#really ive worked too hard too long on my own self acceptance and love to let these assholes win by getting in my head

[undeadbutch]

hi i love you i hope you have a good day please let me know if you need me to hurt anyone for you

aww i love you too 🥺 i am having a very neutral day so far, though its always made better bysupportive dykes in my inbox cx

[nyxyxx]

Godly Desires - Part 5

Disappeared for a while for holidays and stuff. Happy New Year folks. This chapter is quite short but the good parts come next so that's exciting. (Also with a little bit of lore hehe). I. II. III. IV. V. Warning: This series will contain yandere content and religious themes.

"The City of Wind"

-

In the woods, stirring from its ancient slumber was a darkness so wicked and vicious, the very life that surrounded it began to wither and decay, rotting away from its presence alone. This darkness, it had a mind of its own, yet had no name to accompany it. Perhaps it once had a name, but said name has been long lost in the archaic oceans of time. Sunk deep within the waters of the world, lived a name so egregious, that uttering it would only bring about misfortune.

There was a prophecy to be told about this darkness. An ancient prophecy, one that was older than the gods themself. A legend told from within the land, an old story that was soon to be unearthed. Though this story would very soon present itself, discovered in the depths of the sea, now is not the time.

"It is the calm before the storm, my love."

-

"Stop right there!" A young girl emerged from the trees and promptly ran towards you. Dressed in red, white and brown, alongside the pyro vision at her hip, it was the ever-so recognizable Outrider Amber. She stood in front of you, with an air of justice and gentleness. "May the anemo God protect you, stranger!" She announced, suspiciously gazing over your strangely dressed self. "I am Outrider Amber, of the knights of favonius, and who are you?"

"Oh uh...I'm [___]"

Amber simply stared at you in silence, looking a lot different than her typical self. Almost like she was thinking really hard about something, but also staring at you. Noticing how weird she was being, she kinda just turned away from you, her ears tinted a little pinkish.

...

There was somewhat of an awkward silence following. You gave her a fake name, as Diluc had mentioned it may be a good idea to do so, though you found it to be quite strange. Still, this was just way too awkward. Why wasn't she responding? Did you already do something wrong?

"Oh um...right. Where was I..." Amber snapped back into her usual persona, and thus you carefully explained your situation to her, keeping a few things hidden, but otherwise being truthful. She seemed to relax after a while of talking to her, even opening up a little bit.

"If you'd like, I can take you to the city, there have been lots of monsters in the area recently." She said, a little bit shy. It was uncalled for, but since she was offering you her company, you accepted happily.

Reaching the gates of the city, you glanced up at the sky. Though you had seen Mondstadt many times it looked so much more beautiful in person. Maybe your dream just had such great detail to it. Amber hastily showed you around, though it was mostly unneeded, as the entire city felt so familiar, to you. She quickly mentioned that she had to get back to work, and hoped that you had a good time while you remained in Mondstadt.

You couldn't help but shake the feeling that there was something that you were missing. Some important reason that you had to come here. Like you had been sent here for some purpose that you can't quite remember. You tried really hard to think of what that could've been, but attempting to do only led to your head hurting.

Well, you were here anyways. You might as well try and find something fun to do. So, swallowing those strange feelings, you decided to try someplace that might be interesting. The local tavern, perhaps.

-

Taglist: @justyoureader; @mmeatt; @iamapotatoe; @clavichordcleffa; @yu-ulda; @c3rtifiedsimp; @eravariety; @vianitry; @dulcedelechenginamo; @reveihehe; @liansh3ng; @angelofdarkness2; @yarabutterfly;

[honeekyuu]

hi honey! im sending this to ask you how you decided that you wanted to pursue a PHD. im thinking of getting a phd in economics because I’ve always been super interested, but im not sure if that’s the path for me yet. what do you think are some pros and cons to getting one and how did you know that this was the right path for you??

-b.

hi!!! omg wow what a question. i will say first that everyones phd experience looks a little different, so i can talk ab mine but definitely take it with a grain of salt!!

i knew i wanted to do a phd because 1) i love being in school, and 2) while i was getting my B.A in linguistics, i had a lot of questions that were higher level and more specific than my undergrad classes could really get into. I also worked as a research assistant to a professor in the East Asian Languages and Civilizations dept for about 3 years, and she was my closest mentor and advisor in that time. she was a korean historian, and she encouraged me to keep studying something related to korean, because that had been my specialization of sorts when it came to choosing classes and research projects. i had a feeling around that time that i wanted to go on to a graduate program of some sort.

after i finished undergrad, i took a year off to figure my life out, and in that time, i worked one on one with a professor in the Linguistics dept at my undergrad for about 9-10 months. under her guidance, i wrote what would have essentially been a masters thesis about korean linguistics, and i knew in that time that i wanted that paper to be the paper i submitted to phd programs.

i think there are a few things to consider when thinking ab a phd:

phds are extremely individual research focused. my program doesnt offer a terminal master's degree (it's included within the phd program as a milestone), but phds are NOT like "undergrad 2.0". ive seen a number of people make that mistake in my program, focusing only on coursework and waiting for their advisor to give them research to do. im not sure how econ works, but in ling, we're thrown straight off the deep end into research. im only a 3rd year, and my master's degree research project was accepted into the top korean linguistics conference in the world, which is 100% a FLEX but also this is only happening because my advisors are cutthroat research gods who pushed pushed pushed me from the very first day. so please be aware that phds are very self-driven. you need the motivation to work on your own for long periods of time.

some people think a phd is a lonely experience. i think it certainly can be, because everyone is working on their own hyper-specific research project, but it's also very important for that reason to have friends. my closest friend in the department is 3 years above me, and we only became friends because i arrived screaming crying throwing up with fear and anxiety ab my work and he literally clocked me as the kid who needed the most emotional grounding LMAO. my other closest friend was literally my research assistant. he was an undergrad. but he was my age (korean military service delays college quite a lot, it seems), so once his contract w me was up, it turned into us helping him apply for grad schools too!! and now the four of us (them + my partner) have weekly stardew valley screaming sessions on discord and saturday brunch with animal crossing. it's not lonely, and i think that's because i knew it would be if i didnt make friends.

i think ill say one more thing before i stfu. grad school is hard. it's so so hard. please be aware of that. some days im drowning in mental health issues and fearing even a chance encounter in the hall with my advisors because i know theyll ask about something i havent gotten done yet. sometimes im literally sobbing on my couch, overwhelmed beyond belief wondering if i can do this. sometimes i become self-destructive and isolated and so terribly unwell that my mom starts calling my partner because i wont pick up the phone. it's fucking hard. but it's also the happiest ive ever been, truly. the really really hard days are worth it, because the really good days or even just the decently good days are much more frequent and amazing. running down the hall to avoid my advisor seeing me is worth it because, when things are good, he invites me to coffee and we spend 2+ hours talking about my future. he tells me he pushes me because he knows i can do what needs to be done and change the field. he makes my life hell because, once im through it, no one else could ever question the quality of my work and the job market is going to be so beautiful once i get there. i started grad school a nervous wreck with terribly low self-esteem who thought that my research could never cut it or be interesting enough. im barely going into my 3rd year, and ive been broken down and reformed into the kind of person i used to look up to, by my own sheer willpower to be the strongest i can be. im not afraid to fail anymore, because ive failed a million times in the last 2 years. im not afraid to fuck up, because ive fucked up so many times, in front of the two people who hold my future in their hands, and im still here. grad school is worth it to me because im the version of myself that the me from undergrad would never believe exists.

[credulouscanidae]

i feel like this year has been a huge bust mentally

i didnt wanna be like this still by christmas, let alone the new year

i dont want it to become march and im still like this, a whole year since moving by then.

but i can feel myself improving, funny enough.

ive spent a lot of this time in despair and grief, and i was giving myself a time limit on those feelings. which made me unable to meet my own expectations, which made me recede and become unable to challenge myself, because i wsa constantly setting myself up for failure to begin with. it feels impossible to do a challenge youre already failing before you begin.

and i have been self aware this whole time too, having that logical part of me talk me through it all. i can look back at myself almost in a third person, as ive always done, and see all the connections as to why im feeling and therefore behaving this way.

so instead of sitting around punishing myself, ive been /trying/ to tell myself theres no time limit on adjustment, and that i am strong enough to pull through. even if i come out of this being disliked. ive put so much energy into being anxious about what people think of me, that ive caused my own cycle of not being able to face it.

i have been acutely aware this whole time that others can only do so much for me, and in the end the only person who can change my situation is me. for me to find that inner strength to do that.

i feel like a lot of the noise has quietened down now. because i had to suddenly grapple with not only accepting my old life was changing, but that i had to suddenly build up a brand new life from scratch with very little support. but the life building in england is finally feeling...like i can do it. things feel less confusing and daunting, the roads feel less scary to navigate, i know where to go for what i need now, and ive been falling into daily routines again. which i didnt have when i first arrived. it's like my roots are finally burying in. and thats making incorporating my aussie roots back into my life feel a bit more doable.

