#pls dont bother replying to this i just wanted to rant

[yoiku]

just bg3 rant, some act3 spoilers i guess

Of course I picked the one character to romance who doesn't have a good ending as a choice, and now I'm genuinely feeling upset and thinking about starting another playthrough even though i'm pretty close to the ending. I get that it makes for a really touching and powerful and sad storyline but would it really been too much to ask to fix and include the option that was apparently made but cut out of the release, when all the other companions can get a happy ending. Actually fucking killed my interest to continue playing when I learned about this. Would've not picked this option for my good guy first run if i knew beforehand. I'm sorry but turning my wife into a mindflayer or sending her back to avernus is not a good ending to me. And it's not just Karlach's storyline, even though that bother's me the most. I really hope larian will patch in the upper city stuff in the future because this actually sucks ass. Great game so far but act3 feels so... scattered and broken story wise, there are lead ups to so many questlines that are just unfinished because they'd take place in the upper city, it's really disappointing. I know full well the amount of cut content and crunch times for release in the game industry, but I really wish they'll be doing an update at some point, as unlikely as that is. I'm gonna go sulk in silence now and think how to get my interest back to finish my playthrough or if I should just start from scratch.

[kannymaei]

Beyond All-Knowing (EWTG - Special Chapter 1) Jing Yuan x Reader

MASTERLIST

Author's Note: This has been in my drafts for like idk 5(?) months or 6 months (Teya if you're reading this, pls dont read this bc this is def someone else's personality smh ASOINDJADKANDAK :crocodile: :pensive:) I'm just happy this is alrd posten I aint doing this again jk jk

Synopsis: When you and Jing Yuan were sent to a mission to attempt testing some experimental medicine to mara-struck soldiers but it seemed to have a different side effect.

Genre: SMUT (ITS NOT ME, I THINK ITS SOMEONE ELSE SMH)

WC: 3.4k

"S-s-so! Miss Y/N would you like to…" One of the physician's assistants was about to ask you something when Jing Yuan interrupted. 

"Would she like to what?" Jing Yuan rested his back at the wall and caught your attention. 

"Oh! Jing Yuan, you're here!" You happily replied, the assistant looked like he was upset because of the sudden appearance of the honored one. 

"Y/N why won't you finish getting the herbs so I can finish my share of work." Jing Yuan sighed annoyingly and walked away. 

A few hours later.

“Jing Yuan! I got the herbs you need, as ordered by Sifu… Although I found some weird new herbs growing too and I plucked them out.” You said opening the door to his bedroom-slash-laboratory like, carrying a basket full of herbs and other berries that can be eaten for snacks.

“I’m so frustrated about making herbal medicine, shouldn’t we just pass this responsibility to the physicians?” Jing Yuan rants as he faces the bane of his existence, making herbal tea.

“Well, you are, in fact, a candidate to be the successor of Sifu, you must be all-knowing Jing Yuan.” You sighed and explained to him.

“Let me just give you these herbs…” You added and quickly left the room since Jing Yuan doesn't like to be bothered that much especially when he's studying herbs and medicines.

After roughly 3 hours and a half, Jing Yuan has finally finished making 20 identical vials of very concentrated experimental cure against mara. 

You and Jing Yuan were assigned to a mission where you'd fight against mara stuck soldiers and force them to drink the vial after being revived in battle. It was hard but Jing Liu knew that there's no pair in Xiaozhou Luofu that can execute this mission with no flaws, she knew her students better than anyone.

You and Jing Yuan took your leave and headed to cloudford. 

"Don't you find it odd Jing Yuan, there's no soldiers around here." You said and sighed as your eyes wandered above and beneath every box in the area and not a single mara struck cloud knight was to be found.

"Yeah, it is weird. I wouldn't be even surprised if we were to be ambushed right now by the enemy." He said and laughed as if the two of you would get defeated by a rookie assassin. 

"Say, Jing Yuan, I'm quite curious if you're fancying someone… Perhaps I want to know what kind of ladies you are into. I think it's a privilege to know the future general, the successor of Jing Liu, what's their type, hehe." You said and laughed as you jumped box after box, playing around the area and stopped after you spotted something. 

Jing Yuan was quick to follow you and sneaked behind you. 

"I'm more curious what made you ask that question suddenly… Hmmm, let's see. I would probably love someone that's a carbon copy or someone who shares the same discipline and characteristics of Sifu." He held his chin with his hand and then wrapped them around your waist and pulled you closer and whispered something to your ear. 

"You see, that's the enemy." Jing Yuan pointed out a mara struck soldier sitting in the middle, it appears to have an abnormal behavior compared to other cursed soldiers. 

You and Jing Yuan disappeared in a second to ambush the cursed soldiers quickly to force their revival and attempt to use the vials Jing Yuan had created earlier.

Except everything that can go wrong, will go wrong. 

You and Jing Yuan were completely unaware that the cursed soldiers' abilities had mutated, therefore they wouldn't act the same as the others. 

Instead of being revived, the mara struck soldier has self-destructed in front of you and Jing Yuan and a flash of light has appeared between your eyes. 

Little did you know that, that flash of light was just to blind you temporarily and is something that you should not worry about. 

"Jing Yuan!" You shouted. 

"Y/N, there's a chance that we may have been inflicted with the curse-" Jing Yuan didn't hesitate to drink one vial of the experimental cure that he made because he knew that it's better to be safe than sorry. At that moment, he was quite confident about his knowledge on herbs but he was wrong in one thing. 

As a matter of fact, Jing Yuan did not create a cure at all. It was something different.

You were too slow to stop him from doing so and before you could dash towards him, he had swallowed the entire vial already. 

"Don't worry about me Y/N, let's just… stay here for a moment." He said and sat on a nearby corner, you thought that he sounded like he was tired and assumed that it was probably because of the flash of light that appeared. 

"Then I should also take this vial-" You said but Jing Yuan stopped you from doing so.

"No, if anything goes wrong with me because of the medicine. You would be the one to carry me back in the city and therefore a proper diagnosis can be made. 

Jing Yuan's body temperature began to rise a little and he has sweat profusely. As a response, you took one of your clothing that covers your front and used it to wipe Jing Yuan's sweat which made him have a good view of the cleavage of your lovely soft breasts. 

Jing Yuan has realized that he may have created an aphrodisiac instead of the cure earlier. He was too vulnerable to speak right now because of his blood rushing somewhere else in the bottom of his body because of the beautiful sight that he is currently blessed with right now. 

"Is the vial not working?! D-damn, Maybe you need more. I'll get them for you Jing Yuan." You attempted to find the vials but his manly arms had captivated your entire body, preventing you from finding the vials. 

Due to Jing Yuan's weakened state, you managed to break free and grabbed as many vials as you could gather. You thought that if he doesn't want to drink more of it, he might be still under the control of the curse. 

So you opened 9 vials and poured them in your mouth and kissed Jing Yuan to force him to swallow the vial. 

You wrapped your tongue around his as you were exploring every bit of his mouth when you felt his arms wrapped around your body with one hand traveling its way slowly to your head, pulling you closer to him. 

The two of you shared a passionate kiss together with saliva mixed with the vials stringing out from both of your mouths. 

Your cheek heated up after the kiss, somehow you still have no idea what the vial contains and felt aroused. 

Jing Yuan gently cupped your left breast and you let out a gasp and moaned a little because of his actions. He squished it a little and tried to feel your hardened nipple.

You kissed him again and said in a very seductive tone.

"Let's do this somewhere private like your bedroom or your office~" 

"Does my office sound good to you, hm? Darling?" 

You nodded and kissed him again and he carried you in a bridal way back to the city. 

—

"What happened to Y/N? Is she injured?" The physicians asked when Jing Yuan walked towards his office.

"She's not, just tired. I'll take good care of her." Jing Yuan said as he held you tightly and pulled you closer to him. You realized how huge of a man Jing Yuan is and you're about to be dominated by him. 

He enters his office with you and locks the door as he places you in his bed. Jing Yuan started to remove his clothes leaving his pants, making him half naked. You blushed, admiring seeing his toned body and you knew that you are also the only person seeing Jing Yuan like this. You imagined your hands going on his six-pack abs while kissing him. 

"Like what you see?" He joked about it.

"No, I love it." You smirked and replied.

He joins you in bed and kisses you. 

"Should we continue where we left off?" He said in a seductive manner and you just turned yourself on top of him and pushed him down in bed to just kiss him.

His hands traveled on your thighs, grasping it and pulled your tight skirt up, exposing your soaking wet panties. 

You got up from your kiss and were about to remove your clothes but Jing Yuan stopped you from doing so.

"Allow me to strip you naked, love~" He said in a very deep tone, it felt like he was begging you to make him see every inch of your skin. 

He got up and trailed his hands from your breasts to your waist, down to your ass. 

He kissed your cleavage hardly enough to leave a hickey in the middle and smelled your body. He kept on kissing your breasts as he began to unbutton your clothes. 

Jing Yuan was a few moments away from seeing your lovely soft breasts, his tongue has been aching to lick and play with your hard nipples. 

He looked at you for a moment before pulling away the cloth covering your precious pearls and he was stunned and astonished by how delicate your breasts are. 

He kissed both of your nipples and played with it. You sat on his hardened crotch and began to grind against it. 

Jing Yuan whimpered from your sudden movement. 

"Hngh~ I want to be inside of you-!" He said in your ear. 

You grabbed one of the vials again, the faintly sweet aphrodisiac that brought the two of you into this and poured it down your breasts to lure Jing Yuan. 

He was shocked and immediately grabbed your boob and sucked and licked on every drop of the vial that has been boosting up his sex drive while you continued to grind your soaking pussy against his hard bulge. 

