told her the truth, explaining how there would definitely not be a second date with that man. She sounded disappointed and vehemently tried to set you up with another man in her pool. You politely declined, thinking about your restless night with Bang Chan.

You finished some work ahead of time to free up the next week. Since you were invited to work with Manager Chen at the content shooting, you assumed that you could lessen your work stress ahead of time.

The shooting days were allocated for Friday and Saturday, with there being an overnight stay at the mountains. Whilst you didn’t know the arrangements for Stray Kids, you were informed that the production crew booked a small lodge for the team. You were excited to not only see a behind the scenes of a real shoot, but to also possibly form a closer relationship with Manager Chen.

You were thankful that you did some work ahead of time as Monday’s workload was so much lighter than usual. People were still coming to you with their ideas for the project, but with your other work done, you had the time to go through everybody’s ideas.

You didn’t hear from Bang Chan the whole day, which was nothing out of the blue. You remembered him showing his schedule to you once. The amount of things he had to do everyday had your eyes bulging out from their sockets. All of a sudden, you were thankful for your nine-to-five job.

The next couple of days ran the same way as your Monday, with you easily breezing through your workload. Since you had more time during your breaks at work, you took to exploring the part of the building that you could. You admired all the art, the trophies, the awards and memorabilia. Of course, you also spent more time with your new friend Na-eun.

On Thursday, the day before the shoot, you were helping the producers by translating some notes for the script. All was going smoothly, when you got a text.

It was from Bang Chan.

You weren’t going to lie; you were curious as to what he sent you. He was basically silent the whole week so far, and if you were being honest, you missed hearing his voice. And seeing his face. And feeling his hands brush against your waist.

Bang Chan: Come to my recording room… I’ve got something to show you.

Your eyes lit up right away, curious as to what he wanted to show you. Quickly checking the time, you decided to take your lunch break then and there. After all, you didn’t have much work left for the day anyways.

Locking up your computer, you zoomed inconspicuously past all the other cubicles and made your way to the elevators. You weaved through the hallways of his floor, praying that your memory didn’t escape you. It seemed like your memory was on your side today as you found yourself in front of a familiar set of doors. You didn’t bother to knock before going in.

Inside was Bang Chan: feet up on the desk, drinking from his iced coffee, concentrating on his producing software. You smiled. He looked so comfortable, even in an ‘office’.

He had his headset in, and didn’t seem to notice that you had entered. You went up behind him and tapped his shoulder. He turned around, and immediately threw his feet off the desk and stood up upon seeing that it was you. You smirked.

“I should really put a ‘please knock’ sign on the door.” He cursed under his breath. He reached behind you to close the door.

You giggled.

“So, what do you have to show me?” you wondered aloud.

“A new song. Since the filming is tomorrow, the producers put me on a time crunch to finish the song by today.”

So that was why he was so busy, you thought. You didn’t realize how the sudden filming would have impacted his schedule for the month. Especially since it would take up two whole days.

He let you sit in his chair, and hovered over you to press play on the song. His chair smelled like his cologne.

As he was playing the song, your eyes drifted up to see his face. The face — even after only four days — you missed. The dark circles under his eyes were prominent. That, along with his disheveled hair, told you that he truly was dedicated to his work. You imagined him sitting where you were, two in the morning, sipping on his iced americano.

“You like it?” His eyes drifted towards you, resembling a puppy bringing a ball back to its owner.

“It’s amazing. I don’t know how you managed this in just a few days,” you said. And you were sincere too. You couldn’t imagine yourself doing any of this.

“Eh, you know, late nights.” he shrugged. “Wanna see another?”

You nodded, and the two of you began listening to another one of his songs. You listened in silent wonderment.

However, the silence didn’t last long as the two of you soon found yourselves on the couch: hands all over each other, lips the same. You were lying underneath him, his arms resting on either side of you to hold his weight up. Your lips never left his as you ran your hands up and down his defined biceps.

The two of you couldn’t stay away from each other. The sound of the songs that he had put on shuffle filled the room, along with a fleeting sigh of moan every now and then. Bang Chan’s hand had started wandering up your blouse when, all of a sudden, the door opened.

“Hey, I have the lyrics h-” He stopped mid-sentence, eyes wide.

Crap.

[alisonsfics]

reconnected

pairing: shawn mendes x reader

request: “hello. i was wondering if you could write where y/n and shawn met at school or on vine or idk at a coffee shop. both of us were young new artists and bonded over that. as both of us start getting popular we lose contact. a few years later we decide to collab on a song and that rescinds a spark of friendship and maybe something. but of course, I wanted to at a bit of drama. while you try to catch up on, you know life, the paparazzi are sure you two are together, shawn's ex is stringing up trouble and all your friends and family keep on bothering you two about each other” - @iwishiwasyuri

word count: 2.7k

It had been a peaceful day. You had woken up early and started a day of productivity. You were currently drinking a cup of tea and replying to a few business emails.

It was peaceful. Birds were singing outside. It was early, and it felt like the world was not awake yet. This moment of serenity almost felt like the calm before the storm.

Then, your phone buzzed and shook your desk in the process. You were taken out of your thoughts.

You glanced down at the lit screen. You noticed a text message had popped up on your screen.

Woah.

You hadn’t seen that name in years.

Shawn.

Shawn Mendes.

You and Shawn had known each other for years. You both bonded over being singers and the rest was history.

You two had a beautiful story, much like a fairytale. The way you both met felt like a page out of a novel.

You had been at your local coffee shop, way before you had become successful in the music industry world.

It was back when you uploaded videos of yourself singing covers on YouTube. It was simple and seemed mediocre now, but at the time you loved it. You were singing all the time and it was your dream, even though you made virtually no money. You still loved it.

You jumped up into the seat at the high table. You pulled out your laptop to edit your most recent video. You sipped on your warm latte. It made you feel warm and cozy, as opposed to the freezing weather outside.

You plopped your headphones over your ears and started to edit the video. Within seconds, you heard a voice talking over your shoulder.

“So you’re a singer?” The voice asked. You jumped, almost managing to fall out of the chair. You felt a pair of strong arms catch you and keep you from falling.

Finally, you got a chance to look at the source of the voice. You had been prepared for it to be some creepy guy, but you were wrong.

So wrong.

The guy was cute and had the most perfect smile. You were speechless. You froze, and your brain shut off.

“Hi, uh sorry about that. I’m Shawn. It’s just, your headphones are unplugged. I was going to tell you and I realized it was you singing. I’m sorry I scared you” he said, kindly. You had to pinch yourself to realize this was all real. “I...uh hi. I’m Y/N. I was just zoned out, it’s not your fault. But hi, I’m Y/N” you rambled.

His smile made your stomach do flips. You felt like you were on a rollercoaster.

“Yeah, you said that already” Shawn said, chuckling. It was endearing. He wasn’t laughing at you, he was just amused by the cute girl who was stuttering over her words.

You didn’t know it then, but he thought you were adorable.

You thought the exact same thing about him.

The story went on. You two became great friends. You never got the courage to mention your little crush on him, but time went on.

As you both got busier, you started to drift apart. Eventually you just stopped talking. Any time you heard his songs on the radio or saw an article about him, it just pulled on your heart strings.

But now he was texting you.

Hey, Y/N. I know it’s been a while, well maybe longer than a while. It feels like forever. Anyway, I was wondering if you wanted to meet up and talk. I really miss you

You were stunned. You could barely comprehend what you were reading.

It felt like a crazy dream, and you were about to wake up any second now.

You picked up your phone and tried to come up with a reply. It was harder than you thought it would be. How did you put years worth of feelings into just a few sentences?

Hi! It has been forever, I miss our late night runs for ice cream. I would love to hang out and catch up. I want to hear about all that I’ve missed. I hope you’re doing well!!

You pressed send and your heart leaped out of your chest. You could hear your heart thumping in your ears.

As you sat there waiting for a reply, it felt like years. In reality, it was probably five minutes.

Then, your phone dinged.

Awesome! You want to come over to my place in like an hour?

You almost jumped out of your chair. You couldn’t believe you were finally going to see Shawn after all these years. You sent a quick reply and then headed to your closet to get dressed.

You grabbed some clothes to change into and then proceeded to change your outfit four more times. Finally, you had settled on the best option. You checked the clock and saw that it was time to go.

You grabbed your phone and your keys and then headed to Shawn’s apartment.

You found yourself outside his front door, unable to move. You wanted to pick up your hand and knock on the door, but you couldn’t. Every time that you got close, you chickened out.

It had been years since you had seen Shawn. What if he changed? What if he didn’t like you anymore? What if you embarrassed yourself?

Every time another one of thoughts popped in your head, it became harder to try to knock on that door.

You took a deep breath and tried to still your shaking hands. You felt a small moment of confidence. Before it went away, you quickly knocked on the door.

Your pulse quickened. You felt the extreme urge to just run away. Before you could do that, the door opened.

There he was.

He looked different in person. Magazines and social media had been the only place you saw him for years. Now, three feet in front of you, you were almost shocked that he was three dimensional.

“Hi” was all you get out.

You were absolutely frozen.

“Hey” he said, slowly. He seemed to also be at a loss for words.

You looked him up and down, taking in all of his features. His hair was longer now. His shoulders were broader and he was so much more muscular now.

You were almost drooling over his arms in the tight shirt. Your lingering gaze left his body and you met his eyes.

Small smiles appeared on both of your faces. He grabbed your hands and pulled you into a hug. His tight embrace was comforting. His strong arms around you made your heart swoon.

After a while, you both pulled away. Once again, you couldn’t get rid of the grin on your face. “So how have you been?” He asked, looking into your eyes.

You started to tell him about major changes in your life that he had missed. While you were talking, his hand naturally slipped into yours. He gave your hand a reassuring squeeze as you spoke.

Your heart was racing at the speed of sound. It felt like a dream. There was no way you could really be standing in front of Shawn after all these years.

“It’s so good to finally see you again. I’ve actually been wanting to ask you something” Shawn said, after you finished talking. You were immediately intrigued, but also worried.

“And what is that?” You asked, rocking back and forth on your feet. “I was wondering if you would want to collab on a song sometime. I really love your music, and it would awesome to work with you” he told you, honestly.

You were taken aback. “I would love to. Is that why you invited me? To use me for monetary gain?” You teased him, giggling. He chuckled and shook his head. “No, that’s not why I wanted to see you again” he said, with a certain sparkle in his eyes.

You started gazing into his eyes, and it became harder and harder to stop. You didn’t notice, but you both started to step closer together. What you did notice was Shawn carefully placing his hand on your waist. He did it so lightly that you almost thought you imagined the lingering touch.

Before you both started to lean in, there was a loud commotion outside the front door. You both quickly jumped away like teenagers caught doing something mischievous.

Shawn sighed and headed towards the door to check who it was. He looked through the peephole and then quickly backed up. You were confused by his urgency.

“Who is it?” You asked, curiously. He didn’t answer you right away. He walked over to a wall and quickly closed the curtains. “The paparazzi are here” he said, walking back over to you.

“Well then I guess you’re stuck with me until they leave” you said, smiling as you walked over to the couch. You plopped down on the couch, and Shawn joined you seconds later.

“So do you want to watch a movie because you’re going to be stuck here?” He asked you, grabbing the remote.

You nodded and leaned your head on his shoulder. He didn’t expect you to do it, but he leaned into your touch. He pressed play on a movie and then put his arm along the back of the couch.

Slowly, as the movie continued, his arm moved from the couch to your shoulders. The way he transitioned was so natural, like he was used to having his arm around you. It felt good, and was definitely something you could get used to.

The movie became dull, and you glanced up at Shawn. You found yourself admiring his features as he watched the screen.

Then he caught you.

He looked down into your eyes. You felt your cheeks heat up as you were caught. “Hi you” he said, sweetly. You just smiled and then cuddled further into his side.

“Hey wait. I wanted to ask you about something?” Shawn said, pausing the movie.

You looked back up at him. It was hard to not smile. You always felt happy when you were around Shawn.

“So, I know that we haven’t seen each other in years, but there’s been something I’ve always wanted to tell you. Since the day we first met, I have—” Shawn started to say before he was interrupted.

Your phone loudly started ringing. It distracted you from what he was saying. You glanced down at your phone. It was your mom calling.

“I’m so sorry. It’s my mom, I have to take this” you said, apologetically setting one of your hands on Shawn's. He nodded. He was always so understanding.

You quickly answered the phone. Before you could say hello, your mom started interrogating you.

“Are you and Shawn finally together?” She asked, very quickly. You were taken aback by the question and also how fast she had asked that. “Uhh...no. Why would you think that?” You asked her, confused.

“The pictures are everywhere. It’s you walking into his house, and there’s a picture of you two hugging. All the tabloids are saying you two are together. I know that I shouldn’t trust tabloids, but I’ve always wanted you two to date. You are both so great together. Plus, he’s very handsome. So, you have good taste” your mom rambled, only stopping when she ran out of breath.

“Woah woah woah. Slow down. I promise you, Shawn and I are not dating” you assured your mom. Only then, Shawn started to listen to what you were saying. He had been trying not to listen or eavesdrop, but you were right next to him.

He just smirked at you. You saw it and rolled your eyes at him, as you tried to hold back from laughing.

Eventually, your mom said she believed you and hung up the phone. “I’m sorry about that. She started listening to the tabloids” you explained to him. He chuckled as he looked at his own phone. “That’s okay. All my friends are texting me about it too” he told you, smiling.

“Well then I guess you’re stuck with me as your fake girlfriend” you said, sticking your tongue out at him. He put his arm around you and then you leaned your head on his shoulder. “I’ve missed you” he said, softly.

You started to trace shapes on the back of his hand. “I’ve missed you too” you said, at the same volume.

You felt Shawn kiss your temple and you felt the heat rush to your face.

“So what were you going to ask me before?” You asked him, giving him your full attention. Just as he was about to tell you, there was a loud knocking at the front door.

Shawn groaned and then stood up. He walked over to the door. He looked through the peephole and just sighed.

“Hang on a minute” he said to you. Then, he opened the door. You couldn’t see the door from where you were sitting. “Hey there sweetheart” you heard a girl say, and your blood ran cold.

Did Shawn have a girlfriend? You had never even brought it up. You felt so stupid. Of course he had a girlfriend. It had been years. You had been sitting here hoping he would make a move, but he was taken. He was gorgeous, any girl would be lucky to date him.

“Ashley. What do you want? We broke up. Stop acting like it didn’t happen” Shawn said, sternly. It threw you even farther off guard. You didn’t want to get your hopes up, but it seemed like Shawn was actually single.

“I just saw on Twitter that coffee shop girl was here before. If you are dating, I want you to know that you can do better. I’m still single and you know I’m hotter than her. Just come here and kiss me so all those paparazzis will know you’re mine again” you heard Ashley said.

You felt disgusted listening to her talk. She was being really rude to both you and Shawn. “Goodbye Ashley. Go ruin somebody else’s day” Shawn said, closing the door.

He walked back over to you. He looked defeated. “So that was...?” You asked. “My ex-girlfriend. I know, bad idea” he said. You didn’t know what to say.

Shawn cursed under his breath. He looked furious. You stood up and walked over to him. “Hey it’s okay. It’s no big deal. We’ll just move on. You don’t have to worry about it” you said, trying to console him. You didn’t know why he was so upset of all a sudden.

“No, it’s not okay, Y/N” he snapped at you. You jumped away from him. You visibly flinched. His eyes softened when he saw you back away. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have shouted, it’s not your fault” he said, hanging his head low.

“It’s just— I’ve tried to kiss you three times today, or at least just tell you how I feel. Every time that I try, something gets in the way. I haven’t seen you in years and I just want get this off my chest. I feel like we have something special. I don’t know if you feel it too, or I’m just crazy. I really just want to kiss you, but I’m afraid something will get in the way if I try” he confessed.

You were shocked. This was the last thing you expected him to say. You had always wished that your connection was more than just friends, but you had always second guessed it. You always assumed that you were just making it up.

“Well, there’s nothing stopping you now” you said, coyly. He quickly looked up to meet your eye contact. He looked unsure, so you made the first move.

You walked towards Shawn and placed your hands on his chest. “What are you waiting for?” You asked him. That was all the clarity he needed.

He instantly connected your lips and wrapped his arms around your waist. It felt perfect. That sounds cliche and unrealistic, but the mixture of years of feelings and yearning made the perfect combination.

You both pulled away and couldn’t look away from each other’s eyes. “I guess I should call my mom back and tell her I lied” you said, giggling.

taglist: @laurakirsten0502 @miraclesoflove @nathaliabakes @millipop18 @azghedaheda @shyinadarkplace @ashwarren32 @impossibleapricotlampbat @lukes-orange-beanie

Let me know if you want to be added to my taglist for all my imagines or for a specific character/fandom!!

Requests OPEN

[aelingalathyniusrailme]

If you find me on the edge, we’ll jump together

gwynriel pirate au pt 7-god may be a man but the devil comes in the form of a women

check out the other parts if you want :) pt 1, pt 2, pt 3, pt 4, pt 5, pt 6,

Feyre, feyre, feyre. Feyre fucking archeron. The name of the women before them reverberated through out her body, echoing against her ears, clouding every thought in her mind. 

Gwyn was going to rip this bitch to shreds. why must the archeron’s be such a huge part of her life. One she consider her family, the other was love gone sour but the youngest archeron, the pain this women caused her was tenfold to anything Elain could have given her. 

She hardened her self to the memories that arouse, let her anger burn through any remaining hope to salvage what they once were. 

Her history with the assassin was long but her seconds was longer, she scolded herself for being so selfish. 

Gwyn looked over to Nesta and struggled intensely not to go to her. To anyone else she appeared as she always did, cold, indifferent, unbothered. But gwyn saw the slight twitch of her hands, and narrow of her eyebrows. the way she dug her nails into her palms and the almost imperceptible change of her breathing. This unexpected visit had shaken her second and Gwyn knew first hand she didn’t do well when she wasn’t in control. 

Nesta permitted seeing her sister all of once a year and gwyn had forced her to spend an hour with her just a few short weeks ago. 

And while she was looking at Nesta, Nesta was staring at the strange interaction going on between Feyre and The Shadowsinger’s own second. 

Gwyn’s mind was spinning, going over every way this could possibly go wrong, there were quite a few if shew as being honest. Her gaze cut to Azriel, his features gave away nothing except she knew recognition when she saw it. 

Azriel did not know her, but Rhys sure as hell did. 

Feyre’s eyes locked with Rhys’s, there was tension there, hatred even if they couldn’t look away. 

“You look as radiant as ever Feyre, darling.” His voice was light, it was teasing with a hint of mockery. Although it would be impossible to dispute that Feyre was beautiful, even in the dingy light of a grotesque bar she couldn’t help but draw the eye to her. 

Feyre could never be anything short of perfect. The irony of her being a trained murderer was not lost on anyone that knew her. 

“You look about as well as the bottom of my shoe.” Her features were one of practiced disgust. And yet she was in a room with some of her greatest friends turned enemies and all she could do was stare at that boy. “What the hell are you doing here Rhysand?”  

“I happen to find that the daily bouts of my life are none of your business anymore.” anymore. Clearly there was history here, but exactly what kind? Romantic or platonic, romantic or platonic.

Feyre stared back at him with a glare that could rival icy coldness of her sister, still clutching the lives of innocents on the thin line between life and death. A line she knew all too well.

This was going to be so fucking annoying. So gwyn took the opportunity to interrupt whatever that was, plastering a grin to her own face as she drawled, “Feyre archeron, so unlike you to be so distracted you don’t even say hello to a dear friend,” Gwyn gave her a look of mock surprise, “by a boy no less.” 

She turned towards her with distain, “Yes, my apologies, hello Gwyneth. You too sister.” Nesta remained silent, thankfully, in order for all of them to walk out of here alive her second had to keep swords to herself. 

“I remember mentions of a chat?” Azriel supplied quietly. 

Feyre’s mood brightened, “ah yes thank you for the reminder, we were getting off track. I have a proposal.” 

While she spoke, Gwyn’s eyes met Azriel’s from across the room. I know what you are about to do and I need you to please just follow my lead. Gwyn knew as well as any that the eyes told stories, she was praying that this wouldn’t be too much of a stretch. 

She needed her pirate enemy on her side. I’ll be damned, gwyneth berdara used the word please. 

You are despicable. 

You love it. 

