#probably others i cannot recall as I am tired

[revoltinglesbians]

tumblr loves reusing a joke from well over a year ago and revamping it into a meme that takes over your entire dash

[honeygrahambitch]

Back to my "Hannibal and Bedelia were colleagues in med school in Paris" headcanons.

If we follow the Hannibal Rising narrative line, there's a period where Hannibal injects himself with sodium thiopental to recall what has happened to his sister and basically to bring back some suppressed memories.

I think that wasn't a glorious academic time for him. And I really don't think he had friends other than Bedelia who was his "frienemy" because of the constant competition and casual ust and mind you, their egos were enormous even as students.

So basically she is the only one who notices the change. He looks tired. He looks consumed. He seems faraway during most of the lectures. And this change annoys her cause the only person who qualified as her "competition" was suddenly lacking.

It's not that his grades dropped. At least not enough for anyone to notice. Other than her.

So one night she storms into the library. She knows he is the only one who would be there past midnight on a Saturday. He ia hunched over a book and doesn't even lift his head when he hears her.

She slams a sheet of paper right on the pages of his book interrupting his focus.

"Your calculations were wrong." It's all she says.

Hannibal blinks a few times, taking in the sight of her. He realizes that it's probably raining since her blonde hair and coat are wet. But that's not the reason why she seems to be fuming.

"Is that so?" He asks, a bit bored.

"Yes."

"I will do them again by tomorrow." He says and moves away the paper so he can continue his reading.

She rolls her eyes annoyed, not moving an inch. "You will do them now."

"Excuse me?" He asks, lifting his glance.

"You heard me."

He wouldn't mind it usually, banter was something very common for the two of them but tonight it feels like something else.

"It looks like you are not here because of the calculations."

"I obviously am." She says and crosses her arms over her chest. She doesn't like that he is starting to read into it.

"Are you telling me that you walked through rain all the way to the university, at midnight only to tell me to fix the numbers?"

"It was midnight a long time ago, Hannibal."

"Even more so. Why are you here? I am trying to read."

"What are you reading?" She asks and before he can move his glance back to his book, she takes it away from him. "Tell me, what have you been reading?" She knows that he had probably been dissociating the whole time until she stormed in. He looked clueless but hid it well enough with his usual poker face.

"Something which was more worthy of my attention than this conversation we are having right now. Will you give me the book?"

"Not until you tell me what is actually going on with you." She says firmly.

"Pardon? You are the one who started harassing me."

"I am harassing you because something's wrong with you."

"If you ever become a psychiatrist, Bedelia, please don't apply the same tactics on your patients."

"Don't change the subject. You are not my patient, you are my fr-" she stops and corrects herself quickly "colleague."

He tries his best not to smile.

"And you are the only one here who has enough brains to almost surpass me. And I need the competition. And you need it too, that's our unspoken deal."

Hannibal doesn't bother to correct her about the use of the word "almost" and instead nods, so she can keep going.

"However lately, you haven't been yourself. You are not present. You are not even trying. You don't even know what you have been reading. And your grades are brilliant to everyone but it's those tiny decimals that make the difference. And it's too many decimals between my grades and yours."

Hannibal is slightly amused by this whole discourse. Bedelia was a nerd just as much as he was.

"Have you been obsessing over my grades? More than the usual, I mean."

"Hush, don't change the subject. What is happening with you?"

Hannibal sighs and debates on what to answer. He obviously cannot disclose what he has been doing but at the same time she is the only person in the world who has noticed a change, so maybe, hiding was pointless.

"I remembered something."

"What?"

"I remembered something from a long time ago. Something that I have suppressed up until now." He says. "I won't get into it but it might have hit me harder than expected."

She wants to keep scolding him. She wants to keep interrogating him. But she can't. For the first time tbat night she notices his dark bags in the dim light of the lamp. He looks exhausted. He is still charming, but the usual mischief in his eyes is faded.

She knows vague details about his life in Lithuania but she knows enough to tell that it might be related to that.

Neither of them says anything for a few minutes. She puts his book back on the table.

"The fact that you didn't even bother to lie about it tells me enough."

He nods.

"I wanted to bully you more tonight. But you ruined the mood."

Their shy laughter echoes into the empty library.

"I will leave you to your reading." She says as she is ready to turn and leave.

"I could use some company. You know, I need the competition."

She stays.

[fantomette22]

Crying after beating a Soulsborne game and DLC is the story of my life hehe. That’s why they’re so special! The sense of achievment is wonderful and the stories + atmospheres + endings are always so emotional. I’m delighted it hit you hard 🖤

Yeah! But not just crying, literally sobbing and crying my eyes out... been a while... and I don't recall doing that for any other FromSoftware game so far XD it's usually more for very story/characters oriented game & movies /series/books etc

Idk I should be more happy and I was and I am proud but it soon turned into sadness. Idk I guess with what happened to some npcs afterwards + item descriptions + end of elden ring finally + finishing the boss + other mini stressful stuff in my life I supposed I just needed a lil breakdown... I did cry again after reading this message too XD that's why I answered not on the spot I'm very tired too now... idk I re thought of the implications I learn in the end I suppose

So hm yeah mega spoilers for the end

So yeah finally beat Radahn and Miquella! X

Damn look at this 1 HP wtf?!?!

After 247/260h damn what an adventure (my ps5 is telling me 261h jfbekzk)

Ok so of course I feel a bit sad for them too bc it's so tragic...with what he say in flashback it sound just so... he really wanted the best but it didn't work... but I was still fine after reading it

Then...

I mean I already knew about this but again that was still ok i just felt a bit sad for them (also a few days ago finally meet invader hornsent just before Romina. But like I already beat Leda & co since at least a week+ 💀)

But after I went to see Trina... I knew what was gonna happen but.. idk with the music and all i

Well yeah i started crying. I cannot express it well now but that's just so freaking tragic and sad

Then after somehow calming down I went to buy & look at the other descriptions at the roundtable hold.

And I just wanted to cry even more... and I did a few mins afterwards. Even harder than before.

It's speaking about us isn't it? We completely fucked up his plan right? We refuse to follow... Even if it was always doom from the start and game doesn't leave us much choice on this... but like ... I couldn't stop myself from crying at all of this. To the tragedy and pain of all of this. Maybe because I am too similar to Miquella in some sense. Because we can't change anything that is happening in this storyline. Because I'm stress for other dumb things this past few days. Well maybe it create a lil opportunity to destress...

Sorry I'm probably not making lot of sense now? XD I'm better but I need to sleep now I'm very tired.

To finish I went back where it all began!

[dearweirdme]

Hello 🥰, I know you've received bunch of asks like this and you're probably tired but please bear with me.

So it's about the discourse of taekook "outing" themselves. I personally think it's silly to assume they'll do it I'm 2025. If anything that year will be the last one on their list.

So I believe that taekook are together and this thought about them announcing they are couple has been scratching my brain forever. And before, I thought that sooner (let's take 3 years) was as silly as thinking they'll do it in 2025. But then I've recalled that live of tae where he was sleeping in the dark in 2023.

It still haunts me to this day. For some others outside the taekook bubble, they might think it's not that big of deal but I think it's kinda huge. It was risky to sleep beside Jungkook during a live. And I think we assumed the latter was sleeping too right? Imagine he woke up and called his name. Or even said something that would have been obvious that it was him.

All of this to say that the live for me was one of many example of what taekook especially taehyung is able to do when it comes to their relationship. We might not have a big announcement about their relationship in the near future, but I think we'll have something not far from it.

Thank you.

Hi anon!

Mmm, that live was really something, I think some are still unsure if there actually was someone next to him, personally I'm pretty convinced that there was and it would make sense to me for it to be Jk. That live was one of three, that to me kinda belong together.. starting with the live where Tae plays To find you.. and ending with this one. The whole to me feels as Tae having missed Jk and Jk going straight from the airport to Tae (with Hawaii fresh in our memories.. not an odd thing at all).

I rember there having been discourse on wether this was risky for him to do or not. I was and still am of the opinion that Tae was the only one to decide wether that risk was actually there. He knows Jk's sleep better than anyone, so if he felt it safe to go live.. I take it he was sure that Jk would stay asleep. As fans.. we cannot say anything about the possible risk at all. Also.. the risk is theirs to take, not ours to judge.

Are there people who think they will come out next year? I would love that freedom for them obviously, but coming out when also making a comeback as BTS seems highly unlikely to me. My thoughts are generally that it will take 5 years at least, but more likely ten. I can see them move into a more glass closet situation. Having enlistment done, having been away from each other for so long.. I can imagine them wanting to be able to be together more. I'm very much divided between the business side and the emotional side.. and I have found that I have a hard time deciding which side will 'win'. Because for BTS to reunite (and probably a lot of money is at stake) I find it unlikely that they will be coming out or even moving into a glass closet situation soon. Emotionally though, I think they would in a heartbeat. If I had to take bets, I'd say reunion first.. moving into a glass closet situation after a year or 4, coming out for real after ten years. I think Tae and Jk being able to be publicly close like they have last year is already something they both wanted... I am curious to see how things will go in 2025.

[littlebitsmile]

in flames [C.L.] | Prologue

Hello and welcome to my very first content post on this page! I couldn't be more excited. Join me on this journey of F1 drama (and help me bridge the gap until the 2024 season starts) and let's see where this will go?

Here's the link to my Masterlist, in case you want to get in touch with more of my work.

Have fun!

story: in flames driver: Charles Leclerc [C.L.] trope: #haterstolovers summary: Always working three times as hard as everyone else, Emma does not intend to blow her chance of driving among the best of the best in her very first season in Formula 1. Concentrating on first and foremost getting ahead of her brother, she does not even notice that there are some people even in her own team who think she does not deserve this spot and would rather see her fail. And one driver in particular seems to have a need of always reminding her of that.

────ʚ P R O L O G U E ɞ────

There is something in the air, and for once, it is not only the smell of gasoline or burnt tires. An almost electrifying feeling spreads, one that permeates even up to the stands. My heart is pounding in my throat, my eyes wide open, and my hands have a firm grip on the steering wheel, as if it would slip away if I relaxed for even a second.

It is the last race of the season, and although I have a clear view on the first corner with not a single other car in front of me, I am more tense than in any other race. Whether it's because it is my final race in F2, and I am emotionally charged anyway, or whether I am more apprehensive about what to expect next year, I cannot say for sure. However, I can feel that expectations are already higher than they have ever been.

The first red light goes on. Then the second. Three, four, five. And then they all go out. My foot presses down on the gas pedal as if of its own accord, while my hands clutch the steering wheel even tighter. I breathe faster, my eyes fixed on the first bend. I can feel the engine beneath me, every single stone on the asphalt, how my car leans into the bend, skids over the curbs, and how I am pressed into the seat as soon as I brake. A smile spreads across my lips.

