#relationships which are doomed only because of how deep the love runs.

[fictionalreads]

Could you pls do an Armando X reader angst where he shoots her instead of Mike🙈 Idk what their relationship is so you decide lol LOVE LOVE LOVE UR WORK!! I hope I make sense😭💗

AWE THANK YOU! This made perfect sense to me, and I just hope you like it.🥰 Title is from Goodbye by Victoria Monet. Don't forget to comment, like and reblog. Let me know how you guys like it.

After You, I'll Never Really Use My Heart The Same

Pairing: Armando Aretas x Reader

Fandom: Bad Boys Movies

Warnings⚠️: Angst, canon typical violence, like one or two cuss words

You’d been in love exactly one time.

You found being vulnerable, opening yourself so intimately and trusting them to accept and celebrate you as a person, difficult. Which was crazy because your job as an undercover cop meant you had to allow parts of yourself to show. The only way to truly fool someone is to stick as close to the truth as possible. You were good at it, faking the openness and trust. But maybe it being fake is precisely why you found it so easy. 

It wouldn’t mean anything.

Armando Aretas was different. He saw through the facade you’d adopted while in Mexico, working on a joint task force. He’d made his way past your usual defenses, no one else in your life ever bothering to try to truly know you as deeply as he did. It was like he saw straight through you, through all the hurt, through all the bullshit and pushed you to be the most honest you’d been in a while, even to yourself. 

The first time I love you's had been exchanged, it had been a fight. You didn’t want to admit it and he refused to let you hide and not face how you felt. You tried to tell him it wasn’t true, but he just told you he was just as afraid as you were and you could be scared together. You knew it was doomed, you were an undercover cop and he was poised to be a big name in the drug world, but you couldn’t stop it any more than you could stop a plane crash. You were meant to love him and he was meant to love you. Even if it had an expiration date.

So when the shot came, you knew exactly who had done it.

You had been waiting almost a year for him to find you and confront you. You knew betrayal was a sore topic for him so your betrayal would run deep. It would anger him and the longer he went without addressing it, the more it would fester. The longer he went without contacting you, the more you looked over your shoulder. You had signed up for this life, knowing that by showing criminals your face you were putting a target on your back, but you usually handled it well. This, like everything else with Armando, was different. You were genuinely afraid.

You had gone out to celebrate Marcus Burnett’s grandson being born. Lately you had been staying in, avoiding crowds out of an abundance of caution but Marcus had been a great mentor to you and you missed going out. After a couple drinks you felt more relaxed, even agreeing to be the endpoint in the ridiculous race Mike and Marcus were doing in an effort to prove they still had it.

One minute you were watching Mike and Marcus get set for the race and the next you were staring into the eyes of the man you loved. He had his visor flipped up, no doubt so you’d know exactly who it was that did the deed. You saw the anger, the betrayal in his eyes. You also saw the hatred that masked the love and hurt in them.

You knew what was coming next, but it didn’t help you prepare for the searing pain you felt. The bullet ripped through your chest, the feeling of fire in its wake. You watched as he watched you fall from the impact before speeding off. For a minute it was like everything had stopped. You couldn’t hear anything, couldn’t see anyone else. It was just you left behind like nothing. You turned your stare to the dark sky, too polluted for stars and wondered if this was the last thing you’d ever see.

Slowly, the world started to creep back into your senses. You felt the hard, cool ground beneath you. You saw the group of cops standing protectively around you, holding guns as if the attack would continue. You smelled Mike’s cologne as he hovered over you, pressing into the wound in an effort to stop the blood. You tasted the metallic blood in your mouth, knowing that was a bad sign. You heard Rita screaming, asking if anyone had eyes on the shooter.

Even in this state, you knew they wouldn’t. Armando was good at what he did, he’d be long gone by now. Oddly, you were okay with that. Despite everything, current situation included, you were glad he managed to get away. Maybe it was because if he was caught he’d tell the people you worked with the truth and you didn’t want to face their judgement. Maybe it was because you still loved him and the thought of him in a cage hurt.

By the time the ambulance got there, you were fading fast. Marcus kept telling you to keep your eyes open and you tried but your eyelids were so heavy. You were okay with dying. You were okay with this being your end, with knowing they’d never find the connection between you and the shooter. If you lived, you would have to come clean, face him again and you weren’t sure you could do that. Death was easier.

Death at the hands of Armando was forgivable.

[504py]

Its me again (i hope you don't mind i am in you ask again 😅)

So uh do you have headcanon for yandere russia and canada with their s/o?

Thx 🌻

holy SHIT i got carried away 😭😭😭 this was supposed to be a short post, but i got too deep into their characterization. and don't worry!! i appreciate your asks! anyways, here we go guys... please heed the warnings!

Yandere Russia and Yandere Canada Relationship Headcanons

Gender neutral, domestic violence, implied NSFW, self-harm, manipulation, forced feminization, dubious consent, stalking, long post ahead!

┊͙✧˖*°࿐

Russia

How the relationship started

Your relationship with Ivan first started with you doing some mundane thing, but he was there at the right place and the right time, and something about you intrigued him. Be it at a restaurant eating a strange food combination, seeing you early in the morning with your hair wet and rushing to get somewhere, or even getting a glimpse of your mismatched socks when you walked past him and didn't even pay him any mind. That was enough to seal your fate as his property. His mind can't seem to stop running with thoughts of you, how are you, why are you, and he needs to scratch that itch.

Ivan sends out a private investigator to stalk you basically, and provide him with your daily schedule. Once Ivan has your schedule, he dismisses the investigator, and takes matters into his own hands by stalking you himself, and trying to insert himself into your daily life.

Then, it was just a matter of getting to know you, courting you with expensive gifts and dates, then fully dooming yourself when you accepted him as your boyfriend.

Expectations

Ivan is very blunt with what he wants. Not very long into your relationship, around a month or so, he asks you to move in with him. Any sort of opposition or protest will be stonewalled by this; "We will be married and living together someday anyways. Why fight it? Don't you love me?"

So, whether you like it or not, you move in with him in his giant, lonely house.

There are no maids and none of the Baltic states to be seen, and this is because Ivan expects you to fulfill the role of a housewife, regardless of your gender. So he'd like for you to do chores yourself and to clean up around the house while he's gone. He doesn't expect perfection from your cleaning, in fact, he finds it a little charming when some areas aren't clean or spotless. His house was huge and you were only so small.

On the topic of fulfilling the role of his housewife, he expects you to do other things that make you fit the role even more, such as giving him affection, cooking for him, and keeping up a good front when guests are around. He wants the two of you to evoke the image of a traditional married couple so badly, and if you fail to meet those requirements...

Punishments

Ivan can be cruel. He doesn't tolerate rebellion very well, and his punishments are always physical.

He is a very touchy man, and if you fail to reciprocate his touch, or actively shy away from it, he'll only get more aggressive. His hugs will feel more suffocating, his grip on your jaw while he kisses you will feel bruising, and you swear, it feels like he's trying to crush your hand while he holds it, despite the sweet smile on his face..

If you continue to refuse him, he'll be much less subtle with his harm. One day, when you try to shove him away from you, his grip on your arm tightens to the point it feels like he might just snap it, and he pulls you close to whisper a threat into your ear; "Will you continue to be like this?"

If you say no and apologize, which would be your best option, he'll let out a strained breath and try to relax his clenched jaw, before letting up his grip on your arm and muttering an apology under his breath himself.

If you say yes... His jaw will tense up, and the look he gives you is bone-chilling. "Alright." He says, and doesn't give you much time to think before he drags you to the front door, and throws you out into the harsh cold, with only the clothes on your back.

You can cry and scream apologies and bang on the door all you want, but he's already walked away and drinking a bit of vodka to soothe his own nerves.

He'll keep you outside till you are on the brink of getting mild hypothermia. He waits there, thinking of how long it'd take for the cold to get to someone of your size and shape. He knows everything about snow, and he knows everything about you.

Right before you start to ebb in and out of consciousness, he opens the door, and drags you back inside, wiping the snow off of you and taking your weak, shivering body in his arms.

You cling to him, wanting to live in his house, his coat, and in his arms forever after experiencing the unforgiving hellscape that is the Russian winter.

Ivan mutters sweet nothings, the alcohol in his breath and the powdery smell of his clothing enveloping all your senses. He says that he wouldn't have to do this if you would've just obeyed him, that this is all your fault, and that he didn't want to do this and that he just loves you too much.

If you had any sense of self-preservation, you'll listen to him from now on, and if not... He wouldn't be above breaking a few bones. But you won't disobey him again, right? It's for your own good.

"I'm sorry, моя любовь.."

Rewards

Ivan is a very affectionate man, but he isn't the best at showing it vocally. He shows it in the lavish gifts and dates he goes on with you— Yes, he takes you out on dates. Only for special events or when he's feeling particularly affectionate, but he does it too because he feels he also has a role to fulfill as a doting, providing husband. He'd feel too bad if he just kept you locked up your whole life as his wife (and, also, he wants to test you.. He wants to see if you'll act up in public, and to see if he can trust you). Ivan feels it adds to the aesthetic of a married couple, too.

Besides that, he is INCREDIBLY physically affectionate. He has no sense of personal space at all, which may or may not be a bad thing to you, but regardless, what you think doesn't really matter, and he'll continue to invade it anyways.

He always calls you over to sit on his lap, he sleeps way too close to you, and he's always looming over your shoulder no matter where and what you're doing. As long as he's home, it's GUARANTEED he will be touching you in some way, shape or form.

Because of such things, Ivan is.. prone to getting intimate with you.

Unlike everything else, he actually sort of values your consent when it comes to the bedroom. Yes, he will make advances and be very touchy-feely, and maybe intimidate you a bit, but at the end of the day, if you keep refusing it, he'll let up, but his mood will noticeably be more tense.

Ivan is especially prone to this because clothing is one of his favorite things to gift you, he enjoys dressing you up in things he finds cute. And I mean literally. Whatever he buys for you, be it dresses, coats, or underwear, Ivan will want to be there to undress you and then dress you up in the things he bought himself. You're like his own cute little doll.

Regardless of your gender, Ivan will buy you feminine clothing and accessories. He may even be inclined to forcing you to grow out your hair.

He likes sniffing you. He rests his nose atop your scalp while hugging you, just to breathe in your scent. It calms him like nothing else in the world, and he feels alive again.

And during not-so-often times like these, he'll speak and voice his affections.

"I love you.. We are going to have a great life together."

࿐°*˖✧┊͙✧˖*°࿐

Canada

How the relationship started

Matthew would be completely enamored by you just.. noticing him on a regular basis. Nodding your head at him whenever you two walked by each other in the hallway, mumbling a hello whenever you two sat next to each other, and the mere act of your eyes meeting his. Fully looking at him, and not just straight through him. It always left him red and unable to calm his heart for the rest of the day, so it was only natural he'd fall head over heels for you.

His crush on you kept festering day by day, with him being too shy to continue the little interactions you have, and having such little experience with socializing that he wouldn't even know how to continue furthering this "relationship."

Matthew is rather delusional. He spends his days fantasizing about talking to you, hanging out with you, being with you romantically, and, more often than he'd like to admit, rather impure things... all while you're seated next to him, or while you're across from him, a heady stare through his foggy glasses.

Eventually, Matthew starts to believe that you two were already in a romantic relationship, despite being acquaintances at best, and he starts to get really insecure. What if you forget about him someday? What if you stop noticing him, and you just disappear from his life? He believes that other people you notice, any other person you notice, will jeopardize that oh so special relationship you and Matthew clearly have.

So, Matthew bites the bullet, and asks you out for lunch one day. You smiled and blushed at him so brightly as you accepted, and at that moment, he knew he'd dedicate everything he had in his life to worshipping you.

Expectations

Matthew still puts in an effort to appear like a normal boyfriend, unlike Ivan, so your relationship with him would progress much more naturally.

That doesn't mean he hasn't been doing anything weird, though.

Matthew's already been envisioning what it'd be like to have a family and grow old with you the first moment he heard your voice. All you said was, "Good morning." So what more now that you two are in a real, established, romantic relationship?

He fantasizes constantly about clinging to you like a lifeline and crying about how much he loves you, and to hear you feel the same way he does. He wants to pin you beneath him, letting him do all the work, and showing you just how much he loves you, while whispering praises and prayers to you with a crazed, devoted look in his violet eyes.

You two have only been together for three weeks.

...If it wasn't apparent, all he wants is for you to always, always be by his side.

He doesn't care much for appearances or services like Ivan does. If anything, Matthew wants to be the one to do nice things for you, though he would like it too if you did nice stuff for him once in a while. Though, just kissing him on the cheek is enough to keep him overjoyed for like a week straight.

He spends a lot of time doting on you and trying to prolong the time you guys have together for as much as he can. Honestly, for the most part, Matthew would play the role of a normal boyfriend rather well, and your relationship wouldn't be really turbulent, except for, well...

Punishments

Matthew hates it when you have to go. Usually, he very reluctantly drives you back home after a bit of a fight, but he's just so pitiful you could never find it in yourself to be mad at him. I think he'd be the type to cry whenever you two had any sort of disagreement.

When he's lucky, he can get you to stay the night, which absolutely sends him on cloud nine, but it's not often enough for his liking...

Things would boil over, though, when you had to leave earlier than usual because you had to go to do something, like hang out with a friend, visit your mother, anything of the sort, and Matthew gets really upset.

He starts this whole thing of begging you to stay, that "Aren't I more important than them? Please don't leave." and he's tearing up, his shaky fingers holding onto your sleeve.

"Matthew, please, just for tonight."

"I-I don't want you to go, though."

Then he's crying. Harder than he usually does, and he's looking at you like a kicked puppy.

How could you still go after seeing him like that?

Matthew then learns that he can win you over with his tears. If he just cries for you, you'll stay, won't you?

He'd never lay his hands on you, but he'd constantly guilt-trip you and manipulate you for things to go in his favor.

Violence is something he'd see as a last resort, but it's still something he'd use against everyone else and himself, but never you. He hates to hurt others, but if they get in the way of him and you, he'll do it. I feel like people forget that, while nowhere as strong as Alfred is, Matthew is still a pretty strong guy. He wouldn't ever kill anyone, but he'd severely hurt them, and he'd be hiding his face the whole time.

And yes, he'd hurt himself for you. Those crocodile tears are bound to stop working on you someday, and when that time comes, he'll harm himself and say that he'll just keep hurting himself if you aren't with him.

Then you'll just have to run back to him, tend to his wounds, and reassure him that you still love him and that you'll stay.

...But if you keep trying to run, he'll have to just lock you up so you won't look at anyone else ever again.

Rewards

Matthew is affectionate in every sense, though he tends to show it through the way he wants to do anything and everything with you.

He's always holding onto your hands, massaging little circles into it, getting your favorite snacks when he does his groceries, drying your hair after showers, arranging dates and cooking and cleaning for you as much as he can. He's naturally very doting.

He does his best for you, he really does.

Besides acts of service, Matthew just likes to spend time with you. Lazing around with you on the couch, playing with your hair, and gazing right into your eyes like you were heaven-sent. He always has the most lovestruck expression on his face whenever he's with you.

"...You're the only one for me, you know that?" He mumbles, almost as if he doesn't know he's even talking.

And he says this next line with such devotion dripping from his voice that it makes your blood run a little cold.

"...I love you so much. Never leave me.."

┊͙✧˖*°࿐

(....guys was that decent. anyways! all art used is mine so if you're reading this, go give the original posts some love on my blog!)

[lahulotteshitpost]

***Sorry this started out as a rant***

The idea that you only reciprocate someone's love if you can be open about your feelings or date them is honestly insulting.

I find it especially mature from the Doctor to admit she can't date Yaz, knowing it will break her heart.

In LOTSD, you can clearly see the pain on their faces (both of them), but it's the kindest thing the Doctor could have done. Their relationship would have been unhealthy. We know this because we've seen the Doctor losing herself and being a terrible friend to Yaz.

And the Doctor knows that, she knows her mental state won't allow her to actually be in a relationship. She knows the relationship would be toxic, she knows she's been a terrible friend, she even admitted it in Flux but admitting it didn't fix her.

I've lived longer, seen more, loved more, and lost more.

- It Takes You Away

Yaz, I'm sorry. I didn't let you in to what I was doing... what I was looking for. I shouldn't have shut you out.

- The Vanquishers

But the point is, if it was going to be anyone, it'd be you. But I can't. Because at some point time always runs out.

