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philsdrill · 6 years

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Chapter 39: Sometimes It’s Okay to Not Be Okay

Fic Summary: “Everyone had a link with their soulmates, some could hear some of their partners thoughts, some had a tattoo that would appear with their partners name; for me, I knew when they got sick.” For a while Phil has thought that his soulmate might have an eating disorder and doesn’t expect to meet him in the restaurant where he works.

Genre: a lot of fluff, recovery, really fucking domestic, waiter!Phil

Warnings: eating disorders, anorexia, bulimia, hospitals, panic attacks, references to past abuse, mentions of suicide, mentions of self-harm, a lot of awkwardness, small amounts of smut. This is potentially triggering so for your own sake, please think twice about reading if anything this might affect you.

Disclaimer: I don’t have personal experience with eating disorders, but have done some research. If I have anything about them wrong, feel free to send me an ask and I’ll sort it out.

Word Count (for this part): 8.7k

[Uploads will be hopefully every couple of weeks! (follow @philsdrill-updates to hear when I post)]

A/N: It’s a long chapter so it took me a long time, okay. Partially due to the fact I went to Canada for a week and was super busy (featuring jetlag, dehydration and murdering my feet by walking too far)! It was a good time but it kinda put my writing behind by a week. Hope you enjoy!

MASTERPOST

<= Previous Chapter

Dan’s POV:

I never thought I’d find myself working in a café, not after all my issues with food, but here I was. Phil was friends with one of the staff and when he heard they were looking for an extra employee, he wondered if this would be a good opportunity for me. I didn’t even know what I was looking for in terms of a job, but when Phil said his friend was willing to give me a couple of shifts as a trial, I realised there was no harm in trying.

The probationary shifts went well. I found that I was perfectly capable of making and serving sugary coffees and cakes, so long as I wasn’t eating them. In a way, it made me feel a little better about myself, that what I was eating was pretty good in comparison. I occasionally found the doughnuts staring back at me from the counter, but at least I knew to expect them being there. Surprise doughnuts were another story, but when I turned around expecting to see them, I wouldn’t really feel anxious.

Thankfully, my anxiety had been manageable and my new job hadn’t given me anything to be anxious about so far. Phil’s college was just along the road, so sometimes when he had breaks from his cooking classes he would come along to have his lunch or just a coffee. Sometimes I’d be able to have my lunch with him, but not always. Lunch was a busy time and my breaks depended on the shifts and the other staff I was on with. It was quite calming to know he was just five minutes away if I did happen to need him and I think he felt better too, knowing I was nearby.

The other staff were lovely and I’d even go so far as to say I’d made a couple of friends. I usually worked with Sarah and Andy, or at least one of them was usually on the same shift as me. They were both kind people, and I was slowly opening up to them about some of my issues. Sarah, being Phil’s friend that had helped get me the job, already knew about my eating disorder and was nothing but supportive about it from the beginning.

There was one day, when I wasn’t quite feeling like eating, that the prospect of finishing my ham and lettuce sandwich was just too much. I’d eaten almost half of it, but with every bite I took, I felt a little more nauseous, my skin crawling at the thought of the greasy butter that I could feel on my tongue. I didn’t think twice about tossing the rest of it in the food waste, presuming Sarah was too busy working to notice.

“Dan?” she looked up, making eye contact with me and laying a plate down, “You okay? You not eating?”

“No more, can’t do it today,” I said, feeling my words get caught in my throat a little, “Eating makes me feel a bit sick sometimes.”

“How much did you have?” she asked, flipping the lid up on the bin to take a look, “Half?”

“Yeah,” I nodded, filled with a sudden fear that she was going to make me eat more.

“That’s okay,” she nodded, squeezing my arm a little, “Did you have something to drink?”

I shook my head, realising that no, I hadn’t.

“What d’you like? A can of something? Hot chocolate? Blackcurrant squash?” she prompted.

“Uhh blackcurrant squash would be good,” I said, not bothering to think what else I could have; that sounded the best option out of what she suggested.

“Okay great,” she said, getting out a glass and the bottle of squash, making it up for me, “Now go grab a chair from the back and bring it in here.”

I went to get a chair, appreciating the effort she was making to ensure I was okay. As I carried the chair, I felt a bit weak; I knew I really should eat more, but that wasn’t going to help my mental block on doing so.

“Sit down,” she said softly, “Now here’s your juice.”

I sat down on the chair and took the juice from her, starting to sip on it slowly. I wasn’t too bothered by the flavour, but it washed away the buttery sandwich remains from my mouth, something that I welcomed a lot. Part of me was itching to get the bottle and look at the sugar content, but I could feel Sarah keeping an eye on me.

Sarah handed the plate she’d been working on through the front to Andy, then turned back to me. “How’re you doing with that juice?”

“Good,” I nodded, “I think it’s helping ‘cause I don’t feel like I have sandwich in my mouth anymore.”

“Okay good,” she smiled, “Think that’ll keep you going for the afternoon?”

“Hopefully,” I nodded, knowing that my body probably did need more food, but it had coped on less before, so I knew I could do it.”

That afternoon had been a difficult one as I went through various stages of having energy from my juice, then a gap where I felt tired and awful. I wasn’t meant to have a break but Andy made me a hot chocolate and sent me through the back drink it. Thankfully, I made it through the rest of my shift alright, and by dinnertime I was actually feeling up to eating properly again. I’d let Phil know of my struggle, just to keep him in the loop with my mental wellbeing. So far, that had been the only day where my eating disorder had had any effect on me at work.

There was another day where I opened up to Andy about my anxiety. Not long before ten, we had a customer, who came in, ordered a coffee so sit in and sat down in the corner of the cafe it drink it. Being a quiet spell, I found my eyes wandering slightly, not necessarily intending to watch the customer, but doing so anyway. The woman took some pills with her coffee, maybe paracetamol or something, but I didn’t see the packet. I was hit with a sudden realisation, one of those ‘oh shit I forgot something’ moments. I’d forgotten to take my medication this morning.

In realising this, my eyes remained on the customer, my mind elsewhere but my eyes staring at her. Andy must’ve noticed this because they waved a hand in front of my face, “Dan, you okay? You’re staring?”

“Uhhmm… I…” I said, feeling at a loss about what to tell them, “I just realised I forgot to take my medication this morning.”

“D’you need it urgently or is it something you’ll be okay without until later?” Andy asked, their voice calming.

“I think I’ll be okay, but I should text Phil to let him know,” I explained, feeling I needed Phil’s assurance that I would be okay.

“Right, go through the back and text him or whatever,” Andy nodded, “I’m good out here on my own for five minutes.”

I made my way through the kitchen and into the back room, where we left our outdoor clothes and took our breaks. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and opened up a new message to Phil.

Umm I just realised I forgot to take my medication this morning. I’ll be fine without it, right?

Shortly after the message sending, I noticed that Phil was typing.

Yeah, you should be fine! but I have a free hour next so how about I drive home, get it and bring it to you?

Feeling a wave of relief at the thought of taking my medication like I should have, I replied to Phil quickly.

That would be great if you don’t mind? I guess I’m just worried I’ll get withdrawal symptoms or be more prone to having an attack because I havent had it

I hit send, waiting for a confirmation that Phil definitely didn’t mind going to get it for me.

It’s fine, honestly :) I’ll see you in like half an hour

Relieved, I slid my phone back into my pocket and made my way back to the front counter, where I let Andy know the news, “Phil’s got a free hour at college next so he’s going to pop home and bring it here for me.”

“Okay great,” Andy smiled, “That’ll stop you worrying.”

“Yeah,” I nodded, relieved.

“Are you sick or something then if you’re taking medication?” Andy asked slowly, a slightly puzzled expression on their face, “Sorry if its personal, you can ignore me.”

“Not really,” I answered, thinking for a minute; I trusted Andy, so there was no reason I couldn’t just tell them the truth, “I have an anxiety disorder and mild PTSD.”

“Oh… Dan…” Andy said, sounding sorry for me, approaching me with open arms.

I let Andy hug me for a moment, appreciating the little bit of comfort after just telling them such a big thing.

“My uh... ex-girlfriend was verbally abusive about my weight,” I explained, trying to get my head around what I wanted to tell them, “I got out of it when it started to go physical, but I was already in a bad place by then. You know about my eating issues, but I sometimes get flashbacks about her and things she said or did… and then general anxiety about my weight, food, eating habits and even things like stress and big life changes.”

I felt some tears welling in my eyes as I opened up to Andy about my problems. It wasn’t something I’d talked about to anyone other than my therapist, and mine and Phil’s families. I took a deep breath and rubbed my left eye with my thumb, trying to appear stronger than I was feeling.

“Dan,” Andy said softly, “Are you okay? Like at this moment?”

“I’m fine,” I said, my voice cracking, “I just want a hug from Phil.”

“He’ll be here soon,” Andy reminded me, squeezing my shoulder slightly, “You want to go take a seat and get yourself a glass of water, as we’re quiet?”

“I’ll get some water,” I said, not really wanting to leave the front counter in case Phil was early.

I grabbed a clean mug and filled it from the tap, leaning against a clear part of the counter to drink it. I took a few deep breaths to calm me, reminding myself that it was okay that Andy knew, in fact it was probably a good idea for me to have opened up to someone at work about my anxiety problems.

Andy must’ve sensed when I was ready to talk again, because soon a carefully worded question came my way, “Has working here affected your anxiety at all, with you having issues with food?”

“It’s okay most of the time because I’m not the one eating it,” I explained, “The only thing which bothers me is the doughnuts, had a bad experience with them, but I can deal with it.”

“You’ll let me know if you ever start to feel anxious while you’re working, right?” Andy asked, “I can’t say for sure I can help, but I’ll do my best. I understand anxiety to some extent, having struggled with my own mental health.”

“I’ll try,” I said truthfully, knowing I would be able to unless I was just suddenly hit by a panic attack, “If anything happens, I’m sure you’ll know about it.”

“Thanks, I’d like to be able to help if you need it,” Andy nodded, taking the empty mug from my slightly shaking hands and refilling it.

When Phil arrived, we’d just hit a busy spell, where Andy and I were both serving customers. Phil looked like he didn’t quite know whether to stand in line or wait around somewhere. When I spotted his confusion, I waited for the momentary gap between two customers and shouted to him just to head through the back, pointing to the ‘staff only’ door at the back of the café. It would take him through to the breakroom come cloakroom, which I would access through the kitchen.

After serving my next customer, Andy told me to go, insisting that they could deal with the remaining customers. I made my way through the kitchen to the back room, briefly explaining to Sarah on the way, as I grabbed myself a glass of water to take my tablet with.

Phil was sat on a chair near to my coat, my box of antidepressants on his knee. He patted the chair next to him for me to come over, “You’ve got some water, good.”

I sat next to Phil and leaned into his side for a moment before taking my medication from him.

“Are you okay?” Phil asked me, sliding an arm around my shoulders, “You seem a bit… jittery?”

“I kind of ended up explaining about my anxiety to Andy and they were good with it, but it was just difficult for me to say, I guess…” I explained, “C-can I get a hug?”

“Of course,” Phil said, softly, his expression going a little gooey. He set my medication and water down on the table, before wrapping his arms around me completely. I rested my head on his shoulder for a moment, enjoying his comforting smell, the feeling of his body wrapped around me, holding me close. I felt warm and safe in his arms, felt that everything would be okay... and that was just what I needed.

