#see: every time i private my blog its for this exact reason

[away-ward]

HEY EVERYONE LISTEN UP AND LISTEN UP CLEAR.

The reason we all hate the devil's night fandom is because of its bitch fangirl, who just cant see others point in what they are saying.

And all of you coming here moaning and bitching are doing the exact same thing.

YOU WANT TO FIGHT? GO TO TWITTER OR TIKTOK. Leave tumblr as it was.

This blog is not yours stop using the anonymous thing to dump all your hatred or stuff.

Let me be honest most of the stuff i read that you said was BATSHIT CRAZY!!!!

You want to give opinions do that on your own blog and use tags we will answer there WITHOUT A FIGHT.

The only thing you didn't do is give death threats and them bam you are twitter.

Also it's KO's blog alright, just for once think what they must see the minute they open tumblr. They may or maynot get a burnout from answering all these anons.

Tumblr was honestly such a calm place to take but oh lord do you think KO is PD? That you are coming at each other's throat here.

I’m posting this because I haven’t started deleting asks yet.

In all honesty, I appreciate the defense, but I would prefer less hostile wording. I’m not one for arguing or forcing my will on others.

But there are points in here that I do agree with.

Please Read

We can disagree on interpretations of scenes and characters. We can see things differently, and we should be able to. As long as we can happily exchange thoughts and viewpoints, that’s what makes a fandom experience enjoyable for me. When people insist on their own way of things is when the joy starts to evaporate. Personally, the moment I see that an agreement can’t take place, I’ll drop a topic and refuse to bring it up with that person again.

This becomes harder when everyone is on anon, and as the asks backlog continues to grow. I can’t expect every new visitor and follower to read all 160+ asks to see if their topic has already been covered. And since everyone is on anon, I have no way of knowing if I’m going around in circles with the same person.

On occasion, I get asks that I know could possibly cause offense, but I never posted anything that I thought was meant to offend. I’m not anyone’s parent or guardian; it’s not my job to protect you from being offended. We control our own reactions to things. If you can’t stop yourself from wanting to argue with someone, please do it on your own platform. Mine is not the place.

I’ll take a break if I need one, but so far whenever it’s gotten a bit stressful, I usually get a sweet ask for something simple and fun that makes me happy to respond. But it can be hard, too. Not only do I have people starting to argue through me, but get asks like this which make me pause and consider if and how to post it, since I know some people won’t appreciate the tone it’s coming in.

I also have received some criticism from a few sources regarding how I’m handling the situation, as well as my responses in general.

To be clear, (and I’m not sure if I need to start adding a disclaimer to all my posts, because I thought this was a given), but I am no way an authority on Devil’s Night, nor do I think I am one. I’m working with the same information and source material you have.

Most everything I say is based on my interpretation of scenes and characters. The only time I think I’m “correct” is when the source material directly supports what I’m issuing as fact. As an example, a few asks ago, someone said they couldn’t believe Emory would have an insta or social media in general. But I brought out in NF she does have an insta, so that’s canon. I only remembered this because I too was surprised that she would have one.

I wanted to know what teenage Emmy was doing with her insta. I assumed it was probably private. Did she take pictures to document how her projects were progressing? Pictures of her grandma? Who did she follow?

How often did she look up Will? Did she have a finsta to follow Will??? That would be funny, but I doubt she’d go through the effort.

That single line lead to so many questions and now the knowledge that she had an Instagram is stuck.

I’m not correcting people just to be right, and if I’m wrong, I’ll happily accept that. But otherwise, it’s all interpretation and each of us can have whatever feelings we want about that.

As far as what I post, I would hope that the people following me would believe that I am not intending to offend anyone or force my view as the only right view. I try to hear everyone out, and comment when I have thoughts, whether I agree or not. Some people think I’ve been too kind and agreeable – agreeing just to keep the peace even when I know it’s wrong – and I understand how it could seem that way. Truthfully, my intent was just to allow other people to have their interpretations, thoughts, and feelings about a scene without trying to make them feel like they're “wrong” or “bad” if it didn’t align with mine.

I’m not sure where the line is, since I’m not about to start fighting with people for saying something I don’t agree with, or for saying it in a way I wouldn’t.

But maybe I can find a balance that will make me seem less inauthentic and less like I think I’m an authority in the fandom space. If that’s how some of you have felt without saying it, then I’m sorry. That was never what I meant to do.

So, since this has gotten a rise out of some and these issues have been brought to my attention, that is the reason I’ve decided to turn off anon or a while. Like I said, it’ll be temporary, and hopefully the situation will cool down. This isn’t to make anyone feel bad for what they’ve done or said. I’m still learning how to properly manage something like this; it’s a highly unusual situation for me, and I hope everyone can appreciate that.

Until the next time we speak, hope you have a wonderful time. I hope you read something you really enjoy. That you see something beautiful, and that if you cry, it’s happy tears only. If you have a pet, give them some love from me. No seriously. That last one is important to me.

-KO

[alilaro]

it’s weird having social phobia and being an online creator at the same time.

on one hand it lets me share all my thoughts, feelings, and ideas through a platform without much consequence. i join fandoms and make friends, and people give me the confidence and feedback that otherwise i would never have in person. you get to be unique in a sea of other unique individuals.

but on the other hand, in real life doing things like sharing my artwork with another individual instantly puts me into a spiral of anxiety and manic depression. peers could say good kind things about my art to my face and i would probably burst into tears of despair and self-loathe myself for the interaction for at least a month.

but online I do this most days? and sometimes interactions do still lead to panic-ridden breakdowns, but its different, somehow. it feels safer showing things to people on the other side of the world than it does showing it to friends and family. it takes the edge off.

it's nice.

[the-last-millenial-disaster]

Hey! Can we get some Sova X Phoenix headcanons? If you’re comfortable with it that is. Thanks in advance!

(A/N: Of course you can! I’ll admit, I haven’t heard about this ship yet either, but I’ll do my best. Enjoy!)

It’s the ‘“watch me benchpress my entire squad!” “Love, with all due respect, shut up I’m trying to read.”’ kind of relationship

Phoenix is a teaser and Sova is a commender

So, you can imagine how the flirting goes

As for the sexualities, I somehow always headcannoned Sova as demisexual (someone who can only develop sexual attraction after they form an emotional bond aka you have to be their friend first)

And honestly I haven’t the slightest on Phoenix. He could be straight, gay or bisexual and I think it would fit him perfectly

So, for the sake of these headcannons we’re gonna say he’s gay

(this is all up in the air though and free for interpretation)

Phoenix is really warm and even though Sova likes cold better he still sometimes uses him as a heating body pillow

Phoenix made a move first. Multiple, actually.

He was flirting non-stop

And the only person who didn’t notice was Sova

It took Sova a second to realise oh, he doesn’t just want to be my friend

Phoenix is a teller, he has no shame and will express his undying love in front of complete strangers if he has to

Sova is way more private, but being with Phoenix helped him get out of his shell

Also, Sova isn’t the bottom in this relationship in case you were wondering

Phoenix is outgoing and fun to be around - it’s never boring in his presence

He takes everything at a really fast pace, which I think is the biggest clash between their personalities

Sova is a hunter, he’s patient and tactical

Phoenix is a case of yolo if I’ve ever seen one

(Well its actually you only live twice for him but you get what I’m saying)

He’s dumb but not stupid if you understand what I’m getting at

Expectedly, Sova is the voice of reason here

But like, I refuse to believe that’s all Sova is

Sova likes to have fun too. He enjoys pranking people too. So he’ll do that, and somehow pin it on Phoenix. every. fucking. time.

And of course people will believe him because Sova would never do that of course it was Phoenix!

He’s like the the Remus Lupin of Valorant

Phoenix learned a lot from Sova

Overall, Sova has a lot of general knowledge

He’s one of those people in whose presence people get smarter without realising

So after a while, Phoenix would start dropping geography and history facts about the places they travelled to, without really registering

And at first people were just??? Confused??? Where did you get this from???

And then they remember ah

Of course he’s dating Sova

Phoenix thinks Sova’s voice is the most attractive thing about him

He could lay there, cuddling for hours, and just listening to Sova talk

SOVA TELLS HIM STORIES FROM HIS TIME ON THE HUNT OK

As a duelist, Phoenix spends a lot of time in med bay

There are some things fire just can’t heal

You’d think Sova lives there, that’s how often he visits

They would sure like to workout together but they can’t because they keep distracting eachother and never get any work done

Phoenix is an extremely talented combatant (they literally call him a prodigy)

Sova completely smokes him (hehe..geddit? Smoke? Sorry I’ll stop) at aiming and long range combat, but in close combat? Gun fights? He never stood a chance

Phoenix is also very flashy

Personality and general living phylosophy

Again, the exact opposite of Sova

But they make it work

When you think about it, they’re a really killer mission combination

Sova finds the enemy, Phoenix goes on the offensive, that baits the enemy into peeking him but hey, what’s that? It’s Sova with an OP, waiting to pick off all of the people who dare set their eyes upon his boyfriend. He never misses. Press F to pay respects.

So they work well together on the field, case closed

They’re about the same height, but maybe Sova has a centimeter on Phoenix

They met trough the protocol, so when things started developing between them they didn’t exactly have much options for dates and stuff

So their first date was in a bar close to the HQ

Neither of them remembers much from that date, except that they had a great time (don’t ask...pretty sure some lawsuits were filed that night)

After they made it official (took longer than expected, but not as long as you’re thinking), they tried to keep PDA at a minimum since they didn’t know how the board would react to dating in the workplace

They were failing awkwardly

Brimstone knew, but didn’t tell anyone out of respect for Sova’s privacy

(Sova and Brimstone are great friends by the way)

Eventually everyone started noticing but no one felt the need to say anything because everyone treasures those little moments of happiness in their line of work

Makeout sessions in Sova’s room since nobody can get up there without Sova’s help

(A/N: Okay, I thought this would be hard since I didn’t really see how they could work at first glance, but when I actually started thinking I realised why this is a ship. I actually had a lot of fun writing this haha. Confident boyfriends owning everyone in their way. This just might be a tbc, depends if I get any other ideas for them.

Also, I wanted to thank everyone for the support, like holy shit this blog blew up in the last month and I aprecciate every single one of you.

A sneak peek of what’s in the works:

Two asks

KIljoy headcannons

Theory time with Omen & Viper (I know I’ve been foreshadowing this for the last month but im kinda sorta a little stuck on it)

Raze and/or Phoenix headcannons )

Thank you for reading!

[babysprouseisart]

Honestly more things are pointing to a permanent separation for SH. No indications of any reconciliation sadly. And it makes it even harder without the confirmation. I guess when they start to get papped with their new SOs will be the day that it is confirmed they are done. And I hope it is soon. This push and pull with them is exhausting

Good day, anon, and welcome to hell. Screams for help will not save you, alas, because when it comes to a topic in which I am 99, 9% sure, I have no equals. I'm sorry you probably got the wrong address, but it's too late. I am merciless and bloodthirsty with anyone who tries to contradict my faith, tries to correct my point of view and convince me of their own, although I did not give it a reason. Because it's my fucking blog where I for x-billionth time has already expressed my exact points and agreed with some people which think and proved the exact opposite to all that you are saying. So be prepared to be slowly but surely tortured by my long ass post.

 So, let's start with what I said about my blog: only good vibes here. I am not interested/concerned about other opposite/negative feedings. I just don't want to make a big deal about it. Here, in my blog, we support Lili Pauline Reinhart and Cole Mitchell Sprouse in any case as couple as well as individuals.

 This means that under no circumstances do we talk about them, their relationships, their projects, their family, or their decisions in a negative way. Yes, we may disagree with something they do, where they do it, and how they do it (what they post, what they like/don't like, write or repost, who they meet, with whom they decide to be, live and communicate with, what they archive/unarchive, and so on), but we do not have the right to judge them or decide how to act. We also can't control it and it's none of our business.

 I repent if I once made the appearance of a person condemning one of them or their family for their actions and possible causes of the separation, it was only my objective external disagreement, points and thoughts aloud, nothing more rude, involved and inappropriate. And I think with many of my words said earlier (or the words of those I follow and reblog their posts) about the behavior of family/friends of Lili, Cole, and so on, people with brains and common sense could agree. Remember this, or write it on your forehead, so that the next time you write to me, you will see these words.

 Moving on, taking into account all of the above, I would like to tell you that it probably won't be enough for one blog to explain to you point by point all my beliefs and points of view on this subject, to prove to you that every fucking word you say is illogical shit and the most real nonsense. It feels like you're an alien who fell from another planet and decided to crawl into our hole with your impressions of a newborn baby who doesn't understand much about the world and its creators. Although in this case, I'm more of the opinion that you are a little asshole, in which the vein of hatred is boiling and you like to come to this and some other blogs to tell us your agenda although we have no idea where you have such rash thoughts, perhaps you have an extra chromosome? Dude, treat your paranoia.

 Further, given that I don't have much time and desire to describe all my points of view point by point, which, unlike your random set of words, really makes sense for hundreds or even thousands of people who have the gray matter to be able to think, I will attach my long - standing post, indicating all the facts at that time proving the opposite to yours. Although, I will try to supplement everything else as much as I can.

 While, we all ( I hope) already realized and accepted that for many reasons, during this quarantine, Lili and Cole had some problems, were distant and ended up apart for a certain period of time, immediately after the end point of the explosion and informing us of all these public actions on social media (I hope you understand), then after a few weeks, they were already confidently moving towards resolution and recovery and that's why:

https://babysprousehart.tumblr.com/post/618026656780648448/hello-i-hope-this-doesnt-come-off-negatively

This was written long before, but still has many valid points and I just want to widen some of them.

Take a sit and follow me word by word.

I shall start my addition of evidence, based on all the guesses and great opinions of others, as well as hints from the Lili and Cole themselves. I would like to start with a significant event and the day when Lili posted a photo from the Antelope Valley on April 28th, well, or 27th, depending on where you are.

Perhaps we lose some missing pieces in this puzzle and forget about something that was done earlier, but I just want to start counting from this moment.

A few facts about this photo/photos:

1) It was posted exactly 3 years later from their famous photoshoot, when very, very, very many people, mostly in media, began to suspect that there is something between them in a romantic way. It was exactly in the same place, exactly with the same style, exactly in a similar image (waving curly hair, light flying dress, black and white effect) and even without a capture. The picture marked the anniversary and is very important for the two of them. An undeniable fact, beat me.

2) That photo was definitely taken by Cole. Why?

Here are a couple more facts in addition to the first:

They have the quality of captured on professional camera.

You can see, that Lili did not tag the photographer and said jokingly that the photo was taken by Milo, why would she lie, or hide that it was anyone else, because clearly she just hid that because it was Cole.

You may have noticed that Austin, when asked who took the photo, whether she took it and whether she is a good photographer, says no and her reaction with a grin and laugh is priceless. She also didn't tag nor the photographer, neither Lili in her photos from there.

You can watch the vlog in the Colleen blog and see there are very similar figures to Cole, Lili and Milo walking along the valley, because, duh, they were there.

You can view her post, where you can see Cole from the back (notice his dark clothing, the same as on one of his post in the profile, which he has already deleted, as well as his position from which the photo of Lili was supposedly taken and it is just in the same place).

You can observe his style of photography and how similar the theme is to the photos from 2017.

You can see the same poppy behind his ear in one of the past stories.

You may have noticed that the photo of Lili is processed with the same effect as several photos in Cole's profile, and I can tell you as an amateur photo editor that it is very identical.

Question: why arrange such a significant photoshoot with your ex after a few weeks of separation? Why is Cole smiling in a photo (black and white one with a mustache and black clothes) probably taken there? Why is everything so secretive if they broke up? Why even post a photo that your ex-boyfriend definitely took? How can you calmly go to this place, which reminds you of your joint travels with your former lover? Therefore, this photo and later another one from there were the first iron arguments in confirming the improvement of things.

 I would like to continue with another ironclad proof.

Lili in early may very fiercely, after a few weeks of Cole's statements about slander and threats, which she did not respond to so clearly at the time, defended Cole and pointed out the private relationship and literally said that people should stop it and even though should hurt and bully her, but not him.

Question: did she defend her ex so publicly? Would Lili talk about a private relationship if that was the way her past relationship was most often? Would she have written anything at all if she didn't care about him and didn't feel something towards him? I don't think so, so it's gibberish to say so (about the break up) when it's the second unquestionable argument.

 Next, we need to talk about the general activity of Cole and Lili in social media. I just want to list some observations, in different order, but it seems like everything we have now:

If earlier it was visible in the posts of Lili that it was clearly a show off, then over time and after the published photos, she began to behave more sincerely and tenderly, began to publish Milo less, began to say that there was only the two of them less, has stopped showing how good she is without certain someone, as if for Cole showing that she could cope without him, which was visible in the posts and stories, she began to talk more about improving her mental health as a result of training, spoke about how later she was feeling better and that she was grateful for those who were with her and difficult times and in light moments, that you just need to live and enjoy.

