#phew this was a novel I'm sorry

[bedoballoons]

Request!!! If I may~ How will they propose? 💍 For Lyney, Xiao, Wanderer, Albedo, Cyno, Kazuha, Tighnari, Kazuha, Heizou, Wrio, Kaveh, Alhaitham~ (feel free to remove some characters or split it if its too much to do at once :3)

Currently in wedding mood and brainrotting about how will the proposal go. Aaaaa 🥰🥰

~🦊🐾✨️

I love writing wedding proposals, they just are so beautiful and full of love, I hope you enjoy! <3

P.s. I did cut out alot of them but I will most likely make a second part!

─⊰⁠⊹ฺ🍂𝔾𝕖𝕟𝕤𝕙𝕚𝕟 ℍ𝕖𝕒𝕕𝕔𝕒𝕟𝕠𝕟𝕤⊰⁠⊹ฺ🍂

{༻~Will you marry me?~༺}

CW: Very fluffy! (Pet names: Lyney: Mon amour, Albedo: My love, Wanderer: dummy, Kazuha: Butterfly)

(Includes: Lyney, Albedo, Xiao, Wanderer, and Kazuha!)

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

𑁍༄Lyney:

Lyney held up a card for you, but it wasn't like any of the others in his deck, in fact it wasn't even one you'd ever seen before, "Ooo did you get new cards Lyney? I thought I'd seen all your trick ones!" He chuckled softly, knowing full well that the card in your hands was not only one of his tricks...but also his whole heart, "This ones particularly special Mon amour, watch~"

You trained your eyes on the card, paying close attention as his hand waved over it, just like magic, the picture changed...showing nothing but a ring, a beautiful ruby ring. You weren't sure what it meant, if this was a trick of the eyes...or possibly a moment you'd been dreaming of, "Lyney-"

"What do you say? Care to spend forever together? Cause...I know I want to. I want to spend every single day with you." The magician smiled at you sweetly, you felt like your heart might explode, tears welling up in your eyes. There wasn't any other option, "Yes! Of course yes!"

"Phew, I was getting alittle worried." He pulled you close so he could kiss your cheek and before you could even open your eyes, he'd changed the card into the ring it had once shown.

𑁍༄Albedo:

"What are you up to my love?" Albedo sat down next to you, his arms wrapping around you almost automatically so he could pull you close and rest his chin on your shoulder. He just loved being so close to you, holding you and just watching whatever you were doing, it was almost like his way of studying what you liked.

"Just reading something. It's a love story and truthfully it reminds me of us." You leaned back into him, laying your head back so you could see his reaction...to your surprise...he had a slightly mischievous look.

"Do they? I suppose it isn't to difficult, our romance is truly out of a novel...do they happen to get married in the end?"

Your heart skipped a beat and suddenly you felt flustered, "Yes...why do you ask?"

"Just wondering if it's as accurate to our love story."

"But we arent-"

"Not yet, but if you say yes we could be~" He kissed your cheek as he reached into his pocket, retrieving a small black jewelry case.., "I promise it will be a happily ever after~"

𑁍༄Xiao:

"You arranged your teapot?!" You were in awe, unable to even form a coherent thought as you looked at the now beautifully decorated surroundings. Xiaos domain had originally never changed since he received his teapot, in fact he almost never used it as he preferred to sleep outside. He was originally going to give it to you...say you could build a home for the two of you to live together, but then something had changed his mind.

"I'm...sorry if it's not perfect. I was going to ask for help from the other adepti, but I decided I wanted it to be my own creation. My creation of the perfect spot for us..."

Your cheeks became dusted with a light pink as he spoke, he'd made the perfect spot for the both of you...and he'd done so in the perfect way. "Xiao I love it! We are going to live here together right! This will be our home!" You couldn't contain your excitement, you wanted to run into the home in the middle and squeal, but he seemed to have something else to say.

"Yes...but it's also more than that." He stepped closer to you, his hand gently intertwining with yours as he stared deeply into your eyes...he captivated your attention so easily when he did this, "I want this to be the place of our wedding. The place where we make our promise..."

"W-wedding??"

"Yes...if you will have me. I would like to marry you. Please?"

𑁍༄Wanderer:

"Can I open my eyes yet?" You groaned quietly, trying to peek through the cracks in Wanderers fingers as he lead you deeper into the forest, to a area you'd thought was off limits. You didn't know what had gotten into him, why he was so keen on making sure you couldn't see anything until he said so...why he seemed so absolutely and utterly nervous. He never got nervous, flustered maybe, but nervous? Maybe he was plotting something, "You're not trying to kill me are you?"

"What in teyvat are you talking about? If I wanted to kill you do you really think I'd go through the effort of bringing you here?"

"Maybe. Maybe I'd know if I could see where here is..."

"You can look in just a minute. Now shush and watch out for the branch at your feet."

"You said just a minute 5 minutes ago." You felt yourself wanting to roll your eyes, but to your delight he actually removed his hands so you could see...and it was anything but what you were expecting.

It was a miniature village, filled with creatures you'd only thought were in story books..and even crazier was the large cake they were grouped around. The letters were definitely wonky and some of the words weren't even spelled right, but it clearly read, "Will you marry me?" You spun around to meet Wanderers gaze and he simply smirked at you, "Answer my question dummy~"

𑁍༄Kazuha:

"Kazuha what is this place?" You gasped softly, taking in the vibrant hues of pink trees and the sweet smell of tea brewing, even the grass somehow held a magical feel due to its light blue tint. How this all could be in a cave was beyond your understanding, but of course it didn't surprise you, Kazuha had a way of finding the most beautiful hidden spots and he always enjoyed sharing them with you.

"It's one of the few places in Inazuma that I could come to after the decree had been set in place. It became a important part of my life, somewhere I could hide out and write my hymns and sorrows. Now I come back to show that the darkest part of my life has ended and is now replaced with the most bright and wonderful light. You of course being my light butterfly, I thought it only fitting to bring you here for this.."

Your eyes widened slightly, during his small speech he'd gotten more nervous...and then towards the end he seemed downright flustered, which was so different than his normally calm collected personality. "Bring me here for what?"

He smiled shyly at you, feeling like his heart might explode as he kneeled before you, retrieving the ring he had hand crafted for this very moment. He could tell you were beyond shocked and he hoped dearly that it was in a good way, "Will you marry me butterfly? I need my light in the dark...I cannot see any future without you..., every thought of the next day is centered around you and the love I can give you. Please, allow me to love you...forever and always."

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

ଘ(੭*ˊᵕˋ)੭* ੈ♡‧₊˚~Have a nice day~*⁠.⁠✧

[jensensfanfic]

sorry, i should have been more specific! i think the first one you listed (the one about the ferris wheel) is really wholesome! <3

TICKETS FOR KISSES

[gif is mine]

pairing: daniel larusso x gn!reader

warnings: kissing?

a/n: not sure yet how i feel about this, but i hope you like it! hasn't been proofread yet, so ignore any typos, etc, <3 also... the title... ???? anon's other ask/request here

—★•°°•☆°••°★•°°•☆°••°★—

"You wanna ride the ferris wheel with me?"

"I can't." You reach into your jeans pocket and pull out the inner fabric. "I'm all out."

Daniel raises his hand and waves around two tickets. "I got you."

"Well, alright then." You pinch one out of his hands and give it over to the ride attendant.

Daniel does the same and then extends his arm, gesturing for you to step ahead of him. "After you, m'lady."

The attendant rolls his eyes from where he's watching you with mild annoyance as you each take a seat.

As the ride starts to move, and you begin your first loop around, you pull out your phone. Holding it tightly, you open the camera app, glancing at Daniel. "Hey. Selfie?"

"Yeah, why not?" 

Daniel moves closer into the frame, and you snap a couple of shots. You can go through them and pick your favourite later. As you snap a few more, Daniel nudges you and whispers, "Can I kiss your cheek? For the… picture?"

"Uh… yeah, okay." 

Daniel gently pulls your face closer with one hand and plants the softest kiss against your skin. You snap a few more shots and notice that your face seems to be getting pinker. You're blushing.

"Uh-" You quickly lock your phone and slide it into the safety of your jacket zipper pocket. "Okay, that'll do."

"Hm." Daniel doesn't look away from you, and after a handful of minutes, it becomes impossible not to look back. He smiles. "So… I- um…" Daniel scratches the back of his neck and blows out a breath. "I wanted to ask you something?"

"Okay… what's up?"

"Well, um… I just noticed that lately we hang out, like, a lot. And it's been really nice, you know, getting to know you and just… being around you." Daniel's fingers walk over to yours, and he hesitates a little before covering your hand with his. "I really like being around you. I really like… you. And if you don't feel the same, that's fine, but I just wanted to ask… would you, um- would you wanna go out sometime?"

"Like a date?"

Daniel nods. Butterflies fill your stomach, and your heart pounds. It just so happens that the seat you're in on the ferris wheel stops at the very top in this very perfect moment. You turn your hand so that you can interlock your fingers with his. 

"Yes. Yeah, I'd love too."

"Okay… uh, great, ha." Daniel chuckles and wipes his brow, pretending like his brushing away sweat. "Phew."

You giggle and then decide to be brave. "Can I ask you something as well, then?"

"'Course."

"Will you kiss me?"

"A-are you sure?"

"I am."

"Really?"

"Yes, Danny. Now..." Your hands reach to grab his, and you guide them to your own jaw. He instinctively starts to caress your face with his thumbs. "Kiss me like we're in a romance novel."

Daniel wastes no time then, pulling you close and testing the waters by pecking your lips a couple of times. He pulls back a little, smiling at your closed eyes and tinted cheeks before moving in again. 

This time, his kiss is firmer, and you wrap your arms around his neck. You pull him closer, and boldness takes over as you nip at his lower lip. He pulls back in shock, grinning. "Wow, Y/N. I thought you -"

You chase his mouth, wanting more. "Yeah, wow, indeed. Now, come back here." 

You move to kiss him once more, but then the attendant is loudly clearing his throat, and you're jumping apart. "Shit. Sorry!" Neither of you had even noticed that the ferris wheel had begun to move again. 

The attendant sighs, then points over to the queue that has formed, shaking his head.

"Okay, we get it." You grab Daniel's hand and lift the bar, then hop out of the seat. "Sorry again."

You hastily move past the line of giggling teens and surprised parents. 

"I can't believe we didn't realise. Am I that good of a kisser?" Daniel winks, bumping your shoulder with his as you walk out into the middle of the funfair. 

"Uh, no." You spot the 'hook-a-duck' stand and start leading Daniel into that direction. "I think I was the better kisser. And I think as a reward, you should win me a giant plushy."

"Oh, really?" Daniel laughs, and then you pull his arm around your neck, wrapping your own around his waist. "So, um, does this mean we're like… you know?"

"What?" You tease. "I don't know."

Daniel sighs, then leans down to your ear. "Does this mean we're together?"

"Hmmm…" You stop walking as you reach the game stand and pull him down for another kiss. "You tell me." 

You kiss him once, twice, and then three times more. When you pull away, you look around at the different plush animals that are lined up on shelves at the back of the hook-a-duck stall. Daniel pulls some more tickets out of his back pocket. "You know, a kiss… or four still doesn't answer my question."

You giggle, pinching the tickets out of his hand. "It means yes, Daniel. Yes. And by the way, I really like you, too."