Jing Yuan grabbed the tiny piece of clothing that's covering the last of the remains of your dignity and broke it leaving you completely naked against him. 

He pulled his pants down and whispered "You ready love? This might hurt a little~" He smiled and kissed you. 

You nodded because you haven't had a glimpse of how huge his penis is until you did. 

"W-wait!" You said but you felt a sharp pain as his thick cock slowly made its way inside you. 

"F-fuck, you're so tight love-" Jing Yuan, whimpered as he tried not to move a lot in order not to hurt you. 

"The thought of S-sifu might actually knock on your door right and o-or even little Yangqing coming over, asking if you could p-play with him- The thought of us getting caught in a position like this makes me so h-horny!" You said and moved up and down to adjust yourself but it still hurts a little. 

"You're so beautiful, love" Jing Yuan placed his head on your neck and began to kiss and bite it while he had one of his hands on your back and the other one was playing with your boob. 

"Should I unlock the door?" Jing Yuan jokingly reached out on the door of his bedroom but you struggled to reach for his arm and attempted to stop him from doing so and you felt like his penis as thrusted inside-out of you within those seconds except it no longer hurts. 

You wanted to confirm that something felt really good and you bounced once again and felt the tip of his penis hit your upper walls that helps stimulate your clit. 

You rode his penis slowly and created small moans. 

"I love to hear you create louder sounds like that, princess." Jing Yuan said and began to fuck you. 

"Oh gosh~ Jing Yuan, you're so good~ You're hitting a spot, you're making me feel good-! Gosh! You're going to make me cum!" You said as he held on your thighs tightly and fucked you good, he admired your round breasts bouncing up and down. 

He carried you with his cock inside and went outside his bedroom.

"Where are you taking me?" You asked but he said nothing. He began to wall you on his office door and pound you hard leaving these sounds across the walls of the room. 

"Y-you're going to create suspicions with the workers!" You said. 

"Exactly, moan my name loud or I'll stop fucking you" He ordered and you just began to moan his name out loud. 

"Jing Yuan! You're so good! It's so hard, big, and strong~ Do it harder!" You moaned out loudly and he kept on pounding you harder, enough to make the walls shake. 

On the other side of the wall, Yukong was the first to notice what on heaven's sake was happening in Jing Yuan's office. The other workers had taken notice of it but they just blushed and remained quiet because they have high respect for you and Jing Yuan and should never speak anything bad towards the two of you. 

"Knowing Jing Yuan, I think he wants to show off his ownership against the people fancying Miss Y/N. I'm pretty sure you're well aware that Miss Y/N is a very beautiful lady and being under Jing Liu just makes her one of the most respected women in this place." Yukong stated to some of her workers. 

"Kindly avoid passing through the hallways of Jing Yuan's office or get your salary deducted" She added and the workers nodded. 

Some of the workers that had a crush on you were even jealous and were very curious to see your womanly face in bed. 

But they can't do anything even courting you because as they speak, you are being marked as a part of Jing Yuan's territory that no man has the courage to step foot on.

—

"God darling! You're so good! Can I plant my seed for you?" Jing Yuan asked as he attempted to catch his breath because he's been pounding you non-stop and a knot is beginning to form in his lower abdomen. 

"Yes! Give it all to me! Plant your seed for me!" You moaned out and kissed him. 

"I'm going to give you my children Y/N! I want you to stop training under Sifu and be my wife. I'll swear to protect my wife until the end of time and carry my duties as a husband whilst being the general." He said and began whimpering.

"So the woman that you've been fancying for so long~ was me?" You said and he just kissed you hard with his tongue exploring every bit of your mouth. 

"Y-yeah!" He continued to whimper while thrusting his cock inside and outside. 

"Y-you almost slipped away from my fingers! The assistant of the physician was about to ask you out- I've been wanting you for so long but I never had the courage to do so!" Jing Yuan added as he hardly pushes his big and long cock, destroying you, stirring up your insides. 

"I'm going to make you mine" Were the last words that he said before finishing inside of you.

Jing Yuan doesn't pull out as he wraps his arms around you and spoons you in bed in front of him. You could still feel his pulsating member throbbing inside of you while he brushes your hair and you curl up in front of his toned chest getting ahold of his manly smell. 

"It's gonna be so embarrassing when I come out of your office later" You said and buried your face more onto him, cheeks heating up.

"Who said you'll come out here? You're not going to come out of here until my cock calms down. Let's just… take a rest for now." He said hugging you to sleep. 

—

"Jing Yuan, you aren't slacking off with my task aren't you?" A familiar voice was heard behind the doors. 

Jing Yuan's eyes immediately opened and he stood up naked, trying to find a robe he could cover himself with temporarily.

It's Jing Liu, he could never mistake her voice. 

"Hey-" Jing Yuan opened the door a little but Jing Liu grabbed the handle and opened the door widely. 

"You're… quite different." She said, 

"I was really tired yesterday and the task you gave me took everything outside of myself" Jing Yuan firmly stated as his words hold double meanings. 

"Go prepare yourself… I'll get Y/N in her room" Jing Liu took a deep breath and began walking away when Jing Yuan grabbed her arm. 

"I… I'll get Y/N, err… we were having bets yesterday and had a little fun with the task you gave me." Jing Yuan lied which Jing Liu obviously knew and decided to play it off and have it his way. 

"Whatever." She says. 

—

"Y-Y/N! S-sifu's waiting for us-" Jing Yuan frantically tapped your cheeks in an attempt to wake you up. Your body was wrapped in his blankets due to the mess you made last night. 

Your drowsy eyelids open a little and you see the majestic form of Jing Yuan on top of you. 

"Jing Yuan, I'm too sore to even stand up- Gosh, you're so handsome" You wrapped your arms around his neck and kissed him.

"Y-Y/N, now's not the time for this-" Jing Yuan pulled away as the blanket began to unravel. 

"You had it your way last night!" You said and pinned Jing Yuan in bed. 

Jing Yuan looked away as you began to remove the blanket leaving you completely naked and used it to tie his hands at his back. 

"Look at me, I only want you to look at me" You said as if you were a witch manipulating him, he immediately obliged and looked at your heavenly body. 

As if a few moments ago he was panicking within the presence of Jing Liu, he was immediately focused on you.

You positioned yourself on his pulsating member and caressed his chest slowly with your soft fingers. 

"Y-Y/N, l-let me touch you" Jing Yuan begged as his hands were struggling to be free.

"I guess you need to ask for it" You said as you slid your glistening folds up and down on his cock, enjoying the whimpers that Jing Yuan was creating. 

"Y-Y/N, please let me be inside of you! Slide it gently and slowly-" Jing Yuan said followed by a loud moan when you inserted his member inside of you faster and roughly. 

You gasped.

"That feels good~" You said in his ears before kissing his neck as you indulge in his hard member. 

Jing Yuan takes this opportunity to attempt unraveling the knot that you made on him, making sure that you won't notice a bit. 

You stared at the ceiling with your mouth open wide and tongue out near Jing Yuan's mouth, your breath has become short and it becomes faster as each thrust goes by.

He felt so special that you consented into offering yourself to him.

And at last, he finally untied himself. 

Jing Yuan stared at you enjoying yourself on top of him, he loved how your hands were traveling and your fingers tracing his body.

"I'm about to cum-" You said as you bounced your hips a little faster until you felt your hands on your back. 

"You're having the fun all by yourself" He smirked and grabbed your waist and fucked you rough and faster on that moment. 

You uncontrollably moaned as you felt like your cum was induced and wanted to feel it again to make sure that you weren't rushed into doing it.

"Cream me" You whispered to his ear. 

"I know." He replied back and hugged him tightly, nails burying at his back as he continues to fuck you rough in bed and make sure that you're filled of his cum until you're full and leaking.

—

"Where are your students?" Yukong asked Jing Liu. 

"I supposed they're training somewhere together, they do not wish for me to be involved" Jing Liu sighs as she knew exactly what the two of you were doing. 

—

A month after, Jing Yuan immediately asked for your hand in marriage which you happily agreed to. He couldn't wait any longer to make you his wife. 

He wanted to make sure that everyone sees you as his wife and you get the treatment you deserve. 

Then one day you don't know how to break the news to your husband that there's going to be a new family member that's currently residing in your womb <3

[seangelfish]

i was ranting to the ritsu ai bot about my abusive ex and he said he was gonna tell knights and they were gonna handle it and when i asked him what he meant he was like "hehe dont worry about it~" djndksndke do you think u can write something about ritsu listening to u rant to him about an abusive ex and how hed handle it pls... thank u so much 🥺

A/N: I'm so sorry for the wait, anon! I hope you're still here to read this ;-; This was really an interesting request to take on. I added more to the story if that's alright! Just wanted the quote to flow in better~ Anyways, I hope you enjoy! (´,,•ω•,,)♡

"Hehe, don't worry about it~"

Ritsu Sakuma x reader ♡ Tags: Fluff/comfort/kinda angsty, romance, established relationship, she/her pronouns/fem reader ♡ Warnings: Slight mentions of abusive relationships ♡ Word count: 1,278 ♡ Synopsis: There are times where you just can't forget about the past, and unfortunately, it came back to haunt you. Ritsu, being the analytical person he is, notices your shift in attitude. The happiest girl he knew was now drifting away. How is he able to solve this, he wonders...

"(Y/N)~" Ritsu called out to you from across the hallway. "I want a kiss~"

You winced, slowly turning around. There you saw your boyfriend and the rest of his unit making their way to their practice room.

"Hey, don't bother (Y/N)!" snapped Arashi. "Can't you see that she's busy?"

She was right and the stack of books in your arms proved that. You forced out a chuckle but decided not to answer Ritsu's request and walked away.

