#she asked me whether I knew what happened in book 10

[cupidswurld]

latin-related texts between my friends and i who study latin

[youreverydayfangirl]

Death By A Thousand Cuts

pairing: lando norris x fretwell! reader

summary: y/n y/ln has always been in love with lando, or in which lando brushed y/n off until its too late

warning: angsty tbh, attempted sa, roofie, swearing

a/n: i like this one tbh, also this takes places over a couple years tbh

Y/n wasn't entirely sure when it happened, whether it was love at first sight or something more gradual, all she knew was she was entirely and irrevocably in love with Lando Norris.

Y/n first met Lando when she was 10 and he was 11. To him she was his best mates little sister. He found her childish and annoying. She found him kind and attractive, although she barely saw him because he was always off karting.

The moment that solidified her crush on the boy was when their families went on their first family vacation together. They had booked a holiday house at the beach for a week during summer. Both families had made there way done the beach.

Max and Lando were playing catch on the beach, chatting about random things, there parents were busy gossiping and sunbaking and Flo and Y/n were swimming in the ocean.

"Y/n sweetie, don't swim out too far please." Her mother called out to her and she nodded back.

"I'm gonna give this to my mom so I don't lose it." Flo said, gesturing to the bracelet her grandmother had given her for her birthday. Y/n nodded in response and watched as Flo ran back ashore, heading over to her mom.

Y/n watched everyone, feeling peaceful. Lando was currently watching Max strike out with a girl who was definitely to old for him and Flo was talking to their parents.

Suddenly she was dragged underwater, getting completely disoriented. Her lungs screamed for air, a burning sensation spreading through her chest. She tried to swim to the top, splashing above the water for a split second before being pulled back down.

Her legs were powerless no matter how hard she tried to kick. Her vision was spotty, she struggled to fight off the black spots dancing in her vision when she felt herself being pulled up above the water and dragged onto the beach.

She fell to her hands and knees and began coughing up salt water, someone holding her hair behind her head. She looked up to see Lando looking down at her worried and annoyed.

"Are you crazy? He asked the girl. Before she could answer her parents came over to her wrapping her around in a towel and fussing over her. She felt the blood rush to her cheeks at how she had embarrassed herself but also at the fact that Lando had come to save her.

Y/n looked at the diy grave she had made. Her pet hamster had died and she was holding a full funeral. The Norris' had come aswell, paying there respects.

"I'm sorry about fluffy Y/n." Lando said, moving to stand next to her. She looked up sending him a small, sad smile and he held out a bouquet of flowers for her. They were scrappy, definitely picked from his moms garden which he would get in trouble for later but the thought counted. She gave him large smile and took them from him before wrapping her arms around him.

"Thanks Lan." She said.

"Its alright to cry you know, you don't have to be strong." He said, whispering into the top of her head before planting a kiss on it.

She began crying into the boys chest and he let her until she felt better.

By the time she was 14 Y/n felt so out of place in their little group. Flo, Max and Lando had all become quite close due to their closeness in age and interests. She didn't feel out of place in the social sense, it was more out of place in life. The boys had karting, Flo had riding but what exactly did Y/n have. She had no clue what she wanted to be, a doctor? A journalist? Something in fashion? She just had no clue.

She felt a nudge in her side and turned to look at Lando whos eyes were trained to the TV. He looked at her, "Are you okay?" He whispered to her. She nodded. "Y/n, tell me the truth." She sighed, Lando could always see straight through her.

"No. Yes. I don't know. Its just, I feel so out of place, all of you guys know what you wanna do and I - I just don't know." Lando snorted and Y/ns eyes shot to him.

"What? What's wrong?" She asked, suddenly feeling very self conscious. Lando felt bad seeing the panicked look on her face.

"Sorry, Its just you shouldn't be worried over something like that. Whatever you end up doing is going to be amazing just like you, don't stress Y/n." He said, sincerity in his tone.

She smiled, thankful that he couldn't see how red her face had gotten and turned to face the tv.

Once she had turned 15 two things were pretty obvious. Y/n was head over heels in love with Lando Norris and Lando wasn't interested, shutting her affections down a million times with the excuse of her being Max's little sister.

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2015

yourusername has posted

liked by yourbsfusername, maxfretwell and 234 others

yourusername summer 2015 so far

tagged: yourbsfusername, maxfretwell, landonorris, flonorris

maxfretwelll get off instagram your a baby

yourbsfusername LITERALLY SO FUN

→ yourusername I KNOWWWWW

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Y/n found herself drunkenly dancing with Y/bsf, the girls opting to go to a party instead of staying in. She started dancing with the random guy when she felt herself get pulled away. "Hey." She stuttered out, not coping well with how much she had already had to drink.

"What the fuck are you doing here Y/n."

Lando.

Still, she defiantly crossed her arms, glaring at him. "I'm having fun, what are you the fun police."

Lando faltered at the attitude he got, before glaring at her. "Your too young to be drinking, and your definitely too young to be at Thomas Bakers party." She just rolled her eyes, "I'm sixteen, not a baby anymore."

"Yes you are."

"No I'm not." She said again.

"You sure are acting like one right now, now come on." He said grabbing at her wrist but she refused to move. "Where are we going." She asked him, not wanting to move.

"Home, Max is literally going to kill me." Lando responded, trying to grab at the girl but she refused to budge.

"Y/n."

"Lando." She said back to him, "You know I'm not going to move." She stated, Lando raising his eyebrows at this, as if it were a challenge.

"Really?" Lando asked, challenging her right back, she faltered for a second before nodding firmly. He smirked a little, before grabbing at her waist and tossing her over his shoulder.

"Lando? What the fuck! Put me down." She said, people at the party watching but being to drunk to properly care.

"Nope, your going home Y/n." The girl sighed defeatedly, letting it happen. Lando walked over to his car, putting the girl down and helping her into his front seat.

He hopped in and began to drive back to her house. Y/n looked at the window, resting her head against the glass. Once they got home, Y/n saw a familiar figure standing on the front porch. "Really? You had to call Max?"

"Goodnight Y/n." He said, she rolled her eyes, about to exit the car before she decided to plant a cheeky kiss on his cheek before hopping out of the car.

"Y/n get inside now." Max said sternly.

"But I-"

"Inside." He raised his voice, not shouting but Y/n could tell he was mad. She went inside and watched from her bedroom window as Max and Lando talked about something before Lando drove off. She sighed and fell back on her bed, just wanting the day to be over.

--------------------------

2016

yourusername has posted

liked by yourbsfusername, maxfretwell and 321 others

tagged: yourbsfusername, maxfretwell, landonorris, flonorris

yourbsfusername oh heyyyy

→ yourusername heyyy

flonorris I LOVE YOU AND I MISS YOUUU

→ yourusername I MISS YOUUU

maxfretwell cringe tbh

→ yourusername loser tbh

----------------------------

"Maxiieee." Y/n stumbled out of the kitchen onto the back porch looking around for her older brother. They host was a mutual friend of theirs which is why they had both been invited. The girl was about the fall down the porch steps when an arm wrapped around her waist, pulling her back firmly onto the porch.

"Woah, be careful there little Max." She heard that familiar voice say. She turned around to face him still slightly dazed and confused, a pout on her lips when his words registered in her head. "Landoo." She drunkenly whined, "I told you to stop calling me that, 'm no little. "

The boy laughed, smiling down at her "Yes you are little max," he teased, smiling before noticing the faint tear tracks on her face. Landos body language changed, worry seeping into his gaze. "Y/n whats wrong?" He asked, brushing her hair out of her face so he could see her more clearly.

"Tom." She said shakily, ready to burst into tears. Lando tensed at the mention of the girls boyfriend , a million different things running through his mind, if she was hurt, if he had hurt her. Lando began checking her up and down, making sure she wasn't injured, once he was certain that she was alright he looked back at her.

"What did he do love?" The nickname slipped out, Lando hadn't meant to say it, it just felt so natural. Luckily for him, she didn't catch onto what he said, her brain to scattered to pick up on it.

"He cheated on me. I walked in on him and some chick." She wailed out, throwing herself into Landos arms, a gesture that Lando was not against. Lando wrapped his arms around her waist, rubbing small circles on her back.

"Oh dove, its gonna be okay." Lando rested his head on her hers, squeezing her tightly before pulling away. "I'm gonna take you to the car, can you wait there for me and Max to come out." He spoke softly, waiting for a nod before heading towards the car. Once he walked her to the car he instructed her to wait there while he went back inside to look for Max.

Max came out of the party, far less drunk than the other two and immediately went to his sister, forcing her to look up at him. "Are you okay." He asked her, Y/n just nodded and quietly mumbled something about wanting to go home.

On the car ride back, with Max driving, Lando opted to sit in the back seat next to Y/n who nearly fell asleep on his shoulder. The drive back was silent, no one feeling up to making conversation. When the car stopped Lando looked down at the girl sleeping on his shoulder, "Feeling better?" He croaked out, Y/n turned to look up at him. She paused for a second, absorbing the moment when she felt bile rise up her throat. She paused, trying to undo her seatbelt, before opening the doer landing on the grass, puking. "Ah shit moms gonna kill me." Max groaned while a pair of hands grabbed her hair in a makeshift pony tail, rubbing her back. "Lets get you inside." Lando said, helping the girl up.

When they got to her room, Lando grabbed her a change of clothes passing them to her. "Put these on, I'll be right back."

Lando came back up the stairs, opening the door to Y/ns room. "Look I need you to - oh shit." Lando said, closing his eyes tightly. The drunk girl turned around to look at him, clad in her bra and underwear. "Landoo, can you please help mee get these offf." She said, still clearly drunk. Lando swallowed hard, cursing whatever God was out there. "You can't get it off yourself." The girl shook her head.

He swallowed, putting the things in his hands down before moving the girl towards him. He ran his fingers up her back, definitely slower than he should have, goosebumps forming on her back at the touch. He reached her bra and unbuttoned it slowly, eyes looking at all of her bare skin. He shook his head spinning around. "Now put you shirt on." She did without a fuss.

He then took her to the bathroom, stating that she would regret not taking it off in the morning and while that was true, he really just wanted more time to hang around the girl.

He grabbed a cotton pad and makeup cleaner, instructing her to sit on the bench as he walked between her legs. He gently wiped her makeup off, Y/n looking up at him, admiring his features. "Your pretty you know that." She mumbled, not entirely meaning to say it out loud.

"Oh am I." Lando said teasingly, a grin making its way across his face. "Mhm." She nodded, Lando wiped the last bit of mascara off before looking down into her eyes. The pair stayed their, Y/n could have sworn he leaned in slightly but the jingle of the front door was heard, Max having returned from dropping his girlfriend off. Lando pulled away quickly, throwing the cotton pad in the bin. "Done." He mumbled, ready to walk out the room and never return.

Y/n followed him out of her conjoining bathroom into her room. "Goodnight Y/n." He said, making his way to her bedroom door as she climbed into bed. "Goodnight Lan." She said, the duvet pulled up to her chin at this point. Lando paused at the door to looked at her, "And Y/n?" She hummed in response, "Next time pick someone who isn't a complete dick okay." He continued before closing his door gently.

Y/n felt her hear shatter all over again, it was just a reminder that no matter how much she wanted to, Y/n and Lando were never going to be together.

The next day when Y/n went to pick up her stuff from Toms she noticed a huge black eye but Tom refused to tell her how it got there.

----------------------------

2017

yourusername has posted

liked by yourbsfusername, maxfretwell and 678 others

yourusername officially the big 17

tagged: landonorris, yourbsfusername, maxfretwell, flo_norris_showjumping

landonorris happy birthday little max

→ yourusername your the worst

yourbsfusername besties legal nowww

→ yourusername yayayaya

→ maxfretwell nononono

maxfretwell happy birthday little sis

→ yourusername thanks loser

flo_norris_showjumping YAYYY

→ yourusername YAYAYYAYAYAY

friend1 happy birthday

→ yourusername thank you

friend2 hope you had a fun birthday

→ yourusername i did thanks

--------------------------

Y/n sat watching the fire. Her family and Landos were having a bonfire and celebrating Y/ns seventeenth and Lando who was doing really well in his Formula 3 season.

She felt the bench she was sitting on dip and looked to see Lando sitting next to her. "So the big seventeen huh?"

Y/n sent him a warm smile, "Yeah actually, its funny though cause I don't feel older even though I am." She said.

"That's what happens, any big plans for the future." He asked her, staring at the fire. Y/n glanced at him confused for a bit, Lando never really was willing to have proper conversations with her if he could escape it.

"Um yeah actually. I signed a campaign with Louis Vuitton so next month I'm flying out to Paris." She said excitedly, a fond smile crossed Landos face.

"Thats great Y/n, I'm really happy for you." He said, giving her a small nudge which she giggled at.

"How are you holding up Lan." He rolled his eyes slightly at the nickname, it had been something that she had never stopped calling him, despite his protests against him.

"Um alright, everything is going so well at the moment, but I'm kinda scared I guess, like I'm worried its all gonna go wrong and I'm gonna fuck everything up." He said, slightly shaky, Y/n turned to look at him and that was the first time she truly saw him, she could see how broken and scared he was. She smiled.

"The last thing your gonna do is fuck this up Lando, this is your dream, this is what your good at. I know you well enough to know that your not gonna fuck it up." She said, seriously and wholeheartedly which mad Lando believe her.

It was silent for a moment and then Lando spoke up, "Thank you."

"Always Lan."

-----------------------

2018

yourusername has posted

liked by landonorris, yourbsfusername and 25, 678 others

yourusername sometimes you need a little break

tagged: landonorris, maxfretwell, flo_norris_showjumping

landonorris no pic creds????

→ yourusername SORRY guys ill just repost this because lando needs creds

→ user1 HELP SHES SO FUNNY

yourbsfusername miss you so much

→ yourusername I MISS YOU MOREE

flo_norris_showjumping y/ns everything and landos just there

→ yourusername don't speak to loudly hell hear you

→ landonorris HEY rude much

user2 whos the man

→ user3 Lando hes y/ns brothers best

----------------

It had been nearly a year since Y/n had last seen Lando, things had gotten busy with her modeling. The families had decided to go on a beach vacation together, forcing Y/n and Lando to spend the next two weeks together.

Flo had decided that the four of them should go clubbing together, a group catch up or something like that. After not seeing her brother and one of her best friends for so long it was necessary.

"Drink up Y/n." Flo said, passing a shot to her. Y/n downed the shot quickly scrunching her nose slightly.

"Slow down there sis." Max said whilst Lando bit back a grin, snorting slightly.

A while later Max had left the booth to go dance with his girlfriend whilst Flo had wondered off to get more shots. "Hey Lan." Y/n said giggling drunkly, Lando smiled back at her.

"You might wanna slow down on the drinks there Little max." Lando said, acting nonchalant but eyeing the drink in her hand.

"Oh come off it Lan, were here to have fun." She said raising her eyebrows slightly before downing the whole drink in front of him, acting as if it were a competition.

His face changed, into awe and an expression that she couldn't quite place. She smiled slightly before getting more serious, "Lan I-"

"Oh my god Lando?" They both turned to face the girl standing on the outside of the booth, Lando scooting away from her as if he had been burned.

"Alyssa what are you doing here?" Lando asked, shock taking over his face. Alyssa. Y/n felt the bile come up her throat, the burning hot jealousy. The pair started talking but she tuned out what they were saying until Lando turned to face her. She quickly fixed her expression into a smile when he faced her.

"Do you mind if I?" He paused, she shook her head. "No go ahead." She said, moving to leave the booth.

"Y/n you don't have to leave." She smiled, falsely and it was something Lando saw right through.

"Its fine really I just need to go to the toilet." She said, moving to leave again.

"Y/n, wait what were you going to ask me?" He asked her, she smiled at him, heart fluttering at the fact he was paying attention.

"Oh um- just if you wanted another drink." She said, lying through her teeth.

"I'm alright thanks." He said before turning to face Alyssa. Y/n headed straight to the bar, her plan to go to the toilets long forgotten.

"Two shots please." She asked, leaning against the bar.

"Rough night?" Y/n turned to look at a man standing next to her, he wasn't ugly in any sense, but definitely wasn't her type, he wasn't Lando.

She just smiled, muttering something under her breathe before turning back to the counter praying for the bar tender to hurry up.

"What's your name gorgeous." The guy asked, stepping closer, obviously not being very happy with the way he was being ignored. Before she could answer the bar tender came back and she quickly downed the two shots.

"Can I buy you a drink?" The guy asked, clearly annoyed at this point from the lack of response. She turned to him, about to tell him to fuck off when her eyes locked on something, Lando and the blonde. He was smiling at her, looking at her in a way Y/n could only dream of being looked at. She turned back around to face the man, unaware of the eyes that had clocked her and the guy. "Sure." She said with a forced smile and a shaky voice.

Once she had gotten a drink from the bar tender she moved with the guy onto the dance floor. As she danced Y/n noticed a pair of eyes staring daggers at the guy behind him, Lando. She decided to test the waters a little, grinding up against him. Her eyes clocked the way Landos grip tightened around his glass, knuckles going white. She smiled a little and drank the last of her drink. As she took a sip she noticed that she had begun to feel hazy, out of place.

She pulled away from the guy, "I'm gonna go to the bathroom." She slurred out, shaking the black spots from her vision.

She stumbled into the corridor when she felt someone's hand grab her and pin her against the wall. "What are you doing? Stop." She got out, trying to fight the urge to slip unconscious.

"Don't act like you didn't want it slut. The way you were acting, Grinding against me." Her wrapped his hand around her throat and placed sloppy, drunken kissed down it.

"Stop get off me." She said, to weak to push him off. He didn't.

She kept muttering at him to get off when someone ripped him off of her. She sunk to the floor, trying to pick up on her surrounds.

"Lando get off him you've already done enough damage." She heard someone say. Lando. Her eyes locked in on the head of curly brunette hair, punching the guy over and over again, rage present on his face.

"Lando." She called out to him, he stopped instantly throwing the guy down. Two hands came to cup her cheeks. "Y/n hey. Can you hear me." He asked her softly to which she nodded.

"Were going home alright, woah hey stake awake for me love." He said, grabbing onto her as she fought off the spots.

"Your okay." He muttered, more to reassure himself than her.

"Flo hey." Lando said, grabbing onto his sister who was dancing. The girl spun around, face dropping at the barely conscious girl Lando was gripping onto like a lifeline. "I need you to find Max now okay? I'm bringing her to the car."

She nodded and walked off, "I'm just gonna have one word with the bar tender okay? Then we can go home."

He walked over to the bar, "Hey were you the prick who served her." Lando asked one of the bar tenders who spun around to face her.

"I uh-"

"I suggest you keep a better eye out, my girlfriend got drugged because of you." Lando spat out, anger filling him. The bar tender nodded shakily, unsure of what else to do. Lando exchange a couple more heated words before heading over to the car.

His phone rung in his back pocket. "Hey Flo whats up?"

"I can't find Max, do you just wanna take Y/n back to the hotel and we can uber back." Flo said, worried for her friend.

"Okay sure." Lando said before chucking the phone in the back seat. Once he was sure that Y/n had gotten in the car safely he started driving back to the Hotel and Y/n blacked out.

"Y/n" Lando asked softly. "Y/n." He called out more loudly this time, no response. Shit, he muttered to himself, changing the route he was headed.

After sending a quick text to Flo, he sped up taking her to the hospital. When he carried her to the hospital a nurse immediately came over. "My girlfriend was drugged." Was all he could seem to say.

Y/n woke up to a beeping sound, the light was very bright when she opened her eyes. The nurse turned around to look at the girl, "Oh great your up, your boyfriend was very worried about you."

Y/n furrowed her eyebrows in confusion now picking up on the sleeping boy beside her. Once she had finished talking with the nurse she turned to look at the boy beside her.

"Lando." She said nudging him with no response. "Lan." She called out more and the boy shot up awake confused, he quickly got out of his daze when he saw the girl who was staring back at him.

"Y/n." He said, standing up and cupping her face. He stayed there for a moment, but then realised what was happening, where he was and stepped back awkwardly.

"Where's Flo and Max?" Y/n asked, trying to break the awkward tension.

"Oh, um back at the hotel, they needed to sober up and everything." Lando said.

"Oh right. And you stayed because?"

"I wanted to." He said quickly, much to his embarrassment.

"Right." She said, nodding slowly, causing a flush to run through his body.

"How are you?" He asked, clearing his throat, worry taking over his face.

"I'm fine." She said, brushing him off.

"Do you want to-"

"No Lando I'm fine." She said more sternly, causing an awkward tension to rise up in the room. After a moment she spoke up again, wanting to keep a lighthearted conversation with him since they barely talked.

"So girlfriend hey?"

"Fuck off."

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2019

yourusername has posted

liked by landonorris, yourbsfusername and 283, 686 others

yourusername couldn't be prouder of you landonorris i knew you could do it ✨🧡

tagged: landonorris

landonorris 🧡🧡

→ yourusername GO LANDO

→ user1 HELP shes too cute

maxfretwell Lando gets posted 3 times and i don't get 1 measly slide

→ yourusername sucks to suck

→ landonorris im juts better🤷

yourbsfusername GO ORANGE

→ yourusername actually its papaya

→ yourusername better fruit anyways

mclaren our fav papaya girl

→ yourusername my favourite papaya team

user2 EVERYONE SHUT UP!!! new y/lando lore just dropped

→ user3 no frfr they have to be a couple now just look at them

--------------------------

Y/n could hear the click of cameras following her as she headed towards the Mclaren garage. She had come to the Bahrain Grand Prix after missing Landos first due to scheduling conflicts.

"Y/n, its good to see you here." She heard a voice say and turned around to see her brother.

"Maxie." She screamed excitedly, jumping to wrap her arms around him, making him stumble back slightly.

"Easy there, how are you dove?" He asked his sister, pulling back to take her in.

"Pretty good, just exhausted." She said, rotating herself so could lean back against him and watch the track.

"Does Lando know your here?" He asked his sister, noting the familiar hue that still spread across her cheeks at the mention of the boy.

"No, I thought I'd surprise him." She responded, taking in the surroundings. Everything was so much bigger, a vast contrast to what she was used to watching Lando race at. She smiled slightly thinking about how far he had come.

"Hes gonna be really happy to see you, I'm really happy too see you." Y/n smiled up at her brother before looking at her watch.

"I'm gonna go surprise him now before things get to hectic." She said, patting her brothers arm before the siblings split off.

Y/ns eyes went everywhere, taking in her surroundings as she walked into the McLaren garage, eyes finding Lando instantly who was staring at something on his phone. She walked over to him, covering his eyes as she reached him.

"Guess who?" She whispered in the boys ear and he spun around immediately to face her.

"Y/n." He said excitedly, a huge smile spreading across his face as he took her in. Once he felt like he had fully looked over at her to make sure she was really there he pulled her into a tight huge. "What are you doing here?"

"Mf, thought I'd surprise you," She said her voice muffled in his chest, "I'm sorry I missed your first race."

Lando shook his head, "I don't care, as long as your hear now." He said, placing a small kiss on her head.

"Let the girl breathe Lando." Y/n heard someone with a thick accent say and the pair both turned to face Lando teammate, Carlos Sainz. "Carlos, pleasure to meet you." He said, sticking out his hand.

"Y/n." She said, shaking his hand, Landos arm draped protectively around her shoulders. A flicker of recognition crossed Carlos' face.

"Ah, So your the famous Y/n I've hear so much about."

"That would be me, all good things I hope." She said smiling.

"I don't think he could ever say bad things." Carlos said, giving Lando a pointed look. A confused look crossed her face for a second before she went back to smiling.

As she went to say something else someone called the two boys over. Carlos left but Lando lingered for a bit, "Stay here, please, I want to know you'll be here when I finish." He asked her, nearly begging.

"Of course." She said softly, up at him. A smile took over Landos face as he looked at her, quickly placing a kiss on his cheek and a quick goodbye as he was called for the fourteenth time.

"Y/n right?" She spun around to see a pretty girl looking at her, missing the way Carlos nudged Lando before whispering something to him.

"Yeah I am." The girl said blushing.

"I'm Isa, Carlos' girlfriend. Come sit, we can watch the race together."

The two girls sat together, watching the race and chatting although Y/n spent half the time forcing down her nerves. She watched in anticipation as the race came to a close, celebrating when Lando got sixth, his first points in Formula 1.

After everything came to a close, Lando came over to Y/n, wrapping her in a tight hug. She hugged him back tightly, disregarding how sweaty the boy was.

"I'm so so proud of you Lan, you did such a good job today." She said beaming from ear to ear, pulling back to look at him.

"Nothing without my good luck charm here." He said, making a rosy blush make its way across his cheeks.

--------------------------------

2020

yourusername has posted

liked by maxfretwell, yourbsfusername and 967, 394 others

yourusername conragulations lando 🎉

tagged: landonorris, lilymhe

lilymhe i MISSED you so much

→ yourusername stop i wanna see you again alreadyyyy

yourbsfusername GORGEOUS GIRL OML

→ yourusername STOP I LOVE YOU

maxfretwell missed you by one weeked

→ yourusername I'll BE HOME SOOON TRUST

user1 no lando interaction

user2 something feels off about this one tbh

user3 this seems so forced

user4 SHES LEGIT HIS GOODLUCK CHARM

----------------------------------------

Y/n and Lily walked towards the bar when she felt an arm wrap around her wrist, pulling her to the.

"What the - Carlos?" She asked, confusion and shock present on her face. "What are you doing."

"Your over Lando aren't you?" Carlos asked her making the girl stop and stutter.

"I- How did you- why?" The girl started and stopped, not sure what to say.

"Come with me, we should go find Isa or-" Carlos said, pulling her away from Lily.

"Carlos what's going on." She asked confused, turning around to look back at the Lily, and thats when she saw them.

A gorgeous brunette had her arm wrapped around Landos. She was slim, tall and had a gorgeous smile and made Y/n want to hide in a corner and cry. Its not like Y/n was jealous, she knew she was gorgeous, she was a model after all but this girl ha d something Y/n didn't, Lando. And he seemed infatuated with her.

Lando couldn't take his eyes off her, he was beaming. Y/n watched as the girl grabbed onto his arm, playfully swatting at his chest. Y/n felt like she had been stabbed over and over and Lando was just watching as she slowly bled out. "Oh."

"I'm so sorry, I knew he was talking to someone but I never thought it was serious enough for him to bring her to a race." Carlos said, pity laced in his voice. Y/n shook it off. "No, its fine, I'm fine. I guess I just didn't really think." She said.

She turned around and headed off in a random direction, Lily following behind her. It was at that moment Lando looked up, eyes finding the head of hair that was making its way further and further away and Carlos looking at him disappointedly before shaking his head and following after the two girls.

Lily was rubbing a comforting hand on her back when Carlos caught up with them. "Y/n." He said softly before engulfing her in a hug. She finally broke down, all those years of built up hurt and frustration caused by Lando was all let out.

"I just don't understand why he can't love me, whats wrong with me?" She sobbed, Carlos hugged her tighter.

"Nothing is wrong with you, Nothing Y/n. He's the one with the problem." Lily said so her. Carlos knew that when he had the chance he was going to rip into Lando.

"Why can't I just be happy?"

It had made one thing crystal clear, something that Lando had seemed to be repeating to her for years, he didn't want her. It was time to move on.

Landos first podium felt bittersweet, she gave him a small half hearted hug, but it had become obvious that it was over. This was the last moment for a long while that Y/n knew she would share with Lando, she needed space.

On her way out she accidently walked into to something, someone.

"Oh my god I'm so sorry."

"No its completely my fault, I should have been paying more attention." Someone said to her. She looked up to see a rather attractive man. She recognised him from around the track but they had never spoken before. "I'll buy you a new coffee." He said again.

"You don't have to but if your offering a doughnut with that I might just have to accept." She said to him.

"Of course, wouldn't want you to miss out on a free doughnut now would I." He said, matching her tone.

She smiled up at him, "Y/n Y/ln by the way." She said, sticking out her hand to him.

"I know - I mean nice to meet you, George Russell." The boy stuttered out, blushing slightly.

