#quasartalks

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recapping some info from the first half of the stream since we’re at a break:

the title is The Magnus Protocol

two new MCs

they work for or are involved with the British Civil Service, re: bureaucracy and the tedium of a paper-pushing job

jonny said he wants this series to be "something that dives more into organizations" and is “less isolated” than MAG1

new VAs for the MCs

there will be some old voices AND some old characters: "revisiting characters in new and exciting ways"

many of the characters do not have names yet

Andor and the video game Control were name-dropped as potential inspirations / cool things

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whale weekly folks are at the squeeze of the hand chapter happy gay whaler sex saturday to all who celebrate. happy have an orgy on deck day

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TPOC-Prioritized writings on anti-transmasculinity / transandrophobia

transandrophobia / anti-transmasculinity are both theories that have been spearheaded primarily by trans poc, particularly Black transmascs and transfemmes.

unfortunately, as with Everything created by queer and trans poc, particularly Black queer ppl, white trans ppl (regardless of gender, and regardless of whether they "believe" in this form of oppression or not) have coopted these theories and dominated these conversations, such that both "sides" of the "discourse" are divorced entirely from the racial connotations in which these theories were created, and the ways in which they were created specifically as an intervention against white feminism, and to highlight the ways multiple marginalizations affect the marginalization of masculinity. these are theories that explicitly interact with and can only be understood in conjunction with transmisogyny, as well as other oppressions like racism and misogynoir.

*"anti-transmasculinity" as a term and theory was coined by Black trans folks (some of whom's writings are linked below), and is specifically a theory within the context of Black transfeminism antiBlackness, and transmisogynoir, and cannot be divorced from that context. i try be very intentional about my use of the terms 'anti-transmasculinity' and 'transandrophobia' in different places here, because i do not want to dilute the former’s very particular context.

anyway, here's a list of miscellaneous writings on the subjects, with a priority for collecting writing from trans poc (not all of the authors are tpoc, but this list was intended to prioritize tpoc voices). the intention of this is not to be a be-all end-all on the subject, nor exalt any one of these individuals or pieces as exclusively ~correct~ or whatever, but to combat the whitewashed nature of these discussions online, and raise awareness to the myriad of people speaking on this subject. (nor do i claim to speak for any of them, or claim that any of them speak for me. i tried to make sure i didn't platform blatant racists, zionists, transmisogynists, or other bigots, but i'm not pretending to be 100% accurate about that.)

they aren't in any particular order (except the first one, which i think is an extremely foundational text for anti-transmasculinity theory as delineated by its creators, within the context of antiblackness and transmisogyny, and necessary reading to understand anti-transmasculinity as a theory). I tried to group all the links from the same authors together.

This is a non-exhaustive list! I will likely come back and add more writings as I find them. please feel free to recommend to me any works to include (including your own! especially if you yourself are a Black trans person or a trans POC).

Now with an Archived Read-more Link!

Racial-Class Paternalism and the Trojan Horse of Anti-transmasculinity by Nsámbu Za Suékama. if you read nothing else from this list, read this.

“But even as TME struggles escape the mainstream imagination, they persist, and are often both fueling and being fueled by the war on trans women and transfeminine people. Nothing makes this clearer than in how a Western binary system triangulates that war with Anti-transmasculinity. This is why I say that Anti-transmasculinity is a Trojan horse for Transmisogyny. Like the wooden horse in the Greek myth, it might not seem like what it is, for its actual contents and character are invisible, but at the heart of it, there is a violent campaign going on that is key to how the West aims to lay seige to its civilizational "enemies." And, like the walls of the city of Troy, materialist transfeminism has fortified the opposition to Western domination, in such a way that to overcome the stronghold requires a new strategy for the Man, one that follows up the open and vicious attacks on TMA people with a different, more hidden form of warfare.”

“today’s gender paternalism frames any manhood and masculine embodiment outside of (western) cisheteronormativity as not just biologically illegitimate but also the result of a barbaric threat to civilization. And who typically figures as the face of that barbarism but the Black trans woman? Materialist transfeminism has to theorize Anti-transmasculinity.”

