#schlatt my man. my guy. my dude.

[heart-schlattack]

HI. WHAT THE FUCK. HE HAS A REALLY NICE VIBRATO????? AND THE RANGE ???????? HELLO?????

[princessbiteme0o0]

Hear me out…

So minors DNI bc this is just my opinion and it relates to sex so

I constantly see these fanfics of Schlatt being mean and while it is a… Pleasant thought, I don’t believe it to be true at all.

Forewarning- I am so depraved for this man, I’m sorry.

Schlatt is such a cutsie little shy guy and when it comes to him with someone in bed, I am 110% certain that he would be the most affectionate, giving and supportive partner. Whether that be with supporting you in your career, making you a stay at home wife or even just giving you the occasional every day support from between your thighs. I couldn’t believe anything less than I could believe that he would be a mean lover. I believe that he’s a ‘you want it, you got it’. He tries so hard to cover up his sweetness with this asshole facade, but dude no. Have you seen the way he treats his cats?

NSFW

And oh god the sex. I could just imagine him in your ear like ‘Does it feel good, Doll?’, ‘You want me to go rougher?’, ‘Deeper?’, ‘Is that it honey?’, ‘There it is, that feel good, Pumkin? I know I know’.

Like I just imagine him being so verbal and talking you through every second of it. And DEAR GOD, he would love, love, love eating her, you, who the fuck ever out. I just imagine his favorite feeling in the world would be your thighs wrapped around his head, squeezing his cheeks between them and your hands tangled in his hair, holding on for dear life.

The biggest thing I imagine with this man as far as ‘mean’ would be overstimming. I imagine that he would wanna see you cum at least five times on his face before he even fucks you and then I imagine he’d want two more at that point. I feel like his libido would last for hours. ‘C’mon Sweetie, one more. Lemme see one more. ‘Wanna see that pretty little face all fucked out. Yeah that’s it, there ya go. Good girl.’

I would still fight on believing he has a daddy kink.

[sunshine-on-marz]

JEALOUS RANBOO AND WILBUR (seperate) x FEM!READER. ITS A NEEEEDDDDD.

Ok so I really hope I do this ask justice

(I added Tommy and Jschlatt bc they’re my sillies)

Wilbur〞

-He’s not a super jealous person person

-Lies^

-He’s more scared that someone will be better than him

-Which is dumb

-Because he’s so boyfriend

-So when an (admittedly handsome) guy starts flirting with you

-He’s quick to walk over and justly kiss the top of your head and introduce himself

- “I’m Wilbur, their boyfriend. Who are you?”

-His voice almost shakes but he pulls it together

-He needs lots of extra cuddles that nights

Ranboo〞

-This guy is another not jealous but just scared one

-They just want you to be happy

-But they’re really scared that it won’t be THEM making you happy

-So when you’re laughing and smiling with some guy he doesn’t know he suddenly gets quiet.

-Stops mid sentence with Aimsey

-Texts you a quick “can you come see?”

-You happily walk over and they kiss your cheek

-The guy you’d been talking too immediately walks off to some girl across the room when he sees you with who you’re clearly dating

-Then it all clicks to you so you’re glued to ranboo all night and everyone is happy

Tommy〞

-This dude doesn’t get scared he just gets sad

-Walks over and asks you “who’s this?” with the biggest puppy eyes and it breaks your heart

-“It’s just my friend Tom, [Friend] this is my boyfriend, Tommy, Tommy this is [friend]”

-Then he’s fine

-But he does stay next to you for the rest of the night

Jschlatt〞

-Ohhh this guy

-He’s more possessive if anything

-He trusts you more than he trusts himself

-He knows you wouldn’t cheat

-But he still doesn’t like his partner getting flirted with, because who does?

-So when someone from the staff at the creator party you’re at gets a bit to comfortable Schlatt is fast to step in

-“Hey toots, who’s he?”

-^Said in the worlds snarkiest voice

-Hands grabbing your hips and chin on your head as he smirks at the guy

-You, being oblivious to the man’s real intentions, smile and introduce the men to each other.

-Schlatt won’t lead you away from the guy, infact, he encourages you two to keep taking

-But he stays put right behind you

-Starring daggers at the man

-So the conversation ends rather quick 

——————

I fear I may have gotten carried away at the end there

[ohbabydollie]

You know those scenes in those old romcom movies where a guy sees his crush and suddenly everything is in slow motion and romantic music is playing in the background?

Imagine that with Schlatt. The scene? A guy is poorly hitting on her and decides to grab her arm to take her out. Before Schlatt and intervene, his crush punches the guy and he stares at her with lovesick eyes as she brutally curses at the creep

this reminds me of the lego batman meme LMAO

“you mind getting me another drink?” you ask schlatt before he nods and walks away to the bartender

suddenly some creepy dude comes up in his place

“hey sweetheart, what’s a pretty girl like you doing here alone?”

“oh, i’m not alone, my friend is getting me a drink right now” you say with a smile, gesturing to schlatt as the man scoffs

“you don’t gotta lie sweetheart, it’s okay if you’re alone” he says grabbing your wrist before you pull away

“can you not touch me please”you say softly to the man

he rolls is eyes before grabbing you again “c’mon now baby, don’t tell me you’re intimidated by me, i won’t bite unless ya ask me” he says pulling you close

schlatt turns around, your drink in hand and walks closer, now noticing how uncomfortable you look

he’s about to step in before suddenly

“don’t touch ME!” you yell, punching the man square in the nose

the man’s head jerks back and he calls you a crazy bitch before running off as you smile at schlatt who’s now staring at you in awe

schlatt practically hears the music in his head

i just died in your arms to night, must’ve been something you said

[chuckle-clips]

Ted: Sizzle, sizzle, sizzle.

Schlatt: Exactly.

Ted: He’s actually a frying pan. Wait—

Schlatt: What?

Ted: Is that what you…?

Charlie: Dude, I think you might’ve picked up some droplets earlier or something.

Schlatt: Yeah, you might’ve inhaled some droplets.

Ted: Oh, I’m high as a kite right now. You guys both look like bears.

Charlie: You look a little— You look a little flushed right now, how’s the traffic, Ted?

Schlatt: You’re looking flushed, man.

Charlie: Check the traffic report for me. Oh, all clear.

Ted: My hands are tentacles right now. I don’t know who my name is.

Charlie: Dude, I genuinely want you so badly… to— to wake up tomorrow—

Ted: [Laughs] I thought you were gonna end it there. I thought you were gonna end it there.

[All laugh]

Ted: Dude, I—

Schlatt: Charlie confesses his love, finally.

Ted: Dude, I want you so badly. ‘Cause that was right when you chose to breathe.

Schlatt: I want you so badly— [laughs]

Ted: That was right in the part of the sentence that you chose to breathe.

Charlie: Dude, dude, I— someone please just clip that part and like make it an animatic or something and just end the fucking video after that.

Ted: We’re giving our fans a lot of work this episode.

[spookitapes]

jschlatt nsfw visuals part l

summary | porn i associate with jschlatt bc i’m a whore for him

pairing | jschlatt x fem!reader (kinda ft. chuckle sandwich & friends)

warnings/cw | porn, smut, choking, slapping, spanking, daddy kink, getting caught by your friends, rough sex, edging, public sex, fucking in someone else’s bed, degradation, praise, humiliation, orgasm ban, anal, overstimulation, drunk/high sex (with consent), car sex

!! 18+ MINORS DNI !!

!! you need to log in to twitter to see the vids from there !!

not proofread, sorry for any mistakes !!

─────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ────────

quickies

❧ “such a slut for me, aren’tcha sweetheart? yeah, you’re so goddamn easy for me.”