—★•°°•☆°••°★•°°•☆°••°★—

[asexualbookbird]

What a good month for reading! I got through all books I wanted to read, plus some extras! Read a stack of graphic novels that have been sitting on my floor for months, AND books I've been meaning to read for ten thousand years. I deserve a medal to be honest. I played through most of Cult of the Lamb, which is very fun. I just have to big boss to beat, but I needed a break. Had a great time watching Good Mythical Evening, and made irresponsible book purchases with friends. What. A. Month.

Tress and the Emerald Sea by Brandon Sanderson ⭐ snore, snooze, boring, I have read more entertaining cereal boxes

To Shape A Dragon's Breath by Moniquill Blackgoose ⭐⭐⭐⭐ fun! thought provoking! Full of dragons! My only complaint was the lore was info dumped, but otherwise a very good read!!

Record of a Spaceborn Few by Becky Chambers ⭐⭐⭐ my least favorite Wayfarers so far, but I'm interested in how the audiobook version is because I enjoyed the first book better when I listened to it and I think I will feel the same about this one

The Unconquered City by KA Doore ⭐⭐ I'm sorry, this was my least favorite of the trilogy. I started it like five different times since it was released and I thought it was me, but we simply did not vibe

Iron Widow by Xiran Jay Zhao ⭐⭐⭐⭐ I see why people are feral over this one. I would have liked more in depth world building and think it would've worked better as an adult novel than young adult, but overall a fun read

Beetle and the Hollowbones by Aliza Layne ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ WHAT A CUTE LITTLE GRAPHIC NOVEL! The art is fun, I adore the colors, and not to be dramatic but I would take on a scary necromancer for Blob Ghost

Kakuriyo 1-4 by Waco Ioka and Midori Yuma - I don't like rating individual manga volumes, I prefer to rate series as a whole, but so far! This is a good one! Reminds me of Ancient Magus' Bride but with more food

Shadow and Bone by Leigh Bardugo ⭐⭐ okay my expectations were low so I wasn't exactly let down by this, but phew this sure is a debut novel from 2013 huh! I look forward to Six of Crows lololol the bones are there, but where is the muscle

SO MUCH READING it's almost as if I've been stressed out or something haha Surgery is next week, but also! I've hit some road bumps in life. My dog needs dental surgery and I'm upset about it. I'm trying to figure out crowd funding because oof I do NOT have 800 dollhairs for this. I do also have some stickers I made and didn't tell anyone about that I'm going to share soon. So. Look out for those lolsob

Please let September be kind, please,

[merrivia]

in ur opinion who are the hottest characters in cp and who are the least ;)

Haha what an excellent question.

And because clearly I can't just be like here's the list of hotties, enjoy, you did get me thinking.

I think fiction- and the way Pacat writes in particular- offers us this really interesting space in terms of 'attraction', as I mean, it's all just this lovely, indulgent hypothetical anyway. And what makes a character 'attractive' kind of just exists in the imagination? Like we are free to imagine Damen and Laurent for instance, in particular ways physically beyond the broad strokes of big, olive-skinned and dark haired vs blue-eyed blond, as there is no exact visual for us. The other part to is the idea of 'proximity'- you know, how in real life we often fall for the people around us? Who we can get to know or who we 'see' over and over? So as we read and inhabit a fictional world, we are approximating these things - we're inside character's heads, around them, getting to know them etc.,. And I think all of that plays a part in this mimicry of real life attraction?

It's such an interesting weird blurring between knowing a character is made up and a small part of your brain kind of making judgements as if they're real.

[But merrivia this was for fun...I know and I'm sorry 😂]

I also want to say that having a particular physical 'type' is a really fascinating concept for me, because I think it's rooted in all sorts of psychological issues we have swirling around in our subconscious? I don't think perhaps we can always control it, but I do think it's an important part of life to examine those biases we have, too. I had a type when I was younger, but I outgrew those ideas over time and don't really have any specific physical preferences, so all of this really is based on personality mostly, for me!

I've also based this list on how we meet characters in the books, as opposed to 'older characters when they were younger' for example.

So:

*tied position: Damen, to me, is the hottest. I think it's his intelligence and honesty and goodness and willingness to love. And yeah...okay fine, his fighting prowess and his physical strength. In real life, I don't care for that, in fact that would intimidate the hell out of me, but reading him literally outclass everyone else in the novels is beyond attractive. I also love love love, how smart and witty he is, and how he can match Laurent in that way. Also: the dimple /screams into the void/. In many ways Damen has qualities I admire, and I wish I had more of. How disciplined he is, his easy natural charm with others, how comfortable he is with his own body, how open and light he can be when it comes to sex while still being respectful, how he isn't actually vain over his looks and how he's very romantic at heart...that's all very attractive to me. He has his flaws, I know, but I just think he's really hot. And tied at that spot is...Auguste. I actually think, in real life, Auguste would be exactly the kind of guy I would have had a major crush on. Handsome and good-hearted and honourable and loves his family? I can see me watching Auguste with a younger Laurent, being all playful and big-brothery and I would just *die* and have to stop myself proposing to him immediately. He also, I think, loved animals, a quality I also really like in a man. I do feel we know so little about him, it's tricky...but he's tied at the no 1 spot for me.

Laurent is obviously gorgeous, but in a remote way to me? I absolutely love him, but I'm not attracted to him. He's ridiculously beautiful and mind-bogglingly intelligent and sharp and very funny and has his own moral code, but in a way, some of his sharpness reminds me of the worst of myself? And the lethal side of his personality is...phew, it's a lot. His love of animals and of children is so lovely though, and the sweetness that comes out in him around Damen makes me melt. I also am, as a woman, respectful of canonically gay characters's preferences, and I don't know if thats odd or not, but some people are in a separate category in my mind (my friend's partners, gay men etc.,) where I can like them, and even adore them platonically, but I cannot see them as sexually attractive in any way. That includes characters it seems! I also think, he is just so objectified in the novels...even if I did fancy him, I might want to protect him from that constant onslaught, not join in? Regardless of all that, of course Laurent is super hot, so he's on the list.

The Good Men of the book- Nikandros and Berenger. I think that ultimately, the older I get, the more I am drawn to inner qualities of principle and goodness. Both these men are loyal and loving. Both deserve love and amazing sex.

The Hot Women of the book- Jokaste and Kashel are polar opposites and both obviously gorgeous. Jokaste scares the hell out of me, but I respect the fact that people would fall at her feet. Kashel is like that nice, pretty girl next door type at school who does a lot of sports and who lots of people are really into.

Ancel is very much NOT my type, something about the long red hair and the personality...but is he a hottie? Yes, of course. You have to respect his hustle, and I really like how he falls for Berenger, showing how he does have a heart.

Jord...He's a good man too. I see him as on the shorter, stockier side, based on descriptions of the book, and, well, a bit plain, but he's a good reminder that being exceptionally good-looking and/or a nobleman isn't everything. He exudes a personableness and has some really good qualities. I really do wish he hadn't projected all of his 'I betrayed Laurent' guilt so strongly onto Damen at the end of PG, but... it did create a lot of angst and narrative tension (I mean which is partly Jord's function!).

Who isn't attractive...yikes, that's tough. I mean there are plenty of other characters in the book, so if I haven't mentioned them, they're just not on the list. I just feel like there isn't enough for me to get my teeth into with characters like Pallas or Lazar, as cute as they are? So it's not a judgement, I just need a little more description. As for some of the older characters...yeah nope. If that's your thing, that's fine! And the villains in the book can rot in hell as far as I'm concerned.

I guess find it difficult to see Erasmus as hot. On the list, he should be just below Laurent really. This is kind of how I see his looks being, but even prettier. Like ridiculously, sweetly pretty.

I didn't include him out of very nurturing feelings I think? He's just a little sweetheart, and I want to take him under my wing and make sure he's okay. I just want him and the beautiful Kallias together!

It's why I'm also so neutral on Torveld I think? He's a good man too, but just...yeah.

And poor, damaged Aimeric...he's clearly a pretty boy. But I just think he was far too troubled. Lots of therapy needed for Aimeric in a modern AU and no-contact with Guion and to go off and live with Loyse (who I hope didn't know until it was too late what happened to Aimeric or tried to fight her husband on it but couldn't win, because patriarchy, and didn't just turn a blind eye- if she did do that, then no-contact for her too) and date Jord :(

So that's my rundown!

That was fun, thanks for the ask!

[misc-obeyme]

🪿anon here Hey hello! I thought I put in another ask before the one you replied to, but I think tumblr ate it somewhere between you and me. So sorry about the confusion, you didn't miss me at all. Your reply was lovely and I loved reading about your headcanons, especially how Mammon would totally biff people with his wings. Ask game time tho! 🦈 What is the character you have the hardest time writing? And as a bonus, if you're up for it: 💛 What's an impactful lesson you've learned about writing? I'm a fellow (and often struggling) writer and I love hearing what other people have to share, especially in the fandom space. Honks and hisses! 🪿

Ahhh okay, that explains it! Tumblr has been known to eat asks on occasion! Phew, I'm glad I didn't miss you! I'll go ahead and add your emoji to the list now!! Ah, I'm glad you liked my reply too I felt bad that it was so lengthy lol.

🦈 What is the character you have the hardest time writing?

Siiiiigh it's Levi. I'm much better with him now than I used to be, but I really struggled with him for a long time. His anxiety really reminded me of myself irl, so I had a hard time separating the anxiety of his character from my own. And this was an issue for me because it messed with my characterization of him.

I also struggle with Mammon sometimes. This is because I think the fandom's version of him and the canon version of him are different. So my brain is always flip flopping between them when doing his characterization. And I was so worried about writing him OOC that I would just kinda... not write for him much at all? But then I kinda reconciled it by deciding I was going to write my version of him and just own it! LOL.

💛 What's an impactful lesson you've learned about writing?

Ohh an interesting question! I would say the understanding that there is no "right" way to write a story. You get to decide what works for you. Even if a lot of other writers swear by doing this one thing, you only need to do it if it actually helps you. Otherwise, chuck it!

Specifically to fandom things, though, I would also add that having fun is the most important thing. How other people react to your writing is not an indication of how good it is. Things like how active a fandom is, how popular a ship is (if you're writing a ship), how many people are looking for this specific genre (e.g. fluff, angst, etc), all of that is going to impact how people react to what you wrote. You might have written the most exquisite novel length fic ever, but if it's about something not a lot of people are interested in, you might get only a handful of comments/reblogs/likes etc.

So the important thing to focus on for fanfic is how you feel about writing it. Write things you enjoy, write for yourself. You're spending a lot of time and effort and energy on that story. Make sure it's one that you're proud of, no matter how people respond to it.

I'm writing Arsenios's story and it's been such an amazing experience. I absolutely love it and I'm throwing my whole heart & soul into it. But OC stuff rarely has the same engagement as canon. So when I finally start posting it, I won't be surprised if it doesn't do very well, especially compared to some of my other stuff.

But the thing is, it won't matter. I'm writing that story because I love it, because it's fun, because it makes me happy. So how well it does or doesn't do won't impact the experience I got out of writing it.

OOF sorry to ramble so much, but I hope that makes some sense! I just think people get too hung up on numbers and things (myself included lol) when really that's not the thing that matters most!

Ahaha but I could write about writing all day... I guess it's my special interest. :)

Anyway, thank you for asking!

