#petition to dc from someone whos never seen her in a comic: can she look more clowny again i liked that design :)

[surrender-souls]

there’s so many characters running around dc and so many incarnations and different versions and shit man i just wanna grill!

[aion-rsa]

The Best Comics of 2020

https://ift.tt/eA8V8J

It has been a year, hasn’t it?

The year started with such tenuous promise, and is ending the same way: slivers of hope among rivers of misery. But even with all the chaos, all the changes forced by the pandemic and that were coming anyway, we still got some incredible comics in 2020. 

Let us be abundantly clear: every work of art made in the last year is a small miracle. Every comic creator who put irons in the fire in a year that certainly didn’t lack fires deserves gratitude and commendation. Picking 20 comics doesn’t do justice to the herculean work and dedication that everyone who works in comics demonstrated – from the creators, to the back office folks who kept the trains running on time and let us know they were coming, to the people who actually put the books in our hands, we should be immensely grateful to all of them. 

To those creators we say: Thank you for giving us a few minutes on Wednesdays (or Tuesdays) to escape…all this. 

With that said, there really were some excellent books, and we’re very excited to talk about the best comics of 2020.

20. Loneliness of the Long Distance Cartoonist

Adrian Tomine (Writer/Artist)

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Adrian Tomine is here to share his sadness with readers and inspire it in anyone who has ever tried to make art and present it to the world. In what might be his greatest work so far, the cartoonist collects his own diary comics about being an artist and trying to release a book.

The Loneliness of the Long Distance Cartoonist is painfully raw, uncomfortably authentic, and impressively hilarious. It takes guts to make yourself the butt of the joke and to do it so well, but there is such heart and humor here that it’ll speak to any reader whether or not you’ve ever had the (mis)fortune to make your own comics or not. 

19. Witch Hat Atelier 

Kamome Shirahama (Writer/Artist)

Speaking of wonderful manga, this series is one of the best books on shelves in any genre, format, or language. It’s hard to overstate how inventive and imaginative Witch Hat Atelier is but for the sake of this list we’ll try.

Kamome Shirahama paints a wonderful world where magic is real but only a select few can use it. Coco is our heroine and when she accidentally learns the secret behind using magic she’s inducted into a witch’s coven and is thrown into a vibrant world of sorcery, spells, and uneasy friendship with her fellow students. 

18. Daredevil

Chip Zdarsky (Writer); Marco Checchetto, Mike Hawthorne, Francesco Mobili, Jorge Fornes (Artists); Marcio Menyz, Mattia Iacono, Nolan Woodard (Colorists); Clayton Cowles (Letterer)

Chip Zdarsky’s Matt Murdock is terrific. His Wilson Fisk is Hall of Fame.

Fisk is attempting to go legit after discovering as Mayor of New York City that there is a much larger pond he could be swimming in. But the big fish in that pond (the Stromwyns – think Marvel’s Koch Brothers) don’t much get along with someone as insignificant as Fisk. What they do to him, and what Fisk does back, is incredible. 

The art on this run has been the real deal. Jorge Fornes and Marco Checchetto have handled the bulk of the pencils this year, and their dramatically divergent styles do a great job of showing the two sides of Murdock’s world – Fornes excels at the quiet investigatory work that Daredevil does, while Checchetto blows the doors off of some monster action set pieces. No lie, Stilt Man has never looked this good. This run is shaping up to be one of the best Daredevil stories of all time, a very high bar to clear.

17. The Department of Truth

James Tynion IV (Writer), Martin Simmonds (Artist)

What happens in a world where all conspiracy theories are actually true? Or that reality actually warps to accommodate new “truths” as they come into being? Such is the premise of The Department of Truth, which delivers on all the unsettling promise of its premise. The fact that it tells its story in a way that aesthetically calls to mind Alan Moore and Bill Sienkiewicz’s 1988 collaboration Shadowplay: The Secret Team, which told some unsavory details about how the CIA conducted some real world foreign policy only adds to the eerie feel.

With more and more people getting internet brain poisoning thanks to wilder and wilder conspiracy theories somehow becoming mainstream every day, The Department of Truth feels like one of the more timely comics of 2020. We only wish it could be a little less timely in some ways, though.

16. The Green Lantern Season Two

Grant Morrison (Writer), Liam Sharp (Artist), Steve Oliff (Colorist), Steve Wands (Letterer)

Grant Morrison and Liam Sharp have been quietly making one of the best superhero comics in decades over at DC, and although we can’t quite believe we’re saying this, it’s about Hal Jordan. The most boring Green Lantern of all has come to life in this trippy, experimental, and beautiful series which transcends space and time, showcasing the best of what Morrrison and Sharp do.

If you think that superhero comics are all the same, The Green Lantern will change your mind (and likely expand it) as Hal adventures through Sharp’s sprawling and stunning cosmos.

15. Immortal Hulk

Al Ewing (Writer); Joe Bennett, Mike Hawthorne, Butch Guice, Nick Pitarra, Javier Rodriguez (Pencilers); Ruy Jose, Belardino Brabo, Mark Morales, Tom Palmer, Marc Deering (Inkers); Paul Mounts, Matt Milla (Colorists); Cory Petit (Letterer)

Over at Marvel, Al Ewing and Joe Bennett have been equally delighting and horrifying readers with this reinvention of Bruce Banner and the hulking hero he becomes. This is about as close to a horror comic as a mainline superhero title can get as the team delve into the multiple manifestations of Hulk and the man behind them.

Just like The Green Lantern, The Immortal Hulk both reconsiders and revisits the lore that has made the character so iconic, and also features an impressive collection of Hulk-centric characters from throughout history. 

14. Shadow of the Batgirl

Sarah Kuhn (Writer), Nicole Goux (Artist)

DC Comics has been doing a great job bringing new visions of some of their best loved characters to the spotlight and Cass Cain got that treatment this year in this gorgeous graphic novel. Taking the one-time Batgirl and teaming her up with Barbara Gordon’s Oracle was a genius move, but the real magic here comes from the sweet natured take on the hero that Sarah Kuhn and Nicole Goux offer up.

Shadow of the Batgirl is a superhero comic with real heart and a look that feels far more like an indie comic than anything coming out of the big two. Just lovely!

13. Hedra

Jesse Lonergan (Writer/Artist)

Hedra is unlike anything we’ve ever seen before, and probably the same goes for you. It’s a completely silent comic, but it’s a massively dense, intricate storytelling experience. It’s light and cartoony, but it’s got panels that would look at home in an old Wally Wood comic. It’s got so many panels, and yet it’s full of moments that will take your breath away.

Lonergan manages the pace and flow of the storytelling so well that you have to experience it yourself to fully appreciate it. Hedra is a beautiful, smart, fascinating comic.

12. John Constantine: Hellblazer

Si Spurrier (Writer); Aaron Campbell, Matias Bergara (Artists); Jordie Bellaire (Colorist); Adita Bidakyar (Letterer)

Si Spurrier doesn’t seem like the type who gets mad often, but his John Constantine was fucking pissed, and goddamn if it wasn’t the best Hellblazer comic in decades. This too-brief run of comics starring everyone’s favorite dirtbag street mage was as much about England being a dumpster fire as it was about Constantine being a dumpster fire, and that low-key seethe gave this book an edge that many of Constantine’s more recent exploits have been missing.

Campbell and Bergara are gifted at depicting grimy fantasy, and Bellaire continues to be one of the greatest colorists who ever lived. In a sane, just world, a second volume of John Constantine: Hellblazer is being planned as we speak. Let’s hope.

11. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Last Ronin

Kevin Eastman, Peter Laird (Writers); Esau & Isaac Escorza (Artists); Luis Antonio Delgado (Colorist), Shaun Lee (Letterer)

When we saw a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles comic called The Last Ronin, we had no idea they meant Frank Miller Ronin. The art on this comic is astounding. 

The story is almost irrelevant, in part because it’s only just getting going (only one oversized issue has been released at the time of this writing). But it’s excellent set up – the last living Ninja Turtle assaults a city controlled by the Foot Clan to try and end their long battle once and for all. It’s set in the future, and heavily influenced by the cyberpunk ninja aesthetic so common to the genre, but filtered through a strong Miller lens that makes it a joy to discover.

10. Captain America: The End

Erik Larsen (Writer/Artist), Dono Sánchez-Almara (Colorist), Joe Caramagna (Letterer)

The superhero comic one shot is an underrated – even lost – art form these days. Annuals are often fill-in stories, and unless Marvel or DC are putting out an oversized issue to herald a line wide relaunch or a similar event, it’s rare that you get a nice thick single issue telling a self contained story of any real “importance.” Fortunately, there’s Captain America: The End.

Marvel’s The End line is exactly what it sounds like: an excuse for creators to tell not-really-in-continuity “final” stories for the biggest Marvel heroes. And while Captain America: The End ostensibly presents itself as the “final” Captain America story, it’s way more fun than that. Erik Larsen uses this opportunity to pay tribute to Cap’s greatest creative periods: specifically Jack Kirby’s two-fisted, acrobatic stint on the character in the 1960s, and his socially conscious and psychedelic late ’70s return to the book.

Wall to wall action, with Kirby-esque idea factory energy and dynamism at the forefront, Captain America: The End is one of the most purely fun superhero issues in years. But don’t mistake this for an exercise in nostalgia, as Larsen blends timely (and timeless) messages that help sum up what made Captain America great in the first place, and why we’ll never truly see the “last” Cap story.

9. Maison Ikkoku

Rumiko Takahashi (Writer/Artist)

We can’t make enough noise about how great Viz has been doing recently at making some of the harder to find manga classics available to bigger audiences. This lovely reprint of Rumiko Takahashi’s joyful slice of life comic technically came out decades ago, but most Western comics fans likely only came to it via this new printing.

Maison Ikkoku follows the misadventures of a young apartment building manager and the tenants that she has to keep in check. In turns sweet, silly, and saucy, this is truly a masterwork of manga that you must read. 

8. Billionaire Island

Mark Russell (Writer), Steve Pugh (Artist), Chris Chuckry (Colorist), Rob Steen (Letterer)

This is not Mark Russell, Steve Pugh, and Chris Chuckry’s first time on our lists, but it’s definitely the angriest they’ve been since showing up on here. If we’re really being fair, it’s entirely deserved. 

Billionaire Island is a wild fantasy story definitely based on nothing in reality about the world’s uber wealthy, who control the world, building their own island to ride out climate change while the poors all die off and suffer on the mainland. It follows a reporter with the Miami Herald, and an ex-mercenary who lost his family to Aggrocorp’s sterility experiments in Angola, as they try and bring down the aforementioned billionaires, are trapped on the island, and work to escape. 

It is every bit as hilarious as you would expect from the team who brought us The Flintstones, but there’s an edge to it that wasn’t there in Russell, Pugh and Chuckry’s earlier work. That’s probably because of the villains – The Flintstones skewered society, while Billionaire Island takes aim at the shittiest people in the world. Several of them by name.

Despite the undercurrent of anger, Billionaire Island is still packed with genuinely hilarious moments. Pugh’s sight gags remain incredible, and the comedic timing on display is outstanding. I had high expectations for Billionaire Island coming into it, and it exceeded all of them.

7. The Magic Fish

Trung Le Nguyen (Writer/Artist)

Feel like crying a lot? Because The Magic Fish got almost everyone we’ve seen read it. It’s an incredibly powerful yet quiet comic about a 13 year old coming to terms with who he is and how to talk with his parents about it. 

Tien, the aforementioned 13 year old, is a first generation Vietnamese-American with a crush on a friend and a mother who is still processing her move to the States and the family she left behind. Much of the story is about Tien trying to figure out how to broach the subject with his mother.

What stands out about The Magic Fish is how Nguyen tells the story. Much of it is is told by retellings of fairy tales – two modifications of the Cinderella story, and one of The Little Mermaid. The colors are especially effective in setting up the mood and tone of the sections of story, elegantly communicating so much about Tien’s emotional and intellectual state. And the fashion and hair are magnificent. Nguyen draws Alan Davis-good hairstyles. 

Nguyen’s The Magic Fish is accessible, deeply moving, and beautiful, a book that should be shared with friends.

6. Superman’s Pal, Jimmy Olsen

Matt Fracion (Writer), Steve Lieber (Artist), Nathan Fairbairn (Colorist), Clayton Cowles (Letterer)

It’s probably good that the prank war issue, where Timmy Olsen stole the wheel off the Batmobile for Youtube clout, was published last December, because otherwise this entire entry would be the Den of Geek reciting bits to each other like this was comics Anchorman. And all that time we’d spend telling each other we sure have created some…content…would distract from the fact that Superman’s Pal, Jimmy Olsen is one of the nicest, most thoughtful, best put-together comics in years. 

Beneath all of the gags – and there are a ton – Fraction, Lieber, Fairbairn, and Cowles put together a deceptively complex character study of Jimmy, Superman and Metropolis. This is a book that is as much about what Jimmy Olsen means to the people of Metropolis as it is about Dex-Starr puking blood on the remnants of Jimmy’s Gorilla City wedding, or the army of Kevins attacking him.

Lieber and Fairbairn were the perfect choices for art on this story: Lieber’s facial expressions and Fairbairn’s bright color palette sell every joke and set every mood that the story requires, and the way the creators play with time and information release is masterful. Superman’s Pal, Jimmy Olsen is essential reading, both because of its importance to the Superman universe as a whole, and because it’s just that damn funny.

5. Once and Future (READER’S CHOICE!)

Kieron Gillen (Writer), Dan Mora (Artist), Tamra Bonvillain (Colorist), Ed Dukeshire (Letterer)

Turns out letting Dan Mora draw his way through an English lit degree is a really good idea.

Joking aside, our readers have excellent taste, naming Once and Future their top pick for comic of the year.

Kieron Gillen takes the “story about a story” formula, smashes several more stories into the first one, and then lets Dan Mora and Tamra Bonvillain go ham on the whole thing, and the resulting comic is breathlessly exciting, and gorgeous to look at. It remixes Arthurian legend and this year added a sprinkle of Beowulf and developed the magic a little more, while juxtaposing that rich fantasy world with the mundanity of things like a senior living facility.

Mora draws monsters exceptionally well, and Bonvillain gives several scenes an ominous glow that sets a hell of a tone. Once and Future is a great pick by our readers, and is comfortably one of the best books of the year.

4. Dracula, Motherf**ker!

Alex de Campi (Writer/Letterer), Erica Henderson (Artist)

You may not realize that you need a grindhouse ‘70s story about Dracula’s brides being extremely done with his shit, but trust us, you need Dracula, Motherf**ker! in your life.

This book isn’t especially long, nor is it terribly complex. We get a lot of echoes of the original Dracula story updated to a dingy 1970s Los Angeles, and a lot of what you’d expect from a grindhouse horror comic, but it’s done exceptionally well by two incredibly talented storytellers. 

In retrospect, it’s hard to believe this is the first time de Campi and Henderson have ever worked together. Dracula, Motherf**ker! felt a lot like someone discovering peanut butter cups for the first time – there’s that dawning realization as you’re reading that it really works well, and then a secondary shock that nobody had ever done it before.

De Campi is a pro’s pro and a veritable cluster bomb of ideas. Henderson is a gifted sequential artist who gets to show off her mastery of color art as a storytelling device in these pages. The final package is outstanding. 

3. Far Sector

N.K. Jemisin (Writer), Jamal Campbell (Artist), Deron Bennett (Letterer)

The quality level of Far Sector is almost impossible to believe. Jamal Campbell doesn’t have an enormous comics resume, and this is N.K. Jemisin’s debut comic story. And yet the skill evident in every panel screams that this was made by a team of master craftsmen. 

Far Sector is the story of Jo Mullein, a new Green Lantern with an experimental, self-charging ring, dispatched to a floating megacity run jointly by three alien races; the Nah, a group of spacefaring fishtailed/winged bipeds; the keh-Topli, a group of carnivorous plants; and the @at, a race of sentient ethereal memelords. Jo is there at the request of the ruling council to investigate the City Enduring’s first murder in centuries. 

Her investigation is our way into Jemisin and Campbell’s vibrant imaginations.

This is a stunning book to look at – at least once an issue, Campbell draws something completely mind-bending. And Jemisin writes with the easy confidence and command of the form that people who have been writing comics for 50 years can’t match: there isn’t a wasted word on a single page of this entire series. It’s elegantly topical, stunning to look at, and a ton of fun to read. Far Sector is handily one of the greatest Green Lantern stories of all time.

X of Swords

Jonathan Hickman, Tini Howard, Leah Williams, Benjamin Percy, Vita Ayala, Zeb Wells, Ed Brisson, Gerry Duggan (Writers); Pepe Larraz, Carlos Gomez, Viktor Bogdanovic, Matteo Lolli, Carmen Carnero, Rod Reis, Phil Noto, R.B. Silva, Mahmud Asrar, Leinil Francis Yu, Stefano Casselli, Joshua Cassara (Artists); Marte Gracia, Israel Silva, Matt Wilson, Edgar Delgado, David Curiel, Nolan Woodard, Sunny Gho, Guru-eFX, Rachelle Rosenberg (Colorists); Clayton Cowles, Joe Caramagna, Cory Petit, Ariana Maher, Travis Lanham, Joe Sabino (Letterers)

X-Men fans are not commonly known for our penchant for consensus. We can and will argue over everything, from who’s a better partner for Cyclops to which story arc in the ‘90s was actually rock bottom. So when you get near unanimity that X of Swords is the best X-Men crossover since Inferno, you can pretty much take that to the bank. 

The culmination of the first phase of the X-universe’s post House of X/Powers of X plan, X of Swords tied all the mutant comics back together to take on a couple of the biggest ideas dropped in and immediately after HoXPoX. It did something that was nearly impossible: it paid off a year’s worth of stories from ten different series, with satisfying climaxes for more than a handful of storylines. 

It did this in part because several creators are making the jump to superstardom. Larraz somehow managed to do even better work than on House of X, delivering massive beat after massive beat in the final issue of the crossover. Tini Howard spent a year making Excalibur the best book in the line, and wove her plot threads through the crossover she co-shepherded (with Boss X or whatever they’re calling Hickman) to give us a foundational Otherworld and Captain Britain story. All the while, Howard also made sure that this Excalibur-centric crossover paid homage to the first Excalibur series – packing it full of magical silliness and genuine heart. Vita Ayala only got one issue in the crossover, but that issue will go down as one of Storm’s best stories of all time. And Joshua Cassara drew two issues of fights and competitions, and dropped multiple staggering spreads.

The X-Men line as a whole is the best it’s been in decades, and there’s no better proof of that than in X of Swords.

Blue in Green

Ram V (writer), Anand RK (Artist), Aditya Bidikar (Letterer)

Fiction is especially tough when the storyteller isn’t up to the subjects. If someone is writing a book about the smartest person in the world, the writer has to be smart enough to believably put brilliance in that character’s mouth. If someone is making a comic about a drug that makes everyone indescribably beautiful, then the art has to be angelic, or the book falls apart. 

But when a creative team IS up to the task, the end result can be sublime. That’s what Ram V, Anand RK and Aditya Bidikar gave us with Blue in Green. A comic about jazz that so perfectly evokes the form of its subject matter that I’m willing to bet this comic is taught in years to come. Blue in Green is incredible comics. 

Blue in Green’s story is broadly familiar: it’s the crossroads tale, where the Devil meets a gifted musician and trades the musician’s life for magnificent talent. Erik is a talented saxophonist with a rough family history who’s pissing away his talents half-heartedly teaching kids how to play. He goes home for his mother’s funeral, makes his deal, and wakes up days later, after a fugue state that included him blowing the doors off of a jazz club with his sax. Eventually, the bill comes due. 

The presentation has a uniquely loose flow to it, moving from rigid grids to collage with prose attached, with surreal, disorienting colors that match the mood of the section of story marvelously. The way the storytelling shifts from section to section, the way the form changes so that it can tell the story as much as the words or art can, is one of the most skillful feats of comics creation I’ve read in years. It’s like its own kind of visual jazz. Blue in Green is an astounding piece of comics storytelling, and I can’t wait to read what’s next from everyone involved.

The post The Best Comics of 2020 appeared first on Den of Geek.

from Den of Geek https://ift.tt/38KsveF

[beyondthetemples-ooc]

“Why” tags are going here because Tumblr’s a baby who can’t handle all these words at once. :P

Why:

#but i spent my whole life absolutely CONVINCED that wings belonged on my body. it just... tok me a good long while to figure out Why.

#Oh THAT'S why everyone's freaking out over that post.

#at first I was like ''Wow this is Srentha to the core!'' And then I read ''why this unreasonable answer at the sight

#honestly this is why i'm basically addicted to empty-mind meditation?

#??? why do people do these awful things to Good People though

#i don't know how or why and i don't remember ever having Learned about That Letter? but my mind automatically knew it was 'hath' somehow

#Of course that DOES beg the question of why a LORd of CHAOS doesn't... you know. CHANGE it? ??

#first of all: REM WHY ARE YOU COMING to OHIO of all places???

#okay but. randy how did they MEET what's the STORY why are they HATING on TEXAS

#or like. a Sarcastic Joke because cyborg was once like ''why aren't you miss mary sunshine''?

#''What are you DOING. You RUN. ALWAYS RUN.'' and i was like. ''why bother getting into adventures if you're gonna RUN though..''

#I don't know why but I always score better on Customer Service Questionaires when I choose responses like ''I'm sorry

#i've never seen that still before and I CAN;T FATHOM WHY because that is FANTASTIC!

#I don't know why but ''novice suddenly ends up with super incredibly powerful abilities'' is one of my FAVORITE TROPES!

#I have no idea how/why but these just gave me Massive Leyla and Srentha Feels.

#my usual turnaround time for Dreams to Real Life is about two weeks. not sure why but it happens to like 7 people in my immediate family

#Especially with the bells. I don't know why but bells always remind me of that place. ~<3

#Nobody intrinsically knows how to solve problems that hurt another person. That's why COMMUNICATION is so important!

#also: Good Post re: Why Danny is So Actually-Great

#why does everyone spell ''bear with me' like that?

#i know right? Why did I never think of that??

#why do i love this so much

#that's basically why Evanescence became my favorite band. it's not all romo-/sexually-centric

#i've always read it the same way and didn't notice Why Everyone Stopped Liking Her but that also brought that particular Change to light...

#groans eternally in Tumblr's direction. why even bother with all these updates.

#Oh THAT'S why Eda could do glyphs! /joke

#thaaaat's probably why Fancie Word Choice has always been a strength in my writing.... {lD;;;;;

#velvet and sheer... why have I never seen that combination before? It's GLORIOUS

#That's probably why he's so good at spontaneous Travelling too. Lots of practice when trying to find her... /owo

#This is why House and Senate votes count though! The President may have a lot of control over the military but a strong H+S

#I know MC Escher was a master of this (whatever This is) and that's why he's one of my favorite artists.

#okay but I'm intensely curious why he didn't have a plan to take HIMSELF out and thought he'd have to rely on THEM dsfndsgmfhdgj

#I wonder why he'd need to attack/defend while shifted? Can he also use such magic when he's not shifted?

#but I think that variety is why her every new album is so refreshingly Different.  Her singing ALONE improves so MUCH with every album!

#the only difference is that I imagined the fire came with smoke and that's why her gasp was so strangled and she grabbed her throa

#honestly this is why i'm basically addicted to empty-mind meditation?

#i'm cleaning my room and i misplaced it. badfnmkngjf;lk this is why i hate cleaning

#but scenes like this are why i love DC's latest gen of animated movies

#that Friends As Family theme was super important to why i love the 80's comics too..........

#this is why i read fanfic

#i think she feels slighted in some way but i can't pinpoint Exactly Why let alone HOW.

#and it's like.. Halfo f why lapis's characterization is so Shaky for me? Because the girl barely talks??? And she has like 7 Speech Modes

#^^^^ GUYS THIS WAS ALERINA. This is the environment Dove was raised in! This is why losing her mother tore her apart! ^^^^^

#This is so so SO important and delves deeply into why language is so important for learners and general humanity alike. ~<333

#that's why my tag for Old People Stories isn't specific to any generation. it's just Shitty Adults Being Shitty

#I write primarily about OCs and I know that's why my readership is so low. I write stories for a Dead Fandom that has declined sharply.

#you know? so that's why my Affirmations Tag is like 60% Steven UniversE Content at this point. 8F It's Helping Me Learn!

#It's a CIRCADIAN THING not an INSOMNIA THING. I don't know why my doctors don't believe it's NOT the same as INSOMNIA

#oh is THAT why my love language is ''all of them''?

#and i hardcore headcanon ry ouwearing glasses when he gets older. so why not?

#i Suck at the aCTUAL DRAWING art but i'm i na bit of a fallow period with the org and personal life. so why not?

#i'm already planning an aviary for the doves. so why not? (they'd be Very Separate from teh raven though. for obvious reasons)

#let's add to the Emotional Whiplash of Today pile. sure! why not!!

#but i got the dvd and i have vlc so why not use them i guess? i already had it in the drive for the extras and this way there's .....

#She can hop dimensions so why on Earth-- ALL the Earths-- hasn't she Been Relevant to ANY multi-timeline crisis yet???

#yes of fucking COURSE Dove and the rest are in Team Transition too!! Why on Earth-- on ANY earth! wouldn't I transition them too?!

#so why on earth did danny chase get shafted so hard?????

#about WHY or if she's GONNA be OKAY or HOW or--

#So gentle and soft and concerned and really quite quiet and subtle... which might be why others didn't pick up on the Love Vibe

#but the last one I reblogged didn't have that specified! 8O i don't know why one of my special interests is Unusual Instruments

#why WOULDN'T you snog a snitch if it could bring your dead loved ones back though? Why on Earth WOULDN'T you???

#but it's about ''they're very different. but they're friends!'' It just never talks about why or how that's important.

