#so i definitely have whatever illness my mum just did

[katyobsesses]

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[amantes-lunae]

★ Kate's trans wolfstar faves ★

this list is mainly trans sirius and muggle aus! there will definitely be a part 2 to this list with more trans remus + mwpp fics because i hold them DEAR TO MY HEART 🩷🤍💙 

you wouldn't like me - E, 40k

It’s 2005 and Sirius is trying to figure out his gender, their brother, and his new crush.

No More Secrets - G, 5k

Sirius Black didn't know if he would be accepted for who he was. Little did he know that he wasn't the only one with a secret.

Sirius Black and the Great Dress Code Revolution of 1977 - E, 61k

In a misguided effort to fight sexism, Sirius discovers he’s really, really into wearing the girls uniform. What follows is a disastrously oblivious Remus trying to protect his friends, Sirius’ introduction into a world more magical than his own (being trans!), and Marlene McKinnon growing increasingly annoyed with authority. A character study of Sirius’ fucked up gender, his relationship with his family, his body, Remus, James, and Marlene- disguised as a getting together fic.

Gathering Home - E, 74k (unfinished)

Remus flipped the light on and sucked in a breath as he looked over his classroom, as neat and tidy as he had left it the day before. The room exuded warmth, colourful and bright, playmats on the floor and books stacked up along the walls, little boxes of crayons on all of the tables. By the end of the day, ten kindergarteners would arrive to what was functionally their second home, to once again tear it to smithereens. Eleven, Remus corrected himself—four months into the school year, a new student was joining their class. — Remus shouldn’t be attracted to Sirius Hill, not when Remus is responsible for teaching his five-year-old little brother to read and count, and especially not with that mysterious baby strapped to Sirius’s chest. He shouldn’t. He isn’t. He is not.

my jokes are my armour, my kindness is my sword - E, 28k

“My mum died last year,” Sirius says at last, perhaps more bluntly than he intended – perhaps not given the defiant set of his chin. “And we don’t have a gravestone yet, till the ground settles or whatever, so I want something I can put there to represent her and how toxic she was.” Remus blinks. Whatever he had expected Sirius to say, it hadn’t been that. He had inferred that he and Regulus had a complicated relationship with their blood family, but this was a wholly unexpected turn. Unfortunately, instead of the empathic response he knows is in there somewhere, what comes out is: “Yes, that sounds like a perfectly healthy response to grief.”

It's a New Dawn - M, 106k

What took place in the Lycanthropy ward was thankless, rotten work. Sickening for those who didn’t care for the monsters; heart wrenching for those few who did. Remus had an inkling of which category Lily belonged to, and he didn’t think it was fair that she had to go through this so early in her studies. “Why would you choose this ward, Lily?” he asked again, gently. Remus Lupin (19 years old, formerly home schooled, currently employed in a bookshop, forever afflicted with lycanthropy and a cheeky mother) leads a peaceful - if a bit lonely - life. Enter up-and-coming Healer in training Lily Evans, stubborn and determined to make a friend out of the sarcastic little shit that is her favourite patient. Secrets are disclosed, closets are exited, family is found. Lives are changed for the better.

A Fool and His Money - M, 36k

Remus Lupin has an easy life. He manages his University studies and his chronic illness, and lives comfortably with his flatmate Regulus Black. Then one day he meets Regulus’ older brother and his entire life gets turned upside down when he’s offered an opportunity to make his life just a little bit easier. It was supposed to be just a business transaction between friends. Feelings were never supposed to get involved.

Discards - M, 76k

When assistant librarian Sirius Black develops a crush on a college student at the Seattle Public Library, all he wants to know is whether he's cool about dating trans guys. But Remus's life is more complicated than Sirius ever could have guessed.

Without Translation - G, 5k

When Remus moves into the new University housing, he isn't sure what to expect, but the Deaf Artist, Sirius Black is not it. Especially as Remus only has the function of one hand, and sign language is beyond him. But in the end, when it comes to love and communication, the pair find their own way to say I love you.

Whatever Words I Say - G, 23k

When Remus Lupin is hired to control the antics of famous lead singer of the Marauders, Sirius Black, he knows he has his work cut out for him. Sirius is contrary and has absolutely no chill, and loves pissing off the press. Remus feels up to the challenge, but he certainly does not expect to fall head over heels in love from the moment he meets the charismatic singer.

Defectors - M, 53k

I'm supposed to be dead. I was ready for it. More than ready. He struggles to sort quickly through his muddled thoughts. If he's not allowed to die, he needs to find sanctuary. Somewhere where they won't find him. Someone who can destroy it. AU where Regulus survives the horcrux cave and Sirius gets pushed to the edge.

Ghost Notes - M, 12k

AU where Remus didn’t attend Hogwarts. Sirius is smitten with the cute boy he meets at a punk show, and is determined to win him over.

Quick Draw - M, 10k

Sirius has never been a fan of thinking things through, but Remus is always there to keep him grounded. A quick peek at the couple from their first trip on the Hogwarts Express through the AU conclusion in 1981.

[ultrasuede]

so like chicago is about hannah. in this essay i will-

no actually i will. so i have no idea where hannah lives or if she has a baby or whatever but chicago is about louis thinking back on his last relationship before he met harry and came to terms with his queerness. i think pretty much everyone agrees that louis probably cheated on hannah with harry (rip) before he broke up with her. it’s possible that he’d still carry some guilt with him about this even if it was a relationship that couldn’t continue. and its such a louis thing for him to think back on this major turning point in his life that was so positive in many ways, and still feel for the person left hurt in the wake. 

i think the most glaringly obvious lyric is in the chorus: Just because it didn't work doesn't mean it's meaningless to me. It just wasn't meant to be. so this is just soooooooo very much something a queer person would say to their ex-partner. he’s telling this person that although i can’t love you the way you need me to, i still care about you and value the time we shared. i still think about you and only wish the best for you. It just wasn’t meant to be because it couldn’t be. know that i’ll still be here for you if you ever want to talk. sometimes i think about picking up the phone and calling you, but i get scared because i would never want you to hate me, and what if you hate me? Has it been long enough that you can forgive me? They say bitter ends turn sweet in time, Is that true of yours and mine?

a few other lyrics that support my theory 🥸:

And is your brother doin' okay? Is he still gettin' out of fights? I'm sorry that your mum don't like me, I'm sorry that I brought that on myself.-- its possible that hannah’s family would have ill feelings for louis for leaving her the way he did...actually we have proof of this bc her brother said some nasty things about louis on twt soon after they broke up. louis asking if he’s still getting out of fights could also be a subtle dig lol

Have you seen how my life's been goin'? 'Cause I've been wondering what you'd say. Would you have told me to keep goin'? Or would you say to walk away?-- hannah obviously Knows about louis so here he’s wondering what she'd think of his public image after all these years. 

I didn't have to search 'cause I still know your number-- they dated like 4000 years ago so louis definitely had to memorize her number and called her from a landline lol

so my point is harry was the other woman and louis still feels bad :/ and wants hannah to know that she was important to him despite that. those "best friends. always" tweets are just so sweet...but its possible that they've lost touch or maybe had negative exchanges since or perhaps louis is just looking back 12 years and those feelings of guilt, regret, and a bit of nostalgia are surfacing. in conclusion this is not a stunt song!!!

[all-or-nothing-baby]

15 QUESTIONS, 15 (or whatever) TAGS

i was tagged by @ash-mcj—thanks dude! HERE is their's.

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1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYBODY?

my middle name is the name of my mum's friend/dad's ex who died (my folks ended up getting together a year later).

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?

about 10 minutes ago? to WELLY BOOTS which is an amazing devil song i've heard 10,000 times before. i honestly cry a gajillion times a day bc i don't just cry at sad stuff but also anything that moves me: from hearing a wonderful piece of music... to someone saying something kind to me or anybody else (real person or fictional character)... to being overwhelmed by the enormity of life and all its fucked-up and wonderful complexities... seriously, absolutely bloody everything makes me cry!

3. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?

yes, two of 'em; a brilliant, beautiful, super-talented, immensely kind and outrageously hilarious 24 year old and a brilliant, beautiful, super-talented, immensely kind and outrageously hilarious 15 year old :) they're incredibly different individuals who bicker like siblings absolutely should and love each other a lot. i love them both so much it makes me cry when i think about it (surprise surprise).

4. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?

oh, no, never. (probs too much at times—although i don't always understand when others are using it with me #neurodiversesquad).

5. WHAT SPORTS DO YOU PLAY/HAVE YOU PLAYED?

used to do what the american folks call 'run track', back in the day before chronic illnesses became the villain in my story.

6. WHAT'S THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT SOMEONE?

whether they, you know, get it (or not).

7. EYE COLOUR?

erm, a bit of an odd sort of dark grey/blue with lots of dark green swirls and splodges

8. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?

oh definitely scary movies, horror my beloved <3 i think i'm finally (bc it's been on my list for so long omg) gonna get around to watching RELIC tonight! *scratching at the door noises*

9. ANY SPECIAL TALENTS?

forgetting absolutely fucking anything and everything all the fucking time. ALWAYS knowing the first letter of the word i can't think of. having a bit of a photographic memory. being able to play the william tell overture by flicking my fingernails against my front teeth. making really good pancakes. good at accents. pretty good at drawing faces. playing music by ear. great at making inconsequential lists lol

10. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?

blackpool, a seaside town in the north-west of england, UK. imo it's a veritable shithole these days, only good for trashy arcades and getting stabbed... but i do miss the ocean now i don't live there.

11. WHAT ARE YOUR HOBBIES?

making art, making words, making mixtapes, making trouble, making time for reading, making music, making a mess.

12. DO YOU HAVE PETS?

yes—i couldn't imagine not having critters in the house! i have 4 precious arseholes cats: little jimmy novak and moriarty, who are both house-loving cats—like, they do go out, but are indoors wanting cuddles more often than not. whereas the other two, grace jones ii and goku, are practically feral and only really come home for dinner and if it's raining hard (and the occasional i-will-allow-you-to-stroke-me-and-let-you-have-the-honour-of-me-sitting-on-your-knee-i-suppose).

13. HOW TALL ARE YOU?

5'2". short king.

14. FAVOURITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL?

loved art and english in high-school, and also enjoyed drama and history. i studied art at college and fashion at uni (which was a mistake, that world was very much not for me pfft).

15. DREAM JOB?

i honestly don't dream of jobs. but if i did? i suppose a portrait artist or published poet who was paid enough to actually live on, aha.

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tagging, play or nay: @shealynn88 @sharkfish @novemberhush @greyhavenisback @poebin @jmeelee @raisesomehale @rajalagang @ohhalefire @halinski @kikiroo @lovebillyhargrove @harrgrove @slytherkins @witchsickness @ltleflrt @wellwaterhysteria @deklo @chasingcastiel @racheld93 @gabedemon absolutely anybody else who wants to do the thing!

[in-my-feels-probably]

Heyy… so I saw your 1000 Follower celebration and I think this is a very sweet Idea, so I definitely have no choice but to „participate“ in this. So the fandom I’d like would be Bridgerton, with option two. I’d want the blurb to be with one of the guys, romantically (but please not Anthony since I’m not a huge fan of him in that way, if that makes sense)

So let’s see… some thinks about me:

My Name is Alissa (she/her) no idea if you’ll include names or not but just to be sure

I have roots in Germany (the west to be oddly specific)

I have brown hair, brown eyes & my skin is probably what people would describe as tanned, but it must be natural since I barely leave the house 😂 fun fact because of that people also always thought I was adopted because my parents look very white

My hair is a bit longer than shoulder length and it’s really straight

I’m around 5‘3, if that’s something you wanna include as well

In my free time I often draw, mostly Portrait but sometimes also animals. I always hoped I could make this my profession at some point but I haven’t gotten that lucky yet. I’ll be working on it tho :)

I also read a lot and write a bit as well

I love all animals, especially dogs (I have one named Zoey)

My favorite color is Purple 💜

The most important thing in my life is definitely my family. I hate being away from them for too long. I’m very close with my mum and stepdad, they have always been there for me when I’ve had a hard time (back in school for example) since I was struggling a lot with anxiety and depression (wow feels good to admit that)

(You don’t have to use all of this, but I think it’s better if you have a few options so it’s easier to write)

I think that’s a lot of information already. If there’s anything I forgot please tell me, I’m really tired right now since I’m writing this at 2 AM so I wouldn’t be surprised if I did forget something 😂

Well, thanks so much for doing this. It’s such a sweet Idea 💗

- Alissa 🪐

hi!

thank you for participating :)

i ship you with benedict!

you’re an artist, like he is. it’s not a profession you can really make a living out of at the time, at least unless you’re already rich. it’s not a profession people generally respect, despite the greats becoming rich and famous. regardless of your skill level, or how well known your work would be, benedict would absolutely adore that you value art as much as he does. when he’d have a block, you’d give him ideas. you’d inspire him to create what he loves, not what others expect of him. you’d always encourage him to create, never judging his choices. whatever the outcome, you’d praise it. he’d never feel judged or embarrassed by you.

you seem like a gentle soul, which he’d really love. not only does he love art, but he loves literature and poetry. he’d think of you with every poem he read, and in any he writes. he’d see you in the gentle things of the world. a flower blooming in the first of spring, or one of the horses having a baby foal. you’d be a breath of fresh air for him, always making him feel light and airy. he’d be content as long as he was with you. if you didn’t want to go out, he’d be content to stay in. wherever you were, even if it was away from the ton, he’d be.

he’d also love that you value family. he cares so much for his, and is constantly surrounded by them. if you got along with them well, he’d love you even more. being around them, you’d never feel alone. but there’d still be days you felt alone, even with all of them around you. benedict understands this, being the second born son who is considered far less important than anthony by society. i think benedict struggles with his own mental illness. when you finally confided with him about yours, he’d think you were the bravest person in the world. getting up and facing every day with a smile on your face, despite your struggles, you’d inspire him even more, if that was even possible.

benedict would go through a period of a few days to week where he hadn’t drawn or painted anything at all. one day you’d walk in to see him sitting by the window, finally painting a sketch you’d seen him drawing in the weeks prior. a lavender flower.

“what are you doing, love? is that lavender?”

“it is,” he’d smile up at you, motioning for you to come closer. “lavender is said to reduce stress and anxiety. and i know purple is your favorite color. purple is associated with admiration. like mine for you.”

you’d nearly cry at his expression, smiling tearful down at him as he set down his brushes.

“we’re getting this one framed. i hope you know that.”

he’d chuckle, wiping his hands before wrapping an arm around your waist. “you like it then, i take it?”

“i love it,” you’d smile, bending down to press a kiss to the top of his head. “and i love you.”

“i love you too, darling.”

—

i hope you liked this! i really enjoyed reading about you and writing this for you. thank you again for participating :)

[mikeysgerard]

As promised, here’s a little Q&A of the author!

(Story: When both our Fates collide on ao3 )

 Are you British like our beloved Heartstopper characters?

I wish I was! I was born and raised in Germany and live in a little town by the beach right by the Baltic Sea. I spent a lot of my childhood in London though, because of my mum’s job, and been to Ireland and Scotland a couple of times on holiday. So, English is definitely not my first language, I hope you didn’t notice too much! *cringes*

Do you work in the medical field? I'm simply curious to know. You seem to know what you are talking about when it comes to this kind of stuff.

First of all, thank you! You’re right, I do work in the medical field. I work as a nurse in a lovely little retirement home, and it’s my absolute dream job. As Darcy said, it’s the most rewarding thing on earth- to help people. But I also think a lot of my knowledge comes from being chronically ill, for over a decade now, and I’ve lost track of the billion times I was hospitalised, had surgery and yeah, basically everything that comes with it.

Do you mind me asking how old you are? You seem very wise and cultured!

Of course I don’t mind. (not sure about being wise and cultured but thank you!!!) I’m turning 26 in November 😊

Can we create fanart for this story?

ABSOLUTELY! That would seriously be the biggest honour! Fanart, a trailer, podfic, honestly whatever you want- I’ll happily accept it all <3 <3 <3 I’d love to publish your art on my tumblr account (@mikeysgerard) and link it to this story as well!

How did you come up with this story? I feel like writing about the hospital is so specific and yet a brilliant idea.

Ahhh thank you! I remember many nights when I was alone in my hospital room and wished so badly I had someone my age to talk to, share my pain and fears with. I’d often imagine finding a really good friend and sneaking out at night to hide under staircases, to laugh and feel free again. That thought always comforted me when I was alone and afraid. (remember Nick and Charlie’s date? Rings a bell:) ?) I knew I wanted to write about that someday in some form or another, and then HS happened. Darcy was actually the one who inspired me to finally write down the first words and start this project when she said (in episode 8) that they could all pretend to have sprained ankles on sports day. That’s sort of how Nurse Darcy and Nick were born. I have a long history of mental health issues like Charlie himself, and I knew it would help me to write about some of those struggles, mainly his ED, the S*lf H*rm and the situation with his toxic parents. That’s how Charlie was born. When I first saw Mr. Ajayi on screen, I knew I wanted him to be their doctor and to this day it confuses me when someone in the series or comics refers to him as Mister Ajayi, instead of Doctor Ajayi, I’m just so used to that now haha! All in all, this story was a long time coming and I’m really proud that so many of you like what I have created here. That’s amazingly wonderful.

