#sings of adhd burnout

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

Hi everyone,

I found another article about ADHD burnout from WebMD. This will be another long excerpt, so I apologize:

ADHD Burnout

What Is Burnout?

Burnout can affect your home, work, and social life, says David Goodman, MD, assistant professor, Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at Johns Hopkins School of Medicine in Baltimore, director of the Adult Attention Deficit Disorder Center of Maryland, and an expert with CHADD (Children and Adults with Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder).

Goodman describes burnout this way:

You no longer take interest or pleasure in your normal activities.

You see allies (like co-workers) as enemies who are burdening you with more and more work.

You withdraw because you believe it’s impossible to get things done.

Why Can ADHD Make Burnout Worse?

The symptoms of ADHD – like not being organized, trouble paying attention, and poor time management – add to burnout.

ADHD burnout is a specific kind of burnout, says Amber Meeks, who has ADHD and is a mental health advocate from Murfreesboro, TN. Part of the problem is that “people with ADHD work harder to do the things most people do with little effort.”

Imagine yourself on an interactive exercise bicycle, Goodman says. You pedal faster and faster to try to keep up with others, your heart rate hits its peak and you can’t pedal any harder. But, even your best isn’t good enough and you fall behind the standard of others.

How Do You Know You're Burned Out?

Look for these ADHD burnout symptoms:

Lack of motivation:

“If you like working out 5 days a week, you’re probably not going to be doing that. Or, if you enjoy playing with your kids you’ll do less of that,” Goodman says.

Exhaustion

“You feel tired all the time no matter how much rest you get,” Meeks says.

Poor Performance

You may not be able to focus on the work at hand. “It may feel impossible to do anything, even when it’s really important,” Meeks says.

Pain

Stress also can trigger things like stomachaches and headaches.

Irritability

You snap at people. You yell at the kids because they spilled milk on the floor. Or you get mad at your spouse because they forgot something at the grocery store.

Troubled Emotions

You withdraw or can’t smile at people, Goodman says. “I tend to get weepy and sad when I’m burned out,” Meeks says.

Negativity or Pessimism

It can feel almost impossible to be positive about anything, Meeks says. This is especially true in the areas that are causing your burnout – whether it’s school, work, or home life.

How Do You Break the Burnout Cycle and Recover?

The first step is recognizing and accepting that you are burned out. “If your friends and loved ones say you aren’t doing well, don’t take it as a criticism,” Goodman says. Educate yourself about burnout and then get some help from a mental health professional.

Here’s what else you can do:

Know your limits

Some people think they can pile it all on their plate and carry it even though it’s dripping off the plate, Goodman says. You need to face the fact that your expectations sometimes go beyond what you can actually do. This is where therapy can help you see that you need to balance expectations with reality.

Learn to prioritize

“You won’t be able to juggle 12 balls at once,” Goodman says. You need to pick six that you can juggle well and the other six need to be put to the side until you have more time for them. Setting priorities is difficult for people with ADHD. “It’s either I need to do it now or if it’s not due yesterday it doesn’t need to be done until tomorrow. The problem is something comes up tomorrow that’s urgent and that’s how things mount up.”

Just say “no.”

People with ADHD often are people pleasers, have a hard time saying no, and overcommit themselves, Meeks says. “Practice saying no and not feeling guilty about it. The people in our lives should be understanding of the need to keep ourselves safe and healthy,” she adds.

Get some rest

Don’t feel guilty about taking a breather. People with ADHD spend their whole lives being told that they aren’t trying hard enough. As a result, they often push themselves as hard as possible, Meeks says. “Resting feels ‘lazy,’ a word that has been used against us like a weapon for most of our lives.”

If it’s broken, fix it

If your ADHD symptoms seem out of control, talk to your doctor. You may need to add or change medication or learn better organization and time-management skills. This can help you get through your days with fewer stumbling blocks and more confidence.

The full article will be linked down below as always. I hope many of you found this helpful and educational.

[eamour]

nervous system regulation.

this post is especially dedicated for my fellow neurodivergents, specifically those who have add/adhd.

it’s normal for all of us to feel stressed sometimes. stress, as well as anxiety, are both feelings we all experience from time to time. however, dealing with a lot of stress is proven to have a negative impact on your body, more specifically your (autonomic) nervous system. by understanding how to regulate your nervous system, you will have an easier time managing stressful moments, and overall live a lot more balanced and peaceful life. ⋮ © credits

the nervous system.

your nervous system is the control center of your body. it is the part of your body that’s responsible for regulating your breathing, your heartbeat, your blood pressure, your digestion, and also the way you feel. the part of your nervous system that deals with the emotional wellbeing of yours is called "autonomic nervous system".

when feeling stressed, your body naturally reacts in a way to prepare you for the situation. it could respond through an increased heart rate, sweaty palms or the tension of muscles. nevertheless, our bodies cannot constantly withstand stress. continuously experiencing high levels of cortisol and adrenaline can lead to (sometimes serious) health issues.

a dysregulated nervous system.

a nervous system becomes dysregulated when the body cannot properly handle certain situations the way it used to. the body's way of responding to certain situations falls out of sync. it indicates a state of imbalance as you experience your body not being able to keep up with you.

signs.

these are some of the signs indicating you might have a dysregulated nervous system:

anxiety

easily irritated

memory problems

difficulty concentrating

headaches

quickly overwhelmed

mood swings

panic attacks

digestive issues

trouble sleeping

constant fatigue

chronic pain

persistent muscle tension

weakened immune system

stressors.

here is a list of stressors that are known to disrupt your nervous system balance:

chronic stress

burnout

traumatic events

poor sleep habits

unhealthy diet

no time for relaxation

support.

here are things you can do to help regulating your nervous system again:

meditating and resting

listening to music

dancing and moving

stretching and walking

eft tapping

massaging yourself

affirming

practicing mindfulness

reconnecting with nature

hugging someone or yourself

somatic shaking

rubbing ice cubes on face

taking a cold shower

sleeping and waking up early

grounding yourself

humming, singing and laughing

talking to someone

reading or listening

using a weighted blanket

drinking herbal tea

engaging in calming activities

deep breathing exercises

prioritising your sleep

with love, ella.

[bettathanyou]

hii i just wanted to say i really appreciate how much love you put into all of your writings, its all so heartwarming and detailed, and you capture cedrics character SO well. you have such an in depth understanding of his personality and its commendable. i really admire your dedication and love for this guy and how willing you are to share it with others :]

but ya i have a request, a headcanon list (or story/anything u wanna do) of Cedrics autistic behavior and maybe how he would act with an autistic partner? the idea of there being this mutual understanding of each others needs is really sweet to me. also i personally hc him with adhd alongside autism so it would be neat if that could get mixed in somehow, too :D no problem if not!

ANON. WTF YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ME CRY FR?? THAT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME, THANK YOU. I get so scared of MISCHARACTERIZING Cedric, so to hear that I have an in depth understanding of him from you made my entire day, month, YEAR. I hope this headcanon list is good and up to expectations!!

AuDHD Cedric The Sorcerer Headcanons (With Autistic S/O)

Coming from someone with AuDHD with an autistic best friend, I can't stress how much source material I have to speak about this sifkdiieis

FIRST THINGS FIRST. SENSORY ISSUES GALOREEEEE. That man will shrivel and die if he were ever in the modern era and came into direct contact with a microfiber towel.