❧ fucks you like he HATES you during quickies…especially if you were being a brat or teasing him beforehand

❧ he’s going all out for the short amount of time given..give him 5 minutes or 5 hours he’s gonna have your legs shaking by the end of it.

❧ that man is gonna choke you, slap you, spit in your mouth, and still have time to fuck your throat with his dick that’s covered in your cum.

in an unlocked room of a nye party

❧ you did not see yourself ending up here…on some dude’s bed at a nye streamer party your boyfriend invited you to

❧ but schlatt doesn’t tolerate disrespect well. so when the host’s roommate started flirting with you as soon as he disappeared to get you two drinks…you knew he ur pussy was done

❧ he watched in amusement as you tried to let him down easy at first, but when he started calling you a bitch and grabbing at you it took schlatt all of three seconds to be between you two

❧ his fist clenched the man’s collar as you tried to calm him down

❧ “baby it’s okay- i’m okay!”

❧ “he’s not worth it, jonny!”

❧ “b-baby please just let it go!”

❧ he dropped eye contact with the man when he felt your nails digging into his shoulder

❧ he knew he had to push him away when he saw the worried look on your face— tears threatening your waterline

❧ but big guy’s gotta get his frustrations out somehow, and he knows the perfect way to get revenge and make you feel better

❧ so with a sigh, he releases the douchebag’s shirt with a shove and grabs your hand to lead you upstairs

❧ “yeah i bet you like gettin fucked on this prick’s bed knowing he could walk in at anytime, huh? like knowing the closest that bastard’s ever gonna get to this pussy is the fucking stain on his sheets.”

❧ you’re praying to the almighty man himself that jonny doesn’t notice the way your stomach twists up with the flames of an orgasm building..

❧ but god’s not listening and he’s laughing along with your boyfriend..who’s grinning down at you as he leans in to your ear

❧ “oh i felt that, sweetheart. felt this slutty pussy tighten up on me when i said that. knew you were nasty— but fuuuuuccck.”

❧ he’s g r o w l i n g his words out at this points

❧ teeth pulling on your earlobe followed by his hot breath fanning against it

❧ “m’gonna make you squirt all over this fucking comforter, doll. leave him a gift to push his face into as he jerks his sorry excuse of a dick off.”

❧ safe to say you two left a wet spot the size of russia and a lasting impression on twitter.

(bonus)

❧ “and to think you kept whining about some dumb kiss…shoulda known i always go above and beyond for my girl.”

giving you a punishment one two three

❧ “count or im startin over, understand?”

❧ don’t even think out nodding your head..

❧ cause he’ll put his fingers in your hair and yank your head back to meet his eyes as his other hand lands the first smack on your ass

❧ “use your goddamn words..you know better than that, angel.”

❧ “y-yes sir!! i understand! i’m sorry won’t happen again..i’ll listen— promise !!” comes tumbling out in a high pitched whine

❧ “ya better or you’re not cumming at all. gonna bruise this ass and leave ya all messy and unsatisfied like a whore. you want that, y/n ?”

❧ as hot as that sounds you definitely don’t want that..too horny and too pent up to be able to breathe without cumming

❧ so you fall into submission easily, counting out each spank he gives you

❧ thanking him profusely after he’s satisfied enough to slide his big fingers into your cunt

❧ “don’t thank me yet, i still haven’t decided to let you cum.”

❧ he can sense the frown spreading across your face at the whine you let out, so he picks up the pace of finger fucking you

❧ his unoccupied hand returning to giving you more harsh slaps across the ass

❧ “drop the attitude, toots or m’not gonna let you cum. just gotta keep being a good girl for me, can ya do that? can ya reach back here and give daddy a kiss?”

❧ so you gather all your strength as you strain your upper half to face him, tears falling down your cheeks as you reach for his lips

❧ it’s anything but what you’re expecting— slow and passionate. full of the love and softness as he batters your pussy and let’s you moan into his mouth

❧ “such a fucking good girl for me, knew you were in there somewhere. my pretty doll just needed to be reminded of her place, huh? fuck your self back on— thaaaat’s it.”

❧ but every time you’re about to cum he’s pulling his fingers out and spanking your pussy

❧ the frustration builds as you thrash around

❧ whining that “s’not fuckin fair!”

❧ “keep strugglin and i’ll really give you something to cry about.”

❧ his harsh tone makes you come to a halt, eyes red & legs shaking from being pulled back from the edge so many times

❧ and as soon as you still and meet his gaze he’s bullying his digits back into your sore pussy again

(bonus)

❧ “go ahead and cum for me, baby. been so good— yeah, cream all over my fingers…goooood fuckin girl.”

❧ sometimes instead of edging you jonny gives you exactly what you want…he’ll let you cum and he’s not gonna stop till you can’t cum anymore.

❧ “keep on fucking whining like you didn’t ask for this, y/n.”

❧ your chest is pressed against his and he’s got a death grip on your waist

❧ the only sound in the room is your loud cries and the sloppy fucking of his fingers into you

❧ your ass high in the air as he drills your pussy, pulling orgasm after orgasm out of your tired body

❧ “keep still-stop goddamn squirmin!”

❧ it’s barked into your ear, chops scratching your skin as he roughly grabs your jaw and forces your eyes to meet

❧ “i swear to god if keep moving i’ll strap the hitachi to your clit and leave you here all night.”

❧ before you can respond he’s setting a lightening quick pace, pussy spasming round him once again

❧ “fuuuck give it to me, darlin. you can keep going, come on and show me how good this pussy cums for me.”

❧ he only does it as an end to an orgasm ban (when you break a rule so he doesn’t let you cum for a certain amount of time..not even by yourself)

❧ you have to seriously piss schlatt off for him to ban you (he loves your pussy too much)

❧ but when he does…

❧ he’s not touching your pussy at all

❧ not gonna let you touch it either

❧ not even allowed to have your clit played with when it’s a punishment fuck

❧ you have to get off from the anal alone and if you don’t…that’s not his problem lmao

❧ maybe next time you’ll listen and behave for him…

❧ till then he’s using your ass as a fleshlight and lettin your week-long neglected pussy leak out so much it covers your thighs & all of his lower half

(bonus)

❧ “oh goddamn it, babydoll. didn’t know i could get you to squirt without even touching your pussy..imma have to do it again.”

late night car shenanigans one two

❧ it started off so innocent 🥲

❧ jonny asking if you wanted to ride around and listen to music with him at 3 am

❧ it’s a usual thing you two do together when you couldn’t sleep so you didn’t think much of it

❧ so you slipped on a tank top & a cardigan with a cute new mini skirt to match

❧ little did you know that skirt is your boyfriend’s new found kryptonite

❧ so now the skirt’s bunched around your waist

❧ your back’s pressed half against the door half against the passenger seat with your boyfriend’s fingers deep inside your pussy as he speeds down the interstate

❧ the loud bass that’s usually filled the car is silent

❧ schlatt wants to be sure he can hear his favorite symphony— your noises accompanied by the sounds of your wet pussy

(bonus)

❧ “whatcha want to eat, love? i know cumming like that had to make you work up an appetite.”

❧ “don’t worry about me i’ll eat my favorite meal at home. it’s hot and ready whenever i want.” (yes he’d make a little caesar’s joke about ur coochie tell me i’m wrong)

❧ camping with chuckle sandwich seemed like a good idea

❧ till you were drunk in the woods and only 10 feet away from your friends in tents

❧ “j-jonny we can’t..not with them right there.”

❧ “come on doll, they won’t even notice.”

❧ “you and i both know i can’t stay quiet enough for that..baby please.”

