#so i associate it heavily with my own childhood. but still i promise this is interesting

[themissingnumbers]

[not to talk randomly for a second but sometime i could really go on an essay style rant about my beliefs in pokepastas as a perfect childhood trauma metaphor and that would immediately explain like 90% of every narrative decision made for our parts of this blog. it would be an awesome essay i feel very strongly about this]

[kisilinramblings]

The ending scenes of Wishmaker had a lot of development and foreshadowing. 

On the positive note, both Adrien and Marinette are moving on. The theme of the future isn’t as scary for them anymore. They feel ready to tackle it on even though they were so lost at the beginning of the episode.

Adrien (as he is looking a picture of him with his mom) : I may not remember my childhood dream, but that’s okay. It’s time to focus on the future and find my inner music like Luka said.

Adrien steps forward and while he accepts part of his past, he decides that what matters is what is ahead of him. He sets himself in a quest to find himself. Which contrasts with his scene with Kagami inside the art club at the beginning of Lies where he thought he knew himself.

Kagami : These are all modeling poses. Try something that is more natural, more you.

Adrien : What about meow! Err.. I mean, now.

Kagami : No. You are not at all natural. 

Adrien : Yes, I am. I promise. This is the real me.

Kagami : No! It’s you when you are being silly.

Adrien : What if I’m being silly I’m really me?

Adrien has arrived at a point where he is questionning where he stands. He said so at the beginning of the episode. Both about his civilian and superhero sides of him.

Plagg : Don’t you want to continue to model?

Adrien : I don’t think so, Plagg. I’m doing it now because my father asked me to and I realize now I don’t know what else I want to do. I’ve never asked myself that question...

Plagg : What do you think of Chat Noir as a career?

Adrien : Well, since Ladybug keeps giving Miraculous out to other Holders, one day, she’ll probably won’t need me anymore.

Adrien realizes his life and role is either controlled or dependant of others because he personally doesn’t know what he wants for himself. And this is one of the reasons that lead for Chat Blanc’s akumatization to turn awry. Because he was torn and lost. Because the two most important people of his life were trying to influence him in opposite direction when he was in an extreme vulnerable mental state that didn’t allow him to think for himself.  And because he lost control of himself, his powers went out of control too.

And in that timeline, because he was living a dream, CB!Adrien had never mentally prepared himself to find his own voice before the reality punch him in the face.

Now, it is too early to say that Chat Blanc has been fully avoided, because there is still a lot of work to do, but after Wishmaker (along with Optigami, Sentibubbler and Rocketear), Adrien is on the right path to find his voice and find what he truly wants for himself.

As for Marinette...

Marinette (facing the choices ahead of her) : You know what? I’ve decided I’ll do it all! I’ll be Ladybug. I’ll design clothes, jewelry, furnitures, space rockets! I’ll be Luka’s best friend and I will love Adrien!

Fluff : But how are you going to do it at the same time?

The choice of Fluff in this particular scene is very clever. 

Fluff is the Kwami of Evolution and is heavily associated to time. Their Miraculous is a watch and their superpower allows their holder to time-travel.

But there is more to that. It is a recall to Timetagger. To a discussion Ladybug had with Bunnyx. 

Bunnyx : You can always count on Ladybug. With her around, every problem has a solution. 

Ladybug : How I ever get to be like that...?

Bunnyx : By growing up, Minibug.

This was how Marinette was. Unsure, overhelmed. But look at her now. 

Marinette : I don’t know how yet, but yes, I can do this!

She is boasting with confidence. She is accepting herself how she is. She is most probably chasing two hares at the same time, but she also accepts she will drop it sometimes too. She is confident she can rebound. But while I love how determined she is and isn’t scared of the unknown variables (for now), I cannot help but notice she appears to have forgotten something.

In her enumeration, she forgets to count Chat Noir, her partner. I am a bit worry about this. Being Ladybug means many things to her, but I’m afraid she is solely focusing on the duty of her job and doesn’t realize she is lacking on the human relationship aspect of her job with her partner. 

I mean, it’s great that Marinette loves herself now and feels she can face anything now. It’s a great step she has accomplished since the end of S3 and the show is not subtil about it at all xD Like...

Right after she has come to her conclusions, we get Fabulous Alec appearing on screen with the moral.

Alec : And now we are going to love one another, starting with everyone loving themselves! Because how are you going to love other people if you don’t love yourself?

And both Marinette and Adrien have accomplished that. They have evolved from the selves they were back at the end of Truth and Lies. But now, Adrien needs to build himself enough to face his father, but also to find his place in Ladybug’s team. And Marinette needs to have some important discussions with her partner.

And this is summed up in the ending card

Fabulous Alec is the manifestation of self-love and he reaches everyone with his light, shielding them from Shadow Moth. There are also music notes that creates a barrier. Because Luka’s music allegories have made an impact on both Marinette and Adrien. 

Marinette has her music note and it is as if she owns it. Adrien doesn’t have any note nearby him because he has just begun his personal quest.

We see Ladybug and Chat Noir fighting together while being watched over by Luka who now knows both superherores’ secret identity.

Also, please note where Adrien is place in the picture. He is at the bottom right. And it feels like Adrien is leaving the frame completely. And to be himself, he may need to continue to distance himself in the process. But it also places him in the complete opposite direction where Shadow Moth is. Adrien is heading in a different direction that Shadow Moth AKA Gabriel AKA his father might want him to stay. 

As for Marinette/Ladybug, she is not noticing the growing distance occuring.

[mochikeiji]

Exact Replica

Request: "Hi! I really love you're writing and was wondering if you could do prompt 25+29 for Kuroo Tetsuro from Haikyuu? And could it be angst to fluff? (Maybe Kuroo was ignoring the reader due to lots of work/stress so reader feels neglected?) It's totally up to you tho! Ty so much!!"

25. "Would you notice if I was gone?"

29. "I didn't mean it."

↠ Pairing: Kuroo Tetsuro x F!Reader

↠ Warning: angst to fluff, mentions of pregnancy and kuroo's sad childhood

↬ Word Count: 3.7k

↠ a/n: okay this is my longest one yet. I swear the prompt screams angst to fluff so much that I go into it.

↳ from Go! Go! Gogatsu Event

Kuroo Tetsuro achieved many great things in life after graduating from his university, with multiple acknowledgements and honors. Landed a position as a young CEO from a sports association at the age of 24, he had enough money in his pocket and bank to stable both of you financially. Life was good to him after having to build from the roots  of his ruined childhood; the only years of defeat Kuroo doesn't ever want to repeat. His father and mother were in the same position as you both are; owning your own shared house, good working environment, investments and stability, married.

Up until this day Kuroo questions why his parents split. They were fortunate that they had every thing completed, sadly it was the family and love that wasn't taken care of. You could be the happiest person, yet the void inside would still be there, Kuroo thought. Foolish people were to neglect something more valuable than any object that is given. Whether it was his father or his mother that stopped nurturing what they both bonded for the longest time, they were both fools to let each other go over something simple. He vows to never let history repeat itself.

But now the tables seemed to have flipped for the both of you. Your lives not far from what he had ran away from. If Kuroo could eat his words back, he would've now that he was running late yet again to coming home, forgetting about the promise he swore to about joining you after a full month of being occupied in his office. Coming home to have you already tucked in bed, but suffering in silence.

Most days he didn't bother greeting you in the morning and night. As a good wife, you understand. He was a busy man with an important position to maintain.

There were times where you'd be tapping your foot down on the floor as the clock strikes at an ungodly hour with your messages still not bothered to be replied to or even read. But you understand. He's working! Always doing what he can for the both of you like the good husband he wanted to be.

Even if sometimes he'd come home without a kiss or a simple, "I missed you." you understand. He's drained. No time for silly, endearing affections. You've done them a lot before back when you were younger. You're adults! Married! A married partner shouldn't be feeling so needy when the other was only doing their part.

Even when sometimes your insecurities would kick in whenever you'd visit your husband to drop his forgotten lunch again, only to see him flocked by different women; probably secretaries, interns, and assistance.

You understand. You always did took such good care of what you two have.

Well had.

His home office door slams shut, awakening you from your nap on the couch. Didn't Kuroo notice you when he walked in? Looking at the clock you noticed it was near 11:30 PM since he's arrived. Late again, maybe he hasn't eaten anything? No worries, you thought sadly. Stretching your aching muscles, you made your way to the dining area. So far dinner was left untouched once more. Just how many times has it gone to waste because you continued on cooking for two?

Or rather, three.

You beam at the sudden reminder while preparing your husband's plate. You'd always miss him whenever he'd come home, never had the chance to surprise him at the right time of your little discovery about a week ago. Fear did struck you because of the possible reactions he'd give, but you were so excited in sharing the news that a couple would share the equal happiness from, you couldn't contain it any longer.

Maybe you should've chosen another time unbeknownst to you how your husband was hunched over his desk, clearly in displease of the previous events that had occurred during the meeting back in his office. Hence why his work stack added more piles of predicaments, only fueling his headaches more wishing he could just lay down peace and quiet without disturbance.

He grumbles at the knock on his door, only typing furiously with emphasized taps on the keyboard. You, not sensing the emitting aura from the room took it as a response for you to enter. It surprised you a bit on how disordered his home office had become. It was obvious his coat had been thrown carelessly as it lays on the floor, wrinkled. Carefully placing the plate full of food on the small coffee table at the side, you gingerly picked up the article of clothing. Lightly trying to smoothen out the lines before hanging it behind his door and turning back to your husband.

"Tetsu?" cautiously calling out his name, you were kind of wary at the fact he didn't turn to see you unlike he does before whenever you'd enter the room. "I brought you your dinner. You came home pretty late." you tried to maintain the light hearted tone of your voice to hide how nervous you were in telling him the big news.

The atmosphere was kind of eerie when all he did was hum meekly from your words. Feeling a bit disheartened from his lack of attentiveness, still forcing a smile, you padded a little closer behind him with your hands clasps together. "I also wanted— well needed to tell you something." averting your eyes away from him as you prepared in your head. With a small hope he'd turn around for once after a long time.

"Can it be another time? I'm in the middle of stuff here."

Another time.

Why is it always next time? It's frustrating enough to not see him or have him speak to you even for a moment, but this made your stomach churn in an unpleasant way. Frowning at his poor reply, you gulped a few of your sentence back. Not fully trusting your emotions getting in the way, "You never really talked to me before, Tetsu.. I get that you're busy, but it wouldn't hurt for you to give a little minute for me."

Even just a second as long as he'd finally notice you.

"(Y/n) if you understand then why bother? You can clearly see I'm busy." chest huffing out a harsh sigh, still not bothering to turn around. Gripping your hands tightly, your patience were starting to snap. "You're always busy, Tetsu! I never had a proper conversation with you again." raising the volume of your voice a little made his actions come to a halt. Chair revolving around to face you. His appearance made it obvious how exhausted he has been; tousled hair that he usually takes longer to style, the light forming bags underneath his eyes from the screen and lack of sleep. The visible annoyance marked in his expression. But couldn't he say the same for you?

"Fine. Here, you have my attention now. Are we talking properly now?" his way of provoking you wasn't in the right place. It only made you look at him in disbelief because you've grown to never meet such side of your husband before. The news you had originally planned to share vanished from your head, replaced with the restrained emotions that has been building up inside your heart, tipping over.

"Tetsu, what is wrong with you?" looking at him now seemed like you were talking to someone else. His words were curt and short with no intention of prolonging the conversation, itching to get back to work so he could be done with it. "I already you I'm just busy. I would be done by now if you didn't want to talk properly with me." he says as if he's the one in distraught. "Seriously, nothing's wrong but I think you aren't. You're never like this."

"That's because you never cared to noticed in the first place!" wailing out the collapsed emotions that has weighed you heavily. It was too late to stop yourself from voicing out the things your husband left aside. A full month of being a good, understanding image of a wife thrown away to the rubbles without even appreciating the the long nights of you waiting up for him, cooking meals even though the next day they'd end up being in the trash, tolerating the coldness of the used to be warm sheets, putting up with the insecurities you took upon yourself to hide to avoid troubling your husband further when all you wanted was for him to assure you that he still loves you and only you.

The fascade you put up just for him crumbles. And it infuriates you more of how he still doesn't notice.

"(Y/n), you know I've been working! There's so much stuff that needs to be attended for just so you and I could live normally!"

"Tetsuro, we are stabled, it's okay to slow down a bit. How is this any normal to you when you don't even realize how this affects me?!"

The chair slides back roughly against the floor with a loud creak as he towers over you. Glowering eyes with a dark expression looming over his face, clearly now enraged. "You're being selfish right now. I'm here doing what I can to support us and all you could think of was you, you, you. Can't you see I'm doing this for you as well? God what else do you want from me, the world?"

"I only wanted you to give me your time and attention even just for a second, Tetsuro! I've been doing my best for you all this month and I never said anything to trouble you!"

It hurts when he said how you were being the selfish one when it was the opposite. It dawned to you that all those days of giving your all for him wasn't once noticed. "Will you ever grow up already? Attention? Really? We're adults, (Y/n) not teenagers for fucks sake. My time is just wasted because of you!" he doesn't stop there even if you've had your mouth already shut from how he portrayed you as. His words were beginning to leave a deep scar in you as you quiet down to the next line.

"If you think that nothing is troubling me, there is! And you just happen to add in for crying out loud!"

There were no words exchanged after his meltdown. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he looks away from you— who's eyes were already watery. Unable to even tell your side anymore at the ache of your heart. "So..I'm just troubling you then?" quivering out your words, Kuroo clenches his jaw as the bubbling frustration was being held back with the last bit of restrain he had.

"Would you notice if I was gone, Tetsu?"

Instead of being alarmed by your chosen form of sentence, you watched with sad eyes as your husband pulled back his chair and faced his workload. He didn't even noticed you're already crying silently, "Not now, (Y/n). We'll talk later."

He doesn't even noticed how you walked out sobbing with a shattered heart nor the door in the living room closing. Leaving him alone for the next few hours in peace like he wanted.

Time went on quickly when one doesn't take their eyes off from their consecutive workaholic state. With a groan, he almost slams his laptop shut before stretching his bones, slowly relaxing the tense muscles. It's up to his co workers and assistance to deal with the load he's prepared to dump onto them after they threw all theirs to him. Hoping to freshen up his face, Kuroo tidies his desk up before making his way to the door. Stopping in realization of the now cold dinner that was left on the coffee table.

His stomach growled loudly at the lack of food it's digested in the longest run. It was still good if he heats it up, he does miss eating home made meals than his stale ones back in the cafeteria of his workplace. Grabbing the plate carefully he first made a short journey to the kitchen to heat up his food. Unusual it was to have all the lights out in the house. You'd always leave some opened when he was awake. Then again the guilt started to crawl up to his chest knowing he's the cause of why you'd forgotten.

Now entering the bathroom with water running down his face, he plans ahead the apology he owes you when he wakes up tomorrow morning. He could reschedule his own time since he is the boss. He closes the faucet right after he was done rinsing. Looking around for the towel his eyes caught something below the small organizer you put up next to the sink. Grabbing the towel above the first part of the organizer, bending down slowly to avoid getting cramps, his actions were quick to grab the object that caught his attention the moment it seemed so familiar and surprising.

Pregnancy test. Two lines for positive.

Having a child with you was the last thing he's yet to accomplish from his list, and here it was. As much as he wanted to be in denial, it all felt like surge of contentment drowns him in because he was going to be a dad. However his body began to tremble whilst still holding the test and staring intently at it. The previous guilt that was crawling beneath his bones became a dark, desolated hole of anxiety and fear that ate him whole. The things he's said and done will never be taken back no matter how he apologizes to the past events a few hours ago.

Hours ago. It was already 2:25 when the fight had ceased. Deep down he knows he couldn't wait until the next day to plead for forgiveness. After all, he did vow to never leave you both a day feeling heavy alone. Kuroo felt nauseous of how much of an asshole he had treated you. Like starting a game of volleyball once more, he was beyond nervous when he approached your shared bedroom. There was no excuse of his actions indeed as he solemnly enters the dimmed room. He sighs a little shaky when he closes in your bed, "Baby?" he starts, "Baby, are you awake?" it was one of the little things he's memorized that you'd do when you both aren't in good terms. You never really slept, just pretended because you always had the heart to wait up for him.

When he gets no response he reaches out to pat you, only coming to the sense that the sheets were left untouched; no warmth traced behind. You weren't there, any where. His blood runs cold and immediately fishes out for his phone in his pocket, speed dialing your number while he circles the entire area of the house in case you'd be there. Now he was more terrified when he hears the familiar voice mail from the living room couch where you had slept while waiting for him.

You left your phone. His wife wasn't home— his pregnant wife.

"Fuck." running a rough hand through his tangled hair. The lump on his throat grows but he refuses to let out a string of sobs. It was his fault you were gone at such an ungodly hour. Kuroo felt more than a bigger asshole than before he's made you come to the point of leaving home. Just as his mother did and never returned. The one thing he swore you two would never be the same came to life, only thought now is Kuroo doesn't know whether you've left him for good after being a neglectful husband and to have dishearten his own beloved wife like that.

