#sisters back to my moms house with me sunday night bc i don’t get to visit often and when i do visit it’s the weekends and my sisters are at

[abby420]

there is no greater alliance than an eldest daughter and her mom

[neon-in-the-night-time]

oh god memorial day weekend was so chaotic this year, everything was a clusterfuck. friday and saturday were so chaotic but i barely remember what happened then bc everything sunday overshadowed it wtf

family drama and rants after the cut… also a content warning for mentions of blood

my sister and i woke up at 7 am on friday in order to beat the traffic (we couldn’t go down thursday night like our parents and my mom’s older younger brother did bc my sister had a concert). i decided to take advantage of the house being empty of my parents to look in the “witchcraft shed” to see if my mother had hidden any of my possessions i didn’t know about (my mom in the last year has gone on a crusade against “witchcraft” and after i left for college she took anything she deemed witchcraft and shoved it in this shed so that the witchcraft wouldn’t be “tainting” her home) and a few things that i knew i didn’t take with me to college but were missing when i came home weren’t in the shed (most notably the giant 6 foot wide 4 foot long spider me and two of my friends built in high school that was meant to be aragog from h*rry potter that i keep not bc i like harry potter (🤢) anymore but because he’s a giant spider and i always take him with me to sleepaway camp to decorate the unit bc he adds ambiance and also the matching smaller spiders that i made that i hung from the rafters are gone too). but what i’m most mad that she hid in the shed is this little canvas painting of a corn snake that a camper made for me 3 years ago… that goes on my camper fanart wall! that was a gift! how dare she!

anyways me and my sister rescued the shit we wanted to rescue (including the cd of the live action little mermaid soundtrack) and we went on our merry way down to the shore. all was well, we didn’t run into any traffic on the way and we got dunks for breakfast. my mom’s youngest brother was also supposed to come down on friday, and he was supposed to drop off his 13yo daughter (my cousin) at his ex-wife’s house bc it’s supposed to be her weekend. my cousin is not happy with this seeing as she has spent the first 12 memorial day weekends of her life down the shore at our beachhouse with her dad’s side of the family and the last 3-4 years since the divorce it was always her dad’s turn during mdw. my cousin had been trying to convince her mom to come down so that she can come down too and spend the day with her cousins (mainly me my sister and our two cousins who are our age (19-21)) (there’s no one her age on our side of her family). this is unlikely as her mom has not been to our beachhouse in 7 years. my uncle is trying to communicate with my aunt (ik they’re divorced but she’s still my aunt in my head idk) and trying to coordinate dropping off my cousin with her but she is not responding. he ends up taking my cousin with him down the shore. my cousin keeps complaining to me and my sister that her mom would rather go do yoga that spend time with her. the gist we are getting from the cousin is that her mom does not want to have her that weekend for whatever reason and our cousin is not happy about it. she eventually comes down saturday afternoon (without telling any of the other adults apparently. just her daughter. which my uncle (her ex-husband) and my mom were not happy about). it was extremely awkward for everyone

i don’t remember if anything happened saturday. i’m almost positive something happened but i don’t remember after the chaos of sunday

so of course the day starts at 8 am to wake up and go to my parents’ new church that’s totally not a cult… it was whatever. i’ve been zoning out during church sermons since i was like 12 so i was a pro at this. i think up gay fanfiction during the entire time. on the way back to the beach house from church i sat in the backseat of the van (a spot that i have had claimed since middle school for whole-family car rides bc not only can i zone out whatever my parents and brother are arguing about this time but i get praise for how “selfless” i am for taking the backseat, which i suppose technically has a little less legroom than the other seats). we’re on the exit ramp from the garden state parkway to get back to [town redacted]. my parents are arguing, my brother is loudly complaining about something i guess, idk, i was reading fanfiction on my phone. i was not paying attention. i am, however, paying attention when my dad rear-ends the big pickup truck in front of us on the exit ramp, which is very crowded because it’s memorial day weekend. my mom starts to yell at my dad for being reckless. my dad steps out to talk to the guy in the pickup truck. luckily for us the truck isn’t damaged, just a small gash on the front of my mom’s minivan. my dad and the guy in the pickup dap each other up (or at least i am told that’s what the gesture was after trying to explain it to my cousin). my dad gets back in the car and we start driving back to the house. my brother starts yelling about something. i don’t remember what. my mom’s still chastising my dad for driving recklessly (the pickup stopped very suddenly it would’ve been hard for my dad to stop on time). my brother continues screaming as my parents ignore him. my mom declares that we’re having “quiet time”. k-love is playing faintly in the background. my brother is not happy that we’re still playing music during quiet time. my mom wins.

also on sunday my mom’s older sister and their dad (my poppop) are supposed to come for a day trip. now the thing you need to know about my poppop is he is very old. he has dementia and he has a large number of health problems. the backs of his hands and forearms (which are normally the color of a very tan italian-american) are speckled with black. i don’t actually know why this is. he has difficulty with walking, but refuses to use mobility aids. he also isn’t allowed to drive anymore, which is why he came with my aunt. his skin is apparently really really thin (this is relevant). the plan was initially for everyone to go out to lunch at this one seafood restaurant we always go to. usually we go saturday night when the most people are here, but poppop wanted to go, and because he has been going there for decades and is friends (?) with the owner, his kids were willing to indulge him. my aunt and my poppop get there while my mom’s older younger brother, his wife, and their two sons (the aforementioned cousins who are me and my sister’s age) are down at the beach. my sister and i text our cousins saying “hey pop’s here you guys wanna come back so we can go to [seafood restaurant]?” but no. apparently poppop and my aunt want to go to the beach first. also poppop wants to go to the restaurant for dinner. everyone except me and my mom seem fine with this. before he leaves for the beach, however, poppop asks my mom if there’s any beers. she’s trying to get out of getting him a beer. i’m not sure if she was genuinely concerned for his health or doing her weird “i am in this world but i am not of this world” judgey thing again. she asks if i can look in the outside fridges for pop. i do not pick up that she does not actually want me to get him a beer, however, i thought that my uncle’s beers that he had were in bottles and not cans so when i saw the beer can on it’s side i thought it was a soda can. “sorry pop, there’s no beers in there” “uncle [redacted] must have took them with him to the beach”. my dad gets him the beer, as he also did not pick up on the fact that my mom really did not want him having that beer (she ended up being right on this one tho given what happened)

it is agreed among poppop’s kids that we are going to show up at the restaurant exactly as it opens at 4 to put our names in so that we can get poppop back home to pennsylvania at a reasonable time bc he’s old and they’re worried about his health. there are 9 people going to the restaurant: me, my sister, my mom, my mom’s older younger brother and his family, my mom’s sister, and my poppop. my dad and brother are staying back bc my brother has a ton of allergies and is eating on his own, my mom’s youngest brother and his kid left in the morning. me, my sister, and the cousin that’s my sister’s age are sent on foot to put our name in and the other six come a little later in two cars. we put our name in, we get our table, all is well. we’re waiting for about 5-10 minutes and then our aunt (my mom’s sister) comes in. she tells us that poppop fell coming out of the car and he’s bleeding heavily from his head and also his knee. she says that poppop is insisting we don’t call an ambulance. my sister and i, who are first aid/for trained and certified, say abso-fucking-lutely not, especially at his age. we tell the server we’re forfeiting our table and we walk outside to see what’s happening. when we walk out we see my mom had the same idea as us bc she’s on the phone with 911. her siblings think she’s overreacting (she’s correct to do this). my older cousin (my age) and his dad are pressing paper towels against poppop’s head to stop the bleeding. the restaurant owner (who is friends/familiar with my poppop and is also very old) and his daughter and granddaughter (who run the restaurant) are outside too (this is where they got the paper towels) (they also got a large bag of ice but it wouldn’t help much in the situation). the police arrive, ems not long after. at some point my mom has me call my dad to update him on the situation. ems gets pop bandaged up and on a stretcher in the ambulance. my mom goes with him in the ambulance, and the adultier adults (my mom’s brother, sister, and her brother’s wife) follow in one of the cars. once my older cousin has washed his hands of the blood (biohazard), my mom has the four of us drive her van back home. our cousins’ mom gives us $40 for dinner.

we drive hack home, we give my dad another update, we eventually get dinner at this italian place on the boardwalk that used to have really good really cheap pizza but has kinda fell to the wayside recently and is hella expensive now but it’s possible for me to eat there with my gluten thing which is what really matters. poppop is in the hospital until 9ish at night, the adults are arguing whether he should stay the night in the hospital, stay the night at our beach house, or drive back to pennsylvania and spend the night at home. staying at the hospital would probably be best but he really doesnt want to and the hospital discharges him. by now the other adultier adults have agreed that my mom was right to call 911. it’s decided that poppop is going to stay the night at the shore, which is an issue because the fog is really thick and we’re on the second floor of the house so he’d have to go up the wet, outdoor stairs to get up here. also because with him and my aunt staying over, we are slightly over capacity when it comes to beds. when he gets there there is a team of about 5 people surrounding him making sure he doesn’t fall again coming up the steps. nobody can agree on the bed situation, nobody is happy, at some point somebody tries to convince my sister to sleep on the trundle bed. it’s a mess.

also the whole time all this is happening my parents and sister are arguing about my sister’s birthday/her birthday gifts and my mom is being all uppitty about the fact that she doesn’t drink alcohol

[cloudy-leonhart]

Marleyan Warriors with a Filipino S/O!!

[Author Note: this is literally a re-do of my headcanons bc tumblr’s being mean and deleting my drafts, anyways trying to rush another finished bc outta here 😭 also! Reminder that my requests are OPEN, don’t be afraid to send in any requests!!]

Summary: Marleyan Warriors with a Pinoy S/O!

Recommended Song: Titibo-Tibo by Moira Dela Torre

TW: Swearing.

Theme: Fluff, Modern AU.

Characters: Reiner, Bertholdt, Annie, Zeke, Pieck, Porco.

Annie Leonhart

Annie knew, she actually met you at an event for those with cultures, and saw you dancing with your friends to traditional filipino folk music.

She was kinda hesitant to go when you asked her to accompany you to the Philippines, she didn’t like traveling.

She was kinda shocked on how welcoming your family was, your mom and dad hugged her out of nowhere and she just let out a squeak.

Your little sister forced her to go to SM mall with her omg- She literally came home with bags of candy.

Yes, Annie has a soft spot for your family, she probably almost spent all her money on them.

Buchi rivals her love for donuts. She looked like she discovered a new universe after eating one of them thangs.

God, help her when she’s watching filipino movies, your family encouraged her to watch movies with them, and by the end of it she was a mess, pretty sure she cried into your shoulder after watching Seven Sundays.

BUT LIKE SHE ENDS UP BEING ABLE TO COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR PARENTS.

You see, Annie is a really fast learner, she was bound to learn to be able to speak some point in her stay.

You were shocked when she spoke back to you in tagalog, like ‘dropped my stuff out of shock’ kinda way. 

IT WAS A PAIN GETTING HER INTO A BARO’T SAYA. But bribing her with Buchis got her to keep it on for like 2 hours so like..good enough.

Her favourite filipino song is Porque.

Everybody acts like it’s a concert for every karaoke night because she’s there, like she’s just THAT good.

Reiner Braun

This man was so awkward. He went on a trip with Bertholdt to the Philippines, and met you.

He didn’t think you would understand him, so he just stared at you while you talked with your friends, until you were creeped out enough and asked him if he had a problem.

When you and him started dating, you convinced him to travel all around the country. 

Firstly, you guys visited your family, your dad absolutely loved him, your mom was a little bit hesitant in letting him in the family, he was blonde, big and buff. Filipinos are bound to worry. Until Reiner cooked with her, then she started to warm up to him.

Okay but why did your family’s chickens like him so much??

He likes the feeling of being around your family, him not having a dad left an impact on him and he felt complete being with you and your family, he swore to himself that he’d marry you.

He almost fainted when he found you battling with one of the kids with your pet spider, mf was deathly afraid of your spider, it was like the size of your hand pls-

I think he’d be fairly good at speaking tagalog, he’s got an accent but people can understand him. 

He eats like a tito omg- You lost him at a party once and when you found him, he’s already eaten half of the barbecue. 

Everyone thought he was really old, because of his beard so everyone called him tito Reiner. 

He’s somewhat good with the village kids, you could see Reiner playing soccer with the kids or goofing off.

He says he doesn’t like watching Manny Pacquiao but it’s his guilty pressure.

He doesn’t really listen or watch anything filipino, but he will listen to old filipino bands if you play them in his car.

Bertholdt Hoover

HAHA PLs- you got mad at him for eating your cake and started cursing in filipino. He was confused because he thought you were just blurting out nonsense.

One second you’re explaining what you were saying and the next second y’all are on the way to the Philippines.

He sweats like a waterfall, LITERALLY. Everyone would like move away because he sweated that much.

You had a private island..because y’all were RICH rich. he was kinda awestruck, you literally just said out of nowhere.

“oh yeah, we have a private island.” ‘YOU HAVE A FUCKING WHAT??”

Poor baby was kinda intimidated by your basket-ball player of a brother, he was taller than Bertholdt omg-

You’re always worrying him somehow, he’s be on the toilet and he’d just hear you scream and he comes running down with his boxers, just to see you watching a telenovela and you had to tell him that you were just gushing over the drama.

He has never felt so embarrassed.

Am I the only one who thinks he looks amazing in a Barong?? Like he’d rock that shit- 

He loves eating filipino food, he likes when you guys stay in the country and you go out to buy bread at the nearest bakery.

Like every filipino, he too, dips his bread in coffee.

He ended up learning guitar while he’s in the Philippines, the country’s filled with people who can sing amazingly, he’s bound to learn guitar.

His favourite filipino song to play is Tadhana, it’s also the only song that he knows to sing to, like he absolutely butchers pronunciation for words but this man covers it up with this song.

Zeke Jaeger

He bumped into you and you cursed at him in tagalog, he basically just fell for you at that point.

I just know your family secretly hates this man, he slapped your ass once around your mom and your dad, it’s always tense when he’s around now.

You don’t have the heart to tell him your parents saw because one afternoon, he was gushing and praising your family, you didn’t want to ruin his happiness, his dad’s barely around and his mom passed away. he’d obviously be attached.

Yes you had to talk to your parents about it, a lot of filipinos are very kinds and forgiving, so your parents were very understanding, and made sure he felt loved around the family.

He actually almost cried when your dad told him to marry you already.

He calls your parents nanay and tatay.

You got him to buy a pet spider please- You would catch him fighting a kid’s spider to the death in a match, he’d feel bad though so he buys them new ones after.