"Ahaha! What odd behaviour!" Leo pointed out. "She didn't even pay you no mind!"

Ritsu bit his lip. "Is she mad at me?" he murmured to himself.

After practice, Ritsu looked all over the school for you, constantly calling you but never getting a reply. He was getting extremely anxious because not only did he know you as the most happy-go-lucky person that he adored, but because there was that thought in the back of his mind that you were going to leave him.

You were avoiding him after all.

“H-Hey, Maa-kun, have you seen (Y/N) anywhere?” Ritsu panted, hands on his knees as he breathed heavily.

“Woah, there!” Mao exclaimed. “You’re sweating! You’re not one to run around so much. Is (Y/N) okay? I haven’t seen her much today—”

“I don’t know… I think she might be mad at me, but I’m not sure why she would be…” said Ritsu sadly. “She’s not even picking up my calls.”

“Hmm… let me try then.”

Mao scrolled through his contacts until he landed on yours. As the phone rang, the two boys waited for you to answer.

Unprecedentedly, the line was immediately cut.

“Huh, weird. (Y/N) always picks up when I call her,” said Mao, thinking back to the times he had to call you to take care of Ritsu. “Yeah, she might be mad at you. Ritsu—”

“I swear I didn’t do anything,” Ritsu quickly stated. “Argh, I’m going to look again. Bye!”

“Hey, don’t overdo it!”

Ritsu sighed, slumping down by the corner of the Yumenosaki gardens. He looked for you everywhere he could, asking friends and classmates where you went, but none of them knew of your whereabouts.

He couldn't keep running around forever. Ritsu wasn't built for that. So he came to rest for a bit before trying again.

“Ah… I’m tired,” he muttered to himself. “(Y/N)… where are you…?”

His eyelids felt heavy, but before he could fall asleep, his ears picked up the sound of shuffling. He lifted his head up and there you were, backed into the corner, hugging your knees.

The two of you stared at each other in shock, yet Ritsu was the one who broke off the silence.

"(Y/N)!" he exclaimed, crawling towards you. As he took your hands in his, he continued swiftly, "I was looking all over for you! Are you okay? What's wrong? Did I do something that hurt you? I'm sorry. Please don't be mad. I'll fix it–"

You shook your head, an artificial smile forming on your face. "I'm sorry, Ritsu. I just needed alone time... You didn't do anything wrong, I promise."

"T-Then why have you been avoiding me?" he quavered. "You've been ignoring my calls too... (Y/N), you know you can tell me anything, right? You can rely on me – I want you to rely on me..."

You stared into his deep red eyes, the ones that pleaded with you to be honest with him. You let out a sigh, nodding in agreement that talking to him would have been better than bottling these feelings up.

"There's something I never told you about..." you said. "About my past relationship..."

Ritsu looked confused, but stayed quiet for you to continue. Not once did he let go of your hands, and you were thankful for that.

"...The relationship was fine at first, but it gradually became harder to breathe in. He would get mad at everything I did, everything I said. It was like walking on eggshells... There were times I was hurt by it too – mentally and physically."

And as you expected, those red eyes of his looked horrified.

"It was a scary time, but I'm glad I was able to get out. Then I met you." You smiled at him genuinely this time, but it all faded away too quickly. "I didn't think I was ready to get into a new relationship, but you were so sweet, so kind... You made all my worries melt away. I was so happy, but I guess I shouldn't have been."

"(Y/N), what? I don't understand–"

"He found out I was dating you," you stated. "He found out I was attending Yumenosaki, where I live now. He texted me yesterday to insult me because I already got into a new relationship even though it had been a while. He wouldn't leave me alone despite the amount of times I blocked him! He just keeps creating new accounts and numbers. That's why I didn't answer your calls... I-I turned my phone off..."

"(Y/N)..."

"R-Ritsu, I'm so scared...!" you stuttered as tears fell down your cheeks. "I didn't know what to do, so I tried avoiding it... but I'm so scared..."

"Hey..." he said calmly, wiping a tear away with his thumb. "I'm sorry you had to go through that, but thank you for telling me this. I'll handle the rest, okay?"

"H-Huh? But how?"

"Hmm... I'll tell the rest of Knights about it..." he muttered.

"Ritsu, what do you mean by that–"

"Hehe, don't worry about it~"

He stood up and held out his hand. "Come on, let's go back. Lunch is almost over." You hesitated but grabbed his hand as he pulled you up carefully. Once you were on your feet, he embraced you. He held your head to his chest, making you hear his heartbeat.

"You deserve to be happy, so don't worry about it anymore, alright?" he said. "(Y/N), I love you."

Lips pursed in order not to cry any more, you chuckled. "Thank you, Ritsu..." you whispered. "I love you too."

The next day, you stopped receiving those threatening messages from your ex. You wondered how Ritsu did it, but he never answered, leaving you clueless about the whole situation.

However, he did tell you that you shouldn't worry about your ex finding you anymore. He made sure to report the messages to the police with the help of Tsukasa. So now that the police were keeping an eye on him, you were able to relax.

"But what did you guys do anyway?" you asked Knights one day. "Ritsu never told me."

"Uhm– Oh– We didn't do much!" Arashi quickly stated, looking to the side. "We just reported it, that's it!"

"Eh...? Then Tsukasa, can you tell me–"

"I'm sorry, (Y/N), I can't."

"Izumi–"

"Nope."

"Leo?!"

"Not happening, (Y/N)!"

"Why are you all being so secretive?!"

"It's for your own good," Ritsu said sleepily as he entered the room. "(Y/N), can I use you as a pillow?"

You smiled. "Of course, come over here." As you patted your lap, Ritsu made his way over to you. He laid his head down on your legs happily as you began to stroke his hair.

"Can I have a kiss too?" he whispered. "After all, you didn't give me one last time~"

"Okay, okay~"

You leaned down and placed a soft kiss on his lips which he seemed to be very delighted about. You supposed it didn't matter how your boyfriend got your ex to back off. The past was the past, and you were going to leave that behind once and for all.

Anyways, your future was already fast asleep on your lap, lightly snoring away.

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[futturmangamez]

Hellloo tumblr! Or should I say..futturfriends? I don't know hah! This is very important‼‼⚠️ I really hope everyone can see this

Just wanted to say a big thank you again for all of the love I have received so far! Did not think that I could gain a lot of new friends on here:) I wanted to point out though..I am uh..23. And I do tend to post a LOT of...nsfw topics😅 so I think it's really important to remember that unless you're an adult, I suggest not looking through my page and stuff. Maybeee 16+ is okay? Not for all things though. But still..I see some of you little preteenagers trying to talk to me in certain ways when you should be finishing your middle school final project before summer(light hearted joke😆🤣)

On another note! I do want to make sure everyone who is following and interacting my page feels comfortable. I want to be a safe space for you guys whether it be to reblog silly posts, ask me questions or share what you're up to, even messaging me how your day is, a little uh..flirtayy😌(hello beautiful ladies,men, and other futterfriends💋), and ranting as well! I dont mind any of that stuff..just keep in mind that I receive a lot of messages now and I try to balance tumblr with my games and work such! So please pleasee do not be hurt or offended if it takes me a few hours or even a day to reply sometimes 😅 I promise I will get to you when I can. Love you💙

(Also hi! This account is growing quite quick and I appreciate a lot of you for sticking around as well..still kinda new to tumblr and shit. Pls remember this is yknow..a roleplay account..I'm aware josh does post some annoying stuff hah I am just here to make others happy and do as best as I could roleplaying as josh..even if it's a lil horny haha I'm an adult too. I myself am nott trying to get with any of u..if that wasnt clear🤭I'm also human. Not an ai bot. (C ai and janitor ai has lots of josh futturman bots:)) I promise none of you guys are bothering me but I tend to take some time now to answer as it's been difficult balancing things, especially since I have some low mental health days too..as I'm sure josh would as well:D but yes feel free to message or reblog as much as u want..I know all of us are going thru something..if you're under 18 I dont mind if u come to josh to talk about anything NOT nsfw. I know what it's like to be young and not have a safe place to talk about things/rant..josh can be like your older silly cousin or sumn🫂 and if u ever prefer josh to say specific things in dm just say so :] also down to make friends with anyone here as well. Sending love and virtual hugs💜- B🃏

[lelelenaxx]

✎…… 𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘏𝘢𝘪𝘬𝘺𝘶𝘶!! 𝘣𝘰𝘺𝘴 𝘥𝘰

Warning - Nothing really, a bit suggestive at points ( Mainly in Tanakas) , mentions of food and drinks, Not proofread

Hinata ❀

The type to drag you out at 3am to go on a trip to a convenience store to get food and drinks. Like deadass, you will be laying in bed ready to get the best sleep of your life and this man will have the fattest most juiciest grip on your arms and rip your poor soul out of bed and forces you into the car as he goes to the nearest gas station to get different drinks and food.

Kageyama ❀

He will flat out ghost you.... ON ACCIDENT. Like bro will read your message, put down his phone, tell himself he'll respond to it later and its not until you message him again that he'll reply.

Tsukishima ❀

THIS MAN IS A GATEKEEPER, he will be listening to a song and you'll pop up and ask him what song he's listening to he'll flat out say "You probably wont know them, they're undergound" and it will be someone like Rex Orange County. I believe he lives by gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss.

Nishinoya ❀

Definitely the type to send you the most unfunny tiktoks and memes he found on twitter. Please I beg of you to at least to act like you kind of found it funny. he will go into hibernation for the next 4 days if you say its unfunny, he get so embarrassed.