i WANT to have voice chats with friends, or have a casual hello. i dont want to be like this. having a twisted tummy and palpitating heart every time i see a new notification on my phone. i havent even cleared my notif bar on my phone for months, out of fear of seeing a message i havent checked from so long ago. there is so much literal and mental clutter. and i want to be free of all of these notifs and emails etc. its not anyones fault but mine. i WANT to be more engaged, i feel homesick and miss everyone. and i HATE that those feelings dominate my behaviour, and how EASY it is to fall into a self fulfilling prophecy. i hate how it makes me a neglectful friend and family member.

but, with therapy, and settling into my life here. i think i can slowly work my way up to getting over all of this. i really. really. REALLY. fucking want to. i want to draw again, i want to learn how to sculpt, i want to be involved in peoples lives again. because right now, im finding it hard to even humour the idea of making friends here in the uk, because of how guilty that would make me feel, and how not ready i am to make new connections, especially cuz i would rather reinforce connection with existing people in my life.

again. self fulfilling. all that does is make me continue to be lonely.

but as i said, it's slowly getting better. i feel bad about how negative ive been all this time. i just want people to know that, in regards to my relationship, i AM happy. and i know that 10 years from now im going to look back on all of this with evren and go "fuck man that was a lot huh"

you cant hate yourself into loving yourself, and thats something that has kept my spark going, even when it's been one bad thought away from fizzling out.

im trying to be easier on myself. i know that all of this can exist at the same time as me having negative effects on others (which i guess is just an assumption to begin with) and i am not immune to causing that damage. but honestly? right now in this moment, im trying to give myself some compassion and lenience. because ive spent years and years feeling anxious and being hyper vigilant about my behaviour and how i affect others, that i have barely taken the time to consider myself and be healthy and strong in my core self. as they say, assume the best unless told otherwise. thats going to be a goal of mine. i always assume good intentions from people, even to a detriment, so i hope to take that view and shape it into a healthier outlook. maybe not everyone has their best intentions or insight, but i think overall people are just trying. god, in this goddamn fucked up world, all we can do is try.

and thats why i need to be more lenient.

sorry for all the tangents and sloppy execution. im probably in the acceptance stage of grief atm lmao, and im tired of being like this.

[seabunnieart]

(same anon as before hiiii) please talk more about wuya...... Well yeah obviously you do that a lot here but i need MORE I love when ppl make ocs and are so passionate about it because I am too and it's not just a silly thing to think about in the meantime my oc occupy my every thought

Do you have hcs for his interactions with other characters? Stories you write (not necessarily fics, but also note app thingies or stuff you make with friends etc), aus... I like making those for my oc

ALSO!! What are your fav oc x canon ships..... I love canon characters ships but idk there's smth special about doing it with your ocs yk and you said oc x canon is your fav thing in the world.....so true.....

Ps: I started working on my own oc's info (voicelines n stuff) and it's so hard to write other characters in a way they're not too ooc or different from canon ouch 🥹

wow youre flustering me here anon. wuya rlly is always on my mind, esp since i draw and roleplay him on occasion with friends. he isn't a self insert or a yume, but he does hold a lot of deeply personal topics within his character. and has aspects of myself and my personality within his writing and profile.

and uhmm i have some!!

wuya really likes kalim's company and energy. he loves jade's genuine interest and appreciation for nature. he thinks rook is hilarious, and goes out of his way to taunt and play " cat and mouse " with him.

my main ship with wuya is with floyd ( a ship my friend group has taken to calling floya or floyer ). it's a pairing ive given a lot of thought to, and i've dove pretty deeply into the dynamic and chemistry there. i don't ship a lot usually as is since i'm so particular about these things. but i actually made a pretty neat little chart for characters and how wuya feels about them in general: here.

i LOVE oc x canon.

when i was pretty young, and did actively join and counted myself part of fandoms in general-- i was met with a lot of negativity for it. i'm so happy to see oc x canon is a lot more accepted and encouraged now. and because of my own experiences i really push and support people who wanna do what they wanna do. so what if you ship your funky little brain child with your favorite character? it isn't hurting anyone, and it's just another way to show you love and appreciate that character.

lastly, yes. it is hard. i consider myself pretty good at it, i've got a lot of rp experience under my belt. and i do think i've developed a skill for reading particular sorts of characters, and capturing their canon well. it's always a challenge, but in the end so long as you're happy with how it sounds... i think that's all that matters.

[shoeshoesho]

March 17, 2023

i haven’t written in a while. I haven’t felt this bad in a while. I cant really put my finger on it. And to be honest now that i should be writing about it i find myself too tired to even dive in. Im tired of being tired. Im tired of being upset. Without even discussing the issue, the buddhist way would sound like this: Be less self centered. Everything that happens, happens. We are the creator of this reality that is in pain and anguish. We paint this landscape we feel. i feel bad at my job. I feel attached to this identity of my job. I tally my mistakes and reason with my own myself- why don’t you just quit? I feel tired and burnt out. I think to myself. Is that just an excuse for your mistakes? Or are these just excuses. Maybe, you are bad at your job? Maybe its ok to be bad at your job. Maybe if you accepted that you were bad at your job that you would be happier. Free-er. 

Maybe if you let go of this. You could finally be happy doing a half ass job at your work. I ask myself why cant I be an effective person? Why do i make the mistakes i make. What self help books can I get. Or am i just. not good. at this. job. IT pays well. I bought a house. Im sitting here on my rug with the fire. alone. Was it all worth it in the end??

IS this a millenial soul reaching out for some sort of unordinary lifestyle? Should i be doing something i really love doing? What are all the answers, where are all the fucking answers. 

Ive never had the confidence to do something unconventional. Ive always been so scared. So scared that if i didnt have it all, i wouldnt be happy. So now that i have it all, am i? 

I feel pathetic. and i find myself hating myself. I think im tired. Tyler says im always tired. He says ive been tired for as long as ive known him...

What does that say? Is that even related to this job?

I think im getting better though. at dealing with the dissapointment.

Today me and tyler were both hanging on a string. I think i was doing ok and he snapped at me. and then we were both not ok. He had a bad week and all his plans fell through so he was upset and moping around the house. I tried to go somewhere with him but then we both lost it in the car. I found myself feeling very similar to how it was in the beginning when i worked at dominican. When he had (and still doesnt really have) the capacity to deal with me being so upset. We could not be more opposites in terms of dealing with work, and stress. I needed someone to council me to sooth me. To want to understand. I wanted someone to ask me what exactly happened and what the situation was. I wanted him to tell me it was ok- but to actually take a look at the situation.

I know he thinks he doesnt need to look at the situation, because he believes in me and thinks im over reacting overall. But i just see him brushing it off completely. In fact, he probably is cause he fucking hates talking about work. IT triggers him into some sort of spiral. talking about my work, his work. Hed rather not address it at all and act like it doesnt exist. All these work problems.

In many ways hes right though. It doesnt matter. If you treat it for what it is.. it shouldnt make me worried. In fact, i shouldnt even be talking about it right now. I shouldnt bring it up because its not importaint in our lives. Unfortunately for me i still think work is importaint to me.

Maybe i need to put efforts in something more personal. Something that could actually help me feel good about what i do. I said this today but im having hard times remembering it. We count all our mistakes but none of the good things we fix. I think maybe i could count on my fingers all the mistakes ive made this year and last year. but i never even counted all the good things ive done in my job. I dont give myself that ever. 

[mugenloopdalove]

i want to preface this by saying i have good intentions AND i am not the best with wording things or getting the point across. take this message if it helps, delete it if it doesn’t! you are not obligated to reply to this either, and i also understand my mindset isn’t going to work for everyone. you can’t reply to anon asks privately, but you don’t have to post this if you don’t want to, either :)

i just want to say that the amount of engagement you get doesn’t matter. i want to see your stuff! i want to see you post about your self ships and your faves and all the things you like — but i also want to remind you that getting a bunch of asks doesn’t make you any less or more valid, okay?

i admit that i get not feeling wanted or accepted by the community (there are a SURPRISING number of people who feel this way, too) so i’m not trying to be like “grrr you’re being so negative! who cares?!?! just cheer up and be magically happy :)” bc it doesn’t work like that, unfortunately 😅 but i want to remind you that you also deserve your space in the community, so please don’t delete your blog over a lack of interactions.

whether you get one letter or many, you are just as equally loved and appreciated AND worthy of having a space online. there are definitely more popular blogs out there with many many interactions (i find myself envying them, too) but that does not make them better than you. besides, i find that the people who often send them asks are like, their friends anyways. (but i lack any in the comm, so.. 💀)

me personally, i often hold back from sending letters because i don’t know many of the popular sources and am afraid of making it ooc 💔 they have anons off and i don’t want them to be weirded out or reveal my blog, etc. but never ever have i not done it because i disliked the blog personally or anything. it does not mean anyone dislikes you or doesn’t care about your ships (honestly: even if nobody cared, you should still post about the things you like) but i will admit that it does feel nice to know some stranger put the effort into writing for you, that people like hearing your stuff, so i’m also sort of conflicted...

i don’t even know where i’m going with this 😅 but i just wanted to say, from one stranger to another, you are very much loved and appreciated. i understand it can be lonely and i am not trying to give you advice or be all like “you’re too sensitive” or nothing! i am just trying to say that i hear you and i hope you either get the interaction you want or learn to be okay with the lack of it. take care and please be more kind to yourself, i hope you do not spiral into negativity and self hatred. we are only here for so long, please be more kind to yourself if you can help it.

sending all my love (and a cold pillow) 💗

Thank you... Ive just really wanted engagement lately bc I've felt pretty dam lonely and having trouble coming up with new situations. My brains been kind of repeating the same stuff on loop and unless I luck out and get an f/o dream it's just the same stuff I've seen a million times before and I'm not sure how to get new thoughts.

