#right after i watched those episodes in crystalized with him and jay

[rivvode]

silly little fella

[sins-and-wins-with-vix]

Everything Right/Wrong with Ninjago “Legacy of the Green Ninja” E12: Return of the Overlord

Disclaimers: Show owned by lego. This is not a professional review/critique - it’s mainly intended for comedy.

Reblog, comment, and/or like! And make sure to tell me your thoughts!

- In case anyone is wondering about my mental state, I’m writing this pretty much right after watching the Crystalized finale and now listening to the intro is making me cry ✅

- Yada yada, beginning of this episode is different than the ending of last episode ❌

- “Red doesn’t seem to be your color. I think it’s time we try on a darker shade…” a darker shade of red is still red. ❌

- “Who cares about Ninjago!?” Blasphemy. The fandom is coming for you, Jay

- “Nya was my… my…ya know…” show treats the word “girlfriend” as if it’s as scandalous as saying “woman I occasionally f*ck ❌

- “I can’t fight him…” This is a tough predicament for Lloyd to be in - I wonder what familial comfort, or wise advice Wu is going to give him in these trying ti- “You must!” Yeah I really don’t know what I was expecting ❌

- “You have my fire!” “And my earth!” “And my ice!” “And lightning!” I don’t even care if this is a Lord of the Rings ripoff - Ninjago did it better ✅

- Also, Lloyd doesn’t have Jay’s lightning apparently. He just has lightning in general, but it’s not Jay’s ❌

- “We’re all in this together, kid!” Kid ✅

- The army may not have been there but it was a 10/10 entrance ✅

- “And here I was all ready to release the thunder!” Cole forgets his element ❌ (I’m hilarious I know)

- ^Lloyd! Didn’t your mother teach you not to change costumes in the middle of dramatic moments!? Kids these days ❌

- “He always wanted to turn Ninjago into his own image. Now we know how it’ll be done.” “But if he starts turning things evil…” Wait, how did we get from “he’s gonna use the weapon on Ninjago” to “he’s turning people evil?” Wouldn’t it be more likely that he’s just gonna nuke everyone or something? ❌

- “You go on without me.” No joke, when I first watched this scene all those years ago, my gut instinct was that Julien was gonna die, like right after the ninja walked away. Like we’d see the ninja fight the Overlord, then later we’d hear about how during said fight he, somewhere offscreen, had just dropped dead. To this day it is still my first thought every time I watch this.

- “Has anyone else been thinking about how this might be our final fight together?” “It’s all I’ve been thinking about.” Oh no I’m gonna start crying again, aren’t I? ✅

- “Remember that time Kai thought he was the green ninja?” *all start laughing* “He was SO NOT.” RIP Kai, burned to death by his brothers’ roasts ✅

- And, really? “Time?” As in one, SINGULAR moment when Kai thought he was the green ninja? ONE? ❌

- “You just had to destroy my tree house!” Lloyd, salty since episode 2 ✅

- “I thought [Wu] was a goner!” *bonk* “Wrong again mr. Empty head!” D*mn okay 😭 ✅

- We just glossed right over Nya learning Spinjitzu, didn’t we? ❌

- *Nya trips Lloyd* “No one does that to the green Ninja!” It’s a good thing Lloyd doesn’t go to school because Kai would murder any and all who dare bully him ✅

- “He must’ve used the ultimate weapon to turn her into his own evil image!” “Ahgjgjghg!” oh nO she groWLs😱 ❌

- “But… you said you’d always be behind me!” And they already screwed that up - they’ve been running in front of you this entire scene ❌

- Fun fact: Nya was originally going to be the master of wind, not water, which could explain how she does this sonic-like thing and stops Cole in midair, but now that her element has been changed to water it doesn’t make much sense, does it? ❌

- “So the balance has sent my son, my brother and wife to try to stop me?” Remember a few episodes back when I said you could replace words like “destiny” and “balance” with “plot convenience” and it’d actually make more sense? This is what I was talking about ❌

- “It looks like my little surprises kept the ninja busy!” Surprises? You only sent Nya. Is there another innocent civilian forcibly turned into an evil zombie just chilling around the island that no one ever found? Are they still there currently? *gasp* Ninjago: United plot line revealed?!?!👀😱 ❌

- “I don’t wanna fight you but I will if I have to. This is about more than just us - this is about what is right!” Solid line! Wait… we’re about to have a Garmadon monologue, aren’t we? A Garma-logue, one might call it? H*ll yeah I love those! ✅

- “Don’t you see? I will never do what is right - the evil in my blood can never go away! It has corrupted every ounce of my fiber, every bone in my body!” Oh it’s about to get really good isn’t it… this is like waiting for a beat drop ✅

- “I AM LORD GARMADON! Destiny took my family from me, and the only way for us to be together is to turn everything in this world into my image! Then you’ll all see what I see, feel what I feel!” ✅✅✅✅

- “You could’ve warned me it had to warm up!” “How could I? You were monologuing.” The Overlord believes in the integrity of uninterrupted Garma-logues ✅

- What is Misako’s bag made out of that it shields her from blaster fire??? ❌

- Yes, it is small, but this is the first moment that they’ve ever physically fought with each other! The slow-mo, and the way Misako gets distracted and just stares at them - I can’t even express how powerful this is ✅

- This too! We’re seeing people scream in fear before getting turned into zombies, and the “We’re losing” followed by “I win!” ✅

- “It’s four against one and I think she’s winning!” You THINK? Cole, you’re literally hanging upside down! ❌

- “Maybe we can use our powers without hurting her!” It’s taken them this long to figure out non-violent ways to use their powers? No wonder this show is rated as “fantasy violence” ❌

- “You stole that from my playbook!” Which is probably why you should’ve seen this coming sooner, especially when your entire family was literally just warning you about this exact thing ❌

- “Ninjago is mine!” “No… it was never going to be yours… IT. IS. MINE!” ✅✅✅✅✅✅✅

- I also love that when you see everyone’s faces, you can see Wu and Misako are scared but Lloyd is ready for a fight ✅

- “The metamorphosis HAS BEGUN!” ⬇️

- “Metamorphosis? What does that mean?” Kai skipped sixth grade ❌

- Overlord’s mouth movements aren’t synced with his words at all ❌

- “All this time… everything has led to this…” Not me getting goosebumps ✅

- “I’ve been planning this for thousands of years-“ “EAT GREEN!” Remember how Overlord believed in allowing others to finish their monologues? Lloyd doesn’t ✅

- “You are all alone!” “No! I’m not! My father is still in you - he won’t fight with me!” ✅

- “He is the green ninja!” Yeah, no sh*t?? Kai, where have you been the last entire season????? ❌

- ^ Jay ✅

- “Your father is… GONE!” F*ck! I’m supposed to be giving commentary but I don’t even know what to say to this ✅

- “But… the prophecy!” “Easy, kid! You’ve been through a lot!” Kid ✅

- “Destiny showed us who was stronger today… but destiny also wanted us around to fight another day. We didn’t lose the battle. Today, we just lost the fight.” ✅✅✅✅

Sentence: Get Overlorded lol

[notebooknebula]

Dan and Crystal Mewhorter - A Story of Life Changing Success in Real Estate Investing.

https://www.jayconner.com/dan-and-crystal-mewhorter-a-story-of-life-changing-success-in-real-estate-investing/

Jay Conner is joined today by Dan and Crystal Mewhorter.

Dan and Crystal used to both work full time, Crystal was in the healthcare industry and Dan was on call 24/7 supporting software for the coast guard. A few years ago the couple stepped away from their careers and entered real estate investing.

Now after four 4 years since the couple have met Jay they have raised millions of dollars in private money and private funding for their own business.

Dan and Crystal business model in real estate investing focused on a combination. Meaning 80% to 90% of their portfolio have some terms deals and the predominant piece of that percentage is in “rent to own status”. While ten (10) to twenty (20) percent are in “fixed and flip” by which are all in private funds.

An estimate of the couple’s average profit and equity is seventy two thousand dollars ($72,000.00) per house.

If you want to learn more about the recent deals that Dan and Crystal have done, how they found, funded and all the work that needed to be done to make a successful deal, just continue watching this video.

Real Estate Cashflow Conference: https://www.jayconner.com/learnrealestate/

Free Webinar: http://bit.ly/jaymoneypodcast

Jay Conner is a proven real estate investment leader. Without using his own money or credit, Jay maximizes creative methods to buy and sell properties with profits averaging $64,000 per deal.

#RealEstate #PrivateMoney #FlipYourHouse

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Jay Conner (00:00): Well, hello there and welcome to another episode of Real Estate Investing with Jay Conner. I’m Jay Conner, The Private Money Authority and your host on the show. And that this is your first time joining us. We want to give you a very, very special welcome. We talk all things real estate here on the show. We talk about investing in single family houses, commercial deals, land, self storage, any way you can think about carving up a real estate deal, we talk about it. We talk about how to find deals, how to fund deals, how to rehab them. If you’re into rehabbing, how to sell them fast, how to automate your business and actually work in the business list and 10 hours per week and make a lot of money while you’re doing it. And if you’ve been tuning into the show you know that I have amazing guest come on the show you’re with me, and today is no exception, but before I introduce my guests today, by the way, the reason you should stick around is we’re going to be talking about actual deals that are going on right now.

Jay Conner (01:13): And my guests are going to talk about how they’re finding these deals these days and what the numbers are looking like, and you’ll be able to duplicate it. But first I’ve got a free gift for everybody that is tuning in. And that is, I recently launched my membership, which is called The Private Money Academy. And in this membership we are live on Zoom coaching calls at least twice a month, and we have phenomenal content and teaching inside the membership sites. So if you’re remotely interested in getting more funding for your deals, without relying on local banks or mortgage companies and not relying on hard money lenders, cause this has got nothing to do with hard money, this is private money. If you want some more funding for your deals and not have to worry about your credit score and verification of income and all that mess.

Jay Conner (02:04): Well, get right on over to www.JayConner.com/Trial. And that’s going to give you a full month’s free access to all the benefits of the Private Money Academy. So again, that’s www.JayConner.com/Trial. Be sure and take me up on that free offer. Well, it’s now time to bring on our guest today. Oh, one more announcement. I really appreciate for you to be if you’re tuning in, on iTunes or any of the venues like that, be sure to subscribe and share and like and review particularly review of being a whole lot to me as well, I’d appreciate that. So now on our guests, my guests today are up in Virginia and we first met oh somewhere around four years ago or so, and it is amazing what they have accomplished in such a short period of time.

Jay Conner (03:12): They’ve raised millions and millions of dollars in private money and private funding for their own business. And they’ve massed a huge wealth and equity and cash since doing deals. In fact, in just the past four months up there in their market, they have purchased 16 additional houses bringing their portfolio to almost 100 houses that they have in their portfolio and their inventory. And I’m going to bring them on here in just a second to share with you how they’re finding these deals these days, how they’re getting them funded and what their business model is looking like. So with that, welcome to the show, Dan and Crystal Mewhorter.

Crystal Mewhorter (03:55): Hey Jay.

Dan Mewhorter (03:55): Hey Jay.

Jay Conner (03:57): Hello, good to see you. And didn’t we have just a fantastic time last week here in Eastern North Carolina at my live event, The Real Estate Cashflow Conference.

Dan Mewhorter (04:09): Absolutely

Crystal Mewhorter (04:09): So much fun. It was so great to be in person with all the students.

Dan Mewhorter (04:13): Yeah.

