#so i grind now and dont have to panic the last few days of her banner :D

[crabs-nonsense]

Having internet friends is all fun and games until you start getting called out for playing genshin impact at 3am.....

[a-pretty-nerd]

SO THERES THIS SCENARIO I CAN'T GET OUT OF MY HEAD:

Father!Tomura Shigaraki x Mother!reader

SFW, Wholesome content, Shigaraki being a family man!

Place: A high security prison somewhere. Time: I dont know, probably like 2 in the afternoon.

The heroes won, Shigaraki was thrown away to rot in prison for the hundreth-something time after years and years of cat and mouse.

Once again, the now aging man sits alone in the dark. His body held in place, sitting in a chair, by several machines intended to keep him at bay and unaware of his surroundings.

Outside his heavily guarded cell, security goes about their business, blissfully unaware.

Suddenly sirens begin to go off. Theres been a breach within the prison. Guards and other staff run around, trying to make sense in the panic.

Shigaraki smiles as he becomes aware of the mayhem.

The thick metal door of his cell opens with a loud thud and two figures stand in the doorway.

One a tall and muscular figure of a teenage boy.

The other, a smaller figure of a teenage girl.

"I'll get Dad, you be the lookout." The boy orders as he rushes into the cell.

"Why do I have to be the lookout? Why can't you do it!?" The girl objects as she follows him inside.

The two continue to loudly bicker as they work to set Shigaraki free.

"Hey you! Stop right there!" A man's voice calls from the doorway as he reaches for his gun.

Before the man can pull the trigger, he's met with a hard punch to the face. He's out within seconds.

"Hurry, there'll be more!" The boy turns and shouts.

"Don't rush me!" The girl yells back and she plants her palms on the machine holding her father captive.

The metal begins to warp and crumble under her. Slowly but surley setting Shigaraki free.

Eventually he wrenches his way free from the rotting mechanism and stretches with a loud grunt.

"You're late." He scolds them with a calm tone.

"We would have been on time if SOMEONE had woken up on time!" The boy yells at his sister.

"Shut up! My alarm didn't go off!"

"Quit fighting you two." Shigaraki comands as he garbs ahold of their wrists and pulls them into the cell before he places his palms just inches above the concrete floor below him.

"Get ready." He warns.

Later, that evening:

The hero, Deku, frustrated by the news that his mortal enemy has escaped from prison once again, looks over the paperwork in his hands.

"Are you sure this is right?" He asks the detective, again.

"We're certain. She's here. And by the looks of it, home alone."

"I just can't belive it. How have we never known of her before this?" Deku looks over the house sitting before them. The detective shrugs.

The house is placed discreetly in the suburbs. A well kept garden stretches out from behind a fence and gate. The whole thing makes Deku sick. Everything about it is just so, normal.

"Are you sure we can't bring her in?" He asks the detective. The man shakes his head.

"We don't have any evidence to suggest she has anything to do with it."

"But-"

"It's not a crime to be married to a criminal, Deku." He knocks politley on the door. When it finally opens, Midoriya's jaw goes slack.

There you stand, a kind smile stretched across your features as you wipe your hands with a rag. They stare at you for a moment in disbelief.

You're just so beautiful and so unassumingly wholesome. How could you be married to the world's most dangerous criminal?

When they don't say anything, you place your hands on your hip and give a smug look.

"That bastard slip through the cracks again?" You huff with a smile.

You let them in and sit them down at the kitchen table. You serve tea and snacks. Deku's heart races faster with every movement you make.

"You're welcome to search the place. I assure you I don't know where he is or what he's planning." You reassure as you sit down across the table from them. You watch the detective takes notes as you answer question after question.

"How long have you been married?"

"Twenty years."

"When was the last you saw your husband?"

"A few days before he was last caught."

"Has he contacted you before or since?"

"No. I never know when or where he's going to show up. He never calls. Sometimes he writes."

"He writes?"

"Yeah, I get letters from him occasionally."

"May we take a look at this letters?"

You pause and think about your answer. A blush forms on your cheeks as you answer.

"You're welcome to, but I think you'll find more than you bargained for." You chuckle.

Their attention is taken away from you when they hear a car pull up and the back door open and shut.

In walks a young man sharing a stricking resemblance to Shigaraki. He meets their gaze and freezes.

"Mom? Whats going on?" He asks as he approaches you. Standing tall behind your seat as his appearance grows more and more menacing towards Deku.

"This is our eldest." You tell the men.

"Is he out again?" Your son seems annoyed.

"He is. We were just wondering if you may have heard from him."

"No. We haven't. Now leave." He grips the back of the chair you sit in and grinds his teeth.

"Don't be rude." You tell him.

"You guys can't just barge in here and harass our family. We don't know, anything. We're not in on his shit." He growls behind you.

"Honey, please."

"No. They need to leave. NOW." Deku couldn't get out fast enough. The whole idea made him sick. Not only was Shigaraki on the loose again, but he had children, a whole family.

At this point Deku had children of his own to worry about. To think, Shigaraki wasn't so different from him in so many ways.

Weeks later, Shigaraki is still on the loose:

"I can't believe that idiot let them find you." Your eldest muttered in the passanger seat beside you.

"I'm surprised they hadn't found us sooner." You said as you glanced from the road to the gps.

"He's going to get you killed."

"You sound like my Dad. Grandpa would be proud."

"Why don't you leave him? He puts you in so much danger, he's never around, he's an asshole, a murderer-"

You slammed on the breaks, sending your unknowing son's head to gently slam against the glove compartment.

"Thats jackass! He's on his phone! Watch where you're going asshole!" You shouted at the car in front of you before you started driving again.

Your eldest son was always looking out for you. He was a momma's boy. He was smart, and caring, and protective. He was so much like his father, but you'd never tell him that. It'd only make him upset.

"Where exactly are we going anyways?" He finally pipped up after an hour of driving out of the city.

"The house isn't safe anymore. Now that the heroes know about us, we have to stay away for a little while."

"What? But they don't have any evidence-"

"That's not the point. It doesn't take evidence. I'm sure a warrant to search the property has already been approved. And if they don't find anything at the house, they'd take us in for further questioning and believe me, you don't want that." You warned him.

"But we don't know anything...right?" You fell silent. "Mom!"

"What!? You honestly think, even if I was uninvolved, they'd let us go? You think they'd let you, the son of Japan's most dangerous criminal, walk free?" You sighed. "Look, honey, I'm sorry. I know you never asked for this. This isn't your fight, I know. We've never expected you to be involved and I promise, as soon as everything blows over, we'll send you to that school."

His eyes lit up. He's always wanted to go away to school. Ever since his first year of high school, he's been interested in studying Science at this prestigious school across country.

"You mean it?" You nodded and held a hand out to pat his knee and give it a reassuring squeeze.

"Just be patient with us, alright?" A little farther and you had arrived at the destination. Middle of the woods, somewhere in the mountains. You checked and doubled checked the information in the letter he'd sent again.

Deep in the woods, there was a bunker hidden in the brush. You knocked on the bunker door, only to be greeted by a familiar face.

Well, a mask to be more specific.

"Mrs. Shigaraki." Mr. Compress smiled behind his mask.

"Hey old-timer." You smiled back and gave him a warm hug. It'd been so long since you'd seen the league.

"My goodness, how time flies. I don't suppose you remember me, do you?" He asked your son.

"Vaguely." He answered as they shared a firm hand shake.

"Are they here?" You asked.

"They're waiting for you in the parlour." You quickly made your way in the bunker, revealing itself to be a mansion in disguise as you made your way through.

Finally, you found them. Shigaraki stood tall, washed and dressed in a black turtle neck sweater and slacks. His hair, still long, framed his handsome face. He looked away from the twins, and turned to you. His heart leaped in his chest.

"Y/N." He whispered as you rant to him. He held his arms up to accept you as you threw yourself into his embrace He held you tight and rested his cheek on your head.

"I missed you." You told him with a smile that was so big it hurt.

"I missed you, love." He agreed and ran his hand up and down your back. You remember the days when this kind of affection was impossible for him.

Soon you felt two other hands on your back. The twins joined in to hug you both as your eldest wandered into the room. He paused at the sight and watched.

Tomura looked up at his son and gave a knowing look. He knew his oldest son, the one that was so much like him, had always had issues with him. He knew his absence was hard on him, and he knew no matter what he did, his son was still ashamed and embarrassed by him.

Regardless, he had always tried.

You remember the day when Tomura sent you away when he found out about the pregnancy. You remember how horrified and deeply afraid he was of becoming a parent. Hell, your relationship was a rollercoaster for him as it was. But by the time his son was born, he was determined to be better.

He was determined to be better for his family.

He reached out a hand to his son. He looked at his father, and thought for a moment. Without warning, a smaller hand, previously planted on your back, grabbed him and pulled him in. Your daughter had always found her older brother's resistance to be thoroughly annoying.

So there you are, reunited as a family for the first time in a long time. But definitely not the last time.

[oh-for-fic-sake]

Trophy Chapter One

Hello soo iv been on here for forever and have been writing for a while, but never had to balls to post anything iv began a short mob boss henry cavill fic but im super nervous of posting it so not only is it my first imagine fic but it's the first smutty piece iv done in a while so yeah its not super smutty but I'm happy.... please be kind I'm just testing the waters to see if anyone likes it or not.

WARNING SMUT AHEAD 18+ ONLY 

You get kidnapped by the new kingpin in town

TROPHY

Masterlist

 Part 2 part 3 part 4 part 5

You heaved deep breathes in 1 2 3 out 1 2 3 then back in somehow maintaning a grip on your nerves, sitting your tender knees one armed gaurd either side of the door hands cuffed behind you chain of the hand cuffs looped around the leg of the heavy wooden desk that dominated the office.you'd already kicked clawed and twisted out of the grunts grasp as they brought you in to the hpuse apparently tho you can't run to save your life... literaly youd only made it a quarter of the way down the gravel drive befor being jumped grazing your knees and hands.

 You spun your head around takeing in the office simple and refined a large ox blood chesterfield sofa along the wall to the left of the door ,matching dark wood polished side board unit with predictable crystal decanter set half full of amber liquid two matching ox blood club chairs directly in front of you and a window on the other side of the desk behind you somewhere. On the right of the room was another door solid wood ;you wouldn't be breaking through that anytime soon and a floor to ceiling book shelf full of hard back and leather bound books. You closed your eyes trying to clam your nerves the last thing you needed was a panic attack 'tho this is a perfectly acceptable time to panic' you thought to yourself.

Suddenly the main door into the room ajacent to you opened heavy foot steps acompanied by a deep chuckle as a man made his way into the room. You leaned to the left lightly trying to look around the club chair in front of you breath hitching in your throat as you laid your eyes on the the golieth of a man befor you 'fuck whats going on?' 

Henry you knew of him hell everyone in town did ,he owned it. He was tall ,broad very well built he had a strong jaw line with a few days stubble dark curley hair tamed away from his face and the bright blues that he was well known for he was a stunning alpha male and he knew it .Looking up gifted you with a smile that shook you to your core his eyes held a strange glint that made you uneasy her leand back against the arm of the chair and crossed his arms across his chest "Good afternoon Y/N I heard from my men you've been a naughty girl trying to run?"  He said directing the question to the men behind his at the door who nodded in affirmation. He pinned you with a look and you shrunk into your self

 "well what do you have to say for yourself?" biteing back your retorts in favour of asking " what do you want? Why am i-" his eyebrows furrowed and he gutted holding up a hand at you coming to stand face on befor you " ah ah that young lady was not an awnser now I will ask again what do you have to say for yourself? Hm how far did you think you'd get pet?" you faltered his gaze darkened causing you to shiver as he started smirking showing off his perfect teeth and letting out a low gravely chuckle as his impossibly blue gaze stared at your doe like hazels "not going to answer? well it looks like my pet needs a little discipline then."

