#selina got one thing right stick to your annoying silly theme only if you get caught

[batboopp]

one of my favorite things about selina is the fact that she’s one of the most successful ‘criminals’ in gotham for one very, very important reason-when she commits a crime, she does not leave little bullshit clues or threatens kids or whatever other thing gotham criminals usually do. she gets in there, does what she needs, kicks ass very efficiently if she has too, and she gets the fuck out of there. I think most importantly to mention though is that when she steals, she goes out of her way to donate to charities-predominantly charities helping poc women or just women in general. it makes me think that most DC writers refer to her as a thief rather than a criminal or villain; to be a true gotham criminal, you need to not care about people outside of your mission at all. selina, even though she is far from perfect, loves and cares for others. a tiny part of herself hates her for that. but an even bigger part of her loves how she’ll claw the face off of some asshole that threatened a little girl on one of her crime sprees.

[gothamite-rambler]

Catwoman walked down the alleyway, humming to herself as a gym bag was slung over her shoulder. She was tempted to be caught, yet also eager to slip away. Why did he have to be so alluring to her? She wondered about this ever since meeting him. She silently scolded herself for being attracted to a man in a batsuit, but it wouldn’t be the weirdest relationship she’d had.

Catwoman: I only stole a statue from a museum, every artifact there is stolen I'm just rese—

Robin!Dick (jumping from a hiding spot): Hi!

Startled, Catwoman took a step back, then sighed with a soft laugh when she saw it was Robin.

Catwoman: You startled me. I thought you were the Joker.

Robin!Dick (10 years old): I am a threat to be feared, but not that scary. Hi, Catwoman.

Catwoman: Hello again, little Robin. Are you still fighting crime with Batman?

Robin!Dick: Yeah! We’ve been on so many missions, fought evil aliens and everything.

Catwoman: That’s good. And he’s not hurting you, is he?

Robin!Dick (shaking his head): Nope. He’s always had a jerk attitude, but overall, he’s a good teammate.

Catwoman (sweet tone): Alright. Remember, if he’s hurting you in any way, find me. I’ll cut off his… leg for you.

Robin!Dick: That’s morbid, but I respect it. You’re crazy, but nice. My mama was nice too… I miss her.

Catwoman (hugging Robin): Aww, you poor thing. I bet she’d be proud of her little one.

Robin!Dick: Mm-hm, especially because I led Batman right to you.

Catwoman sighed, accepting that this was just how things would go. Once she pulled away from the young sidekick, she turned around, and froze when she saw Batman standing behind her. His towering height, usually intimidating, was just a faint shadow tonight, and she couldn’t help but give him a playful boop on the nose.

Catwoman: You used your sidekick as a trap? Clever, but it made me more suspicious of you.

Batman: You give me headaches.

Catwoman: That’s not the only head I can give you.

Robin!Dick: What?

Batman (blushing): She means flipping a coin. Catwoman, you’re under arrest, and I’m not abusing my son!

Robin!Dick: Aww, Papa, you couldn’t if you wanted to. I’d squeal to CPS super quick.

Batman: Robin, be quiet, or you’re grounded.

Catwoman: You don’t ground this angel. He’s smart and adorable. And I brought him cookies.

She reached into her gym bag and handed Robin a box of Girl Scout cookies. Robin took them with an eager grin.

Robin!Dick: Peanut butter sandwich cookies… my second favorite! This is the best night ever!

Catwoman: I had to pay for them, too. Those Girl Scouts don’t mess around. Even you can't handle them, Batman.

Batman was too busy covering his face to respond. Catwoman pretended to sneak away, but the Dark Knight anticipated her move, yanking her back by her sewn-on tail.

Catwoman: Any other man pulling my tail usually won't walk away unscathed, but for you, I’ll let it slide.

Batman: I don’t like you like that… Get your mind out of the gutter.

Robin!Dick (munching on cookies): Didn’t you call her a “stunning vixen of the night” when talking to—

Batman: Grounded! Grounded! Catwoman, under arrest, and you’re grounded too.

Catwoman giggled, playfully swiping her claws in the air, while Robin laughed at his embarrassed father.

