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lily-blue · 6 months

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You can call me villain, whatever, it’s fine

☆ characters: villain!jeno & girlfriend!you ☆ genre: villain (origin story-ish) au, dystopian au ☆ warnings: mention of murder, violence, psychological abuse, helplessness ☆ request: DV33. form this prompt list ☆ summary: Jeno loves you so much, he would do absolutely anything - everything - to shield you from the cruelty of other people ☆ words: 2,1k ☆ dedicated to: @dat-town ♥

When your boyfriend of eight months started to act weird a few weeks after your disastrous birthday party, you had exciting and terrifying ideas about what could have been behind the sudden attitude change. Like most people with a childhood trauma and a horrible luck with friends, you were also quick to surrender to your insecurities, which made you think that your step-mother’s entitled behaviour had made Jeno realise that you weren’t worth his time: he was cheating on you, he was trying to come up with a painless way to dump you because he was just that sweet, or he was doing both. On particularly sensitive days, the mere possibility of the latter made you cry for hours to no end.

However, the night when Jeno insisted on picking you up from work to take you to his place for your semi-impromptu date night, the extravagant sight of his otherwise minimalist dining room planted a completely different thought in your mind; you could feel the anticipation in your tummy, your entire being buzzing with excitement and disbelief, because the decoration was suspiciously akin to the one you had described to him when he had asked you about your dream proposal and wedding. (To be fair, this conversation had happened months before your birthday, on a movie night you had spent watching the American movie 27 Dresses.)

You almost missed your chair when Jeno led you towards the dining table, your eyes fixed on the beautiful candle lights.

How had you gotten so lucky?

‘Did you make all these? Even the food?’ You asked in awe when the European-style cream soup was served, the smell making your mouth water even before you touched your spoon. Growing up in a well-off family meant that you had unlimited access to many foreign countries’ cuisines, but because of the same reason, your father’s wealth, you rarely had real, home-cooked food on the table. Your father’s new wife deemed such chores, activities your mother had loved so much, low-life: something maids should have done and maids alone.

Jeno’s eyes turned into tiny crescents when he nodded, his smile making your heart melt. You felt bad for ever doubting him, although you both knew it wasn’t something you could have helped. In life, money always came with a price. Subsequently, the more zeros one had on their account, the more nightmares and insecurities they had to deal with to balance out the happiness that kept poor people at bay. This was how your society had been working for centuries.

As the night went on and more delicious food got on the table, you were more and more sure that even if there hadn’t been a proposal, you would have remembered that night for the rest of your life. Your relationship with Jeno might have been relatively peaceful and the best thing that had ever happened to you, but you hadn’t been this happy in months. The absence of self-hating and relationship-doubting thoughts was freeing. You couldn’t not smile.

Until your happy grin froze onto your face then fell at the sight of the eerie collection of personal items in Jeno’s living room. Goodness. Your boyfriend didn’t make the smallest attempt at hiding the evidence. On the contrary, he put everything on display: the jewelleries, wallets, keychains and hairpins that all had a vaguely familiar feel to them. They sent an unpleasant chill down your spine.

And it got significantly worse when taking a tentative step closer to the glass display cabinet, you recognised your bitchy supervisor’s rose gold necklace with the tiny star medallions she had gotten from her fiancé. Was that your step-mother’s wedding ring two items from it? The one that had been originally your mother’s family heirloom, but then your father had decided that he would have shown you how he was a disgusting human being in more ways than one by proposing to his new chick with the jewellery.

When had been the last time you had seen either of these horrible women?

What was going on?

Except the rational part of you knew exactly what was going on. Your best friend had been going on about the Midnight Maniac ever since the serial killer had shown up at your city, targeting seemingly random people, although the connection had been right in front of you all along. You. You might have not given the same significance to every victim as you rarely paid attention to those outside of your friend group, you might have not remembered everyone’s name, but at one point in your life you had had to cross paths with them.

They had died… No, they had been killed because of you.

‘No…’ the plea fell from your lips weakly, the disbelief mixed with strong denial making you sound raspy and out of breath. You reached out to your mother’s ring and your hand was shaking from how overwhelmed you felt. This just couldn’t have been happening. There was no way in hell this was true.

‘Do you like it?’ Your shoulders rose and for the first time in your life, your body got tense when Jeno’s closeness registered in you. You tried not to show or acknowledge how anxious you felt at that moment, although your acting skills had never been too good. Despite the number of school plays your family’s money had gotten you during your academic career, you were a below average actress. ‘At first, I thought it might be too much, but then I realised you might need some sort of reassurance that they can’t hurt you anymore,’ your boyfriend explained, confusing you with the lack of empathy or guilt in his alluring, deep voice you loved so much.

Your teeth sank into your lower lip to suppress the scream that almost escaped your mouth. You didn’t dare to look down at Jeno’s fingers that slowly slipped between yours.

‘Because they can’t. They will never ever mistreat you again,’ Jeno squeezed your hand, the familiar warmth from before back in his voice and evident on his face. He looked at you like he always did when you were telling him about your achievements at work and the dreams you nurtured in your heart. He looked at you the way he did when he was so damn proud, he would have stolen the stars for you just to show you your worth.

He looked at you like you were his entire world and he would have done absolutely anything for you. Anything, whether you asked for it or not.

‘Tell me you didn’t,’ you pleaded, your voice barely above a whisper. You didn’t take your eyes off your mother’s ring. As much as you hated to see the hand-crafted jewellery on your step-mother’s finger, the thought of her dead body in a dirty alley, strangled to death creeped you the hell out. ‘Please, tell me you did not—’

‘Of course, I did. Did you expect me to watch them walk over you?’ Jeno asked with what sounded like genuine disbelief in his voice. As you allowed yourself a glance at his reflection through the glass display, you were taken aback by his furrowed eyebrows and the wrinkles on his forehead. He was seriously confused.

Until he wasn’t.

He squeezed your hand again; his thumb was drawing soothing circles on the sensitive skin of your wrist.

‘It’s okay, it’s because you’re not used to people treating you like you deserve,’ he reassured you, an action so familiar, nice and comforting that for a second you felt like you had an out of body experience. You felt like you were both living your own and invading someone else’s life because there was no way your sweet boyfriend had killed close to a dozen people who had dared to treat you badly at one point in their lives.

Your inability to stand up for yourself and detach yourself from a toxic environment couldn’t have been the reason for eleven people’s early death. It just couldn’t. Your conflict-avoidant personality couldn’t have turned your soft-hearted boyfriend into a serial killer.

It wasn’t true. If this was supposed to be a joke, a prank, it wasn’t funny.

‘Stop, please, just stop. It’s not right, Jeno, do you hear yourself? You’re saying you are a murderer,’ you begged while you simultaneously tried to take your hand out of his with little to no success. His hold on you was too strong.

Your eyes were brimming with tears because of how fiercely he was holding onto you. It was painful both physically and mentally until he pulled you close and pushed your face into the crook of his neck. Your boyfriend was petting your head while his tee soaked up your tears. You were scared, confused and miserable.

‘Everything I’ve done…’ he mumbled against the crown of your head. ‘Every horrible atrocity, it’s been for you. Please, don’t ever degrade my feelings for you, love,’ he asked, although by the way he hugged your smaller frame, his palm pushing your body against his chest, it felt more like a threat. It was as clear as day that he didn’t like being called a murderer.

‘Please,’ you asked, barely managing to get enough oxygen into your lungs. He was hugging you so tight. So damn tight. Like you could have disappeared the moment he let you go.

You couldn’t have said his fear was baseless. A brave person would have already made a run for it. A strong person might have already successfully escaped. However, you were neither brave nor strong. Your skills were barely suppressing average on your brightest days and your mental strength was crumbling without Jeno being your stable point.

‘Shh, you’re safe now. No one will ever hurt you, I won’t let them, I promise.’ Jeno kept stroking your hair and pressing soft kisses against the crown of your head as if his actions hadn’t been the sole reason for your distress. As if you had just woken up from one of your nightmares and you needed his arms around you to ground you. ‘I love you so much, baby.’

His embrace and closeness didn’t bring you comfort this time.

The silence stretched uncomfortably long.

‘Say that you love me, baby,’ Jeno asked you, his fingertips digging into your back. Face buried in the juncture between his shoulder and neck, your brain was mushy and your breathing uneven as you tried to comprehend his words.

Your unresponsiveness didn’t make Jeno happy. It made him angry. Or was he desperate? He sounded a little bit both when he said:

‘Come on, baby. Say it. Say that you love me, say it back.’

You couldn’t say it. Not necessarily because your love for him vanished from one moment to another, but because you were physically incapable of forming coherent sentences. You were drained due to the part of you that was still in denial, scared that Jeno would kill more people out of some twisted kind of protectiveness and terrified that people who shouldn’t have would figure it out that he was the person behind the name Midnight Maniac. You knew someone this sick and dangerous should have been behind bars from where he couldn’t have hurt more people, but the thought of losing Jeno also wore you down.

You didn’t want to lose him. You didn’t want this to be your reality.

Jeno put his hands on your shoulders and pushed you away from his chest a little: just enough to be able to look you in the eyes.

‘Say it, love! Say. It. Say that you love me.’

You couldn’t. You couldn’t say it back. And your silence made your boyfriend lose his mind for a split second. He started to shake you, squeeze you, dig his nails into your flesh until you were flinching away from the pain.

‘I… I…’ At that point, you were close to hyperventilating. You wanted to wake up from this horrible dream and find solace in your boyfriend’s arms like you always did. You wanted the Jeno you knew, the Jeno you had fallen in love with, the Jeno you loved. Cheeks red and lips slightly parted, you were panting as you said: ‘I love you.’

Because you did. You loved Jeno, you just didn’t like how he was acting. Like a madman. A maniac.

The smile that adorned your boyfriend’s features upon hearing your confession was genuine; his beautiful, chocolate brown eyes disappeared as his happiness became more evident. You shuddered when Jeno brushed a mop of hair behind your ear.

Staring at him in disbelief, you had no idea how you would come out of this situation alive, but the momentary peace deluded you into thinking that everything was going to be alright, and you held onto that fake reality was tooth and nail. As you didn’t put up much fight, your exhaustion eventually won, and you welcomed the numbness with open arms.

the end.

#jeno #jeno x you #jeno x reader #nct dream x you #nct dream scenarios #nct dream #nct scenarios #ssbyme #dystopian au #villain au

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antiradqueer · 2 months

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hi. this is probably going to be a long ask, but i don’t do discourse on my public blog and i want this to be somewhere relevant and visible

i am an autistic bipolar trans man with scizophrenia symptoms. i have had, and still struggle with: very unpleasant intrusive thoughts that are sexual or violent, maladaptive daydreams, delusions, and pathological lying. i’ve encountered transid identities before, but i didn’t know about the radqueer “community.” i also want to add that i’m a psychology student and aim to be non-judgmental under any circumstances relating to mental health.

it seems to me like a lot of people who identify as radqueer are just kids or young adults who are still learning about themselves, their identities and their mental health

i’ve read a lot of posts from transtrauma folks, and my initial impression is that a lot of them are attention starved and need validation in their outside lives, or have minor or complex traumas that they don’t realise are valid due to them not being one recognised traumatic event. you don’t need to have gone through something completely life-ruining to deserve sympathy, nor do you need to be mentally ill.

the same applies to transabled identities as well - i know from my own experience as a person with a chronic illness that affects my physical ability, but i don’t identify as physically disabled - that the disabled and cripplepunk communities are full of love and acceptance, and it seems like a lot of radqueers are seeking that same acceptance.

i saw a coining post for the term “transvegan” - one who wants to be vegan, identifies as vegan, but isn’t vegan right now due to life circumstances. and the way i see it is that these people have discovered queer identities as a way to label themselves, eg “i feel this way because i am lesbian”, and as a result have chosen to label all their personality traits as queer identities. you don’t have to call yourself transvegan! you can say “i’m not vegan right now because that’s not feasible for me but i agree with their ideas and advocacy,” and that’s okay. most decent vegans will respect you for that anyways.

before i knew about my bipolar disorder, i thought i might be a system - so guess what, i tried it out for a few days, using tools like pluralkit and a system tracker. it turned out that it wasn’t an experience i shared, but that was okay. at the time, i did want to be a system as that would help me understand why i was the way i was - but after i realised i wasn’t, i kept going and eventually got my bipolar diagnosis that has brought me a lot of comfort.

i relate to the feeling of wanting to have a severe, labelable trauma as well. i was desperate for a reason why i was struggling and mentally ill even though nothing “big” and “horrible” had happened to me.

transracial identities seem to stem from a similar thing imo - i love japanese folklore and history, and actively do research into it in my free time. i enjoy hearing accounts from japanese people about their personal experiences with their mythology, and while i don’t want to live in japan, i think other people like me might. if the radqueer community had existed when i was a young teenager, i might even have identified as transjapanese. however, it seems to me like trace identities stem from misattributing an interest (and again, a specific desire for respect and inclusion from those with a culture they’re interested in) to wanting to be their specific race.

i identify as asexual, and don’t relate to any feelings of attraction, nevermind paraphilias, but i do have intrusive thoughts, and dealing with that has taught me the attitude that your thoughts are not your fault. i love and respect people with paraphilias, even the “weird” ones, but the important part is understanding that if your actions due to your attraction could harm others, like children and animals, it’s your responsibility not to act on those thoughts. whether you want to seek therapy and try and stop having them is a personal choice and up to you, but you cannot refuse the responsibility not to harm others.

if you want to think or write about societally unacceptable scenarios such as grooming or rape, you can - thoughtcrime isn’t real and censorship is a slippery slope - and if the point of your work is not to condone or encourage that kind of thing, and you are clear and do not make people read it if they don’t want to, it does no harm.

unfortunately, that ties in to the other part of the radqueer community who have harmful opinions, like ableism, racism, and pedophila, who simply use the guise of “queerness” to try and get away with it. at its core, queerness is about playing with gender norms and identity, and how you are perceived by society; not “having sex with someone you aren’t “supposed” to be having sex with,” or “having views not agreed with by current society.”

animals and children cannot consent. period. it is not about knowing what sex is, it is about understanding the meaning and gravity of what you are doing, and to take advantage of someone or something that doesn’t is inherently violating. if you think any actions that cause harm to others, sexually or violently, are normal or justifiable then you are not a good person. you are not respectable.

i can’t speak on racism in the radqueer circle and the concept of winterqueer because i don’t know enough, but i can tell you now that the queer and punk communities do not accept racism, and that it goes against the core of who we are. you are not and will not be part of us.

i also think there’s something to be said about how transid views trans people as not truly what they are. if i fully physically transitioned, i wouldn’t stop being transgender, but it feels like a lot of transid identities are only defined by the wanting of, not the being. a trans man is not a woman who wants to be a man. he is a man who at some point used to be viewed as female, and no longer feels that way.

