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#say ''im so bad at it'' bc I'm not anything at it. i just don't do it
strwberri-milk · 2 days
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Can i request lnd boys talking it through with us during readers first time 🥰 soft praises and reassurance 🥰🥰
im gonna do a thing where its just. what he's gonna say to you bc the act itself is p standard - def missionary and him being so so so gentle with his movements to prevent hurting you + lets him watch every expression you make - this is also just making me realise how like. my dialogue for smut really doesnt change too much omg they sound so similar erfeafoaf
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His focus is primarily on your your face the whole time, looking at you intensely with every movement of his hips. He doesn't want to hurt you so he's going to take it slow, holding your hands as he gently whispers praise at you.
"You're doing perfectly for me. Yes, just like that."
"You feel perfect wrapped around me like that. I don't think I'll be able to last long. Hmm? No, that's a good thing. It means you're doing good."
"Please - just a little longer. I'm almost there."
"Don't hide your noises. I need to know if you feel as good as I do."
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Xavier is very hands on. He's holding you tightly, keeping you in place as much as he can despite your squirming. His pace is unintentionally teasing, long slow grinds as he really savours every movement of his body against yours.
"No, I promise I won't hurt you. I'll take good care of you, I promise."
"You're so warm - I don't know how long I can hold back."
"Look at me. I want to see what faces you make."
"Just a little bit more. I know you can do it."
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Rafayel is so sensitive to your touch - more than you ever thought he could be. He's always been receptive but the way he's acting right now, face buried in your neck as he slowly fucks you really takes the cake. You can't escape his presence at all - he's holding you tightly as he absolutely devours you.
"Don't look away from me - I've been dreaming of this moment for far too long."
"You - don't do that - I want to take my time with you."
"I need you so bad. Please don't hold back."
"Yes - yes, just like that. Keep going - you feel so good."
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Sylus seems like he'd be rough with you but when you finally end up in his bed he's holding onto you tightly, keeping you pressed against his chest as he showers you in kisses. He loves everything about you and he really wants to make sure you know that.
"Yes kitten, just like that. I knew you could do it."
"Don't worry if you get tired. I told you I'll take care of you."
"Just lay back for me. You don't have to do anything - I'll make sure you feel good, I promise."
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all im saying is ✨Logan with a knot✨ and Wade overstimulating you bc you cant get away -🦐
shrimp anon more like shrimp COLORS bro your vision is INSANE!!!!!!
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soooo idk conventional a/b/o rules and i kinda don't care so im picturing a heat cycle as once a month endeavour. and bc you're on T you're a HORNY motherfucker and you're angry and violent so it's basically whoever can get their hands on you or knot in you first will take care of you. then as long as you get bred at least once you're fine. then you calm down and it's big aftercare hours bc your post-heat clarity endorphins are going CRAZY
now since your heat only comes once a month, wade treats it as a special occasion. and it wouldn't be fair of him to do the honors EVERY month, now would it?
so even though he's home with you, and logan's not, and won't be for a while, wade wilson will refuse to fuck you. it's not his turn. he did it last month.
and your heat is MISERABLE. imagine the worst period cramp you ever had, combined with hot flashes, searing rage, and it gives your cunt the sensitivity of a fucking bear trap. you'll clamp down on anything that touches you.
so no matter how much you suffer. no matter if you scream, cry, beg, grovel, bite, or commit acts of gratuitous violence against him.
he will hold out.
he will hold out until logan gets home and finds you naked, cuffed to the bed by your hands and ankles, a chewy ball-gag in your mouth getting crushed by your gritting teeth, and wade's holding a wand vibrator to your cunt.
he waves gayly at logan, "hey pinkie pie, merry christmas! wanna come open your gift?"
"jesus christ, are you fucking torturing him?! the hell is wrong with you?!"
"with ME?! where's your holiday spirit?"
logan just stares at him blankly, puzzled by what this psychotic dipshit could possibly be talking about. in response, and in the spirit of the season, wade sings him a song.
"🎼it's the mooost wonderful tiiiiime, of the mooonth~!🎵"
now he gets it.
"oh... okay. so then why did you tie him down like that?"
"well, we had a little INCIDENT earlier..."