❧ as tipsy as he is he knows you’re right..so he sneaks you two out of the tent

❧ he grabs two new beers and leads you back to the parking lot of the forrest

❧ once you’re in the car it’s game over

❧ you’re both insatiable as you make out on his lap

❧ in your drunken kiss you knock the sun visor down and a pre-rolled blunt falls between you two on your laps

❧ you bite your lip as you look between the blunt and your boyfriend..hoping he catches your drift

❧ he catches that shit.

❧ so now your getting railed in the passenger seat as schlatt leans over you and shotguns the smoke into your mouth

❧ the feeling of being cross faded adds so much to being fucked

❧ you’re so sensitive it’s insane

❧ schlatt swears he’s never heard you making these types of noises before

❧ doesn’t even care about the carpet burn that’s starting to form on his knees

❧ the feeling of being crossed and inside of you is enough to make him speed up is thrusts

❧ you’re so lost in each other you don’t realize the sun starting to rise

❧ so lost in the sauce jonny just turns his phone off to stop it from ringing (he doesn’t even check to see who it is RIP)

❧ or hear the footsteps and calls of your names nearing the parking lot

❧ or when your friends finally knock on the car door they’re met with a porn star level performance from you both

❧ you’ll blame it on the substances later because right now nothing is gonna stop you both from covering the seat in another load of your almost future children

(bonus)

❧ “do you think they know?”

❧ schlatt gives you a small smile and kiss to the forehead

❧ “of course not, doll”

❧ you settle at the news, anxiety leaving your body

❧ “we DEFINITELY know.”

[jamiehe4rtsmen]

-> side dish ! : birthday boy

tldr ; it's schlatt's bday ! + interpret the relationship however u want! -> a / n : my basically bday twin 🤪 happy bday big man ! 💌 : mixtape to this fic ; in love or whatever by future teens

,, the birthday boy made it up all by himself ! look at you, "

you tease as schlatt walks through the doorway, grumbling about 'the time' and ruffling his hair, yawning as he dragged himself into the kitchen of his apartment.

,, fuck off, s'too early for this. an' it's my birthday, you can't be mean to me on my birthday. "

he grumbles, slumping over the counter and burying his face in his hands.

,, you're right, the big two-five! sprouting any gray hairs yet, dude? filled out the retirement papers? hey, when you die, will i get your life insurance? "

you snicker, jabbing him in the arm playfully, even though he was a pretty big guy and probably could've easily slammed your face into the counter in his grumpy mood.

,, fuck you. i dunno why i even give you a spare key, "

he huffs, but an amused smirk tugs at the corner of his lips, though he coughs loudly to cover it up.

,, 'cause i'm your favorite person in the whole world? "

you jab, a shit-eating grin on your face as you lean forward on your knees, sitting on the barstool of his kitchen counter.

,, never said that, never will. "

he grumbles.

,, you'll be singing a different tune after today, because i got some big birthday plans for you, jay! "

you chirp in a sing-song voice, pulling out your phone and turning on new york kiss by spoon.

,, suuure... bud, you're always listenin' to music all the time. you act like you're in a 2000s romcom or somethin'. y'know this is real life, right, not a damn taylor swift song or 10 things i hate about you? "

schlatt jabs, scoffing playfully as he ruffles your hair, making you stumble back and forth like a bobblehead.

,, maybe you could use a bit more taylor in your life, "

you argue,

,, -and besides, don't get all grumpy on me now. i have a day planned ahead for you, don't put it to waste ! "

he mutters about 'dumb shit' and 'wanting to sleep in more', but he groans and puts on some more acceptable clothes to wear in public before leaning against the doorway, watching you in the outfit you'd set out to wear on his birthday.

,, ya like? "

you flash a grin, spreading your arms out wide so he could see the outfit and doing a twirl to get the 360 view.

,, eh, i look better. "

he snickers, crossing his arms, then shaking his head and admitting begrudingly,

,, ya look alright. "

you gasp playfully, feigning clutching your chest in utter shock, pretending to gasp for air dramatically.

,, did you just.. compliment me? oh my god, have we looked out the window? are pigs flying? has hell frozen over? "

playing into your joke, you frantically search the windows, pulling the blinds away and trying to spot either a) pigs flying or b) hell freezing over. schlatt lets out a snicker at this, putting up his hands in surrender.

,, hey, i can be nice sometimes! now get yer ass movin', i wanna see my surprise. "

he huffs like a little kid, pouting dramatically as you excitedly shove him out the door and drone on and on about how this birthday is going to be his best yet, how no other birthday in his 25 years of living will ever compare to this.

the two of you stop in front of an old-fashioned diner that says bel aire diner in big letters.

,, here we are! "

you beam, gesturing to the diner. the inside was bustling with people, the diner seemingly a fan favorite for the locals. you knew schlatt had a soft spot for older places and media, like for example loving radiohead or his video game highschool fixation in place of newer media.

,, wow, this place actually looks.. kinda cool. "

the two of you walk in as a peppy host ushers you to your table, where ted is sitting with a wide grin on his face.

,, jay! "

he beams as schlatt seems to light up, a dopey grin on his face as he pats him on the back.

,, hey, man! woah, i didn't know you were in new york. you been keepin' somethin from me? "

he jests playfully as ted politely shakes his head, chuckling a little bit and tilting his elbow towards you.

,, nah, they asked me to come to celebrate your 'big birthday bash'. "

ted explains, gesturing to you wearing a proud grin, puffing out your chest and crossing your arms as to say 'yup, that was me.'

,, you invited ted? "

schlatt's eyes widen comically as he sputters, his gaze darting between you, then ted, then back again like you guys were in a cartoon.

,, well don't sound so surprised. i can be nice occasionally or whatever. i'm a sweetheart, y'know. "

you joke, causing ted to giggle as schlatt scoffs, rolling his eyes and crossing his arms, a smirk on his face.

,, and we got you a booth, cause we know how big of a baby you are about not getting one. "

ted adds, ripping on schlatt a little bit as he nudges him playfully, sliding into the booth as you and schlatt scoot into the seat across from him, shoulder-to-shoulder, facing ted. schlatt grumbles a begrudging 'thank you'.

after chatting about work and ted ordering a sandwich and sliding it over to schlatt, exclaiming, "we have to eat it together! it's a sandwich, and we can chuckle and it makes CHUCKLE SANDWICH! get it, ha-" before ted got smacked upside the head by schlatt as you quietly snickered in the background. the three of you chatted about sports and any interesting 'online tea' you'd heard, ted going on a long rant about a youtube rabbit hole he went down about some niche content creator and schlatt talking about his trip to japan with ted and how he explored his photography hobby while there. they ask you about your life, and you go into animated detail about practically every interaction you've had since you informed them last (which they've come to expect at this point: a 'how is your day?' is never a polite greeting to you, it's always an excuse to load your day on anyone who'll listen). ted and schlatt, your friends, were willing to listen, which you appreciated a lot.

,, ...and here's one of ted and i's gifts to you, big man! "

you pull out a box from under the table where schlatt can't even fathom where you got it from, sliding the white mysterious box onto the middle of the table. both with expectant grins, you and ted open the box to reveal a white cake with sprinkles inside and red frosting on the rim that says YOU ARE OUR FAVORITE PAIN IN THE ASS.

immediately upon seeing it, schlatt bursts into uncontrollable laughter.

,, the hell kinda cake is this? it's s'podda say somethin' nice, like 'happy twenty-fifth' or 'your mutton chops are sexy', not- that! "

he complains in between bouts of laughter, gasping for air and clutching the edge of the table as he did.

,, well... " ted turns from you to schlatt, grinning proudly that he loved your guys's gift so much. ,, the mutton chops are very sexy. but we though this fit better with your.. sunshine personality. "

,, sunshine personality, "

schlatt echoes, snickering as he grabs a nearby fork and knife, cutting off a slice for himself and, a surprise to all three of you, also cutting you a generous slice and tossing it onto your plate, making a sploot! sound as it landed on your plate, a little smushed. you looked up at him, puzzled, but he shot you a warm grin before digging into his cake like a damn toddler, getting cake all over his face, making ted forcefully shove a napkin down his shirt as a makeshift bib, getting odd looks from nearby customers.