(not adressing anyone on this blog, just things i have seen) i think my point was that the argument of “these people will never be accepted by society” does more harm than it does good - i don’t think their beliefs are normal or will be accepted, but by arguing that the people themselves will never be accepted when they are in the community in the first place because they want to be respected and seen only serves to push them back into the circle of people who genuinely desire harm.

on a similar note, harrasment and death threats on either side are also horrible. you are not helping, you are not getting one up on them, you are just hurting people, and wasn’t the entire point of being anti-radqueer trying to prevent people hurting others?

idk. this was long and rambling, but it’s just. you can want things that are unachievable but you’ve gotta come to terms with the fact they’re unachievable. there’s a difference between “fiction is not reality” (true) and “fiction does not affect reality” (provably false). radqueerism is not as progressive as it claims to be. and there are a lot of people out there who refuse to grow or learn.

#anti radqueer #anti transid #anti transabled #anti transx #antiradqueer #anti transrace #anti trace #anti transautistic #anti prat #anti radshit

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irregularcollapse · 11 months

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would Love to know what Auguste's deal is! I love fics where he lives because it's so interesting to see how Laurent thinks of him without the rose tinted glasses of the past!

Hehehe thank you for asking this question that I begged to be asked 😂

The inspo for this fic came from a lot of places, but Auguste living and the subsequent shape of his and Laurent’s relationship as adults was a huge one. Similarly, this reply is going to be a huge one.

(CW for discussion under the cut of Laurent’s trauma and Auguste’s reaction to it)

It has always been really interesting to me that the Auguste we get access to in the books is almost a mythological figure: he is the idolised, idealised version of an older brother from the perspective of a little boy. Younger siblings often idolise their older siblings, seeing them as aspirational, unreachable, perfect. The perception of the younger sibling shifts as they get older and realise that their older sibling is simply a person. It doesn’t lessen the love! But as we mature, our perception of our loved ones starts to accommodate their complexities and nuances. Laurent in the books never got to see Auguste for who he really was as a person — because Auguste was taken from him, he was forever fixed in his idea of Auguste as his unimpeachable protector.

This, to me, is the area where Laurent truly reveals his vulnerability and naivety: the reality of abuse is that even a loving family member is often not a protection, especially when dealing with an abuser who is adept at manipulation and grooming. This is why I haven’t changed that aspect of the canon narrative (also because it is the reason for so many parts of why Laurent is the way he is as an adult).

In even in another time, the sequence of events that you have likely picked up on through Laurent’s memories is that their father died, both Laurent and Auguste spiralled into grief, and their uncle took advantage of the situation in the way that he, of course, would. In Laurent’s reflections, I am deliberately not explicit regarding their uncle, and try not to identify him except through absolute necessity. This is because Laurent has “dealt with” him, as he says to Damen in Chapter XIV, and is still actively engaging in an ongoing effort to put him out of mind and stop giving him control.

But take, for example, Laurent’s reflections on Auguste’s grief in Chapter XIII: “He had been sulky and stung for a near week afterwards, as Auguste had been surly and stiff. The offers of help from family started to be accepted, not long after.” We learn that a grief-stricken 21-year-old Auguste, struggling to cope, had invited their uncle to support him in looking after his brother. Then, in the following chapter: “Blood will make even the most powerful man fail to notice the viper beneath the roses; Laurent has seen it firsthand, his own brother using genealogy as a standin for critical thinking.” It is confirmed why Auguste would trust their uncle to look after his brother at all. In Prince's Gambit, Laurent says Auguste "had no instinct for deception; it meant he couldn't recognise it in other people."

Auguste, the first son, set to inherit, striving to live up to his father’s expectations, but only 21 when his father is removed from the equation and no longer able to mentor him — and who is the closest thing to his father left available to him? Why would he not trust his father’s brother with his own brother, and the family business, while he himself finishes up his studies and tries to get himself ready to helm a multinational corporation in his 20s? Remember as well that their uncle is an abuser and a manipulator, and Auguste was also vulnerable. He was still groomed, just not in the same way as Laurent. And think about it: a golden child wanting desperately to do his dead father proud, to prove himself a worthy successor — Auguste threw himself into study and professional development, doing things like taking a one month internship in Bazal and leaving Laurent alone with their uncle for extended periods of time.

The details that have been included in the fic so far are that Auguste’s functional (and often literal) absence and their uncle’s abuse of Laurent lasted for roughly three years, from Laurent being age 13 to age 15. At this point, Auguste has finished his Masters studies and is ready to assume more responsibility in the company and with his brother’s care; their uncle has lost interest, as Laurent is growing up. What Auguste expects, as older siblings often do, is for his little brother to still be sweet and innocent and naive, and idolise him above everything else. What he gets instead, as has been developing under his nose the whole time, is a Laurent who is flinty and shrewd and adept at slinging vicious insults, and who is angry with Auguste for some (apparently) unknown reason. Laurent is aware of Auguste’s diagnosis at the time: teen angst, still grieving their father. Auguste tries his best to reassert their brotherly bond, and make things as they once were. He continues, as older siblings sometimes do, to treat Laurent like a child.

This is only compounded when, at age 17 in the timeline (26 for Auguste), Laurent tells him everything that happened - the exact circumstances and outcome of this conversation will be revealed in a future chapter. Laurent mentions attending therapy in his later teen years — Auguste’s idea. Confronted with the evidence of having failed his brother in the most devastating way, Auguste doubles down on his protectiveness.

Laurent observes in Chapter II, “much of what Auguste does is driven by guilt, and the impotent anger over how something which is supposed to be under his care (read: Laurent) has been interfered with and he has had no chance to stop it. A more generous brother would see it as noble, as doting, as a manifestation of how highly Auguste regards Laurent’s personhood. Laurent sees it for what it is: vanity. Laurent has his hair products; Auguste has his protectiveness.” And then in Chapter XIV, “The ultimate embarrassment for Auguste, evidence of his ultimate failure, the ultimate insult against him levelled by their own uncle.” Yes, some of this commentary is fuelled by Laurent’s trauma, but is also a level assessment of Auguste’s character, the way he sees himself as a leader and protector, and the way he sees Laurent as his to protect and care for.

Sounds sweet on the surface, but think about it: he behaves protectively toward Laurent from a position of ownership and possessiveness (his brother, who he is responsible for - the way a lot of parents think about their children) rather than out of actual respect for Laurent’s personhood. This is where, obviously, Laurent sees the difference in Damen’s protectiveness: Damen doesn’t infantilise him or undervalue his strength or maturity. Damen doesn’t treat him with condescension when he asserts himself. Auguste, still seeing Laurent as a little boy, defaults to being overbearing and coddling — and also never lets Laurent forget that he has been victimised.

Think about the pepper spray in Chapter I; something Auguste gave Laurent for his own protection, simultaneously underestimating Laurent’s physical capabilities and capacity for self-defence, and almost feminising Laurent in a way — a defensive weapon largely associated with women and rape prevention, a reminder of the way in which Laurent has been most abused and also the way he is still vulnerable. When Laurent calls him out on this (albeit very crudely), he can't hear it: he wants to forget about what was done to Laurent, but he won't let Laurent forget it.

Just as Auguste’s feelings about Laurent as a helpless child in need of swaddling endure, so does Laurent’s idolisation to an extent. He wants, more than anything, to prove himself to his brother (time is a circle — Aleron and Auguste, Auguste and Laurent). Laurent has grown up entirely in Auguste’s shadow, and is forced to remain there by Auguste’s protectiveness (and, to an extent, his own guilt; not wanting to cause Auguste further problems, wanting to make up for years of “teen angst” by being the perfect brother). Laurent’s desires to be dutiful and supportive are at odds with his own ambitions, his own inherent leadership qualities, his own aptitudes and accomplishments. He is destined for greater things than Auguste has planned for him. It is narratively crucial to Laurent’s character development, both in the books and this fic, that Laurent loses Auguste. His love for Auguste binds him to his brother, and only removing Auguste could be the catalyst for Laurent finally accepting and rising to his own potential.

The crux of it all is that Auguste loves Laurent, and Laurent loves Auguste. That hasn't changed; just because siblings get older and cause each other hurt doesn't mean they stop loving each other. But trauma will always complicate relationships, and to use Damen's phrasing about himself in Chapter VII, Auguste is "just one man." He isn't perfect, and Laurent's image of him as such was shattered in a pretty unceremonious and horrible way. As much as Laurent blames himself for the abuse (as victims often do), he also blames Auguste to an extent. He doesn't want to, and feels guilt about it, but you have likely picked up through his narration that he resents Auguste's protectiveness given that Auguste all but abandoned him. The thing is, Auguste blames himself too, and that is exactly why he is so overprotective.

I could go on about this for another dissertation-length post omg, there is truly so much to say. Auguste truly is The Guy for me - given so few details about him in the books, and those details being filtered through Lauren'ts idolisation, I've really enjoyed giving him this personality and motivation, even if it is mostly through memory. I can't WAIT for you all to see the other details about Auguste and Laurent's relationship as the chapters unfold! You may have to pick through layers of Laurent's obfuscation to get to them, but they'll be there for sure hahaha

Thanks again for this question!! Ugh I loved getting to type all this out so much hahahahaha

#captive prince fic #captive prince fanfic #auguste of vere #laurent of vere #captive prince #my writing #even in another time fic #asks

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kakashi-posting · 5 months

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This one is gonna talk about trauma (vaguely but still) so if that's not something you want, you've been warned. Largely it's more of a focus on the influence trauma has on Kakashi and how I think he'd learn to heal because I'd rather write happier thoughts than just angst.

I think there's some interesting stuff you could write about with Gai helping Kakashi handle his trauma. Kakashi has this shift in healing that I really think could be interpreted as learning to heal with Gai at his side.

I imagine Kakashi is avoidant of physical touch that gets better as he grows up. He actively doesn't want to hurt anyone so he's reluctant to even touch people on the shoulder, he shies away from hugs and startles when others try to touch him. Usually keeps himself a little further away from people in a group setting, just enough to feel like he's keeping them safe.

I also think it's Gai who helps him a lot with this. With all their competitions and Gai just generally communicating love through touch, I imagine it's just something Kakashi doesn't notice getting better until there's significant progress. There are still times where Kakashi struggles with touch but Gai finds a good balance with him of respecting his wishes and ensuring that his touch stays a familiar safe presence and keeps him from being touch starved. The times where Kakashi initiates things like fistbumps always results in such a sincere smile from Gai like he's given his friend the best present he could have asked for.

Being guarded and untrusting. There's probably multiple reasons why. He doesn't want to hurt others, he's afraid of himself, he refuses to lose more people - just naming a few. But this is a common enough response to trauma. Again I think it's Gai who really helps start the shift here.

Kakashi would still care deeply for people he lets in even if he comes across as distant. But I imagine Gai is just an unwavering support system for him. I'm talking like laying on the floor in his bedroom together talking about the latest flashback, just letting Kakashi blurt out everything on his mind with no judgement no commentary until he's done. And even when he is, just a reminder that he's there for him, always will be.

I'm talking like Gai being able to get Kakashi to open up to him even if he can't do that with anyone else. Regular check ins when Gai knows something's wrong from the small slips in facade when Kakashi relaxes enough around him.

And I'm talking Kakashi in return being there for Gai. Immediately able to recognise the attempt to hide a negative emotion and trying his best to meet Gai in the middle. A little hesitant to reach out and console him but not allowing himself to pull back, commited to try and help as he figures out what to say. Speaking softly and calmly with gentle movements to show Gai he's safe with him.

I also think that Kakashi knows how important it is to have Gai in his life. When he confronted Sasuke he claimed everyone he loved is already dead, not allowing anyone to understand the depths behind his friendship with Gai. Refusing to have a target placed on the person who never feared him being too much or too dangerous.

The whole silly rivalry they portray highlights some of their dynamic and brings out better traits in Kakashi that his distant act doesn't allow normally. But it also keeps them safer, keeps them able to be there for each other.