- Legend of the Sea Devils

Not because I don't want to, because I might. But if I do fix myself to somebody I know, sooner or later, it'll hurt.

- Legend of the Sea Devils

The Doctor is very clear:

- she's not been a good friend,

- she loves Yaz,

- she wishes she could date her.

Being in love, even when it's reciprocal, doesn't always end in a relationship. Sometimes, even "trying" is impossible.

They can't be together, because the Doctor can't bring herself to do that. She's been desperately trying to avoid feelings and attachments since she fell into that Sheffield train. Of course, it doesn't work, and of course it's not a healthy coping mechanism, but this is something people go through.

Yaz understands. And I will argue that Yaz got to confess her love to the Doctor in LOTSD, they both expressed their feelings indirectly.

My nani says, courage is knowing something will hurt and doing it anyway. Mind you, she also said it's the definition of stupidity.

- Legend of the Sea Devils

This is Yaz telling the Doctor "I love you, I wish you could get over your fears, but I understand.

(And there is a lot to say about consent, as, clearly, understanding despite the pain is also the healthier reaction. You cannot force someone into a relationship, Yaz has often been mistreated by the Doctor but in this very moment, she is not a victim.)

There's a reason why she adds that bit about "stupidity" and it's not just to make the Doctor laugh.

Their romance is a slow burn with no happy ending. It's incredibly bittersweet, but it's also very real.

Mentally ill people who avoid relationships are often ashamed of it, we don't openly talk about it because it's definitely not "normal". You can be traumatised, depressed, anxious, but you're still in a happy romantic and sexual relationship, obviously.

Except when you can't.

I started shipping Thasmin during Series 12, initially believing it to be unrequited. I never expected it to be more than subtext, in a way it subverted a lot of my expectations.

I'm no different from most shippers, I was hoping for a kiss (every Doctor had one!) although I expected it to be disappointingly non romantic (à la Nine/Rose).

A kiss, the ultimate romantic trope!

Doctor Who didn't give me what I was hoping for.

It gave me something that I desperately needed.

Home.

Representation.

When you are one of those fucked up queer people, afraid of people knowing deep down you can't date, avoiding feelings and relationships because this is how your traumas shaped you, do you really get to see yourself?

Thasmin isn't every queer person, it isn't even every sapphic you will ever meet, but no story is. And their queerness isn't the cause of their doomed love, which I find extremely respectful and far from usual tropes.

I can see myself in them, at different stages of my life. I know some aro/ace spec people see their relationship as very queerplatonic and also felt represented.

Maybe you don't, and that's fine. You don't have to see yourself in them, you don't have to like this story.

Just understand other queer people will.

[spaloonbabooguuscooties]

You could drink your whole life away and still never get that taste out of your mouth.

half commission for @salempie half completely self indulgent dreck pieced together from our insane conversations abt franke and elka. told myself id finally write a big explanation for all of the dum shit between these two for context so Thats Under The Cut.

so I already wrote some stuff about elka and franke's relationship back in whispering rock so feel free to look at that too . it goes over elkas blindness/‘seeing’ with clairvoyance and how her and franke started talking & all that good stuff

SO FOR STARTERS. a lot of thsi wont make sense without a big breakdown of elka herself. because elkas potential as a character is like insane to me. like just the idea of her in the long run of her life reads as something so potentially tragic; a young girl whos plagued with visions of doom and destined to be an outcast even in her own home for things she cant control and clings to the One vision of her wedding that she thinks is 'happy' even despite the fact she doesnt really love the person in it. im choosing to take the li-po doc as canon here because its funny shes the only one with backstory-

but my fucking god even the smallest look into what her parents are like is soo fucked up to me. and i do think elka especially gets a lot of influence from her mother; its funny how easily you can fit mabel doom into a box just from what elka says about her. knees deep in an avon-esque pyramid scheme and leaning into her daughters depressing ass visions & taking her to therapy at age 11 (which would be good if not for the kind of person you can already assume she is & so i doubt the therapist she has really does her any good. i think they share one). she reads as a very I Am My Daughters Best Friend type of mom to me and i can see elka being a centerpiece of the conversation when she has her Amway Girls over for drinks. wine-mom that lets her kid sip from the glass so she can feel like a big girl type deal.

and you can tell that elka is trying to hard to be too mature for her age even in her campster posts. how she writes letters to nils' mom and exchanges baking recipes with her and that feels like she really only interacts with middle aged women and not really many people her own age outside of camp (like her moms friends). which makes sense shed feel the need to ‘grow up’ early when shes probably had to process so many hard things at a young age bc of her visions.

theres a lot of filling the blanks here of course.

elka obsesses over nils to an overbearing degree even despite the fact he treats her like shit ('you promised no talking' and so on) and she treats him bad right back. she leans onto stereotypical heterosexual ideals like taking care of him and overblowing how Manly and Protective JT is and she admires romance stories like pride and prejudice and it feels like she Projects Soooooooo much of what she wants onto boys she barely feels anything for without knowing what its actually supposed to feel like. and clearly she WANTS that ideal future, a happy marriage, an actual romance- but according to nils even when they were dating she ignored him most of the time, which just seems Very Telling

like shes filling a role, overcompensating for emotions and lacktherof she cant digest quite yet, and it only makes more sense when you know shes had visions of their future together. how could that be bad for her? shouldnt it be like the books and movies? but she doesnt really connect the fact that her visions are only for Doomed futures, and if she does she certainly doesnt show it. Doomed relationships. it's been a part of her family for generations and she isn't turning out much different, is she? i dont think she even realizes thats all she ever sees yet, just that its Going to happen. that it's Her future, and it always will be

and like, her only reference for a real marriage so far has been her own parents, and she already Knows they have an affair, and theyre doomed to split, (and i actually like to think they were in rough waters anyway and elka was a child meant to mend a crumbling marriage but thats a whole other thing) and so without a framework for what an actual healthy relationship is supposed to be like she cant really grasp that her relationship with nils Isnt that and isnt ever going to be. she can only cling to this one happy idea of the future, and thats why she keeps chasing him, self fulfilling the actuality of her situation and creating and fostering the unhappy life they will inevitably live together.

and that bleeds into everything else in her life, of course, because as the years go on, as the visions grow in number it just makes sense for her to fall into the predictability of her life. she always knows whats going to happen, her visions are Never wrong- so why try to change things? shes had time to process tragedies days, weeks, months, years before they happen, shes had time to settle into every crack of her life. her parents divorce, her various break ups, her future with the psychonauts.

“and she's already seen so much of a future with [nils] she feels trapped almost. Like she has to be happy in it or else it just means her life is miserable. And it's a mixture of pride and fear of the unknown that keeps her clinging to the One thing she knows. BUT LIKE!!! She knows what's gonna happen! It's easier to grieve when she's been grieving for years... She wants so badly to be happy, But to do that she has to step into the unfamiliar. And that's more terrifying than staying the same miserable person she's always been.”

and thats where franke comes in— and yeah you Do have to take a lot of liberties for frankes character since it’s basically, like, all the info for her is just that shes a Supreme Baby Dyke but thats enough for me. i think she has protective butch itch in her . on campster shes defensive over other women evidenced in the way she keeps watch over the girls cabins for lili when elton is pursuing her . but shes also eager to please and constantly trying to make kitty laugh and also Very naive. but she tries! and i think it only solidifies more as she gets Older and really gets a hold of her feelings & her powers. this is incredibly franke to me

and i think as they grow older together— because i think franke and elka Do stay friends, both because elka is just pathetic and needs that positive connection even if she doesnt realize it and because i think franke is a very Loyal person & annoyingly persistent if you let her be . and i am also a kitty/franke truther. because kittys also important in this web we weave

because i think franke and kitty stay together after camp, to a point— theres a falling out facilitated on kittys end and they break up, but reconnect, and franke kind of... saves kitty from herself a little, from her strict military father whos love only extends thru finances , from her own stifling future , she drives all the way to bakersville in her shitty van handmedowned from her dad and they move in together eventually . they get jobs at the motherlobe , because it’s a pipeline to a decent job, because it’s whats easy, because franke doesn’t really have a future, because she’s never really been good at much, because shes never had much sense, because franke doesnt really care as long as she can live and help, sometimes, if she can, and because kitty’s there, and because elka’s there, and shes so used to being elkas eyes now and shes good at it. shes good at being the muscle of the missions when her colleagues lack it, when hypnosis and predictions arent enough. she likes it that way.

and elka appreciates frankes company. she listens, shes sweet, she does little things for her that no ones ever really put the effort for before; she likes her. franke is strong and bold and makes her laugh and shes always there but god elka cant let go of that future, of that box shes put herself in, that her mothers put her in, of being a Good Wife to a Loving Husband, of getting married normally and falling into unfailing familiarity. thats all shes ever wanted and shes not going to jeopardize that . not for franke, who may not be a boy but is handsome like one, whos always held her after every break up with nils and the men that filled empty days inbetween.

and elka is too stubborn to recognize those feelings anyway. too prideful to accept a way out. too set in her cycle no matter how much she hates it, her little self fulfilling tragedy of her own making, wallowing in her own doom. she struggles for control of her own life when she feels like every choice has been made for her anyway, she puts up her walls and carefully constructs what people see. but franke was always harder to trick, because while empathy isnt a particularly useful psychic power it’s certainly an inconvenient one. all franke has to do is get too close and all those carefully crafted walls fall apart, and elkas control is gone, and thats all she really has. and she tries to distance herself, really she does, but franke is also too persistent. and elka wears gloves, keeps contact that would make her walls crumble from happening as best as she can, but she cant really keep herself from the brief moments where she feels like someone actually fucking cares about her.

and that slightest lack of control, the need to wrestle it back is why she proposes to nils the next time theres a falling out— she knows how it happens, she plans every detail. and he accepts, despite everything. gets her a cheap ring and it feels like lead on her finger and its nothing at all like how shed thought it to be when she was a kid, theres no feather light feeling in her chest, only that dreadful reality that she cant turn this back. BUT WHAT CAN U DO LMAO

elka doesnt tell franke about this engagement until later, on their way back from a mission. late at night when neither of them can sleep, and franke invites elka to smoke in her van, because its been so long since theyve been alone like that, because elkas been so strangely absent lately. and because of everything, because frankes always so damn nice, because elka hates the feel of the ring on her finger, because she let herself get high alone with franke fucking athens whos always been so good at pulling her apart— the truth of it all spills out and its messy and emotional and she hates it, she hates the life shes made for herself, but franke makes it easier to bare and now shes here and shes so close and god she wishes she could see her smile again, she wishes she could see franke, thats all she needs right now and she cant but she can touch her and she can hold her and for tonight, she can be known, she can let those walls crumble, she can be something else just for once here with franke . she can kiss her here in this van, touch that happiness for just a moment, and forget the future that waits for her outside of it. franke begs her to forget the wedding, to just let herself be happy— and god, she wants to, but it means turning her back on everything shes known and everything shes saw to be inevitable, and franke has never been in her future, so if it were supposed to work out why hadnt she seen it and she cant, she cant take that risk but she can have this, even if its temporary, she can have it.

and just as soon as she gets a taste of it, its gone. after that night, after the missions over and theyre back at the motherlobe and have to pretend like nothing happened (franke doesnt, of course she tells kitty about it, she tells kitty about everything.) but that brief moment together haunts elka every time she sees franke, sees herself through frankes eyes, sees herself in her wedding dress because god its all franke can think about! of course it is! she knows how much elkas destroying herself she knows how much misery shes wallowing in that kiss in the van felt like an emotional punch to the teeth and she hasnt ever forgotten it and all she can do is sit and watch while elka throws herself into a loveless marriage. she can come to her wedding and see the way the bride and groom kiss with the emotional weight of a wet towel no matter how hard elka tries to hide it under a pretty dress and bouquets of flowers and meticulous planning.

and elka resents nils but she cant really hate him, its not his fault, not really. he feels trapped just like she does and his feelings of misery only cycle back into hers . they fight and gnash and wear away at each other and its a relationship thats crashed and burned a million times before elka even said i do. and its inevitable that she falls into her mothers habits, a sip of wine here and there to loosen up, until it turns to a glass, until it falls into a bottle on nights when whatever work nils does runs late.

but franke’s still there. shes always been there, hasn’t she? always trying to play knight, always trying to save her, dragging her home when shes stumbling over herself because god who else is going to do it but her? who else is left to care? certainly not nils. never nils. because franke knows her. because franke pities her. shes always pitied her. shes always known. and elka hates it, she resents it, but god in the same breath she’s desperate for it, she envies it to her very bones. elka is a mess but after frankes done with her she has someone to go back to that loves her. and god what elka wouldnt do to have that. to take it and keep it for herself because shes never ever got to have that movie romance shes always wanted.

so now comes this.

because elkas particularly miserable and particularly spiteful and she needs to get franke to understand, just for a moment, drink with her and get on her level and she needs her there with her no matter how her pity makes her feel. no matter how much it makes her shake with anger and envy and desperation, but god the way franke looks at her, the way she still tries to salvage what they have, the soft, slurred way she tells her that it’s okay but its not okay, none of this is okay, it never has been and she just wants franke to shut up and see that, and if she cant then she’ll show her, she’ll show her all the raw angry desperation, with too much teeth and hands that claw and grab and she’ll know why everyones always said she’s too much.

and she knows this puts her on nils’ level too. that this makes her a cheater, that shes no better than he is now. no better than her father and his affair. but god, she wants to be selfish. she wants to be in control. just for once. she wants to feel right and she wants to feel happy and she wants to feel loved. thats all shes ever wanted. and franke will let her have that, just for a little while, at the very least.

anyway. sorry. sorry for being crazy . this isnt even getting into the shit after the comic takes place . elkas stupid brainworld thag she has to overcome in order to finally be allowed in the polycule and live happily ever as worlds first lesbian divorceman

sorry for all the shit i make up instead of caring about actual characters with screentime . bye !

[dystopicjumpsuit]

In Which Jesse Gets What He Deserves

A/N: Some very gentle Jesse smut, because he deserves nice things. 

Pairing: ARC Trooper Jesse x Reader (fem; has hair which apparently smells good based on how much time Jesse spends with his face in it)

Rating: M (minors DNI)

Wordcount: 1.5k

Warnings and tags: fluff; domesticity; lots of cuddling; established relationship; SMUT; body worship; maybe a hint of somnophilia; oral sex; fingering; PIV; I didn’t set out to write that cuddlefucking fic we talked about on Discord, but here we are

Summary: You are very happy to have Jesse home.

Suggested listening:

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You had never seen Jesse look so tired. He was always so strong, so sure of himself—he seemed as invincible as the Republic itself. So when he trudged into your flat with deep shadows beneath his eyes, his shoulders slumped beneath the weight of those massive ARC pauldrons, you couldn't imagine how difficult his most recent deployment must have been. But he greeted you with that same sweet smile that had first caught your eye all those months ago, and if he leaned a little too heavily on you when you kissed him, well, it was a small price to pay to have him home, safe in your arms. 

You helped him strip off his bulky armor and stack it in the living room. Once he was down to his body glove, he kissed you again, and you held him tightly, trailing your lips up his cheek until you reached the edge of his tattoo. You began to work your way around the circumference of the Republic cog, dropping the lightest, feathery kisses on his skin, before kissing your way up and down every single spoke of the cog, until Jesse was squirming and laughing beneath your onslaught of kisses. 

You finished by kissing the tip of his nose, and then you took him by the hand and dragged him to the sofa, pushing him down onto the soft cushions and settling onto his lap. You snuggled close to him, resting your head on his chest as he wrapped his arms around you.

“Stars, I've been looking forward to this for weeks,” he murmured. “Missed you so much.”

“I missed you more,” you whispered.

“No way.”

“Way,” you replied gravely.

He tightened his arms around you and kissed the top of your head, breathing in deeply. He passed out within seconds, snoring quietly in your ear. You stayed perfectly still for a while, but eventually, you roused him enough to get him into the bedroom and help him out of the body glove and into bed. He was asleep almost before he crawled under the covers.

You slipped beneath the blanket to lie next to him, scrolling idly through your datapad. After an hour or so, you got up quietly and went to the kitchen, closing the bedroom door carefully so as not to disturb him. You cooked his favorite meal—something simple and hearty that would braise in a low oven for hours—and when even the smell of the food didn't wake him up, you went back to bed.

