#she looks so androgynous i cant

[wiccaphiliaa]

Ugh whatever, heres Ianthe 🙄 😒 *pretends not to care about her*

[tlouwhore]

modern!ellie headcanons

notes/warnings: pet names used (baby), sfw, loser!ellie a little (i cant help it), no race specific information, androgynous reader

★ she has an insane mug collection thats so strange, when you go to hers for the first time its such a weird thing

"you want something to drink?"

"sure"

and you'll go back to messing with her stuff that she left sprawled across her coffee table until you hear her clomp over and extend her arm, she'll be holding an inconveniently built mug out to you casually

"els, what the fuck is that?"

she tilts her head and furrows her brow, confused at your comment as if its unreasonable to ask why shes handing you a horrifically constructed alien mug thats bound to spill all over you

★ speaking of these mugs, she refuses to get rid of *any* of them. when you guys move in together you're begging her to just get rid of one but she refuses

"els, please. we dont have enough shelves for these, we need normal drinking glasses."

you sigh as the mugs sit across the kitchen counter, shes on one side staring at them while youre on the other side staring at her.

"i cant, i use them all"

she doesn't. she drinks out of one and she only ever drinks water from it. you go back and forth for merely minutes before you throw in the towel and just let her do her thing, if shes happy you dgaf about the normal water glasses.

★ shes a loud ass walker, you will hear her before you see her. you genuinely start to think she's doing it on purpose.

★ she has one belt and its one wrong move from completing snapping in two pieces, there is a literal half inch of material holding it together

★ needs to pet street cats every time she sees them, whenever you point out that they're probably diseased she scoffs

★ tries to pretend shes good at fixing things but has no clue what shes doing—the toilet isnt flushing properly and so she stands about 3 feet from it and stares at it with her weight shifted to one side. she'll have on a tank top on and slacked down carhartt pants engulfing her legs as she nods. she really likes to take care of you so she'll refuse to admit she has no idea what shes doing and when you walk away she looks up "toilet not flushing reddit"

★ she fucks with the twilight franchise but pretends to hate it because it doesn't "look cool"

★ she cant drive, she failed her permit test 3 times and pretends like every other driver on the road is the problem (shes the issue every time)

★ she drives a beat up car or truck, it smells a little funny and the radio gets three stations so you have to rummage through her mass cd collection to find something to listen to. half the cds wont even be in their case but instead haphazardly chucked around her car in random spots. the only ones she keeps in order are your cds, which have a specific bag so you don't have to scurry about in her car to find them.

★ 3 pairs of socks and they all have holes in them, she'll complain that the floor is cold all the time

"god the floor is so cold in here"

"can you just put some socks on?"

"i'm wearing socks right now"

"oh really?"

and she'll point as her feet, half her toes are out and her heel is fully exposed. its about the same as just wearing no socks at some point. you'll just stare in disbelief for a moment before scoffing.

"what'd you do that for?"

that small crease between her brows finding its way to her face as it always does.

"you're barely wearing socks"

"oh whatever"

★ has to physically restrain herself from telling you the gift she bought you for any holiday or event, shes tweaking out and cant function until she gives it to you

★ she loves to just be in your presence, she'll observe your routines. she enjoys perching next to you as you get ready, no matter how short or long or a routine she will be by your side

★ she can cook a crazy burger but that's literally all she can make

★ shes a blushing mess for you but she loves to get cocky and pretend she isn't when texting you

★ needy and will message you thirst trap ass photos in an attempt to get you to leave work early and be with her (it works)

[genderfluid-culture-iss]

for the baby genderfluid tips!!

this could just be me lmao, but DO NOT donate your fem clothes if you feel masc for longer than usual. or vice versa.

keeping a gender journal is something that can be really helpful to actually look back on and see how it changes (and also have proof of fluidity for when you begin to think "hmm actually im just a trans girl. nothing else." no, you probably aren't. you felt completely boy/nonbinary/etc just a month ago, and thats okay.)

basically it can be really hard to embrace that your gender is not static, especially if your gender stays stable for a slightly longer period. it took me so long to stop rotating between "im a girl always" "no, im a boy always" "actually, im nonbinary always" to just admit im genderfluid.

also, make genderfluid content. you don't have to show it to anyone, but sometimes it can really help to make poetry or art or write a story about being fluid and your experience in particular. i have an easy avenue for this since i write fanfiction (haven't published any of it yet lmao) and i just hit my favorite characters with my genderfluid beam and go nuts

follow people who are genderfluid, read genderfluid books, maybe join a genderfluid discord server (there are barely any, so actually maybe make one), try to make genderfluid friends. you are not alone, even though it sometimes feels that way.

if you have plushies or anything similar, make them genderfluid. i have a genderfluid squishmallow who i use she/they pronouns for, and a little husky that switches between he/she. idk it just helps sometimes lol

some of us change gender daily, or multiple times a day. some of us change gender only a couple times a year, or even less. we're all different and that's fine.

tips for presentation:

if you have a day when you can't figure out gender, go neutral clothing-wise

take little things to ease dysphoria if you switch when you're out somewhere (ex. lipgloss, eyeliner, leather bracelet, etc)

if you can, get pronoun pins. seriously, get pronoun pins (or a colored bracelet for subtlety or if you're not out). you can wear multiple at a time, you can switch them whenever you need to. you aren't a burden if your pronouns change. you don't have to stick to they/them to be easy for people.

if you can, get a versatile hairstyle that you can make suit your gender no matter what. if you cant, try to get a hairstyle that makes you the least dysphoric overall.

if you are organized enough, separate your clothes based on gender/what you feel comfy wearing on different days. do not pressure yourself to fit stereotypes. some people can only feel comfortable in skirts when theyre boys, so they only wear skirts on boy days. do what works for you.

it's kinda complicated, but if you can expand your vocal range to sound more fem or masc depending on how you feel, it can help. alternatively, vocal train to make it more androgynous.

keep makeup wipes with you in case you need to take it off part way through being out. basically, make it as easy as possible to be able to change/tweak your presentation if necessary.

this could just be me, but having lots of hoodies in different colors and styles will save your life

sometimes you might have "blender days", which is what i call it when your gender feels like its in a blender in a bad way and you can't tell at all what it is, everything feels wrong, it's changing like every 10 minutes, etc. tbh on these days all i can do is put on sweats and a hoodie and feel dysphoric. listen to music if it helps. do a hobby.

non-clothing items can help a lot. a blue tshirt and jeans can be whatever you want it to be based on what you wear it with. (ex. sneakers/ballet flats, leather bracelet/sparkly necklace, baseball cap/eyeliner)

and lastly: YOU ARE AMAZING. keep being you, keep being incredible, and know that being genderfluid is a gift. be proud to be who you are, have fun, know that you are unique and special and wonderful!! we're ever-changing, and that's awesome. you are precious. i love you.