Jay Conner (04:13): And we had our Mastermind meeting last, let’s see a week ago last Monday and Tuesday, two full days. That’s our top elite group Mastermind members from all over the nation. So yeah, we had us a full week, Monday through Friday for sure. Didn’t we?

Crystal Mewhorter (04:30): Absolutely.

Jay Conner (04:31): So, Crystal and Dan, whichever one of y’all wants to do the talking I’m sure you all want to go back and forth. Why don’t you tell our audience how it is that we even know each other.

Crystal Mewhorter (04:46): So I had, I have the great privilege of actually running into Mr.Jay Conner. So I was at a Real Estate Investing event and I was running down the hall as I’m known to do. I generally don’t walk very slow. So, just wasn’t paying close enough attention, ran smack into him we were at the elevator up, he was delightful, surprisingly pleasant. I had no idea who I was talking to at the time he introduced himself asked me a couple of questions. I went back to the event, you know, had my head hanging just a little bit, cause I was really quite embarrassed and not moments later he’s introduced as the next speaker which much to my surprise. From that point forward, I had the great opportunity to get to know Jay and Carol Joy and then ultimately attended their events sometime later. Dan and I did, and got to know them a bit better.

Crystal Mewhorter (05:39): And I think the really special part was obviously spending time with them at their events and getting to really know them and, what a family it really is. So signed up to be members of the Platinum Program and we worked the entire program. And as Dan had said, we did what Jay said, that is his rule, Jay said to do it. So we have to do it. And we really credit that to our success. And in the end of it all have the absolutely awesome, awesome pleasure of getting to assist with coaching, your students that are in the program at this point. So we’re very, very blessed.

Jay Conner (06:16): Absolutely. So I sort of spilled the beans, but the kind of results that you and Dan personally have achieved so far and not to be personal or too specific, but how would you describe, your results?

Dan Mewhorter (06:36): Phenomenal. And it is far out exceeded or exceeded my expectations and we just continue to keep growing. So we continue to do what we do and it works for our market and we’re still using the basis of it as your structure and it’s been great.

Crystal Mewhorter (06:55): And I would chime in life changing. So we’re both incredibly fortunate. We both worked full time, many, many hours. So I was in the healthcare industry and also in leadership. So I worked well over full time. Did activities required, nights, weekends, things like that. And was raising two small children and actually stepped away from that career a few years ago now and are able to enjoy a lifestyle we could have never have dreamt and Dan was able to step away from his way over full time career. Cause he was on call 24/7 supporting software for the coast guard and in their search and rescue program. So the two of us has an incredibly different life than we could ever have imagined. So life changing would be the best word.

Jay Conner (07:47): So you’ve been both of you been full time working together husband, wife team in The Real Estate Investing. And how long have you all been full time now?

Crystal Mewhorter (07:59): I’ve been three years.

Dan Mewhorter (08:01): And two and a half for me. Just a little less than two and a half.

Jay Conner (08:04): That’s awesome. So tell everybody, what does your all’s business model look like? And what I mean by that is, you know some real estate investors focus heavily on terms. And I know you all do a lot of terms deals. Some investors rely on hard money as far as funding their deals. Some investors buy and hold, some buy and flip, some do a mix. So what’s just the overview of your all’s business model look like?

Crystal Mewhorter (08:36): Our business model is focused on a combination. So by all means we do a lot of terms deals. That’s one of the things that we specialise in and really enjoy the benefits of. So at any given time our portfolio has about and it, of course it changes cause it’s goes through evolution. So 80 to 90% of the portfolio may have some sort of terms in that and or predominant the predominant piece of that is in a rent to own status. And though all of those deals, whether they’re owner finance, subject to you or any other level of combination of creative financing may have some private money on that as well. And then anywhere from 10 to 20% at any given time are fix and flip directly all private funds.

Jay Conner (09:25): What’s your average profits looking like these days? And when I say average profit, you may have, you know, you sell a lot on rent to own, so you haven’t cashed out on selling it rent to own, but you got a big chunk of equity. So, either in cash out profits or equity, what’s your average profits looking like?

Crystal Mewhorter (09:45): Average, when we put it together I guess about two weeks ago, we revisited that to see what our numbers look like. We’re averaging 72 as our profit margin, obviously they vary.

Jay Conner (09:57): Yeah. Just to make sure everybody understands that $72,000, not separate, we’re not talking $7,200 in wholesale fees. We’re talking profit and equity of $72,000 per house. What’s the median price, a house in your all’s area.

Crystal Mewhorter (10:16): 250,000.

Jay Conner (10:18): So you’re 250. So obviously for you to be getting these kind of average profits, you gotta be finding these in very, very deeply discounted being able to buy them deeply discounted, right?

Crystal Mewhorter (10:30): Yes.

Jay Conner (10:30): Yeah. So I asked you to come on the show today and talk about a couple of recent deals that you all have done. So let’s talk about your first deal and let’s tell them everything, you know, from how you found the deal? How much you paid for it? How did you fund it? What kind of repairs if any, were required? What did you sell it for? Or how did you sell it? What kind of marketing you use to locate it? And just sort of from start to finish,

Crystal Mewhorter (11:04): Do you want to talk about long lap or do you want me to start? Okay. So a purchase that we just recently completed within actually, I guess, about two weeks we found the deal. It was actually someone that identified us on Google. So we can attribute that to all of the SEO efforts that we’ve put in place. So search engine optimization for those that aren’t familiar with that term, having had companies that have assisted us with that as well as really working that organically. So making sure that we’re reaching out to our customers asking them to share when they have a good experience and so forth. So this was a Google search.

Jay Conner (11:47): Let me ask you all this. What are just I mean, if someone wants to other, I mean, it’s always best to hire an Expert, but if someone’s wanting to increase their organic results of people just searching to find them. What’s a couple of tips you can give people on increasing their exposure on the internet and people finding their website.

Dan Mewhorter (12:12): So, I mean, we do a lot of free advertising, free SEO, organic SEO, if you will, Facebook and the social medias. So whether it be Twitter, Instagram whatever else we get out there, I don’t know, we’ve got a ton of them out there, but Facebook, primarily we do a lot of advertising on our Facebook business page to get the word out of that. When it comes to Google searches though, when you put on your website, if you have a website and you should have a website if you’re a business, you should be putting in a lot of keywords in there that when people do a search for say, buy my house fast, or sell my house fast, or sell my house in X city, putting those phrases in there will allow them and on your Google my business page, which you should have as well, putting those in there, those allow people to find you on a Google search.

Dan Mewhorter (13:08): So understanding what people are looking for when they do searches is really critical. I would highly suggest that you do some research on that. There are websites you can go to. To identify what people are looking for in your area.

Crystal Mewhorter (13:22): And another really simple tip is send your link, your Google link out to people that you’ve done business with. And it doesn’t have to even be necessarily a buyer or seller. It could be somebody that’s had a really good experience with you in terms of working with them on something where you’ve supported them or assisted them, but sending them the link so that they can go in and give you a Google rating. And a review, those things help a great deal. And those are really simple things to do. Not always easy to get people to reach out and complete those things. But if you send people a link, they’re generally more apps to get that done for you.

Jay Conner (13:58): Excellent. All right, well go ahead.

Crystal Mewhorter (14:01): Okay. So, Oh, so he found us on a Google search. We had a conversation, this is a three bedroom, two and a half bath in Virginia Beach. So it’s a good area desirable. The current CMA is 185,000. We were able to negotiate with him to 1225, and he did not want to accept terms. So actually I’m going to give you probably for the first time ever when we’ve discussed deals, I’m going to give you two that aren’t entirely cash, which is a little unusual

Jay Conner (14:42): Now, what was his motivation? What was his hot button?

Crystal Mewhorter (14:47): He got a job in Louisiana and this is actually a second house. So, he was trying to rent It, have had a terrible time with it. Last thing you want to do is be renting this house, when he just gone through a not great situation, and move to another state far, far away.

Jay Conner (15:07): We can never know for sure why other people decide to do what they do, but do you know, or do you have a guess as to why this particular seller was willing to give up so much equity?

Crystal Mewhorter (15:20): I do actually. He’s done, and he did not want to have to go through the process and try to get a realtor he’s been down that road felt like that wasn’t a very comfortable road either. I.e, getting what he wanted and for him to get to know that the sale was complete and we we’re going to hand him the cash, He was fine.

Jay Conner (15:42): Gotcha. So repairs, are any rehab required or is it a, just a beautiful house?

Crystal Mewhorter (15:50): He actually completed all the repairs from the previous tenants, even putting in new carpet and painting.

Jay Conner (15:56): So you don’t have to touch it. All you gotta do is put it on over to disposition. So the numbers again were the after or the as is value.

Crystal Mewhorter (16:06): The as is value Yeah, it’s 185,000, we bought it for 122,500

Jay Conner (16:11): 122,500 Okay, nice.

Crystal Mewhorter (16:14): Yeah. And so, and of course we’re selling it rent to own, so we’re going to be able to increase that sales price. But as it stands right now, if we were to take it to market and, you know, sell it ourselves, we obviously could make 62,500 on it just directly as it sits today. We won’t do that. It’s in too good of an area and it’s and it’s also a townhouse, so it’s like fairly ideal for a rent to own status.

Jay Conner (16:49): Right.

Crystal Mewhorter (16:49): And so it really fits the bill. So our monthly going out to our private lender is $883. Actually, It’s 1550 all day, every day to rent to own it. We might even be able to push that a smidge, but like on a really, you know, fair day, we can do that. So it’s already cash flowing $667 for all intent and purposes as it sits now. And so we’ll actually go ahead and carry it for a little while and watch what the market does and sell it from there.

Jay Conner (17:12): Well, you know, for the long term selling rent to own is the most profitable.

Crystal Mewhorter (17:16): Yup.

Jay Conner (17:16): Because when they get ready for a mortgage, your rent to own buyer they didn’t negotiate with you on price.

Crystal Mewhorter (17:27): Uh-huh.

Jay Conner (17:27): They and when it comes time for them to cash out, you’re not having to pay realtor fees on selling.

Crystal Mewhorter (17:36): Yup.

Jay Conner (17:36): And, you typically don’t have to go through the painful process of the buyer hiring their inspection company and nitpicking you to death. Right?

Crystal Mewhorter (17:48): Absolutely.

Dan Mewhorter (17:50): Yeah.

Jay Conner (17:50): So you just closed on it two weeks ago and just to make sure everybody knows what we’re talking about. When you say you funded this deal with private money, does that mean you went to a broker or how did you, what do you mean by, in your case? It’s funny with private money.

Crystal Mewhorter (18:09): Oh, so one of our private lenders that has their money in a self directed IRA. So somebody from our warm market.

Jay Conner (18:16): Right.

Crystal Mewhorter (18:17): Directly our warm market, it’s not even a conversion from a cold to warm there’s somebody that was in our warm market. It was actually somebody that Dan worked with when he flapped all the CDs on the desk when he walked out the door.

Jay Conner (18:29): So Dan what’d you tell folks about that CD is.

Dan Mewhorter (18:33): Okay, so we, Jay.

Crystal Mewhorter (18:36): What’s the CD?

Dan Mewhorter (18:36): The CD is The Private L ender CD.

Crystal Mewhorter (18:38): The 16 minute stress free investing.

Dan Mewhorter (18:42): Right. It’s the intro.

Jay Conner (18:44): Right. And so what is it? And how’d you use it and how did it work?