[gothamite-rambler]

Bruce telling Selina who Nightwing is after he revealed he was Batman

Many, many years ago…

Catwoman was working with a new hero in Blüdhaven named Nightwing. He had a handsome face, easy on the eyes, and knew Batman well. Seizing the moment, she decided to flirt with the new hero, unaware that he was the first Robin.

Catwoman (laying on a seductive voice): I let Batman have his time with me, but since he’s not here… how about you and I—

Nightwing (nervously backing away): I am not interested! I have no interest in dating anyone, especially not you!

Catwoman (leaning forward): Dating is pushing it. I was thinking—

Nightwing (shouting the first part): I’M A GOOD CHURCH BOY! I reject your wooing! My vow of celibacy is strong, and we’ve got to stop a bank robbery, or the mob, or whatever it is. After that we go our separate ways platonically!

Nightwing speed-walked away, then quickly spun around, walking backward.

Nightwing: Don’t look at my ass! I am not in the mood to be seen as a bakery and nothing else! I will hit you if you don't quit with your unwanted advances.

Catwoman (holding her hands up): Okay, okay, geez. You’re a sexy prude and since you're uncomfortable... I guess I can put a pause on my feminine charm until you’re ready.

Nightwing: Yep, yep, yep. Never happening. Walk in front of me.

Catwoman giggled, holding her tail as she walked forward. Nightwing silently dry-heaved, recalling the days when this woman used to give him hugs and girl scout cookies.

Nightwing (thinking): I gotta tell Bruce… when I feel like talking to him. She has no idea, and I don’t like that. I miss being treated like a kid, at least here. Adding this to the WTF moments of being a hero. Curse this body I was gifted!

... Present day ...

Bruce: Alright, you saw everything. What do you think?

Selina: The cave is nicer than I expected, being a cave and all. Why the dinosaur statue?

Bruce: I like dinosaurs and always wanted a statue. Got that from a heist. It’s pretty cool, isn’t it?

Bruce looked at the dinosaur statue with a genuinely happy smile, reminiscent of his younger years. Selina found herself thinking it was adorable, Bruce was always cute, even in his quirkiest moments.

Selina: Aww, that’s such a sweet and innocent answer. I wasn't expecting that.

She kissed Bruce on the cheek, making him smile.

Selina: And don’t worry, I’m not going to betray you or tell everyone who you are. I know you were worried about that, but my love and trust for you is surprisingly strong.

Bruce: I was honestly fearful of that happening. Especially because… Talia might’ve said you’d be vindictive enough to do such a thing.

Selina (suspicious): She said it differently, didn’t she?

Bruce: What she said I'd rather not repeat.

Alfred (saying it for him): She said “that feline whore would be the first to betray you because she has no moral compass.” She’s wrong, and upset that he chose you over her.

Selina: I figured as much. Her jealousy is kind of funny, considering it doesn’t bother me anymore. I’m usually civil with her and no offense, she’s just as prickly as a cactus.

Bruce (sincere smile): Did I look like I was about to be offended?

Selina laughed, easing the tension in the room, though Bruce was clearly anxious about the next secret he was about to share.

Selina: My point is, Brucie, I’ve been working on my more toxic traits over the years… but I’d never hurt you that way. And you told me this five years ago, I’m still here.

Bruce: That’s true.

Selina: And if I ever did stab you in the back, you’ve got enough info on me to do the same.

Bruce: I won’t do that. I… I love you too much. Even though I disagree with some of your ideas on handling crime, I want to see where this goes.

Selina: Hm, a few years ago I never thought I'd be with you and we'd be working together as a couple, crazy how time has flown by. We haven't aged poorly at all. Score!

Selina giggled, playfully placing a hand on Bruce’s chest. Bruce sighed, chuckling. Alfred stayed six feet away watching the two like it was one of his soap operas.

Bruce: This is going well so far. Which makes the next thing I’m about to tell you pretty stressful. You’ve always been flirtatious in your days as a villain.

Selina: My coquettish behavior is how I like to act, especially with attractive people. I’ve toned it down since then. You'll get the full package though.

Bruce (tense): Uh-huh. Selina, sit down.

Selina took a seat in the Batcomputer chair, crossing her legs and ready for whatever news Bruce had for her . With the Batcave out of the way all that was left were some clarifications on her main morals.

Alfred hummed as he walked past, pretending to dust random objects. Bruce shot him a glance, hoping he’d leave. Alfred shook his head and stayed, clearly intent on witnessing the scene.