"Non-Men", maGes, and Black Masculinities by genderfugitive / disrupthehuman

One such argument, which is really a collection of arguments but can be consolidated into one, is that trans men are attempting to take a place alongside cis men in the hierarchy of patriarchy. In other words, while they may not have been so before naming themselves as trans men, they are aspiring to be oppressors. This employs a number of rhetorical devices that I have identified before including the idea that trans men are “betraying” cis womanhood and therefore should be seen as threats unless they act as footsoldiers for transmisogyny. The problem with this is that it treats trans manhoods as embodiments that exist as something which merely aspires to be cis manhood.

"For Those Seeking Fight or Flight: Black Trans*feminist Nihilism" / primer on transmisogynoir by genderfugitive / disrupthehuman (not about anti-transmaculinity specifically (though it does come up), but a very good + important read on Black transfeminism & transmisogynoir, so I'm including it)

anti-transmasculinity needs its own theorizing outside of general "transphobia" by genderfugitive / disrupthehuman

anti-transmasculinity & antiblackness inherently linked (& another) both by genderfugitive / disrupthehuman

There is a hidden epidemic of violence against transmasculine people by Orion Rodriguez

a thread master post linking to multiple threads about anti transmasculinity by Salem L. Void / thewarmvoid

a thread on anti-transmasculinity as an epistemic injustice (translated) originally by magicspeedwagon in French; English translation by Salem L. Void / thewarmvoid

Not transmasc invisibility, but erasure by Salem L. Void / thewarmvoid

Girlboy Boygirl Blues - antitransmasculinity as a denial of individual history & more by Salem L. Void / thewarmvoid

"irl we just kiss" - ‘transmasc vs transfem’ discourse & reactionary ‘boys vs girls’ politics in trans spaces by Salem L. Void / thewarmvoid

transmascs & being treated as predatory by Salem L. Void / thewarmvoid

transmasc mental health statistics by Salem L. Void / thewarmvoid

violent anti-transmasculine hate crimes by Salem L. Void / thewarmvoid

thread on examples of systemic anti-transmasculinity by magicspeedwagon

a thread on anti-transmasculinity and its erasure by storyjunkie

anti transmasculinity & transmisogyny and the degendering of Black people by afrodykee

anti transmasculinity & transmisogyny cannot be theorized in opposition to each other by afrodykee

white transfeminism's anti-transmasculinity by afrodykee

Black trans people & erasure of TPOC voices from the trans community by thatspookyagent

transmasculine nonwhite expereince by thatspookyagent

trans men being silenced by thatspookyagent

queer POC being pushed out of conversations by thatspookyagent

cis women's harm to trans men by novascotioducktoller w/ addition about TMOC by thatspookyagent

medical violence in anti transmasculinity by Caleb / sethpuertoluna

example of medical anti transmasculinity by Dominick / transguyenergy

response to inclusion of a trans man in an ad (thread) by Dominick / transguyenergy

anti-transmasculinity around periods by Dominick / transguyenergy

anti-transmasculinity towards pregnant trans men by Dominick / transguyenergy

transitioning as a transmasc of color by gendercriminals

white (cis) women & racist transandrophobia by dead-lavender-society

transandrophobia as an indigenous trans man by petrichorvoices

examples of transandrophobia by transvermin

the “lost lesbian” narrative & antitransmasculinity by vaguefiend

cis women & transandrophobia by vaguefiend

intersectionality & transandrophobia by visible-schizo-spectrum

more transandrophobia from cis women by cock-holliday

tl;dr : there’s LOTS of theory and discussions out there abt anti-transmasculinity, transandrophobia, how these things relate to other forms of transphobia, how it interacts with other marginalizations, most especially race, and the ways in which it affects transmascs. this information is everywhere. it’s out there. y’all (white ppl) are just refusing to engage with it.

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hey no offense but uhhh

hey balaga ho balaga hey hey ho balaga hey hey balaga the famous troika driver hey balago ho balaga hey hey HEY balaga hey HEY balaga the famous troika driver!!!!!!!

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thoughts about jon, gender, n hair

aka i've literally wanted to write a fic centered around this concept for like over two years but. well. anyway. i still might write the fic at some point but lord knows when that'll happen so in the meantime here are my jon jarchivist headcanons centered around hair and gender, ft. my personal flavor of jon: persian, w/ a white grandmother, n amab nonbinary transneutral/transfemme

⁃ jon's hair was always kept short as a kid. short hair was for boys, his grandmother had said, and besides, she didn't have the desire nor energy to learn how to care for his thick persian curls; the shorter they were, the less tangled and unruly, the better.