Besides the obvious ones, who is your fave heartstopper character (comic or series)?

Besides my VERY devoted love for Nick and Charlie, I also really love Julio and Oliver Spring, Mr. Ajayi, Tori and Darcy, obviously(!!!!) and my girl Imogen. (I have a gigantic crush on that lady!)

What’s your favourite song from the soundtrack? (thanks for creating that, btw I’ve found so many new and amazing songs!)

Oh I’m so happy you like the soundtrack! I honestly love them all, they mean so much to me by now, but whenever Life Is A Highway starts playing, I immediately imagine a very annoyed and sleepy Nick in his hospital bed and a cheeky Nurse Darcy with her bubble gum, opening the blinds and flopping down on Nick’s bed, and the thought alone makes me grin so SO much!

This question has come up a lot: are you going to continue writing?

The answer is: I hope so! I definitely have a few ideas in my mind that I’d love to explore. However, with my upcoming surgery- you guys might know about this from the chapter’s notes- I can’t tell you anything specific yet. I know that it’s a big surgery and the healing progress will take a lot of time, but I’m definitely motivated to continue writing. You guys most certainly are a BIG reason for that. You’ve been nothing but kind, respectful, caring and absolutely amazing. You’ve cheered me on so much and my heart is so, so full of all the love you have shown me. You made my summer very special and I will be forever grateful. I hope you know that. <3

 

Those were all your questions I’ve received both on ao3 and on tumblr, I hope I answered them to your liking! Here are a few more facts about me I’d like to share 😊

- I’m a single mum of a little boy

- My favourite colour is yellow

- I very much identify with Nick sexuality wise

- I suffer from Crohn’s Disease (thus another surgery, had 28 already *sigh*)

- My favourite Heartstopper episode is ep7 and Volume 4 of the graphic novels has my heart

- I’m vegan

- Spring and Autumn are my favourite seasons

- Despite my age, I still cuddle with my books. Nothing gives me more comfort than diving into another world and holding it close to my heart.

 

 

Thank you for coming on this journey with me. Ich hab euch alle unendlich lieb. Seriously, danke für alles <3 !

[rackartyg]

part of what makes the diagnosis swamp be so hard to get out of is that i have no frame of reference. i don't remember not being mentally ill. if i'm neurodivergent, obviously i wouldn't know what not being nd is like.

i remember when i was in contact with the youth psychiatry service around age 15 and during a therapy appointment, i mentioned having a panic attack. the therapist asked me when i had my first one. i was quiet for a moment and then said, 'i don't remember.' she frowned and said, 'well, if someone is having panic attacks, they'd definitely remember their first one.' or something like that, i don't remember the exact wording, just that she very clearly implied that the fact that i didn't remember meant i wasn't actually having panic attacks.

but when i think back. like i still don't remember my first panic attack. and for a long time my perspective was that i only started having them at, like, age 13. but i've realised that i probably was having them even before that, i just didn't frame them as "panic attacks" because i didn't know the term existed.

what i thought of it as, and i believe i got the phrase from my parents, was 'locking up' -- a feeling of intense distress, typically crying, causing me to run away and hide and be unable to do anything else until the feeling subsided. and i have been doing that for longer than i can remember. the earliest instances that come to mind are both horse related.

it was the last lesson before summer and i was little and early in my horse riding career, but mature enough that i didn't need my mum's help to tack up, so i was probably like nine or ten? anyway, so my riding school communicated what horse each student had been assigned on a piece of paper pinned on the wall next to the tack room. that day i'd been assigned one of the more difficult ponies, which was scary but i was up to it. tacking him up was really hard, but i did it and felt proud.

and then when we got down to the paddock and the instructor saw us, she sent me and an assistant back to the barn because the pony wasn't fit to ride or something and she had meant to modify the list but forgotten. so now i had to, after spending a lot of time and emotions on the first pony, tack up a different one in like five minutes. and i just couldn't. halfway back up to the barn i burst into tears and ran away. (the assistant was leading the pony.)

the other time, i was older. 12, maybe? at the start of every term, the riding school wanted to confirm contact details etc and so the horse assignment paper was taken down and you had to go into the office and talk to the person there to be told your horse. not very difficult in an objective sense, but incredibly anxiety inducing at the time, so i needed my mum to go with me or do it for me, i can't remember which.

it was the second lesson of that autumn and i'd missed the first one for whatever reason. i thought that had gotten me out of going to the office, so i didn't remind my mum about it and she didn't stick around and just dropped me off to go return some books to the library (which closed right when my lesson started). but when i got up to the barn, the assignment paper was still not there, replaced by a note to go into the office. and again i was overwhelmed by this powerful sense of can't do it can't doit can'tdoitcantcantcant and just ran away and hid until my mum got back.

there were these benches by the outdoor paddock that were hidden from the parking lot by some bushes, so i sat on one of those and just cried. i don't remember what happened after that, what i said to my mum when she got back. i didn't get to do my lesson, though, obviously, which i was sad about because i'd really looked forward to it after the summer break.

i'm sure there were more instances, but these are the ones i can remember right now. by the time of the first memory, it was enough of an established Thing That I Did for (a) the term locking up to be an unremarkable part of both mine and my mother's vocabulary, (b) my mum to easily explain what had happened to the riding instructor, who i'm sure had already Picked Up Some Vibes from me because she was always so gracious and patent when i struggled.

anyway my point was that the reason why i don't remember my first panic attack is the same as why i don't remember my first time eating potatoes. (the experiences being, of course, equal in intensity but opposite in value.)

i was literally too young for the memory to form and/or stick.

i remember one instance that was just unquestionably a panic attack -- in autumn 2020, i tried to join a freshers week social activity, but failed, as my anxiety spiked so hard i couldn't physically make myself join. at the time i happened to be wearing a fitness tracker with a heart rate monitor, which recorded the whole experience and, after i'd left the area and calmed down, congratulated me on my intense workout and recommended a nutritious snack to support my new Gainz. truly travis willingham during the kraken fight vibes.

and the whole thing didn't feel new. i knew exactly what was happening and it had zero (0) novelty, only an overwhelming sense of 'ah not this shit again'. which means the thing i called a panic attack during that therapy appointment was a panic attack and that therapist just fucking gaslit me.

i still feel hesitant calling these episodes panic attacks. i'm writing this post partly just to spell out the argument that's been bouncing around my brain for why that's stupid. maybe having it clearly articulated could help.

[theskyexists]

they establish the male lead as brave, de-escalating explosive situations, calling out his new BOSS, and thanking the female lead for standing up to that same boss. noice

oh no this is really embarrassing i hate it lol. absolute nightmare

thank god its over. ‘you have....really good eyesight huh’ hah

oh no not the false assumption!!! AH nice. she made her decision instantly. LOL HER MUM

ok i laughed. that is so stupid hahahaaha

oh god. oh no.  he’s actually an idiot. a big himbo. man.

wow dude - just get a gf and ask her if she might do a little bdsm! lol. why what why would you start shouting about i guess...platonic bdsm ?? haahaha

OH NOOOO. SHES TALKING ABOUT THE BOSS MAN DUDE. COME ON. USE YOUR BRAIN. YOU SEEMED TO HAVE ONE AT THE START

Oh noooooooooooooooooooooo his ex-gf dumped him oh nooooo.

he’s uh....he’s certainly going for it. instead of being like: hey if you’re not put off by this - do you like me maybe also? can we go out? i guess its a fundamentally different relationship hes proposing. ah he was drunk af

WHY ARE THEY DOING THIS AT WORK WTF LOL. ok that wasnt so bad.

oh this is not my thing at all it irks me. like, i need slightly more firewall between real life and whatever stuff they’re trying to do.

this film just said that most d/s relationships are not romantic. IS THAT TRUE???????????????????????????????????? this would explain that stepjan comic....i guess.

they are doing this AT WORK. like, 24/7 play. i just. what. this seems like an extreme form of BDSM to me.ok i like that she put him to work on supporthing her power in the office.amazing

OK! that’s pretty well done!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHA THAT BARK!!!! haahahahahaa. WHY IS THE HOTEL NOT SOUNDPROOFED OH MY GOD

they made him look very handsome while eating some treats. really emphasising that jawline

tHE FUCKING BARKING !!!!   HAHAHAAHA thats amazing. what improvisation! ahahahaahahahahaa

i dont understand the japanese/korean tradition of going to a hotel. why not go HOME. is it because young professionals dont have a home of their own? (like here nowadays -_-)

a very self-interested birthday gift lol.

a lot of kinks passing  by. im mostly itnerested in how they’re gonna beat the big boss: sexist manager man

is he jealous of her bossing around the new employee? lol. they upgraded to way better and more expensive places. awww she’s so tough on the new employee, awwww i feel for him. ok he’s alright, but he definitely IS a possible threat, not an actual one, but definitely possible

HAHAHAHAHAAHAHA BRILLIANT. he wants to roleplay being the new employee. oh my gOD

ohhhh the glasses are...a safeprop. that’s clever!

AT WORK. at least she always locks the doors. if the manager tries to get them both fired for walking in on them ill be pissed

YOU NEED TO SEPERATE YOUR PRIVATE LIFE FROM WORK. proceeds to whip him at work in his work clothes

ah she’s hitting the table.

lots of crossed wires imo. AHAHAHA sorry the delivery is great! but i never understood the whole demanding/annoying sub thing - ah o h no i cannot. no. i am having to shut off the audio.

DID SHE JUST WALK OUT OF THE LOCKED ROOM. INTO THE OFFICE ANYONE CAN ENTER.ah the ultimate scene! she gets to release her frustrations with shit co-workers, and he gets to fail in the environment he works in everyday! the peppy soundtrack to this is amazing

i NEED to not think about whether anyone is gonna walk in because it makes me unable to watch any of this

I KNEW it. at least it wasnt at the climax.

Do NOT hetbait me out of this kiss. or was it purely imaginary

GREAT SOUNDTRACK

i know this is the whole emotional heart of the show, how he falls so hard for her because she treats him nicely(like, normally)) and his ex was a total utter bitch about it. but like - what she’s saying is so normal it SHOULDn’t be something special

oh so ex was ABUSIVE, or is trying to be now. trying to take advantage of him

faldfjslfjasdl the other couple hahahahaah ( ‘she’s feeding him!!!’)

holy shit how did we get here. this is a rom com so everything will be ok right

are you fucking kidding me? this isnt a confession breaking moment! this isn’t a time for fucking slapstick and people finding out they’re freaks or whatever. her friend is in serious danger!

wow she’s pretty fucking stupid for blowing her friend’s cover immediately jezus.

what even. they’re running and driving. it might be my sensitivities but why did they put in a RAPE threat into a rom com.

i guess they treat it pretty well actually. thank GOD she had a taser.

poor woman got rejected. ah a glimmer of hope? oh no that was just her calender

HES GOT A WHOLE FUCKING HOUSE AND THEY ALWAYS GO TO HOTELS WTF

OH NO, the insecurities!

really what she should do is apologise REALLY. she already KNEW it was an abuse of power. not the reason he said no ofc

he’s finally inviting her home???

its fucking hana isn’t it. jezus. wow they really made her awful. they made her AWFUL!!!!!!

PLEASE SLAP THIS GIRL SO HARD SHE NEVER RETURNS JIWOO! oh she didn’t

what is it with people talking metaphors instead of being like: sorry im afraid to date you but im deeply in love with you. OK i guess this is just a very romantic confession

WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY WOULD SHE RESPOND THAT WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY!!!!!!!!!!!! STOP THIS FUCKING NONSENSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

are you fucking kidding me. why would she do that. what a complete idiot. HOLY SHIT. she just couldnt deal with her emotions or what?? im sorry but after liking her for the whole film i find this kind of sheer stupidity absolutely UNFORGIVABLE. and now she’s going to moan about how her life is so hard. YOU made it difficult. oh now shes gonna get wise words from her mum but actually SHE’s the asshole here so i have zero sympathy.

completely ambiguous advice

hold up. did he just try to send the file to just her, but then sent it to everybody? oh my god....

this is. the worst. this is the worst that could possibly happen.worse than anyone walking in on them.

ok so - NOW hes at a real big impact on her life. but it was still her choice to run the risk. not sure how intern man had audio of them though. and why he thought it was a good idea to email her about it on the work email. what a complete incompetent.sometimes incompetence supersedes intention.

i thought they were gonna beat boss man and now this. what a fucking downer.

id just say: ok bye im outtie lol. but i guess you’ll get blacklisted. so instead you gotta sit through it, for a small chance of not getting blacklisted

Why did intern man splice the audio together and everything????????

really. they had them sit through being grilled by sexist old men just to get him to confess? he already confessed. so why was this fucking necessary. do hate the dramatisation going into two things i despise: rape and the violation of something that should be entirely private.

why couldnt this film have been about slapping the sexist old men in the face and kicking them in the balls instead of Jung heroically confessing his already confessed feelings to protect her. ok i liked that moment of catharsis. YES! screaming at the inappropriate sexist power tripping pigs!

sorry but why did he have to confess THREE TIMES for the narrative and her to accept it.

the great thing about it that he’s always using his voice amplify hers.

and now this talking after is entirely too sappy lol

jihoo got a paid suspension but jiwoo got a pay cut. what the absolute fuck. i guess it allowed her to take over the whole department

whoever played hyemi is a really good actress

WHY IS HAN REPLYING ON A BDSM FORUM AT WORK JDLFJDSFJSD he has learned NOTHING

anyway that was a cute end scene.

[rockingrobin69]

Spoonful of what, now?

CW: illness (nothing serious), a bit of angst, a somewhat sticky situation. Sappy boys being saps. 1k

It wasn’t a complaint, and Draco said this with all the love in his heart, but Harry was the worst patient. He was whiney, and impatient, and stubborn. He wouldn’t take the pain meds because he didn’t like the way they made him feel. He wouldn’t drink Fever-Be-Gone because it was too sour, for crying out loud. It didn’t help that he was a trainee Healer himself and could probably recite proper procedure in his sleep. He was the absolute worst patient, even if Draco did say so himself.

And he kept trying to convince Draco to leave. “Just go to work,” he sniffled weakly, all brave-like and the-boy-hero everyone still expected him to be, for whatever reason. “I’m fine.”

“Don’t be an arse,” was Draco’s tight-lipped response. “Drink your tea.”

“I don’t like it,” Harry whimpered, nose scrunched. It really was disgusting how much Draco loved him.

“Oh, for Merlin’s sake, don’t be such a baby. Drink the damn tea.”

“You calling it tea doesn’t make it less of a potion,” Harry grunted, but he did as told with all the contempt of a five year old. Draco knew the liquid wouldn’t go down smoothly; he brewed the damned thing himself when Harry point blank refused all other treatments. But it would help him, Draco felt certain. And if not, at least it’d shut him up for a bit.

“Wha-“ Harry tried to say, startled, but Draco shook his head.

“You need to rest your throat now. You won’t be able to speak for the next ten minutes, I’m afraid, while it’s working. And in the meantime, you’re going to listen to me.”

Harry gave him this look, wide-eyed and terrified, and Draco felt a sadistic laughter bubbling in his abdomen. Harry tried to speak again, but all that came out this time was a garbled sort of ‘wrah’.

“That’s right. Now, look. I won’t marry you.” Perhaps it wasn’t sadistic laughter, actually; it might have been purely masochistic, because the look Harry gave him now hurt. “Not yet, anyway. We’re too young, Harry. It’s only been four years since the war, and I’m afraid you’re trying to rush this because you…” gods, even having planned this, it was still the most difficult thing Draco ever did in his life. With some exceptions, perhaps.

“I know you love me, but this fear you have of losing me is – it’s not healthy. What we have is real. I’m not going to run away, I’m not going to leave you. I don’t want you to propose out of sheer panic; I want it to be something you actually – Harry. I do want to marry you, at some point. But not like this. I love you more than anything, you must know that. You do, right?”

Harry’s eyes were pools of green, wet and agonizing, but he held out a hand for Draco to take. It was a little evil, maybe, doing it like this. No, it definitely was. But ever since Harry’s proposal last week Draco was lost. He just didn’t know how to do it in a way that wouldn’t hurt him, in a way that would make Harry understand. This was his best idea. Some genius he was.

“I’m so happy with you, Harry. So happy I often can’t believe it. When we first started dating, I thought it was a dream. Or a hoax, maybe. I kept waiting for the moment you’d go, ha, you actually believed it? and laugh in my face. Or hex me. Or something, I don’t know. But then I got to actually know you and… you’re the most important thing in my life. I can’t imagine myself without you. But we’re twenty two, and broke, and living in your adopting-mum’s attic. We work eighty hours a week and basically only see each other in the hospital. You see why it’s not the best timing, right?”

