#people are so focused on making perfect representation that they end up being stupid about it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

teruthecreator · 3 years

Text

okay. thoughts on the grad finale

gonna slap it under a readmore bc i’m Sure i’m gonna ramble.

uh spoiler warning for the finale of taz graduation, as well as spoilers for the season in general.

also, these are my own thoughts of how the season went, what the themes were, etc! if you don’t agree with me, that’s fine! but i don’t wanna have a convo w you in the replies about it i’ll be honest. if you want to share your opinion so badly, make your own post, alright? that good? we cool?

aight. so. finale thoughts.

to make it short: i think the finale was a satisfying end of a very good arc.

to expand upon that, let me share what i think the themes of graduation were and why the finale satisfies those themes.

i made a post about this a while back (here it is if you want) but my honest belief was that the theme of graduation was self-reliance: the concept that you don’t allow yourself to be governed by forces that go against your own beliefs. this concept was coined by essayist ralph waldo emerson to talk about how the american people shouldn’t allow the government to create laws that go against the will of the people. now, understandably, this feels very anti-capitalist which is what i think a lot of fans believed was reflected through the season.

but, in reality, self-reliance has more to do with being active in your government and making sure you’re being represented the way you want to be by your representatives. that’s sort of the vibe emerson was going for in his essay, and i think. in a sense? that translates to graduation. but i took self-reliance in the more metaphorical about breaking away from those things that are controlling you. which, in graduation, was A Lot Of Things.

the way i saw it, there were two major groups that inflicted order upon the world and the thundermen--conveniently separated as order and chaos (not the deities though, just the concepts).

the order half of control existed mostly through the school and the HOG. the HOG created the economic reliance on the heroes and villains system, which removed all literal meaning from those terms and turned them into bureaucratic titles. society existed under these very strict checks and balances; heroes and villains supplied money to the kingdom in terms of entertainment, which then boosted that kingdom’s creditability and allowed them to contribute more to nua’s economy, which then led heroes and villains to have a higher demand, thus perpetuating the cycle. it’s important to note that this term does not represent the sort of morality we expect for heroes and villains--hell, even the term “evil” turned into an arbitrary term used to show those heroes and villains who failed the system. this is the more prominent representation of control that the thundermen break away from in achieving their own self-reliance. they don’t see the value in a system that holds no real moral code (fitzroy Especially, but i’ll get into that in a bit), and can’t help the public when there’s actually a serious situation. as we saw with althea in the beginning, the HOG had no way to help the thundermen when they were dealing with the whole Demon Prince situation (as he had already placed some of his own people in there, proving these kind of systems are easily corruptible). so this wasn’t a system meant to Actually create heroes and villains--it was just a way of boosting the economy.

the chaos half of control existed primarily through grey and Chaos. grey represented how chaos could be controlled, through various means. he planted that tree for the centaurs to fight over because he knew it would constantly create conflict, which he enjoyed. he kept the school under a watchful eye to prevent anyone from stepping out of line with his grand ideas, and used several manipulation tactics to try and get his way (most notably, his own admittance of grooming fitzroy into joining his side, which didn’t work). grey was the perfect example of how chaos does not automatically mean a lack of control. he was very controlling in how he did things because he had an endgoal: find hieronymous and have a war. but he didn’t even realize he was contributing to a greater idea, that being Chaos’s insistence on causing general disarray. as we realize now, Chaos’s plan was both for them and Order, but i’m leaving Order out for a second because they only really rear their head in towards the end. for the most part, audiences were led to assume that Chaos was the Big Bad(TM); they were the one pulling the strings, allowing things to happen to cause general chaos and disarray. them supplying random mortals with their endless power was a way to plant chaos into the world of nua; but it was a chaos they controlled. fitzroy resisting them was not simply a refusal to bend to Chaos, but it was resisting the control put on him through his magic.

these systems were constricting the thundermen on both sides. when they thought they’d find help in one side, they were disappointed to find that there was nothing anyone could do. the only people who could fix their problems were...them. so they forged a new path, set new ideas, and became self-reliant. that’s what i think is the most important aspect of graduation; not the anti-capitalist implications of turning over the economic and political systems in place, but the idea that if nothing that is supposed to help you is actually helping that you can just...do your own thing!

and i think that’s what the finale really shows, at the end of the day. that these forms of control were not doing anything helpful, and were in fact ruining the fabric of space-time! that’s where i think Order comes in because Order is really...the ultimate culmination of control. they are aware that Everything being done will benefit their cause. the HOG? well, they make sure everybody’s so incompetent that they can do their work. grey? well, he’ll contribute to the plan without even realizing it. they even manipulated Chaos and enacted their own form of control over Chaos to make sure that they had no reason to believe that this plan couldn’t go wrong. but Order knew. Order always knew there was a chance for error, and that chance was very great. but they didn’t care! so long as they had control of things, they could try a hundred times to get it right. they had no care for mortals, unlike Chaos.

the thundermen showing Chaos the truth is the final jenga piece that collapses this tower of control. which is why the finale is so great.

travis does a phenomenal job of incorporating chaos (general chaos) into the battle mechanics. it may be stupid and slightly arbitrary, but having them change forms randomly and having to adapt to those new circumstances really does exemplify the season!!! the thundermen were constantly forced into new situations (being sidekicks/henches, fitzroy becoming a villain, being let in on the heiro dog situation, the unbroken chain trial, joining forces w grey, etc.), and in all of them they simply found a way to adapt and keep working their way. which made the finale generally interesting and also thematically interesting!

i think my favorite part of the entire fight scene is right at the end, when argo chucks the shark’s tooth necklace at Order. and time stops. and they’re given a choice.

the fact that they leave it to a coin toss?? oh my god...how fucking FITTING!! like, that’s disorderly. that’s going your own way. it’s new, it’s terrifying, it has DIRE UNKNOWNS ON EITHER SIDE, but it’s what they do! and...it ends up working out! i think it would’ve worked out either way, but the fact that they left it up to chance really shows how they aren’t allowing anything to control their actions.

AND THEN WE GET TO THE EPILOGUE. MY GOD I LOVE THE EPILOGUE I’M GONNA GO OFF SO MUCH.

first off, i loved hearing how Nua adapts to losing this very significant form of government/economic contributor and turns to more people-based work. citizens uniting together, fixing things, making amends, THAT’S SELF-RELIANCE BABEY!!! THAT’S THE WHOLE EMERSON SHIT! HAVING A SYSTEM OF GOVERNMENT THAT ACTUALLY HAS THE INTERESTS OF THE PEOPLE AT LARGE!!! YEAHHHHHHHHH THAT’S THE WHOLE SELF-RELIANCE THING!

now, i’ll break it down by characters:

fitzroy

GOD. LOVE IT. FIRST OFF, absolutely ADORED how his character arc involved him stripping himself of these self-assigned titles because he actually has an identity that is all his own and he doesn’t NEED arbitrary titles to prove his worth because HE HAS IT IN HIMSELF. not to self-plug or anything, but that’s ssoss!fitzroy’s WHOLE SHIT. I’VE ALREADY BEEN ON THIS TRAIN, BITCH, AND TO KNOW I GOT IT SO RIGHT...GOD. FEELS GOOD.

but also, i just really enjoy how his ending went in general. the fact that he doesn’t really know what he wants to do, so he just...does stuff he likes to do? that’s so good! because, if you remember, fitzroy had a Very set schedule of life events when the campaign started. he was going to get his wiggenstaffs degree, go back knight school, get his knight school degree, and then go to goodcastle. but all of that was based on a very limited understanding of himself.

fitzroy’s character arc has primarily focused finding himself, specifically in terms of identity. for someone who was bullied for his past, the present formation of himself was Extremely important to fitzroy. he thought that shutting out his past and taking on this grandiose title of knighthood would make him something more than himself. he would no longer be fitzroy; the poor, country kid trying to make it in a big world. he’d be Sir Fitzroy Maplecourt; respected, honored, revered, with a title to prove it.

he explains to fauxronymous (pre-reveal grey) that the reason he wanted to be a knight was because he wanted to assist in doing good. morally good. fitzroy has Always had a very clear sense of his morality; this comes through when he refuses Chaos on the basis of many people having to die if he agreed. but being a knight also had the added of bonus of a very respectable title that no one would want to look beyond, which fitzroy felt he needed because...i don’t think he Saw anything beyond that. in himself. he wasn’t himself for a very long time, and i don’t know if he ever thought he would be again. he’d wear this new identity, start a new life, and be happier....he hoped.

then, things changed! and he started to realize that arbitrary titles don’t do shit because plenty of people with Big Important Titles ended up being Awful People! so he started to value himself For Himself; his wit, his humor, his strength, his magical prowess. and, i think, he started to wonder what knighthood was Really about. was it about upholding a moral good? or was it just another bureaucracy filled with people who won’t do shit when things get bad.

i think this is why him becoming a lawyer is fitting. especially because of the reasoning he gives sylvia nite. now for A LOT OF PEOPLE, i’m sure they hear lawyer and assume some corporate hotshot who doesn’t give a shit about people. but fitzroy is Not applying to be a corporate laywer. he SPECIFICALLY telsl sylvia that he wants to help people who cannot help themselves, and he wants to do good in that way. THAT kind of lawyer is more of the pro-bono, district lawyer. the ones that don’t make crazy amounts of cash, but help those who cannot afford lawyers and represent them when the government is fucking them over. those lawyers don’t rely on title, they rely on principle.

that’s the perfect representation of fitzroy’s growth. holding his identity within himself, while still trying to do good by those who need it.

firbolg (aka gary)

i think the firbolg’s ending is so unique but so...right for him. his character arc has really been focused around finding his family. he had one, in the beginning, in his clan. but that didn’t end up, y’know...working out that much. so he had to go out into the world alone--something that firbolg’s are rarely--and try and navigate these foreign spaces all by himself.

we see very early on how he latches onto the idea of groups. he likes being considered a part of the thundermen; he very much hoists himself upon the CFO title and wears it proudly. i think, where fitzroy needed to find identity within himself, the firbolg needed to find it within other people. which is completely okay! he’s still an individual, but you can tell he finds comfort in numbers because that’s what he is used to.

him going back to his clan was, i believe, his finally severance with his identity as “firbolg”. he would never be welcomed back to his clan, and one of the few people in his life who supported him was now dead. but his father was proud of him; his father was happy he seemed to find his own clan, even if it wasn’t with other firbolgs. from that moment on, i think the firbolg begins to try finding himself within the thundermen. within his friends.

so his epilogue is neat! it definitely captures the loneliness he feels on his own, and how he feels lost with himself without others. i think it might seem silly to some that he would become a gary, but i think it’s fitting. the garys were always present in his time at school, and they were always helpful. they didn’t mind how long it took him to talk because the gary’s are stone gargoyles--what the fuck do they care about time? it was a group that the firbolg saw as familiar to him--always willing to help, slow, stony, and attuned to a larger group.

and i think the way gary takes this idea of unity and family and puts it into financial assistance just...it just ties everything together! we saw how attached he got to the concept of finances, thanks to his very confusing accounting class. so he had all of this new knowledge--this knowledge that represented a separation from firbolgs--and this new clan. and he used it to help other clans and families!! i think the fact that the Garys financial advice works specifically with groups is what makes this so fitting. because gary wants families to feel stable within themselves; he understands how finances can create struggle and divides, and he wants to provide relief.

giving financial advice to communities so they rely on themselves and not the government (aka inviting them to be controlled once more) is a VERY self-reliant concept. not that i think gary’s goal is to have no social networks to exist, but he wants to give communities the ability to rely on one another and foster that feeling of togetherness. so groups aren’t fighting over things, but are trusting and loving and relying.

just like gary’s always wanted. and just like what he has with the thundermen.

argo

argo’s ending is probably the funniest, but also the sweetest. i think that argo’s character arc revolved around finding his place. we see how argo’s early personality and motivations revolved around his past. he very much had a revenge story since the start; he wanted to enact revenge on the commodore for murdering his mother, no matter what it took. which made him very limited!! in terms of the self. he saw himself less for what he was now, and what he was then. and what he couldn’t do then.

we see how much he finds comfort in being a part of the thundermen, but also how he feels...out of place. i think this is because a part of him is still attached to his past and doesn’t think he can do anything beyond his set plan. the unbroken chain certainly contributes to this, by not only separating him from the trio but also reinforcing his connection to his past through his mother’s involvement in the unbroken chain.

the commodore also being a part of the unbroken chain is, i think, what causes the shift from past to present within argo. his life’s goal is standing right in front of him--attached to the group his mother once was a part of--with his friends at his side. letting the thundermen in on his history is the start of bridging these two halves of argo. and the fact that the thundermen are so willing to helps makes argo feel more a part of the team and more a part of this reality.

when he kills the commodore, it isn’t intense. it isn’t overly dramatic (minus the fight prior, which was BADASS), it isn’t crazily staged. it is argo, staring down the commodore who lies prone on the ground.

he kills himself unceremoniously and completes his life-long mission.

what becomes of him in the epilogue is the culimination of both past and present. he takes what he knows and loves (the sea, the mariah, sailing) and blends it with what he’s come to love now (his friends, this adventure, and making people happy). there are SO many instances where argo uses performance to his advantage. this man is piloted by clint mcelroy, of COURSE he’s going to have a flair for the dramatic.

so for him to open up a themed cruiseline, based on the stories of him and his friends? SO FITTING. and it isn’t forcing himself to leave his past behind or to completely ignore his present circumstances. because he’s found a place in the now, in the merging of these two sides. and by merging them, he paints a bright future for himself. a future that is partially known, partially not. partially old, partially new.

but it’s all his.

after that, i think their final scene is just...sweet. a nice, jovial, joking send-off to a nice season. it proves these people have grown and will continue to grow, even when we no longer see their story. it does exactly what graduation does--shows you a struggle, a triumph, and a glimpse into the future.

i’ll miss it so much, but there’s nothing more i could’ve asked of this ending. it was exactly what it needed to be; nothing more, nothing less.

#taz grad spoilers #taz graduation #sir fitzroy maplecourt #argo keene #firbolg #taz fitzroy #taz argo #taz firbolg #ignorance cloud on #this took a while and now my head hurts so lol!#also if there are spelling mistakes leave me alone i cant read this text anymore

130 notes · View notes

wolfhowlingdragonflyingsirensong · 4 years

Text

spoilers

Since I recently played Life is Strange, which whoah, is totally an experience that I recommend to everyone, I’ve come to appreciate how well the game handles choices. It’s interesting how choices can seem meaningless good acts, like helping Alyssa avoid being hit, translates to her trusting Max enough for Max to save her. But, the game also points out how we can’t control consequences, since good deeds are done with nothing but good intentions can have fatal consequences, such as warning Victoria (and her believing you) leads to her murder, or the biggest good deed of them all, saving Chloe, leads to a storm that (can) kill lots of people. And ultimately, what’s cool is that every choice is canon, since Max it’s not a blank slate, meaning every choice the player makes is something Max considered. What do I mean with Max not being a blank slate? I mean regardless of your choices, Max likes waffles AND bacon and eggs. This is a minor example, but it serves for many things. Max can comfort Victoria or not, and later when they talk at the party regardless of your choice, Max at first is pretty angry, so she’s completely capable of standing up for herself and others. Max loves Chloe regardless of the player's feelings towards her. Max can be pretty uncaring or a literal angel, by Kate. And all of this is canon because even nice people contemplate not being nice all the time, even if it’s only a thought. This brings me to the ships topics. First of all, I’m glad that this game has non-ambiguous, non-sexualized, soft wlw romance (actually two counting BTS!) without the canon protagonist being turned evil or something, and I think that’s incredibly important. If the game had only Chloe as a love interest, I would totally get it and have no problem, because the game is pretty much focused on their bond. Not that it matters to those who do, I personally don't ship it because I self-project (and I totally recognize it) on friendships I had in my youth that were a bit like Chloe and Max's friendship in the first episodes, and they were toxic. Don't get me wrong, I loved my friends and they were (are) good people. I like Chloe a lot, and there's no denying that there are strong feelings on Max's part for Chloe that are romantic, and it's up to the player to determine if Max is going to pursue Chloe. Denying it means that is both not reading Max's diary and erasing her sexuality. I write this because I don't want to seem like I don't ship them because I like Grahamfield, it's not that, I could very well be into both, and I think Chloe develops so much at the end of episode 5 that, while before I thought she was only in love with Rachel, at that point is totally understandable for me. If you ship Pricefield then that's awesome! You have all the canon content to back you up and a beautiful story of love with the childhood friends-to-lovers trope, can't get much better. Plus, the whole game is about their bond. It's incredibly well developed at the end mostly when you see Chloe growing out of her initial angry phase, and maturing in a beautiful way. So, shipping Grahamfield in this fandom sometimes feels like hey, you are a giant dick. I don't like hate on any ship or character (especially dunking on Chloe, because she's a representation of how trauma is not nice while actually being cool and kind, as well as being one of the few wlw canon protagonists), because both choices are completely canon, it's entirely up to the player. Again, if Chloe was the only canon love interest then that would be totally cool. Buuuut Max can choose to go on a date with Warren, write on his slate that he is cute, raise his grade (which can be done as a friendship thing only), help him in his experiment, kiss him, and if she does, she writes in his diary "I wanted one kiss from a boy I cared about", that to me, reads as having a canon interest in him too. And since Max is bisexual from what I understand, erasing that part doesn't sit well with me. Both Chloe and Warren have flaws, which hey is what happens with characters. Can you imagine having perfect characters? That would be so boring. He is a realistic 16-year-old boy to Max's 18 and Chloe's 19 years. He is extremely awkward, dorky, a little cringy, a boy with a harmless boy with a crush and that's normal at that age. He's helpful almost to a fault, and while some argue that's because he feels entitled, let me tell you, no niceGuy I've ever met has been so helpful if you don't give in, they don't back out after someone lets them down nicely, and he states his interest in Max clearly, and niceGuys don't tend to do that because they like to pine away and be angry that a girl didn't read his mind and magically fell in love with him. He believes Max from the get-go and helps her all the time, regardless of his feelings, which is like, basic decency, so if you want to call him a piece of shit I think that's going a little too far. If you want to take the words of others, Kate says he's a smart and silly cutie-pie with a good heart, suggests they take him with them to their tea-shop tour of Portland after everything and supports their date (besides them being friends, he brings her homework and is shown worried about her). I don't remember that part well, but I think Alyssa and Dana also support Grahamfield (and Brooke is very jealous!) so I think if he was an asshole they wouldn't be so supportive and Brooke wouldn't be into him, or Stella in another reality. My only point is that hey if you don't like him that's fine, but to call him a pervert or entitled or assholery is kinda uncalled for, to be honest, and using the nightmare sequence, in which EVERYONE is out of character (except Jeffershit) and shown being assholes, as a canon that he is bad seems to me like going out of your way. It's a nightmare for a reason, do you really think Kate would have said those things to Max if you save her? She's incredibly grateful. Or do you think Chloe would have done those things??? She would NEVER. Then why is Warren being treated as someone who would do those things for a nightmare? I don't get it. There are two myths regarding him: that he spies on Max and that he photoshopped a photo with them. First one, you can verify with mods that he can't see SHIT, he is merely waiting for her outside. Second, the photo is developed, not photoshopped, Max doesn't say hey we never took that photo, she merely is surprised he kept it. Now, he's a bit pushy when it comes to the drive-in (he acknowledges he's a pain in the booty), says like a stupid joke (a 16-year-old making stupid jokes, what a crime), and has that photo, which for some is crossing boundaries, and hey, that's fine. I, personally, just think a 16-year-old having a photo with his friend and crush is not creepy or bad. So, now that I'm over the ship discourse, which I hate but had to write to explain, I'm so glad this game brought so many interesting characters. My only complaint is that it felt a little too short when it came to other characters, I guess it's because the literal theme of the game is about abandoning youth and growing up as well, so that's because it's very focused on Chloe and Max's relationship, besides the romance. I adore Kate! I’m so happy we were able to save her, it was seriously one of the best moments I’ve ever seen in a game, I would have liked to see her future children’s book with Max’s photos, their tea sessions, and her coming back to school. I would love to have seen more of Stella, (a POC I think) that according to her words, faced an abusive home and poverty to end up studying in a prestigious school like Blackwell, busting her ass to work and yet being super cool and kind! I would have loved to see more of Daniel, how he faced bullying, how his home life is, his budding romance with Brooke, his future drawings. I would have loved to see more of Dana! How she dealt with abortion, a heavy topic, and yet she's super happy, nice, and in a loving relationship apparently. I would have liked to see more of Juliet's reporting skills, I feel like she could have been more important to the plot, or at least more exposés on bullying and the Prescotts. I would have loved to see more of Alyssa, what she likes, her relationships, etc. I would have loved to see more of Taylor! How her mom was doing, what steps was she going to take in not falling with the Vortex Club bullshit, her love for fashion, like Courtney. We didn't get to know Courtney at all I feel and I would have liked to! I would have liked to see more of Victoria, her insecurities, her relationship with her parents, her inner thoughts (she's totally bi too I bet), even her friendship with Nathan seemed deeper. I would have liked to see more of cool hipster Evan, or good skater boy Luke. In short, I would have LOVED to have them all hanging more with Max. The ending, oh man, what an ending. It's incredibly hard, and I hate that saving Arcadia Bay seems to go into "bury your gays" trope, because if there was a way to save them both I would. The writing is very powerful, ending the way it began. This leads me to my initial topic, choices. I love that the game gives us choices, and considering there are other alternative realities, maybe both choices are canon in different universes. If I was in Chloe's shoes I couldn't choose to sacrifice my mom, and Joyce dies if Chloe is saved, as well as many other innocents, so I can't choose that ending, I just can't (and I understand that's totally personal for everyone). A really tough choice, at least for me, and hey, if it wasn't specified that practically everyone died, I would have saved Chloe no questions asked. I do love, however, how Chloe matures so much in the course of 5 days and her bond with Max. She sacrifices for Arcadia Bay, and a lot of it is because of Max, because she doesn't want her to make that choice. So now if you excuse me, I'm still playing the funeral scene in my mind and the bathroom scene (totally broken) and had to write this as cathartic, so feel free to disagree with me or whatever you prefer, each one of us experiences a different game because of our different experiences in life. Next step: BTS and LIS2 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x9uy4V8SvPk

#Life is Strange #Max Caulfield #Chloe Price #Warren Graham #Kate Marsh #Stella Hill #Daniel DaCosta #Dana Ward #Juliet Watson #Evan Harris #Luke Parker #Taylor Christensen #Victoria Chase

22 notes · View notes

life-rewritten · 4 years

Text

Symbolism and Foreshadowing in My Gear and Gown

Watching this show has been a pleasure and also at times, frustrating. And I like to always rant about the negatives because it's important to criticise something so next time these mistakes aren't recreated. It's just the sad result of the potential lost from this show to make it one of the best of 2020. But instead of focusing on the negatives, I've decided to bring in the positives, the reason for why I enjoy mostly the character arcs and the use of subtext, symbolism and foreshadowing to bring depth to the story and characters as they grow and change throughout the show. So here's an analysis of My Gear and Your Gown episode 1-7.