--
you had managed to grab one of wade's guns and shot him in the chest
"OW!!! you RESOURCEFUL little shit!!! GRRR, oh~ mysweetboybabydarling i'msoproudofyou, butnoi'mnot, BAD BOY!!!"
--
"no, i mean why didn't you take care of him your-fucking-self, wilson? you really gotta make this my problem as soon as i walk in the fuckin' door?"
"your PROBLEM?! i hand you some prime-time, limited-edition, hot and bothered, ripe for the breeding, tranny boy BUSSY on a silver platter, and that's somehow NOT where your dick wants to spend its evening? am i hearing that right? please tell me i'm not. please tell me you're not this stupid, pookie bear."
instead of arguing back, logan goes quiet. he's thinking. and then, he laughs. that low, husky laugh that you have when you're marveling at the nerve of whatever dumb motherfucker is talking to you. or maybe, when that dumb motherfucker is making a point.
"heh... y'know what? fine." logan angrily strips his clothes off, one by one. his tanktop, "you want me to be the one to knot him? huh?" his belt, his jeans "can't do anything yourself, can ya?" and lastly, his boxers. then he grabs his cock and shakes it at wade.
"so then get me hard, you faggot." he clicks his tongue twice. "c'mon."
wade throws himself at logan's knees and gives him that gawkgawk4000turbotyphoon treatment to get him up. logan sighs in relaxation, grateful that wade was putting his mouth to such better use. once his eyes flutter open, he nods at you, finally giving you even a modicum of attention while you're under intense distress, and he merely waves at you nonchalantly, like how a pedestrian does to a car that lets him cross.
"hang tight, bub. be with ya in a second."
wade works him over until his knot is just barely starting to swell. he then takes his fattened cock and slaps wade across the face with it.
"take his chains off."
"hm... are you sure you want me to do that, princess? he's feisty, y'know. might get yourself bit, if you're not careful."
logan slaps wade again, but this time it's a bitchslap, using the back of his hand. and his claws.
"take. his fucking. chains off."
"mmm, right AWAY, your majesty~!"
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acerikus · 1 month
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Someone being extremely annoying in the replies of my flowey and clover gif and I'm running out of patience 😭
#'well I THINK theyd just kill everyone then never reset in neutral' 'WE decide who clover is at heart' can you not#like. this is a piece of fanart. did you really just reply to tell me you don't like my headcanons or what#like... at least mention the art of you're gonna go on a several reply stint of this...#and im sorry but mmmmh... bad takes. frisk is morally ambiguous and its impossible to know what they'd do without our influence at this tim#but its a. fucking HUGE plot point in yellow neutral that we know what clover does without influence. without us. without flowey.#they stay w toriel indefinitely...#there's wiggle room for why and that's interesting. but its very clear vengeance wouldnt normally be their driving force#and that in itself is interesting! do we make them give into their anger? warp their sense of justice?#are they just going through the motions of getting this done now that they've ended up on this path?#that's all way more interesting to discuss than what feels like just treating them as a nothing character to treat as an insert#they did say its bc they dont like considering vengeance canon but that stumps me even more#why do you think we mold them then????#and idk if the devs said anything about it being noncanon but i haven't heard so#(and the devs also said Clover's gender is 'up to interpretation' and that's stupid so i also just don't care I'm sorry)#I'd rather embrace all routes and consider what that can mean for the characters#vengeance being unrealistic for ut means nothing when NONE of uty is realistic for ut#it's just a cool what if kinda story
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stardust-vi · 5 months
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Dumb ramble but I hate that you can't critique The Thing you love within a fandom space without some dude breathing down your neck like "Well actually that means you hate The Author and The Thing! And what about all the times The Author did this Good Thing? Checkmate, liberal." as if you can't be critical of something because you love it and want it to be better.