Additionally, I can say how she shone with each photo, and it was a natural glow of happiness and settling down. She no longer sang sad songs or posted sad songs, on the contrary, posted sexy, funny and relaxed ones. She appeared more in photos taken by paparazzi. She posted sexy, energetic, romantic movies, funny cartoons, watched funny clips, was excited about her project, laughed, danced with her dog, played with a dog with macaroni, cosplayed Willy Wonka (we all have a feeling it’s Cole’s thing, no?), playing with sand, puzzles, posted funny memes in story, which unfortunately coolly accepted as the opposite, posted a poem with a typo and funny answered to a fan who corrected it, told more about poems and attached a photo with a fragment of a poem about love from her upcoming book. She liked some photos from the anniversary of the last episode of the series, where we remember there was a hot scene of her and Cole's character, she liked a Bughead drawing. Yesterday, she actually posted one of the sexiest videos that will not be posted, being single and lonely, we saw that she actually spent more personal time with Cole (I am not saying they weren’t doing t back then), which was investigated thanks to many amazing people here, and even if they don't live together yet, they are more likely to meet and have met with each other, and more hints on sexy times (because, come one, maybe Milo was the one who left a hickey on her neck, huh?), which is undeniable, just compare the fact that she is no longer in the old rental, and he is not in Kj's house, she then posted a photo from some place, which is very similar to where Cole shot a video with Jimmy Fallon.

 He also began to be more active in social networks, exactly after she started posting photos of the Antelope Valley, he posted a series of photos of the kissing couple, even if it was a gay drawings, they were filled with love, there was a photo of him with cattle with the sarcastic caption, then the photo about porn bots, with funny ask to leave him alone and saying it’s not allowed to be horny on quarantine, again a photo of himself with heart eyes that I talked about above, he posted a very funny video recently. There were more photos from the paparazzi after some time when Lili's usually flashed, and then it stopped, then his humorous photo in the washing machine appeared, which she probably had taken, and why so I explained in the attached post, he posted a photo from the walk, which was also probably taken with her, because again, she had a similar location, then he jokingly called Tommy ‘the’ muse, maybe roasting fans, but he didn’t use ‘my’, so, indicating he still has his own muse, then we saw him at that damn party, which caused people's panic, although he is an ordinary person and has the right to relax, and by the way at this party he was very happy and frisky, but nothing bad or shameful happened and he is innocent, then we even saw Cole, after Lili, delete many of the photos, although he had also unarchived some of them several times, as she had, which means that he did not delete them completely, but just removed many of them, leaving the most tender photo after or before the kiss at the famous moment when Lili wanted a toast and eggs at 1 am, or many photos reflecting her body, which also marks not a bad phenomenon, but a simple trolling from them. Proof of this trolling and unarchiving is on the vastness of other blogs and on Twitter, thanks to that girl's video.

 The way their condition and activity on social networks have changed is very noticeable and is also third undeniable fact of denial of the break up. You can compare photos of Cole taken by Alex, where he is clearly very sad and depressed, because it was taken somewhere in the interval of their real breakup. And compare this with his smiling and playful state during the interview with Jimmy, where he also sparkled with happiness and fun, constantly smiling and seemed to be aroused about something (or someone). I think even a newcomer will notice a change in their mood and attitude. You will see the difference. And this does not happen when going through the break up after 4 years of deeply imbued with love relationships. Please understand, damn it.

 I have listed alas not everything that speaks so vividly about things going in the right positive direction and is evidence that everything is getting better again, there will be only more I assure you and you will kiss my ass, as Cole said.

 Execution cannot be pardoned.

 You have one attempt to put a comma and decide your fate, but I think you’ll  fail because you are a total sucker anyway.

 Bye!

[revolutionary-demosthenes]

Two unrelated questions—1: Do you support the theory that John Laurens’s (and possibly Alexander Hamilton’s) death was assisted suicide? 2: What do you think life would be like if Alexander Hamilton and John Laurens could’ve gotten married? I love your blog, and I am totally going to never ever bored in House #7.

These are great questions! This is going to be a pretty very extremely long post, particularly the bit about your first question, so I added sub-sections to make it easier to read. I hope this is helpful!

TW: Mentions of possible suicidal and self-hating thoughts and feelings. If anyone reading this has had these sort of feelings, please reach out to someone and get help. Do not give up. You are loved. You are needed. You are worthy.

1: John Laurens and possible assisted suicide

This first question is difficult to answer, and there are lots of theories on it. It can also a very painful topic to discuss. Please take note of the TW. If this post is going to be triggering or upsetting to you, take care of yourself and skip it.

Let’s review the facts and circumstances around Laurens’s death to start.

After assisting Hamilton with taking redoubt 10 during the battle of Yorktown, John Laurens traveled back to South Carolina to again try and pitch the South Carolinian delegates for his black battalion. This was his third attempt, I believe.  Again, his idea was quickly shot down, and it may have made it worse that that was what everyone was expecting. A letter from George Washington written July 10th, 1782 states, in a somewhat cynical tone perhaps more reminiscent of Hamilton’s worldview, 

“I must confess that I am not at all astonished at the failure of your Plans.That Spirit of Freedom which at the commencement of this contest would have gladly sacrificed every thing to the attainment of its object has long since subsided, and every selfish Passion has taken its place—it is not the public but the private Interest which influences the generality of Mankind nor can the Americans any longer boast an exception—under these circumstances it would rather have been surprizing if you had succeeded nor will you I fear succeed better in Georgia.”

John Laurens was also collecting intelligence for General Greene, his commander at the time. 

It is worth noting that most of Laurens’s time down south after Yorktown was spent trying to find military glory, which he did not achieve. He led several unsuccessful or insignificant skirmishes with the few remaining British soldiers.

Laurens also had just heard of the death of his wife, Martha.

He was confined to his bed with malaria, but heard that there was going to be a fight by the Combahee river on August 27, so he literally got up off his sickbed to fight in what has since been dubbed a ‘small skirmish.’

The British soldiers had been tipped off about the continentals coming. Laurens, who was leading a small detachment of soldiers, knew this. He could wait for more soldiers to arrive, or he and his men could start fighting.

Three guesses as to what he chose.

John Laurens had visited the Stock family the past night, and “enjoyed the company of Mrs. Stock and her daughters.” (John Laurens and the American Revolution, by Gregory Massey)

Now, I know there are many theories on this, but in this post I’m going to be examining two main ones. Firstly, that John Laurens’s death was not suicide, but instead another desperate grasp for glory, and alternately, that his death was to some degree planned and/or expected.

Theory A: John Laurens’s death was not assisted suicide/planned/intentional:

In very simple terms, this theory is mainly supported by the fact that John Laurens (and Hamilton, for that matter) were honor-obsessed and both had a thirst for military glory. Both were needlessly reckless in battle from the very start. Lafayette observed of Laurens at the battle of Brandywine, “It was not his fault he was not killed or wounded, he did everything that was necessary to procure one or t’other.”

Some evidence that also supports this is that Laurens’s battalion idea failed several times. He may have wanted to prove himself by becoming a famed fighter like the warriors of Greece and Rome that he admired. 

His dash to the Combahee can be seen as in line with this. Opportunities for fame in battle were running scarce and Laurens didn’t want to miss any possible opportunity. You can also apply this to why he went ahead instead of waiting for the rest of the men during the battle. It would have been seen as more courageous to face them head on, outnumbered. 

John Laurens was often overshadowed by his father, Henry Laurens. Military fame of the right amount could’ve possibly elevated John his father’s social status.

Also important to note, what Laurens did on August 27th was not out of character. So one could make a compelling argument that even if Laurens was not planning to survive the war, the battle at the Combahee was not necessarily the one he wanted to go out on. Especially because it was such a small action, not a glorious stroke of military genius.

So I do think that it isn’t unreasonable to read John Laurens’s death as accidental, however, if you are asking for my specific opinion I do think this next possibility is more likely.

Scenario/evidence in which John Laurens’s death was assisted suicide/planned/intentional:

(This is where the TW applies most heavily, just one last warning.)

John Laurens had a privileged life in some ways, certainly. He was the son of an extremely rich man, got part of his education abroad, and generally had all the inherent advantages to being a rich white man who was the eldest son of an even richer white man.

But his life (much like his friend Lafayette’s,) though seemingly tranquil and privileged, was filled with grief and loss from a young age. John Laurens’s mother, Eleanor Ball Laurens gave birth 11-13 times. Of these children, only five lived past early childhood. When John was about three, one of his closest playmates, his older brother Henry, died. And this was only one of many times (the exact number unknown because of the disputes of how many children Eleanor actually had) that John lived through the death of a sibling.

And there is one sibling death in particular that almost certainly hit John the hardest. His 10 year old brother Jemmy, while they were in Europe, and while John was technically in charge of him, fell and fractured his skull. Much like the Hamilton’s spending the night with a dying Philip, all John could do was try and comfort Jemmy while waiting for the inevitable.

Then of course there was the Francis Kinloch break-up. Obviously horrible. Then (possibly as a result of that breakup) getting a girl pregnant and being forced to marry her. 

America. War. Alexander Hamilton. Love. Keeping the love hidden. France. Yorktown. The last attempts to become a war hero.

It is fact that Laurens and Hamilton based their relationship off Ancient Greek, Roman, etc. gay relationships. In this tradition it was traditional to be reckless in battle to impress your lover. So maybe it makes sense for Laurens to act insanely reckless when he and Hamilton are fighting together. But why would he keep acting that way after Hamilton goes home?

While on the subject of Hamilton, some of the most compelling evidence for John Laurens’s death being a suicide is that he clearly struggled with self-hate, likely because of his sexuality, for a long time. Think about it; he lived in a society that was not just unaccepting of same-sex love, and particularly acting on same-sex love, but it was literally a crime and being caught could result in extreme punishment.

Furthermore, John Laurens, as namesake, eldest son, etc, was under massive amounts of pressure to be perfect. To not bring shame to the family. 

When John was in SC towards the end of his life, he had been away from Hamilton for more than a year. It is possible that without the gratification of the relationship (i.e., they are together, interacting on a day-to-day basis) John began to feel more unsure of their relationship? We do see that when John was away from his lovers, the relationships grew more distant and even unraveled. Yes I’m talking about Francis Kinloch now. But also as more time went by and Hamilton was back home in Albany and John was still in SC, their letters become less frequent. (Or more frequent but destroyed or lost. Honestly though JCH why???)

I also think that Laurens may have been worried that he and Hamilton’s distance was the only reason they could keep up a romantic relationship. Could Laurens have felt that once he “put on the toga” or joined congress, he and Hamilton would have to be just friends because of Hamilton’s wife and child? Judging by this line from a letter from Hamilton to Laurens, “Your impatience to have me married is misplaced, a strange cure by the way, as if after matrimony I was to be less devoted than I am now,” we can infer that Laurens may have at first have been supportive of the idea of Hamilton having a wife, perhaps because he thought that Hamilton was just using her to appear straight. In this letter, Hamilton also does allude to suicide. He tells Laurens, “For your own sake, for my sake, for the public sake, I shall pray for the success of the attempt you mention; that you may have it in your power to act with us. But if you should be disappointed, bear it like a man; and have recourse, neither to the dagger, nor to the poisoned bowl, nor to the rope.” I think it is extremely interesting that this comes in the same letter as the one where Hamilton tells Laurens he is getting a wife. The attempt Hamilton refers to in this passage is the attempt to free Laurens from being a prisoner of war, but I wonder if it has some sort of double meaning. 

I also believe it significant that Henry Laurens seemed to get very anxious when John sent him a letter from Geneva at mentions suicide. From John Laurens and the American Revolution: “John’s haste perhaps explains an ambiguous passage that slipped into one of his letters. He referred to ‘two people the most addicted of any in the World to Suicide.’ Alarmed by these words, Henry sent an emotional reply: ‘What can be meant by addicted, to an Act, which can be perpetuated but once & no Man’s devotion to it can possibly be determined from anything short of the Commission? But, my Dear Son, I trust that your opinion on that Question is So firm, that you are armed with Such irrefragable proofs of the Impiety as well as Cowardice of Self Murther, as puts you out of danger of being made a Convert to Error, by any Man be his “Rank and distinction” ever So great, or by the finest thread of declamation tickling the ears and & fatally Captivating the Hearts of Giddy & inexperienced youth’”

The context of the passage from John’s letter is unknown, but his father acts so defensive and seems to be reassuring himself that John would never do that in his letter that I wonder if it was already a topic that Henry worried about. If this is the case, this suggests that John knew was queer from a young age, not just when he met Francis Kinloch, (and that letter is from around that time, just as a side note.) and/or that John had had mental health issues before this time.

Also significant: moving forward to August 1782, John was sick. He was bed-ridden. And he knew the fight at Combahee river was not going to be big. It was a small foraging party. All the redcoats were going to do was basically steal some flour. But still, he dragged himself over there.

He led his men forward even though they knew the redcoats were ready.

Then he immediately was shot down.

So, --dear anon who is probably horrified with the length and long-windedness of my reply--, here is the theory that makes most sense to me:

John Laurens had been having mental issues like depression for a long time. When he was with Francis Kinloch they alleviated slightly, but when Jemmy died and Francis Kinloch broke up with him, they came back full force. Since being with Kinloch had made John happier for a time, he decided to seek out more love. Wait a minute, John thought, if I can love a woman, that’d be killing two birds with one stone... the love will make me feel better, and it may cure me of my forbidden love for men.

But when John got Martha pregnant and was forced to marry her, I doubt that made him feel better. So he wanted to go to America and fight in the war. He believed in his countries independence, and this would be a way to go out with easy glory on the battlefield, should he want to.

He met Alexander Hamilton. Hamilton managed to convince John that their love wasn’t a sin or a sickness, and they were happy together. 

Then Hamilton told Laurens he was getting a wife. He knew that this would be hard news for his Laurens, so in his next letter he made sure to make clear that they could still love each other.

But Laurens did not think that would be possible, once he realized that Hamilton really did love his wife, and was not just using her to appear straight. Laurens also knew that even if they did continue their relationship after the war, both he and Hamilton would feel guilty for what they were doing, especially considering that Hamilton really did love Eliza so much.

When the black battalion plan failed for the last time, it brought feelings of failure and hopelessness to Laurens.

When Laurens heard of the death of his wife, it brought back the guilty feelings for getting her pregnant, especially because she had fallen ill trying to bring Fanny to meet her dad in France.

When Laurens visited the Stock family the daughters again reminded him of his inability to have love for women. They also perhaps reminded him of his own wife and daughter who he had essentially abandoned in Europe.

With the war nearly over, Laurens decided if he wasn’t going to survive this war, he had to fight in some battles. So he got off his sickbed to go fight. 

He knew it would be risky to go ahead without waiting for the main army during the small action at the Combahee, but he had done things that reckless before. And if he was going to die in battle, this would likely be one of the last opportunities.

To conclude this answer: I do support the theory that Laurens’s death was to some degree suicide, with assisted suicide being the closest label to what I believe it was. However I do think it was a complicated death that doesn’t necessarily fit perfectly within any label. I believe it was a combination of mental issues partly borne of being queer in a time that was unaccepting of same-sex love, the failure of his plans for abolition, being reckless in battle regardless, and, if he was going to die, wanting to die a war hero.

I think these factors together led to a premature death that was not planned exactly, but probably pre-mediated upon. What I mean is, Laurens wasn’t going to try and get killed, but he wouldn’t be cautious or try particularly hard to not get killed. 

As for Hamilton, I honestly think it could go either way. Though I tend to lean toward Chernow’s answer, which is that it was not suicide, just stupid. (Like, Hamilton, your son literally died by shooting at the sky in a duel you are taking your own advice that failed horribly??) The main reason I believe this is that Hamilton had something Laurens lacked; a family whom he loved very much. Even though his political standing was slipping, I don’t think Hamilton would’ve wanted to leave his wife and kids.

Anyway, I hope this answers your question. Now for the much less depressing answer to the question,

2: What do you think life would be like if Alexander Hamilton and John Laurens could’ve gotten married?

I’m slightly unclear on whether you mean if they could’ve gotten married back in the 1700s or whether you’re asking for the modern AU I think is most accurate.

Assuming you mean if they could’ve gotten married in the 1700s, I think that they would have as long as it was main-stream and socially acceptable. I think they would’ve been very happy together, and I like to indulge in the fantasy of President Laurens and VP Hamilton.

I think John Laurens would not have died. I think he and Hamilton would have worked in the government together. I also do not think Hamilton would have would’ve dueled Burr.

John Laurens and Hamilton would’ve written together about 1,000,000,000 pamphlets against Jefferson and Madison. 

The only duel would be Laurens vs Jefferson.

And they would’ve lived to a lovely old age together, adopted some kids, and lived happily ever after.

Never mind this is also depressing.

Thank you for the kind words about my blog and the great questions! Yes, if you are bored, house 7 is the answer. 

If anyone has other asks for me, feel free to, well, ask them! And if you would prefer a short answer just tell me so, I won’t be offended!

[gothsic]

        i sentence you to be exposed before your peers...

                                                        -- TEAR DOWN THE WALL!

so... once again, i’m floored. i mean, seriously floored.

i could probably say my usual nonsense, which is that i’m amazed, i’m flattered, and i’m even speechless at the amount of love, patience, and just downright kindness i have received since day one. tomorrow marks a month since this blog was opened, and i have to say that it has been one of the best months i have ever had in the tumblr rpc in all my years of rping.

that’s saying quite a lot!

i have to reiterate that i was incredibly worried about how jonathan was going to be received here. but the exact opposite has been true - if anything, you have all welcomed him with open arms, and been incredibly amazing rp partners in every sense of the word. i hope i return the attention you’ve given me thricefold. it’s true that i’m incredibly slow, keep piling on those ask memes and starters, but the real reason is because i just want to interact with you all in some capacity. i highly encourage those of you that have yet to do anything with me to send me something, and i can promise you i will get to it! 

but what does any of that have to do with an appreciation post? well, it really is just me rambling about how incredibly honored i am that you all have stayed here through thick and thin despite my slowness. you are all the real mvps! in fact, i wouldn’t even be here if it weren’t for all of you wanting to do things with me. really. you have no idea how much of an honor this is, especially considering that this is for an original character rather than a canon one. i just... wow! there i go again, failing to be eloquent!

the graphic above was thrown together tonight because i wanted to get this out this past weekend, but i figured the closer to my one month anniversary the better. that would have been october 1st, so sadly it’s a bit late. however, screw it! let’s throw two special occasions into one! i figured i would call it something different this time, as this is a bigger milestone than before.

so now that part one of this post is finished... let’s get to the good stuff. the follow forever list ( which i personally prefer calling it! ). read under the cut!