At this very moment, I'm proud of myself. Proud of all the countless hours in the simulator, on the track, and my entire life devoted to just one thing: racing. Whether it's racing cars, karts, or even supermarket trolleys – I take pride in it all. I'm proud of how my whole team rallied after a horrendous season start with "DNF" next to my name like it belonged to me. Despite numerous mistakes with tire choices, pit stops, understeering, oversteering, or just misjudging when to brake, giving up was never an option.

I can't recall my first day in a racing car, but my first win is etched in my memory. It was the year my brother switched karting teams, and since he was predicted to be the next rising star, they probably thought getting me that seat would boost their popularity even more. It wasn't until the second year in karting that I got the chance to stand on that small podium and finally win a race.

Whenever I think about that day, I see my mom cheering me on and my dad coming to me afterward, checking statistics, racing strategies, analyzing the track line, and telling me that I still wasn't giving it my all compared to my brother. But at the same time, my skin remembers the tingling feeling when I got to hold the trophy in my hands, which I could barely wrap my hands around. My cheeks were burning from all the smiling, and I probably had tons of bruises on my shoulders from people patting me on the back, telling me how much I deserved this. That trophy still sits on the top shelf in my bedroom, and every time I look at it, a wave of gratitude and happiness washes over me instantly.

“Emma, are you listening to me? Box, box.” The voice coming from my earplugs drowns out the noise from the motor. My race engineer, Enzo, has been with me for quite some time, and somehow, I cannot shake the feeling that I will do a lot worse without him next season. I will hold him accountable if my only chance in Formula 1 goes to waste because he did not want to “be part of seeing you crashing under the pressure of people who do not know you.”

“Copy.” I navigate the car into the pit lane, where I can already see a team of blue mechanics with “DAMS” written on their backs waiting in their positions for me to come in.

The car screeches to a halt as I position myself between the white marks on the floor. The jackman lifts the car, allowing the tire changers to swoop in and perform what they have been training for in countless hours of practice and all the races during the season. Metallic clatter fills the air. Relying on such an iconic and well-oiled machine, a team, and their actions which are completely out of my control, while I am sitting here not being able to interfere has been the hardest part to accept. To be honest, that took a lot of time and work on myself, being able to trust these people every week, not blaming them or myself for any mistakes that happened. For two years they have been nothing short of supportive, understanding, and calm, kind of like a mountain in a storm. A wave of emotions hits me.

As the last nut tightens, the jack is released. I feel the jolt and with a nod from the pit crew chief, I am out of the box again. My car rejoins the track.

“That is Vesti in front of you, 13.9 seconds for P2.”

“Copy.”

The hum of the engine, the wind against my visor, the grip beneath me, thanks to the fresh rubber – most of the time, this is the moment where I appreciate where I am. For the first rounds of a race, anxiety and adrenaline are overruling every other thought, every other feeling, every other impulse. But after the first pit stop, the weight falls off, the clouds in your mind clear, and you can fully focus on what is ahead. The car starts to feel like I am an inseparable part of it. A sense of purpose and determination burn bright in my heart. I want to win this race – not for me, but for the team.

Frederik Vesti has been one kind of a competitor this season. The Dane coming from F3, where he got crowned champion, was nothing short of passion for racing. The battles with him were ones to be remembered, with one of us always having to retire from the race. Our respective teams were not very fond of our rivalry, but I saw some mechanics taking bets on the outcomes of these battles for the last few races.

I gain ground with every corner, chicane, twist, and turn.

“Emma, you’re closing in. The gap is down to six seconds. Push, push!” Enzo’s voice crackles over the team radio. I nod, until I realize that he cannot see me.

“Alrighty, let’s do this.” My grip tightens, the engine roars in response to my foot applying even more pressure on the accelerator pedal. It feels like eternity until I am somewhat close to a position I can overtake from.

“Fastest sector 1 and sector 2. Gap to P2 is two seconds.” Adrenaline along with anticipation is pumping through my veins. Approaching the straight, cheers blend in with the sound of the engine and the voice in my headphones coming from the team radio. With each passing meter, I am getting closer to Dennis in front of me, with the vibrations of the chassis reminding me of the power, elegance, and trust that lie within my hands.

I dart out behind him, unleashing the full power of the car. It is risky, but my gut tells me that this will work out just fine. My eyes focus on the next corner, trying to give my senses a feeling of where I would have to brake at the latest to not mess this opportunity up. The crowd cheers. I get ahead, timing my move perfectly, hitting the brakes like never before, giving it my all. As I move into the corner with my opponent being stuck behind me, I try to block any gaps he could use for a counterattack. And then there it is.

“YOU DID IT! P2! LET’S BRING THIS HOME!”

In this moment I can feel Vesti’s acknowledgment. Many of the men I met on my path were belittling and smiling at me whenever I voiced my dreams of becoming a Formula 1 world champion, but I met so many more who told me that they have never seen such potential within a young woman. And every time I won a race, made it on the podium, or succeeded in a maneuver, I knew that I should rather listen to the second group.

The last lap unfolds. My emotions are running wild, and I can already feel some tears coming. “Guys, I just wanted…”

“Not now, Emma. Bring it home. This is yours.” Enzo’s voice is not as strong as before, maybe because he as well is a bit emotional.

Suddenly the whole world comes to a halt. The last straight lies ahead of me, but all I can think about is how I am going to miss my team. I think about how everything will change from now on, how all these people will continue with their life, and the next driver that comes along, whereas for me, they made such a big difference in my journey.

A fleeting moment of victory evokes as the checkered flag is waved as I cross the finish line.

“P2, Emma, P2. Congrats, you did an amazing job! What an ending to this season. Thank you, thank you so much.”

“Great job, Emma! I hope you will show some of those F1 monsters where you came from!”

“YES, WE DID IT! P2, what a result!”

Tears are dwelling up. I take a few breaths in to calm my nervous system, but it does not seem to work. “Thank you so much, every single one of you. I don’t know who I would be without you. I’m going to miss you so much, guys!”

The crowd roars, celebrating Théo Pourchaire’s win. There are congratulations over the team radio, people waving flags of different drivers in their respective team colors.

As the victory lap ends and the car comes to a halt in front of the banner with a big “2” on it, I need a few seconds to sort myself out. I sit and breathe. This is the last time getting out of this car, the last time celebrating with this team, the last time hearing applause, and cheers. After that, it is back to square one with an even more demanding car. The next season starts as soon as I step out of this car. Shaking hands with my future race engineers and team principal, and talking about how soon I can fly out to get some hours in the simulator done. Reaching out to my personal trainer to redo my schedule, training not only 6 times a week but rather twice every day. Going for a mental coach. And on top of that, getting back in touch with my family. The weight of the moment settles in.

I unbuckle the safety harness, take out the steering wheel, and lift myself off the seat. I stand on my car, having a look around. Then I jump off and run towards pit crew, the mechanics, and engineers who all gathered behind the gates. They embrace me in a tight hug, patting my shoulders and my head that is still covered in the helmet. No one can see the tears of joy that are soaked up by the material inside the helmet.

As I make my way back, I take my helmet off. I am sure the mixture of sweat and tears let my face burn in a bright red color, but the smile on my face should let the people know that I am filled with gratitude.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see my father standing there. I smile at him, but I get nothing in return. Time seems to stand still; I do not even hear how the third-placed driver is being interviewed. I furrow my eyebrows. Why is he not smiling? He shakes his head, his eyes dropping to the ground. Then he turns around and walks away.

And suddenly I remember why my father was not smiling. It is because I did finish second. I did not win the race. And as he used to say: Being the first loser is still being a loser. And a tiny voice in my head tells me, what I am trying to shove away during races: Your brother could have done better.

“And now, on to the second place, the surprise of the season: Emma Verstappen!”

────ʚ [Masterlist] [Chapter I] ɞ────

[eleanore-delphinium]

The Beginning of a New Life: The New Member

JLDAW AU

1 : Damirae Week 2020 : BOUND TOGETHER

2 : Damirae Week 2020 : SOULMATES

3 : Damirae Week 2020 : MARRIAGE 

4 : I remember You

5: The Beginning of a New Life: The New Member ( YOU ARE HERE )

~.~.~.~.~.~.~

Recap of the New Timeline After JLAW

I woke up with a gasp, the air within my room felt heavy. I sat up on my bed as I wipe sweat from my forehead.

“Great! You’re awake!” My father says annoyed. “You were making me feel things I do not appreciate, child.”

“Like what father?” I ask just as annoyed.

“Miserable.” He grunts.

“Good. Because that is what I feel with you, and I hope you feel that too.” I mutter at him and he starts cursing me for being ungrateful. I ignore him so that I can focus on my surroundings to calm myself down.

I look at my room in the Titan Tower. Everything seemed normal, nothing was out of place. My father was right. I felt miserable when I had woken up from my sleep. Why did I feel miserable? Oh yes, it was because of my dream—no that was a nightmare.

The details—what were the details? I found that I couldn’t recall my dream. A dream? What dream am I thinking about? The one from last night?

I slowly lie back down in bed; it was still night out. I was just confused from being woken up suddenly by my annoying father. Yes, I will back to sleep now.

I allow the drowsiness to come to me. Today was a very tiring day, I need to go back to sleep. My eyes flutter back to sleep.

I felt like there were people in my room talking. It was faint, but it was a full-on conversation.

“Will I remember you?” A male voice says.

“Yes…” I felt something warm against my lips. “Unknowingly…” The female voice continues with a sad tone.

“Like the word at the tip of your tongue, like a memory you couldn’t completely recall, like a kiss from a butterfly…” I muttered as she finishes what she was saying, our words completely in synced. I wondered if I was having a fever dream. It had been a really long day.

“A feeling you cannot shake.” I felt that I had to hold onto those words. Yes. I have to hold onto those words. They were important. I know they were. I felt that there was even something more that was said before it ended.

Wait, what ended? My heart felt like it was being clenched.

What was it that I was supposed to hold onto? A tear slips from my eyes.

Why do I feel so sad? It was probably nothing. Yes, it was nothing. And everything was dark.

“You and I have become soul mates. You are bound to me as I am bound to you. No matter when or where, this will be true. Even if we do not know.”

I awoke with a jolt as though I was falling.

“Raven, hurry up, we have a new member coming!” I heard Garfield yell from outside my door. I gave him a hurried reply and I prepared myself to meet the new member.

“Meet at the yard!” Garfield yells outside my room.

When I got to the yard the Batmobile was coming to view from a far. I felt a tug on my heart, I couldn’t help but frown.

“Is Dick the surprise, Kori?” I couldn’t help but ask. And she looks at me with a smile.

“Of course, not silly! Don’t you remember? Today we are going to take in a new member—I told you all about this a few days ago.” The car had stopped in front of us and the doors opened. I saw black hair and my heart skipped a beat. “The new Robin, Damian.”

A boy with black hair stood before us in his Robin uniform. And my heart couldn’t help but skip a beat. And my eyes couldn’t help but follow a certain person’s black hair.

He looked different; It felt like I had not seen him in ages. He certainly looked different. But his black hair was the same. My heartbeat quickened as he approached. Closer and closer.