#just. i'm in a rush rn so i'm probably not articulating myself well and i could go more in-depth with my thoughts#at the risk of someone spinning my words into “cringe blue hair pronoun wants to cancel araki!” which... will happen inevitably#even though i don't know how many times i can repeat “i do not hate araki#this is specifcally about jjba btw because like.#look i love it and araki has done some good things (or at least had good intentions in most cases)#but i'm so over the fact he constantly has to reach for some form of traumatizing women in his writing#and I already hear “well it shows they're a villain!”#but does he HAVE to use assault? why does he have to use that instead of demonstrating their villainy in other ways#that don't need to use it as a crutch#i'm not even saying you can't ever write about assault#that's not my argument either.#I'm not even accusing him of being a bad writer or person but just. Can we please retire the overusage of assault for shock value?#i obviously don't hate people who enjoy the series regardless#i'd be a massive fucking hypocrite#i mean i've literally been in this damn fandom for 6 years and just now decided to post my art.#but i'm tired of any time someone brings up legit criticisms of the misogyny in his writing#it's met with “but araki did this-” like it changes anything.#i'm glad he did somewhat improve writing women over time compared to the earlier parts#that said. that doesn't cancel out the blunders he did make or will make in the future#even if he has good intent.#or really any criticism of the writing being hit with “but its not supposed to make sense#anyways rant over. probably going to delete later bc im tired.#tw assault#assault tw
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lunarflwrs · 9 months
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&
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bylertruther · 2 years
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when will said it was "strange knowing who it was this whole time" and "he's hurt, he's hurting, but he's still alive" was he not talking about henry? am i insane? did i misinterpret that scene? why are we acting like will is connected to anyone other than henry bro what is Happening 😭
that was henry that shaped the mind flayer into that spider-like form and it was henry that used it to possess will and it was henry's thoughts that will was experiencing against his will and it's henry that he's still feeling because the connection/"vecna's curse" hasn't been broken. they physically extracted the mind flayer from will's body, yes, but his connection to henry was never broken. henry can't exercise complete and total control over people without the mind flayer's power, which is why will has free will over his body but his mind remains connected to henry.
the characters, and by extension the viewers, thought it was the mind flayer behind everything, because they didn't know what season four revealed to us.
henry wanted to control will's mind and body—a complete and entire violation of everything will is. that was Not the mind flayer, and they tell us that more than once. with all love and respect what are some of you on about because you're starting to make me feel like my memory is genuinely broken or something lmao like i thought.... the big reveal was that it's always been henry? they literally say that? eleven, henry, and will all confirm it? the mind flayer was not a separate entity acting alone... thus will has beef with henry most of all because henry's violation of his mind and body is still ongoing... Where Are You Guys Getting Your Information From 😭 hELP
will's rape—because that's what possession is, he never consented to having his mind and body controlled by anyone else—is an important part of stranger things; both to the general plot and will's character. to say that will only has beef with the mind flayer and not henry is reducing what henry did to him and reassigning blame that very much falls on henry's shoulders. henry was controlling the mind flayer and henry is the one still in will's mind. henry used the mind flayer to have control over will. henry and will are connected. the show literally tells us that over and over again. when you decide to needlessly reassign blame, not only are you misunderstanding and misconstruing the plot, but you're also... not understanding what happened to will at all. like, what really happened to him and how that's used in the show.
henry very likely was the one that kidnapped will. henry is the one that will has a psychic connection to. henry is the one that raped will / possessed him if you prefer that term instead and used the mind flayer to do it. henry is the one that will still knows like the back of his hand, because henry is the one that's still in his head. it's not the mind flayer. it's henry. please stop saying that will doesn't have more than enough reason to want to kill his ass. please!!!
