#sex scene rating only applies to scenes he's in and not the whole movie

[agxntkeen]

so i just wanted to tell you that i'm in love with both james spader and your blog ;) i just finished binge-watching the blacklist and now i'm addicted and i want to watch his movies but i have no idea where to start... any chance you could help me out? cheers ;)

thank you kind anon! 💙 James is very easy to fall in love with so of course I understand you, and my blog is pretty much filled with him so yeah

I haven’t watched all of his movies yet tbh but I’ll give you a rating for the ones I watched so I can make it easier for you to decide. or confuse you more idk. anyway here you go

James Spader movie guide 

essential

secretary (2002)character summary: lawyer, kinky but very loving and caring, obsessed with red sharpiesplot: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️gorgeousness: 👌👌👌👌sex scenes: 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥 👀

excellent

2 days in the valley (1996)character summary: cool assassin 😎, v. jealous, does kissy noises, an assholeplot: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️gorgeousness: 👌👌👌👌👌sex scenes: 🔥🔥🔥🔥 there was only one but holy shit 

dream lover (1993)character summary: architect, a sweetheart, hot af, 10/10 would marry and protect with my lifeplot: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️gorgeousness: 👌👌👌👌sex scenes: 🔥🔥🔥🔥+

bad influence (1990)character summary: actual cinnamon roll who trusts too easily, nerdy, softe, would protect with my life, a cute™plot: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️gorgeousness: 👌👌👌👌sex scenes: 🔥🔥🔥 there was only one unfortunately

wolf (1994)character summary: ambitious and fake af, yet still cute?, but also an asshole, n.b. you might end up with a werewolf kinkplot: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️gorgeousness: 👌👌👌👌👌 that hair? damnsex scenes: 🔥🔥 there is no sex and yet…

sex, lies & videotape (1989)character summary: precious bby, kinky, would hold for 1000 years, would also protect with my life, a cute™plot: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️gorgeousness: 👌👌👌👌👌sex scenes: 🔥🔥🔥 lots of sex talk but no actual sex unfortunately

avengers: age of ultron (2015)character summary: robot, literally wants to destroy the entire human race, and yet… still funny and cute? outrageousplot: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️gorgeousness: 👌👌👌+ look I’m just as perplexed as you aresex scenes: he’s a robot what were you expecting…

great

pretty in pink (1986)character summary: spoiled rich brat, so yep you guessed it: an asshole, well dressed, the kind of guy you slap then make out withplot: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️gorgeousness: 👌👌👌👌👌sex scenes: none that we get to see 😞

tuff turf (1985)character summary: rebel bby, cinnamon roll, excellent singer/dancer/cyclist/cockroach killer, would protect with my life, bonus: he’s best buddies with RDJplot: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️gorgeousness: 👌👌👌👌sex scenes: 🔥🔥

jack’s back (1988)character summary: a doctor(!!), v. cute and sweet, wears hipster shirts and leather jackets, has glasses and earring, would protect with my lifeplot: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️+gorgeousness: 👌👌👌👌/👌👌👌+ (you’ll understand)sex scenes: none. but he’s shirtless

stargate (1994)character summary: archaeologist, has allergies, the prettiest boy in the whole damn universe, likes chocolate, would protect with my life, would also play with his hair for a million yearsplot: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️gorgeousness: 👌👌👌👌👌 that hair holy shit 😭😭😭sex scenes: none

white palace (1990)character summary: a baby, jewish, a sweetheart, does some v. good faces if you catch my drift 👀plot: ⭐️⭐️⭐️gorgeousness: 👌👌👌+sex scenes: 🔥🔥🔥🔥+

the new kids (1985)character summary: leader of the gang™, super blonde, has an accent, a fucking psycho and an asshole, hot afplot: ⭐️⭐️⭐️+ gorgeousness: 👌👌👌+++ (definitely not a 3, but also not a 4, you get my problem here?)sex scenes: 🔥🔥 there’s no actual sex and yet…

true colors (1991)character summary: lawyer, professional cutie, also good and pure, excellent skier, James Bond™plot: ⭐️⭐️⭐️+ gorgeousness: 👌👌👌👌sex scenes: 🔥

crash (1996)character summary: a cutie pie but he needs some serious therapy, but 10/10 would still love and protect himplot: ⭐️⭐️ this movie is weird af - proceed at your own risk (then why is it listed as great you ask? wellllll 👇👇👇)gorgeousness: 👌👌👌👌👌 grey sweater + brown leather jacket combo? wow. hair? double wow. orgasm faces? triple wowsex scenes: 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥 !!!

the stickup (2002)character summary: cop(!!!), listens to Buddy Guy, cute and soft, would protect with my life, (also: looks good in a clown mask if you’re into that stuff)plot: ⭐️⭐️⭐️gorgeousness: 👌👌👌👌👌sex scenes: 🔥🔥

okay

shadow of fear (2004)character summary: lawyer, nice shirts, will ruin your life, an assholeplot: ⭐️⭐️⭐️gorgeousness: 👌👌👌👌sex scenes: none 😞

the watcher (2000)character summary: fbi agent(!!!), v. sad and broken, would hold for 1000 years and protect with my lifeplot: ⭐️⭐️ gorgeousness: 👌👌👌👌+ (eyelashes!!!)sex scenes: none 😔  he doesn’t even get to kiss Keanu Reeves what a shame

storyville (1992)character summary: lawyer who’s running for office, super pretty, doesn’t understand that life is not a photoshoot™, 10/10 would vote for himplot: ⭐️⭐️+gorgeousness: 👌👌👌👌+sex scenes: 🔥🔥

alien hunter (2003)character summary: a professor(!!!), cute and fluffy, loved by aliens, 10/10 would cuddleplot: ⭐️⭐️⭐️ I love me some aliensgorgeousness: 👌👌👌👌sex scenes: not in the movie

supernova (2000)character summary: pilot and captain, space hero, swole™, hot af, nice buttplot: ⭐️⭐️⭐️gorgeousness: 👌👌👌👌sex scenes: 🔥🔥

keys to tulsa (1997)character summary: drug dealer, black hair, nice arms and -holy shit- nice thighs, kinda looks like a bad(but super hot) Elvis impersonator, has accent, an asshole but not like. a huge asshole? a small assholeplot: ⭐️⭐️gorgeousness: this is really unfair but 👌👌👌+ sex scenes: no. I mean unless you want to consider his legs as sex. which they are

the pentagon papers (2003)character summary: 60s boy, works at the pentagon, hot af, floof, would protect with my lifeplot: ⭐️⭐️+gorgeousness: 👌👌👌+sex scenes: 🔥

hmm

speaking of sex (2001)character summary: weird af, but also cute, needs to chill, clumsy driver, elevator kinkplot: ⭐️gorgeousness: 👌👌👌sex scenes: 🔥🔥🔥

less than zero (1987)character summary: drug dealer/pimp, gay!, but unfortunately, yet not surprisingly, a fucking assholeplot: ⭐️⭐️gorgeousness: 👌👌👌👌sex scenes: sadly none

lincoln (2012)character summary: republican, is always eating/smoking, likes spitting, the best dressed, the actual hero of the movieplot: ⭐️ (but tbf I don’t like period dramas so there’s that)gorgeousness: idk how but 👌👌👌+sex scenes: only in my dreams

driftwood (1997)character summary: a lost and confused sweetheart(or is he?), also a cutie(but is he?), hot af, would protect with my lifeplot: ⭐️gorgeousness: 👌👌👌👌sex scenes: 🔥🔥🔥🔥

i witness (2003)character summary: works for the state department? but looks like a cia agent, a hottie, nice biceps, fluffy hairplot: ⭐️⭐️gorgeousness: 👌👌👌sex scenes: 🔥🔥

only if you’re desperate

shorts (2009)character summary: ceo of tech company, practically owns the town, chaotic evil, hot afplot: youtried.jpggorgeousness: 👌👌👌👌👌 unfortunatelysex scenes: plenty but they were all in my head

mannequin (1987)character summary: an idiot and an asshole, professional butt-kisser, well-dressed but needs a new hairstyle. and maybe some new glassesplot: ⭐️gorgeousness: 👌👌 (if he loses that horrid hair gel he goes up to a solid 3.5 I gotta be honest)sex scenes: no

the rachel papers (1989)character summary: rich, wears scarves, v. pretty, not 100% certain but probably an asshole, only in the movie for a total of like 10 minutesplot: ⭐️+gorgeousness: 👌👌👌sex scenes: not really

family secrets (1984)character summary: at first you think he’s an asshole but then it turns out he’s not, excellent fashion sense, has a pick-up truckplot: ⭐️ tho honestly I only watched the parts with him so I really can’t saygorgeousness: 👌👌👌sex scenes: not really

[xoruffitup]

Annette: The AD Devotee Review

So I saw Annette on its premiere night in Cannes and I’m still trying to process and make sense of those 2.5 hours of utter insanity. I have no idea where to begin and this is likely going to become an unholy length by the time I’m finished, so I apologize in advance. But BOY I’ve got a lot to parse through!!

Let’s start here: Adam’s made plenty of weird movies. The Dead Don’t Die? The Man Who Killed Don Quixote? There are definitely Terry Gilliam-esque elements of the unapologetically absurd and fantastical in Annette, but NOTHING comes close to this film. To put it bluntly, nothing I write in this post can prepare you for the eccentric phantasmagoria you’re about to sit through.

While the melodies conveying the story – at times lovely and haunting, at times whimsical, occasionally blunt and simple – add a unique sense of the surreal, the fact that it’s all presented in song somehow supplies the medium for this bizarre concoction of disparate elements and outlandish storytelling to all coalesce into a single genre-defying, disbelief-suspending whole. That’s certainly not to say there weren’t a few times when I quietly chortled to myself and mouthed “what the fuck” from behind my mask when things took an exceeding turn to the outrageous. This movie needs to be permitted a bit of leeway in terms of quality judgments, and traditional indicators certainly won’t apply. I would say part of its appeal (and ultimately its success) stems from its lack of interest in appealing to traditional arbiters of film structure and viewing experience. The movie lingers in studies of discomfiture (I’ll return to this theme); it presents all its absurdities with brazen pride rather than temperance; and its end is abrupt and utterly jarring. Yet somehow, at the end of it, I realized I’d been white-knuckling that rollercoaster ride the whole way through and loved every last twist and turn.

A note on the structure of this post before I dive in: I’ve written out a synopsis of the whole film (for those spoiler-hungry people) and stashed it down at the bottom of this post, so no one trying to avoid spoilers has to scroll through. If you want to read, go ahead and skip down to that before reading the discussion/analysis. If I have to reference a specific plot point, I’ll label it “Spoiler #___” and those who don’t mind being spoiled can check the correlating numbers in my synopsis to see which part I’m referencing. Otherwise, my discussion will be spoiler-free! I do detail certain individual scenes, but hid anything that would give away key developments and/or the ending.

To start, I’ll cut to what I’m sure many of you are here for: THE MUSICAL SEX SCENES. You want detailed descriptions? Well let’s fucking go because these scenes have been living in my head rent-free!!

The first (yes, there are two. Idk whether to thank Mr. Carax or suggest he get his sanity checked??) happens towards the end of “We Love Each Other So Much.” Henry carries Ann to the bed with her feet dangling several inches off the floor while she has her arms wrapped around his shoulders. (I maybe whimpered a tiny bit.) As they continue to sing, you first see Ann spread on her back on the bed, panting a little BUT STILL SINGING while Henry’s head is down between her thighs. The camera angle is from above Ann’s head, so you can clearly see down her body and exactly what’s going on. He lifts his head to croon a line, then puts his mouth right back to work. 

And THEN they fuck – still fucking singing! They’re on their sides with Henry behind her, and yes there is visible thrusting. Yes, the thrusting definitely picks up speed and force as the song reaches its crescendo. Yes, it was indeed EXTREMELY sensual once you got over the initial shock of what you’re watching. Ann kept her breasts covered with her own hands while Henry went down on her, but now his hands are covering them and kneading while they’re fucking and just….. It’s a hard, blazing hot R rating. I also remember his giant hand coming up to turn her head so he can kiss her and ladkjfaskfjlskfj. Bring your smelling salts. I don’t recommend sitting between two older ladies while you’re watching – KINDA RUINED THE BLATANT, SMOKING HOT ADAM PORN FOR ME. Good god, choose your viewing buddy wisely!

The second scene comes sort of out of nowhere – I can’t actually recall which song it was during, but it pops up while Ann is pregnant. Henry is again eating her out and there’s not as much overt singing this time, but he has his giant hands splayed over her pregnant belly while he’s going to town and whew, WHEW TURN ON THE AIR CONDITIONING PLEASE. DID THE THEATER INCREASE IN TEMPERATURE BY 10 DEGREES, YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT IT DID.

Whew. I think you’ll be better primed to ~enjoy~ those scenes when you know they’re coming, otherwise it’s just so shocking that by the time you’ve processed “Look at Adam eating pussy with reckless abandon” it’s halfway over already. God speed, my fellow rats, it’s truly something to witness!!

Okay. Right. Ahem. Moving right on along….

I’ll kick off this discussion with the formal structure of the film. It’s honestly impossible to classify. I have the questionable fortune of having been taken to many a strange avant-garde operas and art exhibitions by my parents when I was younger, and the strongest parallel I found to this movie was melodramatic opera stagings full of flamboyant flourishes, austere set pieces, and prolonged numbers where the characters wallow at length in their respective miseries. This movie has all the elevated drama, spectacle, and self-aggrandizement belonging to any self-professed rock opera. Think psychedelic rock opera films a la The Who’s Tommy, Hair, Phantom of the Paradise, and hell, even Rocky Horror. Yes, this film really is THAT weird.

But Annette is also in large part a vibrant, absurdist performance piece. The film is intriguingly book-ended by two scenes where the lines blur between actor and character; and your own role blurs between passive viewer and interactive audience. The first scene has the cast walking through the streets of LA (I think?), singing “So May We Start?” directly to the camera in a self-aware prologue, smashing the fourth wall from the beginning and setting up the audience to play a direct role in the viewing experience. Though the cast then disburse and take up their respective roles, the sense of being directly performed to is reinforced throughout the film. This continues most concretely through Henry’s multiple stand-up comedy performances.

Though he performs to an audience in the film rather than directly to live viewers, these scenes are so lengthy, vulgar, and excessive that his solo performance act becomes an integral part of defining his character and conveying his arc as the film progresses. These scenes start to make the film itself feel like a one-man show. The whole shtick of Henry McHenry’s “Ape of God” show is its perverse irreverence and swaggering machismo. Over the span of what must be a five minute plus scene, Henry hacks up phlegm, pretends to choke himself with his microphone cord, prances across the stage with his bathrobe flapping about, simulates being shot, sprinkles many a misanthropic, charmless monologues in between, and ends by throwing off his robe and mooning the audience before he leaves the stage. (Yes, you see Adam’s ass within the film’s first twenty minutes, and we’re just warming up from there.) His one-man performances demonstrate his egocentrism, penchant for lowbrow and often offensive humor, and the fact that this character has thus far profited from indulging in and acting out his base vulgarities.

While never demonstrating any abundance of good taste, his shows teeter firmly towards the grotesque and unsanctionable as his marriage and mental health deteriorate. This is what I’m referring to when I described the film as a study in discomfiture. As he deteriorates, the later iterations of his stand-up show become utterly unsettling and at times revolting. The film could show mercy and stop at one to two minutes of his more deranged antics, but instead subjects you to a protracted display of just how insane this man might possibly be. In Adam’s hands, these excessive, indulgent performance scenes take on disturbing but intriguing ambiguity, as you again wonder where the performance ends and the real man begins. When Henry confesses to a crime during his show and launces into an elaborate, passionate reenactment on stage, you shift uncomfortably in your seat wondering how much of it might just be true. Wondering just how much of an animal this man truly is.

Watching this film as an Adam fan, these scenes are unparalleled displays of his range and prowess. He’s in turns amusing and revolting; intolerable and pathetic; but always, always riveting. I couldn’t help thinking to myself that for the casual, non Adam-obsessed viewer, the effect of these scenes might stop at crass and unappealing. But in terms of the sheer range and power of acting on display? These scenes are a damn marvel. Through these scenes alone, his performance largely imbues the film with its wild, primal, and vaguely menacing atmosphere.

His stand-up scenes were, to me, some of the most intense of the film – sometimes downright difficult to endure. But they’re only a microcosm of the R A N G E he exhibits throughout the film’s entirety. Let’s talk about how he’s animalistic, menacing, and genuinely unsettling to watch (Leos Carax described him as “feline” at some point, and I 100% see it); and then with a mere subtle twitch of his expression, sheen of his eyes, or slump of his shoulders, he’s suddenly a lost, broken thing.  

Henry McHenry is truly to be reviled. Twitter might as well spare their breath and announce he’s already cancelled. He towers above the rest of the cast with intimidating, predatory physicality; he is prone to indulgence in his vices; and he constantly seems at risk of releasing some wild, uncontrollable madness lingering just beneath his surface. But as we all well know, Adam has an unerring talent for lending pathos to even the most objectively condemnable characters.

In a repeated refrain during his first comedy show, the audience keeps asking him, “Why did you become a comedian?” He dodges the question or gives sarcastic answers, until finally circling back to the true answer later in the film. It was something to the effect of: “To disarm people. It’s the only way I can tell the truth without it killing me.” Even for all their sick spectacle, there are also moments in his stand-up shows of disarming vulnerability and (seeming) honesty. In a similar moment of personal exposition, he confesses his temptation and “sympathy for the abyss.” (This phrase is hands down my favorite of the film.) He repeatedly refers to his struggle against “the abyss” and, at the same time, his perceived helplessness against it. “There’s so little I can do, there’s so little I can do,” he sings repeatedly throughout the film - usually just after doing something horrific.

Had he been played by anyone else, the first full look of him warming up before his show - hopping in place and punching the air like some wannabe boxer, interspersing puffs of his cigarette with chowing down on a banana – would have been enough for me to swear him off. His archetype is something of a cliché at this point – a brusque, boorish man who can’t stomach or preserve the love of others due to his own self-loathing. There were multiple points when it was only Adam’s face beneath the character that kept my heart cracked open to him. But sure enough, he wedged his fingers into that tiny crack and pried it wide open. The film’s final few scenes show him at his chin-wobbling best as he crumbles apart in small, mournful subtleties.

(General, semi-spoiler ahead as to the tone of the film’s ending – skip this paragraph if you’d rather avoid.) For a film that professes not to take itself very seriously (how else am I supposed to interpret the freaky puppet baby?), it delivers a harsh, unforgiving ending to its main character. And sure enough, despite how much I might have wanted to distance myself and believe it was only what he deserved, I found myself right there with him, sharing his pain. It is solely testament to Adam’s tireless dedication to breathing both gritty realism and stubborn beauty into his characters that Henry sank a hook into some piece of my sympathy.

Not only does Adam have to be the only actor capable of imbuing Henry with humanity despite his manifold wrongs, he also has to be the only actor capable of the wide-ranging transformations demanded of the role. He starts the movie with long hair and his full refrigerator brick house physique. His physicality and size are actively leveraged to engender a sense of disquiet and unpredictability through his presence. He appears in turns tormented and tormentor. There were moments when I found myself thinking of Conan the Barbarian, simply because his physical presence radiates such wild, primal energy (especially next to tiny, dainty Marion and especially with that long hair). Cannot emphasize enough: The raw sex appeal is off the goddamn charts and had me – a veteran fangirl of 3+ years - shook to my damn core.

The film’s progression then ages him – his hair cut shorter and his face and physique gradually becoming more gaunt. By the film’s end, he has facial prosthetics to make him seem even more stark and borderline sickly – a mirror of his growing internal torment. From a muscular, swaggering powerhouse, he pales and shrinks to a shell of a man, unraveling as his face becomes nearly deformed by time and guilt. He is in turns beautiful and grotesque; sensual and repulsive. I know of no other actor whose face (and its accompanying capacity for expressiveness) could lend itself to such stunning versatility.

Quick note here that he was given a reddish-brown birthmark on the right side of his face for this film?? It becomes more prominent once his hair is shorter in the film’s second half. I’m guessing it was Leos’ idea to make his face even more distinctive and riveting? If so, joke’s on you, Mr. Carax, because we’re always riveted. ☺

I mentioned way up at the beginning that the film is bookended by two scenes where the lines blur between actor and character, and between reality and performance. This comes full circle at the film’s end, with Henry’s final spoken words (this doesn’t give any plot away but skip to the next paragraph if you would rather avoid!) being “Stop watching me.” That’s it. The show is over. He has told his last joke, played out his final act, and now he’s done living his life as a source of cheap, unprincipled laughs and thrills for spectators. The curtain closes with a resounding silence.

Now, I definitely won’t have a section where I talk (of course) about the Ben Solo parallels. He’s haunted by an “abyss” aka darkness inside of him? Bad things happened when he finally gave in and stared into that darkness he knew lived within him? As a result of those tragedies, (SPOILER – Skip to next paragraph to avoid) he then finds himself alone and with no one to love or be loved by? NO I’M DEFINITELY NOT GOING TO TALK ABOUT IT AT ALL, I’M JUST FINE HERE UNDER MY MOUNTAINS OF TISSUES.

Let’s talk about the music! The film definitely clocks in closer to a rock opera than musical, because almost the entire thing is conveyed through ongoing song, rather than self-contained musical numbers appearing here and there. This actually helps the film’s continuity and pacing, by keeping the characters perpetually in this suspended state of absurdity, always propelled along by some beat or melody. Whenever the film seems on the precipice of tipping all the way into the bleak and dark, the next whimsical tune kicks in to reel us all blessedly back. For example, after (SPOILER #1) happens, there’s a hard cut to the bright police station where several officers gather around Henry, bopping about and chattering on the beat “Questions! We have a few questions!”

Adam integrates his singing into his performance in such a way that it seems organic. I realized after the film that I never consciously considered the quality of his singing along the way. For all that I talked about the film maintaining the atmosphere of a fourth wall-defying performance piece, Adam’s singing is so fully immersed in the embodiment of his character that you almost forget he’s singing. Rather, this is simply how Henry McHenry exists. His stand-up scenes are the only ones in the film that do frequently transition back and forth between speaking and singing, but it’s seamlessly par for the course in Henry’s bizarre, dour show. He breaks into his standard “Now laugh!” number with uninterrupted sarcasm and contempt. There were certainly a few soft, poignant moments when his voice warbled in a tender vibrato you couldn’t help noticing – but otherwise, the singing was simply an extension of that full-body persona he manages to convey with such apparent ease and naturalism.

On the music itself: I’ll admit that the brief clip of “We Love Each Other So Much” we got a few weeks ago made me a tad nervous. It seemed so cheesy and ridiculous? But okay, you really can’t take anything from this movie out of context. Otherwise it is, indeed, utterly ridiculous. Not that none of it is ever ridiculous in context either, but I’m giving you assurances right now that it WORKS. Once you’re in the flow of constant singing and weirdness abound, the songs sweep you right along. Some of the songs lack a distinctive hook or melody and are moreso rhythmic vehicles for storytelling, but it’s now a day later and I still have three of the songs circulating pleasantly in my head. “We Love Each Other So Much” was actually the stand out for me and is now my favorite of the soundtrack. It’s reprised a few times later in the film, growing increasingly melancholy each time it is echoed, and it hits your heart a bit harder each time. The final song sung during (SPOILER #2), though without a distinctive melody to lodge in my head, undoubtedly left me far more moved than a spoken version of this scene would have. Adam’s singing is so painfully desperate and earnest here, and he takes the medium fully under his command.