The black suit with blue over his chest suited him well. Dick and Kori approached one another and gave each other a quiet squeeze with their hands and I looked away awkwardly. What was I thinking, this is bad, this crush is bad.

I evaded the couple and somehow my eyes drifted to the new member. He too had black hair, and wore the robin suit. And my breath hitched at the sight.

No. Not again. Not this again.

But I felt that he was feeling perplexed. My face must have shown too much. I felt naked under his eyes. They were the color of emeralds– of evergreen trees– of a forest so lush that the scene would always take your breath away.

I was facing the newcomer but my eyes looked elsewhere.

“You must be Damian.” I said rubbing my arm, hoping he had really not noticed what I have been trying to hide for so long.

“Yeah.” He replied, and my eyes couldn’t help but flicker at him. I felt a different kind of breathlessness when I heard his voice and it amplified when his green eyes stared back at me. 

In my mind, I saw a man with black hair overlap his figure but it was so blurry, that I wasn’t sure if it matched. I couldn’t even see his face, and soon after I could barely recall the image.

But I knew for a fact that I had seen very briefly the man I’ve been dreaming about. And that his image was overlapping over Damian. Somehow it felt almost so right. But didn’t I feel a similar thing with Dick and Tim?

I blinked in confusion. The thought disappeared from my mind. And there was just him. A boy I just met that wore such a perplexed expression on his face.

Even in his confusion, it felt like it was mine too. 

He must have noticed. I looked away in shame.

“Do you—do you want help?” I offered, waving a hand at his duffle bags.

“Oh—uh—sure.” He said and offered me the smaller bag. Our fingers lightly brushed one another and I felt both our confusion through the contact. There seemed to be something there. No, it’s probably in my head.

After all, it’s a Robin.

This would only make it the third time that I fell for the boy in the costume.

I really do have a type. I couldn’t help but click my tongue silently.

“I thought you said he had an attitude?” I heard Kori ask Nightwing as I turned on my heel.

“I honestly can’t believe this. He actually even offered his bag.” I heard Nightwing reply. I felt Damian’s emotions turn sour.

“Let me lead you to the tower then, and your room.” I quickly said and somehow it quelled his anger. “By the way, this is Garfield,” I said as I pointed at Garfield. “And this is Jaime, and the one talking with Nightwing is Kori, which I’m sure you already know.”

I hear him hum a response as I feel his acknowledgement to the information and I nod. My pace was a bit hurried but Damian matched it well. I just didn’t want to see them. It hurt even more when I saw Dick from the back, the pain would be laced with the faintest hint of fear. And I don’t know why, I never know why.

Dick was Kori’s boyfriend. I don’t understand why I was feeling this way.

This obsession I have over men with black hair, must have stemmed from the dreams I’ve been having recently. No, to be honest, these dreams weren’t a recent occurrence. I just so happened to be more aware now. This man whom I have been longing for—for who knows how long– would I even recognize you?

When I saw Dick Greyson for the first time in his Robin uniform, my heart was beating so loudly. I was convinced everyone could hear it. But when his mask was off, I was overwhelmed with such great disappointment. The same thing happened with Tim Drake. I was at the point of wishing for this dream man to arrive already. But I could barely see that person, even in my dreams, everything was a blur. And the moment he slipped out of my mind, I instantly forget that I even longed for him.

You. Who has been haunting my dreams. Who are you?

“Raven?” Someone called out as a hand wrapped around my wrist, I looked up and saw beautiful green eyes. And I felt like the world just stopped for a moment.

No. Not again.

I quickly evaded his green eyes as I calmed my heart down and pulled away a bit too quickly.

“I’m sorry, I’m not trying to be rude.” I added when I felt his disappointment and confusion.

“Rae, are you okay, you just stopped walking.” Garfield said his hand extended to touch me.

I don’t even know what you look like—this man in my dreams. 

I looked at Garfield with a downcasted gaze and sighed aloud, “Yeah, just… you know, just worried about our mission…” I shook my head and smiled trying to dispel the longing I had for a stranger. 

It was unfortunate, but the longing was more of a distraction than anything. 

“Anyways, we got a new member. Kori plans to have a small get-together–” I had turned to Damian but froze as I stared at his serious gaze. The feeling that told me that there was this level of familiarity had gripped me so tightly that I couldn’t think.

“Rae?” Garfield placed an arm around my shoulder, breaking me from the sheer and raw emotion that was clawing at me. Demanding to be acknowledged. 

“I’m sorry, my head is aching again.” I gave a little shake of my head as I touched my temple with one hand. 

Garfield looked at me worriedly and nodded, “Why don’t I take the new guy around and you go and rest.” He glanced at the bag I was holding and took it away from me. I sighed aloud and gave Damian a small smile.

“Sorry.” I politely said and Damian smiled at me in such a pure manner that I was left startled by it. I nervously looked away from him and Garfield as I mumbled a thank you to the green boy.

I quickly rushed back into my room, I felt quite overwhelmed. There were just way too many new things happening. In some cases, some reoccurring things too. I can’t keep falling for each man with black hair. Well, it seems like it’s a natural course for my heart to skip a beat the moment I see black hair.

I sighed aloud as I slumped down to the floor against my room door. The coolness was oddly comforting.

This was ridiculous. I can’t keep doing this.

But it’s not like I was doing this on purpose.

I brought my legs to my chest as I hugged them and buried my face in my legs.

‘You are such a foolish child.’ I rolled my eyes at my father’s words.

“I’m quite well aware.” I mumbled, but I am sure my father didn’t know the details of my dilemma, just my general emotions. The thought was comforting.

‘I wonder what that orange-haired friend of yours would think if she knew how your heart beats when you see her boyfriend.’ I sighed aloud. Azar, I hope Kori wouldn’t ever know. I can’t even explain why I felt like this every time. I admit, I even started feeling something for the newcomer too.

Azar, make this end. 

I squeezed my eyes but the image of black hair and a sunset behind the dark figure came to mind. 

“Why can’t I see your face?” I whispered, feeling exhausted even though I had just woken up. 

~.~.~.~.~.~

Somehow Damian and I became close. It felt rather organic. Right even. Like it was destiny. 

Sometimes when I see him I would feel my hands become sweaty, my heart would beat a little too fast and I couldn’t breathe. But this wasn’t new to me. I had felt this way for his older brothers too. It was unfair for him if he caught on to how I was reacting around him when… Well, honestly, I act the same way, around each other Robin that came my way.

I had to control whatever this is– because clearly this wasn’t love or a mere crush. It just seemed like a toxic obsession. And I didn’t want Damian to be the third victim of this yearning that has been consuming me whole.

It’s just so unfair. I just wish I could see the face of the man that has got me feeling like this, then maybe I can find him and not look for some replacement. Because at this point, it just feels like I am looking for his next potential replacement.

And I already feel so bad when I look at Damian and think: maybe it’s him.

This needs to stop. I need to let him go. This stranger that I knew I loved with everything I had to offer. It’s kinda funny–sad really– how certain I am that I love him when I have never even dated someone and love someone that way. At least in this life, all those were foreign to me.

I suspect that maybe that black haired man in my dreams was someone from a past life. 

He must have really left an impression on me. Or rather my soul. For me to continue looking for him the way that I was. Too long for him and his presence. 

But I need to let him go. I need to tell someone. And I know just who to let this all out. 

Damian.

He wouldn’t judge me.

And so I did. I told him how I had liked his brothers but not how he himself was making me feel– the same thing as they had. Because whatever I was feeling for Damian was likely the same as his brothers– just a fleeting emotion that stemmed from wanting to fill a void that just can’t be filled in by just anyone. 

I know that the only one who could fill the void is the man in my dreams. It had to be him. But I don’t know who he is. 

And this is just so exhausting. 

I need space to not be driven by this longing for a stranger.

And even when I decided to put up a shield so I don’t feel others emotions Damian did not judge me. I do find it odd how easily I bonded with him, but there is this strong sense of doubt that would tell me that maybe we got close because of my desperation to fill my longing for that stranger– with gorgeous black hair.

But that doesn’t matter now. I have made my decision.

I’m letting him go, and hopefully this longing for him would vanish too.

My days went by peacefully. It felt like I was freed from shackles that I didn’t even know were there until they were gone. 

I felt so light.

So relieved. 

Every passing moment felt more meaningful as I wasn’t keeping an eye out to meet this man in my dreams. I admit, there were times I would find myself thinking about those dreams– that I can’t really recall. And then there would be some thoughts that linger in my head. 

Like how I know he had a nice smile, but it wasn’t like I could see it in my dream because the light was just too bright or the fact that he looked like a mere shadow. 

But I knew it to be a fact.

There were times however, where I felt like there was a familiar gaze on me and I was certain that for a moment, it was the person I was longing for. And when I try to look for the source I see no one out of the ordinary or more like no one was looking at me. 

I admit though, there were times that my eyes would meet the vibrant green eyes of Damian. And Azar, I admit, I desperately wished that it was him. 

Then I remember that I thought the same of Tim because Dick left an impression that seemed to have caused a domino effect on me. Every man after Dick with black hair just screamed at me, seeking my attention.

Because if I didn’t pay attention to them, it felt like I wouldn’t be able to breathe.

“Raven.” I looked up from writing in my journal, jumping a little on my bed as I was startled. 

It was Damian and he looked rather conflicted. I was laying on my bed with my belly down as I wrote. I didn’t notice him enter my room or knock. But by the way he stayed by the door I could tell that he likely had been trying to get my attention for a while and opted to enter because he had something important to say.

I didn’t really mind. I often think about why I allow Damian to do things I normally wouldn’t want others to do. I think it’s because of his black hair. A trait I can’t seem to resist. 

I sat up, closing my journal and waving it and disappeared, “Sorry, I was consumed in my writing. I like to write and let my thoughts out.” 

Damian stared at me and nodded, “I understand, I keep a journal myself too.”

I was surprised by the information and a smile bloomed on my face. I casted my gaze down, trying to hide the amusement in my eyes from him. When I knew that I wasn’t giving my emotions away I looked back at him and he looked rather nervous which made me frown.

He was rubbing his arm and stayed at the same spot, his eyes avoiding me.

“What’s wrong?” I asked cautiously and his eyes flickered at me and I could clearly see the guilt. I found myself at a loss for words. It was almost like there was a voice from within me telling me that he should never feel guilty. He should never look at me like that.

“I didn’t want to.” He began and I furrowed my brows. I gestured for him to take a seat on my bed and he walked to me with guilty eyes.

He sat on the bed with his head bowed as he continued, “Dick suggested I ask for your help– and Batman– he… he ordered it.”

I pressed my lips, patiently waiting for him to clearly state his intentions.

He looked up at me and the guilt in those green eyes knocked my breath away. For a moment, I had thought that my shield was down. He made me feel that guilt with that one look. It felt so familiar too. Like I’ve seen him look at me like that before, but I know I haven’t. 

This was the first time I ever saw him this vulnerable.

