#practically a journal entry

[thebramblewood]

As Lilith’s question lingered in my mind — Do you trust me? — it required all of my dwindling energy to focus on something other than the peculiar sensation of her fangs digging into the tender flesh of my neck. Eventually, as my vision blurred and darkened, my mind drifted to a more comforting view, memories of an idyllic childhood. We were innocent then, troubled by nothing, not yet cognizant of the weight of expectation that would soon be thrust upon us. Though only two years separated us, I idolized Lilith. She was so confident and daring, two qualities I’d always lacked. I would have followed her anywhere, trusted her in anything — in fact, I did more often than not.

Only now, as I recall these final moments of my mortal life, does that trust begin to waver.

Previous / Next

Young Caleb: You’ll never make it all the way to the top.

Young Lilith: Will too.

Young Caleb: Will not.

Young Lilith: Will too! Let’s make a deal. If I reach the tallest branch, you have to climb up after me.

Young Caleb: I don’t know, Lily…

Young Lilith: Why are you so afraid if you don’t even think I can do it?

Young Caleb: It isn’t fair if I help you up.

Young Lilith: Just be quiet and stop wiggling. You’d better get climbing, pipsqueak!

Young Caleb: Don’t call me that! Look, I’m even higher than you!

Governess: [distantly] Lilith and Caleb Vatore! Get your behinds down here! Your mother will have my hide if you scuff up your Sunday best.

Young Lilith: [giggling breathlessly] Last one inside is a rotten egg!

Young Caleb: Wait! Help me down, Lily. I’m too scared. Don’t leave me here, Lily! Come back!

-

Caleb: [faintly] Lily?

Vlad: Goddamn it, girl! Get the hell off!

[discordant piano notes]

You’re killing him!

[coldfeetonthekitchenfloor]

The composition of butterfly wings, how if you hold me too tightly you’ll break the flutters in my flight pattern. You handle me too much and I’ll crumble into powder. I don’t like being in peoples fists, it’s hard to breathe through the gaps of grip. Don’t smother the flames of me by holding too tight. I thrive off freedom and floating air currents and enough space in the sky to hear my own voice. Let me be quiet, there’s a million whirling thoughts in here that I need to decipher before I put sound to. Let me be, let me be, and all that I am will fall like music around you.

[echinocereus]

The desire to do everything is overpowering

[oldyears]

i don't consider myself a yapper but also i'm going through fountain pen ink so fast because i write. so much. in my journal.

[robothipdips]

Probably best to keep scrolling, or alternatively go listen to literally any song from Buckethead's album Colma. It's beautiful. All of it. Heck listen to the whole thing. I'm just here to turn thoughts and feelings to words and maybe practice openness.

Frustrated with how easy my friends make it to figure things out. I would like to be as able to offer the same in return. I feel like I've fallen behind. I want to be a better friend and more of a person.

I want to learn what they know so that my requests for support/guidance feel more substantial, more worthy of their time. I stand by "there's no such thing as a stupid question", and so my guilt points to a sense of emotional self-sabotage with regard to my personal growth. Even now I feel so locked into mental rules I didn't even consciously choose. So were I to be more independently competent as a person, what would I be more independent of? I'd know to ask for help, so it wouldn't be a matter of individualism. It's not about denying myself the right to basic comforts, so it's not about feeling like I deserve less than others, or that nobody should have such comforts. It's not about feeling like a slave to instinct, instinct is valuable and important. I don't have a sense of being watched for errors or sins. It's not even a matter of coping mechanisms, I don't believe I get to employ my coping mechanisms as often or effectively as I would like. It is as though I have decayed, and in doing so ceded ownership of my brain emotional and cognitive sediment, and that sediment has taken on a life of its own. I'm not talking about other identities operating within my brain/mind. It's more like a million tiny remotes from the click movie. Tiny emotions and significances and connections falling to the wayside, throwing errors, failing to get across gaps or accumulate in the recursive cycles that constitute my being. I'm supposed to be starting CBT in a few months. That should have some value here, as should what it encourages me to get done. But aside from that, I don't know. I want to read more. I want to learn more, faster. I want to participate in things whose skills will give me a clearer reflection of my inner workings, the outer world, and the relationship between the two. Meditation, foreign languages, art, singing, programming, math, crochet, physics, animal husbandry, writing. Fervent learning is so core to my identity. I think that's what it is. I've been learning more and more slowly. Even with the medications that felt like breaths of fresh air. And maybe I ought to feel this way, regardless of how engaged I am with learning. Maybe this is what happens when fatigue accumulates. My sleep schedule used to be chaotic, but in a week I used to get a lot more. Now it's 2-4h a night, 6 if I'm lucky, none if I'm unlucky. 8-12 if I'm physically fucked up from exhaustion, and then back to 0-6. My sleep meds increase the quality of my sleep *f I can get it, but the vivid dreams at the cost of needing more emotional self/external care during my waking hours. My adhd meds calm me, and increase my connection to activities if I can start them... focus, stamina, patience, at the cost of needing better sleep and more relaxing downtime. But making the sleep happen? I don't know. I'm becoming less able to take care of myself and participate in my interests and responsibilities, which is increasing my stress levels, which is further impacting my sleep. It's a cycle. My mental health appointments mean missing classes, or having less time to study or relax. I've already dropped half of my interests since starting this semester and cut my social contact in half along with it just to maintain this sliver of a chance of catching up to my peers. I need more rest, a change of pace, and help. The grief of these last few years' losses have been so heavy. I want to be there for my loved ones. As the saying goes, I want to be able to keep people warm without setting myself on fire. Maybe I could catch up at uni if I had a spare two weeks. Maybe I could recover my energy reserves if I had a spare month. Maybe I could be okay if this all wasn't so overwhelming. That's not even getting into my finances. I can't wait those away. I need a real grip on things before this Winter when the Nordic dark months/super short days - I don't want even more cards stacked against my brain chemistry. Some peace shouldn't be too much to ask for.