#(i think that's her full name for some reason but i don't know why or when i heard/saw it. somebody please correct me if i'm wrong!)

#I must be an Asker. I've never understood why people are so convinced they Can't Say No if someone asks?

#i also think PTSD makes you react to fear Differently from Pure Adrenaline Responses... but i can't unravel Why right now

#And also at the time I couldn't fathom why someone would think she was autistic. because i didn't know myself

#god this foreshadowing was just. so sincere and heart-rending and when this episode came out I *DID* wonder why she'd say that...

#I'm STILL trying to figure out why Srentha thought Dove was confessing that she has heartworm. (i know she Does Not in fact

#at first I was like ''Wow this is Srentha to the core!'' And then I read ''why this unreasonable answer at the sight

#i can't figure out why though

#If my Harmony Core theory is correct: it would explain why they're playing their music So Hard.

#the fact that my first reaction was ''why though'' is..... concerning?

#raven's like How? Why The HELL. and dove doesn't have a good answer besides ''it felt like i needed it.''

#fun fact: i misread this as ''zatana zatara / MICHIGAN '' and i was like... ''why the fUCK--''

#i don't know why there's all this fanart of

#and also sugar skulls are delightful but you should really know what they MEAN and REPRESENT and WHY they're sweet and flamboyant

#if someone is passionate; angry; or distressed over a topic: She doesn't always understand WHY until they EXPLAIN it. If they do at all.)

#oh hey why was THAT line never a meme

#this is why we need

#but that doesn't make it any less FRUSTRATING because I've been wORKING THROUGH the pptsd and why won't it STOP?

#(because that's why we have to pay for everything from movies to individual channels now. let's be real)

#i've never understood why winter and fall were the only ~fashionable~ seasons for wearing black.

#I mean to be FAIR some of the government DID mobilize and that's why we got the Stimulus Bill.

#But DC... this bullshit is why we can't have nice things

#and as soon as I looked it up: y first thought was ''Oh is that why we call them Abner?'' My second was ''Is that what *I* am?''

#also if you're as powerful as zee it probably comes second-nature so why WOULDN'T you throw it around to stop an argument?

#okay but if SPINEL doesn't know then how/why would BLUE know

#what? no i didn't just stare at this for a solid two minutes and read it over five times. no.. why would I do that?

#that's because it's not ''cool'' to hate on it so why would it be ''cool'' to like it ironically?

#why WOULDN'T you snog a snitch if it could bring your dead loved ones back though? Why on Earth WOULDN'T you???

#but it's not like a ragey angry thing. it's like........ war of attrition? why yes i think i WILL sign the 47th petition for the same thing

#over and over again and rewound and replayed until i got the whole spell written down. why YES I'm a little hyperfixated! why do you ask!!!

[harveywritings92]

One sided friendship Batboys series:Dick Grayson X Reader. p 1/2

The following is a non profit fan based story Batman, Red hood, Nightwing etc. belongs to DC Comics please support the official release.

_

I gain no profit from this nor do I own anything other then OCs  and whatever sprouts from my imagination. Thanks for reading!

Your POV:

"Ah...what happened last night?..." My voice croaked God my mouth tasted awfu, my whole body feels like it went through the spin-cycle...I gotta hurl! I groaned as my joints pop and body protested from standing up, I sigh wincing in pain as sunlight shined my eyes in from the tiny cracks from the curtain, Wait my window isn't that big? 

I swallowed and got up from the bed walked over to the window and drew back the curtain to reveal...Niagara Falls?! that seem snapped me awake faster than a hamster on coffee! 

*When...How did I get to Canada?!* then I noticed what I was wearing a gray button up shirt...a man's button up shirt...My heart was rattling in my rib-cage as I finally got a good look around the room. it was obviously at the Casino...

And I wasn't alone I saw a passed out redheaded man passed out on the floor..in my dress! I'd be laughing right now if I wasn't freaking out! I went to run a hand through my hair and I saw a tiny glint in the corner of my eye...It was ring a wedding ring...my stomach churned as I looked over to Whats-his name and saw a similar ring on his finger too...

"What the shit?" I croaked sobbingly before I was harshly interrupted by the contents of my stomach decided to remind me what I had for dinner the other night, and ran to the bathroom. While making friends with the porcelain throne...I tried to piece together how I got here...

It was all because of Richard 'Effin' Grayson! we used to be thick as thieves, but then he started noticing girls! every time he would go out meet some girl and he'd fall for her, shower her with attention and gifts and then she'd get fed up with him ditching their dates, due to his nightly activities and he go crying to me..the stupid girl who was dumb enough to hold on what little hope I had, that he'd notice me and my feelings. But no, every time I had the courage to speak to him about it...

I'd run into him while he was on a date or introduce me to his new girlfriend and the cycle would start all over again! Which was totally unfair! He can date around and ignore me, but if a guy ever shows a sliver of interest in me. He gets all pissy and tells them to back off or sabotage my dates! and recently he started obsessing over some girl he'd seen at one Bruce's gala...

As Dick described her: she had e/c, glossy [long/short] hair and nice [full/petite.] figure for a small fleeting moment I though he was talking about me...only to be introduced to [similar sounding name] at an old classmate's wedding that the two of us were kind of friends with, and the crazy thing is? 

SS/n looked exactly like me only with a nicer figure,perfect height darker/lighter hair and eyes and dressed more provocatively then me...that was the worst fucking blow to my heart. 

Dick was pretty much telling me that he's wants someone like me...but not Me. After that I remember getting into my car and just drove off, I didn't care where... I just had leave! I had to get away from Gotham, from Bludhaven from Dick, everything...

I vaguely remember checking my phone for flights and came across an ad for Niagara falls...Well I did have vacation days, And Bruce has been badgering me to take some time off. taking a risk I submitted my vacation time and list of temps to cover for me while I'm gone and booked the first available flight which was in four hours and just drove to the airport. 

I must've looked very odd a girl dressed like a nerdy princess walking around the airport a 12 am, a few little girls actually looked a me in awe and asked for a selfies *they must be on their way to Disney world or just got back from Disney world...*  I though and happily obliged to their request their parent were grateful and apologetic at the same time,

When my flight was boarding I got a text from the bride asking if I was alright? and what shitty move Grayson pulled... I snorted a girl I barely talked to in school was more worried about me then Dick! he saw my face he knew I was upset! but, he ignored me in favor of his new girlfriend who was just going to dump him once he starts bailing on her for Nightwing duties. I texted back saying I was fine and shut my phone off...

That was...what was the date? When I was finally done with throwing up...I looked around the room for my phone and some clue as to who and how I supposedly married the redheaded stranger! I eventually I found my phone I've seriously been gone two weeks?! But, I could've sworn I just left! then I noticed the camera... 

It was pink and had a cheesy logo on it Reverend Al's 10 min weddings! taking a leap I hooked the camera to the TV...And my face immediately turned bright red..."Oh god kill me now..." I moaned into my hands mortified as the guy next to me woke up and looked around disoriented before barfing on to my dress...Mental note burn that dress...And learn supposed husband's name....

A few days later..

"Something's wrong, I know it father!" Damian huffed as he followed Bruce downstairs the older Wayne sighed he explained to his son that Y/n was just on vacation and should be back any day now...But his son wasn't having it he knew Y/n would at least call them how her trip was! or how long she was gonna be or a least to see how Damian himself was doing...she pretty much the big sister/mother he never had growing up.

So, of course he freaking out...Someone has to! Grayson was too clouded with infatuation to even noticed Y/n was gone and her cheap plastic knock-off was had overstayed her welcome the second she step foot in this manor, She would act all sweet and nice, but the second Grayson left she would become obnoxiously rude had pig manners.

 [like chewing loudly,going days without bathing,eating like a donkey raised her etc.] and was possibly cheating on Grayson judging how quickly Ss/n would openly flirt and throw herself at his father, Drake or Todd and when they rejected her advances she make a scene causing Dick to come and rescue her.

Everyone hated her and couldn't understand why Dick would date someone like her who was obviously dating him for money and attention, when he first hinted that he liked a girl with [y/hc] and [y/ec] they assumed he was talking about Y/n...even Todd boasted that.

"it was about Effin' Time!" But when he showed up with [ss/n] it was slap to the face to everyone...Damian went to go find Y/n and check on her, but found her apartment empty he asked Bruce about it and his father explained that she had just clocked in her vacation days and would be gone for a while...

They got to kitchen and immediately Bruce and Damian's mood soured seeing [ss/n] drinking orange juice straight from the carton and her mouth stained with what appeared to be oatmeal...heaven forbid what was floating around in that juice carton! Damian grimaced as she noticed them She swallowed loudly and put the juice back.

"Oh, good morning Mr. Wayne.~" the girl purred shamelessly showing her exposed bra to the older man who decided that he'd grab breakfast at the office and left then she noticed Damian and her mood soured. "What are you looking at brat?!" 

she sneered before Damian could snark out a reply her phone started ringing and she quickly escaped bumping into Jason who grimaced at her as she passed him. 

"What's miss Piggy's problem?" He asked taking the orange juice out the fridge, his younger brother just blanched as Jason brought the carton up to his lips, but noticed Damian's face and immediately back pedaled.

"The bicycle drank this, didn't she?" he seethed this was his juice! it had his name on it, no one touches Jason's shit! He dumped the carton a looked ready spew when he saw the oatmeal chunks floating down the drain. "And she ate my fucking Oatmeal! Goddammit! Grayson!" Jason bellowed sprinting up the stairs looking for the acrobat.

 Damian rolled his eyes already how this song and dance will go...Drake, Todd or his father will confront Grayson about Ss/n's behavior she'd make scene causing him to make excuses or be defensive and would all end with everyone on both sides the silent treatment...the green eyed boy sighed in annoyance and went to go train in the cave when he saw a taxi coming up the drive.

Strange, they weren't expecting any visitors...."Ummi?" He said heart pounding in his chest as he sprinted to the main foyer just in time to see his father opening the door to Y/n!...and some redhead man who was younger then his father by few years.

the h/c smiled at Bruce sheepishly as Damian noted her attire black jeans, f/c t-shirt that said I <3 Niagara Falls and a worn out Letterman's jacket that obviously didn't belong to her..

"Hi Bruce...Damian sorry I took longer then I sai-" She cut off by the boy running up and hugging her waist "Don't leave again.." he mumbled into her stomach before turning to mystery man who was awkwardly observing them. "Don't you have a route or fares to collect?" the boy hissed at the gray eyed man who stared bug eyed at the kid before rubbing the back of his head.

"o-oh boy, um... I'm not a cabbie I'm Y/n's-" Y/n nervously intervened.

"Say, where's uncle Alfred I need to tell him something..."

"You didn't tell them yet?" 

"It didn't feel right doing it over the phone, sue me!"

The redheaded man winced as Bruce looked between the two and noticed their hands...or rather their ring fingers and shit it the fan. "BOYS! ALFRED! FAMILY MEETING!! NOW!?"Damian gawked at his father stunned he has never been this angry in front of company before! 

"What's going on Ummi?" He asked Y/n who just smiled sadly and readjusted her large framed glasses the photochromic lenses were dark and hid her eyes, as Alfred and the other boys showed up along with Ss/n who sneered when she saw Y/n..."Den. Now.." Bruce said calmly as his sons swallowed wondering what they did?

They, Alfred, Y/n, mystery guy went into the den Ss/n went to follow only for Bruce to blocked her from entering "I said family meeting, you're not family.." he hissed at her the Darker/lighter H/c gaped at him like a fish and pointed at Y/n in disgust "She's allowed!" She shrieked in his face.

 "Y/n is Alfred's niece that makes her family.." Bruce huffed before slamming the door in Ss/n's face they heard her screech stomp her foot like a child before hearing her footsteps hurry away...

"Wait, how come this guy can stay, but not my girlfriend?" Dick demanded eyeing the redheaded man suspiciously and annoyed that he was sitting so damn close to Y/n. who was trying to avoid everyone's stares as she found her voice.

 "I really think this is a little extreme?" Bruce shot her a look that could melt paint steel, the e/c girl swallowed hard "S-so, you guys know that I went on vacation.." Dick cut her off "When did you go on vacation?" he sounded bemused and offended that she hadn't said anything to him, his brother's just looked at him like Seriously? 

"I've been gone for almost three weeks, Richard..." she said ignoring pain in her chest that he hadn't noticed she was gone. while Jason pitched in 

"I seriously thought you would've at least noticed the gremlin whining 'Ummi...where's my ummi?' non-stop for the last two weeks!" Damian turned red and snapped at Jason to shut up as he kept his arms around Y/n's waist glaring at the streaked haired man.

whilst everyone gave Dick shit for not noticing his so-called best friend was missing for almost half a month, Tim commented about how she could've been kidnapped or murdered and he would've been too busy with his "hairpin Cinderella" to notice "That's over the lin-" the oldest brother was about ready to tear into Tim for that, They were cut off by their foster father slamming his hand on the table.

"Could we please talk about the fact she came back married!?" Bruce bellowed a pregnant silence filled the air as the boys slowly turned to Y/n in disbelief who sighed bringing a hand to her forehead showing the gold glint of her wedding band. 

"Hayden say hello to the boys..." she mumbled quickly as Hayden awkwardly waved "Hi boys." he cleared his throat as everyone gawked at the 'couple' stunned then Dick burst out laughing after a few minutes of this he sighed wiping a tear from his eye. "heheh..Good Joke Y/n! you and Bruce almost had us...Right?" he saw no one else was laughing..."Right?" Y/n bit her lip took out the USB from the camera and plugged it into with the den's TV...

[[A faded pink banner read out Reverend Al's Ten minute weddings! is hung haphazardly over what appeared to be a lounge that hasn't been decorated since 1970 lit up by a broken disco ball and fairy lights...

at a graying podium a priest in a sequin jacket and bell bottoms, boredly reads wedding rights to an obvious shotgun marriage as both sets of parents were glaring at the pregnant bride and the groom in disappointment as they walked out of the lounge in annoyance...

Just as the good reverend was about to put bible away he looked up and rolled his eyes muttering "God..are you kidding?" under his breath and sighed as Y/n still in the dress she wore at their classmate's wedding was practically dragged down the aisle by a drunk Hayden who giggling as he tried to hold the possibly more inebriated Y/n up as she kept trying to sit or lay down. The priest huffed looked at his watch "Alright my kid's got a thing in ten and my wife's gonna flip on me...let's make this quick!"

"Do you?"

"Y...Y/n *hic*"

"Take..

"Hey-Dan!" 

To be yer husband and wife?"

"I g-got Neerds in my bra!" Pulls out candy box and pours some in Hayden's hand.

"Aces! Sugar Tits!" pops them in his mouth and smiles at the priest.

The priest gives them a blank stare, but goes with it..."Right then, by the power vested in me by the province of Ontario I pronounce you man and wife, here's coupon book for Cliffton Hill...Kiss n' get out!" the priest sneered handing them the marriage license his assistant was filling out for them, 

He stamped it and and put it in Y/n's purse as she and Hayden gave each other a small peck on the lips and wandered out of the church completely oblivious to what they just did...then came back a few seconds later to steal the camera..]]

Y/n stopped the recording blushing bright freaking red "Trust you don't want to see what's on rest of this..." she mumbled as everyone was staring at the screen stunned, well everyone except Dick who kept his eyes on Y/n who was fiddle with her glasses waiting for someone to say something, he noticed a mark on her neck...

a hickey? this was real? she let that stranger..., the scent coming off her wasn't her perfume it was to rich and musky, the ring on her finger...it...a weird feeling curdled into Dick's stomach it felt tight and his heart felt like it had taken a bath in acid...

He couldn't place the feeling, but knew he couldn't stay anywhere near Y/n's husband out of fear of what he may do to Hayden. "I'm going for a walk..." was all Dick said before calmly leaving the den... Y/n and Hayden both flinched hearing the front doors slam whilst everyone stood stock still.

Till Alfred snapped out of his stupor and punch Hayden in the face "You, disgusting scoundrel! womanizing git!" the old man snarled as Jason pulled the old man away from the ginger who was stunned knocked out of his shoes by an old man,

 "And this is why I wanted to speak to Alfred privately!" Y/n sighed as Damian looked very conflicted, half was angry that  Grayson had finally driven Y/n too far... while the other was horrified that they'll never get rid of Ss/n now that Y/n been wedded! 

Alfred's angry voice cut in "Young lady we are going to city hall this instant for an annulment!" her uncle seethed pointing at the door, but Y/n stood her ground "Well, maybe I don't want an annulment." Alfred and the boys gawked at her.

 "I know you're all hoping that Dick will pull the damn wool off hie eyes...But, considering the girl he wants will never be me, I think it's for the best I move on..." She said meekly as Alfred huffed "No, A thousand times no! I listen dear, I know  how men like Hayden work, and this?" he holds up her hand showing her ring to herself. "Is just a phase to distract him from whatever void he thinks is plaguing his life." Y/n blinked at her uncle bemused then looked at Tim who cleared his throat.

"Alfred saying Hayden only married you because of a mid-life crisis..." the teen explained as said ginger awkwardly raised his hand. "Y'know I'm sitting right here?" he said then all the males in the room slowly turned and glared at him "Shut-up." they snapped Hayden blanched "Ok.." he squeaked and averted his eyes to the floor, and Y/n calmly pulled away from her uncle.

"Look, I understand your all just trying look out for me, But I'm not going to sit around and wait...it's time look at a new chapter in my life and that's just Dick's loss." Alfred still begged that she and Hayden get an annulment but, Bruce stop him. 

"Alfred, Y/n is a grown woman this is her choice and we have to respect that, even if it hurts someone in the end." The billionaire said gently as the butler looked down sullenly and with that the meeting was over.

Y/n and Hayden went back to her apartment to well clean up any expired food. and just get over the jet-lag they were feeling, As they settled in for the night neither noticed Nightwing watching them from the tree outside Y/n’s bedroom gritting his teeth in anger...

[the-desolated-quill]

We Need To Talk About James Gunn - Quill’s Scribbles

This could prove to be the most controversial Scribble I’ve ever written on this blog, and the sad thing is it really shouldn’t be, in my opinion.

First off, a couple of disclaimers because I know some people are going to accuse me of ‘bias’. I’ve never been very fond of James Gunn as a filmmaker, it’s true. I thought the first Guardians Of The Galaxy movie was okay at best and I absolutely hated the sequel, but I confess that’s less to do with any inherent flaws in the films themselves and more to do with the fact that I just don’t like Gunn’s style of humour. Oh don’t get me wrong. There are still legitimate problems, which I’ll go into later when they become relevant, but I’m big enough to admit that my dislike for his brand of comedy and storytelling is merely due to my own subjective tastes (the same is true of Taika Waititi and Thor: Ragnarok).

Okay. So. Let’s talk about James Gunn.

As I’m sure most of you know, in July 2018, an alt-right conspiracy theorist called Mike Cernovich unearthed tweets made by Gunn between 2008 and 2012 where he made offensive jokes and remarks about sensitive topics such as rape, child abuse and paedophilia. While James Gunn did apologise and vowed to ‘do better,’ Disney, fearing the public backlash, fired Gunn as director of Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 3 and dismissed him from any role in producing and expanding Marvel’s planned ‘Cosmic Universe.’ The result was the public backlash Disney were trying to avoid in the first place. They received a lot of criticism from various entertainers and filmmakers, as well as many media outlets such as Collider and The Independent, the cast of Guardians wrote a letter urging Disney to reconsider their decision with Dave Bautista in particular being very vocal in his criticism, and there was a massive outcry from fans who petitioned for Gunn to be rehired. Guy Lodge, writing for The Guardian, asked the question ‘Was James Gunn the first undeserving victim of Hollywood’s new zero tolerance policy?’ Now I’d argue the answer to that question is a definitive no, but apparently, and surprisingly, that’s not a very popular opinion among liberals. So I’d very much like to challenge them as we explore James Gunn’s moral character and ask ourselves why he’s being defended so passionately.

Before we go any further, I think it would be a good idea for me to show you some of the tweets that we’re talking about, just to remind everyone what we’re dealing with here.

Now I hope we can all agree that this is objectively disgusting. Only an amoral, depraved and utterly moronic individual would find offensive tweets like these even remotely funny. But I should make it clear that, by James Gunn’s own admission, these tweets represent who he was rather than who he is. In his apology, he described himself as a ‘provocateur’ during the early days of his career, making shocking statements for the purposes of ‘satire.’ But it’s okay because he’s a better person who has grown and matured fully and will never do this again. Fair enough, you’d think. He admitted what he did was wrong and apologised profusely. That was a very honourable and decent thing to do.

Except we’ve seen this song and dance before.

In 2012, roundabout when Marvel announced they were making a Guardians Of The Galaxy movie with James Gunn directing, an old blog post of Gunn’s resurfaced entitled ‘The 50 Superheroes You Most Want To Have Sex With.’ The original post has since been deleted, but cached versions still exist here and there around the internet if you know where to look. Here are a few quotes from said blog:

[on natasha romanoff, the highest ~debut] “considering she’s fucked half the guys in the marvel universe, that’s quite a feat”

[on batwoman] “i’m hoping for a dc-marvel crossover so that tony stark can turn her; she could also have sex with nightwing and still be a lesbian”

”Many of the people who voted for the Flash were gay men. I have no idea why this is. But I do know if I was going to get fucked in the butt I too would want it to be by someone who would get it over with quick.”

Needless to say, this was quite offensive and causing bad PR, so James Gunn issued an apology:

“A couple of years ago I wrote a blog that was meant to be satirical and funny. In rereading it over the past day I don’t think it’s funny. The attempted humor in the blog does not represent my actual feelings. However, I can see where statements were poorly worded and offensive to many. I’m sorry and regret making them at all.

People who are familiar with me as evidenced by my Facebook page and other mediums know that I’m an outspoken proponent for the rights of the gay and lesbian community, women and anyone who feels disenfranchised, and it kills me that some other outsider like myself, despite his or her gender or sexuality, might feel hurt or attacked by something I said. We’re all in the same camp, and I want to do my best to make this world a better place for all of us. I’m learning all the time. I promise to be more careful with my words in the future. And I will do my best to be funnier as well. Much love to all – James”

Sound familiar?

Now of course it’s unfair to judge the man based on past actions that he himself apologised for. What matters is the present. Whether or not he has demonstrated to a reasonable standard that his work has grown and matured and that his offensive idiocy is a thing of the past. So let’s look at the Guardians Of The Galaxy movies.

While the first movie received critical acclaim, a few people (particularly fans of the source material) complained about how Gamora was treated. The so called ‘most powerful woman in the galaxy’ was reduced to a love interest, an occasional damsel in distress and there were a few odd occasions where she was objectified and degraded based on her sexual history. The most prominent example of which is when Drax describes her as ‘a green whore.’ The context being that he was ignorant of how offensive he was being despite trying to compliment her and call her a friend, and this was played for laughs in the movie. The second movie has more examples. Gamora’s role still paled in comparison to the role she played in the comics, and a new female character called Mantis was introduced whose power level from the comics was also significantly reduced for the movie and whose character was effectively reduced to be a punchline/punching bag. There’s also a scene involving Drax where he frequently describes her as ugly, saying that "when you're ugly and someone loves you, you know they love you for who you are. Beautiful people never know who to trust." Again this is played for laughs. Except I’d argue that an adult man constantly fixating on a woman’s appearance isn’t even remotely funny. 

Another disturbing aspect of the Guardians 2 was the way it seemed to romanticise and excuse abusive relationships. Obviously there’s Drax and Mantis, but the biggest example is Star Lord and Yondu. The first movie did a reasonably good job establishing what drew Star Lord and Gamora together. They were both trying to escape from abusive father figures. The second film does a complete U-turn, calling Yondu Star Lord’s ‘David Hasselhoff’ and giving him a gratuitous and overly sentimental funeral as though he were a noble hero. While I’m sure the death of Yondu would emotionally impact Star Lord to a certain extent (he did raise the kid after all), to say that he’s like ‘David Hasselhoff’ because he’s a better dad than Ego the Living Planet was seems like a very low bar to clear. By that logic, Hitler was a good person because he didn’t kill as many people as Stalin did. It’s tone deaf, lacking in nuance and just a little bit insulting.

Bearing all this in mind, has James Gunn grown and matured since the period between 2008 and 2012? That’s for you to judge. I’d personally argue he hasn’t. Sure he’s no longer as extreme or provocative as he once was, but that’s not necessarily proof that he’s matured. Rather he’s just gotten better at hiding his immaturity. And in my own subjective opinion, based on his work, I think Disney made the right decision in sacking him. Now let me be clear, I don’t think Disney sacked him in order to take a moral stand as a lot of the problematic elements in the Guardians films have carried over into other MCU films. Gamora is still treated like shit in Avengers: Infinity War, and Thanos, who, like Yondu, was clearly established in the first Guardians movie as an abusive father figure, has been woobified and turned into a kind of sympathetic anti villain who actually cared about his daughter and only killed her because he had no other choice (as opposed to, you know, because he is a maniacal despot who’s a few Oompa Loompas short of a chocolate factory). The reason Gunn was fired was because of bad PR. Disney had dealt with this shit before in 2012 and they weren’t prepared to deal with it again, so they dropped the baggage, as it were. It’s a very common occurrence in Hollywood. Which is what makes the public backlash against this decision so puzzling to me.