Manipulation, Deceit and Miscommunication

Itts hate for the class system (rich vs poor)

As much as I hate how Irrational Itt was during episode 7. I will admit that it's been hinted to the audience that this is how he will react, and this would be the reason for why he and Pai have relationship dynamic in the university arc. He's like a fuse ready to light up whenever he thinks he's been used or manipulated by the system/world. Itt shows hate and disdain for the rich, and we see this with Pai actually in episode 1 when he thinks he gets away with life quickly because he's rich and he judges him as to be someone who gets things quickly with manipulation and bribery. And he tells Pure straight away he hates that, he hates how the rich can get away with everything because they can play the system.

Next, the one thing he showed some care towards, and the reason for their fight was the club room no matter how stupid it was to fight over. We see how defensive he is of the space for people like him to come and enjoy things. Seeing as it's not easy for him to have the things he wants like dreams and hopes. From the beginning, it makes sense he's possessive of the things that matter to him and that he cares about. He's also lost a version of his moral compass; his mum plus I think his dad had also made him wary of adults and people in general with scheming, backstabbing or lack of loyalty (that he feels happened to his mother before she died of cancer).

Itts oversensitive and prideful personality

So it's like all the stuff he said to Pure in episode 1-2 about hating being manipulated comes back to slap him and us in the face when he realises that Pai took a bribe to tutor him and take care of him and help him achieve his dream to become an engineer. It's not because of him just doing it willingly, but he had other motives. So Pai sending him tutoring lessons still without communicating to Itt that he could care less about the club room makes it even iffier and frustrating to Itt which is why he goes to his house and throws the notes in his face. He's like you're really going that far to get the stupid club room and you won't let it go but what about me and our friendship we've built.

He doesn't see that Pai cares more about him than anything else. All he sees is the first impression he had of Pai which is rich, likes to show off that he's successful and better than Itt and gets away with things through manipulation and bribery that Itt won't be able to get away with. And Pai doesn't try after trying once to tell him that, that's not it, he resigns himself to Itt hating him and refuses to communicate or show that it's not the club room he cares about which is just dumb from both of them.

It's more painful for Pai because we know he had an unrequited love for Itt and he's slowly giving up on the hassle and pain that brings, he's decided he's doomed to keep being alone as his one, and the only hero he cares about hates him and also sees him as a menace. He embodies that, decides to focus on what his parents want from him and the path he was meant to take from the beginning; medicine and give up on things that don't pertain to that.

The consequences of Miscommunication

This is why Itt not returning the earring is sad because it's foreshadowing that the one thing Pai held onto for a representation of rebelling from his predestined path and suffocating future is now lost by the person he trusted the most. (analysed about in this post)

Furthermore, Itt is bad at miscommunication, and it's an annoying thing. He doesn't know how to apologise, and so he hides and proceeds to keep acting like he's still holding a grudge; this is why episode 6 was important it was showing how he works and why it will doom his relationship with Pai. Because Pai is someone who gives up easily and lets Itt stay mad. He doesn't try again to talk to Itt after the small smile scene (where you see the hope leave him to try) and the notes to get Itt to understand his feelings. He just resigns himself to being hated by Itt. And Itt even if he comes to a conclusion he's not as mad, he won't apologise or return because he's prideful and he doesn't know how to do that.

It was Waan and Pure who helped him make up with Pai in episode 6, and they seem okay with their own friendship and not willing to help bring the two together again to discuss. Which is sad and frustrating, but it's their business. Itt's over sensitive and prideful ego is what causes him to hurt Pai without truly knowing what it did to him. I'm guessing in University he'll get to see and understand, but I haven't read the book to see if it's just as angsty or if it's fluffy and he manages to reunite with Pai. Also, he seemed to slowly be getting close to recognising his feelings for Pai in episode 6, and I wonder if when we start university arc in episode 8 if he already has come to terms with it or if he still doesn't know he has them. Hopefully, he puts two and two together, and that's why he's chasing after Pai and helping him secretly in the trailer.

The loss of the earring: Foreshadowing and Symbolism

The use of earrings in My Gear and Gown

Don't think I have to spell this out too much, but the earring to Pai represents two things for him. In the rooftop scene in episode 7, he's so determined to hold onto these two things so he can be happy. Still, upon Itt refusing to give it to him and losing it forever, he resigns to the fact that these two things weren't meant to be his. Hence he becomes more robotic and following life rules ordained for him and accepting his loneliness as a norm. The earring represents:

1. Itt to Pai

Itt manages to because of love and feelings pierce through Pai's walls and make him actually want to hope for something more for himself. He's so in awe of how great Itt is when it comes to strength; caring for his mum and being an all-star athlete. He's so grateful that despite disliking him, Itt still came to his rescue. And his feelings are uncontrollable, but he enjoys being with Itt because it makes him feel like he's doing something for himself. The earring is also not perfect when he first sees it, it's missing shades of colour and looks from afar like a rock/brick (which is what Itts name is in English).

The imperfections of the earring point to Itt and the way he's imperfect but Pai can't help but love that about him. It's like his life as a rich heir to his family's hospital is ordained to be on this perfect pathway, he must be smart, reasonable and on top always of everything. He must keep the reputation and dreams of his parents and family, and Itt shows up and shows him that it's okay to have little imperfections here and there it's okay to actually skew of that path, he gives Pai a reason to want to act out and discover what he truly wants for himself. And to break away from that lonely monotonous cycle he's found himself in from when he was born.

2. The hope for freedom and free will.

Again the conversation when Itt convinces Pai to get the earring is another sign of what the earring means to Pai. Instead of being selfless and just thinking of others, he can do what he wants to do, can find his own voice and opinions because he's human not a robot he doesn't have to stagnantly follow all the traditions and rules set before him. He can act out and learn what he truly wants in life.

Pai clings unto the earring because he holds onto that message, helping Itt and Tutoring Itt is the first time he does something he wants to, piercing his ears is the first time he does something rebellious and freeing. He's happy and feels less suffocated by all that is around him. Being with Itt and wearing the earring reminds him of what Itt told him he's free to make choices and to decide for himself what he wants.

The loss of free will and hope of love

It's why the rooftop scene is painful, Itt holding back the earring, acting like he threw it away is a representation of Itt throwing away Pai's idea of free will and self-agency. Almost like the hope and glimpse at what it would be like to do things for himself and skew of the path is now closed because he realises it hurts him. It results in him ending up being hated, pushed to the side and taken for granted.

Just like with love the earring being lost represents love being removed from Pai's life because he decides to not rebel or find what he wants; there's no point when in doing what is ordained for him he'll be successful and protected from hurt and pain. He decides as Itt walks away and his mission is done to throw away all those thoughts and forget about Itt and love. And it sucks.

Losing the earring in episode 6 foreshadowed that Itt was going to lose Pai, or Pai was going to lose Itt in this case, and it immediately coincided with Itt over hearing about the bribe. That's why it hurts because the title my gear and your gown focused on the two earrings of these two, we've only seen the gown side of things with Pai, and so it's time to see Itts own link to the gear earing he finds later on.

The loss of Pai’s Glasses

I also want to mention Pai's glasses. They are also a symbolic tool of his real self and clarity. Itt fixing them for him in episode 1 with a bandage shows what Itt is to him a healing influence for when his life seemed suffocating. But it also represents Pai's actual self and his need for clarity. For him, it's like losing his glasses is like losing a part of himself and also losing the ability to see makes him vulnerable, scared, hurt and weak.

Itt shows up and protects him, and helps fix it. In University Clarity has been lost, Pai's real self has been hidden and pushed down, and he's just a shell, the only thing I'm guessing making him interested in life again, is the introduction to someone known as Mr 950 who seems to keep an eye out for him and help him. Pai no longer wears his glasses as he mentioned in episode 1 and that shows that he's lost the most prominent symbol important to him something he actually did connect with, and a part of himself. He's become entirely the person he wanted to not be, the robotic stoic, monotone person who has to do what's right and be successful. He's also given up on clarity when it comes to love, he's lost any need for it, and he's shoved down those parts of himself that cared. This is why his glasses are heavily talked about at the beginning of the show. They represent him just as much as the earring represents Itt to him.

So yeah we're about to get into University, and it's going to be fun and nice to see Itt finally have to do something to win Pai back. Cannot wait to see who Mr 950 is and how Pai will return back to his hopeful romantic self again. And how Itt will make up for what he's done. Hopefully, the show picks up its pace and actually comes through with a good university arc to make up for the issues we've had so far with it.

MORE ANALYSIS ABOUT THE THEMES OF THE POSTS HERE

#thai bl #my gear and your gown #MGYG #ittpai #pai x itt #bl drama #gmmtv #analysis #cwg #fvete #win pawin #marc pahun

62 notes · View notes

four-rabbit · 4 years

Text

The Last Piece Left

This was supposed to be fluff the first time I had this idea. But then I decided that it could be fluffy with angst in the end. But then I got to actually write it and it became angst with even more angst in the end, so... hope you enjoy

I apologize in advance for any mistakes

Summary: For the first time since he left the Others, Virgil reunites the courage to talk to an old friend, but neither of them seem to know how to feel about each other. Or how to not make things worse.

Characters: Remus Sanders, Virgil Sanders

Warnings: swearing, mentions to death and dead bodies, angst (does that count as a warning?), fight, sex mention

Word Count: 2287

“I told them my name” Remus looked away from the canvas in front of him, just to see who he once called a friend standing in the middle of his room, with an expression as abstract as the paint Creativity was trying to finish. So many feelings in such a small space it became impossible to understand.

“Ok? Good for you, I don’t give a fuck” replied, focusing his gazes on anything except Virgil’s eyes, doing his best to keep his emotions simple. We hate each other. He abandoned us. That should be enough. Virgil stayed in silence for what seemed like a lifetime. “What do you want, emo?”

“Thomas painted his hair” he started.

“Yeah, I noticed. Purple doesn’t really go well with green. Unless we’re talking about a wound. Or a dead body. Nevermind, purple and green are awesome together”

“Yeah, I really liked the hair, actually. I was thinking… I mean, you and Deceit have green and yellow. The core sides also have colors. I’m kinda tired of the black”

“Are you? I think it matches you, boring, quickly establishes that you’re the villain, having been washed in at least some months”

“I just want you to teach me how to sew,” Virgil replied, already starting to lose his temper. Calm down, he said to himself,he may be hard to deal with, but you are here to help, not make things worse.

“Roman knows how to sew, probably way better than me. Do you think I should add like, blood red or more like a wine red?” He pointed to the canvas, answering his own question before Virgil could do so “Yeah, blood red of course, the classic”

“I kinda wanted it to be a surprise. Also, I don’t think Princey’s style really matches mine” Remus wishes he was as honest to himself as he was with other people. He knew deep down it would hurt more to do that. He knew that getting a bite of what used to be their friendship would just make him more hungry for something that didn’t even exist anymore. He knew it would probably hurt both of them even more. But someone wanted his help for the first time in… well. Virgil wanted his help.

“Ok, get out of my room” said, finally turning to Anxiety, who tried to pretend those words didn’t send a wave of disappointment though his body.

“Of course... This was a mistake” mumbled, starting to sink out.

“No dude! Fuck, I mean, like, intrusive thoughts and anxiety is never a good mix, let’s go to your room or a neutral room” quickly explained.

“Oh” Virgil came back, seeming surprised “I can take your room just fine, dude, I’m used to it”

“It got way worse since the last time you were here, trust me, Gerard Gay” Virgil looked around. The view did look messier, if it was possible. The floor felt like skin, but with something off. He could hear whispers in the back of his consciousness, to which he could never identify a source. The smell was less like trash can and more like a trash can on fire where a corpse had been discarded some days ago. But he could take all that. He could take hours in that room, the same way Remus could take hours in his room.

“I don’t see how”

“As much as I would love to see Thomas hyperventilating because his anxiety can’t stop thinking about how people are going to invade his house and slowely murder him if he doesn’t check all the locks at least five times, I’m pretty sure you don’t want that headache. And it will be a hell of a headache as soon as the room reaches your mind”

“Fine, My room, then?”

“Yeah, I’m in need of some new spiderwebs anyway”

Virgil’s room didn’t change much since The Duke was there for the last time, except for some new Disney posters, probably from Roman and a drawing on the desk right beside anxiety’s bed. It was terribly colorful and childish, with all the three core sides and Virgil. Patton, then. Of course it was Patton. Anxiety immediately took the gift out of Creativity’s sight.

“I’m not gonna eat it or anything, y’know?”

“It’s personal”

“Of fucking course it is” He could see how Patton seemed better compared to Janus. But they didn’t need a stupid - and shitty, let’s be honest - card to prove how much they cared for, everything was just so fucking stupid and boring with the core sides, why would Virgil fucking chose to be with them?! What was wrong with him?! What did Remus do wrong?! “It’s really shitty, but I guess daddy has always been bad at everything he did”

“Could you keep it down? For at least thirty fucking minutes?” Virgil snapped, clenching his fists and looking at Remus with pure danger in his eyes.

“Do you have a… “He looked around, wishing he could just stop fucking talking for at least one damn second “A sketch. For how you want your hoodie to be?

“I do, actually” Virgil kept his eyes away from his old friend, the tension in the room so heavy it could be cut, grabbing one of the drawings on the same table Patton’s gift was and giving it to the duke. It was… a concept. Remus conjured a pen, turning the paper and using it’s other side to make a more clear image, giving it back to anxiety.

“How about this?” Virgil tried not to smile, but his eyes betrayed him by shining. It was perfect.

"It 's cool”

“Great” he then started to reunite all the materials. One of Virgil’s older hoodies, purple fabric, white and black threads and…

“Why a spinning wheel?”

"It 's cooler” replied, shrugging.

“If I touch the needle will I also sleep for one hundred years?”

“Who knows? Now sit your ass down, emo, this will take time”

“Ok, what do I do first?” said, sitting on his bed and waiting for instruction. Remus flinched until the realization struck him.

“Wait, you actually want me to teach you? Buddy, I’m the worst teacher ever and you know that” And also I’m a selfish motherfucker who knows very well that if you never learn it every time you need to fix it you will have to ask for my help.

“It can’t be that hard”

“If you actually want to do something decent, it will take at least some days. Do you want The Duke in your room for days? I wouldn’t mind it, we could even have some fun” He smiled maliciously. He was right. Virgil wouldn’t want any of the core sides to know he still talked to Remus. Especially not Roman.

“Fine. How long will it take for you to do it?”

“One hour” He could do it in a couple seconds, actually, but sshhh.

“Ok” Virgil looked down, seeming almost… embarrassed. Creativity grabbed all the materials, conjured a bench, sat down and started to work. He tried to stay in silence, but it was almost painful to do so

“How are the core sides doing? Anything interesting, if that’s possible?”

“Are you trying to do small talk?” Virgil almost smiled. The only one of the Others good with that was Deceit and they all knew that.

“I’m trying to keep it down like you said to protect your now light side ears or whatever” Virgil chucked, rolling his eyes.

“What was that painting about?”

“Oh… I was trying to do an abstract representation of the emotions decay and rottenness bring”

“Sounds like you. How was it going?”

“Like shit. Not literally, even though that’s a good idea, did you know that when we die our whole body, like, relax, including our stomach muscles and all? And yeah, we shit ourselves, so go to the bathroom before you die, I guess” Virgil flinched with that unwanted information.

“I feel like you told me that before”

“I probably did, it’s pretty basic. I don’t know what the fuck is happening, I haven’t being able to paint anything good”

“I thought it was pretty nice” For Remus’ standards.

“Sure you did. But really, how are those dorks? Did someone already explained to Daddy what sex it or nobody had the courage yet?”

“That’s what you’re concerned about?”

“Of course!”

“Nobody did, obviously, but I’m considering, I like Patton, but if he refers to adulthood as adultery one more time I’ll lose it” Remus snorted.

“He does what?”

“Long story, dude”

“Holy fuck” He laughed “He’s definitely doing that on purpose”

“What would he win by doing that?” A couple of answers came to Remus’ mind but he was sure VIrgil would hate all of them. Still, he had to choose one, that how things work “Maybe he likes fucking with you guys”

“Not everybody finds it funny to manipulate the people around them like Deceit” Oh, here we go again.

“Patton and Janus are not that different”

“Name one thing they have in common” fortunately for Remus, the first answer that came to his mind was not that bad.

“Well, if you’re right, they both don’t know where babies come from” Virgil seemed divided between keeping arguing and smiling. He went with the second option. You can do it, Virge. You can not screw everything.

“I guess so. But Patton is definitely better with hugs”

“Which one of the light sides would you fuck if you had to chose?”

“Where did that come from?!” Remus shrugged.

“Just curious”.

“I won’t fucking answer that!” exclaimed, his face starting to get red.

“For me it would be Logan. Or maybe you. Do you count as a Light side already?” Anyway, Logan must be amazing. It’s almost like fucking a teacher and I always wanted to know how it feels like” Virgil was about to order him to shut up, but he knew Remus enough to know it would only make things worse, so he went with a more effective technique.

“How is Deceit doing?” Remus raised his eyebrows, the question surprising enough to stop his line of thought.

“Fine? Why do you care?”

“I mean… are you guys good?”

“As always”

“Haven’t he been… hurting you or anything like that?”

“Janus never hurted me, dude, what the fuck?”

“Except that he did. Except that he does it everyday. You just don’t want to admit it” Remus looked into his eyes, frowning.

“Emo, what is this all about?”

“What do you mean?” Based on how he focused his gaze on the floor, Remus raised his eyebrows even more.

“This is not just about the fucking hoodie, is it?” Virgil stayed in a seeming never ending silence.

“They accepted me, Remus.You guys said it was impossible for the core sides to accept us, but here I am. They could accept you too” Oh, so that’s what this is about. Remus went to one of his rare silences, which were always scarier than his loudest noises.

“We already talked about this, emo”

“But that was before! When we thought they all hated us! But they don’t! Logan is welcoming and Roman is trying and Patton… Patton is willing to receive us with his arms open”

“No, he’s fucking not. Patton hates me so fucking much I’m pretty sure he would get rid of me the second he had the fucking chance and would still convince himself it was the right thing to do” He got up without realizing, putting all his efforts into not crying like a pathetic child.

“I think you’re mistaken him for Deceit” Virgil also got on his feet.

“Janus, his name is fucking Janus, why can’t you just call him for his fucking name?! He yelled.

“He’s a liar, Remus! He doesn’t care about you or any of us! He just wants to… Follow his plans or whatever”

“Oh, do you think Patton cares about you?!”

“Actually yes, I know he fucking does”

“Well, yeah, maybe he does, maybe he doesn’t, but if I get there? Not only will he get scared and kick me out, he will also be angry at you for bringing the freak here into his perfect little world of sunshine and rainbows, so thank you so much, but Janus at least was there for me when I needed it, unlike those dicks or you!” Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry.

“I should have known this was a mistake” Virgil said, letting his shoulders drop with the height of defeat.

“Yeah it was. Here is your fucking hoodie” He finished it with a snap of his fingers at threw it at Virgil, sinking out right after. “Have fun with your new friends, Virgil”

Slowly, anxiety grabbed his new costume. It was amazing, Comfortable, spooky, creative. And it was so… detailed and clearly done carefully, It was… He started crying.Ugly crying, with the tears scratching his throat to came with violent sobs, their warm burning as they fell down his face, wetting his own clothes and the new one in his hands, the pain in his chest seeming like a monster was tearing apart his whole soul, trying to destroy his heart, it hurted more than anything that he ever felt.

He knew, deep down, it was impossible to have a real famILY like that. But he also knew he was a hypocrite and it was easier to pretend things were simpler. It was easier to pretend he didn’t need Remus. Or Janus, by that extent. It was easier to pretend they weren’t family. But not easy enough for him to not hold on to all there was left from what they once called a friendship.

He held the hoodie tighter.

