#shut up sammy

[novicecomics-personal]

There is this one troupe that keeps cropping up with Stanley & Xeno that I absolutely love and I'm living for it. It's that Xeno without Stanley is actually worse off whereas Stanley without Xeno is better.

They split ways after graduation and Stanley enlists. The military is harsh and stressful but not only does he survive; he thrives. In only a few years, he climbed the ranks. He commands a special unit and the whole unit puts their full faith in Stanley fucking Snyder. 

Xeno goes to school and is faced with not only immense stress and pressure to succeed, but he has to do all of it without his only support: Stanley. We can assume this based on the heavy parallels between him and Senku. Stanley is the equivalent of Senku’s full friend group since he’s the one who’s got great stamina, brute force, and talent in skill heavy tasks. Xeno finds kinship with Senku because he sees himself in the kid, except he didn’t have a mentor to guide him. Due to the heavy parallels we can also assume he had a situation like Senku where his parental figure wasn’t around much in his life. 

All that stress, a major lack of support, and finding himself trying to make up for the sudden hole left by Stanley who's shown to be a caretaker type to him? Xeno fucking cracks. He gets through school but he’s already changed. He’s got a malice that he brings with him to NASA and it only grows with the constant pressures placed on him by those who hold him back. Those cracks start to widen. His mentality falters and we see him go from the happier, innocent, science-loving doctor who started messaging with a talented boy to a man who’s ready to sell out the whole world in order to progress. 

The manga even alludes to this quick mental degeneration as the first few times he’s shown in the flashback chapter as being dressed in all white with a more relaxed demeanor.

The first panel that shows him touting the power of science is the first time in the flashback where he’s dressed in something black.

When it cuts to him giving the dictatorship speech we see him now dressed in a black coat entrenched in shadows. Even his eyebags get more and more noticeable during this change signifying the on-going stress in his life. 

What makes this the best troupe to me is that its importance hinges on one solid aspect of Stanley and Xeno’s relationship: Stanley needs Xeno. He can command his unit as needed but goes off of the orders given by Xeno. Xeno gets kidnapped? Stanley is the only one who actually cares enough to not only chase him halfway around the world but to conduct a full on operation just to save him. Even after he’s reanimated a second time, Stanley is *always* by Xeno’s side.

There’s something silently bittersweet about the whole situation. Xeno’s the only one who makes mention that *he* holds *Stanley* back and Stanley ignores it, opting instead to continue on his path. 

[novice-comics]

I'm just trying to draw but he keeps giving me bedroom eyes

[sammys-stupid-stories]

5th January 2024

The worst part about getting into Dr. Stone is seeing my past potential squandered.

So many of the fan comics and fics like to use tired troupes to emphasize how smart Senku or Dr. Xeno are. The main occurrence is skipping grades / graduating early. Every time I read those I'm stuck staring at myself and hating what I see because that was me once.

I used to be so fucking smart. I prided myself on being top of my class and having the best grades. I kept jumping into the hardest courses and taking AP classes. I had so much pride in my accomplishments when I was accepted into my high school's early college program. There were like, i don't remember, seven or so of us. A very low number. Only me and one other girl actually stuck with it and finished the program.

...she was the only one of us to graduate with an associates...

I keep trying to remind myself that I was subject to some seriously shitty events during that time that took me away from my studies. Away from my ambitions and any possible future plans. (Future plans I say, as if I wasn't thoroughly convinced that I was going to die as soon as I left school. That's all I had ever been good for. That's all my parents ever needed me for. Bragging rights.) It's hard not to blame it entirely on my family for causing me so much stress. I still remember the videos I made sharing my weekly life with my friend and how often I had to retake them because I would burst into tears over all the small things that piled up.

I chose working dead-end jobs over finishing the last course to complete my degree. I left college as a drop out at the end of the second year. A large chunk of that is because I was asked to walk at the spring ceremony despite not having my last credit. We all figured I'd just get the one class and be on my way at the end of the fall semester that followed. My mother made a big deal out of how it was like lying and how I didn't deserve it. How despite EVERYTHING I had done up to that point: all the tests, the classes, the essays, the awards, the perfect GPA; I was never enough.

I left home after that and some other bullshit about not deserving food if I was never home. How I felt ostracized and forgotten about and how I clung to any freedom I could get. I remember taking over-night shifts and early morning events to cater just so I could stay away from home a little longer. So I could have money to buy step-one-home-necessities for when I finally left.

I remember hiding each dollar-store purchase of cheap plastic cups and cookware in my closet hoping and praying to a deity I didn't believe in that she didn't decide to trash my room looking for reasons to yell at me. To shame and belittle the child who was never enough. I remember the fear of my food stash being discovered or worse yet, the small cut in one of my stuffed animals that hid hundreds of dollars I squirreled away for when I finally could leave.

I remember having a bad fight and an early morning in my car, cold in my car waiting in the back parking lot for classes to begin. Crying myself rotten before a unit final in French and how I blanked during the test. I remember the teacher taking me out to the hall to do the speaking portion and how she showed pitty telling me she knew I was having a hard time and that we could revisit the test later if I needed. I remember crying in my car after failing yet another math test after a different incident.

I remember sitting on the cold bathroom tiles in the middle of the night, sobbing my eyes out as I attempted to end my life...

