#self depreaction

[dumbest-of-cunts]

Charles getting cancer is actually comical to me.

Imagine the only purpose you have in this life, the only reason you were born is to be king. That’s it, that’s all you have. IS TO BE KING. You were told from childhood that you one day would rule England after your mother. So you wait and wait. You wait for 59 YEARS. Because your 96 year old mother hasn’t carked it yet. THEN she finally kicks the bucket, you’re finally king at 73 years old. Congratulations. Your life purpose has finally happened. But not even two years in ASS CANCER beats you. What a life huh?

It’s a our princess coming through for the win.

[incorrectrwbyladybugquotes]

Blake: *Makes a self depreacting joke*

Ruby: Blake! You have to love yourself!

Blake: Don't tell me what to do.

Ruby:

Ruby: IF YOU DON'T LOVE YOURSELF, THEN I WILL!

Blake: YOU'LL WHAT? YOU'RE THE SELFLESS ONE, SO YOU SHOULD LOVE YOURSELF!

Ruby: DON'T CHANGE THE TOPIC!

Blake: IF YOU DON'T LOVE YOURSELF, THEN I WILL!

Ruby: BLAKE!

Blake: RUBY!

Weiss:... I'm gonna tell them-

Yang, holding her arm: Not yet-

[dontbeanassbutt]

I wanna mr clean magic erase myself out of existence

[moved-19871997]

you guys have this weird name for me...

[sun-stomach]

Do you ever realize that you're an idiot, cuz I just realized that I'm an idiot.

[mcytblrprison]

can you put me in jail for until i stop having self-depreacting sense of humour that worries some of my mutuals please and thank you

@star-of-nobility is in jail!

And here's an assurance from me, you're doing great!

[transdib]

ive wanted to do youtube, or animation, or anything to do with being an influencer, for literally 6-8 years, ive attempted to make videos during those times, or write scripts, or do anything along those lines. but every single time ive attempted, ive had the same trains of thought or the same voices in my head that essentially make me give up before i even start. i have super complex feelings about it and im in a rambling mood so i guess im just gonna vent all i can about it and get it out.

i mean, a huge reason has been because ive been going through absolute hell my entire teenage/young adulthood, just all these personal traumas/emergencies/crises that have made me need to prioritse surviving day by day, which makes taking time to create genuinely so difficult. it makes me sad because as a preteen/early teen, i of course went through a lot of trauma and family dysfunction, but i used the computer and mt creativty to escape it all. i was really actively making amv’s, stories, art, etc. i arguably had more of a following/community than i do now. and im not sure what changed. i think just the general....fact that my trauma started to get more complex and being repeatedly shown that escaping didnt truly let me escape my abuses. i think ive been rewarded for staying low, keeping quiet, staying agreeable and compliant, because anything outside of that has gotten me hurt in the past.

i feel like im constantly swimming with ideas and inspiration, and i have a lot of feelings and need to talk about things. im not self absorbed by any means, and the idea of being an “influencer” itself is not whats appealing, i just like the idea of having my ideas out there and seeking connection through that. 

and a lot of the thought patterns i get when i think about creating are a combination of “whats the point?” “someone else has already done it and better” “its an oversaturated market” “what makes me more interesting than the next person?” “i cant handle having my existence on display to others for them to critique and form opinions about” etc which i know are all very self-deprecating thoughts

but they get more complex than that

i think about how much youtubers are under scrutiny, i think about how toxic internet culture has become, and not even in a just way, like i literally cant handle the idea of a small group of people stalking my internet history over the 14 years ive been online, even knowing my deadname or some shit. and ive seen how much people can hurt when they wanna hurt.

i also, in a self deprecating way, just find myself not interesting. i think a lot about how people are constantly fighting algorithms and creating an online persona to get an edge, to grow their platform. then i get into this spiral of feeling like ugh. we’re forced to make a brand out of ourselves and sell ourselves. we lose a lot of our humanity through this, because weve curated a very specific version of ourselves that is digestible and consumable. im also not a confrontational person (due to trauma) and i see a lot of the popular youtubers be people that are very outspoken, cemented in their ideas, and unfortunatly, are in dramas or even seek/perpetrate it. of course i follow a lot of people who arent like that, but they feel a lot more educated and well spoken compared to me.