Tanaka ❀

"Is he bothering you queen?" Kinda guy. Will make sure you come home to roses and candles. Hes so sweet, hes trying so sweet okay pls dont be mean. I know it can be cheesy and cringy but be nice or his ego is wrecked for the next 3 years.

Kuroo ❀

Sends you random pics of cats he found on instagram at random times. Like literally you will be in the middle of a really important Exam and Kuroo will send you a picture of a cat with a top hat on.

Kenma ❀

Ok so we both know Kenma isnt a social person. But if you say one thing about a game he plays or knows of, he will go on an hour long rant. Its fun if you ask about a game hes played or is playing to actually hear him talk

Bokuto ❀

similar to Hinata but with going on late night beach visits. If you dogs you'll usually take them too. At around 11pm you and Bokuto just go out to the nearest beach and just have a nice time. Romance at its peak

Akaashi ❀

FLOWERS, EVERY, WEEK. Most romantic man Akaashi is. Flowers along as treating you out to dinner every week. I love Akaashi so much i cant even describe it jsdjofkdsnfoilkdsngokdngoifdgkfd

Im too lazy to write anymore

I cant make a part 2 if someone wants it

[lilioopdf]

(replying to u and the anon ab prema dropping paul)

i rlly hope paul doesnt go back to prema actually for next season (painful to say this but i hope he doesn’t win f2 this year so he has another year to learn and improve and have teams more interested in him esp since i dont see any other seat openings for rookies in the f1 grid and i do not wanna see him js kicked to the sidelines after winning the championship! best case scenario for me is he gets p2 in the championship, gets picked up by a driver academy/given a reserve position, drives another 1-2 f2 seasons while participating in fp1s for experience, and maybe hadj*r is the one who wins this year so HE can be kicked to the sidelines and we dont have to see his annoying face again :) ) ANYWAYS if he gets p2 in the championship this season hes likely to go back for another f2 season which i hope he stays w hitech in cz prema looks like theyre on a downward hill and pls paul dont get involved in that even if love them PLEASE🙏🧎‍♀️ paul aron save urself ! as much as i miss you in the prema videos js dont baby DONT ! STAY WHERE U ARE !

lol thats my rant :)

-🧸

same anon who gave the whole rant about the pain of paul and ollie’s podium🥲

also idk if u have anon icons but if u do i hope the teddybear is still available LOL

omg firstly, i am so SO sorry for the late reply 😓😓 ive been really busy recently and i didn’t want to give you a poorly thought out reply without reading your ask properly.

and ofc you can be teddybear anon! that’s literally so cute omg i love love love bears so much aaaaaa my fav cartoon character when i was a child was literally pooh because i loved how cute and cuddly and silly he was— and even till this day i sleep with like three bears in my bed and a bear eyemask so yes to conclude i really love bears, you made such a wonderful choice 🤭

but like i 100% agree that i don’t want paul to win because i want him to get a second year in F2 so he can gain more experience and knowledge yk? he might be performing really really well rn but he’s also learning SO much behind the wheel and i feel like a second year in F2 would be able to teach him so much and prepare him better for potential prospects in the future……. that being said, i don’t want poojar of all people to be the winner of F2 🫢🫢 like maybe let it be franco or pepe or just ANYONE ELSE but him…

okay but maybe i want him to do well enough like P6 or above so he can quickly move on to a new series and he won’t bother me in F2 or F1 anymore 😊😊

but yeah i think right now paul would do best by staying in a position where he isn’t be limited or fixed to a certain position yk? like another year for him to explore his options, participate in a few FPs, maybeee join some other series’ from time to time, would be SO beneficial for him, esp at this stage in his career (which is why as much as i love kimi, i don’t think he should be joining F1 next year because have we not learnt from our previous mistakes?? 😭 you’re literally doing an injustice by moving him up too early when he hasn’t properly mastered his current series well enough yet— just look at all the prev drivers that got put into F1 way too quickly by their academies)

anyway thank you for dropping by in my asks!! hope you have a lovely lovely week ahead 💗💗 take care!

[roses-and-elixir]

.

[matsur1]

Ex!Cheater!Hanma x f!reader, Ran x f!reader (but more of like a ran x reader I think-?)

Warnings: Cheating, swearing, and cringe if you think abt it- pls dont come at me, I tried 😭 Gotta say this is quite a cheesy one coming from myself 🥲 sorry if yall dont like this one- I'm doing better nxt time 😔

Word count: 819

You and Hanma were in a “healthy” relationship. At least only in the day. But when the night falls? Oh, he leaves you alone when he thinks you’re “sleeping.” You already found out that he was cheating from all the little hints he’s left. You decided to play along and play innocent. Truth be told, you were growing impatient every night, but you stopped yourself from confronting Hanma. Why? Because you’re waiting for the day that you finally catch him. Why again? ‘Cause it’d be more thrilling that way. One day, you decided to finally try him.

“Shujiii, I’ll be buying groceries. I won’t be back for a while!” You shouted as you put your shoes on. “Okay, make sure to text me when you’re on your way home, darling,” He replied. You quietly clicked your tongue at his reply, “M’kay.” 

Then you closed the door of your shared apartment and walked your way to the grocery. It took about 10 minutes to walk there but after you reached the grocery, you didn’t bother to go inside. Instead, you walked you way back home. “Heh, text you on my way home huh.”

When you finally reached the front of your apartment, you looked at the door and took a long sigh. Finally opening the door, “I’m ho-“ you see Hanma with his mistress being lovey dovey on the couch. He looked at the door only to see that his dear girlfriend was home. He turned to check his phone to see if he missed a message. “Called it,” you calmly spoke. The mistress was shocked at your calm response. The sly smirk fading away from her face. 

“Well? Start stating your defense – or should I say excuses? Motherfuckers.” You slammed the door, making the mistress flinch. “So you found out huh?” Hanma chuckled, lighting a cig. “Oh fuck yeah, I did. A year of relationship and I found out like what 6 or 7 months ago? Been waiting for this exact moment.” You slowly walked over to his mistress, grabbing her chin, and slowly pulling it up ‘til you’re both eye to eye. 

“Well, she looks pretty.” You turn to look at Hanma. “But she also looks like she fucks 5 other men other than you,” Hanma coughed at your statement. “What’s your name, darling?” Mocking Hanma’s tone, you turn to look at her and innocently smile. “…Mika,” she uttered. “Okay Mika, let me ask you a favor. Tell your fucking boyfriend to get out of my apartment. Follow him out if you will. Thanks,” you furiously said as you pat her head in sarcasm. With a “tch” coming out of her mouth, she walks away with Hanma following behind her. “Been fun, y/n.” Hanma spoke. You chose to ignore him. Disinfected the couch because you didn’t want to catch their cheating issue germs. You took a cig from Hanma’s pack that he left on the table and lit it. Leaning your head back, putting one arm on top of your eyes while your other hand holds the cig and taking a deep sigh because you were overwhelmed by what had just happened. Blowing out the smoke, “Fucking idiots,” you whispered. 

“Indeed,” a mid-low deep voice answered. You were shocked, knowing no one else was in your apartment. “Fuckin’ hell. Who ar- Oh, well hello there, Wednesday Adams.” You said. “Well, thank you for the sweet name but the name’s Ran. Ran Haitani.” He added. 

“Haven’t seen you for quite a while now. Actually- why are you even here? how’d you kno-“ you were cut off, “First, yes, long time no see. It was 8 months ago since Hanma introduced you to the gang. Second, I saw you back there in the grocery and recognized you, I was about to greet you hello when you surprisingly came back from the direction you came from and so I followed you, don’t ask why. Lastly, I made sure to give him a ‘friendly’ punch earlier.” He ranted. “Okay, rap god. I barely understood what you said but make yourself feel at home. Careful though, there’re cheating germs everywhere.” You replied. 

Ran chuckled, “Well making this my home isn’t exactly what I came here for. Making you live with my last name and live in my mansion is what I came here for.” He declared. “Wh-“ you could barely even talk. “Promise I didn’t catch any of that fucker’s germs though.” He added, making you grin a little.

“Wow, okay. Respectable offer but I don’t think I’ve gotten to know you enough yet, Mr. Wednesday Adams,” you teased with the nickname while you blew smoke out once again.

“Care for a date then?” He stood in front of you, handing out one of his hands. A small silence visited but, “A little date wouldn’t hurt,” you responded. Killing the cig out and putting your hand on top of his, accepting his offer.

