So, because I Only Just Listened To That Version TODAY, I checked myself on the lyrics via EvRef, and, well...
...You ever get really nostalgic for a thing that used to exist but doesn’t anymore?
Because the article for My Immortal mentioned something Amy had mentioned on EvBoard. Which, if I remember correctly, you could only access if you had a fan club membership?
Guess which kid grew up a member of EvClub, the official Evanescence fan club! (Hint: it’s me.) I mean, it only existed for 4 years, but I was there for all 4 of them.
So naturally, I was on the message boards. (The nickname “Zira” comes from the Hebrew word for “Shadow”, which comes from my chosen nickname on those forum boards, MissingShadow. And on a Teen Titans fansite’s forums, I was RavensShadow [where my avatar was the Evanescence logo from their website], and then there’s the theme of being in the shadows, working with the shadows, shadow magic, shadow work, just, lots of Shadows in my life. It’s a Thing.)
Anyways, I just flashed back to the very day I found that post. Someone had asked Amy about her hair care routine, she mentioned her natural hair looking that way, and I think that’s the very message the article is talking about! I was there! I saw it! I remember that exact post!
It was unusually long for her, she rarely went into so much detail on there...
I’m gonna challenge myself to find it!
When I was a blossoming babe, I really admired her hair. In case it isn’t obvious.
I mean... she was only one third of the inspiration for me to have such long hair. Half was 80′s!Raven, and the rest was my Nana’s hair, because hers has always been that long, too. And then Tarja came into my life just absolutely rocking it also, and my hair’s fate was sealed.
And then you get into the whole abuse thing, where my stepmother wouldn’t let me grow my hair out past my chin for my whole life. Up until I was aboooout 7, I had been trying to grow it out because I loved my Nana’s long pretty hair. But stepmonster decided I didn’t deserve bodily autonomy and forced me to cut it short. I cried. I legitimately broke down and cried. (Not just for appearance, but she wouldn’t listen to me and it’s the whole controlling and manipulating thing, you know? Even as a kid, I RESENTED that. I didn’t even like the way it looked, and I put up a huge fight every time she thought my hair was getting “too long” and decided we’d get it cut. I hated it.)
So when she finally got off my back about it, by the time I was 14, I realized: My hair passed my shoulders! I could maybe finally start growing it out! She couldn’t FORCE me to cut it short; I wouldn’t LET her!
And I’ve been growing it out ever since.
So when Amy posted how she takes care of three feet of hair, when I had just started being able to do what I want with my own body (not because stepmonster stopped trying to manipulate me, but because I stopped caring what she thought), it felt super important to me to know how to keep my hair healthy and get it as long as I liked.
So you can imagine how growing long hair was really special to me when it finally happened, right? It’s so special and meaningful to me, it was this whole Big Deal when I finally let my cosmotologist sister cut off all the dead ends and I lost about three inches of length.
It’s still down to my tailbone, but I don’t have to grab it aside to sit on the toilet anymore. :P
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Space questions~
Taken from here:
https://sentencestarters-and-asks.tumblr.com/post/130290639605
Planets: Life
Mercury: What’s your full name?
The one that matters? It's very personal, but the "Rae" my closest friends call me comes from RWT. (That's a bit of a secret and deeply meaningful name, so I'd rather not share that... publically, anyways. You're welcome to ask in dm if you'd like, and if I trust you, I'll tell you.)
~ "Zira" comes from ZiraShield, my gaming/etc tag. "Shadow" (+Zira, the Hebrew word for shadow) comes from waaay back when the Evanescence fanclub was around and my tagline was "MissingShadow", and when my Teen Titans forum site nickname was "RavensShadow".
~ “RHS” comes from "RavensHiddenSoul", my name on YouTube, dA, and probably some other things I've forgotten.
~ "Blue" comes as a reference to Blue Diamond because Just Trust Me, It's Very Relevant.
~ Birth name? I'm not comfortable sharing that online. (Even though dozens of people share my name in Ohio alone, apparently. Common first AND last name. It just doesn't mean anything Good to me.)
Venus: What’s your first language?
Midwestern American English.
Earth: Where’s your home?
...you know, for the longest time I didn't feel my home WAS on Earth. The place where I feel more "at home" than anywhere isn't even on Earth, it's astral. My mindscape, places with my spirit guide and matron... Even where I am now, having been here for three years, it's no a home. Just a place where I can rest while in transition.
Mars: What’s your sexuality?
Asexual, though only by a very rare show of technicality am I actually demigray pansexual.
Jupiter: Do you have any siblings?
Dear heavens, so many... Okay, so! My older half-brother by mother (rarely seen), my younger full-sister, then parents got divorced and Dad met Stepmother who was pregnant from her prior marriage (hence my younger stepbrother that I've known since he was born), my stepmother and father had a daughter (my younger half-sister by father), and my mother had an eventful night with someone that resulted in my younger half-brother by mother. Whew.
I was raised with my two sisters and stepbrother, so they're the default ones I imagine when people ask about siblings.
Saturn: Any pets?