#sanders sides #fanfic #tw sex mention #tw death mention #cw swearing #angst #intruxiety #rabbit writes

15 notes · View notes

type1diabetesinfandom · 3 years

Text

I posted 156 times in 2021

15 posts created (10%)

141 posts reblogged (90%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 9.4 posts.

I added 301 tags in 2021

#t1d - 54 posts

#diabetes headcanon - 53 posts

#type 1 diabetes in fandom - 39 posts

#t1d in fandom - 36 posts

#type 1 diabetes - 33 posts

#actually diabetic - 20 posts

#diabetic headcanons - 18 posts

#t1diabetes - 17 posts

#ao3 - 16 posts

#t1dawareness - 15 posts

Longest Tag: 97 characters

#sometimes when life gets hard i just need to sit and think about all the good things in the world

My Top Posts in 2021

I really hate daylight savings time but to make it even worse it really throws off my insulin pump’s basal rate and my blood glucose reaction times 😖 gah

Like who thought changing the day’s regular schedule by a whole entire hour was a good idea? Looking at you ben franklin! 😖

8 notes • Posted 2021-11-09 23:40:58 GMT

Here’s a starter-list of things you can search for if you’re looking for diabetes-related stuff in fanworks or other online fiction:

(aka a list I could have used years ago because I’m an idiot and don’t think to use keywords)

Diabetic Character

___ Character of the day

Diabetes headcanons

Hypoglycemia/hyperglycemia

Diabetes

Literally just put diabetes in the site’s search engine

That’ll help

I said I could be an idiot sometimes ok 😆

12 notes • Posted 2021-11-08 23:41:26 GMT

What do you like to read about in stories where characters are diabetic?

Do you want slice of life? Time of diagnosis or an established chronic illness? An emotional reveal to friends/family?

How about a Sick Fic where you feel like you’re not alone because clearly the writer gets it? Do you think it’s fetishistic to type out a whump/angst scene where every detail of suffering is described?

Should the character deal in solitude or have multitudes of diabuddies? How many characters are “too many” to be diabetic, or should they all be diabetic?

Do you look for perfect treatment in every way or do you want someone being stupid and knowing it because life is hard and diabetes sucks? Do you look for a happy ending regardless of choices, or do you expect realistic consequences from the character’s decisions?

Do you like it to be subtle, where they have it and they talk about it here and there and you see a cgm or a pump but it doesn’t come up that much? Do you think it’s disrespectful or unreasonable to have a character with diabetes and have the diabetes stay in the background?

Or do you prefer the character’s struggle with diabetes to be front and center, the main point of everything? Or do you think a reasonable balance is possible?

Like I know where I usually sit on things but I’m curious about other people’s thoughts.

There’s so much involved when you have diabetes, and so many, many ways you can write about it. Everyone also has different experiences with their diabetes, so I’m sure we all have different thoughts about it and how we want it represented.

So how do you want to see t1d in fiction? How do you not want to see it? Do you think it’s possible to find the ✨ perfect ✨ representation, either in fanfic or original fiction?

18 notes • Posted 2021-11-18 02:20:40 GMT

I was hoping to have this up by November 1st for diabetes awareness month, but as usual, I’m late. Anyway, here’s the link to my AO3 collection of fics where characters have type 1 diabetes.

Anything in the collection’s works feature the main character being diabetic or the diabetes being a primary focus of the story.

The bookmarks are less focused and range from diabetic characters to non-diabetic hypoglycemia to fandoms where there’s a canonical diabetic character but not a focus on it in the individual fic. The bookmarks are all tagged as clearly as I could make them. I listed the specific tags you can filter by in the collection’s FAQ.

If you find a fanfic or other kind of fan work that you would like to see added to the collection, you can 1) add it to the collection’s bookmarks (please add the appropriate tags), 2) invite it to the collection and wait for it to be approved (the collection is open but moderated), or 3) send me the link and l’ll add it myself.

I hope people find this useful :)

*If you’re not diabetic and you’re wondering what National Diabetes Awareness Month is about, I encourage you to look up the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation (JDRF) or Beyond Type 1 for more details.

29 notes • Posted 2021-11-08 17:30:29 GMT

I’m so excited about this!!!

When I first started looking for fanfiction with type 1 diabetes in it, I was pretty disheartened to find several hundred fics—each and every one having a high chance of being tagged incorrectly by people trying to be funny instead of accurate.

I knew I would eventually wade through every one to find what I could, and I made the T1D in Fandom AO3 collection to easily mark the ones that actually had diabetes.

I’m nowhere near done 😰 but I’ve managed to find one hundred and one fics so far that really do have t1d in them, or a very select few without that show low/high blood glucose well enough to respect.

The statistics of what we’ve got to offer readers so far:

The collection’s works:

25 stories with a type 1 diabetic main/POV character

It says 27 fandoms, but that’s because if you tag Batman (All Media Types) AND Batman (Comics), it counts those as individual fandoms. It’s really more like 18. Which is still a pretty impressive number.

Those 18 fandoms range from popular ones like Marvel, DC, and Star Wars to more niche ones like Grimm, the Baby-Sitters Club, and Lazytown.

Ratings include Teen and Up (13), General (10), Unrated (1), and Mature (1)

Warnings include None Apply (17) and None Chosen (9)

Categories include Gen (9), M/M (9), F/M (2), and Other (1)

The fandoms with the most fics are Supernatural (3) and Spiderman (Tom Holland Movies) (3) tied for first place

See the full post

44 notes • Posted 2021-11-27 14:21:32 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

#my 2021 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #Thanks everyone!!! 💕

1 note · View note

calumrose · 4 years

Text

Trigger [Police/Gang!AU] Chapter 1 || C.H

A//N: I’m in two minds about holding back posting parts because I’m actually in the middle of working on chapter 9 currently, so I’m debating on waiting until I maybe get feedback to see if this is going anywhere, but at the same time I want to get it out as soon as I can so I can be satisfied that I’ve published a whole piece of work by me.

Chapters are going to get a little bit chunky so I hope that’s okay, I got carried away at certain points as you’ll find out as time goes on.

Hope you guys enjoy this even just a little bit.

Love you all!

btw: we meet Calum in this part so... we getting somewhere now.

Word Count: 8.1k

Summary: Eloise Gray and Calum Hood, not two people you would ever think to put together. What started as a ploy for power turned into a romance, resulting in the realisation that loving your enemy may not be such a bad thing after all.

Previous Chapters: Prologue

The loud screech of a horn invaded Eloise’s apartment, the barbaric noise ripping her from her peaceful slumber. It was her own fault for sleeping with the window open, every noise travelling into her bedroom from the streets. Her hand reached for her duvet, groaning softly as she hauled it up towards her head, wrapping herself in its warmth as she hid herself from the empty apartment that she called home.

Today of all days she had prayed for a lie in, for those few extra hours of bliss before she would have to get up and face the world. She didn’t sleep for long anyway but even just an hour or two extra would have been a treat for her, especially today. It would have been the best birthday gift anyone could have given her.

She released a single arm from the warmth of her duvet, grasping her mobile phone from her bedside table, removing the charging cable before tossing it to the floor and turning over so she faced the door of her bedroom. She unlocked her phone, being greeted with a few notifications from varied apps and a few text messages. Eloise couldn’t help but smile fondly at the happy birthday text from Scott, noting that it had been sent just moments after midnight. Obviously, he had to be the first one. She responded a quick ‘thank you’ text before opening her varied social media accounts, scrolling through the fake ‘happy birthday’ posts from people she no longer spoke to. She had contemplated deleting some of these apps but argued against it, guiltily enjoying watching drama unfold online in the comfort of her own home.

The sound of the phone ringing was too loud for Eloise first thing in the morning, sighing as she witnessed the name flash across the screen as his picture lit up with his big cheesy smile she hated to admit made her have one of the same emotion.

“What do you wan- “

“Happy birthday to my best friend! Oh, happy birthday to the one and only, Eloise Gray!” A loud voice sang through the phone, “Oh, she is twenty-one years old and is no longer underage today!”

“Are you done?” She laughed through the line.

“Not quite,” He clarified, clearing his throat before continuing with his made-up birthday song, “Miss Eloise Gray is an adult, she is legal! She can become black out with the best of them! She doesn’t need a fake ID anymore! She is fully legal to party!”

He dragged out that final note, his voice fading out to the sound of a scratched record, erupting a laugh from Eloise. He was always so over the top when it came to her birthday. No one could blame him. He always wanted to make it a day for her to cherish, a day full of fun memories that she could recall and laugh at. He put everything into making sure she had a fun birthday, throwing her a party every year with their friends, strictly confining the invitation list to those outside of the gang to allow Eloise to have a night off, a night where it was just her, Scott, and a bunch of their normal friends.

“Now I’m done,” He cleared his throat with a cough, the sound of his boots beneath him signalling that he was walking somewhere.

“Thank you,” She smiled helplessly, unable to get rid of the appreciative tone in her voice, “It’s a new one to add to the collection of birthday songs.”

“The best yet.”

“That’s debatable, Scott.”

She giggled at his fake offended gasp, smiling as she sat up in her bed, her back against the headboard as she listened into the background of his call. “Where are you? It sounds busy.” She stuck her leg out of the confinements of her duvet, feeling the cold fresh New York air constrict around her warm skin.

“On my way to get you,” He replied casually, “It’s your birthday, El, we have to celebrate like never before. And by that, I mean we need to go all out and have a full-blown party,”

“Isn’t that what we do every year?” She countered.

“Well, yes, but this time it’s going to be even better, you wanna know why?” He teased.

“I have a feeling you’re going to tell me anyway,” She smirked, hearing his frustrated groan through the line before hearing a creak of a door that echoed on the other end the phone.

“Can’t you just play along for once in your miserable life?” He sighed loudly, the sound of his feet being heard through the line getting louder, it sounded like he was walking up some stairs, the footsteps echoing as if he was in a stairwell.

“No because that’s no fun for me,” She laughed lightly, “But anyway, enlighten me on how this year is gonna be better?”

“Isn’t it obvious? You’re twenty-one, we can go out into bars and clubs now without having to worry if you’re gonna get caught out with a fake ID,” He spoke with an obvious tone, speaking to Eloise as if she was stupid, “Which means we need to go out tonight and make sure that we remember absolutely nothing by tomorrow morning, so all that we can remember is what we can piece together by the numerous photographs and embarrassing videos that we will use to torment each other for the foreseeable future.”

“Are you still mad about that video of you dancing to Beyoncé that went slightly viral?” Eloise queried with a knowing tone, unable to stop the smirk spreading across her face at the memory of her birthday two years ago.

They had thrown a house party for her birthday, their friends all piling into her apartment as they spent hours together drinking, singing karaoke, and playing a hopeless amount of drunk board and card games. It was definitely a highlight of her birthday, one that she didn’t ever forget; mainly resulting in many embarrassing videos that never failed to make them smile over the years.

“Only slightly,” He said, a door slamming behind his words as he continued to move.

“You really need to get over that, it was two years ago, and it was funny,” Eloise couldn’t hold back her laugh, “You should lighten up, Scott.”

“And you should get dressed.”

Eloise looked up at the sudden voice that spoke both through her phone but also from the body that stood in her bedroom. She hadn’t even heard her door open and close when Scott entered, finding him stood in front of her as he held the phone by his ear still. Eloise lowered the phone, hanging up the call as she kept her eyes focused on the blonde boy who stood present, “What on earth are you doing here? What happened to ringing a doorbell or even better: telling me that you’re outside?”

“Eh that’s no fun,” He shrugged, smirking as he wandered over to Eloise’s wardrobe before opening it and searching through her clothes, “Also, a quick heads up that you need to look good tonight. By ‘good’ I mean the kind where even I would look at you and go ‘holy shit I want to take her home with me’.”

“You mean you don’t think that anyway?” She teased, winking at his tall stature as he glanced over his shoulder to where she sat on her bed.

“Dear god no,” He scrunched up his face, “I can’t think of anything worse; it would be like having sex with my sister.”

Eloise couldn’t hold back the snort that left her at his remark. He wasn’t wrong. The relationship the two of them shared was very much one of a brother/sister rather than friends. They hid nothing from one another and loved each other as if they really were siblings. He was the big brother that Eloise never had.

“What would you class as ‘good’ then?” She asked, rolling her eyes as she lifted herself out of her bed, moving across the room so she was stood behind him as he searched her wardrobe.

“Wasn’t my explanation before a perfect representation of what it means?” He asked, his eyes focusing on hauling different fabrics out of the cupboard.

“Not really.” She said straight, hearing him let out a short sigh as he continued his search. “Are you seriously going through my clothes right now to pick out an outfit for me?” She rolled her eyes as she witnessed the expression on his face, the corners of her lips turned up ever so slightly at the determination in his eyes.

He didn’t say anything else in the moment as he removed a number of tops from her wardrobe and placed them down on her bed. He returned to the wardrobe to do the same with bottoms and shoes. He would have chosen her underwear as well, but he assumed that was probably going too far.

Eloise confirmed, that was definitely going too far.

“These are your options,” He said, pointing at the variety of clothes spread against her bed, “I’ve expertly sifted through your clothes and pulled out these items that will work with each other regardless of your combination which will make you look gorgeous tonight,” He smiled at her, wrapping his arm around her shoulders as he pulled her into a side hug, “Like I said, tonight we are going all out and you are going to have the time of your life, even if it kills me. You are going to look stunning when you walk into the bar and you will have every single man in said bar desperate to dance with you, I promise.”

“I don’t know if I should be flattered or concerned at the amount of effort that you’re putting into this.” She spoke wearily.

“Can you just shut up and appreciate that I’m trying to do something nice for you?” He exaggerated his sigh and glared down at her, his arm lightly squeezing her as he pressed a loving kiss to the top of her head, “You deserve it for once, El, to just enjoy your night as you and not have to worry about anything else.”

“Is it hurting you to be this nice to me?” She raised an eyebrow.

“Very.” He nodded, trying to hold a serious expression.

Eloise couldn’t hold back her laugh as she turned to fully envelope Scott in a hug, wrapping her arms around him as she smiled. As much as he joked with her about how it killed him to be nice to her, she knew that it was all he ever was towards her. He was the best.

“Now can you hurry up and pick an outfit, I’m hungry,” He grumbled, releasing her, and gently pushing her towards her bed so she could piece together an outfit for her to wear tonight.

She stopped in her tracks halfway between Scott and her bed, turning in place to face him yet again, “Wait, why am I picking so early anyway?” She turned back to him, “If we’re going out tonight, I shouldn’t need to worry about what I’m wearing until later. Also, Scott, it’s not even 10am, why are we planning this now? Why not this afternoon?”

“Because you and I both have a free day, so I’m taking advantage,” He sighed as if it was obvious, “If we do this now, then we’ve got more time for our annual birthday breakfast as well as a few extra surprises I have in store for you.” He noted the small smile that spread along Eloise’s face, unable to hold back his own at the knowledge that it was genuine.

He lived for seeing his best friend smile, knowing she never had much to smile about. It warmed him to know he could do this for her on her birthday of all days.

*****

Eloise’s head slammed against the table in embarrassment as numerous employees of the café walked out from the staff door at the far side of the pastel coloured dining room, an eruption of voices singing happy birthday as they carried over a stack on pancakes to her table and set them down in front of her. Her eyes glared at Scott as he laughed, joining in with the song as he watched Eloise’s cheeks light up a bright shade of pink.

“I am going to kill you.” She grumbled over the voices that sang to her, her eyes unable to find a focal point as she felt the stares and smiles of strangers on her back who watched as the festivity continued around her.

After what felt like forever, the elderly employee wished Eloise happy birthday with a genuine smile spread across her face as she and the other employees disbursed and went back to work. The strangers around them also went back to their own food, socialising with those who sat opposite them in their booths. Eloise could slowly feel the eyes that were previously on her begin to dissipate, the burning sensation that rose on the back of her neck simmering down gently.

“You are so lucky that I have pancakes in front of me,” She warned, “If it were anything else, I swear I would throw it across the table at you.”

“’Thank you, Scott, that was so lovely and thoughtful of you’,” He mimicked her in a high pitched voice, “Oh no worries, El, just trying to do my part to make sure your birthday is a memorable one.”

She couldn’t help the goofy smile that graced her face as she looked at him. He was really trying to make this a day to remember. She appreciated the thought - although not the embarrassment - but the kindness behind the gesture that took place was one that made her smile with genuine thanks.

“You’re such an idiot,” She laughed as she cut into her food, shaking her head, “You would kill me if I did this for your birthday.”

“Exactly, which is why I can do it for you,” He shrugged, “But also the fact that I like my birthday is the reason why I would kill you for pulling a stunt like this, you on the other hand, despise the day so I pull out as many stops as I like to make it a day you can enjoy. And it looks like I am succeeding yet again for another year.”

It was sickening how lovely and thoughtful Scott could be when he tried. It was a polar opposite side to him compared to when he was tied up in the gang. The same could be said for Eloise, both of them acting almost completely different when in that situation.

The mood of breakfast subtly shifted while they ate; the change being noticed by Scott rather quickly as he watched while Eloise picked at her food. “What’s on your mind?” He asked, lifting a piece of toast to his mouth as he took a bite.

“It’s nothing,” She shook her head, smiling up at him, “Just thinking about how I’m going to finish these pancakes.”

“And what else?” He raised an eyebrow, watching as her breath hitched in her throat ever so slightly.

Usually when something bugged her and she brushed him off, he let it slide. He wouldn’t pester her, knowing that if it got bad then she would usually talk to him. But he knew she was vulnerable especially right now, her birthdays typically rolling with the same routine where she had a low moment or two before they were replaced with fun and adrenaline later on in the night.

“Honestly, it’s nothing.”

“El, please- “

“I said it was nothing so drop it!” She warned, glaring at him from across the table. She sighed deeply as she dropped her fork and placed her head in her hands, knowing she was just letting things get on top of her as she usually did on this day each year. She knew she would move past it and be fine in a few hours, but she couldn’t help but dwell on the maybes that circled her mind.

“You know you can always vis- “

“I’m not doing that,” She shook her head, not even looking at Scott as she cut him off, “There’s no way in hell I’m going there, especially today.”

“As much as it hurts, you’re going to have to do it one day,” Scott sighed as he leaned back in his chair, “Whether you want to or not, El, because you need to.”

“Go to hell.” She muttered, pushing her plate away from her, her stomach suddenly becoming sick at the thought of the pancakes that sat in front of her.

“Unfortunately for you I don’t think they’re quite ready for me yet,” Scott joked, “Maybe tomorrow if you’re lucky.”

He could sense the roll of her eyes from beneath her hands, a soft sigh building in his chest as he watched his best friend dwell on the memories that followed her with every step that she took in life. He did ask himself if one day she would get the closure she didn’t know she needed, if one day she would find the happiness she craved; not the happiness that she felt when she was having a good time with friends but instead a happiness where she could wake up in the morning and look at her life and love every moment she breathed. He wanted that for her more than most.

*****

She couldn’t stop staring at the clothes that were laid out for her on the bed, her eyes scanning over the different materials as she pieced them together in her mind. Was she crazy for being so bold? Well, most people wouldn’t call her outfit of choice for the nigh bold but for Eloise, this was definitely a step out of her comfort zone.

“You better be getting ready!” A voice called through the closed door of her room.

“Yeah.” She responded, fake conviction in her tone as she kept her eyes plastered on the mesh long-sleeved top that was staring back at her, as if playing an intimidation game.

Maybe she would feel better if she just got dressed, yeah maybe that would fix her nerves. Nerves? Is that what they were? She never feared a night out before so why was tonight any different?

Her fingers trailed over the blue denim skirt on her bed, sighing as she remembered the day that she had bought it. Well, the day it had been bought for her. She couldn’t fight the underlying twitch in her heart as she remembered the woman who bought her this skirt, remembering her almost as well as her own mother. Scott’s parents always looked out for her, and always bought her nice things for her birthday every year when she stayed with them, celebrating the day with great joy and treasuring the sentimental value that they carried with all celebrations. The denim skirt was the last thing Scott’s mother had bought for her before she left, it being found in a thrift store on one of her monthly escapades, seeing it and instantly thinking of Eloise. It was simple yet intricate, much the opposite of the girl who wore it.

Eloise, get over yourself and just get dressed for crying out loud! She scolded herself as she sighed, rubbing her face with her hands before she began to get dressed, silently trying to convince herself that she would feel better in a few hours.

Scott had pieced together their entire night, the birthday celebrations estimating to last until the early hours of the next morning as per usual on their nights out. Eloise couldn’t deny she was just a little bit excited about tonight, the buzz gently floating around in her stomach at the thought of spending time with her friends, allowing herself to feel like a normal girl living in the Big Apple.

She couldn’t stop her eyes from drifting to herself in the mirror as she stood in her bedroom, the minimal décor suddenly making her feel as if she was out of place, as if to feel unwelcome as the colours of her outfit contrasted against the neutral theme of her room. Her eyes followed the outline of her outfit, biting the inside of her cheek as she looked at where the skirt ended midthigh, the waistline of the denim material blending into the black mesh top she wore where her offending dark green lace bralette could be seen through the thin material.

Her choice of outfit was bold tonight when it came to her usual taste in clothes. She knew teasing comments would be made tonight by her friends, awaiting the joking remarks they would make in response to her somewhat bold choices. She would blame Scott for the decision, like she always did.

The sound of her bedroom door opening tore her eyes from the mirror, meeting her tall friend as he stood in the doorway and watched as the dark-haired beauty in front of him nit-picked at herself.