Bruce: Alright, I guess Alfred is staying. Um… Kitty, no... nicknames don't work. This feels awkward enough as it is. Selina, your reaction to what I’m about to tell you will really determine whether you stay with me. Okay?

Selina: Whatever you have to say, I won’t freak out. Honestly, you’ve already shared some pretty outlandish stuff. I’m just excited to learn more. Relax, pookie, I can handle it.

Bruce nodded, then got up to retrieve a folding chair, returning and taking a seat in front of her. He found some humor in the fact that Selina had flirted with his son, unaware of who he truly was, and while he didn’t hold any ill will toward her or either of them, he didn’t want her to defend her actions or something worse.

Bruce: Okay. You know Tim is Robin, Barbara was Batgirl and is now Oracle, and you met Jason, who’s still Red Hood, or whatever. You got the basics.

He paused, staring at the rocky cave ceiling.

Bruce: Now, on to my first Robin. He was my oldest son, Dick. He created the entire identity. We got in an argument when he was in his junior year of high school and eventually I fired him. Some time later, he went on to become Nightwing.

Selina: (delayed shock, leaning forward with a confused smile) …What?

Bruce: He’s Nightwing. He created that hero persona himself. Got the name from Superman, ridiculous source, in my opinion, but I grew to like it. He designed both suits, the one with the deep V-neck and—

Selina (slowly realizing): A black and blue striped unitard.

Bruce: Yep. Robin first, then Nightwing. I’ve been keeping that secret for weeks. Dick told me to hold off on telling you. We agreed that this moment needed to be built up, and now that you’ve seen the cave, I thought I’d weave that into the conversation.

Alfred: After I told you to.

Bruce: You gave me a little nudge.

Alfred (sassy): A little?

Bruce and Alfred exchanged a glance, debating whether Bruce or Alfred was the one eager to reveal Nightwing’s true identity. Selina remained silent, blinking quietly, her expression neutral.

Selina: Sorry, can you repeat some of that? I could’ve sworn you said the first Robin, the little boy in the colorful leotard, you’re saying he is Nightwing? That just can’t be… he was like a teenager when I last saw him in the Robin get up.

Bruce: You didn’t say anything wrong. Nightwing started as my first Robin, then when he stopped being Robin after I fired him he became Nightwing. The Discowing was a sight for sore eyes when I first saw it, but very memorable. Right?

Selina: Mm-hm.

Bruce: Do you remember hugging him the first time you met? He was so happy that day, even when I arrested you.

She nodded, biting her lip to hold back her emotions.

Alfred: Dick wasn’t of legal drinking age or an adult when he moved to Blüdhaven and became Nightwing, protecting that area, right, Master Bruce?

Bruce: Yeah, he was college age, just graduated high school. I was in my twenties when I adopted him. Selina, you were around my age then.

Selina swallowed nervously.

Selina: Sorry to focus on this, but the kid I met in the kitchen earlier, he was your Robin from age eight to seventeen?

Bruce: Yep. He graduated early. He’s a smart kid.

Selina: And he became Nightwing around that time… I was done with high school nearly a decade ago, while he was… um, little... he was raised in the circus?

Bruce: Yep. May his parents rest in peace.

Her dread at being reminded of his orphan status made her face pale. She bit her bottom lip, processing this new information. This reaction seemed to ease Bruce’s nerves, he knew he had to be there for her, but honestly, it was almost funny. Alfred walked over with a teacup, passing it to Selina.

Alfred (giving a head up): It’s vodka.

Selina: Thanks.

She took a long sip, then looked at Bruce and Alfred, who exchanged a knowing smile. This made her down the entire cup then shook her head.

Bruce (calm and relaxed): He was going through a breakup and grief over losing Jason during those middle years of being Nightwing. He hated being treated like eye candy. I sided with him when random women treated him like a sex object, because I've always seen how he’s a skilled fighter and a smart guy. Just thought you should know that.

Selina nodded, lowering her cup. She related, she’d been dismissed for her skills, her looks, her reputation as Gotham’s top villain and anti-hero. She’d felt the need to prove herself, and while she’d found a good middle ground, she realized men went through similar struggles, especially someone like Nightwing.

This new understanding made her feel more guilt.