Over my dead fucking body. 

No need for the language your majesty. 

I’ll use whatever language I want. 

Azriel inched closer to Feyre, slowly pulling out a knife. 

Stop, Azriel you have to stop. gwyn pleaded with her eyes.

Why? There’s almost twenty of us. 

Yeah, we would need an army of hundreds to defeat that women. 

Azrie scoffed, that’s impossible. 

Beyond her being the greatest assassin of our generation, she’s- 

Gwyn could almost see the wheels turning in his mind. She watched as he slowly but sure connected the dots, noting the way she radiated power. 

I’ll be damned, she’s fae isn’t she? 

That women can kill you without even lifting a finger. 

Oh Berdara are you worried for me?

Gwyn was about to respond when her senses kicked in and she noticed it was abnormally quiet. She forced her gaze away from azriel’s to find everyone staring at them. 

“It’s almost as if you want me to slit their throats.” Feyre sighed. “Now are you two done?” 

She stayed silent so Feyre took it to mean continue, but really Gwyn was just contemplating all the ways she could cut out her vocal cords. 

“Anyways, back to my proposition. Under the law, pirates are considered criminals, however her great majesty, the queen turns a blind eye to the deeds of your...folk.” She sounded disgusted. 

“And here I was under the impression that you murdered for a living.” Nesta responded. 

“I murder for the sake of the greater good, you murder for fun. We are not the same.” 

“You are a delusional coward.” 

“And you are nothing, not even worth an insult.” Feyre laughed. “At least our imbecile of a sister had the curtesy of retaining some magic, but you dear sister could not even light a flame if your life depended on it.” 

“Ah yes Feyre Archeron the greatest assassin to ever live, a puppet on a string still craving the validation of a queen who cares nothing for you. Poweful fae who falls to her knees for the very same you think yourself better than.” Rhys to his credit did not react to the clear insult. 

“You, my dear sister, are so much less than nothing,” She tilted her head and smiled, repeating her words. “and you believe you are everything.” Feyre grip on the knives she was holding tightened against the throats of Tarquin and Viviane. “It’s pathetic really cause you’re the only one.” 

The archeron sisters stared daggers at each other, each refusing to back down. 

Gwyn’s mask changed from insane adventurer to the pirate captain she occasionally had to be. 

Her voice turned icy, her posture straightened, and she clenched her jaw, “Nesta stand down.” Gwyn ordered, dominance infused in those three simple words. She turned to Feyre, “How about we discuss in private where family and ex lovers do not intervene.” 

“And ex friends are better?” 

“Oh Feyre, sweetie, don’t get it confused, you are clearly here for a reason, my only concern is, have you come as my enemy or as my ally?”

“Me holding your crew hostage doesn’t give you a clue?” She droned. 

“I’ve known you far too long to ever be fooled into making assumptions of your intentions.” 

“I’m glad somebody here has some semblance of a brain.” Feyre shot a look in Nesta’s direction and then one to Rhys. “Now I am going to let you two go,” Feyre purred. “But do not mistake that for safety. Captains come.” Gwyn rolled her eyes to Azriel 

What are we dogs? 

Obviously we pale in comparison to the greatness of this women. 

Gwyn laughed before she could stop herself. Everyone in the silent bar turned to look at her. Gwyn stared right back refusing to be embarrassed although she felt color flushed her neck. Azriel flashed her a smile, one that would send any ordinary soul to their knees. But gwyn wasn’t any ordinary soul, right?

They followed Feyre into the back room, watching her sit on the chair like a throne before speaking, “As I was saying my queen overlooks your faults for various reasons of her own but this fairytale you are chasing must be put an end to.”

Azriel crossed his arms, “and why is that?”

“Like I said the queen has her reasons, however, she is willing to make a deal with you two.” 

“No.” No, no, no. Gwyn was done with the queen. Forcing the memories down her mind reacted like a moth to a flame repeating the mantra that got her to where she was today, never again she promised herself, never again. 

Feyre ignored her. “Her majesty is willing to absolve you of all your crimes and keep both The Shadowsinger and The Silver majesty extremely well off for the rest of your lives.” 

“What’s the catch?” Azriel questioned.

“You pirates, always so untrusting.”

“What’s the catch?” He repeated through gritted teeth. 

“You allow the huge hall to be conquered in the queens name.” 

“Why would we ever do that?” Feyre was many many things but she was not an idiot. There is no reason for her to ever believe either captain would agree to the fools bargain. So she waited for her to play the rest of her hand. 

Feyre laughed as if they were beneath her. “Because you need me.”

Tagging: @imsointobooks @meher-sumedha @himadrij @gwynrielsupremacy @ipsa-est-lux-plenae @flora-shadowshine @allthebooksunderthemoon @valkygwyn @bookish-isha @lattristantketchup @generalnesta (If you want to be added or removed please let me know)

[kaibutsushidousha]

If the v3 cast were Masters, which Servants would they summon who has the highest compatibility with them ?

Akamatsu and Amakusa

Amami and Nursery Rhyme

Iruma and Caligula

Ouma and Nightingale

Ki-bo and Kotarou

Gonta and Bedivere

Saihara and Arjuna

Shirogane and Gilgamesh (Caster)

Shinguuji and Medusa

Chabashira and Xuanzang

Toujou and Queen of Sheba

Harukawa and Jason

Hoshi and Dantes

Momota and Mandricardo

Yumeno and Nagiko

Angie and Douman

Explanations under the cut in case you're confused, because you probably are.

First off, Twitter people might be wondering why so many choices are different from what I chose for this thread. Obvious consideration for who is normally summonable aside, the main thing I kept in mind here is that compatibility summon comes in two flavors. Pattern A is a hero similar in nature to Master (Sakura and Medusa, Ryuunosuke and Gilles, etc), and Pattern B is the hero the Master needs for the personal struggles of their character arc (Pepe and Ash, Erice and Voyager, Elsa and Arash, Jinako and Karna, etc). Pattern B is always more interesting than Pattern A, so that's what I'm using for all my choices. Now let me go over them one by one.

1. I say things will be different from the thread and immediately break the promise with Akamatsu. Akamatsu relied a lot on Saihara's brain to build her plan, but their relationship was never one of mutual trust because she knew Saihara would agree to her harsher and more definitive methods. The hero Akamatsu needs is someone both competent and like-minded. Someone who shares her earnest will to save everyone and willingness to use more extreme methods for it. Amakusa is the Servant for her.

2. For Amami, I'll go with Nursery Rhyme. Much like Raikou got Nursery in the Heian Singularity's Imperial Grail War as the emotional crutch daughter figure she needed, Amami gets an emotional crutch little sister figure to help him reunite with the twelve he lost. This pair would be interesting because it'd subvert Nursery's usual MO of simply forcing others to reconnect with their inner child. The whole reason why he lost 12 sisters is that his passion for seafaring and exploration distracts him from what he's supposed to do. Her role as the villain of the Santa Nightingale event shows she can be harsh when children are being neglected, so Nursery would be the force pulling Amami back on track, but she'd have to balance that with allowing him to enjoy himself to preserve his childish love for adventure. He'd be a tough and delicate case for our Hero of Children.

3. The hero Iruma needs is... anyone who tolerates her, really. My first thought was Karna, but he's about finding value where no one else does, and Iruma has her share of undeniable value, so I think he isn't the best choice. Their pair would be a watered-down version of Jinako's pair anyway. Fate/ actually quite scarce of Servants defined by being all-tolerant because that's a trait they push more on Fujimaru, but two examples that come to mind are Romulus, the man who loved all of Rome (read: human civilization) in both its sins and achievements; and Caligula, the man who went crazy trying to do the same. Romulus is too OP to help Iruma tone down her ego, so I'll go with Caligula.

4. Ouma is a hard case. He needs someone he can absolutely trust and finding one of those is a huge challenge. The only ones Ouma has expressed full trust to were Gonta because he was unquestionably good and weak-willed enough to never stray away from Ouma's instruction without asking first; and chapter 5 Momota, who was in circumstances so complicated that he wouldn't dare to throw away the chance Ouma's script offered. Ouma is the kind of paranoid control freak who would intentionally go for a Berserker because even the ones who speak are single-minded in a way that makes them easy to plan around. The alternative would be someone so like-minded in methods and standards that he'd probably hate them but still trust as someone who thinks the same way he would, but only BB fits that bill and she's not normally summonable. With that card off the table, the only options Ouma has left are Berserker he can trust to never kill anyone ever, and the only Zerk valuing life this much is Nightingale. BB's fellow nurse, amusingly enough.

5. Ki-bo would be offended with Alaya if he summoned a robot or homunculus just because he's a robot. And he also wishes for a partner that will treat him as an equal without denying what makes him different as a robot. In short, he needs a human Servant who is used to having normal relationships with robots. But not Chen Gong or Red Hare because they're too evil, nor Orion because he's too crude. That leaves us with robot Danzou's human son, Fuuma Kotarou.

6. Gonta's wish is to become a true gentleman his human family can acknowledge, and for that, he needs the example of someone who is both well-mannered and of a noble heart. Bedivere is an easy choice.

7. As I mentioned a few times before around 2017~18, I strongly think the best thing about Saihara is his interactions with Hoshi. Saihara is a guy feeling eternally guilty because he made one "good guy" murderer pay for his crime and he tries to make up for it by forcefully validating Hoshi's mass-murdering of the mafia. Then in Fate/, we have Arjuna, an all-around excellent man who adamantly believes himself to be evil because he did one dishonorable thing once. Saihara is the stubborn validating Master Arjuna needs to make him understand that he is not the monster he believes himself to be.

8. The first thing about Shirogane is that she really doesn't like reality, especially when it concerns herself. She can't muster any interest in the boring, plain girl she is or the boring, plain world she lives in, so she makes a hobby and a job out of becoming someone else, a larger-than-life figure in a fictional world. She loves all Danganronpa characters but expresses greater adoration towards Junko and Kamukura, the most unreal the series has produced. Enter Gilgamesh, the Hero King with the comically large ego and literally all Noble Phantasm to satiate Tsumugi's craving for a break from reality. That said, Gilgamesh has the recurring hobby of playing therapist to a Master disconnected from their own self and is the franchise's greatest symbol of the willing departure from the Age of Gods into the Age of Man. As much as he fits her tastes on a surface level, he's the guy who transitioned the flashy world of fantasy she dreams of into the plain world she hates, and he'll use most of his free time to the same on a personal level for her. The Caster version is being specifically picked because Archer has childish beef with modernity, and Caster is intentionally making his arsenal more limited and unimpressive, which is self-demonstrative of the points he wants to make to Shirogane.

9. One of his Free Time Events has him explaining why Medusa is his favorite myth, and I definitely can't claim to know this shit better than him. Deep emotional attachment to a story can net you compatibility summon, as Kiara is there to show, and Shinguuji gets bonus points from how TM Medusa became a monster out of living her life for her sisters rather than for herself.

10. Cute and righteous female Buddhist mentor figure who does martial arts. What else could Chabashira ask for?

11. Toujou takes self-worth from serving big important people with utmost perfection, so she needs her Servant to be a king or similarly important leader. But she also needs it to be a support Caster so she can properly invert the Master-Servant relationship and personally fight the enemy Servant for her king. The only characters in the middle of the Venn diagram of kings and support Casters are Medea and Sheba, and Medea wants nothing to do with the royalty life anymore, so Sheba it is.

12. The role of the hero Harukawa needs is already properly fulfilled by Momota in the story, so I'll go with Jason because he shares all of Momota's strengths and flaws. He's someone who'll force her to be part of a team, relentlessly encourage her to break out of her shell, and have a shitty personality she can never fully respect, making the relationship balanced. And things would go even smoother with Jason because his summon comes with Atalante, who is someone Harukawa can easily relate to.

13. Hoshi needs someone who would assure him of his choices and make him comfortably reconnect with his past like he did with Saihara in his Free Time Events. As practically the face of the Avenger Class, Dantes defines himself as an ally and guardian to the ones who were wronged and lashed out in less than virtuous ways, so he's a perfect fit.

14. Momota is too aware of himself as the protagonist of his own story to want a hero. He would instead want a loyal sidekick or a like-minded rival. Voyager is a good sidekick option due to his fit with Momota's wish for greater adventure further beyond and is a Servant Momota mentions in his Free Time Events, so there's the emotional connection to his story there. For a rival, a big-name adventurer like Drake or Odysseus could work, and so could a wandering warrior like Musashi. But there's one option that fits both roles: Mandricardo. Rica has the adventurer experience necessary to eventually compete with Momota, but also Saihara's level of self-esteem, allowing him to start on the sidekick role until Momota pulls him out of it and shapes him into a proper rival.

15. Like with Harukawa, the role of hero Yumeno needs is already fulfilled by Chabashira in canon, so we know what she needs is someone with high energy and a deep understanding of emotions. And Fate/'s biggest connoisseur of human emotion is none other than our Kiyohara no Nagiko.

16. Angie is a complicated case because she doesn't react well to being disobeyed. My first idea for someone with a functioning partnership with her is a knight, but knights generally work on the premise that their king is selfless and righteous, which Angie isn't. There are people like Lan Ling, Liangyu, the ninjas, Mori, or Okita, who submit their lives to anyone's authority, but for that same reason, they wouldn't help Angie improve. What she really needs is someone good at feigning humility, like Limbo. He wouldn't have good intentions for her Master, but by manipulating situations out of her control without letting her feel like her divine words are being challenged, he can force some level of change in her mindset. It's better than nothing.

[jamespotterthefirst]

As Long as You Love Me So

aka the fake Christmas date (Ethan x f!MC)

Pairing: Dr. Ethan Ramsey x F!MC (Dr. Lilac Allende) Word count: 2.9K Warning: some language 

Premise: She is in desperate need of a date for her cousin’s pretentious dinner.

Author’s Note: Back at it again at Krispy Kreme with the fake dating trope. This takes place during the holidays in book 1. Thank you to @aestheticartsx​ for pre-reading this 💖

Can you pretend to be my date tonight? 

The biting Boston breeze cut into her exposed skin with an unforgiving bite, leaving her fingers numb as she sent the text. All around her, chatting and laughing couples milled about, basking in the golden lights of the city's Christmastime decorations. Those who weren't affectionately enraptured in each other or studiously deciding which of the many restaurants to pick from threw curious glances her way. 

Please? It's a long story but I can tell you when you get here. I'll pay you. 

Vaguely, she regretted the pale pink cocktail dress that left her shoulders, legs, and much of her chest exposed. An hour ago, it had seemed like the perfect dress to force her pretentious cousin, Griselda, into quiet envy. And while her plan had been successful for the better part of five minutes, Lilac's arrival at the restaurant without a date had been enough for her cousin to revert back to her sneering, condescending, look-at-my-successful-broker-boyfriend ways. 

 I'm offended, Lil. I'd do that shit for free. 

Bryce's text brought Lilac back to her current desperate situation. With unfeeling, shivering fingers she texted back. 

You don't need to know why? You'll do it? 

Bryce's reply came in instantly which Lilac was grateful for. The sudden breeze that rustled through her hair and bare skin made her shiver uncontrollably. 

No need to know why. I'd do anything for you. 

Her triumphant smile lasted only second as her phone announced a second text from Bryce. 

But I can't tonight. I'm assisting Dr. Tanaka and he'll murder me if I back out now. I'm so sorry, Lil. 

Lilac exhaled sharply, her breath swirling into the night like fog. This was what she got for letting her anger get the best of her. Wincing, she recalled the lie that had hurled from her lips with vehement, unstoppable force. 

“Not that it's any of your business but I'm dating a successful doctor from work.”

Griselda's brief shock had been vindication enough but when it slowly ebbed into a wicked, challenging sneer, Lilac felt utterly pathetic.

“Fuck her,” Lilac muttered with a sudden rush of righteous anger.  

So help her God, she was going to march back into the restaurant and promptly inform her stupid cousin that her dating life was none of her business. So what if Lilac couldn't make a relationship last longer than a few months or if she dated around too much? She would be damned if she allowed her pompous, gold digging cousin to slut shame her. 

“Please tell me you're not a smoker, Rookie.”

The familiar baritone sent a white hot thrill through her body before her brain registered who it belonged to. 

Handsome as ever, Doctor Ethan Ramsey stood before her, eyeing her quizzically. He looked magnificently elegant in a dark suit, topped with a dark blue coat and scarf. The twinkling Christmas lights of the street sent his striking features into sharp relief, making him appear even more attractive than should be allowed. 

He waited for her reply and Lilac jolted with a start. Nearby, a small group smoked as they talked and laughed. 

“No smoking for me.” She grimaced and added as an afterthought, “Though if I were a smoker, I'd need a full pack right about now.”

“Rough night?” 

“You've no idea.”

“Is that why you're standing out here in the freezing cold with no coat wearing…” 

He trailed off, piercing blue eyes sweeping over her attire. Lilac held her breath, the heat of his gaze feeling like a gentle caress of his fingers on her skin. 

“...That?” 

His gaze reunited with hers and they looked at one another in the noisy street, a charged silence stretching between them. 

Then, too suddenly, Ethan looked away, busying himself with removing his coat and draping it over Lilac's shoulders without much ceremony. The pleasant waft of his cologne comforted her almost as much as the welcomed warmth of his coat. 

“I never took you for the type to like any of these trendy restaurants,” she commented when there was nothing else to say. “Especially during the holidays, with so many people everywhere.”

Ethan grimaced slightly. “I had to join Banner Health for dinner. It seems cozying up to them at the baseball game a few months ago was not enough to get a good deal for our patients.”

Lilac pulled his coat closer around herself but said nothing. 

“What about you? Why are you so determined to die of hypothermia?” His eyes briefly swiveled to her dress again. “Is your date going that terribly?”

Ethan added the last part casually enough but Lilac sensed that he was extremely interested in the answer. 

“I would take a horrible date over what's going on in there.” She gestured toward the window of the restaurant with a nod. At Ethan's evident confusion, she added, “Family dinner.”

“Aren't you close with your family?” 

“My mother, father, and siblings? Yes. My cousin?” Lilac allowed a look of disgust to be her answer. 

The crowd of people that moved around them on the sidewalk forced them closer together. Lilac's stomach fluttered but Ethan looked unfazed, peering down at her expectantly, waiting for her to go on. 

“It's my cousin Griselda's annual Christmas dinner at this ostentatious restaurant. Mostly because she can't cook for shit.” She explained this with a sarcastic flair. “But we're all supposed to forget about that when she shoves expensive meals under our noses.”

To her surprise, Ethan chuckled. “Sounds like fresh hell. Why even attend?” 

“Because it would be unspeakably rude not to show up? The family drama this would cause would be ten times worse.” Lilac glanced through the window of the dark restaurant, all tables lit by candle light. “So instead, us poor bastards who live in the East Coast are forced to hear all about how successful and beautiful she is.”

In moving her hands and arms when shit-talking her cousin, Ethan's coat began to slip off one of her shoulders. 

“You're a doctor, Rookie. And a damn good one at that.” 

Ethan's eyes fell to the curve of her exposed shoulder then back to her eyes. His gaze held such intensity that she was momentarily struck motionless. Very gently, gentler than she had ever seen him before, he reached over to adjust his coat around her, the sweep of his fingers against her skin leaving a trail of heat.

“And not to mention you're also quite beau—” 

“So you made it after all.” 

Griselda looked directly at Ethan as she emerged from the restaurant. There was no greeting, only bitter disappointment in her voice. Her cousin's dark, judgmental eyes swept the handsome doctor from head to toe, as though trying to find a flaw but finding none to her dismay.

“We all thought Lilita here was bluffing.”

Ethan stared at Griselda with brief surprise at being addressed so bluntly. His questioning gaze briefly moved to Lilac who grit her teeth in embarrassment, wishing for the ground to swallow her whole. 

The longest silence in Lilac's existence passed before he spoke again. 

“I arrived as fast as I could on such short notice.”

Lilac's head snapped to look at him, only belatedly remembering to hide her surprise.

“It's unspeakably rude to invite someone impromptu,” Ethan continued, matching Griselda's cool, haughty demeanor. 

Lilac could have kissed him with gratitude. 

“Yes, well.” For the first time in her life, Griselda Castillo had no retort. 