A secret Headcanon I have (outside of the reasons I listed in my first headcanon list about Cedric!) Is he wears gloves BECAUSE Cedric has sensory/texture issues. His potion ingredients seem incredibly bizarre at times, and I'm sure the textures of them just get overwhelming at times. If you're wondering why the fingertips are exposed, he might need the extra grip to handle delicate objects, etc etc.

His robe is basically a weighted blanket, argue with the wall. He needs to be regulated somehow, and he's still a nervous wreck anyways

We know Cedric's speech is affected by his audhd. Dude has pedantic speech, overly emotive or deadpan, his volume control is non-existent when excited.

Expanding on that, his tendency to mix up words for spells seems a little... Neurospicy, on top of the anxiety

Forgets spells constantly. Not actually forget how to do them, just forgetting they exist cuz adhd

Has CHRONICALLY turned his workshop inside out because the thing Cedric was using just disappeared after he set it down!

(it was in his hand the whole time lol)

HC that outside of, yk, lack of personal space because no one knocks except Sofia, Autism rage whenever you're being interrupted from a task, especially something your fixated on, DRIVES HIM SO INSANE

Lack of patience. Just. Irritable, and same

His only friend (before Sofia) was an animal companion. C'mon y'all.

Music is so important to Cedric! It helps him regulate. He sings, he dances, he appreciates the dragon Acapella! Definitely uses music to stim, as well as dancing. He does it way too much. Audhd people usually are very connected to creative outlets such as music

Speaking of, his flying machine? CEDRIC IS AN INVENTOR. SO MANY INVENTORS ARE/WERE NEURODIVERGENT

Cedric is so genuinely shocked by kindness from Sofia even though she's consistent with it. That can definitely be trauma, but also feels like a lack of emotional permanence

Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria SO BADDDDD Cedric would have a shutdown about it (thanks ADHD)

Prone to more shutdowns than meltdowns. But as we know, shutdowns inevitably lead to meltdowns anyways. I hc that Cedric is definitely seen as "melancholic" because his mood shifts as well as masking (poorly) his mental state after having meltdowns in private

Definitely tugs at his hair, bites himself, hits his head/fists on hard surfaces during meltdowns :((

Cedric's job as royal sorcerer is fun for the knowledge as special interest aspect, but the social parts leaves him in bad burnout, at least before his redemption

Still hates the social aspect of his job though

Potions are his special interest

The amulet of avalor was a hyperfixation, there I said it!

Due to trauma, but also to adhd, I think Cedric has no emotional object permanence. Dude for real acts a little TOO shocked towards Sofias kindness-

There is two types of audhd: sarcasm is the only language they're fluent in, and cannot distinguish sarcasm to save their life. Cedric is the first.

Sofia is the second type LMAO

Where's the same outfit everyday. Like. Cedric would buy the same set of clothes/outfits because too many choices are just overwhelming, and too many textures are Bad

Speaking of textures, again

Picky eater

I've never seen Cedric eat anything except those jellybean looking candies at his parents house

Jellybean/sweets as a safe food

I hc personally that Cedric is familiar with food magic because he conjures his own meals. I can't imagine people would respect his needs/wants enough to be especially accommodating, so he did it himself

Cedric talks to children as equals because of the lack of social hierarchy due to autism

However with the royals his age he is desperately trying to please people for the sake of acceptance (mood)

Okay

Rapid fire s/o headcanons!

Y'all either talk for hours, or parallel play without a word

Doing Nothing Together While Vibing Is Essential

Even though y'all understand each other well, sometimes the weird social rules you force yourself to mask with still stick. So sometimes y'all will have to ask "are you mad or are you unmasked rn"

Same thing with sarcasm. Taking jokes too literally so then you gotta ask for clarification. At this point it just adds to the joke xD

Cuddling/hugs is the best because THE DEEP PRESSUREEEEE

But also don't touch me when I need space pls

Infodumping whenever the chances arise

Seeing cedrics eyes sparkle his smile lines crease when talking about something that excited him feels like the warmest ray of sunshine

Cedric will sometimes get distracted by how much he loves you and loves seeimh you being happy while infodumping and will ask you to repeat things while apologizing profusely

Cedric will buy you little comfort objects you like or give you cool things he finds

Pebbling!!!

Sometimes y'all need to sleep alone for the sake of space, but other nights you gotta be in each other's skin

And both are okay!

Laying in bed doing a separate activity until bedtime is a good compromise when one of you doesn't want to spend the night, but still wants time together

Switching hyperfixations

Adopting each other's vocal stims/speech mannerisms

Suddenly you're saying Merlin's mushrooms UNIRONICALLY

When shutdowns happen, y'all have communication cards! Very helpful for both parties :))

You both doodled in the margins of each other's communication cards

Cedric chronically loses his and you now you're just letting him use yours until they manifest again 😭

Meltdowns, Cedric needs to be alone. He just can't handle ANYONE seeing it, even you

You respect that... And take care of him afterwards with whatever he needs

Whatever way you need support during shutdowns/meltdowns, Cedric accommodates without question

Just

So much love and acceptance and CHOOSING to put in the work in your relationship

Anyways, that's all I got! Feel free to add on! TYSM for the ask!! This was so lovely and self indulgent to write lmaooo

[causesciencethatswhy]

the jungkook adhd tag in your last answer is so real its actually painful to watch sometimes because he’ll also say things like “I can’t concentrate on the things I don’t like” king I’m gonna touch your hand when I say this……

KNdndn. The whole Jeongguk is good at everything but he can't stick to one thing. Or him bashing himself for being 'lazy' when he was most likely going through a major adhd burnout. The constant stimming with either movement or singing. Starting a new project like his mixtape with so much excitement but dropping it cause the contradictory perfectionist streak won out.

'I know the actors face but not name'

I don't mean to project but please my little cookie go watch an adhd in adults video on youtube just once , just for fun.

[autisticwriterblog]

Fandom 50 Post 12

A Neurodivergent Reading of False Kings by Poets of the Fall

Introduction:

After watching this music video about twenty times on repeat, I started to interpret the lyrics and video in a specific way, hence the title of this post. Basically, I began to interpret the lyrics as a story about a neurodivergent person who is sick of trying to fit in with others.

A little background on me and my experiences: I have autism and ADHD and I’ve had very bad experiences in the past of trying to interact with other people. People only accepted me if I masked, but when I went through a massive burnout as a teenager, I lost my ability to mask. And my friends started drifting away. It seems they only ever liked the façade I put up because I wanted to fit in. And everything fell apart when I started acting ‘weird’.

Anyway, after reading that, you can probably see why I’m projecting so hard onto Marko’s character in the music video. This whole thing is incredibly self-indulgent and basically just an excuse for me to ramble about a song I love.

Some specific lyrics I keep thinking about:

Getting lost singing their song – When you try to hard to change to fit in with others you begin to lose a part of yourself.

It's all I know, but not what I need – All he knows are people who only like the palatable version of himself he puts forward, but masking forever will lead to burnout.

Run from this meaningless pantomime – He wants to get out of here because he’s sick of trying to fit in with people, which feels pointless to him.

Bought their smiles, liquid and smooth / Took their words for the truth – He is gullible and takes people seriously even when they’re mocking him, struggling to tell their true intentions until its too late.