"Would you notice if I was gone?"

Rang in his head as he stood outside the neighborhood, running. Chasing after a hallucinated image of you any place he tried to remember you'd be in. A fool he has been to have left you in a loveless marriage. He loves you, he really does. He can't imagine a life without you in it. Just as it was about to become the happiest he's wanted, he pushed it all too soon. A bad husband, he cries. "(Y/n), please come home." legs aching and panting from having to study all areas. It was pitch black; there were no opened spots for you to even go at an hour of slumber and chaos. The only convenient store did not even have you in it. You were no where to be seen and Kuroo breaks.

Of course he'd notice when it was all too late. The past he's ran away from was still the place he's returned now that the house was only occupied by nothing but rotten memories of the love he didn't took care of. The exact replica of a married life he desperately tried to dodge. "I'm so sorry." for the lonely nights he's left you to sleep, over thinking of what may have been your fault and always figuring him out tirelessly. For the small efforts of adoration he didn't took a glance at and gone to waste. For the words that were never even meant for you to ever feel. For being a neglectful husband. He was sorry he noticed too late how he ruined his precious wife.

Now he's left you on your own out in the dangers outside. If anything horrible happened to you he will forever be crushed. But the world thinks that second chances are given to those who truly deserve them after you came in quietly, slipping off your sandals and waving back to your friend who had dropped you off home. Your short break to the convenient store changed when you met up with her and drove back to her place to rant about what happened. Being the sluggish person you are whenever sadness hits, you never noticed how long you've over stayed. It wasn't like your husband was going to know if he still was working.

Much to your surprise that he wasn't, you stifled a gasp to find him with his hands holding his head that was leaned down on the table. His shoulders were lightly jolting with escapes of audible sniffles, indicating that he was in fact crying. If he looked exhausted before, it wasn't enough to describe his current state; as if he was a man who'd lost every thing as he sat there with all hope lost. Your foot padded on the creaky part of the floor in attempt to tiptoe over his hunched back to comfort him. Squeaking in the awkward situation you've put the room in when Kuroo turns his head behind to see you standing there a bit frightened, but concerned when you saw how disheveled his face looks.

"Tetsu—" his name got cut off short from when you almost tripped over your balance at the sudden impact of Kuroo throwing himself into your arms with his weight. You couldn't make out what he was mumbling on about, but you melt to his embrace even if he squeezes the living day lights from you, afraid that he was going crazy and you weren't real. "Thank God," litters of kisses were placed on your clavicle, "You're back."

He repeats, slowly convincing himself that you are indeed home in his arms, safe, no harm detected. Just home. "I'm so sorry.."

"I didn't mean it. I didn't mean any of what I said, I-I'm so sorry." your bodies swayed gently to the sound of your hushes and his cries of apologies. "Please don't leave me like that again. I was so scared."

"Shhh, it's okay, Tetsu. I'm sorry. I'm okay— we're okay." leading him to sit down at the couch, you placed the bag of different brands of sweets and junk on the table before facing your husband. You had to stifle in a laugh watching him wipe his nose, you couldn't help but be reminded of a mini Tetsuro by looking at him. The argument that stung you faded when he took a hold of your hands and mumbled another apology.

"You shouldn't be sorry for anything. I should be.." flickering his eyes from your belly to your bloodshot eyes from your own fiasco back in your friend's place, he slides in closer next to you where your shoulders touched. "I haven't been a good husband lately, have I?" he looks at you expectantly. Frowning, you still nodded. Tired of hiding your own feelings from him.

"I know you're busy most of the time, Tetsu. But I just wanted you to recognize me as your wife." thumbs quick to swipe away the tear that had shed from your eye, "We're in this together, remember?" he pulls you right from the arm, shoving your face to his chest in need to hold you for all the times he should've. Ignoring the dampness of his white long-sleeved polo, breathing in the scent of your sweet shampoo. You were still so forgiving and understanding despite on how equally tired as he was you are.

"I'm so sorry I've made you feel as if I never cared anymore. You never deserved that." his lips found it's way to the crown of your head. "I don't deserve you, and I really don't want to lose you after me being stupid." giggling through tears, fist connecting a soft punch on his chest, bubbling a chuckle to the surface as he lightly pulls you away from hiding.

"I really didn't mean all of those things I've said, baby. I love you and only you." stroking ever so lovingly your cheek, you don't catch on to the fact that his other hand was placed over your stomach protectively. Making a silent promise to not only you, but the soon to be new addition to the family that he will never again neglect what he should've cherished more and looked after than the constant worries at the back of his head.

Because he will never again repeat the replica of a broken family he once was born in.

© all content belongs to mochikeiji. Please do not repost or copy, ありがとうございました!! (=^･^=)

[invisibleanonymousmonsters]

Secret’s Out

Father of Mine – Part 1 and Part 2

Bruce was looking at his emails when Y/N arrived at the table.

She was breathing heavily and her hair was a bit messy, just further proving she had rushed to get there.

“I’m so sorry I’m late,” she huffed embarrassingly. “My shoot ran over and every one was moving so slowly.”

Bruce smiled. “Y/N. Relax.”

Then he stood up to greet her with a kiss on the cheek.

The two of them hadn’t seen each other in over a month. Y/N had been traveling for work constantly. And between the vigilante life and Wayne Enterprises, Bruce was running on 2 hours of sleep on the daily.

“I need a drink,” Y/N finally sighed after she got situated.

As if on cue, their waitress dropped Y/N’s favorite drink in front of her.

Y/N eyed Bruce with surprise.

He just shrugged.

Sometimes Y/N forgot how much her father noticed literally everything.

“Thank you,” she told the waitress.

“You’re overworking yourself,” Bruce said with a disapproving look.

She rolled her eyes. “Really? You’re not one to talk, Bruce.”

“You deserve a vacation. I’ll pay for it. Pick wherever you want. Bring Jason. Or some friends.”

She narrowed her eyes. “Bruce…”

It was a warning.

From the very start of their unconventional father-daughter relationship, Y/N had made it clear that she could not be bought. And Bruce spoiling her made her extremely uncomfortable. Even now, she still tried to at least split restaurant checks with him. Bruce always won those battles though.

“I’ll take a vacation when you do,” she finally countered.

That sure shut him up.

“Hey, I actually brought you something,” Y/N changed the subject as she reached for her bag.

A moment later, she lightly placed a manila folder onto the table.

Bruce’s brow furrowed as he reached for it.

As soon as he opened it, he froze.

“I had to clean out some stuff and put things into storage,” Y/N explained. “I found all my mom’s photos. I figured I could make copies of some childhood photos for you.”

Bruce’s silence made Y/N nervous.

“If you don’t want them, that’s totally fine.” She started to reach for the folder out of Bruce’s grip with awkward embarrassment. “It was stupid–”

But Bruce quickly pulled the folder closer to him and stopped her from taking the photos from him.

“Thank you,” he announced.

It made Y/N quickly sit back in her chair, caught off guard by his sincere reaction and how he’d immediately become protective of the photos.

Bruce awkwardly cleared his throat. “Thank you, Y/N.”

He repeated to make sure she understood how thankful he truly was. And Y/N suspected the throat clearing was to hide his emotions.

Now she watched as Bruce slowly went through every picture. He took in every detail with a soft smile.

These weren’t just photos. These were all of Y/N’s memories that Bruce missed, that he could never get back. And he was savoring all of them.

Then Bruce paused and was fully smiling now.

“What?” Y/N asked.

She didn’t know why all of this made her so nervous.

Bruce didn’t say anything as he lifted a photo and flipped it to show her.

It wasn’t from her childhood.

It was a black and white photo of Jason. A candid from when he had escorted her around the slums of Gotham for her most recent gallery show.

After months of thinking about it, Y/N finally had decided she wanted to frame it and hang it somewhere in her apartment. 

Y/N’s jaw dropped with embarrassment and she ripped it from his hands.

“I was developing some photos at the same time as I was making the copies. Must’ve gotten mixed up in those,” Y/N explained too quickly, unable to meet Bruce’s gaze.

It made Bruce happy to know that Y/N didn’t have the same inability to love someone and let people in like he did. It was a relief that she didn’t isolate herself from it like he had. If her mother was still alive, Bruce would thank her for it. But if Y/N’s mother were alive, he would’ve never known about Y/N in the first place.

Their entire dinner was spent with Bruce looking at the old photos. He had at least two questions for each one. Some of them Y/N didn’t remember being taken. But most of them came with stories or a loving memory.

Y/N talked for most of the meal. But that’s exactly what Bruce wanted.

Furthermore, Bruce had nothing of value to update her on. Batman business had consumed his life as of lately, and he had made a promise to never involve Y/N in any of it. And Jason seemed to be on the same page when it came to his other life as Red Hood. 

Both men seemed determined to keep her safe and away from it all. 

Two hours later, Bruce was paying the check and helping Y/N into her coat.

“I’ll give you a ride home,” he muttered as they started walking out.

Y/N had learned by now to give up on those small battles. Jason was the same way when it came to making sure she got home safely.

As they made their way to the exit, Y/N caught a few stares from other patrons who were still eating.

“Do you ever get used to it?” She asked her father in a low voice.

“Get used to what?” He asked, genuinely unaware of what she was getting at.

“People gawking at you.”

Bruce glanced around and unintentionally glared at anyone who was staring at Y/N.

“It’s good that I’m seen in public…for obvious reason,” he hinted in a quiet voice, obviously talking about needing the cover to continue his life as a masked vigilante.

Once they were outside, Alfred was already waiting at the curb with the Rolls-Royce. He greeted Y/N with a hug and a kiss to her cheek before opening the door for her and Bruce.

When they got to Y/N’s apartment building, she said her goodbyes to Alfred. And Bruce walked Y/N all the way up to her door.

Even though Y/N insisted it was overkill and she could get up the stairs on her own just fine, Bruce had seen too many terrible things in this forsaken city. He could think of thousands of things that could happen to Y/N between the car and her front door.

Once Y/N realized that Bruce’s paranoia came from experience, she stopped trying to stop his chivalry and overprotective ways. She finally understood that Bruce had seen things that would prevent her from ever sleeping again. So if walking Y/N to her door gave him a little peace of mind, she wasn’t going to take that away from him.

Y/N turned to Bruce when they reached her door. “Thanks again for dinner.”

“Of course. I’m glad we could spend some time together. Thank you again for the photos.”

Y/N didn’t realize that Bruce was about to hang every single one around Wayne Manor. 

She gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and a hug. “Get home safe.”

——————

Y/N woke up wrapped strong arms, her body overheating slightly.

When she had come home from dinner last night, Jason had already left for patrol.

He hadn’t woken her up when he got back home, just proving how exhausted Y/N had been these past few weeks.

But it was the continuous buzzing vibrations of her phone that woke her up. When she brightened the screen, she saw that she had dozens of text messages and three missed called from Bruce.

“What the fuck,” Y/N whispered as she started opening them.

But they were all about the same thing.

Everyone had sent her similar articles from various gossip websites or news outlets.

BRUCE WAYNE’S NEW GIRLFRIEND IS FAMOUS PHOTOGRAPHER Y/F/N Y/L/N

BRUCE WAYNE’S FLAVOR OF THE WEEK

IS Y/F/N Y/L/N USING THE PRINCE OF GOTHAM TO FURTHER HER CAREER?

All of the headlines were joined with photos of Bruce and Y/N having dinner last night. Apparently other customers at the restaurant had snuck photos of Bruce greeting her with a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

Y/N could see how it would be misinterpreted as romantic and not familial or platonic. But it still made her sick to see the photos twisted in such a way.

Then there were paparazzi photos of them getting in a car together. Of course there were none of Bruce dropping her off and them going their separate ways. That would be just too convenient for the two of them. 

Y/N’s stomach dropped with panic.

“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck,” she gasped without realizing it.

Jason immediately woke up. “What is it?”

Y/N ignored him and called Bruce.

“I’m handling it,” was how Bruce answered her call.

“Handling it? How exactly?” She challenged. “We can deny the rumors all we want. But everyone is going to keep tabs on us now, and they’re going to see us together again.”

Jason grabbed his own phone.

One of his brothers must’ve sent him a similar article because he rubbed his face in annoyance, finally understanding the situation. 

Nothing like your girlfriend being rumored to have a relationship with her father, who was also your mentor and adoptive father. 

“Y/N, it will blow over. It always does,” Bruce tried to calm her down.

“So what happens when I get photographed with Jason? Huh? They’re going to just say I’m cheating on both of you with each other or some fucked up shit like that.”

Bruce was silent, because they both knew she was right.

Y/N glanced at Jason, who was already waiting for her gaze.

She took in a deep breath and pinched the bridge of her nose. “Maybe we should…Maybe we should just tell the truth.”

“You’ve never wanted that, Y/N.” Bruce tried to argue.

And he was right.

Y/N was terrified of being associated with the Wayne family. People would start believing she secretly built her career off of nepotism that no one was aware of. She also didn’t want that type of attention from the media and the upperclass of Gotham.

“I don’t think we have any other choice,” Y/N finally answered.

Jason reached for thigh and gripped it, trying to offer her some sort of comfort.

“Y/N, are you sure about this?” Bruce asked slowly.

“No. Not at all. But I’d rather not have the public think I’m dating my biological father.”

“OK,” Bruce sighed. “I’ll talk to my publicist today.”

“OK.” She bit her lip before adding. “Just…tell them the whole story.”

“Y/N, if you’re worried how it will make me look, don’t.”

“But I am worried about it, Bruce. They’re going to drag you for being an absent father. And none of that is true. They’re not gonna understand.”

“I’ll call you later with an update,” he told her softly before hanging up.

Y/N tossed her phone to the foot of the bed in frustration.

Jason watched as she buried her face in her hands.

“You OK?” He asked as he rubbed her back.

“No,” she answered honestly.

“Come here.” Jason pulled her into his chest.

There was no fight from her as he cuddled her tightly.

“This is a fucking nightmare,” she groaned into his shoulder.

“I know. But maybe it’s for the best,” he tried to reason with her.

“And what happens when they catch wind that I’m dating my father’s adoptive son? Huh?”

“We’re not actually related, Y/N.”

She pulled her face back so she could glare at him. “Yeah! We know that! But you do understand that people are going to see it that way, right? Like we’re gonna look like some fucked up incestual couple to them.”

“I don’t really care,” Jason finally told her.

“You don’t care?” She scoffed.

“No,” his answer and confidence didn’t waver. “I don’t give a fuck what people say about us, Y/N. If exposing the truth means we don’t have to think twice about going to events or even just going out to dinner, then I’m all for it. I’m sick of hiding our relationship.”

Y/N blinked. She never considered that their subtle relationship bothered him in any way. She was always a strangely private person, so it felt normal to her. But clearly Jason had been wanting to be a bit more public with their relationship.

“What if this changes everything?” Y/N whispered, not meeting his eyes.

Jason smirked at that and gripped her chin, lifting it up so she would look at him. “Some paparazzi and trash tabloids aren’t going to change how I feel about you, Y/N.”

Y/N laughed lightly at that.

“Maybe we should leave Gotham for a bit,” she offered. “Bruce won’t shut up about paying for a vacation for us.”

Jason nodded. “I think that sounds like a good idea. You’ve needed a break for awhile now.”

“Well…where do you wanna go?” Y/N asked.

“Doesn’t matter to me. As long as you’re there.”

She rolled her eyes and hit Jason in the face with a pillow. “God, you really are a sap.”

Y/N appreciated Jason always being able to make her feel better and feel supported. 

But even he couldn’t stop her from wondering...

What would life be like as a Wayne?

------------------------------

Father of Mine – Bonus Content

[occasionaloneshots]

Stranger Things X Country Music

Okay? Here’s the thing, stranger things is in small town Indiana, most of the teens there know how to use a weapon, and the Byers were taken hunting on their birthdays, that’s a hicktown. As someone from small town south, everyone is raised a little on country and has a soft spot for at least one song, regardless of main music taste. Our “before he cheats” if you will. So here’s my list of 80s-early 2000s country that I think would be the stranger things characters’ (from Hawkins so no Max and Billy) favorite country song with lyrics and an added headcanon type thing

ALSO country is mainly just narrative poetry out to music, trigger warning for death and suicide

Jim Hopper

Don’t Take the Girl - Tim McGraw (1994)

“Take the very breath you gave me

Take the heart from my chest

I’ll gladly take her place if you’ll let me

Make this my last request

Take me out of this world

God please, don’t take the girl”

He cried the first time he heard it because it made him think of all of the awful things life unfolded for the women in his life, still cries at the last verse despite none of the women in his life dying in childbirth. He relates to the hopelessness of it

Eleven Hopper

Stay Beautiful - Taylor Swift (2006)

“You’re beautiful

Every little piece, love, don’t you know?