--------------------------------

2021

yourusername has posted

liked by landonorris, yourbsfusername and 1, 209, 394 others

yourusername nothing like monaco grand prix guys. so excited to be here and enjoy with those closest to me. ✨

tagged: maxfretwell, yourbsfusername, lilymhe, carlossainz55

maxfretwell always fun with my sister around

→ yourusername RARE!!!! max showing love to his sister

yourbsfusername BESTEST TIME WITH YOU

→ yourusername I KNOWW IT HAD LEGIT BEEN AGES

lilymhe STOP I MISSED YOU

→ yourusername agghffghhgfhfg

carlossainz55 my number 1 supporter

→ yourusername ferrari is legit my bae so...

mclaren 😢😢

→ yourusername IM SORRY

scuderiaferrari our favourite

→ mclaren back off she was ours first

user1 doesn't feel right without lando

user2 wheres lando

user3 i miss lando tbh

→ user4 so does everyone else in the comments tbh

user5 lando camping out in the likes frfr

user6 y/n here means a lando podium

→ user7 no cause shes his good luck charm fr

------------------------------------

It was the first time Y/n had been to a Grand Prix since Austrias Grand Prix the year before. Monaco was a big deal in the Formula 1 world and she knew it, the glamour, the elegance, it was one of her favourite races for a reason.

The day also marked the first race that she would go to since she started dating George. The pair had decided to keep their relationship lowkey and away from the public eye until they figured out how they wanted to function as a couple.

After meeting at the Austrian Grand Prix, Y/n and George had become good friends. Y/n trying to give herself sometime before jumping straight into a relationship. George was patient, he knew that there was history between Lando and Y/n but didn't push it. He took her out on picnic dates, would make dinner for her and was overall a loving a respectful boyfriend, never pushing her boundaries, he had been the perfect candidate for Y/n to move on.

The pair had gone long distance for a while because of busy schedules, but Y/n had made an effort to come to the first Grand Prix back.

Y/n had organised to meet at the Paddock Club with Lily and begun to make her way over when she bumped into someone.

"Oh my god I'm so sorry." She said, bending down to pick her stuff up. The person helped her and she felt a spark touching his hand as they both went to pick something up. "Lando." She said in recognition.

The boy tilted his head as he looked at the girl, "Y/n? What are you doing here?" He asked confusion laced in his tone. It didn't make sense, Max wasn't there and she only ever went if Max went.

"I came here to watch the race." She said curtly, shooting a small smile, the tone in her voice sounding as though she was saying 'duh.' She began to walk away from him. Lando chased after her confused, grabbing at her arm to make her stop walking and face him.

"Yeah but like why, you never come if Max isn't, you don't like being in the garage alone." She rolled her eyes. Lando felt his heart clench in his chest, why was she acting like this.

"Have you stopped to think maybe I won't be alone, maybe I'm not here for you Lando." She said and Lando felt as if Y/n had personally stabbed him herself. He had never experienced this side before.

Y/n forced herself to look at his face, trying to distract herself from how hot he looked, and how hurt he looked. Lando opened his mouth to say something but a voice called over from the side.

"Y/n." They both turned to see George. He came over and planted a kiss on her cheek, wrapping an arm around her wait. Lando tensed up immediately. "Hey baby." She said, leaning into him slightly, although she felt very tense.

"Lando." George said, nodding towards the man. Lando ignored him, eyes focused on the arm wrapped around her waist, heart hammering in his chest and blood pumping in his ears. When he noticed the look that Y/n had given him he responded to George, venom laced in his tone. George didn't notice but he did sense the awkward tension.

"So you guys are-"

"Dating, its pretty new though." Y/n cut him off, wrapping her hand around Georges which was sitting on her waist. "We very happy."

Lando could pick up on her tone, one telling him to leave them alone. He excused himself, coming up with some bullshit reason to get away. Once he had gotten far enough away Lando turned to watch Y/n and George, she hugged him tightly and placed a kiss to his cheek before walking off.

Lando felt sick. That should be him. He hated George. He hated himself. He didn't understand why he was feeling like this, maybe he always had. He just knew if he cared for Y/n the way he claimed, his heart wouldn't be hurting so much to see her and George together.

Carlos watched the whole interaction painfully. Lando had been in love with her for a while now and Carlos knew it, but Lando had never admitted it. From day one Lando talked about Y/n. How she was caring, kind, one of Landos best friend. He liked her in a platonic way he argued, he just admired how she would always stop to pat random pets, would bring him food after each race, could tell when he was upset. He even admired the way she would bite off the heads of gummy snakes so they wouldn't feel the pain. After Lando had spotted her at the last grand prix he broke it off with his girlfriend. He had argued that it had nothing to do with her he just didn't feel the same way about his girlfriend anymore.

Lando should be relieved that Y/n had moved on, its what he wanted for years. So why did he feel so uneasy about the whole situation?

-----------------------------

2022

yourusername has posted

liked by georgerussell, yourbsfusername and 1, 586, 986 others

yourusername brazil with my fav

tagged: georgerussell

georgerussell 💙

→ yourusername IM SO PROUD OF YOU

yourbsfusername your so sexy ml

→ yourusername I LOVE YOUUUU

francisca.cgomes my fav

→ yourusername STOP ILY SO MUCH

lilymhe CUTIE

→ yourusername YOUR A CUTIE

mercedesamgf1 OUR FAV

→ yourusername stopppppp

user1 missing the y/lando content so much

→ user2 grow up shes moved on

user3 idk something just feels wrong

user4 anyone find it so interesting that the two races Y/n came to was Landos only podium and a dnf

→ user5 NO FRFR SHE AFFECTS HOW HE DRIVES I STG

---------------------

Y/n wasn't a hundred percent sure how she had ended up there. It was Christmas time and she had brought George home with her. Her family and Landos were doing there annual Christmas celebration and somehow Lando and George both had to be there.

Lando was unable to keep his eyes off of her the whole night, it was getting creepy and he knew it. Max had also noticed Landos borderline creepy staring. Lando had been rotating between pouting like a toddler and not subtle staring through the whole night and Max was sick of it.

"Come grab a beer with me." Max said standing up off the couch.

"What-" Lando started but Max forcibly grabbed him up, pulling him into the kitchen.

"You need to stop Lando, I'm sick of it. You either like my sister or you don't. She's happy and I don't want you ruining it." Max said in a threatening tone.

"What are you - How?" Lando stuttered.

"Its obvious." Max sighed, "Just answer me this and I'll be on your side."

"What is it?"

"Do you love her?" Before Lando could answer Max's question the girl in question walked in. Lando felt his heart jump, she looked gorgeous as ever.

"Interrupting boy time?" She asked teasingly, moving past them to pour herself a champagne.

"No, just grabbing a beer." Max said uncomfortably.

She nodded, "I see how it is." She said, heading back into the living room.

Lando turned back to face Max once she left, not giving Max a chance to speak before speaking up, "I'm so in love with her it hurts me. I need her more than the air I breathe, I need her more than the moon needs the sun. She's everything."

Max nodded, engulfing Lando in a tight hug, the boy bursting into tears. He wasn't a hundred percent sure why, but he was.

Y/n was frozen in her place in the door frame, there it was, the words she wanted to hear her whole life. It wasn't fucking fair. She left with George pretty soon after, making some excuse about not feeling well when really she couldn't be in the same vicinity as Lando.

She was done, she had decided. She was fucking done with Lando Norris.

-------------------------

2023

yourusername has posted

liked by yourbsfusername, maxfretwell and 1, 384, 734 others

yourusername life out and about

tagged: yourbsfusername, friend1, friend2

friend1 last night was WILD

→ yourusername not worth the hangover

yourbsfusername never again

→ yourusername NEVER I SAY

maxfretwell are you coming home soon???

→ yourusername if i have time

fransica.cgomes missing my baby

→ yourusername i miss you too

lilymhe HOT

→ yourusername HOTHOTHOT

user1 sorry but shes spiraling

user2 i miss the old y/n era

→ user3 nah this era is the best era

user4 LANDOS IN SINGAPORE ASWELL

-------------------------------

Y/n had lost track of how many drinks she'd had at this point. She was in Singapore for a modelling event, conveniently Lando was in Singapore for the Singapore Grand Prix.

She had convinced the other girls to go drinking with her, needing to get Lando out of her mind. She was spiraling and she knew it. Ever since Landos confession the year prior she had completely gone out of control. Her and George had a messy break up, not for the lack of trying from George to make things work out. He had finally called it quits when she cheated on him during one of her many drunken escapades.

He wasn't certain but George was pretty sure her completely 180 had something to do with Lando, after that Christmas she had started acting weird. After her breakup with George Y/n completely lost it, going out every night, a million different hookups, everyone close to her knew she was out of control.

They wanted to help but they didn't know how. She didn't listen no matter how much they tried to shut it down. They all just wanted her to get better, to feel better. This lead them to hear, at a random club in Singapore. With much reluctance she finally convinced her friends to go out with her.

Y/n swung her hips to the beat, leaning against some random guy. He was her prey for the night she had decided. She turned around to face him. "I'll be right back." She whispered in his ear, heading over to the bar, aware of his stare on her ass as she walked away.

"Another shot." She said the bartender when someone slide next to her.

"Can I get a whiskey please." A familiar gravely voice asked. It couldn't be. The girl turned to look at the guy standing next to her. Lando.

The boy felt someone's gaze on him and shot a glance to the side before double backing. "Y/n." He whispered her name out like a prayer, like something had saved him.

"Norris." She sent him a tight lipped smile. Lando could hear his heart shatter, the indifference was killing him.

"What are you doing hear." He asked her.

"Just a modelling gig. Thank you." She said to the bar tender before taking the shot, making Landos eyebrows raise in surprise. "Look I have to go but it was great seeing you."

Somehow Lando could tell that it was insensire.

Y/n had felt Landos eyes on her all night, she basked in it but also hated in. It was so conflicting. She had bumped into Carlos one her way back to the dancefloor and they had talked for a little while.

The dudes hands started to explore her body, running up her chest to cup at her boobs. She embraced the feeling, imagining it was Lando instead. The guy began to kiss down her neck and she lifted her hand to grab at his hair when all of a sudden he was pulled away.

"What the fuck." She turned around to see Lando holding the guy and yelling in his face. "Lando what are you doing." He ignored her. The dude pushed Lando off him.

"Fuck this shit, this pussy isn't worth it." The dude said, Lando went to chase after him but she held him back.

"What is your problem Norris." She yelled at him in his face, not caring who was watching.

"What's my problem? Whats your problem Y/n. And can you stop with the Norris, what happened to Lan or even Lando? When did you start hating me." He said, emotion thick in his voice.

"Hate you? I don't hate you I just really fucking sick of being treated like shit. I loved you Lando, and you just lead me on for years. I got sick of it, of you never doing anything." She screamed at him, Lando deflated slightly.

"Loved?" He asked her. She rolled her eyes, stepping away from him.

"I'm done listening to this bullshit." She said, walking off, he pulled her back to him.

"You still love me. I know you do." He said, taking step closer.

"No I don't, I don't want you anymore Lando." She said, her resolve crumbling.

"If you didn't you wouldn't have been dancing with some other guy, trying to make me jealous." He said, pausing slightly. "Tell me, were you imaging my hands instead of his, wishing it was me." He whispered, Y/n felt a flush break over her because it was true, she felt like she had been caught red handed.

"Come on, baby, you miss me, I know you do." He said, pulling her chin up lips closing in on hers.

Y/n was in a daze, breathing in the familiar smell of his cologne after so long without him. All of a sudden she felt herself get pulled out of the trance she was in. She pushed him off, Landos gaze filtered in confusion.

"You know what I'm so done with you. Of course you want me now, I'm trying to get over you Lando, I need to get over you." She said, her voice breaking a little. He wanted to grab her, hold her, apologise.

"What if I don't want you to." He said.

She completely stepped back, tears in her eyes.

"Fuck you Lando Norris."

-----------------------------

a/n: tbh did not spell check this so it might be completly shit also tell me why it took me a whole week to write this and also ignore if timeline is completely wrong - 8K words which is insane

[angellayercake]

Can i ask for 10 🥺❤?

Secondo or/and Cardi with close secretary/helper reader who just gives them cheek/forehead kisses every morning and for goodnight without thinking much about it. And papas with crush on them ara just blushing °\\\° with dumb 'im not sure if they're into me'

🤣🤣🤣🤣

It has taken me a while but here you go my dear. You gave me some fantastic inspiration the other day so I've gone on bit of a tangent. I hope you enjoy it! Love yooou 🐇🐇

‘There you go Papa. All fixed for you,’ you smile up at him catching him off guard as always. He nodded at the sibling knelt down before him doing his very best to keep his composure. It wasn’t just the fact that someone was so close to being in a position he knew he would very much enjoy under other circumstances. Nor that he had been going through what his brother had not stopped referring to as a spell dryer than the sahara desert. No, it was this particular sibling that was causing all the problems.

You who had faded into the background of his life until recently. Someone who was an integral but often unnoticed member of the Ministry. To say you just fixed things would do your work a disservice but it seemed whenever there was a problem there you were, smiling and whistling and mending what was broken. Including the heart of this grumpy old man it would seem, not that he would admit it out loud. As he watched you slide the drawer in and out with no problem, the drawer he may have been slamming particularly hard recently in the hope it would get stuck, he thought back to when this had started. And it had started with Snowbell.  

‘No no Papa this will not do!’ The Cardinal tutted, stroking his moustache and frowning at the sight before him. ‘I would never let my rats live in such a small cage and they are much smaller than Snowbell.’ Secondo looked between Copia, the cage that was currently taking up the corner of his office and the ball of white fluff that was sitting quietly on his desk. When, in a moment of weakness, he had admitted to his youngest brother that at times he had felt lonely he hadn’t realised it would become Copia’s mission to fix it for him. The next day he had found himself dragged to the nearest pet store and forced to survey the critters on display as Copia prattled about his rats. He had been humouring him, he had thought until his eyes had fallen on the little white rabbit curled up by itself.

‘Si! This is the one,’ Copia called to the shop assistant gesturing to the enclosure in front of them. ‘We will take this one my friend!’ Before Secondo could utter a word he took in his brother’s beaming face and gave in with a sigh. This was happening whether he liked it or not. 

As Copia was on the phone summoning the person that could fix all their problems Secondo sat at his desk looking at his new pet. She stared back at him, beady black eyes calm in spite of being in an unfamiliar place and all the commotion coming from the other side of the room. 

‘Hello,’ he said quietly, offering his gloved hand for her to inspect. He had no idea what to do with the creature, really not having had a chance to peruse the pile of books Copia had insisted they buy along with everything the shop assistant had suggested they would need to care for her. She stretched her head forward, ears perked up curiously, whiskers twitching as she scented him out, and after a few moments hopping forward until he was able to rest his large hand over her. Slowly he rubbed her head with his thumb and watched her eyes drift close and her ears flop down in contentment. As he watched this lonely little rabbit basque in his affection he felt something in him soften, which is when the door to his office opened and in you walked.  

He hadn’t been able to take in a word of what was being said about Snowbell’s new home he had been mesmerised. You were captivating with an air of quiet confidence that filled the room and he could see the strength in the way you moved. You were chatting away with Copia taking measurements and discussing who knows what details when Snowbell had hopped into his arms stealing both of their attention away from their project. 

‘Ah fratello, she has already seen through your grumpy facade eh?’ He nudges you with his elbow but you are too busy looking up and down between his usual stoic face and the little rabbit he is now cradling.

‘I hear rabbits are very good judges of character, Cardinal,’ you tease. You weren’t scared of him? He would admit himself that the root of his loneliness problem was his grumpy demeanour and ‘resting face of stronzo’ as Terzo liked to call it. It wasn't that he lacked for bedroom partners, he was often spoiled for choice, but he did lack good company anywhere else. And he was growing tired of one off encounters he wanted someone who liked, maybe even loved him. A stirring in his arms brought him out of his less than happy thoughts. ‘What’s her name?’ He could get lost in your kind eyes and he does in fact as he tries to answer the question he was asked.

‘I … well,’ he stutters before giving himself a shake. What is the matter with him? No one had ever been able to reduce him to stuttering. He clears his throat before trying again. ‘It is Snowbell.’ The inquisitive little thing perks up as he holds her up for you to see, looking so small in his cupped hands. You let the rabbit sniff at your fingers just as he did, only reaching to scratch gently between her ears after gaining her approval. Her ears sink back to their relaxed position as she accepts the attention 

‘Snowbell you said?’ you question leaning across his desk to give her the attention she deserves. ‘She is terribly sweet, I can see why you picked her.’ you continue with a genuine smile that he can’t look away from. ‘Well I better get to work so we can make sure this little lady has the perfect home.’ You turn away but pause, leaning down and pressing a soft kiss to Snowbell's head, holding his gaze as you do. He has never been so thankful for his Papal paints before as he feels his cheeks uncharacteristically heat up as they turn and leave his office. ‘Papa, Cardinal.’ 

‘Farewell! Now Papa…’ Copia, oblivious to the unspoken exchange, had continued his running commentary of upgrades Snowbell would need but all Secondo could think about is if he would ever get a kiss of his own. 

And so he had gone from not even knowing of your existence to you in and out of his office every few days asking his opinion on all types of things and bringing hand made pieces of what was looking to become a palace for his new companion. He hadn’t admitted it to Copia yet but it did really seem like his idea was working. He had someone to care for now and even someone to talk to now, even if little Snowbell didn’t have much to say in return. It took just over two weeks for the cage to be completed, the grand opening attended by the talented creator themselves, Snowbell of course, himself, Copia, and Terzo. He couldn’t help the frown that grew when his brother waltzed into his office just in time, it was probably Copia who let it slip.

‘Secondo you sfigato!’ He entered with a shout. ‘I hear I have a niece and you have been keeping her from me?’ He looks around in his ridiculous flamboyant way and his frown only deepens when you giggle at his antics. Snowbell, the niece he thinks with an eye roll, is sitting in your arms. As you had worked so hard to build her new home he thought it only right that you get to let her in for the first time. Which means Terzo makes a bee line for you as soon as he notices. ‘So this is the cutie I have been missing out on eh?’ He asks with a smirk. ‘And then this is the rabbit.’ He lifts his eyebrows in a way he is sure he thinks is charming and he can’t help his scoff of indignation. Terzo manages to pull his attention away from the only person in the room he is able to flirt with and slings his arm around his older brother. 

‘My apologies fratello, please continue,’ he says in his exaggerated earnest way that has even Copia rolling his eyes. ‘This day is about you and of course Snowbell.’ 

‘Si,’ Copia interrupts before he can continue. ‘And it is time for her to see her new home. 

Secondo nods his agreement, giving you a small smile as you step forward to the open door and set Snowbell inside. She looks around the space before venturing forward, sniffing at the air. She hops in and around some of the toys inside before heading straight for her food bowl and staying put. The four of you stand watching for a while longer before realising that she has finished her exploration for now.  

‘Well that was a bit of an anticlimax,’ Terzo says at last with a sigh. ‘She clearly did not inherit the Emeritus talent for drama. Oh well.’

‘Shut up cazzone, Snowbell likes it very much I am sure.’ He can see you are a bit disappointed by the reaction and he would do anything to make you smile again. As you look up at him with a smile he realises that you no longer have reason to come to his office. The thought sends a shoot of pain through his chest and he panics knowing he needs to find a way to make sure you come back. ‘You should come and visit.’ He says abruptly, calling not just your attention but both his brothers as well. ‘Snowbell I mean, she will miss you.’ 

‘I will, of course, if Snowbell will miss me.’ You look down before looking back up at him through your eyelashes and his mouth goes dry. You turn to leave stepping backwards towards the door so you can hold his gaze. ‘Bye Snowbell, bye Papa.’ 

‘Good bye,’ he manages to say as he sees his brothers sharing a look out of the corner of his eye. When he is sure you are gone he doesn’t even bother to look at them, instead turning to the cage that now takes up the entirety of the wall. ‘Shut up and get out you two.’ For the first time in a long time they actually do as he says and leave him be, even shutting the door behind them. Snowbell had finally finished her meal coming up to sniff his fingers as he toyed with the bars. ‘Oh Snowbell,’ he whispers as he tickles her soft nose. ‘What is happening to me?’  

You are as good as your word, coming to visit Snowbell, but it is not enough. He gets brief glimpses of you in the halls but you always seem so busy. He would hate to be a burden. One day though inspiration drops from the sky on him, or at least from a high shelf. He is looking for a book to help with some latin translations and piles books out of the way so he can find the title when the bookshelf suddenly breaks away with an almighty crash. Typically this type of event would inspire kicking and cursing, but instead a grin pulls over his face. He has an excellent reason to get you here now. You come and fix it with all your skill far too quickly and then you are gone again before he can even build up the courage to talk to you properly. The next time it is a draughty window frame, then the squeaky door hinges and now here he is having deliberately broken the drawer of his desk to get you here. 

He has been staring too long he thinks, but he can’t look away, every time you stay a little bit longer, speak a little bit more but this time he is going to ask you to stay,or at least to come back later, for dinner or drinks or something. He opens his mouth to speak but his office door is slammed open and the last person he wants to see right now is standing in the doorway. Terzo looks around quickly noticing where Secondo’s eyes are trained and slaps his hand over his eyes with a gasp. 

‘Ugh brother if you are going to have siblings under your desk, at least put a sock on the door.’ he grumbles with disgust but doesn't bother to leave

‘Or you could not burst in,’ Secondo replies through gritted teeth. He was so close he was going to wring his brother's neck as soon as he got the chance. 

‘It’s only me Papa,’ you laugh as you pop up from behind the desk. Terzo looks between you and him back and forth with an entirely too smug look on his face but thankfully says nothing else. He pulls out one of the chairs next to Secondo’s desk slouching down as soon as he sits and folding his hands across his chest. ‘I will leave you both to it then,’ you say as you collect up your tools and head for the door, giving him one last sweet smile before leaving. 

‘What do you want then Terzo? ' he asks dejectedly, leaning back into his own chair. His brother levels him with one of his usual smug smirks and he is tempted to punch it for ruining his chance, that is until he next speaks.  

‘Why don’t you ask them to help you break the desk first next time, si?’ He sits there in shock for a moment as so many different feelings run through him. Predominantly though he is annoyed that his brother had figured him out so easily and then he hears a giggle from the door and his blood runs cold. 

‘Sorry to interrupt, but I forgot my screwdriver.’ You point to where it sits on the desk with the hand that isn’t covering your mouth but he can see the pink glow of your cheeks just above. He is frozen to the spot so Terzo reaches across and hands it over with a smirk. ‘But maybe I could come back for a screw next time,’ you laugh from behind your hand. Terzo barks out a laugh and he just sits there mouth open in shock as you take your screwdriver and flee. 

‘Well go after them then,’ Terzo says, snapping him out of his daze. He jumps out of his chair knocking it to the floor in his haste and scaring poor Snowbell if the sounds from her cage are anything to go by, hoping to find you before you get too far. He spots you just as you turn the corner out of the Clergy wing so he picks up speed not wanting to shout and draw too much attention.

‘Wait, por favore,’ he calls when he finally catches up to you. ‘What about tonight?’ You turn slowly, surprised that he has finally got the courage up to ask you but you look at him questioningly. ‘Not for a screw,’ he corrects, still trying to catch his breath from his rush. ‘Well maybe, I mean. Dinner first?’ He takes a deep breath so he can actually get his words out but you already look so happy, although he hopes you aren’t just laughing at him. ‘Would you join me and Snowbell for dinner? Tonight?’ He tries again, hoping that he isn’t about to make a fool of himself. 

‘I would love to have dinner with you Papa.’ There is such an obvious affection glowing in your eyes he doesn’t know how he hasn’t seen it before. ‘And Snowbell of course.’ You lean towards him, your hand drifting up to cup his cheek so you can guide him towards you. The kiss you press to his cheek is so soft but he feels incredibly content and desperate for more at almost the same time. You pull away far too soon but he can’t be annoyed about getting to see your happy smile again. ‘I will see you tonight.’ You say as you leave him there standing in the hall like a lovesick fool. Yes, tonight he thinks and he can’t wait.

[aoioozora]

Simon.

Part 7

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 - Part 8 - Part 9 - Part 10 - Part 11 - Part 12 - Part 13

Character: Simon Riley / Ghost

Content: Biker! Ghost x Fem! Reader, strangers to lovers, fluff, civilian au

Note: Reader and Alejandro interactions that make Simon jealous and a wee bit insecure. Tags: @cmbghost @gluttonybiscuits @paintlavillered @eatingtheworldsoffanfiction

____ pulled into the underground parking lot of the apartment complex, sighing. She had just come back from an underwhelming meeting with her editor. 

She had proudly submitted the first few chapters of her manuscript, hoping they would be a hit, but was instead bombarded with the many suggestions of changes that should be made; while the plot itself was alright, the main complaint had to do with the male lead. 

“Frederick is not captivating or interesting enough. He needs more depth and personality… Definitely something different from Elystran,” the voice of the editor echoed in her thoughts as she killed the engine of her car and stepped out of the car. The thought of it once again made her shoulders slump with disappointment. 

Just as she did, out of the elevator across her parking spot came Alejandro. He spotted her and smiled. “Hey,” he greeted, twirling his car keys around his finger. 

“Hey, where you off to? I thought you were at work already.” 

He shrugged, “Took a day off for a doctor's appointment.”

“What happened?” 

“Nasty back pain,” he sighed. Then noticing her dull spirits, he asked if she was okay. 

“Yeah, I just came back from a meeting with the editor and apparently, I have a lot of stuff to change in my manuscript.” 

“Ah,” he nodded solemnly, “I'm sorry to hear that.” 

She shrugged. “It is what it is.” 

Alejandro was silent for a moment, unsure whether to ask whatever he had on his mind. He decided to just go for it. “Do you mind if I read the manuscript? I'd like to see what it's all about. Maybe get a sneak peek into your next book too.” He winked at her. 

“I was actually thinking of asking you just that.” She beamed, happy that he asked. 

Alejandro raised his eyebrows. “Really?” 

“Yeah. Actually, most of the problems in my manuscript are with the male lead, so I think your valuable input as a man would really help me out. And your general opinion as a reader too.” 

The man couldn't help but feel flattered. “Is that so? Then I'd be happy to help you out. Just send me the manuscript and I'll read it soon.” He threw his car keys in the air and caught it in his rugged, tan hand and smiled. 

“Perfect.” Just as she was about to say something else, she got a notification on her phone, which she immediately took out, hoping it was a message from the editor changing his mind about the manuscript. 

But it was Simon. Though a little disappointed, she still smiled, and he noticed.

“Boyfriend?” he asked, raising his eyebrows teasingly at her.

“Yeah,” she nodded, grinning. She kept the phone back in her pocket, deciding to answer him later. 

Alejandro found it a little odd that she wouldn’t reply to Simon immediately, but he figured, “Maybe it’s just me,” and decided to let it be. 

“I’m offended you didn’t tell me you started dating,” he smirked, playfully putting on a tone of feigned offense as he put his hand on his chest. “How’d you two meet?”

She laughed at his dramatics and then briefly related the incident to him. 

“So you two started dating only a month and a half after meeting each other? That's… quick.” Alejandro remarked, raising his eyebrow. He knew people could fall in love at first sight, but that wasn’t the case with everyone. 

“Yeah,” her voice squeaked and her gaze faltered; she cursed herself for it. “We found a lot in common and… hit it off.” 

“Hm…” he exhaled, noticing the vagueness and lack of conviction in her voice and body language, but decided not to comment on it, not wanting to jump into conclusions too soon. “Well, good for you. I’m glad you found someone,” he said with a smile, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. He then looked at his watch. “I should get going. Don’t wanna be late for the appointment.” 

“Alright, see you later!” she said with some eagerness, wanting to end the conversation, for she didn't know how else she could cover up. 

“See ya, muñequita.” 

Simon had recently followed ____’s spam/personal account, and saw that the skeleton plushie made a very frequent appearance. It showed up even on her main account to her tons of followers. 

The story on her personal account posted late in the morning showed the skeleton perched against her laptop screen along with the caption, “Serious writer’s block rn. He’s cheering me on!”

The next image, posted three hours later was of Alejandro in front of a laptop that looked like hers, captioned, “@-alevargas is giving me some pointers. He's ruthless 💀”

Simon grunted, feeling a spurt of jealousy. He rolled over on his side on Gaz's sofa, nearly kicking Johnny– who was seated on the floor– on the back of his head. 