#tw trauma #kakashi hatake #kakashi & gais friendship is so pure to me I just think they make each other better #got a lot of thoughts today but i just kind of see gai as the force of good who influences kakashi to be better for his own sake ya know?#gai maito

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whatstruthgottodowithit · 2 years

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Hey cutie!!!💕💕💕🙃

So I'd thought of this scenario the other day, where the reader is working at Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital and she's an ex of Jackson Avery (they're still friends); he goes there because someone close to him gets injured and so as he searches for the reader for help, where he also gets to meet one of the new interns, Daniel Kwan, who happens to be reader's best friend since college (who has feelings for her but she doesn't know) and while to Jackson that is very clear, the reader, on the other hand, has no idea, which makes it weird to see them interact with eachother

Idk... I was thinking of something not too sentimental because they're all in good terms but it can end up with a confession or something...🤔🤔 I know you haven't had the opportunity to start the latest season (I totally get it!!! I still don't know how you manage to keep your socials active since you're always working non stop 😖😖 but know that I'm always grateful to have you as a friend, cheering up my days 😘💌)

Btw there's no rush and if you don't feel like writing for Grey's Anatomy then it's all good 😉

A Crazy Idea [Part One]

Fandom: Grey's Anatomy

Pairing: Daniel Kwan x Female Reader, Jackson Avery x Female Reader, Benson Kwan x Female Reader

Characters: Daniel Kwan, Jackson Avery, Female Reader, Catherine Fox, Benson Kwan

Word Count: 2058 // Rating: Teen & Up

Summary: Jackson's back and he's finding he might have been replaced in more ways than one.

Tags/ Warnings: Confessions of Love, Jealousy, Friends To Lovers, Exes, Ex Lovers, Fighting, Arguing, Operations,Past Relationships, Open Wounds,

Notes: okay so i've not watched the new series so I don't know kwan that well and apparently his names changed?!? but I stuck with Daniel anyway. Hope this is okay! x

PART ONE // PART TWO

Jackson stalked down the corridor, his eyes sweeping inside every room, as he searched for Y/N. It had been a while since he had been to Grey Sloan and though he used to walk its halls every day he had forgotten how big it was. Though the more he walked the more his hand started aching. He had it held against him, pulled tight under his hoodie as he tried to keep it in a way that didn’t make it ache something rotten. As a sharp shooting pain fluttered up his forearm he stopped looking around but as he paused someone collided with him, hitting him directly in his covered arm and making him wince in agony.

‘I’m so sorry!’ a voice came from behind him. As he whipped around he found a doctor he didn’t recognise standing in front of him. His hands were out in front of him though Jackson doubted he knew how much he had hurt him. Jackson went to tell the man it was alright but he watched as realisation dawned on the man's face, ‘Dr Avery?’

‘Yeah,’ Jackson said.

‘I didn’t know you were coming back. Are you here for a surgery? Or…’ the man trailed off.

‘Actually, I’m looking for someone,’ Jackson said, ‘have you seen Dr Y/N?’

‘Y/N?’ the man asked. Jackson nodded watching as a glint arose in the man's eye. And if Jackson looked closely he was sure he saw the tinge of a blush on his cheeks before he continued, ‘she’s scrubbed in at the minute. But I’m on her service if there’s something you need.’

‘I just need her er-’

‘Dr Kwan,’ the man said, ‘Daniel Kwan.’

‘Right,’ Jackson said trying to recall where he had heard that name before, ‘well can you find her for me?’

‘Sure, what shall I tell her?’

‘Tell her I’ll be waiting in the pit for her,’ Jackson said as he felt another wave of pain come over him. Before Daniel could reply he stalked off back towards the pit. He needed painkillers.

✵✵✵

Jackson was sitting in a trauma room scrolling quietly through his phone as he listened to the hubbub going on outside the room. Since his new ally had continued his search he had been able to come down to the pit and get checked in. He didn’t officially have privileges but the nurses didn’t seem to mind following his instructions. He allowed them to take some blood and do a quick X-ray which he looked over himself, confirming his own suspicions of a broken hand but he didn’t interfere anymore. That's why he wanted Y/N. After all her speciality was orthopaedics.

As he heard her dulcet tones outside the room he sat up a little straighter and placed his phone on his lap. The doors swooshed open and she came in in a flurry. Her hair was piled up onto the top of her head and Jackson could see her scrub cap squashed into her scrub pocket. Standing at her side was Daniel.

‘Jackson!’ she said excitedly though her face fell as she took in his mangled hand, ‘what the hell!?’

She darted to his side, her hand holding his gently, wincing as he hissed in pain. The nurses had given him something to take the edge off but that didn’t mean that her mauling with him wouldn’t make his toes curl.

‘What happened?’ she asked.

‘Had a run-in with a power tool,’ he shrugged.

‘Your hands mangled!’ she said.

‘Hardly,’ he said nodding towards the X-rays on the board. Y/N glanced at them but continued to survey his hand a little longer. Daniel walked towards them.

‘He’s right. He’s only got slight fractures to his scaphoid and trapezium.’

‘Maybe,’ she said, ‘but this gash goes through to muscle if not the ligament. And this is a million-dollar hand.’

‘Which is why I came here,’ Jackson said.

‘Well I’d send you to our fabulous head of plastics but he’s no longer here,’ Y/N smirked. Jackson chuckled.

‘Which is why I went second best,’ he said. Y/N swatted him on his good arm. Jackson chuckled but he didn’t fail to notice that Daniel’s eyes narrowed a little as he watched the pair of them.

‘Blue,’ Y/N said as she moved over to the Xrays, ‘order an MRI stat for Jackson’s hand. I want decent images before we plan anything. Then phone the OR and tell them we need to bump my next surgery.’

‘But Mrs Gleeson-’

‘Can wait,’ she said waving him off. Daniel smiled tightly and nodded. Jackson watched them closely as she rattled off instructions.

‘I thought you didn’t do special treatment,’ Daniel said folding his arms across his chest.

‘I don’t. But as I said this morning, Mrs Gleeson still has some swelling to her ankle so whilst we can do her manipulation today it won’t hurt to push her back a few hours. Or even a day. And besides, I might not play favourites but I know someone who does. So it might be better that we get Jackson here in and out before Catherine Fox gets a whiff of what’s happening. Now, are you going to do as I asked or have you still got a problem with how I prioritise my patients?’ Y/N said. Her tone was nice but Jackson could hear the air of authority she was speaking with. Daniel shook his head and left the room.

Jackson watched as she scanned over his X-rays one more time and then sat down on a stool beside him setting up a sterile tray. He said nothing as she took his hand in hers, assessing the damage of the deep gash in his hand. She started to clean the outer edge of the wound and feeling that twinging sensation coming back Jackson decided to speak.

‘So the new interns are pretty outspoken this year huh?’ Jackson said. Y/N looked up at him confused then as her eyebrows broke apart she said, ‘what Blue? Nah, he’s not that bad.’

‘He called you out in front of a patient,’ Jackson reasoned.

‘He called me out in front of you,’ she quipped back, ‘you’re hardly John Doe. And anyway I get what he means. You know I hate special treatment.’

‘And yet you came right away for me,’ Jackson smirked.

‘For your million dollar hand,’ she corrected, ‘and the fact that your mother will find out about this soon enough and I’d rather not have her interrogate me while I work.’

‘Hmm,’ Jackson said. Her movements slowed as she looked at him curiously.

‘What?’

‘Nothing,’ he said.

‘No come on,’ she said knowing he was holding back, ‘spit it out.’

‘It’s just you seem different with him. Any other intern you’d have chewed them out.’

‘Well I haven’t been friends with them since childhood,’ she shrugged.

‘You’ve known him since childhood?’ Jackson asked as his mind scanned back for any recollection that she might have mentioned him to him before.

‘Yeah,’ she said, ‘he’s an old family friend. Our moms are close. He’s not too much younger than me but he’s had some personal stuff so he’s only just catching up that’s why I recommended the programme to him.’

‘You’ve never mentioned him,’ he said.

‘We lost touch a little. I barely have time to see the people in this hospital never mind outside of it,’ she said. Then a memory clicked in Jackson’s head.

‘He’s in that picture of you and your high school friends,’ he said, ‘the one in your hallway.’

‘And here’s me thinking you didn’t notice any of the little things when we were together,’ she chuckled.

‘Hey I noticed enough,’ Jackson smirked which was followed by a wince as she hit a sore spot.

‘Sorry,’ she mumbled returning to her work.

‘It’s okay,’ Jackson said, adding in a low voice, ‘and anyway, I noticed he likes you.’

‘Blue?’ she baulked.

‘Yeah,’ he said.

‘No way,’ she said, ‘we’ve been friends forever.’

‘And?’

‘And,’ she started, ‘and, well I’d know. He’s Blue. The same Blue he’s always been. He doesn’t like me.’

She fell silent for a moment. Panic flooded into the pit of Jackson’s stomach as he watched her work fearing he’d scared her.

‘Y/N,’ he said, ‘I’m not teasing you. I’m being serious.’

‘Jackson,’ she said quietly.

‘I’m just saying,’ he said moving his hand so she was forced to look up at him, ‘remember I’ve been there.’

She watched him for a moment and then went back to her work. Trying to ignore the niggle in the back of her mind.

✵✵✵

‘That went well,’ Y/N said as she slipped her scrub cap off of her head. She walked into the prep room and knocked the tap on, getting ready to de-scrub. She had just operated on Jackson’s hand. Fortunately, it wasn’t too complicated and she had even managed that Jackson could stay awake throughout assisting somewhat. And though she was still wrestling with what Jackson had told her she had allowed Daniel to assist.

‘Yeah,’ Daniel said as he stood beside her, ‘I’ve never had someone back seat drive whilst doing a surgery though.’

‘Jackson knows what he’s doing,’ she said. He seemed irked. And she didn’t know why…though she suspected, ‘and he’s an expert in his field.’

‘I guess,’ he mumbled.

‘Do you not like him?’ she said looking up at him. She wiped her wet hands on a piece of paper towel and tossed it in the trash as she turned around to lean against the sink.

‘What?’ Daniel asked drying off his own hands.

‘Jackson,’ she said, ‘you seem to have a problem with him.’

‘I guess after all the delays I’ve had seeing someone use their name to get whatever they want annoys me,’ he said going to walk away. Y/N placed a hand on his shoulder stopping him. He turned to face her.

‘Jackson didn’t use any name. I mean his mother owns everything in this damn place. If he was throwing money around he could’ve had Link. But he wanted me. Because he’s my friend. He knows how I work. And I know how much he would value me not making a fuss or a scene. I didn’t help him because he’s an Avery. I did it because he’s my friend, in fact, he used to be more than that,’ she said.

‘You two?’ Daniel said his eyebrows knitting together.

‘Yeah,’ she said quietly.

‘I didn’t know you two used to y’know.’

‘Well that’s all old news,’ she said, ‘but he’s still my friend.’

They fell silent for a moment as Daniel nodded taking in her words. And then without warning, Y/N felt the urge to mention what Jackson had told her before. She didn’t know why but she couldn’t stop herself, ‘in fact he seems to think I’ve got something else going on,’ she said turning away so he couldn’t see her face, ‘he thinks me and you are an item. Isn’t that crazy?’

She chuckled to herself but as she heard nothing in response worry grew inside her and she turned to find him watching her stony-faced.

‘I mean, that’s crazy right?’ she said, ‘Blue?’

‘What do you want me to say?’ he sighed looking away from her.

‘I-’

‘Do you want me to say you’re right? That the idea of us is ludicrous? Or do you want me to tell you something else, something different,’ he said coming towards her. Even hours into his shift he still smelled amazing. He reached out and moved a strand of hair from her face causing a tingle to run down her spine.

‘Blue,’ she whispered, ‘why don’t you just tell me the truth?’

‘Because I don’t know if you want the truth,’ he said simply, ‘but the idea of us…isn’t that crazy to me.’

Before she could respond the doors swooshed open behind them and he broke apart from her watching as the scrub staff filed in, ready to get themselves cleaned up. He smiled at her sadly and left the room.

‘Everything okay?’ Tiffany, a scrub nurse, said to her with concern.

‘Yeah,’ Y/N smiled weakly, ‘I just need to tell him something.’

And with that, she bolted out of the room to find Blue.

#my writing #jackson avery #jackson avery fic #jackson avery x reader #daniel kwan #benson kwan #daniel kwan x reader #benson kwan x reader #daniel kwan fic #benson kwan fic #greys anatomy fic #greys #greys anatomy #a crazy idea

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alternis · 1 year

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the au where shiva is Tim's mother has taken over my brain to a worrying extent.

a lot of my dc comics knowledge is still very superficial but I like canonverse despite all its flaws. unfortunately, or fortunately, retcons means I have to make a lot of shit up anyway.

okay, so, au thoughts/summary:

she and Richard Dragon meet whilst training under O-sensei in her early years as Shiva, and have a torrid rivals-to-lovers thing. shiva doesn't realise she's pregnant again until after they've both gone their own ways

there's no dad to take in this one and she has no interest in raising a child herself. but she's curious if, without ever having reason to struggle, this child of two genius fighters would still develop a warriors spirit or inherit her abilities

she picks the Drakes bc they're rich, seem harmless, and also Drake has a similar meaning to Dragon which she finds funny.