You’re really gonna be someone

Ask anyone

And when you find everything you’ve looked for

I hope your love leads you back to my door”

El still has that childlike adoration of beauty well into her early adulthood and Taylor’s debut album really spoke to her. But stay beautiful really reminds her of people like Max, Mike, and Nancy who she always saw as beautiful and could see the good in

Will Byers

Wildflowers - Dolly Parton, Linda Ronstadt, and Emmylou Harris (1987)

“The hills were alive with wildflowers

And I was as wild, even wilder than they

For at least I could run, they just died in the sun

And I refused to just wither in place

Just a wild mountain rise needing freedom to grow

So I ran gearing not where I’d go”

Will is someone still heavily attached to the wild feeling of not having worries as a child because of losing the tail end of his childhood to the upside down, the idea of comparing that to the beauty of flowers brings him comfort

Johnathan Byers

He Didn’t Have to Be - Brad Paisley (1999)

“And then, all of a sudden, oh it seemed so clear to me

How we went from something’s missing to a family

Looking back, all I can say about all the things he did for me

Is, I hope I’m at least half the dad that he didn’t have to be.”

I’d like to believe that at some point (probably post season 2) Johnathan began to see Jim as some sort of father Figure, thinking of him comforting himself and his mother when they thought will was dead and how he put himself into caring for will after the upside down. He idolizes the way he cared for their family when he didn’t have to because Lonnie never did

Joyce Byers

One Promise Too late - Reba McEntire (1986)

“Where were you

When I could have loved you

Where were you

When I gave my heart away

All my life I’ve been dreaming of you

You came along one promise too late”

It makes her think of her younger self in combination with her feelings for Jim. The constant promises getting in the way of finding their way to each other

Nancy Wheeler

Strawberry Wine - Deana Carter (1996)

“The fields have grown over now

Years since they’ve seen the plow

There’s nothing time hasn’t touched

Is it really him or the loss of my innocence?

I’ve been missing so much”

Nancy definitely associates the song with Steve and her season one self. Unsure of if she really misses who she was with Steve or just who she was before the upside down tore her understanding of life apart

Mike Wheeler

I’m Still A Guy - Brad Paisley (2008)

“Well, love makes a man do some things he ain’t proud of

And in a weak moment I might

Walk your sissy dog, hold your purse at the mall

But remember that I’m still a guy”

This song has a lot of energy of a man trying to cling to his own masculinity in insecurity which I think Ike relates to a lot. Especially in this point where he can only tell people he loves that he loves them when they’re in danger, he relates to this concept of clinging to what makes a man a man like his father does

Lucas Sinclair

Heads Carolina, Tails California- Jo Dee Messina (1996)

“We’re gonna get out of here if we gotta ride a Greyhound bus

Boy, we’re bound to outrun the bad luck that’s tailin’ us

Oh, heads Carolina, tails California

Somewhere greener, somewhere warmer”

Lucas after getting Max and himself wrapped into the upside down drama begins growing obsessed with the idea of running away with her and just getting her out of Hawkins before she can get hurt again, he doesn’t care where, just somewhere safer

Erica Sinclair

That Don’t Impress Me Much - Shania Twain (1997)

“Oh no, alright alright

You’re Tarzan

Captain Kirk maybe?

John Wayne?

Whatever, nuh-uh

That don’t impress me much”

This is a song on her getting ready mixtape, definitely singing along to it while getting ready in her young adulthood. The energy of it reminds her of the fire her younger self had

Dustin Henderson

Somebody Like You - Keith Urban (2002)

“There’s a new wind blow in’ like I’ve never known

I’m breathing deeper than I’ve ever done

And it sure feels good

To finally feel the way I do

And I wanna love somebody, love somebody like you.”

Dustin associates his adult freedoms and his love for people who surround him as this new breath of air after basically parenting his own mother. The love he finds in adulthood feels like coming up for air, breathing that first deep breath when you come out the water

Steve Harrington

Live Like You We’re Dying - Tim McGraw (2004)

“And I loved deeper

And I spoke sweeter

And I gave forgiveness I’ve been denying

And he said some day I hope you get the chance

To live like you were dying”

Steve truly does believe that his brush with death in dealing with the upside down found it’s way to bettering him. despite the trauma he gained he sees himself for having a new love for life and the people in it from how easy it was to lose people to the monsters of that other world, he finds it relatable

Robin Buckley

9 to 5 - Dolly Parton (1980)

“Working 5 to 9, you’ve got passion and a vision

‘Cause it’s hustlin’ time, a whole new way to make a livin’

Gonna change your life, do somethin’ that gives it meanin’

With a website that is worthy of your dreamin’

Well you got dress and you know they matter

Be your own boss, climb your own ladder”

Robin would LOVE how Dolly makes herself an individual with her style and definitely seems like someone who would love to follow her own passions but lives in fear of not being able to make a living off of it. She’d love 9 to 5

Eddie Munson

Whiskey Lullaby - Alison Krauss and Brad Paisley (2003)

“The rumors flew but nobody knew how much she blamed herself

For years and years she tried to hide the whiskey on her breath

She finally drank her pain away a little at a time

But she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind”

Hear me out, Eddie would NEVER admit to actually liking this song or any country of that matter. But I think he tends to take on guilt for things that aren’t his fault and he’d find something really relatable in a sad away about Alison’s verse. Also I believe in the country music to emo music pipeline, so this is a song that would be on the list to getting him into darker lyrics in my opinion

Chrissy Cunningham

She’s In Love With The Boy - Trisha Yearwood (1991)

“But Katie’s young and man

She just don’t care

She’d follow Tommy anywhere

She’s in love with the boy

She’s in love with the boy

She’s in love with the boy

And even if they have to run away

She’s gonna marry that boy some day”

Chrissy seems very into the idea of true love and keeping an image up. And the idea of running away with someone who truly loves her is something that has her twirling around her room while she gets ready

[selfproducingfanfictionauthor]

BTS scenario: Yoongi finds you after 1,871 days (1)

Summary: It takes 1,871 days for Yoongi to find you. Five years, one month, and four days. He’s turned over every house in your village, every pack in your province, and chased your family to every distant home you have before arriving to a quaint apartment in the middle of Seoul. Warnings/Notes: The continuation to Yoongi’s part in this scenario drabble. Please read because it might not sense if you don’t lol. No warnings as of now. 

Word Count: 1,500+ words READ PART TWO HERE

It takes 1,871 days for Yoongi to find you.

Five years, one month, and four days. He’s turned over every house in your village, every pack in your province, and chased your family to every distant home you have before arriving to a quaint apartment in the middle of Seoul.

Inside the car and behind the tinted windows, Yoongi stares up to your apartment. It’s small, but it comes with a balcony where clothes hang to dry. He recognizes a familiar red blouse, and a blue jumper.

What he doesn’t recognize are these: a small pair of shorts, a school uniform, and a plain shirt - all in a size of perfect for a child.

1,871 days is a long time but you split it like this: the time before Yongho and the time after Yongho.

It didn’t take long for you to leave the pack after that night with Yoongi. You knew then that if you drag your feet, you’ll never be able to leave. So, with your family’s promise and blessing, you packed your bags, your savings, and your heart and boarded the next plane out of the country.

You didn’t think Yoongi would look for you (but you hoped, desperately, sometimes even too much) but still, you took serious precautions. Running away with an alpha’s child is not a slight offense regardless of the reason.

With no family and no friends, you hunkered down in the outskirts of Taipei. You watched summer turn to fall, and then by winter, your arms are warmed by the small bundle of joy that is your son.

Yongho is a precious boy, with your nose and lips, and Yoongi’s feline eyes. He’s curious, energetic, and affectionate, and not a day goes by that you’re not thankful for his presence.

When he turned three, and with no new news of Yoongi coming from your family, you opted to return to your homeland to finish your post-graduate studies. You never planned on hiding Yongho from his father forever, but for years after you left, your family urged you not to reveal yourself.

The pack has splintered, stay hidden until everything settles. They are invoking the old law.

And so you did, however, now, circumstances have changed.

“Yongho, I’d like to introduce you to someone.”

Yoongi watches a few steps behind you as you kneel down to your child’s height. Even with your crouching form, he still couldn’t see his son’s features. He’s small for his age, he muses, just like he was in his youth.

Yoongi hears a sound of high-pitched approval from his child, before your lips curve into a familiar smile.

“Good,” you say, “Why don’t you change clothes and then you can join us in the kitchen?”

The little boy scampers away with a giggle and you silently turn to Yoongi, leading him to the kitchen.

Your apartment isn’t small, but it’s not large either. The kitchen is quaint with herbs growing on the small window by the sink. Yoongi smells the leftover scents of bacon, milk, and eggs from the air mixed with the tea you placed in front of him.

For a while, it’s silent and Yoongi takes care to observe you.

It’s been five years but somehow, the difference startles him. Though your features remained the same, there’s a certain hardness to it now, like a polished sword - a calm protective air.

“Mama! I’m ready!”

Your scent immediately spikes with warmth as you hear your son’s steps down the stairs. You turn in your chair, catching him so readily in your arms.

“I combed my hair too, see?” Yongho peers up to you with a smile, one of his front teeth missing. Smiling fondly, you touch his hair lightly. “I see that, my love, good job.”

Yongho grins before turning and glancing at the man with his eyes, sitting at the other end of your dining table. His smile wobbles at the seriousness in the man’s face but he perseveres. He’s a guest, mama said.

Seeing that Yoongi has caught your son’s attention, you clear your throat. You’ve never lied about your son’s father ever since he first asked about it when he was three, and so this conversation shouldn’t be hard.

“Yongho, this is Yoongi, your father.”

The secondary gender’s characteristics manifests early into puberty. However, with the advancement of science and technology, people have found a way to determine an individual’s secondary gender as early as they’re 6 months old.

You tried avoiding these tests for Yongho to give him a shot at a regular, unburdened childhood but it became unavoidable when you tried to enroll him to his first pre-school class.

It had taken all of your family’s dwindling connections to scrub the records clean but even that isn’t enough to keep the news from reaching the elders ears.

Your son, little Y/L/N Yongho, is the rarest of them all - a male omega.

And so you called Yoongi. It’s less of him finding you, and more of you allowing yourself to be found. With nothing left to possibly do, you reached out to the only one you think can help.

Things have settled quite quickly, your son is young, forgiving and eager. At the sight of his father, he quickly warmed up and you watched Yoongi struggle faintly at the overwhelming energy of your pup.

They spent the whole day in his room, watching movie after movie, and playing with every toy Yongho owns. He even showed his father his drawings, most of which were of the town you lived in Taiwan.

“So that’s where you went.” Yoongi observes, finger touching the crayon drawing of you and Yongho making pineapple cakes.

The sun has already set and Yongho’s knocked out in his room. The two of you are once again across each other, on the other sides of your mahogany kitchen table.

“Yes,” you respond calmly, “We stayed there for three years.”

Yoongi breathes, closes his eyes and tries not to think of you, heavily pregnant and alone. There’s time to discuss the past, but that’s not today. Still, he couldn’t help the bitterness seep into his voice, not after he’s known what he missed for five years.

A son, a beautiful son.

“Had I known you’re craving pineapple cakes, we would’ve sent for it.”

I looked for you, he wants to say, I nearly went mad, looking for you.

You let out a pained chuckle, “Funny. I actually couldn’t stand it when I was pregnant. Yongho loves them though.”

“Why am I here?” Yoongi cuts, his alpha rearing its head. That’s our blood she hid, it snarls, our seed, our son - she took him away!

Wordlessly, you took out a red envelope from under your seat. The familiar seal of the pack elders broken into two. You slide it towards Yoongi and watch as he reads it contents.

You watch as his eyes grow sharper and his jaw clench reading the request of the elders. He too, has changed, you observe. The wild energy you’ve associated with him is gone, perhaps veiled under the surface.

After all, an omega’s chosen alpha should be a man of discipline.

“They can’t do this,” Yoongi grits out. “It’s against the law to take a child from their family.”

You shake your head, nights poured over the texts of your youth heavy on your mind, “The pack only recognizes families of mated individuals.”

Yoongi’s eyes flicker at your unmarked neck and his alpha curls into himself. Unmarked. Our son’s mother is unmarked, it whimpers. Before he could speak, you continue on.

“I’ve read the books, and sought advice from the Wong pack of Taipei, there are two ways to avoid this—“

Marriage, Yoongi thinks, and the box in his pocket suddenly weighs a ton. He’s carried it around for five years, hoping to find you. 

“—but since mating is out of question—“ a flash of the old you passes in your eyes, and Yoongi opens his mouth to protest, but you don’t stop.

“— I’ve invoked the ancient law.” You pause, taking a deep breathe. “A month from now, I’ll be battling the primary alpha of the pack for the custody of our child.”

Yoongi gasps. The primary alpha… is Jeon Jungkook, one of their strongest and most devoted to the omega. He’ll tear you apart if she so asks.

Yoongi startles when you push your chair back, standing suddenly in front of him. Your eyes are brimming with unshed tears, but your back is straight, as you kneel down- your forehead to the ground, a few inches from his feet.

“Min Yoongi, alpha of the Min family, father of my son, my former betrothed — for all that we were and we cannot be, I beseech you.”

Yoongi’s alpha is snarling inside his head, confused, scared, angry at your thoughtless decision and his own thoughtlessness that lead you here. It’s a visceral reaction - an alpha doesn’t bow to another alpha, but here you are.  Everything for your son. 

“If I lose, take our son. He needs your name.”

END NOTES: Well, this got out of hand. There’s a lot unsaid between these two and a lot of time passed by between the them in the drabble and this one. Let me know what you think! I’m thinking of where to bring the other hyungline members’ plotlines still.  Hearts are great but comments and reblogs will reach a lot more readers. Let’s spread the love!  Should I continue Yoongi’s story? What do you think will happen? TAG LIST: @justmewondering-recs @cloudbuffalo @blushingatyou @aroseharder @neverthefirstchoice @xanny91 @sugaaddiction @flirtygerty​ @darkskin-buttercup​

[mcyt-kalopsia]

Reacting to Your Death

So obviously I didn’t write all of them, but here’s how I interpret the SMP members that are written would react to you dying. 

Warnings: Spoilers for Tommy’s latest stream (Literally like one offhand), obviously death, lots of angst, violence mentions, Schlatt for anyone who doesn’t like him I suppose

Theme: angst, obviously it’s just them and how they deal with your death.

Characters; all the ones with (p) are strictly platonic but the others are up to personal interpretation: Dream, George, Sapnap, Wilbur, Techno, Schlatt, Tubbo (p), Ranboo (p), Tommy (p), Awesamdude, Niki, Karl, Quackity, Minx, Badboyhalo, Phil, DreamXD, Skeppy, Fundy.

DREAM:

- The first few days and nights, all he could do was sit inside all day. 

- No matter who visited to comfort him, he felt a horribly large part of his heart had been ripped away when you died.

- He thought about the day when you finally told him that a dirt shack wouldn’t do for a house, so you two spent days building an actual house.

- After those first few days, he decided he would bring you back. 

- The revive book had worked for Tommy and Wilbur, so it had to work for you. 

- He swore he would bring you back. So he did.

GEORGE:

- He didn’t know how to feel at first. He would get terribly depressed, then angry, and then numb, over and over.

- After a week of this, he then could hardly stop crying. What was he going to do without you? The realisation that he was without you hit him like a truck.

- Whenever he would go out with friends, he made it a habit to pick one of your favourite flowers each day. 

SAPNAP:

- He was crushed. He acted out more and more often out of anger to avoid his sadness and hurt, but when he was alone all he did was try so, so hard not to cry. 

- Bruised and bloodied knuckles were his most worn accessory.

- Often slept in your house, as a way to feel closer to you. He spends a lot more time in your house than his.

- Always remembered your birthday, but every birthday just made him more sad. 

- Eventually he would go to Dream about the revive book too.

WILBUR:

- You had been the only one to see past his flaws in a wary way, and he was heartbroken when you died.

- He often sat on your porch and sang songs he had once sang to you, as well as songs he knew you’d loved, and songs he’d written for you. 

- He was the one to make your grave, and had promised to be kinder.

- Though he loved being alive, he didn’t like that you couldn’t also have a second chance at life as well and felt it unfair.

- Probably resorted to a little bit of violence once he got to the anger stage of grieving.

TECHNOBLADE:

- He was always a pretty quiet guy, but when you died he went silent for weeks aside from when he was alone.

- When he was alone, he went into his library. He found all of your favourite books, worn and bent on pages from you reading them over and over, and he would read them aloud. 

- He hoped you could hear him from wherever you were as he read the books you had loved.

- He spent a lot of time awake as he did this, oftentimes getting very invested in what you had loved.

- If he wasn’t reading, usually he was in bed, wondering about how he couldn’t save you. 

SCHLATT:

- Of course, in public he looked composed as he usually was, as if it wasn’t eating him up inside that you were gone.

- “Who was that again?”