Used to be a lot more! Right now I just have two chinchillas and four diamond doves (but diamond doves are so tiny, so they're all in one cage-- and the chins are in the same cage. Though all my pets are housed in Big Cages, even most of my betta were never in anything smaller than 3g....)
Uranus: What’s your hobby?
...I have so many of those, too... Writing is my favorite, particularly about my OCs or Raven-centric TT fanfics. And roleplaying, I absolutely love writing with someone else! I also love music, mostly singing but I'm also quite literally addicted to concerts, I love exploring new artists, I've written a few songs and I improvise very Unfinished Songs on my keyboard, but I mostly play with sheet music and improv because I can't play by ear for shit.
Neptune: When’s your birthday?
March 30th
Pluto: What time is it right now where you are?
6:34pm
Moon: What are you currently studying/hope to study?
Academically? Nothing! A big stinking heaping hunk of NOTHING! HA. Miss me with that student loan debt and a useless degree that doesn’t guarantee you the job you were promised. But as far as actual practice, I'm learning how to be a leader and a bu\siness ow/ner with with my org, so, you know. Studying from THEM, for sure. Also studying a lot of self-help and personal growth, learning how to Heal.
Stars: Experiences
Sun: Have you ever had alcohol?
Yes, just a few times and very, very sporadically, but I can't say I'm a fan.
Sirius: Have you ever failed a class?
I came very, very VERY close. I got a D- on one of my AP Physics progress reports. I don't do well with math, guys. Luckily my teacher understood that I grasped the science but just couldn't grasp the math, even after he'd tried coaching me through it and attending after-school study sessions and everything, but because he knew I was Trying and appreciated that, he gave me two extra credit projects and I brought my grade up to almost a C.
Rigel: Have you ever gone on a rollercoaster?
Yes! I used to do a lot better on them, now even Dramamine doesn't hold the kinetosis back forever. /:S And I've been getting light-headed on them in recent years, so that's, uhh, concerning. But for the first few rides, I absolutely LOVE them! The sensation of FLIGHT, baby!!
Deneb: Have you ever been out of your home country?
Closest I've gone was.... mmh, a tie between San Diego and Niagara Falls. Not QUITE, but I've been very close to the borders. I’ve been on both sides of the continent, though! And I’ve been to... probably 12 US States now?
Arcturus: Have you cried out of something other than sadness?
Oh hell yes. Music and Steven Universe. (I think the first time I cried from happiness at SU was Jungle Moon? I was absolutely ECSTATIC at our first glimpse of Pink, you have no fucking idea.)
Betelgeuse: What’s something you can never forget about?
the real answer seems to be things from past lives that i'd actually tried to permanently forget via magic and yet they still carried over into this life... But there's quite a lot from THIS life, too. My friends. My OCs. Raven's impact on my life and meeting Marv Wolfman. My familiars, Fizzy especially. The first time I realized my astral projections were So Different. Discovering the Nexus weirdness. The first time I opened up to a friend about The Real Reason I worked so hard to control my emotions, and the way he was so supportive and reassuring and wouldn't let me get down on myself. My mentors, even the first one who is all the way in Florida but told me before she moved that I was so much better than who my stepmother told me I was. Just... a lot of life-changing things, you know?
Aldebaran: What’s something you care desperately about?
My friends and their well-being, safety, and happiness.
Canopus: Have you ever broken a bone?
Not to my knowledge? Though I might've sprained my right ankle. I was too afraid of how my stepmother would react to tell someone when I hurt it, but it didn't hurt badly enough to think I had to. To this day, almost 20 years later, it still cracks and rolls a bit too easily for comfort.
Bellatrix: Have you ever been forced to lie/keep a secret?
Nobody on the planet could FORCE me to lie. Secrets, however... I will loyally and stubbornly keep a secret of my own free will.
Alphard: Have you ever lost a friend?
...yes... Dear friends, many times. Largely due to them moving, sometimes due to reincarnation or whatever weirdness you want to ascribe to that.
Vega: What’s something you’ve done that you wish you hadn’t?
...I don't like questions like this. They take me to dark places. But... I wish I hadn't divorced myself so far from my own hopes and dreams and desires that, four or more years into trying to reconnect with myself, I still don't know what I'm Truly Feeling half the time. It was my coping mechanism, hell it was A SURVIVAL mechanism. But I wish I hadn't taught myself that The Only Way to Get Through Life is to Shut Off My Emotions Entirely.
Constellations: Favourites
Centaurus: Favourite holiday?
Samhain, Halloween hands-down!~
Orion: Favourite month?
Ooh.... a nice tie between October and February.
Cassiopeia: Favourite book?
The New Teen Titans, as written by Marv Wolfman and drawn by George Perez! As far as novels though, maybe... Bruiser, by Neal Shusterman? Pretty much any novel Shusterman has put out in the past 10 years is eligible for this list.
Delphinus: Favourite study?
Meditation and the occult.
Hercules: Favourite instrument?
To play? Piano! To imagine myself playing (because I've never been able to try but have a Visceral Gut Instinct that I would LOVE it), the theramin!
Gemini: Favourite song?
