#she was sick for about 2 months. honestly to an extent it's kind of a relief that she's not suffering anymore.

[youremyonlyhope]

.

[jentlemahae]

I hate that antis believe that bp don’t deserve to be tired, sick or injured bcs they don’t think they work enough. first of all this isn’t the overworked olympics and if it was mahae would get EVERY medal. but that doesn’t mean bp aren’t busy and that they don’t deserve to rest

ig the annoying thing about bp is that they truly go back into the dungeon between cbs as they’re working on stuff in private so no one knows what they’re up to. and when they do show up in public it’s at an event which is why antis say “influencers not idols” and “they never do music”. I get that to an extent but they’re in the middle of tour, which started in oct and will end in sept. this tour has more shows that most kpop tours I’ve seen and yg are STILL adding dates. AND in the past few months they had coachella, jisoo made her solo debut, lisa did shoong, jennie has the idol ost and rosie’s been recording music too as well as all the other stuff they’ve been doing. do you really think they have the time to have a group cb rn?

people acting like jennie isn’t allowed to be sick bcs she partied in cannes a few weeks ago bffr. do people not realise she was there to do press bcs that’s part of her job as an actress? like she’s allowed to go to the after party grow up omg. security didn’t think she was gonna be onstage at all today bcs she was throwing up all day but she still gave it a shot with the bandage from the iv still on her arm

bp have been on multiple continents per week for several months now and show no signs of stopping anytime soon. they’ve been sick and visibly in pain many times throughout this whole tour but still pushed on but now it’s got to the point where 2 members have had to miss shows bcs of illness in the space of 1 week. I hope once tour is over they get some well deserved rest

YES !! but also i don’t get antis who make fun of or look down on idols who choose to not attend events and say “uuuh my fave goes on stage no matter what” cause don’t they realize that’s bad….? like im very happy the pinks have the good sense to miss events if they feel unwell (and im also glad yg lets them), instead of forcing themselves to go on stage even though they’re not up for it. that tells me they have a healthier mindset for this kind of things

and yeah, i honestly hope we don’t hear from them for a while after tour bcs they must be so exhausted

[scottfuckingreed]

It’s a Pogue thing - JJ Maybank

NOT REQUESTED

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Warnings!: Swearing, drugs and alcohol, and SMUT!

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“Morning guys!” I beam as the boat comes to a steady stop at the edge of my front garden. It’s almost like a routine. More often than not we sail into an open set of water. Sometimes we fish, mostly we just simply do nothing. Pope extends his hand out to help me onto the boat. It strikes me sometimes that, although we are all the best of friends, it probably seems a strange mix of people to some people. We’re the scraps of the island. The ones who no one really acknowledges. Kiara and I would technically be Kooks. Both of our families have money but it doesn’t really mean shit. Everyone from ‘our end’ are airheads. They care about nothing and no one but themselves. Pope’s parents have worked their asses off, so they’re in a stable place. They don’t understand why Pope hangs with us, and sometimes I wonder the same thing. He has a real chance of getting out of this place. John B and JJ are childhood besties. Their upbringing is similar, except John B’s technically an orphan, and JJ’s father’s a piece of shit. But that’s just pogue life.

“Is your mum still out tonight?” JJ asks, making my head slowly turn towards him. Do I even need to ask? “I mean, yeah-” “Great! We’re throwing a party,” I raise my eyebrows. “Hahahahaha, definitely not.” The last time I had a party with these idiots, so much shit broke in my house. I’m not getting grounded again. “Come on Y/N! It’s summer. We could all use a party!” I roll my eyes at his words. I open my mouth to shut him down but John B lets out a cough. “Actually, Y/N, I agree.” Kiara looks just as confused as I do. His father’s been missing for almost a year. Recently he’s been looking more in depth, which I support to a certain extent, but it’s at on overload right now. I’m surprised a party would even be on his radar. “I need to talk to Sarah Cameron.”

Sarah Cameron. She’s like Kook royalty. I don’t think she’s too bad. A bit sheltered maybe, but her and Kiara have a history. So you can imagine the change in look on her face as he mentions her name. “She mentioned something that might help me figure out what’s happened with my father. Do you think she’d come?” Okay that makes sense. Ki’s face doesn’t change, and the rest of us just glance between each other. “I mean, probably... but I don’t really wanna hang-” “I just need to talk to her, then you can call the party off,” a smile - too shiny and wide - spreads across his face. John B’s always had this affect on people. He gets exactly what he wants.

As soon as I get home I scan my house. Anything fragile, valuable, or anything of the sort needs to be hidden. Vases, mini statues, ashtrays from holidays abroad. Things that make this house a home will be locked in an upstairs bedroom. I’d like to live this life a little longer.

So here I am; picking an outfit for a party I don’t wanna go to. A party that I’m apparently hosting! Since I’m not dressing for anybody, I go for a simple short black dress. It really resembles my mood. Almost as soon as I put it on, I hear my front door shut. I jog down the stairs, adjusting my boobs into their rightful positions to come face to face with my intruder.

“You should really announce yourself or something. I thought I was gonna get murdered,” in front of me stands JJ. His outfit consists of a pair of lovely beige shorts and a colourful shirt; left open to show off that torso of course. “I could kill you,” he flirts. His eyes immediately go to my cleavage. This is nothing new. I think he’d fuck a table if it gave him the right vibe. “Hey!” I snap my fingers at him. “My eyes are up here you know.” Before I go to kick him, he makes a very boyish comment of how I look sexy and whatnot. He wanders away into the kitchen, probably to raid my fridge before the party. Let’s get this over with.

More and more people start to gather in my house. In the Outer Banks, everyone kind of knows everybody. I don’t actually know all these people, but I’ve seen them around. I close my eyes for a second, before pouring a drink for myself into a classic red cup. “Are you okay?” Ki nudges me with a smile. Ki and I are very similar people. She probably doesn’t wanna be here either. She could leave, but I know she won’t. “I just realised I’m the host, and I don’t wanna be here,” I laugh it off and hold my drink up to her. “Cheers!” I add.

After about 2 and a half drinks, I’m really starting to feel this party. The music is average. It’s the ‘for everybody’ kind which means it’s majoritively overplayed and everybody more or less knows it word for word. Despite that, and despite the fact that I didn’t really want this party to happen, I drag Ki into the dance area and boogie with her. Well- I dance, she stares at me with a concerned look on her face. “The trick is you have to pretend you’re having a good time,” I giggle into her ear in a slightly tipsy tone. Although she shakes her head, I can see her trying to contain herself from moving to the music. I take her hand and spin myself into her. Her eyes give me the ‘can I go now’ look. Grunting, I give in. “Fine! Please if you see anyone doing or touching shit they’re not meant to, beat them!” I smile innocently after my words, and she scurries faster than she should. Damn. Am I that bad of a dancer?

Music vibrates the walls. It’s been almost 2 hours since the party started and it’s actually going quite smoothly. John B has asked every 5 seconds if Sarah’s here yet. I shush him with my finger. “I promise I will let you know when I see her. Honestly, you sound a bit obsessed with her...” I chuckle. “Hey!” I poke JJ on the arm. At this point, just call me mother. “Please don’t smoke that in here,” I gesture towards the spliff in his hands. “It’s a party Y/N! Relax!” With that, I snatch it out of his hands. His face grows serious. Confusion fades as I realise it’s not aimed at me. Both JJ’s and John B’s eyes stare at the group entering my house.

First in, Sarah. Like I said, I don’t really have a problem with Sarah. She comes across a bit self centred sometimes. That’s minor.

With her, her boyfriend Topper. Topper’s a dick but I think he’s harmless. He’s honestly a pussy.

And his best friend. Her brother. My ex boyfriend. Rafe.

There’s a saying; dead things should stay buried, or something like that. That relationship should be 6 feet under, but times that by 10. I guess it was a ‘serious’ relationship. It lasted about a year. It was almost perfect at the beginning, that I can’t lie. As both of our families are respected, and very close anyway, it just seemed right. There was no disgust. He was accepted. I was accepted. We did everything a couple should; went on dates, were around each other 24/7, even did weekends away together. And we argued. The thing about Rafe is he’s an over thinker. He’s paranoid. When traits like that mix they can... make a monster. The last time he set his hands on me was about 4 months ago. I’ve avoided him like hell ever since.

“This is why I shouldn’t have a party,” I sigh. My eyes can’t seem to leave that area. It’s strange to see him. I don’t want him here. “Why’s he even here? He does have some balls,” John’s tone sounds somewhat impressed. I’m not. I’m not sure if my body is ready to cry, or laugh, or scream. Finally, I blink my eyes away, and set eyes on my two friends. Before I speak, JJ opens his mouth. “We can kick him out,” he assures me. The slight nudge on my shoulders by each boy is comforting. “It’s fine,” I sigh, taking JJ’s drink out of his hands. As much as I’d love to see Rafe get his ass kicked and thrown out, and I can promise you I would, this is my battle. I can’t avoid him forever. “Fuck,” I whisper, knowing what I’m about to do. I bring JJ’s cup up to my lips and tip the entire contents into my mouth. “Shit Y/N, I wouldn’t-” before he can warn me fully, I swallow. My eyes instantly water. “What the fuck!” I gasp at the disgusting taste. I’m sure a toilet would taste better than that. And yet, that concoction would be easier to digest than the conversation I’m about to have with Rafe.

The walk over felt somewhat unreal. As if, if this was a movie, my passionate walk would be in slow motion. Between the music and my racing heart, my dramatic ‘I am the main character’ strut was complete. If only I wasn’t totally shitting myself. A brave face Y/N. Just fake it.

And then I’m in front of them. Perhaps my slow motion moment wasn’t quite slow enough. It could’ve been everlasting for all I care. “Hey Sarah,” I smile. Her sympathetic smile is warming, but ultimately useless in this situation. I doubt Rafe told her the whole story, but I can imagine she knows too well what he can be like. Maybe he even made something up. I wouldn’t be surprised. She drifts away rather quickly. I don’t know what the deal is with her and John B, but I imagine Topper intends to watch her like a hawk. He’s that type of guy. Topper doesn’t even speak, just stands slightly behind as if he’s one of Rafe’s minions. To be honest that kind of describes him perfectly. I wouldn’t be surprised if Rafe just has him around to lick his ass. When I have to, I finally look at Rafe’s face. “What are you doing here?” I ask. My eyes scan everywhere on his face but his eyes. The thought of doing that makes me uncomfortable. “It’s a party Y/N,” the smirk on his face screams fuckboy. “Plus, I wanted to see you,” he raises his hand to my face, going to tuck a piece of my hair behind my ear. My hand forcefully bats his away, making a loud slap sound; even over the music. “I’ve missed you,” he leans closer so his shouting can quieten a little. My limbs instantly tense at his words. Somehow it makes me feel kind of sick thinking about it... thinking about us. The fact that it was a thing is just... “You need to leave Rafe,” my attempt to sound blunt and assertive is a massive fail. Instead my voice echoed in a wobble, making me sound weak and pathetic. “You don’t mean that, come on-” his hand wraps around my wrist, taking my back to a time I’ve tried desperately hard to forget. I pull my arm away once, but his grip holds too strong. As I go to pull away again, a pair of large hands push against Rafe’s chest. “What the fuck man?!” Topper’s voice erupts from Rafe’s shadow. A henchman fighting his duties. I turn to see JJ, red faced, standing with a threatening stance. “We don’t want no trouble JJ, my girl here is just being a tease,” Rafe’s tone is patronising. “Leave it, JJ,” my right hand gently squeezes his left shoulder. “Let’s get a drink, Topper,” I wanted him to leave, but I watch him walk towards my kitchen. I hate that he’s in my house, but at least he’s away from me. For now.

I fade away. Without full control, my body makes it’s way upstairs. Just to breathe for a second. Almost as soon as I drop my body onto my bed, the door reopens. Startling me, I come face to face with JJ. “Hey,” his voice rings soft. When he closes the door behind him, the music becomes muffled. Peaceful. I press my lips together into a forced smile. “Should I tell everyone to fuck off home?” He gestured towards the door. I shake my head, cracking a smile. “It’s fine. I just needed a minute away from... that,” his arm extends, a red cup at the very end. I screw my face up at the smell. “How do you drink this?” Just from sniffing it, I feel myself getting more and more tipsy. “If you need it, it goes down quite easily-” he pauses as I take it. “Plus I’m really cool and manly so.” “Ah, of course.” A big part of my body (probably my stomach and liver) starts screaming no. I have no idea what alcohol is in this cup. I know it’s a lot. After this cup, I will probably be more or less gone. A micro part of me says fuck it. That’s the part I listen to. The liquid burns down my throat, and yet it strangely goes down quite smoothly compared to the first.

“I am sorry about Rafe,” JJ has taken a seat next to me on my bed. Usually I’d banish people away from my room, but I feel like JJ saved me tonight. He’s a bit of a prick at times, and an absolute idiot, but I trust him. Maybe I trust him too much. “It was gonna happen at some point,” I shrug. “He’s such a pussy,” when I start laughing at JJ’s words, I realise that the alcohol may have sunk in. A hiccup escapes my mouth. “Fuck.” I whisper to myself as my smile fades. I’m an idiot to have ever gotten with him. Young and dumb maybe. “Hey...” JJ rests his hand on my knee and squeezes gently. My body, in my tipsy state, reacts to this motion is a strange way. Why did that just give me butterflies? He’s only comforting me. My eyes drift up to look at him properly. Is he... leaning in?

I stand up before he gets close. I rub my eyes frantically. Maybe I’m about to wake up from a nap or something. “I’m sorry... I just...” I breathe. The crazy thing is, I felt it too. My body is reacting in crazy ways right now. I think I’m turned on? By JJ? That’s something I never thought I’d say. I mean... he’s hot. I’m not blind. I guess I’ve never looked at him like that. But I am now. I’m looking at the blonde hair, and the jawline, and the smile. Okay, that’s enough. I’m just in shock of seeing Rafe again. That’s it: “Pogue on Pogue isnt allowed,” I state, mainly to myself. I need massively convincing right now. I need JJ to tell me that I got the wrong idea. Tell me it’s disgusting and I’m too much like a sister. We’re meant to be family. Come on Y/N! That’s gross! Before he says anything, he shrugs. That damn fucking shrug. In my state of mind, it’s attractive. “I don’t really care,” that’s it. I’m convinced. I needed him to say something else, but that’s ultimately the answer I hoped for. “Me neither.”

I practically jump onto him, straddling him and crashing my lips onto his. The softness, yet passion, against my lips is something I’m not sure I’ve ever felt. This should feel wrong. Only, as JJ’s hands smooth up and down my body before sitting on my waist, it couldn’t feel more right. Without a second thought, I glide my tongue into his mouth. I can sense it takes him by surprise. The most attractive moan escapes him, which I can imagine was not intentional. The kiss proceeds to get more and more intimate. Somehow we just move in sync. He slowly lays back, our lips not separating once before he’s fully beneath me. Maybe JJ was previously holding back, but a rush of ‘horny teenage boy’ suddenly rushes over him. Both hands go to my ass. As much as I don’t want to fall apart under his touch so fast, the immense pleasure radiates through my body. I break away from his kiss slightly and moan massively into his mouth.

We stop kissing for a second. Our heavy breaths bounce against each other. It’s a strange moment to be in. Was this always bound to happen at some point? “Should we stop?” Confusion hits as he speaks those words, and yet he proceeds to trail kisses down my neck. I push his head down onto the pillow with my right hand cupping his chin, bringing my face close enough to his that our noses are pretty much touching. “Do you want to?” I simple ask. I’d be almost offended by his words, but only if his hands weren’t grinding me down onto his crotch. Perhaps it’s a guilty conscience. We are both massively likely to regret this in the morning. We are also likely to get caught and get grief from our small circle of friends. They are good enough reasons to stop. They are good enough reasons for this to have never started to happen in the first place. They just don’t amount to one thing, and that’s that I want this right now. His head begins to move side to side. I can’t help but begin to smile massively. “Then shut up and fuck me.”