Finally, it does have to be said that parts of this film veer fully towards the ridiculous and laughable. The initial baby version of the Annette puppet-doll was nothing short of horrifying to me. Annette gets more center-stage screen time in the film’s second half, which gives itself over to a few special effects sequences which look to be flying out at you straight from 2000 Windows Movie Maker. The scariest part is that it all seems intentional. The quality special effects appear when necessary (along with some unusual and captivating time lapse shots), which means the film’s most outrageous moments are fully in line with its guiding spirit. Its extravagant self-indulgence nearly borders on camp.

...And with that, I’ve covered the majority of the frantic notes I took for further reflection immediately after viewing. It’s now been a few days, and I’m looking forward to rewatching this movie when I can hopefully take it in a bit more fully. This time, I won’t just be struggling to keep up with the madness on screen. My concluding thoughts at this point: Is it my favorite Adam movie? Certainly not. Is it the most unforgettable? Aside from my holy text, The Last Jedi, likely yes. It really is the sort of thing you have to see twice to even believe it. And all in all, I say again that Adam truly carried this movie, and he fully inhabits even its highest, most ludicrous aspirations. He’s downright abhorrent in this film, and that’s exactly what makes him such a fucking legend.

I plan to make a separate post in the coming days about my experience at Cannes and the Annette red carpet, since a few people have asked! I can’t even express how damn good it feels to be globetrotting for Adam-related experiences again. <3

Thanks so much for reading! Feel free to ask me any further questions at all here or on Twitter! :)

*SYNOPSIS INCLUDED BELOW. DO NOT READ FURTHER IF AVOIDING SPOILERS!*

Synopsis: Comedian Henry McHenry and opera singer Ann Defrasnoux are both at the pinnacle of their respective success when they fall in love and marry. The marriage is happy and passionate for a time, leading to the birth of their (puppet) daughter, Annette. But tabloids and much of the world believe the crude, brutish Henry is a poor match for refined, idolized Ann. Ann and Henry themselves both begin to feel that something is amiss – Henry gradually losing his touch for his comedy craft, claiming that being in love is making him ill. He repeatedly and sardonically references how Ann’s opera career involves her “singing and dying” every night, to the point that he sees visions of her “dead” body on the stage. Meanwhile, Ann has a nightmare of multiple women accusing Henry of abusive and violent behavior towards them, and she begins growing wary in his presence. (He never acts abusively towards her, unless you count that scene when he tickles her feet and licks her toes while she’s telling him to stop??? Yeah I know, WILD.)

The growing sense of unease, that they’re both teetering on the brink of disaster, culminates in the most deranged of Henry’s stand-up comedy performances, when he gives a vivid reenactment of killing his wife by “tickling her to death.” The performance is so maudlin and unsettling that you wonder whether he’s not making it up at all, and the audience strongly rebukes him. (This is the “What is your problem?!” scene with tiddies out. The full version includes Adam storming across the stage, furiously singing/yelling, “What the FUCK is your problem?!”) But when Henry arrives home that night, drunk and raucous, Ann and Annette are both unharmed.

The couple take a trip on their boat, bringing Annette with them. The boat gets caught in a storm, and Henry drunkenly insists that he and Ann waltz in the storm. She protests that it’s too dangerous and begs him to see sense. (SPOILER #1) The boat lurches when Henry spins her, and Ann falls overboard to her death. Henry rescues Annette from the sinking boat and rows them both to shore. He promptly falls unconscious, and a ghost of Ann appears, proclaiming her intention to haunt Henry through Annette. Annette (still a toddler at this point and yes, still a wooden puppet) then develops a miraculous gift for singing, and Henry decides to take her on tour with performances around the world. He enlists the help of his “conductor friend,” who had been Ann’s accompanist and secretly had an affair with her before she met Henry.

Henry slides further into drunken debauchery as the tour progresses, while the Conductor looks after Annette and the two grow close. Once the tour concludes, the Conductor suggests to Henry that Annette might be his own daughter – revealing his prior affair with Ann. Terrified by the idea of anyone finding out and the possibility of losing his daughter, Henry drowns the Conductor in the pool behind his and Ann’s house. Annette sees the whole thing happen from her bedroom window.

Henry plans one last show for Annette, to be held in a massive stadium at the equivalent of the Super Bowl. But when Annette takes the stage, she refuses to sing. Instead, she speaks and accuses Henry of murder. (“Daddy kills people,” are the actual words – not that that was creepy to hear as this puppet’s first spoken words or anything.)

Henry stands trial, during which he sees an apparition of Ann from when they first met. They sing their regret that they can’t return to the happiness they once shared, until the apparition is replaced by Ann’s vengeful spirit, who promises to haunt Henry in prison. After his sentencing (it’s not clear what the sentence was, but Henry definitely isn’t going free), Annette is brought to see him once in prison. Speaking fully for the first time, she declares she can’t forgive her parents for using her: Henry for exploiting her voice for profit and Ann for presumably using her to take vengeance on Henry. (Yes, this is why she was an inanimate doll moving on strings up to this point – there was some meaning in that strange, strange artistic choice. She was the puppet of her parents’ respective egotisms.) The puppet of Annette is abruptly replaced by a real girl in this scene, finally enabling two-sided interaction and a long-missed genuine connection between her and Henry, which made this quite the emotional catharsis. (SPOILER #2) It concludes with Annette still unwilling to forgive or forget what her parents have done, and swearing never to sing again. She says Henry now has “no one to love.” He appeals, “Can’t I love you, Annette?” She replies, “No, not really.” Henry embraces her one last time before a guard takes her away and Henry is left alone.

…..Yes, that is the end. It left me with major emotional whiplash, after the whole film up to this point kept pulling itself back from the total bleak and dark by starting up a new toe-tapping, mildly silly tune every few minutes. But this last scene instead ends on a brutal note of harsh, unforgiving silence.

BUT! Make sure you stick around through the credits, when you see the cast walking through a forest together. (This is counterpart to the film’s opening, when you see the cast walking through LA singing “So May We Start?” directly to the audience) Definitely pay attention to catch Adam chasing/playing with the little girl actress who plays Annette! That imparts a much nicer feeling to leave the theater with. :’)

[buckybeardreams]

Unwanted

Chapters: 10/11

Fandom: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)

Rating: Mature

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Relationships: Steve Rogers/Tony Stark

Characters: Tony Stark, Steve Rogers, Sam Wilson (Marvel), Brock Rumlow, James "Bucky" Barnes, Clint Barton, Harley Keener

Additional Tags: Non-Traditional Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alpha/Omega, Alpha Steve Rogers, Omega Tony Stark, Service Top, Dominant Bottom, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Virgin Steve Rogers, Brock Rumlow is a Good Bro, Sam Wilson Is a Good Bro, Romantic Soulmates, First Meetings, Angst with a Happy Ending, Sappy, Romantic Fluff, Awkwardness, Drinking to Cope, Self-Worth Issues, Insecure Tony Stark, Insecure Steve Rogers, Age Difference, Harley Keener is Tony Stark's Biological Child, Bonding, Claiming Bites, Claiming, Mating Cycles/In Heat, Mpreg, Non-Explicit Sex, Light Dom/sub, Mutual Masturbation, Coming Untouched, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Wordcount: 10.000-30.000, Knotting

Series: Part 1 of Second Chances

Summary:

Steve is a soft Alpha and Tony is an in charge kind of Omega with no desire to find a mate. He doesn't want to find his soulmate and when he does meet Steve he's determined to stay away from him. 

That is until he realizes just how right they are for each other.

Ch 1 Ch 2 Ch 3 Ch 4 Ch 5 Ch 6 Ch 7 Ch 8 Ch 9 Ch 10 Ch 11

Can also be read here

Words: 1,583

Tony went to Brock's to tell him about winning the case against Obie and Pierce, and ended up making another less expected announcement. One that Brock followed up with good news of his own.

"Wait? You're pregnant?"

"Yeah, but don't tell anyone. We're not telling people yet," Brock told him.

"I'm sorry, what? If I hadn't just told you I was pregnant, would you not have told me?"

"Probably not."

"What the fuck, Brock? I'm your best friend!"

"Yeah, but you know I was an only child, Tony. Not from a lack of trying on my parents' part either. They went through three miscarriages before they finally used in vitro to have me. If this baby doesn't make it, I don't want to deal with a whole bunch of people pitying me while I'm grieving."

Tony reached over and pulled him in for a hug.

"Okay, I get it now, but can I at least tell Steve?"

"Honestly, it's inevitable. I went to the hair salon yesterday and my hairdresser told me that Jessica, some girl that lives in her apartment that I don't even know, was having an affair with her current lover's ex-lover, not to mention she's married with three kids. I spilled my guts the moment Sam got home. Keeping things from mates is practically impossible."

Tony bit his lip.

"I haven't told Steve."

"Of course you didn't. You just found out, Tony. You literally haven't even left the room and your phone is sitting on the coffee table. How would you have told him?"

Tony shook his head.

"No, not that. I mean that I'm pregnant."

Brock blinked at him for a minute before narrowing his eyes.

"Why?" He asked suspiciously.

Tony fidgeted nervously.

"I don't know how he's gonna take it," Tony admitted.

Brock rolled his eyes.

"Good God, you're pathetic," Brock groaned in exasperation. "Seriously? That boy lives to please you. He's gonna be thrilled that you're gonna need massages and foot rubs for the next nine months. Not to mention, now he's gonna have two people to order him around. He's gonna be so excited to spoil your little mini-me, Tony."

Tony glared at him halfheartedly.

"Yeah, I know, but I'm still anxious about it and I'm not entirely sure why. I know it's ridiculous and I know Steve's gonna be thrilled."

Brock eyed him for a moment.

"Yes, we've established that," Brock said, watching Tony carefully. "What about you? Are you excited about it?"

Tony bit his lip and looked over at Brock guiltily.

"I don't know. I know that I should be. I know that babies are like miracles and all that, but I never thought I'd have one. I never thought I'd have an Alpha and now I do, and now this. It's just a lot and I'm not sure if I'm ready. I'm not sure if I want a child."

Brock nodded.

"If you need someone to go with you to take care of it, Tony-"

"No, no, I'm gonna keep it. I already considered that, but I think I'll regret it if I do."

Brock frowned.

"There's nothing wrong-"

"No, I know, Brock. It's not that. It's just- I think I'm scared, because this wasn't part of the plan. Steve wasn't part of the plan and the plan has completely changed. It's a lot, but I was scared about Steve, too, and he's the best thing that's ever happened to me. Maybe this baby will be like that too."

Brock nodded.

"Okay, if it's really what you want then I'll support it and be happy for you. I'll support you no matter what choice you make, you know that right?"

"I do and I love you for that."

Brock rolled his eyes, but he smiled softly and pulled Tony in for a hug.

"Now let's talk nurseries," Brock said when he pulled back.

Tony grinned at him.

*****

"We're buying the bar," Tony said to the group. 

He had invited everyone over to Steve's place, since his place was bigger and neater and just overall better for hosting people. He chose to do this on a Sunday night, the only night that the bar wasn't open, so everyone could be there. Everyone was so excited about having won the case, but also scared about what that would mean for them. They had all figured when they first decided to take their boss to court that they would be left jobless regardless of the outcome. 

Clint raised his hand like he was still in elementary school and Tony rolled his eyes.

"Yes, Clint? Do you have something to say to the class?" Tony said sarcastically.

"Um... you're doing what?"

Tony sighed.

"We-" He said, gesturing between him and Steve, "Are buying the bar. This way we can all keep our jobs, have decent fucking pay checks, get the benefits we deserve, and just overall have a positive work environment. Sound good?"

There were murmurs and nods of agreement. Bucky stood up and grabbed the bottle of wine on the counter.

"Okay, well, I think we should all drink to that and to our new bosses."

"Yeah, um, we should clarify, that while I'm technically gonna be on the lease, it's really only because it looks good to have an Alpha on it," Steve said. "I'm an artist. Um, leadership? Yeah, that's not really my thing. Tony, though, he's gonna make a damn fine boss. So yeah, he's gonna run the place and work with you guys. I'm just gonna do the paperwork and manage schedules. That kind of behind the scenes stuff."

Tony giggled and kissed his cheek.

"Steve's gonna be a great co-owner and let me do whatever I want with the place, so I suggest you kiss up to me, if there's anything specific you want out of the renovations," Tony teased. "Steve will also be very busy raising our child and being a work-from-home dad while he paints and helps manage the bar.

Tony rested his hand on his flat belly and all the eyes in the room went wide and congratulations and cheers went off after a moment of shock. Steve was the most shocked though and it took him the longest to say something.

"Wait? Are you serious? Tony, if you're joking then tell me now before I get my hopes up."

"Nope, not joking," Tony told him with a grin, but a part of him was nervous that Steve would be unhappy about it.

"Oh my God. Oh my God! We're having a baby!" Steve practically shouted to the room in his excitement and scooped Tony up into his arms.

Tony laughed and wrapped his limbs around him, leaning down to kiss him.

"I can't believe it. This is amazing, baby! I'm gonna set up a nursery-"

"No, I'm setting up the nursery and Brock's gonna help me since he's also pregnant and we're gonna have matching nurseries."

"Right, right, then I'm gonna paint a mural on the walls."

"That's acceptable."

"Yeah and- Wait? Did you say Brock's pregnant?"

"Yeah, but you didn't hear it from me. They're not telling people yet," Tony told him with a wink.

Steve furrowed his brows.

"Who else would I have heard it from if they're not telling people?"

"I don't know. Sam?"

"But Sam would know that he didn't tell me," Steve pointed out.

Tony rolled his eyes.

"Not my problem."

Steve set Tony down when Bucky cleared his throat.

"Hate to ruin the moment, but I've got wine," Bucky said handing a glass to Steve before reaching for a glass on the counter, "and for you--"

"Oh, no, I can't--"

"It's grape juice, Tony," Bucky cut him off. "I wouldn't do anything to risk your baby."

Tony nodded his thanks and smiled at Bucky.

"Congratulations, by the way. On the mating and the pup."

The words seemed sincere enough, but Bucky's smile seemed off. Tony brushed it off though, letting everyone else come up and hug him and make him promise to invite them to the baby shower. It was a good day, everyone in high spirits, excited about the new baby and getting to keep their jobs. 

*****

That night at home Steve sat on the couch with Tony's feet in his lap, rubbing them.

"I'll do this for you everyday until the baby's born," Steve promised.

Tony smirked.

"Only until the baby's born," Tony teased, wiggling his toes.

Steve laughed.

"No, I'll do it every day until we die, because I love you more than anything in the world and I'd do anything for you, Tony, my beautiful Omega.”

Tony rolled his eyes, but smiled.

"Yeah, well, don't let the baby hear you say that. I'm pretty sure your world is going to expand the moment I pop this thing out."

"Yeah," Steve said dreamily. "I can't believe we're gonna be parents."

"Yeah, this kid's so fucked," Tony teased.

Steve grinned at him.

"We're gonna have the most spoiled, loved, and happiest baby ever. He's never gonna want for anything."

"He? What makes you think we're having a boy?"

"Or she," Steve amended. "I don't care either way. I just hope the baby's just like you."

"Well, jokes on you. This baby's gonna have blond hair and blue eyes."

Steve rolled his eyes.

"I didn't say the baby was gonna look like you, just be like you. You know, brilliant and stubborn."

Tony giggled and shook his head.

“Just focus on rubbing my feet, Alpha.”

“Yes, sir,” Steve teased.

[adamwatchesmovies]

The Howling: Reborn (2011)

I’ve never read The Howling or its sequels, but they must be some of the greatest werewolf novels of all time. Why else would the eighth film in the franchise be yet another adaptation of the second book? Yup. We have yet another sequel that has nothing to do with any of the previous chapters. What's this one about?

Will Kidman (Landon Liboiron) is just a regular guy, about to graduate from high school. Will pines after the hottest girl in his grade, but Eliana (Lindsey Shaw) doesn’t even know he exists because she’s dating the rich class bully (Niels Schneider as Roland) to whom no rules apply. Things become much more serious and deadly when Will encounters a werewolf at a graduation party.

What we have here is a director who saw Twilight and decided to re-imagine The Howling for a whole new generation of teen girls. Sounds like a bad idea on paper. It’s even worse on film. I accidentally missed VII, but I’m just going to say it anyway. This is easily the worst film in the franchise. We’ve seen were marsupials, Transylvanian werewolves that can only be killed with titanium bullets, mystery plots with comical musical cues, and lycanthropes so bad they looked more like sasquatches but this triumphs over them all.

This film is set in one of these schools where bullies can do whatever they want. Cutting someone in the neck, making death threats, physically assaulting other students, or bringing a gun to school is just business as usual for Eliana’s boyfriend and his cronies. None of their activities are reported to the authorities. Or maybe the teachers do know what's going on and just don’t do anything. Wouldn't be a shock when no one in this story acts like a human being. Our main character doesn’t even know what a werewolf is. How is that even possible?

Treat yourself to some of the worst camera work ever by watching The Howling Reborn. It’s one thing to use jittery camera work to hide your low-budget monster, but this technique is taken to a new level here. Simple scenes that require the tiniest choreography are made completely incoherent by a cameraman playing hot potato with their camera. You'll be made dizzy and nauseous as the camera circles around the simplest of scenes for no reason.

As the film progresses, it becomes more and more Stephenie Meyer-esque. Once our protagonist takes off his glasses, the tormented Edward-lookalike becomes increasingly concerned with the girl of his dreams. Then there’s a bunch of doomed romance stuff that'll make you think “please just get back to the rotten werewolf plot”. Too bad it isn't immune to the creeping infestation of badness. Will proves himself dumber than you thought humanly possible and then we get ludicrous revelations about his past. It makes less sense the more I think about it and the shoddy performances don’t help sell you on it at all.

Would you believe that every flaw I’ve listed is still secondary to the dialogue and soundtrack? Some of my favorite bits of dialogue include:   “He’s outgrown my usefulness to you my boy. Now it’s my turn.” “You don’t understand. Every second I’m with you is about restraint, reining myself in because the more I want you.” “I’ve always been scared of letting anyone in, or maybe I’ve been really scared of letting me out.” “It’s like somewhere along the way we were told that knowing too much about a partner somehow makes love less exciting.. we were led to believe wrong.” “I don’t want to lose you even though I feel like I’ve been seriously damaged by this relationship.”

Now read these lyrics and tell me a movie that features them could be worth anything: “I can take a punch; I don’t mind bleeding; as long as as afterwards you feel bad for me…” “The book of love is long and boring; no one can lift the damn thing; it’s full of charts; And facts and figures; And instructions for dancing; But I love it”

You’ve got to see The Howling: Reborn to believe it. It’s got one head-scratcher after another, like random electrical wires used as a defibrillator and teenagers deciding to have sex in the middle of a werewolf attack. It’s too bad two things preventing it from being truly “so bad it’s good”. Firstly, almost everything noteworthy or ironically amusing comes in the last half hour. For the most part, the picture is dull. The second is that this movie is rated PG-13. If your movie can’t be good, at least make it sleazy. There’s a scene in which two couples are getting ready to have sex… and nobody gets naked! There’s barely any gore. The money shot of any werewolf movie: that first full transformation scene is generated by the same special effects they used in the Animorphs TV show. It's pathetic.

Despite my low rating. I would recommend The Howling Reborn IF you meet the following criteria: you have seen at least half of the previous films in the series, you can get the movie for free/the price of a subscription, and you’re a werewolf enthusiast that also enjoys bad movies. While it’s often so bad I wanted to give it a zero star rating but when it starts getting funny bad, I was laughing out loud and continuously. The Howling Reborn is one crappy movie but the problems are so numerous and so inexplicable it kind of becomes a fascinating mess. (On DVD, October 23, 2015)

[theabominableblogger]

Rewatching “Fright Night” (the 1985 version)

No I ain’t watching the remake with David Tennant.  ‘Cause I said so.

*does Borat impression while loading the movie on Amazon Prime*

“Sit here beside me on the veranda.”  Is this the... TV show scene?  The show with Roddy McDowall?

SCARE CHOOORD!

“So... luminescent.”  *laughs*

Those were some... horrible kissing noises

I like the out of context implication that as soon as the woman asks the dude to lay on her chest, Peter Vincent’s like “NONE IN THIS HOUSE!”

“IF SHE BREATHES...”

What idiot puts their smelly ass soccer cleats on their headboard?

“We’ve been going together almost a year, and all I ever hear is ‘Charley, stop it.’“  Well then maybe that’s a you problem

Also what the hell is that map thing next to Amy?

“Let’s get into bed.”  *bug eyes*

Amy, that is not the look of someone who is ready to have sex.

“It says right here that the divorce rate is 76% higher among couples who don’t argue before marriage.”  Shut up, Mom.

“Thank you [Amy] for helping Charley with his homework.”  ...I was gonna make a sex joke here but nah.

Oh I hate Charley’s friend in his movie.

Charley’s car, while super nice, looks like a sunburnt cow

“My luck.  He’s [the neighbor] probably gay.”  AAAAAHHH THEY EVEN SAID IT!

I really Charley to slap Teach [Ed] at some point but I know it’s never gonna happen.

For a moment, I thought that the carpenter dude partner was gonna be like Kenny from “The War at Home” but nah.  He probably just uses his teeth a lot.

*silently jamming to the background synth music*

*Charley spots a woman removes her bra in the window*  What was this rated again?

AN:  It’s rated R

*yells when Jerry looks over to see Charley through the window*

*Shot of Jerry’s hand pulling down the window blind*  That... is a lady hand.

AN:  They were actually extensions that Chris wore and he helped apply them himself so that he could just rip them off after a day of shooting

*Charley’s mom ruins Charley’s cover*  DAMN IT MOM

This movie is basically “Who Cried Wolf” but with vampires?

“I’m his roommate Billy Cole.”  Can you believe just that the fact that this movie was made in the mid 80s when the AIDS crisis in the US was getting ready to happen and director Tom Holland and the screenwriter went “YES they’re gonna be GAY and THAT’S FINAL”

“You actually saw the body, Charley?”  Uh doesn’t that tone raise any suspicion from the detective STANDING NEXT TO HIM?

*snorts in hilarity when Billy jokingly does the sign of the cross*

Charley, I would not trust anything Teach tries to tell you.

AND OF COURSE CHARLEY’S MOM INVITED JERRY OVER

OMINOUS SYNTH CHORD

My God, Chris Sarandon...

What’s with the celery?

Charley’s mom is the most oblivious character in this whole movie, I swear

FISH EYE LENS

I forget, do we ever see Jerry in vampire bat form or do we just see him as Chris Sarandon with fangs the entire movie?

Why yes, Charley, use your tiny crucifix.

Doesn’t the whole “enter with permission” count with bedrooms too or just the house in general?  If it counted with bedrooms, couldn’t Charley just put up a sign on his door that said “NO ADMISSION WITHOUT PERMISSION” and that would keep Jerry out?