She checks on the family occasionally, but its just a "not dead yet" check until Tim suddenly becomes interested in karate and other martial arts (after he realises who batman and robin are). she shows up in the audience of some of his karate competitions but he's definitely Nothing Special, so she peaces out again

until she meets Robin in Paris whilst trying to track down King Snake and recognises his body language. now he's got her attention!

she realises whilst training him that behind his restrained veneer is a future supervillain just waiting for an excuse to go Fucking Batshit. this pleases Lady Shiva and is why she becomes invested in trying to make him snap. he's wasting his potential and running away from what would make him most fulfilled, she is simply being a good mother and encouraging him to be his best self

when he refuses to kill king snake she says some cryptic shit about being like his "real father" which is the first hint Tim has that he's adopted.

but to be the Good Robin and not follow Jason's mistakes, he decides not to delve into that and potentially trigger Bruce into a meltdown. he confirms with Bruce that he was adopted (and Bruce knew about it) since his dad is still comatose, and swears that he isn't interested in his biological parents and won't look into them.

despite being tempted several times, he actually keeps to his word on that

until after his Bad Time where he: lost steph, his dad, and kon; Bart isn't dead yet but is aged up into adulthood; cass has vanished after confronting Shiva; his stepmother, fake uncle and home were all lost when bludhaven got destroyed

in the comics this is when Tim, Bruce and Dick go on a cruise retracing batmans original training journey which was supposed to help heal all their trauma and reset their character arcs (and then Tim comes back and starts trying to clone Kon in a secret basement under titans tower)

here, Tim decides to track down Shiva using the excuse of looking for Cass.

okay here is where my thoughts start splintering out of order so

tim absolutely is Not a genius prodigy martial artist. like he's good in a fight, but that's bc he does a lot of training and is willing to get inventive/creative. his parents being martial artists doesn't mean he inherits Punching Good. he's small and prefers to focus on other skills than fighting, so in a fair fight he'll never match up to people who focus on martial arts.

though on the flipside i can see Shiva viewing his detective's intuition/ability to read a scene for clues as an evolution of her ability to read and manipulate body language, but focused on the world around him rather than an opponent.

idk how to work it in but adoption would for sure complicate Tim and Jack's relationship. Tim can use it to divert suspicion from Robin activities by turning it around on his dad and revealing he figured out the adoption whilst his dad was in a coma, but that only works once.

tim and his dad don't actually sort out their feelings until after tim is forced to quit Robin, with Tim admitting he could have looked up his biological parents with his Robin training and contacts, but the same way his parents 'chose him' to adopt, he also chose to think of Janet and Jack, (and later Jack and Dana), as his Real Parents.

tim is the kind of hypocrite to say that people's parents don't define them whilst also absolutely judging people based on their parents/upbringing. discovering his birth father is some kind of wandering adventurer/vigilante/martial arts teacher? cool! discovering his birth mother is the villainous hitman who keeps trying to convince him to kill people, and wants to fight to the death for Glorious Combat? not cool!

he is Aware that he told kon that having luthors dna didn't define him, but now is worrying that shiva's dna Does change who he is fundamentally. this doesn't make him stop judging himself, it just makes him feel bad about doing so.

he's also aware that worrying about shiva's influence on his dna doesn't make sense bc it doesn't change his opinion on cass being Very Cool and morally upstanding. turns out being aware of your emotional baggage/distorted thinking doesnt fix your problems.

he's already met future evil batman Tim. realising he has a ~killer in his bloodline~ gives him another existential panic about whether he's destined to kill people regardless of how he feels right now.

he doesn't call Shiva his mom/mother. its first names only, although if relevant he'll call her his "biological mother" or "the woman who gave birth to me"

he also is absolutely the sort of person to distinguish between siblings and half-siblings, and after the reveal refers to cass as his half-sister rather than sister, which I can see her disliking and causing friction between them

I think if he does get to meet Richard Dragon it would be bc Dragon trained oracle on how to fight. he seeks out Dragon via Babs with the excuse of wanting to learn from him, whilst really assessing what Dragon is like as a person and whether he wants to admit their relationship (he doesn't realise that this is effectively an inverse of how he and Shiva first met, but I the author like the parallel here)

also this au gives me a perfect opportunity to avoid the evil cass storyline. I think it would be funny for Tim to end up temporarily leading the league of assassins instead of her, but try and make the league stop doing murders bc he isn't being drugged by deathstroke. I mean he already knew somebody who inherited a cult and tried to make them stop doing evil.

this is where I start getting too many contradictory ideas and have to stop typing. I want to read cass's batgirl run and every Shiva appearance in dc, and also eat a cesna light aircraft

#shiva halfsibs au #tim drake

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lizzybeth1986 · 1 year

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HC: The Children of the House of Rys

The Petals and Thornes universe deviates from canon, from TRH onwards. I do keep a few elements (some of the countries and the smaller stories about Eleanor, as well as the growing friendship between Constantine and Godfrey+ Bartie Sr.) but I don't follow the plot at all post TRR3.

Liam and Esther stay busy in various royal engagements and renewing political ties in the first two years, before having their first child. They have 3 children in total, their youngest two being twins.

As parents both are insistent on being as involved as it is possible to be in the roles they have as royals. Both came from backgrounds where one parent was distant for different reasons, and the other was very involved. Both know the importance of having both parents work in tandem to create a happy environment for the children. It takes a few years, but they do get the hang of it.

Crown Princess Sofia/Sofia Eleanor Annelyse Regina Rys:

(FC: Im Jin Ah)

• Queen Esther's pregnancy with Sofia was a joyful time for the couple, but also brought to the fore past traumas that both Sofia's mother and father had been trying to avoid addressing. Thankfully, they got treatment in time and had a safe, happy birth.

• Her name is a nod to both her father's mothers, and Annelyse is a nod to her godma Hana.

• Liam gives his children Korean names, just like his mother did with him. Sofia's Korean name is Moon Jang Mi, after her father's favourite flower, the rose. (Liam's Hangul name is Moon In-su, and his mother Eleanor's was Moon Eun-ju).

• Sofia takes after her father. She is gentle and compassionate, but also strong-willed and needs a lot of convincing before she can change her mind about something.

• Liam is popular among the farming communities, especially Applewood. Sofia has a lot of goodwill among that community but is a bit more popular among the fisher communities, as she feels a special closeness to the coasts.

• She has been wanting to participate in Council activities since she was a teenager, and knew that as a royal who has significantly more privilege amongst nobility and the commoner section, it is important that she prove her mettle to the members. Later, she will meet the love of her life, Valerie Hawke, in her first years as a Council memeber. Valerie is the daughter of a Lythikan commoner, and since Olivia doesn't have any children she appoints Val as her heir.

• She swears by anything caramel. She has a HUGE sweet tooth.

• Sofia has had a knack for storytelling since she was five. Esther - glad for the chance to impart her English teaching experience at home - actively encourages her in this, including devising exercises to help with her creative writing skills.

• She moves away from writing stories when she's a teenager but her own flair for language definitely makes her a dream to work with when writing speeches and delivering addresses.

• While her mother and father focused on reviving the economy, education and mental health primarily, mental health and cultural revivals is what Sofia gets recognised for as Queen.

• Her nickname is Fifi.

Theo Alexander Isiah Rys/Prince Theo:

(FC: Huening Kai)

• Shares in his sister's creative writing interests, except he is more inclined towards writing fiction and does so under a penname as an adult. However, unlike his sister, he develops this interest later in life.

• Both Theo and his twin brother Phillip are born 3 years after the birth of their elder sister Sofia. Theo's Korean name is Moon Yong Sun and Philip's is Moon Yong Jae.

• One of his middle names, Isiah, is a small nod to Esther's mother Isabelle

• Cannot really wrap his head around politics.

• Is the only grandchild of Eleanor's that is gifted with a guitar. He likes to boast that his singing ability is better than his dad's too (Liam is fine in a chorus but...not great on his own 😂😂)

• He and Philip are of the same age as Hana and Kiara's twins Fleur and Guillaume, and the four could often be seen hanging out of having sleepovers as teens. They're still a tight-knit group even into adulthood.

• He's the only one of the three who doesn't have a nickname. First because his name is short enough, second because he dislikes nicknames for himself.

• He and Guillaume have major crushes on each other as teens, are awkward as HELL about it, and admit to their feelings when they're adults.

Phillip Louis Florian Rys/ Prince Phillip:

(FC: Hansol Vernon Choi)

• Had a fascination for flip-books as a child

• That is also how he got his nickname in the household - "Flip". For a long time it was the only name he would respond to and by the time he grew out of that phase the name had stuck 🤦🏽‍♀️

• One of his middle names is a tribute to his maternal grandfather.

• Among the three, he is the most accomplished artist. To the immense annoyance of both his siblings and the Lee-Thorne children, he loves the smell of turpentine. Joëlle adores him on sight.

• He also has a special place in his heart for public libraries and secretly does a lot of work to fund and popularize them. The Applewood library is his favourite.

• Consummate tea drinker. Cannot understand his father's love for coffee.

• The rest of the family loves New York, but both Philip and his mom have a special place in their hearts for New Orleans. Because of that, every vacation to America will involve a ride to Louisiana. Loves bananas foster and King Cake.

• Flip meets a young woman from the Blackspine Mountains when he is 24, and it's love at first sight.

Family HCs:

• Family picnics are a regular practice in the royal household, and Esther likes for it to happen in different areas of the country at a time so that the children can familiarize themselves with the landscape of their vast country. Theo always brings his guitar and at night they always sing by a bonfire.

• Languages the royal children pick up - Greek and English are the main ones, as well as Korean from their father and French from their mother. Additionally Fifi takes an interest in Spanish, Theo in Amharic and Fula (encouraged by a family friend who is a Princess of Orphys), and Flip is interested in Japanese.

• Food fights are cathartic. But you'd BETTER clear up at least some of the mess yourself afterwards rather than leave all of that to the palace staff.

#king liam #kingliamappreciationweek #KLAW #the royal romance #the royal heir #the royal finale #KLAW Day 4 #KLAW Day 4: Family #lizzybeth1986 #content: headcanon

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secretswiftymarvelfan · 1 year

Text

The Demigod From Asgard - Steve Roger x Reader (Part 62)

Summary: Back on earth its time to get back to what you do best, but old scars refused to fade.

Word Count: 5.4k

Warnings: Heavy Angst! Talk of previous trauma! Hostage Situation! Language! Violence!

Dividers by @firefly-graphics

Series Masterlist / Masterlist

Chapter 62: A Skeleton In The Closet

It was a sunny and hot day in Asgard so you and Steve were just relaxing on one of the balconies that overlooked the city. You were sat between Steve's legs as you rested against his chest. His arms were loosely wrapped around you, drawing patterns on your skin with his fingers.

The two of you were quietly talking when Odin suddenly burst onto the balcony making you sit up in surprise.

“Father, what is it?” You ask him concerned.

“I’ve received word from midguard that you two are to return immediately,” Odin says quickly.

“What’s happened?” You ask standing up.

“We do not know, your bags have already been packed and Skurge is waiting for you,” Odin says beginning to usher you and Steve out.

“Oh okay, sure we’ll head straight over,” you say nodding your head as you looked up at Steve.

“Yeah, thank you for having us, we’ve had a great time and it was nice meeting you,” Steve says holding out his hand.

“Uh yes, pleasure meeting you too” Odin mutters quickly shaking Steve’s hand.

You look at your father trying to work out what exactly to say “thank you father, I hope I’ll see you soon” you smile.

Odin just nods giving you a small smile. You tried not to feel disheartened at your father's cold exterior. Even if he had been more affectionate the past month, this was the version you grew up with.

You glance up at Steve before turning to leave. Just as step away you feel someone's hand on your shoulder. You expected it to be Steve but when you turn you find out that it was in fact, Odin.

“Father?” You question.

“It’s been lovely to see you again Y/N, Asgard isn’t the same without you, but I know earth needs you more,” Odin says squeezing your shoulders.

You look back at him in surprise but if that surprised you, you definitely weren’t expecting him to pull you into a hug which he promptly did.

“Swear to me that you won’t let anything happen to her,” Odin says pointing at Steve when he pulled out of the hug.

“Yes of course sir, I’d lay down my life to protect hers” Steve nods putting his hand on your back.

“Good now, I won’t keep you any longer,” Odin tells you stepping back.

“Thank you father, see you soon hopefully” you smile taking Steve's hands.

“Hopefully not too soon” Odin smirks making you chuckle.

“Bye father” you chuckle heading out.

As you rounded the corner you smirk up at Steve “yes sir” you mock.

“Shut up” Steve laughs nudging your shoulder as you laughed.

Your bags were waiting for you once you reached Skurge at the end of the rainbow bridge.

“Where are we going?” Steve asks as he picks up the bags.

“Um, Sundan?” Skurge says as he moves quickly back to his position.

“You mean Sudan?” You ask raising a brow.

“Yeah sure, nice meeting you, bye!” Skurge says activating the Bifrost.

You roll your eyes wishing Heimdall was here instead but take Steve’s hand.

“Come on let's go” you sigh leading Steve towards the Bifrost.

As you travelled through the Bifrost you prepared yourself to land, and to help Steve land. However, you were expecting to land on solid ground, not with a literal splash. The two of you landing off the coast of Sudan

“What the fuck!” You exclaim as you and Steve surface spluttering.

“I’m guessing we were supposed to land over on that beach over there,” Steve says nodding to the beach in the distance.

As you looked over at the beach you spotted a series of small huts and small buildings. You watched as a small group walked out of one of the larger buildings. 3 of them you recognised as Sam, Nat and Wanda but then another two people joined them.

“Is that Fury?” You ask surprised.

“Looks like it, come on let's go see what’s going on,” Steve says starting to swim to shore.

“Well, you two certainly made a splash” Nat smirks as you walk up the beach.