“Not too shabby,” He smirked, admiring his best friend as she stood in front of him, “Is that some colour I see?”

“Shut up,” She rolled her eyes, moving to walk past him and nudging past his shoulder as she walked out into her hallway, making her way into the kitchen to pour herself a drink. He always made her feel good, made her feel confident, and she appreciated it when she didn’t have the energy to do it herself. She didn’t usually doubt how she looked, it typically being one of the last things on her mind as she travelled around in her staple black jeans, white t-shirt, and rugged leather jacket with her classic combat boots. “Drink?” She called out to Scott.

She reached onto the kitchen island, grasping hold of the first bottle neck that caught her attention, her eyes scanned the label. Yeah, that would do. She poured some of the copper liquid into one of the plastic cups she kept stored for nights like these, reaching over and grabbing the nearest soda she could find, pouring it into the cup, and creating the alcoholic concoction that she prayed would give her the buzz she so desperately desired. She then followed the same recipe for the mixture as she poured it into another cup and handed it to Scott, placing it in his hands before knocking her cup against his in a ‘cheers’ notion, lifting the cup to her lips as she took a large gulp of the bitter drink.

She scrunched her face up at the sharp taste, shaking her head once as if to adjust to the aftershock and slight burn that settled in the back of her throat.

“Are you not going to let me do a birthday toast to kick your birthday off in style?” Scott asked, his eyes furrowed slightly as he watched Eloise take another drink.

“Considering how bad your rendition of happy birthday was this morning,” She smirked, “I think I’ll pass. I would prefer if we focused on getting as tipsy as possible before the others arrive so we can head out and paint the town.”

“For once in your life, you’ve actually had a good idea.”

“Dickhead.” She mumbled under her breath, clinking her plastic cup with Scott’s as they continued to drink, preparing for the night ahead.

*****

Her body vibrated with the beat of the music as it erupted throughout Moxi’s. She could barely hear herself think as she moved to the music with her friends, unable to stop the smile that spread across her face, her cheeks aching pleasantly at the people around her.

Unable to fight the buzz that took over her mind and body as she moved around the floor, grasping the hand of her friend, Paige, as she helplessly – and terribly – danced around the glowing floor. Eloise had lost count of how long she had been dancing more, never mind how long she had been at the club for. She witnessed the bodies around her, depicting each one as her friends as they surrounded her, each one in their own world as they danced around, smiles across their faces while they lived in the moment.

It was times like this she lived for, the moments where she was surrounded by the people who she loved more than life itself.

“Have you noticed that guy at the bar?” The voice she deciphered belonging to her friend, Mia, spoke loudly to her. Eloise’s eyes drifted over to the bar to her right, the neon lights along the top of the bar and scattered along the back wall in different phrases and patterns catching her attention initially before she admired the crowd that spread along that side of the club. Her eyes searched as people were dispersed along the bar, many of them shouting out with a glimmer of hope to catch the attention of one of the few bar staff that were littered along the bar before they stopped on him. Eloise let her eyes settle on him for a moment, feeling Mia’s body stood beside her but the heat that radiated from the excited brunette beside her was the last thing on her mind. “He’s been watching you since you got up to dance.”

“Has he?” Eloise felt her lips turn up at the thought of being watched by an attractive stranger, “What if he was just- “

“El, he was staring at you. By staring, I mean the ‘I want to take her home and fuck her senseless’ kind of stare,” She blurted, “In the least creepy way possible if you can even do that.”

Eloise just let a simple hum slip pass her lips as her eyes met the stranger’s, unable to decipher much about him due to the distance between them, but the one thing she could work out was that he was hot.

The heat of a hand on her wrist tore her eyes from the stranger at the bar, the brown of her irises turning around to be met with the olive green ones of Roman, another one of her friends who had come out to celebrate her birthday. She couldn’t help the smile that stayed on her face as he dragged her further into the dance floor, bodies surrounding them as they danced. Although her smile never faltered, Eloise couldn’t help but feel the small seed of disappointment that settled in her stomach due to her short lived, silent interaction with the handsome stranger.

“Where’s Scott?” She leaned into Roman’s ear to talk, realising that she hadn’t seen the blond for a while, the music around them seeming to increase in volume the further into the dance floor they travelled.

“Last I saw him, he was kissing some girl outside the bathroom,” He responded loudly as he held one of Eloise’s hands, spinning her in place.

“That’s my Scotty!” She erupted into laughter, clapping her hands briefly together before they were grabbed again by the summer-eyed boy in front of her as the dance moves got more exaggerated and more chaotic.

Eloise knew she was going to be in pain by the morning, her feet already slightly burning at the heels she had been forced to wear out tonight by Paige but especially because the movements her body was eliciting were not ones her body was made for. God, she was going to regret this, but in the best way possible.

The night continued on as the music did, shifting from numerous electronica tracks to the few well-known classics that caused the club to erupt into cheers as people sang along drunkenly to the words that they swore they knew. Eloise couldn’t deny that her mind wandered on more than one occasion throughout the night, the handsome stranger filling her drunk brain as she sat at a table with her group of friends.

The smile on her face was a drunk one, but one of fun. She was having a blast, something that she always knew she had when the celebrations got truly under way every year. Scott had outdone himself yet again in making this a birthday she enjoyed. Her mind was distracted from the puzzles and memories that usually haunted her, instead filling it with a fairy-like haze as the alcohol settled in her system, her body radiating a gentle heat as she sat surrounded by the people who mattered. Even if one of them was an estranged young lady with bleached red hair.

“So, Scotty, who’s your friend?” Jackson smirked, head nodding towards the red head who made herself present on their friend’s lap. It couldn’t be faulted that she was pretty but definitely too drunk to know who’s lap she was perched on.

“This is Lydia,” Scott spoke, his voice deep as his eyes scanned down her body before slowly meeting her eyes once again, a filthy smirk creasing his lips as his eyes practically undressed her in the public building.

“Pig.” Eloise coughed, keeping her voice quiet as she teasingly smirked at her friend across the table.

What happened to tonight being the night where Eloise would find someone to take home? But as per usual, Scott beat her to it.

Or did he?

“Move.” She muttered suddenly, her knee nudging Jackson’s jean covered leg as she tried to make her way out of the booth, her hand shoving his shoulder to hurry him along.

“How charming,” He rolled his eyes, “What happened to saying please?”

“Just move. I gotta pee.” She groaned, shoving him a bit harder this time.

Small outbursts of chuckles and smiles were exchanged around the table as Eloise made her way out of the booth, gathering her balance as she walked through the club, her eyes finding the toilet door just to the right at the far side of the bar. Her heeled feet carried her steadily through the crowds, walking along the makeshift path made by the gap between the people stood along the bar and those on the higher tables above the dance floor.

Eloise couldn’t stop herself as she allowed her eyes to travel subtly along the bar, keeping an eye out for a certain individual, wondering if he was still around for her to catch a knowing glance. Realisation struck her as she reached the bathroom door, her mind stopping the disappointment in its tracks before it had the chance to settle. She didn’t need to feel that right now. So what? A handsome stranger caught her attention then vanished? It wouldn’t be the first time.

She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror when she exited the stall, noting the way her hair fell down her shoulders, the way her pupils were enlarged slightly due to the buzz of the alcohol she had consumed throughout the night, the way her makeup was slightly smudged due to the sweaty atmosphere of the bar. She didn’t care enough to fix it, in a way admiring how it still looked presentable. Although she wasn’t sure if that was genuine or if her vision was just playing tricks on her.

Eloise couldn’t help but smile as the thin arms of Paige appeared around her torso as she was squeezed into an awkward hug from behind. “How’re you doing?” Paige smiled, her bleached blonde hair curling perfectly around her thin face.

“Why does everyone ask me that?” Eloise sighed, the smile disappearing as she looked at the reflections of the mirror. Paige noted the way Eloise’s body tensed, her shoulders squaring and her breath catching as she met her chocolate eyes in the mirror, her arms remaining comfortably around her friend as she rested her cheek against Eloise’s back.

“Because we know that you’re hiding something,” She spoke quietly, “El, we know things are bad, but you’ve got us, you need to talk to us about stuff.”

“I’d prefer not to,” She spat, “No offence but you guys don’t know anything so stop pestering and just let me enjoy my night.”

“And how do you expect to do that when you can’t get out of your own head?”

“You’ll see.” She told her, standing up straight before looking towards the door of the bathroom.

She was going to find that stranger and show her friends exactly how she wasn’t in her own head. She was going to make tonight her night.

Paige slowly released Eloise from her grip, turning the girl in her arms and looking into her oak-coloured eyes, smiling sweetly at her before she nodded towards the door, “Let’s make this a night to remember then,” She cared for Eloise as much as they all did, she saw her as a little sister like they all did; each of them feeling this urge to protect her and look out for her even though they knew she was more than capable of doing it on her own. They just couldn’t fight their primal urges.

Eloise’s feet could barely keep up as Paige dragged her back out into the loud atmosphere, the lights flashing around her as she led her back out onto the dance floor, her hands linking with the blonde’s as they began to dance; hips swinging and heels clicking as they moved to the beat of the music. The upbeat thumping of the current electronic track began to fade out, the smooth scratch of a familiar track beginning to take its place as it blasted throughout the club speakers. Laughter was held back by Eloise at her friend’s ecstatic expression, eyes the size of her head, her hands gripping those of the tall brunette as she pulled her further into the middle of the dance floor, her hips turning sultrier by the second as her movements slowed down to match the beat of the music.

To hell with it, Eloise thought. She grinned widely as she joined in, her hips matching Paige’s rhythm as she stood opposite her, both of them fully losing themselves in the song that surrounded them, their eyes focused on each other when they weren’t closed as they embraced the alcoholic buzz. She couldn’t deny that she enjoyed the feeling of multiple pairs of eyes on her. She could feel them burning through the fabric of her thin top as well as her skirt as the fabric rode up ever so slightly on her thighs.

Her lips parted slightly as she softly sang the words along with the music, swaying her hips to the rhythm. They were soon joined by Roman who found them on the dance floor, his hands finding Paige’s waist as he swayed with her from behind.

Eloise couldn’t deny the subtle feeling of dread when Roman showed up, enjoying it before when it was just her and Paige dancing. When he came into the picture, it just felt as if she was a third wheel to their relationship, a spare part in the project. She didn’t want to feel as though she was perceived as selfish for feeling that way, but she couldn’t help it.

“I’m gonna go and get another drink,” She called to Paige, brushing her hand with her own before slipping away from the crowd and heading over to the bar. Her aching feet carried her through the club, each heavy bassline of the song playing rattled through the place which Eloise felt with every step she took. Maybe another drink would help, she thought.

She found a perfectly timed space at the bar, slotting herself between the underage drinker to her left and the toy-boy to her right as she leaned against the bar, looking out to see where the nearest member of staff was stood along the bar. Her blunt nails tapped rapidly against the skin of her cheek while her head in her hand, her eyes absently reading the neon signs that were scattered around as she waited to give her request. This was the one downside about separating from your group on a night out; having to actually go and wait at the bar to order your own drink. Typically, their group would order in bulks so one person would buy for everyone to save multiple trips every time that someone wanted a drink.

Before she knew it, a bright yet tired smile greeted her from behind the bar, a young man with shaggy auburn hair stood at the till and asked her for her order. It took a moment to register that it was her chance, her throat catching for a second before clearing and allowing her to speak.

“Just a vodka and lemonade please.” She smiled sweetly, trying to somehow ease the tension in her ankles from her heels and she shifted her weight between both feet.

“Single or double?” He asked, pressing a couple of buttons on the black machine before his eyes met her own once again, “Or is that a stupid question?”

“Surprise me.” She winked, letting out a small laugh as she reached into her bag and pulled out her card.

Thankfully, the barman didn’t long to make her concoction, allowing her to get back to her friends as soon as possible, being reunited with the familiar faces she was spending the night with. She made her back to the booth where her friends sat, perching herself on the edge of one of the seats as she sipped her sweet drink. She caught the end of a conversation – more like an argument – between Jackson and Mia, the situation seeming to be get heated between them as Mia looked to be close to tears.

“What the fuck is going here?” Eloise cried out, spotting her friend with glassy eyes leaning forward as she pointed an accusing finger towards the broad man sat on the opposite side of the booth. Her eyes shot between the two young adults, confusion clouding her brain as she tried to figure out what happened, the drunk state she was currently in not helping the situation much.

She made a silent note of Scott’s absence, already knowing that Paige and Roman were dancing, her eyes glancing around for the blond friend who she knew would be with the red head she met previously. No sign of them… Great.

She tried to concentrate as her two friends continued to argue over the table of the booth, hopeless slurs being thrown at each other as they yelled. Eloise really didn’t understand what was going on, nor did she care in all honesty, but she still had to be the good friend who would break up the argument and restore peace to the friendship. She really didn’t want to have to share a taxi back with them if they were still arguing.

“How did this even start?” She groaned, throwing her head back dramatically as she rolled her eyes, looking back up at her friends before she waited for the rushed explanations to begin. As much as she loved Mia dearly, she knew she was one for starting arguments when she drunk, it was what she was known for. There wasn’t a night that involved alcohol where there wasn’t a fight that had to be defused due to her.

Long story short, Jackson made a comment about a girl’s dress and Mia took it upon herself to assume he was being rude, and accusing said girl of having ill intentions of her night out. Which, of course, is ridiculous and Mia would have known had she not been numerous double mixers into her night.

Eloise couldn’t hold back her frustrated sigh as she glared at Mia who could barely sit up right in the booth. She needed to be taken home. For a gang banger who put up with a more brutal situations in her daily life, it was a drunken friend that drove her to her limit. “Take her home, Jack,” She sighed, keeping her eyes firmly planted on the brunette who swayed in place, “She’s had too much to drink and the last thing we need is her being kicked out of here alone.”

Eloise assisted her friends in her own drunken state, the alcohol leaving her with a gentle buzz as she sipped her drinks throughout the night, lifting Mia up from her seat and helping her walk towards the door of the club, patting Jackson’s shoulder as he led their friend outside and into a taxi.

Two down, three to go…

She took a deep breath as she made her way back over to her table, silently begging that nobody had claimed it as their own while she walked her friends out, hoping that even in a drunk state, people would see jackets and bags and realise that people were sitting there. Who was she kidding, that never happened. Which is why she wasn’t surprised when she found someone sitting at her table when she returned, her heels clicking against the floor as she made her way over, ready to make the intruder aware that the table was already taken.

Well, she was about to until he looked up, his face causing her breath to hitch in her throat. She felt her mouth suddenly dry up as her eyes froze on his calm expression as he looked at up her, sensing her presence without her speaking a word. She couldn’t ignore the beauty that his face held, the tanned skin that she could make out beneath the flashing lights of the club, the deep dark eyes that met her own as they stayed in silence.

It was him. The handsome stranger.

“You’ve got some moves by the way,” His voice spoke out, his eyes remaining connected with hers, his tongue running along the inside of his bottom lip. He noted her shallow breath that she attempted to take without being noticed, unable to hide the shaking in her throat as she exhaled. “Something that I’m sure gets a lot of attention.”

“Your point is?” She spoke up, her voice surprisingly strong although her breathing was not.

She couldn’t help the lump that formed in her throat when she saw his smile, a teasing strip show was less erotic than that goddamn smile. She felt the effects of that charming smile knock her for six.

“Just saying there must a lucky guy who gets to see that later in all its glory,” He smirked, his posture straightening as he reached for her glass of vodka lemonade, lifting it to his lips and taking a small sip.

Eloise could only dream of being that glass in that moment. What was happening to her? What happened to the tough exterior she usually put on; the one that typically made boys fall at her knees? This time she was the one who was crumbling at the feet of a man she didn’t even know.

“And what if there isn’t?” She straightened her back, attempting to regain her confidence, erasing the previous rush of butterflies as she resumed back to her placid stance, allowing for her feet to carry her the rest of the way to the table, comfortably leaning against the edge as she stood just metres away from the man who easily claimed her attention. Who would have thought a stranger would have so much control in such little time?

Eloise was sure it happened all of the time, unable to deny how handsome he was, how pretty he was. He must have had numerous women falling at his feet for a chance with him, and Eloise was no different than the rest of them. But she didn’t want him to know that.

“Then that would be shame,” He teased, moving along the booth so he sat right at the edge, his eyes never breaking contact with hers, “A true utter shame.”

She noted how his voice slowed down, his annunciation of each word made clear through his mixed accent. It sounded American but there was a twang in there, she couldn’t pinpoint from where exactly. “And why is it such a shame? It’s not as if it affects you.”

“That’s where you’re wrong, doll,” He stood to his feet, the muscles beneath his leather jacket bulging as he leaned an arm against the table and turned to face her, “It wouldn’t be very gentlemen like of me to allow a young lady like yourself to travel home alone in your state.”

She couldn’t help the smirk itching her face, rethinking the amount of drinks she had consumed over the course of the night, the buzz still filling her with a warmth as her brain gently felt like a slow-motion volleyball being tossed back and forth inside her head. She had to admit to herself that for such a gorgeous man he had poor game. Although she couldn’t deny the nickname elicited an excitement inside her she didn’t know existed, causing something inside of her desperate to hear it once more. With the distance between them closed further, she noticed his beauty only grew as did his height. He was more beautiful than she already thought, or maybe it was just the alcohol taking over again. She noticed how plump and soft his lips looked, how his cheeks were full and supple, while his eyes were dark like hers but seemed to hold a vortex beneath them; a vortex which she wanted to explore.

“I think I’ll manage just fine on my own,” She leaned against the table, her hand resting on her hip as she admired his sculpted face.

“Doll,” He spoke, his voice merely above a whisper yet she could hear it perfectly clear, “Why can’t you just take a hint that I’m interested? And I can tell that you are too.”

“I think you’re overestimating your game,” She teased, although the effect the name had on her wasn’t hidden, “You’re pretty but your game is shit.”

“Oh, but I can assure you, my mouth can do more than just talk a shit game,” He licked the corner of his bottom lip, the edge of his tongue poking out as he watched her eyes flicker.

She hated that she was so turned on by the sound of that. Eloise could always fake emotions pretty well but in this situation, the attempt at hiding how she felt was futile. God, what was she doing? Was she actually considering disappearing with this man and getting up to goodness knows what? Yes, she was.

Before Eloise could begin to comprehend what was happening, she was in the back of a cab, her lips attached to his as his large hands roamed along her thighs, hips, and torso as she straddled him. The apology for the taxi driver being the last thing on her mind, her subconscious aware that they were probably used to these sights in the unsociable hours after a Saturday night.

She couldn’t help but make a mental note of how soft his lips were against her own, how large his hands were as they slid down her body and cupped her behind, the grip against her skin through her denim skirt sent heat to multiple areas of her body, his touch erupting a fire within her.

She panted for breath as he detached his lips from hers, his plump ones creating a path as they trailed along her jaw and down her neck, his teeth coming into the mix as he gently nipped at her soft skin, working his way to leave a mark; a brand that marked her as his for the short amount of time that they would spend together.

“I didn’t…” She panted; her voice weak as her eyes closed at the sensation his mouth evoked within her. She tilted her head to the right, allowing him greater access to paint her skin with various shades of blue and purple as her hands found his hair, “I didn’t even catch your name.”

She felt the vibration of his hum travel through her, the noise was deep yet symphonic much like the tone of his voice as he spoke, “The name’s Calum, sweetheart, but you can call me whatever you want.”

His voice sounded exasperated, as if it was lost and he was searching for the air to breath, his lips reattaching to her neck as they travelled back up her body, reattaching with her own pink ones as he placed a long, sucking kiss to them that he never wanted to end. “And what should I call you?”

“Eloise,” She whispered, her lips lightly brushing his as she spoke, her voice so quiet it could barely be heard, “But you can call me El.”

And by god he did. Repeatedly.

---

Tag List: @steviemae

53 notes · View notes

ask-the-clergy-bc · 4 years

Note

hello! if you're comfortable with this, could you write headcanons for the papas + copia with an asexual s/o? or just an s/o thats not into sex that much?

Always comfortable with Ace representation, my dude!

This might play off a bit of my last ask, but without focusing on the partner being sex repulsed- so much as just being uninterested altogether.

Papas and Copia with an Asexual Partner

Papa Nihil:

~At first he’s actually not sure what you are talking about. Even though he was familiar with the concept, it never really had a name when he was a younger man. It takes you a minute to convey what it means to be ‘ace’. Nihil just goes- ‘OH! There’s a name for it now? How clever! Like a card deck!” Then you both just go on with your life together.

~Nihil is just happy to know as he never wants to cross any of your boundaries. If you, his beloved, do not want to get physically intimate then you won’t. Simple as that! He rather shower you with genuine affection and emotional stability than JUST sex. Your relationship is more fulfilling for the both of you this way!

~If you give him permission he might ask to see others for only a physical release should the need arise- but it’s not a number one priority for him. If you aren’t comfortable with that, then neither is Nihil. He just finds another way to spend his time with his harem- like starting a poker tournament.

Papa I:

~How perfect as Papa himself can be identified as ace and genuinely does not have as strong of an interest or need for sex as the rest of his family. Not that he won’t turn down offers from a beloved partner or looks down on it; lust is a sin cherished by Lucifer after all! Papa just prefers more intellectual and emotional bonding with any significant other.

~The only time the subject comes up between you both after the initial discussion is only one of two times: The first being if and when you have a moment of wanting to try it or indulge. Papa is always happy to please you in any way! He’s actually quite experienced and is ready to engage should you wish.