Fanfic Writer Ask Game

[fandomdaydreamer]

Of a Sun and Flower

Pt. 2 You Fit Me

Pairing: Pedro Pascal/OFC

Summary: Conflict induces a positive development when Nini meets the right person at the right time.

Warnings: alcohol, drug use, a psychoanalysis by someone who is not in any kind of medical field (me), symptoms of anxiety and depression, mentions of past abuse and overdose, domestic fights (with resolution, phew)

Notes: Well well well, if it isn't my late ass. Sorry, is all I can say. Life gets in the way and this chapter was fkn hard to write. Actually, I'm working on making Book 1 a real novel now, might be a real published author. Wheee

Also find this fic on Ao3 -here- or the series' Masterlist -here-

Length: 8.8k

~

You Fit Me

The floor was littered with old chewing gum and spilt, sticky puddles of alcohol when I lowered my gaze at my mechanically piloted feet. It was hot, too hot underneath my wig, too hot between these strange bodies. With nothing but numbness in my mind, I made my hips sway to the rhythm of the heavy beat, felt the base resonate in my chest and alter my perception as my nostrils filled with the scent of people's sweat, cheap liquor and the stale dampness of the fog machines.

My eyes wandered into the dark corners of the club, where hidden figures were locked in a passionate kiss or lived out their high with their mouths wide open as they gazed into the flickering lights. They were but quick illuminations of limbs and faces, pale picture frames of colourful people dancing to a heavy electronic beat. A hypnotic voice was singing and people upon people danced to it like they were in a trance. The air was thick and condensation threatened to drip from the ceiling. It was easy to be sucked into their midst, give in to the alluring promise of forgetful hedonism and just float into the river Styx. Float into another dimension while fate would handpick the gluttons who would descend into the third circle of hell.

What would Pedro say if he saw me like this? Not having fun and denying myself any peace. Was I pretending to push myself into a nihilist universe to chase fatalism and toxicity? A blind person would have been able to see it.

Maybe I wasn't drunk enough to stop my mind from constantly wandering back home and wane between regret and anger. However, I was intoxicated enough to tilt my head into the sticky air, close my eyes and remain in the eternal Asphodel meadows for a little while longer. I felt so alone yet free of all that I knew. An anonymous, ordinary soul drifting through the night.

My state in limbo felt complete until a slimy touch seized my hip and I was promptly forced to take a step away. "No!" My protest fell on deaf ears.

"C'mon, baby. You gotta try this!" A guy in a gay club of all places forced a shot on me. He waved a friend over who brought more glasses that were filled with some kind of dark liquid.

I batted his wandering hands away and yelled at him to leave me alone.

"Fucking fa-." I could read the slur from his lips before he took another leering step towards me. How easily his words shattered against the heavy armour I had braced my soul with.

"She said no, dickface! Fuck off!" A woman with rhinestone eyebrows stepped in. Her shrill voice was loud against the music and she shoved him away. She flipped the man off and cackled at the range of slurs he threw back at us. "You okay?" My saviour hollered in my direction once he'd left us alone on the dance floor.

"Yeah, thank you!" I yelled back. I had seen and gone through worse things. Infinitely worse. "I'm sorry-" I gestured aimlessly when everything became too much anyway. In an attempt to escape, I made my way through the crowd and to the bathrooms.

I had no clue how much time I spent trying to sober up inside the stall that was plastered with graffiti and scribbles. A stick figure lay horizontal with x's crossed over instead of their eyes and memories of last summer flashed through my mind. Overdosed eyes had glazed over into a blur and I recalled how scary it had been to not be able to move my body as I nearly choked on foam and vomit. In a hazy fever dream, Pedro had found me just in time and in the worst way possible. How terrified he'd been. How stupid I felt about the way I behaved again.

In my overwhelmed state, I kept ignoring my phone as it buzzed for the millionth time this night. Pedro's ID blinked up again, the pet name I gave him mocked me along with all the hearts we'd sent back and forth in our recent past. Such a stark contrast to his currently unanswered texts. I wasn't tone-deaf to their urgency.

01:34 - Baby, I just need to know if you're ok, then I'll let you do your thing. Promise

Can you please pick up?

02:04 - Where are you? I can come and pick you up, wherever you are. I'm not mad at you

02:11 - Please just tell me you're safe

02:50 - Leonie, this has to stop! You've made your point ok?

03:00 - I swear tfg, the least you could do is answer! You care at all??

03:01 - *(Angel deleted this message)*

03:02 - Pick up the fucking phone.

The last text, I imagined he had written before pulling his hair out in sheer frustration. A full stop. Yikes.

"Fuck." I whispered to myself.

Inside the filthy stall, I closed my hands over my eyes and slumped over with my elbows resting on my knees. I tried willing my cramp to go away or at least deal with the pain of heavy guilt setting into another part of my stomach. "I'm such a fucking fraud," I admitted to myself in a moment of clarity and regret. Impulsive and short-tempered Leonie van Fleet, the misophonic asshole who doesn't know what she's doing, everyone. Round of applause.

A voice in the stall next to mine ripped me out of my thoughts. "Does anybody have a tampon?" They asked obnoxiously above the dull sound of thumping music.

"I do! Hold up." I yelled back immediately, pondering on my last one and deciding giving it away would limit my time here but maybe having no other choice was a good thing. "I'll trade you for some toilet paper." I put my hands through the bottom of the stall door and crouched down, hoping I wouldn't lose my balance when chipped white nail polish met equally broken black polish as they grabbed for the tampon.

"Thank you so fucking much. My night is saved." They said, made the exchange and I felt dizzy when I decided to end my crisis and finish up myself. "No problem, that's what uterus pals are for." I slurred before flushing and walking up to the sink. I felt a little more drunk than I had originally thought.

"What was that you were saying?" The voice sounded nasal like it's been through quite a bit of crying before. "You're a fraud? What do you mean by that?"

Nosey, this one.

"I mean uh... I'm pretending to be this destructive version of myself. Or what am I doing here?" I was reeling with thoughts while washing my hands with barely existent soap. With no option to dry them in sight, I let the water drip as I stared at my reflection. A stranger stared back, a vision of everything gone wrong.

"Sounds like you've put a lot of thought into it." The voice ripped me out of my tunnel vision again.

I crossed my arms and the words somehow kept flowing out almost too easily. "I just keep making the wrong decisions," I spoke above the sound of the distant, thumping beat. "Just don't know why. Maybe just to punish myself for my perfect life." I narrated my unthought-through, impulsive actions and concluded my crisis with the afterthought of a selfish brat. "You know what? What's worse is that all I do is punish the person that matters to me most."

"Huh." The toilet flushed and out the stall came the same woman from earlier and a look of recognition washed over our faces. "Oh, it's you!" We burst out at the same time. She was of similar height, maybe in her early forties but it was impossible to say with that skincare routine she had going for her. Apart from the eccentric decorations on her face, she had black shiny hair and red-painted lips. "The self-punishment over a hypothetical would make sense if you think you might not deserve the positive things in your life. Have you been through some shit? Apologies for assuming-" She washed her hands messily and also noticed the lack of soap. "I'm drunk."

My brain caught up with her a second later. "Yeah, horrendous stuff." I dramatised in my tipsy state and leaned my weight against the neighbouring sink.

I lacked the ability to comprehend how she could have been so spot-on at first sight. Maybe my cry for help was painted above my head as obvious as the neon sign of this club. The woman spoke with an equal amount of compassion and anger. "Many of us have. Bullied and chased out of our homes. Fewer rights as a marginalised group. It's worse even for the trans community. So many places where you must have felt not accepted. I'm sorry, that had to be tough."

"I'm... Yes, that's true but I'm not trans." I informed her with a smile, amused she'd thought I was.

She froze like an elephant in a porcelain shop. "That wig-"

"It's a wig, yes." She had a fair point for assuming. It was a high probability in a queer scene club like this and my heavy makeup and a wig I hadn't even glued on.

"Well..." She grinned, making it obvious to me that my hairline was crappy enough for me to not pass as a woman. "Anyway then, your partner, she's the best thing in your life and you're emotionally dependent on her?" She asked before bending down and took a sip straight from the tap.

Feeling like such a fraud again, I suddenly felt ashamed. I was out of place. "He is. I hope I'm not but the truth is, I couldn't live without him. He's the best thing in my life." I corrected her and she coughed into the stream.

"Damn, I assumed you'd at least be part of the L in the alphabet mafia. What were the odds?" "No, it's fine. We're in a queer club so... I'm sorry for invading this space. I guess I just wanted a peaceful night out. Can't escape men anywhere though. Surprise." I chuckled at her before being serious again. "Karma. I haven't been treating my partner well these past couple of months." Suddenly admitting it felt devastating and my voice quivered so much, it made her turn her entire body and meet me with a worried frown. "I had a very abusive dad and I'm afraid, so fucking afraid I'm the abuser now." I was taken aback by my confession, for it was so unlike me to bring up my past, let alone to a stranger. However, there was something about this woman. Something so comforting and familiar, I had to reveal a well-hidden part of my life to an equally drunk stranger in a filthy bathroom.

Yet I received nothing but her entire attention and while her presence felt comforting, her voice was clear and cool as ice. "My best guess is you have tried to cope with everything yourself, depending on whatever distracted you and fed your love deprivation." She deducted.

I gaped at her. "How-"

"Do you mind?" She pulled a cigarette from a battered package and I shook my head 'no' when she offered me one. "I think I get it now. Wait for it-" She climbed onto the heater and blew smoke out of the tiny window. For a moment, she digested the first drag, smoking in a kind of club where nobody would bat an eye anyway. I felt like a lost little kitten, staring up at her with big hungry eyes. It nearly seemed she gathered information by scanning me from head to toe. "You have some kind of European accent, maybe you were new here at some point and lonely. You're a petite, pretty little thing with daddy issues in a queer club, still unable to escape that predatory behaviour from earlier. So in theory, you know how to protect yourself because you had trauma to deal with but you feel deep hurt all the time. Plus, a loving partner and a domestic fight, equals the fragile state you're in. Babe, you're trying to run away from happiness. It's called self-sabotage."

My throat hurt from having swallowed too hard. Mind completely blank from unadulterated surprise, I stuttered. "Self- self-sabotage... is that what this is?"

She clicked her tongue. "It's a behaviour that makes you think you have control over the negative outcome of your actions and be in charge of your pain. It's not real. You're just calming yourself with predictability." She had opened her arms like she had presented me with a magic trick and I was the stupified spectator who couldn't appreciate her art form. Although, what she said, sounded perfectly logical.

Impressed by her quick mind, I stood there with a frown between my brows while I took my time to process. "I was not expecting free therapy at three in the morning," I said numbly.

"Surprise." She grinned like a Cheshire cat despite the thin veil of tears that was still evident in her eyes.

"Are you in a psychological field of any kind? You seem so..." I tried to think of a better word than 'intelligent' and a kinder word than 'crazy yet wise. "Analytical."

She disposed of the burning cigarette through the crack in the window and hopped down to me. "Psychiatrist in crisis." She winked before turning to the mirror and giving her lips a fresh coat of red paint. A burst of frustration made her voice quiver. "But I have come to the realisation my work is fruitless in a world where people keep having normal fucking reactions to toxic post-capitalism. I'll never accomplish anything." She stopped doing her makeup to let go of her rage as she reenacted a conversation with one of her patients. "Oh, you're having a burnout and you live in a constant state of anxiety? You're a single mom working two jobs and you still can't pay rent let alone your medical bills but sure, you must have problems because Mercury is in retrograde." She was close to crying again and angrily tossed her lipstick into her purse. "I'm supposed to help people but all I see are unsolvable problems and stupid shit." She stared ahead in a nearly manic way and then breathed out like she was trying to get it out of her system.