End my wars and erase / And I'm yours – If you help him get away from what overwhelms him/people who don’t respect him, he’ll be so grateful that he’ll do anything for you.

My thoughts about the music video:

Throughout the scenes at the party, Marko’s character looks stressed and tired. The others at the party are laughing together but he doesn’t join in. In fact, he doesn’t seem to have fun throughout the video. Several shots of all the activity in the room then cut back to his face and he looks overwhelmed by everything going on. When he sits down at the chess board, he looks exhausted. After the chess game, he storms out, possibly having reached his limit.

When he’s alone and shaded in red light, he looks visibly different or even ‘monstrous’. Is this because he feels like people see him as a freak and the changes to his face are a visible representation of how he’s othered? Or perhaps it’s a symbolism of him masking – looking like a ‘normal’ person in the black and white scenes versus his inability to look ‘normal’ at other times, hench his appearance in the red scenes.

He seems comfortable with the woman in the bedroom with him. Is she someone who understands/respects the real him? Is that why he sings about being ‘yours’, because he longs for a relationship with someone who really knows him?

In conclusion:

This song means a lot to me as a neurodivergent person, and I just wanted to ramble about why that is.

[vanana-r0tat3]

some pre-game batim headcanons :>

Henry: - all he does is eat hot chip be bisexual and lie /j - has a preference for women so i think him realizing hes not straight is like hey wait a minute hey wait wait - joey was his gay awakening,,, real -gets burnout super easy, it probably frustrates him a lot when he cant draw - drawing is a big comfort for him - has pretty bad social anxiety, but has become pretty good at dealing with it!

Joey: - gay. this man is not into women at all sorry 💀 "i just dont have time for girls" yeah sure fruitcake - watch me project once again and give this man bpd. like im sorry his whole thing with henry?? im not even explaining it but if you get it you get it yea - also definitely has adhd - wheelchair user !! he is able to walk, but he still needs the wheelchair when flare ups get real bad. he is stubborn though and refuses to use it at work or when hes out of the house

more under the cut !!

Wally: - he has adhd, obviously - transgender !! i feel like hes a gnc binary trans man - hes straight to me, but his gf/wife is also trans >:D t4t win - i feel like he likes to gossip. the thought of him, norman, shawn, maybe even jack whispering to eachother in a corner about some random secrets theyve overheard is super funny to me

Sammy: - AUTISM... hes autistic - gets overwhelmed and overstimulated super easily, hence why hes always so irritable - yknow what im giving him bipolar. hes my comfort character and i get to project my mental illness !! - hes gay and demiromantic - honestly? transfem i see it. bc like im thinking about how he talks about susies singing like. i know what you are - bad with boundaries.. he is so bad at them and reading social cues - hates being touched, probably is only comfortable with jack for the most part - watch him crush on like half the men mentioned in this post at least once

Norman: - hes also autistic. his sense of humor is so??? 😭 - HES ALSO DEFINITELY AN OLDER GAY GUY. he just has that energy yknow like if you agree - probably would be agender too - him and sammy are that incompatible type of autism havers does this make sense?? like some autistic people i just cant stand because of my autism, our places on the spectrum make it so hard to like them yk? thats norman and sammy - this man definitely has insomnia

Susie: - lesbian. she doesnt know it yet but she is - her calling sammy handsome isnt her being attracted to him its just gender envy 😁 - shes just a feminine transmasc 👍 - rejection sensitive dysphoria out the ASS my poor girl - very insecure deep down, so she overcompensates for it by trying to be a people pleaser n stuff

Allison: - shes bisexual !! has a strong preference for women - shes a trans woman idc idc i love her - AUTISTIC AS HELL - i imagine she had a sibling like relationship with joey - probably one of the few people that could tell him off without like. getting fired lol

Buddy: - adhd and autism,, special intrest in art/drawing - AROACE. the stuff he says about his friendship with dot?? "i didnt know we could just be friends" and him not being too into his first assumption when she pulls him away to show him the bendyland model?? yea - honestly i think he has social anxiety hes doing his best - hes very sensitive over people bringing up him being jewish, he seems so ready to be made fun of or scorned for it :( - definitely some cultural detachment because of it (im projecting again) - i think dot would wanna learn about about it, buddy should teach her stuff!! like traditions and whatnot

Tom: - asexual 👍 - TRANSGENDER. probably would be nonbinary, heavily masc leaning though - he smokes a lot have you heard this man good lord. i dont think allison is a fan of it - anger issues,, mostly caused by stress and a lack of sleep, hes trying his best :( - he has arthritis. hes not old but god do his joints fee like it. he has crutches !! like joey though he only really uses em at home 💀

Jack: - wheelchair user jack my BELOVED idk where the hc came from but im all for it - he cant walk, but is able to get around just fine! watch him try and do wheelies to impress sammy only to almost fall over - 100% autistic as well. him and sammy are able to be autism together - unlabeled aromantic - hes such a loser /loving

Grant: - poor guy gets chronic headaches someone give him some painkillers - hes got generalized anxiety disorder this man cannot get a break - demisexual and demiromantic,, mans is double demi

Shawn: - adhdtism 😭 - LOVES to talk, he could go on for hours dude - i feel like he knows a lot of ridiculously obscure knowledge. for why? dont worry about it - he gives me genderfluid vibes - literally just some guy

[mesozoic-system]

FAVORITE ROTTMNT CANON FACTS AND HEADCANONS ((MASSIVE SPOILERS!!!))

Don't be afraid to share your thoughts, opinions, and ideas! Comment which headcanons you agree or disagree with! I love hearing your feedback!!!!

❤️🥷🧡🐢💙🍕💜

Favorite Canon Facts About Donnie

He's a soft shell turtle.

He loves to dance.

He's autistic.

His true passion is botany.

He hates being touched, but can sometimes tolerate it.

He's unfamiliar with strong emotions and will become confused.

He draws on his eyebrows.

He has an intense chronic fear of beach balls, bees, and spiders.

His favorite music genre is techno.

His gamer tag is "Bootyyyshaker9000".

His least favorite animals are monkeys.

His "type" are "cute but mean".

He doesn't like Hawaiin Pizza.

He's bad at sports.

He covers his neck when he's in danger.

He knows ASL.

He considers S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N. as his son.

Favorite Headcanons About Donnie

Their pronouns are He/They

While experiencing autistic burnout, he'll become nonverbal and use sign-language or whisper to communicate.

They're also sensitive to loud noises at these times, and Raph always has to remind everyone to keep it down.

If he's been injured on his back without his battleshell (but not drastically), he'll have trouble breathing and enter an anxiety attack (turtles' lungs are located right underneath their shell).

They're aroace and would rather focus on science than dating.

He doesn't oppose wearing skirts or dresses. He finds them comfy.

While growing up, they had a tendency to swallow food whole, so Splinter had to cut it small until they learned how to eat properly.

They rarely cuss, but will do so if they get very angry or frustrated.

He lets April paint his nails alongside Mikey, but only prefers the colors purple, black, or both.

He's an insomniac.

He puts his legs on other people's laps when sitting on a coach no matter who it is.

They know the FNAF lore by heart to every detail and spent months putting the pieces together.

However, he has different theories than MatPat.