I could always hug Phil for longer, but I knew I had medication to take and a job to get back to, so reluctantly, I pulled away and got down to taking my tablet. Pop it out the packet, swallow it, wash it down with water, it was all routine by now. I sighed as I laid the empty glass down on the table, leaning back in the chair to enjoy my last moment before I inevitably had to get back to work.

We finished our exchange with another hug, and a promise from Phil that he would come by at lunchtime. It was comforting to see him again, but at the end of the day, I was fine. It felt good to know that not only was Phil nearby when I was working, but I now had Andy in the loop. They understood to an extent and would help me with my anxiety if it came up at work.

Once he had settled into college and his cooking classes, Phil found that he still had the time to work the odd shift at the restaurant. He had become supply cover now, one of the people his boss would phone up if someone else called off sick or they couldn’t find someone to cover a shift. He had no obligation to take a shift, but he often would presuming he had the time.

Although I was working pretty much full time now, we were still getting financial help from our parents. My parents had reduced their contribution now that I was working, but Phil was getting some help from his now as he was at college and only able to work some of the time. It felt good to know that I was capable of earning a steady income, and I knew that if Phil and I were both working, we could be self sufficient.

For the time being, our schedules were more or less aligned. Phil’s schedule varied a bit, but he was in classes Monday to Friday, give or take the odd day here and there. I too usually worked Monday ‘til Friday, nine until five, but I’d get a short day once a week. Apart from the odd time Phil took on a work shift, it gave us all of our evenings and weekends together. It was good for us to have that kind of schedule, because we got into a better routine with getting up, eating dinner and going to bed at more or less the same time each day. Phil would still crash when he came home from work, but in general he seemed less tired.

I was still attending my therapist appointments regularly and whilst I still wasn’t in a completely stable mental state, I would say I was doing the best I had in awhile. I still had little anxious moments, times I’d need to take five minutes here and there to calm myself, but I found my beta-blocker medication rarely moved from my coat pocket these days. I knew I still couldn’t be without it; something could still trigger a panic attack, but it was nice to be feeling a bit better overall. I had people I could talk to and trust if anything got too much and my life had fallen into a routine where there wasn’t much that could overwhelm me.

I guess it was a given that something would happen eventually, that someday my anxiety would catch up with me at work, however, I didn’t expect it to happen in the way that it did.

You get into a routine of serving customers, some want coffee, some want sandwiches, but the motions are mostly the same. Occasionally someone asks for something you’ve run out of and you have to explain apologetically, would they like something else? Sometimes you get elderly confused people who come in looking for lipstick and you just have to smile and suggest the nearest pharmacy instead.

Some people are regulars and others you never see again, but you never expect to see the people from your past who you hoped you’d never see again. On the day in question, I was working with with Sarah, Andy and Ben. Andy was working from nine to three and Ben from twelve until six. Shifts varied, but it was always important to cover the lunch rush.

Ben and I had been non stop serving coffees for a while, putting the sandwich orders back into the kitchen for Andy and Sarah to make up. Coffees, cakes, sandwiches, cold drinks; everyone would order something different and it could sometimes get a little overwhelming. Even at two-thirty, we still had a queue. My coping mechanism was to focus solely on the person at the front and getting through their order as quickly and efficiently as I could. I didn’t really have much glimpse of who was behind until I called ‘next’ and the next person stepped forwards.

I finished making a man a latte and passed it out to him, calling forward the next person in the queue and looking up to see who it was next. I felt so much shock, so much fear, the instant I saw her face. Face coated in makeup, framed by greasy brown hair. I’d once thought she was beautiful, but now I wanted to throw up just by looking at her.

“Can I get a cappuccino and a chocolate doughnut please?” she asked, her voice almost mocking.

I’m surprised her order even reached my ears, but I managed to put my hands and feet on autopilot and get through the motions of making her a cappuccino and getting a doughnut out of the cabinet. Meanwhile, my heart was pounding, my chest felt tight and I was definitely struggling to breathe as I told her her total at the cash register.

“That’s four pounds forty nine,” I told her, choking slightly on the ‘nine’ and having to repeat myself.

She handed over a five pound note, which I took with shaking hands and put into the till, grabbing her fifty-one pence change. As I dropped it into her hand, something went wrong, my hand shook and jolted, touching hers for just a fraction of a second. That hand had pointed at various parts of my body, poked me in the stomach and slapped me in the face. I couldn’t be near her and now that I had finished serving her, my only logical thought was to get out of here.

I stumbled through the kitchen to the back room, where I collapsed into the chair nearest my coat. Medication, I needed my medication. Fumbling through the pockets, I found it eventually, bringing the tub out of my pocket and grasping it in my hand. I needed water, why hadn’t I thought of that. I needed water to take these. My throat felt tight and that would make it hard enough to get them down.

I barely even noticed I was sobbing as flashbacks started to intrude my mind, particularly one of her holding an empty doughnut box, a look of pure evil on her face. “What the fuck, you fat imbecile. You ate my entire box of doughnuts - you were fat enough already, you worthless piece of flab! Do you not understand the meaning of my doughnuts?”

Then another one, from earlier in our relationship, when unknowingly, things were starting to go downhill. “Dan, maybe you should go to the gym more. Like wouldn’t sex be better if you had a little more stamina, maybe lose a little weight and you’ll be hot as fuck.”

“Dan, I’m not letting you be on top again until you lose some weight, you’re crushing me.”

“Dan, you don’t really need breakfast when you ate so much for dinner…”

“Please stop eating all my snacks, Dan, it’s not good for you.”

“I’m not having sex with you until you’re under sixty kilos.”

At the time, when I thought I loved her, I thought she was just trying to do what was good for me. It wasn’t until she slapped me in the face that it hit me, literally. She’d yelled so much that day, I could still hear it ringing in my ears.

What the actual fuck Dan?

Get the fuck out of my life.

Confusion hit me as a voice broke through the yelling. No one had been there to break it up; it was just me and her to fight it out.

“Dan,” a voice repeated, softly, “Dan, you there?”

It was Andy, I realised as I opened one of the eyes I had scrunched shut in trying to protect myself. They were crouched next to me, looking concerned, lips moving but I wasn’t getting half of what they were saying.

“Dan, are you hearing me?” they asked, this time enough words getting through for me to understand.

“A little,” I choked, nodding.

“Dan, try and take a deep breath or two, okay. What do you need?” they said, slowly moving their hand so it was within grabbing distance of mine.

“Water, these, ‘n’ Phil,” I choked out, opening my hand a little to show my tub of pills.

“Okay, two seconds,” Andy said, hurrying to the kitchen door and shouting something in to Sarah.

“Sarah’s on the water,” Andy said, returning to pull a chair over next to me, “You want to get your tablet out?”

Nodding, I started trying to open the tub in my hands, but with how much I was shaking, it was a struggle. A frustrated sob burst from my throat as I fought with the lid. I couldn’t do it; I couldn’t.

“Dan, can I help?” Andy asked, their hand slowly approaching mine, “Here.”

I let Andy take my medication from me, trusting them to get it out the tub so I could take it. As they were opening the tub, Sarah walked in, holding a mug of water and approaching slowly.

Andy beckoned her over, at the same time depositing a pill into my shaking hand, “Is it just one?”

Nodding, I lifted the pill to my mouth and reached out to Sarah for the mug of water. I let Andy help me with it, because I was completely past the point of trying to do things by myself. I choked a little on the tablet as I swallowed it, but there seemed to be a helping hand rubbing my back as I washed it down.

“Please stop eating all my snacks, Dan, it’s not good for you.”

I shook my head frantically, trying to get her voice out of my head again.

“Please talk,” I croaked to Sarah and Andy, “I need to hear something else.”

“Okay, Dan, we’re going to call Phil now,” Andy started, their voice soothing, “Sarah, could you maybe do that? You’ve got Phil’s number, right?”

Sarah nodded, turning back towards the kitchen, “Of course, yeah.”

“Dan,” Andy continued, “D’you think you could focus on your breathing or is that too hard?”

“Too hard,” I nodded, feeling like I was using all of my mental strength to keep a certain voice out of my head and that I couldn’t realistically focus on anything else.

“Keep sipping your water then,” Andy nodded, rubbing their hand up and down my back, probably as I hadn’t pushed it away. “You’re going to be okay. I’m guessing you can’t really talk about it right now, but you’re safe back here. Sarah’s calling Phil and hopefully he can get down here.”

“What if he can’t get out of class?” I asked, suddenly feeling another wave of overwhelming panic at the thought of Phil not being able to come and help me.

“Phil’s on his way, don’t worry,” Sarah said, poking her head through the door again, “He was in a theory class, so it wasn’t a problem.”

The five minutes that followed were all a blur. Sarah brought me a mug of diluting juice once I’d finished my water and Andy continued to speak to me and rub my back. I was still panicking, chest tight, breathing hard, tears running down my cheeks, but they were keeping me from getting any worse, keeping my mind from any further flashbacks.

When Phil appeared, out of breath, Andy quickly gave up their seat for him. He plopped himself next to me and immediately decided to free me of my apron and my top shirt button. He shed his coat and placed it gently on my shoulders, pushing my hair back off my face. Although his breathing was fast from rushing, I could feel him trying to slow his movements.

“Dan,” Phil said, his voice soothing, slipping his hand between the buttons of my shirt, “What happened? I know you’re having a panic attack and that you’ve taken your medication, but what triggered it.”

“N-no,” I choked, struggling to get her name out.

“No?” Phil questioned softly, “Would be easier to help you if I knew.”

“Nora,” I spluttered, pointing in the direction of the cafe, “Came in, had to get her coffee and doughnut.”

“Okay,” Phil nodded, “You’re safe back here though; I need you to focus on that. It’s just me and Andy in here, no one’s going to hurt you, you’ve got space to breathe.”

I felt the fingers of Phil’s other hand brush over mine, then he gently curled my hand up within his, “Your medication’s going to help you soon, but I need you to keep breathing until then. Want me to do it with you?”

I nodded, feeling too tired to answer in words. I felt Phil undo a button on my shirt, then spread his hand out more. He would tell me to breathe in and he would slowly count for a few seconds, then I would hold my breath, then I would breathe out. The familiarity of the exercise was somewhat comforting; I could focus on one thing at a time and I knew that Phil was ready with the next. I eventually started to fall into a rhythm, started to understand what was coming next. I didn’t stop until Phil stopped, until he was satisfied I had my breathing steady enough. It wouldn’t be perfect, not until my medication slowed my heart rate back to normal.

“One. Two. Three. Four,” Phil paused, “And out…”

When Phil stopped counting my breathing, I relaxed into his side, thankful, but not quite able to express it yet.

“You’re okay Dan, you’re okay,” Phil said, bringing his arms around me in a hug, “Just relax now.”

Phil’s POV:

When Sarah had called me during class, I knew something was wrong. She quickly told me that Dan was having a panic attack and that he needed me. I was pleased to hear he’d managed to take his medication, but getting myself to him was a top priority of mine. I quickly excused myself from my class, explaining to my tutor, Mark, that my soulmate needed me urgently.

Knowing I couldn’t really park any nearer to the cafė, I left the car at the college and ran to where Dan worked. Okay, I was a bit out of breath on arrival, but I was able to help him all the same. Hearing that Nora had appeared was a bit of a shock, but I guess it was kind of inevitable that she’d make an appearance again in his life at some point.

Now that I’d helped him calm his breathing, he was cuddled into my side, still shaking, but on the mend. I leant down to kiss him on the forehead, feeling like he was needing a little extra love. What he really needed was his bed, but I wasn’t quite sure if that was possible yet.