Hey this man looks so hot in a Barong, please. You guys had to book a hotel for a night for some alone time yk.

Lord help this man, he tried to do the tinikling dance and he tripped, in front of everyone.

Every night, he comes to bed all shirtless, you could just hear the air conditioner buzzing as he tells you how fun it was playing with the village kids, or talking about he and your titos had a drink while watching a boxing match.

He more so listens to various artists, he doesn’t have a favourite.

but he will replay Joseph Vincent’s filipino covers.

Pieck Finger

She was on a business trip in the Philippines, and you were coincidentally at the same bar they were celebrating at. You were by the karaoke section and she kinda just, fell in love with you. right there and then.

Honestly some people thought you guys were siblings, Pieck can be mistaken as a filipino easily so, you guys expect it from time to time.

She likes to ask from time to time to teach her guitar, your mom probably has a lot of pictures of you and Pieck.

She loves eating the food in the Philippines, she thinks the adobo is great and if you lose her in public she’s probably by a street vendor eating food.

You guys dance to old filipino songs, a replaying song for you guys is Mabagal by Daniel Padillia and Moira Dela Torre.

She learnt Moira’s Part while you had Daniel’s part. 

GUys she looks so beautiful in a Baro’t Saya. And she knows it, she flaunts it so well.

You guys probably have a vacation house in the Philippines after leaving with her to go back to her country.

She helps you with packing balikbayan boxes for your family, she makes handwritten letters, she’s both good at writing and saying anything in tagalog. 

Her favourite artist is definitely Moira Dela Torre, she just loves her airy voice.

Favourite Filipino Movie? Yes.

You cannot tell me she doesn’t have a shelf full of filipino movies you guys watch.

Her favourite street food is probably qwek-qwek. She likes the sauce she dips, and she probably bought almost twenty bucks worth of the fishballs.

Porco Galliard

UGh honestly he’s a little cringey when it comes to the culture, for some reason I can see him accidentally disrespecting it somehow, I can’t help it.

Your family owned a sari-sari store, and he could not help for the love of him, he ended up being the one stocking it up while you chatted with the customers. 

Like Pieck, he and you dance when you’re alone, he probably learnt from Pieck too.

He listens to modern filipino artists, like Ex Battalion, Skusta Clee.

He tries hard to really be respectful, he butchers the way he says nanay and tatay but your parents appreciate the effort.

I can see him being able to secretly make amazing filipino desserts, his ube cake is bomb.

He watches Basketball with your dad, and they both drink during the match.

I can also see him being the type to scream out curses when he hurts himself, a ‘PUNYETA’ comes out of his mouth.

he doesn’t enjoy the hot weather in the Philippines, and due to that, he wears sandos all the time at home, and when he goes out, every girl always looks at him because he’s ripped, yes you’re jealous, but as you should, he’s your mans-

He also knows how use a barbecue grill? You can find him helping your family members while they’re selling barbecue.

he hates going to SM?? He just really hates going, because you genuinely just go for the food court. They sell hella good food.

One time he got chased by the village dogs, so he doesn’t go out without you or a family member.

He secretly loves watching telenovelas with you.

[nosebleedclub]

The Dark Suburb

((Posting again because the original post on June 11th, 2017 6:09pm is no longer available due to me deleting and re-making this blog.))

This is a compilation post of Nosebleed Club prompts from 2015-16 revolving around the concept of “the dark suburb.” 

Family Melodrama

something is wearing your mother

oh god his intestines strung up on the christmas tree

your dog’s body all over the house

banging on cellar doors

a creaking sound in your dead sister’s bedroom

warriors with spears and shields painted on the dining room ceiling of a violent family’s mansion

a woman in an expensive coat and an expensive car headed to her nephew’s funeral

coming home to a completely alien mother

getting a doberman on christmas morning that won’t let you leave the house

the reason your parents fled the city to live in the suburbs

summers in palermo where your father was looking for something

mother’s breakdown in the supermarket

the supernatural car you and your twin got for your 16th birthday

parents strangely and deeply interested in the boyfriend you brought home

a mom urging her son to quit basketball; she senses something is not right

all the holes - dozens of them - your mother dug in your backyard

grandparents hiding the reason your parents are away during your winter holiday break

your best friend doesn’t want to go to your house anymore

grandpa’s ghost followed us into the new house

dad hates her bc she killed her twin in the womb and then her mother

Do I Love You?

your boyfriend’s basketball shorts, his boy-aroma, his ghost between your legs when you watch the video of his last game

girls kissing in a gas station convenience store and a third recording them on snapchat

the boy you like drawing flowers on your ap biology practice test when you switch tests with him to grade

walking across a supermarket parking lot by yourself thinking of a boy you love

red mouth

girlfriend scrubbing the blood off her arms in the bathtub

in a tiny white house in florida, sitting on a beer-can-covered counter, legs spread apart, a boy between them

in a drug-induced haze i left home for his semi truck

he never fucked me without his ski mask on

a girl and a girl and claw marks on the door“don’t ever take me back”

The Occult

the incantation that annihilated a whole suburb

a body that drags other bodies into an oven

the witches gathering in the red lake

inhuman sacrifice

dogs gathered at the edge of town refusing to cross the boundary to the outside

a 10 year old girl with memories of a serial killing spree that occurred when her parents were children

white shirts hanging on branches all over the woods

the town of three-eyed children

arrows raining down on a soccer field

feeding time

mysterious scratch marks on your back

a fairy ring in the field where your sister disappeared

Crimes

just throw it in the back

snap!

we found the body but not the head

clearing in the forest where police found a blessed severed head

jar of baby teeth as evidence

children dressed as angels at the crime scene

seeing a face you thought you buried ten years ago at the supermarket

half a fraternity frozen under a lake

fbi agents rolling into a tiny town in appalachia

a severed arm among the hydrangeas

young men howling on the bridge one year after the murder

police cars prowling through your neighborhood, one after another - watching this from your bedroom window

Teen Dream

getting whipped by a towel in the locker room

best friend making the varsity tennis team

taking a shot of vodka in the bathroom after second period

boy gets a boner during gym class

“i’ll be like helicase i’ll unzip them genes (jeans)”

drunkenly reciting the quadratic equation

fear-mongering homecoming queen

track star died in a car accident

dead bodies photography club

“sorry i fucked up here’s some ice cream” “i’m lactose intolerant you douche”

article about demonic possession in the school newspaper

last pool party before summer ends & her hand on your thigh in your dad’s sports car

the first day back from summer vacation & someone in your friend group brings the whole #squad starbucks

a bonfire, lana del rey & drake blasting, the moon

weekend road trips to the ocean

walking around on the track alone, contemplating some philosophical concept you read about on tumblr the night before

coming out to someone completely random - a junior varsity basketball player

the last homecoming dance

lying on the track at your high school after sunset

getting picked up really early in the morning to go on a spontaneous weekend road trip

the sunday after the homecoming dance where you’re kinda tired kinda still energetic from the night before

inside a fast food restaurant drinking milkshakes eating fries until it closes

chill basement party where there’s white balloons gold confetti / glitter two girls who love each other kissing

sitting in the backseat your parents occupying the front of the car you look out the window you see the rural countryside crawl by

pool pizza party at night simple pleasures like that

on the bleachers during a powderpuff football game

sweating so much you might as well have been swimming it would be embarrassing but all the other boys are sweaty too

lost in the suburbs at like 5am and the world is still pale blue

lost in the city at 5pm the sun sinks its head behind skyscrapers

fights on the lawn of an all boys private school

applying makeup the morning after a breakup

huge friend group made up of oracles + boys’ swim team + legendary heroes + valedictorian

aesthetic blogging on a sunday afternoon just chillin in your bedroom

feeling like you could be something big if you work hard enough at it

getting psychoanalyzed by your teachers and parents and extended family

school bathroom pale blue tiles

a dream with damien hirst-esque elements

sleepover at your friend’s villa and you’re the only one awake

looking out at a black sea from your dead cousin’s bedroom window, seeing a light in the distance

funeral mass

chill that runs down your friends’ spines when you enter the classroom the morning after they tried to kill you

the sickness that spreads through the high school

sometimes i was a body in a dump sometimes i was a saint

he said he’d snapchat my burning body to all his friends

my body was evidence she was trying to get rid of

poison disguised as an eighteen year old

a world war between us

$$$

first: “super rich kids” by frank ocean

fast cars flecked with blood

girls who know you won’t be prosecuted if you’re young and rich and pretty enough

snapchat of a boy with red eyes and a glass of dom perignon with the text IS MY LIFE FUCKING REAL

snapchat of a girl’s dad’s black amex with the words MONEY CAN’T BUY HAPPINESS BUT IT GETS CLOSE

taking your middle-class friends out to nice restaurants but knowing they’re with you mainly for the money

“dude i know you’re only a year older than me but sometimes i think of you as my sugar daddy”

traveling to punta del este to find yourself but losing yourself instead

identifying heavily with the versace logo

an imperial bedroom and all one feels is the weight of all that empty space

“even my funeral has to be luxurious”

Hometown Visions

three dead owls on the side of the road

trees bare, houses barren

lanterns lit up on the dirt road at night

moths in a forgotten shed

a dusty old attic filled with dead rats and flies

seeing half your face in a splintered mirror. washing machine making dangerous sounds

midwest: watching a tornado funnel form from a window that won’t shut all the way

grass in the yard growing tall

girls carrying stray cats home

a cellar door swinging open and a man you never wanted to see ever again stepping through it, into the light

snake skins and insect carapaces organized on a torn mattress

a lovely place god abandoned

bat-filled house at the end of the street

a girl crawling out of a burning car

birds in jars

Hide & Seek

not being able to find anyone in a dark forest because they actually left you and it was just a cruel prank

person seeking you is something much worse than what you thought they were

being trapped in your hiding space & no one can find you no matter how loud you call for help

hiding in your friend’s house and finding evidence of a vile crime their parents committed

finding half of your friend

[stevesnailbat]

waiting for (another) girl like you | steve harrington x wheeler!reader

summary: Steve didn’t plan on falling in love with his ex-girlfriend’s little sister, but shit happens.

warnings: angst, past trauma, self-doubt, mentions of death

word count: 2.3K

a/n: this fic was inspired by the ST1 scene where Steve and Nancy were in his bedroom bc waiting for a girl like you by foreigner is one of my favorite songs at the moment and it played during that scene. it might be a little dumb but i enjoyed writing it so enjoy! also the gif used isn’t mine, it’s from google :)

It wasn’t unusual for the Wheeler household to have family dinner on Sunday with the whole family and the kid’s boyfriends and girlfriends. Most of the time, the dining room was filled with happy chatter amongst everyone at the table. The table was still happy for the most part, but it was different for Steve and Y/N this time.

Steve wasn’t sure what was wrong, but Y/N had been dead silent since they started dinner. He felt like he had done something, but he wasn’t sure what it was. She could feel him glancing over to her every few minutes as she stared at her half-eaten food that she lost interest in. She knew he was confused but so was she.

“Y/N, are you alright? Aren’t you hungry, sweetie?” Karen asked from across the table, making everyone look in her direction.

“I’m—I’m fine! I’m really not hungry, that’s all.” she replied quickly, giving her mom a small smile even though she knew she could see right through it.

Her mom gave her a knowing look before turning back to Holly, who was tapping her shoulder frantically. Y/N couldn’t bring herself to look up at Steve, but she knew he was still looking down at her. She nearly winced when his hand reached for her thigh, giving her a comforting squeeze as he finally looked away. It was killing him that he didn’t know what was wrong, but he didn’t want to start something in the middle of a family dinner that could potentially end poorly.

The only thing on Y/N’s mind during dinner was Steve and Nancy, and the fact that she felt like a second pick to her sister in anything and everything. It was enough to make her appetite go away. She couldn’t look at him or her sister without feeling sick, her stomach tying itself into a tighter knot with every minute.

The rest of dinner felt like it took an eternity, and she only stared at her plate for the rest of the time. Steve tried to carry on a conversation with Jonathan while dinner finished up, but Y/N’s sad demeanor was distracting. She was the first to leave the dinner table, excusing herself without letting anyone know. She rushed up the stairs and into the bathroom she shared with Nancy, sliding her back down the wall to sit on the floor next to the toilet.

For the first time all night, she let out a quiet sob. Her thoughts made her dizzy and she felt like she couldn’t see straight, purely out of anger and spite. She knew she didn’t have much of a reason to be so upset, but the thoughts of Steve settling for her had been eating away at her mind for days.

A small knock on the door made her jump as she choked on another sob, her full attention going in that direction.

“Y—Yes?” she said, trying to make herself sound as put together as she could in the situation.

“Y/N, it’s me.” Steve said from the other side of the door, his ear on the door to hear her. “Can I come in?”

“No! Don’t!” she yelled, blocking the door handle quickly as she heard him sigh in frustration. “I—I think you should just go home, Steve. I don’t feel good right now.”

“You felt fine earlier, seriously, Y/N. What’s wrong?” he insisted, but got radio silence in reply. “Well, if you don’t want to tell me, I’ll just wait out here until you decide to let me in.”

“S—Steve, just go home, please.” she whimpered, leaning against the door as she spoke through it.

“I told you, I’m not going home! I’m not leaving you when you’re upset, even if you won’t tell me what I did wrong.” he said, settling down on the floor outside of the bathroom. “I’ll wait for you, even if it means I’m out here all night.”

In that moment, she hated how good of a boyfriend Steve actually was. She felt like she was punched in the gut when he suggested that he did something wrong but couldn’t figure out what it was because she knew he was eating himself alive about. She didn’t really know why she was even mad at him, but she couldn’t help it. Steve truly was wracking his brain for any small details of what he could’ve done wrong in the last day, but couldn’t think of anything. On one side of the door, Steve listened to his girlfriend struggling to hold back sniffles and small sobs. On the other side of the door, Y/N was listening to the words for Waiting for a Girl Like You replay in her mind.

Minutes turned into an hour as they sat on the floor, neither of them daring to acknowledge the person on the other side of the door. Jonathan and El were gone by this point and Mike was in the basement while Karen was trying to get Holly to bed finally. Nancy walked up the stairs to see Steve leaned against the bathroom door, a feeling of guilt running through them both.

“She won’t come out.” Steve sighed when Nancy gave him a sympathetic smile.

Nancy only shrugged when he looked in her direction, not wanting to upset the girl on the other side of the door who was listening intently. Steve ran his hand through his hair and leaned his head against the door as Nancy walked into her bedroom, listening for any sign of Y/N wanting to come out.

“Y/N, please. I just want to talk! We can talk, right?” he pleaded.