~The second is if he has an upcoming ritual or ceremony that is sex based. If he has to physically participate he will ask if you want to join as his ritual partner. If you don’t he will then ask if you are comfortable if he were to get a strictly business partner for said ceremony (fear not, if that isn’t ok with you either then he won’t physically participate!) Either way, it is your call and he will respect whatever decision you make.

Papa II:

~He’s not phased by the fact that you are asexual at all really- one’s sexuality is just a part of who they are. Papa is more so shocked because he’s used to people wanting to be with him just for the mind blowing sex. To know someone just likes him for his personality and company is a bit strange for him.

~Always respects your boundaries and makes sure you never feel pressured. He knows people can be really stupid when it comes to asexuality- and how others tend to pressure people into ‘giving sex a chance’ or other rubbish. Tells you that what you chose to do or not do is YOUR business. Papa isn’t afraid to set people straight if you are ever harassed.

~Like his dad, he’s still a Satanic Pope with very carnal needs- so he will ask your permission to have a harem for sexy needs (non emotional commitments, as well.) If you say yes, he will have a side piece or two to get his urges out. If you say no then he will just take care of himself. Either way, you are both happy with the arrangement!

Papa III:

~He’s just glad he knows before he tried putting the moves on you! Papa has always been HUGE on both consent and doing what makes a partner feel good. So if you are Ace and/or sex just isn’t your thing, Papa will ALWAYS respect that! Sex isn’t the only aspect of a relationship, after all.

~Papa usually just ends up keeping himself pleased, that’s never an issue. Once in a while he will give you a courtesy invitation to join him. He knows most, if not all, of the time you will decline. But he’s a gentleman, and he feels obligated to offer so you don’t feel neglected for any reason. He’s happy just to play patty-cake with himself in the meantime!

~Papa is much more focused on making sure other needs of yours are met. Such as your emotional or you needing other excitement in your life. He just hopes you are alright with platonic displays of affection, like hugs and cuddles, because those are his favorite. If not, that’s fine- he will respect your personal space!

Cardinal Copia:

~Copia has always been a man who wants to be as straightforward with any partner as he can. As I stated in my other post, he always point blank asks your preference and boundaries. Copia is very relieved you weren’t shy to mention you were Ace and just not interested in sex. Copia values being a considerate and attentive partner- so he never wants to put you in a position where you feel coerced or pressured. Copia rather shoot his own foot than EVER make you go through that.

~As much as Copia likes sex, he finds it unfulfilling to be in a sex only relationship. It never scratches his intimate or emotional needs! In a lot of relationships in the past, he’s found himself being used for only physical pleasure and he doesn’t like it. Now that he’s the new Papa, there was a lot of pressure for him to be the ‘ultimate lover’ in the clergy. With you being Ace, a lot of that is taken away from him and he can breathe knowing you don’t want him just for his dick.

~Copia can be that type of boyfriend that is far more interested in spending quality time with you and just sharing all the things he adores with you. Who needs sex when he can tell you his entire thesis on the black plague, or show you some of his new tour costumes! Copia is always just glad he has a partner he can be his adorkable self with!

#the band ghost #ghost bc #Ghost headcanon #papa nihil #papa emeritus i #Papa Emeritus II #papa emeritus iii #papa emeritus iv #cardinal copia #reader insert

71 notes · View notes

lisinfleur · 4 years

Text

T&T - Chapter 8: Copyright

Author’s Notes | It has been being ridiculously hard to keep my mind focused and being able to produce chapters and shots. My anxiety has been fucking me up hard. But I managed to produce this one and I really hope you guys like it. I'll keep fighting! This brain will come back to work! Words | 1946 ⁑ Warnings: None

After some days of living in that castle, Ivar's wounds were pretty better. With the right supplies and no limitations, Atli was able to show his whole talent as a healer, and Ivar's body was almost fully healed at this moment.

With his new breath, the fallen king took some time to walk around the castle, discovering the many halls that place was composed of while Iliana was taking her turn serving tables and cleaning the place.

His crutched steps took him through a hallway where he could hear Brynjar's voice along with some others, discussing.

The familiar sound of plans of battle and war called Ivar's attention and he gently approached, trying to hear without being noticed hanging around. His ears caught the subject in the middle but it wasn't hard to really understand what was happening inside that room.

"...must understand, my king, that the absence of an heir..."

"It's not something important, Udir! For Odin's beard, stop disturbing me about Brimir's death! I have no heirs, then what? I'm still this place's king and they still owe me respect!"

Ivar approached, observing the figures inside the room around a big and beautiful map carved in a trunk in the middle of the hall - probably the map of Brynjar's lands. Brynjar's index hit potently a part of that map marked with some wooden pieces painted in red as he spoke. Ivar presumed those were enemy armies marked for them to recognize.

"These lands are mine! Those men are Earls who swore over their arm rings oaths of loyalty they're not fulfilling! I am their king, Udir! And if they want to call themselves kings upon my lands, they can wait for me to die since there is no heir to succeed me anymore or they can fucking put their grown-men pants and come! And kill me for the place they want so badly!"

So, Brimir's death brought more problems to that king than Ivar could imagine. Maybe he could help the old king to solve his problems with the rebelled earls as a way to compensate for the loss he caused.

The bearded man beside Brynjar sighed, and Ivar started paying attention to him as well as he patted Brynjar's back - maybe a counselor...

"Calm yourself down, Brynjar. Things are harder than before and we must put our minds to work. Do we really need these lands this much?"

The man was thinking of giving up. Ivar sighed. He knew exactly what was that flame into Brynjar's eyes.

"These are MY LANDS, Udir! My people! My father's lands before being mine! I brought these bastards here and they swore to me they would be loyal to my father's legacy! Don't you dare to ask me to abandon the place he fought and bled to conquer!"

Those words touched Ivar's spirit and he felt his heart clenching inside his chest. Kattegat was his father's legacy. His father's lands he lost to a bitch and her consort... If there was someone inside that room that could understand Brynjar's feelings, this person was Ivar himself.

"Then if you won't accept any deal with them, then you should listen to what I told you: go through the breach with your best men as I keep them here with mine. It will gain you time and the surprise element, Brynjar. I'll hold them back and you'll be able to cross the breach and take them from behind. We kill these earls and finish this senseless war."

Ivar saw Brynjar sighing, tired. But his experienced eyes ran over the map observing Udir's fingers pointing the breach and location where he would be with the earls.

"Udir..." Brynjar tried.

And the counselor insisted, pointing the place once again.

"It would be stupidity to face them face to face, Brynjar! You know that! Don't you trust me? Go through the breach."

Ivar's face frowned. There were several other possibilities to execute that plan and attack the enemy earls from behind, from their sides, all of them not taking such a strict way. Why was that man insisting so bad with that breach in special? Ivar lost the conversation for a moment as the counselor was insisting with Brynjar about the plan. His blues attentively running the map, looking around, absorbing the information, and observing the enemy earldoms and red spots. That place...

Something clicked on Ivar's mind: the breach was a road to one of the enemy earldoms they were facing. A road...

... just like Repton's road...

Ivar's eyes got large for a moment: Udir was leading king Brynjar into a trap?

"You think about what I said, Brynjar. It will be the end of the war, once and for all. If you want to put an end to this conflict, then prepare your men and gimme the order. You go through that breach and we stop this conflict together." Udir finished, patting the king's back before leaving, passing through Ivar with a frown, following the corridor out of the castle.

Ivar came into the room, looking at the map now close enough to confirm what he was thinking: it was a road just like Repton's road, with the form of a valley.

Perfect for archers to swallow an army entirely before its king could scream the retreat...

It was a trap. A trap he once used against prince Aethewulf. A plan of his that someone was trying to use against Brynjar.

The old king was deeply breathing, trying to get his head colder when Ivar's voice woke him up to the new presence inside the room.

"Since when do you know this friend of yours... Udir?" Ivar asked, looking at the king who sighed once again, taking a seat near the table, trying to relax.

"He's the son of a friend my father had for his whole life. I know him since I was a young man. He's around ten years younger than me but I got him as a counselor because of his conquers. A good strategist, good warrior. Not that honored as I wanted him to be, but good anyway," Brynjar answered, with a tired voice.

"I can see he's not that honored," Ivar said, walking around the table towards the part of that beautiful map where the breach was carved.

"What do you mean?" Brynjar asked, ready to defend his counselor from the strange who just arrived in his castle and was daring to move the pieces of his map.

"I've heard it once from an enemy I had. One that I defeated. Yet one that will always have my respect," Ivar started as the eyes of the old king were following his fingers slowly moving the red pieces through the way as if he was playing with toy soldiers, moving the enemy armies towards the breach.

"What battles did you won?" Ivar repeated the old words, moving the pieces, spreading them all over the representation of the hills around the road, as if they were archers, ready to attack whatever could cross that road with a privileged position.

"What battles did you lose?" his eyes found Brynjar's large eyes as everything started to make sense in his old mind while Ivar moved the blue pieces through the road, showing the plan in execution right in front of his experienced eyes.

Ivar stopped the pieces right in the middle of that road - the whole army would be lost at that point. Brynjar's eyes found his, shocked with the terrible revelation in front of his eyes, but Ivar kept speaking, clarifying to that man that the crippled man in front of him wasn't just a simple wanderer.

"In victory, you earn a lot, my friend. But it is in defeat that you learn the most. Whoever is this man you have by your side; he's leading you to a trap. He'll put an end to this conflict indeed. But the earls won't be the ones falling in this day."

"Who are you?" Brynjar asked, seeing such a wise man standing in front of him as if Odin himself had come into Ivar's body to warn him about that meticulous and cruel plan against this life.

"I'm a man who lost everything. I was once a king, like you, my friend. A king who ruled over beautiful lands beyond the sea. Lands that were my father's legacy. Lands I fought my brothers to rule over. Lands that I lost to someone I trusted with my life. I've learned with my defeat and now, I humbly bring this knowledge to a friend I owe my life to. Listen to me, king Brynjar: this man you call your friend will bring you nothing but doom. I saw this happening before," Ivar said, pointing the breach. "This road in the middle of the valley will be a beautiful channel of blood and dead bodies, all of them holding arrows in every part of their armors an archer could hit. And these bodies will be your best men, taken down without the chance of a fight if you listen to what Udir says this time."

Brynjar looked down at that valley once again. The valley that Udir was insisting so much could cover his army's passage. It was so close to the enemy territories! Brynjar noticed he was so absorbed trying to deal with the dishonor of attacking the earls from behind that he didn't take notice of how close that valley was of the lands he was trying to take back: the earls would take his army down without even having to travel with their men! He would be carrying his best men - as Udir was insisting so much for him to do - straight to death.

"Exactly, my friend," Ivar said, with a smile in his face, as if he could read the king's thoughts through his enraged eyes. "Your best men would be taken down without effort. All the men that could prevent them from reaching your kingdom and taking your crown. The strongest ones would be with you here, to die by the arrows, as the weaker ones or the ones who could easily be converted would be their second target to be taken after you couldn't prevent them to move forward into your town anymore. A smart plan that counts with the idea that you would be unaware of their actions... However, it can be a good moment for you, my friend."

Brynjar was lost. How in the nine realms to have such a close figure betraying him that horrible way could be turned into a good momentum for him? Ivar could see the disappointment and disorientation dancing into the old king's eyes - feelings he knew very well in his heart.

"Focus," he called up, making Brynjar look straight into his eyes once again. "It doesn't matter how hard it is, there will be time for you to mourn once this situation is over. Now, it's time to keep your mind focused, my friend. Doom is knocking on your door and Lord Odin prepares your seat in Valhalla. I think we can make him wait a little longer."

"How?" Brynjar's voice sounded full of determination once again and Ivar couldn't help himself from smiling.

The old man was full of life and there was still a lot to be done for his kingdom. Approaching, Ivar took his decision: he failed his father's lands, but he wouldn't fail Brynjar's. And if he could help that king to save his people and his crown with his knowledge, then maybe it was a sign from the gods that his own kingdom was still recoverable for him.

Do you like my work? Support me!

Tagged ones:

|| @bluearchersstuff || @ivarswickedqueen || @directionlessbuthappy || @akamaiden || @bang-kim-bap || @cris101071 || @elysias-temple || @alicedopey || @captstefanbrandt || @queen-see-ya-in-valhalla || @lol-haha-joke || @normatural || @readsalot73 || @rekdreams247 || @slutforasoldier || @naaladareia || @laketaj24 || @therealcalicali || @grungyblonde || @arses21434 || @honestsycrets || @rabeccablake || @2thequietone4 || @blackspiritshake || @vikingsbifrost || @wallabieswisher || @sincerelysinister || @lyanna-the-giantsbane || @chinduda || @isthat-tyra98 || @xinyourdreamsx || @littledeadrottinghood || @thiahilmarsdottir || @queenbeeta || @notyouraveragegirl17 || @winchesterwife27 || @gold-dragon-slayer || @mzliterarydreamer || @youbloodymadgenius || @alwaysbenhardysgirl || @marvelouuse || @tgrrose || @lif3snotouttogetyou || @lordsexmachine || @deathbyarabbit || @ietss || @hissouthernprincess || @thorins-queen-of-erebor || @aperfectly-imperfect-perfection || @didiintheblog || @choppedroadwolfathlete || @h-e-a-v-y-l-e-a-t-h-e-r || @heavenly1927 || @jjlizz || @alexhandersenx || @ivarthebloodyking || @lauraaan182 ||

Want to be tagged? Ask me!

#history vikings #imagine vikings #ivar #ivar the boneless #ivar imagine #ivar x OC #ivar ragnarsson #ivar lothbrok #ivar's heathen army #sister wives #T&T

46 notes · View notes

rasoir-national · 5 years

Text

5 male characters I love

So I got tagged by @antirococoreaction to name 5 male characters I love, and as always I asked myself the immortal question : do I pick characters I love as characters, as in, characters I love for how interesting they are, or do I pick characters I love as people ? And for once, I decided to go with the narrowest of the two, the second one, for two reasons.

First, because there’s this latent belief in media that bad is more interesting than good, leading to the pernicious trope that characters who are “good people” are boring. That’s patently false : just as it’s difficult to be a good person, and I think we should highlight characters who demonstrate that.

Second, because there’s this tendency, in tumblr culture, from which I am not at all exempt, to avoid giving focus to masculinity in a positive manner, because mainstream media would do that already. But you could argue that mainstream media is much more focused on toxic masculinity and masculinity as a “default” than on exploring masculinity in its richness and uniqueness. So I want to do that too : to highlight characters whose masculinity is a inherent and essential part of who they are and why I love them. Let’s roll.

Dionysus/Umar from The Wicked+The Divine (Kieron Gillen & Jamie McKelvie)

He is such a good person. That’s what you think the first time you meet him, and that’s what you’ll continue to think, even as the comic goes on and adds nuance upon nuance on every character. The god of wine and parties reincarnated as a young man with rave/hivemind and ecstasy-like powers. And also a kind friend, a sensitive listener, someone who is keenly aware of the limits of what you can do for other people yet will give all he has so people can have at least that, be it one good night amidst sorrow and depression, or a shoulder to cry on. Dio is good to a fault, as in, his goodness is arguably his flaw. He gives himself so completely, to everyone, that it endangers his own sanity, and make other people’s selfishness and entitlement come out. He is a perfect illustration of why putting yourself first is not just a flaw when done in excess, it is at its core a survival skill : if you do not put barriers between you and the others, you will crumble. Dio is a study in true altruism that not many stories have the courage to make. He is also canonically asexual, and strongly implied to be biromantic, although that’s almost incidental in Wicdiv, in which almost every single character is lgbtqia+ and treated with respect. Seriously, read Wicdiv guys.

Kurama from Yu Yu Hakusho (Yoshihiro Togashi)

YYH is one of the most insidious yet brilliant deconstructions of the shoûnen tropes out there. While some of its material, while groundbreaking at the time (starting with a fleshed-out, sympathetic gay character coming with a critique of japanese homophobia), has aged with the strides made in matters of representation, its commentary on masculinity and especially how it’s usually handled in the typical shoûnen holds up extremely well in my opinion. And one of its centers is Kurama. Created to be a riff on the classic “bishounen” character (to the point that one of the running gags of the manga is Kurama getting increasingly annoyed with the attitude of female side characters around him), Kurama is my favourite kind of good person, the one who is deeply aware that he is capable of horrible things. He is the rare character who begins the story at the tail end of his redemption arc, having already decided to change ; his arc in the manga is about trying to figure out what that means. And the manga does not pull punches with him : he has to reckon with what he’s done, to try and navigate his new moral compass in a world that’s just waiting to use it against him. And it gets... cruel. Kurama is a perfect example of how quickly and often certain traits can toe the line between making you a terrible person or a good one. Everytime he fights, Kurama has to make the choice to do good, over and over. And it’s not easy. It’s not supposed to be easy. And if YYH has one message, it’s that everyone who tells you otherwise is lying.

Father Marcus Keane (Ben Daniels) from The Exorcist series

Memory functions best by association, so reading @antirococoreaction‘s list immediately got me thinking about The Exorcist and Father Marcus. Just like Cardinal Gutierrez, he is both a man of faith and a mlm. And while his orientation is not the focus of the show, it’s present, layered and realistic in all of it - credit to openly gay actor Ben Daniels who portrays him. It’s especially present in his relationship with the other lead, portrayed by Alfonso Herrera as a young, charismatic priest whom the Church sees as a political pawn, whom I could also have chosen for this list. Just like I could have chosen John Cho as the single foster father of adopted “problem” children who has to cope with the death of his wife. See, what’s extraordinary about The Exorcist series is exactly what I was talking about in the intro : whatever masculinity means, it doesn’t take it for granted. Which is why the second season manages to have three male leads that are all incredible characters, incredibly good people, while vastly different from one another. Marcus is probably the most “morally grey” of the three, but in what that term sholuld mean rather than what mainstream media tends to make of it. Marcus in an unquestionably good person in a world where doing good often means making excrutiating choices. Marcus is someone devastated by these choices, who has to try and find hope again, guided in part by the young Father Tomas. While Marcus roughly fits the “jadded brooding lead” archetype, but in every detail of his character and portrayal he is imbued by a depth that’s rare in the horror genre. I will never forgive Fox for cancelling this gem of a series right as both the plot and the main characters were coming at a turning point. My advice if you want to watch it : don’t read anything, just go in blind.

Jean-Baptiste Adamsberg from the Adamsberg novels (Fred Vargas)

Adamsberg is a cop. I know that’s a dealbreaker for some people, and I respect that. But his profession seems almost incidental to the character. Adamsberg shouldn’t be a cop, Adamsberg is that guy you see in the street who stops all of the sudden, fascinated by something, and it drives you crazy that you don’t see what. Adamsberg is a dreamer, he feels things rather that he knows them, and yet somehow is always right in the end. He’s like a magician. He’s not always kind. He can be violent. He’s not always clever. In fact, sometimes he acts downright stupid. Yet there is always this kindness, this intelligence around him, about the way people are and the way people should be. When I was a kid, the Adamsberg series was the first I read in which, hearing another man using a degrading language to talk about women, the main character immediately shut him down. As I grew up, I came to think of Adamsberg as the way women wished men were, though they weren’t. In reality, there is a lot in Adamsberg that’s exactly how men are, both good and bad. He’s a character who shouldn’t feel real yet does in the strange, poetic world created by Fred Vargas for what is one of the strangest crime series I’ve ever read. If the Doctor was the protagonist of a crime series, they would be Adamsberg. Growing up afab, Adamsberg was one of the few male protagonists I didn’t feel actively disrespected by as I was reading. The first four books of the series, The Chalk Circle Man, Seeking whom he may devour, Have mercy on us all and Wash this blood clean from my hand, are absolute classics I heartily recommend. It’s some of the smartest, weirdest crime novels out there.

Zeno Ligre from The Abyss (Marguerite Yourcenar)

I... God, what do you even say about what may well be your favourite character in all of literature, in what may well be your favourite book ? I fell in love in Zeno when I was fifteen, fell as hard as you could for someone who didn’t exist. Zeno starts the story as a young adult and ends it as an old man. You follow his entire life, from his childhood as the bastard child in a rich belgian family in the 16th Century, to becoming a respected yet feared and misunderstood alchemist, all through the turmoil of religious and political wars and plagues. Zeno is the best representation of what it was truly like to be a man ahead of his time in a time of intolerance and obscurantism. As an isolated high schooler who felt like I had nothing in common with my peers, you can imagine how I could relate. The Abyss is a strange, dense book which I probably read too soon, but which absolutely enthralled me to the point that I refused to even open another book weeks after finishing it because I simply couldn’t bear the thought not to be still reading The Abyss. It made History and Philosophy realer than any of my classes. And front and center of it is Zeno, Zeno you see grow and age, with whom you discover and fear, who utterly captures you with how grand a man can truly be, how extraordinary life itself, from beginning to end, is. Zeno is a man trying to shine a light on the world, trying to live by the precepts of philosophers, and once again is faced by what being a good man means, and whether it even matters to be one in a world such as the Middle Ages. I don’t know what to say except read it, and you’ll see why I’m at such a loss for words. Oh, and you might cry a lot. I know I did, not necessarily because it was sad, but simply because it was over, and I couldn’t read it for the first time again.

Here you have it. Wow, that was way too long.

And of course there’s almost no one left for me to tag, because we’re like 15 people talking in a circle.