again, i understand a lot of this comes from self depreaction and pesimission, but i literalyl cannot shake these thoughts every time i go to create something. “whats the point” is a very strong thought, because i feel like a nothing, someone who cant add anything substantial to pretty much any topic that has already been discussed into the ground. it feels very bleak and a big reason ive struggled to even draw or create merch the last 2 years. or bothered with my online presence as an artist. i have lots of visions and goals about where i wanna take myself, but dont have the charisma, motivation, or certainty that i want to.

and i know that being a creator isnt as vapid and vain as im making it sound, being a creator online is just that, a creator. expressing creativity, taking the ideas in your head and sharing it with others. i feel like thats, at its core, why pretty much everyone starts out doing this. but i mean, dont even get me started on the need to monetise off your creativty, thats another big chunk as to why i falter in producing “content”. im just so fatigued, because i know i cant ever been like my 13 year old self again where i just created whatever the fuck i wanted out of fun, bc i now feel like the internet has been...”infected by capitalism” for a lack of a better term, and theres a lot of pressure nowadays to sell yourself to a certain standard.

ironically, i feel like composing a proper think piece about my feelings and putting them into a video lmao.

also just practical issues like i dont have the money to invest in a camera/equipment, ive had unstable housing in the past so production has been difficult/impossible, and i havent had the computer to handle video editing up until last year. siiiigh, just so much fuckery

[monstersqueen]

VRISKA: Hey, it's John! JOHN: vriska, is that you? VRISKA: Yeah! Get over here!!!!!!!! JOHN: alright. TAVROS: (oH,) TAVROS: (gREAT,)

here it is again my favorite dynamic!!

[dumbest-of-cunts]

I felt this deep in my soul

[therobinsonwayoflife]

Unnecessarily Complicated (Speculative) Psychoanalysis of the MTR characters:

*basically these are headcanons because the original canon? not much to go off of tbh

so I’m only doing the three main (ish) characters although I’ve already talked a lot abt Michael and Wilbur here. 

Cornelius:

We know about him the most, from gawky self-depreacting childhood to freakishly collected adulthood so i can confidently say that he consistently seeks validation, covertly through his inventions. He will literally never say so out loud, not under oath, not with a gun to his head, not to anyone. But he craves attention and nothing is ever enough. He’s used to working to the bone until he gets what he wants to the point where when he does achieve something, he doesn't know what to do with it. Once he’s finished one invention he’ll start another, if one project is failing or starts to bore him, he’ll immediately loose sleep on moving on to the next thing. Though he likes to tout about his love of charity and using his inventions to help people, they’re also a means to an end: both to seek others’ attention, and to distract from thinking about himself too much. 

He doesn’t want to think about his flaws or his strengths, or his personality, or his vulnerabilities; it’s all about what he does. If someone were to criticise his inventions, that’s fine he’ll just work harder if someone criticises his behaviour or his personality it’s like hitting a brick wall. Of course if he cares enough about the situation he will find a way to adapt, he’s very stubborn and sometimes even obtuse but he’s a people pleaser at the end of the day. He simultaneously cares about pleasing everyone and asserting himself as an individual  than everyone in a very specific way. He loves rules and he’ll follow them to a T until he finds a way to break them and be better than everyone else. He never wants praise for anything that he personally didn't achieve or can’t control. Like if someone compliments him on his looks, he’ll call them vapid. 

Everything is a work in progress, something to figure out and this also applies to his relationships. After years of rejection and abandonment he’s immediately suspicious of everyone but if and when someone does gain his trust and peak his interest, he’ll start to analyse them and pull their personality apart until he  (thinks) he knows them. He can be very charming and finds all these ways to indirectly play his strengths to them, tailor himself to their personality, make all the gears mesh together. He’s really good at chasing after people but he’s also extremely self-conscious about seeming too clingy so he’ll compulsively avoid the very people he wants attention from. Like his work, once he does get someone to love him back he gets confused, like he never expected this to happen, he didn't plan this far ahead. He needs someone to tell him what happens next, else he’ll get bored and scared and hole himself up in the lab. 

He’s very driven and can become really hyper fixated on something he’s working on/any goal he’s working towards which often intimidates people, if they can’t keep up he’s likely to just leave them behind. And sometimes even justifies it by thinking its their fault they can’t follow, he can be very snobby. (i definitely think thats why he surrounds himself with people who share his intensity) He’s not necessarily confrontational but I think he enjoys the challenge of people picking a fight with him, like a debate.