It was all too perfect. All Lilac had to do now was make up an excuse for Ethan to go and no one would be the wiser about her stupid lie. Not even Ethan himself. It was all going to work out—

“Forgive me, we were not aware Lilac was seeing someone. Easy mistake to make.” Griselda threw a faux saccharine smile Lilac's way. “When we heard about the famous boyfriend, however, we just had to meet you.”

Fuck you, Griselda. 

Lilac couldn't decide if she wanted to push her cousin onto moving traffic or if she wished to walk right into it herself. 

Beside her, Ethan remained very still. 

“He actually can't stay.” Lilac said, her voice hitching higher in barely controlled panic. “He has to finish some research for his next case study.” 

Griselda looked between Ethan and Lilac, clearly unconvinced. Her crimson lips slowly turned up into a devilish, triumphant smile that would have put the Grinch himself to shame. 

Ethan seemed to recover beside her because he cleared his throat. 

Then, he moved to stand closer to Lilac and to her utter, complete shock, he wrapped an arm around her waist with enviable grace. 

“My research can wait, love,” he said, leaning in to press a kiss to her temple. “If your family wants to meet your boyfriend then that's what they'll do.”

If someone had told him that morning that his day would end at the most pretentious restaurant in the city with Lilac Allende pressed close to his side, he would have recommended a brain CT scan. Yet, there he stood, being hastily introduced to people whose names he had no chance of remembering right away, not when Lilac's hand slid slightly down his chest, scorching him through the very fabric of his shirt. 

He glanced down at her and immediately realized what a mistake that had been. The glittering, sinful dress she wore was entirely too distracting on its own, but the charged way her green eyes studied his face... it made the energy between them crackle like an exposed wire.

“Everyone, this is Doctor Ethan Ramsey,” Lilac said to the curious and expectant table. “My…”

She trailed off, turning a bashful glance at Ethan. 

“Boyfriend,” Ethan finished without pause. He willfully ignored the thrill the juvenile word sent through him. 

As they took their seats, Ethan was still unsure what possessed him to pretend for her sake. All he saw was her cousin's mocking grin and Lilac's dejected, mortified frown and suddenly, he felt the urge to be anything she needed. 

“Pleasure, Doctor Ramsey,” Griselda said with as much enthusiasm as someone with a hernia. 

Ethan decided right then that if anything else, at least he would enjoy free food and alcohol, all paid for by Lilac's unpleasant cousin. When he looked over at his pretend girlfriend, pale dress glittering in the candle light and looking as radiant as ever, his blood buzzed with unbridled yearning.

“Ramsey?” the blonde man sitting next to Lilac's cousin asked with interest. “Why does that sound familiar? Where do I know you from?” 

“Ethan is a world famous doc—” 

“Wait,” a young woman with a mountain of curly hair and a kind face interrupted, enthusiastic. “He was in your Miami pictures, wasn't he?” 

Ethan blinked. 

Beside him, Lilac shook her head frantically at the young woman. 

“Natalia,” she hissed, but Natalia either missed this or ignored it. 

“You're so photogenic, Doctor,” she commented with a broad grin. “I messaged Lilita about it. The way she talked about you, it was so obvious she was into you.”

Ethan raised an intrigued eyebrow at the lovely, blushing doctor beside him. Lilac, however, studiously avoided his eyes, suddenly very interested in her wine. 

A young man sitting next to Natalia laughed. He shared many similarities with her, including the unruly curls. 

“I think we all called that one, Nat.”

“Has everyone tried the calamari?” Griselda interjected sharply. Ethan got the impression she didn't appreciate any conversation that was not solely about her. “It is divine.”

As Natalia rolled her eyes and challenged that proclamation, Ethan leaned in close to Lilac, the heady scent of her perfume sending his mind to less than honorable places. She had been leaning in too and they ended almost nose to nose. 

“You don't have to do this for much longer,” she whispered. “I can think of something so we can leave.”

Ethan ignored this and instead asked, “Miami pictures?” 

She blushed even deeper.

“Into me?” 

She was the color of her wine by now. 

Ethan had never seen this timid, demure side of her. Typically, the roles were reversed where he was the object of her teasing. As he watched her lovely blush spread down to her graceful neck, Ethan found he enjoyed this dynamic. 

It made him wish he could kiss her. Hard. 

“Tell her, Lilita,” the curly-haired young man called from his seat, making Griselda's eyes bulge out with indignation. “Aunt Margo's tamales are the only acceptable meal for Christmas.”

“Sebastian, you are making a scene,” Griselda muttered. 

“I'll let my mom know you miss her food, Sebas. She'll love you more than she already does,” Lilac laughed.

 The sound, accompanied with the fact that she looked so much more at ease, made Ethan's chest glow with contentment. 

Before he could stop himself, his hand moved atop hers under the table. Lilac stiffened in surprise but relaxed immediately after, keeping their hands locked. 

“I'm just not convinced tamales make for an elegant Christmas dinner,” Griselda was saying. 

“Bitch, you grew up in Guadalajara,” Natalia returned at once. “That's all you ate in the winter.”

The whole table laughed, much to Griselda's fury. The blonde man beside her rubbed her back soothingly to no avail. Instead, her sharp eyes zeroed in on Lilac like daggers and an air of conceit returned to her expression. 

“So how long have you two been together?” 

“A few months,” Ethan returned with ease. 

“Ooh,” Natalia commented. “The honeymoon stage! Where you can't keep your hands off the other and all you want to do is—” 

“Funny,” Griselda continued, eyes never leaving Lilac. “My cousin never really mentioned you.”

“She never really mentioned you either,” Ethan deflected. 

Sebastian almost choked on his drink. 

“How did you meet?”

Griselda's question came off as a challenge. 

“We work together.”

“Is that allowed?” 

“Yes.”

Below the table, Lilac gripped his hand. Ethan squeezed back, wishing more than anything that his lie was true. 

“Was it love at first sight?” Natalia asked with genuine interest.

“Have you seen her?” the blonde man joked before Ethan could consider the question or how much he despised the phrase "love at first sight." Something coiled in his stomach at the less than innocent smile the man was sending Lilac's neckline. 

His fist clenched at his side, itching to connect with the man's jaw in a swift undercut. 

“Keith,” Griselda chided, also looking thoroughly displeased. 

Keith did a poor job at looking abashed. This did not fly with Natalia, who Ethan liked more and more each minute, because she glared at Keith and scolded him in both English and Spanish. 

“You don't have to answer Nat's question if she asks again, by the way,” Lilac said as her cousins argued.

Ethan said nothing, careful to keep his expression neutral. 

If he were to answer the question, the answer would be a resounding no. His feelings for the beautiful young doctor before him did not arise from their first meeting. As a matter of fact, after the thoracotomy, Ethan had walked away thinking her arrogant and impertinent, just like any other fresh-faced intern eager to impress an attending. Except this intern had done so by flirting with him. 

 Instead, he thought of her hand atop his in the NICU as they watched over Dolores's baby fight for his life; of the comforting hand on his knee as he told her about Naveen; of every kind, warm smile she gifted him with when passing each other in the hallway. 

It had decidedly not been love at first sight. The clichéd expression would never be enough to capture the way his heart ached for her every time he laid eyes on her, each time with much more force. 

“No amount of free alcohol or expensive food should make you feel obligated to act that much,” Lilac laughed, oblivious. Sparkling green eyes met his, taking in his expression. “What?” 

Ethan swallowed. He was unable to decide if he wanted to tell her he was far from acting or if he wanted to pull her close and kiss her. 

“We're leaving,” Griselda announced in a harsh and dramatic whisper as a way to end the ongoing argument. She frantically collected her belongings and rose at once. 

When she realized no one at the table was saddened by the announcement, she marched out of the restaurant with Keith at her heels. As soon as she was gone, Natalia cackled. 

“Well, that was one of the better Grinch-elda dinners.”

Sebastian threw Ethan an appreciative smile. “It appears Doctor Ramsey is the only one who can tame her. She finally met her match.”

“That was her tame?” 

The cousins laughed. 

After a final round of drinks, Natalia and Sebastian announced that they too had to depart. When they were out the door, Lilac exhaled and relaxed for the first time all evening. 

“Thank—” 

But Ethan shook his head, interrupting. “Don't mention it, Rookie.”

Lilac gave him a single nod and when she couldn't stand the heat of their eyes on one another’s, she averted her gaze to readjust the front of her dress. 

Soon they would each be going their separate ways and this brief fantasy would really be over. 

With a pang, he realized he didn't want it to be. 

“Lilac?” 

“Hmm?” 

Her eyes met his and Ethan forgot all coherence, not that he knew what exactly he planned to say anyway. Rosy, plush lips commanded his attention and Ethan leaned in, determined to feel them against his again. 

Lilac moved too, until their breaths mingled together, the distance separating them as insignificant as the million reasons they deemed this a bad idea.

They were so close now, Ethan's hand moving to the dip of her waist. She whispered his name, a silent invitation, and the last remnants of restraint vanished. 

“Oh shit. Sorry—” 

Natalia halted at their table, slightly out of breath, nose and cheeks rosy from the cold. Lilac and Ethan sprang apart, which only made Natalia wince apologetically. 

“I'm so sorry to interrupt but I can't believe I forgot to tell you. We're all spending New Year's Eve in Griselda's cabin in Vermont. It’s going to be this but ten times worse so we need all the backup we can get.”

Lilac tensed visibly next to him. 

“You two should come.”

Author’s Note: If you made it this far, thank you! 

I decided Lilac’s family nickname is Lilita because Latin American families do that all the time. For example, my cousin’s name is Teresa and they call her Teresita (in diminutive form with the -ita/-ito). Which is hilarious to me because they make the names longer rather than shorter. They do that with own full name too, lol. I love it. 

Anyway: Hopefully, my inspiration doesn’t vanish for a part 2! 

Happy Holidays to everyone! 

Tags: @openheart12​ , @takeharryandgo​ , @trappedinfanfiction​, @aestheticartsx​, @aworldoffandoms​, @paulfwesley​, @myusualnerdyself​,  @rookie-ramsey​, @ohchoices​,  @enmchoices​, @i-bloody-love-drake-walker​, @choicesfanaf​, @openheartthot​, @octobereighth​, @nazarihoe​, @utterlyinevitable​, @kites-in-our-skies​, @maurine07​, @schnitzelbutterfingers​, @doilooklikeiknow​, @snesdudes​, @kingliam2019​, @perriewinklenerdie​, @cinnamonspongecake​, , @queencarb​, @ethxnrxmsey​, @missmiimiie​, @jens-diamondchoices​, @adamsdumortain​, @apphia12​, @kalogh​, @lucy-268​, @binny1985​, @queenbirbs​, @honeyandsunfl0wers​, @newcolonies​, @lilyvalentine​, @rigatonireid​, @interobanginyourmom​, @parkerattano​, @custaroonie​, @nikki-2406, @lilypills​, @chasingrobbie​, @nooruleman​,  @lonely-mxxnlight​, @ruinedbypixels​, @shadynaturehilariouscookie​, @tsrookie​, @mvalentine​, @professorkingslay​, @drakewalkerfantasy​, @casey-v​, @helloblueeyedcat​, @mysticaurathings​, @blossomanarchy​, @thegreentwin​, @togetherwearerapture​, @rookieoh​,  @rookiemarsswiftie​, @natashajaniphilchoices​, @mysticalgalaxysstuff​, @hatescapsicum​, @choices-lurker​, @kiara-36​, @junehiratas​, @danijimenezv​, @macy-ray85​, @adrex04​, @canigetanawwjunk​, @sanchita012​, @overwhelminglyaquarius​ , @scorpiochick8​, @skylarklyon​, @starrystarrytrouble​, @mercury84choices​, @drariellevalentine​, @ethanrcmsey​,  @aarisa-frost​,  @udishaman​, @a-crepusculo​, @quacksonlover​, @caroldxnvxrs​, @ramseyandrys​, @whatchique​​, @openheartfanfics​​@varikasnuori​, @dimitriwife​​, @genevievemd​​, @shanzay44​​, @fabi-en-ciel​​, @trebondialanna​​, @lady-calypso​​, @ashiiknees​​, @dr-ramseys-rookie​​, @stygianflood​​, @bellcat2010​​, @iemcpbchoices​​,  @emotionalswift2,  @lion-ess24,

[astro-rain]

delicate; b.barnes

chapter six - “lake, the sequel”

delicate masterlist

word count: 1.7k

synopsis: reader seeks out bucky after his dramatic exit and they find themselves earnestly conversing... back at the lake

pairings: bucky barnes x fem!reader

[A/N]: this story is available on my wattpad as a bucky x OC fic @ / typicaldaze :)

He didn't like this feeling. No, he didn't like this feeling at all. He hated it, in fact. It was betrayal, bodily betrayal. He just could not sit in that room any longer or he would've peeled his skin off. His lungs felt as if they were bound with barbed wire and the state of his stomach had him worried he was going to throw up. Most of all he felt guilty. How could he have just stormed out of the room like that? She was going to hate him now. How could he let this happen?

He was thinking this over whilst sitting at the lake, hands in the grass, trying to distract the physical body from the mental cacophony he had just endured. He had somehow found his way there after leaving Y/N. These extremely unpleasant sensations were unfamiliar. Was he sick? Could he have been drugged? He was so confused. Bucky realized he seemed to be confused most of the time. Following that realization, he became mildly pissed off.

The super soldier stared out at the lake. It was a calm day, the water tranquil and clear. It was a stark contrast against his stress. He leaned forward and looked into the water at his reflection.

"Damn," he said out loud.

Is that really what I look like now?

His eyes traced over the long shaggy hair, dark under eyes, and the subtle but noticeable worry lines. This sight reminded him of when he broke the mirror at his old place in Bucharest. Now he remembered why. God, he looked as fucked up as he was. He leaned back and tossed a stone at where his reflection had been.

A deep sigh left his lungs, which were now conveniently working properly.

"Fuckers," he muttered, referring to the mercurial organs.

He had spent nearly two years alone in Bucharest, and he had grown accustomed to living in this new body. He was always on edge, that much he could tell. However, he was never too introspective; he never thought about his feelings or his behavior. All he was focused on was surviving. When there is more to life than survival, that's when things get complicated... not that they weren't complicated before. God, he was running in circles inside his own mind. His scarred and ruined and manipulated mind that resided in this body that was used as a tool for destruction and violence and death-

"Hey."

His head whipped around, startled out of his thought frenzy. Always on edge. Mentally, he shook his head in disappointment.

"Oh! (Y/N)!"

He stood up immediately. "Listen, I'm so sorry about before, I don't know what-"

"It's okay," she said quickly, holding up her hands. "Bucky, you do not need to apologize, everything is totally fine."

He was taken aback. Words didn't seem to work.

"I'm not mad if that's what you were thinking," she said.

"You're not?"

"No, of course not. If anything I was worried."

"I- Worried?"

"Yes, you were clearly in distress, and that room was the last place you wanted to be. I'm glad you found your way back here because you look much better now," (Y/N) explained with earnest eyes.

She could tell he was freaked out? She probably thinks he's insane.

"Yeah, I... I think I'm better now."

He was far from okay, but definitely better than before.

The psychologist sat down next to where he was standing. He didn't move, but looked down at her.

"I don't think it'd be wise to leave you alone here considering you're supposed to be in a session with me right now and you can't go anywhere without an escort. It would most likely lead to suspicion and then trouble you don't need. I'm going to stay with you. We can continue the session if you'd like, but if not we can just sit."

She said this all while looking straight forward at the water.

In all honesty he wasn't sure what to say, so he settled with a breathy, "Okay," before sitting down next to her.

"I'm getting the vibe that this is more of a just sit situation..."

"Yeah... I think I'm all therapy-ed out for today," Bucky said in a meek attempt at a joke.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw a wide smile. He then realized that she didn't know he could see it, and that's why this smile seemed different. Most differents in Bucky's life hadn't been outstandingly pleasant. But this was a welcome different. This was a good different. It was genuine and unbridled. That was the most open he'd ever seen her.

Every now and then he forgot that he was a literal trained super spy. He may not have any PhD's, but he had his own way of reading behavior, cues, and subtleties. Perhaps he'd make an effort to be more observant. Perhaps he wanted to learn a little more about what else was behind this new different.

A few beats of comfortable silence passed before he heard the word again.

"Hey," (Y/N) started softly. "I'm sorry if I went a little too far today. I know I said our first session wouldn't be much, but I realize I was pushing too far."

"Oh, it's okay," Bucky replied, looking down at the grass between his knees. "I think it's more my fault anyway. It's not like the questions were super intense."

He let out a loaded sigh. "I don't know what's wrong with me."

"Bucky it's really okay. If it's anyone's fault it's mine. This whole process is supposed to be based on your comfort levels and at your own pace. And there's nothing wrong with you. Your reaction was completely normal given the circumstances."

Bucky wasn't terribly familiar with reassurance. He turned his head, looking at her dead on. She was so genuine, like she knew all of what she was saying was the all encompassing truth.

Echoes of different combinations of "there's nothing wrong with you" and "completely normal" and "your own pace" flitted around inside him until they melted into a feeling he hadn't felt in so long: hope. It was horrifying... yet it gave him a kind of relief he didn't know he could feel.

The super soldier then realized that (Y/N) was looking right back at him dead on. He was about to stumble through some sort of apology for staring or thankful expression for her kindness, but he noticed that she didn't look like she was necessarily waiting for a response. She was just... looking.

Bucky tried to say something, anything. But he just couldn't seem to pull his eyes away. In this brief moment, he felt crystallized. His conscious, logical brain was somewhere far away, hypnotized by the stillness of the moment. It was only a few seconds, but somehow felt longer. These very few seconds of mental sedation were soon over.

Speak, idiot.

He snapped back to reality, suddenly finding himself inspecting at the grass below him.

"Thank you."

"Of course," she replied without missing a beat. Her tone of voice was water soft.

"(Y/N), do you... do you know what happened with me earlier?" he asked, cautiously. "Like, what was wrong- I mean, not wrong but why I-"

He sighed frustratingly, cutting himself off.

Her face was patient, but she was waiting for a description of something he didn't know how to describe.

"I know I said we were done for today, but I-I don't know how to explain it, and I want to know what it is," he confessed.

"I think you had an anxiety attack."

Anxiety? That couldn't be right. There's no way that could've been from being nervous.

"What?" he asked incredulously.

"Anxiety. It seemed as though you were experiencing high amounts of anxiety. Most people get nervous at times, but those tiny amounts are normal. But, some other people are a lot more nervous a lot more of the time. Sometimes, these peoples' anxiety can get particularly high and be so overwhelming that their body kinda takes over, and they can experience really uncomfortable physical symptoms, and this can turn into an anxiety attack."

"I thought I was... sick or... or drugged or something."

"Well, I'm almost certain you weren't drugged, and I'm pretty sure you can't even get sick."

"Oh."

He honestly didn't know what to say.

"Bucky," she looked straight at him again and he almost felt himself slipping. "In terms of psychology, a lot has progressed since the 40's. I'm not sure how anxiety was presented or studied then, but there's really a lot more to it than people think. And honestly, given your situation, it would be strange if you didn't develop an anxiety disorder."

Anxiety disorder?

"Anxiety disorder? I have that?"

"Well, again, I think we have to do more work to confirm, but that's what it seems like."

"I thought you said I had PTSD?"

"I do. I think you have both."

Christ.

"Wow, I'm a whole sack 'a problems, aren't I?" he chuckled, giving up on trying to internally oppose his short comings.

"You're not a problem, Buck. You had to deal with a whole sack of problems, though," she smiled.

The nickname didn't miss his radar. Was that the first time she's called him that? He ignored how he liked it.

"That's for damn sure."

They conversed for a while after that, and didn't seem to notice how late it was until the sun began to set. The ending day's reflection on the water created an aura so relaxing Bucky didn't want to move. But alas, reality calls.

(Y/N) stood up. "If you're not back soon, they'll start looking for you. We should probably get going."

Bucky stood up, too, following her request.

"I'll walk you back to your quarters," she offered.

And so they went, conversation continuing naturally, as if they were old friends. Bucky found it strange that someone he knew so little was so easy to talk to. He brushed it off as some inherent therapist quality.

He still found her hard to read although he knew her more with each passing word between them.

Despite all of this, the walk back, with cool air, a melting sky, and languid steps, was the best thing he had experienced since coming out of cryo. His memory may be spotty, and his mind may be rough, but this, this he was sure of.