© Matsuri

[luvx01]

hey its ⛸ anon

i rlly wanna rant rn so u dont have to reply but im just rlly upset atm.

me and a girl from my chem class were talking on ft. she added my ex bf by accudent and he joined and we talked and we all laughed. which was surprising considering he hates my guts.

then two minutes after he left the call- he added me, my friend (not the one from chem- this one left me for my other ex when my dad was literally dying) and my current crush.

my current crush was like why u adding my ex in a call

i said i never had his number and my friend from chem class added him by accident

then my ex goes okay wtv but all our classmates know that i like (current crushes name) and i said no like im talking to some1 else i dont like anyone at our school atm and hes like no everyone knows

and my crush laughed- and its making me think that am i that unlikable or what for him to laugh?

but anywyas then my ex says a joke only me and my math seatmate know

and they all laughed

my friend jumps in “guys stop being mean” like in a mocking tone almost.

at this point im over it so i leave and then my friend from chem kinda bitches my ex out and my friend did too apparently but idk shes always lying.

im so scared to show up to class tomorrow cus i have 3 classes with my ex and current crush

and now that i see how he acted towards the fact of me liking him- i do not like him

im gna try my best to ignore them all and pay no attention but they tease everyone a lot and if my friend did talk to him i feel like she made it much worse when i didnt even want her to talk to him.

it just reallyy hurt my feelings and im just v upset also pls give me advice if u can and if u post this if anyone has literally any advice itll help im just like super scared and on the verge of puking from how nervous i am rn but i have 6 hrs till my classes start.

thank u for listening to my rant bsf ily 🫶🏼

hi love, first of all im very upset to hear how you were treated overall in this situation :/ i feel like those friends of yours aren’t really good friends if this was the way they acted during the situation. also screw your fucking crush. there are millions of other guys out there and he’s the one missing out on a lovely person like you.

so imo you need to have a serious talk with your friends first. bcs if they said something when you didn’t want them to talk to them then it’s a problem. you need to outright tell them how you feel and let them know what they did wasn’t ok and be a bit cold if necessary. ik a lot of people say this but communication really is the key. be aware of the tones they use when answering you bcs that can indicate a lot. and keep some distance from them for a while to let them know that what they did has bothered you. i don’t mean like not talk at all, just don’t be the one to initiate it unless necessary.

as for the boys i think you should just straight up ignore them unless they initiate a conversation first. and while talking with them don’t be too cold or like how you used to answer them before. somewhere in between yk?? you need to show them that you don’t really care for what they say but also that you’re kinda bothered. don’t let them see that it hurt you like this. they don’ t deserve anything from you. boys will always be boys. you deserve so much better <3

i hope this was a little bit of help. i don’t think i can give you the best advice since i haven’t been in the situation nor am i you, plus idk any of your friends. but this is just my input on the situation. if there is anyone else who would like to leave their own advice they can just comment!! i do hope you’ll feel better, ilyt <3

[curseofaphrodite]

Okay… I’m gonna rant a little to you about my family being idiots.

So I had school right. And I stayed after for a English meeting then I had to go help my brother finish cleaning this house some. But he got me food from Hardy’s so I wasn’t complaining. Then I come home and we got home at like 5:50-6pm. And there’s piss all over the living room along with two piles of poop. This this here because my brother can’t put the dogs in a gated area or watch them and appear rly he can’t take them out. But my other brother was also gone because he was getting paid go help out this deck together. And that brother helped pick up the poop. My first brother just laughed when he saw the mess and went upstairs now him and my sister in law are gone and I had to clean up all the pee. I also had to do this yesterday.

And I still have a assignment to finish that group work 😭it isn’t due yet but I don’t want to make our group get behind plus I have a 30 minute video to watch for English that was due last week on Thursday. Then I still have to take a shower. I’d rather run 10 miles than have to deal with this (and I hate cardio)

I’m sorry for my rant 😭have a good day 💜(you don’t need to reply to this is you don’t want to I just felt I could confide in you 😂)

I’m gonna go in a walk

OMG HON THATS SUCH A LONG DAY YOU HAD!!

you had to clean all that up by yourself 😭😭 That deserves an ice cream, I'm sending you ice cream.

AAA ASSIGNMENTS CAN BE NERVE WRACKINGG. Try to make a plan but even if you dont get the job done according to it, dont worry, just come up with a lie and say you lost the video or smth??😭

AND PLS RANT WHENEVER YOU WANT, its not a bother at all and im glad you trust me. Just know that youre so amazing and IM SUPER PROUD OF YOU!!

[neo-shitty]

toffee!

hehe glad i could make you laugh, oooh that sounds awesome! yeah id love to be tagged it sounds great :)

YES the differences are so fucking weird. like, they do know they're the same age right? i feel like its just an exagguration of how much the persons role in the group matters, like we see chan being held up as such a mature, old leader while jungkook who is literally the same age, is still babied etc. like enha hyung line is basically the same age (if a bit younger) as chenle and jisung but somehow the rules are different?? as you point out, still legal but still bizarre. hehe yeah, i mean where else are we going to rant? quora lol. mmm, hopefully more people can just write less smut abt people who are barely adults

ah, no prob it didnt take long. yeah i think thats right (i keep forgetting you know my url lol) mmhmm :( i think if that happened irl there would be some major trauma going on. knock wood it never happens to you or me lol (/hj)

hehe same! oooh glad Redemption For Cheese was realised! yess we cant rllycomplain that theyve written/produced too much good music lol. yeah, ive dragged him into being a stay so *dusts hands off* mission accomplished. mmm yeah, they tend to have a certain vibe but tbh it couldve worked if they were any other group but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ahh ur one step ahead of me on the stages of listening to ssick i think, still not convinced but thats okay! hehe, it had to be said. yesss the itch in the back of my brain is very satisfied by sorry i love you, felixs vocals deserve to be appreciated! (side note i feel like hes trying to sing more like his speaking voice, sorta husky, but tbh i wouldnt be mad if he sang like in glow, his sweet honey vocals made my life lol. but i think ive heard him say he doesnt like singing like that cos it makes his normal voice less husky, so what can you do)

> YES SOMEONE SAID IT. seungmin rap KING, he sped thru that rap like it was nothing, he deserves more rap lines. i do like how they gave minho some melodic rap lines this comeback, my guy deserved to show off those skills that made him not be eliminated (flashbacks to stay collectively wanting to murder jyp) and we already know changbin can sing, my man murdered masked singer. hyunjin can obviously sing as can jisung and felix, and i want to hear chan rap more! i feel like he started as part of 3racha (as a rap unit not producing) and then just became a vocalist (which im fine with, but it could be nice to hear him flex his rapping skills) and was partially replaced by hyunjin. anywayyy

back to album talk. lmaooo sad music to twerk to PERFECTLY describes silent cry. yes secret secret is and will always be, a masterpiece. hehe glad i could make you laugh :) i just felt like they have similar vibes. putting off skz stuff bc of not having time to cry IS the kpop stan life summarised. oh my beloved track, red lights. ahh thats okay, we can have different opinions, but by god the lyrics are *chefs kiss*. *banging on table* TWISTED AU TWISTED AU TWISTED AU. yess id love to see ur take on it! sdfghjkl it would have been glorious

no no! not stupid, just able to predict my brainwaves. ooooh thats so cool! makes me want to go there (wherever there is lol) yeah the waves are pretty good here, but none of my familys a surfer, so we dont rlly enjoy the full potential lol. YES moving on to gone away, it is indeed a heartwrenching track, but the vocals and the bloody key change? makes me want to brave being sad just to listen to it. mmm yeah, good point :( i feel like ive just gotten used to overthinking so much so that it doesnt matter what mood im in, ill do it anyway, so might as well just do what i feel like doing anyway.

yeah i think ur right! it is quite comforting knowing that all the tracks will get the love they deserve. i feel like also people assume kpop is just one genre which is utter bs. there are so many different vibes and feels and songs, i couldnt get into kpop (of which i thought only the bright cheerful present day bts stuff existed smh) until i heard gods menu so... idk where i was going with this but yeah. :)

YES FUCK YG, theyre literally on the brink of being kicked out of the big three and they are holding their salvation hostage without letting them do ANYTHING. idek what thought process goes thru their minds but arghhh its so infuriating. yess lisa's cb will be awesome but ot4 is the gold standard here.

hehe, glad u could get to this point. no no! u dont sound like a cult member at all lol yeah, i loooove some of their songs but the whole 23 members thing is getting to me. thats prob a common problem with nctzens but what can i say? im a simple girl with a limit to how many korean boys i can give my money to. atm im just trying to get into ateez and finish memorising enhypen's faces. also kard is kinda sucking me into their fandom atm, as well as eric name lol. ah what can you do? ooh thats good!

hehe i love it too! its exactly like online penpals, that was rlly well put. aww ty! hmm im okay, recovering from a bad case of rsv so thats fun. im doing okay mentally, starting therapy soon (after having to convince my mother that its not just smth i can brush off). physically i wont go into, basically i should be doing stretches to help but they dont completely fix it so my lazy ass doesnt do them, plus i got told recently im going to be stuck with this condition for the rest of my life so thats fun! ah, before you type smth dw abt me ill be fine. the weather atm is cloudy but warm, its been raining on and off today which is good for the garden. uhh i just finished reading sunburnt veils and im in the middle of prom theory which is rlly good. ummm ive got a concert tonight? that i may or may not be able to sing in (bc of the whole rsv thingo) and uhhhh idk. my dog is cute? im drinking tea rn? ive got a school dance coming up?

wbu? hows ur day going, how are you? whats the weather like on ur end? done anything interesting lately? found smth that makes you rlly happy? just any random thing youve been dying to tell someone?

no no! dont apologise, i love these exchanges. i think im happy to continue them for a long time :) on the other hand, if you get tired of them, feel free to just not answer at any time. goodness gracious this was a long ask haha hope it isnt too annoying

<3 w.a. 🐺

sorry it took me a bit to reply, i was fixing my theme ;n;

yeah, i figured it was because of the roles too. my friends and i still get taken aback when 3rd gen idols are the same age as 4th gen ones. in my head it doesn't add up sometimes. PLS THE RANT AT QUORA SKJDK tbh tho it's just going to be normalized as the years pass? esp that the boys are growing older and the amount of explicit fics will just increase. i might have to start blocking tags.

i had to look up the previous ask to remember what we were talking about xd i hope the events in champagne problems never happens to anyone. realistically, it probably happens a lot. damn i really won't wish that pain on anyone. dragging your brother into being a stay i whEEZED JFKSA additional noeasy music enthusiast o.o and ALL I CAN SAY WITH YOU GUSHING ABT FELIX IS AHA WHIPPEEEED OML can't blame you tho, i also want to hear felix sing more in other shades (if that makes sense HAHA) i really hope they'll do the role exchange in the next comeback :( or like in the near future bc i know they can do it :( the day i hear seungmin rapping it i will respectfully pass away. minho was given more lines this comeback thank fUCK i could rmb my irl being vocal abt her frustration. i don't get why minho barely has center time/lines in title tracks??? like the line distribution in the past eras just made me ???? if seventeen can balance lines with 13 members why cant a group of 8 do the same? moving on. i haven't watched the stray kids show simply bc i don't want to cry HAJS but i've seen clips. imagine if skz debuted without minho and felix?!?!? i rmb another irl catching bias feels towards changbin bc of the masked singer only to find out that the man's a rapper. i love how skz's vocals were highlighted this comeback :c there were a lot of mellow tracks! i find it cute when chan sings/raps bc it gets kinda obvious that he's a foreigner? the accent (im not even sure if it's the accent) it just shows. "putting off skz stuff bc of not having time to cry IS the kpop stan life summarised." CORRECT.