🩷🤍💜🖤💙

dont wanna link my tumblr, but my name is kiley if you want to attach a name to this!

Okay this is a lot more than I was expecting LMAO /pos

Thank you so much for this Kiley <33 I’ll start working on a masterpost with links to all this.

[natsmagi]

The hyperfeminization of Arashi by the fandom has been such an issue for the longest time: from forcing her to wear pinks, skirts, dresses *ALL* of the time, to constantly making redesigns of her outfits to fit what they deem to be more feminine. It isn’t a problem to wear any of these, and trans women do wear a lot of these, but the problem is that it not only is not true to her character, but the people who do these things only conduct such because it’s what THEY think is more feminine (because it is what was considered traditionally feminine). When in reality, Arashi herself is already feminine. Everyone knows the writers struggle to respectfully portray her character at times, but her principles have ALWAYS remained the same, and clear. She doesn’t enjoy her gender identity being paraded on, she is comfortable in the clothes she wears. It’s especially frustrating when people redisgn her to always wear dresses, have longer hair, and other things they think makes her more feminine when Arashi chose to dress the way that she does. She likes pants, she likes short hair, the whole point of her character is loving the way that she is- why would she change it so drastically the way that the fandom does? They act as if she is a damsel in distress, when Arashi is one of the most strongest and confident characters. She’s in touch with her emotions most times, and wouldn’t willingly choose things that would make her dysphoric. It’s especially upsetting when the fandom does these things because it begins to hurt real transfem people, and in turn hurts the rest of the community because of how high these expectations go. They expect Arashi to be 100% feminine all the time, degrade her when she shows a bit of masculinity, which then becomes real life transphobia in expecting trans women in real life to hold these standards. This then hurts other trans people in expecting transmasc to be 100% masculine all the time, or non-binary/agender/etc. people to be 100% androgynous all the time. We must accept that Arashi is trans. People think they do already but don’t ACTUALLY accept that she is. They use the pronouns and correct such, but they don’t correct the internalized transphobia they have because they don’t think they have any. Arashi has stated that she does enjoy exploring masculinity at times and feels comfortable to do so, and so we must accept that she will be exploring masculinity when she feels like it: just as any other transfem person would. The people who constantly parade her identity make me think that they don’t surround themselves with other trans people, because they would know that many trans people explore their expression in different ways. Why is it okay for trans masc to wear makeup, dresses and skirts while not having their integrity questioned yet transfem cannot wear pants, have off days or just explore masculine expression when they are already comfortable with their identity?

All in all, it’s disgusting to constantly police Arashi’s gender identity just because it was uncomfortable for the viewer that cannot accept that transfem are allowed to explore their gender identity

!!!!!! YES EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU EXPLAINED IT BETTER THAN I EVER COULDVE!!!!!!!!!!! i agree with u 100%

i dont have much more to add but i will say i feel like people often forget that queer identities are REAAAAAAALLY NUANCED AND COMPLEX. like. you dont need to look a certain way in order to Be something. theres plenty of cis women who prefer wearing pants or having short hair or whatever, so why cant trans women??? why do we always need to fit so perfectly into these little boxes society places onto us in order to be viewed as valid and respected?

being queer is about defying norms, not creating new ones. You can act like youre a trans ally all you want but if you refuse to accept or acknowledge the nuances that comes with being trans and the unique and individual relationships we all have with our assigned gender and masculinity/femininity as a whole, no matter how often you use the correct pronouns, if you keep needing us to be and look a certain way in order for you to acknowledge us as actually Being our gender for YOUR comfort, youre transphobic.

its frustrating how feminism used to be a push for allowing women to dress and act however they want (aswell as having rights ofc) But now for some reason we're right back at square one where women need to be soft and delicate and petite and wear pink dresses or else youre not a real woman or youre seen as lesser. That is not queer allyship, nor is it empowering women

[eirian]

yall ready for a gender journey post..

so yall could probably guess i grew up a cis girl. i didnt start questioning my gender until high school after i broke up with my first boyfriend which kind of freed me up to explore my identity as my own person for the first time. around age like 16 was when i first started identifying as trans, and at the time that meant a binary trans guy

after a couple years of getting comfortable exploring my gender i decided hey maybe im actually not a binary trans guy but instead nonbinary. still transmasc and guy leaning but not quite all the way anymore. this became a trend for the next loooong while, getting closer to the androgynous part of the spectrum as time went on

then in recent years (maybe about 5 years ago ish) i started to lean more towards femininity. this is significant for me because growing up i was always opposed to it--i hated wearing dresses, i hated putting on makeup, anything "girly" appalled me and i didnt know why. i ended up thinking its because i WASNT a girl, and thats why i was so uncomfortable with everything to do with being a girl. i rejected it so hard because it just wasnt me.

after living with eden for a while i got even more comfortable exploring the feminine part of myself. i started wearing dresses and skirts and actually ENJOYED it; i started painting my nails and wearing earrings again; i even grew my hair out to my shoulderblades (yeah thats where its at now LOL). ive even started using she/her alongside they/them. and im actually enjoying these things??? it feels like after all these years im finally able to reclaim them because i feel like im finally able to be comfortable with my gender--how my gender feels to ME, not to everyone else.

that was the problem when i was growing up--i was trapped in everyone else's perception of my gender and what it "should" be. i was trapped into a box that was made by everyone else's idea of what i SHOULD look like, what i SHOULD wear, what i SHOULD act like, etc. and it took me until age 26 to fully realize that my gender is what i want it to be, not what everyone else wants.

i dont have to be a guy to want facial hair and a flat chest and a low voice. loving pink and dresses and cute things and makeup and jewelry doesnt inherently mean im a girl. pronouns, features, clothes, even names dont inherently mean youre one gender or another. your gender is defined by you and only you and nobody should be able to put you into a box and define your gender for you.