#rape tw#rape mention#triggering myself on main like a fucking dumbass but the worms in my brain are holding on to this one n gnawing at it#am i insane am i genuinely having memory problems am i the weird one#eleven and will can both kill his ass but don't act like henry isn't the one that ruined his life i'm—#i feel very strongly abt this bc i just feel like you Can't reassign blame in rape cases u have to see it for what it is#they're literally fake but. please don't try to absolve bad people like that#they're characters not people i know but. please don't do that lol. henry is a bad guy for many reasons and eleven and will BOTH have#reasons to merc his ass. we can say that it's okay we're not taking anything away from eleven by acknowledging the plot and the#actions that the characters have made like i promise u no one is forgetting eleven who is literally the biggest character on the show#it doesn't matter but also it Does matter to me bc we don't always see rape victims on tv shows or movies that are treated like will#and it just makes me sad when like. stuff that happens in real life (abusers getting off scot free) happens in fiction. bc its like ok cool#not even in the fictional world can there be justice huh lmao cool cool cool very cool and awesome and great love it#actually no im gonna say it bro yes henry tried to kill eleven twice but like. he literally raped will. so yeah i think will deserves the#final blow bro idc. idc idc idc will has to live with that for the rest of his life he has to remember what it felt like and what all he#did under henry's control like. he deserves it. let him maul his ass let him fireball him to the pits of hell idc idc everyone else go home
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beesorcery · 2 months
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google how do i tell my dad that the reason i keep bringing up elon musk's transphobia isn't that i've got gen z political tunnel vision that makes me blind to his "innovation" in electric cars but because i am desperately crying out for you as the father of a trans child to feel just as outraged and angry as i am that that man has so much power
#edit: warning the tags get pretty personal whoops. however tumblr is like a diary to me so. but if discussions of father issues arent for u#it's not anything he's directly said but like. when we talk about it i can tell he's clinging to this like#image of musk as this inventor working for the good of humanity#because he's admired him for a long time and like i get it it's hard to let go of your heroes when it turns out they're trash#but. he's always been trash. is the thing. and i've been saying this.#and it would be nice to feel some solidarity! or support! or empathy idk!#and not like. lectures why tesla is actually progressive or why spacex is the best thing to happen to science since fucking penicillin#and sometimes ppl who push the world towards progress rub people the wrong way#god like. we were in the car the other day talking about it and i mentioned tesla moving to texas bc of the law protecting trans kids#and he mumbled something like well sure yeah he said that but Really... really it's about the taxes......#okay!! who give a shit! that's not the point! the point is that he's got fucking legions of alt right fanboys who hang off his every word#so when he says something that is good for trans people is actually dangerous and bad and hurts kids#and when he openly publicly deadnames and misgenders and LIES about his TRANS DAUGHTER. it's fucking dangerous! and it makes trans people#(IE ME. YOUR CHILD.)#feel unsafe!#it should get you angry! it should make you rethink how you saw him previously! it should make you want to stop supporting him!#idk. i mean my dad has never been like. against me being trans. and he's worked really hard on the pronouns and not deadnaming me#but it's stuff like this where it feels like he doesn't grasp how he's de-prioritizing my perspective as a trans person and.#his Child.#and how his first reaction to me starting t was 'no.. why would you do that :('#it just feels bad. i love him so much but it's shit like this that makes me feel like i don't matter to him or like i'm disappointing him#and then he gets confused when i tell him that i feel that way#wow! sorry for this. i should get serious about finding a therapist i dont think i knew i felt all this until i typed it out#im gonna add a tag at the beginning of this. as a warning. lolololol. lol. anyway#got 2 pick up my t tomorrow and also email my dr for more wellbutrin haha slay! hit the slay button. dispenses ssris.#god i'm so tired sorry i'm delirious actually. also i saw my brother this weekend which was so nice and he's such a weirdo which also#makes me weirder by proxy
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taegularities · 1 year
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being here has never felt this suffocating.. it feels impossible sometimes to continue