,, you make this? " he turns to you, talking with his mouth full of food as he stabs the cake with his fork. you nod. ,, this is damn good. i'm gonna need you to make this more often. or maybe i should just have a birthday more than once a year to get it, yeah? "

,, that's not possible, dumbass." you quip.

,, i would get a fuckin' time machine and go back in time to make myself be born twice just to get this damn cake. happy now, doctor-who? "

he jokes back, snickering as he chews with his mouth open like a rabid dog, causing ted to chastise him like a mother and clap his jaw shut.

after a particularly exciting yankees game (you paid to put his name on the jumbotron that said happy birthday, which made him burst into a huge grin and exclaim, they know me, man! look how damn awesome that is! you didn't have the heart to tell him you paid for it, so you decided to nod along and pretend the yankees stadium were just huge jschlatt fans.) dutifully per schlatt's request, you lugged his digital camera around, filming his excitable reactions to the game, gushing about baseball and his 'career back in the day' (middle school baseball team), you and ted begrudgingly listening to the story he'd told hundreds of times.

after getting back to schlatt's apartment by taking a brisk walk through the new york city streets, ted informed you guys he was gonna 'hit the hay early' (,, dude, no one says that anymore. you're not a grandpa. " you and schlatt quip in unison the minute he says that, sharing a look of surprise before the three of you burst out laughing). this lead the two of you to sit on the roof of schlatt's apartment, both sipping a comically-sized jug of lemonade in place of his usual alcohol. (he admitted to you earlier, his voice laced with nostalgia: ,, wanna remember this later or somethin. "), making you break out into a grin and tugging him onto the rooftop, which is where you both were now.

where'd all the time go? by dr. dog echoed in the background as you two looked over the skyline, pointing at how everyone looked so small from up here, remincising about life, childhood memories, hardships and funny stories from the day, making light jabs at ted or about how messy schlatt's apartment, and how you were 'the party master' and expected a birthday bash just as good for when it came 'round to yours.

after a beat of silence, you stared down at the new york city skyline, the bright lights flashing in their face. you mulled over how, out of all those people down there who looked so small, they each had their own life, friends, family, goals, enemies, favorite things, favorite movies, etc. how statistically, one of those tiny people's birthday was also today, making that tiny person a birthday twin with your favorite person in the whole wide world, schlatt. the realization dawned on you as you muttered quietly before taking a sip of lemonade:

,, ...jay, of all those tiny people down there, am i your favorite? "

you joked playfully, but it was one of those jokes that was testing the waters of seriousness and playfulness. it was a bit between you two for you to proclaim that you were his favorite person, and schlatt to always grumpily reply 'no way' or 'you wish.' a hint of vulnerability was in your voice as you asked, wondering if your inside joke was just jest or you were just truly another person to schlatt.

,, course. "

he answered without skipping a beat, shooting you a cocky grin (but what you knew as a warm smile) before he too took a sip of lemonade, mirroring your movements as the breeze brushed against his hair tucked away in the yankees cap.

fic playlist:

-> new york kiss , spoon

-> uptown girl , billy joel

-> where'd all the time go? , dr. dog

& creds to the lovely @mikeykuns for the cute little cake dividers. you divider makers are what's keeping us fic makers ALIVE for reals ! you control my life support /j

tysm for everyone who reads, comments, upvotes, etc. i hope you all have wonderful birthdays, wherever they are. take care! - jamie

[writingduhh]

in one of the chuckle sandwich episodes, schlatt says he has a 2 y/o nephew. this made my mind wonder to how he is with kids. either it be his nieces and nephews or your own!

OMG HOW DID I NOT KNOW THIS?!? SCREAMING 😭

▷ Initially, he might come across as a bit awkward around unfamiliar kids. I mean he’s this huge tough looking dude, I doubt he’s trying to go accidentally scare some kids.

▷ He takes the slow and steady approach. Probably starting by just smiling at them and offering a treat, making sure they know he isn’t a threat (I stg little kids are so scared of big men)

▷ After they’ve gotten used to him I bet the second he walks in the door the kids are screaming his name, running up to him asking to play or hold them.

▷ You can practically sense the fear in his eyes when handed a very young baby. The fragility of infants is initially quite daunting for him. They’re so tiny. However, with a few awkward readjustments and learning to support the delicate head, he gradually eases into a more comfortable state.

▷ He will never outright ask to hold a baby, but he’d never turn down the chance. (Just casually watching baseball with a baby laying on his chest 😩 sorry I can’t)

▷ With older toddlers and kids he’s a little more rough, as in holding them upside down as they just squeal laughing.

▷ Definitely gives endless piggy back rides

▷ I feel like he’s the type to rough house with kids. Whether it’s wresting, spinning them around, or playfully throwing them on the couch.

▷ Absolutely SPOILS them! Anytime he’s visiting you best believe he’s bringing a gift. He’ll occasionally take them on a little shopping trip, letting them pick whatever their little heart desires.

▷ Has special nicknames for each kid. I could see him calling his nephew Big Man or Tall Guy just to be ironic. For a girl I could see him doing something sweet like princes or even just sweetie, a classic.

▷ Overall I bet kids absolutely love him because he probably loves to play and is always willing to do anything they want

[crabbunch]

“Scar!” Cub rushes into the room. Scar gasps loudly and falls backwards off of the balcony, dying on impact. “Oh. My bad, dude.”

“It’s fine, it’s fine,” Scar says, getting up from a nearby bed. “It’s not the first time that’s happened today.”

“Yeah. Anyways, did you vote for me?” Cub asks.

“Vote for you- oh! For the tumblr sexy-ma-doodle thing!” Scar says, gathering up his stuff. “Not yet! I’ll get on that right now.”

“It’s really close right now,” Cub says. “I think I can pull ahead, but it won’t be easy.”

“I don’t know what the masses are thinking!” Scar complains. “I mean, I know I’m sexy, but can’t they see your appeal? Don’t they know the power of the Convex?”

“You should make a calendar with both of us on it,” Cub suggests.

“Shirtless?” Scar checks.

“Shirtless,” Cub confirms.

“Yeah, okay,” Scar grins. “Hot Guy… Cute Guy… you can be Sexy Guy, I guess.”

“Sexy Man,” Cub corrects. “Tumblr Sexyman.”

“That doesn’t roll off the tongue at all!” Scar complained. 

“It’s what I’m going for,” Cub smirks. “How quickly do you think you can get that calendar printed.”

Scar pulls off his shirt and out a camera. “You had me at ‘you should make a calendar with both of us on it.’”

- - -

“ETHO!” Bdubs shouts, landing face-first into the luscious, green, beautiful jungle grass. “WE’RE IN A TUMBLRMAN SEXY- AH- A TUMBLR SEXYMAN COMPETETION!!!” 

“Oh snappers,” Etho murmurs, closing his shulker box and turning to look at Bdubs. “Wait, what-?”

“I voted for you, of course,” Bdubs says, holding up his phone to show Etho the bracket. “You’re winning by a landslide.”

“A tumblr sexyman competition?” Etho repeats, eyes darting between Bdubs and the bracket. “Like- a tumblr competition?”

“Yeah,” Bdubs grinned. “They love us.”

“That’s the place- is that where the- you made a tumblr account?” Etho asks, sitting on the shulker.

“Well, of course!” Bdubs brags. “I had to vote for us! Cleo, too, she’s doing good. She’s the one who told me about this in the first place, actually.”

“Oh,” Etho says. “Oh.”