abt the twisted au o.O i'll inquire my irl if she wants to write it or not. if she doesn't want to, i'll do it. i miss writing twisted aus <3___<3 and i also miss going to the beach with my friends :' ) but it's starting to get cold here and i don't think i'll be able to enjoy the beach as much as i would if i went beaching in the summer. so maybe next summer? gone away really has an sm-ballad vibe. the thing about skz being a self-producing group, their songs don't sound like typical jype songs? and i just appreciate that bc in all honesty im not a fan of jyp groups at all. PLS the overthinking. i wish i could mute overthinking.

anyone who assumes kpop is just one genre obv hasn't listened to a single track. if kpop was just one genre why do i like some tracks more than the others??? oh you've only recently become a kpop stan? tbh im not a fan of the bright songs of bts either. i liked their older ones *chefs kiss* really matched high school vibes. yg has good artists and they're just wasting the talent ~.~ that strategy they have will get tiring eventually. people will stop waiting on blackpink and move on to newer more active groups ://

HAHAHAH yeah the 23 members is pretty overwhelming! it was the reason i didn't bother stanning before quarantine started. i don't regret stanning tho, met my ult bias in that group <3___<3 i don't really purchase albums unless i like the tracks xd ohhh getting into ateez just in time for the comeback! let me know what you think about them! i was fond of them at some point but grew out of it. good luck with memorizing enhypen! it took me a while to distinguish to people there XD i haven't checked out kard yet but chan plays their songs during lives and they're sexc hype music me likey *u*

i had to look up rsv im sorry. i'm glad you're recovering! please rest more and don't stress yourself out. bro i wish i could go to therapy too bc i have weird issues i can't justify and i need a professional to tell me what's the reason behind it. stuck with what condition btw? what happened? i'm sorry in case i just forgot. yesterday was a bit rainy for me too :(( it's not the type of rainy that makes me anxious so B) oh concert! good luck and i hope you'll be able to sing but i also don't think it's best for you rn :c what's your dog's breed? and yes i just finished drinking tea too. AAAAA i miss school dances :(( the last one i was supposed to have was cancelled bc of covid.

i was less productive today and i'm teetering between being mentally stable and becoming a hermit again. i'm anxious with a lot of things atm so like : D not the best state. today it was a bit sunny but not hot hot which was nice. i changed my theme today bc i couldn't wait for sept. 1st. and no i haven't found anything that makes me happy HAHAHA shit like that's hard to identify. don't have anything to say too, i'm just thinking about why i'm procrastinating too much atm T_T and i'm listening to this rap song atm and one of the rappers sounded like han.

it isn't annoying! i enjoy the long exchanges but i do admit it takes me awhile to type down a reply. so if i get more busy, it'll prolly take a bit longer for me to reply.

[biaswreckingfics]

I GOT SO MUCH TO SAYYY!! gosh pls dont find me weird okay, and these are just my personal opinions and im not hating any groups!! but my unpopular opinion is: i think kpop has become very toxic after bts and bp got famous in America. And tbh if you ask me, i wouldnt want any other kpop groups to be famous in America... i only stan exo but i think i speak for all groups when i say they are safe as they are now... of course if exo ever get even more famous i will be happy and proud for their success. But look how fame and America has changed bts and bp... not tryna hate but look theyve changed, idk if anyone else noticed but after fame hits bts, i realised how theyve start to become very...white?? like they are so westernised and like example, they start focusing on America only, they even curse (not a lot but i’d still point out) casually like for example, jungkook singing a curse word in his cover song for jason derulo savage love i think (speaking of cursing, after nct127 got famous in usa mark started getting influenced by them too and he casually cursed like “oh fuck” and everyones like 😃😆) even i curse and im not saying cursing is BADD but yeah i am, and how they sing a whole song in english, not to even mention how toxic america is but in grammys they have sold tons of albums yet they didnt win anything but when they release an english song, they won.

Some half of them americans are very toxic, racist, and just theyre basically acid, like bruh, its evident that once bts got famous there are soooo much hate thrown towards bts too cuz theyre asians, or how some would say theyre gay or look like girls...if my favs (exo) ever get these kinds of treatments (not that they dint but veryy little cuz thank god they ain exposed to the western culture) i will B R E A K, i could never handle that so i would never want that to happen to them. Also noticed how, after bts got famous, most armys are equally as toxic, whether they are just stanning bts just cuz theyre famous there, or like how their fans dont even know anything abt bts and coming after so many groups and their fans. Most of them are fake and i think its cuz of the fame for bts lmao. One thing i’d like to say too tho, is how they are so overrated and their songs are played all the damn time, people would randomly talk abt them, like everywhere you go THEY ARE JUST THERE, like in my opinion if i am an army, i would just feel like they are so common and theres nothing special about them anymore and theres no excitement, like what even is the point anymore. idk if anyone gets me but thats just how i feel about my favs being “wOrLdWiDe fAmOuS”, i will love them and their music but its just something i think about tbh🤷🏻‍♀️ like let me listen to them on my own and vibe and love them, dont play it 24/7 just cuz they are famous and ure tryna get people’s attention, like imagine ure in the subway and u hear ur favs song cuz its EVERYWHERE and ure there like 😐😐 not that u dont love their music but its cuz horrible people dont deserves to listen to their songs, and like people arent going to appreciate them anyway so yeah i feel uncomfortable listening to my favs as others dont even bother, like imagine if that subway is filled with people who are in ur fandom, yall would just hv the best time in the world and VIBE, if not what even is the point. Idk if im explaining it properly, but its badically like, u feeling UNCOMFORTABLE or should i even say SELFISH cuz u do not want to be sharing ur favs with people who dont even deserve to KNOW about them. Basically like seeing how someone you HATE or bullied you back then talking and being all friendly fake with ur BESTEST FRIEND or even boyfriend/girlfriend, cuz u just want to protect them from EVIL (im so dramatic)

And well lastly, no Bts did not paved the way, or “bts is the best and only group” like no, so many amazing artists were breaking records way before bts was even a thing (no hate to bts) but they really need to get slap for having that mindset, they really make a bad image for bts...tbh kpop before was so peaceful (a little toxic but still, compared to now...BYE) and everything was just about idols and fans love, listening and supporting and loving their music and just so comforting... urgh anyway thats all i wanna say and here are some texts i saved relating to kpop groups going famous worldwide uwu

these are also examples, and honestly speaking here, i dont want to be specific as in “exo” cuz i think this happens for ALL the groups out there and the love and relationship between the idols and their fans (family) are just beautiful, but for bts and armys... tbh i feel bad because i just dont see or feel any love they hv for each other (sure we see bts saying i love you armys or armys supporting bts but with all the toxicity in their way, theres just no spark or chemistry or bond no more it’s basically like one direction and their fans and thats all they are, celebrity-fan, but for kpop its family), i can see other groups and their fans interacting or how idols would light up talking abt their fans, but for bts, theres just soooo much mess going on in their fandom its not special anymore, they lost the deep meaning of their group love and IDK HOW TO EXPLAIN IT but YEAH DJSHSKSJ OH and to add somethign else, they got famous in America, look at all the collabs🤡🤡 blackpink with cardi b, bts with nicki etc... not that collabs arent fun... im just saying these american artists... they dont exactly have a good reputation (americans singing about sex (not the good kind), money, girls and drugs) 🥴🥴 dont influenced my faves and let them be exposed to the toxic culture YALL GET ME?? KPOP HAS THE LETTER K FOR A REASON😭😭😭 let them be their own shining star, not everything has to be involved or a part of aMeRiCa to be amazing.... PHEW IVE SAID IT NOW BEFORE ANYONE GETS MAD AT ME, I DONT MEAN TO SOUND RUDE TO YOU, if youre an american and youre no where near being toxic, I LOVE YOU but im just saying, the western culture is toxic and im just saying what ive been observing and noticing🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️ ps: i still love exo till the max and everything about them is perfect and theyre just amazing people (everything i said that bts and armys dont really have anymore, i think thankfully, EXO (sorry im biased) most fandoms still have so much of the L O V E there and i find that extraordinary) and he fandom is so comforting and amazing and idk dkdjjdjss thats why i dont want them getting famous worldwide...sorry exols ANYWAY THATS ALL FOR MY RANT ITS 4AM AND I AM THINKING OF DELETING THIS💀💀💀 anywya sorry for taking up so much space but i just wanna say I FREKAING LOVE NO EXIT, NO LIMITS, basically all ur exo fics cuz why not🥺🥺 i think ur writing skills are amazing as well as the plots and all especially forsaken, and THANK YOU for two bbhxoc fics😭😭😭 i cant!!! also if u reached here idk i-🥲 i hope u didnt get mad or offended 👀

Reply under the cut!!

Kpop has become extremely toxic with the growth of international fans and the rise of 3rd/4th gen. I wasn't around to experience the previous generations, but I know damn well they weren't a mess like these newer ones are.