“Nice to see you too Romanoff” Steve deadpans running his hand through his wet hair.

“I see you’ve found some company,” you say nodding your head over to Fury and Maria.

“Yeah, they’ve got some news for all of us,” Sam says chucking you and Steve and towel each.

“Good or bad?” You ask passing your towel to Steve opting to use your powers to dry off instead.

“Depends on your definition” Nat states as you head towards Fury.

“Got enough vitamin sea?” Fury asks as you meet him.

“Acting and comedy, you have an endless list of talents” you deadpan.

“What is this place?” Steve asks glancing around at the small huts.

“The red sea diving resort, Mossad use to run missions smuggling refugees out of the country through this place, SHIELD ended up buying it back in the late 90s” Fury explained as you all walk inside one of the larger huts that had a dining area inside.

“You aren’t here to arrest us are you?” You ask as you sit down at the table.

“No, but I have been following your movements since Wakanda” Fury says crossing his arms over his chest.

“How? We got rid of every tracker” Steve asks with a frown.

“Bitch please? You didn’t think I’d notice you lot using old SHIELD safe houses?” Fury says with an amused huff.

“Fair point, so why are you here?” You question getting straight to the point.

“The accords aren’t working,” Maria tells you making you snort.

“Who’d have thunk it?” You scoff shaking your head.

“And every bad guy out there is taking advantage, but the UN are too busy arguing over how to fix it to actually fix it” Fury explains resting his hands on the back of a chair.

“What are you thinking?” Steve asks raising a brow.

“I’m thinking I need a group of highly trained individuals with experience with dealing with this sorta shit who are willing to get dirty to do it” Fury states.

Steve sighs glancing around at the team as he thought about the implications of what Fury was suggesting.

“So you want us to go on missions for you again? When we’re supposed to be hiding from the law?” You question spotting the obvious issue with the plan.

“Yes, but we can offer you guys protection, the last couple of weeks we’ve been keeping Ross off your backs allowing you to do the work the world needs” Maria explains.

Steve nods his head slightly before looking over his shoulder at Nat “what do you guys think?” He asks.

“I think you already know what we think, but it's up to you cap,” Nat tells him.

Steve looks over at you pursing his lips in thought. The past month had been a nice break from everything. He wasn’t sure what to do, what was best for everyone and you.

“Can we have some time to think it over?” You ask breaking Steve from his train of thought.

“Of course, you guys must be tired, the hut on the end is yours, and whatever you decide SHIELD will be watching your backs” Fury nods his head.

“Thanks Nick,” Steve says standing up and taking your hand.

You and Steve walked in silence down the beach towards your designated hut. Walking inside the first thing you did was open up the shutters to get some fresh air and beat the dust and sand out of the bedding.

Steve placed your damp packs down by the door to be sorted out later before sitting down on the bed with a deep sigh.

“I didn’t think we’d be straight back into everything so suddenly” Steve sighs resting his head back against his raised arm.

“Me neither what are you thinking about it all?” You ask sitting down beside him.

“I don’t know, I don’t like knowing that there’s people out there taking advantage of the accords, I feel like I should be doing something since there isn’t anyone else that can” Steve sighs keeping his eyes on the ceiling.

“Then let's help,” you say making him look back at you in surprise.

“Is that what you want? Because I don’t want you doing this because you think I do” Steve says sitting up and turning to face you.

“Yeah, I’ll be lying if I said I didn’t feel a little jealous watching the guards on Asgard train, I know we said we’d retire but that was before everything and we can’t exactly do what we were planning to do during our retirement so why not fight a little longer?” You explain shrugging your shoulders slightly.

“I just feel bad because our future seems so uncertain, I don’t want to fight forever” Steve sighs shaking his head.

“It won’t be, we can see how this goes and if we decide after a couple of months this isn’t what we want then we’ll stop, change our names and go start a family in some random country,” you tell him taking his hand and squeezing it.

“With a dog?” Steve asks with a small smirk making you laugh

“Yes with a dog, I swear you love the idea of a dog more than me sometimes” you laugh shaking your head at him.

“There is nothing and no one in this universe that I’ll love more than you” Steve smiles cupping your cheek and bringing your lips to his for a slow and gentle kiss.

“So we’ve decided to give it a shot and see how it goes” you confirm once he pulls away.

“Yes but let’s not tell them yet, I want this peace to last just a little bit longer” Steve smiles pulling you down so the both of you were lying down, your head resting on his chest.

“You don’t have to tell me twice” you smile snuggling up closer to him.

Steve smiles wrapping his arms around you tightly, pressing a kiss to the top of your head with a contented sigh. He could feel you doze off in his arms. Your breathing becomes deep and regular. He however stayed awake a little longer thinking about getting back to the action. He knew he wasn’t and couldn’t be Captain America anymore but he was helping people and that’s all that mattered.

It was the evening when the two of you finally re-emerged from the hut. Down the beach, you could see that the group had lit a bonfire on the beach. Steve took your hand in his as you walked down the beach joining the others.

“Finally! I thought a month away would get it out of your system but clearly not” Nat smirks as you sit down by the fire.

“We didn’t Romanoff, we just slept that’s all” Steve sighs sending her a pointed look.

“They clearly wore themselves out” Sam smirks taking a sip of his beer.

You chuckle shaking your head as Steve groans pinching the bridge of his nose.

“As thrilling as this conversation is should we get back to business?” Maria asks with an amused smile.

“Sure, we’ve decided that we want to help,” Steve says nodding his head as he looked over at Fury.

“Good, because we’ve already got something for you,” Fury says leaving forward in his chair.

“So soon?” Wanda asks surprised.

“Bad guys don’t really take time off” Fury points out, Steve hums in agreement.

“Well tomorrow we’ll make a plan and head out the day after, but tonight let’s just relax,” Steve says looking around at the group.

“Even without the stars and stripes, you’re still the man with the plan” Sam smirks making the whole group chuckle.

Steve smile reaching out to hold your hand weaving his fingers with yours. You smile over at him and Steve couldn’t help but smile back warmly. As the fire cast a warm glow over your face he could see how happy you truly were. Even though you were on the run, on the beach of an abandoned resort you were still smiling happily. Putting to rest any doubt Steve still had that he was doing the wrong thing.

In the 5 weeks since agreeing to work with Fury, the team had been kept busy. You took down base after base slowly working through the list of criminals exploiting the accords.

You’d also bounced around a lot more, but you all felt much more settled this time. You were moving around for missions not because you had been spotted by a member of the public.

You had just finished a mission taking down an Albanian mob, retreating to a safe house on a rainy hillside. You had just stepped out of the shower, wiping away the condensation on the mirror. Instantly your eyes landed on the scars on your neck.

You sighed as you reached up and ran your fingers over the burn marks on your neck. A painful reminder of the time spent in the raft and the hours of torture you endured. It frustrated you at how long they were taking to fade. You were starting to think they never would.

“Hey, how are you feeling?” Steve asks walking into the bathroom.

“Huh? Oh fine, just a few bruises” you say pulling your hand away and giving him a small smile through the mirror.

“Good, I think Sam’s cooking up some food,” Steve says kissing your temple before stepping into the shower.

“Sounds nice” you hum stepping out of the bathroom.

As you dried off and got dressed you couldn’t stop your mind from going down the dark rabbit hole. Your mind replayed every time the collar was activated. You sat down on the edge of the bed rubbing your neck to stop the burning sensation you were starting to feel.

“Pull yourself together Y/N” you mutter to yourself running your hands over your face with a shake of your head.

You pushed yourself up grabbing a sweater and pulling it on before heading out of the bedroom to join the others.

“Hey, you hungry?” Sam asks when he spots you.

“Not really, just tired,” you say as you sit down.

“That’s not like you, is everything okay?” Sam asks raising a brow.

“Yeah I’m fine,” you say forcing a smile.

“Okay well eat what you can, you know how much of a worrier Steve can get” Sam smirks and you have to force a huff of a laugh, knowing all too well what Steve could get like.

Slowly the rest of the team appear and start tucking into the food as they discussed the mission and debriefed. You however didn’t participate much, only talking when you needed to. You just weren’t feeling it, your mind unable to allow yourself to enjoy hanging out with the team.

Steve had just laughed at a joke Sam had made, naturally glancing over at you as he did so. He expected to see you laughing along but you weren’t. He watched as you stared at a spot on the table, leaning on your elbow and rubbing the back of your neck.

He reached over and took your free hand, earning a small smile from you. He kept hold of your hand for the rest of the evening, gently stroking your hand with his thumb hoping that he was helping you forget whatever was on your mind.

Everyone decided to turn in early that night, all feeling worn out from the mission. Steve was sitting at the foot of the bed as he pulled off his top ready for bed. When he glanced up he spotted you in the bathroom standing in front of the mirror your fingers running over the scars on your neck. He watched you sadly as you inspected them with a disappointed sigh.

Pushing himself up he walked into the bathroom moving to stand behind you. Wrapping his arms around you tightly as he kissed your shoulder.

“What’s wrong?” He asked looking at you through the mirror.

“Nothing’s wrong I-“ You start, shaking your head before Steve interrupts.

“Y/N-“ he sighs knowingly.

You drop your head with a deep sigh before looking back up, your eyes meeting his through the mirror.

“I hate my scars, I just want them to go away but they won’t” you admit.

“I have fought countless battles and been injured more times than I can remember but all of those scars faded, yet the scars I got when I was at my weakest and couldn’t fight are the ones that remain. A permanent reminder of how weak and pathetic I was” you say dropping your head as tears collected in your eyes.

“Hey look at me,” Steve says hugging you tighter so you’d look up.

“You are not weak, the only thing those scars show is how strong you are because you survived. Everyone said what that asshole did to you would have killed anyone else, but you survived it not because of your Asgardian blood but because of how strong you are in here” Steve says tapping your chest right where your heart is.

As he spoke your lip trembled and it was a losing battle as tears rolled down your face. Your hold body shuddered as you tried and failed to contain your tears.

“I understand why you don’t like them, but they will fade in time, but in the meantime don’t let them make you feel weak and inadequate, because you certainly weren’t when you took out that massive guard with a flick of your wrist earlier,” Steve tells you kissing your shoulders.

You close your eyes as you feel his lips linger on your shoulders before slowly moving towards your neck. Your breath catches when his lips press against your scars.

“You don’t hate them? Think that they’re ugly?” You mutter scared of what his answer could be.

“Never, they’re part of you and I love every inch of you,” Steve says kissing your neck more to prove his point.

“I love you Stevie” you sigh placing your hands over his.

“I love you too Princess” he smiles kissing your cheek.

A week later you were all on yet another mission. This time in the snowy alps. It was just a simple reconnaissance mission, in and out with little hassle.

You were sat in the corner of the jet as you prepared everything you needed. Taking a deep breath as you did so. For whatever reason, you’d woken with a strange feeling. One that had put you on edge all day.

“You all ready to go?” Steve asks walking over to you and running his hand through his increasingly longer hair.

“Yeah” you sigh tugging at the sleeves of the black stealth suit you’d been wearing on missions.

“Everything okay you seem preoccupied?” Steve asks quietly as he moves to sit beside you.

“I think so, I dunno I just have this weird feeling in my gut, have done since I woke up this morning” you sigh rubbing your stomach hoping to ease the feeling.

“What do you think it means?” Steve asks his hand moving to rest on your lower back.

“Probably nothing, it’s just making me all nervy like something isn’t right” you admit with a shake of your head.

“Hey look if you want you could stay back here on the jet? This is a simple mission we don’t need all of us” Steve tells you, but you shake your head.

“No it's fine, I’m fine really, plus we haven’t got Wanda so it would be good to have at least one enhanced person around” you reassure him.

“Okay, but if you start feeling like something isn’t right, listen to your gut because it hasn’t been wrong before” Steve reminds you.

“I will I promise” you agree leaning over to kiss him.

“Ready lovebirds? We’re landing” Nat calls over with a smirk.

You chuckle cracking your first real smile of the day, Steve smiling along with you.

“C’mon doll” Steve smiles holding out his hand for you.

The base was deserted when you arrived. It was dark and damp, you led the group using your powers to create a small fireball to light the way. Steve closely follows behind you, Sam and Nat taking up the rear. The only signs of life being the sounds of rats scurrying around.

“Gross” Sam mutters as one ran past you all.

“I thought Falcons hunted rodents” Nat smirks as she walked behind him.

“Not this falcon” Sam retorts.

“Let’s all split up and get out of this dump sooner, that good with everyone?” Steve asks glancing over at you.

“Sure, but stay on comms in case there’s any skeletons in the closet” you agree nodding with the rest of the group.

“Great, Y/N you take the north side, Sam you take the south, Nat you go west and I’ll hit east,” Steve says looking around at the group.

“Deal, hope you’re not scared of the dark” Nat smirks as the team splits up.

As you walked through the north wing of the building you checked all the rooms for any intel. The further you went from the group the worst the feeling in your gut got. You paused outside a room leaning against the wall as you tried to get a hold of yourself. You jumped slightly when you heard a splash down the dark corridor.

“Steve? Nat?” You called out but got no response.

Deciding it was probably just a rat running through a puddle you calmed yourself down. Taking a deep breath before turning around and entering the room.

It was exactly like the rest, a bunch of tables and chairs were strewn about. Old filing cabinets line the walls, some half open with old files on the floor below. However, you froze when you heard a gun click behind you.

“Long time no see sugar” you instantly recognised the voice and felt the urge to vomit.