You hadn't been doom-scrolling on the holonet long when Jesse shifted in his sleep, a low, quiet moan rumbling from his chest. Glancing over, you saw that he'd kicked off the blanket and was now only covered up to his waist in the sheet—unsurprising; he always seemed to run a little hotter than average, which worked out well for you, since you always seemed to be a little cold. Your eyes roamed appreciatively over his broad shoulders, down his thick chest, over his powerful core, to where his hips disappeared beneath the sheets that were rather prominently tented by his erect cock.

Whatever he was dreaming, it seemed to be pleasant.

As you watched, he rolled his hips subtly, unconsciously seeking stimulation. You slid a little closer to him, draping your torso carefully over his outstretched arm, and traced your fingertips lightly over his collarbone, then down his pectoral. You loved his chest; the dense muscles never failed to make your mouth water when you saw him without a shirt. You avoided the tickle zone of his waist, instead moving up to his shoulder and beginning to stroke lightly down his arm. 

You were so engrossed in exploring his gorgeous body that you didn't immediately notice that his eyes had opened, and he watched you with a sleepy but very interested expression. The arm you were lying on curled around your waist and pulled you close to him. You looked into his eyes with a soft smile, and then pressed your lips to the heated skin of his neck.

“You're so warm,” you whispered.

“I do it on purpose so you'll cuddle up to me,” he mumbled.

“It's working,” you replied, kissing a little lower on his neck and then down his shoulder. “Were you having a good dream?”

He buried his face in your hair and kissed your head. “Mm-hmm. Dreamin’ about you. This is even better.”

You dragged your tongue lightly over his chest, then kissed your way down his abdomen, shifting positions as you went, first to straddle his thigh, and finally to kneel between his legs. He moaned and writhed beneath you, his chest heaving with the force of his ragged breath. Your hands roamed over his body, smoothing across his skin, and you felt hot arousal begin to pool between your thighs as you caressed him. 

You trailed a series of playful kisses up the length of his cock, and when you swirled your tongue around him, his hips jerked and he hissed in a breath.

“Fuck, that feels amazing,” he gasped.

His hands came to rest on your head as you took his cock in your mouth—not pulling your hair or controlling your movements, just touching you softly, stroking your cheeks, hair, and neck. 

“You can be rough if you want,” you whispered, dragging your tongue up the underside of his cock as you gazed up at him. 

He shook his head, his eyes glazed with lust, his jaw slack. “This is perfect. You are so kriffin’ good at that.”

You smiled and continued to worship his cock with your hands and mouth until he was gasping and whimpering, his legs flexing and twitching on either side of you.

“Is this how you want to come?” you asked softly, releasing his cock from your mouth and admiring the glossy sheen that coated his skin.

He shook his head. “I want you.”

“You’re having me,” you smiled.

“I want to fuck you,” he panted. “I want you to ride me. Please, baby.”

You never could resist him when he begged. You crawled up his body, and he slid his hand between your thighs. 

“Holy kriff,” he said, looking up at you with wide eyes as his fingers glided through your slick arousal. “Is this just from sucking my cock?”

“I like to make you feel good,” you murmured. “And I missed you. A lot.”

He slipped his finger effortlessly into your cunt. “God damn.”

He played with you gently, his thumb teasing your clit as he worked you slowly with his thick finger, and you dropped your forehead to rest on his chest as you balanced on all fours. 

“You ready?” he whispered into your hair.

You nodded, your head still against his chest. He withdrew his hand from you and guided your hips as you moved to straddle him. Wet as you were, and even with his cock still slick from your tongue, it was still an incredible stretch to take him, and you exhaled slowly, relaxing your body as he leisurely pressed into you.

“Look how fuckin’ beautiful you are,” he breathed, awed. He stroked his hands up your body to play with your breasts. “Such perfect tits.”

Once you’d taken him fully, he pulled you down to rest on his body, wrapping you in the warm, strong embrace of his arms as you rode him, deep and slow.

“I’m so happy you’re home,” you sighed contentedly.

“Gods, me too. I never want to leave.”

“I wish you could stay…” you whispered, burying your face against his neck.

“Hey,” he soothed you, cupping the back of your head in his large, warm hand. “Hey, it’s okay. Come here.”

His kiss was soft at first. Just the lightest touch of his lips against yours. When he slid his tongue into your mouth, you took a deep, shuddering breath, forcing your mind to focus on the present, on the feeling of him inside you, on the taste of his lips and the scent of his skin and the thunderous pulse of his heart—his amazing, enormous, beautiful heart—as your breasts pressed against his chest. 

You took your time, holding each other close, luxuriating in the time you had together. He thrust into you slowly, rocking his powerful thighs with incredible precision, finding the perfect angle and then driving himself into you again and again, building your pleasure gradually. 

“I’m close—” you gasped.

“I know,” he said, keeping that same slow, steady rhythm, refusing to rush your climax.

“I’m so fucking close—please!”

He slid his hand down to the base of your spine and pressed you hard against him as he thrust into you, finally speeding up just enough to push you past your limit. You came with a scream that immediately became a sob, your body convulsing violently around him as tears stung your eyes and overflowed. He fucked you hard through your orgasm and quickly followed you, spilling deep inside your cunt, the heat of his release nearly enough to make you come a second time. 

As your body relaxed against him, he massaged his hands gently up and down your back, his cock remaining deep inside you as it softened. After a few moments, you nuzzled your face against his neck.

“I made dinner,” you murmured.

“Holy fuck, I love you so much.”

Interested in more Jesse smut? I have a couple of spicy fics that you might enjoy: "Tup à Trois" (Tup x Reader x Jesse) and "She's Such a Scream" (Jesse x Reader; please heed the warnings on this one - it's sad).

[janichroma]

🎉Q/A Answers!🎉🎉

There's a lot to parse here! Warning that there are some spoilers of current content in here! So please tread carefully!

Q1.) I'm very curious about Death Wings. Do all of them exist in a similar state to Robo-Ren, where their true bodies are asleep and they pilot a mechanical suit, or is there something that differentiates them?

Ren is an exception. He's the only one who pilots a separate body. The others are in their own!

Q2.) Which Rejuv characters would be most likely to start a podcast together?

Adam and Valarie probably have a lot of deep 3 am conversations so with a little help from Saki, those two would def make a podcast. Other highlights are Saki+Erick and maybe Texen by himself because he just talks about how women are objects or something i dunno.

Q3.) Are you absolutely sure this is a good idea? Are you being held hostage?

I deadass thought i was gonna get 10-20 questions at most..... So yeah its a good idea.

Q4.) So, half servants. They’ve been so confusing to me. Until 13.5 I was just under the assumption servants were just infertile lol. So, do half servants like…. Inherit any powers or anything from their servant parent? Like, the ability to teleport and things like that.

Servants cannot reproduce when they're first created/in their generic form, but when they transform into their own person they gain a soul and they are then able to reproduce because they're just like any other person. It's just that their origins are different. Servants can still use their magic, but their children cannot. Although, I bet their children -do- inherit some traits from their Servant parent. Probably like just having above average strength/speed etc. That's not universal, though.

Q5.) How come Tesla doesn't let Amber bring us to the villa after the gym battle now?

Well... When two people love each other very much...

Q6.) Do the executives of Team Xen and most importantly Ren have the green gem somewhere on their body that marks them as members of Team Xen?

I wonder...

Q7.) I know in the past, you said that you haven't seen any correct guesses as to the identity of Madame X. Has that changed since the release of 13.5?

Pretty close, but no cigar.

Q8.) would crescent like yuri/gl

I banish you to the hungry worm dimension.

Q9.) i know that some characters, namely tesla (and maybe jolene?) call themselves "honorary" members of the elite 8. is there any specific reason for that? also can roboren run doom this is important.

There's no specific reason other than it soundin' fancy. Roboren can run tetris so maybe!

Q10.) What are the perks/ benefits of joining Team Xen? ( asking for a friend )

Amazing health care, and amazing investments in your 401k.

Q11.) I wanted to ask, which character has, for you, the most chance to surprise us in future updates? Be it badly or greatly.

i can't answer this because it gives too much implicit information!!! Sorry!!

Q12.) what pokemon teams (or just ace pokemon) would characters you don’t ever battle have? for example, volta, eizen, martin, rune, eden, etc? will we ever fight any of them?

I don't want to answer this either because we will probably have an opportunity to fight -most- of these people here, but for Rune it's already established to be Rapidash (Ace), and Eden would probably have a Blissey somewhere.

Q13.) How close of friends are Amber and Crawli? I wanted to ask since they're both Gym Leaders of Terajuma and around the same age, especially when Tesla and Amber moved to Telia after the incident.

They're not too close. They know of each other, and have spoken, but it's mostly a "friendly landlord" kind of relationship. They only talk when it's necessary... Not that Crawli is a landlord, or has any bearing on Teila.

Q14.) Hihi, what are somethings that have changed from version v12 (and also v13) that you really like/are proud of? And are there things you miss from previous versions, but you had to get rid of for any reasons? (I'm personally absolutely in love with the redone Terajuma stuff and especially Crawli, and also the redone Ryland scenes but that's because I'm biased.)

Terajuma 100%. I LOVE Terajuma now. I used to really despise it, evidently. But I think it's so fun and has a lot of nice moments. Valor Mountain still sucks, though. I have a huge urge to simplify that place, but then i'd have to redo a certain scene later and i dont wanna bc it's already perfect. Suffering from success... As for things I miss from previous versions... I can't think of any right now because I love where we're at rn so I guess I don't miss anything? There are certain scenes like Melia with her long hair flowing, but outside of small instances like that, nah!

Q15.) If in the nightmare school "Jean" was able to manifest flora's explosives from the dreams of GDC's citizens... Where could he have manifested A Gun from??

Probably the police station, tbh.

Q16.) What's your personal favorite part of the game thus far?

Honestly Chapter 2 -> to the end of Terajuma is so much fun to me. Not that the other chapters aren't, but that part is comfy. I also love Renegade Route chapter 0.

Q17.) Now if I'm remembering correctly, you mentioned that Venam was supposed to be just a side character at first. What made you decide to change her role into such a major one? Also how did the Melia/Venam come about?

Yeah so, Beth was actually in Venam's spot if you can believe that. Yes, the same one that sells Moo-Moo Milk. We already had a prominent blonde character and Beth wasn't boring or anything, she just didn't add a fun dynamic with Melia. Although back then the formula was more rebornified. Meaning characters rarely traveled together and they kind of just showed up when they needed to. Now characters are constantly always traveling with you and stuff. Not that the old format is bad, it's just a different take. I brought Venam back because she's Melia's best friend and it felt real weird that she was not involved -at all- compared to her and Ren. Their relationship came about because.. Well, I kinda just knew. Venam was always a lesbian in my head, and Melia is def the character that would love anyone if they gave her the chance to love them. It just felt right?

Q18.) 1) When was Eizen conceptualized? 2) What is one funny story about developing v13.5 that you can share? 3) Were there any pieces of media you took inspiration from while writing Renegade(mainly Central Tower)? 4) Do you have any plans of making more games after Rejuv?

Yall are cheating with the multiple parts!! Anyway, Eizen was conceptualized sometime in v13's development, but he... she.. they... were just a concept at the point. (stick a pin in that) 2.) A funny story? Hm... I honestly can't remember anything rn. Probably just some bug that caused us pain and it was super simple to fix. 3.) To be honest, I didn't take any real inspiration for Renegade. I actually went into doing that route without knowing exactly what I wanted from it. But the pieces sorta fell into place and im in love with it lol. M2 was always going to be a character in the game, it's just that she was never named M2 and was more tragic than unhinged. M2's personality was altered slightly because I wanted Renegade to have SOME sort of a balance, and a partner in crime (sorta) felt appropo. 4.) Yes, I have original games in the works AND plans for at LEAST 1 more fangame after this. I'd like to start from scratch with all the knowledge I have now. Though, it wouldnt be nowhere near as long as Rejuv. I'm talking like 4-5 releases. lol.

Q19.) Wanted to ask how renegade!MC perceives Clear/Kieran, the 3 choices we have to respond to Clear asking us to go see Clear all seemed cold towards her. I guess they aren't a potential new friend group?

They are a means to an end. The MC is not close with Clear or Kieran at all. They barely even talk outside of the instances we've already seen. Maybe that'll change?

Q20.) This has been a matter of contention between some friends of mine and I. How old is Odessa? I'd assumed she was below 18 as she's not taken the throne so she might not be an adult and her dad's in charge until that happens, but they think she's an adult. For something less serious, who in Rejuv's most likely to start a ponzi scheme, and who's most likely to buy in.

Odessa is likely to be around 25-ish. She's a legal adult, and is in line to be Queen of Kristiline, but their family line already holds so little influence and power that Aquis just makes her a figurehead and manages things on his own. Kind of a Cinderella of situation? More similar but not 1:1. To be honest? I figure Aquis hopes Kailani to return one day and assume her duties because he likes her more (Even if he abused her the same way he did Odessa.) As for the ponzi scheme... I feel like Thomas Jr would make one and Texen would fall for it.

Q21.) Who is the hardest character to write consistently?

Honestly? Melia. She's given me the most trouble despite her being so prominent. Im good at it now I think, but before I never knew how to write her because anything I did came with criticism lol, and still does, but now I don't really give a shit. Amber's a close second.

Q22.) When Crescent fell down the cliff, did she get the interceptor contract then was asked to become a storm chaser? The events seemed to have happened close to each other. Curious since the hags serve Variya, so only 1 of the 2 parties could've asked her both, but that wasn't the case.

Yes it was shortly after she fell. To be clear, the sparkle the protags saw was the sparkling of water from the moonlight above. So they knew it was "safe" to push Crescent. She could have died but she had a chance to survive a situation where the alternative meant certain death.

Q23.) Will the Elite 8 even be able to be battled on Renegade? I imagine Karrina would replace Karen if Karen dies on Paragon, and Karrina doesn’t get pushed, but she eats the Deletos on Renegade if you don’t push her in Castle Zygara, and it made me wonder.

The members of the Elite 8 may be battleable, but not in an official league format. That's all I'll say on that.

Q24.) I'm still really curious about emma, things that come up in my mind a lot is the part where she looks to be used by variya to speak to melia during the part where amanda knocks her out, and during pearl route when we see the note signed by someone with the same name- emma. because of this, I've been pretty curious about this disguise thing the space hags gave melia. did they- or variya gave them orders to- pull the appearance from the deceased emma? does this mean ... they're the same person?

The name part is merely a coincidence and acts as foreshadowing. Melia reads the note and is like "Emma...?" and wonders if she would share the same fate as the ones written on the notes, and then lo and behold she has the same condition.

Q25.) This question is regarding Renegade route: Do the 6 years that M2 and our chosen host were lost in that alternate world match up with a version release that is outdated, or is an in-universe timer that we shouldn't overthink that much?

Honestly, that wasnt the reason for 6 years but now I wish it was that's rad as hell. But no the 6 years isn't even 6 years. It's an unspecified amount of time that passes that she perceives as 6. They both couldve been down there for a million years and they wouldnt know. The area they're in is similar to the chasm where it wears down your mind after long exposure. Maybe that's how Melia could take such a bad turn in life. The protags are always optimistic to escape though so they are able to hold onto their mind.

Q26.) #1 spector fan here asking questions about him since he probably won't get much spotlight outside of one quest... what was his life like before taking on the reserve leader role (other than what we already know, like where he lived,) and what are his interests outside of the paranormal, if any? thanks for the opportunity! love this game a lot :^)

Spector is a history buff and loves to do Goth Gf things like take strolls in graveyards at 3 am 🥰🥰. Probably spent most of his time in the District of Hope. He also likes exploring ruins and abandoned buildings. Not limited to Aevium tbh.

Q27.) I know Eizen seems to be a strictly side quest character, but have K/C or the hags ever tried contacting him for recruitment? His research seems too valuable to go unused for them.

Eizen has absolutely no interest in either of those groups. If they even tried to do anything he'd noclip out of the room and fall out of bounds and then die half life 1 style.

Q28.) :3c what are some characters that are trans if i may ask?

Ryland - FTM Party Girl - MTF Alain - NB Aero - NB V - Genderfluid Eden - Genderfluid

Q29.) would angie still possess alice in renegade? :0 super curious about it hihihi

Whatever happened passively in Paragon (Meaning Cera being abandoned, Alice getting possessed), STILL HAPPENS IN RENEGADE, we just don't see it because the trail of events that led to us seeing them in Paragon do not happen. So... in Renegade, that means Alice is still...