Favorite Canon Facts About Mikey

They needed braces when their adult teeth grew in.

He's a ornate box turtle.

Out of all of his brothers, he looks up to Leo the most.

His gamer tag is "Flavortown".

His favorite music genre are boy bands.

He's interested in horoscopes.

He has ADHD.

He chooses scissors every time in Rock, Paper, Scissors.

He's the youngest of his brothers.

He's the family cook.

His favorite superheroes are Batman and Superman.

He loves to draw, paint, and color.

Favorite Headcanons About Mikey

He has three known alter-egos: Dr. Delicate Touch, Dr. Feelings, and Dr. Positive.

He has ADHD.

His pronouns are He/She.

Like Donnie, she enjoys wearing skirts, but instead of occasionally, she wears them as often as she can.

He and April are always painting amazing graffiti art in the sewer tunnels.

She hides in her shell when she's overwhelmed, startled, or upset until she calms down.

His favorite type of dancing is freestyle.

She loves rollerskating just as much as skateboarding.

He once found a raccoon, mistook it for a cat, and begged Splinter to let him keep it.

She was not allowed to keep the raccoon.

Because he loves art, his sibling's walls are covered in his drawings.

She flops down on a couch or chair every time she sits down.

He'll sometimes say random things out of the blue, but not realize he said it out loud until the others acknowledge it. Sometimes, they don't react to spare him the embarrassment, being that it's normal for him.

She loves Disney movies and sings along to all the songs, even if she doesn't know the words.

After using his mystic powers for the first time during the movie, his hands became shaky and painful. They eventually became better, but he had to go through the "What if I'm like this forever" phase.

She's pansexual.

Favorite Canon Facts About Leo

He cussed once but didn't know what it meant.

He's a red-eared slider.

His favorite music genre is glam rock.

He's really good at basketball.

He's fluent in Spanish.

He loves cracking jokes, especially in the middle of a battle.

He's the fastest runner among his brothers.

Favorite Headcanons About Leo

His pronouns are He/Him.

He's gay but very flirty with any gender- but only if it's to smooth-talk them into doing something for him.

He likes freestyle dancing along with Mikey.

He's rickrolled his entire family at least twice each.

He used to bite a lot as a kid, especially when he was teething.

He doesn't discriminate between dogs and cats.

He has excellent medical training.

He may not take a lot of things seriously, but when Donnie began using sign language, he was the one to encourage everyone else to learn it. He was even fluent long before anyone else was.

He hates reading.

He prefers to wear sweats.

He has ADHD, like Mikey.

He and Donnie share a twin's connection, meaning they can hear each other's thoughts and sense their emotions if they're strong enough.

Favorite Canon Facts About Raph

He was absolutely heart-broken when Raphael died in the apocalyptic future, but Donnie's death changed him permanently because their connection was severed.

He's an insomniac.

He is a snapping turtle.

His catchphrase is "Like a Boss!"

He loves animals.

He regularly speaks in the third-person.

He's the eldest of his brothers.

He's allergic to peanuts.

Whenever he's on the phone with any of his brothers, he speaks in a gentle tone as if talking to an infant.

His favorite music genre is Rhythm and Blues.

He has separation anxiety.

He wears a retainer headset at night.

He has an obsession with pushing big, red buttons.

He's terrible at taking pictures.

He lets off several scents depending on his emotions if they're strong.

He loves to spar.

He likes to dress in drag and animal costumes.

He loves stuffed animals and plushies.

Big heart, small brain.

Favorite Headcanons About Raph

His pronouns are He/She.

Two of her hobbies are baking and knitting, both of which she's become really good at.

He loves strawberries. And no, not just because they're red.

To her brothers' amusement, she's a raging video-gamer and gets upset when she loses, but not when playing with Mikey.

He loves hugs, snuggling, and holding hands with his brothers and April.

She likes Kool-Aid, but only because it stains her mouth different colors.

He sometimes has trouble communicating and stammers a lot, especially when stressed.

She can't have straws because she always chews on them, even if they're the reusable ones. She once destroyed Mikey's curly straw by accident, but bought a whole new pack as an apology. She was only able to afford it because she did Donnie's chores to earn enough money.

He loves to sing, even though he's no good at it.

She's bisexual.

He's excellent at comforting others when they need it.

After the movie, she needed to wear an eyepatch.

Favorite Canon Facts About April

She's not afraid of a fight, even if her opponent is bigger and stronger than her.

She's rather intelligent.

She gets along well with everyone she meets unless they're mean to her or do something bad.

She loves to play video games.

She is Splinter's student and is currently learning Ninjutsu.

She has accurate aim and can use anything as a weapon.

Hating April for her "new race" is racist. Stop it.

Favorite Headcanons About April

It's pronouns are They/It.

They're nonbinary.

It worked overtime to suprise the boys with Nintendo Switches.

They consider the Hamato family as their own and call the turtles their brothers often.

It's bisexual.

They snap at anyone who misgenders or uses the wrong pronouns for any of their siblings.

It loves sleepovers.

They're dating Sunita.

The first time it wore a binder, everyone noticed instantly and started panicking until it told them.

Favorite Canon Facts About Splinter

He always falls asleep after drinking milk and eating cake.

He used to date Big Mama.

He refers to his sons as their mask's colors.

He can turn the lights off in any room he's in with a clap of his hands, giving him an advantage by using the darkness.

He was a professional actor before his mutation.

He's a really good singer.

He's able to sew rather well.

He can move faster than an eye could follow.

He can set different parts of his body on fire at will.

Favorite Headcanons About Splinter

His pronouns are He/Him.

He had to put leashes on the turtle tots to keep track of them.

He can actually be a good dad if he really needs to be.

Although he rarely says it out loud, he is extremely proud of all of his sons, but secretly wishes he had done more for them as they grew up.

He was extremely protective of Donnie as he grew up and took great favor in making sure she was safe because of his soft shell. The others never got jealous of all the attention she got because they knew how important it was to keep him safe- Well... maybe Leo did a few times. When she grew up and made himself a battleshell, Splinter finally relaxed.

Headcanons About All

The turtles shed their skin and shells annually.

[kai-selfships]

SING + SING 2 HEADCANONS (human au)

Part one: main characters

Picrew link, art by Naylissa on various social medias

(One year passes in between movies so for characters who are in both movies, there will be two ages listed)

I’m posting this here instead of on my main because you guys are used to me being cringe <3

Also, important: I chose each character’s ethnicity based either on where in the world their species of animal lives, or (for animals that live all over, like pigs or mice) other contextual things (like Gunther’s accent)— basically, please understand that I’m not making Johnny black because he’s a gorilla, but because gorillas in real life can be found in equatorial Africa— however if you’re black and still find this offensive, please dm me and you can explain to me what’s wrong, and I’ll do anything I can to make it better :)

Buster Moon (he/him, gay and trans)

36-37 years old

5’0”

Australian

Autism, bipolar, and PTSD (after working with Jimmy Crystal)

Hair started going gray due to stress, so he dyed it all

Forgets to eat a lot

Works too much, gets bad burnout

Is best friends with Rosita; she reminds him to eat and sleep and stuff when they’re on the road

Has electrical burn scars on his hands from when he and Ash messed with the electric fence on Clay’s property

Was dating Eddie in the first movie, but they broke up which is why he’s not there in the second movie

Rosita (she/her, bi and ace)

40-41 years old

5’5”

Latina (I chose this for her because of her name)

ADHD, depression

In canonverse she had two litters of piglets, one with 15 and one with 10

In human au she only had five kids— Carrie, Hannah, Kelly, Leo, and of course Casper

Her husband, Norman, is very supportive of her identity— they were going through a rough patch in the first movie because he was taking on too much work (hes a Lawyer) and didn’t have time to spend with family, but they work on it together and have a much healthier relationship now

She got a degree in journalism and used to work for a newspaper

She has been closeted bi all her life, but only found out about the “asexual” label once she met the theater group (mostly Gunther) and learned more about the queer community

Speaking of Gunther…

Gunther (he/him, queer)

39-40 years old

5’5”

Immigrated from Germany when he was a teenager

Was not accepted by his family for being queer— he hasn’t had any contact with them for most of his adult life

He’s very well adjusted and stable now, though

A lot of his energy goes towards helping out his friends at the theater, who are still figuring out who they are— like Rosita!

