#related (and this will take s4 to be sure of but i have Hope) that your ability to succeed in a garbage capitalist structure defines worth

[knowlesian]

not to project like a motherfucker on natalie berzatto but ohhhh boy the impact of a narrative that says “hey, is your desire to make sure everybody around you is okay also about you? and could that perhaps be partially a maladaptive trauma response you should look into and maybe mitigate? because if it’s a genuine question that’s fine, but if the only answer you will respond well to hearing is yes that’s a You Issue Too, Babe”

[ven0moir]

What to expect from Will's arc at the start of S5. ( & how Bychance is a personification of his compound trauma ) v01

bychance part i - introduction bychance part ii - narrative structure

I've talked about before how S4 Willelmike essentially follows The Swan Princess' narrative logic. And what happened to Odette when Rothbart tricked Derek into confessing to "Odile", an Odette in disguise he had created via an enchantment? ( they don't call her Odile in this movie, but that's what she's called in the og Swan Lake play )

( HELP I'm sorry this is so dramatic but yeah )

She almost died until Derek was able to rectify his mistake. Derek specifically saying "I make a vow to break all vows" reminded me immediately of S2. Something something about that script talking about Will looking at Mike throughout.

Something something Vecna has been watching every vow mike breaks and every smile will fakes.

HELP ME WHAT IF MIKE GETS VECNA'D and we think we're getting allll this super complex "realization" sequence but instead Vecna's just legit like

"Wdym? I love El."

HAHRDSOKFOEHW IM CRYINGGGGGGG a funny thought but ( hopefully not ) I hate the idea of Mike's love confession to El being meant for Will. Please don't Mileven 2.0 my Byler, Duffers.

Anyway, I trust them, so I know that won't happen ( squints at them )

Something about Will being forgotten/fading into nothing. Something about Hopper having lost the "spirit to live" .... The Nothing being this force that takes away hopes and dreams ... it's giving birthdaygate. It's giving Will feeling like he's a mistake. Some of this could also apply to Mike ( and I'll ... talk about Mike eventually bc im mustering up the courage. But this is about Will rn )

Now there's only so much I can handle thinking about Will's arc because it's just way too freaking angsty for the payoff to just be "Mike realizes he loves Will and then tells Will he loves him in this super dramatic sequence" as in, again, Mileven 2.0? This already happened in S4, not to mention Will cannot look like a second option. The Duffers aren't perfect, sure, but they're more creative than that. ( I say about the derivative af show lmfao but even that is intention ) So they'll likely do something different.

My first guess is that Will is probably not going to be drawing at the start of S5, just like Mike's love for DMing was suppressed under the weight of his trauma at the end of S1.

In Will's case, the reason is even more specific--it is the medium through which he expressed his love to Mike in S4. And if he's suppressing his love for Mike, then if he does any art at all, his heart won't really be in it/he'd be doing it on autopilot/for Vecna related purposes.

Art is also the way he basically gives himself therapy, so if that's not a thing available to him at the moment, then yeah. My guess is he'll be in a similar position as S1 Joyce after they found Will's dead body and Lonnie showed up.

Joyce ( Will ) had hope that Will ( love ) was alive ( aka there was hope Mike loved him and he wasn't delusional for believing that ).

But the "proof", Will's dead body ( Mike's love confession ) makes it clear.

And when I say 'love' I don't just mean Mike, I mean in general. His hope of finding love at all died in that surfer boy's pizza because the chances ( lmao ) of meeting someone else like him, and bonding with that person, are very low. Hence his belief that he wasn't going to fall in love at the start of S3.

But if, like Joyce, Will still had any hope left, then the lie complicates things. Because chances are, that ...

Mike is going to be mad when he finds out about the lie. And even though Will was right, and El shouldn't have lied, after he'd had time to self-reflect, what was his conclusion?

Just like when Lucas tried to apologize to him in S3.

By the time Will's S5 arc begins, he'd have time to reflect on his painting lie, which he really didn't think through, he just acted on impulse to help Mike when Mike needed him, he's likely thinking;

"Whatever happens, whatever he does next, I'll deserve it."

And what's the worst case scenario in this situation? Mike being mad, and banishing him from the party. Telling Mike the truth would probably only make Mike hate him/be disgusted by him so imho I think Will would literally rather die than tell Mike he loves him.

And how things have gone for him so far, he's expecting the worst. He will be operating on the belief that it's only a matter of time before he experiences the worst trauma ever: officially losing his party, the people who saved him.

So S5 Will's emotional landscape is going to be the equivalent of his S1 self--meaning, Will is going to be trying to survive emotionally now like he tried to survive physically in S1. He'll be doing whatever he could and lived off of whatever water-like substance he could find ( unless the show provides a more supernatural reason for his survival ). So when Chance approaches him I kind of picture it being the emotional equivalent of like ...

And them paralleling Jonnie would kind of bring it home to me that Chance is a personification of Will's compound trauma. Lonnie, to Joyce is something not good/toxic ( Chance is a bully ) but god, she is trying to survive emotionally and needs all the help she can get, AND he is familiar ( Chance reminds Will of Mike, likely. At least at first ). He thinks he's making a choice for himself, but Chance is just using him. It's just an illusion--a lie.

However, the thing with Chance isn't all just another way for Vecna ( metaphorically or directly ) to wear down/exhaust Will--it's also a trial, a test to prepare Will for his final showdown with Vecna and finally Break The Cycle. Being with someone before Mike also gives Will perspective--even if he couldn't be with Mike, Chance is evidence that there *are* other guys like him out there, and he could eventually meet someone given enough time to heal.

This is why I think this storyline IS important for his growth. It offers the opportunity for self-exploration and reconnecting with himself. That way, Byler will feel more deserved. More of a choice rather than Will being Mike's last-minute second option.

I admit this one I'm still mewling over, so if there are any changes I'll post updated versions!

[princessmaeee]

I'm Not going Anywhere

Request : Could you do a five hargreeves x reader story where the reader is a little reluctant to love again cause she has had one awful relationship after another

A/N : I did my best for this request, I hope you will like it ! I felt like this was my own life I put into it and what I would like to ear from my next partner. My last relations was... well exactly like reader. It made it easier to writhe about feelings and past experiences. I just changes some numbers in terme of time.

Also in french when we use Dating, it's not official Yet. Just to mention it since I think in english it's more official ? Idk

TW : None. ( Well Age Up Five, it happened during S4 But it's not really a TW )

You heard of the Hargreeves Family when you were younger. They were part of the Umbrella Academy, a home where all the kids had special powers, but you never saw any of them in action. You just saw them on TV or in comic books. You never really were a Fan of them or anything, you just knew they existed and they were special. The thought of having a super power crossed your mind sometimes, telling yourself you wanted to be like them too, but it was only childhood fantasies.

Now, things are different since you are an adult, but also since You started dating Five, a member of the umbrella academy. Never in your life this idea came to your mind, you even forget about them at some point, but there you are, in the middle of a child party where Five invited you. It was the birthday of her niece and all the others will apparently be there. 

At first you weren't sure to go. The idea of meeting all his family was something who freak you out. You were still in a dating stage after all and meeting his family mean He talked about you. As much as you would like to enjoy this feeling, it just made you nervous. 

You never really had chances in love in the last few years. You tried dating apps and as expected it was a flop. You met nice people on it, but no one who was worth to be your partner. Also, you didn’t use the dating app for good reason. At first it was to forget about your ex. You stayed together 6 months before he realised he liked you more as a friend than as a partner. It was a hard break up cause you felt a deep connection with him. You felt safe, you didn’t feel like you were bothering him, even in complete silence. It took you three years to get over him, since you agreed to stay friends. You accepted because you hoped he will come back to you, but it never happened. Those years break you somehow. But you managed to get over it and when you felt good with yourself, behind a single, you met a guy, out of nowhere. He was at a party your friend organised. He was good looking, funny, nice to you, you had a great time talking about many different things, you had many things in commun. 

You made the first move, asking him out for a date and he gladly accepted. You dated for two months, it wasn’t that much, but when he said it would not work, that was too much for you. You were so sick of this, everytime you allow yourself to be happy, to accept that maybe this person could be the one, it looks like you jinx yourself. You get to the point where maybe you don't deserve to be loved ?

And now, here you are, dating Five Hargreeves. This time, you haven’t asked him out. He was the one who did it first, if you can consider he asked you. Not long after the last guy you dated dumped you, your friend forced you to go out in a nightclub to help you change your mind. That’s where you met five. 

Having no fun, you just left your drunk friend on the dancefloor with another group of friends she bumped into when you entered the place. Taking a seat at the bar you asked the barman for another drink. That’s where he stood, in the seat next to you, but you didn’t noticed until a guy with skinny jeans, short weavy hair and some tattoo in the hands come talk to him. 

«-Come on, five, come dance with us ! -Scram Klaus, i’m just here to be sure you will go home safe tonight.  -Ah, you’re no fun.»

The named Klaus looked at you and smiled before approaching you.

«-And what about you ? Care to join me for a dance ? -Hm, no thanks… I'm just waiting for my friends. -Argh.. another no fun one.»

He looked at the named Five 

«-A good match for you »

He left and you gave a look at five who were already looking at you. That’s how you start to talk. After that talk, he asked for your number and you just gave it to him. You didn’t expect anything anyway, but he texted you in the next few days, asking you out for dinner.

That’s how, six months later you found yourself here, surrounded by kids, noise and a drink Five got you. 

«-Thanks for being here. I honestly don’t know what I could have done without you.»

Even though he and his family go through many things,they didn’t get along that well and you guessed it made Five nervous. You smiled and looked at his hand, not sure if you could take it. You know you can, but your brain alway screams you shouldn’t. 

You don’t have too much time to think about it, Five has already wrapped his fingers around yours and walked over a bunch of people. They all looked at you when they noticed Five, surprised to see him with someone.

«-Hey, everyone, this is… -The no fun one from the bar ! Klaus said quickly before Five even Finished his sentence »

Number 4 look at the other with a proud smile on his face

«-I told him that she will be a good match for him. Guess I was right. -Okey Klaus Shut up now, said Diego. Go On five. -Yeah, so as I tried to say, This is Y/N we … date. »

Five seem hesitant on that part. You're not official yet and you never discussed it so you shouldn’t be surprised by what he just said, but you couldn't help it. Somehow it hurt to hear that. But at the same time, it would have been more problematic if he had told you were Boyfriend and Girlfriend.

«-Just dating ? You are not even Official ? Asked Klaus, it’s been what»

He started to count but Five rolled his eyes.

«-I'm surprised you even remember that specific moment. »

It was a strange first family meeting, but you still had fun. All of his brothers and sister were nice to you and seemed happy Five finally could stand someone other than himself.

After the party, Five drive you home. You stayed silent in the car, unsure of how you felt. You had a nice moment and this guy seems perfect. Since you dated, he hasn't even kissed you yet, only holding your hand or cuddling you when you watch a movie. He sometimes gives you gifts or brings you out somewhere, alway paying despite all your attempts to pay for both of you. You just feel comfortable with him and somehow you fear to lose all of this and be left with some emptiness. You don’t want to build another wall all over again. 

When the car stop in front of your apartment, you felt Five finger slide on your cheeks to wip a tear. You didn’t realize you started crying. You blushed,embarrassed.

«-Oh my, I’m sorry I was in my head, you said as you quickly whip your tears away.»

Five turned off the car and looked at you as you tried to avoid any eye contact.

«-Is something happening tonight ? Or Have I done something to upset you ? He asked, gently. -No, not at all, you did anything wrong, it's just… me, I guess »

Five stayed Silent, waiting for you to continue, but nothing came out of your mouth. You didn’t want to bother him with your past experience, but you knew communication is something important in a relationship, so if at least he could be aware of your feelings, maybe you will feel better ?

Taking a deep breath, you start to nervously play with your fingers.

«-I’m just nervous. We get along so well, you are smart, nice, good looking, take good care of me, you are patient and tonight, i was happy to see your family. Bringing me there, even if it was because you didn’t want to go alone, meant a lot to me. But…»

You bit your bottom lips, still nervous. Tears start to flow from your eyes.