..having said all this, im starting to explore my gender further, and im slowly coming to the POSSIBLE conclusion that i might come back around to being cis (albeit gnc). nothing would really change about me except the label tbh. if i do end up coming to that conclusion i will be very bummed about leaving the trans community, but i wont feel any less attached to it, as ive spent literally half my life as part of it. i understand what its like to be trans and to love myself as my most authentic self, and thats why im considering this possiblity!

identifying as a lesbian kind of pushed me in this direction as well--i cant remember the last time i felt truly comfortable and happy with a label regarding my orientation.. like ya damn. maybe i am a girl who likes girls LOL. it just feels right and natural for me personally??? its crazy. i love women. if youre a woman i love you no matter the flavor. i love my wife more than all of you though sorry <3

but god please dont take this as me being like "oh trans people just need to get comfortable with their gender and theyll realize theyre cis" that is a bullshit take and i am not saying that. this is strictly my own experience and journey! i am 100% not speaking for every trans person and you shouldnt either.

but ya. dan cis era???? we'll see. no official statement just yet but i just wanted to let yall know where im at in my ~gender journey~. until i confirm anything please still view me as a nonbinary girlthing! <3

[qwimchii]

If you do- how do you imagine the reader in smashing pumpkin? Like how do they look like to you? If that makes sense 😭

trigger warning - mentions of sexual assault and androphobia

omg so i typed this whole FLIPPING THING AND TUMBLR WAS SFUPID AND DELETED IT ALL AAHHHHHH but it’s okay i can type it again <3

reader is ofc always a self insert (not myself but just in general for most readers lmfao) but beyond appearances i think that reader would be more “tomboyish” (in personality/nature and physical self portrayal) bc of her experiences with sexual trauma and androphobia which can really detach oneself from feminity. of course, that is not the case for all female survivors of sexual assault. coping with something as traumatizing as that can manifest in many forms.

like idk why but reader wears leather jackets—a black vintage worn leather jacket and she drives a beat up toyota sedan.

natural hair, natural makeup or no makeup, and yeah. maybe a bit androgynous looking too, i feel like simon would be into that LMFAO (i honestly feel like he’s into anything tho he definitely gives me pan vibes)

oh and even tho reader may be “tomboyish” i def imagine her to wear a lot of shortish dresses. i always imagine her in a little white dress with blue flowers and a white cardigan and ballet flats with a little crossbody bag. IDK WHY I JUST DO and also she’ll often wear a dress with a leather jacket and yeah. it’s lowkey giving 2014 twee but likeee i feel like reader doesn’t have much time to care about fashion 😭

she runs the auto repair shop that she inherited with her brothers, so she’s always a little too tired, too overworked, and greasy from the repair shop. chugging down a cup of coffee before a group meeting, she’ll be in such a rush that she won’t even notice the swab of grease on her cheek which she turns up at the meeting. simon does though and he thinks it’s adorable.

he’ll point it out and reader will get soooo embarassed like “omg i hate this man he’s so annoying i cant stand him—“

after she wipes it away, simon’ll say she didn’t get it all off (he’s lying) and brush his fingers over her cheek just to see the way she blushes so prettily and puffs up in anger <3

lmfao they’re a sorry excuse for enemies.

anyways i hope that helps anon >< !! 💞 thank you for asking :))

if you’re comfortable with it, i’d love to see what you guys think reader looks like in the comments. or messaging me directly works too!! 😮

[tojisun]

i dress androgynously and so i told my friend that i dont think toji would actually like me and she goes “babe, mamaguro was rocking a sweater and toji had her plastered in his memories. you’re good.” and thats so!!!!

now i ​cant help imagining you and toji inadvertently matching outfits on a date 😭

like he picks you up or whatever and you’re both wearing a similar sweater from the same collection, and he’s like, “damn you wore it better than me.”

or or toji asking you for clothing advice because he loves your style, i dunno.

he’s all like, “which top looks better babe?” and he’s obviously flexing which makes you roll your eyes fondly before telling him which to wear. sometimes, though, you end up wearing the better option because you really like that one and toji can tell so he’d throw it to you and tell you to change before you two are late for your lunch.

“y’sure?” you ask while you’re sliding the top on, not bothered by the way toji’s eyeing you so intensely (you did it to him just minutes ago anyway).

he grunts. “‘course. i love seeing you in my clothes.”

toji smirks, wide and boyishly charming, at you as you smack his shoulders, embarrassed and giddy. of course he ruffles your hair because he can’t help how adorable you are, and you glare up at him for messing up your hair.

“mm, my cutie pie,” toji says, unbothered.

“yeah, yeah,” you say, feigning nonchalance. “let’s go already before our reservation’s revoked.”

but yea!! matching fits with toji is so <333

[smilesession]

ur not a man ur just a woman with enough autism to not feel like shes doing womanhood correctly

i'm going to level with you because you're invested enough to have sent this

i have spent the last five years solidly living under the paradigm youre suggesting. and before that, i had spent an additional five years actively compromising with a nonbinary identity, ten years of "it's ok, i don't really care you can call me 'she', it doesn't bother me, i know i look like a woman and i don't want to make it complicated for people, my identity's really just an internal thing and not something i'm worried about other people acknowledging" and so on. but before that i was, momentarily, an incredibly self-confident and assured transgender young man. ten years ago i was exploring transition. i was tall, androgynous, and young enough to have had the experience of passing as male, which i vividly remember the feeling of. it was only my parents bringing the hammer down, shaming me, telling me i could dress however i wished but they'd never refer to me as a different name or consider me their son that made me spend the next decade considering it futile. so i reversed course entirely, leading to this moment, and what you've come to me on this day to repeat to me thinking youre doing a service for women

i dont owe proof and i dont want to rely too heavily on medicalizing it, but if everything i felt was just the social phenomenon and a result of my experiences as an autistic woman, why do i remember being a young child who had not even lived long enough to have formative social experiences yet, whose parents raised me pretty gender-neutrally, ten years prior to an autism diagnosis, wonder when i'd "grow into my boy's body"? i have had thoughts and experiences that i would largely prefer to keep private that completely defy the reasoning that i'm just a confused sperg who just couldnt hack it as a woman in this crazy mixed up world. if i could simplify it to what youve just said, i would. i tried.

if radfem jesus comes down from heaven and reveals that i was truly and ontologically a woman with autism, defying my sex and so on all along, then I'm Sorry Women. but until that day comes i can promise you that i feel secure in my current decision of addressing the fact that living with the idea that "i'm just an autistic woman who feels i cant perform womanhood correctly" has been enormously damaging. instead of beating my head into that wall for the rest of my life i have considered changing course and trying out a different way of living, acknowledging that i've experienced dyed in the wool gender dysphoria since i gained consciousness. and i have as much of a right to acknowledge my autonomy as anyone else, that i have as much of a right to choose my own outcomes as anyone else, and in the process of doing so i find healing for a slew of personal handicaps that stretch far beyond the matter at hand, then so be it. do not politicize my ass

[hellokittyballsack]

WAIT. DO U ALSO HC DRIX AS TRANSFEM. OR AM I. LOSING MY MIND.