He gets along surprisingly well with Ash, probably because Ash really needs a really positive friend to hype him up

Gunther has been doing dance since he was a kid, and is really good at it

Johnny (he/him, gay)

19-20 years old

6’0

Very sweet and supportive with his friends

Kind of a puppy punk— he’s discovering a lot of new music and ideas through Ash haha

Always bruised and sore from dance practice

Loves skateboarding

Used to straighten his hair (like in the first movie) but now he takes better care of it

Helps Nooshy get tattoos and piercings because they’re afraid of needles

His late mother is the person who inspired his love for singing

Also loves to do other kinds of art

Dropped out of school at age 16 to help out at the garage so his dad could focus more on his other business

His best friends in the group are Ash and Meena

Ash (he/him, transmasc)

19-20 years old

5’3”

Brazilian

Actually went to middle school with Johnny, but neither of them remember the other

Gives himself stick and pokes

Came out and started his transition in between the first and second movies

Also has electrical burn scars on hands like Buster

Is kind of withdrawn from his family— they love him a lot and want to rebuild their relationship, but Ash feels guilty for having chosen his ex-boyfriend over them when he gave him an ultimatum

Still doubts himself about his gender identity a lot because he grew up thinking everyone felt that disconnected with femininity

Loves getting piercings

He still wears really artistic makeup for shows

Hasn’t even thought about dating anyone after his ex— not because he carries a torch for him, but because he feels like his mind and body has been “ruined” by having spent so much time in such a manipulative and toxic relationship (I’m toootally not projecting haha /sarcastic)

Meena (she/her, transhet)

23-24 years old

6’1”

She and her family are Indian (I chose this because in the second movie she’s a lot smaller than Alphonso, and to make it work with both of them being amab I decided she’s an Asian elephant and he’s an African elephant)

Anxiety, dyslexia, rejection sensitive dysphoria

Her parents have always been supportive of her transition, but it took her grandparents a few years to warm up to it

She has been out as a trans girl since she was a young teenager

She’s been taking singing lessons since she was a kid

Attends a community college in the area and is really self conscious about the fact that she’s not pursuing any other higher education because her cousins and parents are all very scholarly

Her parents are both professors

Gets really dysphoric about her height and size

But she feels really EUPHORIC about her beautiful long hair and the jewelry she likes to wear!

Looks up to Buster a lot even though sometimes he doesn’t make the best choices

Miss Crawly (she/her)

82-83 years old

5’4”

Salvadoran

Half blind and hard of hearing

Was very good friends with Buster’s late parents

Is extremely good at cooking; always feeds the theater group when they work late rehearsing or putting on a show

Is actually married, but none of her friends at the theater know her husband very well

Has two adult children too; she loves them very much and talks on the phone with them a lot, but they both live out of state so she only sees them and her grandkids every few years

Doesn’t mind when Buster doesn’t have the money to pay her; she may technically be an employee, but she views her job at the theater as just helping out a family friend

Is definitely more competent that she appears to be

Porsha Crystal (she/her, lesbian)

19 years old

5’7”

Has lived in Redshore City all her life

Autistic

Has a lot of followers on her official social media, but she also has a few secret accounts so she can goof off with her friends without her dad knowing

Really admires Ash, even if he took a while to warm up to her

Dyes her hair as a way to be in control of her appearance— Jimmy always chose her hairstyle and clothing so she looked “normal”, but didn’t mind if she dyed it because that’s kind of typical for modern teens

Loves to do colorful and fun makeup

Had a little bit of a crush on Suki when she first started working for Jimmy, but obviously that was one-sided because Porsha’s a lot younger than her

Nooshy (he/she/they depending on the day, genderfluid and bisexual)

21 years old

5’4

Finnish

Depression

Was homeless prior to meeting the gang, now lives with Johnny

Dyes his hair black

Is afraid of needles

Gets a lot of nightmares and doesn’t sleep well

Doesn’t spend a lot on clothes, upcycles their own stuff

Still just does street performance as her job

Clay Calloway (he/they, trans, genderqueer, bisexual)

62 years old

5’5”

He and Ruby are t4t

Stealth in public, and has no living family members— the only people who know he’s trans are his friends, who he came out to after a few months of getting to know better

Ash is like their grandson

Completely left behind their old life when they moved to Redshore

Ruby transitioned later in life— when they first started dating, they were technically a mlm couple

Literally hates Jimmy Crystal so so much and is very open about it

Porsha helped them start a social media account. He’s not very active on it besides replying to fan messages and posting things about the shows he does.

[milomilesmib]

I have more OCs to share but they're in the Riordanverse 💞

(Left Image ID: a headshot image of a person made using a Picrew called OC creator by maetheellen. The person has powder blue hair in pigtails, droopy brown eyes, tan skin, red lips, and a white sweater. End ID)

(Right Image ID: a headshot image of a person using a Picrew called Character Maker by veluv_art. The person has brown shoulder length wavy hair, cute brown eyes, light skin, small features, and a CHB t-shirt under a grey flannel. They're wearing pink heart earrings, a flower crown, and a CHB bead necklace. End ID.)

On the left with the blue hair is Sasha, the non binary child of Hypnos. They may just be the sweetest demigod in existence, and any camper will tell you so. They assure every camper that their door is open 24/7, and if any of them have a nightmare, Sasha will cuddle them and sing them to sleep. They have nightmares too, but they feel that they need to stay silent about it. They're the one who helps others with their nightmares, not the other way around... Right?

On the right is Jasmine (Jazzy for short), the gender apathetic child of Aphrodite who mainly goes by he/him but otherwise doesn't care. He might just be the MOST nervous demigod to exist. Paired with his ADHD and dyslexia, he has extreme anxiety that is sometimes so overwhelming he passes out. He dated some toxic misogynist to get past the "break someone's heart" rite of passage without feeling bad, but it led to him having terrible relationship trauma. He specialises with a whip and dagger, but he doesn't like fighting. Most often, he's in the strawberry fields, his happy place.

Both Sasha and Jazzy are year-round campers. Once everyone's left at the end of summer, Jazzy basks in the calm emptiness, while Sasha worries for all the other demigods.