Though as he gets older he becomes a lot more confident and calmer (and of course he has to for the diplomatic side of being a CEO and a parent) and he’s probably able to deal with everything much better and compartmentalise his work vs personal life and separate his identity from his projects. Partially due to his lingering abandonment fears, he’s very loyal to a select number of people. And when he makes the effort (which he sometimes forgets to), boy can he read people and emotionally empathise with them very closely. Slowly, he starts to learn how not to push things towards an indeterminate future and just hang out in the moment. 

Franny: 

Franny craves attention but it has to be in a very specific way: she goes out of her way to stand out and be The Weird Kid. If someone ever called her normal she would die. Be a musician? Be a scientist? Ew no. And anything that doesnt fit her carefully curated personality she’ll hide like a dirty secret. She pretends she doesn't care about people’s opinions, that she’s above it all, if someone doesn’t like her, it must be because her strong sense of individuality intimidates people and not because she actively pushes them away because she’s afraid of intimacy. She’s independent that way, or stubborn depending on the day. 

She’s very ambitious and very competitive. And if she decides that someone’s either boring or feels like hey don’t appreciate her enough, she cuts them off. Despite her warmth and friendliness, even to strangers, she can have a mean, no-nonsense personality and punish you for expectations she won’t admit she has. I doubt it’s very fun to be grounded by her.  

Of course, to the people she loves, she goes all out and remembers every single little detail about them so she can make perfectly tailored, personalised gifts or outings on their birthdays. She’s very good at remembering people’s  dislikes and their flaws and depending on the situation, will either do her best to avoid them or deliberately push their buttons to get back at them. She’s also very intuitive about people’s emotions, but she’s not always very open about all that insight, which she’ll keep to herself for safekeeping. 

Franny is a sort of in-between for cornelius and wilbur, she doesnt care about performance at least not ultimately and she doesnt concern herself with what people think of her or wether they’ll leave her, she’s constantly living in the future and thinking about the big picture. She doesnt plan either because she knows that after the plan, life goes on. She just wants life to be fun and interesting and while she loves analysing it and taking it apart, it’s  all a game to her, she just wants to laze around, eat chocolate and maybe travel to the world’s highest mountain and do something really impulsive . 

Wilbur:

I once considered climbing into the Discourse Ring and getting into a debate w someone over wether or not Wilbur’s a Slytherin but i thought better of it because we’re all going to die and Hogwarts houses are worse than the MBTI types and who cares it’s just fun. But for the record: i don’t think he is and the reason is simple; it’s because he’s not ambitious. He's too afraid to be. 

He's extremely intelligent, very witty and fairly adaptable to complete disaster. Everything for him is about performance, he’s a perfectionist and he goes out of his way to try everything: sports, checkers, math, sculpture, acting, knitting, gif-making. All the time and he has to be the best at everything he does but when he finds that there’s something he can’t do, he’ll dismiss it like nothing really matters in the grand scheme of it all. He doesn’t wanna say anything about it lest he confront his family’s gung-ho opinion on failure. And the thing is: the Robinson’s celebration of failure predicates an expectation of trying, of constantly working and you know what? He doesn’t want to try.  He’s too scared to go after anything and he’s certainly weighed down by all the unspoken pressure of having a famous family of prodigies. 

Sometimes he wishes there were rules he could follow so he could be the best at life but that doesn't really work with his family’s complete lack of boundaries. I think there’s a part of Wilbur that will never truly grow up and not just because he’s spoilt or that he’ll always be freakishly close with his parents but also because he’s still waiting around for people to tell him what to do. I have a very specific image of him as an adult doing weird shit to compensate for how immature he feels. Like, he’ll make his house all black, no colour, he wears a tux and slicks his hair back with GOBS of hairgel, he has a fancy car he never uses but likes to show off because look how clean it is! Of course, even though he thrives on rules and fulfilling expectations, he’s still very selective on what rules he’ll follow because again: if he thinks it’s dumb or if it’ll negatively impact his rep, he’s not touching it with a ten-foot pole. 

He’s very easily bored and gets distracted all the time (also hd him as having ADDD or ADHD). He’s deliberately getting himself into trouble and pushing people’s buttons as a way to act out. But again he’s very charming and very observant. He likes to play dumb but he’s secretly paying attention to everything about everyone and he knows exactly what will tick them off and what won’t. And given the right circumstances he can be a genuinely caring and empathetic person. 

[iheartadverbs]

Confessions

I keep three reusable water bottles in my room at any given time. One is by the bed. One is by the chair. The third is in the Union Jack burlap bag that I bring with me to school each day. I like keeping hydrated.