Jerry is the most casual vampire I’ve seen so far.  Someone would just throw a chair at him and he’ll just No-Sell it like “Listen... I was just saying...”

There’s got to be a logical way to explain this Christmas thing.

We just need a vampire that’s like Catherine O’Hara from “Schitt’s Creek”

I love how Charley’s like 80% out the window and yet he can still reach for an entire mug of pencils

NO WAIT WE SEE HIS [Jerry’s] VAMPIRE FACE NEVERMIND

Valium?!?

Christopher Lee!

THAT FRAMING [of Billy kneeling directly in front of Jerry’s legs] ISN’T OBVIOUS AT ALL TOM HOLLAND

The logic for this movie is something else.  Charley sees someone on TV perform a vampire killing ON A TV SHOW and thinks “YES I’m going to ask him to help me with this vampire situation!” 

This is like asking Drew Carey if he can assist in a vampire hunting

*imitates Peter Vincent shooing Charley away*

*snorts at Teach and Amy walking in on Charley setting holy stuff ALL OVER HIS HOUSE*

Also I absolutely forgot about the weird side plot with Amy being an incarnation of a past love.  What is it with this and Bram Stoker’s Dracula going this route?

Man, Roddy McDowall is just a masterclass in classical acting.  You can tell the different style between him and the other actors.

There’s a bust of Klaus Kinski’s Nosferatu in the glass box!

AN:  *in best Janet from ‘The Good Place’ impression*  Fun fact, Klaus Kinski was actually an asshole

I like the red and black plaid night coat

God, all those clocks going off at once reminds me of the scene in Pinocchio.  That would give me so much anxiety in real life.

WHO TOSSED JERRY THE APPLE?!?

OH AND THEY [Jerry and Billy] WALK OFF TOGETHER OF COURSE

*imitates Peter Vincent saying “Good evening good evening”*

*going through AO3′s Fright Night 1985 tag as Peter explains what he’s doing*  Wow there’s four pages.  I might have to bookmark some of these.

Ohhhh kay, nevermind on half of these.  Not into that.  Nope nope nope.

I forget, is Billy also a vampire?  Or is he like some ghoul?  Werewolf?

...Interspecies romance?

For a fact, I know that if CinemaSins covers this movie, they would award Jerry the “eating an apple because he’s an asshole” sin and I would laugh

Oh he’s [Jerry] gonna go for the hand kiss, isn’t he? 

OH GOD DAMMIT

*has to still register it*

Wait, did Jerry hold the bottle up in front of the fire in case there was actually holy water?  Would heating it up counteract the holy water inside?

WAIT DOESN’T PETER CATCH JERRY’S LACK OF REFLECTION IN THE MIRROR AS THEY LEAVE?

How did they do that?  Did they just... comp Chris Sarandon out or did they have him tuck out of frame but still say his lines?

AN:  Tom Holland originally goofed up the shot I guess but they ran with it

JERRY IS BI HEADCANON CONFIRMED

WAIT HE FOUND THE MIRROR SHARDS

The overhead tracking shot following Ed in the alleyway is actually pretty good.  And the way it slides to a normal shot is great.

Oh they do the creepy Dracula fog!

Wait, this movie came out the same year as Nightmare on Elm Street 2.  Dang.

And that movie also had a weird homoerotic tone to it.

You know what, the way Jerry offers Ed salvation only to attack him was actually pretty solid.  Just good acting from both of them.  I was sold.

WAIT IT’S THE CLUB SCENE!

*Peter presses a cross to Ed’s forehead*  Great prosthetic too, holy crap!

*jams out to the song playing at the club*

Why do Jerry’s dance clothes look like either my pajamas or really lame exercise clothes?

God, it’s [Jerry pacing back and forth watching Amy] like a cat stalking a bird holy crap

NOOOO I DON’T NEED TO WATCH THIS SHE’S LIKE SIXTEEEEENNNN

*jaw drops when Jerry runs his hand up Amy’s leg*  NOOOOOO

Not gonna lie, this song almost sounded like a remix of the Nightmare on Elm Street theme

NOOOOOOOO STOOOOOPPPP CEASE DESIST

Amy’s hair just gets wilder and wilder during this dance sequence

STOOOOOOPPPP

Quick, Charley, start a fight!  Just... punch someone!  Commotion!

*just yells when Jerry steals a kiss from Amy*

*Amy wakes up in a white dress in Jerry’s house*  NOPE

God and he [Jerry] took off his shirt too just *hides face in hands*

*covers mouth with hand in attempt not to say anything*

*Jerry’s dragging finger scrapes off wood on the banister*  Oh that’s just mean

*Jerry drapes his arms over the back of Billy’s shoulders*  HMM

They would be that duo who would pick up a phone and take turns to go “...surprise, Sidney...”

*A wolf walks out of Mrs. Brewster’s room*  WHAAAAATTT?!?

Dang they really just tossed a plushie wolf off the stairs

WAIT the guy that did the VFX for this movie also did “Ghostbusters” if I remember correctly

AN:  Yes

They are just... really dragging out Ed’s death scene

That kinda exasperated look Peter gives the smoking house is great

Wait is Billy a vampire too?  Zombie?  What is he?

I really just want Charley to reach out and just slightly poke dying Billy in the chest so that he crumbles backwards.  That would have been hilarious.

How long is Amy’s hair?

HE [Jerry] DOES TURN INTO A BAT!

Real plot twist would be that the bat bite also starts turning Charley into a vampire so Peter would have to kill three birds with one stone (heal Charley and Amy and kill Jerry)

Boss move:  Peter closing the coffin in front of Jerry

And it ends with the same shot as the opening!

“Oh, you’re so cool, Brewster.”  So is Ed alive?

[yourcoolfriendwithallthecandy]

Chapters: 12/? Fandom: Incredibles (Pixar Movies) Rating: Mature Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Violet Parr/Buddy "Syndrome" Pine, Violet Parr/Original Male Character(s), Invisigirl - Relationship Characters: Violet Parr, Invisigirl - Character, Little Miss Disappear, Buddy Pine, Buddy "Syndrome" Pine, Bartholomew Pine, Original Male Character, Original Male Superhero Character Additional Tags: Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Corporate Espionage, Modern AU, Spy Invisigirl, Smut, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Aged up characters, Still, A bit of an age difference, Safe Sane and Consensual, Love Triangle, Assets & Handlers Summary:

Ten years after the events in the movies yet in a modern setting. Violet Parr as Invisigirl, has since disappeared from the public eye several years ago. She became a protégé to none other than Mirage and has had an incredibly successful career still working for The Agency but working as a spy and agent behind the scenes and foiled more Villains without anyone but The Agency ever knowing that she was the one who foiled them. However Superhero Work has it's price- mentally, emotionally and most of all physically and now Invisigirl has to come out of the shadows and work one last job as a public handler for an aristobrat, genius, billionaire, playboy- Mr. Phillip Sebastian who has his own tricks and agenda and requests Invisigirl specifically. Which in turn- put's her back on the radar and put's her under an iron clad contract with not just The Agency but with Mr. Sebastian. And it's this one last job that will be the answer to all of Violet Parr's problems. After this, she can disappear for good and never, ever, be found again. It's a three year contract and she is already a year in and everything is going perfectly. Until- Buddy Pine decides to try his hand at corporate espionage. His target? Phillip Sebastian.

And just in case you don’t want to click the link- I’ll have a read more.

Why So Jaded?

Chapter 12

"What did you sign?" Violet demanded of her brother, trying to keep her rage in check as she prayed her brother wouldn't be stupid enough to sign anything without having at least one lawyer.

"I didn't sign anything." Dash reassured her before she blew out a breath of relief.

"I have a healthy enough fear of you Ms. Parr to know that if I would even entertain the possibility of hiring any relation of yours that I would have several lawyers involved." Phillip offered with a charming smile as Violet smiled politely in return but she was ready to roast Phillip on an open spit for even entertaining the idea of hiring Dash as Violet simply crossed her arms over her chest and popped her hip. She had to get Dash out of this building before he did something everyone would regret. She would never forgive herself if something ever happened to Dash and that burden would be too much even for her to carry. She needed to get Dash out of this building and away from Phillip before Dash came to any more harm. Because Dash probably had at least one suicide seed planted in his head, who knew how many others Phillip had already planted there with just him being in this office.

"A private word Mr. Sebastian." Violet urged, she needed to intervene. She would pull the overbearing, controlling bitch card if she had to if it meant her brother could walk free.

"Oh come on, give me a chance before you shoot me down Vi." Dash argued.

"Mr. Parr had quite the convincing argument as to why I should hire him along with Mr. Traeger." Phillip explained.

"Then I have a counter argument which you should find even more convincing." Violet insisted. She hated to do it but she needed to make Dash out as the worst possible candidate for Phillip. It would be like opening up old wounds between herself and Dash and rubbing new salt in them but it would save his life and make sure that he in turn would be alive to at least watch his own children grow up. She didn't care how she would come across or who would hate her for this, it was for his own good.

"Come on Vi." Dash pleaded.

"Dash, this is your one opportunity to get up and walk out of this here and now. This is not the time or the place for you." Violet insisted as she gave him her own pleading look while doing her best to keep in control of her emotions, praying that Dash wasn't going to push this because she knew he was too stubborn yet alone, mentally weak enough to fight against anything Phillip was pumping into his head, she needed to fix this before it became a catastrophe. She would never forgive herself if anything happened to Dash because of her, the blood of other Supers was already a torment to her conscience. She couldn't have Dash's too.

"Well in the spirit of fairness, please, enlighten me as to why Mr. Parr wouldn't be a good fit. But don't do him the disservice of saying it behind his back." Phillip offered and Violet was never more furious for being pitted against her own brother especially by Phillip but if Phillip wanted an entertaining show, she was going to give it to him if it meant that Dash could walk away from this. She could deal with Dash being pissed at her for "ruining" his chances. But if she had to worry about not only keeping her own head and her own wits, she couldn't handle juggling Dash's too.

"First off, what exactly do you want to hire Mr. Parr for?" Violet asked, hoping that by some miracle, that it wouldn't be that bad. Maybe he wanted Dash as a PR man? Maybe?

"As an associate handler." Phillip answered and Violet was ready to curse, scream and cry because of course Phillip would want to keep his leverage against her as close to himself as possible.

"Does Mr. Parr have any handler experience?" Violet asked as she looked from Phillip to Dash pointedly.

"I handle myself just fine." Dash answered and Violet snorted a laugh as she pretended to pat her hips down.

"Are you missing something Ms. Parr?" Philip posed.

"Yes, Mr. Parr's microphone because he's obviously trying to do some stand up comedy." Violet answered as Leo snorted a laugh in turn as he simply sat in the chair and looked over at Violet fondly. Violet was always a special treat to be in the presence of, no matter the circumstances around their meetings.

"Mr. Parr, you have never, in your life, handled yourself well." Violet answered dismissively.

"How can you say that?" Dash demanded before Violet came over and perched herself on the corner of Phillip's desk between Phillip and her brother because there was no other chair for her to sit at at the desk and she didn't want to sit in Phillip's lap or actually bring another chair over from where the living room space of his office was.

"Mr. Parr, if you are even going to apply for that kind of position, for not only a fortune 500 company but for an asset worth billions who in all respects is a very high value asset, you need to have a minimum of 2-5 years experience of being a handler for other high value assets and handling yourself doesn't count you also need to have at least three to five, preferably seven, very glowing letters of recommendation and be vetted by at least two to four, maybe five individual, independent and completely objective guarantors. Do you even know how to spell guarantors?" Violet put to Dash.

"G-u-a…." Dash tried to think.

"And have a body count of at least 10." Violet interrupted.

"Oh I got that in the bag." Dash scoffed.

"Really? You've killed more than 10 people in cold blood and buried all evidence that you were the one to kill them?" Violet asked and watched as Dash's face fell as he realized that she was asking for that kind of body count, a kill count. Not a "body count" as in had sex with at least ten people.

"Mr. Sebastian, go on The Agency's data base and inform Mr. Parr what my body count is." Violet invited as she scooted back onto the desk to sit more comfortably.

"I don't know if.." Phillip began as Leo simply raised his eyebrows and bit his lips to keep his face from splitting in half from a smile because he could sense this was about to get really ugly in the most entertaining way.

"Do it." Violet ordered as Phillip nodded and did as she asked.

"You have 3,744 confirmed kills and another 2,317 additional assumed kills," Phillip read off as both Leo and Dash's eyes got wide.

"So, Dash, what's your body count?" Violet repeated.

"Uh, well, we did kill like a dozen henchman when we stormed Syndrome's…" Dash began.

"No, you tipped off their flying hovercrafts so they could run into each other, how many people have you either shot, dismembered, strangled, poisoned, bombed, or just outright slaughtered?" Violet asked.

"Well how many have you…?" Dash asked.

"7,834." Violet answered.

"Damn." Leopold coughed like he got shot in the gut.

"And over a thousand of those were mid coitus." Violet grinned triumphantly.

"Fuck." Leo coughed again before he got his glass of water and drank it like it was whiskey, he knew Violet was lethal and one of the more dangerous Supers at The Agency, but that would put her in a league all her own as Violet seemed to appear a whole lot more sexier than she ever was in his eyes, no wonder Phillip adored her, he could see why, she was all femme fatal.

"You've killed, over a thousand guys, while their dicks were.." Dash paled.

"845 men, the remaining 347 were women." Violet smiled like 'fuck you' was written on her teeth as Dash looked downright scandalized as Leo couldn't help but whistle lowly and mutter a 'wow' under his breath.

"But moving on from the body count. Dash, you don't fucking listen. You don't listen to anyone about anything, you don't listen to your own handler or your own manager or your own coaches for crying out loud or anyone else in any position of authority. If I tell you to duck, you ask why and argue with me along with everyone else. Your immediate and unquestioning obedience to orders given, no matter who gives them, means your life in this business. Even when you don't agree with it or don't see the sense in it at the time. You had a hard enough time being obedient to Dad, let alone Mom. And your sexist bullshit has no place here because you don't listen to women especially even when those women have earned that place of authority to tell you what to do. Not to mention you're a selfish, self absorbed asshole whose ego can practically touch the moon and you need a measure of humility in this job, of which you have none. You don't know how to walk into a room and not immediately want to be in the center of attention in it." Violet leveled and even Leo had to agree with her very valid points because Violet knew what she was talking about.

"Dash, you are a great Super and an awesome hero and you know exactly how to play to the media to make yourself the star of the show because you have a ton of charm and charisma, which you get honestly from Dad. But it's because you are those things that disqualify you from this kind of position. Because in this job, you're not the star, you're not even supposed to be on the damn camera or even in the shot. You are offscreen supporting cast only and an asterisk in the credits. You don't get any limelight and when you do, it better be pointing it Mr. Sebastian because since he's the asset, he's the star of the show, he's the focus, he's the target, he's the focal point. And if you detract from that, you're not doing your job correctly. Also if you're working for Mr. Sebastian, that means that your life as White Lightning, not to mention Dash Parr the Olympian, gets put on hold and on the last back burner. Because you'll be working as yourself which means that White Lightning has to be completely separate from this. Which means you won't be able to do any stunts or any press or any media work for yourself. Which means your own popularity will wane and the focus at The Agency will focus away from you and find someone new to push onto the masses. Someone younger, prettier, bigger and better, faster and stronger. New Supers are found and practically made- every day and that eventuality is the given, it's the rule and the expectation which is why I never bought into it. Which means, that your time in the spotlight, your own fifteen minutes of fame- should you take this position, will be over. And when you're done being in this kind of position, mounting a comeback- isn't going to happen with any measure of success, because you will just be a has been and old news and a passing fling for all your adoring fans. Also your training as an Olympian will also wane and fade. Which means you won't be an athlete anymore. At least one that won't and can't compete professionally. Which means your "real life" persona, will also fade. What brand wants to sponsor a has been? Old news? Your ego already can't handle your rival's popularity if it overshadows yours, you'll implode on your own downward spiral and fall from grace and your current media darling status." Violet warned, hoping and praying that Dash was listening to a word of this because she was pulling out every stop she could think of to make him see sense and make him see that this would not serve him well in the long run and knew that Dash held his own fame near and dear to his heart and if anything was going to snap him out of the spell Phillip put him under, this should be it. 

"Also, loose lips sink ships. And you can't keep a secret to save your life. For someone as selfish as you are, your own sense of self preservation is next to zero because you can't help but reveal your own secret or super identity because there's no difference between the two. I'll give you a fairly recent example. How much money, would it take for me to offer Bianca, the Victoria Secret model who you spent your weekend with to find out how many times you showed her your 'human vibrator' trick? A hundred dollars? A thousand dollars? Ten thousand maybe? You do it with almost every girl you sleep with. And it's the reason you can't keep a condom on that pecker of yours because you literally burn through them because you're a show-off. Because whoever you are fucking, her adoration and her being in a state of impressed is always like a drug to you because you're addicted to always being the best, no matter what you're doing. Because the only reason that Ashley and Amy get as much child support from you is because half of it is practically hush money which they abide by because you're a cash cow for them, and as long as they keep their mouths shut, they get to live comfortably and raise your kids in your absence because you can't be bothered to actually raise them half the time because if word got out that the reason you're the fastest man alive and the reason you're always a gold medal Olympian is because you're a Super, imagine the fallout. Every girl that you fuck, can put it together that you're really White Lightning. And everything will get taken away once that barely held secret comes out and then all your popularity, all your sponsorships and endorsements on both sides, both for Dash Parr and White Lightning will be taken away and you'll go from most popular to most hated overnight because you're a cheater in every sense, you cheated on your high school sweetheart with your first college crush for crying out loud and your two sons by two different women are only six months apart. Do you really think that speaks of your character in any kind of good light?” Violet posed. 

“Mr. Sebastian has enemies in both high and low places. Enemies that pay more money than you can comprehend to find any cracks or kinks in his armor. I would give it, maybe 12 hours at the soonest, 72 at the very latest, that the moment you are even rumored to be involved with Mr. Sebastian that every deep dark secret you possess would be offered up to them on a silver platter by all their moles and hunters and then that very dirt is used against Mr. Sebastian and yourself or because you're a greedy, selfish, two timing, cheating motherfucker, who is to say you won't go to them yourself? And not only tell all your own secrets but tell on mine, or tell on Mom or Dad or tell on everyone you know or you're associated with, let alone Mr. Sebastian's? And you'd do it for one thing, money. Because you blow money faster than you spend it and you're drowning in debt and yet the moment you make a hundred bucks, you're spending a hundred and fifty? You've fired every money manager I've gotten you because they told you things that you didn't want to hear like 'stop buying everything in sight'. Do you really think that I, let alone Mr. Sebastian of all people are going to bend over backwards to protect you when all you are to us is a liability, when you can't even perform the fucking job in the first place?! You are in way over your head and you have no business in this business." Violet plainly and yet strangely, honestly appraised and didn't know if it was Phillip urging her to be honest or her own will to finally let all this air out because she had been stamping all this down since she came back.

"And the word on the street may be that I'm a hateful, mean, domineering and controlling bitch. But you know what? I perform my job with a margin of error that is in the fractions of a single percent and I have earned every single person's loyalty and respect on my team to the point we take bullets for each other all the time on the regular. I not only have to deal with ransom situations and assassination attempts but also deal with corporate espionage that makes just regular governmental espionage look like child's play and you wouldn't even know what any of that looks like because you'd again, hand over everything for a pretty face with a smile and short tight skirt." Violet accused evenly as Dash simply sat there and pouted like a child being told no while Leo sat there as realization hit him over the head how much sense she was making because while Dash was his bro. Violet was speaking nothing but truth and if Leo really had to be in this job himself, he didn't know if he'd be willing to have Dash's back when Dash was so clearly ill equipped to have his.

"And I can see it written all over your face because you have a shit poker face, that I'm just being mean right? I'm just out to ruin everything for you? That this is a personal attack on you and I've taken this all too far? Well I got news for you. I'm literally just being honest. I'm not a bossy bitch, I am the big boss bitch. I have dozens of others coming to me for mentorship and advice on how to do this job the right way and the most successfully viable way because I've been there and done that with everything that can happen. Because I have set the precedent and the standard. And it is the gold standard in this industry for very good and valid reasons. All that money that I make that you're so jealous of, because all this really is to you- is about the fucking money and nothing else. Guess what, I've earned and payed for every cent of it with my own blood and every drop of my enemies blood as well because Mr. Sebastian's enemies which in turn are my own by principle alone. Because that's what a shield does. And while on paper I'm a handler, what I really am is a shield and a deterrent and every other Super in my position, is a shield for their assets in turn and the reason Mr. Sebastian is safe is because who is left of his enemies knows that they can not strike at him without me giving a counter strike and when I strike, I hit hard and they stay down and they never get back up. I'm a hunter and I always hunt to kill and I'm always successful because my life depends on it and my life is spent serving others and I am perfectly happy and content with that and that’s your problem, you’re never happy or content with anything. And that's what's the biggest disqualifier for you, you only know how to serve yourself. You don't know how to best serve others because you've never cared enough to learn how to do it. And the reason all of this has worked so well is because I hold myself to a standard of perfection that you can't even dream of holding yourself to. I operate with surgical precision because I have to because not only does my life hang in the balance, but so does my asset, and his family and everyone he cares about and everyone who depends on him works for SEB and all of Mr. Sebastian's companies depend on me to protect the man who signs their checks and gives them their means of living along with every single person on my team and all of their families and loved ones, not to mention my own." Violet specified.

"Tell me Dash, how many back up plans do you have? If a swat team decides to storm this building, which has actually happened more times than I can count, and if they decide to blow out these windows again and open fire from a helicopter that is hovering just outside this office- right this second. What would you do? How do you protect yourself? Are you even carrying a gun or any kind of weapon or is your plan always to just 'duck' and use your powers to move faster than the bullets themselves? Do you protect yourself or do you protect Mr. Sebastian first? How do you counter attack? How do you get to safe spaces? Where are the safe spaces even located? And what happens when you get shot dead? What plans do you have in place for Dash Jr and Dillon and Ashley and Amy? So they don't raise those boys all on their own or are you going to leave it to chance and the universe to take care of them when you're not around to? Do you just get to hope and pray that whoever will marry those girls will treat their future step sons ok? Or will they be the proverbial redheaded step children who get left out in the cold? Do you even have life insurance? Who gets to bury you? And where do you want your body to be laid to rest? What kind of funeral do you want to have? You're a 'take it as it comes, I'll figure it out when I get to it' kind of person. You can not be that kind of person in this job, you need to not only have your day planned out, your week, your month, your year. But you also need to have plans, structure, protocols and contingencies in place for whatever happens and be ready to react however you need to and not always how you want to and you need to have all that memorized and your body to be ready to go into action and evasive maneuvers in the blink of an eye and do you have any idea how exhausting it is not just physically but mentally because that can happen at any moment without warning, whether you're on the clock or not. Because if you are not in complete control of every situation in every moment, accidents and chaos will happen and will always surprise you and do it's utmost to catch you with your pants down when you're not ready and recovering from the damage inflicted in those moments will take the rest of your life. However long or short that will be. You have dealt with some pressures in your life, but these pressures here, are too much for you. It will take at least a year or two or maybe three, to get you properly trained in all the disciplines you'll need to know to even attempt to hack at this job and all that time is going to cost at least seventy five to a hundred and fifty grand per year. And your value as a person and your value as a production entity, and what you produce is protection and safety- needs to outweigh your liability and your investment. And from where I sit, you're a bad fit who needs too much work to be made viable who's own liabilities are too high risk and whose value of protection will never pay out in any meaningful way. And your connection to me is a hindrance, not a help. Nepotism kills in this industry. Everyone has a 'I tried to get my nephew or my brother or someone else I know into this and they're dead now and we've had a fall out in the family since and we don't talk anymore' story. And I don't want to have one of my own, and neither should you." Violet insisted.