I can understand being upset that the director of your favourite franchise has been fired, but can we try to get some perspective here? What happened to Gunn is nothing unique. This kind of thing happens all the time. A filmmaker does something controversial or has been revealed to have done something controversial in the past, the studio sacks them in an attempt to save face and everyone gets on with their lives. The situation with James Gunn is no different. The only reason I can see why people are so passionately against this is because of how these tweets were unearthed in the first place. Because the discoverer of the tweets, Mike Cernovich, is a member of the alt-right, the liberal community seem predisposed to dismiss this out of hand, which I think is incredibly dangerous. Okay, yes, Cernovich is a Nazi and almost certainly didn’t do this out of the goodness of his heart, but even a broken clock is right twice a day. It doesn’t change the fact that the tweets still exist and that they’re still incredibly offensive. And all the things I’ve heard people say in defence of James Gunn sound very similar to things the right would say about the likes of Brett Cavanaugh and Donald Trump. ‘It was x number of years ago.’ ‘It’s not relevant to who he is now.’ ‘He’s changed.’ ‘You can’t judge someone based on their past mistakes.’ I mean... come on guys! Either everyone should be held to the same standard or nobody should be held to standards at all. You can’t just change tact just because the person in question has the same political ideals as you. What are we saying? It’s okay for liberals to hold conservatives accountable for past actions and behaviour, but the right can’t do it to the left because apparently it’s not as funny when they do it? It’s classic ‘them and us’ mentality and it’s got to stop.

So, why am I bringing all this up, you may be asking? This happened over six months ago Quill. Aren’t you a little late to the party? Well a couple of days ago, it was announced that Warner Bros and DC Films had hired James Gunn to write and direct a sequel to Suicide Squad.

Well... sequel isn’t quite the right word. Apparently it’s more along the lines of a reimagining. Titled ‘The Suicide Squad’, the film is going to follow a whole new cast of characters and effectively start from scratch. No doubt this is part of WB and DC’s attempts to salvage the DC Extended Universe after the critical and financial disaster that was Justice League, as well as a response to people’s criticisms of the previous Suicide Squad film.

Writer/director David Ayer’s version of Suicide Squad was... let’s be charitable and call it problematic. Many people criticised the film for being misogynistic, borderline racist due to the one dimensional characterisation, and particular outrage was directed toward Ayer’s attempts to romanticise the relationship between the Joker and Harley Quinn. So it’s quite ironic that WB and DC are relying on James Gunn - James Gunn?!?! - to fix Suicide Squad when similar criticisms have been made toward the Guardians Of The Galaxy movies. That’s like hiring Harvey Weinstein to investigate sexual harassment claims.

And do you know what the funny thing is? We’ve been in this exact same situation before. In February 2017, news media started to report that WB and DC were eyeing Mel Gibson, the Oscar nominated director of Hawksaw Ridge and professional arsehole, to direct Suicide Squad 2. I even wrote a Scribble on it then. I heavily criticised WB and DC for caring more about snagging an Oscar nominated director to bolster their failing franchise than about holding certain ethical standards of decency within the industry. Oh, sure, Gibson has said many sexist, homophobic and antisemitic comments for years and has never at any point showed any hint of remorse for the amount of offence he’s caused, but he just made a good movie about Spider-Man fighting in World War II, so it all balances out, doesn’t it? We’re good, right? We’re cool. Gibson’s cool now. Yeah?

And now here we are seeing this play out again. James Gunn, a man who has said some incredibly offensive things over the years, is being hired by WB and DC to helm a new Suicide Squad movie and conveniently ignoring all the problematic shit surrounding him because he’s the guy that made those sci-fi films about the talking raccoon. People love those films. Let’s get him on board.

I’m getting so sick to death of actors and filmmakers getting away with shit and avoiding the consequences of their actions. James Gunn and his offensive tweets, Mel Gibson and his shitty behaviour, Kevin Hart and his temper tantrum when he was expected to apologise for being a homophobic prick. And the few times there are consequences for said actions, people of influence within the industry end up undermining it. WB and DC hiring James Gunn so soon after he was sacked by Disney, and Ellen fucking Degeneres ringing the Academy and persuading them to let Kevin Hart host the Oscars. Thankfully, and to his genuine credit, Hart turned it down, but seriously, what the actual fuck Ellen?! You’re LGBT, aren’t you? Why are you giving him a free pass? Do you have short term memory loss like the fish you voice in Finding fucking Nemo? Jesus Christ!

Finally, to people saying that Disney treated James Gunn too harshly for the tweets, may I remind you that when ‘The 50 Superheroes You Most Want To Have Sex With’ resurfaced in 2012, Disney still kept him on! He still got to write and direct two Marvel movies before finally getting the sack. And he was in talks to lead production in all future ‘Cosmic’ Marvel movies going forward before the resurfaced tweets made that impossible. Too harshly? I think he got off extremely lightly, frankly. I think he’s grotesquely lucky he’s still got a job at all. Let alone a job where he continues to direct tentpole blockbusters. For someone who was treated ‘too harshly’, he’s sure done alright for himself, hasn’t he? He’s not Oliver Twist begging movie studios to give him a film, cap in hand, ‘please sir, may I have some more?’ His position hasn’t changed one iota. That’s what we should be pissed off at. Not that he’s being unfairly punished. That he’s not being punished enough roughly seven years after the fact.

So what should we take away from all this? That we need to hold everyone accountable for their past actions and behaviour, regardless of whether they share our political beliefs or whether they were involved in films we actually like, and that the industry needs to do a better job of upholding the consequences of said actions. And regardless of whether you thought Disney were right to sack James Gunn, it cannot be denied that WB and DC handing the keys of another profitable franchise over to him so soon after this controversy is an incredibly irresponsible thing to do.

[robininthelabyrinth]

Request for Proposals (Coldflash)

Fic: Request for Proposals (Ao3 Link) Fandom: Flash, Legends of Tomorrow, Supergirl, DC Comics Pairing: Barry Allen/Leonard Snart, background other pairings

Summary:  In a world where marriage is an extensively negotiated contractual arrangement, getting Leonard Snart hitched is nothing less than a monumental task.

And Mick Rory's the sucker whose job is to find his best friend just the right spouse.

A/N: Born from the desire to write a coldflash fic entirely from Mick's POV.

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There's nothing special about the day Len decides to ruin a year of Mick's life.

Mick's working on their motorcycles, incorporating some of the stuff he picked up from his heat gun into the design to see if it'll work – it probably won’t, but if it does, it’ll be explosive, and Mick is into that. Len is lounging on the couch.

There's always a couch in Mick's workshop regardless of whether they're in a warehouse or a real house or a garage, specifically because if Mick doesn't put out a place for Len to lounge, Len will drape himself over anything that resembles a place to sit - cars (that Mick is working on), engines (that Mick is working on), Mick (hey!) - and Mick has learned it's best to give in to Len’s whims up front.

Being Leonard Snart's partner and best friend is not unlike being the owner of a very large, very ornery cat, Mick reflects. But only if that cat had the brain of Moriarty combined with the excitability of a Chihuahua and the attention span of a goldfish.

And, let him not forget, an unerring homing beacon for trouble.

Len has been rather quiet today, alternating between browsing magazines and daydreaming. Mostly daydreaming.

Mick should've known he was in for trouble - and he had! Len is always trouble, but none more so than when he has time to think about it.

Mick just underestimated how much trouble.

"Mick," Len says, staring at the ceiling.

"Yeah?" Mick asks, only about half of his attention on Len, the rest on the tricky adjustment he's making.

"I wanna get married."

Mick drops the screwdriver.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Marriage.

Marriage!

Marriage isn't something to be entered into lightly. There had been that period back about half a century back that had briefly flirted with no-fault divorces and quickie marriages at licensed chapels and whatnot, but when the government had stepped up to take over the social net, fired up with progressive fury, it had made some concessions to social conservatism and returned marriage to the formality of the past - albeit a formality that was no longer connected to its original religious roots.

Marriage is about binding two individual into a single unit, stronger together than apart - not unlike starting a joint venture by merging the assets of two companies.

It was also about as complicated a process.

Oh, sure, sometimes people went out a-courting, meeting eligible individuals and opting to send a specific marriage invitation open to only a single bidder. But that was a rarity, a little risqué twist for the young and foolhardy. Popular culture associated such ‘choice marriages’ with early failure rates. Most people went with the traditional approach.

In the traditional approach (though tradition may not be the right word, given how recently it adopted its current form), a person looking to get married appoints a nominee - a best man, or woman, whichever - and that person goes out to scout out appropriate prospects, investigating their assets and personality traits and evaluating them to see if they would make an appropriate match. Once they narrow down the list, usually but not always with the input of the would-be marriage prospect, the best man goes out and interviews each one before making a decision as to who the right person would be, again usually with the input of the marriage prospect.

Once the decision is made, the best man approaches the prospect's own best man (a family member is usually a good bet) and they enter negotiations for the marriage contract: a covenant of how to set up a life.

The marriage contract covered everything.

Division and usage of assets. Living arrangements. Expectations of conduct. A list of unacceptable behaviors and the resulting list of consequences, up to and including divorce. Promises made, flaws admitted, full disclosure warranted. The contract all but names the couple's children.

After all, even though society has long since moved past the point where it considered unmarried adults to be akin to children, popular wisdom still maintains that a person about to enter into a marriage can’t be trusted to make their own life choices. Certainly not for the first two years of marriage, which the contract strictly construes; only after those two years had passed could the couple petition for re-negotiation of certain elements.

Popular wisdom also holds that the more well-negotiated a contract, the better the prospects for the marriage. After all, how else to ensure equality and justice in the home than to have it dictated by interested third parties, each representing the best interest of their side?

"I hate you," Mick says fervently, gathering up books on the marriage process, sample contracts, the phone book (tabbed open to marriage auditors and asset investigators), even his own files he'd tentatively gathered on possible individuals for Len - all long out of date. "I hate you."

"I'd do the same for you," Len says, like that matters. Mick is Len's best man, has been for decades, and Mick’s ma didn't raise someone who'd let a friend down in the most important decision of their life. He's not going to half-ass this.

"I'm not planning on getting married," Mick points out.

"You might."

Mick snorts. He'd nearly gone through the process once, long ago - it had been badly thought out, badly negotiated by his then-foster mother in what Mick still isn't sure whether to think of it as a greedy attempt to get a share of his inheritance or an attempt to cure his pyromania through the love of a good woman, and had luckily fallen through at the last moment through a series of coincidences and timely interventions that Mick has always suspected was arranged by Len. There was a reason he'd named Len his best man the second he legally could.

(There's also a reason that foster-mother is in jail without requesting parole - Len pledges vengeance against very few people, but when he does, he does so with a relentlessness typically found in geological epochs.)

"You might," Len repeats stubbornly. "One day. I will crawl out of my grave to perform my best man duties if you need me to - as you know."

"Just don't die," Mick grumbles, flushing a bit. "Again."

It was total coincidence that Len had been spat out of the Oculus right around the time Mick had been considering just accepting the alien queen's offer of marriage if it meant she would take her army and go away. Really. Coincidence.

Totally not Len somehow managing to fight Death and steal out of her realm just because Mick needed him. Mick's pretty sure. Mostly sure. Partially sure.

The fact that the alien queen had retracted her offer (and her army) in sheer terror rather than negotiate a marriage contract with what she believed to be an avatar of Time itself - a very belligerent one who had within minutes of resurrecting himself immediately demanded a full third-party audit of her entire government system as a prerequisite for even considering her offer - was just a bonus. Turns out Time was their planet's most fearsome god; who knew?

(Mick swears he'd heard of these 'Kryptonians' somewhere before, not sure where, but he was so happy to see Len - his Len, not the Legion’s weirdly wrong copy-paste version - back, he hadn't really bothered to tell the Legends the full set of details when they'd finally come to pick him up. He's sure it can't be that important, though, even if the Legends never do believe that he saved the world on his own.)

"Let's focus on your marriage," Mick says, shaking his head a little. "What are you look for? Since you've already got the partner in crime bit down."

Len laughs. He and Mick considered marrying each other once, but they'd never really found a romantic groove that worked for them and in the end it just felt too strange. Partners suited them better.

"I'm not sure, honestly," he says. "Someone I can mesh with, of course, though a bit of conflict to spice things up wouldn't be amiss. Stable enough that I won't have to give up Central - the city's non-negotiable. As is what I do; I ain't giving that up for anyone, so they've definitely got to have a sense of adventure. Sense of humor, of course; I ain't me without my puns. But just, you know. Someone to come home to." He pauses. "Not that I don't come home to you as it is..."

Mick waves a hand dismissively. Of course Len comes home to him, but he doesn't come home to him. He gets it. "Someone to settle down with, you mean."

"Yeah," Len says, and his tone is distinctly wistful. "Someone exciting. Someone who can make settling down exciting."

"Exciting but stable," Mick says dryly. "Adventurous but loves Central. You live to make my life easy, don't you?"

Len grins. "I have faith in you."

Mick grumbles and pretends he doesn't feel warmed by the fact that he knows Len really means it.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Finding someone who will match what Len is looking for is, however, easier said than done.

Mick dives into city records. He needs someone with a spark, someone exciting, someone devoted to the city - someone who will look at Len and seen neither Snart, skilled thief and mastermind, nor Captain Cold, supervillain extraordinaire.

In the end, Mick comes up with a preliminary list.

Mark Mardon, Sam Scudder, Rosa Dillon, Hartley Rathaway, Selina Kyle, Harleen Quinzel, Cisco Ramon, Caitlin Snow, Barry Allen, Iris West, Eddie Thawne, Sara Lance, Ray Palmer, Malcolm Merlyn, John Constantine, Kara Danvers, Mari McCabe, Victor Fries, Richard Greyson, and Diana Prince.

It's not a bad list. He'd eliminated the obvious candidates at once: Jax too young, Stein too old (and married already); Kendra and Carter, taken; Rip Hunter because Len had seen something in the timeline that made him practically froth at the mouth and try to murder him any time they ran into each other; Oliver Queen and Felicity Smoak because they were obviously going to marry each other (though Mick had put an asterisk beside their names - they seemed like good candidates for a proper triad marriage); the other so-called Team Arrow folks for their stance on Len's general means of employment; the vast majority of other supervillains for sheer insanity (Gotham, what the hell is wrong with you); anyone who was a working copper because of Len's bad associations from his dad; the Families because they were the Families; and most other criminals because they were dumb as rocks or sadists like Damien Darkh which, no.

No, Len needed someone who understood the superhero-supervillain aspects of his life, not a civilian - not even a criminal civilian.

Also, Harrison Wells was out on account of Mick not being able to keep track of which version of him was around.

Now it's time to narrow the list.

Fun.

Mick sighs and makes a few calls to some marriage auditors, sets up a few appointments, and goes.

His favorite of the lot ends up being a sharp-looking woman with a brisk, professional manner and an AA coin, who didn't blink twice at the fact that notorious arsonist/supervillain was in the market for a marriage auditor.

"My prices are non-negotiable," she says firmly. "You're on the hook for all investigation costs plus expenses, as well as my fee. There's an extra charge if any of the relevant individuals are hostile - just assume that you'll be paying it, given this list of names - but I can guarantee discretion as to your client, though I can't guarantee they won't find out someone has earmarked them for a marriage audit."

"Good," Mick says. He likes realistic people; the first few auditors had made outlandish claims of perfect privacy. "Given the names, you got any issues with conflicts of interest?"

D.L. Spears - Mick is probably one of the few people who can identify her on sight as the former Dinah Laurel Lance - studies him thoughtfully over her sharp-cut and totally unnecessary glasses.

"No," she says after a moment of contemplation. "I don't think that will be a problem."

"Feel free to add it to the fee," Mick suggests.

She smiles. "I'm not going to blow my cover after working this hard on it," she says. "Don't worry."

Mick shrugs. He's not worried. Though, now that he thinks about it -

"I'm not on the market," she informs him.

He closes his mouth and shrugs. It'd been worth a shot.

"I'll get you the files in two weeks."

Spears is as good as her word. The pile of paper that fills Mick's desk is considerable, thorough, and unflinching in its analysis of the potential marriage target's assets.

"Do you want me to help?" Len asks, studying the pile of paper.

"For your own marriage? Don't be absurd."

"Maybe Lisa...?"

"She's earned her vacation good and proper. Don't worry, Spears printed it on dyslexic-friendly paper in a good font - I'll be fine. Besides, it ain't like you're in a rush."

"True," Len concedes.

"Now shoo. Go have your playdate with the Flash."

"It's not a playdate..."

"Go!"

Len, grumbling, goes. But there's a spring in his step, even more than usual for him going to go play with the Flash, which means he's actually pleased by Mick's progress with the marriage hunt. Good. Mick would pull out of this messy business at the first sign of doubt or unwillingness, but no, it seems Len is quite serious about it.

There are a few off the list that he's able to narrow down fairly quickly. Malcolm Merlyn, for one, who Mick included on the list entirely on the basis of the few positive interactions he'd seen him have with the brainwashed past version of Len and a shared affinity for terrible humor while supervillaining, displays the widower's mark. Not all widowers put up that mark, which signified their disinterest in ever marrying again, but he had.

Probably for the best, really. Mick didn't much like the idea of living with that asshole.

Victor Fries is out for the same reason (widower’s mark, not assholery), which is too bad. Mick had been daydreaming about presenting that file to Len just to see his face – Mick could totally pitch it as the two of them being compatible on the “ice-related pun” spectrum. Hell, he might do that anyway, though Fries was clearly not going to be on the real final list.

Diana Prince's file just has a post-it note that says “IN HIS DREAMS” on it, underlined twice. Which, fair. Very fair.

Sam Scudder - "chronically unfaithful self-absorbed narcissist", good call Spears - is also off the list. Spears had noted down Lisa in the 'former lovers' pile, too, which Mick figured was an automatic no.

Rosa Dillon is out for the same reason. Lisa really needs to stop dating all the eligible supervillains.

Or maybe it was Lisa's exes that tended to become supervillains...?

Mick hesitates over Cisco Ramon. Joint love for puns, tech, intelligence - does he count as Lisa's ex? After a few moments of consideration, Mick leaves him on the list. A few kisses doesn't an ex-lover make.

Spears has helpfully highlighted how the resurrected Eddie Thawne and Iris West appeared to be considering an informal announcement to start one-on-one negotiations for their own marriage, but noted that that didn't preclude the possibility of a triad marriage. Mick crosses them off anyway - Eddie might not be an active cop at the moment, but he'd bet money he'd go back to it after the requisite time to recover from trauma.

John Constantine's file is taped shut, stapled, and glued for good measure. A pack of matches is attached via paperclip in case Mick wants to burn the file pre-emptively. Mick takes the hint.

He also, reluctantly, removes Dick Grayson from the list. Spears is right - his questionable willingness to leave Gotham aside, that is not an acceptable set of in-laws.

Harley - delightful as she is as a drinking buddy - is off the list in part due to that awful ex of hers. Also, Mick knew she was secretly dating Ivy; nice to finally have it confirmed.

Mari McCabe is noted down as being unwilling to leave Detroit, which knocks her off the list, too.

That leaves Mark Mardon, Hartley Rathaway, Selina Kyle, Cisco Ramon, Caitlin Snow, Barry Allen, Sara Lance, Ray Palmer, and Kara Danvers.

Well, tentatively Danvers. Spears asked for an extra week for that file, glaring and muttering something about an additional fee for alternate universes.

Mick paid her first outrageous bill without question; she has no room to whine.

Time to start eliminating names. He won’t be able to move on to interviews until he knocked it down to five at most.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Want help digging through those?" a female voice drawls from the door.

"I thought I told Len not to call you," Mick replies, twisting to frown at Lisa. "I'm fine doing this on my own."

"Oh, don't worry," she purrs. "I am totally ditching you the second we have to go into actual negotiations - I don't want to know anything about my brother's sex life, thanks! - but at least for the initial selection, I figured I'd show an interest."

"Len's dying of curiosity and sent you in his place so he can pretend to respect tradition," Mick translates.

"Got it in one." She drops down into the couch. "So, talk me through them. Any order."

"Candidate 1: Mark Mardon."

"Fellow supervillain, already rescued Len from prison once, probably can be counted on to do it again," Lisa says, nodding.

"He had a younger brother, so they can bond over that."

"Ugh, that'll just make Len even more unbearable. But sure. How do his assets look?"

Mick made a face.

"That bad?"

"He's not actually a very good thief."

"Len could help with that," Lisa points out.

"True," Mick concedes. "So he stays on the list."

"For now," Lisa says. "He does seem to have a bit of a - heh - tempestuous temper."

"Might kill Len if Len persists with weather-related puns," Mick recites aloud drolly as he jots down a note saying much the same.

"He might have a sense of humor!"

"Every man's got a limit - except your brother."

Lisa sniggers. "Who's next?"

"Hartley Rathaway."

"Bit young, isn't he?"

"Mid-twenties, so not young enough to be a bother," Mick says. "He's definitely gay, which is a point in his favor - I don't know about some of the others."

"Pros?"

"Tech guy - made his own, might be able to improve Len's. Supervillain. Has experience with disability issues. Pretty."

"You think everyone's pretty, Mick."

Mick shrugs. It's true.

"Cons?"

"His supervillain career this far consists of wrecking a single building. Might not be a supervillain now that he's on better terms with his millionaire parents - who we've stolen a shit ton of money from."

"They take that so personally," Lisa agrees.

"Also, my auditor says he's an annoying twit with daddy issues."

Lisa gives a surprised bark of laughter. "I like your auditor already. Leave him on the list?"

"Hm. Not sure. Not sure they'd mesh for a marriage."

"Why not?"

"He's born rich," Mick says. "Central City rich. Len..."

"As Central City poor as you get, and not even slightly fond of Cinderella stories. They'd culture clash."

"Being rich isn't a bad thing," Mick clarifies. "But an annoying shit that used to be rich? Could rub Len the wrong way and fast."

"Fair enough," Lisa agrees. "Besides, I heard he slept with Harrison Wells when they were working together."

Mick made a face. "Oh," he says. "That type of daddy issue."

"Not for Len."

"Definitely not. Next up, Selina Kyle."

"Gotham cat-burglar? I like her."

"Len does, too. Smart, sexy, likes stealing things..."

"Willing to leave Gotham?"

"Does it pretty regularly, I think."

"Bet she's got some pretty fine assets, too," Lisa says with a smirk.

"I already said she's sexy."

"And she's not taken?"

"Single at the moment, according to her file."

"Sounds pretty good," Lisa says. "Keep her on the list."

Mick marks her down.

"Who's next?" Lisa asks.

"Cisco Ramon."

"Hey! He's mine!"

"You only kissed him once or twice," Mick points out.

Lisa scowls at him. "I'm a little sister," she points out. "The rule of 'I licked it first means it's mine' has been applicable since I was five."

"Fine, fine. Just thought, y'know, with the naming thing. And the tech. And the bad jokes..."

Lisa sighs. "You're not wrong; they would get along. But remember, Lenny threatened his brother."

"You got over that with him," Mick points out.

"I didn't do the threatening, exactly..."

Mick rolls his eyes. "I'm taking him off the list, Lise. Just for you."

"You do that."

"What about his buddy, Caitlin Snow?"

Lisa hums thoughtfully. "Also hot," she says. "Hasn't she recently developed ice powers? Might lead to some competition."

"Competition is good," Mick says.

"True. No other objections on my end; let's look at her file."

The file is extensive. "Bad relationship with her mom," Lisa observes. "Maybe they could bond over shitty parents?"

"Is she really going around referring to herself in the third person?" Mick asks, somewhat dubious.

"Like Lenny hasn't done the same."

"True."

"Though I'm not sure that incipient dissociative identity disorder is necessarily what would be good for Lenny, though. He's got his own issues to work through."

"He has experience with people that have severe mental health issues," Mick points out. He is, after all, exhibit A.

"Okay, fine. She can stay on the - oh. Oh, no. Definitely not."

"What?"

"Look at the list of exes. What do they all have in common?"

Mick looks at it. "...a shockingly bad taste in men?" he hazards.

"They're all dead, Mick! Everyone she's so much as gone on a single date with! She's a black widow!"

"I'm sure it's coincidence. And I don't know if putting that Jay/Zoom guy on the list is really fair..."

"Black! Widow!"

"Len's been dead already; maybe he's immune."

"I'm not risking my big brother a second time."

Mick shrugs and crosses off Caitlin Snow's name. "If we're short on candidates, we can go back," he says.

Lisa nods, but he can tell from the way her arms are crossed in front of her that it'll be an uphill battle.

"Okay, next. Barry Allen."

"Intriguing suggestion."

"Especially since he’s definitely not the Flash."

"Oh, definitely not. We would never say that. It would be absurd."

"Totally absurd," Mick agrees. "You gotta admit that Len does like playing games with the Flash more than he likes just about anything else, though. Which isn't relevant because we're definitely not talking about the Flash."

“Very true. Could add a bit of spice to the relationship – if, of course, we were talking about the Flash. Which we’re not.”

“Nope. Just a regular old CSI with absolutely no hobbies whatsoever.”

"Exactly. Good assets," Lisa notes. "Got that inheritance from evil Wells, who was also definitely not involved in any way with the Flash."

"Not much luck with the girlfriends in recent years, but they ain't dead like Snow’s."

"Point in his favor. Girlfriends, you say? Any recent boyfriends?"

"No, but the report lists him as bi."

"Good. Dead parents, some experience with the jail thing with his dad..."

"He can stay on the list with Mardon," Mick decides.

Lisa nods. "Next?"

"Sara Lance."

"Lenny liked her," Lisa observes. "Not sure she's ready to settle down in Central, though."

"She might be," Mick points out.

They sift through the file. "Barely any assets," Mick notes. "Though I like that 'Captain of the Waverider' is listed in both the pro and con pile..."

"I'm concerned about the infidelity angle," Lisa says, frowning at the list of exes. "Who the hell sleeps with their sister's fiancé?"

Mick looks at her.

"Lenny and that bitch weren't engaged," Lisa says primly. "And certainly not with an automatic invalidation clause for infidelity."

"Just saying..."

"Someone needed to show him what a bitch she was, and you weren't willing to go the extra mile."