Harry nodded, curt, blinking away the tears. Draco wanted to hold him, but he kept himself back. “Waiting isn’t necessarily bad. This isn’t the world your parents got married in, or… the war is over. We have the luxury of time now. We have the luxury of waiting. We get to be young, now. You know? Actually be young.”

Damn it, was he crying? Draco turned away quickly, but Harry’s hand caught his chin and turned his face back, very gently. He was nodding. Draco’s heart was busy performing some sort of trick, possibly involving explosives.  

“You understand this isn’t rejection, right? I want to be with you. I always want to be with you. But the big, adult things – getting married, having children, all that – I’m not ready for that yet. Is that all right?”

Harry ran a thumb over Draco’s lip, very slowly. “I-“ he tested his voice, and seeing that it worked, he remained silent for another endless minute. “I love you, Draco.”

Gods. Gods. Draco closed his watery eyes and leaned against Harry’s hand. “I love you too,” he sniffled, trying hard to keep the words in but failing miserably. “Gods, Harry, so much.”

“Good,” Harry laughed, though it sounded heavy with sadness. “That’s good.”

“So – you understand?”

Another eternal minute. “I think so.” His voice was awfuly scratchy.

“How… how’s your throat feeling?”

“Yeah, better, I guess. My chest’s a little sore, but I doubt that’s related.” Draco’s eyes widened in alarm, but when he looked, Harry was smiling. “I’m kidding. I’m all right. Will you make me a proper tea, though? The potion leaves a bit of an aftertaste.”

“Of course, yes. Anything.” Draco was frightened by how much he meant it. He hurried to the door, but then stopped, turning back to him. “Harry… you’re not – you got what I meant, right? It’s not a no. Just… not right now.”

He took another godawful moment before responding. “I think I did, yeah. I’ll try again later. In a good few years, maybe.”

Draco’s smile was very tight in his chest. “If I don’t get you first, then.”

The relief in Harry’s eyes hurt more than anything else. “Yeah?”

“Yes. We’re – I’m still in this. Forever.” Gods, he was such a sap, it was horrible.

“Forever.” But it was all right, because Harry was a sap too.

He put extra honey in his tea, partly as an apology, and partly because his fingers were still shaking. Forever. It felt heavy, and uncomfortable, and impossibly right.

[blu-joons]

When They Have To Take Care Of Your Ill Child Without You ~ BTS Reaction

Jin:

As he stepped into his daughter’s bedroom, her hand came up instantly, dismissing Jin from coming any closer. “What’s wrong?” He asked, stepping into the room anyway.

Her eyes barely opened at the bright light streaming in, “I don’t feel very well, you don’t need to come near me and get ill too.”

“I won’t get ill,” he tried to assure her, knowing full well that you weren’t around to help. “But if I don’t come near you, then they’ll be no one around to be able to help you feel better sweetie.”

“You have work,” she frowned, glancing across as he sat down on the edge of her bed. “Everyone will hate me if I make you unwell.”

His head shook, resting his hand against her leg. “No one will be mad at you, why don’t I take the day off and then I can help you get better quicker?”

“Are you really going to be allowed to take the day off work?” She asked, not used to having to force either of her parents away from work.

“Mummy’s not here, so someone has to step up and fill her shoes.”

“Okay,” she murmured, “can you start by running me a bath daddy? My pyjamas are well and truly stuck to me right now.”

“Whatever you want, I’m at your service all day today angel.”

Yoongi:

As soon as he felt a hand tap against his lap, his eyes looked down to watch as your son slowly began to stir. “Morning sleepyhead,” Yoongi whispered down to him.

His small hands came up to rub the sleep out of his eyes, “daddy, my head still really hurts, it’s like I’ve got a brick on it.”

“Try not to worry,” Yoongi smiled, carefully lifting his head up and sliding out from underneath him, replacing his lap with a pillow. “I’m sure mummy said that there was some medicine in the cupboard.”

“Where is mummy?” His quiet voice called out, looking around the house. “She always knows what to do whenever I’m not feeling well.”

Yoongi’s heart shattered as he searched for the medicine, “she’s not here, remember. But I’m going to try and as good a job as mummy does to look after you.”

“You’re in the wrong drawer for medicine,” your son then called out, “mummy keeps it high up so that it’s out of my reach daddy.”

“I see, well that makes sense. I’ll have a look higher up then.”

“Please hurry,” your son whined, pressing his hand to the top of your head. “If mummy was here, she’d know what to do.”

“I’m going as fast as I can, I promise you’ll feel better soon.”

Hoseok:

He’d never taken as big a sigh of relief as he did when he watched your daughter’s eyes flutter open on the studio floor. “Dad’s here,” he spoke down to her.

Her eyes looked around to see all seven of the boys staring back down at her. “What happened? Why am I on the floor?”

“You’re alright,” Hobi quickly tried to assure her, “I think the nasty sickness bug that you’ve had, finally caught up with you and caused you to pass out. But you’re alright now, nothing bad can happen.”

“I’m sorry,” was all she could say, as all of the boys quickly assured her that she had no reason to apologise to any of them.

Hobi knew more than anything these were the situations when she’d be desperate for you. “I rang mum, and she’ll call you later to make sure that you’re doing alright.”

“I miss her,” she whimpered, “she always knows what to do, and she always gives the best hugs whenever I’m not feeling well.”

“Would a massive group hug from all of us make you feel better?”

Yeah,” she squealed as all of the boys sat down beside her and wrapped their arms around her, “it feels just like a mum hug.”

“Only, we’re a lot better than your mum ever is at hugs.”

Namjoon:

When he heard the sound of Yoongi’s voice on the phone, it was a welcome relief for Namjoon. “I’ve done everything, and he’s still complaining that he’s ill.”

Yoongi chuckled gently, “you can definitely tell that Y/N is the one that deals with sickness in your house and not you.”

“She’s like a nurse,” Namjoon groaned, “and I’m just the janitor. I just need someone to help rather than disturbing Y/N when she’s in such an important meeting, I can’t get in the way of that.”

“Are you guys at home?” Yoongi then asked him, picking up his coat from the hanger. “I’ll rally the troops and we’ll come and help you out.”

A large sigh came from Namjoon, “I never thought I’d say that I need the six of you, but I really do before I end up going insane trying to find the solution to this.”

“I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about,” Yoongi chimed, trying to ease his leader’s mind. “He might just need to see a different face.”

“What are you trying to say? That my son doesn’t want to see my face?”

“He probably wants Y/N,” Yoongi protested, “if he’s still feeling ill around you then you can’t be doing a good enough job.”

“You’re supposed to be helping me to feel better too hyung.”

Jimin:

His heart broke as he watched his daughter reach out across the toilet bowl, tears streaming down her face. “It’s alright,” he whispered, kneeling at her side.

Her eyes glanced across at her father hopelessly. “I’ve never felt this ill before dad, what’s happening to me?” She cried out.

“Don’t worry,” he comforted, running his hand along her back. “Let’s get your hair out of your way too, I’m sure there’s a hairband lying around in my drawer of the unit somewhere,” he encouraged.

“Why do you have one?” She asked him, sitting up gently so that Jimin could scrape her hair back into a small ponytail at the top of her head.

He couldn’t help but chuckle lightly, “when you were in mummy’s tummy, she threw up a lot, so I kept a hairband in my drawer so that I could always move her hair away.”

“That’s pretty cool,” your daughter grinned, only for her eyes to widen a few moments later and her head to turn away from Jimin to the toilet.

“Just take your time and let it all out sweetie, I’m right here beside you.”

“I’m alright,” she frowned, a couple of moments later, “but I don’t think I should go to school today, what do you think daddy?”

“You remind me just of me when I was your age trouble.”

Taehyung:

It only felt like a matter of time for Taehyung until the bedroom door opened up and your son came slinking in. “What’s wrong buddy?” Tae called out to him.

He walked all along until he was at Taehyung’s side of the bed, “I can’t sleep because I don’t feel well daddy, it hurts.”

“Come here,” Tae frowned, sitting up on the bed and lifting his son up to sit in between his legs. “Do you want to sleep in here tonight? There’s a nice big gap on mummy’s side of the bed for you to fill.”

“Can I really?” He asked, staring up at his father in disbelief. “But what if mummy doesn’t want me to sleep in her side of the bed?”

Taehyung shrugged, pulling back the duvet. “We could just keep it as our little secret because you’re not feeling well, how does that sound?”

“A-alright,” your son stuttered, still a little uncertain about betraying his mother. “Can I keep teddy in with us as well, I don’t want him to sleep alone.”

“Of course, you can. He takes up a lot less room than your mum does too.”

“That’s not nice,” your son quickly scolded, “but it’s also very true, teddy is tiny, maybe I could bring a few of my teddies too?”

“I reckon one is more than enough for now.”

Jungkook:

He instantly felt a lot more comfortable as he crept into your daughter’s bedroom to see that her eyes were awake. “How are you feeling little one?” He smiled.

Her head nodded, tapping the end of her bed for Jungkook to sit down beside her. “I feel a little better now that I’ve had a sleep.”

“That’s good to hear,” he responded, studying her face closely, “but those cheeks are still a bit pink for my liking, and you still look you’ve got a pretty high temperatures, I can feel your heat from here.”

“I’m cold,” she whined as Jungkook tried to pull her duvet away from her, “you can’t make me sleep without the duvet, I’ll tell mummy.”

His eyes rolled, quickly letting go of the duvet. “How come you’re ill, and yet you still manage to use your mother as a weapon against me? It’s just not fair at all.”

“I’m ill, that’s why,” she groaned, pulling the duvet back around herself tightly, “you’re supposed to look after me just like mummy does.”

“I wish mummy was here to look after you, she’d know what to do.”

“Let me sleep,” your daughter suggested, “and maybe then we can order pizza for dinner, because I am sick after all.”

“If you’re sick, you’ve got no chance of pizza, nice try.”

---

Masterlist

[15-dogs]

lovely night |r.b.|

pairing: regulus black x reader

summary: when regulus finds hidden letters from sirius after he’s run away with his girlfriend, you admit to something you never thought you would (hurt/comfort, eventual fluff, forbidden love, no war au)

warnings: blood status stuff, underaged drinking (regulus and reader are 18), idk if this needs to be tagged but reader is a muggle born butler/worker for a pure blood family

guide: (Y/N) = your name, (Y/L/N) = your last name

word count: 2.2K

a/n: askjdhs this is my first regulus fic i hope it’s ok we’ll see we’ll see. also!! yes i did draw inspo from lovely night from la la land so the girlfriend sirius ran away with years back is the reader from planetarium so check that out if you want context to the letters!! feedback is greatly appreciated and i hope you like it!!

***

You only did what you had to to get by. Your muggle parents had thrown you out years ago so you had to find a job to support yourself. In the defense of good character and charity, the Greengrass family took you in as their worker. You stayed with them in the private quarters you shared with the house elves and kept your head down when they threw backhanded insults about your blood status at you. Whatever you could do to get by, you did.

As a reward for being so well-behaved at their home, the family would take you out to private events, fit only for the pureblooded families. Many families would bring their attendants with them, just to prove they were not of ill faith quite yet. You didn’t quite care about those intentions, not when you were too distracted by the glamour of the day.

You did have a very rich fantasy life. As Amalina Greengrass’s seamstress, you got to play with her dresses. And what dresses those were. Long, flowing gowns with pale colors which could make anyone look like royalty.

You used to dream about attending those parties in those dresses, catching the eye of a certain young suitor who was quite skilled at the violin. You imagined walking right past him, like he wouldn’t even recognize you in your fancy clothes, but he would do a double take before running after you, spouting compliments and praise and wondering why in Merlin’s name he hadn’t noticed you that way before.

But Regulus wasn’t like that.

Regulus was your friend, dress or rags. Every party you two were forced to attend, you always ended up sneaking off to chat. Regulus would secure a secluded balcony far off in the mansion from the ballroom while you stole a bottle of firewhiskey from the kitchens. That night was no exception.

Regulus sat on the ground, his legs slotted through the railing and dangling over the garden 30 feet down. He looked so pretty in the moonlight, his sharp features finally softening. It was moments like those you knew Regulus wasn’t as scary as he or his family let on.

Against your instinct to stare in silence, you knocked on the open glass door and pushed past the billowing curtains to reveal yourself. Regulus didn’t turn around. You joined him on the balcony, sliding into the spot next to him as you rested your cheek against the cool metal of the railing.

“Fancy seeing you here,” you teased. Regulus didn’t smile.

Now, with you so close, you could see all the details in his face more clearly. The pain you had mistaken for calm flooded his face and soon washed over you. Your stomach turned with an ache for his wellness.

You knew he wasn’t one to talk about his feelings, not when he was stone cold sober, so you untwisted the cap and sloshed the liquid around before passing it to the boy next to you, deciding he should get the first drink. Regulus winced at how much he slugged back but didn’t falter, continuing to drink until amber liquid spilled down his chin.

“Easy there,” you whispered, cautiously easing the bottle away from his lips. Regulus grunted in discontent before allowing you to pry the bottle away from him, your hands slipping over his like it was the most natural thing in the world.

Silence with Regulus wasn’t unusual, but silence when he had something to say was unsettling. He had only completely lost it once, when Sirius moved out and ran off with some girl he met at one of the balls his parents hosted. He did it all with telling his younger brother. And although Regulus spat Sirius’s name with venom he had inherited from his environment, he loved him, and his running away cut so incredibly deep Regulus didn’t know how to control himself.

So really, you could only prepare yourself for the worst.

“It’s a lovely night out,” you began, nudging Regulus with your shoulder. He shrugged. “What a shame it’s just for us.”

Glancing out of the corner of your eye, Regulus frowned. That disquieting look reappeared on his face, although a tad bit more melodramatic than before. Regulus snatched the bottle from you and took a quick swig, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand with reckless abandon, your nerves thrumming.

Regulus finally— finally— turned to look at you, his cheeks reddened in a healthy flush from the alcohol. His shoulder brushed against yours and you looked up, your face nearly colliding with his. Unconsciously, you sucked in a sharp breath and consequently inhaled the scent of the burning liquid off of Regulus’s breath.

“Do you think I’m a good person?”

“Yes,” you answered with no hesitation. He blinked in shock. “Yes, Reg, I think you’re wonderful.”

He sat in silence, studying your face for a tell while you allowed yourself to get lost in his eyes. The moonlight passed over them, giving the deep chocolate brown a plethora of shades and his long lashes cast a nearly invisible shadow which you wouldn’t dare miss.

After what felt like an eternity, Regulus turned his body to unbutton his vest, promptly pulling out a small stack of letters. He dropped them on your thigh with a look of horror before pulling his gaze away.

Before you could ask what they were, Regulus answered you. “They’re letters from Sirius.”

Your eyes bulged. Raising the letter up to your face, you glanced at the contents before shuffling to the next one. “These are all from when he left. Where did you get these?”

“Mum’s dresser. She asked me to get her perfume and I found them in there, hidden.” 

Regulus made a limp movement to get the letters back, accidentally slapping them down on the floor between you two. He huffed with frustration as he went to gather them, only picking up a few letters at a time. Regulus ran a hand through his perfectly done hair, freeing it from some of the gel which held it in place.

“She ran away with him, you know,” he began. Regulus looked up, scanning your face for something you couldn’t quite describe. It was deep and introspective, like a man looking at his reflection. “They were so in love they ran away together. I wish I was loved like that.”

You weren’t entirely sure what you and Regulus were. Friends, or something more, you hoped. So that’s why you simply said, “You are.”

His eyes snapped up to meet yours, staring into them for an explanation. He attempted to peel away as he chuckled softly to himself, making you purse your lips in defiance. “No, no,” he started, waving you off, “I mean, I wish I was loved the way Sirius and his girlfriend love each other.”

“You are.”

The silence hung heavy in the night fog. Although you managed to look calm, your heart felt like it could have beat out of your chest. But you knew, somewhere deep in your heart, you didn’t regret your confession for a second. It needed to be said, so it was. And if he didn’t feel the same you wouldn’t have to go on pretending you and Regulus weren’t friends anymore, it would just become normal.

“(Y/L/N)!” a shrill voice shrieked from the horn in the room behind you. “You are required in the parlor!”

You nodded like the caller could see you, gathering yourself and leaving Regulus alone once more. You didn’t dare look back, too fearful he’d see just how vulnerable you were. Yet, the silence wasn’t much better.

***

Typically, you hated checking the portkeys at the end of the night, making sure there were no more left in case a muggle accidentally took one. However, that night you couldn’t have been happier to offer. You needed the fresh air. You needed to be away from that place. You needed to be away from Regulus. So when you descended into the deep blue night, the last thing you wanted to hear was Regulus calling your name from behind you.

“What are you doing?” he called through heavy breaths as he caught up to you.

“Checking portkeys,” you answered curtly. You took a sharp turn down one street, cutting him off and hoping he’d get the message. But of course he didn’t. Regulus continued to follow you, hands clasped behind his back as he watched you intently. “Stop following me.”