 Quicker then you could register he grasped your face angeling it up towards him ,whimpering his hand engulfed your whole lower jaw fingers resting near your ear ,you trembled again unsure this time if it was fear or arousal this man was huge gorgeous and dangerous  you all but hissed at Him leaning back as far as your bonds would allow twisting and tugged your head fight or flight kicking in trying to get him to release you. "One thing you will learn is that I have no qualms with swiftly dealing with naughtly little girls and there bad behaviour" His hand followed your movements shushing you like trying to calm a wild animal then with a twist his wrist his fingers rested below your chin and thumb was placed on your lips and with seemingly practiced ease he push his thumb was in between them your reaction was instinctive instinctive instant latching your teeth onto it trying desperately to ignore the clean and manly taste of his skin shifting you dug your blunt teeth into his knuckle biting hard, intent on snapping it off growling at Him glaring at his unwavering gaze ,you trembled at the small bubbles of heat in your lower tummy caused a damp patch on your panties hating how unfairly handsome this man was.

He hissed through his teeth and frowned tilting his head forward leaned down slightly crowding you and then scolded You lightly "now now dont do that pet let go" he was calm his voice was deep and seemed to wash over you warmth spread through you and your insides churned."aww come on pet let go" He swayed his hand back and forth and lightly pulled backwards testing to see if you'd let go he tried again firmer "pet let go of daddy, if not you won't like the consequences" you did not like how your pussy clenched at his words trying to bite harder you locked your jaw in response trying desperately to gain some semblance of control you felt yourself getting hotter as your thighs rubbed together as you still tried to get his hand away from your mouth. He sighed and looked at you in mock dissapointment then straightened to his full height tutting at you the smug glint in his eye was the only warning befor he somehow slipped his thumb into your mouth a little more then harshly pressd down pinning your tongue to the bottom of your mouth then curled his fingers under your chin. You yelped out around his invading digit in pain his grip was tight unrelenting thrashing around.

 you panicked this time rising on your stinging knees twisting your body and clenched your smarting hands behind you tugging on the cuffs he followed your movements patiently taking a step towards you and unbeknownst to you slipped a foot under your body "thats enough little one.settle.down. you did this, if you had listend then daddy and awnsered him like a good girl i wouldn't have to be so mean now. sit.back.down and daddy will stop" his voice was hard and commanding but you continued to wiggle fruitlessly for a few moments trying to get his painful grip off of your jaw tears flowed freely down your face as you sobbed .

Realising that this man could subdue you with one hand was a bitter pill to swallow until finally whining you sniffled and lowered yourself to the ground squeaking you jolted up snapping your head up to look at him as you felt his shoe against your mound he pointed his finger down and lifted an eye brow you lowered yourself carefully fully aware of the heat building in between your thighs finally with you seated on his foot he released your jaw slipping his other hand to the top of your head you looked down red face you felt him wiping your spit onto his expensive looking trousers " good girl shush dont cry little one ,see you can be a good girl, you will be a good girl wont you? Be daddy's good girl?" He said mockingly as he smoothed down your hair placeing one hand at the back of your neck pinning you to his foot then began slowly rubbing his foot across your mound he shushed you again as you stiffend gasping trying to move off of him as he bared his weight on his hand pushing you down .Closing your eyes you whimpered before letting out a tiny single moan as he found a tight rhythm on your throbbing clit you cried out as he began moving faster your walls clenched taught as you fought the urge to rock onto him moaning as waves of pleasure vibrated through you from your core as you soaked through your panties  your face grew hot as you absentmindedly tugged on your cuffs again.

"good girl see its not so bad is it?" He leant forward slightly murmuring soft praises to you. you found yourself rocking against the hard leather squeezing your eyes tighter, flushed and panting as your clothed felt far to tight against your skin grinding trying to chase the impending orgasm as your clit rubbed against the seam of your leggings "ah-oh fuck ple-PLEASE" you moaned resting your forehead onto his thigh grunting quietly caught between your thoughts denying yet craving that finale so close. So close gasping as your body began to tense and the first tremors of your orgasm approached you moved faster throwing your head back moaning breathlessly as he pointed his foot up caressing your heat just as "YES, n-no I dont oh GOD"  . Raising your head seeing his burning gaze through your tears he took control forcing you to come undone sobbing as your body succumbed to the intense toe curling end thrown over the edge into bliss, weightless as you come down from your high he leant down kissing your forehead.Falling back into reality you were mortified as you felt your wetness that had soaked through your leggings onto his shoe and rug below you crying in small sobs as he released you stepping back "oh sweet girl look at this mess you made. you've even left a puddle on the rug" he shook his head and motioned the men at the door to leave lifting your head at the sound of the door brought another onslaught of tears as you realised there had been an audience to your humiliation he run his fingers through your H/C hair hushing you whispering praises calming you down to trembled gasps eventualy in a small voice you asked  "why are you doing this?" he smiled you flinched slightly he crouched down to cupping your face gently between his hands stroking the apples of your cheeks "why what? Why i had to punish you? To teach you lesson one is listen to daddy as for why your here? well you are mine, you always have been but I am done waiting for you to find your way home". He stood and made his way behind the desk you heard the distinct sound of leather as he sat "now you can stay down there while daddy does some work, if your good i will think about not restraining you tonight"

Well there you go

[uglysockperson]

So decided to break my own heart. Here’s my idea for garashir breaking up during the war. This will be a relatively long fic i think.

Add a little angst *pulls out my angst pepper mill*

Julian had just sat down and started talking, he’d since forgotten what because not a bite in, his lunch partner interrupted him. With a clawed hand raised to silence him he awaited the usual sort of words to be said but none came. Just a short couple of scentances he could barely hear before elim spoke a last time “and if you dont need anymore from me this afternoon I’ll say my good byes. Best of luck doctor bashir” the title and last name put a crease on his forehead. But he continued eating, then he continued with his day. Doctor bashir worked another 6 hours before being relived by Dr. Kim, to walk himself all the way to garak quarters only to stop just before punching in his access code to remember those stabbing few words “doctor I believe it would be beneficial for both of us to terminate our relationship both platonic and.. other wise. I will not be joining you for lunch any more.” If he wasn’t so programmed to operated while his heart was making grinding gears sounds in his ears he’d likely be on the floor but instead with limber little legs the dear doctor walked himself back to the praminade to drink himself silly at quarks.

When he had woken up in the morning he was on miles couch with molly playing with a toy car using his foot as a ramp. At breakfast he tried to ask Keiko if she knew why elim had done what he had but she shared that garak had stopped talking to her as well. He had to leave before miles started spouting slurs but arriving at his quarters offered no comforts as when he stepped in there was a box in the middle of the coffee table containing some of his clothes, bottles of shower products and kukalaka. And upon further inspection any and all of elims items were missing from his own room, the cardigan he’d left draped on a chair. His comb from the bathroom, even his pocket sewing kit he’d kept in julians bedside drawer. If this is what elim wants this is what he’ll get. Julian has no time to wonder what happened. He’s got a shift.

The next couple of weeks were as they should be, working and moving on with everything thats coming their way on the station. There was no shortage of patients since ds9 had become a shared docking point for the Klingons, every now and then julian could just make garak out amongst the racks in what was his tailoring shop. But he wouldn’t let himself stop walking whenever he had to move past it, if elim wanted to talk to him he would.

Garak on the other hand though he’d never admit to it tried to stay by the window of his parlor when he could hear julian out on the prominade. The dear doctors voice like a bell he could never ignore. If he could catch a glimpse of him, he counted himself lucky for the day, but who could feel lucky coming home and knowing no one you loved had any reason to contact you as of now. If you asked him why he’d done it... and he was going to be honest he wouldn’t know what to say. There was a gnawing in the back of his skull like a panic on the rise for days. A voice telling him all the terrible things he didn’t want to hear. His work was only hurting cardassia and sooner or later cardassia will find out and someone’s going to come and take his friends from him.. julian, keiko, molly, it didn’t matter he’d soon have to pay for his crimes against the state. There was no reason for any of them to be involved. But he worked anyway, codes where time consuming but his work was perfect, they were his codes to begin with.

At night in his own bed he felt the choke of the darkness, and when he’d turn the lights on the choke hold of the room. Being stuck on this space station was going to be the death of him, all these walls, no space.. it would eventually get the better of him and he’d find himself the next morning curled in one part of his room or another. But it didn’t matter no one was coming to his quarters any time soon not even an assassin. and as soon as possible he’d get back to work. This was all going as smooth as it could until ezri showed up. Sure he’d had a small episode but if it weren’t for the arrival of a legitimate counselor he was sure it could’ve been ignored just as easy as any of his other faults. But the captain just had to find a use for his new Dax. But surely enough a small girl is easy enough to get rid of, even a girl with life times of experience under her belt. And he was having fun doing it too that is until she said something he could not shove into the box of forgetful things. “You blame you’re self ! JUST LIKE I DO!” He had dissmissed her but he couldn’t remember her leaving, the rest of the day was a mess of terrible stitches and memories, tain kicking him into a closet, holding his tail for comfort.. most of all everytime he’d told himself he dessereved what he got. He blacked out again unfortuatly this time he was not so lucky to be in his own room but woke up on a hypo bed. This might have been the worst turn of events but in his blurred wake he felt the feeling come back into his fingers and realized the hands he was holding was Julians warm human hands and not his own. He kept his eyes shut. Praying to any god that could hear him that julian thought he was asleep still. And it must have worked because he felt those sweet lips softly press onto his knuckles and heard the sweetest voice “elim your alright now.” If he was any less tense he might’ve cried.

When he decided to actually act awake bashir kept scares only appeared when needed and seemed to disappear into his office all day. He could almost thank the doctor for letting him keep his dignity. But now he felt more alone and raw than ever, laying on the hypo bed for everyone to see. Most of the nursing staff had come around to being friendly though julian and his relationship wasn’t public with enough friendly hellos and regular socializing they’d come to a point of actually talking an smiling at him something else he has bashir to thank for.

[katsukikitten]

Going down?

NSFW BBS

To say you were the luckiest and yet most unlucky person in the world would be an understatement.

You were a living, breathing contradiction considering the quirk you have and where you've ended up.

Most people are envious, even jealous of the position you have.

A secretary to both of the top two number one heroes!

You were lucky, your little meek self landed the spot wholly by accident.

On a train ride bumping into the Director of the agency by mere fucking chance, agitating your already hyper active quirk.

For a moment time slows, you do not have much time to inform him of what is happening.

The train doors will be shutting soon, sealing his fate and losing out on something big.

Detrimental to the company even.

"Oh um, excuse me sir." You stammer, lowly enough that he does not hear you, "Sir?"

You breathe in deeply trying once more as his fingers fly across the lit glass in his hands.

"S...sir?" He is too distracted by whomever is on the other side to notice you.

In your mind's eye you see the train director reaching for the button for the doors. Anxiety rips through your body only to be out won by your fear.

Fear of small mistakes leading to much bigger disasters.

"SIR! YOU'RE ON THE TRAIN HOME! YOU NEED TO BE ON TRAIN D OR YOU'LL MISS THE MEETING YOU'VE FORGOTTEN!" You huff, hands shaking as the man stares down at you with a mix of horror and awe.

All before he grips onto your wrist dragging you along with him.

And that's how you became secretary to Midoriya Izuku and Bakugou Katsuki.

Better known as Deku and Ground Zero.

One made your life heavenly, touching them, seeing them and the details of their work and interpersonal lives was easy. The fact that you had a crush on them made it even better.

While the other, well the other made your life a living hell. Considered you too meek and seemed to hate your guts with a burning intensity that rivaled the heated gaze in his eyes.

Again you were the luckiest and yet most unlucky person alive.

You stare at the screen as your quirk has you hyper fixated on the janitor's next few hours of possible futures and unnecessary details of his life all because he brushed your fingers while passing you something you've dropped.

"Y/N." Deku calls softly and you cannot hear him, "Y/N."

He steps towards your desk just outside of the two opposing offices, leaning closer to you.

"Y/N." It comes out like liquid honey, and your gut flutters. You flush bright red as you blink furiously.

"I.. I'm sorry. Oh! Izuku-sama you need to be leaving in the next five minutes or you'll be late for your..." You struggle when you see it.

The beautiful woman with short chesnut hair sitting in a chair at an upscale restaurant in a deep pink dress.

Showing off her curves and her breasts in a tasteful manner.