“Could you maybe make Dan a hot chocolate?” I asked his colleague and friend, Andy, “No cream or marshmallows, in a takeaway cup.”

“Of course,” Andy nodded, giving us a small smile and heading through the door into the kitchen, “Give me two minutes.”

I kept hugging Dan until Andy returned, when my duties changed to helping him drink hot chocolate. His hands were shaking, hence my request of a takeaway cup, but if I didn’t help, he was going to get it all down his chin and probably all over his shirt. Dan had his left hand on the cup, I had my right, and between us, we managed to get the drink safely to his mouth. It was never a skill I thought I’d develop, being a pro at helping my soulmate drink out of a cup or glass, but here I was. He needed the help sometimes and I was happy to give it to him.

I knew the hot drink would help him, give him a bit of warmth, a bit of sugar. His body was going to need a lot more than that to recover though. Ideally, he needed to go home, lie down and get some sleep, but he was meant to be working for another two hours.

Looking to Andy for help, I asked my question, “Is there anyone who can take the rest of his shift? I think he really should go home.”

“I'll do it,” Andy said, “I was meant to be finishing up the now, but don’t worry about it.”

“Are you sure?” I asked, to be polite, “You've already done so much.”

“It's fine, honestly,” Andy nodded, “I don't mind working another couple of hours.”

Dan looked like he was about to protest, but Andy shut him up before he could get there, “Dan, Phil’s right, I think you should go home. I really don't mind finishing your shift.”

“Okay,” Dan said, still sounding a little weak, taking the last sip of his hot chocolate, then nuzzling further into my side, “Thank you.”

“Phil,” Dan started after a while, “D’you think you’d recognise her? Could you check if she’s still in the cafe? I don’t think I could leave with her still here. I feel kinda trapped.”

“Yeah, I remember her from halloween,” I nodded, “Can we not use the back door?”

Dan looked up at Andy questioningly, clearly needing the authority of someone who had been here a bit longer, “I don’t see why not, but I’ll go and check with Ben.”

“Thanks,” I said to Andy, as they made their way to the kitchen.

Andy came back with the news that yes, we could leave via the backdoor. This came as quite a relief to Dan, as although he was not fully recovered, he was desperate to go. As Dan was already half wearing my coat, I helped him get his arms into it and zipped it up in front of him. I lifted his coat off his hook and put it on myself; it was a bit of a tight fit, but I wasn’t going to steal his warmth.

“You look after yourself Dan, get some rest, and let me know if you’d rather stay home tomorrow because I can take the shift,” Andy said to Dan, putting their arms around him in a loose hug.

Andy’s hug only lasted about a second, then they moved away giving me a small smile, “I know you take good care of him, Phil; make sure he makes the right decision about tomorrow.”

Andy opened the back door for us, and with an arm around Dan, we made our way outside. We said goodbye to Andy, me thanking them so much for all they had done to help Dan. We made our way along the alley that ran behind the shops, not stopping until we had rounded the corner. It was Dan who had stopped first, turning into me for another hug.

Bringing my arms around him and my face up next to his, I mumbled to him, “Something wrong?”

“Just felt I needed another hug, maybe couldn’t lose myself in it so much with Andy there,” Dan mumbled, shakily exhaling against my neck.

“I get that; you said sh-they get jealous of guys hugging, right? That you don’t want to make h-them feel down about it?” I said, stumbling a bit over the pronouns I wasn’t quite used to using.

“Yeah,” Dan nodded, “Andy’s mostly chill with hugging people, but I think they crave the feeling of hugging as a flat chested person. I can’t completely understand, but generally I try to avoid doing anything super masculine or bringing up anything that’ll make them feel feminine or uncomfortable.”

“Speaking of uncomfortable, how are you feeling?” I asked Dan, noticing that he was a bit more talkative.

“Shaky, tired, still a bit scared and shaken up, but alive,” Dan told me, sighing.

“Well let’s get you home and we can either talk about it or I can let you sleep, whatever you want,” I nodded, knowing we would need to figure out what was best for him first. “The car’s still up at the college so we’ve got a little walk, but I think you can do it.”

“Just stick with me, yeah?” Dan asked, a little uncertainly.

“Of course,” I said, giving him a little squeeze, “I’m not going to leave you even for two seconds at the moment.”

As we pulled apart our hug, I found Dan’s hand, interlocking our fingers and giving it a squeeze, “I’m right here.”

We set off walking, back to my college, back to our car, hands joined, shoulders brushing as we stuck as close together as we could. Dan’s hand was a little shaky, a little clammy, and he himself was quite quiet, but I knew he’d be okay, he just needed some privacy and some rest.

On reaching the car, I opened the passenger door for Dan and kept supporting him, with a hand on his back, until he was settled in the seat. I quickly hurried around the front of the car and joined him inside, ready to take him home.

I did the reverse process when we arrived at our flat, opening his door and joining hands again once he was out. We got up the stairs fine, with there not being so many of them these days, but I could see it was still a bit of a struggle.

As I unlocked the door, I gave Dan a couple of instructions so he didn’t go straight off to bed without taking care of himself, “Go and get changed into something comfy, go to the bathroom or whatever you need to do and come to the sofa. I’m gonna get some water and a couple of other things and I’ll meet you there.”

I left Dan at our bedroom door, knowing he would manage to get sorted out by himself. I made my way to the kitchen, filling a mug with water for Dan and flicking the kettle on in case he decided he wanted some tea later.

I sat the water down on a table by the couch, then went to retrieve a blanket from the comfy chair across the room. I couldn’t think of anything else to get him; that would depend how he was feeling. Maybe he’d need paracetamol, maybe he’d want a bath, but I felt he’d probably want to go straight to bed.

“Hey,” I greeted Dan, as he arrived in pyjamas and a hoodie, “Come sit down, let’s talk about how you’re feeling?”

“Not the best,” Dan mumbled, settling himself between my legs.

“Right, let’s start with how you’re feeling physically? Tired? Sore? Shaky?” I prompted him, pulling up the blanket and trying to make sure he was comfortable.

“A little shaky, tired, but I can deal with that,” Dan told me, relaxing into me a little.

“And mentally?” I asked slowly, “D’you want to sit and have a chat for a little bit?”

“That would be good,” Dan nodded, sighing, “I still feel really on edge. I kind of feel like I want to talk to my therapist but she’s probably busy and you’re here so…”

“If you want to call her and see I can help?” I suggested, wanting to do what I could.

“I’m not sure I’m honestly in a state to speak to anyone else,” Dan mumbled indecisively.

“Will I do for the moment and you can maybe call her, say tomorrow when you’re feeling up to it?” I suggested.

“Yeah, that would be good,” Dan nodded, pulling the blanket up to his chin, “Could you pass me that water?”

As Dan took a few sips of water, I thought about what I was going to ask him. I knew that Nora had come in for a coffee and a doughnut, that he’d clearly had a panic attack and taken his medication, but I didn’t know where his mind was during the whole process.

I started the conversation gently by asking Dan if he’d managed to make the coffee for her, how much he had managed before he fled to the back. I was impressed to hear that he’d managed to make her the coffee, get her the doughnut and even do the transaction and change. We then went onto his feelings as he’d gone about that: the utter panic, the realisation that his body was able to go through the motions of making a cappuccino without his mind really being there.

We had to take a break in the conversation, as when Dan started to explain where his mind was during the first few minutes he spent in the back room, it got a bit too much for him to deal with again.

“Breathe,” I said, running my hand over his chest. “You need me to help you or are you okay?”

“M’okay,” Dan nodded, his chest rising and falling rather forcefully beneath my hand.

I stayed quiet while Dan focused on his breathing, letting him focus without distraction for a while. When I did start talking to him again, I decided against picking up where we left off. I had experienced enough of Dan's panic attack to piece together vaguely how he would have felt.

“I think you've maybe talked enough for today,” I said acknowledging his exhausted state, “Unless there's anything else you want to get off you mind?”

“I think I'm good,” Dan murmured, “Thanks for listening. I feel a lot better after talking to you.”

“I think we should get dinner early, maybe watch something and then you can go to bed early,” I suggested, resting my chin on his shoulder for a moment. “Does that sound good to you? I'm just thinking if you take a nap now, you might not sleep so well later.”

“Yeah sounds decent,” Dan agreed, “I think I can manage to stay awake a bit longer.”

“What do you want for dinner?” I asked, “Not got anything planned so it's your choice. What's going to make you feel good?”

Dan looked thoughtful for a minute, but eventually gave me an answer, “I’d like spaghetti? Just make a simple tomato sauce or something?”

“Okay, I can do that,” I nodded, glad he had picked out something quick and simple; it meant I could spend a bit longer just cuddling with him before I had to get up and make it. “I'll start making it at five.”

For the half hour or so that followed, I just sat with Dan, holding him in an embrace that was comforting for him but warm and cosy for both of us. I was glad he was okay, maybe still a little tired and wobbly, but okay.

When I got up to make dinner, I left him with a little kiss, only going as far as the kitchen, from where I could still see him. I set about boiling the kettle, weighing out the pasta, getting out the sauce ingredients. I could feel dan watching me, so every so often I would look up and give him a smile, a little acknowledgement that although I was cooking, yes I still cared about his presence.

We talked a little as I cooked, Dan filling me in on a couple of other, less dramatic things, that had happened earlier on in the day. I told him a little about my day at college; us sharing our days had become part of evening routine, something that helped us stay as close as we could as a couple.

When the pasta was ready, I served it into two bowls and joined Dan on the sofa with it. We usually ate at the table, a habit we’d gotten into in the early days because it was better for digestion, but I felt it really shouldn’t matter now with how good he’d had been doing lately.

We put a episode of a TV show on as we ate, slurping spaghetti but not talking over it. When we finished eating, we sat the bowls to the side and slowly started to curl up together again, the idea of cuddling being too tempting to resist. The TV show ended, so we put the next episode on, but it seemed that Dan gradually seemed to lose concentration, eyes fluttering shut, slowly falling asleep.

As he fell asleep, he fell away from me a little, so not wanting him to fall off the sofa, I managed to get up and let him have the space to himself. I’d let him sleep for a little bit while I sorted a few things out, but I think he really ought to get to bed. I retrieved Dan’s phone from the join in the cushions and thought about how he was doing in terms of working tomorrow. He really should text Andy tonight, and while he probably wouldn’t mind me doing it for him, I wanted to have his word first.

I pocketed his phone, hoping that would remind me to talk to him about it when I woke him up to get him ready for bed. I collected up our pasta bowls and drink glasses, taking them to the kitchen to put in the dishwasher. I got the sink filling to wash up the pasta pot, taking the opportunity to do it now as I knew I wouldn’t appreciate seeing it in the morning. When the sink was full and I shut the water off, I noticed a noise coming from behind me where Dan was; it sounded like choking. I spun around to see him appearing to choke on something in his sleep. I hurried out of the kitchen, grabbing our living room bin on the way because I had no idea what this situation was going to bring.

I rushed over to Dan, pulling him upright and getting his head forward over the bin. I made a judgement and thumped him on the back, hoping that would help because I had no idea what else to do. It must’ve been enough to dislodge the problem, because Dan threw up a little bit, still half asleep and confused.

I rubbed Dan’s back gently now, thankful he had stopped choking, but still feeling a tension there, “It’s okay if you need to throw up more; got a bin here for you.”

Dan mumbled something, but I didn’t catch it as he gagged and threw up a bit more. I continued to rub his back, hoping it was at least a little soothing.