"With all due respect Mr. Sebastian, with respect to everything that Ms. Parr has brought to light. I will not be signing on if Mr. Parr does. Because I am in agreement with Ms. Parr on this 100%. Mr. Parr isn't right for this. The closest I would want Mr. Parr is just a friend and not a close one at that in light of all those liabilities, and frankly, I'm underqualified for this, the fact that Ms. Parr even mentioned my name in the first place is very high praise that I'm not worthy of and I'm frankly honored to bear witness that Ms. Parr lives up to her reputation of being the best in the business for every good reasons that she just demonstrated, to the point that she is so professional that she won't let familial ties cloud her judgement or keep her from making the right call and to ignore her or go against her very sage advice, would be courting disaster." Leo formally answered Phillip who frowned. Not thinking that Leo would rather side with Violet instead of Dash, here he thought he would have it easy to have a three against one but right now it was two against one and if he wasn't so hell bent on his own objectives, he would immediately dismiss Dash. He had to find a way to make everyone happy while still serving his purpose.

"But..." Dash began to argue before Leo reached over and clasped his shoulder to stop him from making a fool of himself.

"Dash, Violet has you dead to rights, to sign on with this is signing your own death warrant and you have too much to lose if anything goes sideways and you're just plain, not cut out for it, it's not gonna work out man and it's ok, just accept it. No amount of money in the world should make you want to risk not watching your kids grow up. And you may be pissed at your sister and your pride and ego might be bruised right now but she just saved your life and you're an idiot if you don't see that. I wish I had a badass sister like you who looked out for me the way she just did for you. And she honestly did you a favor and every word out of her mouth rang true and she just gave you a priceless service of pointing out, in less than, say 20 minutes, where your weaknesses are and what you need to work on as a human being to be better. She did her job right. And she did right by you by making sure you stay out of harms way, which this job has more than it's fair share of. You can't ask anything more from her. Now, let's get out of here, I'll buy you a drink." Leo offered.

"Mr. Sebastian, thank you for your time, we'll be in touch and I'll give you my answer when I have a chance to think it over and sleep on it. Ms. Parr always a pleasure to see you." Leo offered as he stood and shook Phillip's hand. then Violet's hand.

"Mr. Traeger." Violet returned.

"Thanks for at least hearing me out." Dash offered to Phillip as he shook his hand but still offered Violet a dirty glare as he passed her to leave with Leo.

But Violet could handle Dash's hurt feelings more than his innocent blood, she did it, she saved him. And what's more is she at least had Leo to back her up before she swiveled in her spot on the desk and turned around and faced Phillip, ready to take on whatever bullshit he would come up with to excuse himself.

"You were too hard on him." Phillip offered to Violet.

"No. I'm the only one who can see through bullshit apparently. What is wrong with you? Did you think that just because he shares some of my blood that he'd be anything like me? How many times have I told you about how he needs reminders to pay his own child support and bills, how he can't even function as an adult. He can't even cook or take care of himself properly and how the only thing he knows how to keep clean is his shoes, his car and his super-suit, because he can’t do laundry to save his life and he just drops all his clothes off at the drycleaners so they deal with it. The guy buys paper plates and bowls and plastic cutlery because he can't even bring himself to actually wash his own dishes. If he can't take care of himself, how in the fuck is he supposed to take care of you? What kind of sob story did he try to ply you with?" Violet posed because she knew outright accusing him of trying to hire Dash to use as leverage against her wasn't going to work. But if she could shift the blame to Dash, it would effectively make it look like she was letting him off the hook.

"You're right, I'm sorry. I didn't take any of that into consideration and as always, you did bring up some very valid points, so I conceded, I will not be hiring Mr. Parr as my handler and anyone who hires him in any position where his own liabilities endanger others is foolish." Phillip cooed to sooth her anger because her rage was palpable even without his powers before her anger seemed to abate as his own spark of genius thought of ways he could get around this.

"Before you sign anyone else, at least run it by me. I appreciate you doing everything to keep things from off my plate, but Dash was the worst candidate for that job. Or really any job that doesn't involve his own ego and his own popularity and fame, because he is shallow, like a puddle, or maybe the Habsburg gene pool." Violet teased with a laugh as Phillip simply chuckled with her.

"Anyway, do we have anything new for Mr. Pine this evening?" Violet asked.

"Nope, nothing new, good night Ms. Parr." Phillip bid her.

"Goodnight." Violet grinned as she nodded and hopped off the desk and walked down to Buddy's floor.

"Good evening Mr. Pine." Violet greeted.

"Good evening Ms. Parr." Barret greeted.

"Any new business?" Barret asked before Violet started laughing that laugh that portrayed how close she was to losing her goddamn mind.

"What happened?" Barret asked.

"Some damn foolishness, that's for sure." Violet answered as she pulled up the feed from Phillip's office from about an hour ago on her tablet. "Not to be an imposing guest, but could I trouble you for about an hour of your time and a glass or two of wine?" Violet asked with a giddy smile because she wanted Barret to see what had happened.

"You're never imposing." Barret immediately reassured her as he immediately put down what he was working on as Violet happily pressed a button on her sleeve and her outfit changed into one of just a casual outfit of a nice blouse and leggings with flats as she followed him into his apartment and took a seat on his breakfast bar as Barret went through what he had before he threw together the leftovers from the weekend as an offering for her before he got up on the other barstool next to her as Violet felt cameras and listening devices power down now that she was on this side of his space before she pulled up the video for Barret to see.

"Who's this?" Barret asked.

"That's Dash, as I'm sure you've figured out, is really White Lightning and that, is Leopold Traeger, aka Mysterio, but obviously, don't tell, anyway it's Leo who I suggested to Phil because Mysterio has a decent head count and has his own fair share of scandal and cover ups who's been around the block a few times and wouldn't judge Phil for his vices and would be flexible to work the schedule and wouldn't mind the cage too badly. He's not the greatest but he'll do for now until someone awesome becomes available because obviously I've been reassigned to you." Violet murmured quietly with a happy smile before she pulled up the video as Barret opened the bottle of wine and started to pour two wine glasses full before Violet put the tablet on the counter between them as they watched Dash try to spit his best game trying to get whatever job Phillip could use him for.

"Desperate much?" Barret muttered with a frown.

"That's Phil." Violet breathed in Barret's ear.

"What?" Barret asked as he moved his arm to rest on the back of Violet's backrest of the stool as Violet happily cuddled into his side as she put her mouth over his ear, her other hand cupping between her lips and his ear.

"That's Phillip. It's not that he can read thoughts per-say, he can read emotions, and he manipulate your emotions, even if all Dash did was look at him and go 'damn I wish he was my boss so I could make as much money' he takes that and turns it up to 11. He can make anyone feel desperate, desperate for him or what he could give them. Which in this case- is money. Phillip probably made Dash feel like if he didn't get a job from Phillip today- that he would starve to death before he would get evicted tomorrow. That kind of desperate." Violet revealed into Barret's ear as he fought not to shudder in delight, having her that close to him as his fingertips curled around her arm once the inside of his forearm made contact with her back and shoulders as her warmth seeped into his soul.

He knew it was going to be her job to "seduce" him, thankfully slowly. But he'd be lying if he tried to deny that he hadn't already fallen for her. But he also knew, the "harder" he made it for her to get close to him, the better for her in the long run because that would buy them both time to figure stuff out with Phillip, but in these moments, it was hard not to give in because his heart was ready to turn itself into an airplane runway and start waving her in.

"I see." Barret nodded in understanding before they watched the rest of the video as Barret watched on in awed amazement to see Violet do her best to try to counter all of that as he thought Leo's reactions were hilarious if not incredibly appropriate as he found himself mirroring the same reactions to everything Violet said.

"So I take it had you not been there to intervene and interfere, Dash would have been the real take." Barret realized.

"Yup. Now if Phillip goes to my father to try to do the same thing to him, I'll end him. So my question would be, should that happen, do you want me to take you with- after I do?" Violet asked.

"Please." Barret found himself saying before he could stop himself.

"Awesome, well, until then and while I'm here and while the spiders are sleeping, you and I should really talk about how we're going to proceed with 'the give'. Because I feel like the moment Philip is sure that you've fallen for me, he's going to order me to undo you. And I don't want to do that, for real at least. But even if we have to play this up for the camera so to speak, I think there's a way we can do it without hating each other's guts by the end of it. So I have an idea." Violet began.

"Ok," Barred prompted.

"I know we agreed about the Mr. Pine, Bartholomew, Buddy, Barret thing. As much as this hurts to say and I feel sick to my stomach just saying this out loud but, when the time comes for when Phillip orders for me to undo you. If I absolutely have to and have no other choice, I would prefer to undo Tully, not Barret and just in case you need to undo me for any reason, undo Eloise, Ellie for short, not Violet. Eloise is my real middle name and it's a nickname that very, very few people use or would even know to use and it'll be something that can also get by the sensors and it'll give Phillip something somewhat tangible for when we have to put on a show in here and that way I can "hurt you" at least mentally and emotionally without actually hurting you, or at least, the real you." Violet suggested and Barret was ready to kiss her because his love and adoration for her just about overpowered him.

"Violet and Barret, Ellie and Tully." Barret nodded in agreement.

"So tell me about Ellie then." Barret invited as Violet smiled happily.

"Well, Ellie…" Violet began giddily as she settled in and took advantage of the fact that they could talk for now without anyone overhearing them.

[prettyboysdontlookatexplosions]

songs on taylor swift’s LOVER (2019), a concept album about eliot waugh and quentin coldwater from SYFY’s the magicians, rated by how much they are about eliot waugh and quentin coldwater from SYFY’s the magicians

i forgot that you existed - lmao these dummies will never be over each other. bumped a bit because it would be good on the soundtrack for the fic i still kinda want someone to write where eliot gets brainwashed by the dark king who for god’s sake is not trying to bring back to life his beloved who died because of homophobia and gets catfished by his dead brother but is just a supernatural evil despot manipulating eliot’s pain and erasing his memories of quentin only to be defeated of course by the power of true love. weak showing to start but things quickly improve. 2/10

cruel summer - this is a song about being out of your mind with horniness for someone you would rather die than admit you’ve caught feelings for, which is.... VERY queliot. love eliot watching quentin at a hotel vending machine at night and insisting to himself, “i’m not dying.” good for a non-beast AU where quentin dates alice and eliot dates some non-possessed normie boy and they both get dumped finals week and get obliteratingly drunk in the physical kids’ cottage as bros and hook up and wake up like “LOL haha rebound sex” and then it happens again and they’re like, sure, you know, why not, you’re heartbroken, i’m heartbroken, let’s help each other forget about it by fucking like rabbits, except of course by august eliot is drunk in the back of the car crying like a baby coming home from the bar because he is not fine about all the times he has told quentin it’s fine. ALTERNATELY this is actually just quentin in the mosaic timeline after they hook up and he wakes up in the morning totally ready to talk about how they’re dating now and eliot is like LET’S NOT OVERTHINK THINGS and quentin’s like, haha yeah ok! and they keep having mindblowing outdoor sex but like as bros and quentin regrets every waking moment agreeing to pretend not to overthink things with his best friend who is amazing in bed and who also he is definitely falling in love with. “breakable heaven” is a good description of the mosaic timeline, because many pieces and because it broke by never happening. bonus point because “i love you, ain’t that the worse thing you ever heard?” is SO eliot and also SO quentin in related but distinct ways. 8/10

lover - UGH!!!! SO QUELIOT!!!! “have i known you twenty seconds or twenty years” vs. “i bond fast, time is an illusion.” “can i go where you go” for two people who have been thrown together and torn apart so many times is wildly romantic. “my heart’s been borrowed and your heart’s been blue” = i dated a possessed guy and then became a possessed guy and you are chronically depressed. “you’ll save all your dirtiest jokes for me” is all about eliot’s smirks. i ALREADY have feelings about taylor swift, a human being who spent most of her adult life ruled by the lingering wounds of having been uncool in eighth grade, putting in her big sweet love song the line, “and at every table i’ll save you a seat,” but i have SO MANY MORE feelings when i apply that to quentin coldwater, who ate lunch in the bathroom on days that julia was absent because of the horror of finding somewhere to sit in the high school cafeteria. 9/10

the man - margo says she hates this song because it’s white feminism but whenever she gets drunk at karaoke she makes quentin sing it with her. he always flips his hair on “i’d be just like leo in st tropez,” because he is the only other person besides taylor swift in america uncool enough to think that’s still a reference that conjures up associations of a sexy awesome playboy. 3/10

the archer - FUCKING!!!!!!!!!!! GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!! this is... ok. ok. i’m calm. this is the eliot song of all time. “i’m ready for combat / i say i don’t want that / but what if i do” is about eliot’s reactivity and his fear that on some level he wants to blow everything up more than he wants to be loved. we don’t know what started the fight we see in the mosaic timeline but what we glimpse is very “cruelty wins in the movies”: this impulse to win by pushing the other person away to avoid your own vulnerability. “i’ve got a hundred thrown out speeches i almost said to you” is eliot unpossessed after quentin is alive but before he and alice have broken up thinking about all the apologetic true love confessions he made charlton watch him rehearse. “i search for your dark side / but what if i’m alright right right right here” is about refusing to believe in good things because they are so threatening when your formative experiences of love and family were so unsafe. “i cut off my nose just to spite my face / and i hate my reflection for years and years” is, quite literally, just the exact plot of 4x05. “i wake in the night / i pace like a ghost / the room is on fire / invisible smoke” is more A+ abandonment issues content, and i can’t even TALK about “all of my heroes die all alone” in the context of eliot waugh who FULLY has on MANY occasions raised a toast to living fast dying young and leaving a beautiful corpse and has never himself been wholly sure exactly how much he was kidding. “all the king’s horses and all the king’s men / couldn’t put me together again / cuz all of my enemies started out friends” is first of all a very funny thing for a former high king of fillory to say, and second upsetting because MOSAIC, PIECES, MINOR MENDINGS, ELIOT SEES HIMSELF AS A BROKEN THING, and third devastating because of how much of the Trauma Chalkboard involves times eliot has betrayed other people. ok FINE we can start talking about the refrains now, even though they CAUSE ME THE MOST PAIN. “help me hold on to you” is the subtext of every post-4x13 queliot fic for the very good reason that it’s the most vulnerable and beautiful and real thing eliot could ever say. “i’ve been the archer / i’ve been the prey” is again about eliot as a person full of regret for all the ways he has lashed out in his life against people other than the ones who wounded him so deeply. “screaming who could ever leave me darling / but who could stay” is sooooo eliot, with the drama and affect of it all (“darling!”), and the performed belief in his own excellence combined with his deep insecurity. “they see right through me” is about how he’s secretly afraid everyone can smell on him that he grew up on a farm in indiana, “can you see right through me” is about both fearing and hoping that quentin will see all of him, “i see right through me” is about how hard he’s lied to himself about wanting love. the best song in the world probably. 20/10.

i think he knows - my favorite thing about adult taylor swift referencing anything about adolescence is that taylor swift had a totally deranged abnormal adolescence because she spent the whole thing first trying to be famous and then actually being outrageously famous. so i love it when she says “it’s like i’m 17 nobody understands,” because when she was actually 17 she was dating a jonas brother for like 3 months and then writing break-up songs that made it sound like she was never that into it, so it’s like this idea of being 17 and hormonal in some kind of normal context where you actually are thinking about sex all day instead of meeting with your branding team. this is a fun idea to extrapolate to eliot & quentin, who were both miserable at 17 and never got the experience of devoting your brain full-time to all-consuming horniness for the first person to ever give you an orgasm, but who can now experience that with each other. also “his hands around a cold glass make me wanna know that body like it’s mine” is a queliot line because of my very strong personal headcanon that eliot is obsessed with quentin’s hands. 6/10

miss americana and the heartbreak prince - see above re: tswift & teenhood. "when i was 16 / lost in a film scene” is even better because actual teen taylor swift spent many hours of her life literally acting out on film these like pathologically normative high school scenarios that she never lived because she dropped out after ninth grade, and because this song is all about like, image vs reality but is also itself a fantasy? fucked up and weird, i love it. taylor swift spent so many years portraying her specific teen shame as being about her deep dweebery and i think it’s really funny that in this song she is still an outcast but now it is because she is like, too sexy and misbehaving, both through the line “they whisper in the hallways she’s a bad bad girl” and by setting it to basically a lana del rey track. i feel like this is a very eliot move, to rewrite your own history of exclusion as more glamorous and flattering than it was, to portray yourself as like this debauched rebel instead of a sad gay kid in a homophobic environment. eliot obviously was never enamored with this kind of stock teen americana imagery the way taylor was, but i think he has that same tension of deeply resenting one image while being very drawn to another one. extra point because “heartbreak prince” is such a hilarious and amazing way to describe quentin. 7/10

paper rings - good song for a very chill no-beast AU. “i like fancy things but i’d marry you with paper rings” is very eliot. it’s cute to imagine eliot reading all of the books besides quentin’s bed not because he likes them but because he wants to get to know quentin better. “i want your dreary mondays” is a nice thing for either of these dudes to hear. 5/10

cornelia street - all songs about being overwhelmed and terrified by love are about eliot waugh!!!!! especially songs where someone does something casually that is clearly not casual at all. it rules that both of the key metaphors in the verses are extremely quentin images: fresh page on the desk / card sharks playing games. stories and magic! thinking about eliot and quentin barefoot in a kitchen together makes me want to cry, for normal reasons. 8/10

death by a thousand cuts - i have to be honest, for a long time i thought it sucked that the best song on this album was actually not about queliot, but then i saw the light and realized that this is a song about how totally incomprehensible it is that you’re supposed to just move on with your life when someone you loved absolutely is no longer yours, so ACTUALLY, this song is totally about quentin after the mosaic! “i ask the traffic lights if it’ll be alright / they say i don’t know.” trying to be normal while secretly dying inside. “i look through the windows of this love, even though we boarded them up / chandelier’s still flickering here” = i said it was chill when you compartmentalized our 50 years as soulmates as something that happened to other people but actually the me i am right now wants you real bad! “what once was ours is no one’s now” because it happened in an alternate timeline that never existed. “you said it was a great love / one for the ages / but if the story’s over / why am i still writing pages” = you said it was kind of beautiful but also that wasn’t really me but if so then why do i want to bone you so bad. gets even more fucked up if you extend it properly into season 4. MY HEART MY HIPS MY BODY MY LOVE / TRYING TO FIND A PART OF ME THAT YOU DIDN’T TOUCH: a line i can only ever type in all-caps and about which i can say nothing because it is perfect. “gave up on me like i was a bad drug” is also very quentin reflecting bitterly on eliot. saying goodbye to your possessed ex is death by a thousand cuts because that’s how many times the monster sockpuppeting his body is going to randomly show up in your apartment covered in blood. the morning comes and you’re not my baby, because you have been possessed. flashbacks waking me up because i have PTSD now from watching your body murder like 80 people.  8/10

london boy - lmao. no 0/10

soon you’ll get better - I Feel Weird Jokingly Assigning A Rating To Taylor Swift’s Very Sad Song About How Taylor Swift’s Actual Mom Has Actual Cancer Based On How Much It Relates To A Fictional Couple In Which One Person Has A Parent Who Dies Of Cancer So I’m Going To Rate This Not Applicable. N/A. great song tho

false god - jesus, does she really go london boy / soon you’ll get better / false god? her sequencing is so deranged. anyway i know i was JUST talking about my interest in fic where quentin and eliot get together but don’t necessarily talk out every single one of their 800 issues in the timespan covered by the story, but this song about make-up sex is still not very queliot to me, possibly because i cannot get past the dorkiness of taylor swift calling herself new york city. “you can't talk to me when I'm like this / daring you to leave me just so I can try and scare you” is pretty good though. “if you want to live your life live it here...” damn eliot waugh and taylor swift really are like the same person on the level of psychological architecture. i know i keep saying it but it keeps freaking me out. 4/10

you should calm down - eliot unfollowed jonathan van ness on twitter after the video for this came out. he unfollowed antoni too but then refollowed him because he’s hot.  -1000000/10.

afterglow - so THIS song about fighting actually DOES have very queliot vibes. and it’s funny, because i keep talking about eliot’s fear of lashing out and hurtfully pushing away people he loves, and i think he does have that impulse (”if you want to live your life live it here...” what did you MEAN eliot), and i also think he’s SUPER afraid of that within himself, partly because of how the dynamics of his childhood make anger and conflict really fraught for him... but actually the character we more often see being a huge dick because of his own issues is, in fact, quentin, and that is who this song about. we all know i am obsessed with the scene where quentin comes sheepishly back to alice apologizing for being an asshole because it’s so vulnerable and honest and such a powerful moment of growth for him... as robbed as i feel of like tearfully joyful queliot reunions i also feel robbed that we never got to see quentin and eliot have a moment like that together! 7/10

me! - absolutely not. -30/10

it’s nice to have a friend - i like this song but the way taylor talks about it always makes me kind of sad, because she draws this equivalence between being excited about a friend as a kid and being excited about romance as an adult that really does make it sound like she thinks in adulthood romance takes over a place that friendship used to occupy, instead of co-existing with it... but she’s also talked a lot about the importance of finding who her real friends are so idk maybe i’m being too hard on her and also oversensitive because of certain plot developments. “call my bluff / call you babe” is cute. card sharks! pet names! 5/10

daylight - R U KIDDING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE QUELIOT ANTHEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! two people who have been hurt and hurt others, who have spent a long time running away from their own hearts, who have been confused about what they want... “i wounded the good and i trusted the wicked / clearing the air i breathed in the smoke” about every mistake and regret and fuck-up... “maybe you ran with the wolves and refused to settle down / maybe i’ve stormed out of every single room in this town”... the trauma chalkboard, the fight outside the hedge bar... the people you become to try to erase the person you’re afraid you are... and then! “throw out our cloaks and our daggers because it’s morning now / it’s brighter now”... to find peace in the person you never need to hide yourself from... the transformative power of letting yourself be seen... “i can still see it all in my mind / all of you all of me intertwined”... i can still remember this other life that never happened which matters not because it’s where i fell in love with you but because it’s where i revealed my whole self and learned that whole self could be loved.... and of course above all most crucially, “i once believed love would be burning red / but it’s golden / like daylight”... the very beautiful story the magicians accidentally almost told was a story about letting go of the narratives you’ve been taught to want and realizing that as much as real life and hard and scary it is also lovelier than any of those wan old stories... “i wanna be defined by the things that i love, not the things that i hate, or the things that i’m afraid of”... please!!!!!!! 100000000000000/10

[crookedbigbang]

ARTIST CLAIMS ARE HERE!