#tag game

5 notes · View notes

comicteaparty · 4 years

Text

May 16th-May 22nd, 2020 Creator Babble Archive

The archive for the Creator Babble chat that occurred from May 16th, 2020 to May 22nd, 2020. The chat focused on the following question:

What are you trying to show or tell with your story that you find to be underrepresented?

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

-Mind control/mind reading where both people are okay with it. I like themes of trust -"Superpowers" without secret identities. Because researchers aren't always evil goddamnit! -Portraying people who hurt others not as card-carrying megalomaniac villains but as pitiful and broken people. I haven't gotten to this part of my story yet but I hope I can do it well when I do. -Queer characters but they never say that they are or talk about it in any way. Yes I know I'm probably the only one who wants this

Also, maybe the idea that you don't need to "do anything" with your life for it to be worthwhile? But I'm not sure that I believe this myself

Deo101 [Millennium]

Mostly I'm trying to write about love, and I hardly think that's underrepresented! But, I'm also trying to show a bit of my own personal disabled experience, and I find that the kinds of things I've experienced are hardly represented at all. so, I think I'm trying to show a sort of hope and positivity for things that I think are usually pitied and viewed negatively, which I wish were done more.

chalcara [Nyx+Nyssa]

I just wanted a good ol' classic Eddings-style fantasy romp, but with characters that would usually be cast in the "evil" role, without going the "misunderstood" route.

Plus I wanted to write about shitty family (born, found and married) and that you do NOT have to forgive them in the slightest to move on and better your life.

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

Hmm... One of the main things I want to express with Whispers of the Past is that after past traumas, you may not be the same, but eventually, you can be okay again—even if your "okay" of now, is very different than your "okay" of the past. Normalcy isn't a constant. It shifts with time and becomes something new. A new stasis. A new peace. A new normal. I don't know if I've ever seen another story show this in this way. Another underrepresented theme in WotP is that of the hero choosing mundanity over the amazing. When the quest is over, and all is said and done, and the big baddie has been vanquished, the hero doesn't become ruler, or claim bountiful riches, or sail across the sea to find new lands. No, the hero returns to a world that is familiar and unremarkable. The hero would rather just be an average person.

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

-Fanfiction. I’m very surprised there hasn’t been a webcomic talking about what it’s like to create fanfiction! But overall the culture involved around it and being a creator. -The relationship and hardships of having a stepparent/being one. Particularly stepdad/stepdaughter relationships -Anger as a reaction to trauma. I see a lot of trauma portrayed as mostly sad, but I want a story where the heroes feel anger, where it’s seen as both a motivator and a detriment -The hardships of dating as someone who’s both touch aversive and on the grey spectrum. Not everyone would be as wonderful or understanding, but it’s important to be around people who are and will stand by you.(edited)

eliushi [a winged tale]

This is why I gravitate towards all these stories made by independent creators I think. So many personal and poignant messages. I’m with you there on the queer characters Eightfish. I want a society where it’s fine to be what you wish and respected to be who you want to be. I think having more positive ways of showing how we can reach that sort of openness can be helpful. In AWT I further explore: - characters in STEM fields and approaches to research design - informed consent and what that means - how to live even when things are falling apart around you, when things are falling apart within you - navigating through crushes, confessions and friendships!

Wow the beginning sounds like the objectives at a science lecture and you won’t be wrong thinking so

Joichi [Hybrid Dolls]

For my Hybrid Dolls comic, there are several things I want to explore: - Psychological trauma and the effects or damage it can give, without proper treatment. -Writing queer characters without them needing a self discovery episode. But I know some identities are better to be upfront? But in the story, they simply live normal or exciting lives - Narcissism in a relative that one doesn't have to forgive. Being treated as invisible or judged by age, birthright. - Other Concepts of love explored. Attraction that isn't conventional romance. - Friendship bonds between girls, and my own take on an eccentric quirky girl lead. - Being unapologetically feminine, girls who doesn't need to feel like being 'one of the guys' I'm aiming for more character variety in historical fiction, instead of yet another story of a girl 'defying gender norms' by raised as a boy/disguises trope in other similar comics. So the women in my story, use their wits and charm.(edited)

DanitheCarutor

I complain about this all the time, so I'm just going to do a quick overview since I'm sure everyone is sick of it. - Abusers can be smart, popular, generous, charismatic and subtle. I'm kind of sick of them always being portrayed as really obvious, and sometimes really stupid, while there are people like that it's not very practical for them all to be like that. - General mental health stuff. More open representation of it, that it may be something you'll live with for the rest of your life and how that's okay. - Trauma, how it can change you, make you lose sight of the person you were and make you lose interest in things you used to enjoy. (this is coupled with mental health) - Non-romantic relationships with a queer cast. While this is showing up more in fantastical indie works, not very common in slice-of-life type of comics. I can only imagine this is because readers would find it boring or too mundane (can't tell you all how many people tell me my comic is boring. Lol), but being a person totally sick of romance in everything I wanted to do something focusing on family, friendship and the relationships we have with ourselves. - You don't always heal completely. I've already mentioned this, but I want to put a focus on how someone who's been through a lot of shit doesn't alway heal completely, and that's okay. I see in a lot of media where people just overcome their issues, and they live happily ever after with everything all perfect, I want something along the lines of "we still got a long way to go, but we're doing better and we're happier than before". - Not having labels for everything. This sounds like hipster trash, but I don't see the point in putting labels for every character. Like, I put labels for them, mostly during Pride, but it feels pointless in the comic. Apollo is happy to say he's a gay man, but with Julian they're not interested in categorising themselves, all they want is to be comfortable and I don't see nothing wrong with that.(edited)

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

For me, it’s the importance of communication and empathy, and the dangers of its absence. And it’s something I’ve had to think about a lot recently, being more active on social media Everyone’s got their reasons/methods for cutting people off, but I’ve never been a huge fan of a point-blank communication cut unless it’s absolutely warranted. And I’m not a fan of instant demonization when someone messes up or does something I don’t agree with. People are people. We’re all different and we all mess up and we all can change. Keeping lines of communication open is essential for allowing that change, or else we all get locked into little echo chambers where anyone outside is automatically The Worst.™ In a world where everything has gone to hell - and may go further yet - how can things heal when no one is even listening to each other? Where the other side is automatically at fault no matter what? It’s something I grew up struggling to understand (maybe because I grew up outside Washington DC, lol), and really affects me to this day. And if you do end up protecting yourself with silence, how can you still allow other perspectives to be gleaned? I don’t quite have the perfect formula for it. But unless someone is genuinely trying to cause harm, I try to at least attempt to understand where they might coming from - whether I accept it or not. Otherwise it’s so easy to see a lot of people as monsters. It’s a complicated topic for sure, especially nowadays. But yeah. Something like that

Miranda

Hmm that’s an excellent question. Well, a big thing is the varying effects of trauma and ways to handle it. Mainly how burying the past and ignoring traumatic events can affect someone. Also that villains can be people we relate to that just take an extreme way of reaching a goal that most people can understand And how shared experiences can bring people closer (not a unique one) I also want to portray queer characters that are not solely defined by their queerness and don’t have to announce it to everyone.

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

- Having some talks about the implications of asking what you wish for and the potential consequences that comes with it. - Having more unappologic Vietnamese things happening in the comic. Giving representation to some common things that most Vietnamese Americans (or Asian Americans) can face in terms of relationships, roles, etc. Also since er i'm also directly affected by this, how does the Mixed-Asian Identity plays about it too.(edited)

hmmm I think another thing is that I want to bring up that men who express themselves in a more feminine form is valid and there's no shame that comes with it (positive masculinity hell yaaaa). Also same about expressing characters who are also queer but aren't defined about it either. it's just what they are along with their other interests and goals.(edited)

sierrabravo (Hans Vogel is Dead)

wow, this is a great question! I'm trying to be better about interacting here so I'll give it a shot. My comic is a historical fantasy set somewhat in Interwar Europe/WWII Europe and partially in a fantasy world based on the Brothers Grimm fairy tales. -War stories/histories that aren't about the actual experience of combat: most memoirs and diaries of soldiers I read doing research are about the day-to-day activities, meals, sleeping habits, and random thoughts instead of fight descriptions. It really bothers me when people zero in on in-depth battle maps and obsess over what kind of rifle was used by whom when, when I think it's much more interesting and important to look at the mindset of who was fighting, why they were fighting, and what emotional effect it had on everyone involved (including civilians!) -Asexuality, especially asexuality in history, bc it tends to "disappear" in the historical record as people who may have been ace before that label was widely used tend to not self-identify as it. I'm ace, people in the past were ace, it's a history I'd like to talk about more! -gryphons, they're cool monsters and I think they should be used much more than they are haha

eliushi [a winged tale]

I agree sierrabravo. I find it’s the personal, down to earth, close perspective accounts in historical records that resonate the most with me. Gryphons are also awesome!

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

I feel like there's two separate answers for Super Galaxy Knights Deluxe R (http://sgkdr.webcomic.ws/comics/) The first is what SGKDR represents compared to other webcomics. To me, a major thing I wanted to show with Super Galaxy Knights was a new style of creating webcomics. Animation is underrepresented as a storytelling style, sure, but the main thing I thought was underrepresented in the webcomic space was a "seasonal" method of storytelling. Like, most webcomics I see are either "each page is its own thing" or "it's one big long story, with chapters mostly there to split up different scenes/locations". I very rarely see webcomics build to a major climax in the story, then a resolution, then introduce a brand new conflict. The second is what SGKDR represents compared to other action series (specifically shonen manga/anime, as that's what SGKDR riffs off of the most). I can only think of one shonen story with a female lead, I can't think of any with an explicitly LGBTQ+ protagonist (i only know of one implied one), romance is usually handled very poorly (characters usually get paired with the protagonist due to being female and in the same room, with very little actual relationship building), there aren't many varieties of character motivations besides "pursuit of power/status" of some kind, power scaling usually gets way out of whack, and I... I dunno, I love those kinds of stories, but it just gets tiring after a while. So, I wrote my own that had all the things I wanted in it.

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

@sierrabravo (Hans Vogel is Dead) I totally agree with the difficulty and importance of talking about ace representation in a historical setting! It's extremely difficult to talk about when asexuality was so unknown at the time. I'm eager to see how you handle it!

eliushi [a winged tale]

@snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights) can you speak about

I very rarely see webcomics build to a major climax in the story, then a resolution, then introduce a brand new conflict.

I find slice of life/ some really long mangas with continuous streams of antagonists/web novel like formats use this too but unsure if that’s what you were referring to?

I am also looking forward to more ace representation in the webcomic world

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

Yeah that format is the sort of thing I was talking about. It's out there, but I don't see it very often.

eliushi [a winged tale]

Ah gotcha! Thanks! I recall some slice of life high school ones I’ve read years ago that have that sort of narrative structure (which feels like the story can continue forever).

Erin Ptah (BICP | Leif & Thorn)

There's a recurring trope in SF/F where the robot/AI/golem learns that it wants to have free will and make its own decisions. Or there's a biological species that are assumed to be "natural servants", and inevitably you get to the reveal that they're not actually any different from humans in terms of wanting self-determination and independence. If you think of this as a metaphor for relationships between different groups of humans, then yeah, that's the obvious outcome! But one of the great things about SFF is that you can write things that aren't just "direct metaphors for real-world issues, with spaceships and dragons thrown in for flavor." So in But I'm A Cat Person, I wanted to write something about, what if there's a group of beings who really aren't going to develop free will or self-determination? What's the reasonable, ethical way to deal with that? ...also: there's a ton of nonbinary characters in webcomics these days, but at least I can say BICP did it before it was cool.(edited)

Erin Ptah (BICP | Leif & Thorn)

Leif & Thorn, meanwhile, has a regular old "character forced into servitude, who definitely has independent thoughts and desires that are being controlled" situation. And there's no "Master has given Dobby a sock" loophole they can exploit for a quick fix, so they have to keep up a long-term process of double-talk and rule-bending, to communicate Leif's actual feelings without getting him in trouble. The "realistic language barriers with no convenient universal-translator to get around them" situation -- which, in this comic, is one of the biggest Underrepresented Things I wanted to explore -- makes it that much harder...

Capitania do Azar

I gotta commend you on that, @Erin Ptah (BICP | Leif & Thorn) because you're out there serving my bilingual needs

kayotics

Ingress Adventuring Company is all about the hero after they've finished saving the world, which I think is pretty underrepresented. It's not a quiet contemplative story, since there's still a lot of fun questing stuff going on, but I'm trying to make it clear that this all takes place after the main character has done his big saving the world quest and is still trying to figure out his place after supposedly settling down.

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

I love that Kay

Toivo feels like he has so much history behind him

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

I'm trying to represent orthodox/religious jews because I almost never see my community represented in media. There are orthodox Jewish characters that will be appearing in Joe is dead. In future comics I want to try to plan the story more around including more religious Jewish characters because there still aren't that many in my current project

Also mental illnesses, like trauma and intellectual disability I want to represent my own experiences with it

There isn't as much of a distinct lack of that in media but it's good to have in stories(edited)

Also androgynous lesbians

Nutty (Court of Roses)

With Court of Roses, I'm trying to tell a fantasy story that's for older audiences but proving that Mature Fantasy doesn't have to be ultra gritty. People have each other to depend on, the world isn't bleak, and not every noble is greedy, peasant is starving, etc. I know a lot of fantasy likes to take from realistic Medieval Europe, but the freeing part about making my own world is that it doesn't HAVE to be like that. Their religion is different, more accepting, and again, people are more focused on looking out for each other and having a good time.

Mature themes are still present, such as murder, banditry/pillaging, alcohol, traumatic experiences, etc. but my goal isn't to present them in a darker fashion.(edited)

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

I wanted to make something influenced by my culture (Korean) without heavily drawing from the mythology. Mythology is just one facet of a culture, yet a lot of people who haven't read it expect HoK to be all about Korean mythology just because it wears a metaphorical hanbok. No. It reflects the traditional aesthetics, but more importantly, the cultural values and the unspoken rules of the society, regardless of whether I agree with them or not. Related to that is body language. I don't want my non-American characters using American body language, such as shrugging, or American ways of using eye contact, etc. I want to show them using (mostly) Korean gestures, sitting, standing and walking like Koreans. I always feel like there's a huge missed opportunity when friggin' aliens use American body language in sci-fi! I understand why people do that -- it makes the work more clear/accessible to English-speaking audience. But in HoK I'm taking the other path. It's a challenge for sure, but I would not have it any other way.

On a more thematic level, I really wanted to explore deeply hurtful experiences that happen in genuinely caring relationships. It's not about good guys vs bad guys, it's not about a nice person being hurt by someone who just doesn't care. Those stories certainly are valid, just not what I wanted to do with HoK. This story is about people who love each other, but don't always know how to communicate their love or needs.

Joichi [Hybrid Dolls]

I am also looking forward to more ace representation in the webcomic world

@eliushi [a winged tale] I agree, the ace rep is a challenge I would like to take on, I'm also curious how it will work in historical times? Even tho I'm ace,I'm still learning new innovative things(edited)

eliushi [a winged tale]

It’ll be important to dig deeper and research into what things were like if you want to capture the authenticity of the period you’re writing in! I’m sure there are personal accounts or documentation of these lived experiences.

Capitania do Azar

I see all these beautiful answers and I almost struggle to find something other than those to say I guess for O Sarilho https://www.sarilho.net/en/ I wanted to write a weird love letter to where I live and how I see my country (tho I'm glad I got other places I love in it too). To my knowledge, we don't get much like that, or at least that's not from a city perspective which is not what I'm trying to go for, at all. There's a lot of tiny cultural things that I want to touch that may be invisible for people who are not from here, but I'm glad that I'm including them for those three readers in the back. Linked to this, in a way, is the fact that I get really tired of those white/gray Sci-fi stories where everything is super clean and super white and technology is absolutely overwhelming and organised. I want Sci-fis in the woods too. And finally, there's something about the way violence is portrayed a lot of times that almost makes you feel like human life just is that cheap. I really don't want to go that road, I'm doing my best to tell a story about war in which death still leaves a toll and violence affects everyone involved

TL;DR I WANTED TO PAINT MY HOUSE

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

And finally, there's something about the way violence is portrayed a lot of times that almost makes you feel like human life just is that cheap. I really don't want to go that road, I'm doing my best to tell a story about war in which death still leaves a toll and violence affects everyone involved

@Capitania do Azar This is so beautiful (and tragic). This is something I also hope to express in my work. Super underrepresented message surprisingly.

eliushi [a winged tale]

I enjoy exploring sci-fi beyond the current conventions and absolutely love your setting shizamura!(edited)

Capitania do Azar

Thank u I really love Sci-fi but I don't appreciate that it has become associated with a very specific aesthetic because tbh I find it very limiting

DanitheCarutor

@Capitania do Azar That is actually really refreshing! Horror and action are so packed with glamorized death and violence, you can get really desensitized. The only stories I've ever seen that take those things seriously are war movies based on real life events, like Saving Private Ryan, (which my grandpa, a Korean War vet, said was the most accurate portrayal of what war was like.) and even then you get flicks that totally glamorize the whole thing. I really admire you wanting to put that sense of gravity onto the violence and death in your work, also I love when creators want to tackle war in all it's "too close to home", upsetting realism.

Capitania do Azar

I really love Saving Private Ryan, it is a very nice portrayal with a great message: nobody wants to be here

DanitheCarutor

Yes! I love Saving Private Ryan too, it was nice seeing a movie that didn't make war look like some fantastical bs.

#ctparchive #comics #webcomics #indie comics #comic chat #comic discussion #comic tea party #ctp #creator interview #comic creator interview #creator babble

1 note · View note

daturanerium · 5 years

Text

i’m finally all caught up with @thepenumbrapodcast ‘s juno steel stories! here are my discordant thoughts on the story and the characters.

(i did this with the magnus archives season one, too! check it out here.)

SPOILERS FOR JUNO STEEL from s1e1 to s3ep2

general plot stuff:

this show. THIS SHOW. is written so well. the characterization is top-notch. the characters are fleshed out and interesting and engaging and they all grow and change and are affected by people and environments and time and events. they’re not static in the slightest.

i haven’t come across a story that deals with depression and suicidal idealization so well. i’m thoroughly impressed with how the writers both portrayed them and how well they have (so far) portrayed the healing process. wowowow.

THE LGBT REPRESENTATION IS OFF THE CHARTS. QUEERS LISTEN TO THIS SHOW. they have a nonbinary politician?? mlm romance and kiss in the first episode???? main character is nb with he/him pronouns??? SO MANY BADASS SAPPHIC SPY/MAFIA COUPLES.....IT TUGS AT MY HEART. the big strong guy is asexual??? i could go on for days but spoilers! just know that genuinely, you will not be disappointed.

this show has two main focuses/themes: trust and the future. it’s been so fantastic to see how juno and the other characters view both themes and how they changed themselves and/or others while encountering those themes in their everyday life.

ramses o’flaherty and the entire plotline that came with him was absolutely top-notch. it blew me away. ramses is a true complicated character, a grey area that makes you question everything you believe in. the storyline tackles politics, morals, and values while keeping it exciting and entertaining. it’s definitely one of my favorite storylines ever.

the writers are truly incredible. i’m really in awe. they inspire me! i wish i had the energy right now to give them the praise essay that they deserve but i’m really tired and i want to get this posted. someday!

the worldbuilding is the perfect balance between two extremes that a lot of scifi authors really struggle with. juno explains how a (sort of) functioning mars city works in a way that feels natural and easy to understand, and the world he describes is both familiar and fascinating. although the environment is different, the audience is all too familiar with corruption and capitalism and classism. they keep the world relatable while giving it some really new and funky details (do i want a cat with six eyes and a stinger? of course! do i want to step outside for more than five hours and get radiation poisoning? that’s up for interpretation). they also chose a great route in making this story take place in the aftermath of (what seems to be) a galactic war instead of taking the traditional Save The World, End The War scifi route. it’s refreshing, and again, relatable (especially to me: i was born after 9/11 and have lived through the entirety of the war in afghanistan so the underlining feeling that hyperion city has that Something is Going To Go Wrong....i feel that).

there is so much more i want to say but this has been sitting in my drafts for weeks and i want to get it posted!

tl;dr: juno steel is really a fantastic work of art. it’s engaging and relatable and teaches valuable lessons about healing, trusting, and moving on in ways i have never seen another piece of media do so successfully. please give it a listen if you have a chance!

some character/character arc thoughts under the cut :)

juno:

god so dumb. just so fucking stupid. i love him.

i’m going to be honest. s1 and the beginning of s2 Juno was really hard for me to listen to. the way he treated others obviously was, to put it lightly, not the best (the monitor incident with rita comes to mind; i really hated that). it almost got repetitive, and since i’m already not a big fan of the depressed-asshole trope i was kind of hanging by a thread by the time ramses came around.

god am i glad i stuck around. his character growth and maturity within the second half of season two and the beginning of season three has been so satisfying! it hasn’t been perfect, but that’s part of the reason why it’s so good--it’s realistic and believable. he’s realized where his faults lie and is making a physical and mental effort to better himself. he’s even doing it verbally, explaining to people he trusts (rita) that he’s trying to be better and then actually acting on it. too often we see the depressed-asshole say the “i’m trying to be better!” line but don’t see any actions following it that signify that effort--that was my fear going into this. but that’s really, truly not the case here, and it’s such a breath of fresh air. plus, in-canon-wise, i’m so happy for juno he’s come so far!

okay nonbinary king i see you

GET THIS LADY A CAT PLEASE.

that moment during the end of s2 when he found that baby rabbit in the sewers.....god.