[theadventuresofamuslimrevert]

Losing a loved one is one of the major trials of life many of us will encounter. Grief from that loss is a natural reaction that takes a different trajectory for different people. Some people describe grief as a dark fog that is difficult to shake, others speak of the suffocating regret and anxiety that often accompany those feelings, still others speak about grief as waves that rise up and subside at different points.

“And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient, Who, when disaster strikes them, say, “Indeed we belong to Allah , and indeed to Him we will return.” Those are the ones upon whom are blessings from their Lord and mercy. And it is those who are the guided.” [Quran; 2:155-157]

Sometimes people are expect to follow a particular timeline of grief, but the reality is that the journey of grief is different for everyone. Counsellors and bereavement supporters often speak about the five stages of grief that were popularized in the famous book On Death and Dying by psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross namely: denial (as you begin to come to terms with the reality of the situation, denial begins to fade and difficult feelings may begin to surface), anger/anxiety (anger is the body’s natural reaction to threat and, oftentimes, there is no greater threat than the loss of someone you love or the loss of the way you envisioned life would be. Anger can also feel powerful during times when we feel powerless. You may experience nervousness, heart palpitations, restlessness, irritability, and/or difficulty breathing), bargaining (this stage often includes “If only…” statements due to the feelings of regret that come up with loss. This stage is characterized by an overwhelming desire for life to return to the way it was), depression (you might feel down and cry more often than you usually do. It may also feel like you have less motivation and find less enjoyment in activities you used to love. This stage can feel as though it’ll stretch on forever) and acceptance (it involves accepting the reality that this person is physically gone and that this new reality is the permanent reality. Acceptance does not mean that you’re “ok” with what happened. The loss of someone you love will likely never feel ok. The goal in this stage is to learn how to live with this loss and create a new normal despite the huge piece that is missing). However, recent research and understanding has concluded that grief can be an individualized and unpredictable experience and no two people’s experiences will be the same.

Let us look at some advice in the Quran and Sunnah to help us cope with grief and the loss of a loved one:

Shed tears as much as you want, but don’t let the tongue say what may displease Allah

Our Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) experienced grief at many points of his life, often at the loss of loved ones. During these experiences he taught us that grief is a natural emotion and that Allah does not hold us accountable for expressing sadness and pain in a permissible manner. Sadness does not negate the acceptance of Allah’s decree which is the very center of a believer’s journey in grief.

Narrated Anas bin Malik: We went with Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) (p.b.u.h) to the blacksmith Abu Saif, and he was the husband of the wet-nurse of Ibrahim (the son of the Prophet). Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) took Ibrahim and kissed him and smelled him and later we entered Abu Saif’s house and at that time Ibrahim was in his last breaths, and the eyes of Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) (p.b.u.h) started shedding tears. `Abdur Rahman bin `Auf said, “O Allah’s Apostle, even you are weeping!” He said, “O Ibn `Auf, this is mercy.” Then he wept more and said, “The eyes are shedding tears and the heart is grieved, and we will not say except what pleases our Lord, O Ibrahim ! Indeed we are grieved by your separation.” [Hadith; Sahih al-Bukhari 1303]

We see the intensity of these emotions in the Prophet Yaʿqub عليه السلام when he was separated from his son Yusuf عليه السلام and he grieved so deeply that his eyes turned white (it’s said that he lost his sight) due to the extent to which he cried. His intense grief is expressed in the Qur’an (after all those years of losing his son) yet he was called to have beautiful patience (sabrun jameel):

And he turned away from them and said, “Oh, my sorrow over Joseph,” and his eyes became white from grief, for he was a suppressor. [Quran; 12:84]

Accept that all of us belong to Allah and all of us will return to Him

As we see from the hadith above where the Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) was coping with grief, patience in Islam does not mean that we do not cry and that we do not express our emotions. What is forbidden is wailing and slapping one’s cheeks which was the culture at that time (the Arabs – women in particular – used to scream and wail during funerals or at someone’s death). As the Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) said the eyes shed tears and the heart is grieved but the tongue only says what is acceptable to Allah.

Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) said, “The example of a believer is that of a fresh tender plant; from whatever direction the wind comes, it bends it, but when the wind becomes quiet, it becomes straight again. Similarly, a believer is afflicted with calamities (but he remains patient till Allah removes his difficulties.) And an impious wicked person is like a pine tree which keeps hard and straight till Allah cuts (breaks) it down when He wishes.” [Hadith; Sahih al-Bukhari 5644]

Make dua for yourself

As human beings, we attempt to cope with negative emotions in different ways. We often attempt to push away difficult emotions because they make us feel uncomfortable as it’s a painful process to sit with these feelings. We may try to distract ourselves or put on a fake smile. Some may even self-medicate through the use of drugs or alcohol to alleviate the pain they are feeling. When we are unable to grieve fully and an experience becomes a source of trauma, we are thrust into survival mode, which shuts down the executive functioning part of our brain and prevents us from thinking clearly. This is why we may react to situations in unhealthy ways or do things during times of stress that we would not have done during times of ease. This is one reason why some people struggle to worship Allah during times of extreme stress. When the “danger activation center” part of our brain is dominant, there is a decrease in self-awareness, our capacity to self-evaluate, and our ability to establish goals. All of these require advanced thought processes, which are very difficult to sustain during times of extreme stress. In order for any activity to help, our brain needs to register it. Research has shown an association between prayer and the ability to re-engage the “thinking” part of our brains.

Umm Salama, the wife of the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ), reported Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) as saying:If any servant (of Allah) who suffers a calamity says:” We belong to Allah and to Him shall we return; O Allah, reward me for my affliction and give me something better than it in exchange for it,” ‘ Allah will give him reward for affliction, and would give him something better than it in exchange. She (Umm Salama) said: When Abu Salama died. I uttered (these very words) as I was commanded (to do) by the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ). So Allah gave me better in exchange than him. i. e. (I was taken as the wife of) the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ). [Hadith; Sahih Muslim 918 b]

When I lost my baby son Hamza, I remember one of my close friends messaged me this dua and reminded me to keep reciting it. I had not really known that dua at that time but I am so grateful for friends who guided me to the right words to say at such a confusing and overwhelming time when I almost lost my faith as a revert.

Stay among people who love you and would support you through this difficult journey

It is quite common to be engulfed by grief with the death of a loved one. However, one must not dwell in it much heaven knows i did but i soon realised this sends an invitation to Shaytan to become your company. Let the death of a loved be a lesson of detaching from Dunya and to hold Allah (glorified and exalted be he) in your heart above all others.

The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) visited Sa’d bin ‘Ubadah during his illness. He was accompanied by ‘Abdur-Rahman bin ‘Auf, Sa’d bin Abu Waqqas and ‘Abdullah bin Mas’ud (May Allah be pleased with them). The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) began to weep. When his Companions saw this, their tears also started flowing. He (ﷺ) said, “Do you not hear, Allah does not punish for the shedding of tears or the grief of the heart, but punishes or bestows mercy for the utterances of this (and he pointed to his tongue).” [Hadith; Riyad as-Salihin 925]

Remember that your patience is being rewarded more than you can imagine

These are words you should say even when you feel sad at the memory of a loss you faced in the past or when you miss your loved one or the life you had planned with them.

Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) said, “Allah says, ‘I have nothing to give but Paradise as a reward to my believer slave, who, if I cause his dear friend (or relative) to die, remains patient (and hopes for Allah’s Reward). [Hadith; Sahih al-Bukhari 6424]

Stay away from questioning Qadr of Allah (asking: why me? or if only!)

Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said: ‘A slave (of Allah) shall not believe until he believes in Al-Qadar, its good and its bad, such that he knows that what struck him would not have missed him, and that what missed him would not have struck him.” [Hadith; Tirmidhi 2144]

Often one of the ways, Shaitan attacks us at times of calamity or a loss is to overwhelm us with questions of what if and why me? How did this happen? Would it have been prevented if I had just done this or that or gone to the hospital earlier or taken this or that medical intervention?? I blamed myself for my sons death so much over the last year (he passed away 25/07/2020) but after reading the following in last few weeks I've become to realise there was nothing I could do to prevent it as it was Allah's will.

“The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said: ‘The strong believer is better and more beloved to Allah than the weak believer, although both are good. Strive for that which will benefit you, seek the help of Allah, and do not feel helpless. If anything befalls you, do not say, “if only I had done such and such” rather say “Qaddara Allahu wa ma sha’a fa’ala (Allah has decreed and whatever he wills, He does).” For (saying) ‘If’ opens (the door) to the deeds of Satan.'” [Hadith; Ibn Majah 79]

These are some of the words my midwife told me to say when I heard the news of my baby passing away in my womb after 25weeks of pregnancy I am forever grateful to her for reminding me this at that trying time. Reminding ourselves we all have a path and a time to meet Allah and it is not the time be battling with the what if questions you are bombarded yourself with. I am grateful to Allah (swt) for giving me people in my life who were able to remind me of the right words to say and the right approach at such a difficult time. Remind yourself: whatever happened was decreed by Allah and nothing you or someone else did or did not do could have changed it. Focusing on the factors within your control, rather than on regrets and a desire to return to the less painful past, can help you to get through this stage.

But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not. [Quran; 2:216]

Turning back to our deen and our belief in Qadr is what helped us accept the death as something Allah had decreed at this exact time and this exact situation and there is nothing we could have done to have changed that. Changing the past is not feasible so channeling our energy into something unchangeable is a recipe for intense pain. Instead of “What if…” Focus on “What is…”: The one thing we consistently have within our control is what we choose to do with the present moment. Shifting our focus away from regrets of the past and worries about the future allows us to take advantage of the present moment. Allah (swt) talks about this attitude of remorse in the Quran:

O you who have believed, do not be like those who disbelieved and said about their brothers when they traveled through the land or went out to fight, “If they had been with us, they would not have died or have been killed,” so Allah makes that a regret within their hearts. And it is Allah who gives life and causes death, and Allah is Seeing of what you do. [Quran; 3:156]

Instead, turn to Allah and open your heart to Him

Death can serve as a reminder to those left behind about the temporariness of this life and the importance of working for our next lives. It forces us to reflect on what is meaningful and what is important. Turn to Allah and pour your heart out to Him, talk to Him about your pain, cry out to Him and ask Him to calm your heart and heal your pain. Ask Him to reunite you with your loved one in Jannah. Ask Him to give you strength and peace. When Prophet Yaqub (عَلَيْهِ السَّلَام) cried so much that he lost his eyesight after all those years of losing his son, his elder sons said:

They said, “By Allah , you will not cease remembering Joseph until you become fatally ill or become of those who perish.” He said, “I only complain of my suffering and my grief to Allah , and I know from Allah that which you do not know. O my sons, go and find out about Joseph and his brother and despair not of relief from Allah . Indeed, no one despairs of relief from Allah except the disbelieving people.” [Quran: 12:85-87]

Turn to Allah in sincere dua. No one else can heal your pain and give peace to your heart.

اللَّهُمَّ مُصَرِّفَ الْقُلُوبِ صَرِّفْ قُلُوبَنَا عَلَى طَاعَتِكَ

Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) said: “Verily, the hearts of all the sons of Adam are between the two fingers out of the fingers of the Compassionate Lord as one heart. He turns that to any (direction) He likes. Then Allahs Messenger (ﷺ) said: 0 Allah, the Turner of the hearts, turn our hearts to Thine obedience.” [Hadith; Sahih Muslim 265]

Journal to face and deal with your emotions so you don’t become hopeless

Writing to process your feelings is another helpful technique to help deal with your emotions and your grief ive found this out this week from advice from a sister who lost her father recently. She said that Writing out your thoughts and confusions will help sort them out, journals about your feelings from day to day, use gratitude journalings to focus on the blessings even at such difficult times, write letters to your loved one as if you are talking to them. All of this helps deal with the emotions and grief just as talking or counselling does as well.

“And that to your Lord is the finality. And that it is He who makes laugh and weep.” [Quran; 53:42-43]

Find meaning / gratitude in your life again and create the required changes

Grief expert, David Kessler says, “meaning comes through finding a way to sustain your love for the person after their death while you’re moving forward with your life. Loss is simply what happens to you in life. Meaning is what you make happen.”

It was narrated that Ibn ‘Abbas said: “When a young daughter of the Messenger of Allah was dying, the Messenger of Allah picked her up and held her to his chest, then he put his hand on her, and she died in front of the Messenger of Allah. Umm Ayman wept and the Messenger of Allah said ‘Oh Umm Ayman, do you weep while the Messenger of Allah is with you?’ She said: ‘Why shouldn’t I weep when the Messenger of Allah is weeping.” So the Messenger of Allah ﷺ said “Verily, I am not weeping. Rather it is compassion.’ Then the Messenger of Allah ﷺ said: ‘The believer is fine whatever the situation; even when his soul is being pulled from his body and he praises Allah, the Mighty and Sublime”‘ [Hadith; Sunan an-Nasa’i 1843]

Finding meaning cannot erase your grief; pain is a natural reaction to intense loss. However, it can help you move forward. The loss of someone or something dear to you can often lead to reevaluating your priorities in life. Allowing this loss to push you toward positive changes in your life is one of the most profound ways of creating meaning. Gratitude is one of the qualities of a believer. Gratitude is tied closely to the concept of patience. The Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) said:

Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) said: Strange are the ways of a believer for there is good in every affair of his and this is not the case with anyone else except in the case of a believer for if he has an occasion to feel delight, he thanks (God), thus there is a good for him in it, and if he gets into trouble and shows resignation (and endures it patiently), there is a good for him in it. [Hadith; Sahih Muslim 2999]

Gratitude is also an attitude during adversity. Although difficult to see, there are always blessings that accompany a difficult time. Look for the blessings and ease that Allah has brought with this difficulty. May be things were easier than they could have been, may be there were eases in other areas of your life, may be this test drew you closer to Allah (swt), may be it allowed you to reflect on the reality of your life and allowed you to give more in charity, may be it became a means of wiping away your sins and earning you reward.

The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said, “When a man’s child dies, Allah, the Exalted, asks His angels, ‘Have you taken out the life of the child of My slave?’ and they reply in the affirmative. He (SWT) then asks, ‘Have you taken the fruit of his heart?’ and they reply in the affirmative. Thereupon He asks, ‘What did my slave say?’ They say: ‘He praised You and said: Inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi raji’un (We belong to Allah and to Him we shall return).’ Allah says: ‘Build a house for my slave in Jannah and name it Baitul-Hamd (the House of Praise).”‘ [Hadith; Riyad as-Salihin 922]

Know that sadness doesn’t last forever even if the memories do

“For indeed, with hardship ease. Indeed, with hardship ease.” [Quran; 94:6]

Remember this promise of Allah. Remember that every moment of sadness and pain, no matter how overwhelming, is a part of the process of healing. Instead of focusing on the stretch of days ahead of you with this loss feeling like a looming storm cloud over your future, focus on the one step you can take today to get through the day. When experiencing feelings of depression, putting one foot in front of the other can make a huge difference. Get adequate sleep and eat healthy. Your body and well-being are an amānah from Allah that you need to take care of. Find time to decompress, however that might work for you. For some people this may include praying, making dua, reading, art, working out, or engaging in a hobby.

It was narrated that Ibn ‘Umar said: “I was with the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) and a man from among the Ansar came to him and greeted the Prophet (ﷺ) with Salam. Then he said: ‘O Messenger of Allah, which of the believers is best?’ He said: ‘He who has the best manners among them.’ He said: ‘Which of them is wisest?’ He said: ‘The one who remembers death the most and is best in preparing for it. Those are the wisest.’” [Hadith; Ibn Majah 160]

Go through happy memories you experienced with them and remember your loved one in good words

Narrated Abu Al-Aswad: I came to Medina when an epidemic had broken out. While I was sitting with `Umar bin Al-Khattab a funeral procession passed by and the people praised the deceased. `Umar said, “It has been affirmed to him.” And another funeral procession passed by and the people praised the deceased. `Umar said, “It has been affirmed to him.” A third (funeral procession) passed by and the people spoke badly of the deceased. He said, “It has been affirmed to him.” I (Abu Al-Aswad) asked, “O chief of the believers! What has been affirmed?” He replied, “I said the same as the Prophet (ﷺ) had said, that is: if four persons testify the piety of a Muslim, Allah will grant him Paradise.” We asked, “If three persons testify his piety?” He (the Prophet) replied, “Even three.” Then we asked, “If two?” He replied, “Even two.” [Hadith; Sahih al-Bukhari 1368]

Remembering the happy times you had with your deceased loved ones can be a bittersweet experience. Many will talk about how this can have a healing effect, others mention how it rekindles the pain in their heart. Sometimes different reactions may also depend on where you are on your grief journey. Remembering the good times you had with your loved one can help you in dealing with the grief and with slowly learning to remember them without always feeling the pain of separation. Reminding yourself that you still have hope of reuniting with them in the hereafter is another way to help you process the pain you are feeling.

It was narrated that ‘Aishah said: “Something bad was said in the presence of the Prophet about a person who had died. He said: ‘Do not say anything but good about your dead.”‘ [Hadith; Sunan an-Nasa’i 1935]

Make dua for your loved one and give charity on their behalf

Messenger of Allah(ﷺ) said: “A man will be raised in status in Paradise and will say: ‘Where did this come from?’ And it will be said: ‘From your son’s praying for forgiveness for you.'” [Hadith; Sunan Ibn Majah 3660]

Channel your grief in a productive way and think about what you can do for your loved one now. One of the ways we can benefit our deceased loved ones is by making sincere dua for them. We can also benefit our deceased loved ones by giving charity on their behalf.

The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said, “When a man dies, his deeds come to an end except for three things: Sadaqah Jariyah (ceaseless charity); a knowledge which is beneficial, or a virtuous descendant who prays for him (for the deceased).” [Hadith; Riyad as-Salihin 1383]

Seek help and support others

Seek social support, go to counselling and therapy, talk to friends about how you feel. Attend a bereavement group if you can so you can see how others in your situation are coping. Check Children of Jannah or Eternal Gardens for bereavement support. One major indicator that someone needs professional help is if they demonstrate an impaired ability to function in their day-to-day life with their family, at work, socially, emotionally, and sometimes spiritually. Again, this doesn’t mean that the person is mentally ill, but that they would likely benefit from talking to someone with expertise in the field of mental health.

Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) said, “A Muslim is a brother of another Muslim, so he should not oppress him, nor should he hand him over to an oppressor. Whoever fulfilled the needs of his brother, Allah will fulfill his needs; whoever brought his (Muslim) brother out of a discomfort, Allah will bring him out of the discomforts of the Day of Resurrection, and whoever screened a Muslim, Allah will screen him on the Day of Resurrection.” [Hadith; Sahih al-Bukhari 2442]

The aim of ta’ziyah is to strengthen the broken-hearted and give them hope at a time when their hope may be waning; it is to lighten the load of the bereaved. After the intense sadness of losing someone you care for deeply, you have the unique ability to empathize with the struggles others face in similar circumstances. Here are some things you can do for grieving families: Spend time with them without imposing yourself as a guest and expecting them to host you with food and drink. Offer to help by buying groceries, doing household chores, or watching their children.

The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said: Prepare food for the family of Ja’far for there came upon them an incident which has engaged them. [Hadith; Sunan Abi Dawud 3132]

Do what helps you through your journey of grief. Remember no two journeys are the same, so listen to your heart and give it what it needs. Sometimes you may need time to be alone, sometimes you may need to be around others you love. Sometimes you may need to talk about them, sometimes you may just need to sit quietly with your own thoughts. May Allah heal your pain, calm your heart and reunite you with your loved one in the hereafter.

I hope this helps who ever needs it see this right now...

Rest in peace my beautiful son Hamza until we meet again in jannah 🤲🤲

[peterprkrsbtch]

sapphire - part 2

Peter Parker x reader

A/n: Part 1 is up on my page! There’s a couple flashbacks in this one so I put the dates before so it doesn’t get confusing. If you enjoy this one, like or reblog to share! I already wrote part 3 and it’s my favorite one yet so that’ll def be up soon :)

tag- @juliannaamonroe​

Warnings: swearing, make out, violence

(September 1)

We’re one minute away. Come out hoe!

You smile as you read the text, glancing at yourself in the mirror again, nerves and excitement ablaze in your stomach. You’d been planning for this day since last winter, and now it was finally here. You adjust your carefully styled hair and double check that the natural makeup you applied was sitting on your skin correctly.