“We can talk right here.” she said bluntly as she stared at the wall in front of her, not wanting him to see her tear-stained cheeks and red eyes.

“No, please, baby.” he begged, reaching up for the door handle but stopping himself from trying to open it. “I want to see you, I can’t understand what’s going on unless I can talk to you face-to-face.”

The other side of the door was silent for a moment while Y/N thought about what to do next. She knew how stubborn Steve was, and she knew he wasn’t giving up any time soon. It was useless for her to tell him to leave again, even though she was afraid to tell him how she really was feeling. But, she pushed past her doubts and opened the door, curling up into herself as she did to hide her face.

“I can talk to you face-to-face if you won’t look at me.” Steve joked, nudging her arm softly. “Please look at me. What’s going on?”

“It’s stupid.” she mumbled. “It’s just a bunch of bullshit.”

“W—What?” Steve stammered, taken aback by the word bullshit being muttered to him by another Wheeler sibling.

“This! It’s stupid! Pretending like I don’t think about you dating Nancy? Pretending like I believe that you love me? Pretending like everything’s okay?” she said, finally looking up at him as she threw her arms in defeat. “Do I look like everything’s okay?”

“No—No, you don’t. But I—“

“Are you over Nancy?” she asked abruptly, watching him cautiously.

“Of course I am!” he said immediately, making her sigh in relief that he didn’t take a second thought.

“Do you still love her?” she questioned, the words harder to force from her throat this time.

“No. No. I don’t.” Steve said desperately while staring at her as she stared blankly at the wall in front of her, emotionless. “I love you.”

“Today when we were on the way to my house for dinner, that—that Foreigner song that I love was playing, Waiting for a Girl Like You. I was trying to remember who showed me the song, but I just—I just couldn’t remember for the life of me. But then, you turned the radio station and I saw the look on your face. You looked sad, like someone had just killed a puppy in front of you.” she began, not daring to look at him as she spoke. “That’s when it clicked, Nance showed me that song two years ago. She played it every damn day after things were good again.”

“Y/N, I don’t—“ Steve started, but she held her hand up to cut him off.

“I want to finish, Steve.” she sighed and he nodded quickly, recoiling against the wall. “That was the song you played for her when you guys—you know—did whatever on that night she snuck over with Barb. She was so in love with that song because it was so special for you guys, she told me that she’d never stop listening to it. But—But she did stop. And when she did was when she realized she fell out of love with you. But you—you never fell out of love like she did. You loved her until the end and—and you hate that song because you think that maybe there’s a possibility that you still love her, not me. I was just the closest thing you could get to her.”

Steve couldn’t help but laugh under his breath as he shook his head. As much as he wanted to deny it, she wasn’t completely wrong. He didn’t realize that he had continued laughing until he looked up to see the broken expression on his girlfriend’s face.

“Why are you even laughing right now?” she asked, shaking her head as she watched the small smile fall from his face.

“Because—I don’t know, honestly. Maybe because you’re halfway right?” he said, not knowing the answer to his own question. “But, not about still being in love with Nancy, of course. I don’t love her and I haven’t for a while now. I do hate that song, though. But it’s because it reminds me of the last time that my life was good.”

The words bit into her heart like a goddamn demogorgon, hungry to hurt her in any way possible. Steve didn’t mean it in the way that she took it, though. She could tell he didn’t by the look on his face, so she stayed quiet while he paused to take a hitched breath.

“It was that night that I thought my life was on the up and up, but it really wasn’t. It went to shit after that day. We—we killed Barb—“

“You didn’t kill her—“

“Yeah, we didn’t kill her. But we let that thing, that monster, take her because I was stupid and didn’t think of anybody but myself because I was an asshole. Then everything went downhill and my girlfriend fell out of love with me, I didn’t even notice but you know why?” he asked bitterly and she shook her head. “Because I was still holding onto what I thought I had with her. But I was really just holding onto that god-forsaken night, the last night when everything my life alright. And I’d listen to that song too, even after the end I did. When I stopped listening to it was when I realized I had found better things, when I found you.”

“You’re just saying that to make me feel better.” she seethed, clenching her jaw to hold herself together.

“But I’m not! Once Nancy broke things off, I—I believed that nothing would ever go right for me. Everyone thought everything was fine, right? Because I had to put on a show for the sake of my family.” he confessed.

His voice finally showing signs of pain as he spoke this time, but he didn’t want to hold back. He was rambling at this point, but it was comforting for both of them in some odd way. His sanity was hanging on by a thread that unraveled just a little more with every tear she let slip, but they were slowing down now.

“I acted like things were okay and held onto that damn night like my life depended on it. Because after that night, I became the best damn actor, I became the best stupid, happy teen boy that Hawkins had ever seen; I even believed the act I was putting on.” he sighed, leaning his head against the wall to stare at the ceiling.

“You were looking for a distraction from your acting and I was convenient.” she replied quietly. “The naïve little sister of your ex who wouldn’t take a second glance at the bigger picture of how stupid it all was, right?”

“No—No. You weren’t convenient at all, really.” he laughed, reaching to graze his fingertips across her knuckles. “It wasn’t easy when everyone was telling me it wasn’t worth it, that it’d be too weird to try to even talk to you, that you probably didn’t want me like I wanted you. But I didn’t listen because I saw that look in your eyes when you smiled at me, you looked happy and—and like you wanted to be with me; I ignored everyone because I knew it was worth it. So no, you weren’t convenient. You were far from it, you kinda still are. I think you’re worth it.”

She still stared at the wall in front of her as she let his words process in her mind, the feeling of his fingers against her knuckles soothing her. He watched as she tore herself apart inside, trying to find her own answers.

“You know you’re not my second choice, right?” he interjected, making her eyes flicker in his direction as he squeezed her hand. “If Nancy wanted me back, I wouldn’t care. I know she came first, but that doesn’t mean shit. I didn’t realize that you were right in front of me and that you’d bring so much happiness to my life.”

“You’re so cheesy.” she scoffed as her heart fluttered when he smiled in her direction.

“It’s true! I swear, it really is, Y/N. I love you.” he said as he moved towards her, taking her head in his hands to look into her eyes.

“I love you too, Steve.” she said softly, smiling at him for the first time all night as she leaned over to kiss him softly.

[dissociatedabyss]

i’ll fucking explain it. after having two extra children in the house for may and june (my brother in laws kids), meaning at times (everyday) i was responsible for kids ages 2.5, 7, 10, and 15, and feeling like i was truly hitting my breaking point, we took the two extra ones back home along with the teenager to stay for a bit.

it was so nice to have that responsibility lifted. i didn’t even have to keep taking the toddler to the babysitter after the first week. so the last two weeks have been great. but they went by so quick. and sunday we picked up the 15 year old and 10 year old. my wife asked about the younger one coming too after she called us crying on the fourth of july, i feel bad for the kid, how can i say no?

we get in a bad mood sunday night bc of this little fight with my wife and then it hits us that it’s back to sharing my wife’s attention with the girls (you can imagine the conflict from jealousy from young parts). when the kids are here we just don’t get our alone time at night with her before bed which i never realized was so important bc we just lay and watch tv and talk but yeah. so that trigger is remembered then.

then monday we are reminded of the stress of trying to entertain a 10 year old. the teen is fine sitting on her phone all day, (not that i’m okay w her doing that) but the younger one is used to running around outside with all the neighbor kids all day. she wants to do this and this and this and i don’t know how to keep her happy while not giving her whatever she wants.

yesterday i’m reminded of how much i hate having to take the toddler to daycare. i can’t even explain why except it’s a nuisance and fucking annoying getting a little kid dressed and ready. i have never wanted kids. literally ever. and now here i am. with all these kids. i’m also reminded yesterday of how hard it is to complete the amount of work that i need to with the kids here. i mean i struggle already bc of mental health shit, but adding the kids means part of my mind is always focused on if they’re okay, what they’re doing, etc so i’m always stopping to check on them or i’m interrupted by them when i actually do have a flow going and i have to make sure they eat enough and i never do that for myself so it’s like extra energy to remember for them and that stresses me out and makes me feel incompetent.

so today was supposed to be my sister in laws day off. i was planning on having all responsibilities absolved for the day while i did laundry, cleaned, and did as much school work as possible. i find out last night at 11pm, only because i asked, that she’s actually working today so i do need to take the toddler to the babysitter. i was pissed. no heads up.

my wife woke me up before she left for work, which part of us absolutely hates anyways bc she’s always complaining about being tired which i get bc she’s on her feet all day for work but is always waking me up early like before six when i can never fall asleep before 12 and she’s been passed out since 9, ANYWAYS

i mention that i cant do laundry bc now i have the girls to worry about all day and it would’ve been nice to have a heads up. which she insisted she told me monday that her sister was working today, which we have no memory of, but even if she did she never said we’d have to take the toddler anyways.

so she gets upset and says “don’t worry we’ll take him” and that is something that will fuck me up into some rage.. like i never said i wouldn’t take him, i just wanted a better heads up, but now i feel like i’m some piece of shit and it just leads to a bigger fight that started from me asking for more heads up and explaining how i forgot how much it takes to have these kids here and some problems from yesterday i didn’t get the chance to talk about last night bc she was asleepppp.

i feel like an asshole for not wanting to deal with these kids. but i just don’t! it’s not that i don’t love them and don’t want them in my life.. i just don’t want them in my home. i’ve never wanted the responsibility of kids. not until i’m way way older but more than anything- healed from my own shit. i was parentified as a child! and now it’s happening again after moving across the country from my own family! that’s why it’s so triggering. i don’t want anyone other than my wife. that’s it. i don’t want a mom in here who constantly triggers my parts with mom issues. i don’t want to take care of kids which constantly triggers the parts who are angry about the way we had to take care of our brothers physically and our parents emotionally. it has taken so much out of me. even before the extra kids, when they first moved in, my school productivity dropped significantly and i haven’t gotten it back. it’s fucking up my god damn plans. i can’t handle this shit i can’t live with a whole fucking family i never wanted and still manage to get my phd at the speed that i planned on. how do i accept my wife’s apology for “causing all of this” when all i can feel is anger and resentment about all of it?

[kiyokoks]

50 Questions You’ve Never Been Asked

i was tagged by @baqukou so let’s do this !!

1.  What is the color of your hairbrush? my main one is purple but i have a yellow wet brush for after i shower :P

2. Name a food you never eat? olives !! i can’t stand them, every time i get a beef empanada i personally stick my fingers inside and pull the olive out 

3. Are you typically too warm or too cold? too warm! i get hot super easily i’m like an overpowered space heater

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago? playing animal crossing: new horizons on my switch lite !! i laid down the construction for the river bridge and am trying to build three new houses for arriving villagers :))

5.  What is your favorite candy bar? it’s not from canada so i can’t always have it but from peru aka where my mom is from but the white chocolate sublime bar w nuts !!! it’s so good i ration my candy from the motherland

6. Have you ever been to a professional sports event? yea! in jr high aside from playing basketball, i qualified for the edmonton public schools zones sports fest for running, though i can’t remember which dash in particular

7. What is the last thing you said out loud? “voya ir a me cuarto” aka im going to go to my room in spanish to my mom

8. What is your favorite ice cream? mint chocolate chip! i love the sweet but spearmint taste

9. What was the last thing you had to drink? coffee with sugar and almond milk 

10. Do you like your wallet? yes !! it’s a white coach wallet my mom bought me when we went to calgary cross iron mills mall it’s super cute

11. What was the last thing you ate? quesadillas for breakfast bc they’re easy to cook (i’m lactose intolerant but some things are worth the abdominal pain!!)

12. Did you buy any new clothes last weekend? i got two new shirts i ordered online from hot topic !! one of them is a black my hero academia heroes rising movie poster shirt, and one is a yellow bakugou t-shirt 

13. The last sporting event you watched? the haikyuu!! season 3 shiratorizawa match

14. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn? caramel omg my mom makes the best caramel popcorn with nuts 

15.  Who is the last person you sent a text message to? my best friend ally !! she let me visit her island yesterday to chop trees for that last bit of softwood i needed for timmy and tommy’s shop

16. Ever go camping? yea! my jr high had an annual fall camping trip for 3 days where we’d hang out and play games at night it was awesome i actually miss it a lot

17.  Do you take vitamins? yea lmao my mom always worries that i’m not eating well and need vitamins

18. Do you go to church every Sunday? i used to, but now i have a shift in the morning at w*rk every sunday so nope not anymore

19. Do you have a tan? you bet! my mom is from peru but she’s kinda light-skinned (by south american standards) but my dad is from el salvador and is VERY brown skinned so i have a very obvious brown tan all year round bc genetics !! it’s obvs darker in the summer tho 

20.  Do you prefer Chinese food or pizza? chinese food all the way babeyyy !! dim sum is so fucking good i could never give it up, i even had my 18th birthday at a chinese hot pot restaurant w all of my homegirls

21. Do you drink your soda with a straw? nope lolol i think i did once or twice at like a party

22. What color socks do you usually wear? usually pink or purple 

23.  Do you ever drive above the speed limit? i don’t drive but if i did i wouldn’t i hate reckless drivers so fucking much

24. What terrifies you? needles and gory medical procedures !! i remember when i watched the 100 and one of the season finales where they extract bone marrow was rough for me to watch i screamed very quietly 

25. Look to your left, what do you see? im sitting down at my desk so my switch lite

26. What chore do you hate? laundry bc if u fuck it up there’s real consequences

27. What do you think of when you hear an Australian accent? i have to hold myself back from laughing it’s so funny

28. What’s your favorite soda? another thing from the motherland but inca cola !! it’s kinda hard to find but when i do get it ohhh my goddd

29. Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive-thrus? typically im hanging out w my friends when i get fast food so yea we go inside 

30. Who’s the last person you talked to? my mami 

31. Favorite cut of beef? tendon!! it’s so fucking good in Vietnamese pho i sometimes pay for extra 

32.  Last song you listened to? boy with luv (feat. halsey) by bts

33. Last book you read? does fic count ?? bc if so chapter 28 of the devil ships zeku on ao3

34. Favorite day of the week? monday !! bc no w*rk and it’s the start of a new week

35. Can you say the alphabet backwards? god nope nope no i don’t have the brain cells

36. How do you like your coffee? with sugar and almond milk though idk how much sugar i just kinda match it with the amount of instant coffee whoops

37. Favorite pair of shoes? my red timberland boots !! they go with everything i wear and are super comfy for a long day at uni, plus they can take any kind of weather (this sounds like a sales pitch lmfaoofhf)

38. The time you normally go to sleep? pre-quarantine was like 10:30PM since i had to wake up at 5 to get ready in time for my mom to drop me off at the bus stop for my 8AM classes but quarantine bedtime is more like 1AM now

39.  The time you normally get up? usually around 7am or 8am, but for w*rk on the weekends around 6am

40. What do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets? sunsets!! they’re so pretty to look at 

41. How many blankets on your bed? four !! i sleep with four blankets at night so i’m ultra warm

42. Describe your kitchen plates: hmmm well they’re white with a nice flower pattern, but we also have some tiny plain white ones and then some multicoloured plastic ones

43.  Do you have a favorite alcoholic beverage? well i don’t like alcohol in general but the one time i did try it w my friends at a restaurant it was kinda sweet so that was nice

44.  Do you play cards? kind of ?? if someone brings a pack of cards im down but i never carry any myself

45.  What color is your car? i don’t have a car but black would be nice 

46. Can you change a tire? nope i don’t drive and on top of that i’m a dumbass HOWEVER if i do get a car i will learn how to !!