I DO IN A WAY ? ITS COMPLEX SORRY

i dont like labels but i do refer to drix as she/her because i see her motherly love and gentle soul that she carries around on her sleeve. i love her sm... ARGHH also i love ur pfp

(im gonna use this opportunity to rant about labels since i was looking for an opportunity to share this somewhere NOT MAD AT U OR ANYTHING LOL TLDR: hairy balding cis men are beautiful women the way they are ♥️ masculinity can be feminine vice versa if you let it be🖖)

you can skip blue text and just read the green part, blue's more of a personal experience laadeedaa!!

🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻

with a lot of my fav cis male characters i tend to slowly start calling them she/her the more i love them, dont really know why but i think thats just me projecting since im a trans man so i cant really enjoy femininity authentically, yknow? (or the way i want to) ide get misgendered since the body i was born with is "female" or "feminine". 🍅 🍅 🍅

plus im almost certain if i was somehow flipped and born a cis man ide still end up transitioning(not medically but thats a personal thing) and then yearning for masculinity, simply because i hate how these bodies limit the perception people have of me. i want to be my own person, identify as me first, not to have my label define me or my identity for that matter bc identity is SO much more complex than just one word.

its like Ying Yang but sadly i cant ever be a true neutral because that would mean dressing androgynous which i cant do because me, dressing androgynous, would just be a boyish girl. and me dressing masculine would get the results of "being seen as androgynous" because of how my body is naturally. but is that fair at all? so the only thing i can do to be seen as masculine is to medically change my body? ☹️

and i dont want to be seen as androgynous either at all, i love my male identity, dont love what comes with it but love it. and want to be perceived as masculine, ..but being androgynous is the only way you can build up your identity on your own without someone viewing you with a gender filter on their glasses.(sorry for the shit metaphor) and after people find out whats in your pants they will immediately talk to you differently and that SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! if i want to put on a dress that doesnt make me a woman or a feminine man, let me enjoy this dress, masculine-ly ‼️‼️🤲 PLEASE

🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻

(⚠️this isnt relative to the asked question as explained prior, use labels all you want guys but know its okay if someone doesnt use labels ect ect. just explaining the jist here quickly⚠️) sometimes people use labels to put others into boxes and focus on "whats womanly" / "whats manly" --- so its difficult to have people respect your identity while "breaking the rules" (their rules) of said identity. aswell as people focusing on the physical. (body and such) rather than finding beauty in feminine and masculine features you have without that lowering your validity of said identity. this being said that usually happens in heteronormative spaces BUT it occasionally slips in into the lgbtq community.

masculinity can be femininity vice versa, its not just black and white 🫂 body hair can be both for example, even in "masculine" areas, it still can be feminine. and that should go for any body part, clothes, action, interest or anything for that matter ♥️♥️

🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻

like with peter strahm from Saw (aswell as mark hoffman) thru months of writing scenarios between them and my brainrot i now see them as the most beautifully gorgeous women and that includes all their hairy appendages. that doesnt necessarily mean i headcanon them as transfem, i see their "male" bodies to be the peak of feminine beauty, as well as their masculinity. i mean that i dont "genderbend" them and turn them into cis women, and i dont add or take away from the original character, longer hair or a sudden change of clothes, or trans scars even though im trans myself and will probably end up with such scars (in a perfect world i would be seen as male with or without boobs) theyre perfect the way they are and i love them dearly oh so much 🫂🫂🫂🫂....(not saying its bad to do any of that, live your truth) i may draw them wearing dresses or lipstick time to time but thats not what defines their identity as women, who says theyre 100% only women either fuck it lets go full genderqueer!! theyll never be cis women yes, but thats not what my goal is at all. trans love everybody ♥️ transexual pride!! ♥️♥️(and even if you dont identify as trans but still arent cis ♥️♥️youre valid however you feel, whenever ⭐) But that doesnt mean i headcanon them as trans also, theyre them, and i want to see them shine, not being shadowed by a label or limited by one, that goes for Drix too. that doesnt mean im against such label, though theres really no way of explaining without it SOUNDING like i am, go fuckall with your headcanons imagination is free!!!! just labels arent for me AND THATS OKAY

theyre all my girls who are boys who are girls MUAH 💋

[big-greer]

I know i dont usually post stuff like this, for the longest time if you had asked me what my gender was id say i was a regular guy..but in truth i say that but i never really felt like i "Fit" with the term guy. Like in my brain whenever i think of myself i never really think specifically about being a male. Before i just assumed "oh its cause i am one, obviously i wouldnt consciously think of that. its sort of a given" but looking back that clearly wasnt the case, always joked how i barely counted as a guy and most people either would laugh like its a joke but a few days ago a coworker asked why..and i sort of froze up cause i had never really stopped and asked myself why? Like i knew i didnt act like a normal guy, i didnt think like one, i never had that attachment to the title of being male. so i always felt this disconnect from manhood, and even when my father tried to teach me to be a man it always felt like i was just an outsider looking in and learning a lesson through a window or something. he tried all kinds of stuff you would expect a "manly" guy to know, hell he even taught me how to track through a forest (would cut notches in trees and we walked from the top of a mountain to the bottom and had me lead us back following the marks he made. yeah dad take your like 14 year old to the fucking bottom of a mountain and make me track cut marks like some legendary hunter lol). and he would always explain what manhood was and i just....it never connected to me you know? i always chocked that up to the fact my dad was never really around (after he and ma divorced he sorta slowly dissapeared from my life till he was dead one day) and so i figured i wasnt like a regular guy cause i was raised by like, 95% woman only so i thought that might be why? but as ive come to realize it isnt that and ive just never really vibed with the idea of being just a guy, its never clicked for me.