Our tearful eyes locked in the mirror and I felt we had bonded in that moment. "I'm Giulia." My new companion introduced herself then.

"Nini." We shook hands and I came straight back to the point with something she said that had bothered me. "How did you know I have some unresolved issues?"

She didn't conceal an ironic smile. "You were talking to yourself in a bathroom stall. That's not a tough one to guess." She was right and my eyes started to become blurry before she interrupted me with a suggestion. "Wanna go outside? Dr Oswald will see you now." She offered with the grin of a siren who seemed to lure me in with a promising song of mental stability. After a short consideration, I sighed and nodded.

My path tonight had brought me to a club with a bright pink neon sign buzzing above its entrance. This hole-in-the-ground club's heavy electro-dance beat could only be revealed when its doors swung open. After falling shut, the soundproofing reduced the thumping music down to a dull ache in my memory. Some friends had shown me 'Nomi's' a few years ago and my disguise was either good enough to remain anonymous or simply nobody was bothered by the fact that a celebrity, and a hetero-normative one at that, was floating through an LGBTQ scene. The buff goth lady simply nodded at us before setting us free into the cold night.

Giulia poked me in the arm. "You hungry? I'm starving."

I shuffled about in the cold, considering if my anxiety was treatable with some food, then everything would be fine again. "I could eat."

"Wanna get kebab or pizza?" She held onto a street light and swung around playfully.

The corners of my mouth turned down into pathetic pout. "Chicago pizza?"

She smiled and frowned at the same time. "Yeah, why not? I know a place that's still open."

We talked on our entire way to the pizza place, shared our worries and doubts and she listened like we were two old friends who had finally reconnected but had never grown apart. The more she poured her interest into my problems, the more she lit up and somehow, I had overshared my entire trauma history. I was free to pretend to just be someone ordinary while in reality, I was opening up to a past life my public persona only dealt with when ugly rumours after a speculative peer-review turned into invasive interview questions. Giulia on the other hand had no idea who I was. To her, I was just another lost person.

The buzz of the alcohol had somewhat lessened during our cold morning walk. Some delis were already opening their shops for the day while the pizza place served their last customers.

A chosen New Yorker claiming Chicago-style pizza was superior was a dangerous opinion to have. Yet, I never felt more certain of it when the cheese string connecting to my piece seemed to never end. I chuckled darkly and groaned in delight while Giulia gave me an approving "Yeees, get in there."

"All I needed was some damn pizza." I sighed lowly, and yet again, battled my crisis with humour. "Can you believe that my ex-therapist advised me to go on a crash diet? All he wanted to talk about was my weight and my sex life. He wanted to stop me from being a massive kinky bitch and why would I want that?" Both of us cackled.

"Shit." She frowned, the doctor having a habit of leaning into me when she found something interesting. "I don't get how someone like that is able to keep a license."

"Yeah! Right?" I cried out, mouth full of hot pizza. I found enjoyment in being a hot mess when I mimicked his voice. "Oh, doesn't matter if you have a drug history. I have you under my wing, this is completely safe. Now here's some Ketamine. And boom, I'm dealing with withdrawal, cheers. Thanks a lot, dickhead."

"You weren't safe with him. Therapy shouldn't be manipulative." Dr Oswald stated.

"I swear, I have no verbal filter anymore. Being off meds is the worst." Though I had conveniently left out the part that I was famous, I remembered we were still in public and I shouldn't talk about too private things. I stared into the starless night above Manhattan and missed them as much as my sanity. "I can't help missing this... howling loneliness and complete lack of ego inside what was just mind fog." There wasn't any other way to describe ketamine to me. My nose clogged up at the pain and struggle of it all. "My sweet boyfriend- I was so mean to him and I know I'm also on my period and extra mean and the sauce I made was way too runny!" I sobbed at this point, nearly inarticulate, drifting off towards a point that was still very important to me.

"I'm sure it wasn't that bad." "It was practically water!" I sobbed out at the memory of our unsatisfactory dinner last night, shoulders shaking from crying.

"No... I meant what you said about being mean." She clarified while I suppressed a threatening hiccup. "What's your underlying concern?" Doc redirected our conversation with an annoyingly stereotypical therapy question but I guessed that had to be part of it.

"You know, I lost my cat-" A gulp broke my speech and I breathed until I got it together. "And it shouldn't feel this marginal but watching her die and realising I wasn't over my mum's death and feeling this profound sense of grief made me realise that maybe I don't want to be loved like that when I die. This much." Thick drops of tears streamed down my face and I knew I must have not made a lot of sense. "Never expressing this much love again. Feel the way I'm feeling... in that moment. I never stopped grieving and I figured, if he'd hate me, that would be easier."

The look she gave me was one of full understanding. "Go on, you got this." She encouraged me with a firm hand on my shoulder.

I wiped my face with my sleeve, snot, tears and makeup got stuck on the black fabric. "You know what my angel said? He said he could never hate me and he would never regret loving me, that I taught him that." I stifled myself with more pizza.

"Sounds like your person is there to help you navigate your pain," Doc said. "Maybe you're looking to become the people who would rather love like no one has ever loved before than to avoid the greatest suffering."

It seemed Pedro and I kept growing together. Through good and bad times. Despite the hardship, we still remained a unit and maybe that was all that mattered.

I soon rediscovered that food made everything better again and I filled the hole in my soul with cheese until my phone started buzzing in my pocket. Pedro was calling again.

"That's him?" Giulia asked with a look at the caller ID showing that 'Angel' with a load of heart emojis was calling. I showed her a picture of him and me together from our last New Year's celebration and she cooed at our big smiles. "I miss him," I admitted.

"He looks sweet. A bit... older than you, I guess?" She slurred back.

Bless her heart, she didn't recognise him either. "A bit." I downplayed our eighteen-year age gap. "Truth is, I am lucky to be with this treasure of a man, he's kind, sexy, smart and so talented." I gushed over him.

"But you've not communicated about your argument?" A slight smile spread on her lips despite her seriousness and somehow, I saw someone competent past those rhinestone eyebrows.

"No. I ran. Like always." I said in pure disappointment in myself. "I don't know if I fucked up for good this time. I can be such a bitch these days. But imagine me going home after this, what the fuck." I chewed slowly. "He already worries so much." I already knew my eyes were puffy and my lips were swollen from biting them. "Pedro thought he'd get a fun and bubbly, nurturing girlfriend but then he met my insecure dramatic traumatised and needy ass. What if I can't give him everything he deserves? He somehow still settled for me." A fresh tear ran down my cheek, this time I thought it might have been a happy one.

"You don't think your relationship is healthy?" Doc asked with a cough and I shrugged my shoulders. My fingers played with my sea glass necklace. "Do you think it's bad that... I don't feel like I'm not constantly on fire?"

"You think about the mind games that kept you interested?" "Don't call me out like that." My eyes narrowed.

"Let me ask you something. Does your relationship feel like an up-and-down roller coaster?"

I felt stupified and stammered out. "No?"

She kept insisting. "When someone has a hard time, do you make time to be there for the other? Not to improve things but just to be there."

"We can be miles away from each other at times but... yes. He's my lighthouse." I smiled widely despite her not getting the reference.

Giulia licked sauce off her thumb. "Do you bring the inner child up in each other?"

"Always." I laughed with tears in my eyes at every happy memory. I recalled our Christmases, birthdays, interviews and public events or simply the ordinary evenings just between the two of us.

Dr Oswald's shoulders relaxed with a sigh. "I think your relationship is more than healthy. Healthier than average couples. Don't let your insecurities talk you down, grow from them." With that, she shoved her last bite of pizza into her mouth and clapped her hands-free from crumbs.

My eyes skipped between her and the floor awkwardly. "Thanks, I guess."

She hummed before sharing an amused memory. "When my ex was fed up with me, I made her a sock puppet and tried to talk about it. She never called again." She demonstrated it with her glove. "Why don't you trust people?" She voiced her hand.

I gave her a fond smile as we began our walk back. "You're weird," I said with a chuckle as I retrieved a pre-rolled blunt from my purse and held it up to Giulia in an offer.

She grinned before passing me her lighter. "You're a cliché." She watched me light joint and take a practiced drag of the spicy herb.

"You're the one who said she dismembered Barbies as a kid." I countered with a deep exhale.

"Don't pretend you're not just as weird. You probably tortured your Sims or played with scary spiders or something." Giulia assumed, judging by my goth outfit by all accounts before taking a drag herself.

I couldn't help but play a joke on her. "There were indeed only spiders in the basement to play with," I commented dryly and her eyes closed while mine widened. Having just listened to the story of my sad childhood and the fact that my father used to lock me up in the cellar, she choked on the smoke. For a moment we were both shocked by my words until I noticed she was slowly breaking into laughter. She tried to keep it behind her hand but now we were both finished trying to hold back and instead of trying to work through and process my trauma, we let go of a hollering laugh. She at least tried to remain decent. "That's not funny. That's so not... funny."

I thought I was allowed to think it was. "It's a bit funny." She shook her head no, tearing up when she gave me my weed back. "See, you helped me already. I could talk about my dad without having an emotional breakdown. It's been easier already but I haven't felt this... relieved in a long time." I blinked away my tears stubbornly, finally admitting to myself that I was not fine and I was constantly reacting to my trauma. I decided then and there that if I would ever mistreat a future child of mine, I would not deserve to waste any more oxygen on this world. "You're really good at this. Knocking sense into people." I said sincerely.

"I appreciate you trying to end my lost cause. You made me feel like I'm not a total failure after all." She said on our way back through the calm side alleys. Our steps echoed from the red brick stone walls as we passed the joint back and forth.

"Are you kidding me? I appreciate your work so much. You do matter. This was... this was really helpful. I mean it." I saw her bottom lip trembling at my promise.

"Thank you. You're very nice."

Like a cool cat, I flicked the joint away. "I have my moments." She let me drape my arm across her shoulders as we made our way out of the last alley.

The night was slowly lifting and my mind felt light as a feather when the club came back into view. "I don't think I'll go back inside again." I said at the end of our journey.

Giulia turned and her hands clapped onto her sides with a sigh. "Now imma tell you what I'd say as a therapist and imma tell you what I'd say as a parent from an Italian household." She took a step closer and lowered her voice, her concern sounding far from patronising. "I would very much like to test you for PTSD and bipolar disorder and I want to break down generational trauma and introduce you to the right medication and progressive, beneficial habits because you girl, are not making wise choices." She finally put her finger down. "Second, and this is my nonna speaking-" Suddenly she raised her voice and I jumped. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE? GET YOUR ASS HOME, PRONTO." She gestured like her Italian grandma and I chirped out a laugh.

"O-okay." I was met with a passionate grin I had to somewhat dampen. "PTSD has kind of already been diagnosed though." A deep intuitive feeling matched and I somehow knew she would be able to help me.

"No depression?" "It's more of an anxiety disorder." "Shame. People with depression have the best Spotify playlists."

I blinked at the sound of her disappointment. "I would very much like to become your patient." I decided then and there.