THE STARS WHO LIGHT THE PATH FORWARD:

the first up on this list are personal thank-yous to very special people who have made this experience so incredible. all of you have, but these are people i have known for several years, people i have grown close to quickly, or just people i have a lot of things to say to. i’ll probably even say these things to you in private in more expansive detail.

here are my appreciative ( albeit abridged ) comments to the following people:

@pistolbitten: tycho, you’re one of my bestest friends on this entire hellsite and even offline. the fact we haven’t met yet irl is fucking criminal - i hope that in the near future we can, though that might be kind of bad because i think the entire universe would just cease to exist if that happened. but we gotta try, right?? ANYWAY more importantly i want to emphasize that you are doing such a tremendous job with nack. i’m seriously impressed, and i want you to know that the work you’re putting into him is seriously amazing. keep it up because it’s clear to me you’re having a lot of fun. you really deserve it after everything that you’ve gone through in the past few years. you’re my little brother and it’s gonna stay that way! you know how i feel about you, but if you ever feel down, i will remind you again and again. you’re destined for great things, and you’re incredibly strong. but sometimes, it’s okay to feel a little weak. it’s human. you’re human.

@destructiveglitch: farida, i can’t emphasize how glad i am that we reconnected. i want you to know that i really admire the work you’ve put into making cadillac the amazing character that he is. you are seriously an inspiration to this community not only with the positivity you exude, but with the humor you bring to the table and the way you accept people with open arms. i strive to be more like you, and i am so proud to see how far you’ve come since we met a few years ago on this hellsite. you are seriously amazing, and so is cadillac - i cannot wait to see you chase your dreams even further; you’re an inspiration!

@daiteitako + all your other blogs: don i’m really glad we reconnected after i vanished kind of suddenly - again, i apologize for that. however, i really cannot wait to do stuff properly with you, but the most important thing i really want to say here is that a.) you’re incredibly kind, b.) you’re HILARIOUS and c.) your graphics are beautiful. also, i should mention that the dedication you’ve put into making all your muses your own is just stellar. i love it and i cannot wait to see more. i always appreciate our ooc chats and i’m so glad that i get to see your antics on the dash whenever your url pops up!

@dadadaemons: che... che. what can i say. when i came back to the rpc after a couple years of being gone, one of the things i really missed was having someone i could really connect with. honestly? it’s rare that it happens. but with you, it felt pretty instantaneous. i feel really glad to have met you - i feel that we can just shoot the shit whenever, and our muses have quite the relationship. i adore it, and i really feel comfortable talking with you - i hope that its the same for you. basically what i really want to say is that i feel incredibly lucky to have come across your blog and gotten the chance to talk to you, and eventually talk more ooc, i just... honestly? your writing is incredible, a mixture between tragic and comic, and i really adore it. it stands out. it’s you, and it’s unique. this is a little rambly, but i am really amazed at what you’ve been doing with your muses ( especially cherry ) and i cannot wait to see your work in a visual novel-type game someday. with your art skills? it’s bound to happen. you’ve got me to cheer you on!

@czhng: ángel... sends you the cat meme for the 10292373747th time ( you know the one ). just kidding! i feel like in the past week or two, we’ve grown pretty close. our ship has really blossomed into something fascinating and it’s really funny because the lovely people here on tumblr have absolutely no idea what they’re in store for. but better yet, i’m really glad i got a chance to meet you - i couldn’t have imagined how much fun we would be having together! i love sending memes back and forth, and also just talking about our characters, or hearing what you were up to or how you’re doing. while these may be simple things, they mean the absolute world to me. in short, i’m so grateful that i got to meet you, and i hope we can keep being even better friends into the future!

@cardinalrot: burns! you were one of the first people i think i formally interacted with on this blog, and while we briefly knew each other on my ramona flowers blog, i recently started talking to you more in depth ooc and honestly? you’ve made my time here so much better - you’re funny, you’re getting me into a band i barely knew about until i found your blog, and i just adore what’s going on in our group chat. i can’t wait to get to know you better, and better yet, see what ridiculous things our muses get up to as things keep rolling. you’re a lot of fun to be around and listen to, and i love hearing your ideas. honestly? you’re just a bright light on the hell that is tumblr!

@citialiin: basil! what a shock to find out we actually knew each other back in 2015! that was definitely a surprise. but above all, what can i say other than i’m truly amazed by a lot of things that have happened - that ziggy and jo have the relationship they do, that there’s some real stakes involved, and above all things, that your art is truly wonderful! plus, your writing is so wonderful to read - i feel that you really capture whomever it is that you’re writing, and what i love most about you really is that you’re incredibly honest about who you are, and your art manages to reflect that incredibly well. i wish you the best in your future endeavors, and i cannot wait to roleplay with you more! also, of course, chat ooc with you and get to know you better. plus? you, burns and i are truly a cursed trio - it’s great frankly.

@themoralpuppington: the fact that i keep finding you on every blog i make after all these years ( since 2015, can you believe it?? ) is a testament to how much i adore your writing, and just you in general, hayley. i need you on my dash to feel complete, as bizarre as that might sound. your passion for your muses, most of whom are pretty niche, is really a sight to behold. i admire how much time and attention you put into crafting them to be the best they can be, and your enthusiasm and positivity is also a sight to behold. i still remember the thread we had on my old him blog between him and dot, and that was probably one of the best threads i ever had with someone to this day - can you believe that? the point i’m trying to make here is that you basically make tumblr a better experience for me, and i’m sure many others - you are an amazing person through and through!

@luckblues: kat what could i possibly say about you that i haven’t already? you were there from the beginning, and on all your blogs we had some form of interaction - usually of the comedic kind. our conversations ooc have also been immensely hilarious to read, and the thing i really enjoy is hearing your thoughts on how your muses would react - not to mention whatever posts you make on your blogs, ooc or ic. i’m very glad i got to meet you, and also interact with you because your writing is just so much fun! you always put so much work into your muses and it is seriously an inspiration. keep up the amazing work, and i hope we can get even closer over time!

@toooldforgermany: hannah! i’m really surprised we found each other again - i remember just recently how we were trying to remember which of your many blogs we interacted on, and when we finally did, things slid into place. it’s true that i don’t really talk as much as i should, but what i do have to say about you is definitely truthful: you’ve really dug into what makes arthur such an interesting character, and i mean it when i say you made me more interested than i already was in we happy few. one of these days, i’d like to watch you play it - the clips you’ve shown me have been really something special - and i can see why you’ve put so much time and effort into getting him as close to the source material as possible. that in it of itself is admirable. what you’re doing is really special, and i can’t wait to see more, both with what you do next, and what our muses do next!

THE STARS I NOTICE IN THE DISTANCE, WHO TOO HAVE LIT THE WAY:

these are people whom i have known for several years, and want to continue to know better. we may have fallen out of touch a few times, but the important thing is that we are reconnected now. all of you listed here are special to me in different ways, and i hope that i can express this properly as i continue to do things on this blog. 

@guiltycharge + your other blogs / @heedingcalls / @puckish-rogue

THE GASLAMPS MADE FROM STARDUST:

now these are individuals with whom i have spoken to a great deal ooc, have had a lot of laughs with, or just in general have made me feel at home on this blog. chances are, we’ve interacted too. you have all made this blog special in a way that nowhere else on this site has made me feel before. i am having the time of my life thanks to you all.

@anammxlech / @dcfctivc + your other blogs / @loverslanetm + @aphroditetms / @psychexch / @tricksterfinale / @soughtcryptid + @horrormaestro / @hismanners / @shotbled / @richatire / @demonshe / @rubinsteind + your other blogs / @crimescupid / @crimsxnidol / @sociialpath / @pennepenned / @lovelypillar / @arizonadirtbag / @jihoney / @macabreatlas + @deathwitness / @innosen / @barbiemov / @charismastatic / @voieur + your other blogs / @flutterid / @maljefe / @spacymuses / @ryusci / @bledthrice / @bellecosebabe / @bestvictim / @bentme / @spectrisbound / @starlyht / @griefkept / @vortship / @necroticlimb + your other blogs / @gothicbite + your other blogs / @thegothfiles / @wretchedgoth / @hisnote / @dethrocuted / @justverdict + your other blogs / @stagekiller / @scarwritten / @plasticlioness / @ecentrici / @prdghtr / @drstmbrg + your other blogs / @espercr / @juvenileterror / @putrifyre / @9livin / @saturnincs / @batzie / @deceitfame / @princeternal / @autoptes / @empaethies / @vodkaraised / @censer / @maestrodarte / @ensular / @elleomet / @smallmoss + @heylincorporated / @eoleolhan / @pseudogaiety / @byerszombie / @toendwar / @rivalrus / @giftblessd / @girlrued / @godmeld / @russianllterature / @consultingsister / @desxderium / @aemiliiu / @infiltier / @yoursmary / @svperposition / @friendsfought / @reapinghook / @blossomingbeelzebug / @levyosn / @slashhers / @promdevil / @fvvckcff / @fuckingvictus / @killfame / @dnbrough / @nailfanged / @hellionrot / @hyacinthsgirl / @panamastayed / @shelcved / @spllcat / @battleridge + many many more ! 

THE HOMES ALONG THE STREET WITH THEIR LIGHTS ON:

the following individuals are those i watch from a distance, have yet to interact with, or admire their writing in some fashion. all of you are a joy to have on the dash ( and be mutuals with ), and i hope that we can one day do something together.

@animalcontrol / @atlantisking / @herbounty / @hxgure / @scaeld / @snowinabottle / @soleiltm / @strxnzo / @cultkiid / @clownin / @clownwork / @corpsemade / @demonwield / @orhabit / @demonicarchitect / @etrefurieuse / @unstabletm / @bulletmailed / @wordseen / @deadlcrd / @dojiryu / @garrotejima / @gothamcartel / @devilsitter / @imparist / @voicehost / @voidvoyeur / @evilwiithin / @thatcertainnight / @azircphcle / @biblicael / @ribmcde / @warwronged / @actorkills / @fourrarri / @fosterskeeper / @vicemirrored / @vmprwtch / @peacefulapostle / @honorborn / @wargod / @wonwars / @waywardsignns / @inorationis / @deathscorned / @ncisepcllution / @lycanlead / @hauntediris / @tommyhtm + your other blogs / @phantomally + your other blogs / @abisnorida / @frstpearson / @nytchld / @agentbeyond / @scouscr / @vplameni / @monikalone / @sheslayyys / @sheflirts / @skllington / @skeptus / @ultraviolentis / @greyheroes / @outlawiism / @doefied / @conseille / @seeksghosts + your other blogs / @forsesti / @blacklistcr / @betterhealing / @bowitched / @bonewitchery / @theednygma / @conseille / @soliswrote / @rebelstwo / @divisus / @diversifiedpersonas / @hisband / @grcndel / @dnawield / @soypeor / @talewoven / @yblchth / @halloweeenies / @coldslayers / @iilvecchio / @discandi / @beelzbvb / @snipare / @brenheir / @johtei / @pastfound / @necrogal / @necrophagic / @neonglowed / @halvtblod / @maskedform / @enkaioni / @deddomun / @knifewields / @kerflooey / @likespooky / @happymediium / @happykcd / @vladdad / @endheir / @curdledmiilk / @firstdraper / @thcfreak / @revengah / @lcstrega / @strlcss / @strigct / @hanahakioni / @mortuiflores / @bozojesus / @madeherchoices / @madburnishdetroit / @apostleled / @wiltpetals / @scmperviren / @rainbowsongs / @powertook / @mortiiicia / @mortuam / @macebre / @pestilencepriest / @huntsaliens / @huntpyre / @dptysns / @theppgs / @thicktville / @citylives / @cadaever / @jcinthedance / @jesteriina / @jehstr / @jenasil / @occultspecialists / @exorsista / @aislinqs / @gwaed / @obsessicn / @confcssed / @enravaged / @morbosi / @alwayscutoff / @personsuited / @edgecutting / @heaimed / @clownlike / @warjournal / @selfbest / @shekore / @senoyer / @nuiweion / @slayscryptids / @footagecaught / @toshapeshift / @eyeswaps / @eyedented / @crysbeckett / @4-6-4-1-9 / @gothsrot / @witchbonds / @vctivus / @realityrot / @realcomedian / @wulventyr / @montanaerobics / @sexwins / @coucheravec / @snapsbeast / @ordinryman / @deathtaught / @edhelgund / @herheal / @heavensdecay / @gumihc / @pestired / @byersmom / @skateshe / @wantlonger / @veiledpeak / @wasben / @apostaet / @girlquaked / @betterthanmorty / @ascotwearing / @witcheking / @yourbloodbelongstome / @omatics / @rcdteeth / @nomither / @prodigil / @prouddov / @obscenesupreme / @roguepiece / @isempath / @babaayaaga / @burglarie / @enruined / @visionsent / @spellfear / @spelltricks / @deadgirldani / @dctorsleep / @dcputyrook / @dcllparted / @huntsighted / @prceteritus / @wildardor / @vigilink / @cupidvvitch / @liftedrelics / @mediocremorals / @heamatic / @heartmiles / @omegles / @motivelacking / @mistoffelous / @bberkman / @blondieat / @starszakrew / @fraudcoded / @thequarrelsome / @deathatyourdoorstep / @egopath / @hariolor / @tolerhate / @useknives / @starleft / @jeanjacketed / @tiimedtm / @wanderlustmuses / @musewritten / @houseofwindows / @magicalshe / @ozwolff / @jigento / @cthlicdevil / @hailiing / @31daughter / @epitideios / @metareview / @fiercemarked / @iceized / @phantomwhisp / @abomichor / @luemiere / @blckaiser / @inqustve / @toheavyn / @atnoctum / @vicemirrored / @thirtnth / @pyoniumyankee / @onlycertainty / @putryd + many many others whom i’m currently following!

i wish i could have included everyone who’s currently following me, but just know that if we’re mutuals, you’re included. these are as many as i could remember, but i want everyone to know that you are all appreciated by me, especially considering how you are all really the ones to thank for making my time here so wonderful! you are all amazing, truly amazing. in the coming weeks, i will do my best to interact with mutuals new and old.

keep your chins held high. each portrayal is special, each roleplayer brings something new to the table, and if you ever need a friend, i am always here for you.

once again, THANK YOU ALL for your support!

                                                               SINCERELY,                                                                                         ALEX

[dylancaledavis]

Actual Storytelling Advice #1 Writing a Scene: a demystification

A Book Series is a collection of novels. Novels are collections of chapters. Chapters are collections of scenes. Scenes are...well, what are scenes? This term eluded me for most of my writing life. I could say something was a scene (a la, watching a film and saying “what a great scene!”) But I didn’t know what I was saying was the “scene.” Was it when the camera changed? Was it when the character(s) were in a different location? Was there some deeper emotional resonance that indicated a scene break? (short answer? Yes.)

It was even more confusing in reading stories. Are chapters scenes? Are scenes arbitrarily determined whenever the author damn well pleases? (In amateur writing, yes.)

The truth is, scenes are the building blocks of story. So it came as a shock to me when I got into my MFA in Creative Writing program (shout out to Southern Illinois University) that I had never actually had a scene explained to me. (Thanks, Pinckney Benedict, for doing that.) And after I got the breakdown, my writing transformed overnight. So now I want to transfer this knowledge to anyone who will listen.

No matter what type of fiction we are writing, no matter the genre, setting, whatever, we will greatly improve it by using this simple formula:

1. Entering Emotion

2. Conflict Impeding Desire

3. Exiting Emotion

Sure, it’s always a lot more complicated than this, but these are the three phrases that should guide all scenes. But, let’s break them down individually so we can get a better understanding of their functions.

1. Entering Emotion

The entering emotion portion of the scene is the beginning. When a character walks into a room, gets into their car, finds the antagonist, sizes up the monster, goes into the cave, etc. They must start with (and our audience should know) what the POV character’s entering emotion is. This is usually tied to something called the conscious and unconscious desires (read Libbie Hawker’s book “Take Off Your Pants!” for a better explanation of that, though I will do another post which breaks that down another time).

So, if our character is entering a scene, we must establish what their emotion is. Are they scared? Happy? Timid? Worried? Exhausted? Bewildered? All emotions are viable. Here’s an example from something I’ve written. It’s Cyberpunk, so that should be your visual guide, here.

Coming home after a long day at the cricketflour plant, 5icmi slouched in his suspension chair. He didn’t want to go into Samsara, but the AVR world was a helluva lot better than his six by six capsule flat. Maybe he’d go to Ludmila’s club later, if he was feeling up to it.

“Whatever,” he said to himself.

What do we think the entering emotional state of this scene is? 5icmi isn’t happy, not by any stretch. He isn’t jovial (though he does seem a funny in a jaded sort of way.)

Primarily, what 5icmi feels in this scene is boredom. He doesn’t want to do anything, but he also doesn’t want to do anything else, either. This is important for the story because...well, why do you think? Humans intuit story. It’s ingrained in our consciousness. What do you think is going to happen to 5icmi in this scene based on your own intuitions? Is he going to stay bored? Are we going to have to follow a boring character in a boring ass story? No!