«-I don’t know. My last experience was terrible and left me with a broken heart. I took so much time to rebuild everything. After my last failure I promised myself to not fall in love easily, but you show up out of nowhere and I'm just afraid everything will fall apart. I can’t trust anything, this little voice in my head didn’t stop screaming that you will leave and say it will not work between us and I don’t want that.»

You couldn’t stop the tears. You were now a crying mess, barely able to breathe correctly. Five gently took your hand and turned your head to make you look at him as his thumb whipped the tears again.

«-I love what we have. I love your personality and passing time with you. So I don’t plan to leave you, this idea never crossed my mind. But I understand how you feel, cause somehow I feel the same. -You do ? … how ? What happened ? »

Five looked at your hand and gently caressed the top of it.

«-Well, after I left home at 13 I ended in 2019, where the first apocalypse happened. I saw my family, my home and everything around me had disappeared. I was completely alone. I passed the next years like this until the handler found me. But I had Dolores…she was sort of my girlfriend. But she wasn’t real. She was a Mannequin who survived the apocalypse…»

You listened to him, kinda surprised, but you didn’t judge him. He seemed embarrassed enough by the ton of his voice.

«-All that to say, I know I can be socially awkward or Old fashioned. I stayed a long time in the 80’s and how men showed love there was way more different that today. So I have to admit I'm confused about how I should react with you. I don’t want you to think I'm too much or not enough… -You are perfect ! »

You blushed when you realised what you said and quickly look away.

«-I’m sorry, I mean… I like how you are…»

A small smile appeared in the corner of five’s lips and he turned your head to you to face him.

«-So do you.»

He leans down and presses his lips against yours. You could hear your heart beating faster. You waited for that kiss for a moment already, but you were too afraid to ask him. Closing your eyes, you answer that kiss before five full away.

«-I’m not in a rush to hear you say that You love me, we can take all the time you need until you are ready. Until then, I'm not going anywhere.»

[utilitycaster]

I do highly recommend the TLOVM episodes 7-12 roundtable because while I think it's valid to dislike some of the choices this season, and I definitely don't think "IT'S AN ADAPTATION DO YOU HATE CHANGE" is a useful argument, the discussion was helpful. In particular:

As many have said, the Bard's Lament wasn't done because they didn't know if this would be the series finale, and they do hope to make room for something comparable in S4.

Small moments or specific lines can be really hard to incorporate or adapt. Glintshore isn't really that compelling a battle outside the context of D&D; Keyfish is COMPLETELY nonsensical on several levels (the whole context for that doesn't really make sense if you can give Pike more focus elsewhere); this didn't get brought up specifically but my personal hot take is "call me child one more time" is a little too of its time (peak Hamilton Fandom era) to be worth bringing in verbatim.

Matt pretty much explicitly said that a lot of the deaths for Vox Machina follow timelines dictated by the spells involved and not what makes for the best story, and I do have to agree, and again, personal trepidation about some potential C3 choices aside, the CR cast has always moved in the direction of making their games more lethal, not less.

Anyway my thoughts on how I'd adapt S4:

Come back from the time away; have Tary have shown up and give Scanlan an outburst about how quickly he was replaced instead

Do Keyleth's water trial; make it less lethal but still highly stressful

Reveal Vecna in some manner; I think Pike having some kind of everlight-related revelation would be good, but I also do think the oracle arrow scene would be a good one

Get back Scanlan and then honestly hew pretty closely to episodes 101 onward except naturally shortening some of the dungeon crawls and only keep Vax's death during the Vecna fight. I'm not entirely sure if Sprigg fits in with a streamlined plot but my gut says they'll try to make it work. however i do think they should probably skip Arkhan.

[misterbenzadrine]

ACTUAL binary bfs x school spirits au

okay while the last one was purely self-indulgent, this is actually school spirits-related lololol

so first,

demetri as simon elroy

both are intp (like me teehee) so they're both naturally inquisitive. buuuuuut they're also both extremely loyal and dedicated to the people they care about, specifically maddie/eli. demetri, like simon, would totally accept that his best friend is totally just a ghost now and, yeah why not, only he can see and hear and talk to him because, sure i guess, they love each other so much that it pierced the veil between the living and the dead. just an average tuesday, where's the shovel?

simon is also pretty solid in his individuality, much like demetri. the others call him crazy and encourage him to search for maddie irl bc "she's just missing, she's not dead". but simon ofc is like "well i saw her ghost with my own two eyes so, yup, seems pretty dead to me". he doesn't care that everyone else would never believe him, he's dedicated to solving maddie's murder on his own if he has to (and he mostly does). dem is way similar. when the rest of the kids join cobra kai and take it at face value, he sticks to his mindset of "this is stupid and toxic". yeah he goes back a couple times but let me remind you HE IS BITCHING AND COMPLAINING THE ENTIRE TIME. like that boy did slightly give into peer pressure, technically, but he is still extremely set in his own beliefs and opinions, no one is changing that until he sees it with his own two eyes.

and also they're both so cute and so smart like yuh, that's boyfriend right there.

eli/hawk as maddie nears

this is mainly out of convenience for the plot but maddie and eli do have some similarities.

despite having a best friend who thinks the world of them, both of them feel pretty alone and as though they're drowning in the world. neither of them feels supported by their mom and they both have a lot of trouble verbalizing their issues to the people around them. so when in doubt, push everyone and everything away. which is what happened between maddie and claire.

also the peycob vibes ??

like i said mainly for plot but i'm all for other reasons.

so together, hawkmetri being parallel with saddie makes SO MUCH sense.

so, as stated before, simon/demetri think the world of maddie/eli. they have so much love and respect for their childhood best friend that they are so willing to do anything to pull them out of the darkness and into the light. when simon found out maddie was a ghost, he continued his work trying to piece together what happened but he also immediately jumped into working with her and accepting every word she said (not that he had a reason not to). like for sure, yeah, i can talk to you. okay, there are other ghosts i can't see, gotcha. mr. anderson and claire aren't guilty? faulty logic there but i'll still look into other suspects. in s2, after he has his doubts but confirms maddie is real, he works even harder to get her body back. THAT ENTIRE S2 FINALE WAS ABOUT GETTING HER BACK TO HER BODY. like he was non stop on maddie's side through the whole show and consistently wanted to make sure she never gave up hope. same with demetri. even when hawk was off being an asshole, he was still kind of on his side. in s1/2, he didn't like the hawk stuff but he still hung out with him and adjusted to all the cobra kai stuff. when kreese assaulted him and hawk attacked him OVER AND OVER AGAIN, guess who didn't immediately go to the police? and it's because he was still on his side. he chose to suck it up and go out of his comfort zone and join karate so he could get through to hawk in a way he understood, karate. and when hawk has his whole mental breakdown in s4, demetri is right there so scoop him up. he admits he didn't like the karate stuff at first but he does now, and he knows hawk does. he pulls him up throughout the season until hawk trusts himself enough to win the whole tournament. so there's that.

AAAAAND not to point out the obvious but

simon throwing his northwestern interview bc maddie wasn't going anymore (or so he thought) and demetri rejecting mit bc eli wasn't going anymore. thinking thinking...

also some extras

the living group:

demetri as simon miguel as xavier sam as claire robby as nicole

claire and sam, the popular rich girls who everyone makes assumptions about but if they took a second to get to know her, they'd realize she's just a kid like everyone else and she needs support every now and then.

xavier and miguel, lowkey i had no justification besides his dynamics with everyone (again, plot convenience). him being close with eli pre-ghost and demetri not really liking him, then kind of going being eli's back with sam (who would have some weird rivalry/neutral relationship with eli), then having a weirdly clashing relationship with robby and demetri (who, in ck, were both in miyagi do and hated ck) before finally settling in as a goofy guy and being a complete 180 from his intimidating reputation.

nicole and robby, both overhated, both being pushed to the side by their "friends," both trying their best to solve all the problems on their own before realizing it's okay to accept help (i'm specifically thinking of robby joining ck and his sekai taikai arc in which he thought he was in control of everything but realized everything was way out of his hands and he needed help from everyone else)

the ghost group:

tory as rhonda kenny as janet silver as mr. martin moon as wally and of course, not pictured, eli/hawk as maddie

rhonda and tory, hurt strong girls who keep everything inside bc they're too scared to let anyone in again but they realize some people really just want the best for them. also they were both victims of grown men being creepy and disgusting. also angry lesbian. that's it.

janet and kenny, i could say so much. they were both really hurt and scared but excited and ambitious young students that were disadvantaged due to something out of their control (kenny was really small and janet was a girl). so they trusted an adult to guide them but all this adult did was trick them into thinking they cared and force them to do awful things for the adult's personal gain. THEN when janet/kenny lash out, everyone acts like they're evil but they really didn't want to hurt anyone, they just wanted to heal the part of them that was destroyed by other people. then they come back to the "good side" and allow themselves to heal and accept help. LOVELOVELOVE

mr martin and terry silver, uhhhh die? jkjkjkjk, i really don't like either of them. they both suck, they both manipulated kids. i don't care what their justification was, i don't care how many years they were spiraling. i really don't care. they both hurt my bookies sooooo disappear.

wally and moon, my beloveds, they're so cute. i mainly did this for plot but they're both super cute, sometimes seen as aloof, individuals who really just want the best for everyone around them. they're also both reformed bullies who would go to the ends of the earth to protect their token gay best friend (thinking of wally with charley and moon with demetri). but, for plot reasons, eli and moon being together in the afterlife and him questioning if he even wants to be alive again with demetri if he could have moon. liiiiiike INSANITY.

so yeah, to start from the beginning, eli is forced out of his body and kenny takes over. demetri finds out his best friend is now a ghost, miguel/robby/sam momentarily freak out bc they think they're responsible, mr. anderson is johnny and he's pretty close with eli but he is also momentarily a suspect. robby/sam/miguel all work together to find eli but demetri's weirdly avoidant like "guys he's dead" and conducts his own murder investigation with eli's ghost

when they find the person who's been doing all these awful things, and it is in fact eli/hawk, demetri freaks out bc "great ! great to know i really am going crazy ! and i just didn't want to accept that my best friend changed and did all these crazy things ! good to know, goodbye forever !" and eli manages to get through to him to prove he is in fact a ghost but a kid named kenny is walking around his body, doing all this random stuff, and running away from mr. silver, who all the kids trusted until they realized whoopsy ! he's not really a good guy !

and when they get closer to bringing kenny/eli back to campus to switch him out with eli, demetri is hurt to find out eli is hesitating. he doesn't know if he wants to come back if it means losing moon. and this breaks demetri's heart even more. bc he thought when eli chose miguel over him, that that would be the last time he broke his heart. but eli again chose someone else, namely a dead girl, over demetri. he was considering staying "dead" and letting demetri graduate and leave so he can spend eternity with a girl. a girl who's the complete opposite of demetri in every way.

and when they finally go to switch, silver pulls another cheap shot, moon tory and kenny try to stop him and eli decides to help them. but his body is dying without a spirit and demetri is panicking bc he's so close to getting his best friend back. the first time he thought he died was the worst period of his life. and he can't go back to that now that he would know for sure that he's actually dead and his spirit will still exist, stuck in the school. so he tries to go back in to find eli but he doesn't realize eli just barely got back to his body at the last second. and now demetri is stuck with silver and kenny. BOOM ABSOLUTE CINEMA

i need more ck x school spirits crossover. there's not enough for my liking (i've done absolutely nothing to search for it LMFAO)

[samsayswhatever]

The fact that they throw this Checkov's fruit in the mix so early on like this is hilarious to me.

Like later, there is a literal gun! But somehow my brain can't stop rotating this fruit in my head and wondering who could possibly die of this fruit?

Maybe Lochlan is going to accidentally put it in one of Saxon's protein shakes or something. Lochlan is oddly missing from the backgrounds of this "the fruit can kill you" scene - meaning he is probably just walking around not knowing it's deadly, and he is increasing his spontineity, protien shake intake, and "pranks" on his bro. So.