Q30.) How did the aftermath scene from defeating the hags on renegade come to be? I'm very curious

i assume you mean the Tera Raid parody? Well, it came up on my playlist on the train and I was feeling chaotic. what if in rejuv but deadly ?

Q31.) who's the shortest character (excluding the younger kids >>)

Probably either Cera, tbh. She's a short lil one. I don't have canon heights for characters outside like an estimation. But in my head Cera tiny.

Q32.) Hello! I would like to ask, Did the interceptor, before the SS Oceana be attacked, have fake memories of a life alongside Nancy? Since Crescent wanted the MC to have a normal life, I always wondered If she created new memories to make this easier And if I can ask another question. What is/was the criteria to someone see the MC appearance correctly? Huey and Lavender saw two different ones, while Aelita saw the correct one(in my case she saw Alain when asked)

Crescent did not create memories for the player. They just started acting weirdly and stopped talking to her. They then started to behave the same way you, the player, does. Believing that what is happening is real and has always been real (Because this is all the information you have right now), so Crescent takes this opportunity to try and let go by giving you a better (but fake!) life. It's why she sorta distances herself a bit (but not too much) so that you could integrate yourself into that delusion. We love being neuro <3.

The criteria is pretty ambiguous intentionally, but for me it has to do with personality and connection. Aelita always sees who you truly are because shes so close with the player + she has envoy shenanigans going on. If you would get along with Alain the most, the player would show themselves as alain etc.

Q33.) Any disclosable reasons why the rift dex now only has 2 remaining entries instead of 3 like in v13?

It's probably just a discrepancy that happened due to shifting over code bases. The number of slots left is not indicative of anything.

Q34.) hello jan!! hope you’re doing well :D is there any more information or random various facts about the androids (clear/kieran/eden) that can be said that ISN’T spoilers? it’s ok if not! i’ve just been curious about them all lately, especially in regards to how eden’s powers with emotional manipulation work.

Nothing too interesting about Clear or Kieran that isn't spoilers and isnt known already, but as for Eden... Eden was eccentric and had a personality thats real close to prince peasley from superstar saga LOL. I feel like Eden would have a catch phrase like "Mon Cherie", and flip their iridiscent hair in mockery. Eden's manipulation was very devastating. You would feel an immeasurable amount of joy when inflicted that you would give over any information because youre... happy to! But it was also very deadly. If exposed to it for too long you become way too happy to the point where you lose the ability to function normally. You'd fall into a happy-apathetic state and collapse and just lay where you fell until you starved or died in some other way. Because you're happy to! Everything in moderation, guys.

Q35.) Hi jan!!! quick question — why do you hate me why did the renegade route do that /real/ question though…. My buddy found some like… older stuff about Eizen in v13’s files. Something about a girl named Ærika?? (Idk if thats even connected but whatever) How did Eizen come to be? What was the process?

Hi remember the pin I stuck earlier? Ok we're unpinning that now. So, Eizen was originally a woman (So happy for his transition), And her name was Ærika. But we already had so many girls in the game and I wanted to create more male characters so then Eizen was born. I'm glad for it too because Eizen is way more interesting than Ærika. Eizen/Ærika came to be when [redacted]. I can't explain his origins quite yet, sorry! But one day you Will Realize.

Q36.) Hi Jan, thanks for the amazing game! In Alamissa, before we get yeeted into the past by Kieran, when Ren gives us sylveon and, um, Nancy’s remains, he mentions that he has stayed (even after breaking off with crescent) with xen for an important reason… but won’t specify. Later, he says the reason is because he wants to help nastasia. But the alamissa convo happened before ren met Anastasia (baby version). Did ren want to help nastasia before he met her past version and learned that she was…

Ren didn't know who she was at that point, but Ren has seen Nastasia in vulnerable points (that we havent seen... yet?). She has discussed with him that shes looking for someone prior to Alamissa, but she was very vague about it, and still is, but she's opened up a lot to Ren over time.

Q37.) This is probably a weirder question but will all of the main leaders, even the ones we battle outside of their gym duties have custom moves? If not, would it be safe to assume the main leaders use the moves of their reserves?

All leaders have custom moves. Reserves use the move the main leader does! They have TM's for these, but they aren't allowed to give them out to winners. At least, at the moment!

Q38.) what was your favorite part of 13.5's development?

Making Renegade Route lmfao. It was so much funnnnnnn. I cant wait for the rest.

Q39.) what’s the EoN experience like for someone going through it? If that’s too spoilery, what was the most surprising part of people’s reactions to .karma content?

You're getting scrubbed. It looks painful, but it's painless... and seamless! You literally cannot process what is going on. As for most surprising, I was surprised people loved M2 so much. I mean, I had a feeling people would like her, but she really took off and that makes me happy bc shes so fun to write.

Q40.) Hi Jan! My question is this: Will Melia and Venam get back together somewhat in the future? Or will they just stay friends? (Paragon route)

Who knows...

----------------------------------------------------------------

An extra question im throwing in here because ive seen a lot of talk around this character.

Q1X.) What inspired M2? M2 was conceptualized to be more of a tragic character, but I felt like Renegade needed some balancing out mood wise, or else it was too much of a drag. M2 was inspired by an insecurity of mine, actually, or I guess less so an insecurity and more of a question a lot of us ask ourselves. What if? What if I did this differently? What if I was born elsewhere? How different would I be? When Covid first started running about and I thought the fate of our lives was about to be cut short potentially, I started thinking about how I lived my life and how much I missed out on certain things. M2 is that. She gets a second chance at life and decides she wants to be everything but Melia because she's already lived that life and it turned out poorly. Hence the name M2. The second version of herself.

A song that inspired me is Immaterial by Sophie (Rest in peace)

2:03 is important

Now that I have a second chance at life, "I'll be anyone, anything, any shape." I mentioned before that your archetype powers manifests as your deep inner desire, and since M2 wants to be everything she couldn't be, it turns into her creating alternative selves through clones made of light. Another point of inspiration for her forms is actually Barbie of all things. Not the movie, although the movie takes advantage of the same principle, that Barbie can be anything. A doctor, a lawyer, life guard, a government official etc. M2 is everything always and forever, and she's also nothing at all. Which one is the real M2?

[chaifootsteps]

Stolas Project/Stolas rewrite anon again! Thank you so much - yes, I'll absolutely share my rewrite idea with you! Here it is:

Firstly, I think everything but the sexual abuse and childhood friends can be salvaged - the grimoire, Stella, Via, etc. A rewrite where Stolas TRULY did nothing wrong is just bland, after all. Especially as by 'tragic operatic figure', I mean characters such as the Phantom of the Opera, or Mr. Darcy. Those are men who are CERTAINLY not without fault.

In my mind, the best version of Stolas is an old man - an aloof, intimidating noble known for his personal army and his scientific brilliance. He's a bit mysterious; preferring to keep to himself and his studies. Gossip calls him 'the Hermit', 'the Astronomer', or 'the Scientist'. He loves to insert himself into mortal scientific debate, often being a 'spark of brilliance' in fellow eccentrics, or, more commonly, talent-less hacks that will only serve to spread misinformation and discourse. He's been playing the climate change game for years. NFTs were a joke made while drunk off his arse.

This would be how he's introduced - the frightening, eccentric general who keeps to himself and who rewrites the Truth based on his own hypothesis.

His isolation runs deeper than disinterest or scientific pursuit, though. Stolas is, in truth, a bleeding heart. Obviously, bleeding heart means something different for demons - he's still sadistic and likes sowing intellectual discourse, but there's a dignity to that in his eyes. The no-holds-barred, knives-out culture of his fellow nobles makes him deeply uncomfortable. Whilst he's prejudiced, the outright hostility towards imps makes his stomach churn. Science is easy because facts don't have feelings, but social gatherings do. Humans can't defame him in a way that matters.

Stolas has a reputation he's expected to uphold, and he feels as if playing socialite game or even appearing to the public at all will spell his doom. He just isn't confident in swaying the public as he is studying black holes or teaching Via how to command her father's army. He adores her, and he's terrified of what he may put her through if he makes a mistake.

This can partly be that, perhaps, Paimon is still Stolas's father and still far meaner than Stolas could ever hope to be. All the expectations of hell royalty - the cruelty, the meddling, the pleasure - all planted by his father. The rest of hell is presented as a frightening enemy, which encourages Stolas to sequester away. His army was passed down from his father, and he rarely uses it. This relationship could create a theme in children feeling unloved by their parents in Stolas that I'll elaborate on later with Via.

Combine all these aspects together, Stolas feels trapped. Trapped in his research, trapped in the bodies of tech bros and tiktok witches he peers through, trapped in his marriage, trapped by his father, trapped in his status. The shy rich scientist grows dissatisfied with expectations and with comfort. He craves freedom.

Stella isn't just an evil woman who exists to torment Stolas anymore. Their marriage IS arranged, and loveless. However I think they have a sort of Fredrick the Great and Catherine the Great dynamic - they don't have any love for eachother, but they don't want to make eachother miserable. Stella is sympathetic to his plight - she too is stern and aloof, but because she feels forced to to protect herself. She's the face of the family, and is used to playing defense. Being a woman in hell, more eyes are on her by default. Her life has been decided for her, and she has a role to play. For the sake of herself, for the sake of him, and for the sake of their daughter.

They would both do anything for Via. Via doesn't make them love eachother, but she makes them stay together to raise her. Via is aware of this, deep down, regardless of whether she catches her parents admitting it or not. Their lack of love, but persistent solidarity makes that palpable. Via grows up with the burden that stability rests on her, that love does not exist without her.

So Stolas and Stella agree - they don't have to like each-other, but they need to trust each-other for Via's sake. So long as they can be loyal, at least, they can go on and spend their lives doing their own thing. They won't interfere with eachother, won't demand anything of each other. They just need to be loyal to eachother. Stella never strays.

At first, neither does Stolas.

Blitzo trying to stealth into the party is their first meeting. Instead of taking him to his chambers to ""ravish"" him, Stolas is genuinely just looking to interrogate this most fascinating and audacious imp. Blitzo tries to seduce him, and Stolas actually rebukes the attempts. By the devil's footprints, he's a married man! What's wrong with this mongrel? The audacity! He smooths out his feathers, which have definitely only fluffed due to rage. On top of that, he catches on that Blitzo is trying to steal one of his tomes. This leads to a boiling point, and...

...The grimoire.

Rather than a plot device, the grimoire can be more symbolic to the give-and-take; the relative freedom they both feel in their relationship. I think there is real potential for exploring a forbidden gay yearning romance with real power imbalance at play, just without the rape shit. The grimoire could be a good representation of that, and its symbology relevant to their relationship can be based on how it's shared between them. I can see its relevance be handled several ways: a) A pact. Most like canon as far as I know. HOWEVER, there is no sexual favor coercion bullshit. it's strictly a business deal/typical devil pact. Blitzo's desperation and hubris have bungled his introduction to Stolas so badly that he's drawn the Hermit's attention. He can have his grimoire, but he must bring it back to Stolas and must consider himself as one of Stolas's legionnaires. While Blitzo can't really say no, having pissed off a demonic prince, it isn't for sexual coercion and neither consider themselves to have legitimate romantic or sexual feelings for eachother. That's a slowburn, stemming from Stolas's fascination for Blitzo's free spirit and Blitzo discovering Stolas's gentle, socially awkward science nerd side. Also creates a jumping board for episodes where IMP runs tasks for Stolas and it's more like watching a Batman episode from the perspective of Joker's goons.

b) A gift with strings attached. Instead of getting angry, Stolas becomes pitying of Blitzo. He offers the grimoire as a "kindness" (though with an air of condescension against imps that makes Blitzo uneasy) instead of a punishing pact, but still has Blitzo agree to bring the book back to him and to be willing to act as Stolas's dagger in the shadows should he demand it.

From there, their relationship becomes defined as an uneasy business truce. In my mind, Stolitz would work best as two people trying to seek freedom, potentially finding it in eachother, but their relationship is affected by the same metaphorical shackles they're trying to escape from - for Blitzo far more than Stolas. Even without any of the SA bullshit, Stolas still has a lot of power in this dynamic, even if he's well-meaning. But Stolas is a deeply repressed man, and Blitzo represents that running away, that freedom he's been looking for. But he's also a reminder of what he has to lose, should he give into temptation.

Stolas's kidnapping can be a turning point (instead of kidnapped by his wife and Striker, a character whose service to Stella butchers that character in his own right, perhaps he's kidnapped by a rival noble or by that weird mafia I know jackshit about), and in their business dealings they have lots of little moments of vulnerability that pile up. Stolas shows Blitzo his research as Blitzo is turning in a hit, Stolas starts helping Blitzo's business stay afloat in ways WITH no strings attached, etc. Look My Way happens during Stolas's moment of realization that he does have feelings for Blitzo, the audacious, free-spirited little imp that dared to steal from the Hermit.

I think we can keep his gag of terrifying, lust-filled speeches too - just have them be during moments of consent instead of unprompted sexual harassment. Stolas finally crumbles and begins admitting what he wants to do with Blitzo, and it snowballs into a rabid tirade that marks Blitzo down as scared and horny. It makes their confession and move into something like lovers exciting, intense, and silly, and it devolves into a night of passion. For a moment, they're both free.

But he experiences REAL consequences for his infidelity, with no 'oh poor baby Stolas' rigamarole. Stella is rightfully furious at him. The ONE thing they agreed to, and he couldn't even uphold that. She is devastated, and for once in her life is sided with. I don't think anyone besides her cares about the morality of cheating all that much, it's more-so about the tarnished status and the fact he couldn't even get away with it. Still, the family name is ruined and he loses MANY comforts in the divorce, including his daughter.

But more than that, his relationship with Via will never be the same. You can still have episodes where Via tries to bond with him, but Stolas committed (and by virtue of being with Blitzo, continues to commit) the sort of betrayal that never really gets healed by time. In her eyes, her father finally got sick of playing house and abandoned her for a new family that she never even met. She feels failed and replaced.

From there, you can have an arc of Stolas trying to adjust after the fallout of his infidelity, and can have Blitzo closing himself off from their messy intimacy (rather than trying to escape a sexually abusive relationship). Stuff like that.

That's my take on a better Stolas. Hope you enjoyed reading!

Holy hell, I was on the edge of my seat all throughout this! This was sublime.

Thank you for that five minute vacation to a better word.

[belovedhoon]

lie with you

divider credit: @cafekitsune

paring: ni-ki x f! reader genre: angst fandom: enhypen wc: 2300+ contains: sad topics, angst, heartbreak, no happy ending, fic is in riki's pov in collaboration with @st1llm0nster read her fic here taglist: @hmusunoo , @lonelybutterflytae

synopsis: riki is in love with y/n, but he knows she’s not his to keep. their relationship was doomed to end from the beginning. but for now they can pretend that they’re meant to be. they know it won’t last but they can lie until their end.

fic under the cut >>>>>>

Every time Y/N looks at Riki like he hung the stars, he can feel a piece of his heart break. It tears him apart because he knows it’s only just for now…they were never meant to last after all. It’s hard for him to pretend that everything is okay when he knows what’s gonna happen, but he loves Y/N too much to say goodbye. He hates that he knows he will be lonely after this is all said and done. For now, they’ll enjoy making memories, because soon enough all it will be is just that…memories.

“Y/N, are you almost ready?” Riki asked, knocking on her door before opening it and freezing. ‘Wow, she looks stunning…” Riki thought to himself as he looked at his girlfriend. Y/N was dressed in a pink and white floral dress and Riki thought she was the most beautiful girl he had ever laid eyes on. “Riki! Why are you staring at me like that…” Y/N whined out, flustered by his intense gaze. Riki broke out of his reverie and smiled softly at her, running his hands through his hair.

“You look beautiful Y/N…” Riki said softly, his voice deep. Riki’s smile deepened as he noticed Y/N’s face redden in a blush. Riki watched as Y/N shook her head, a cute smile on her face. He was so hopelessly in love with Y/N, it hurt. He tried so hard not to get too attached because he knew that it was only going to hurt him when she finally left him, but he couldn’t help but fall more in love with her every time he saw her.