Dan Mewhorter (18:48): So, when you’re in Jay’s world, Jay will help you create these CDs. But we thought it would be great if my beautiful wife with her lovely voice would create one as well. So we locked her in a closet for about, I think it took about an hour really to get it what you wanted. And it walks through the introduction of what a self directed IRA is and how it can invest for you and how you can make a profit off of it. And it’s kind of like a 10,000 foot introduction into it, to get you interested in it, and get you to kind of understand that there’s other ways that you can invest in real estate. You can buy and sell and do what you want to with your own money and not be a slave to somebody else.

Crystal Mewhorter (19:28): It’s the teaser,

Dan Mewhorter (19:30): A teaser,

Crystal Mewhorter (19:30): And what do you do with it?

Dan Mewhorter (19:32): So, when I decided that it was time for me to leave my job prior to being escorted out of the building, which is what they do on a government job, I took probably about 50 CDs, about 50. And I distributed them to everybody’s desks within a hundred feet of my cubicle. Everybody got one. So they all started calling me up and laughing and saying, that was the funniest thing they’ve ever seen. And now they’re all starting to call us up saying I was funny, but now I’m interested because the mark has been doing the whole roller coaster thing for him. So, Yeah.

Jay Conner (20:10): Right. So that’s the gives everybody an introduction to what Private Money is. So the funding that you got on this deal was actually from an individual using their retirement funds. And of course you probably had to train them on how to get their retirement funds moved over from wherever they had them, to a self directed IRA company, and then that, and then they could fund your deal or deals by using their retirement funds.

Crystal Mewhorter (20:36): Absolutely.

Jay Conner (20:38): So, have you already got a buyer for this rent to own home?

Crystal Mewhorter (20:41): He had, how many did you have on this one last week?

Dan Mewhorter (20:44): 700.

Jay Conner (20:47): 700 inquiries.

Dan Mewhorter (20:49): Yeah. 700.

Jay Conner (20:50): Wow. I think you might have it sold.

Crystal Mewhorter (20:54): Think so.

Dan Mewhorter (20:56): Weeding through them all, finding the best qualified one.

Jay Conner (20:59): Right. So you’re still working through all those inquiries,

Crystal Mewhorter (21:02): Correct. Cause we were gone last week, so yeah, so we took communications and talked to people that we in sent out potential applications. But we don’t have them firmed up. I.e, we haven’t run background checks or confirmed their exact funds, So.

Jay Conner (21:24): Right. What did you price the house at?

Crystal Mewhorter (21:28): What did we price the house at.

Dan Mewhorter (21:29): A monthly?

Crystal Mewhorter (21:31): No, we priced at 1550. What did you sell it for? Did you do.

Dan Mewhorter (21:35): 200 even? I think I put that on my 200,000, even as what they put out.

Jay Conner (21:40): Okay. So back to the point, when you sell on rent to own, you’re able to raise the price above what it will appraise for today. For at least two reasons your rent to own buyers are not negotiating with you on price per se, but they would be in the multiple listing service. And the other reason is how long are you going to give them the cash out 12 months? 24 months? How long is the term?

Dan Mewhorter (22:03): On this? On this one is a 24 month one.

Jay Conner (22:08): Right.

Dan Mewhorter (22:08): But again, the way that I communicate with them is that obviously I’m looking for the most qualified people to go in there, the ones that A, can afford it and not be eating beans and rice the entire year or two years, Right? And not be housed for. And then B, the ones that their credit, while it may not be the best credit to be able to get a mortgage. It’s not the worst one either. So if they’re in there and they’re sitting at, you know, 500 X, whatever it may be, I know I can get them qualified because we have, we’ve got a great credit repair program that we sponsor as well. So I know I can get them requalified as long as they follow through. I also look at their record of where they are renting at before and make sure there’s no addictions, things like that. And if they match that 700 dwindles down very quickly to probably about 75 of those 75, I have a conversation with them. And if I feel good about that, and Crystal feels good about it because we’re pretty good about judging people’s personalities by conversations.

Dan Mewhorter (23:06): Then we decide, okay, these are the top five. Let’s get them in there. And we know that they’re most likely going to qualify well before the two years. So we do explain to them if you’re able to qualify quickly and you don’t want to rent it the entire time, just let me know when you’re ready to qualify when you’re ready to get you on mortgage. And then we’ll shut it down. So, we can get them qualified as quickly as three months, or it may take the entire two years.

Jay Conner (23:29): Gotcha. Well, those numbers work. Let’s say your $200,000 is the option price that you’re selling it for. You bought it for 122.

Crystal Mewhorter (23:40): Uh-huh.

Jay Conner (23:40): Yeah. You probably didn’t have to take that one to the committee, did you?

Crystal Mewhorter (23:43): No.

Jay Conner (23:43): That’s awesome. Look, I know you all came prepared to talk about another deal, but we’re out of time on this show. So will you all come back on another episode very, very soon.

Crystal Mewhorter (23:55): We would love to, anytime.

Jay Conner (23:58): Awesome. I’d love to have you come back and talk about the other deal or deals that you had lined up. Well, I know the audience wants to hear it. So any parting comments before we wrap up this show,

Crystal Mewhorter (24:10): I just want to say, you know, thank you for all that you’ve done for us. And it’s really great to be part of this world and everybody that’s out there, just listen and do what Jay says. So anybody that’s getting ready to join us on the journey. We’re super excited for you. If you’re in the early part of your journey and looking at either the membership or you’re following the podcast listen up and look for your opportunities, cause there’s just so much out there and we are so blessed and fortunate and really excited to be able to give back.

Jay Conner (24:40): Well, thank you so much, Dan parting comments.

Dan Mewhorter (24:43): If you can make it to one of Jay’s events, I highly suggest that you do so. The networking alone there is incredible, but getting to meet Jay and the family in person and not just virtually here, which is great, but in person is absolutely phenomenal. Again, I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Jay, it’s been a heck of a ride and we look forward to seeing where we’re going and sharing it with you as well.

Jay Conner (25:04): Thank you Dan. Thank you Crystal, Carol Joy and I love you guys, and I love your servant’s heart. You’re making a big impact in a lot of people’s lives so that you have it Folks! That wraps up another show. I’m Jay Conner, the Private Money Authority wishing you all the best and here’s the taking your real estate investing business to the next level. I’ll see you on the next show.

[jasontoddiefor]

Batfam Fanfic Rec Sunday!

I’ve decided to do something worthwhile with my 1400+ Batfam bookmarks, therefore I welcome you to my first Fanfic Rec Sunday. Every Sunday I guess I’ll recommend fanfictions for a specific theme, AU, trope, etc.

Feel free to request specific themes or AUs and I’ll do my best to search for fitting fanfiction!

(”Oh, I’ve always wanted to read something like a Brooklyn 99 crossover!” ”I’ve got your back, young reader.”)

This week’s theme is Time Travel & Batman Beyond!

And I’ve got 28 amazing fanfics for you below the read more!

Have fun and don’t forget to leave these lovely writers a comment!

Title: A Gift to Cherish Summary: The wonderful thing about being hurdled through time and space is that Jason doesn’t have to deal with the fallout of not listening to Bruce. The awful, terrible, no good very bad part of hurtling through time and space is that he has no idea where he is. It’s all up to wormhole he was thrown into to decide where he gets spit out to. In which Jason is thrown into a future he never came back to, and gets to heal, just a little bit. Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20226775

Title: A Good Place Summary: Damian Wayne is kidnapped and sent back years through time. Together, he and Father – who's only been Batman for a mere six months –must figure out how to return him to his own time. Over the course of the next week, Damian discovers that Mexican gangsters do not mess around, that social workers find Bruce annoying, that Bruce might be a little messed up, and that crystal chandeliers create the fondest memories. Oh. And Alfred has hair. Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13515501

Title: A hundred miles through the desert Summary: Finding himself nearly three decades into the past hadn't been part of Jason's plans for the day, but he could manage. Having no idea how he got there, no clear path home and a recently orphaned Bruce Wayne determined to drag Jason into his search for his parents' killer - that might be a little more complicated. Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18197330

Title: And They’re Only Getting Better Summary: 90's!Tim Drake wakes up in his Red Robin body. Exhausted from a YJ mission, he chooses to focus on getting through a normal day so as not to disrupt things for his future self. But, y'know, his way. Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10522401

Title: A Time to Reflect Summary: Bruce finds himself stuck in the past, and while waiting for the league to pick him up, struggles to get along with his past self. Plus being in a practically empty manor is a bigger adjustment than he'd like to admit. Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20156707

Title: Back to the Past Summary: Bruce is Robin, his dad isn't Batman though, despite how similar the outfits are. Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17237258

Title: Careful what you wish for Summary: Sometimes, Batman can’t help but miss the time when Dick was the one and only Robin. In a world with magical imps, he should have known better. Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15009647

Title: Choose - Lose Summary: Tim looked to the empty space where the time traveler had stood, a forgettable man with a forgettable face in a forgettable shabby brown suit, and had made his unforgettable offer. You can save him. Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18320876

Title: Cocoa in April Summary: There are strict rules when it comes to time-traveling. But when Dick is faced with an adorable young Bruce when he's accidentally sent back to 1988, he can't resist a conversation. Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16888914

Title: death sucks (and then you live) Summary: Red Hood is starting to put some serious plans in motion when he's attacked by a not-so-welcome blast from the past. Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15532380

Title: Do Not Stand At My Grave and Weep Summary: I am not here I do not sleep. Terry wants to say he's okay with cemeteries. But taking your kinda boss, kinda mentor, kinda surrogate father-figure to his creepy family cemetery does not make him feel good. He didn't realize just how much Bruce mourns. Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19378990

Title: In my arms Summary: There was nothing he could do. Nothing he could change. Those were the rules of the past. Besides, babies cried all the time, even if this was less a cry and more of an angry wail from a little one pushed past its limits. But still. He should have been on his way. He likely would have been, had this been a different home. Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20728655

Title: Innocence and experience Summary: What starts as a normal patrol ends up shaking up the world of Young Justice when a boy claiming to be a future Robin drops from the sky while chasing after a man in white. The Team struggles to deal with Damian and the future he represents all the while trying to return him to his rightful time. But for what purpose is this new villain in the past and can Damian and the Team stop him? Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9224534

Title: I Used to Be an Adventurer Like You, Then I Took an Arrow to the Knee Summary: Stephanie was just on patrol and now she’s stuck somewhere, sometime, with Bruce. They bleed and bond and mostly try to keep each other alive— you know, just a Tuesday. Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16437716

Title: life, if well lived Summary: Jason wakes up from a time-travel mishap to find Thomas and Martha Wayne hovering over him. Just another day in the life, right? ...Not quite. Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18378512

Title: Lost and Found Summary: Bruce is dying. Slowly, painfully. Not going out in a blaze of glory and defiance for a greater purpose. He's caving under the weight of his own age, under the damage he's done to his heart through the years. Terry can't be by his side constantly to do damage control. More than that, he can't watch it happen with no reprieve. But there's no one else. Terry needs help keeping vigil by an ill Bruce's bedside. But the old man had kids once, didn't he? Are the bridges he burned unable to be rebuilt? As he observes, Terry definitely starts to wonder how this family used to be. Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12214692

Title: meet the robins Summary: sad little orphan bruce travels to the future and meets the family he’ll have one day :) too bad he can’t stay forever :( Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2685095

Title: Mint Chocolate Chip Summary: Summer vacations have been going on just long enough for Jason to start getting bored, when he gets an unexpected visitor. From the future. Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18860545