It was as if that was a jump start. JJ’s manly hands flip us over immediately. I let out a giggle as he begins to undo his shorts. The speed of the removal of both his shorts and boxers was impressive. They get thrown wherever they go. My eyes quickly glance at his penis, before looking back up to his eyes. I suck in my bottom lip before pulling him back down to kiss me again. This shouldn’t be this easy. His tongue slides back into my mouth, battling with mine for dominance, all too easily. I’m not even a little bit nervous... until I feel his fingertips glide up under my dress. He hooks his finger under the waist band of my thong and does nothing for too long. It might’ve only been seconds, but those seconds were some of the longest seconds of my life. He pulls them off ever so slowly. I was becoming a literal puddling mess beneath him.

He knows what he’s doing. He knows he has me wrapped around his finger right now. His tongue plays against mine skillfully; slow and passionate. He’s doing everything right. Once my underwear finally reaches my feet, I just can’t hold it back anymore. “Are you done teasing me now?” I practically beg. I’m soaked, a mess, and almost fully sober. If anything, I wanted this more now than I did when we started. My heart continues racing, but I stay composed and reach over into my bedside table. I rip it open. I simply hold his shaft with two fingers. JJ takes a deep breath in. Fuck. He watches my hand roll the condom down with his mouth slightly open. “Time to break some Pogue rules,” he whispers before lining himself up. I should not be this ready for this.

Even with just the tip, I could’ve come apart then and there. I haven’t had sex in months. Whether you believe me or not, I had not imagined it would to be JJ Maybank who I was going to break my ‘no boys’ commitment to myself with. When he begins inserting himself inside me, I realise this is actually happening. The slow, easy slide in had me in pieces. I was already moaning and he wasn’t even moving properly yet. He stops. “This-” I pause to steady my breath. My entire being is, dare I say it, excited. “This has to stay between us,” I compose myself. Although this is a one time thing, it has potential to ruin a hell of a lot. So, even as I wrap my legs around his body, we have to make this promise. “Scouts honour.” He brings his pinky up to me. Kissing the backs of our hands, it was sealed.

He starts pulling out slowly, making my jaw gradually open wider and wider. He pauses before pushing back in. His eyes lock with mine, and he smiles cheekily. I’m not certain what that smile means, but I can sure take a guess. There is a part of me that wants to stop. Nothing’s really happened yet. But no part of me actually wants to. When he pushes himself back inside me, my fingers spread into his hair. His lips land back on mine, my tongue swirls around his like it’s an everyday activity. I pull gently on his hair as he begins steadying a pace. “Shit,” I moan against his lips.

Fingertips glide across my thigh, tracing patterns and sending my stomach into spirals. I couldn’t hook my legs around him tighter if I tried. The wave of tremendous pleasure of each thrust was like a drug. Every time his body collided with mine I wanted more. I needed more. To feel this, in this moment, with JJ was wrong. So why doesn’t it feel that way? His lips leave mine slowly, tracing kisses across my cheek until his lips land near my ear. “You feel so fucking good,” the vibrations of a deep husky moan forces a moan out of me. His teeth latch around my ear lobe, sucking down before moving down to my neck.

The friskiness of JJ’s lips and tongue is like motivation. With strength I didn’t know I had, and confidence in myself I thought I’d lost, I push against JJ and flip us over. Lust fills his eyes. I just sit there, only for a second, actually liking the way JJ is looking at me. Yes, it’s because I’m straddling him half naked. It’s still nice. His hands squeeze the tops of both of my thighs as well as moving up to my hips... then my ass. It was as if he pressed fast forwards.

I move my body up to start thrusting onto him again, with his helping hands guiding back down. “Fuck JJ,” I moan, leaning forwards to bring my face close to his. My moans become more and more prominent between our kisses. The hands, that remain on my ass cheeks, remain strong and steady. The way he still controlled my body, even though I was on top, was such a turn on. I reach for the headboard. If there wasn’t a party going on downstairs I think everyone would be hearing us loud and clear. The bed starts making a rather persistent squeaking noise. I let out a laugh-moan when the headboards makes a ‘one time’ bang against the wall. I could tell, with the way I was grinding myself down onto him, he was close. What a relief!

“I’m so close,” I moan against his lips in a muffled whisper. Although my body grew tired, JJ continues helping my body thrust up and down. The knot in my stomach started to tighten. My heart rate increases quite a bit. “Fuck Y/N, you feel so good around me!” His fingers grow stronger against my hips as he came closer and closer to finishing. Even with his grip being quite forceful, all I could feel was an astonishing amount of pleasure flushing through my body. The release felt like a long time coming. Once I started to let go around him, it only took seconds for JJ to reach his climax too. With his help, we ride out our highs. I grow slower and slower, until both of our climaxes finished. My heart is racing. I lift my body with the last piece of energy I had. My sensitive core flinches as he pulls out from me once more. Collapsing onto him, I fall into the crevice on his arm all too well. “Shit,” I mumble. I don’t think it’ll actually sink in until tomorrow. I’m too scared to punch myself in case I don’t wake up. “That was... uh...” he doesn’t even need to finish his sentence. “I know.”

The next morning

I wake up in a strange yet awfully familiar place. The walls, the blanket, and the view outside my window are all home. The curtains weren’t drawn last night. When I roll over, there’s something that shouldn’t be familiar. I set eyes on a naked JJ sleeping soundly next to me. My eyes widen. I can’t help but sit up drastically fast. I first find my thong. As quietly as I can, I open a drawer beside my bed and rummage for a t shirt. I find one and put it on, only to turn and see JJ’s eyes staring my way.

“Morning sunshine,” he smirks. His bed hair sticks up in every direction. I notice his boxers across the room so I stand and throw them his way. I watch as his face changes, but the proud smirk on his face remains. “We fucked last night,” he chuckles, standing to put his boxers on. I press my top and bottom lips together. “Don’t look too impressed with yourself,” using the hairband around my wrist, I quickly whip my hair up into a ponytail. My legs make their way to stand next to the boy. “It was better than I’d imagined it,” he adds. I backhand him on the arm. “Hey!” His eyes are warming. This is when I realise that I don’t regret it. At least, not half as much as I thought I would. It’s not even awkward. Part of me automatically assumed it would be. “Right,” I clap my hands together. “Are you ready to clean a house?” I ask. His rolling eyes scream loudly. Before he can even protest, I butt in. “This is your party, your mess. You’re lucky I’m gonna help you!”

With each step down the stairs, more of my messy house is revealed to me. “If anything’s broken, you’re replacing it,” I warn him. Red cups, empty beer bottles, even clothing was scattered across the floor. I start imagining the way people probably started behaving when JJ and I went upstairs. What if people fucked on... well... anywhere?! “I think we should just go back upstairs,” JJ suggests. This is going to take so long to clean. I feel JJ’s hand slap against my ass. “It’s never happening again,” I say simply. Yes, it was pretty amazing. No, I do not regret it. No, it should never happen again because our friends will kill us. “Whatever you say babe.”

Click here if you’re interested in reading PART TWO

[tbtssstuff]

Back In Time || myg 2

+RE-POST+

Summary: While helping your boyfriend research his ancestry you find a very old looking book. Curiosity gets the best of you and you open it, a flash of light sucks you into a world you’d never seen before. Now with a man who looks exactly like your boyfriend you have to find a way home.

Pairing: Yoongi x Reader

Genre: Time Traveler!au,Angst,Fluff

Word Count: 1.5k

Masterlist

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6

AN: Chapter 2 bby! Sorry the word count is a lot shorter on this one, but I thought it was a good place to end the chapter. I’m working on Chapter 3 now.

-TJ/ TacoAdmin 🌮

Time seemed to slow down as you met Yoongi’s eyes. They went from shock, to recognition, to irritation, and then he avoided you gaze all together, opting to rake them all over your body.

Before you could even get a word out, Yoongi quickly turned and slammed the door shut, though you definitely saw his cheeks turn the lightest shade of pink.

You wanted to feel embarrassed and you should have, but all you were feeling were the butterflies in your stomach and a small sense of pride knowing that no matter what Yoongi you encountered, he was still the same.

What? No you shouldn’t be thinking that! That man may look and share the same name as Yoongi, but he isn’t your Yoongi. You really didn’t know who he was.

Quickly you put on the new shirt and pants and opened the door, not really surprised when all eyes were on you. Taehyung was smirking, obvious that he had seen you, while Hoseok and Yoongi were talking. Well Hoseok was talking while Yoongi seemed to brood quietly, glaring at him.

“Jungkook said she needed help and I think we should help her.”

“Who died and made you ruler?”

“Yoongi come on, have some kind of compassion.”

“We are trying to take down a tyrant, Hoseok, not babysit some kid.”

Well that hurt. They did realize you could hear them right? Yoongi and Hoseok seemed to have another silent mind conversation before Yoongi sighed and turned to you.

The two of you just stared at each other. No words were exchanged and after five minutes of that it was getting really awkward, but it seemed like he was waiting for you to speak first.

What were you supposed to say?

‘Oh hey guys! My name is Y/n and while at the library with my boyfriend, who just so happens to share the same name and look like your boss, I was sucked into a book and seemed to have been thrown into either an alternate universe or back in time! Will you help me return? Oh and I have no idea how TO return.’

Yeah like that would make a lot of sense, they would definitely throw you in some kind of loony bin.

You opened your mouth, but Yoongi was quick to cut you off.

“Wait, are those my clothes?” Yoongi shot another glare at Hoseok, then made his way over to you, grabbing the sleeve of the jacket.

Now that Yoongi was up close you could see that he was identical to your Yoongi back home. This whole thing was crazy.

“Well yeah they are yours.” Hoseok rolled his eye before making his way over to you and Yoongi, not so nicely yanking Yoongi’s hand off the jacket, “Your clothes are the only ones that would actually fit her without swallowing her whole.”

“What about Yoona’s?”

“When have you ever known her to share her clothes? Plus...” Hoseok paused and looked between you and Yoongi. It was obvious he wanted to say something, but didn’t want to offend either you or Yoongi.

“Plus what?” Yoongi growled.

Hoseok licked his lips and thought for only a second before deciding that not saying it was a lot worse than saying it.

“It’s just that Yoona and her have different...” He paused again and part of you really wished he would just spit it out already. “Different attributes if you know what I mean. She wouldn’t be able to fit into her clothes.”

Attributes? What was he talking about?

You glanced over to where Yoona was standing, only to find she was already looking in your direction, angry eyes shifting from you to Yoongi’s hand, which one of itself made you upset. What gave her the right to glare at you like you were some woman trying to steal her man? Rude.

But then you saw just what Hoseok was talking about. Yoona was curvy and filled out very nicely.

You looked down at your own body, which you couldn’t really see to its full extent because of Yoongi’s shirt and pants, and felt a little self conscious.

Yeah you weren’t the curviest woman out there and you were usually very confident with your looks, but with Yoona looking at Yoongi how you usually do made your stomach twist.

Yoongi nodded and looked over to Yoona as well, eyes softening when he saw the harshness of her stair. That look made your stomach twist even further. You knew that look all too well.

It was how your Yoongi looks at you. As if you were his entire world and he would do anything for you.

You felt sick.

Of course it made sense for Yoongi to have fallen in love with another person in a world that you didn’t exist in. So why did a small part of you hope that, until he found this world's version of you, he would have waited?

That was stupid.

You felt stupid.

And a little woozy.

The room started spinning around you and before you knew it you fell to the ground, black surrounding your sight. The last thing you heard was Hoseok yell and you felt strong arms catch you before completely knocking out.

Yoongi was distracted trying to calm Yoona down, but when he heard Hoseok yell and saw you start to fall out of the corner of his eye, he was quick to respond, quickly spinning around to catch you in his arms.

“What happened?!” Taehyung rushed over to get a closer look.

Yoongi shrugged. He really didn’t know what happened, but he was getting kind of worried and didn’t know why. He didn’t know this girl and she seemed to be following him everywhere, which in of itself was annoying. So why when she fainted Yoongi felt the sudden urge to protect her?

Hoseok moved towards them, probably to take you from Yoongi’s arms and get you proper care, but Yoongi had beat him to it, hooking his arms under your legs and picking you up, holding you close to his chest. Without saying a word, Yoongi turned and went back into his room.

He placed you gently on the bed. Almost as if he was too rough he would break you somehow. 

You seemed so fragile right now and he didn’t know what to do or how to deal with this feeling in the back of his mind. Yoongi took one of the thinner blankets, knowing it was scorching hot now, but when night came it would be freezing, and covered your sleeping form.

He reached out to move your hair out of your face.

“Yoongi.”

Yoongi froze.

Yoona leaned against the door frame, arms crossed, with a harsh look on her face. Yoongi knew she got jealous easily and honestly it was the worst part of being with her, not that he had much of a choice to begin with.

Yoona’s father had recruited Yoongi months back. He knew that Yoongi was the king’s twin brother and was the rightful heir to the throne, but was casted out when he and his brother got into a heated battle and marked one another.

Yoona’s father knew Yoongi had the brain and the drive to take the king down.

But sadly he was not.

Her father was caught attempting to sneak into the palace late one night and was beheaded in front of everyone. The king said he was ‘using this as a warning to those who oppose him’ but Yoongi knew better. His brother was blood thirsty and there was never enough to satisfy him.

Left all alone, Yoona found comfort in Yoongi and he felt that he couldn’t abandon her too. Not after what her father did for him and the cause he died for.

Yoongi stepped away from you, tucking his hand in his jacket pockets, rolling his eyes as he made his way past Yoona and into the main room only to find everyone had left.

“I’m shocked at the level of kindness you are giving her. You are only ever that nice to me and I have to force it out of you.” He could hear the pout in Yoona’s voice. It was a tactic she used when she was upset with him, knowing he hated it when she pouted and moped around, and she was trying to get his attention.

Yoongi shrugged, making his way over to the operation table, eyeing it wearily. He knew the time to attack was soon and he really couldn’t afford to be distracted.

Not by Yoona and certainly not by the girl asleep in his room.

His mind wandered back to you. How smooth your skin looked, how lost you looked, how good you smelled when you were close to him, and just how good you looked in his clothes. It was almost like they were meant for you to wear.

It also pissed him off how distracted you made him and he didn’t even know your name!

Arms wrapped around Yoongi’s waist, a body pressed to his back and for a moment he thought it was you, but was quickly proven wrong.

Yoona kissed his shoulder before resting her face on his back.

“You still love me right?” She asked.

No.

“Of course I do.” Yoongi answered back.

Tag List @mizz-kraziii​ @queen-of--roses​ @ugly-wall-flower​ @flowersgirl02​ @sunshine-procrastinate​ @dulcaet​ @yoongiwillforgiveme​ @multifandomfantasychild​ @midaribaby​ @missingin4ction​ @gabbien @angiexyoung​

[alternateafterthought]

Golden Time - Part 17

> Pairing: Hybrid Jeon Jungkook x Reader

> Summary: Y/N has been rescuing and recovering hybrids her entire life. Now she has inherited her grandparent’s hybrid sanctuary. It was a normal rescue, get the hybrid, recover him and give him a choice, stay on the sanctuary or find a life for himself. Why was this one so different?

> Genre: Hybrid!au, romance, smut, angst, fluff

> Warnings: Nipple play, multiple orgasms, minor biting, dirty talk, oral (male and female receiving), fingering, handjob

> Word Count: 4084

> A/N: Hey guys... here it is,,, the final part of my Jungkook hybrid fic!! I would really like to thank everyone for reading it! I also want to thank you for supporting it and liking it!! I should give a special shout out to @ariana-winchester95 and @haven-raven012591 especially for being beta readers and for helping me come up with ideas and even helping me to write some parts of it!! Seriously you two are massive reasons I even finished this fic!! I really hope you enjoy this last part!! Thank you so much for your support!!

[Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3] [Part 4] [Part 5] [Part 6] [Part 7] [Part 8] [Part 9] [Part 10] [Part 11] [Part 12] [Part 13] [Part 14] [Part 15] [Part 16]

Welcoming Jungkook’s parents’ home was one thing. Making out on the kitchen counter with Jungkook and having his parents walk in was another. Honestly, one doesn’t belong with the other and truthfully, Y/N would never have stopped Jungkook from taking her on the kitchen counter. Though out of respect for his parents, Y/N could control herself.

She didn’t know about Jungkook though.

A week after his parents had come to live with them, Jungkook had become so much more. Touchier, his hands constantly on Y/N, holding her to him, rubbing his chin and face over any inch of her he could touch. The quicker circles he made around Y/N had almost tripled since she had gotten home form the hospital, even his parents commented on it.

Well his mother had commented on it, given Y/N advice, even asked Y/N if it would be a good idea for herself and his father to give them some privacy.

“Y/N,” Jungkook’s mother spoke softly while they both stood in the kitchen cooking, Jungkook and his father in the living room out of ear shot.

“Yes ma’am?” Y/N stopped cutting vegetables as she looked at her.

“Please Y/N, you don’t have to call me ma’am.” She smiled like only a mother can before bumping her hip softly against Y/N. “Call me, Mum, Mama, or anything else please.”

Y/N still wasn’t exactly used to it. Jungkook’s mother and father had completely welcomed her into their little family, claiming her as their daughter who was mated to their son. They proudly called her their daughter to anyone they met, they were a real family, a family Y/N loves.

“I was wondering if I could ask you something?”

“Of course, you can.” Y/N nodded with a small smile.

“You and Jungkook, you have not fully mated yet. Why is that?” Jungkook’s mother asked as Y/N just stared at her. “I only asked because from what I’ve seen of you two, you are practically mated. You just have not started to have kit’s yet.”

“We…” Y/N looked over to where Jungkook sat, happily talking to his father about whatever they were watching on the tv. “By the time we both agreed to this… relationship, everything got bad. I was… we just never had the time to mate.”

“And now? Do you still want to mate with my son?”  

That was the question. And an easily answered question at that.

“I love your son.” Y/N looked back to the woman who smiled widely at her. “And I want to be with him, in any way he wants.”

“I know that sometimes when a human is with a hybrid they like to be married,” She pointed over towards the men who continued to talk. “Jungkook’s father wanted to be married, wanted to make it officially because he didn’t want anyone to treat me any less then what I was, his mate. Is that something you want? To marry Jungkook?”

That caught Y/N off guard. She had never really thought of marriage or the likes of it. Y/N knew that hybrids didn’t marry officially, once mated hybrids were as good as married. So, it never occurred to Y/N to actually be married to Jungkook.

“I… I never thought to…” Y/N stuttered a little over her words.

“It’s okay. Jungkook loves you. And he will happily give you anything you want.”

Before Y/N could say anything back, Jungkook came bounding into the kitchen quickly wrapping his arms around Y/N. The massive smile on his face was contagious, his parent’s happy that their son was safe and had found someone to love and love him back.

Though as dinner cooked, Jungkook’s arms stayed on Y/N, even as they all sat down to eat.

No more then a week later, Y/N had counted down the days, Jungkook took Y/N by the hand and lead her and his parents to a small cottage. It was down the path they took to the Astor’s, who joined as they walked, and a little smaller but just right. It was perfect and Jungkook was so proud to show his mate and his parents, that he could look after them, he could look after her.

Holding his hand outstretched towards his parents, Jungkook offered a small key with a wide bunny smile; “Welcome home.”

Y/N’s own eyes were wide, her heart swelled with pride seeing that her Jungkook, her mate, had given his own parents a true home. Y/N’s eyes never left Jungkook as he stood proudly and watched his parents move into the home, even if the tears threatened to spill. It was hard to believe that such a kind and caring man was once treated worse than an animal.

“You built them a home?” Y/N’s small voice asked Jungkook as the both of them stood by themselves at the door, watching Jungkook’s parents and grandparents.

“My Grandpa helped. It took a few months, but I had started it before everything happened.” Jungkook didn’t like to talk about it, didn’t like to think about Y/N not being where she was, beside him. “Yoongi and Hoseok helped whenever they could and Jimin and Taehyung would always be here helping when they would be here. I just… I wanted to do something for them. I wanted to show you that I can take care of you… if you’d let me…”

Y/N just smiled, before moving closer to him, standing up on her toes to softly press her lips to his. Although Jungkook had other plans to deepen the kiss, Y/N pulled back with a small laugh, reminding him they had company. He pouted, pulling her closer to him as he wrapped his arms around her waist and walked her around the house with his family.

Jin had visited 2 days ago and made a small passing comment. Something small. Something that could turn good or bad.

“So… Jungkook…” Jin smirked as he leaned against the counter. “His body seems to have completely relaxed into his environment. His heat will come soon. Have fun.”

Y/N had all but thrown him out of the house as he winked. He couldn’t help but laugh as Y/N cursed him out. It wasn’t that she was afraid of mating with Jungkook. She just didn’t like that he knew they would.

It also didn’t help when she went to visit Yoongi and Hoseok, both of them backing away before hugging her. Neither of them stood close to her and Y/N finally asked them why.

“We wouldn’t say you’ve been claimed… you haven’t mated yet.” Yoongi looked Y/N over.

“You just… you stink of that bunny and he is very territorial.” Hoseok laughed as Y/N sat at the counter. “Wouldn’t want to have him on our tail for trying to move in on you.”

Y/N couldn’t help but laugh at that, because if Jungkook was one thing, it was territorial. And if Y/N was completely honest with herself, she kinda liked it.

But she was becoming concern for the hybrid now. He wasn’t sleeping much, wasn’t eating enough, his temperature always running a few degrees too warm. Y/N would have thought he was sick if it wasn’t for the fact that every chance he got, Jungkook would wrap Y/N into his arms. He was scenting anything, including Y/N, around him when he got the chance, he was even more territorial then he normal was, he could even pass for aggressive.

The final deciding factor that Jungkook was in fact experiencing his heat for the first time to the full extent, was how Jungkook would unconsciously gnaw on objects. Y/N knew the signs, and she had offered Jungkook the possibility of heat suppressants. They had done the adult thing and talked about his heat, no matter how embarrassed Jungkook had gotten, and he had made the decision that he didn’t want them.

Y/N would have never throw that back in his face, giving him the love and reassurance that she would be there to help him. It was that step in any relationship with a hybrid that would be where a human would have to come to terms with a soulmate. It was something that was all or nothing, and Y/N knew that Jungkook was her end game.

Y/N was woken up in bed, she was too hot, there was a thin layer of sweat on her skin, which confused her. Although it was summer, the AC was on and it was cool in her room, though the furnace wrapped around her was making her sweat.

Jungkook’s own skin was burning hot, it was uncomfortable for her to touch him, but he was adamant of holding her. Actually, with the whimpers and soft sighs leaving his lips and his hips grinding against her ass, his fingers digging into her skin, holding her in place as he continued to move.

“Jungkook…” Y/N tried to turn around to face him, trying to wake him up. “Jungkook, wake up…”

“Y/N… don’t… don’t st-“ Jungkook’s own mumbling was cut off by him groaning into her ear, his warm breath on her skin.

“Jungkook, wake up.” Y/N pushed him harder this time, successfully waking him up as he blinked to try and see in the dark. “Are you okay?”

“Hurts…” Jungkook breathed heavily, pushing his head into Y/N, the movement of his body never once stopping. “Help… please…”

“It’s okay. I’ve got you.” Y/N  whispered over her shoulder, guiding Jungkook’s slightly trembling hands to help remove the almost soaked thin shirt she wore. “Let me help you Jungkook.”

Jungkook almost clawed Y/N’s shirt off, slightly ripping it as he finally got it off before throwing it somewhere in the dark room. Neither of them saw where, but that wasn’t either of their concern right now. What was Jungkook’s concern was tearing off what little both he and Y/N wore in the summer night, needing to feel every inch of her skin against his own.

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry…”

“Why are you apologising?” Y/N softly asked as her eyes caught his over her shoulder, her arm coming up to push his fallen hair out of his eyes.

“I wanted this to be… I didn’t want the first time I made love to you to be because I’m in the middle of a crazed heat episode.” Jungkook panted slightly, the heat, the pain becoming almost too much.

“Have we done anything in the right order?”

“I just wish…”

“Shh, Jungkook, it’s okay.” Y/N reassured him, leaning over her shoulder to kiss Jungkook, her hand wrapped around his neck and threading her fingers through his hair. “I love you.” Y/N whispered against his lips.

One of Jungkook’s large and sweaty rough hands moved up against Y/N’s soft skin before cupping her left breast. His fingertips softly pulling her erect nipple, causing Y/N to moan into his mouth, before his nudged her over.

Jungkook’s instincts took over, he was a buck in heat and a healthy doe was under him, wanting to please him. Jungkook moved Y/N up to her hands and knees, positioning himself behind her as his hand moved from her breast to steady himself. Taking a few, much needed deep breaths to calm himself down, Jungkook leaned down, softly leaving a trail of kisses up Y/N’s spine before kissing her shoulder a few times.

“I won’t last long.” Jungkook whispered into Y/N’s ear. “I’m sorry.”

“If you apologise one more time, I won’t go easy on you, Jeon Jungkook.” Y/N smirked over her shoulder.

“Easy on me?” Jungkook’s husky voice spoke as one of his hands moved down, his finger running along her slit. “Are you sure you should be threatening me right now?”

Y/N happily sighed, pushing her head into the pillow as Jungkook rubbed agonisingly slow circles on her clit.

“If you apologise one more time, I won’t go easy on you, Jeon Jungkook.” Y/N smirked over her shoulder.

“easy on me?’ Jungkook’s husky voice spoke as one of his hands moved down, lightly running over the soft skin of her stomach, before coming into contact with her slit. “Are you sure you should be threatening me right now?”

Y/N happily sighed, letting her head fall comfortably onto the pillow as Jungkook rubbed agonisingly slow circles on her clit, the other tracing circles on the flesh of her ass. She ran a hand up and down Jungkook’s arm, reassuring him. Breathy gasps fell from her lips with each circle, her need for him escalating, pushing her back to get more friction.

“Not so threatening now, are you?’ His lips grazing her ear as he spoke.

“Jungkook, please.” Her voice came out more desperate than she wanted, but she didn’t care.

“Please, what? What would you like me to do?” Jungkook asked in between leaving open mouthed kiss upon her shoulder.

“Mate me, make me yours.” She opened her eyes, not knowing she had closed them, her gaze caught Jungkook’s, his own eyes glazed over with lust and need. Letting out a deep growl, Jungkook leaned back.

“Are you sure?” Jungkook softly basked.

“Never been surer about anything, now make me yours.”

In one swift movement, Jungkook grabbed his cock, lined up with Y/N’s entrance and slowly started pushing in. A sharp gasp left Y/N’s mouth as she tightly clutched the sheets in her hands at the feeling of Jungkook’s cock stretching her deliciously. Jungkook’s closed his eyes tightly, forcing himself to hold back, just a while longer. The feeling of Y’N’s pussy, warm and welcoming, nearly becoming to much for him. He stilled for a moment once his cock was completely sheathed inside Y/N, allowing her to adjust to his size.

“Jungkook, move, please.” Y/N pleaded, her voice strained, and laced with desperation.

Jungkook slowly pulled out of her pussy, leaving just the head of his cock inside her, before pushing back in. His hands gripped her hips, breathless moans fell from lips with each slow thrust.

“I can tell you’re holding back, it’s okay. I’ll be okay,” Y/N reassured the bunny, “let go.”

Upon hearing those two words, Jungkook’s grip tightened as his pace became more forceful.  His floppy ears hitting his cheeks with each hard thrust of his hips. Louds moans roamed through the air as both of their highs became more apparent. The sound of skin slapping skin also filled the air around them.

“Jungkook, I’m close.” Y/N spoke, her voice hoarse, back arching.

Jungkook let a hand travel from her hip to her clit, rubbing harsh circles in time with his rapid thrusts. Her moans fell more frequently now, shifting her head from side to side on the pillow as she felt her orgasm building rapidly, threatening to burst.  Y/N started moving her hips back and forth helping to bring forth their orgasms.

“Cum for me.” Jungkook growled, his own high almost reaching breaking point, needing her to cum first to set him off. With a silent scream, the levy broke, and she came around him, milking him for all he’s worth.

“Come on, Jungkook. Cum in me, fill me up with your cum.” Those words went straight to his cock, he stilled as he came in her, coating her walls in white.

They stayed like that for a few moments, before he pulled out of Y/N. He helped her onto her back, before lying next to her, catching their breath, and coming back to earth. Jungkook moved to lean on his arm, looking at Y/N.

“I’m sorry that was quick, I wanted to take my time but,” Jungkook started, letting his gaze fall to her shoulder. She brought a hand up, cupping his cheek.

“It’s okay, stop apologising, we have all the time in the world now.” Y/N spoke leaning up to press a lingering kiss upon Jungkook’s lips.

“I want to make it up to you.” He said, lifting his gaze back up to Y/N’s.

Jungkook moved his body to hover over Y/N’s, One of Jungkook’s hands brushed Y/N’s hair out of her eyes before running over the smooth skin of her cheek. Slowly, he leaned down, nose touching hers as he paused for moment before Y/N placed a hand on the back of his neck and bringing him down into a searing kiss herself. Supporting himself on one arm, Jungkook trailed his hand over her skin, cupping her left breast and kneading gently, enticing a moan from the back of her throat. Taking advantage of his, Jungkook let his tongue slip past her swollen lips, exploring her mouth.

The fight for dominance easily won, Jungkook smirked into the kiss before breaking away and letting Y/N catch her breath. His lips left a lingering spark as they travelled along her jaw and to her neck. Y/N let out a small gasp as Jungkook started sucking on the sensitive spot just under her ear. Once satisfied with the purple mark, Jungkook travelled further down. Reaching her breasts, Jungkook looked up at Y/N through his lashes, before sucking a nipple into his mouth. Threading both hands through his  dark hair, Y/N held him closer to her. Y/N’s back arched off the mattress, relishing in the feeling of Jungkook’s mouth and hands on her.

“Jungkook.” Y/N chanted his name like a prayer.

Jungkook let her nipple go with a pop, before giving the same attention to the other. His tongue traced around Y/N’s nipple, maintaining eye contact with Y/N, before wrapping his lips around the small bud.  Y/N then let her head fall back onto the pillow, eyes screwed shut and mouth open in a perfect ‘o’. After a few moments, Jungkook continued his journey down south. Leaving burning kisses upon her stomach, teeth nipping at her hip bones, before grazing his lips over her thighs.

Leaning back, Jungkook placed his hands on her knees, pushing them apart, the cool air hitting Y/N’s pussy caused her to shiver. Jungkook took his time memorising her, his eyes taking in every detail, each scar and freckle, to the various pinks of her nipples and pussy. Y/N’s first instinct was to close her legs, but the strength behind his hands stopped her from doing so.

“Don’t. You’re beautiful.” Jungkook whispered, letting his gaze rake over her body one more time before he moved himself to laying on the mattress. Catching Y/N’s gaze once more, Jungkook inched closer towards her heat. Letting his tongue to pass between his lips, licking from Y/N’s entrance to her clit, catching the juices from their actions prior. “We taste amazing together.”

Jungkook hummed in approval, then ran the flat of his tongue up her slit. Y/N’s hands clutched at the sheets either side of her, pressing her head into the pillow as her back arched off the mattress. Jungkook’s hands travelled underneath her thighs, resting them on her stomach, with her thighs now placed on his shoulders. Humming, Jungkook grazed his teeth over her clit, feeling Y/N shiver around him, before wrapping his lips around the bundle if nerves and sucking harshly. Y/N screamed out at his action; her clit still sensitive after her first orgasm.