He didn't hear his friend's yelp as he was too busy feeling bummed that she didn't ask him, especially after the two shared meaningful conversations over her novel before. 

“It's not like I can control who she chooses to share her work with,” he told himself resignedly, “Besides, we're just friends. I'm not supposed to be feeling jealous like this.” 

Yet he couldn't help it. 

Simon decided to scope out his competition by paying a visit to Alejandro's Instagram page. Upon reaching there, he found that the man was an up-and-coming part time model with a fair amount of followers. Even though Simon saw him in real life and found him to be a handsome man, his modeling photographs rendered him dangerously handsome; he had perfectly tanned skin, thick glossy black waves styled gorgeously to suit his masculine features, straight pearly whites for teeth, a near perfect five o'clock shadow, an athletic and muscular body, and a dazzling smile characteristic of motivational speakers. He was Mexican, to top it off, which meant that he most definitely was an outgoing and energetic guy. 

Simon felt his confidence fade into insignificance. Here was a man perfect in every respect like an expertly cut diamond, and compared to him, Simon felt like an ugly, misshapen rock. His own features contrasted with Alejandro's in his brooding, glaring eyes, his pale skin, thin lips, crooked teeth, his somber and quiet outward personality, and most of all, his marred face and body. 

He immediately exited Instagram and dropped the phone on his chest, sighing. “Yeah, with a bloke like him as competition, there's no way I'm winning,” he thought to himself, now resting his arm over his forehead. 

“Oi, Ghosty,” Johnny nudged Simon's leg with his elbow. 

The familiar nickname irked him all of a sudden, as it felt like a reminder of his flaws. “What?” he asked, trying not to sound snappy. 

“Did ye ask ____ if she wants tae come for our one night camp?”

Simon grunted. “I'll ask later.” 

“No. Yer gonna forget. Also, tell her that Lindsey is coming too.” 

Lindsey. Simon remembered Johnny telling him about her soon after he confessed their stalking. A short, freckled, ginger girl; Johnny spoke about her a lot and with excitement too, even calling her ‘Jolene’ in reference to the Dolly Parton song. Simon wasn't particularly surprised that Johnny was gallivanting with yet another lady; that's what he had always been doing since high school. His wit, charm, smiles, energy, and particularly his Scottish accent recommended him greatly to the opposite sex. He only hoped that Lindsey wouldn't take him too seriously. 

Simon picked his phone back up and sent a quick text to ____  about the camping trip and its general details. No sooner was he about to throw his device aside on the coffee table to pay more attention to Gaz who was playing his electric guitar nearby, her reply came. 

Author Girl: of course I'd love to come! 

Simon Riley: great. I'll let you in on more details later

Simon Riley: Johnny has invited your friend too apparently

Author Girl: Really? She didn't even tell me.

Simon Riley: u better ask her about it then. 

There appeared to be a slight delay in her reply even though she was online, and he wondered what she was up to. Finally, a reply came after two minutes. 

Author Girl: I'll do that :) 

Simon Riley: Are you busy? 

Author Girl: yeah kind of. Alejandro is giving me some suggestions for my story

He felt a twinge of jealousy again. “He's still there? At this point, maybe they make a better pair than she and I,” he thought despairingly. 

Simon Riley: yeah, I saw ur Instagram story. How's it coming along? 

Author Girl: it's coming along great. We're almost done here

Simon Riley: he's at your place? 

Author Girl: yeah, he came over to give me some enchiladas he made and I invited him to come in. 

Another twinge of jealousy, and another skill to add to Alejandro's repertoire. 

Simon was so close to typing, “I wish you invited me instead,” but immediately deleted it. 

Simon Riley: cool. 

Simon Riley: I'll leave you two then, I got other things to do

Author Girl: sure. I'll text u back soon :) 

Simon Riley: alright. Cheers

She noticed how he went offline so quickly and stared at her phone for a moment. “Is it just me or did he seem a little off?” she wondered to herself, hoping she wasn't reading too much into it. She shrugged it off, thinking it had to do with whatever he was busy with. 

“Muñequita?” Alejandro's voice interrupted her reverie.

Her eyes snapped back to the man sitting across her. “Yes?” she smiled, not realising she had been engrossed with Simon. 

He looked at the clock on her wall. “I should get going now. It's gotten late,” he said, now placing her laptop on the coffee table and rising. 

“Oh right, I've kept you here long enough,” she chuckled as she rose too. “Wait here for a moment.” 

Alejandro, confused and curious, stood by the coffee table as he watched her disappear behind her kitchen door. She soon appeared with a can of soda, which she put in his hand. 

“That's for you, as thanks for the enchiladas and helping me out,” she said, grinning at him. 

He chuckled and playfully gave her forehead a gentle knock with the edge of the cold can. “Thanks, muñequita,” he smirked, opening the tab of the can with a single finger and taking a long sip of the soda. “Well,” he began as soon as the sip was drowned, “I'll be off now. Good night.” 

“Good night, Alejandro. Take care,” she said as she walked him to the door. 

“You too, nena,” he gave her a little smile. “Call me if you need any more help, alright? I'll be at your beck and call,” he said only half-jokingly, giving her a wink. 

She rolled her eyes and smiled. “You don't need to do that, but I'll let you know.”

As soon as he left, she breathed a heavy sigh. The conversation with Alejandro was fruitful, but she was exhausted. She decided to decompress and wind down for the night by taking a nice, long shower and a soak in the bathtub. She then had a simple dinner and just before bedtime, she was found on her bed in her satin pajamas and her phone, cuddled with the cushions and plushies; Little Simon, the most preferred and well loved, was tucked under her arm and pressed against her breast. 

Her cute animal video marathon was interrupted by a message from (Bigger) Simon. 

Simon Riley: wyd? Are you busy? 

Author Girl: watching videos. Hbu? 

Simon Riley: [photo] 

Simon Riley: watching a film with the lads. It's boring 

The photo showed a glowing television screen in a dark room, and a little cameo of Johnny's familiar mohawk at the bottom as he was seated on the floor in front of Simon. 

Simon Riley: I'd rather talk to you

She felt her heart skip a beat. 

Simon Riley: I hope I'm not disturbing you btw

Author Girl: no no you're not

Author Girl: tbh I'd rather be talking to you too 😂

It was now Simon's turn to feel his heart skip a beat. 

Simon Riley: good, because I'm in for a conversation 

Author Girl: what do u wanna talk about? 

Simon Riley: hmm

Simon Riley: how did it go with Alejandro? 

Unbeknownst her, Simon had to revise that text several times so as to not make himself sound unnecessarily overprotective, prying, and smothering. He hoped that he sounded casual and carefree enough. 

Author Girl: went well. He gave me a lot of pointers for my male characters. My editor wasn't so happy with my male lead so I had to consult an actual guy to help me out

Simon Riley: you could've asked me

Author Girl: yeah well Alejandro was the first guy I came across so I thought I'd ask him. I was going to ask a bunch of different guys too so I'll be asking you next 😁

Simon Riley: good. I'll be glad to help. 

Simon Riley: btw about the trip

Simon Riley: I need to fill u in w the finer details. Can I call you rn? 

Author Girl: sure

She sat up straight on the bed with bated breath. Though he had a few phone calls with him, she still felt a little bit nervous. She was about to get lost in her thoughts when the blaring of her ringtone made her jump with fright. She scrambled to pick up the call. 

“Hey!” she squeaked in a high pitch, and immediately cleared her throat. 

“Hi darling,” he said, his voice deep and affectionate; she could hear him smiling. “You alright? You seem a little… I don't know, surprised?”

“No,” she said breathlessly, “No, no, I'm fine.” She chuckled. When she heard the faint sound of traffic on his side, she asked, “Are you out already?” 

“Just the balcony,” he answered.” How could you tell?”

“I could hear some traffic.” 

“You're sharp,” he complimented. 

She smiled. “Thanks. Now, what did you want to discuss?” 

“Right, yes,” his voice immediately turned serious. He gave her all the finer details of the trip for a few minutes and at the end of it, he asked, “We're planning on using a car to get there since it's gonna be the five of us and it will save on petrol. Do you think we could use your car?” 

“Well if my car is in good enough condition for you, then I don't mind,” she said, a hint teasingly. 

He chuckled. “If I check it and find anything wrong, I'll give you a bollocking,” he teased back. 

“Oh come on,” she rolled her eyes, smiling, “You gave me enough of a bollocking the other day when my battery died. I'm not going to let you do it again.”

She heard him laugh, and like it always did, her heart melted. 

“You deserved it,” he scoffed. “But anyway, batteries and bollockings aside, you're okay with your car being used?”

“Absolutely.” 

“And you're comfortable driving long distances? Like I said, it will be a three hour drive, which is quite long by European standards.” 

“I'm okay with it. It's been a long time since I've driven that long though.” 

“Don't worry, if you're tired, I'll take your place.” 

“You? But didn't you say you were a bad driver?” she smirked. 

He could hear her smirking and thought he'd try to make her laugh. “If I try really hard, I can avoid hitting a tree.” 

She burst out laughing. “You're banned from the driver's seat!”

He smiled, gratified. “Whatever shall I do,” he said sarcastically, smiling and shaking his head. 

“If you can prove that you won't hit anything within the first five minutes of the drive, then maybe I'll consider letting you drive for longer,” she challenged, shifting in her seat on the bed and running her finger over the contours of Little Simon on her lap. 

“Challenge accepted,” he said with a self-assured snort. 

She smiled at his confidence and willingness. “So where are we all meeting again?” she asked. 

“At my place. I'll send you directions for it after this.”

“Okay,” she exhaled, now thinking of what his place looked like. What sort of decor and aesthetic he preferred, what sort of colors he liked, and if he kept house plants. 

The two continued to converse a little more until their eyes felt heavy and they started yawning. 

“Are your friends still watching the movie?” she asked, by this time half sitting up and half laying down on her bed. 

“I think it's almost over,” Simon, who was still seated in the balcony, looked over his shoulder at Gaz and Johnny who had their eyes still glued to the television set, despite them having melted into the sofa. “You sound sleepy, darling. You should go.” 

“Hmm…” she sighed. “But I don't want to go,” she whined in a soft, sleepy mumble. 

“Why not?” he questioned smilingly, not wanting her to hear how her sleepy whine was making him melt. 

“I like talking to you,” she replied in a tone that was trying to convince him to stay. She rolled over on her side, holding Little Simon close to her chest. 

The man's distant eyes softened as he heard this and he felt a little tickle in his stomach. His voice deepened, quietened, and mellowed as he replied, “Same here, my darling, but we'll talk again soon, alright? You sound like you're gonna fall asleep right now.” 

He heard another little whine, and he chuckled, unable to stop finding her cuteness so endearing and sweet. “Go on now,” he encouraged gently. 

She finally relented. “Good night, Simon,” she said in a half-whisper. 

“Good night, my love.” 

There ended the call, and Simon kept his phone on his thigh, feeling his face turn warm against the cool, damp air of the outdoors. He inhaled deeply and then exhaled. 

“Fuck me…” he murmured, running a hand through his hair. 

This phone call was a huge boost to his earlier insecurity. Their banter, her acting cute, her not wanting to stop talking to him was evidence enough that she preferred him over Alejandro. He could only hope that his hunch was right and that she wasn't doing the same thing with the other man. 

When the sound of her puppy-like whine echoed in his mind again, he groaned, wishing he could punch a wall so he could feel manly again. 

Any more, and she was going to be the death of him. 

The same woman, blissfully unaware of how her unintentional cuteness affected Simon, was now half-asleep on her bed, fingers curled loosely around her phone, and Little Simon nestled under her arm. 

“Elystran, from your first book, was bubbly and energetic. So I think that it would make sense for Frederick to be a little more reserved and aloof, but someone with power and authority, unyielding, and kind to nobody but Adelheid. Maybe if you knew someone with similar traits like these, you could use them as a model.” Alejandro's words from their earlier discussion echoed in her thoughts. 

Like lazily floating clouds on a clear summer's day, her thoughts drifted, trying to think of who would make the perfect model. 

Her thoughts settled on one man: 

“Simon.”

End of Part 7.

Part 8

Thank you all for your love on this series! I enjoy writing this and all your wonderful likes, comments, and reblogs fuel my passion some more. It's sm fun to write fluff; too bad I don't see a lot of it on tumblr lol. But anyway, thank you all once again. Remember, if you enjoyed this and want to be notified for updates, leave a comment so that I can add you to my tag list. x

[capricorn-season]

10 JUNE 2020

J.K. Rowling Writes about Her Reasons for Speaking out on Sex and Gender Issues

This isn’t an easy piece to write, for reasons that will shortly become clear, but I know it’s time to explain myself on an issue surrounded by toxicity. I write this without any desire to add to that toxicity.

For people who don’t know: last December I tweeted my support for Maya Forstater, a tax specialist who’d lost her job for what were deemed ‘transphobic’ tweets. She took her case to an employment tribunal, asking the judge to rule on whether a philosophical belief that sex is determined by biology is protected in law. Judge Tayler ruled that it wasn’t.

My interest in trans issues pre-dated Maya’s case by almost two years, during which I followed the debate around the concept of gender identity closely. I’ve met trans people, and read sundry books, blogs and articles by trans people, gender specialists, intersex people, psychologists, safeguarding experts, social workers and doctors, and followed the discourse online and in traditional media. On one level, my interest in this issue has been professional, because I’m writing a crime series, set in the present day, and my fictional female detective is of an age to be interested in, and affected by, these issues herself, but on another, it’s intensely personal, as I’m about to explain.

All the time I’ve been researching and learning, accusations and threats from trans activists have been bubbling in my Twitter timeline. This was initially triggered by a ‘like’. When I started taking an interest in gender identity and transgender matters, I began screenshotting comments that interested me, as a way of reminding myself what I might want to research later. On one occasion, I absent-mindedly ‘liked’ instead of screenshotting. That single ‘like’ was deemed evidence of wrongthink, and a persistent low level of harassment began.

Months later, I compounded my accidental ‘like’ crime by following Magdalen Berns on Twitter. Magdalen was an immensely brave young feminist and lesbian who was dying of an aggressive brain tumour. I followed her because I wanted to contact her directly, which I succeeded in doing. However, as Magdalen was a great believer in the importance of biological sex, and didn’t believe lesbians should be called bigots for not dating trans women with penises, dots were joined in the heads of twitter trans activists, and the level of social media abuse increased.

I mention all this only to explain that I knew perfectly well what was going to happen when I supported Maya. I must have been on my fourth or fifth cancellation by then. I expected the threats of violence, to be told I was literally killing trans people with my hate, to be called cunt and bitch and, of course, for my books to be burned, although one particularly abusive man told me he’d composted them.

What I didn’t expect in the aftermath of my cancellation was the avalanche of emails and letters that came showering down upon me, the overwhelming majority of which were positive, grateful and supportive. They came from a cross-section of kind, empathetic and intelligent people, some of them working in fields dealing with gender dysphoria and trans people, who’re all deeply concerned about the way a socio-political concept is influencing politics, medical practice and safeguarding. They’re worried about the dangers to young people, gay people and about the erosion of women’s and girl’s rights. Above all, they’re worried about a climate of fear that serves nobody – least of all trans youth – well.

I’d stepped back from Twitter for many months both before and after tweeting support for Maya, because I knew it was doing nothing good for my mental health. I only returned because I wanted to share a free children’s book during the pandemic. Immediately, activists who clearly believe themselves to be good, kind and progressive people swarmed back into my timeline, assuming a right to police my speech, accuse me of hatred, call me misogynistic slurs and, above all – as every woman involved in this debate will know – TERF.

If you didn’t already know – and why should you? – ‘TERF’ is an acronym coined by trans activists, which stands for Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminist. In practice, a huge and diverse cross-section of women are currently being called TERFs and the vast majority have never been radical feminists. Examples of so-called TERFs range from the mother of a gay child who was afraid their child wanted to transition to escape homophobic bullying, to a hitherto totally unfeminist older lady who’s vowed never to visit Marks & Spencer again because they’re allowing any man who says they identify as a woman into the women’s changing rooms. Ironically, radical feminists aren’t even trans-exclusionary – they include trans men in their feminism, because they were born women.

But accusations of TERFery have been sufficient to intimidate many people, institutions and organisations I once admired, who’re cowering before the tactics of the playground. ‘They’ll call us transphobic!’ ‘They’ll say I hate trans people!’ What next, they’ll say you’ve got fleas? Speaking as a biological woman, a lot of people in positions of power really need to grow a pair (which is doubtless literally possible, according to the kind of people who argue that clownfish prove humans aren’t a dimorphic species).

So why am I doing this? Why speak up? Why not quietly do my research and keep my head down?

Well, I’ve got five reasons for being worried about the new trans activism, and deciding I need to speak up.

Firstly, I have a charitable trust that focuses on alleviating social deprivation in Scotland, with a particular emphasis on women and children. Among other things, my trust supports projects for female prisoners and for survivors of domestic and sexual abuse. I also fund medical research into MS, a disease that behaves very differently in men and women. It’s been clear to me for a while that the new trans activism is having (or is likely to have, if all its demands are met) a significant impact on many of the causes I support, because it’s pushing to erode the legal definition of sex and replace it with gender.

The second reason is that I’m an ex-teacher and the founder of a children’s charity, which gives me an interest in both education and safeguarding. Like many others, I have deep concerns about the effect the trans rights movement is having on both.

The third is that, as a much-banned author, I’m interested in freedom of speech and have publicly defended it, even unto Donald Trump.

The fourth is where things start to get truly personal. I’m concerned about the huge explosion in young women wishing to transition and also about the increasing numbers who seem to be detransitioning (returning to their original sex), because they regret taking steps that have, in some cases, altered their bodies irrevocably, and taken away their fertility. Some say they decided to transition after realising they were same-sex attracted, and that transitioning was partly driven by homophobia, either in society or in their families.

Most people probably aren’t aware – I certainly wasn’t, until I started researching this issue properly – that ten years ago, the majority of people wanting to transition to the opposite sex were male. That ratio has now reversed. The UK has experienced a 4400% increase in girls being referred for transitioning treatment. Autistic girls are hugely overrepresented in their numbers.

The same phenomenon has been seen in the US. In 2018,  American physician and researcher Lisa Littman set out to explore it. In an interview, she said:

‘Parents online were describing a very unusual pattern of transgender-identification where multiple friends and even entire friend groups became transgender-identified at the same time. I would have been remiss had I not considered social contagion and peer influences as potential factors.’

Littman mentioned Tumblr, Reddit, Instagram and YouTube as contributing factors to Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria, where she believes that in the realm of transgender identification ‘youth have created particularly insular echo chambers.’

Her paper caused a furore. She was accused of bias and of spreading misinformation about transgender people, subjected to a tsunami of abuse and a concerted campaign to discredit both her and her work. The journal took the paper offline and re-reviewed it before republishing it. However, her career took a similar hit to that suffered by Maya Forstater. Lisa Littman had dared challenge one of the central tenets of trans activism, which is that a person’s gender identity is innate, like sexual orientation. Nobody, the activists insisted, could ever be persuaded into being trans.

The argument of many current trans activists is that if you don’t let a gender dysphoric teenager transition, they will kill themselves. In an article explaining why he resigned from the Tavistock (an NHS gender clinic in England) psychiatrist Marcus Evans stated that claims that children will kill themselves if not permitted to transition do not ‘align substantially with any robust data or studies in this area. Nor do they align with the cases I have encountered over decades as a psychotherapist.’

The writings of young trans men reveal a group of notably sensitive and clever people.  The more of their accounts of gender dysphoria I’ve read, with their insightful descriptions of anxiety, dissociation, eating disorders, self-harm and self-hatred, the more I’ve wondered whether, if I’d been born 30 years later, I too might have tried to transition. The allure of escaping womanhood would have been huge. I struggled with severe OCD as a teenager. If I’d found community and sympathy online that I couldn’t find in my immediate environment, I believe I could have been persuaded to turn myself into the son my father had openly said he’d have preferred.

When I read about the theory of gender identity, I remember how mentally sexless I felt in youth. I remember Colette’s description of herself as a ‘mental hermaphrodite’ and Simone de Beauvoir’s words: ‘It is perfectly natural for the future woman to feel indignant at the limitations posed upon her by her sex. The real question is not why she should reject them: the problem is rather to understand why she accepts them.’

As I didn’t have a realistic possibility of becoming a man back in the 1980s, it had to be books and music that got me through both my mental health issues and the sexualised scrutiny and judgement that sets so many girls to war against their bodies in their teens. Fortunately for me, I found my own sense of otherness, and my ambivalence about being a woman, reflected in the work of female writers and musicians who reassured me that, in spite of everything a sexist world tries to throw at the female-bodied, it’s fine not to feel pink, frilly and compliant inside your own head; it’s OK to feel confused, dark, both sexual and non-sexual, unsure of what or who you are.

I want to be very clear here: I know transition will be a solution for some gender dysphoric people, although I’m also aware through extensive research that studies have consistently shown that between 60-90% of gender dysphoric teens will grow out of their dysphoria. Again and again I’ve been told to ‘just meet some trans people.’ I have: in addition to a few younger people, who were all adorable, I happen to know a self-described transsexual woman who’s older than I am and wonderful. Although she’s open about her past as a gay man, I’ve always found it hard to think of her as anything other than a woman, and I believe (and certainly hope) she’s completely happy to have transitioned. Being older, though, she went through a long and rigorous process of evaluation, psychotherapy and staged transformation. The current explosion of trans activism is urging a removal of almost all the robust systems through which candidates for sex reassignment were once required to pass. A man who intends to have no surgery and take no hormones may now secure himself a Gender Recognition Certificate and be a woman in the sight of the law. Many people aren’t aware of this.

We’re living through the most misogynistic period I’ve experienced. Back in the 80s, I imagined that my future daughters, should I have any, would have it far better than I ever did, but between the backlash against feminism and a porn-saturated online culture, I believe things have got significantly worse for girls. Never have I seen women denigrated and dehumanised to the extent they are now. From the leader of the free world’s long history of sexual assault accusations and his proud boast of ‘grabbing them by the pussy’, to the incel (‘involuntarily celibate’) movement that rages against women who won’t give them sex, to the trans activists who declare that TERFs need punching and re-educating, men across the political spectrum seem to agree: women are asking for trouble. Everywhere, women are being told to shut up and sit down, or else.

I’ve read all the arguments about femaleness not residing in the sexed body, and the assertions that biological women don’t have common experiences, and I find them, too, deeply misogynistic and regressive. It’s also clear that one of the objectives of denying the importance of sex is to erode what some seem to see as the cruelly segregationist idea of women having their own biological realities or – just as threatening – unifying realities that make them a cohesive political class. The hundreds of emails I’ve received in the last few days prove this erosion concerns many others just as much.  It isn’t enough for women to be trans allies. Women must accept and admit that there is no material difference between trans women and themselves.

But, as many women have said before me, ‘woman’ is not a costume. ‘Woman’ is not an idea in a man’s head. ‘Woman’ is not a pink brain, a liking for Jimmy Choos or any of the other sexist ideas now somehow touted as progressive. Moreover, the ‘inclusive’ language that calls female people ‘menstruators’ and ‘people with vulvas’ strikes many women as dehumanising and demeaning. I understand why trans activists consider this language to be appropriate and kind, but for those of us who’ve had degrading slurs spat at us by violent men, it’s not neutral, it’s hostile and alienating.

Which brings me to the fifth reason I’m deeply concerned about the consequences of the current trans activism.

I’ve been in the public eye now for over twenty years and have never talked publicly about being a domestic abuse and sexual assault survivor. This isn’t because I’m ashamed those things happened to me, but because they’re traumatic to revisit and remember. I also feel protective of my daughter from my first marriage. I didn’t want to claim sole ownership of a story that belongs to her, too. However, a short while ago, I asked her how she’d feel if I were publicly honest about that part of my life, and she encouraged me to go ahead.

I’m mentioning these things now not in an attempt to garner sympathy, but out of solidarity with the huge numbers of women who have histories like mine, who’ve been slurred as bigots for having concerns around single-sex spaces.

I managed to escape my first violent marriage with some difficulty, but I’m now married to a truly good and principled man, safe and secure in ways I never in a million years expected to be. However, the scars left by violence and sexual assault don’t disappear, no matter how loved you are, and no matter how much money you’ve made. My perennial jumpiness is a family joke – and even I know it’s funny – but I pray my daughters never have the same reasons I do for hating sudden loud noises, or finding people behind me when I haven’t heard them approaching.

If you could come inside my head and understand what I feel when I read about a trans woman dying at the hands of a violent man, you’d find solidarity and kinship. I have a visceral sense of the terror in which those trans women will have spent their last seconds on earth, because I too have known moments of blind fear when I realised that the only thing keeping me alive was the shaky self-restraint of my attacker.

I believe the majority of trans-identified people not only pose zero threat to others, but are vulnerable for all the reasons I’ve outlined. Trans people need and deserve protection. Like women, they’re most likely to be killed by sexual partners. Trans women who work in the sex industry, particularly trans women of colour, are at particular risk. Like every other domestic abuse and sexual assault survivor I know, I feel nothing but empathy and solidarity with trans women who’ve been abused by men.

So I want trans women to be safe. At the same time, I do not want to make natal girls and women less safe. When you throw open the doors of bathrooms and changing rooms to any man who believes or feels he’s a woman – and, as I’ve said, gender confirmation certificates may now be granted without any need for surgery or hormones – then you open the door to any and all men who wish to come inside. That is the simple truth.

On Saturday morning, I read that the Scottish government is proceeding with its controversial gender recognition plans, which will in effect mean that all a man needs to ‘become a woman’ is to say he’s one. To use a very contemporary word, I was ‘triggered’. Ground down by the relentless attacks from trans activists on social media, when I was only there to give children feedback about pictures they’d drawn for my book under lockdown, I spent much of Saturday in a very dark place inside my head, as memories of a serious sexual assault I suffered in my twenties recurred on a loop. That assault happened at a time and in a space where I was vulnerable, and a man capitalised on an opportunity.  I couldn’t shut out those memories and I was finding it hard to contain my anger and disappointment about the way I believe my government is playing fast and loose with womens and girls’ safety.

Late on Saturday evening, scrolling through children’s pictures before I went to bed, I forgot the first rule of Twitter – never, ever expect a nuanced conversation – and reacted to what I felt was degrading language about women. I spoke up about the importance of sex and have been paying the price ever since. I was transphobic, I was a cunt, a bitch, a TERF, I deserved cancelling, punching and death. You are Voldemort said one person, clearly feeling this was the only language I’d understand.

It would be so much easier to tweet the approved hashtags – because of course trans rights are human rights and of course trans lives matter – scoop up the woke cookies and bask in a virtue-signalling afterglow. There’s joy, relief and safety in conformity. As Simone de Beauvoir also wrote, “… without a doubt it is more comfortable to endure blind bondage than to work for one’s liberation; the dead, too, are better suited to the earth than the living.”

Huge numbers of women are justifiably terrified by the trans activists; I know this because so many have got in touch with me to tell their stories. They’re afraid of doxxing, of losing their jobs or their livelihoods, and of violence.

But endlessly unpleasant as its constant targeting of me has been, I refuse to bow down to a movement that I believe is doing demonstrable harm in seeking to erode ‘woman’ as a political and biological class and offering cover to predators like few before it. I stand alongside the brave women and men, gay, straight and trans, who’re standing up for freedom of speech and thought, and for the rights and safety of some of the most vulnerable in our society: young gay kids, fragile teenagers, and women who’re reliant on and wish to retain their single sex spaces. Polls show those women are in the vast majority, and exclude only those privileged or lucky enough never to have come up against male violence or sexual assault, and who’ve never troubled to educate themselves on how prevalent it is.

The one thing that gives me hope is that the women who can protest and organise, are doing so, and they have some truly decent men and trans people alongside them. Political parties seeking to appease the loudest voices in this debate are ignoring women’s concerns at their peril. In the UK, women are reaching out to each other across party lines, concerned about the erosion of their hard-won rights and widespread intimidation. None of the gender critical women I’ve talked to hates trans people; on the contrary. Many of them became interested in this issue in the first place out of concern for trans youth, and they’re hugely sympathetic towards trans adults who simply want to live their lives, but who’re facing a backlash for a brand of activism they don’t endorse. The supreme irony is that the attempt to silence women with the word ‘TERF’ may have pushed more young women towards radical feminism than the movement’s seen in decades.