Of course it was. That goddamn injection sometimes made you feel like a vampire out of twilight and sometimes you still got surprised when you saw your own face while passing a mirror or a particularly reflective window. You smooth down the ruffles of your short black skirt and tug the top of your tank top down so a bit more of your curves show.

You put on your white sneakers and tug your shirt back up to cover your chest again. We’ll have to work up to that, I guess. A long honk sounds from outside your apartment building and you curse as you scramble to grab your backpack and phone before running down and out the front steps.

“Awwww,” You say sweetly at the sight of the two girls who had become your best friends. “That’s the shirt you were wearing when we met, Ally.” You jokingly brush away a tear, pretending to be ultra touched.

“Best damn day of my life.” Ally says from her spot in the drivers seat, laughing at your dramatics. She may be joking around, but her sentiment makes your heart clench. This year really was going to be different.

***

(July 3)

You quickly realized you needed to find some Midtown friends if your plan for senior year was going to work. If you dared to show up looking, well, like you do, completely alone and friendless, you might become even more of an outcast than you were before. The first month of summer had been the least lonely time of your year so far, thanks to a certain Spiderman.

The two of you spent most of your nights together, flying through the city, fighting crime together, and talking. The “slow” nights that used to fill you with boredom quickly became your favorite when he was involved. The sound of his laugh and the jokes he makes during fights quickly became the highlight of your days.

But you couldn’t let yourself get too distracted by him. After all, neither of you knew what the other looked like. The only other boy you’d ever found remotely cute (other than celebrities) was nerdy Peter Parker from your high school. He wasn’t your usual type and he seemed to be just as shy as you were, so you had little (zero) hope that it would ever lead to anything more than a smile during the hallway if you accidentally made eye contact.

Sorry Spiderman, but no way in hell are you gonna make me lose my focus. The loneliness you had felt through the last three years of high school was too much. Your plan had to work. So that night as the two of you patrolled together, you softly mentioned that you were going to a pool party tomorrow and wouldn’t be able to meet.

He seemed a bit disappointed, but you brushed it off, trying to remember the names of the girls at your school who seemed nice. Peter, however, couldn’t focus on anything other than the fact that you had told him where you would be tomorrow. There was only so many pool parties in a city like New York.

You tried not to think about who was under the Spiderman mask out of respect and, to be honest, it seemed like a pointless endeavor. Peter was not the same. No matter how tired he was from patrol, he always had time to lay awake before he fell asleep and picture what you would look like under the mask.

There wasn’t very many people who understood Peter’s secret life. None, actually, until you. Maybe that was why he was so intrigued by you, because you were so similar, but in his heart he knew that wasn’t it. He liked you. And he hated himself for it. But once you mentioned the pool party, he made sure to take one long last glance at the color of your hair before you two said goodbye. Just in case he happened to see that same hair tomorrow.

(July 4)

You were so, so nervous. Your closet of exclusively sweats and hoodies was trashed as Part 1 of your plan, much to your mother’s happiness. She had always been honest about her hatred of your junior year clothes and was extremely excited to purchase everything you needed. As distant as she was, you had to give her a little credit.

Although you’d been wearing the new clothes for the past month, this was the first time you were doing it so publicly. Your denim shorts exposed miles of smooth leg, and you’d decided to wear a red tube top in honor of the holiday-not to mention it really showed off your curves. You’d meticulously done your hair and makeup like you’d been practicing the past month and prayed that somebody would talk to you today.

You’d seen the flyer for the Fourth of July party on Instagram, which had been step 2. Unfortunately, you had two followers. Your mom and her boyfriend. Step 2 is a work in progress.

One long walk later, and you’re in front of the address. You swear you could explode of nerves right there, but instead you take a deep breath and force your legs to carry you inside the house and towards the people out by the pool.

Your eyes are so focused on your destination, the glass sliding door, that you barely notice when you bump shoulders with someone, causing you to drop your phone.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry. I wasn’t looking where I was going.” You say, reaching down to grab your phone.

“Oh my god, stop. That was totally my fault.” You stand back up to see the girl who was speaking, and you recognize her immediately. Her name is Ally, and she’s a part of the most popular group at school. Despite her long black hair and sweet smile, you haven’t heard many good things about her. Not the type of person you were looking for.

“Do you go to Midtown? I don’t think I’ve seen you around.” Ally says, making no move to walk away from the conversation.

“Yeah, actually. My name is Y/n?” You don’t miss the way her eyebrows raise and her eyes widen with confusion and shock. You’re embarrassed now, realizing maybe you weren’t as invisible as you’d thought. In an effort to explain away the last few years, “My dad left a couple years ago and it was pretty hard on me, but I’m all better now.” You flash the most dazzling smile you can manage and hope she accepts it.

“No way, mine did too!” She gasps as she grabs your hands. You feel a small pang of guilt at that. It was a lie, you had no idea who your dad was and frankly, you didn’t think your mom knew either.

The conversation starts to flow between you and Ally easily as you make your way out to the pool. “This is my best friend Betty.” Ally introduces you to the sweet-as-pie girl and the three of you quickly fall into a conversation like you’d known each other forever. A few of their guy friends tried to come up and talk to you, but she just waved them away. “Leave us alone, we just met our new best friend.”

You felt bad for judging Ally so harshly earlier, blindly trusting the stupid rumors you’d heard about her. Popular or not, the three of you got along better than any of the other friends you’d tried to make throughout your life. They do briefly make fun of your instagram before forcing you to take and post pictures with the two of them by the pool. They both tag your account.

Peter didn’t seem to share the good luck you did. He’d dragged Ned to 6 different pool parties across the city and saw no one who looked like Sapphire. Disappointed, he spent the night patrolling alone and dodging fireworks.

***

(September 1)

Since that day, you’d become a trio with Ally and Betty. The day after the pool party you’d woken up to nearly 1,000 followers on your instagram. Everyone from Midtown who never gave you a second look when you had your hood shoved over your head now wanted to be your friend.

The three of you spent the rest of your summer days together, and you fit into the popular friend group better than you could have imagined. Maybe you watched too many teen movies, but you expected them to be mean. The only mean one was Flash, and even he was basically harmless. You’d given up Saturday night patrols with Spiderman for a weekly girls night with your new best friends. You thought having new friends and a bustling social life would’ve made it easier to forget about Spiderman, but somehow he seeped into every area of your life.

That damn laugh. As Ally and Betty sing along to the radio loudly, you bite your lip to stop a dumb smile from rising to your lips. God, just thinking about him made you flustered. As Ally drives into the school parking lot, nerves bubble in your stomach.

As if you aren’t stressed enough, your brain decides this is the perfect moment to remind you of the one night this summer you and Spiderman haven’t talked about since.

*** (August 14)

The two of you were sprawled out on a gravel rooftop next to each other. Not the most comfortable of relaxing spots, but you’d both grown tired of flying around under the summer heat with no hint of trouble for miles.

“This sucks.” Spiderman huffs out.

“Rude.” You reply quickly, even though you know he isn’t talking about you.

“Oh, no,” He immediately sits up. “I didn’t mean you suck, I just meant, you know, because there’s not much going on right now and it’s hot and-” He sees your cheeky smile and stops himself with a laugh. “Sorry.”

“No, it’s cute.” You bite your lip. The fuck did I just say? Before you can begin to explain, he jumps to his feet.

“Spidey sense, let’s go!” You jump up too and follow after him as he jumps off the building. Thank god. I’ve never been so grateful that someone’s in trouble. The fight was tough, even with the both of you. These men had strange guns that keep firing at you and Spiderman even though you’d tried multiple times to crush them with your powers.

“The guns are magic-proof! I can’t destroy them!” You yell over to Spiderman as you take down one of the men in between punches.

Somehow, two men get ahold of their guns and corner you. Just as you start levitating to fly over them, a web shoots from somewhere behind them and the men and their guns are yanked away. Spiderman wastes no time and you swear he seems angry with the two men as he webs them to the wall next to their friends before picking up the guns and violently smashing them on the ground.

You’re still frozen in shock, watching him. When he seems to be satisfied with the broken pile of guns on the floor, he runs back over to you. “I’m so sorry, I know we promised-” You finally break out of whatever trance you were in to place a finger over his lips, casting a disgusted glance towards the men staring at you from their webbed cocoons.

“Not here.” You say quietly, and fly the two of you quickly up to the roof. He blinks for a second, his head spinning from the speed. You rarely use your full speed, especially with him, but you had to get out of there. “Okay, go ahead.” You say after a second of silence.

“I’m so sorry, I know we agreed not to get in each other’s way, and I know you can handle yourself, probably better than I can. Hold on, I didn’t mean I handle you. That sounded weird. Anyways, I just got so angry when I saw those men pointing their guns at you I had to-” He’s talking about the agreement you two had made when you first started working together. You both obviously were skilled, so you agreed that you wouldn’t interrupt each other’s fights unless asked.

“Spidey, I really don’t care you interrupted. It was hot.” JESUS CHRIST NOT AGAIN. You immediately winced and slap a hand over your mouth. “Oh my god I did NOT mean to say that I’m so sorry.”

Your rambling is cut off as Spiderman’s hand travels up to the bottom of his mask and you think your eyes might fall out of your head with how wide they become as he begins to pull it up, revealing the soft pale skin of his neck.

His jaw, chin, and then lips become visible as he lets the mask rest on his nose. The 0.5 seconds that have passed since you stopped talking feel like an eternity until he suddenly leans forward, crashing his lips into yours. Spiderman is an amazing kisser, you decide, as you gently kiss him back.

WHAT AM I DOING? Your mind is going haywire but instead of stopping, you deepen the kiss and nearly smile when he lets out a low moan. Everything you’ve told yourself about focus and distractions flies out the window when his gloved hands clutch your waist and pull you closer to him than you thought possible.

It feels like it’s only been a second when he pulls away, but your eyes flicker to his swollen lips and you know it must have been longer. You smile as you stare at his lips, only inches from yours, but as your gaze moves to the rest of his exposed skin the smile drops slowly.

Your rational mind comes back. It’s easy to forget when you’re with him that you’ve only known each other a couple months. How could you do this? Your first time making out with a boy, and he doesn’t even know your name.

“We shouldn’t be doing this.” You whisper as he starts to say something.  “Sorry, what were you going to say?” He blinks slowly and takes a deep breath before stepping away from you.

“Nevermind. See you tomorrow.” And he swings away from you. You silently curse yourself for being such a big mouth, wanting to know what he would have said. You can’t help the small voice in the back of your head, telling you that you made the wrong decision.

You raise your hand to run your fingers along your tingling lips before flying home as fast as you can.

***

(September 1)

You wince at the painful memory before reminding yourself everything was back to normal the next day and neither of you mentioned it again. You still weren’t sure if that was good or bad. You force all thoughts of Spiderman out of your brain and even give Ally an encouraging cheer when she successfully parks on her first try.

You don’t remember Midtown having so many fucking students last year, but maybe it was because they were all staring at you. Any confidence you’d had as you opened Ally’s car door had disappeared as everyone around you turned to gawk. The bright smile you’d pasted on a second ago quickly fell and you glanced at Ally nervously.

“Come on, girls!” She says enthusiastically, grabbing an arm from you and Betty as she breaks the brief moment of awkward silence. God bless you Ally. As the three of you hoist your bags over your shoulders and make your way into the school, you mouth a quick thank you her way, hoping she can see your genuine appreciation. She smiles at you. “I’m happy we’re going into this year as three instead of two.”

Betty leans forward to smile at you. “Me too, y/n. I’m really happy you’re here.”  You smile back brightly. There really was no one as sweet as Betty.

“You won’t be so happy I’m here when I talk your ear off during class.” The three of you continue laughing and joking your way down the hall to stop at your lockers.

“Oh my god, is that Y/n?” Ned interrupts Peter’s latest ramble about his night with Sapphire. Usually, he really did listen. Ned was fully invested in the superhero love story, as he called it, unfolding. But the sight of a girl notorious for hiding in her own baggy clothes across the hall in a miniskirt and tank top was more important.

“Y/n?” Peter asks, confused why Ned wasn’t paying attention. But when he turned around to see what Ned was staring at, he understood. He’d seen you around school the past three years, but never like this.

You looked like a fucking model. And everyone in the hall couldn’t help but stare. “Holy shit.”

“Right, dude?” Ned breathes out, the two of them shamelessly staring. “Why didn’t that happen to me over summer? Oh my god, of course she’s friends with Betty.”

Peter laughs as his best friend goes on about “two pretty best friends” but he can’t take his eyes off of you. The light in your eyes as you joke with your friends, making them double over in laughter, feels strangely familiar. Or maybe that’s wishful thinking on his part because you’re extremely pretty.

He watches in surprise as you and Ally walk up to the AP Chem classroom, waving goodbye to Betty sadly as she heads off to English. You turn to walk into the classroom after Ally, but you pause and look back down the hallway-right at him. Instead of yelling at him for being a creep like he expected, you smile at him widely before heading into the class. He exhales deeply and glances down at his schedule quickly, a smile appearing. AP Chem.

Of course his thoughts are still consumed by Sapphire, but it was hard to ignore you especially after seeing his name on the seating chart next to yours in the back row. Plus, Sapphire was the one who’d shot him down after he finally tried to make a move after catching onto the hints he thought she’d been dropping.

He felt bad for thinking that about her, he didn’t blame her at all. He knew there was a million reasons they shouldn’t be together-and he didn’t want to know specifics on why he wasn’t good enough. Sapphire hadn’t brought up that night since, and he was fine to pretend it never happened.

You were already in your seat at the lab table, but Ally was still standing next to you waving her hands wildly as you two spoke. He doesn’t want to interrupt so he freezes in place, unsure of whether or not to go sit down. He’d thought you were cute, and a little shy like him in freshman and sophomore year and he remembered the many times he would look at you from across the room like he is now.

His eyes had been quick to find you whenever you two were in the same room ever since the first day of school freshman year when you smiled at him in the hall. Even last year, when all he saw of you was a curled up lump at your desk or a sliver of hair peeking out from behind your hood he still noticed you.

Luckily for him, the bell rings and he slides into his seat just as the teacher begins speaking. “Hi, Peter.” You lean over to him, your shoulders nearly touching, and whisper so the teacher doesn’t hear. “I’m y/n.” You smile warmly as his cheeks and ears turn light pink.

“You don’t have to introduce yourself. We’ve gone to school together since we were 6?” Now it’s your turn to be embarrassed and you purse your lips together.

“No, I know, just-” Peter notices you seem a bit frustrated as you glance around the room and then lean even closer to him. “Everybody thinks I’m new.” You nervously mess with your bracelet.

“You do look a bit different.” He points out and you raise your eyebrows before sighing slowly and shrugging.

“I was just sick of feeling invisible, you know. Not because I care what anyone here thinks. Last year was just, really, really lonely.” Peter watches you intently as you speak, hanging onto your every word.

Your confession made him sad. If only he’d been brave enough to ask if you were okay. You pause for a second and meet his eyes. Any other guy in this school would’ve laughed at you by now. You gesture to your outfit and nervously adjust your skirt. “I’m also not a superficial person. It wasn’t about changing how I looked, I just needed the confidence to put myself out there.” You pause and nod towards Ally with a smile. Peter glances over to Ally and sees her blow you a kiss, which you catch across the room with a giggle.

I miss you! She mouths with a dramatic frown and this time Peter laughs quietly with you. “I thought she was a bitch before I met her.” He looks at you with surprise to find you smiling at him. “But,” you hold up a finger for dramatic effect, “because I put myself out there, I met my best friends. A lot of people around here judge on appearances. I’m not like that anymore.” You say with confidence.

“That’s really cool of you.” Peter whispers back, and the sound sends an involuntary shiver down your spine. He’s so close to you and the feelings you thought you left behind two years ago don’t seem so left behind as you stare into his warm eyes. “For the record, I’d be your friend no matter what you look like.”

Peter has only been this nervous a couple times before in his life, and he can’t help but feel like he’s betraying Sapphire with the way he’s thinking about you. He watches as you smile warmly at his words and extend your hand towards his.

“Friends? Even though I'm so much uglier now?” You pout your bottom lip out, a smile tugging at the corners of your mouth. He nearly laughs out loud and has to remind himself you’re still in class. “I know guys go wild for the homeless man sweatpants look.” You’re both trying to hold back your laughter, shaking silently in the back of the class as he raises his hand and grabs yours.

“Friends.” Peter isn’t sure why he keeps going, but he does. “And just so you know, you were never ugly. I don’t know why you tried so hard to hide yourself last year, but even then,” the words leaving his mouth sound confident but Peter takes a deep breath before looking up from his lap to meet your eyes. Your wide eyes and surprised smile give him just the confidence he needs to finish. “You could never be ugly.” Peter can hear his heart beating.

You blink at him. This boy could not be real. Here he was, basically implying that the one thing you had wanted all along, for somebody to notice you, was true. Not only was it true, but it was Peter fucking Parker telling you this. Despite everything that had changed you in the past year, the giddy feeling in your bones brought you back to sophomore year and pining over Peter.

“Really?” Your smile spreads and he seems to let out a deep breath of relief.

“Yeah.” He smiles back at you until your sweet moment is interrupted by a fat ass syllabus dropping onto the lab table in front of you.

“Fuck,” you whisper. “This class is gonna be so much homework.” You turn the page so Peter can briefly see the list of projects alone, and it’s enough to make him cringe.

Something about the way the whispers travel back and forth between you all class makes you realize you hadn’t fallen into a friendship this easily, even with Ally. Even with Spiderman, your brain points out.

A red and blue suit swings into your mind and you are hit with a wave of guilt. Not two hours ago I was thinking about my make out with Spiderman, and now I’m comparing him to Peter? 

You have all but one class together, and you can’t help but glance in Peter’s direction any chance you get. The only time you don’t see him is at lunch, even though you look all around the lunch room for him or the boy he’d been standing with this morning. You thought it would be too creepy to ask him where he’d been.

Finally, the last bell of the day rang, and you were sure if you didn’t have superpowers you would’ve been exhausted. School is kinda draining when you actually acknowledge people. Ally and Betty share your complaints about being tired on your drive home, all three of you agreeing you need naps. You kiss them both on the cheek and wave goodbye before heading up to your room.

Forget what I said about having superpowers. I’m fucking tired. You lay down on your bed, groaning into the pillow at the thought of having to patrol tonight. You sat up abruptly. You’d never dreaded patrol, it was always the thing you looked forward to. You glance towards the suit in your closet and sigh.

It’s not patrol I’m nervous about. It’s him. You feel incredibly guilty about today. I’m not a two timer. If I want to like Peter, I have to talk to Spiderman about that kiss first. You start to make your way over to the closet before another wave of exhaustion hits, sending you straight back to your bed.

After a nap. Then we’ll talk.

[mhafan17]

Fake Proposal

I thought of a funny idea where there’s a situation that needs a distraction and you decide to have Inasa fake propose to you, and then the reaction of class 1-A when they find out

Inasa x reader

Bakugou x reader

2k words

"You see that?"

I feel Inasa shift behind me. Most likely trying to be subtle as he looked towards the direction I had indicated with my head.

"Mmh"

I flicked my eyes over again checking on the villains we had been assigned to. This was our first stealth mission as interns, and the pressure was extremely high. The mall we were situated in was the setting for a meeting between one of our agents and a small-time human trafficker. The main three we were waiting on had finally arrived to the meeting spot.

"Ugh, I'm so bored. I need action!"

I turned my head towards Inasa as he whisper-shouted, head leaned back behind the bench so far it looks painful. However, when he leans his head back up he still gives me a bright smile. I can't help but smile back, his energy has always been contagious. It makes the most boring missions and patrols a little more fun.

"Don't worry we shouldn't be here much longer."

He nods at my words, but I know he must be itching for something to do.

A couple minutes pass and just as I turn my head to suggest a game to pass the time our earpieces go off at the same time.

"Auntie has arrived to Grandma's house. Make sure to help her with the bags."

I stifle a laugh at the ridiculous code words we have to use but make sure to casually turn my head towards the spot to see our agent arrive just in time.

We watch for a bit as they likely talk about business waiting for the signal that the villains have given the information we've been waiting for.

Another couple minutes pass of just talking and I'm starting to get bored just as Inasa speaks up behind me.

"Hey, if they let us leave after this we should grab something from the food court. I'm starving!"

My stomach growls as if to affirm his words and I can't help but laugh along with him at the timing.