The dad could loose the gun, and then eat the fruit to kill himself. He probably wouldn't, but you never know. Maybe the truth will come out and he will think he deserves to suffer a slightly slower death (and it would be hilarious if the fruit didn't kill him after all that)

It could be like a twist where Belinda and Zion make it out of the shoot out, and then one dies to a smoothie because no one gave them a run down, and then the survivor comes back in S4 to ruin Pam - who should have warned them! (and is now in another cool hotel location after the shoot out)

Chelsea could eat it and go to the hospital to complete her set of 3 deadly things, and then be surprised by the shoot out anyway! Sometimes things come in 4's or more (like this show I hope)

Gaitok would know it's deadly, and he could use it to either kill himself out of shame for letting Mook die by the hand of the gun Tim stole on his watch OR he could use it to kill Tim to get the gun back to prevent losing his job and therefore Mook - who probably won't like him back after all that anyway

Any of the three white lady friends could get black out drunk and eat fruit with the russians and die - possibly causing the russians (or russians gf's) to start a shoot out in revenge

Either Gary or Chloe could feed it to each other because they really seem to hate each other and I'm not sure how much they care about not being a murderer...

Rick could use it to kill his father's killer. But he's more likely to just shoot the guy and go back to the hotel like nothing happened (then confess to his therapist Amrita, who'll either freak or marry him) but if he finds out his father wasn't killed by that guy, and was instead a dastardly dude, then maybe he could use that or the gun to take himself and/or Chelsea out

The shooter could kill Pornchai and then in SEASON FOUR Belinda could kill the shooter using the fruit in their complimentary massage smoothies in the next fun hotel location or whatever as a fun twist for next season :)

The fruit could of course be a total red herring, just there to be annoying like "Lamyai" the fruit that means annoying (from the HBO max Extras with the cast talking about Thai words)

Do YOU have any fun evil fruit related ideas? Please share them!

[moonspirit]

Hello congrats on your new chapter.

My mind has been off thinking again about sad attack on titan head cannons and I thought I’ll share and get your opinion on it.

So I don’t know about u but I imagine that shifting is painful. Extremely painful.

This obviously is a source for lots of angst, like the people they made into pure titans, so many people who were forced to endure extreme pain during their last award moments.

But what really makes me sad is the kids, the kids turned into pure titans either to be a warrior or just as a cruel punishment. Possibly being tied down as they naturally scream and squirm in fear and pain.

We know that Annie was one of the younger candidates in her generation of warriors and if this followed would this have happened to her? It seems like such a fear filled event that even her “cold” mask will break revealing a raw and genuine state of fear.

If she was tied down, this added to the trama of the crystal how would it affect her? Also having to be held down as they test her regenerative abilities (which likely would have been retested again and again as the female Titan can gain abilities from other titans)

What about the other warriors how would it affect them? Do they all have a big fear of needles? If they need a vaccine or blood test how will they react?

Armin was unconscious so he likely wouldn’t have this issue or at least not to the same extent. How will he help Annie and the others though?

What about jean and Connie? How will they help if at all?

Anyway, I hope u enjoyed your break and welcome back ❤️ make sure u take care of yourself

Ahhhhh hello! I'm so sorry I sat on this for a while T^T i needed to think about it. Hope you don't mind~

This is somewhat related to an ask you sent in a while ago, yes but let's dive a bit deeper into the ✨body science✨ of it.

(this is all just me speculating based on aot lore)

Since the Hallucigenia attached itself to Ymir's spine when she first came in contact with it, that is where the power of the Titans lives, and we already knew this even before S4. The nape, then, is an extremely sensitive and vulnerable spot for titans and shifters alike, being the area in the body that carries shifting power. The other things we know about the Hallucigenia are that it can change its own size and shape, it can influence the size and structure of other things in its vicinity, and it is capable of acting on its own under threat when there is no host to protect it.

I'm going to go and headcanon, then, that the Marleyan military preferred to inject their warrior candidates with titan serum directly into the spine (as opposed to just the general area on back of the neck as we already know) to maximise the effects of shifter power once the inheritance ritual gets complete.

Spinal injections, that is, without anaesthetic.

This would've required tying down the warrior candidates because they, being extremely young children, would've been prone to immense terror and fear only made even worse by their harsh lives and brutal training regimens. Post-inheritance, once the military began to conduct their experiments on the warriors' regeneration abilities and specialized skills, it would only have been yet another set of nightmares to live through. So no doubt; needles, tourniquets, medical equipment and "tests" terrify the surviving warriors, even long after the Rumbling.

What I want to focus on specifically is the process of shifting in itself. Back to the Hallucigenia's abilities, I feel it could be possible that once the power of the Titans was imbued into a person, it would cause them to suffer physical pain for a week at the very minimum. The neck especially, would hurt like hell. Sometimes it hurts enough that the head cannot be lifted, pushed down into a deep bend for days together.

And we all know how much it sucks to have neck pain, don't we 🙃🥲 ?

The Hallucigenia then, stretching to accommodate to the specific warrior's height and build; sending body temperature soaring as it spreads through the bloodstream; shooting sharp daggers of pain into muscle and flesh in preparation to generate and connect large bodies of giants; tingling and burning beneath the surface of the skin while branching out into a million little fibrous tendrils for every nerve ending and synapse to facilitate seamless movement...

There you have it; the reason why shifting is so painful.

I really like this actually, because we so often see the shifters regenerating lost limbs and healing from serious wounds seemingly without much pain - but it turns out, shifting IS a hugely painful experience, both in the beginning and every time afterwards.

I see every warrior having to suffer through this experience, and it affecting them badly for the rest of their lives to come. At such a young age when children usually look toward older figures for some comfort from any kind of pain, here you have a bunch of kids being forced into enduring mind-numbing levels of pain with very little in the way of reassurance.

Following the hc that the warriors were injected directly into the spine, Armin is spared this particular degree of pain since he was injected elsewhere (we assume Levi injected him in the arm, the other common place to give the serum). But he would still suffer from the other pains of the shifting ability.

I think it's easy to forget that Jean and Connie did actually turn into titans for a brief amount of time; while I don't know if they would've experienced any pain seeing as it was the Hallucigenia's smoke that caused them to turn, but it's interesting to think about the pains they would experience Post-Rumbling, if any.

And ofc: there is the comforting to be received from each of the Ambassadors, to one another T//////T

Thank you so much for sending this in! I loved thinking about this and diving into some made up titan science!!!!

[ladylaguna]

can u explain the mobian stone post you made? genuine question, i don't understand what you mean and i do want to! how is it problematic?

-aniya :3

Of course!

So, a common issue in representation in media has been the fact that people of color are generally not as well represented. Especially in the context of “main characters.” As heroes they tend to be relegated to the sidelines. As villains they get more play, but are frequently stereotyped: ie. Terrorists, gangsters, ninjas, etc.

Even in animated features they are frequently goofy animal sidekicks. Or if they get main billing, they are turned into animals for a large portion of their story, ie. Tiana in Princess and the Frog. It’s kind of a subtle way of reinforcing the message that they aren’t seen as people. Or that “mainstream America” wouldn’t support them if they were just themselves, because entertainment executives think a white person can more readily relate to a cute animal than a person with differently colored skin.

Knowing this information, when you take a pairing of a white and Arabic character and then turn the Arabic guy into an animal, it can potentially send the wrong message to someone who might really have related to Stone. Also, goats being an integral type of livestock in the Middle East, I personally can’t help but ask, is this an homage to Lee’s place of birth or is this a means of dehumanizing him? Does this send a message that we only see middle eastern men as goat herders? As a white person, these aren’t decisions I get to make. Which is why I hope that there have been people of color, especially people of Arabic descent, who have been involved in this fad. Because otherwise… 😬

Hopefully he’s just been a busy bee, but I can’t help but notice that Lee was super into the S4 Villain Stone fad and lately I have not seen him on Twitter. :P he doesn’t seem to be engaging with Mobian Stone content.

And of course I understand this is the Sonic fandom, where many of us see anthropomorphic animals as people. And I don’t think that the people drawing/writing Mobian Stone are intentionally being malicious. But it’s important to still consider the impact of these sorts of moves. There’s a debate on twitter right now regarding how/when/if Sonic has been portrayed as increasingly white coded over the years! And artists who draw gijinka of the characters with brown skin frequently have to put up with harassment. So, unfortunately, this stuff matters.

Also, this is my old lady opinion but I’m already on a soapbox, so: the Robotnik I know hates animals. He literally uses them to run his machines. So I have a hard time believing he’d even tolerate M!Stone in any of his original verses lol! I haven’t played the games or read the comics for like 20 years though, so… things may have changed 😂

I hope this helps explain how I see things! And I want to make sure it’s clear I don’t have any hate in my heart for people who are into the little guy. He’s adorable. But he’s just not my jam!

[madsworld15]

Just Know I Learned to Hide It Well Part 2 (Brian/Justin WIP)

This portion takes place right after my previous post and is still Brian POV. If he seems out of character know that it’s intentional since I feel the writers really dropped the ball on his emotional growth by s4.

But then, Vic died, and everything got pushed to the side in favor of making sure Deb and Mikey felt supported in their grief. Vic’s death hit me hard, but I still couldn’t admit that out loud to anyone. So, instead, I used my blunt but honest way of speaking, which got me thrown out. I had hoped Justin would leave with me, but even he seemed angry at me. My head spun, trying to identify if he was mad at me or the world in general.

That night, instead of going back to Babylon and picking up a trick like I so desperately wanted, I stayed in my loft drinking Beam and trying not to think too much about all the pain around me. I wasn’t sure that Justin would come here after he was done at Deb’s, but my heart hoped for it. In fact, I couldn’t stop myself from continually looking over my shoulder toward the door as I pretended to work on an upcoming campaign for Eyeconic Optics.

Around midnight, my door slid open, and Justin came in without a word. By that time, I had retired to my bed with a joint and a bottle of water. I was still thinking heavily about what Ted had said the day before. Justin fits himself into other people’s worlds instead of making his own. I thought about how Justin was currently camping out on Daphne’s couch instead of using his Rage money to rent an apartment of his own. It seemed as though Ted’s observation had been right. I just couldn’t figure out why Justin refused to make a world for himself.

Justin scrambled onto the bed and wordlessly took the joint from my fingers. He leaned back on his pillow and exhaled smoke. It lingered in the air between us as I continued to ponder Justin’s motives and desires, and he lay there deep in his own thoughts. Then, I heard a sniffle from his side of the bed, and I turned.

Justin was crying. Not the typical quiet tears that you’d find in someone who’d lost a person they knew but weren’t extremely close to. I knew Justin had lived with Vic when he was at Deb’s right before the bashing, but I’d never gotten the impression that the two had bonded all that much. But here he was, sobbing so hard his nose was also running. Without another thought, I pulled him against my chest and held him close. I let him cry until he was ready to talk or sleep, whichever he preferred.

Justin eventually pulled his arms up to wrap around me and squeezed us closer together. The young man seemed to be unable to stop his emotions from spilling over. Not for the first time, I wondered how much of this was related to Vic’s passing and how much was an emotional release regarding his past trauma. (Don’t get weird on me. I do know certain psychology terms. In fact, I see a guy every once in a while who offers me a few insights.)

Finally, Justin turned his head so that he lay against my chest and stared toward my closet and attached bathroom. His fingers started to doodle things on my arm as he tried to steady his breathing, most likely muddling through his thoughts to create a coherent sentence. I let my hands run up and down his back, hoping it would help him calm down.

“Deb’s still mad at you, by the way.” Justin finally muttered.

I groaned both at how stubborn Deb was being and at Justin’s refusal to open up about anything of importance. But, then again, he learned from the master – me.

“You know, Vic would agree with me. He was damn lucky to have been given those years. And I’m not going to take back my words to make someone feel better.” A silence fell between us before I added, “But I’m sorry you had to face the family alone.”