Now dont get me wrong, the idea of using she/her pronouns actually is uncomftorable to me so now i feel like im sort of just floating here? in between gender in my own sort of like...little world and im worried about doing it right. Yeah i know "oh i want to do good at gender which is a logical and reasonable thing that can be done" i know i know. But like, i dont want to wear makeup and dresses and stuff (though nail polish would be nice, perhaps a good black would be cool.) and i feel like i dont particularly want to wear any womans clothing? i like guy clothes, there comfy, fit me nice, and for obvious reasons they are all i got lol. Also i like having my goatee and facial hair so thats also a thing. i just worry that after browsing the nonbinary tag that cause of stuff like this i wouldnt be good at being nonbinary, or that i would do it wrong. OH also that i would still be comfortable with people using he/him pronouns as well as they/them but wouldnt feel comftorable with somebody using she/her ones (perhaps this is just cause he/him pronouns are all ive known my entire life and thats why im more comfy with them). yeah all that makes me worried id be doing nonbinary wrong, which i know is a dumb sentence cause nobody can do gender "wrong" and that its a personal thing that is up to only the person whose gender its about feelings on the situation. but that lingering doubt is still in my mind, that i will be some sort of fraud or not ACTUALLY nonbinary and stuff. cause lord knows alot of tumblr views nonbinary as just "WOMAN 2" and if you arnt some hyper androgynous person you arnt actually nonbinary and i know i know, i shouldnt care what fuckin morons on tumblr say.

But gender stuff is new to me, VERY knew. Lord knows i still have strange feelings towards being ace and sometimes worry im not "ACE" enough to be considered ace. so im def still fighting some internal demons about this stuff. But having good friends around is helping out alot and i cant even imagine how id handle dealing with this sort of stuff alone (cause lord knows what little family i got left wouldnt be the most...supportive) anyway uh, gender is fuckin wild and confusing and stupid and simple and everything and nothing and lord does it give me a headache.

[psychewritesbs]

hi! i didnt have much success when looking through ur blog to see if uve addressed this alrdy so apologies if u have.

i was curious to know ur thoughts on jjk's portrayals of gender, esp women/femininity. if u have particular insight from a psych or philosophy bg, id be interested in hearing that (warning, i have a v feminist critique lens)

ik u love gege's writing 😅 but his handle on female characters/femininity has given me such a difficult relationship w jjk, and its v difficult to have discourse on it. on one hand, we're introduced to sm interesting realistic women, tbh i actually never stanned a woman in manga before jjk. but imo it cant be denied that gege is a sexist writer. despite how realistic jjk women r theyre all .. halfwritten? i cant think of a single one who isnt underwritten, not fully explored, not utilized substantially in the plot, etc. and there r sm ex's of extremely minor male characters in jjk who r given more thematic relevance than frequently recurring women that just underscores that gender gap imo

this isnt solely a gege problem ik but what bothers me in particular about jjk vs other mangas is how gege addresses strength, even in the light of nb/androgynous characters, and how it feels as if gege's def of strength is inherently masculine? even despite going so far as to give us a philosophical battle shonen w diverse reps of gender and emphasizing individuality that encompasses both femme/masc traits

how a reader interprets whether a jjk woman is strong or not is obv subjective. like, i think shoko is strong but shes not depicted as such bc she doesnt have a combative technique whereas yuki maki nobara or mei r depicted as "strong" bc of their battle abilities. but it also feels as if those women r strong bc they take on "masculine" traits/mindsets whereas there r no clear depictions of "femininity" making women or men stronger. even utahime who falls into v classic shoujo girl tropes is seen as weak despite teaching her students v proficientally in battle strategy (mechamaru v mahito is a good ex of that imo), as compared to how gojo teaches his (ie dumping them into missions for experience). but thats not what gege ever chooses to highlight

femininity also doesnt even seem to make men/nb characters stronger. the ex's i can think of r naoya as a vagina (lmao), geto as a mother to curses, yuta as highly attuned to his emotions, kenjaku as yuji's mother -- those r things that support these (mostly) men's strong sense of individuality but like, those arent really the things that lend those characters their "strength", u know? like geges just sprinkling in androgyny for the spice 🧐

what is feminine vs masculine, how an individual embodies those traits in their gender identity r already complex topics. im obv generalizing a lot here, but i just, idk despite how many other nuanced philosophies gege explores, what is strong/desirable in jjk still falls down to all-out fighting abilities/physical prowess, emotional detachment, isolation, extremism, etc -- all things we harp on toxic masculinity for. and even when he critiques that, theres no cogent counter solution/way to be strong that gege provides, much less one that incorporates "femininity" and women

maybe im just asking for too much from gege after having read so many great representations of women and gender by female (and male) mangakas/writers but.. i shouldnt be 🙄 he can utilize his female characters more imo, esp when he can clearly set them up so well. and im sure theres things ive misread about jjk and its portrayal of femininity, theres plenty of holes in my thoughts ^^ anyways, this is obv not a great topic to bring up in a fandom that is so polarized between dudebros and women w unaddressed internalized misogyny.. so i welcome any and all thoughts and interpretations on ur end! (also omg im rlly sorry this got so long)

I love you feminist anon, if I may call you that lol, I just always name my anons 😂. I am so grateful that you sent this.

I feel like you've very eloquently explained the deeper reason as to why I personally can't relate to the female characters in jjk. If I'm honest, I like them and think they are fun and good enough representations or attempts at depicting the archetypes that rule their personalities.

As you say, however, some of them remain rather superficial and underutilized... and please forgive me anyone who loves them, but some of them feel like they are basically dudes wearing skirts.

No offense to dudes who wear skirts or people who like men who wear skirts or anyone for that matter. It's just that, as a personal preference, I like female characters that wear skirts, pants, leggings, etc and have equal amounts of masculine and feminine energy.

So, even if I find they are good enough, I've never necessarily loved jjk female characters, because, as you also say, I've read/seen one too many amazing and iconic female characters by other authors...

And it's not like I think you're asking for too much from Gege in wanting better female characters, it's just that, as you also said, I like his writing and I read jjk precisely because of what it's doing for my masculine psyche. Like... quite literally.

So perhaps I'm more forgiving than you are because of it? Because in all reality, there are female character moments in other manga that I have to give the bombastic side eye to, and jjk isn't one of them.

Let's taco'bout it more under the cut.

So, that said, I have to admit that you might not find a lot of "feminist oriented" content in my blog because my feminist lens is reserved for dealing with lame dudebros in my real life, and also, I honestly do not know how to wear the lens on the same level of depth as you do.

Also, since my blog's lens is depth psych, I very much focus on femininity and masculinity as psychological qualities that exist on opposite ends of a continuum regardless of biological gender. You'll see me refer to femininity and masculinity like this throughout my answer.

So because of this, I'm coming at the whole issue from a slightly different angle than you are. The way I see it, I think the way the jjk female characters are written and thematically utilized (basically everything you said), ultimately comes back to how Gege's exploration of femininity is limited by his own sense of self, and very much likely biased by the sociocultural landscape he grew up in.

I don't know how much you know about Japan, but Japan has one foot in the future, and one foot in the past...