Your heart sinks to your stomach like a brick, weighing heavy as you realize what is happening and suddenly you are crushed

The word date cannot escape your lips so you clear your throat.

"Your day is free tomorrow until 4pm and nothing extra will come up." You add instead and he nods.

"Thank you Y/N." He smiles sweetly before beginning to leave, "Don't stay too late okay?"

"Oh and um Izuku-sama...."

"Yes?" He stops turning back to face you. He did not mind you looking into his personal life.

Or at least never said anything agaisnt it.

"Please be sure to charge your phone on the way there. Other wise it will die and you won't be able to capture a special moment." You say softly, unable to keep eye contact with those shining emeralds.

It hurt too much to.

You could have kept it to yourself, or forced yourself not to look like you have to do with thathot head but...but if his phone would have died..

He would be missing the picture that would lead to them dating.

"Thanks Y/N." He says smiling so brightly before turning on his heel.

All the while you try to forget about the kiss they share after their failed selfie.

He leaves without another word and you stare after him longingly.

That is before your quirk pulls you to the only other body on the floor.

He'll be running out of coffee soon and he will be angry, distracted even to have to leave his desk when he is finally making some progress on his paper work.

The coffee pot in the break room is finishing up at the perfect time thanks to the director's secretary. You pull out Bakugou's second favorite mug from your desk and stand.

Before stopping as you relive a memory.

"Quit using your quirk to spy on me."

His snarl so dark and upsetting that you could no longer attend the hero ceremony.

You begin to pack your things instead. Bakugou won't be in a good mood for the rest of the evening on top of that nothing is happening and even if something was he wouldn't want your help anyway.

You hesitate, only for a moment, maybe he would want that cup of coffee. You stare at the mug as if it would have answers but it would never know.

Just like you wouldn't, unless you touched him.

And he would never allow that.

So you shrug your purse higher on your shoulder before heading to the elevator.

Your press the button and count loudly in your head to help calm your nerves.

Inanimate objects are almost as difficult as people if you don't touch the right part of them.

You know at some point this thing is going to break down and get stuck between floors.

You just don't know when.

Why not take the stairs?

Well the stairs had a worse outcome.

"It's only possibilities Maybe futures."

You try to remind yourself.

What you dont remind yourself of is your 95% accuracy rate.

The elevator dings pulling you to the here and now.

You step into the shiny death trap with smooth tiles and walls that reflect your fearful face.

Bland music takes up the space in the background as your eyes fly over the seemingly endless buttons.

You hit G and the elevator dings again before shuttering as the doors begin to close.

They never get the chance to close, instead a toned forearm is hit by the two sheets of steel before the safety feature forces the doors back open.

You freeze like a mouse caught by two shining eyes in the dark.

Burning red eyes.

"Tch." He sucks his teeth as he steps in, standing to the far side of the elevator.

You look at him expectedly, waiting for an answer on the floor he needs and when none is given you assume he is leaving for the day too.

The elevator begins its descent to the safety of the garage.

But not quickly enough.

Numbers flash on a panel with an annoying ding that inturpts the flat music, your eyes stare at the white digits watching them shrink.

As you feel yourself shrink as you always do beneath that gaze. The details of his life creep in first and you try your best to focus on something else.

Izuku comes to mind and with it, wonder on how he date is going, your heart pulls harshly on the muscles in your chest.

The failed selfie is happening right now and they should be kissing soon.

You hold onto your purse tighter and the digits read 22.

Suddenly the descending box of steel groans before jerking causing you to lose your balance.

You begin to fall towards the middle of the elevator, of course you couldn't have fallen towards the damn railings less than three inches from you.

You just had to fall to be met face first with cold harsh tile. You squeeze your eyes shut for impact but mostly so you cannot read the disappointment in the ash blonde's face.

But the cold slap never comes, instead a warm, almost comforting touch holds you. Callused hands wrapped around your bare shoulders as they right you to your feet.

The possible futures flood in along with the details of his last 24 hours.

First comes the past, he smells of perfume, floral with hints of amber, lipstick stains on his throat and collar. Before anger ignites in your belly, half your own from anyone "marking" Bakugou and the other half is his. Katsuki yells at this mystery woman, he spies a text from another man on her phone. The present begins to overwrite the past his phone is sitting in his office on his desk. He has unintentionally forgotten it, leading you to remember that yours is still locked in your top drawer.

Lastly comes the future, your breath begins to hitch as it unfolds, and your premonition from when you first started almost a year ago is finally coming true.

"THE ELEVATOR IS GOING TO STOP!" You grip onto strong forearms as you scream. Nails biting into toned flesh as tears begin to prick your eyes.

"Wha..what?" Is all Bakugou gets out before the machine comes to a grinding halt.

Fear seizes your very bones while rage grips the blonde's.

"What the fuck?!" He snarls, "Did you know this was going to happen the whole fucking time? You let me on here anyway?"

"N..no." Fat tears begin to drip down reddened cheeks, "It was just because we touched."

His fingers squeeze tighter on your shoulders as he watches the tears cascade down. You see a few more seconds into the future before he let's go.

"Fuck." He hisses. A series of explosions erupt busting out one of the lights and something in the corner.

"P...please be careful, you've destroyed the camera. I..its close to the electrical panel." You speak to the floor loudly and he turns his ire onto you

"Be careful?! You're the seer why didnt you tell anyone about the elevator? Or tell me not to get on?" He invades tour space spiking your panic. His agitation over the situation is amplified as it is mixed with a conflicting feeling that has pulled has his gut for majority of this year.

"BECAUSE YOU WONT ALLOW ME TO SEE YOU!" You huff and as quickly as that rage came it melts away. Leaving you a mess of impossibly fatter and bigger tears.

You bend over slightly, losing your breath to panic as you gasp for air.

Bakugou damns himself as he looks over you.

He always seems to make you uneasy or upset, he could live with those emotions considering that's how most people felt around him.

But to watch you cry has knives plunging into his Godly abs.

"Oi..." He says softly and when you do not move he comes closer.

"Oi." He tries again, righting you once more as he rubs a deadly hand on your shoulder.

His skin is electrifying, sending a shudder through your body that you must suppress. He's close enough that you can smell the sweet smell of burnt sugar that seems to cling to his skin. You dare meet his heated gaze from beneath long lashes only to be surprised.

His eyes are far from carrying the weight from annoyance or anger as you thought them to be.

No they hold something else for once.

Concern.

You swallow thickly as your chin is lifted before a padded thumb swipes at a tear.

Your breathing hitches harshly.

"No need to cry okay. I'm sorry I yelled that was an asshole thing to do." His other hand continues its soothing cirlce, "Why don't you take a deep breath with me?"

He breathes in deeply through his nose, eyes expecting you to mimic and you do.

He holds it for just a moment before letting his diaphragm push the air naturally from his mouth.

After a few times your head feels a bit clearer and Bakugou takes notice as your cheeks are no longer flush.

"Now what will be easier to see my future or the elevators?" He asks softly and his manner throws you off.

You had heard rumors of his cruelty when it came to inconvenience, some dating back to before he was a pro.

Not to mention you had witnessed it first hand, so to see those normally hash scarlet red eyes softened for you has your stomach doing flips.

"Ummm..." You gulp, fearful to answer but by lying will that make it worse.

After a few brief seconds you choose to tell the truth with a heavy heart, wholly expecting a violent reaction.

"You..." A breath of a word as Bakugou purses his lips for a fraction of a second.

He liked his privacy bit not being stuck in this tin can would be worth violating it.

"Alright. Then see our way out of here little Oracle." You blush from his nonchalant tone and the use of the nickname.

Little did he know you had once picked that out to be your hero name.

But dreams die as we get older.

Especially if one doesn't feed them.

You look into the future a few minutes, hoping you'll see whatever will lead you to freedom.

But you see something else instead, it pulls your stomach lower heating your core a bit.

The blood rushes to your face as Bakugou scrunches his own.

"I..." You are suddenly hyper aware of the proximity the two of you share.

Of his warm hand resting on your bare shoulder, of the closeness of his face and the gentle touch of his fingers. He gives a look as if to say go on, you look down as you speak again.

"B..Bakugou-sama, I think my quirk might be acting up. I may be seeing the implausible possibility..." Eyes squeezed shut as you expect an explosion.

But it never comes.

"What do you mean? I've heard your information is always good, little Oracle." His thumb swipes at another stray tear, "What did you see?"

Cheeks burn impossibly hotter as you look again only to receive the same result.

Truly truly implausible.

He tilts your face to his and his gaze is too much.

"I...ummm....we....yo..you kiss me." You bite your lip as you speak and the action fills Bakugou with desire, more than he's ever possessed for you before.

And always more than what he's felt for another woman.

You being able to see some of that no matter how slim the chances of him acting on the feeling is the MAIN reason he actively "hated" and avoided you.

But to feel your smooth skin beneath his rough palms, to smell your sweet mango perfume and to hear your adorable voice fill up the space that only posses the two of you becomes too much.

Too quickly.

Katsuki pushes you against the wall, the railing bites into your back but it goes unnoticed as your eyes flutter.

Dominat tongue swirling around your own has your core molten.

Had you like Bakugou?

Had you ever been attracted to him?

The answer was yes and had always been yes. You just tried to make it easier on yourself, hoping that devloping a crush on kind Deku would eventually push your feelings for the hot head to the background.

It worked. But only if the emerald haired man was around.

When he wasn't your mind always floated to the hot head.

He rips the buttons from your blouse and you gasp with both pleasure and concern.

He reads you like a book as he pulls the fabric open to look at you in all your glory, even pulling the scratched white fabric from your black skirt.

"You said I took out the camera right?" He drinks you in before his mouth finds a sweet spot on your throat, "Don't worry I'll give you my jacket when I'm through with you, my little Oracle."

You swoon, knees becoming weak from such little contact. His mouth works wonders as he un hooks your bra, pulling it and your shirt from your chest. Greedily lapping at your perked nipples. A moan escapes you then, further encouraging his advancement to which you wouldn't dream oppose.

Not with how good you feel now. Soon his hands find your hips as he crushes his lips to yours, pulling the bottom of your skirt up over your thick thighs and ass before letting it stay at your natural waist.

"Are you wet for me?" He asks by way of permission.

To which you surprise both of yall with your answer.

"Go and find out."

Katsuki gives you a deadly smile as your face deepens in hue. His fingers snake slowly down your chest, teasing when he gets close to the hem before sliding over your laced underwear.

You watch as his eyes flutter slightly before a groan escapes his kissable lips, you clench at the sound.

"You're soaking through your underwear." He voice drips with desire by your ear, "Does the director know how naughty you are?"

He leaves a trail of kisses before biting down on your neck, fingers still relishing the feeling of soaked fabric.

"Does he know that you're wet for one of your bosses?" He begins pressing against your throbbing button through the thin fabric. You buck your hips agaisnt his touch and moan when he chuckles darkly.

"I didn't hear an answer, baby girl." Your mouth moves without thought as he presses harder.

"N..no. No one knows."

"And who are you wet for?" His other hand is preoccupied with your breasts. Tweaking the nipples pushing you closer to a surprisingly close edge. His strong hand moves away from your needy nipple to find your throat.

He applies the right amount of pressure that your breathing becomes labored.

"Y..you Bakugou-sama!" You squirm, wanting, needing to be touched by the man before you.

"That's my good girl." He slips his fingers past your underwear finding the swollen bud he was teasing, swirling two fingers as his palm presses down on your mound.

You're moaning loudly, uncaring if anyone will hear as his fingers work you over like magic. His grip tightening just enough as you get closer and closer.

Finally your vision blurs in your peripheral before his husky voice is back at your ear.

"Just one more thing, do you see yourself getting fucked little oracle?"

You do not need to look into the future to answer

"Yes...yes Bakugou-sama." With a deadly smirk he sends you over the edge, not letting up as your crescendo once, twice, three times from his fingers alone. You see stars as your body convulses beneath his touch, voice caught in your throat as you shudder.

Your knees become weak as he slowly eases away after teasing at a hint that a fourth time could have been coaxed from you.

He holds you steady kissing you sweetly on the lips. He gives you a moment as you lean on him before you're flipped around.