We shouldn’t waste audience’s time like that. Instead, we do this:

2. Conflict Impeding Desire

The “Impeding Desire” part of this will make more sense in a later post, as it's a concept I want to focus on by itself. For now, we’ll just talk about the conflict. Conflict is story. You cannot have a story without one (I can write a whole post about this, too, but let’s just accept that part as fact for the sake of brevity). Now, a lot of writers misunderstand conflict.

Conflict does not mean “fighting another person.” We don’t need physical conflict. Not every scene needs to be a fight scene (although, good fight scenes employ the exact same structure as any other scene, just watch this clip from “The Princess Bride.” PROTIP: Inigo’s entering emotion is “smug.”

What conflict is in storytelling terms is something that which gets in the way of a character. This could be physical or non-physical. Frightening or funny (or both). It is an obstacle at its core.

What makes a good conflict vs a bad one? Well, once again, humans intuit this very well in stories. If the character’s entering emotional state is boredom, what should the obstacle be? It wouldn’t make sense to suddenly have a romance conflict, right? It wouldn’t work if the conflict was starvation. Make the conflict reflect the character’s entering emotional state. Let’s return to 5icmi:

5icmi clutched the dangling omnis between his fingers. One by one, he inserted them into the microports on his occipital lobe. Once they were all connected, he flicked the switch and dove into Samsara.

His homeworld was a private one. He’d made sure to adjust his privacy settings so nobody could fuck with his AVR haven. He appeared on his deck overlooking a perfectly trimmed, green yard. A Yutag rifle was propped on the railing. 5icmi shouldered the rifle out of habit, not really caring if he actually hit anything. He aimed at a can atop a stump across the yard. That’s when he saw a face in the bushes looking up at him.

“Who the fuck is that?” he said, lowering the rifle.

“Hello stranger!” the face in the bushes said. They stood straight, and 5icmi noticed the avatar was at least 3 meters tall.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. There’s a person in 5icmi’s private world! He’s not bored anymore, is he? See, we took details about his life at the beginning of the scene: He’s a VR junkie, lives alone, and is very bored. Then we spun them into the conflict. An unwanted stranger has come into his life (this will be another post, too, follow me to read that post!)

The character of this story seems stubborn and almost resigned to being bored all the time, but something impeded it. This will always happen in our scenes. It has to, otherwise the story doesn’t make us feel anything.

I hope that when you got to the part of the face in the bushes, your heart did the tiniest flutter. Maybe you blinked one more time than usual. Your skin went weird.

If it did, I transferred emotion from my character to you (yet another planned blog post.) If I did that, I did my job as a fiction writer.

And so finally:

3. Exiting Emotion

This last part of scene structure does double duty, because not only does it establish the end of the scene, but it usually marks the beginning of the next scene, as well (more on that in a moment.)

The exiting emotion of a scene should be the opposite or opposite-adjacent from the entering emotion. If your character is happy, they should leave sad, worried, disheveled, frightened. If they are sad, they should be happy, elated, or even just a flicker of hopeful. If they are angry, they should be calm or subdued. You get the idea.

The reason for this is because, when you have that miniature emotional arc in your scene, you’ve created movement in your character. Your character has changed, and humans like change. There’s nothing more boring than watching television static or paint dry. We call those things boring is because they don’t change in a meaningful way.

Characters have to change in a meaningful way, otherwise they become static. Scenes are where we get to make micro-changes to your character which will build atop one another to the big change they make at the end of the story.

But there’s something else about exiting emotions that is as, if not more, important.

Exiting emotions inform the next scene. We now know that the character will start scene A as happy and by the end of that scene they will be sad. So scene B starts with them sad, right? It would be weird to start each scene with your character as happy like they have a reset button.

But what does that mean for scene B? If they start sad (because of Scene A) then they should leave scene B happy or happy adjacent? Yes. This was one of the more difficult things for me to grasp when I started writing scenes. It feels clunky and artificial at first to write this way.

After a while, though, I noticed how much more emotional my writing became. My characters started changing, started feeling things. They’d go from happy to scared to hopeful to worried to resolute and I would want to follow them to their conclusion because they were on a journey. It was amazing!

Here’s the end of the scene, just so you can see a curated example:

5icmi raised the rifle again. He trained the laser point on the intruder’s face.

“How’d you get in here?” he said. The intruder put his palms up.

“There’s no need to be frightened, dear boy. I, too, don’t know how I ended up in your space. I was casually dining at the hubworld when suddenly, bloop! I froze and reloaded here. Now I can’t seem to get out!”

5icmi wanted to believe this person, but the smile on their face was toothy and hiding something.

“I’m getting out of here, get ready for a fucking report to the Samsara dev team,” 5icmi said. He rotated his arm to conjure the tool menu. He selected “exit” but nothing happened. He selected it again, nothing. 5icmi tried to remove the omnis plugged into his occipital lobe, but they were stuck. 5icmi looked up, and saw that the avatar had moved closer. The avatar was more hunched now. The smile painted on its face was much, much wider.

“Let’s chat, friend,” the avatar called up. “Just you, and me.”

So, 5icmi has gone from bored, to frightened. Neutral to negative. So what do you think his next emotion should be at the end of scene 2?

If you string enough of these together, you’ll have a short story or a chapter of a novel. If you do that 10 times, you’ll have a collection of short stories or a novel. It’s really all it is, but no one would know without the Demystification of scene structure!

Thanks so much for reading. I hope this has given you a more concrete understanding of how to structure your scenes and why emotion tied to plot is your best bet to keep a reader glued to your words.

Write on! Have fun! Wig some people out!

Until next time,

Dylan Davis

[natsubeatsrock]

My 10 Favorite Posts, So Far

Well, tomorrow makes 5 years of blogging as natsubeatsrock. It’s been quite a crazy 5 years and I’ve made a number of crazy posts in the time between starting this blog and today. To celebrate I wanted to talk about 10 of my favorite posts over the past five years. This list isn’t necessarily ranked from least to most favorite, but there is one post I can call my absolute favorite.

Let’s go!

Honorable Mention: The Rewrite of Fairy Tail: Part 16 (Lisanna) [originally posted March 27, 2019]

As an honorable mention, I want to shed some light on my favorite post from last year. I started making this post months before the series was on the verge of ending. As I was working on this post and decided to work on rewriting Fairy Tail, I started to rework this series as a defense for keeping Lisanna in the series, as opposed to cutting her. This has been a theme in a lot of the posts I’ve made about Lisanna since a post I made before that one and I do plan to talk about that in the future.

#10. My Incredibly Unpopular Thoughts on: Ships/Zervis [originally posted October 25, 2015]

This is the earliest post in my top 10 and it shows. Around this time two big things happened: I made a post on August 31st called My Incredibly Unpopular Thoughts on: Juvia and the fandom exploded over Zervis, due to the revelations in canon. I intended to make that first post a part of a series and this was too big of an opportunity to pass. I remember that writing this was ridiculously easy for me. In fact, it’s one of the shortest posts for me to draft and upload with its relative size.

While I’m not as proud of how my writing prowess shines in this post, almost everything I’ve said in this post has become my philosophy on ships since posting it. My thoughts on shipping fandoms? Check. My thoughts on canon weight of ships? Check. My wishy-washy feelings over Zervis? Check. For a long time, this was my favorite entry in this series, but we’ll ge tto that soon enough.

#9. Bye, Bye Lucy: Part 4 [originally posted May 20, 2017]

A lot of you may be shocked to see this post on the list. “Bye, Bye Lucy“ was a series of posts I did explaining all of the issues I have with the infamous subset of fanfics that has Lucy get kicked off the Strongest Team in favor of Lisanna, resulting in her leaving Fairy Tail. I had a ton of fun working on this series. So much so, I actually ended up writing a story based on the idea I posit in Part 3 of this series, which I released earlier this month. But, individually, Part 4 is my favorite individual post in the series which focused on the idea of Lucy leaving the guild over the whole situation.

Originally, this whole series was going to be one really long post at just over 10,000 words. However, around the time I was working on the part that would become this post, I realized that these stories fail with each successive plot point important to this trope of story. At this particular point, any stories lose me as both stories inspired by Fairy Tail and as their own type of stories. No good story that I know even tries to play with these tropes has Lucy actually leave the guild, even temporarily.

#8. Why I Still Ship Nali (Even if Most of the Rest of Fandom Doesn’t) [originally posted March 1, 2020]

I didn’t want to add too many posts from too recent on this list. As much as I think my current writing is my most consistent writing, it would be hard to say that too many of my posts now are at the same level as many of the posts coming up on this list. But, I’m honestly glad that I made this post, especially considering some of the things surrounding its creation.

About three months into my blog, I made a post called “What I Need to Stop Shipping Nali (and why I still do)”. Around the time I was going to post it, I guess someone made a post questioning why people would still ship Nali. It’s become one of my least favorite posts and I’ve felt it desperately needed to be updated for a while. I decided to tackle an issue I’ve had seen in much of fan interpretations with Nali: doing nothing past Edolas with Nali. I wrote the first draft out months ago and waited for a good opportunity to type it out. When I got the hate messages, that felt like as good a time as any. Speaking of which...

#7. My Response to Anon-san [originally posted March 31, 2016]

A bit of backstory may help with this one. I posted “My Incredibly Unpopular Thoughts on: Lisanna” on Easter that year. I check my phone coming out of my church’s night concert and I got the two messages I respond to in this post. When I first saw I got messages, I was worried because that was the first time I ever got negative anon messages. But when I read them, I knew I needed to talk about this as my 3,000th post on this blog - a milestone I was on the cusp of approaching when I got the messages.

While I like the precedent my response seemed to set for my dealing with this type of stuff, the reason this post is here that I legitimately love the messages I was responding to. Every now and then, I read them to myself just to remind myself they exist. I’m not even sure why I got them in the first place. They don’t even seem terribly connected to that Lisanna post. While complaining about fandom has been something I’m apt to do for a number of reasons, I can’t imagine which post got on their “nevers”. But believe me when I say that I am feeling very cooling about the fact that I did.

#6. My Incredibly Unpopular Thoughts on: Nalu [originally posted July 9, 2016]

I’m sure this one isn’t much of a shock too many of you. Around the time I made this post, the “anti-Nalu“ community was very different from how it is now. I had made a couple of posts about some of the issues I had with the ship and its fandom, but nothing on this scale. As a part of Fairy Tail month, I figured should try to explain everything I saw wrong with both.

Even as I wanted to do this and made plenty of similar posts before this, the thought of backlash terrified me. I made sure to set it up to post when I knew I’d be away and wouldn’t be able to see how it was received. When I finally did see the responses to this post, all of them were positive and from people who agreed with me. It’s become my favorite post in the series and still seems to serve as a great primer for people who don’t ship Nalu.

Though I’m kind of sad that a lot of the stuff I talked about in that post regarding the development of Nalu and fandom habits haven’t changed almost four years since I first posted it. When I went to make the sequel for this post, I was shocked how little fandom changed and how stuff inside and outside of canon seemed to embolden fandom to be worse about other actions over abour 18 months. Though, I didn’t hate Nalu when I made this post, even as I stopped wanting to ship it around that time.

#5. Opinion I’ll Probably get Stoned For #100 [originally posted April 29, 2016]

I really have to get back to making these. “Opinions I’ll Probably get Stoned For” was the series I was known for starting less than two months into making this blog. It’s a series where I drop spicy takes ranging from Sweet Bell Pepper to California Reaper. I’ve gotten into it with fans over more than a few of the posts in this series. However, my favorite of the series is one of the longest editions in the series.

Months before posting this, I remember seeing one of my favorite Graytear bloggers get into trouble with Gruvia shippers. One point brought up that particularly pissed me off was the moment that Gray was about to used Iced Shell against Silver. According to the Gruva shipper, the fact that the panel remembering Juvia is bigger than the panel remembering Ultear showed enough of Mashima’s priorities. This argument literally made me sick to my stomach. For months, I’d privately joke that this proved the exact opposite: Gray went through with Iced Shell because he remembered Juvia.

To celebrate hitting the milestone of 100 posts in that series, I decided to make a longer version of the series and explain my thoughts in depth. As soon as I had the idea, I knew that had to be the one. My favorite thing about this post is that, despite clarifying that I’m not terribly serious about this argument twice in the post, I actually got blocked by a Gruvia fan over this post. I guess they didn’t see it as that funny of a joke. Weird how that works.

#4. Nali Week: Scars and Unkept Promises [originally posted July 24, 2016]

Every once in a while, someone will make the remark to the effect of “People should stop complaining about the ships they don’t like and make stuff for the ships they do like”. Thank goodness no one has actually said that in regard to my posts. As much fun as I’ve had over the years complaining about the stuff I don’t like in Fairy Tail and its fandom, I do make a point to talk about the stuff I do like and why every now and then. While the series was running, ship weeks usually meant meta posts from me and this is my favorite of them.

This post was born from my own musings about how the anime dealt with Natsu and Lisanna’s relationship. I wanted to talk about its handing through the perspective of Lisanna being an important person Natsu lost and how that works with his desire to see Igneel again. The big moments I draw on is his promise in episode 75 where Lisanna asks Natsu to save her if she ever gets lost and their reunion in episode 79.

The perspective I took in that post is one I don’t really take a lot. I’m not arguing against an idea a lot of people in fandom agree with. I’m not even really arguing that my perspective is the correct perspective. I’m explaining the thought process that Natsu, as I interpret him, has regarding someone he cares about. The stuff I talked about in this post has become part of my interpretation of Natsu and traces of it can be seen in a lot of the posts I’ve made since. We have to bring Nali Week back.

#3. An Open Letter to the Nalu Fandom [originally posted October 1, 2017]

I love satire as a rhetorical tool. I love taking an idea I disagree with to so large an extreme that the problems with it are obvious to even the people who agree with it. While many of my posts have drips of sarcasm and irony, I love making an entire post based on the idea of pointing out the problems with an argument. Consider that I’ve done similar things with Opinion #100 and, to an extent, my most recent story.

The trick is finding something with problems that are so glaringly obvious, you can’t imagine people actually taking its side. In the case of this post, it was a hilarious letter addressed to the “anti-Nalu’s”. Apparently, the idea that people openly didn’t like Nalu got on “the nerve of every last one of their pussy hair“. So they wrote a short letter they meant for fans who don’t like Nalu to read. I would give them a pass becasue they were apparently on their period, but they were defending those Twitter pics of Natsu and Lucy on chain leashes.

It’s worth mentioning that this was a few months after the original series ended. I had been trying hard not to make a post about Nalu and the stupid things I saw their fandom do. I didn’t even talk about the pictures they were defending. When I made this post, I figured that I was probably not going to be making many more posts about Nalu for a while. So I decided to throw in every issue I had with the Nalu fandom between talking about it a year earlier and then.

As you can probably tell, I haven’t stopped complaining about Nalu and its fandom. This post seems to have set the tone for how I would deal with the ship and its fandom this side of the ending. Instead of pointing to why a ship fails for me, I’ve been talking about why others should have expected the ship to fail. And, if recent events are a sign of the future, it seems like I’m going to have stuff to say about it for a while. Yay?

#2. Why was Ichiruki Popular? [originally posted July 6, 2018]

What does it say that this post is among my top 10, both on this list and in terms of most notes on a post on this blog? This is a Fairy Tail blog for crying out loud. I shouldn’t be able to get so much attention for talking about a series that isn’t Fairy Tail. It almost certainly shouldn’t get more attention than most of my posts about Fairy Tail. A few people even liked and reblogged it this week.

Then again, this wasn’t my first time talking about other series. I’d already spent time talking about Rave Master, Naruto, and Monster Soul on this blog. I asked my followers if it would be cool if I spent time talking about other series, now that Fairy Tail had ended. Since I got a fairly decent response I decided to talk about a few series, including Bleach.

I got into reading Bleach about a year before it ended. At the time, I was following people who were already into it and was well aware of the popularity of Ichiruki and infamy of its fandom. I was fairly behind but I didn’t see much reason to ship Ichiruki when it ended and I saw the fan meltdowns. Imagine my shock when I got to the end and felt exactly the same about its chances when Rukia said Ichigo’s just her friend. I made this post to vent.

If I started reading Bleach about a year before getting into Fairy Tail, I likely would have been a Bleach blogger. This post served as an interesting glimpse into what that timeline might look like. It’s also one of the few posts that sparked actually interesting responses. While many have pointed to the anime as a reason for its fan popularity, I can’t tell how the staff came to the conclusion that Ichiruki needed to be portrayed as more romantic than in the manga.

#1. I’m late to the “Nalu wasn’t the original plan” party, aren’t I? [originaly posted December 10, 2016]

I’ve made a lot of posts on this blog. I’ve said a lot of things, done a lot of analysis and meta, and shared a lot of opinions here. And yet, I can’t say that too much of the stuff I’ve said is important. Not to say that my insight into certain topics isn’t appreciated. It’s just that much of what I’ve said over the years, even in some of the posts on this list, likely has been and would have been said by anyone else if I didn’t say it. The biggest exception to that has been this post.

A few months before this post, there was a leaked image of Mashima’s afterword in Fairy Tail S regarding the extra chapter Special Request, which happens to be one of my favorite chapters in the series. In it, he admitted that he didn’t originally plan on writing Natsu and Lucy’s relationship as romantic and was currently writing them as somewhere between friends and lovers.

When I first saw it as an image on a Tumblr post, I was extremely hesitant to say anything about it. I didn’t know about Fairy Tail S and assumed it was a troll. When it was confirmed by another blog, and it source was ultimately verified, it was a dream come true. Mashima had vindicated my thoughts on the ship literal months after my big post on Nalu. And yet, not many people were talking about what this actually meant for Fairy Tail and the fandom moving forward. So came this post.