Title: no one seems to go Summary: “Father,” Bruce mumbles, “I am something of an outlaw.” “Were you always this dramatic, son?” Thomas asks, the bed beneath them shaking as he shifts. “Alfred.” Bruce snorts, shaking his head. “Theatrics are his speciality, remember?” Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15663957

Title: Of your own making Summary: Jason died. Then he came back, forty years too late. It takes time to adjust. Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20211523

Title: One Big Batty Family Summary: In which Billy Batson and the McGinnis siblings join the present day Batfam. Link: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1133567

Title: Oops I did it again Summary: "You're insane." Or possibly an insane dream from eating chili dogs before bed. Which one Jason wasn't sure since he had yet to pinch himself. "I'm a member of the longer existing Dead Robins Club that doesn't even give you a lousy shirt. Not shocking Jay." Link: https://archiveofourown.org/series/936921

Title: Raisin Delight Summary: A year after Jason Todd dies, Tim Drake and Bruce Wayne take on the case when they notice strange occurrences in Gotham city. This has disastrous consequences, but so do most things that Tim gets caught up in, so what's new, really. Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15644082

Title: Realization Summary: Bruce makes a discovery while conducting a check-up on Terry. Takes place midway through the "Splicers" episode. Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/377468

Title: Strange Manor Summary: Bruce let his eyes close to wallow for a moment in worry and fear for Jason. One second, two, three. He opened his eyes. Time to act. Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13474308

Title: The Incandescent Rose Summary: Terry McGinnis (the new Batman) impulsively asks marriage proposal advice from his mentor and grumpy father figure Bruce Wayne. When the older man describes a proposal in which he had been yelled at and abandoned, Terry can't help investigate the matter by seeing some of Bruce's most knowledgeable friends and family members. This search prompts someone else into action. Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19414228

Title: The Time Travel Problem Summary: Barry Allen and Clark Kent, follow Bruce around during a time travel mission through Gotham City's recent past. If only Bruce would stay focused. Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21143081

Title: Younger Bruce, Older Jason Summary: Jason wakes up in the dead of night to an unexpected visitor. (Like you’ve never heard that one before...) Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14867975

[spaceskam]

thanks for being his romantic lead

not sure what this is. i started out with a plan and then it became crack and now here we are. you asked for it. kinda. HAPPY THANKSGIVING

ao3

"Don't be mad."

Michael eyed Liz as she blocked the entrance to Isobel's house. They were getting together for Thanksgiving and he had two grocery bags full of last-minute items that Isobel had frantically called him to pick up on the way. And yet Liz was blocking the way.

"I'm already mad," he said, though the suspicion never left his face. Her shoulders dropped.

"What, why? I didn't even tell you yet!"

"Because you didn't even tell me not to be mad whenever you ran your car into my truck, so whatever you did this time must be horrible," he pointed out. She crossed her arms over her chest.

"Okay, but that was an accident."

"So whatever you did this time wasn't–hence the pre-requisite of anger."

Liz rolled her eyes but sighed. She dropped her arms. "Jayden is here."

Michael’s mood immediately soured at the name of the kid he hated. Or, tried to hate. The guy followed Michael like a puppy and did way too much to try to hang out with him so they could be friends. While that wouldn’t inherently be the worst thing ever if that’s all he was, it was still annoying. The icing on the cake, however, was that Jayden was Alex’s boyfriend. Emphasis on boy. The kid was barely 23 and acted like he was even younger. Isobel’s theory was it made Alex feel like he was young again. Michael just hated seeing Alex with anyone else.

“Why did you invite him?”

“I didn’t!” Liz exclaimed, “Alex asked if Jayden could come because, you know, his dad moved away and his mom is in jail and his grandparents are dead. None of us could say no.”

Michael frowned because of course the human golden retriever had a shitty family situation. Hell, that’s basically how they even met him. They’d found some guy on Reddit who knew too much about aliens, so they tracked him down. They were expecting someone ex-military and went prepared for that, not some kid who lived in a slightly sketchy one-bedroom apartment on the edge of Roswell. He had apparently made all of it up when he was bored and was super stoked to find out he was right, immediately asking Michael how his telekinesis worked despite the fact Alex and Max literally had guns on him. Michael remembered Alex had softened to his childlike wonder almost immediately.

“Fine,” Michael grumbled, pushing inside and trying to evade making eye contact with Jayden as he made his way to the kitchen. It didn’t really help seeing as Jayden all but jumped over the couch to get to him.

“Michael, hey! Look, I brought my Switch, we can play Mario Kart!” Jayden suggested, eyes wide and hopeful as he smiled at him. Michael just sighed.

Then issue with Jayden, aside from literally everything, was that Michael couldn’t figure out what Alex saw in him. The guy was as tall as Max, but was all bones and body hair. He had a scruffy blond beard and long, wavy blond hair to match. It was usually hidden beneath a beanie of some sort that was always pulled low, forcing you to look at his creepy crystal blue eyes. He was pale and wore baggy clothes that did nothing for him, always wearing one too many layers even when it was hot. He and Alex didn’t look like they fit and that was a fact that had nothing to do with Michael’s feelings. They were just opposites in the worst way.

“Yeah, maybe,” Michael said and Jayden just nodded excitedly. He stood in Michael’s way for a moment and it became clear he had no intention to actually leave his side.

“Jay, c’mere for a second,” Alex called which Michael both hated and was thankful for at the same time. Jayden, always the puppy, went to his master with ease.

Michael didn’t look their way as he beelined to the kitchen. Isobel was by the stove and gave him a grateful look when he dumped the bags onto the counter. Her grateful look pretty quickly switched to the irritating sister look when she caught his irritation.

“Oh, come on, you had to know he was coming,” she said, digging through the bags, “I really don’t get how you manage to dislike him. He’s cute and he adores you.”

“Yeah, he does, it’s really fucking annoying,” Michael grumbled. She snorted before her eyes went wide and she jutted out her bottom lip.

“But you’re, like, cooler than Minecraft,” she teased and Michael physically cringed.

“Pokémon,” Max corrected as he appeared from basically nowhere, “He said Michael was cooler than Pokémon.”

“Even better,” Isobel giggled. Michael just dropped his head in his hands.

“I don’t understand why he even likes me, I’m constantly a dick to him.”

“We like you and you’re dicks to us,” Max pointed out. Michael rolled his eyes so dramatically it almost hurt. It was worth it.

“He knows Alex and I have history, yet it doesn’t seem to bother him. Aren’t most people supposed to hate their significant other’s ex? Max, don’t you hate Kyle?” Michael pointed out. Max shrugged.

“I mean, yeah, but I hate him a lot less than I did before he played a massive part in, you know, reviving me,” Max said. Michael groaned.

“Fine, Valenti doesn’t count.”

“Look, Michael, he’s gonna be around, just try to not ruin my entire dinner,” Isobel scolded. Michael sighed and then nodded.

He could at least try.

-

Jayden did this thing that only Alex seemed to find charming. He would sit and ask about aliens until they were blue in the face. He was so curious and he would ask the same questions and he would bring up shit they hadn’t even thought about, much less had an answer for. He seemed more interested in aliens than the actual aliens did.

But, today, Michael was entertaining him because he wanted to support Alex. Even if it killed him. Which it just fucking might.

“I was thinking about that, actually, and your TK can lift more than you can physically, so what are your boundaries? My working theory is that if you can completely visualize the weight of something, you can move it, is that how it works?” Jayden asked, leaning into the dining table. It was the eighth question that night about Michael’s limitations. He took a slow breath.

“I don’t actually know. I just sort of what to move something and I do it, I’ve never really gone that far into the logistics,” Michael explained. Jayden nodded, taking a bite of the ham Isobel had spent like a whole two days preparing.

“Wow, this is really good, Isobel, thank you so much,” he said. She smiled. Alex looked at him with the world’s softest eyes, casually untucking his hair from the collar of his shirt. Michael was really pissed. “Ooh, Michael, there was this episode of Star Trek that I gotta show you, it was abo-”

“I don’t like Star Trek,” Michael cut him off, but forced a smile so he didn’t seem rude. He was working at it. Jayden’s face fell for a moment but quickly went back to the smile. However, it was hard not to notice how he leaned back in his chair and towards Alex.

“Oh, that’s fine,” Jayden said, “Hey, so, have you thought about how you can breathe oxygen? Do you think there’s something different on your planet’s atmosphere and the pod you were in just adapted you to be able to breathe oxygen, or do you think there’s another oxygen-filled planet out there?”

“Dude, I don’t fucking know,” Michael said, slightly exasperated. Jayden leaned into Alex and looked slightly wounded which only provoked Michael more. And he’d already started, so might as well. “You keep asking us these dumbass questions that you know we don’t know and you never leave us alone. Do you seriously not know how annoying you are? Literally, give the alien shit a break. And, no, I don’t want to play your stupid game with you. It’s like you don’t get that you’re fucking my ex. I don’t like you, I don’t want to like you, and I will never like you, yet you still come around. We don’t want you here, you aren’t apart of this. Can’t you just get that through your head?”

Michael knew he’d gone too far whenever he realized everyone at the table was staring at him. It was so silent he could hear a pin drop. Most of them just looked shocked he did that, Alex looked pissed, and Jayden just looked like the sad puppy he was.

“I’m sorry,” Jayden said softly, “I didn’t realize I wasn’t welcome.”

Michael’s shoulders dropped as he steadily looked between Alex and Jayden.

“Hey, no, you are welcome,” Liz and Alex both tried, but Jayden just pushed back his chair.

“No, it’s okay. I’m sorry for intruding. I guess I knew I wasn’t really like you guys. Didn’t really fit. That’s my bad,” he said, forcing one of those smiles that he had but this one didn’t reach his eyes. “Thank you for dinner, Isobel. Best one I’ve ever had.”

Jayden quickly exited the room with his plate in hand and no one moved until they heard the sink turn on. He was washing his plate.

Alex was the first one to speak up, glaring at him in a way that had never been meant for Michael Guerin. It made him feel younger than Jayden.

“You don’t have to like him or talk to him, Guerin,” Alex said with his voice hushed, “But you have to respect my relationship. You have to respect that he is a fucking person with feelings and you can’t just embarrass him and outcast him like that. I thought you of all people would know that.”

Alex’s chair scraped back and he quickly went to go check on his boyfriend. Michael started sinking in his chair. He’d really gone too far.

“God, Michael,” Isobel commented, “You couldn’t have even waited until after dinner?”

-

“Hey, are you okay?”

Alex moved up behind Jayden, placing his hand gently on the small of his back. They were always careful when it came to touching each other. They both had rules of not doing it when the other one was unaware. That had led to people getting hit on accident.

“Am I that bad?” Jayden asked, head still bowed as he washed his plate well after it was clean. “Like, am I annoying?”

Alex didn’t know what to say. To him, Jayden wasn’t annoying. He could watch him get overly enthusiastic all day long, it didn’t matter the subject. But Alex was also aware not everyone was blinded by adoration.

“I think for Michael you’re a lot,” Alex said, resting his chin on Jayden’s shoulder, “You two are similar in ways you can’t see. You’re both the same level of chaos. Michael’s stays mainly on the inside, you let yours out. I think it’s too much for him.”

“He’s so cool, Alex,” Jayden groaned and Alex smiled, “I know you guys broke up for a reason, but I don’t know how you did it. I mean, he’s not my type, you are, but I, like, I want to be his best friend. He’s so much fun.”

“I know, love,” Alex said, pressing a careful kiss behind his ear. Jayden finally smiled and lifted his shoulder, finally looking to Alex. “But you gotta go slow. He’s prickly.”