“It wasn’t so bad. I mostly sat in the kitchen while Em flitted around making food.” What he didn’t say, but I knew to be true, was he sat in the kitchen because everyone crammed into the living room was too much for him.

Justin started to kiss my neck and then pulled back my shirt and kissed my clavicle. I knew where he was headed, so I stopped him. I didn’t want to have sex. I tried to get him to talk. But I also didn’t want him to think I was rejecting him because that would make everything that much worse.

“I was thinking. What would you say to have half of the closet back to store your clothes? And why don’t you set up a space here for your art? I could get you whatever you need.” My eyes followed his every move as he processed what I was saying.

“Are you asking me to move in permanently?” Justin looked like he wanted to bolt. Before Ethan, that question would have been enthusiastic; now, it just made him uneasy.

“I’m saying I want you around as much as you can handle. I want you to feel like you belong here because you do.” I rubbed my hand up and down his back in comfort.

Justin bit his lip and looked around the loft. “But this is your place. I don’t want to be in the way of your tricks.”

The tail end of his statement stung a little. I know he meant well because I did still occasionally pick up tricks. Mostly out of boredom while I waited for him to get off the graveyard shift at the diner. But I digress. Ted’s words echoed in my mind as I worked out the right words to say to keep him comfortable.

Have you ever considered that Justin molds himself to fit into other people’s worlds instead of demanding that others fit to him?

“What would make you most comfortable when you are here? I don’t want you to ever think you are in my way. Because you’re not.” I made sure my hand was on his back as I spoke to him to be sure he knew he was loved and wanted.

“But you don’t want me to move in.” Justin’s tone was broken and forlorn. I truly didn’t know what to make of him in this state.

“I didn’t say that. I am simply giving you control over what you want. I know you don’t want to be alone, or else you would’ve used your Rage money and gotten your own place instead of crashing on Daphne’s couch. If you’d much rather be here, I’m telling you that I wouldn’t mind it either.” I moved my hand from his back to his cheek, cupping it gently as my thumb rubbed his skin to soothe his racing thoughts.

“Can I decide later?” Justin whispered, turning his body away from me. It was a sure sign that he wasn’t in the mood to continue our conversation. So, instead of responding, I reached out and pulled him back down so that we were lying in each other’s arms once again.

I rubbed my hand through his hair as I felt his breaths even out against my chest. My mind was still racing, unable to stop. I wanted Justin to open up, but it seemed that all the things that had happened between us in the almost 3 years since we’d met had forever affected his ability to fully trust what I was saying to him. I will never admit it out loud, but that hurt more than him leaving me for the fiddler.

Eventually, I fell asleep, soothed by the sound of Justin’s breathing and the weight of him.

—

Two days after Vic died, Justin seemed to have perked up a bit. He was back to joking and laughing. He’d even given me an answer about making my loft a bit more of a joint space for the two of us. He’d done so by bringing his computer back to the loft along with a small desk that he’d bought for himself. Justin still hadn’t brought any of his clothes or personal care items, but I knew that the computer was a huge step toward him being with me more permanently.

We were enjoying an after-work sex session. It was so nice to finally feel the tendrils in my mind unfurl at the mere touch of the one person I would ever allow access to my body more than my standard couple of times. Justin was the only person I would ever allow inside the walls that guarded my most intimate thoughts and feelings. He was the only one who knew every inch of me better than even my most favorite of tricks.

“Uhh, Brian?” Justin repositioned himself away from my cock midblow job.

I looked down at him without adjusting my position. Looking at him through my lashes was always something that I kept stored in my memory to look back on when I was jerking myself off, and he wasn’t there. Only, this time, he wasn’t shining up at me with his usual enthusiasm. This time, he was looking at me very concerned. That alone forced me to sit up, putting a bit of distance between us. Something was up. My mind immediately jumped to Justin, deciding he wanted to leave me for good this time. It didn’t matter that this particular thought was extremely irrational, considering what we were in the middle of doing.

I couldn’t find my voice, so I simply raised an eyebrow at him in question. Justin got the idea and immediately started to speak once more.

“Were you aware that you have a sort of lump on your ball?” Justin looked nervous as hell as if he expected me to lash out. Which considering my emotionally immature history, he wasn’t wrong.

“A what?” I managed to croak out. My mind raced with fear over what the lump could be. Lumps on body parts were never a good thing.

“A, um, lump. It’s about this big.” Justin held up his hand, two of his fingers connected to make a smallish circle.

I leaned forward and placed my hands on his shoulders, “No, but I promise I’ll get it looked at. It’s probably nothing.”

I then got up and walked toward the bathroom. Justin had enough going on in his own head; he didn’t need my insane thoughts, too. But the young blond followed me closely. I knew he was probably switching into that annoying caretaker mode that he loved so much. I also didn’t have the heart to turn him away. Now that I was more open to admitting that he was important to me, I had found that I wasn’t as prickly about him seeing me when I was not my best.

“Brian?” Justin finally spoke as I leaned into the shower to turn on the water stream. I didn’t respond. Instead, I silently looked at him and nodded my head toward the shower. I wanted him in the shower with me even if I wasn’t ready to talk about the possible problem we’d just discovered.

Justin nodded silently, understanding, and rubbed his hand on my back as he followed me inside. Under the water, we both looked at each other before connecting our mouths in a way only the two of us knew. Feeling the love and support ooze from him with every move of his mouth on mine reminded me why it was never a challenge for me to agree to only kiss him on the lips. Even when we were broken up, I couldn’t bring myself to kiss anyone else because, after him, nothing was ever quite as good.

I was in the midst of washing his back when Justin finally spoke again. I knew he would eventually. If I was the epitome of walls and silence, Justin was openness and communication – usually.

“What if it’s cancer?” Justin’s voice was wet, and I knew it was from more than just the shower stream. Without responding, I wrapped my arms around his chest and pulled him against my own. I kissed the side of his head before I nuzzled his neck.

“Then, I’ll deal with it.” I finally whispered. “It’s all going to be fine.”

Justin turned in my arms so that we were now eye to eye. His gaze wandered across my face. “How can you say that when your dad died from cancer?”

I kissed him again, this time on the forehead. “Sunshine, my father ignored his health, and so the cancer spread beyond the point of help. I swear, when we get out of the shower, I will call my doctor and see what he says.”

“On a Saturday?” Justin looked unconvinced.

“You know, most doctors still practice on the weekends.” I ruffled his hair and reached behind him to turn off the water.

“Can I go with you?” Justin asked, his voice soft and timid.

I tossed his towel at him and started to dry off my own body as I thought over how I wanted to respond. If this had been before our breakup, I wouldn’t have even hesitated to push him away from something so intimate. But now we’d been through hell and back together, and for some reason, I found I could trust him better than I ever did Mikey. I found my heart aching for Justin to be there while I got the news, one way or the other.

“Sure.” I shrugged to make it seem like this wasn’t as monumental for our relationship as it was.

“Seriously?” Justin lit up like I hadn’t seen him do in weeks. He bounced up and down, pulling on my arm.

“Don’t make a big deal out of it, or I will retract the invite.” I rolled my eyes and turned to my closet to change.

By the time I had carefully selected a comfortable pair of jeans with one of the soft t-shirts I never wore out in public and had called my doctor to make an appointment, Justin was sitting at his computer, dressed and already immersed in some kind of art piece.

I smiled to myself while watching him work. His intense focus whenever he was creating made my chest ache in the most comforting way. I’d long wondered why he did that to me in the midst of art, but I was too terrified to put it into words.

I walked over to his desk and leaned over to nuzzle his neck once more. The smell at the point where his neck and shoulders met was always my favorite. It put my mind at ease every single time, though I would never tell him that. Or maybe I will someday.

“Monday morning at 9. What are you doing?” I finally asked, trying to gauge how committed he was to attend my appointment with me.

“I have a class, but honestly, I can skip it. It���s art history, and let’s just say I already read the entire textbook.” Justin turned slightly to kiss my nose with a smirk.

“Of course you have.” I roll my eyes, pretty sure Justin could detect that I did so fondly. “What do you say about going to the oncologist with me?”

Justin turned his computer off and gave me his full attention. I stepped back to give him room to get out of his chair. I watched him, nervous that he would go back on his offer. Even if I would never say it out loud, I was scared, and the idea of him being there made me happier than I ever thought possible.

“You were serious about letting me join you?” Justin looked incredulous.

“I never say or do anything I don’t want to.” I shrugged as if my response was remotely close to satisfactory.

Justin approached me, a smile growing on his face, and he wrapped his arms around my neck, locking me in place.

“Of course, I’ll come with you.” Then Justin laid his head against my chest, and we just stood there in silence for a bit. It was nice just existing with him. No expectations needed.

We spent the rest of the weekend dividing our time between Justin’s work hours, family obligations, and Lindsay begging me to come to the park with her and Gus. By the time Sunday night rolled around, Mikey was at the loft begging me to go to Babylon with him while Justin was across the room working on a project for school. Despite them making demands of him, I was glad Justin had finally decided to go back to school.

“Come on, Brian!” Michael whined. “You haven’t been to Babylon since before Vic died.”

“I’ve been grieving.” I deadpan, my gaze sweeping over to Justin, who snorted just as I finished speaking.

“Sure, you have.” Mikey looked between us enviously. Then he leaned over the kitchen counter so he could whisper to me without Justin hearing. “I thought you guys were keeping it casual.”

I look at Michael and then shake my head, “Mikey, what I do in my own time is none of your business. If I want Justin to suck me off all weekend long, then I’m allowed to. We are both consenting adults.”

“Barely,” Mikey whined again. “You never come out with me anymore.”

“You have your own hubby and child now, Mikey. I wouldn’t want to take you away from them.” I snark in a way that I hope will get Mikey to leave. The longer I watched Justin create, the more I wanted to make him come undone on my bed.

“They’re at some HIV group thing tonight.” Mikey shrugged. “Come on, I’m sure Babylon is much better than just staying home with him.”

Justin got up from his computer and stretched his arms above his head. Then, he brought his hands together to massage his damaged one. I strode from the kitchen, ignoring Mikey’s jab at Justin. I gently took his hand in mine and started to massage it like he always liked. Without a word, I knew the pain was slowly receding as he looked into my eyes, and we silently communicated.

“Mikey, my answer is no. Please leave.” I responded after some time, still not taking my eyes off Justin.

We heard the door open and then slam close. My eyes never once left Justin’s, which means I caught when he ever so subtly relaxed in Michael’s absence.

“You know he’s just…” I stopped myself, unsure how to explain what Mikey was doing.

“Brian,” Justin cupped my cheek to focus me, “It’s fucking Mikey. I never take what he says to heart. At least not anymore. He knows you’ll never love him, but he can’t handle you actually loving someone else.”

“Is that what you think this is, Sunshine,” I smirked and put my tongue in my cheek.

Justin didn’t respond, instead, he kissed me deeply on the mouth. I gave his tongue entrance, and soon we were wrapped up in each other, Mikey a mere memory. Before I wanted it to, the kiss ended. Justin smirked up at me and patted my bicep.

He walked back toward the desk to continue his art but turned slightly to respond, “Whether you want to admit it or not, you love me.”

And you know what, I do. Woah, that’s a terrifying thought.

The next morning, Justin was up long before our joint alarm, so I knew he was just as nervous about this appointment as I was. I was never a naturally comforting person, so I was at a loss for how to reassure him while my own fears were building up. My mind turned to Deb and how she always seemed to know the right thing to say. I couldn’t come up with anything. Instead, I got up and found him staring out of the bay of windows. I quietly walked up behind him and wrapped my arms around his torso, letting my chin fall on his shoulder. It was one of our favorite ways to comfort each other without speaking.

“What if you have cancer?” Justin’s question from a few days ago comes out of his mouth once more. He says it very quietly with as much caution as I’ve ever heard in his tone.

I squeezed him even closer to my chest so he could feel my heart beating against his back. Then, with a kiss on his neck, I responded.