“Riki…? Are you okay?” Riki heard Y/N say to him, her tone concerned. Riki broke out of his thoughts and gave her a small smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes and nodded. Y/N gave Riki a knowing look but didn’t say anything more, she knew after all what he was feeling and why…

Riki and Y/N arrived at the restaurant shortly after 6:30 pm. This was Y/N’s favorite place to eat, which is why Riki had chosen it. Although he knew it was pointless and ridiculous to even think about, he thought maybe if could indirectly show Y/N why she should stay, she would…if not for the town she grew up in but for him. He knew that wasn’t realistic but he couldn’t help but hope that she would. He loved Y/N too much to say this to her, he wouldn’t…no he couldn’t hold her back from leaving, it would be selfish of him to do so. He knew he was going to be left lonely, there was only so much pretending he could do, but he did it for her sake.

Riki knew Y/N could tell he was upset, how could she not know? He really was trying his best to not show how sad he was, but it was hard not to be depressed when he knew that everything he had with her was ending so soon, right before their very eyes. Y/N was doing a way better job at pretending everything was normal than he was and Riki couldn’t help but wonder why and how she was okay with the fact everything was about to end right before them. They were going to have to talk about Y/N leaving soon, and Riki really didn’t want to have to be the one to bring it up and ruin their date, but it was necessary.

“Y/N…” Riki started to say. Y/N looked at Riki and noticed his solemn voice. He could already tell she knew what he was about to say. She just stared at him, an unreadable expression on her face. Riki swallowed thickly, not knowing how to say what he was about to say. He could feel her eyes on him as he struggled to say what he was scared to talk about. He didn’t know how she would react, the last time he attempted to bring this topic up, Y/N pretty much shut it down with a soft but firm “Let’s not talk about this right now and just enjoy ourselves.”

“Y/n…I-I don’t know how to bring this up without ruining the mood, but we need to talk about you leaving for Korea in a week…” Riki whispered, his heart breaking a little more at the mention of Y/N leaving. Yeah, he thought about it constantly, but saying it out loud made it sink in that she was leaving him and he would be left lonely. He felt selfish even looking at it from that perspective but he couldn’t help it.

Y/N sighed at the words that Riki had just spoken. She had to of known this was coming soon, she was after all leaving in just one week. Did she just expect Riki not to say anything at all? To just go along with everything as if it was normal that they were most likely never going to see each other again. Was he supposed to just act happy until the day he sent her off at the airport?

“Riki…there’s nothing to talk about. You know I have to leave, there’s nothing we can do, you know this.” Y/N said softly to him. Riki’s face dropped at that statement. Of course, he knew that… It doesn’t mean it made it any easier for him. He was trying his very best not to burst right now with unbridled emotion, he really didn’t want to show how hurt he was feeling. If Y/N could be so seemingly unbothered, why couldn’t he?

Riki nodded at her words, he didn’t want to argue with her, that would make the whole thing worse for the both of them. He supposes he should just suppress how he’s feeling and keep continuing to pretend he’s fine, Y/N is doing that so he should too right? Riki honestly felt like he was the one who was most distraught over this shitty situation, either that or Y/N was really good at acting and pretending she was okay with everything happening. Riki was having a hard time sleeping at night because he just couldn’t stomach that the love of his life was about to be gone for most likely ever.

Today quite possibly had to be the worst day of Riki’s life…why? Well because today was the day that Y/N was leaving, like actually leaving. Today Riki had to say goodbye to the love of his life and he didn’t know how he was going to react once he said goodbye at the airport. Riki lay in bed longer, his body feeling numb. He couldn’t even sleep the night before, every time he tried to fall asleep he couldn’t help but picture different scenarios of Y/N leaving at the airport and him either stopping her or her deciding to stay for him, but then realization would hit and he’d be brought back to the reality that this was inevitable you would be leaving and there would be no stopping it, there would be no happy ending. Oh, how cruel fate is to rip Riki’s whole heart and soul away from him.

As soon as Riki sat up from his bed and stood up to go get ready, he almost fell over from how dizzy he was, his head pounding. He felt sick to his stomach the whole time he was doing his morning routine, his body moving sluggishly. He finally was able to force himself to finish getting ready. He sat on his couch with your chat pulled up mulling over what to say to you. ‘You up?’ No that was too sleazy. ‘Are you excited for your flight?’ No that was dumb. ‘Hey, are you ready for me to pick you up?’ Hm no that sounds kind of desperate… As Riki was going over what to say, a message from you popped up, causing him to gasp. ‘Great now she probably thinks I’m weird for reading her message so soon.’ Riki thought to himself.

“Hey, my love! Are you up yet? I know how you like to sleep in >_< but I’m ready to head to the airport if you are! I was thinking we could grab some breakfast from that cafe you like on the way?” Y/N had said in the text. Riki couldn’t help but quirk a smile at the term of endearment Y/N had texted before his smile dropped again at the mention of the airport. He sighed rubbing his face, he needed to at least pretend to be happy for Y/N and this new change for her…

Riki pulled up to Y/N’s apartment building parking and sent her a quick text letting her know that he had arrived. She texted him back almost instantly asking if he could come up and help her with her luggage. He replied with a quick ‘coming’ and headed up to her door. He knocked on the door waiting for you to open the door, smiling when he heard you trip over something and let out a little swear. When you opened the door Riki froze and the air left his lungs. You always looked so gorgeous and it took his breath away every time.

“Riki! Hi! Can you help me grab my luggage pretty please?” Y/N let out cutely. Riki just smiled and nodded his head. He followed her to the living room, where she had suitcases and bags lying around. He chuckled at the sight.

“Damn Y/N, you’re going to need a whole other plane for all these suitcases!” Riki said snickering when Y/N gasped dramatically and swatted his chest playfully.

“Shush Riki and just help me!” Y/N whined out. He just laughed and started to help her bring her stuff to his car. After they loaded the car, Riki drove to the Cafe and parked. They got out and walked inside heading to their usual spot in the cafe after they had ordered their food and drinks. They sat down and talked for a bit, but mostly stayed silent as they ate their food. During the silence Riki couldn’t help but let his depressing thoughts come back, I mean how could he not? In just a few hours Y/N would be gone to another country/ He couldn’t even begin to process that it was happening what seemed too soon for him. Riki was brought out of his thoughts when he heard Y/N call out his name.

“Riki…I can tell you’re upset…what’s wrong? You can tell me…” She said to him softly. Riki shook his head to let her know he was fine. Surely she had to know why he was upset if she truly did realize she was doing a fantastic job at hiding that she didn’t…

“I’m fine Y/N, really I am!” Riki said with a faux happy tone. Y/N sighed at his words but didn’t question him further. Riki and Y/N finished their breakfast before returning to his car. Riki could feel his heart drop and couldn’t help but feel nauseous at the fact that they were now headed to the airport…

When they arrived at the hectic airport, Riki felt a sickening sense of anxiety rush over him. His head spinning as soon as he got out of his vehicle. He felt sluggish as he walked inside the airport with Y/N and her bags. He watched as she checked in at the desk for her flight and could feel his heart breaking with every second that passed. After she was done getting checked in, Y/N walked back over to Riki her face unreadable. For a split second, he could have sworn he saw a glimmer of sadness in her eyes but just shook it off as anxiety of having to fly to another country.

The two of them walked over to where she would have to go when she was to leave for her flight. The both of them were shrouded in silence as they walked to the location where they would have to say goodbye. Their heads rising when they heard Y/N’s flight getting called to get ready to board.

“Riki…I’m gonna miss you so much…I lov-” Y/N started to say but Riki cut her off. He wasn’t trying to be rude he just knew he would not be able to cope if she finished that sentence, that he would not have let her leave.

“Don’t…Don’t tell me you love me…please…” Riki said, his voice breaking at the end. Y/N stopped and nodded her head. She must have known that would make things harder for him, for them both. Riki stepped closer to her grabbing her in a tight embrace and hugging her for a while, he only broke away when the announcement that her flight was ready to board. He kissed her as if it was the last time he would…well because quite frankly it was the last time…

They broke away and Y/N gave Riki one last longing gaze before walking away slowly to where she was to board her flight. Riki’s heart-shattering at the sight of her slowly disappearing away from his sight. As soon as she was out of sight, he let the tears flow down his face. This was the last straw for him, he could no longer be strong and pretend he was okay, he was far from being okay. He stayed awhile longer and watched out the window as her flight took off… Only walking away when he could no longer see the plane. How was he supposed to get through this? No more pretending, this was reality. He had only hoped at the last second that she wouldn’t have left or that he would have stopped her, but then reality hit and he needed to realize there was no more pretending, no more lying with Y/N and that hurt more than he could have imagined. This was goodbye forever.

As Riki drove home, he couldn’t help but feel numb as he looked at all the places he used to take you to. How was he supposed to go anywhere, do anything when every single place brought back memories of what used to be… He knows he should have prepared himself better for this, he knew it was coming, but how could he prepare himself for the heartbreak and misery he felt right at this moment? He knew playing his cards with you would only make him lose in the end but he was so naive in the aspect that he would be okay that he kept lying with you and in the end, he was left broken and lonely.

[wibble-wobbegong]

little ramble about will

i wish there wasn’t such a heavy association that heroism = violence. even if that violence is for positive intent, it isn’t a requirement to becoming a hero or a savior or freeing himself from constant victimization.

will has the unique trait of never engaging in violence throughout the show. every character has a different relationship with violence and what the line is for when it needs to be used. el often reacts with violence regarding her emotions and to protect her friends. hopper will use violence to get what he wants from people. mike is adamantly against all violence unless it’s for the sake of protecting others. almost every character has some sort of line they’ll get to from when violence isn’t okay to when it is okay. will doesn’t have that. will can’t shoot the demogorgon, he offers his friendship to dart knowing he’s a creature from the UD which he’s never had a good experience with, the only time he ever actually physically hurts something is when he’s throwing fireworks at the meat flayer which is a creature he knows isn’t alive and can’t feel real pain. it’s made of dead people. he isn’t actually hurting anyone by helping take down the meat flayer.

will is steadfastly against violence to the point where he won’t even hurt living creatures he knows are dangerous. will, while struggling against the hold of the mind flayer, still feels such intense guilt about being forced to lead the demodogs to the lab that he breaks through the possession again. it takes deep emotional reactions for him to be able to do this, as we see with him only reacting to the people closest to him and through mike’s monologue. he feels guilt for what he’s done deep inside him in a way that allowed him to overcome the possession. he was struggling to recognize his own mom at this point, but he still broke through to say sorry. will’s feelings about violence run to the very core of his person, it’s something that has not changed over the entire course of the show.

will’s path to becoming a hero doesn’t mean he learns to use violence to protect others. will’s hero arc doesn’t come from protecting others or being their savior. he’s already done that, over and over and over. he tried to sacrifice himself in S2, he ignored his own feelings in S3 and embraced the feeling the MF triggered so he could warn others. he has been protecting others, just through non-violent means. him being a central victim doesn’t erase the way he has been selflessly protecting people just like how him not using violence doesn’t get rid of that fact either.

will’s path to heroism has nothing to do with violence or protecting others. what he needs to learn in order to be a hero is selfishness. he needs to learn to care about himself as much as he cares about others. he needs to learn that he doesn’t need to give up everything about himself to protect others. his life is important. his feelings are important. his safety is important beyond just henry wanting him. will doesn’t see himself as worthy of escaping this constant cycle of giving himself up to protect other people. he cares so much and he’d give up everything to keep the people he loves safe. there’s someone in this story who wants him to be this way, who benefits from his sacrifice.

if will wants to be a hero and finally escape this ever present victim-status then he needs to be selfish. there are so many important things he can achieve through this, but the most pressing one is this: henry wants him to give up. henry wants him to sacrifice himself to protect the town. henry has always been going after will because he needs him, and if will tries to give himself up because henry will leave other people alone then he will have doomed the entire world. in that act of selfless protection of others, he’s giving henry the exact weapon he needs to continue his plan. what will needs, more than anything, is to be selfish. he needs to prioritize himself. he needs to learn to love himself because he loves others.

defeating henry doesn’t come through violence either. that clearly doesn’t work, based on what we’ve been shown. henry has been subjected to violence his entire life and not once did it prevent him from ending up where he is. no attempts to kill him have worked. will needs to break through to henry’s emotions and show him the compassion he’s never experienced. he shouldn’t forgive henry, he shouldn’t say he loves henry or anything, but he should show that same kindness he’s always had within him. henry doesn’t deserve any type of redemption arc, he doesn’t deserve to be saved, but he deserves to be understood. listened to. it won’t be violence that ends henry, but will’s compassion.

everything will needs to be a hero lies in loving himself. that’s how he can protect others. that’s how he can defeat henry and free himself of his most prominent abuser. it doesn’t lie in violence but in love, and i don’t think those concepts coexist in will’s mind.

[hanniiesuckle17]

Chapter 69: Unbiased But Not Really

A/n: I FEEL SO BAD FOR NOT UPDATINF SO HERES ANOTHER CHAPTER!!!!! The next update will be on the new schedule which is next Wednesday 8pm CDT! Tag List is Open<3

Tag List: @ashisparanoid @mini-meanhoe @leggomylino @hanstagram @desertofdessert @hoes4hoseok @jeongqin @mrsunshine999 @jisungsjheekies @hannie-squirrel00 @cotccotc @yangs-jeongin @binniebutter @orangegyu @little-precious-baby @raethethey @sofie296 @love-letters-2-jisungie @bluejayboys @bunnyjaycheoluwu @mingiholic @doom-fics @justhere4kpop

SMIY Tag List: @sanccharine @txt-yaomi @lyramundana @pink-hwaberry @butterfliesinthenightsky @billboard-singer @exololyunho @atinytinaa @honeyhotteoks @hijeongguk @aloverga @aestheticsluut @hwaightme @layzfeelit @honey-lemon-goose @alyssajavenss @minkyuncutie @yunho-1999 @lonewolfjinji @mrowwww @bxffietheblxxdy @soupbinlily @hwakay329

Pairing: Jeong Yunho × Reader

WC: 1.3k

Genre: Series, Fluff, Angst, Comedy, Idol au, Secret Relationship

Updates: Wednesday 8 PM CDT (Hopefully)

Warnings: Cursing, Privacy Invasion, Dieting, Overworking, 18+ Themes (eventually), Intense threats, Mention of suicide, Mention of violence

Summary: Privacy. Normalcy. Love. Y/n was ready to give all of that up when she became an idol. She was more than happy with the absence of those qualities in her life until a certain six foot mountain of sunshine and chaos was cast opposite her in her first drama. Confronted with the fact that she no longer knows what she wants; Y/n must decide if he's truly worth giving up the life she's dreamed of... and how much damage she'll let happen before she makes a decision.

✭

Y/n’s POV

Your foot tapped anxiously on the sidewalk. Thousands of different ways to have the upcoming conversation were overlapping and passing through your mind. A sharp pain was beginning to form between your eyes.

You pinched the bridge of your nose hoping that the pain would simply rub away from your eyes. As you opened your eyes you saw a tall figure walking down the tree-shaded sidewalk. His hands were stuffed into his jean pockets and his head was turning behind him every couple of steps, clearly hoping no one was following him.

As the man drew closer you saw his breath catch in his throat as your eyes met. A soft gentle breeze blew across the park, pushing your hair against your cheek. The tall man stopped a couple feet from you, keen on keeping his distance. "You came...." Yunho nodded, looking down at his feet. "I honestly didn't think you would come. Especially to help me."

"Well, the real reason I came back was....you know, well...to see you." It broke your heart to see the pained expression on his face. Yunho could barely meet your eyes, only glancing at you every few seconds. "I'm a selfish man." He laughed at his own words. Quiet and under his breath.

You took a small step closer, careful not to scare him away. "I like you selfish."

Again he laughed, not meeting your eyes; looking everywhere except for you. "Y/n, you can't say things like that."

"Why not?" The swings on the playground behind you squeaked in the wind. Both of you turned at the sound, anxious that you were not the only ones in the park.

Yunho scoffed, running a hand through his hair. "I'm trying to be your friend here because I don't think you're ready for me to be anything else." You hadn't noticed before at the awards, but his hair had gotten longer, shaggier. Almost hanging around his neck and forehead. "So- why do you need my advice?"

"Will you promise you won't hate me after I tell you?"

Yunho took a step forward, finally meeting your eyes. "After everything we've been through I still can't hate you. No matter how much I should. So, I think we're fine."

You took a deep breath, wringing your hands together. "Yuta wants to try dating...for real...this time..."