"Yeah, that sounds like fun. I did need to grab something from the store for my dorm room, so staying a bit would be a good idea."

"Oh, what were you going to get? I can come with if you want?"

I turn to answer him before our earpieces this time.

"Deal is going bad! We need some sort of distraction while someone grabs our guy!"

Both Inasa and I snap our heads towards each other at the lack of code, as well as the urgent voice of our mission operator.

I look towards the agent talking to the villains and immediately pick up on his nervous behavior, arms up and clearly looking for a way out.

Inasa looks at me, clearly not having any idea of how to distract the villains while keeping the civilians in the mall safe. I look down not sure what to do either and begin twisting the ring on my finger, a nervous habit I picked up from my Mom that she used to do to her wedding ring when I was a kid.

That's it! I turn to Inasa and prepare to explain my idea.

"Propose to me."

He immediately freezes at my words looking like a deer in headlights, and I realize I should probably explain a little better.

"Everyone stops and stares at a loud proposal, and with your energy I just know those villains will have to look. Do you think you can do it?"

While he seemed a little thrown off he immediately grabs the ring from my hand and begins the performance.

"Y/N!"

I jolt at how loud he screams my name, and turn to him with wide eyes. Half of the mall is already looking at us.

"These past two years have been the happiest of my life! I knew the second I met you I would be asking this question eventually! You are the most amazing, beautiful...."

I can't help the blush appearing on my cheeks as he continues on ranting about how much he "loves" me, but remember the mission and try to stay in character as I check on the situation.

I clamp my hands over my cheeks and turn away from him, acting shy as I peek over to the meeting spot. It looks like we have garnered the attention we needed but nobody had grabbed our agent yet!

As if reading my mind our earpieces go off again this time directed at Inasa and I.

"Alright, good job guys we just need you to up the ante as we complete the extraction."

I meet Inasa's eyes as he's finishing his big speech knowing the next part is all me.

"OH MY GOD! YES, YES, A MILLION TIMES YES!"

I scream as i jump into his arms as he spins me around and catch the villains watching us, but notice onee turning away towards the agent currently being pulled out and know I have up the ante even more.

Just as Inasa stops spinning me I pull my head out of the crook in his neck, grab his face, and plant a giant kiss right on the lips. I see his eyes widen in surprise, but thankfully he goes along with it and kisses me back.

We pull apart after a few seconds and he sets me down before we remember that even with the agent safe we need to finish the scene.

I hold my hand out as he slides the ring onto my right finger and stop to stare at it for a few seconds.

The rational part of my brain knows what we just did was fake, but the feeling of it sliding on my finger felt so real. I look up and know that Inasa feels the same as his face mirrors my awkward expression.

I'm pulled out of my thoughts by loud cheering and turn to see the crowd that had surrounded us yelling congrats and other kind words. Both Inasa and I bow in thanks towards the crowd before quickly walking away to the food court.

We arrive and casually order some food, despite what just happened moments ago, and go to sit down at one of the tables in the corner.

"So, we just got engaged."

I look up to see Inasa clearly holding back laughter and go to hit him over the head, causing his laughter to spill out of his mouth. I try to keep a serious expression on but barely last two seconds before I'm joining him.

"Is that seriously all you could think of?"

I fake gasp in offense before replying.

"It's not like you had a better idea!"

He nods his head while taking a bit of his food, and I relax backwards in my seat as we sit in silence.

"I'm going to assume the agency is never going to let this go."

"Definitely not."

A couple hours later

After heading back to the agency of filling our paperwork and being laughed at by other interns and heroes we were finally allowed to head back home.

After a long walk from the train station I arrive back at the dorms and let myself in. I hear talking in the living room and head that direction to talk to a couple of my classmates before getting ready for bed. However, as soon as I arrive into the living room I regret that decision.

Several arguments are going on around the room with Bakugou practically being held back from Mina and Kaminari, which isn't really a surprise but makes me curious as to what's going on.

"Is there ever going to be a day I come home to nobody fighting?"

While I tried to put a joking tone into my question I'm surprised to see every person in the room turn towards me with a serious face.

"Uh, did I say something wrong?"

As soon as the words come out I'm met with yelling from everyone in the room with Mina jumping around me in excitement. I'm so confused at the chaos that I almost miss the tv across the room playing a video until I heard my name yelled loudly.

However, that yell is not coming from anyone in the room. It's coming from the screen displaying Inasa's face as he begins passionately describing his "love" for me. I freeze at the sight and by the sound in the room lowering significantly I know everyone has noticed where my attention lies.

"You have some explaining to do, missy."

I turn to Kaminari a cheeky grin on his face, clearly thinking this situation is absolutely hilarious. I roll my eyes at him about to respond with my explanation before someone else is already speaking.

"Y/n! Why didn't you tell me about this secret romance! I thought we were supposed to be friends? You even told me there was nothing going on with Inasa when I asked!"

Mina jumps around me throwing questions left and right giving me no time to answer. I open my mouth but once again I'm interrupted, this time by Iida.

"Y/n, you are too young to get married! Planning a wedding could severely affect-"

He's interrupted by another voice, this time being Hagakure.

"I think it's amazing! He was so sweet during the proposal, you can tell he really loves you!"

My face flushes at the words causing everyone to talk at once.

"Look at that sparkle in her eyes, she must be in love!"

Aoyama.

"I don't know I think Iida's right, it is a little early for marriage."

Uraraka.

"You know she has been arriving later than usual, I bet they've been going out after patrols."

Sero.

However, a loud voice overtakes all of them in the end.

"THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU"RE DOING WITH THAT LOSER!

Bakugou.

He pushes his way to the front of the crowd, face red with anger, fingers popping every couple seconds.

"You said yes to that bullshit proposal! The fuck are you thinking, huh?"

I just stare in shock at his reaction. I did not expect everyone to freak out this much over something like this, which I probably should have knowing this class.

I step back this time not being interrupted as I open my mouth to explain.

"Guys, you are completely misreading the situation I am not getting married."

In response everyone in the room pointedly looks at my left hand that I had unconsciously raised in the air in the surrender pose.

I follow their eyes, and feel mine widen at the sight before pulling the ring off frantically, realizing I had left in on my right finger by accident.

"See, it's off now. None of that was real, and I am not engaged to Inasa."

Of course Todoroki just has to speak up next.

"Just because you took the ring off doesn't mean you aren't engaged."

I can't help but look at him in exasperation as everyone voices their agreement.

"Fine. Don't believe me? I will call Inasa right now and he will explain to you that he didn't actually propose to me."

I pull out my phone and click on Inasa's contact before hitting call and putting it on speaker, before I raise it to the air for everyone to see.

We all wait patiently for him to pick up and I begin to worry as it continues ringing before I hear the click of the receiver and feel relief fill me at the sound.

Then he has to ruin it.

"Hey there! How's my amazing fiance doing?"

I feel my entire face drain of color as the whole room turns to me. I completely forgot about the running joke we had today, based off the fact that Inasa used the word amazing seven times during his proposal. He had begun to call me that during our paperwork to lift the mood.

"Inasa"

I spoke up in a quiet voice and he responds in kind, likely confused.

"You are on speaker with my class. They believe we are actually engaged."

There's silence on the other end before a quiet, "oh no" comes from the phone, and my sanity leaves my body as I begin to laugh hysterically. I end up dropping the phone on the ground in my fit and put my head in my hands as tears begin streaming down my face at the ridiculousness of the situation.

Everyone in the room begins silently backing away from me as I continue to just sit on the ground and laugh.

Momo being the smart one in the situation grabs the phone off the floor and begins speaking to Inasa as I calm down. I can hear him explaining what happened to her as the rest of the class listens. My laughter finally stopping when he finishes his story.

I look up to see most of the class looking at me sheepishly or in Bakugou's case annoyed and a little embarrassed. Most likely from his reaction earlier. I get up off the ground and walk over for my phone to say bye to Inasa.

I hang up and turn to my class as Kirishima walks forward and speaks.

"Literally, only you would end up in this situation."

I couldn't help but start laughing again at his words along with the rest of the class. I spend the next hour explaining the situation in more detail and joking around with everyone before heading up to get ready for bed with the rest of the girls.

Halfway up the stairs Uraraka makes a comment that almost stops me in my tracks.

"You know, I was surprised at Bakugou's reaction to the video. I mean he was practically livid, but at the same time almost sad?"

The rest of the girls turned to her at the comment and surprisingly all seemed to agree.

"Yeah he did look a little sad right."

"Definitely, he seemed ready to kill Inasa when he first saw it, especially when you kissed him."

"Ooh what was it like kissing Inasa? He looks like he would be good at it."

My thought on Bakugou's reaction were forgotten, as I was distracted by the surprise of the last question. We spent the rest of the walk up going over Inasa's kissing skills.

Unknown to the girls, downstairs was absolute chaos as Kaminari dared to question Bakugou on the very same thing the girls had brought up. Kirishima barely managing to defend him in time from an explosion to the face.

[jarofstyles]

Oh baby, baby

A/N: Hello! We know we had to add a dad!harry series to our masterlist, one that was sweet and smutty and full of all that kinds of stuff. But as always, we added our own little twist, some angst or tension if you will. In this AU Harry is just a songwriter who goes under a pseudonym and Y/N is his manger. Again, this is all fiction so enjoy ✨✨- n + d

send feedback and requests here

masterlist

pairing: Harry Styles x Reader

warnings: none really?

word count: 4.1k

“So, I was thinking... Do you wanna like, have a kid? Like, with me?” 

Y/N knew it was a bold question, a very very bold and strange question. To him it probably came out of nowhere, but she had been thinking about it for quite some time now. They were both young, 25 almost 26 year olds, and neither of them were anywhere near finding ‘the one’. Harry and Y/N had always said that when ‘the one’ came around that they’d both understand, they’d support one another and carry on as always, but ‘the one’ never really had come around and they weren’t getting any younger. Y/N really wanted to be a mom. It was something she spoke about often, especially whenever she saw little kids in any given situation. She was a fit of squeals and coos and if appropriate, kisses and cuddles. Harry seemed surprised still, probably confused as to why she was asking him. 

“We’ve worked up enough money for us to be set, a baby and a house and even their college.” Y/N chuckled, continuing on with cooking their dinner. “And... we’ve got lots of time on our hands when we aren’t working. I just— you know how I want to be a young mom and all, want to be able to be fun and cool.” Harry knew all of this about her.

“Y/N— what?” Harry slowly blinked at her confused look. He had just been helping her cook dinner when she popped one of the most unexpected questions on him. Talking about the damn schedule for the week, and she asked if he wanted to have a baby with her. She genuinely looked sold on this idea. His head was still spinning from the mere suggestion. Obviously it was something she had been thinking about for a while or she wouldn’t have mentioned it. “With me? Are you sure?” Harry furrowed his brows before continuing. “Wait— okay, hold on. When did you begin to think this over, because obviously I’ve been the one out of the loop for quite a bit, babes.”  They’d always done everything together. School, living, college, all of it. So he wasn’t necessarily ruling it out but... a baby would be a whole other ball game. An at least 18 year old commitment.

Y/N nodded her head, looking at him with a raised brow and shaking her head when he’d asked if she was sure. “Course, I’m sure. Have I ever been unsure?” She was very stubborn and he knew that, knew she usually didn’t bring things up unless she had mulled them over at least a thousand times in her brain before mentioning them. “I was just on Pinterest looking for some lemon bar recipe and then I saw this really cute photo of a baby girl who looked just like she could be our baby and then it clicked... It just made sense to me? Like I know, it would be weird at first but— been around you my whole life and if I trusted anyone else with my child’s life it would be you away, might as well make it yours.” That was something she was genuinely serious about. Any other man would leave her, could cheat, screw her over. Harry was her most loyal friend, he genuinely loved and cared for her and would never think of leaving her nor a child. “Don’t have to answer me now, just like.. wanted to talk about it. Can take your time with it and mull it over.”

“I mean... you know I want children.” Harry said slowly, turning the stove off but still feeling that confusion but he wasn’t angry about it. “I’m just... confused, is all.” He admitted, leaning against the counter. He was seriously considering her offer. “All the points you made aren’t wrong but I suppose I’m curious as to when you thought this over and all that. M’flattered, I’m considering it but I’d like to hear more.” He tilted his head and looked at her. There had always been an unspoken tension that would remain unspoken to them. He was aware of that. But he was concerned how that barrier they’d set for intimacy besides a good cuddle and shit would be smashed by sex. 

Y/N felt herself grow a little giddy when he had said he was considering it. She had been hopeful, yes, felt like it would take some proper convincing yet he seemed to be intrigued already? It was a hopeful sign in all honesty. “Yeah, I... started like, 6 months ago?” 6 months was usually Y/N’s bench mark for everything. Whenever she had thought about something for 6 months it usually meant that it was something she really wanted. “I didn’t expect you to not be confused, but then again, there wasn’t really a subtle way to ask was there?” She laughed and pushed her hair away from her face. 

“Like... how are we gonna... you know. Get said baby into you. We using a turkey Baster? Or old fashioned?” Harry asked with a smirk.

“No! Not a fucking turkey baster, are you mad? Course we’re gonna—” Y/N stopped herself as her eyes locked with his. She had always felt a tension with him but she could never really put her finger on it. “We’re gonna do it whichever way feels most comfortable.” She didn’t want to put in unnecessary effort. “Know I love ya... and we’ll make the baby that way.”

“I mean, could have softened the blow and started talking about babies.” Harry snickered, but he really was distracted by the fact that they’d have sex. Actual sex. They’d kissed before a few times. Always when drunk. Once it was to get a guy to back off of her when she was uncomfortable too, and she always was comfortable around him. It wasn’t weird. Sex was a whole act though. He wouldn’t have problems getting hard because... well, Y/N was hot as fuck. It would be a different thing entirely though, to make her cum and shit. To actually cum in her multiple times. “Mean, m’not against It. But it’ll probably take a few tries or something.” He said slowly. She didn’t seem phased by it. “Wow. You’ve thought it out entirely, haven't you?”

“Okay, but if I did that then you’d know something was up and I didn’t want to bring it up unless I was certain.” Y/N explained with a small sigh, “and you know I’m impatient, just wanted to let you know as soon as possible... but also, I’m ovulating next week.” Y/N has really calculated this. She was prepared for it all, mentally and physically. Sure, having sex with Harry was something she’d have to mentally prepare for, but it wasn’t in the way you’d think. Harry was hot, anyone with eyes could see that. She knew he was massive too, she’d seen him naked far too many times. It was that intimacy that came with sex that was something she needed to prepare for, but many being horny and or drunk would fix it? “Know it’s going to take a few tries but.. I just really want a baby, and if I’m going to have a baby with anyone it’s going to be with you.”

“Alright. Well... let me think about it after dinner. I think the answer is yes, but I need to think about it.” Harry explained. Y/N wasn’t a pushy person nor would she make him do it if he didn’t want to. And he did, he was 99% sure but he would have to think. So he did. Sitting in his rum, he strummed his guitar absentmindedly. They’d done a ton of traveling from 18—24. They settled here. They had money for a proper childhood for a few kids if they worked together. Harry’s main goal was to be a father and Y/N wanted to be a mum. He couldn’t see their friendship fading in any circumstance. He didn’t matter how much happened, they’d been best friends since the womb. Their mothers were best friends too. It was something they couldn’t escape either way. It was a real thing he had to think about. 

“We can do it.” Harry stood in the doorway of the girls room in their shared apartment. “If you’re sure then I’m down.”

She hasn’t expected him to come back with an answer so quickly, but the smile on her face was evident. “Yeah?” Y/N asked again, feeling herself get all emotional at the thought. She stood up, walking over to here he was standing. “I’m sure, if you’re sure.” Y/N wrapped her arms around him in a hug and squeezed tightly, this was real. They were planning on having a baby. Of course, they weren’t going to tell anyone for a while, not until she was actually properly pregnant. For now, they just needed to get comfortable around each other and prepare for the impending week. Y/N was just coming off her period so she’d be extremely horny within the next week and it would be prime time to get her pregnant. It would definitely take a few tries, but she had been off birth control for a while now and she was rather regular. She felt like she was meant to be a mom. 

“Love you, h.”

“Love you too, Bun.” He loved her a lot. She was his absolute best friend ever and he knew this wouldn’t be bad. 

Their mothers will be thrilled when they kind out— but they also would be confused they weren’t together. Harry was a little confused too on how it would all work. The sex part of it and the fact that they’d be parents together. If it would change their dynamic or not. There had always been an undertone of feelings, at least on his side. No one else measured up to her. None of his exes or hook ups. No one stuck or got him like Y/N did. Their friendship bothered relationships on both of their sides and neither of them were willing to choose a boyfriend or girlfriend over the other so that’s how it was. It was always Harry and Y/N against the world.

Y/N could understand why it was strange. They were best friends after all, they weren’t dating or anything. The friendship the two of them had was rather unique. It wasn’t like a sibling vibe nor was it an ‘ew’ we’re best friends vibe. It was very much, you’re hot and I’m hot and we know that and we’re really good friends. It was beyond Y/N how neither of them had done anything remotely sexual with each other. They’d drunkenly kissed a few times, but honestly who hadn’t done that before? Y/N definitely had thought about it before, but not too much into detail. They’d both just done their own thing and come back to each other like nothing was wrong. She would always pick Harry over anyone and maybe that was shit but until someone treated her like he did or better? A boyfriend could wait. She knew that if she wanted a good father for her child, she would trust no one but Harry. Harry would make a great father and on top of that, their baby would be beautiful. 

They were both at the point in their lives where they could afford a baby and give it the utmost attention. So what if they weren’t actually together? They lived together and they loved each other. Maybe not in that way, but they could teach their child about how important it is to love your best friend.

----

“Babes?” Harry walked into the living room where Y/N sat on the couch. It had been a week since they’d agreed on the decision of a baby. Today, they were going to get prenatal vitamins and groceries so they could up their chances. “I was doing some research, to see the best chances to knock you up. They said we may not want to drink because it affects my baby juice or whatever.” He murmured, sitting on the couch next to her to pull his shoes on. Harry was obviously very excited, and it wasn’t a surprise. He really liked the idea of Y/N being pregnant, surprisingly. “N’ I was wanting to ask when you stopped birth control.” He wouldn’t tell her yet but, it was literally his kink in a way. Breeding was something he had into the depths of his mind and he thought about when he got off. She would find out about it and he was a little nervous about that, but she was his best friend. The one person who he could trust. He just didn’t want her to take the piss.

“Please never call it baby juice again.” Y/N snorted a laugh and smacked his arm, getting up with a small sigh. He’d been doing research? That was cute. It was nice to know that he was excited about it all because she was too. “It’s fine, we’ll figure it out I’m sure.” She knew that it might be a little awkward, but animalistic instincts would take over at some point and it’d be fine. “I stopped like... 6 months ago. Wasn’t really seeing anyone anyway so I figured I didn’t need it. Besides, I was already thinking about this then so...” Y/N knew that it was completely out of her system. “I’m pretty regular with my period as well.. been tracking it for years and it’s always right so, I’ll sync you up if you get the app.” Y/N stood up and grabbed the reusable bags, “you got the keys?” She asked, knowing he’d be the one driving. The two of them were really good together. The dynamic duo. They’d been doing it for so long that this whole baby thing didn’t seem as never wrecking.

“Mhm.” Harry took them out of the pocket and jingled them. Harry wasn’t misled by any of this— he knew it didn’t mean they were together. They’d have sex and stuff and parent but it didn’t mean she liked him more than a friend and he was okay with it. It didn’t stop his sexual attraction, not his protectiveness. To be fair, he had always been a protective little fucker. He was the first one to call people out on their bullshit or to intimidate guys away from her if she wanted them gone. He made sure she was safe every time he could. But with the idea of his child inside of her, Harry felt that he went into overdrive— and they hadn’t even tried yet. “C’mon then.” He patted his side like a dog and she rolled her eyes. They had a good banter between them. Locking the door behind him, he walked down the steps of their place and went to the car with her. “Vitamins first, lunch and then grocery, yeah? So nothing frozen melts.”