I'm so tired of the decay. I'm so tired of being tired. I want to feel real again.

[livloiterlost]

625

My relationship with mess is complicated. My whole life revolved around trash. It surrounded me, clinging to the walls of my house and the recesses of my mind. The trash piled up inside my head while I ignored the growing accumulation of trash bags that slowly took over my room, the living room, and (eventually) the whole house. I’m not there anymore. Far, far from it. K keeps our small apartment so clean, I didn’t even know a home could be so clean. But even though I am far away from it all, the mess follows me. I can smell it sometimes. It taunts me, reaching out for me when I least expect it and sending me off on a wild chase to find it, upending chairs and couch cushions, examining every inch of the fridge, even rifling through the trashcan until I realize – it was never there. And I’m just a goose, running havoc all over my nice clean apartment, searching for an imaginary smell that soaks into my clothes and skin.

The trash follows me in other ways. I am messy. It’s in my blood. I leave empty soda cans out and I never wipe down the stove. K hates that. Sometimes, they comment, likening it to my old life, and it breaks something in me. My desk at work is covered in Post-it notes and gum wrappers. I never put my pens back in the pen holder. My bag is stuffed with old receipts, more gum wrappers – some wrapped around old gum that has hardened over time, some just thrown in – and forgotten lipgloss. 

I try to be clean. I do. I wish I wasn’t so comfortable in the mess. But I am. I hate the mess but there’s some sick part of me that wants to sink into the trash. To just lay there, rotting with the moldy to-go containers and mildew-covered magazines. It’s quiet. It's still.

It’s home.

[tractort33th]

This was supposed to be just landscape practice but it devolved/evolved into something small for a world that's been living rent-free in my head for a few years now. I even included the rough sketches of Rhodo before I settled on him cutting grass.

Also, check out that new signature

Prettty sweet

Close ups of my favourite pieces under the break

[a-passing-storm]

I am strongly considering doing my nightly journal entries in Latin, since I have been terrible about maintaining my Latin knowledge, and I haven't really been sticking to my planned Thirty Minutes Of Relearning A Day thing.

[nostalgias-diner]

Aaaaaa I was in the same room as Freddy & Matt!

My friend and I went to the NYC free screening of We're All Going to Die and it was so fun! I love the movie and the Q&A was good.

I really loved the showing of mock up shots of Freddy to show what they wanted to shoot as pick ups. Also they said they were very specific about the "wait what really okay" line in the script and stage directions because every time I hear it, it sounds like such a Freddy-ism.

I brought my notebook with my #1 dad sticker to NYC to get it signed but then left it at my friends place before the screening! So I got a poster for me and another for my brother but then didn't get them signed bc idk what I would have said after waiting in line. Like "Matt, I accidentally named my first DnD character after your daughter"? Or "Freddy, how did you guys meet/cast Jordan?"

Just seeing them there and getting a Thalia's Bee pin was great!

My friend and I were talking about how Beth had like 4 roles between producer, production assistant, actor and writing help and how we would have loved to see her (my friend is finishing her grad school in film producing & moving to LA this summer which is why she came without knowing rocketjump or Dndads)

[shishiikura]

It's sooooo nice to take the day off and get notifications for meetings I would otherwise have to attend but I don't have to cuz I am not working <3

[lucky-draws]

oh here are today's pages too lol..

[kotav]

DO YOU PREFER TAKING RISKS OR HAVING A SAFETY NET?