- When alone, he falls apart immediately. 

- People assume that when he’s waking up at near to noon it’s because he’s drinking, but it’s really because your death kept him up all night every night.

- He hardly even drank now, because of the secret promise he’d made to you.

- Though you were dead now, he still wanted to keep his promise, just in case.

TUBBO:

- Was the one who made everyone promise to get along when Wilbur made the funeral.

- Was entrusted with the love and care of your stuffed animals or anything from your childhood.

- Has your old childhood photos framed along with his own, so others often stop by to look at the photos to remember you by.

- Probably has your old horse as well, and takes really good care of them.

RANBOO:

- You two had been really close friends before you died. You were such good friends that he didn’t even need his book to remember you were friends, so of course he was absolutely crushed.

- Though he tried his best to stay stable to avoid certain things, he was upset.

- He definitely gave a speech at your funeral.

- He often sits in your room, talking aloud as if you were still with him.

- He would often repeat old jokes you used to tell each other, laughing softly and trying his best to not get too upset.

- If he wasn’t in your room, he was in your old garden tending to your flowers.

TOMMY:

- He’s also more aggressive like Sapnap, except moreso verbally.

- He blames himself heavily for what happened to you, and he mentally beats himself up about it all the time.

- “It was my fault Y/N’s dead, I get it!”

- He’s not much of a cryer.

AWESAMDUDE:

- All of his pain and sadness get put aside with work. He works harder, he makes it so he hardly has time to think about it.

- When he does think about it, he just feels so heavy the rest of the day, like thinking about your death has sucked the rest of the day’s energy from him.

- Sometimes he’s teased for suddenly being so sluggish and unlike himself, but he can’t even muster the energy to explain that he was thinking about you and how he missed you so badly that it hurt him deeply.

- To say the least, he felt like he had believed too much in you having more time. He should have known not to trust in fate.

NIKI:

- She for sure has any other pets you had. She takes extra good care of them.

- There’s a little spot in her garden dedicated to you.

- She had shut down for a good while after your funeral, where she hardly spoke to anyone and often lay in bed all day to try and remember you.

- Although as time went on, she decided you would have hated seeing her in bed all day like that and started doing her normal routines.

KARL:

- He knew he should have seen it coming, but… somehow, he didn’t.

- He felt a little guilty about this thought, and it often kept him from doing any normal tasks.

- He misses the days when one of you felt bad so the other would do everything in their power to make them feel better. 

- Needless to say, he started writing letters to you, even if it was just to keep himself a little busy.

QUACKITY:

- Laughing Through the Pain™

- He spends a lot more time making sure people aren’t worried, by making really bad jokes as usual.

- The only times he cries are when he thinks too much about you, regardless of if he’s alone or not. Sometimes it makes encounters awkward.

- He’s just sobbing one time while in the midst of a conversation with someone and he’s just like “sorry man I was thinking about Y/N” and they are just like “...oh”

MINX:

- Aggressive but make it threatening and nothing more. 

- “If you don’t fucking shut up about Y/N I’ll knock yer teeth in”

- She just wants to be alone sometimes. She just wants to be alone so maybe the pain will stop being so bad.

- Also not much of a cryer unless it’s late at night.

BADBOYHALO:

- “You little muffin… I told you not to get yourself into danger..”

- He loves to talk about you whenever people bring an old interest up.

- “I remember how much Y/N loved these…” He’s staring at the flowers nearby. He’s smiling sadly. 

- Often shares good memories of you with others to help them cope a little.

- He’s sad, but he knows it would do him no good to be so miserable that he can’t do anything. And he knows how much you would scold him if he stopped being himself completely.

PHIL:

- He names a parrot after you, naturally.

- He’s not gone as often now because he likes to stop by your grave and just talk. 

- He collects things that remind him of you and puts them in a special chest marked with your name. Sometimes it’s things you said were cool, other times it’s just things that he associates with you.

- Drinks your favourite teas.

DREAMXD:

- Would absolutely just go “lmao” in the chat and then leave again

- That’s it, that’s him.

SKEPPY:

- No more silly pranks with him :( no more memeing on others…

- It hits him hard

- Like Quackity, he makes a lot of jokes to mask how upset he is.

- Of course, he has Bad, but damn was it still difficult to deal with your passing.

FUNDY:

- :(

- He’s so sad that he doesn’t even want to do anything or go anywhere.

- It feels like his whole world just stopped and that nothing could hurt worse than this, and he doesn’t even want to face this sadness.

- He often goes out into the woods to climb trees like the two of you used to do.

[bailey-reaper]

Okay hear me out, what if childhood friends to lovers but it's TABOO 👀 like s/o is a commoner(?) that Barok maybe befriended accompanying Klint around in London once and Klint was honestly just happy that his little brother made a friend so he was supportive. S/o eventually makes a name for themself by excelling in their chosen career (maybe detective?) But otherwise don't have any status or such?

The feelings are mutual but s/o is nervous to say anything because they're aware that they lack the status to be a "worthy"/acceptable partner, so eventually Barok caves and confesses instead? Perhaps with some encouragement from Klint? (I'm feeling like.... 18-20 year old Barok here?) Maybe Klint is cool with it because-at least at this point- he's the head of the family and has a wife so he's not too worried about Barok marrying someone with status as long as they make him happy?

Idk I'm a big sucker for "forbidden romance but it works out anyway" lol thanks!

Headcanons (Forbidden Fruit)

Notes: You're very valid for enjoying forbidden romance, friend! There's something so compelling about it (and it's especially good when things work out!).

S/O is gender neutral (they/them pronouns). Barok refers to them using petnames.

Content Warnings: societal expectations; questioning self-value / worth; class politics

Barok met them, on Ludgate Hill, on his way home from watching Klint in court. He was fascinated by the chalk patterns they were drawing on the pavement and trotted ahead of Klint to ask them what they were doing.

"Going to play hopscotch!" they replied with a big smile, "Want to play too?" upon Barok nodding, they taught him how to play and the two set about hopping from square to square as the game proscribed. Klint hung back to watch as his brother immersed himself in a moment of play that was sweet to observe.

Eventually Barok realised he'd been keeping his brother waiting, "O-Oh! I'm sorry brother... I ... got a bit carried away."

"Nonsense, Barok! It's nice to see you with a friend, are you going to introduce me?"

"Oh!" It dawned on Barok that he hadn't even introduced himself to his new friend, but thanks to Klint introductions were made.

"Everyone calls me 'Trouble'," they said, almost proudly, "Nice to meet you, Barok, Mister Klint."

"M-Mister Klint?" suddenly he felt very old, despite only being in his twenties... Still, it was lovely to see Barok interacting with someone his own age: usually his little brother didn't have much opportunity for being a child, so this was a nice opportunity for him, "... Anyway... perhaps you'd like to come to our house for dinner one day, 'Trouble'?"

"Yea that sounds good! I'm usually here, playing hopscotch or marbles or somethin'! So just come find me, ok Barok?" the younger brother nodded, and promised he would come back to visit his new friend.

Gradually Barok and Trouble would become thick as thieves, playing games together and going on adventures. They were easily his best friend, and Klint was more than happy to let the friendship blossom.

As the two grow older, Barok started to notice just how fond he was of his friend while they became increasingly aware of the class divide between them –– Barok was of noble blood, even they'd heard of the van Zieks family. There were a few people telling them that their friendship with the younger son was unusual indeed, but why was that? Barok was just a kid, like anyone else...

The years leaf by and despite the odds their friendship remained strong, even when Barok left to attend university –– he would regularly write to his friend, Trouble, who had joined Scotland Yard as an apprentice.

When they meet again, as young adults, there's definitely an attraction between them but Trouble is unwilling to acknowledge it or act upon it. Their time in the Yard has taught them even more about the class divide, and they're pretty sure that eventually Barok is going to tell them that he cannot be seen associating with them because they're a lowly commoner.

It stings to think about that conversation, but surely one day it has to come? One day he'll have to put his status before his friendship, and they're dreading it...

From Barok's perspective, he's struggling with his ever-growing feelings toward his friend and the feeling that things are strained between them. Is that his fault? Is he making it awkward for them? Of course, Barok's also concerned about harbouring such fondness for them because he doubts he'd be allowed to pursue such a relationship –– though he would very much like to

Thus, for a while, the two quietly agonise over their respective feelings / positions, and it becomes clear to Klint that something is weighing heavily on his brother's mind and so, in true Klint fashion, he takes his brother out (probably to a pub) to ask him directly what's troubling him so.

After quite a bit of cajoling (and a few drinks), Barok fesses up about what's going on in his head and his heart: he's had fond feelings toward his childhood friend for a while now, and those feelings have only grown stronger, and not only does his friend seem to be growing distant (he fears because he makes them awkward) but he also feels despondent because it's not something he can act upon, being of 'noble' blood.

Klint pats Barok's shoulder and says, "Well, all you need is the blessing of the master of the family, don't you?" to which his younger brother nods, "Well, you have it, Barok. Your happiness means far much more to me than the standing of your beloved. I don't care if they're a commoner or a member of royalty, so long as they make you happy. I can handle the politics, alright?"

That gives Barok the confidence to, in his own awkward yet adorable way, confess to his beloved friend that he has feelings for them and he'd like to be with them –– if they'll have him.

Barok's confession startles them, because when he said 'I need to talk to you' they'd wholly expected the conversation they've long been dreading: the 'you're a commoner, so I cannot be seen to associate with you anymore' talk. To hear that he had feelings for them and wanted to be with them was unbelievable. "This... isn't a joke, right?" they ask, tentatively.

"It's not a joke," he assures them, "I... have been in love with you for quite some time but I had no idea how to broach the subject. I fear that made me more distant of late and I'd like to apologise for my lack of communication."

"....." all this time they'd thought Barok was plagued with concern for his noble standing, when in reality his feelings toward them had only seemed to grow deeper –– as had their own toward him, but they'd told themself that such thoughts only belonged in fairy stories and dreams, "... Barok I... I... but..." yet doubts still lingered in their mind, "What about your standing? You're a noble, I'm just a commoner..."

"Don't worry about that, my brother has given his blessing to me... we can make this work, if you'll have me... that is."

"Oh..." and now it really does feel like a fairy story, but it's not fiction: it's reality, Barok loves them and wants to be with them and Klint has given his blessing to him being with someone like them. They throw themself into his arms and cuddle him, "Of course I'll have you! I wouldn't want anyone else!"

[innovativestruggles]

Daisuke and Suzue’s Mutual Trust - A Mini Analysis

***(Edited version with additional information re; Daisuke’s parents and Haru)***

Hey gang, so I had this nagging thought to write this awhile back and it just escalated after I watched Episode 10. So now my brain won’t leave me alone until I’ve shared this with you.

I would again, like to reiterate that only FOUR TIMES in the entire 10 episodes of FKBU so far, has Daisuke shown a soft, genuine smile. This man has been incredibly traumatised since childhood. He is apathetic, frustrated and emotionless and essentially an asshole at best. He has lost all reason to smile. The post traumatic stress sits very heavily on him.

Considering how he grew up as a happy kid, it was absolutely heartbreaking when that happiness was taken from him. So to see Daisuke show any type of soften emotion was incredibly profound. It shows a vulnerable side to him, because that side has been severely repressed. 

I don’t want to go all social workey on everyone here but I just want to explain something. In those who have experienced significant trauma, they no longer view the world as a safe place. So Daisuke’s suppressed emotions were the only way he saw fit to survive in a ‘hostile world.’ When positive emotions are expressed, it makes the trauma survivor vulnerable. How? Because in Daisuke’s case, as a child, positive emotions were associated with feeling unsafe. He grew up happily along side his parents, only to witness his father murder his mother.

So any time a trauma survivor wants to show positive emotions (be it consciously or subconsciously), they must feel safe, because it makes them vulnerable. 

The only four times Daisuke showed any sort of soft, genuine, smile-like emotion were:

When he came home. Given his unstable relationship with Grandma, I can make an educated guess that returning home was not for her or mostly for her. And we are not going to include the butler because that relationship was more professional.

Directly after this scene, Daisuke proceeded to cook for Suzue (and only her). In other words, I can take a guess that he was happy to finally return home to placate Suzue’s worries and be mostly in her company.

When he made food for Suzue. This man was so proud of himself istg ... just look at him .. but y’know, we have seen him with a proud smug face before, but this one was a soft and genuine one.

When he reassured Suzue that he will make it home alive.

When he carried Suzue in the OP

So what am I trying to say? 

They are all related to Suzue in some way or another.

Suzue made Daisuke feel safe enough to express vulnerable emotions (in this case, positive ones). Throughout the anime, the dynamics between Suzue and Daisuke were solely based on trust. Daisuke trusted Suzue with his life. He knew she will always be there for him no matter what. 

In that above scene where Daisuke reassured Suzue he will return home, Suzue, despite knowing the dangers, trusted him to follow through and keep himself alive. There was a hidden promise in the words he used and the way he said it.

Can I also add something too?

Compare the above two scenes to the two below

What do you see?

Daisuke does NOT like being touched.

Sure, Daisuke was visibly injured in the scenes with Haru, but he was not injured enough that he could no longer fight or walk on his own. What this meant was that Daisuke did not shove Suzue away or remove his hand from hers because he was not physically injured. It meant he has an immense level of trust in her. Daisuke may have initially been uncomfortable and unsure with Suzue’s actions, but he eventually allowed her to remain on him.

(Edit:) I’d like to explain the above part a little better as I realised it can get a bit confusing. Some of you may think that Daisuke pushed Haru away because he was physically weak and injured and therefore vulnerable. Which means you may also think that he did not push Suzue away or remove his hand from hers because he was not physically weak/injured at the time. 

This was not the case. Daisuke simply did not like being touched because of his trauma. How did I speculate this? Daisuke was able to fight pretty well, despite being injured, so in essence, if he truly did push Haru away because of his injuries, he should not be able to fight or function for the sake of being physically vulnerable. That would be more of a probable explanation. But instead, Daisuke was still strong enough to walk and push on, which meant the likely explanation to refusing physical assistance was: Daisuke’s trauma

Remember this. Trauma survivors do not often like being touched, particularly when they have witnessed/experienced violence as a child. They view the world as an unsafe place.

(Edit:) So in other words, it was not because of his injuries or physical vulnerable state that made Daisuke push Haru away, it was because he did not like being touched by someone who has not earned that high level of trust. If Suzue was in Haru’s place on that boat scene, Daisuke most likely would have allowed her to assist him because she has earned that high level of trust.

This does not mean Daisuke does not trust Haru. As we saw in Episode 10, Daisuke grew to respect and trust Haru. But not at the level where he was comfortable with being physically touched. That’s literally a whole new level.  (And no, a bump into the ass or brush on the shoulder does not count as proper physical touch). 

When you have been betrayed as a child, and you view the world as an awful place, the idea of ‘trust’ does not exist. You won’t understand what that means because you will think there is no point in trusting people -  they will just betray you. It’s more significant when this breach of trust occurred as a child.

So rebuilding trust for trauma survivors take a very, very long time. They have to learn to trust all over again, and even then, they may not trust just anyone. In Daisuke’s case, he ticked all the above. To have earned that level of respect where a traumatised Daisuke would trust someone with his life, Suzue must be one incredible woman. She must be so damn important to him, even though it may not be obvious all the time.

(Edit:) I’d also like to briefly add something here. There may be other significant reason for the bridal carry in the OP. It may indicate that Daisuke is indeed comfortable enough to have Suzue that (physically) close to him.

Seeing how I have seen quite a lot of anime where there are significant trauma involved as the storyline, I can definitely see the same patterns emerging with FKBU re; Daisuke’s story.

So I would like to end it on something.

In the above scene, Daisuke’s indirect way of showing he cared for Suzue was not out of the ordinary for someone who has been traumatised. There may not be a direct apology (or maybe there was behind the scenes??) we could see, but trauma greatly suppresses proper emotional development (and particularly when it happened to him as a growing child). 

So Daisuke may not fully understand the right way to make amends or how to resolve the situation. He may not even think what he did was wrong, so his way of trying to amend things (whether with an apology intended or without), was to make food for Suzue.

Needless to say that Suzue was very forgiving and so extremely patient with him. Patience, support and empathy are key to supporting trauma survivors. Fuck. The more I analyse this, the more I realise how deeply profound Daizue’s relationship is ❤️

EDIT:

Daisuke’s Parents and Haru

Someone asked me a very interesting question about Daisuke’s trauma, his father and the photo frame of his parents on his bedside table.

Without delving too much into the complexity of trauma, the likely plausible explanation would be that Daisuke still has some form of attachment and love for his father. Trauma survivors can still love the person who betrayed them, despite holding a grudge towards them at the same time. It is not an unusual/uncommon thing. This would be a lot more significant for those who experienced childhood trauma. So to me, it sounded like Daisuke loved and got along well with both his parents.

The picture on his bedside table may be a representation of what he has lost - a happy childhood, so he still kept it there, not necessarily as a reminder, but as a form of subconscious attachment he has for his parents.