Bruce (leaning forward): You still with us Selina?

Selina hesitated, recalling the days she flirted with Nightwing, thinking he was just a guy working with Batman, unaware of his true identity. It was fun, confident behavior, but not when the person was a teenager. She’d only wanted to make Batman jealous.

Selina: I have to ask... did he ever have a substitute?

Bruce and Alfred: No.

Selina: That’s… that’s amazing. Such a hard worker! So he’s been Nightwing since he was a teenager? Wow. While I was drinking gin and tonic, evading the law, and playing my coquettish Catwoman routine, he… holy kitty litter. He just graduated high school.

She pressed her forehead, eyes darting, voice trembling.

Selina (whispering, spiraling): That’s why he was so nervous when— Oh that’s why he hid in the kitchen. I gave him graham crackers when he was ten, and now I’ve propositioned him for sex. I’m going to hell.

Selina gulped feeling bile rise in her throat.

Bruce: What's wrong?

Selina (nervous): Nothing! Um… Bruce, I might’ve met Nightwing before I knew who he really was. I knew you two knew each other, but I didn’t realize he was your son, the cute little Robin you adopted after his parents died.

Bruce: Yes, and?

Selina: I was mad at you. I thought flirting with Nightwing, who I believed was an adult- which in retrospect wouldn't excuse how I acted. Anyways I was being petty and flirted with him.

Selina scratched her head laughing nervously.

Selina (fanning her face): Whew, is it warm in here?

Alfred: You want to tell her?

Bruce: Alfred, she’s got something important to say first. Selina, whatever it was, you can tell me.

Selina: You won’t be mad?

Bruce: Depends on where you’re going with this.

Selina: Yeah, fair. I had no idea he was the first Robin, how old he was, or that... sweet Jesus— I sound like one of those creeps from To Catch a Predator!

Bruce: No, no. They’re lying on those shows while being fully aware they're committing a crime. You were unaware he was my teenage son. While I'm not happy you used him for that, your reaction now is reassuring. Did you do anything with him?

Selina: Kind of... Well no, but hear me out... I never kissed him or did anything sexual, thankfully. He turned me down every time, and after a while, I just thought he was a prude. We didn’t talk again after he shooed me away.

Bruce: He said he was still bound by his vow of celibacy?

Selina: Yes. Oh God, I propositioned my boyfriend’s son for sex.

She covered her mouth, nearly vomiting, her face flushing with embarrassment. Bruce crossed his arms hiding his enjoyment, while Alfred chuckled.

Selina: He had to be eighteen or nineteen when I last talked to him! I thought he was in his early twenties, mid at worst.

Bruce: Nope. Nineteen. He watched a lot of SpongeBob back then, too.

Selina: SpongeBob? That’s adorable. I get it too, that's a pretty funny show.

Bruce: Well—

Alfred: Bruce, just let it go.

Bruce: I don’t get the hype, and I’ll say my opinion every time.

Alfred rolled his eyes. Selina, meanwhile, lowered her hands, face burning with shame.

Selina: Something in my mind told me to back off, but I went with my feelings instead.

Alfred: He would squirm talking about it too. So bloody funny.

Bruce: Alfred, do you have to be here?

Alfred: I love this kind of drama. You know I do.

Bruce: Unfortunately. Selina, relax. Dick already told me everything.

Selina: I need to apologize to D— Richard— wait, he told you?

Bruce: Yeah. About a year after we made amends. He wanted to know if I’d ever had sex with Barbara. I almost lost my lunch when he asked. We have that in common, Selina.

Selina (placing a hand on her head): You flirted with your friends daughter?

Bruce: God no. Jim said he'd shoot me in the crotch if I ever did too. I respect it.

Selina: Same and that means we’re not completely close. I want to vomit. When he was Robin, he made me so happy, the little boy who wore that Robin suit you adopted when his parents died. I wanted a son, because he was so sweet. I can't believe I didn’t connect the dots…

Bruce (leaning forward, whispering): I made a similar mistake with who someone really was outside of the mask. It never crossed my mind to woo Barbara, since she became like family. I focused on Batman. But I nearly fell off a roof when I found out she was the daughter of Commissioner Gordon.

Alfred: That was the second time you nearly fell off a roof while with a Gordon. That’s always good for a laugh.