The last thing I want to say is this. I haven’t written this essay in the hope that anybody will get out a violin for me, not even a teeny-weeny one. I’m extraordinarily fortunate; I’m a survivor, certainly not a victim. I’ve only mentioned my past because, like every other human being on this planet, I have a complex backstory, which shapes my fears, my interests and my opinions. I never forget that inner complexity when I’m creating a fictional character and I certainly never forget it when it comes to trans people.

All I’m asking – all I want – is for similar empathy, similar understanding, to be extended to the many millions of women whose sole crime is wanting their concerns to be heard without receiving threats and abuse.

[honeygrahambitch]

Murder Family Shenanigans

"I need to meet this Jeremy." Will declared.

"Will. Darling. They are six. They are just kids. They believe it's a game."

"Then he will break her heart because it's a game?"

" Break her heart? Do you hear yourself?They are six."

"If they are six then why do we have to go through stuff that is supposed to happen in 10 years? I was not prepared for my six year old daughter to announce she has a boyfriend. What do we know about his family? You said you researched the history of each of Lizzie's classmates."

"I did even more than that. I befriended every parent. So Jeremy...which Jeremy in fact? There are three different Jeremy's."

"What?"

"H., M. or W.?"

"How the hell am I supposed to know? Would any of them be an issue?"

"One of them comes from a vegan family."

"Are you serious?"

"Absolutely. I would not joke about that." Hannibal said, entertained by Will's distress. "Worst case scenario: his parents would be serial killers. And that's an unlikely scenario."

"His parents might think the same thing about us actually. And turns out it's a likely scenario. Anything else to add?"

"We can always ask Lizzie which of the Jeremy's is her boyfriend?"

"Don't call him that."

"Honey, if we fail to be supportive about her first relationship then she will never trust us again and she will end up dating all sorts of tattooed junkies. And you know I am not cooking tattooed individuals."

"Alright, I am calm. I am supportive. No tattooed junkies."

Will and Hannibal headed towards Lizzie's room.

"I beg you to let me do the talking." Hannibal whispered when they were right in front of the door.

"What? You think I'm incapable?"

"No, it's just that you are... A bit on the edge."

"Rude." Will said and opened the door, to find Lizzie focused on a coloring book.

Hannibal followed Will closely behind.

"Which Jeremy?"

Hannibal slapped his own forehead.

"What?" Lizzie asked as she lifted her gaze from her coloring book, her attention being now on her dads.

"Your boyfriend from school." Hannibal explained. "We are curious which of the Jeremy's you meant."

"He is not from school."

"So we know nothing about him." Will whispered as he turned to Hannibal.

"Where did you meet him then?" Hannibal asked.

"Here."

"Here where?"

"Here. In my room."

Will gripped Hannibal's arm in distress. He was not sure whether the confusion he was feeling or Hannibal's composed attitude was more annoying. And now the bastard was smiling.

"Lizzie, is your Jeremy by any chance invisible?" Hannibal asked.

Lizzie nodded. "He is shy. I am the only one who can see him."

Hannibal turned to Will.

He let out a sigh of relief and let go of Hannibal's arm. "So he is not from school so from outside our house."

"No. He lives in my room."

"That is wonderful, darling." Hannibal wanted nothing more than to pull Will out of the room so he could properly make fun of him.

"Wait, did you think he was one of my classmates?" Lizzie asked before they could leave.

"Yes." Hannibal replied.

"But dad, you told me to stay away from Jeremy because his parents don't eat meat. I was not sure which of the three Jeremy's I should stay away from. So I don't play with either of them just to make sure." She explained and returned her attention to her coloring book.

"Really, Hannibal? They are six." Will scolded him. "Your dad was worried about your relationship, that's all. I tried telling him there is nothing to be worried about."

Will knew that as soon as they would leave the room his life would be in danger because of his last comment.

[jo-harrington]

Corroded Coffin Fest - Day 30 - Fame & Fortune

Summary: Fame and fortune mean nothing when you can't do things for the people who matter the most.

Word Count: 943

Rating: T

Warnings/Themes: Not FOI compliant (Eddie's mom dies when he's 10 or 11), angst, hurt/comfort-ish, minor grief, fluffy, Eddie has a big heart

Check Out the Main Post for @corrodedcoffinfest here! There's only one day left after today, but you can still participate.

Tagging: @the-unforgivenn at her request.

You can find my masterlist here.

Please do not interact if you are not 18+.

Enjoy!

Eddie Munson was used to going without.

Shit, he’d gone without for most of his life.

When he was younger and his mom was still alive, he didn’t necessarily know that he was missing out on anything.

She did the best she could. Cooked hearty meals the way a real midwesterner knew how to do—the kinds that stuck to your bones on those cold winter nights—and made sure every dollar stretched as far as it could. That way they could have anything they needed.

And even some of the things they wanted.

Wayne upheld those practices once Mom had passed, and by the time Eddie was old enough to understand the things he might have missed out on, or the things his mom and uncle sacrificed, well…he did his best to make it up to Wayne on both of their behalfs.

Admittedly, he'd been a little selfish when the first real check came in, the first big one. Souped up the van, got it a new paintjob, a little airbrushed mural on the side that matched the cover of the first album. Replaced some ratty old t-shirts, bought some new expensive boots.

He wasn't sure what Italian leather was and if it was different to American leather but the price sure was higher so that had to mean it was better, right?

But the second check, the whole thing, went to Wayne. Despite many protests and complaints on the phone.

"You said you were sending me a little something. To help make ends meet," Wayne scolded him. "That's all I agreed to."

"La la la, I can't hear you." He and Wayne shared a laugh. "Do whatever you want with it. Cash it and put it in that coffee can under the sink. Get a new car. At least get the radiator fixed on that old clunker."

"Eddie--"

"Wayne, please. Let me do this."

The next few checks were for him again. The thing about growing up without everything you want is that when you got older and you had the ability to have them...well, suddenly you had all of it.

And Eddie had all of it.

Before long his apartment was full of too much shit that his inner child desired--action figures and that really nice minifig set for DnD and all the books he could ever dream of and several really nice guitars. It wasn't until he came home with some obnoxious model of the Death Star and that he realized he might have gone too far.

That's when he tried to go back to Wayne again.

"Oh no. No more. Why don't you do something nice for yourself?" his uncle suggested.

"I've already done enough nice stuff for myself."

"Put the money in the bank. Save it for a rainy day."

"I'm already doing that too!" Eddie threw a hand in the air and then mashed it on the top of his head. "You know if mom was still around, she would let me do something nice for her. A house. New clothes. Slippers! You remember how she always wanted new slippers for her birthday?"

"You'd ask for all the change from the cupholder in the car every time I picked you up from school so you could get them for her," Wayne reminisced.

Both of the Munson men sighed over the phone, thousands of miles apart but still sharing their forlorn thoughts.

Then Eddie had an idea.

He didn't even give Wayne a chance to tell him whether or not he thought it was good. To Eddie, it was brilliant.

And it was.

He said a quick goodbye and started making phone call after phone call to see if it could happen. The band's manager, Phil, might have been curious about the request, but was still happy to help.

It was not as wild as some other things he'd been asked to do for clients throughout his career. And for that he was grateful.

A few weeks later and everything was set.

Eddie got a flight home, just a quick visit. Crashed on the couch at the trailer--but not after a bickering match with Wayne about moving into a double wide at the very least--and then went about the business that he needed to.

He drove his rental car across town to the old graveyard, and then started his trek.

Elizabeth Munson was laid to rest in 1975; her funeral had been unremarkable but attended by many friends. Neighbors, the regulars at Benny's, people she'd gone to high school with.

Eddie remembered the way a few people had passed some cash off to his uncle.

"Get her a better headstone," they murmured, over and over, glancing at the roughly hewn stone marker set into the ground. "She was a real angel."

He'd asked Wayne about it years later, and Wayne just scratched his head trying to remember. Sure, some of the money had been used for the funeral, but the rest probably went to things that Eddie needed.

School shoes and a new winter jacket.

His mom had gone without once more, so that he could have things he needed.

He hadn't thought about it until the other night on the phone.

And now, instead of that headstone in his memory, there on her grave sat a monument of red granite with an angel embracing the epitaph in its arms.

It was big and maybe a little gaudy compared to some of the adjacent graves, but it was an emotional sight to see.

He ran his hand over it reverently, tracing his finger over his mother's name with a soft, "Hey ma."

And nothing less than what she deserved.

[matttgirlies]

Matt & Me🎀

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24

a story heavily based on Priscilla Presley’s Book “Elvis & Me” based in the 1950’s - 1970’s.

fem! reader x singer! matt

disclaimer!! - in no way am i saying matt would ever support or do these kind of things, for the sake of the book certain unethical things do happen at times.

warnings - mentions of drug use

y/nn = your nickname for any confusion🩷

Chapter 11

Matt Sturniolo created his own world; only in his own environment did he feel secure, comfortable, and protected. A genuine camaraderie was created at Graceland. We lived as one big family, eating, talking, arguing, joking, playing, and traveling together.

Although I became friends with the guys in Matt’s retinue, he never let me, or anyone else, forget that I was his girl. I was never to get too close or become too familiar with any of the regulars.

One evening, after we came home from a movie, we said good night to everyone and went upstairs. Returning to the kitchen a few minutes later to get something to eat, I found Jerry Schilling, who’d just started working for Matt, making himself a snack. We started talking. A few minutes later, Matt appeared.

“What the hell are you two doing down here?” he shouted at us.

Intimidated, Jerry said, “Well, Matt, we were just talking. I was asking her how she felt, because she didn’t feel well this afternoon.”

“I came down to get something to eat,” I explained.

“y/nn, you don’t need to be roaming around here late at night,” he said, angrily ordering me upstairs.

Behind me, I could hear him lashing out at Jerry. “If you want to keep this job, son, you mind your own business. If there’s anyone who’s going to ask her how she feels, it’ll be me. You better mind your own goddamn business.”

I liked Jerry. He was warm, sincere, and very personable; just a couple of years older than I, he was one of the few people who I could relate to. But from that time on, it was a dodging match every time we’d run into each other. Now Jerry and I laugh about the “good old days” when we reminisce.

Most of the boys who worked for Matt had been around from the beginning and they knew all about him—his sense of humor, his sensitivity, and his temper. He stripped himself bare in front of them, and they accepted him for what he was.

Yet working for Matt was a twenty-four-hour-a-day job, and the boys were at his beck and call constantly. They played when he played and slept when he slept. It took a certain kind of personality to put up with his demands, whether they made sense or not.

“Come on, y/nn, let’s go to Los Angeles. I’ll show you where I film movies.,” he said one afternoon when we’d only been up for a few hours. He called downstairs and told Alan to alert everyone that he wanted to leave within the hour.

Alan said, “Okay, Boss. I think Richard and Gene are still sleeping. I’ll give ’em a call and tell ’em to come right over.”

“Their lazy asses are still sleeping?” Matt asked. “I’ve been up for two goddamn hours. They should have been over here by now. Alan, from now on, when I call down for my breakfast, call the boys and tell them I’m up and to be ready for anything, and that may include me not even coming downstairs. I just want them here.”

Demanding? Yes, but Matt could be just as generous. By today’s standards the boys’ salaries were not high—the average paycheck was $250 a week—but if the boys ever felt the pinch by the end of the month, they would go to Matt. They’d ask him if he could help them out with a down payment on a house or the first and last months’ payments on an apartment. Matt always came through for them, lending them the one thousand or five thousand or ten thousand dollars they asked for. He was rarely if ever paid back.

There also was no limit to the expensive gifts he gave them—television consoles for Christmas, bonus checks, Cadillac convertibles, Mercedes-Benzes. If he heard someone was sad or depressed, he loved to surprise them with a gift, usually a brand-new car. When he gave to one, he would usually end up giving to all.

James didn’t have much respect for the guys. He said Matt just gave and gave and gave, and they took and took and took. He’d say, “Son, we have to save.” Matt would answer, “It’s only money, Dad. I just have to go out and make more.”

James resented the regulars acting as if Graceland was their personal club. They’d go into the kitchen at any hour and order anything they wanted. Naturally, everyone ordered something different. The cooks worked night and day keeping them happy. James felt, “To hell with the boys. Their main concern should be Matt.”

What was really outrageous was that the regulars were ordering sirloin steaks or prime ribs while Matt usually ate hamburgers or peanut butter and banana sandwiches.

I wasn’t too popular around Graceland when I started reorganizing the kitchen. I set down a policy of having one menu per meal, and anyone who didn’t like what was on it could go to a local restaurant. This new edict resulted in much grumbling from the guys, but the cooks were relieved, and James sanctioned my decision, announcing, “It’s about time someone organized the meals. It was beginning to look like we were feeding half of Boston.”

Matt was the boss, the provider, and the power. Both the boys and I had to protect him from people who annoyed or irritated him and were no longer in his favor. Before coming down for the evening, he’d have me call downstairs to check who was there. I’d run down the guests, aware that certain names would strike him wrong.

“Shit,” he’d say, his mood destroyed. “What’s he want? Bring me some more bad news?” He’d stay up in his room rather than spend an evening with someone he didn’t like. There was one particular regular who had incurred his disfavor, and Matt told everyone he didn’t want him around. “Don’t let him through those goddamn gates!” Matt ordered. “All I have to do is look at his face and I get depressed.” Matt barred him from Graceland for a number of years, saying, “If he changes his morbid attitude, maybe I’ll change my mind.” His perceptions were correct, as these “friends” eventually betrayed him.

Matt and James kept some of their relatives at a distance because, as Matt explained to me, they’d shunned him when he was growing up, ridiculing him as a sissy, a mama’s boy. Mary Lou stood up for Matt and told his tormentors to go their own way. Angrily, she had said, “Don’t bother us with these accusations.”

Then fame and fortune hit, and suddenly all the kinfolk came around, begging for jobs or crying that they needed help. Sometimes Matt got upset, charging, “The only time they visit is with their hand out. It’d be nice if they’d come around just to see how I was doing. But hell no, it’s always, ‘Ah, Matt, I could use a little extra cash. Could you help me out?’ Hell, I’ll bet when I’m dead and gone, they’ll still be taking advantage.” But Matt ended up slipping each of them a hundred dollars or more every time they came around. If it had been up to James, he would have gotten rid of every one of them. But Matt kept saying, “No, Dad, they don’t have any place to go. They couldn’t work anywhere. Keep them here.”

From the beginning of his success, Matt put many family members on salary, and all had titles. James was his business manager; Patsy, his personal secretary; uncles Vester Sturniolo and Johnny and Travis Smith, and cousin Harold Lloyd, gate guards; cousins Billy, Bobby, and Gene, personal aides; and then there was Tracy Smith, who seemed to go from brother to brother for support. Matt took care of everyone.

I remember one night at Graceland when Matt came back to the kitchen and saw Tracy pacing the floor. “Hey, Tracy,” he said, “How ya doing, man?” Tracy, his hands in his pockets, could hardly look Matt in the eye. “I don’t know, Matt,” he sighed. “What do ya mean, you don’t know? Everyone knows how they’re doin’, man.”

Tracy, shifting back and forth, mumbled, “I got my nerves in the dirt, Matt.” Matt staggered back, laughing. “Nerves in the dirt! Hell, I never heard it expressed like that before. You need some money, Tracy?”

Again, Tracy just shifted back and forth, as Matt called Nate over and told him to give Tracy a bill. A big smile covered Tracy’s lined face as he happily took his hundred dollars and walked out the door.

Matt knew that having his nerves in the dirt was Tracy’s way of saying he was down and out—and worried sick about it. He never forgot that phrase. “Poor ol’ Matt,” he’d say. “I’ll never forget the look on his face that night, poor ol’ guy.”

That was Matt—always caring, always sensitive to everyone’s needs, even while presenting a macho image to his fans and friends.

Anything I could think of doing for him, I did. I made sure Graceland was always warm and inviting, with the lights turned low, as he preferred them, the temperature in his bedroom set to his exact desire (freezing), and the kitchen filled with the aroma of his favorite meals.

Every night before dinner was served, I came downstairs first, checked with the maids to see that his food was just the way he liked it—his mashed potatoes creamily whipped, plenty of cornbread, and his meat burnt to perfection. I always had candles on the dining room table to create a romantic atmosphere despite the fact that we always ate with several of the regulars.

I loved babying Matt. He had a little-boy quality that could bring out the mother instinct in any woman, a beguiling way of seeming utterly dependent. It was this aspect of his charm that made me want to hold him, shower him with affection, protect him, fight for him, and yes, even die for him. I went to extremes in taking care of him, from cutting his steak at dinner to making sure his water glass was always filled. I enjoyed pampering and spoiling him and found myself jealous of others vying for his attention and approval.

But I didn’t always receive his approval. If something went wrong with his dinner, Matt blew up. “Why isn’t this steak done? Why didn’t you make sure the maids cooked it right? If you’d have done your job, it wouldn’t have turned out like this.” Obviously something else was wrong, and I didn’t recognize it at the time. Because of the continuous pressures and problems in Matt’s life, all magnified by taking prescribed drugs, little things would set him off. I took responsibility for everything in his life and always took it all too personally.

I wanted to be with Matt as much as I could, but while going to the movies or the fairgrounds every night might have been a wonderful way for him to relax, it posed an enormous problem for me. Often I wouldn’t get home until 5 or 6 a.m., and I’d have to be at school two hours later. Sometimes I never went to sleep. When I did, I could barely make it out of bed. I would lie there trying to drum up the strength to face the day, Matt making it even harder by suggesting that I sleep in and cut classes. It would have been so easy to go along with his suggestion, but hanging over me was the agreement I’d made with my parents. They trusted me and even though I was letting them down, I still had to keep up the facade.

Day after day I drove to school, attended classes till noon, then returned to Graceland to slip back into bed and cuddle next to Matt, who was still sound asleep. When he awoke at 3 or 4 p.m., I might never have left his side for all he knew. I was there to give him his usual order of orange juice, a Spanish omelet, home-fried potatoes, a mere two pounds of bacon, and—first and foremost—his black coffee.

Everyone who knew Matt was aware that it took him at least two to three hours to wake up fully. Asking him to make a decision, even a simple one such as what movie he wanted to see that night, was ill-advised. He was just too groggy and irritable from the sleeping pills, which were causing him to sleep as many as fourteen hours a day. It seemed only natural for him to take some Dexedrine to wake up.

I was always concerned about his intake of sleeping pills. His horror of insomnia, compounded with a family history of compulsive worrying, caused him to down three or four Placidyls, Seconals, Quaaludes, or Tuinals almost every night—and often it was a combination of all four. When I expressed my concern, he just picked up the medical dictionary, always near at hand on his night table.

“In here is the explanation for every type of pill on the market, their ingredients, side effects, cures, everything about them,” he assured me. “There isn’t anything I can’t find out.”

It was true. He was always reading up on pills, always checking to see what was on the market, and which ones had received FDA approval. He referred to them by their medical names and knew all their ingredients. Like everyone else around him, I was impressed with his knowledge and certain that he was an expert. One would think he had a degree in pharmacology. He always assured me that he didn’t need pills, that he could never become dependent on them. This difference in opinion resulted in many serious confrontations; I always compromised my integrity and ended up taking his viewpoint.

I began taking sleeping pills and diet pills too. Two Placidyls for him and one for me. A Dexedrine for him and one for me. Eventually Matt’s consumption of pills seemed as normal to me as watching him eat a pound of bacon with his Spanish omelet. I routinely took “helpers” in order to get to sleep after wild rides at the fairgrounds or early-morning jam sessions. And I routinely took more “helpers” when I woke up in order to maintain the fast pace and, more importantly, to study for my final exams.

During the last month before finals, I started popping more dexies than before. They seemed to give me the energy I needed to get through classes and homework. Every free moment was devoted to cramming a whole semester’s work into a few weeks. But my concentration was scattered; the strain of life at Graceland had finally caught up with me.

I had already been warned by Sister Adrian that in order for me to graduate, I had to pass all my subjects. During a talk in her office, I wanted desperately to confide in her and explained how hard it was to maintain my grade level with the late hours I kept: But how could I tell that to a nun?

I had no real goals after graduation, but I did sometimes dream of becoming a dancer or possibly enrolling in an art academy. Now I realize that I was deeply influenced by Matt’s casual attitude toward continued schooling. He figured I didn’t need it and I agreed. Just being with him most of the time would provide an education—not to mention experience—that no school could give me. He wanted me to be his totally, free to go to him in an instant if he needed me.

That sounded great to me. I’d never planned on a future without Matt. Therefore, while my classmates were deciding which colleges to apply to, I was deciding which gun to wear with what sequined dress. I was tempted to say to Sister Adrian, “Oh, by the way, Sister, does gunmetal gray go with royal blue sequins?” With that attitude it was no surprise that I was still woefully unprepared for my most hated subject, algebra, the week before finals.

On the day of the test, I sat in the crowded classroom, hyper from downing a dexy, trying to work out the problems. Despite my effort, I knew there was no way I was going to pass. I started to panic. I had to graduate. I had an obligation to Matt and to my parents, who I knew would yank me out of Graceland the minute I failed this test. I glanced at the girl next to me—and at her completed test paper. It’s my last resort, I thought. I’m going for it. I was not willing to face the consequences of being sent home for failing this test.

Her name was Janet and she was a straight A student. I tapped her on the shoulder and flashed my brightest smile, whispering, “Are you a Matt fan?” Taken aback by my question, Janet nodded yes. “How would you like to come to one of his parties?” I asked.

“Are you kidding?” she replied. “I’d love to.”

“Well, I know a way that it can be arranged.”

I eyed her test paper and explained. Janet instantly grasped my dilemma and, without a word, slid her paper to the edge of her desk. Now I had a full view of her answers. I spent the rest of the hour furiously copying them down and I not only passed, but I got an A on that test.

I hadn’t expected Matt to make much of my graduation. His attitude was, “A diploma’s not that important; life’s experiences are.” But to my surprise, he really looked forward to it and arranged to have a big party for our friends after the ceremony. There he presented a beautiful red Corvair, my first car.

On the big night he was like a proud parent. Nervous about what he should wear to the ceremony, he finally settled on a dark blue suit, and I put on my navy blue gown. I couldn’t possibly keep the cap on over that mass of teased hair.

Matt had a limo waiting for us out front. But there was one problem: I did not want him to come to the actual ceremony. It would attract a lot of attention, and all eyes would be focused on him instead of the graduating seniors.

Finally I worked up enough courage to ask him to wait outside, and explained why. Smiling his funny little grin, the one that came to his lips when he was hurt or upset, he agreed without hesitation. “I hadn’t thought about that,” he said. “I won’t come in. I’ll just be outside in the car waiting for you. That way I’ll kinda be there.”

And that was what he did. I accepted my diploma with mixed emotions. I would have loved for him to have been watching, but only I knew what a physical, emotional, and mental strain it had been to get that piece of paper. To me, it represented freedom, freedom to stay out until dawn if I wanted and sleep all day if I wanted. It represented freedom from my school uniform and from the teasing the entourage subjected me to every time they caught me in it trying to sneak past them at Graceland. I was a big girl playing in the big leagues.

As soon as I could get away, I ran outside. In front of the church, Matt and the boys were standing by the long black limo, looking like the Chicago Mafia in their dark glasses and suits, each concealing a.38. Around them a group of nuns were clamoring for Matt’s autograph.

Excerpt from: "Elvis and Me" by Priscilla Beaulieu Presley. Scribd. This material may be protected by copyright.

a/n - so cute🎀

[xirex]

JULIA ✮ RELATIONSHIPS ?!

! CHAN . . . CHANLIA / 2LETTE

her contact name : juju 🩷

his contact name : channie 🤍

her father omg. the moment he saw 10-year-old julia in a training room was the moment he knew he had to protect her. julia had just come from australia at that time and having chan, someone who could understand exactly how she was struggling as a foreigner, really helped her in the long run. chan would always be with the girl, to the point where he was helping her get ready for school in the morning and even pick her up in the afternoon. julia relies on chan a lot for a variety of things; whether it be helping her create a song to taste-testing her food to make sure it's perfect. chan can basically read the girl like an open book. he can tell when she isn't feeling well or when she's really excited to do something, even before she can at times. don't get me wrong, julia does mess with chan a lot, but behind those teasing words and smirk, she knows she has someone who will always care for her, at her highest of highs and lowest of lows.

viral moments : julia feeling sick during a tour stop & chan giving her one GLANCE and immediately rushing over and asking if she's alright // chan moving over to let julia pick something out in a game first // chan sitting next to her while they were eating on a vlive & when she was talking, randomly patting her head

'2lette' came from fans. more of an inside joke; chan's shaving brand is gillette and julia says she'd use that brand if she ever had to

? LEE KNOW . . . JUHO / PABOZ

her contact name : child ☝

his contact name : lee knows nothing 🤓

she was so scared of him when they first met. like he just. looked scary. she got to know him a lot better over the time they spent preparing for debut and they became extremely close. julia looks up to him a lot, and similar to chan, she's like his daughter. they bond over their skill in dance— it was what brought them together in the first place. she also trusts his judgement; whenever julia feels like she needs guidance or another opinion on something she'll go to minho and ask for his perspective. he's the one who can talk her into doing things and it literally always works; usually whenever she's sick he and chan team up to get her to lay down. lee know is like julia's mother and chan's the father !!! he does spend a lot of time teasing her though. over her height, her saying something funnily, her tripping, etc. everything she does is funny to him ? but its okay, it's all in love ofc !!

viral moments : in skz code 08, julia holding onto minho the entire time they were on the mission (poor minho .. two scaredy cats at his side) // julia being frustrated over not wanting to do something, minho stopping her to try and persuade her & julia immediately agreeing after // minho saving a take-out box of food he didn't like knowing julia would probably eat it

'paboz' came from the members in an early skz code ep

! CHANGBIN . . . BINLIA / SYOTDARIZ

her contact name : lee money

his contact name : gym rat 🌵

MY SUNSHINE AND SUNSHINE PROTECTOR DUO I CANNOT. whenever she's running around playing with one of the boys or just by herself he'll be like standing in the back with the most proud smile ever. they enjoy teasing each other, and will take up any opportunity possible to; at restaurants, during filming, etc. when changbin's on "watch the maknaes" duty and sees julia about to do something he's run towards her, pull her away, smack her head, and then go back to what he was doing before.. it's happened on camera too many times. he also helps julia during song recording because she tends to mess up or misread certain korean bits. her #1 fanboy !! whenever she has an idea for a song he'll just sit and listen attentively and even help her tweak the lyrics. changbin tries his best to understand julia's struggle as the only girl and just wants the best for her in the long run

viral moments : julia on a vlive gushing over how much changbin's helped her improve her korean over the years // changbin being so patient with julia while trying to teach her how to do something // binlia seeing each other for the first time after months and hugging so tightly

syotdari / 숏다리 = short legs, they're the shortest two in the group

? HYUNJIN . . . JUJIN / BATTERIES

her contact name : llama?

his contact name : samsamsam 😯

two human batteries that never die out. julia highly influences hyunjin into doing silly shit, like pranking the members, teasing them, just causing chaos anywhere and everywhere.. it's a little crazy. they're both extroverts when together, minho and chan see them fooling around in their nightmares i swear. back to the calmer side; they love to draw and paint together. julia has a lot of the paintings they've made together hung up in her room. hyunjin was the one to talk her through panic attacks (and still is!!) when they were frequent and that was one of the only times they would actually be quiet together. whenever julia feels like she needs to take a break or just have time to breathe while on stage, hyunjin would immediately be at her side making sure she's alright. hyunjin's probably the one who talks her into doing things that she probably shouldn't be doing in newer places. they also go live together so often, and half of those lives are just filled with them dancing or teasing each other.

viral moments : on a tour stop, hyunjin running around with julia on his back // yet another tour video, julia stepping off to the side breathing heavily & hyunjin immediately going over and passing her a water bottle // on a v-live hyunjin & julia painting together, julia showing hyunjin her canvas and him cooing and saying it looks great

'batteries' comes from the two being known as human batteries when together.