"Fantastic." She wrestled her hand into her boot in return to give me a white business card with a font that promised a brutalist interior design. 'M.D. G. Oswald' written on it with an office address in Manhattan not far from here.

"Fancy," I noted and tucked it away into my bra. She seemed genuinely happy at the encounter. "God knows, I've made my partner age ten years tonight. After this-" I began to walk backwards towards the street. "I owe him a lifetime of happiness... and no more runny sauces."

"Try creme fraiche next time." Giulia advised me and the only thing I could do was comment with an awkward 'ah.

I shifted my weight from one to the other foot, pointing in the direction of an approaching cab. "I should probably... I'll give you a call." I turned one last time after I had already managed to hail it. "Hey Doc, one more thing."

"What?"

I couldn't have addressed her with a sterner tone as I stood by the open door of my ride. "If you ever tell me I need to forgive my dad, I'll be out the door." I threatened and at first she looked puzzled, but then saluted me in understanding and we smiled at each other.

I was already inside the taxi when she whistled sharply with her fingers and provoked me to roll the window down. "Ey, one last word of advice." She began as she stood in front of the door back where our journey had originally started. "Make up with your fella. If he's mad, suck his dick. He'll get over it."

"Amen!" A bunch of suddenly cheerleading people roaming the club's entrance in their colourful outfits contributed with loud and some lewd additions.

I nodded and sank a little deeper into my seat with my cheeks heating up at her thumbs up. "Thanks." Giulia slapped the roof of my taxi for goodbye and as I drove off, I looked back to see her going back inside the club.

~~~

At around five in the morning, the house was dark and perfectly quiet. Everything seemed to go according to plan if it meant Pedro had finally gone to sleep. The key and wind chime at the door hardly made a noise when I crept inside, yet having to greet a pathetically whining Edgar who had been waiting for me on the doormat required an advanced level of discreteness. "Hey, good boy, hi! Oh, dear. Oh, dear." I went over to pacify our boy before I snuck inside bare feet with my shoes dangling from my fingers.

Completely parched, I passed into the kitchen, unloaded all of my belongings onto the counter and fumbled at my earrings with a sigh. My mouth tasted weird.

I was stretching towards the glasses when sudden bright headlight illuminated the entire room and scared the living hell out of me. His sudden appearance had been nearly enough to drop my glass before I could even retrieve it from the cupboard. "Kut, fuck! You scared me!" I cursed after swishing around to see one particular unpleased Pedro in the French doorway. His frown only deepened and he gave me a thin-lipped stare as he leaned against the frame and crossed his toned arms over his chest.

I knew I had to look like an absolute mess, yet I gestured around as if I couldn't see what the point of him busting me like a naughty teenager was. This was terribly like a bad childhood memory of my father doing practically the same thing, the only difference was that I wasn't scared of Pedro. He was dressed in his old pyjamas and his hair was adorably ruffled post-shower but his softness was entirely replaced by harsh tension. Deep bags cast a shadow underneath his eyes and it was then that I noticed the sheen of tears in their hardness, something between pure anger and also, relief.

"Hi." I gulped, sensing I was in deep trouble regardless. I slowly pulled my wig off my head, discarding the long black strands as they flowed off my shoulders. He didn't echo my greeting as usual.

My eyes skipped to the floor at the sight of his obvious disappointment in me and I wondered if I would manage to raise any kind of reaction from him other than eyes that stared daggers into my soul. Pedro's anger was a chilling thing to behold. It was rare.

His chest first expanded and he tore his hand over his mouth like he needed to stop all the necessary curses from tumbling out with his next exhale. "How was it?" He asked instead, ironically with a sharp edge to each word. His eyes radiated a kind of severe heat that promised this was merely the calm before the storm.

I forced myself not to stutter but my heart beat out of my chest. "It was... nice. I feel good. Really good. Better um... I thought you'd maybe be asleep by the time I get home."

"Oh, really?" He parroted with dripping sarcasm, finally stepping down the few stairs and stalking intimidatingly closer. I shrunk underneath him and bumped into the counter, wincing at his proximity more than the impact. "Where were you?" He growled, jaw clicking.

Irritation glared up at me at his patronising tone and I realised I wasn't done provoking him after all. It was like I couldn't stop myself. With an attitude, I raised my chin and snarked up at him. "Why does it matter? I'm no longer there."

"Did you take anything?" He turned my face into the light above with force and I blinked, irritated at the examination. The light was too bright and his grip pinched my cheeks a little too harsh for his gentle character. He held heated eye contact that made my pride resolve and finally crumble. "Leonie, did you take anything?" He bit down at me after he couldn't detect something unusual about the dilation reflex in my pupils.

I freed myself from his grasp. "No, I didn't! Let go of me." I pouted childishly and he let it be for the moment, stepping back and letting me go like my touch burned him. "I'm fine!" I added when he walked away from me.

He faced the garden, his broad back casting a shadow onto the blueish-hued floor when I dared to speak up again. "I'm... I'm tired. I think I should just go to bed." I tried to sneak my way out but he was quicker to strut to the couch and toss me a pillow.

"No, you're not." He ordered, clearly insinuating I was sleeping here tonight.

"Fine." I bit out and aggressively fumbled with a blanket while he turned around and didn't take another look at me. A gush of air pushed through his nose when he walked past me.

I could only watch as he went to leave, a rush of sympathy and guilt provoking me to finally do the right thing. "I'm s-"

He broke off my apology. "Go to sleep and sober up. We'll speak in the morning."

A heavy stone settled in my heart. "Pedro."

He went to go upstairs and not once turned to look at my sad, lost form that waited in vain for a sign of forgiveness.

~~~

When I woke about five hours later, it was by the sound of items banging in the kitchen. The smell of something delicious sizzled in a pan but my stomach dreaded it and my head felt like it could burst. The first wave of sickness crashed into me when I remembered the resemblance of hatred in Pedro's eyes. Mine opened to the sight of his chocolate curls bouncing as he chopped something with a knife. His gaze was still turned down even though he must have seen that I was up and the more I told myself that he didn't care for me anymore, the more I felt like I deserved it.

The smell of bacon suggested that the thick tension hanging in this house was merely a delusion. Normally it meant something different. A cosy breakfast with a newspaper and coffee, loving banter and plans for the future.

Pedro discarded something into the bin when I sat up and disturbed Edgar, who had been sleeping cuddled into my side.

Pedro sighed and tossed the towel he'd been using over his shoulder. It was like he needed to brace himself before acknowledging me with a side glance and a tight pull of his moustache. I threw my blanket off and felt nothing but awful at the sight of the fatigue on his face.

"Good morning," I muttered meekly and got up to go and sit at the table with my hands folded sheepishly in front of me. I didn't even dare to walk up to him and get myself a cup of coffee. Pedro on the other hand, knowing me inside and out, fetched it for me and the creamy liquid sloshed over the rim at the force he used to slam it down in front of me. A plate with a croissant followed next with a harsh clatter of porcelain on wood. Before this 'talk' I dreaded more than anything would ensue, he waited for me to examine my favourite breakfast that I still adored him for. "Thank you." I barely managed to say.

He watched me dunk a piece of buttery deliciousness into my coffee, slip it into my mouth and treat him to a careful smile. I knew he had gone out of his way to get me fresh croissants but I couldn't tell if it was a peace offering or should merely act like a little sugar to make the medicine taste not so bitter. I braced myself for the latter. "D'd you sleep well?" He muttered tiredly and I nodded.

"The couch is pretty comfortable, actually." I attempted to make an insignificant observation before returning the question and receiving a hardly noticeable shake of his head as he brushed it off.

"Pedro, talk to me," I begged him, still hoping I could fix this. "Please."

Yell at me, throw something. Just anything.

I could hardly swallow as he stalked through the room. He took deep breath before his agitation finally unfolded. "Do you have any idea-" he spoke slow and patiently. "-how worried I was all night?"

Finally, his eyes met mine and it was nearly devastating. A heavy gulp forced my food down and I inhaled to start with an apology but he stopped me from making even the tiniest approach. "I was frightened, I didn't know what to do. You just... storm out after we had a fight, I have no idea where you're going-" The heat still radiated from his eyes when his voice turned a mocking tone. "The problem is you don't fucking care about anything! I wait for a fucking sign of life from you but you ignore my texts, you don't answer my calls-" His voice rose in volume with each word. "And then, finally at five in the morning, you come home, reeking of alcohol and weed and I knew-- I knew that would happen. Who else but you would just disappear, then pop up like nothing happened?" He had bent over the table, hands splayed out across when he spoke to me in calm anger. "You know what you did? You mixed painkillers with alcohol and drugs, you're lucky you didn't end up in the ER! And don't get me started on the scandal you could have caused when you walk around fucking wasted like that." He shook his head at me and I decided to keep it to myself that I had been to a gay club on top of that. "Irresponsible, stupid, impulsive girl. Give me one fucking reason why I shouldn't think you're a fucking danger hazard to yourself!"

"I was 'not' wasted," I muttered under my breath, but he looked past my antics and the flaw of design I called self-medication. He was speechless. "I'm sorry, okay?"

"Oh, you're sorry?" he chastised me, louder this time, ready to berate me a little more. "I'm sorry is not fucking good enough this time!" He was breathing irregularly.

"I needed a little bit of freedom, Pedro!" I cried out.

Maybe emotion made him irrational at this point too. He didn't care Edgar was whining at us. "Oh, remind me again how horrible living in LA was and make me feel guilty about it."

"I begged to come with you, to just leave New York, remember? Poen died and I wanted to leave." I yelled back, frantically wiping away the first couple of tears at his fury. "I love you, wherever you go, I go!" I sobbed. Silence hung in the room like thick fog clouding us.

He sighed, holding back the severity of his anger when he realised he had made me cry. Finally he sat next to me at the head of the table and with a terrible sigh, ruffled his hand through his hair.

He sounded so tired. "I was so fucking mad. Still am. You treat my concern like it's nothing. I get you're searching for yourself and what's good for you but call me out on my delusion if I assume it's not in self-medication but right here." He told me with his eyes closed. "Honey, I'm so invested in helping and supporting you and I also know you won't find that sort of thing while going out and risking your wellbeing. I have... a lot of empathy for what you're going through. Be selfish, by all means, but I am 'not-" he fixed my eyes with his and put his index finger onto the table. "deserving of being treated like shit. Trust goes both ways. If I can't convince you to do what's best for you, I trust that you at least won't disrespect my compassion."

Finally it sank in and I was struck by so much shame, my eyes stung violently and I hated myself for ever hurting him. Even if unintentionally, he was the only one who could stop me on my way down because he was in control of my heart. I was the first to break our tense silence. "I need help," I admitted in tears. "I want to get better."

We finally seemed to understand each other's dire struggle, for when he grasped my hand, it meant the world to me. "Maybe you want to try this clinic I found. I heard it's-" He began but I interrupted him and tried to conceal my disgust at even the mention of rehab.

"I already found a new therapist," I announced and he leaned back in a puzzled state. "Good, eh... good. What?" He stuttered.

"Last night." I finished and watched his jaw drop. He gave me a look like he was finally done with my bullshit and the hand he'd previously held so comfortingly let me go again. I aimed to pacify him before he could say anything. "A good psychiatrist, I met her in the club and I got a free session but I'm already a hundred per cent sure, she's the right one for me. She is... incredible."