In many ways, I’m still shocked that I still have to point people to this afterword and what it means for Fairy Tail. I’m sure many people know Mashima didn’t plan on making Nalu happen, but I doubt many people understand that fandom is outright incorrect to say that Nalu hsa been obvious from the jump. In a weird connection to the previous post, Mashima’s comments on Nalu are similar to comments Tite Kubo made regarding his writing Ichiruki. Even now, it’s hard to say that Nalu will become canon knowing Mashima’s original intents.

Of the most important thing to come from this post, this marked the start of me starting to hate Nalu. Up to this point, I went from being indifferent to it to not liking it. However, once this came to light, I came to actually hate the idea of Nalu as romantic. I’ve had even less patience for the fandom that made itself near synonymous with the Fairy Tail fandom at large on every site ever. I doubt that will change anytime soon and I’m not sure if that’s a bad thing anymore.

Well, that’s my list of my favorite posts. I’m sure you guys have favorites among my posts and maybe some of them are on this list. If you want to see more of my other personal favorite posts and reblogs, I’ve tagged all of them as fav on my blog, including this one. Here’s to 5 more years of whatever the heck I’m doing on this blog!

See you!

[92jlo-blog]

My 2019 Journey

The purpose of this blog is to share my journey throughout 2019. It was one of the hardest years I have yet to experience. Not financially, nor physically, but mentally. In January, I entered the University of the Incarnate Word’s Master of Science in Organizational Development and Learning. Not many people understand what the degree entails. It is a psychology in science but for business. There are theories that explain why people behave a certain way in the workplace and it’s a study of people in general in the workplace. They also go into detail on how to manage and be aware of behaviors, as well as how to manage change.

Anyways, I thought I would mention that because I am often asked what my degree is in. As mentioned, in January I began the master’s program at UIW. I was excited to start the program, but I was also scared. I have been in school since I was in pre-k and I was mentally exhausted from school even though I took a semester off between my undergrad and grad school. I knew I could do it because I’m very disciplined. I was also working full-time, 45 hours a week. I was six months into my fulltime job. Mind you, this is my first full time job in three years. I had already been struggling with work-life balance before I entered grad school, taking on a fulltime job. Going into grad school, I told myself, “I got this”, “I can do it”, “it’s only a year”. No big deal, right? Wrong. A little before mid-year, I began to feel different. A version of ‘different’ I could not describe. At the time, I did not know what it was. I thought I was just in a funk and would come out of it. I didn’t. As time passed, I realized I was struggling because of work-school-girlfriend-daughter-cousin-friend-granddaughter balance. I divided my time as much as I could. I would wake up to go to work, then go to school or do homework every day after work, catch up with family and friends, and make time for my boyfriend. I felt okay with trying to divide my time equally, not realizing I was burnt out. I saw my boyfriend, cousins, friends enjoying life from traveling, going out, relaxing, living life without me, not intentionally. I had other obligations and goals that I could not enjoy those moments with them. It was eating me up inside because I believe time with loved ones is more important than any job or school. Others would tell me how proud they were of me and encourage me to keep going. In the back of my mind, I thought, all of you guys are living life and happy, while I work and give up time to focus on my studies. I understood my position and goals, but it was hard to watch everyone around me.

Mid-year approaches. I am still struggling but managing to hang on and get through life day by day. During this time my boyfriend and I started to question our future plans. I will not go into detail because it is not information, I am comfortable sharing. But I will tell you guys that our issues had to do with personal goals, and future plans that we have a difference in opinions on. After this bump in the road we overcame, reality set in. I thought, I’m still recovering the differences in opinions in my relationship, time will pass, and I will be fine! A month later, I found myself feeling unsure, but at this point I was stressed, overwhelmed and down. I was sure about my future, I was sure what direction I wanted my relationship to go in, I was on my way to getting my masters. What more could I need to fulfill my happiness?

Beginning of September, I realized I was in a depression. I would drive to work, unhappy, no music playing, thoughts running through my head. I would leave work, get in my car, and tears would pour down my face. Throughout the past months, I was spending more and more time away from my boyfriend, who I adored, and family and friends I loved. I felt alone. Nobody knew it, because I told nobody, I showed no sign of sadness, I kept it hidden. I saw this as a weakness and did not feel comfortable sharing this. I’ve known of many people around me to go through depression, but I thought, no way not me.

I felt disconnected from everyone and everything. I was physically present, but my mind was in a dark place. Insecurity sunk in. Insecurity has always been a struggle I have had because of past experiences. I have always kept my love life private, by choice and because my significant other felt the same way. I then thought I no longer want to have that much privacy; I want to embrace the love I have for my relationship. I thought this would help me be less insecure. I left it alone because I knew my mental health was a bigger issue, but it still bothered me enough to get upset and get sad about it when I thought about it often. I think my insecurity led me to wanting to remove the complete privacies of my relationship, because I wanted to feel as if someone were proud to be devoted to their relationship not that he didn’t on our own time. I needed that fulfillment at the time, but do not believe it would have changed my mental state, insecurity was just one factor contributing to mt depression.

Time had passed, I was still managing the dark place I was in, nobody was aware. I put on a smile and got through each day, one day at a time. Mid October had now approached and there was another bump in my relationship. Once again, I will not go into detail on the backstory, but minor information will be given to better understand that place I was in. My boyfriend and I took time apart to figure things out. During that time, I reflected back on this past year and my relationship. My boyfriend and I did not spend very much time together, he worked nights and I worked during the day and I had school and studying to do. I let him pretty much do what he needed to do to succeed in his career. I was often told that I my relationship was ‘different’ (not in a good way) and I was the “cool girlfriend” because he could life his life. I never thought much of it because I was doing the exact same thing, but my focus was on school. Which is a lot more socially acceptable than his career choice. I felt I gave my all in the relationship and did what I could to make him happy. We struggled during these couple of weeks. My depression hit harder than ever. I felt I wasn’t good enough to start a future with or to even be enough for someone to devote all their time too. Anyways, after reflecting I knew that my boyfriend loved me dearly, but I felt we were not as devoted to our relationship. Was it because we were accustomed to the lifestyle we made? Or was it because our personal goals were too important to one another? Our personal goals did not include each other. It became separate from our relationship. Was it because we were two different people on two different paths? There is not a for sure answer, but we managed to compromise and find a solution. We had identified what was lacking and knew we had to fix it.

Weeks passed by, and to be honest I felt a little relieved. Weight was lifted off my shoulder for a moment. I felt happiness slowly creeping back into my life. I was so hopeful. I was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, so I thought. I slowly was entering back into my secret depression, as if it never left. I’m still facing the same work life balance; I just had gotten used to it and made it a mental routine. The second bump in the road with my relationship, damaged me mentally. It put me further into depression, although I didn’t know. My insecurity was its highest. I could not wrap my head around what the issue was. Did I have too much on my plate?

Here we are in December, school has ended, graduation is next week. I have definitely improved my mental state. November was the least stressful month I had, and it allowed me time to clear my head and collect my thoughts. I cannot say I am completely out of the depression state, it is still there, but I feel it starting to slowly pass. I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to take care of myself before others. I’ve spent most of my life-giving time and helping and worrying about others that I forgot about myself. I learned it is okay to be selfish sometimes. I’m constantly trying to make up for something that is missing. I have an idea of why I tend to do that, but still unsure if that is truly the reason. I truly believe I was depressed a few months before I finally realized it. At the time, I identified depression with not leaving the house, or not talking to anyone, or just being down most of the time. But it’s not. Everyone has their own way of dealing with it, and I was able to handle it enough by myself. I was fortunate enough, because some people are not able to manage it on their own. I thank god every day because this could have been worse and there are other people who have it harder than I did. I decided to share this because I was so embarrassed to think I was going through depression even if nobody knew. People (like me) who can put on a smile, get through work and school do not always have it together. People (like me) who have their life so organized and planned for the future are not all what they show to be. Life threw so many obstacles my way this year, and people who plan their every move tend to fall apart when something occurs that isn’t in their plan. Lastly, I would never want anyone around me to feel like I did, and my door is always open. Anyone who knows me knows I love to listen; I don’t talk much and sometimes people just need a shoulder to lean on. As for myself, I need to learn to focus on me, and not worry about things and people I cannot change. A whole new chapter is ahead after graduation, I will use December to work on ME. I am grateful for all my loved ones who have stood by me through this journey, and I would have not done it without every single one of yall!!!

[arcanalogue]

Obligatory ‘Meet Your Diviner’ Q&A

Okay, stepping out from behind my little screen for a moment! A lot of people following here nowadays may not know anything about me, or the background of this blog. You may not even remember following me in the first place! I can relate.

It occurred to me that some people MIGHT LIKE TO KNOW CERTAIN THINGS. And since I’m looking to build up my roster of Patreon clients (who likes monthly readings, or tarot lessons, or random tarot insights? You do!) it seems a bit of disclosure may be in order. If I do it honestly and entertainingly enough, some of you old friends might actually enjoy re-learning these things too!

So, below is a brief introduction — dagger points instead of bullets, because I’m old-school like that. Inbox me if there’s more you’d like to know!

🗡 Who are you, anyway? Hi, my name is Tom, I currently live in Los Angeles with my my extremely tolerant boyfriend. I grew up in rural Arizona and then ran off to New York at a formative age. Queer non-binary human, accepting all pronouns! I’m a dingbat Aries who frequently craves validation, but can’t accept a compliment. 

Pastimes include retreating from the world so I can grumble about everything, and wearing too much perfume. I go to thrift stores almost every day, and have amassed too many vintage hat-pins. I keep a giant doll house in the kitchen. 

Who wouldn’t want advice from a creature such as this?

🗡 Can I get a reading in person? Yes, but know that I’m shy about it. When I first started out in New York City, it was all about reading at parties and posting Craigslist ads to meet new clients. However, when you shine a light out in the world like that, you can never be sure who it will attract. In my case, it brought lots of interesting people into my life; some were a little too interesting. 

For the most part, I prefer working from behind the veil of this little site, or via email. I’m at my best when I have an extra moment to divine deeply and then gather my thoughts; also, there are benefits to receiving readings that you can revisit as words on a page.  

Ask me truly anything, I will do my best to respond!

🗡 Are you psychic? Sorry, but I’m not that person, nor am I an astrologer. I have a rigorous spiritual practice that I keep relatively private. However, I’m happy to share whatever inspiration I glean from it.

Originally it was important for me to understand tarot cards through a truly secular lens: archetypes, synchronicity, the whole Jung starter pack. I wanted to combat popular misconceptions about what the tarot is, how it functions, what it can do, and what it can’t. 

That’s all very useful stuff, mainly so a reader can interact meaningfully with people from all walks of life, and all kinds of faith (or none at all). But tarot is NOT a secular or purely intellectual practice, and here’s why: no one knows where the “responses” are coming from. 

Despite starting out as a skeptic, after many years of practice, I can no longer personally accept nowhere as an answer to that question, or consider the results of a reading to be purely random or meaningless. If you don’t believe the answers really mean anything, then why are you asking? 

(If you’re asking purely to amuse yourself, I have great news: you can do that at home, yourself, for free.)

🗡 Why ‘Arcanalogue’? For about a decade, I have branded my site and services with this name, a mangling of Latin/Greek words that essentially refers to a “conversation with the unknown.”  

Embracing the arcanalogue nature of divination (instead of demanding to know who/what is speaking) has challenged my beliefs in ways I couldn’t have expected, gradually rekindling my faith.

🗡 Wait, faith? So are you like... a Christian? Ha ha no. HA HA HA. No! But so much of the iconography in the tarot deck stems from early Christianity, I have learned more about this history and symbolism from studying divination than I ever learned in church. 

Sorry baby goths — ya think it’s gonna be all demonic Crowleyisms and spooky #witchvibes and jacking off over sigils, but the history of everything is completely intermingled. You might still end up having to say the Lord’s Prayer. You might find that you actually really enjoy saying the Lord’s Prayer. Life is strange! And witch-life is the strangest of all. 

You CAN just buy the Crowley and/or various #witchvibes tarot decks, but if that’s all you ever learn, you’ll only scratch the surface of the deck’s mysteries, which are a major source of its power. And if you hate Christian symbolism with a burning passion (who could blame you?) and you’re looking for a purely non-denominational form of divination, you could always just flip a coin! Or grab one of those oracle decks. 

And even then, the goddess Fortuna may want a word with you...

🗡 What book do you recommend for beginners? This one: The Tarot: History, Symbolism, and Divination, by Robert M. Place (who has also created many brilliant decks, such as The Alchemical Tarot). 

There are so many books geared toward beginners, very few of which really dig into the concept of divination itself, or how the cards really work. As a historian, Place can show you why certain cards have ended up meaning certain things, instead of just providing a list of meanings for you to memorize. He also teaches divination as a storytelling technique, so you don’t end up just  regurgitating those meanings straight from the page. 

🗡 Why isn’t this blog more active? Ouch, you really came for me with that one. I’d really like it to be! I work full time, and I love my work. The more people support me on Patreon, the more space I’ll be able to carve out for this project in my schedule. *hides*

🗡 Do you have any special rituals that you do when you’re giving a reading? I spent so many years actively combating the kind of superstitions that cling to the tarot like barnacles. If you don’t feel like your practice is “right” or “authentic” without including these, then by all means, do what you’ve gotta! 

Just remember, you’re bringing all that with you into an experience where you’re supposed to be alone and vulnerable with your thoughts, opening yourself up to the unknown. Whatever gets you there!

Nowadays, I consider everything I do when I read to be a gift given to myself, in hopes of enhancing that effect. I’ve found over the years that when I cut the deck, I like to cut almost all the way down, not just halfway. To me, this is symbolic of casting a bucket deep down into the well of my unconscious. There’s something satisfying to me about a very deep cut! 

The most personal rituals are the ones that mean the most. There’s value in sharing these with others, but dictating them as protocol is shabby teaching. 

 🗡 How do you know if reading tarot cards is right for you? If you feel any calling whatsoever, then I think you should answer that calling. That’s why I first started my blog, it helped me organize my thoughts and keep track of what I learned, what I’d read. Before then it had all been very scattered and vague, and my progress was much more difficult to track. And believe it or not, I’d already begun teaching lessons by that point! It’s humbling to look back on now.

There’s a lot of self-consciousness and social anxiety wrapped up in the idea of trying to read someone else’s cards, or presenting yourself as a reader. Hello, I share these exact anxieties! 

But this is a state you must overcome at the beginning of almost any journey. Go be a big ol’ nerd and show the world where it can stick its judgment. I’m happy to help in any way I can! My “Learn” page links to some stripped down tutorials on a few basic subjects.

Back to an earlier point, if you feel called to take on a more-than-casual study of tarot, I urge you to learn the old ways as you contribute to new ones. Feeling connected to a tradition can be a tremendous support in times when you’re really not sure WTF you are doing. There are SO many new decks being made which are aesthetically beautiful but are very thin in terms of supporting a deeper connection to the tarot mysteries. An experienced user will be able to fill in the gaps easily. A newcomer? Perhaps not so much.

For those reasons, I recommend learning with the classic Rider Waite-Smith deck, or else one that closely reproduces its meanings. 

The unknown speaks to us in so many ways. It always has. The process of learning how to listen, and how to help others hear it too, is cumulative. Others stand to benefit from whatever you learn while seeking. 

🗡 You seem great! How can I keep tabs on you or interact with you more? I don’t mind if people follow me on Instagram (personal follows are fine also). I’m really boring on Twitter but there it is. I don’t really understand how the Tumblr chat works, so I don’t always see these until hilariously long afterward.

🗡 You suck, this was a waste of time and I want my four minutes back. 

[modesty-blaise]

Since I'm curious, what caused you to become very possessive of your gifs? Not out of rudeness but curious, since no matter what you do a lot of them show up in the gif function on Tumblr which automatically credits you at the bottom of the gif.

Hey. Tbh, at first I didn’t wanna bother with yet another anon but since I see no ill intent behind this, I decided to go and answer it. Unfortunately, half-way through I realised my reply is turning into incredibly long semi-bitter rant and expands well beyond calling out just one person in Psychonauts fandom (and yes, this is related to Psychonauts fandom – you do know that these anons are not really that anonymous, right?) so… buckle up! All that beneath “read more”.

I’ve been on this hellsite for like…7-8 years? Maybe more? Can’t really tell cause I moved blogs and my old blog now consists of only 4 posts I’ve made close to leaving so I honestly have no idea how much time I’ve spend here before moving. Anyway, during those few years I’ve spent on my first blog I’ve met a lot of creative gifmakers who enjoyed sharing their love for fandoms they were in. I’d like to point out that this was waaaaay before tumblr created that insert-gif option so, back in the day, the only way to add gifs to your post was to: 1. make them yourself 2. take them from someone else. And a lot of people were taking them from someone else which resulted in many gifmakers giving up on making gifs and leaving fandoms and/or even leaving tumblr – and I’ve had many of my friends give up on what they love and have their games/shows/movies/whatnot ruined for them cause people would not stop stealing from them. And many of my friends eventually left tumblr cause they couldn’t deal with it anymore.

Tumblr adding insert-gif option, in my opinion, honestly, just made it worse for gifmakers. Cause now people had the opportunity to use gifs for their posts, with or without creators’ permission/knowledge, but it was alright and it was perfectly fine cause creators were credited. There’s their name at the bottom. It’s alright. Like… it doesn’t matter if they’re actually okay with people using something they’ve put hours into making or if they’re not – tumblr gives them credit so they SHOULD be okay with it. Simple as that.