“You’re winning,” Bdubs says again. “I voted for you.”

“I’m not making a tumblr account,” Etho folds his arms. 

“Aw- come on, man! I voted for you, it’s only fair that you vote for me!” Bdubs whines. 

“Nope,” Etho repeats. “Not on your life, Bdouble0.”

“Fine,” Bdubs says, pulling his phone out again. “I’m gonna rally the troops, though. I’m gonna make sure you win.”

“Wait, no, don’t-” Etho begged, but it was too late. Bdubs was flying off to who-knows-where to convince the masses to vote for Etho. 

- - -

“Tango,” Zedaph says, frowning at his phone. “Are you-”

“Yeah,” Tango smirks. “I’m sweeping.”

“Oh, come on!” Zedaph whined. “Impulse-”

“I’m beating Fwip,” Impulse says.

“Jeez!” Zedaph throws his hands in the air. “Is it not enough to wear a catmaid outfit? Is it not enough to put catmaid pillows in my merch shop? It’s not my fault none of my fans made me a How Bad Can I Be animatic.”

“What’re you even upset about?” Tango teases. “Aren’t you crushing Schlatt?”

“I was,” Zedaph pouts. “The people rallied against me. Did you know Schlatt wears a suit? I should have worn a suit. I should have…”

“Oh, look at this!” Impulse pulls up the poll on his own phone. “You’re not loosing that badly.”

“I’m not sweeping,” Zedaph complains. “I’m not even winning! This is disgraceful.” 

“To be fair, Schlatt is a pretty typical sexyman,” Tango says. “I’m surprised he didn’t get more nominations.”

“Fwip’s sexy!” Zedaph points at Impulse accusingly. “He’s a vampire, and Impulse is still obliterating him!”

Impulse shrugs. “No one’s campaigning for him.”

“Why’d they have to campaign against me,” Zedaph wails. “I’m sexy! I’m hot! I deserve this!”

“...there, there,” Tango reaches over to pat him on the back. “This is more of a popularity contest than anything.”

“That's not better!” Zedaph groaned. “The hermit fans practically rule the polls, and I’m loosing to SCHLATT?”

- - -

“I can’t believe this!” Iskal complained. “I’m loosing to this- this upstart! This young ‘un! Why’s he favorite to win?”

“You’re not even a man,” Stress giggles. “I don’t think-”

“I’m a man sometimes! And besides, I was their first example for a good sexyman!” Iskall whines. “I can’t believe this! I can’t believe it!”

“Oh, quiet your trap,” Stress laughs. “You’re perfectly sexy.”

“I know!” Iskall says. “I just need the masses to realize it…”

“You could try campaigning?” Stress suggests. “Everyone who’s talked about it or posted about it has been pretty successful.”

“Naw,” Iskall sighs. “I wanna win fair and square. Campaigning’s cheating in my book.”

“Everyone’s doing it, love,” Stress points out. 

“It’s the principle of the matter,” Iskall shakes her head. “I can’t believe this.”

- - -

“Joe,” Cleo says, looking down at her phone. “Do you think we’re going to meet each other in the bracket?”

“Well,” Joe peeks over their shoulder to look at the bracket. “I’d say there’s a good possibility of it.”

“I won’t be voting for you,” Cleo says immediately. “I mean, sorry, but. Well. You know how it is.”

“I do,” Joe agrees. 

“I’m doing a violence already,” Cleo giggles. “I’m destroying Zloy.”

“Oh, really?” Joe asks. “By how much?”

“Ninety percent,” Cleo brags.

“Oh, darn, me too,” Joe sighs. “I was going to rub it in your face if mine was higher, and conveniently forget to mention mine if it was lower.”

“I wouldn’t have let you do that,” Cleo says fondly.

“Yeah, but I would have tried,” Joe smiles back. 

“I’m gonna beat you into the ground,” Cleo smirks. 

“I don’t know about that,” Joe hums. “I’ve got a good campaign going. There’s a lot of users saying that you’re ‘too traditionally sexy.’”

Cleo scoffs. “This is a glorified popularity contest. It has nothing to do with actual sexyman merit.”

“Well, maybe I’m more popular than you,” Joe sticks his tongue out at her. “I’ve been campaigning.”

“We’ll see,” Cleo says. “We’ll see.”

- - -

“Come on…” Grian mutteres, watching the percent of votes between Mumbo and Grumbot wiggle back and forth.

“Father,” Grumbot beeps. “Please let me make an account. I need to vote for Better Dad.”

“No,” Grian snaps. “You’re not 13 yet.”

“No one will know!” Grumbot protests. “We can lie!” 

“It’s about the principle of the matter!” Grian scowls. “We can’t commit voter fraud. It won’t be a real victory then.”

“I would commit voter fraud for Mumbo,” Grumbot mutters. 

“I know, Grumbot.”

“I would kill to let Mumbo win,” Grumbot says.

“I know, Grumbot.”

“I could kill Scar,” Grumbot muses. “Everyone says he’s favorite to win.”

“He’ll still win if he’s dead.” Grian points out. “There’s a few- not everyone on here is alive. Or even real. Schlatt died years ago and he’s putting up a good fight. Mumbo’s doing fine. He’s beating you.”

“Good,” Grumbot beeps. “I’ll kill anyone who votes for me.”

Grian pauses. “Now there’s an idea. We’d have to kill them before they voted, of course, but that one’s got some real merit to it…”

- - -

“Jimmy,” Scott sings. “They love me.”

Jimmy looks up at him, eyeliner smudged. “They pity me.”

“I’m gonna wiiin,” Scott brags.

“They called me a wet paper bag!” Jimmy cries. “I’m winning, but not because they think I’m sexy! They just- they just-”

“...” Scott raised an eyebrow.

“Okay, they think I’m a little sexy,” Jimmy admits. “But only because I’m pathetic. That doesn’t count!”

“Take what you can get, Jimmy,” Scott says. “It won’t last long.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Jimmy sighs and pulls out his phone. “I just- Scott, what’s this job you’ve done on the tags? It’s kind of cringe.”

“That’s one of my tactics,” Scott grins. “They love pathetic men on tumblr. I’m totally going to sweep you.”

- - -

“Oooh, Lizzie, I can’t wait to get curbstomped by you next round,” Joel says, lounging on a cat bed. 

“I can’t wait to curbstomp you next round!” Lizzie crows. “Oooh, I’m a fish-cat-lady, and I’m so sexy!”

“No, that’s kind of my thing,” Joel sniffs. “...people are saying I’m trying too hard.”

“Well, you are,” Lizzie points out. “No one’s going to take you seriously if you go around announcing how sexy and tall and lore you are.”

“Oh, but it works,” Joel says. “I’m super tall now and everyone loves me.”

“I’m still going to sweep,” Lizzie smiles.

“Oh, yeah, absolutely,” Joel agrees.

- - -

“You know,” Connor says, sipping a bottle of vanilla. “The syndicate’s doing pretty good in the tumblr sexyman competition.”

“What are you talking about,” Techno replies, biting into a potato.

“Me and Niki might drop out this round,” Connor continues. “But you and Ranboo and Phil… you’ll keep going, I think.”

“What?” Niki wrinkles her nose. “What do you mean?”

“No, no, I get it,” Techno nods slowly. “I wouldn’t have known, I’m not on tumblr.”

“What’s tumblr?” Ranboo whispers to Phil.

“Mate, you have an account, you of all people should be in on this,” Phil whispers back. “You need to start campaigning, you’re barely beating Xornorth.”

“What,” Ranboo says.

- - -

“Aw sick I’m starting to beat Iskal in the tumblr sexyman bracket,” Quackity says, and doesn’t say anything else because he is annihilated by a nuclear bomb. 