He stood in silence. He stared at you with an unreadable expression. Perhaps your voice had been drowned out by a breeze and he didn't hear. Yunho opened his mouth and then closed it again. Clearly, he had heard you and was deciding against whatever he was going to say.

So many things were running through his mind that you would never know. "I-....Why would you-....." It was obvious Yunho was too frustrated to get out a straight answer. "How can you possibly expect me to be unbiased here?"

"I'm not sure that I do..." You watched his brows furrow, something that always happened when Yunho got stressed. His hands came up to his face, attempting to rub away the apprehension. "Yunho, I don't know what to do."

"What do you mean you don't know what to do? You only have two choices!" He immediately regretted raising his voice, rubbing the back of his neck. "I'm sorry."

"No, you have every right to yell at me." Another breeze weaved between you and the trees, bringing with it sweet summer smells. "I'm literally the biggest asshole for even asking you, but you always know what to do....and I'm stuck."

“Do you like him?”

You sighed, pulling at the sleeves of your shirt. “No…yes…..I don’t know. I’m confused. I used to like him- back when I was a trainee.” Yunho’s lip snagged between his teeth and he couldn’t look anywhere but the sidewalk. “But, I can’t tell if I am just getting caught up in the acting or I actually am starting to like him.”

The two of you stood in silence. You could see that Yunho absolutely hated this conversation. "You were right. I would have just stopped talking to you over the phone. I'm really thinking about walking away right now."

"While I'm confused about how I feel about Yuta...I can't stop thinking about you." Yunho stared at you, searching your eyes for anything that would tell him you were lying. "I keep comparing how I feel with Yuta to how I felt with you."

"And?"

"I don't know....Everything with Yuta has been for show. It's not like a real kiss or...I wasn't really thinking about how it made me feel." Yunho took a step forward, looking down into your eyes. The breeze lifted and pushed his dark hair around his face. His eyes were still silently searching yours. Hesitantly his large hand, came to the back of your neck, thumb resting on your cheek.

Just the feeling of being touched by him was something you had almost forgotten. His hand rested so gently against your skin, cradling your cheek that you almost felt like crying. It was as if Yunho was afraid you might shatter in his hands.

"How do you feel?"

You let out a shaky breath, leaning into his touch. "Like...." All words were escaping you. It was as if all you could focus on was the feeling of his touch. He watched you struggle for a few moments, pushing down the lump forming in his throat.

The next thing you felt was his lips pressing softly against yours. The kiss was soft, and slow, leaving every part of your body electric and tingling. You let out a small gasp as you felt his other hand rest on your hip and slip just under the hem of your shirt, tenderly brushing over your warm skin. Yunho slowly pulled you into him, your chest brushing up against his own as his lips kept you almost melting in his embrace.

He pulled away just enough to see your face. Your eyes were still closed, reveling in the warmth that was pulsating through your entire being.

"How do you feel?" He asked softly, murmuring against your mouth.

"Honestly, like my knees are going to give out." Yunho's grip immediately tightened, fully wrapping around you. He couldn't help the proud smirk on his face. Slowly you opened your eyes, to be met with Yunho's soft brown ones. "So...um..."

"Come back to me."

Once again thoughts were rushing through your head. "Yunho..." He sighed, gently pushing himself away from you. "I love you."

"If you love me, why can't you just be with me?" His hands shoved themselves back in his pockets. "Am I really not enough for you? Because you're it for me. You're all I want."

You covered your face, pushing back your hair. "I love you, Yunho. Can I not love being an idol too?"

"You can! Of course, you can! But you seem to think that you can't have both; at least not with me." Yunho reached out for your hands again. "Y/n, I love you. You are more important than this life to me. If it's what you want I'd give it up. I'd walk away in a heartbeat."

"No- that's not what I want. I know you love it just as much as I do." Your thumb brushed over the top of his hand. "Can we talk more about this? This is a conversation that doesn't involve just us."

Yunho nodded, pushing a piece of hair behind your ear. "Yeah. We can talk more tomorrow. Then we can decide what we want to do." For a moment the two of you just looked at each other. "Will you text me that you got home safe?" You shook your head, looking down at your shoes.

Gently, Yunho pressed a kiss to your forehead. "I love you, Yunho."

"I love you too. Go on." He let go of your hands, and gently pushed you down the sidewalk. "Go home. We'll talk tomorrow." You turned around to see Yunho watching you walk away. Somehow as you walked home you felt both more confused and more at peace than you were before.

Previous Chapter ✭ Next Chapter

SMIY M.List

Masterlist

[darlingpwease]

Omega SHI MEI AS A YANDERE imagine alpha reader reject him but is in love with omega Chu wanning

in the rain without an umbrella

♡ unhealthy behaviour, animalistic behaviour, forced relationship elements, mild power imbalance, unrequited love if you squint, reincarnation themes if you squint; op!reader implied

ωαβ Perhaps you used to be interested in Chu Wanning, — after all, even if he was a beta, he was a beautiful and smart beta, despite the cold and austerity, almost asceticism that surrounded his strong but thin figure, never giving any sweetness or softness, but more like the snow-capped peaks of high mountains, which are not everyone can climb, — but that was in the past.

You haven't been really interested in him in this way for a long time, it was just a puppy crush that you took for 'falling in love'; it's typical for young ones to fall in love with older and mature ones, and the fact that you were attracted to such a beta, causing a desire to take care of his house and reach out to him in an effort to take care even when Chu Wanning time after time tries to convince (not in words — you can see it in his behavior) you not to do this, but you see how his dark eyes shine for a moment or how his hands tremble slightly whenever you are affectionate, only emphasizes this fact, even if he closes again later.

You just felt sympathy for the strong and inaccessible beta, as for your 'white moonlight', but it was obviously doomed and frivolous from the very beginning. After all, it would be weird to love someone just because... well... you don't remember why you loved him, but doesn't that mean it didn't have any meaning or importance? If you really loved, you would not forget why you experienced this feeling, and what features in him made your heart beat louder.

Unlike SHI MEI.

SHI MEI was kind, beautiful and gentle. Of course, you weren't going to say things like he was "much nicer" or "kinder" than Chu Wanning, they are completely different and not similar from the very beginning, comparing them is like comparing a flower with a mountain in an attempt to understand what is better, — but if people asked for your opinion, the 'flower' was definitely better. Flexible, soft, handsome, with an eye-pleasing face, tender eyes, red lips and cool skin, he was like a member of the merfolk tribe from old legends, and the fact that his smell made you slightly dizzy only fascinated you even more.

His beauty was innocent, pure, as fragile and eye-catching as a butterfly — and SHI MEI was as ignorant of it as a butterfly, not seeing how breathtaking its painted wings are. He had a thin wrist that you could easily grasp, a swan-like flexible neck, eyes like two smooth surfaces of a deep lake in the moonlight, spring flowers gently blooming on his cheeks and a leisurely smooth gait, as if he was trying to escape from the whole hostile world, but tried to restrain himself so that no one would notice.

But you noticed.

And when your hand takes the cool, narrow palm of an omega, feeling a shiver run through your body, while SHI MEI shyly smiles lovingly, bowing his head, you have nothing to say. It is as beautiful as the first spring flowers, making their way through tiny green buds on bare trees, not yet ripe, but fighting for the right to bloom, not realizing that even this will not guarantee their longevity, but the approach of death.

There's no way you're going to let him die.

“Shixiong, I...”

But for some reason the words still can't be pronounced.

“... I will always protect you.”

... You are sure that the omega's face changed for a moment, but when you returned your gaze, there was still the same timid smile and soft shy look, like a gentle maiden, to whom you decided to stretch out your hand, like a wild uncouth boor, capable only of trying to talk like some lower demonic spirit, — but you still do not let yourself miss the moment, gently placing your hand on his waist— and immediately receiving an almost chaste, exciting touch of scarlet lips to your cheek, which leaves a strange tingling sensation while SHI MEI hurriedly walks forward, but you see that even his neck is red.

If he's not destined to be your omega, then who is?

ωαβ SHI MEI does not need any search for reasons 'that could explain everything and show how his actions are ambiguous and not necessarily negative', and he also does not need any 'forgiveness' or 'justification' — the end justifies the means, he tells himself, carefully opening the door to your room and cannot resist a deep inhale, feeling your magnificent smell.

If he had his way, he would have already snuggled up to you and rubbed against you, erasing all those smells that Chu Wanning and others left on you, briefly biting your skin until it becomes obvious that you are his his his — but can only smile sweetly, noticing your gaze, attracted for a moment by the intensified aroma of aggressive omegas, and carefully sit down next to you, bringing some light snacks.

After all, you were sick, and SHI MEI, although he was not the best healer, only wanted to help you.

Of course, you want to convince him that you will be fine — after all, even if you are not an omega, you will not die from what happened, your regenerating factor is more than strong, — but SHI MEI just shakes head, not taking gaze off you intently, as if you have become a puppy who refuses to take the medications necessary for recovery; his thin gently fingers rest on palm when he bends slightly, giving you a soft, delicate fragrance of something very fragile and fleeting, while he purrs to let you let him, he worries about you, and if he can't be with you every minute, then why can't he at least take care of you like that? You're close friends, aren't you?

... Are you pushing him away because he's an omega?

He knows that he is not the strongest or the most capable, but he also wants to take care of you and be useful. Can't he?... Of course, a weak omega like him probably does not make you feel secure, he is not at all like the shizun that you admire and love so much, but he, too, can help. Will you let him? Will you let him do it?

Even if he is so useless and pathetic, unable to do anything but heal, he also wants you to benefit from him; so that you know that if something happens, he can cure you, and that he will always be there to help you. Is it bad? Does that make him bad? Is it his fault that this is the only thing he can do — but it seems that even in this he cannot be useful to you.

He just wants to help!

... When the incense starts working and SHI MEI holds hand on your chest, watching you doze off, he can't help but exhale with relief, even knowing that this is only half the way. If you had refused, the whole plan would have gone to ruin, — not that he could have forced you, — but he was just lucky that you were such an emotionally sensitive alpha. Perhaps that is why you coincided so well with Chu Wanning, seeing something beautiful and timid, like the first shoots, behind his metal armor, and continued to stand without leaving even when faced with pressure, resisting any destructive and skeptical behavior, wanting to see the answer to every question asked, like a bamboo shoot or a willow tree that bends under the force of bad weather but does not break and does not leave.

But it doesn't matter now.

He knows that you will not accept his feelings.

He was not a naive idiot or a desperate idealist — even if neither you nor shizun saw anything, SHI MEI knew what was behind all these 'under-courtship' and the fact that shizun constantly left his 'smell' on you or sniffed at you, although, obviously, he did not tolerate anyone's touches and smells, like a true beta, and was very sensitive to other people's scents, especially alpha scents.

SHI MEI knew that Chu Wanning was also an omega, but he doubted that anyone else had seen it except perhaps the head of the sect. And that Xue Meng was not an alpha, but an alpha-like beta, he also knew; even when Xue Meng reacted strangely to your smell, without showing any attempts at an obvious struggle for dominance, clearly softened by your concern for his emotions, but at the same time fought with Mo Ran — a typical alpha — like alpha. That was why he realized that Chu Wanning was not a beta.

Chu Wanning, without realizing it, was looking at you the same way SHI MEI is looking at you — and SHI MEI, sitting here, carefully chastely unbuttoning your shirt, without throwing an extra glance at your skin, he will prefer to look at it when you yourself give consent in the future, understands perfectly well that he and Chu Wanning are too similar.

He didn't want to rush things, but he wasn't going to even potentially give anyone a chance — and the sight of how you and shizun got along too well provoked rage and jealousy.

... The flower does not grow without suitable soil — his hands tremble when he gently strokes your skin, but SHI MEI believes that everything will be fine. A flower needs time before it starts to grow, but with a piece of his soul and no one knowing what has just happened, it will be easy. He just needs to wait a bit. Your eyelashes are trembling, but he gently strokes your hair, intertwining your fingers with his, staying close. Now he will always be there.

Now you're not going anywhere.

ωαβ You purr so affectionately when SHI MEI gently rubs against your neck, leaving his scent in a possessively charming gesture.

Smiling lovingly, hugging your omega, you can't help but feel so happy that if you had a tail, you would wag it with delight — even if you are sure that he would do exactly the same. Your sweet and shy SHI MEI. Your fragile, elegant, beautiful SHI MEI. With a white cape, straight shiny black hair, glowing eyes and blooming sensual features, as if his whole appearance was like a blooming flower, — definitely dangerous, but so alluring, — but if it was SHI MEI, then you would even eat poison from his hands.

You love SHI MEI, you really love SHI MEI, even if he is so possessive and clingy, not loving when there is anyone around you and hating other people's smells on you — but you are completely fine with that, letting him cling to your side; after all, he is so adorable that you there's really nothing to do but accept and understand, gently teasing your sweet moody omega when his cold fingers slide over your chest again, laying head on your shoulder, closing eyes, purring.

SHI MEI is fragile and refined, with a beautiful thin waist and full of venomously enchanting charm, as if acting as an example of the words 'beauty can only be demonic' — but your omega can only be a celestial who descended from heaven to be near you, and for this you close your eyes to everything, even when soft arms are wrapped around you, leading away from others, not wanting you to waste time on anyone other than him, lightly biting the skin of your neck until there are small scarlet marks like tiny flowers.

You don't notice yourself when you become surrounded only by him — and no one else. It was as if he was a whirlpool into which you were sucked without any possibility of getting out, and you can only flounder pitifully or relax and agree that omega, who is ready for anything just so that your gaze never comes down, is exactly what you crave.

In the end, the rest of the world gives only pain and disappointment. When was the last time you weren't happy with him? You don't remember yourself. And you could not say that he was the cause of your problems or difficult stages — rather, he was the only one who gave you support, always by your side and helping you, finding words that could dispel your storm and let the sun appear.

You can't remember many memories in which anyone other than him was kind and nice to you — after all, your omega was always the best, right?

Smiling with scarlet lips like blood, SHI MEI gently puts his head on your shoulder, inhaling your scent, purring with pleasure finally having you just for himself feeling so joyful and blessed that the tips of his fingers tremble slightly — but immediately warm up when you gently kiss them, asking carefully, don't is your omega cold; since that time you are no longer sick, you have become much more attentive to your body, so he can use your cape while you go inside the building.

It would be problematic if the future father of your puppies got sick from lack of your care, wouldn't it?

A shy blush touches his cheeks, but he doesn't deny it in any way, nodding timidly, even more reminiscent of a fragile flower that you want to take care of and cherish for the rest of your days.

Such a cutie.

Wherever he goes, you will follow.

After all, your omega is the only and most precious thing you have.

And if he wants, the whole world will turn to dust.

Because he is the only thing you have and who has ever loved you.

ωαx Shi Mei understands that something is wrong when you don't want to 'hug' him, although he was sure that enough time had passed since he planted a flower in you. Undoubtedly, you are gentle to him — and affectionate — and allow him to leave a scent on you — and do not mind his touch — but there is no this in your eyes. Your eyes have the sparkle of comets, but they don't have that in them.

There is no adoration.

He is sure that the flower is in you — the flower should be in you — but nothing happens. It seemed that the flower withered in you. But that's impossible, right? After all, SHI MEI is sure that you have the soil for the flower — he knows that in another time line the flower has grown in you — but now it is not so. He is still your 'senior fellow student, just an omega' who can leave a smell and on whom you can leave a smell, but nothing more. Just members of a pack led by beta...

Not beta.

Chu Wanning no longer smells like beta-like omega.

SHI MEI knew before that he was not a beta — but when a strong, viscous fragrance filled everything around, especially clinging to your skin and clothes when he rubbed against you in an almost possessive gesture, removing any strangers, for a moment he is confused, not understanding why shizun smells like an alpha, although he's sure he's an omega. Right? Chu Wanning should be an omega — after all, you react so calmly to his presence, but when SHI MEI looks at Mo Ran, he sees nothing but horror and humility in him, even if he tries to hide it, like a dog waiting for a blow. The smell of Chu Wanning is not light and barely noticeable, but strong, especially when you return from a little work in the Red Lotus Pavilion — it seems that you smelled of apple blossoms through and through, from which SHI MEI almost does not feel your own smell, although you assure that there was nothing and shizun just has a strong smell.

'Strong smell'? Chu Wanning smells fresh, a little tart, airily reminiscent of a woody fragrance, but having obvious notes associated with apple blossoms, and, according to your statements before you were his mate in the past — 'absolutely divine', but never so viscous, enveloping and at the same time icy, as if penetrating into the lungs and knocking everyone down.