47. Your favorite province? British Columbia bc they don’t have dumbass, oil loving, neo-con war hawk fuckwits like we do here in alberta

48. Favorite job you’ve ever had? i pretty much hate my job with everything that is inside me but doing online grocery delivery has almost no customer interaction so i like that

49.  How did you get your biggest scar? hmmm well i have one on my left ankle from when i sprained it by being a dumbass and trying to ballet spin on my slippery kitchen floor with socks on but other than that i have no scars

50. What did you do today that made someone else happy? i let my little sister play on my switch lite for a bit with a different game and i helped my mom with her virtual farm on her ipad

thanks for tagging me !! feel free to do this if u want but im gonna take @thebakuboy @bakugobinch @detectivejigsawpines and @noticemedeku

[afewmarvelousthoughts]

Truth Pt. 13

Master List @afewmarvelousthoughtsadmin

Request:

What’s up sug! sorry you’re struggling right now but I’ve come to help you If you could bring this to light for me I’d absolutely love for YOU TO DO JT So basically Bucky X Enhanced reader who are fuckin enemies. Hate each other to every last fiber of their beings bc Bucky is rude and she calls him out on it. AnywHs, they get drunk, truth or dare (go crZy baby) and LOTS LF dirty talk if u wanna do smut but if u don’t then buck taking care of her while she’s drunk cause she admitted her feelings

Pairing: Bucky X Reader (Enhanced)

Summary: Since The Avengers gave you a home the only blight has been Bucky Barnes, a ghost from your past that you can’t seem to shake. It makes you hate him. The feeling, it seems, is mutual. But… a simple game reveals that maybe things aren’t quite so simple. (Post Winter Soldier AU)

Warnings: Everything. Seriously. Feels, angst, violence, death, smut, fluff, trauma, literally everything.

A/N: The moment this crazy story ran away with me I knew so much of this was coming. It’s partially why I wrote the last chapter just to put off writing this one. I don’t want to say anything more because I just can’t but yeah. 

Also HUGE thanks to @wonderlandmind4 and @courtmr for betaing this monster. 

OH! And there is another chapter after this.

Tags are open!

@midnightdream83 @mywinterwolf @disagreetoagree @breezy1415 @peachthatdrinkslemonade @wonderlandmind4 @piensa-bonito @handplucked @buckysstar @sam-jae @marauderconvos –harder @for-the-love-of-the-fandom @andreagf956 @marvelousmeggi @jewelofwinter @fairislesheets  @animegirlgeeky @lydklein1 @katecolleen @siriuslycloudy2 @zannemes

Tony insisted everyone meet for brunch on Sunday around 11am. While you appreciate the gesture, after the late-night surrounded by so many people you’re kind of dreading it.

“We should make an appearance.” Bucky insists, slipping into his jeans while you’re still in one of his tee’s and your underwear in bed.

“Who even are you?”

“What?”

“Since when are you so keen on socializing?”

He laughs, “Guess you’re rubbing off on me.”

“Yeah,” begrudgingly you crawl from the bed.

“It’s a low bar babe.” As you walk to the closet he grabs you and places a nipping playful kiss on the back of your neck.

“Mmm, sure you wanna go?” You purr, reaching back and pulling his hips close.

“Yep,” he slaps your ass hard. “Get dressed.”

Just about everyone is lounging in the common space save for Hill, who you saw leave the party last night with a knockout blonde.

“Morning!” Steve booms from the kitchen, pouring himself some OJ. From across the room, a blueberry hits Steve right between the eyes.

“We talked about this Rogers. Inside voices,” Clint groans, head falling back on the couch.

“Go a little hard last night Clint?” You pat his forehead as you walk by, he grunts in response.

Tony rounds the corner, “Oh the IT couple is here finally.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Tony laughs and plucks the paper Sam holds up from his hands.

“Check out who’s gracing the front of the Styles section.” He presses the Times into your hands and you stare down at a picture of you and Bucky from the night before.

The story is just a general overview of the gala but there, big and in color, are you and Bucky on the dance floor. It must have been just after the song ended. His hands are on your waist, the smile on his face brighter than the sun, your head is tossed back in a laugh. You look like any happy couple… Save for the fact that you weren’t just any couple.

“You’re on the website too,” Nat walks up and hands you her tablet.

There’s a gallery from the evening featuring everyone but there are quite a few candid photos of you and Bucky. One your head is resting on his chest, his lips pressed to your forehead. The caption reads: “Avenger team members, Barnes and Michaels, share a tender moment.” You aren’t sure how you feel about it. From the tension in Bucky’s jaw, he doesn’t know either.

“You can’t buy good PR like that,” Pepper says making herself and Natasha mimosas. “The two of you were just perfect.”

You both only stay for a bit. Unsettled by your images being so widely shared after living your lives in shadow for so long. It was a very abrupt change…

Back in the apartment, you pick up the paper that was always left by the door, Bucky liked doing the crossword. You look at the picture again. Shaking your head.

“You ok?” Bucky comes up behind you, gently rubbing your back.

“Yeah… just… my mom is definitely turning in her grave right now.”

“Good or bad way?”

“Good,” you laugh a small hollow sound. “Her daughter in the society pages. She’d be beside herself. I can hear her now,” your accent tries to echo your mom’s soft German accent. “Finally you got it right my little firefly.”

“Firefly?” His expression is achingly soft.

“Mhm. I used to be obsessed with them when I was little. Always chasing them and catching them for her. So it became a nickname.”

“I bet they’re both very proud of you, doll.”

You shrug. “I’m… I’m gonna hop in the shower.”

Two days later you go into the office for a pen to keep score in Scrabble and notice something new on the wall. The picture of you two from the paper beautifully framed. Your breath catches in your throat. It’s placed next to a picture of a young you with your parents, all three of you smiling and happy and a photo of him with his sisters and Steve, all of them smiling. Happy moments spanning almost a century, the two of you connecting them…

“Ich liebe euch beide,” (I love you both.) you whisper to your parents’ photo. “Sorry, it took me so long to get it together… I wish you could meet him… you’d like him.” Your eyes slide to the picture of you both.

You kiss your fingers and press them to the picture of your little family before wiping your eyes and heading out.

-

Bucky’s leg is bouncing at a ridiculous rate until you set your hand on his knee, giving it a squeeze. He looks at you, knowing he looks like he’s about to burst open. It’s taking everything in him to shut up.

“So,” your voice is so steady, he can’t understand how you’re not as nervous as he is right now. “You’re sure this one is legit?”

Tony sighs, “Yeah. After the last two, we figured if we came across something similar to your signature again we’d monitor the area for a bit longer, see if or how the readings change.”

He runs a hand over his face as he looks over the images floating over the table. “The readings are strong… really strong. The draw on the power grid is insane. And… well, we’ve picked up all the variations of your energy signature… it’s not coincidence.”

The fact that the chances of them finding assets similar to you are incredibly high isn’t what has him on edge. It’s that the industrial complex the readings are emitting from is just outside of Odessa in Ukraine… It’s too close to what was once Hydra’s hotbed… It’s very possible that this is the facility you were made at, he knows you have to realize this.

The last place with a matching energy signature had been a place they’d housed you for a while. That alone wrecked you. To go back to where it all started… who knew what that may do to you emotionally.

“How volatile is this, Tony?” Steve’s tone is gravel.

Tony just stares a bit and Bruce answers, “Very. The emissions have been steadily climbing over the past couple of weeks. Only thing is we can’t really get a lock on how many are running the place… no way to know what we may run into.”

“But we can’t ignore it,” Sam’s gaze is locked on the screen’s, determination setting his features.

“No,” Tony agrees in a solemn voice. “We absolutely can’t.”

They head out tomorrow evening so they’ll land in Ukraine in the early morning hours. The hope being that the cover of darkness will give them a tactical advantage, the last thing they want is for them to abandon ship and set up elsewhere again. With any luck, this will be how they put an end to this particular project once and for all. He knows that will bring you peace of some kind.

Once the tactical brief is over and you’re back in the safety of your apartment Bucky wordlessly pulls you toward the bedroom. He needs to feel your skin against his. He needs to touch you, set you alight in the best way possible, see the sparkles in your eyes.

“Buck-” he cuts you off with a kiss, his hands sliding under your hoodie. Your body responds to his touch the way he hoped it would goosebumps rising, heart rate increasing, your hands grasping the waist of his jeans to hold him close.

At this point, you’ve learned the ins and outs of the other’s body. Even so every time he feels your touch it feels like the first time. He still is amazed you want him. He’s still so goddamn thankful.

He pulls your hoodie over your head and slides your leggings down your powerful thighs. Holding you by your hips he lifts you just a touch and gently tosses you back on the bed. Your small giggle fills him with warmth.

Once you’re free of your leggings entirely he runs kisses down your thighs, letting his stubble rub against the tender skin in that way that makes you shudder. His tongue flits across your clit causing you to let out a low sensual sound. He’s aching, throbbing against the confines of his jeans. He ignores it. Right now he wants to make you feel good. To chase away any thoughts that aren’t pleasure.

After he’s lost count of the number of times he’s made you come you pant, “No more, please. I… you, I need to feel you, Bucky, please.” He smiles. It’s cute how you said please as if he’d ever say no.

Morning comes too quickly for his liking.

You shower together and it’s not until you’re drying your hair he finally says something about the mission, “If you can’t handle this, Y/N it’s ok. No one would judge you.”

Turning you give him a weak smile, “Are you really worried that I can’t handle it, babe? Or can you not…”

He traces your brow with his metal fingers, “I just don’t want this to get to you like the last one or… the first one… with the woman…” You take his hand in yours, studying his face.

“It won’t.”

“You don’t know that, Y/N.”

“I do.” This time your smile is full, lighting up your features. “I have you. Nothing will ever be like it was before.” You look away, your brow knitting before meeting his gaze once more, “Bucky… I… you… I don’t feel broken anymore. Because of you.”

His chest constricts. Immediately he pulls you to him, crushing you to his chest. “You were never broken, Y/N. Never.”

-

As soon as the jet lands a mile away from the facility, you steel yourself. The fizzing in your head and a sick feeling in your stomach that began the moment you saw the shots Tony pulled up told you everything your own memories couldn’t really touch.

You had done your best to relay what information you could in today’s briefing. Everything from writing and drawing to miming, like some weird party game, was utilized. Hydra was smart, they knew it was always best for their dogs to know where home was but to never be able to lead anyone to it.

For what it was worth they knew the three-story building in the center of the complex was the main hub. The others were just storage, additional offices, nothing worth too much note and as best they could tell they weren’t being used at the moment. Underneath that building and snaking under the complex were at least four stories of labs, R & D facilities, medical facilities, training areas, holding cells, etc.

Since Tony and Bruce’s scans had revealed the same shifting energy signature that you emitted it was safe to assume they had, at least somewhat successfully, created another asset with abilities like your own if not multiple. The team is aware there’s a chance these people will likely be similar to the one you Nat, Steve, and Bucky faced all those months ago. Because of this the general consensus was to put them down, they couldn’t save them and they would be too big of a risk otherwise.

The main goal is to remove the possibility of these assets being sent out to wreak whatever havoc Hydra had planned. After that, they would get any intel they possibly could hard copy or otherwise and destroy any means they used to create you. With any luck, this would be the end of this branch of Hydra’s research. And you could close this chapter of your story once and for all.

“Alright,” Steve gets everyone’s attention, standing near the front of the jet. “We’re all clear on what we’re facing? And that Y/N has point here?”

A resounding Yes sends chills up your spine. No one knew what they were walking into, not really, and the idea of being the lead… You weren’t a leader. You were an asset. Trained to infiltrate, kill, obey. You didn’t lead you were led… led until you’d finally tell someone to go fuck themselves. Then they just reset you… a machine made, for one thing, destruction.

“Y/N?” Sam’s voice is soothing next to you.

“Yeah, sorry. I’m good.” Bucky’s metal hand gives yours a gentle squeeze.

Sighing heavily you release Bucky’s hand and stand next to Steve. “Like Tony said earlier, Jarvis can scan for energy signatures and alert everyone if something is about to go haywire but it’s not perfect. If you feel your skin begin to prickle, the temperature drop, or anything that’s remotely odd move on quickly. You engage with someone like me one shot to the head or the heart is the best course of action,” the tension around this point is palpable. “Physically attack as little as possible because it could trigger them to blow and if they’re good enough they can kill you on contact.”

You feel the energy shift under your own skin, “And if I say run, get the fuck out. We’re not losing anyone over this.”  Your fist flexes by your side, thin tendrils of static glowing around it.

“Let’s end this.” Steve plants a heavy reassuring hand on your shoulder.

Everyone knows what their role is. Sam and Clint are covering the perimeter and outbuildings, taking out anyone they see and being their eyes on any suspicious activity that may indicate something going wrong inside. Tony is with Natasha and Hill while you’re with Steve and Bucky, the idea being that each grouping had someone who could lock in on energy signatures quickly. They would take the upper levels while your team would take the lower.

Though energy made it hard to scan for movement and heat signatures Tony was able to modify the coms to work. They had tested it over and over with your own power thrumming nearby and you were both confident he had it sorted. At the very least, you’d all be able to communicate what was happening.

Sam stops the van just outside the first building in the complex and you all file out before he tucks it away somewhere.

No one engages with you all on the first floor. It’s eerily quiet but you can feel that low pulse of power coming from somewhere below you, generators and something far more familiar. Bile rises in your throat and you struggle to force it down.

Tony’s group splits to head up while Steve and Bucky look for an access point down. You can’t seem to move. After a minute Bucky realizes you’re stuck.

“Baby,” his arms encircle you, the feeling of his touch and his familiar scent grounding you. “If you can’t do this-”

You shake your head. When you open your mouth at first nothing comes out, some part of your brain screaming that you aren’t supposed to speak here. “I w… want t… to.” You stutter but manage it. Small as it is it feels like a victory.