Jayden grinned in that special way that was for Alex and no one else. It made him feel warm inside.

“You’re prickly,” Jayden said, “I love how prickly you are. I just wanna make a me-shaped whole in all the cactus spikes you got on you and stay there forever.”

Alex laughed helplessly and placed a hand on his scruffy cheek, pulling him down for a kiss that possibly didn’t last long enough.

“There’s already one there.”

-

“No offense, but I think you’re focused on you,” Isobel said.

Michael let out a little laugh and looked up to her, waiting for her to explain what was so bad about him actually giving a shit about himself for once.

“I know you love Alex, that’s obvious. But, as someone who loves him, shouldn’t your first desire be for him to be happy?”

“I do want him to be happy,” Michael retorted.

“Well, news flash, he is. Jayden may be a baby, but Alex lights up around him. Let him have some joy for once,” Isobel said. She was annoyingly wise lately. Michael blamed all that time she was spending with Maria.

“I’m trying! It’s not my fault the guy is so annoying!” Michael complained. Isobel gave him an annoyingly mothering look.

“You need to go apologize, though. Alex was right, you of all people should know what it’s like to be outcasted. Like it or not, Jayden is with Alex and he’s going to be around. Don’t make him feel unwelcomed when the rest of us like him,” she lectured. Michael frowned.

“I don’t want to apologize.”

Her eyes drifted upwards and she sighed.

“You need to or we’re all going to lose Alex,” she pointed out. It was a lot more of a threat than anything else and he heard it loud and clear.

“Ugh, fine.”

Michael very unhappily dragged his way outside to follow where Alex and Jayden had gone. Part of him hoped they’d already left so he didn’t have to deal with it. Sadly, they hadn’t.

“Wait,” Micahel called. Alex turned on that hardened face as he looked at him. “I just wanted to say I’m sorry.”

“For what?” Alex pressed. Jayden cowered behind him even though he was a good six inches taller.

Michael licked his lips. He could do this.

“For being a massive dickhead,” Michael sighed, “I shouldn’t have made you feel like you weren’t welcome ‘cause you are. Yeah, you annoy me sometimes, but I also kinda love your boyfriend, so there’s a conflict of interest.”

Alex scoffed, shaking his head. Michael saw him open his mouth to argue, but Jayden spoke first.

“How is that a conflict of interest?” he asked. Both Alex and Michael didn’t really know what to say to that. “I mean, we both love Alex. That’s something in common.”

“I mean,” Michael started, a dry laugh coming from him in his shock, “I guess, but you get to actually love him and I get to be jealous.”

Jayden blinked dumbly. “Why can’t we both love him?”

“Whoa, hey, I did not agree to this,” Alex said quickly. Jayden laughed and shook his head.

“No, not like that. Just, like... What’s so wrong about loving people? Why should I not like you for loving someone I love? Like, good, give him more love. He deserves all the love. Why can’t we just shower Alex in love?”

Michael blinked at him. Alex blinked at him too, though it was for probably different reasons.

“So you just want me to... love you for loving Alex and continue to love Alex myself?” Micahel clarified. Jayden shrugged.

“Why not? I love Alex and I love you for loving Alex.”

Alex let out a shuddered breath and put his hand over his face.

“I’m too sober for this.”

“Okay,” Michael said, nodding slowly, “So you have no issues with me outwardly showering Alex in love and affection?”

“As long as Alex is okay with it, then I don’t even have a say,” Jayden said. Michael licked his lips and then looked to Alex with raised eyebrows.

Alex’s face was flushed and he couldn’t even hide the smile, though it was unclear if it was from discomfort or just being really overwhelmed. Then he just shrugged. Michael smirked. He figured he could have fun with this.

“Alright, well, you two have fun. I love you, Alex Manes,” Michael declared, reaching forward to grab his hand and then he pressed a kiss to it, “And happy Thanksgiving.”

Alex looked between Jayden and Michael who both seemed to be totally okay with everything that was happening. Alex squeezed Michael’s hand and leaned towards Jayden. This was going to be interesting.

“Happy Thanksgiving.”

[twistednuns]

October 2020

To buttress - increase the strength of or justification for; reinforce / to mollycoddle - to give someone too much care or protection. 

A letter from Nina. One of those weird internet connections. Not my first one, certainly not my last one.

Frank’s DnD backstory reads quite insightful/poetic to me as he has taken so much from his life. He might have done it without intent but it’s quite obvious to me. I’ve agreed to make a character sketch for him. I’m looking forward to the challenge but I’m also afraid of starting the project because obviously I want it to be perfect. Anyway so the other night I sat at his kitchen table and started drawing a facial composite for his goliath. Lots of sketches actually with him giving me some prompts and ideas. I think he loved watching me do my magic. What a peaceful moment.

Applause from some students. Simply for entering the room. They must really hate their English teacher, eh?

I’ve started forming the habit of drawing tarot cards on a full moon and new moon night. It helps me set an intention for the following two weeks. So on the first of October I drew the Queen of Wands to represent me and I’m loving it. It’s the perfect choice.

The fabric dyeing process for the Plot exhibition at Haus der Kunst

Inviting warmth into my life. Wearing appropriately warm clothing. Even hats. Drinking tea all the time. Turning the heating on even though it’s only September. Warm breakfast. Ayurveda inspiration. Hot baths. Thinking about buying an electric heating blanket for my bed.So far I’ve been taking a hot water bottle to bed with me pretty much every night.

Finding one of those Barts woolly animal hats online. This one came with tigers. And the seller sent me a cherry marzipan teabag. I enjoyed it on a cold and rainy Saturday morning.

FAQ: The Status of the Shits Women Have Left to Give

Reading the final scenes of Leigh Bardugo’s Shadow and Bone trilogy. I actually took the wrong bus one evening and ended up in front of one of the Pinakotheken instead of Villa Stuck. I must have been quite immersed. I’m very happy with the ending. I mean, the main character is walking around the house barefoot with the smell of fresh paint following her, her hair loose. What a wonderful image.

The wind blowing through the maple trees outside my living room window. I’m just going to quote a Wikipedia article to explain what happened next: The distinctive fruits are called samaras, “maple keys”, “helicopters”, “whirlybirds” or “polynoses”. These seeds occur in distinctive pairs each containing one seed enclosed in a “nutlet” attached to a flattened wing of fibrous, papery tissue. They are shaped to spin as they fall and to carry the seeds a considerable distance on the wind. People often call them “helicopters” due to the way that they spin as they fall. During World War II, the US Army developed a special airdrop supply carrier that could carry up to 65 pounds (29 kg) of supplies and was based on the maple seed.

Monsieur Wiener - I’ve paid him a visit when I had problems with my analogue Pentax camera!

I don’t know why but one dark Friday evening I slipped into the empty church at Odeonsplatz. I loved the peaceful atmosphere, the specific smell and the red church candles flickering.

I loved meeting Flo. We had such a great time, constantly joking, talking about this and that. Sailor Mercury, Hades, our family. His wink. He said that I had been exactly right but in the end apparently I wasn’t. It stung because he had been one of the rare guys in the last months (years, actually) I actually liked. Oh well. I guess it wasn’t meant to be after all. This is what the Universe had to say about it the other day: There are no accidents. If it’s appeared on your life’s radar, this is why: to teach you that dreams come true; to reveal that you have the power to fix what’s broken and heal what hurts; to catapult you beyond seeing with just your physical senses; and to lift the veils that have kept you from seeing that you’re already the person you dreamed you’d become.

Videos of Marno and Erin together. Also: she is so freakin’ beautiful as a marauder.

A surprise call from Ann-Katrin.

Sweet chai tea with milk.

The bright moonlight making the neighbours’ roof look like fish scales.

Forensic linguistics. I listened to a podcast episode about the Unabomber who was only discovered after his brother had noticed some stylistic irregularities in his manifesto. You can’t eat your cake and have it too.

Autumn leaves. Especially when it’s just the outer leaves turning red or yellow while the rest of the foliage is still green.

Sitting next to my ten-year-old student Ella on the bus on our way home on a Friday afternoon. She’s a very chatty Gemini and even though her self-importance and constant talking can be quite annoying I’ve kinda taken a liking to her.

A bunch of Alstroemeria in my dark green glass vase on the desk. A pretty image.

I still appreciate how beautiful my LuLuLemon thermos bottle is after all this time.

I should probably mention my new hair (extensions). Well, it looks absolutely gorgeous from the front. But I already know that I won’t get them again because you can see the glue in a few places, it’s quite hard, often painful and feels unnatural. And of course it’s much too expensive.

Baby carrots with King hummus.

My lunch dates with Becky.

Making my favourite sour thai curry. With rice noodles. And peanuts and cilantro. Yum.

Starting to work on a big soapstone sculpture. It’s going to be a hand! I love it when I have a group of calm students. It allows me to work on a project with them.

Making delicious pumpkin lasagna.

Visiting Manu’s mum. Making plum dumplings together. A fun afternoon in their kitchen.

A very cosy Sunday. Waking up at 5:30am. Watching Practical Magic in bed. Having a slice of pumpkin lasagna for breakfast. A sudden urge to get out, dressing up to keep out the cold, going out, early, streetlights still on. A walk through the woods. I loved how calm everything was. Being out before all the others had a chance to disturb the stillness with their kids and dogs and bicycles. Making lebkuchen. Lots of pecans. Having a nap. Writing a letter. Drawing weird mushrooms and bugs.

Autumnal smells. The moist smell of the forest ground, mushrooms, the smell of chimneys on a cold Sunday morning. Incense, gingerbread spices. Facial oil with lavender and iris. Roasted pecans.

A crafty day. I made a haunted house, some ghosts, spiders, bats, skulls and pumpkins out of paper.

Schlurp.

Meeting Frank in front of Residenztheater. The whole square was empty, he was the only person there. Waiting for me. Looking up to the opera roof. What an impressive building.

Talking about living life in story mode and action mode. I feel so stuck in action mode at the moment and desperately want to switch to story mode. Fantasy, magic, coincidences and meaning.

Spicy pumpkin recipes in the current issue of Schrot und Korn.

Rice and hazelnut milk as a bedtime treat.

Collecting autumn leaves. Chestnuts, acorns, feathers, beechnuts. Making a little autumnal alter with some crystals.

Thursday mornings. So much time for myself. Lots of tea, warm breakfast.

Treating myself to massages and nice facial creams and serums. Ya Yah is such a gifted person. I love her massages the most. The other day I also got a facial for the first time in many many years. It was nice to be wrapped in an extremely fluffy blanket. When the bright lights were on I could see different colours after closing my eyes and imagined being at a tropical beach. Unintentional ASMR sounds from the rubber gloves. Cosy.

Spicy winter tea in my new thermos bottle. The steam swirling up from my favourite mug (the moon phase mug I bough in Canada).

Buying cheap sparkly stickers, washi tape and stamps. Just because.

Pecan nuts are the BEST. Crazy delicious.

Porridge with coconut milk and mango for breakfast. Persimmons. Candles in the morning.

Gloomy twilight. The dark hour right before sunset/sunrise. Spooky black silhouettes against the ink blue or greyish white sky. Fairy lights. Memories of spending Halloween at Greyfriar’s Kirkyard in Edinburgh.

Finding yet another woolly hat for my collection. This time with pheasants.

Deltavenus’ Instagram feed.

Cutting open a fresh lime.