Right now I'm really stuck on Serene by Tarja! (I sang my heart out to it during my walk yesterday and a neighbor complimented my singing!)
Pegasus: Favourite place to be?
All in all, the astral. But on Earth, probably the forest that first opened its heart to me.
Libra: Favourite colour?
Deep, rich dark blue!
Phoenix: Favourite thing to wear?
Cloaks and skirts. They make a damn good show when it's windy!
Aries: Favourite movie?
I'm not much of a movie person, honestly... I love the first few Crow movies. Powder struck a chord. The Covenant was fun, but it has been over a decade since I watched it, so I’m not sure if I’d still enjoy it?
Cygnus: Favourite weather?
Thunderstorms and cool breezy days.
Hydra: Favourite sound?
The crowd at a concert singing along to a song you all know by heart. ~<3
Galaxies: Love/Friends
Milky Way: Who’s your oldest friend?
My now-girlfriend, @banishedbandit
Andromeda: Do you consider yourself social?
Not terribly, no. I can coast through a social situation and make for good conversation when I connect with someone, though.
Black Eye Galaxy: Do you believe in love at first sight?
I don't. I believe in infatuation, admiration, appreciation, crushes, and lust at first sight. But “true” love doesn't happen just because of the way someone looks, or walks, or presents themselves. Love can only be achieved through knowing enough about them to love them for who they are, not what they look like.
Cartwheel Galaxy: When was your first kiss?
Given a kiss outside the family, second grade. A friend walked by and pecked me on the cheek in the lunch room.
Cigar Galaxy: How’s your flirting skills?
Depends on how comfortable I am with the present company. Among friends on a good day, I can have a wit sharp as a knife. But that's mostly the "flirty" kind of banter and such. With total strangers, I don't do "flirting", I do "trying to get to know you on a deep and sincere level". You have to unlock my playfulness like a level-up award.
Comet Galaxy: Have you ever had to leave a relationship because someone changed too much?
Mhh, not romantically, no. But platonically, even familially, there are a lot of people I don't talk to anymore because I learned some very unsavory things about their bigotry.
Pinwheel Galaxy: Would you date the last person you talked to?
Mmmmmmaybe? If they asked, maybe?
Sombrero Galaxy: Do you have a crush right now?
Is my girlfriend a valid answer? Because I have like, a perpetual crush on her.
Bode’s Galaxy: Have you ever had a secret admirer?
I had a feeling someone was crushing on me from afar, but I've never gotten any notes or any sort of admirational gestures.
Sunflower Galaxy: Would you date/make friends with someone out of pity?
Hell no. My time and their time are both more valuable than that! I can make friends with someone I happen to feel pity for, but I won't try to maintain a relationship purely because they're pitiful.
Tadpole Galaxy: Would you deny a relationship/friendship?
No? What good would that do? I'm proud of the people I've befriended, and if someone has a problem with one of my friends, that's their issue, and I am absolutely not going to feed into that.
Whirlpool Galaxy: Have you ever cried over a breakup?
Nope.
Other stuff: Wishes
Comet: What’s your big dream?
DM me for this one, because it's an entire fucking essay on its own! The tl;dr version goes like: Escaping Capitalist Hell, Healing Whatever Is Wrong With My Stomach, Free Time to Live my Life, Showering my Girlfriend and Friends with Love and Affection and Time, Huge Home, Space For Pets, an entire library, space to meditate, altars for my deities......... There's a lot I dream about, especially in recent years.
Asteroid: What does your dream life look like?
See above; the Free Time Lifestyle IS my dream.
Meteor: What’s something you wish you could tell, but can’t?
The story behind RWT? All the details of the Nexus? My past lives and identities? Just what it's like being an empath? Why I relate so hard to Raven? How much my friends mean to me? How much I love my girlfriend? Any kind of Emotional Expression would be Lovely but my brain has Blinders around the Pretty Phrasing for it, apparently???
Nebula: If you could undo one thing in your life, what would it be?
...I'm not sure how I could choose just one... Maybe, going to public school for as long as I did? If I could have gone to an online school earlier, I probably could've graduated earlier, and won more of my life back. Maybe even gotten a job, and gotten free from my stepmother earlier, and more permanently.
Shooting Star: If you could bring back one thing, what would it be?
the answer to that is too Nexus and painful and I know it's not wise, but... There are two, really, but I don't think either of the Things I'd want to be bring back would want to COME back... a dearly beloved one i still get spasms of grief for, and a place long lost, and apparently happy to stay that way.
Pulsar: What do you hope to do in the next 10 years?
GET FREE.
Supernova: What’s one thing you want to do before you die?
Be a positive force in as many peoples' lives as I can. Do some GOOD in the world. And believe, well and truly, that I am a good person after all.
Quasar: If you could spend the rest of your life with only one person, who would it be?
I can't fucking answer that, I would need at least Four!
Wormhole: What’s something you wish would happen, but know won’t?
...mmmh, Steven Universe continuing? Or the collapse of capitalism and the rise of climate-conscious policies OVERNIGHT!
Black Hole: What’s the last thing you want to see?
I'm not sure. Something hopeful, maybe? I suppose I won't know until I get there.
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