“I would if you were going the right way.”

Your steps faltered. Didn’t you go down this street earlier? No, you were definitely in the wrong place. Huffing, you turned around and tried to maneuver around Regulus but he blocked your way.

“What are you doing?” With a cross of your arms, you looked the boy over for the first time in hours.

“Trying to get you to slow down.” Regulus planted his hands firmly on your shoulders and guided you towards a bench beside you, overlooking the skyline of the city. “Look, (Y/N), just look for one second. Look at how lovely this night is.”

It was unfair how beautiful the lighting made him look. You had to catch yourself before you got too caught up in a lost cause so you directed your attention down towards your aching feet, peeling off the cramped shoes you were forced to wear. 

Finally, you decided to look up. Regulus was right: it was a lovely night. But lovely nights were made for loving people, and he had made it clear he wasn’t one of those people. Your mood instantly soured. The more you thought about the situation, the stupider you felt. You were asking Regulus Black, the “Pureblood Prince”, to love you back, a measly muggleborn butler.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t say it back.”

Regulus’s timid voice broke the silence and sent a sharp pain in your chest. You shook your head. “So, what? You thought taking me to look at the city would soften to blow?”

He perked up at that. “What?”

You scoffed, standing up, shoes in hand and venom in your veins. “I shouldn’t have expected you to say it back. I misread this, and I’ll take the blame for that to spare you. So can we please just drop it?”

Before he could even process what you had said, you were already walking away from him. Regulus scrambled to your side with a flurry of rushed pleas to make you sit and listen to him for just one second.

“You know what’s funny?” you started, a chuckle toying at your lips. Behind you, Regulus had silenced himself. “That I thought this would work out. I mean, come on, we have to take a look at ourselves for a second, Reg. We know who we are. We know our places. And my place is not with you.”

“Merlin, why not?!” Regulus shouted. Anger reverberated through the hollow street and you were near positive you could almost feel it. The corners of his eyes pricked with tears from frustration. You weren’t over him, you knew that, it was too soon, and seeing him in such a distraught state made you sick.

“What?”

Regulus ran his hands over his face with a shaky sigh. “I-I’m sorry, I don’t mean to shout, and especially not at you. You don’t deserve to be shouted at. I just can’t hear about ‘our places’ again.”

Taking cautious steps towards him, you asked, “Again?”

Regulus sunk into a squat and rested against the pavement, evoking a quiet gasp at the cleaning his elves would have to do to his dress pants. “Amalina thought you might fancy me and told my mother. For two bloody weeks she gave me lecture after lecture about how it would be sickening if I even thought about being with someone of your…”

“Oh.” You sunk to his level, relaxing against the emptied street next to him.

“But I realized how much what she says doesn’t matter.”

Your eyes flickered up to his, wide and full of hope. “Reg, do you know what you’re saying?”

Regulus laid on his back, you following suit, staring up at the night sky. He subconsciously took your hand in his and began to trace the constellations against you with his thumb, sending sparks flying through you. 

“I do, I promise, I do. When I found those letters from Sirius, everything felt very...obvious to me. I think I might love you.”

Much to your dismay, you inched your hand out of his as you sat up, causing him to turn his head to look in your eyes. “Please don’t say that. I know you miss your brother but pretending you’re him isn’t the way to get him back.”

“I’ll admit, I thought I was doing that, too. Our love is different than theirs— it’s been there all along. And I quite like our love.”

You waited for him to look up at you, searching for the sincerity in his eyes. Regulus smiled sweetly at you, making your stomach flutter and nerves thrum. Laying back down next to him, you once again took his hand.

“What’re we going to do?”

“I don’t know.” The raven haired boy frowned. “But I think I’m prepared for it.”

As you leaned your head on his shoulder you realized lovely nights were made for loving people, and perhaps you were one of them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

if you’re crossed out i couldn’t tag you!!

tags: @aspiringsloth02 @dreamy-clousds @nuttytani-reblogs @anyqueen008 @lunalovecroft @pandaxnienke @for-bebbanburg

[midnightmusings-et-moi]

low and behold, mother nature

James Potter x Lily Evans fluff

Warnings: lily is on her period! Mentions of period blood stains and cramps, angry Lilly oops

Lily’s eyes shot open as she felt a sharp pain bloom in her abdomen. What was that she thought sitting up in her bed. And then she felt the worst pain in her abdomen- like someone had taken a dagger, stabbed her hilt deep and was slowly twisting it. Her face contorted in pain as she yelped out in agony.

Finally realization hit her when she felt something moist in her pants. Oh no. Mother Nature decided to pay a visit. She groaned and threw a pillow at the wall in frustration. Why now when she was over at her crush-who-she-didn’t-want-to-admit-she-liked-but-DEFINITELY-did-like’s house?

Lily got off the bed and peeled the comforter back to see a very large patch of blood on the beige covers that Mrs. Potter had washed yesterday.

Just then someone threw the door to her room open and in jumped James Potter, his hair messier than usual, still in his sleep attire and clutching a wand in his hand. “Lily are you alright?” He questioned urgently “I heard a shriek from your room.”

Lily had frozen in pure horror and embarrassment. Her cheeks blazed red and she jumped in front of the bed, attempting to hide the stain from the perplexed boy in front of her. “HAVE YOU NOT HEARD OF PRIVACY AND KNOCKING YOU BLOODY FOOL” she yelled at him in rage. James just blinked a few times, his eyebrows furrowing in further confusion over his sleepy eyes.

“UGH WILL YOU GET OUT!” She yelled again attempting to push him out of the door but not being very successful since he was twice her height. And then suddenly James’ face washed over with understanding as his eyes met with the stain on Lily’s cotton pyjama shorts. “Lily your uh shorts they’re um....bloody” he said softly, not sure exactly how to address it since she obviously didn’t want him to know about her conundrum.

Lily’s face turned the colour of her hair- in fact even more red if that were possible. She stopped trying to push him out of her room, rather she just stood there unsure of what to do in her state of complete embarrassment. She hadn’t even packed any tampons or ibuprofen because her period wasn’t supposed to come this early. And if things couldn’t get any worse, another stinging pain shot through her stomach, forcing her to drop to the ground and clutch her stomach, rocking back and forth.

James was very unsure about what to do. He had never encountered a situation like this before. It’s not that he was disgusted in any way- he may be immature but not to the point where he would find the workings of nature repulsive. He just didn’t know what to do.

Lily felt tears prick her eyes. How stupid did she look in front of James right now rocking back and forth like a maniac with bloody shorts? He was probably laughing at her internally.

However to her surprise James sat on the floor beside her and cautiously put an arm around the scarlet haired girl, bringing her closer to him. “Don’t worry, I’m right here” he reassured her in a low whisper.

Lily looked up at James, no longer embarrassed because she realized that he didn’t care that her uterus was bleeding causing her to act like a complete psycho. “I didn’t bring tampons, James”

“That’s alright, I’ll get my mum I’m sure she has some”

“And um....the sheets are stained too I’m sure there’s a spell to make it go away but I just can’t remember it” Lily said closing her eyes in concentration.

She felt James’ arm leave her and when she opened her eyes she saw him standing over her bed with his wand which was aimed at the red blotch on the covers. It slowly contracted until it completely disappeared, leaving the sheets beige like before.

He looked back at her and gave her a soft smile and reached his hand out to Lily so she could stand up. She took it and stood up and looked down at her shorts. “I’m gonna change” she said looking up at James again. “And ill get my mum, she’ll surely have whatever you need”. Lily nodded at him gratefully, giving him a little smile before turning to the bathroom.

“Oh and I’ll tell the boys we’re staying in today. I’ll convince Sirius to do his impression of mad eye moody and Remus can make his infamous hot chocolate for us.” James said opening the door to Lily’s room.

“James...you had planned going sledding today I don’t want you to cancel because of me really I want you to have fun on the last day of our holid-“ Lily replied before she was interrupted by James.

“No lils I want to stay in today and make you feel better- those cramps can’t be pleasant at all and who said I won’t have fun watching Sirius being ridiculous” he said winking at her and grinning wide before closing the door to her room.

Lily’s heart swelled with adoration for the boy and this time her abdomen swarmed with butterflies instead of knives. “Lils. I like that. I like that a lot” she murmured to herself.

[stellarboystyles]

serendipity

ahhhh she’s finally done!! now i can rest my weary soul. thank you to my lover @bfharry​ for putting this lovely event together, and i’m sorry this late, i’m a mess.

7k pining, fluff and smut

friends to lovers college au // trigger warning - mentions of illness, family death and childhood trauma, mentions of alcohol use.

She was reaching as high as she could, desperately trying to get to the book on the shelf that was much too high for her to reach. She turns to Harry, who’s smirking down at her with crossed arms.

“Need a lift, sprout?”

She gives him a look of eloquence. “Please.” 

She giggles as he dips down, wrapping his arms around her legs and lifting her up. Now, she’s happily at eye level with the desired shelf. 

Her fingers skimming over the spines of all the hardbacks sitting comfortably on the wood surface. E...F...G...H...

“Found it!”

Once her eyes lock on the title, she pulls the book out as fast as she could.

“Okay, let me down.” 

“Sure? Don’t like the view from up there? Know you’re not used to it-”

“No, now let me down before I bruise you like the peach that you are.”

“Ouch.” he snickered, setting you back down onto the ground beneath. “S’harsh.”

“Deserved it.” she teased before he sticks out his tongue in a playful response. 

“What d’ya need the book for?”

“It’s for that analysis we have to do for poetry class.”

He blinks at her once, eyes widening slightly. “What analysis?”

She giggles at his expression. “You didn’t read your emails, did you?”

“Fuck!” he exclaims, voice slightly above a whisper, but it was enough to agitate the other students in the library who are trying to either study or get their own work done.

“Shhh!”

“Sorry, sorry.” he apologizes to the people around them before Y/N puts a hand on his bicep and he leans into her to hear her whispering words.

“You just have to pick a poetry book, analyze it, make a conclusion, all that stuff.”

“So it’s like an essay?”

“Kind of.” she follows Harry as he starts to examine the shelves for a book himself. “You know how Greene is, he’s super chill. He wants it to be more of a review, what you think of the book and the author.”

“So, like a review.”

She blinks at him. “That’s what I just said.”

“M’tired, gimme a break.” he sighs. “He never challenges us in that class.”

“I guess not.” she shrugs. “Easy grade, right?”

“Sounds like it.” he gives a casual nod. “When’s it due?”

“Tuesday.”

“Sweet.” he nods, eyes skimmed across the shelves before landing on a cornflower blue hardback. Harry chose books by their cover a lot. Not metaphorically, just literally.

“Ready?”  

He nods again. “Yeah, let’s go.”

Once they’d both gotten their book signed out, they started down the path across the patch of grass, making their way to their next class that they had together. 

“So you really didn’t check your phone all weekend?”

He shakes his head. “No, my phone was off ‘cos Gem was visiting over the weekend, remember?” he taps on the side of her head with one finger. “Helloooo, earth to Y/N, you were there.”

“Quit it!” she scolds, swatting his hand away. “Yeah, I think I remember her. She’s the least annoying Styles’ sibling, right?”

Harry unexpectedly clutches his chest, wincing in pain. “Ouch, ow!”

Panic rushed through her, the first thing popping into her mind was that he was having an asthma attack. “Haz, are you okay?” she drops her bag onto the ground so that she can help him. “You’re scaring me, do you need your inhaler?”

He leans over, eyes squeezed closed. One hand is resting on his knee, the other still grasping at his sternum. 

“My ego...it hurts.”

As soon as the words registered, anger washed over her, jaw rippling before punching him in the bicep.

“You’re such a little shit.” 

“Oi, tha’ hurt!” he laughs, which makes her even more angry, whisking her bag off the ground and walking away from him as quickly as possible. 

He lets out a lighthearted sigh before starting to jog up to her. “C’mon, wait up.”

“Go away.” she grumbles, quickening the pace of her steps towards the building that their next class was in. Her hand was less than a foot away from reaching the door, about to push it open but she was no match for his longer legs as he jogged to catch up with her.

“Hey, hey.” he manages to get her hand in his grasp. She turns around in his grip, eyes fiery with vex. 

“What.”

“C’mon, don’t be like that.” he frowns, moving so that he’s holding both of her hands in his as he stood in front of her. “Please? M’sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.”

She crossed her arms over her chest, leaning against the brick wall behind her. “Yes you did.”

“Let me make it up to you?” he offers, resting his palm on the rough surface above her head. 

“Whatever you want.”

The pounding heartbeat in her ears is deafening, but the prank that he’d just pulled wasn’t quickly forgotten.

“I’ll let you know when I think of something.” Pushing herself off the wall, she turns and pushes the door open to the classroom, leaving a sad Harry behind. He trudged along behind her, silently moping before sitting next to her. Not even a minute after they sat down, Harry was leaning over to her, trying to get her attention. 

“Y/N, please.” he whines, laying his head on her shoulder. “M’sorry.”

The butterflies in her stomach were crumbling her resolve, and she lays her cheek on top of his curls. “It’s okay.” he can hear the smile in her quiet voice. He peers up at her, an endearing smile beaming back at her.

“Not mad at me anymore?” he clarifies, voice filled with hope.

“How long have we been best friends?” she laughs. “Y’know I can never stay mad at you.”

“We were babies, don’t you remember?” he snickers. “Like, actual babies.”

Neither of them really remember. 

Harry and Y/N’s parents had been neighbors and friends for years before either of them were born, and when Harry was almost two, they’d given birth to a beautiful baby girl.

“Harry, look.” Anne coos to her son as he sits on her lap. “See the baby?”

He stops playing with his teddy, toddling over to the sound of his mummy’s voice and he’s so fascinated, probably because he’s never seen a real baby before. 

“I hold her?”

The new mum says “of course” before she gives her baby to Anne, now holding her in Harry’s lap. 

“I pet?”

He carefully lifts a chubby hand, places it on her tummy and pats gently at the pale lavender onesie. 

“My sweet boy.” Anne kisses the top of his head, smoothing out his blonde bangs.

Harry leans down and pushes a soft kiss onto her cheek, and it’s safe to say both mums melt at the sight. 

“They’ll be best friends for sure.” 

He looks up at the baby’s mum. “She seepin’?”

She nods with a smile. “Yeah, she's sleepin’.”

He gives her another kiss on her cheek before speaking again, this time in a hushed voice. 

“Night Night, baby.” 

“Our mums are never gonna let us forget that day.” he groans, twisting open the cap of the drink in his hands.

“Or that you had a crush on me.” 

He nearly chokes on his juice, making her split into a fit of giggles.

“Maybe I did.” he admits, leaning his elbows onto the desk. “So what?” 

“You definitely did, remember when you kissed me?”

His cheeks heat up at her teasing, arms crossing on top of the desk before laying his head down in embarrassment. He cracks one eye open at her laughing. “y/nnnn.”

When Harry was five and Y/N was four, he asked if he could kiss her, at school.

“You’re the prettiest girl in the whole world.” Harry tells her as his fingers draw in the dirt.

“That’s what my mummy and daddy tells me!” she cheers, and he may only be five years old but he knows that no other girl on the playground would happily sit in the dirt with him like she would. Her cheeks are resting against her hands and Harry thinks that they’re the cutest cheeks he’s ever seen.

“Can we kiss now?” 

She thinks for a moment before speaking.

“You can’t tell your mummy, because she might tell my mummy and we’ll be in trouble.” 

“Won’t tell anyone, not even Niall.”

Her eyes go wide with a gasp. Niall was his best friend, he must really mean business.

“Really?”

“Promise.” he holds out his pinky for her to squeeze.

Unfortunately for them, while Y/N was over next door at Harry’s for a playdate Anne caught them kissing in the back garden and they were both forced into the friend zone. Y/N was super sad, and Harry didn’t like that one bit, so he tried to make her feel better. 

“Don’t cry, someday when we’re grown ups we can kiss and hold hands anytime we want! We can be best friends ‘til then, okay?”

“The start of an epic friendship.” he reminisces, flashing her a wink. 

“Good times and bad.” she nods, and the mood drifts to sad silence.

“We’ve really been there through everything, huh?” he acknowledges, meeting her gaze. 

When Harry was twelve and Y/N was eleven, Harry’s dad left. Left his family with nothing and Harry was devastated.

“How could he? This isn’t fair to any of you.”

Y/N was standing in Anne’s kitchen listening to her painstakingly tell her what had just happened. He’d left while Anne was working and Gemma and Harry were at school, leaving the remainder of the family devastated. 

“I know darling, but we’ll get through this. I’m worried about Harry, he ran off. He was so upset. Do you know where he could be?”

“I’ll find him.”

* 。˚ ˛ • 。* 。° 。 * 。 • ˚  ˛ 。* 。• ° 。* 。 • ˚

Her mind and legs worked together to pedal faster than she ever had before through the park behind their street. As soon as she crosses the bridge she sees him. He’s sitting under their favorite oak tree, knees dew up to his chest.