♡k 09/14/2024-09/17/2024

I preferred having a safety net for a really long time. I think in a lot of cases, you should always have a safety net especially as someone who grew up poor. But sometimes you can't always have a safety net.

For example, since moving out on my own, I’ve been taking the risk of getting over my anxiety and fear of driving. The more I practice driving, the less nervous and scared I am after each lesson. I feel excited getting behind the wheel now and going faster (the legal limit) than what I’ve done before each lesson. I still can’t believe I went faster than 50mph. I can’t believe I even touched 60!! (edit: 09/17/2024, I drove on the freeway for the first time)

A year ago, I wouldn’t even have dreamed of going any faster than 20mph. Learning how to drive has taught me that I am in control of myself and my situation. I have overcome the biggest obstacle of my life and as I continue to practice driving, I feel like I could do anything! I hope in 2 months, I will be so comfortable driving that I can, not only finally take my driver's test, but also go out on my own without fear, worry having to save for rides for the week or even waiting on someone to bring me to places! (ex., ubers/lyfts and friends/family helping me run errands)

I hesitated taking the initiative to practice driving for so long for many reasons that slowly snowballed into avoiding it completely up until this point. One of the main reasons was my fear of getting into a car crash. I believe it rooted from my childhood and teenage years from hearing my immediate and extended family getting into accidents (either it be their fault or the other driver involved). It's also expensive for the permit test(s), driving lessons, getting to and from the driving lessons and/or DMV, taking the driver's test(s) and the potential expenses of having and maintaining a car.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still worried but it's more of a financial worry now. I feel way more confident driving compared to 6 months ago and I believe I will get better as I continue to practice driving but I have to learn to accept the fact that I will owe and possibly be in debt to something or someone to have and maintain certain things in life such as a car and/or being a homeowner. I've always been afraid to be in debt and owe money. I have a "if I can't buy it in full, I can't have it" mindset. I grew up poor.

Driving doesn't really have a safety net option because although I would like to avoid getting into an accident, coming across car problems and owing a large amount of money, it's bound to happen whether I like it or not. I must decide if I want to swim or drown because either way it'll be hard but in the long run of having the ability to drive, it'll help make things easier for myself rather than not having my license at all.

Some times you have to jump the gun and go for it. You never know what it'll bring you and I hope having the ability to drive will bring me lots of opportunities in life that I would never have dreamed of a year ago (ex., new career opportunities, independence, freedom and new life experiences.)!

(edit: 09/17/2024, I came across this Instagram reel and thought it was relevant)

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by @opusreality

[phantalgia]

Getting Back Into Hobbies: Guitar, Introduction

Before I Even Begin

This is the start of a diary section of my blog dedicated towards learning guitar. I picked up my guitar after a few weeks still feeling confused as to what I was looking at. That throat tightness and shortness of breathe has come back. I have energy that came back despite the Long COVID to try and get back to it.

Anyway, there will be other diaries dedicated towards other hobbies. Drawing will be one, not sure if I'll ever share what I've been doing. But I will share my thought process and things I'm learning on the way. I also could have made a separate blog dedicated to just these hobbies. Honestly, I don't know. Perhaps I will if it seems like I should.

I think last night just reminded me of what really matters to me. I have alternating interests that cycle, never consistent. But I can work with that and attempt to work with my physical and mental health. The thing is, I got to start. So I want to at least pick up my guitar again. I will probably talk about how I'm gonna get myself back into drawing via another blog post but let's start with guitar.

Why Guitar?

To make things short and sweet, the American Primitive scene got me interested in guitar. It's probably a pipe-dream at this point to get to that point but I'll do what I can. I have other instruments that interest me but guitar seemed like a good place to start. I can save specifics about guitar and the genres of music that inspired me for a later time.

My Progress So Far

I don't really like to think about my progress, as when I look back I see a year or so went by and I feel like I didn't go anywhere. So I know my goal is in the fingerstyle realm but there has been something bugging me about the instrument that I HAD TO KNOW. This is part of my own perfectionism/anxiety and perhaps a very mechanical way of seeing things that I inherently have.

Guitar Theory/Music Theory Has Been My Focus

I'm really hellbent on guitar theory for the past year. I've pretty much abandoned fingerstyle practice for this. Honestly, what I want to learn is how to transcribe music and play along with songs. My goals have been the following:

"Memorize" all the notes on the fretboard or at least get relative knowledge about them.

Use CAGED to learn scales and chords and then how it can be used to relate to other systems and patterns of seeing the guitar, as well as theory.

Learn 3NPS

Understand how this all connects to broader guitar theory and music theory generally to have a more holistic view of the instrument.

The THEMES here have been holism, diversification, pattern seeking, connecting, relating, and theory (guitar/music)

I have thought about other goals to add onto this either during or after:

Chord theory

Chords and scales their relations

Others I can't really think of right now....