Haru vs Daisuke

The same person also queried about the differing traumas between these two. Whilst it is never an appropriate thing to compare traumas, I’m happy to explain this for the sake of understanding.

Haru’s trauma occurred during a one off incident that ended up spiralling into some form of post traumatic stress. Whilst we do not know about Haru’s past, based on his personality and some tiny hints along the way, Haru most likely grew up in a relatively normal family. So Haru was able to bounce back and overcome his trauma relatively well (as we saw in Episode 10, he finally fired a gun!).

Daisuke, however, is a different story. Daisuke’s trauma is extremely complex because of the age he experienced it, and the type as well. Trauma involving close families that end up in violence and murder is one of the biggest betrayals of trust, particularly for a child. 

As I stated earlier, Daisuke no longer viewed the world as a safe place. His trauma was deeply ingrained and it shaped his emotional development and his interactions with others. If you look at Grandma and both Daisuke’s parents, you can see that they were relatively ‘normal’ in terms of emotional development. That is, you can see that they showed more varied emotions and their interactions with others were not ... weird. 

But if you compare them with adult Daisuke, it is very different. Immediately you can say that there is definitely something wrong with him. And I am not talking about how he grew up rich, because that is a separate thing. I am talking more about his emotional responses to people.

[kileyrose-2003]

Tina’s Tuesday Night Mini Fic Pt. 1

Word count: Who cares? Lol

A/N: Hi lovelies! I am back!! First thing, I know. You're probably saying Kiley, wtf? It's not Tuesday. I know. Life happened. I've had a busy past few days and a final today. Anyways, this was something I did with @merci-bitch when the U.S originally went on lockdown. It was a fun way to keep me busy and get my mind off of stuff. We both decided to restart this about a week ago. So, I dedicate this to my dear friend Tina. Love you hun and hope you enjoy this! And please, if you haven't been to her blog to read any of her work, go do so. She works so hard on what she writes and is amazing.

Pt. 2 will be coming next week

To everyone waiting on fics: I'll get there. Eventually. And I'm not going into reasoning. But anyways, love you all and I hope you have a great day!

"...This is the greatest show!" You slammed your hands down on the piano keys and breathed in sharply. "God damn it, Jenny!"

"What?" You let a groan and handed her the sheet music. "Look there at that line there. Do you see that note?”

“I can see, can’t I?” Her bright green eyes lost their cool shade of arrogance when she seen how pissed you look. "Not F!” You pointed to the paper in her hand. “D! You hear that note there?" You pressed down on the key repeatedly. "D!"

"Sorry." The red head smiled at you impishly. "No, you're not. This is the fifth time we've done this and yet you still insist on doing this your own way." She sat next to you on the piano bench and gave your shoulder a reassuring squeeze. “Well, I think the change makes it sound better.”

“Phineas liked it better this way,” you seethed through gritted teeth. “But what does he know of art?” You could feel your face slowing turning a distinct shade of cherry red and you bit down on your tongue.

"He must of known something with how much you tried to get in his pants," you mused to yourself.

You rolled your eyes. You loved Jenny to death but how you couldn't stand her at times. You tried and tried so desperately to get along with her and compromise when she was like this but no matter what you did, she was stubborn and so..cold at times.

Sure, Jenny was a bit of a snob but she was a genius when it came to music and you respected that. She was what inspired you to take up music in the first place.

Your childhood was far from easy. Before you even joined the circus, you were bounced all over the place. You never belonged anywhere. From the deteriorating cottage in a small, seaside village in Sweden to the cramped one bedroom apartment in London that no one would dare walk past at night. Your father was no where to be seen and your mother was an actress, always struggling to meet ends meet. She was never home, but that wasn't always a bad thing. That meant you got to explore.

That was how you got to hearJenny sing for the first time. Hiding out in the musty attic of an old Swedish theatre. Even before she hit extreme levels of fame, her voice was like a siren's call. Drawing you in further and further in. It still was in a way. She was so beautiful and even as much as she pissed you off, you loved watching her sing. Like the time at the palace. She was eye candy in that dress, the way it hugged her hips and how the bust showed the slightest bit of clevage when you looked at her at just the right angle-

"Stop it, Y/n!" You told yourself. "She's not interested in you."

Or was she? The way she looked at you when you spoke to Phineas was always with such contempt or such jealousy. You could never understand why though. It was her who tried to steal Phineas away. Not you. He was a close friend who gave you a chance when you had nothing and you never so much as even thought of eyeing him in such a manner. Phineas clearly wasn't interested in her or any other woman but his wife. He pushed her away numerous times. Jenny had no reason to be jealous of you. Yet, she was.

‘But it is of me or others though?"

One could never be sure with Jenny. Sure, there was a bit of a rivalry between the two of you when it came to music. But she was your friend. 'Very clingy for just a friend,' you noted.

'That's normal though, isn't it?'

Maybe you were just over thinking things. Besides, the relationship between the two of you seemed to be getting better lately. Ever since the scandal went public, it seemed the two of you were spending more and more time together.

You were the only one who listened to her side of the story, held her when she cried, made sure she wasn't drinking her emotions away, and tried to help her through it. Even as much as she pissed you off. You warned her in the first place not to seek out Phineas but despite the nasty arguments, the constant bickering she became your friend. Maybe even your best friend. Which you got alot of shit for.

Nobody liked Jenny and you were starting to get the feeling you weren't so popular anymore either. Everyone thought after the affair went public, the two of you would of left. Her name as well as yours, was slandered all over the paper simply because you associated with her. You had been called it all. The ring leader, the mastermind, the mistress to the two.

But neither of you resigned. Yet. Part of you wondered how long it would be until either would receive letters of negotiations to end your contract. But either way, you knew Jenny wasn't leaving without you. She promised you that.

'So maybe she does like me.'

Then that small voice came in the back of your head. 'Or maybe you just want her to like you back.'

Either way, you couldn't let that haunt your conscience for now. Even as much as you'd like to visualize a future with her, it wouldn't work. You could feel the heat pooling into your cheeks as you came back to reality and bit down on your lip. Jenny's hand was lingering up and down your back, rhythmically making shapes with the tips of her fingers. Damn her and her touch! You shouldn't be feeling this way.

"Are you okay?" You shook your head and covered your face with your hands, trying not focus on all the pain you felt inside. "No. No, I’m not."

You felt tears burning in the sides of your eyes. "This isn’t working!” Jenny furrowed her brow and tried to move your hands away from your face. “What do you mean?” She was trying to be gentle even though you could tell from the look in her eyes she had no clue what to do.

“This..all of this!” You ripped the sheet music out of her hand and flung it on top of the piano. “Something's got to give,"

She rolled her eyes as if she seen it all before and stood up, walking hastily over to the ice bucket. "Do you not have what you want?" She opened up a bottle of red wine. "Fame? Recogniton?"

"It's not enough and I don't know if I even have any of that anymore." Jenny eyed you as she poured the liquor heavily into both glasses. "I'm not liked here, Jenny."

She handed you your glass and sat down next to you. You eagerly took a sip of the wine, just wanting to forget everything for a little while. "That's not true. I like you." She leaned in closer to you.

You cracked a small grin filled with cynicism. Maybe even a little bit of hostility. Never had you felt so much love and hate towards someone at the same time. "We could both leave." Jenny's voice pulled you out of your head.

"And go where?"

"Back to Sweden with me for the time being." You noticed the intensity in Jenny's eyes growing and she reached out and grabbed your hand. You could feel her nimble gently squeezing into the palm of your hand. "You know I care for you, Y/n."

"Do you?" You tried your hardest not to sound sarcastic, you were still a little mad at her. But god! How close she was to you. You could smell her expensive perfume, see the slight hint of a shimmer radiating off of her lips. "You're fiery and you don't take my shit."

This couldn't be real. You had to be dreaming. "Jenny, this...there's a possibility this couldn't work." You tried to scoot away from her, a little intimidated by the proximity between the two of you.

"We can try to make it work."

"How?" You eyed her skeptically. "Let me take you out. Let me show you I can make this work." You furrowed your eyebrows. "Why? Need a new fling after Phineas?" You teased.

Jenny wasn't amused by that all. If anything she was pissed but she smiled anyways. Seeming to stoop down to your level with a smile that was sickly sweet. "More like a date."

"And why should I do this with you?" She let go of your hand and placed it on your thigh. "Because I probably understand you alot more than you think." As you looked into Jenny's eyes, you found some level of sincerity mixed into those deep lustful orbs. You wanted to trust her so badly.

"What do I have to lose?" You thought.

Everything. Everything to lose.

"Fine." You gave in, despise everything in your mind screaming not too. "But you have one shot and one shot only."

Jenny nodded and leaned forward to place a gentle kiss on your cheek. "And it won't take me more than once to impress. After all, I already made your career." You felt the hair on your arms stand straight up as her hands lingered on you, gently squeezing your hips.

"I'll see you tomorrow at 6. Sharp."

"Yeah," you watched as Jenny walked away, her hair flowing behind her like a beautiful sheath.

You felt a pit growing in the depths of your stomach. What the hell had you gotten yourself into?

[soramel]

Chained to You (Part 4)

genre: angst, romance, unconventional relationship warning: eventual smut A/N: cross-posted; the story continues at Part 18 in wattpad;

1 2 3 4

Part 4 words: 2,595

Drumming your fingers on the steering wheel, you unconsciously bit your lip as you tried to sort your thoughts out. You even closed your eyes... forehead scrunched in confusion as your failed attempt to detach yourself from all the happenings irritated you more.

So what if he has a woman?

It shouldn't be surprising at all because he's accomplished, has a good family background, and for sure, the looks that everyone would kill for.

Did I just admit that he's attractive?

You scoffed at the thought. Those sleepless nights you spent on analyzing worksheets after worksheets finally altered how your brain functions.

Your phone rang, pulling you out of your reverie. Its noise cutting through the deafening silence in your parked SUV. Then a knock came through the window, startling you. "Fuck!" you said out loud, clutching your chest.

It was your bodyguard. "Saeho!" you shouted at him sounding annoyed but it only muffled through the car door.

Taking a quick glance at your phone, you saw it was the devil you were just thinking about seconds ago. Instead of taking the call, you chose to open the window instead and talk to Saeho.

"What?" you snapped at him, also wondering how he found you so fast.

"You need to head back inside, Ma'am," he said in a stern voice, not liking the disappearing act you pulled.

You sighed and said, "I know. Just give me a break."

He watched you lean your head back on the headrest as you try to recollect yourself. The ringing of the phone just ended when it rang again with the same caller id. With a drag, you handed out the device to Saeho, but he just looked at it.

With another nudge of the phone in the air, he took it slowly from your hand.

"Sir," he answered as he put it by his ear.

There was a pause before Taehyung spoke up.

"Where is she?" he asked, his voice laced with darkness that even made a big man like Saeho gulp.

"She's safe, sir. We're in the basement parking. She's inside her car. She gave me her phone for me to answer," he explained.

"Get her back here. Now."

Then you heard the line cut off.

Saeho handed back the phone to you and pleaded for you to follow his boss' order. "Ma'am, this way, please," his voice having a more hint of emotion now as he snuck in his arm through the window to unlock your door.

With a huff, you alighted from the vehicle and passed him your purse.

Saeho followed your steps, taking an enough distance from you like he always does. You suddenly stopped from your tracks and faced him again.

"I can't really go back there this soon. I'm still annoyed," you wondered out loud, leaving the man in conflict. It really is indeed difficult to serve two masters at once. He didn't know what happened when he saw you rushing down the hall and it was not his place to ask why. But he was smart enough to deduce the reason behind your act.

He might not show it but he feels bad for you, but at the same time, he wants to keep his job. Taehyung pays him a handsome amount which sustains the needs of his wife and ailing child.

"We're in no hurry but we have to keep moving, Ma'am," he replied in compromise.

You turned around an walked towards the entrance at a much slower pace. He opened the door as you headed inside the elevator lobby and waited for a lift.

#

"She's tightly guarded, Sir. We can't find a window to execute the plan," the man spoke through the phone.

The news earned a sigh from the other line.

"Keep trying. It'll be more difficult to get to her once the ceremony's all over."

"Copy, sir," then the hired man ended the call.

Regardless, the receiver prepared himself for the worst, and that is having to do everything by himself.

"Useless bastards," he muttered under his breath.

It was two hours before midnight and they only had little time left to act on the situation. Once they miss this window of opportunity, they'd have to take matters to their own hands and it won't be a pretty sight.

There were still no progress from the team he sent. It was difficult to bypass the heiress' security. Although they blend well in the crowd, his men were trained enough to recognize the security team's tactic.

Namjoon wasn't the type to get his hands dirty. No matter what job that is.

J, negative

He then replied without hesitation,

Plan B

He threw the phone on the table with a thud after sending the text message.

#

When Jungkook received the order, he immediately left the hotel suite to pursue his target.

#

Saeho approached Taehyung cautiously and said, "Number unidentified, but I sent someone to follow through and extract information."

Taehyung's jaw tensed in response. "Why not grab one of them now?"

"We can't do that without grabbing much attention. Unless, that's fine with you, sir," Saeho replied. Taehyung's eyes were deeply set on you as you talk with your colleagues. He roamed his stare on their faces then to the people within your perimeter, then back to you. His eyes met yours.

Without breaking away from your gaze, he uttered, "I'll bring her back to her room. Keep me updated."

"Yes, sir."

Saeho then gave way to Taehyung as he strode the distance between you. From his cold demeanor, he flashed a warm smile to your colleagues, making them flustered.

You felt his hand slid around your waist. His hold was gentle yet firm.

"S-sir!" one of your colleagues managed to utter a greeting. Both men and women looked at your fiancé with admiration.

You casually introduced him to them. "This is Minho, Song, and Hyeji. My team in one of my projects. And you already know Jae."

Without further ado, Taehyung said, "Would you mind me taking my wife back? We need to head back early for tomorrow's wedding."

This made you take a step back but with his kind of hold, you were only able to put an unnoticeable distance from him. "Already?" you voiced out in protest.

"Sure!"

"Of course," your team replied in unison.

"You need to have a proper rest," Taehyung told you before flashing his swooning smile back to your colleagues.

"Thank you, excuse us."

You were still confused as he led you out of the banquet hall. You were stuck to his side until you could finally free yourself from his grip once you stepped in the lift.

"What's happening? Isn't it rude to just leave our own party? Like that?"

He's getting on your nerves and your annoyance is also starting to get the best of him. He thought the attitude was because he was 10 minutes late to your dinner.

Taehyung let out a sigh and faced you after pressing the floor button for your suite. "Charles will handle it. I just want you to get your rest."

Though that was just his excuse.

You crossed your arms in front of your chest, "If you were paying attention, I was still in the middle of a conversation with my team when you decided to have things your way. I didn't like that."

He tried his best to hide his sarcastic smile by looking down but you caught on. Your brow twitched in annoyance. His actions and the way he treats you makes you feel disrespected. No matter how much you want to cut ties with him, you need to know the tricks hidden up his sleeve.

Why would the news of merger suddenly brought harm to your family's life

Why the Kims, your supposed protector, are sweeping important facts under the rug

Why does your father trust them so much

Questions that you're sure would pile up as you try to uncover the truth. Despite that, you're determined to protect what's yours even though that means selling your soul to the devil.

You stared deep into his eyes.

"Fine. See you tomorrow at our wedding," you let out in a dismissive tone.

He sighed inwardly in relief as he watched the door slam right in front of him.

The room was dark as you entered. With a sigh, you blindly took off your accessories starting with the earrings.

You're getting married tomorrow and it's really happening. To an estranged childhood friend, a man you barely know, a lover of someone else. Red flags that were enough to stop someone from proceeding with the foolish ploy.

But this is for your family's sake.

The Kims are a possible threat you had to understand first.

On a flick of a light switch, you were startled to see a man standing in the middle of your suite. You almost squealed in shock but it got cut off when he approached you in a stride, stifling your voice.

Fear rose up in your chest and your imagination had gone haywire with the thought of why would be someone in here.

"Hush, I'm not here to harm you," he looked at you intently and you slowly start to associate a name on the man's face. It should have comforted you but it only added to your growing fear and confusion.

Jungkook?

He saw the recognition that flashed your eyes, then he continued in a much lower and hushed voice. "Promise me you won't scream, I just need to talk."

Your brows furrowed. What is Taehyung's friend doing in my room, surprising me like a murderer, in the middle of the night?

Just to know what the fuck is going on you nodded your head thrice, still breathing heavily, with your pulse racing.

Once his grip loosened, you immediately took a step back, holding your purse in front of you as if that was enough for a weapon to defend yourself.

"What are you do--" your loud and scandalous voice made him cover your mouth again. You didn't see how but he's now on your back, your body tightly pressed to his.

"Not so loud," his voice laced with irritation. It wanna made you scoff, you should be the one irritated in this situation, not him.