“Now put that little flame out and turn around so I can see that pretty face of yours” the voice ordered.

“And if I don’t?” You ask trying to stop your voice from cracking.

“Then I’ll blow your brains out,” he said and you could practically hear the smirk.

You took a couple of deep breaths trying to get yourself to calm down, and work out a way to fight your way out of this.

“Now!” He growls pushing the gun further into the back of your skull.

You bite your lip to stop it from trembling as you extinguished the flame in your hand and turn around to face him. As soon as you were face to face with him you felt your heart rate accelerate in fear. The guard who tortured you in the raft just smirked as he watched you.

“What are you doing here?” You manage to ask.

“Well after the little stunt cap pulled, I got fired, but when I heard about reports of the nomad running around Europe I knew it had to be you lot” The guard explained as he kept the gun aimed at your forehead.

“Nobody believed me when I told them it was you, so just picture the look on their faces when I drag you to them” he smirks with a huff of a laugh.

“We’d stop you before you got the chance,” you say through gritted teeth making him scoff.

“Sugar I’ve already got the rest of the team, birdbrain was easy and all that KGB training didn’t help Widow escape my bullet, and your dear husband is tied up unconscious waiting for you” he smirks.

“I don’t believe you” you mutter shaking your head.

“I got the jump you didn’t I? And I thought you were the strongest on the team?” He points out with a smug smile.

“But this is the best part, I’m not gonna take you to Ross, not straight away. First I’m gonna take you to see your husband one last time, make you watch as I put a bullet in his brain” he explains pressing the gun harshly against your temple and making you wince.

“Then you and I are gonna spend some time together, just you and me, where I’m gonna enjoy doing everything that we didn’t get the chance to in the raft” he smirks and despite your best efforts to appear strong, tears start falling down your face.

“I- I won’t let you” you stutter as your breathing gets more ragged.

“You won’t get the choice sugar, but don’t worry once I’m done you’ll be begging for more,” he tells you taking a step closer to you and you screw your eyes shut in fear.

You feel him get closer and closer, his breath hitting you making you feel sick. You wanted to do something, anything but you was frozen in fear. All you could do was stand there and wait for the inevitable.

You waited for his hand to start touching you but it never happens. Instead, you heard a deep almost animalistic growl followed by the sound of something large crashing into the metal filing cabinets.

You open your eyes in surprise and in the dim room you see Steve standing glaring at the corner of the room. His hands were clenched and all his muscles tensed making him look much bigger than he already was. You see the fire in his eyes and fury etched across his face.

Following his gaze, you spot the guard slumped against the filing cabinets which were now all dented from where Steve had thrown him across the room. The guard groans as he lifts his head with a weak chuckle. His gun was on the floor only a short distance from his hand. As you see him reach for it you instinctively fire ice at it freezing the gun in a large lump of ice.

“Frigid bitch” the guard spits shaking his head.

Steve growls stalking over to the guard grabbing him by the collar and slamming him into the wall.

“Say that again I fucking dare you” Steve growls slamming him into the wall again.

The guard laughs weakly glancing over at you before looking back at Steve “Frigid… Bitch” he smirks.

The words had barely left his mouth before Steve punched him knocking him down to the floor. Anger took over as Steve didn’t wait for the guard to get back up. He pinned him to the ground, repeatedly punching the man that caused you so much pain. With every punch, more blood appeared on the guy's face, and Steve knew some of it was from his split knuckles.

You watch in shock and horror as Steve repeatedly punched the guard. You’d witnessed Steve fighting plenty of times but this was different. It was frenzied and dark, it wasn’t a side of Steve that you knew. The guard wasn’t even fighting back anymore, and you knew if Steve didn’t stop soon he would kill the guard.

“Steve, Steve! Steve stop, Steve please- Steve please stop” you cry out but he doesn’t and you hear more sickening crunches.

“Steve stop! Please Steve! Stop it!” You shout tears streaming down your face.

“Steve!” You scream grabbing his shoulder and pulling him back.

Steve looks up at you completely shocked, unable to understand why you’d stopped him.

“Please stop you’ll kill him” you beg through your tears.

“He deserves it! For everything he did to you!” Steve argues looking back down at the unconscious guard in anger.

“No he doesn’t! Death would be too easy for him, I will have to live with what he did for the rest of my life!” You sob shaking your head.

“Y/N-“ Steve mutters the anger instantly leaving his body.

“It's only fair that he has to pay for it for the rest of his” you stutter your arms wrapping around yourself protectively as you sob uncontrollably.

“Okay, okay, I’ll stop,” Steve says holding up his bloodied hands as he stands up.

“I- I need some air” you gasp in between sobs before dashing out of the door.

You run through the base before bursting outside taking a deep gasping breath of the cold air. You stumble through the snow, tripping slightly but managing to catch yourself on a tree. The sick feeling in your gut returns in a tsunami-like wave. You double over retching as you vomit, tears streaming down your face. As you empty your stomach you feel someone touch your back making you flinch.

“Hey, hey it's okay, you’re safe now,” Steve says soothingly.

“Where- where is he?” You ask through your tears.

“Nat and Sam have him, he’s not getting away anytime soon,” Steve tells you as he continues to rub your back soothingly.

“They’re not dead? He told me he’d killed them” You stutter looking over at him.

“No he was lying to get to you,” Steve says shaking his head.

You let out a relieved sob as you move to lean against the tree, still bent over hands on your knees.

“You’re okay, nobody can hurt you now” Steve reminds you squeezing your shoulder.

You glance up and your eyes meet his. His bright blue eyes were no longer filled with fury, only sorrow and concern as he watched you. Without hesitating you wrap your arms around him seeking his warmth and comfort. He instantly responds holding you close and kissing the top of your head as he stroked the back of your head.

“I’m sorry” Steve muttered once your sobs had receded.

“You really scared me Steve” you admit looking up at him.

“I know and I’m so sorry, I let my anger get the better of me” he sighed shaking his head shamefully.

“I know, and I hate him so much, but I just couldn’t bare the idea of you killing him in cold blood” you mutter looking down more tears falling.

“I know, and now he’ll spend the rest of his life paying for everything he did to you” Steve promises you.

You nod your head giving him a small and weak smile as he kisses the top of your forehead. As he pulls away you spot Nat and Sam dragging the guard out of the base. They exchanged a couple of words before Nat walks over.

“He’s in a bad way but he’ll live” Nat sighs hands on her hips.

“Good” Steve nods glancing down at you as he rubs your back.

“Me and Sam think a Wakandan prison will suit him well,” Nat tells you.

“Agreed, get in contact with Okoye so she can send someone to get him” Steve agrees.

Nat nods giving you a reassuring smile before turning to walk towards the jet.

While you all waited for the Dora Milaje to arrive you stayed at your spot by the tree. Steve sitting beside you in the snow holding your hand as you rested your head on his shoulder. Sam bringing you a blanket and a bottle of water.

Soon enough a second jet landed and you watched as not only the Dora Milaje but also T’Challa stepped out.

“T’Challa, you didn’t need to come all this way,” Steve says as stood up.

“It’s nothing, I wanted to personally escort him to Wakanda, ensure he gets the punishment he deserves,” T’Challa says glancing down at you.

“Thank you T’Challa, I already owe you so much,” Steve says shaking his hand.

“It’s my dept to pay Captain, Wakanda will always be your ally” T’Challa.

“Thank you” Steve smiles.

The three of you watch as the Dora Milaje pass by escorting the wounded handcuffed guard onto their jet. You drop your gaze when his eyes meet yours with as much of a smirk as he can manage with his busted face.

“Get some rest the both of you, you need it,” T’Challa says nodding to the both of you.

“We will, thank you again” Steve agrees looking over his shoulder at you.

“I hope to see you both soon, Wakanda is always open to its friends” T’Challa reminds you before turning to leave.

Once the jet was gone Steve turned around and crouched in front of you putting his hand on your knee.

“You ready to go?” He asks gently.

“Yeah” you whisper taking his hand and letting him help you stand.

His arm instantly wraps around you holding you close as you walk back to the jet in silence. You glance back at the base one last time before climbing on the jet. The doors shut as you sit down beside Steve. Your rest your head on his shoulder and close your eyes as you tried to forget everything that happened in that base.

Sharing is caring so please reblog if you enjoyed this and maybe even leave a comment to make my day!

Series Masterlist / Masterlist

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#NiamhWrites #the demigod from asgard series #Steve Rogers #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers x y/n #steve rogers x you #captainamerica #captain america x reader #captain america x y/n #captain america x you #marvel #mcu #Chris Evans

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too-many-rooks · 2 months

Text

Writing procrastination game!

Thanks @lastlymatt for tagging me, I got rambly so I’ll put this under a ‘read more’

Tagging @pigandpepper @known-concepts @countessrivers

1.) what’s the name of one of your wips?

My doc names are usually very boring 95% of the time I finish a fic and think it’s ready to post and realise I need a title. How about ‘Yassen Bedroom Visit’?

2.) Describe a Wip in the format of __+__=__

SCORPIA heir Alex + totally normal kidnapping and drugging in the middle of the night get to safety orienteering exercises = childhood trauma

3.) What tags/warnings will one of your Wips need if you share it?

Forced child seperation?

4.) alternative title to a wip?

I don’t really have alternate titles! Titles tend to come pretty late in the process!

5.) which wip are you most likely to update/finish next?

Probably one of my s3 aus I’ve got brewing, there’s a longer thing I posted the first chapter of today but I also have some one shots, one where Yassen gets wounded fighting off Alex’s enemies and Alex basically has to hold him down to say he cares about him, and another where Yassen comes to chat to him in the middle of the night (while Alex is sleeping) and they catch up.

6.) what is one of your wip’s document title, not what it’s name is but what you have it saved as?

Again, extremely boring. Some examples - ‘Tom/House introduction’, ‘stables’, ‘the ball’, ‘heir apparent 1-9’, ‘hunting’ ‘hostage’ ‘orienteering.’

On reflection, these are very badly organised. But, hey Ho.

7.) post any sentence from your WIP?

Okay this took me forever to decide bc I want to share like, all of my sentences, but here’s a sentence from my SCORPIA heir Alex thing where Yassen just tries to take a day off, but is interrupted by Alex sneaking out of school/the country and mountain his school is on

‘Rubbing his eyes with his forefinger and thumb, he blocked out the little blonde headache sat before him, and sighed, already imagining the state of his email inbox when he got back to his laptop, which he’d sworn would stay folded in its case for the rest of the day.

“And how long ago was this? When should I start expecting panicked calls from your father?”‘

8.) a scrapped idea from your WIP?

Not necessarily a scrapped idea but evidently one I forgot about and rediscovered as I was flicking through google docs - originally a pre-season 3 idea (but could work post s3) where Yassen retires, and decides it’s time for Alex to retire too, even if he doesn’t want to. Very “congratulations you are being adopted! Do not resist.” Meme with Yassen that I’ve seen on here, the bit I’d written was him contemplating the least traumatising way to kidnap him, to make sure they’re a happy family unit post-kidnapping

9.) what’s a story you would love to write but have yet to start?

Alex sees dead people AU - Ian knows, when he dies his ghost becomes bound to Alex, and helps take care of him/watch over him in the field, Alex bumps into Yassen at Point Blanc and immediately recognises the ghost bound to him as his father, especially as he begs the assassin to stop pretending like he can’t hear him for once and let him see his son, to protect him.

10.) how many WIPs are you actively working on?

Four - regency fic, darker Alex s3 au, two other s3 aus I mentioned earlier. Suprised myself by how much of this longer ‘SCORPIA heir’ Alex thing that I’d put off for a while I’ve actually written. That’s one that I really want to finish before I start posting bc I’m bad at doing work without an immediate emotional reward/it’s a longer than anything I’ve written before and I don’t want to give up on it when it’s half published. I had been delaying it till after s3 but maybe time to get to work (will try and finish regency fic first)

11.) is there a scene your struggling to write now?

Oh I mean so many but the most immediate stumbling block is with the regency fic, chapter after this one they go to a ball and that’s almost basically written and so is a lot of the next two chapters but there’s things I need to thread into this chapter that just don’t want to be threaded - I need Alex to start being a bit more suspicious of Yassen, and remember that whole thing about his uncle being murdered now he’s a bit passed the initial princess diaries revelation moment.

I was thinking like Alex waiting up for him on Christmas Eve or something and falls asleep then is woken by Yassen sneaking back in and Alex noticed he’s got blood on his clothes or something and Yassen just shrugs him off and reacts more strictly/authoritatively than he has before. But the scene is a bit sludgy I my mind atm.

12.) Not a question but a second kudos!

#Alex rider #tag game

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isbergillustration · 2 years

Text

There was something wrong with River. She herself was not entirely certain what it was, but she felt it. Not in the way her therapist suggested, not in a self-deprecating way, but on some more fundamental level.

One day, four years ago, River woke up. Which was fine, everyone wakes up, but she woke up in a bed that was not hers in an apartment she had no memory of. Even the city of Alm she didn’t remember. Nor, even more alarmingly, did she recognise her face in the mirror. As anyone who found themselves in this situation did, she did some serious research before she tried reaching out to anyone about this. She remembered, after all, the world and how it worked, just not how she herself fit into it.

Retrograde amnesia, that is, the loss of long term past memories, is a lot less common than the film industry would lead you to believe. One is much more likely to mess up ones ability to form new memories than one is to somehow delete the old ones. Childhood memories in particular are very well encoded in our brains. This is why old people losing their memory often seem to be stuck in the distant past, failing to remember who younger relatives are.