⁃ jon explored some more fem/gnc presentation in college, some of which included growing out his hair. he attributed it back then more to just the fact that he was exploring his queerness (in a bi and ace sense) in general & that he spent a lot of time around georgie (also transfemme), and didn't really think about the actual gender accompanying it -- he wasn't actively thinking much about his own gender. questioning and coming to terms with his sexuality was already a lot.

⁃ but he liked the way his hair looked and felt long. he liked the quiet rebellion of it. he liked the way georgie ran her fingers through it. he liked how many different ways it could be worn long -- in ponytails and buns and braids and just loose down his back. he doesn't remember much of his mom, but he's seen in pictures her long, dark, curly hair, just like his now, and he likes the reminder.

⁃ he keeps it long after college, though upon getting hired as a researcher at the magnus institute, he has a bit of a crisis over whether or not to cut it, re: standards of white cishetero "professionalism" and decorum and masculinity, all of which he's doing his best to perform. maybe even early on in his research days he cuts it a bit and decides it makes him feel so bad (for some inexplicable reason) that he decides to just leave it long, though tidy and brushed and straightened and pulled high up into a tight bun so it looks neat and out of the way and functionally short anyway.

⁃ similar thing happens when he gets promoted to archivist. i personally like him deciding not to cut it here because i like him being allowed to keep one (1) thing, though i def understand other hc's where he does cut it short for S1 / being the archivist. he's still very much keeping it pulled up in a tight bun and out of the way, and removes anything else remotely feminine about his appearance -- earrings, more fem clothing, nailpolish, etc.

⁃ i read mossy's @coulson-is-an-avenger "shopping for gender in a british wal-mart" fic like 2.5 years ago and i still love it so much and it's still canon to me basically re: he tries a skirt Once to work at the sort of peak sweet point where he's settled in enough to feel comfortable trying to wear a skirt but not yet paranoid enough about Prentiss. sasha talks w him about gender and femininity and stuff, though he's not quite ready to confront it yet.

⁃ then prentiss/season 2 hits and he regresses again hard into self-defense mode; the performative masculinity goes Harder. his hair is still long but it's messy; thick curls and flyaway strands frizzing about his sleep deprived and paranoid face.

⁃ by the time s3 rolls around, everything else in his life has gone to shit, so mostly he's just like "fuck it" re: his presentation in general, including his gender presentation. there's also a sense of just.. "this it the one thing in my life I have control over," so he sort of starts just wearing whatever. even if he's not really acknowledging the actual gender feelings to himself. but his hair and his clothes are One thing he can control about himself, one thing the watcher can't really take away from him. so with s3-s4 it's like. yeah he feels like he's becoming less and less human and yeah he's being kidnapped once a month and yeah the world is going to end but at least he can wear a goddamn skirt.

⁃ i do think there's also an element of it too where, there's obvious anxiety and concern about him being a visibly brown and trans/gnc person in fucking London of all places, but as time goes on i do think there's a bit of like. even if i face violence for this what does it matter. i hardly leave the archives anyways, and even then, would that really be anything? in the face of everything else that's happened?

⁃ in the safehouse jon and martin (who to me is a trans man btw) talk about gender a bunch and Jon realizes they want to try using both he and they pronouns and maybe jon decides they want to do some more feminine things, want to try wearing skirts and maybe painting their nails again and martin braids flowers into their hair and things are good

⁃ and then season 5 and the apocalypse hits.

⁃ for the first little while in the safehouse jon's hair is still long. but before they leave, he cuts it, for several reasons -- first like, if keeping it long and presenting femininely was partially about control for Jon, this is them letting Go of that, of what he perceives to have just been an Illusion control. yeah it might make them a bit dysphoric but so what, my body was never mine tobegin with.

⁃ and i think he's also doing it as a mental preparation for leaving the cabin, after jon and martin have had the initial talk about eventually leaving. long hair is a liability; hair can get pulled on and tugged on when being kidnapped and grabbed at; hair can be drenched in shampoo and twisted by plastic hands; hair can be tangled and snag on the walls of a coffin; it can be full of dirt days and days later; hair is a hassle and a hazard and an illusion of control and above all it was a comfort to jon and this is no longer a world where you can trust comfort, martin.