What is the point of SHI MEI trying to leave his scent on you if you are constantly being overwhelmed by the smell of Chu Wanning? And why is Chu Wanning constantly rubbing against you in this life, much more sticky than in his previous life, which is not strange for the head of the pack, but is strange for him?

And why is the flower not growing?

[katzkinder]

I'm really, really in love with the way Servamp does lawless's conflict resolution with his feelings towards Ophelia. Seeking out Eves which reminded him of her visually, the way he used those Eves to hurt himself and reinforce the unhealthy world view he held, the way the person he was angry at all along was himself, and how his inability to forgive his own actions, to confront that he made the wrong choice, is given in parallel to Kuro's own struggles with killing Germaine and his feelings about that, the way that Licht is not a replacement for Ophelia but consistently, without fail, shown to be precious to Lawless in a way completely separate to Lawless's complicated feelings towards Ophelia and her decisions…

like it would have been sooo easy to write Licht "curing" Lawless, or to make Ophelia out to be a villain in Lawless's story, the girl who is vilified because she never returned his love in the way that he wanted, but never ever ever does this happen

There's no cheesy comparison of "you're like her," no visual similarities, even their personalities are different to a T, and Lawless cherishes them both as individuals so fucking much

even in the place Licht occupies in Lawless's life, that part of his heart he resides in, there's nothing to indicate that Lawless will ever stop loving Ophelia or holding her as special, and I really super love it because way too often stories Do That. The bereaved aren't allowed to hold on to their grief and the love it's born from. they have to Move On and by Move On the author means to forget and stop caring, but people don't work like that, and a relationship built on trying to replace the place another person occupied in your life is doomed to failure.

Lawless's name, The One and Only, isn't about him and never has been

It's been about how he treats others when he's at his best self

Hell, even at his lowest point, contrary to what he says, his actions belie the truth

Individuals are unique beings worthy of remembrance, and being Greed, he will hold the memories of the people who have entered and exited his life like a treasure to be hoarded, and never let it go

And then there's the way LawKuro have the same issue presented in completely different ways, and the way the core of this arc is confronting the things that frighten you, of accepting that you were wrong and it's okay to regret that but you cannot allow it to consume you

That you would have made a different decision if you didn't try so hard to justify yourself as correct, if you were a little more selfish in how you went about things, and I think all of us have made choices we regretted because we wanted to make someone we loved happy or we felt we had no other option because of some obligation or other, and then we let those feelings fester, and how good does it feel when we finally accept that we made wrong choices?

It's hard to swallow and it hurts and it's almost impossible to do when the only one you have to hold yourself accountable is yourself

I love that even thought Licht and Mahiru are the ones getting in their Servamp's faces, the only thing they're really doing is just… Refusing to let them run away from that accountability anymore

In the end, the choice to heal is one only their Servamps can make

They can prop them up and give them tools and be a shoulder to lean on, but they can't decide for them whether what they did is correct or not

Lawless and Kuro have already, deep down, decided that truth for themselves

[yellowstarwater]

Okay everyone I woke up randomly at 3AM and instead of going back to sleep decided to binge watched Part Two of Inside Job which spoiler alert only has eight episodes this time?!!! What the fuck?!!!! Any way these are some of my takeaways from this season. I will be doing an episode by episode analysis later but for now theses are my initial thoughts!

Spoiler Warning!!!!!!!!Seriously do not read if you don’t want the season to be spoiled!!!!

First let’s get the biggest part of the season out of the way the Reagan and Ron relationship(romantic relationship) And I know I might end up pissing off some shippers, who might have ended up liking them together. But they were doomed from the start and this was hinted at from the start of their relationship. I will go into more detail when I do the episode by episode analysis but if you look at it objectively it’s true. Now let me admit to you now that I am a Breagan shipper(and yes I will be talking about the few good moments we got this season) but the running theme for most of Reagan and Ron’s relationship was one them both wanting different things when it came to their careers and two stuff going wrong whenever an issue about their relationship came up. Ron made it clear from the beginning that he wanted out of working for the shadow government. He was tired and guilty and only stuck around longer because he fell in love with Reagan. He doesn’t want to stay and change things for the better because deep down he doesn’t think it is possible. Reagan in the meantime resents her job but deep down isn’t ready to give it up completely. She believes that she can change things for the better and wants to be in charge of making those changes happen. And even though she would be much better off walking away and forgetting her job and just being with Ron. She knows that she’ll never be able to completely stop because that’s who she is. And this is why their relationship would probably have never worked out. They were not on the same page from the very beginning. I do believe that overall this was a good relationship for Reagan to have in the long run but it was never healthy even Mothman pointed it out!

Now for the next important part of the season Rand’s progression and eventual downfall. While we can all agree that Rand is an asshole. This season goes out of its way to tell you that the reason for Rand’s behavior is because he wants what he believes to be his old happy life. To the point of rebooting reality just to get to a universe where both his ex-wife and daughter still love him. The downside is of course that nothing he does brings him what he wants it’s brings the gang to some of the things they think they want but they end up being wrong. And betraying the shadow government makes him end up in jail. This was a great example of how trying to make thing’s perfect for yourself could actually make everything else a lot worse. As for JR I would feel sorry for him if he hadn’t been willing to blow up the universe because he didn’t get an alternative perfect life. I do get why he is the way he is though!

Next we have the Reagan and Gigi friendship. No notes I loved it even though they try to explain away the change by pointing out that Reagan has no female friends. I thought it was sweet that Gigi was there for Reagan, giving her advice and helping out when needed. I hope their friendship continues.

Next Glenn, Myc and Andre, I’m grouping them all together because yes they have some good new developments here and there but they don’t really change overall. We just understand Myc slightly better after his High School reunion.

And now for all the Breagan shippers out there! I was worried going in that with Ron as Reagan’s love interest that there wouldn’t be any good Breagan shipping moments but god was I glad to be wrong! From Brett trying to get Reagan to go to therapy for her own good to Reagan being there to help Brett at least stand up a little to his family. To Reagan also deciding to keep her best friend out of danger and to Brett encouraging her to leave even though he would miss her was just pure shipping gold. (Again I will go into more detail in the episode by episode analysis) If the writers goal was to get me to ship them more then they succeeded! Because Reagan and Brett continue to have the most solid relationship of anyone in the show!

Final thoughts, while I know a lot of people were turned off by Ron I do think he was needed for Reagan’s journey(which wow kind of sounds missed up that way) I do like that he was a red herring, where I’m sure we all thought he was secretly a villain (or Reagan’s secret brother) we were all expecting him to turn on Reagan but he never did and that is nice. While I’m not sure if he would ever come back I think his ending made sense for what we learned about him. And despite being heartbroken right now I hope that Reagan will still eventually try to move on with someone else(cough Brett cough cough) I would hate to see her not trying to have a New Romantic relationship because she thinks Ron is the only person who could ever love her.

PS

Tamiko did you really just break up with Keanu Reeves because he was older than you thought!!!😤 That is so stupid but in canon with the idea that I had that Tamiko only dates younger men.

PSS

If anyone is wondering when I’ll update my story ‘Probably not a good idea but we were drunk’ I just want to say that I was waiting for the new season! So that I could add elements of it to my fanfic. Plus I have a ton of other fanfics, plus I started working on my Master’s degree this month….plus I have a YouTube and a TikTok account for tarot readings! The point is I am only 32 and am doing a lot! I will update soon….or at least before the end of this year I just got to rewatch this series again!



[aq2003]

almost forgot. ten's run episode ranking (nine ranking here)

some stray thoughts and opinions under the cut

my overall ranking for the series so far would be 4 > 1 >= 3 > 2. donna sweep babygirl

"i have brain damage" tier would've been called "the qpr meth has gotten to me" but then i remembered how absolutely glued to the screen i was for sound of drums <3 all of the other episodes there are either donna episodes or episodes where ten goes through horrors specifically bc donna isn't there and sound of drums is the exception lmao

by default i think simm!master is the best main villain in ten's run. he is still very goofy like the cybermen and the daleks (and 98% of the villains in this show really) but simm!master has that toxic doomed yaoi backing him and that means everything in the world. rtd drop your simm!master spotify playlist

it is SO CRAZY how an episode called "planet of the ood" can make me cry. but it did. and i love it for it. i love the ood so much. they are my little guys

stolen earth/journey's end was my least favorite arc in main series 4 - which is just a testament to how much i loved the rest of it lmao. like i still rly liked the finale, and the scene of davros pointing out that ten turned their friends into soldiers and how it was framed almost like they were being put on trial. Was so fucking juicy. but it felt overall like the story was doing that "trying to include everyone" thing and the pacing felt off as a result. like i rly needed the donna mind wipe scene to be longer it was goin so fast i couldn't process it

42 goes so crazy and i love it so much bc to me it is the defining tenmartha episode. you have that showcase of deep inherent trust, of swearing to save each other, of being the person the other needs bc is there anyone else. but you also have ten screaming at her to kill him so that he won't hurt anyone and then at the end, deflecting and refusing to talk w her about it. "burn with me martha" is like that previously-unspoken-now-brought-to-front undercurrent to their whole relationship and ten says it while being possessed by a rageful vindictive sun. waow

i really dislike the temporary companions (astrid and christina in voyage of the damned and planet of the dead respectively). not the characters themselves but the timing and role they have in the story and how they're framed. i do understand that part of ten's character is that he gets attached very easily and can't stand being on his own, but also for astrid this was directly post-martha where ten's realized he's been fucking up her life by acting the way he did. and for christina this was post-donna and pre-time-lord-victorious. forming a friendship that ends w/ tragedy or ten pushing them away i can see, but romantic tension is pushing it HARD. which leads me to my next deranged point

ten is aroace to me i'm so sorry society he clocked the aroace meter the minute the story decided to introduce donna and then in series 4 make them the soulmates of all time while there isnt a HINT of romantic tension between them. and there is something so narratively aspec about ten being created by and for love but sometimes his love isn't enough/isn't the right kind and everyone will leave or find someone else. being an alien can be a metaphor for being aroace if i'm crazy enough about it (and also if their humanity is a constant theme to their arc that is hammered in time and time again)

i forgot i was supposed to talk about the episodes hold on a second

one of the most out of body experiences i had was watching love and monsters, really quite liking it (despite finding the ending weird) because it's a grounded and solid episode w strong characterization and really great jackie and rose moments, only to find out this episode is nearly universally despised by the dr who fanbase. help girl

the human ten arc probably has the most underrated villains in the show. i just really love that concept of monsters that need to eat timelords in order to survive, and ten giving them one chance to be spared of his rage and die peacefully by turning himself into a human for a hot minute. it's just really neat idk.

time lord victorious my babygirl. like oh my god i was wondering for the entire time how the fuck does ten go from "vain/overconfident but at heart always driven by his love for others" to "god complex" and the answer to this question is "you take away everyone he cares about and make him watch more and more people die in front of him until he just fucking snaps". at the end of waters of mars i was almost expecting him to knock 4 times on the tardis door himself and was so glad it didnt happen. etc etc. i'm also really glad that it doesn't last for more than 5 minutes. what he does essentially haunts him for the rest of his (short) life and that's so so important

end of time part 2 doesn't get a ranking. it is simultaneously the best episode and worst episode. it made me cry my eyes out three separate times. like it's not even an episode anymore it's like an experience. specifically one akin to watching a good friend you made over the course of 16 days die in front of you. i felt my soul being sucked out and i wont ever feel anything again (until the 60th anniversary specials fix me). god fucking bless

but pairing up martha and mickey out of nowhere was so so fucking bad and i need to actually murder whoever made that decision

[mygloviesme]

cool about it. || myg

no. 8: trying to forget about it

predebut/debut!yoongi x female idol

summary: kanako is an established idol with a growing career and a secret relationship with a producer from her label, haneul. when she’s asked to work with yoongi and rm to create a track for her, she gains unexpected feelings for a certain upcoming rapper. with her increasing fame, her controlling boyfriend, a set of six boys who seem to have grown an attachment to her, and a new boy who’d give her the world, how will she figure out a way to balance it all?

(definitely inspired by boygenius)

word count: 3.5k

genre: ANGST, friends(?) to lovers, slow burn, lots of pining, slight fluff

chapter warnings: toxic relationship (not w/myg), mentions of mental health

inspo song: silver springs (live at warner brothers studip) by fleetwood mac

"I know i could have loved you, but you would not let me."

MARCH 3RD, 2012, 11:59PM

I’ve still managed to keep myself awake even though everyone started snoring the minute their heads hit the pillow. Which was 30 minutes ago. I knew they had to start recording early tomorrow and working on their debut album, but it didn’t help that my sleep schedule had messed up due to my lack of responsibilities. Which, resulted in me doom-thinking until 2am most nights. Yes, I’ve named it doom-thinking because of the absence of my phone. It surprises me too, how I’ve managed without it. But it’s almost peaceful, if it wasn’t for my negative ideas that storm my headspace to make up for it. 

“Go to sleep.” I hear Yoongi say, groggily. I know he doesn’t like his sleep to be interrupted and me shifting around under the comforters probably doesn’t help. 

“I…can’t.” I admit. 

I hear his body turn over, and I lean towards the edge of the bed, resting my cheek on the border of the mattress. I try to adjust my eyes to see his face and can make up some features but it’s mostly his eyes. They just sparkle even in the darkness, what can I say? Like stars.

I make out the sound of his deep breath, which I presume to be a sigh. 

“What’re you thinking about?” He fixes his gaze to look into mine. 

“Just…him.” I mutter. He’s not the ideal person to be confiding in about Haneul, but I know he’s my friend before anything else.

“I see.” 

“Do you want to meet me outside…on the balcony?” I whisper. 

I see him nod and I quietly move from the bed, Yoongi following suit. I unlock the door and open it, unable to stop the loud creak it makes which causes a wince from me. We both rush out and I look back to see Yoongi grabbing a blanket in a brisk move, being the one to close the balcony door. We both take a breath of relief, hoping no one heard. 

He takes my hand and brings me down to the tile ground near the railing. We both sit next to each other in front of the quiet road as he unfolds the thick blanket and drapes it over our connected shoulders. He tugs at the end of my side of the blanket, making sure I’m fully covered. 

“That okay?” He asks and I reply with a soft bob of the head. 

He confidently takes my hand again, this time only placing his palm on the top of my hand. 

“What about him?” He breaks the ice.

I hum, looking to the stars. “Just how painful it all is.” 

He squeezes my hand and follows my gaze to the stars as well. 

The quiet outside is nice and unheard of lately. Usually it’s blocked by all the fans and paparazzi that stand outside at 5am, no later, no earlier. 

“I just,” I say, knowing there’s tears to come. “It seems like I can’t catch a break. Like I'm always wondering when the next bad thing will happen.” Uh-oh, the wall is crashing down. 

“I understand that.” He whispers. 

There’s now tears running down my face, and I let myself look at him, look at me. Vulnerability and all. His hand trails to underneath my chin and wipes the clear liquid that’s pooling around it. He keeps his hand there for a while, moving to my cheek. 

“Yoongi, I have something to admit.” I choke. Slow down, Kanako, what’re you doing? 

Don’t say it, don’t say it. This is enough for now. If you cross that line there’s no going back. He’ll leave you and convince the others to, too. You’ll be lonely all over again. 

I jolt my head away from him and his hand, looking down and blinking the tears away. I shrug the blanket off my shoulder and hold the tile floor to balance myself as I get up. To avoid this, whatever this is. Whatever we are. Running away. 

“Kanako, don’t do that.” He said as I was about to turn on my heels. 

I look back to him, the blanket falling from his body as he reaches for me. 

“I can’t do this. I don’t want to-”

“Don’t want to what? Tell me. Please.” He pleads. He leans his body forward, hand still floating in the air and waiting. I clench my hand in a fist before relaxing it, but I still don’t accept his hand. I stand there, looking away from him. Don’t make me say it. Please. 

“Kanako..” He whispers and gets up from his position, closening our bodies. His hands travel to my forearms and he’s looking at me so intently. That same glimmer, sparkle in his eyes that I’ve gotten to know so well. His fingers are long and slender, and they fit around me perfectly. Like a glove. We’re almost eye level but he’s still a few inches taller than me. It’s all too perfect, all too destined. Like this was always meant to be. His heart near mine, our minds connected with the flick of sparks above us. He has the key to me, but I don’t remember giving it to him. 