juno appreciate rita challenge (accepted!)

his voice......is so soothing. except when he yells but he’s better now we’ve established that

i LOVE how as soon as he figures out that he likes you he sticks to you like glue. that’s super funny and cute and also fits him perfectly

miss dahlia rose if you’re out there.....

his complicated relationship with ramses was so fascinating and important. i loved listening to that storyline.

juno: “there’s no way in hell i’m doing this, fuck off” juno, five minutes later: [is doing it]

that’s pretty much the beginning plot of every episode lol ur so valid juno we love u

he’s ability to make the dumbest decisions continues to astound me. he likes to talk about how mick is always getting himself in trouble but god juno you’re really not one to talk

the fact that, in a world that literally runs on tech, he has no idea how a coms works. that’s so fucking funny. if you ignore the backstory that comes behind it.

did juno ever tell alessandra that he made it out of the desert alive or is she just out there in hyperion city somewhere mourning him with her wife?

i already sort of wrote on juno’s backstory but it’s so good. so good.

he’s so fucking soft. he loves so much!!!! and that scares him!!!! but he’s working on it!!!!!

rita:

is she the love of my life or do i just relate heavily to her? who knows

actually no we’re gonna talk about this

rita penumbrapodcast, queen of adhd. queen of oversharing. queen of tangents. queen of love. queen of excitement. queen of caring for her friends more than herself. queen of incredible intelligence shown in an unconventional way. queen of being underappreciated.

s1 and the beginning of s2 really stung me because i’ve been in rita’s positon--used as a punching bag by someone i care deeply about because it’s better me than someone else, because i’m willing to sacrifice my own health and safety for the sake of giving them an outlet. we put it under the guise of “helping”, but we don’t realize until later that it’s really not; we’re just letting them get away with hurting themselves and hurting us. the monitor incident comes to mind again. i actually had to pause and take a step away after hearing juno yell and the glass break--although my abusive friendships thankfully never got violent, that kind of unbridled anger was all too familiar and i was begging out loud for her to leave. she handles it like a champ, and i honestly can’t say whether or not that’s a good or bad thing: good because she knows he doesn’t mean it or bad because she’s used to it? because it’s later revealed that juno’s treated her poorly from the first day they met. i was really worried that their relationship was going to end up being static, “depressed-asshole bullies quirky female sidekick and she never fights back because she loves him” trope. but, thankfully, they’re not!

towards the end of s2 and the beginning of s3 we didn’t just see growth in juno, we saw growth in rita. she confronts juno through a thetabot down in the sewers, calling him out on his self-destructive tendencies and his habit of doing important things without anyone else’s help (in this case, disappearing for weeks without telling her where he was). she points out that maybe the only way for him to appreciate her is for her to do the same thing--disappear for weeks, forcing him to realize just how much he needs her. thankfully, this is after juno’s Big Realization, and he sincerely apologizes for his treatment of her and assures her that he’s trying to be better. (and, side note, but that apology was a good one. a really good one. he verbally acknowledges his many mistakes, including the one rita specifically mentioned, acknowledges that he does not deserve her forgiveness, tells her what he’s trying to do to be better, and then apologizes and asks for her help. that’s good. take notes, people.) later that season, she takes initiative for what seems to be the first time, coming up with a solid, well-thought-out plan, enacting it on her own, and saving both an entire city and her boss. you could probably hear my cheers from wherever you are on earth, because they were there and they were loud! rita saving the day mixed with juno breaking through the mind control with his overwhelming love and appreciation for her.....god. good stuff.

rita buying juno’s office as a surprise for him.......i Will cry

literally she’s just so wonderful i love her so much

every time she talks i’m like [one billion heart emojis mixed with like forty crying emojis]

RITA SPINOFF WHEN. i come from the critical role community so yall know for a fact i’ll back it on kickstarter

once her and juno’s relationship reaches a healthy balance (and they’re already well on their way which i’m so happy about!) they’re going to be so good together. so powerful. the Ultimate cheery vs broody relationship (although juno is less broody at this point and more....gentle asshole. we love growth). they were unstoppable before, but now? god help the galaxy lol

the fact that rita can just casually hack into literally any system in the galaxy is so.......impressive? hot? yeah.

please get this woman a girlfriend and a cat

rita x franny xoxo

RITA BACKSTORY WHEN. PLEASE KEVIN AND SOPHIE PLEASE AS A RITA STAN I AM POLITELY BEGGING YOU.

rita is now in space, which is an interesting development. i just.....”rita in space” is not something i would have ever guessed at a week ago

wait oh my god.

i was sitting here thinking rita has some sort of trust fund/is secretly rich and that’s how she bought juno’s office and kept it afloat, but with the most recent episode’s developments it’s probably equally if not more likely that she either hacked into the nearest bank to give herself the creds needed or hacked the person she was buying it from to make it seem like she had made the payments. i literally adore her whoops

the little rita episodes make me so happy and i hope we get more of them!

tldr: i love her and she deserves the world and more, i’m glad her relationship with juno has changed into something a lot healthier with juno’s Realization mid-season-two, i hope she realizes the hero she already is in season three

peter:

.........oh how the turntables.

peter, season one: juno come with me so we can be together forever and travel the galaxy! i think i love you! juno: aw babe i wish i could but i’m sad and the city needs me :( peter, season three, when handed the opportunity to travel with a healing juno through the galaxy on a silver platter: actually fuck this lol i have One Job and it is to Only Think About My Current Assignment. this is smart and healthy.

this man.....this man right here officer. stole my fucking heart.

i don’t really have an essay for him because we haven’t seen enough of him to really gauge his character development beyond an obsession with debts and his aging. i’m guessing that will change this season though

the debts....what are they

can rita hack in and pay them off

god wouldn’t that be so funny. he spends his entire life trying to pay off these impossible debts and it’s stressing him out to the point where he feels he can’t focus on anything else. and one day he comes to the fam and explains everything and rita’s like “oh shit that’s easy i’ll take care of that right now!!! why didn’t you say something sooner” and hes like “what” and she’s like “yeah!” and he’s like “holy shit” and then he gets married to juno and they live happily ever after the end.

no but real talk

these debts. there’s a lot about them and the way he talks about them that really worries me. i feel like having them be simple money debt would be too easy, so maybe it’s something medical? that would explain both his obsession with his aging and his uncharacteristically excited reaction to the healing mother prime (i think that’s what it was whoops).

he also mentioned someone else before juno, someone that had some pretty strong romantic undertones. maybe they’re sick? but peter doesn’t seem like the type to throw away a relationship like that so quickly, so it doesn’t really match up that he would have someone sick and waiting for him but he’d still go after juno in season one. hmmm.

this one’s a real mystery lads. you think you have something figured out about peter nureyev but it just gives you more questions.

peter is the one mystery juno can’t solve. god, that’s good.

his voice is so good. i don’t remember who his voice actor is but they’re doing a fantastic job thank you!!!!

i actually don’t picture peter like how he’s portrayed in the official art and fanart? i wish i was an artist so i could draw him the way i see him but alas. (i still really like his official design tho!)

listen. you give me a mysterious thief that doesn’t exist and i am Forced to love him. i have a type.

thankfully peter seemed to come around during the most recent episode (s3e2 the man in glass) so i don’t think we’re going to get a repeat of season one. these debts, whatever they are, are definitely going to cause problems. i can’t wait to see what the writers do with this.

(my only fear is that it will end up fitting the “gay character has a sickness parallel to aids and it is incurable” trope. although the writers have so far done a fantastic job of writing queer characters and worlds as well as turning tropes on their heads, so even if it may seem like that’s the case in the beginning, i’ll most likely stick through it to see where they take it. i trust them).

peter i know you’ve never had a family in your life but. im gonna tell you a secret here. found family is cool and good and you’ll like it if you give it a chance.

i love him and as soon as i cut my hair short i’m gonna cosplay him. fashion king

peter nureyev makes me want to fall in love

watching (listening) to juno grow and mature was already fantastic, but to see it through the eyes of someone who respects him, cares for him, and loves him deeply? good lord.

the way peter talks about juno.....yeah.

and peter as an individual....WOW. master thief, yes wow impressive! but his growth is already focusing so much on trust and it’s been written so well. i can’t wait to see how much he continues to grow and learn to trust this season!!!

i would love to see him continue to narrate s3. i think it’s a really strong change of pace and it also puts some extra emphasis on juno’s growth while focusing on peter’s motivations and inner thoughts. i’m genuinely fine either way tho!

tl;dr: i love u emo boy i love u i love u

#the penumbra podcast #penumbra spoilers #juno steel #peter nureyev #rita penumbra #ramses o'flaherty #god i genuinely love this show so much and i can't wait for the new episodes to come out

6 notes · View notes

geek-gem · 5 years

Text

Now considering I did this with the first two Resident Evil films. But now I’m doing one with Doom. To be honest I stalled on this.

I’m just gonna say some stuff. I love the Doom franchise, I love the video games. Including I love the character of Doomguy/Doom Slayer. But I’ve only seen bits of the movie and I have watched the first person scene on YouTube. Including I know how the movie goes with Filmcomicsexplained detailing the story of that 2005 movie.

Including I just don’t wanna watch the movie. Because it’s one of those video game movies that just doesn’t treat it’s source material right enough, and just doesn’t overall seem like a good film. Even if it had little things you can like. Along with the fact despite the upcoming movie Doom Annihilation having actual demons now. The idea Universal decided to put it as a direct to video movie instead of in theaters. Which is really disappointing but considering the 2005 film bombed, I could understand. But the fact of how the film looks and just.....it’s stupid. Despite some things I have read that Doomguy is in the film still.

To be honest I wouldn’t mind it two ways. One we might not get another Doom film again or just maybe we shouldn’t get one. Two a Doom film can work in some regards. Yet to be honest I feel like what I read of people wanting a, “Avengers” big movie seems very ridiculous and I wouldn’t mind a low budget or just....a simple movie can work.

But I shouldn’t make that the point. The point of this post is a what if situation of if that first Doom movie was while a loose adaption, a better movie that respects the source material more. Basically actual demons and other shit. Yet also I have thought about taking elements from the games and even well novels. Which might piss some fans off of the novels part. Don’t worry the demons aren’t aliens they are actually still demons and not mutants like in the film.

Yet the idea was of to make a film that I guess honors the Doom franchise. While also mainly sticking with the original game. But also taking elements from other stuff such as Doom 3. Which is a game I do like as well.

Basically a loose adaption that isn’t perfect but respects the Doom franchise itself and could be it’s own take on the franchise. Especially as someone who has thought of a Doom movie of how it could work. Such as taking elements from the 2016 game. But we are focusing on what was released in 2005. Honestly I’d should start making this now, sorry to ramble on.

Synopsis: It is 2022, humanity has been able to reach beyond Earth and go to other planets. Such as Mars with the corporation known as UAC has made it possible living there. Especially it’s moons Phobos and Deimos

But also behind the scenes, the UAC has been performing secret experiments with teleportation. Yet during these experiments they’ve unleashed something truly terrible. A portal to literal Hell.

Now with the facility has been overrun with demons. Killing almost everyone and even many becoming possessed and acting like zombies. Especially it’s worse with other demons that are more ferocious such as the Imps, Pinky’s, and more. They are all over the UAC Mars Research Base, and Mars City.

A group of survivors try to survive this onslaught. When all hope seems lost, a marine(Dwayne Johnson) who was punitively posted at the facility is determined to kill all the demons and make sure they don’t get back to Earth. Including take down the now insane Dr. Malcom Betruger(Robert Englund) who has sided with the demons, intent on helping them get to Earth.

Characters.

Dwayne Johnson as Flynn Taggart The Doomguy: A 29 year old corporal who is sent to the Mars facility to assist as punishment for assaulting his senior officer who ordered him to shoot a group of civilians.

He’s more of a, “Actions speak louder than words” kind of guy. The, “Strong Silent Type” kind of marine. Doesn’t really speak unless he feels like it or if it’s necessary. Capable of handling all different kinds of firearms. Including being quite fast during combat, hardly stressed at all, and strong as hell.

Despite what makes him seem to be a brooding loner who doesn’t seem to care for anyone. Especially before the outbreak everyone looked at him as if he was a scary brute. He’s actually a man with a big heart. Such as helping a person calm down during a situation when they need it, and cares more about other the safety of other people’s lives than his own. A honorable marine who hates bullies and seems chill when there is no combat.

But when the outbreak of demons happens, his team of other marines who he has made friends with are killed when investigating the base. Along with also his pet rabbit he brought to Mars is killed by demons.

With his friends and his own pet he considered family killed, and the demons intention to get to Earth, Flynn is determined to make sure they never reach their goals. No matter how many there are and how powerful they are.

Including during combat, he wears a helmet to protect his head just in case.

Notes: As a fun easter egg instead of him being 30 years old. I decided to have him be born on the day the original Doom was released. Which is December 10 1993. Meaning well yeah this film would take place in December.

Along with the fact I know Dwayne in the 2005 movie was offered to play John Grimm but he chose to play the sarge. I wanted to make this fan casting. Along with the fact while I do agree with the idea Doomguy is a character in his own right that doesn’t need to speak and again a actions speak louder than words kind of guy. Including the fact he’s supposed to be the player character.

Yet this movie version of the Flynn character who is more serious and more akin to what Doomguy seems to be like. Such as even the 2016 games. Basically more serious than what the novels described Flynn as.

This version is basically I guess a representation of Doomguy as a person. If we didn’t go with the route of no talking and other things. He’s a Doomguy in his own right. But it’s a different take that I did to best respect the original character if I had to go with the route if he had to talk and other stuff.

Including let’s have a fun scene like the final shootout scene of The Rundown(A film Dwayne Johnson was in) but it’s Doomguy with the demons. Just showcasing Doomguy’s badassness in the scene. I’m talking about the Boom Shakalaka scene which I had watched before making this post.

Karl Urban as John “Reaper” Grimm: One of the few marines that has survived the onslaught of the demon outbreak on Mars. A Staff Sargent who seems rather angsty years after his parents who were UAC scientists died in a accident. But still cares for his Samantha Grimm and also a new friend of his named Emma Grace.

While he didn’t take a liking towards Flynn at first assuming Flynn didn’t care for anyone but himself. He realizes Flynn and him share the same values of honor and other things. Especially in a way similar losses to his own.

Notes: I’m gonna say I like Karl Urban and from what I know people liked Karl as Reaper who is basically the Doomguy in the movie. But I have not watched the movie fully and wondered if I should. So I can’t make my own opinion. But I decided to keep his character and decided to keep his back story too for people who liked him.

Robert Englund as Dr. Malcom Bertruger: The Research director at Mars. After being teleported into Hell once and made a pact with the demons. Once a respected man who has now become evil, showcasing more of who he is. Especially after years being on Mars and helping the demons prepare for the outbreak.

Including he is also responsible for brining back a once dead demon back to life into the now powerful Cyberdemon.

Notes: Originally I was gonna have Mads Mikkelsen(who’s also awesome) as Bertruger. Mainly cause of a reviewers comparison of the character to Hannibal Lector or whatever. But I thought Robert Englund was just a fun choice and just the idea of Freddy Krueger is the one who unleashes these demons or whatever.

Mary Elizabeth Winstead as Emma Grace: A rookie security officer who has been at the Mars facility for a while now. While despite being a officer, she’s has shown to be paranoid and the demon outbreak makes it all worse. But when she meets Flynn, she becomes more courageous after being inspired by Flynn’s determination and bravery.

Rosamund Pike as Dr. Samantha Grimm: The twin sister of John Grimm and a doctor at the Mars research facility. She was one of the few people who began noticing something was up with Bertruger.

Considering people liked Reaper and what I’ve seen on Tumblr some folks liked Samantha so she’s here too.

List of demons: Imps, possessed soldiers and overall zombies, Cacodemons, Pinky’s, Lost Souls, Barons Of Hell, and the Cyberdemon. With them while looking demonic, it’s respecting the original source material. But the film can make it’s own take on the demons. Yet the point being they have color and they just look demonic as hell. Also you can tell which one is which or whatever.

The Cyberdemon in a way is the big demon antagonist of the film. Including for this film I decided to keep it simple by mainly using the demons from the first game.

Also I just wanna spoil the ending and just talk about that. Basically the survivors are Flynn, Reaper, Emma, and Samantha. But Flynn because he wants them all to survive and he personally wants to take on Hell himself. He makes sure they all escape to Earth, making sure none of the demons get to Earth.

Flynn takes on the Cyberdemon and kills it. Including he finds Bertruger and maybe kills him or Bertruger dies on his own. Maybe becoming the Maledict. But also Flynn purposely decides to trap himself in Hell to take on the forces of Hell. Which speaks volumes about his character because he wants to make sure no demons even set foot on Earth.

Including being in Hell gives him more power, such as more speed, more strength, and he can’t get tired. The demons prepare to brace themselves for their new found terror of the warrior who has literally stood up to them during the onslaught of Mars. With Flynn embracing his situation and runs towards the armies of Hell. In vengeance for every innocent person who was killed by the demons by also Daisy.

It’s also a call back to the ending of Doom 64. Along with the fact considering what happened with the first Doom film. While a excuctive producer said if the first film was successful, there would be a sequel, but the film bombed. Yet for this if a Hell On Earth happened. This film has a solid ending but it’s open in a way. With also a smooth transition to a sequel if it got one.

Also for this can we get a different director. Considering looking at the directors list of directed films on Wikipedia. Maybe someone else like Peter Berg, or Paul W.S. Anderson(Yes I said his name but I feel the director for the Doom movie might be not the best choice). I did think of including Robert Rodriguez, but I don’t know if I would trust him with how I envisioned this movie.

Besides I should say this, if wait Paul and Milla Jovovich weren’t married yet so she wouldn’t be involved. XD Besides I heard that Event Horizon by Paul W.S. Anderson is basically what the Doom movie should of been or something.

But yeah that’s a lot of wrote. Well I hope anyone who reads this enjoys this. Really it’s just a simple what if idea for that Doom movie. Just tell me your thoughts on this. Whether it’s an idea or advice. Again I just wanted to get this out of my system and out of the way. I’m done with the tags, hope you folks in the Doomguy tag don’t mind this.

Edit(also a 2nd edit forgot to put the last period at the end of this too) I’d forgot to mention if this got a Rotten Tomatoes score, it be 34% probably that, basically the 2002 Resident Evil’s score. I’d think I’ll leave it as that unless people think the film sounds better than it is.

#doom #doomguy #doom movie

12 notes · View notes

tetrakys · 5 years

Text

Memories lost, Memories found - Armin

This ended up being way longer than expected, and I am not sure I am ever going to write about Armin again, it’s painful and this took everything I had from me.

First, read the Intro here.

I looked around the square trying to get my bearings. This had probably been a stupid idea. After the longest and most uncomfortable bus trip ever, I didn’t even know Armin’s precise address. That night at the Snake Room Alexy had blurted out just the name of the town and neighbourhood. I looked at my phone biting my lower lip pensively… I had only two options, call Alexy and ask for his brother’s full address or give up and go back home.

I wasn’t sure Alexy was willing to talk though, after what had happened between him and Rosa I didn’t know where we stood. However, I was willing to beg. I knew exactly what was waiting for me back home, uncertainty and drama. I had been almost on the verge to offer my heart and body to someone just a couple of days ago, and now… now I wondered if there was anything left to offer at all. I had already given both to someone else a long time ago.

I was just about to look up Alexy’s number when something caught my eye. I stopped dead in my tracks in front of a gaming shop, a sign hanging on the door:

‘Last One Standing tournament TONIGHT!’

Armin loved this game. I remembered the hours spent playing together in his room, we both had a serious competitive streak. We could spend the whole day just playing and eating take out. Sometimes… well, many times, the passion we put in the game turned into something else and we ended up getting distracted for a while. Had there ever been happier days than those when all I needed was my laptop, a slice of cold pizza and him?

I pushed the door and walked into the shop. A brief conversation with the sales assistant confirmed that the competition was about to start but I was just in time to join the if I wished to. Mostly, he was probably surprised, usually there weren’t many hardcore girl players. At least not many respects to the sheer number of male players anyway. I payed my entrance fee and headed to the basement.

Of course the competition was in a basement, or rather the ‘gaming den’ as he had called it. The place was very dark, and each gaming-station, there were about fifty of them, had everything any geek could hope for: state of the art gaming gear, energy drinks, snacks… also everything was positioned in a way to guarantee each player their own privacy for maximal concentration.

I only had a few minutes to set me up and log in. I froze when I got to the choose-your-nickname section, memories rushing over me.

—–o—–

“Why do you always choose the same nickname?” Armin asked me, turning around in his desk chair.

“You are not very original yourself” I pointed out from his bed, “yours is always one of the Ninja Turtle’s names.”

“At least I have four to choose from depending on my mood, and it totally makes sense, the TMNTs are my spirit animals” he replied “you can’t deny how much we have in common” he grinned pointing at the half empty pizza box and his small collection of nunchakus and sai on the walls.

“I do see a resemblance…” I said with a fake pensive tone of voice. He threw a pillow at me that I easily dodged.

“I am serious though, you always use either Tetraktys or a misspelled version of it, what does it even mean?”

“The Tetraktys was a sacred metaphysical symbol for Pythagoras and his disciples” I explained, “You can see it as a geometrical representation of the number 10 as the fourth triangular number. It has many meanings and embraces in itself the harmony of the cosmos and the divine. It was seen as the image of perfection and, well, of course, it reminds me to aim to perfection in everything I do.” I grinned “the misspelling part is my way of pointing out that something imperfect can be perfect in its own way.”