“Then I’ll have cancer. What’s one more thing for us to handle?”

Justin fell silent once more, but I didn’t push him to respond. I wanted him to process all his thoughts and then speak to me.

“Maybe I shouldn’t go today. If it’s bad news, you’ll want to sit with it for a while before you tell me. Like always.” Justin shrugged away from my embrace and plopped down on the couch. I ran my hand down my face before I turned around to face him.

“I wouldn’t have told you to come if I didn’t want you there.” I didn’t sit down; based on Justin’s body language, he needed some space right now. “I know I’ve been guarded in the past. But, I thought we were past all that after what happened with Stockwell.”

Justin sighed and then looked up at me; his eyes were brimming with unshed tears. He angrily wiped at them to make them retreat. Something was bothering him, making him emotionally vulnerable, but he didn’t want to talk about it. I needed to do something fast if I hoped to salvage what little ground I felt we had made since he found the lump. I crossed the room in three quick steps and sat down, angled toward him with our knees making contact.

“Justin, what’s going on?” I reached out to hold his hand, but he moved it away.

“Ever since I was running around with Cody, I haven’t been able to get Chris Hobbs out of my head, and then my thoughts morph into a version where you break up with me.” He paused to take a few deep breaths. “I know in here,” he pointed to his chest, “That you wouldn’t do that. Just like you wouldn’t stop me if I left. But,” He shrugged and stopped speaking. It was as if he’d lost his nerve.

Then he pointed to his head, “But up here, it tells me all the time that I’m a waste of space. That you think I’m always in the way. That no one really wants me. After all, if my parents, who are supposed to love me no matter what, could abandon me, how can I rely on anyone else?”

It was the most he had ever spoken to me about his mental health and how he felt. I knew that in the past, I hadn’t been very receptive to feelings or emotions. It made me feel good knowing that he now trusted me to hear his issues and not react badly.

“Sunshine. You are never a waste of space, and I will never think you are in the way. I l-” I faltered on that one four-letter word that came so easily to so many but not to me. “I care about you. I have for a very long time.” Then I pulled him into another hug, this time I made sure he could feel every breath I took.

“Let’s get ready for my appointment. I figure we could have some fun in the shower.” I winked at him with a mischievous smile. Justin just shook his head and smiled at me.

[mulders-too-large-shirt]

s4 episode 21 "zero sum" thoughts

this episode had me entirely TRANSFIXED. at no moment did i know what was going to happen next, and i badly wanted to learn!! rejoice: a skinner episode!!! where he is driven to desperation by how much he loves his agents! i truly do not think i could have asked for more!!

(okay, scully wasn't there, which is usually my number one priority... but hear me out: the episode was still SO good despite her absence, which is a testament to some HIGH QUALITY WRITING)

so!! back to my live report from approximately 24 hours ago, when i began my journey into this rollercoaster of an ep. take it away, past juni:

after last episode, i have gone through all of the emotions known to humankind. i am interested to see where we will go next, having ventured into those uncharted waters. perhaps these waters will be more… charted.

A SKINNER EPISODE!!! he’s framed for murder AGAIN??? he can’t keep being put in these circumstances bro 😭

why would skinner cover up a death caused by bees??? that seems pretty cut and dry. bees did it. nobody’s fault. unless they’re secret FBI bees the world isn’t supposed to know about…? obviously the doctor is going to say “yup, bees did it, not humans”, right?? i mean if someone dies of bee stings i assume it’s very obvious??? and that no murder charges would be filed?? because?? bees did it??

(author's note: lmao. what a fool i was)

skinner. i am ready to learn more about you. 

we open at a place that ships packages. this woman (jane) needs a cigarette. her friend (later revealed to be named misty) is telling her to quit smoking. i’m not sure that is an effective strategy.

jane runs to the bathroom and is going to smoke in there??? not even outside??? what was going ON in the 90's!!!

but oh no! some bees emerge from the bathroom sink. MANY MANY MANY BEES. someone please call that lady on tiktok that scoops hives out with her hands while whispering into the camera “another great day of saving the beeeeeeees” (god i hope she’s doing well)

bee swarm of intense proportions is going on rn. can you buy bees at the store? is that what they did for filming this? order a bunch of bees at the bee store?? huh. 

anyway, they’re approaching jane the cigarette lady very very quickly. they’re in the stall!!! she’s smacking at them!! 

but cig lady’s friend misty is getting concerned. she goes to the bathroom to fetch her friend where she finds… an empty bathroom?? free of bees. with only a smoking cigarette on the floor and DEAD JANE COVERED IN BEE STINGS!!!!!!!

WHERE DID THE BEES GO MAN!!!

dang. those bee stings are gnarly. shoutout makeup team.

skinner is looking at jane's files. why does this interest you, skinner?? why is he deleting them?? probably because he does not consider insect related cases FBI matters

WAIT! HE WASN’T ON HIS COMPUTER…. HE WAS ON MULDER’S!!!

WHAT!!! (we need to give this reveal some space to sink in)

... he knows mulder's passwords……?

skinner. WHAT are you hiding!!! i used to hate him and then i sort of liked him and then i hated him and now i am affectionate towards him. we must not begin the cycle again!!!

well, now i’m invested. 

intro time. and i'm still laughing about that tweet of scully serving three quarters profile in her badge pic

after so many shortened intros, this one felt long!!!

skinner is… leaving his house? he has a bookend that looks like an elephant. now what does that say about him… and a what looks like a buddha in the corner. IS this his house??? buddhist skinner confirmed?

he’s taking off a “do not enter” sign and going into the bathroom where the bee incident went down, armed with just a flashlight. and he finds the cigarette, which he flushes. he’s cleaning the bathroom floor with a portable vacuum!! WHAT DOES HE KNOW!!!!!!!

i’m literally soooo invested, i’m not even joking. his ass is on his hands and knees SCRUBBING. what has brought assistant director skinner to this forbidden janitorial work!?!

this is very dark though, screen wise. had to up the brightness. 

he finds something oozing from the ceiling. and he sniffs it before wiping it away. gross. is it honey? weird neon honey?

now he’s picking the lock of the MORGUE!!!!!!! is he gonna steal jane’s body??!!!!!! bro what the HELL!!!!

someone in the coroner’s office hears a distant thud and almost finds him TAKING HER BODY!!!!!!!!! it seems he narrowly escaped!!! he hid around the corner and took jane with him…. to a very weird place. he’s climbing up a ladder. is it an incinerator? 

bro, he must be strong as hell. anyway, he takes her body and places it in a fire. 

my guess is that somehow she was contaminated with secret bee poison and he needs to make sure no one else gets sick from it????? by incinerating the body?? but that doesn’t do anything about the bees themselves??

he’s at the police station now, asking about jane. HE GIVES HIS NAME AS MULDER????? he has a fake badge and everything… omg do NOT get my boy in trouble!!

the policeman shows him a vial of blood from jane, which he replaces with a vial from his own pocket, and wipes the pen he took. ohhhh what is going on!!!!!!

so now he’s going back to his car with the blood. but someone runs out to see him!!! calling “agent mulder”!

it’s the detective who emailed the pictures to the REAL mulder!!! he somehow knows that mulder is part of the x files (which i feel shouldn't be information random people should know) but skinner is trying to say that nothing here warrants his involvement. 

he is deeply suspicious. but someone is watching him!!!!!!!! who is this mystery fellow watching this go down????

skinner is get undressed at 3:55 AM. and it IS his house with the elephant and the buddha!!!

SKINNER FOLLOWS THE FOUR NOBLE TRUTHS AND THE EIGHTFOLD PATH, LET'S GOOOO 🔥🔥🔥

(that is a more interesting interpretation than him keeping a buddha around as decor, but hey, pick your headcanon as you please)

and who shows up but REAL MULDER!!!! AT 4 AM??? BRO WHAT IS HE DOING?? he should be on his couch!!!! sleeping!!

he has been trying to reach skinner…. OHHHH HE CLOCKED RIGHT AWAY THAT THERE IS A COVERUP!!!

and the detective was SHOT AND KILLED!!!! 

(my friend called me at this point to tell me that liam payne died. this has absolutely no relevance on the episode, but it did lead to me pausing for a half hour to share this news with others. and it would feel inappropriate to not include it in the write up)

mulder knows someone forged his name at the lab and he just wants skinner’s help!!

NO!!! SCULLY IS IN THE HOSPITAL SO SHE CAN’T HELP…. HER DOCTOR SAYS HER TUMOR MIGHT BE METASTASIZING… NO NO NO not my poor sweet scully...

no scully this episode…. this is sad :(

skinner is doubly gagged…… maybe even triply gagged between the revelation of the detective being killed, mulder being onto him, and scully being in the hospital. he is flabbergasted, one might even say. 

he’s going somewhere in very tight pants. someone tries to hit him with a car?!?

IT’S CSM!!!! and the guy from before who was watching the exchange with the detective go down!!!!!! 

ohhhh skinner has GRABBED him by the collar and is yelling that he MURDERED him!!! but CSM says to keep his voice down

“i wouldn’t get too comfortable on your moral high ground, mr. skinner. this only happened because you left your job unfinished” <- hey WHAT DOES THAT MEAN??

(i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again… CSM’s voice is so soothing. tell me a story, scary man)

skinner says that he has followed CSM’s instructions…. and when skinner points out that the detective didn’t have to die, he says that he is “in no position to question the terms of our arrangement”

is this the deal he negotiated with to try and save scully???? and is it even working if she’s in the hospital right now??

he tries to say they have no arrangement and walk away, but CSM basically says well, i’ll have my bestie here kill you. and so skinner saunters off in his very tight pants, defeated. 

he wakes up on the couch to a phone ringing. and it’s mulder saying that jane's body was stolen, and all the evidence has been cleaned. “slow down” “i’m sorry sir, but i can’t” <- his brain was in overdrive!!

mulder figured out the replacement blood wasn’t jane's because she has a different folate serum level and skinner seems to be cursing himself for such a mistake. a good catch on mulder's part.

he has one lead, and it’s the make of the gun. but skinner realizes something… his gun isn’t in his desk!!! WHAT!! NO NO NOOOOOO

he calls CSM and growls that “you can’t do this”…….  he says that the man died so skinner could have what he wanted… what does that mean…

A CURE FOR AGENT SCULLY??????

WHAT!!!!

what does that have to do with the bees!!!

“if anything happens to her, i will expose you” <- OHHHH HE IS NOT MESSING AROUND!!! he said i'll get us both thrown in prison if you fuck with my agents!!!!

“i don’t care what happens to me” <- OHHHH MY GOD I’M RIPPING OFF MY SHIRT IN BIBLICAL LEVELS OF GRIEF. he loves her.

“agent scully stands to live a full and healthy life. i would hope the same for you, mr. skinner” <- no no no no no. please don’t kill him. please? for me?

(this made me picture a world without skinner and it was very sad. do not make me imagine this ever again. i won't stand for it)

this episode has me HOOKED!!!!!

back at the shipping warehouse, skinner is being led to the restroom. the bee incident only went down yesterday!!!! he finds more of the yellow goop… and says he needs a hammer

he’s beating the hell out of that wall and finds it filled with honeycomb!! but this is probably EVIL honeycomb, right?

why yes, of course. he brings some of the evil honey to someone in maryland with a very cool in-house lab. oh, to be a maryland scientist with an incredible laboratory in the home that i own, because homes were plentiful in those days.

would it help to know that this bee can kill people? “any kind of bee can be lethal” <- well that is not super helpful in this particular case. nor is this fact comforting.

when it seems all hope is lost, bee scientist man finds some royal jelly and a larvae!! so hopefully soon they will have some answers. and now i know what royal jelly is.

oh, turns out 6 months ago mulder called the same guy asking about killer bees… well, he is always up to such activity. he was probably also calling a marine biologist about the loch ness monster. he keeps those DMV area professors BUSY

(author's note: now knowing what this is referring to, i think it is so fascinating to place s4 within a timeline of 6 months!!!!)

skinner is going through the x files folders down in mulder's office. and why the hell does one say “foo fighters” in the background!!! has the FBI finally found what the foo that they are fighting is???