TIMELINE: 

Artist Sign-Ups: May 22-August 7 

Artist Claims Open:  August 6 

Final Check-In: August 30 

Final Drafts Due: Sept 18 

Posting Begins: September 21

THE BASICS:

One of the unique aspects of a big bang challenge is the combination of fic and fanart. Artists are welcome to create art in any medium they choose, including but not limited to: mixes, videos, podfics, gifs, drawings, paintings, graphics, edits, comics, physical crafts. Art is impossible to quantify, but we do ask that artists put in a significant effort in recognition of the work that the writers are doing on the fics. Authors will be writing their fics all summer and will be expending significant time on the project. A good benchmark for artists is about 15-20 hours of work, including brainstorming and planning.

The final product should be a collaboration between author and artist. What that collaboration looks like is a highly individual process: if you get a clear artistic vision, run with it; but you should also feel free to ask your author any questions you have along the journey. Artists and authors should share drafts with each other as they go so that when the final products are posted, they complement each other well.

SIGN UP HERE | JOIN THE BIG BANG DISCORD SERVER HERE

We have 5 wonderful Big Bang fics. Click the Read More for their summaries!

Fic 1: Take Me Out to the Ballgame Tentative Title: (not the title) take me out to the ballgame Pairing(s): Jon Favreau / Tommy Vietor Characters:  Jon Favreau, Tommy Vietor Ao3 Rating: E Warnings: No archive warnings apply Additional Tags: Baseball AU ; Coming Out ; Bisexual Characters ; Dating ; Alternate Universe - Different Meeting Summary: Jon and Tommy meet playing baseball in high school and start to fall for each other, then Tommy moves away. Their epic love story continues when they end up on the same Minor League baseball team. The big question is, will they end up with a World Series ring or an engagement ring? Fic 2: Spirits that I’ve Cited Tentative Title: Spirits that I've cited   Pairing(s): Tommy/Lovett; background Emily/Jon, Alyssa/Erin Characters: Tommy, Lovett, Favs, Emily, Alyssa, Erin, Dan Ao3 Rating: tentative M (for psychological horror and possible sex) Warnings: a non-consensual kiss under the influence of possession might happen, this scene is not yet written Additional Tags: paranormal investigators, slow burn, reluctant colleagues to friends to lovers, mutual pining, angst, hurt/comfort, accidental internet stars, bed-sharing, coming-out, road trips, witches getting married, demonic possession, ghosts, mythical creatures, Monster of the Week, psychological but non-graphical horror, slightly unreliable narrator, intoxication, magical mind control, themes of bodily and mental autonomy, (past) abusive relationships (not between main characters), possession induced mental health problems, worldbuilding, happy ending Summary:  It’s a cold day in November when Tommy meets Lovett and his life turns upside down. Which shouldn’t be the worst thing, looking at it objectively. 

Because, objectively, Tommy’s life already sucks. He is lonely, depressed, and Crooked Medium, the agency for paranormal investigations he co-owns with his ex-boyfriend Jared, is falling apart. Besides the shitty fact that he and Jared broke up, they constantly operate in the red, despite their best efforts. And it’s just the garbage cherry on top of the dumpster sundae that Jared and their only other core member, Jon, hate each other’s guts. Jon is Tommy's friend, but more importantly, he is Crooked Medium's exorcist par excellence, and for a former priest Tommy thought he might be better at the whole 'turn the other cheek' thing. He supposes that probably explains the 'former' part. So of course he panics when Jon unexpectedly buys out Jared’s shares in the company and offers Lovett a one-year apprenticeship as a medium and buys Jared shares of the agency. Suddenly Tommy’s faced with training a person who is not familiar with magic in one of the most dangerous jobs in the world, instead of relying on the experience Jared had. Despite the help from magical professors Alyssa and Dan, witch and shop-owner Erin, and their whole team—to Tommy it feels like Lovett’s credentialing next November is ages away. However, after a bonding experience involving ghost mice, Tommy slowly but surely discovers that Lovett isn’t an inconvenience at all. He is charming, attractive, hilarious, and way more talented than Tommy originally anticipated. Even their business improves, especially when they become an overnight internet sensation due to a malfunction. Instead of operating only in Boston, people across the country are now booking them to handle their mystical and paranormal problems. With each new case, Lovett learns more—and Tommy learns more about Lovett. This is unfortunate, given that Lovett is technically Tommy's intern, and the last thing Tommy needs is a harassment scandal. Tommy, naturally good at ignoring things, decides to ignore it. Which works out fine, thank you very much. At least up until Alyssa and Erin’s magical wedding in the woods. Or up until Lovett has a life-changing experience with a mirror. Or maybe even up until Lovett (plus Lovett's friend/household spirit Spencer) moves in. And just when Tommy thinks falling in love with his employee is his biggest problem, it turns out much more nefarious forces are at work. Fic #3: The gentle outline of the country we are building Tentative Title: The gentle outline of the country we are building  Pairing(s): Jon Favreau/Jon Lovett/Tommy Vietor, Jon Favreau/Jon Lovett, Jon Favreau/Tommy Vietor, Jon Lovett/Tommy Vietor Characters: Jon Favreau, Jon Lovett, Tommy Vietor, Dan Pfeiffer, Alyssa Mastromonaco, Cody Keenan, Michael O' Neill, Spencer Wong, Andy Favreau, Tanya Somanader, Travis Helwig Ao3 Rating: E Warnings: No archive warnings apply Additional Tags: DC era, LA era, pining, wrong number AU, polyamory, threesomes, jealousy, slow burn, friends with benefits, angst with a happy ending, getting together, smut, fluff, blowjobs, anal sex, rimming, dirty talk, sexting, drinking, marijuana, sex under mild influence of alcohol, friends to lovers.  AO3 (working) Summary: It takes spending the night in one room with a king-sized bed for Jon, Lovett, and Tommy to finally get it right after nearly a decade of trying.  AKA A story about Jon, Tommy, and Lovett getting together, aided and abetted by Jon’s technological ineptitude, misunderstandings, love, friendship, and longing.   Expanded summary: Jon and Lovett embark on a charged, text-based flirtation without knowing the other after Jon texts the wrong number during the 2008 general election campaign. It feels like a summer fling that wouldn’t end, just like those times Jon had slept with Tommy back in Chicago. But both of them do end, but at least Jon’s going to the White House with a new speechwriter and his best friend in tow. Jon thinks, not the right time then with Tommy, not the right time now with you, Lovett.   They write speeches and policies and learn lessons on how to build a country and a friendship. The first summer at the White House, Tommy starts taking Lovett to bed almost every night. Two years later, he stops, because Lovett knocks on his door one day and says, “I am leaving.” Not quite the right time for you and me.   Lovett spends his days in LA writing things very different from what he used to but thinking thoughts about Jon and Tommy that aren’t all that different. Jon and Tommy skype him from Chicago when his show gets canceled, and Lovett thinks about how right they look together on the screen, like they belong to each other. Jon comes to LA and doesn’t leave. Tommy moves closer, but not close enough. They lose everything when November 2016 dawns and then build an empire from the ruins, and over the next few months, they think, maybe it wasn’t the right time then, and maybe we did not do this before because we were always meant to do this together. All of us.   Fic 4: Loving Him was Red - Azure Title: loving him was red - azure Pairing(s): Jon Favreau/Dan Pfeiffer, background Michael/Elijah Characters: Jon, Dan, Tommy, Lovett, Alyssa, Michael, Elijah Rating: E Warnings: No major warnings apply Additional tags: alternate universe, actors, hollywood, tabloids, love at first sight, BDSM, like lots of BDSM, spanking, flogging, humiliation, painplay, safeword use, failed scene, alcohol, alcohol abuse, drug use and abuse, divorce, bad at communication Summary: Rising star Dan Pfeiffer meets grown-up child actor Jon Favreau on the set of the movie that just might be their big break. It's a good old-fashioned Hollywood story. Boy meets Boy. Boy falls head over heels at first sight. Boy marries Boy. Boy ties Boy up and fucks him til he screams. But the Hollywood lights hit every dark shadow too and as the tabloids stir up gossip; as Jon spends more and more time at the club; and as Dan starts to wonder what comes next, the faultlines widen and their marriage falls into the abyss This is the first of a three fic arc chronicling the beginning, end, and re-beginning of an epic love story. Fic 5: Invisible String

Tentative Title:  Invisible String Pairing(s): Jon Favreau / Tommy Vietor Characters: Jon Favreau, Tommy Vietor Ao3 Rating: Explicit Warnings: NO WARNINGS   Additional Tags: affection, holding hands, chase sequence, shaving (face), mention of pod sponsors, wills & estates, cartoon villains, clothes sharing, Boston, plane flights, current day/LA era,Summary: Human boatshoe Tommy Vietor discovers he can claim a huge inheritance if he can prove he is married. If he does not, the $40 million fortune will go to the National Rifle Association. Best friend Jon Favreau steps up to help Tommy out. The NRA hires investigators to find information in order to break the will, chasing our boys all over Boston at one point. 

[hellreads]

Chapters: 3/? Fandom: 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS Rating: Mature Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Jeon Jungkook/Reader, Kim Taehyung | V/Reader Characters: Jeon Jungkook, Kim Taehyung | V, Jung Hoseok | J-Hope, Kim Namjoon | RM, Min Yoongi | Suga, Kim Jinhwan, Kim Jisoo (BLACKPINK) Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Supernatural Elements, Werewolf Jeon Jungkook, Angst, Fluff, Smut, Cheating, there will be a love triangle whoops, tags will be added as the story progresses, Mutual Pining, Memory Loss

Summary:

In a world of supernatural beings, a normal human like yourself always found attraction and wonder towards these creatures. It was your kind heart that led you to become a doctor to treat such people. And it was your kind heart that led you into the arms of a young Alpha wolf who will accidentally force you down a path you were never meant to follow...

“...I don’t remember him, and I know how I’m supposed to feel but…” “This is what feels right to me.”

after a long battle with my reader’s block this is the first fic that I finished in one go and I found myself falling in love with reading again and I may have fallen for werewolves and warlocks too along the way. anyways, I highly suggest you listen to Walk Through the Fire by Zayde Wolf ft. Ruelle before you start reading to set the mood, also, if you aren’t familiar with Howl’s Moving Castle (well I highly suggest you read/watch this because this is gold!) you could google Howl Jenkins Pendragon to have an idea of Taehyung’s visual inspiration for this fic.

[SPOILERS AHEAD - this is me telling this story to my close friends, this is how i chat them my latest reads, in detail with a lot of inserts in between gasdhjgfakjs also rip this is an essay it’s been awhile since i shared my thoughts~]

I shouldn’t be babbling like this since this is an on-going story but whatever I’m so in love with this so please bear with me, I actually had this fic saved on my reader for weeks, found this one fateful night when I was craving to hurt my heart with an infidelity fic so I browsed and filtered ao3 results and got this and last night I clicked the title because I assumed this is inspired by Zayde Wolf’s song (which I fell for because of a zombie fic that had this on it’s playlist) and I devoured this like a starved woman and I ~

so this actually escalates quickly from Jungkook and MC’s first meeting filled with some bicker and banter,  to meeting Namjoon and Jungkook while she’s with her best friend Jisoo well MC is not afraid of the supernatural so they wanted to test her how she’ll react to Jungkook’s true form and she’s up for it and then everything happened all at once, in that moment Jungkook found comfort in her, she was her mate...

so this is where it’ll start to hurt and I kinda understand and not understand Jungkook’s logic here maybe it’s because he’s a wolf? or his prior experiences with other human’s changed him? the lack of sexual intimacy started all of this mess, If only Jungkook tested the waters and tried talking to MC if she wants to do it and they could take it slow but also he’s a supernatural, a wolf, and he’ll most likely lose control once he gets to have a taste of her and it’s probably one of his concerns that’s why instead of mating with her and marking her he decided to spend the night with wolves from his own pack, srsly my heart dropped when she saw what’s happening in his bedroom, she was ready to seduce him and step up her game BUT no he was fucking cheating on her, I get that he’s in heat and it’ll be wild and he’ll probably hurt MC but whyyyy Jungkook? after reading that scene I knew I would hate him...

hate is a strong word but that’s how I felt and I just wish somebody would find and save her, based on the tags I made up scenarios in my head, I had no clue about Taehyung being a warlock so I was kinda hoping he’s a human that’ll sweep her off her feet BUT the scenario that followed was much better and adds so much *chef’s kiss* flavor to the story, so Taehyung is a warlock, like Howl Jenkins Pendragon (well he’s a wizard dealing with general/good magic while warlocks are associated with black/dark magic yet Tae is vv chill so far~), my favorite studio ghibli character, I was so ecstatic reading his description plus a few elements from the story/movie were also incorporated into the story that’s why i’m so so so happy, so fast forward to MC waking up in Taehyung’s place (I actually forgot to mention I was kinda relieved that Irene and Bo Young didn’t tell Jungkook the whole story [for added drama yasss!] but I guess if he really care about her he would’ve felt it in him that she’s somewhere and he needs to do everything in his power to seek her and not just let his guilt eat him while he fucks his lust, sigh Jungkook you fucked up badly, wait til...) so this is where you’ll start to fall for Taehyung (because that’s what happened to me) everything they did made my heart flutter it was just some flirting here and there and genuine concern from Taehyung wanting to help MC regain her memories, again, I was a little embarrassed and hurt for MC when she told Tae  “What if I want to touch you?” and got a response “You’ll just have to resist,” poor babe she just wants to feel something ~ idk how warlocks are in fics during sex maybe they’re dangerous too that’s why Taehyung is trying his best to resist and ignore her flirting whenever it gets too much he wants to give in.

now that readers like me have fallen for Taehyung and was hoping for a better future for MC ~ hmmm just a random thought wouldn’t it be nice to lose your memories when your partner cheats on you? and they still have every single detail of the horrible things they’ve done while your mind is free of pain, you get to retain the feeling and lessons learned but you have no clue what life experience brought you that wisdom, ahhh beautiful, I love when people suffer and pay for their sins.~ Namjoon suddenly shows up and does everything to take MC back to Jungkook and he fails then tells him everything and now he just wants to find her, still shocked that if she really was her mate and loves her ughhh he’d get the feeling that she’s still alive unless Taehyung had some protective spell cast on her while he helps her get better? idk my mind is filled with so many questions and possibilities and i’m suffering.

Chapter #3 so this is how it goes huh? she reunites with her best friend that helps her reunite with her “boyfriend” ngl I was hoping she’d be able to spend more time with Taehyung, that he will take her and fulfill his words “Then you can continue being my Love.” I want her to be happy with Taehyung, she belongs with him, that’s why things happened and Jungkook failed to mark her because he was busy with marking others ughhh, okay I appreciate Jungkook’s gesture and sincerity to make it up to her but once her memories come rushing back things will never be the same, it’ll only prove her that her feelings were right, being with Taehyung, that’s what’s right. but since we're only 3 chapters in i’m looking forward to having our hearts swayed back in forth into Jungkook then Taehyung and back to Jungkook and rolling and jumping back to Taehyung until we’re perpetually torn and confused. 

I just want to be back in Taehyung’s arms (that’s the immersive me talking) | 🍒🍒🍒🍒🍒 

[goofygoldengirl]

Ok Everyone I’m On A Roll Today

I’m gonna give you a proper explanation as to why we’ll never get a Led Zeppelin movie.

Buckle up cause this is gonna get long. 

We, as classic rock fans live in an age of reminiscence. We take out our records, cds, mp3s and sit back, relax, and think of the glory days that we’ve never experienced if we’re under the age of 50. Even though we’re decently mainstream, The Queen movie Bohemian Rhapsody took interest in classic rock to new heights. It was critically acclaimed, Rami Malek won an oscar, and fans of other bands of the 60s-80s stirred with anticipation for the day they would get their band in the limelight. A fan, like myself, and many others, knowing that 2019 marks the 50th anniversary of Led Zeppelin’s (also referred here as LZ) creation (although they officially got together in 1968) perhaps are wondering if they are going to get a surprise biopic announcement in the near future.

However, I have come to crush everybody’s dreams. The answer is never as long as the remaining band members are still alive. Now before y’all get out your pitchforks, let’s focus our attention to the most important member of this debate: guitarist James Patrick Page, also known as Jimmy Page, Pagey, and Jimmurs back in the deviantart LZ community in 2010.

Although Led Zeppelin arose from the planning and careful selection of the higher ups at Atlantic Records (mostly manager Peter Grant although Jimmy was the one who went out to find members) Led Zeppelin, is Jimmy Page’s masterpiece, his opus magnum, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he thought of his band to be like one of his children, perhaps his favorite. Understandably, he was devastated when the band broke up after drummer John Bonham’s death from alcohol poisoning, and everybody knows he wants the band to be back together in some shape or form. This of course sparked a feud with singer Robert Plant, who also understandably was doing well in his solo career and wanted to move on. Depending on who you talk to, it’s never really been officially resolved despite the 2007 concert and Robert’s final declaration that he will never do anything Led Zeppelin related ever again, Jimmy has focused on other matters such as remixing LZ albums and releasing concert dvds. In addition to that, there are several other matters worth pointing out. In the past, and even to this day, it was extremely difficult to get ahold of LZ songs to use in tv and movie soundtracks because Jimmy, unofficially “in charge” of LZ music distribution is overprotective of how his music is used (probably stemming from LZ’s hatred of concert bootleggers but that’s a different story). We also have a long history of lawsuits that accuse LZ of plagiarism and ripoffs stemming from the 70s, that have taken a hit to LZ’s musical reputation. Looking at Jimmy’s defensive stance over the band’s music and public image, we segway to our next question.

Can a Led Zeppelin movie give an authentic and enjoyable experience for audiences?

We know from the nearly ten year saga to create a Queen movie that there was a lot of contention between the remaining band members and directors over portrayal of the members’ personal lives within Queen, and Queen pushing for a more family friendly image. In the end, the movie earned a PG 13 rating, an acceptable negotiation for both parties, and a good rating to draw in an audience. Assuming that using this model will bring in the most amount of money and recognition for future biopic movies, we shall apply it to the band Led Zeppelin.

A PG 13 rated Led Zeppelin movie would be impossible to do. No offense to Queen (they’re my second favorite band behind Zep so I’m allowed to say this) but they are tame compared to the antics that Led Zeppelin got up to back in their heyday. We’re talking about what you imagine when you think of the rock n roll lifestyle. Loud music, jet setting, partying all night, sex, drugs, trashing hotel rooms, groupies, more drugs, more sex, getting trashed at the club, pump it up baby a whole hecka lotta YOW times10! Led Zeppelin were a bunch of party animal freaks (Bassist John Paul Jones is debatable but there was New Orleans)and well you could attempt to focus directly on the music, but a lot of the music in the later years ties into that crazy rock n roll lifestyle (Sick Again from Physical Graffiti and For Your Life from Presence) and Jimmy Page’s descent into heroin addiction and John Bonham’s gradual and tragic deterioration from years of alcohol abuse had a profound affect on how the band members got along during the In Through The Outdoor sessions and is the reason why it still has a very mixed reception and is ranked low on favorite LZ albums.

A rated R movie could work, you may say. I mean look at the Doors movie. Yeah but even though The Doors got trippy and Jim Morrison was a character man, a Led Zeppelin rated R movie would be a very hard rated R. Again, this goes back to all the tour commotion, where especially in the early years, a lot of sordid stuff happened. And I know you’re thinking, I can live watching a couple of sex scenes. Oh sweet summer child who has not gone through the threshold of transitioning from a Led Zeppelin fan who strictly listens to their music to searching out their history, inspiration, stories from the countless biographies out there, we are talking about some fucked up stuff that I am not gonna even talk about in this post for fear of invoking the wrath of the tumblr flag gods, and that the more sensitive leaning people might consider to be NC17 stuff. And there is a difference between detailing this information in a niche book that only diehard fans will pick up, and putting it in a movie intended for everybody and no shit sherlock you will get controversy. 

And you may ask, who are the subjects of such controversial tales? Basically everybody, although as we said JPJ falls into bassists are usually boring category, Robert Plant had a pretty good amount of moments because no shit he was hot back then and who wouldn’t go wild over him. And our main offenders of depravity and strife? John Bonham, Jimmy Page, and special mention to tour manager (and subject of much controversy within the Led Zeppelin fandom itself) Richard Cole. And if based on director’s tendencies to capture the authentic even if it involves shock content, the depictions of these three men will garner a lot of attention. While John Bonham is dead and cannot speak for himself, the other two can. Based on Richard Cole’s tell all contributions to the classic 1980s publication that detailed LZ’s rise and fall, Hammer of The Gods, he’ll probably just pop up out of the woodworks and bask in the next 15 minutes of fame. But Jimmy? James Patrick I will do anything to keep Led Zeppelin’s reputation in a good light Page? Oh he’ll have a field day alright. And it’s not just bracing ourselves for the inevitable telling directors what they can and cannot put in, it’s also opening the huge, sticky, labeled with a giant TRIGGER WARNING can of worms what exactly Jimmy was doing that would be so controversial both then and now. Now, I know that everyone in the Led Zeppelin fandom knows what I’m about to say, probably some in the classic rock fandom in general who knows things here and there, too, but this is for everybody who doesn’t know. Jimmy Page in the 1970s dated teenage girls. And to clarify, I’m not talking about that gray line that people debate about of 18 technically signaling adult years, yet is still a vulnerable age, I’m talking about girls, minors, who were14-16 when he was nearly or in his 30s. And the relationship that is the most documented (Lori Maddox for the LZ fans reading) oh my god, it is just messed up. Like basically stalked and kidnapped her so they could meet, and in the relationship locked her up in hotel rooms while he was in concerts messed up. You might say it was the 70s, they just turned a blind eye well honey it’s 2019, and a topic as dicey as a grown ass man going after children is not gonna be ignored in this day and age where people are starting to pay more attention to issues like these. I know that if a director decides to devote a segment of that movie to that part of Jimmy’s past (and present if you think about him going out with 20 something year old women when he’s in his 70s) it will basically destroy his own reputation. Which is very, very much intertwined with Led Zeppelin’s. So if he takes a hit, LZ does too, and he cannot afford to let that happen. And if this means having to decline an offer for a biopic in order to preserve a sliver of integrity that is just dangling by a thread as old news becomes common knowledge, so be it. 

Oh yeah the christians will probably get wound up again about LZ being satanic or some shit due to Alestier Crowley and the whole playing Stairway to Heaven backwards thing but hey they’re irrelevant to this discussion

So the TLDR: We’re never getting a Led Zeppelin movie. Reputation is everything to Jimmy Page and a movie that goes into some hardcore detail about band “shenanigans” will serve us a whopping discourse for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, that will get the movie, and the band slammed hard. 

[queermediastudies]

Defending Gay Rights: A Hard and Lasting Fight

Milk is a biographical film, telling the story of gay politician Harvey Milk, released in 2008. This film received eight nominations for the 81st Academy Awards, and Sean Penn (act as Harvey Milk) won the Best Actor.