What I've Learned So Far

I initially started out learning fingerstyle but kept trying to find new ways to learn and see the instrument. What I gravitated towards has been transcribing and guitar/music theory. I really enjoy being able to play a song that's in the right key and figure out if the chords and scales are correct. I do need to also practice actual picking patterns too of course.

What eventually lead me to CAGED, memorizing the fretboard, and patterns and systems was because of how much CAGED tickled my brain in terms of how it allowed me to see the fretboard. I was excited and fascinated by the patterns and theory more than the act of playing itself. So that's where my focus has been. I don't know if this is indicative of how my brain operates or it's just "productive procrastination". I like systems and patterns and stuff. That took away from the actual art of playing.

Books I'm Using

I don't really like YouTube videos, they don't feel structured enough for me. Even books aren't perfect in this regard. But occasionally I'll use YouTube videos as a facilitator rather than the main mode. So books have been my go to.

Memorize and Master The Fretboard In 14 Days! - Troy Nelson

The CAGED System for Guitar - James Shipway

I'm also using a couple of courses on Udemy although they're not perfect. The Troy Nelson book has probably been the most interesting and the James Shipway book introduced me to a nice practice regiment I could apply to anything I do by going around the Circle of Fourths.

The Troy Nelson book has been really good for memorizing although, the memory seems to be muscle memory or relative memory rather than mental or absolute, perhaps I can use that to my advantage by incorporating other patterns and systems. Dropping the guitar for months after my surgery I came back pretty much oblivious to what I was looking at on the fretboard. But quizzing myself I realized I did remember quite a bit if I tried hard enough. After a few weeks still, I'm rusty again with the memory even though I tried to pick the guitar back up a week or so ago.

I want to add that Nelson offers not just a system to memorize the fretboard. No, it's more than that. It goes over theory and a whole host of other things with the emphasis on the goal being memorizing the fretboard. So you get a lot more out of it. It's a really good book IF YOU TAKE YOUR TIME WITH IT. Just because it's 14 days doesn't mean you have to or should do it in 14 days. I definitely am not, whether better or worse. In fact it might be for worse as I'm always feeling like I'm not good enough or haven't memorized it well enough.

The Shipway book is great for CAGED obviously, but offers multiple ways to tackle it and see it. So it's very varied in what it does. It does require knowledge of the notes on the last 2 or 3 strings though.

My Thought Process For Learning, Better or For Worse

So I'm a perfectionist, I'm very antsy about doing things the right way. That prevents me from doing a lot or moving along and progressing as I see things in a linear fashion. I have been trying to break from this habit but it's hard.

It's hard for me to see things as a process of just absorption over time. Instead it's all linear, structure, one thing at a time. So certain strategies for learning become difficult such as diversification.

So an example is this need to know the fretboard before moving on. I never finished that Nelson book, and managed to do that on top of the Shipway one and developed a regiment of practice where I went back and forth on top of self quizzing myself on note locations. It helped make learning the fretboard easier. As I had another way of seeing the fretboard and relating note locations to the CAGED system on top of this quizzing thing.

But perhaps I was only able to have this diversification as long as I slowly added new approaches over time instead of all at once. So I did this "fretboard memorization" book first for maybe a little bit, maybe get a quarter of the way through and go "ok I think I have made some room to add the CAGED book now" so I'm able to EASE my way into the CAGED book. And then BOOM I have built my system and didn't give myself much distress.

What Now?

Use this blog to document stuff and maybe get help? Perhaps slowly I can have a much better way of learning the instrument and make progress. I don't know what to do next. Perhaps today I will just take a break. I spent a lot of time writing about this and I'm drained and anxious about this. My mind is kind of bouncing around the drawing stuff too, so it's very active up there. I think I can at least be satisfied that I picked up the guitar for a little bit and did some writing today to talk about how I feel about it.

Future entries on my guitar progress will probably be after I make progress at a given day or even time of day, my thoughts, feelings, breakthroughs, emotions. I think my main worry is the feeling of being stuck or like I'm not going anywhere with this or things just taking too long.

Any Advice?

So I ask the person reading this, anyone with experience in fingerstyle guitar or in the American Primitive guitar space want to help give me some advice? Otherwise I could just go on Reddit and ask at some point.

[avaestellejournal]

April 29, 2010

April 29, 2010 Pretty alright day 😊 Had lunch with Gregory, we talked, agreed to go to prom as friends and see what happens. Which I am relieved about. 😊 we made out, he is a good kisser. After school I got my hair cut, had dinner here, had to pick up Meryl from flute practice and then went to the thrift store to look for jewelry. I found a pretty necklace. Then I went over to Shelby and…

[ljubimaya]

I may not know how to write smut, but that doesn't stop me from writing it