I also... Frequently join communities and see everyone get way more love than me and it reminds me of growing up alone a lot. Jebeheb

I'm trying to make friends in to community rlly rlly hard I'm just. Shy and awkward hdhdhfhft. I want to talk to so many ppl but outside of like memes I'm scared to. Even letters I'm scared to bc I have like... No confidence in my writing jsjsjer it's one thing if I'm writing for myself but writing for someone else is scary.

Thank you though...maybe I just need to take a breath and a step back and maybe a break. I just don't know what to do for an escape other than self ship fhfudir I never formed a lot of coping mechanisms just fiction and lately it's been harder and harder for me to get that on my own and I want help from others

I know I shouldn't rely on engagement your right Abt that. I'm trying not to and this did help me feel better. I just wish I could get some help w getting new things in my brain I guess

[anxiousanteaterr]

therapy sucked the other day and the gross feeling carried over into today. its rough when i dig stuff up bc now i gotta go do my job and exist n shit till my next appointment, and bettering myself is going to be hard when my depression is on high alert bc im in the process of taking the reins from it.

the good thing tho is that im learning more about myself. and a lot of what ive learned is actively playing a role in making me feel bad lmao.

i never really stopped to look at how bad my self confidence was because 1. It hurts. and 2. its... all ive ever known. Its been dog shit for as long as i can remember. From being bullied since middle school and from everything my parents told me growing up. All I know is to be too hard on myself. To ignore taking care of myself emotionally, brush off compliments and not take them, automatically accept insults as the truth, and to just sweep all the feelings under the rug because thats just... what ive always had to do. I even trained myself to punish myself when I try to address it. When I try to take care of myself mentally and to be kind to myself and have hope and pride. Even the most basic shit like "this is a real skill set that i have" is met with a mental block and a deep seated anger that gives me urges to physically hurt myself because im... idk, seeing myself in a positive light?? I can't really let myself feel anything in any decent intensity without immediately punishing myself for it.

And it hurts. And it makes me mad because I know better than that, and I have this intense ache that is begging me to allow myself to feel and just be. To let me feel angry. To let me hold grudges. To let me have regret. To let me forgive. And most importantly, to let me love myself in all aspects. Realizing I was trans and transitioning gave me such an intense high because for ONCE in my life I was truly loving myself in literally any fucking capaicty, and seeing myself in a positive light. So now that part of me (really just my true self) is just so desperate to keep going. To keep opening doors and let myself be human. I keep holding myself back because I was punished so many times as a child to NOT feel. To not defend myself. To not be angry with people. To not laugh too loud or act silly. To not make mistakes. But its just been too much of that. 26 years and im at my fucking limit. My canines are sinking into the metal bars of the cage I locked myself into, and despite the pain I am busting out of this cage. I'm just glad im fortunate enough to actively be in therapy for all of this, so I can safely come out of the cage.

It's also funny bc i realized one of the reasons i act so kind and be nice and friendly is because of how much i deny myself that own kindness. And how much I was denied it by my peers and my biggest support group (my parents) as a child. I hate it when i get angry and snap and lash out because it reminds me of how often I was on the recieving end of that. Hell, I tear up when I see parents yell at their kids at the store. I just don't want anyone to ever experience what I did, so I give and give, and smile and joke around as often as I can because I so desperately wish that I could have gotten the same.

But I am human after all, so I will get angry, and I will lash out. And I will get disappointed. And feel regret. And make mistakes. And I just gotta remind myself that thats ok! I can do these things and feel the full extent of them! Its not the end of the world when it happens. I just gotta learn how to keep it in check so when I do act human, its not blown out of proportion.

Finally, I have to really work on the self-confidence thing of "im not a failure". I'm in a specific situation where literally everyone I know irl who is "successful", has done the basic societal shit: got great grades, went thru college, and is working "a real, professional job". I did -and am doing- none of those things! lmao. And despite me not genuinely regretting it bc its saved me money and stress, its v hard to not let those societal norms make you feel worthless bc youre not fitting into the mold. I also have real bad exectutive function that will most likely go untreated forever, so I have to remind myself to not beat myself up over THAT bc its something i cannot control. I AM doing my best, and it WILL be enough. And life progresses pretty slowly, I have until the day I drop dead to do whatever the fuck I want. I should stick to my guns and take my sweet time.

[outofcontexturi]

Sat 21 jan 2023 04:48am journal

life is a weird one. I’m on a toilet high as shit and I have work at like 8am. I just saw a hand wash with the slogan 3 hour protection and I think that’s what I need right now. I feel anxious for some reason. I can feel it. I’m doing breathing exercises now. That was a really long minute. It’s only 4:50am. I feel like I’ve been here forever fucking hell lmaooo. I have Beyoncé playing in my head that cuff it remix. It’s good song to be fair. This shit is just so real man. There’s times when I can’t live with myself and when I want to go away. I miss honey and that’s the honest truth. sometimes I just wish you cared but you don’t and this may be so embarrassing for me when I wake up or whatevrrr when I’m sobering up but it needs to be said because it’s the truth. I think I’m having a breakdown in real time or at least a good fucking cry. I need to see some good days man. Life is hard for the kid rn I can’t lie. These last two weeks have been difficult. The early morning wake ups. Reminds me of that Kendrick and sampha song Father Time. Which is so interesting because time just seems to keep moving slow. I think I’m tired. Cause I keep struggling to find words to say. I feel like this a cosmically funny moment. I don’t know if this is an ego death either. But I must admit I’m changing and I guess I’m just having a hard time accepting that as something that’s part of life. Sometimes I wish I could just be younger again. Not having to worry so much about things but that’s not life man. Life is gonna take you on these journeys and you just have to be ready to enjoy the ride I guess. I’m still in/on this toilet. This is gonna be a long trip man. Metaphorically and literally. God willing the latter is more favourable than the present moment. It’s a feeling of somber I’d say. It’s quite comforting listening to myself type. You learn a lot about yourself when you sit and breathe. You learn what type of man you are. But that also comes in high pressure situations too. Sometimes I feel lost. Like I don’t know if what I’m doing is right. I feel like I have to get things right. Omg this is self therapy. Whew. Let’s try not to cry. I feel lost though man. I go to drama school for crying out loud and yesterday I thought to myself “is acting for me?” and I sit here at 05055am make that 06 now thinking the same thought. There’s just so much that goes into this industry and it’s scaring. I feel drama school has shaped me in a way. There’s just things I didn’t ever see myself doing that I’ve done and it’s just so weird. I really have to ride this high out. There’s just a part of me thats aware now. It’s like as you grow older you get this new sense of awareness about life and how to handle it but I think that’s scary. I need some motivation again. Life feels a bit dark these days. I don’t see much sun and the coldness of London’s bite is enough to put me off life in a way. I genuinely do not know what life is right now. I just so high rn. You have to be here to see it thru my boy. See it thru my boy. Life is so cringe inducing but fuck man someone needs to live it. I don’t wanna feel what I just felt. I really love my mum. I can’t lie I love the woman to bits. She’s had such a hard time and I just want to make her proud and actually let her know that I love her dearly as much as she annoys me when she sends me at impromptu times. I hate when she does that but other than that’s that’s my mum. My mother. Mama. My heart is broken. She paid £75 to get my teeth cleaned and shit like she didn’t have to do that but she did. She’s a mother man. I don’t think ive deeped how much you’ve done in life. I’m proud of you. You may have opinions that a strictly your own but you are my mother and I do love you. It’s currently 5:24am and I’m still not that good. I feel my heart is broke. I need to talk to someone. I want to talk to God. I’ll be right back. Sign out time : 05:26am

[prettyboykatsuki]

Hey Ari. This might be kind of a weird and obvious question? But do you think having a partner has kind of influenced how you look at love? Because I don’t know, you post your thoughts about it a lot and I’ve always been more cynical about people and their intentions and romantic relationships in general because of personal stuff, but I also have never had someone like your boyfriend myself, and I’ve never had someone love me like that I don’t think I ever will because I’m me. I guess what I’m asking is how do you manage to always see life and love as so beautiful?