Well, we’re all different and some people are not okay with that. I’m not okay with that. It took me weeks to figure out how to use photoshop correctly. Took me countless hours of looking through different tutorials and basically trial-and-error-ing my way through the process. Whenever I make gifs, it takes me hours to record videos and then hours trying to achieve that 3mb limit on gifs (thank lord these days we’re beyond 1mb limit). After all that effort I put into creating gifs for games that I love and enjoy, someone is going to make 2 clicks and have that same gif added to their post, without even asking. So how is that okay?

Back to your question. Yes, “no matter what you do a lot of them show up in the gif function on Tumblr”, that is true and that is something I was aware of when I saw you-know-who announcing they would be starting 30 days Psychonauts challenge. So, hating to see my gifs used against my will, and not wanting to start any unnecessary drama and threaten people in advance with reporting them if they do use them, I’ve made my blog as private as I could. It was only accessible through the dashboard, it was not showing in ANY search engines inside and outside tumblr, and my gifs were impossible to find through insert-gif function – I’ve made sure. I did all that cause I just knew that during those 30 days, someone would use my gifs and I would get mad and I desperately wanted to avoid that (hence going extreme). And you know what happened? You know what creator of this challenge (who prevously already reposted my gifs) did? *drums* They used my shit anyway. :3 They just uploaded it from their computer, where they’ve saved it earlier.

And like… a lot of people see pretty pic and decide to save it - I mean, we all do that. Heck, even I have a folder full of shit I saw online and liked it – but i’m not uploading it online cause I haven’t made it. It’s not mine to share.

But some people are not like that.

Some people see fanart of something they like and they want to share their opinion on it – and instead of making their own post, maybe drawing the fanart themselves, they decide to use someone else’s art for their post. Do they know who made it? Do they have creator’s permission to share it? If the answer is NO, then they should be a decent human being and not do that to creators. Oh, they shared it anyway but now people in fandom are calling them out BUT this actually happened on accident? They know who the creator is but, somehow, they accidentally forgot to credit them? OK, well, it’s possible, shit happens, but they better make sure it doesn’t happen again.

Then sometime later these same people decide they want to make a post appreciating their fav character and they want to include pics cause duh, you can’t have character appreciation post without pics, right? Now they have several options: they can get their own screenshots, make their own gifs, maybe draw something… or they can just take someone else’s creation. Do they know who made it? Well there’s my fuckin name on it, and since they’ve stretched it from 245 to 500px, it’s really hard to miss, plus it’s not like there are that many people making Psychonauts gifs. Do they have permission to share it? Hmmm, nope, didn’t ask me. Is this also an accident? Could be. I mean, I’ve seen stranger things happen, so accidentally forgetting to credit content creators twice… kinda suspicious but still possible. Who am I to say?

Now if these people then decide to make a post appreciating their fav ship and they want to add a cute pic of the loving couple – yup, you guessed it! They can either create something or take something. Again: they know who did? They asked for permission? Got the permission? No?!?! But they posted it anyway?!?! :o Could it really be, that after being called out publicly, after being told that reposting is bad (something that’s very easy to understand), after even having tumblr staff intervene and remove stolen shit from their blog, after all that - could it really still be an accident?

Nah, man.

They just don’t give a shit.

Cause if they did, they’d stop with that crap first time they were called out.

(and if you think Psychonauts fandom is their only fandom and that they’re not doing this crap in other fandoms too - hoooo, boy, do I have some bad news for you! Do you know how many stolen and butchered HP fanart is on their blog? Hobbit stuff? They seem to be one of the most accident-prone users on tumblr. And honestly - it’s a real miracle their blog’s not been terminated.)

Back to what I was talking about - I’m not okay with people using my gifs and I’ve made it very clear. I literally do not give a shit if I’m credited or not, I’ve made it very clear that I don’t want my gifs used without my permission. If you like them and want them on your blog, there’s a fuckin reblog button. It’s sole purpose is to allow you to share other people’s creations. Or shitposts, cause lord knows we all love those.

So that’s why when someone spends hours going through my Psychonauts tag and goes as far as to send me “I love your gifs” anonymous message, but the very next day makes stim moodboard post including one of my gifs, now cut and resized to fit 3x3 format they’re going with, I get mad. And that’s why when someone uses one of my gifs to promote their RP blog, butchering it to fit their aesthetics, and later when confronted going as far as blaming their good friend on it cause god! they’ve had no idea it wasn’t theirs, I get mad. (makes you wonder though: if they friend has such skills, why not making them gifs themselves?)

Like…. I’ve had my gifs stolen plenty of times. I’ve had them stolen for roleplaying, for headers, for imagines, just for notes… I’ve had them stolen by people claiming to run official fan sites (that’s a real wild story but I won’t get into that now)… I’ve seen them on pinterest, weheartit, FB, all those random gif sites… and I’ve seen EVERY. POSSIBLE. EXCUSE. ranging from: “well i found it on google so why should i credit you” “lol dunno who made this but its pretty so im posting it” “ive had it on my computer for years so i don’t remember where i got it from” “i dont know how to make gifs so im using weheartit as a source” “credit to whoever made this” (that’s my fav) to “its just a gif so who gives a shit” (it’s not – it’s hours of creator’s time and lots of love that you’re now shitting on so thanks) and “i have an /illness/ and getting notes makes me feel better so dont u dare blame me for stealing” (I don’t remember exact excuse but it was something along those lines and like… how do you even respond to something that without looking like an asshole?).

And sometimes it really is just an accident. Sometimes people really do forget to credit you and/or ask you for permission. And I’ve had my fair share of those accidents. People in Psychonauts fandom have been using my gifs for various crap but, when approached, they’ve removed it and apologised. And it’s something I really appreciate. (if they actually bother reading this and they recognise themselves: i’m really grateful and thank you for not being an ass)

But you know what I don’t appreciate? People making a call out posts about me, asking about my gifs when they know very well they’re the main reasons why I’m not making those gifs anymore, at the same time failing to address any of the issues I have with them and instead rather explaining to others what happened BUT explaining only the parts that make me look like a villain cause how I even dare be mad about them stealing? How I even dare call them out on it? That is so ridiculous and criminal of me, and it’s so so sooooo bad that they need to call me out. I deserve to be called out by the very same person who’s been stealing my shit.

And their explanation is…well… it’s something.

They were sympathetic and polite? When did this happen? Did I completely missed that part? Please someone fuckin enlighten me with such post/message where they expressed their sympathy and politeness and I’ll apologise right this second.

I told them to “literally fuck off”? Yeah, that did happen, I admit that. Did they bother explaining why I told them to fuck off in the first place? Did they say they were caught stealing from me and had tumblr stuff remove my shit from their blog? Did they get into details of how they demanded the proof of my so very wild and obviously false claims but then when I showed it, they just deleted that “how dare u call me out cause I would never do such thing” post? No, they didn’t and geee, I really wonder why.

Instead, what did they choose to address? Out of all the things I’ve said. Hm? What did they choose? Me telling them to fuck off. Me dropping the F-bomb on them, rudely rejecting their obvious kindness and politeness. Nothing else.

Back to what I was talking about before I got derailed again: no, I’m not mad cause this person used my gifs without crediting me. I mean – I am, but that’s not my main issue with them (and they know it). My main issue is that this is someone who will continuously lie and steal and still deny any of it, even when there’s plenty of proof (and you can always count on me to show up with proof tbh), and then go as far as to publicly ask about my gifs and try to call me out. Like me getting mad that something I’ve put hours of work into, and something I’ve made cause I love the game and I want to share my love and appreciation for it, is now being shared against my will and my knowledge - like me getting mad over something like that is so unreasonable that they need to make an entire post about it while pretending they have absolutely no idea why I’m even mad and why we have issues.

And I have every fucking right to be mad. 3 times is not an accident. 2 times to the same person is not an accident. They know it. But yeah, playing stupid is their defense so it’s not like I expected them to actually address their actions this time either.

And you know what? Just because I swear a lot doesn’t mean I’m wrong. Doesn’t mean there’s no solid ground for my claims. People on tumblr have always been and always will be stealing shit. Sometimes they will credit you, often they will not, and that’s just how it is, doesn’t matter if you’re okay with it or not. But that doesn’t mean I’m just gonna sit quiet and accept someone’s shitty behaviour. Especially when it’s directed at me.

TLDR: giving credit =/= having permission

but my previous posts leading to this ask were not about that

you knew that already

[mirroredglitch]

On the Topic of "Friends"

After seeing the post that @fiftyshadesofdes made last night, I finally have the courage to discuss more thoroughly my experience with someone in the Mystic Messenger fandom. I would like to start with saying that if you got a notification for this post, it is because you are involved in some way. A few names shall be omitted for the sole reason that I don't want backlash from them specifically, but still.

This is going to get rather long, so, under a cut it goes!!

Many of you who follow me know that I was good friends with someone who writes a... decently well known fic involving the Choi twins. And some who I have talked more extensively with will know that this person and I are no longer friends.

I have to start from the beginning though, because although things got extra bad towards the end, there were events that happened along the way that hurt me deeply as well, and that I realize now were manipulative and abusive.

This person and I met through tumblr. I started following them after binge reading a few of their fics. And surprisingly, they followed me back. I was stunned, honestly. Someone I admired had noticed me! Me, who hasn't been active in any fandom in a long time, got in with someone I admired rather quickly.

They invited me to a server on Discord, and we talked more and more. Eventually becoming really, really good friends. I had never connected with someone as quickly as I did with them. We clung to eachother, in a way that I realize now was ultimately rather unhealthy.

I defended them when a 'friend' of theirs insisted on belittling them in the server. Like, I ripped into this person. I don't tolerate bullying, and if I see injustice of any kind, then I speak up. So that's what I did. And this person appreciated that. Probably too much, since this ultimately bit me in the ass later, but I'll get to that.

We, and a few other friends, started a fandom project. This project was met with... a lot of drama and controversy. We lost a friend in the process, and a few of our contributors left rather quickly. But we stuck with it. I would have defended that project and the people who were part of it with my life. And for a good chunk of it, I felt I had to. I answered asks, some of which were honestly nasty. I put out our PR announcements, and was met with some backlash with some of it.

I started to become friends with one of our contributors, @casualpastelgay. We had a shared love of Zen, and I was so, so happy to have someone to gush with about him, because my other friend disliked him so heavily. So I stopped talking about him with them, because I always seemed to be met with annoyance and animosity when I talked about him. Because he wasn't Saeyoung, and because this person also associated Zen with an ex-friend of theirs (the same one I defended them against previously).

I invited Raine into a server I made for my friends. And we talked about Zen in there. As well as discussing Vanderwood with @lokiiwood. My other friend decided that because we weren't talking about Saeyoung or Saeran, that they no longer had a voice. I was accused of replacing them as my best friend with Raine. I was made to feel awful for having friends other than them.

I had to deal with this while being sick, and camping with my (now ex) boyfriend and his family. I had to deal with dysphoria, and being misgendered and dead named, as well as the anxiety that I felt like my friendship with this person was crumbling for reasons I didn't even know. Because they weren't talking to me about why they were upset.

If I recall, shortly before this, I had started working on a Choi Sandwich fic that was meant to be a gift for this person. But, I was dealing with stress and so focused my attention to discussing an idea that was deeply important to me involving Zen. And I was bitched out for even thinking of an idea that wasn't this gift for them. Something that was meant as a stress reliever was treated with contempt by someone who I believed had my back.

They actually left my discord server because they were so upset at me.

The nail in the coffin on this? They had been complaining about how another friend acted jealous towards our friendship, and how they just wanted to be allowed to have other friends... but then turned around and acted the exact same way towards me.

We worked out our shit though, and I thought things were fine. But they threw a fit when I started getting closer with Karin/@lokiiwood as well. I had... a massive crush on her and they knew that, and got upset that I was talking to her as much as I did??

All throughout this, things were going... weird with the project we were modding. @fiftyshadesofdes had joined our team, as well as a few others, but I mention Des specifically because this person was truly awful to her. They got upset when one of our other friends starting getting close to Des and her date mate, @joz-stankovich. I heard numerous times how they thought that Joz and Des were petty and childish. And they misgendered Joz numerous times, which I got frustrated hearing, too. Because if they couldn't use their preferred pronouns, how could I expect this person to use mine when talking to others? As a trans guy, this deeply upset me, but, I held my tongue.

It reached the point where they were actually trash talking the art and writing of these two in private to me. Which was disheartening because they spoke so highly of them prior to Joz and Des deciding that they needed to step away from this person.

One of our other friends had also stopped talking to them for a while because of how they were being treated. And good lord... the amount of times I was complained to about how childish they were being. And how hurt they felt by this person... was honestly overwhelming. Remember how I mentioned earlier that my need to help bit me in the ass? Yeah, I went and talked to this person, and helped the two of them repair their friendship. It felt good to help, but now I feel as though my kindness and need to help was taken advantage of.

While all this was going on, I had to take a step back from the fandom project. I had a lot of life changes going on, and my mental health was getting extremely bad. To the point where I genuinely wanted to kill myself. I had split up with my boyfriend. I moved back in with my mom and brother. My grandmother passed away. My life was honestly a mess.

This person was by me through all of that. The mod team understood why I needed to take a break.

And then I got a new job. And I met my current boyfriend. And I stopped being online as much. I tried to message friends when I could, providing updates. Life was looking up.

My friend ignored me. Every single time I messaged them.

Until they finally responded, getting very upset with me for not being around. For 'abandoning' them. I got upset in return, and I lashed out. I think them getting upset with me for being happy and having a life was the straw that broke the camel's back for me.

I was told I was being replaced on the Choi Sandwich Week mod team. Because I couldn't be trusted to commit to it. So I left the blog and gave them full control. I transferred ownership of the discord server for it to them and left. I was so hurt that I wanted absolutely nothing to do with it.

They left all of our other mutual servers in return.

A few days later I was informed by the current head of our fandom project that I would not be credited as part of the team because it was unfair to the others for me to be credited when I was taking a mental health break. Despite all the work I put into handling things on the blog. Despite the fact that I had been a part of this project from its conception. I had been through hell and back for this project, and this is what I got in return?

I told myself I was okay with that. And then a day or two later I saw that my ability to see all the channels in the server for this project had been revoked. And I was so deeply upset that I just... gave up. I left. I was done being treated like a villain for doing what I felt I needed to. I had been told that my not being credited had nothing to do with my personal relationships with anyone in the team, but the fact that it was mentioned, and what happened afterwards just proves that it absolutely did.

After our fight, I had made the decision to block this person on tumblr and twitter. And I made a post about how a good friend had hurt me. I was upset and I needed to vent. Joz, Des, and Karin were there for me. Joz and Des being surprising to me at the time because I thought they disliked me for being as close with this person as I was. I was pleasantly surprised that they were so open and accepting of me when I reached out to them.

Some time later, I tried to reach out to this person again though. Because I was hurting. How does one go from being best friends to practically hating eachother overnight like that?

I got bitched out for defending myself. For venting. For blocking them when I assumed they wanted nothing to do with me. I was the bad guy once again.

I also found out recently that they hurt my friend @aromaticboar as well. I don't know if they even realized they did it, but still. I know she's done chasing down their friendship, and so am I.

I will not name this person in this post, but anyone who wants to know is welcome to send me a DM. To those of you who know who I'm talking about... thank you for being by my side while I pulled myself together again after I was hurt.

And to anyone who has been manipulated or emotionally abused, by this person or anyone else... know that you are not alone. I stand by you and am always open to talk.

Thanks for listening.

[gwiiyeoweo]

But with each loving kiss pressed upon his flaws and marks, Cor found it easier to see himself through Noctis’ gaze. Because whatever Noctis loved must certainly be something worthy of all the adoration.

It goes without saying Cor has amassed his fair share of scars. He's never felt self-conscious of his earnings, but Noctis makes them feel beautiful.

Pairing: Cor Leonis/Noctis Lucis Caelum Rating: T

“Have you ever thought of getting a tattoo?”

“Why? So I can replace Gladiolus as your Shield?”

Noctis smiled wryly, gently smacking a paint-stained hand across Cor's bare shoulder blade. “Yeah, so I can totally mess up centuries of tradition and family honor and all that jazz just so this selfish prince can turn the Marshal into my Shield,” he snorted, sarcasm and amusement dripping off every word and inflection. “It’s just, iunno. Seems like an idea.”

“Perhaps one day then.”

Here, in Cor's private chambers, they gave up all pretenses and honorifics separating their stations. Cor wasn't Marshal or the Immortal or some stone-edged warrior formed from the steel of his blade or the blood of beasts. Noctis wasn't Crown Prince or a living one-man army who could decimate entire squadrons with his deft illusory magics and immense arsenal of mastered weapons.

They were just two men, finding comfort in soft intimacy and softer touches.

Noctis had barged into his office earlier that day, firing orders to make Cor clear his schedule and free up his evening — he had even pulled rank to use his Prince status when the man made to argue. And Noctis rarely used his position to bow others to his whims, and Cor knew how much he hated any reference to his power and privilege as royalty; so the moment he had heard Noctis take advantage of that, Cor had realized just how serious his prince was.

Just, he hadn't realized how premeditated this all was. Hadn't expected the lights turned on the dimmest settings or the oil diffuser misting out his favorite vanilla-lavender scent. Hadn't expected the freshly laundered towels spread across his bed and set in his bathroom countertop, where his heated bathtub kept his oil-infused bath at the ready. With flower petals to boot.