Jungkook’s mouth travelled downwards to her entrance, his tongue probing the hole. Y/N’s hands flew to Jungkook’s hair, wrapping her fingers around the strands, as his tongue entered her pussy. Y/N’s hands pulled on his hair as his fingers started rubbing circles on her clit, as he set a slow pace of thrusting his tongue inside her dripping pussy. The sound of his name falling from Y/N’s mouth caused Jungkook to hum against her in satisfaction, the action causing her hips to move against his mouth. Jungkook’s actions sped up upon feeling Y/N’s fingertips graze over his floppy ears, a deep growl rumbling through his chest and vibrating  on her pussy.

“Do that again.” Jungkook’s deep, husky voice graced Y/N’s hearing. “Touch my ears again. Please.”

He didn’t mean for his words to sound needy, but he needed Y/N to touch them. Lifting her hand up, Y/N lightly touched Jungkook’s left ear, running her fingertips over the soft fur. Low moans fell from Jungkook’s mouth, his leg starting to shake. Y/N could feel her second orgasm approaching, with each circle of his fingers, each thrust of his tongue and each sound Jungkook makes vibrating on her, the band in the pit of stomach snapped. Jungkook removed his tongue and replaced it with two of his long fingers, helping Y/N through her high.

Jungkook crawled up Y/N’s body, eyes filled with a primal lust. He pressed his forehead against Y/N’s as her hand travelled down, lightly ghosting over his skin, drawing goose bumps to rise until her fingers came in contact with his hard cock. Jungkook hissed at the contact and screwed his eyes shut, breathing rapidly. Y/N completely wrapped her hand around his cock and started to slowly pump him. Jungkook started to move his hips in time with Y/N’s hand, spasming with she ran her thumb over his tip. A hand caught her wrist, stopping her movements.

“Keep it up, and I’ll cum, but I want to cum in you.” Jungkook rasped as he pinned her hands to the mattress.

Using one hand to hold her wrists, Jungkook used his other to grasp his cock and ran along Y/N’s slit, teasing her before slowly pushing the tip inside her still tight hole.

“You’re still so tight for me.” Jungkook mused “Even after everything I’ve just done to you.”

“Kook, please.” Y/N pleaded, needing more.

“Patience. I want to savour this.”

Jungkook slowly pushed in further, until he was completely sheathed inside Y/N, pausing a movement to memorise the feeling. Jungkook leaned down and captured Y/N’s lips with his, pouring his heart and soul into kiss and started setting a nice, slow, and deep pace. Slowly pulling out so only his tip is inside Y/N, and then forcefully pushing back in, so she can feel him deep inside. The two moaned into each other’s mouths, tongues caressing one another and hands roaming over sweaty skin.

“Faster, Jungkook.” Y/N mulled into Jungkook’s mouth.

His hips moved faster upon her request; Jungkook broke away from kiss tor drop his head in the crock of Y/N’s neck., biting her shoulder to mask his moans. A large, rough hand filtered over her side to her clit, rubbing harsh circles. High pitched moans fell from Y/N mouth, a third high approaching.

“I’m close.” Y/N breathed, clenching her fists.

“Me too.” Jungkook whispered.

Y/N’s pussy clenching around his cock driving him mad, he thrusted his hips faster, chasing his high. Jungkook let go of her hands, threading his fingers through her hair and pulling her head to the side, sucking little love bites on the tender skin of her neck. Y/N’s hands flew straight to Jungkook’s back, racking her nails up and down along his spine. Her third orgasm hit her hard when Jungkook pinched her clit, walls clenching tightly around him as she came. Not long after, Jungkook’s thrusts became sloppy and sporadic. Y/N kept clenching her pussy, milking him, she let a hand move up to his ears and massaging the base of them.

Jungkook came with the deepest growl before collapsing atop of Y/N, both completely spent. After catching their breath, Jungkook pulled out of Y/N and rolled off the bed, stretching before walking into the bathroom. Returning with a wet cloth, he cleaned up Y/N of their mess. Tossing the cloth into washing basket, he moved to lay down next to his mate. His arms pulling her to his body, one leg thrown over hers, one of her hands threading through his hair.

“That was,” Y/N started breathlessly.

“Amazing.” Jungkook finished, just a breathless.

Soon, the room became quiet, their breathing finally back to normal as they seemed to be drifting off. Y/N took a quick glance at the clock next to her, telling her just how late it was, 4am and soon the sun was going to rise. As she was going to fall asleep, she could feel Jungkook moving again.

“Jungkook… how long do rabbit heats last again?” Y/N whispered as Jungkook was waking up fully again.

“A week…” Jungkook laughed a little, moving on top of Y/N again. “Give or take.”

It was a week before either of them resurfaced, it was never bought up or questioned. And after a week Y/N had a lot of work to get back to, rescuing hybrids and truly becoming a part of Jungkook’s family.

The reality of Y/N’s world was this was normal. Normal for her to be here, under these circumstances, happily. In love and happy.

Tag List

@ariana-winchester95 | @haven-raven012591 | @jennyjq | @Iwannag0h0me-c0m | @cstobitk | @goldenbangtann | @patpus | @lorielulu7 | @bubbletaetaesstuff | @narcissism-iskey | @yoongisabby | @demonslunacy | @sana-b | @chanyeolol | @nanskidoodle | @gracehiii | @legazix | @mintyrae | @the-immortal-dreamer | @kb-bangtanenthusiast | @aesthetewriter | @namjoons-dimple | @a-feeling-of-euphoria | @joyful-jimin​ |  

[ships-for-you]

Dl and free matchup, if possible? I’m a 5’4, ISFJ and leo/virgo cusp female. I have an hourglass figure, darkgreen eyes, long blonde hair and fair skin. I’m usually quiet, but can be loud. I’m stubborn, thoughtful, headstrong, straightforward, but also secretly emotional. I like being active, reading, cooking, new adventures, scary things, fashion, music, art, animals and sybaritic tastes. I dress according to mood. I’m very into dark humour. I’m both serious and relaxed. thx!😇

I'd like to note that for your DL matchup, it could be a bit triggering(?) Or violent, in that regard. It could also be a bit offensive but when it comes to the DL fandom, we can only expect this much.😅

For Free, I ship you with Sosuke Yamazaki!

I personally found you to be Sosuke’s type.

Being quite stubborn and headstrong, I feel as if someone as level-headed and composed such as Sosuke will be able to keep someone like you on the correct mindset.

Sosuke is the type of person that although doesn’t openly state his feelings a lot, he’ll be sure to express it through his actions to compensate since that’s just in his character to do so.

He may always seem like he doesn’t care,

 and usually he doesn’t, since he doesn’t like to sweat the small stuff,

but he does and it shows with people he’s close to like Rin, and his group mates.

Sosuke isn’t particularly interested in relationships, I feel like but if he does feel like it,

he’ll know.

You’d have to be a friend of Gou’s or the Iwatobi swim team since Samezuka is an all-boy’s school so…

Like you would have to have been a transfer student because you wanted to experience the luxury of Japan firsthand, or something like that.

You’d probably bond with Gou over more feminine things like the cutesier side of your fashion tastes and the like.

When you like stuff like skirts, dresses, blouses or whatever, you’re pretty self-indulgent with it and tend to burn cash on it since you know you’ll look good in it, so why not?

Gou would be your shopping buddy, whether you actually buy something or just window shopping and eating sweets and stuff, she knows you and likes you.

Even if sometimes you may come across as snobby.

Rei likes you for his interest in all things beautiful so your appreciation and understanding for art so you two also bond in that regard.

You would have met Sosuke when you were cheering for Iwatobi as they were against Samezuka while training.

You would be observing each person’s swimming style just because you saw how different and diverse they mostly were.

Sosuke would’ve noticed you when practice was nearly over as he saw you conversing with the Iwatobi members and complimenting them for the power and grace they exuded while swimming.

At first he noticed your pale hair that wasn’t so natural of a color for an asian.

Then he noticed you just weren’t of their continent entirely.

He is intrigued by your style and physique because he’s never seen anyone like you in real life and not from the internet or magazines.

He honestly thought you could be a model and he’d pay good money for magazines you’d feature in…

But then he remembers that ew, that sounds creepy and really perverted also, he’s been staring in your general direction so not only has he gained the attention of Haruka’s team,

He also gained yours.

So he’d immediately turn away and pretend like nothing happened.

He’d start seeing you more often when you’re at competitions or tournaments, rooting for your friends 

Or maybe even at times he comes to visit Rin in his house and you’d answer the door because you probably were hanging out with Gou.

He’d start to develop more substantial feelings for you later on but if you expect him to confess immediately after realizing it, he wouldn’t.

Because at times, you do genuinely annoy him but then he also thinks you’re pretty chill to hang out with.

The way that you kind of suppress your emotions or what you’re feeling helps him understand why he’s also like that in regards to keeping his feelings and how it must make other people feel.

He’ll tell you how he feels after he fully understood the extent of his feelings and confess with a grand gesture that he’s probably been saving and planning for months just because he think you’ll prefer it that way.

If it’s what the lady wants, he’ll deliver.

For Diabolik Lovers, I ship you with Reiji Sakamaki!

Again, like most of my character matchups, the characters seem like they don’t have much in common with the sender of the request.

Here, it’s sort of different.

In all honesty, I didn’t doubt for a second that Reiji would be your match.

From the moment you set foot in the manor to accompany Yui, you were screwed.

But honestly, if it weren’t for the no killing rule and you being included in it as well, you would not have survived you first 3 days.

You weren’t as devoted to your religion as Yui was, or religious in general, and so you had little to nothing limiting your perception of what may be real and what couldn’t.

So when you started to notice something suspicious about your whole predicament and the unsettling aura your friend’s “relatives” were embodying, you were certain there was something wrong.

“They’re vampires, I know it.” “I don't think my-” “I’m telling you Yui, I know they’re vampires. What else could they be?”

And guess what? You were right.

Time progresses and it’s obvious your little companion had been the target of majority of the siblings mainly because they got more of a kick out of her expressions.

It really doesn't do for most of them to have someone as strong-willed or headstrong as you since it’s too bothersome.

Except for one,

Well, let’s be honest, there are actually 2 but nobody really cares about the other one,

Reiji will absolutely not take your bullshit, your disobedience, your “Insubordination.” as he calls it.

At first he enjoyed the fact that you were relatively quiet and so no additional noise was heard within the walls of the mansion as he’s, apparently,” heard enough tongues flap in their idiotic mouths.” already.

But because you were silent, you showed your resilience through your actions such as wandering around places you weren't supposed to, 

Touching things you weren't supposed to just because they seemed expensive and therefore pretty,

And occasionally stopping the others from feeding off of Yui.

That bothered him immensely, who are you to tell creatures, far superior in comparison to you, what to do? To hinder them from what they want and need?

Also to note, the fact you look quite similar to his older brother and his late mother?

Girl,

Your very existence is a THREAT to his "polite" reputation.

He simply cannot wait to torture you, discipline you until you know your place.

He wants to hear you scream, you've got a mouth, might as well get it to work.

Your blood isn't the best but he just adores the expression on your face, the satisfaction and gratification he feels when he knows he's driving you near the edge...

He doesn't allow you the luxury of dying though, which is unfortunate.

He does cater to your desires at times.

Although, in the end, it mostly benefits him. For example,

Showcasing his prized fine china set. Preparing tea for you in one of the most beautiful cups you've ever seen,

Only for the tea to be poisoned, or drugged.

He'd strike you hard with his whip, should you show your subordination again.

Oh, but only with his best one, made with the finest of Italian leather. You'd like that, won't you?

Oh, you care for fashion, don't you? He'll be sure to dress you up according to your status in his eyes.

So a maid outfit will have to do.

Sometimes, he's punished you by keeping you bare and cold and so you'd occasionally get sick. Peasants don't usually have clothes unless they beg for rags.

But you know better than to beg, don't you?

He's training you to be the only woman worthy of his time. His ideal woman.

His ideal blood bag.

So what if you're not the Eve? You're his and his alone. He'll keep you with him until he becomes Adam either way.

It doesn't matter if he keeps you as his little spoiled pet or his high-maintenance servant.