No, Mick hadn't been. Fair enough.

"She was a different person back then," he says, going back to Sara. "No League training, nothing. She's grown up."

"I don't know; didn't she sleep with him again when she got back?"

"Don't think he was affianced to her sister anymore by then."

"Still. Doesn't speak too highly of her character."

"She's not that bad."

Lisa arches an eyebrow.

"She ain't!"

"Her own sister put these files together," Lisa says. "And has recommended against. I say we listen."

Mick grumbles. "They kissed once," he protests. “S’more than can be said for some of these others.”

"Mick, read the post-it: not ready to settle down."

"Fine. No Sara. You know he'd want her on the list, though."

"Pity for him he went the traditional route and is letting us make the choices," Lisa says crisply. "Who's next?"

"Ray Palmer."

"Does Lenny even like him?"

"Haircut ain't that bad. Good assets, good tech work...hero complex..."

"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"

"Not sure, given who we're talking about."

"True."

They comb through his files.

"Unlucky in love," Lisa observes. "But he seems to be really committed to each one - and they're not all dead."

"He wants to settle down," Mick agrees. “That’s good.”

"Morally flexible enough to work with you and Len."

"Stays on the list?"

"Yeah, no serious objections."

"Okay. Last one on the current list - Kara Danvers. We're still waiting on her file."

"No Diana Prince?" Lisa asks, smirking.

Mick hands her the file with the "in his dreams" post-it.

Lisa laughs.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

"So, we're talking Mark Mardon, Selina Kyle, Barry Allen, Ray Palmer, and Kara Danvers," Spears says. "That's a good list of five."

"I thought so," Mick says. "Wouldn't mind your professional opinion."

"Some are more likely candidates than others," Spears says thoughtfully. "But I'd definitely feel comfortable progressing with all of these." She pauses. “Well, assuming you’re comfortable with the whole alien thing with Danvers.”

Mick shrugs. “Laser eyes and frost breath.”

“No, I get you, she’d stay on my list, too,” Spears agrees. “Ugh, I've never been so bi. You see the pictures?”

“I did. Skirt is kick-ass.”

“No kidding. The way she caught that derailing train…”

“Oh yeah.”

“You don’t think the cross-universe thing will be an issue?”

“Nah; Cisco made up something that enables jumping. They could split time between the two.”

“Fair enough. In that case, I’ll start a deeper dive on this set, see if there’s anything I missed and get you ready for interviews. Good luck.”

Mick makes a face, which makes Spears laugh.

"Oh, good," Mick grouses theatrically. "Interviews. And I'm such a people person."

"Try going in reverse order," Spears suggests. "Or alphabetical. Makes it less tortuous."

He ends up going in reverse alphabetical.

It's Len's suggestion.

"That way you can knock Palmer off early if he's uninterested," he says, looking excessively pleased by the thought.

"If you don't want to consider him..."

"No, no. You're right. Definitely more ready to settle down than Sara. And he's not unsalvageable."

Mick gives Len a look.

"Include mandatory classes on classism in the contract," Len suggests.

Mick is incredibly happy that he took Rathaway off the list.

Though Len's face when he'd "discovered" Fries and Snow's files in his last attempt at snooping had been little short of hilarious...

Mick hails the Waverider.

"I need to talk to Haircut," he growls into the comm device.

"Uh, okay. Sure. We're coming by 2017 anyway," Sara's voice buzzes back.

Mick shows up at the landing point and grabs Ray at the first moment he can.

"What's the rush?" Sara laughs. "Something broke?"

"Yeah," Mick replies promptly. "Gideon's detection of STDs. You might want to get that rash looked at, you know."

She grins and fist-bumps him for that one. They'd settled in a pleasantly bitchy form of interaction once Mick was no longer working for her. It worked for them a lot better than anything else had.

Mick takes Ray to a bar.

"This is unusually nice," Ray observes. "More homey than dive-y."

Mick hadn't noticed. He'd mostly cared about having a booth with some privacy.

"Sit," he orders.

Ray sits.

Mick orders them two beers and then studies Ray.

He's not sure it'll pan out in the end, a marriage between him and Len, but Ray's not a bad sort. He tries, if sometimes badly. He's enthusiastic. He's pretty. He wants to settle down with someone.

It could work.

Maybe after a few classes on privilege and classism, yes, but it could work.

"Uh, Mick?" Ray says cautiously. "What's up?"

"I need to talk to you about marriage," Mick says, figuring it's best to go straight into it. Subtlety is pointless in opening pitches.

"Oh? Oh! Uh. Um. Not that I'm not complimented, Mick, but you and me aren't really - I mean, I never thought - I mean -"

"Not me," Mick groans.

How had he forgotten? High intelligence, low wisdom, like Len liked to say. For such a genius, Ray could be incredibly dumb.

Ray looks relieved. "Oh, well," he says. "Not that you wouldn't be great for someone - oh! Is that what this is? Did you meet someone?" Ray's grin widens. "You and Snart finally tying the knot?"

"You're really into the choose-it-yourself method, aren't you?" Mick observes instead of answering that question with all the ‘it’s been thirty years and you think we’re just figuring out our relationship now’ scorn it deserves.

"Well, yes," Ray says. "I think the traditional marriage contract system is outdated and, frankly, a little excessively invasive, you know? All those rules and investigations, it sucks the whole mystery right out of it."

"There's not supposed to be mystery," Mick says. "It's a marriage! It's the person you shack up with for good, merging assets and shit, not an episode of Criminal Minds."

"I'm telling you, there's no romance in it," Ray says, shaking his head. "No discovery, nothing. And the process is - ugh! Can you even imagine having someone just decide several years of your life like that?"

Mick stares at him, willing him to remember Mick's stint as Kronos, bounty hunter and slave to the Time Masters.

Ray blinks at him, utterly oblivious.

"Sooo," he says after a few moments of silence. "I'm guessing you didn't bring me here to debate, though. What's up?"

Mick studies him for a few more minutes.

High intelligence, low wisdom.

Hero complex, possibly a martyrdom complex.

Still called Len 'Snart' after all this time.

Bad at identifying human relationships, like where Mick and Len were with theirs.

Incredibly bad at recognizing boundaries.

Actually, now that he thinks about it, Mick distinctly remembers how Ray thought dressing up like Snart – when he was dead – and yammering on about his existential crisis until Mick had felt obligated to give him a pep talk was a good idea. He'd done too good a job of forgetting about that little incident when he was making the list.

Thinks that finding ‘true love’ by sheer magic was a better approach to marriage than the good old-fashioned contracting system.

Yeah, no.

"...one of my old buddies is getting married," he says, calling the game over before it's even started. "I need help thinking of present ideas."

Ray brightens. "I can help with that - heck, I can probably build something really interesting for them! What are you thinking?"

Mick shakes his head a little and suggests a few things.

The evening's a bust, but at least he gets Ray to pay for the drinks and he's pretty sure Ray actually will make him those 'presents', so at least Ray won't come to Len's wedding empty-handed.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Next on the list: Mark Mardon.

Finding him is a trick and a half; Mick ends up recruiting Spears, who uses weather patterns to track him down.

It costs an arm and a leg; she apparently charges extra for felonies involving breaking into the National Weather Service.

So maybe Mick's a bit grumpy when he ends up in the tail end of nowhere, shooting flames into a thundercloud.

"Seriously?" he shouts. "I come in peace, asshole!"

The thundercloud subsides. Mardon squints at him from what had been its center. "You do?"

"Yeah," Mick says. "What the hell?"

"Thought Snart decided to cut me out," Mardon says cautiously. "After that job at Christmas went south..."

"I'm not Snart," Mick grumbles. "And no. He ain't the vengeful type."

"Huh. He need me for a job?"

Eager. He was probably short on cash.

"No," Mick says. "You got time to talk?"

"Talk?" Mardon sneers. "You gone soft and touchy-feely, Rory? Heard you were associating with heroes..."

Mick sighs. Tempestuous doesn't even begin to describe Mardon. But Snart can cool down just about anyone...

"I want to talk marriage," Mick says. "You got a best man I need to clear first, or can we get to the talking?"

Mardon blinks. "Uh," he says. "Marriage?"

"Yeah. You turn into an echo machine?"

"No. And, uh, no best man to clear; I'm available. Who are you on behalf of?"

Mick stares at him mutely.

"Lisa Snart?" Mardon asks hopefully. "Shawna? What about, what's her name -"

"Are you straight?" Mick asks flatly. The file hadn't been able to answer that, since Mardon was off the grid most of the time and the rest of the time he was of the 'drunk hitting on anything moving' variety.

"Uh, yeah. Mostly. Why?"

Mick sighs. He’d hoped for better than 'mostly straight'.

Of course, Len's always been pretty enough to turn heads regardless of orientation...

"Who'd you originally think I was here for?" he asks instead.

Mardon frowns at him.

Mick arches his eyebrows right back at him.

Enlightenment hits. "Wait. Snart?"

"That's the one. Not his sister."

Mardon considers the issue for a few minutes. "Okay, sure," he finally says. "Might be worth it. Come inside."

Mardon's living in an old abandoned shack that maybe called itself a farm, and even Mick - who doesn't have the highest requirements for cleanliness - is annoyed by the mess.

Guess having stuff all over the floor matters less if you can float.

Mick settles down in a chair and pulls out his list of questions.

It doesn't take too long to figure out that Mardon is, in fact, even more straight than the 'mostly' straight he'd disclosed and is primarily interested in Len as a prospective criminal partner.

This wouldn’t be a deal breaker, except that Len already has one.

"But wouldn't I take precedence after we were married?" Mardon asks, scrunching his nose up after Mick points that out.

"Me and Len’ve been partners for nearly thirty years," Mick says, trying without much success to keep his voice even. No strangling the marriage prospects, Mick; it's bad form. "Him getting married ain't gonna change that."

"But -"

"Yes, I'd still be going on jobs with him. Yes, he'd still be splitting the take with me. You would be invited when appropriate, same as always - probably more often, sure, but this is a marriage contract."

Mardon crosses his arms. "Exactly," he says triumphantly. "I can work it into the contract."

Mick rolls his eyes. "The contract I'm negotiating, you mean?"

"Yeah! Oh, and about that - I wanna be the guy."

Mick pauses. He'd been about to point out the futility of assuming that Mick would ever willingly write himself out of Len's life - or of Len ever putting his name to such a contract - but that last bit threw him.

"You're...both...guys?" he says cautiously. "Least, your file didn't say anything about being designated different at birth."

Now it's Mardon's turn to roll his eyes. "The guy in the marriage," he clarifies. "You know." He makes an incomprehensible gesture.

"I'm pretty sure Len's a switch," Mick says dubiously. "I mean, he's probably got no problem with letting you top once in a while, but I don't think he'd be interested in locking in anything - anyway, we're just interviewing. Way too early to talk about sex."

"It's important to get it straight up front," Mardon says, and blissfully appears utterly oblivious to the horrific pun he just made. Mick wishes he could be so lucky. "Not the sex stuff, though that’s important too. More, like, I want to be the 'care for' guy, not the one who does the 'love and obey' stuff."

Mick's eyebrows shoot up. "That's a pretty damn old-fashioned marriage formulation." It'd mostly gone out of fashion around the time of feminism, though there were still some religious groups that pushed it.

"It's the right one."

Mick opens his mouth to try and explain that the likelihood of Leonard Snart ever honoring an "obey" provision in a contract, but gives it up as hopeless. "I'll mention it to him," he says. "That's about all I've got for questions, actually."

"Really? You've got a much longer list."

"Filler to make it look more impressive," Mick lies.

Mardon nods. "Fair enough. Let me know what he says, yeah?"

"Sure," Mick says agreeably.

Pursuant to his word, he turns his phone on 'record' before handing Len a summary of Mardon's "offer".

Len's howls of disdainful laughter are always worth keeping a record of, even if Len does eventually convince Mick not to mail them over and send a standard "thanks but incompatible" letter instead.

"We might - heh - want him for a job - hehe - in the future," Len says, still sniggering every few words. "Really, though? Love and obey? Ye old submissive wifey bullshit?"

"Yep."

"Seriously? Me?"

"Some people still go in for that. He may've just been trying to negotiate leverage on the criminal partner point, though."

"In which case I'm still better off without," Len says firmly. "Such terrible negotiating skills - and at the interview phase, no less! - I can do without being bound to in matrimony. Least he could’ve done is wait to try the gambit at the contract stage."

Mick nods, agreeing.

"So,” Len drawls. Despite two failures, his eyes are bright with interest. After all, if this search fails, Mick just needs to go back to the drawing board. “Who's next on the list?"

"Kyle."

"Selina?” Len says approvingly. “I like her."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Selina Kyle, unfortunately, means Gotham.

Gotham is a monstrosity of stone and steel, an entire city that thinks that corporate development ought to be modeled on Gothic and neo-Gothic styles (get it? Gotham, Gothic?...Mick's stopping now. It's all Len's fault) and a fetish for warehouses and a seemingly endless supply of abandoned buildings.

Mick has always rather liked Gotham as a city. Len, too. They have great pizza and their halal carts are unquestionably the best in the country.

The only real problem with Gotham, of course, is its infestation of Bats.

Well, also there’s the army of bizarrely costumed psychopaths and a criminal justice system that makes Iron Heights look friendly.

But mostly Bats.

"I didn't even bring my heat gun," Mick grumbles, putting his hands up against the wall so the Bat of the Week can search him while his companion keeps watch. He doesn't know which one is which - small flying rodent or small flying bird? - because he doesn't keep track of their ever-shifting costumes and nicknames.

Arkham supposedly has a bulletin board up in the inmates lounge to help the inmates with memory issues keep up. Mick's never been as anything more than a visitor, a trend he's very interested in continuing.

"You come here straight from Central and start heading to Arkham," the Bat says. "It's suspicious."

"I'm looking for someone," Mick says. "Figured I'd ask around for them somewhere that might know. It ain't a crime!"

"With you guys, it's usually the precursor to one," the smaller figure - a Robin of some variety - says. "Where's your chillier half?"

"Back in Central," Mick replies. "There's a Combines game on and the nut thinks they have a chance this year."

"Actually, if you look at the statistics -" the Robin starts.

The Bat pointedly clears his throat.

The Robin stops, looking abashed.

Mick squints at him. "You Bats or Nightwing?" he asks.

The Bat arches his eyebrows. "Why?"

"I’ve always heard that Nightwing’s ass is worth the tourist trip," Mick says honestly. "Figured if I'm here already, I ought to see the highlights, y'know?"

The Robin falls off his perch sniggering. The Bat buries his head in his hands.

Definitely Nightwing.

"Batman is patrolling a different part of the city tonight," Nightwing says, though he sounds amused. "Why are you here, really?"

"Marriage contract."

That gets them - at last - to step away, letting Mick put down his arms and rub at them.

"Really?" the Robin says, sounding somewhere between pleasurably scandalized and actually horrified. "A real marriage contract?"

"Just at the interview stage," Mick assures them.

"Who's getting married?" Nightwing asks.

"Cold."

"Really?!"

"Hell, you were on my initial list," Mick tells him. "He likes heroes."

“What, really?” Nightwing says, sounding horrified himself.

"And all without seeing your ass, too," the Robin says gleefully. “What kicked him off the list?”

“The in-laws.”

That gets both of them cackling like there’s no tomorrow.

“I like that,” Nightwing says, wiping his eyes. “Oh, that’s good, that’s good. Yes. Good. Wait, you were headed to Arkham? Don’t tell me one of them’s on your list!”

“Nah. I told you, I just need to find somebody, and Arkham’s gossip network is second to none.”

“That’s depressing,” the Robin murmurs. “And yet – true.”

“Who’re you looking for, then?”

“Kyle.”

They blink owlishly at him. “Selina Kyle?” Nightwing hazards.

“That’s the one,” Mick confirms. “Catwoman.”

“Well, they are both thieves,” Nightwing says dubiously.

“Very good thieves,” the Robin corrects. “As far as pure theft-based supervillains, they’re in a class more or less by themselves – no offense meant, Heatwave –”

Mick waves a forgiving hand. He usually classifies himself more as an arsonist than a thief, anyway.

“Plus,” the Robin continues, look of growing dismay, “they’re both mixed-race, come from lower-class families, work occasionally with heroes…does Cold like cats?”

“Yeah, we have a few strays that we feed on a pretty regular basis near our safehouse,” Mick replies. He does most of the feeding, true, but Len likes to pet them; surely that’s close enough.

“That…might work,” Nightwing says. He also sounds dismayed. “That might actually work really well.”

Mick looks between the two of them suspiciously. They’re a bit too upset about this. Unless…

“Aw, crap,” he says. “Tell me she ain’t knocking boots with Bat Prime.”

“What? Uh. No!” Nightwing says. "Definitely not. Why would you think that? That's ridiculous."

“Wow,” the Robin says. “That was absolutely awful. Worst lying I've ever seen. How does everyone not know who you are already?”

“You said it, kid,” Mick says, holding his hand up for a fist-bump, which the Robin automatically does, then looks appalled by his own hand's betrayal. “But seriously. They’re shacked up? Why didn’t that come up on the marriage audit?”

“You ran a marriage audit on Catwoman?” the Robin says, sounding impressed. "Can I have the number of your auditor?"

“I mean, they’re not currently together,” Nightwing admits. “But, you know, off and on…”

They both look hopefully at him.

Mick considers the issue. “No,” he says finally. “Sorry. She’s too good a prospect. I’m still going ahead with the interview.”

“But she’s the only one who makes him tolerable,” Nightwing whines.

“Not my problem,” Mick says, just a little maliciously. “I live in Central, and she ain’t married to Gotham the way Snart is to Central.”

“You know she’ll still have to work with the big guy for team-ups,” Nightwing points out. “All that simmering sexual tension, all still there…”

Mick shrugs. “You say that like Snart wouldn’t be up for a threesome.”

They both look appalled.

Mick mentally blesses Len’s pansexuality and also makes a mental note to steal the security tapes covering this roof for posterity.

“So, if you don’t mind, since I’m actually not breaking any laws right now…”

They let him go rather quickly, scurrying off in their own directions.

Mick suspects they’re off to interfere by telling Bat Prime he's about to lose the best thing he's got.

Fine, whatever. It’s an open field.

He swings by Arkham – “Mick, baby, don’t tell me you’re going off-market; tell me it’s really Snart,” Harl purrs at him, which how does the gossip go so fast, really, aren't they supposed to be locked up? – and gets a tip-off on where to find the Catwoman.

“I assume you’ve already heard what I’m here for,” he tells her when he finds her. “Judging by how fast gossip in this city moves.”

Selina blinks. “No,” she says. “It may have missed me.”

“Really?” Mick asks. “Okay. I’m here to interview you regarding a marriage contract, provided you’re amendable.”

“For whom?”

“Leonard Snart, Captain Cold. Central City.”

She considers it for a moment. “Yes,” she says. “I’m amendable. Perhaps after I’ve finished robbing this jewelry store?”

Mick shrugs. “Knock yourself out.”

She pauses for an additional second. “Would you like to join in?”

Aw, that’s nice. She’s polite, too. “Nah, your heist.”

“Please, take a bracelet at least, I insist.”

Mick pockets a nice gold one with rubies and nods a thank-you. Len will probably want to give it to the Flash to confuse him.

A short sprint from the cops later, they settle down at a nice café to talk.

“So,” Selina purrs.

“I’m friends with Harl and just came from Arkham,” Mick reminds her. “I’ve already hit my purring quota for the day.”

Selina snorts much more inelegantly. “Okay, I’ll give you that. So, Snart, huh?”

“Yeah,” Mick says. “Excellent thief, sometimes villain-sometimes hero, smart, snarky. Even a pair of small winged creatures agreed that you’d make a good match.”

“They did, did they?” Selina grins.

“They object,” Mick tells her, because marriage contract negotiations are so full of landmines anyway it’s not worth being anything less than fully up front. “You’re apparently the only thing that makes Bat Prime tolerable.”

Selina hums. “Well,” she says, playing with a lovely diamond necklace that she’s draped across her fingers. “That’s his problem, isn’t it?”

Mick grins.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

“So, Selina’s still on the list,” Mick informs Len.

“Really?” Len drawls, making grabby-hands at Mick’s notes.

“Oh, yeah. High class lady, excellent thief, flexible morality, experience with individuals with mental illness, polite, pretty –”

“You think everybody is pretty.”

“- and willing to consider relocating to Central.”

“Not bad,” Len says, looking pleased. "Who's next?"

"Kara Danvers."

Len frowns, his normally eidetic memory searching and coming up empty. "Do I know her?"

"Told you about her. Supergirl."

"Flame-eyes, frost-breath, flying, alien ray of sunshine?"

"That's the one."

Len considers. "Well," he says after a moment. "I won't say I'm not intrigued..."

Mick crosses his arms. "I thought I was running this process."

Len holds up his hands. "I defer, I defer! You know what I like, and this Miss Danvers does sound right up my alley. I like strong women." He pauses. "I don't suppose you considered -"

"Diana Prince is labeled 'in your dreams'."

Len considers this for a moment. "Yeah," he says. "Fair enough."

Mick permits Len to interfere to the extent of lifting Cisco's universe-hopper, but then bans him. Len goes to sulk.

Not too much, though. The Combines are actually winning, much to their own and everybody else's shock.

(Captain Cold and the Flash's most recent team-up involved intimidating the living daylights out of some aggressive Penguins fans who had been casting aspirations on their fair city. Mick, who personally did not get hockey but did get fighting, took a particular pleasure in revving up the crowd in their favor. The newspaper covers had been epic. And vicious. It's been a good long while since the Central City Combines were in shooting distance of the Cup.)

Meanwhile, Mick goes to an alternate universe.

The trip is -

Well, it's not as bad as time-jumping for a newbie, but it's pretty disorienting.

Jumping straight into a government facility seems like a bad idea, but apparently the employees are used to it and just tell him that Kara will be back after she defeats some giant metal robot.

Team Supergirl march in, looking pretty pleased with themselves. "Mick!" Kara says, already floating a few inches off the ground and bouncing upwards in a moment of delight.

"Heya, Skirt. You never called; I'm hurt."

"Go to STAR Labs more often," she shoots back, grinning. "Maybe they'll give you your calls."

Mick snorts. Kara laughs. Most of her buddies grin, though one of them is scowling (or pouting?) at the easy way Mick wraps an arm around her shoulder.

"But seriously," she continues, still smiling. "What's up in Earth-1? Barry need help."

"Nah. I'm here on personal business."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. You got a duly nominated rep for marriage talks, or do you handle yourself?"

Kara blinks at him.

"I'm not sure how old you are," Mick says defensively. "You could have a rep."

"A representative - " she started.

"For marriage talks?" one of Team Supergirl yowls.

"Yeah," Mick says. Okay, okay, Danvers doesn’t actually look under 18; if she had been, he wouldn’t have selected her. It was supposed to be a joke.

"Are you proposing to her?" one of the others demands. He's pretty, albeit in a bland sort of way.

"What? No. Marriage talks. You know. Contract stuff."

Everyone's expressions fade into confusion.

Mick's slow, yes, but he also watches (involuntarily!) a fair amount of sci-fi. "Hey, wait," he says, frowning. "Do you even have marriage in this universe?"

Kara giggle-snorts. "Yeah," she says, grinning crookedly. "We do. Why don't you tell us what you mean, though? It's probably different."

Turns out Kara's Earth is a wholly self-starter sort of place.

"And no contracting at all?" Mick asks, mildly horrified. "But how do you figure out assets?"

"I mean, sometimes rich couples have prenups..."

"But - living conditions! Behavior expectations! Null clauses! Or - or sex, fuck, how the hell do you guys handle sex? Do you just make it up as you go? That's like the number one null clause leading to divorce in self-starter contracts, incompatible expectations on sex."

Kara's shoulders are shaking. "I don't know," she says, barely able to speak for laughter. "Clearly we're very, uh, behind. Which would probably be a clause in someone’s contract –" She dissolves into giggles again.

"Please ignore my sister," Alex says, failing to suppress her own smile. She's been the most helpful so far, with Winn being a close second. "I really like this best man process you describe, though."

"Yeah, it's supposed to encourage bonds, trusting someone like that. There's no shame in going for a pro, though - not everyone has a family, or their family suck at negotiating, and no one wants to be stuck in a bad contract - shit, what do you guys do about abuse? That's gotta be a null clause, right?"

"Null clause?"

"Nullification," Mick clarifies. "Automatic penalties, usually up to and including the dissolution of the marriage. Y'know -"

"We really don't," said the yet-unnamed pretty-if-bland man, glancing at Kara. He keeps alternating between friendly and personable when the subject is general and kinda bitchy whenever they talk about Kara.

Mick rolls his eyes. "Three instances of abuse means you gotta go to a marriage mediator center, either to split up assets or renegotiate your marriage on stricter terms, with a supervisory period to ensure that no further abuse happens. The mediators are pretty well trained in domestic abuse, since it's basically their job, so they can spot it early and enforce more strictly. There are false reports, of course, but not nearly as common as you might think, given the penalties of misreporting..."

"Wish we had that," the cop (Maggie?) says, nodding her head. "We have a lot of people who refuse to report it, even after it’s obvious."

"And there's no duress in the original marriage process?" Alex checks.

"No, it has to be mutually agreed and approved by the parties involved. I'm my buddy Len's best man, so I set up the interviews and that initial stuff. Then there's the chaperoned courting period, followed by the real contracting." He grins at Kara. "Wanna give it a shot?"

"You know what," she says, lifting her head and smiling. "Sure."

"What?!" pretty boy yelps.

"It'll be really interesting to explore! Besides, it solves our 'over-exposure to Supergirl' problem that Cat was talking about," she points out. "Clark said that the reason we can't take vacations is because we can always hear people who need our help, but if I go spend some time in Earth-1..."