“Sounds good.” Y/N nodded, climbing into the Range Rover. It would be interesting to see how things went for them. People often mistook them for being a couple. That would only increase now that they were a couple, however, it really didn’t really bother them. No matter how many times they’d tell people they were just good friends, people didn’t believe it. Hell, even their mothers were waiting on them to actually get together. They never blatantly said they’d be against it, but it just seemed like something that would change their friendship too much. Having sex for the sake of having a baby was one thing but having sex because you want to love up on each other is a whole other thing. When they arrived at the store Harry had looked up, Y/N realized that it would probably be easier for them to just act like they were together. Trying to explain it would be too complicated.

Harry raised a brow when she came to his side and hung on his arm but shrugged it off. He didn’t care, in fact she knew he enjoyed physical touch very much. He was a puppy when it came to Y/N and enjoyed his pets and strokes, so he felt good about it. The store was a maternity store that had the best selection of vitamins and mother stuff. He had an idea of what vitamins she should get but he wanted a second opinion. According to yelp, they had a knowledgeable staff who were very well versed in new mothers and babies. 

“Hello! Welcome.” As soon as they stepped into the store, a peppy older woman grinned brightly and made her way towards them. “What can I help you with today?” 

“Hi.. we’re looking for good prenatal vitamins. Anything that will help her or the baby.” He smiled, feeling her rest her cheek on his arm.

Y/N was really happy that Harry had taken control of the situation, she wasn’t too good with asking for things, but she would if she had to. She licked over her lips and watched as the lady smiled at the two. “Lovely! Are you pregnant or trying?” She asked and that’s when Y/N decided to speak up. 

“We’re trying.” She smiled, “If there is any you’d recommend for pre and during... if there are any that you could recommend for him as well?” Y/N patted his arm a bit and watched as the woman nodded and began to lead them over to a specific section. 

“Are there any medications you take now?” The woman asked, searching through a few of the bottles to find something. 

“No, I’ve been off of birth control for about 6 months also. I’d say I’m pretty healthy.”

“Perfect. I’m so happy for you both. I know that it’s a big decision.” She smiled, picking out a few and explaining the benefits of each. Harry didn’t have any issues asking questions.

“Should we get a vitamin that covers all over, or separate ones?” Harry questioned. 

“I suggest separate ones. The all over vitamin is good, however I think these three will provide more results for you.” The woman said. “And, it's only a few dollars more for all three of these.” 

“Money is not an object.” Harry said politely. “Not when it comes to her or the baby. I’d like the best things you can recommend. I did some research, and I know there isn’t much one can do for morning sickness. But did you have anything that you know works? She hates vomiting and I think I can speak for her and say anything that will make that not as bad would be lovely.” He grabbed her hand, squeezing it.

Y/N was taken back a bit when he went out of his way to tell the woman about how she hated vomiting. She couldn’t lie, it did make little butterflies erupt in her stomach. Harry had always been thoughtful, but to know he was in this just as seriously did excite her. She never doubted him either. It was just nice.

“Oh, of course... These are definitely worth a try. I’ve heard they’ve been successful, but again, it’s not something that can necessarily be guaranteed.” The woman explained, going to get a few other vitamins for both her and Harry. 

After she’d explained all of them, she rang them up and Y/N let Harry handle it. Their money was basically shared anyway, she was his manager after all. In a way it was really nice to just have somewhat joint funds. Again, it’s why people thought they were together.

Harry squeezed her when she got nervous or tense when they spoke about anything else they could need. It wasn’t too long in the shop before Harry said goodbye and walked out with Y/N in one arm and the bag in the other. He had gotten 5 bottles of vitamins for a bigger price however he didn’t care at all. If Y/N was cared for, he was happy. They saved a lot of money. They didn’t live luxuriously and he thinks maybe it was the universe preparing them for this. 

“Alright, little Bun. Let’s get some lunch. Are you feeling tacos? Pizza? Italian?” Harry questioned, asking oddly in want to make her pleased. He was definitely someone who liked being the one to make others happy. A people pleaser. But for Y/N was even more so.

“Can we go to Cheesecake Factory?” Y/N asked, knowing that they’d definitely find something to eat there. There was everything on the menu. It was a win for the both of them and she’d get a bomb ass dessert. She had noticed the little shift in him too. It was small and if you didn’t spend every day of your life with him you wouldn’t know, but she knew. Harry has a certain way about him. He was ambitious and supportive, caring and intelligent. He was always one step ahead on everything and that’s why they had gotten so far with their careers. However, she knew that having this baby meant a lot more to him than anything else in the world. It meant the same for her. 

“It’s crazy how this is all really happening.” Y/N breathed out, “I’m just... i'm really excited. Like.. I’ve always wanted to be a mom and it’s just so nice to know I’m going to be doing it with you? Do you know what i mean?”

“Yeah. I dunno I’ve just... I've never imagined who I would have a baby with. But in my head it did look like a mix of us. I’ve wanted one for so long, always wanted to have kids and stuff.” Harry smiled. “I’m happy it’s with you. I was nervous I’d end up with some crazy woman who would take me to court or something and take my kid away. Think that’s my greatest fear. One of ‘em. Losing you and losing my child.” It would make sense later as when she got pregnant, why he would treat her like glass. 

“I get that... think that’s always been a fear of mine in a way. I never met anyone else I’d trust my life with it my baby’s life with..” Y/N knew Harry was a constant in her life and that he wasn’t going anywhere, they were basically a family of their own already. A baby would only strengthen their bond.

“I’m excited. I trust you and I know we can do this together. Know our mums will have some choice words for it but they’ll just be excited to be grandmothers.” Harry added, he knew they both wanted grandchildren so badly. 

Arriving at the restaurant, Harry held his hand out for her to take. They didn’t usually do this in public but he felt a ton more protective now and didn’t want her to be far from him. Was it possible he already went into daddy mode?

When he took her hand, Y/N didn’t really question it. She liked being around him and could understand why he wanted to be a bit closer with her. If they were having a baby together, they weren’t really looking for anyone to come and flirt with them were they? In all honesty, Y/N has accepted that she’d likely be single forever now. It would just be her and the baby and Harry and she’d be happy with that. What mattered more to her was that.

They were seated across from each other, the massive menu taunting them. Harry always had a hard time choosing here, but he knew he would get classic strawberry cheesecake or the caramel one for dessert. He liked those. 

“Gonna get an appetizer then?” Harry questioned with curious eyes. Y/N would probably have a much bigger appetite when pregnant, and they’d come here again. He knew that she would be so beautiful as a mum. She’d have the glowing skin and the round belly and the pretty pregnant woman aura around her and he would have a hard time with that. He was going to want to love on the belly quite a bit and he hoped she was okay with that. He had been doing a lot of research and was curious about what she was going to be like with the hormones. Was she going to be an angry pregnant? Emotion swings? Horny? He wasn’t sure. Harry would take any of it.

------------------------

[part 2]

A/N: aHHH hope this lays down a bit of ground before we really get into things. If there are any specifics you’d like to see during Y/N’s pregnancy, let us know! - n + d

masterlist

[mutablebeauty]

Dear the girls with a Pisces Venus,

Are you fixated on an unrequited crush? Constantly have someone who doesn’t know you exist on your mind? Wondering when you’ll receive the unconditional amounts of love you can provide someone else?

Here’s your cure (and semi-hard truth):

Whatever you would do for the love of your life, do it for YOU.

You have the love language of a sign with no boundaries. We have an extraordinary gift of empathy and love which can quickly become a curse if we don’t learn to curb it. It’s an instinct for us. We love to love. We accept and give all the five types of love language. We love people despite their flaws. Yes, you know you’ve ignored how stupid that guy was just bc he’s cute and you had a good conversation with him.

Our love has no boundaries, which is such a beautiful thing but it is the very thing that causes us earth shattering pain. I can’t describe the amount of times I’ve laid in bed so hurt by someone bc they didn’t want me back or I got played. We are powerful enough to heal our own hearts and love again but the cycle will never end if we don’t learn.

As this is one of our most powerful gifts, you have to understand NOT EVERYONE DESERVES IT.

It doesn’t matter if they have an extremely cute face, or they make you laugh or they were simply NICE TO YOU!

The only person truly deserving of your love without limits is YOU. Yes, YOU. Would you cook for the love of your life? Create the whole damn Thanksgiving dinner if they asked you to? Do that for YOU! Do you love chocolate or been wanting those cute earrings you saw while window shopping? BUY IT FOR YOU! Damn, does your back hurt? BOOK A MASSAGE FOR YOU!

You may be the only one who wipes your tears when you’re sad. You may be the only person who is deserving of the powerful gift you have of loving with no boundaries. Imagine how powerful you could be if you directed that attention and adoration onto yourself? It’s not easy but it could be.

You must constantly remind yourself that you only show that love and generosity to those who truly deserve it. You see what they’ve done for you first and reciprocate it. Yes, he/she is cute and you find comfort in dreaming of cuddling them or them kissing you. But look at the reality. Not the body language or the way they’ve worded a sentence. Not how you feel. The REALITY. COLD HARD FACTS. While Pisces may be Jupiter ruled, it is also argued that Neptune rules the sign Pisces as well. Neptune is a sign of fog, distractions, confusion. We can become clouded by love. Gosh, it’s a powerful drug. It makes your skin buzz warm and your brain feel fuzzy. But snap out of it! We have to look at what the regular logical person would see and deduce. Ask your air sign or earth sign friends about him. They will tell you whether he likes you or not because they are logical and look at material facts, not the abstract ones. Water sign friends will simply dance in your delusion with you. Good in the moment, bad in the long-run.

If you’re fixated on someone and you want to stop: use your own curse against you. You love love right? Well find other guys/girls to love. It’s more than enough of it to go around boo! Download a dating app, you don’t have to get sexually or romantically involved with these people but what’s the harm of distracting yourself? Watch how quickly that guy/girl you’re thinking about all the time fades to the back because of all this new attention! Now you can talk to them without the hearts sparkling in your eyes. They can probably tell. And if they’re a shitty person, they’re probably using that against you. If they’re not your first priority, how will they take advantage of you now?

Us, Pisces Venuses, have to stick together. People are so cruel that they use our naivety and innocence against us instead of protecting it. People who notice you like them will use that to their advantage. Stop it. Choose yourself first no matter how lonely you are. No matter how much it hurts. Too damn bad. You know very well, that the love you yearn for is rare. We are blessed to have this gift. So why not use it on yourself until someone truly worthy comes along. Then you can share (ahem, keyword: share, not give, SHARE) your love with them.

I made this post, as a triple Pisces threat, because everyone always tells us our issue but never how to fix it without throwing a bunch of wordy sentences that truly don’t make sense at us. It’s time we realize our power and use it for our own benefit!

[wtfevenismypage]

Observer, Not Profiler PT4

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!reader

Summary: You’re similar to a profiler, but you can tell almost anything about a person just from a single glance. What they had for dinner, if they took a bath or shower, their name, favorite color, if they lie, even if they’re good in bed. You’ve been running from the government ever since you got caught hacking into their systems and since then you have been diagnosed with Extreme anxiety, anxious tics, and paranoia. But now the BAU need you’re help in Identifying killers.

Warnings: maybe a curse word or two, mentions of death, anxious/nervous ticking, tic attacks, mentions of rape, mentions of child rape, sassy Garcia

A/N: this is kinda just a filler chapter, the next one will be better!

Drums pound in your ears as you step into Hotch’s office. He used his serious voice to get you in there, which gave you unwanted anxiety. 

Thump thump. Your wrists bruise together as you step into Hotch’s office. His eyes dart up to yours, motioning for you to sit, which you do, sighing as your left palms claps against the arm of the chair.

“Yes sir?”

“You are going to be staying here with Garcia during our next case.”

Confusion poked your ribs, that wasn’t bad at all? Why was he so upset? It didn’t make any sense.

“Alright, is that all? You look upset...”

“An agent from the CIA is coming to observe your performance for this case only. Higher ups are still concerned that you will use the equipment here to get into the government, so they sent an agent to keep you supervised. He’ll try and give you a hard time so that you end up lashing out, but just keep your head down.”

Your eyebrows furrow. A CIA agent? They were sending an agent to keep you in check? You were shocked that they even cared at this point, that was a long time ago, and now you were just an anxiety riddled girl trying to start a new life.

“Oh... Um, I don’t know what to say... Why... They’re sending... Ugh...”

You groan as your neck twitches to the side aggressively. You could already tell that your tics were going to be a bitch until the case was done. 

“This isn’t ideal for any of us, I tried to convince them that this wasn’t necessary, but they refused to listen. I understand that this is going to add immense pressure to both you and Garcia, but I ask that you try your hardest to ignore him and his petty comments that he’ll most likely make.”

“Yes sir...”

He sighs, standing up and patting your shoulder.

“Let’s get to the round table.”

Less than two hours later, your sat next to Garcia in the bat cave, a tall and intimidating CIA agent standing at the doorway to watch your every move. It was distracting ad terrifying to say the least. 

He was originally standing directly behind you, but Garcia saw how purely uncomfortable you were and yelled at him to move back. She really was a savior.

“Alright my dearies, Mr. Paul Ways was married four times, has seven children that were taken from his custody, and has gone through ten dogs that all died within a year of being owned by him.”

Garcia spoke on the video-chat, everyone else on a jet. 

“His laptop is disgusting by the way, purely covered in filmed rape tapes being sold on the black market. Some of it is of children by the way, and the others are of girls that were barely over 18.”

The agent spoke up.

“Is that not illegal what you’re doing? Hacking into his laptop without his consent?”

You grimace, struggling to keep yourself from ticking. Garcia speaks up.

“The laptop actually wasn’t owned by him, it was owned by his husband who gladly gave us consent when he heard that we were trying to catch his husbands killer. Now please stop speaking, it’s taking away time that we don’t have.”

You smile at Garcia, who simply pats your shoulder once and turns back to her computer.

“What about the second victim?”

“That would be a resident arsonist Mr. Rickardson. He set four massive fires to buildings and got the security footage to watch it back. Ten people have died in total because of his fires. The footage of each person’s death was labeled and saved to his computer.”

“I hate to have to ask this, but watch the videos, all of them. Mark anything you can find.”

You groan as they hang up, clicking on the first video of the fire and watching every angle, trying not to turn your head in disgust as the screams of a burning woman fill your ears.

“Oh god... This is horrible...”

You say as you take in the victims information.

“She’s eighteen. Lisa. I can’t... She was... Oh god I’m gonna have a tic attack...”

You stand up and run out of the room immediately, ignoring Garcia’s concerned yells as you plop down on the floor, letting your tics take over. Your wrist slam against each other, your palms smack any wall they can find, and your head just keeps jerking to the side.

The door opens next to you, the condescending agent walking out.

“What are you doing?”

You whimper, knowing this is going to dampen your chances of staying with the team.

“I-I’m having a tic-tic attack... Just... Just le-leave me alone. Ple-please.”

He doesn’t budge, rather than shoo him off though, you opt for the smarter option, letting him witness your break down. And as soon as it’s over, you stands up, looking him in the eye with a furious glare.

“I hope that was as fun for you as it was for me.”

You whisper out before marching back into the computer filled room and plopping back down next to Garcia.

“I’m alright.”

You said it more to yourself than to Garcia, but you clicked on the video again, whimpering, but taking in everything you can.

This week is going to suck.

-

-

-

-

-

You click away at the keyboard of your computer, searching for a Mr. Paul Nees and any information you can find on him. 

“C’mon my sweet computer you, don’t start slowing down on me now.”

The CIA agent is still stalking over you, making sure you don’t ‘hack into the government’ A.K.A jabbing insults into your brain any chance he gets.

“I mean, a little girl like you? You won’t make it.”

You sigh out at his comments continue.

“Why are you so concerned with it? I mean it isn’t your life so, you shouldn’t be so concerned. I’ll survive.”

“You really think you’re gonna be able to survive with those freaky tics of yours?”

You try to make it seem like his words don’t affect you, but they hurt so bad, they seeped into your brain and stuck with you, making you groan as they swim in your mind.

-

-

-

-

-

You were right, it only got worse as the Agent’s constant condescending comments kept sneaking their way into your brain.

“A little girl like you? You won’t make it.” “You really think you’re gonna be able to survive with those freaky tics of yours?”

You had broken down into sobs many times over the week, desperate to avoid the man, but he was everywhere that you went. It was one of the worst two weeks of your life. 

“Just give me a few minutes to myself! Just a few minutes!”

You shout at the smirking agent, tears trailing down your face.

“Why would you need time alone? To hack into the government?”

That really set you off. You didn’t understand how someone so dumb was a CIA agent. It made no sense to you. 

“Are you fucking joking? I spend six years running and you think I’m just gonna up and do it again!? I’m human! I just want to spend a bit of time alone! How is this an issue!?”

“Because you hacked into the government. Of course we need eyes on you. I don’t understand it however. You seem harmless.”

That’s it. You finally crack.

“Oh I’ll fucking show you harmless.”

You lunge at him, trying to tackle him to the floor, but a body slamming into you stops you. You writhe on the floor under the heavy body, trying to get away.

“Y/N. Calm yourself down. Take a breath Y/N!”

It was Spencer, hearing his voice ring out in your ears made you less squirmy, but you were still breathing pure adrenaline. 

“He- I just! He kept!”

You could barely form coherent sentences as the smug smirk of the evil agent poisoned your brain.

“I know Y/N, I know, but you have to calm yourself down okay? I know it’s been rough with him all this time, but just calm down alright?”

You couldn’t stop the onslaught of tears and broken sobs that erupted, but goddammit you were going to try. You struggled to keep yourself from screaming out right then and there, but your brain gave you a second option.

Knock the fuck out dude.

So you did. You passed out right then and there, like no ones business.

-

-

-

-

-

You woke up with a panicky start. Not quite sure where you are at first, but as you look around you realize it’s an empty office. You’re laid out on a couch, a small blanket thrown on top of you.

“Hey, good morning.”

You look up at the voice, seeing Derek, Emily, and Spencer sitting on the table. Concerned expressions on their faces.

“What happened? Is that evil agent still here?”

Derek chuckles, but shakes his head.

“Nah, he’s gone. You managed to get off with a warning by the way. You can’t just attack agents like that Y/L/N.” 

You hang your head low, guilt climbing up your throat, or acid reflux actually. 

“I’m sorry. I was just... Just tired of his constant teasing and all of the comments he made... I know it was wrong, but I just couldn’t handle it anymore...”

There was a small silence, but it ended quickly when a second body sat next to you on the couch. It was Spencer. Spencer who, no matter what managed to stay calm around you and calm you down, Spencer who never raised his voice around you, Spencer who was always so patient with you, Spencer who was currently hugging you.

You tensed up when his arms wrapped around you initially, which made Spencer panic and almost pulls away, but when you sink into his warm chest, he relaxes, letting you cry into the crook of his neck. 

He knew this week was difficult for you, Garcia kept them all updated on how horrible it was, providing camera footage of the agent taunting you, and Spencer hated seeing you so distraught. 

Truth be told, when he saw you again in the interrogation room, his heart stopped at the sight of you. Yes, you looked like you hadn’t slept in years, and yes, you looked absolutely terrified to be there, but he was so entranced by your skill of knowing a person just by looking, he couldn’t notice how much of a mess you looked like.

You were beautiful in his eyes and that was that.

“It’s alright Y/N. You’re alright.”

And for the first time in six years, you believe it.

A/N: I realize that ending makes it seem like the actual end, but oh baby we’ve just begun!

Taglist:

@imsuperawkward @ithinkilovetruecrimetoomuch​ @l0ve-0f-my-life​ @hopebaker​ @thatsonezesty13​ @nightlygiggless​ @aberrant-annie​ @holybatflapexpert​ @spencerreidisbootiful​ @april-14-blog​ @jackryan-plz @kalebtheo​ @ajwantsapancake @lightswriting @emilouu @yourmisosoup @lizziebritish @101donuts @rainsong01 @pretty-boy-genius @squirrellover1967 @gublerstyles @delievia @boxofsparklingmuses @annestine @baby-i-am-fireproof @allthedumbassfandoms @irjuejjsaa @zhangyixingxing1 @madcrazy50 @maryhuffxoxo @unnuevosoltransformalarealidad @officialbogbody @m3lly-x @dark-night-sky-99 @eu-solidao @thupidalethea @bad-idea-personified @random-thoughts-003 @dr-reid-ismyspiritanimal

[neutron-stars-collision]

The Art of Inversion

Neil x Reader

Chapter 8 - Parisian Nightmares

Previous Chapters: Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7

Summary: With Neil MIA you have some time to think about everything that happened. But you are not allowed peace at all..