⁃ martin walks in on jon in the bathroom staring at themself in the mirror with a pair of scissors. they ask martin to cut it for them. (martin gets a haircut too, in a show at solidarity and some levity. also undercut martin rights)

⁃ anyway, Somewhere Else Jon wears flowy dresses and grows his hair long and leaves lipstick stains on martin's face when they kiss and hikes his skirts up above his knees when they work in the garden and their hair is long and dark and thick and curly and he likes it; likes the way it looks and feels, the way martin runs his fingers through it, the way it reminds him of his mother and the way it makes him smile at the person they see standing in the mirror.

⁃ and it's good. it's really good.

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captain ahab is one of the characters of all time.

he’s full of hubris. he’s an amputee. he said he’d punch the sun. he once was in a coma for three days straight. he was prophecized to lose his leg and in response decided to make his own prophecy that he would kill the thing that did it. he would fight god. he’s in love with his first mate who he also threatened at gunpoint. he used the same gun as a cane. he tells his second mate to go fuck himself. he was sent back out to sea immediately after losing his leg without the chance to heal. he chooses to go on whalehunts instead of staying on the ship despite having no reason to as the captain, something that is doubly dangerous for him on account of the whole leg thing. he once was in a deadly swordfight with a spaniard. his method of encouraging his oarsmen is to swear at them profusely, which was censored by ishmael for the good christian audience. he spent one (1) night with his wife after marrying her and then immediately fucked back off to sea. he’s an orphan, and this is the least tragic thing about him. he’s named after an evil biblical king. his best friend is a persian stowaway who tells him how he’s going to die. he hears he’s going to die by rope and immediately assumes it’ll be the gallows, ignoring the fact that he’s on a ship full of ropes, and also being surprisingly chill with the concept of himself being sentenced to capital punishment. like yeah, that sounds like something i’d do. having gay sex with his first mate WOULD fix him AND the entire plot of the story. he adopts the cabin boy for funsies. allowing himself human connection with the cabin boy WOULD fix him and the story, and he acknowledges this out loud while actively avoiding it. he worships fire. he was even gay.

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happy 9/11 to those who celebrate

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dems really are out here acting like they Want to lose lmao

(+ recommend viewing the whole linked thread, which has more context + videos. the women who were denied entry had RSVPd for the event and were given wristbands before campaign officials denied them entry)

stop being angrier at the people who refuse to vote for this bullshit than you are about the politicians doing this bullshit

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all these hints dropping is building up to rusty quill surprising us all by actually ending the world on october 18

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i want every single white piece of shit on that post calling people fascists or misguided or privileged or stupid for not voting for biden to look a palestinian person whose entire family got killed by biden in the eyes and tell them you think they should vote for biden. tell them you think they're privileged for not voting for biden. look them in the eyes and condescend to them about how much danger they clearly don’t know they’re in.

don't actually do that. don't actually ever speak to a fucking brown person lmao. eat shit actually.

i want every single one of you genocidal freaks to think for two seconds about why you think it's acceptable to tell brown people to vote for the man committing genocide on their fucking families. to tell disabled people to vote for the man committing eugenics based genocide on them at home via covid. (you do realize the largest amount of covid protection rollbacks occurred during biden's presidency right? you do realize a thousand people a week are CURRENTLY dying from covid?)

using the threat of our rights being taken away as a cudgel against Black and Brown and disabled ppl as if the biden admin hasn’t overseen more covid deaths than the trump admin, massive attacks on immigration rights (including the recent immigration proposal increasing mandatory detention and allowing mass deportations), massive attacks on reproductive rights (they knew abt roe v wade for WEEKS. we can bypass congress for genocide & for worsening immigration rights but we can't do anything about abortion?), as if we aren't looking at the current highest levels of homelessness since 2007. and all of that on top of the fact that joe shitstain biden is LITERALLY COMMITTING GENOCIDE.

the audacity. the absolute audacity. of this white bitch going ""vote for them: the most marginalized, the most vulnerable"" BIDEN IS KILLING "THEM." BIDEN IS KILLING US. How dare you speak for us? biden's complete rollback of covid protections have killed more people than trump. biden's admin has utterly abandoned disabled people to die. he is committing a eugenicist genocide against all disabled and immunocompromised people. he is committing a genocide against palestinians. the audacity to call those people "privileged" for refusing to enable THEIR OWN GENOCIDES.