It's easy to blame everyone and everything for abandoning academia. But now, now I have to live with the pointless existence I survive in. Retail job after retail job. Shitty apartments, bad bosses, repetitive disappointment, and a depression I have never been able to shake.

I want to try again. I want to make something of myself. I want to work towards something amazing.

I like space. I like science even if it's confusing and I can't understand it. I want something where I can observe the universe and live life under an observatory telescope. ...it's a pipe dream but I want to be an astronomer. Or even an astrophysicist. Both seem insane and impossible for the person I've become. I can't even remember names anymore thanks to how bad my depression has ruined my mind.

I want to dream a little. Shut my eyes and think about how I could be in a remote location like the arctic or maybe some unnamed desert in Nevada watching the stars and screens and taking data to send out. That's a life I might actually feel pride in.

how lame am I to take so much inspiration from a random fan comic?

[sammypompeius]

Listening to love songs without being in love is such a vibe honestly. Like no Swift I got no idea what you on about, song's a bop tho, get better soon🙏 xoxo

[sammylorian]

I restarted these meds and read 2 books in 24 hours and want to start the 3rd on right now and now I can’t sleep and this may be a problem.

[glitchedsoftware]

idk if this has been done BUT HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! SAMMY!!!! and batim chapter 2 ig

[is-sni-ovg]

it's so funny playing through pathologic 2 and getting used to artemy's longest dialogue options being, like, two or three sentences maximum, and then booting up the marble nest only to see dankovsky going on for full paragraphs at a time for literally any reason

[novelconcepts]

You know that feeling, when you’re listening to someone tell a story, and you can just feel in your gut that what actually happened is SO much darker than how they’re relaying it? And they’ve put a ton of effort in, right, to sand the edges down. They’ve gone over it a hundred times, beating all the wrinkles out, practicing like you’d practice a presentation or a stand-up routine. By the time they tell you the story, it’s perfect. You can’t help but be charmed by it. Can’t help but laugh at all the little silly bits. Can’t help but see it the way they want you to, so you don’t ask questions, you don’t dig in to the open wound just behind the plaster, you don’t let the certainty that it was Bad, Actually sweep you away. It’s just a fun anecdote now. Smile with them. Laugh with them. They’re here now, so it’s fine, right? Right?

I get the feeling that’s just Simone’s entire marriage to Taissa, and I feel so fucking bad for them both.

[xbloodjunkie]

Sam “we have guns and we’ll find you” Winchester wasn’t lying, he did in fact find and shoot god.

[brainfilehasstoppedworking]

If you're a Celeste fan, please don't try and come to her aid. This is my opinion, I suggest you don't read this. -Sam <3

Whenever I talk about Celestia and why I hate her to my friend (who likes Celeste and tries to defend her in every way possible) always tells me "Well, you should thank her for killing Hifumi who killed Taka." Like...no??? She's the person behind EVERYTHING in that plan. She lied about Taka "taking advantage of her sexually and blackmailing her with photos he took of her" just to get Hifumi to get rid of Taka.

Then she killed Hifumi.

And she seemed to not show any remorse. And for what?! MONEY?! Unlike Sayaka who did it for her friends, Celeste can go SUCK A DICK! No, I will never like her. Nor will I "thank her" for killing Hifumi. She manipulated Hifumi into killing an innocent person who was MENTALLY UNSTABLE!!! Using the computer SHE STOLE as a way to cope with the lost of his friend. And she took the other guy who was also obsessed with the computer and plotted against Taka who wasn't even the main target?? She was going to kill Hifumi anyways, why not just kill Hifumi and let Taka go???

Two lives were taken just so she could have MONEY! Fuck Celeste! Fuck Chapter 3! I hate that bitch! She's not girlboss, she's a sack of shit who shouldn't be defended.

[bestsiblingstournament]

Mable & Dipper VS Sam & Dean

Part A, Round 4, Match-Up 2

Mabel & Dipper have so far defeated Huey, Dewey & Louie, Luke & Leia Skywalker, and Remus & Romulus (roman mythology)

The Winchesters have so far defeated Cuphead & Mugman

[novicecomics-personal]

Sometimes I feel like if I made art and art videos for a smaller Fandom I would get more recognition

[novice-comics]

Fate's cruelest trick on me was showing me someone as beautiful as Stanley Snyder but not giving me the talent to draw this man

[sammys-stupid-stories]

2nd July 2023

Got a response for a rent application I recently put in. A lot is hinging on this and it's a big deal for a BIG change. It's a very conditional "eeeeehhhh yea for now" AKA a "conditional yes". So that very much does NOT help with the gut knotting anxiety produced by all of this.

I get that it's the first stage and I shouldn't get too worked up over it but also if I can get this one little thing worked out I can focus on lining everything else up in time.

I feel like I should follow up with extra info that they said effected me negatively due to uploading issues when applying but it's through a 3rd party and it's a big to-do to fix a couple small issues. I guess I'm just going to leave good enough be for now and address it if it turns bad later...?

[sammypompeius]

Like I get it, a girlfriend not wanting her bf to go spend alone time with a girl at her home makes sense. But I just wanna fucking watch code geass with my best friend and tell him all about suzalulu ughhhhhhh I wish our society didn't make this such a deal-breaker

[sammylorian]

This week has tested every part of my patience and emotions and I’m fucking exhausted.