“What's the occasion? Surely I'm not forgetting an anniversary or something?” Cor had asked, taking Noctis’ hands into his own and admiring the red rose stains on his fingertips.

“No, but you've been working way too much. Training and recruiting the Crownsguard, secret intelligence work, keeping contact with the Hunters. All the paperwork that would make even Iggy cry.” Noctis had explained, trying not to blush as Cor lightly kissed his fingers.

It's funny, how Noctis had no qualms with giving affection but tended to turn pink like a young maiden when that same affection was returned.

And here Cor was, stripped to nothing but his bare skin — save for the towel covering his lower half — as he laid himself across the towels on his bed, flopped onto his stomach and head turned to the side on a pillow, with Noctis perched above him. Unlike Cor, he was clothed comfortably in sweats and one of Cor's own shirts, old but soft with use and much too large for the smaller man. To his side, a small platter of handpaints Noctis had already dipped his fingers into.

Noctis traced lines and circles on his back, spending extra time where Cor knew his more memorable scars should be. He's curious as to what his lover was trying to paint, what colors he's dying his scars with, and if he's even trying to create anything recognizable at all or going for abstract nonsense. It's not exactly a massage but it very well could be, with how Cor felt all the tension melt out of his body under each fleeting touch.

Throughout all his years and his line of duty, it went without saying that Cor collected his fair share of battle proofs, scars and burns that etched themselves as permanent fixtures to his skin. There were old wounds that never quite healed right, too late for a potion to erase the scarring, and bullet holes amassed during his time at the front lines against the Niffs, when he couldn't find shelter quick enough or when he threw a greenhorn behind him and took the shot himself. He wasn't like the Amicitia, where its sons and daughters held onto their scars and flaunted them like trophies and war prizes. But neither was he ashamed of them; they were all proof he lived and served, or humbling reminders of reckless follies.

Yet when Noctis was here, tracing his healed wounds with gentle fingers and reverent eyes, Cor felt like precious fine art rather than an expendable soldier. Like finely spun glass, delicate and fragile when he knew he’s allowed to be anything but. Cor was a warrior, a soldier, a stalwart protector and silent spy; being handled like thin china was the exact opposite of what had been ingrained into him. It had taken him a long time to become comfortable with the idea, that someone like him who held so many scars could look like a flawless gem in another's eyes, that he was allowed to let down his carefully built walls down for once in his lifetime. All under the prince’s eyes, no less. But with each loving kiss pressed upon his flaws and marks, Cor found it easier to see himself through Noctis’ gaze. Because whatever Noctis loved must certainly be something worthy of all the adoration.

Cor felt thin splatters of paint across his back, and he opened an eye to peer up at Noctis, straddling his lower back with a definite but comfortable weight. Among the paint stains on his hands, Noctis’ fingertips were covered in white, and the paint threatened to drip off his fingers but never did. He returned Cor’s lifted brow and curious gaze with a satisfied grin of his own, and he leaned to the side to wipe his hands on a spare towel before reaching for his phone.

“Finally finished, Highness?” Cor asked, pushing through the drowsiness in his voice. A few more minutes of that and surely he would have fallen asleep, surrendered to the relaxing and therapeutic touch of his prince.

“Mhmm,” Noctis hummed in affirmation, angling his camera phone just right to snap a photo of his newest art piece.

Ever since he scrolled through that particular blog on the internet, Noctis had been enraptured by the idea of body paints and using bare skin as a canvas. Naturally, Cor had been the first — and only — guinea pig, made to strip down to his pants so that Noctis could find the perfect patch of skin to try his artistic skills on. It had been the arms at first, then the chest, and finally his entire bare body when Noctis made no show or sign at his myriad of scars. Cor had offered once, if Noctis wanted to trade roles and play as canvas, but they had both agreed the younger was far too ticklish, a cover-up for the trauma his own scar that still haunted him. A childhood wound that never quite healed right, when the young prince was but a small thing, attacked by a daemon and almost losing his life.

“Here.” Noctis leaned in and held the screen in front of Cor’s single opened eye.

It’s not a terrible picture, despite the poor lighting, but Cor had to blink to fully understand what he’s seeing. There’s the edges of his untouched skin, where Noctis decided were the borders of his painting, but within was a pool of blues and purples against a dark black, swirls of lighter shades streaking across his skin. There’s the barest hint of soft pink and pale gold, entwining themselves into a lazy river that broke through the darker paints, following the lines of a particularly large scar. It’s a galaxy of navy and burgundy, and clusters of light coiled around his old wounds. Among them all, he knew the white stars, where his little nicks and scar tissues should be, and the bright lines that connected them to each other.

Cor didn’t realize he had been smiling, until Noctis pressed a finger to the corner of his lips. “I think he likes it,” he said, laughter in his voice.

“Very. I think you’ve outdone yourself.” Cor held onto the phone for a while longer, while Noctis moved his hands to rest them on the man’s shoulders. “This constellation is familiar. I’ve seen this one before?”

Despite his attention to the screen, he’s temporarily distracted when he felt those kind fingers suddenly turn firm, kneading into the knots and sore muscles in his back. He knew the paints must still be wet, that Noctis’ merciless hands were now only smearing the careful strokes he had spent so much effort on, and that despite this was how they always ended, he can’t help but feel a bit sorry for the loss. Yet the dismay was short-lived, when Noctis worked his magic into the kinks and tight coils buried deep into his muscle, his skilled fingers turning from artistry to therapy.

Cor let the phone slide from his fingers, and he closed his eye once again to focus where Noctis' palms dug themselves into his skin. The prince must have picked up a few new tricks, no doubt from Gladiolus who doubled as his physical therapist, because Cor breathed out a near salacious groan when Noctis bore down on a particular ache that had bothered him for the past week. They're both a little surprised at the sound, but Cor had no reason for embarrassment and Noctis only found himself feeling smug and triumphant. So Noctis kept on, using Cor's sighs and moans as encouragement and guidance.

Noctis finally answered at the end, a little breathy from the exertion on his arms. “Leo, that constellation.”

Ah, of course. ‘How apt,’ Cor thought. He felt a shift of weight on his back, then the tickle of soft hair brushing against his nape. Noctis’ hands turn reverent again, and they quietly ghosted his spine and hard planes, and Cor recognized the particularly soft press of lips against his shoulder.

“Since you're my lion, y'know.” Noctis nuzzled the fine hairs on the man's neck, gifting a few more last kisses across his skin.

“And you, my night sky.”

Noctis’ laughed a warm breath in the crook of Cor's neck. “We're so cheesy.”

“Agreed. I don't dislike it though.”

“Me neither.”

Cor missed the warmth and weight on his back when Noctis pulled away, and the dip in the mattress told him Noctis slipped off. He kept his eyes closed, basking in the afterglow of the massage but keeping his ears open for the sounds in his bathroom. There's the ripple of water, probably from Noctis checking the temperature, and the sound of bottle caps opening and closing, before he finally heard the light footsteps cross into his bedroom again. Cor only opened his eyes when a warm hand brushed against his cheek, and his heart nearly constricted at Noctis’ tender gaze, his blue-steel eyes promising nothing but ardor and love.

And this. This is the prince he would fight hordes of daemons and armies of soulless machines for. All the battles spent in steel and blood, the silent nights infiltrating enemy lines, the sleepless hours spent leafing through documents and secret files. And if the gods would take that gentle heart from him, then Cor would wage war on even the heavens to keep his dear light shining. For all the cherished moments Noctis gave him, he would do anything to return them all tenfold.

“C'mon, Cor. Up we go, need to clean that mess off your back,” Noctis softly chided, lightly smacking Cor's cheek to route him.

“Join me?” he asked. Cor only managed to push himself off the bed through sheer willpower and the knowledge that Noctis had put in all the effort of preparing a special bath for him. He could have easily fallen asleep as he had been, especially if he had the prince slung under one arm and as a sweet warmth at his side.

“Duh, who else will wash your back? Bahamut?” Noctis replied, lacing their fingers together and pulling Cor out of bed.

“That's a disturbing picture.”

“You can say that again.”

Cor let himself be led to the bathtub, and the warm water washed over him like a sweet balm. With his head lolled back and his arms draped over the edges of the porcelain tub, he watched through hooded eyes as Noctis stepped out of his clothes to join him. It was a bit snug for two men, but Noctis fit in quite perfectly; and Cor was infinitely thankful that the interior designers insisted on a large bathtub. Noctis made himself comfortable, leaning his back against Cor's broad chest.

“Thank you for all this,” Cor said. He placed a kiss atop the prince's hair and watched as Noctis gathered a handful of water and rose petals in his cupped hands.

“Mmm, don't mention it. You looked like you needed this anyway.” Noctis tipped his head back and met his gaze with an expectant look.

Cor knew that expression, the way he liked to raise his brows and purse his lips just slightly. And he couldn’t deny him, not with all he's given him and not when Cor so wanted to give and take all at once. So he craned his neck and stole little breaths in between their lips, tasted a sweetness that could only ever belong to a certain Lucian prince.

Just, he wished he could give him more. Noctis would never want it, but Cor would gladly give him the world if he could. He only had his life to give; his heart had surrendered so long ago. If only he had the power to pin himself as the constellation to his starry sky, to make good on each others’ names.

And perhaps Cor could.

“Actually. About that tattoo.”

[writingjusttowrite8]

Golden (Chapter Four)

Hi friends! I probs sound like a broken record when I say this, but thank you so much to all those who have liked and reblogged these post and given kudos! And a SUPER HUGE thank you to those who’ve commented! I’ve gotten some people who want to be tagged in this, so I’ve started a tag list! If you want to be tagged, just let me know and I’ll add you. Thanks again loves!

P.S.: This is a secondary blog, so whenever I reply to comments on here it’ll pop up as coming from my main one (@galvanator). I’m not really sure how to adjust it and tumblr’s FAQ is, at best, unhelpful. I’m a technologically challenged millennial, so, from the bottom of my heart, my bad. 

You can also read this on AO3!

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 |

-

I had turned in my paper the following day and had been about to avoid going into his office. Mrs. Peters made some comment of how it was ‘good Mr. Laufeyson finally had a student to challenge him,’ but I’d mostly ignored her. After that, I really hadn’t had much to deal with him. I did the readings, took the quizzes, and kept my distance. It did make my heart soar just a tiny bit, when I got my paper back with a large 99 written at the top, and a note that read ‘Always room for improvement, but it is nearing perfection’. I wanted to forget about everything that had happened prior to us in class, but it was so difficult. More than once, a tall, dark, black-haired stranger invade my dreams and filled me with a lust my hand couldn’t provide for my body. I wanted to forget how his skin felt against me, about how perfectly our bodies collided, but my mind didn’t let me. 

Professor Laufeyson’s class would have most certainly been my favorite if we hadn’t met previously. He was so articulate and well-informed; he made myself and every student get caught up in every word. It didn’t hurt that he looked the way he did. His wardrobe consisted solely of clothing that fit him to perfection. His tall frame was seemingly thin, but he was so strong and hard. I really couldn’t blame any of the other women who had a crush on him; after all, I’d probably have had one too. 

I did my best to be as little noticeable in his class as possible; only arrived exactly on time, turned in all that I needed to turn in, and left promptly as class ended. Everything I finished early, I turned into Mrs. Peters, and narrowly avoided seeing Professor Laufeyson whenever I could. I had nearly memorized his schedule so that I wouldn’t run into him; unfortunately, that meant running into Professor Jinks quite frequently. His leering eyes always made my skin crawl. I could never quite shake the way Loki had warned me about him on my first day. He usually lost interest in my once I was past him, or another girl with better cleavage walked past. But there were instances in which I wasn’t so lucky. 

“You know, dear,” Mrs. Peters started, “Professor Laufeyson will be in shortly. Why don’t you just wait for him and you can give your paper in person. You miss him so frequently, I’m afraid he’s not giving you the proper respect a star pupil like yourself should be given.” A small, hysterical laugh escaped my lips at the irony of her words. 

“Trust me, Mrs. Peters, Professor Laufeyson is giving me the exact amount of respect I require.” I said. She narrowed her eyes at me, not fully understanding what I meant. Luckily (or unluckily), we were interrupted by the loud, obnoxious voice that could only belong to one man; Professor Jinks. 

“My goodness, you come to see Laufeyson so often I’d say you had a crush on him,” Jinks said while walking over to Mrs. Peters and I. I was stunned into silence, my cheeks immediately turning beat red. As it turns our, Mrs. Peters couldn’t stand him either. 

“Professor! You really are too much! Mrs. Alavan is here for academic purposes only. Something you should strive to do as well,” Her condescending tone made me feel a bit better. Jinks merely rolled his eyes, and leaned against the counter where I was standing, effectively blocking me in.

“You know if you really wanted to stand out in Laufeyson’s class, I could tutor you. I offer private tutoring sessions to those… outstanding students,” Jink’s smile didn’t quite reach his eyes, as they trailed down to my chest.

“I appreciate the offer, but I don’t need tutoring,” I said, tugging my books close and crossing my arms across my chest. Jinks scoffed.

“My tutoring could be of a great service to you; you sure you want to turn that down?” He stepped closer to me and I continued to back up. His intimidating glare made it hard to figure out the right thing to say, so I struggled with words for a moment. But then my savior appeared.

“If anything, Mrs. Alavan could give you some tutoring lessons,” Loki said, standing across the office. I let out a deep breath I wasn’t aware I was holding. Jinks turned to acknowledge Loki, then snapped it back towards me.

“I wouldn’t be opposed to that,” Jinks said, finally stepping away. I took my opportunity to quickly walk out of the office, but not without giving Loki a quick nod in thanks. I saw the recognition in his eyes, as well as something else…

It looked like rage.

Since I couldn’t forget, I did the second best thing; avoid. I ended up getting an internship at a publishing company because my classes weren’t filling up enough of my time. I worked, and wrote, and refused to go out with Kate. I didn’t need her abandoning me again, and I didn’t feel like explaining what was so disastrous about last time. Three weeks since I’d gone to his office, had passed, and I was actively minding my own business. Kate, however, didn’t like how filled my schedule was and was growing tired of me refusing to spend time with her. 

“Oh, for god’s sake, Aurelia, its one measly Friday night! You’re literally the smartest person I’ve ever met, going out for 5 hours isn’t going to lower your IQ!” She pleaded through the phone. I sighed deeply, and contemplated just hanging up. 

“I’ve been though this; my work is the most important thing to me. Just because you enjoy going out every night doesn’t mean that I do. I like being able to get ahead in my school work, especially since I’ll be starting my internship soon!” I told her. She whined through the phone. “And I really don’t see how it matters if I go with you or not. Literally every time we’ve gone out together, even back in the states, you found a guy within 5 minutes of being in a bar. You’ll just ditch me anyways,” I said.

“That not true! Well… not entirely. Last time we went you, I very clearly remember you winding up with a handsome stranger who, quite literally, fucked you into oblivion,” She said, and I could hear the smile in her voice. I cringed, my mind flashing back to that night. “I know you’ve thrown yourself into your work to avoid thinking about him, but I have a much better idea than that,” She taunted.

“Continue…” I egged her on. At this point I’d accept nearly any opportunity to get my mind off Loki.

“Come out with me tonight and find a new guy! The best way to get over a man is to be reminded that there are so many others to choose from! If you’re able to find another handsome stranger to rock your world tonight, I guarantee that you’ll forget all about Mr. Tall, dark, and insatiable,” She taunted. Highly unlikely, but I understood her reasoning. I had been left… unfulfilled for a month now. It might be nice to fuck my way out of the hole Loki created. 

“Fine,” I heard Kate squeal when I spoke, “BUT, we can’t go to the same place. I don’t want to run into him once more.”

“Oh, I’m way ahead of you. Theres a bar a few block away from there, that’s a little more catered to students. I’m sure you’ll be able to find exactly what you need there,” She insisted.

I smiled to myself. This is a good thing; in a few hours, Loki will be old news. 

-

A slight knock on the door alerted Loki that there was a presence in his doorway. He looked up from his papers seeing Jinks in the doorway with an evil glint in his eyes. Loki checked his watch, seeing that it was just past 5:30. 

“Plans tonight, Laufeyson?” He asked.

“Not currently. I’d imagine you’re here to change that,” Loki said, leaning back in his seat. Jinks came in, looking around at some of the loose papers on the usually pristine desk.

“A couple of us are going out to celebrate the first month ending. You’ll join us, won’t you?” Jinks framed his words as a question, but Loki knew he wasn’t working his way out of this one. 

But, he had to at least give it a shot.

“The end of the first month means the beginning of exam season. I need to prepare a bit. I’m not sure its the right time to be going out,” He countered. 

“Oh, come on!” Jinks said, not persuaded by Loki’s words. “You’re the most prepared lad in all of Great Britain, surely you can afford one night of fun? All of the fun ones are going, even Candice from history, and she’s always had eyes for you…” Jinks leered. Gross, Loki thought, Candice had eyes for anything with a pulse. Loki huffed for a moment, trying to think of a good excuse before something dawned on him.

“Where would we be going?” He asked Jinks. He seemed to light up at the question, sensing he was getting closer to his goal.

“Sullivans, uptown. You’ve been there?” Jinks ask’s Loki. The name was familiar, but what really mattered is that it wasn’t where he’d met Aurelia. The chance of him running into her again would have prompted a much harsher rejection.

“Fine, but I’ve got to go home to change,” He said, standing up to put on his coat. Jinks slapped his hands together.

“Fantastic! I send you the address and you can meet us there. This will be fun! Even us esteemed professors need a night for ourselves,” He leered in the door way, with a facial expression Loki could only describe as disturbing.