You stare at your reflection. Hair disheveled, falling from its normally tight bun, breasts exposed as you're bent over and lips tinted with the best of red hues.

Red eyes admire you as he unbuckles his pants.

"You're such a gorgeous mess. And who are you a mess for?" He asks, placing your hands onto the railing.

"Y..you." Breath fogs your slightly distorted reflection and he smiles.

"God damn right." He purrs in your ear, pressing himself against you and you moan, "Hold on tight, it's going to be a bumpy ride."

You wiggle your hips, pressing your ass as close to him as you can before he grabs onto you with a bruising grip.

He eases himself in slowly, keeping you from pushing agaisnt him until he's filled you completely. He stays still for a moment and the feeling of fullness alome has you squirming, begging for more.

"Pl..please Bakugou-sama. Please..." He grabs a fist full of your hair, pulling your face to meet his reflection.

"Please what?" He grins devilishly and you cannot fathom how he holds back so well. You feel him twitch within you, your eyes roll for a moment before you answer him.

"Please just fuck me and fill me. Please please Bakugou-sama." You cry out trying your best to rock against him, hoping his one hand would not be enough to stop any friction from happening.

But some how it is.

"Now be a good seer and watch how well you take my cock baby girl." He purrs, pulling harder on your hair until you meet your gaze.

He begins to pound into you, hard and fast. The sound of your meeting bodies echoes off the four walls and for once you cannot see anything.

Because you cannot focus on anything aside from the feeling of aggressive thrusts and the ash blonde reflection. He grunts as he looks you over. Your skirt makes your ass seem bigger than what it is and you're so wet you make a delectable sound with each withdraw not to mention your thighs are beginning to dew.

The sensation, sound, and sight of you being so pleased and submissive for him begins to make Bakugou spiral.

And it shows with each thrust as it gets harder, faster, and sloppier.

He fucks you with enough force that the metal box begins to rock.

Your eyes flutter as you begin to climb again, feeling him getting closer and closer himself before he hits you just right as he groans out a delightful "fuck"

You scream, gripping onto him in pulses before he loses himself. Burying himself deep within you with a satisfied growl.

You both still for a moment before he withdrawals. His seed spills from you making him want to fuck you again.

But instead he moves your underwear back into place, smooths your skirt back down your hips and ass before pulling up his own pants.

He turns you around, peppering your dazed face with kisses before he sheds his jacket and places it on you.

Zipping it up to your throat. He pulls you into him and you note the heavy smell of his caramel sweat. You kiss his neck tenderly causing a rumble to emit from him.

"Are you okay little one?" He asks softly, "Was I too rough? Too much?"

"No...perfect." You snuggle into him and he holds you for a moment. Your nose brushes against his exposed throat before you see it.

"Oh!" You push away from him enough to see his face before you blush deeply.

The elevator whirls back to life, the ding of floors pulls you back into reality and for a moment you think it a dream.

You expect him to shove you away now that he is done, especially so since that the moment of an almost claustrophobic disaster no longer hands over your heads.

But the look of hated annoyance does not return to his eyes as he gazes down at you.

If anything he looks at you softly expectant of an answer before it dawns on him.

"Oh." He says with a deadly smirk, "Was fucking the only way to fix it?"

You laugh nervously before admitting.

"I never looked past that kiss. I.."

He kisses you softly again before a final ding rings out and the two of you are met with the cool summer air of the parking garage.

"Hmmm I think I saw something." He smirks and you look puzzled, the world only slowly beginning to beg for your attention.

"W..what did you see Bakugou-sama?" You ask timidly as he pulls you out of the sinful box. Guiding you to his black motorcycle. You stop to blink over the bike, trying hard to see whatever he could be alluding to without allowing yourself his future out of habit.

"I see you calling me Katuski over dinner." He smiles as he places his only helmet on your head before his powerful leg swings over the body of the bike.

You stare down dumbfounded, dazed over everything that has happened in the last hour and a half.

When you do not move he pets the seat behind him.

"Coming to make my prediction true little oracle?" You nod swiftly pulling up your skirt enough to straddle the bike. You delicately wrap your arms around a muscled torso.

"Hold on tight." He says, squeezing your hand before the bike roars to life, "Its going to be a bumpy ride."

[webcricket]

Winter’s Eye

Pairing: AU!CastielXReader Word Count: 1560 (Ch. VII) Story Summary: Season 13 canon tells you how AU!Castiel’s story ends, this is how it begins. The deranged and damaged iteration of Castiel we met in the apocalypse universe - an obedient soldier to Michael’s cause barely in control of his vessel’s frayed and erratically firing nerves whose inherent kindness toward humankind appeared entirely obliterated - wasn’t always an unfeeling angelic weapon of interrogation. Once, he sympathized with the plight of humans; one, he loved. Outlined for 10 chapters (although, my muse is bad at maths and these things have a way of multiplying). Chapter Summary: As the connection between Cas and the reader finds firmer footing, a link from his past arises to threaten them both.

Previous Chapter: VI

VII.

“Are you kidding me?” The question explodes in a puff of breath on the frozen air; before you unfolds a pristine island of black tarvia, the filtered sun beating down on it with enough heated force to melt the snow anywhere pavement touches. Parking spaces outlined in regular intervals of yellow striping, and a handful of abandoned vehicles, radiate from the mountainous façade of a Mega-Mart.

Surveying the scene through the squinted blue optics of his vessel, Cas casts you a curious knotted-brow glance from where stands at the edge of where forest rings this convenient miracle of civilization seemingly constructed in the middle of nowhere. “Is something funny to you?” he asks, looking between you and a building too empty and too quiet for his instincts to trust; out here you’re exposed - a living breathing target unprotected by a buffer zone of wooded isolation – and he doesn’t like it one iota.

“No-” you laugh, further confusing his brow with the conflict inherent between your answer and attitude- “I guess I was expecting a rinky-dink general store fronting a small town main street. Not this-” You gesture at the looming building, a wonderland promising to contain anything and everything your heart could possibly desire and more. More, that is, beyond the surprise solace of sharing a cabin with your very own personal overly protective angel, of course.

“There is a highway not far from here, and a town like you describe – one whose populace was decimated by werewolves and worse. It’s not safe there or here,” he says gravely. And yet here you are, allowed to tag along against his better judgement because, in a moment of weakness of reason, he let an inexorably extant and angelically errant emotion of fondness for you overrule his head.

“We should hurry-” haste propels his feet forward; he curls a beckoning arm backward- “Stay close.”

You obey, legs scissoring at a trot to try to keep step with his purposeful stride. On level ground, it’s even more punishing a pace than the hike that hurried you here. Feeling the bite of blisters forming on the boney points of your heels and on the tops of your toes, you make note on your mental shopping list to search for a pair of better fitting boots and Band-Aids.

As you thoughts wander, he begins to outpace you. “Hey, where’s the fire?” you pant across the growing gap of distance.

Gradually getting the gist that not all questions you pose want answering given he observes no indications of a blaze in the immediate vicinity, he ignores the query, but not the subtext of comment on his speed, and slows until you catch up.

Approaching the sliding glass doors of the entrance, he notes they are intact and locked just as he last left them. A scattering of stone spilling outward from the threshold, not so accidental as it appears, lies undisturbed.

Strategically speaking, this would be the easiest egress for an intruder to gain entrance inside. The rear and side admittances are steel, chained, and padlocked. Still, with you to watch over, he does not permit these subtle reassurances to soothe his caution.

A flick of two fingers to focus his grace frees the dead bolt. He pries the doors apart with brute strength just far enough to permit you both to squeeze through. On last look out at the parking lot as he secures the doors shut, his regard is drawn heavenward to the horizon to a solitary silvery vapor streaking the otherwise uniformly tarnished gold glow of the sky – a wisp of airy nothingness so slim as to barely be noticed and the sort of smoky linear disturbance a plane would create in its wake as it passed - a contrail disturbing the pressure of the low atmosphere.

Except there are no planes, and there hasn’t been anything save the bodily bound bombs of angels skimming the firmament in flight - or, like him, falling in a smoldering ruin of fate - since the day Michael donned a crown formed by the flayed flesh and bone and souls of billions of humans and the emptied glory of the thousand and more angels who opposed him and whose snuffed existence stains, in a bloodied shadow of once brilliant light, Castiel’s hands.

In the seconds he spends considering the cloud, it dispels in a freshet of cool wind. It wouldn’t make sense, angels scouting here where there is nothing. They’ve done with him, banished him to dwell in and on his defeat, and ever since he etched a warding sigil upon the curved carriage of your ribs, they cannot so much as sense you exist.

Besides, with what you’ve told him of the holdouts of human resistance groups, why waste heavenly resources hunting one human in a haystack of the wild when bigger targets persist.

The tear of a candy bar wrapper loudly resonates in the benumbed and stagnant space; the crumpling of plastic and crunch of chocolate crust is swallowed up as eagerly by the silence as your gullet.

“I missed these,” you mumble and moan in immodest taste bud titillating pleasure around a mouthful of melted sugary goodness as his gaze rounds to seek out the source of the sound.

“Shh-” he scolds; the grit of worry in the warning hushes you instantly.

Terror tightens your throat so that you cannot swallow the amalgam of sugar and saliva held amid your teeth and tongue. Heart seizing, then pounding with such ferocity each ferried beat of fear shudders your frame, bits of brown moisture ooze at the trembling corners of your clinched jaw.

In the depths of the store, somewhere down a darkened aisle, winding to reach his celestially superior discernment, a soft scraping of fabric and rubber soles, slightly sticky on the tiled floor despite the feather-lightness of the footsteps, faintly perforates the calm.

Lashes widened in alarm quickly narrow again in a lethality of resolve; an inner luminance of blue burns in his searching gaze as he shifts a few steps into the eerie fringes of where the window light bleeds into the dimness. When he shakes his sleeve, you see a glint of metal flash into his grip.

Adrenaline opens up your veins and, also oiling your muscles to fight or flee from this place, it permits you to thickly and audibly gulp the wad of partially chewed chocolate nougat.

He extends the hand unburdened by a blade out at you, a movement meaning to say that you should do neither and duck out of sight behind the register.

You misread the purely practical physicality of his request and instead cede to the instinctive tug at your emotions to meet his fluttering fingers halfway, meshing yours into the warm sanctuary of their apertures and securing your other arm through the crook of his elbow to flatten his entire weaponless limb to your chest.

To say the action – a clingy suggestion of deeply rooted trust, concern, and consequently of a firm belief in his ability to shield you in the face of danger - catches him off guard would be an understatement.

However, with a hiss of his name in a tone familiar to him as that of his unwaveringly loyal lieutenant and sister – Rachel – slicing through the dark loud enough, even, for you to hear the anger and resentment whetting the knife of feminine voice, he has no time to analyze the exhilarating effect your embrace and corporal nearness exerts upon his being, nor does he permit more than a speck of added anxiety to alter the determination of his affect.

Pivoting, his typically stony rigidity a balletic display of swiftness, grace, and fluid urgency, he covers your mouth, pins you flush against the waist-high wall of the register, and very briefly steals your breath in the press of his hips against yours. The dynamism of his blues, desperately sparking hue dancing less than an inch from your flared lids, implores you to stay there no matter what happens.

He’s certain she heard you - can hear the wild banging of pulse within your body just as clearly as he can – she is, after all, an angel, and a sometime ally sympathetic to humanity who is not as dead as he presumed and evidently has an axe to grind with him.

If you stay out of her way, you may yet survive. Castiel maintains less hope for himself, and before he found you, he would’ve welcomed whatever retribution she required up to and including his life – a life sunken into meaninglessness and seeped in suffering; but now, staring into your eyes, their pleading concern begging him to be careful, to not leave you alone, he feels reason to fight.

Numbed by panic, limbs turning into immovable lead weights of worry for him, you feebly nod against the electrically charged scent of his skin a promise to stay put for his sake and collapse as he pushes you down to your knees and into the alcove underneath.

You watch the lower portion of his legs retreat from your sight and disappear into the gloom. Straining to hear what is happening, the pain pinching your heart in his absence drums dully in your ears and pulls with each strung and stinging beat at the fluid filling the blisters on your feet.