Steve lays a warm hand on your upper back, it's comforting to have both of them with you. “I got nothin’ but there’s gotta be a way down.”

There’s a ringing in your ears as you try to think, you press your forehead into Bucky’s chest squeezing your eyes closed trying your best to focus. It hits you, no stairs from here, an elevator hidden. Without a word you pull away from the both of them and walk robotically toward an office to the right.

The walls are wood paneling, a desk and chairs and books sit as though they’re just waiting for someone to come back from lunch. You know they’ve been in the same position for near 30 years. Automatically your hand reaches for the pencil cup, fingers effortlessly locating the one pen that doesn’t move. The innocuous sound of a pen clicking is followed by the whooshing of an elevator.

You all exchange a glance. An elevator was risky but… it would be faster.

“Y/N found an access point down. Elevator, fifth office door on the right, click the red pen in the cup. We’ll take it to the bottom and work our way up.” Steve updates the rest of the team.

“Be careful,” Natasha responds.

“We’ve cleared the second level, no one here. Once we’re done we’ll head down too.” Tony sounds tense. Someone should be here. Likely they were all downstairs… waiting.

Steve presses the fourth button, at least you were right about that. The doors close and each of the men takes one of your hands. From the corner of your eye, you see Bucky cast Steve a small but appreciative smile. As the elevator slows Steve releases your hand and moves in front of you both, shield out.

The doors open and there’s silence for a moment. All three of your heads swivel to the left, enhanced ears picking up on the slightest sounds. It’s over quickly. Steve shields you all from the bullets. One asset is like you, but like the other their attacks are unrefined. Steve manages to block a bolt with the shield.

“Down!” You command Steve and Bucky.

They hit the ground and a second later you send a white-hot bolt of energy slicing through the group. Some dodge of course but none save for the asset is fast enough to avoid your next volley. The asset lunges at you, hands sparkling. Bucky plants a bullet between their eyes in an instant and they’re down, energy dissipating.

As you make your way through the level you’re met with two other factions, neither have another asset like you though. There are a couple of muzzled assets but they go down like all the rest. This is not, after all, a mission where mercy can be afforded.

You’re picking your way through the medical ward. The pulsating energy from the generators makes your skin tingle, small sparks rising from you every now and then. A couple of computers are still running and you wipe them clean, hoping there’s something useful there. Once you take what you need you fry them to a pile of bubbling metal and plastic.

The underground levels are expansive, and after almost two hours of fighting and searching, you’re still not done here. Every passing minute seems to bring a new fragment of memory shooting through your skull. You keep them to yourself though, it’s not the time for them.

Tony’s voice crackles in through the coms. “Nat’s down. Entered what looked like a room with a boxing ring, it was electrified or something. Her vitals are steady but she’s unconscious.”

You grasp your head in your hands, trying to convince yourself that your skull isn’t going to fly apart. “T… training,” is all you can get out.

“Didn’t copy,” Hill’s voice chimes in.

“Y/N says those are training areas,” Steve looks to you for confirmation and you nod. “Avoid any room like that you see.”

You shake your head redirecting your mind to thoughts that weren’t about the facility so your tongue would obey you. “Go help them.” Steve looks like he’s going to argue, “We’ve got this. With Nat down, they’re down a person up there and someone needs to have an eye on her while she comes too since we can’t just leave her in the jet.”

“She’s right Steve. And in charge,” he throws his friend a wink. “We can handle ourselves. Go.”

Steve nods, “I’m heading to you, hold your position.”

You think this area is almost clear. At least until you cautiously you open two double doors that lead into a viewing area. Chairs are aligned in rows, bolted to the ground. Maybe enough for 20-30 people However they don’t face a screen.

In the corner of the room is a clear wall of what seems to be some kind of reinforced glass set between steel beams. Beyond that wall is a decently sized room. The only entry from where you stand is a door made out of the same clear material lined in metal supports. The two other walls of the room are stark white save for a window revealing a dark space beyond.

Your breath hisses out of you, Bucky turns concerned. “What is it?” Like a fish dropped on dry land your mouth opens and closes, nothing but small noises escaping, your brain screaming to tell him but your body unable to comply. “It’s ok baby,” the fingers of his right hand caress your cheek. “It’s ok.” Quickly he leans down and kisses you softly.

His touch. That’s what you focus on. Grabbing his hand you think about how good it feels when his skin is against yours, how good it felt last night to be with him. This seems to work, to allow you to take back some authority.

“There’s more.” Your voice is low but steady. “Through there.” You point toward the glass. “Research I think.” Bucky nods and you both proceed.

As you get closer though the energy levels rise higher. This room is like the one that zapped Nat… His hand goes for the handle.

“Wait!” He freezes. “Let me go first. I think it… it’s…” Fuck them for taking your words. You hold up your hand and let the power lash out in mini lightning bolts to demonstrate.

“Got it. Then we leave it.”

“No.”

His expression is exasperated when he turns to you. “Y/N you said-”

“It won’t hurt me. We have to clear everything.”

“Fine, if it goes too far back though.”

“I won’t proceed. There’s gotta be a way to shut it off close by anyway. I’ll look for that first.” He’s clearly not thrilled and honestly, you’re not either but you want to do this right. You kiss his cheek before opening the door.

The door and the walls are at least ten inches thick, the space around the door reinforced to a ridiculous amount and clearly only meant to be opened from the outside. Immediately you’re flooded with that energy, pure power, electric and hot flowing into you. After a few steps, you stop, having to take a moment to gather yourself.

“Doll?” Bucky calls after you, his voice dripping with concern.

“I’m ok,” you hold your right arm out thin strands of energy flowing from you to the ground. To your surprise the feeling clears your head a bit, you feel more in control than you have this whole time.

“I think… I think there’s one more level.” You turn to him. “Down. Where this,” you hold open your hand and light pulses so bright it’s almost blinding, “comes from. “Where I-”

“Y/N!” Bucky bellows moving to enter the room despite the risk. You’re incredibly thankful the door slams, preventing him from killing himself in here. You hear him fire his gun at the glass to no avail as you turn.

The room to the back is lit all the sudden, the power around you beginning to dissipate.  A comm seems to switch on and you can hear Bucky’s voice screaming.

“Goddamnit! Steve, we have a situation back and left of where we split. Double doors. Backup now!”

You’re about to turn to tell him there’s gotta be another entrance and that you can hear him when a panel in the wall opens. You brace yourself for a fight, light coursing up your arms, lashing out ready to be released. A smirk plays on your face, they charged these rooms to trap people but only managed to give you a boost, unfortunate for them.

Instead of an asset or an agent though, a dignified older woman walks out. Her hair white and pulled into a familiar high bun. The set of her shoulders, the way her head is held, the way her eyes settle on you…

“Y/N!” Bucky screams, pounding on the door, trying in vain to get it open.

“Please, Sargeant Barnes, don’t make a fool of yourself,” the woman looks at him in disgust her accent softly Germanic. “This room was built to contain someone far more powerful than a recycled grunt like you could ever be.” She looks back to you, “Hello my little firefly.”

“Hurry!” Bucky bellows into the com. “Y/N! Baby doll, look at me.” He sounds like he’s a world away.

“M… mom?” You’re going to be sick you can feel it.

“Yes liebling,” she keeps her distance but gives you a smile. “It’s been too long. Longer to you I know. I wish that wasn’t the case but-”

You press the heels of your hands to your forehead as images flash. She was here… she had been… everywhere? What-

“This was not my preferred way my firefly but as always you have forced my hand.”

“I don’t-” you manage to breathe out. She takes a step toward you and you step back. Bucky is still pounding at the door with his metal fist, determined.

“You were born to be a wunderkind.” You can hear Steve in your crackling com, trying to find you but her voice cuts through everything. “My wunderkind. The honor to be chosen to be your mother…” She places her hand over her heart, “You were going to be the beginning of a new order for Hydra. A child raised in power-”

“W... what?!” This doesn’t make sense.

“Do you think you just happened to be stronger, faster, smarter all around better than your peers. No, my firefly.”

Suddenly you remember doctors visits throughout your childhood always with her. Your mother giving you injections telling you not to worry your dad because he was already so busy… The pushing the requirement to be perfect, it all takes on a sinister air.

“No, we made you better, all so you could become who you were meant to be. But instead, you threw it all away.” She sighs, a sound you grew familiar with as a teenager. “You forced my hand then, you’ve done so now.”

Steve is there, pounding with his shield, it’s not doing much, they call for Tony but you just can’t seem to care.

“It was one thing to work with trash like that,” she gestures to Bucky and Steve. “We could, I could, tolerate it while we got things sorted but to be with it. To debase yourself with Zola’s dog. I couldn’t stand by.”

“What did you say…” You growl, power once more pulsing.

“Don’t listen to her, Y/N!” Bucky calls out.

“I created you to surpass everyone, to stand above humanity. I made you-”

“You made me into a monster!” A bolt crashes just in front of her. Unimpressed she looks down.

“I made you into a god!” She sneers, “You made yourself into a disappointment.” That word hits you like a bullet to the chest. “Filling your body with filth. Associating with low lives. I did what any mother would do when it was clear there was no hope. I saved you from yourself!”

She takes a deep breath and composes herself. “We would have brought you back home in a gentler fashion. But when I saw those photos… I knew I had to extract you sooner.”

“Home,” you spit the word.

“Yes. This is your home, Y/N. With me.” You hear Tony in the com he’s coming. Once more she sighs, “No matter, soon you’ll remember who you are, what you were born to be. Doch’,” the Russian word for daughter zings through you.

Immediately you lift a glowing hand in threat, “Don’t.”

“Ubegay,” a smirk lifts her lips.

Your hand shakes as does your voice, “Mama, don’t.” Even after everything… the thought of killing your mother…

“Boginya,” you try to shoot her but you miss. “Rassvet.”

“Bucky!” You scream, power slipping away from you in response to the words. Frantically you run to the glass by the door.

“Y/N! Tony hurry!”

“Vybrannyy.”

He presses close as Steve keeps pounding at the handle, “Look at me baby,” his voice echoes over the com. “Stay-”

“Zashchishchat’.” You scream and fall to your knees holding your head. He kneels mouth moving but you can’t really understand the words. “Pod’yem.” Your body feels so heavy your head filled with humming, static, pain.

“Y/N!” He screams your name over and over. This man…

“Dvadtsat’,” another man outside, metal man. You rise slowly and turn toward the woman speaking. The woman with the words. “Dtanovit’sya.”

She smiles broadly, “Svetlyak.” Everything in you... freezes. “There’s my firefly.”

There’s a loud noise behind you. You don’t think to look, haven’t been told to. No orders. Just wait.

Something circular swooshes through the air hitting the woman with the words in the stomach, she crumples to the ground. You don’t care, she didn’t give you orders to protect her.

“Y/N! Baby!” A man with a metal arm takes you by the shoulders, shakes you. “Y/N?! Come on, fight it! Come back to me.” He looks so upset… did he give you orders? He seems familiar…

“Soldat?” That’s right, the arm. The Soldier. Not a handler but he sometimes was like one. He looks at you horrified. The other men just watch.

Would he know what you were to do? “Kakovy nashi zakazy?” (What are our orders?)

“Oh god.” He runs a hand over his face and through his hair, turning away. When he turns back he strikes you, hard, with his metal hand.

You hit your knees. Head reeling from the blow. From Bucky’s blow.

“Barnes!” Tony bellows.

Bucky ignores him collapsing next to you. “I’m so sorry baby,” he pulls you to him. “I’m so sorry. I’m so-”

He’s pressed your face to his chest, rocking you a little, “Thank you,” you croak.

He holds you at arm's length, “Y/N?!”

You nod, “Thank you. You kept your promise.”

His face collapses. For a minute you hold one another both knowing that the end had just come so close.

There’s a wheezing, a cough, before, “Pathetic.”

That bitch. You release Bucky and stand, pushing past Steve and Tony who are dumbfounded at everything they’ve seen. Standing over your mother you feel power pulse up your spine.

“I thought you’d be my biggest victory, you’re nothing. Too weak for greatness like your father.” She forces herself up coughing once more, blood at the edges of her mouth. “I should have put you both down.”

“Fuck you,” you growl. About to blast a hole through her chest.

“Hail, Hydra.” Immediately she begins to foam at the mouth.

“No you don’t get to-” A wild feral scream tears through you and you blast her straight to the chest once, twice, before you let loose a third Bucky wraps you in his arms turning you away from your mother's corpse.

You break. Screaming and screaming until it doesn’t even seem to be coming from you. Body pulsing bright all over. Your whole life… everything you thought you had known or that you had tried to draw peace from was a lie. Your own mother… Had she killed your dad… All because you…

Bucky’s lips are next to your ear, softly he begins to sing. Fly Me To The Moon. “In other words, hold my hand,” his hands slide over your own, sparking with energy. “In other words, baby, kiss me…” Slowly you both sink to the floor, your screams giving way to sobs. “You are all I long for, All I worship and adore,” he rocks you gently your back to his chest. “In other words, I love you.”

As he finishes you’re able to get a hold of yourself, body no longer glowing dangerously. Breathe a little normally.

“It’s clear back there,” you hear Hill’s voice say softly to Steve and Tony. “Got some data from the computer. I don’t think she expected to lose, there’s a lot there.”

“Great,” Tony whispers. He kneels in front of you, “Sparks,” his gauntleted hand rests gently on your thigh, “let’s get you outta here.”

Bucky releases you and you stand on shaky legs. “Natasha?” You ask looking to Hill.

“She’s ok,” she gives you a warm smile.

The relief from that statement is short lived. A massive pulse of energy thrums somewhere beneath your feet.

Your eyes shoot to Tony’s as Jarvis pipes over the com, “There seems to be some sort of anomaly, I cannot get a lock on it but I suggest immediate evacuation.” You nod agreeing.

The elevators are down, likely an automatic shut off when there’s a breach like the one you’re feeling. You know that somewhere there have to be stairs but no one had found them yet. Tony blasts through the doors without a thought.

“We could climb up,” Steve says.

“Too slow.” He steps in and rips a hole through the roof, “Get in, I can pull it up.” You do as he says and Tony pulls the car up at the first-floor doors Steve pulls them open. The three of you let Hill out first before crawling out yourselves. Once everyone is clear he releases the car and it plummets to the ground.

Another pulse of energy rattles the windows on the building. It’s so like your own for a moment you’re scared it’s coming from you.

“Sir, I believe the facility is set to demolish itself,” Jarvis’ unfazed tone rings in your ear.