So why was the sense of him looking at me like that– so strongly wrong?

But I controlled myself and the emotion I was feeling. I reached out for him, my hand on top of his and stared at him earnestly with an encouraging smile on my lips.

He stared back at me for a moment and then sighed aloud, closing his eyes, “I know you had just told me that you placed your shield up,” His eyes opened and the guilt was still there, “And I understand why you did it. And I must sound like such an ass for saying this, but I need you to bring it down. I need your help. I didn’t want to have to get you involved because I know–”

I squeezed his hand and he looked down at our hands then looked up at me and I told him, “Consider it done.” I didn’t even know the details, but I trust that Damian wouldn’t ask me such a thing if it wasn’t important.

He blinked at me, “Raven, you don’t have to do this I–”

I smiled at him and he seemed to have frozen and I shook my head, “You wouldn’t be asking if it wasn’t important. So, what is the mission?”

I chewed my lower lip as I tried to focus, the way Damian was looking at me was making me think of the phantom man in my dreams. Almost everything would lead back to that man. 

Damian was looking at me right now as if he was wondering how he got someone so great at his side. And I was being washed by this overwhelming familiarity and longing. 

He inhaled heavily as I found him looking at our hands and he fidgeted with my hand. It was the first time that he did this but I didn’t hate it. Again, it just felt familiar and right.

“I need you to use your empathic abilities like a tracker.” He started and I nodded, low-key enjoying the warmth from his rough hands. “We will have to be undercover at Gotham Academy for this mission. Something is up and I honestly can’t figure it out. They were hoping your particular skill set can help.”

I was silent and he looked up at me with worry.

“I’ve never been to a school.” I smiled weakly while raising my shoulders a little bit. I understood now why he was so guilty. I didn’t want to feel others' emotions and here he was asking me just that.

“I’m sorry…” He couldn’t help but say, squeezing my index finger and for that second I wished he had intertwined his fingers with mine.

I shook my head to remove the thought from my mind, “You wouldn’t be asking if this wasn’t important.” I stood up letting go of his hand before I acted on my impulses. “I guess we have to meet Batman or Dick to be briefed?” I smiled faintly, putting my hands behind my back, still feeling his touch.

And how much I was longing for it. I hope it wasn’t clear on my face.

He nodded then stood up, his fingers fidgeting against each other as if he had lost something. He then brushed invisible dust off his thighs, “Yeah, they have prepared your cover in case you’d say yes.”

I smiled and then adapted a teasing tone to lighten the mood up, “I bet they prepared it knowing I won’t say no.”

He shook his head with a small smile on his lips.

“I mean, how could I say no to my leader?” I added, glancing at him as I took a step toward the door and it looked like his eyes were sparkling.

“You could always say no to me, I wouldn’t be angry.” He said and I was surprised with his words, causing me to stop in my tracks. 

I crossed my arms and raised a brow at him. “Oh really? A lot of the members would insist that you have some favoritism toward me– and if they hear that, they will be very convinced about this favoritism you have.” 

He laughed a little at my words and the laughter felt familiar. I wondered if Dick and Tim made me feel like this when they do these kinds of little things. I pushed the thought away. It’s always just me feeling this way.

“Maybe I do.” He shrugged his broad shoulders as he walked away from me, leaving me speechless.

“Well? Aren’t we going to Batman?” Damian asked, peeking at me by the door. I looked at him with clear annoyance.

“You really should keep that to yourself. The team would not be happy.” I replied walking toward him. He looked thoughtful and then ultimately shrugged.

I was annoyed. The small interaction I had with him right now, made me long for that man in my dreams. And this longing was even deeper than normal. And that is saying a lot as I knew that the longing was pretty heavy as it already is.

And yet also, I couldn't help but wonder if his words were serious. And if that statement was real, was I really his favorite or maybe it was someone else and he was just teasing me. 

But if it was really me, then why me? 

The thought of him favoring me made my heart flutter.

Did I even deserve it?

‘No. You locked up your own father.’ Trigon suddenly said and I rolled my eyes. 

~.~.~.~.~.~

Did you guys like it? Did it frustrate you? Well, I just hope you guys enjoyed it.

[bowandcurtsey]

(Edit request and thanks for the advice. I'm asking William X F!reader AU whose son is a without magical child and reincarnated controller devil like Nayuta) (y/n is pregnant with his youngest son for the first time and he He was well cared for because he was a weak child and had withou magic from birth s/n At the age of 3-4 he unconsciously displayed demonic powers with his eyes changing. The next story can be anything as long as Aine is the author) ( hope you can read what I translated 🙇‍♀️

{1700 event}

AU: Chainsaw man-ish, black clover-ish AU (it didn't really specify for which au, so i'm doing a hybrid)

Hi lovely bby, so I've finally come to this request after a long time, I'm really sorry and thank you for waiting.

I actually don't watch chainsaw man, so I've done a little bit of homework here and did a little bit of summary for the rest of the readers as well.

The control devil is able to "control" other beings; altering their memories, using their senses

A devil can also make contract with humans, they have supernatural strength, and keen senses.

So yeah, the control devil is super dangerous and op. x.x Sounds like someone super troublesome...

I'll be doing a continuation to the above story, with a mix of some drabble and hcs

Characters: William Vangeance x f! reader, son: s/n tw: pregnancy

"William," the both of you stared at s/n, "did you see that?"

"yes, honey." he said calmly and quietly.

Then it happened again, right before your eyes, s/n's eyes flashed a hue of black while he stared at your border collie, sushi.

There was a glint in the dog's eyes and he proceeded to bring s/n his favourite fireman truck, like a puppet being controlled.

Awhile later, Sushi shook his entire being, as if snapping out of his trance and went running away.

"I'm calling Julius and Marx."

-----------

After Julius and Marx examined him, they broke the news to you and william that s/n was a reincarnation of the control devil, Makima. It probably happened because while you were pregnant with s/n, you were possessed by Makima during the Devils war.

"what should we do now," you sobbed, "this is all my fault."

William caught you just as you were slipping onto the ground, "honey, you're pregnant, please... don't blame yourself like that."

"I am to blame for not being able to protect my wife and son." he consoled you, stroking your hair.

"if he can control her powers and you guys can teach her from right and wrong, then being a devil might not be a bad thing." Julius consoled the both of you.

"A devil cannot remember their memory of their previous life, and s/n does not remember any thing about Devil Makima. It's just that I was able to get access to his past life memories with my powers," Marx explained.

"The devil Makima wanted a real relationship with people she loved and cared about," William recalled, "she just didn’t know how, since she was used to controlling people to do whatever she wanted”

While you were possessed by the devil back then, William did a lot of research and studying about the control devil. Just like Liebe, not all devils are bad and they can coexist with humans.

“I’ll do whatever it takes…” you held s/n in your arms, caressing his cute and innocent face.

————————

You were due soon. Your second child was about to pop anytime. You were getting restless, your body was tired and you wanted this baby to come out asap.

No matter how exhausting your day was, you would always bring s/n out for walks during the evenings. He loved the nature, just like his father.

And today, he wanted to go out of the noble realm. It wasn’t a problem usually, but you were heavily pregnant and William was not around, so you were a little hesitant..

“But mommy,” s/n tugged at your hand, “it’s been so long we went to visit Uncle Yami!”

At the thought of being with the black bulls, it made you feel better, if you couldn’t handle anything, the bulls could help you.

“Alright, let’s go get changed sweetie!”

———————

“Mommy!” S/n pointed at a nearby village when you were midst air en route to the black bull’s base, “i want cotton candy!”

One of the common realm was having a carnival and the bright colours of the cotton candy attracted your son.

You were slightly thirsty, so you decided to take a little break.

Just like any little kid would, s/n was fascinated by all the stores and fuss of the carnival. You looked at your son’s happy face, you felt that everything was worth the while.

*BANG*

A loud noise came from the other end, and shouting was heard. You instinctively pulled your son close.

People were running and flying away, and the carnival was in chaos. The animals in the carnival had gone wild and were in a rampage, attacking anyone they saw.

Someone bumped into you hard, and you felt something in your belly constrict. You were holding onto your belly in pain and grasping onto s/n, in case he went missing in the chaos.

A feral rhinoceros came charging at the both of you, the pain in your belly made you feel so weak, you could barely pull up a barrier around you, so you could only muster up any strength you had to shield s/n from the danger.

The Rhino came to an abrupt stop right before you. It was so close, you could even hear its breathing. You looked up to see the Rhino's face right in front of you, but it's eyes were pitch black, as if possessed.

You looked at s/n, his eyes were glowing while staring at the Rhino. He was controlling the Rhino!

"Hey baby, tell Mr Rhino to calm down and go home, please?" you quietly whispered to s/n.

"ok mama." he answered, and in a few seconds, the Rhino calmed down and turned around. His eyes slowly turned back to his original colour as he looked at you, smiling and clapping to himself, as if he was proud of what he did.

"Good job baby," you hugged him, "mama's so proud of you. Let's call daddy right now ok? Mama's a little unwell."

You looked at your 3 year old, deep down, you were a little scared of his devil powers, but at the same time, proud of him. You told yourself you would do anything in your power so that he would be a good devil, just like Liebe.

[nysus-temple]

[Helen/Paris] and [Odysseus/Calypso(and/or)Circe] similarities

I shouldn't have actually written this down? Probably. Am I still gonna do it anyways? Yeah. 8 years in the Trojan Cycle thingy and people are still discussing the interactions between this characters, damn, I thought it was clear enough.

Anyways. Onto the similarities and why I keep thinking until this day that both Helen and Odysseus were held captives. It's a short essay, since i'm just dumping my thoughts and other people's thoughts after seeing the ammount of bullshit that goes around here.

Were you kidnapped or seduced?

Agh, jeez.

So can we, you know, start from the part that it's Aphrodite the one who does literally everything? DO NOT demonize Aphrodite, this IS NOT what i'm telling you to do.

She had to do her part of the deal, that's why she gave Helen to Paris as a prize for choosing her. She's a goddess, we know how this works.

The thing is... Okay, Aphrodite forced everything since she promised it to Paris, but was Helen okay with this?

*checks notes* so Gorgias, a sophist philosopher (oh that explains why people never talk about him) said "but if Helen was raped by violence and illegally assaulted and unjustly insulted, it is clear that the raper, as the insulter, did the wronging, and the raped, as the insulted, did the suffering." ... Well, that's interesting.

I mean sure, we can EVEN still think that somehow she was seduced or whatever, but then in the Iliad, when Aphrodite tells her to go and comfort Paris, she refuses and fights with her. Helen literally fought with a goddess, explaining that she did not want to go with Paris.

But Aphrodite is a goddess, you cannot question the will of the gods, they're GODS for a reason. So she goes in the end, with fear.