"Taehyung's not who you think he is," he murmured, hoping that will stop you from fighting him off.

You did your best to calm down to show him that you're ready to listen. Not that you don't know what he's talking about. You know who the true Taehyung is.

Jungkook loosened his hands on you once he thought he piqued your curiosity.

You turned to him, a little bit surprised at the very close distance he had put in between.

You looked up a bit to meet his eyes.

"I know who Taehyung is,"

You told him, full with pride.

He was about to speak when you cut him off, "So if you're here to warn me about his lover, you can leave. I've already decided," you told him and he seemed surprise at the news. It looked like that was not the thing he was pertaining about but you could care less.

This marriage is more than you and your feelings.

If being close to the threat will help save your family, then be it. If they're not and they're really trying to help, then better.

Jungkook raised his eyebrows in surprise, "You're truly whipped," he said in disbelief. Well that was not new to him. He knew Taehyung during his teenage years. He knew how he was or is with the ladies.

"I'm not. I-" you were about to spill some sensitive information but you luckily caught yourself.

No one else is supposed to know about this except you and your private investigator, Hoseok.

"Well that sucks but that was not just it, Princess," he informed, the title he used sounded like a mock.

"His family will use yours to get what they want. This might bring harm not only to your family, but to everyone."

#

Tilting your head to the side, "then this will be just another billion dollar venture for them," you stated after Jungkook told you what he could let you know... for now. He has yet to see for himself and the organization which side you're on. It was a huge gamble for them to involve you in this. If it were up to him, he would rather not involve a socialite like you. The type that Taehyung lures in and break. But to Namjoon, you were different.

He silently strode to the door and looked into the peephole to see if there are guards. "How did you get in here anyway?" you asked him, as you were sidetracked from his movement.

"The balcony," he stated as he walked back. "They'll eventually monopolize the IT industry. All the servers, engines, systems, running in this country will be under their control. Just masked in different names."

"We traced that 65% of the sector belonged to their family already. Indirectly,"

"and if this will go out of hand, there will be irreversible repercussions." he finished as he stood before you, meeting your gaze intently.

You walked around the living area of the hotel suite, settling on the couch. "I didn't know they had that slice too," you blurted out as you went in deep thought. The Kims are involved in a lot of ventures. May it be in security services and systems, management consultancy, logistics, and others. But so is your family. Well your mother's side to be specific. With it being more prominent in hospitality and airline industry.

You traced back your gaze to the intruder.

"Regardless, that's none of my business, Jungkook. The world is what it is." you told him.

And he knew.

A privileged woman like you won't understand it. Because the system fits well for you that you became a part of it.

His jaw almost twitched in disgust, but he managed to mask it off with a smirk. "Your family will be their puppet. You will bear the damages once things fall out of place,"

"Then I'll make sure it won't," you replied, looking at him straight in the eyes.

Taking a deep breath, you suggested, "I could pretend this didn't happen. I'll let you slip back where you came from without sending a distress call to my security next door." then you took out a black device out of your purse, lifting off its switch. Then you placed your thumb on top of it, ready to press it in any second.

He let out a chuckle. "You'll be lying dead on the floor before they arrive here, don't underestimate me."

You let out a sweet smile and shook your head. "I'm not. I know you're very capable of that seeing how you managed to get here," then you unceremoniously pressed the device which made made him jump to his feet and briskly left, leaving the glass door open. All the while making sure that you know how pissed he is and he's not yet done with you. If eyes could kill.

Saeho barged in right after a beep. "Ma'am," he let out. When you seemed fine, his eyes scanned the room immediately, looking for any threats.

With your gaze on the glass door, he jogged onto it seeing that it was ajar.

You stood up and headed into the bedroom. "Please close it. It's getting cold," you calmly ordered as you closed the bedroom door shut.

[kuramirocket]

Sonia Gutierrez dreamed of returning to her hometown of Denver as a television reporter for the city's defining news station: KUSA 9News. When she finally achieved it, however, it came at too steep a cost, she says.

Gutierrez says she was told that she could report on immigration, an issue about which she cares deeply, but only if she were to state her own immigration status on air in every story on the subject.

"I was put in a box simply for who I am," Gutierrez says.

She had never tried to hide that her parents had brought her as a baby from Mexico without documentation. But Gutierrez, 30, says she balked at the station's directive. She was told she could continue pitching stories about immigration, but, she says, she was asked to pass off her ideas and sources to other reporters.

Gutierrez is no longer with KUSA. Nor are two other Latina reporters. One had pushed editors to involve Black and Latino colleagues in more decisions about news coverage. The other's contract was not renewed five months after she had returned after having a stroke. She, too, had challenged station leaders on how they cover issues affecting Latinos in Colorado.

Over the course of a year, from March 2020 to March 2021, KUSA allowed each of the women's contracts to lapse without renewal, the way television stations typically part with their journalists.

"It is racist to require a Latino reporter, a Hispanic reporter, to disclose their own immigration status [to viewers] before reporting on immigration," says Julio-César Chávez, the vice president of National Association of Hispanic Journalists.

The outcry has focused an unwanted glare on Tegna, one of the nation's largest and most prominent owners of local television stations, just as the company faces claims of racial bias from a dissident investor.

"9News is the market leader in Denver and has been for decades," KUSA news director Megan Jurgemeyer says, "Having worked at another station in town, it was always viewed as the top competition and who we wanted to beat."

9News is unusually woven into the fabric of its parent company. Tegna's CEO Dave Lougee used to be the station's news director. KUSA's general manager, Mark Cornetta, is also the executive vice president of Tegna Media, the company's local television division. And Patti Dennis, a Tegna vice president and director of recruitment, is herself a former KUSA news director who still works out of the station's main building in Denver. All three are white, as are Jurgemeyer and Ryan.

Parent company faces its own issues with race

Tegna faces its own allegations of racial bias. An activist hedge fund, Standard General LP, recently nominated rival directors, saying it wanted to diversify the company's largely white board. 

In an April federal securities filing, Standard General accused Tegna of racist practices stretching back years.

In 2019, a sports anchor at the company's Phoenix station accused its general manager — recently promoted from a job as KUSA's sales manager — of making "loud and unwelcome racist and sexist comments about coworkers" at a baseball game, in a civil complaint reviewed by NPR

Jamie Torres, a Denver city council member, was among the Latina state and local public officials who met twice with KUSA executives following the dismissal of the three journalists. She says the meetings left her unconvinced that there would be real progress beyond some changes in language and style.

"The conversation felt just incredibly transactional," Torres says.

And it renewed long-held frustrations: Torres says the three Latina journalists had been hired after an earlier round of discussions between the station and Denver-area Latino officials about representation at KUSA.

"Why Don't You Pitch It To Telemundo?"

While in college, Gutierrez interned at the local affiliate of the Spanish-language network Telemundo. Back then, it was housed inside KUSA's headquarters. Though owned by Tegna, KUSA is an affiliate of NBC, and Telemundo is part of NBC's parent company, Comcast.

As Gutierrez rose at Telemundo Denver, she also pitched stories to KUSA.

She says she often heard back: "That's a great story idea, why don't you pitch it to Telemundo?" Her response: KUSA also needed to serve Latino families — the ones who speak English.

"After a while, when stories wouldn't get picked up, I would just take it upon myself to do the interviews, write up a little [script] and give it to the anchors and say, 'It's done.' To the producers, 'It's done. You want it or not?' " Gutierrez says it was easier to hand off the idea fully baked.

After a stint at a station in Columbia, S.C., Gutierrez returned to KUSA as a reporter. She says KUSA leaders told her that she could be a defining person for the station, someone who would thrive there. By her telling, Gutierrez ignored the little slights that accreted.

Then, Gutierrez says, she was told she had to disclose that she had been a DREAMer, protected from deportation through the Obama-era policy called Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals, or DACA, before she became a legal permanent resident through marriage. She didn't see why viewers needed to be told that in each of her immigration reports.

Gutierrez says she received no response when she asked for concrete examples of how her status had compromised her reporting. And when she refused to go along, Gutierrez says, she was told she would have to pass her story ideas and sources on immigration to other reporters.

"It's not like there was something wrong with me or my reporting," says Gutierrez, who left last year. "There was just something wrong with who I was — a liability to them."

Allegations of unfulfilled promises

Aguirre, 34, a Mexican-American who grew up near Midway Airport on the South Side of Chicago, says she had been inspired to become a journalist to tell stories about Latinos that were not simply about crime and immigration.

She came to Denver after being an anchor at a smaller station in Flint, Mich. 

Aguirre says she believed her pursuit of community-driven news brought value.

"I can tell a story in a much different way than a female white reporter can because I lived it. I know the questions to ask," Aguirre says.

In April 2019, Aguirre suffered a stroke that resulted in a traumatic brain injury and paralyzed her on her left side; as she built back strength and returned in the fall.

After roughly six months, as new newsroom leaders rotated in she did not return to the anchor's chair. Aguirre alleges in a formal amended complaint she filed with the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission earlier this year.

Aguirre left the station in March 2020. Her attorney, Iris Halpern, says the complaint is currently in mediation.

"Because they're KUSA, they can just get somebody else," Aguirre says. "They can get another Latino who fills that Brown category, who's cheaper, younger, greener and more afraid to ask any questions. Although I was recovering [from the stroke], I was still that woman who would push back. So I'd be in those meetings and I would ask 'Why?' "

"I was instructed not to wear my hair in a bun"

After two years as a reporter in Bakersfield, Calif., Lori Lizarraga says, she was told by 9News that she would be an asset and she joined the station. 

Lizarraga, whose mother was born in Ecuador and whose father is first generation Mexican-American, remembers saying, "'My voice will never track this [the word illegal] slew of words." She says she ended up shying away from stories involving immigration.

Lizarraga recalls even having her hairstyles vetoed. She wrote in Westword, "After six months, I was instructed not to wear my hair in a bun with a middle part anymore — a style I have seen and worn as a Mexican and Ecuadorian woman all my life. Not a good look, I was told."

"We Would Have Had Reporters On Every Corner"

Lizarraga, who left in March, says she hit an inflection point early last year. Colorado state regulators had just announced a record fine against a Canadian energy giant whose plant had been polluting nearby neighborhoods for years. She read up on it as she raced with a colleague in the official KUSA 9News van to the press conference.

"Ash was falling from the sky onto people's cars and yards and playgrounds," Lizarraga recalls. "Water was impacted."

She was struck by something else: The communities affected were heavily Latino. Yet, she says, state regulators had not consulted with those communities or even put out information in Spanish. And back in the newsroom, she says, producers focused solely on the size of the fine — potentially up to $9 million.

"I was very upset and I said, 'You know, if this were a community in a ZIP code just up the street with a different demographic, we would have had reporters on every corner ' " to interview residents, Lizarraga says. "And because this is a Spanish-speaking, low-income, largely immigrant community, we don't have an interest. We are choosing what is newsworthy based on what you care to talk about, not what is actually newsworthy."

"We have to confront management"

At KUSA, Lizarraga says supervisors resented her for demanding that African American colleagues be consulted on coverage about Floyd's murder and the protests. She thought they had a right to weigh in on questions such as: How much of the video of Floyd's death should be shown? When and if the word "riot" was appropriate? How much coverage should there be of police tactics?

Lizarraga says she rallied colleagues of color to object when the station decided to stage a town hall meeting on race and equity hosted solely by a white anchor. Instead of channeling that fervor, Lizarraga says, it was largely deflected.

"We can't be exhausted, we can't be scared," Lizarraga recalled telling colleagues. "We have to confront management and tell them that we have ideas and that we deserve a spotlight right now."

Meanwhile, she says, she was not recognized for the initiative she showed, such as the data-driven pieces that officials and advocates said (in text messages reviewed by NPR) served as a road map for government agencies seeking to arrange COVID-19 testing in heavily affected Black and Latino neighborhoods.

Life after KUSA 9News

Gutierrez now works across town at Rocky Mountain PBS. Aguirre is a local news anchor and reporter in Asheville, N.C., part of a television market that is about half the size of that of Denver.

Lizarraga returned to her family home in Dallas. In late March, she published her allegations against KUSA in Westword. "What Lori Lizarraga did took a lot of courage and bravery," the NAHJ's Chávez says, singling out Gutierrez and Aguirre for praise as well. "Journalism is an industry where a lot of people are mistreated, a lot of employees are mistreated, and discriminated against, and then people simply go quiet.

"For Lori to actually tell the world how bad the situation was, how bad she was being treated and how racist some of the management policies were, that takes real courage. She put her entire career in jeopardy."

In October, the Colorado ACLU will honor the three women for "fighting discrimination in the newsroom."

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #324

“i'll sharpen my knife upon the stone made from the ruin of a dead god's throne  /  listen to these words as my seeds are sown: it's time to amputate the infected zone”