I make to-do lists every weekend so that I don’t finish the weekend and feel depressed that I didn’t do anything. I put things on the list like “Drink two cups of coffee on Saturday morning,” “Sit in the sun,” and “Rest,” as well as other more productive things like, “Reading for 679” and “Start research project on Courage to Teach Program” and I use this as a guide for how to spend my time so that I don’t spend all of it looking at boring updates on my Facebook or scrolling endlessly on other people’s Instagrams. I still do that, also, but when I have checked off all the other things on the list, I do feel accomplished and satisfied that probably I had a good weekend. Sometimes I wouldn’t know otherwise.

I recently became obsessed with the EUSA album by Yann Tiersen. I listen to it in the morning before work, sometimes, when I am sitting in my classroom with my cart pushed to the westside window that overlooks Black Mountain. I listen to it after my podcast is over on the drive to work, and while the sky is still soft pastel colors, like the album cover, and I’m in love with the way the piano melodies intersect with bird song and it makes me have strange feelings that everything in my life is somehow disconnected from my life, like becoming “the watcher” and seeing everything renewed. On Tuesday the day was particularly soft and glow-y, and I imagined all sorts of illustrated moments of glory from my life, like dizzy races at eleven at night with the blackness of the ocean and the blackness of the sky. Falling over in laughter.

I’ve recently come to reminiscence on all the beautiful places I’ve been, and the things my eyes have drunk, and it sometimes makes me feel very large and fortunate to have memories like flying atop cloud forests and monkey spotting in rainforest rains and watch chimpanzees eat their breakfast in the canopies of fig trees. It is overwhelming. I know that there are many more beautiful places to see, that I have barely scratched the surface, but sometimes I remember it all in such detail and it feels like it rises to the surface of my soul and I feel flooded. Yann Tiersen also makes me feel like this.

I have been doing an art project every Sunday since the new year, where I recount my life in artifacts. The first Sunday of the year, I just felt so far outside of myself. I sat on the floor next to Timmy’s cage. He’d just come home from surgery. Everything felt foreign, and I just wanted to take inventory of the things that were actually present, rather than detail endlessly my feelings about things. I guess it was just a way to feel grounded, by making a list of what was actual. The following Sunday, I turned it into an artifacts collection with little doodles of things that I’d touched and interacted with during the week, as well as quotations from books I’d read or podcasts I’d heard. I usually paint a scene I saw from one of my morning explorations in north county. I don’t usually feel like doing this, but I do it anyway, and am glad that I did. Today I especially didn’t want to do my artwork, but it was on the to-do list and so I went to 7-11 and got an Angry Orchard’s hard cider (”Green Apple” flavored), and took all my things outside, and painted while the sun set, and listened to EUSA, and wrote out two quotations from Women Who Run With Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, which is a book that makes me feel deeply uncomfortable most of the time, because I do genuinely feel like I’ve been shushing the wild woman inside of me, and I’m not entirely sure what she would have me do, or if I’m ready to listen to her, actually.

This has been one of the hardest seasons of my life, and I don’t talk to most people about it even a little bit of the time, but everything feels negative and hopeless, and yesterday I just cried and felt horrible about everything and wrote terrible, self-depreacting things in my Pensieve, and then when my parents came home with pizza, I put on eyeliner so maybe they couldn’t tell that I was crying, even though it was already late and putting on eyeliner was a very silly thing to do. I find it really difficult to count on anyone else to be supportive to me when things get really bad. And they’re pretty bad, in a lot of ways.

I’m not so good with in-betweens, but I am learning.

I love my dog more than most other creatures, and I am glad that he’s practically recovered from his back surgery, and I should be better at doing PT with him and keeping him from jumping or going up and down the stairs, but as Gem said, I could be worse.

I have a cupboard full of snacks like chocolate and popcorn and biscuits, and I never have any trouble eating these in moderation. Sometimes my snacks get stale because I eat them so infrequently, but I am glad that they are always there.

I go to bed at 9 o’clock every night, or at least I try to.

That is my cue to end this, and hop into bed, and maybe dream myself into answers to everything that plagues me during the day.

[dumbest-of-cunts]

Will things ever be fergalicious again

[dumbest-of-cunts]

I can’t agree with this leftist agenda anymore

[dumbest-of-cunts]

Not me having a complete orgasm about a 48-year-old’s knees 😩💦

[dumbest-of-cunts]

Who said white people don’t have any culture?!

You’re looking pretty foolish now! HUH!