! HAN . . . LIASUNG / NINIZ

her contact name : 땅콩 [ peanut ]

his contact name : my hannie 🤍

you thought jujin was bad? these two are worse. they'll take any possible opportunity to argue with each other. most times it's just to mess with the older members, but they do enjoy teasing each other. in fact, you can usually tell something's up with one or the other when they go more than an hour without saying some kind of belittling comment to eo. however, despite all of this, they're insanely close. whenever another one of the hyungs isn't there to help, they'll usually go to eo during panic attacks. they also share the same fear of heights; when skz has to do something that's relatively high up, liasung will be clinging to eo for dear life. they're like the twins of skz—both the fans and the boys themselves call the pair that. they're always together; on stage, at the dorms, even in variety shows or random vlogs. so many random 1 am bubble updates from them going on late-night walks or convenience store runs.

viral moments : them teasing eo and then 5 seconds later going "i love you~ every second // liasung absolutely dominating in a game of bowling on a show // during a fansign, julia stealing han's hat and after trying to get it back a bunch of times, he just lets her have it

'niniz' came out of nowhere. a member used it to refer to the pair and it just stuck.

? FELIX . . . LIXIA / SUNSHINEZ

her contact name : tiny lee 🌟

his contact name : bokkie 🌞

MY SUNSHINE BABIESSS !!!! the two that will make you smile the moment you see them together. they love eo so much it's just so fluffy and sweet. felix is another member you'll always see julia with because they love to be around each other. julia even admitted she spends more time in jeongin's / felix's rooms because they're so comfortable with eo. julia and felix always talk in english to each other out of habit; when they met, they immediately started to converse in english rather than korean. julia's the person who influences felix to take up his interests, like baking for example! julia also has a lot of matching items with felix, whether it be clothes, jewelry, even phone charms or cases. they both just have so much love to give and it's so evident in the way they treat each other and the members. these two have so many concert / fansign videos of them just hugging or playing with eo; felix likes to let julia play around as much as possible since she's been a trainee since she was a kid and didn't really have a childhood.

viral moments : felix and julia going into a haunted house together and not coming out for another 45 minutes // julia facetiming felix in the middle of his live // felix posting a video on bubble of julia just sitting on their counter eating leftover cookie dough mix

'sunshinez' comes from them being known as the sunshine duo.

! SEUNGMIN . . . JUMIN / STYLISTS

her contact name : tiger 🐯

his contact name : minnie mouse

julia see julia do with seungmin istg. so many clips of him randomly doing something and julia immediately copying him. he's like a little devil on her shoulder. seungmin's fooling around? oh, julia's probably with him. they're always teaming up to tease the members at any given chance, basically chan & minho's worst nightmare. seungmin knows how to get under her skin, and vice versa. they enjoy styling the members together and have been appointed at the two stylists of skz. two people who enjoy showing their affection through big small actions rather than words, which is why they're so close. seungmin's helped her perfect her vocal abilities over the years, and when she got moved to vocalracha, he was the most excited because they'd get to work together more often. when julia falls asleep backstage, she's usually laying on seungmin's shoulder or seungmin's going over and laying a blanket on her or fixing her hair / posture.

viral moments : in the xmas skz code, seungmin randomly flying a paper airplane and julia doing the same soon after // seungmin uploading pics of julia sleeping on him while he's just doing a peace sign // seungmin & julia being on a team tgt and not being able to finish their mission bcz they spent the entire time messing around

'stylists' comes from the two being known as skz's stylists

? I.N . . . INLIA / TWIN FLAMES

her contact name : nyangie 🐱

his contact name : INNIEEEEEEEEE 🩵

MY POOKIES HELLO. the twin flames of skz. julia's like jeongin's little sister please. they've been close ever since the survival show, like their friendship is natural. julia spends so much time with jeongin, more than any other member. they're extremely clingy with each other, like two little kids. they show their love for each other by being clingy & constantly playing around with eo. constant stealing from eo; jeongin could have a sweatshirt one day and the next, it'll be gone & vice versa. they're each other's hype person!! julia enjoys cheering him on in an annoying voice just to mess with him. no doubt the closest duo of stray kids, literally nothing could come between them. another member she has a lot of matching items with. the main reason julia spends a lot of time with him / in his room is because they're always assigned to be together anyway; hotel roommates, game partners, even being sent away by the members to go fetch something from the shops. if one's smiling and laughing, the other is too. jeongin always serves her first, and even hand feeds her food if she asks him. also!! they're so attentive to each other. never a moment were they aren't listening to eo so well and lovingly I CANT.

viral moments : mt skz code, they were in the pool and just started to try and drown eo ?? (affectionate) // in a fansign, jeongin received two animal headbands, so he reached over to put one on julia's head // julia and jeongin in the background of a member's vlog trying to fight ?? hug ?? they were doing something.

'twin flames' comes from them being known as the twin flames / platonic soulmates of skz.

xia's message . . . this took .. so long .. taglist . . . open!

[urf1lterr]

lovesick | pedro pascal [4]

"and on this night and in this light i think im falling, im falling for you."

previous chapter: [3] series masterlist

summary: in which a 1975-obsessed film student accidentally falls in love with an older man she can't have.

pairing: actor!pedro x intern!reader

genre: acting world!au, big age-gap!, strangers to friends- maybe lovers?? au | angst, mature, awkward, love- eventually

word count: 10.6k

status: in progress

author's note: so sorry for the long wait! but i tried making this chapter longggg. i typically have my days off altogether and the rest of the week booked with work/school. i try to post many chapters within my short timeframe (bc im booked af) so pls expect another update soon after this one! sadly, it takes me around 8-10 hours to write one bc its hard to think lol. also, i don't want this to be too long of a series and kinda wanna connect the dots- slowly but surely, ya know? not edited.

"So, he just came knocking on your door at 6am?" Joon questioned, taking a sip of his smoothie soon afterwards. "I can't even wake up that early."

"We had to do that everyday for our last job."

"I woke up ten minutes before I had to be out the door," he shrugged. "Men get ready fast."

"Anyway," you eyed him as he cluelessly did the same, confused as to why you wouldn't look away. "I don't remember him coming."

"Yeah, because you fucking freaked out and hallucinated over Lady Gaga," Jules exclaimed, you automatically cringing just at the horrible memories you've recently faced with that damn cat.

Once she explained what had happened hours after you had woken up, you were disturbingly shocked.

And the fact that your sleepiness was to blame had you going insane- imagine all the other odd things you may had committed while under the covers.

But you will admit you did remember some of that night's events clearly, again like you practically making out with Lady Gaga- although she was the one who licked your face endlessly first.

Mortified just by the thoughts, you will never be able to face Pedro again sanely.

How could you when you recently dreamed about a man 25 years older being intimate with you- that's...confusing. And the worst part of it all was you couldn't say anything to anyone with the fear of being judged or laughed at- maybe both.

The thing was you couldn't quite understand why you had to dream about that. Maybe your time of the month was coming and your hormones targeted the first guy you had nonstop contact with?

No, that would've been Joon.

Attraction may had played a part but Joon definitely had that, Pedro as well but a little different...age-wise at least. There's no way you felt allured for men with bad jokes and rough skin- no offense. Right?

He did text you that same morning he dropped by and commented on how creepy you are half asleep and whether or not you agreed to his 'business' proposal. Not trying to start a conversation you knew you couldn't finish, out of second-hand shame, you just replied a simple:

LOL but busy with school atm to make a final decision- tell ya later

That later still hasn't arrived.

Unfortunately, you forgot to ask him why he made a random visit that morning- but you weren't going to ask him days later. In your mind, you need to avoid him. There's no way you'd be able to act normal after have unholy fascinations about him.

Not that it'll be a problem, you two hadn't seen each other for weeks before your cafe encounter, you're sure you can do it again without him noticing your distance.

It's been about two days since then which meant you didn't have to prioritize so much of your time on homework, you'll just save that for Sunday when it's all due.

"Did you bother to ask him why?" Jules added, turning to you. "He obviously wasn't coming to see me- I barely know the guy."

"You do know him!" you argue as she rolls her eyes. "You literally got mad at me for not recognizing him the first time we met."

"He's a celebrity- everybody knows him," she defends before tilting her head in curiosity. "But you two are oddly close, it's kind of weird."

"No," you shake your head, trying to laugh off her suspicions. "We are casual friends who fan girl over the same things."

People did take notice how close Pedro and you were but it wasn't anybody's fault you two had so much in common. Both of you loved Starbucks, going on hikes- when you weren't lazy, and believe Matt Healy is extremely attractive.

If they have a problem with that they can sue you.

"I see it," Joon adds, jumping up a bit. "Him and I barely talk and we're men- we should be bonding easily!"

"You're...you," Jules cringes, making Joon glare in return. "I can understand why he chooses not to be close to you."

Laughing, you watch as Joon quickly flips her the finger before he continues on with the conversation. "I just feel like he always comes around only to see you, it was pretty obvious since the first time he took us home."

Furrowing your eyebrows, you didn't understand what he meant by that. Pedro offered all three of you a ride home, not just you.

Already feeling done with this topic, you wanted to switch it before things started escalating and freaky theories started unfolding. They had every right to question your friendship, but you were starting to think they might be leading down a road where they may soon develop other impressions as to what your friendship might have been.

Why are you even thinking that? That's so inappropriate to imagine.

"You two are silly, he probably needed my advice on something or wanted to workout," you suggest, their faces showing they weren't fully convinced. "But anywho, did you call Yoongi yet?"

"I don't think that's a great idea," Joon declared, adjusting in your warm sofa. "He's not really a skating kind of guy."

Since it was Friday and you had no plans, you thought it would be a fun idea to be adventurous for once and do something you would never do on a regular basis.

Ice Skate.

Your friends were extremely down with the idea, but you needed a fourth person to make the group complete. Why not a skinny, impatient blonde man who would probably spend the whole night complaining about why this plan was awful?

Right now you could use some other grumpiness in your life.

"Just tell him to go," you beam back, clapping your hands in excitement as you'll soon be able to fall countless of times on the ice. "I'll buy him hot cocoa."

"You better do it or he'll never let that go," Joon states.

After hours of sitting around and blasting random music through your speakers, the three of you were ready to set off on your journey of locating the ice rink.

If it wasn't for Joon's constant whining to stop walking to take pictures of the scenery you probably would've arrived 15 minutes sooner than your actual arrival, but too bad your friend is a nature freak.

"You taking pictures of the pigeons better not be the reason why you're late," you heard Yoongi grumble as the three of you finally found him sitting on a bench near the entrance of the rink, staring directly at Joon who just scoffed.

"I'm sorry if my happiness bothers you," Joon snapped back as Yoongi just stood up from his seat and made his way to your trio.

Grabbing your ice skates wasn't too difficult as the long line seemed to flow by smoothly, but standing on them was a different story.

"I can't do this," you squeal as your hurriedly motion your arms around to find some balance. "I'm falling!"

Yoongi sent you a questionable look as he watched your poor attempts to stay still embarrassing. "We're not even on the ice yet."

Feeling a hand grab a hold on your shoulders and practically drag your feet towards the ice, you glance up to see Jules steadily directing you to face your fears.

Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

"Are you going to push her in?!" you hear Joon gasp a few feet behind you but you couldn't turn your head as you rather focused your attention on yanking yourself off of Jules.

"It was her idea so she'll be the one going in first."

"Ahh!" you screech, putting all your pressure on your feet to stop her hard pull. Spiraling your ankles in the most crucial ways, you start to lightly slap her arms off you as she continues to fight them off.

One thing about her was she's going to make sure to remind you that this was your idea.

Feeling an arm gently tug you off her grip, you landed on Yoongi's side as Jules whined in return, offended that he ruined her vicious plan. Respectfully, he kept you stable with an arm wrapped behind your middle back as you gripped his other one, fearful she might snatch you away again.

"Why would you do that?!"

"I don't think watching her fall face first on the hard ice would be a fun sight to see," he bluntly returned as Jules huffed. "The sight of blood gives me the ick."

"I was waiting for that moment all afternoon," Jules sighed, disappointed that she wouldn't be seeing you fall- yet.

Waiting for her to walk away to go on the ice, you see Joon follow her before you released your friend, relieved that she wouldn't be partaking in her scandalous scheme just yet.

"You do know how to skate, right?" Yoongi asked, his uncertain eyes on yours as you crazily wave your arms in front of him to rub off his questionable thoughts.

"Do I? Of course I do!" you argue, making your way towards the ice until you were two feet away from it. Putting your feet on the edge, you hesitate as you could feel the cold breeze wrap around you legs. "I'm gonna go now."

"Yippy," he states, waiting at your poor attempts to convince him.

Giving him a thumbs up, you clap your hands together to try to reassure yourself that you could do this, forgetting that he was right behind you secretly laughing.

Taking one final breath, you placed your right foot on top of the ice steadily, trying your best not to make any harsh movements, until you felt a hard jerk on your upper body, making you lose yourself in an instant.

"God, if you don't know how to skate why would you suggest it?" Yoongi grumbled, gliding both your bodies along the ice as he held tightly onto your arms. You were practically skating like a wet dog in front of him, begging with your eyes for him not to abandon you.

"I always wanted to try."

Sending you an annoyed look, you zipped your mouth as his arms were now securing you, closing any gaps there may have been and giving you the ride of your life.

Shutting your eyes harshly, you didn't dare to witness the environment around as you felt the icy wind slap your face the faster you two- or at least by Yoongi's swaying, got.

There were times where he did pretend to lose his balance, causing you to cry in horror and him immediately placing his hand over your mouth by how loud you weaped.

But other than that, you came to enjoy his help as your two other friends rudely abandoned you guys in order to practice their poor attempts of leaping across the rink.

"Okay," Yoongi started, releasing his left hand from your side and keeping you close with only his other. "Now you try on your own."

Fear creeping up in your face, you rapidly shake your head in disagreement and try catching his recent abandoned arm, which he denied. "I can't."

"Can't or won't?" he countered back making you silent.

He did have a point.

"C'mon, it's not that hard. If Joon could do it, you can."

"He's literally on the ground right now," you whine as Yoongi quickly averts his eyes in search of your tall friend, soon finding Joon clutching his knee in pain as Jules records on her phone.

"No."

Sighing, he continues to look around, trying to plan out an idea that would at least convince you to slide a few feet alone without his help until he smirked and met your eyes.

"What would Matt Healy do?"

Widening your eyes, you were taken back by his question.

Only Pedro used that line on you.

And for some reason it felt odd when Yoongi did the same. You shouldn't be bothered by his choice of words...but you were a little.

He wasn't him to be saying it.

"He wouldn't force me to do something I didn't want to do," you reply back, causing him to groan.

"I feel like you just want to be in my arms," he retorted with a grin, immediately making you revolt and fly out of his arms, your bottom hitting the ice hard. "Well that's one way to make you skate."

Feeling immediate pain on the back of your thighs, you just knew you were going to be bruised and swollen the next day. But hey, this technically counts for your workout for the week.

Awkwardly swaying your body around, you couldn't get up off the damn ice. You were sure you looked like a fish out of water by how crazy you were moving.

"Get on your knees," Yoongi commented, causing you to send him a death glare as he lifted his hands up in defense. "It helps you stand."

Or he could just grab your arms and help you himself.

Cautiously following his suggestion, you slowly pull your right leg up and place it firmly on the ice before slowly trying to do so with your left one. As you began to feel satisfied with the weight being supported, you felt your body finally working and lifting up off the ground before he poked your shoulder- making you fall again.

"I'm going to murder you!" you threaten as you stare at him on your back, whole body restlessly laying on the ground in misery as he cackles loudly.

He may have advantage on the ice, but oh man- once you regain your balance off it you were going to end that slender man's life.

"Isn't this just a sight to see," you heard someone exclaim before hands grab your arms and soon lift you back on your feet.

Moving your eyes to the ones in front of you, you burst out in smiles. "Bella! Nico!"

"I take this as my queue to leave,'" you hear Yoongi mumbles but you swiftly grab his arm from his close proximity and halt his plans.

He was not going to desert you now.

"What are you girls doing here?"

Not seeing them for a few weeks didn't make things awkward, but different. It was like catching up with old friends, even though you barely met them less than three months ago.

"Had nothing to do tonight so why not ice skate?" Nico giggled.

Bella examined you up and down before pointing at your head. "My god, your hair grew so long. Has it really been that long?"

Rolling your eyes, you were about to answer her before Yoongi cut in. "No, it's her fake extenstions."

Gasping, you turn your body to him and smack his shoulder as he smacks you back. One thing about him, he's all about equality. You touch him, he touches you- simple.

You don't see the way Nico and Bella exchange smirks to one another before Nico slides in front of you and pulls out her phone. "We should take a selfie! You know, for memories."

Laughing, you agree. You took some pictures with them but never really out of the work environment.

Uncomfortably standing still, Yoongi hastily moves to the side a bit, not wanting to intrude this moment you were having with your friends. He was a pretty sociable person, but only if they had things in common and he fairly knew them.

Yoongi didn't know these two young girls and he sure as hell didn't want to be the one being kicked out of this picture- so why not kick himself out first?

"Where are you going, we need your long arm to get us all in the frame!" Bella exclaimed, motioning Yoongi to move back as he sent her a flustered glance.

"I can just take it with the three of you."

"Nonsense!" Nico argued back, shaking her head as you giggled. "We don't leave people out."

Biting his bottom lip a bit, he scratches the back of his neck swiftly before increasing the speed of his skates to the girl, accepting her phone. "I suppose."

Fixing your posture, you stand behind your friend as he carefully raises his right arm up in the air, positioning the phone that was able to capture all four of you in the frame.

Pulling out the gummiest smile, you bursted out a gigantic grin after seeing the rare radiant expression Yoongi was giving. He was never one to show much emotion so finding him giving in for a picture amused you.

Taking the phone out of his hands, Bella examined the screen before chuckling. "Wow, you've got one adorable smile."

You could've sworn you saw Yoongi blush as he lowered his head while shaking off her compliment, trying to act natural but he wasn't fooling anyone.

He was shy.

Gasping at the sight in front of her, Nico pointed at the concession cart near one of the exits of the ice. "They have hot cocoa! We must get some."

Faking a groan, Bella allowed her friend to drag her away but not before sending you a pout to follow, which you were happy to do. You were freezing to death without even realizing it until you stopped your attempts to skate for the picture.

"I was promised a free cup," Yoongi stated as he was gliding behind you, softly pushing your back as you proceeded to do nothing but allow him to direct you to where your desired hot cocoa was.

Scoffing a little, you shush him as you reached the exit ramp. Jumping off, the two of you slowly waddled to Bella and Nico who were next in line.

"Wait," you start, pausing your footsteps which resulted in him almost falling after slamming to your side. "Shouldn't we ask Joon and Jules if they want one?"

Peeking over your shoulder, Yoongi looks back down to you. "Nah, don't wanna ruin their fun."

Following his recent glance, you could see Joon and Jules in front of one another, both holding hands as they try to catch a faster pace while twirling in big circles.

You were sure they were eventually going to knock a small child over soon.

"Next," you hear the worker call out, sitting behind his register waiting for your arrival.

Quickly walking up, you place your order as nothing else but the hot drinks seemed to interest you. The total came out to be the cost as what four drinks at your local cafe would be, but you shouldn't be surprised since this place was pretty popular to the public.

Pulling out his wallet so fast, you didn't have to process what Yoongi was doing until you caught the view of his credit card as he handed it over to the man in front of you.

"No-" you try intercepting what had just happened by giving your card to the worker who just shrugged as he had already paid for the drinks on Yoongi's card. "Why would you do that?"

"You're too slow," Yoongi bluntly said as he grabbed the two drinks and moved to the side so the next person in line could place their order.

"But it hadn't even been three seconds since he said the total before you handed him the card," you protest.

He handed you your cup, hoping it'll shut you up as he took a small sip from his own. "And?"

Is he being serious? "'And,'" you question as he continued to be unaware as to what you were getting at. "Since the beginning I vowed to buy you hot cocoa."

Yoongi laughed at how stubborn you were becoming. "Vowed? What a great word choice for this scenario, fiance."

Rolling your eyes at his teasing, you hated the fact he was avoiding your question. You knew he did it because he wanted to be a gentleman, but the problem was he didn't want to admit he was one.

Again, he was being shy.

"I see you are kind," you smirk as he gave you a disgusted glance. "Don't worry, I won't tell people you have a heart."

Before he could leave a snarky comeback, Nico and Bella came back in giggles as Yoongi retreated back to his natural state of looking lifeless. "Oh my gosh- we went to get napkins and I kid you not I may have poured my drink on the back of this poor little girl."

Lightly gasping, you widen your eyes as Yoongi confusingly replies back. "May have? You don't know if you did or not?"

Bella makes an accountable face, scrunching her nose in the process. "Okay, I did. But she's the one who ran into me!"

"Well, she was really small and you kind of didn't search your surroundings before kneeing her," Nico exposed, causing Yoongi and you to give each other a concerned look.

"You kneed her?!"

"Only in her side," Bella excused herself, sending Nico a betrayed look. "It wasn't like it was her stomach."

"It practically was...," Nico mumbled but became silent when her co-star eyed her hard.

Coughing uncomfortably, Yoongi caught everyone's attention as he tried to avert the conversation into something that wasn't as horrific as striking a child with hot cocoa and a knee. "We should probably hit the ice again soon before Jules and Joon find out we got these drinks without them."

"Jules is here?!" Bella beamed, searching around for her through the large gatherings of people on the ice. "I missed that crazy lady, she was the only one who would get my coffee order right."

"She told me she would threaten to get the baristas fired if they kept getting it wrong," Nico recalled, chewing her mouth a little. "That's why I stopped letting her take my orders."

Sighing, you looked up in the ceiling in disapproval as you could feel Yoongi laughing his ass off beside you. That was very Jules of her to do.

After another two hours of trying to figure out how to skate, and basically latching onto Yoongi the whole time as Bella and Nico were doing laps around you guys, you finally made it home.

To say you were exhausted would be an understatement- you were drained.

No, seriously. You hadn't worked out this much since Jules and you almost missed the subway two months ago and had to run three blocks to catch it on time.

That day was dreadful, but you were sure if you went to bed you were going to wake up lifeless like a worm.

"I call the shower first!" you hear Jules scream, running to her room in order to grab her belongings but you were faster and instantly made your way to the bathroom, locking the door before she could break in. "You bitch! How dare you steal it with my back turned!"

Grinning evilly to yourself, you wanted to get your night routines over with so you could hit the pillows quickly. Even after taking off all your makeup, taking a very steamy shower, and doing your nightly skin care routine, you were sure you could easily knock out sitting on the toilet if you had the chance.

We all have done it once in our lives.

Opening the door, the steam flows out smoothly as you face your very displeased roommate on the other side, glaring at you. "All yours," you smile, stepping to the side but she roughly pushes you in response, causing you to yelp as you manage to catch your balance midway.

Mental note, burn her eggs next breakfast.

Stepping into your room, you change into an oversized hoodie and sweats before throwing yourself under your covers in excitement.

The moment you've been waiting for all day: sleep.

Closing your eyes, you feel all your senses slowly drifting away from your body as relaxation crept up from all around. It was truly intoxicating how in trance you were.

But of course with your luck, nothing goes as planned- ever.

Wildly jumping up from the loud blaring of your phone, you cover your face in agony as the vibrations and noise cause pain throughout your entire body.

Who the hell was calling you at 10 o'clock at night? This should be illegal.

After taking a minute to control yourself, the ringing stopped. Good, now you won't have to make time to engage in a conversation. Quickly falling back down onto your pillows, it wasn't even ten seconds later before you feel your phone going off like crazy again.

With you eyes shut, you move your hands around your bed until you feel the cool object underneath your pillow. Lazily pressing any button, without batting one eye open, you move the phone to your ear before releasing a groggy, "What?"

"What a lovely way to greet somebody, kiddo."

You instantly freeze, automatically thinking about the vivid dream you had about him, then Lady Gaga, and felt a blush creeping in.

Slowly pulling the phone away, you let out a loud but fast scream before moving it back. How the hell are you going to begin a conversation without thinking about his lips on yours. "What do you want?"

Pausing for a second, you can hear him move around through his end. "Did you just scream?"

It's not like you didn't just dream about him kissing all over your body two nights ago.

"Did you just wake me up to ask me the obvious answer?"

Act like you don't care. Like you are perfectly fine.

He chuckles lightly and you can tell by his tone he was close to passing out too. "Somebody's cranky, is it past your bedtime?" Pedro teased.

You were definitely not in the mood to handle his ridicules at this hour, especially by how nervous he was slowly making you. What did he want?

"Yes," you simply reply before hitting the red button, ending the call and laying your head back on your pillow. Good, just end it before you make a bigger fool out of yourself.

It hadn't even been another ten seconds before your phone was ringing once again. Pulling it up to your face, you let out a huff. What a shocker, it was him again.

"You better have an insanely good reason as to why you chose to wake me up in the middle of my dream," you immediately say as you press the 'accept' button.

Hearing him laugh, you just know he has a sarcastic comment coming any second. "Wake you up? Honey, you're still living your dream talking to me."

Honey.

No, not another nickname for him to call you in future dreams.

Shaking that thought away, you rejected the idea of him being in any more dreams- you forbid it.

Loss at words for a second, you almost let your next words trip over one another before calmly gaining your composure at the incidental choice of your pet name.

"So funny," you reply back, trying your best to sound sane. "Pretty sure I was dreaming of a very shirtless Matt Healy playing 'Please Be Naked' to me."

Why the fuck would you slip that out.

"Are you trying to hint at something?" he smirks, making you press mute and hold your hand over your mouth to hold back the screams you feared would release.

Feeling like your soul was about to leave your body, you couldn't believe he just said that.

Actually, you couldn't believe you would even recommend that song. God, your sleepiness was messing with your mind.

Finding your energy once again, you unmute the call and try to seem unfazed by his last comment. "Yes, that I want to sleep. Goodbye now."

Before you could hit the red button again, you could hear him chanting over the phone to do the exact opposite. "Don't!"

Groaning, you clutch the phone harder in despair. "I am so tired. Don't do this to me, please. I am a girl who values her sleep!" you whine as you hear him continue his light giggles in the background. "If I don't sleep I will die, is this what you want. Are you trying to kill me?"

"I can reassure you I don't plan on keeping you up long," he explains. "And I wouldn't dare wish for your death."

Your heart fluttering, you glare at your chest. "Then what do you want?"

Moving his phone from one ear to the other, he lays in his bed while smiling at his ceiling. "You," he declares, making you widen your eyes as he shuffles around in his blanket. "Tomorrow, let's hang out."

Sitting up against your bed frame, you furrow your brow. "Hang out? For what?" There's no way you will be able to act normal for a long period of time, your weak-self can't do it.

Placing a hand over his chest, he lets out a light hiss in fake hurt by your comeback before continuing. "Can't I hang out with you by choice and not by a work schedule? Unless you're so disgusted by me." That's when he started his fake cries. "I'm so sorry I am not Matt Healy and can't do a great British accent."

Shaking your head, you try to intervene as his ugly cries become louder through the line. "That's not what I meant, stop being dramatic," you complain as he instantly stops while smiling widely. "Is there a specific reason why you want to hang out?"

Taking a deep breath, he fiddles with the fingers on his non-occupied hand. "Does there need to be a reason?"

You pause for a second. He's acting too kind for your liking and it's making you question what his intentions are. In this point of time, you're sure he's going to take that moment to convince you to work with him in Canada.

"With you there's always a reason."

Scoffing lightly, he grumbles. "I just want to go on a hike and need a hiking partner."

Oh hell no, you already did enough working out this evening. You were not about to do that again, that's for sure.

"Yeah, nooo," you exhale lowly. "I already did too much working out with my body if you know what I mean and-"

"I don't know what that means," he cuts you off.

"It means I am going to be sore for days so my body has no strength to walk for more than five minutes," you declare as he falls silent.

After a few seconds that felt like forever, he replies. "Fine," he blankly states. "Have a goodnight, sweetheart."

The warmth as blood began drawing to your face became present as you quickly reply with a simple "night" before ending the call. And for some reason you felt as if you couldn't breathe normally by the pounding on your chest.

What the hell was happening to you. Looking up at the ceiling, you silently pray you don't have a Lady Gaga 2.0 fiasco.

As you were questioning why your heart made you feel as if you were going under cardiac arrest the night before, your body was currently making you feel if you really needed to make that trip to the ER by how tender you were.

It also didn't help that Jules was the one waking you up at the crack of dawn, half asleep with her eye mask clinging onto her forehead.