You're his and his alone.

~~~~~|~~~~~~~~|~~~~~~~|~~~~~~~|

[melodythefab]

An Interview with Inferno~

50 Character Builder Questions for your Tabletop Character by Ginny Di

Are you a morning person or more of a night owl?

I am much more of a morning person. I like to wake up early, to start moving as the sun rises and feel sunlight on my skin and feel the rest of the world waking up with me.

What’s the first thing you notice about a person when you meet them?

The way they stand. Do they stand proud? Or do they seem like they have something to hide? Are they fidgeting with something? Do they look comfortable or nervous?

You see a huge spider in your room. What do you do?

Catch it and let it out. I don’t want to kill an innocent creature.

If you could go back and change one decision you made in the past, what would you change?

I would change how I didn’t go to Greenwich sooner. Maybe I’d have met Shortiss, Todd, and Cochann sooner. I was fine, of course, so were they, but I wonder what might’ve happened.

Tell me about your first kiss.

*deadpan* no.

Do you give people second chances?

Of course. I believe there is good in everyone, but also that everyone has a capacity to do evil. We must work with each other to bring the light out in ourselves and others.

Except for Todd. He receives no sympathy from me.

Are you a cat person or a dog person?

Dogs ☺️

Do you think you’re attractive?

By Genasi standards or human ones? I wouldn’t say so, probably, but Basil complimented my muscles the other day, so perhaps? (Me: baby that was for a Bardic no-)

What’s your worst habit?

Letting Todd make any decision with consequences.

(It’s hair upkeep. It might be made of fire, Inferno, but you still have to take care of it).

When was the last time you cried?

It- it’s been a while. I won’t lie, I teared up fighting those black dragons about a month ago, but I also almost died, so I believe I had good reason.

But the last time I really cried- Probably the time I realized I can’t save everyone all the time. That still weighs heavily on me. I’ve come to accept it now, to some extent, but I still wish I could.

Are you a good liar?

In theory, yes. In practice, no. (Read: high charisma, but I always get shitty rolls)

What’s your biggest pet peeve?

Being Todd.

Ok, but really. I’m not sure if this counts as a pet peeve or not, but having a general disregard for the welfare of others.

Have you ever had your heart broken?

In the sense that this is asking? No. However, when we found the Sword of Tyr (I’m pretty sure it’s a homebrew weapon our DM made for her. Basically she has to prove herself worthy to the sword to unlock its full potential.) and I realized that for some reason, I’m not considered worthy by Tyr yet, I’m fairly sure that’s what heartbreak feels like.

It’s okay, though. I’m fine. I just need to do better. I won’t give up.

Are you more likely to use your fists or your words in an argument?

Words first, but then, swords are a fantastic backup option.

What’s something you’re naturally good at?

I’m pretty naturally good at healing. Of course, having Lay on Hands and Cure Wounds helps, but I’m usually pretty good at patching up my friends.

What’s something you had to work hard to be good at?

I have to work really hard to be even remotely passable in anything dexterous. You’d think a warrior like myself would be able to handle a slippery floor or even just hopping into a Bag of Holding, but those are both things that have felled me when my enemies have failed to. (Poor baby has a -2 modifier and I roll really bad for every single Dex check.)

Can you tell when someone is flirting with you?

Absolutely not. Honestly, that entire realm, romance and affection, are just entirely beyond me.

Do you think money can buy happiness?

No. Money can supply temporary happiness. Drinks at the tavern, fancy homes, that sort of thing. But real happiness- at one point, I wasn’t sure it really existed outside of fairy tales. But now I know that true happiness is found in those around you. Shortiss, Cochann, Todd, and even our two additions, Ember and Basil, they’ve all helped me realize that I need my friends just as much as they need me. I don’t think they know it, but I’d throw myself in front of a million dragons if it meant they were safe. They’ve changed my life, and I am forever grateful.

Do you believe in destiny?

Yes. Everyone has a destiny. Life is an ever-winding road leading you there. It’s impossible to avoid, but really, why would you? Destiny is what you were meant to do. Your destiny will see you at your very strongest and push you into greatness. One day I know I’ll reach mine. Until then, I’ll just get stronger and keep growing.

Are you a good cook?

I’m literally made of fire. Everything burns.

Surprisingly enough, though, Ember’s not a bad cook.

What do you think happens after you die?

Well, valiant warriors, those who give their lives for others and would fight ‘til their dying breath, those people go to Valhalla or Folkvangr to dine with the gods and prepare for Ragnarok. For others, Hel most likely awaits.

Did you have to grow up fast?

No. I was blessed with a good father and a good station. I was always mature for my age, but I know that’s not nearly the same thing.

Who do you look up to?

I’m not sure I really look up to anyone. I must carve my own path in this world.

When you go to a tavern, what do you order?

Usually something light, or nothing at all. Todd drinks enough for all of us.

What do you like most about yourself?

I’m persistent as hell. I’m also pretty hard to kill.

What do you like least about yourself?

Sometimes I get caught up and lose myself in my own competitive drive, and it causes me to lose my good judgement. *grins* I blame Cochann. He’s a bad influence. (She doesn’t really blame him. He is, however, a bad influence. Only sometimes, though.)

Are you a planner, or more spontaneous?

Spontaneous. If I make plans, I make them in the moment.

Can you keep a secret?

Absolutely.

Do you like being the center of attention?

Not usually. I tend to stay towards the back of most situations with Shortiss. Basil is far more fit for the attention, anyways.

If you knew you were going to die tomorrow, what would you do today?

I wouldn’t do a single thing different. If I’m destined to die, I’ll go down fighting.

Do you enjoy getting all dressed up for a special occasion?

Not really, but polishing my armor and sharpening my blades gives me a similar feeling, I think.

Where do you feel safe?

With my friends. Sure, they can be annoying, but I know nobody has my back like they do. *laughs* Yes, even Todd.

Do you love or hate being alone?

At one point, I probably would’ve said I love it, but now I can’t imagine being without my friends.

What’s the last nightmare you remember having?

Well, I have horrific nightmares about what will happen if the Cult of the Dragons succeeds exactly every fifth night. That is what drove me to this quest anyways.

Do you admit to mistakes when you make them?

I try to.

Do you want to grow up to be like your parents?

No. My father was a good man, but I have my own destiny.

How do you deal with being sick? Are you stoic, or super whiny?

I legitimately cannot get sick.

What did your parents expect from you when you were born?

My father didn’t truly expect much from me. He always just told me I should strive to be good and do good.

Do you have a strong sense of style?

Fighting style, yes.

Would you rather camp outdoors or stay the night in an inn?

Depends. How good is the inn? What’s the weather like? I refuse to sleep in the rain. It messes with my hair. (We’ve decided she’s like a charmander and if the flame goes out, she, like, dies. Maybe not completely but Bad Stuff happens.)

Is there a food that most people like that you absolutely hate?

I’m pretty tolerable of most foods.

Are you more of a hoarder or a minimalist?

Minimalist. I don’t carry much.

Are you superstitious?

No. (Yes.)

Are you the kind of person who remembers people’s birthdays and pets’ names and stuff?

Absolutely. My mind is an iron lock. (No it’s not. She tries, though.)

What do you do to feel better when you’re sad?

I go to my friends. They always know how to cheer me up. Maybe some friendly competition with Cochann, sitting and chatting with Shortiss or Ember, or doing whatever the hell it is Basil and Todd normally do.

Is it hard for you to trust someone?

Not really. Unless it looks like they’ve got something to hide.

Are you susceptible to peer pressure?

No. Well, not on the things that matter.

If you decided to stop adventuring and settle down, what kind of job would you take?

I’m not sure. I would probably want to be a healer. Maybe find a village to protect. Honestly, though, I cannot see myself giving up this life. I’ve sworn an oath to Tyr. Every day must be spent making sure I follow through.

As a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?

Truthfully, this. I wanted to be a noble adventurer who helped the innocent and did good deeds. I think if, back then, I’d known one day I’d slay a real dragon, well, I probably would’ve exploded from pure excitement.

[feuilly-cakes]

The Maze Runner (series) - review

Buckle up, this is going to be a long one. My thoughts on the series as a whole is that it’s an alright one, and you’ll soon see why the praise isn’t higher there. I’ll go book by book with my thoughts on each, so you can know exactly the way my feelings progressed to this point.

Book 1: The Maze Runner - 5*

I gave this book a 5 star rating, but honestly it's been nearly 2 months since then and I'm still not sure on that rating. Ideally, 5 stars for me means I got so attached to the characters I cried or had some other emotion, but that didn't happen here. Instead, I got a fantastic plot with a ton of mystery and a lot of terror, all with amazing writing but uninteresting characters. I won't say they are flat characters, because they aren't, but I didn't really feel a connection with them. There is only so much you can relate to a character who has no history.

Thomas is obviously the main character and so we see everything from his perspective, and we do see his emotions, his personality, his struggle. He spends a good portion of the book confused, angry, sad, frustrated. He's not a flat, boring character by any means, but for some reason I just didn't feel that connection I usually do with main characters. Maybe it's a side effect of the third person limited narration, or maybe he just isn't a character I can relate to, but I wasn't really interested emotionally in his character. I didn't need to be really, because the plot more than made up for it.

When it comes to the plot, I found no faults. It was fast paced and had me asking questions the whole way through, and most of them even got answered. Most of the questions pertained to how the Maze worked; How was it so high up that the box rose for half an hour? What was really around The Cliff and how were they seeing stars below them? How did the walls move? Was it actually indoors or not and how would that even work anyway? I love when I’m constantly asking questions and coming up with theories while reading, and this book was one huge question mark. Just the memories plot alone had me on the edge of my seat, and I wanted to know more.

If you only read books for the characters and their personal arcs, this might be a bit weak on that for you. If you love a good mystery mixed in with a bit of horror and sci-fi elements, plus a dash of dystopia (which I’m sure will become a big dollop in the next book) then this is absolutely the best thing to read. It’s definitely a 5 star quality, just in my personal opinion not a 5 star emotion.

Book 2: The Scorch Trials - 3*

Honestly, this was not anywhere near as enjoyable as the first book. Technically speaking it was a well written book, but personally I didn’t find it great, simply okay - average. Enjoyable to an extent but irritating to a certain degree. I kept reading because I expected something to be answered but all I got was confused. After watching all the films and powering through the first book I genuinely expected so much more from this and I was let down.

It’s darker and more gory than the first book, with some shocking scenes that kept me going. I did appreciate all the dream flashbacks from Thomas that helped put together what exactly he had to do with the Maze. Outside of these dreams I just didn’t know what was going on half the time and I felt frustrated by it all. His backstory was legit the only reason I was interested at all. I didn’t really care where they were going or their journey, l just wanted to know about his missing memories.

I understand this one was to set up the world a bit more and go into character development, but this was the most mediocre of middle book syndrome books. I can honestly say here I preferred the film.

Book 3: The Death Cure - 4*

Oh boy with this one. I have a very immediate reaction with lots of spoilers here on my goodreads if anyone wants to see that, but I'll summarise with the good spoilery bits cut out.

Well, my brain hurts.

This book honestly started out kinda meh, with some interesting tidbits thrown in. Then it got less meh, but more disturbing. Whether all of it was really that bad or whether it was bad because of the real world parallels right now I do not know, but I got a little bit messed up by everything that happened in Denver. The worldbuilding became more relevant here, we learn more about the Flare, the way people are living alongside it and/or with it, and the way Cranks are really treated. We get to find out about The Purge too, which I'll leave as a lovely surprise for those of you who haven't yet read, but what happened and my loud opinions are through that goodreads link if you want entertainment.

And on that note, let's talk Teresa. Full disclosure, I went into this trilogy already loving the films, and I still stand by that love. The treatment of Teresa in those films, however, was abysmal, and to read her actual character arc, well, I was enraged. Her arc in these books is fantastic, and the way she grows and realises the consequences of her actions is actually realistic, especially after all the trauma of the trials. We barely even see her and yet we see most of her character arc in this book. Simply getting her memories back wouldn't make her forget all the horror and go back to Wicked, and the way it was all handled was super satisfying. It does all make me wonder if perhaps she knew about the Brain thing, though. I won't know until I read that prequel story so until then I'll just have to speculate [currently reading that, still don't know]. On a similar note the Chancellor Page storyline was bizarrely different, and I had a shock when we get to interact (?) with her in the capacity we did.

Chapter 56 can choke. I knew it was coming okay, yet it still made me feel like I was punched in the chest. Especially after the previous scenes where we see things happen with a certain character in a scary way.

I can't talk about the Brain thing. It's disturbing to think about and I will be repressing the memory of that whole section of the book as soon as I can. It also kicks off a series of horrifying imagery and tragic events that hurt my emotions. All I can really say is that it's a strong ending to a trilogy, and if you're here you probably got past the travesty that was The Scorch Trials so this book will be a breeze compared to that, just be wary of the medical horror and the horror in general, since it's pretty graphic.

You may notice I haven't discussed Thomas, and that is because I'm too messed up by the Brain thing. The medical horror plus his reaction to the knowledge of what was about to happen knocked me flat emotionally and I may never get past that in terms of these books. No one has ever mentioned the Brain thing in any fan space I've been in, and that's for a good reason. Just know Thomas grew on me slowly just in time to cause me great distress. That is all.

Book 4: The Kill Order - 4*

I kind of loved this book, but as a friend. It basically shows the story of the Flare virus' bad beginnings in the world, with flashbacks to the solar flares that caused all the initial devastation. It was one hell of a page turner. It read like it was just meant to be a film, if you know what I mean. It does stand alone if you don’t read the prologue.

I honestly wasn’t expecting to get quite so many tidbits of information about the actual Flares event itself; to be honest I was expecting this to be a typical zombie kind of story that starts after the beginning and ends before the end, but it actually starts at ground zero on day 1 of the Flare (outside of the control group that is). I thought it was horrifying and fascinating to see how quickly it mutates and the effects changes, and also how the characters react knowing that they’ve probably been exposed to it from the beginning. Seeing the inside of the mind of one the earliest Cranks as they become infected was amazingly interesting after seeing how Newt acted in the Death Cure when he got sick.

The flashbacks to the Solar Flares and its aftermath were just terrifying. The imagery was horrifying and the whole concept of sun flares and then massive floods of boiling hot water put me right on edge even though obviously they were alive at the start of the book. Something that massively surprised me as I read was that the Flare virus had only been around for 13 years before the start of The Maze Runner, and it only took the government 1 year after the solar flares to decide to kill off part of the population. No other dystopian I’ve read can top that level of evilness from governmental systems.

Aside from the horror aspect, I was also mightily confused and a bit amused-but-also-horrified at the cult. If you’ve read it you know. If you haven’t yet then you’ve got a storm coming let me tell you. Although we see in Death Cure that Cranks form mobs with a common purpose and of course they they lose their minds, I wasn’t at all expecting to see an actual cult just casually thrown in. It just adds to the madness of the story and actually fit right in among the other craziness of what went down.

My one question is: is DeeDee Teresa? (She was! It was implied in the next book.)

The reason I didn't rate this higher despite my enjoyment was that it just isn't a book I would reread. It's like an action film or horror film that you really enjoyed and appreciated but won't stick around for too long.

Book 5: The Fever Code: 3* on Goodreads, 2.5* in my heart

This one was a slog to get through. It goes over Thomas' life in Wicked, from the first few days to the day he goes into the maze. I didn't like it very much at all. My biggest problem was the torture of a 4 year old only a few pages in. It ruined the rest of the book for me. My second biggest problem is that we never learn Newt’s name. The betrayal of it all is astounding.

I’ve got to be honest, I was only pushing myself to read this because I wanted to know about the purge. It doesn’t happen until pretty late in the book and nearly everything before that is terribly boring. Everything after that happens pretty quickly.

I appreciated that we get added context to some things that happened in the main trilogy, however, some things that happen take away from the story in a bad way. Dr Paige is one example of this, where in the main trilogy she only appears in a positive context to save Thomas and the other immune, while in this she does some truly evil things behind the scenes unrelated to the context of the trials (or so she tells Thomas. We don’t know how much of that was truth and how much was intended as a Variable but either way it contradicts what we know of her in the Death Cure). The huge reveal at the ending regarding Teresa is also out of nowhere and seems contradictory to the main books. How much of her actions were planned and how much were real? Why would she lead the gladers to escape if she was as this book said she was? Was it a change of mind or was this particular aspect a retcon that wasn’t intended with the original books?

This one felt like an unnecessary addition to the series and I’m disappointed by how it turned out. I expected more and got less. If it hadn’t picked up in the last 150 pages this would’ve been a 2* simply for the disappointment that equalled that of The Scorch Trials. This may be a bit harsh but I do believe the books should have ended after The Kill Order, and the rest be left to the imagination.

To end on a semi-positive note: it turns out The Brain Thing was actually mentioned to them, but it's unclear if Teresa picked up on it, as we know Thomas didn't. It all came out at a very inopportune time while they were killing a crank who knew about it. The Brain Thing isn't positive at all, but I was very excited to learn if they had any inkling and that was sort of answered!

[baajisms]