OH!!! he finds the pictures of the child clones working in the honey farm!!! from earlier!! i was wondering if we were ever going to revisit that!!

he sees covarrubias' number on there so he starts to call her… omg…

(i have never seen one of those big rolly things of contact lists before)

but just as he is about to call, mulder walks in!!! he has pictures of the parking lot from the night of the Event… pictures that show a very blurry skinner that he cannot recognize AS skinner, but he’s going to take them over to special photo department, and oh no. oh no.

mulder asks what skinner wanted to tell him and he scrambles to just say he wanted to check on his progress… and i cannot tell if mulder believes him or not

skinner calls covarrubias about the bees. and she has to tell him that there was no bee evidence at all. so skinner counters with: well what if *i* have the bees??? well, then that would change things.

covarrubias is really pretty. while i may not like that she basically became deep throat 3.0, she is very pretty

bee scientist comes home to find all the lights out!!!!! his lights are covered in bees!!! it seems they broke through!!! no no no no!!! they cover his windows!! and he is being swarmed….. 

a terrible (or perhaps fitting) end for a man of bee science

mulder calls skinner down to show him the body of the bee scientist. and he had symptoms of SMALLPOX???? they put the smallpox in the BEES???? oh my god. new worst nightmare just dropped.

skinner wants to know how he contracted a disease that no longer exists, and yes, it did in fact come from the bees.

mulder thinks that someone is trying to revive the world’s deadliest disease!! oh my god!! how does this relate to the aliens???? i thought i knew at one point but now i don’t!! 

skinner asks mulder to tell him what he finds when he goes over to the photo department…

back at the shipping warehouse, skinner is talking to misty, jane’s friend. she clearly knows something but isn’t saying it. jane was misty’s best friend. and they were trying to go on vacation together. </3

OH. THE MEN WHO CAME THERE SAID IF THEY TALKED TO ANYONE SHE WOULD LOSE HER JOB….. they wanted a package!!!!! a damaged package!!

and it was stored right next to the bathroom where jane was found?!!

shipping bees… package gets damaged… bees get loose… smallpox bees everywhere… very bad very bad…

luckily, she can look up the tracking number!!!

back at the photo lab, someone who is not pendrell but looks like him is working on the photo. and mulder says that it is very important to him.

oh, his sad sad face as he realizes who it is…. like somebody punched a baby in front of him.

back at the alien groupchat meeting!! (again i think they’re called the syndicate?? i googled something once and that came up)

CSM is showing them the last remaining bee, saying all others were destroyed. and the body has been sanitized. CSM tries to say it has been taken care of. but the others want answers on what went down. 

“should we presume that the trial run is proceeding as planned?” “it’s already begun” <- HEY WHAT DOES THAT MEAN…… and why is the next shot KIDS ON A PLAYGROUND………… with a BEE BUZZING……….

kid gets stung by a bee…… as a ton of other kids ALSO get stung by bees!!!!!!! no!! not the kids!!!!

one kid trips and falls, and when the teacher tries to save him, she is swarmed!!!!!!! and the little kid has horrible marks all over him!!!! as do the other kids!!!!

skinner is here at this hospital to see what is going on… and he tells the doctor that the kids need to be treated for smallpox. this does not go over well with the doctor!!! he says that not only is smallpox no longer around, but it has an 8 day incubation period. well okay. i guess. things have changed.

covarrubias is here!! hold up is her name MARITA and i’ve been getting it wrong this whole time?! editing this post to refer to her by last name instead. i cannot tell if that is a subtitle error or the Truth. i’m sorry miss covarrubias. coh-vah-roo-bee-us.

she called asking about the contents of 7 packages sent to south carolina!!

“you’re a little late to do anything about it” “so are you, apparently” <- ohhh get his ass

she asks wtf is going on, and that she needs to tell the UN so don’t mess around. he hypothesizes that it’s an experiment using bees as carriers for disease. and when skinner says he hasn’t told mulder, she straight up asks if he’s involved OHHHH!! but he denies it. 

she says he has to come forward…..

back home. he starts to dial a number but stops, pulling his gun (which is now back in his desk!) out

AND OHHHHH MY GOD MULDER IS HERE AT SKINNER'S PLACE. “PUT THE GUN DOWN AND MOVE AWAY FROM THE DESK” <-OHHHH NO. IT’S GOING DOWN. 

ugh this is gonna be a two parter, isn’t it… i had a sneaking suspicion 

(it actually wasn't. but you can't blame me there. it was looking pretty close)

OHHHHHHH MULDER WENT THERE…. “you’ve been working with the smoking man all along. you knew when they had my father killed, and you knew when they took scully” <- OHHH MY GOD. his rage is barely contained and he looks like a damn animal.

skinner points out that the lock in his desk was forced open, why would he force his own lock open? and that the police are probably on their way right now. 

oh my gosh… i’m holding my breath… is mulder going to believe him? will skinner tell the truth?

“i advised you against a certain course of action some time ago concerning agent scully. i didn’t follow my own advice” <- oh my god........... the confession.............

he was willing to admit to making a deal with the devil for scully... does she know how loved she is...?

mulder gets quiet and says “give me the gun” <- WHAT IS HE THINKING? 

someone is firing it into some water? i guess that is how you figure out what the murder weapon is. and the guy says he is absolutely certain this is it.

mulder says they find it in a sewer grate around the corner (but for a moment i fully believed he was going to say it was his). the expert guy breaks the news that unless forensics pulled a print, it’s untraceable because the serial number was cleared off.

skinner leaves at this news. he almost smiles, and i wondered if the expert was going to call him out on such odd behavior. and from there, he goes to meet CSM. 

ohhhhh he has the gun to CSM's head!!! “agent scully is dying and you haven’t done a damn thing about it” <- HOLY SHIT!!! CSM’s smirking…. the right bastard

he claims that if skinner kills him, he’ll also kill scully… and that he had saved her life before when he had her returned to mulder.

“but you’ll never know if you pull the trigger, will you?” <- OHHHHHH MY GOD. is he bluffing or not!!!!! how would he have a way to cure her beyond letting one of the aliens he keeps on hold touch her???

SKINNER FIRES THREE SHOTS??????? DID HE SAY FUCK IT AND KILL HIM. IS THIS THE END OF CSM?????

NO. they were JUST behind his head. oh the tension was THICK.

message received. i hope. whoever is on the phone is asking about skinner, saying mulder will be contacting them soon.

it's covarrubias????? she says she’ll tell him what CSM wants her to tell him. WHAT!!!!!

“tell him what he wants to hear” <- HEY WHAT. IS HE GOING TO LIE AND SAY SCULLY IS OKAY????

thus concludes the episode.

I HAVE A LOT OF THOUGHTS.

okay, first of all, covarrubias works for CSM. i feel silly for not picking up on that because we KNEW she works for the UN, famously the host of the alien groupchat parties, but i didn't even put it together at all. but just because she works for him doesn't really mean anything, because deep throat and x also nominally worked for him. to what extent is still unclear- maybe they did everything on his orders, stringing mulder along to keep him distracted from learning the truth- or maybe there were aspects of corruption they felt were "safe" to be exposed and lead him along the path for this deeper trap that CSM is laying for him. so we cannot make a covarrubias moral judgement just yet- but we also know we cannot trust her.

next. skinner loves his agents so much, dude. willing to kill AND die for scully to be okay... please think on this for a moment. and then think about it some more. how he told mulder to never make a deal with the devil, then did it himself even though he has so much to lose as the assistant director. and for the rest of his life he'll have to live with knowing he assisted in his murky and horrific plans, including infecting children with the world's deadliest diseases, because he could not stand to lose scully.

there are many kinds of love, some of which are complex and indescribable and cannot be inserted into conventional roles, and i think that is exactly what is going on here. the incalculable love for skinner and his agents.

okay. and mulder trusting skinner SO ABSOLUTELY. showing up at his apartment at 4 AM to ask for help. offering to take out the trash, and the constant updates he provided him on the case. the way his face FELL when he realized it was skinner in the photo. and how he came to believe that skinner knew about or was perhaps even behind the calls to kill his father and kidnap scully. how betrayed and horrified he was. how he must have recalled his mantra of "trust nobody", how he must have been kicking himself for falling into a false sense of security for a man who risked so much for them, but must have, in his mind, been luring him deeper and deeper into a trap. imagine all of that grief about scully being abducted and then getting sick and the loss of his father being placed at skinner's feet. mulder, who never for a second doubted that skinner was innocent in his earlier brush with the law. imagine how incredibly painful that "realization" would have been. and then how he wanted so badly to believe him, but after so many betrayals, it would take more than just a scratched desk for him to do so. but he does. god.

there is an addictive substance placed between the relationships of skinner to mulder and scully. something almost familiar. something almost entirely unspoken except for in a foundational and silent trust.

this episode was really, really good. probably my favorite of the season! i was trying to figure out what exactly was going on and why. it really raised the stakes for skinner, mulder, AND scully in a bunch of different directions: skinner being in CSM's pocket, covarrubias being in CSM's pocket, mulder believing her as she feeds him lies, scully's illness getting worse... whew!

more than anything i love to see the trust between characters tested and pulled, and their bonds put to the limits. so i am very pleased. i will likely be thinking of mulder's animalistic rage as he held the gun to skinner's face for a long, long time. and how skinner quietly admitted to doing what he told mulder not to. by jove. an excellent piece of television.

[thedarkmongoose]

SPOILERS: i have mixed feelings about the bear s3 but knowing that s3 & s4 were written/filmed at the same time makes sense. s4 will prob answer s3's q's. (A LOT was left open-ended) usually i love that, but it felt like the show lost itself in certain places, esp the self-indulgent finale. all stories are indulgent to some degree, but too much decadence rarely leaves room for substance.

and i get why they tried to do the chef's table thing, but other than andrea, syd, and luca, everyone else's acting was disjointed and trite. but i loved ep 1; it was an ethereal, artsy, meditative piece (peace) that was necessary after the chaotic s2 finale. however, as a big fan of the show, it was hard for me to finish the eps.

the standout in s3 FOR SURE was tina's ep - directed by ayo. glad we got her backstory. personally i liked her anxiety-inducing job hunt bc it's really like that irl, esp for older woc. the sobbing while eating a free sandwich was relatable, and the mikey convo was super impactful. but as much as i loved the ep, it still felt superficial compared to s2 'forks' (richie) or 'honeydew' (marcus). we never see her son again either; all we get is tina yelling at him to quiet down.

then there was marcus's mother's funeral which seemed like it was going to be more central to the plot than it was. i wish we got more. and claire is still one of the most underwritten characters EVER. nothing about her or the mis en scène really sells it that she's a doctor lol. and the scene with the faks trying to apologize on carmy's behalf was beyond cringe. i like matty matheson - i have his cookbook, but there was entirely too many faks in s3.

and let's be real: where was ebra & sweeps? ebra has such an interesting story that i'm HOPING we get to see in s4. sweeps too - he tried out for the chicago cubs! but on a positive note, i loved the chemistry between syd/luca. it was v sweet and organic. wonder if they'll be a thing in s4 since luca is carmy's foil. too bad marcus was barely in s3, tho the hug between him & luca at the party was cute. syd's meltdown mirroring carmy's in s2 was also a nice touch.

idk how to feel about sugar's labor scene. most praise it, but it didn't hit the same for me. donna's over-acting (the whole series) is really distracting and i can't take her seriously. ik she's supposed to be mentally unwell, but it borders on cartoonish. the hospital moment was heartwarming, but again, artificially. and pete was so underwritten too, just so they could have that mom moment. i liked the scene with him and syd tho. it felt authentically awkward.

i also understand what they were trying to do with the finale, but it was a flop for me. the scene with andrea/carmy staring out into the chicago night was introspective and beautiful, but the msg doesn't hit all the way bc we have a group of wealthy celeb chefs saying it's okay to stop while you're ahead and enjoy life while you can. every second counts. unfortunately for those who are not celeb chefs, it's not that easy to simply "enjoy life."

on one hand, i agree that food is life and restaurants have been community "third places" forever (essential to life itself; historically, like when revolutionaries would gather at pubs or cafes). however, do i think that fine dining and the "art" that comes with it is necessary? no. if there were more spots like the original beef/bear in the world tho, that would be a good thing.