Castiel tag list:  (Closed, if you’d like to be removed please let me know!)    @jeepangel  @sammiesamness  @willowing-love  @blueicevalkyrie   @im-the-nerdiest-of-them-a11  @thesugargalaxy​    @bluetina-blog​  @dont-trust-humanity​  @afanofmanystuffs  @honeybeetrash​  @bucky-thorin-winchester​  @superwholockz​   @tistai​  @wordstothewisereaders​  @gill-ons​  @mrswhozeewhatsis​  @marisayouass​  @stone-met​   @castiel-savvy18​  @samualmortgrim​  @trexrambling​  @magnificent-mantle​  @kdfrqqg  @xdifsx​   @mandilion76​  @rockfairy​  @peaceloveancolor​  @unicorntrooper​  @anisolatedship​  @itsilvermorny​  @aditimukul​  @kudosia​  @goofynerd-67babylove​  @uninspirationalsonglyrics​  @gray-avidan​  @mishascupcake​   @mishapanicmeow​   @praisecastielamen​  @roseyhxnt​  @jessikared97​  @let-the-imaginationflow​  @warriorqueen1991​   @sebastianstanslefteyebrow   @hisnameisboobear  @kristendanwayne  @fuschiarulerinthebluebox​  @coolpencilpie​  @jenabean75​  @luciathewinchestergirl​  @morganas-pendragons​  @heyitscam99​  @fangirl-and-stuff​  @selahbela  @realgreglestrade​  @splendidcas​  @pointlesscasey​  @i-larb-spooderman​  @thewhiterabbit42​  @thelostverse​  @castieliswatchingoverme​  @beccollie18  @dragonett8  @dixie-chick​  @jtownraindancer​   @carowinsthings​  @passionghost​  @ladyofletters67​ @futureparent​  @gabbie7-11​  @myfandomlife-blog​  @dreamerkim​ @shamelesslydean​  @earthtokace​  @neaeri​  @justanormalangel​  @lone-loba​  @supernaturalymarvel​  @lilrubixx​  @wings-and-halo​  @x-cassiopeia​ @thehoneybeecastielfollows​  @musiclovinchic93​  @81mysteriouslyme​  @the-bottom-of-the-abyss​  @jaylarkson​ @pixiedusts  @spookysculderfiles  @laqueus-ludovicus  @missjenniferb @lexininja  @jessiekay2010   @skrratata  @rhiannonj79  @calicat79

[madamsixx]

Beyond The Leather Chapter 24: Valentines In London Found Me In The Trash

Friday, February 14, 1986

Today was the big day. I slept in Jess's room last night because I needed someone to be with instead of being alone in my room. I received calls of encouragement and excitement from Tamara and my family. I wished that they could be here but everyone is busy with school and work. Also it's my moms birthday so I did get to wish her a happy birthday. I got out of the shower and got dressed ready to go. Jess made a few calls before we left so I told her I would be put in the hall way waiting for her. When I stepped out and walked to the elevator pushing the button. I heard Nikki's door open. Nikki came out of his room with his hair in a bun wearing no shirt and black ripped Jean's. He's up pretty early. We looked at each other for a bit until I turned away hearing that the elevator has come. I then heard Jess come out of the room and lock her door and walk down to the elevator. Nikki started walking down to the elevator too. I held the door open and they both got in. It was silent and very awkward. He leaned on the elevator wall and glared at me.

"S...so are the other girls downstairs already by the limo?" I asked Jess trying not to look at Nikki.

"They should be. If not the limo will leave without them." She chuckled.

"Are you a model?" Nikki spoke up still shooting daggers at me.

I tensed up when I heard Nikki speak. He was still angry about yesterday. I didn't even check to see if what I wrote was still on his door. Anyways he already knows I'm a model so I don't know what he's playing at.

"Yes she is. She's also an actress, a very talented one." Jess spoke proudly.

He nodded his head. "Oh really! I thought she was a hall cunt. It was written on her door, my mistake." He grins smugly.

I grinded my teeth together, I shot him a dirty look. He's just lucky Jess is in the elevator or I would have used my heel to hit the smug grin off his face. I know violence is never the answer but in Nikki's case I would make an exception. The doors opened and we all got out.

"Wow that guy is rude." Jess points out.

I looked back at Nikki who went to the front desk asking the clerk for something. I guess this was the end of what ever we had going on.

________

We arrived at the actual venue and it looked amazing. People weren't here yet because we were still setting up but I could tell there was going to be a lot of people coming in. This was definitely different than New York fashion week. It was smaller and less chaotic. New York was hustle and bustle and people were running around all over the place non stop. But here everyone was calm and relaxed.

"All right ladies head to the back and start getting your outfits and make up on." The director shouted.

We all went to the back and got our clothes, hair, and make up did.

"Hello ladies and gentlemen welcome to our February London Fashion week. London Fashion Week takes place twice a year in February and September, showcasing over 250 designers to a global audience of influential media and retailers. It is estimated that orders of over £100m are placed during LFW each season. We hope you all enjoy your self and after the show, we hope you will all attened the reception. Thank you.

The show began and the models started the individual cat walk. I was so excited to see the reaction on everyone's face as we walked. By the end of the show all the models came out together and we wore the same outfits. The show was a hit everything went as planned and I was very happy about it. After the show we attended the reception. I took a lot of pictures with the designers and staff. And all us models took a group picture together. _____ Back at the hotel 12:33 am

The girls all came over to my room and we celebrated the first day of fashion week.

"One day down 4 more days to go woo!" Rachel shouted jumping on my bed.

Jade and a couple of the other girls were drinking wine. But not too much to get themselves drunk.

"Come on ladies we need to toast." Hilary says while pouring wine in the glasses. "Rach, Iman I know you two dont drink but for tonight we got to celebrate." She hands us a glass.

We both look at each other and start giggling. I mean I already got drunk before but it wasn't my fault. I guess I could have a tiny sip.

"Alright Iman how about we link arms and do this together." Rachel laughed coming to me.

"Ok but not too much." I giggled.

We both linked arms and sipped a bit of the wine. All the girls started cheering. We ended the night by taking several pictures with each other, telling funny stories, and exchanging phone numbers with each other. It was a night I would never forget.

2:30 am

I heard banging on my door. At first I thought it was just a dream when I heard it the first few times but now I realized it was really someone banging. I got out of my bed, turned on my bedroom light, and walked to the living room. The banging continued, so I went to the door and looked through the peek hole and noticed a familiar face that I have seen before. The man looked like he was holding someone up. I was a bit scared so I didn't want to open the door.

"W....who are you? I'm going to call the police if you don't get away from my door." I whispered shouted.

"Iman it's Andy...Andy Mccoy. I have Nikki with me he's in pretty bad shape. Please open the door love." He shouted.

I opened the door and in tumbled Nikki and Andy both falling to the floor.

"I...Iman help please." Nikki whimpered.

"Oh my God Andy what happened?" I asked getting down to help Andy pick up Nikki.

"Hang on love let's get him into your room." We both picked Nikki up. God Nikki is very heavy I felt like my back was about to break. We carried Nikki into my room and as we were getting him to the bed he threw up on my carpet.

"Here lay him down on my bed." I directed Andy while moving my blanket.

Nikki is layed on my bed whimpering and moaning in pain.

"What happened Andy?" I asked with worry.

"Motley were playing the first of two concerts at London's Hammersmith Odeon. And me and the boys in my band Hanoi Rocks came to watch the performance, and so did Brian Connolly from the Sweet."

As Andy is talking, Nikki gets up and runs to the washroom and starts puking in the toilet. We both run after him, and I pull Nikkis hair back to keep it from getting in his face.

"After the show, Nikki and I grab a taxi in search of scoring some hero... um drugs." Andy stutterers and scratches his head.

He's obviously not being truthful.

"We ended up finding a dealer on the street that shoots Nikki up inside a house, because he was already feeling too wasted to inject."

"Wait what? What do you mean shooting up and injecting?" I snap and grab Andy by his collar shaking him.

"Nikki passed out and I tried to wake him up by putting ice in his pants." Andy panics.

"I...Iman my body hurts fuck." Nikki whimpers falling on the washroom ground.

I turn around letting Andy go and try to pick Nikki up. "Help me put him on my bed again Andy!" I yell.

We pick Nikki up and bring him back to my bed. Nikki smells like a dumpster, mixed with alcohol, sweat, and barf. His clothes had barf on it so I start ripping it off. That's when I notice he had huge bruises all over his chest and shoulders. My eyes went wide and I looked at Andy.

"What the hell happened to him Andy? Who did this?" I was furious at this point.

"The dealer tried to revive him by hitting him all over with a baseball bat." Andy mumbled.

I wanted Andy to stop talking cause at this point he was only fueling my anger.

"When that didn't work, the dealer carried him outside on his shoulder to throw him into a trash dumpster. But Nikki vomited on his shoes and woke up." Andy mumbled again.

I looked at Andy and saw red. I cant even remember my fist connecting with Andy's jaw. All I saw Andy do, was fall back into my dresser and hit his head on it. I winced at the feeling of my knuckles in pain after I punched him.

"Iman I'm sorry." He pleaded as I started punching him while he was on the ground with my other hand.

"Get out! Now!" I shouted in anger. He got up and ran out the door.

"Iman it hurts, oh God my body hurts." Nikki whimpered.

"Ok hang on Nikki." I say walking to him.

I started stripping off his clothes until he was fully naked. He whimpered and groaned in pain as I touched the bruises on his body. How could someone do that to him. I put my arm underneath the back of his neck and my other arm behind his back and pulled him up to me in sitting position.

"I...Iman ffffuck!" He groaned in pain.

"Nikki I need to get you in the shower ok. Please try and stand up." I pleaded.

"O..ok." He breathed out.

He wrapped his arm around my neck and I wrapped my arm around his back. I lifted him up and we walked slowly to the washroom. I put the toilet seat down, flushed it while I was at it, and sat him down on the toilet seat while I turned on the shower. I could have easily just let Nikki sleep on my bed but he really stunk and I had to make sure that he had no open cuts on his skin. And if he did, they would need to be cleaned.

"Ok Nik I need to get you in the shower ok." I wrapped my arms around him and lifted him up.

"Iman my fucking chest fuck." Nikki groaned.

"I'm sorry Nik." I calmly mumble.

I get him into the shower and I grab my sponge and start to scrub him down. I turn off the water and grab my towel and wrap it around him and get him out of the shower. We walk back into my bedroom and I sit him down on the bed. I grab some of my Aloe lotion and start to lotion his skin with it. Especially where he has the bruises to make sure they dont get worse. As I'm lotioning his skin I notice on his arm that his cephalic vein had been punctured with what looked like needle marks. There was dry scabbing but also a fresh needle mark. I rubbed that part with a lot of Aloe. I walked back to the washroom to grab listerine. I grab Nikkis mouth and pour the listerine into his mouth. His breath really smelt like barf.

"Hang on Nik let me get the garbage so you can spit into it." I say running to grab the garbage. When I get back he has already spit out the listerine on my carpet. I sigh and put the garbage down.

"Ok Nik let's get you into bed."

I help shuffle him properly on to my bed so he can lay down. I move off the bed and take off my t-shirt that's wet from showering Nikki. I walk to the washroom and grab more towels. I spread one down where he spit out the listerine then spread one where he barfed. I walk over and pick up his clothes, I start feeling around his pockets for his room key. I finally find them and turn to grab my robe. I put it on and leave my room to head to his room. When I get to his room I open the door and his room looks like a war zone. Clothes were every where, dirty dishes were on the side of the wall, and the stench was overwhelming. I dropped Nikki's dirty clothes and walked to his suitcase pulling out clean clothes. I grabbed his clean clothes then left his room making sure to lock the door behind me. I enter back into my room locking my door and walking into my bed room.

"Iman...please.... I need you." Nikki let out a muffled moan.

I climbed on to the bed and cuddled with him. "I'm here Nikki." I whispered and kissed his chest where he had the bruise.

He was shivering and sweating so I lifted the blanket so it would be covering him and I wrapped my arm tightly around him.

"Please dont leave me." He groaned in pain.

"I won't." I whispered and kissed his chest again.