Alex and Winn and some of the others are nodding, but pretty boy looks upset. "But Kara-"

"You're the one who wanted to take a step back and 'reevaluate' our relationship," Kara says, her voice still cheerful but also steely. "I'm reevaluating."

"But - marriage?"

Kara shrugs. "Arranged marriages were more of a thing on Krypton, too," she says wistfully. "Honestly, this system sounds a lot like it. I didn't think I'd ever get the chance - Alex, will you be my best man? Uh, woman?"

"Of course!"

"I didn't mean -" pretty boy starts.

"You meant you wanted some time off to get your head wrapped around your shit and for her to be waiting when you got back," Mick says knowingly. "Doesn't work that way, y'know."

"It wasn't that! After what happened, with my family and all, it was for Kara's sake -"

"I'm pretty sure Kara can decide what her sake means," Mick says. He's pretty sure he dated someone like pretty here, once; Len had resorted to the 'I'm your best friend and you should trust me' card to end the relationship, and after some reflection it had in fact turned out for the best. "So, Skirt, whaddiya say?"

She grins. "Let me pack my things."

----------------------------------------------------------------------

With at least two candidates locked down for the next stage, Mick’s feeling pretty confident going into the last interview.

He’s pegged his chances of Barry Allen agreeing to the courtship stage at about 50%.

On one hand, Barry was clearly the settling down type. Good assets. Devoted to Central. Clearly attracted to Len.

On the other hand, he's a hero. He might not be interested in giving it a shot - or he might be guilted out of even participating by his friends.

Mick mulls it over for a bit before timing his approach with the sort of skill he likes to think even Len would admire.

He gate-crashes a Barry-and-Iris movies-and-bitching session. Oh, sure, it was supposed to be a West family movie night, but Wally was busy with university and Joe had a date.

Mick had been willing to start a crime surge to distract Joe if necessary, but he got lucky.

He knocks at the door.

"Must be the pizza," he hears Barry say.

The door opens.

"...it's not the pizza," Barry concludes, disappointed.

Mick arches his eyebrows and brandishes the bag filled with pizza boxes that he'd taken off the terrified but well-compensated delivery boy.

"Never mind," Barry says again. "It's the pizza, but with, like, a side of supervillain."

"Can I come in?" Mick asks. "I wanna talk."

Most people would demand an explanation, but Barry just blinks, looks him up and down for a weapon - like Mick would be that dumb - and then steps aside.

"You're very trusting," Mick observes. He's not sure if that's on his pros or cons. On one hand - that's dumb when you have as many enemies as Len. On the other, Barry actually likes Len, probably as a direct result.

"You gonna do something?"

"No."

"Then we're fine."

Mick rolls his eyes. "Heya, newsie," he greets Iris. The nickname never fails to get a grin.

"You need me to go?" she asks.

"Nah," Mick says. "If I'm figuring right, you're gonna be a necessary part of the proceedings."

"Is there a threat?" Barry asks, looking concerned.

Mick shakes his head. "Personal business."

They both blink at him. "Now I'm intrigued," Iris says. "What personal business?"

"Marriage contract."

They both blink again. Iris is the first to smile. "For Leonard?" she asks, having somehow managed to bond with Len when they'd both been locked in a room for their own good during a ghost invasion. "Good for him!"

"Snart's getting married?" Barry asks. He looks perturbed, but not in a bad way. More in a 'but he's my villain and that'll take away from playtime' sort of way.

"Yeah," Mick says. "I'm assuming Iris here's your best man?"

Iris squeaks and claps her hands together.

Barry's a little slower on the update. "Yeah, Iris is my - oooooooh, wait. You're here to interview me?"

There are many things Mick could say. He could point out their compatible points, like with Selina; he could sell the benefits of going through the process itself, like with Kara.

He opts for what he thinks is a more persuasive approach.

"Len likes you," he says.

Barry flushes, but he's smiling. "He does? Really? Enough for marriage?"

"He's only at the request for proposals stage," Iris reminds Barry. "But clearly, you did make Mick's final five - and Leonard has been pestering you more than usual the last few weeks..."

"Won't the superhero thing be an issue?" Barry asks.

Mick mentally cheers. He'd decided to himself that if Barry asked about the 'supervillain thing', it wouldn't work out - it meant Barry was thinking about how he couldn't morally unbend himself enough to marry Len, looking for reasons not to. But if Barry asked about the 'superhero thing', well.

That meant he was worried Len would object to his suit, not why he should object to Len's. Very good.

"Snart thinks a healthy amount of disagreement is good for a marriage," Mick says with perfect honesty. "You're not the only hero on the short list."

"Wait, there are other heroes?" Barry looks adorably infuriated. "Who?"

"On the short list? Ray Palmer, Kara Danvers."

"...not Sara Lance?" Barry asks. "Or Oliver Queen?"

"Blondie ain't ready to settle down," Mick says, and sees Iris nod in agreement. "And Queen - you're kidding, right?"

"It could be!"

"Stop being unreasonably jealous of Oliver," Iris chides Barry. "Oliver's in love with Felicity; he's not going to steal your bad guy."

"I did consider them for a triad marriage," Mick says, enjoying the look of indignation on Barry's face, "but they'd never move to Central, and Snart'll never leave."

"Good," Barry says firmly, nodding.

Iris is smirking.

Mick winks at her, which gets a grin.

The mutual possessiveness of Captain Cold and the Flash is practically a Central City in-joke at this point.

Mick had to fight a gorilla once because of it. He's never talking about that incident ever again.

"So," Mick says. "That mean we can start interviewing?"

"Uh, sure," Barry says. "I've never been interviewed before, so, uh, advance warning if I suck at it."

"What, never?" Mick asks, somewhat surprised. "I mean, sure, you're pretty young for it, but..."

Barry grins crookedly. "Thanks for the vote of confidence. But a weirdo CSI with a supernatural events blog and a dad in prison isn't on most people's shortlist. And it's not like anyone knows about the other bit."

Mick's pretty sure everybody knows about the 'other bit', but sure, whatever.

…he’s going to have to look up that blog, though. For, uh, reasons.

Mockery reasons.

"Okay," he says. "Sounds weird to me, but let's go on with the interview."

"Are you okay with Leonard picking Barry?" Iris asks.

"I’m the one that made the shortlist," Mick points out.

"But still," Iris persists. Fair enough, Mick supposes; even he’d originally put names on the longer list that he wouldn’t have wanted Len to pick, just because he thought they might be compatible.

"I'm good with it," he confirms. "We worked together well enough during the alien business -" Iris sighs and casts her eyes upwards at the sheer ridiculousness of it all while Barry nods. "- and anyway, the kid's pretty."

"I'm pretty sure you find everybody pretty," Barry says dryly, then brightens. "Hey, see what I did there?"

Mick jumps ahead and checks off 'willing to tolerate terrible puns' off his interviewing checklist, even as Iris groans and swats at Barry.

Then Barry's face falls. "Iris, what about Joe? Do you think he'll..?"

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why Mick picked a time when Iris West was around to make his interview request.

Iris West, who would be officially engaged if not already married to her resurrected fiancé if not for her father dragging his feet for increasingly stupid reasons (including 'but Barry' long after Barry has given Iris his blessing to resume her relationship with Eddie).

Iris' eyes flash and her smile goes a bit steely. "Dad's always wanted you to go through the process," she points out. "And, yeah, he might disapprove at the end, but that's never stopped you from teaming up with Snart before."

"True..."

"So why not give it a shot? Worst case, you can always reject the final suit."

Barry is nodding. Mick moves in to strike while the iron is hot.

"First question," he says. "What are you looking for in a marriage?"

Barry leans forward, smiling. "Well -"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Not bad," Spears says approvingly. "I can definitely focus my deep dive into these three. Certainly easier than explaining why I'm auditing a dead man like Palmer."

"After Thawne the Good came back in quite such a public manner," Mick says dryly, "I don't think too many people will question it."

"You'd be surprised," Spears returns, just as dry. "Rich people that left behind complicated wills tend not to be welcomed quite as cheerfully."

Mick snorts. "So how long will the deep dive take?"

"A month, month and a half," she says. "I know it's not the fastest timing for only three people and I'll aim for doing it quicker, but one of them is from an alternate universe..."

"Say, how are you getting your intel? I didn't give you Cisco's universe-hopper."

"A professional never reveals her secrets."

"Let me guess, you picked that up from the office next door - what’s-her-name - 'Zatanna the Magician'?"

"She's great," Spears says primly.

"I ought to introduce you to Harl," Mick says, pulling out his phone and sending a text to that effect. "There. You'll get along."

"Harl?" Spears says warily. "You don't mean Harley Quinn, do you?"

"You'll love her," Mick assures her. Spears doesn't look really reassured.

"Well, she'll probably be good background research for Kyle, at least..."

"That's the spirit. Now I've got some dates to set up."

"Chaperoned dates," Spears says, grinning wickedly. "Have fun!"

Mick rolls his eyes.

Len is practically buzzing with excitement - and, atypically for him, a touch of nervousness. "I think you've picked really good prospects," Len tells him. "They're all, uh..."

"Out of your league?"

Len sniffs, pride not letting him concede the fact. But he's grinning.

"First up is Kara Danvers," Mick says.

"You think it'll work out, something like that? It'll have to be long-distance, sometimes."

"That's true with all of the ones I picked for you, Lenny," Mick says truthfully. "You need your space sometimes, even from people you like."

"Fair enough. So what are we doing?"

"Sweet and traditional: visiting the space museum, taking a walk through the park in the evening, before going back for a tour of the telescope once evening falls."

Len seems about to object, then the idea hits him full on. “Going to look at space with an alien?”

“Thought you’d like that.”

“I’ll even buy her an ice cream.”

He does, amusingly enough. He and Kara start out a little awkward, dancing around each other a bit – it almost certainly doesn’t help that Mick and Alex are hanging out nearby.

“Maybe we should try to back off a bit,” Alex says, studying the two of them. “Can we do that?”

“Not really,” Mick says. “Chaperoned means we have to be in sight and hearing distance at all times to keep ‘em from making any unapproved deals. Besides, they’d know we were there no matter how backed off we went. I’ve got a better idea.”

Within a few minutes, he and Alex have parked themselves in front of an exhibit about the moon and are loudly and obnoxiously debating the reality of the moon landing.

Len and Kara figure them out pretty quickly and seem to hit it off from there, both sets of shoulders relaxing as they wander the museum. Len is unable to resist pointing out how one would break into the place, because of course he is, but luckily Kara seems to take it as a demonstration of skill rather than a kleptomaniac's way of looking at the world and finds it - in her own words - adorable.

They also spend a fairly large portion of the date complaining about prior boyfriends.

"Is that a good sign or a bad sign?" Mick asks Alex.

"Bad sign," she replies, making a face. "Diversion?"

Mick nods, crushes his soda can, and pitches it at the two of them.

(Kara catches it without looking. Len looks impressed.)

"Not what I meant!" Alex yelps.

Mick sniggers.

It does work, though; the conversation veers off into a discussion of the criminal justice system. Kara's very interested in Len's perspective.

"Is this a date or a study session?" Mick asks Alex.

"Well, her day job is journalism..."

The museum and the park go well.

The telescope visit for two (with chaperones) goes - weird.

Well, it's fine at first, but then the scientist invites Kara to look wherever she likes and she pops off some coordinates, smiling wistfully.

And then she looks.

"Oh my god!" she shrieks. "Krypton! It's there! It's still there!"

"Wait, Krypton?" Len asks, alarmed. "As in Kryptonians?"

"Yes!"

"As in the planet with that crazy woman that tried to make Mick marry her and which currently worships me as a god?"

...crap.

Mick knew he'd heard of Kryptonians before.

"Wait, wait, a Kryptonian tried to marry Mick?! Why? No offense, Mick!"

"We just dealt with a crazy Daxamite named Rhea trying to get legitimacy to rule earth by forcing a marriage," Alex observes. "Something like that?"

"What do you mean 'why Mick'?" Len demands, indignant.

"That's not what I meant!"

"It was nothing like that," Mick assures Alex. "She wanted me to go home with her, not come here. It was mostly because of my reputation as a time travelling bounty hunter."

"And wait, what crazy woman are you referring to? What was her name? Do I know her?"

"I don't know her name! I was too busy keeping her from kidnapping Mick!"

"Time travelling bounty hunter, huh?" Alex asks. "Glad we don't have those."

"That you know of, you mean."

"True..."

"Kryptonians don't kidnap their brides!"

"How would you know? You just said you were something like thirteen when you left -"

"Do your people kidnap brides?"

"I don't know, maybe! Appalachia can be a weird place sometimes."

"Well, my parents were involved in the government, so -"

"Wait, your parents? What were their names?"

"Zor-El and Alura Zor-El."

"Any relation to an Astra Zor-El?" Mick calls over to them.

"Uh, that’s my aunt," Kara replies, alarmed.

"That's the one," Mick confirms.

"Your aunt tried to kidnap Mick," Len grumbles.

"She tried to kidnap me to," Kara says. "To be fair."

Len rolls his eyes.

"Wait," Alex says. "What was that bit about Krypton worshiping you as a god, Len?"

The rest of the date dissolves into endless hilarity after that point.

At the very end, Mick turns to Alex - pointedly turning his back so he can ignore the illicit good-night kiss going on behind him - and asks, "So, second date?"

"I think so," Alex says.

"Think it'll work out?"

"Probably not."

"Yeah," Mick says regretfully. Having laser-eyes around more often would’ve been fun – not to mention the kids… "Agreed."

"They'll probably end up being good friends," Alex says. "Long-distance pen pals. I mean, I'm no relationship expert..."

"Nah, that read like budding friendship to me, too. Lots of mutual interests, not much chemistry."

Alex peeps around Mick's shoulder. "They might disagree."

"Friends with benefits. Max. I'd bet money."

"Fair enough. Should we tell them?"

"Nah. Let 'em go through the process. You never know."

Alex nods, grinning. "I'm just sorry I won't be able to negotiate one of those contracts."

"I'll give you the books I have on how to do it," Mick offers. "If Kara likes it, just do it."

"I'll take you up on that offer," Alex laughs.

Mick's fairly sure both he and Len have ended up with long-distance pen pals.

Nice.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Okay, so date number two with Kara is lined up for down the line -" Mick starts.

"I like her," Len says. "Not sure I'd marry her - pretty sure she wouldn't marry me, given how hung up she is on some people, multiple people, back on her earth - but I like her. Would definitely team up with."

"Good to know," Mick says earnestly.

Too earnestly. Len's eyes narrow.

"You already guessed."

"Yep."

Len grins. "And that's why I picked the right best man."

"You bet your ass you did. Now, number two was supposed to be Barry Allen, but he had to cancel to go beat in Scudder's face again -"

"Good reason."

"- so we're moving on to date three, Selina Kyle."

"What's the date?"

"The big department store in Keystone," Mick says.

"We're going shopping?"

"That sounds just like what I'd pick for a date for two master-class theives," Mick says dryly. "Place just got a new shipment of sapphire pendants. Some shaped like cats."

Len grins. "Good date."

"I thought you'd like it."

"No better way to get to know another thief's working style," Len agrees, then pauses. "Wait, aren't the dates supposed to be chaperoned?"

"It wil be," Mick says. "I'm coming, and Selina's nominated Ivy."

"Poison Ivy?"

"Harl was in Arkham and couldn't commit."

"Great. Just - great. Flash is gonna love that."

"Busy beating in Scudder's face, remember? You'll be fine. Ivy likes you."

"Ivy really doesn't, Mick. You're the only guy she actually likes. I'm collateral."

"Don't be ridiculous."

Ivy is wearing a long sleeved hoodie, which is somewhat atypical of her usual stripped-down style, but it makes sense when she gives Mick a hug, careful not to get any venom on him. "You came to Gotham and didn't see me," she scolded.

"I tried!" he protests, smiling. "I even got myself harassed by some Bats on my way to Arkham. You weren't in and Harl said you'd gone off on a safari vacation. Find anything good?"

"Oh, yes - a brand new breed of tree -"

"You'll have to tell me all about it," Mick enthuses. No one likes plants as much as Ivy - it's impossible - but she never treats him like he's an idiot for needing a repeat or a visual and now that he's gotten the heat gun, they can do reenactments of the Fantasia Firebird suite properly.

It was how they'd met, actually, years and years back. Len and Mick had been in Gotham when the Bat phenomenon was pretty young and Mick had taken a trip to the Botanical Gardens on a whim; he ended up lighting it on fire and, when Ivy - then still called Pamela - confronted him, he'd explained in his stuttering way that they had fire pines and eucalyptus in there that couldn't grow until they'd been burned, and she'd adopted him more or less on the spot.

He'd also been pretty good at converting from Pammy to Ivy when she'd transitioned from mammal to plant.

(Len was wrong, by and by, at thinking he was just collateral. He used to be, sure, and Ivy tends to slide back into that mindset, but she'd told Mick privately that Len had earned his safety from her legitimately when he'd nearly murdered the Joker on Harl's behalf.)

"Later, darling," she laughs. "We're chaperones; we should chaperone."

Len and Selina were talking over the plan, both of their eyes gleaming with greed and satisfaction. They clicked just as hard as Mick had thought they would.

Honestly, it's a great experience all around. Selina shows off some of her acrobatics, Len some of his light-fingered artistry and safe-cracking...

"Mammalian mating habits," Ivy says, rolling her eyes in amusement.

"With very specified habits," Mick agrees. "Homo sapiens thief."

"By far the most handsome sub-species," Ivy agrees. "Excellent plumage displays, if subtler than other species variants."

"We can hear you," Len calls as Selina laughs soundlessly beside him.

The department store is a gimme, really, security-wise - just enough to make it interesting, not enough that some serious pre-planning has to go into it. Once they've knocked out all the cameras, they can just stroll through the department store at leisure.

Anyone who thinks Len doesn't like shopping just needs to let him do it illegally.

They're hitting it off really well, actually. Similar interests, similar talents, and Selina might have that ex-Batfriend back in Gotham but she's an independent-minded woman who is far, far fiercer about her boundaries than Kara is. If she makes the decision, she'll stick to it.

Besides, there is always the possibility of threesomes.

Mick enjoys the evening, too, and not just because his matchmaking skills are clearly top-notch; it's been a long time since he and Ivy had time to just hang out.

Making fun of Len and Selina is just a bonus.

If only Harl were here, it'd be perfect.

It's about halfway through one of Ivy's mocking comparisons of the dating couple to a pair of endangered ring-tailed lemurs when the problem abruptly hits Mick like a bolt of lightning.

It's watching Selina execute a lift from Len - Len aware and watching her, of course. She has the same je ne sais quoi, the same poise, the same –

"Aw, crap," Mick says. "Guys! C'mere. Quick question."

The two thieves blink owlishly at him - damnit, he should've noticed it earlier - and come over.

Even Ivy is looking curious.

"Cats," Mick says, "I don't suppose you'd mind giving us a bit of your lineage, would you?"

"Lineage?" she blinks. "You mean my parents? Why?"

"Not parents," he sighs. "Thief. Any impressive thieves in your family history?"

"Well," she says dubiously, "if you go back about four generations, I'm descended on my mother's side from the great Kitt -"

"Oh, no," Len says, getting it.

"Why, what's the issue?"

Len sighs. "My mother's her great-great niece or whatever."

"We're cousins?"

"Jewish side of the family," Len confirms. "The non-Puerto Rican ones."

Selina looks stupefied. "I heard about there being a related Jewish branch, but I thought it'd disappeared after the civil wars..."

"Nah, my mom's family left Africa right before; came to the states. Jews are good at moving, sad to say."

"We're cousins," Selina repeats, her eyes brightening. "I don't - I've never had any living family, not since my mother died -"

Len softens immediately. "Well," he says, grinning crookedly. "Now you have two. Have you met my sister?"

"I've heard of her, but never got the chance -"

The date dissolves into a game of do-you-know.

"It was going so well," Mick bitches to Ivy.

"It really was," Ivy agrees, patting him on the shoulder. "They were perfect for each other. It would've come up in the deep dive anyway; better that they figure it out now. Although, genetically speaking, they're still compatible..."

Mick shakes his head. "They're too hungry for family," he says. "Both of them. Ah, well. Was a good shot."

He frowns. "Hey, think we can still have them pretend to date until Bat Prime has a heart attack or something?"

"I like the way you think," Ivy says, grinning wickedly.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"So Barry's schedule is never going to be good," Iris tells Mick over the cup of coffee he bought her. "He's perpetually late to everything, except for superheroism."

"Yeah, I figured," Mick says. "I mean, I'd been thinking about just sending Len out to taunt him on one of his Captain Cold versus the Flash things, but it's not really a date, is it?"

They both consider the idea for a long moment.

"Never mind," Mick says. "It really is."

"It is," Iris agrees. "But it doesn't really count for our purposes. We want them to talk, not - I don't even know what they're doing. Flirt through reenacting scenes from their favorite comic books?"

"Mating displays," Mick says, brain still in Ivy-mode. "Common to the subspecies homo sapians supers, regardless of whether it's the heroicia or the villaina breeds."

Iris snorts. "Yeah, and their costumes are their plumage. I can see it. So what do we do?"

Mick shrugs. "I'm not sure. We need to see how they interact when they're not, uh, plumage-ing."

"Yeah. Like, the total opposite of their usual thing. And I don't mean a superhero-supervillain team-up, that's just an even more intense version of the same."

"What about dinner?" Mick asks.

"Dinner?"

"I know, I know, incredibly tame. But how about we just get a place, make a giant pile of food, and make them have dinner and watch the Combines game? Something nice, relaxed, indoors..."

"Oh, God, don't get me started on the Combines' winning streak," Iris says, rolling her eyes. "My dad always preferred the Slashers, but Barry's practically the Combines’ biggest fan."

"Next to Len," Mick replies, also rolling his eyes. "I'd say we send them to a game, but they'd just treat that as a team-up against the evil fans from the other side."

"Indoors sounds good," Iris says. "Eddie and I have an apartment - used to be Barry and mine, yes, awkward, I know -"

"I don't think either Barry or Len know the meaning of the word."

"Fair point. How do we get enough food?"

"I'll cook some and we'll take-out the rest," Mick decides. "We can do an all-day date - lunch, movie, dinner, game."

"Sounds great."

It is great. Mick's not a shabby cook, if he does say so himself, and Barry is appropriately complimentary while also chowing down avidly on both homemade stuff and take-out.

His appetite is impressive.

Len, of course, eats like a starving child who is half-bird, half-trash compactor. He's so incredibly finicky about it that you almost don't notice how the food disappears like it's being sucked into a vacuum.

The conversation about the food is also good as an ice breaker, since they immediately start comparing favorites and suggesting the other try something.

Barry also ends up pitching the benefits of a certain brand of ice cream for nearly fifteen minutes before he gives up and runs out to get some, as well as some of the brand Len had been defending, so that they can have a taste test.

(They end up settling on a tie. There's just no winner between the Ultimate Dark Chocolate Night and the Honey Milk Cookie Dough options, but they all agree that no one is a loser, either. Especially the four of them with their bellies full of delicious ice cream.)

They pick Aliens for the movie and spend half the time pausing it to talk about Kara and the Kryptonians or the Dominators and come up with even more implausible scenarios.

"Are they being racist?" Iris asks. "Or xenophobic?"

"No," Mick says. "Given that they seem mostly in favor of meeting aliens."

"Did you really nearly marry a Kryptonian queen?"

"She was more of a warlord, but yeah. Long story."

"I want to hear more about Len being a god."

"Later, later..."

They also spend a good portion of the day constructively critiquing each other's fighting styles.

Mick and Iris spend a lot of time exchanging long-suffering looks.

"You can take the superhero out of the field..."

"But he won't stop talking about it?"

"He's my best friend," Iris says. "But at this point, I almost want him to restart that supernatural blog of his just to have some variety."

"I've been looking at that! It's - well -"

"Special?"

"He was such a dweeb."

"What do you mean, 'was'?"

"Could be worse. You ought to see Len during shark week."

"He likes shark week? Really?"

"Oh yeah."

And, of course, the piece de resistance - the Combines game.

Nothing makes people bond like abruptly transforming into shrieking maniacs howling death threats at the referee for ninety minutes or so. Apparently.

"I don't even want to know what happens next World Cup," Mick says to Iris.

"No kidding."

They both very pointedly try to ignore Len and Barry, who have finally given in to the urge to do something about the overwhelming sexual tension that lingers around them like a thick miasma. Apparently, getting into the spirit of the game helped them overcome their inhibitions - Barry had grabbed Len and kissed him when the final bell had rung and the Combines declared winners, followed by a momentary pause, staring into each other's eyes, followed by the passionate making out currently happening - which, really, was all for the best.

"Should we interrupt?" Iris asks Mick in a murmur. "They're still in the courtship stage. It’s too early to let them hop into bed together; we don’t even have a first draft contract or a letter of intention signed."

Mick reaches into his bag and pulls out two water guns.

"Mick Rory, if I weren't about to become engaged myself, I'd ask you out right here and now," Iris says, beaming.

Len and Barry make sounds not unlike yowling cats when they get hit with water.

"Down, boys," Iris says, grinning. "Save some for date two."

"Will there be a date two?" Barry asks hopefully, still flushed red with exertion and excitement.

"Definitely," Len says before Mick can answer. "Even if I have to break into a bank to get your attention, Scarlet."

"Wouldn't be the first time you've done that," Barry shoots back, regaining his cockiness.

"And you just happen to wander by Saints and Sinners on a regular basis, huh?"

"I'm just keeping a close eye on my nemesis," Barry says in a way that might be convincing if he wasn't leaning in, eyes locked on Len's, and his voice going a little breathy. "Never know what trouble you might be getting into."

Len's leaning forward, too. "Keep your friends close and enemies closer, huh? We might make a proper villain out of you one day..."