“Harry!”

She throws her bike down and sprints to him, falling next to him.

He looks up, releases the grip on his hair and reaches out, grasping her hands and she quickly pulls him into a hug and she’d never held anyone so tight in her entire life. Her own hot tears started to fall from her face at the sound of his heartbreaking cries and she doesn’t know how long they stayed there like that, slowly moving her fingers through his curls as she held him. He let out a whimper when she forced his face out of her neck, cradling his cheeks in her hands. He looked so defeated and she had to use every ounce of strength in her body not to sit there and cuddle him against this tree all night. His mum and sister needed him, and he needed them. Her fingers brushed across his wet cheeks and he leaned into her touch as she repeated the action. 

“I’m so sorry, Haz.” another sob escapes him at her words. “You don’t have to talk about it. You can cry, scream and yell, whatever you want...but we gotta get home., it’s getting dark.”

“Don’t wanna go back there.” he shakes his head and tightens his hold on your shirt. 

“H, your mum and sister need you, and you need them.”

“I need you.” 

Y/N’s heart flutters and she’s not sure why, but she’s sure Harry can feel it because he’s still fisting her shirt. 

“I’ll stay the night at yours, my mum won’t care.”

“What about your dad?”

“He’ll get over it.”

Understandably, of course her father wasn’t too fond of the idea of his daughter sleeping over at her best friend’s house, because he was a boy. But she reassured her dad countless times that “boys were gross” so he begrudgingly allowed it.

They’d cuddled countless times, that night was no different. She held him, stroking his hair some more as they talked. The mood is lightened after awhile. Even though the healing process hasn’t even really begun yet. Harry was gonna be okay, because he had Y/N. 

“Gemma gets so jealous because she can’t have boys in her room.” he jokes, making her giggle. 

“She’s also fifteen and has a boyfriend.” she reasons. “We’re just best friends.”

“True.” 

Comfortable silence engulfed Harry’s room for a few moments, the vibe was mellow from each other’s presence before Y/N spoke again.

“It’s gonna be okay.” her voice was barely above a whisper, brushing the stray hairs away from his forehead. 

“You don’t know that.” he whispers, peering up at her. The moonlight shining through the window is enough to illuminate their faces while they talk.

“Yeah I do.” she argues softly. “It’s bad right now, but it’ll be okay someday. Promise.”

When Y/N was seventeen, her world came crashing down.

“Harry, can you come down please?”

He quickly put down his phone, shoving it into his pocket when he heard the urgency in his mum’s voice coming from downstairs. Ever since his dad left he’d grown closer to his mum and sister, more protective.

He rushes downstairs, finding her in the kitchen. 

“Mum? What's wrong?”

“I need you to go next door and check on Y/N, alright?”

His face fills with confusion and fear but Anne doesn’t give him any time to respond. 

“I just got off the phone with Rachelle, she and Will had gone out to dinner and he started to have some terrible pain. They’re at the hospital now, they did some tests…they found something and they think it might be cancer.”

Harry’s face falls.

“Oh God, Mum—”

“I know, baby, I know.”

“Does she know? She had to work after school today, does she know?”

“Her mum said she was going to call her once she’d gotten home from work.”

“She gets off at eight thirty,” he pulls out his phone and sees that it’s nine fifteen. “She should be home by now.” He briskly walks over to the window that faces Y/N’s house. 

“Her car’s there.” he reveals. “M’goin’ over there. I’ll be back.”

She agrees and without another word Harry’s at her front door. 

Locked.

“Shit, shit, shit.” he mutters to himself before remembering the spare key under the flower pot by the door. Once it’s retrieved, his trembling hands fumble with the piece of metal before successfully unlocking the door and pushing it open. As soon as he’s inside, he hears muffled crying from upstairs and it’s all he needs to hear before he’s rushing upstairs and down the hall to her bedroom. Normally he would never just walk in her room uninvited, but when he saw the white wooden door decorated with silver stars all over, he wasn’t going to stop until he got to her. As soon as he pushes her bedroom door open, the sight alone is enough to make him cry. He watches her yank her desk chair out, screaming as she throws it as hard as she could across the floor.

“Y/N!” 

He rushes to her, pulling her in the most protective hug he’s ever given. Her arms retreated to frightfully gripping the front of his shirt, knees buckling. They ended up crumpled on the floor, backs against the wall as he held her. Her gut wrenching cries were hushed by Harry’s embrace.

“Hey, hey—shhh. M’here, look at me, okay? Deep breaths, breathe with me, okay?” 

“I can’t, it’s too much. This isn’t happening, this isn’t happening.” her cries made his heart ache, all he wanted to do was make it better, but he just couldn’t.

Needless to say, they’ve been there for each other through everything. Y/N’s dad passed away later that year, leaving everyone devastated. Harry waited a year to go to college to be there for Y/N and her mum.

“Are you excited for NYU?”

She tried to sound happy for him, but her voice was laced with sadness. His back was facing her so she couldn’t see his face as he glanced at the sunset out her window.

“M’not going.” he admits, voice small and her jaw goes slack.

“What? What d’you mean you’re not going?” 

“Can’t leave you two here like this.” he turns around and tears are brimming his waterline. “Already talked it over with mum, and the bakery’s not really willin’ t’let me go yet.” 

“Harry.” she warns.

“Hey,” it’s alright.” he pulls her into a protective hug. “We’ll get everything sorted out, okay? It’ll be nice to take a year off from school anyway.”

His lighthearted tone isn’t enough to soothe her anxiety. “You don’t have to put your life on hold for me.”

“I’m not.” he promises. “We’ve been there for each other through everything, yeah?” he pulls away slightly, giving her a warm smile. “That doesn’t just stop because we aren’t kids anymore.”

“We make a good team.”

Her words warm his heart and he turns to her, nodding with a sweet smile.

“Yeah, we do, don’t we?”

* 。˚ ˛ • 。* 。° 。 * 。 • ˚  ˛ 。* 。• ° 。* 。 • ˚

Her.

Admire her.

Tell her how the crinkles in her eyes are like crescent moons, glowing when she smiles. 

Watch how she giggles at your jokes that aren’t funny, and how coy she gets when you’re sweet with her. 

She couldn’t help but get lost in books like this. Somehow they managed to capture everything she’s ever been through, and everything she’s struggling with now. It was torture, really, being in love with her best friend, seeing him everyday, hiding her feelings from him in fear of their friendship being ruined forever. She couldn’t even fathom if that horror were to become her reality, she surely wouldn’t survive the heartbreak.

Touch her. 

Tell her that the stretch marks that paint her skin are magnificent, and that her body is just one dazzling part of who she is.

Snuggle her with tender touches and soft fingertips, love on every curve of her body.

She found herself daydreaming at times like this—the midday sun beaming down on her through the window of the library as she sat in one of the lounge chairs, reading one of her favorite poetry books. She would think about how Harry would touch her if she were his. How he would caress her skin, what his lips could do, where his hands would go.

Adore her.

Cherish her. 

Her reading was quickly interrupted, her vision obstructed by a pair of hands covering her eyes followed by a familiar voice.

“Guess who.”

“Uh...Bigfoot?”

“Heeeey.” he protests, moving to sit in the lounge chair next to hers. “S’mean.”

She giggles at his pouting, squeezing one of his cheeks. “Poor baby.”

“Ouch.” he brought his hand up to his face to rub the sore skin. “Like beatin’ up on me, do yeh?”

“Just a little.” she winks. 

“Yeah, yeah.” he playfully rolls his eyes before turning his attention to the book in his best friend’s hands. “Whatcha readin’?”

Her heartbeat quickened as she realised that she had been caught, swiftly shutting the book and tucking it into her bag. “Nothing.”

“Nooo, lemme see!”

He didn’t give her another chance to respond, knowing her all too well. She shied away from his words, cheeks splashing with pink.

“C’mon, pleeease?” he frowns, nudging her arm with his elbow. He notices her apprehension, not wanting to push her.

“S’just me.” 

His voice is softer, giving her a fluttering feeling as he leans in closer. “Y’trust me, right?”

The close proximity made her heart thump in her chest. She gives him a slight nod before quietly replying. “Yeah.”

He gently bites down on his lower lip, his eyes flickering from her eyes, down to her lips.

Were they going to kiss?

“Why won’t you tell me what you were readin’?” he quirks with a small smile, tilting his head slightly. You can see the wheels turning. “S’it naughty?”

“No!” she gives him a look, as if to say stooooop, Haz.

He chuckles at her nervousness, patiently waiting as she keeps fumbling over her words, avoiding his captivating eyes. “No...no, no, it’s a...it’s just a book.”

“Obviously.” he blinks. “What kind of book.”

“Just poetry.” she mumbles, hoping he would drop the subject quickly.

“S’it for your poetry analysis thing? What kind of—”

“Harryyyyy.” she whines, hiding her face in her hands. 

“M’not doin’ anything! Can’t I be interested in what you’re readin’?” he defends, resting his cheek in his hand, elbow leaning on the arm of the chair. 

“M’only teasing.” he swipes his fingers across her heated cheeks as he speaks softly to her. “You’re bein’ so shy.”

It’s so adorable, he thinks to himself. 

“You don’t have to show me if you don’t want to.” he reassures. “M’starving. Did you still wanna go to lunch?”

She perked up at his question, the book in her bag eventually forgotten, just as she wished. “Please, I’m so hungry.”

“Can we get—”

“Chinese?” his face lights up. “Please please please?”

“We had that last weekend.” 

“So? S’the best food ever, and since when do you turn down chinese food?” he rests his head on the table. “I’ll help you with French Lit.”

“Compelling argument, I didn’t know you were taking a debate class.”

“So funny.” he rolls his eyes. “C’mon, please?”

* 。˚ ˛ • 。* 。° 。 * 。 • ˚  ˛ 。* 。• ° 。* 。 • ˚

“I love chow mein so much.” 

Y/N’s words barely register in his ears, let alone his brain as he admired the sight of her, eyes closed in bliss as she slurps another noodle.

She’s just so fucking cute.

“I love you so much.”

“What?”

He’s sure his heart had just dropped into his stomach and his eyes were going to pop out of his head. He hadn’t even realised he’d said it out loud! 

“Didn’t say anything.” he mumbles, mentally cursing himself after feeling the heat radiating off his cheeks. He avoids her gaze as he shoves another spoonful of hot and sour soup into his mouth.

“So how’s your story for creative writing going?” she wonders, twirling some noodles with her fork, because no, she didn’t know how to use chopsticks, and yes, Harry never missed an opportunity to tease her about it.

“Awful.” he pouts, to which she mirrors his expression. 

“You stuck?”

“Very.” he groans. “Just can’t seem to get the words out, y’know?”

“I’ve been there.” she nods. “Do you want some help?”

“Please.” he begged, giving her puppy eyes. “S’due next friday, been workin’ on it every night and still can’t get a single word out.”

“I think you just need to take a break, babes.” she offers. “Let’s have a sleepover this weekend and I’ll help you.”

He gives a sigh of relief, making her laugh. “You’re a gem. What would I do without you?” 

“Your life would definitely be less exciting.” she notes, taking another bite.

He was silent for a moment, probably thinking of a comeba—

“At least I know how to use chopsticks.” 

“You won’t teach me!” she pouts at his teasing. “Quit being mean.”

“Want me to teach you?” he perks, peering up at her.

“Yes.” she lets out a breathless giggle while nodding. 

He playfully huffs, slightly rolling his eyes as he moves to sit behind her on her bed. 

“Okay, so you hold them like this…”

* 。˚ ˛ • 。* 。° 。 * 。 • ˚  ˛ 。* 。• ° 。* 。 • ˚

Friday, October 12

Dear Diary, 

I feel like I’m going crazy. I keep trying to finish this story for my creative writing class but I keep getting distracted...all I can think about is him. I can’t help it, he’s all I ever think about. How am I supposed to write a romance fiction piece when all I can think about is how I’m in love with my best friend? Harry is charming and sweet and funny and genuine, any girl would be lucky to be his. How did I get myself into this mess? Harry would never like me like that, ever. My heart hurts if I think about it too much. Sometimes I feel like I should just tell him, bite the bullet, rip off the band aid and hope to God that our friendship isn’t ruined forever. In a perfect world,

Y/N drops her pen at the vibration of her phone.

Harry is calling…

“Hello?”

“We’ve known each other for how long and you still answer with hello?”

She lets out a breathless laugh. “Are you having a bad day or are you just making fun of me for shits and giggles?”

“Lil bit of both, yeah?” she can hear the cheekiness in his voice. “We still havin’ a sleepover this weekend? Might have to do it at yours, Niall’s havin’ a party and I doubt we’ll get anything done.”

She could hear the sheepish tone in his voice. “Oh no, if you wanna be at the party we can totally reschedule.” she offers.

Harry scrunches up his nose. “Need to get this paper done, m’never gonna finish it with all the noise.” he’s lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling.

“Besides, I’d rather spend the weekend with you.”

She feels her heart flutter at his admission, cheeks tingling with heat.

“ Okay...can you bring some snacks?”

There were no two humans on earth that loved fruit more than Harry and Y/N. so around fifteen minutes later, when Harry showed up to Y/N’s door with two smoothies, she melted like sugar. 

“Berry for you.” he hands you the icy purple smoothie in his left hand. “Strawberry banana for me.”

“Awh, thank you!” she gently pinches one of his cheeks. “You’re so sweet.”

“Oi, worse than my mum, aren’t you?” he rubs at the newly pink cheek. 

“No.” she defends. “C’mon, I’ll help you with your story so you don’t drag it out all weekend.”

“I resent that.” he mutters, sitting beside her on her bed as he flips open his laptop. 

“Do you have an idea of what you wanna write?”

“I have a little bit finished, now, about five thousand words. Wanna have a look?”

Y/N reads it over and it’s nothing short of a masterpiece so far. How can he be so pretty and talented at the same time?

“This is beautiful,” she gapes, turning to look up at him. “This is so good, H.”

“Oh, stop.” He sheepishly brushes off her praise. “Don’t think it’s bad so far, just need to come up with a conflict.”

“Just figure out what breaks your characters, what makes them the most vulnerable, what would completely crush them?”

“Losing each other.”

“More specific?” she tries, staring at the screen in front of her. “It’ll help with the details.”

“Rory’s afraid to tell Daisy that he’s in love with her.” he says. “He’s afraid that, if she finds out, it’ll ruin their friendship.”

Y/N’s lungs felt empty, like all the air had been sucked out by Harry’s words.

“Okay, um,” she gulps, trying to collect her thoughts. “So...write about that, and see where the story takes you.”

Three hours later

“Can we take a break?” he groans, laying back on the pillows of her bed. “M’starving.”

“Me too.” she pouts, fiddling with her hands. “Whatcha hungry for?”

“Mmm,” Harry thinks for a few moments before speaking up. “A veggie grill just opened up downtown, we should go there!”

“You’re making me crave nachos.” 

“You always crave nachos.”

“Why do you always have to call me out?” she whines, giving him a bashful glance.

“S’fun, innit?” he smirks, nudging her shoulder with his bicep.

“No.” she giggles, lying down next to him. “I’m gonna go get a shower then we can go.”

“Okay.”

An endearing smile adorned his face as she snuggled slightly into the soft pillows. Her eyes leisurely blink at him, falling closed after a few seconds.

“Sleepy?”

“Mhm.” 

“Thought you wanted a shower?” he hummed. Although, he wouldn’t mind staying here all night. “You can stay here, I’ll go pick up some food.”

“No, it’s okay.” she yawns, pushing herself up off the bed. “I’ll be quick.”

* 。˚ ˛ • 。* 。° 。 * 。 • ˚  ˛ 。* 。• ° 。* 。 • ˚

Harry gets bored easily, although his best friends room was much more lovely than his. He thinks his room is pretty basic; but Y/N’s room was much more charming. The walls were painted a pale ivory, decorated with fairy lights above her bed, which was dressed with a crisp white comforter and matching pillows. The knitted plum blanket that Harry had gotten her ages ago for Christmas was at the end of her bed. He vividly remembers when he had given it to her.

Her eyes were sparkling with joy as she pulled the blanket out of the box.

“Your mum helped me make it.” he mentions with a sheepish smile. “She was so patient, even though I had no idea what I was doing.”

“It’s beautiful.” she beams, pulling it close to her heart before looking up at him as they sat on the floor of Harry’s living room. “I love it.”

He gives her a soft smile, but he feels melancholic energy surrounding him. He keeps telling himself that he didn’t have a reason to be sad, because they weren’t together...but all he wanted was for her to be his. She was so cute, beanie snug on her head under the glow of the Christmas tree.

“Can I ask you somethin’?” 

To which she nods. “Of course.”

“Do you think,” his lips are pressed together in thought for a moment. “Do you think that fate is real?”

“Like kismet?” she cocks her head with a smile and he nods, breaking into a laugh.

“Yeah. Yeah, like kismet.”