[catsconflictscopicsandchamomile]

The Boys s4 ep4 reaction

huh

what?

fuck.

FUCK yeah Hughie fight like a Campbell! by which I mean doing a lot of damage with a very small knife, fighting while actively being choked out, using a shield WRONG, having Problems(tm) with inconveniently placed pieces of iron, making faustian bargains at the direct expense of your family members because you'd rather they be monsters than dead, and getting less likeable every minute

~~Just Campbell Things~~

(but seriously go get your ankle checked out worstie <3)

Collin is fascinating to me folklorically, but he shouldve killed Frenchie. cmon man you know yours wasn't the only family he killed. (idgaf abt "the plot", he shouldve. why is Frenchie even in the show fr like WHY ARE YOU HERE.)

I will say the pacing was GREATLY improved. religious themes out the wazoo this ep. love(derogatory) whatever Butcher has going on, batmanass. Sage is hot (WHAT GODDESS IS SHE. THATS NOT A FIGURE OF SPEECH) and relatable enough that I'm sure they actually consulted neurodivergent ppl for writing her

a lot of these shows lately are dealing with fatherhood & mortality from the father's point of view. its a fine story to tell but I am 25. I wish more shows like Gen V existed- most good shows rn seem to focus on either high schoolers or older men.

SERIOUSLY you could write ESSAYS on the religious imagery in this ep. its giving Raphaelite, and... well

yall know what else its giving

I really don't understand who decided that "vaguely descending minor keys played badly on either an overtuned banjo or an undertuned sitar" was going to be the musical shorthand for "evil crazy and inhuman" but it is and tbh it takes me out of the scene. here's the worst thing you've ever seen in fiction, used to convey a brain-bending point about the human condition. and also here's someone vaguely pawing at an the world's highest-tension banjo. like ???

that being SAID, the pacing is beginning to really slow down to a normal speed/normal rate of co-existing plotlines. im very happy with that and hope it keeps up for the rest of the season. it almost feels victorian-dime-novel-esque, like the good ones, Dickensian yknow? a ton of seemingly random people/places/interactions that you have to watch for a bit before they all weave together into one narrative. I REALLY hope thats what they're doing here.

HWAT is the deal with coffee as a metaphor for deception/illusion/betrayal & secrets/"all is not what it appears"? did the execs of every Amazon show get some memo that we all missed? is this part of a pre existing trope or tradition and i just dont know it?

[beevean]

i really liked lenore at first in castlevania when i watched it until i finished S4 with my boyfriend and he told me (not word for word) "i think you only like lenore because you've made up your own view of her in your head and she's not actually as well written as you think she is". he was right. i was fucking imagining she was an actually good character.

now that it's been a day since we finished the show, i looked through the castlevania tags and found your posts on hector and lenore and uh... yeah, i can see why he said that now. should we even watch nocturne? he told me "maybe it'll be better than the first one" but i'm on the fence here, i feel like i might get my hopes up too much about it...

Bro, your timing wouldn't be more right. I just finished writing a scene I had stuck in my head for ages, where I did exactly what many do without realizing and basically wrote the Lenore in my head which makes much more sense as a character than what we had on screen 😂

(also I'm very flattered that my posts managed to have an impact! I tend to screech in the void so I don't expect anyone except my mutuals to read them lol)

She is such a good concept, wasted away by the worst writer who could have written her. She has many intriguing elements to her name! Her design that speak of her personality, how hard she tries to look soft and harmless - I really like the detail of her cutting her own claws and putting on make up to simulate blushing cheeks. The implicit resentment of her own vampirism, implied by things like her random comment about eating food (which she equates to "living well") and her alleged insistence on using diplomacy in a culture that thrives on violence: missing her own humanity and trying to recreating it would be the only valid interpretation of the "princess in mourning" theme supposedly going on (have you noticed how she introduces herself to Hector with a black veil that she lifts, as if unmasking herself? And then she never wears black veils again? That's most surely a vestige of this idea that never came to fruition). The, at times, clever abuse that feels realistic in the way she dodges responsibility and makes others feel responsible. The giant savior complex, of someone who is power hungry and revels in feeling superior over others but expresses it by "taking care" of "inferior" creatures - like a twisted Rosaly, if you are familiar with the game lore.

Lenore is a vampire who doesn't want to be a vampire, who clearly thinks herself better than her own kind, but can't rise above her own nature. She is amoral, selfish (this post is my best one to date <3), only concerned with her own comfort, hedonistic, cruel, hypocritical (another banger post of mine), a professional liar, but she has principles. When she promised that she would keep Hector safe, she meant it - in the worst possible way, by ignoring his human dignity, but she really seems to think, like Carmilla, that love is keeping something with you for as long as you can. Her apparent fascination with humanity contrasts with Hector, who is alienated from his own humanity and seems fascinated with vampirekind and all things grotesque and unnatural. On top of this, you have the conflict between her and the rest of the council, who seem to think of her as a stupid little girl who can't do anything worthwile, which makes her snap if underestimated: this is, surprisingly enough, relatable, in a pathetic sort of way. It's fascinating! Look at all these good ingredients for a complex antagonist and foil for Hector!

But in practice, she is simply awful, an not just because she's an abusive rapist played for titillation. In S3, she is cartoonishly evil, basically Carmilla 2.0 + BDSM patch (and not even the hot vampire kind, girl doesn't do so much as bite her pet), the most stereotypical smug, obnoxious, condescending manipulator a porn writer could write - and in order to make her look smart, Hector had to be lobotomized to a truly embarrassing degree, and his potential character arc was pissed away. Moral conflict over agreeing to culling his own kind? never heard of her. let's make him sound like a child who just needs a mommy. (also, it really doesn't speak well of Lenore's skills if she felt that she had to resort to using her pussy to win over the stupidest man on earth. Sexism, much?) In S4, she's downright pathetic, doing nothing but whining about how boohoo her besties are sidelining her :( and boohoo Carmilla's evil plan is soooooo inconvenient for her :( while the man she raped into slavery pats her little head and concedes that it's not rape if he enjoyed it, and the story tries so hard to make you forget about how disgustingly cruel Lenore was to him less than two months prior - so hard that even the writing itself degrades in front of your eyes. If you have found my old posts, you must have found the ones where I talked about how Lenore's ring is completely pointless, because if it worked, all the "cute" scenes between them would have a sour aftertaste, and we can't have that.

In short, the show promotes the idea that a gilded cage is a good thing, and if a cute woman traps you there, then it's nothing to complain about. Even if it's through sniper-accurate emotional abuse and sexual deceit. It's not like it's rape if you gave your consent under false pretenses :) you were stupid for falling for it anyway :) Lenore was right in saying that what Hector always needed was being made a "pet" and kept safe, because that's how you show love! By trapping people at your side, for their own good!

It makes me puke. Lenore should have stayed a villain. Giving her a backstory, showing her more vulnerable side and her fears, would have worked well, if only she and Hector were treated like characters, and not fucking ship fuel for fans who masturbated to her and wished they were him! That's the thing that pisses me off: Hector is not respected as a character and a victim of abuse, and Lenore is not taken seriously as a female abuser because she's too "cute"! There's no room for that contrast between a vampire drawn to humanity and a human drawn to vampirekind, when Hector is not afforded a shred of internal world (or dignity in general) and Lenore's angst is reduced to "besties don't like me" to not dwell into her monstrosity!

By contrast, Isaac from the games has an extremely compelling backstory that makes you sympathize all too well with his despair and anger: he's a victim of circumstances outside of his control. But the story doesn't get all 🥺 when he kills Hector's wife and dangles her head in front of him while taunting him. Cool motive, still murder and all that, being a hot tragic twink doesn't make him suddenly redeemable. His sister feels pity for him, and eventually Hector, but that's the most he gets, not redemption. The story allows me to decide how much I want to sympathize with the villain. The show instead always forces you to feel sorry for its murderers and rapists... except the Japanese not-twins, who are not considered real characters. Or Carmilla, who is too much of a Hysterical Woman and therefore needs to be put down and replaced by the Logical Man. Have I mentioned how sexist this show is? Usually the sexism is reserved for the non-masculine men, but Carmilla and even Lenore are victims of a more traditional misogyny, with the former being reduced to an irrational crazy woman and the latter being reduced to her cuteness.

Yes, Lenore is badly written! She's fetish fuel in S3 and then woobiefied for the fans in S4! She's Wildly Inconsistent™, incoherent, and wishy-washy! But if you pay attention to the dialogue and not just the "hot" scenes, then you notice all those details being left afloat in a sea of wasted potential. I'm still not over her mentioning that she eats human food, and that going absolutely nowhere. So it's easy for your brain, who can surely write better than Ellis can, to dream up a version of her that actually makes sense, and then getting confused and thinking it was what you watched all along.

No, trust me. Everytime I start to think "mhh, maybe her fans (the non-horny ones) may be seeing something that I missed, they might have a point", I only need to rewatch her scenes, and be reminded of the fact that no. she sucks. her voice sucks. her expressions suck. she is a caricature. i need to rescue her from the shitty writer and turn her into a proper semi-tragic villain. and turn hector into something closer to his game counterpart while i'm at it. And I'm sure fanfic writers have been doing this for years, and kudos to them, but that's their effort, not the actual writing's.

As proof, just see how many people missed that, in theory, she killed herself out of fear that she'd go insane and mad with power as Carmilla did, again fitting the idea that she hates being a vampire, and has come to see her as a metaphorical cage. Her fans assume she felt guilty for how she treated Hector (she did not, "I'm sorry things happened" is not an apology, especially if you were one of those things), and most instead think, because of her shitty voice direction and complete lack of characterization that isn't "woe is me", that she killed herself because she couldn't deal with being Isaac's prisoner for a few decades, making her look like a massive petty hypocrite. That is bad writing. Your character was not conveyed properly. Because Lenore never once expressed the view of feeling stuck in a cage, because she was too busy molesting Hector and crying over how useless her bestie made her feel.

Anyway, as for Nocturne. It really depends on what you liked about the OG show. Nocturne is bland, so far. It has nothing to do with Castlevania, both the games and the show: if you liked Alucard, that's pretty much the only connection with the OG show it has. You can tell the writer wanted to recreate so badly what made the OG show show appealing, but lacked fundamental elements like an interesting villain. It also deals with historical and political themes with all the finesse of a war hammer on your balls. However, it does not viscerally insult me like the OG show, it at least attempts to be slightly more hopeful and less cynically edgy, and some storylines even have me politely interested - Olrox and Mizrak have a more compelling "problematic" human/vampire relationship than Hector and Lenore, with Olrox being a more genuinely morally grey vampire. If you want to try, S1 is generally considered a huge bore, while S2 has been much better received with more action scenes and all - personally, though, I only felt it way too confusing and rushed, like a S4 of the OG show on steroids.

Most fans of the show seem to agree that the OG was better. Make of that what you will.

[raayllum]

too many bangers to just do one little blurb, so here's a few of my favorite excerpts from the chapter that absolutely destroyed me

"...the dam bursting of every time she’d been frightened or hungry by herself, every time she’d wondered if she’d ever make it back to Katolis or see anyone she loved again, and the persistent pulsing push in her mind, constantly telling her that she didn’t deserve to." 

"'You are not a burden,” he continued. 'And even if you are, I want to carry you. You don’t have to be good enough, Rayla. There is no invisible standard you have to meet. You don’t have to be perfect to be perfect. You are not responsible for other people’s choices, and you don’t have to pay the prices for their mistakes. You don’t have to pay the price for your choices and mistakes.'"