[bringbacktim]

Anal? No one's doing anal

I'm having a Jschlatt brainrot rn so expect more imagines than anyone wants , feel free to request anything

Synopsis: schlatt and y/n are putting together a desk , but it sounds inappropriate to Charlie outside the room , he gets worried like any friend would

Warnings:mentions of anal , hurt , sexual intercourse, innuendos, a whole lot of whacky stuff , not proofread or edited

Word count: 806 words

The only things that charlie could hear from the outside of the OTK office/filming room were things that would definitely give him nightmares and make him avoid Schlatt and Y/n for the foreseeable future

Who said I can't put this fucking thing in that hole " schlatt said practically shouting out of anger

"Me ! , for the hundredth time it shouldn't go there no matter how much you ask" his girlfriend answered

"Tell me that doesn't look like it'll fit in there"

"I am not turning around , I know I'm right . Now hurry up before Charlie or Ted get back"

Charlie was torn between making some loud noise and hoping they'd stop whatever they sound like they're doing or running away and never speaking to them again

He did neither out of pure terror and instead pulled out his phone to text Ted to see if this was some skit or some prank they were playing or whether they were actually doing that in the studio where they filmed

'Hey dude, do you know what Y/n and Shclatt are doing in the studio?' He texted simply not bothering to beat around the bush

'Anal by the sounds of it , but I have no clue, didn't want to know to be honest'

Charlie really didn't want the first bit to be true , especially since he was only there to hold one of the cameras while they filmed stuff . He was getting way more than he bargained for

'Gross , don't joke about that or it'll come true' he replied a grimace on his face

'They've been at it for a solid half hour , they should be done soon don't worry man'

'Don't worry man ? You clearly aren't hearing this' charlie scoffed at Ted's audacity

'I escaped with minimal trauma thankfully' he could feel Ted's smugness through the screen

'And you didn't think to take me with you?'

'Didn't know if they wanted you to film it'

'You're disgusting nivison' and with that he put his phone back in his pocket and tried to plan what he was going to do next

"I fucking told you that wouldn't fit, are you done trying yet ?"

"It's going to fit I don't care what you say you god damn bitch"  at that charlie knew he had to do something for the safety of his friends

So he did what anyone would do and knocked on the door rather harshly to make sure he was heard

"Yeah , uh kinda busy" He heard y/n say

"I know you guys are in love , but that's a recording room . Also are you okay ?"

"Yeah fine just pissed at this furniture" schlatt admitted

"Schlatt!" Y/n said scolding him

"Are you both decent? Can I come in?"

"Yeah why wouldn't we be" they both simultaneously spoke

The situation he opened the door to was definitely not what he was expecting, but in a good way

They were just trying to put a new coffee table together to replace the one Schlatt broke in the previous recording

"Oh thank god" Charlie said with a hand over his heart as he breathed a sigh of relief "we thought you were doing anal"

"Anal? No one's doing anal , I'm not allowed to anymore" that comment earned him a firm slap to the chest

"Please stop talking, for my sake" charlie begged

At that charlie showed them the texts him and Ted had sent and they put the pieces together

"Oh charlie I'm so sorry you heard that , we just wanted to surprise you with the new coffee table before the next video" y/n apologised to her friend as her boyfriend loudly laughed next to her

"That's so fucking funny man , how did we not realise" he said wiping a tear from his eye "you look so terrified man" he said still laughing and using Charlie's shoulder as a stabilizer

"Is that why ted left?" Y/n asked shocked that everyone thought they were doing such a thing "this is so embarrassing and it's all your fault" she said pointing at her boyfriend who broke the table in the first place

"You have to admit that it's kinda funny" he said turning to face his girlfriend as Charlie called Ted and told him he can come back

"Charlie has the worst luck when it comes to us" she said sympathy evident in her voice "remember when he walked in on us in Ted's bathroom at that party"

"Be thankful it was him and not Ted" this earned him a middle finger in his direction

"What a wacky day it's been" Ted said entering the room they all were in

"You haven't been here for half of it " charlie accused as they chatted about what to film next

[sardonic-the-writer]

—reading glasses

SUMMARY | schlatt might not seem like the guy to help you with your insomnia, but sometimes an act of kindness can come from where you least expect

PAIRING | cc!schlatt x reader

REQUESTED | no

WORD COUNT | 1.6k+

WARNINGS | none

AUTHORS NOTES | id like this to happen to me irl please and thank you <3

🧢 Masterlist 🧢 Navigation 🧢 Rules 🧢

If there was one thing you knew, it was that insomnia was a bitch.

Sleep had always ben unkind to you. Sprouting up and disappearing just when you had gotten settled in for the night. Lingering like a poisonous mist before bleeding into your morning routine when you would have to be at your sharpest. And most certainly plaguing you at the most unfortunate of times—like during the middle of an important lecture for exams. Or the one time when you had gotten up at night to use the bathroom, only to find yourself still on the toilet come morning with numb legs and a sore back.

But it seemed tonight that sleep was the one thing you wouldn't be getting a lick of—if the dark circles under your eyes weren't already proof enough.

"Jesus Christ toots." Was the first thing Schlatt said when you lumbered into the living room, looking like an extra from the set of The Walking Dead. His ide eyes and parted lips told you nothing new, just that you were as tired looking as you felt.

"Carful. Not in front of the cutout. What would Pope Francis say?" Your joke hit about as hard as a feather to the arms, humor missing Schlatt by a mile as he cringed while taking in your current state.

Said man had been reading a book before you so graciously entered the room, only setting it down once he had heard the shuffling of feet against carpet.

"It's one in the morning dude. Didn't you say you were going to bed like five hours ago." He poked his tounge around inside his mouth, eyes softening a bit while looking at you.

"I did say no promises." You flopped on the couch parralel to him while referring back to the last conversation you had had with the brunette. Where, indeed, you had responded with 'no promises' to the call of you to get some rest.

"So, what. Did you just sit in there doing nothing?"

"I mean, Jambo came in at one point and slapped my face a few times before leaving. If that counts."

"No. No, my bastard of a cat terrorizing you does not count." He ran a hand through his hair with a cackle, scrunching his eyes up at the lopsided smile you tossed his way.

As more seconds ticked by, you could feel exhaustion practically seeping into your bones like a weird form of gray matter. But it never seemed to sink it roots into you, the feeling always clearing up for a few minutes before appearing again with twice as much intensity. Rinse and repeat for a couple of nights and you had yourself some good old fashioned sleep issues.

"Fuck, you look dead on your feet." Schlatt's hands found a home in his pant pockets, bundling up the fabric while swaying back and fourth on his heels. "Do you want to uhm, stay out here for a bit? I could turn the light on for you."

A breathy laugh made its way out of your lips. As dead beat as you were, it was heartwarming to see his attempt to make you feel better. It was a softer side of him you rarely got to see, so you'd treasure every moment.

"No need big man." Your arms reached for the skies in an attempt to soothe the ache between your shoulder blades. "I'll pass out eventually. I just have to hope it isn't in the shower again."

"Sure there isn't anything I can do? I've spent one too many nights of my life pulling all nighters editing videos, or god forbid—" He shuddered dramatically. "—playing five nights at freddys."

A joking response was halfway out of your mouth before you suddenly stopped, brows dipping with consideration as you actually considered his offer for a moment.

"Yeah, you could do something for me actually."

"Really? Becuase you know how people say things to be nice but don't really mean it?"

One deappan look at the foul mouthed man had him shutting up, a small grin staying despite your efforts to burn holes into his head.

"What were you reading before I got in?" You asked with a clearing of your throat, shuffling around on the couch to sit up straighter.

Schlatt seemed confused at the sudden turn in conversation. But he reached for the paperback he had tossed down at your arrival, holding the front up for you to see.