Jazzy has a long-term crush on Sasha, something he never admits to anyone. A lot of campers have this idea that Aphrodite kids should date Olympian demigod kids, ones who are conventionally strong or attractive or smart. Sasha isn't really any of those things, though they are cute and kind. At the same time, Jazzy feels that if he admits he has a crush, it'll turn into a big thing to set them up, and he doesn't want that. So, he avoids them, never going to them when he has nightmares, always just pretending to have no romantic feelings for them.

Sasha sees this distance between them as something to worry about. Jazzy is their friend, and so when he starts avoiding them, they feel like he's going through some kind of burnout or something. Not only that, but they really want to tell him about their crush on him.

It's well into fall, the weather becoming cool. Sasha is the only Hypnos camper that stays all year, and Jazzy is the only Aphrodite camper that stays all year. One night, Sasha has a terrible nightmare of being chased. They lie awake in the cold, too scared to fall back asleep. They keep thinking of Jazzy, worrying for him...

Their feet act on their own, bringing them to the Aphrodite cabin. They knock, waiting outside and shivering. Soon, Jazzy answers, confused. Sasha asks to stay in his cabin for the night. Jazzy reluctantly accepts, holding Sasha in his arms as he tries to calm his racing heart.

They sit in silence for a while, but then Sasha says "I love you." Jazzy, wanting to make sure he heard that right, says, "love, like... Love love?"

"Yes, love love."

After a moment's hesitation, he says, "I love you too."

Bonus facts!

They're both AFAB and quite feminine, despite not being girls

They call their relationship achillean/queer

Sasha is half Filipino

All of Sasha's clothes are made of the softest fabric comfortable. They're like a fluffy cloud <3

Strawberries and flowers are a big part of Jazzy's aesthetic

Their favourite dates are nap dates and picnic dates

Sasha is plus sized!

They prefer cuddles and hand-holding over kisses

Since they confessed their love in autumn, they can get used to being together without the other campers turning it into a big thing

When summer starts and the other campers arrive, Sasha and Jazzy completely forget that the others don't know they're dating, so they don't outright say anything and everyone is so confused

Sasha and Jazzy are the most CHILL partners ever. You could tell them you killed someone and they'd be like "oh really? Cool." Yes Jazzy has anxiety but around Sasha he mellows out quite a bit

They bake together all the time <3

[void-thegod]

So like. I'm autistic. And definitely have cptsd.

My life was never okay.

And for most of it and even now..

I wonder "do I deserve this, for how I am?"

I burnout bad. So bad I can't do anything for months. I can be moody and impulsive. I talk and sing to myself. I physically stim in a number of ways.

It's pretty clear Something Is Up(tm)

But usually? Usually..

I get the impression people just think I'm a weirdo. And stupid. Or whatever.

I'm trans. I'm brown. Unfortunately, I'm capable enough of independence that no one thinks anything could be Wrong(tm)

But there clearly is. And has always been. I'm moody. I have some impulsive behavior. It's hard to be around people. I can't form interpersonal relationships to save my life.

I generally end up with people who are abusive, emotionally unavailable, and/or ignorant. Even a combination of the three.

And you know, you hear "Abusers find victims" or they gravitate to one another.

Whatever. I think we need to be honest and just admit that there's not as many "good" people as we think

Or our standard of good is so skewed by our culture as to be warped.

Because people would much rather ostracize and ignore me - for who and what I am - than admit...

They've been bullying a disabled person.

Like it's so clear that I'm Not Normal(tm)

In many ways. But my looks. My intelligence. My capabilities. My personality.

Somehow because of what I am

.. I cannot be another thing??

How many of us have heard this sort of thing before in a different context?

Bad faith interpretations. Brown, queer, and women being given misdiagnosis of BPD, npd, bi polar etc?

But not autism. Not adhd.

Oh you're definitely depressed. You're definitely anxious.

But you can't be disabled. Because you're too.. abled?

[runaway90s]

What Having Autism Means to Me

As I learn to go deeper in unmasking my Autism, I have decided to make a little list of what specifically it means to me in my experience as I have seen it so far.

-I can (and do) focus on something in a very hyperfixated and focused way for a long period of time, sometimes to the point of neglecting everything else in my reality. Something that helps is for me to set timers when I am working on something, or I will literally do it forever.

-I notice patterns in every environment I am in

-I absolutely adore music, and songs are the #1 way in which God communicates to me

-I can match things with their similar energies very easily

-I can channel fairly well and am continuing to develop that

-I don't like talking usually ever unless it's about something very serious and near and dear to my heart or if it's about music or something absolutely hilarious

-I have autistic meltdowns/breakdowns after almost every single day at work. I still haven't found a way to properly support myself in the workplace.

-Stimming is something I do almost all day every day and listening to music and music videos, dancing and singing is one of the best stims of all time (for me)

-Glitter, pink, cats, flowers, and unicorns. All day. All day.

-If someone stands too close to me, I can quite often feel deep rage

-Eye contact is physically painful for me

-My eyes are extremely sensitive to light. Exposure to bright lighting, particularly over a long period of time, causes me to get migraines, sharp pain in my eyes or even go into autistic burnout. I wear sunglasses everywhere I go and enjoy using soft, muted mood lighting, candles or twinkle lights in my living space

-I have had to take many months off of work over the past few years due to autistic burnout and shutdown

-Going inside of grocery stores is deeply disturbing and upsetting to me. I schedule the pickup orders and my roommate picks them up.

-I don't have the capacity to process indirect forms of communication

-It takes me longer than most other people I notice around me to completely process and integrate new information. Sometimes I have to ask for something to be repeated upwards of 5 times before I begin to comprehend it. It's not because I'm not trying to listen. It's because I am totally and completely distracted by every other aspect of what is happening in my physical reality. Perhaps this is actually ADHD?

-I never have ANY clue where to put my hands

-Last minute changes to plans cause me to feel dizzy

-Transitions are not something I can do. Like at all. Without intense levels of deep support.

-I have a deep affinity for and connection with Nature and animals. I'm sure everyone does. But I love to talk to plants and animals.

-I am extremely klutzy and have been this way my whole life, leading to many accidents. I am working on this one a lot though because it is NOT fun. I'm getting better at watching where my feet go when I walk.

-I self-regulate my emotions by watching the same TV shows and movies again and again

-I dropped out of 3 different colleges, and if I could go back in time, I would do it from a place of understanding my own needs and I would get more support

-I should probably start chewing gum or something because I have oral fixation and that leads me to overeating

-My only true regret in life is that I got rid of my pink Honey Girls custom Build-a-Bear that I made at Mall of America last summer (I say this facetiously)

-Pressure and weight are both things that help me a lot. As in, pressure hugs and a weighted blanket.

-I am extremely sensitive to energy. Extremely.

-I can't stand bullshit.

-I enjoy using noise canceling headphones and earplugs when in a crowded or noisy public space. Oddly enough, I love concerts though I sometimes have to step out for sensory breaks.

-Going to appointments whether it be doctor's visits or really just anything where I have to interact with others can be overwhelming and potentially stressful to me if I don't plan it out properly and prepare myself for it. I always bring someone with me to help support me. Traditionally it is my roommate.

-When it comes to driving, I prefer to be in the passenger seat. I get easily overwhelmed when driving, particularly long distances of over 20 minutes. I can do it. I just cut down on it to avoid overwhelm.