"Never."

Iris squirts them with the water gun again. "Guys?" she says when they look at her, blinking the water out of their eyes. "Superhero-supervillain roleplay is a third date thing, at earliest."

They both pout.

Mick rolls his eyes and takes Len home.

"So," Len says when they get home. He's been practically vibrating in his seat. "What's your verdict?"

Mick doesn't answer, just heads inside.

"Mick?" Len calls, starting to frown. "Not good? Do we need to go back to the pool? I thought the dates went well..."

Mick goes to the phone.

"Mick?"

"Heya, Spears?" Mick says into the handle. "I think you can focus the deep dive on Barry Allen exclusively. We'll be opening negotiations next week."

Len beams.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Of course, that doesn't mean it's over.

Not by a long shot.

Mick and Iris supervise two more dates to be sure - Iris takes to menacing them with a spray bottle - but they both agree that prospects look pretty damn good.

Mick may have destroyed the multiverse by introducing Ivy and Kara, as well as Selina and Alex, but oh, well.

(Alex keeps shutting her eyes and murmuring "I have a girlfriend - I have a girlfriend" passionately, while Selina purrs, "Do you now? I'd love to meet her" at her.)

"I'm ready when you are," Iris tells him at the conclusion of date three (superhero-supervillain team-up against an invasion of subterranean mole-men; Mick's not asking).

"Yeah," he says. "Let's do this thing."

They meet at Jitters as neutral ground.

"We need a booth all day," Iris says apologetically. "But we'll order lots of coffee!"

"It's a marriage negotiation," Mick tells them.

Their expressions brighten immediately. "Take all the time you need. Back corner's all yours - we won't seat anyone near you guys."

Mick and Iris settle in, each armed with a giant pile of paper.

"So," she says.

"So," he agrees.

"You want to start with traditional stuff - living situation, kids, etc. - or esoteric?"

"Normally I'd say traditional," Mick says. "But I figure we ought to get the elephant out of the way, yeah?"

"Agreed. So: super-heroics are non-negotiable."

"Supervillainy is, too, and I'm counting regular old stealing in that. That going to be a moral no-go zone?"

"Nah, Barry knows who he's dealing with. He'll want some ability to veto some of the things Len does, though, if it's unconscionable."

Mick nods. He'd figured as much. "I'm willing to grant a limited number of vetoes for acts of supervillainy or theft in exchange for an equal number of vetoes for acts of heroic martyrdom."

"Done," Iris says. "I would pay money for a few of those myself."

Mick laughs. "I wouldn't say no stopping some of Len's dumber ideas either."

"No kidding. Okay. So. We want to formalize the agreement of no killing."

"No unreasonable killing."

"I don't know -"

"Lewis. Snart."

"Okay, okay. No unreasonable killing."

"On both sides. Len hates it when people bring the heat."

"Barry doesn't kill people!"

Mick stares at her.

"...on purpose!"

More staring.

"...okay, I'll put in a provision."

"No illegal prisons, either," Mick says.

Iris doesn't even argue that one.

"We're gonna need to have a yearly - maybe quarterly? - minimum superhero-supervillain fights," Mick says. "Len's pretty possessive; he'll get pissy if Barry decides to focus exclusively on some other threat."

"Yeah, no, I agree. Barry got really sulky when Len went off with the Legends. He'll want to provide for that. Of course, he'll also want a guaranteed number of team-up requests, too, ones that override whatever else is going on..."

"Agreed. But going both ways - if Len needs Barry for a heist or a prison break, he can call on him and get reliable assistance."

Iris hums. "Yeah, makes sense. Maybe we should make the team-up override thing subject to mediation? If there's some request for assistance and they're having difficulty agreeing, they appeal to a neutral third party."

"Sounds reasonable. Better make the third party someone of flexible morality, though, so neither of them feel cheated."

"Makes sense. We can serve in that role to start, and I'll leave a blank for the mediator that we can fill it in later."

"Okay, good. Anything else on the superhero-villain spectrum?"

"Hmmm - oh, I know. A list of no-go team-ups. Heroes Len doesn't want Barry associating with, villains Barry doesn't want Len dealing with."

"Who're you thinking?"

"Eobard Thawne."

"Fair. Put it in. But we'll need an exception for duress - mind-control, brainwashing, it's a past version, etc."

Iris nods, both of them adding it to their notes.

"Oh, yeah," Mick adds. "Same vein - timeline adjustments to be discussed in advance for potential consequences. Applicable to both of them."

"Oh my god, agreed! So very much agreed!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I don't suppose you've signed a letter of intent yet," Len asks when Mick gets home after the third day of negotiations. Technically it's only a few hours a day, since Iris can't take full days off of her job for it, since Mick isn't the most facile writer or reader, it always takes him the rest of the day to look over the clauses he's agreed to and their wording to make sure he hasn't agreed to anything dumb.

They haven't had to resort to a mediator yet, luckily; they've been able to resolve all the difficulties. As negotiations go, it's been going very smoothly.

Mick still gives Len an incredulous look.

"I know, I know, it's early days yet," Len says. "I just..."

"Want to get laid?" Mick suggests.

"Want to lock it down," Len says. He shrugs. "He's a superhero in his late twenties; I'm well above his age -"

"You're in excellent health, you're goddamn gorgeous, and you're brilliant, plus you have child rearing experience from raising Lisa," Mick says flatly. "You've got solid assets, including multiple real estate holdings, and no criminal record -"

"Because I blackmailed him into deleting 'em."

"Either way, it's gone," Mick says. "Sorry, buddy. You're a catch. He, on the other hand, is a compulsive liar with boundary issues and a total inability to be punctual to anything, difficulty making friends, and is very nearly a big as nerd as you."

"He's a good person."

"Yeah," Mick says. "With a martyr complex." He pins Len with a glare.

"And I don't have that because I've worked out any martyrdom out of my system," Len recites. "I promise, Mick. No more Oculus."

"Good."

"You sound like a tough negotiator," Len says. "Do try not to be too tough. I do want to get married eventually."

"You think I'm tough, you haven't spent a few hours going head to head with Iris West."

"That'll be fun," Len says with a faint smirk. "Having her as a sister-in-law."

"Sure," Mick says. "Just like having Joe West as a father-in-law."

The smirk disappears.

Point, Mick.

"Do you have a preference in apartments?" Mick asks, dumping his bag on the desk. "We were discussing living quarters today - turns out Barry gave the one he bought for himself and Iris to her and Eddie when Eddie came back, so he's been crashing with Cisco."

"I have plenty of places," Len says. "He can move in any time."

"He can move in after you get married, you mean. But seriously, any preference?"

Len thinks. "Maybe the one on Willow?" he suggests. "That's a real house, not just an apartment - office, living room, the garage we've been using as a workstation, four bedrooms. That’s a good number, I think: one for us, one for you, one for guests, one for kids, at least until we need to expand. Plus it has that kitchen you like."

"It does have a good kitchen," Mick acknowledges. "I'll suggest it."

"That way you can cook for us," Len says happily.

"Of course," Mick snorts. That had been on today's discussion list - Iris had been very concerned when Mick had noted Len's lack of cooking skills. Barry apparently couldn't cook either.

"They're going to live on take-out," Iris had spent a few minutes moaning before Mick had assuaged her worries by explaining that he would do the cooking. It’s not like he hasn’t always been doing it for Len; yes, increasing the amounts for Barry would be a challenge, but Mick likes challenges.

Besides, it’s a good way to earn his keep.

"Speaking of food, what do you want?" Mick asks, thinking about what was in the fridge. "Also, when is next date night?"

"We-ell..."

"Lenny."

"I invited him to dinner. Here! Just here."

Mick rolls his eyes and gets up to open the door, because he knows how Len operates. He yanks it open just as Barry, Iris beside him, lifts his hand to knock.

"Long time no see," Mick says dryly to Iris. "Don't your boyfriend miss you?"

"I wish," she sighs. "He's back on the force and he got picked to head a major investigation. He barely comes home to sleep - trying to prove he's still got it. You know how it is."

Mick nods and steps aside to let them in.

"We're doing take out," he announces. "I refuse to cook after I negotiated all day."

"What, don't want to show off your domestic skills?" Iris teases.

"I'm demonstrating the domestic skill of knowing when to yield," Mick shoots back.

"No need," Len says. "I've already ordered take out. In fact, it should -"

The doorbell rings.

"Your sense of timing is awesome," Barry says.

They're all lounging by the couch with boxes of high-quality Chinese on their laps when Iris says, "Were you serious about living with and cooking for Len and Barry once they're married?"

"Of course he is," Len replies blankly, sounding puzzled. "We've lived together off and on for - you know what, I'm going to just not do the math."

"Please don't," Mick agrees. "And yeah. Someone has to do the cooking, and it sure ain't Len."

Iris hums. "Not the most conventional approach nowadays," she says. "Not unheard of, of course. Barry?"

Barry shrugs. "They've lived together forever. Why break up something that works?"

Iris blinks for a minute, then shrugs. "Your marriage, your call."

Barry blinks at her. "If he doesn't get a room, he'll just crash on the couch most nights," he points out, not incorrectly. "I'm much more likely to trip over him that way. Besides, I'm sure we can find a place big enough."

"Len has several," Mick says dryly. "We always make sure they have a guest room for Lisa to crash in, too."

"Sure, I guess," Iris says, laughing a little. "Wouldn't be my style - no offense, Barry, I'm a if-you-live-in-my-house-you'd-better-be-in-my-bed sorta girl - but if you're all good with it, why not?"

Len, however, was stuck on other matters. "'Your marriage, your call?'" he parrots, indignant. "Do you actually get asked to make decisions like that?"

"You don't?"

"No! El Dictator over there just tells me what's been decided and makes me object if I don't like 'em!"

"The question is," Mick drawls, "have you ever objected?"

Len wrinkles his nose. "Well, no," he says. "You know me really well. But it's the principle of the thing!"

Iris and Barry are laughing.

"Screw principle," Mick says cheerfully. "You're an impulsive unmarried sort, tradition says I'm supposed to decide for you."

"Definitely impulsive," Barry says, grinning. "No lie there."

Len pretends to sulk, but can't keep it up when Barry reaches over and idly lays a hand on Len's forearm.

Mick can tell from the set of Len's shoulders that he doesn't mind the contact, and from his face that he's surprised that he doesn't.

Mick grins. This is going to be a good marriage. He can feel it.

------------------------------------------------------------------

"Trips," Iris announces.

"Trips?" Mick asks, lifting his head from where he'd been resting it against the surface of the table. Negotiations suck.

To be more specific, funeral clauses suck. Mick gets a little touchy about discussions of Len's death, okay? He's had to go through that once.

On the bright side, he'd negotiated that the Flash team would engage in an extensive search process, up to and including time travel, to ensure that there was no way to rescue Len from whatever stupid stunt got his ass kicked this time before the funeral clause could go into effect.

Still depressing.

"Yeah, trips," Iris says. She looks a bit queasy, too; talking about Barry's death was equally hard for her - she'd seen him live through his mother's murder (age 11), get hit by a bus (14), fall off a cliff (17), a bolt of lightning (24), a black hole (25), Zoom breaking his back (25), being strapped to an accelerator and trapped in the Speed Force (26), giving himself up to the Speed Force (27)...suffice to say, she was acquainted with Mick's trauma. Very acquainted. "We need something nice to discuss."

"Okay. Trips. You mean vacations?"

"Barry works too hard and never takes time off. We should fix that."

"We should. At least two vacations each year, minimum ten days, plus occasional weekend trips."

"That sounds great. Mandate use of the superhero network to cover Central so they're not tempted to come back?"

"Not just superheroes," Mick disagrees. "Len knows some supervillains that we could trust to keep an eye on the city till they come back."

"Hmm. How about we make that a joint efforts clause? That way they both have to work to make sure they're not going to break their vacation."

"They will anyway."

"Well, yes," Iris agrees. "But at least they'll try not to."

Mick nods and they add it in. “What about holidays?” he asks. “Len’s Jewish, Barry’s Christian, and we can’t leave out the Fourth of July.”

“On the bright side, we can split pretty evenly that way,” Iris says, tapping her pencil against her lips. “Christian holidays at Dad’s house, Jewish holidays with you guys – isn’t one of those holidays involve lighting something on fire?”

“Many of them,” Mick says happily.

“And American holidays we can split between the two. Even I’ve heard of your Fourth of July bashes, so you get that – how do you feel about Thanksgiving?”

“Fairly strongly, but we can bring our traditional foods to your house. Don’t care where it’s at.”

“Done, excellent. Memorial Day and stuff?”

“See trips.”

Iris laughs.

"Oh, and speaking of trips, should we decide on where they go?" Mick asks. "Don't want them to cheat."

"At least 200 miles from Central?"

Mick snorts. "Your boy can run that in an hour or two."

Iris sighs. "Thoughts?"

"400 miles and no superhero team-ups as vacations; or they can get a hotel here and not leave."

Iris laughs, jotting it down. "Speaking of which - honeymoon?"

"An island," Mick says firmly.

"Why an island?"

"Harder to leave."

"Barry can run over water."

"For long distances?"

Iris pauses. "You make a good point," she concedes after a moment. "An island. Which one?"

There's a moment's pause.

"Not Lian-Yu," they both chorus, then dissolve into guffaws.

"After all, we do want them back eventually," Iris says, wiping her eyes.

"How about Atlantis?" Mick asks.

She gives him a look. "That's not a place, Mick."

"Heard it is in Earth-2."

"They can have their honeymoon on Earth-1, Mick. Otherwise they will have a dire world-ending emergency that they need to avert happening."

"Hn. I take your point. Okay."

"The Caribbean?"

Mick shakes his head. "We have a private island there," he says. "It's not really neutral ground."

"Barry's making a much better match than I am," Iris murmurs. "Private island - I should've looked closer at your real estate holdings."

"Probably," Mick agrees with a smirk. "The Phillipines?"

"Barry would try to get involved with politics. Hawaii?"

"Too hot for Len. Iceland?"

"Maybe. Might be too close by for Barry to resist running to Europe."

"Wait - New Zealand?" Mick gestures at the 'mutual interests' section of the contract, in which 'science fiction/fantasy books/movies/etc.' is featured heavily. "Lord of the Rings?"

Iris sniggers. "I'll bring it up as a possibility. Oh, speaking of too hot, we should probably go ahead and make a clause for how to deal with the inevitable fight over the thermostat..."

"And the accompanying puns."

"From both of them!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Okay, so we've covered living situations (Len's house), chore division (you cook, Barry cleans, Len does laundry), transportation division (you drive since neither Barry nor Len can drive and in return Barry is willing to be used as a bus service for a limited number of times per week), income management (Len because he's apparently an accountant in his spare time, who would've thought), pets (Barry’s turtle in the main area, Len’s stray cats out back), expected job prospects (continuing where they left off) -" Iris lists off.

"Speaking of, you applied to the CCPD for the morality waiver yet?" Mick asks.

"It's not a morality waiver," Iris scolds mildly. "It's a certification that his marriage to a person of interest and possible felon - but for a very well-timed deletion of his criminal record - won't affect Barry's CSI work."

"And?"

"And yes, we've applied. Should we discuss kids?"

"I think they're all but settled on two, with the possibility for three, to be raised mixed Jewish-Christian."

"Yeah. Adoption or surrogacy can be left to their determination."

"It won't happen in the first two years anyway," Mick agrees. "They need to stabilize their marriage before starting in on kids. Think we can get Kara to have the kids?"

"You just want toddlers with heat ray vision."

"Hell yeah. And freeze breath and superspeed, don't forget."

"...I'll put her on the list of potential options. Barry'd like a kid that inherited his speed and Len's eyes."

"Plus Len's bone structure," Mick says. "He's pretty."

Iris snorts. "You think everyone is pretty."

"You disagreeing?"

"About Len? Definitely not. Len's the prettiest Flash supervillain."

"His competition is a gorilla," Mick points out.

"Some people are into that," Iris replies with a straight face.

They both dissolve into sniggers.

"But seriously," Iris says, wiping her eyes. "What next? Null clauses? Standard ones like abuse, of course, whether verbal, economic, sexual or physical -"

"Unreasonable infidelity."

"Unreasonable?"

"Brainwashing, pheromones, past self, seducing someone for a job, seducing someone for the greater good -"

"Right. Unreasonable infidelity it is. Is that a dissolution clause?"

"Maybe just a mandatory marriage counseling one. And consented-to acts outside the marriage doesn't count, of course."

"Naturally. Anything else?"

"Let's go over the standard set and see if we find anything to add. Oh, speaking of sexual, we should probably get that one out of the way."

Iris makes a face, but she pulls out a new folder. "I got Barry to fill out The 13b."

Mick chokes down a laugh. Iris is referring to the infamous 'sexual practices' form - notorious among middle-schoolers going into their first set of real home-ec classes - with the bewildered awe of someone who has actually had to read the notoriously over-inclusive form.

It had initially started out very conservative, of course, primarily concerned with ensuring that proper young ladies weren't required to engage in any unseemly acts by their new husbands, particularly after the growth of freely available pornography.

Then there had been a landmark court case brought jointly by a couple who had been obligated by their over-protective guardians to agree to virtually no relations at all and an asexual couple which had been given what they considered to be excessively high sexual interaction minimums by their own well-meaning guardians; that case had resulted in the right of all individuals, including minors, to fill out the form themselves and for more options to be added in, rendering it more flexible.

And then the next case had been brought by a couple who practiced BDSM who claimed that their marriage process was negatively impacted and stigmatized by being forced to negotiate alternative sexual agreements outside of the form...

In the end, Form 13(b) had ballooned from a discrete three-page form to a mammoth thirty-page questionnaire which provided the vast majority of middle-school aged kids with their first real introduction to alternative sexuality options beyond what they had been taught in sex ed.

"Len filled one out too," Mick says. "Though I revised it to account for his sarcasm and occasional denial."

Iris grins. "Yeah, me too. Barry's too embarrassed to put some things to paper, which is just ridiculous. This is a marriage contract! If you don't put down the truth, you'll just end up having two years of sex you don't like."

Mick solemnly offers up his fist for a fist-bump, which Iris gleefully returns. "This is gonna be fun."

"Hell yes. Now, to start - are you aware that Barry can vibrate on cue?"

"I'd guessed," Mick says, smirking.

Iris smirks back. "So I was figuring we would put in a clause about keeping each other satisfied and leave the exactly frequency to their discretion -"

“Oh, I like that. What about acceptable nicknames?”

“In bed?”

“In public, in private, in bed...”

“I like the way you think. Oh! Costumes!”

“What about them? Obviously they’re going to be permitted to wear ‘em to bed.”

“Obviously. But, like, can they wear each other’s or would that be too confusing?” Iris waves her pencil around. “Would they want to?”

“You telling me that Barry Allen has never wanted to play the villain?” Mick asks skeptically.

Iris sniggers. “See the 13(b) for the answer to that,” she replies. “But wouldn’t he be more of a speedster villain to Len’s Captain Cold good-guy?”

“You know what,” Mick says. “We should include a provision that they need to order their own sex toys, and that includes specialty costumes from Cisco.”

“Poor Cisco.”

“He should’ve thought of that before becoming the super-tech distributor of Central City. What about carrying?”

“Carry provisions? I don’t think they’re bringing anything into the marriage that wouldn’t already be covered…”

“No, no, literal carrying. If Barry grabs Len for transport, bridal style is right out unless Barry’s got a real good life-saving reason for it. And if Len ever needs to carry Barry…”

“Yeah, Barry hates ‘sack of potatoes’; he’s more of a piggy-back man.” Iris pauses, then buries her face in her hands. “You know what, let’s go back to the sex talk, that’s somehow less embarrassing than this…”

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Of course, not everything is sunshine and roses and really bad sex jokes.

When Iris doesn't show for that day's negotiating session - and it's warranties and wedding day, which she's been looking forward to - Mick assumes the worst and heads over her way, heat gun in tow.

He arrives at the West household only to hear a screaming fight going on inside.

One of the voices is Iris, at least; that's good. Mick was going to assume 'kidnapped' otherwise.

Still, yelling at Iris.

That's just rude.

He jimmies the lock - Len's not the only one who knows how - and lets himself inside.

"- I cannot believe you!" Joe West is shouting. "You can't be arranging a marriage for Barry, you're not even married yourself -"

"And who's fault is that?!" Iris shoots back.

"Married status hasn't been a requirement for a best man since 1972 -" Barry starts.

"Not now, Barry! And don't think you're off the hook - what the hell were you thinking?"

Mick wonders for a moment if he ought not to show himself. If West's objection is that Barry's getting married without permission at all...

"And really, Leonard Snart of all people?!"

Nope. He's upset about that too.

"I cannot believe you two would do something this stupid. You have no idea what that man is capable of -"

"Uh, I kinda do?" Barry interrupts. "I have fought him before."

Not helping, Barry.

"Not helping, Barry," Iris hisses.

Barry crosses his arms stubbornly. "He's a good man," he says.

"He's a thief, a liar, and a murderer!"

"There's good in him, Joe. He doesn't kill any more, he has a code now -"

"I don't care! You don't understand the dangers you're putting yourself in for, with this monster -"

Hey! Mick is totally the monster of their little duo.

"- who's trying to come in and take advantage of you, of both of you, trying to use your reputation as a hero -"

"He's marrying Barry Allen," Barry points out. "Not the Flash."

"Then as part of the CCPD! I bet he's weaseling in words to make you help him in his heists -"

"It's not like that," Iris says.

"It's exactly like that, Iris. You don't have the experience to negotiate a contract -"

"Better than not negotiating it at all," Iris says. "I should've let Barry be my best man for Eddie instead of agreeing to let you do it; maybe I’d be married by now."

"I'm just being cautious -"

"Oh, cautious, sure. You're so cautious, I'll die of old age first!"

"We're not talking about your relationship right now, Iris," Joe says sternly.

"We never are," she mutters.

"We are focusing on making sure Barry doesn't sign away his life to a criminal intent on abusing him!"

Joe had better not be implying –

"Len wouldn't do anything like that!" Barry protests.

"You didn't know his father, not more than for a few minutes," Joe says darkly. "Snart probably picked up every last trick in the -"

"Now that just ain't nice," Mick says, because marriage or no marriage, he doesn't let anyone talk about Len like that.

Joe starts when he sees Mick and has the shame to look a little guilty - clearly he hadn't intended for his little aspersions and innuendos to get back to Len - but he sets his face in hard lines. "What are you doing in my house?!"

"I'm here to pick up Iris," Mick says.

Joe snorts. "What, you? Don't tell me Snart got a thug like you to do his marriage negotiations. He'd be better off with a stranger off the street!"

"Nah," Mick says before Barry, whose face is turning red with affront, or Iris, who looks like she's going to throw something, can say anything. "He's got a sister. I'm here to propose a triad marriage to Iris."

Joe's jaw drops.

Barry's eyebrows go up.

Iris starts grinning like a maniac.

"I've been sitting in on Iris' negotiation sessions," Mick says solemnly, lying like a rug without uttering any untruth but the big one. Cops can smell ‘em if they’re small. "She's very impressive and we grew close. I figure, since she ain't actually contracted yet, it ain't too late to make my suit."

"She's going to be engaged to Eddie!" Joe shouts.

"Thus triad marriage."

"Iris?"

"Sorry, Dad," Iris says insincerely. "I meant to tell you, but I just couldn't find a way."

"Yeah, right," Joe snorts.

"Ask Eddie," Mick suggests, noticing how Barry's hands have flashed for his own phone. "He'll confirm it."

"You know what, I will." Joe grabs the phone, dials. "Eddie - are you considering triad marriage with Mick Rory?"

"Uh," Eddie says, his voice tinny over the line. "Iris and I were trying to think of a way to bring it up..."

Eddie Thawne is clearly a good man who is very familiar with his beloved's sense of humor.

Barry flashes Mick and Iris to safety before Mt. Joe explodes for real.

As soon as they get out to the park, Iris bursts out laughing. "That was wonderful," she crows. "Oh, I hate to do it to him, but sometimes he really deserves it -"

"He didn't mean what he said about Len," Barry assures Mick anxiously. "He was just angry."

"It's fine," Mick says. "Unless you're having second thoughts?"

Barry's chin goes up. Stubborn, endlessly stubborn - one of his better traits, in Mick's mind. It meant he had a chance of keeping up with Len. "Oh, I'm definitely still in."

"Good," Mick says, and fishes out a piece of paper from his bag. "Then I think we oughta sign this."

Iris takes it. "A letter of intent? Really? Are we there yet?"

"I think we're there," Mick agrees. "We've been able to resolve or compromise most of the differences, and the remaining stuff is mostly frills and technical. Ain't the reason I'm pulling it out early."

"Oh?"

"Barry's of age," Mick says. "But Lenny's a felon - well, alleged former felon - and there are plenty of things a cop can do to make trouble for him if he's too angry to think about the trouble he's making for Barry, too. Open an investigation, charge him with abetting -"

Barry makes a face. "As a CSI, I can't be courting someone currently under investigation."

"But you can if the letter of intent is already on file," Iris says, nodding with understanding. "Barry - I've shown you my drafts. We've gotten through a lot, but not everything is done, so if you're not comfortable signing -"

"You do get to get laid if you do sign," Mick points out.

The paper is signed in the time it takes Iris to slap the back of Mick's head.

"Barry!"

"What? You saw Len's 13b! I want me some of that!"

Mick starts laughing. After a few seconds, the other two start in as well.

"I'm gonna call Len," Mick decides. "Then you'll see a streak of blue, I'd bet."

"Nah, he knows I'll come to him," Barry replies cheerfully.

"Barry Allen!" Iris exclaims, pretending to be shocked. "Have you been discussing it with your intended, you scandalous minx?"