"boohoo we have no choice but to vote for the genocidal fascist or else there'll be fascism!!!" you dumb fuckers we are already living in a fascist state. you don't care about stopping fascism. you don't care about stopping genocide. you care about fascism and genocide not hurting you. if spineless liberals and dems want so badly to beat trump they should put forward a candidate who hasn’t alienated the voter base that let them win the last time, not the candidate that barely won four years ago before reneging on his promises (student loans, environmentalism, etc), killing half a million people from covid, and killing 20,000+ more via colonial genocide.

to every dumbass in those notes going “uwu he isn’t perfect uwu he isn’t my first choice uwu we can't let ~disagreements~ get in the way uwu voting is like public transport <3 voting is like a group project”: ten thousand children are dead. ten thousand children are dead. ten thousand children are dead. biden killed ten thousand children. what the fuck is wrong with you.

i hope you all rot.

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hello @whaleweekly and whale weekly fans!! welcome to moby dick!!!! i hope y’all enjoyed the first chapter of ishmael going “fuck im depressed im gonna go walk into the ocean”

for the past couple of years i’ve been working on a webcomic adaptation of moby dick. it looks a little something like this:

(ALT)

moby dick: or, the webcomic is a qtpoc-written (that’s me) adaptation of moby dick, trying to remain faithful to the spirit of the original story while also engaging with melville’s (always very conscious, sometimes excellent, sometimes poor) treatment of race & racism. it’s also very queer (like, of course, the OG book!). i have been working on this project for a couple of years now and it is my pride and joy; i’ve poured a lot of love into her. & id really love for y’all to come along and love this story as much as i do, through the lovely project over at whale weekly or through the comic.

i’ve got a good amount of backlog up, so if you want to read along the webcomic too as whale weekly continues to update, please come check it out! link is in my bio; updates with a new page every friday! (currently on a holiday break). you can find her at mobydick-thecomic.com

and just for fun, here’s some more snippets of what she looks like

thank you for reading! rb’s are always appreciated 💖

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i am too fucking exhausted and grieving to crop these properly / make them nice and neat / get individual links to all of these (quick search can find them) but in the past two weeks ALONE israeli settlers (civilians!! not IOF!!) have attacked palestinians, set their houses on fire, mocked palestinian women grieving their genocided children, & more.

in the past several DECADES israeli settlers (including civilians — who by the way do have mandatory military service) have been active and violent participants in israel’s settler colonialism. not just passive benefactors of it. active agents. destroying palestinian homes. violently removing palestinians from their homes. attacking palestinian ppl.

when people talk about hamas’ “unprovoked” attack on civilians, these are the people they’re referring to. “oh so you’re saying those civilians deserved to die?” no. i’m saying where the fuck do you think this violence came from? think for two seconds about why the fuck there might be violence targeting the same group of people that’s actively spent the last several decades invading their land and ethnic cleansing their ppl?

you don’t get to, as civilians, be active violent agents of ethnic cleansing and settler colonialism, and then act surprised when said civilians are targeted.

israel’s occupation started this. israel’s occupation caused all of this. israel’s occupation has always been violent and therefore created and actively cultivated the material conditions for violence. if we want no civilians to be targeted (which is good and correct! i agree with u!) then israel’s occupation must end.

end the fucking occupation. free palestine.

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the THING. the thing the thing the thing. the thing about ahab and starbuck. is that to each other. starbuck is devotion without trust. and ahab is trust without devotion.

starbuck is SO devoted to ahab. like, unhealthily devoted to him. like “some ineffable thing has tied me to him; tows me with a cable I have no knife to cut” devoted to him. like “I misdoubt me that I disobey my God in obeying him!” devoted; like “stares down the barrel of ahab’s gun pointed at him and keeps his cool” devoted to him, like “recognizes that the only way home to his family, home to his wife and child, is by refusing ahab, and yet still he chooses ahab, chooses him over and over again over himself, over his crew, over his own survival, over his own God, chooses his captain over his wife and his child and making it home to them” devoted to him. over everything, starbuck chooses ahab.

but he doesn’t trust him. of course he doesn’t; why would he? he’s no reason to trust him; he knows ahab is going to lead them all to their deaths no matter what starbuck says. he tries and tries and tries over and over again to get ahab to turn around and it’s never enough.