“I think,” she takes a moment, fumbling with her hands before looking up at him. “Yeah, I think it’s real.”

Ten thousand words. Harry has to write ten thousand words by next Friday and he doesn’t have a single word typed out. Creative writing was supposed to be fun, and he had to write a romance fiction piece? Harry didn’t exactly thrive when it came to love. In fact, his love life was bone dry, to put it lightly. Other girls were...boring, compared to Y/N. Harry was charming and romantic and sweet and loving—but he didn’t want some random girl, he wanted Y/N to be his girl. Pining over her was his full time job, always has been.

He walks over to her desk, admiring the pictures that graced the wall just above. One of the photos that catches his eye is Y/N, probably about three or four, and her dad is reading her a bedtime story, her mum most likely being the one taking the photo. Sorrow washes over him, because it never gets easier, does it?

His eyes float to a few photos of Harry and Y/N laying  next to each other on their friend Jess’s parents house on the terrace. It was the first time they’d ever gotten drunk and they were trashed. The first photo is them attempting to sit up for a picture.

“You guys are so drunk.”

“M’not drunk.” Harry glances at Millie and Jess, who were behind the camera. “M’Harry! Who’s drunk?”

Harry’s rebuttal left both of them bursting into a fit of giggles.

“Haz, Jess wants a picture of us, pleeeeaaaase?”

Harry holds himself up by leaning back with one hand on the ground, the other arm slung around Y/N’s shoulder. He then turns to nuzzle his nose into her hair.

“Y’so pretty.” he murmurs drunkenly into her ear.

“Shut up, you’re drunk.”

“M’not, m’serious.”

 The last one from that night was them cuddling on the sofa at the end of their night, Harry’s face nuzzled into her shoulder as they slept soundly well into the afternoon.

His fingertips brushed across his favorite photo of them. They were working together at the bakery, and Harry had just traced his flour dipped fingertips in a line across Y/N’s cheek before she retaliated by sweeping some icing across the bridge of his nose. He grins from ear to ear at the memory.

“Hey Y/N, guess what?”

She turned around to face him when he abruptly drew a line with his flour dipped fingertips across her cheek.

Her jaw went slack at his bold action before icing was swiped across the bridge of his nose.

“Now we’re even.” that is, until she flicks some of the remaining blue icing from her fingers onto his face. 

“Aw, c’mon!” he wipes his face with his apron before narrowing his eyes. “Really?”

“You started it.” she pointed out and Harry gave her a shrug.

“I am so gonna get you back the next time we bake at my house.”

His eyes fall down to her desk, and he promises he didn’t mean to see it. It was his name, in her handwriting, written in purple gel pen inside an open book. Was it a journal?

Friday, October 12

Dear Diary, 

Shit.

He looked away for a moment, lip caught between his teeth. Should he read it? No, but he couldn’t help himself. 

I feel like I’m going crazy. I keep trying to finish this story for my creative writing class but I keep getting distracted...all I can think about is him. 

Him? Who’s she talking about? Does she like someone? The empty feeling in his chest isn’t a good feeling by any means. 

I can’t help it, he’s all I ever think about. How am I supposed to write a romance fiction piece when all I can think about is how I’m in love with my best friend?

All the color drains from Harry’s face. 

“Is she talking about me?” he murmurs.

Harry is charming and sweet and funny and genuine, any girl would be lucky to be his. 

His heart flutters at the mention of his name, aching at the next line. 

How did I get myself into this mess? Harry would never like me like that, ever. My heart hurts if I think about it too much. 

He felt like he was going to cry. How could this girl not know how much of a sucker he is for her? His heart thumped inside his chest and he could feel the heat radiating off his flushed cheeks.

Okay, don’t panic. Just calm down, don’t freak out.

He ran a hand through his hair, trying to process what he had just read whilst trying to decide what to do. Does he just tell her? Show her the page? No, she’ll be so angry that he read her diary, who does that? 

In that moment, he chooses to do the only thing that makes sense.

He listens to his heart.

* 。˚ ˛ • 。* 。° 。 * 。 • ˚  ˛ 。* 。• ° 。* 。 • ˚

She’d just hopped out of the shower when she heard a knock on her bathroom door.

“Hey, s’just me.” Harry’s voice clarifies through the wood. “Already ordered some food, m’gonna go and pick it up, I’ll be back.”

“I can go with you if you want-”

“No, s’okay! Be back in fifteen.”

And he’s gone.

After exiting her bathroom, she changes into some comfy clothes before deciding to read something from her book collection until Harry gets back. WHen she turns to go over to her bookshelves, she sees it.

A familiar lavender book, her diary, was lying open on her desk, and her heart sinks. Had he read what she’d written earlier? That must be why he was in such a hurry to leave! She probably scared him off. Y/N’s heart was racing as she stepped closer and realised that the page the diary was open to wasn’t written in her handwriting.

It was Harry’s handwriting.

Hi lovie, it’s Harry. 

I was too nervous to tell you this to your face, so I’m gonna write out my feelings. 

You’re my best friend in the whole world, and I absolutely adore everything about you. 

I love how you talk in your sleep, and yes, you do talk in your sleep. I know how much you love to snuggle when you’re sleepy or sad or you just want a cuddle...and how you still sleep with a night light on like when we were small. You always tell me it’s so you can see in case you need to get up and have a wee in the middle of the night, but I know it’s because you’re still scared of the dark.

She couldn’t believe her eyes. Was she dreaming?

I love how you crinkle your nose when you laugh, and how your smile glows like moonlight and how you play with your hands when you don’t know what to say. I love your love for books, and how much better your taste in music is than me. I love how you love to snuggle, especially when you’re...inebriated.

She giggles silently to herself, because he was so right. Not that he was any better.

I could go on forever, but I don’t wanna get caught writing this.

I am so in love with you, Y/N.

Love, H. x 

Y/N didn’t know how to feel. Her heart was warm, but she was so nervous. What does this mean for them? How will this affect their friendship? Hundreds of questions run through her brain until she hears a knock on the door.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck.” she whispers. “Okay, just... be chill, please be chill.”

Trying to calm herself down in a matter of seconds was pointless. Walking over to the door, she took a deep breath in before opening the door.

“Hi.” he blinks at her, letting out a light laugh before setting down the two paper bags in his hands. “M’back. They didn’t have the-”

“I read it.”

He avoids her gaze and he feels frozen by her words, digging his vans into the carpet.

“Harry.” she breathes. “Say something.”

His eyes flicker to meet hers, taking a step forward.

“I...I love you.”

Y/N feels like a weight has been lifted off her chest, like she just came for air after being kept under water for too long. 

“If this makes things weird, I’m sorry. I’m so fuckin’ sorry, but I love you to pieces and I-”

“I love you too.” 

His smile is pure joy before he takes her hand in his, pulling her closer to him.

“Can I kiss you?” he begs, almost breathless. “Please.”

She nods, and he cradles her cheeks in his hands, pressing a sweet kiss to her lips.  

His lips were so soft, moving with hers like they were made for each other.

Harry was sitting on the edge of her bed, her thighs straddling his hips and she sat across his lap. Her hands were in his hair, the fluttery tendrils twirled around her fingers. His hands are settled on her waist, slowly moving to her thighs.

“Is this okay?” he murmurs the serious question against her lips and she nods quickly. “Yeah.”

“Okay.” he breathes. “M’just checkin’.” 

“It’s okay.” she laughs breathlessly against his lips. “Everything's okay.”

Reluctantly, he pulls back slightly to look at her, searching for any sort of doubt, but there was none.

“Don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, okay?”

His voice is cautious. “M’not goin’ anywhere, ever. Don’t have to rush anything.”

“Just go with the flow, H.” she murmurs, sliding her hands up his clothed biceps.

“Sorry, who are you?” he raises his eyebrows, a baffled expression on his face. “Since when do you ever go with the flow?”

“A lot of things have changed today.” she confesses, hands resting on his shoulders. “Why not?”

They’d always felt so safe with each other, so now was no different. 

They both dived back into the kiss. Harry’s tongue swiped across her bottom lip, testing the waters before lips and tongue worked together to deepen the kiss.

“Wanna ride my thigh?” he wonders, mumbling against her lips. “Don’t have to if-”

“Yeah. yes.” she gulps, moving to slide her shorts down while he shuffles out of his jeans. Once they were both without pants, they didn’t waste anymore time.

“C’mere, darlin’.” he flicked his fingers, encouraging her back onto his lap.

“Just feel my touch.”

The tone of his voice was unbelievably hot, raspy and low as their lips continuously brushed. His hands grip her hips, guiding her movements.

“Feel good?” he suckles on her bottom lip, drawing a whimper past her lips. She’s rocking against his bare thigh, coarse hair stimulating her even closer to the edge.

“Feels so good, Harry.” 

Her moans are nothing short of melodic, chasing her orgasm through the lace. He pushes her t-shirt up, kisses are decorated down her neck until his mouth is on one of her breasts. She tilts her head back at the suckling sensation with another moan, and it’s so fucking intoxicating to Harry. His tongue flicks her nipple a few more times before lifting his head.

“Like that?” he hums, moving to cup her breasts. She nods and his thumbs start to tweak her nipples and she arches her back at the feeling.

“Harry.” she whimpers, gripping the material of his shirt in her fists. “Please.”

“Whatcha need, tell me darlin’.”

“M’gonna come, m’gonna come.”

He gives a thick moan, hands moving to hold her backside. “Know you are. C’mon angel, you can let go.”

His sweet words coax her through her orgasm as she’s coming down, and she feels like she’s floating.

“Did you like that?”

“Mhm.” she nods, her eyes fluttering closed as Harry’s hand brushes some baby hairs off her forehead. “Wanna keep going.”

“Jeez, at least let me take you out to dinner first.”

[wizkiddx]

...surprise

um okay so here I am trying angst again. this is kind of intended to be open ended bcos might have a part two at some point. im also lazy and has a few time jumps. also if someone could pls explain if you just get pics for the top of these off internet or credit on like gifs or something that’d be appreciated.

Summary: Tom comes home and everything is most definitely not the way he left, nor is it healthy

Warnings: please read with caution esp relationship with food / weightloss, but just generally a person in a bad bad head space, lots of self blame - then next parts will carry different warnings too

************************

Tom had been away for months. Months and months away from his girlfriend, separated entirely by his filming locations in Europe and America; while you were busy slowly and steadily climbing the ranks of your law firm. Being an intense period for the pair, you hadn’t managed to see each other in 2 and a half months.  Of course, both go you were used to this - 3 years deep into a relationship between an actor and a wanna-be lawyer- this was the name of the game.

But honestly? You both just kept falling deeper and deeper, making the separation harder to deal with - rather than getting used to it as one might hope.

That's why Tom felt such an incredibly overwhelming wave of relief as he dumped his bags just outside his front door. Even though he was exhausted from the travelling, just the mere act of finally phishing out his housekeys brought a massive grin to his face - caused particularly by the sight of his tacky little keyring from a Moroccan market that you’d bought him. That had been your first holiday. There’s that old saying that before you move in with someone go on holiday first - Tom understood it to mean you supposedly see all the bad and ugly stuff people can hide from each other, a prewiring before committing to living in the same space. However that holiday all he’d learned was incredible you are to him. To his dying day, Tom will never forget the moment he looked over to his left when the two of you were on this night time stargaze in the depth of the Moroccan desert. Y/n had never seen stars like it, the skies so incredibly clear and lit up with an array of magical blues and purples and whites on its sark background. The sight, for no unexplainable reason, had you completely opening up to Tom about things she’d never told a single soul. And in that moment he’d had this sort of realisation. Not about how much he loved her - because that is just the cliche thing everyone says… and also just wasn’t true.

In that moment he’d rather realised the potential. The sort of ‘I’m not there yet but I know you could become the centre of my universe’. The sort of ‘I’m not ready to say this yet, but I want to spend my life with you’. The sort of ‘at some point in my life I’m not sure my heart will be able to beat without yours’.

He still hadn’t quite got to explicitly saying all that yet, by asking you for the ultimate commitment. But he planned to now he was coming back to you.

Even with the chill of the early evening winter air, Tom was almost ecstatic as he unlocked the door and let himself in. He hadn’t told you that he was coming home, you thought he had another two weeks on the job, but Tom was a bit of an old romantic - he loved seeing your eyes fill with wonder as he surprised you in whatever way. Sometimes it was as simple as a note on the fridge, or a small bouquet from behind his back or as fancy as a surprise holiday.

However, this time, though it was only 6 in the evening, all the lights of their house were off making Tom raise an eyebrow as he quietly slipped off his shoes - not wanting to scare Y/n just in case.

Tom had sworn when he’d been on the phone with you the previous day, you didn’t have any plans tonight but perhaps maybe a spontaneous pub trip and been offered with work colleagues. The house felt a little cold as he padded through it, poking his head into every room just to check Y/n wasn’t there. His last port of call was the bedroom.

By this point, Tom was pretty resigned on the fact you were out and he’d maybe cook a meal for when you got back or hide about the house or something. But instead, when he poked his head around this door, he sighed in delight at the sight of a still mound under the plush white sheets. For a brief moment, Tom paused, before tiptoeing steadily round to her bedside. The light was still off but the hallway light illuminated the room enough so he could make out your soft features and the messy ball of hair that had been haphazardly thrown in a bun. Furthermore, he could also notice in the light the packet of painkillers and migraine tablets lying opened on the bedside - which made him freeze. Y/n didn’t get migraines often at all, but when she did Tom knew just how bad they could be. That explained the fact you were spark out at six o’clock, making Tom give a sympathetic smile. He crept back out the room with a little spring in his step, deciding that since he had had a long day travelling he'd grab a snack and join you. Unfortunately though, when he enthusiastically yanked the fridge open the sight was a rather depressing one. He didn’t really know what he was craving but the fridge contents were of almost no use to anyone. The place was bloody baron, apart from a tub of butter and of course his special beers that Y/n would never dare touch. With a small huff though, Tom resigned himself to some bread and butter, before getting ready for bed.

It was probably an hour later when Tom was carefully crawling under the duvet to settle in beside Y/n after the disappointing snack and maybe a solitary ‘welcome home beer’ - it would be rude not to. God was he excited to just have his girlfriend in his arms again though. So, Tom naturally reached over and powerfully yet gently pulled you back towards him - making your back flush with his as you mumbled something incoherent. Chuckling slightly at your apparent annoyance of being disturbed, Tom pressed a kiss to her temple before settling down momentarily.

But something wasn’t quite right, making Tom shuffle about a bit - ever adjusting huis grasp on your waist as he attempted to get comfy. With the migraine medications forcing you into a deep deep sleep you barely stirred and that just made the unease increase for Tom. Because you didn’t feel right. This didn’t feel right. Ever so slowly Tom started to peel back the duvet from your body from his now sitting upright position. Typically, Y/n was wearing one of his hoodies, however more concerningly it seemed to pool and collect around your frame more than normal.

Now, Y/n was never the most petite person in the world - by no means overweight, instead of beautiful curves and muscle. To Tom now though, it was as if someone had literally shrunk you - like a picture on a word document you needed to make narrower to fit the margins. Even in the dim light of the bedroom he know realised you looked pale. Honestly, Tom didn’t know how long he just sat there staring at you, until you sighed a little and pulled the duvet back up to just under your chin.

He didn’t know what to think or do. All he knew was you didn’t look well and that you hadn’t said a thing to him. Feeling so very uncomfortable within himself, Tom climbed out the bed and simultaneously grabbed his phone. He knew he had to call someone, to check that you hadn’t been ill - but then who to call? Someone that wouldn’t judge or instantly worry- your mum was completely off the cards. Also, he hadn’t even given you the chance to explain yet, so really he knew there was only a couple of options who were close enough to him too.

“Hey what’s up?” “Um nothing much, back in the UK though so-“ “Oh shit really! Kept that one quite bro” “Yeh well came back to surprise Y/n” “Oh you're soooo whipped” “Fuck off Haz, have you um… have you seen her recently anyway?” “You're asking me if I’ve seen your girl while you’ve been away?” “I’m being serious. You’re pretty much brother and sister and I’m -I’m a bit worried.” “What? You know she wouldn’t cheat especially with me” Haz’s tone turned less serious, using a goofy accent “ I know too much.” Haz still attempted to lighten the mood, this conversation very unexpected and making him grow more and more concerned himself. “Haz quit it. I’m worried she’s been ill. I’ve come in and she’s asleep with a migraine but there’s no food in the fridge and she’s skinny as hell.” “Fuck er sorry I didn’t realise. But um no she’s been cancelling on us for the past like two weeks cos like…I don’t know said she was just snowed under at the firm so” “But before then?” “No yeh she was fine. Went to the pub a couple times and she always drove so didn’t drink but nothing weird - think she wanted to keep a clear head. What are you thinking?” “I don’t know to be honest mate. She seemed fine on the phone but I swear to god she looks half the size  of what she was when I left.” “Just talk to her in the morning? She probably is just stressed if work has been mad busy.” Tom hummed in agreement, half trying to convince himself too. “Yeh yeh, sorry for bothering you.” “Oh shut up mate - I’ll see you both at your parents for the roast tomorrow? Sams got some new recipe I think, he’s been wittering on about it for days.” “Yeh we’ll be there, see you then mate.” 