"It's upside down genuis."

"Shut the fuck up I knew that."

He flipped it back round to a legible position, his turn to scowl at your bemused grin.

"Seriously?" Small giggles filled the room as you read the title as clearly as you could in your sleepy state. "Business 101 for beginners? Committing to the bit I see."

"You forget I'm planning to buy Gamer Supps this year. Gotta lock and load the old noggin with the proper information." He paused to blow out a resigned sigh. "And I realize that the last sentence made me sound like a fucking boomer."

"All the greatest businessmen are Schlagg, my boy. But they're also heartless asshole that's probably get off on watching landlord's raise rent." You were straight up rambling from the lack of rest at this point and you both knew it. But to be honest Schlatt didn't really care. He was probably one of the only people able to keep up with your antics, one of the reasons you appreciated him so much.

"Who says I dont either?" Schlatt joked, watching as you rolled your eyes.

"You only jerk off to men. We all know that. Besides, would a heartless asshole offer to read to me until I fall asleep?"

"I am?" His voice rose at the question.

"Yes. Yes you arem"

Schlatt noticed his blunder as soon as a tired, but still annoyingly smug, smirk made its was across your face.

"You know you could have just asked me instead of twisting my words. And taking some hits to my ego." He scoffed in fake frustration. But your grin of victory widened as he picked up the book and began to flip back to the page he had previously left on.

"Well that's not as fun is it. Besides—" You swiftly moved couches to throw yourself down smack dab across from Schlatt, the latter barely looking up in the process. "—I have a feeling I'll really sleep this time."

"As opposed to what. A warm glass of fucking milk?"

"Can you just read already? And try your best to sound boring, I really want you to nail home this college proffessor roleplay situation we have going on."

"What?"

You blinked. That had come out a little wrong.

"Sorry. I had this proffesor in college, boring guy super dull, always managed to make me fall asleep in class and—" You cut yourself off, face warming as you noticed that Schlatt has only been teasing you about your previous sentence. "Eat shit Schlatt. Just read the damn book."

"Whatever you say."

Five minutes later and halfway through a paragraph about the importance of not making your business seem like a pyramid sceme, it was just Schlatt sitting awake at the foot of the couch as he quietly observed your snoring figure.

"Jeesus." He winced as another loud snore ripped its way through the late night air. "You could cut trees with that fucking chainsaw."

But he would be lying if he didn't admit he was happy you were finally getting some rest. He had been in the same situation before too many times than he cared to count, so Schlatt knew you would wake up the next morning feeling better than you had in days. Something he liked seeing, although you could pry that confession out of his cold dead hands.

"Fucking asshole, making me get all soft jusy so they can fall asleep." The lamp light behind Schlatt was shut off as he grumbled under his breath, smoothing the blue hoodie he had been wearing down in preparation to leave the couch before faltering.

With a sigh he resumed his position on the couch, pulling a baseball cap that he had seemingly gotten out of nowhere over his head only after making sure to toss a blanket over you.

As he continued to softly watch over you, a little blob of orange entered the corner of his eye, freezing him for a moments notice.

Schlatt turned slowly to be met with Jambo, who he sternly pointed a finger straight at without hesitation.

"Tell anyone about this, and you're not getting any of that shitty catnip for a week."

He just got a meow in response.

"Good."

Jambos tail swayed back and fourth. He watched as Schlatt curled up on the couch next to you, doing his best to respect your space before giving in and stealing the tail end of the blanket around you.

"Night Jambo. Wake any of us, and you're a dead man."

[schlattsdoll]

'cuz uve only got one chance, kiss her you fool'

kiss her you fool - kids that fly

with schlatt anything but lc!

🍓🩷

first off!! new song added to my playlist that was so good!!! pls drop more wonderful song recs in my inbox strawbs <3

you two came to a new year’s eve party as friends, him only going to make you happy. neither of you knew you’d be leaving as more.

going to his usual spot in a corner while you danced and mingled. “dude, when are you gonna ask y/n out?” ludwig asked him, his eyes following to you where you danced with his girlfriend and ted’s. “she’s not interested.” he point blankly replied. “yeah okay. i see the way she looks at you man. she’s smitten.”

you two were extremely close, spending time at each others places, sharing clothes (mostly you stealing his and laughing at him in crop tops), going out every weekend together. schlatt thought you guys were just friends, but that didn’t mean he didn’t want something more.

he laughed at his friend. “ya sure she’s into me? i don’t see it.” “that’s because you’re blinded by your own feelings.”

midnight fast approached, realizing he was running out of time to make his move since someone else started dancing with you. some guy he didn’t recognize. “you better hurry up jay, ‘cause you’ve only got one chance. go kiss her you fool.” ted, who’d joined in while schlatt was admiring you, added.

making his way through the crowd, he found you swaying to the beat next to your mystery man. “mind if i cut in?” he asked “all yours.”

you smiled up at him, “the wallflower is finally loosing up! dance with me jay!” you wrapped your arms around his neck, even though it wasn’t a slow song. you just wanted to be close to him. his hands found their way to your waist and pulled you closer as the countdown started. “looks like ‘m gonna be your new years kiss doll.”

“i wouldn’t want anyone else. to be honest, i was hoping it was you… i wanna be with you.” “then why don’t you start the year off as my girlfriend?”

“3,2,1… happy new year!” your lips collided in a gentle yet passionate kiss. the kind that was full of months of pining after each other. every one hollered and cheered ringing in the new year while you two quietly smiled at each other, finally being together.

[neverthelesshex]

Hide and seek

Jschlatt x reader

Summary:

What happens when someone calls you and wants to play a game of hide and seek

You had already had a long day your boss yelling at you for somthing that wasn't your fault, your printer breaking, coffee getting spilled on your skirt, and the overwhelming feeling of being watched.

As you get home you still feel a pair of invisible eyes on you **rrriiiiinnnngg** **rriiiiiinnnnggg**

"Hello??" You sneer annoyed

"Hey pretty y' all alone" the mystery man huskly wispers

"Good prank call dude find another number" you groan annoyed

"Mmmm no it's not you got a real pretty black skirt on hugs your ass so good" he huffs

"W...what" you Crack who the hell was this man and where is he

"How 'bout we play a game sweetheart you hide, and I seek if I find you I get a prize"

"N-NO WAY" you breath out

"1...2...3" you drop the phone before you can finish running upstairs into your bedroom hiding into your closet trying to cover yourself in clothes.

You hear your back door crack open your heart rate you hear heavy slumped foot steps comming up the stairs tears slipping from your eyes then your closet door opens

"Found you" he smiles "I've been s'lonely" he pulls you out from the clothes hugging you, you thought you'd be more scared but it melted away when you saw this teddy bear of a man

He starts to kiss you kissing in your hair your ears and neck "I've been needing to breed a pretty little minx like you, especially when you walk into the office with your skirts hugging you ass" he growls in you ear

'HE WORKS WITH YOU??-' your mind racing trying to think of his name

"S...schlatt??" You wisper

"Mmhmm you remeber my name pretty girl huh~" he hums while gripping your chin before kissing you, to his surprise you kiss back he tightens his grip on your chin and waist you finally let your arms snake around him feeling him up

"So you gonna let me breed ya sweet heart" he questions

"Mhm" you hum while nodding

"That's good" he says before walking you over to the bed and laying you down and him getting on top of you unbuttoning your blouse kissing along your collar bones and between the valley of your tits, you feel your panties dampen from this clenching your thighs

"You taste so good honey" jschaltt smiles

He pushes up your skirt rubbing the wet patch on your underwear it takes a second before he finds your clit and it sends vibrations though your body you let out a soft gasp

More fluid gushes from you "mmm y'gonna take my cock hun"