-Sometimes if I am in a space where I feel extremely comfortable and relaxed and I unmask completely, I will start profusely complimenting everything and everyone around me, sometimes to the point of making others uncomfortable. I'm not sure why people sometimes get uncomfortable with me complimenting them so much, but I do notice this!

-Textures are everything to me. In the fabric of blankets, my clothing, the food I eat. Textures make or break my day-to-day experience.

-I am easily excitable and frequently hop up and down, leap from side to side, and squeal with delight when I am happy.

-I do not like surprises. If I don't know all of the details of events ahead of time (as far ahead of time as possible), I feel extreme levels of distress and anxiety.

[nyotasaimiri]

Remembering How To Write

Y’all already saw me reblog that one post about the StimuWrite program (twice), but I’ve been having some fun thoughts about it (and introspective discoveries) so it’s time for a bit of a ramble!

If you want to check it out personally, I’ve linked it above, or you can click this link if things break. You never know with Tumblr.

https://eveharms.itch.io/stimuwrite

Also, for courtesy’s sake, I’m going to put a “read more” here so the average dash-scroller doesn’t have to suffer the full long post. But please pass it along! This is a story about learning to work with a different brain, and accommodating myself. I hope it helps you, too.

So part of the reason I’ve been so excited about getting to work again is my misconception that I can only write when I’m “supposed to be doing something else”. Like my actual job, or schoolwork, for example. The vast majority of As Long as We Remember was written during my last year in undergrad, in the margins of my class notes (or sometimes as my class notes, with the actual note-taking happening in the margins). I’d also tuck myself away in a corner in the Student Union between classes and either play Starbound for more screencaps, or type a scene based on those screenaps. Some of you have been here long enough to remember: the days when I could bang out 700-1000 word scenes three times a week. It was glorious, the words never stopped. 

Come summer or winter break, every year, my brain dried up. That was transcription time, when I’d assemble all the handwritten stuff. But I could never really get a solid idea rolling when I was home. They tended to hit when I was out on walks (rarely) or driving somewhere (pretty common), to the point that I started carrying a voice recorder with me at all times because there’s nothing worse than having a brilliant idea or poem smack you when you’re on the interstate and you can’t pull over to scribble it down.

So it went for years, and I’d get some writing done when I was supposed to be editing, because the old ADHD likes nothing more than procrastinating from something that makes me nervous. And let’s be real, there’s nothing more nerve-wracking than sending your work off to an editor, even (or especially) a really good editor. Loving shout-out to both my editor and my main contact at Fantastic Books Publishing, you’ve all heard me sing the praises but they really did a wonderful job taming the anxiety beast. Anyway, it was alright. That’s where Arc Two happened mostly, though the burnout was biting already. I’d get writing done during the rare in-person class too, while working on that Master’s.

Then my job got automated. 

Now this wasn’t awful from a practical standpoint. I was able to devote myself to the degree more fully, and I would have needed to leave at some point anyway to do the teaching practicals (this is something we really need to fix, requiring teachers to do unpaid practical internships, but that’s a side rant for another day). But though I did have a fantastic month as school librarian for summer school, it wasn’t enough. Once that dried up, I sank into a routine of being at home, doing homework, rinse and repeat.

You might notice the lack of writing in this situation. Because writing became painful around this time. It wasn’t depression, or anxiety... Heck, my book got published then! I was over the moon for that! 

But I still couldn’t write like I used to, and I was so scared that I’d somehow used it all up, that I would lose it if I didn’t use it. Or that I’d somehow sold it to public approval, when comments started drying up... something like that. Fear is rarely nice enough to put it into words. I was able to figure out enough to listen to music or an ASMR video in the background sometimes and get words out that way, but... Yeah. You saw things dry up too. You know how it went.

It’s worth noting that until two months ago, I lived for 17 years in a quiet suburban neighborhood where there aren’t any young kids playing outside anymore (we all grew up). No major sound, almost no traffic.

In June, I finally moved out of my parents’ house and into a lovely little condo of my very own. We’re in the middle of everything here. It’s actually walkable, there’s traffic sounds, there’s construction, there’s even a train once or twice a day. I hear my neighbors coming and going by the bang and rattle of the heavy steel-and-glass door downstairs.

And I’ve been writing again. I’ve been drawing again. It’s slow still, because I’m so busy. New kitten to look after, older cat to tend, household to set in order (who knew how many things we take for granted at our parents’ houses, like buckets and dustpans). New job starting next week.

At some point in all this newness and activity, I saw that post about StimuWrite, and it reminded me that I wanted, I needed to create again. So... I pulled up an old story I started long before I ever heard of Starbound or dreamed of publishing, opened the app, and gave it a try. And it bloomed.

Characters I haven’t touched in years are back and alive under my hands. And I’m alive with them. It’s magic, but the kind of magic I can make happen, not the kind I have to wish and wait for. I can understand now, where it all comes from.

I think this is something people don’t realize, when handling neurodivergence. I’m both ADHD and autistic, so I don’t know if it’s one, the other, or both causing my problems. But in the silence and stillness, it was too quiet to think. My brain was somehow too loud for itself, in that silence. I wonder how many other creators suffered this, in the sudden stillness of lockdown, or when they’re isolated in other ways. How many stories are stifled by silence.

I didn’t grow up with my diagnoses, partially because my parents didn’t know better and partially because the stigma was too huge to test me back then. So I barely know about things like stimming. We didn’t have that word when I was growing up. But I’m so, so glad that there are creators out there who understand ourselves well enough to make apps like StimuWrite, and share them so that we realize we aren’t alone in this. Because even if I did somehow stumble into my magic on my own again, finding another noisy classroom to write in, I wouldn’t have understood why, and I would have stayed afraid of losing it.

My words and worlds are part of me, just as the little quirks are. And my community, those with disabilities like mine, they gave that to me. I’m not afraid anymore. I think that’s the core of what I’m trying to say here: that we need to speak with each other, to share what helps and what hurts. Someone, somewhere, needs to feel what you have felt. Community is the single best thing we have.

I wanted to share this courage, this story, in hopes that I can help someone else out of their fears too. Maybe your brain works at least a little like mine: too loud in the silence. Try a little noise. Find something soft or crinkly or nice to touch while you work. Rest, and don’t punish yourself for not making. There will always be ways to get your magic back. It’s part of you, too.

[ceridwyn2]

Snagged from @batnbreakfast

Three favourite ships:

Liv Chenka / Helen Sinclair (DW 8th Doctor Adventures)

Caroline McKenzie-Dawson /Gillian Greenwood (Last Tango in Halifax)

Madame Vastra / Jenny Flint (Doctor Who)

My first ever ship:

Catherine Chandler / Vincent (Beauty & The Beast 1989-91)

Last song heard:

Neil Diamond - And the Singer Sings His Song (currently playing)

Last film watched:

Anaïs In Love

Currently reading:

The Stolen Christmas by RiversofMars (Liv / Helen, see above fave fic pairing)

Currently watching:

Well, last watched was S1 re-watch of Last Tango in Halifax

Currently consuming:

Nothing. I’m hungry and thirsty but I have a 14lb cat lying on me. Will go heat up some of yesterday’s curry soup - roasted butternut squash, spinach & chickpea soup).

Currently craving: 

Food, vacation, energy (combo work burnout - nursing, plus ADHD).