After signing off to Haz, Tom placed his phone on the little table on the upstairs hallway and sighed. He knew he was being over-protective but he couldn’t help it. Y/n was always the one to care for him, in fact to care for everybody int he room and then some.

He’d get to the bottom of whatever this was tomorrow, and so the rest of the evening Tom spent rather unhappily get ready before bed yet again before climbing back in next to you.

///////////////////////////

Tom woke before you, a combination of jet lag and the worry in the pit of his stomach meaning he stirred awake first. Instinctively he pulled you closer and nuzzled his nose into the side of your neck as he slowly began to wake up properly - shrugging off the grogginess. Tom was still really excited for you to realise he was back, predicting you  to excitedly hug him ever so tight and then spend the morning between the sheets. He knew you found the distance tough, especially when all your closest friends were coupled off, it meant you just didn’t have ‘your person’. It was almost as if you were single again and instead of pining over an ex, hopelessly and completely in love with someone across the globe. But that just made your time together even more invaluable and precious.

So even with his slight unease at your slimmer silhouette, Tom didn't have any control over the loopy grin that came to his face as you started to stir and mumble something incoherent, all the while (and subconsciously) inching closer towards him. By the slight fluttering under your eyelid, Tom knew you were waking up and so took the moment to tuck your frizzy bed hair behind your ear. Sighing contently Y/n’s eyes fluttered completely open and Tom met your gaze with the most gently of smiles.

However, he then watched moment by moment as your expression morphed for one of peacefulness and content, through confusion, and ending at pure terror. He had barely thought of asking you why, before you yelped, throwing yourself up into a sitting position and backing as far away on the bed as you could from Tom. “TOM... I-you can’t be here! YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!” “Y/n hey what’s wrong-“ “GET OUT! G-GET THE FUCK OUT! YOU CAN’T BE HERE” you  yanked the bedsheets to completely cover your huddled up body, as if trying to protect yourself. At this point, tears were streaming down your face and what truly terrified Tom was the expression of horror in your eyes. He threw his hands in the air and unsteadily stumbled to his feet. “O-okay I’m-“ “GET OUT!!! YOU CAN'T SEE ME GET OUT!” Completely bemused and shocked, Tom just nodded jerkily -already halfway out the door and accidentally slamming it in haste.

He had absolutely zero clue what that was about. But what he knew for a fact? He’d never ever seen you like that… you looked so completely terrified… of him? Tom couldn’t for the life of him work out what the hell was going on, as he paced from the shut door to the hallway wall and back again, running his hand through his hair throughout. He could hear you sobbing and whisper yelling - presumably at yourself. It felt as though his heart was being torn out, seeing you that upset and it appearing as his fault? He was acting on pure instinct and adrenalin because your pain hurt him too. He had no control of the physiological response in his body, making his hands shake and breathing increase in speed as it inversely got shallower too.

And so he took a short inhalation, biting his bottom lip as he knocked on the door. “Y/n?….” He got no response after waiting a couple of seconds so tried again - because he could hear you trying to stifle your sobs. After another two failed attempts he opted for a different approach. “Y/n… I’m worried about you… look, I know your upset right now but I need you to let me know your okay… or I’ll have to come in and…and I don’t want to spook you” “Don’t come in.” It was a sharp reply, with a voice that was cracked and clearly trying to keep It together. “Okay… I-I’m sorry if my surprise of coming home was a dumb idea…I-I’ve missed you.” Tom tried speaking softly, as he knelt down and sat with this back against the wall while nervously fiddling with his watch strap that he’d forgot to take off last night. Again he waited for a response but got nothing, again having to warn you he needed to know you were okay. He heard movements from the other side of the door, making him turn his head to the left, pressing his ear on the cool gloss paint. “I-I’m sorry” You barely were whispering, but Tom could sense you were now sitting in a position mirroring his “You don’t meed to apologise love” Returning her tone, Tom sighed at the end - trying to get his brain to process what was going on.

Y/n wasn’t one to overreact and Tom could count on one hand the number of serious fights they’d had in the three year romance. And even then, he was the one to raise his voice - when she argued it was more reasoned, slow and controlled. Actually it was one of the things that in those moments infuriated him even more - you were just so level headed and sensible. Scratch that, sensible purely in this context - everywhere else you were just as loopy as him. So this situation felt so very alien. He didn’t know how to help you and he bloody hated feeling useless.

After a few moments, you replied to apologise once again, for shouting specifically,  and Tom nodded - not that you could see. But that was one of the things Y/n had taught him, sometimes you just have accept things - no matter the context. Accept he wasn’t actually a superhero and couldn’t do everything, accept that sometimes he could be a dick and out of line or accept an apology.

“Can you.. can you try and tell me why your upset? I want to help.” He was trying to be gentle, non-confrontational. But he knew something was so wrong. He needed to know so he could try and help out. “I…”Y/n began, but quickly trailed off, as if trying to formulate the words properly. “I’ve just been ill and” again another pause “and I haven’t been looking after myself very well. I just planned to be umm- to be better when you got back.”

It wasn’t a lie. It wasn’t really the truth either, at least not the whole truth. But it wasn’t a lie.

“I’m not sure I understand why your so worried about what I think though?” Tom inquired, as he started to fiddle with the door handle in his left hand - as if easing the idea of coming into his girlfriend without scaring you. In reply, you sighed again trying to put the words together without explicitly spelling it out to him. “I don’t- I thought you’d just be disappointed or-or think I’m reliant on you. I’m not and I can handle myself I just…. I don’t know.” “I love you, you idiot.”Tom chuckled at that, while standing up. “Can I come in now please? I promise I’m not disappointed just want to help you feel better.”

The door opened and no sooner could Tom take a step forward than Y/n ran into his chest, wrapping herself tightly around him in apology. He knew that he didn’t have the full story but really didn’t want to push her, more preferring to just love her. So that’s what they spent the rest of the morning doing, in their pyjamas and watching TV. Quite obviously, she wasn’t really making a lot of conversation, Tom filled some gaps with talking about filming - to which she’d hum in agreement or chuckle along. But for the most part Y/n was concentrating on something else.

The all-consuming guilt. That was what was eating away at her.

part 2?

[ulubionywuja]

tw: eating disorderd, eating  and weight - if you don’t wanna read this, don’t worry, I’m fine :)

Also I will not recommend reading this to people looking for any type of inspo - the chance of it all ending actually well is very very tiny. My mental health seems to be very very strong and it ended well for me - not sure if it will for you.

So this the story of my weight loss journey. A very crazy weight loss journey, 2012 to 2014. I NEVER had an eating disorder but definitely had a lifestyle similar to many people with ed. Well, less miserable. Much much less.

So it all started in spring 2012, when my mum took me to the dietician. I was very very happy about it - even at the age of 12 I knew that slow weight loss based on professional tips and recipes is the best option. I was weighted, proportions of fat, muscle, bone, water etc in my body were measured and after the visit they gave me a small book with recipes. I had to weigh my food, count carbs, protein, etc - pretty normal. The goal was to lose 2-3 kgs in a month.

(This is a good time to say this - I’m definitely a pro body positivity person - no one should follow beauty standards just because of it. If you have some extra kgs but it doesn’t affect your life and you feel happy - no need to lose weight! But I also think glorifying obesity is not ok - it can seriously lead to much more serious illnesses. I’m always against fat shaming -  It’s NEVER ok to shame people based on their bodies, especially now, when McDonalds is cheaper than vegetables in some places and some people don’t have many more choices.)

I started my journey very successfuly - I wasn’t hungry, everything went fine, I lost 2-3 kgs (of fat - I was in training to become a professional swimmer and as we know, muscles are heavier than fat. My body components were measured sepparately) per month. Aaaand summer fucked up all of my progress. I broke many rules of my diet because of summer fruits, especially watermelon - yes, I know it’s low in calories, but has way too much sugar, my diet wasn’t curated for that. I gained a bit, but surprisingly, my reaction was very mature - now 12, I was like “eh, my fault, I’ll just fix this, the world won’t end”. So I did. I was back on track.

In autumn 2012, precisely November 24th (I keep journals), I realised I basically became goth. I loved gothic lolita the most, victorian and romantic goth interested me too - but it was the early 2010s, how could you possibly wear alternative fashion and be overweight? (Note: yes you can do than, you don’t need to be thin to be goth! But that was my mindset at the time...) In early spring I became very determined to lose all of my excess weight - so determined in fact, I ditched the healthy diet curated by a doctor and took matters into my own hands - from around 1300 kcal per day I went to 500. I was totally looking at thinspo - mainly skinny gothic lolitas, skipping meals etc. No dairy, no fruits and no fats at all - please don’t do what I did, especially fats are important. I was also excercising 40 minutes every day + swimming trainings on Wednesdays and Saturdays - sadly my muscles became way too weak and after a while I had to quit the team - and I was the best swimmer of them all back in the day. That’s the saddest part for me, especially because my cousin was a multi medalist in swimming and her husband is in Poland’s volleyball team (he was in Tokyo Olimpics in 2021 for example). But ok, whatever - now I’m and oldie and honestly... Looking at my cousin’s hubby and his lifestyle as a professional sportsman - no thank you. Fuck that. But! The weight was dropping and that’s what I cared about. I felt kinda tired - obviously - but all of my goth / jfashion interests made my life really interesting. When reading my journals from that time, I almost never see anything about weight loss - it’s all pretty teacups, frilly dresses and oh no where do I buy cool goth clothes for summer? If I was bummed about anything, it was school - I was a good student, but good students have to study, and I hated that. Same goes for a facebook group I created with my friends - I only posted about music, tea (tea was a big one - not because of “drinking tea and that’s my lunch”, I was just way too into Kuroshitsuji), clothes and cool antiques I bought. I was never too mentally invested.

In August I was just as skinny as I wanted to be - all I’m gonna say is, I went from size XL to XS. Summer vacation was ending and I was so ready to go back to school and show everyone how good I looked. And let me tell you they noticed. Especially my PE teacher. I was getting a lot of compliments - from people that hated me too! And I hated them. But now I was the cool goth girl, and they looked... eh. (Not because of their weight, just bad fashion choices).

I was happy with myself, very happy, so now it was time to stop dieting - I did that gradually and didn’t gain a single kilogram. After that my weight changed a bit in 2016, but I liked the change - my figure is quite hourgalss-ish and around two new kgs looked good. Since then, no changes.

I know this is probably a controversial story - an unhealthy, very restrictive diet actually paid off and to this day I’m happy that I did what I did. If you have an ed and think, yes that’s some egospo for me - no mate. If you have an ed, that’s a mental illness - I wasn’t mentally ill. I learned a bit about eds from Of Herbs and Altars youtube channel (he has a history with ed and makes many videos on the topic), and from what I understand - goal weight doesn’t feel great if you’re anorexic or bulimic. And going back to normal is not a simple decision that you just make in math calss. Ffs I never had a goal weight! I just looked in the mirror - ok lookin good - that was it. I’m probably screaming into the void saying this, but don’t do what I did. Well, you can do what I did at the beginning and go to a dietician.

But yeah, that’s my story, I just wanted to toss it into the internet.

[leviiattacks]

Two Faced | Chapter Eight

↳ levi ackerman, the very person who was about to kindly behead you by a surprising turn of events manages to become your loving husband? you would be elated if this was true love, but it’s all thanks to a mysterious magic spell that your life is spared, for now at least.

pairing :: duke!levi x duchess!reader genre :: royal au ??? (at this point idek) angst, fluff, slice of life etc ?? word count :: 4.8k author note :: i’ve been very ill so yeah, not the best writing but i really can’t go that long without wanting to write so i ended up writing an update, i hope you enjoy it, it’s longer than usual :D sorry for any mistakes it hasn’t been proof read at all :-( → next part coming soon!!

“Hey, newbie you haven't spoke about your home town much have ya?"

You lift your head, verifying Reiner's suspicions with a nod. You recall he's the same distasteful blonde brute who made those snide remarks about Hange. He must be at least a towering six foot if his shadow is able to cover the majority of the Sun's rays from hitting you.

You would maybe bother to give him and his inquiry more attention than you currently are if he hadn't been so unnecessarily impolite during the morning speeches.

Calves yelping in stinging pain from the first tastes of the full time training regime you simply cannot find the effort to strain your mind with small talk.

Temples throbbing it feels as if a sword has been forced through the side of your head,  but that's not it at all. Reiner has thrown a small rock at you and you hear him chuckle under his breath.

Twisting your position so you face him you glare in displeasure.

Although you don't particularly enjoy the idea of joining Levi's unit and having to become a concealed agent of sorts you can't really take your pickings at how it is you wish to survive. You're going to have to deal with it and you've come to the stage of acceptance now.

However, you are not willing to respect the attitude some of these cadets are giving you, it's clear there's already a strong hierarchy in place.

Reiner just so happens to be one of the big guns from what you've been able to observe. He possess strong upper body strength and his hand to hand combat isn't a laughing matter either. That means he's higher up in the ladder of cadets, that's for sure. To top it all off you know you're not as powerful as other members in the team in terms of skill and he's probably silently making a mockery of you for it.

Pursing your lips you decide to play this game cautiously, asking him what it is he needs from you isn't the best option. You're aware he's after something, it's written all over his face. You practically know every deceptive look in the book off by heart. You suppose it's the only perk you got out of living in a noble household for most of your life.

"Why do you care?" You bluntly question him.

"Ohh, you're feisty. Might not want to butt heads with Annie."

"Not sure who that is but I don't plan on it."

Turning away from him it look like you're distracting yourself by collecting pieces of firewood. Trailing around you act as uncaring as possible to annoy him. You need to gauge this man's reaction somehow.

Your plan seems to be working in your favour because you're able to see his footing shift from his natural stance, it looks as if he's about to risk charging at you due to your vulnerable position but you rotate again offering him a knowing smile.

You don't tell him you're conscious of his suspicious nature but if he's quick witted enough he'll be able to figure out you aren't a threat and apparently don't have a clue what it is he's up to. The only reason he'd even consider attacking you would be if he saw you as an issue. For now your act should at least keep him at bay.

"Fine. I'll tell you about my hometown, I'm just..." You pause to make yourself look believable and proceed to look up at him through your lashes, you dart your gaze away and awkwardly scratch the back of your neck exuding coyness.

"I'm incredibly homesick. I miss mother. I always made supper for her, now I can only pray she's not eating burnt chicken." Your act has to be working because his eyes soften and he takes half of the firewood in your arms offering to help you carry it.

"My mum's a great cook, can't relate squirt."

"Who you calling squirt?" You playfully snap back.

"I call everybody that, even Captain Levi... Well, when he isn't around to hear it."

You bite the inside of your cheek at the mention of the Levi's name.

“So you and the Captain? What’s that all about?” His question makes no sense at all, one minute he wants to prod and poke in your personal home life yet the next minute he's asking questions about Levi. The doubts you have surrounding him only thicken.

You take a moment to consider his question,

“Whatever do you mean?” Clueless, you're delivery is excellent. Acting naive is easy enough, everyone within the corps has already decided that's what your automatic disposition is.

Reiner gives you a skeptical look then smiles faintly, “Glaring daggers at Jean after he got handsy with you?”

You cover your mouth with your free hand and laugh so hard the firewood nearly flies out of your grasp.

“Me and Jean are friends, and Levi? He just wanted to find a reason to get mad at us probably.” You hope the explanation suffices because you truly have no idea why Levi had done what he did.

Reiner hums in approval at your answer but he then grins.

“You on first name basis with the Captain?”

Fuck, you called him Levi.

Play it cool.

“Huh? When have I ever said his first name?” Clueless. Your delivery is still perfect.

“Just now.” He fires back, Reiner doesn't seem to be letting up but he doesn't know how smooth of a liar you are.

Living with your father for all those years conditioned you in ways you hadn't even noticed until quite recently.

“Did I? Pardon, I didn’t mean for it to slip out. Sometimes I silently curse him out in my head and forget to add his title.”

Your acting is impeccable, Reiner has no reason to doubt you. As you expect he doesn't instead he shifts the conversation to his hometown, just like you he doesn't explicitly mention a name. Reiner is sharp but he hasn't noticed the way you've left a name out just like him. He's terrible at catching out his own kind.

You decide at that moment that Reiner Braun is a liar. The accusation is more of a hunch meaning more investigation is required.

You won't inform any of the higher ups about it just yet.

The walk back to base is filled with excruciatingly troublesome small talk and you make a mental note to take Mikasa along with you next time it's your turn retrieve the firewood.

You can't afford any more close encounters with Braun or any of his possible accomplices.

Sniggers batter your ears as soon as you step foot onto the grounds, you have a sixth sense when it comes to spiteful bad-mouthing and after the abysmal day you've had you anticipate there will be unpleasant commentary.