This film tells the story of the 1970s, Harvey Milk met Scott Smith on the subway and they fell in love at first sight. They decided to move to San Francisco and started a photography equipment store together. Gradually, their store became a gathering place for gay couples. With more and more gay people came, Milk and Scott found that people in the U.S. are still conservative and discriminatory toward homosexuality, and the government and police were really rude to gay people, so Milk decided to run for city supervisor to change the unequal situation. Because he spent all his time on politics, Scott finally left him. Milk was defeated many times, but with the help of a lesbian assistant, he was elected as a city supervisor and became the first openly gay politician in the U.S. history. Milk used media and public speeches to express his political views and got the support of the mayor. Since Milk took office, he constantly fought for gay rights and promoted the act of legalize homosexuality. Soon after, Milk was murdered by conservative member Dan White. His death awakened local gay people and made them start to fight for their own rights.

In the 1970s, the U.S. was in a turbulent time, under cultural, commercial and political reforms. Many traditional ideas were questioned, and people started to rethink about homosexuality. The lesbian and gay movement that seemed to appear “spontaneously” across the country shortly after the 1969 Stonewall riots in New York City (Gross, 2001. p.21). Several years later, in 1977, San Francisco politics was taken by storm when gay rights activist Harvey Milk was elected to the Board of Supervisors. Milk was the pioneer of gay politics, he woke up the street, the city, even the nation, and gave gay people powerful voices. His election was a triumph over anti-gay stereotypes and inspired a new generation of civic activists across the U.S. However, the process was extremely tough and he even lost his life. Until nowadays, there are still lots of prejudices and abuses on gay people, and only 28 countries in the world recognize same-sex marriage. The fight for gay rights has never stopped. The issues Milk fought for forty years ago are still being fought over today, it’s a hard and lasting struggle.

There were countless people who devote their lives to gay rights movements, and also sacrificed for it. They held beliefs, fought against political machines and tried hard to change society. Milk was never discouraged after campaign setbacks. He didn’t only focus on win and rights, instead practicing his belief "equality before the Constitution". He believed that homosexuals should not just rely on liberals, but should bravely "step out of the closet" and insist bottom-up struggle. They have to support each other, strengthen their momentum and fight against all discrimination and inequality. When several States passed the proposition that dismiss homosexual teachers in schools, Milk blocked this proposition in California through his own efforts. He spoke to the public, “All men are created equal and endowed with certain inalienable rights”. The film ends in tragedy, but the scene that countless people walking on the street, lighting the candle to memorize Milk really moved me. The bullet shouted on him also destroyed every closet door. It was not an end. “The movement would continue, because it’s not about personal gain, not about ego or power, it’s about the ‘us’ s’ out there.” Milk's death symbolized the irrational retaliation of the conservatives for the change of ideas and society. The director combined Milk's murder and Jack’s suicide, setting off the tragic atmosphere of the ending, while metaphorizing the inevitable outcome of resistance to power or mainstream society.

Harvey Milk’s Speech 

In the film, the director Gus Van Sant used a lot of real interview materials and news clips of the 1970s, and the color of the whole movie was blue and gray, many scenes were made with retro effects. Harvey Milk uses his life to fight for Proposition 6, which was about equal employment of gay people. Milk was released in 2008, and in the same year, California passed Proposition 8, which prohibits gay marriage. Over 30 years, society seems to have improved a lot, but gay right is still an unsolved problem. There is no compromise between religion and politics, and homosexuality is the biggest victim between them. It's a tragedy that the most basic civil rights of gay people still need to strive for. Although Proposition 8 was quickly overturned shortly after its entry into force, this incident still hurt many gay people. The U.S. always claims to be free and equal, but sometimes, it’s just a name, because they’re only for those who have enjoyed the “freedom and equality”.

Castro Street in San Francisco is the most famous gay community, all people can live openly and enjoy their life. When I was in New York, I saw lots of stores hang on rainbow flag, gay couples can hug and kiss on street. After almost fifty years fight, the U.S. indeed make lots of changes, and become more inclusive about queer people.  Of course, such open-mindedness does not apply to the whole country. For many gays and lesbians, coming out of the closet still risks familial banishment, the loss of friendships, or even violence. In many places it’s still dangerous to be gay. Homosexuals continue to face higher rates of depression than heterosexuals, and gay teenagers attempt suicide more frequently than their straight peers (Kirchick, 2019).

The situation is much worse in worldwide. For non-western countries, “queer” lacks social recognition and understanding, and for religious countries, same-sex love is still considered as taboo, and some even have death penalty about homosexuals. In Kenyan, homosexuals mean abnormal, confused, and depressed, and same-sex desire is tied to perversion, inverted natural desire, and unnatural compulsion. From a religious perspective, resistance to identity is further complicated by the sedimented narrative that homosexuality is seen as a mental disorder in need of treatment (Goltz et al, 2016. P.112). In China, only 3% of gay and bisexual men and 5% of lesbians and bisexual women identified themselves as ‘completely out’. I have several Chinese friends who are gay. I know how hard for them to struggle against the mainstream culture and family pressures.

Go back to the U.S, despite the rapid progress of the gay rights movement, members of the LGBTQ community continue to be targets of violence and hate crimes. The Trump administration has rolled back a number of transgender protections at the federal level and emboldened a conservative base pushing for religious liberty. Haider Markel said, “Even for the gay and lesbian community, rapid progress in a short period of time doesn’t mean victory, and attitudes about same-sex marriage have remained mostly frozen since 2017” (Schmidt, 2019).

Lots of people devoted their lives to fight for gay rights over the past fifty years. Challenging traditions and mainstream culture are really hard and I appreciate that things are go toward to better direction, but there’s still discriminations and prejudices about queer exits in different fields. Many great activists like Milk have made a good start, we cannot just stop here. In addition, I feel that the film Milk is not just about gay civil rights movement. Milk’s experience has brought inspiration to all minority and disadvantaged groups. It’s not an end, but a start. Milk passed down his hope, brave and idealism, more and more people will join in this hard and lasting fight.

References:

Goltz, Dustin Bradley et al. (2016). “Discursive Negotiations of Kenyan LGBTI Identities: Cautions in Cultural Humility.” Journal of International and Intercultural Communication 9, 104-121.

Gross, Larry (2001). “Ch 2: Coming Out and Coming Together.” Up from Invisibility: Lesbians, Gay Men, and the Media in America, 21-39.

Kirchick, James. (2019). “The Struggle for Gay Rights Is Over.” The Atlantic. Retrieved October 31, 2019, from https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2019/06/battle-gay-rights-over/592645/

Schmidt, Samantha (2019). “Americans’ views flipped on gay rights. How did minds change so quickly?” The Washington Post. Retrieved October 31, 2019, from https://www.washingtonpost.com/local/social-issues/americans-views-flipped-on-gay-rights-how-did-minds-change-so-quickly/2019/06/07/ae256016-8720-11e9-98c1-e945ae5db8fb_story.html

[lokilickedme]

Part 3 of Read By Loki Laufeyson - Fifty Shades of Grey

Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own (no longer available there) 

Rating:  Mature

Archive Warning:  No Archive Warnings Apply

Category:  F/M

Fandom:  Loki - Fandom, Loki (Marvel) - Fandom, The Avengers (MarvelMovies), Tom Hiddleston - Fandom

Relationship:  Loki/His Book, Ana/Christian

Character:  Loki, Loki Laufeyson, Loki (Marvel), Ana Steele, Christian Grey

Additional Tags:  Explicit Language, this book deserves its own warning tag, one that says DON'T READ ME, Explicit Sexual Content, lame and exceedingly silly descriptions of sex acts

Series:  Part 3 of Read by Loki Laufeyson

Stats:  Originally Published 2016-02-27   Words: 3386 (original version)

Part One:  The Night Manager

Part Two:  High Rise

   50 Shades of Grey, Read By Loki Laufeyson by lokilickedme 

Summary:  Loki reads 50 Shades and throws up multiple times. I would offer my apologies to E.L. James, but she doesn't deserve it. 

Notes:  See the end of the work for notes  

  This shitshow gets on the shaky road with a dedication that made the right side of my face twitch before the story even got started.  It's dedicated to "the master of my universe" and as of right this very moment I'm ready to preemptively toss it into the bathroom, not as reading material for my next luxury soak, but as a replacement for the empty roll of toilet paper that I keep forgetting to run to the store for.  Fuck me people, she didn't even capitalize "master" and ANY GOOD SUB KNOWS THAT NOT CAPITALIZING MASTER IS A MASSIVE SHOW OF DISRESPECT AND YOU DESERVE THE ASS BEATING YOU GET FOR IT - WITH ZERO AFTERCARE.  Don't ask me how I know that, but go ahead and fight me, this is a hill I’m willing to die on.  If this person is writing a book that's touted as an even remotely accurate accounting of a Dom/sub relationship, I can tell you right now, she doesn't know jack shit. 

So I've read a couple of pages and I'm already looking around for my seizure meds when I realize I don't take seizure meds.  I will after this, I might as well go ahead and call it in.  I'm to the part about Wanda the Volkswagon when my anticipatory boner not only goes away, but retracts so far up into my scrotum as a result of the most horrendous writing I've seen this side of Thor's second grade book report on Anne of Green Gables that I'm thinking I might just be female now.  I mean seriously?  This hurts.  I’m not even exaggerating, if you have a penis it’s going to draw up into your gall bladder.  If you have a vulva it’s going to need a vat of Burt’s Bees Extra Moisture Replenishing Salve and a bottle of cranberry capsules.  I’m not even female at the moment and this thing gave me a flaming UTI.

 I’m not sure Wanda, my old VW Beetle, would make the journey in time.  Oh, the Merc is a fun drive, and the miles slip away as I floor the pedal to the metal. 

People, this is a published book.  Someone got paid for this.  It got made into a movie.  I haven't even gotten to the sex yet and I'm already Google mapping monasteries within a one-hundred mile radius because I'm ready to take my vows.  No, this book hasn't made me believe in a higher power.  It has taken away my will to ever get laid again.

 The elevator whisks me with terminal velocity to the twentieth floor. 

Holy fucking shitballs people, terminal velocity by its very definition means someone is going to die.  Is this person wearing a pressurized speed suit?  Do they hand them to you at the door before you go into the elevator?  How does the building tolerate the mechanics of generating that kind of speed?  And if by some random blessing by some random god who won't be getting any thanks from me she actually survived this trip to the twentieth floor, her brains would be leaking out her asshole.  That's not the way to make a good first impression, sweetheart.  Take the fucking stairs next time.

 It’s a stunning vista, and I’m momentarily paralyzed by the view.  Wow. 

Yes, wow.  Paralysis is rarely ever momentary darling, and it does ugly things to pretty girls.  Like, rendering you a jelly-like heap on the floor because your muscles don't continue working while you're paralyzed.  Paralysis sort of means your muscles have stopped working. 

I've begun highlighting every word I come across that the author obviously doesn't know the definition to.  Fake it till you make it, right darling?  Five pages in and my yellow pen has died a violent death.

 I push open the door and stumble through, tripping over my own feet, and falling head first into the office. Double crap – me and my two left feet! 

YOU. 

HAVE. 

GOT. 

TO. 

BE. 

FUCKING. 

KIDDING. 

ME.

In what universe is this ridiculous cutesy sort of shit thought to be amusing?  The cliches are giving me hemorrhoids.  Me and my two left feet?  Not that I'm an expert on Earth terminology and phrasing, but I'm fairly certain people stopped saying shit like that around 1962.  And...I can't believe I'm being forced to say this, but - double crap??  I was already calling my brother a bilgesnipe’s vagina by the time I could crawl, I'm pretty sure the last time I said something as immature and amateurishly silly as double crap I was still in the womb and cursing in Morse Code.  I may actually have even still been a sperm in my father's left testicle.  How old is this writer?

 “Um. Actually–” I mutter.  If this guy is over thirty then I’m a monkey’s uncle.  In a daze, I place my hand in his and we shake.  As our fingers touch, I feel an odd exhilarating shiver run through me.  I withdraw my hand hastily, embarrassed.  Must be static.  I blink rapidly, my eyelids matching my heart rate. 

I'm sorry but I really don't even know where to start.  The Um. Actually- ?  Or the I'm a monkey's uncle?  Maybe it's the staccato pacing?  The elementary school sentence structure?  The fact that all but one sentence of that paragraph has the word I in it, sometimes multiple times?  She placed her hand in his and they shook - sort of like I'm shaking right now.  It's the seizures this damn travesty has provoked, honestly I should sue the author for my prescription costs.  And if that girl's eyelids matched her heart rate then I'm just envisioning one of those blinky-eyed cupie dolls strapped to a paint mixing machine.

 “I own my company.  I don’t have to answer to a board.”  He raises an eyebrow at me.  I flush. 

Yes darling, always do a courtesy flush when the stench is really vomit-inducing.  Like now.  I'm not even going to ask if this conversation is taking place in a bathroom because I can tell you honestly, the bathroom is right where it belongs.

 His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel...or something. 

Something...like, maybe shit, perhaps?

 I shake my head to gather my wits. My heart is pounding a frantic tattoo - 

No darling, trust me, it's not.  A tattoo is something you draw on your body, there's no pounding involved unless you've done the drawing on your vagina.  And if you’re referring to the drum beat, then you should just say so because frankly this is meant to be a sex book and your readers aren’t going to be interested in Googling your sophomoric attempts at using interesting words.  And just as an aside, most humans are going to think of a Scottish marching band when you use that word in that context, and the last thing you want your readers thinking about while you’re sliding into a smut scene is men in plaid skirts blowing bagpipes.

 I am utterly thrown by the sight of him standing before me.  My memories of him did not do him justice.  He’s not merely good-looking – he’s the epitome of male beauty, breathtaking - 

Hold on a second, I wasn't aware I was in this book?  I must have been drunk.  I'm not sure that I would consent to this idiocy even if I was soused off my gourd, so I think I'm going to be filing a second lawsuit for character theft.

 - and he’s here.  Here in Clayton’s Hardware Store.  Go figure. 

Yes, go figure sweetiepie.  Everybody, even handsome people, need replacement U-joints for their toilets.  They come in handy when you're trying to flush books.

 Finally my cognitive functions are restored and reconnected with the rest of my body. 

Honey, cognitive functions aren't a part of your body, they're a part of your brain.  So unless your head fell off while you were walking around in Clayton's Hardware Store, I doubt this happened.  If it did, my condolences to Mr Clayton and the other shoppers, I know how traumatic that can be.

 And from a very tiny, underused part of my brain – 

You mean the whole thing?

 - probably located at the base of my medulla oblongata where my subconscious dwells – comes the thought: He’s here to see you. 

I just had another seizure.  It’s a sex book darling, stop trying to use seventy-five cent Merriam Webster words and settle for something along the lines of My fucking head exploded - trust me, at this point your readers will relate to that far more than to the concept of subconscious thought.  Or any thought at all.  And we all know it’s highly unlikely Miss Double Crap Wanda-driving headless-in-Clayton’s-Hardware store is capable of coming up with a term like medulla oblongata after that terminal velocity elevator ride.

 No way! I dismiss it immediately.  Why would this beautiful, powerful, urbane man want to see me?  The idea is preposterous, and I kick it out of my head.

 And now your head is completely empty, much like the author's, because that poorly constructed series of sentences was all that was rattling around in there. 

For the sake of moving this along, because I have something to say about literally every fucking sentence in this roll of rough-ass toilet paper, I'm going to skip to the first round of sex and see if anything improves.  Because that's what people do when things aren't going well, isn't it?  They have sex and see if it gets better?  And then if it doesn't, you kick them out and finish up with a fresh pack of batteries and a few minutes of Skinamax and when you wake up in the morning it'll be a whole new day, sunshine.  Because honestly, I just got to the part where her cheeks went the color of the Communist Manifesto and if I don't get to some penis and vagina action I'm going to kill myself.  Besides that, all this double crap inner monologue is starting to make my ballsack clench up. 

So alright people, I've got my lube and my right hand ready, let's get this party started shall we?

  "Does this mean you’re going to make love to me tonight, Christian?”  Holy shit.  Did I just say that? 

Well it certainly wasn't me.  Having medulla oblongata issues again, are we sweetheart?

 His mouth drops open slightly, but he recovers quickly.  “No, Anastasia it doesn’t.  Firstly, I don’t make love.  I fuck... hard." 

Finally, someone steps up.  Is that the sound of zippers headed south I hear?

 "Secondly, there’s a lot more paperwork to do, and thirdly, you don’t yet know what you’re in for.  You could still run for the hills.  Come, I want to show you my playroom.” 

Nope, my mistake.  Zippers firmly holding north.  How far is this fellow going to count?  Do people actually do that cheesy little “Firstly, secondly” speech tic all the way up to thirdly?  I usually only get to secondly before someone pops me in the mouth.  Somehow I have no trouble envisioning this obviously anal retentive Christian fellow proceeding right along to fourthly, fifthly, sixthly, seventhly...perhaps he has a numbers fetish to go along with that paperwork obsession of his.  If this is foreplay I'm leaving because math was never my strong point and I’ll be damned if I’m going to relive the hell of ninth grade just to get a two page smut scene.  If you want to have sex with me we get to firstly, I point to my zipper, and the game is on.  But he does get points for being forthright enough to come right out up front with the admission that he's such a rough fucker there have to be contracts involved.  Kudos my man.  Too bad he wrecked it by planting that playroom visual immediately after, because now all I can think about is a toybox full of Legos and a plastic xylophone.  Even I can't make anything kinky out of that.

 My mouth drops open.  Fuck hard!  Holy shit, that sounds so... hot.  But why are we looking at a playroom?  I am mystified.  “You want to play on your Xbox?” 

Yes darling, Fuck hard!  It sounds like a Bruce Willis movie, only this time he's not in an office building crawling through the ceiling or on an airplane fighting off terrorists, he's tied to a bed while Bonnie Bedelia drips hot wax on his scrotes.  It's a real shame we lost Alan Rickman, I'd give anything to see Hans Gruber standing at the foot of the bed in a leather corset intoning Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker just one more time.

As for playing on his Xbox, the Sims have a "whoo hoo" function.  That's all I'm going to say about that.

 - it feels like I’ve time-traveled back to the sixteenth century and the Spanish Inquisition.  Holy fuck. 

Ah yes, the good old days of the Inquisition.  I had quite a wonderful time during that era, it was a sado-masochistic wet dream.  And no, I wasn't an Inquisitor...I worked as a volunteer equipment tester for the Vatican.  There wasn't a steel spiked ball cage or 360-degree nipple twister that earned my seal of approval until I screamed for my mommy.  Something tells me this pansy-ass little ninny isn't going to make it past the electroshock vulva clamps before she's crying for every matriarchal figure in her family all the way back to the Charlemagne era.

 “It’s about gaining your trust and your respect, so you’ll let me exert my will over you.  I will gain a great deal of pleasure, joy even, in your submission.  The more you submit, the greater my joy – it’s a very simple equation.”  “Okay, and what do I get out of this?”  He shrugs and looks almost apologetic.  “Me,” he says simply. 

Um...no. Just no.  Unequivocally NO.  That isn't how it works, E.L. James.  Not in the slightest.  In a true Dom/sub relationship the submissive receives every bit as much as the Dominant, and there is no two ways around that.  Anything less is bullshit and whoever you're trying to force-feed this lie to should leave running and punch you in the crotch on the way out.  I sincerely hope anyone reading this nonsense is doing so on a dare and not because they want to learn about D/s dynamics, because you're obviously not going to learn anything from this book except how to be a lip-biting ningnong who doesn't do much more than chat merrily with herself inside her medulla oblongata while mentally spouting double crap! on repeat every thirty-seven seconds.  And any respect I had for this Grey fellow for being up front about his sexual preferences just went out the window, which coincidentally is where the lip-biting ningnong should be headed.  Like he said - you could still run for the hills. 

Skipping ahead...skipping ahead...my god are these idiots ever going to do it?  I'm on page 194 and so far the closest they've come to coitus is when he almost ejaculated in his pants in an apoplectic rage when she told him she was a virgin.

 “Ah,” I groan. 

Ack, I puke.

 “You smell so good,” he murmurs and closes his eyes, a look of pure pleasure on his face, and I practically convulse.  He reaches up and tugs the duvet off the bed, then pushes me gently so I fall on to the mattress. 

I'm practically convulsing too darling, but unfortunately not with pleasure.  I need more anti-seizure meds, I've already gone through the entire bottle.  I'll be starting on the Xanax next and then it’s another call to my HMO.

 I’m panting... wanting. 

I'm vomiting...heaving.

 Not taking his eyes off mine, again he runs his tongue along my instep and then his teeth.  Shit.  I groan... how can I feel this, there? 

Hold up a second - this is a man who is so persnickety he pulls the duvet off the bed before he lets her set her ass on it, but now less than a page later he's just removed her sneaker and is licking the bottom of her sweaty all-day Converse encased foot?  My capacity for suspension of disbelief is not only wavering at this point, it’s pretty much died a slow and painful death.  Which is what I feel like I’m doing.  And if a man is holding eye contact while licking the bottom of your foot, he’s either upside down or your leg is so high up in the air he could be looking up your hooch and seeing himself through your left nostril.

“How do you make yourself come?  I want to see.”  I shake my head.  “I don’t,” I mumble.

I call bullshit.  She’s twenty-one, a virgin, and has never diddled herself?  That’s about as likely as me never having had intercourse with a horse.

“Let go, baby,” he murmurs.  His teeth close around my nipple, and his thumb and finger pull hard, and I fall apart in his hands, my body convulsing and shattering into a thousand pieces.

Huh.  And here all this time I’ve been laboring under the delusion that more was required than just two short paragraphs worth of nipple play.  This girl is a physical wonder, her nipples are clitorises.  Clitori?  Clitterati?  However you say multiple clits.  I know playing with them feels nice and I’ve made more than one maiden squirm with a few well placed sucks and a pinch or two, but this girl was climaxing before he even got her out of her brassiere.  Someone get her a job at the Kinsey Institute.

Suddenly, he sits up and tugs my panties off and throws them on the floor.

I hope they didn’t land on the duvet, he went to such trouble to keep it from getting mussed.

Pulling off his boxer briefs, his erection springs free.  Holy cow...

Rather like a jack-in-the-box, I’m envisioning.  Holy cow indeed.  Twist the handle and Pop Goes The Weasel plays while you wait in panicked anticipation for that horrid little clown to burst out of the hinged metal box and scare the shit out of you.  Well, he did say playroom, didn’t he.  Oh, and boxers and briefs are two entirely different things, my dear.  The further we get into this silly little tale the more convincing my sneaking suspicion that the author has never actually met a man before.

“I’m going to fuck you now, Miss Steele” he murmurs as he positions the head of his erection at the entrance of my sex.

I’m sorry, I know I’m an adult and all but I’m giggling like a sixth grade girl that wandered into the wrong locker room at school.  And for the record, I know exactly what that sounds like because I’ve done it.  But this...this is just...holy fucking hell with twice the fire and ten times the brimstone, that sentence up there just chemically castrated me.  The head of his erection at the entrance of her sex.  I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume it means he put his cock on her pussy and we’ll call it fair and move along.

“Hard, he whispers, and he slams into me.  “Aargh!” I cry -

To quote Miss Steele, holy fuck!  His dick is so big it’s turned her into a pirate!