And like... ok I'm totally oversimplifying the whole thing. All I'm saying is... Gege is a man who grew up in a man's world, sharing his view of the world through jjk, which is a story about initiation of the male psyche that is published in a magazine for young boys.

Do you see the pattern there?

So If you feel like his female characters are underutilized and underexplored, and that thematically jjk focuses way too much on masculinity and masculine definitions of strength at the expense of the feminine archetypes he does present (like Naoya as a vagina LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL)... well... to me, we're basically looking at the limits of his own relationship to his femininity, which, this relationship is in turn an imperative precursor for psychospiritual development in depth psych. More of this in a bit.

Anyways, that's my anticlimactic reasoning for why I am more forgiving about the issue than you are. To be honest, I've been so consumed exploring my masculine psyche through jjk (because personally my feminine psyche is more developed in certain aspects) that I just never focus on the female characters (that is not to mention what I shared earlier).

ANYWAYS, I fucking love what you wrote about Gege's exploration on power from a masculine perspective because you're 100% spot on. What I'll say to that is that, to me, from a depth psych perspective, that's kind of the whole point.

I invite you to look at it from this other level of perspective (in addition to the whole "Gege's psych is a product of his upbringing"): the whole idea of individuality and focusing on the sense of self as a measure of "The Strongest" is being shown as an incomplete part of the equation...

... that leaves "the strongest" ultimately feeling dissatisfied.

This is a sentiment echoed by several characters because ego strength (masculine definitions of strength) is ultimately an unbalanced measure of strength precisely because it ignores feminine values and measures of strength.

Who knows where Gege is taking jjk at this point, but I will admit I am hoping he is going to explore this in more depth because, central to Jungian thought and depth psych is the idea of the Buddhist middle path and union of opposites.

In Jungian psych this means that, when you have an unbalanced ego attitude like that, something has to give so that the pendulum swings in the opposite direction, which gives the ego the experiences it needs to integrate the "opposite" attitude. This ultimately results in a more holistic and balanced perspective for the ego.

That to say that I'm wondering if Gege is going to make the pendulum swing in the opposite direction with the whole "individuality" idea since self-preservation is a "masculine" trait. Again, psychologically, it's all about balance, and right now, the story is out of balance in favor of the masculine traits you mention.

But... to bring it back to Gege's possible limitations around his perception of femininity and how developing a healthy relationship to his anima (femininity) is a precursor for psychospiritual development... what if, on a meta level, jjk is depicting part of Gege's journey towards integrating and deepening his relationship to his femininity and what you're seeing is the beginning of that journey?

Hint hint Tsumiki! maybe I'll write about it someday

This is the thing... In depth psychology, more specifically what is called "the psychology of fairy tales", fairy tales and myths are stories that depict the thinking patterns of a peoples through metaphor and symbol. The characters in these myths and stories are thus characters playing out dramas in our own psyches. So basically, think of jjk as an objective exploration of Gege's subjectiveness (psyche).

Admittedly, even if the pendulum swings in the other direction (more feminine definitions of strength), you might find that his exploration is rather shallow or that it falls short of your expectations for what you'd like to see from a feminist perspective. And you wouldn't be wrong for it, it's just that Gege is probably not on the same level of understanding that you have about femininity because he's, like you and I, a human on a journey of self understanding and growth reflecting on how his environment has shaped who he is.

The same goes for women with internalized misogyny. Sometimes you don't know what you don't know, and coming to an understanding of it is a process that doesn't take place overnight.

So I think the only part I'll disagree with is that Gege is a sexist writer. But that's perhaps because I'm being a bit too technical in what sexist means? i.e. masc supremacy or hating women and perpetuating stereotypes. I think that rather than being sexist, his unconscious biases are showing, which is why someone like you can pick them out.

I do understand where you're coming from though, and admittedly perhaps I am being too forgiving of him.

Last thing I'll say is that I've said a couple of times that wanting for jjk to have these iconic female characters feels like an exercise in futility. In retrospect, I now understand that it's not that anyone shouldn't want for jjk to have iconic female characters, but that doesn't change the fact that jjk will probably remain the wrong manga to look for them, and that's something to make peace with because it is what it is.

So, here's to hoping we get a chance to see a deeper representation of feminine values in jjk or Gege's next manga. Because, if he's done such beautiful work with the masculine psyche, like you, I'd be curious to see what he makes of a deeper exploration of the feminine psyche.

Between you and I, I'd actually love reading a proper battle bl from Gege. And I mean proper. Like... gays so canon that even the dudebros can't deny it.

ANYWAYS... giiiiiiiirl what an ask 😮‍💨. I don't think I've done it justice tbh. But hopefully I made sense? I really do love what you wrote. It was very eye opening to see this age-old argument spelled out the way you did it. So thank you again for sharing your thoughts!

If you over have any other thoughts on the topic I look forward to hearing from you!

I rambled too so... hopefully I made sense 🤣.

[bornawoman-dieawoman]

ladies I really need to vent. One of my close friends, a 28 yr old woman, is having a double mastectomy next week to alleviate her dysphoria. And already, I think its sad because she is literally disfiguring her body for the sake of looking more androgynous? SHE DOES NOT IDENTIFY AS TRANS, but does use they/them pronouns...which I am not gonna use for this post lol

But, the real kicker about this and what makes me so disgusted with the medical system, is that my friend has had severe anorexia for YEARS. She has been hospitalized countless times, she has had feeding tubes, she cant walk long distances or pick up heavy things without shaking or fainting, she's got extremely fragile bones and skin, and most of the time I've known her she's been between 20-50 POUNDS underweight.

It is clear she does not have a healthy self perception of herself, but treatment has been getting to her so she's finally at a somewhat low, but normal weight. So her doctors have approved her double mastectomy... She has been telling her psychiatrist and doctor that she's wanted a double mastectomy for ~2years because her breasts make her feel dysphoric....but her being a normal weight also made her feel dysphoric? Is it possible that maybe, the feelings of dysphoria are actually caused by mental health? And cannot actually be eliminated through body modifications? Especially for someone who has demonstrated poor self image for most of their life? Maybe those things are connected?

It just makes me so sad that the system has failed her. And she's going to go through major surgery, that she doesn't need and is not reversable, to alleviate dysphoria that cannot be eliminated through body modifications.

[ravenoclock]

@labyrinthhofmymind

A continuation of updates abt presque vu. Spoilers included. Italics are quotes from the fic itself. I apologize for not updating for a few days, I’ve been a bit busy.