@toghairm // 𝐅𝐑𝐔𝐈𝐓𝐘 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐂𝐀𝐍𝐎𝐍 𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐌𝐏𝐓𝐒   ♡   𝐒𝐘𝐌𝐁𝐎𝐋 𝐌𝐄𝐌𝐄

🍐  :    how intelligent is my muse overall?  are they smarter than the average person,  or less than?  are they primarily self-taught,  or did they acquire most of their knowledge in school?  are they more street smart or book smart?

I’d say average or maybe a little above so. Her knowledge of white magic and healing helps her stand out more than anything. She went through the same schooling as most children did in Spira, so long as they accepted Yevon’s teachings. Her parents did get her a white magic tutor as well because they felt the one that she had in school wasn’t giving her enough attention. Going from Bevelle to Macalania Temple helped a bit as well, but I don’t think it made her any more or less intelligent. Most of her knowledge came from school, the temples and the Guado to a certain extent as well. I believe Jyscal might have let her in on some of the secrets that only the Guado knew early on in their marriage. Not all, mind you, but some. 

I’d 100% say she was more book smart than street smart. She was a studious child when she wanted to be, mainly to try and please her parents and to show how devoted she was to Yevon.

🍎  :    how stable is my muse’s mental health?  have they been diagnosed with any mental illnesses and  /  or conditions?  do they have any undiagnosed mental illnesses and  /  or conditions?  do they or should they attend therapy?

Pre-Guadosalam, I think it would have been pretty good. As good as it could be in Spira, at least. Her childhood was fairly decent, she stayed in line with Yevon’s teachings for the most part (barring the whole helping people that she probably shouldn’t have fiasco), she never wanted for much honestly. Her illness probably made her somewhat anxious (which coincidentally wouldn’t have helped with the illness) at times, but I don’t think it ever flared up into something that she needed medication or a therapist for.

However, after moving into the mansion in Guadosalam and having Seymour, I think her mental health definitely took a hit. More deets under the cut. Pre-warning, mentions of depression, anxiety and eating disorders under the cut.

The Guado shunned her and her son, her husband started becoming distant and eventually exiled them, without the proper medication & treatment her illness was threatening to kill her and the only way she could think of to get her son even the modicum of respect and attention that Anna thought he deserved was to ritualistically sacrifice herself to become an Aeon so he could defeat Sin. The last bit, while I think stems from her optimistic nihilism, probably also stemmed from a sense of depression, anxiety and/or paranoia. I think anyone in her position, especially in Baaj, would not have been able to mentally survive that long without some cracks starting to show. I think becoming a Fayth helped her realise that maybe doing that wasn’t the best idea and being able to explore Dream Zanarkand kind of helped with easing her mental struggles but I wouldn’t say it cured whatever she was going through.

If Dream Zanarkand ever had any sort of game-related therapy, then maybe I can see Anna coming to the realisation that maybe she needed some help and having a few sessions. Talking to the other Fayth helped as well, but she was never put on any medication during her time in Dream Zanarkand. I think the therapy helped a lot and eventually helped her reach the point we see her in X. Does she still blame herself? Absolutely. She fully understands how her, Jyscal and the Guado pretty much ruined any chance of Seymour having a happy childhood. Does it still come back and threaten to overwhelm her? Sometimes. But she’s past the stage of panic attacks and depressive episodes with it now and has moved on to guilt.

Post X-2 Anna suffered a bit with mental health as well. Being a Fayth for so long meant that she had no need to food, water or sleep in the way that the living did. When she became human again, she found it very difficult to eat, drink or sleep. She suffered insomnia most nights and barely slept within the first few months of her coming back to Spira. Drinking was much easier to get used to than eating was and for a while she got herself into having smoothies and soups cause they were easier to ‘eat’ than normal food. She couldn’t eat big meals at first, they made her feel sick and especially at first, very nearly did. She lost a lot of weight during those first few weeks and because she never needed to eat during her time as a Fayth, there were days when she forgot to eat until late in the evening. She started nibbling on things first and introduced more food little by little. She had a bit of anxiety of about back into the world, terrified that people would recognise her and cast her out again. It took her months to be able to get back to normal. Did she go to therapy? Once or twice, mainly to helping with eating and sleeping again. It also unintentionally helped her with being less anxious about people recognising her, cause they didn’t tend to. I don’t tend to write Anna in this time period, like at all, and tend to default to when she’s feeling better and more confident (see - when she goes to the mansion in Guadosalam).

[fullmetalscullyy]

the way it was - chapter 2

everybody needs one true friend

summary:  what if riza never went to war?  riza hawkeye has just married the man she loves. six months into their marriage, an unexpected surprise stops her from following roy to the military. a canon divergence au that explores what might have happened had riza been unable to join the military. there will be plenty of family fluff, angst, and royai.

rated: m | warnings: no archive warning apply

chapter 1 | read on ao3

1909

everybody needs one true friend

someone who’ll be there ‘till the very end

“The war in Ishval has taken a turn today, as the State Alchemists have managed to subdue more than eighty per cent of the rebels within the state. The Hero of Ishval, Roy Mustang, played a large part in today’s victory –” Riza quickly turned the radio off. Usually she would hang onto every word, absorb every scrap of news, but at the mention of his name, she couldn’t bear to listen to it anymore.

He’d been hailed as the Hero of Ishval. Riza didn’t want to begin to imagine what he might have done to those people to earn that title. She withheld all judgement – she had no right to do so because she wasn’t there – but it made her worried. Very worried. He had been sent off to war eight months ago. That was a long time.  Those eight months, and the actions he carried out within that time, may have changed him completely. Riza wouldn’t know what the man would return as until he was standing right in front of her. 

On today of all days she didn’t want to think about the war either. Besides, the only news she trusted came from letters Roy sent. Of course, he didn’t tell her much about the conditions out there. He wouldn’t want her to worry. However, even those were coming few and far between at this point, now eight months into his service. While that thought worried Riza regardless, she didn’t let it get her down. She couldn’t. She had too much to do and concentrate on here, at home. Thinking about the lack of response only brought tears and worry, and that was best saved for her bedroom at night where no one was around to hear her cry.

“Sorry,” Rebecca apologised sheepishly.

“It’s okay,” Riza replied, keeping her voice even. She placed a hand on her swollen stomach and turned her gaze outside the window of the car.

“I hear about it so often at work it just becomes background noise,” her friend explained. “But hey,” she added, voice becoming more chipper. “Today is all about you, so let’s forget about that just now.”

If only it was that simple.

“Gracia Hughes is on her way to the hotel now. One of Roy’s sisters is picking her up in the car. You won’t be completely bombarded by his siblings,” Rebecca laughed, trying to lighten the mood. Riza managed a smile, but it quickly fell. Now it had been mentioned, all she could do was worry about him.

She hadn’t received a letter in over a month. She’d sent two since his last one, but no reply. At least today’s news meant he was still alive. That was one positive thing to focus on.

Chris – bless the woman – had a party already in full swing by the time Riza and Rebecca arrived.

Roy’s family had all migrated to East City for the day, it felt like. They were staying at a hotel in town, and had hired out the function suite for them to throw a baby shower for Riza. She begged them not to go through so much trouble, that she was more than happy to have it in her own apartment, but she received a few sympathetic looks.

“Riza, honey, we wouldn’t all fit.”

Her and Roy’s apartment was small, but it wasn’t that small, Riza had thought indignantly.

Sure enough, Roy had a large family. Some people were here who she’d never even seen before.

She gulped.

“Riza!” Vanessa squealed as she stepped out of Rebecca’s car. The blonde threw her arms around Riza’s neck, hugging her tightly. She was an incredibly beautiful woman, always made up expertly with makeup and fake eyelashes, which Riza had never seen before meeting Roy’s family. Her blonde hair tumbled down her back, effortless curls swishing as she moved. Her perfectly manicured nails were two different colours today. The nail polish alternated colour on each finger, a pattern of blue and pink. It was in celebration of Riza’s baby shower, Vanessa had beamed at her and Rebecca. She was a very sweet woman, and Riza would never admit this aloud, but Vanessa was Riza’s favourite. All of Roy’s adoptive sisters were amazing to her, but Vanessa had gone that extra mile every time and had made sure Riza felty included in everything they did together as a family.

She truly felt like she was a sister to them, and Riza would forever be grateful to them for that.

Also, Riza often caught the scoop of the gossip around Central too, thanks to Vanessa. At least once a week she would phone Riza and ask how she was doing, eventually turning the conversation towards animatedly talking about who she’d been on a “date” with that week. Riza had heard some things she probably shouldn't have, but Vanessa had connections to the higher ups in the military too. Roy had explained what his mother dealt in and how the bar was just a front. No wonder her organisation was so fruitful. Vanessa somehow managed to get the scoop on everyone. She could be both relentless and ruthless in her “innocent” questioning, and Riza was glad that kind of attention had never been directed towards her. She’d spill all she knew there and then because Vanessa was that good.

As she was drawn into Vanessa’s embrace, Riza almost gagged at the amount of perfume that invaded her nostrils – a smell she’d become quite sensitive to while pregnant – but managed to control herself. “How are you doing? Oh, come in, come in! We’ve been so excited about today for so long!”

Banners covered every wall of the function suite while balloons littered the floor, a sea of plastic and air. Every time someone walked through them, they were kicked gently up into the air. It was a carpet of pink, blue, and white.

Her mother and sister-in-law had outdone themselves. There was so much food. Platter upon platter covered every available table in the room. They had been arranged around the outskirts of the room to allow a mingling area for the guests to Riza’s baby shower, as well as dancefloor. The chairs were dotted about the room, some arranged in small circles where women sat chatting and laughing with each other already, their plates full of food.

“Riza,” Chris greeted warmly, a smile on her face. She pulled Riza into an unexpected hug, but Riza appreciated it all the same. It was nice to feel welcomed like this. Roy’s family had accepted her wholeheartedly after their marriage. After he’d left, his sisters visited her at home almost every day. It was a blessing to have the company, as well as another connection to Roy. “Welcome. How are you feeling?”

“I’m all right,” Riza reassured her.

“Still get sick?”

Riza shook her head. “No. Thank goodness that’s all behind me.” In the early months she’d been violently sick many times. After eating, she would vomit. Even the smell of cooking made her ill. She had to go to hospital overnight once to get a drip because she’d almost passed out. Luckily, she’d been at Chris’ in Central for the weekend, so someone was able to take her there.

“Good.” Chris Mustang was a woman of very few words, Riza had noticed this early on. At first, she’d worried she’d offended her in some way because her replies were always abrupt, her tone sharp, but Roy reassured her “that was just his mother”.

The baby shower was very graciously arranged by Vanessa. Riza assured her she didn’t need anything fancy, but Vanessa had pulled out all the stops. There was a mountain of presents in the corner already, and there were still women arriving, carrying large boxes in their arms.

Riza felt her eyes begin to fill up with tears.

“Hey, are you okay?” Rebecca asked quietly, noticing her change in demeanour.

“I’m fine,” Riza reassured her, voice wobbling. “Honestly, I’m alright. This is just… a lot. It’s… completely unexpected.” No one had ever done something for her before, on this large a scale.

Roy had proposed, but it was a way to offer her stabilisation shortly after her father died. The proposal hadn’t been a grand affair. It was a quiet question, murmured over the sound of the fire crackling beside them in her living room. The fire hadn’t been on in years in her childhood home, but they lit it that night. A signal of a new beginning. A beacon of light for both their futures. After nervously asking Roy what he was talking about, he’d gotten down on one knee, uncertainty in his eyes. They loved each other, but the marriage would be convenient for her, more than anything. They both never expected it to grow into something so wonderful when they had first discussed it after Berthold’s funeral. Those six months of marriage had been the best days of her life.

During and just after the funeral, they’d been very guarded and shy with one another. A year had passed since he’d left for the military and they’d both grown up, but something awoke inside of her after being finally freed from her father’s burden. Perhaps it was the intimacy of the act – Roy examining the skin of her back so closely – and then the anguish of the aftermath. He’d burned the most important parts of the tattoo in order to hide it and stop others from discovering its secrets. Roy had agonised over her request, but she just wanted to finally be free, she had whispered brokenly, her tone carrying the weight of the burden on her back. He couldn’t deny her of that. It had brought them closer together. They now shared a bond that no one else would ever know the extent of. One that couldn’t be broken.

He proposed a week after the funeral. She’d passed on the secrets of flame alchemy to him, and that was when their relationship turned. The night he’d finished studying her back was when they’d slept together for the first time. The feeling of his fingertips ghosting over his skin, the breath tickling her sensitive back, had made her boldly roll over and straddle his hips. He’d been astonished, and if Riza wasn’t so worked up, she would’ve laughed. As soon as her hands tangled themselves in his hair, he reciprocated eagerly.

Roy left – for what was supposed to be the last time – to take the State Alchemist exam. They celebrated in a similar fashion after he returned to her home, excitement on his face. He was finally on the way to achieving his dreams. Riza was happy for him.

They were married in her hometown a month after he’d become a State Alchemist. Riza. Married at eighteen. Roy was twenty-one. Their relationship had gone into overdrive with everything progressing so quickly, yet Riza was oddly calm about the whole situation. It just felt right, after everything they’d been through.

“I know, I didn’t expect there to be so much,” Rebecca admitted. “But you deserve it, Riza.” 

Riza smiled gratefully at her friend. 

“Now, I know something that will definitely cheer you up. That good for nothing husband left you to run off to war,” Rebecca winked playfully. “I think it’s only fair you get to open all the presents.” 

Riza laughed quietly to herself. Surrounded by all this wonderful company and these amazing people who would do anything to make her day brighter or happier, Riza was sure she would be cheered up today. It would be just what she needed.

[lovemesomesurveys]

*Following the trend and re-taking and responding to my very first survey on here from December 2014...SIX years ago!*

Are you attracted to the last person that kissed you? Sigh. Very much so. <<< Wow, that was when I was all in love Joseph. I’ve long since moved on. 

What did you do yesterday? I’ve been on break for the past week and I can honestly say I haven’t really done anything. It’s been kinda nice. <<< Back when I was in school and doing something with my life and had breaks to look forward to. Now I’ve been on break since 2015 and doing absolutely nothing. Anyway, yesterday I slept in past 3PM, had my coffee, checked social medias, played Animal Crossing, watched a few episodes of The Gilmore Girls, had dinner and chilled with my mom the rest of the night while watching another special on the ID channel (they’re doing a different one every night all this week).

Something you really want right now? Hmm. I don’t really want anything at this exact moment. <<< I’d love for this hot, gross, miserable weather to go away and to just fast forward to autumn.

What were you doing an hour ago? Making this side blog. <<< Awww, can’t believe I’ve had it for six years now. An hour ago I was scrolling through Tumblr and listening to ASMR.

If you could seek revenge on someone would you? Nahh. I’m not revengeful. <<< Yeah, I’ve never been a vengeful person.

Does any part of your body hurt right now? Nope. <<< Yes.

Did anyone see you kiss the last person you kissed? Sighhhh. It’s been like two years since I’ve kissed anyone. I feel so deprived of any affection. The situation with me and ~him is complicated. Isn’t it always? <<< Ohhh boy, it most certainly was. Ha, if I felt deprived then imagine six years later.

Can you recall the last time you liked someone? Yep. Right this very second. I more than like him at this point, but like I said. It’s complicated. <<< It was such a mess. I don’t know why I allowed it to go on as long as it did. :/ I should have known nothing was going to change. Since that time with Joseph, I fell in love with Ty and I thought that was actually going to lead to something, but surprise, surprise it did not.

Would you ever get a tattoo? I want to. I’m just a big ol’ baby. <<< Yep, still am. I highly doubt I’ll ever get it done.

Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now? HA. That’s funny. <<< *Spongebob transition thing: Six. Years. Later.* Still single!

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? Uhh. Probs my mom yesterday when she called from work. <<< My mom yesterday when she called from the store.

Who was the last person you talked to in person? My brother. <<< Yep.

What plans do you have for tomorrow? Coffee with Amanda. Maybe get some more Christmas shopping done. Hopefully! <<< Omggg, back when I had friends and actually did stuff! ha. And aww, Christmas shopping. Wow, going out and doing things back when we weren’t going through a worldwide pandemic. Presently, I don’t have any plans for tomorrow.  

Has a friendship ended recently that you wish had not? Not recently, but yes a friendship has ended that I wish had not. <<< All my friendships ended a few years ago...

What are you listening to right now? Hey Arnold. <<< An ASMR video.

What happened at 9:00 am today? It hasn’t been 9am yet, but I imagine my ass will be on the couch scrolling through Tumblr and watching tv. Exciting stuff, guys. <<< Ha, you won’t catch my ass up at 9AM anymore. I’ll be sleeping.

Ever given your ALL to someone who walked away? Yes. I put my heart on the line and they walked away. Awesome. <<< Yepppp. Twice.

Have you ever kissed the last person you texted? Nooo. <<< Just on the cheek.

Do you and your last ex hate each other? Nah. We don’t talk, but there’s no hard feelings. <<< Same.

What are you afraid of? Life. Death. <<< That sums it up quite well. Short and precise. 

When was the last time you were sick? Always. <<< True. I’ve also been getting this gross nauseous feeling that comes and goes that hits at random. As for a virus or something of that sort, I had a cold back in April.

Are you one of those people who are always cold? No. Although, I am right now. <<< Nooo, definitely not. I’m someone who seems to be hot a lot of the time. Like now. I wish I was cold. 