"W-why are you-" you grumble, rubbing your eyes as you look at the alarm clock near your bedside. "-waking me up at 6:18am? It's Saturday."

She sent you a death glare for assuming she randomly wanted to wake you up for the fun of it as she was the one who was woken up first. "Someone's here for you."

Positioning your body upwards, you squint your eyes up at her. "What are you talking about?"

"Why don't you take a look for yourself," she gritted her teeth, swaying her head towards your door.

Slowly standing up, you make your way to it before sneaking a peak of the view of your living room. That's when you see a very annoying man you were sure you both agreed on the phone last night to not go hiking.

Luckily, he didn't notice your wandering eyes as his were glued to his phone, scrolling through his social media.

What was he doing here? You can't face him without thinking about his body wrapped around yours and his lips doing dangerous things.

Oh no, you truly were screwed.

Lightly shutting your door, you nervously turn back to your roommate who looks displeased. "I told him no."

"No means yes, I guess," she replies, snaking her arms around her body for warmth. "I'm going back to bed."

You could hear her walk out of your room as you frantically begin searching for something warm yet comfortable clothes to wear on this undesired hike. You knew if you tried backing out he would stay until you caved, he was very persistent to get what he wanted.

And what he wanted was for you to get your ass up and exercise.

You were also certain you heard Jules let out a "thanks for the invite" to him before hearing her bedroom door shut.

Running out of your room, you made sure not to look in his direction so he wouldn't see your morning appearance clearly- well he already has but why reveal yourself in this state again?

Quickly brushing your hair, teeth, and washing your face, you change into a baggy green sweatshirt and some black workout leggings before slipping on suited running shoes.

Try to act natural. Give him little attention so he won't speculate anything. You aren't into old men and did not vision him smooching you on your sofa.

"You are so buying me breakfast," you deadpan as you walked straight out of your door, not even daring to wait for him to follow.

Good, be straightforward.

Laughing to himself, Pedro promptly jumped off the couch and jogged after you once you shut the door on him and continued down the halls to the elevators.

Finally catching up, he barely made it through the elevator doors as they were closing to find you leaning against the corner, mad and tired. "Good morning to you, too."

You let out a small cry as you lay your head against the wall in pain from how frustratingly exhausted you were. If one cold breeze hit you outside you were sure you were going to burst into tears.

"Oh, come one," he walks over to you and nudged your shoulder to wake up some more. If he unexpectedly touched you again you were sure you were going to rip his arm off. "In a few minutes you'll be wide awake and fine."

"How dare you assume I'm going to be fine!" you whine, trying to hit his side but he manages to capture your arm and that's when you give up and allow your worn out body to fall on him.

He instantly wraps his arms around you as your head falls just beneath his chin, your eyes slowly closing and your thoughts drifting away as his warmth was making you drowsy.

You tried to stay focus, but your poor state was taking over and you suddenly weren't as anxious as you once were. Being sleepy really made your mind roam.

"Hey, now," he whispers and looks down to see you snuggling up against him. "You can't fall asleep on me. I do not want your security guards thinking I drugged you."

Tightening your arms on how lower sides, you ignore him as you feel yourself easing closer to dozing off by the constant beating of his heart. "Stop," you mumble, clutching your ears softly before positioning your head on the other side of his chest.

"What?" he curiously glances down at you.

"You heartbeat's annoying me," you lightly whine. "It's pounding against my ears."

Pedro was extremely glad you were too tired to process his heartbeat and the bright red tint plastered across his face. Your drained-self definitely saved him from embarrassment.

Finally, the elevator doors opened and you still weren't moving. You were too comfortable to make any effort to walk on your own and if he really wanted you to hang out this morning then he was going to have to find a way to make you move.

And to him, dragging you was his best option yet. But with care.

Delicately keeping his arms secured around you, he gradually walked out with you still engulfed by him, eyes shut and only moving your feet with his pace.

Honestly, you were surprised how much rhythm you had.

Stopping to pull out his car keys, he unlocked his car and opened his passenger side door once you two reached the garage complex. Gently, laying you on the seat, you station you head against the headrest as he buckled you in. "God, I really hope security doesn't report me."

And once he made it to his side and hopped in, he laughed at the state you were in, head instantly bent to your side and legs tangled together in hope to create some kind of warmth. "Adorable."

But of course you were too dumb to not catch that.

You were awoken by a small speed bump and the instant hit of warmth through the heat vents, your eyes slowly glancing around your surroundings. Taking a quick peep at the screen indicating the time, you read that it was almost 7am.

Tilting your head and leaning against the headrest, you lazily stare at Pedro as he continues to drive to god knows where.

"Don't I look so handsome in the morning?" he jokes before meeting your eyes, sending you a warm grin.

And handsome on top of you.

Shutting your eyes tightly, you beg your imagination to please shut the fuck up.

"You mean drastic," you mutter, moving your head to the opposite side, against the window to force some sleep again.

Better to make time fly by faster knocking out where you were sure you wouldn't say anything stupid.

"Hey, no..." he whines, moving his right arm across to shake your chin softly to keep you conscious. "Don't pass out on me again, I'm lonely."

"And I'm tired, deal with it."

Shuffling in his seat, he looks over to see you curling yourself up in a ball with your legs to your knees and arms wrapped around. Not thinking things throughly, he hits the brakes hard for a split second and watches as your body jolts forward before swinging back against his seat.

"What the fuck!" you shriek, propping your body up and facing him in pure rage. "Are you trying to irritate me?!"

"I'm lonely and you're not helping," Pedro calmly states, shrugging as you continue your daggers his way.

You were beyond pissed. How could he think you would be energetic and talkative right now? How could he attempt to make you fly out the window? You could feel your nerves slowly fading away by the fury growing inside you.

If he wanted you awake then fine, you were going to be awake.

Doesn't mean you had to talk though.

Silently sitting up, you stare at the windshield in front of you and watch the cars drive as he continues to spare you a glance every once in a while.

Honestly, your silence was terrifying the fuck out of him. Normally, you would have some snarky comeback or violent punch to return to his evil tactics, but you were doing nothing.

Literally nothing.

And he knows damn well the sights of trees and cars did not interest you.

"Hey...," you feel Pedro lightly poke your side, pursing his lips once he saw your non-existent reaction. "You're not mad, right?"

Ignoring him, you continue your deep stare now onto more trees as you two were getting closer to nature than streets. You must've been out for some time as you barely noticed how far away from the city you really were.

Joon would really love this.

Gradually lifting his arm up, his places it on top of your own and gives it a small squeeze while laying it there. "C'mon, don't ignore me."

As if that would make you stop your scheme.

Blinking slowly, you acted like you paid no attention to his puppy dog pleads as the car was making its way towards an almost empty parking lot, all surrounded by a forest that only had one route starting within an old wooden bridge.

Pulling up to a nearby parking spot, Pedro parked the car before turning back to try and capture your attention but nothing was working.

You were so damn frustrating, it was infuriating. But he was still desperate to gain your attention.

"Are you just going to sit in here all day or what?" he questions as he waves a hand over your face to make you blink.

You didn't and that kind of frightened him. Work of the devil.

"I am going to cry," he warned, swatting his hand over his face to prepare for his fake tears.

Yet you showed no mercy. Sitting there patiently, you inhaled and exhaled softly, causing him to internally flip the fuck out because why were you being so aggravating when the two of you should be walking and pointing out the squirrels fighting over nuts.

And sadly, he was slowly giving up.

"Imagine if I really was crying," he began, offended you did not care one bit. "Really means a lot how unconcerned you are."

But when you suddenly started examining your nails and carefully picking at them is when he totally lost it.

Reaching over to you and moving his arm down your arm, he swiftly intertwined your fingers with his before moving you posture to face him.

His hand was huge.

"No, no-" he started, pulling a face as you gave him a blank stare back. Act natural. Pulling your shared hands in front of his chest, he sulks. "-please, for the love of whichever god you believe in, or if you're an atheist- for the love of you, please talk to me."

Watching him beg for forgiveness has always been funny in the past, but his pleading for attention now makes you feel bad.

"If you talk to me I will buy you breakfast and a very delicious milkshake that will make you extremely happy for the rest of the day," he continues, using his free left arm to wrap around you as his right one still clutches onto your palm.

He's so warm.

Pursing your lips a bit, you send him a skeptical glance. "Oreo shake with a lot of whipped cream?"

He instantly nods, a smile breaking out. "Of course, anything you want."

You look at the car's steering wheel before averting your eyes back to his. "And a red cherry?"

"I'll buy you a full jar of cherries if it makes you happy," he declares.

"And fries?"

Agreeing, he lets out a quick nod again. "With extra seasoning."

Biting your lip, you proceed to think about other stuff you may want with your milkshake and fries. "A burger?"

"My goodness, woman" he sighs, letting go of you and jumping out of the car before running around to your side and opening your door. "I'll buy you the whole menu, now let's go!"

With that, he vigorously yet cautiously pulls you out of your seat and throws you over his shoulders.

"Oh no!" you squeal, trying to find something to hold on to as he begins his journey, walking towards the bridge to start the hike. Grabbing a hold of his neck, you try not to choke him as you place your arm around it.

If you were going down, you were sure you were going to break his neck in the process. At least it would be a learning lesson for him.

"If you drop me I am never talking to you again," you threaten as he continues down a path.

"Said that before and just did it half the car ride here," he begins, moving his shoulder to give you a little fright of your life. "Now I just found out that all I have to do is buy you food and you'll yap again."

Glaring, you choke him a little to which he chuckles. "Didn't know you were into that."

Speechless, you couldn't believe his words. What the hell was he on this morning?

"Put me down!" you exclaim, immediately moving your body so he would lose his balance. Once he did so, you scowl as he ruffles your hair, making it tangle around. "Hey!"

"Can you stop being negative for a few minutes and enjoy the environment?" he asks, pulling his arms up to twirl around. "Just take in that fresh air mother nature gifted us."

Scrunching your nose, you frown. "It smells like rotten eggs."

"Because of the ducks," he pointed out before patting his pockets. "Which we will be feeding with the bread I brought."

Examining his pocket, you shoot him a curious glance. "How big are your pockets?"

"Not important," he states, grabbing your arms and dragging you along with him down the long trail. "What's important is finishing this trail to feel accomplished."

Pouting, you allowed him to drag you along as you miserably dreaded the next few hours to come. The energy you had to give off just for some damn breakfast.

Shame on you for loving food so much.

Encountering many frogs, lizards, and pigeons who loved flying right by both of your heads and scaring you to death, you had long forgotten about how anxious you were being around him. Being distracted constantly had you occupied which was a relief.

Eventually, you two finally found the drugs.

Or the ducks.

Walking by a huge pond, there were numerous amounts of ducks leaping around with their families following behind. It was really cute, but the smell wasn't.

"I wonder if they can choke on this?" Pedro muttered as he pulled out a large bread. Slowly nearing one medium-seized one in caution, he rips a piece apart and throws it. "It is kind of thick."

Taking a moment to check the bread out, you sigh. "Are you feeding these ducks bolillo bread?"

He pauses, not sure why you would care to ask. "Yes and?"

"They have thick crusts!" you exclaim. "And why not just feed them normal wheat bread?"

"Who even eats wheat? It's bland." he protests. "Plus, this is leftovers from my dinner last night."

"They're ducks! They don't care," you argue as he shakes his head.

"Just imagine if you were a duck," he began, making you huff in annoyance as you just knew he was going to say something ridiculous. "Wouldn't you love to eat this nice bolillo bread, maybe visualize a torta with some carnitas, onions, avocado, can't forget the refried bean-"

"The duck is choking!" you squeal and stare in fear as the poor duck starts to wheeze sharply.

Pedro's facial expressions drops as he sees the poor duck quacking in agony. Nervously rushing to its side, he looks up at you. "Do we pat its back? CPR? Call 911?!"

Pulling out your phone, you type away to find answers for your current problem. It was indeed true that you aren't supposed to feed ducks bread.

Especially thick Mexican ones.

"Give it mouth to mouth if you want chlamydia," you read aloud, causing Pedro to instantly leap away from the duck as it hastily begins to lay on the ground. "Wait, you get that from birds, not ducks. Silly me."

"Ducks are birds," he discloses, trying his best to softly pat the ducks back, finally giving it one powerful swat to help but instead the duck ends ups being thrown a few feet away by his force.

"Do I look like a fucking duck doctor?" you spit out, making him look up confused.

"You mean a veterarian."

Ignoring his last comment, you continue scrolling through more of google's suggestions, finally finding some information that may help. "You need to press down on its chest with 1-2 fingers or just give them water to drown it down."

Immediately grabbing the duck and placing it on its back, you worriedly watch over the duck from Pedro's shoulder as he works his fingers on the poor animal.

However, no luck was given as the duck was beginning to look weak and drowsy as pressure kept being projected on its chest. "We need water!"

Running towards the pond, you motion for Pedro to follow along with the duck as you look for a safe ramp to lead the duck onto. "Let's just lay him down near the water and splash him with it."

"He?" Pedro asks, stopping his movements. "But it looks like a she-"

"We are not arguing over its gender when its literally dying in your arms!" you exclaim, causing him to quickly nod and follow the ramp you found towards the water.

Gently, Pedro lowered his arms near the water with the poor duck taking over his hands. Trying to move the flow of water towards its face, he calls you over. "He's not accepting it, you need to scoop some up in your hand and pour it over his beak."

Rapidly nodding, you do as he says and take a handful and try not to spill it before gradually pouring it over the duck's beak. This water was not clean, but at least it was something. Nothing was happening until your third scoop once the duck began to actually swallow some of the water slowly.

"I-I think it's working! We did it!" Pedro cheered, trying to give you a high-five, failing incredibly as he somehow managed to lose his grip and dump the poor duck hard in the pond. "Oh shit!"

Squatting down, you try to reach for the duck as its face was buried underneath the water before Pedro's body slams into yours, causing you to fall into the dirty, cold pond.

The feeling of thick, muddy water overtakes your body as you lose all sight of air. Quickly moving your arms up and down, you rise back to the surface to find Pedro with his hands over his mouth and his jaw dropped.

He knew he wasn't going to hear the end of it.

"Fuck," he nervously muttered to himself before reaching out for you. "I am so so so sorry, the leaf made me slip AH!-"

He couldn't finish his sentence as you yanked his arm down with you, pulling with almighty to get him to land in the pond. The weight of the water going down with his body diving harshly against it, you knew he was completely soaked.

And probably pissed, but its okay. It's what he deserves.

Waiting for him to come up, he finally did so in seconds looking very unhappy. It made you delighted.

"You did that on purpose!"

Scoffing, you splash him and watch as he gasps harder. "You do a lot of things on purpose."

Using both hands to release bigger waves, he splashes you back. "Don't splash me!"

Growling, you slap his chest as he clutches your wrist afterwards. "You're so lucky I forgot my phone at home."

Gasping, you feel one of his hands fly underwater. "I didn't!" You hold in your giggles as he shuffles frantically before moving his gaze back up. "Wait, I never removed it from my glove department. Be fortunate I forgot it because if you destroyed it I would've made you walk home."

Furrowing your brows, you push his shoulders and make him move back by the force of it. "You're the one who started it. We're gonna get duck chlamydia now!"

Rolling his eyes, he pushed you back, causing you to fall under the water. Once you caught your breath again you notice the way he glares at you. "That's not even a thing."

"Just another STD to add to your list," you jokingly mumble to yourself, sure he didn't catch it.

You were wrong, again.

Launching himself onto you, the two of you fall underwater as he shoves you body around in revenge. Swimming back up, you gasp for air while slapping his arms off you as he tried blocking all your attempts.

Wrapping his arms around your waist, he clings his face on your shoulder as he proceeds to try and bring you down under but somehow you manage to wrap your leg around his thigh, causing him to lose his strength and fall backwards with you on top of him.

He sure has one strong grip.

Now, not saying you were going to kill him. But this was your chance to kill him with no witnesses.

Well- besides the ducks, but they wouldn't quack a soul.

Regaining his energy, he lifts himself back up and holds you up, about to drag you under again before you crazily oppose while shaking your head, "Don't! We're gonna get sick!"

"That's not a very sincere apology," he tilts his head, his wet hair scattered across his face as he awaits your alibi.

Huffing, you fight back a rude remark. "Do you understand how much poop were swimming in right now? These ducks are probably laughing at us by how much they are quacking."

Swiftly looking around, the two of you check the surrounding ducks around who blankly stare back. The older looking ones hollering nonsense, probably making plans to kill you and Pedro.

"I bet their releasing their chlamydia right now," you cry, hiding your face in his shoulder as he bursts out laughing.

"I don't think that's how it works."

Glancing down on him, you're surprised by his strength. He's been holding you up by your waist for so long you're shocked he hasn't dropped you accidentally yet. "Let's not find out, let's get out."

"You're forgetting something," he smiles, staring innocently at you, knowing damn well you can't leave without his release. "And I wouldn't wait this one out because I am pretty sure I feel toads swimming near my feet."

Instantaneously, you clung onto him tighter in fear as you could imagine the feeling of something swarming around your body. It was like hundred of spiders crawling all over you, you needed to get out of here.

Pulling yourself back up, you place your hands on his shoulders as he impassively stares back at you, waiting. "Fine," you huff. "I'm sorry for claiming you had STD's before."

Pedro just stays there, not moving an inch as if he wants more. Groaning, you knew he wasn't going to give in so easy. "And I am sorry for stimulating the idea that you would get duck chlamydia," you apologize. "But you can get E. coli."

That didn't help as he just helplessly eyed you, not impressed with your poor excuses of your so-called apologies. What more did he want? You can't necessarily beg on your knees, you're in the water!

Whining, you knew you had to pull out your sincere face. You just knew your Oscar-worthy acting was about to award you freedom.

Softly, you move strands of hair stuck near his eyes away from his face and brush his hair back before quivering your lips and looking down upon him in sorrow.

He has really pretty eyes.

"I'm really sorry," you start as you push your face inside his neck and lock him inside your arms. "I know you don't have any infections, you don't even have visible rashes or sores to prove it."

Pedro finds your plead for forgiveness charming as you squeeze him tighter. He begins to release you until he hears the mutter of your "-that are visible."

"You couldn't hold it in for a few more seconds?!" he whined at how fast you went back to insulting him.

Sighing heavily, you slap a hand to your face. "It's hard!"

Suppressing a laugh, he unwrapped his arms around you and let you get back to the sidewalk. But once you were back on your feet, you looked down to find your body filled with random pieces of dirt, sticks, and grass. "Ew!"

"You're not sitting in my car," Pedro states, waving his head side to side to release some water from his ears.

"You're worse than me!"

"My car, my rules."

Frowning, you weren't sure if he was kidding or not. "Well, you almost committed first-degree-murder so if you don't want people to know you must be my personal servant."

His instant glare turned into confusion as he abruptly moved his attention back towards the pond. "Where did the duck go?"

Widening your eyes, you forgot that you had a helpless duck in your hands minutes ago before your splash attack with Pedro. Scanning your eyes from the sidewalks to the ramps to the pond, you noticed a duck floating nearby. "I think that's them."

Pointing at a duck with the closest familiar colors than the rest, you felt Pedro let out of sigh of relief. "Thank goodness, I would have felt extremely guilty if she would have died."

"It could be a he," you snap back.

He was about to protest but honestly, you were done for the day. You just wanted to take a long and hot shower and knock back out. Not only that, but you ruined your cute running shoes you gifted yourself months ago for your work out journey.

You never really wore them, but it's the thought that counts.

"We can get breakfast another day," you plead to which he didn't argue over because he really wanted to remove the unknown substances off his body asap.

He wouldn't admit it, but he was genuinely scared he may have gotten duck chlamydia .

"Okay, but no sleeping in the car," Pedro states as you exhale loudly. All this and you still weren't allowed to doze off, how cruel is life at the moment.

Walking back to the car would've went down smoothly if the two of you weren't given disturbed looks from strangers and your clothes weren't clinging uncomfortably to your bodies, especially your shoes.

Luckily, Pedro had towels in his trunk and set them down on the seats. "God, I am definitely going to need a deep cleaning after this."

Slipping inside, your hands find the heater and turn it on full blast. Not only was it freezing outside, but your drenched state made you feel like an icicle.

Setting off back to the road, your mind begins to wander back to the question that has been flooding your mind lately. Craning you neck towards his presence, you make out his comfort state. Cool, he's calm.

Here goes nothing.

"So," you start, awkwardly playing with your hands as you try to make direct eye-contact with him as he turns his head to you. "Why did you visit the other morning?"

Lifting a brow, he pulls a face. "Other morning?"

Biting the inside of the cheek, you try to sound composed. "Yeah, remember? You dropped by around 6am-"

"-and you thought I was Lady Gaga, slammed the door on my face, and went back to bed?" he finished, grinning while finding your eyes again. "You mean that day?"

"Well if you knew what I was talking about why make me recall those mortifying details?" you grumble, leaning back against your seat. "And I thought you were a cat."

"I figured, I always questioned why Jules would ramble on about buying Lady Gaga a new electric litter box until I connected the dots," he confessed making you let out a small chuckle.

Yeah, you clearly remember how upset Jules became when Lady Gaga neglected the expensive box.

"But if you're curious, it wasn't because I wanted to go hiking," he smiled, referring to the current day.

"Then why?"

He paused for a minute, checking his mirrors before switching lanes. "I'm not really sure."

Tilting your head a bit, you express curiosity as you glance back. "I don't understand?"

Laughing lowly, he slightly shook his head. "I did wake up real fucking early that day," he started. "Maybe around 4am? Which sucked because I must've gotten like 3-4 hours of sleep."

"So you decided to wake me up so I could feel your pain?"

"No," he stifled another chuckle. "To plant trees."

Squinting your eyes, you become very confused. What is he talking about? He noticed your puzzlement immediately. "You know, go early in the morning to different areas in the city and help dig and replace old trees to plant new ones."

This whole time you were flipping out, wondering why he randomly came early in the morning just to find out it was because he's a nature boy who wants to help out the community?

It was very sweet of him to be as helpful as he was, but you were a little disappointment it wasn't something more.

"That's why?" you ask and he nods. "And why no warning?"

"Well, I was going to call but I figured all that studying you had done the evening before may have knocked you out early," he confessed.

Yet he still made you wake up early today knowing damn well you were exhausted last night. Strange.

"Why me?" you giggle. "I'm not your typical nature girl, Joon would've been perfect for the job."

Shrugging, he leaned his elbow on his middle console. "I thought about asking him, but to be honest I didn't want to pay for any damages he may have caused."

That was a very accurate insight of what Joon really was, clumsy. The amount of times he accidentally dropped his coffee cups, tripped over wires backstage, and face-planted against glass doors would be too much to count on both your palms.

You're surprised he hasn't broken his back again- but still glad he hasn't. That would really suck.

"But have you thought things over yet?" Pedro glanced your way before looking back forward. "About Canada?"

Stiffing up a bit, you move your eyes to the dashboard. You weren't dreading this conversation, but you didn't want to talk about it.

This was a situation where it was a win but also a loss.

Win as in gaining incredible experience, loss that your parent's wouldn't be pleased, it was in a different country, and you'd be missing out on your social life for almost a year.

"Not really," you admit and sense from the corner of your eyes his shoulders fall. "Still indecisive, as always," you try joking to lighten the mood.

Sending over a tiny grin, he mirrors your same expression, doubtful. His face turns concentrated again, leaning closer to you before he shuts down again, ultimately rejecting whatever idea he had going on.

The rest of the drive back to your place went by fast. The two of you made little talk about each other's life and how school was going for you, but he already knew so much already from past encounters.

Pulling up to the red curb you loathe, you crack a scowl as he only returns a smirk at his doing. "I will personally send my property manager to you so she can threaten you."

"I do love threats," he beamed, watching as you reach for the handle before stopping you by his voice. "-but I had fun this morning, despite our little uh...catastrophe," he chuckled, looking down at his clothes.

"I totally agree," you grin. "Dirt just looks so good on me."

He sniggers lightly before slightly sobering up. "But seriously, think about the offer," he begins, nipping at his lip a bit, not trying to put too much pressure on you. "It'll be good for you, you know- your future."

Sighing, you nod. You knew where he was coming from since he's been doing this for so long, but you were still young and had a lot on your mind.

"I'll think about it," you smile, reaching for the door handle and swiftly getting out, missing the way his smile slowly vanishes.

Taking your usual step back, you send him a farewell wave but he does his habitual goodbyes as he gets out of his car and grins to you. "See you around." Laughing, you walk inside the doors and make your way to the elevators, his followed soft "beautiful" being muffled by the traffic on the streets.

It seemed like both of you were screwed.

+

taglist: @thesapphirequeen @floralsightings @wrathofcats @avengersheart @fafik7  @chimchimjiminie16 @adriennemichelle98

[princessgarnetxvi]

II. Johan always knew that Anna was the one who went to the Red Rose Mansion.

I’d like to thank those who left comments and showed support on my first post. Consider this essay a part two of the original concept: Everything Johan did was for Anna.  I want to explore another notion I briefly touched upon in my first post that was requested by some and also presented to me by my own twin brother. 

The theory we are going to explore is: Was Johan aware from the beginning that Anna was the one who went to the Red Rose Mansion?

Yes.

And that brings us to another facet on what Johan’s intentions were – and that was to make sure Nina/Anna never remembered what happened to her. In reference to the Nameless Monster book, Johan consumed the other Nameless Monster who went West and was the only one left standing with no one left to call him by his name. This mirrors Johan/Anna because he left Anna with the Fortner’s under a completely different identity - a real name with real attachments as Nina Fortner knowing she would forget him. He was the ONLY one who knew his sister for who she truly was

This was his act of love

His goal was to make the world believe he was “The Chosen One” to not only lead their plans astray but to ensure that Anna would not be targeted by “The Monster.” He wanted to erase all traces of the experiment, of the horrific experiences she endured and of those who remembered them as a pair – and this also included himself.

This theory is heavily reinforced in Another Monster in this passage.

(This passage from Another Monster reinforces Johan's intention behind trying to make Nina forget her past as Anna - an act of love. Naoki made it a point to tell us "this is just like Johan.")

We will break this discussion into parts since it will be a lot of information to dissect:

I.  Peter Capek and Johan’s discussion

The one question I ALWAYS asked was why Johan left Peter Capek for Anna/Nina to kill? If we run with the consensus that Johan took on Anna’s memories of the Red Rose mansion experiment out of guilt or because of Kinderheim, why would he leave it up to Anna/Nina to kill Capek?

 Why would she feel the need to kill him?

It didn’t make any sense to me. So I revisited the episode again and it dawned on me - the meaning behind Johan’s words

“What am I? The monster inside of me isn’t inside of me, it was outside.”

He was revealing to Capek right there that he was not the “experimental monster” when asked why Johan was suddenly going against “THEIR PLANS.” Because Johan had corrupted their initial plan from the very start when he masqueraded as “The Chosen One.”  that the eugenics/red rose mansion experiments created.  (Which in its own right is deviously genius.)

it seems farfetched right?

So then, why was Capek in the next scene questioning whether he took the brother or the sister?

What made Capek question himself on something he did over 10 years prior if Johan wasn’t the one who forced him wonder?

The last person he spoke to was Johan.  And if Johan induced this thought process, then that simply means that Johan knew from the start that he was not the one who was kidnapped and brought to the Red Rose Mansion.

To put it simply, if Johan was certain that HE was taken instead of Anna, their conversation would NOT have lead Capek to wonder if he took Johan or Anna. Johan would have killed him instead.

And then Capek CONCLUDED RIGHT HERE:

Johan tells Capek where to bring Anna and this is where Johan, for the first and only time, attempts to manipulate Anna/Nina and the fragments of her memories to complete his plan on ensuring Anna did not remember what happened to her at the mansion. He tells the story as his own, using specific words on purpose: “It’s MINE to tell. My own experiences of what I endured and told YOU about.” 

Why else would he bring up this incident? It seemed so random to me at first that he started telling her his experiences about the Red Rose Mansion when they had PLENTY of other things to discuss. But he set up his plan from the moment he opened his mouth by bringing up how she welcomed him home after he returned from the Red Rose Mansion, as if that had been the ONE and only time she ever said those words to him despite living together after being adopted. He controlled the room as he had a goal he needed to achieve. 