He rolled us over so that I would be laying on my back and he would be on top of me. He rested his head on my chest and wrapped his arms tightly around my back. I then wrapped my arms securely around him like he was a child that I had to protect from the monsters out in the world.

[reesewestonarchive]

chapter five / rem belongs to @forlornraven / masterpost / mature content

I don’t have a tag list so if you’re interested lemme know

South of the California border, Nakoa finds it.

The weather’s good, better than the Midwest, and Rem’s attitude is better. Freer.

Nakoa likes him like this. He buys booze and cigarettes with money that he won in pool in Vegas, and Nakoa makes a deal with a hippie they meet outside a record store for weed, and strolls the streets of Ferris, California high as a kite.

He feels pretty fucking good when he finds it, a tiny shop tucked away in between a coffeeshop and a consignment store. Music plays so loud it drifts onto the street, and Nakoa steps inside after he puts his joint out.

The shop owner lifts a hand at him in greeting, but says nothing. There’s a sign overhead that reads, DISCOUNT CASSETTES - $2 and Nakoa makes his way there, ignoring the albums and the deep seated desire he has to own them again.

When he gets a job. When he settles down.

London Calling sits right on top, along with a few other albums. Nakoa peeks inside, makes sure they’re right, that they’re really the one he wants, and… they are. All of them in damn near pristine condition.

Nakoa blinks. Picks up all three albums, puts them carefully on the counter and slaps seven dollars on the counter as well.

The clerk blinks at him. “Cassettes?”

“The van only has a tape deck.” Nakoa prefers it. CDs scratch, they skip. A tape deck can be rewound, if the ribbon comes out. Spliced back together.

The sound quality sucks, but Nakoa’ll make do.

The clerk shoves the tapes into a brown paper bag, and Nakoa leaves.

Stuffs it into his pocket, and continues down the street, taking in the city.

LA’s bigger, but Ferris is huge. Nakoa feels anonymous, here, lost amongst the sea of suits and skirts. There’s freedom, here, in a way Nakoa isn’t used to, even from the days in car from Withervale.

He crosses the crosswalk, wonders what Rem’s doing now. If he found another idiot to hustle, if he’s gambling.

If he’s still lying in the room at the motel, like he was when Nakoa left him.

“Hey,” Nakoa says, when he opens the door to the motel room, digging for the joint as he does. “I have something for—”

The motel room is fucking trashed. The bed upended, the TV sideways on the floor, scratches in the walls. Broken tables.- light flickers from where it hangs on the wall, and.

There’s a lot of fucking blood. Nakoa’s mouth goes dry, and he takes a careful step forward into the room. Wonders if he should say anything. If he should call Rem’s name, or turn around and leave.

Th van still sits in the parking lot, though, so Nakoa steps forward, into the room.

“Rem?” he calls, quiet, then louder. “This some kind of fucking trick?”

Shallow breathing, and Nakoa wishes he had a weapon. But then, Rem’s arm comes over the side of the bed, still donned in the bracelets he always wears. Relief might wash through him were it not for the blood.

“What the fuck?”

Rem staggers to his feet. “It’s—fine. Shut up.”

“There’s—” Nakoa makes a gesture to the walls. “No!” He feels a bit like he’s flailing in the water, trying not to drown when he should know how to swim. It’s not the first time. It won’t be the last.

“It’s not mine,” Rem says, like that’s supposed to help. His voice is strained. He’s holding his side, limping, and—”Don’t give me that look, Warren.”

Nakoa clenches his jaw. “What happened.”

His brain is a fog of relaxation and weed and Rem is a fan blowing it all away.

Rem sits on the edge of the bed. Surveys the damage. “The van’s still out there, right?”

“That’s not a fucking answer!”

His voice sounds too loud in the space, and someone knocks on the walls, harsh and Nakoa has half a mind to ask them what the fuck happened.

The album weighs heavy in his pocket. He says, “Rem. What the fuck?”

A beat and then Rem snaps, “Like you’re some kind of fucking saint.” Before Nakoa can respond, he says, “I was cleaning up your mess.”

“What mess?!” What has Nakoa done, aside from shop, get high, fake ID himself into a liquor store; beside put the idea of leaving in Rem’s head to begin with—besides pay for the fucking motel rooms and food, and—

Nakoa grits his teeth.

“You’re an addict,” Rem says, pot calling the kettle, and, Nakoa sees red. “And you’re more trouble than you’re worth, you know that?” His tone falls flat on his tongue and, hell. Nakoa grinds his teeth, angry and lost and heartbroken. “Always looking for your next fix.”

“Fuck you,” Nakoa says, and wishes the blood on the walls were Rem’s, because maybe then he’d shut up. “You—” He wants to punch him, but—

Rem stares at the walls, at the floor, his voice sharp when he says, “Why’d I fucking come with you?”

His tone is vicious. Nakoa’s not sure he’s ever heard him so fucking irritated, so irate, so cruel. Rem says a lot of shit, his mouth gets him into trouble in more than one way, but Nakoa’s not used to being on the receiving end.

“What the fuck did I do? Besides give a shit about you, want you to be happy?” Nakoa grits his teeth. He can’t throw punches, really wants to knee Rem in the dick for this, for dragging Nakoa across the country and pulling this on him because—

Because he got fucking scared.

Rem’s still talking, continuing to throw shit around the room, cursing Nakoa’s tendencies towards whiskey and weed, at the one time he tried heroin, voice growing louder and louder until Nakoa snaps.

“You want me gone, I’m gone. Take the fucking van.” Nakoa pulls the albums from his jacket, holds them in the air, then throws them at Rem’ chest, grateful for the way he flinches, for the clack the cases make as they fall to the floor. “Good fucking luck.”

He turns, then, sticks his hands in his pocket, and disappears through the door to the room.

“Where are you going, Warren?” Rem calls, stalking after him.

“Doesn’t matter. Not here.”

Panic might settle in his chest, if it weren’t for the weed clouding his head. He’ll figure it out. Sell himself, if he has to.

But Rem grabs at Nakoa’s arm, desperation written across his face, and Nakoa almost gives. Almost. “I’m—Nakoa. Come on.”

Just fucking once, Nakoa wishes he’d say please. “What?”

Rem licks his lips, lets go of Nakoa’s wrist. “Don’t make me say it.”

Because it’s so terrible. Nakoa goes, anyway, won’t, doesn’t listen.

It starts raining. Nakoa walks around town, without Rem at his side, and in Ferris, it’s hard to not draw attention. Nakoa ducks into a bar, flashes a fake ID, and downs three shots of whiskey in one go. It’s smooth, warm, gentle.

The things Rem aren’t, and Nakoa knows he won’t find an answer at the bottom of a shot glass, but.

Worth a try, anyway.

He keeps to his own, glaring at anybody that tries for conversation. Nakoa’s chest aches with fury, but as the night wears on, and the clock ticks closer to last call, Nakoa regrets leaving.

Did Rem leave, Nakoa wondered. If all that’s left is Nakoa’s shit. Would he? Would Rem leave him here? Alone in a strange town. Nakoa’s been left in worse places, but the idea that Rem left, without him, is… fuck, he wishes he could call him. Talk to him without seeing his face.

He closes his eyes and shoves his palms against his eyes. The bartender clicks her tongue and says, “Suck it up, sweetie. Life just gets more exhausting the older you get.”

With a peek through his fingers, Nakoa says, “Great.” Life already seems pretty shit. Nakoa can’t take much more. “That’s uplifting.”

“Not my job to reassure,” she says, and Nakoa thinks he’d sleep with her, if she asked. “My job is to pour shots. You ready for round two?”

Round two ends up in the alleyway behind the bar, smell of vomit and alcohol pungent in the air. Maybe Nakoa’s not the only one drowning a past he’d rather not remember.

-

Rem is beside himself at the motel, pacing back and forth with his keys in his hand when Nakoa stumbles through the front door. “Thank fuck,” Rem says, his expression so relieved it looks painful.

Like nothing he’s ever felt before, Nakoa wants to touch. Rest his head against Rem’s chest and wrap his arms around his torso. Press his nose against Rem’s jaw, and…

“Are you okay?”

Nakoa nods. The world spins. He shakes his head. Closes his eyes against the onslaught of nausea and says, “Move,” shoving Rem out of the way and heading to the bathroom to dry heave into the toilet.

Sick sounds echo off the tile in the room, and Nakoa’s muscles ache, but he sits for an hour. Half an hour, until he stops feeling woozy. Until he can get up and…

He makes it to the other room, collapses on the bed. Just a second later and Rem sits beside him, drawing his fingers through Nakoa’s hair with feather light touches.

Nakoa hums. Pushes against Rem’s hand.

“Feeling any better?”

No. Nakoa says nothing, squirms down to rest his head on Rem’s lap, though, one leg on the floor to keep the spinning in his head down. Even the thought of talking sends his stomach into twists, so he draws his nails along the seam of Rem’s jeans.

With a sigh, Rem starts working at Nakoa’s shoulders. It’s as much of an apology Nakoa thinks he’ll ever get. “I’m glad you came back,” he says, his voice soft and quiet. Nakoa waits, for an explanation, for anything, but Rem says nothing. Not about that, anyway. Not about what Nakoa wants him to say. “We could stay here,” he suggests instead.

“No,” Nakoa says. He hates California already. “Mountains.”

Before he passes out, he hears Rem’s soft chuckle, thinks he must imagine the fondness seeping through.

When Nakoa wakes, it’s to the dim glow of the television, Rem’s soft breathing behind him. Rem’s arm is a comfortable weight over Nakoa’s waist.

He has, he notes with distaste, vomit in his hair, and the entire room smells of it—and lemon cleanser, distantly.

Nakoa pulls a hand up to scrub at his face, stare at the ceiling.

Thinks this place is garbage. In a way, he misses the midwest. He never got in trouble in the midwest… at least, not like this.

He shoves Rem’s arm off his waist and sits. Sits on the edge of the bed and feels a thousand years old, a headache that pounds at the back of his skull like a hammer.

“Mm?” Rem says, reaching out. His fingers brush the back of Nakoa’s shirt. “You okay?”

“Fine,” Nakoa says. “Go back to sleep.”

He goes for a shower, then, cold not by choice but by poor water heaters, lets the chill wash goosebumps over his skin. Nakoa’s been high once, one time since they left Withervale, and… what would the hippie have to do with him, now? Nakoa paid. He paid extra, even, because he liked the guy.

…is that what he did wrong?

The door to the bathroom opens. Through the frosted glass door, Nakoa makes out Rem’s form as he comes in. Still, Nakoa says nothing, turns away, shoves his face under the water.

Not sure if it’s shame or anger keeping him from speaking.

The door slides open after a minute and Nakoa hears, feels Rem’s presence as he climbs in behind him. “Shit that’s cold—” he says, and presses himself against Nakoa’s back.

“What are you doing?” Nakoa asks, his voice barely audible over the roar of the water. Rem presses his lips to Nakoa’s shoulders in a kiss. He’s tired. He aches, everywhere, but especially his stomach, his shoulders, with the effort of throwing up. The last thing he wants to do right now is balance for shower sex, or get on his knees.

But Rem’s hand doesn’t travel downward, doesn’t go anywhere except around Nakoa’s waist to tug him tight against him. He’s not hard, either. Not yet. Nakoa’ll give it five minutes and call it.

“You freaked me out,” Rem says, his voice soft. “Thought… what if he doesn’t come back?”

Nakoa goes still, his eyes set on the small bar of soap sitting on the ledge, but that’s… it. Doesn’t say anything else, doesn’t know that he can. His toes are starting to feel like ice. He twists the hot water all the way to the left, but even as the water finally starts to warm up, Rem is still like a fire against his back.

“I don’t know what I’d do without you?”

“This supposed to be an apology?” Nakoa asks. He reaches for the soap, not sure if he cares about pissing Rem off, now. Let him be pissed. What’s he going to do, leave Nakoa here? “It’s pretty fucking lacking.”

“Fuck you,” Rem says. His voice isn’t as harsh as Nakoa thinks he means for it to be, though. Instead, it’s… softer, quiet. Gentle, and Nakoa suppresses a shudder when Rem brushes his lips along the back of his neck. He pushes Nakoa’s wet hair out of the way and adds, “It’s good you came back.”