When he appeared to have stopped struggling, I spoke softly, “Are you okay? You started choking in your sleep but I’m not sure why.”

Dan shrugged and looked down into the bin, gagging violently as he saw its contents.

“Dan, if I can help you to the bathroom, you won't have to look at that?” I suggested, knowing it would be best to get him in front of a toilet asap.

“Yeah, thanks,” Dan mumbled, giving me his hand so I could help him up.

With Dan on his feet, holding the bin, I steered him all the way along the hallway and through our bedroom to the ensuite. I left him for a moment to take the bin away to the other bathroom - I would deal with that later - but returned quickly.

I sat by Dan’s side, pushing his sleep hair off his forehead and resting a hand on his back. We were there for about twenty minutes, Dan managing to contain himself and eventually admitting he was feeling okay again. During this time I got him a glass of water, which he sipped slowly on, hopefully helping to soothe his throat and stomach.

We shuffled away from the toilet a little, still sitting on the floor as Dan was feeling a bit weak. I couldn’t quite understand what had caused him to choke and throw up, and neither could he. We eventually came on an idea that maybe he just hadn’t had enough time to digest his dinner properly before he fell asleep. Most people would be fine, but Dan’s stomach just wasn’t quite right sometimes; something that made it clear he was still in recovery.

“I think we should text Andy and ask if they can take your shift,” I said to Dan, “I’d just been thinking about texting them to say you’d make it, but I don’t think you should now.”

“I’ll be fine in the morning,” Dan tried to insist, his weakened voice not helping his case.

“Dan, you threw up, so until you can be absolutely sure you don't have norovirus or something, you're not setting foot in a kitchen,” I told him firmly, “Although we think its your ED, we can’t be sure, okay?”

Dan nodded quietly, making me realise I’d maybe sounded a bit harsh, but it was difficult for me not to with learning a lot of food hygiene in college.

“Sorry if that sounded harsh,” I said softly, not wanting to leave things like that, “I didn’t mean for it to come out so strong.”

I retrieved Dan’s phone from my pocket and opened up a new text to Andy. I typed out a message for him, making clear it was from me, but getting him to approve it.

Hey, it’s Phil. Could you maybe take Dan's shift for tomorrow? He was doing alright, but he just threw up his dinner and while it's probably just his ED recovery, it's probably best not to have him in a kitchen until we're sure.

Dan nodded his approval to the message and hit send himself, handing the phone back to me while we waited for a response.

Of course, I’ve got it covered. I hope he feels better, plenty of rest’ll do him good

It had only taken them a minute to reply, which was quite a relief as I wanted to get Dan to bed and we really needed to know the answer first. I read it out to him and he visibly relaxed, leaning into my side.

“Can we go to bed now?” Dan yawned, sounding so tired that he was almost on the verge of tears.

“Get your teeth brushed and pee and whatever, then yes,” I told him, “I’m going to email my tutor while you get ready, okay.”

I sat on the edge of the bath while Dan did what he needed to do, typing out an email to Mark, my college tutor.

Hi Mark, I think it's best that I don't attend tomorrow. My soulmate’s been sick; I suspect it's nothing contagious as he’s recovering from an eating disorder, but I think it's best to be on the safe side and not come into the kitchen. Will see you the day after, presuming all is well. Thanks, Phil

When Dan was finished, I followed him through the bedroom and helped him get settled into bed. I sat next to him, on my side of the bed, but I had a few things to do first before I would be ready to go to bed myself.

“Get some sleep, love,” I told him, leaning down to give him a goodnight kiss, “I’ll join you soon and I’ll see you in the morning.”

“You stayin’ ‘til I’m ‘sleep?” Dan mumbled.

“Yes, of course,” I nodded, running my hand down his duvet-shrouded side.

Dan didn’t say anything else after that, drifting off to sleep and snoring lightly, getting the rest that he needed.

When I was sure Dan would stay asleep, I got up to deal with the few things I had to get done. I finished cleaning the pot I had abandoned in the kitchen sink, I dealt with the bin Dan had been sick in, and finally I locked up. I got myself ready for bed quickly, making the decision to shower in the morning so that I wouldn’t disturb Dan’s sleep just now. I knew when I joined him in bed that I wouldn’t be able to get to sleep yet, so I sat with just my lamp on and read for a while. Dan was feeling fragile and staying with him when he was in a vulnerable state was very important to me.

The next day, Dan was absolutely fine, which was definitely a relief. We’d both stayed home as a precaution, but it proved to be nothing more than what we suspected.

With everything that had happened the previous day, I made sure that this one was calm and relaxed for Dan. In the morning we took a bath together, then throughout the day, I made sure that his diet was made up of simple things: toast, soup, fruit, and that we ate at the table like we usually did.

Dan just had his bad days now and then, that was something that just happened. Sometimes his anxiety would play up, sometimes his digestive system wouldn’t quite function correctly, but this time they came at once. It was a bit of an annoyance for him and put him in a bit of a low mental state for a few days, but as usual, he was okay, he got through it.

He made sure to speak to his therapist about the whole thing, another appointment which I joined him at for support. Having had a few days to process the events, he could now explain it well and I could tell that talking it through again to her helped him to get his thoughts in order.

We all hoped that Nora wouldn’t start to frequent the café, but we would look into options if it became a problem. This possibility would give Dan a little anxiety about going to work sometimes, but in one of his flashbacks she’d stated that she never wanted to see him again. That was something I would remind Dan of when he got down about it, the one memory of her which he didn’t actually mind recalling.

Next Chapter (Epilogue) =>

#phan #phanfiction #phanfic #phan au #tw #tw; ed #phan fluff #phanfluff #fluff #soulmates #soulmate au #fandom #phandom #waiter!phil #someday

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fishyviolet · 2 years

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HI if i might bother u for a hot second i wanted to ask u. if merhaps u had used a guide somewhere out there to do ur lil tbh mod and if yes if u could share it. bc like i got basemod and i understand the various .txt/.xml files needed but i havent been able to find anything describing the various functions u gotta write for ur .dll c:

oh my god! unfortunately there ia not really any one good guide ☺️ but i toiled and trudged through the corners of the interwebs and i do offer you my finest advice on how to Get Shit Done:

(under the linebreak because i wrote Entierly too much and no one who does not want to see should be subjected to seeing this.)

if youre not already in the project moon discord servee linked onnthe sub reddit, go and join it, thwres a channel called #lobotomy-mods that you can either ask for help in, or try to scrape using the search tool to try to find anything remotely helpful.

in the pins is also a tutotial on how to MAKE the DLL file if you dont already know what to do (good for people who came into it with zero previous experience, like me <- literally learned c# to mod lobotomy corp and Ruina) but it dosent really go further than making a namespace for the mod.

There is a somewhat guide on making a custom abnormality on pjm-famous modding forum site DCinside, but unfortunately it's in korean. gtranslate does a fine enough job of getting the basics across though, so I'd still reccomend it. link <- this should be the guide. (if youre like me and confused as to where the images are, click the things thay look like URLs and it opens an image in a pop up window, idk what would happen on mobile but you should be modding on your computer anyways.)

other than that, its most simple to look through the code of base game and/or other modded abnos to get an idea of what and how they are doing things, and then to reverse engeneer that for your own mod. especially other peoples mods, it gives a goog guideline of things like the file hierarchy you need and the basics of the layouts and stuff... forexample i used a silentgirl abno mod on nexusmod for groundwork of TBH's hierarchy. amen.

it is a lot of work thoguh and because basemod was built for and by a kr audience it can get hard to debug stuff well especially if youre like me and screw up the EGO stuff. and coding in general is very finnicky. forget one semicolon and you explode (not that visual studio wont try to point at it and yell at you before you export it.) asking for help in the discord can yield mixed results but theres some really knowledgeable folks in there so i think if youre really stuck or confused on what something is its always a fine enough thing to atleast try.

if all you would like, dearest anon, is sir tbh as a mod, (which i kind of assumed from the phrasing of your post but i wanted to infodump anyways 🥹[correction i reread your post and Hmm maybe i misread it the first time . either way im offering both sides of the information #win]) then im working on improving our beloved creature to be a more suitable abnormality starting like. tomorrow. its 2:40 am and i should be asleep, but insomnia calls. so does lobcorp modding because it's way more interesting than lying still with my eyeballs closed for several hours.

as of right now, tbh has like 80% work sucess rate on everything, it has no story entries nor special managerial procedures, and the weapon and armor and gift are all just reskins from the silentgirl mod i was using as a base (because thus far i was focusing on getting the damn thing to show up properly in its cell rather than the little details.) but soon enough i Will finalize tbh and offer it to the public, I'll hopefully give it some cool bells and whistles, and then I'll let it run free across the pastures of the internet. so Stay Tuned. you're anon so unfortunately i will have no direct means to let You specifically know when it is completed, but I'll probably upload it to Nexus once i deem it to be functional enough. so you can just sniff around on there if you'd like !! ^^

sorry for rambling i Love talking about things im passionate about i love modding videogame . teehee. anyways i Hope this answered your question(s), if not feel free to send any followup, but i may not respond till later because of sleeping and/or classes. but! i promise i am extremely engaged and will not forgwt abt you anon! yayy !!!! falls over and passes out . happy 3am

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blackvail22 · 4 years

Text

25 january 2021

12:35am - i’m doing better going day-by-day, i think. whenever i think about a certain aspect about it, though, it hits pretty hard. actually, no, im not actually doing better. why lie to myself?

12:49am - i added my twitter to the links that i have on my youtube, where he can find the link to my tumblr account. he knows the truth now, so there’s nothing i’m hiding anymore. actually, yeah, there’s something there that he doesn’t know (my voice) but i’ll end up deleting the voice memos and uploading more later bc i don’t like the way they sound.

9:37pm - i’m almost done with the first season of the promised neverland, and it broke me tbh. i just find the things that happen to be heart wrenching. also, in the past 5 minutes i saw three things that have triggered me. two has a warning, but one did not. the first two are my fault, but the other one.... it makes me angry that people cant be considerate in that way. at least put a warning so i know to just go past it.

warning for following content: suicide, self harm, just really sensitive content

here’s a song. it’s...not the happiest lyrically, but the vibe is good. i dance to it knowing fully that i feel the same way :’) edit: i changed the song. the original song was “i want to hurt myself” by mr kitty

i dont want people to be worried, so i dont make it as noticeable about how much ive been feeling this way because i know i’ll be fine, but this is a safe space... right? hopefully no one will tell me theyre concerned. every time someone tells me that i feel bothered. hm. all wellll! i have therapy tomorrow anyway. i wont tell her anything, and ill lie about the safety questions too. ahhh, to finally be nothing to everyone is a good feeling.

i should probably do the work thats due tomorrow. eughhh

*if anyone is reading this, dont worry about me. i get this low sometimes. i dont do anything because im too scared to. i have too many things i want to do before i die that i just havent done yet. just let me vent. as said before, i changed the song to another one.