Happily singing along to my two favourite mantras (Jai Mata Kali / Om Gam Ganapataye Namaha) while making apple galette. Trying to harmonise in different ways.

A very surprising call from Claudia. She ended up in my kitchen, drinking half a bottle of wine.

A lovely Sunday with Sash. A walk through the English garden.   Watching the waterfall, falling leaves, backlit by the afternoon sunlight. Haus der Kunst. Getting in for free (art teacher bonus). I really liked the Michael Armitage exhibition and the enormous dyed curtains in the hall. Franz Erhard Walther’s Dust of Stars autobiography was impressive as well. I just ordered the book online; I’m looking forward to reading it. We also had a drink at Goldene Bar and enjoyed a late lunch at Baoz Bar.

Becky leaving me a lovely note and an English magazine on my desk.

Fink’s Knödelstube with Lena and Sash. We had 13 different kinds of dumplings. Heavenly delicious.

I came to realise that mornings are my favourite time of the day. I love gloomy, dark sunrises and my usual productivity highs.

Writing limericks with the kids.

Getting lost in the woods after dark which might not look like a good think at first glance but I uncovered a little secret - some bee hives I had never seen before!

A mild obsession with The Corrs’ song Old Town. I didn’t even know where it came from. It’s not a song I’ve ever actively listened to.

Learning about sesame plants. Another one of those plants I expected to look completely different.

I can smell mushrooms. On Saturday morning I went to the forest again early in the morning and whenever I would get a whiff of mushrooms and look down there they were.

Dog owners wishing me a good morning on my walk. Interestingly only men, the women tend to ignore me.

Wicked! - Modern Art’s Interest in the Occult. Learning about Leonora Carrington.

James’ chameleons in art class. He drew one representing each of his family members. He was the one licking a bat. Bold.

Buying far too many books. But I found out that Naomi Novik just published a new novel about a school of magic. And within two days I came across the writer Ursula K. Le Guin three times so I took it as a sign and got one of her books as well.

Prepare for the Roaring Twenties - The human desire to socialize will survive the pandemic.

A deep talk session with Jonathan about getting old, having children, self-worth, dating, obeying rules.

Finding my favourite pair of jeans on Kleiderkreisel for a fraction of the original price. And a baseball jacket with a Strange Ladies Society print on the back.

A walk in the forest before work. Something I’ve never done before I think. So good for my nerves, really.

The art of decision-making.

Joy praising me for my authoritative voice (effectively making the fifth-graders do what I want).

Decorating the classroom with the fifth-graders. I love my haunted house on the window pane, their lovely spiders, ghosts and bats. I should probably mention that our class mascot is a cute spider named Crawley so we’re all quite into spooky stuff. On the last day before the holidays we all showed up in costumes, played a Halloween quiz, listened to creepy music and I brought some candy, too. Fun!

Meeting the gang on Halloween. Japanese-inspired dinner and a board game.

[love-takes-work]

Steven Universe Podcast: Fan Celebration

This is an outline of the Steven Universe Podcast regarding “Fan Celebration”: an issue of the podcast in which voice actors and storyboarders answer fan questions. No volume number or episode number was given for this one. The official description:

It's a celebration of the fandom! Zach Callison (voice of Steven), Deedee Magno Hall (voice of Pearl), Michaela Dietz (voice of Amethyst), Matthew Moy (voice of Lars), and Storyboard Artists Miki Brewster and Lamar Abrams tackle everything from gem weapon of choice to creating their own storylines to favorite scenes and hardest ones to voice and create to memorable studio moments and best-loved characters!

This is a long podcast with a long summary, so as usual I will give you a bulleted list of highlights, followed by a detailed summary.

Highlights:

Miki Brewster’s favorite characters to board are Amethyst & Ruby. Character reactions are inspired by what she thinks a fan would want to see, and designs she loves are overgrown old Gem stuff on Earth. In the SU world, her weapon would be a greatsword.

Matthew Moy would have related to Pearl or Lars most as a child. His hardest thing to VA for has been Lars’s switch to being a confident space captain. He feels connection to characters he plays is vital. His memorable moment with the Crew was finally meeting Estelle after about four years of doing the show. A line that sums up his character would be just groaning about what Steven has gotten him into. His favorite episodes to be part of were probably “Lars of the Stars” and “The Good Lars.”

Lamar Abrams would have related most to Sapphire as a child. His hardest thing to VA for was the energetic stylings of Zooman Wy-Six. Lamar leans on direction to properly play characters and doesn’t necessarily need to relate to them. His memorable moment with the Crew was improvising a chant to egg Sour Cream on in “Lars and the Cool Kids.” A line that sums up his character (Buck) is “That’s nasty. I don’t like nasty stuff.” His favorite episode to be part of was maybe “Shirt Club.”

Deedee Magno Hall thinks the thing her character would never say would involve enthusiastically ordering food. If she was in the SU world, her weapon would be an antibacterial spritzer. The most fun part of her job is the people she works with. The hardest scenes for her involve when Pearl screams. Deedee’s favorite thing to record is “all the songs.” If she could write an episode, she would have it be musical and involve a tour of the SU world on a flying carpet. she thinks jewelry in the SU world would be an alternate way to protect your friends and keep them close.

Michaela Dietz thinks the thing her character would never say would be a sincere “I love you” (though she would SHOW it), or maybe saying she’d had enough food. If she was in the SU world, her weapon would be a cannon that shoots “the bits.” The most fun part of her job is the people she works with. The hardest scenes for her involve talking during a song. She says she sometimes has to burp on cue and has trouble doing it. Michaela’s top episode to record for may have been “The Question.” If she could write an episode, she would have the Crystal Gems writing a cartoon. In answering what food Amethyst would NOT like, she thinks it’d be anything with nutritional value or superfoods. And she thinks jewelry in the SU world would be like being able to carry your friends around.

Zach Callison thinks the thing his character would never say would be about loving his mom (his feelings for her are weird, and he doesn’t know her), or that Steven would never insult a restaurant’s cooking and send it back. If he was in the SU world, his weapon would be a gun blade. The most fun part of his job is the people he works with. The hardest scenes for him were doing all the Stevens in “Steven and the Stevens.” A funny VA moment for him was when he and Grace Rolek had to stuff huge marshmallows in their mouths for a full-mouth line. Zach’s top episodes to be part of were big turning point episodes like “Jailbreak” and “Mr. Greg.” He thinks the biggest difference when recording for a video game is the increase in effort noises and being trusted to know their characters more. If he could write an episode, he’d have Peridot and Steven hunting down a mob boss in a gritty episode where they’d fuse into a tiny Fusion at the end. He thinks jewelry in the SU world would be like keeping Gems as pets and would horrify Homeworld.

The detailed summary is below!

[Archive of Steven Universe Podcast Summaries]

Miki Brewster is first up; Miki is the storyboarder who wrote and boarded on the episodes "The Question" and "Reunited" (among other episodes). She answers these questions:

Q: Who's your favorite character to storyboard?

A: Ruby or Amethyst. She just thinks Amethyst is cute and Ruby is excitable and fun, and her square head is fun and easy to draw.

Q: How do you come up with how characters will respond to situations?

A: What would a fan really want to see this character do? If you're a fan, you could watch a whole show just for a character, so reactions should be about what makes that character unique and worth watching.

Q: What kind of motifs in music or design are most interesting to you?

A: Gem architecture on Earth, like overgrown temples and crashed ships.

Q: If you were in the SU world, what would your Gem weapon be?

A: A greatsword. They're cool and you can hit hard with them.

Matthew Moy and Lamar Abrams are the next guests.

Q: Which character would you have resonated with most as a child?

A: Matthew would have resonated with Pearl (because she worries so much) or Lars. Lamar would have resonated with Sapphire (because she's quiet and introspective the way he was--he would have identified with her diplomacy, and she's trying to make people understand).

Q: What has been the hardest scene to do voice acting for?

A: Matthew feels it was when Lars became the space captain. It's a big switch, being confident, such a contrast to his teen angst from before. Lamar said he has an easy time voicing Buck, so his most difficult was voicing Wy-Six (he can't remember if it was Jay-Ten or Wy-Six, he always gets those two mixed up). It's so energetic and exuberant and he says it was tiring to do for a whole session. He can't believe other people have to voice characters who yell and scream.

Q: How much do you feel for your characters, how do you relate to them?

A: Matthew feels like acting requires it; connection is vital. Lamar thinks it's just about getting across the right feeling even if you can't personally relate. Rebecca helps with the direction. He suggests he might sometimes be told to make Buck "more disinterested," and Matthew wants to know if he's ever actually gotten that direction. He thinks maybe, or at least he's sometimes told to try stuff in a higher or lower tone.

Q: What kind of antics do the voice actors get up to? Any funny or memorable times recording?

A: Matthew remembers meeting Estelle finally like four years into the job. During the pilot he recorded with 80% of the cast but not her, and he finally got to meet her and introduced himself awkwardly, and she's like "Hey Lars, nice to finally meet you." Lamar suggests maybe it was almost like what Garnet herself would do in that situation, and Matthew enthusiastically agrees, suggesting "Oh my gosh we're all the same." Lamar remembers finally meeting her after a while too, and he met her outside the studio when she was probably going to get something to eat. He saw her with her glasses on and thought she looked cool but later realized that was probably Estelle. Lamar remembers one time he was voicing Buck with Brian Posehn (Sour Cream) and Reagan Gomez (Jenny) and they had to do a little chant egging Sour Cream on while other characters would be talking over it, and he thought that was fun. (The improvised chant he describes is the one at the end of "Lars and the Cool Kids.") They love the "side walla that nobody hears." Lamar always hopes someone notices those things.

Q: If you could sum up your character in one quote or moment what would it be?

A: After McKenzie jokes that Matthew should say "bingo bongo" or she'll be disappointed, Matthew says that doesn't really sum up Lars 'cause he's a complicated fellow. He just makes a reluctant/frustrated grunt and says "that sums up Lars." He adds, "Ugghhh, Steven!" That's Lars's inner monologue all the time: "Steven, what did you get me into?" Lamar remembers writing one of the first Buck episodes in "Lars and the Cool Kids" when Buck is reacting to Jenny's story about doggy-do. "That's nasty. I don't like nasty stuff." Lamar loves how he doesn't exclaim or get into a lot of emotion: it's just "that's nasty, nope."

Q: What would you say has been your top favorite episode to be a part of?

A: Matthew loved "Lars of the Stars," and "the baking episode" ("The Good Lars"), the whole Wanted arc was really cool. Lamar isn't sure--he guesses he loved in "Shirt Club" when Buck is being a jerk about Steven's art, "this is bad and it's funny," and then when Steven gets back at him shooting his "vote for my dad" art out of the t-shirt cannons and some people are laughing at Buck's art, he sheds a single tear. Lamar loves that, "wow he DOES have emotions." He also really liked that it was a bonding episode with his dad and an episode about being better friends with Steven.

The next group is Deedee Magno Hall, Michaela Dietz, and Zach Callison.

Q: What is something that you think your favorite SU character would never say?

A: Deedee says, "Can I get a double double with cheese, please?" (They all laugh.) Michaela says she thinks Amethyst would never sincerely say "I love you." Deedee objects, but Michaela says she would show it but not say it, and wonders if she made the others sad by saying that. Zach says he has a dark one: that Steven would never express feelings of love toward his mom, because he doesn't really know her like that. Deedee says she feels like she's gonna cry. Zach says they've literally never met and she's causes tons of problems in his life. McKenzie was not prepared for answers like this because she expected them to be more like Deedee's funny one, so Michaela jumps on that and says Amethyst would never say "no thank you, I've had enough." And on the subject of food, Zach says Steven would never say "THIS FOOD IS TERRIBLE! TAKE IT BACK!" (He says it in Steven's voice.) He'd never do that in a restaurant. Michaela thinks he'd just silently eat it and think something positive about what he could imagine the bad food tastes like. Zach begins to chant "Chew . . . swallow" in Steven's voice.