All the right sentiment and the wrong words. Nakoa relents, finally, says, “Don’t have anywhere else to go.” And he doesn’t. He’s not sure what might await him at home, but he’s not keen on finding out. The other options are hardly appealing—wandering the countryside as a homeless weirdo… Nakoa’ll pass.

Even at his worst, Rem’s still the best thing that’s ever happened to Nakoa. A lifetime of shit led them here, in this moment.

“What do you want from me?”

The water pounds against Nakoa’s skin, almost aching now in its heat. He closes his eyes, rubs soap against his body, and thinks. Commitment’s too much to ask. Nakoa’s not sure he wants it anyway. What would he do with commitment?

“I don’t know,” Nakoa says.

Rem doesn’t speak, after that.

The bed feels better after cleaning the grime off, so just as daylight begins to peek out of the curtains, Nakoa climbs back under the covers. The sheets smell like Rem and spilled whiskey, and he inhales once, twice, heavy and deep, before he settles in.

His head isn’t pounding as bad, anyway. Finally.

Rem’s pulling on his boots at the small table, though. He pauses before he ties the last one, his gaze heavy enough on Nakoa that Nakoa opens an eye, then two. He croaks, “What?” and doesn’t expect an answer.

“I’ll be back later.”

And out the door he goes.

The trouble is, Nakoa’s used to Rem’s disappearances. Before the door’s even locked behind Rem, Nakoa’s eyes are closed again. Rem does better no questions asked, so Nakoa doesn’t ask. Figures if it’s important, Rem will tell him.

He dreams of white picket fences, of guys with clubs and bats, of broken windows and Rem’s bloody knuckles. Of motel rooms across the country, of Disneyland. Of being happy, and Nakoa thinks, that’s what he should have told Rem, when he asked in the shower what Nakoa wanted from him.

Happiness.

[studysnooze]

i kind of felt like i needed to make this post because i have been stressed out of my actual mind as of late and that isn’t helping me with my anxiety so i thought i would share some tips with you guys- friends in hopes that this helps you and also in turn helps me bc i am s t r u g g l i n g right now haha 

If you find yourself in panic attack/mental breakdown situations (during studying, sleeping, whenever):

1. TAKE A DEEP BREATH: this is legit some of the most underrated advice but this is so so so so so important. i often find myself holding my breath without thinking and even if you look stupid forcing yourself to breath between shaking and crying just do it. please. you will instantly feel better because bottling things up is legit the most toxic thing you could do to yourself

2. if the resource is there: talk to someone. talk to a trusted adult like a teacher, mentor, counselor, or even your parents. i know how it is: you might not trust them, believe me- i have had a fair share of adults who have let me down from time to time and trust me, once you find someone that is perfect for you to talk to, you will cherish that person for the rest of your life. I will never forget my first middle school counselor, i don’t know her name mainly because i was having a panic attack when i met her but i’ll remember her face and her hospitality forever. and she was a stranger to me at the time: sometimes you need that outside stranger to talk to you know? that way, you get a less biased? (idk weird wording there but you get it) response

3. FOOD AND WATER: i cannot tell you how bad i am at drinking water like it’s hopeless at this point but its SOOO important for you! pleaseee drink water. i think water tastes like nothing and it’s pointless to drink it but that is really crazy thinking so don’t follow me on that please because i am seriously working on it these days and my skin has started to clear up majorly but i also feel so much better in general? like hydration does wonders i’m serious- you might not even notice but it’s doing something nice at least to your body. food food food food food please eat something. i know sometimes when i dont eat a few meals because i am so caught up in work, i forget what it feels like to be hungry and that is absolutely ridiculous, do not skip that many meals. i don’t care if your grade depends on it tomorrow for chem or that you need to finish your slide for that group project: if you cannot remember what you ate last literally drop whatever you are doing and get a freaking granola bar- not even- get a sandwich, some chips, and a water or a salad or some carrots and hummus LITERALLY ANYTHING put it in your mouth and chew it slowly and savor your food and thank the universe that your food is making you more energetic to complete your work because honestly not eating makes you feel so weak and it shuts you down. and you know what? when you shut down, it gives you more room to be stressed and anxious because that happens to me too many times in my life and it is the worst feeling in the world: being anxious, sleep deprived, weak :( its not okay and i need my people to stop suffering so eat your carrots kiddos❤

4. nap! this is also extremely simple but soooo underrated. literally nap for like 10 minutes and you will feel SO GOOD afterwards. i know it takes me at least 30 minutes to fall asleep because that’s just me but as soon as i feel sleepy, i turn on my alarm. shutting your brain off for a few minutes does wonders: it actually recharges and resets your brain for a little bit and as long as you don’t sleep for too long, you will wake up more motivated than ever before! 

4.5 going off of the previous point: if you are truly tired, sleep. sleep. sleep. i cannot tell you this enough. there is absolutely no point and no shame in going to bed if you have a headache, your eyes are closing and you cannot focus anymore. plain and simple: it’s just a major waste of time and you will have to end up studying it again anyways. i try to get to bed around 11 which i know is already pushing the late boundaries but if you go to sleep and really, truly, need to finish your work in the morning, wake up a couple hours earlier and finish it quickly- maybe catch a few more z’s. it’s better to get your hours in earlier and wake up feeling better than going to bed at 4:30 (cough thanks nonso) and waking up 3 minutes before school because you shut off your alarm. i’m only telling you guys my stupid mistakes just so you know there are consequences to not following this advice people- this is first hand experience haha

5. TAKE YA MEDS KIDDOS: that’s literally it, you may have forgotten and now are in deep doodoo with yourself whoops set a reminder

if you have trouble sleeping/resting at night or whenever:

1. i have had trouble staying asleep throughout the night for the past few years now. i’m not sure how it started but my brain is just too hot wired these days to stay put: there are some quick things i do when i wake up shaking, panicking, restless, miserable, whatever in the middle of the night: 

 listen to rain sounds on spotify

listen to my favorite podcasts (i gotta make a post about this, message me if you want podcasts like asap after reading this something)

watch “planet earth” or “round planet” on netflix-  round planet is by BBC so there’s that old british guy talking and i think it’s nice :) overall, it’s super therapeutic i highly recommend 

make a warm cup of tea or milk: i usually put honey and cinnamon in my milk or honey in my tea and it’s quite nice i think, it makes me sleepy again

sometimes i wrap myself in extra blankets and cuddle with more stuffed animals to help me fall/fall back asleep. i think there is some nostalgic feeling about being tucked in and being all warm and safe that makes me calm down again i’m not sure why 

if you’re having trouble focusing while studying (i got through this at least once a day omg):

1. take a breather! drinks a glass of cold water, stare around the room for a bit, walk around the neighborhood or the house or the library or wherever you are for a bit- get that blood flowing again

2. look at something motivational! i have a motivation tag kind of thing on my page called #feelgood so you can check it out if you want haha but there are tons of motivational videos and posts from the studyblr community so :)

3. study something you are interested first! this is by far the most useful study advice i have ever received because it motivates me to subconsciously focus my brain and keep me in a “grind” kind of mood 

3.5 related to the previous point, study in small chunks! also switch up on the subject if you get bored.

4. do a hobby! i LOVE reading for fun during study breaks or when i can’t focus especially when i’m super interested in the book because i get sucked into that universe and after i finish a chapter i want to finish more work in order to keep reading- it’s great. i also love doodling intricate designs on my moleskine to keep my busy and i also like writing poems or editing photos. just find something that is calming to you in order to give your brain a break! once you have that little reset, i promise you will feel better going back to work 

5. stop studying? sometimes i burnt out in the middle of studying and you just have to realize when you’ve reached your limit for the night/day so just stop and get some sleep, there’s nothing wrong with sleeping or taking a rest just a reminder <3 and sometimes that means you can get back to your work later or not and that’s okay :)

along with my finals series, i’m going to dedicate an entire post for reasons as to why you should stop comparing yourself so look for that in the next couple of days or so :) 

and just a reminder that you can do it! no matter your barriers you WILL overcome them with flying colors and you will have an amazing summer very soon✨

love,

Nonso

[thisnerdsadventures]

how operating systems went for me

the beginning

In the beginning, there was doubt. And fear. But mostly doubt, because I “sort of” knew C, and I could /kind of/ figure out page tables, and I took the prereq for the class, so it shouldn’t be that bad? Well, I was expecting it to be bad, but absolutely nothing worse than 046 right? because that was known to be the worst of CS at this school, so nothing could be worse than that....right?

Wrong. WRONG! First class I was like, ah you know, i know Linux. I’ve OPENED A FILE BEFORE. I know what a FILE DESCRIPTOR IS. (wrong. i truly did not know what a file descriptor was, in all of its essence.) If you read my Admissions post, you’d know that my life was in the process of being truly wrecked by my paper revisions, so I wasn’t able to start on the first lab until the weekend, and it took me around an hour to do the first exercise, which was really one solid line of code, and I was like well ok, there’s only like five exercises, shouldn’t be too bad.

WRONG AGAIN! the last exercise will forever be engraved in my brain as xargs because it took me and my friend K a solid TEN HOURS. to do the last exercise. JUST THE LAST ONE. It was the first time in maybe like a year I went to an office hours. I had never spent so long thinking about recursion in my life. I have really vivid memories of sitting at the rooftop garden with K at the poolside chairs near the Marriott staring back at the googz office, tear streaming down my face, as I thought ahead about whether I should drop the class early. (ok it wasn’t this dramatic, but I was definitely staring longingly at the coffee baristas through the window.)

And after we finished the lab, we thought, oh maybe this is just a poor learning curve. Maybe it gets better from here.

the crisis begins

*say it with me this time* WROOOOONG - we really thought the next lab would be better because it seemed like the last exercise of the last lab, but slightly expanded. but L o L! we had spent a solid five hours with no progress up until like 3am, when I lied in bed in the dark and panic emailed my advisor, asking to meet the next day. There is a calendar event in my calendar called Cry to John (john’s my advisor). I spent perhaps the entire next day up until my meeting at 4pm working on the lab, making a bit more progress after going to office hours. During my meeting, I relayed how hard the class had been so far, and whether I should drop it to the undergrad version of the class, and it got to the point where I was just like “but its just. SO HARD” and he replied “....it’s a grad class dude”

After I returned home, I consulted my head of house and he also suggested I either drop the class or drop it to the undergrad version. I really was like “lol my dude, I’m already only on 42 units, I can’t really just drop this class. it’s already like two and a half weeks into the semester.” So I ended up dropping it to undergrad status.

A few more late nights pulled because I *surprise* have OTHER CLASSES other than this one, and I still ended up staying up til nearly 3am the night before career fair finishing up the lab. A total of more than 20 hours spent on this lab, and I thought, maybe just maybe this would be the hardest lab.

And the next lab wasn’t too bad. I had spent a solid 12 hours on it, but got it done pretty efficiently. Unfortunately, it was still the time in the semester where I was doing like 1923819238 things and catching up with 1928319238 people, so it felt overwhelming, but wasn’t /that/ bad. so i thought things were turning up! I also met up with my old googz team at around this point and told them that it was a hell class, and they relayed their sympathies.

lazy_alloc

So was it in fact, getting better? WRONGGGGGG. the next lab was perhaps the WORST LAB OF THE ENTIRE CLASS. By this point, we had hit the first week of october, and I had deleted instagram off my phone in an attempt to better focus on classes. due to other things happening, like various house gov events, an 18.06 exam, and another pset, I was only able to put in around 6 hours of office hours time on this lab before Wednesday night, where K and I quickly realized that this shit was no joke, unlike the last lab. We had also met our other friend at office hours who would become the third member of our group chat kalloc==0 (iykyk), and we befriended her after including her in our sarcastic comments about lazy allocation. It was maybe four hours into an all-nighter that we went to Verdes, realized Verdes was closed, and proceeded to sit on the floor of the student center and yell about how hard this class was.