He speeds up.  I moan, and he pounds on, picking up speed, merciless, a relentless rhythm, and I keep up, meeting his thrusts.

Is anyone else envisioning these two jogging through the park playing bongos?  Just me?  Okay.  Oh and for future reference, because I assume this world isn’t lucky enough to escape at least three sequels to this travesty, no sentence should have as many commas as it has words unless the person speaking it is being punched in the mouth between each syllable.

Two orgasms...coming apart at the seams, like the spin cycle on a washing machine, wow.

Darling if the spin cycle on my washing machine made anything come apart at the seams I’d be at Home Depot demanding they make good on the warranty.  Which, something tells me, you should be doing with this new man of yours.

He increases the rhythm infinitesimally, and his breathing becomes more erratic.  My insides start quickening, and Christian picks up the rhythm.

I looked up infinitesimally, mainly because I’ve never actually seen it in print before and it’s such a strange looking word.  I laughed so hard my Xanax came out my nose when Google offered up this definition:  immeasurably small, exceedingly little, less than an assignable quantity.  To give it a meaning, it must usually be compared to another infinitesimal object in the same context.  Mr Grey, I do believe your tight coochied little virgin just called your dick tiny.

“You. Are. Mine.  Come for me, baby,” he growls.  His words are my undoing, tipping me over the precipice.  My body convulses around him, the precipice.  My body convulses around him, and I come, loudly calling out a garbled version of his name into the mattress.

Well damn, I have to say I’m impressed, both with the uncanny power this fellow’s voice has to make orgasms happen from out of thin air, as well as this girl’s ability to climax on demand after never having done so in her entire life previous to this encounter.  That’s three times now she’s “shattered into a million pieces” all over the fucking bed - thank god he had the presence of mind to toss the duvet on the floor, because those stains would never come out.  He’d probably be getting a visit from the local police as soon as Mrs Fratelli at the dry cleaners got a good look at it.  And I don’t know about anyone else but I really want to hear this “garbled version” of his name that she called out into the mattress.  No, really.  I want to hear it because I’m imagining something like what went down in the Caves of Caerbannog when the Knights were debating the pronunciation of the last word written on the wall.  Does that make Ana’s orgasms the sexual equivalent of the Black Beast of Argh?

I’ll wait for you to hit Google on that one.  Go ahead, I’ll wait.  I’ve got all the time in the world.  I still have six hours of studio time booked and this travesty of a novel is now residing in stall #2 in the mens room and I’m sitting here playing with the roll of toilet paper I stole.  It was a worthwhile trade.  The word Charmin printed four million times on these little squares in infinitely more intellectually stimulating than that undigested goat’s dinner we were reading.

Fifty shades of TP’ing E.L. James’s house, anyone?

End Notes:  All passages in italics are the property of E.L. James, and as far as I’m concerned she can keep them.

[johnnymundano]

What Have You Done To Solange? (Cosa Avete Fatto a Solange?) (1972)

AKA: The Secret of the Green Pins, The School That Couldn't Scream, and Who's Next?

Directed by Massimo Dallamano

Written by Bruno Di Geronimo, Massimo Dallamano

Music by Ennio Morricone

Country: Italy, West Germany

Language: Italian, English

Running Time: 103 minutes

CAST

Fabio Testi as Enrico "Henry" Rosseni

Karin Baal as Herta Rosseni

Joachim Fuchsberger as Inspektor Barth

Günther Stoll as Professor Bascombe

Claudia Butenuth as Brenda Pilchard

Camille Keaton as Solange Beauregard

Cristina Galbó as Elizabeth Seccles (as Christine Galbo)

Maria Monti as Mrs. Erickson

Giancarlo Badessi as Mr. Erickson

Antonio Casale as Mr. Newton

What Have You Done To Solange? is a giallo. What’s a “giallo”? I’m glad you asked; they are 20th Century Italian thrillers with a marked emphasis on sex, violence and style over narrative coherence. Other, more precise definitions may apply but that’ll do for now. It’s not a great example of a giallo because it has a much more sedate visual approach than that of, say,  giallo king Dario Argento, but on the other (black-gloved) hand it compensates with plenty of creepy salaciousness and unpleasantly misogynistic murders. Unlike Argento or Mario Bava (the genre’s progenitor) Dallamano directs as though he’s making an orthodox murder mystery for the most part, with straightforward sets ups and a lack of the dreamlike delirium the more outré giallo entries possess. What Have You Done To Solange? could easily be mistaken for a mainstream ‘70s thriller except for the grubby sexuality capering like a satyr alongside the Sunday afternoon movie elements. But that weird synchronised existence of the uptight alongside the immoral is what the movie seems to be about; the way socially repressed sexuality results in perversion, sometimes of the murderous persuasion. Or maybe it was just the ‘70s; that flasher-in-the-park of a decade that makes everything that bit more rank and vile.

We hear a lot about misogyny these days which is good, or it’s better at least; because in the ‘70s you didn’t hear about it, you lived in it. And What Have You Done To Solange? captures that feeling of misogyny being in the tap water and the air itself perfectly. Our hero, Enrico Rossini (Fabio Testi), is a teacher (a position of authority) but he’s knocking off one of his pupils, Brenda Pilchard (that name, tho! Pilchard!) (Claudia Butenuth),  (so there goes his Ofsted rating) and their initial tryst is interrupted by a did-I-didn’t-I witnessing of a brutal sex murder (both the uncertainty of the witness and the sexual violence are more giallo staples). This puts the teacher in a bit of a pickle when the body is discovered and his pen is found near the scene; the police and his wife being unlikely to see it as a bit of “cheeky fun” unlike his fellow teacher. And he’s set up his schoolgirl fancy in a love pad that has posters of topless ladies adorning the walls, which is a new level of piggishness. In order to clear his name Enrico and his wife, Herta (Karen Ball), investigate, but only after Ms Pilchard is murdered which reunites the estranged couple because, well, life goes on, right? Well, not for Brenda Pilchard, but never mind. The crux of the matter, and the key to proving Enrico’s innocence, will not only be what has been done to Solange, but who did it and why? And who is Solange anyway? 

While the inescapable moral turpitude on show tends to distract from it, Dallamano has, I think, made a daring decision to face head-on some of the sexual horrors of the time. It would have been easy to make the whole thing more palatable by recasting the events as metaphoric horror tomfoolery, perhaps involving a coven and some kind of ritual gone wrong, but What Have You Done To Solange? uses its seediness  to call attention to the often traumatic repercussions of society reducing a medical procedure to a criminal enterprise. Things were tough for chicks during the dirty mac decade, is what it’s saying. Baby.

So if you want to watch a movie where a sex creep is the hero and the awful things that happen to women when misogyny becomes institutionalised are challenged via the mechanism of a whodunit set in a ‘70s London where everyone inexplicably speaks Italian, What Have You Done To Solange? is for you.  However if you want to see a sleazily prurient and intermittently violent movie set in a ‘70s London where everyone inexplicably speaks Italian with a sex creep as the hero, What Have You Done To Solange? is also for you. Either way the guy’s a sex creep.

[trdwriting]

The Many Exes of Wilbur Robinson: Chapter 1- Tim Anderson

Portals: FF.net | Ao3

Summary: Wilbur Robinson may think he has everything under control, but his rocky love life may be an exception. Who does he date and how do things go wrong? Well, that’s an excellent question.

Story Rating: M (technically MA)/E/R. Story Content Warning: strong cursing, mentions of drugs and alcohol use, sex scenes (both implied and explicit), instances of underage sex (under 18, but not before 16), toxic relationship.

Chapter Rating: G/K. Chapter Content Warnings: None.

A/N: Hello, everyone! This project was born out of a desire to explore Wilbur’s romantic experiences as he moves from his teenage years to his adulthood. Each chapter of this fic will be focused on a different person he has dated. Because there are no characters Wilbur’s age or viable love interests from the movie that I can explore, all of Wilbur’s relationships will feature an OC. I know there are crossover characters that Wilbur has been paired up with (Violet Parr, for example), but since this fic is taking place within the Meet the Robinsons universe, I will not be exploring those crossover pairings. (There may be some OCs that draw inspiration from these pairings, though, Hint hint.) I aim to keep Wilbur and his family at the center of the fic, so that my OCs don’t become overwhelming or take away from things. I hope they come off as normal people.

Currently, this fic is rated G, but I am planning to increase that rating as the series progresses. I plan for the rating to jump to an E by the time the end comes around. In each chapter, I will note any trigger/content warnings that may apply.

With that out of the way, I hope you enjoy the first chapter.

Wilbur walked through the halls towards the buses, weaving in between his classmates. Normally on Wednesdays, he would have run straight to Comic Book Club, but Lazlo was unveiling his newest art installation. Wilbur was obligated to attend. Just as he turned a corner, someone called out to him: “Wilbur!”

He stopped and turned around. Tim Anderson, a boy in Ms. Kroman’s class that he had talked to a total of one time, ran up to him. “Uh, hi.” He said softly.

Wilbur studied Tim. He was fiddling with the loose straps of his backpack and looking all around the emptying hallway like he was afraid someone would stop and tackle him. “Hi. What is it?”

Tim finally met his eyes for a second. “Are-aren’t you going to Comic Book Club today?” he asked.

“No. My cousin Lazlo has an art thingy that he’s doing. My folks want me to see it. I don’t want to go, but I gotta support my family, you know?”

Tim nodded. He rocked from heel to toe, picking at a loose thread on his shirt. “Oh, gotcha. Well, uh…”

Wilbur put his hands in his pockets, not sure how to respond. While he waited for Tim to say something, he looked at one of the bulletin boards next to a nearby classroom with the title “All About Fossils” spelled out in big shiny blue letters. He was just about to read one of the holosheets underneath about how the preservation process worked, when something soft, warm, and slightly wet briefly touched his lips. Wilbur froze, eyes glued to an image of a trilobite. By the time Wilbur blinked, the sensation was gone and Tim was booking it down the hallway.  Wilbur knew he should do something: call out to Tim, run after him, demand to know what just happened. Instead, he stood alone in the hallway, his mind still fighting to make sense of what had passed between them.

On the bus ride home, he was lost in his thoughts. Had he…been kissed? Wilbur dismissed the idea immediately. Surely, there was some other explanation. Maybe Tim just brushed his face in a weird way. That had to be it. It was an odd thing to do while you are having a conversation, but then again Wilbur had been distracted. Maybe he was just trying to get his attention! None of this explained the wetness he had felt. He turned the event over and over in his head while he ate dinner. He was pulled away from his homework every now and then, thinking about what happened. To the surprise of his mother, he barely put up a fight when she fixed his hair and straightened his tie as the family prepared for the gala. He wasn’t very talkative during the ride to the gallery and he couldn’t have told you anything about Lazlo’s new pieces. All that existed in his brain was Tim Anderson, a cartoon trilobite and a wet something on his lips. During his ride home, he pulled out his tablet, debating whether to text his friends about it. He tried George Yagoobian, his best friend, but he was inactive. He sent Angela a quick text as her icon indicated she was available, but she never respond quickly, so Wilbur didn’t hold his breath.

Eventually, he closed out of the messaging app and slouched in his seat. Tim Anderson is cute at least. he thought absently. Maybe not super cute, but cute enough. Maybe this wasn’t that bad. Sure it wasn’t ideal and he really wished he could’ve saved his first kiss for someone special. Not that he cared about first kisses that much. Just Tim hadn’t been on his top ten list of people he might’ve been kissing. Yeah. This didn’t bother him at all.

Later that night, before he fell asleep, his mother knocked on the door and came in. She didn’t tell him why she was there, but he knew immediately. Franny sat down on the edge of his bed, looking at him. “Are you ready to tell me what’s been eating you?  You’ve been quiet all evening. And I normally get an eyeroll out of you when I tell you to put on a tie.”

Wilbur shoved his stuffed bear under the covers and gripped at his Captain Time Travel-themed bedspread instead. “Someone kissed me?” Wilbur felt his cheeks reddening as the word came out of him.

Franny’s lips twitch a bit upward. “Oh really? What kind of kiss? Was it a pretty young girl? Or a handsome young boy?” She had a full smile on now, though it was probably more of a smirk.

“B-boy and it was uh, on the lips? But I didn’t kiss him, really, he kissed me first.” The last sentence rushed out of him. Wilbur didn’t need his mother getting the wrong idea.

“Uh-huh.” She narrowed her eyes and leaned in a bit closer. “Was it George?”

Everything internally within Wilbur grinded to a halt. “WHAT? Ew, no! Moommmm! George and I are just bros. He’d never kiss me.” He couldn’t even believe his mother was suggesting something as ridiculous as that.

Franny laughed. “Oh, honey! I was just joking.” She stopped laughing and continued. “Who was it?”

“Tim Anderson.”

“Hmmm…Tim Anderson.” Franny tapped her chin. “Do I know him?”

“No.” Thank goodness, he thought. He could imagine the scene now: his mother calling up the Andersons to ask innocent questions, peering into their house from the bushes with binoculars….

“I guess you didn’t like being kissed by this mysterious Tim Anderson?”

“No…He’s not really my type.”

“I didn’t know you had a type.”

“Mom, I just don’t like him that way, okay?”

Franny laughed again, but gentler this time. “Okay, baby. I believe you.” She leaned in to place a kiss on his forehead. “Did you tell him you didn’t like the kiss?”

Wilbur chewed at the inside of his lip. “No. He kinda…left before I could say anything.”

“Well, you should tell him. You don’t want him thinking that it was okay for him to kiss you if you didn’t want to be kissed.”

Wilbur just nodded. He thought about tomorrow during recess, about Sharon talking to her friends and those friends talking about them in whispers. He thought about bullies teasing Tim on the playground. He knew he had to tell Tim before that happened. “I think he has a crush on me. I don’t wanna hurt his feelings.”

Franny pat one of his legs. “Having your crush reject you is never fun and it isn’t easy when you have to be the one to do it, but it’s also not fair to either of you if you aren’t honest.”

For a moment, there was a silence as Wilbur let everything sink in. His mother moved to get up and say goodnight when Wilbur said. “Mom?”

“Yes, Wilbur?”

“Do you think...Is it weird that my first kiss was like this? I mean, it wasn’t really you know, romantic or anything…”

Even with her face partially in shadow, he could still see her smile. “Of course not. My first kiss was with a frog, so I think I have you beat.”

Wilbur huffed. “You’re lying.”

Franny winked at him. “If you say so. Now, get some sleep. Good night.”

“Night.”

His mother turned off the lights as she left, leaving Wilbur to contemplate kisses in the darkness.

 Wilbur found Tim at recess. He was sitting with Jay playing with action figures amongst the fallen leaves. Wilbur stood at the other end of the playground, pacing back and forth.  As soon as he arrived at school, the rumor mill churned away. People came up to him, accusing him of kissing a total of ten different people.  He was thankful that the rumors had not just involved Tim. Even George had asked him about the situation, having heard about it from Sharon (of course, who else would be telling people things to literally everyone!) Since Tim wasn’t in the same class as him, Wilbur needed to talk during recess, the only time the whole fifth grade was in one place. Not only were there other people around, but the rumor mill wasn’t stopping anytime soon.

“You know, recess is gonna be over soon.” Wilbur jolted, turning around to see George standing nearby, a kickball tucked under his arm. His messy chestnut hair was partially in his face and Wilbur had to bite back a laugh at how George looked, peering through his own bangs.

“Yeah….I just…I don’t want to do this. What if I say something wrong? What if I accidentally say yes? What if he kisses me again? What if I fart randomly while I’m talking? What if-?”

             A hand grasped Wilbur’s forearm firmly. “Wilbur….just tell him the truth.” George said, squeezing his arm. “I promise that the world won’t blow up. I’ll be at the hoops if you need me.”

             He knew George was right. Why was George right so often? “Okay…Okay I’ll go.” He gave his best friend a quick smile, before sucking in a deep breath and walking over to Tim. Eyes were on him, but he ignored it.

“Hey, uh? Tim?”

Tim shot up to his feet almost immediately, his action figures abandoned on the ground, leaves scattering around him. “W-Wilbur!” he said, “H-Hi!” Tim was practically shaking as he stood there and Wilbur knew it wasn’t from the cold. “U-um. Look, I-I’m sorry. About the uh…” He glanced at Jay, who nodded a bit at him. “About the kiss. I-“

“It’s fine, Tim. It’s no big deal.” A blush grew on his cheeks, which he hoped Tim would think was just from the brisk weather.

“No. You…It was dumb and…well…” Tim’s voice cracked.

“You…you have a crush on me?”

A strong gust of autumnal wind blew through them before Tim whimpered out a yes. His face was tomato-red.

Wilbur inhaled deeply through his nose. He could do this. Be honest, Wilbur. “So, Tim. I…I can’t date you?”

Wilbur swore he could see life literally drain from Tim. He instantly wanted to take it back. “Oh. That’s fine. I get it.” He heaved a sigh. “It’s not like you’d feel the same way.”

He let out an awkward laugh. “Well, hey. You never know! I’m sure someone else likes you. Maybe someone who’s even better than me.”

 “Yeah. Maybe.” Tim sat back down on the ground, turning away from Wilbur.  He knew he should leave, but Wilbur felt like somehow winter had come early and froze him to where he was.

 “…I’m really sorry, Tim.”

Jay wrinkled his pudgy nose up at Wilbur. “Get out of here, Robinson! Leave us alone.”

Wilbur finally got his muscles working after that. He walked as confidently over to the basketball hoops, where George was busy attempting to make a three-point shot. George caught the ball on a rebound,  tucked the ball under his arm again when he noticed “How’d it go?” 

“Welp. I’m pretty sure Tim and Jay hate my guts. And everything else for that matter.” He knew that he had to say what he did and be honest with Tim, but he still felt guilt making a home for itself in his stomach.  He kicked at a stray pebble on the ground.

George put a hand on Wilbur’s shoulder, giving him a soft smile. “Yeah. It sucks, but I think it would’ve been a whole lot worse if you dated him.” Wilbur somehow caught his ridiculously contagious smile despite himself.

“You’re right. Thanks.” He might have made two enemies today, but he still had a best friend.

“Y’know, I think there’s a saying that you may or may not have heard before, Wilbur. I think it would work perfectly for the situation.”

“Let me take a wild guess. Keep moving forward?” Wilbur crossed his arms.

“Actually, it was ‘It could’ve been worse’, but close enough.”

Wilbur laughed and George pulled him into a game of HORSE until the recess bell rang.  For the time being, Wilbur didn’t worry himself with first kisses.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And there’s the first chapter. I hope you all enjoyed it! I have decided for this project to include songs that I think match the feeling of the chapter, especially the ones I listened to while working. Unfortunately, there isn’t really a song that I knew that matches this chapter’s mood, so I decided to go with a song I thought fit the general feeling of this project.

The first one is Crushcrushcrush by Paramore. I think this song may be a little more edgy for the kind of situation going on in this chapter, but there are still discussions of a secret crush, so…it works? Mostly, I just think Paramore is a great band and their songs have aged incredibly well. Please enjoy.

The second video is a groovy song, Hit the Road Jack by Ray Charles. Since this story is about break-ups, I figured I’d put up a generic song about it. Also, I felt it was appropriate since jazz is a music genre that Wilbur probably listens to a lot, considering Franny’s work.

I have accounts on AO3 and Fanfiction.net. Want to request a fanfic? Send me an ask or PM!

[theintrinsicwarrior]

The ‘Illusion’ of Hot Women

Yes, you read the title right. I believe that hot women are an illusion. You either have a curiosity about this opinion or a resistance to it. "Aden, what type of drugs are you on right now!? In what world do hot girls not exist? Maybe you’re spending too much time on Oxford street on a Saturday night!” I can imagine these are the thoughts of a guy reading this. I get it. Before I get into this, I just want to say that some of the things I say in this post may cause you to feel uncomfortable due to the way guys are wired to think in society today. It will probably challenge your perception of how attractive women appear in your reality. It might take the fun out of ‘hot girls' for you, and if thats something you don’t want, I’d advise you to stop reading now. If you’re a guy who goes around rating women on a scale of 1-10 and you’re not willing to be a little open minded to different view on that, same thing, stop reading. If you’re open minded and are genuinely curious about what I have to say about this, let’s go!

What’s your definition of a 'hot girl’? If I go and ask some random guy on the street this, he will probably tell me something like ‘are you serious? a girl who is sexy, of course!’ Or ‘a girl who is super glammed up, takes care of her appearance’ Basically he’s going to give a very vague answer that is probably subjective to his personal tastes. He might give me references of celebrities he finds attractive, or an ex girlfriend or current girlfriend. We don’t think about (or maybe I do, clearly!) what it is that really makes a girl ‘hot’. My argument here is that, what if beauty is contextual? What if that ‘hot girl’ you see walking in a bikini down Bondi beach is your own perception based on the circumstances, behaviour and several other factors? Picture this scene (trust me, you’ll like it if you’re a guy!): A young, blonde girl, maybe around age 21 walks up to you while you’re at a table in a restaurant with your friends. She’s wearing a low cut top on with tight jean shorts. Make up is done perfectly. Smells like every perfect smell to ever exist and has an adorable, polish accent. Her hair is shiny and straight as can be, ending at her lower back. She sits next to you, introduces herself and starts flirting with you. Her facial expressions are seductive. The way she touches your arm as she laughs at something you said in your story is equivalent to everything good in life. The way her eyes light up when you tell her that you’re into surfing or basketball or any sport you like. Got the picture? Of course you do! Obviously, you as a man are going to be like "am I dreaming right now? Why is this happening?” But let me flip it. Imagine that same girl, but this time her hair is all frizzy and clearly not washed and she has no make up on. Her breath reeks and her B.O is assaulting your nostrils like no tomorrow. She’s wearing an oversized hoodie with long baggy pants. She introduces herself but doesn’t say anything after that and sit’s next to you awkwardly, while you look at your buddies awkwardly, with you decaying in the uncomfortableness of it all. So I ask you, is that second girl still hot? It’s the same girl! Are all the thoughts you had about the first version of that girl going to be the same with the second version? Think about that. You see, we don’t take into account the different things that go into a ‘hot girl’. Yeah, its abit of a bummer isn’t it? Let’s use porn stars as another example. (Disclaimer: If you love porn and don’t want to think about what goes into it all, or want it to be ruined for you, once again, stop here). Besides cringe worthy acting, what you’re seeing in those videos is the result of quality lighting, precise make up work, a ‘porn star persona', different angle shots, different takes, exaggerated sex sounds, the ‘bow-chicka bow-wow’ music, and video filters. Editing! Thats what your seeing! If you see those women in a different context, without those things, ‘hot’ probably won’t be the word you’ll be using. ‘Good looking?' Yeah, maybe. ‘Attractive?’ Maybe. It’s going to be a noticeable difference, thats for sure. This applies to instagram models, magazine models, movie stars etc. you get the idea. “Geez! Thanks for being a downer, Aden! Why can’t you be normal, not overthink this and just be a freaking guy!” Yes, I know you might be thinking something along those lines. Allow me to break it down. A common thing I see in young men and in myself when I was younger, is a natural tendency to put women who are ‘hot’ on a pedestal. The psychological pedestal where, because a girl has a 'banging body’, is ’fine as a dime’ or some other cringe expression for a physically appealing girl, she is worshipped. She is the equivalent to that of a celebrity, even if she isn’t one. She is the ticket to your clout boost or status upgrade if you can ‘get her’. You’ll be swimming in the validation of everybody within eye distance of you and her together. Why? Because she looks a certain way in a certain CONTEXT. She’s that girl who every guy is shooting his shot with at the night club. The famous insta-model (who probably uses facetune) posting ass shots everyday and has pathetic men frothing in her comment sections and DM’s. The ‘hottest girl’ in your year 12 class, or maybe even the school. Are you starting to see it? If you don’t, its so simple: Stop acting like women who you ‘perceive’ as hot as being celebrities and trophies to obtain, knowing that ‘hotness’ is all in your mind! It’s subjective. It’s contextual. It’s an Illusion.    