CHAPTER NINE

Sirius is such a girlboss I swear. Androgynous royalty. Him being saying how they love confusion sm and making people confused like GET IT, LOVE. Also James being so supportive and being like ‘is it comfortable and how does it feel, etc’ is so cute. Love them.

The emmary :( idk what’s going on there but I feel so bad for them.

Oh, Remus, please like my knickers, please don't turn them into a joke, please like everything about me, even the things you don't understand, even the things you don't know, even the things I don't either. This is what I am. Please take me as I am.

GAHHHHH.

Also Remus being like ‘I’ll like u in whatever u wear’ is so wholesome.

MARLENE AND SIRIUS’ FRIENDSHIP. BONDING. OVER. A. MOTORBIKE. THATS SO THEM.

"Pretty sure she knows I'm fucking Dorcas," Marlene says, gaze fixed on the wrench. "She hates it. Can you believe that? I kill people and she looks the other way, but I love a woman and she hates me."

That’s rly fucked up. I hate that Marls has to go through stuff like that. Side note, I’m imagining Marlene with her hair short asf and I just died. MARLS THE WOMAN YOU ARE.

Also Peter…poor boy. Ik he chose to betray them and all that but Sirius saying how Peter used to be rly lively and shit and now he’s just… nothing.

SIRIUS MAKING REMUS BLUSH. HE BLUSHED. I SCREAMED.

Today, Sirius is as much a man as he is a woman, both simultaneously, with no words to describe why it's that way, or what it feels like.

Is it weird to say I’m proud of him? Like, a few chapters before she didn’t even know what she was feeling and now they’re more comfortable with it and they’re fine with it. Idk. I just love it.

To Sirius, control is secrecy.

…speechless.

"You're a vision," Sirius croaks, struck stupid by it, by him. "Do you have any idea how lovely you are?"

WOLFSTAR WOLFSTAR WOLFSTAR WOLFSTAR WOLFSTAR I LOVE THEM YOUR HONOR. DHAJAJJSJSJSHSNDKELKWKAJ I CANT.

Sirius still thinking Remus deserves better and that he’s not good enough for Remus actually makes me want to die because THEYRE MADE FOR EACH OTHER. MOLDED FROM THE SAME CLAY. CUT FROM THE SAME CLOTH. IDC WHAT CORNY SHIT I HAVE TO SAY TO PROVE THAT THEY ARE MEANT FOR EACH OTHER AND ITS SUCH A BEAUTIFUL THING AND I LOVE IT.

Someday, he will be silent more often than he is not. Someday, he will be unable to recall his mother's voice. Someday, he will only remember her scream.

FUCK OFF. WHYYYY.

It's unfortunate, really, that so few of them live long past the proof.

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

moving on to….CHAPTER TEENNNNN

HARRY MY BABY IS HEREEEEE AND SIRIUS IS LIKE ‘hmm I kinda understand why my parents hated me now’ lmao? I guess? Idk if I’m supposed to laugh?

Sirius would scamper out of her bedroom and rub her eyes with her fists and, half-asleep with a tiny yawn, she would reach out for her mother's hand and offer to walk with her. She would ask, on the few and far between nights where her mother actually let her small hand slip into hers, if she could give Regulus a hug, or tell him hello. And, occasionally, with a long suffering sigh like it was the end of the world, Walburga would hold Sirius' hand for a beat, then let go, then let Sirius do it.

OH MY FUCKING GOD. OH MY GOD. OH. MY. GOD.

"Merlin, your tears are contagious," Sirius informs Harry with a croaky whisper, not understanding why her eyes are suddenly streaming, why her chest feels like it's caving in.

;-; now I wanna cry. thx.

Harry, apparently, is chaos incarnate.

They love Harry so much they can't shut up about it.

THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO STAY FAMILY. ALL LF THEM. LIKE THIS. FOREVER. COMPLAINING ABT HARRYS CHAOS AND BEING EXHAUSTED FROM TAKING CARE OF HIM, LATCHING ON TO EVERY LITTLE THING HE DID BECAUSE THEY DESERVED IT. FAMILY. THEY WERE EACH OTHERS FAMILY AND THEN THEY WERENT. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY.

But that doesn't stop Sirius from wanting to hold Harry all the time. That doesn't stop her from begging Lily and James to let her come over so she can watch Harry breathe, which is a bit odd, but it's an impulse she can't resist. That doesn't stop her from wanting to feed Harry, or coo at him, or change his nappies and rock him to sleep and gasp in awe when he accidentally manages to grasp his own foot in his fist and fling his baby sock halfway across the room.

I CANT ENJOY THIS WHEN IK ITS A CANON COMPLIANT FIC.

All that is to say, Peter's awkward with Harry usually, unsure how to handle him, scared to hurt him. It's sweet and endearing, but his caution must read wrong to Harry, because he genuinely seems to throw a fit every time Peter tries to have anything to do with him. Maybe they need to bond. They haven't seemed to do that yet.

Harry knows…

Oh my god oh my god oh my god. SIRIUS WAKING UP REMUS CUZ EMMELINE IS HOLDING IS ARM IS HILARIOUS. REMUS BEING LIKE OH YEAH I LOVE YOY. SIRIUS BEING LIKE OH SHIT. WOLFSTAR MY LOVES.

Even lullabies can be lies sometimes.

So….whos paying for my therapy?

Oh my god. Lily laughing her ass off thinking Dumbledore’s lost his mind and James and Sirius being like ‘umm so who’s gonna tell her?’ And Remus agreeing with Lily but looking at Sirius and realizing she’s not fucking around. Sirius being like ‘it doesn’t fucking matter if you think the prophecy is bullshit, they won’t. they’ll come after your baby whether or not this prophecy is real.’ And Lily being like ‘oh shit you motherfucker now WHY would you say that?’

"She gets it now," James weeps, "and somehow that's worse."

Of course. There’s a saying I can’t quite remember for this kind of situation.

Zar’s metaphor for time and growing up… that’s my 10th life gone y’all.

Remus takes one look at him, and the fight doesn't even exist. They don't say they're sorry, and they don't talk about it anymore, and they simply let it fizzle into nothingness until all that's left is the way they hold each other.

…something tells me that’s kinda toxic. But wolfstar and communication don’t work rly well together. I wish they would just talk :(

It's the brightest part of Sirius' life, to be loved by that kid.

Christ on a Stick. I can’t do this today.

Later, Sirius will think about that tradition he heard about, the one that's almost a superstition, where you're not supposed to do anything strenuous or upsetting on New Years, or else you'll be stuck doing it all year following. It's meant for chores, usually, not for going without your best friend.