Barry shivers blissfully. "Oh yeah. At length. His voice is...uh...something else. And that imagination…"

Iris sniggers again. "Well, now I'm really incentivized to finish negotiations," she says. "I can't wait to stop being your disapproving negotiator and go back to being your approving and interested best friend/confidante."

"I'll tell you everything," Barry promises.

"Lenny?" Mick says into the phone.

Len grumbles at him. He was in the middle of planning something, or something like that.

"Just giving you a heads up about a streak of light heading your way," Mick drawls. "Since we signed the letter of intent and all."

He can hear Len drop his pencil.

Mick grins evilly.

"Doesn't Len need to - oh, he's already signed," Iris observes. "Signed and notarized."

"Mardon's a notary," Mick tells her. "Yeah, yeah, I'm as surprised as you are."

"Why are you still talking?" Len demands. "Tell Barry to get his ass in high gear already!"

Mick conveys the message, but he's talking to empty air.

"We should probably finish the contract," Iris says.

"No issues with your dad?"

"He'll come around by the wedding."

-----------------------------------------------------------

He does.

The ceremony is lovely - Jewish, per Len's request, but with some traditional frills for Barry.

Mardon does a stellar job at keeping the weather good, the CCPD is on their best non-arresting behavior, and even though most of the audience thinks that the grooms have lost it, no one objects at any point.

(The large sign confirming the list of enchantments, mind-control, robotic clones, etc. that both grooms had been tested for helps, Mick thinks.)

The food is, even by Mick's standard, magnificent. The cake is -

Well, it may or may not be an eldritch horror of some variety, Constantine hadn't been willing to confirm one way or the other, but it's large and delicious.

The Waverider hovers above the venue and showers the happy couple with hypoallergenic flower petals in red and blue. This conveniently eliminates the need for flower girls or a wedding party, thereby eliminating a series of duels to the death that seemed likely to break out.

Iris and Mick do have the traditional false-duel between best men, though. Fun!

Iris also catches the bouquet that Len insists on tossing and grins wickedly at her fiancé and Mick, who are sitting together with Felicity and Oliver.

There's been a bit of a competition between the two of them as to which triad Mick would work better in. Mick's not objecting in the slightest.

They’re all very pretty.

Though, in fairness, he does think everyone’s pretty.

Kara shows up with a triad of her own, pleased as punch, and seems to be getting along ridiculously well with the delegation from Krypton Len had demanded (he is a god there) show up. Mick suspects they may be her parents.

All in all, it's a pretty auspicious start to a marriage.

Okay, yes, the mole-men attack again, but honestly, Mick was expecting something like that.

[gokinjeespot]

off the rack #1256

Monday April 1, 2019

 Call me an April fool. I thought that the pure joy of comic book collecting was going the way of the Dodo bird but judging from the attendance of yesterday's Capital Comic Book Convention I'm glad to say I am mistaken. No celebrities. No cosplay. No special events. Just a room full of vendors who also love the hobby and collectors looking for unique and fun comics. I want to thank my partner Chris for all his hard work. He made Jee-Riz's booth a standout in the room. "You don't see this sort of stuff very often" was heard more than once.

 Archie #703 - Nick Spencer (writer) Sandy Jarrell (artist) Matt Herms (colours) Jack Morelli (letters). So much going on. We find out who attacks Jughead in the woods and why. I want to be a roadie for Josey and the Pussycats. Betty and Veronica enlists the aid of Cheryl Blossom to ferret out if Archie has a new girlfriend. As long as it's not Betty I'm not jealous of the ginger bonehead.

 Avengers #17/LGY #707 - Jason Aaron (writer) David Marquez (art) Erick Arciniega (colours) VC's Clayton Cowles (letters). This issue has some of the cheesiest dialogue I have ever read. I really hope that the Vampire War is over. This Avengers team is a bit too goody two shoes for me.

 Batman #67 - Tom King (writer) Lee Weeks & Jorge Fornes (art) Lovern Kindzierski (colours) Clayton Cowles (letters). Knightmares part 5. Batman's in his Batman: Year One costume chasing a masked killer. You'll feel like you're watching a Roadrunner cartoon. The guy in the mask is William Ernest Coyote. You're in for a shock when Batman unmasks him.

 Savage Sword of Conan #3 - Gerry Duggan (writer) Ron Garney (art) Richard Isanove (colours) VC's Travis Lanham (letters). Conan is captured by the evil wizard Koga Thun but manages to escape to continue his search for treasure. It looks like he's got to fight zombies to get to the treasure. I got all excited when I saw the cover showing Conan fighting alongside Belit but nothing like that happens at all inside. I'm not reading any more of these. I don't like being played for a sucker.

 Immortal Hulk #15 - Al Ewing (writer) Joe Bennett (pencils) Ruy Jose (inks) Paul Mounts (colours) VC's Cory Petit (letters). I love this couch session with Doc Samson and the Hulk, sans couch. The two talk it out after a sniper shoots Betty and the Hulk. Some of the stuff they talk about is quite insightful. You think they're trying to find Betty but they're not. Their final destination is a surprise.

 Thor #11 - Jason Aaron (writer) Lee Garbett (art) Antonio Fabela (colours) VC's Joe Sabino (letters). Thor goes looking for his best friend thinking he's going to need all the help he can get in the coming War of the Realms. The Lady Freyja has to make her son stop his foolish search. I like the little snippets showing characters we haven't seen in a while and I can't wait to see what their roles are in the war. Get ready true believers, Malekith is about to invade Midgard.

 Avengers LGY #714: No Road Home #7 - Jim Zub, Mark Waid & Al Ewing (writers) Paco Medina (art) Jesus Aburtov (colours) VC's Joe Sabino (letters). This issue features Monica Rambeau/Spectrum. Who better to fight the Queen of Darkness than a being of light. The last page made up for the disappointment I felt reading Savage Sword of Conan #3.

 Heroes in Crisis #7 - Tom King (writer) Clay Mann (art pages 1-6, 11, 17,-19, 23-24) Travis Moore (art pages 8-10, 13, 14-16, 20-21) Jorge Fornes (art pages 7, 12, 22) Tomeu Morey (colours) Clayton Cowles (letters). You could read this one issue and it wouldn't make a lick of sense unless you've read the previous 6. I even had a hard time understanding what's going on and I've read every issue. I think the only reason I'm going to read the last two issues is to find out if anything makes sense in the end.

 Hulkverines #2 - Greg Pak (writer) Guiu Vilanova (art) Morry Hollowell with Chris Sotomayor (colours) VC's Joe Caramagna (letters). We go from Hulkverine, the Hulk and Wolverine fighting each other to the three of them teaming up. Meanwhile the Leader and Doctor Alba, who created Hulkverine, do the super villain equivalent of what the three super heroes did. The result is going to be very interesting. This is the first I've seen of Guiu Vilanova's art and I think it's great.

 Ironheart #4 - Eve L. Ewing (writer) Luciano Vecchio (art) Geoffo (layouts) Matt Milla (colours) VC's Clayton Cowles (letters). It's a rematch with Midnight's Fire. This new super villain reminds me of Miles's uncle Aaron AKA the Prowler. I hope there isn't too much overlap between these two young super heroes, otherwise I will get bored with one of them.

 The Avant-Guards #3 - Carly Usdin (writer) Noah Hayes (art) Rebecca Nalty (colours) Ed Dukeshire (letters). The team has their first practice and play their first game. Major points to Noah for showing the players following through on their shots. I used to love playing basketball but never made my high school team. So I ended up managing both junior and senior teams and got to practice with them. I would love to find someone my own age to shoot some hoops with right now.

 Black Widow #3 - Jen & Sylvia Soska (writers) Flaviano (art) Veronica Gandini (colours) VC's Joe Caramagna (letters). Natasha's mission to shut down an online pay-per-view torture site goes horribly wrong. I can't wait to see how she gets out of this predicament.

 Sabrina the teenage witch #1 - Kelly Thompson (writer) Veronica Fish & Andy Fish (art) Jack Morelli (letters). This new comic book is more like the TV show than the gritty ghoulish title that was on the racks a while ago. I liked the old show but haven't seen the new one. I had a crush on Melissa Joan Hart. I really like the writing and art in this so it's going on my "must read" list.

 Dial H for Hero #1 - Sam Humphries (writer) Joe Quinones (art) Dave Sharpe (letters). I mainly bought Marvel comics when I got more spending money and could afford new comic books but I did buy this DC title because I liked the concept. Robby Reed was this nerdy kid who finds a rotary telephone dial that changed him into a different super hero whenever he dialled H-E-R-O. he always had different powers and a different costume. This updated version has a kid named Miguel who is an adrenaline junky. An old timey telephone, the whole thing with handset this time, appears before him as he's plummeting towards certain death and he changes into Monster Truck. The Monster Truck pages are quite Kirbyesque. Throw in a page with Damian/ Robin, Lobo, Snapper Carr, Angel and the Ape, Harley Quinn and Alfred and I am hooked. I liked the town troublemaker Summer too. I am looking forward to seeing their further adventures.

 Doctor Strange #12 - Mark Waid (writer) Barry Kitson (pencils) Scott Koblish (inks) Brian Reber (colours) VC's Cory Petit (letters). Herald Supreme part 1. Stephen Strange is bored but he won't be for long. An alien from a warrior race of mystics comes to Earth to ask Doctor Strange how he defeated Galactus. I guess there's no Marvel comics where this guy is from. Seems the world eater is fixing to eat his planet. The super aggressive Zoloz manages to steal all of Doc Strange's mystical power and banishes Galactus in the Mystic Realms. Read this issue to find out why that's a bad idea. Now it's up to Stephen to keep the big purple planet eater from feeding and destroying our universe too.

 Action Comics #1009 - Brian Michael Bendis (writer) Steve Epting (art) Brad Anderson (colours) Rob Leigh (letters). Leviathan Rising part 3. Lois is pissed at Amanda Waller but she reigns in her anger to come up with a plan to find out what Leviathan is. We get to see what Gold Kryptonite does, which is kind of cool. It's fun when something new gets added to a story. Superman's transformation surprised me.

 Sharkey the bounty hunter #2 - Mark Millar (writer) Simone Bianchi (art & colours) Peter Doherty (letters). This one's a fun space romp. The hunter finds his prey but she's not going to come along quietly.

 The Superior Spider-Man #4 - Christos Gage (writer) Mike Hawthorne (pencils) Wade von Grawbadger (inks) Jordie Bellaire (colours) VC's Clayton Cowles (letters). I hope this change is permanent but it's going to take some getting used to calling Otto but his new identity Elliot. I like how Anna Maria is the woman behind the man. She teaches him a lesson in humility in this issue. Now I have a craving for Polish sausage.

 Shazam #4 - Geoff Johns (writer) Dale Eaglesham & Marco Santucci (art) Mike Atiyeh (colours) Rob Leigh (letters). Yay, my wish came true. We meet Tawky Tawny the tiger in the first 6 pages. This version is quite dapper. The kids get separated with two in the Wildlands, two in the Gamelands and Mary and Billy in the Funlands, contrary to what the cover shows. Who's going to rescue the Marvel Family? The last page will enlighten you. I'm not excited about the movie hitting theatres on April 5 but if it's as good as this comic book, I might go see it.

 Fantastic Four #8 - Dan Slott (writer) Aaron Kuder, Stefano Caselli, David Marquez & Reilly Brown (art) Matt Yackey (colours) VC's Joe Caramagna (letters). Did someone forget to tell cover artist Esad Ribic that Victorious was female? Doctor Doom has captured both Galactus and the Fantastic Four. He's siphoning off the former's cosmic power and is going to execute the latter. Reed, Sue, Ben and Johnny are sure in a pickle. I can't wait to see how they get out of it.

 The Amazing Spider-Man #18 - Nick Spencer (writer) Humberto Ramos (pencils) Victor Olazaba (inks) Edgar Delgado & Erick Arciniega (colours) VC's Joe Caramagna (letters). Hunted part 2. There's a spectre of danger hovering over Mary Jane in the side story. That's always a good plot twist to keep a Spider-Man fan hooked.

 Daredevil #3 - Chip Zdarsky (writer) Marco Checchetto (art) Sunny Gho (colours) VC's Clayton Cowles (letters). Know Fear part 3. Daredevil's been shot and is about to be arrested for murder. Detective Cole North aims to bring the suspect in no matter what it takes. I wonder if Canadian Chip Zdarsky picked that name as an inside joke? Just when the "tough-as-nails" ex-Chicago cop is about to succeed, Daredevil is rescued. I chuckled when I saw who it was, and it's not Man-Thing.

 Detective Comics #1000 - Is this worth $9.99 US? You bet your sweet bippy it is. I might even buy one for myself, but which cover to pick? Here are the choices.

 Main cover by Jim Lee (pencils) Scott Williams (inks) & Alex Sinclair (colours)

1930s by Steve Rude (art)

1940s by Bruce Timm (art)

1950s by Michael Cho (art)

1960s by Jim Steranko (art)

1970s by Bernie Wrightson (art) & Alex Sinclair (colours)

1980s by Frank Miller (art) & Alex Sinclair (colours)

1990s by Tim Sale (art) & Brennan Wagner (colours)

2000s by Jock (art)

2010s by Greg Capullo (art) & FCO Plascencia (colours)

 We get 3 pin-ups by:

Mikel Janin (art)

Jason Fabok (art) & Brad Anderson (colours)

Amanda Conner (art) & Paul Mounts (colours)

 Then there's all the terrific stories inside that not only shows Batman as a crime fighter but more importantly for this title as a consummate crime solver. You will find all of Batman's family and rogues gallery in here. I loved how this issue was a feast for the eyes too. I'm just going to list the titles of the stories and their creative teams. If you don't buy a copy for your comic book collection then you're missing out on what will be a classic. With a line up like this you can't lose.

 Longest Case by Scott Snyder (writer) Greg Capullo (pencils) Jonathan Glapion (inks) FCO Plascencia (colours) & Tom Napolitano (letters).

Manufacture for Use by Kevin Smith (writer) Jim Lee (pencils) Scott Williams (inks) & Alex Sinclair (colours) & Todd Klein (letters).

The Legend of Knute Brody by Paul Dini (writer) Dustin Nguyen (pencils) Derek Fridolfs (inks) John Kalisz (colours) & Steve Wands (letters).

The Batman's Design by Warren Ellis (writer) Becky Cloonan (art) Jordie Bellaire (colours) & Simon Bowland (letters).

Return to Crime Alley by Denny O'Neil (writer) Steve Epting (art) Elizabeth Breitweiser (colours) & AndWorld Design (letters).

Heretic by Christopher Priest (writer) Neal Adams (art) Dave Stewart (colours) & Willie Schubert (letters).

I Know by Brian Michael Bendis (writer) Alex Maleev (art & colours) & Josh Reed (letters).

The Last Crime in Gotham by Geoff Johns (writer) Kelley Jones (art) Michelle Madsen (colours) Rob Leigh (letters).

The Precedent by James Tynion IV (writer) Alvaro Martinez-Bueno (pencils) Raul Fernandez (inks) Brad Anderson (colours) & Sal Cipriano (letters).

Batman's Greatest Case by Tom King (writer) Tony S. Daniel & Joelle Jones (art) Tomeu Morey (colours) & Clayton Cowles (letters).

And finally Medieval by Peter J. Tomasi (writer) Doug Mahnke (pencils) Jaime Mendoza & Doug Mahnke (inks) David Baron (colours) & Rob Leigh (letters).

 That last story introduces a new (at least to me) Gotham City crime fighter named the Arkham Knight. His story continues in Detective Comics #1001 and I'm going to snag that issue off the racks to find out who he is.

[extraposts23]

Female fighter. Dont reblog.

It seems like an offense to women to not use their skills. For instance, Katrina Law has experience in dancing and has a black belt in Tae Kwon Do, Muay Tai and Krav Maga. She is capable of learning the fight choreography that they need her to do. Katie Cassidy has also proven herself capable of learning the fight choreography they have had her do.

The fights for women are hardly ever well choreographed and when they are they are always shown as being less brutal as the men. Why is it that only men are allowed to have brutal fights with Oliver/Green Arrow? Women can be just as brutal as men. Yet they show Nyssa as nothing more than a baton twirling ballerina. That is offensive. Edit: Another point by someone else.

Apparently, the idea of having a woman as a the main villain would then bring about the theory that it would turn into Oliver being a woman beater as if he has not beaten woman on the show before. Apparently, the idea that having a woman win or be the big bad would result in us thinking that Oliver is a woman beater? It's not always cut and dry plus if they had numerous female villains then you guys will complain he's a women beater.[these sentences are the same] But the fact that he has already defeated the various female bad guys; low-level women on the show does not count as him beating on women? How is it any different? And the fact that Oliver in the comics seemingly does not have female bad guys; big bads ( correct me if I’m wrong I believe he does and could have been used. Or used his low-level female bads as big bads in the show) is a reason to not have a female big bad in the show. As if the show has not stolen characters from Batman, so they cannot use some of other characters as big bads?

Thea – Was not a fighter, to begin with but yet after a few months with Merlyn is all the sudden a martial arts expert. Capable of taking on and very nearly besting Merlyn. She defeated Anarchy, who beat Oliver twice. Apparently, because she is the daughter of Merlyn and the sister of Oliver she is an MA expert or at least now portrayed as one. She even beat Oliver arguably, since he was attempting to teach her, lecture her. And she had Blood lust.

Shado - Was the daughter of Yao Fei who was a Martial arts expert. She was also an expert capable of wiping the floor with Slade. With no explanation of how she became that aside from that she is Yao Fei's daughter and that he taught her. But what happened to this badass female, martial arts fighter? She was killed off because we cannot have a woman, who was clearly the only one at Oliver's present day level, who can beat Oliver. Certainly not a woman. She was killed off to further some lame “choice” story arc for the supposed hero.

Dinah Laurel Lance– (One of the worst offenses of the show given who her character is supposed to be. She is Dinah Laurel Lance aka the Black Canary). One of the best fighters in the DC universe, but has been dumbed down and reduced in skill. I say that because she is supposed to be Black Canary. Oliver’s partner. Not talking about having to be a love interest. Talking about being his crime fighting partner and equal. That is the character. She was clearly shown to be able to fight in S1-2, capable of throwing a punch and taking down men with swift efficient moves but gets dumbed down to the point where she cannot even know how to do that anymore. To the point where she needs to learn how to throw a punch. Now it has been said that self-defense classes are not enough to be able to survive on the streets. Okay, but she was clearly adept enough to fight in self-defense in the first place. So instead of simply adding on to that skill she already had. Instead of having WildCat add to those skills, hone them and make her into the Martial Arts badass that she should be she gets reduced in skill. Supposedly they did it, took away that skill because they wanted it to look real. She gets reduced in skill to a weak woman who cannot fight at all. It has also been said that her body type the character and actress means that she should not be able to be that good.

For one thing Thea is just as petite and thin as her, and Thea was trained by Merlyn and Oliver; later on. Yet Thea is shown to use many badass moves and take down goons bigger than her but gets no crap for that. Secondly, Shado is also just as thin and petite. Shado wiped the floor with Slade; a man twice her size. She is also treated like she has no right to fight for her city. As if only Oliver is allowed to fight for the City. Then bitches to her that she needs more training. But refuses to actually train her!

Sara- Who has far more actual fight training than Oliver, nonstop training via the League of Assassins. As opposed to his ridiculous globe hopping non training. She who should be his equal (because of the way her fighting is portrayed, her training. Nothing to do with the who is the better Black Canary.) of not his better, can't be allowed to beat him. Even in the tie in comic 2.5, she beat him in a fight but that is never actually acknowledged on the show. She can beat Merlyn, after 2 extra years of training with Ra's Al Ghul himself. But cannot beat Oliver? The fact that she was mind controlled via the Dominators should have made Sara more dangerous, harder to defeat. In the crossover when she was mind controlled she logically should have been even more difficult to beat.

Cupid- She bested Oliver in season two, arguably, because she technically got him down and had him handcuffed to a train rail. But yet this is brushed off as he was holding back or he still won the fight. Even though she did beat him canonically. So if that is true.

If a former member of the Swat team can is allowed to beat Oliver but Nyssa; a lifetime member of the LOA, trained since birth cannot be allowed to beat him once? However, if it is not true that she beat him then it simply serves to prove that no woman has been allowed to beat the white male hero. (You don’t need parentheses only use them in a quote not to emphasize something same with uppercase.)

Huntress- Another in S1, possibly S2, that has sort of come close to being able to defeat Oliver. Or rather being on his level. But she was written off, and her skills yet again being brushed off as being emotional, or not thinking clearly or reckless. Also got treated like she has no idea what killing is, even though she went on a murder spree with both the triad and her father's family. But only Oliver knows what killing means because he has killed. As if the people he killed were more important, rather that he was killing it was more important.

China White- The only woman we have ever gotten closest to beating Oliver in a fight. Though technically tying him. She was also not allowed to beat him. Even though she clearly had some sort of natural skill.

Katana/Tatsu Yamishiro- To an extent. In Season 3 she was shown to be a badass swords woman. Also in the comics, she is an expert martial artist. But when it came time for the team to escape in S3 in Nanda Parbat, they reduced her to having to have Flash rescue her and then she simply walks away to disappear after killing her husband. They shoehorned her in the Flash rescuing the team in Nanda Parbat simply to have a small crossover that really served no purpose, it made zero sense for the reason that Flash is the fastest man alive and could deal with the entire situation in a few minutes if not seconds; Save the team, stop Ra's and stop the whole league. Plus the show has always prided itself on being grounded, and the fact that there was, in fact, a deleted scene of Katana escaping herself. Kicking the crap out of the League members and saving the team. A scene that would have made more sense given the grounded theme of the show and not have to have a shoehorned Flash scene. They reduced her to needing to be saved when she should have been able to escape herself.

Add link.

Nyssa Raatko Al Ghul - One of the two worst offenses in the show. A lesbian woman. A woman who has clearly been shown to have been training since she was a child. Trained by Ra's Al Ghul, her own admission in S3 episode 4. Trained to torture, however being the Heir to the Demon I really doubt that is the only thing her father taught her or even that he only had her train with one master/mentor.

In the Arrow dossier book that was released recently, it is stated that she trained Sara, so I would think that a lot of the moves that Sara knows Nyssa knows. But we have never seen that. Every time we have seen Nyssa fight it’s no more than a baton twirler. She has been regulated to nothing more than a baton twirling ballerina. Which could be construed as insulting to some women, because that is saying that women can not be that good, or rather that we can not be as good as men.

We have seen brutal fights between Oliver and the male villains but hardly ever between the women and him, most especially him and Nyssa. When she was introduced in S2 it was stated that her skills were supposed to be well matched to Oliver. Yet we never got to see that. She only landed maybe one or two punches and that was it. Yet when he fights the men it always lasts longer and is more brutal. She fended off both Merlyn and Oliver the two best fighters on the show at the same time. But this was brushed off as Oliver was holding back and not going in for the kill. She defeated Merlyn himself in S3 brushed off as everyone has done that, alone; a man that Oliver lost to twice. This was before Oliver was even trained by the League. Now granted the actual fight was a bit lame; bad choreography. However, it canonically happened. She defeated Merlyn and held off Oliver and Merlyn at the same time, and before Merlyn intervened she had the upper hand. but between S2 and 3 she cannot be allowed to beat Oliver once?

She even held her own in the male fight or group fight before she is literally dragged away to be the stand in Talia. Then in the latter half of season three, she gets beat by Oliver/Al Sah-him just so she can be used as a stand in Talia for the blatant Batman Bride/Son of the Demon story ripoff. What is even more horrible about the treatment of Nyssa and her fighting is that they have basically made it that women are weak and emotional and cannot win the fight because of that. Then to make matters worse Nyssa escapes a dungeon she herself admitted she got herself into. At least she can admit to and take the consequences, which is more than can be said of the white hero who walked away after S3 like he had done nothing wrong. then she goes to Oliver and asks her husband for help? All we hear throughout this episode is I cannot beat him and you cannot beat me and you cannot beat him. Nyssa is literally reduced to needing a big strong man/husband to fight for her. A woman is reduced to needing a big strong man to fight her battles for her. Disgusting and sexist. As if a woman cannot be allowed to defeat her own enemy. One she sparred with before and held her own against.

Now it was stated that she had been starved or malnourished in the cell. However, Nyssa herself was the one turning away the food. It is also stated that or explained that she could not defeat Merlyn because of the fact that he had been using the Lazarus Pit because it made him stronger. That doesn't match up with Oliver being able to defeat Ra's as he had been using the Pit for decades, nor should he have been able to defeat Merlyn for the same reason. Instead of letting a lesbian Asian woman( Just say Asian) fight and win her own battles, no we get the white male, husband, and hero taking over and fighting in the place of the weak woman. All for the sake of that he is the hero and too horribly parallel the season one rooftop fight between Merlyn and Oliver.

It was not even a fight Oliver hit him like once or twice and Merlyn went down. They ripped away Nyssa's agency for a crappy attempt at a season one fight rehash. Then after Nyssa becomes after this, instant friends with Oliver, a man who is responsible for the majority of what happened to her. A man who has never shown her any kind of respect.

Now if they are stating that Shado has that level of skill because she is Yao Fei's daughter, and Thea is supposedly that good because she is Oliver's sister and Merlyn's daughter. Then why not have Nyssa be that good since she is Ra's Al Ghul's daughter? Why can’t she be allowed to have that same natural skill? Again her personality and skills are brushed off as being reckless, naive, and with a lot to learn. Her defeat of Merlyn is also brushed off as it’s not that big of a deal since Thea did it, but the fact that Oliver sort of did it is, in fact, a big deal. It’s only a thing if Oliver does it but if a woman does then it’s nothing.