(We even have... Whatever the hell Euripides' tragedies where. Since according to him, Helen was never in Troy, instead it was an ilussion made by Aphrodite, the real Helen was in Egypt. psjdksjfkd what. I kind of like it tbh, it's fun. But since Helen says in the Iliad that she's been 20 years in Troy already, that version just doesn't feel right. ANYWAYS-)

... Wait, 20 years? Why does that sound familiar? Ah, right, the other member of this essay. Odysseus.

Helen was kept against her will in Troy for 20 years, just like Odysseus was away from Ithaka for 20 years. Dude !!

I'll go with Calypso first since people defend her less than Circe (kind of) SO, you know the deal with translators acting as anything except translations? I believe that might have been the problem, at least in English, I don't recall an Spanish translation saying that he stayed with her for 7 years because he wanted too, lmao.

I myself haven't reach that far in my degree to translate the Odyssey nor the Iliad, but I still have copies of them in the original Greek. So you see, there's some small things that I have enough level to understand and translate by myself and realize how blind we all are.

Did he want to?

You know the whole deal with people not giving words from other languages the proper definition? In this passage of the Odyssey, the word used when saying that Odysseus "slept" with Calypso was anágke (ἀνάγκῃ). Which means, HEAR ME OUT, force, it means FORCE. And this next thing is more me being risky because as I said, I'm not that far in terms of translation levels, but in the text, it's in dative, the dative is used, in a simple definition, for denote the person or object affected.

He stayed with Calypso BY FORCE !! Shock. Wow. And I mean, he literally cries everyday because his only way to cope with the fact that he's trapped is by thinking about Penelope and Ithaka while crying looking at the sea. How can you see him staying willingly being like that? And the "he just left because he got tired of her" ... So you're saying that (trying to have the most mysognistic way of thinking ever) he got tired of an inmortal gorgeous nymph who would not age? You're telling me he preferred to leave, even if it was risky, than staying in an island that was considered a paradise? Yeah, no, sorry, not buying it. HIS ASS DID NOT WANT TO BE THERE, just like how Helen did not want to be in Troy. Move on. And now and quickly because the more I talk about this topic the more tired I grow out of Circe...

Odysseus just... Never says that he wants to? That he's fine with it? He literally just saw a sorceress trap his men and planning on killing them, so what was he gonna do against that? Hermes to the rescue... More or less ! He pretty much just told him to obey what he was told to, and that if he wanted to save his men from Circe, he had to do what she asked him too, after making her swear she wasn't gonna hurt them. So what gives, you're told BY THE GODS that you have to stay there for a little while if you want to keep your men safe and convince Circe of showing you your way out of the island.

Remember? Helen did what Aphrodite told her to because you can't question the will of the gods, same goes with Odysseus and Hermes. You do what they tell you to do because they're gods... And, I mean, Circe is Helios' daughter. Do you really think you could hurt the daughter of the Sun and move away with it? No. Just look at what happened with the cows !

And now, a nice similarity to end this.

In the Odyssey, it is clearly stated that Menelaus and Helen are FINE. They still love and care for eachother, they're still husband and wife. If you truly believe Menelaus didn't believe Helen... Then read the Odyssey?

20 years appart they were, following what Helen said in the Iliad, just how Penelope and Odysseus were 20 years appart and they still loved eachother and recognized their tricks despite the time.

Both Helen and Odysseus were trapped by people who had power over them, they couldn't do anything to be freed from them unless the will of the gods stated otherwise.

So, if after this you keep believing that Helen didn't love Menelaus anymore and that she's the culprit of the Trojan War; and that Odysseus didn't care for Penelope at all and he stayed with Circe and Calypso because he wanted too... Maybe you should start wearing glasses, since apparently you can't read well?

[toast-crumb]

How do I lucid dream tonight

omg hii i love the question !! sorry in advance but this may be long bc i LOVE talking about lucid dreaming and helping others <33

Firstly, if you’re familiar with lucid dreaming and have been practicing for awhile, then I recommend to just simply affirm “I am going to be aware that I am dreaming/ I will lucid dream tonight”, every single time I’ve done it, it worked.

Or you can do the “Wake Back To Bed (WBTB) Technique” which is where you set an alarm for about 4 or 5 hours after you’ve gone to bed. Your alarm goes off and you stay awake for about 30 minutes (or less, whatever u prefer bc i’ve went back to sleep immediately and still LD’d but it’s different for everyone !) and do something relaxing like reading a book, (i’d also recommend you stay off your phone during this time since blue light can make you take longer to go to sleep) and affirm before going back to sleep “I will be aware that I am dreaming/ I will lucid dream”

However, if you’re not as experienced with lucid dreaming- I can’t promise you you’ll do it tonight. It’s important to remember that this takes a lot of patience. Granted, it happens by accident for a lot of people! But if you want it to be a more frequent thing, you’ll need to take the time to get into habits so you can successfully be lucid while dreaming. Think of it like riding a bike. You may not get it right away, but once you do it’s so easy (and so fun!!)

The first step would be to start a Dream Journal✨ Dream journals come in handy when it comes to dream recall, which may help when recognizing when you’re dreaming! It’s best to try and write down your dreams as soon as you wake up, make sure to write in the present tense, include sensory details, emotions, etc.. AND DONT FORGET YOUR AFFIRMATIONS !! “I will remember the details of my dream”

And on the subject of recognizing when you’re dreaming: do reality checks throughout your day !! Thinking about how tired you are? Reality check. Thinking about what time you’re gonna go to bed? Reality check. Thinking about lucid dreaming???? That’s right: reality check.

This can also be done with anything else like “every time I walk into a room I’ll do a reality check” The more you do it, the more likely you’ll remember to do it in your dream.

And now: Different Ways To Do A Reality Check

My personal favorite, because it is easy, quick, and subtle: Pinching my nose so I can’t breathe through it. When I do this and find I cannot breathe, I tell myself, “I can’t breathe, which means I am not dreaming.” Because in your dream, you will be able to breathe. I’ve done this to become lucid twice now.

Another one is by checking your hands/counting your fingers. In your dreams, your hands are probably gonna look dramatically different from your awake hands, and you may not have all your fingers.

Third of all, take a good look at where you’re at, what your surroundings look like, and try closing your eyes and take a moment for yourself- now open your eyes again. Is everything the same? Has the setting/time changed at all? If not, you’re awake. If so, Congrats! You’re dreaming.

That’s all I have for now, if there’s anything that I didn’t answer properly or you wanna know more PLEASE don’t hesitate to ask <33 AND REMEMBER: You are 100% safe in your dreams, You are in control!! You can literally do whatever you want at just a snap of your fingers !!

Happy Dreaming ! 🫶🏻✨

[purpleponder]

Hi purple. Sliding into your inbox once again. I just finished rewatching the entirety of kj and I think I need to sit down. Every single emotion I have ever felt back in 2017 is coming in full force like a slap to the face with a wet fish. Yes I mean ep51 specifically. I cannot. I cannot. I CANNOT. 7 YEARS LATER AND IM STILL OBSESSED WITH HOW MUCH JOKER AND HACHI CARE ABOUT EACH OTHER 😭😭 FOUND FAMILY BEFORE I EVEN KNEW WHAT WAS FOUND FAMILY 😭😭😭😭

THE TWO OF THEM MAKE ME SO ILL.... It's been years since I saw the scene again so now I'm looking through every line with fresh eyes and I and I and I 😭😭😭😭😭 I FORGOT HACHI RUSHES IN TO SAVE JOKER FIRST 😭😭😭 I FORGOT THE CALLBAVK TO EP1 I FORGOT HOW JOKER LITERALLY SPENDS HACHIS LAST MOMENTS TELLING HIM ABOUT ALL THE THINGS THEYLL DO AFTER THIS 😭😭😭😭 I FUXKING FORGOT "I COULDN'T MAKE A MIRACLE HAPPEN"................

I'm so normal about this I swear. I already went insane on my own post about this but I'm still not fucking over it. He couldn't make a miracle happen. Kaitou fucking joker. The fucking miracle maker. HE COULDN'T MAKE IT HAPPEN! HIS OWN FUCKING APPRENTICE! HIS LITTLE BROTHER! BLEEDING OUT IN HIS ARMS!!! A BULLET WENT THROUGH HIS FUCKING HEART AND HES HOLDING HIM TIGHT AND HE COULDNT DO ANYTHING TO SAVE HIM!!!!!!!!!!! THATS SO FUCKED UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did his mind just go blank? Was he actually out of trump cards? Who the fuck knows! All he fucking knows is that hachi just took a fucking bullet tot the chest and now there's blood all over his fucking hands!!! What the fuck was he supposed to do!!!!!

(Hi purple. I'm so normal about this you can tell. It's midnight and I'm evidently supposed to be asleep. Enjoy your day. It's 2024 and I'm still analysing the same damn episode I obsessed over as an 11 year old. )

Oh dude I haven’t watched the series in it’s entirety in FOREVER but you’re so fucking right about that episode. The fact that Joker had to watch someone, that was essentially his little brother, die in his arms as he could do nothing but watch because he actually fucking failed. He literally lost the will to do anything other than grieve his loss because he couldn’t do fucking more to save someone—like, I am also absolutely normal about this even if I haven’t watched it in years…

I bet he actually blanked when Spade warned them, like he was hurt and tired and Hachi just moved on fucking instinct. 12 year old me was not ready emotionally and you are so right to be so normal rn 😭. The horror on their faces when they realized what happened, when Joker slowly turned to see Hachi’s body, he probably wished he could’ve done more in that moment…

God now I gotta watch that episode again…

(Also don’t mind me that I saw this ask last night but I was just eepy :), now I can’t english properly and am only running on memories and emotions that I can recall but you are so so fucking right about that episode. Probably what introduced into angst or hurt/comfort now that I think about it…)

[honeybearspeach]

Dear

Jonginnie,

To be honest, my heart is impatient as I type this. I feel like a mother, worrying for her child, and I'm younger than you, imagine!

At first, I was of the opinion that you should enlist fast, with the thought that in doing so you will come back to me faster. To be honest, now, I just want to stay with you forever. It was a sudden overwhelming feeling of anxious thoughts I suppose. Jonginnie, my heart is not ready to let you go, but I am certain it will never be prepared enough.

Probably, two years later, I will read this and remember how much you cried on your Instagram live, and how I took a break from my job to cry with you in the washroom of my office. That was a lot of crying for someone who claims they don't cry; no I'm not talking about myself when I say this. Although, I'm glad, and I feel honored that you trust us enough to show us your vulnerable side. I cannot even imagine your frustration when you received the sudden news. I just felt sorry for you, for me, for EXO and us.

Believe it or not, I always knew that you're the member that I will worry about the most because of how sensitive you are.

I have so many thoughts I want to put down, but I don't even know where to begin.

Actually, after the aKaive live, I came back home and I thought a lot about what I know about the person Kim Jongin. I realized I have lived learning a lot from you. My sweet Jonginnie, sometimes I wonder; how do you still maintain your child-like innocence, when you've experienced so many harsh realities of the world?