and ahab. ahab trusts starbuck--as much as he can trust anyone. that trust is not always there -- especially not at the beginning; it grows throughout the book. starbuck is truly the only one on this boat with the means to stop ahab, and he knows it. ahab wants him on his side, spends time winning him over, is pleased when he thinks it’s worked -- “starbuck is now mine” (gay as hell to--). but even then, there is a level of trust there -- stubb talks back to ahab and he immedediately and commandingly shuts that shit down, but starbuck? ahab listens to him. even changes his mind for him in certain places, listening to starbuck over his own wants. immediately after holding him at gunpoint (lmao) he gives in to starbuck’s request because he knows he’s right. “thou art but too good a fellow, starbuck.” and in the very end, when he needs help to be hoisted up into the rigging because he is unable to make it up on his own with his prosthetic, ahab decides to trust starbuck with his life over everyone else -- over the harpooners, over fedallah, over everyone -- to hold the line that would keep him alive: “Take the rope, sir—I give it into thy hands, Starbuck.” starbuck could easily kill him here -- let go of the rope and send him plunging 100 feet to a shattered death on the deck of the pequod, and ahab trusts him with his life. take my life, starbuck; i’m putting it in your hands. he trusts starbuck to stay on the ship while he goes off to hunt the white whale.

but still, still, ahab does not truly ever choose starbuck. he cares for him, certainly -- he wants starbuck to stay on the ship and be safe while he goes off -- but still, ahab chooses his vengeance over him. he trusts starbuck enough to see god in his eyes, trusts him enough to lean against him for support, to let starbuck physically hold him up when his leg is snapped, trusts him enough to gaze into his eyes and lean in his arms and ask him to brush the hair from his tired wrinkled brow and still still still still doesn’t choose him. starbuck chooses ahab over everything and ahab chooses his iron-railed path over starbuck. “What is it, what nameless, inscrutable, unearthly thing is it; what cozening, hidden lord and master, and cruel, remorseless emperor commands me; that against all natural lovings and longings, I so keep pushing?”

devotion without trust. i will follow you into the hell i know you’re bringing us to. i will hold your life in my hands. even though i cannot trust you to protect me and do right by me and our crew. trust without devotion. i will put my life in your hands. i will trust you with everything i have. even though i cannot choose you over the fate i was assigned.

im mentally unwell about them.

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it would be really nice if ppl harping on transmascs for talking abt anti-transmasculinity (or even, gasp, giving a name to it!) actually listened to the experiences of transmascs of color (particularly Black transmascs), disabled transmascs, fat transmascs, etc. etc. instead of centering the hypothetical thin, white, cis-passing able-bodied trans man they have in their head who they use as the benchmark for all transmasc experience. any of the beliefs about how transmascs aren’t targeted as much, aren’t hated by terfs, face less violence, aren’t treated as predators, are simply “invisible” by default (rather than being deliberately erased and buried), etc wouldn’t be happening if people just listened to transmascs saying over and over again that yes, we do experience these things, yes, these harms do happen to us. you wouldn’t believe we don’t face those things if you listened to us.

anti-transmasculinity is a whole and unique experience, multifaceted and intersectional, and it involves the continued and deliberate erasure of transmasc folks and our struggles and the violence we face, and the lumping in of violence against us as “violence against women.” anti-transmasculinity is not a counter or an “opposite” to transmisogyny; they are interconnected struggles — transfem & transmasc are not opposites! the existence of anti-transmasculinity does not mean that transmascs have it “worse” or “better” — honestly, judging oppression by such metrics is unproductive and unhelpful. we have more to gain from engaging with each other and understanding how our experiences mutually connect with one another.

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you can sail about a little and see the watery part of the world. you can get to sea just as soon as you can to drive off the spleen and regulate the circulation. but watch out.

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it is not escaping my notice that after the podcast where 98% of the fanbase headcanoned* the MC as south asian, the new tmagp protagonist Is in fact south asian … praying the fandom is Normal about this!! (& also cautiously optimistic but wary for canon MC of color! crossing fingers that this is handled better than tma handled race. i love samama khalid already and i WILL be defending him to the death <3)

* or, at least, drew him based on the wide headcanon of him being SA, because we know half the white ppl drawing him did not actually care to think about race beyond making him ~ambiguously brown~ lmao