Pedro was still too baffled to even process this piece of information. "That's... that's-" Pedro didn't know what exactly this was, he tried to think about his words but failed. He put his palm to his forehead to relieve the headache that had to be forming there. "I feel like you forgot everything I just said. You don't get it." Pedro looked at me, puzzled.

"I do." "No, I begged you to make more sensible decisions and then you barge in with this." He pinched the bridge of his nose. "God, you're a piece of work."

I tried not to take that past comment personally. "I mean something good came out of my manic episode. I realised important things. For example, that I'm self-sabotaging."

"Okay... okay. Let's think this through." Pedro had calmed down somewhat and ran his hand over his beard in an attempt to try and start over. "Does this therapist have any credentials? What's her background? References? Do you have any idea who she is?" His questions were all reasonable but I had no answers to them. All I knew was that none mattered because I had a good feeling I about her.

"She's extremely smart and empathetic, she's boisterous, a lesbian and she's a socialist. You'd like her." I explained and he blinked at me. Dumbfounded, he folded his hands and I felt free to tell him the entire story of how Doc and I met.

Even after I was done explaining, he was still not convinced. "You know can't have a personal relationship with your therapist. This meeting while going out... thing and smoking together doesn't sound good at all. Who parties with their therapist?"

"I know, I know we can't be friends. She already said something like that. That and, that I should suck your dick if you're still mad at me." His frown seemed edged in stone, causing my innocent expression to crumble bit by bit. "You don't want that." I assumed, quietly.

"No, I don't." He dismissed, low and pointedly. "This is a bad idea. And this... therapist suggesting a blow job would fix this-" he looked up with a spark of humour I fixed my hope on. "Maybe."

I raised my eyebrows and he pointed a finger at me. "No, I was joking." "Okay, jeez." "I'd appreciate it if you took this seriously."

Maybe it had dawned on me or my manic episode was finally tranquillized by cold sobriety but my eyes stung with tears and my voice cracked when I spoke under my breath. "I am taking it more seriously than ever." I tried and was met with a look of love and pain in his eyes that nearly broke my heart.

"Don't say that if you don't mean it." He begged quietly.

A heavy gulp got stuck in my throat and for several moments, I gathered the right things to say. "I know... I know you have a good reason to be angry with me but I felt... so helpless." I choked up. "So unseen."

For several long, insufferable beats, we stayed mute until the quietness became too much to bear. "I'm sorry if I made you feel that way." His voice had cracked mid-sentence. "Just the thought anything could happen to you... and it would have been my fault. When I didn't hear anything from you, I was so angry."

When his eyes filled with tears, I reached over the table to gently try and loosen the arms he had crossed in front of his chest. Reluctantly, he opened up and let me hold his hand.

"Baby, I know it's been hard. I know-" My voice quivered while he tried to compose himself and meet my eyes. He was right, I hadn't been myself lately and I was so sorry for everything. For last night, for what nearly happened in LA. He was the one person I wanted to keep trying for and I made a promise with the only words that mattered. "I'll do better."

Pedro nodded, the flicker of warmth in his moist eyes. He believed me. "Okay." He decided and merely the thought of ever disappointing him again broke my heart. Never in my entire life had I felt such shame. The tears that had gradually been filling my eyes spilled over and I watched them fall into my lap when I couldn't hold them any longer.

He cupped my cheek when a sob shook my body and raised my chin so he could look me in the eyes and make something clear. "I was scared, for you. And you- you don't understand how much it hurts when you run out the door like that. Please, at least let me know you're okay next time." He admitted quietly.

"I'm so sorry." I cried out.

"You were right, I was too controlling. And I'm sorry for letting you sleep on the couch and being too harsh on you." He sighed, wiped first mine, then his tears away before he regained his composure. "If you need time for yourself, I won't stop you."

"Not... time away from you but-" I sighed. "Maybe I just need to get back to work. Do my own thing again and work on some music."

"That's a very good idea." He smiled for the first time and it was soothing, even though something seemed to still weigh on his mind. "Can you promise me something?" His eyes snapped back up from our entwined hands and I braced myself to receive an expectation I would have trouble meeting. "Promise you'll tell me when you feel like I'm smothering you, so you won't start to resent me?"

Finally, the consequences of my actions had an impact when I realised he was definitely the more mature person about this. The fact that I made him worry about that deeply saddened me. "I could never resent you." I squeaked out, finally broken.

Pedro breathed out a relieved sigh when I threw myself into his arms and I could hold him tight. His shoulders sank low as he hid his face in the crook of my neck and hugged me close. He needed me as much as I needed him, right here and wrapped up in his arms.

"Lost my fucking Duolingo streak." He grumped, spoke muffled into my shoulder and triggered a peal of laughter to bubble up between us.

"I'm so sorry, angel. I really am." I replied nasally but somewhat relieved of all tension. Looking back at him, I wiped away the moisture underneath his eyes.

"It's okay now." He promised. "I promise it'll be okay."

I revelled in his gentle touch. "I'm sorry for being all wrong in the head." My voice thinned out.

He caught my chin between his finger and thumb. "Hey, hey, you're not. Look at me." I did, looking into his still glistening, beautiful brown eyes to see him sniff and brace me for some uplifting words. "You think there's something wrong with you? There's nothing. Absolutely nothing is wrong with you. Anxiety and depression fucking suck but you're gonna stop being so hard on yourself. It gets better, I promise. And when we fight, we fight hard but we love even harder." His eyes were so soulful and he was in every way, kindness and beauty while I was ashamed of the way I looked, felt and behaved. Somehow he made me feel deserving again just by looking at me.

"You don't know how much that means to me." I was hardly able to say through my throat closing up in tears as I held his face in between my palms. "I'm sorry, Pedro. My sweetheart." Gazing into his shimmery, yet determined eyes and finally seeing no sign of irritation in them lifted an enormous weight off my heart. A desperate need for closeness forced its way into our embrace. It was nearly too harsh, the way he pulled me closer when his fingers tangled into the roots of my hair like he'd lose me if he didn't but I needed it to survive.

He held me close for what felt like forever and again, I felt the need to just disappear within him. "Hey, I don't want a mentally stable partner. That's boring." I said in an uplifting tone and I nearly giggled. "Because that's not fun. It doesn't fit me. You fit me. I want you, with all of your issues. To me, you are perfect." He placed many, loving kisses on my head and made his devotion and immortal support finally resonate within me. I was a path without an end and he was happy to keep treading on it.

~

Part 3 - Coming Soon

~

Translation notes:

(it): nonna - (eng): grandma

(it): pronto - (eng): now

(dut): kut - (eng): cunt

[oksanas-sun]

hi, its me, i almost forgot!! how are you today? i'm good !! i've been pretty busy these few days :(( atleast friday is tomorrow, finally a break (phew)

also i have this amazing long snake plush from ikea and i think oksana has it cause its soft and its amazing and great and just amazing

anddd a question: who is your least favorite ke character and why? :))

hi!! today was good but i've had a pretty bad headache for the past few hours and i'm really tired too so i'll probably go to sleep early today. oh, i'm sorry you were so busy :/ was it at least good/enjoyable things that kept you busy? and yesss, friday! very happy about that ^-^

the snake plush sounds amazinggg, i'm sure oksana would love it too!! i love snakes :3

My least favorite ke character is a question that's easy for me to answer; Tatiana without a doubt! I could go into an entire novel-length rant about my reasoning for that but the short version is I hate that she hurt oksana so much. she was a lousy excuse of a mother and she caused the poor baby so much heartache and pain :(

Also wasn't a fan of Hugo. he just gave me the ick. so smug and entitled and disrespectful. really disliked him.

How about you, who's your least favorite character? ^-^

[sainamoonshine]

Was talking to one of my husband's aunt yesterday (aunt-in-law?) and she was like "oh are you writing another book?" And I was like "yes...? I mean technically I'm writing twelves books at once but yes, ofc I'm writing another book, why would I ever not be" and then I realized that, like, other people might see writing a novel as, like, a project. Like renovating your kitchen. You do it the one time, it's fun, then you move on. You might do it again later if the whimsy takes you. But it definitely is a project, and not like, a fully integral part of your personality and state of being.

And I was like oh no, sorry for the misunderstanding, you see the thing is my brain has never not had a story constantly simmering on the back burner. Could be an original, could be a fanfic, could be just me rehearsing the next time I go grocery shopping, but it's not ever not there lol. It's a default setting of my Operating system, you see? Like, idk, all these things in the windows task manager that run in the background all the time. Brain boots it up at launch. Tbh if I don't write the stories it gets all backed up in there and takes up massive amounts of RAM in my head I could be using for other things instead lol. So writing the stories down is just like, evicting some annoying tennants or doing some spring cleaning up there in the old thinking machine. If I don't do it I start feeling like a victorian woman having the vapors. I need to walk around and mumble for my health. Sometimes writing is like an excorcism, it's like, WHEN will this story leave me ALONE so I write it out and I sent it to other people to afflict them with it in turn. Other times there is no story up in there and I feel very wrong, like that's just... that's not supposed to happen??? But then I do other stuff for a while and like a field freshly harvested left to its own devices, the weeds return and I go oh, phew, okay it's back. Aw jeez now I gotta take out the weedwhacker before I get invaded. Why are there so many of them, where did that come from, is this an invasive specie?!

Publishing is just a side-effect, really. It's a little reward because I like making book covers and page layout. But the storytelling part is just like, an imperative. For my health.

So anyway yeah, I'm writing another book. 

[athania1309]

I reincarnated as Penelope Eckhart chapter 2

*Authors Note*(so there might be spoilers if you haven't read the manwha or novel yet so please bear with me :)  and there also will be swearing)

        Phew I survived now i still got to raise Reynold's and Derricks intimacy "hmm what else am i missing" I took a piece of paper and wrote down notes "if I remember clearly that the OG  Penelope was a commoner without even a last name then lost her mom to an illness at twelve, was adopted because the looked like Ivonne but then according to the spoilers she is actually dead and was possessed"... damn you author-nim lets just pray she isn't dead when Marquis Verdandi finds her, "but then when i grow older I will look nothing like Yvonne... haizzzzz" I sighed "thankfully my reputation isn't ruined.... yet T^T" i scribbled everything I said "plus Penelope became like this because of the damn household "

      "What else..." i wrote down the characters in the game and marked out eclis "eclis.... definitely not he's a jerk why got Penelope nearly killed " uuuhgg author-nim your so cruel even for me i sighed and wrote more notes i stopped at Callisto's name "Callisto... handsome but cruel... my bias T^T I can't definitely not he's also my grim reaper.... T^T ", then there is Derrick... that piece of sh*t no just no

     "Then there is the Marquis... Penelope increased his intimacy by ignoring him alot...." that's the plan I guess.

      Suddenly I heard a knock on my door, "My lady, the duke is waiting for you " the butler said, I shoved all of my notes into the drawer and opened the door.

(time skip to them walking in the hallway cuz why not)

    Damn these maids what is this pressure I've always been an introvert don't they need manners even if I am adopted I'm still the young lady here 

Knock knock "Your Grace it's the head butler I've bought Penelope here", "Come in" a familiar voice came from the room, I came in the room 

"Your here" the duke said while keeping his eyes on the documents, "why did you ask for me father" 

"the commotion this morning" he said, ah so its that "im sorry i wont do it again" i said meekly while keeping my head down hmph this atta do it how is me acting skill kyu kyu kyu thankfully i pressed the 'off choices button earlier'

"i won't cause any commotions" i got on my knees "i will take any probations you give me", his eyes widened in shock "you..." he said, i continued "i realized throwing tantrums from the past 2 years was a mistake please forgive me" if it means his favorability will rise i will keep begging for mercy even if it kills me.