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jwnbwnjwn · 4 years

Text

Entry 7 (9.21.2020)

A whole 5 months later since I’ve made a post. I’ve been thinking of coming on here for the past couple of days to update this thing but I’ve been putting off writing a whole book and keeping up with the whole “Entry” thing as it always confuses me everytime and I always have to duplicate the tab in order to get the format right. I want it to look good; as this is a way i’m documenting my life for my future self, friends, family, and everyone and anyone reading this. It’s 6 AM right now, right on the dot, and I havent slept. I just had a huge crying session that was well needed, and i’m starting to get hungry. Let me catch you up:

Corona has gotten worse, I think we’ve all just adjusted to it. I feel like when times were “normal” and we weren’t forced to wear masks was a feverdream, instead of the other way around. For the most part i’m spending my time at home, procrastinating, playing games; Roblox to be specific, and sleeping throughout the day. I play it almost everyday, and I mean, e v e r y d a y. It’s a nice thing knowing I found a love again for the game I would play when I was younger. And now I can live my dream of feeling cool with my robux now that I can purchase them for myself and my siblings. I just took my first Biology test last week and I think it went pretty good, despite the fact that I was actually shitting myself during it because I drank a laxative hours before. I’ve been procrastinating doing my math homework - like literally. We’re over a month in and ive missed a quiz, failed a test, and still havent done a months work of assignments. I’m honestly probably going to fail and have to retake it next year. I’ve been procrastinating a lot of assignments, but hopefully that gets fixed. Aside from academics, my life has been, well, life. My friendships with my friends have gone better, to be specific; with my girls, Seatbelt and Ice. (I had to read my other entry to remember the nicknames I have for them on here, lol.) Ice finally has a boyfriend and I’ve been hearing it’s going great, Seatbelt moved back in with her family and it’s been going good as well - it makes me feel at ease for her knowing she's at home. I think these two are going to be my ride or dies until the end. Things with Mr. are good, and I mean, actually good. There’s no more awkward tension, theres no anger, no worries for the most part. It’s just pure love, comfort, happiness. When I see him, like actually physically look at him and hang out with him, its not awkward. It’s not me searching and wrecking my brain looking for conversations to start. It’s just normal; as it should be. It’s good. I feel like im at the place with him that I’ve dreamt to be at again. I hope his dad gets better, i really do. I hope god allows him more time to see us grow, to see everyone grow, to know this world better. I pray about it everyday. I really want him to be there to see us get married, to see our first dance, to see our first “mini-me”. And the same for my dad. I hope I get to see him soon. I miss my bestfriend. I’ve quit going to counseling a while ago as I found it useless as it was just me lying about my state of mind and pretending like it was actually helping me; and to be frank, I dont really know my situations or what’s happened to me. So, im kind of holding back from the help I could be getting because I dont even know if I need help or for what. But I hope I get that resolved soon; i know sometimes it takes a big toll on me. I’m doing pretty good myself, for a day to day basis. I’ve realized I’m a really big earth person, or life person, and I have such a love for this life I have. I have a love for the earth we share, and for the time we waste. I have such a love for the emotions and thoughts we feel, and what we are, and everything in between. I love my siblings, I’ve gotten closer with my mom; even though sometimes this whole quarantine thing with them drives me mad, but thats a part as to why familys there, to drive ya nuts. I need to get on my shit when it comes to school work, and honestly thats what this time today was supposed to be used on; but instead it was spent crying over cute comics from wawawiwa and tiktoks using the “Mr. Loverman” sound. Oh, also, I’ve reconnected with Maria again. We text every week and tell eachother the weirdest things, but it feels good. It feels like I have a part of my soul back, a little piece of my home. I miss Adriana - I realized that today. I think she was one of my firsts friendship breakups, and I want to run back, because I’ve been thinking of her so much recently, but theres much more time to think on that. I dont want to jump into anything and blow up about it later; as I dont think im actually ready for that, or to even face her. One day though, hopefully. Im also having problems with my fafsa coming through, so I hope that gets resolved soon. I’ve also made friends on Discord, aside from simp and crunch. They were these two trolls on mm2 when I was playing with my sister and eventually a friendship bloomed after a fight, and here we are. If I havent mentioned it before, Marco now has a pup named Thalia. Man, I love her. I think thats it for the most part. Hopefully I catch some sleep after this and wake up feeling motivated and actually have a productive day. I should also be starting keto today, or tomorrow, so I better stick to that. I’ll try to upload these more often, other than 5 months apart, as I dont wanna be writing a whole freaking novel everytime, (but honestly thats the fun part). I hope whoever finds this is well, I love you.

Ended this at 9/32/2020 at 6:29 AM

-jen

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chinxino5-blog · 7 years

Text

tw i guess: mental illness

my sisters 21st is on saturday and i dont knwo what to fucking get her, my friends is on thursday and i still have no clue what to fucking get her; i accepted a gift from a friend i probably shouldnt have because it was too much and im sick of having fucking major mood drops

im complaining so much on here about how shit i feel and ive got some pathetic fuckin mood disorder which probs isnt even a thing. ive been feeling good for the whole month and woopdefuckingdoo i have school in eight days, im exhausted, im behind on all my fics and requests, i am so fucking tired and i feel like shit. it comes out of nowhere and it doesnt stay away for long. its going to fucking ruin me this year because it takes away my motivation to do literally everything so i wont be able to fucking study - i tell myself all this shit and fuck myself because if i didnt think about it so much it probably wouldnt even be a fucking thing. this is all just my shitty childish imagination and i use it as an excuse over and over again for everything, im so fucking sick of it but what the fuck do i even do?

and i say all this shit and my friends send me messages wanting to talk about things and its real sweet n shit but i just feel like ive been throwing a fucking pity party for the past two years its honestly pathetic. but if its not real why does it always reappear once a month, twice a month, for three fucking weeks, and just vanish again like everythings fine and i’ve never been better. i feel like i have cramps. i feel like i cant breathe. my backs sore, my heads sore, everything feels painful whether its in my head or not and i just dont know what to fucking do with myself anymore

im so scared of this year. im so fucking scared. because im gonna be crying most nights and i wont get my shit done, im probs gonna end up not fucking writing because “schools a priority, get your atar” and fuck man i dont want to stop writing its the only thing that really gets me excited anymore

i dont know how to find balance with anything.

mum wasted a gym membership on me because i havent gone all month. im not gonna end up going this year because im stressed. i went running twice and cant get myself fucking up to do it again even though i promised myself i would. i said id do an hour a day of writing and i do fucking nothing. i promised requests and where the fuck are they, dont ask me. i get shitty, and jealous of other creators, and aggressive towards my friends when they make the slightest mistakes. my humour is cruel and contradictory to what i stand for and im the biggest fucking sore loser. im not a fun person and i just want to ignore all the people i know because its a waste of fucking time and i should be writing or exercising or fucking studying because that shits not important im so tired

im fucking sorry. i dont like talking to people. i hate messaging people myself but i love to talk to the people who message me. im bad at showing appreciation. i never tell anyone im feeling like shit but i always tell them to tell me when they do. and if people message me about this lets be honest im just gonna tell them im fine because i am. im wealthy. im safe. im educated. im not in danger. im not unhealthy. im just fucking crying all the fucking time and i dont want to talk about anything yet i can spill it all on tumblr when i have followers who probs dont want to hear my fucking. pity party.

to my followers: im sorry to disappoint. i dont have an upload schedule, its always late. i promise to do things and they take weeks until they’re done. i take months between finish requests and go on and on about fics that i wont be able to touch for months and by then who fucking knows i might not even be writing at all. im a really shitty person behind this blog and im so sorry you have to put up with me in order to get the fics i promised. im sorry you have to read this bullshit because i dont have anything else to fucking post. im sorry i never talk on the discord because my humour probably makes people uncomfortable and i dont feel important at all, even when the love i receive is priceless and treasure and i take it all for fucking granted. im really fucking sorry.

i want to try be better this year but im always telling myself its not gonna happen. new years resolutions fuckin arent even hard i dont give myself big goals and i cant even achieve the smallest ones. the only one i am probs gonna achieve is be more of a “bitch” and pull people up on the offensive shit they say but everytime i pull my friends up when they say “autistic” or “f/ggot” or “retard” as insults they roll their eyes and i can just see that they’re sick of me being a party pooper and they’re sick of having to fucking add me to the invite because ive been a part of the group for years and had i not been best friends with hannah they’d probs just “forget to put me in” because fuck it man i only ruin the fucking mood

jc. im trying to be stronger for certain people who are struggling but idk man i cant even be strong for myself what am i gonna do when im overdramatic and crying and cant actually help them out when they’re calling. ive become a sort of reliable person to help when people have a tough time or are struggling and thats just fucking gone now because what the fuck dude i cant even listent o my own advice why should other people.

no one has to actually listen to this, or message me, or do anything about anything. im fuckin crying and somethings in my eye and it fucking hurts god damn it, i cant get it out and wow what a pathetic fucking metaphor.

im gonna keep trying to get it out. fuck. sorry. i’ll try get something done with cute in the next few days. im sorry to waste your time guys

#tw #depressing shit i guess #a pity party: featuring grace #fuck

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ts-akhmim · 4 years

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Episode 2 | “GET ME OUT OF HERE ” - Devon

okay so i filmed a video confessional earlier which is uploading where i basically talked about dealing with being a winner/the tomb and having an idol/potentially wanting to go to tribal pre-swap/deliberately choosing the puzzle/how much i love jake so that'll come at some point after this but just KNOW that came first. anyway just wanted to talk MORE because i have more thoughts. last round i was really conscious of needing to micro-manage my threat level and i think im putting in work to do that? im very concious that i cant play the same game as montenegro because im coming into it from a very different perspective/position. However, one thing I can do this season is transfer my prejury game, because i think it still works. What I need to do is to some extent take a backseat, where I'm not actively messaging people first, and keeping game talk kinda limited (but acknowledging it when people talk to me). Like I have the safety cushion of my idol, and my connection to jake/jordan, and to some extent dan and lovelis? like im not gonna be a target (touch wood) and hopefully if i am my men tm going to keep an eye out for me.... hopefully? it also means im not gonna be pushy about votes im gonna hear names and run with it (as long as its not jake/jordan, or lovelis tbh i get real good vibes from him). but yeah id really love the beauty tribe to go to tribal this round ive literally never spoken to a single one of them so i'd love one of that tribe that is a complete unknown quantity to go home DJDKLFSF. but yis so im feeling good taking a backseat but im gonna ejector seat myself forwards at some point, just got to figure out when to push the button

Okay so Bodhi left last night and that was really sad. We had nice conversations but i told him that if the rest of the tribe wanted him out i wasn't going to campaign for him. He ended up making his rounds but at the end of the day, no one felt strongly about keeping him. He speaks so well that it took me a night's rest to get my head straight. Also Trace got an alliance together of himself, myself, Scott and Isaac. Bitch i was SHOOK! I am so glad to be likable enough to be brought into someone else's core. So this kind of perfectly positioned myself and Scott between 2 alliances. I believe we're both more loyal to the one we formed before we found out we were going to tribal, but who knows. I did tell Autumn of the news because i figure if we were to lose again. Whichever of Isaac of Trace remains is going to feel on bottom and blow up that Scott and I were two-timing the DADS. Btw that is the dumbest alliance name I have ever been a part of but whatever. The rat pack has also formed and now him and I are in a good spot. I will say that i am nervous that MISS ALYSSA spoke the comparison into existence, but i really hope we don't continue to flop like Luzon did on Cagayan. But hey! If Denise can go to every tribal council in one season and win, maybe i can too. (PS i pissed myself with my score in winterbells but also F*CK WINTERBELLS, thats all, ty)

Honestly I’m really regretting not participating in this challenge because I feel like our scores are.......not great. I feel like I could have turned out the puzzle and even winterbells. The flag Lovelis made is super cute and i think will fair well bc it’s very clean and neat. It’s not super creative, but it’s definitely well made. I think even if we went to tribal I would be okay though. Liam seems like an easy enough boot for us. No one seems that dazzled by his contributions to the tribe.

i literally am the biggest clown who ever clowned for continuing to overdo it in challenges, if i'm allowed to make it to merge at this point it will literally be a miracle.