Q: If you were in the SU world, what would your Gem weapon be?

A: Zach says maybe an anime style gun blade. Like a musket. Michaela says probably a cannon that shoots out "the bits." Deedee says anti-bacterial spritzer. They agree that it fights germs. Michaela agrees that that is SO in character.

Q: What is the most fun part of your job?

A: Zach says "This right here." They all say it's great to see friends, and Michaela adds, "AND seeing Zach and Deedee. Just kidding, they ARE my friends." Deedee says she's getting so many wrinkles from smiling due to being around these guys.

Q: What was the hardest scene to voice act for?

A: Deedee doesn't like when she has to scream, because it's hard on her voice. Michaela has a hard time with speaking during a song, because she slips into like a weird Broadway projection and has to remind herself that that's not Amethyst. Zach adds that the timing on that is really difficult. For Zach, he says it took a lot of time to do all the many Stevens in "Steven and the Stevens," and there was lots of screaming.

Q: Do you remember any particularly funny moments from when you were recording?

A: Zach immediately answers "No. None. Zero." Michaela agrees and says there is no laughing and it's a very serious show. Deedee bursts in with disagreement and reassurance that they are joking and there's SO much laughter. Deedee says efforts are the most fun. Zach loved when Robert was looping one of Deedee's "???" reactions into the booth. Zach loved when he had to use jumbo marshmallows for him and Grace to put in their mouths to make full-mouth noises. Michaela chimes in that sometimes she has to burp on cue and that's hard for her. Zach can burp on cue and offers to do it for Michaela, and demonstrates.

Q: What would you say has been your top favorite episode to be a part of?

A: Zach says "Mr. Greg" and "Jailbreak"--any episode that was a huge turning point like that. Deedee loves "Mr. Greg" too. Zach loves Deedee's performance of "It's Over, Isn't It," and Deedee responds "No, YOUR section was great," and they just keep saying "No you're great, no YOU'RE great." Michaela's was probably the "Ruby Rider one" ("The Question"). She loved the engagement at the end. Zach chimes in to say the wedding episode ("Reunited") was great too, and the song was very difficult, but the others loved hearing him sing "Let's Only Think About Love." That song is almost four minutes long! Deedee loves ALL the songs.

Q: How is recording for a video game different from recording for the show?

A: They agree it's SO different; Zach says it's partly that they have a different crew recording them, with a different voice director. Michaela feels they depend on them to know their characters more in the video game recordings. Zach agrees they trust them more, while on the show the boarders and crew know as much and more than the voice actors. Zach says on video games they have to make a lot more effort noises and weird command prompts, so many details. Michaela agrees about the efforts, and Deedee is sad that they're not in the room together. Michaela adds, "so we cry the whole time, it's crazy."

Q: If you could write your own episode, what would it be about and what would your character be doing?

A: Zach immediately says DO NOT LET ME DO THIS. Michaela says she would write an episode about the Crystal Gems writing a cartoon episode about themselves. Pearl would say "and then I would say a joke! I'd be the comic relief!" Zach thinks they'd have to look at the camera and break the fourth walls. Deedee says she'd love an episode where the whole thing is a song, even more so than "Mr. Greg." It'd have to have a flying carpet scene where they can see the whole SU world, through music. Zach says he'd want a gritty detective show with Steven and Peridot taking on a mob boss, with them talking in deeper voices, Peridot going "those clods are gonna get what's coming to them!" And he'd want them to fuse at the end because he really wants the Steven/Peridot Fusion. Michaela prompts him to "say the theory," and Zach says he just wants that Fusion to be half the size instead of double the size. For shorty squad rep. There's so much utility to a tiny Fusion!

Q: Is there any food Amethyst DOESN'T like?

A: Michaela says: Anything with nutritional value? Superfoods? Anything that lacks textural integrity--she thinks Amethyst would not have much fun with baby food or applesauce, she just loves to chew and have something to do.

Q: How would Gems react to the concept of jewelry?

A: Michaela thinks it'd be like Baby Bjorns, they'd be carrying their friend around, like Amethyst could run around with friends on her wrist. Zach feels like it'd be too much like keeping Gems as pets, and Homeworld would be horrified by our civilization enslaving their people. Jewelry is totally how come Homeworld is mad at us! Deedee says when they're poofed jewelry could be a way to keep them close and safe. Zach worries the jewelry casing would break when the Gem came back. Deedee worries they'd fall through a hole in a pocket. Zach suggests if someone complimented your necklace you could be like "thanks these are my cousins!" Michaela suggests Bismuth would have a "Bedazzled fanny pack." Deedee says "maybe a Pearl Pouch."

There's no information about a next podcast episode.

[Archive of Steven Universe Podcast Summaries]

[one-of-us-blog]

Tomorrow Never Dies (1997)

Today Drew is forced to watch and recap 1997’s Tomorrow Never Dies, the eighteenth James Bond adventure. Breaking news! A media mogul has set his sights on expanding his news empire, but sources indicate there’s some seriously unethical journalism going down! You’ll never believe what happens next! Can Bond stop the presses in time to save China? Wait a second, what the hell does China have to do with any of this?

Keep reading to find out…

Eli, you’ve done it again! Twice! Both of your latest recaps were fantastic, and I completely agreed with your thoughts on both of them. “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot (Less) Like Christmas” is very forgettable, and you were very generous with your rating. You’re the personification of Christmas generosity! But on a more serious note, “Camp Town Races Aren’t Nearly as Much Fun as They Used to Be” (this show has got to cut it out with these long titles) was the episode I was least excited for you to watch, because I really just hate most of it. Like you said, they make Blanche be awful so she can learn a lesson, but it still sucks to see her act that way. I can’t help but think of “Mixed Blessings” from the original series, which had Dorothy act like a racist in sacrifice of the plot despite that completely going against her character. Episodes like this suck, and I’m glad it’s behind you. There are still a few bumps in the road ahead of you, but I can’t wait to read your next couple of recaps! God bless us, everyone but Oliver!

Buttocks tight!

Screenplay by Bruce Feirstein, Nicholas Meyer & Daniel Petrie Jr., film directed by Roger Spottiswoode

We start off very specifically in A Terrorist Arms Bazaar on the Russian Border, which MI6 is spying on. M has her boys identify the terrorists in attendance and they do good work, but then she’s informed by Admiral Dickhead that this is now a military matter and they’re going to bomb the bazaar to hell and back. M protests, stating that she still has a man on the ground (I wonder which one?) but the admiral tells her says she’d better hurry up and get him out of there because these bombs ain’t stoppin’. The man on the ground tells them it’d be a bad idea to blow this popsicle stand, because one of the jets up for sale at the bazaar is equipped with nuclear torpedoes and hitting those sorts of things with a missile is usually a bad idea. M tells the admiral to call off the bombing, but his boys say the missile is already out of range and can’t be recalled. M is used to cleaning up the messes of men in power, so she takes charge and tells Bond (he’s the man on the ground, in case you hadn’t guessed it) to get out of there. Bond can’t just leave these nukes lying around, though, so he stirs up some trouble at the bazaar, steals the jet and flies it out of Dodge before the whole place gets blown up by that pesky missile. Aside from some trouble from the terrorist copilot sitting behind him trying to strangle him and another terrorist trying to shoot him down in a jet of his own, it’s a pretty smooth getaway! Bond takes care of his last few problems by ejecting his copilot into the other jet and we head into our opening credit sequence.

Woah, I must have just jacked into the Matrix, because these opening credits are futuristic as hell! Streams of numbers, x-rays and lasers abound! Sheryl Crow belts out “Tomorrow Never Dies” while computer chip ladies wiggle around and CGI bullets fly out of computer screens hanging all over the place. Did this movie come out in 1997 or 2097, amiright?

After that trip to the future we cut to the H.M.S. Devonshire which is tooting around the South China Sea. We cut back right as things hit up, because the Devonshire is targeted by Chinese jets. The jet pilots say the Devonshire is in Chinese water and they’re gonna get some trouble if they don’t leave, but the Devonshire’s captain insists they’re in international waters and don’t have to listen to nobody. But, uh-oh, a sudden cutaway to the Carver Media Group Network in Hamburg lets us know that somebody’s messing with the Devonshire’s GPS, making them think they’re in international waters when we’re they’re all up in China’s business. We then cut to a sub, where a handily expositional crew lets us know that they’re going to send a stealthy little drill to donk up the Devonshire the next time the Chinese jets get close. The crew goes so far as to let us know the intention here is to make the British think the Chinese sank the ship, which is very helpful to me, a dumbass. The plan goes off just like these supporting characters just told us it would, and the captain of the Devonshire radios HQ to let them know they were sank by the Chinese before abandoning ship. These Carver goons aren’t done, though, as they blow up one of the Chinese jets with British missiles. I got no expositional warning that this was going to happen, so you can imagine how flabbergasted I was by this development. The Carver goons retrieve some missiles from the sunken Devonshire, and they gun down all but 17 survivors.

In Hamburg, Elliot Carver (Jonathan Pryce) himself is typing up his headline for this international incident in real time. So, wait, all of these people have been killed so that Carver can get a scoop on a story? Holy smokes, this might be the dastardliest villain we’ve come across since that guy who was just really good at shooting people. Carver has Skype calls with various people, literally saying out loud that the Carver Media Group is causing chaos all over the world. I’ll say one thing for this movie, having every single detail spelled out to me like this sure is handy. Carver releases buggy software, blackmails the President and causes all sorts of trouble like the little devil he is. He has a little powwow with his buddy Henry Gupta (Ricky Jay) and his henchman Richard Stamper (Götz Otto) and they all agree that everything is going just swimmingly. Carver lets his minions know that the South China Sea incident will be the premier headline for their satellite news network. Carver is going to dominate the news cycle, and, hot damn, just like that, we’ve got our villain’s plot spelled out for us! Man, I’m not gonna have to think for a second while watching this movie!

Meanwhile, Bond is fucking a French professor when he’s called by Moneypenny, who tells him everybody’s in a tizzy over this South China Sea incident. We get a hilarious Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell bit from Moneypenny and M, and then M and Admirable Dickhead get into a shouting match over the missing Devonshire. The admirable is rock-hard to start retaliating, but M wants to know what the hell’s going on before fleets start getting deployed. I guess she missed the first 20 minutes of the movie, because everything’s crystal clear for me, baby! MI6 discovers that Carver’s rag is already blabbing about the incident, and now the admiral’s not the only one hot for retaliation. M is given 48 hours to find out what happened and then China’s going to get a calling card from the British Navy.

M isn’t a dumbass so she thinks it’s a little suspicious that Carver got a headline about the incident out literally right after it happened. We’re told Carver’s got Szechuan beef with the Chinese because they’re the only country who won’t broadcast his media network. Say no more, M, we already know he’s the bad guy! Bond is being sent to Hamburg to attend an event at the CMGN HQ, and M gives us another tasty little morsel of exposition by letting us know that Bond used to date Carver’s wife, Paris (Teri Hatcher). M and Moneypenny are still polishing their comedy routine, and we get a great bit about Bond pumping Paris for information. Bond arrives in Germany, where Q, who’s just a regular man about town these days, gives him a new car with all the usual Q Branch bells and whistles. He also gives him a fancy new cellphone that has a taser, a fingerprint scanner and a remote control for the car.