What is the last game you played on your phone? Pokemon GO. Do you give people personalized ringtones? No. Does your phone screen have any cracks? No. What makeup products are you wearing, if any? None. How would you describe your skin tone? Very pale. Do you have your full birth name on Facebook? Yes. What is your least favorite fruit? Probably cherries. How often do you walk around barefoot? Whenever I'm in my house or another person's who prefers shoes off inside. Would you need to sleep with someone before considering marrying them? Nah. Do you think people look up to you? No. How often do you have trouble sleeping at night? Every night. Do you ever rehearse conversations before you have them? YEP. In my head, at least. Can you name five current world leaders? No, haha... When taking a cab, do you talk to the driver? Cabs aren't really a thing here. I've never been in one. Do you always read the book before you see a movie based on a book? No. What is your favorite urban legend? The Jersey Devil. Mothman is dope and super creepy, too. I love cryptids, period. Are you an elitist (even a little bit) when it comes to anything? What? No, because I hate people like that so much. What type of fabric is most comfortable for clothing? I dunno, I don't pay attention to this. If you wear one – bras with or without a wire? With, so long as they're not poking out and stabbing you... If you wear one – are you able to find cute bras in your size? Definitely not. What length do you like your shorts to be? You'd have to pay me some big bucks to see me in shorts, period. Have you ever cut off jeans or other pants and made them into shorts? No. Have you cut the sleeves out of T-shirts to make tank tops? I don't think so, no. What was the last disappointing movie you saw? *shrug* What was the last disappointing book you read? Even bigger *shrug*. Do you ever watch compilation videos? Of what? Rarely, but if I do, they're generally old Vines and stuff. What was the last thing you rolled your eyes about? Probably something stupid on Facebook. Do you like Hellboy? If so, do you prefer the old movies or the new one? I have no thoughts on this. Favorite Disney character who isn’t royalty? Dory! Do you have a lot of people whom you don’t talk to all the time or see all the time, but still consider to be your friends? Yeah, like friends from high school and online childhood ones. Do you typically do your make up the same each time? Or do you like to change it up often? It's just about always the same. Do you enjoy making surveys as well as taking them or do you just prefer to copy, paste, fill out, post? The latter. I don't make surveys. Have you got a significant other? How are things between the two of you? If not, what was your most meaningful/long term relationship and how did that come to an end? I don't. My longest and deepest relationship was with Jason, and he ended it when my depression became too much for him to handle. Have you spent much time in a vehicle lately? What for and where have you gone most this past month? No. I've barely left the house lately for obvious reasons. Has it rained yet this year where you live? How about hailed? It's been raining like crazy lately. A few mornings ago, it also hailed very heavily for a few minutes. What is your favorite thing about Mac computers? I like the sleek, clean look of them. What is your favorite thing about PCs? They have more power for playing games. What are some errands you need to run soon? None. Well, we have a Wal-Mart order to pick up I think tomorrow, and I'll probably ride with Mom. What color was your high school graduation gown? Red. It was between that and navy, and I was really hoping for the latter, but it lost the vote. The red was so obnoxious. How many graduation gowns have you worn? One. Are your parents’ dreams for your life different than your own? I don't think they have their own specific "dreams" for my life. They both want me to create my own future that makes me happy. Have your dreams for your life changed? Definitely, over all the years. Would you ever want to learn sign language? Not especially, but it'd be cool I suppose. What’s the last thing you had for dinner? Chicken tenders, I think? Or was that the night before? Have you ever performed a solo dance in front of a crowd? No, but I almost did. At my old dance studio, the high school seniors had the option to a solo, and I was working on one to "Coma White" by Marilyn Manson, because it was and still is a song I really feel in regards to my mental health and many medications I "have" to be on. I was doing fine, but I stopped when I realized I just really was too nervous as a dance competition approached. Have you ever sung a solo? No. What was the last job you had? Deli worker. For two hours. What was your first job? Sales associate at GameStop. Who was/were your favorite coworker(s)? I never really had one. At what age did you start experiencing sexual attraction, if any? I don't know. Probably my freshman year of high school is when my levels of attraction to people reached a sexual and not just romantic level. Have you ever split open a rock with a hammer, to see a geode inside? UGH no, but I so wanna find one of those one day. What states have you lived in? Only North Carolina. S.O.S., get me outta here. What is your favorite thing about the month in which it is now? You start to see some flowers blooming. Who were your best friends in high school? I had a decent group of close friends, but I was closest to Hannia. I wish I still had contact with her. ^Are they still your best friends now? No. She deleted me off Facebook at some point. Do you live near the mountains? No; they're on the western end of the state, and I live on the opposite side. Do you live near a beach? It's about two hours away. What is your favorite beach that you’ve been to? I don't have a fave. Do you collect seashells? Nah, but I like picking them up and looking at them. My sisters and I used to collect them, though. We have a plastic container of them somewhere. If you were to start a new collection, what would it be? I desperately want a cornucopia of Markiplier merch, sobs. Is there a certain place or store you especially hate going to? I don't like going to most stores, really. I'm an online shopper. When was the last time you made plans with someone? October of last year. How long do leftovers usually sit in your fridge? Depends on the food. They tend to stay in there a bit too long, though. What is something you do for other people that shows you care for them? Offer to listen to them and always be a source of support and love. What was the last animal/pet that you met? Kinda recently, someone in our neighborhood was walking their German shepherd, and Mom chatted with the lady for a bit while I listened. Is there anyone in your life with whom your opinion changes on frequently? No. Have you ever kept a journal? Do you currently keep one? Yes, on-and-off during multiple periods of my life. These surveys are like my journals now. Is there a certain song or band who remind you of specific people? Yep. Motionless In White and Black Veil Brides, Jason. Pink Floyd and Evanescence, Sara. Metallica, Mom. Van Halen, Dad. Etc., etc. How often do you style your hair differently from how you normally style it? Never. Have you ever found out that you have been sleep walking? No, I never have. What’s the last thing you promised yourself? I don't know about promised. I take those so seriously, even to myself, that I hesitate to make them. Have you ever tried making something from one of those short cooking videos? How did it turn out? No, but my friend once tried making that "muffin in a cup" thing and it was absolutely horrid. Very eggy. When was the last time you had to wait in line for longer than a few minutes? Good question. Going into places is so rare nowadays, so it's hard to encounter this issue. Well wait, maybe at a fast food place? Idr. Have you ever written a review for a product you bought online? No, but I should do that once I actually use my own money to buy from small businesses in particular... if I had something good to say, anyway. I'd feel bad trash-talking a product. Do you ever interact with any brands/companies online? No. Is there anything you seem especially sensitive to, such as sounds, smells, etc? Smells, yes. What was the last thing you had the urge to do? Read, even though I didn't do it. .-. Is there anyone you feel that takes you for granted? No. Do you ever read the comments on social media posts? Sometimes, particularly if I have strong feelings about something. What was the last “good” thing to happen to you? My PHP therapist felt confident enough in my progress to step me down to three sessions a week versus every weekday. Last awkward situation you were in? Thankfully it was a one-on-one session, but the same aforementioned therapist was asking me questions that really stumped me, so I kept going very quiet as I thought and felt awkward and dumb. He's brilliant at his job. Think of the last time you were sick – what were you sick with? I think the last issue I had that qualifies as "sick" was a double ear infection from Hell itself. That was like two years ago. How do you think your life would change without social media? I'd be incredibly bored, but I, among I think most others, would be more positive and have a more realistic outlook on life. Social media highlights the best times in our life, and I do feel that that has had a negative effect on pretty much everyone. I don't at all believe social media is bad in essence, though. It's a wonderful way to stay connected. What was the last thing you wanted to buy, but couldn’t afford? I can't afford a new terrarium for Venus for probably a while, being without a job and all... How do you get your news? Facebook, haha. How often do you drive? Never, right now. My permit is long expired, and my vision isn't up to par to renew it. If you had to go (back) to school and completely change your career path, what would you choose to study/pursue? I guess biology? Are there any TV shows you constantly quote or know almost every line to? No. What do you think about lizards? I adore lizards; they're all so cute, big or small, and truly little dinosaurs. They're beautiful and so vast in appearances and behavior. Is there anything that people assume about you that isn’t true, and that you find very irritating? Not that I find irritating, no. How would you rate your “detective” skills? Uh, what am I "detecting?" I'm pretty good at digging online if I'm really hunting something down, I guess. Have you ever done consumer testing (testing products before they come out on the market)? If not, would you ever want to? No; I wouldn't be opposed, depending on the product. Have you ever received anesthesia or morphine? Both. The one time (I'm aware of) where I had morphine oddly enough did jack-all, though. If you had to choose which video game to be in, which would it be? Hmmm. Maybe like, Shadow of the Colossus, living in the beautiful garden on the top of the shrine? With the deer, the birds, fruit, just its general beauty... That would be awesome, especially with one other person, especially an s/o. Just the two of us in a gorgeous land. Between the two, would you rather live in a place where it’s only night or where it’s only day? Only day, I suppose. Vitamin D is very important, for one thing, and it always being dark would definitely affect my depression. And what about the flowers blooming and being able to take pictures? :( Sleep would still be possible by just closing your shades and stuff. Is there anyone that makes your skin crawl? Maggots, bot flies, parasites, patterns of small holes, etc. Do you like it when people are affectionate with you? Yes. If we're at least friends, anyway. I'm a very affectionate person. Have the past few days been bad, good, or neutral? They've been pretty all right. If you had to be an actor/actress in a movie, what genre of the movie would you be best at? Probably as an insane villain in a superhero movie or something. Are people more likely to tell you to tone it down or to speak up? Speak up. I'm a mumbler. I can be too loud sometimes too, though, particularly when I'm excited. What’s the last thing that you procrastinated? Now. Emerson's birthday was last month and I still haven't touched her pictures... Out of fire, earth, water, wind, light, and dark, which element appeals the most to you? Dark. What’s your favorite color on a vehicle? Burnt orange, pink. The last pain that you experienced, was it physical or emotional? Physical. What was one of your favorite songs as kid? I liked lots of pop songs. When’s the last time you tried to get revenge, if ever? Never. It's not something I chase after. Do you like Taylor Swift? No. What’s your favorite Disney Channel movie? The Haunted Mansion, I think. That's a Disney movie, isn't it? If you met your favorite celebrity, would you be calm or star struck? I'd be a deer in headlights, stuttering and stammering over ways to thank him and crying like a bitch. I'd be super embarrassed, but I absolutely hope I get to meet him one day. Do you ever have to do yard work? No. Is your school close to your house? I'm no longer in school. Do you have any live versions of songs in your music software? Yes. Did/do you listen to Britney Spears songs? Yeah, I like her. What shorthand do you use the most? Probably "lmao." What album is the current song you’re listening to off of? METAWAR. In your opinion, what song is the most overplayed right now? I wouldn't know; I don't listen to the radio. Are you in a band? No. When I started high school though, I wished I could be a guitarist in one. That's one reason I started taking lessons, haha. Does your favorite band have a male or female lead singer? Male. Have you ever been to a Broadway show? No. Do you prefer group or individual work? Individual, by a long shot. I work much better alone. Could you ever complete a 500-piece puzzle? I think I have before. I used to love puzzles. When was the last time you rode in a limo? Damn son, never; what could possibly give you the idea I could afford to ever do THAT????? Do you take naps daily? Almost every day, yes. Do you still make Christmas lists? Yeah, because I'm asked to. Do you watch the show Dexter? Never seen it, no. Are you currently using a blanket? Yes. My feet are cold. How long is the song you’re listening to? 4:06. Is your mom or dad the older parent? Mom, but only by a year. Did you ever listen to Avril Lavigne when you were younger? Who didn't? I still listen to a couple songs. When was the last time you changed a light bulb? Not all that long ago when Venus' lamp bulb died. How often do you clean your car out? I don't have my own car. Did you ever buy NOW ("Now That’s What I Call Music") CDs? My older sister did, yes. What color (mainly) is your computer? It's black. What is in the back seat of your car right now? In Mom's car, idk. But there's usually some stuff back there. What is your favorite episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S.? Never watched it. Last person’s house you were in? Besides my own, my older sister's. Who is the last person you sent a message to on Facebook? My friend Chelsea. We were catching up. Were you an honor roll student in school? Yes. Do you have a tan? HA. Are you someone’s best friend? Yes. <3 What do you think of when you think of Australia? Huntsmen spiders. *shudders* Favorite gemstone? Of the basic ones, rubies. If we're talking of all of them, even the obscure, then dragon's breath opal. I'd LOVE to have a ring of one of those. Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? Almost always the drive-thru. What color is your mom’s hair? It's all gray now. Does your first memory involve your dad? No. Biggest annoyance in your life right this minute? My social anxiety. Do you like watching a bonfire? Yeah. Fire is mesmerizing. Do you ever get flu shots? No, but I really should. Once the Covid vaccine is accessible to all though, I'm getting it for the protection of my immunocompromised mother.

[justjessame]

Double Shot Chapter 22

Clay and I did NOT sleep on the island in the kitchen. First of all, I was hungry. For real food, not just Clay based nutrition, no matter how filling he was. And secondly, while the island was an amazing spot for a pounding sexual encounter, it wasn’t exactly comfortable. Even with Clay acting as a mattress for me, it was going to make both of us sore in all the wrong ways.

Dinner in my apartment, that I cooked from scratch, followed by a LONG hot bath was on our menu before bed. As I lay with my back against his chest in the warm water, I felt far calmer than I had all day. It’s not everyday a woman learns that the business she’s managed for years is actually HER business. And the house. That fucking house. I was tempted, heavily, to call a realtor first thing in the morning and list the damn thing.

“You have some decisions to make, Char.” Clay’s chin was propped on the top of my head and his arms were wrapped around me, holding me against him.

“I do?” I did, but I was curious as to what he thought they were.

He hummed his affirmation. “Now that you’re not just the manager of the shop, you could delegate more.” I could, and it wasn’t something I had even thought about. “I’m not saying you have to, but you could.” He was right, I could give someone the dreaded Wednesday inventory and ordering. I could hand off the day to day and focus on baking or find another hobby. Who knew, maybe I could give someone else purpose like managing The Little Drip had given me one.

“What would I do with all that extra time?” I smiled as his fingers slid down my arms and moved lower, giving me ample promise for a new focus for my extra time.

Dried and lying in my bed, an early bedtime for once, I sighed. While I knew Clay’s theory about the coffee shop was a good one, I still had to deal with the house. That house. The one that loomed dark in my childhood memories. The one where my parents had lived together with me for the first five years of my life. The one where my father broke my mother’s will to live. The one where she killed herself.

“What’s wrong?” Clay’s voice, the tones of it I was learning intimately, took on the softness that came as he was allowing himself to grow prepared for sleep.

“I’m thinking about the house,” I felt his nod, so I went on. “I haven’t been back since-” he hummed when I stopped, letting me know he understood. “Knee jerk reaction is to sell it, sight unseen, just call up a realtor tomorrow and get rid of it.”

“But?” His voice was still soft, but I knew his training meant he was fully awake.

I tried to explain why the urge was high, but something was holding me back. “I don’t think I can explain why I don’t do it. Just cut ties and let go.” I strained, why was this so difficult for me?

“I’m sure, Char, that you had moments of happiness there. It wasn’t all-” he stopped, using his finger to tilt my chin up so our eyes met in the dim light of the streetlamps through my lace curtains. “Before he left, when you and your mom spent time playing together,” a memory of a tea party in my playroom, my mom sitting across from me with a smile lighting up her face as we had real tea and sandwiches on the tiny porcelain set at a small table and chairs came to me. “Or when you read together,” bedtime, propped up against her side while she read through one of the many books she read to me nightly. “Even when you were older, after he left, didn’t you have moments that weren’t tinged by it?” My birthdays, with Davey and George pushing my mom from her shell of pain, with Carrie and her mom helping her forget for a tiny speck of time that her pain wasn’t everything. Reminding her that she had me, even if I escaped the house and her as often as I could, and how when everyone left, the two of us tried so desperately to keep that feeling going, only to lose the fight as soon as morning dawned.

“They aren’t all bad memories, Clay, but the bad are pretty damn miserable.” My father looking at my mother and me as though we were beneath him. The fact that I couldn’t think of one pleasant memory that included the three of us, not even holidays, since those included Davey and George and they barely counted. Walter would sequester himself in a separate room. He’d open presents, but then slink off on his own. He didn’t coddle me, or cuddle me, I wasn’t sure I even had a standard fresh from the womb picture of him holding me. I sighed, burying my face in his shoulder and breathing him in because even after a bath using my soap and shampoo, Clay managed to still smell exactly like Clay.

“Will you take me to see it?” I tried hard not to tense up at the thought of going back inside the house. “We can drive past if you want, we don’t have to go inside.” I considered it, realizing that tucking it all the way out of my mind didn’t appear to solve anything.

“We can go, inside too, if you want to.” My voice muffled against his skin, but I knew he heard me. I kissed his shoulder, smiling against his skin. “I think I can face anything with you beside me.”

Geroge was waiting for us the next morning in the kitchen, eyes twinkling at our appearance and our linked fingers. Clay had his breakfast upstairs and would probably last through the day without needing a repeat on the island, but he did beg off from gopher duties. Kissing me as if we didn’t have an avid audience, he said his goodbyes, and George offered to walk him to the door so he could grab us drinks and I could get started.

As we baked, George asked me how I was handling what Davey and he had told me about the day before. I’d always been honest with my uncles, talking to them about any concerns I had or any questions that came to me about things in my life was natural somehow. This was no different, with the tiny exception of who Clay and his associates were. I wasn’t entirely sure how to broach the subject of my being involved with a man who was, at least on paperwork, dead.

“Clay wants to see the house,” I told him after I explained my conundrum over what to do with the property. “He told me we could just drive past, if I didn’t want to go in.”

“He seems-” when he paused I looked up from where I was forming dough to see his puzzlement over what he wanted to say. “Nice is a little too tame for a man like Clay, isn’t it?”

My smirk answered him and I went back to forming pastries, thinking to myself that nice didn’t nearly cover Clay at all.

Once we had the display cases filled, George and I each took a sweet treat and sat at a table near the counter. As we ate, and settled in for the day, he asked me if I was planning on changing anything about The Little Drip now that I had full reign.

“I still want to be here most days,” I offered between bites. “But I think I’d like to promote one of the baristas to manager, at least to get inventory and ordering off my chore list.” George chuckled, knowing that was the one duty I appreciated least. “Managing this shop, it saved me,” my uncle’s eyes met mine. “Gave me a purpose, and I think I want to pass that along.”

“That’s my girl,” he said, a smile bright on his face. “We wanted to tell you sooner, we did, but-” he sighed, and looked toward the windows facing the street. “Walter is a snake and a weasel, we had to make sure that you were strong enough to stand up to him.”

“And I am?” My head was tilted when he faced me again. His smile told me more than words ever could. “Of course I am, I was raised by two of the strongest men I know.” I reached out my hand and he took it easily. “I love you two, you know?”

“We do,” he answered, for him and Davey. “We love you so much, Char, so damn much. I always thought-” he stopped, seeming to think better of what he was going to say.

“What?” I squeezed his fingers, wanting to know what he thought. “Tell me, G.”

“I always thought, it was almost like you were born to be ours.” He looked conflicted, and I understood. He never wanted my mom to die, but having me in their lives, as a daughter as opposed to just a niece felt right. I’d felt it too.

“I always thought I was yours.” Blinking back tears, I smiled. “I feel so guilty for what happened to her, George, so fucking guilty that I couldn’t be enough, that I ran from her.”

He shushed me, standing and pulling me into his arms. “No, Char, that wasn’t your fault. You were so young and she was so broken, sweetheart. She needed peace, and she found it in the only way she could.” I managed to regain my composure as I listened to my uncle tell me how he saw my mother’s suicide. “She knew that we loved you so much, that we took good care of you, and she knew she could go and you’d be safe and loved.” And she’d been right, if that was her goal, it had worked. “Are you sure you want to go to the house? Even with Clay-”

“With Clay I can face anything,” my conviction was growing in that belief, firmer and surer by the moment. “He’ll know if it’s too much, or he’ll listen when I tell him it is at least.”

George left after Keli showed up. She was far more mellow than she had been, the snark still alive and well, but she seemed to know that I’d listened to her and HEARD her. She and George exchanged pleasantries and it came to me. If Keli was doing paperwork, inventory, and ordering, she wouldn’t be in close contact with the customers. If Keli wasn’t in close contact with the customers, maybe the rates of my insurance wouldn’t skyrocket because I felt pretty certain that she might end up biting someone. Matt or Alex Xavier were at the top of the list for potential victims.

As we worked to get the shop ready to truly open, I broached the subject with her by first breaking the news that I was the owner.

“Of course you are,” she rolled her eyes. “Not even two flaky fairies like George and Davey would just toss someone your age the keys to this place and wander off to frolic in the sand in Florida.”

“You couldn’t have tossed me a clue?” I asked, mouth quirked. “Damn, Keli, now I’m wondering if offering you the management position is really a good idea? I mean I’d want a manager that keeps my dumb ass in the loop.”