HI!!!!!

this isn't weird at all. i think in general i get this question a lot and for good reason since generally i have a very optimistic view of the world which is very ironic. i want to be clear im a very flawed person with many things that i personally struggle with especially in love. i struggle a lot with letting people know me or getting to know people. if we talk consistently im putting in a lot of effort bc i have a tendency for solitude. i love the people i talk to very deeply.

my boyfriends influence on my life has been profound. while i'd be devestated if we ever broke up, i think i would still be okay in the long run. before he's that i think he's the person i trust and care about more than any single person in the entire world because he is a profoundly loving partner. but he's also a good, kind, capable person.

i was also under the impression for a long time that i would never find love. there were many points in my relationships where i self-sabotaged because i felt undeserving. i had such a negative image and such a limited self-worth. even when i put in so much effort for so much of my life i couldn't push past the idea that i was a horrible human being. and i didnt want that from him. i tried leaving more than once in a very irrational low.

but i remember at a very low point in my relationship my boyfriend said something like "you trust me with every other choice ive made except loving you" and it completely shifted my view point. he was so right. why was it that i could let him do everything but love me?

ive always beeen enamored with romance. but allowing someone to love me without condition is still very hard because i don't know if i believe im a good person. my biggest lesson for people like that, like me - is that love is not something you earn or ask for. and compassion for life is something you develop with time.

when you find love, the hard part is not loving. it is letting yourself be recognized, acknowledged, cared for. to let someone scold you and know they will still love you the next day. acceptance that you will make mistakes and when you do - it's your responsibility to learn and grow from them. you are born with flaws and you will have flaws until you are dead.

and a persons choice to love you, really love you means that you understand they know that and you work on yourself because you love them too.

love, most of all, is an acknowledgement of a persons agency. their wholeness. when you acknowledge people that way and life that way - you learn peoples treatment of you is reflective of that wholeness. and the only way to see someone and love them is facing the challenge of your own life - you get me?

the best way to believe in love and celebrate life for me was to remember how having hope in my heart has helped me want to live. love and compassion and celebrating the world has helped me heal that discontent in my heart.

you have to learn to stop looking for the exit if you want to live a warm life. my boyfriends consistency was a blessing, but i also worked very hard to reach that in myself.

nothing about me is engimatic. im just one of my many and i think you will also be capable of love and being loved so completely.

i dont consider myself a very warm or bright person. but with time and patience and a lot of self-reflection - i came to terms with the only way to live life for me was to see it with compassion and empathy. i think love saved my life, and love for living is the only thing that helped my grow. it's all about my mindset, and my boyfriend has contributed greatly to changing that mindset.

but most of who i am started with me. it takes time and willpower. ive dedicated much of my life to the cause of wielding love. if you dont know about relationships, you can always start at you. but really there's nothing special about it.

[inotanzen]

hiii! i really admire your art skills. and the fact that you improved so much in just 6 months is inspiring! do you have any tips on how to improve? i'm 26 and i want to improve but i feel like ive neglected my art for so long and now it's too late. :(

THANK YOU SO SO MUCH OMG ?? oh man i’m so bad with feeling and gratitude but this seriously means more than i can express so i worked really, really hard on narrowing down my best tips! so here’s

Eli’s Top 5 Rules To Be a Totally Cool Awesome Badass Artist In As Long As It’s Going To Take (In Order) :

Most important rule of all is it should be FUN. be disgustingly self indulgent, draw what you want and LOVE, not what you think you should or what everyone else is, or how everyone else is! don’t vibe with doing sketches first? hate lining? despise complicated painting styles? find shortcuts, don’t do them!!! if you’re doing digital maybe draw your sketches traditionally first and scan them/take a photo to draw over, try a lineless style, cel shading, or mixing mediums, the options are endless! this is where your “style” will come from. all “style” is, is an artists shorthand.

You are your only competition. never compare your progress to anyone but your past self, it’s not a race in terms of how good you are at X age after X amount of time spent practicing. i saw it illustrated in this comic a few years ago (that made me cry at the time, because i hadn’t started drawing yet) as seeing your skills as a beautiful potted plant- just because some people are walking around with theirs fully grown and thriving, doesn’t mean your little sprout will stay small forever. just be patient, keep watering it, and eventually, it’ll be a beautiful flower all your own. ❀

Use references Obsessively. this includes tracing! (ethically) there’s a ton of resources out there, redraws of frames from movie or shows are great too! play around with it, try using the perspective but change the style or turn it into a character au for a fandom you love. (this is part of that first tip!) mashing together images past the point of original intelligibility is acceptable as well. the goal isn’t to obsess over accuracy or stop using references altogether though, just to use them differently over time.

Inspiration/motivation won’t be gone forever. don’t force yourself to practice drawing, or you’ll end up resenting it altogether. i’ve had my tablet and pencil since january but i say 6 months bc there were two (almost three) entire months where i had no inspiration and just did Nothing. take time to consume new media for ideas or look at what inspires you instead! keep folders of the things you find most appealing to pull up when you need them. art can be a freeing escape if you allow it to be!

Look at art you admire and think about Why you admire it. why does it look good, what catches your eye most? is it the colors? the lighting? the shapes and perspective? the varied line thicknesses or the overall layout composition? everything can be broken down into components, hone in on the ones you like most and try to emulate them. we’re all just flowing down the stream of shared inspiration together. :)

bonus digital art tip: you will always need more layers than you think you do. give each element its own layer like it’s the most introverted mf you’ve ever met, i swear on everything good in this cursed world you will thank me later. layer/item selection and transform are your best goddamn friends for life.

there’s also a lot of art related posts in this tag and on my art twitter ♡ thank you endlessly again and good luck on your journey!!

[17wishbones]

“Mugen Train” was such a treat that I HAD to write some short stories with the infamous, focused, and amazing Flame Pillar, Rengoku Kyōjurō. Easily one of my favorite characters. His handsome, flamboyant self needed juuust a smidge of more screen time and it would have been perfect.

S/N: Majority of my fanfics will be written towards women of color. Big FYI. Otherwise, enjoy.

- - - - - - - -  ______________________________________

                                         Kimetsu no Yaiba: Flame Eternal

                               Chapter I: OVERWHELMING CONFESSION

“Good morning, Sunflower!”

“Kyōjurō, please!” You whispered through clenched teeth, “You can’t be scaring me this early in the morning.” The Fire Hashira, Rengoku Kyōjurō, surprised you with a greeting by hanging his head down from the rooftop of the Butterfly Estate.

“My apologies! I wanted to see you as soon as I could.” He jumped down with one hand behind his back. “Congratulations on becoming a Hashira! You have worked hard to get where you are, and that you should be proud of yourself!”

The fire in his eyes burned bright as always. He didn’t know it yet, but he was a driving force in you making it to the ranks, and it wasn’t easy. At all. You were a rare sight in Japan. Everyone still thought of you as a foreigner. No matter how good your Japanese was, not many could understand the concept that people of different colors could be a native to this country.

You have fought for acceptance for a long time, and with the rise of demons, that put unneeded targets on your back. Just like the others, you lost your family to them, and it was but the anger in your heart that brought you here - to avenge those who were killed by demons. You didn’t know if you really had what it took.

Kind and supportive words from Rengoku Kyōjurō had changed a couple of the most important minds, but others were not so keen on the idea. You pushed yourself every day, working and training day in and day out until your body shook with aches. You honestly wanted to give up many times, and tried, but there was someone always pulling you back and helping you to your feet.

“That’s because of you, Kyōjurō.”

He shook his head. “It’s because of you, Sunflower! With perseverance and vigor, you made it through Final Selection and achieved your goals in order to be a Hashira! Therefore, I wanted to be one of the first to congratulate you!”

The confidence and support of his words always made you get “butterflies” in your stomach and your cheeks warm beneath your brown skin. “Stop! You’re making me blush but,” you bowed, “Thank you, Kyōjurō, for everything.”

You had locked your hair months before you trained for the Final Selection. Your hair had been on as much of a journey as you had. It reached down to the shoulder blades. And with these locs, you were in need of a floral decoration to commemorate this special day as you donned your uniform. 

“Now, to get a sunflower-”

“Right!” He handed a small bouquet of sunflowers, your favorite flower that he nicknamed you back during those harsh training days. “For you, _____!”

“Ah!” You received his early morning gift with glee. “Kyōjurō, you shouldn’t have!” One smell and you were hooked. “Thank you so much!” You set them down in the room Shinobu offered you to stay in. You clipped one off and wrapped it up on the left side of your head. “How do I look?”

He looked at you, surprised at first, and then with an ear-to-ear smile. “As beautiful as always, _____!” 

You felt your heart thumping throughout your chest. His words of sincerity always made you feel like you belonged. Not to mention, his fiery gaze upon you held true when he spoke to and of you. “You’re much too kind, Kyōjurō.” Before you attended to your face, Kyōjurō was already before you, wiping away your falling tears.

“You’re crying. What’s wrong?”

Whenever your world began crumbling, he was there and ready to help you get through any self-doubt. He ended up being a shoulder to cry on when you least expected it. He rose to Hashira-dom before you, and yet didn’t leave you behind. You owed him something in return. “N-nothing! I’m happy.” You took hold of his wrists, lowering his hands. “Though I wonder how I’ll ever be able to show you my gratitude.”

“Hmph!” He clasped your hands in one swift motion and stared longingly into your coffee-colored eyes. “Marry me, _____!”

You deadpanned.

Nature filled in the silence.

“I said, “Marry me, _____!”

Your mouth dropped wide open, “MARRY YOU!?” 

“Yes! Do you accept?”

“Wait, wait, wait!” You drew back your hands and stepped back. You rubbed your temples, momentarily confused. Stumped. Dumbfounded. “This is a test of some sort, right? A little bit of an early morning joke to keep me on my toes?”

He laughed heartily. “Not at all!” He locked his gaze on you as he crossed his arms over his chest. “I know that you will make a great wife!”