So Bodhi left on a unanimous vote yesterday and I'm glad that it worked out as planned! I definitely felt bad lying to him about it all and stuff, but I think it was the best for the tribe going forward. What does suck however is that we lost AGAIN! And it was actually close this time! I'm actually annoyed that we lost this time because I submitted my challenge at 4PM and the reason why we lost was because the last submission was at 8 :/ like... y'all couldn't get it in any earlier? Plus I'm annoyed because I find myself in the swing position between the DADS and The Rat Pack. Personally I don't trust Trace after finding out he tried to play the Rat Pack off as my idea when it was really his all along. To me, it shows that he'd betray me later on down the line. And the only purpose for "The Rat Pack" is so they feel like they're in the majority. So since we lost, I don't mind voting out Trace. Duncan and I called to confirm that we're on the same page. We also found out that Devon is telling us the same things about loyalty and allegiances and I don't like that. He also told Duncan that he would throw immunities and play idols for him if he needed it, and that Duncan was his number 1 ally. But he said the same exact thing to me. So... that has me a little sketch. But I also think that Autumn/Duncan are a close pair, so I may need to stick close to Devon for the long hall. But if Autumn/Duncan think I'm more with them than Devon, I'll take it. I'm supposed to go on call with the Dads soon. Duncan wants to tell them about the rat alliance so that Isaac doesn't use it as motive to get us out. Which i agree that it'd be a good idea as long as devon/autumn stick with us. Duncan and I both feel like Devon might be thrown off since he always likes to be in control, but not actually being in charge. So we'll need to do damage control when that happens. But for now it seems like Trace is going unless things change. If things go how I would want it to, then Trace leaves tomorrow.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1JKqH3EQMlugIe-lwHMYMG2qoVZ7dvIzr/view?usp=sharing

Omg!!!!! Another win that makes me so happy . The tribe is all getting along great and I couldnt all for better ppl. I'm hoping soon to get some kind of solid group together. Kendell adam and amiry are ppl I def wanna work with long term at the time. Just gotta see what happens.

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Not much has been happening lately so I might be able to keep this short and not ramble on and on like i usually do (ill still end up writing a novel probably) yippy yay it's day 5 and everything is still all smiles and giggles over here because we've won yet another immunity!! kinda boring tbh but obviously im happy we won immunity because now that buys me one more day and at the end of it that's all i care about. I kinda did want the brauns to go to tribal however instead of the brains because i just really would like my beauties to get a nice foot hold and a lead in the game, i actually enjoy taking to some of these people, and im trying my best to talk to as many people as i can, which anyone who knows me knows isn't the easiest thing for me, i was reading some of my old confessionals from both my past games and the one thing i consistently got dragged for was not being as present with people, which granted i did improve a lot on last time around for sure, but i still got work to do and im realizing that more each day when i have no urge whatsoever to talk to anyone (don't worry, it's not you, it's (crippling depression) me! I understand socializing is part of the game and i do think my social game is my strongest asset but to me i like to think of my social game as a more distinct kind, im more elusive and i like to be that, if you leave them wanting more dahling they'll keep you around, i dont like to show all my cards, and that's a quality that i reflect in both survivor and life, and it has advantages and disadvantages in both but ANYWHO despite all that dare i say i think im still doing *decent* ? I'm making it a priority to reach out at least once a day to *most people (AJ, Augusto, Amir, Austin) are the ones ive probably had some of the best conversations with where it was the most natural and just flowed you know, and still is on day 5, and with kendall ive had some talks with her i do like her but idk i get this vibe she's kinda holding back when talking to me, and ESPECIALLY same with connor? we only had one private conversation and he gave me about a 3 word response, and if you havent guessed by now i like elaboration or at least a lil bit of personality when you talk, no shade just an observation, so that's a small red flag im very much a person who matches energy, one of my go to's in survivor is being open to the possibility of anything, ill always work with anyone who will work with me, and i think thats how everyone should play so hopefully the people ive been talking a lot to feel similar but i guess we'll have to wait until a vote of some sort to see about all that.. I still havent heard any idol talk or even game talk quite frankly so im guessing people are just still keeping the friendly facade up..... or ...... is it me?? am i the one on the outs looking like boo boo the fool or is that just my paranoia getting to me??? im not gonna send myself into a tizzy about getting voted out when we're not even going to tribal i- lemme calm down. If i had to guess I'd say Kendall, Connor, or Amir have the idol probably but sounds like a mystery for another day because im DONE im clocking out for the night until other people wanna wake up and play the game too oop final note: ok but it would be sick and twisted if it turns out they are all playing the game just without me and im the first boot of the tribe

Waking up on this glorious Day 5 with a new perspective. I originally applied to be on the brains tribe and was shook when I got brawn because let’s face it, my arms are akin to overcooked spaghetti noodles. BUT my tribe is so much stronger than the brains. I’m hoping for a big name to go to shake things up. AND I’m not really looking to swap onto a tribe with Trace or Autumn due to our past game history. Love them both dearly, but it’s gonna be a no from me.

okie so! update from me is i think im doing okay. like i think the benefit of no dua lipa cave is you can just build connections with everyone, you aren't voting someone out every round so why not capitalise on that? i'm so afraid of the fact that i'm overdoing it in challenges like i really need to calm. down. but im reassuring myself with the fact that in the first challenge i only was top because i did like... one more thing than others like its not thattt big of a deal? my puzzle time was clownery but hopefully people don't pay attention to it? im getting very anxious about overdoing it in challenges, but my thought process now is like. i need to act like people have an awareness of it, without getting kinda consumed by my anxiety about it? idk im hoping since most of these people don't know me, they wont notice me doing good in the challenge but truly who can be sure also am really just liking my tribe? like jake is ofc a king, i love jordan (who im gonna talk to later, he is the only one i feel like i have to talk to today), i also really like TJ who i was super harsh on at the start for no reason, i get good ally vibes from lovelis, liam m is super sweet even tho he is kinda inactive and dan is so fun (plus he told jake that he speaks to me one of the most so we love that!!). i've been trying to figure out what i even do about a lot of the super old school players that i have no connection/point of reference with? like people like scott, adam, kendall, aj i have truly no basis with? thats whats so scary about a swap, is at this point in the game i know 10/20 people left aka the brawn tribe + duncan/isaac/autumn, and like 10/20 isnt bad... BUT then the other 10 aka the beauty tribe + trace/scott/devon i have literally no connection to which is super scary JAKSDFA. im just real afraid of a swap. just swap me with jordan/jake/autumn/isaac PLEATHE. im just a pile of anxiety this season idk what to do im like frozen because of how scared i am... maybe it'll be all fine

Well, that was a close one. I struggled with that comp all day and I feel like absolute shit that I only got our team that 1 point. To me, it's inexcusable not to have be able to help my tribe as I wanted to contribute and make sure I made my worth known. So now I'm just this paranoid mess that I would have been in trouble had we gone to tribal. It's been hard to talk to some of these people or for most of those who I do talk to, I just don't really know where there head is at. I'm not sure if this is just a really guarded tribe, or if I really should be concerned. So I don't know what to do just yet. And that's not a feeling I like when playing TS.

Not gonna lie, I’m pretty sad that Bodhi left the game like he was so active pre-season so I was expecting him to do his best to go super far and maybe he did? I don’t know, but I did want a chance to actually get to play with him in TS but we keep passing each other by! I hope he is doing good despite how he might feel being the first boot yknow but yeah <3

The way I absolutely flopped with the idol system stuff is all types of funny and sad at the same time like I REALLY thought I did something only for it to be part of the challenge… That being said, Amir did tell me that he has a theory the idol system might be based on numbers which is interesting! I am super thankful he decided to tell me and we went on this long talk about how we are each other’s #1s which is super cute! I really do trust Amir and I do want to go far with him because he’s awesome but that being said, my #1 is me like I promised myself that I’d be selfish this time around just because being the selfless person I am hasn’t gotten me a win but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. We did go over a lot of stuff in terms of tribe dynamics and we both kinda agreed that AJ would be the first boot from the time if we went to tribal, we like our alliance with Kendall/Connor, we both like Adam and we both think Austin is sweet/genuine even if we don’t talk to him tons so yay for that too <3

I am SO trying to sell the fact that me and Kendall are a duo to Kendall which is funny to me idk hjfkds like she did approach me super early on about aligning but I do have the tiniest feeling she did that to mostly everyone but I’m trying to pin us with each other to her so she trusts me more, especially since I do feel as though she is the best connected on the tribe. I even called us Crystal Cox (me bc blazing speed and challenge flop ofc) and Ken(dell) ghfjdksl, I’m doing the most but yeah, I just want Kendall to see me as her #1 in the game on the off chance anything happens yknow?

Austin thinks I’m his #1 which is really sweet? I do like Austin even if it is hard to talk to him sometimes but hey, that happens. He told me that he’s really glad I’m on this tribe (which I have heard from basically everyone especially Adam and Amir which makes me feel cute omg) and that we might need to get a group going soon. I was like…. Tea but I also don’t know how quickly I want to get an alliance including Austin going just because it’s like… do I reveal that Austin and I are close-ish and be seen as a social threat? That just ain’t cute sis! But yeah, Austin told me he also really likes Kendall and Amir and that’s awesome that the two people I feel the closest to are ALSO doing THAT but at the same time, I want to be the one doing THAT the most because I’m greedy (by Ariana Grande) so it’s something to keep in mind!

The way I absolutely flopped at that puzzle… this is why I’m a Beauty cause a sis ain’t smart to complete a puzzle and I’m not brawn-y enough to do well in a challenge hgjfdk BUT that being said, Hagthor beat the thots and apiss and I couldn’t be any happier! I do wish Brawn lost over Brain but yknow, you can’t have everything go your way (‘: it’s funny how I slayed the last challenge and flopped this one tho like a bitch really lacks consistency huh ghfjndmks

Ugh fineeeee since I've been called out... by myself. I guess I'll do the bare minimum. So we won immunity!!!! Wooo!!!!!! Low-key though through out the entire process of making the flag, I just kept thinking darn I wish we voted out someone last tribal because drawing 7 people is annoying... watch me get voted out next tribal council lol. That would be quality foreshadowing. Today I have two goals. 1. Figure out what the method of entering the tomb. I intend on getting in contact with Augusto or Connor for that one. Augusto because he is low-key my number one. Connor because I feel if anyone can solve it he probably could. 2. Set up group chat with me, Augusto, and Austin. So Austin can feel a false sense of reassurance and Augusto and I have options. Write more later maybe.

Honestly im feeling kind of trepidatious going forward which is a little wierd, i just dont feel like ive gotten my footing yet in this game. I think like, im in a good spot to be fine on this tribe because of my social game and how I contribute in challenges, but I dont know if I feel good about anything longterm just yet. What really is bothering me is the tomb. Its gonna be round 3 tonight and I haven't made any more progress on getting in than I have night one. I feel like I have a lot of pieces to this puzzle but nothing is fitting together and its bothering me. I'm also a little upset that if we lose, I could see Liam being the target and I can't see my self risking my position to save him if he cant save himself. He has my name on his wiki page its an obvious association to me, and while I think hed be loyal to me, I'm just wondering honestly if him as an ally is worth the target it may bring. Im cautiously moving through the beginning of this game with a lot of unnease and hopefully I find some steady ground soon.