Out of all the times Johan successfully manipulated everyone he’s met, this was the only time he did it without any malicious intent and it is also the only time he fails.

Following his extensive plan, Johan makes sure Tenma knows where to go in the event that Nina has a mental breakdown. It’s safe to assume that if Johan succeeded in concealing the truth from his sister, he was prepared to die by the hands of Nina or Tenma as well.

But that doesn’t happen. Johan’s plan fails and it’s almost as if, everything he tried to achieve was for nothing.

“He was smiling but it looked as though, he was crying too.”

I always wondered why Johan’s expressions were so different compared to all the other scenes we’ve seen him. As always, in front of Anna/Nina – Johan appeared the most human.

With his failure, all that was left to do is kill the Monster responsible for it all – and them finally, himself.

II.  The Tape Recording:

When Johan found the tape recording of his "interview" during his time at Kinderheim 511, he tells the interviewer that he was reading a picture book while waiting for Anna to come home. Johan remembered who gave him that book the moment he read it at the library and collapsed - it is what triggered the memory into finally recalling who exactly the Monster was by name and face; not just voice. If Johan truly did mixed up his memories about who went to the Red Rose, then hearing that part of the recording would have revealed to him that he was the one who welcomed Anna home, not the other way around. But this revelation doesn't hit him, because he always knew who went and who stayed at the 3 Frogs.

III.    Explaining all of Johan’s other actions.

How does the rest of Johan’s actions play a part in this grand scheme?

1.   Johan will wipe his existence, taking with him the dirty lie that he was the “Monster in the making” to lead the country:  So he kills all of his foster parents. He tells Tenma from the start: “You must never know about the twins (he doesn’t say HIM but the twins) or the murdered couples” and this says a lot. He wants to make sure there isn’t a trace of a twin to the monster he masqueraded himself to be. No ties that Anna was a sibling to him. I wouldn’t be surprised if Johan gave the Fortners the idea to rename her. After all, when they were adopted by the Lieberts they retained both of their “original names” but when the Fortners took Anna in, they changed her name entirely and then Johan left.

2.   Killing The Fortners: The author purposely shows her parents outside, talking aloud that they will tell Nina the truth – that she was adopted. Which would eventually lead Nina to question her true identity and I am sure they were aware of some parts of her origins. Anna appeared on tv with the Lieberts and their murder was a big fiasco all over the paper. (The drs also took, or tried to take a photo of the twins to put in the paper/media so I am certain they covered the twin’s story on the news after the incident.)  Johan couldn’t have that because their truth would have ignited an uncontrollable flame in Nina into finding out her past. But then the author shows the pair deciding against it in the comfort of their own home. But it was too late. They had to die. I always questioned this because why would Johan leave Nina for 10 years to heal only to throw her back into the same hell?

3.  Johan having Nina meet him at the castle: Since there were already a handful of people aware of how important Anna was to Johan, he simply wanted to take her and put her somewhere safe from those who would pursue her. The other points in this list will help reinforce who these people are. But throughout the show, Nina is constantly pursued and even held captive, despite her going to the Mansion on her own volition. The Baby revealed to Tenma that after they had no use for her they were going to dispose of her or worse. Which is why Johan takes the bait and meets with Geidlitz FINALLY, only to eliminate them all.

4.    Opening the black markets and underground banks: Money is power. Money leads you to people in power. Johan not only needed money for his plans but he also needed to draw out the dirty, corrupted party he was after. Capek and the Baby discuss Johan’s methods in cleaning up loose ends concerning the banks so it’s evident that they operated with Johan. Now Johan was conspiring with those who lead the experiments at the Red Rose Mansion, somehow making them believe he was the one created for their “master plan.” The seed had been planted.

5.    General Wulf: he was truly the catalyst to it all. Johan, instead of killing him; destroyed his credibility by taking out everyone who knew him. A man is only worth as much as his word. With everyone around Wulf who respected him and knew him dead Wulf will eventually become more of a myth than a person who actually exists. Did Johan perhaps “spare” him because he saved him and Anna’s life? Ultimately, it was General Wulf who told the others like Professor Geidlitz just how important Anna was to Johan. I don’t see how else Geidlitz, the Baby etc. got this information. Johan isn’t the type to divulge anything about himself to anyone. So, who else would have relayed this information to HIS party if not for the man who found them both on the border? I just think Wulf in general would hold a lot of merit towards Johan’s existence so he had to kill all those who knew him, so that his words became less and less of the truth.

6.  Attempting to kill Shuwald: This boils down to destroying the economy that created the Red Rose. Shuwald was the backbone of the country’s economy/power. Killing him would have plunged the country into a weakened state and ignited war. But if war was something Johan wanted to achieve, then he could have easily worked with the Right winged secret police who sought for this in the first place – and would have helped him achieve this. With Shuwald being the center of the country’s economy, then it would make sense that some of his financial activities would include funding most if not all of the country’s experiments/government operated orphanages. The Red Rose mansion experiments were continuing. Killing Shuwald would plunge his enemies and their plans into the ground. The library incident was him initially attempting to claim Germany’s economy to restructure the country to be a place safe for Anna, as potentially waging war would destroy the plan set up for Anna/Nina when she was dragged to the mansion. Meaning, if Johan took the spot as the backbone of the country, he would have completed his façade of being “the chosen one” by those who conducted the experiments, there would have no longer been a need to pursue her or the truth should it came to light. (Was he going to let Christoff take his place after he died?) But after remembering Bonaparte, he sets out to kill him instead. I also believe he spared Shuwald after hearing Carl's story but that would have to be explored in another essay.

Johan erased everyone who was aware of the twins; those who knew Anna existed. If his goal was to become a ghost, why was Hartmann left alive – a man who was rather OBSESSED with Johan?

Before arriving in Kinderheim 511, the only one who knew about the twins was General Wulf. Hartmann never mentions her and neither does Christoff. I believe Johan kept his sister a secret up until the tape recording.

I found it contradicting that Johan never bothered to kill Hartmann. He very clearly deserved to get put down after all the horrible things he did. But, Johan was not out for revenge. None of this was for him but for Anna. After all, Hartmann never once acknowledged that Johan had a sister. The tape recording was done and left in the hands of the first head administrator. And what does Johan do? Johan goes all the way to Czech and kills him because not only did he know Johan’s one weakness, but he knew about Anna’s existence.

Johan then proceeds to, for some reason, kill everyone who is trying to get the tape. Why? If they knew what was the most important to him, then it would be used against him. Johan records over the rest of the tape that perhaps showed him admitting his guilt over Anna going to the Red Rose Mansion. The start of the tape has him saying “Everyone died there.” And Johan probably told the interviewer where she was taken from. Johan finally figured out “where he needed to go.” And then he burns down the Red Rose Mansion before Anna could piece anything together.

Which brings me to my next point.

I believe after reading the Nameless Monster, a book Boneparte gave to him the day he kidnapped his mother and sister, Johan remembered the identity of “The Monster.” and his plans shifted. Yes, he killed the Lieberts because of the monster. But Johan did not SEE Boneparte that night, he only heard him. And the sound of a voice from someone you fear is more than enough to trigger a fight or flight response. Johan knew he was the monster by his voice not his face and reacted.  When he panicked and cried at the library, it was because he recalled his most painful memory, which we are shown in the final moments of the last episode. It was not Johan being dragged, but Anna being thrown away. I believe remembering that his mother was the one who made a choice AND HESITATED as well as the “Monster’s “ identity is what swayed the path of his plans.

I say this because we don’t truly know what memories were stripped from Johan after Kinderheim 511 and being shot in the head. Despite Kinderheim, Johan still retained the memories of his sister. Quite an admirable feat. We’re only assuming that Johan mixed up Anna’s story about who went to the Red Rose Mansion because Anna thinks she was responsible for making Johan who he was. Other than that, there is nothing else that points us to this concept.

( In some aspect, what she says is true*. Johan took on the role of the Monster to save her from becoming what she was tortured into being. )*

Reflecting on these points, I’d like to conclude that Johan sacrificed himself and chose Anna/Nina every single time. Every choice he made was calculated for Anna’s safety; down to killing that old couple out on the field. “I have plan.” He wanted to start over in a new country where no one would know of them. He had to kill the old couple before leaving for the border so that there wasn’t a trail for the monster; no one to tell authorities they saw a pair of beautiful blonde twins. Yet much to Johan’s shock/fear – Boneparte finds them at the Lieberts and that was the ONLY time he acted irrationality out of his own apprehension.

Was this martyrdom mentality spawned from his mother choice to throw Anna away? To the point where not even his own existence mattered? He took on the role of being her shadow, the monster in her reflection instead of allowing Anna to see herself as the beast in the mirror.

Nothing he did was ever within his own personal vendetta. 

Looking at Johan from this perspective still retains the absolute horror of his actions, but also implements a tragedy that he was self sacrificing. A quote struck me after thinking it over in this light:

"A hero would sacrifice you to save the world but a villain would sacrifice the world to save you "

[bbanghiitomi]

| the way things go

synopsis: after being gone for a long time, you've missed hyein's growth. you weren't able to witness her go through 5 years of her life. seeing as how much she's changed, you're trying to get back at her to give her back the older sister she had.

— nonidol!youngersister!lhyein × nonidol!oldersister!fem!reader

— nonidol!hyunjin × nonidol!fem!reader

(⁠ʃ⁠ƪ⁠＾⁠3⁠＾⁠）(⁠ʃ⁠ƪ⁠＾⁠3⁠＾⁠）(⁠ʃ⁠ƪ⁠＾⁠3⁠＾⁠）(⁠ʃ⁠ƪ⁠＾⁠3

you look up to your younger sister, she's now 170 centimeters, a lot taller than she used to be. you can't believe it, you've only been gone for almost 5 years for college and now she's a giant! what's even worse is that she's a lot more posh now, so different from the kid you used to know. it's like you blinked your eyes once and everything just changed. "hyein?" you ask, tilting your head, eyes roaming from her head to toes, then back to her eyes.

"oh hi unnie! how's college?" her voice matured a bit, but it's almost the same girlish pitch that she had for years. you sigh, hand holding your chest. you cannot believe that your princess has turned into a queen, or some sort. she stands high on her toes, her chin up high and confident, her eyes sharp with poise. "oh my, hyein has grown a lot since i left for college." you dramatically state, placing the back of your hand in your temple.

hyein laughs and shakes her head before walking past you. "oh unnie, you're being dramatic. i barely changed." she says, shrugging as she sits by the couch. you follow her and sit next to her, smiling at her, your head is filled with worries — unsure feelings, hyein's growth is a lot to take in more than you thought it would be. seeing her face to face after those years of facetime-ing her felt so much different, it's like you can truly see the difference.

"but — you grew so much! you used to be shorter than me and you barely even knew how to dress yourself! i used to tutor you when you couldn't understand the lessons in your class, now… you look so independent!" you don't know whether to be happy or sad with hyein's independence, it's because you know she's good on her own now and will be needing less help from elders but that's also why you're sad — she's not gonna need you anymore, one day…

you laugh but it soon dies down when you place your hands on your cheeks, it saddens you how much you've missed hyein's life, it all passed by too quickly without you noticing it.

"it's because you've been gone for so long." hyein simply says, reaching for her phone on the coffee table. the last word left a bitter taste on hyein's tongue, and you realized, maybe — you've been gone for far too long.

you watch as the younger lee scrolls away on her phone. you feel bad, feeling like you've lacked as an older sister, feeling like you haven't done enough. was it because you left too soon and been gone for so long?

hyein was only 10 when you left for college, it seems like she can't even remember half of what happened when you left. it makes you feel bad that you weren't able to spend that much with her, even before you left. all the things that you've done with her felt like nothing now, must've been because it was not enough — because hyein felt like it lacks a certain memoir that resonates to you.

"i'm sorry. have you been okay over the past 5 years?" in reality, hyein's life wasn't so bad while you were gone, she had many friends, from elementary to middle school. up until now, her name is still popular amongst students, from their classroom to the highest year. though life's been good to her, there's obviously something missing, your presence.

while you were studying hard abroad, hyein kept looking for your figure, a memory of you. it's so weird not having her sister around, her hero. it's not like you and her parents haven't been around, they were always there, they replaced your part while you were gone, but it's just… it's never been the same. there's nothing that comes close to you and hyein's connection, you know her like a book, you memorize her like a quote. only you could understand hyein the way no one does.

facetime-ing can never equate to the comfort your physical presence does to her. she loved being able to hug you, hold your hand and lean on her big sister's shoulders when she needed you the most. in those times where the world was against her, all she wanted was to have her big sister to shield her from the cruel earth, the cruel society and the cruel reality of being a teenage girl. all she ever wanted is to be able to grow with you, she's had a hard time trying to understand the situation both of you were in.

maybe it's a bit mean of her to feel this way when you were also having a hard time alone in your dorm?

oh right, you weren't alone.

"i'm okay, i have friends and i'm doing well at school." hyein says, peeking at you then back to the screen of her phone. you sigh for the tenth time and place your hands on your lap before nodding. "i hope your teachers are giving you a hard time." you tell hyein, smiling at her.

there's a gap between you and her, it's not big, about at least 3 pillows. but if we were talking about a figurative gap, then that would be a lot.

during the time you were gone, hyein had 4 friends growing up, minji was the oldest amongst them and had been her older sister while you were gone, you share a bit of qualities with her — from the caring nature to the stubborn personality. it's hard not to miss you more when she's with minji, she's thankful for the older girl for being with her while you were gone.

you on the other hand has been in a 3 year relationship with a girl in your university, huh yunjin. she's a girl who lives in the same dormitory building as you were and one night during a busy week, you found her outside the building after she had passed the curfew and you helped her get in. that's when you started seeing each other more often and have been in a relationship ever since.

hyein doesn't really know this yunjin, she's never seen her in person and isn't really thrilled at the idea. in all honesty, she hates your girlfriend's thick glasses, her eyes that seemed glued to your face and her uhm — annoying personality, sort of close to a golden retriever who is very loyal to her owner; yet hyein claims she doesn't care about yunjin.

yunjin knows how much you love your sister, as you live far from hyein, yunjin has been your support system, the one who listens to your problem and the one who hugs you at night when the air is chilly. she knows how much you want to be close to your sister again, when you cry at night, telling yunjin how much you've missed her and how much you miss home — she's always all ears and there to comfort you, it has been the same for her, that's why she understands your struggle.

"i'm sure they're taking good care of my sister, yeah? i hope i get to meet them soon." soon, you're going to find a job and might leave the house again, hyein would feel alone again and that scares you. you look at hyein as your eyes soften, you can't contain the sadness seeping through you at the sight of your sister.

hyein feels her breath jump, minji had said something about her introducing you to them, honestly she's thrilled but it scares her, there's a lingering feeling behind her head that is still pained by the unfamiliarity of your presence after those years you were gone.

"minji said she wanted to meet you." hyein mutters, her voice low under her breath. the fingers that scroll past feeds of her insta halts, her eyes locked with yours. you grin at her and raise your brows. "i actually tell yunjin a lot about you, do you like her? i'm planning on bringing her here next week to meet everyone." hyein doesn't smile, nor frown — she nods at you and then brings her gaze back to her phone to type.

you grimace at the sight but then stand up as your phone rings to a call.

"oh hi yunjin," you laugh as you start heading to the kitchen, your voice trails as your figure disappears from hyein's sight.

your relationship with yunjin must be much more intimate than hyein thought it was, yunjin knows you like a scripture, a literature of some sort — she reads you like a piece and places her hands on you with care like a fragile glass. she's seen you at your best and worst, she's seen you in every way no one did.

so it felt like that spot of the closest person to you had been taken by yunjin, and it's not like hyein thinks it's a competition but at this point — is there any reason for her to try, when you've got someone who you can rely on without hyein?

"it's good to see you in person yunjin! oh dear, you're much prettier in person than in videos, i'm glad my lovely daughter is with someone like you! i'm happy to know y/n has an amazing taste in a lover." you laugh as your mother continues to ogle over your lover, yunjin is very polite — you're not surprised that your parents love her already but at the same time, you were looking for hyein's validation — because what she thinks matters the most to you.

"you can call us mom and dad if you want to, it's totally fine!" your father claims, clasping his hands together in excitement. you can't help but reach for yunjin as she nods along. "alright mom and dad, i'm very happy to be here with you all right now." your parents cheer, all smiley as they converse with yunjin. you don't forget to hop along every now and then.

hyein on the other hand is busy playing with her phone, clearly her mood has fallen over when yunjin starts getting too comfortable. although it isn't a bad thing, considering you might end up marrying this rich girl, it tips hyein to the edge. how can yunjin steal her one and only sister and then her parents? that's what it felt to the youngest lee.

"so what are your plans yunjin? and you y/n." yunjin looks up from her plate, swallowing the food and taking a few seconds before speaking. "i actually will start working for my father's company, then maybe sooner me and y/n can live at the same place together. right?" yunjin doesn't spare any chances to look at you, you feel a bead of sweat on your forehead but you don't answer.

"actually, i plan on staying here for some time," you smile at yunjin as you speak, then continue. "i want to be with my family for a while again! and then i'll work for a few years before me and yunjin can move out together." yunjin raises her brows but doesn't respond.

you promised yunjin before, back when you were in your 2nd year in college that after you get your degree you'll move out with her, but things have changed — you don't have that much time left, adulting will get to you and take you away from your sister once again. you don't want that to happen, you just hope yunjin will understand.

hyein raises her head to look at you and yunjin, before glaring at her plate and grumbling under her breath.

your parents took notice of it.

"lee hyein, if you want to say something, say it now rather than grumbling and playing with your food." your mother scolds hyein, you frown. "mom, it's okay."

hyein scoffs and rolls her eyes. "i've lost my appetite." before leaving to go to her room. "lee hyein! come back this instant!" your father yells and you stop him before he stands up, telling him you'll take care of it.

you stand up and walk your way towards the corridor where your room and hyein's are located. you knock on her door that had a wooden plate that says "hyein-ie" hanging by the door, you made that yourself when you were in high school for hyein. "hyein! open the door please, hyein." there are no answers, complete silence on the other side of the door. it seems like your sister has no plans on acknowledging your presence at this time. you hear footsteps behind you and sees yunjin, you slump your shoulders and sigh when you realize that you might have screwed up.

"ugh, yunjin. i don't know what to do. hyein must be upset at me." you put a hand on your forehead and let out a shaky breath. yunjin hooks an arm to your torso and pulls you close to her, her tall figure becomes your reliable boulder to lean on. she caresses your hair, shushing you down. "hey, babe it's not your fault. maybe she's just in a bad mood." yunjin guides you to the end of the hallway, where your room is located, you two stand in front of your room to talk.

"but yun — she's upset, i know it because it's my fault. i've been gone for a long time and she obviously missed me, but i'm making it hard for her." yunjin nods and kisses your forehead. "i know. you don't have to blame yourself for it. clearly you two have missed each other, it's just that she's much more emotional about it because she's young."

hyein walks to her door and opens it slightly, looking through the small crack of the door to see you and yunjin talking, your voices echoing against the walls of the empty hall.

"i'm sorry, i know i also promised you that we would move out together after college. but seeing as hyein needs me right now, i can't leave her yet." you look at yunjin and feel the tears start to swell your eyes. yunjin nods and hugs you closer. "hey, it's alright. no worries, i won't pressure you if you still don't want to. we can wait, i can wait. even if it takes ten years, just tell me — i'll understand." you are always, and will be always thankful for having yunjin, it's not always you'll find someone as caring and as understanding.

hyein watches as you embrace yunjin in a tight hug, through the dim corridor. she gently closes her door and leaves it unlocked incase you check up on her.

yunjin tells you to take a rest and as you are sleeping, she sneaks outside of your room to hyein's door. after taking a few breaths she gathers the courage to knock, but before yunjin was able to knock on the door — it opens, yunjin's big eyes meets hyein's sharp ones.

"o-oh, hyein." yunjin smiles.

"yes? do you need something?" hyein asks, looking away. yunjin sighs and nods. "yes, i want to talk to you about your sister." she gets direct to the point, making hyein raise a brow at her, before pouting. "you can have her if you want." yunjin laughs, shaking her head.

"no, i don't mean it that way. of course she's still your sister, hyein. i just need to clear the air between us, and your sister. i know it's hard for you, she's been gone for a long time and hasn't been able to get back at you. there's nothing wrong about you being upset, it's totally valid, that's just the way things go." yunjin shrugs, there's a small smile on her face.

"but i hope you know your sister is trying to do her best to be there for you again. i know what i said earlier must have pushed a button on you, i'm sorry i was being selfish, maybe i should have not been too fast about things. your sister wants to be with you again and spend her time with you before we settle things. i'm willing to wait, if that's what makes you and your sister happy, she's the only one you've got and you are her only sister." hyein knows that of course, but at this age — her pride gets the better of her, it's not easy to face you again after all she's said.

maybe she's been a bad younger sister, but that's now what you would tell her.

"my only advice for you is to talk to her, i'm not saying you should do it but hey, it might work right? you don't have to tell me anything, all i want is for you to know that i care about you too okay? not just y/n." yunjin finishes her words as she steps out of the doorway, hyein closes the door and takes a deep breath — her cheeks puffing out, her plump lips pout.

after a few hours, you wake up to a sight outside, noticing the sky has turned shades of orange and dark blue. you walk past hyein's door to the living room to find hyein sitting on the couch, she's glaring at the television with a pout on her lips. hyein finally acknowledges your presence as you sit beside her, there's an awkward silence for a few minutes until hyein decides to break the ice.

"hey unnie," hyein looks at your way, you find yourself looking back — couldn't help but give her a sweet smile. you left a space between you and hyein, just to not make her feel uncomfortable. "does my sister want to tell me something?" you ask her, your brows soften. hyein nods and fiddles with her fingers, her eyes shifting to her hands that are on her lap.

you hear your sister sigh, before she speaks. "actually, yunjin-unnie talked to me earlier. she kept nagging me about talking to you, and i just want to tell you that i'm sorry okay? i didn't mean to ruin everyone's day earlier. i just felt like i'm being left out. you've been gone for 5 years — yes half a decade, and you come back just to talk about your god awful annoying girlfriend." hyein folds her arms on her chest and huffs.

you frown but then smile in understanding. "i understand that you feel that way hyein, and as your sister, i should've never made you feel that way. we can spend those 5 years together now, i will stay here for even 10 years if you want me to. just please don't be mad at me anymore? i miss my baby sister so much!" you can't get mad at hyein, can't be upset — she's only 15! though people claim that she's matured, there are lots of things for her to learn. she's still young and is in need of attention from her loved ones.

you wait for her consent to scoot closer, she shifts her eyes to you. "i'm not mad, i'm just… upset." she trails.

okay… are they not the same meaning?

anyway, you sigh and shake your head at her. "it's totally fine, you know i understand you, right? you don't have to be afraid to tell me what you feel, and in return i will tell you everything. is that good? can i give my sister a hug?" you ask her, raising your brows. hyein looks away and nods.

you scoot closer, the couch sinks when your weight plus hyein's touch the couch.

you lean to your sister and wrapped your arms around her torso, embracing her close. you don't forget to rest your head to her shoulder, you hear her breathing steadily with you close to her.

hyein reaches for your hand and leans in too, yet she still has that pout on her lips. you laugh and snuggle close to her. "aww, i love my sister so much!" hyein smiles and laughs. "oh shut up." she mutters.

the whole living room was engulf in silence, but after just a few minutes hyein speaks.

"i love my big sister too."

[xreaderbooks]

The Shadows of Our Love |10|

Chapter 10 | In the Shadow of Letters

Pair: Sebastian Sallow x Reader

Summary: You fill Ominis in on what's been going on.

Warnings: None

Word Count: 1k

comment or send me a message if you'd like to be tagged :)

Links: Wattpad - Ao3 - Playlist

Chapter 9 - Series Masterlist - Navigation - Chapter 11

Ever since that last encounter, Vaughn wouldn’t stop popping up everywhere. Did you really not notice him this whole time? He walked past you in the halls with a wave or a ‘Hello’, He sat visibly in the Hufflepuff table in the Great Hall almost in your direct eye-line, you saw his blond hair from a mile away in Hogsmeade with his own friends. You were beginning to see him almost as often as you see Sebastian; which is an annoying amount.

Other things you’ve noticed now that you were opening your mind to the world around you and less around your own self-deprecation, Grace and Sebastian. You never noticed the way they were around each other, it wasn’t anything incriminating really, you just saw them have conversations in the common room or on the way to class. Not that it would be incriminating if it were more than that…

There was a certain pang in your chest when you saw them, it had been a while since you felt this particular emotion, it clawed its way into your heart and made you want to tear your skin off. At least you knew you weren’t the only one that was bothered.

Sebastian, for whatever reason, couldn’t stand the idea of you and Vaughn being friends. The Hufflepuff boy was very sweet and he was attentive, likes to carry your books when you're walking together, for example, and has a hand an inch or two behind your back as if he was guiding you or making sure you wouldn’t fall on the staircase.

Though the friendship blossomed out of nowhere, and he seemed to hover, you didn’t mind him.

You pretended not to notice but Sebastian’s eyes lingered whenever you were around Vaughn, just like yours did when he was talking to Grace, you doubted it was for the same reason but it gave you satisfaction in knowing he was still bothered. It made Vaughn's random appearances much more favorable.

You kept up with your wand work in the Undercroft, making very slight progress, convincing yourself that you were perfecting your skills and not failing at everything else.

“Why do you push yourself so hard?” Ominis breaks you out of your thoughts. He was lounging on the couch now facing your way as if he could watch, in some ways, it felt like he was. His power as a legilimens made it feel more intense than as if he was staring with his own two eyes, no matter the promise of him not reading your mind. You thought he was napping like he always appeared to be doing in and between classes.

You confronted him about him not telling Sebastian that you were using the Undercroft, and he told you that it was better if Sebastian didn’t know (he didn’t feel it was necessary for you to know why, which you were still bugged about) but that Sebastian would not be a nuisance. 

You wipe the sweat off of your brow and sigh, “If I tell you something, will you swear not to get upset?”

His eyebrows lift suspiciously, “That depends on whether or not it warrants my being upset.”

“Have you heard about the Hamlets and what had been happening as of late?” You ask. He wouldn’t want you to get involved and would tell you to go to the authorities but you had a way with Ominis and perhaps he would help you rather than scold you.

“I assumed it had to with the fall of Ranrok, Loyalists on the loose, and whatnot.”

You prayed to Merlin he would not throw a fit about what you were planning on telling him, “I’ve been tracking down camps in my spare time and I came across a family being attacked by a group that calls themselves ‘Death Reapers’ at least that’s what the woman told me. She also said that they’ve been specifically targeting muggle-born witches and wizards.” You decided not to mention that you’ve been attacked by them before and that you almost died this time around.

His face had gone ghostly pale, more so than usual, he didn’t speak. Pensive. You stepped toward him and the moment you did the clicking of the gears to the Undercroft was heard.

“Who died?” Sebastian hears you shuffle your feet as you move to sit next to Ominis.

You brush off the betrayal at Ominis’ earlier promise about Sebastian, and question the boy who hadn’t spoken, “What is it?”

“Your presence doesn’t appear to be helpful,” Sebastian spoke as he strode over and sat on the other side of his friend.

“Ominis and I were having a discussion that has put him in distress, I’m sure your waltzing in here uninvited-”

“Uninvited?” His brows furrowed in confusion and barked out a laugh, “I’m afraid you're the excluded party here.”

“Neither of you is excluded,” Ominis regained his speech, “I wanted you both here so I wouldn’t have to share the same bit of information twice. Y/n, you have just given me a vital piece that I was missing.”

“So much for no one being excluded, I have no bloody idea what you’re on about,” Sebastian’s eyes were wild with question.

You inhaled proudly, “What was that about my presence?”

“Both of you, stop that,” Ominis chided. “You’re acting like children and I am in no mood to babysit.”

“She started it,” The brunette boy pointed with a glare.

You scoffed and crossed your arms, fully sitting back on the couch, “Well? Tell us then.”

“You’re both aware of my family and the history of their feelings towards muggles…”

“Yes, yes, they want them all to burn in their own hell,” Sebastian said with a dismissiveness that had your eyes shooting toward him offended. It was no secret of the Gaunt’s prejudice, especially not with what Sebastian told you and Ominis himself but you had an uneasy feeling about what Ominis may say.