I would like to point out that both Nyssa and Laurel; two women who were considered emotional and reckless, were clear headed enough to see that Thea was not the one responsible for Sara's death. And neither took revenge on her, even though Oliver thought that both emotional women would. Laurel went after Merlyn, the one rightfully responsible, even though she couldn't beat him. Point being she went after the one truly to blame. All the while Oliver put his own personal issues in the way, his ego. When going to rescue a mass murderer, because he could not stand that someone beat him!

Her losses are also brushed off as she is not really a villain. when people are confronted with the fact that she is, in fact, the closest thing to a high-level female villain we have ever gotten. She may be a guest character but so was The Huntress and China White. They were the closest to being the ones to actually beat Oliver. I state this because it was season one and two and that was as close as a brutal fight as we have ever gotten with women. She is a guest star, but so is Merlyn, even in S1 regardless of the fact that he turned out to be the big bad. He was a guest star. All the characters are guest stars! Merlyn I believe it was is when a villain became a regular. Nyssa has been back plenty of times and could very well have been shown to have brutal fights.

Someone once said that it; “Would have been stupid for Oliver’s character to lose to Ra’s daughter” (If this is a direct quote then it needs a source if not then remove the parentheses and the quote doesn't fit with your paragraph. I think you mean something other than what you say. Since he was going to be the Batman stand in Heir to the Demon. Why? Ra’s did not care about Oliver until Nyssa came back to the LOA and told Ra’s that Oliver was protecting Merlyn. He may have been on Ra’s’ radar but in no way did he care. In season 2 Ra’s agenda was only for Sara to return. Since the LOA thought Merlyn was dead until Moria told them otherwise. Ra’s still did not care about Oliver until after the duel because of a prophecy that is utterly illogical. So how would Nyssa defeating Oliver in season 2 or once in the beginning half of season 3 where Ra’s never even cared about Oliver have been stupid?

Edit: Adding the fact that Arrow completely took away Nyssa’s agency in her return during season four. The fight that happened between Oliver and Merlyn should have been between Nyssa and Merlyn. For all the shit that The 100 got for killing off Lexa; the killing your gays trope. They did do one thing right, one thing that Arrow failed at. They gave Lexa agency in her fight with Roan. She specifically states; “I am commander and no one fights for me.”. (needs a source.) Knowing full well she might not be good enough and may die. The writers let her fight her own battle. Arrow went the sexist route and had Nyssa’s big strong husband step in to fight for his weak wife/woman. Making a woman look weak and unable to win her own battles.

All for the sake of that moronic attempt to parallel the season one fight between Oliver and Merlyn; and failing miserably at it. That even takes into account the fact that by letting Oliver fight for her Nyssa would not have really earned the title and probably no one would be loyal to her for that reason. Instead of giving Nyssa the ability to defeat Merlyn, the same natural skill that Oliver has, or even allowing her to have gotten better and then be able to fight and win against either of them. They went the sexist route and made her need a big strong man to help her.

Edit: new point brought by someone else. Apparently, Nyssa could not have been allowed to fight and win her own battles because Oliver is the hero. Apparently, allowing a woman fighter agency, allowing a woman to win for a change would do nothing for the show.

As if they the writers could not come up with a way to have Nyssa and Oliver team up against Merlyn or have Nyssa get The Lotus with Oliver. That it absolutely had to happen the way it did in the episode because it had to be Oliver the one to fight Merlyn and make Nyssa look weak. Apparently, her looking weak, her needing her big strong husband was needed, was necessary in order to keep Merlyn, an overused character around a bit longer.

A character that really serves no purpose throughout the rest of the show. Everything that he has told them could have been learned from Nyssa, a woman who grew up in the LOA. As if keeping Merlyn around for no reason other than the fact that he is played by John Barrowman is a nonsense reason that in no way furthers the story or Oliver. Because the character serves no purpose on the show anymore. He lost his purpose in season three. Edit: Also see the post on the fact that she is not actually Nyssa but in fact Talia.

Edit: ( might be repeating myself) It is stated that, by some fans who love Nyssa and by some who like her and agree that she should be more of a struggle for Oliver in a fight, that the reason that she has lost repeatedly is that she is grieving for Sara, or that she loves Sara so much that she was distracted by it in her in the episode. But can we not see her overcome that? Can we not see her return a better fighter and be able to keep emotions out of it? Because by using that as in excuse it plays into that women are simply emotional and cannot be good fighters because of it. Oliver actually states that in season four to Thea some lecture about men being better fighters being able to keep feelings out of it. Then later Thea is capable of doing so. So why can’t Laurel and Nyssa? Especially if their intent was to make Laurel into her comic counterpart who is a fantastic fighter.

Now Flash did what Arrow was utterly incapable of doing in regards to two villain fighters. They did it with gorillas! The Flash was not part of the actual fight at all. That proves that you can have two side characters fight and not have the main character involved in the fight. But Nyssa can’t be allowed to fight Merlyn and win because Oliver has to be involved.

Nyssa now recently was brought back to ( get this ) fight her sister. In S5 finale. She was actually allowed to fight her own battle ( perhaps a bone tossed at the fans who were upset that she was not allowed to fight her own battle in S4. However note that the person she is allowed to fight on her own is a woman. Also a off hand comment upon returning to the group in S5 when speaking to Merlyn that he “ would try” to cut her throat. But yet no actual fight allowed to happen to prove that off hand hinted comment.

Black Siren- Who in Flash was capable of defeating Flash. She had some martial arts skills. And her powers were extremely powerful and destructive. She is capable of leveling buildings and making ears bleed. It’s stated in Flash that had she kept it up she could have killed Flash. Yet in Arrow, her powers are reduced. Oliver and Felicity survive a close-up attack of her powers with no protection when earlier Curtis himself states that their ear protection is useless. In other words, there is no way that Oliver or Felicity should have survived that, or at least gotten away with no hearing loss. Where was the bleeding of the ears in Arrow? Then when the new Canary shows up? Dinah Drake ( not talking about her character only her powers), her cry is more powerful? They reduced Black Siren's powers in order to make The Arrow look good.

Talia Al Ghul- Now possibly the second worse  female character treated on this show. She is the older sister of Nyssa in this universe. She canonically ( said only, not shown) trained Oliver and the Season 6  villain Prometheus. Also trained by her father Ra's Al ghul . She should we would think be on level with Merlyn or even Oliver. But she was also nerfed in skill. None of these fighting skills she supposedly taught Oliver were ever portrayed. In fact the opposite. She was used for speech only. And the ONLY fight she was for a viewer bait sister fight. And a ridiculously horrible choreographed one at that. This supposed badass female fighter goes down in one or two hits. And that is legit the end of her fighting in the show as of her introduction.

Oliver- Was only trained by Slade for a few months between S1-2, Shado's words. Trained by Shado with the bow before she is killed off. Slade went insane. Yao Fei only taught Oliver that he needed to kill to survive on the island. Nothing more, because he was working ( unwillingly) with the bad guys for the majority of the season, then was killed off. Then Maseo never taught him anything because he was more concerned about keeping Oliver in line and protecting his family. Tatsu hated his guts and only taught him that breathing technique. This is all proven via S3 -4 and now S5 fights. Oliver has gotten his butt kicked by a martial arts guy in a market place in S3. Now if he was trained by Maseo then that guy would never had been an issue. Even Maseo repeatedly kicking the crap out of Oliver for attempting escape.

Had Oliver been extensively trained by Shado or Yao Fei then Maseo would never have been an issue. Then in S4 Oliver gets his ass handed to him by a petty drug dealer. Literally thrown off a building by said drug dealer. As bad as it was to Oliver die hards, it canonically happened. I.E he was not trained very well and if he was trained extensively then he is clearly not as good as people think. Then gets stabbed by Conklin in S4, defeats him but the guy was the same level as Oliver. and Oliver was wounded. Oliver only ever uses the same neck snap move over and over again as if that is the only move he knows. Then most importantly. In S5; the final year of Oliver's journey, Oliver is facing off against Russian thugs. Russian thugs who clearly have no martial skills that we have seen. These guys are literally just throwing nothing more than boxing punches, and lifting Oliver off the ground and slamming him on the ground like WWE people. Even Kovar ( the main flash back baddie.) is not even any kind of special fighter, he is a boxer. And he wiped the floor with Oliver; a man who was supposedly extensively trained by Yao fei, Shado, Slade and Maseo in fighting.

Now if Oliver was then these Russian guys, this Kovar would be nothing. A guy literally walked up behind Oliver and hit him over the head with a gun. Where were the heightened senses? He got gang beat by some Russian guys who did nothing but throw him to the ground and repeatedly kick him. Where was his extensive training then? Oliver walked into a trap in an alleyway and the same thing happened. They threw him up against a wall and then the ground and he got beat up. Where was the fight skill then? The supposed natural skill. Plus Sara, Oliver, Maseo, Merlyn, and Al Owal; all were given brutal, LOA style fighting that proves how great they are. Nyssa has not been given that courtesy.

And now they, the writers/EPs are bringing in Talia Al Ghul or should we say the real Nyssa since they have flipped the back stories. Further proof that they have used Nyssa as a stand in Talia. That they have simply made her Talia. To be Oliver's Flash Back Russian trainer. He will be trained by a former member of the LOA. A woman who is decades old and a warrior, clearly if they are having her train him to fight. So essentially Talia will have given Oliver LOA training, possibly, and he will have then lost to Merlyln later on in S1. Or possibly she will have only taught him some acrobatic moves since in S5 Prometheus used a flip that Oliver learned from Talia. In other words, they are scrambling to explain how Olivier became oh so good in the present since they have failed to explain that in the last 2 seasons.

Add more female characters if can think of any.

What is interesting is that Anarchy, a man beat Oliver twice. We have no idea where he got his skill from, his fighting. Now if we are talking about some people being better than others, having natural skill, then anarchy's defeat of Oliver should have never been questioned. It should have been accepted as someone having natural Skill and simply being better than the hero. However, it was fixed quickly. Why, because die-hard Oliver fans complained that this guy cannot be allowed to beat Oliver; a man who was trained by Ra's and the LOA, Oliver beat Ra's, Oliver has X amount of years of experience and training. Then the actor has a talk with the Eps and the next time we see the two together Oliver throws him into a wall or some such like Oliver is on steroids. This is interesting to me because the Stunt Coordinator James Bamford went so far as to state that some people are just better than others. I mean Anarchy's fighting could very well be construed as natural skill. It’s interesting that when it involves a man's fighting and losing, then if people complain then it’s adjusted and fixed because we cannot have a man/hero lose. But when it concerns a woman, then it is simply brushed off as she cannot possibly be that good. Or that she is simply not on that level.

I would like to point out that a few of these women have also faced off against Slades Mirakuru soldiers. It was not just Oliver that did that. Nyssa, Sara and arguably Laurel. In fact given Sara's LOA background she should have been able to hold her ground against Super Slade; in the lair when Oliver fights with her escrima sticks. Given that she has way more training than him.

The only ones on the show who have been canonically allowed to beat Oliver have always been men; Slade, Merlyn, Damien Darhk, Ra's and Prometheus.

S1 - Merlyn.

S2 - Slade Wilson.

S3 - Ra's Al Ghul. (For a unoriginal batman ripoff.)

S4 - Damien Darhk.

S5 - Prometheus.

Even the Flash. Though I would like to state that it is about time they acknowledged this fact. There is no way that Oliver would have defeated Flash. There were a few instances where Oliver would have lost both his arms in that first fight, dislocation or broken.

It was stated in the S5 crossover that Flash has in fact canonically beat Oliver. The following. Oliver Queen AkA Green Arrow has canonically lost to the Flash in a fight. He never once beat Flash. The first fight in the S3 crossover was a tie. The second fight when Oliver challenged him to see who would win, Oliver lost.

As per the S5 crossover bar scene. Legends episode 2x07   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cCp82DaAfPg 

Oliver: “I’m just saying next time I’m going to get you.”

Barry: “I’m just saying I beat you twice.”

Oliver: “The first was a tie.”

Barry, while smirking : “ And the second?”

Oliver: “There were no witnesses.”

The closest thing we have ever gotten to a high-level female villain has been Nyssa. Being the daughter of the demon. But she was simply not allowed to be on their level because she is a woman and emotional. It is also worth noting that in S6 currently we have yet again a male big bad, a man by the name of Richard Dragon. All this after the Eps claim they were all for a female big bad and were planning one.

We could have had one or two female main Villains.

Nyssa is an obvious one; They could have actually adapted Nyssa’s comic storyline, leaving out the craziness. Hell Sara was dating the daughter of the demon, the heir they could have gone with that she was dating Ra’s herself. Instead of running from Ra’s and the LOA; leaving behind the daughter, it could have been Sara running from the girlfriend who was the leader. Actually made her more like her comic counterpart. Perhaps instead of ripping off and copying The Bride of the Demon storyline. They could have had Ra’s and Oliver team up against Nyssa since the writers were already adamant about ripping off Batman’s story or have Nyssa be the main big bad and only keep the allusion to Ra’s, have her be the second in command. Or last and even better have her be Ra’s like her comic counterpart, and Oliver had to face and defeat her, and kept the crazy bit and left out the part about her being a lesbian. (I only say that; her not being a lesbian in this situation, as a way to make her the bad guy without doing the crazy lesbian trope like they did on Battlestar Galactica.)

Talia that they are bringing in(Reword this and update it as the season has ended.), granted it’s possible that she will turn out to be the one behind or rather responsible for Prometheus, maybe manipulating whoever Prometheus really is into fighting Oliver, using X person’s rage. Maybe to get back at Oliver for Ra’s death. In which case it will be a rip off of The Dark Knight Rises.

There is also Shado they could have used instead of using her, a badass fighter, as a prop to fulfill some lame “choice” arc to then make Slade go crazy. All they had to do was leave out the “rape” part of her Arrow comic story.

China White a main bad guy.

Huntress a main bad guy. There are female villains, in Huntress situation, a comic anti hero perhaps, but a villain on the show. It could have been done but they refused to try.

Isabel Rochev (need more on her)

They could have used Slade’s daughter, the real ravager.

Actually made Waller a main threat. Imagine Oliver having to face off against the Wall as a main bad guy. Take everything they tried to do in the flashbacks with her and him and put it in the present. Added into that the stuff with her and him in the present. No woman has been allowed to defeat Oliver. Because the trend has always been women are weaker than men in fighting. It has also been stated that he has to win because he is the title character, or because he is the hero.

That is nonsense. Because Flash and Supergirl has also constantly lost fights to lesser level villains. It has nothing to do with being the title character. Even Daredevil on Netflix has lost to lesser/lower level villains or rather been bested for a time. He even lost a sparring match to Electra.

Supergirl lost to:

Voltrox.

Banshee.

She lost to the alien in the fight ring.

Sort of against Bizzaro.

Sort of to Indigo.

Alex if you think of her as the bad guy when she was controlled, and she wiped the floor with Supergirl in training and she is not the main.

Flash has lost to:

Cold and Heatwave. (When they tag teamed him)

Cold by himself.

Girder. (The steel guy.)

Cold, Heatwave, Weather Wizard, and Deathbolt. (When They tag teamed him.) All of those being low-level villains.

In conclusion, the writers have used women as fools and weaklings. Their inability to fight is either brushed off as them being not as good,  Not on the others level or not having natural skills (you don’t need parentheses). Or if a woman like Nyssa or China White gets close to beating Oliver it gets brushed off again as he was not trying or he was holding back or it was a fluke. In the case of Nyssa and even Laurel, its brushed off as simply a woman who is emotional. As if women cannot be as good as or better than a man because they are weaker and emotional. Which is the repeated trend on Arrow. Not to mention sexist. Further proof is that we have never been given a female villain, big bad female villain. We have never seen a woman be able to defeat Oliver and there be nothing he can do about it. Like with Ra's. Oliver lost to him twice, technically 3 times since that last battle was ridiculous since Oliver was on his knees and beaten, and only defeated Ra's by using the same trick that he used on him. Oliver admitted that he couldn't beat Ra's. But then with the power of love managed to use the same trick on him.

[gokinjeespot]

Monday, January 16, 2017

 We had a beautiful sunny weekend here in Ottawa and the Rideau Canal Skateway opened for the first time this winter. I went for a walk in the sun and then finished up the first volume of the two volume Strangers in Paradise Omnibus by Terry Moore which my partner Chris let me borrow. I read the story as floppies but it was very nice to re-read the story about the volcanic relationship between Francine and Katchoo again. I highly recommend any comic book that Terry does.

 Scarlet Witch #14 - James Robinson (writer) Shawn Crystal (art) Chris Brunner (colours) VC's Cory Petit (letters). Wanda's journey along the Witch's Road finally comes to an end with the expected result of witchcraft being cured. It's neat that Shawn's art pays homage to Steve Ditko's Doctor Strange dimensional vistas but why is Agatha Harkness young looking now?

 Unworthy Thor #3 - Jason Aaron (writer) Kim Jacinto & Olivier Coipel (art) Matthew Wilson (colours) VC's Joe Sabino (letters). The Collector's hammer is being sought by many. The Odinson wants it and so does Thanos. My money is on U-Thor and his companions getting their hands on it in the end.

 Amazing Spider-Man Renew Your Vows #3 - Gerry Conway (writer) Ryan Stegman (art) Sonia Oback (colours) VC's Joe Caramagna (letters). This issue features Anna May Parker in and out of costume. Gerry must watch a lot of Nickelodeon to make his kids sound so authentic. Annie is young, foolish and hot-headed which makes for some interesting situations. This is a fun book that I think more fans should be reading.

 Justice League/Power Rangers #1 - Tom Taylor (writer) Stephen Byrne (art & colours) Deron Bennett (letters). I don't read either of these teams' comic books but I like Tom's writing so I picked this up to see what he could do with these characters. I have no clue what the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers are about but they seem like a decent bunch. The story is pretty basic with an accidental interdimensional hop including a super villain. If you like the Batman and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle team up you'll enjoy this too.

 Moonshine #4 - Brian Azzarello (writer) Eduardo Risso (art & colours) Jared H. Fletcher (letters). If the creature doesn't make you howl then Tempest will by the time you get to the end of this issue. I did not see that coming.

 Daredevil #15 - Charles Soule (writer) Goran Sudzuka (art) Matt Milla (colours) VC's Clayton Cowles (letters). Here's something else I did not see coming. We have the return of one of Daredevil's arch enemies back from the dead. At least I think they died. It's hard to keep track.

 Action Comics #971 - Dan Jurgens (writer) Stephen Segovia (pencils) Art Thibert (inks) Arif Prianto (colours) Rob Leigh (letters). The trial of Lex Luthor takes a surprising turn and he and Superman are still not home free. Meanwhile back home, Lois and Jon are caught in a place where they shouldn't be by Clark Kent. It's going to be fun to see how mom and son explain their trespass.

 Groo: Fray of the Gods #4 - Sergio Aragones & Mark Evanier (writers) Sergio Aragones (art) Tom Luth (colours) Stan Sakai (letters). It's always distracting whenever the Minstrel appears in a Groo comic book because of the ever changing end of his instrument. This mini ends with much dining and fraying for Groo but the gods don't actually fight throughout this story. Oh well, what do you expect from a Groo comic?

 Uncanny Avengers #19 - Gerry Duggan (writer) Pepe Larraz with Rodrigo Zayas (art) Dono Sanchez Almara (colours) VC's Clayton Cowles (letters). Looks like the Red Skull has this team in his complete control but there is one hero left to come to the rescue. It's Gerry's homeboy Deadpool. Wade can't do it all alone so it's team up time. I like who he rustles up to help save the day.

 Wonder Woman #14 - Greg Rucka (writer) Nicola Scott (art) Romulo Fajardo Jr. (colours) Jodi Wynne (letters). This issue concludes "Year One" with a battle between Diana and Ares the God of War. One must suspend belief that Diana can fly all around the world carry Steve Trevor to stop the poison gas from being deployed. Maybe she got help from Santa Claus. I felt a little let down by Greg with that miracle move, but otherwise this story has been pretty good. Good enough for me to keep reading now that the first two storylines have ended.

 Red Sonja #1 - Amy Chu (writer) Carlos Gomez (art) Mohan (colours) Simon Bowland (letters). I hope you read the twenty-five cent #0 or you will be wondering how Sonja ends up in modern Manhattan. Amy solves the problem of Sonja speaking ancient Hyrkanian by introducing a handsome young police officer who sort of understands the language. This is quite similar to the Rebirth Wonder Woman book but different enough that a long time fan  like me still finds it worth reading.

 Occupy Avengers #3 - David F. Walker (writer) Carlos Pacheco (pencils) Rafael Fonteriz (inks) Sonia Oback with Wil Quintana (colours) VC's Clayton Cowles (letters). I'm not a fan of the title. I think comic book buyers have Avengers fatigue and would be more likely to buy this book if it was called Marvel Team-Up starring Hawkeye. I am enjoying it so far and would recommend it. Here we have Hawkeye and Red Wolf getting help from Nighthawk and his sidekick Deadly Nightshade to track down some shady cybernetics in Chicago. There are some surprise appearances at the end of this issue but they do make sense when you consider the evidence that Hawkeye brings to the search. Next issue should have some wahoo fun.

 Detective Comics #948 - James Tynion IV & Marguerite Bennett (writers) Ben Oliver (art) Marilyn Patrizio (letters). Batwoman Begins part one. This is a good primer to read before Kate's own book hits the racks next month. I hope DC doesn't screw it up again.

 Dr. Strange/The Punisher: Magic Bullets #2 - John Barber (writer) Jason Muhr (storyboards) Andrea Broccardo & Dominike "Domo" Stanton (art) Andres Mossa (colours) VC's Clayton Cowles (letters). I like Stephen and Frank and thought that the two of them teaming up would be fun but this story is turning into an unbelievable magical mystery tour with bad art. Shoot me now.

 Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #12 - Robert Venditti (writer) Ethan Van Sciver (art) Jason Wright (colours) Dave Sharpe (letters). Green and Yellow Lantern Corps combine to crush the Orange Corp. Larfleeze even helps. Ethan draws the best aliens.

 Jessica Jones #4 - Brian Michael Bendis (writer) Michael Gaydos (art) Matt Hollingsworth (colours) VC's Cory Petit (letters). The meeting with Captain Marvel explains a lot and made me decide to stick with this. I really hope Luke and Jessica's marriage doesn't suffer from what Jess has to do.

 Totally Awesome Hulk #14 - Greg Pak (writer) German Peralta (art) Jay David Ramos & Dono Sanchez Almara (colours) VC's Cory Petit (letters). The two part team up with Jeremy Lin ends, thank Thor. This one is great for the kiddies but I found it to be a bit silly.

 Ms. Marvel #14 - G. Willow Wilson (writer) Takeshi Miyazawa (art) Ian Herring (colours) VC's Joe Caramagna (letters). The World of Battlecraft fight to start off this issue was fun. Now that Bruno's gone (I miss him), Kamala has to figure out stuff on her own. Someone is stalking her but we don't know if he's good or evil. I'm guessing evil since he looks like the Green Goblin.

 Spider-Man/Deadpool #13 - Joe Kelly (writer) Ed McGuinness (pencils) Mark Morales, John Dell & Ed McGuinness (inks) Jason Keith (colours) VC's Joe Sabino (letters). It's an adventure in Weirdworld as the two heroes recover from their fight with Itsy Bitsy. I really like Joe's version of Wade with the soupcon of humanity.

 Guardians of the Galaxy #16 - Brian Michael Bendis (writer) Valerio Schiti (art) Richard Isanove (colours) VC's Cory Petit (letters). This issue is one long poem featuring everyone's favourite sentient one phrase tree. He is Groot. Some of the verses made my brain cringe however. I hope this isn't the last issue that Brian writes because I would hate to see his run end on a dissatisfying note.

 Justice League vs. Suicide Squad #4 - Joshua Williamson (writer) Fernando Pasarin (pencils) Matt Ryan (inks) Alex Sinclair with Jeremiah Skipper (colours) Rob Leigh (letters). Max Lord and his team of super villains break into Belle Reve Penitentiary to get the thing that he needs to take over the world. We haven't seen this artefact since that special cover from 1992. I wish I can remember how they beat that bad guy 25 years ago then I wouldn't have to read the last 2 issues of this mini.

 Inhumans vs. X-Men 2 - Jeff Lemire & Charles Soule (writers) Leinil Francis Yu (pencils) Gerry Alanguilan (inks) David Curiel (colours) VC's Clayton Cowles (letters). This war of the genetically enhanced seems to be contrived given what the Mutants' objective is in attacking Attilan, the home of the Inhumans. They couldn't just ask? I'm reading this because I love Leinil's art and it's still pretty exciting. Plus you never know what shocking "deaths" will claim the life of  some characters.

 Mighty Thor #15 - Jason Aaron (writer) Russell Dauterman (art) Matthew Wilson (colours) VC's Joe Sabino (letters). The Asgard/Shi'Ar War starts here. Don't know why the Shi'Ar are all up in arms but I'm sure we'll find out. Russell is back drawing the whole issue and that makes me very happy. Judging from the cover the Unworthy Thor could be involved and that makes me excited.

 Spider-Man #12 - Brian Michael Bendis (writer) Sara Pichelli (art) Gaetano Carlucci (inking assist) Justin Ponsor (colours) VC's Cory Petit (letters). It's interdimensional adventure time. Miles goes to another dimension to rescue his dad. There he meets Spider-Gwen as depicted on the cover. The kissy face must come later because this issue is all set up. This story crosses over with Spider-Gwen #16 and I like Miles so much that I will actually read that issue to see what happens next.

 All-New Wolverine #16 - Tom Taylor (writer) Nik Virella (art) Michael Garland (colours) VC's Cory Petit (letters). Laura's current predicament in Madripoor seems simple and boring until you get to the last page and BOOM, someone comes out of left field. Things just got less boring.