“Kyōjurō, I’m not like you or the others, as clear as they have made it in the past. I wouldn’t want to hinder you or mess up your reputation.”

“Our Master has allowed you to apply to become a Hashira; you worked hard to become a Hashira; and you have become more than a great friend to me. No matter what anyone else says, I have accepted you.” He closed in and held your hands once more. “I knew since training, to which you promised me your hand in marriage.”

“Eh!? You remembered that!?” You questioned. 

“When I saw you at training for the first time. I knew that I had to make you mine! I have waited for this day for a long time. So, I will ask you again. _____.”

You gulped. “Yes, Kyōjurō?”

“Will you do me the honor of marrying me?”

“I-I,” your hands were clammy and your world started to spin. ‘What are you going to say? He asked you to marry him! Look, look! So what if you fed him a sweet potato every Friday and fell into his arms a few times? You need to let him down softly. Yeah! That’s it! Just refuse his proposal! He’ll understand-” Your mouth opened before you could finish. “Yes…?” You paused. ‘Bitch, did you just--?’

His aura suddenly grew hot around you both. “Then I promise to make you happy, to protect you, to guide you, and to love you until death!” With overwhelming confessions like this, how could you refuse?

“That’s great! But shouldn’t we--” You made a fatal mistake. “Kyōjurō?” You blinked. “Oh no!” He was gone in a flash! “Kyōjurō, wait!” You shouted as you dashed out of the Butterfly Estate. You only got a quick glimpse of his flaming haori, but he was still so fast! You thought you possibly had him when you ran into the other Hashira, assembled for the Pillar Meeting.

“Ah, _____! I was just about to come and get you for the meeting.” Shinobu came before you with her usually endearing smile. “Congratulations on becoming a Hashira. It’s been a long time since we’ve had anyone enter into the ranks, and for it to be someone as unique as you says something.”

“As if! You were only able to join because of Rengoku, and nothing else.” Obanai hissed from atop a tree branch. You really hated his guts.

“But you can’t deny her strength. She did kill fifty demons in a year and a half. That’s at least impressive, right?” Tengen remarked. He was a nice guy, in a way, so you liked him.

Shinazugawa pointed his sword at you. “As long as she doesn’t get in the way of me killing demons, I could care less.” 

‘And I could care less myself.’ You thought with a frown on your lips.

Mitsuri was at least nice enough to give you a smile and a wave. “You look so pretty in your uniform, _____!” You liked her the most, along with Shinobu.

Giyuu and Muichiro didn’t speak on the matter.

“Thank you to those most kind, and to the others, you’ll just have to get used to seeing me like I have to get used to seeing you. Anyways, I came here looking for Rengoku. Did he pass by yet?”

“By pass by, do you mean standing at the top of the roof behind you?” Tengen pointed out.

You looked confused as you turned around and felt your face just fall into shock as you saw him proudly standing on the rooftop - again - with a wide smile on his lips. “Kyōjurō!”

He gently took hold of you at the waist when you landed in front of him. “I’ve got you, Sunflower!” His eyes burned brighter than they ever had before, and the aura he exuded could be felt from miles away. “Everyone!” He turned to the Hashira below. “Let us welcome _____, our new Hashira, and my soon-to-be wife, to the team!” Everyone’s face cracked. “Treat her like she’s one of our own!”

Really, what would you do without this flamboyant Hashira?

- - - - - - - -

Chapter: I | II | III | IV | V | VI | VII (Part 1) / (Part 2) / (Part 3)

[yesttoheaven]

AMOR FATI

pairing – neil x female!reader

wc – 3.8k

warnings – mention of death, self-blame, anxious/intrusive thoughts, questioning reality, refusal of help, guns, stalking, but I swear there's a light at the end of the tunnel haha

a/n – The last time I suffered so hard for the death of a character, was when Newt died (Maze Runner) and now Neil has captured all my attention and his death has hit me in the same way 😩 I needed a happy ending so I decided to write this!

The Eternal Return and Amor Fati mentioned in this fic are one of the main ideas of Nietzsche's philosophy.

English is not my first language. I am getting help from google translator and he is not always a good ally, so I apologize for any typos or grammar errors.

Y/N – your name

She approached the painting hanging on the wall, watching the details closely. Ouroboros. A serpent eating its own tail. Months ago, when Y/N was visiting an antique store in Mumbai, she saw that same symbol. The owner of the establishment approached when she realized her interest in the piece and explained that Ouroboros represents the ideas of movement, continuity and, in consequence, Eternal Return. A concept that the universe and all existence and energy has been recurring, and will continue to recur, in a self-similar form an infinite number of times across infinite time or space.

"Max finally fell asleep." Kat returned to the living room, attracting Y/N's attention.

She walked away from the painting, taking back her seat on the sofa and asked:

"How is he after everything that happened?"

For a moment, Kat looked at the painting on the wall and then at the friend she won in the midst of confusion over the Algorithm. At that time, despite being fighting on the front lines to prevent a possible Third World War, Y/N seems complete. Happy. Today that happiness no longer exists in her eyes.

Letting out a sigh, the woman sat next to her, answering:

"Sator was never a present father. He was always busy... now i can see the kind of work he was involved in. Anyway, Max just got used to his absence."

"It's notable that he's happier at your side. When we first met Max was a bit of an introvert, but today he is radiant." Y/N confessed, showing a small smile and the blonde shook her head, agreeing with her words. "How's everything?"

"Perfectly well. It's weird sometimes... After years of being stuck in a failed relationship, freedom is good."

"It seems like life is good for one of us." The woman let out a bitter laugh, putting the latest events on a scale, but she didn’t want her friend to think she wasn’t happy for her. She really was. "I'm sorry, I just..." The words remain stuck in her throat, while she covers her face with her hands. In addition to physical and mental fatigue, Y/N tried to hide her grief.

Kat touched her shoulder, showing that she was here.

"I know you're hurt, but it's been three months and you never talked about what happened that day... This is not good for you."

"What do I have to say, Kat? The guy I fell in love with was a fucking time traveler! And now he's dead and I don't know what to do. My life just... stopped without him."

"I can imagine how difficult it's for you to cross that line without Neil at your side, but giving up is not an option. Grief is consuming you little by little and you are just accepting it..."

"We are trained to contain our emotions and deal with death in the best possible way. It used to be easy for me, but then he came and turned my life upside down." Y/N put her hands on her knees and stood up, walking without an exact destination. "Neil was always one step ahead of us all..." She stepped forward too and found the painting again, but her mind was lost in thoughts about him. Neil knew her so well. And he had a charming smile, but completely arrogant at the same time. "I was sent to Mumbai to help two agents and when I arrived at Priya's penthouse that night, there he was. When he saw me, that was the first and only time that he let his guard down. I'll never forget how he looked at me, it was one of those breathtaking moments... Completely cliché, I know."

On the sofa, Kat was impressed. When Y/N turned towards her, there was a bright smile on her face. The simple memory brought her a breath of happiness and Kat enjoyed seeing her friend like that, but unfortunately that moment did not last long. Memories aren't enough. Neil is dead and nothing can change that.

"I miss him so much, Kat." The smile disappeared as soon as tears appeared in her eyes, cascading down her cheeks.

"My dear..." Worried about her, the woman got up quickly and approached Y/N, wrapping her in a tight hug. "I'm really sorry."

"I spent the last three months locked up in my a-apartment because I thought I could handle this situation on my own. At times I b-believed it was just a fever dream... Maybe I was losing my mind, but this is proof that everything was real." Through tears blurring her vision, she looked at the watch on her wrist, remembering that night.

Y/N was in a private cabin on the ship. The others were with Ives and Wheeler, going over the mission in search of any loose ends. A standard procedure. Y/N knew she should be with them, but she needed a moment alone to organize her thoughts. And that moment is now. The past few weeks had been a real mess. The inversion was difficult to explain and mainly to understand. She was used to field missions, but being an inverted soldier on the battlefield was not in her plans. Either way, she agreed to be a part of it and running away with biased assumptions was not going to help. Humanity depends on them.

Three knocking on the door caught Y/N's attention, but she remained silent, waiting for the person to give up and leave, but when it didn't, she just murmured 'Come in'.

"So, here you are." The man used a surprised tone of voice and closed the door behind him. "What will our superior think when he learns that you are running away from the briefing?"

She let out a laugh before answering in the same mood:

"Don't worry, I know this mission like the back of my hand. I just needed a moment."

"There's something wrong? Are you ok?" Neil spilled the questions quickly, visibly concerned for her.

"Yeah, I'm fine, Neil." Y/N smiled at him, but looked away just seconds later, confessing: "Maybe I'm a little surprised by the situation. I have spent years dealing with terrorists, but the inversion is really not my point."

"I'm not good with advice, but someone once said to me: Don't try to understand. Certain things in the world do not need an explanation."

"It's wise advice, but I'm a methodical person. Logic has always been my ally in missions."

"A methodical person, huh?" He asked with an arrogant smile playing on his lips and she just rolled her eyes. "I know how worried you were when Sator shot Kat, but we are using the inversion to save the world and you're one of the most brilliant agents I have ever seen. Everything will be fine."