#i wish you'd talked to me about it instead of making a post with screenshots#because that was nothing i did intentionally... i didn't wake up thinking 'i will be racists today' it was a mistake i'm not proud of#i meant my apology and i said i understand when people are offended and that i'm sorry#i know it was wrong and i'm ready to learn from it to not hurt people anymore and idk why it warrants calling me a full racist#and i don't know how you saw that ask bc it was days (or yesterday? idk anymore) ago and you blocked me weeks (months?) ago#you'd have to actively seek that ask out or look through my posts if im blocked for you#and if it wasn't you but someone else who pointed it out for you idk how you guys got to the point of scanning my blog#if i ever hurt anyone im ALWAYS open to talking about it. i remember once using a word wrong and someone pointed it out on anon#and I've never used that word ever since#i would've immediately apologised and deleted that bit too if you'd texted me just one sentence a la 'hey that's so not okay'#and you did the same thing when i went alway last time... never communicating but going against me while so many others reached out to me#if i didn't see anything wrong about this thing now i wouldn't have made that post. im not scared of disagreeing with ppl#and i don't know what you want me to do? i didn't even know M when their thing happened and still felt bad for them.. me or those who are#defending me didn't go against M... how would you think it's the same people? idk man#idk.. i can apologise a 100 times and it won't be okay. and if i don't say anything im dodging the topic it'll never be enough no matter#what i do#reach out to me jords tell me what i can do bc i did NOT mean to ever hurt anyone and im so freaking sorry that i did#<— this msg especially to those who were directly hurt#idk what to do so you stop posting so many screenshots#if you want ppl to stop supporting me then...yeah idk guys stop supporting me — unfollow me it's absolutely okay bc i know that was#uneducated af of me#to all sweet ppl who reached out thank you i see your messages#i'll see all those that'll come too.. i just wont answer so no one drags y'all#thank you that's it#go ahead and screenshot this too. i can't do anything else anymore#also.. the only parts i edited in my apology were 'i didn't mention japanese' and 'i dont feel superior' which i did after waking up cos#my post was made at 5am after randomly waking up during the night#edit: stop sending my friends asks saying i deserved this. i never told anyone to defend me.. they CHOSE it and they're allowed to#that's it... thank you guys and ily#ill brb. not too long just a bit
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mementoasts · 1 year
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jonathan sims head archivist of the magnus institute london
#IM JUST POSTING HIM RANDOMLY BECAUSE I CANNOOOOOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME DRAW ANYONE ELSE. I HAVE APHANTASIA MAN IT'S HARD OUT HERE#i just started season 3 and heard him mention the graying hair i was like hm.. what if i tried drawring some characters.#i'm actually super happy with how he looks... i had some prior inspiration bc i followed one artist who's posted fanart b4--#(which is how i first heard of the series) and so i already kinda had a picture of him in my head bc of that (i love their art sdfghgfdjh)#so i was jus sketchin and i was like.... yeah this looks ok. i wanted his hair to be kinda just pokin up every which way in front--#--because i imagine him constantly running a hand through it. otherwise it'd look nice n tidy. i just sketched til it looked good enough#the eyes were easy because i wanted sharp and tired. the color was just me testin shit out and being like oooo that looks pretty#the outfit..... i just googled some like business casual stuff LOL. i thought it looked nice#bag and flashlight because he's dungeon crawling#he's also filipino for no reason other than i said so#OHHH YEAH freckles. freckles are cute. also worm scars.#i gotta say i didn't wanna put glasses on him but i thought he looked nakey without em.. but also it might be bc i was strugglin w lineart#the glasses make him look younger i think. which is bad!! he needs to look at least 35!!!#i dunno if i have it in me to draw the others;;;;;;;;;; martin i can't figure out a color scheme for-- and tim & sasha.... waauugghhh....#it's hhhhaaardd because when i'm like reading anything i cannot *picture* characters.... i just get like..... a feeling yknow.....#again i already had some vague images for jon (and martin) bc i saw fanart before lol so that's what showed up in my head#i have a good *feeling* of what sasha should look like but i cannot for the life of me draw it....#i keep sketching and going “noo this doesn't look like her” <- i DON'T know what she looks like#i've somehow instead ended up with a sketch that really feels like melanie tho lmao#if you're somehow at the bottom of this long ramble i will send you $500.#the void given form
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doueverwonder · 1 year
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so anyway diagnosing with google obviously isn't completely reliable but I need to find something that I can pull up to try to convince my dad to let me go to a doctor; and uh, I was reading about fibromyalgia? and it said it mostly diagnosed in adults but the symptoms typically start much earlier so i went "oh, i wonder when"
11-15.
The symptoms of fibromyalgia, all of which I have, typically start the same time all my stuff did.
Hm
Hmmmmmmmmmmm
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izzy-b-hands · 1 month
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My doctor messaging me at 12:30 in the morning to tell me she wants to do a telehealth visit abt the side effects I'm having with my new Lamotrigine dose (including worse insomnia than my usual insomnia, as u may have guessed lmao) is. something.