Kim Jongin who lived diligently for 20 years, I cannot be more proud of the person you have become. You embody such a perfect balance of personality and stage presence that it's hard to not fall in love. I most especially admire your passion for your art. You are a perfect example of practice makes perfect. You're so hardworking and diligent, I remember you saying "practice until it's still fun, not until you get tired." While other idols looked to sneak out of the practice room, my Nini loved to sneak in at night to practice his dancing and singing. I'm still surprised at how you managed to not get in trouble for that. But that's what makes Jongin, Kai isn't it? I've had the pleasure of seeing you perform live, and it is undoubtedly one of the best performances I've had the pleasure of experiencing. On the same note, why are you such a perfectionist? It makes me go crazy when you get frustrated over tiny things when it comes to your performance. I can recall all the times you've cried in ments over a misstep or a mistake. It just makes the performance more unique my Nini. While thinking about this, its making me worry. Please promise me you won't stress about tiny things in the military Jongin ah.

Of all the things, my favourite characteristic about you is your benevolence, selflessness, genuine character, and empathy. It makes me want to wrap you in a baby blue blanket and protect you from the world. You have such a befitting name, Jongin, which means to "spread kindness."

My precious Jonginnie whose heart is always full of warmth, and who cares about everyone and everything around him. I could see the love you have in interaction with your family. Taking care of your mom and sisters, playing with Rahee and Raeon (Kaichun is the best), and let's not forget Monggu, Jjangah and Jjangu. You are not one to always show your love through words but your emotions speak through your actions. There is a thousand examples I can give, but one comes effortlessly to my mind. It is of the time when you would carry Junmyeon on your back up and down the stairs of the practice room when he had injured himself.

As a fan I can always feel your love when you tease and make fun of us, or when you take extra efforts to communicate with us, be it threatening the company for aKAIve, sharing pictures of your vacation on creating challenges (like the one where you ranked the bear fanarts some 8 years ago and presented awards) on EXO-L app, making vlogs or doing Instagram lives and most importantly your silly bubble messages.

What's beautiful is how this extends towards not just your loved ones but everyone in general. One instance I can think of is when the Big Issue magazine where you worked for free because 50% of the profit went to the homeless vendors. I absolutely love that you believe in the greater good and live by your father's principle of "being human above all."

Jonginnie who has the most love to give, I hope you will protect that generous heart of yours the most while we are apart.

How did you grow up so much? I remember your highschool graduation, now I'm sending you off to military. One day you're on knowing brother saying panty oppa, and the next moment you're a variety show king with a blue dragon award? I remember the days when you would burn toasts and spill coffee in electric sockets, but now you're having cooking competitions with Kyungsoo? That reminds me, I've not heard positive reviews about the food in military, so don't be a picky eater there. Have 3 meals a day, besides, it's just for the first few weeks, then you can have your favorite meals at home.

Today, as you take a turn around the corner, there is a new, different world that awaits you. Take utmost care of yourself Jongin ah. I want my Jongin back exactly as I am sending you.

I want to assure you, that even if everything changes; at the end of the two years, you will see me waiting for you.

My clumsy jongin ah, I hope you don't break things there, don't mess with electrical appliances, don't leave your phone unattended, don't forget your apple ID, actually, just get a Samsung please.

My shy Jonginnie, please make a lot of new friends in the army. On the weekends, don't forget to eat chicken. Take this opportunity to go out with friends more. Go dance in the studio, maybe pick up ballet again. Oh, and build lego, do things that will make you happy, okay?

You said I should make my dream come true, but my dream is vague and very far away. So instead, I promise to work hard towards it until you come back. It's crazy to think I will already be working somewhere for two years when you come back. Time will fly, hopefully.

Six hundred and forty days seem like a lot, and they are, speaking from past experiences. Can't you just teleport us all ahead in time?

No matter how much of a Rover you pretend to be, I hope you don't feel Blue. Come back soon to perform for me.

Until I see you again, take care and serve with pride, my Pride.

Love,

H

[namelesschurch]

Weekly notes 6/30/2023:

Lev: Been testing Impose with the assistance of Sylph. Results have not been promising; admittedly, seeing her fail makes me feel a little relieved. The moment Lev starts really finding a direction in earnest is likely the moment she'll probably be getting into a lot of danger. I haven't really mentioned Crow to her, though she'll probably be reappearing in the next week...I should probably warn her.

Chi: Still do not get her unusual drive for school. Why school specifically? She does not seem to understand her own reasons or just doesn't want to tell me. I'm hoping school doesn't disappoint her...

Kris: His godhood is unusual in the sense that he retains his human characteristics. Usually, gods embody a concept such as rage or order - etc - and are usually engulfed by it. Just goes to show that the multiverse makes things different.

He however can still get bored, tired, listless, etc. Not sure what I have to offer - other than letting him go ham here. And though he does enjoy hanging out with Chi and Lev, it's probably not -fulfilling- he mentioned he likes to feel useful - probably to feel like his extraordinary powers - and potential suffering to get it- had purpose. I mean, I guess letting him deal with crime here would be useful - even if he's restricted by the World Boundary here, he still has the experience and technically can't die for real. It's not like this is the world I knew anymore, and the circumstances that led to the first timeline imploding are not present anymore.

Stupid Radiance. Stupid Dream.

Madison Ruarc (note the name change): He seems to be doing better after encountering two annoying bits of anonymous magic, which is concerning. Is he being targeted because he is an angel or is it something else entirely? The second one seems to be particularly ill-intended/problematic requiring someone else that I cannot recall off the top of my head to partially halt the effects.

He is currently living with some sort of entity known as Sarandiel - or at least was in the same room at one point - they seem non-hostile. What is of concern is that it does not seem that Mads may have his place of work anymore, which he seems to derive happiness and comfort from. He also doesn't like being off-world so-to-speak. Maybe create something that doesn't really require a time requirement here - like an animal shelter here with his assistance welcome as needed?

Chi seems to have already attracted another dog to the Inn on her walk with Lev. So we now have a chicken, 2 ducks, 2 dogs, and two cats (even if one of them is a ghost).

Random note, I am just going to admit this in the privacy of my own head.

I think it is an utter shame Gotham did not employ the Nameless City's stance on dog killers.

Erna: Met one of her friends online, Tataru. From the sound of it, considerations would likely have to be modified since it sounds like there's someone on it. As expected Scions is a close-knit group. Learning Erna having the capability to fight the equivalent of gods in her world is also surprising. Seems to be straining herself in regard to her comatose friends though if convo with Crowley is any indicator.

Crowley: Continues to deal with the hivemind algae thing. Lack of online presence is likely secondary to that. Her plan is interesting in that there's a way to somehow restrict said algae thing to make it seem like it is an ordinary, if probably toxic (red algae blooms?) algae. Makes me wonder how many supernatural things are being hidden in plain sight.

Hermes / saintworks: Still not sure how the "Datalight" went past the World Boundary, still theorizing. He is currently finding a new planet? to inhabit. What's left of his company after the attack seems to be a whole bunch of misfits and malcontents that are working together for the mutual sake of survival and potential new business.

Not quite sure how to approach, given Datalight for some odd reason passes through the World Boundary for no reason. The whole "don't want to draw attention until I figure out what's going on" to the "I can't figure out this person who bounces between rational and guns-glazing" to the whole "cross between AI and human body with some sort of very high-level technology that can pass as magic in any other world.

At least his cafeteria sounds decent. And they have food and housing. Safety, not so much.

Bruce / something-in-the-wayne: Upon my review of the dashboard later at night, he suddenly got very serious when talking to a kid that seemed like she was self-destructing and apparently entering into a dangerous situation. Probably because he's a father himself.

Other than that, not much changes other than some interesting advice from his own perspective as starting out with his inherited company. Which is useful. Unions could be used as a means to deal with annoying shareholders - the problem is I don't have any shareholders for them to deal with. Still cross-training is an interesting concept. No one really aspires to be a grocer after all. I can believe Farmer, but...grocer...Anyway.

And apparently he started using Grindr? again?

Not much happening on his front.

Nata: She seems to be healing from the wound she received (cracked horn) from Damara. And whatever aches and pains she's been feeling - perhaps just from a strenuous day - it seems that even deity / near-deities can still have aches and pains, though Kris also does prove that. Seems like Hermes can port things to her world too. She seems to be doing fine hopefully.

She does singing, which is interesting, though it does not seem like often enough - and the act itself has a special meaning to her.

Yugi: Introductions with Sarandiel have revealed some more of his hobbies, though the favoring of analog games over video games is expected. Seems to be more of a social creature, willing to do more things outside of his comfort level, if his friends are around. Friendship seems to be a big thing with Yugi - companionship and all that. This is assumed to be the main Yugi and not the other Yugi.

Clarification on the "Island Sinking." - so Yugi is not as dangerous as Lev made out. Lev made me believe that Yugi summoned a monster in a duel that accidentally took out the island with it - either that or this was just her exaggerating, which is likely.

Siege - strikingskeletonsiege - Backtracking on the dashboard - was likely one of the sources for Chi picking up the Flesh Suit thing. Also of note, Siege knows Nata - at least assumed given how he commented how Nata gets really stupid anons. He has a very lively personality as seen in his introductions with other people.

----

Lex Luthor - Earth-3 :: An interesting note that Lex has dill-emma's father's phone number - and used it to make sure dill-emma would be retrieved safely from a Joker (clowningachievement). Not much to report on this front though beyond that. He does note himself to be primarily doing meta-gene research and biology? except the way it was put like there's a supernatural element to it.

Lee (ultra-rage) - Well, his username matches his demeanor to say the least. Sounds like Lex really has a handful with him - sounds like that Ultraman (father?) really made a very bad impact on him. Superpowers and being easily provoked are not a good combination unfortunately.

Provocation seems to primarily stem from the feeling of being mocked? Or pointlessness. There's just a lot of disproportionate aggravation with his interactions involving dill-emma.

Has a soft side with Dove. Guess every lid has its pot.

Nightwing - slightlylessdarkknights - Haven't interacted much beyond the initial encounter. Seems to share a universe with thedarkestknight? and maybe kalkalicious? The times he is on, I suspect he is on patrol in the city as a superhero. Has an interesting mindset when at work - that everyone can be redeemed, and I'm assuming he is someone who will not kill another criminal.

His post (assuming again about dill-emma who is the inciting force of this week) is likely referencing her about how he cannot stand being drowned out by someone else. He doesn't like people who don't listen.

Ember and Jack - emberoops and cyberneticlagomorph - Linked due to the interaction. It is interesting that Ember works for Jack in some sort of "desk?" job. And that Ember gets PTO for an unspecified surgical procedure - or maybe it was specified and I missed it. But apparently he can divide into multiple bodies with a shared? consciousness - does having one part work and three part recreation memories lower the strain due to the proportion or amount of time lived?

As for Jack, apparently a somewhat lax boss who gives decent PTO. The kids are interesting, especially Egg who seems to be like in the terrible twos stage or something but perpetually. Jack is managing though. His world is especially interesting too - the Moon producing milk? Talk of fae, etc.