"Are you praising me?"

"What's that? Can't I praise my partner's talent?" Neil pulled up a chair to sit across from her, crossing his arms.

"In that case, thank you. Remind me to put this on my resume." Those words made him laugh and that sound could easily be compared to music in her ears.

Touching her knee, Neil added:

"We are very confident with the mission. You don't need to worry."

"Are you sure?"

"I cannot say that unforeseen events do not happen, but we are prepared for that." Y/N knew he was right, but this mission is the biggest one so far. It's not about saving a country. It's about saving the entire world. This was arousing insecurities in her and it was like walking in a minefield. Ironically, she was familiar with this, but not in such catastrophic proportions. "I want you to have this." The man took his watch off his wrist and handed it to her.

"What’s that supposed to mean?" The question came out as a whisper from between her lips.

It didn't make sense. Why does everything in this conversation look like a farewell?

"We will be on opposite sides tomorrow, but i want you to know... I will always be with you, Y/N."

"I saw the way he looked at you... That's how I used to look at Sator before he became a monster in my life." Kat started, running a hand through Y/N's hair. "When I was lying on that stretcher and partially drugged with the medicines, I saw him beside you... watching you sleep. There was so much love in his eyes. Love for a lifetime, Y/N. So don't do this to yourself. The way he left hurt us all, but there was nothing you or any other agent could do to change what happened at Stalask-12. Neil saved the world. This gave us a second chance. You cannot give up now. This organization needs you. And keeping your mind busy at that moment is the first step towards a fresh start."

"N-No, I can't..." She broke the hug, shaking her head in denial. "I left the organization."

"What? Don't you work for Tenet anymore? But when we first met you told me that you can't imagine working in another area... And that this is your life's work."

"Being an agent is my life's work. I was in Yemen when Tenet found me and assigned me to this mission. My only job is to make this world a less hostile place, but the motto of this organization is not what I believe, Kat. What's happened's happened. Really? It doesn't work for me." Y/N ended the sentence with drops of anger in her voice and Kat did not say a single word.

Through the newspapers, Max's mother followed what was happening in Yemen over the years – a real endless war – and knowing that Y/N was in the middle of it, makes the situation unquestionable. People died in front of her eyes. Friends of the corporation. And then some time later, Tenet arrived with a fresh start, but in the end everything remained the same. She lost Neil. It is as if her life's work never had a happy ending because the world will never stop being a hostile place.

"He knows?" It was easy for Y/N to identify who she was talking about. The Protagonist. Or just TP.

"Here's another problem. I worked with him and indirectly worked for him at the same time! God, that man created this organization! And his name remains a mystery to us all!" She pinched the tip of her nose, feeling frustrated with all the secrets that haunt this organization. "And answering your question, yes, he knows, but he did not argue about it. I was a complete mess and he was not doing very well either... He stayed in my apartment for the first month, probably to make sure I didn't do anything stupid." And Y/N would be forever grateful for that. She likes him. Just as friends, of course. TP was a reserved man, but it was he who held her when everything was falling apart. "But we've had a fight. I blamed him for what happened at Stalask-12 and since then we haven't spoken anymore."

It was easy to see that they carried more pain than they could actually bear. Y/N lost her great love and the man lost his best friend. The situation just turned into a conflict between them and that was the result.

Realizing the sadness reflected in Y/N's eyes, Kat decided to change the subject of the conversation. Keeping that thought, she smiled and pointed to the painting on the wall. Maybe that could help.

"You seemed interested in this one."

"Oh yes, in my spare time I am a lover of art and its meanings. It is really attractive the way Ouroboros is connected to the Eternal Return..."

"And Amor Fati too." Kat completed, piquing Y/N's curiosity. This part was new to her. "It's impossible to affirm the Eternal Return without loving life. We need to learn that things happen as they do. Sometimes seemingly good. Sometimes seemingly bad. We don’t always get it our way... Unless we choose that whatever way it is, is our way. When we choose to Amor Fati, to love everything that happens, to love our fate, then we will always get it our way. Because the way it is, is the way it is. Unchangable. And therefore it must be good, even if it sucks."

These words touched Y/N's heart. This was a contradiction to what she is experiencing right now. Love your fate. She would like to understand and accept what happened, she really wanted, but why is it so difficult to move on?

Because Neil is dead.

That was the only explanation for her. The end of a relationship would be more acceptable. If he were alive, things would be completely different now. However, grief is overwhelming. How could she just accept what happened?

"I... I gotta go." That was all she managed to say before picking up her bag and leave the penthouse, ignoring Kat's protests.

When the elevator doors closed, an exhausted sigh left her mouth and the instant she saw her reflection in the mirror, Y/N wanted to cry again. After three months alone, she thought visiting her friend would be a good idea. Kat was willing to help, but the problem was that Y/N is not allowing herself to be helped. As soon as the doors opened, she left the metal box and found the hotel lobby partially empty. Her watch showed it was 3:13 AM, this explains the absence of people on the street as well. In front of her car, she searched the bag for the key and coincidentally her cell phone started to vibrate. Probably the text messages were from Kat, but confusion hit Y/N the instant she looked at the identifier and saw that the messages did not belong to any of her contacts.

Stay away from the car

They put a bomb

I'm on my way

Her first reaction was to take a few steps back and look around, trying to understand what’s going on and find the person responsible for these texts, but Y/N was alone in the dark street. When she thought it might be an unnecessary prank, a black SUV approached at high speed. The car stopped just a few meters away from where she was, but that was enough to make her body freeze.

"Y/N, come on!" The man exclaimed, the urgency in his voice would have made her run immediately, but she didn't move. Her feet had frozen on the floor. This cannot be real. "Come on, get in the car! We don't have much time!" He tried again, it was possible to hear the sound of the other cars approaching.

Y/N watched in slow motion the moment he left the car and ran towards her, wrapping his arms around her waist.

"How is this possible?" She asked in a whisper, completely lost in his blue eyes.

"It's good to see you too." Neil admitted, feeling his heart race. She looked so fragile in his arms. Very different from the last time he saw her. "We have to go." He accompanied her to the car and as soon as Y/N took the passenger seat, he returned to his seat.

For her this moment was like a fever dream, so she just looked down and started counting her fingers. One, two, three, four, five... Neil noticed, but said nothing, just kept driving. The cars were fast approaching, but he would do everything possible and impossible to get Y/N away from these people.

"Give me your cell phone." He looked at her for a brief moment, but when Y/N didn’t react, he wasn't sure if she heard it, so he just took the phone from her hand and threw it out the window. That was enough to get her out of the numbness:

"What the fuck, Neil?!"

Despite the adrenaline rushing through his body, the man laughed.

"If I found you because of your cell phone, they can too." After that, he crossed the red light and made a risky turn, trying to end this chase. "Before you ask, no, this is not a dream. Unfortunately this is very real..." Neil didn't like what he saw when he adjusted the rearview mirror. "And now they are getting ready to shoot us."

That observation put Y/N on alert and she looked back, seeing a man with an AKS-74U and another with a Beretta M12.

"If you knew it wasn't a dream, why didn't you bring an armored car?" She ran her tongue between her lips, smiling at the man beside her. Neil tried to argue, but she just took off her seat belt and picked up the Glock 19 stuck in the vest he was wearing.

Y/N crawled out of the car and sat at the window opening. This encouraged the men in the two cars to start shooting, trying desperately to hit her. Neil shouted something that she couldn't understand and then she felt one of his hands on her thigh, giving her stability to continue with the plan. With her arm resting on the roof of the vehicle, Y/N aimed the gun at the car that was closest to them. Her intention was not to start a firefight in the middle of one of the main avenues in the city, but she had no other option. Holding her breath, she fired the first shot and the bullet hit the tire, taking the car out of circulation. Y/N celebrated while preparing for the second car, but dealing with this one was not an easy task. Now they were in a tunnel and, consequently, losing speed because of the other cars that came along the way. Neil left two pats on her leg, indicating that she had better get back in the car and that is what she did. Screams, honks and gunshots echoed through the tunnel, turning the place into a war zone. Whoever these men were, Y/N knew they weren't going to give up.

Tired of playing cat and mouse, she went to the back seat, getting on her knees. Through the broken glass above the trunk, Y/N adjusted the aim of her gun, ignoring the sniper and focusing on the driver. With another accurate shot, the bullet hit the man's chest and he lost control of the vehicle. The car overturned for a while, streaking the asphalt, but no other car was involved in the accident. Y/N sighed in relief and looked for another possible threat, just checking, but when she realized that the area was clean, she returned to the passenger seat, leaving the gun on the dashboard in front of her.

"Next time I'm going to get an armored car." Neil comments, stepping on the gas. "Nice shot, by the way."

"Anytime." Y/N smiled, trying to control her breathing.

With the adrenaline disappearing from her body, it was hard for her to believe that this was really happening. For many nights she cried, wondering what it would be like if Neil just came back to her, but now she was afraid to wake up and realize that it was just another vivid dream.

The sun was rising when they arrived in a shed away from the city. Seen from the outside, the place was a little scary, but the interior wasn't that bad. There was some equipment like trackers, walkie-talkie, bulletproof vests, weapons, ammunition; a table with a mess of papers and on the other side two beds and something that Y/N supposed to be a private bathroom.