“If what you’re saying is true about the people attacking the Hamlets, then my family may have some part in it, they’ve recently been sending me owls on how they wish for me to be more involved in their business.”

“What does that mean, exactly?” You sit back up and hold onto Ominis’ hand that was clenched in his lap, giving it a squeeze of encouragement.

“I fear they may have created the Death Reapers.”

~~~

More of a plot chapter-ish :/

Chapter 11

Taglist:

@vanivivs - @aqueennia - @wt-fxck - @therealppboy - @boysmedia - @stuffyownswrld - @maddsinthemoon - @dreamshot - @lostgirl-28 - @scrambled-eggs-y

[madisonfilmss]

If In 10 Years Time - austin x reader

Your previous relationship was one you thought would last forever. You had the picture perfect relationship. That was until he left to pursue acting. He said it was better for him to be alone until he figured out if the acting scene was for him. 

Apparently the Hollywood scene was just made for him because it had been a decade since you last saw him. 

Austin Butler was now one of the most sought-after stars in Hollywood, booking roles left and right after his Oscar-worthy performance in Elvis and rightfully so. 

You had been keeping tabs on your first love for many years, seeing him in every role he ever had and admiring him from a distance.  You would always be proud of him, no matter what. 

A Few Days Later 

Today was your day off. Thank God. You had decided that you were gonna watch movies all day and stay in your pajamas. 

It was a few hours later and you were watching The Polar Express. It was November. It was Christmas as far as you were concerned. You decided to light up your fireplace and were drifting in and out of consciousness when your phone started ringing. You thought that the Caller ID read your ex-boyfriends name. That couldn’t be right. It had been a decade.  “Hello?” you ask cautiously. 

“Hi, Y/N. It’s been a while.” 

This can’t be right. 

“Austin?” 

“It’s me.” he responds 

“May I ask why you’re calling? It has been 10 years.” 

“Well, funny you should ask Y/N. I’m actually in town shooting and that got me thinking about you. Would you want to grab dinner with me while I’m here, if you’re free of course!” 

“Is that really the best thing to do Austin?” 

“What’s the harm, Y/N?” 

You pause, taking in his words “What’s the harm?” 

“Do you still live in that little house you were looking at when we were together?” he asks you. 

“How do you know that?” you ask, your eyes widen as if you forgot you were on the phone. 

“I always keep tabs on my girl, Y/N. Whether we’re together or not. Pick you up at 7?”

You hang up the phone, in disbelief that he still knows how to make your heart beat as if you're a teenager again. 

Nothing was going to happen. You couldn’t allow it. You knew the truth. If you let your guard down, even just a little bit, he would be in your heart and that couldn’t happen. You couldn’t take the pain of him leaving you again like he was bound to do. 

As you got ready for your night with Austin, a million thoughts went through your mind. 

Does he look the same? Does he still enjoy acting like he did when you were together? Is he still your home? Does he still love you as much as you love him, even after all this time? 

Those were questions for later on in the night. First, you had to pick out an outfit. 

A Few Hours Later 

You had settled on an outfit but the butterflies hadn’t settled in your stomach. The doorbell rings and you go into auto-pilot as you head toward the door. 

Austin POV

Y/N opens the door and she looks as beautiful as she did all those years ago, even better if that were possible. All I know is that I could see this view a thousand more times if I was allowed. She was everything I would ever need. My heart will forever belong to her.

Your POV 

I open the door to see Austin on the other side. I swear I could see him looking me up and down and he wasn’t afraid to show it. “You look beautiful.” 

He was dressed in just a white t-shirt and black jeans with his golden curls all messily atop his head. God, he’s so pretty. How could I have let him go? That’s gonna change tonight. “You don’t look so bad yourself,” you say as a smile creeps on your face. 

“You ready to go?” he asks 

“Of course I am." you reply 

As you lock up your apartment, you feel Austin’s hand take a hold of yours. 

“You were shaking. It’s okay. You know I’ll always be there for you, no matter what capacity.” 

You let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding. With just the touch of his hand, he was able to quiet my unspoken fears. 

Once out on the road, it was like going back in time, singing to the words of the song playing on the radio. You and Austin had gone back in time, back to the loving teenagers you once were. 

At the diner you were excited to be able to really talk to Austin, seeing where life had taken him and hopefully seeing where you would fit into his life now after all this time. 

You sat there for a minute waiting for your food to be done but unable to look him in the eyes. What if I’ve changed too much? He won’t love me anymore.  

“Y/N.”  You look at him with wide eyes. “I know something’s wrong? What is it? You can tell me anything.” 

Why did I look down? He can still read me like his favorite book. 

“You want the truth?” 

“Always and forever.” he replies, looking at you like there is no one else in the room. That has never changed. 

“‘I’m just wondering why you randomly decided to call me? We didn’t end on the best terms.” 

He looks at you apologetically. “That was my fault. Leaving you was, no it is, the greatest regret of my life, Y/N. These past 10 years have been a whirlwind but whenever I get a chance to breathe, the only thing that comes to mind is you. You are my constant. The one thing that keeps me going.” he stops to take your hands in his. 

“You haven’t had relationships? What about Vanessa? Kaia? I keep tabs on you, believe it or not.” 

You see a hint of a smile creep on his lips. “They were there as a distraction. They kept my mind busy. I didn’t love them, Y/N. No matter what job I take, what new city I’m in, who I’m hanging out with, I’m wishing I had you there next to me.” 

You officially start to cry. 

“Hey, hey hey. I didn’t mean to make you cry, love.” 

“I promise they are happy tears.” 

You wanted to go back to your place and figure out what was gonna happen next. Austin being the gentleman he is, opened your door for you and drove you home. Getting into that car with him, it was like nothing had changed. Both of you fell harder for each other than you did the last time you were together, unknowingly to the other person. 

“Do you want ice cream? I know that you always had to keep a pint in the freezer for your after dinner cravings.” 

“You remember that?” 

“I remember everything, love.” 

“I have a pint of chocolate on the top shelf. I’ll share with you.” 

“Wow, you never shared your ice cream when we were together.” 

“There are some things that you don’t know about me, Butler.” 

A blush rises to his cheeks at the nickname. 

“Go sit down. I got this. 

You go and sit on the couch, turning on The Polar Express. 

While waiting for him to join you on the sofa, your overthinking creeps in. 

Is he gonna leave me again? Maybe this shouldn’t happen. I shouldn’t have said yes. He’s gonna hurt me again. 

He sits next to you and you give him a small smile but he can tell when your overthinking hits you. 

“Hey, hey hey. What’s going on?” He sets the ice cream on the coffee table to give you his full, undivided attention. 

“Nothing.” you say shaking your head, trying to change the subject.

“I know you better than anyone. I know when you get in your head. Talk to me.” 

“I’m scared Austin. I should actually say terrified. I don’t want to start this up again just for you to leave me again. I can’t go through that again. I won’t let myself go through it again.” 

“Do you know how much I missed you? Really? I laid awake every night for the better part of a decade because I couldn’t believe that I let my girl get away. I let you leave and I didn’t even try to stop you. That kills me. I understand that it’s gonna take some time for you to trust me again and I’m willing to do anything I need to do but I know for certain that I will do everything I can to prove to you that this is the right thing to do. Just tell me that you’re still mine.” 

You take a moment to look at Austin. The amount of love in his eyes for you is so evident but there is still a little twinge of doubt in your brain which is still at the forefront of your mind. 

“I don’t know Austin.” you say as you turn away from him. 

He just holds your hands tighter. “Y/N. Look at me when I say this to you.” 

You slowly look back toward him. “No matter where we are in our lives, you still have my heart. When you left, I shut down. I locked up my heart and you’re the only one who has ever had the key.”

[etaindelaserna]

Hello again....Do you mind if I ask your top 5 (or top 10) favorite moments from any media that you love (can books, anime/manga, tv series, movies, games, etc)? Thanks if you want to answer. Sorry if I ask too much or if I accidentally send this ask twice.....

Hello! Don't worry! I'm always appreciative when I see one of your asks pop up. So. Here. We. Go. As always in no particular order:

Gandalf talks to Frodo in Moria about Gollum (The Fellowship of the Ring)

There is something about that dialogue that always struck me as true, as something that touches our very essence. Not passing judgment too hastly, but also that our life is full of opportunities and each day we are confronted with the question what to do with this day. Nothing is lost. It just hasn't happened yet. We can choose whether we want to succeed or fail, whether we want to be good or bad.

Naruto confronts Zabuza about Haku (Naruto)

That moment never fails to make me tear up. Until that moment I didn't even consider Zabuza to be capable of having emotions but Naruto tore his armor away and revealed the deep connection he shared with Haku. I felt sad watching them die and yet it taught me and Naruto a lot about the shinobi lifestyle.

The truth about Itachi is revealed (Naruto)

Yeah, that one was a shock. I always wanted to believe that there was more to Itachi's story other than that he killed his whole clan because he "wanted to test his strength". Especially because he always tried to avoid a fight with Konoha shinobis and definitely didn't seem keen on killing them. But that Itachi sacrificed everything except Sasuke for the village -- that was a punch.

Luffy fights Arlong for Nami (One Piece)

Everything came together in that moment. I knew from the moment Nami couldn't let Zoro drown that something was up and when Arlong showed her that he will never ever let her or her village go, her desperation and fragility accumulated into pure epicness: asking Luffy to help her, Luffy trusting her with his hat and the boys just ready to beat the shit out of Arlong and his crew.

Theoden's speech at the Pelennor Fields (Return of the King)

Goosebumps. Every single time. The words. The music. Everything that leads up to it was pure desperation and then the riders arrive and god damn it. They came. They showed up to fight against the evils of Mordor. I was 13 when I saw this scene for the first time and I wanted to ride with them into battle.

Mufasa's ghost (The Lion King)

Mufasa's death must be something that has been ingrained into every millenials DNA. Just thinking about this scene, the music, Mufasa's desperation to save his son, his face when Scar betrays him, Simba's fear and sadness when he discovers that his father is dead ... it's a tragedy that speaks to one of our deepest fears: the loss of a parent or a loved one. And then ... he comes back to guide Simba, to remind him of his responsibility. It hits home.

Jon Snow's resurrection (Game of Thrones)

Jon was easily one of my favourite characters of the show. When he was killed I didn't want to accept it. It just wasn't possible that this was the end. This was all it amounted to: dead, because he did the right thing. Just like Ned and Robb. So when he was brought back to life I felt alive, too. It gave me hope that after all this something good would come out of it ... but yeah, then season 7 and 8 happened.

Vader saves Luke from the Emperor (The Return of the Jedi)

Another moment that just touched something within me. Luke's love for his father made him turn back to the light side. I've known Star Wars since I can remember but it still makes me cheer. It restores hope.

Morgain brings Arthur to Avalon (The Mists of Avalon)

I always felt that Arthur and Morgain were meant to be, but destiny made them half siblings. And when after all their hardships and years of separation, even after Morgain tried to dethrone Arthur and after he killed Mordred, she still seeked him out, only to find him mortally wounded from the battle -- and Arthur accepted her, was glad to see her one last time and asked her to bring him to Avalon. I felt the tragedy and sadness of their story. I also always felt that Arthur truly loved Morgain but knew that it could never be. So her kidness at the end, promising him, that she wasn't going to leave again, was at least some closure for me.

Harry learns the real truth about Sirius (The Prisoner of Azkaban)

This twist, that Sirius wasn't the one who betrayed Liliy and James, was such a surprise. But what sold the moment for me was the relief Harry felt when after years of abuse and neglect by the Dursleys, he would be able to live with Sirius. I loved that moment. It was so easy to imagine how happy Harry must have felt in that moment.

[capricorn-season]

10 JUNE 2020

J.K. Rowling Writes about Her Reasons for Speaking out on Sex and Gender Issues

Warning: The below content is not appropriate for children. Please check with an adult before you read this page. 

This isn’t an easy piece to write, for reasons that will shortly become clear, but I know it’s time to explain myself on an issue surrounded by toxicity. I write this without any desire to add to that toxicity.

For people who don’t know: last December I tweeted my support for Maya Forstater, a tax specialist who’d lost her job for what were deemed ‘transphobic’ tweets. She took her case to an employment tribunal, asking the judge to rule on whether a philosophical belief that sex is determined by biology is protected in law. Judge Tayler ruled that it wasn’t.

My interest in trans issues pre-dated Maya’s case by almost two years, during which I followed the debate around the concept of gender identity closely. I’ve met trans people, and read sundry books, blogs and articles by trans people, gender specialists, intersex people, psychologists, safeguarding experts, social workers and doctors, and followed the discourse online and in traditional media. On one level, my interest in this issue has been professional, because I’m writing a crime series, set in the present day, and my fictional female detective is of an age to be interested in, and affected by, these issues herself, but on another, it’s intensely personal, as I’m about to explain.

All the time I’ve been researching and learning, accusations and threats from trans activists have been bubbling in my Twitter timeline. This was initially triggered by a ‘like’. When I started taking an interest in gender identity and transgender matters, I began screenshotting comments that interested me, as a way of reminding myself what I might want to research later. On one occasion, I absent-mindedly ‘liked’ instead of screenshotting. That single ‘like’ was deemed evidence of wrongthink, and a persistent low level of harassment began.

Months later, I compounded my accidental ‘like’ crime by following Magdalen Berns on Twitter. Magdalen was an immensely brave young feminist and lesbian who was dying of an aggressive brain tumour. I followed her because I wanted to contact her directly, which I succeeded in doing. However, as Magdalen was a great believer in the importance of biological sex, and didn’t believe lesbians should be called bigots for not dating trans women with penises, dots were joined in the heads of twitter trans activists, and the level of social media abuse increased.

I mention all this only to explain that I knew perfectly well what was going to happen when I supported Maya. I must have been on my fourth or fifth cancellation by then. I expected the threats of violence, to be told I was literally killing trans people with my hate, to be called cunt and bitch and, of course, for my books to be burned, although one particularly abusive man told me he’d composted them.

What I didn’t expect in the aftermath of my cancellation was the avalanche of emails and letters that came showering down upon me, the overwhelming majority of which were positive, grateful and supportive. They came from a cross-section of kind, empathetic and intelligent people, some of them working in fields dealing with gender dysphoria and trans people, who’re all deeply concerned about the way a socio-political concept is influencing politics, medical practice and safeguarding. They’re worried about the dangers to young people, gay people and about the erosion of women’s and girl’s rights. Above all, they’re worried about a climate of fear that serves nobody – least of all trans youth – well.

I’d stepped back from Twitter for many months both before and after tweeting support for Maya, because I knew it was doing nothing good for my mental health. I only returned because I wanted to share a free children’s book during the pandemic. Immediately, activists who clearly believe themselves to be good, kind and progressive people swarmed back into my timeline, assuming a right to police my speech, accuse me of hatred, call me misogynistic slurs and, above all – as every woman involved in this debate will know – TERF.

If you didn’t already know – and why should you? – ‘TERF’ is an acronym coined by trans activists, which stands for Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminist. In practice, a huge and diverse cross-section of women are currently being called TERFs and the vast majority have never been radical feminists. Examples of so-called TERFs range from the mother of a gay child who was afraid their child wanted to transition to escape homophobic bullying, to a hitherto totally unfeminist older lady who’s vowed never to visit Marks & Spencer again because they’re allowing any man who says they identify as a woman into the women’s changing rooms. Ironically, radical feminists aren’t even trans-exclusionary – they include trans men in their feminism, because they were born women.

But accusations of TERFery have been sufficient to intimidate many people, institutions and organisations I once admired, who’re cowering before the tactics of the playground. ‘They’ll call us transphobic!’ ‘They’ll say I hate trans people!’ What next, they’ll say you’ve got fleas? Speaking as a biological woman, a lot of people in positions of power really need to grow a pair (which is doubtless literally possible, according to the kind of people who argue that clownfish prove humans aren’t a dimorphic species).

So why am I doing this? Why speak up? Why not quietly do my research and keep my head down?

Well, I’ve got five reasons for being worried about the new trans activism, and deciding I need to speak up.

Firstly, I have a charitable trust that focuses on alleviating social deprivation in Scotland, with a particular emphasis on women and children. Among other things, my trust supports projects for female prisoners and for survivors of domestic and sexual abuse. I also fund medical research into MS, a disease that behaves very differently in men and women. It’s been clear to me for a while that the new trans activism is having (or is likely to have, if all its demands are met) a significant impact on many of the causes I support, because it’s pushing to erode the legal definition of sex and replace it with gender.

The second reason is that I’m an ex-teacher and the founder of a children’s charity, which gives me an interest in both education and safeguarding. Like many others, I have deep concerns about the effect the trans rights movement is having on both.

The third is that, as a much-banned author, I’m interested in freedom of speech and have publicly defended it, even unto Donald Trump.

The fourth is where things start to get truly personal. I’m concerned about the huge explosion in young women wishing to transition and also about the increasing numbers who seem to be detransitioning (returning to their original sex), because they regret taking steps that have, in some cases, altered their bodies irrevocably, and taken away their fertility. Some say they decided to transition after realising they were same-sex attracted, and that transitioning was partly driven by homophobia, either in society or in their families.

Most people probably aren’t aware – I certainly wasn’t, until I started researching this issue properly – that ten years ago, the majority of people wanting to transition to the opposite sex were male. That ratio has now reversed. The UK has experienced a 4400% increase in girls being referred for transitioning treatment. Autistic girls are hugely overrepresented in their numbers.

The same phenomenon has been seen in the US. In 2018,  American physician and researcher Lisa Littman set out to explore it. In an interview, she said:

‘Parents online were describing a very unusual pattern of transgender-identification where multiple friends and even entire friend groups became transgender-identified at the same time. I would have been remiss had I not considered social contagion and peer influences as potential factors.’

Littman mentioned Tumblr, Reddit, Instagram and YouTube as contributing factors to Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria, where she believes that in the realm of transgender identification ‘youth have created particularly insular echo chambers.’

Her paper caused a furore. She was accused of bias and of spreading misinformation about transgender people, subjected to a tsunami of abuse and a concerted campaign to discredit both her and her work. The journal took the paper offline and re-reviewed it before republishing it. However, her career took a similar hit to that suffered by Maya Forstater. Lisa Littman had dared challenge one of the central tenets of trans activism, which is that a person’s gender identity is innate, like sexual orientation. Nobody, the activists insisted, could ever be persuaded into being trans.

The argument of many current trans activists is that if you don’t let a gender dysphoric teenager transition, they will kill themselves. In an article explaining why he resigned from the Tavistock (an NHS gender clinic in England) psychiatrist Marcus Evans stated that claims that children will kill themselves if not permitted to transition do not ‘align substantially with any robust data or studies in this area. Nor do they align with the cases I have encountered over decades as a psychotherapist.’

The writings of young trans men reveal a group of notably sensitive and clever people.  The more of their accounts of gender dysphoria I’ve read, with their insightful descriptions of anxiety, dissociation, eating disorders, self-harm and self-hatred, the more I’ve wondered whether, if I’d been born 30 years later, I too might have tried to transition. The allure of escaping womanhood would have been huge. I struggled with severe OCD as a teenager. If I’d found community and sympathy online that I couldn’t find in my immediate environment, I believe I could have been persuaded to turn myself into the son my father had openly said he’d have preferred.

When I read about the theory of gender identity, I remember how mentally sexless I felt in youth. I remember Colette’s description of herself as a ‘mental hermaphrodite’ and Simone de Beauvoir’s words: ‘It is perfectly natural for the future woman to feel indignant at the limitations posed upon her by her sex. The real question is not why she should reject them: the problem is rather to understand why she accepts them.’

As I didn’t have a realistic possibility of becoming a man back in the 1980s, it had to be books and music that got me through both my mental health issues and the sexualised scrutiny and judgement that sets so many girls to war against their bodies in their teens. Fortunately for me, I found my own sense of otherness, and my ambivalence about being a woman, reflected in the work of female writers and musicians who reassured me that, in spite of everything a sexist world tries to throw at the female-bodied, it’s fine not to feel pink, frilly and compliant inside your own head; it’s OK to feel confused, dark, both sexual and non-sexual, unsure of what or who you are.

I want to be very clear here: I know transition will be a solution for some gender dysphoric people, although I’m also aware through extensive research that studies have consistently shown that between 60-90% of gender dysphoric teens will grow out of their dysphoria. Again and again I’ve been told to ‘just meet some trans people.’ I have: in addition to a few younger people, who were all adorable, I happen to know a self-described transsexual woman who’s older than I am and wonderful. Although she’s open about her past as a gay man, I’ve always found it hard to think of her as anything other than a woman, and I believe (and certainly hope) she’s completely happy to have transitioned. Being older, though, she went through a long and rigorous process of evaluation, psychotherapy and staged transformation. The current explosion of trans activism is urging a removal of almost all the robust systems through which candidates for sex reassignment were once required to pass. A man who intends to have no surgery and take no hormones may now secure himself a Gender Recognition Certificate and be a woman in the sight of the law. Many people aren’t aware of this.

We’re living through the most misogynistic period I’ve experienced. Back in the 80s, I imagined that my future daughters, should I have any, would have it far better than I ever did, but between the backlash against feminism and a porn-saturated online culture, I believe things have got significantly worse for girls. Never have I seen women denigrated and dehumanised to the extent they are now. From the leader of the free world’s long history of sexual assault accusations and his proud boast of ‘grabbing them by the pussy’, to the incel (‘involuntarily celibate’) movement that rages against women who won’t give them sex, to the trans activists who declare that TERFs need punching and re-educating, men across the political spectrum seem to agree: women are asking for trouble. Everywhere, women are being told to shut up and sit down, or else.

I’ve read all the arguments about femaleness not residing in the sexed body, and the assertions that biological women don’t have common experiences, and I find them, too, deeply misogynistic and regressive. It’s also clear that one of the objectives of denying the importance of sex is to erode what some seem to see as the cruelly segregationist idea of women having their own biological realities or – just as threatening – unifying realities that make them a cohesive political class. The hundreds of emails I’ve received in the last few days prove this erosion concerns many others just as much.  It isn’t enough for women to be trans allies. Women must accept and admit that there is no material difference between trans women and themselves.

But, as many women have said before me, ‘woman’ is not a costume. ‘Woman’ is not an idea in a man’s head. ‘Woman’ is not a pink brain, a liking for Jimmy Choos or any of the other sexist ideas now somehow touted as progressive. Moreover, the ‘inclusive’ language that calls female people ‘menstruators’ and ‘people with vulvas’ strikes many women as dehumanising and demeaning. I understand why trans activists consider this language to be appropriate and kind, but for those of us who’ve had degrading slurs spat at us by violent men, it’s not neutral, it’s hostile and alienating.

Which brings me to the fifth reason I’m deeply concerned about the consequences of the current trans activism.

I’ve been in the public eye now for over twenty years and have never talked publicly about being a domestic abuse and sexual assault survivor. This isn’t because I’m ashamed those things happened to me, but because they’re traumatic to revisit and remember. I also feel protective of my daughter from my first marriage. I didn’t want to claim sole ownership of a story that belongs to her, too. However, a short while ago, I asked her how she’d feel if I were publicly honest about that part of my life, and she encouraged me to go ahead.

I’m mentioning these things now not in an attempt to garner sympathy, but out of solidarity with the huge numbers of women who have histories like mine, who’ve been slurred as bigots for having concerns around single-sex spaces.

I managed to escape my first violent marriage with some difficulty, but I’m now married to a truly good and principled man, safe and secure in ways I never in a million years expected to be. However, the scars left by violence and sexual assault don’t disappear, no matter how loved you are, and no matter how much money you’ve made. My perennial jumpiness is a family joke – and even I know it’s funny – but I pray my daughters never have the same reasons I do for hating sudden loud noises, or finding people behind me when I haven’t heard them approaching.

If you could come inside my head and understand what I feel when I read about a trans woman dying at the hands of a violent man, you’d find solidarity and kinship. I have a visceral sense of the terror in which those trans women will have spent their last seconds on earth, because I too have known moments of blind fear when I realised that the only thing keeping me alive was the shaky self-restraint of my attacker.

I believe the majority of trans-identified people not only pose zero threat to others, but are vulnerable for all the reasons I’ve outlined. Trans people need and deserve protection. Like women, they’re most likely to be killed by sexual partners. Trans women who work in the sex industry, particularly trans women of colour, are at particular risk. Like every other domestic abuse and sexual assault survivor I know, I feel nothing but empathy and solidarity with trans women who’ve been abused by men.

So I want trans women to be safe. At the same time, I do not want to make natal girls and women less safe. When you throw open the doors of bathrooms and changing rooms to any man who believes or feels he’s a woman – and, as I’ve said, gender confirmation certificates may now be granted without any need for surgery or hormones – then you open the door to any and all men who wish to come inside. That is the simple truth.

On Saturday morning, I read that the Scottish government is proceeding with its controversial gender recognition plans, which will in effect mean that all a man needs to ‘become a woman’ is to say he’s one. To use a very contemporary word, I was ‘triggered’. Ground down by the relentless attacks from trans activists on social media, when I was only there to give children feedback about pictures they’d drawn for my book under lockdown, I spent much of Saturday in a very dark place inside my head, as memories of a serious sexual assault I suffered in my twenties recurred on a loop. That assault happened at a time and in a space where I was vulnerable, and a man capitalised on an opportunity.  I couldn’t shut out those memories and I was finding it hard to contain my anger and disappointment about the way I believe my government is playing fast and loose with womens and girls’ safety.

Late on Saturday evening, scrolling through children’s pictures before I went to bed, I forgot the first rule of Twitter – never, ever expect a nuanced conversation – and reacted to what I felt was degrading language about women. I spoke up about the importance of sex and have been paying the price ever since. I was transphobic, I was a cunt, a bitch, a TERF, I deserved cancelling, punching and death. You are Voldemort said one person, clearly feeling this was the only language I’d understand.

It would be so much easier to tweet the approved hashtags – because of course trans rights are human rights and of course trans lives matter – scoop up the woke cookies and bask in a virtue-signalling afterglow. There’s joy, relief and safety in conformity. As Simone de Beauvoir also wrote, “… without a doubt it is more comfortable to endure blind bondage than to work for one’s liberation; the dead, too, are better suited to the earth than the living.”

Huge numbers of women are justifiably terrified by the trans activists; I know this because so many have got in touch with me to tell their stories. They’re afraid of doxxing, of losing their jobs or their livelihoods, and of violence.

But endlessly unpleasant as its constant targeting of me has been, I refuse to bow down to a movement that I believe is doing demonstrable harm in seeking to erode ‘woman’ as a political and biological class and offering cover to predators like few before it. I stand alongside the brave women and men, gay, straight and trans, who’re standing up for freedom of speech and thought, and for the rights and safety of some of the most vulnerable in our society: young gay kids, fragile teenagers, and women who’re reliant on and wish to retain their single sex spaces. Polls show those women are in the vast majority, and exclude only those privileged or lucky enough never to have come up against male violence or sexual assault, and who’ve never troubled to educate themselves on how prevalent it is.

The one thing that gives me hope is that the women who can protest and organise, are doing so, and they have some truly decent men and trans people alongside them. Political parties seeking to appease the loudest voices in this debate are ignoring women’s concerns at their peril. In the UK, women are reaching out to each other across party lines, concerned about the erosion of their hard-won rights and widespread intimidation. None of the gender critical women I’ve talked to hates trans people; on the contrary. Many of them became interested in this issue in the first place out of concern for trans youth, and they’re hugely sympathetic towards trans adults who simply want to live their lives, but who’re facing a backlash for a brand of activism they don’t endorse. The supreme irony is that the attempt to silence women with the word ‘TERF’ may have pushed more young women towards radical feminism than the movement’s seen in decades.

The last thing I want to say is this. I haven’t written this essay in the hope that anybody will get out a violin for me, not even a teeny-weeny one. I’m extraordinarily fortunate; I’m a survivor, certainly not a victim. I’ve only mentioned my past because, like every other human being on this planet, I have a complex backstory, which shapes my fears, my interests and my opinions. I never forget that inner complexity when I’m creating a fictional character and I certainly never forget it when it comes to trans people.

All I’m asking – all I want – is for similar empathy, similar understanding, to be extended to the many millions of women whose sole crime is wanting their concerns to be heard without receiving threats and abuse.