Jaw dropped. Tears cried. Screams scrumpt.

I feel a headache incoming so that’s all I’m reading for today. I finished chapter 10!!! Apparently there’s some time for me to prepare for what happens in 1981 so I’m very thankful for that but I don’t think I’ll ever be fully ready :( anywho sorry that it’s a bit shorter this time but yeah! those r my thoughts for chapters 9 & 10 of presque vu. Have a great day :)

[sleepcults]

I currently see many posts like your last one on other social media platforms and it makes me incredibly sad but I can also relate. Really fucks me up that we can't be ourselves...

Also your and other posts remind me of the movie I Saw the TV Glow. Don't know if you've heard of it but the main character is in a similar situation

yeah it sucks... i mean honestly i'm more frustrated by the fact that i will never be perceived as myself, like. i dont necessarily dislike the way i look (except the top surgery part and like, my body shape being very feminine, but its a problem i can cope somewhat) and i feel comfortable with myself aesthetically, but sadly i really struggle to let go of the obsession with how other people perceive me so it really bothers me that i cant communicate my queerness at first sight and it always has to be an uncomfortable conversation unless i wanna get she/her-ed into oblivion

hell its not even about the pronouns at all its about knowing i'll never be queer/trans/passing/androgynous/nonbinary enough in most people's eyes to even question their assumption of my gender

also yeah i've heard of i saw the tv glow, i think its even on my watchlist iirc so i'll definitely get around to watching it at some point :)

[justalilpearlie]

I don't ship majormoon or hell even see pearl as trans, but I don't get the hate for trans man pearl x cis gay scott when I've seen ppl do this to other characters in the mcyt fandom even in the traffic life series and everyone loves it.

I think it's because it's a canon gay character and they think you making pearl trans as an "excuse to ship them" even if that was the case, which I think is not, you are still respecting Scott boundaries of not shipping him with women, idk it's just confusing how ppl are fine with it until you bring Scott into the mix.

Also we need more gay/straight ppl shipped with trans characters canon or not

Sorry I saw you get hate on that on the Scott shipping bracket, and as a trans person myself it felt really disrespectful

thank you so much anon yes exactly this 🙏🙏

All the labels I give Pearl are my labels too which is what bugs me the most about this

And I have a high school au thingy where I made her go like.

lesbian -> (straight?) trans man -> bisexual trans man -> gay trans man -> gay bigender -> bisexual? bigender -> what the fuck is going on man aaaaa labels are so hard -> gendervoid verinix and queer!! (But its easier to say ftm/bigender mlm. Still could like women but its so not often that prefers to call himself a gay man 98% of the time)

And guess what? THATS BEEN MORE OR LESS MY QUEER HISTORY SINCE I STARTED QUESTIONING MY IDENTITY!! ONLY DIFFERENCE IS I HAD A GENDERFLUID ERA BETWEEN CIS LESBIAN AND BI TRANS MAN-

My main reason to ship majormoon was because LL scott reminded me of my current partner

I still am not that big of a fan of DL majormoon cause. On the opposite end of the spectrum. DL scott reminds me of a shitty ex of mine.

But either way ofc I cant ignore it cause its a big part of their story! But thats why I tend to focus on spreading positivity about the ship in all its other aspects

If other people get to have fun, project, have headcanons and etc. Why cant I?

Cause I dont give Pearl short hair? Cause i dont change anything abt her design? Cause he still uses she pronouns? He/She slash She/He users also have the She there for a reason.

I dont change anything abt Pearl's design myself and let him present femenine/androgynous and keep the long hair in most of my art is. BECAUSE AGAIN THATS ME!!

I personally dont have body disphoria *most* of the time. I have social disphoria yes. I wanna be treated as a man and I dont want anyone I didn't explicitly allow to to she/her me cause yes Im bigender but i mostly feel like a man. But I have *zero* plans to medically transition.

I love how I look, I love how I dress, I love wearing make up and I love how my voice sounds. I dont personally fw long hair cause that *does* make sme disphoric, but for Pearl I think it fits her. I think he deserves to keep his hair long for as long as she decides to do so.

In general. Let people have their trans headcanons and ship them with whoever they want

a straight cis person dating a straight trans person doesnt make them a gay couple.

a gay/queer cis person dating a gay/queer trans person doesnt make them a straight couple.

Trans men dont owe you masculinity.

Trans women dont owe you femininity.

Nonbinary people dont owe you androgyny.

Transmasc =/= trans man

Transfem =/= trans woman

Pronouns =/= gender

I thought we all mostly knew this but just in case a little reminder

[myheartisonthetrain]

okay so i haven't done the thing yet because i'm scared but i did cut my hair and now i look more androgynous hopefully but the autism in my eyes makes it look dumb it's also 2:30am and i dmasnjfodksp headache i forgot how to post on here and my avoidant self wants to nuke this account and make a new one so nobody knows me but i will try to resist and try not to feel like i am setting a bad example / people are watching me / people are horrendously misinterpreting me and putting little labels on me and containing me in a box BECAUSE and let me tell you this usually i'm so honest on this account i just do my thing and if i say i hate someone i do in that moment and that's fine because it lasts like 2 hours maximum and YOU KNOW THAT okay but if people start to know me or even worse THINK they know me then that's bad because then they think i'm a bad person when i do my thing when really this is a vent account not my main my main is very different hhhjrrrjjhh i am much more responsible there but now i feel like i have to perform here too and that is a curse aaahahhhhhhhhaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhruuuuhhhhjjjjhhhAH sometimes i don't like being alive because i make decisions when i'm alive but then when i die again i think that was so stupid and now i'm dead again CANT YOU SEE AAUUGGH

right shut up noa that was the cringest thing you've said on here it sounded like something you'd email Mj in year 8 to get attention and solace

and my friend OH okay enough ranting actually i have things to tell you 🐼 is planning to run away on monday and 🐻 is freaking out (this has happened before. multiple times) i can't convince her to do anything else but i've just said what i could and told her there is hope and the world is much more than her house (her family's abusive) and tried to calm 🐻 down, i ended up crying because of a mixture of things (that, anticipation of dming my abuser, missing Mj, wondering if 🐸 only likes me because i'm her 'therapist', feeling outcasted, 🐱 is not gay and flirts with me because she does it to everyone as a joke) and also i'm 90% sure ß is not my rs teacher next year so that's bittersweet. i like writing entries like this it helps me keep track of myself. and steve is ghosting me on reddit i think :( which is fine but sad because he's fun and nice