Bond arrives at the apparent rave going on at the CMGN and is introduced as a banker to Carver. Carver is distracted by the arrival of Wai Lin (the incomparable Michelle Yeoh) from the New China News Agency. Lin wasn’t invited, but she admits to sneaking in so she could meet Carver. Carver is delighted by this, and Bond goes off to meet up with Paris. She gives him a good slap, and we find out that Bond dipped out on Paris and she still holds a grudge. This exposition train just don’t quit! Paris informs Bond she won’t be helping him investigate Carver, but when Carver slinks over she doesn’t blow his cover. Bond can’t play it cool for a second and immediately starts letting Carver know he’s suspicious of him, and Carver lets Stamper know he wants the supposed banker taken care of.

Stamper takes Bond away while Carver makes a big speech about the South China See incident. Carver’s goons beat up Bond in a back room, but he gets the better of them. Bond decides to be an asshole and cuts the power to Carver’s broadcast just for the fun of it. He’s gone before Stamper can get to him, and Carver throws a real hissy on stage. Carver’s pissed when other news networks gloat about his big broadcast getting cut off, and he wants Paris to tell him why Bond acted a fool like that. She tries to keep up the act that she barely knows him, but he sends her to Bond’s hotel room to pump intel out of him. Watch out, M and Moneypenny, I’m snatchin’ up your routine!

At Bond’s hotel, Paris plays him like a fiddle and gets into his pants without having to break a sweat. Carver has Gupta look into Bond’s alias and they figure out he’s a spy. Gupta also caught a snippet of dialogue revealing Paris knew Bond wasn’t a banker, so Carver wants both of them killed. Oh, also, turns out I was an idiot to assume Paris was playing Bond. She’s actually just still in love with him and tells him all about Carver’s secret lab. Bond sneaks into the lab and finds the encoder Carver used to control the satellite that misled the Devonshire. Before he makes it out of the lab he runs into Wai Lin, who’s doing a bit of snooping of her own. Lin trips an alarm and Bond has to deal with a bunch of goons while she uses some Q-esque devices of her own to zip around. Bond makes it out, but then gets a call from Carver. Carver knows Bond has the encoder and that he banged his wife, so Bond heads to the hotel to get Paris out of there. Stamper is monitoring the hotel, and as soon as Bond is out of his car he calls for some more goons to get the encoder.

Bond finds Paris dead in the hotel room, and a CMGN anchor on TV is already broadcasting a story about her body being found alongside the body of an unidentified man. Uh-oh, now Bond knows how the dude from Early Edition felt! Carver’s assassin, Dr. Kaufman (Vincent Schiavelli with a bad German accent), decides to have a little chat with Bond instead of just shooting him, and reveals that the news story is a tape that’s going to be broadcast in an hour. Carver’s goons try to beat their way into Bond’s car while Kaufman keeps talking instead of just taking the damn shot. The goons radio Kaufman and tell him to get Bond to unlock the car, and Bond tricks him into tasering (thanks for letting me know tazing isn’t a word, Google) himself before executing him with his own gun to avenge Paris or whatever.

Stamper spots Bond sneaking out of the hotel, and Bond uses the remote control to steer the car away from the goons. He hops on board and remote controls himself away. He retrieves the encoder from the glove compartment and bails before driving the car off a ledge, causing enough of a distraction for him to sneak away. We cut to an air base in the South China Sea, where Bond meets up with, my god, Jack Wade himself. If I’m forced to see Joe Don Baker in one more movie, I don’t know what I’ll do. Bond finds out that the encoder was tampered with to mislead the Devonshire and figures out where the ship sank. He skydives down into the sea where the Devonshire went down, and I shudder as watching Bond scuba dive through the wreckage of the ship gives me vivid flashbacks to Thunderball. In the wreckage Bond once again runs into Wai Lin, and the two have to make a quick exit before the Devonshire slips off its perch and falls deeper into the sea. On the surface Lin signals for her buddies on a boat to pick them up, but her friend gets a harpoon through the chest and it turns out Stamper is here for some reason. Bond and Lin are captured and handcuffed together on a helicopter that takes them to yet another of Carver’s building. Lin recognizes a Chinese general leaving as they arrive, but then they’re brought before Carver as he’s typing up an obituary for the two of them. It’s been a while since we’ve gotten a dose of exposition, but luckily Carver’s there to inform us that Lin is a Chinese spy. Thank goodness, if I’d had to figure that out on my own this recap might have taken me months to get through.

Carver asks Stamper to torture Bond and Lin a bit while he goes off to meet with one General Chang, but Bond and Lin make a dream team and they easily escape despite still being handcuffed together. If there’s one thing this series loves more than exposition it’s a chase scene, so we get a nice scene of Bond and Lin on a motorcycle being chased by Carver’s goons. They eventually escape and manage to get out of their handcuffs, but then Lin gives Bond the slip by handcuffing him to a post. She works alone, by gummit! Bond catches up to her just in time to see her ambushed by another squad of goons, but she hands each of them their asses with a bow on top. This is a James Bond movie, though, so of course Bond has to arrive at the last minute to save her from being shot by the one goon she hadn’t gotten to yet. Bond deduces that General Chang is working with Carver and wants Lin dead.

Bond and Lin deduce that Carver is going to use the missile he stole off the Devonshire against the Chinese, and they decide to radio their respective governments and let them know about Carver’s schemes. Lin is amazing at her job and figures out that Carver’s stealth ship from the first scene is hidden in Ha Long Bay. Lin and Bond head that way while joking about how Britain is a corrupt western power and communism sucks, because everybody in this movie’s got jokes. They find the stealth ship as it’s heading out at nightfall and plant some bombs on it. Inside the ship, Carver once again explains his plan to pit the British and Chinese forces against each other and starts firing off missiles. Carver spots Lin and sends Stamper to collect her, knowing Bond must be nearby. Bond tricks Stamper into thinking he’s dead by throwing the body of a henchman offboard, and Carver calls for Lin to be brought to the bridge so he can gloat to her about his wicked machinations and do a racist parody of martial arts moves.

Back in jolly old London Town M finally got Bond’s message and lets everybody to know about Carver’s schemes. Carver really drives home his plot by laying out step by step how General Chang is calling a meeting of Chinese government officials, only he’s not going to be there and the meeting will have an unexpected guest in the form of that pesky missile from the Devonshire. We been knew, y’all! Once the government officials are taken out Change will seize power while the British and Chinese fleets destroy each other. What is Carver actually getting out of this? Why, exclusive broadcast rights in China for the next hundred years, of course.

Now, I know at this moment you’re probably asking yourself, “你在跟我开玩笑吗？”, but I promise you, Carver really is doing all of this so he’ll be allowed to broadcast his dumb news network in China for the next one hundred (100!) years. Will Carver be alive in one hundred years? I’m famously not a scientist, but all available evidence points to a solid no. Will anybody give a shit about printed or televised news once the internet takes off in about five years? Some dweebs will still get The New York Times delivered to their houses so they have something to feel smug about, but, I mean, c’mon. Nobody’s going to care about CMGN once news is only a few keystrokes away, and if they’re anything like me they’ll be constantly up to date on all the important world happenings thanks to the reputable and reliable reporting found at Infowars.com (my only trusted news source). Carver’s plan is as shortsighted as it is dumb, which is to say, approximately, ‘as hell’. Now that I’m done roasting this Steve Jobs lookin’ nerd, let’s get back to the show.

Bond holds Gupta hostage and lets Carver know he’s still alive. He proposes to trade Gupta for Lin. Carver doesn’t actually care about Gupta, though, so Carver just shoots him to take away Bond’s bargaining chip. Bond had a backup plan, though, and he sets off a grenade with a Chinese spy watch he stole from Lin’s headquarters earlier. Rude, but effective. The explosion allows a British ship to detect Carver’s stealth ship, and Lin and Bond are able to get away. The British try to shoot Carver’s ship out of the water, but he’s still intent on firing that missile. Lin gums up the ship’s work, making it a sitting duck for the Brits to blow up while Bond tries to blow up Stamper with a rocket launcher that was inside the ship for no reason. It still takes the Brits a few tries despite Carver’s ship not moving anymore, but they finally land a hit and Carver’s goons prepare to abandon ship.

Stamper thinks Bond was killed in the British attack, so Carver sends him off to the engine room to deal with Lin. Bond sneaks over to disarm the Devonshire missile, but Carver gets the drop on him and we get one last bit of sweet, sweet exposition as Carver describes how the missile can’t be disarmed and the Brits are destroying all the evidence of his involvement in all this. He’s going to get what he wants and still get off Scott free! Only, of course he’s not, because Bond turns on the drill that killed the Devonshire and feeds Carver to it. Bond gets to work stopping the missile, but Stamper threatens to kill the now-captured Lin if he doesn’t back off. Lin tosses Bond a handy gadget that will stop the missile from launching (but not exploding) and Stamper drops her into the water to drown while he and Bond tussle. Bond traps Stamper next to the missile and dives down to save Lin as the missile explodes inside the ship, killing Stamper.

M is informed that Carver’s dead but that Bond’s not, and M tells Moneypenny to spin the story to make it seemed like Carver killed himself. M’s just chock full of humor today! A rescue ship looks for Bond and Lin, but they choose to make out instead of being rescued.

The End

~~~~~

Hoo buddy, my sources are telling me this was a bit of a stinker! Maybe it’s just that this is the follow up to the spectacular GoldenEye, but there was a lot going on here that just didn’t work for me. As much as I appreciate having the movie’s plot spoon-fed to me, I think it might have been a good idea to show rather than tell at least once over the course of two hours. There was just so much exposition in this one! And I’m absolutely flabbergasted by how lame Carver’s plot was. We’ve had some stretches in logic from villains in the past, but usually they at least want to get rich or take over the world in something. Carver just cared about being able to broadcast in China! I’m sorry, but a memorable villain this scheme does not make. Michelle Yeoh can’t help but be fantastic in everything she’s ever done so of course I loved her as Lin, and while there were still a few moments where Bond got to save her I still think she held her own much more than most Bond Girls are allowed to. It felt like we were getting a crash course on fridging with the whole Paris thing, but honestly she was so inconsequential to the plot that I’d pretty much forgotten her until I happened to catch her name a second ago while I was proofreading this very recap. As corny and out of place as it was, I actually loved M and Moneypenny constantly trading quips and jokes, and while I can’t say for sure I think this M is getting a lot more screen time than any of her predecessors (which you won’t catch me complaining about). This movie was cheesy and the plot was incredibly silly, but there were still some fun fights (i.e. the ones where Michelle Yeoh got to beat up a bunch of dudes) and as much as I was rolling my eyes I still came away from this film feeling like I’d had a good time.

Overall, I’m giving Tomorrow Never Dies QQQ on the Five Q Scale.

News flash, we’ve got some more wonderful recaps for you to enjoy coming soon! First Eli will be back to cover “Rose and Fern” and “Runaways”, the next two episodes of The Golden Palace (can’t WAIT to read Eli’s thoughts on both of those for [very different reasons]), and then before you can blink I’ll be back to cover the next James Bond movie, The World is Not Enough.

Until then, as always, thank you for reading, thank you for contemplating ethics in game journalism and thank you for being One of Us!