I am annoyed that we are yet again at tribal. I played so fucking hard at winter bells but of course someone on another tribe got like 238593277 billion which threw us back into tribal... So annoying truthfully. But it's alright, I should be able to make it out alive. I want Devon to go home. But I also don't want to let my guard down. This vote is important for a few reasons. The first reason is that our tribe is very close, so I am nervous that lines are going to be drawn in the sand. The second is that, after this vote, we will be down to five, making 3 the majority. We have an alliance of 4, and lord knows that when you are down to 5, whoever feels like 3 and 4 of the alliance are most likely going to try and rope in the 5th person to get rid of each other. So my plan is to make Isaac and Scott BOTH feel as though they are my number 1s so that they actually stick to our alliance of 4 thinking that I will be keeping them both if we lose again. This is the only way that i can see it working, but idk. I feel bad if Devon ends up going because he's a nice guy, but we have to make choices about strengthening our team, and then I have to make a choice about strengthening my place in the game. Hopefully this doesn't come to bite me in the ass.

Things have been going pretty well for my tribe! We won the first immunity challenge and that really seemed to boost tribe morale. Granted, these past couple of days I've been quiet since I'm trying to boost grades that are literally 0s into something manageable before I graduate hehe. I've tried to keep up with people through small conversations, which seems to work better for me at the moment until I get myself together. Adam wants to create an alliance with Augusto and Amir, which I'm totally for. I understand, though, that he doesn't wanna do it immediately since there's really no urgency to? We didn't go to tribal, so why did it matter! That excuse aside, I do hope that us holding our breath to say something doesn't bite us in the ass because these are people I want to work with! I wanna get something going with Kendall as well hopefully, since I adore her! Earlier, I stated that Adam and I (Adam, really) found our way into the tomb and both flopped in the questions. Adam took another stab at it and found out we've been bamboozled! Someone beat us to the punch and has whatever contents were inside the tomb. I'm assuming it was an idol, but who knows what else is in there! It kinda made me lose motivation to keep searching inside but when in Rome? I'll probably end up trying again despite knowing the end result just because I wanna prove I can be a smart cookie as well. I also didn't gloss over this but I'll mention it really quickly, but I'm sad Bodhi went! He was one of the few people I was familiar with on the other tribes so it's unfortunate we aren't going to be able to connect with each other this game. A king has fallen. In lighter and more recents events, my tribe crushed the second immunity challenge. Kendall stunned with her artistry and I'm still gushing over how cute everyone's character was. I kinda like decimated Winterbells, but I've always been good at the game, and Amir did really well in the scavenger hunt. Augusto and Austin did really well in the puzzle also, despite their lack of confidence in offering a strong performance. We appear to be THEE tribe to beat honestly and I'm loving that. I love our tribe! I LOVE OUR TRIBE! It really would be a tragedy if we aren't able to keep up this win streak we're manifesting.

Sorry for not writing this sooner! Been having a bad depressive episode for the last couple days and it makes me unmotivated to write c': I feel like a flop so far in this game, not because I submit shit scores, but because I find it exhausting to connect with some of these people. They're all very nice in their own special ways, but interacting w some is like pulling teeth, and I guarantee they feel the same about me, which I would expect. That being said, I hope we keep winning, cause I don't have the energy to go to tribal right now.

Heading into a second tribal council, there is becoming less and less room to hide. I am struggling to hold my own against the other tribes when it comes to competitions, but thank goodness it's a numbers game. If everything goes accordingly, I am taking a backseat this vote and allowing a 4-2 vote out when it comes to Trace. I appreciated Duncan coming to me with the alliance chat information with him/Scott/Trace/Isaac, but didn't like how Autumn needed to tell me first. Shows that I really can't trust Scott/Duncan after a swap comes up. In regards to Scott, he outright didn't say anything. I like him and all, but it was a slimy move to say the least. He only said something because he HAD to vote out someone in one of his two alliances. This group will be dumb as hell if they let me swap. I'll flip on them as soon as possible and invite anyone into my alliance. The tribe swap is where I made my 'Slithers' game infamous last time, so I'm hoping for a similar output. Don't forget: I swapped with the minority last time in Guyana (shout out to Jess), so I'm not worried about the numbers and how its split. ALL I NEED IS A SWAP OR TWIST. GET ME OUT OF HERE.

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Thank God we won that based on the tiebreaker, but yikes I didn't think my flag would've tanked so hard. Guess I've gotta get better at perfecting my craft huh, but at least we're safe. I feel nervous on this tribe to be honest, because I think I'm the second to bottom on the totem pole after the other Liam, so it isn't reassuring that if we lose twice I'll either be gone, or I could even be gone at our first tribal if he's got a solid alliance going...the only alliance I have right now is with Jordan and I don't really know where I sit with everyone else, but I'm afraid of overplaying... ugh so annoying! I think I just need to force a couple of game related conversations with people to build up some trust, just hope it wouldn't paint a target on my back for trying I guess...

oh gorl, some of these people on my tribe really think im just the clown of the tribe and cant put two and two together, well guess what, IM NOT. So Amir messages me, which nothing out of the ordinary there, ive been talking to him every day so far for the most part like i said we're a little familiar with each other from our pasts, but i was VERY surprised today at what had happened... what had happened was....he starts talking the smallest bit of game with me, basically he just said, "is it me or is everyone really quiet here?" and so i just agreed with him and i said yeah i dont think people are talking game yet which is a little weird, and then i threw the TINEST tea crumpet out there and i said "yeah ive talked to some people so easily like you, but then there's others who.....i cant say the same for" and i was absolutely hinting at connor/kendall just because i havent had the longest convos with them, which no biggie, but THEN about 20 minutes later i get a message from CONNOR of all people saying "hey adam!" ..... obviously im glad to talk to him and im all for getting to know everyone, but my instincts immediately went off and told me it's a little sus....how not even a few minutes ago i was saying how some people never talk to me and then out of no where the one person i was mainly talking about messages me?? Coincidences don't exist in survivor. Now I really have no choice but to think that amir in someway mentioned to connor that i said theres some people i havent talked to at all and that he probably needed to work on that.. which is true, but cmon. i know the tribe brain cell is missing but at least put a little thought into this and message me later tonight or not right after i say it?? I'm not sure if they have any type of past connection and while I definitely do wanna keep building my relationship with Amir, this will definitely make me question him a little bit at least until i see how some votes fall when we eventually go to tribal. Amir also told me he's had the most convos with Augusto, which is funny because thats exactly how both me and aj feel about augusto, which tells me augusto is really playing the game rn, and while thats someone i want to work with, it's also someone i need to be extremely careful with if we're still playing together down the road. plot twist: connor messaging me has absolutely nothing to do with amir and i just made this whole conspiracy for nothing but idk.... it's a conspiracy IM interested in.

***last add on because i forgot to say how the hell im gonna HANDLE this amir/connor situation... im keeping my eyes on it incase theyre in kahoots and also if they think im that dumb then clearly they havent watched me play before, which is great for me but bad for them, you cant trick a trickster try all you want, There's nothing I love more than being underestimated in survivor because it kinda makes it a little easier to play and gives me more options, so sure ill keep up my fake smiles and act like we're all fine and dandy, ill play dumb and wont even act like im onto them but i absolutely am and ill be ready to make my move the second it seems right

Ugh I feel so DIRTY. I feel so GROSS. Poor Devon, truly. I spoke with Autumn and told her about Devon, and she was in without a fight and told me that it should be 5-1. And then Devon came to me and was like... we all good for the vote tonight? And I'm like ................yes? Lol. I'm good, you're probably not. ugh, this is the part of this game that I hate. I want to never lose immunity ever again, let someone else break someone else's heart!

Something about Kendall is so chaotic and terrifying and I can’t put a finger on why.her aligning was her talking to me for the first time in a day saying “let’s align” and created an alliance chat without even asking who else should be in it which leads me to believe her Augusto and Connor already have a trio and I was the 4th. Are all these focking people playing me?? Like i still cant tell if this is a real alliance but i want to believe it is and not a bluff to vote me out. But also like why even do that, the only person on this cast that I trust and have played with, bodhi, has just been voted out. I’m a free agent and I can help that alliance make it far in the game, but they also have lots of relationships on other tribes so like I might not even be that valuable to them. I mentioned to Augusto about the numbers on the blog, hoping to create more trust because I really really love him and want to trust him but I’m still just so damn unsure. if we lose this immunity and I get one bad signal from any of those 3, if they slip up even once, I won’t hesitate to align and gather the minority. But if they are playing me properly, then kudos to them!

I am just happy i have the idol i am going to put it in my ass.

me when the brains tribe only has 5 members left http://prntscr.com/s8y76g

You know what? https://66.media.tumblr.com/b7b4accba586ad321141b6ba80d69044/tumblr_omule3fwZC1w1swfno1_250.gifv I'm mad but I'm not tight because that same alliance that Duncan and I orchestrated is the same alliance that will get us through. So do I enjoy going to tribal? No. And do I enjoy knowing that Trace created an alliance w/ everyone except me and Devon? No. But the Dads will prevail and I trust Scott and the gang. I mean Ducnan is family so as long as we don't go it's fine. But Devon is my baby so absolutely gotta kill for him. That's what keep em close hahaha But no the Trace vote is a dream come true that I only crossed my mind once and STILL got manifested. Like Duncan suggested it and I said you got it because Trace will be the FIRST to rally all the white boys against me in a swap. Cute or not, Trace will kill me I'm convinced. Like something in my spirit told me not to trust Trace and low and behold: Duncan reveals that alliance to me on Day 3. So confirmed, Trace is leaving so that I don't fall to the bottom of the tribe. But it's all good- Isaac listens to Fleetwood Mac and watches Schitt's Creek so he's a good guy. And Scott is literally a cinammon roll who's too busy to snitch or flip. I don't have time to discuss how much I love Duncan or Devon so we're tabling that. Anyway If y'all need me I'll be doing this 4 part immunity challenge that determines whether I make Final 3 in the other org I'm in so try not to need me lmao

okay so... we aren't going to tribal but its still kinda messy on brawn beach. i kinda have felt this energy for a while, but i don't think jake and jordan have enough trust between the two of them for us to be a continual three person alliance. jake is a very reactive, gut-impulse kind of player which is honestly to his benefit since he is super perceptive. however that also means he is quick to be anxious about stuff in the game, which is the same as me and that is why we click. BUT. he thinks something is up with dan/jordan and honestly i see that and feel it. jordan keeps hinting at dan being the one to loop in and i think that does say something about them having some sort of game dynamic. however, jordan is maybe downplaying that relationship which is scary KLAF tbh i still like jordan and wanna work with him, but i do 100% have to keep tabs on him, his social connections could definitely become a problem if he has other priorities over me! so i think i just have to make sure im a continuing priority for him, so i have to find some sort of information to bring to him (maybe when dan proposes the alliance of me/jordan/jake/dan to me ill run to jordan and be like hey did dan suggest this to you how do you feel) to solidify that sort of trust? idk... i want my j-men to stick together and they ARENT. maybe i need to solidify stuff with TJ specifically more, he gives good ally vibes? but ya... its a mess tm

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punkscowardschampions · 6 years