"Seen the way Y/N ruined the assault course today?"

"We're the finalized cadets across all the regions of Paradis. That means we have to rely on that embarrassment to fight titans."

"Good Lord, someone have mercy on our souls."

Fellow cadets press on in their criticism thinking you aren't within earshot. That, or they purposefully aim for you to pay attention to the disapproval they have of your presence.

But, you do understand where they're coming from. You make another mental note - practice a bit more later today.

The gossiping isn't anything you're unfamiliar with, your father's palace never offered kindness to you or your existence. In fact it's rather comforting being talked badly about behind your back.

That statement sounds absurd but you can't explain it. Maybe it's due to Levi typically hurling his unnecessary remarks right at you without warning. Then again he does provide everyone with that treatment, even Commander Erwin.

As you hurry away increasing the distance between you and your loud mouthed team members you spot Levi from the corner of your eye. He's in conversation with Hange but you notice how his jaw is clenched in frustration, you feel a pinch over your skin when he spares you a fleeting look. Eyes acquainting yours. Paying  no attention to him you walk away as fast as you can.

The cadets only blow up in volume now, they definitely want you to hear what they have to say.

"Maybe we should ask the higher ups to throw her ou-"

"Questioning authority? Pesky mutineers aren't you?" Levi's booming voice shakes anyone within a five metre vicinity, he comes out of nowhere and seems nothing short of furious.

"You're all," He continues, voice rising, "Incredibly spineless aren't you?"

One of the cadets embellishes their face with a scowl, it doesn't go unnoticed by Levi but he astonishingly doesn't lash out, physically at least. His deathly glare is more than enough to finish the job.

Stupidly you suffer feeling your heart palpitate in your chest watching him talk to the group of three. Stupidly, you're getting your hopes up again.

He scoffs coldly, "If you're all talk why not offer to duel her?"

It doesn't take long for your heart to stop throbbing with its previous intensity. You know it was too good to be true. Levi suddenly defending you that is.

The gesture isn't done to protect or shield you. No, you're sure this man loathes you and is intending to persist on making your life as bleak and dreary as possible.

"Up to a battle Y/N?" The unnamed blonde cadet's scoffs in derision and you find yourself wanting to punch her square in the jaw.

Irritation sears through you but you meekly shake your head mumbling a weak "No thanks.", you're much too afraid to duel anyone just yet and you don't remember her from the training sessions. She must have been in a corner keeping to herself.

With all that being said and done you pathetically withdraw, and just like the past few days you sense Levi's piercing gaze erupting into your soul.

The blistering Sun hits every nook and cranny of the training ground. Waking up early already has you wanting to pass out and the heat isn't any help.

The crowd of cadets mumble in fatigue but observant Mikasa jabs you in the shoulder pointing out how far away Jean has stood from you.

You feel guilty that Jean had to suffer through the humiliation tossed at him yesterday but you are grateful to not deal with his constant questioning and talkative self this early in the morning.

All the way at the other side of the throng of soldiers he stands with Bert, who might you add is a mammoth of a man.

Through some digging (more like asking Mikasa) you've discovered he's close with Reiner and the blonde cadet from yesterday's confrontation, turns out she's the Annie that Reiner warned you off.

"ATTENTION!" Hange sing songs at the front of the training ground. They're jumping around along with Squad Leader Mike checking if everyone's in the correct uniform - Apparently the year prior a cadet showed up wearing a thick cardigan and fainted from heat stroke...

“Today’s exercise is a time to redeem yourself!” Hange’s eyes dart towards you and you smile at one another.

“A FIGHT TO THE DEATH!”

Everyone murmurs looking at each other in pure confusion.

“A fight up against another person. Whoever wins their individual fights will receive extra special privileges." The explanation seems simple enough and you’re confident that if you’re put up against the right people you can make it out safe.

The promise of a reward is also enticing.

The 104th Training Corps are thrilled, there’s nothing too hazardous about the task and it’s nothing difficult to ask for. Even you’re looking forward to it. The chance to rescue your reputation has you pumped up with adrenaline.

“My, my my. Don’t excite yourselves just yet little hens, there’s a pretty little catch.” Hange's voice is laced in mischief. This can't be any good.

Everyone stops breathing in unison and it’s pin drop silent.

“You must cause harm to your opponent in some way. Whether it be making them faint, breaking an arm, breaking a leg. There are no rules when it comes to playing dirty!”

With a playful shrug of their shoulder Hange hops off the podium.

Squad Leader Mike pulls out the list of competitors. He’s decided the line-up on his own and begins the announcement with Bertholdt.

“BERTHOLDT HOOVER..."

Bert turns to look back at Reiner hesitantly and for such a giant it’s adorable how worried he is when everyone else is perturbed thinking about the poor individual who has to go up against him.

"AGAINST Y/N L/N!"

The crowd falls silent and your mouth is wide, this is unjust there’s no way this is allowed.

“Hey, don’t you think that’s kinda unfair?” Krista speaks out for you even though Ymir is by her side trying to talk her out of getting involved.

“She stands no chance against him.” Reiner is supporting your cause too.

Mikasa takes a step forward. “I agree, it’s not right, may I take her place instead?”

“No, no! It’s alright, I’ll go for it.”

Honestly you don’t want the corps to see you as a coward. Bravery and courage is what brought everyone here. Your story is different. You’re here to selfishly save your own life, you aren’t anywhere near as valiant as the rest of them. The very least you can do is partake in activities correctly.

Stepping up to the podium you stand by Bertholdt he gives you a pitiful look whilst he mutters an apology.

Mike continues announcing the names. A few include Jean against Mikasa (Jean may as well forfeit), Marco against Annie and Connie against Reiner - that pairing eases you. At least you aren't in this alone. You and Connie stand no chance against those beasts.

Everyone lines up in their separate areas and again Bertholdt is profusely apologizing asking if you want to fake faint or anything of the sort. You shake your head and promise to give it all you've got.

And then the games begin at the sound of the bell, and damn that Bertholdt because he isn't keeping to his end of the bargain. He lunges forward viciously aiming to crush your entire body but you swiftly dodge, he tries the same approach but when you duck out of the way again he stops knowing he needs to rethinks his strategy.

"Just give it up I'll win either way."

Well, the Mister nice guy act was definitely a believable performance. He was so convincing you even contemplated feigning unconsciousness when he proposed the idea to you.

Bertholdt is much slower than you giving you more time to deliberate your incoming moves. If you can get him to edge close enough to a nearby tree and deceive him into colliding with the oak trunk you should win - only on the condition that he passes out.

The scheme is far-fetched but it's your only hope.

Dashing from various corners he flies after you, each time unable to catch up to you.

That is until you stumble and lurch to the ground. The wind is knocked out of your lungs and you panic when a large hand clutches at your ankle. Your solution? Booting him right in the teeth.

However with an earth-shattering amount of force Hoover's hold on your ankle doesn't weaken. Instead he tightens his hold like a vice. You feel it bruise and the violet discoloration that'll be present in a few hours makes you wince.

Entire body going limp on command, you stop yourself from breathing - another talent you picked up back at the palace to avoid extra beatings.

When you no longer thrash around Bertholdt stalks in to check in on you and as expected he’s now towering over you, blood overflowing in terror.

"SQUAD LEADER HANGE, CAPTAIN LEVI SHE'S NOT MOVING!" He's roaring for their help frantic and anxious. If he's caused any permanent damage he's as good as dead meat.

"Oh my Lord. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry."

Bertholdt's voice is fractured in unadulterated horror and judging by the direction you hear it at he has to be facing away from you.

Unbolting your eyes you learn your assumption is correct and despite hurried footsteps being within audible range you take your chance by the reigns.

Leaping to your feet and with no forewarning you swing your leg to the back of his neck. Stunned by the surprise attack he falls to his knees and you situate yourself in front of the oak tree you've been eyeing from the time the exercise began.

"You cunning bitch." Staggering back up he makes a swift rebound. At this point all mercy has left him and his one true aim is to completely pulverize you.

Everything is falling into place. All you need to do is wait for the right moment and finally you come across it when he suddenly pounces for you. Darting to the left you leave the space open for your prey.

Poor Bertholdt falls right into the palm of your hands like a rag doll. His momentum can't be controlled and he smashes headfirst into the trunk with a loud crunch sounding out. Bark splits and scrapes off the tree upon impact.

His head has to throb and you don't want to imagine how painful it is to feel the rivulets of soreness.

He doesn't get up and only groans, you feel half bad but after the tricks and antics he pulled you come to the conclusion that it's all deserved.

"Well, Y/N, you've proven yourself to be quite quick witted." Hange's praise is strange to hear but you beam proud that you've proven your worth.

"Oi, don't get ahead of yourself." Levi orders. "It could have been pure luck."

In spite of Levi's pessimism you bask in the glory of your win.

A week into joining Levi's unit you're becoming more accustomed to the new environment, in fact the gossiping and horrible rumours stop completely after your win and interactions with your fellow comrades feel easier and lighter.

You think the taunts will have only got more relentless after the duel fiasco but you suppose Annie chose to be considerate and take pity on you.

"Your progress has been remarkable so far." You jump when you hear Jean's deep voice appear right next to you.

Looking around to see if any other cadets are around you finally release a breath you didn't even know you were holding in.

"Ah. Thank you." You murmur quietly.

"I know it's been a week since I was scolded by the Captain but this won't count as flirting will it?"

Impeding the one sided conversation you're reflecting, you're not sure what exactly about. Probably whether or not you should maintain the discussion - if it can even be referred to as such.

Forget it. You know what they say, you only live once.

Flicking his forehead you roll your eyes, "We were never flirting he's just an over dramatic, bitter hag. I put my money on the fact he's never felt the touch of a woman before."

Jean's eyes widen in disbelief, you half expect he'll split open in tremendous laughter but he looks terrified. Then you become conscious of the fact he's not even staring at you, his eyes are engrossed by whatever is behind you.

Unfortunately for you your body tells you all you need to know. His cologne floods into your nostrils, you can't even reassure yourself and pretend it's anyone else, you know he's the only one who smells that strongly of fresh linen.

Being unable to see him doesn't stop you from imagining his dark lifeless eyes accompanying themselves with what is before them.

It doesn't even take Jean a minute to abandon you, he breaks out into an awkward smile, hurriedly pats your shoulder before dashing away, dispersing all the way to the other end of the hallway in a matter of seconds and turning the corner away from you.

Heart rate soaring you hesitantly spin on your heel. Levi's stood there, looking beyond unimpressed.

You intend to breeze past him, cool and collected. You take a step forward but God has never been one to bless you with luck, stumbling and tripping over thin air lands you flying.

Ready for impact you brace yourself but it never comes, instead solid hands are firmly placed at the small of your back steadying your position and your palms have unceremoniously landed atop his torso.

"Play along." Levi's voice is low and rumbling, and you can't look him in the eyes. Not out of fear or dread, more so exhaustion but you muster the energy to look to your left. There Erwin and Hange stand giggling to themselves like children. As quick as you spot them they vanish in the same fashion. It's as if they were never there.

You're worn out and fatigued wanting nothing more than a good night's rest. If there's one thing you haven't grown used to it's the lack of sleep.

"Let go." Moving to shift his hands away from your waist you halt your movements when he without warning lets go of you, not even giving you the opportunity to renovate your balance.

Flying to the ground and landing with a thud you rub your backside at the blow.

Mirthlessly chuckling the lack of amusement is clear in the way he composes himself.

Making a dash for it sounds tempting but you may as well let him have his way. There's no action you can take to avoid him reprimanding you. It's your fault for having the gall to make that crude and foul-mouthed comment in the first place.

You gulp comprehending the situation is even worse now since you really only said it for the sole reason of Kirstein's amusement.

"Y/N, I'd like to have a word with you."

Hesitantly you look up at Levi, he has an indecipherable expression on his face, it's been a while since you've last been left in his company alone.

The two of you are stood in his office, his desk is flooded with papers, they're haphazardly scattered all over the place and spikes of worry weirdly make them self present in your belly. This isn't right. He'd never leave his work space in this state.

"Are you okay?" You ask it because you’re sure he isn't.

His shoulders and spine stiffen. "Cut the crap and keep the formalities to yourself." He chides, most definitely defensive in his stance.

Without asking him you shuffle to his desk stacking the papers into organised piles, most of the documents are related to an up and coming expedition and it's all beginning to add up. Even humanities strongest soldier has moments where he cracks.

Then you notice your name on the formation plan but before you're able to make anything out of it Levi snatches it off his desk and away from you stuffing it into his pocket.

Without another sound he observes you cleaning the rest of the mess away but doesn't ask for you to stop. There's no reason for him to.

If you do this maybe he'll go easier on you, yeah that's what your motivation is. That's not exactly the truth, really you're just concerned about whatever has him worked up.

Placing the last document in its rightful place you want to give your mind a moment to recollect itself but Levi doesn't think the same.

He places his arms on either side of the desk, trapping you with no way out. Oddly, there's nothing threatening about him looking down at you this time, the greys and blues of his iris' captivate you.

"Do you enjoy making a mockery of your husband?" The question is whispered. It's unanticipated and the title of husband is uncharacteristic coming out of his mouth.

"It was just a joke." You mumble your answer under your breath.

"Would you have spouted that shit in front of the rest of the unit?"

Mildly shaking your head he then sighs. He’s not angry, he genuinely seems let down.

"Do you prefer him over me?” You swear you hear the faintest hint of self-doubt.

His questions are getting more out of the ordinary by the second and you’re waiting for him to crack a malevolent grin before he ridicules you like he always does.

“Of course I don’t prefer him over you.”

“Prove it.”

Tilting your head up towards him you have no idea what he wants for you to do or say, why does this suddenly even matter to him?

And then you imagine it happen, him digging his hands into your shoulders. Your weight along with his shifting up against the desk making it creak. Your mind details how he would kiss you agitatedly and you flush thinking about how you would feverishly return the favour.

It seems like your imagination predicts the future. He grips your jaw with his hand, his touch isn’t firm and for once it’s quite soft. Relishing in the new experience as he leans in you secure your eyes shut in expectation.

Stroking your cheek with his thumb the warm sensation that courses through your body is rather pleasant. His hands come out to run against your body, pinching the sides of your waist. The motion makes your heart stall for a second. Involuntarily, you find yourself leaning into him.

“This seem like a man who hasn’t felt the touch of a woman before?”

And just like that he leaves you hanging. You flutter your eyes open and there he is. He’s back, the same cynical man, smirk etched onto his features, his body still parallel to yours.

You find yourself enraged at how he's just lead and dragged you on, you should have stuck with your gut feeling and not given into temptation but you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat. It's very obvious who the cat is in this situation.

Brows furrowing you can’t face him ever again after the scalding embarrassment inhabits your abdomen.

"Going to cry, Cadet?" He's pushing all your buttons, eagerly choosing to provoke you.

The frustration you’ve been feeling fills you to the brim and you clamp down on your bottom lip. If you must turn to inflicting harm onto yourself just to muffle the sound of your whimpers you will.

“Did you need to do that?” You choke out your response feeling helpless, still not looking at him.

“Simply gave you a taste of your own medicine.”

Silence.

"Sometimes I wish you killed me back then."

Silver eyes become dark and he visibly flinches at your confession.

Still boxed in-between his arms you attempt to push past but he continues to obstruct the exit. He's not done yet.

"I gave you another chance at life." His blunt one-sided view is about to drive you crazy.

"Within my first day at this unit I had to avoid being attacked by another cadet in the forest if you call that a life I do-"

“Who?”

“Not important."

“If you know what's good for you, you'll spit it out."

For the sole purpose of irking him you heavily shake your head to emphasise your refusal to give in and name the culprit. It's not like you want Reiner to fall into trouble because of you. He hasn't shown any suspicious or out of the ordinary behaviour since then and you worry what Levi is capable of doing when given a reason to hurt someone.

Glancing at him dismissively you try to make your point again. "They haven't done anything since. Therefore, it's of no importance."

Conflicted emotions scurry over his face as he looks at you.

"It's of importance if my wif-" He growls and stops midway. His hands grip onto the desk even harder, knuckles turning white.

Was he about to say, wife?

Levi immediately realizes what he's nearly just said sounds exceedingly questionable. A look of uncertainty flashes over his face and then it seems he loses all regard for self-control. His willpower isn't enough to get him through this situation and he only amplifies.

Encroaching further into the very little space amongst the both of you his tone is icy. "Tell me." He's glowering and for Reiner's wellbeing you decide you should just come out with it now. He'll be in an even more difficult spot if you don't.

"Reiner, it was Reiner." You gasp out the answer, shallow breath ragged. Head turning away to the side you're not particularly sure why you're so shaky and why you feel a tremor flood past you inundating your movement. It may all be a combination of how close he's standing to you and how intoxicatingly strong his aura is.

Or, perhaps it's due to how he nearly referred to you as his wife during his primal outburst of anger.

He turns away. Automatically creating yet another blockade between the two of you.

"You're dismissed."