She’d gone completely still with her back to me. “Manager?” Her voice was barely a breath and I almost took it back and said I was joking in case she was pissed that I’d offer it to her, with her family’s plans to relocate and all.

Before I could she turned to face me and I was shocked to see a smile on her face. I’d seen many expressions grace Keli’s face since I hired her, a smile was not one of them. Yes, I do realize that hiring a woman who didn’t smile often for a customer service job didn’t sound smart, but she was capable, had a memory like a fucking steel trap, and she was efficient as hell.

“It would come with a raise in pay,” I continued, confident she wouldn’t throw a bag of coffee beans at my head now. “Of course it would also come with more duties.”

“Such as?” As we finished up the opening prep work, I went over what duties I planned on turning over to her. “Done.” And with that, Keli became The Little Drip’s manager. Or would once I had an employee meeting to make it official.

“I’ll tell everyone as they come in, but I think we should have a meeting to make it official.” She nodded, walking to the door to flip the sign. “Not here though. Let’s do it at Enzo’s. Make it a celebration and a meeting. You can bring Stacy and Jason, the others can bring their significant others and family.”

“You gonna bring Clay?” I felt my mouth drop open at her use of his fucking name. “What? Just because I don’t use their names, doesn’t mean I don’t KNOW their names.” She rolled her eyes, but her smile held. “I like the idea. We don’t really social much outside of the shop, why not?”

And that’s how, in the course of two days, I became the recognized owner of The Little Drip and Keli was promoted to manager. And somehow that was the normal part of my week...

[moretreasurewithinarchive]

Meta; Susan and Lucy Pevensie

"Now the pale morning sings of forgotten things She plays a tune for those who wish to overlook The fact that they've been blindly deceived By those who preach and pray and teach But she falls short and the night explodes in laughter But don't you come here and say I didn't warn you About the way your world can alter And oh how you try to command it all still Every single time it all shifts one way or the other... And I'm a goddamn coward, but then again so are you And the lion's roar, the lion's roar Has me evading and hollering for you And I never really knew what to do... Well I guess sometimes I wish you were a little more predictable That I could read you just like a book For now I can only guess what's coming next By examining your timid smile And the way the old, old wind's blowing you back 'round... And I'm a goddamn fool, but then again so are you And the lion's roar, the lion's roar Has me seeking out and searching for you And I never really knew what to do... Sometimes I wish I could find my Rosemary Hill I'd sit there and look at the deserted lakes and I'd sing And every once in a while I'd sing a song for you That would rise above the mountains and the stars and the sea And if I wanted it to it would lead you back to me And the lion's roar, the lion's roar Is something that I have heard before A children's tale, the lonesome wail of a lion's roar..."

From the first time that I heard The Lion's Roar by First Aid Kit, I always heavily associated it with Narnia. More specifically, with Lucy Pevensie. But lately, I've really been seeing so much of Susan Pevensie in it. And I wanted to break down verse by verse the song's meaning to them both.

First, Lucy. Now, while for sure a longing for Narnia, I see this more as a longing for Susan from Lu's perspective. In the first verse, she feels like Susan has lost her way; the only agreement she'd have with the others that she's fallen to the more worldly side of life. Lucy sees this, and feels deep down that that isn't Susan. She knows her sister and how Su hates games and vanity. However, her attempts to help only backfire. She tries to warn Su that she'll be miserable living like that, but Susan doesn't see it that way.

In the second verse, Lucy acknowledges that Susan thinks she's childish for clinging to faith and "remembering childhood games" instead of forging her own path. But, on the other hand, she feels Su is also childish for lying and turning from who she really is. Furthermore, Lu wants her sister back and she can tell that Susan is slipping away from her.

In the third verse, Lu wishes that she knew why Su wasn't able to find the comfort that she did after being exiled from Narnian for the last time. She tries with all her being to understand. She truly does, but she's never able to. This only further pulls them apart because they can't reach a common ground, and they always end up trying to make the other see things their own way.

In the fourth verse, Lu feels like Susan thinks her foolish for her continued faith. And while that may be so, Lucy considers her foolish for acting like she knows everything and that she's better than them for having moved past Narnia. Still, she tries to reach out and reconnect, but can't get to her sister.

In the fifth and final verse, Lucy wishes that they could go back to Narnia, if for no other reason than to have all 4 of their relationships back. It was when they were all the best. When they were closest. But, of course, that's impossible. So she tries to bring Susan back to them, but even Lu knows that that is up to Su, not her. Yet, the undeniable fact is that none of it's the same without her.

Now for Susan. In the first verse, it's the most plain that she feels Lucy and the boys were lied to, and Aslan was the liar. And she feels like she tried to warn her sister and brothers that they couldn't trust him only for them to not listen. Though, every time Su tries to take control of her life, it's stolen away and she loses everything that matters to her. Alternatively, when she lets herself remember Narnia and her faith, she feels like that too was stolen from her. She attempts to warn herself and stop the memories, but can't help it.

In the second verse, Su remembers how Aslan said she listened to fear, essentially, in her mind, calling her a coward. And she feels that he was too for never being honest with them; using manipulation and empty promises to keep them hanging on, to get them to do what he wanted them to. Even the memory of his roar leaves her screaming for help, but it never comes.

In the third verse, Susan wishes she could understand both Aslan and Lucy, but no matter how she tries, all she can do is guess. It only keeps the cycle going, and makes her anger and resentment grow.

In the fourth verse, Su feels that she might be a fool, but so are Aslan and the others for underestimating her. She's able to find a life without him, and she knows that the lion hates that he can no longer claim a hold over her. She may have found a way to cope, but there's no meaning. She wants, needs, that meaning for all her suffering. But she never finds it. And though she refused to buy into everything happening for a reason, she almost demands a reason. And this makes her even more angry because then all her effort, all the danger they went through, and all the good they did was never supposed to mean anything.

And in the last verse, Susan wishes as well that she could go back to Narnia and faith, just so she could be happy and innocent again. But she can't escape the knowledge that it would all be fake. In her eyes, Aslan and the others would all want her to come back, to stay, and she'd refuse because she isn't content being a pawn anymore. If she can't be queen in the world her heart truly belongs in, she'll make one where she'll be in control that no one can take from her. She's no longer a child, following blindly, and they can't fool her anymore.

From Lucy's view, the song is a tragedy. A lamentation for her sister. And while this is also true from Su's side, yearning for her fallen family, it's much deeper. There's regret and wistfulness there, yes. But for Susan, there's a lot more anger and rage than there is for Lucy. It's a lament for her family and friends, but it's a warning for Aslan too.

[dreadnought-dear-captain]

You Asked, I Told

**Contains spoilers for Baghdad Waltz up to chapter 36 and the movie Soldier’s Girl (noted below); CW for some general discussion on the subject of writing about childhood sexual abuse**

Hello everyone!

I’m so sorry I’ve been so neglectful of my inbox and slow to answer Ao3 comments lately :(  I have so, so many wonderful asks here, and I want to push out a few batches of answers in the next couple of weeks. I’m a little over 2/3 of the way through Chapter 37 of BW, which will probably be hovering around the 20k word count. But Bucky and Steve will be having their first therapy session! With Claire Temple! And it’s going to be… Well, it’s Bucky and Steve, so stay tuned.

You are too kind, and I’m actually bummed that BW has changed people’s enjoyment of other fics, because this is not the first time I’ve heard this, and it’s certainly not my intent. I’m glad you enjoy the minor characters here, because they have been very fun to create. I have loads of backstory that will never see the light of day, and I adore them so much. As to the second part, I’m reading this as your wondering a couple things: 1) perhaps questioning Steve’s level of devotion to Bucky (or just marveling at it, if this is a rhetorical question), and 2) perhaps also questioning Thor’s assessment that Bucky is the guy you fuck, not the guy you settle down with.

In terms of Steve’s love, some would say that Steve is clearly devoted because Bucky is a very hard person to be in a relationship with, and the fact that he’s still even around is a sign of his devotion. Others would say that he hasn’t done enough to show how much he loves him, that he should do more, because Bucky is suffering so much and needs a lot of support now. We all have our own interpretations of what “enough” is, and I see this a lot in the comments section of BW. I appreciate multiple perspectives on this, and I think we all come at this from our own experiences on one side or the other of relationships like this. I think readers tend to fall on the side of one character or the other, and the Bucky people might err on the side of believing that Steve is not doing enough (or doing the wrong things) and the Steve people might err on the side that Bucky, although clearly suffering, is not considering the ways in which Steve is devoted and the ways in which he hurts Steve. I love both of these characters and am not overly devoted to either, so I see both of their perspectives and aim to write from both sides.

As for Bucky being too “wild” and not being the kind you marry/settle with, I don’t know if we can really trust Thor’s assessment of this situation. He didn’t know Bucky for long, and the time he knew him was at a time when Bucky was pretty low in personal insight. Although Bucky has proven himself adept at committing to an arduous career and excelling greatly, Bucky still does struggle to commit in relationships. But to say that he’s “wild” could be a bit of a misnomer. Pan the camera one way, and he looks like a fun and wild party guy who loves to drink and fuck and has a charismatic, wild personality that is irresistible. Pan the camera the other way and you’ve got someone who’s desperately trying to manage his emotions with alcohol and sex and sometimes can’t, a guy who is essentially “wild and charismatic” because he has trouble with emotional and interpersonal regulation due an extensive history of trauma.  As he works to uncover and confront his history, we will have to see how things unfold and whether he commits to engaging with care for himself after his rift with Scott.

I hope this addresses your Ask!

I have had a good deal of interaction with the military system in my life through various channels and have also done a LOT of research. For every military-heavy chapter, I look over a ton of regulations (even weapons manuals - fun!), talk to Army veteran friends and associates who are very generous with their time, watch documentaries, scour the internet for hours and hours and HOURS and just do… a lot. Which is part of why this fic is so slow to come out.

I just want to say thank you for this. I don’t know if this comment still holds for you, because I received it between chapters 35 and 36, but this is one of the things that I feel the absolute most anxiety about when I post this fic. The last thing I want to do is write anything that is going to be exploitative, especially since I know how many people in the general population have experienced childhood sexual abuse. I agonize over how much detail to include, because I don’t want to include unnecessary details just for shock value. However, I also don’t want to avoid the content if it’s part of the character’s internal experience. In chapter 36, for example, it was important for me to convey what it was like for Bucky to experience an intrusive memory of his abuse, because that is consistent with how I write the internal experiences of my characters. It’s part of my style and part of why people read BW, I think. To back away now because it contains this kind of content would be a disservice to the character and his experience, because this is important to his life and the person he’s become.

But I also don’t want it to just be an opportunity for readers to be like ohhhhh all the DETAILS WOWWW. So with everything that I write, I strive to think - what is the purpose of what I’m including? Is this consistent with the way a network of traumatic memories would operate? What’s the cue in the environment that would light this up? If the purpose is character development or plot progression, I can justify including the details. In chapter 36, for example, it was important for us to see that Bucky is allowing himself to remember his past, that it’s dysregulating him, which lead to his rift with Scott and his relapse. All character and plot points. But if it’s just for funsies or for some Jerry Springer-style reveal to shock the readers, or anything even close to that, I would try my hardest to screen for that. As for creating an arbitrary tragic backstory for some other character to heal, I can see how that would be a tempting thing to do for a writer. Although this is a part of Bucky’s history, and although there could be times when he feels like it defines him, challenging that may also be part of his journey. And I’m sure Steve would love if he could heal Bucky with the power of his love (or cock magic) alone. If only.

Thanks so much for this.

This is a good question. As you’ve seen, people certainly can have profound functional impairment when their symptoms come to a head, to the point where hospitalization is sometimes the best option. Bucky has made great strides in his recovery and has accumulated a lot of skills from AA and DBT that he didn’t have before, even with a meltdown and a relapse thrown in there. I know it’s sometimes really hard to see how far he’s come, but he’s traveled lightyears from overdosing at the Holiday Inn on Long Island.

That being said, this reaction isn’t extremely promising, given the implication that these are just the first real burbles of his traumatic past rising to the surface. I’d say a few things could happen as more of this starts to emerge.

1) He could do as you say, decompensate, have a lot of trouble functioning in his daily life, maybe go into some sort of partial hospitalization or inpatient hospitalization. This option would allow him to be in a  controlled environment, the kind of place where he might be able to manage this stuff without other demands getting in the way.

2)  He could rely very heavily on coping skills and social supports to manage this stuff as it comes up, and maybe it doesn’t overtake him completely. This would be extremely challenging because it would require him to reach out for help and accept it.

3) He could find some way to stop this process altogether by resuming drinking or some other maladaptive coping behavior. This would be very tempting for him, especially as things get exponentially more difficult.

Importantly, Bucky is still the same person as he was before, in terms of the primary effects his traumatic history has had on his life. What’s really in question here is his ability to face his memories and the truth of his own experience, which he can’t run from anymore because his old compartmentalization and avoidance strategies are falling apart. I think a lot will depend on whether he continues to make himself an island or whether he lets others close to him to support and assist him in this process. So much of the latter depends on trust and his sense of personal and emotional safety, which have been deeply shaken by his experiences. This makes everything so much more challenging. We’ll have to see how it all unfolds!

Thanks for the Ask!

**CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR THE MOVIE**

UGH. Okay, I rented this DVD from Netflix when I got this Ask, because I thought, hey, why not… and then it sat on my shelf unwatched for about seven weeks. Netflix probably thought I just kept it. Obviously I have a pretty thick skin, given the shit I write about, but I was dreading watching it. The sleeve gives the plot away, so I knew what was coming, but God, kill me.

I died over a lot of the military inaccuracies, but it’s a TV movie, so it kind of gets a pass I guess. And it took place at Fort Campbell, Bucky’s least favorite place on Earth! This movie is also a creature of its time, which was fascinating in itself - a cis man playing a trans woman (megasigh, although admirably well), the commentary after from people on an active DADT policy still in effect, which was incredible. It seems so ridiculous to me now that it was ever in effect, especially when I recall the arguments against allowing open service for LGBQ folks (“but they’ll look at my butt in the showers!!”), and I wonder what kind of world we would have if Bill Clinton had gotten his way when he was elected and didn’t have to compromise with DADT.

It was very interesting to hear Barry’s sexuality being questioned so much because he was in love with a trans woman. The film makers talked about him “discovering something about his sexuality” because he was in this sexual relationship with her — like what? There was a lot of implication throughout the film and special features that trans women aren’t real women. And perhaps some of this stuff speaks to some level of sexual flexibility that might be present in someone who’s happy to give oral sex to a woman with a penis etc., so okay, I can buy that perhaps. But a small amount of flexibility is not necessary sexual confusion or radical sexual discovery, and it’s certainly not gayness or a sign that he’s not straight (though he may have been somewhere else on the sexuality spectrum, but that doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with having romantic/sexual feelings for a trans woman). But there was an odd cissexist/transphobic thread that ran through the whole film, even though the actors and production team were clearly very enthusiastic about the story and sensitive to the characters. And Barry’s mother was straight up like “maybe they were just friends, who knows.” [sigh] I dunno.

But to the point of what actually happened to Barry - God. That was rough. It reminds me of kids who are bullied for being gay perhaps because they’re not masculine enough, etc. and end up killing themselves, even though they’re not gay. His death was brutal and shocking and horrible, and it gave me kind of a “Boys Don’t Cry” feel for me, but in reverse? If that makes any sense. The way he was ostracized by his peers made me sad, especially when he was working so hard to integrate into his unit, and it reminded me of all of the people who were victims of the witch hunts prior to DADT and even after, how lonely that must have been, how devastating to one’s career and connections to their military family. It’s one of the reasons Bucky tried so hard to appear either extremely occupied or extremely straight. But overall, I thought the movie did a good job of making this a love story and not fetishizing Calpernia’s trans-ness, and I thought it was pretty balanced and nuanced for a 2003 movie trying to tackle this subject matter. I’m glad I watched this, even though the end was awful. I think I left feeling kind of good about the love story, imperfectly told as it was. 

Thanks for the rec!

**END SPOILERS**

Oh god, I am so bad about Tumblr and everything else. I’m sorry for being so bad at all the tasks of maintaining a presence on social media etc. and yeah. I feel bad about it. I’m basically a social media renunciate in my personal life (my job is YOU NEED A LINKEDIN and I am cry), so it’s really not a habit in my fandom life. Thank you for your support (and the EG dig <3), and I’ll keep plugging away!

Please, please no worries!! I didn’t take it like that. I just want people to know that I’m working really hard and would get these out to you so much faster if I could. I know you’re all waiting and I wish I could deliver faster, but alas, adulthood. And I want these chapters to be as good as I can make them and sometimes writing is just really fucking hard, especially when your characters are falling apart. I do love them and telling this story and sharing it with all of you, so thank you for being awesome <3 

I will have more “You Asked” soon! Thank you so much for dropping me these messages. I am thrilled to get them, and I promise I will get to them all.