Loki quickly made for his house, not really needing to change clothes, he just wanted a minute to himself. Thinking of Aurelia always threw him off, and he needed a minute to shake the thoughts out of her. But his idea to go home to get her out of his mind probably wasn’t the best plan of action. He’d washed his sheets 4 times since she was there, but every night, without fail, he’d swear he smelled her scent. It was engrained in his head; her smell, her eyes, how she’d exhaled when he’d touch her, like she was burning without his touch. It was too much to forget; not that Loki had done a good job of attempting that. He’d look at other women, and instantly compare her to Aurelia. He’d accidentally brush against a girl and sensed how different her warmth was from Aurelia. Everything reminded him of her, and it was eating at him. Her tiny, black-lace underwear were hidden in the pages of a hollowed out book he use to store sweets in as a child. They were a sweet in their own right, just a different context behind it.

Loki had built up a catalogue of things he regretted in his life, but the morning he left Aurelia was the one that stood out most. He hadn’t been able to sleep, but rather, watched her intently after their night together. Her dark hair fanned out across the pillow, her sweet lips parted slightly, how her hand was so tightly gripped with his; all of these thoughts were burned into his mind. It wasn’t until the early morning he was able even to look away from her. He didn’t have a huge stock in his kitchen, so he didn’t think there would be any harm in stepping out for a few minutes to go pick something up. It was only when he returned to his empty house, her scent already infused in his entryway, he realized what a mistake he’d made. That evening he’d even gone back to the same bar to see if he could find her, but after no sightings and three over-zealous women, he’d left.

Loki didn’t want to feel this way; he hadn’t even wanted to go home with somebody that night. But when he caught her gaze, something drew him in. It was like a rubber band pulled him to her until the collided, making an irreversible mark in his heart. That same rubber band that pulled them together, snapped from the tension and hit him right in the face the day he saw her in class. She was looking down, obviously panicking, but her unmistakable tendrils of hair had given her away. To every other student, he was just taking stock of who was in his class, but the slight clinching of his fist and deep swallow in his throat almost gave him away. 

He knew when he saw Aurelia in class that whatever pull he was experiencing was would need to be squandered, but it wasn’t completely gone. Despite him not wanting to go out, Loki couldn’t help but think this was a good way to finally remove whatever tug Aurelia had on him.

-

My short, velvet skirt didn’t provide a ton of warmth for my legs as the cool wind hit my body. London is such a beautiful place, but its temperature left a lot for a native-Floridan to be desired. Kate walked briskly, her long legs forcing my short ones to nearly run. I looked around at the people standing near the bar and noticed, pleasantly, that this crowd was much more college-friendly. Despite her promising not to abandon me again (I made her recite the mantra ‘I will not abandon you’ in the cab over here), we weren’t two steps inside until she saw someone familiar and ran to the other side of the bar. Great.

I found myself in an uneasy and familiar situation one again and vowed to myself that this was the last time I accompanied Kate to a bar. I noticed some girls that I vaguely recognized in a few of my classes by the bar, and decided that standing near them was better than standing on the wall by myself. Another girl who was in a situation similar to myself, was also seated at the bar, and looked at me curiously when I ordered a drink.

“You’re in Professor Laufeyson’s class too, aren’t you?” She asked, slurring a bit. I nodded my head, taking my drink from the bartender. She stuck out her hand and I shook it.

“Daisy McGee,” She said.

“Aurelia Alavan,” I told her. 

“Where are you from?” She asked, clearly recognizing my accent. 

“Near Miami, but I go to school at NYU. I’m just doing a semester over here,” I explained. She nodded. “What about you?” I asked.

“Near Dublin. Got a nice scholarship to come over here, so…” She shrugged her shoulders and I laughed a bit. “How are you doing in his class?” She asked.

“Not bad; he’s a little stingy on grades though. Gave me a 99 on the first paper because there’s ‘always room for improvement’.” I told her. She looked at me with wide eyes.

“You’re actually able to pay attention? Good god, more power to you. Every time he opens his mouth all I want to do confess my love to him,” She said, resting her head on her hand and looking away from me. I laugh a little bit; partially out of her words, partially out of how ridiculous the situation was. “Even now, there are plenty of eligible bachelors here, but I can only focus on him…” She said, sighing. I looked at her confused.

“What do you mean?” I asked. She pointed into the direction she was looking, and lo-and-behold, Loki was there. His sharp facial features pressed into a stoic expression while he watched the man I’d come to know as Jinks. Jinks was clearly drunk and hanging on the arm of a fake-looking woman, but Loki seemed to be unimpressed. I, on the other hand, was fuming. ‘Would it ease your worries if I told you that I don’t often do this as well?’ his voice rang so clear in my mind from that night. I believed him! Even after everything, I believed that this wasn’t a normal occurrence and that he wasn’t some mid-thirties perv who uses his prowess to influence young women. 

I felt stupid, humiliated, and entirely heart-broken. There was something very comforting about the fact that I was the exception, and now… I felt tears clouding my eyes and my skin burn bright red. Daisy had said something to me, but I was too wrapped up in my furry to notice. It wasn’t until his bight blue eyes cast themselves in my direction, that I felt my body unfreeze. His expression faltered only slightly, but his eyes didn’t leave mine, and I didn’t have the heart to turn away. Finally, I was able to hear over the blood pounding in my ears to see what Daisy had to say.

“Those eyes could peer into my soul. Isn’t he charming?” She said.

“Yeah,” I hopped off the stool, grabbing my bag, “A real charming son-of-a-bitch.” Maybe if Loki hadn’t been captivating her, she would have noticed me stomping off, but thankfully she was too enamored with looking at him. I tried to navigate my way through the still-growing crowd, but a large, pale hand grabbed my waist and began pulling me in a different direction. I turned back to yell at whoever it was, but when I saw his face, my voice fell silent. He gripped me a little tighter when I stopped fighting him, and very delicately pulled me through a door near the back. The cold air of the outside hit my over-heated skin like a ton of bricks. I turned to face the wall to collect my thoughts and make sure we were alone before tearing into him.

“Aurelia,” he started, but I cut him off.

“How dare you! How dare you tell me you don’t do this often! You’re even worse than that Jinks character; at least he has the decency to wear his creepiness on his sleeve. You hide behind that cool exterior and pretend to be one of the good guys, but all you really are is some sleaze!” I huffed. My fist were balled up at my sides and I was stomping around, trying not to look directly at Loki. His firm hands grasped my shoulders, forcing me to stop and take a breath. His eyes were wide and his mouth was set in a firm line. “What!” I yelled at him. 

“Jinks made me come; I didn’t want to. And the only reason I allowed him to choose this place is because I couldn’t risk seeing you again at the other bar. I don’t come here, not to places with students. I would never do anything to make you feel uncomfortable, you must know that,” His piercing blue eyes bore directly into mine.

“You… came here to avoid me? Ha…” I said, somewhat hysterically. “I came here to avoid you,” He finally let me go and I slacked against the brick wall. 

“We really are a pair, aren’t we?” He breathed, mimicking my actions. I slid against the wall until I was seated on the ground, and he followed me as well. 

“Why can’t we seem to stay away from each other?” I asked. I didn’t know if I was asking him, or just the universe in general. 

“Maybe we shouldn’t…” His voice was barely above a whisper, but it rang in my ears.

“No…” I got up and started pacing again, trying to hold back tears and not let him see the one’s that had already fallen. “You can’t say that to me! You hurt me so much; letting me wake up alone like that! I thought it would be easy to just have fun and not get attached, but you woke something in me that just won’t go away now! You left me, Loki, you’re the one-“

“I didn’t leave you!” He yelled. I stopped in my tracks and turned to face him. He stalked over to me and gently slid on large hand on my cheek. “I didn’t leave you, not like that. I wen’t to get breakfast and when I came back, you were gone. I figured you didn’t feel what I felt that night and just left. I wanted to come back and ravish you for the rest of the day and take you on a proper date that night, but you were gone! I didn’t want you to go, I never would have left if I thought you’d taken it as a sign to leave,” his usually strong voice was pleading and soft. 

I didn’t mean to, but I couldn’t resist gently pressing my lips to his. He felt so cool and soft, making my beat red skin tingle at the contact. It was a gentle, momentary kiss, but it felt like hours. When I realized what I’d done, I tensed up and quickly broke away. His eyes were closed, and his lips were slightly parted, and he slowly opened up his eyes to me. 

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done-“ His lips were back on mine, but this time it was feverish. His mouth was hungrily devouring mine, while his hands went to grip me too him. I clawed back at him, pulling him as close to me as possible. He pushed us against a wall and hiked up my leg around his hip. His tongue dove into my mouth and tangled with mine. My arms wrapped around his neck and my hands played with his soft hair. After a while of an intense make out session, he pulled back and rested his forehead on mine, catching his breath. 

“Give me one more night with you… please” He said quietly, letting his warm breath fan across my face.

“Yes.”

-

Forewarning for the next chapter... prepare for Da Smut™.

Tag List:

@thevixeniris @lovinghiddlestom

[makistar2018]

Woman who analyzed Taylor Swift’s lyrics gets to meet her

BY TARA MCCARTY The Tampa Bay Times August 18, 2018

TAMPA, FLA. The Florida sun burned through my black pleather top as I hurried around Raymond James Stadium. I tried to grip a set of metal plates used at the Tampa Bay Times printing press, but my hands kept slipping. The sweat had little to do with the heat.

Days before, I had published a project in the Times called "Look What Taylor Swift Made Me Do," analyzing lyrics of her six albums over three years. My quest was to learn about my favorite singer, who is notoriously private, by decoding her lyrics.

I knew many people had read it in print and online. I'd spent the morning before her Tampa concert interacting with some of those readers on Reddit about my methods and why I did this. But I didn't know if one reader — the reader — had seen it at all.

Then, I'd gotten a text. It was Jay Cridlin, the Times pop music/culture critic: Hey, can you call me ASAP?

My heart pounded. Did I mess something up? I called immediately.

"Taylor's publicist called me. They read the project. She invited us backstage tonight to meet her."

The sweating began.

The security team at the stadium eyed the plates. A supervisor came over. There was no way I was allowed to bring them in. They were sharp, they were metal. I sputtered, knowing the words sounded pitiful.

"I'm meeting Taylor. Her publicist said to bring them."

That was a hard no. I felt defeated.

When the article went to press the week before, I'd called the printing plant to see if they could save the plates. The sheets of metal are not only a tangible form of my project, but also symbolize the work I do at the Times as a news page designer — a job dependent on the health of print newspapers, which so many people around the country claim are on their deathbeds.

The operators at the plant gave me two copies of the plates. One set will be framed and hung on my wall at home.

Now dejected, I started to set the other by a trash can near the box office. Maybe someone would stumble upon them and wonder why anyone would make metal posters that looked like newspapers featuring the face of Taylor Swift.

The project started from a desire to learn about Taylor, to support the connections my brain made with her lyrics. It resulted in collaborations with nearly every corner of the newsroom. Only after it was published on tampabay.com did I really start to think other fans might truly find it interesting.

I briefly entertained the idea that one day the project would reach its subject through social media, and she would tweet or blog it. But I never expected her to read it, much less before her concert in Tampa. I certainly never expected an invitation to meet her.

It's not the reason I wrote it, not at all. But now that I had the chance, I had to put an ending on this story.

As I turned back toward security, my friends yelled solutions at me. The heartbreak on my face was plain.

I saw Jay raise his hand. He was on the phone. Take the plates to the media entrance, he said. I whipped around and hurried them to a confused doorman, who, after a phone call, promised to get the plates where they needed to be.

I breathed, and gleefully glided through security.

Taylor Swift's publicist appeared out of nowhere as I stood gaping at the crowd on the floor level of the stadium. She led us through just a couple doors and then a curtain, and there she was.

Taylor gathered me into a hug. I was vaguely aware of how sweaty I was and how not sweaty she was. We had a brief, but real, conversation.

Her team asked us to keep exact details of the meeting off the record, so I'll honor that. In fact, it makes sense. This practice of keeping Taylor private is what led me to try to decipher her the first place.

But strictly from my perspective, the entire experience had a dream-like quality.

I was able to explain the gift of the newspaper plates, describing them as stamps that print the newspaper.

And it was my understanding that she saw the story in print. For a project intended for online and all the ways it was pushed on social media (I am now a member of no less than 22 Taylor Swift fan groups on Facebook), Taylor Swift saw it in our local newspaper.

The memory of meeting Taylor still feels like a dream, but it's also reality now. If my reporting proved anything to me, it's that there's a little room for both.

We took a glistening photo together, with a backdrop of her name on newspaper pages behind us.

Idaho Statesman

[spacednp]

Here are my full and unfiltered opinions on trans people! Because some people on discord think I’m transphobic!

Trans people are great. I don’t care if you’re trans or not and you’re not special because you are trans, it’s not something you should want to be but it’s something some people are, and I support and respect that and the people but I’m not going to put them on a pedistol because they don’t need that. They need support and the truth not warship and fluffy “oh oh honey!”s.

It’s not transphobic to not want to date a trans person. The genitally (even after any surgery out there) and sometimes outward appearance of trans people doesn’t always match what people are attracted to. It’s simple fact that a biological man that has gone through puberty will have an Adam’s apple and most people who are attracted to women (excluding those attracted to both men and women) will not find that attractive. They will also not find a penis attractive. That is not transphobic that is just fact. There are a few exceptions that will be okay with dating a women with a penis. A FEW. That’s all there needs to me because there are also only a few trans people. It is not transphobic to not be apart of the minority.

You need to disclose that you’re transgender to anyone who will see you naked. I am not saying this because I hate transgender people and want them to be uncomfortable I’m saying that because I love them and want to to stay alive. You don’t know how people will react to you being transgender. The stupidest thing that’s ever been argued against any of my opinions is on this topic. The person told me “you don’t need to disclose if you’re trans if you’re mtf and have the surgery-medically made vaginas look the exact same as a real vagina” which is just a flat out lie. First of all, a penis is not where a vagina is. A vagina is father down, so, when they make the penis into a vagina, the placement of that penis does NOT just magically change. Even then, it’s made by surgeons not artists. They make a scientifically accurate vagina that will survive its purpose, they do not make a beautiful completely accurate vagina. Some people will kill you if they find out you’re trans in private. Tell me one thing, would you rather be hit in public where there are dozens of eyewitnesses who can testify on your behalf or would you rather die in a dusty motel room where no one can really prove who did it? Because that’s the shit that happens to trans people when they say that shit in private. You do it the first time you get them into a public setting and you don’t tell them your address or let them be anywhere in private with you or take your clothes off until you know they are be 1000% okay with dating/being near a trans person. It’s for your own safety.

Now the other reason for disclosing what’s in your pants to a potential sex partner is because sorry baby but some straight men/women just don’t want to sleep with someone with your genitals. It’s not transphobic to not like dick/vagina in any circumstances. Genitals are only a factor in sexuality aka they can still want to be with you for your other attributes but genitals are still a factor, to some people they’re just a bigger deal than to others. Put them first and put their comfort over yours. Think about what’s more nerve racking, telling someone you care about that you have a dick/vagina or getting into bed with someone and realizing they do not have what you think they have in their pants and then having to say you don’t want to sleep with them and possibly facing the “THATS BLANTENT TRANSPHOBIA!!!” bullshit. There’s also the inability to have children thing, but that one to me is kind of a given and I don’t really need to go into too much detail on this.

I don’t think gender fluidity is a legitimate thing because that means that it’s to some degree a personality trait/founded on stereotypes and I do not agree with that at all. But I am not genderfluid so for all I know it’s out there but I’m just not it.

Non binary to me isn’t really a gender but it’s more of a self expression tool, now this is really controversial and I’ve gone into more depth with it other places on that blog and it’s a bit different than trans to me so ima not get into that too much here.

Trans people go through tons of shit but we all do. This is just their battle, and some need to step up and take responsibility. Their struggle is acceptance; I can relate, my family is not accepting of my lack of religion and my sexuality. Their struggle is safety; I have that too, being gay and the fact that literally every other night I wake up to police lights and a new neighbor being carted off to jail for whatever reason (top hits such as: 80 pounds of cocaine under a trailer, that one guy who help 4 teenage girls hostage for 12 years, my neighbors who set their house on fire (with their kids inside how sane), the other neighbors who had actual heroine needles decording their yard, and then there’s all the times my house has been in danger with guns, drunk guys, high guys, people breaking down my door etc etc etc.) literally as I’m writing this I can see police lights out my window... And on top of all that the financial aspect of surgery and hormones; opp got one for that too i have health issues and hospital bills are hell so I’m currently unmedicated fun fun fun.

Basically people in general are good and I love them all to a degree, their opinions are just opinions and I can see that, but if I disagree I will say so and if people can’t handle that they should react with something other than “YOURE TRANSPHOBIC” because if I was, if I really really was, you’d know and I’d wear it like a crown. I am not transphobic and honestly while I’m not attracted to penises in any way and as of now wouldn’t want to date a women with a penis that doesn’t mean I’m closed off to it 100%. I haven’t been in that situation so I can’t say I would never.

-this is written after I got those asks-

Thanks for assuming I’d never date a trans person when I literally said that i wouldn’t currently want to date anyone with a penis that’s more of a thats not my thing than a Ew No Date Trannie He He He to me at least but whatever

Last note; I know I said this is my full opinion but ya know anxiety is a bitch and I think I heard a gunshot in the middle of this and I definitely heard a scream and a cat going v v fast around the neighborhood so naturally thinking isn’t very easy right now hahah if I die make sure that everyone may fuck my corpse because that’s what I would have wanted