"Where we are?"

We. That simple word echoed in her mind. Y/N thought that "we" didn't exist anymore.

"For now in a safe place. It's dangerous for you out there." He answered the question and took a bottle of water, handing it to her after taking a generous sip.

"Who are these people, Neil?" She wanted answers, lots of answers, and that frustrated the british spy because for the first time he didn't know what could happen.

Neil had a mission and that mission ended with him dying in Stalask-12, but after what TP did, everything changed.

"We have a name..." He wanted to say more, he wanted to reassure her, but that was all he had at the moment.

Y/N drank some water and left the bottle on the table, looking at some reports and photos. All photos were of the same man.

Lenard Vaher

"But apparently they don't just want you..."

It took a few seconds and when the realization hit Y/N, concern appeared on her face.

No, not him.

"Where's TP? He's safe, right?"

"He was going to see you when Lenard's men kidnapped him. This happened three weeks ago." And considering the anger in Neil's voice, finding TP was proving an almost impossible task, but in the midst of so much concern, one point attracted Y/N's attention.

"You said he was going to see me..."

"There was something he needed to tell you." Neil sighed, resting his hands on the table. A few strands of blond hair fell over his forehead, but he quickly shook his head back, as he always did. "He returned to Stalask-12, Y/N."

After that statement, the only sound that could be heard was Neil's footsteps closing the distance between them and the first thing she did was put her hand on his chest, feeling his heartbeat. Neil smiled. And that was not one of his famous smiles. That was a shy smile. His heart was beating like a drum and it was all because of her. Loving Y/N was something so special and pure, that Neil accepted his fate without a second thought. Saving the world, he was giving her a second chance to live, but now he is the one who received a second chance.

"I missed you every day." Before she could begin to consider the meaning behind his words, he settled his mouth upon hers, robbing her of thought.

She closed her eyes and melted against him, flattening her hands on his arms. Neil caught her bottom lip in his teeth, nibbling and licking at it until she thought she might perish from the intensity of the feeling. She whimpered at the sensation, and he rewarded the sound by deepening the kiss, giving her everything she desired. His tongue stroked hers, slow and insistent. A lush, decadent pleasure unfolded within them, snaking through their veins as though it had lain coiled in anticipation for years.

Just waiting for this moment.

––––––––––––––––––––––––

a/n – really hope you enjoy it and thank you soooo much for reading ;)

[shoezuki]

cracks knuckles. i promised to elaborate and i will.

the one common perspective that everyone seems to be able to agree on is that techno / sbi + schlatt + tubbo + ranboo are just genuinely funnier than the dteam, and honestly yes it's because if the popularity. if you go back and watch the dteams older (im talking before 2-3mil subs) videos they are funnier than their current ones and i think it's because they're trying to shift their humor to a broader audience?

the minecraft community has always been mainly queer/poc/ndv kids because it was exiled away from "acceptable society" for so long that only the people who had already been "exiled" continued to enjoy it. I, as an example, stopped playing when it became a cringy thing because I was so worried about being seen as weird. now that ive discovered, come to terms with, and enjoy my queerness, i realize that if i had known i was queer back when mc was exiled i wouldve continued to play because i alrwady would have known what it was like to be part of that seperate society. (Please keep reading i promise I have a point)

but then minecraft came back. minecraft became mainstream again, and it came back HARD. watching it go from something that you would be bullied immensely for to something that you would be bullied for not doing was an extreme experience. in all honesty im still angry about it, but that's another topic. when minecraft became mainstream it brought with it all of the people that hadn't been part of the exiled societies yk? including... the dream team.

dream blew up. we all know how much he blew up. i personally dont believe he cheated on the speedrun but to each their own (although after reading your stuff and becoming more critical of them im realizing i might need to reexamine that), and the speedrun controversy brought even more people to his base (cough drama loving straight white girls cough).

when they were brought into the fanbase that's when it started to go downhill. they shifted their humor to fit that, or maybe their humor was always that and they just got more confident in showing it after they had gotten a fan base to back them up. which is also why techno / sbi + schlatt + tubbo + ranboo (who ill refer to just as techno&co now because he's the main one but also that's long as hell lmao) are funnier than them!

for one, their fanbases are smaller. now 5 mil is by no means a small number, but compared to dream's 16 mil? yknow. especially with techno's wack upload schedule he's never had to worry about having a stan fan base because the only people who stay are people who genuinely enjoy his content the way it is.

two, techno&co are mostly ndv. techno has adhd, tubbo has dyslexia, wilbur had and maybe still has depression, ranboo has anxiety, tommy hasnt confirmed or denied his adhd but im betting he at least has borderline. i am in no ways saying that being part of one minority (in this case ndv) gives you free range over another (queer), but all minorities have this understanding about what it is to be part of an exiled community (if that makes sense).

philza and schlatt, not so sure if they're ndv, but they're also older and generally more mature and esp in philza's case, theyve had their chance to make their bad jokes and pull stupid shit and theyve grown out of it (if they ever had that phase at all). techno&co have that understanding and even if they dont know where the boundaries are they know that queer humor (and all humor! other than techno, sbi doesnt really make gay jokes) going to have boundaries, and they respect that.

three, techno is the funniest bitch because he has adhd. i dont take criticism on this point because im right.

i probably missed a lot, probably got some stuff wrong, but all in all i think i hit my mark. i can come off anon to chat anytime if youd vibe w that. no pressure to respond to this! have a good day, etc etc, it was fun getting to tear into the dteam in a safe space. respect for them and their fanbases, their humor is a little off but i still gotta respect how well theyve done. btw i woke up and rolled over and started typing I haven't proofed this at all so yeah. :) - andy

And your brain is fucking massive yo like u must got chronic back pain too from holdin up all these Thoughts in ur head

I really like. Minecraft fans is So varied cuz like u said it was so very 'cringe' before. I got into mc again n playin it w my siblings years before it Popped Off again entirely cuz i stopped Giving a Shit that it was 'weird' or any a that. N sbi have been goin strong through it So Long both when it was hotshit and when it was "cringe"

N definitely like minecraft ive always noticed has a Massive ndv community. I dont know entirely what it is like definitely part of the 'cringe' factor like u said and also cubes make our brains go brrrr? The aspect of self expression in it? I dont know but we Been Here

I do think dteam's content and shit like. It obviously moved in sync with perceptions of mc to garner a Big General audience. Dream blowing up entirely had to do w the Trends and how mc got popular. Therefore hes audience is Huge and Varied

In contrast w techno n like. He has blown up quite a bit too. But i feel its fair to say he Hasnt altered his content significantly. Or at least like. How its presented, what he does, etc. For fucks sake he doesnt have a stream schedule. And although his content is Still garnering a Large and really varied audience it feels more like. Isolated and homogeneous almost

Like. I can go into the technocord right now and say 'dont forget to take your meds' and at least 20 or so ppl would be all like Oh Fuck Whoops. Theres SO many of us adhd ppl in there. I always goof bout techno jus sayin pspspsps and the neurodivergents crawling up from the floorboards but honest to god. His content and jokes and i suppose Personality jus appeals to us So Much. Same goes for sbi pretty heavily honestly altho i feel its most evident in techno's most Dedicated fans

Also. Lbr. The people who stay through technos schedules and content Droughts are the ones who be hyperfixating Abskfvdkdsjsjsl

BUT going into sbi as a Group like. They are friends. And together they are fucking hilarious. N i feel it strongly like. The fact theyre all such Varied people of different ages and such helps w that shit. It Works So Well.

Long story short being neurodivergent makes you funny as hell letsgo

[kirishwima]

what quirks do the mysme characters have ?? would they go pro ?

this has been sitting in my inbox for so long and ive been wanting to answer it cuz i LOVE the crossover of bnha x mysme!!! so after long deliberation, here’s my lengthy, ranty answer-and if you wanna talk more about quirks or bnha p l e a s e hit me up im always happy to talk about this ;u;

YOOSUNG:

- I think what'd really fit him and be adorable af is if he could talk to animals, kind of like Koda!!

-He manifested his quirk earlier than most-at about 2-3 years old, and his parents found out after they found him crying because their house cat called him, and I quote, 'a bag of flesh and bones ready to eat'

-At first he didn't like his quirk much-something about seeing a cute chihuahua and rather than that high-pitched funny bark hearing 'i will MESS YOU UP' can be scarring to a kid

-Eventually he came to love it though! He found out it could be so useful when interacting with injured animals

-For this reason, rather than going pro, I think he'd become a vet once again!

ZEN:

-Do not even argue with me on this one baby boy would have a Siren quirk!

-Singing certain melodies can have different effects on people-one melody can lull them to sleep, others, more dangerous ones, can make them feel fear, anger, agression etc

-It took him a while to learn what melody and pitch of voice triggers each emotion, and for a while he was afraid to sing-his parents calling him a monster over it didn't help either :(

-Yet he insisted on using this power for good. He worked hard, memorised each melody and even created more complex ones, and would only use them if he had to!

-(I feel like he might also have some mild regeneration quirk maybe passed down from one parent cuz who said we can't have dual quirks? Not the Todorokis thats for sure)

-I feel like he'd be kind of like Hawks, in the sense that he's more of a celebrity than a hero; everyone knows of Zen the knight!