River had learnt quite a lot about amnesia in the last four years. She had been to several doctors and had her brain scanned a few times, but they deemed her too well adjusted and functioning to prioritise what was wrong with her. Be grateful, one neurologist had told her, you might have repressed some terrible traumas that you no longer have to be aware of. This had seemed to River to be quite a callously practical approach, but maybe they had been right. Eventually she learned to get on with what was evidently her life.

She had woken up to some measure of security; a job as a barista, an apartment she rented across town, a small chunk of saved up money in the bank. She had to relearn how to do parts of her job, and call all manner of places to have all sorts of passwords reset, but when she lied about having experienced some head trauma most accepted this and were sympathetic. At least, she didn’t think she had suffered any head trauma. There were no wounds.

Eventually she learned to live with it. Sometimes it felt weird, like there was empty space in her brain that ought to be filled with memories, like there was a vacuum somewhere in her hippocampus, but she got on with things. Of course she spent time trying to figure things out, but she got no medical help, and very little information seemed to exist about her. Maybe she had only just moved here when whatever happened happened? There was no social media activity, no personal journals, no letters from friends or family. No photos. Nothing personal at all.

Over the years her attempts had gotten lazier and fewer. There did not seem to be any information out there about her, and her co-workers all said she had been fairly new. After a while dedicating her life to finding out who she was instead of simply becoming whoever she was now seemed less important. Because what if she found out she didn’t like who she was? If no one knew her, then what did it matter? So she had more or less stopped. Accepted that functionally her life begun a few years ago, and no one seemed to have missed her enough to find her.

There was also, River had learned in the last few weeks, something wrong with her neighbour. This was more than anything quite reassuring. He was a very nervous sort of man, and shorter than her, with dark hair styled in the fluffy undercut almost all trans men she knew seemed to favour. In most situations they had talked he would often look over his shoulder as if worried he was being watched. Perhaps he was one of those people convinced a team of government employees were surveilling him at all times. She knew a few people like that. But she hadn’t asked. The first time he came to The Green Place, her job, he spent a solid twenty minutes staring blankly at the window. Not through it, at it. But he didn’t seem to be on drugs or anything like that. Actually maybe he had gone off his drugs. That sometimes had that effect.

John seemed quite nice, apart from whatever was clearly haunting him. River didn’t really know all that many people apart from her co-workers and her girlfriend, so it was nice to get to know a neighbour. The thing was, when you told people that you had no memories older than four years, they tended to assume something was wrong with you, or else only wanted to question you on the specifics of it, and she found that quite tiring.

River sat on the bench outside The Green Place, enjoying the early afternoon sun as she took her break. She had made herself a cup of coffee, and wanted to feel the warmth of the sun on her skin for a little while. By the time her shift was over it would have set. For now, it was nice.

Cars drove past, sleek and electric ones in this part of town, and less noisy and smelly than they might otherwise have been. A few trees were planted along the pavement, bright with yellow orange leaves. She could hear the bright song of the birds who remained over winter when there was a long enough stretch of relative silence. A crow landed on the bench beside her.

“Hello,” she told it.

Never hurt to be polite to birds. She had read enough fairy tales and fantasy novels to be certain of that. Besides, corvids were clever little things.

“Here,” she said, breaking off a small piece of her sandwich and tossing it to the bird.

It looked up at her, blinked once, twice, and then picked it up in its beak. It was a hooded crow, charcoal grey mixed among the black feathers. After swallowing the piece of bread it hopped closer. Now she could see a small dully red tag around its left foot. It cawed softly at her.

“Greedy, huh? Well that’s fine. Here you go.”

She broke off another piece, this time including a little piece of chicken. Was it wrong feeding a bird to another bird? No, nonsense, no more than a human eating another mammal was wrong. It certainly did not seem to care.

“Oh, don’t encourage them or they’ll never leave,” Jeremy said, shooing the crow off and sitting down next to her.

He had an improbably tall mohawk and more facial piercings than she could count, and seemed to take delight in how poorly he fit in with their customer base.

“Aww, come on. They’re friendly.”

“Sure, until they start ripping open the trash bags searching for food, and then I’m the one who has to pick it up before I open up.”

“I guess. You heading home?”

“At last,” he said with a nod and yawn.

“It’s only one in the afternoon,” she pointed out.

“Says the person who didn’t have to have it open by seven so the corporate fucks can get their overpriced lattes.”

“Fair.”

They sat for a moment, her sipping her coffee, him looking at his mobile. Then two crows landed in front of their feet. One was the same one, with the reddish tag. The new crow was slightly smaller. Maybe a mate? A family member? Jeremy groaned. He kicked his foot lazily in their direction, but they simply moved a little. The larger crow hopped closer to her feet, and dropped something.

“For me?” she asked.

Bending down to pick it up she saw it was a bus ticket. Used, granted, but she appreciated the gesture. That was the sort of thing you could do with corvids, wasn’t it? Build a friendship?

“See? They litter.”

“You’re very judgey. Speciecist. This young gentlebird is just giving me a gift in return. Here.”

She broke off two more pieces of the dwindling sandwich and tossed to the two birds. The larger one let the smaller have both. Then, it cawed at her, and they flew off. Jeremy shook his head.

“Pests,” he muttered.

“Dude, you keep pet rats. Glass houses.”

“Pet rats are clean.”

He had extolled their virtues before, and showed her photos, and she did not disagree. They were pretty cute little guys.

River blinked. A noise had woken her up. It was disorienting, waking up. In her dreams she always flew. Looking down on the landscape beneath her, feeling the wind against her wings. Waking up always felt a bit like a trap.

She rubbed her eyes, and the book she had been reading when she dozed off slid from her lap and thumped against the floor. There noise came again. A knocking. She looked around, then saw a shape outside her window, dark against the warm glow from the street lights. Frowning she got up, taking slow steps towards it. A bird.

“What?”

She didn’t expect a reply, but the bird pecked at the glass again. A crow? Hesitantly she stood, opening the window. She expected the crow to fly away startled, but it stayed calm. It hopped onto her windowsill, and dropped something on her floor. It cawed softly, and then flew off into the darkness.

“What,” she repeated to herself, “the fuck.”

Bending down to examine it she saw it was one of those tiny modern Polaroid photos. Thick and plasticky, it showed a slightly blurred interior, and what looked liked a blurred golden shape. You really couldn’t get clear shots with those things, huh? She left the photo on the table and went to make herself a cup of tea and reflect on whether she shouldn’t encourage the birds after all.

#my writing #my art #illustration #ink #sketchbook #procreate #artists on tumblr #writers on tumblr

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wordsandrobots · 1 year

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OK, I have two overall things to say about Gundam SEED: Destiny (I’ve been sick, binging this nominally staved off extreme boredom; spoilers to follow).

Number 1: Arthur Trine is doing his best, damnit, and I hope he got a cup of tea and a sit down once everything was over.

Number 2: what an incredibly frustrating show.

In many ways it is leaps and bounds ahead of its predecessor, freed from literally repeating the same set-pieces of the original Gundam to tell a story that, honestly, has something approaching a meaningful point. Chairman Durandal is a compelling antagonist and the way he and Teen!Le Cookset gradually break the series’ pseudo-protagonist to their perspective is narratively interesting. The underlying message in what he does -- about how those in power pick out enemies that will best serve their ends and present themselves as the reasonable ones -- is definitely worth exploring. And the show even manages to address the Gundam-overload issues from SEED, by more clearly delineating the point of each machine and staggering them a bit more competently.

However. It inherits the problem of its length exceeding its content, leading to more stock-footage abuse and, far less forgivably, *three* clips shows, only one of which (the last, focused on Meer) has any actual merit. It also continues SEED’s determination to screw over every single female character who isn’t Lacus. For the record, I *like* Lacus: she’s a nice execution of someone having a ‘typical’ presentation wrapped around a core of stainless steel conviction, which is something I always enjoy in fiction. However, Cagalli in particular is an utter waste of potential, not being allowed to mature, gain focus, or make a single bloody decision without Kira or Athrun’s input, to the point where it’s actively aggravating to watch.

This is where we hit the limits of the genre and demographic, of course, and once again makes me appreciate literally every female character in IBO because Gundam generally is so very *not good* at this. (Obviously G-Witch is ahead again on the score, thankfully, but IBO is probably the best-case scenario within the ‘fiction aimed at boys’ problems that plague its predecessors.)

Shinn is similarly annoying. It’s not a bad thing he’s abrasive and the endpoint was always going to be him winding up a broken, weeping wreck because he’s too stupid to recognise anything beyond his own feelings. But his trauma flashbacks hit parodic very early and he’s far too irritating to be worth sitting through his screen-time. Like Kira, only the problem is the presence of personality rather than its total fucking absence.

My biggest complaint, however, is reserved for the variety of ways SEED:Destiny buggers up its good ideas. I’d have liked it a lot more if ‘Logos’ hadn’t actually been a thing. ‘Shadowy conspiracy doing [bad thing] from the shadows in the name of profit’ is the kind of message that gets slung around a lot in real life with no justification whatsoever and it really doesn’t help counter the people who do that if you hinge your plot on ‘no the Illuminati actually do have a giant laser on the moon.’ The cleverer and more cutting twist would have been to reveal there was no actual group called Logos and while the people Durandal named might have had interests in common, he was really just lumping them together for his own convenience.

You know. As scapegoats. Like the way this goes in reality, with the matters that this show is sticking its oar in and trying to Say Something about.

But no, because once more, this is a story interested in emotional reactions and personal epiphanies over any sort of systemic question because, well . . . that’s typical, isn’t it? Frustrating but not unexpected. Eureka Seven does nearly everything SEED/SEED:Destiny attempts better and that is hardly the first case of that happening with a Gundam show. Possibly this is just galling me more than usual because there are so many [swerves around the obvious pun] traces of a more interesting story here.

Oh well. Mu steadily getting his memories back was fun and I shall be taking the final epilogue to mean he, Murrue and Andrew settled down to a life of coffee-fueled polyamory. Yzak yeeting himself on to the right side of the final battle through sheer indignation was actually kind of funny. And I will give it credit, this did feel like one of the more meaningful ‘final battles to destroy a giant super-weapon’ out of the many, many times Gundam has done that (including in SEED, for gods’ sake). If nothing else, I appreciate the chutzpah of having Durandal rock up in an off-brand Death Star, right down to a recoloured Emperor’s chair.

Whatdyouknow. I actually did have something to say about this one. I think that just leaves Victory for main series I haven’t watched (I finished G Fighter; it was joyfully ridiculous). That probably won’t be changing any time soon. Ranking wise . . . SEED:Destiny probably sits around equal with 00 for me.

#gundam seed #gundam seed destiny #more rambling #kind of a review?#mostly more snark #I didn't even rant about the combining suit did I?#it's daft #not so much the replacement parts aspect #but the combination dance #every time it heads out #JUST SHOOT IT WHILE IT'S COMING TOGETHER #even the one (1) attempt to justify its utility was stupid #since that cave was clearly big enough for a whole mobile suit despite the dialogue #anyway #look at me getting annoyed with fiction aimed a teenagers #again

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tyrannuspitch · 8 months

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another thing - i think thor is actively self-destructive in endgame.

he's drinking heavily and trying to escape his feelings by any available means. he's very openly neglecting himself, which, compared to his previous self-presentation, feels like it has an edge of self-sabotage/self-loathing. he claims to be fine and shuts down any offers of help.

and. he tells bruce/hulk that he's worthless (or that his help is, but given how much of his sense of self is grounded in giving, i think they mean the same to him.) and in almost the same breath, he says he doesn't want to be saved.

and even if he doesn't openly say it, i think he has survivor's guilt - and on at least some level, in the literal sense of thinking he should have died in their place.

"why would i be scared of [thanos]? i'm the one who killed [him], remember?" - there are a few things going on here, but i think one of them is - what right do *i* have to be traumatised? i walked away unscathed. and i managed to kill him in the end, which means i could always have done it, which means i could have stopped this.

of course, thor wouldn't have had to die to defeat thanos. it was a miscalculation, not a lack of "courage". but i think he blames his miscalculation on selfish ego / emotional self-indulgence, and i think self-sacrifice is still the image of selflessness in his mind.

and where this all brings us is to thor trying to insist on wielding the gauntlet himself.

he gives them several different reasons for this:

we need swift, decisive action. (so it might as well be me.)

i'm the strongest. (so i can take it.) - justified with some asgardian posturing: i wield mjolnir, i have alien lightning powers that none of you understand...

it's my duty. (i know it will be hard, but it would be wrong of me to let anyone else do it.)

i want to do something good. (please, you've seen the state i'm in, and this will help with my grief.)

i don't think any of these are precisely dishonest. but i do think he's trying very hard to persuade them and to gloss over the fact that at this point, he does not care if it kills him. if it works and he lives, great - but he would gladly give his life too.

it would be an escape - no more grief, no trauma, no need to rebuild his life or discover a sense of self. it would be morally cleansing and give him direction/meaning/purpose again. and it would reunite him with everyone he lost before the snap - which is pretty much everyone who really mattered to him.

but the moment passes. i think thor recognises that hulk/bruce genuinely is more capable of doing it, and thor isn't going to risk wasting this opportunity and ruining everything, again, just for the sake of his own feelings. but still. i think, for a moment there, we saw thor on the brink :(

#space viking tag #meta #s: a4 #ch: thor #th: suicide + sacrifice #th: grief #th: redemption #highlights

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spidersmiceandeverythingnice · 2 years

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I really like how you explained in detail what happens during Calanmai, with descriptions from the book and all, because I didn’t quite remember how it was and almost fell for one SJM Stan saying that “well it’s actually like Tamlim drunk too much bear at a party and proceeds to assault Feyre” and I always felt like there was something deeply wrong with how they choose to interpret it? Like girl I know that Sarah’s not best at worldbuilding or consistency or development or depth or… well, you get it, but she hasn’t thus far retconned how that ritual works? If you can recognise that Lucien was taken advantage of by having to go in Tamlim’s place, use the same logic and just apply it to the other character, you don’t need to like him to do that, just make an effort to not be an hypocrite.