"Yes please" you whine

He slides off your damped panties stuffing them in his back pocket unbuttons his jeans and tugs them down just enough for his cock to spring out, he taps the head of his cock against your vulva before sliding it up and down causing a small gasp to escape he shoves his cock in making you groan gripping his shoulders

"F..fuck" you cry breathless your eyes slightly rolling back

He starts to form a pattern brushing your g-spot barley making you frustrated because you can just barely feel that bliss that you desperately craved

"Please go deeper jschaltt" you whine annoyed

"Man turning into a cock whore already" he smirks

He goes deeper pressing against you g spot just right making you let out guttural moans you start to feel the build up of an orgasm

"M'gnna cum" you wisper out

"Mm go ahead honey cum all over my cock" he says kissing you

Somthing in you snaps your legs start shaking and you're seeing stars jschaltt kisses you back into reality as you feel his warmth flood into you

he pulls up his pants and leaves

You hope he calls again

(Sorry this sucked I have 0 motivation o have a month left of collage and testing has been kicking my ass and I just got broken up with again he's dating his girl best friend I'll try to get motivation soon guys)

[simplepotatofarmer]

Hello!!! Would absolutely love to know if you have any personal headcanons of each dsmp character appearance i.e the hybrid types they may be? (Is Dream human? Or is he some kind of goat-hybrid? Or shapeshifting blob??!)

HM.

for c!dream, he's either human or a rabbit hybrid to me! i tend to think that 'just human' is more canon, if you will, but rabbit hybrid is kinda my favorite. i think it's very fitting, as someone who has a rabbit! i specifically see him as a light brown flemish giant or a palomino rabbit, leaning more towards the latter!

c!wilbur is usually also just a guy but if i give him animal features, in my head he's based off a secretary bird!

c!bad is a very tall demon man. c!ant is basically just a cat except a little bigger. think puss in boots. that's ant to me.

c!puffy and c!schlatt are both sheep! a cotswold and a jacob's sheep respectively.

c!tubbo is a goat i guess because it's popular headcanon but honestly? i see him as his minecraft skin. he is just some blonde teenager to me. same with c!tommy. you could find both of them at a mall or whatever.

c!skeppy to me is like.... a diamond construct thing. or at the very least, some kind of diamond based imp. but generally i see him as this small construct! kinda like a copper golem but skeppy.

i dig the idea of a pig hybrid c!niki (i love pigs) but generally she's either human and pretty buff or i'll go with the cat hybrid thing!

c!tina is a jackalope demon thing masquerading as a cat girl. c!hbomb is, hear me out, a cow hybrid also masquerading as a cat girl. this makes sense in my head.

then a lot of my opinions do fall in line with fanon opinion for the most part. like, yeah, phil is a blond dude with wings. techno is obviously a pigman. same for the rest of the dteam (though i kinda have a thing with c!george being part warden 'cause of how much he sleeps, don't ask but they're also both blue coded so). c!sam is obviously a creeper hybrid of some kind.

i want so badly to have c!eret be a swan or peafowl hybrid because those are so elegant and especially peafowl have some amazing colorations that scream royalty but i do dig the herobrine lore connection.

if i had my way, c!jack would be a cyborg donkey hybrid, specifically a mammoth jackstock. it would look so sick.

anyway. my favorite websites are livestock ones, can you tell?

[chuckle-clips]

Charlie: Oh my god. Yeah, yeah. 

Schlatt: Yeah. 

Ted: Wow. 

Schlatt: Yeah. 

Charlie: Well… Good stuff, guys. 

Schlatt: Good stuff.

Ted: Yeah, good stuff. Wow. 

Schlatt: Never gets old. It feels like you never left us, yknow.

Charlie: But I did. 

Schlatt: Like you did all those years ago. 

Charlie: And you— And you made it happen. Yeah, you caused that. You did that. You did that. 

Schlatt: I did that. 

Charlie: How’s the guilt— How’s the guilt been treating you? Like is it…

Schlatt: I… yknow, I cry every now and then, but I think a little bit of tears is kind of yknow, kind of embracing… that sensitive side of— of who you are. 

Charlie: That’s beautiful, man. 

Schlatt: I think that can be helpful sometimes. 

Ted: Hm yeah. Famously sensitive character Schlatt. 

Schlatt: Please come back. Please come back.

Charlie: You kinda sound like you’re gonna— It kinda sounds like you’re gonna cry a little right now. 

Schlatt: Please come back, dude. No, no no. I’m not going to, okay. 

Charlie: I don’t know. 

Schlatt: I’m not going to. 

Charlie: I don’t know, what if I kind of like— What if I—

Schlatt: I just really could use your presence a little longer on this podcast. I don’t know how long I can keep doing it, okay. 

Charlie: Yeah dude. Here, no, don’t cry, don’t cry, I’ll blow on your— I’ll dry them out—

Schlatt: I’m not crying! I’m not crying, I’m not crying. 

Charlie: You just look like— You look like it’s coming out— [blows]

Schlatt: I’m not crying. I’m not crying. 

Ted: What did we talk about, Schlatt? No emotions. 

Schlatt: I’m not crying. We said I wouldn’t— We said I wouldn’t do this.

Ted: No emotions. 

Schlatt: I know we agreed I wouldn’t do this. 

Charlie: This has gotten— This podcast has gotten a lot more tox— So you guys don’t feel anymore on here? You don’t do any feeling? 

Schlatt: No, we listen to fucking dumbasses in our inbox these days who can’t even be funny to save their lives. 

[most-creature-vibe-tournament]

Round 3 poll 3

Propaganda:

Arthur Lester (Malevolent)

Eye horror but yellow

More arthur lester propaganda: he should be dead. He should be dead ten times over and he isn't. What the fuck is he. This is not plot armor btw an eldritch entity openly speculates about it

actual cannibal arthur lester

okay I’m putting this into the comments so I can represent my horrible little podcast man. C!Quackity ate Schlatt’s heart but Arthur ate a whole guy. And also assorted pieces of other guys. And he had a horrible time with it. They are both cannibalism baddies but Arthur is fundamentally changed because of it. C!Quackity had a bad ex Arthur had a losing-and-finding-humanity-again experience and was pulled back from the brink by the god-thing in his head. Creature!!

#I love alex quackity as much as anyone but Arthur has straight up eaten a guy#yes yes Schlatt’s heart and all but Arthur went after the whole guy. also it was horrible and traumatic#and it started a whole thing of Arthur seemingly becoming less human while the god-thing in his head become more human#so. not to pit two cannibalism baddies against each other. but quackity is a businessman first and arthur has never looked put-together a#single day in his life. that man is a Creature

Arthur lester propaganda (spoilers): he crawled through tunnels and smashed an old woman's head in with a rock. He seems to other people to talk to himself. Often about murder. He whimpers pathetically several times per episode. He ate a dead human's raw corpse and only felt bad about it because it also hurt his friend. He chopped a man's arm off. He's such a deranged little creature.

Malevolent is the story of a dude fighting the instinct to become a creature and (so far) losing. So much so that the eldritch being in his head is going "woah dude, chill out". I think he wins easy

Pearlescentmoon (Hermitcraft)

A lot of people draw her as a moth!

#ok I gotta step in here#Pearl is a fuckin creature of all creature#shes an alien a moth a literal goddess a 4am bloodthirsty fighter and queen of the deep frost#you can look up clips of her making the most creature noises as her default noises#she is the most creature

im sorry pearl is one billion percent creature

#PEARL SWEEP#im sorry that is a 36 year old man#she is an alien. otherworldly being

#let's be honest here#especially at s9 she just makes the most creature of noises#Gem claims she's an alien#like sure people can turn grian to a god/watcher but that doesn't necessarily mean creachure#so vote pearl