Where are your biological parents? In their room. Sleeping. <<< That’s where they are now, too. I swear they haven’t been there since then. ha.

Do you have any summer plans yet? I wish. It’s still awhile away, though. It could change. <<< There won’t be any summer plans this year.

Do you tend to waste a lot of money? On food. Always. <<< I don’t spend much on food anymore, actually. I’ve gotten better about my online shopping, too. I’ve been better at saving money these days than I used to be.

Last thing that you said out loud? “Goodnight, Jon.” <<< “Goodnight.” I’ve pretty much always done my surveys at night, so.

Do you have trust issues? It’s not really trust issues. I just have a hard time opening up in general. <<< Still have that problem. I keep a lot to myself. I’m not at all open like I am on here.

Do you think this year will be better than the last? This year is just about over, which is crazy. I always hope the next year will be better, but there’s always something. <<< Omg. This survey was done in 2014. The next year I graduated UC and shortly after that is when things started going downhill. :/

What are you doing? This pretty much. My tv is on, but it’s background noise. <<< Same, but I’m also listening to an ASMR video.

Are you a jealous person? Yes, but not like psycho jealous. You probably wouldn’t even know it. <<< Yeah. I haven’t felt jealous in a longgg time, though.

Do you think age matters in relationships? Well, yes. To an extent. <<< Yep.

When was the last time you got a haircut? I think maybe back in July. Or a little before then. I’m trying to grow out my hair now. I’m over short hair. <<< My hair was so short then, but now it’s down to my butt! I just got a couple inches cut off back in February.

Do you know anyone that smokes weed? Tons of people. <<< Yep.

Who is the last person you rode in a car with? Mom & brother. <<< My brother.

What is one thing you’d love to happen tomorrow? I’d like to get more Christmas shopping done. My plans for that are still up in the air. I can’t believe Christmas is already next week like wth??? That went by SO FAST. <<< Uhhh, perhaps get Wingstop for dinner.

Did you sing at all today? Yes. <<< Not so far.

Do you look more like your mom or your dad? My mom. <<< Yeah, that hasn’t changed.

Where will you be 2 hours from now? In bed asleep. <<< Right here in bed, probably reading for a bit.

Are there any stressful situations in your life? A few. <<< A lot.

Are your lips chapped at the moment? Nope I’m good thanks for asking. <<< Ugh, yes. I keep licking them because I have fans blowing on me all day.

When you met the person you now love, what happened?: Uh well we met through a mutual. Nothing happened right away. He pursued me first after awhile, but I wasn’t interested initially. Boy did that change. <<< I don’t understand why he did that. He was never interested in really pursuing anything with me, but sure made me think that and I fell for him. He knew how I felt about him and he kept playing me. ANYWAY, I don’t currently love anyone in the romantic sense.

Did you realize anything today?: No, but it’s early. <<< Not so far.

What do you need right now?: Sleep probably. <<< Yeah, I definitely need that.

What’s your favorite food?: Mongolian BBQ. <<< Man, I was obSESSED with Mongolian BBQ for the longest. I miss that. D: I can’t eat spicy food anymore, sadly. Ugh, it was SO good. My favorite food now is garlic parm and lemon pepper wings from Wingstop.

How are you feeling today?: Just kind of whatever. It’s 1 in the morning. <<< Hot and tired and blah.

What is your biggest fear?: Life and death. <<< We went over this already in this survey...

Describe your looks to us: Ugly? Ha. I don’t know. Look at my avatar. <<< Yeah, look at my avatar. 

Have you ever woke up next to someone and wanted to puke? UH no I can honestly say I have not. <<< Nope, thankfully.

What are you listening to right now? Degrassi. <<< An ASMR video still. 

Are you afraid of death? Very. <<< Yes.

Do you open up to people easily? No. It takes a lot. <<< I’m still that way. Even people I’m close with I still struggle with that.

Do you miss anyone? So very much. <<< There’s always a few loved ones I’ll miss that have passed away.

What are you going to do tomorrow? I feel like I’ve been asked this a billion times. <<< For real, we’ve been over this. 

Does any part of your body hurt right now? Noooo. <<< Yes.

[drop-killa]

Being Honest

**trigger warning: diet culture, purging, and self-loathing** This isn’t a post where I’m self-loathing about my diet culture; it’s a piece of writing about being completely honest and raw about my personal experiences.

So this whole entire blog started because I made an Instagram account, a private one apart from my regular public one, as a form of accountability on my fitness journey. My goals of this fitness journey are to return back to the size I was before I got foot surgery 6 months ago and fit back into my old jeans. THAT BEING SAID I only want to lose 20-30lbs... THAT BEING SAID I am 5′5″ and my goal weight is around 180-190lbs. That’s not most peoples goal weight but I am just a whole lotta woman. I quickly gained weight after both serious injuries I’ve had in my life and I am having a lot of trouble losing it this second time around. Moving on: life is not all about losing weigh but I am uncomfortable. My goal weight is not 120lbs ok? It’s just to return to a normal comfortable size where my clothes fit.

I have been posting “everyday” on my countdown to Bonnaroo in June of 2020. I started typing out this super long caption and I decided it deserved a better home. This blog post doesn’t have to make sense to anyone but me.

Ok so I deleted IG off my phone and honestly I have missed: pictures of cats, rave memes, and posting on my private account.

I've been home alone for almost 2 weeks and I have been absolutely destroying my diet. By diet I just mean "general intake of nutritious food"

I'm not ON a diet: it's a word to explain your nutritional intake

My mom and I live together. She’s pretty woke for being born in 1968 and having lived through an entirely different period of diets and cultural norms but she definitely still has some pretty toxic diet relationships that she will never unlearn. So unfortunately I grew up in a household with some seriously toxic food and diet conversations. I remember when I first hit puberty and started showing cellulite on the back of my thighs my mom was making me do pilates with her because she was convinced I would hate myself when I got older for having cellulite.

She's been out of town.

Being out of the sight of someone who definitely judges me for what I eat is actually doing more damage than being around her. One greasy day of eating shouldn't budge the scale but 2 weeks of greasy eating surely will....

The extent to which I binge is absolutely unbelievable. My relationship with food is not healthy but not in the way that I’m always seeing being talked about online. Right now it’s super acceptable to be have recovered from an ED like anorexia and accepting the fact that you’re 130lbs instead of 100lbs and workout a lot. The people I see preaching about accepting their bodies, besides Ashley Graham and Tess Holiday, are not the kind of bodies that I can relate to.

I feel like my life will be a forever battle against chewing my nails until they bleed, and potential obesity just sitting over the horizon. I don’t know if that’s normal or that’s a real worry I should have.

I used to binge AND purge. BAD. I really don’t like when people describe foods as “bad” or “oh I was so good today” because that’s obviously a socially acceptable toxic mindset that I would not like to participate in. On the other hand: Purging IS bad. Eating yourself sick with the intention to puke it up afterwards is bad bad bad. I take full responsibility for my own self harm and I also can remember exactly where it started. My best friend, my day one and my forever girl, took about a year apart from each other unintentionally and sowed our own wild oats. She got a boyfriend and I hung around a girl who smoked cigarettes and lost weight by bulimia. I was so inspired by the idea that I could eat anything in the fucking world and just throw it up after and i fucking did. I have been battling depression for what feels like my entire fucking life and this was a super low point, historically, that I saw as a super high point at the time. A lightbulb went off. I don’t think I ever even binged that bad before this time. And unfortunately  the damage cannot be undone.

I have a shit history of self harm- I'm not gonna go into those details. Being an intelligent teenager is difficult and that's another story.

I am known for talking and being unashamed and being honest and open and trying to relate to people on a real level. There are some really uncomfortable and disturbing traumatic experiences in my life that I just won’t ever want to talk about. I never want them to be the subject of any discussion. This is one of the biggest secrets I ever kept. I don’t know that I was ashamed at the time but I liked it so much that I didn’t want to share it with anyone else. I knew what other people would have to say about it and I didn’t want to have to stand there and react and pretend like I was going to change while they gasped and scolded me.  It’s actually kind of funny because tumblr was the BIBLE for kids with eating disorders. All of the realest, darkest information for frustrated teens was on tumblr back in the day. It was the dark teenagers of my generations gateway into the depths of human psyche. It was the first place I read about kids who fucking hated themselves and look- here I am telling this story for the first time on the only vessel I ever learned it on in the first place. Tumblr has always been a safe anonymous place for self-loathing.

I don’t know that this story was ever going anywhere specific and that’s why it was moved from an IG caption to an entire blog. I don’t know that I’ve ever hated myself but I have treated myself so, so poorly.

So I’ve been home alone for 2 weeks and I have been binging so much. I have been such a fucking anxious mess and I appreciated the space during this time because I don’t always want to explain myself - sometimes I just wanna fucking cry my eyes out while I’m blow drying my hair. I do miss having people around to remind myself of normal functions of life like: vegetables and sleep and normal bed times. I’m giving up on this post but I like typing better than journaling so I believe I will continue.

[thepandistory]

I am sharing a reflection here from 2019 written by Yasietha Krishnakulasingam who relates the “Pandi” film to her own relationship with mental health struggles. She contacted me this year to let me know how the film had made an impact on her. Thank you Yasietha for sharing this deeply honest and bold piece!  - Saroja Ponnambalam

“I wrote this over a year ago. I didn’t feel like I could share this at the time. The path to addressing my mental health hasn’t been a straightforward one; it’s one that has seen momentum and lulls in equal measure, with both hurdles and, thankfully, help. I’m sharing this because I think watching this documentary helped push me to begin addressing my mental health and I am grateful for that. I wanted to take a moment to acknowledge the varying external factors that affect mental health; things like access to affordable housing, the reality of precarious employment, student debt and structural forms of discrimination, just  to name a few. I think part of our responsibility to one another is addressing these issues.

Pandi

I recently attended a screening of the documentary Pandi, hosted by South Asian Visual Arts Centre (SAVAC) and Tangled Art + Disability. After the question and answer period I left the screening eager for the privacy to collect my thoughts and then proceeded to spend the drive home crying. I arrived home greeted by my resigned mother, pleading with me to tell her what was wrong. If you don’t tell me how will I understand? I think to some extent my mother does understand, despite lacking the formal language to create a conversation around mental health, I know my mother understands my loneliness, I know that in some ways we are a reflection of each other. I know that her desire to see me married is her misguided attempt to address it. We repeat history, inhaling the past and exhaling the only future we know.

I told myself that I wanted to write a review of this documentary—I think what I really wanted was to write.  I wanted to write to Pandi. I wanted to talk to him about his scripts. I wanted to stand alongside him as he burned money and tell him that I too am tired. I wanted to tell him that I see him and in seeing him I can no longer avoid looking at myself.

But I can’t tell him these things because he is dead.  Pandi killed himself.

The documentary Pandi, directed by his niece Maria-Saroja Ponnambalam, is an exploration of the life of this young filmmaker—a continuous struggle between creative expression and financial pragmatism that is compounded by deteriorating mental health.

As a new immigrant to Canada Pandi moves in with his brother Ponnu and his young family, father of director Maria-Saroja. Within 2 months, upon the insistence of his family, he is working odd jobs to make money. At one point he is working 80 hours a week with the goal of saving enough money to both finance his scripts and show the Canadian Government that he is stable enough to sponsor a fiancé when the time comes. Despite interventions with counselling and medication, Pandi’s mental health continues to worsen in Canada. Ponnu suggests he move back to India, informing his sister in Chennai that she should watch over him, with the instructions to make sure he take “all the  medications”.

In India Pandi continues to write, with the mounting pressure to fulfill his financial obligations, he talks openly about suicide. His nephew discusses how Pandi would write dates on chits of paper, asking him to choose his final date, alluding to the day he would kill himself.  One day Pandi is found dead hanging from the ceiling in his bedroom.

It is only years later uncovering Pandi’s old super 8 reels in Canada that Maria-Saroja Ponnambalam  begins questioning what happened to her sick uncle Pandi. How had Pandi become reduced to boxes and unspoken memories? Through home videos, animations of her uncles scripts and very personal interviews with family members, Maria-Saroja pieces together a picture of Pandi’s  life. Pandi keeps writing, keeps creating scripts even as life pressures him to conform to a more conventionally productive life. In one animation depicting a scene from one of Pandi’s scripts, Pandi exclaims to a lover Reena that “I am not a good person to marry��.

It is a common mistakenly held belief that people who talk about suicide do not actually commit the act. When Pandi discusses suicide with his family it is brushed aside as a means of seeking attention   During the Q/A session, Indu  Vashist, executive director of SAVAC, raised an important point, what is so wrong with giving someone attention?

Gomathi, Pandi’s sister, discusses this dilemma briefly in the film, stating that her family was able to give Pandi love and affection to an extent, but that as a grownup “he has to look after himself”. I found myself thinking about this, that maybe we have somehow conditioned ourselves and the people around us into profound loneliness. How do we create community when we are surrounded by the siloes created under the grand pretext of romantic love?

I think it is possible that we resent people who openly display their pain and ask for help because too many of us have been taught to suffer in silence. Some of us go on to ultimately wrap our pain in art —to create as a form of catharsis, a kind of inversion. I think there is something meaningful in that. But if someone writes a beautiful poem about how painful their existence is, can we respond in a way that amounts to more than a facebook like? Maybe if we can find compassion for others, we can extend some of that compassion to ourselves.  

Maria Saroja, reflecting on the film during the Q/A session believes she may have been too harsh on her family, recognizing that dealing with one’s own mental health and the mental health of family members is often a complicated process. We are not all mental health professionals—these people exist for a reason. However I am realizing more and more that we have a responsibility to one another, to reach out to one another without shame not only when we are suffering, but when we see that others are suffering too. Even as I write this I know how difficult it is, how difficult it is to breach the cocoon of our busy lives and reach out to others. I feel myself falling into a kind of commuter apathy, trying to get home through the path of least resistance. I look out the window of the train and know that I have become a passenger in my own life.

I know I am depressed. I know that sleeping away my time is a coping mechanism. I know I have dissociated from myself to get through day to day living. I know I prioritize making money over experiencing joy. I know I am finally trying to address some of these issues.

What happens when we do not have the language to address our mental health needs with our families? When the stigma shrouds conversations in shame? Mental health problems may not feel tangible, but their consequences are tangibly felt by those suffering. The film Pandi beautifully and honestly addresses mental health in a Tamil family, art that is cross-culturally accessible opens the possibility for conversations.

 As the film ends with shots of Pandi, an almost haunting panorama on a balcony in Toronto, there is a visceral awareness that his was a life that sought expression and ultimately witness. So I find myself unable to look away, grateful to his niece, film maker Maria Saroja Ponnambalam for piecing together fragments of his life.

Pandi turns the camera onto the viewer, focuses the lens and asks the question, what happens after you confront the truth?

How do we heal”

Yasietha Krishnakulasingam

[dontdowhatisayandnobodygetshurt]

Interesting story, you say? Let's hear it!

oof okay friendo buckle up bc it’s a bumpyass ride!!

So, the first thing y’all need to know is that poltergeists aren’t actually ghosts/spirits, per say. They’re energy, created by people, and they most often linger in houses. You know how some places feel really good when you step inside?? That’s good energy. It means not a lot of bad stuff has happened in that place, and the owners/the house are happy. Poltergeists are what happen when a lot of negative shit is going on. It might be because of hard times/a dysfunctional family/an abusive or unhealthy relationship/etc. If something unpleasant is going on, especially for an extended amount of time, a poltergeist will start to form. It’s inevitable. And it is important to note, if there is a person who is sensitive to energy/emotions/spirits, they will A) be able to add more to the poltergeist than anyone else (with or without knowing it), and B) will be more sensitive to the affects.

Now that all that’s out of the way:

our old house has one fuck of a poltergeist, mates.

My granddad (my Dad’s dad) is very sick, so we had to stop our happy caravan travels around Australia and buy a (very cheap and old) house in the middle of a literal desert to be closer to him (and did so immediately, of course.) It was a whiplash from having the time of our lives to being stuck in the little worse situation (for us.)

Everybody was worried about my granddad, we got little to no rain ever, there were a lot of thunder storms (which our dogs hate) and high winds, it got to 50 degrees Celsius in summer, we had animals to take care of (3 dogs, 3 chickens and 2 ducks) and in winter we didn’t even have to light the fire often, we were isolated from all our family and friends, and so poor from the sudden unexpected stop of our trip that sometimes we couldn’t afford food.

To put it simply: hard times.

Signs of a poltergeist:

A general uncomfortable/nervous/depressed feeling whenever you walk into the house, even if nothing is technically ‘wrong’

Things mysteriously vanishing/cupboard doors opening/strange noises/unsettled animals

Nightmares (especially ones that seem specifically targeted at things that you fear most or that upset you the most)

Odd red marks on your body (insect bites/scratches/dots)

The sensation of being watched

Drafts where there weren’t any drafts before

General feeling of not being alone/safe even when you are

Sudden mood swings (especially to extreme anger or extreme sadness)

More of a tendency to argue than usual

Catastrophic thoughts

Intrusive/bad thoughts

Depression/lethargy

Bad luck (everything that should go right always seems to go wrong)

Never seeming to be able to be truly happy in the house