"'You are a person and you deserve to be here without having to constantly be hurting yourself to earn it. You don't have to justify your existence by punishing yourself for it. You deserve to just be. To live and exist and be loved. Unconditionally.'"

chapter 7 man.... lives were changed. as someone who has the absolutely hardest time describing feelings--especially something as complex and messy as depression and suicidal thoughts feel--you just absolutely blew me away. and THEN to just put therapists across the globe to shame with the literal most perfect affirmations of all time? when i said this chapter destroyed me i forgot to mention that it also healed me. this is classic literature. this fic should be required reading in schools. shakespeare and my therapist are rolling in their respective graves

I have a lot of Rayla feelings in Ch7: at the end of the tunnel in particular tbh so I'll break them down here in regards to what went into the passages above.

To begin with, I'm so glad this part of the fic resonated with you. This isn't the last time we'll be addressing Rayla's mental health but it is one of the more prominent, as idk how anyone can watch s1-s4 + TTM and not take away that... she's not Doing Well, to say the least. I was definitely thinking about quotes from the show's writers with "Rayla can sometimes default to 'hurting myself is clearly a good, because I'm taking it away from someone else'" to heart.

I've written this discussion and affirmation scene in other fics, and explored Rayla's mental health before (probably most notably "say the winds won't change on us," "i care if i am guilty," and "i hope you die (i hope we both die)") but given that fanon s6 is such a big ambitious project I wanted to make sure I was getting it right in particular, here. While I've never experienced Rayla's forms of self loathing myself / to the same severity, I have quite a few people in my life that I deeply cherish who have, or in ongoing struggles with it, and I've been Callum here more than a few times.

I think a lot about how Rayla rarely allows to let two things matter if one of those things is herself ("Don't worry about my hand now; the egg is all that matters") when the boys are perfectly capable at holding space for multiple concerns, including themselves, in most instances. Rayla leaving in TTM is just the most extreme version of that, and I think the way Rayla will exceptionalize herself in a negative way—everyone else deserves good nice things / second chances / happiness except her, for Some Reason ("Your plan was fine! [...] You should cut yourself a break. Everyone messes up sometimes, or in my case, all the times [...] That shouldn't have mattered; I had a job to do")—is like... relatable for a Lot of people even when they don't also have symptoms of PTSD/depression/passive suicidal ideation.

Like Rayla was not safe or happy when she was away, and it would not surprise me at all if, while I don't think canon will necessarily touch on any of this as intensely as I have, I do think we'll get something of her having a hard time of her talking about how she suffered in favour of wanting to talk about how she made Callum suffer, for obvious reasons. Which is exactly why she left in the first place (s4 my beloved)

With all that out of the way I wanted to set up her breakdown accordingly:

You have the chapter title which is a reference to the literal tunnel they exit, and an Orpheus and Eurydice reference, while also very much being about Rayla finding the light at the end of her tunnel regarding her mental health

"I was a coward. I was weak." ("My parents aren't really dead, but I wish they were! They're cowards" / "It was the same problem every time. Hesitation, sympathy, distraction… all just weakness in a different mask.")

And then we see Callum shift to the heart of it, which is that her letter and mission was basically suicide and she knew it, and still won't really acknowledge it out loud or why it was Okay for her to do that but not for Callum to come with her, because she feels Inherently Unworthy and that there's something fundamentally broken with her, which has been pretty clear in canon for a while tbh.

With that in mind, I wanted to take Callum's viewpoint and affirmation a step further. I always say that the first step in therapy is learning to assume that no one is mad or annoyed with you at all times. The second step is learning that it's Okay even if someone is mad or upset with you. I think Rayla fears being a burden or more trouble than she's worth so much, and I think Callum at this point (in fic / canon, 5x01 you beautiful episode) has progressed to the point of like...

Rayla's not going to believe that she's not a burden, and sometimes people are burdens, shit happens, life is hard. What's most affirming for her to hear is that he wants her and loves her even if/when she IS a burden. It cuts right through all the bullshit and fear to the "you think you're terrible and awful and unworthy" and go "so what if you are? I still want you" and there's just not a lot of places for self loathing to go after that point. Like it's still there, but it can't grow to be as intensive, I find.

It's also written in mind from Callum's perspective because I've said this before, but Rayla is not an Easy person to love. Like feeling love for her is easy — she's warm and funny and kind — but she's not easy to love in terms of getting her to accept and rely on love. She's incredibly secretive and has a lot of hyper-independence as a result of her trauma and survivor's guilt, and Callum — especially post-s4 / 4x09 — has fully accepted all of this. Even if Rayla doesn't change, he's there. He knows this is not going to be an easy climb for either of them, but it's worth it to him, because it's her.

At the same time, Callum in canon has always been good at not making Rayla dependent on him ("You're too good to feel this bad about yourself. I know that, and you should know that" / "But it's your choice. No one else's" / "No, I meant what I said. You don't have to justify or explain anything to me") and emphasizing that she can and should want to get better and treat herself better for herself. So I really wanted to capture that vibe here. Rayla feels unworthy of his love, to an extent, yes, but it's also far more about her life and how routinely she puts what she wants on the back-burner... like, Rayla is a character who's always gone looking for redemption, and often times rightfully so! But I am very excited for her to realize there's nothing she has to Redeem herself for, there's nothing she has to earn or pay a price or suffer for in order to get to be Happy on the other end or put herself first for once. She deserves to just get to exist and live and be happy about that, y'know?

And I think Rayla also fundamentally wants those things, as she states at the beginning of the chapter, “I want to see the sun again first" before she'll let Callum heal her. Because you can only save someone who wants to be saved, and you can only save them so far if they want to save themselves, too, and that starts with you, that you have to want it. You have to want to live and love yourself.

Cause everyone deserves to. They really, really do.

And I just have a lot of feelings about fics / things / anything where Rayla goes "I don't want to be broken. Maybe I never was. And I want to live" because like. Yeah

[ronanceautistic]

hey i just wanted to ask if you have any specific nancy angst headcannons

Oh my. How long do you have?

I’ve been thinking a lot about OCD Nancy lately, which I sometimes forget isn’t canon because it fits so well with her personality, it just makes sense she’d have it to me. I think it would especially worse post-s4 where they’re in this kind of limbo where Vecna is alive, but not really doing anything, and everyone is just waiting for the next attack. She’d always be checking her guns, making sure they’re working and loaded and ready for an emergency. Plus, the fact that Vecna showed her a vision of her family dying, it would be in her head constantly, and she’d want to keep track of where they are. She would absolutely panic if, like, Karen went shopping without telling her or she couldn’t get hold of Mike on the walkie.

Less related to OCD, but oh man she has survivors guilt. Canonically, with Barb, but she would with Fred and Max and even Eddie, too. Fred’s trauma was so similar to hers that she would be thinking ‘he would be here if Vecna took me instead’ or wondering what would’ve happened if she hadn’t left him alone. The logical part of her brain knows she wouldn’t have known about the music and there was nothing that could’ve been done, but the emotional part is right back to leaving Barb at that party and just thinking about how it happened again.

When it comes to Max, she is definitely trying to take full responsibility for what happened. Wishing she hadn’t let Max bait Vecna, wishing she’d got to Vecna quicker or shot him better. She spends her nights laying awake and going through that night over and over again, planning out a scenario where everything went perfectly. I don’t even think she can visit Max for a while, she thinks that Max wouldn’t want her there. Once she is forced to see her she would completely break down with guilt.

On a slightly non-Vecna related note, I honestly think she would really struggle at college, more than she thinks she would. I think she’s built it up in her head as complete freedom, and escape, and getting to pursue her career. But she hasn’t thought about the logistics of being completely independent, looking after herself, feeding herself, doing harder homework, and the fact that college Freshmen don’t become journalists overnight. After being a senior at high school, editor-in-chief of the newspaper, to bottom of the food chain, it would be a weird power struggle similar to working at the Weekly Streak. On top of that Karen has been cooking and cleaning for her kids for Nancy’s entire life, and I think with Nancy always prioritising academics she would forget to eat some days, and cleaning would not even cross her mind. There is definitely a danger of burnout with Nancy, especially when there’s no real end goal in sight.

This is so long but I hope you liked them.

[gummy-sharks666]

Sweetie, I have a new meal that I wish you to cook 😋😋😋 for the random hcs of bakugan characters.

Shun, Dan, Marucho and Billy.

Have fun!! ❤️🤩❣️

SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG 🫣

Shun:

Gender: v gender-fluid/demi boy

Sexuality: I’m thinking his sexuality is also p fluid but he’s probably attracted to more fem ppl

A ship I have: haven’t seen s4 but I’ve been converted to the shunsellon agenda. They can be emo together <3 might be strange but I like shun/ace 🫣

BROTP: Dan definitely. They’ve had ups and downs together, childhood friends. A lot of ppl ship them but idk I just see them more as rlly good friends personally. Also fabia and Alice

NOTP: uhh probably Shun/Fabia. I think they’re just friends

Random hc: his favorite MCR album is Black Parade but hes too afraid to admit it bc then he’d either be called basic or he’d have to explain the reason is because of losing his mom and how the hard he relates to the lyrics

General opinion: I like him and HOO boy I shave a history with him for sure. He was def one of my faves as a child and definitely contributed to my gender crisis. Also began my love for Ventus and Ventus users. I don’t think I ever crushed on him but I wanted to be him so bad…

Dan:

Gender: someone has to be the cis male of the group, it’s him

Sexuality: bi but definitely has not explored his attraction to masc presenting ppl as much. It takes him awhile to figure out he’s bi

A ship I have: THERAPY LMAO 💀 but fr I’d say either Spectra or Anubias, although I think those relationships would be more one sided (Dan not really noticing they’re crushing on him so damn hard). I think that’s why I like it so much too bc I’ve had MANY crushes like that before and i like angst… something something Pete Wentz lyrics be like

BROTP: Shun for sure, him and Runo strike me as the divorced couple who end up being besties after going separate ways and learning ab themselves more. Also Drago obvs

NOTP: Literally any female character in the show

Random hc: adhd for SURE

General opinion: I’d say season 1 Dan will forever be my fave. He’s a little shithead kid who gets the bomb dropped on him and he has to start reevaluating how he looks at the other people around him, but that starts to falter in the later seasons where he just becomes the stereotypical hero who gets all the buffs and does no wrong, which does his character such a disservice. I honestly like that he was such a dick in the beginning bc that’s how most kids are, but the point is they learn through meeting other people and experiencing shit. We were robbed of that for Dan after season 1 IMO. But overall he’s fine ig.

Marucho:

Gender: reads as a boy to me personally, now that I think ab it him being a trans guy is so real. Short trans kings unite 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

Sexuality: his sexuality is fluid. He just likes who he likes, but I think he definitely tends to fall more for personality than looks

A ship I have: MARUREN OBVIOUSLY!! Literally one of the best things ab season 3

BROTP: Julie and Runo definitely

NOTP: uhhhhh idk honestly I haven’t seen him be shipped with too many ppl for me to be like “oh hell naw” 😭😭

Random hc: he def has a bakugan discord and probably a separate one for him and all the original brawlers from when the game first started. Him and Julie coordinate all the reunions and meetups

General opinion: I love this dude fr. He’s fucking LOADED but he’s still the sweetest kid in the universe. He’s not just hella book smart but he’s extremely emotionally intelligent too. I also relate to him with that whole gifted kid past a bit,,, hes honestly just all around a fantastic character I’m a big fan of Marucho. Def one of the best characters in the series

Billy:

Gender: yknow what,, I’m gonna say it. Billy gives me transmasc vibes

Sexuality: straight

A ship I have: Canon, but Julie. I think they’re whole backstory connection, the falling out and reconnection was really cute. I hope they have a good rest of their lives together 🫡

BROTP: Jake. I think they’d be homies. Jake is the third wheel on his and Julie’s dates

NOTP: uhhh idk honestly,,, maybe klaus 💀

Random hc: huge fan of early 2000’s pop alongside Julie

General opinion: I think he’s cool. He’s not one they expand on a whole lot but him and Julie are one of the very few straight ships I rlly like