[wihinaphe-makhoche]

7/15/24: burnout & empathy exhaustion

i've been working on more academic blog posts, but have been hitting a wall recently. sometimes my work feels overwhelming. let's talk about it.

i've always been someone who struggles with sticking through when met with sub-optimal results. i've heard that this is an adhd trait-- picking up hobbies for a brief time to put them down again when one is not immediately successful. i look to my project & hobby graveyard and see ukulele, singing, embroidery, sewing, historical fashion (of varying time periods), SCA heavy combat & fencing, archery, the list goes on.

one of the only things i've ever been able to stick with in my life is art. i've stubbornly persisted through every "ugly" phase because it's just something that i do. being an artist is part of who i am.

another is information-sharing.*

i often wonder why i persist. sometimes i feel like i'm shouting into an abyss, or perhaps more accurately, trying to articulate myself in a very loud room.

i quickly find myself thinking, "if not me, then who?"

this is not to position or privilege myself in being special in any way, but i feel that academia is a field where people like myself (women**, mixed race people, disabled people, transgender people) often find their voices being drowned out. we are still discouraged. academia is still very male, very white, very cisgender. being an academic in my own right also provides me with the opportunity to uplift other marginalized voices. we are stronger together. the more of us, the better.

i say all of this to say that i sometimes find myself getting caught up in this work. fact-checking is yes, important, as well as making sure i'm well-informed, and up to date. but it's easy to quickly become frustrated in an information landscape where there is both SO MUCH of it, and also a lot of people who are less informed (or less sensitive) positioning themselves as experts. this makes one wonder why they even try.

i get burned out. others get burned out in an attention economy with so much global tragedy happening at one time. we are all stretched thin. we all wonder what the point is. we are empathy exhausted, we become desensitized.

but there will always be those who care. perhaps today, or another day in the future, someone will find use for my work. perhaps it will be valuable for someone dipping their toes into (and then wading) into the pool of indigenous thought. i hope that the waters are cool and refreshing to them.

in untangling this, i'm coming to the realization that like with art, pushing through the "ugly" patches is necessary. persistence is key. even with periods where i feel spread thin, even when i compare my academic work to others (unfairly), even when i need to take breaks in writing. i am a life-long learner. to hoard information to myself is selfish.

notes below the cut.

* i hesitate to say educating. i feel this implies an informational high-ground, as if i'm specially qualified to be teaching something to others. this is something i've found i've struggled with, especially existing as someone perceived as a woman (though i identify both as a man AND a woman). i find myself often spoken over, invalidated, or otherwise finding myself in positions where (usually white) men will find it necessary to "approve" of what i'm saying, as if i don't know what i'm talking about. i think we are all at once students and teachers. i feel that if we approached educating as information sharing, we might foster a more equitable environment for learning.

** i should add, i use they/them pronouns primarily, but either he/him or she/her is also okay for me. i identify as genderfluid or bigender, meaning i'm a woman AND a man AND a mixture of both or neither.

[cornfield-doe]

i feel on a very low point right now, it´s been almost a year of art school, studying what i wanted to study for most of my life. But looking back, i have actually barely drawn anyhing, i don´t have OC's, stories, or just a little fanart, plus almost not watching anything for years now. And i´m also lethargic most of the time, i can only sleep, every sensory thing is too much to the point it feels stupidly ridiculous. I don´t talk much, but i don´t know if my parents see some incomformity or anything, my sister is a ball of energy herself, she´s getting money herself to take singing and acting lessons and this and that, and going places, and i´m here, barely posted two drawings of mine online, i actually have very few, all i do is feel bad, sleep, and scroll endlessly.

Sometimes they ask if maybe i´d like to do something else, but i know that without art my life would be genuinely meaningless, i will always yearn to do it, but i get paralyzed to an extent i fear i´ll do nothing with my life, and it end up looking as if i don´t actually love art, or music, or movies or books.

Sometimes it just feels as if i loved nothing, and as if i didn´t want to be loved back, i think it´s clear i don´t really love myself back. I´m always yearning to be something else, and the day i become that i will finally be able to enjoy anything else because i will stop thinking about that huge stone on the shoe.

On a general level i think it´s straight up depression, i don´t know if it may be chronic or clinical, i´ve been able to function fine enough for most of the time, but i slip and get low really easily, worryingly easily, plus huge periods where i think it´s also adhd, and adhd burnout.

I know i´m young as the sunrise but i worry i´m letting life pass me way too much. I feel like a carcass waiting to be brought back to life.

this is also about transgender feelings and stuff btw. Maybe what is affecting my self steem the most is some kind of depersonalization?, for the first two years i realized, i avoided the mirror, and not knowing how you look, plus always thinking you´re odd are bad things to do to yourself. And also, i don´t have a name, people call me by my legal name, because they also know i haven´t decided yet, but i´m so disconnected to it; not having a name also kind of depersonalizes you a lot, to whom does your achievements belong to? who´s that person you see reflected in the mirror?, who id this person that is laying on my bed and looking at my ceiling, maybe that´s what´s been detrimental the most to my wellbeing, but for some reason, no name fits at all, i lack a name and i must be.

[funkinren]

So this just another reflection.

It was 2020 and I had moved out my moms after being with my gf for a year, and I moved in with my gf and her family. It was around I want to say spring. So I moved out and moved in with my gf family, I was 26 at the time. So anyways I was living in a new place and would feel out of whack and feel uncomfortable and not knowing what to do around them. And I was finding ways to cope, smoking was a way to cope, I was so indulge with school as well, and work 3-11:30pm and going to school at 8 and doing it all over again. Well I don’t know what happened I was feeling so empty like my body was a shell and I was running on fumes. I remember breaking down and my mind felt shattered, and I didn’t know why. But I think now I know why cause I remembered the feeling… in 2014 I had moved out of my mom apartment and lived with my younger brother down the street and paying rent… the first time I moved out my mom’s apartment to do this living situation by my self. I feel into a state where I felt like burnout and depression, my routines were off and my safe place of my mom and home was gone. But I didn’t understand my feelings.

So back to 2020 I’m having mental breaks every few weeks and was angry and sad, so I went to see a specialist and not knowing what was wrong I said to my gf,” I may be bipolar” but after looking for a psychiatrist and getting my dx if “bipolar disorder” I kept having a doubtful feeling about it.

The reason I kept doubting my self was first I was going along with what my psychiatrist was telling me,

Second I had more life changing events and I was regulating my self better with going out and changed my job.

And well I never experienced the mania or depression that most ppl with bipolar disorder have.

Well as I was at Morro Bay my GF sister who works with autistic kids. Thought I had autism.

It was because of the tell tell signs of how I always wore socks and sandals in the house, how I was always walking on my tippy toes, how I wore my earphones in my ear 24/7, and how I ate spicy noodles like everyday.

But what I thought autism was , was the kids in class who were having meltdowns and couldn’t do anything for themselves.

So I did research and it made so much sense…. I was flabbergasted to say the least( my mom told me as a side note that I was dx with adhd before the age of 5) and kept it to herself. I was having sensory aversion since I was a kid as well, and had many explosive outburst and crying and would shake, sing, and do other stimulators activities to regulate my high emotions.

It all made sense to me.

From sensitivity to lights, the pain tolerance,

To how my family triggers me, how I always stim by singing.

Reflection.