“Right. Let’s get going. Wilson, get that van ready we need to get the hell out now,” Steve calls out as he starts for the exit.

Hill is fast but she's not enhanced and the distance between the main building and the van is about 150 yards. Tony scoops her up and the three of you run at full speed. Almost to the van, you feel a massive pulse vibrate the ground under your feet, curling up your burning legs you freeze.

Bucky looks at you from the door, “Y/N, come on baby.” Another wave, this time you hear the buildings around you groan.

It’s not just the building that’s set to blow… You realize with a sick feeling… it wasn’t that your mother didn’t think she’d lose… she just knew it wouldn’t matter either way. When this detonates, you don’t know if it’s an asset or multiple or what… but the blast will be devastating. If it’s even fractionally as powerful as it feels Odessa will be in the bottom of a crater in the coming minutes… All those innocent people…

Bucky’s approaching you, to drag you to the van. Tony hovers close by, you look to him as you start to back up, “Remember that promise, Tony?”

“Yeah…”

“Time to cash in.” Bucky is almost to you and you shoot a light shock toward him to slow him down before you bolt back to the main building.

“Y/N!”/“Goddamnit!” You hear Tony and Bucky exclaim simultaneously. There are the sounds of a scuffle.

“Tell me what’s happening Sparky!” Tony grunts, the sound of metal on metal ringing in your com.

“It’s bad, the blast, the energy, real bad. I can stop it just get him!” You look over and see Bucky in hot pursuit before Tony grabs him.

You don’t look back again. You can’t. Despite hearing Bucky call out over and over.

Unable to stand it you rip the com out of your ear, crushing it in your hand. Even without it, even with the rumble of the earth, you can make out the fight. Should have told them to go, get away… But you can keep them safe. You will keep them safe.

At the face of the building, you take a deep breath and jump, releasing a blast from your palms to propel you up. This wasn’t something you did often, and sometimes it didn’t work but right now you have no choice, you’ve got to get to the roof. From there you can channel the energy through the building pull it up, focus it into something concentrated rather than an uncontrollable destructive blast. It will be unlike anything you had ever done but… you had to try.

It gets you about halfway. You grab a window ledge with both hands, using everything you have you push yourself up, releasing your grip and letting out more energy. Another wave of force almost causes you to lose your grip on the edge of the roof but you hang on and get there.

Kneeling at the edge you place your hands flat on the concrete, much as you had that day you thought of killing Bucky in the field you send your sense out to find your target down, down, down using the metal supports of the building itself to guide you. There.

It feels like people, three of them, assets, just like you… all about to blow…  

Looking out you can see them still. Bucky and Tony are struggling, the whisper of Bucky’s screams echoing through the abandoned buildings. Everyone else standing unsure of what to do. All these people you… love.

You focus with all your might to draw the power of the three hopeless souls into something you can control. As you do so your heart shatters in your chest because now you know you aren’t getting through this, not if you want to save them all… and you never fucking said it.

Not to any of them and not to the one person who really needed to hear it… You told him with your body, with your concern, in every subtle sweet way a person can but those three words… words you knew with all your being were true… you never let them fall from your lips… and now…

Your own power, coursing through the frame of the building, begins to act like a sort of intangible conduit as it harnesses that of the three assets. Strangely it’s easy, their force so undisciplined, seems almost happy to find a path to flow into. The building groans, smoke emitting from it here and there, windows blowing from the rising heat. White streaks of light are beginning to become visible, like concentrated lightning, running straight for you.

As this overload flows into your body it takes everything in you to not scream, the pain is so blinding. You don’t want them… him to hear that though. Raising your other arm to the pink early dawn sky you pray to anything that will hear you that this plan will work… that you’re strong enough to contain this force. Like some bizarre lightning rod, the power thrums through you crackling from your fingertips, your body glowing bright…

“Like a firefly,” you think.

“Straight up, straight down, not out, not out, contain this contain it.” You focus on those words, determined. The power is about to break, you can feel it. The light almost blotting out everything, taking away your view of them.

“I love you,” you whisper wishing he could hear.

Then there’s nothing but light, and pain, and surrender.

[daughtersofexiles]

Hiatus; Lucille Delancey

|| So, to make a very long story short, my grandfather died— we knew it would eventually come, but he took a sudden turn in the last 24 hours. Since a lot of Lucille Delancey’s characterization comes from some personal stuff I’m putting under the cut to get off of my chest, I need to put her on hiatus until I can process some shit. I have always used Lucille as a way to vent in a way, but the things I’m feeling right now make it very hard to pin down her character. If we have threads, I’ll be saving them for when I can focus.

Wall of text under the cut i might delete later. It’s more my way of getting this out than anything else/

I’m gonna be blunt bc I don’t believe in sugarcoating it: my grandfather was an extremely abusive alcoholic towards my mom and uncle when they were kids up until my grandmother divorced him. The part about Phineas Delancey pointing a gun at Morris when their mom was threatening to leave? Came from my grandfather. Having Oscar beat Morris with a belt to punish them both when drunk? Happened to my mom and uncle when they were >10. Got so high off of uppers at work that he needed to drink in order to make himself calm down—even having his kids pick up his drugs once? Grandfather did it throughout my mom’s childhood. Had tons of affairs and didn’t even bother hiding it? Yep, grandfather. He was bad enough that he told my mom she was dead to him after she called the cops when he tried to strangle my grandmother to death— and my mom ended up paying for her own car insurance and repairs from that day on at 16 as a punishment. His new wife once threatened to kill my older sister and I after I was born (so 1.5 years old and like 3 months old) when my mom went back to work at the hospital night shift just because she hates her for being his “real” daughter… and he did nothing and is still married to her.

He did so much more that makes me feel sick to even think about, and i don’t know if I can forgive him like my mom has— especially when he hasn’t ever been a man enough to apologize for what he’s done even after he stopped drugs and drinking. My mom and my uncle are the real victims. I based most of the anger management and trauma that I write Lucille and her brothers having on what I have seen in my family. Hell, Violet has a little bit of it too, because it is so deeply rooted in my memories. My mom constantly worries about how she handled things when my sister and I were kids, because she never knows if she was too harsh or manipulative like he was. I remember once when my grandfather was coming to our church, and she had a panic attack before we left even though he’d been sober for over five years just at the thought of seeing him.

He always had the chance to talk to us, but my mom told him he had to be sober first. He didn’t get sober until I was 10 years old— I’d only ever seen him at funerals and the family reunion before then. I don’t blame her for it— he was known for manipulation and emotional abuse back then, and she refused to let us get hurt like she was. How did we find out? He stalked my mother’s Facebook to find out we would be in another state seeing his ex-wife’s family (my great grandma), drove 12 hours to their house, and showed up to say he was a changed man and was now going to church again— when he lived just 30 minutes away from our house. He has missed every graduation, chorus concert, theatre production, birthday party, and church function; he has never sent a single goddamn card, or called me on my birthday, or even checked in on me to see how I was doing after my wreck. Hell, when I had my wreck (in which I flipped my car three times), he was so far from a priority to call in the family that my mom called his sister with every update as I was being released from the trauma unit, who then called to tell him when I was being released and we all realized no one thought to inform him until almost 12 hours later. My mom never lied to us; she told us the truth as long as we were old enough to understand. Your grandfather lives in (city) turned into a later discussion on how that city is only 10 minutes from our church, his behavior was explained as him being very mean at times to us being told he was an alcoholic and abusive when she was growing up, and so on.

Right now, I’m honestly angry at him, because I don’t even have a picture of myself with him to post on Facebook, or a memory to talk about at his visitation. We have had a family reunion every year for sixteen years this October, and never once did he ask for a picture with me. I’ve got pictures of me at that reunion with my great aunt, my second cousins, my great grandmother… but not my own grandfather. Now he’s dead, and I never will have a picture with him. I got to see him Sunday, and he told me he loved me, but I’ve never felt loved by him. I’ve always felt like I was a piece of his past life he didn’t want to deal with; he raised his step-grandchildren and put them in expensive private schools and paid their college tuition, but never even sent his own granddaughter a birthday card or acknowledged her graduation announcement (either one!!). I’m angry, and I’m hurt, and I wish I had more to say than asking why the hell he didn’t try before he knew he was dying, let alone try to reach out in the three months of hospice. He never went on bedrest or painkillers until today, so why couldn’t he attempt to speak to me? I shouldn’t have had to beg my own grandfather to want me in his life.

[jesssomers]

its ur girl vee again & im proud to say im back on my bullshit! whew! you know the drill by now. hit me up on discord and smack the heart and we can plot !

( kristine forseth, cisfemale, she/her ) i just saw JESSICA SOMERS walking down the street’s of provincetown the other day playing BAD REPUTATION by SHAWN MENDES loud. rumor has it that the TWENTY-ONE year old is +ZEALOUS, but can also be -FLIGHTY — overall they’re a QUIXOTIC. they remind me of SHARING GLANCES THROUGH A FULL FISH TANK, SILVER RINGS ON EVERY FINGER & PANCAKES COVERED IN SYRUP.

Jess, Jessie, J, somers; you can call her any version of her name really

Summer Roberts meets hope mikaelson !!

The youngest of five kids. She has one older sister and three older brothers. She’s the baby for everyone is always a little bit protective of her

Her dad owns his own construction company and her mom manages the books

Track star in high school. Probably won best athlete for class superlatives. Got a full ride scholarship to a university in California.

She’s a morning person. One of those crazies that likes to get up as the sun is rising

Her fam is really open and really close. They have a standing family dinner every Wednesday night and everyone tries to make it or video call in so they can be there

Bottling up emotions? Don’t know her. We raise healthy emotionally aware kids in this house

She got quite a reputation in high school and it stuck with her all the way through

She dated a few upperclassman during her freshman year, mostly flings, nothing too serious.. until of course one of those guys turned out to be in a steady relationship. Jess has no idea until said girlfriend cornered her in the hallway and made a huge scene, basically accusing Jess of trying to steal her boyfriend, yikes! That got the rumour mill going

Suddenly it became harder and harder to make lasting friendships with girls in her class. And the slut shamming wasn’t too awesome either.

Jess was always taught to embrace her sexuality and that there was nothing wrong in exploring it (as long as she was safe) so to have her classmates shame her for it was shit especially bc she was just 16

She got good at tuning it out and flipping people off and shooting them obscene smiles when they tried to throw it in her face bc fuck them

100% got detention for yelling ‘eat my ass, jason’ in the hallway

She’s actually quite the romantic. Her parents have that disgusting true love shit going on and it’s something she wants to have for herself too

Snark and sass are things she knows well catch her rolling her eyes into next sunday

She’s not really about the dramarama

A giant nerd for marine biology. It’s her major. She’s that bitch that flips every time shark week comes around

She has a decked out aquarium for her pet fish cleo

[criminalhotch]

Can you write a little blurb from that anon? I love a protective gray.

The answer is yes I can and here I am. Little note, I don’t ever see Ethan hating his nieces and nephews nor do I see Grayson being this mean to Ethan but I do see Grayson have lots of kids.

Don’t know if you are taking request bc what about something like Y/N is pregnant with her and gray’s like 4th so they need a new car. And Y/N overhears Ethan talking to someone about how g and Y/N need to stop having kids. She gets upset and gray comes and makes everything better.

“Gray?” you sigh. “Yes, pretty momma?” he replies. “We need a new car. The one I have is a five-seater and we are about to have our fourth kid. I hate to say it but I need a mom van” you admitted as he chuckles. “Ok but can we get you like a nice mom van?” he asks. “Uh, yeah. I’m not driving a rust bucket, Grayson” you scoff. 

It’s about a week later and it’s time to go car shopping. Ethan and his wife are watching your three kids. Addison and Amelia were four almost five. Bentley was two almost three. Ethan had two kids. A boy and a girl, Oliver and Lorelai. Lorelai was three and Ollie was almost a year old. He was the baby of the family, for the time being anyway. 

You eventually found a highly recommended van that both you and Grayson loved. It felt nice having a car that was big enough for your growing family. You dropped Grayson off at the house so he could finish up some things. You drove down the road to Ethan’s to pick up your kids. You decided to go to the back door because that’s where you typically parked. Ethan and his wife must not have heard you come in. 

“So where are they?” E’s wife asked. “Because they need a bigger car for their herd of children” Ethan explained. “I don’t know how she does it. Don’t get me wrong I love our kids but two is plenty!” she admitted. “I mean Gray’s always wanted a bunch of kids but I honestly don’t know when they’ll stop. All Gray talks about is how he wants a bunch of them” Ethan adds. “There has to be a limit on how many kids a person or couple can have. The three they have is plenty plus this fourth one and maybe more? I can’t watch Gray’s 8 kids plus our own” Ethan’s wife joked. “They’re going to be the next Cheaper by the Dozen” Ethan laughed. Your heart broke at how much they didn’t like your kids and that they thought so lowly of your family with Grayson. Tears filled your eyes but you wiped them away. You took a few steps back so it wasn't obvious that you heard them. You took a couple breathes before yelling for your kids. “Addy! Lia! Bentley! Time to go home!” you shouted through the house. “Oh, hey? How was car shopping?” Ethan’s wife asked. “Good, Gray and I both really like it. It has so many features that the kids will enjoy” you explained. “You’re a true soccer mom now Y/N” Ethan laughed as your kids all came running in. “Alright let’s head home so daddy can set up everything in the van and we can show you all the cool stuff inside,” you said excitedly as all of the kids cheered. You quickly left saying short goodbye’s to your in-laws.

Arriving back at your house you opened the van doors as the girls ran inside. You couldn’t help but replay everything you had heard in your head. You felt a tear stream down your face as you heard Bentley giggle. “Oh, my sweet boy” you mumble. Bentley was the biggest mommy’s boy in town. He very rarely wanted Grayson unless he was too sick or tired to care. You got out and unbuckled his car seat then scooping him up into your arms. You were holding him on his side with his diaper bag on the other. He was potty trained but he had snacks and extra clothes for all of your kids as they were Dolan’s and it showed. “Now, don’t tell daddy I was crying ok, bubby? He doesn’t need to know” you smiled kissing his cheek. “No, telling daddy” Bentley mumbled. “No telling daddy what?” Grayson asked. “Uh, the girls got mud on the floor of the van but I’ll vacuum it up” you lied. “No, baby. I got it” he said walking out to the garage. Well damn, that backfired. You had decided to get far away from Grayson as possible and maybe he’d forget about it. You decided to play house with the girls. “Mommy, will you be the grandma and babysit our dolls while we go out for a little bit” Lia asked. “I would love to Lia bug” I answered. “No worries mommy, we’re not really going out, we are just pretending” Addy explained. “Ok, sweetie. I will be in here” you told her. Soon enough Grayson walked in. “Two little birds told me you were in here and a third little bird told me you were crying in the van” Grayson said to you. “Damn it, Bentley” you muttered. “He’s two, babe. I gave him a cookie and he told me” Grayson admitted. “Now why were you crying?” he asked, his voice full of concern. “It’s nothing” you whispered. “It’s not, nothing. Please tell me why you were crying and you told B not to tell me?” he pleaded. “You can’t get mad” you sighed. “Um, ok?” 