It was then like 5am, and I decided to sleep and wake up in the morning to look at it again. It was then 8:30 am, and then it was 12pm, and then it was 4pm, and I had mandatory class. My friend passed me in Stata and asked how i was, and i replied “look at me. LOOK AT ME”

It was then 6pm. I had spent 20 hours of the past 24 hours doing this lab. and the most extraordinary thing happened -- I got the OK. I cried. I weeped. I texted my friends and let them know I was alive. And I slept for a long time.

exam szn

Ok truly, things could not get that much worse after this right? WRONGGGGGG. the first exam was just around the corner! After maybe a week of rest, I started the grind, a painful realization that I knew nothing, I did not truly know what a page table was, I had no idea how a system call worked, and the throwing shit at the wall style of doing the labs was indeed going to catch up with me. It was the long weekend, but I was still studying 4-6 hours a day on top of everything else I was doing, and many nights in the student center were spent in sadness. I barely remember anything from this caffeine/adrenaline fueled week. And I got a whopping 40% on the exam! yay me

All I remember after the exam was crying from shock in Stata after the exam because it was so hard, eating too much at hot pot and nearly throwing up in the Uber, and almost punching a hole in the ceiling because I was so happy that my score was not single digits. I was actually so tired after a week of studying nonstop that I had to S^3 one of my other psets because I legitimately could not think nor read. My friend was then like why dont you just yeet to new york for a break, and i was like who in the right mind would do that??? and then i yeeted to new york (as you can read about in another post of mine). Truly an amazing decision because I really needed a break from that craziness. After that, the learning curve did chill a little. My life though? no, I went to Princeton for a hackathon, stayed up all night doing stuff for our party, and then managed to finish the very last lab of the class right before Thanksgiving break.

the finish line

This brings us to the last week of the semester, where I thank my lucky stars I dropped to the undergrad version of the class, because I watched K suffer through a whole week of all nighters for the final project, in which I definitely would have straight up had a mental breakdown, because that week was still somehow one of the worst weeks of the semester for me (two poster sessions, exam, two week pset). But luckily I was straight up j chilling until the final because i had finished the last lab before break.

obviously, this takes us to last week, which was our finals week, where I spent 40-50 hours over the course of a week just studying for this exam, which features a day where I had done a midterm from 9am-12pm and then proceeded to study from 2pm to 2am for this operating systems class, and I had had three cups of coffee, which I don’t strongly recommend as a life decision. But after much strife and anxiety, I had mustered out a 60/76 on the final exam, which I thought was a solid B, but much to my shock and my other friend’s delight (she checked my class grade for me), I actually somehow got an A after this shit of a class, despite not knowing how to use a pointer 3 months ago, despite trying to survive against grad students, despite having to pour 18239128983x energy into understanding lectures??? somehow. anyways, now i am absolutely sure I have gone through the worst thing you could ever go through in this school. if anything turns out to be harder than this, i’m pretty sure it’s not worth it lol

[titandnene]

Hey I need to say this to you Lauren.

I dont know the best was to express or say how I feel but I’m finally at a point where I need to explain myself fully for all I’ve done and why i keep coming back into your life. For the past 3 years my life has been a rollercoaster through stages of hell that I really need to tell you about because in the darkest parts of it the idea of what we were and you in general have been my only light. That’s the reason why I’ve been popping back into your life when I’m sure you would rather have it otherwise. The night that we first tripped togther really shows the power that I see in the universe and how horribly cruel honest and true to form it can be about life. Lauren it had to happen the way it folded out. And I learned that it always does no matter what you want. The beginning of it like the beginning of us was great but that moment when I was facing the door and immediately snapped back to look at you started a chain of events that no one was prepared for. That’s when I started to go “crazy” or my mind started to twist my life started to twist everything started to go out of whack. That’s when me being here with you and me always coming back into your life started to turn things bad in my life. I’m deeply sorry for making you cry during the trip but what you don’t know is what happened after you left. I started to plan out what I would think would be our life together. And that was also my first manic episode.

After your left I started writing on the table and in my note book about a surf shack that we were going to have and this fantastic life that was going to happen because I could see it all in that moment. I felt like I knew it all in that moment. But the reality was I was having my first manic episode. Mania makes me feel like that. Like I have the world and it’s story and the universe and it’s story and our story tied up together and I just have to talk it into existence and it will happen the way I say it will. I felt like I had so much energy and enlightenment just pouring out of me and people were on the same brain wave that I was. But it’s never the case.

I was writing and then I finished with the thought of the universe could be this place that I’m envisioning or I could just be crazy and loosing my mind. And then I sunk deep down into that hole. Thinking that my mind was broken and that I couldnt stop this train that was my brain. So I got in bed shut my eyes and just wished for sleep and it came and I woke up the next day fine like back to normal. Hoping that you would still want to be with me after what I did to you that night.

That in essence has been the last three years on repeat starting January 1st 2016.

It’s a cycle of slowing going manic. Mania brings in good feelings and somehow you get involved in my head. That then branches out to me trying to contact you because if this vision that I’m so clearly seeing. And then the destruction of that vision as the episode ends.

On that day I started to go crazy or manic. I dont really know how but by the 4th I was in the back of an ambulance loosing my mind. My universe was fracturing reality was loosening I thought that everyone was going to die and I was going to be alone forever. So they put me in the hospital and they were running test and I was like a wild animal because I had no idea what was going on and then the seeds of my psychosis started being planted. Because within all of that madness I had one light one person that my mom made me think of and that was you. I was talking about the color of your eyes. And then I saw a girl that I thought was you enter a room but I didnt see her face. But I assumed it was you. But the seed was the idea of you always being just in the other room waiting for me. It’s been a constant theme when I’ve become manic. After some weird things happening they wheeled me away to get a brain scan. As they were wheeling me away and I tried to get away because I thought that they were going to do something like “dissect me” or take away a part of me that made me me. That part is hard to explain but. This part isn’t. I accepted the fate that they were going to take all that away that I was going to not come back the same. I put my hand over my heart and said the name Sandy. This was the first solid root of my psychosis that revolves around us. Sandy was the name of a daughter that I saw us having. And it was basically me saying if they are going to take me away i hope she’ll live.

I made it out of the MRI alive and eventually found sleep and woke up the next day still manic. But thing about mania is when your in it you never know that you are. It’s a lobster in water that’s slowly rising in temperature. Once it’s boiling it’s adjusted so it doesn’t know the difference. You just feel normal.

The next day they had me admitted to a inpatient mental hospital. That’s where you called me and we talked. The first few days were a manic mess. I was going crazy I thought that there was a game that had to be played that was going to get me to leave. I thought that my life was going to be this road trip to all these places to save the world. You basically think that you’re jesus and an undercover spy and you have to solve the clues to get out. After seven days in there I got out. But because it was my first time with mania I was still kind of on a high. It’s like coming back from the moon. I made it into the atmosphere of earth but Not quite back to ground and even then not on target. I’m lucky if I hit the ocean.

So I went into a day program where you meet kids who are going through similar things as you. People with depression mania and everything. I meet some people it was nice the first time. But it was a rough start. What made it tougher was the fact that the day that I got out of the mental hospital was the day after classes began at HP. So even if I wanted to, I couldn’t go back. My parents wanted me at the house and monitored on my new medication making sure I sleep and don’t go back into mania. I think I still might have been smoking weed at the time I’m not completely sure but I picked up 2 classes at the school that I’m at now still went to group and truly fucked things up with you.

The last messages that we sent to one another I really regret. I didnt like how I was pushing you away and trying to bring you close. How I wanted an open relationship when I really didn’t even know what it entailed I just wanted to keep you for emotional support and fuck other people. I remember sitting somewhere and having that talk and hearing you cry on the other end of the line and that’s just not right. And then the last Facebook messages that we sent where I was a true asshole and manic because I was smoking weed and it triggers my mania. And how I ended the relationship with a saw and a sawed off.

The next parts is so I can round everything out and really get this psychosis out of me so take it or leave it I need to write it out.

My mom says I have a season when it comes to mania but really it’s just when I start smoking weed and loosing sleep and stop taking my meds. But the next time I got manic was almost a year to the day. If you want to really see when I get into the manic place look for when I contact you or try to reach out that’s how you know I’m floating back.

The next time was the long haul to the hospital. This time I spent 5 hours talking to myself and making up a fictional son named Steven that you and i would have. Back story lore the reason for his name and universal significance. The whole gambit of this kid. This was also a time where i you were still following me on Spotify and i would look and think that we were communicating through our songs.

Eventually i got to loud and out about everything and got sent back to the hospital and what I now call my restart button. Hospital around winter break then group during classes and then back to the grind until I pick up weed again and then restart. But the time I stopped is worth noting.

After I got out that time and spring summer started rolling around I picked up again but weed wasn’t doing me the same. Instead of making me feel good it started to make me feel like shit. I would get on myself about being stupid that I couldn’t do anything every time I smoked I would just fall deeper into a pit and I couldn’t stop. So the universe made me stop. There was one night where the next chapter of my mental illness would kick in.

I said I was done but my friend called me out and said he’d smoke me up and buy my ticket to go see a movie. It was the worst expierence of my life I had a panic attack that twisted my brain into developing a type of OCD that I now know as Harm OCD. It’s not fun. But what that leads me to is the cocktail that that and mania made me go through and how that lead to the mania endured birth of a 3rd child named staysea. Basically the mania brought on the fictional reality glasses that had been brewing since my last manic episodes and the harm ocd brought on the horrific thing that I did to our child in this other dimensional state which was essentially rape.

Harm ocd is not fun it’s something that i go through every day and regret every day for not listening to the universe when it told me to stop. It’s consistent intrusive thoughts that have to do with violence and sex. It’s like being mind raped by a demon. I dont want these bad things to happen but when I say stop this demon in my head says go and I have to visualize atrocities happen multiple times a day. It’s not fun. But I’m getting better at dealing with it.

After the movie theater I stopped smoking for a while and got better felt better I didnt go to the hospital that January and got through the year. I was finally getting over you coming back into my life in these fantasies and having to deal with it. I metaphorically burried the kids that we had I was getting better. But about a year and half i picked it up again. And I would have moved on and stayed out of your life if not for one moment that started this years run of come ups.

I was at my grandmas old folks home. And she has dementia but I talk to her and her roomate still and I was fiddling with a piece of paper and my brain had been starting to go into a manic space. And my grandmas roommate said something to me which was basically for me to try to reach out to you because “she’s the one for you.” This ticked off my mildly manic brain and then everything that I spent the last years settiling came up and I started to believe in The future that I made back then kids and all. All the past things that I made up started coming back. And I started to try to believe in a universe that follows some narrative that works like a book compared to one that just is.

I ended up having a manic episode and going back to the hospital for the entire month of January this time. I think that was after you messaged me on Instagram. I was pretty manic when I was messaging you but I still had some of myself together. But I got out and here I am now. Trying to come to you with some sort of explanation of my actions towards you.

I hurt you a lot over these past years. Far more than anyone really should. You’ve told me time and time again how you don’t don’t want to see me and just want me to leave but every time I’m close to letting go I pull myself back somehow. For that I’m sorry. This is something that I wanted to write you but never knew how to put into words right. I wrote another letter essentially saying hey I’m coming back down to HP in late April to see Haleigh but I don’t even know if Im going to anymore. I barley have the money and I would halfway want to see you but you don’t deserve to just have me in your face without notice or permission.

You remind me of a time when I didn’t have all this weight on me when life was easy. And I was happy with someone I loved. And how a life with them would be all I ever needed. And that’s probably why I go back to it always because that’s all I want.

But this letter serves you and me better. I think. Life has been really really rough for me and you were a life that I saw that could’ve been and I always regret not just staying loyal to you because of how much i cared about you. Just being patient with us. I just want to fix everything I did. But now moving on is best but I needed to say something like this explaining why. I am the way I am.

It would be nice to talk to you though.

I would want to be your friend or just someone who you don’t hate, someone who you can forgive.

I love you Lauren. You’ve helped me through dark Really lonely times. And the only reason why I come back to you is because there’s no one else who made me feel so loved and secure. I wish that I could go back and advise myself about how good of person you would be to be and to treat you right because of it. You were my ace, the one person who was there for me always. I’m sorry that I couldn’t be a better person to you when I had the chance to.

Thank you for helping me whether you knew it or not.

Jordan.