#seattle polycule

[couldnt-think-of-a-funny-name]

benoit blanc gets hired to solve an ongoing lover's quarrel that's turned deadly. he quickly deduces that the killer is the husband's girlfriend, but then, as they're wrapping up, another murder occurs. the girlfriend's girlfriend is killed, and there are no immediately obvious first suspects. but slowly all clues start to point towards the original murderers husband as the killer! as he's being led to the cop car, a sniper takes him out! so now benoit has to investigate that murder! it ends up coming out that his wife's girlfriend's wife took him out for revenge. but while she's in the confession room, her husband mysteriously dies! blanc investigates and learns he died by arsenic poisoning- and his boyfriend happens to work at an arsenic factory! not the most clever murder, but blanc is confused as to how it has seemingly nothing to do with the previous string of murders. he fixates on this long after the police are willing to write it off. after deep, DEEP digging he learns that the arsenic factory worker was being blackmailed by his girlfriend's girlfriend's boyfriend's husband, and had no choice but to tragically murder his boyfriend- he made it obvious on purpose because he wanted to get caught. as blanc moves in to apprehend the blackmailer, the man in questions wife is tragically murdered. benoit and the cops arrive to arrest him only to find him sobbing over her broken body, her other boyfriend holding his hand. what on earth! as they investigate they learn she had a girlfriend with an extensive criminal record- but she has a rock solid alibi and seems genuinely heartbroken. you know who doesn't though? her best friend that's in love with her and has been jealous this whole time. after MONTHS of this nonsense benoit blanc, greatest detective in the world, traces thread after thread and discovers the original murder victim hired this best friend to kill the blackmailer's wife because they were political rivals and she thought he'd be too distraught to run against her if he was grieving. her own murder was completely unrelated and lead to the rest of the strings of death, but ultimately the woman she hired to kill didn't receive notification of her death because there was so much going on and it's hard to get news circulated to you when you aren't in the polycule yourself.

"foyer fuycks sake," beniot exclaims at the end of this mess, "Ah am nevah, evah, comin' baahck tah seayattle evah a-gayn!"

[citrineghost]

Me and my friend went to Seattle... found where the Seattle polycule is getting its hormones and check-ups

[seattlefactsijustmadeup]

Seattle Fact #1,931:

The Seattle Polycule is a shapeless mass of flesh, left here by the Great Old Ones to perform menial tasks at their behest. Eyes and mouths constantly form and unform across the Polycule's mass as they emit faint bioluminescence. If the polycule comes for you, do not resist. We all become part of the polyblob eventually.

[amtrak-official]

Can you speed up the Empire Builder, I'd like to fuck my girlfriend but I don't want to wait two days?? Or even just add internet access on the train so we can sext? Spin it as a pride month thing, the Seattle polycule needs to expand to Chicago.

We'll consider having wifi on trains, but we will not speed it up because the greater Seattle area Polycule can not be allowed to spread to the East Coast. Also part of the appeal of rhe empire builder is the views, which would be harder to see on a faster train

[minervatheslime]

What if the Scooby gang are the originating patient zeros of the greater Seattle polycule.

[unhallowedarts]

Finally figured out the reason I’ve been having so much trouble with dating apps since I moved to Seattle is because every single profile reads like a parody of a Seattle dating profile. And they’re completely serious. 

“DemSoc on the streets, Anarcho-Collectivist in the sheets.”

“Often found trail running, shooting action/nature/erotic/drone photography, practicing acro yoga, electric unicycling, or drinking matcha while greeting a mountaintop sunrise.”

“I treasure experiential learning, alchemical gratitude, the embrace of discomfort, mutual inspiration, and co-created magic”

“No hierarchy here. No partner or friend has privilege or takes priority over another.”

“My kink is primarily energetic & nature based”

*8 paragraphs about how non-vegans are evil because meat production is destroying the environment*

It sounds EXHAUSTING to be around these people! Everything is praxis and nothing is chill. How do you people live like this. My new bio is gonna have to be: “All I want is somebody to watch trashy television with and then tie me down and fuck me. It’s not that complicated.”

[corin-tuckers-left-one]

Not to make light of a terrible situation but I think Ezra McCandless could have saved everyone a lot of trouble if she'd just moved to Seattle and joined The Polycule

[foldingfittedsheets]

I live in the Pacific Northwest. While I sat near a tattoo shop in my car with my betrothed I watched people start to exit. And more people. A few more. And then one more after that.

I nudged my fiancée and said, “I think that’s the Seattle polycule everyone’s been talking about.”

[emmaverick]

Somehow, the Seattle Polycule returned...

[teethmeat-and-gums]

So who wants to take bets on which member of the Seattle Kraken are part of the greater Seattle polycule?

[jadesage]

I think if Paris took a few pointers from the Seattle polycule, there would be a lot less akuma caused by heartbreak.

🐞🐉🐱

[thickest-antivirus-programs]

hey guys its my first month living in seattle and i just got my first date

-tweeted at 9pm

guys i got the weirdest hangover, i feel like my soul has connected to some sort of hive mind macroorganism. any advice? should i see a doctor if i dont feel sick?

-tweeted at 11am

[what-did-i-get-myself-into-blog]

I just randomly remembered the rumored existence of the giant Seattle polycule

[seattlefactsijustmadeup]

Seattle Fact #3,151,937:

The Seattle Polycule is the world’s longest continuous romantic relationship. It has existed since before recorded history. The S.P. has an ever-changing number of eyes and mouths and originally moved to the PNW in order to build temples for the Great Old Ones (pretty easy to do when you can just manifest limbs and change size/shape at will).

[carfuckerlynch]

capitol hill graffiti is just as good as i had hoped

[willowcrowned]

han and leia are three times divorced and four times married. han and lando are twice divorced and once married, but both of the divorces happened before the marriage. han and chewie had a beautiful religious wookiee ceremony but never did the paperwork. han and luke have been fiancés since the party right after the destruction of the first death star.