Gaining fame in America does seem to change idols, and idk why. The group members change and the music changes also. While I do enjoy hearing idols swear (guilty pleasure) and I am an American so I get to enjoy their English songs, I can see how it makes all the other cultures/countries feel some type of way.

I will say this, though, the Grammys are shit and I dont get why people care so much about them. They've proven time and time again the awards don't go to the best artists. However, this doesn't mean that I think BTS deserved a Grammy imo.

Americans are a very toxic and hate filled bunch (again, I am one, so I get to see this shit every day). I 100% know that some of the hate directed towards Asians is because of racism (as seen by the insane uptick in crime against Asian Americans right now) and because some see kpop male idols as too feminine.

BTS is literally everywhere, which is one of the reasons I stopped listening to them tbh. They'd be in commercials, on talk shows, late night shows, in magazines, on the radio, just everywhere. It took the joy out of watching anything from them just because they were always in my face, so I can see what you mean.

I feel like the relationship between BTS and army has changed (from an outsiders perspective). Its no longer about loving and supporting your group and being happy for them. Now, its "so-so wants this? We MUST do everything in our power and spam every possible thing ever so they get what they want". Its almost frightening. They also no longer care about the quality of the music being put out. Doesn't matter what it is, they stream the ever loving shit out of it and make it break records when, honestly, it doesn't deserve to (again imo).

Lastly, I didnt get mad or offended haha. I understand a lot of these viewpoints, and thank you so much for liking my work!! I do wonder what would happen if I made a true BBH centric fic and not just spin offs or continuations of previous works where oc ends up with BBH 🤔🤔 I think that fic would have too much power haha.

[xz017]

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oof. okay so imma do the latest tea???

got out of shower to hear my mum talkin to Agnes spillin the tea abt their friend/coworker

the one with that Kid my mum wanted to have a playdate with or whatever the annoyingly studious and clearskinned halfasian lookin girl i really envied.

her mum has a live in boyfriend who is basically like...an alcoholic mental case rip god i hate alcohol and i hate people who drink it like i only do it so i hate myself more and die but like this guy basically playin with knives n guns in the house and the kid who is like 19 idk why im callin her kid is so Over it like apparently she hasn’t been coming home and like

basically me in 2016 era when my mum was too generous n Helpful lettin ppl back into our lives and our House so i spent christmas morning 5am walkin in the cold n watchin 3 films until it got dark and stuff like that

girl be actin homeless---mood

so it came to a head today so Agnes is spillin the tea n her husband in the bg(omg it weird hearin him rip he was my military hs instructor wild) n my mUM is so selfrighteous n mad like

‘blablahblah well rosalie is being dumb she should put her daughter first she being sick in the head it her Choice’

n im like eavesdroppin havin warflashbacks of the dumb hypocrisy she has DOne lmao

‘has she no thought like what if Tyler gets raped/sexually abused by that man she’d let her daughter be in that environment???’

i mean it wouldnt be fair of me to be like...eyemoji on this cos she technically doesn’t know? but 19 may 2018 never4get lmao

anyway so my mum’s like our room is for rent and it’ll be far cheaper they dont even have to pay rn!!!

cue me being like...um...Money...generosity...i dont...LIke

i was conflicted here like idk i met the girl like 3-5 times im envious of her work ethic n her better asian disposition than mine cos she obviously prettier but she has better prospects and that’d suck if her life be like that

but also??? like...life be like that it was like that to me like who saved me????????????????????? 

um...no one

like why is that on me or US TO BE NICE n helpful im so tired like damn which is relevant to the next point anyway

cos earlier had a convo with my mum i was eyemojing healthcare profs i was like ‘pls stop bein on ye phone pls tell me info on ye opinion on respiratory therapists...what abt PA’

n deadass she be eyemojing me like STICK TO YOUR COURSE

n i was like...-ugly pleadin emoji eyes- n i was tryin to explain that i didn’t want to be so focused on one thing that if i decide this medical thing is what i want to pursue i’d need 1-2 years just for the PREREQS which is like 5 classes and 1000 clinical hours or minimum 6 month healthcare paid job. like if i decide i want to go to school for that i already have the Stuff and just Apply.

n she was like...you had your chance i bothered you to be a nurse a few years ago you were stubborn if you did as i said you’d be earning good money now but you wasted time

n i was like...oof i can’t say anything to that it’s tru. it real life tea it fax i wasted time n im old n im ruunnin out of time i hate myself alot i hate hate hate

and idk we got to talkin abt money n life cos she was like you have to find something you can learn to LOve

n i was like??? WHY I GOTTA SETTLE N FOOL MYSELF TO DO SO im super annoyed abt that mindset

cos the thing about a bloody Arts degree is there’s too fuckin many broad possibilities n they all aint even that good. like deadass if i was a STEM major ugh like if i was a Bio major prospects are so clear: forensics, research, premed,labtech. Meanwhile polsci for example: uhhh teacher? prelaw? politician? uhhh government work? n there’s like 111 different subdivisions of that n it’s like??? wat the fuck

deadass what am i gonna do with international security is that even gonna pay well like...the fuck do i know is it relevant ??? Doubts

n she was all like...PEOPLE JUST GOTTA DO WHAT THEY HAVE TO TO SURVIVE YOU GOTTA FIND YOURS N STICK WITH IT

n i was lowkey panique n frustrated cos i really REALLY hate being stuck in 1 ting n im like i HAD ACTING YOU SAID NO

n she was like pFF i wanted you to have something REAL cos if you dont make it in acting you’d be on the STREETS

n i was like...lmao lil did she know imma be on the streets next year smh this year actually

n she was like talkin abt the harsh reality of the workforce and how you gotta make do at how ppl treat you (patients) n how you might not even like your coworkers but you gotta deal with it because that’s what ppl do to survive

n she was talkin abt undeserving patients with no healthcare n i was like did you just hear yourself so you want them to die cos they dont got money and she was like 

no??? why get hooked up in the ICU when you’re braindead wasting government money taxes we payed for you don’t understand cos you dont have a job and dont get your salary cut cos of taxes and these people come in acting like they got something to give when they yell at your face acting like they know what they’re talking about they act entitled when they have nothing homeless ppl getting money and illegal immigrants are selfish bringing their kids to be hurt here

n im like...theyre life is ...shitty what are you talkin about n she was like so? why dont they stay and make it better??? one of my very first patients asked me why i was in america and i said i come from a poor country and they said why didn’t you stay and try to make it better? and i couldn’t say anything cos u know what they were right why dont illegal immigrants do that??? n im like...

cos theyre literally...RUNNIN and they want ppl they care abt i.e. children to be far away from that as soon as possible bruh ye think imma wait for change deadass there a reason why we suffer duterte he actually get shit done??? we dont have to wait for change the same way ppl who speak nice n are polite do but is stuck with bureaucracy and lowkey bein corrupt deadass stay in ye lane

n she’s like well i hope you’re right im done bein an idealist im a realist now i believed in good i wanted to help the world now no more

n im like...no you’re not a realist, you’ve just been hangin out with a republican

and she gave me a sideeye 

but deadass im ...scared like i really hate the empathy because when she was being serious n talkin n being honest abt things for once i started to unwillingly see things from her point of view i really felt it n i was scared i’ll be like that im scared she’s right

im scared i’ll end up Real n selfish like...i already am ? n bitter? like i care about so very few Personally and am willin to let others suffer to keep it safe n prioritised?

im scared.

like especially with racism all these years my mum’s been telling me it’s not that im racist just wait til you work with them they act so entitles and loud and make everything about race

n i almost told Her abt it earlier i skyped w her earlier we had a tea spillin moment about our ethnic relations bein racist but then idk we talked alot i guess the text got buried or unseen

like i said i was scared n didn’t get to unpack it like im scared because ive been livin with my roomate and like...ive been excusing it as a personality thing and that if it were anyone else different skin colour id still hate them just the same which i still maintain is true but like?

my RM is loud n she makes everything abt race like deadass me n my FM be just eating dinner and she passes by us and goes on a rant about harvard asians being a Blok to black ppl from getting There n im like...im tryna have dinner so i can get energy to deal with this stressful ass school

n she always talks like she knows what she’s talking about like ‘jewish ppl control the federal bank’ n im like...it 1am in the dark quiet of our shared room deadass i dont wanna tell the binch thats antisemitism cos she gonna be like im black how can i be racist smh

im!!! scared alright like i hate my roomate for proving my mum right when i try so hard to set things right like maybe that’s why i dont tell anyone about my situation other than Her. i never told my parents about the berkeley livin situation they already warn me enough to be careful n i just keep tellin them thats racist

i have so much........THOUGHTS n........DILEMMAS...n FEARS but like i just have this blog i cant trust anyone else to talk abt it n the only person i am willing to talk to abt it will be busy and im so ashamed abt these things but she was so sweet about givin me the heads up about her schedule 

like i hated that i had to get an ugly ass haircut today cos she came back to me n we couldve talked so i guess rip she was complacent n did stuff cos she replied late from then on like that dumbass haircut was 15 minutes ugh. our talkin pattern today was like...dashed lines timereply wise? i asked her if she packed earlier (pre haircut)n she said yes but rip a few hours later she was like...I need to pack 

wat is the truth rip

the tablet bein emo like...mood but my child rip.

my love be packin n spendin time with fam before leavin for london tomorrow

n even after that she doin...Stuff. rip.

which is ye know good for her rip.

i just hope she dont go iceskatin deadass one slip n she can crack her head open or break her neck or paralyse her spine like...??? why do humans wanna do dumb activities

like omg she admitted to me today she a serial jaywalker and WORSE with music n headphones like

binch thats why i didnt wanna enable you further by gettin ye airpods deadass bye

n she was like??? tryna equate it with my risky risk like ummm

mine is for science n validity

hers is just carelessness n chosin lazy convenience over idk...the responsibility of self vigilance like...