He just looked at me for a few moments, then joined me on the bed. Hovering over me, his hands at each side of my head, eyes staring into mine “You do are perfect, you even educate me on ancient philosophy.”

I cupped his face with my hands “Happy to oblige” my lips drawing closer and closer to his.

—–o—–

I shook my head to wake up from my daze, I didn’t have time to walk down memory lane. I wasn’t sure Armin was even in this room, but if he was I didn’t want to be too obvious. I wrote Tenn in the nickname space and chose my character. I picked Syberia, she was my favourite, very fast and perfect for long range shooting. The upside was that she usually wasn’t great for close quarters combats, but I knew her as the back of my hand and, in time, I had created my own fighting strategy.

Last One Standing was a game of strategy more than brute force. It consisted of three levels each one different but just as complicated as the others.

I waited for the first level to load. This part was about environment survival: the game loaded some kind of scenario for all players to face, it could be a jungle, an alien invasion, or something similar. Everyone had an hour to get to the safe zone, all players out of it at the end of the timer’s countdown were eliminated.

I stared at the screen, my heart beating fast, the list of players rolling in front of my eyes.

Tenn entered the area

Asterfox entered the area

Shaman entered the area

…

Other thirty or so names followed, then finally

Michelangelo entered the area

I knew it! It was him, it had to be him.

And now? It wasn’t like I had a proper plan, I had (possibly) found him which had been my goal all along, should I just get up and go talk to him? To say what? I wasn’t sure I would accomplish anything other than ruin his night.

I was still trying to figure out what to do, when the first level scenario loaded, and a very distinct memory came back to mind.

—–o—–

“Welcome to Zombie city, Candy” he said gesturing towards the screen, a few days after he had introduced me to the game for the first time.

“Yikes zombies! Disgusting things, I am going to kill them all!” I replied eagerly.

“You will do no such thing” his voice serious “the level starts with just a few of them here and there, but the longer it takes you to reach the safe zone, the more of them appear. At some point it’s going to get impossible to move forward unless you have incredible fire power, and even then, only reckless players or thrill seekers are going to choose that option. No, the smartest way to get to the safe zone is this.” He pointed to a specific route on the map that read ‘sewers’.

“You are kidding, right?” I replied dumbfounded.

“You don’t believe me?”

I shook my head. We teased each other half of the time, it wouldn’t be the first time he pulled something like this just to get a good laugh.

“Go on then, run through the city, collect weapons, try whatever you want and see how it goes.”

“You can be on it! It’s on!”

It was a disaster, I died in the first five minutes. The second time was even worse. Eventually, at some point, after many maaaaany attempts, I managed to get to the safe zone. But he was right, it wasn’t worth it, the fire power alone and the time it took was just too much.

“Fine!” I cried out, throwing the gamepad on the bed out of spite. “You were right, happy?”

“Immensely” he grinned with mischief “I do love the fact you spent most part of the night relentlessly trying until you made it though. I find it really sexy” he added with a glint in his eyes.

“How sexy?” I replied raising a highbrow, turning slowly towards him.

“Very.”

—–o—–

I knew what to do.

As soon as the countdown started I headed straight for the sewers entrance. I could tell from the little red dots on the map that about seven other people had had the same idea. Once I got there I knew I had been right all along. The player called Michelangelo was there too, he had chosen Markus, a big tank who was great for hand to hand combat, but slightly slower than average without a boost. It was Armin’s favourite character and, if it wasn’t proof enough, he was wearing a blue beanie. The beanie was Armin’s good luck charm.

I stared at the screen like I was trying to drill a hole through it. We were together in the same room, but more than that we were in our element, playing together. I didn’t have time to dwell on the thought, we had to run, sewers were safer but not completely zombie-free.

My character was the fastest one in the group, so I was immediately in front of the pack. I was so focused on just running and surviving the first level that I didn’t notice the recess in the wall until the in-game chat lit up.

Michelangelo wrote: Watch out on your left!

I sidestepped the zombie at the very last moment, one millisecond later and it would have been on me. Given Syberia’s stats it would have been a real pain to get it off in such small quarters.

Tenn wrote: Thanks, it almost got me.

SpiderWeb wrote: Dude, shut up. Less competition in the final level.

Michelangelo wrote: Level 2 is team-up dumbass, any strong team needs a Syberia.

I knew how he felt about team stats, but I also knew that he was just a nice person. I was happy to see some things hadn’t changed.

SpiderWeb started replying obscenities, but dividing his attentions between two tasks was complicated. I chuckled between myself when I saw him being tackled by two zombies soon afterwards.

The next fifteen minutes became a frenzy of just running and dodging. I was a little rusty and risked getting caught a few other times. I hadn’t played in a while, now that I thought about it… I hadn’t played since our breakup. There wasn’t a specific reason why, I had loved the game in the past, but more than anything I had loved playing with him. At the end of the day it didn’t seem to make much sense to play without him. It just hurt.

After another couple of minutes, I managed to fall back into a familiar rhythm, I felt confident enough to start keeping an eye on Armin’s game. Markus wasn’t very fast without a boost, and there had been none to collect in the sewers to this point, so he couldn’t hope to dodge all the zombies like my character did, however he was very good at hand to hand combat. Also, Armin was a real pro at that, he could do miracles with just a pocket knife. I saw him pinning a zombie to the wall and stabbing it in the temple and, ten seconds later, kicking another one in the guts and stomping on its head.

Hot.

Soon after I reached the last turn, but stopped right before entering the safe zone. Level 2 was a co-op game, people who completed level 1 close to the same time ended up in the same group and had to survive it together. Groups were usually of around five or six players, so I had to be careful if I wanted to be sure to end up in the same group as Armin.

I had been chilling in front of the finish line for a couple of minutes when I saw him running towards it. When he crossed it, we did it together. A few seconds later my private chat lit up.

Michelangelo wrote: were you waiting for me?

Tenn wrote: I saw you playing back there, I wanted to make sure to team up with good players for the next round.

Michelangelo wrote: I’m flattered, I hope we end up in the same team, you’re not too bad yourself. Also, I’m partial to Syberia.

My heart skipped a beat, was it because the character reminded him of me?

—–o—–

“Come on Candy, are you ready? We don’t have the whole day.”

“Get in here if you are bored” I replied from the other side of the door, taking one last look at my reflection in the mirror. Tight brown leather trousers, dark green tank top that left part of my midriff exposed and knee-high military boots. I tied my long hair in a ponytail before setting aside the fake shotgun to open the changing room door and letting him in.

“Wow!” Armin looked me up and down with a glint in his eyes “you are every nerd’s wet dream. I’m not sure I should let you walk around Comicon dressed like this.”

“Please” I replied with a dismissive snort “there isn’t a single jealous bone in your body.” I turned back to the mirror and leaned forward to apply some lipstick. I should have probably been the one on the lookout, in that full military attire (bar the beanie) he made for a really dashing Markus.

He locked the door before coming to stand at my back, putting his hands on my hips.

“You’re the sexiest Syberia I have ever seen” he whispered in my ear “all those geeks on the other side of this wall can only dream abut touching you.” His hard chest pressed against my back, our eyes locked in the mirror. “But that’s the only thing they can do… dream.” Running his tongue from the bottom of my neck up to my ear, he caught my lob in his teeth.

“Armin…” I moaned “what are you doing… we don’t have time for this.”

His right hand came up to my breast, while his left one made its way down the hem of my pants.

“No one else can touch you Candy” he whispered, brushing against my sensitive spot, dragging a groan from deep in my throat. “Let me hear you say it.”

“No one can touch me” I shivered in his embrace, his fingers keeping their circling motion.

“Only me.”

“Only you.”

—–o—–

Michelangelo wrote: I mean… It’s always useful to have a good sniper in your team.

Tenn wrote: Yes. Plus, Syberia is hot. Every nerd’s wet dream, right?

A part of me wanted to bait him, confuse him, make him wonder. I hadn’t talked to him in four years and now that we were finally here… I was kinda pissed. Fuck… was this my great plan? Catfish him?

Level 2 loaded, my plan had worked, Armin and I were on the same team. All players had been divided in small teams with randomly assigned names (we were The Eagles), and each had a mission that was either to protect a suitcase from another team or steal it from them. This time we were the protectors.

I smirked, I knew Armin would not be happy, he much preferred being on the offense side. I, on the other hand, was in my element and knew exactly what to do.

“Okay guys” un unknown voice spoke to my ear making me jump in my chair “let’s talk about this.”

Fuck… fuck fuck fuck!!! I had completely forgotten that this part of the game allowed for the players to communicate through their microphones. What was I going to do now? He was going to recognise me right away; four years wasn’t that long of a time to forget someone’s voice.

“Tenn should cover the area from the top of the building.” My heart skipped a beat, it was him! His voice… I would recognise it between thousands. “SpiderWeb should stay back and take out any enemy that manages to infiltrate the outpost. I am going to draw attention to myself at the entrance while GhostVoid and Silver take them out.”

I recognised the nicknames of some of the players who had been in the sewers with us. Damn… the idiot from before was here too.

“Who made you captain of the team, asshole?” SpiderWeb replied as expected.

“If you have a better idea I am all ears” Armin replied calmly.

“Yes I do, I don’t see why I should stay back and leave all the fun to you.”

“Michelangelo is right” a guy, Silver, replied. His character was Lilith, a little girl with pigtails and a huge axe. She was absolutely devastating but easily damageable, she needed a tank to take her hits and Markus was perfect. “Your character, Teslan, is a ninja assassin, he moves in the shadows and specialises in sneak attacks, he should stay inside and protect the target.”

“Teslan is also good for open attacks, let GhostVoid be at the back!”

“But it makes no sense!” GhostVoid cried “I’m a nuker!”

They fought about this for a while, in the end SpiderWeb begrudgingly accepted to wait inside.

“You haven’t said a word Tenn” Armin pointed out “are you okay with this strategy?”

Here it was, the moment of truth. I deepened my voice and replied. This was going to be a disaster.

“Syberia is a sniper so that’s fine with me.”

A few seconds went by.

“Wooooow are you a chick?!” Silver exclaimed.

“Great. A girl on the team. We are fucked.” SpiderWeb said in a monotone.

“Shut up idiot!” GhostVoid replied “I swear to God if we weren’t on the same team you would be dead by now.”

They kept bantering for a few more minutes while getting into position. The game started a few minutes later. I stood on the edge of our base rooftop, rifle in my hand, waiting for the attack.

“I’m sorry about SpiderWeb” Armin’s voice said to my ears on a private communication channel “he’s a real prick.”

“None taken, I’m used to idiots underestimating me because of my gender when I play” I smirked “It usually comes to bite them right in the ass.”

He laughed, the laugh I remembered so well and hit me in the heart. “I bet it does.”

Another pause. Everyone stood still and silent while we waited for the enemy’s arrival.

“You sound familiar Tenn… where are you from?”

I closed my eyes defeated… he was onto me, I knew it! When I opened them back I instantly noticed something that only I could, thanks to my higher vantage point.

“Guys at your back!”

An enemy’s Teslan was sneaking behind my teammates to infiltrate our base. He was just about to strike Armin’s back with a fatal blow when I shot him right in the eyes and killed him instantly. Soon after all hell broke loose. The whole enemy’s team rushed to meet us on the open field.

“Thank you Tenn, a second later and I would have been a goner” Armin said in our private channel while shielding Silver and fighting the opposite team’s tank at the same time. I checked his game with admiration, he really was a force to be reckoned with. When we were together seeing him play had always turned me on a little. I kept shooting enemies whenever I had a chance, but in the crazy melee it was impossible to get another deadly shot. I managed, however, to make a few hits that saved GhostVoid and Silver in more than one occasion.

“You are great” Armin said after I hit the guy he was battling with, dropping his life span “I’m really happy I have you on my team.”

“Thanks…”

“You didn’t reply to my previous question, are you from around here?” he asked.

“Something like that…” I replied evasively.

“What’s your name?”

“So many questions… are you hitting on me?”

“What if I were… I do like hot girl gamers” he said with a hint of mischief in his voice.

“How do you even know I am hot?” I asked trying to hide my nervousness.

“Your game is too good.”

“This… doesn’t make sense at all.”

In that moment I spotted SpiderWeb jumping in the fight.

“Dude, what the fuck!” GhostVoid cried “who is protecting the target now?!”

“Fuck that” SpiderWeb replied “it was boring as hell just watching you all play”

“Guys… there is a missing player in the other team” I said and quickly scanned the map “fuck there is someone in our base… they had another Teslan!”

I left there my long-shot rifle and rushed into the building armed only with a gun. I was the closest one to the target. From the headphones I could hear the voices of my team members arguing and accusing SpiderWeb who was running back trying to make it into the base. I tuned everyone out while running the remaining two flights of stairs.

The moment I got into the target area a ghastly scene presented in front of my eyes, the enemy’s second Teslan had just grabbed our suitcase and was running out of the room. If he made it out of the building we were done for.

I run after him to the hall of the building, I was never going to make it, so I stopped and took aim. Right when he was about to make it through the threshold I hit him in the back of his head, killing him instantly. A second later SpiderWeb entered the area and I shot him in the chest, killing him as well.

“Fuck!” he cried “you killed me!”

“Sorry” I replied with zero conviction “I got confused between Teslans.”

“The hell you did, bitch! You did it on purpose!”

“Mind your words, you useless prick. Another breath and I am going to have you kicked out of this place forever.” Armin replied seemingly calm but with a very cold tone. “We have won, no thanks to you, just shut up and be grateful.”

I looked at the stats and saw that he was right, while I was dealing with the target the team had managed to take out all the remaining enemies. We had won. I sighed of relief and slumped in my chair, closing my eyes.

Now the final level… all against all… no complicated rules here, the game was called Last One Standing for a reason. Looking at the screen I saw that the other battles had also ended, there were three winning teams and, since all players of a winning team moved to the final stage, there were fifteen people left in the game. Which was starting again in five minutes.

“Nice shot” Armin’s voice said, coming from my headphones.

“Thank you, but I was also lucky, the guy was almost out of the base.”

“I am talking about the one that offed SpiderWeb, but the other one was great too” I could picture the smirk on his face.

“Well… he wasn’t wrong, I can really be a bitch sometimes.”

“He deserved it, and I like this ruthless mean streak of yours. Is that how you act in real life too?” he asked.

“Tsk tsk… why do you keep asking me so many questions?”

“I’m interested.” He was serious, no hint of laughter in his voice.

“You shouldn’t be” I murmured guiltily “I’m a mess.”

“I like a challenge” he said self-confident.

“Why don’t we make this more interesting?” he said after a pause “whoever wins this can ask the other one a question.”

“Why should I agree to this?” I asked with a snort.

“Think about it. Is there anything you want to ask me?”

I thought about it for a moment. There were so many things I wanted to know. What was his life now, if he ever thought about me… if he had moved on.

“Anything?”

“Anything.”

In that moment the game restarted and I run to take cover. “Deal” I said, before disappearing from the starting area. I run around for a little while deciding what to do.

There were 15 players, the best and safest option was to hide for a while and let them murder each other until there were just a few of them left. The setting was a post-apocalyptic city and, in a street, I found an abandoned building that looked promising. There was no map in this level and I couldn’t see where the everyone was, the only indication of the state of the game was the players count on the side of the screen and the announcement that appeared anytime a player was taken out and by whom.

I got in the building and ended up face to face with a someone right away. So much for the idea of the place being empty I thought. He must have been even more surprised than I was because, gun already in my hand, I managed to shoot him killing him immediately. The count went down by one and the message ‘Asterfox was killed by Tenn’ appeared on the right side of the screen.

I paused for a second, checking if anyone else was in the area and, when no one came out to kill me, I went upstairs and, laying on the rooftop, bracing my rifle, I waited while looking at the street below me. I had no intention of drawing attention to myself, so I was going to shoot only if I was sure I had a perfect chance for an instant-kill.

With that strategy I managed to take out another couple of players. After fifteen minutes there were only six left. Soon after the message ‘SpiderWeb was killed by Michelangelo’ appeared on the screen. I smirked, five to go.

“Where are you Tenn?” said Armin’s voice to my ear, our private channel still open.

“Like I am going to tell you” I snorted.

“Nah, that’s good. I like the chase” laughter in his voice, “some things are worth fighting for.”

I drew my breath feeling like I had been suckerpunched.

—–o—–

I was on the bed, laying on my side and hugging my knees to my chest. I was so tired… my eyes were red and swollen, having been crying for the past hour. Since our phone call.

“I am tired Armin” I had said “I don’t feel close to you anymore.”

Last time I had seen him had been three months before, when he had managed to visit me for a weekend.

“You are the one who left Candy. I am trying here, I really am. You are the one who is always busy either with school or new friends” he sounded defeated, we both were. This wasn’t the first time we were having that discussion. “Maybe some things are not meant to be and not worth fighting for.”

After those words I knew it was going to be the last.

—–o—–

“What do you mean?” I asked him, my voice barely shaking.

“That I learned the hard way when it’s time to give up.”

Hot rage washed over me. In that moment I saw him running below my outpost and went for the kill. I really hadn’t thought it through because the position was completely off and I missed him by a long shot. That, however, had been enough to alert him of my position.

“Gotcha!” I saw him running towards my building. I had to leave the roof immediately.

I had just made it down the stairs when he barged into the building and, a moment later, we were both standing there, our guns pointed to each other.

“Well…” he said chuckling “isn’t this a classic case of Mexican standoff. Really funny.”

“Funny?” I barked “nothing funny about it.”

“Oh yes, very funny indeed, because whatever happens to this point on, I have already won.”

“W-what?”

“Yes, if I shoot and kill you, I can ask you whatever I want. If you kill me, you can ask me whatever you want, effectively achieving my goal of having a conversation face to face with you. So winning in the end doesn’t really matter anymore. I would love to be the one running the show though, so I am going to try to win this anyway.”

“Would you throw away the whole competition?” I replied with poison in my voice, “the moment you shoot me I am out of here, and you still have other three people to take before winning the game.”

“I don’t care. As I said, some things are worth fighting for.”

Picking up a stranger girl in a game yes, but me? Not me.

“Well, maybe there’s nothing worth for me here” I pointed my gun at my own temple. “Goodbye Armin” I said, and shoot.

The moment my screen went black I was gathering my things and running out of the shop as fast as I could.

I heard a “Shit!” at my back but didn’t bother turning around. I knew I had surprised him, no one had killed the other, I didn’t owe him any fucking conversation whatsoever.

I got drenched as soon as I stepped out of the shop, it was raining, almost storming. I didn’t know what to do or where to go, I just knew I had to make as much space between me and the man who had given up on me. The man who I loved and who hadn’t found me worth of his time since a long while ago.

“Candy, stop!”

And like a magic spell, I stopped dead in my tracks and turned around. We were at the opposite ends of a narrow alley, it was so dark and the rain so heavy that I could barely see two feet in front of me. But I could hear his steps while approaching me. A few moments later, I raised my head and saw him standing in front of me.

Armin was exactly like I remembered him, except well… wetter. Taller and broader than one would expect anyone spending most of his days sitting in front of a pc. His black thick hair was a little longer than before, and were now plastered down to his face by the rain, and his eyes… in the dark I couldn’t see their colour, but I could never forget that deep blue I had lost myself in so many times.

We just stared at each other for a moment.

“Why are you here, Candy?” he said breathless.

“Neither of us won, I don’t have to tell you anything” I replied trying to turn around and leave, but he grabbed my arm and pushed me closer to him.

“Why did you come here?” he repeated “Don’t run away again goddammit.”

“I didn’t run away in the first place, you were the one who gave up on us”, I started to cry, luckily the rain was masking my tears.

“We both did. You had your new life and I was standing in your way. I was in a bad place because of my family and my crazy hacking. I wasn’t strong enough… but I am now.”

I stood there in the rain, with no idea of what to do or what to say.

“Why are you here?”

“Because… I had to know.”

“Know what?”

“How I felt about you.”

“And…?”

“It doesn’t matter” I forced myself to reply, “it’s been four years, you never came back for me.”

“You didn’t either.”

“I just did!” I cried.

“So, you are here to get back together.”

I tried to reply in protest, but his mouth came onto mine with strength, he started kissing me with a passion and ardour I hadn’t felt in so many years. He pushed me against a wall and caged me between his strong arms. His chest pressing against mine.

“I knew it was you from the moment I heard your voice” he said in between kisses “I suspected it even before, the way you play… I could recognise you anywhere, behind any mask.”

He kept kissing me and I realised I hadn’t done anything to stop him.

“When I play that game… part of me does it to feel closer to you. I see you behind every Syberia, I remember all the times we played together, all times we were together…”

He grabbed me by the back of my thighs and raised me so that my eyes were now aligned to his, and my legs around his waist.

“You left but the memory of you never did. I love you Candy, I never stopped and never will.”

Now I was the one kissing him with all I got. I put my hands under his shirt, I had to feel his warmth, to feel him.

“I love you too.”

“There’s no going back from this Candy, you’re mine” he said serious.

“I’ve always been…” then added “And you are mine.”

“Forever” he replied, staring me right in the eye.

My hands on his cheeks I stared back at him, “Forever.”

Then I kissed him again, for what would be the first of many, many times.

-----------

Edit: After a prompt request I ended up writing a NSFW sequel for this, you can find it here

#my candy love #amour sucré #dolce flirt #corazon de melon #amor doce #sweet crush #mcl armin #mcl #mclul #my writing #armin