“So when I went to pick the kids up from E’s I heard them talking. They were talking about us and our kids.  “I don’t know how she does it. Don’t get me wrong I love our kids but two is plenty!” she admitted. “I mean Gray’s always wanted a bunch of kids but I honestly don’t know when they’ll stop. All Gray talks about is how he wants a bunch of them” Ethan adds. “There should be a limit on how many kids a person or couple can have. The three they have is plenty plus this fourth one and maybe more? I can’t watch Gray’s 8 kids plus our own” Ethan’s wife joked. “They’re going to be the next Cheaper by the Dozen” Ethan laughed. 

Grayson’s jaw clenched but he wrapped his arms around you. “Gray, am I a bad mom for bringing home this many children?” you whimpered. “Y/N, you are the farthest thing from a bad mom. The kids and I are so lucky to have you. You’re an amazing momma to our babies. Being a mom looks so good on you, why do you think I keep knocking you up?” he smiled. “Well, clearly some people have other ideas. I never knew that they didn’t like our kids. I know they’re a lot but they’re family, Gray. We will just have to ask your parents or something because apparently, it’s too much for them” you cried. “Alright, enough of this” Grayson yelled. He loved his brother but he was not going to sit here and let his pregnant wife cry over the tasteless words that his brother said. 

He stormed over to his brother’s house, slamming the door. “Gray, what’s up?” Ethan said. “Oh, nothing just my wife crying her eyes out because my stupid brother and his wife can’t keep their mouths shut” he yelled sarcastically. “Bro, what the fuck are you talking about?” Ethan asked. “When Y/N came to get the kids she heard you talking about our family, our kids. She acted like it didn’t bother her but it’s fucking killing her. I don’t know who the fuck you guys think you are but how many kids we have is absolutely none of your business. You guys may be happy with your two and that’s fine. I love Ollie and Lorelai just like my own and you’d think you would love mine too but apparently having more than two nieces or nephews is too much for you. Our kids mean everything to Y/N and I. If you guys can’t see that then maybe our kids don’t need to see you guys. Y/N thinks she’s a bad mom for having this many kids. That she is selfish for having more instead of spending time with the ones she’s got. All because you guys feel the need to gossip about MY family. I don’t care if you are my twin, Ethan. If you have an issue with my kids or how many we have then you just won’t have to deal with them” Gray yelled. “Gray, it’s not like that. We love your kids. We’d take them in a heartbeat. We were just saying two is exhausting but four? She didn’t hear the beginning. We were talking about how she’s like superwoman. She is a really good mom. Y/N being a bad mom never crossed my mind once” Ethan admitted. “You fucked up, E” Grayson warned. “I’m going” E sulked. 

You sat on the couch playing peek-a-boo with Bentley. “Hey, Y/N?” Ethan said. “Oh, don’t get too close my herd of kids may attack,” you said bitterly, clearly still hurt. “I came to apologize. You didn’t hear the beginning of our conversation. We were talking about how you were like superwoman. Our two plus your three is crazy but you could handle them all then be ready for more. Your kids are so smart and pretty well behaved. It’s crazy how you handle it because our two is enough. If anyone was going to have a dozen kids and deserve it, it’s you and Grayson. We love your kids like our own. You are far from a bad mom. Your kids are so lucky to have you and Gray. I’m sorry if we made it seem like we thought that or we didn’t like your kids. You know your girls are wrapped just as tightly around my finger as Lorelai is. As an apology, how about we take your kids next week, Friday night to Sunday afternoon while you and Gray have a getaway?” Ethan said. “You mean all of that?” you asked. “Of course, I do. I’m an ass, Y/N but I’m not that mean” he said. “No, I meant about the getaway” you joked. “Yes, I’m serious. You guys plan something and we will take the kids” Ethan said. “Thank you, E. For offering to do that and coming over here. I’m sorry I eavesdropped and blew this out of proportion” you apologized. “Hey, it’s just a big misunderstanding, ok? You’re a good mom, a good aunt, and a great sister-in-law” Ethan said opening his arms for a hug. You wrapped your arms around his waist. “Thanks, E. You’re not too bad yourself” you joked as you chuckled. “So Gray where we going on this kid-free getaway courtesy of your brother”.

[taeyamayang]

so, i was going ‘round inviting people on friday and the next person on the list was T

anyway, so i went to his house to ask him at around 5-6 pm, and his mother opened when i knocked on the door. bc we’ve lived in the same area for so long and his mom and my mom are friends, his mom is really friendly to me, she loves me :D

she welcomed me inside and i saw that his sister (practically like an older sister to me) was home for the june holidays

so she compliments me, telling me i looked all cute (i did, i went to the mall that day) and we talk a little before i say i’m here to ask T something

his mom says “he’s sleeping, feel free to slap him awake if you want to” and we both laugh and i go “if i did he’d hit me back”

nevertheless, i go to his room and shake him lightly awake, and when his eyes finally open theyre rlly red, so he was DEEP in sleep

and he just looks up at me and he’s focusing so hard 😭 then, he grabs his phone and checks the home screen before going “oh, we’re still safe”

i dont think much of it and just start chatting with him, conversation flowing really easily and stuff (always does with him) and i start to tell him about the event

and i go “the event is monday but my birthday’s on sunday, in case you happen to forget again” as a lil joke yk, he’s horrible at remembering birthdays

T goes “why do you think i checked my phone? i saw you and i thought i missed it so i panicked a little”

and i just. idk i liked that.

and its just me telling him the details of everything and us just chatting away with ease and im laughing and smiling a lot bc its something i do and i was just really happy

and he said he’d be there definitely and it was kinda cute, the fact that this was the first event i was having for my bday

(but this time the aww thing felt real nice)

and his mom walked in to get some clothes as i was about to say goodnight and goodbye to him, which led to us just clowning on him for being asleep at that time

she walked out soon after, then i said a few more things along the lines of “don’t embarrass me”

he laughed and said he wouldn’t

i said “i know you, don’t embarrass me”

and so on, just laughing a little

he opened his arms for a hug goodbye and he was real warm when i hugged him bc yk he just woke up

left his room, talked to his sister some more who was shocked that it was even july

but yeah, i left that place BEAMING

bestie, angel, giiiiirrrrllll THIS WHOLE THING HAD ME CURSING IN MY LANGUAGE LATE AT NIGHT WHAT THE FUCK I'M SMILING LIKE A FOOL READING THIS

FUCKKKKK THAT GAVE ME FREAKING BUTTERFLIES IN THE STOMACH literally the childhood bestfriends trope is sooooo ohmysbsbsbsbshsbs

the way he panicked and checked his phone to see if he missed your birthday, they way you both hugged you felt his warmth from sleep, and the way you're pratically part of his family had me vsbsnsmsbsks AGH I WANT MORE OF THIS HECKKKK

[sea-lilli]

I’ve got some negativity to spew. I don’t feel it’s a lot, like last time, but it’s something I’ve been keeping in. My boyfriend and his daughter. I love him, probably. I’ve been waiting until all my parts are on board with saying it. One of the things holding back has been his daughter tho. I feel like if I said “I love you” to him, I’d have to also love her. And you know what, she is legitimately growing on me. I genuinely care for her. I appreciate how wild she is now, when it used to stress me out. She’s like my little buddy now. So parts of me do love her. Mostly all of my parts like her and some like her a lot. Idk about love yet.

The other day Jeremiah and I had a fight, a big one in terms of impact, but small in terms of fight management / relationship. Jeremiah wasn’t feeling well from his surgery, and so he was cranky. He was going off on a rant to me about how I am with Ramona. He said she will manipulate me, and doesn’t need to be coddled. Said that I was coddling her and teaching her to be sad when she wasn’t even necessarily sad to begin with. That she could get over her sadness.

So I took it in, and wasn’t going to say anything, but then something inside of me (Big?) was like, no! Speak your truth. It’s your responsibility and he needs to know now how you feel. Plus, Jeremiah had started, I think, to realize what a shitty thing that was, tho he didn’t get why, bc he started softening the rant. So I educated. I was so pissed I educated him on mental health and ended up telling him that Ramona could not express her feelings to him, because any time she gives him an emotion other than “happy,” he tells her she is faking it. I said it to be kind, because I really don’t think he saw it. But I said it mostly, because I was feeling frustrated he didn’t see it for himself. And I was frustrated that he is so much older, but still less emotionally intelligent than I am. But I was also angry at myself, because I know that’s a judgmental way to look at it- he didn’t have to go through the years of therapy I needed to.

He denied it very quickly, but I could tell it hurt him (in a good way) and made him think. And I think he’s made a change. He’s been.. kinder to her. He talked to me about how his parents treated him as a kid with his emotions and said that’s why he followed that path with her. Has made comments about knowing he needs to be careful about what he says to her when he’s in pain, because he’s cranky.

Anyway, that’s all resolved now. Our relationship is good. But then today. Ramona is sleeping over two nights in a row. So she will be here tonight, tmr and a little bit of Sunday morning.

I’m in a position at work where I’ve finally mostly adapted - but it’s still hard work. Even when my shifts are easy, it’s still stressful because it’s working with kids, and I’m not all the way comfortable with them yet. I don’t have much experience with them, because I spent my 20s (I can say things like that now) completely avoiding the shit out of them, other than a spare few. Anyway, I’m requesting a week where I can have two days off, but my supervisor is saying it will not be until next weeks schedule.

I’m worn out. I go to work, the kids need me. Specifically, Kiara needs me. She’s living in this potential DCS home mirroring what I went through as a kid. I see her multiple times a week. I’m the main support. I have to schedule massive self care to be able to support her. The parents need me to help them be better parents. My sister needs me. Ophelia needs me. My friends need me. My boyfriend has had major surgery and needs me. And Ramona needs me, hard, because I’ve been meeting needs of hers that her dad hasn’t been able to meet because of his surgery.

I just need some time alone where someone doesn’t need me. Where I can just take care of myself. *I* need me. And it was an incredibly difficult thing to do, to show up for myself first, because I ~do~ want to spend time with Ramona, and I do want to help Jeremiah, but I also… love me. I choose me first, always. I can’t pour from an empty cup. And my cup is 3/4 filled up but it’s still missing 1/4. I need my cup to be overflowing, if so many people need me. I can’t operate at a high level and be there for people in the way I want to be, if my own cup isn’t flowing.

There’s a part of me that doesn’t like Jeremiah. That says he just wants me there to basically babysit Ramona… to take off some of his responsibility. Because I can make Ramona just completely ignore him, she is so engaged with me. He can do whatever he wants to do and have freedom. He gets the benefits of having a kid, but not the hard parts if I’m taking the lead.

Which I also get. I would be the same way too. But also, I’m not a babysitter. I’m not the one who decided to have a kid. I listened to what people were saying about having kids and I steered clear. Also? It takes a shit ton of energy to take the lead always with her. Because i don’t have experience. Also, she just doesn’t… stop. It’s not my role to be a parent to her, or the favorite one at that.

I end up feeling resentful sometimes about the amount of energy I’m giving her. Especially now that I have to support all these kids, all the time. I feel like I need to ration my energy. It’s hard to keep up on my self care. And then I feel guilty about feeling resentful. For one, Jeremiah does it all the time. But also- he’s the one who had the kid, not me. I also feel the teensiest bit resentful because I’m not the main focus of Jeremiah when Ramona is around. It’s just the teensiest bit tho. But things change when she is around. I don’t get cuddled, touched, etc. We are like friends. Which is fine, but I miss that part of our relationship when she’s around. I also like that it’s almost like dating two different people in one. ❤️

Also, I made this choice, because, and I know this isn’t super healthy to hold onto stuff like this, and maybe an indicator it’s not all the way resolved, but the last time we had an argument, Jeremiah criticized the shit out of the way I interact with Ramona. He was judgy and mean, and tried to force me to conform to the type of parent he is. Which is a good type, but the stuff with emotions is not good. Also, my way is valid too, and I have never pushed that onto him (until pushed, and even then, just pointed out a flaw in his logic). I guess what I’m saying is that it wasn’t very fair, either. I also felt like he wanted me to throw away all of my years of therapy / emotional education, because of his opinions. He tried to put a lot onto me.

He’d also done it before, when we made pink sparkly unicorn cupcakes. I let Ramona dump the whole container of sprinkles onto the cupcakes, and he was angry. He’d walked away and let me deal with her by myself, instead of participating. So I guess a part of me was getting even with him for that, but a bigger part was like.. well? I bought them FOR her. They brought so much joy to do the sprinkles, and for so little money. Who else was ever gonna let her do sprinkles like that? She deserved sprinkle cupcakes. It was the best day ever with her. I’ve had fun with her before, but it’s always been stressful. This was JUST fun. I took a photo of them to save, because it was so great. It makes me smile each time I see it.

Anyway, on the way back from her mom’s house, Jeremiah was lecturing me and giving me all these rules about sugar etc. Started telling me to not undermine him, or break rules with her (she has specific sugar rules). He said because of the cupcake incident, that he could see me just feeding her sugar and being like “it’s okay! Just eat all the sugar!” .. which is totally not even related, and also not very fair. I always respect rules. He didn’t set any rules before he left me alone with her, so it was my rules. And I decided it wasn’t a big deal. He also said Ramona was manipulating me, because she knew her sugar rules, and that I didn’t know them. But she didn’t manipulate me. It was a conscience choice for me to allow her to do the sprinkle cupcakes. I will always remember it, and she probably will too.

So yah. That’s why I chose to not come back over tmr. I have to take care of me. + the feelings with him about that fight / him saying that stuff about me as a parent role.. without actually saying I would be in that role. Sometimes also I feel like he looks at me and sees a walking uterus. I know that’s also part projection tho. But it does bother me. I’m not a mom. I’m not a potential mom. I’m good with kids, but I don’t want them for me, and if Jeremiah didn’t have one, I probably wouldn’t have any more in my life than necessary.

He also made it very weird for me with Ramona now. Because I know he is judging me and thinking I’m too soft, gonna be manipulated by a seven year old.. etc. I just don’t wanna deal. It’s too much on top of others. I’m sorry Ramona has to feel the impacts, but also, 🤷🏼‍♀️. I need to value myself above others. Also, I feel that Jeremiah needs to reappreciate how much I help with her.