JAEHEE:

-ok at first I was writing a plot for a speed quirk but THEN i had this idea, you'll have to bear with me as I ramble through it: Jaehee has a matter manipulation quirk.

-Soph, what the heck is that, you ask? Well, here's the breakdown of it

-Jaehee can manipulate particles around her on a 4m radius. That means she can manipulate anything, change its shape, position etc-and with enough effort, eventually can also manipulate time IN this radius only.

-Think like matrix-style, bullets flying, but the moment they reach Jaehee, she manipulates them to slow down and they just casually graze by her as if nothing ever happened-ITS A BADASS QUIRK OK

-It's a little OP though, so as a drawback, she gets exhausted easily while using it, so it has quite the cooldown period.

-Despite the cool quirk, I don't think she'd want to go pro. All she ever wanted was to live her life quietly. But with a quirk like that, she's bound to get into crazy situations all the time.

-Now I want a fantasy-comedy show of powerful quirk-bearing Jaehee aaaa

JUMIN:

-I think he'd have a quirk like Shinso's! The moment you address him, he can, if he wills it, manipulate the person as he sees fit.

-But, unlike Shinso, Jumin can do one more thing with his quirk-Thought manipulation/Insertion. He can think of something, or simply voice it (for a stronger effect), and convince the other that this was their thought/idea

-i.e: Jumin, sitting across a potential company partner, smirking as he thinks to himself 'I want to sign that contract'.

-The partner, eyes wide while scanning through the document 'hm..yes, I want to sign this contract. Why didn't I want to earlier?!'

-He actually keeps his quirk a top secret, since the moment it manifested; no one would ever want to work with him face to face if they knew, now would they?

-Plus he's afraid deep down, afraid of people being scared of him.

-So he doesn't go pro; he keeps this quirk a secret, and god forbid anyone tries to find out about it.

SAEYOUNG/707/LUCIEL:

-Electric quirk!!! Electric quirk!

-Sae with little zaps coming out his fingertips grinning menacingly 🥰🥰🥰 id let him electrocute me

-Similar to Denki but minus the 'go dumb if overuse' thing; you're on my blog and we love angst and gore here, so here’s the catch:

-if he overuses his quirk, he starts to become vulnerable to it too. After all, it makes some sense-we have neurons firing signals in our bodies in similar fashion that electricity is conducted. Were you to touch a wire, not only is it very dangerous, the current MUST be conducted. So with electrical injuries-there’s always en ENTRY and EXIT wound, where the current came into and exited the body.

-So overusing his quirk can cause severe damage to himself, and is a reason why he’s riddled with scars-on his arms especially, but also legs (an often exit point for currents), back e.t.c.

-He found out about his quirk whilst protecting his brother. He…didn’t mean to use it. It terrified him. But it was a means of survival, and he was ready to use it no matter what.

-I really feel like someone form LoV would try to convince him to join them-and if they were to protect his brother too…he just might’ve.

-If we’re ignoring canon and going into a full BNHA universe, then I think Saeyoung would definitely go pro! He’d want to help people, and he’d be such an amazing hero, loved by so many people <3

V/JIHYUN:

-This is soo biased given that V’s my baby, but mmm, i really feel like he’d have a healing quirk, WITH a regeneration quirk mixed-this is my absoloute favorite quirk idea, and here’s why:

-How this quirk would work, is that he’d be able to take on any injury someone may have, big or small, so long as it’s not lethal-dead is dead after all. He can also heal significantly faster than average via self-regeneration, so he’s virtually overpowering, right?

-Well, here’s the catch:

-Anytime he takes on an injury or damage, he feels all of it-every single thing, and whilst the physical injury vanishes, the pain lingers, longer than it should. It does go away eventually, but taking on massive injuries is jarring and can scar him, physically and mentally.

-If we follow canon, after his eyes are hurt-his quirk deals with it, healing the tissue fast, yet he keeps injuring it himself, hating his quirk for the very first time.

-If we go full bnha AU, then he’d try to train his quirk as much as possible, and would go pro, but as a support hero, helping the injured after fights e.t.c.

SAERAN/RAY/UNKNOWN:

-Hmm, I’ve been thinking about this, and here’s what I’m thinking: I think Sae’s quirk would be bloodbending.

-Essentially he’d be able to use it in 2 forms; one is that he can use his own blood to form weapons, support items e.t.c (think blood swords….badass)

-The other form, is that he can bend the blood of others-anything with blood is doable, human or not, so long as there’s an injury, no matter how minor, for him to drag the blood out of. He can’t bend it whilst the skin is completely unpunctured, as cool as that would be, and he can only use it on one person per time.

-I think he’d hate his quirk at first-consider it hideous, monstrous e.t.c. He’d cry about it, his brother comforting him, reassuring him the only monsters out there are people judging him for a quirk he has no control over.

-If we go with canon: Rika DEFINITELY makes him use his quirk even when he doesn’t want to. He hates himself for it, spiraling depeer into her clutch.

-If we go fanon: He’d definitely be scouted by the LoV, but he’d never accept their offer. He instead wants to become a hero, and put his quirk to good use, to protect others. So I think Sae would go pro too!

[wkemeup]

Hi again! Sorry to drop my issues on you, but if its not too much trouble, i could use some advice. I have "i can fix them" disese, twords fictional and real people (the problem is real people lol) where, if someone tells me there depressed (or anything upsetting), i have the mentallity that i now have to "fix" it. but because that is a non-realistic goal for only myself to deal with, i get drained and go on a self pity party cause i feel so helpless. I vent to my mom, who does help. But she says i "care too much about things i dont need to worry about" like if someone is dealing with a mental disorder, and i cant help, i feel useless cause i know there in pain. But i also know i cant put others responsibility of staying alive on myself. So... i know i need to care for myself first before i take on others issues, i accept i have a problem with being too sensitive and taking on too much. But its something iv just always done without thinking, and i have no idea how not to do that. So, after that long ramble (sorry) how the hell do i stop caring so much, and how can i put myself first, without feeling selfish for not being so selfless that i give up my own mental happiness? Also, ironic i know. But i plan to be a forensic psychologist, and as u can guess, im sensitive. How can i seperate my feelings after a tough day? How do you do it?

Okay, lots to unpack here. So first - the first step is always becoming more aware of your thought process and behaviors, which you've already done. You recognize you have a tendency to want to 'fix' everyone's problems, sometimes to your own detriment. This is a mindset that takes time to reframe and effort to do that. It doesn't happen overnight and it can only change if you're willing to work on it.

The biggest thing for me, is recognizing that you are not responsible for anyone else's life choices, behaviors, or feelings. You're clearly a very empathetic person, so I know you're clearly trying to offer support and be a listening ear for these people. But you can't force them into talking or seeking help or getting better. That had to be a choice that make on their own.

The other is I would recommend reframing your view on people that are problems that need fixing. I totally understand where you're coming from, but consider offering your support instead of 'fixing’ the problem. Not everyone wants a solution or wants to be 'fixed.' Sometimes people really just want to be heard and validated and that's enough. Again- the only life you have control over is your own. If they're asking for help and for guidance, then go for it! Help them deal with whatever problem is causing issues or help take them out for dinner or spend time watching movies to life their spirits.

When it comes to setting boundaries for yourself and prioritizing your own mental health, think of it like this - you can't help anyone else if you're running on fumes. It's the whole 'put the oxygen mask on yourself before the child sitting next to you' thing. A lot of people view things like self care as inconsequential, but it is so so important. It's not a waste of time. It's investing in yourself so that you can better enjoy the things you love and do everything else you need to do. If you're not giving that time to yourself too, it becomes exhausting and impossible to help everyone else. It doesn’t have to be huge. It can literally be just spending time with your hobbies, with friends, reading, watching your favorite show. Skin care, eating something comforting, drinking water, taking a walk. Just something you’re doing for the enjoyment of it.

As for compartmentalising at work - I'm not entirely sure exactly what your specific position would be like, but I can speak to my own experience. I take it from the same angle of the fact that I am not responsible for my patient's choices. I do what I can to support them and guide them and give them the tools they need, but the second they walk out of my office, I no longer have any control over the situation. Even in general, all I have with them is my 45 min block however often I see them, and the rest of that day and that week or however long in between, is up to them. I work with a lot of folks who struggle with suicidal thinking and i have to practice this a lot for myself too. I can only assess them in the time they’re with me. I can’t be responsible for anything that happens outside of my office they may react to. It’s still a choice they make. I can’t carry that. You have to take the weight off your shoulders. You do what you can with what you have control over, and let go of what you cant. It takes practice and it’s really hard sometimes. I have to work on that a lot myself. But using little mantras to cut yourself off when you can feel yourself slipping down that path is helpful. I'll literally stop my train of thought and tell myself - 'you are not responsible for their choices. You do not have control over this. Let go and move forward.' Or something to that effect. Self talk with this stuff is sooo important.

but again - all this stuff is stuff you work on. It doesn't happen overnight, but you have to try. Make time for self care. Use self talk to remind yourself what you do and don't have control over. Learn to let go. Take the weight off your shoulders.

Hope that's helpful ❤️