Warnings: Swearing.

Author’s Notes: The longest chapter yet, so sorry for that. It’s a little bit of a filler slower one so hope you enjoy! Please let me know what you think!

Supposedly the idea of having lunch with TP would have scared you more if it was not for the way he guided you through the experience. He ordered food from the dining hall and made sure you had your coffee before starting any serious topics. Your tired and confused self really appreciated the efforts.

“So what do you want to talk about?” you asked after finally feeling more like a functioning human being.

“I thought we could discuss the things to come…” he briefly searched for the right words “Parts of it is what Neil already knows, but some details are not meant for him” he looked at you with a serious gaze “Is that okay?”

“Yeah, of course” you nodded, feeling both intrigued and nervous.

Ever since the topic of The Algorithm has been first breached, you hoped to learn more. Probably Neil’s presence would have helped at the moment, but if that was not possible then you just had to face the truth calmly. If not now, then when?

“Can I ask something first?”

“Go ahead”

“My recruitment… it wasn’t just because I was recommended by my professor, was it?” you felt like you already knew the answer but had to ask anyway.

“No” TP smiled “I knew from a good source that we had to recruit you”

You stared at him, desperately trying to comprehend what he meant. Suddenly you understood Neil and his despise of half-truths.

“Can I ask who’s that source?”

TP just smiled apologetically, and you groaned.

“Right. Did Neil know?”

“No, I only told him that you have to be enlisted” at your questioning stare, he added “It’s safer that way” he shrugged as though it explained everything.

It did not, but you began to understand that it was not meant to make sense. A sentence said during one of your early lectures rung out in your head: Don’t try to understand it. Feel it. Maybe that was the whole point.

“So that’s how you know that I’ll be needed during the plan? From the source?”

“Kind of” he grinned again “It’s a very reliable source, I must add” he looked at you pointedly and laughed at your confused face “I swear this will get clearer with time”

The reassuring smile made you feel somewhat better. Taking a sip of the coffee, you considered what was being said.

“When does it all begin?”

“With action in Kiev Opera in a month, more or less. But in reality, it already began years ago”

You frowned, feeling your head go blank. TP was smiling, clearly enjoying your utter confusion.

“It’s okay, you’ll catch up eventually”

“Thanks, that’s encouraging” you lightly smacked him in the shoulder.

“I’ll give you more information leading up to Kiev and then after” he explained after a short silence “But you can’t know the whole progression of events. I’m the only one who is cursed with that”

The sudden change in the tone made you stare at him curiously. But his face was like a mask.

“For now though, you don’t need to worry about it” he smiled again “I’m sending you out on a quiet mission to Paris with one of our agents”

That was surprising. But you could do with a distraction.

“Okay… what’s the deal?” you leaned onto the table and flashed him a brilliant smile.

“You have to research one shady guy in Paris. It’s just observation so no need for engagement. The only trick is that you have to pose as a newlywed couple” he looked at you expectantly.

Oh…

“How long will this take?” you tried to focus on the details, not to think too much about the implications of the cover.

“Three weeks” he smiled at your glare “What? It’s gonna be nice! Three weeks in Paris and all you have to do is observe our target, Pierre or whatshisname, and cosy up with Jasper” the overly enthusiastic tone made you laugh.

“You made it sound almost fun” you admitted after calming down a little.

“Well, it’s always a break from spending time with Neil” TP looked at you with an amused expression “I’m sure you could use some of that” he winked.

You shot daggers in his direction, all the while feeling your face grow warm. Admittingly, time without Neil could be useful. You just were not sure it would do much at this point. You were beyond saving.

“When do I begin?”

“You’ll have a mission briefing tomorrow, and that’s also when you’ll meet Jasper” you nodded “And now I think you should rest a little” he eyed you carefully.

“You’re probably right” you both got up “Thanks for the lunch and the chat… It helped” you smiled lightly.

“My pleasure” he ignored your outstretched hand and gave you a quick hug.

After a small hesitation, you returned the gesture. It felt familiar, and you had no clue why. 

“If you ever need anything, you know where to find me” TP smiled at you warmly.

“I’ll remember that” you grinned back and moved to open the door.

“Oh and don’t worry about Neil” you stopped in your tracks and turned to stare at him “I know that he can be extremely annoying, but he really cares about you”

You were speechless and could only nod in response. The Protagonist laughed at your expression before shooing you out of the room with a gesture. You gladly did just that.

*** One thing was for certain, life without Neil could be boring. You found out that much from the moment you came back to your room. After making sure the main casualty of the mission – your dress – was in the washing, you spent most of that afternoon staring at the ceiling. You were mostly thinking about how much your life has changed in the last weeks. And trying to avoid thinking about him because that could never end well. But of course, the universe had other plans.

Just as you were dealing with the fact that the dress was utterly ruined, your phone buzzed. It was late, and the number was used solely for personal reasons, so the sound made you frown. You looked at the screen to find a text message from an unknown number:

“How’s the dress?”

There was no signature, but you knew.

“How did you get my number?” you replied and quickly saved his contact details.

It didn’t take him longer than a minute to respond.

“Used the charm you’re so quick to ignore”

Ah, Anna’s help then.

“Why?”

“Couldn’t imagine not bothering you for too long”

You covered your face with your hands for a few seconds before typing back.

“The dress is ruined, so thanks for nothing”

The speed with which he responded took you aback. Surely he’d have better things to do...? It did not seem so.

“It’s hardly my fault, is it? That wasn’t my idea” you could almost imagine the self-satisfied grin.

“Point taken” you hit the sent button and then took a deep breath.

It’s not too early for double texting, is it?

“Where are you?” you typed another message before throwing the phone on the other side of the bed.

When it buzzed again, you regretted the decision. Pretending that you would be able to resist reading the message immediately was pointless. You reached for the phone and read his answer:

“On the way to Boston airport”

Great. At least now you knew that he is not around, and you can have time to think. But with those texts, it might be harder to do. Before you could overthink the response, another one came through.

“Be honest, how bored are you without me?” you wondered how someone could be so annoying via text message.

“I’ve been assigned a little mission in Paris, actually. With Jasper. So not that bored, thank you very much”

This time it took him longer to respond. Approximately 6 minutes. Not that you were counting.

“You’ll be bored soon enough if you’ll be stuck somewhere with Jasper. What’s the cover?”

You did not like the assumption, but who were you to argue.

“Newlyweds enjoying honeymoon” you typed back and closed your eyes.

Somehow his response to that information mattered a lot.

“I guarantee you’ll wish it was me soon enough” Fucking hell.

“That’s a bit narcissistic, don’t you think?”

“Maybe a little. But once you meet him, you’ll know I’m right”

“Well then I won’t hesitate to report back after the meeting” you replied and made sure to prepare yourself for the mission brief.

After you were done with planning the outfit and packing your folder, you glanced at the phone.

“Please do. I need to know what dear Jasper is up to these days”

“If you’re so curious about him, maybe ask Anna for his number ;) Sure she’d never deny you anything”

You weren’t sure where that came from, but sure enough, you were not going to take it back.

“Wow… Is that jealousy I’m sensing?”

“You wish” you glanced at the clock and realised how late it was.

“Goodnight, Neil” you sent him another text and went to the bathroom.

When you were back there was a message waiting for you.

“Sweet dreams, darling”

You groaned. In the end, it seemed like you will not be able to get a break from Neil. What a shame.

*** From the moment you stepped into the conference hall in the morning, you knew that Neil was right. Jasper was not one of the most entertaining people you have ever met. When you were introduced to each other he barely glanced up from the folder to look at you and half-heartedly shook your outstretched hand. You took a long look at him and his short brown hair and hazel eyes. He did look decent, to be fair. But he was not Neil. And you hated that your brain made that comparison straightaway.

“So what’s the task, boss?” the first time you heard his voice was when he addressed the Protagonist.

“You have to observe the target, Pierre Armand, who’s an inverted weapons dealer. You’re supposed to watch his every move and send daily updates but don’t engage. That will be the job for another team” TP looked at you both intently “Your cover is a newlywed couple going by the surname Morgan and who have just moved into their lovely suite next door to Armand” you’d swear he winked at you.

You glared back while your newly assigned partner studied the folder attentively. You wondered if he ever did anything else.

“When do we leave?” you decided to break the uncomfortable silence.

“Your plane is tomorrow afternoon” you nodded “Any other questions?” when neither of you spoke, he added “So I’ll leave you two to get acquittanced”

You stared at TP panicked, but he only flashed you one cheeky smile and left the room. That did explain why he and Neil got along so well. Grudgingly you turned towards Jasper, who was still pre-occupied with the damn folder. You cleared your throat, and he glanced up.

“So… have you been working here for a while?” you were shit at small talk.

“For three years now” he eyed you up sceptically “You’re the new recruit from London, aren’t you?” you could almost hear the condescension.

“Yes” it was not looking promising “Neil recruited me, and we’ve just been on a mission together in New York” you added.

It was a mistake. At the mention of Neil, Jasper’s eyes flared up, and he looked at you sharply.

“I heard that mission was a major fuck up” the vicious smirk took you aback “And poor Neil got shot”

You could only stare in confusion at the man in front of you. Boring and clearly having issues with Neil. Just bloody perfect.

“Anyway, I got to prepare” he got up “But mind you, Paris won’t be at all like an operation with that idiot” he glared at you.

“And what’s an operation with him like?” you were genuinely curious at this point.

“Overly dramatic” he made a grand gesture with his hands before slamming the doors in the wake of his exit.

He did have a point there. You sighed, grabbed your documents, and exited the hall. On the way to your room, you decided to give in to the temptation and typed a message to Neil.

“With grief, I have to admit you were right about Jasper”

You were not expecting a response instantly, so the buzz when you were pouring coffee into the cup made you jump up. Neil could make your life harder, even remotely.

“Told you. How is he doing?” you read the reply and grinned at the casual tone.

“He’s grumpy and hates you for some reason. Can’t wait to be stuck with him for three weeks” you sighed and accepted the grim fate.

“Sounds like him then. You never know, you might bond over your shared hatred for me”

You nearly choked on your coffee then. A fellow agent passing by on the corridor stared at you. This could only get worse.

“Think my hatred towards you has nothing compared to his. Any ideas why he’s like that?”

“Nothing concrete, but I’ve got a few vague theories. I’ll tell you when I’m back”

“Hope so. What time is it there?” closing the door to your room, you could finally behave like an idiot.

“Past 11 pm. Excited for your outing with Jasper?”

Asia then… You tried to think about any possible places he could be but came up with too many options.

“Not at all. Fully expecting my days will be spent wandering around Paris alone or watching French HGTV”

You decided to look through the folder to distract yourself from the increasing stress. This time you were supposed to be Amelia Morgan, wife to Nicholas Morgan. Amelia’s occupation was being an accountant, which sounded extremely boring, but at least you would get to experience the city. Your study was then interrupted by another text.

“You can always message me if you’re bored”

Tempting.

“Careful because I might”

“You better” To that, you did not know what to say,. so you just got lost in the preparations for the mission. This one was not looking good but there was no other choice. So you just focused on learning about your target. At least this time, there was no one to distract you.

Until another text came, a solid hour later.

“One clue about Jasper: Anna”

Oh not her again.

“Don’t tell me he’s hopelessly in love with her”

“Perhaps… And well, she has eyes for someone else so” and then “Not to be smug naturally”

You grinned at the screen.

“You do sound smug”

You had to admit that if Neil’s theory was true, it was rather heart-breaking for both Anna and Jasper. Not that you felt sorry for either of them.

“He might decide to take revenge upon me by breaking your heart”

You stared at the text and the many implications he could have meant it by it. And it was too much to figure out right now. Instead, you just typed back:

“Good luck to him” and then, with heart thumping wildly “Would you care if he did?”

You tried to ignore the phone when the answer came. But after an agonising minute spent reading the same two words over and over, you gave in.

“Maybe” 

Right… You just had to add that question to the long list for when he’s back. You closed the folder with a flourish. All mental coherence was gone.

*** It turned out that Neil was not right about everything. If Jasper ever intended to claim and then break your heart, he was utterly shit at it. Since the day you moved into your cosy Parisian flat, he barely spoke a word to you. Most of the time, he was buried nose deep in the mission briefs or books related to strategies and secrets of arms dealing. If you had tasks to complete, he would often sideline you before doing the job himself while ignoring any help you offered. To put it straightforwardly, he pissed you off.

And yet, his eagerness to be entirely self-dependent meant that you had time to discover Paris and relax while still completing the mission in any way you could. You also had more than enough time to text Neil, who always responded to your messages promptly. You sometimes wondered if he ever slept or did anything but talk to you. Not that you did mind, of course.

Your patience towards Jasper, his silence and superiority complex snapped for the first time after a week and a half. You have both been sitting in the living room of your condo, just after finishing quiet dinner. You were bored, extremely so. You have reached for the television remote with the intent to put on some background noise to ease the tension. But the moment you have switched the tv on, Jasper spoke:

“Don’t turn this shit on, it’s distracting” he has not even lifted his head from the folder he was studying.

You glared at him sharply and decided that you have had enough.

“Distracting from what? It’s not like you’ve not read this at least five times today already”

That made him look up. And he was not happy.

“I’m working. You should try that sometimes” he eyed you pointedly.

“I would if you ever gave me a chance to do anything” you shrugged, already not liking the conversation.

“I gave you a few opportunities, but you were just lazy” he placed his documents aside and went back to glaring at you “All you do is knock around Paris and stay on your phone for hours” a vicious smile appeared on his face “You’re texting Neil, aren’t you?”

You were taken aback by the whole situation and unable to deny the truth. “Even if I am, that’s none of your business” you were desperately hoping he would shut up.

But it was too late, and Jasper has clearly been triggered.

“That’s quite pathetic. You should know he never actually cares about all those girls he flirts with” he seemed to judge you “And I don’t see why you could be different” the smug smile was cruel.

Now you knew why it was better when he stayed quiet. You scrambled for any words of defence, but he managed to hit the mark. Swallowing hard, you schooled your face and replied in the most neutral tone you could muster at the moment.

“I think you’re just pissed Anna prefers Neil over you”

That worked. You watched with satisfaction as his eyes widened, and you silently thanked Neil for the information.

“Anna has nothing to do with this” it was his turn to stumble over the words “You’re just unwilling to face the truth” this time his harsh words lacked the sureness.

You were winning.

“So are you” you shrugged “I’ve had enough of this. You can go back to your precious mission briefs” you got up and left the room without a further glance.

You had to admit that his words did upset you. Even when you almost certainly knew he was wrong your brain had its own doubts. Because what if he was right? That would hurt, more than you could acknowledge.

But before you could begin the overthinking, the phone you threw onto the bed buzzed. He always knew when to message.

“How’s married life with Jasper going?”

And naturally, he always asked the right questions too. You did hate him for that.

“Now I know why it’s better he reads his documents instead of talking” you replied and debated what to do next.

“What did he do?” Neil quickly texted back even though you were pretty sure it was early morning hours for him.

You did not want to get into a serious conversation over the texts.

“He got a bit riled up and said some bullshit that wasn’t fun to listen to” that seemed like an easy way out for now.

“Do you want me to send a team to eliminate him? It would look like an accident”

You laughed at the tempting proposition.

“I’ll think about it”

“Are you alright?” you stared at the new message.

You were not exactly alright.

“I will be”

Why did lying feel so bad?

You switched off the lights in the room and lied on the bed. Just a week and a half to go. You’ve got this… right?

*** The last week in Paris passed in relative peace. Mostly because you and Jasper stopped speaking to each other entirely. Occasionally you would notice his cruel smirk appear when he caught you texting, and you did your best to ignore it. However, it did hurt, and you had to admit that one argument has managed to uproot all the confidence you have had.

Peace ended abruptly on the penultimate day when it became clear that you were being followed. Jasper caught on to the fact after he noticed someone shadow you on your walk through the city. You hid in one of the cafes as soon as he has signalled the fact to you. You knew he was right the moment a random man peered into the darkened premises and then went on to loiter nearby.

“Right, what do we do?” you looked around, trying to stay calm.

It seemed like no one else was onto you. Jasper already looked pissed off, and you wondered if it meant that more pleasant things would be said.

“I suspect they’ve got doubts about the authenticity of our story” he was intensely scanning the horizon, looking for any threats “He’s still there, waiting for us to blow the cover or prove him wrong” he turned to you with the most unhappy face you have ever seen.

“What is it?”

You were not sure you wanted to know the answer.

“We made it this far. I’m not letting them fuck it up” he leaned towards you and closed the gap.

You were frozen in horror before your brain caught up with the fact that Jasper was kissing you. Then you closed your eyes and tried to reciprocate with the minimum effort needed for it to look believable. It was pretty horrible, to put it simply. He was kissing you sloppily with a tempo that you could not match. You felt his hand clumsily entangle in your hair only to make you flinch when he ripped out a few hairs. After a solid 30 seconds long snog, you decided that had enough. You leaned back, ignoring the overwhelming urge to wipe your lips with the napkin. He stared at you briefly with that same disgusted face before discretely looking for your trail. The man was gone. You could only hope it worked as you exited the café, holding hands.

On the way back to the apartment, you refused to look at him, somehow hoping that would get rid of the awful way you felt. Naturally, being a spy did involve doing things like that but for some reason, it was not easy. You hated the fact that your brain kept on rewinding memories from New York and, in the process, making you feel worse. Once you made it back, you locked yourself in the room, leaving Jasper to fill in the report. You were tempted to message Neil just for the sake of knowing his thoughts on what happened.

“Today was my lucky day, and I got to experience PDA with Jasper. Send help”

That would do nicely, right?

“Must say I didn’t expect that”

As you were desperately looking for something to text back, your phone did something you did not expect it to do. It rang. You stared in shock as Neil’s number flashed as the caller ID. With a shaking hand, you picked up the phone and pressed the green button.

“Neil?” your voice sounded incredibly awkward.

Great start.

“What happened?” hearing his voice after those three weeks felt surreal.

Was it your imagination, or did he sound slightly tense?

“Um… we were being followed outside, so we entered a café. The tail was observing us and…” you took a deep breath, suddenly extremely nervous “And Jasper decided to kiss me to authenticate the cover”

Neil was silent, and that did not help with the irrational anxiety, so you rambled on, losing control of what you were saying.

“Well, it was more of a snog judging by how it lasted for thirty seconds, but I think they bought…”

“Okay, stop” he interrupted you abruptly “I’m not sure I want to know the details”

“Why not?” somehow out of the mixture of anxiety and insecurity, annoyance emerged “Are you jealous?”

You regretted the question as soon as it left your mouth. And did not want to know the answer. Luckily he did not respond. Instead, he did what Neil does best:

“Who’s a better kisser?”

You could not believe the nerve of this man.

“You can’t be for real” you muttered and heard him chuckle on the other side.

“It’s a legitimate question” you could picture the shrug and a cheeky smile.

It seemed like the initial awkwardness was gone. At least for him.

“I…” you huffed, unable to express the mess of emotions you felt.

“Oh, I know it’s you, but I’m asking about me and dear Jasper”

If he were in front of you, you would have punched him. But instead could only let out a frustrated groan and attempt to answer the question. There was only one way to do it.

“You” you mumbled, making sure your voice was barely coherent.

But of course, he heard you.

“I’m flattered” he had the smug tone nailed to the t.

“Fantastic” you sighed “Why did you call me?”

“I just wanted to hear your voice”

“Right”

“And to get you to answer the question”

“Of course” you sighed again “Now I should finish before Jasper barges in” That was partially an excuse, partially a real concern as you glanced nervously at the thin doors separating the rooms.

“Sure, don’t want you upsetting your husband. However, I’d love to see his face when he hears that I kiss better than him” Neil mused, and you gave yourself the liberty to just listen to his voice.

“Well, I’m not telling him that so feel free to do so when you meet up”

Your ears perked up at the sound of footsteps in the hall. Surely Jasper would not eavesdrop on you…?

“I’ve got to go, bye Neil” you hoped your tone sounded at least half as urgent as you felt.

“Goodbye, love. Don’t let that idiot get to you”

“I’ll try”

You hung up just as the doors to the bedroom opened. Sure enough, Jasper was stood there, with a scowl on his face.

“What were you doing?”

“Just being pathetic, I guess” you shrugged and walked past him without a glance.