#text post#like i know why i am awake babe why are YOU awake this late#and god why do we have to do another visit#they aren't bad enough to make me stop this dose and i haven't been on the new dose long enough to let it even out#can i not just Not have to do another uncomfortable visit where even if things turn out okay after#i later feel like I'm still not being wholly trusted/treated like i know my body and how i feel#i had worse side effects restarting this med months ago and we didn't have any additional visits for that#they fucking forgot to even book me for a f/u and i had to call in and beg for one basically#and then they misbooked it for the wrong reason and with the wrong doctor#and made it out like it was my fault when i made clear i begged and told the receptionist i spoke to to book said appt#that it needed to b with my doc for the Lamotrigine and that i hadn't been told when to follow up so i was just. doing it#bc she said i needed to but then didn't say when to book it#they're trying hard and im trying to give them grace but then this shit happens and like#im tired. makes me want to go into my new doc like nah never mind im fine. don't ask me nothing and i won't bug you with anything#unless im dying or nearly dead already.#would suck beyond believe attempting to raw dog life mostly again but goddamn. im so sick of this lack of stability with my care#anyway. probably an appt next Tuesday which is great#that's the week of the weekend that i work again and the week before my bday#(a bday I'll be working now which I'm not normally irked abt but. i am a bit rn)#so cool. yeah. let's stack anxiety and fear over a medical appt on top of everything else for that week#and that's not counting that this weekend I've been tasked with buying and getting signed a v expensive and rare figure#for my mum's bf and I'm kind of terrified im gonna fuck it up#he paid for tickets to the con the figure will be sold at and that the person he wants to sign it will be at#so if i fuck this up he'll want (understandably) to be paid back asap for that#and that's money i don't fucking have rn#i really wish she had waited till the actual day proper to contact me bc i couldn't sleep before this#and now i definitely cant bc like#it's dumb. but what if she takes my med away. it isn't perfect but it works better than any other med I've tried#what if she wants me to try a new one. i cant do that and b dealing with major side effects during the intense work schedule#that'll be happening for me v soon and then into November
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bucketofchum · 8 months
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Been dealing with some really bad self esteem shit lately...
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rutadales · 2 years
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that's not a shameful secret as a foolish blog it's a 'recognises eret abandoned the idea as soon as it wouldn't make her the main character' secret
LMAO i meaaaan ur not wrong 😵‍💫😵‍💫
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onocleqs · 2 years
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can't fucking believe vent is still down. where else am i gonna yell about being ill
#anyway it is Day Two and. i feel better in some ways but worse in others#had the worlds most disrupted night of sleep and now i'm coughing a lot more than yesterday and it sucks#but my throat feels less sore for sure. feels like my body is fighting this thing off super hard 💪💪💪💪 shame about the full body aching#and overall lack of energy. ooouugghhh and the lost voice of course. but this always fucking happens#i'm gonna have to pass on games night tonight if i'm still coughing a lot and/or still missing my voice#but aaaauugghhh the love of my friends will surely heal me like nothing else. unless they make me laugh and send me into a coughing fit#rambling#my god yeah thats one of the worst parts of being ill. cant watch anything that makes me laugh. im fucking dying of boredom here#sure there's other stuff to watch but no funnies and no video games when that's all i want rn. havent watched any more flapjack in DAYS#it's nowhere near as bad as covid so this is entirely unnecessary but i am once again getting thr urge to document my symptoms#with a god damn spreadsheet. but it's not as complex at all so eh.#i can't say too much about how much better i'm feeling just yet tbh bc i'm still back in bed hfkdhgkdh i can walk sure#but i need to go downstairs and make breakfast soon which is the REAL first hurdle#also the question of am i ready for toast again or do i need to stick to porridge just to be safe#not gonna lie. i didn't love the noodles i had yesterday so i'm wondering if i'll have the appetite for something else#i want a sandwich so fucking bad but i don't want to eat dry bread at the same time. aaauuggghhh#my sibling offered me a hot chocolate last night and i had to turn that down bc chocolate plus cold for me is a big no#but aaauugghhh a nice warm drink probably would’ve been rlly nice#i return once again to announce that got damn! i feel notivesbly better than i didn an hour ago and my voice is like 30% back!