He sighed "you may rise, I understand you may now leave eckhart's words carry great weight do not make a commotion again", "i understand" my head still low i got up and left. the moment i got out i sighed "phew"

-click clack- are you f*ckin kidding me "Penelope, Emily has worked here for a long time and she is one of the persons that was willing to be your personal maid due to you actions in the past years are you satisfied now that she is gone" he said

This dammed bastard she was the one who fkn fed she sht and pushed needles in my fkn arm and YOUR taking her side ah well I wasn't expecting anything form you anyways i composed myself "i deeply apologize young master" i said, his eyes widened in shock "what..." 

Dear brother i will beg for forgiveness for something i didn't do if it means i'll live "i will no longer create a commotion and live as quietly as possible" "since i wasn't able to handle it you don't need to fire a maid, i was just here begging to father for forgiveness so forgive me once more" then i left 

"i heard you ate rotten food, shouldn't you call for a physician" he said, that is exactly what he said to Penelope  i stopped i my tracks this bitch knew and blamed it on me this btch really gets on my nerve "don't worry young master like i said i won't cause anymore commotions so please don't worry about me" i left quickly and went to my room 

"haaaaaaaa~ im hungry~" i ploped on my bed "thankfully i still remember how to do this that fucker doesn't want me to call him brother so i won't its as easy as that"  -_- i fell asleep.....

................................................................................................................................................................

"why was this in your room"

"tf what..." oh..... its Penelope's dreams i remember reading this part it feels so nostalgic... this happened.... last year ... wait how do i know that aizzz nvm 

"answer you rat" Reynold said

"watch your mouth Reynold" he continued "answer me Penelope why do you have Yvvone's necklace i am sure i said not to enter her room"

"father there is no need for this i'm sure she stole it" reynold argued 

"I didn't do it I didn't do anything like that!!" the younger penelope pleaded

"Don't make me laugh! Then how did the birthday gift Yvonne received from father end up in your drawer "

damn this bitch really gets on my nerves why tf are you arguing to a little girl even i wouldn't go that far

the younger penelope pleaded more & more

what the.....

................................................................................................................................................................

So that's why haizzzz Reynold you damn bastard because of this Penelope buys a lot of jewelry even if it costs a fortune luckily for you I'm not interested with jewelry 

-knock knock....... open-

I snapped awake "!!" what now jeeez can't you give a girl some privacy oh.... the butler fennel

"What do you want!!" i said clearly showing anger 

"We need to decide a new personal maid for you" fennel replied

hmm lets try doing what Penelope did but then i would change the future.... eh worth a shot "what is your name head butler?" although asking this means no use to me cause i know his name but he still has to know his place 

"huh what?" he looked shocked, he reacted the same way to hmph "i asked for you name head butler", "its fennel my lady" hehehehehehhe lets try saying this my style but his reaction is to be expected i may look like a 14 year old but never underestimate me 

"you don't have a last name huh ok, then what is my name?",

 "my lady why are you asking for such things" 

"Answer me"

"its penelope eckhart"

"Exactly, Penelope Eckhart the young lady of this duchy, and yet i have never seen such etiquette wherein a commoner without a last name dare to enter a noble's room as they pleases do you know something i don't head butler"

"On top on that you dare enter a young lady's without permission what do you think baseless rumors will start going around "

"My lady!!"

"Do I need to spell everything out for you head butler"

"I apologize my lady" he got on his knees, "In my impatience I have wronged you... please forgive me"

Its going the same way as the novel but what can you expect so this is what it feels like to have power  ~W~ 

"I think it will be unpleasant for me to meet you so in the time being please send the head maid next time ah and for my dinner no need do you understand... i only need a yes or a no"

"yes my lady" he said and left

"ahhh~~~~ the feeling of power ~w~"

.

.

.

.

to bee continued i hope yall like it

[like-the-rest-of-la]

It really is kind of hilarious that eddie made buck christophers legal guardian if something happens to him and he just told no one. Like babe that is really importnat information that you should share with at least one person

God I know right???

I'm still so... why did you not tell Buck this before? Why keep it to yourself for over a year? Like, there were opportunities, eg., around Buck begins, where it would have made sense for Eddie to tell Buck, but... he just didn't talk about it. He just kept it to himself.

(I know we like to talk about the implication of feelings involved in and around the act of making Buck Chris' legal guardian and why it might have been so hard to articulate what exactly it meant to Eddie at that point, bc he probably wouldn't have been able to put it into words at that time but) Part of me also thinks it's because Eddie didn't really deal with the well incident, which was also a traumatic experience for him? (like, I know we talk about the shooting a lot, but... being buried alive, barely making it out of a collapsed well... that's no joke either (it's my absolute nightmare). Instead he tackled the problem that immediately presented itself to him (what will happen to my son if I'm gone) and once that was dealt with, he sealed the whole damn thing shut and then used the good old Diaz coping mechanism, he 'moved' on. Because that was what was expected of him after he returned from Afghanistan, right? and he thinks that he kinda failed that one a bit, cause he (selfishly, Eddie would probably say) needed time and it drove his wife away.

So, maybe he didn't talk to Buck at that time because it would have meant to talk about the well (Buck sure would have asked questions) and what it was like being faced with his own mortality again, with the fact that he easily could have died that day (which is now a whole new level of fucked up because Shannon is gone, he's the only parent left). And Eddie can't really do that. He can't talk but he can do something. And he does, controls the situation - problem solved. And it breaks my heart a bit. Cause I keep thinking about season 3 eddie in therapy FIGHTING TO NOT CRY, to keep it all bottled up. Because, sometimes I get the feeling that if he would talk about it... really talk, it would just all break out of him, and he'd definitely need a LOT more time then - which he doesn't allow himself, not again.

And then when he finally told Buck about the will, it was still a hard conversation for him to have, but, honestly, I think he did it more for Buck's sake than his own in that moment? (Which on the other hand is such a testament to how important their relationship is for Eddie sjjskdkkdkd!!!)

Idk, Eddie always has problems talking about the trauma that happened to him in relation to himself (only always in the effect it had/has on others). As much as he tells Chris that it makes things less scary when you talk about them, he can practically almost never do it.

The problem is that we're now at a point where he stuffed so much trauma down into the little Eddie-Diaz-box that he can't hold it in any longer, and it's spilling over (hello panic attacks) - and I think it's pretty telling that Chris is having problems as well atm, bc he is close to his dad, subconsciously or even consciously, he's noticing that Eddie is NOT okay, and children tend to mirror that. Basically, Chris threw Eddie's own fear back at him, when he said 'you could be dead next year' something that Eddie struggles to articulate and then deal with.

Anyway this got way too long, I'm so sorry omg!!! 🙈🙈🙈

[despisydraws]

I gave in to my longing for more Patron Minette in this fandom...

And yes: there are too many! But, because of various suggestion blogs and literally all of the fanfiction about them I binged... I made up various headcanons about their associates too and now I just can't leave them out anymore

In case this gets reblogged: names are in the tags of the original post (don't want to make this post too long) also, tap for better quality

[juanarc-thethird]

An Opportunity Has Arrive V2

Blake walks into her bedroom with a fancy box full of sushi.

Ruby: Wow! Where did you get that? Can I have some?

Blake: I'm sorry, but this is a deluxe box of sushi that was given to me as a gift. It is almost impossible to get one of these. So I don't plan on giving it away.

Ruby: *Sad* Aww

Yang: Who give you that? *teasing* Was it Sun?

Blake: Jaune actually.

Yang: Why would Jaune give you that?

Blake: I help him get a part time job with my mom.

Ruby: Doing what?

Blake: I don't know all the details, but my mom explained to me that it is a company involved in the entertainment business. They try to get models and drive them through different parts of the city.

Yang: Like one of those blogs where they take road trips? Do they promote businesses in the city?

Blake: I do not know. I did not ask. To be honest, I wasn't interested. I'm not into that kind of entertainment. I prefer for books.

Meanwhile.

Jaune is waiting on the street to be picked up. Until a white van appears.

A woman on the drivers seat call him out.

Kali: You are Jaune, correct? Blakes friend

Jaune: Oh yes that’s me. I’m guessing you are her mom, Mrs. belladonna.

Kali: That’s me and call me kali. Hop in, let’s get down to business.

Jaune gets inside the van and sees a beautiful girl in the back seat. Nothing weird about it but Jaune has a strange feeling.

Kali: Everything alright?

Jaune: I just had a feeling of deja vu, like I seen this before.

Kali: *Giggles* I don’t doubt it. We are pretty popular. You may have seen us from time to time. Now let me introduce you to your partner of the day, Sienna khan.

Sienna: *Smiling and licking her lips* Hello handsome.

Jaune: *Smiling innocently* Nice to meet you. *He turns to kali* So what do you need me to… do? *Sees kali setting a camera on the ground in front of him* What is the camera for?

Kali: Is to record the trip. Now just act natural and have fun. *She smiles and press the record button* Part 2 by @darkvaga -------------------

Sometime later

Blake is casually reading one of his "artistic" novels. Suddenly she hears the door open very quietly. Blake: Hello Jaune, how was mother's job for you? Not too stressful I hope

Jaune: oh no..very simple....though you forgot that your mother loves to talk & flirt......alot

Blake: *chuckles not looking from her book* oops, i guess i forgot about that 😅

Jaune: yeah you did.....also asked if i was interested in giving her grand babies with her rebel daughter

Blake: *shrinking into her book* d..d..dang it mom!

Jaune: *chuckled* don't worry i stuttered too much to answer

Blake: still embarrassing.....*sniffes the air* hey...do you smell something.....musky?

Jaune:..*stuttering* oh...umm..uh..yeah...its me...phew, i should go shower....bye! *rushes to the bathroom door*

Blake: hey jaune?

Jaune: yeah!?

Blake:....nvm....thanks for helping my mom

Jaune:...sure...*closes the door*

In the bathroom, jaune strippes out his clothes revealing his body once more ccovered in lipstick stains...rather sloppy ones mind you as well as claw marks

Jaune: holy cow.....faunus are wild....i think I'm down a few gallons....i didn't even know i could shot that much......thankfully blake didnt notice....

After a nice shower in jaune's bedroom

Jaune *staring at his scroll*

Kali: "can't wait to play again~"

Jaune:....definitely......though i need a break for a bit....

Kali: "Great!...see you tomorrow stud~~..."

Jaune: *gulping* i barely survived.the first time.......but my dad didnt raise a quiter "Sure thing my lady"

His scroll rings a second time

Jaune: from...Blake?

Blake: "i know what you guys did~ ready for round 10?"

"Nobody's home but us~~~"

Blake got her answer when Jaune burst through her door like an animal

[leportraitducadavre]

https://subakunosaara.tumblr.com/post/659826310130089984/itachi-uchiha-not-a-villain-thank-you-very-much

I'm sorry to bother you but what do you think of this post?

Oh -wow, jesus; mixing the canon manga with a novel not written by Kishimoto (therefore, not canon), to justify the mass murderer.