Another thing I want to speak on, and I’ve done it myself, is this universal rating system from 1-10 guys use to ‘rate’ a girl. “The girl I went on date with the other day? She was a 6.5. She’s alright, but I’d kill for that 9.4 who works in marketing, I heard she’s single!” Yeah… Hearing that in person you’d swear you’re in a maths class for crying out loud!. The issue I have with this is literally the same thing as the whole ‘hotness’ thing I was talking about in the previous paragraph: Pedestals and this unconscious desire to acquire these ‘hot’ women for some external validation. As you can imagine, a ‘7.4’ gets treated and viewed differently to a ‘4.3’ (obviously!) And the ultra rare ’10’? Shiiiiiiiiiet! You better be coming with that 1988, Michael Jordan-type game to get her, my guy! This is also where the whole notion of ‘leagues’ comes in: “I like Anna, but she’s a straight 9 and I’m only a 6. I can’t do it. She’s out of my league bro!” Listen to that life-changing confidence! Like, what makes a ’10’ any different to a ‘5’? Are they a different species? Do they have different operating manuals? Don’t get me wrong. I’m not judging here. As I said before, I used to behave like this. In fact, I used to be worse than this! I had my own ‘special’ rating system that was based off video resolutions. That’s right, I used to walk around, look at girls and say “she’s a 1080p!” Or “She’s only 720p, but has potential to be 8k” and had the nerve to call myself a human being! So besides the pedestals and objectifying of women, this behaviour also leads to men having near impossible standards for their dating lives. So you can believe that my standards were all kinds of stupid, having a stupid ass rating system. You can believe that I was never satisfied and blew so many great opportunities, all because of this ridiculous mindset. So that ‘5’ you went on a date with, you thought was ‘alright', could honestly have a personality that you can actually vibe with if you just looked past that massive 5 you put where her face is. You can actually be happier, more satisfied and content with women when you remove these dumb ass rating systems and select women based off a ‘yes’ or ’no’ approach. This how it works: You see a girl and if you’d like to get to know her, feel attracted, be with her or whatever, then she’s a ‘yes’. If not, she’s a ’no’. Simple. She gets viewed as a person who may or may not be into you as well, as opposed to a ‘rating’. This ‘yes’ or ’no’ system has done wonders for me personally: A guy who was rating women as video resolutions at one point! I now am able to look past a woman’s appearance, attempt to connect with her on a genuine level and not get caught up in looks! And not have it be life or death for my ego! Howbowdeh! You know what else is great? When you genuinely connect with a girl over conversation and get to know her, no matter what her appearance, she has the potential to become 'better looking’. It’s this strange phenomenon I’ve recently found since adopting the ‘yes/no’ system. I call it the ’Shallow Hal effect’. If you don’t know that reference, watch the movie Shallow Hal, trust me, you’ll love it! The main character in the movie, Hal, is literally the personification of the modern day, Instagram-model worshipping, sad-case, no self worth, thirsty man. Before he gets hypnotised by Tony Robbins to see the inner beauty of every girl, he’s exactly like the men I described above: Chasing the ‘hot girls’ because how a girl looks is a reflection of his own need for validation. So to sum up this post: What you perceive as ‘hot’ is all contextual and based off your personal rating system, which is likely to make you put women on a pedestal and limit your potential to have decent interactions, relationships and sincere joy with them. Before I finish this post, please don’t think I’m some sort of asexual weirdo who has a problem with good looking women and think they’re overrated. Don’t think I was rejected by countless hot girls and now I’m bitter and resentful because of it. Believe me, I absolutely love women and how they look. In fact, I think looks do sincerely matter and should be appreciated; Just not to the point where you put a girl on pedestal, temporarily change your personality in her presence and treat her like a celebrity just because she has a nice dress on, perfect make up and puts on a ‘sexy girl’ persona. In saying that (and quoting Drake): “Know yourself, know your worth”

‘Your impressions of a woman’s beauty do not define who she is, they define who you are’ -Unknown

[kazliin]

Top 10 fanfic title and summaries?

Sacchariwrites - top 10 most popular in universe viktuuri fanfics? lol

Ok so for these are the top 15 (I couldn’t stick to top 10, I had too many ideas!) most popular Viktuuri fanfics of the Rivals universe AO3. As a disclaimer they are not based on any existing Viktuuri fanfic irl and they are not all fics and tropes I would necessarily read, write or like (I don’t even like RPF myself), they are just the kind of fic that I imagine would be most popular in the Rivals universe considering what is publicly known of Viktor and Yuuri’s story and how they are each viewed by the public in general and their fans, plus the kind of fics that tend to be popular in most fandoms. 

Top Fifteen Most Popular Fanfics In the ‘Rivals’ AlternateUniverse AO3

1)     Title: TheLife We Live

Rating:  Explicit

Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply

Category: M/M

Fandom: Figure Skating RPF

Relationships: Katsuki Yuuri/Viktor Nikiforov

Characters: Katsuki Yuuri, Viktor Nikiforov, PhichitChulanont, Christophe Giacometti, Celestino Cialdini, Yakov Feltsman, YuriPlisetsky, Georgi Popovich, Mila Babicheva, Otabek Altin  

Additional tags: Domestic, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Love,Romance, Kissing, Sexual Content, Ice Skating (obviously)

Summary:

Everyone knows thelove story of Katsuki and Nikiforov and the kiss that shocked the world. Whatnot so many people know however, is what came after.

(My take on thedomestic lives of Viktor Nikiforov and Yuuri Katsuki based on interviews,social media and fan speculation)

 2)     Title: Love!!!On Ice

Rating:  Explicit

Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply

Category: M/M

Fandom: Figure Skating RPF

Relationships: Katsuki Yuuri/Viktor Nikiforov

Characters: Katsuki Yuuri, Viktor Nikiforov, Phichit Chulanont,Christophe Giacometti, other minor characters

Additional tags: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe –Coach and Student, Coach AU

Summary:

When the world’s topskater Viktor Nikiforov is permanently injured in a freak skating accident andforced to retire from skating for good he knows his life will never be the sameagain. But while his life is empty without skating to fill it, being forced tobecome the unwilling coach of a headstrong Japanese rising star skater was thevery last way he wanted to return to the ice.

The reluctant coachand unwilling student clash over almost everything but even through the hatred,something different slowly begins to emerge. Can Nikiforov teach Katsuki thesecrets to finally winning the gold? And can Katsuki bring back the meaning tohis life that Nikiforov thought he had lost forever?

 3)     Title: AMelody Sung, With Words Unspoken

Rating:  Mature

Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply

Category: M/M

Fandom: Figure Skating RPF

Relationships: Katsuki Yuuri/Viktor Nikiforov

Characters: Katsuki Yuuri, Viktor Nikiforov, PhichitChulanont, Christophe Giacometti, Yuri Plisetsky, Otabek Altin, Jean-JacquesLeroy, various other skaters

Additional tags: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe –Canon Divergence, Injury, Angst and Fluff, Enemies to Lovers

Summary:

At the height of hiscareer and at the brink of winning gold for the first time, Yuuri Katsuki isinstead injured and prevented from ever returning to competitive skating.Unable to let go of his love for the ice he instead turns to choreography,creating record-breaking routines that every skater dreams of one day skatingto. World renown for his work, he is in constant high demand but willing to workwith any skater who needs his help, from the youngest juniors to the mostdecorated seniors. All but one, his ex-rival Viktor Nikiforov, the world’s topskater and seemingly the only person who has never skated to a Katsuki routine.

Inspired by theemotive creations of Katsuki, Nikiforov sets out on a quest to convince theex-skater to help him choreograph the routines for his final and definitiveseason. Just how far will he have to go to convince his once-enemy to worktogether and what hidden secrets will he learn along the way?  

 4)     Title: OnLove: Eros

Rating:  Explicit

Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply

Category: M/M

Fandom: Figure Skating RPF

Relationships: Katsuki Yuuri/Viktor Nikiforov

Characters: Katsuki Yuuri, Viktor Nikiforov

Additional tags: The Eros Costume, Smut, Shameless Smut,Sexual Content, Top Viktor Nikiforov, Bottom Yuuri Katsuki, Porn with a littlebit of plot, Seduction, Riding, Oral Sex, Barebacking, Hair-pulling,Finger-fucking, Dirty talk, Orgasm Denial, the real story of how Katsukiconvinced Nikiforov to give him the Eros costume

Summary:

“Why?” Nikiforov saidand his eyes were as dark as his words were cold. “Why would I ever want tohelp you?”

Katsuki licked hislips, looking up at the other skater with a heated gaze and smirking a littleas he ran his fingers up Nikiforov’s arm to rest tantalisingly on his shoulder.

“I think I can make itworth your while.”

 5)     Title: Beforethe Camera, Behind the Screen

Rating:  Explicit

Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply

Category: M/M

Fandom: Figure Skating RPF

Relationships: Katsuki Yuuri/Viktor Nikiforov

Characters: Katsuki Yuuri, Viktor Nikiforov, PhichitChulanont, Christophe Giacometti, Celestino Cialdini, Yakov Feltsman

Additional tags: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe –Actors, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Eventual Smut, they’re actors playingfigure skaters for a big Hollywood movie, and they hate each other, at first atleast, why do they not use body doubles for their sex scenes?, plot reasonsthat’s why

Summary:

Sweat-slicked skingleamed under the lights, two bodies moving as one as gasps of pleasure filledthe quiet room. Katsuki had his head thrown back, eyes glazed as he rode outthe sensation, thighs clamped tight around the warm body beneath him and handsfisted into silver hair…

“Cut.” Came the harshvoice of the director as the studio lights snapped back on, flooding the scenewith a glaring brightness. “Take five everyone.”

“And you two.” heturned to the two actors who were both blinking in the sudden light and wipingthe fake sweat from where it was lying stickily across their skin. “You need toget it together soon or this whole movie is going to be a disaster. You’resupposed to be in love for Christ’s sake! Katsuki, you look like you’recounting down the minutes until you can finish this scene and go and get lunchand Nikiforov, you’re just looking bored. You’re supposed to be actors! I don’tcare how much you hate each other, you better act like you don’t or you’re bothgetting fired.”

Katsuki glared down atNikiforov who was still lying beneath him, looking annoyed.

“You better step upyour game.” Nikiforov drawled, looking disparagingly up at the man stillstraddling him. “I have a reputation to uphold and I’m not going to lose it toa bad movie because of one amateur, one-hit-wonder actor who can’t do his jobproperly.”

“Maybe it would beeasier to do my job if you weren’t such an arrogant ass who can’t admit to hisown mistakes.” Katsuki shot back, glare intensifying. “And stop acting likeyou’re such a big deal. You might be famous but you’re not that impressive.”

“I don’t know, I’vebeen reliably informed by a lot of people that I’m very impressive.”

Nikiforov flicked hiseyes to where their bodies were joined, only the smallest pieces of fabricseparating them, eyebrow raised suggestively. Katsuki snorted in disgust, thenrolled his hips in an unexpected movement that made a certain part of Nikiforovperk up in unintentional interest.

“I’ve seen better.”

 6)           Title: The Calm Before The Storm

Rating:  GeneralAudiences

Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply

Category: Gen

Fandom: Figure Skating RPF

Relationships: Katsuki Yuuri and Viktor Nikiforov

Characters: Katsuki Yuuri, Viktor Nikiforov, PhichitChulanont, Christophe Giacometti, other character tags to be added

Additional tags: Backstory, Childhood Friends, BackstorySpeculation, Fluff, Angst and Heartbreak, Nikiforov/Katsuki Rivalry Backstory

Summary:

Another speculative ficabout the origins of the Katsuki/Nikiforov rivalry. Based on the popular theorythat they were childhood friends until something went horribly wrong.

7)     Title: coffee,cupcakes and other ways to fall in love

Rating:  Teen And UpAudiences

Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply

Category: M/M

Fandom: Figure Skating RPF

Relationships: Katsuki Yuuri/Viktor Nikiforov

Characters: Katsuki Yuuri, Viktor Nikiforov, PhichitChulanont, Christophe Giacometti, other character tags to be added

Additional tags: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - CoffeeShops & Cafés, Barista!Katsuki, Nikiforov is still a figure skater, Enemiesto Friends to Lovers, Katsuki is the cute barista Nikforov has been trying tocharm for weeks, Katsuki is having none of it

Summary:

“You know, I like mymen like I like my coffee.” Nikiforov said, leaning closer across the counterand trying out his best, award winning smile. The cute barista - whose nametagwas always suspiciously absent whenever Nikiforov was in the shop and whosename he still couldn’t charm out of him, although not from lack of trying -merely glared in response and continued to make his order without replying.

“Dark, strong and alittle bitter.” Nikiforov added with a flirtatious wink, making a point oflooking at the man’s feathery dark hair and the lean muscles that stood out inhis arms, accentuated by short sleeves of the uniform he was wearing.

“That’s funny. I likeyou just like I like my coffee too.” The barista’s glare changed in an instantto a coy smirk and Nikiforov’s heart leapt a little in his chest at the sight.It had been weeks since he had first spotted the man at his favourite coffeeshop and he had been trying to charm him from the moment their eyes first met. Unsuccessfullyso far but he knew it couldn’t be long now.

“And how is that?”Nikiforov replied, layering his tone with as much suggestiveness as he couldmuster.

“I don’t like coffee.”

The barista turnedaway to serve the next customer with a look of triumph and Nikiforov could feelhis face fall. Oh well, there was always next time. After all, he didn’t giveup easily and he always loved a challenge.

 8)     Title: AllThings Must Die (Except You and I)

Rating: Mature

Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply

Category: M/M

Fandom: Figure Skating RPF

Relationships: Katsuki Yuuri/Viktor Nikiforov

Characters: Katsuki Yuuri, Viktor Nikiforov, Other CharacterTags To Be Added

Additional tags: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe –Greek Mythology, Alternate Universe – Gods and Goddesses, Hades and Persephone,Hades and Persephone AU with a twist

Summary:

The God of Death andthe God of Spring have been waging a silent war for years. Spring, with hiseyes the colour of the sky and his hair like precious metals, brings life andlaughter while Death, dark like a shadow, ends all things and sorrow walks inhis wake. For centuries their silent war raged on, until one day the power ofthe God of Spring grew too great and he taunted the God of Death, creating aneternal Spring on earth where nothing could ever die.

Angered by thearrogance of the other God, the God of Death kidnaped the God of Spring for hismockery, locking him away in the underworld and plunging the world above intoan eternal winter. But hatred slowly began to change into something new and thetwo Gods came to realise they might not be as different as they once seemed.But both were needed to keep the balance in the world, one above and one below,and as the long winter raged on even love was called into question. Because cananyone truly be in love if they are also not free?

 9)     Title: doingit backwards

Rating: Explicit

Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply

Category: M/M

Fandom: Figure Skating RPF

Relationships: Katsuki Yuuri/Viktor Nikiforov

Characters: Katsuki Yuuri, Viktor Nikiforov

Additional tags: Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Omega KatsukiYuuri, Alpha Victor Nikiforov, Mpreg, Mating Cycles/In Heat, Knotting, Biting,Mating, Nesting, Protective Viktor Nikiforov, Viktor being a good dad before heeven knows he’s the dad, Angst With a Happy Ending

Summary:

Katsuki hatesNikiforov and always has. But after one night of ill-advised passion leaves himwith a lot more than just hatred to remember the other man by, he realises hislife is about to change, and not necessarily for the better. And what’s worse,he knows he has to hide this new development from the other skater or face whatmight be terrible consequences.

Otherwise known as thefic where Viktor Nikiforov and Yuuri Katsuki fall in love, get married and havekids. Not necessarily in that order.

 10)  Title: wingedCupid painted blind

Rating:  Teen And UpAudiences

Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply

Category: M/M

Fandom: Figure Skating RPF

Relationships: Katsuki Yuuri/Viktor Nikiforov

Characters: Katsuki Yuuri, Viktor Nikiforov

Additional tags: Secret Identities, Mistaken Identities, PenPals, Falling In Love

Summary:

Being the world’s bestfigure skating is exhilarating but also lonely. After a string of failedrelationships, Viktor Nikiforov decides to forgo love for good, knowing thatpeople only want the version of him they see on the TV and not who he really isinside. After finding a website for anonymous people just wanting someone totalk to, he quickly discovers that it is a good way to deal with his feelingswithout the pressure or expectation of his fame. Another user, KYKatsudon,quickly catches his attention and the two of them click instantly. Viktor findshe can talk to the other man about just about anything and the other man hassimilar feelings and fears. Slowly he begins to fall for the mysterious man atthe other end of the conversations and he wonders if maybe it might be worthtrying out love one more time. The only problem is he has no idea whoKYKatsudon really is, and he has never revealed his own identity either.

They might both be infor a surprise…

 11)  Title: EveryPawn Can Become A Queen

Rating:  Explicit

Archive Warning: Graphic Depictions of Violence

Category: M/M

Fandom: Figure Skating RPF

Relationships: Katsuki Yuuri/Viktor Nikiforov

Characters: Katsuki Yuuri, Viktor Nikiforov, Katsuki Mari, PhichitChulanont, Christophe Giacometti, Yuri Plisetsky, Otabek Altin, Jean-JacquesLeroy, Georgi Popovich, Mila Babicheva, Other Character Tags To Be Added

Additional tags: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe -Arranged Marriage, Alternate Universe – Historical Fantasy, Alternate Universe– Royalty, Plotting, Assassination Attempts, Enemies to Lovers

Summary:

Yuuri is the Prince ofan Empire, second in line for the throne and renown in battle, a formidablewarrior who has been fighting for almost half his life against the neighbouringEmpire and their barbaric ways. But after tragedy strikes both kingdoms, anuneasy peace must be formed between the two opposing sides, a peace that mustbe sealed with the strongest of bonds.

Charged with keepingthe peace for the sake of his people, Yuuri is forced to leave his homelandforever and marry the only son and heir of the opposing kingdom, forging analliance with marriage to protect the empire built on the backs and blood ofhis family and now ruled by his beloved sister. But Yuuri knows what themarriage truly is beneath the pretty words. A life-sentence, imprisoned foreverunder the rule of a man he hates and has faced on the battlefield countlesstime.

But the politicalmachinations of the foreign court might prove to be an even deadlierbattlefield than the one he just left and he must keep the peace between thetwo kingdoms to save the lives of millions, whatever the cost. And what’s more,his long-time enemy and new husband is not the man he believed him to be andhis position as Prince Consort holds more power than he ever expected. For theone who holds the heart of the future king is the one who can control thekingdom.

 12)  whatwould I pay, to stay here beside you

Rating:  Teen and UpAudiences

Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply

Category: M/M

Fandom: Figure Skating RPF

Relationships: Katsuki Yuuri/Viktor Nikiforov

Characters: Katsuki Yuuri, Viktor Nikiforov, PhichitChulanont, Christophe Giacometti, Yuri Plisetsky, Otabek Altin, GeorgiPopovich, Mila Babicheva, Celestino Cialdini, Yakov Feltsman

Additional tags: Alternate Universe - The Little MermaidFusion (original), Mermaid!Viktor, Prince!Yuuri, Happy Ending

Summary:

Viktor has always beenfascinated by the human world and especially one human in particular, a man heonce saved from drowning one stormy night after a shipwreck. A dashing princewith a beautiful laugh, kind and beloved by all who know him. After loving himfrom afar for years Viktor makes a deal with the sea-witch, in exchange for hissilver hair he has one month to make the prince fall in love and marry him orhe will lose his life and be turned to nothing but foam on the sea. Known byall as impulsive and rash, Viktor takes the deal without a second thought andbegins a life on land with the intention of wooing the prince and finding hishappily ever after.

The one problem? ThePrince hates him on sight.

Working against theclock, Viktor has one month to uncover the mystery of the Prince’s past anddiscover why he is so hated by the other man. And not only that but he mustalso convince the prince to fall in love and marry him, least he be lost to thesea forever.

13)   Title: Saving Viktor Nikiforov

Rating:  Mature

Archive Warning: Major Character Death

Category: M/M

Fandom: Figure Skating RPF

Relationships: Katsuki Yuuri/Viktor Nikiforov

Characters: Katsuki Yuuri, Viktor Nikiforov, PhichitChulanont, Christophe Giacometti, Other Skaters, Celestino Cialdini, YakovFeltsman

Additional tags: Temporary Character Death, AlternateUniverse – Time Travel, Slow Burn

Summary:

After a tragicaccident out on the ice, the world mourned the loss of figure skating legendViktor Nikiforov. Consumed by guilt, his rival Yuuri Katsuki lost all love ofthe sport that was once his life and wished desperately to change whathappened. In an unexpected turn of events his wish was granted and he was sentback in time, all the way back to his senior debut before the rivalry evenbegan. His one goal? Save Viktor Nikiforov.

 14)  ThroughAnother’s Eyes

Rating:  Gen

Archive Warning:  CreatorChose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Category: M/M

Fandom: Figure Skating RPF

Relationships: Katsuki Yuuri/Viktor Nikiforov

Characters: Katsuki Yuuri, Viktor Nikiforov, PhichitChulanont, Christophe Giacometti, Yuri Plisetsky, Celestino Cialdini, YakovFeltsman, Jean-Jacques Leroy, Otabek Altin

Additional tags: Fluff and Angst, Changing POV, based onpublic and social media reactions of each person, also based on YuriPlisetsky’s face when they kissed on the podium at the end

Summary:

A look at theNikiforov/Katsuki rivalry over the years from a variety of different points ofview

 15)  Roses andBlood

Rating:  Explicit

Archive Warning: Graphic Depictions of Violence

Category: M/M

Fandom: Figure Skating RPF

Relationships: Katsuki Yuuri/Viktor Nikiforov

Characters: Katsuki Yuuri, Viktor Nikiforov, PhichitChulanont, Christophe Giacometti, Other Character(s)

Additional tags: Alternate Universe – Mafia, AlternateUniverse – Assassins and Hitmen, Enemies to Lovers

Summary:

Katsuki Yuuri is oneof the most successful and feared assassins in the world, his reputation onlysucceeded by his greatest rival, an opposing hitman called Viktor Nikiforov.But after circumstances bring the two of them together for a complex andlong-lasting job an uneasy peace is formed and gradually hatred turns to trustand respect and from that grows something more.

Job complete and awareof his new feelings for the man he once thought he hated, Katsuki returns tothe organisation holding his leash - controlling him with the only other thinghe cares about - to be given his next job, something he cannot refuse no matterwhat.

Hisnext assignment. Kill Viktor Nikiforov.