#which means that by tonight i might very well be at a functional enough level to hang out with friends after all#i can always dip if my energy levels tank again or whatever but like honestly hanging out with them is like. i need that#the last two days havent been great and i miss them and we have a lot to talk about so yeah i will do everything in my power#to be there tonight. but i will not force myself or push myself too far. bc i am the king of self care 💪💪💪#god sorry back again but. it continues to fascinate me how any kind of illness affects me in the same ways consistently regardless of what#kind of illness it is??? right now i have whats mainly a cough which is honestly rare for me when i get ill#it's usually more in the nose department and sometimes the throat but rarely the chest#and yet 9 out of 10 times i lose my voice. i Always struggle with low energy (altho thats a problem outside of being ill too jfdjgdhfhd)#have a hard time falling or staying asleep and i get nauseous if i sleep laying down enough#but also i am the king of hard and fast aka i get like 24 terrible hours and then recovery is super quick. i'll be back to 100% health in#less than a week. my poor fucking step dad has been in stage one for a WEEK it's really awful. but i have the power of youth on my side 💪
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harrowharkwife · 2 years
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#god i need to go back to therapy but i don't want to unless i can find a therapist#who is experienced in working with autistic adults#i just. ive accepted at this point that om not going to get anywhere#or get anything helpful#out of therapy until/unless i start acknowledging my autism in the process instead of trying to continue pretending it's not there#like. talk therapy just isn't going to be useful for me otherwise. I've hit the ceiling in terms of what progress i can make#without turning over that log#and i just. i really WANT therapy for my autism. not in a 'fix me' sense bc there's nothing wrong with me#i love my autism#but. it's getting to be really god damn fucking painful and embarrassing and heartbreaking feeling like i can't have a fucking conversation#i just. i want to work on my social skills. they didn't use to be this bad idk what happened! the pandemic probably tbh but ugh#i just. never know what to say or how to say it and it feels like im constantly fumbling and im never paying enough attention#to the other person bc im too busy just trying to fucking listen to them and process what they're saying and figure out what to say back#and i just get so nervous about communicating correctly that what comes out of my mouth doesn't match my thoughts at all#i barely even know what i'm saying half the time and that's. terrifying#but it's just so hard finding a therapist already let alone finding one whos a) experienced in evidence based and compassionate autism care#and b) normal and not an ableist freak about it
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sluttyten · 2 years
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#i can't tell if my bedroom is actually so cold#or if my hands and feet are absolutely freezing due to my anxiety#but i'm going with anxiety bc like im wearing a sweatshirt and sweatpants in my bed with flannel sheets#and a thick comforter and another blanket on top of it#the thermostat says my house is 72 degrees but my feet have felt like icicles all day#but im also pretty sure they're sweating which is a little tmi#but im currently stressing over jury duty so 😗✌️#googling what kinds of things i might be asked so i can try to figure out answers that won't get me selected#which is difficult not knowing what kind of trial it's going to be#just hoping i give off enough anxious and biased vibes that i don't get selected#like my social anxiety has been hitting for the last few hours#i can call in a few hours and find out if i even have to show up and that alone is driving me insane#i can't do anything right now other than research this stuff#like i want to write or finish watching this show i've been watching but i can't enjoy anything right now i can only think about this#it's like the other night when i got the summons in the mail and literally didn't do anything with the rest of my day#was reading something earlier about waiting to be selected for jury duty and my heart was pounding and i was imagining it#and like thinking about how i'm definitely gonna feel like i'm going to puke tomorrow im gonna be so shaky#i haven't felt like this in like 5 years since i was last in school and had to worry about public speaking or big projects#like they gave me such bad anxiety i get so hot and red and like get a little buzzy in my ears... yknow casual things#so earlier i was freaking out thinking about how they select the jury foreman which i absolutely 100 percent cannot do#i can't speak up in public even when it was in front of a classroom of people i've known for years#i couldn't bring myself to speak up and ask questions or say thoughts for a discussion (to the point where i failed a project once bc of it)#but i've never been diagnosed with any form of anxiety by a doctor or anything like that so I don't know if i even have an anxiety disorder#but just like based off of a lot of things i've noticed over the years and the way that i'll like focus on a thing that's causing me stress#to the point where it's debilitating and i can't do anything except freak out about it#i'd say i've got something going on.... like back when i had that promotion offered to me at work and i literally cried in my room stressed#about the pressure of the position which i then only held for a few months bc i can't handle the social aspect of it#anyway i've ranted enough now i'm going to go and try to do like anything.... finish writing maybe
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