I feel guilty for saying that too. Bc he has been doing so much better since we had that fight. He’s been more taking the lead and more involved, less cranky, etc. I can see him being a good dad. But also, it’s the bare minimum to treat your kid okay (low bar for him to cross bc male). And I still have these feelings. I think it really hurt me when he was expecting all that from me and that maybe it was a boundary violation, but I didn’t realize until later that my boundaries had been crossed. Or that I crossed my own boundaries. But I’m not sure.

[toogoodmusic]

THE TOO GOOD TEN with CALICO

When the COVID-19 pandemic struck in March of 2020, four longtime friends, Tony Cecchetti, Chris Couto, JeanSe Le Doujet and Will Lloyd decided to use the lockdown to come together to create the Folk-Americana band CALICO. It all begin with Tony who had decided to find time between his six-month-old daughter’s sleep schedule to record several of the songs he had been sitting on. Chris joined in next - who Tony had played live music with to yoga classes in Squamish, BC - who produced the songs and added percussion. Shortly after JeanSe and Will were added to the mix to finish off with their additions of bass and electric guitar respectively. The result was the debut album, Under A Sudden Sun that came together with each musician being able to add their own unique style with no direct guidance and all while being completely separated geographically. Under A Sudden Sun resonates as an introspective and refreshing view on nostalgia, life and love. The band already has their second album recorded and while they continue to already work on their third album, we’ve been lucky enough to have Tony take on the latest Too Good Ten interview. Check out the full interview below to learn more about the album, how they felt about getting a song playlisted on Spotify, how Tony’s mom came to paint the album cover, his biggest pandemic learnings and so much more.

The Too Good Ten. Ten Questions. One Artist. Too Good.

1. Now you guys all started making music during the pandemic in early 2020. Describe how starting a band in the middle of pandemic has been? What were the pros and cons of doing so?

TONY [on behalf of CALICO]: Starting a band during the pandemic had many moving parts. In some ways, CALICO would never have been a thing if it wasn’t for the pandemic. When the world shut down and we were all stuck at home we had the time to do things we may of never had the time to do given the normal pace of life. We could record and really dive into the songs that I had written over the years. The pandemic allowed for us to do that. It was our silver lining during the incredibly difficult time. That said, we also didn’t get the opportunity to play together in the same room until this summer, in late July of 2021, just before we released, Under a Sudden Sun. We started CALICO in March of 2020, so that’s a really long time to not get together. We did a good job Zooming and creating music from afar but it wasn’t easy and it lacked the energy that bandmates bring to a room. All in all it was an incredible experience and is definitely a large part of the backstory of our band. 

2. Congrats on the release of your debut album, Under A Sudden Sun! What was it like putting this together? What was the most personal song to release off the album?

T/C: Thank you so much! We couldn’t be more excited. It’s been amazing to put music out and get so much support back from our community. The reaction has been above and beyond our expectations. Given that we all recorded our parts from different locations, putting together the album had a lot of components. The process for each song was more or less the same. I recorded vocals and rhythm guitar from home. That was then sent off to Chris Couto, who recorded percussion/drums. That was then sent off to JeanSe Le Doujet, who recorded bass. And lastly, sent off to Will Lloyd who recorded lead guitar. Chris Couto produced the album and put an incredible amount of time into making sure each song sounded like we were in playing in the same room. 

The most personal song off the album is “Oh My Mind.” The song is about searching for something that has yet to be fulfilled. In many ways it represents the album as a whole. I always wanted to play and make music. The pandemic allowed me to start a musical journey, with close friends, that seemed unattainable prior to. “Oh My Mind” is about putting one foot in front of the other, exploring, and searching for something that you know is out there, you just haven’t found it yet. 

3. Tony – your mom actually painted the cover for the album. What kind of direction did you give her for the album cover? Were there other versions of the album?

T/C: Yes, my mom painted the album cover. It is something I am very proud of that my mom could be a part of it. I did give her an idea but she had complete creative freedom to take that idea and run with it. I loved wandering the hills of Berkeley, CA when I grew up. Hills that my mom knows well and still hikes regularly. The initial vision was to capture that first light of day when the sun just peaks over the hills. It is a special moment. My mom did a wonderful job capturing it. I have the original painting at my house. I have yet to frame it but will soon and will treasure it for a long time. 

4. As mentioned, the title of the album is named after “that magical moment when the first light of the day peaks out from behind the hills.” What is so enticing about that moment that it inspired the name of the debut album? Which song off the album most encompasses that “tranquil and meditative” moment?

T/C: One of my favorite things to do as a kid was get up at the break of dawn and go fishing. We had reservoirs in the Berkeley Hills where I would go fish. When I was too young to drive, one of my moms would take me. When I became old enough to drive I would go with my closest friends and my sister. To this day, fishing at those lakes is one of the fondest memories I have of growing up in the Bay Area. We would sit for hours in our lounge chairs, look out at the beautiful scenery, and wait for a bite. It was so peaceful and a wonderful place to connect with myself and my favorite people. 

“A Little Light,” which is the first song of the album, best described that tranquil and meditative moment. It is about the importance of light in our lives and was first written as a poem about spending time in those hills as a kid. 

5. “My Darlin’” off the album made it onto your first official Spotify playlist – Renegade Folk. Where were you when you found that out? What does it mean as an artist to make it onto an official Spotify playlist? 

T/C: I got an email from Spotify a couple days after we released, “My Darlin’.” I was sitting at home feeding my 2 year old daughter breakfast. I was so excited. For me, it was a testament that we had made music that was quality enough to be grouped with some great names in the Folk world. I was very proud of everyone in the band. It means a lot to be recognized. I don’t think that Spotify is the be all end all but it’s important to be on that platform. Most people listen to and find new music there nowadays. I still think we have a long way to go. We have yet to play our first show and have a lot of things we want to achieve. We believe we have potential to write more music that moves people and plan to do so.  

6. Although the band started early 2020, you guys only recently got together in person to play songs and take band photos. What was that moment like – finally being all together and playing the songs live after over a year of working on them? Do you think the music would’ve sounded any different if you had all been in the same room instead of remote for the entire process?

T/C: It was an incredible feeling to watch the guys get off the ferry in Victoria, BC. Chris Couto had come out a few days early to settle in and do some prep for our recording session. Will and JeanSe came in on the Friday Night ferry and had to leave on Sunday morning. We didn’t have much time but we made the most of it. The four of us have been friends for years long before CALICO was a thing. Chris, Will, and JeanSe have all played in other bands together. When we all lived in Vancouver I would go hang out and watch them play. I always thought I had the most talented friends. They are incredible musicians and wonderful people. 

I do think there would have been some differences if we had all been in the same room. I am not sure how much that would come through with the sound but definitely with the energy in the room. There is an irreplaceable dynamic that is created when musicians physically  play together. It’s a vibe thing. I will say that recording from afar had immense perks, too. Everyone had complete creative freedom with their individual parts. What you hear as a final product is what four musicians felt added most to each song. There was little guidance. With everyone recording from afar, we could do it on our own time, when we felt we played best. There wasn’t the pressure of doing it at a specific time in the recording studio. 

7. What is the main thing you hope listeners take away from your music?

T/C: I hope that you all resonate with the stories that we share. Most of the songs began as poems and grew from there. They are snippets of our lives that bring us back to particular memories. My hope is that the music can do similar things for you. That you find some inner peace listening to the music and that, maybe when the album has finished, you’re brought back to a place that you think of fondly. 

8. For you, what was the biggest learning from this past year and a half in quarantine/pandemic? 

T/C: I learned to slow down and treasure the small things. The pandemic was a time to be introspective. I gained insights about myself, my ambitions and pursuits that I had never given space for. There was also immense struggle that we all went through. The virus was one thing but the loss of community was a whole other. Losing connection with loved ones was difficult. I had never felt so far from those I cared about. All in all I think it was a time to reflect on what’s important and begin to prioritize that. The pandemic really highlighted the fragility of this life. 

9. If you could only listen to (5) artists for the rest of your life who would they be?

T/C: If I could listen to 5 artists for the rest of my life it would have to be Bob Dylan, The War on Drugs, Nathaniel Rateliff & The Night Sweats, The Beatles, and The Highwomen.

10. What’s the rest of 2021 and early 2022 look like for CALICO?

T/C: We will continue writing and hopefully can start playing some live shows soon. Now that shows are happening again we plan to get our foot in the door. That might not happen until next summer but we are really excited about the idea and await the opportunity. We have recorded our second album, that will be released in 2022, and are working on our third album currently. Stay tuned for more music and we really look forward to playing live for you all one day. Thank so much for checking us out and giving our music a listen. 

Excited to have had Tony from CALICO join for the latest Too Good Ten Interview! Be sure to check out all their socials and music below and be on the look out for those upcoming shows and upcoming second album.

SOCIAL LINKS:

Facebook

Instagram

Website

MUSIC:

Spotify

YouTube

[kootenaygoon]

So,

Maya was freaking the fuck out.

It was a gorgeous Sunday morning and seagulls screamed overhead as Maya paced, clenching and unclenching her fists, struggling to contain her stress. I was picking her up at the Tsawwassen terminal and for some reason she didn’t have any bags. I asked her what was wrong, because I could see her trembling, but she just shook her head. I stopped her before we reached the parking lot, and asked her to explain herself. 

“Maya, listen to me. I don’t know what you’re upset about, but I want you to remember that this is a moment, and moments end. Okay? You’re not going to feel like this forever, you don’t need to panic,” I said, trying to meet her gaze. 

She looked away, and muttered about some confusion with her bag. It sounded like it was mistakenly bound to Vancouver on the bus she left it on.

“Listen, my sisters work for the ferries. We’ll make some phone calls and we’ll get this sorted, there’s nothing for you to worry about. I promise we’re going to get your bag. Did you get enough sleep last night?”

Eventually I corralled Maya into my car, feeling concerned and protective. She was one of the students from Elephant Mountain Secondary, and I really loved her mother Steph. I’d made this trip to the coast to hang out with my Victoria people, Spence and Becca, and I’d found time to lay in a park listening to Jenny Butler sing. Victoria was seeming like a better and better option, but what would I do there? I was addicted to journalism, and couldn’t imagine going back to lifeguarding. I’d put in my decade, teaching swimming lessons and saving lives, and I wanted to spend the rest of my life telling stories.

“I actually have a really big family. You’re going to meet them all, all my siblings and our little dog Lucy,” I told Maya, who was sullenly looking out the window. “There’s a whole bunch of food out, so you could eat.”

She sighed. “Okay, thank you.”

Once we pulled into my driveway, my brothers Cody and Tyler were standing outside smoking cigarettes. They were headed to a soccer game. I told them I’d connect once I got Maya sorted, then I needed to get a move on. It could take as long as nine hours to get back to Nelson, and I didn’t want to get in too late. Also, we were picking up the Director of Elephant Mountain Literary Festival in Abbotsford at a pre-set time, so we were on a schedule.

“What’s going on with her?” my Mom asked, once we’d set Maya down on the back porch with a pile of food. She was meeting Lucy while my Dad teased her, smiling. She smiled back, despite herself.

“I’m not sure. I don’t think she’s slept. I think maybe she was out partying or something? And she lost her bag on the bus, so we need to call BC Ferries.”

My Mom nodded, and called Kathryn over. My second oldest sister was in the head office, so she had extra pull. Mom explained the situation, and Kathryn said she was on it. I heard her arranging things in the next room while my sister Amanda reassured Maya that it was all good, we were getting things sorted.

Maya was overwhelmed. My family is overwhelming. I kept a close eye on her as I tromped around the house, packing my shit. I was a little worked up from seeing her cry. Women’s tears always hit me hard, like a shovel to the face. I wanted to protect her from her feelings. I wanted her to be okay.

Eventually we climbed into the car, and within ten minutes Maya was dead asleep. I looked over at her while I drove, vulnerable and sad, and I made a promise to myself that I would be an ally in her life. I could tell that she needed one. I didn’t know exactly what was going on with her, but she had a hard edge that hinted at some deeper trauma. I knew exactly how she felt.

Right before Abbotsford, I gave her a slight shake and told her I was going to smoke a joint. I knew she was already a pot smoker, so I wasn’t corrupting her or anything. I held up my tightly-rolled spliff.

“But don’t tell your Mom, okay?”

The Kootenay Goon

[lastbuckshot]

me and my bff irma

i figured i should do a quick write up about what tf happened with me and irma since she put me out of commission for 6 days

tl;dr: power went out sunday night, took sleeping pills that night to knock out thru irma even tho i don’t like taking pills, stayed home the first few days, stayed with sister’s grandma for the rest of the time (super crap internet and phone service so i stayed awol), naacp confronted electric company yesterday, they started working on it last night and finished this afternoon, i got back home a couple hours ago, the power was out so long that almost everything in the fridge and freezer spoiled

our power went out sunday night (sept. 9th), i can’t remember what time but i wanna say it was around 10 or 11? and the wind was howling so loud and everything was so quiet and dark and lemme tell you it was crazy!!

my mom and i were trying to track irma on our phones and tablets for a few hours but i was getting so anxious about trees falling and the roof flying off that i just took a couple sleeping pills (coming from some1 who avoids taking pills @ all) so i could knock out and see if my house existed in the morning

and it did!! we got a few roof leaks but we were okay! we spent the first few nights eating what food we had and patrolling the neighborhood for damage (which i’ll post pics of later, when i tell u we got lucky i rly mean it)

but around day 3-ish our phones were dying and so was our tablet and we were all getting restless and it was hard to sleep, so my sister’s grandma came to pick up my sister and offered to let me stay too, i almost refused (personal issues with her dad/my ex stepdad but that’s drama for another day, petty issues with her grandma) but i went ahead and went (her house is 20 mins away-ish)

her grandma was chill most of the time but her dad, who wasn’t even supposed to be there, was there like every night for the 4(?) nights i was there so THAT was An Experience

her house had power and internet but the internet was so bad it was like not having it at all so i just stayed on data on my phone, and the data service was also BAD so that was touch and go too

the real kicker is that yesterday the naacp strolled up to the electric company’s office bc the neighborhoods that didn’t have power were majority poor (and black) so they started working on the power that night, but then it started storming so they had to stop, but that night two neighborhoods got power almost immediately so it’s,,, suspicious,,, af,,

but they came back out earlier today after the storm had passed and turned our power back on and now i’m home!!

and my mom told me today that today and yesterday were especially brutal bc it was getting hotter and the dog was getting really hot and our cat and resident stray were so hot inside that they felt better outside so i’m glad my babies are cool now