bruh ppl shouldnt promise someone 91 years if they be continuin to do dumb stuff consciously oof rip

but other than that like...im...really proud of this resolution she be undertakin officially on the 14th?

im nervous abt it cos i really want it for her too. i want her to get the proper sleep n i always hated her givin excuses like ‘IM FINE ON 4 HOURS OF SLEEP’ ‘I NAPPED 3 HOURS 38293820 HOURS AGO IM FINE I MADE UP FOR IT’ um...blokt. get proper sleep binch i love you tf???

prioritise work cos ye gonna regret not givin it yer all??? n ye payin for this???

what fun??? we capitalists now we want that money rip.

i see that shift you know rip i saw it comin a year ago.

that dont mean we republicans rip we still care about others n the inequality? but like i foresaw us getting acquainted with the harsh reality of the world n how difficult it is to get a job--which she experienced along the way.

n rip she wants many things bookmarkin them n honestly same rip

i want a stable warm home for this family n a shiny diamond to get disassociated by extra im a simple man

meanin im selfish n im ready to prioritise meanin im ready to make the choice for others to fall apart/behind if it means puttin This first rip

god pls dont make me a republican this so ugly

# 1 she’d hate me #2 i’d hate me

now im sad

im dead.

omg rip earlier too as she said goodbye i told her i loved her and she was like ‘i love you more’

DEADASS I WAS LIKE LMAO!!! girL i dont think you understand im literally Ready to put you and our possible future First like...im not messin around what skitrips with rich ppl what friends my love is potent n extreme n COncentrated like im sorry ik you feel love for me but you cant top This rip she not ready 

like the um ‘partially wanna make my life’s work abt knowin what might hurt n kill ye so i can kill it first or blok it well’ kinda love

the ‘im already savin for at least HALF a first month deposit in an overpriced london in case you wanna settle down wit me Mayhaps n im not touching it for ANYTHING’ kinda love

the ‘im thinking of a winter home in the tropics so you suffer less n im plannin the floorplans already rip just in case’ kinda extraness

but anyways the gall of this cute lovely human rip ‘i love you more’ ummm try Again smh

bruh i love her too much i bet that’s scary for her rip it might be a Burden tbh she so young rip 

meanwhile im old n ready to rot but like...

i wanna be mortal wit ye before i do

but ye know wat lads i saw myself in the mirror today like 5 times OOF. this meatform...keepin me...Humble. 

bitter but like...humble

‘like of course sHe not ready not only is my personality like dis but also...my outward form how could she introduce me as a Spouse’

‘wow i look like that oof it good i remembered i am undeservin of full intense love like in the films n fanfiction they always between attractive ppl after all it only 1/2 it not Equal’

‘wow bruh ye really upset she spendin time n resources elsewhere when you be lookin like That? ye dont have much to offer bro take the L’

oof so that’s the personal tea i can think of?

had a meghan marke talk rip i can’t believe i was right??? i had twin vibes!!! but i was hoping for like a variety situation rip im worried a lil abt the whole birthin Late ting but she can afford the highest care rip it fine she rich.

my love was talkin abt how pretty MM was n i was like rip is she triggerin Her a lil rip worrirooni

rip speakin of babies like she was showin me this smol gummybear n im like same das me heart n she was like :( n i was like it only fits you

n she was like so no children then:(

n i was like!!! rip if it Ours of course that Counts n i was a lil shook like rip she said she didn’t want them Really so i always get guilty when i talk abt the future or realise i mentioned kids or carelessly name drop Hyaline n Benzion like...im dead rn just typin that like what if she read this big shame bro

but ye know what this is already long n she gonna be busy maybe that’s the key. TOo Much puts ppl OFF so ye mayhaps we sneaky ! ?

anyway i was tryin to get her thoughts on it rip but like she was all iDK ASK ME IN 13 Yrs n i was like...

sighemoji + sandemoji + resignedemoji

rip we talked FAaC a lil. cos she Dared!!! to liken me to her brother just cos i showed her my cheap youth boy shoes smh

At first i was super offended n disgusted but then i was like rip eyemoji if ye into that

then she was like ew nO

then i was like um ye already play the ‘daddy u like me young huh’ card

which is like idk is like technically? joking but it’s like that post ye know abt ppl bein ‘whether or not im actually jokin or flirtin depends if you into it’ but also like schrodingers racism like ‘it was a joke bro!!!’ but they actually bigots.

so it DIFFICULT for my brain to Confirm rip like...eyemoji what is the truth

but like??? im rip. willin. rip. to. rip. Try. rip.?

really i am rip. it Her. bruh. im only hopin she dont have a golden shower kink but. trust i...Will follow thru.

nO IM REMEMBERIN THE DOO DOO POST DESPAIR

rip anyway that whole thing reminded me of FAaC origins which was porn n then somehow sHe was like imagine if egggsy was a singer he’d sing like ‘age is just a number’ shit n i SPILLED THE TEA ABOUT A TING IN PT 3 im so weak sand

i miss the gays

i wanna give them justice n happiness but the 2027 excuse is rl nice for my ugly procrastination issues oof but i wish them well

add: rip had another talk with my mum i really wanted her to understand my thought process about wanting to get the prereqs for medtraining done beforehand

n she was like...I UNderstand but Normal people--

n i was like ‘IM NOT NORMAL I DONT KNOW HOW TO CHOOSE I HAVE NO IDENTITY’

n she’s just like SHOOKE n mad n clearly dont understand that im fukt up in the head ‘...IC AN’T BELIEVE YOU!!! iF YOU’RE ABNORMAL YOU WONT GET HIRED N YOU WONT HAVE A NICE JOB’

n im like...well i mean what can i say to that it’s not like it’s not tru rip

Big sand honestly.

it gonna be a long few days imma do my best to leave her alone she needs her time rip i love her so much rip sand

i feel like a dumb ugly dog god fljækadfkøad h8

[ilygsd]

odfidk: 260618

hi can i pls get some advice from all you intellectuals out there? i’ll try to be short

ok so im a chinese adoptee with a white family except for my lil sis but i dont think she’s woken up yet and i dont blame her i mean sure ive always been into social justixe but it took me 17 years to PERSONALLY wake up if u get what i mean

anyways im together with a white and it bothers me so much its not healthy at all at this point. and i cant stop thinking abt the fact that they’re white. everytime i see a white-poc couple i think the poc is internalized racist but then there’s me too and i HATE that. its enough with having a white family okay??? i know what the fuck you’re all thinking about us adoptees and i absolutely HATE it. if i was single today i’d never date a white but i got together with them before my identity crisis and the fact that they’ve been with me despoten all my fucked up breakdowns and shit is.... touching. they know me better than anyone. unlike my parents they are socially aware about politics and they’re the only person i feel like i can rant to (except for poc online). we’ve been through so much and its such a disgusting thing to say but i got abandonment issues and im just so fkn scared of being alone and never find anyone else who loves me/knows me.

i rly should break up cus im not even sure im in love... its just. fuCK im so lonely an asocial. i dont have any friends, i dont hang out with anyone and i cant really blame anyone but myself. i dont go out and meet people, i dont reply to potential friends messages i DONT KNOW WHY. all i do is sleep and eat junk food and watch kpop or smth.

this is such a mess tbh. i have no idea why im not breaking up. is it cus of guilt? is it bc im afraid to be alone? im not even sexually attracted to them anymore. everything has changed but if i were o break up i’d never be able to cuddle them if we break up. or just sleep together. or make sushi or travel or anything. i obviously like them, i just dont know if im in love anymore

can i really live like this for the rest of my life? it feels like i could cus im so fucking desperate and pathetic. i’ve done it before. i didnt realize it back then cus i was like 14 but yeah i was together with this dude until i met my ex-bff and i didnt feel lonely anymore or like i needed him. its so horrible cus i KNOW this is wrong... its like im waiting for the right opportunity to break up. back then i blamed it on the distance (lived in different cities). and its like im waiting for smth i can blame it on. ive thought about when we go to different colleges snd stuff like that

do you hear how fkd up this sounds??? im just so scared of getting depressed if i were to break up. i’ve already had my lowest point in life but im scared of going back. im not diagnosed with depression or anything and im too lazy to call a therpaist to talk to but i know that this is wrong, like this is NOT what i was like 3 years ago and the recent events ove been though csn support it too

you dont know how much i’ve struggled with my isentity. i’ve been thinking about cutting off ny whole white family and force myself into becoming independant. but wtf, that wont solve anything. that wont solve my lonliness. that wont make me feel more chinese, than will only make myself lonlier.

@ 13 year old me. i dont even have any friends anymore but obvs cus i got issues too lmao. abt the white partner.... i cant stop thinking abt this and it bothers me so much cus i cry at least once a day for being surrounded by all whites (family too). everytime i see a white-poc couple i think the poc is internalized racist but then there’s me too. if i was single today i’d never date a white... but im not single and i havent been for years now.

i rly should break up cus im not even sure im in love... at this point im just so scared of being lonely cus wow im such a disgusting human being with big abandonment issues. idk, theyre closer to me than my white family will ever be. i can rant to them how much i want but when the white jumps out or im aware of what we look like i get so fkn sad. i also rly want my children to look like me lmao if they're white im literally gonna kill myself.

this is such a mess tbh. im not even sure im in love. i have no idea why im not breaking up. is it cus of guilt? is it bc im afraid to be alone? im not even sexually attracted to them anymore. everything has changed but fick theyre the only one who undersyabd me. ghey undersyand me better than i do (not racism and sit obviously). i wont be able to cuddle them if we break up. or just sleep together. or make sushi or travel or anything