Bruce: Yeah, what Alfred said. The mind blocks out a lot. I was surprised you hadn’t guessed who the others were after I unmasked myself. But I also worried, what if she’d defend that she asked my teenage son for to go back to her apartment and have sex? I'd snap and call you every name in the book cause I don't agree with people who do that fully aware.

Selina (covering her eyes again): Aww, that’s so fatherly. This might be the worst thing I’ve ever done. I'm so sorry.

Bruce: You're forgiven and all that, but it's not the robberies, or working with villains, or that time you—

Selina: That was just me living on the edge. I’ve become a better person. You made bad choices too, being reckless, your rainbow-colored suit, the time you tripped on your cape, or when you stabbed Joker in the hand.

Alfred: She’s got you there.

Bruce chuckled in agreement.

Selina: Bruce, I’m sorry. Besides not knowing it was who he was, how I acted with him to get back you was wr- wr- damn this is difficult. I was... in the wrong. I want this to work, not be that petty. Pettiness is fun, but not this.

Alfred: She’s really changing.

Bruce: Alfred, go pretend to dust the weapons or something.

Alfred shrugged, humming as he walked off. Bruce sighed, lowering his girlfriend's hands from her face then placed a hand on her knee.

Bruce: I’m guilty of wanting to make you jealous, too. You came onto my son, but you’re not defending your actions, and I married Talia. We made mistakes, but no laws were broken. You don’t have to apologize to me. Honestly, I find this pretty funny.

Selina (pouting): Glad you’re amused, I feel like vomiting.

Bruce: That’s why it’s funny. I love ironic humor, even if I can’t laugh right now, my ribs are still healing. Come on, that’s funny.

Selina let out a soft laugh, her tension easing as she continued to chuckle, head bowed, hand on her forehead.

Bruce: The world hasn’t exploded. I’m not cutting ties. Everything’s fine. But I’m not the one you should be apologizing to. He’s upstairs, probably in the kitchen or his old bedroom.

Selina: What if I avoid him forever? Never bring this up? Or get someone to wipe our memories?

Bruce: Avoiding him would be difficult. We made amends, and I want to keep that relationship good. Ignoring it would only cause unnecessary tension and awkwardness, and erasing that every awkward moment from your mind would only lead to that third act in the Jim Carrey movie.

Selina: You know all this, but you struggle to do the middle option thing?

Bruce: I’ve been aware of the irony since the ‘90s. I know what I’m talking about. It’s a weight off your shoulders to do the right thing, talk to him. Dick isn’t going to be hostile, and he won’t run away. I think he wants to settle this, but a lot of things happened that got in the way. Take him to an arcade or something.

Selina (joking): What about Chuck E. Cheese?

Bruce: You’re joking, but he does like the pizza there. You might be onto something.

Selina (playfully shoving her boyfriend): You’re being so unserious about all this. But honestly, it’s helping.

She then stood up, sighing.

Bruce: Want me to come with you?

Selina: Not yet. Just wish me luck, and don’t send Alfred follow me. I can tell he’s messy and loves secondhand embarrassment.

Bruce: You’re not wrong. He watches a lot of trash reality TV. Good luck.

Selina took the long walk up the stairs in the Batcave to the main part of the manor, burdened with a necessary but awkward task.

Pt 1

To be continued... currently deciding if Chuck E Cheese is the best place for this since the pizza was lowkey good, but I don't want to infantilize a grown man, but like... if I was Selina I'd be spiraling too lol.

[gothamite-rambler]

I adore this post

one of my favorite things about selina is the fact that she’s one of the most successful ‘criminals’ in gotham for one very, very important reason-when she commits a crime, she does not leave little bullshit clues or threatens kids or whatever other thing gotham criminals usually do. she gets in there, does what she needs, kicks ass very efficiently if she has too, and she gets the fuck out of there. I think most importantly to mention though is that when she steals, she goes out of her way to donate to charities-predominantly charities helping poc women or just women in general. it makes me think that most DC writers refer to her as a thief rather than a criminal or villain; to be a true gotham criminal, you need to not care about people outside of your mission at all. selina, even though she is far from perfect, loves and cares for others. a tiny part of herself hates her for that. but an even bigger part of her loves how she’ll claw the face off of some asshole that threatened a little girl on one of her crime sprees.