--

Miscellaneous: I'd been under the impression that Grindr is a branch of the Tinder dating website. I am technically correct. It is a dating site, but it is one that caters to the LGBTQ+ community. This explains Bruce's, while maintaining some level of jovial, somewhat taunting / somewhat "shame on you" posts.

[truffleandspice]

Venting! About Lab.

Oh my god. Lord KNOWS I am SO, SO SICK AND TIRED of meeting shitty, sexist people in the scientific field. Granted, things were worse in the past--more sexual assault, public (and private) humiliation, sexual and other harassment, bullying, threats, etc. compared to today (at least, one would hope...). But for some reason, I cannot escape bad people in science, specifically in my lab environments.

We have a "postdoc" who is not really a postdoc. He never finished his PhD--he finished his projects, but he neither finished writing his thesis nor did he defend it. He's in some in-between state of lab manager, lab tech, and postdoc. Strictly speaking, his highest educational degree is still his college degree. Also...I'm pretty sure he has a strong case of what, some time ago, would have been called Asperger syndrome, but this term is not as popular with the medical community nowadays due to its history and associations. Nowadays, we would call it an autism spectrum disorder.

You can tell very quickly upon meeting this guy that he's on the spectrum, but what gets me is the mild undercurrent of sexism combined with his continued negativity towards me in both scientific and casual domains.

Regarding the sexism, it'll be random comments which have nothing to do with the experiment or conversation, but just a dig. For example, he has shown us that nail polish is good to use to mark different types of electronic devices for our experiments. He was showing me where he was marking a device when, unrelated to the task, he said "yeah, you ladies who use nail polish each day". I showed him my natural, un-polished nails and said that I wasn't wearing nail polish and that I don't use it each day.

That's the one comment he's said outright that I can recall, although there's a prolific and tonally-weird use of the term "ladies" (the only students in the lab are me, a female, and another female).

But the other stuff that ties into this sexism is how negative he was towards me in the lab...he is so incredibly condescending it's insane. I've experienced horrible treatment (well, abuse) at home and in various labs (yeah, stuff that when I talked about it, it was reported to the institution), and this time I have a wonderful, trustworthy PI. But I don't want to take small things to him. I've learned to try and tiptoe around peoples' bad moods and poor attitudes, esp. if it doesn't interfere with my work. And lately, I've had the gumption to address behavior that crosses what I believe is a reasonable line, and so far my PI agrees with where I've placed this line. But there are some small things you just get so angry about, you just need to write and vent without getting anyone involved. That's how I felt about today.

Overall, I had a pretty solid day. I was able to demonstrate my knowledge and ideas for a novel experiment I'm really interested in during a meeting with collaborators, and the collaborator whose work intertwines with mine seemed legitimately very impressed with my knowledge, summarization of a recent and important paper, and take on the data. My PI is very consistently noting that he really likes and is interested in my project and is genuinely happy and satisfied with everything I've written so far. He even suggested that the work I'm interested in doing is important to the field and will greatly expand it (fingers crossed, I truly wish this would happen...especially with how disappointing all my [extreme] hard work in the past at the direction of abusive/misguided people has been {college specifically, that PI hasn't published in years}).

But before I could get to that idea, this guy was SO negative. I probably suggested about 40 experiments and he downed all of them. Never provided a paper to help me, despite the fact that other lab members at the time (including the PI) all gave me papers, discussed ideas in a constructive fashion, and demonstrated genuine interest in helping (I even have written evidence of this for all of those lab members).

Oh, and he completely dug into me one day, a few months back, in another hint-of-sexism manner. He claimed that I used the phrase "you know" at the end of a sentence at least 30 times...but I hadn't spoken even close to 30 sentences. And he went on a long monologue about how it made clear that I didn't know anything and was hiding it (the other grad student vehemently disagreed and was shocked by the situation...she defended me and my knowledge quite a bit, but he basically ignored her and continued digging), and brought a book and started asking me about minutiae/random facts that, according to the older grad student, were not even relevant to our field. He even admitted that if I didn't know about a certain model he named, then the lab had made a mistake in their training of me, and I had never heard of the model before (turns out I knew it but didn't know it was called a certain name). I said as much and he, of course, ignored that and continued to try and prove his point that I knew nothing. He also brought up my absences that week (which had been cleared by the lab members just before this conversation, and he mentioned to me multiple times that the lab didn't need to know when I was coming, going, or absent, because I was a grad student and an adult...) and was insinuating that I wasn't coming to lab enough.

Obviously, I took all of this to the PI, who apparently roasted him for it because he ate his words in a later conversation (which was iconic bc a member of his previous lab was visiting and as soon as he saw the "postdoc", asked him whether he defended his thesis yet). But it shouldn't have happened in the first place...and is an ongoing pattern of unproductive humiliation I've experienced by, consistently, sexist men and women (other incidents strongly highlighted their sexism) from high school through now. It just never ends. And finally I have a PI who has my back, but that's not gonna stop this fucker from finding other ways, literally any way he can, to be condescending.

This brings me to today. Our PI's father died recently, so the older grad student had the kind idea of giving him a framed picture of his father and some chocolates (our PI loves sweets but insists we eat sweets instead of him...she wanted him to have something for himself). I printed out the picture (as requested by the "postdoc", since I had previously mentioned I had photo paper and a printer) and bought the chocolates (fancy hand-painted alcohol-infused chocolates I got for a decent deal and were certainly an excellent gift). They got a frame from Target or HomeGoods, and certainly spent far less money than I did, but this was for our PI and I really didn't care at the time. But the "postdoc" immediately commented that the chocolates looked like lipsticks (they don't and were marketed as a masculine gift...), and I had to neutrally defend that. Well, when we went to give our PI the gift, he claimed he didn't want to make any speech or say anything, but as soon as our PI saw the chocolates (he loved them), the "postdoc" said that they were lipsticks. Okay...whatever. Our PI was nearly tearing up at the gifts and kept thanking us, and I had never seen him so emotional. Overall, it was a job well done, and my annoyance at the lipstick comment was only very mild at the time...it didn't stay on my mind too much throughout the rest of the day.

Oh, and small other note about the gift before moving on. I actually ordered a couple different beautiful frames when we first discussed getting a gift for our PI, and mentioned that "I ordered frames" to the "postdoc" when we had this discussion. Then, I mentioned that they were a great price and looked very nice (not in a self-righteous way, but as a quiet follow-up). And he immediately said "okay that's not relevant". Coming from the guy who cannot stop fucking talking once he starts and says the most uninteresting shit imaginable. And if you mention your own interests in a conversation, he immediately walks away, or negs them. E.g. I mentioned a list of restaurants I was interested in going to during a conference, and he said "you know we're not here to eat, we're here for the conference". That made me snap in a very professional manner (bc this is the kind of bs I used to hear at home) and I pretty sharply said that mealtimes are separate from conference times and a necessity, so if someone wants to eat something specific during those times, it's within their rights and not interfering with the conference. He shut up after that.

Well, before I left, I wondered whether I could get a ring light for my desk. I had a Zoom meeting late in the afternoon and you could barely see my face. The last time I needed to order something, the "postdoc" did the order, so I was under the impression that I needed to ask him about the order. He first asked (very condescendingly, but this was my fault) if the overhead lights were on in the room (they were, but my fault he asked bc I said that the only extra light coming in was through the window, without mentioning directly the overhead lights). Then he started looking but said a few times "I'm not going to say how I feel about this". He did this before when I had a powerpoint of potential experiments and asked for his feedback and claimed it looked like something someone from college would do (I...I am just starting my PhD? What else do you expect?). Anyway he sent me a link but was overall just so, so condescending during that interaction and I am SO sick of him. SO FUCKING SICK OF HIS FUCKING ASININE BULLSHIT. He's just such a horrible person and he's not even the worst person I've met in science or in my life, but just plain horrible. He's like some sort of sticky adhesive which just gets everywhere and clings onto everything it possibly can, causing problems for absolutely no valid reason aside from that being his nature. I wish he would get what he deserves for this immature, problematic, and lab-environment-wise destructive behavior.

Oh, and he hates our PI and literally yelled at him in front of all of us once :) Over an issue where it was not necessary at all :) Yeah, fuck this guy.

[kopivie]

big ol' rant btc. tw for eating and food-related complications. mentions weight, numbers, clothing sizes, etc. possibly an eating disorder? though i don't see it as such.

tl;dr: i'm just... tired. that's all i can ever tell anybody these days because it's true, whether i want it to be or not. i'm so, so tired.

y'know, i often think that i'm doing okay in regards to eating, but then i have moments like i did two hours ago where my body forces itself to shut down because i am simply malnourished. it's not like i'm putting off eating intentionally, nor am i avoiding eating for extended periods of time (days specifically). it's just that my stomach is incredibly small and can be easily filled with one hot cup of coffee and a few bottles of water per day.

i do my best to eat high protein foods at least once a day so i don't shut myself off and actually go long stretches of time without food, especially since i work in such a busy space. but when my stomach is very sensitive and can't even expand much more beyond a few bites of half of a sandwich (i.e.: the bacon egg and cheese that was sacrificed in my attempt to eat this morning), i don't have much of a choice but to stay away from food since being over full can make anyone, not just myself, feel bad.

so basically, even though i had.. maybe four bites of one half of that sandwich at around 11:30 this morning, i still came home at around 5 pm today exhausted and freezing, and i had to force myself to nap under layers of blankets at 7 pm due to the sheer lack of energy in my system. i woke up at 9 pm, and now i'm trying to eat once again (baked ziti with lots of meat sauce because again, lots of protein). i'm getting super bummed though because i'm... not making much of a dent again. i can't finish all this, even if i sat here all night. i even woke up exhausted and still had the urge to sleep.

i was under the impression that i was fine because i recall eating four chicken wings yesterday as well as some ice cream, but as i realize that i cannot remember exactly what time i ate those things, the current state of my body starts to make more sense. all in all, i don't know what else to do. i think i'm on my tenth bite of ziti, but it's probably just going to get covered up and put in the fridge because i just... cannot eat. i want to, and trust me when i say i love food and the act of eating brings me joy, but i just... can't. not when my stomach is the size of a pea.

to add insult to injury, i'm getting worse at hiding the state of my body from others. in the past i was able to ignore my dizziness and fainting spells from my bosses and parents, but everyone is so observant at my job now. i actually have a little circle of mothers who ask me if i've eaten. i wear a company jacket or layer up, and if i so much as yawn or shiver around them, they glare at me and ask me if i've eaten/if they need to buy me lunch during our breaks even if they don't align. i refused some tiny waffles at the meeting earlier today and my coworker turned around and stared daggers into my face. i had to avoid eye contact and pretend to do something else for a long time.