you get the gist, bad shit

[note: if any of these things are happening, I strongly advise you go to your doctor and psychologist before anything else]

It started off small at first. About a year in to our stay in the house. I started feeling drafts on the back of my neck when I tried to sleep. As I said, we’d lived here for a year, so I kind of knew what to expect from the house by now. I knew which boards creaked/etc. But it was not one of the many windy days, and the draft wasn’t sporadic. It was like a rhythum. Almost like somebody was literally leaning over the bed and breathing on the back of my neck. It got so bad and so regular I could feel it moving my hairs (back when  I had long hair) and tickling my face. But when I turned over to look, I couldn’t see anything. It didn’t happen all the time, even on the windy days. It was just some nights, which made it even weirder. (Note: I checked my window was shut and even slept with my door closed a few nights to see. It still happened.)

More small things started happening. Pens would go missing. The dogs were unsettled a lot. Any plants we tried to keep in the house died. We all started to feel edgy for no reason, started to have more arguments than we’ve ever had before. Everybody started to feel uneasy. It got to the point where I was scared to shut my eyes. Once, I had a run of almost a week of horrific nightmares, one after the other, every single night I had the same type of dream, where my dog was in agony and the only thing I could do to help her was to kill her with my bare hands. Again, I was terrified to go to sleep. I dreaded it. My Mum and Dad started to feel the exact same way.

My Mum started getting weird insect bite marks every single night. Two red dots, like a spider bite. She washed all the sheets, even tried sleeping in different rooms. Still woke up with them every morning, all over her body. My Dad and I took turns sharing the bed with her, but we never had the same bites. Though one morning I did wake up to my leg stinging, and it turned out there were two long, raw scratches down the inside of my thigh (there was nobody/nothing in the bed with me that could have done it, it was fresh, and I bite my fingernails to stubs out of anxiety so I couldn’t have made such a defined, clear scratch myself.) In our last few weeks in the house, my Dad actually got bitten by something while in bed, his finger bled and everything, but nothing was there, he stayed up for an hour on a work night just to find evidence of a mouse or something to please his skeptic mind, couldn’t find anything.

Worth noting is that my Mum and I both believe in the paranormal (and are sensitive to it), but my Dad doesn’t. And even he started mentioning the fact that he “felt like he was being watched” and that he was having a lot of bad dreams. And, here’s the kicker: he was having intrusive thoughts. Not ‘I’m gonna kill my family’ or anything like that, but things like “Dad’s not going to get better. I’m a failure. What’s the point? I’m worthless. Everybody hates me.” And you should all know, my Dad is THE most chipper, happiest, most positive peanut on the planet. He’s the only mentally healthy one in our little family and he NEVER thinks things like that. Not even when he is under intense stress. One night he even said he heard something in the room with him, clear as day, he was absolutely 100% sure one of the dogs had somehow gotten into the room, but when he looked, there was nothing there.

At that point, my Mum and I started to rethink the steep decline of our mental health. Because we’d always had problems, but not to this extent. We were having the exact same bad thoughts, but hadn’t really thought twice about it, since we’re The Mentally Unhealthy y’know. We started to rethink things: how instantly we’d feel better when we stepped out of the house, all the weird marks, all the weird dreams and drafts and noises and disappearing objects and everything else. I was also having a lot of headaches/stomach aches/nose bleeds at this point. It was honestly like you’d fall into a trance whenever you stepped into the house; it honest to god felt like you had the life slowly drained out of you. Even our goddamn neighbours noted it when they came over to visit.

The only way to get rid of a poltergeist is a crap-ton of sage and white light, and by starving it - getting rid of all the negative energy in your own lives and forcing yourself to be more positive. At this point though, we were already planning on moving out, so we didn’t really have time… and our situation wasn’t improving, either, so hard to be positive. Long story short, we toughed it out, and moved.

I should tell you, even though technically these last few months in this new house have probably been the most stressful and depressing few months we’ve ever had - we’ve all been sleeping like babies, we’ve had no more of the weird thoughts or depression, no more nightmares, no more weird drafts, all our animals have been perfectly content, and we’ve had no more red marks. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I think my Dad may not be quite so skeptical anymore, tbh. 

[nikkyschoolblog-blog]

PUT YOUR PHONE DOWN (yes that’s the title)

We are surrounded by it. Is there ever a time when you don’t have your phone in your pocket? Everywhere we look it is Instagram this and facebook that. Oh you only got 100 likes? Guess your picture is not good enough to be showcased to the world. How many times a day do you think you look at your phone? How about a computer or any type of a screen? Every day we are constantly reminded that we are choosing to compare ourselves to the people around us. Social media of all sorts fills our heads with unrealistic expectations of reality. How do you contribute to society? American culture has evolved tremendously over the past few decades mostly due to the media and technology. My development as a young adult has also been heavily impacted by the media and it has transformed me into the savage queen I am today.

Can you even think about a time when people were not so readily available on social media? It boggles my mind to think that in the 80s when my parents were alive that they could not just call their friends on their personal cell phones. I remember growing up when I was taught to call up my friend on the home phone and say “Hello sir this is Nicole Bernier calling I was wondering if Naomi was available to have a play date?” And then I would wait patiently for Naomis Dad to go ask her if she wanted to bike over to my house. Nowadays kids don’t even talk to each other! The children I coach already have their own instagram accounts and get 3 times the amount of likes I do. I cant imagine being so young in a world of technology trying to figure out how they want to be viewed by society. Even as a young adult, I continue to waste my time stressing about how I want others to view me. We get here to college and expect that everyone has got their life path figured out when most of us have absolutely no clue what we are doing and spend more time on Snapchat than we do writing an essay.

When you turn on the radio there is a large chance that it will be some rapper singing about drugs, money or chicks. It’s tasteless how famous people want to present themselves by trying to promote bad behaviors. But oh no everyone loves Ariana Grande and Drake and how “lavish” their lifestyle is. How Nicki Minajs butt implants and Kylie Jenners lip injections are the new craze. Statistics have shown that the younger generations are more insecure due to the conveniency of social media and how the celebrities choose to promote themselves. The media can have a negative impact on certain people especially children because they often compare themselves with these unrealistic standards we are constantly surrounded with.

As an avid 50s music listener, I truly find it interesting how the lyrics of most of the songs are about love and romance or true heartbreak. It’s pretty rad how that is an artifact in itself and its so readily available to us all the time. It also shows how the music culture has changed over the years. Most kids I’ve met think my music taste is weird or what “my grandma listens to” but honestly in a world of people listening to the same genre, I like to be unique. I think everyone should give a good listen to some Dion and the Heartbreaks or Frank Sinatra and at least give it a chance.

So just a couple of months ago I had to go on a cleanse. Not a juice cleanse or a bath full of Lysol, no I mean I had to delete all social media off my phone because it was making me unhappy. Surprisingly (or unsurprisingly) the people I surround myself with told me that it also made them feel insecure and that they would be better off without it. This sparked my interest and I did a poll on instagram seeing how many people disliked social media and the results had me shook. More than half of my followers that answered said that they hated it. Why do we keep these apps on our phone if our happiness is not benefited by using them? I chose to be happy and after I deleted my instagram facebook and Snapchat I felt 1000% more productive.

Unfortunately I caved in after 2 months and redownloaded them because there was no way I was going to Europe and not showing the world pictures of how delightful my vacation was. I posted a whole bunch of fabulous pictures but in reality I was sick nearly the entire time so I couldn’t enjoy myself to the fullest extent. I posed and pretended I wasn’t hacking up a lung and I was thrilled to see that people “liked” my vacation more than I did.

Don’t get me wrong I’m the queen of taking pictures to the point where my mom is like “Nicole I am not going to be your photographer. Put your phone away.” I have to catch myself sometimes and remember that I am not living to please random people on social media. I am living for the experiences, for the laughs and the genuine connections.

Pictures were made to capture a moment but why force happiness to present a life you are not living? It’s almost like propaganda in a way because were only showing one side of how we live. Hey if you’re as happy as every single post on your insta then go you that’s awesome but most people can agree that life is not always just the happy moments. That’s the thing. Most people use these platforms to only show the attractive parts of their lives. It’s all just a game of comparison and perception. But who’s life really is the best? Are you genuinely happy in that picture you take on the beach with your butt hanging out of your bikini and Gucci handbag just so convenient placed in the frame of the picture?

When I think of media and pop culture I think of how my goal as a child was to literally become Sandy from Grease when she was all decked out in her red lipstick, leather pants and a cigarette hanging out of her mouth. I though she was the coolest person ever. I watched that movie on REPEAT because it was the only PG13 movie my mom allowed me to watch on my DVD player. Within a few years I was that kid who started smoking as a teen because I thought it looked “cool”. Now I’m stuck with a nasty habit that everyone thinks is gross because the media evolved to somehow make smoking cigarettes uncool but vaping apparently pretty dang cool. Guess I’m just a few years late.

When you’re young you need some kind of an idol or a person to admire. When I was a preteen I listened to Eminem and really resonated with his lyrics. His anger lit a fire within me and I became more and more defiant the longer I listened to him. I chose to be influenced by his freedom of speech and it gave me confidence to deliberately act upon my impulsive behavior. Parents hated Eminem because he got fame for promoting violence and presented himself in a negative way. I related to the fact that he was misunderstood yet also didn’t care about how people viewed him. As much as I want to forget 2008 me I will always remember how the music I listened to impacted my life and decisions at the time.

Speaking of 2008, I remember having a flip phone and trying to hold it still for about 4 seconds to make sure the pixelated picture did not come out too blurry. Now we have 12 year olds editing their face and their body on photoshop because that’s what the instagram models do. They wont ever understand how hard it was to type the s on the flip phones with no alphabet keypad. I was out here responding to texts hours late with one word answers and now here I am texting paragraphs like its none of my business.

Technology and the media is constantly evolving and shaping our culture into what it is today. It is changing so rapidly by incorporating technology into every little task and as much as I hate it I know that it plays an important role in who I am as an individual and how I choose to be viewed by others. People like to communicate with each other and that is why social media exists but there is a fine line between using it for practical purposes and allowing it control your life. To this day I struggle with using my phone as a tool rather than a time suck. Maybe Ill just pack my bags, and venture out into the wilderness to escape this crazy tech era. Hopefully they’ll have an outlet for my iPhone charger though.

[wandering-dogs]

So I want to babble some more about bibble stuff, but I kept that one post ‘short’ for a reason; I left out most of the things I think may just be Wander-Specific, for whatever reason. So this is going to be a very long post about One Dog in Particular.

First; He only loves me. Okay yeah, he loves my family too, but like, its not the same. You want him to follow one of them? Oh, okay, he’ll herd them! No, that’s not what you want? You wanted him to follow them like he does me, where its just quiet and attentive, except not at me??? No, that wont work. He decided that much. He follows me into the bathroom, into the back yard, into my room, into the room I work on crafts, the front yard, the kitchen, the living room, other people’s rooms, my neighbors house, my neighbors yard, kitchen, living room... You get the idea. Wherever I am, he wants to be. And I can tell you with 100% accuracy, without looking at him, where he is when I am in each room. I don’t have to go /looking/ for this dog. He isn’t what I’d call a creature of habit, but he’s a loyal creature nonetheless.

And on the topic of He Only Loves Me... This extends to his breeder. A trait that I thought was really cool when talking to her and finding out about her dogs was that all her puppies that go away, if and when they visit, Recognize her. They know who she is! I got to even see that. And it didn’t seem to matter how long it had been, either. Spoiler alert; Wander is not like that. I don’t know why, but when we went to visit her last time, he acted like he barely knew her. She was basically a stranger, honestly. She tried to examine his merle markings, and he locked up until I /very gently/ touched his leg, which he then relaxed for her. He didn’t come to her, though his recall is amazing, and actually one of the few things that often extends to people he knows. (Oh, did I not mention that he only listens to me and people we know? Weird.) He did not /care/ about her at all, and you could tell; It was not something she was used to or expecting. From this, I can only assume it’s not a normal border collie thing.

A side note on that; You could tell his puppies at the time from the rest. They were calmer, more prone to laying down near a person... But you could see the fact that none of Us were their people. It was a visible difference from the bird-like swarm of hive mind puppies that were running amok and terrorizing my little sister’s shoes (i have several photos of her with the puppies, its like a pack of hungry tribbles) ((I’ve since been able to get updates from one of the puppies owners btw and the pup is turning out gorgeous, and I’m so excited to see her grow))

He does /not/ get along with strange dogs. And this isn’t necessarily his fault. We used to go to a dog park because it was pretty quiet, open, and most owners were good. Its gone rather downhill since, but we stopped going a while ago, because even if we were training or just using it as an area for longer-distance fetch, dogs would run over and start shit. Even dogs that were playing with other dogs at the time would literally stop, see Wander, and run over to fuck with him. Which ends up in him being like “Don’t be a douche” and snapping at them before returning, which somehow translates into /Wander is a dick/???? I’m not really sure what the logic there is. But after a few repeat incidents, we’ve just stopped going. This trait of dogs not-liking him also extends to nor only other border collies, but his own /relatives/! When we went to the border collie family reunion, he got to run wild with a bunch of his relatives. And while he was a bit obnoxious, he recalled well when he misbehaved, and for the most part just hung out with me. Despite this, if he went near to sniff most of the other dogs, they would growl or snap at him, something they weren’t doing with the other border collies. So something about him is apparently so strange that even his relatives don’t like it. Which is fine by me, since he has a few dog friends we hang out with, and is working on ignoring strange dogs better anyways, but... It’s less great in the fact that introducing him to new dogs, even if he’s not staring, ends up in the other dog misbehaving most of the time. (honestly it worries me a bit for dog sports)

He doesn’t like food. Now, I touched on this a bit before in the Big Post, but I didn’t really explain what I meant. Or, I did, but not the extent. He doesn’t like Food. When we got him, he was on Victor; His breeder was even kind enough to give us some of the same brand for him, in case we didn’t have any. He refused it. As in, he would literally rather eat the adult dog food. So, for a while, we switched him to that, and let Simon finish off his puppy food. Not ideal, but he was eating at least! Except that made him sick. So, puppy version of the food we were getting the other dogs! That should work! And it did, for a bit. Actually, he was p fond of it for a while. And then suddenly didn’t want that either. So I started putting it in a ball, so he had to work for it, which, hey, look, he’s eating again!! How nice!!! Surprise, that didn’t last. We moved him onto adult food since he was finally old enough, and he did well. Then he stopped eating that for the most part. When I say he stopped eating, I mean I could only feed him at 1am with nobody else awake while I played overwatch, or he would just stare at me. We changed brands, it worked for a week, he was over it. We repeated. Changed brands. Changed flavors. Rotated through what he ate previously. He still to this day only eats late at night, with Pandora in a crate (because she’s a theif) while I’m playing video games, if everyone else is asleep. Which made camping very difficult, as he would only eat a bit at a time until I figured out if I put just a few crumbs of something good on top, he’d finish off the mini camping bowl of food. But then he’d not eat again. Even if he was hungry. This also extends to treats, which are hit or miss; He won’t take meat sometimes, but he took milkbones at the Vets?????

He only walks well on a collar. And even then, as soon as I put heel to a Word, he now only walks well if I cue it. Which you’re like, “Oh, that makes sense, you just have to retrain it/You didn’t train him on a harness” Wrong. His entire puppy life, he could slip out of a collar. As soon as we figured that out, he was a harness dog. It took until he was almost 2 years old for him to learn llw. I actually ended up giving up for several months because I’d been trying for so long that it was just frustrating me, and the frustration was getting worse. Then, I took him out again; It clicked. Our 2 hour walk took half an hour. (its only a mile mind you) We did more walking training, he figured it out, we could do the block in 13 minutes. He did almost perfectly. He was loose leash next to yapping dogs, angry dogs, strollers, whatever I asked. And then I put it on a cue. Heel. It just meant “stand by my side” I’d already been using a small tug on the leash to cue it. Most of my cues are hand signals and words, so it seemed like a good plan. And he got it! And then immediately stopped being loose leashed unless I asked. Like literally he’s better off leash than with a leash on. And if he’s got a harness on? Good! Don’t bother clipping the leash to that, he’ll pull you harder than a sled dog. And that’s having walked him /with/ a set of huskies. Honestly I’m about a step away from hooking this dog up to a sled and hoping he avoids major roads on our journey into the wilderness; Honestly knowing him he’d use the sidewalks. But I don’t particularly want to be dog-sledded into jail for running people over, so that’s off the table for rn.