I have his full attention which is something I’ve never experienced before. I wish he’d stop being so flawless. He mirrors my worried look but he pulls it off much better, easier. He’s holding me like water in his hands. But even with the cracks between his fingers, still no drops have yet to fall. He’s so careful with me. How is it that I feel like I’ve known him my whole life?

I’m not a bomb to him, I’m not ticking with only seconds left. He makes me feel like we have forever. More tears, more silent sobs. I tuck my head in his shoulder and he pulls me in. His long arms are wrapped around my fragile body. It’s like I’m scattered with shards of glass but he’s still willing to get cut. Like I’m ridden with poison but he’ll still drink me in. This is so hard but he makes it so much easier. Like her, like my mother. Like home. 

“Let me love you. Let all of us love you.” He says, and I know it’s only platonically. But his plea sounds like he needs a door to open for it to become romantic with him. Like he has that key in his back pocket but he needs permission to open it. He won’t barge in. Not like Haneul. He won’t break my door down, shatter my windows, set me on fire. He’ll wait outside patiently with a flower in his hand and words of comfort. He’ll wait. For me?

I reply with more crying, soaking his shoulder. He rocks me slightly side by side. Small shh, shh’s, escape his mouth. He hums in my ear and comforts me in this moment, under the stars. Under the universe. Reaching a hand out before crossing the road with me, packing my lunch for me, waiting for me as I tie my shoes. That’s what he exudes. 

“Let’s go inside and let me hold you, ‘kay? Nothing tied to it, just me helping you sleep.” He reassures me, and for once I look up to him and wipe my tears, nodding. He dips to grab the blanket before holding my waist and opening the door. 

I spot a dim light being on in the corner of the room and see Jungkook sitting patiently on his bed. He looks to me and Yoongi, “Can I join you guys?” He murmurs sleepily, rubbing his eyes. I feel Yoongi’s grip loosen and he gestures to the small bed that’s supposedly going to fit the three of us. 

Yoongi is the first to slide in, me going next, and Jungkook completing the sandwich. Jungkook is almost like a child the way he needs my affection. But I don’t mind it, it’s comforting. Like I said, I like that they need me. Want me, platonically for the most part. Plus it makes sleeping with Yoongi easier if I feel like we’re just friends snuggling together, nothing more. He did say that initially, but I know it wasn’t entirely true. I couldn’t help the way I watched him close eyes, having the biggest urge to reach my hand into his hair. Friend’s do that, but not the way I wanted to. 

I can imagine it now, feeling the black strands between my fingers like silk. Traveling it down to his eyes and circling them slowly, feeling ease that I know what it’s like to touch him. To feel his skin beneath my fingers. I scoot my head closer to him, Jungkook’s hold on me tightening. Me and Yoongi aren’t holding each other at all, but I feel like we are, with how close we’ve become. I press my forehead against his and sleep at last, putting my thoughts at ease. Giving myself a break for once. 

MARCH 4TH, 2012, 9:22AM

I wake gently to the lack of Jungkook’s embrace and Yoongi’s breath. The dorm is empty and looks like it’s been rummaged through with the way clothes are scattered all around the floor. I wipe the sleep from my eyes and stretch, before going to the bathroom and brushing my teeth with the spare they have for me. It’s ridiculous, I know, considering my dorm is only across from theirs, but that’s just how thoughtful they are. Or at least Namjoon, the one who got me the toothbrush anyway. I splash some water on my face and pat it down, taking a slow breath as I walk about the dorm. 

Although today, I’m not sure I want to be stuck with my thoughts, all alone. So I throw on another set of whoever’s clothes I see in the closet and slide on my shoes, leaving to go watch the boys as they practice. 

I walk down the halls down to the elevator, humming to myself as It sends me to the bottom. BigHit wasn’t overflowing with money, but they spent it on smart things. Like a working elevator, to avoid having to walk down many stairs. But with how much they want us to diet and exercise, you’d think they’d ban us from taking the elevator. 

The doors part open and I see a group of staff members who give me a warm smile. I respond with one back, feeling a joyous sensation in my heart. It’s nice having it be such a safe space for me here now, and I’m eternally grateful for Bang-PD for doing that. I know other companies would’ve kicked me out for this scandal. But not Bang, he has this unbelievable faith in his idol’s that I’m not sure anyone outside of here could understand.  

I approach the doors of the practice room, peering inside the small window. I see the boys all dancing in unison to what I come to know later as their debut song. It’s a little silly seeing them so focused and driven, bodies sweating and breathing fastening. But I feel proud when I observe them. Maybe I won’t renew my contract. If I stay, they’ll only be tied to my scandal. We’ll have to sit apart during award shows, not hang out in public. Just because of me and what I did. 

I’ll think about that more later. 

Once I see them settle down I open the doors, seeing a beaming Jungkook stand to wrap me in an embrace. 

“Kanako, why are you here?” He exclaims like there’s something wrong. 

We pull apart and I scrunch my eyebrows, “Because I missed you all?”

“Look at her! She was just cuddling up with Yoongi and Jungkook but she still misses us!” Hoseok dramatically falls to the floor with his hand on his head like a damsel in distress. I chuckle, “Okay, okay. I was just lonely. It’s either watch TV or watch you guys.” I gush. 

Like every time, I look for Yoongi but sense his absence. “Where’s Yoongi?” I ask while I dart my eyes around the room. 

“Oh, he’s in the studio. Says he got a surge of inspiration. Wonder what that’s about…” Jimin teases. “You should go visit him, I’m sure he’d like your company.” He adds. 

“Yeah I think he’d like more than that.” Namjoon shakes his head while receiving a shove from Seokjin. Jungkook pouts at me, “Don’t leave yet Kanako, we want to show you our dance.” 

I tilt my head, “Jungkook, I've seen you guys dance plenty of times before. Plus, it’ll be quick. I just want to say hi, okay?” I caress his arm. He slouches and nods in defeat, returning to be sat with the rest of the boys. I give them one last wave, “I’ll be back in a moment!” I say and proceed to walk down the hall, to the right, where the studio is. The studio where I met him. 

It’s also the hallway I’ve avoided these past two weeks. But for Yoongi, I persevere. Looking away from where Haneul had me, like it’s a horrible car crash that I can look away from. I keep my head down like a scolded puppy, and I know I must look weird if anyone were to see me right now. But I try to not get embarrassed from how far I’m willing to go to contain my sanity. 

I reach my hand to give it a couple knocks, hearing Yoongi. 

“Leave me alone, Namjoon.” 

“Uh, it’s Kanako.”

The door swings open, and he stands there with messy hair and his pj’s. 

“Oh, sorry. Namjoon has been trying to get me to practice but-”

“You’ve been working on a song?” I ask, looking over his shoulder to see an opened laptop and scattered notepad paper. He scratches the back of his neck, “Uh- trying to, at least.” He mumbles. 

I walk towards the paper, picking one up before he snatches it from my hand quickly. He shuffles them all together and taps them on the table in place. “It’s not finished, and it’s kind of dumb.” I place my hand over his, “I’m sure it isn't. Can I read, please?” 

He lets me win this time, handing over one piece of paper. “This idea just popped in my head, it-it’s nothing. It probably won’t make it to this album but…” He says quietly. I read the top of the paper that says, in bold letters, Just One Day. 

There’s only a few lines, but I read it attentively. 

If only I had just one day

I want to peacefully fall asleep intoxicated with your sweet scent

If there’s a chance in my busy schedule

I want to put my body in your warm and deep eyes

I like that, your long, straight hair

Your breathtaking neck when you

Put it up and the strands that fall out

This isn’t about me, right? It can’t be. There’s no way he’d write a song about me. Not even Haneul did that, and we dated for ten months. I’ve known Yoongi for a much shorter time span, it’s just-

“It’s about you.” He blurts out. He tightens his lip as if he never intended on saying those words. And a sinking feeling in my chest wishes he didn’t either. We held hands, slept together, nearly kissed, but this was too much for me to bear. It seemed so intimate, I knew the line that I had set had been crossed. But the real question was, is this a line that had never existed in the first place? Was it only to lurk back into the shadows, hiding away from any sort of care or love anyone could have for me ever again?

“I-”

“You don’t have to say anything, Kanako. Just let me be a boy writing a song about a girl. Nothing in between.”

“No one’s ever done this for me before.” I say, feebly. 

He takes my hands, his palms warm and welcoming, “Then let me be the first.” 

Corny, but genuine. 

My eyes carry from his hands to his eyes, giving a disheartened smile. I don’t feel like I’m worth a song. He takes me and sits me down on the rolly chair next to his. He takes the paper from my hands and looks over to the chair behind us, “You were there when we met for the first time.”

I giggle softly, almost embarrassed. “Yes, unfortunately.”

He backs away from me in playful shock, “Unfortunately?” 

I blow a raspberry, “Well I just wish it could’ve been more of a natural meeting. Like a meet-cute.”

“I’m sorry Kanako, but I think that’s as meet-cute as it gets.” 

“You may be right about that.” I laugh, looking back over to the chair. 

I smile to myself warmly, my curiosity getting the best of me. “What is it?” He asks. 

I turn to him again, “What did you think of me when you first met me?”

He leans back in his chair, whispering a slight ‘ahh’ and nodding. His stare moves to the ceiling, thinking for a while. He tightens his mouth in a line again before sucking in his teeth, “Do you want the full truth? Or the I'm-trying-not-to-embarrass myself truth?” He asks. 

I hum, “Both.”

MAY 11TH, 2011, 7:15

I’m sitting on Haneul’s lap in his personal studio. It’s much nicer than the other one, due to the amount of money he seems to flock in with every hit he produces. He’s writing something down as I look around the room, admiring the photographs and paintings he has set up. 

His sets his pen down and wraps his arms around me, looking at me from above.

“Something on your mind, bee?” He asks. I love when he calls me that. He’s created many pet names for me, this one we use as a code name when we’re around other people. It’s like an undercover baby. They all think we’re just a pair of talented people who work well together. 

I nod, “What did you think when you first met me?” 

He smirks and grabs my wrist to place soft kisses up my arm, moving his hand to my chin to pull me down for a kiss. “Well, we were in the conference room when we first met, right?”

“Yes, that’s right.” I whisper. 

He purrs into my mouth, deepening our kiss before pulling away. He has that same smirk, and I wait eagerly for his answer. I knew you were the one. It was love at first sight. I wanted to be around you all the time. You were so funny, Kanako. Your smile felt so warm. I just wanted to-

“-bend you over on that glass table and pound into you.” He whispers in my ear. I sit still while his tongue traces my ear lobe, clueless as to what to say. That’s not what I expected, but it creates a reaction beneath my underwear. He doesn’t hesitate to slip his hand down my shorts, dipping his finger between my lips. I moan quietly from the sudden motion. 

It’s not what I wanted, but it’s what he needs. 

MARCH 4TH, 2012, 10:02AM 

“The half truth is, I liked you. I liked your voice and the way you connected with the music like I did. I thought we were very similar.” He puts it simply. 

I raise my eyebrow amusingly, “And the whole truth?”

He throws his head back and laughs with scarlet cheeks, “It’s uh- dumb.” He settles. 

I tilt my head and pout, taking that move from Taehyung. “Can’t be that bad.” Oh, yes it can. 

“Okay, okay.” He sighs. “I really liked you.” 

I give him a light shove on his shoulder, “Yoongi….”

“Alright, I’ll be serious.”

“Thank you.”

Our eyes lock, “You were so…perfect. Like, obviously I’ve seen you on TV and social media and I knew you were…well, you know. But I felt like I couldn’t even believe that you existed, and that you looked like that, and you were in front of me. I mean, when you asked me to rap on your song, Kanako…I think I died.”

“So you were a fangirl.”

His expression changes, falling flat. “No. I admired you. You were so talented like I thought you’d be, but you exceeded my expectations.” 

I fiddle with his wrist, writing lines along his veins with my fingers. “And when you saw me in the hallway?” I whisper, fearful. 

He removes his hands and uses them to cup my face, “Same thing, Kanako. I was just confused, but I didn’t think of you any different.”

“Really?”

He seems taken aback from my surprise, “I mean, he was my senior. I thought he was a good guy but-”

“But?”

He caresses my cheek with his thumb, “That changed. I wanted to protect you.”

Protect me? Wait-

When a thought pushes to the start of my tongue, I can't help it from rolling off. “Were you the one that told Bang about me and Haneul?” I ask in one single breath. 

click here to read more of this story!

an: it was so fun writing this one! I loved playing around with kanako and yoongi’s dynamic. keep in mind kanako is 18 and yoongi is also supposed to be 18 (i think I did the math right) so they’re kind of evolving as they go due to being teenagers. don’t hate on my girl kanako she’s going through it, truly. also, I had a very different idea for this chapter and ended up deleting all of it because it really did not fit the story. bc probably like most of you reading this, I’m also very inpatient with their love story. this is actually something I wouldn’t have read myself in the past, admittedly, but as I get older I like taking my time with romance, as well as reading slow romance. anyway!

all love! will probably squeeze out another chapter tonight so stay tuned! it is 4:00 pm 10/10/23 as i publish this 🌚

[thethistlegirlwrites]

Songs and Ships Tag

Thanks so much for tagging me @talesofsorrowandofruin , I'm putting this on my Writeblr instead of my main because I'm doing some OCs for this...

Rules: write about two to five songs from them that represent your a ship between your OCs (it can be platonic or romantic or a secret third thing). Then add a quote from said WIP (if possible!) underneath it.

I'm going to do this for Sierra and Shay because I'm kind of obsessed with their dynamic right now...

They both come to the situation with so much past baggage and issues, and I love how over the course of the story the perspective shifts as to which of them is the real monster (and then starts asking whether anyone is too monstrous to change, and where we go from there if we do).

The Unforgiven II by Metallica

Lay beside me and tell me what they've done And speak the words I wanna hear to make my demons run The door is locked now but it's open if you're true If you can understand the me then I can understand the you Yeah, what I've felt, what I've known Sick and tired, I stand alone Could you be there? 'Cause I'm the one who waits for you Or are you unforgiven too?

2. Flaws by Bastille

All of your flaws and all of my flaws They lie there hand in hand Ones we've inherited, ones that we learned They pass from man to man You have always worn your flaws upon your sleeve And I have always buried them deep beneath the ground Dig them up; let's finish what we've started Dig them up, so nothing's left untouched All of your flaws and all of my flaws, When they have been exhumed We'll see that we need them to be who we are Without them we'd be doomed

3. What I've Done by Linkin Park

Put to rest What you thought of me While I clean this slate With the hands of uncertainty So let mercy come and wash away What I've done I'll face myself To cross out what I've become Erase myself And let go of what I've done For what I've done I start again And whatever pain may come Today this ends I'm forgiving What I've done

4. Gravel on the Ground by John Denver

So let's walk the road together. Who knows what we'll find tomorrow; Maybe good times, maybe sorrow will be waitin' 'round the bend. Given time, two hearts discover what they're feelin' for each other; At the best we'll end up lovers, at the least we'll make a friend. But life ain't no easy freeway, just some gravel on the ground. You pay for every mile you go, to spread some dust around. Though we all have destinations, and the dust will settle down; But life ain't no easy freeway, just some gravel on the ground.

I had to have ONE road trip adjacent song in this list given that's literally the entirety of Compass, and I tried to put these in some logical progression of the relationship?

Anyway, here's a snippet:

Sierra walks over and kicks the chair. Shane startles awake, blinking in the lowering sunlight. “Huh?”

“Got a proposition for you. You told me a pretty good story back there. Enough I think I might believe you. If I’m right, then either I go toe to toe with my agency, or I let you go. Either way, my career is most likely over. But if I let an innocent…person…die, then it ought to be.” 

“What are you saying?”

“I don’t think you lied to me. I don’t know why you didn’t tell anyone else the truth already, but I think you’ve told me now. Which means somewhere in LA, a murderer is still on the loose, we’re the only ones who know that, and we need to find them in case they kill again. And I’d rather do it with you. You’re the closest witness to the crime. We need you in the middle of the investigation, not a thousand miles away. After this is over, if you still think the stake is your best option, we’ll do what’s best for you.” She leans on the back of the seat. “What do you say? Do you want to spend the last days of your life in a cell, or would you rather look the bastard who framed you in the eyes when we take him down?”

No Pressure Tagging @nade2308 @catwingsathena @telltaleclerk and anyone else who sees this and wants to jump in!