...anyway.

i think i've eaten my fill of this ziti. whenever i eat these days, i become horribly sleepy. fortunately this only happens when i'm at home since i regulate how much i eat (and if i eat at all) when i'm at work on my breaks, but i'm disappointed in myself. i need to make food that i'm guaranteed to eat, but i never have the energy to do so. i'm always in bed doing nothing because i simply cannot exert any more energy outside of what i can muster for work. i don't know what to do, i'm disappointing and concerning the people around me, and the worst part is that i enjoy the results.

not the dizziness of course, but the fact that i am as thin as i have always wanted to be. i'm not underweight -- far from it, actually. i've never left the realm of ~120 lbs (54 kg), which is average for my height. the only time i did raise some red flags was when i was 115 lbs (~52 kg) last summer, and i was wearing my belts tightly despite dropping my pants sizes to a 4 from an 8. i'm comfortably at around a 6 or so now (i think), and i wear small sizes with ease (and baggy mediums if i'm careful).

(i say this, but i could be wrong about how i look to others. my coworkers have repeatedly taken note of the fact that i have lost weight, or that i'm super thin, or that i could fit the large children's sizes that we have in stock with varying degrees of jealousy.)

i'm not concerningly thin. i would know -- i've been that way before, even if my actual weight wasn't enough to warrant a psych ward visit. genetically, i'm doomed to be an american's worst nightmare, but i'm just... not. i did have a period of time when i took medication that caused me to gain weight, but i suddenly started pushing overweight territory, so i immediately backed off of it for my mental health. right now i feel i'm at a balance where i can be seen as healthy. it's just that i don't feel that way.

basically...

i regularly complain of being freezing in typically warm environments (accompanied by regular shivers and ice-cold hands)

when i say i'm tired, others mention that my eyes are barely open, i'm stumbling about/look unsteady on my feet, and my speech is slower than normal

i literally cannot move when i absolutely need to. like right now, i need to cover up my food and put it away but i just.. cannot move. i can't even bring myself to drink something. it's not executive dysfunction -- lord knows that i know what that feel like -- so i dunno what this is.

just... i dunno. i don't even eat ice cream or mac and cheese anymore because i feel like i can't enjoy it. and those are my favorite foods ever. i dunno, man.

[blue-opossum]

Unlocking Dream Meanings ("Tornadopillar" and 4 More)

        Unlocking Dream Meanings ("Tornadopillar" and 4 More)

        Saturday morning, 3 April 1982.

        3 minutes and 10 seconds to read.

        REM atonia is the temporary paralysis of most muscles during REM sleep, which prevents us from acting out our dreams (or having real-world mobility). This attribute is a natural, predictable, and predominant intuitive influence of dream content. (I would have to be empty-headed to believe otherwise.) It is NOT a reference to the folklore and asinine superstitions about "sleep paralysis" - as such mindless propaganda infers it only occurs when one is consciously aware of it.

        The vestibular system is the part of the inner ear and brain that helps you maintain balance and sense motion. It is also involved in generating eye movements during REM sleep. When you wake up from REM sleep, your vestibular system may still be influenced by dream imagery and sensations, and (depending on sensitivity to hallucinatory kinesthesia) cause you to feel dizzy, disoriented, or vertiginous. This attribute may explain why tornadoes, which are powerful rotating winds that can cause destruction and displacement, are common features in dreams that (physiologically) reflect vestibular system activity.

        The following five dreams present intuitive awareness of REM atonia through motifs such as a caterpillar in a cocoon, kittens sleeping on a blanket (literal correlation), and entering a narrow alley bordered by tall buildings (emerging awareness of restricted mobility).

        1) 3 April 1982. After running with many other people from what is supposedly a tornado, there is a sudden loud screech. I look back to see an enormous caterpillar in a cocoon (instead of a tornado) attached to a tall building. There is no threat (and never was). Here, there is a probable "Mothra" influence. I vaguely recall hearing the screeching tires of a real-world car during my sleep. This factor initiated intuitive awareness that the tornado was imaginary and thus the transformation into the REM atonia motif while I was still in the dream state. Because the giant caterpillar was vertically oriented, there may have been an association with the word "pillar" - as pillars have also sometimes appeared as REM atonia recognition (though statues occur every sleep cycle). This outcome contrasts with the motif of a statue beginning to move as a recurring intuitive awareness of anticipating waking up to attain real-world physical mobility.

        2) 7 August 1969. I am enjoying a sunny day in the backyard under a blue sky. I am near the railroad tracks. Beyond them, I notice a distant tornado slowly approaching my location. I turn around and see several kittens sleeping on an old blanket over the ashes of the backyard bonfire area. "You can't die," I say. I plan to rescue them by picking them up and taking them in the opposite direction (from the tornado) into the house (on the opposite end of our big backyard). However, I wake up. "You can't die" comes from recently having heard "If I die before I wake" (on television) as part of a supposed prayer. The blanket was the one I was sleeping on in reality. An indoor-outdoor ambiguity divided my attention from being in the backyard to looking down upon the kittens in my bedroom, even though I simultaneously saw them occupying the backyard space where my parents had real-world bonfires. In other words, the absence of fire in a real-world bonfire location also corresponded with my lack of consciousness. Ultimately, my dreams have multiple layered references to the same intuitive factors of REM sleep recognition, often as many as several in correlation, but which, bizarrely, many people cannot seem to grasp.

        3) 13 September 1970. At the end of a dream, I spin a merry-go-round in the school's playground as a tornado approaches, having faith that this action will cause it to dissolve. I consider I am moving the merry-go-round in the opposite direction as the tornado.

        4) 24 November 2014. After flying to another part of La Crosse, I land near an alley as a tornado approaches. It seems to be sentient in a human sense and arcs toward me as I walk into a narrow alley, deliberately avoiding it (with lucidness in this instance). Soon, it "decides" to leave.

        5) 5 June 1999. I am riding in a car with my parents (perceiving myself as much younger) when we see a tornado behind us. My father tries to drive faster from it, but it catches up with us and lifts our car into the air. We realize we are not falling. We are floating in the sky. (Cars in my dreams usually correspond with vestibular system awareness, as do airplanes, boats, and most vehicles. Differences align with sleep dynamics and can be traced as such in almost every case, even through tens of thousands of dreams.)

[perpetual-fool]

Maybe the real abusers were the friends we made along the way. (03/06/23, 1.2k)

   That I recall, no one has actually told me (to my face) that I should kill myself. Not even channers. Nor has anyone told me that I'm a piece of shit. I've gotten "you're being [something I don't understand]" a couple of times, but never directly anything like "you are [a bad person]". So they must've been conclusions I came to naturally as a consequence of others' responses.

   It's probably no different from anything else. Say I'm trying to figure out how to cook eggs. I don't want to use nonstick pans but I don't know how to keep the eggs from sticking. First I'd just try something and observe what happens. Next I'd form some guess as to what's happening based on those observations, and then test those guesses. Ideally I'd isolate variables as much as possible and try it from opposite extremes. Say I think keeping the pan from dropping below a certain temperature would keep things from sticking. First I'd get the pan *really* hot so I can be certain it's enough, and see if that works. Then I'd try the opposite, doing everything else 'correctly' while making the pan far too cold, and see if it fails. If that all goes well, then that's one variable I understand. Finally I'll put it into practice, and if things don't go the way I expect then I start over with a new guess. Observation, analysis, testing, and application.

   And if anything isn't going how I expect, I'm wrong. They eggs can't be wrong, they just are what they are. This has never been a problem with how 'things' work or how the world works. But when considering how people work, they don't. Starting from the beginning, observation, I cannot form any coherent guess as to why they do what they do. Without fail, I run into contradictory elements.

   I am both compelled to try and explain, but also feel.. a hollow panic? from the relentless invalidation I've received every time I've tried to broach the subject with others. I've very much internalized it and I doubt my own sanity. I suspect I would be sure I was insane if the invalidation was actually, well, valid. As it is, it's not my premises or my conclusions that others invalidate. Although that's more unsettling, I think. It's like, premises: someone did a thing (which was bad), they deliberately chose to take the actions they did, and they knew what the outcome of those actions would be. Conclusion: they did the (bad) thing on purpose. And why would they do that? But the response might be something like "maybe they were tired", which has no bearing on anything I've stated. And again, I'm inclined to try and clarify further, as this too has gotten nothing but non sequitur invalidating responses. The excuses are endless. Some of them reasonable, even. Say, "they probably just ran out of time/money", or "this was their first attempt and they didn't know better yet", or "they had a brain fart and just forgot how to do it for a moment". But there isn't a single thing I've seen that doesn't need excusing. And despite bringing this up countless times no one will even acknowledge what I've said. At best people will repeat my position back to me wrong. And they will absolutely argue with me that their version of my position is correct and that my version of my position is wrong. (There was one person that at least appeared to comprehend what I was saying, but they demonstrated that that was entirely superficial the moment I started trusting them.) It doesn't make much sense that everyone else would be insane, so I'm inclined to think it must just be me. And I would probably be convinced of that if others' responses were anything more substantial than "nu-uh".

   So, I've received nothing but relentless invalidation from anyone and everyone. Not that I always saw it that way, being naive. I can't find anything wrong with my reasoning or my observations, and it doesn't make sense that everyone else would be wrong, so I must just be innately invalid.

   Although, I'm not sure why that means I should kill myself. I guess I must've internalized the alienation and abuse. I think in that how others seem to feel about a thing determines how I should feel about it. But only if it's bad, else they either don't know what they're talking about or they're lying; that sounds like it's just an irrational assumption but it isn't. The only 'praise' I've gotten has been for things that don't make sense to me or for something I wasn't doing. Lying, simply that claims don't match actions, as well as just making conflicting claims.  And any 'acceptance' has always come with a threat, demanding that I fit into some kind of role. But intuitively, without any explanation and allowing no questions or mistakes. I think this is just the natural consequence of trying to connect on those terms.

   I've been desperate for genuine understanding, which would be one way of fixing things. But gosh, it's been two decades of trying and I haven't gotten anywhere. Alternatively, maybe I could make myself immune? Not that "stop wanting the thing I'm desperate for" hasn't occurred to me, but I wasn't free to think my own thoughts before. For instance, I've noticed on my bass that notes played on the low string fluctuate substantially, making tuning and playing in tune difficult. I know it's a problem with tension/string gauge because if I tune it up a half step the problem goes away. But it's a standard size bass, with standard sized strings, in a standard tuning. So I'm wrong, the problem must not exist. But I've been practicing with my tuner, training my ear. And I can see the needle wobbling back and forth. It can be as bad as ±20 cents, but if I play too hard that can be as much as 30 cents. In contrast, the other strings fluctuate less than 5 cents, or as much as ten if I pluck hard. The tolerance of my tuner being ±1 cent. Meaning, the phenomenon objectively exists; vindication. I'm tempted to say: to be fair, maybe it's not that people deny its existence, they deny that it's a problem. But I have had people directly deny the existence of phenomena like this. I only get the "you're a piece of shit" voice when I'm trying to connect with someone or something someone has made. Maybe if I only build relationships with objects and otherwise try to stay in 'analysis' mode, then life won't be torment?