Like, I get it, they like Itachi -but no one (not even himself, might I remind you), disputed the notion that he was -in fact, a criminal and that he didn't regret killing all those innocent people (he was well past twelve when saying that, also).

He's apparently too young and therefore manipulated, yet isn't depicted in the novel how he also killed one of the coup planners after he killed his wife and child in front of him? Not a villain -but definitely a cruel boy. Guess Danzo forced him to behave like that as well, what an awful old man!

When Itachi was seven he watched Obito kill his teammate, Tenma. This event awakened Itachi’s Sharingan. Then his father had the audacity to congratulate Itachi on getting his dojutsu.

The audacity of a man to congratulate his child for awakening their doujutsu! I know he didn't exactly say "thank fuck that teammate of yours died" -b-BUT HE COULD HAVE!

Also, yes, this is the same man that refused to fight him and allowed him to kill him without offering resistance -because, well, I guess the novel gave a fuck about everyone's canonic characterization. So, you see, Fugaku was mean! We should be thankful Itachi killed him! I mean he CONGRATULATED HIM.

He was forced to watch his clan plan a coup

Yeah, dude, he was forced to see his clan plan a coup, like, by the Hokage but still, HE WAS FORCED.

that would almost definitely fail and get all the Uchiha killed.

Oh, thank fuck Itachi was able to prevent all the Uchiha from dying, phew, dodged a bullet there.

At twelve fucking years old, Danzo offered him something he couldn’t refuse because he was twelve and felt cornered. Danzo told him that if Itachi massacred the Uchiha, then they would let Sasuke live.

Wait...

Why didn’t Itachi choose his clan? Because they were horrible to him. They verbally abused him and accused him of being a traitor for not agreeing with the coup, they had Shisui spy on Itachi, and they literally accused him of killing Shisui.

YES. I MEAN -how dare they suspect he spied on them who was simply spying on them and accused him of being a traitor when he was just telling his clan secrets to Konoha's government. They were so abusive so of course in retaliation he will murder them all, including the children that never spoke to him, and not the guy who actually threatened Sasuke, nono, to his mom and dad who loved Sasuke very much! YEAH. Think about it what if Fugaku ended up congratulating Sasuke for awakening his Sharingan? UNTHINKABLE.

If you read Itachi Shinden you really start to understand Itachi’s resentment of his clan’s all or nothing view point.

Yeah, you see? Now that I've read her input of the novel, I totally get it

Itachi never planned for Sasuke to know the truth about the massacre. That’s why he seemed so cruel. It was literally because he decided to let Sasuke hate him forever if it meant that Sasuke could live.

Not because he tortured him physically and mentally or because he killed everyone else, nono.

Every fucking thing Itachi did was for Konoha’s ungrateful ass and Sasuke angsty ass.

That's right -fuckers, Sasuke should have stopped whining about his brother killing his entire family, psh!

Oh, what was that? Did Itachi admit to his errors when handling Sasuke's trauma? Oh, well, but that was written by Kishimoto's Itachi -not Takashi Yano's Itachi, which is clearly far more canon than the one we see in the actual manga.

So shut up and read Itachi shinden if you still think Itachi is evil. Fake ass fans

YOU TELL THEM GIRL

[ddarker-dreams]

hello ! this is my first time sending an ask and i had to say i love your writing and im excited to see where deep sea is going <3 the world youre building is so interesting and i cant wait to see whats going on with maiko darling!! i wanted to ask, whats your planning process like for longer fics like this, or how do you normally write fics in general? ive been lowkey wanting to get into writing fanfic, but im not sure how to start, especially since i worry abt writing a character wrong 😭

OMG this ask,, thank you so very much!!! deep sea ended up turning into more of a lengthy project than i originally anticipated, not that i'm complaining. i think there's a lot to explore there and i'm excited to get to everything that i have planned. as for my writing process... i learned a lot from hell within reach, which i started last year, since it was my first venture into novel length territory hrjtmkg (i still need to finish the last chapter but i'll get to it eventually). i think the main thing i learned is that organization, my greatest weakness, is vital for long fics/stories in general.

deep sea's development has been a touch cleaner than HWR since i've been trying to apply what i learned. to give some insight into the process, it looked like:

early early planning phase: getting a rough idea of what i wanted, mostly the reader’s story and how it relates to scaramouche. not very structured. just lots of ideas that didn’t even play off each other yet. i messed around with various possibilities, just kinda throwing stuff at the wall to see what would stick. brainstorming and such. 

research phase: basically what i talked about in this post! i did reading, watched interviews, the like. took a bunch of notes, made a vocabulary list, the works. this is also where i came up for the name of deep sea’s okiya, shinju-an. i ran the name through a good friend of mine who is fluent in japanese to see if my research on naming teahouses was correct, which it apparently was. phew.

plot outline 1.0: a bare bones outline. breaking down every character’s motivation, how that would move the plot along, etc. i ended up scrapping like 80% of plot outline 1.0, but the core elements remained the same. 

writing chapter 1 and crying: basically what it sounds like... kinda a rough test to see how well i could (or couldn’t) pull all these various concepts together into something coherent. 

plot outline 2.0: at this point certain things go on the chopping block. i shed a tear for each idea i liked that i must get rid of so the story makes literally any sense to anyone who isn’t me . this is where i changed misato’s role in the story (very drastically), started fleshing out maiko darling’s backstory more, along with how keiko and ishioka would impact the overall narrative rather than making them like. forgettable background characters. it was mostly the very middle of the story/the end that gave me trouble... i’m still slightly undecided on the specifics of the ending, but the general idea is figured out.

back to chapter 1 with Mostly everything figured out: most of the first chapter was finished, i just went through and cleaned it up. added lil hints that made me feel sneaky. started wondering why i put so much effort into yandere genshin impact fanfic and not my schoolwork. 

some important things to note — every time i felt discouraged or blocked by not knowing where the story should go next, i forced myself to take a break rather than soldiering in. this was kinda a new technique for me. i normally like to have everything Nice and Clean and Finished as soon as possible. i feel as if this mindset helped me a lot in the long run! a good night’s sleep is sometimes the best remedy to feeling frustrated when the story isn’t coming out like how you pictured. there’s nothing wrong with taking breaks. 

as for how i write my regular, non multi-chaptered fanfic... i kinda... just wing it. 😭 i’m sorry that probably sounds very disappointing. i wanted to challenge myself with deep sea, but for my other fics, i consider it more of a fun outlet. i’ll get an idea i like, start writing without ceasing, get to the end, and then look back/edit through the mess i just typed. it’s a lot more simple. 

[amythedvdhoarder]

Hey i am new here and I live for your work!!

Tell me, is there any chance we can have the other parts for 'Stockholm Syndrome'? Cause I am obsessed with your writing and phew, lemme say you are talented!

Hope you are safe and sound :)

This is so sweet! Welcome to this hell site ☺️ I'm sorry it took so long to reply, I haven't been on here much but am hoping to rejoin the party.

Yes, there is more to Stockholm Syndrome to come amongst some other things too!

There are loads of other people on here who you may or may not have come across.

@drabblewithfrannybarnes write the best stuff! Her series of firsts never fails to get me. Also she has a Hockey AU on the go which I am going to catch-up on this weekend.

@angrythingstarlight is the Queen of smut, her mafia and biker series are to die for.

@navybrat817 her stories have me melting and constantly trying to decide with Seb character I would rather marry.

@sweater-daddiesdumbdork has the best alpha!steve series and I live for the updates on the Pack

@wiypt-writes her series with her OFC Katie and Steve is like a full on novel and I am obsoletely obsessed. Think I read it non-stop for 3 days.

There are so many more amazing writers here, I am sure you will love it! 😘

[ruki-mukami-dl]

Hey Admin. Can you do a scenario with Ruki and his bookworm s/o.

How is he when they go to a library to read or to a bookstore and his s/o shows him all the books and tell him about them. When they arrive home and read toghether. And so on.

(I really love reading and Ruki so much💞💞so If you could do this I'll be very happy. Thanks💞💞💞💞)

ー The scene starts in the bookstore

[*lost in thought, he reads the first lines of the new bestseller novel*]

R: Good grief. So cliched. And this book is a bestseller? Ridiculous.

[*he is torn from his thoughts when he is suddenly grabbed by the arm and dragged along*]

S/o: Ruuuuki. Come on. You have to see that.

R: Oi, calm down. I'm coming.

[*he notices how she starts to shine when she presents him the complete crime series collection that she likes so much; because of her happy sight, he slowly begins to smile*]

S/o: Do you see? The complete collection!

R: Do you want the collection?

[*she looks at the price tag*]

S/o: Phew... It's pretty expensive.

R: No matter. Do you want it?

[*she smiles at him*]

S/o: No. I wish it for my birthday. Today I'm just buying one book.

[*he smiles proudly at her*]

R: You’re such a modest livestock.

[*she raises her eyebrow*]

S/o: Livestockーー...?

[*she mumbles*]

S/o: You know I don't like it when you call me that.

[*he notices her sad look because he called her livestock; he tries to ignore her expression*]

R: Hmph... Let's go home. You should eat something.

[*she accompanies him to the checkout without comment; when he tries to pay for her book, she gives him an angry look*]

S/o: I'll pay myself.

[*during the drive, he stares lost in thought out the window; only when the limousine stops in front of the manor does he return from his thoughts*]

R: Liveーー... (name s/o), you gonna take a shower before dinner?

S/o: Yes, that was my plan.

R: Well, take your time.

ー In the manor

[*some time later she enters the kitchen; to her surprise, he isn't there*]

S/o: Ruki? Where are you?

[*she hears his voice very softly*]

R: In the living room. Come here.

[*when she enters the living room she hardly trusts her eyes; there are two delivered pizzas and a bottle of lemonade on the small table; the flickering fireplace provides a pleasant warmth; classical music is playing softly in the background*]

S/o: What's going on here? Pizza in the living room?

R: You don't like itーー Hmm... You think it's boring... Haah... I know I'm a dull man. I'm sorry.

[*she goes to him and hugs him*]

S/o: Don't talk such nonsense. You're not a dull man. It’s just so unusual. And it's absolutely perfect!

R: Are you sure?

[*she smiles*]

S/o: Of course! Come on, let's eat the pizza before it gets cold.

[*during dinner he tells her about a book he got from that man; she listens carefully; when he analyzes the book down to the smallest detail, she has to smile; suddenly he interrupts his lecture and gets a gift for her*]

R: (name s/o), I have something for you.

S/o: To me? Why are you giving me something? It's not my birthday at all.

R: What a cruel-hearted man I would be if I didn't give you a little attention every now and then.

[*she smiles at him*]

S/o: Thank you so much.

[*excitedly, she unwraps the gift; her eyes light up when she sees the crime series collection*]

S/o: OH MY GODーー!

[*she kisses him again and again*]

S/o: Thank you so much. You're totally crazy. And you're the best.

R: As your master it's my duty to make you happy.

[*she snuggles up to him*]

S/o: Will you read the book to me?

[*he looks surprised at her; then he smiles*]

R: Of course. I gladly do that.

[*he looks deep into her eyes*]

R: You're really precious to me. Stay by my side. Forever.

[*he kisses her*]

R: I love you (name s/o).

S/o: I love you too.

[*he begins to read; she nuzzles her head on his shoulder and happily listens to his words*]

((I hope you like it 💕