Sorry for the rant, but sometimes I cant help but be deeply disturbed by some really incoherent takes that are posted here, and I need a place to just express my frustrations 🫠

Oh I definitely feel you - unfortunately this kind of disconnect is kind of par for the course with SJM works because of her way of building narratives. Rhys and Lucien are victims of assault because them being male assault victims absolved them - in Feyre's eyes - of wrongdoing committed against her. I think @worldsnotsaid has a great post about this (sorry for the tag but they have a great link tree on the blog about some of these issues) - where abuse in ACOTAR isn't bad because abuse is bad, abuse is bad because Feyre is good. So characters that hurt Feyre need to be redeemed some way because she is good and people who dont or cant protect her are bad - even though Lucien risked his life multiple times and was actively punished for trying to help and protect Feyre when she was held prisoner by Amarantha, he is "tainted" with his loyalty to Tamlin, who is positioned as the narrative's bad actor. At the beginning of ACOWAR, Lucien tells Feyre he's sorry that he prioritized the guy he's been close personal friends with for hundreds of years and who is also his boss over Feyre, whom he has known for a year and whom he believed to be kidnapped by someone who had actively assaulted her, someone with the ability to brainwash her. Then it is revealed that Lucien was raped (because the biracial disabled faerie who watched his fiance get fridged while his family held him down doesnt have enough trauma) and THEN Feyre decides that he was good all along and is worthy of help. This is a pattern: the reveal that Rhys never wanted to be Amarantha's right hand man and that he was forced to have sex with her as part of "the mask" immediately absolved Rhysand of any bad actions he committed against Feyre. Now they "share" trauma and can reminisce about how a sanctuary for SA survivors is a healing place for both of them... even though Rhysand is the cause of Feyre's sexual trauma.

The problem with this narrative is that SJM can't acknowledge that Calanmai involves rape by its very nature because then she'd have to acknowledge that Tamlin is a victim, and he can't be a victim, because he is not good. That's why Ianthe specifically had to get involved when Lucien enacts Calanmai - because Ianthe is Bad and if it were any random female then we might get close to acknowledging that hey, Calanmai is pretty fucked up, isn't it? Maybe we shouldn't frame Tamlin as being sexually aggressive since the only time he's ever shown acting in a sexually aggressive way is when he gets roofied because that is a super necessary part of this yearly ritual for some fucking reason.

It's incredibly fucked up. I hate hate Hate HATE the idea of rape as redemption or rape as a means of empowerment and I don't understand why authors fucking do this. And again - I'm of the opinion that Tamlin doesn't need redemption in this narrative. He needs to be on meds for PTSD and chronic depression but he's not evil. Only... he has to be because if we acknowledge Tamlin as a sympathetic character then it breaks the entire world of ACOTAR because it means that people who aren't nice to Feyre can also have trauma and be victims.

#anti sjm #WHEW long post #anti acotar #tamlin

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dandelion-wings · 10 months

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Whyyyyy won't you write the test subject au!?

I am literally so hooked already, I need more than just scraps of information about it.

Don't get me wrong, I do love using my own imagination and can very much just expand upon this au in my own mind, but there's just something more relaxing about getting to read about it.

I by no means aim to pressure you into writing it! I accept that if you really can't be asked, but please just answer me these, dearest Tumblr user dandelion-wings.com:

- please describe what they did to him at the Akademiya. I sound like a sadist when I say this (I promise I'm not) but I love reading about the torture characters go through because it helps me understand their pain and trauma better.

- does Kaeya meet Diluc again? In the first part you did say Kaeya ran away to Sumeru age 11, so I assume that follows canon event, which means he had been in the Ragnvindr household for some time before capture. So does he recognise Diluc when he sees him again? I've imagined this whole emotional ass scene where they see eachother again for the first time in six-ish years and it made me tear up.

- does Crepus live in this au? (listen. I am a sucker for ragbros and their family, okay!) I assume the Ragnvindr household reacted in some way when Kaeya went missing, seeing as he was a somewhat major part of their lives. Maybe Diluc's birthday plans were different and he never died to the delusion and Ursa the Drake. Perhaps he is still alive and Kaeya recognises him and then Crepus promises to bring hell upon whoever left his son in that state.

- I assume Kaeya makes a good recovery. Does he still join the Knights? I'm not sure they'd let him in with only one arm with missing fingers, but then again it is the nation of freedom so who knows. What does he end up doing?

Many thanks, I love the au,

Friend of the stars <3

Mostly because I have so many WIPs and AUs already (including an entirely different one where someone removes Kaeya's fingers), and I work too jobs, I cannot write all of them! "I'm not going to write this" is a mantra against things I do not have the time to write even though I want to. XD;; It may well go into the warm-ups rotation, tbh. The other reason is that it's a lot darker and iddier than I usually post on main and I always get very anxious about idfic/kinkfic stuff (if I hadn't been so compelled to try and exorcise it with the Compressed Version that totally did not make me stop thinking about the Longer Version I probably would not have posted about it at all). Like, I spent a very serious five minutes looking at this ask thinking, "man, this is going on main, should I sanitize it any" before deciding that the of-questionable-taste parts are essential to my enjoyment and, so, well. I am not going to.

Which means that the rest of this is under a cut and trigger warnings for that first answer include, along with the requisite medical experimentation, dismemberment/mutilation, suicidal thoughts/actions, and sexual abuse/trauma.

The highlights of the research team's activities:

To start with before anything else because this is ongoing and general: confinement, obviously, constant restraint (growing increasingly severe over time, c.f. the shock-collar, which is movement-sensitive and just kept getting turned up over the years), and a caloric intake just barely sufficient for continued functioning, because it is harder for a starving person to fight back. Also, at least once the curse was induced, they did not at any point use anesthesia/pain relief because "pain response is an important scientific datapoint."

I haven't decided how they eventually did manage to induce the curse, but initial attempts were straight-up torture, in the hopes that sufficient negative emotion and/or fear for his life would trigger it. You can insert whatever you like here, but I personally am a perennial fan of waterboarding and near-drowning.

When it did finally trigger, it was first visible in his right eye, which promptly got removed for analysis. Fortunately for him, Anatoli wanted to see if it would spread to the left (it has, thus far, not).

It then started manifesting in his right hand, spreading up his arm (if this sounds a lot like the specifics of Cursed Transformation: I went with very similar mechanisms, why build from the ground up when I've already done some thinking about it), and as soon as it was established above his right wrist, he lost the last two fingers on both hands for a side-by-side comparison. It continued to spread, both up the arm and, once it reached the shoulder, appearing patchily elsewhere on his body. There were more tissue samples taken consistently over the next four years; most of them were smaller than whole fingers, but some were fairly significant chunks (he is probably also short a toe or two but Anatoli had his extremity data at that point, he wanted a variety of sites).

Despite the starvation diet, he did hit puberty in here. At which point both the sexual abuse and additional mutilation show up, because Anatoli's chief research assistant and second-in-command decided to "conduct tests of his sexual response as the curse progressed," which was 100% a "if you write it down you can call it science" excuse for rape. Which, because he was being very consistently dehumanized here (it is significantly easier for most people to carve into a terrified child if you convince yourself they're a monster, not a person), she pulled off in part by treating him more like a person than anyone else in the lab, which did not help him trust Lisa later on.

Concurrently he was both hitting a growth spurt and developing actual powers to go with the curse, and Anatoli was already considering castration with the hope that it would, as in animals, make him more docile. Discovering her 'research' made him decide, not that maybe he should fire his chief research assistant, but instead that he didn't really want to risk being accused of breeding monsters, and. so.

(One of my guilty pleasures in whump-rescue fic is the Rescuee, with no idea what their rescuer is getting out of this, offering them sexual favors as 'repayment,' and this is my idfic so that 100% happens here. And then Lisa's rebuff fucks Kaeya up in its own way because he associated the chief assistant leaving off, some time afterwards as he got too old for her tastes, and immediately dropping all pretense of seeing him as a person, with further advancement of his curse moving him from the 'human, thus desirable' to 'inhuman, thus no longer desirable' category. So at least initially it read to him as, Lisa talks a good game, but clearly she doesn't think he's human enough to touch like that anymore either.)

Incidentally 'I am no longer human enough to even be worth being touched (in ways I didn't like but that I've nonetheless been taught to associate with humanity)' was the main trigger for the first of the three suicide attempts in Anatoli's custody. Others followed, because every time the curse intensified there were more tissue samples, and more restraints on him, and horrible tests of his powers and general physical capabilities, and so on.

At some point they made him kill animals and, later, hilichurls (and Kaeya knows exactly what hilichurls are) to see what he was capable of. A lot of the power-testing was Bad in general because he didn't want to help, and so the efforts made to overcome his sullenness on the subject were very much of the 'push him until he loses control' variety. He still has a lot of Issues around handling animals. :)

Taking most of his right arm off was actually not for Anatoli's research. Anatoli and his team were all Spantamad; he was acquainted with an Amurta researcher who wanted a sample. That Kaeya was starting to grow claws on the remaining fingers of that arm, and that the Cryo veining was most vivid there and the Abyssal powers were clearly linked directly to it, and that those powers were growing stronger and threatened to eventually overwhelm the wards they were capable of, were... significant contributing factors. Half the reason Anatoli allowed Lisa onto the team, despite her associations with her very anti-human-experimentation mentor, was because she had a Vision and was significantly better at magical wards than anyone else interested. And it looked like they were going to need that sooner or later.

To answer the second and third questions together, I honestly have not thought tremendously far past the return-to-Mondstadt part of the plot, but we have determined that he does not meet Diluc at that time, because things in Mondstadt progress as in canon, including Crepus' death. And the timing is such that, after Kaeya has chosen Mondstadt (Lisa wanted Mondstadt, but gave him options because it seemed clear that he needed to feel like he'd made a choice) in large part because he has fond memories and a desperate hope that Crepus might have some sympathy, Lisa and Kaeya arrive in Stone Gate in time to hear that that Dawn Winery is closed because it's in mourning for Crepus, and its young master has recently passed through going the other way. :>

Though the household did react to Kaeya going missing those six years ago! Crepus spent months upon months in Sumeru hiring everyone he could to scour the place, and Kaeya knows that because Anatoli went out of his way to wipe out his test subject's trail in terror that Crepus might have the leverage to get the Akademiya to make him give him up. Which is why he'd hoped Crepus might, at the very minimum, give them shelter and/or give Lisa some money, despite the whole 'Abyssal taint' thing. He was banking very, very hard on 'even if I can't repay Lisa for getting me out myself, Crepus can afford to.' Finding out that he'd just died, that Kaeya had just missed seeing him alive, was devastating and triggered suicide attempt #5.

TBH I am not sure he makes a 'good' recovery per se! It depends on your definition, but like, while he does spend a good few years getting help unpicking his trauma, he still has plenty by the time of game start. I don't think he joins the Knights directly, as a knight; I don't know exactly how things wrap up (theabysscomeshome and I have talked through to the Dramatic Final Confrontation of what would be the second fic if I was writing it, but not the aftermath), but while Lisa becomes Ordo Librarian once the risk of extradition to Sumeru is cleared up, if Kaeya joins at all it's in some kind of auxiliary role.

Lisa does get him a catalyst early on, and he learns eventually how to channel his Cryo through it so he can disguise the source, and thus is fighting-capable, but in all honesty this may be another AU where he joins Benny's Adventure Team, because he fucking loves Bennett. Whenever he says something that he thought was normal and everyone else looks horrified by, Bennett blithely responds with some almost-as-horrifying anecdote of a bad-luck incident. Bennett lets him help with his chores and equipment maintenance, and whenever Kaeya fumbles things because he has all of three fingers, Bennett blames his own bad luck and apologizes for it. Bennett, all of twelve years old at the time, full-on attempted to fight the celebrated Captain Jean Gunnhildr for the sake of Kaeya's freedom. Kaeya mostly gives up on killing himself as a solution to every problem because he realizes it's entirely possible that Bennett will blame himself, and that would be intolerable.

(Bennett's reaction to Diluc, when he returns, is way more similar to Kaeya's initial reaction to Razor than Kaeya thought he was actually capable of.)

So, yeah! I don't know entirely where it goes, but I don't think he's a standard Knight in this AU at any point. (Among other things, he flat-out refuses to fight or kill hilichurls.) He may end up being on-call for them in some capacity, he may become an adventurer with Bennett and just drop any useful info he picks up into Lisa's ear to share with Jean, he may end up a library assistant, I'm not sure. And he does, regardless, do the same 'using his linguistic knowledge/Abyss associations to gather information on the Abyss Order's movements' thing for them. But even with the catalyst he honestly doesn't meet physical-capability standards, and he doesn't want to be directly within a command structure, so I don't think the Knights are right for him.

#asked and answered #test subject au #abuse tw #suicide tw #csa tw #torture tw #i think that... broadly covers the bases?

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