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Carly & Ali

Carly: last nite was good of you Carly: saying thanks cuz i read my text from last nite & it was Carly: I cudnt read it k thats facts Ali: nah, don't mention it, no bitch left behind Ali: plus, I know the cunt doing the ditching, been there, like Ali: was trying to translate but yeah, you were pretty fucked 😂 Ali: how you feeling this am? 💚 Carly: yea? hes not that bad Carly: im a slag like he said tbh Carly: feeling like i had a decent nite all things considered Carly: you? Ali: Gurl, yes he is and no you ain't! Ali: Probably Ali: Who cares if you are, he is, and the rest Ali: I dated him for a bit, so there's no shady, tryna steal your man on the sly going on, don't worry Ali: much the same, my head feels like someone took my eyes out and shoved 'em up my arse, you know? Ali: standard sunday vibes Carly: aw you're sweet but it's no diss on me Carly: like ive cheated on him a few times Carly: but he does it too you're right w that Carly: hes a good fuck when he's not too wasted tho which you kno if you got it too Carly: you're single now tho? Carly: can have him back if you want Ali: Fair play Ali: why not call it open and call it a day? Ali: Probs 'cos he likes fighting as much as he likes fucking Ali: Meh, yeah, was passable, gotta have some reason to keep him around, like Ali: Nah, going out with the girl that drove us back Ali: Remember? Dark hair, angry Carly: yea Carly: you know Carly: shit my bad Carly: she was scary is what i've got in my head Carly: idk my head is sketch cant trust it Ali: That's a fair assessment, I reckon Ali: She wouldn't hate it either so you good 😉 Carly: pretty tho Carly: call it a trade up Ali: Yeah, she's cute Ali: you need any more of the night filling in lemme know, I'll do my best Ali: it was pretty standard though, nothing too wild Carly: no faking it w her cuz shes too drunk Carly: designated driver be like Carly: last i see i was getting with his friend lowkey and he went off about it im blank from then Ali: its a fucking gay crime to ever fake it, no matter what Ali: I can get behind that one tho, not got the time or energy tbh Ali: yeah i think him and his friend then got in a scrap and then they left Ali: bros before hoes mentality hardcore, like idk, have fun jerking each other off then, if that's ur vibe boys Carly: k that sounds legit from what i caught on his socials Carly: didnt upload the circle jerk bless Carly: gay crimes must of been committed Ali: sad face Ali: coulda spat on his back Ali: protip Carly: ill let him know when he texts me later Carly: how did you kno where i live? state of me Carly: sorry to drag you this way Ali: plottwist, i'm a massive stalker with bad intentions Ali: I truly don't know, but I'll tell Lene she should be a cabbie 'cos she managed and I don't think we got any puke in her car Carly: k big lesbian crush on me yea Carly: ioher lots Carly: stealing her girl and wrecking her car in one Ali: Naturally, you cute Ali: I'll give you her number if you like, or just pass along the thanks and soz Carly: awh you're cuter Carly: probs still drunk tho Carly: giving me those kind words Carly: you handle the now ex if you love me Ali: Hahaha, he'd LOVE that Ali: ghosts of gf past Ali: Let me and I'll love you forever Carly: go for it Ali: let's see if I've still got his number Ali: this contact list is a minefield of mistakes but the real embarrassment would be getting them muddled up, fo'shame! Carly: i can give it Carly: used it more recently than you Carly: up there at my top Ali: won't be tellin' him that Ali: don't need the ego boost Ali: but tah Carly: makes it more fun to fuck him over if you praise him first Carly: but maybe thats me Ali: like a shit sandwich Ali: I get it Carly: hungry for anything but that rn Carly: [Sends the number tho] Ali: wanna come for brunch Ali: now you are newly gay Ali: that's what they do, fucking sex in the city up in dis bitch Carly: yea? weird Carly: not what i thought Carly: awh first date tho Ali: forreal, even the butch ones, don't let 'em fool you, its all fancy fucking eggs and screwdrivers by 11am Ali: you call 'em mimosas tho, gotta pretend you're being classy Carly: wtf is a screwdriver Ali: Babe! Ali: Vodka and orange juice Carly: i call it that Carly: gays and their labels Ali: save it for the rant sesh honey Ali: love you talking about how men ain't shit as well Carly: thats the ones i fuck Carly: cant be bringing no poshos to a caravan Ali: Posh boys are only good for the money anyway, I'm sure Ali: not finding any in 24 like regardless Carly: not gonna find out if they do drive by now im a lesbian wife Carly: sorry lads Ali: they had their chance Ali: unlucky boys Carly: should prob tell me your name again if im taking it Ali: Ruins the mystery a bit but alright Ali: Its Ali Ali: Ali McKenna if we're being formal Carly: k you've got the hot brothers Carly: makes sense Ali: 🤔 Ali: I think you're thinking of someone else, babe Carly: not trying to have our first fight but you coulda told me before we got hitched, bitch Carly: you're still hot tho don't be sad Ali: so you could run off with one of my brothers? i think not Ali: unless you meant Tommy 'cos he's very single but that's unlikely because he's never here Ali: stuck with me for now, hoe 😘 Carly: a slag like me could do worse Carly: has Ali: bitch, same Ali: we can compare notes, see how many regrets we got in common Carly: yea Carly: doing it Ali: Good, save it for brunch 'cos I'm coming forreal Ali: we don't have to deal with a gaggle of gossiping gays tho, bring you a maccies breakfast? Carly: k Carly: be fun Carly: you are from what i remember Ali: I like that Ali: No bullshit Ali: Imma start all interactions like be fun please or I'm out Ali: ✌ bringing the fun and the bacon babe Carly: you're not bringing your gf are you Ali: Nah, how awkward, meet the missus, honey Carly: like there's usually a lad in my trio sorry Carly: still learning this lesbian life Ali: oh, are you bi legit? Ali: she's way too jealous for threesomes, you're good Carly: nah i just know what lads want Ali: Oh gurl Ali: that's why Lene ain't coming Ali: the lecture you're avoiding Carly: idc Carly: youre my wife now bitch Ali: 💍💍 Ali: Productive morning, if I do say so myself Ali: and we're hanging, fuck with us Carly: good influence of you cuz i havent done fuck all this week Ali: Hard work being a bi icon, babe Ali: wait 'til I get you on the yoga hype Carly: wtf Carly: is that a joke Ali: nah, I've already done half an hour this morning Carly: bitch i had my fingers crossed you mistyped yogurt Carly: i love you but its a no Ali: 😂 lets be really into yogurt, not fancy stuff, like fucking froobs Carly: phallic Carly: slurping on my dick shaped yogurt Ali: exactly Ali: what do men love more than a representation of their genitals shoved in your mouth? nothing, is the answer, bar the real thing Ali: so seductive Carly: they don't like food in bed tho, but maybe thats my technique Carly: thinking you could use whatever Carly: k just gonna dump this curry out yea bear with Ali: spicy Ali: imagine the yeast infection you'd get from a fromage frais Carly: like sorry but if i can handle cum in my eye you can deal with some saag aloo boy Carly: googling those symptoms would be a laff tho Ali: ugh, now i want indian Carly: date 2, babe Ali: 😍 Ali: this is all moving so fast Ali: 'bout it Carly: thats all i kno about lesbians k Ali: Its so true Ali: Can confirm Carly: is your gf gonna be mad that im flirting with you Carly: cuz im scrappy but she's scary Ali: 😂 Ali: Probably but when I tell her you're straight she'll have to chill Ali: yeah, we're married BUT SHE'S STRAIGHT, BABE Carly: can't tell her how many girls ive fucked cuz i dont remember Carly: convenient Ali: Best keep that on the DL, yeah Ali: like your blatant gay feelings for me Carly: k Carly: been a secret before no big Ali: Awh babe, ain't nothing dirty about this Ali: I shall tell the world Carly: you're sweet Ali: Probably not if you still wanna be getting that D but you know, noblest intentions, like Carly: im over it Carly: go off Ali: when your pussy's the cure Ali: how can I be humble now? 😏 Carly: dont be Carly: proud slags who fucking love froobs Carly: its a mood Ali: that is a whole ass mood Ali: put it on a t-shirt, babe Carly: earn some bread for my table Ali: solid business plan Ali: we can't be the only ones Carly: independent women who don't need no dick Carly: anymore Ali: hell yeah! Ali: unless that dick wanna pay the bills, in which case we'll let 'em Ali: so we can get more froobs Carly: point Ali: oh no, someone put a pic of Molly Briggs vomming on Insta Ali: 1. gross 2. who hasn't been there, poor bitch Carly: sad Carly: hope she's alright Ali: I'd ask but don't really know her and her phone must already be blowing up Ali: plus she threw a netball right in my face once and I don't forget, bitch Ali: jk, I'll just report the pic 😂 Carly: they all call me a whore cba to keep track of which mollys or other bitches Ali: She is a bit of a bitch, ain't gonna sugarcoat it so probably Ali: not saying Karmas real but posted on that friggin' TallaghtSlags page so 🤷 Ali: grab a froob, darling Carly: her name makes me wanna party with her dad but thats as far as im fucking with that family Carly: or mum i dont know who picked it like Ali: Init, proper old skool ravers, obvs Ali: think I'm out of eccies, sadly Ali: last night depleted me Carly: Watch me call my son Bennie cos I got anxiety, baby Ali: Cute tho, whole medicine cabinet of babies Carly: why not im married now Ali: We'll get on that, date 3, like Carly: where you taking me? Ali: up the wheyyyyyyyyyy Ali: well, we had brunch, indian, obvs we're fat bitches Ali: get on that chinese buffet life Carly: you can get on your yoga mat tho Carly: im fucked Carly: letting myself go so soon my bad Ali: Please, you're perfect Ali: I'll have all the kids if you want Carly: blushing is what i am Carly: how many you want? Ali: how many people names are there for drugs? molly bennie mandy charlie umm Ali: and our preachy child, frank Carly: ha Carly: tina that's one Ali: Ooh, yes, a gay icon Carly: billy, bud our weak child, cosmic kelly who's gonna have to style that out Ali: oh kelly, I hope you have the personality to match or we've really fucked you over there, soz babe Carly: can't forget dimitri, lucy or mandy Carly: sweet sweet mary joy Ali: My fanny hurts just thinking about it Carly: christine and tina are obvs twins thats a relief Carly: how manys that? Ali: 13 Ali: Unlucky for some but my actual lucky number! Ali: Fated Carly: ha Carly: it's love and keeps being proven Ali: can't fight what's clearly so right Carly: true Ali: you want a milkshake Ali: i'm having one Carly: yea Carly: strawberry Ali: 'cos u so sweet 💚 Carly: awww Ali: I shall be right there, with brunch fit for a pair of proud slags Carly: k Carly: my parents arent here no need to break the news of wedded bliss Ali: Would be a weird first impression but I could rock it Ali: new fave in-law? I think so Carly: yea Carly: cant fight fate like Carly: been said Ali: forreal, catch me outside if you got something to say, lads Ali: alone time with the bae is always good tho Carly: you kno Carly: love you bitch Ali: love ya 😘

0 notes

medin-ar · 4 years

Text

17.04.20

Its the last day of the mid sem and I feel like I havent done anything. After I figured out how to use unity I just stopped. I have all these ideas but I dont know where to direct myself to start creating my AR. I feel like I should probably start with my target image but then again a target image can be taken from the AR experience I make. I dont know ?? So, my goal for next week is to do these things.

- attend classes

- make target image

- start making shapes in tinker or blender

- upload drafts onto appeareation to practice

0 notes

survivormarmoreal · 6 years

Text

Episode #5: "his Kirby ass can shut the hell up” - Marie

Charlie being safe!? Yas. Good for me since he is part of my alliance.

An alice them challenge. Uh yass!! 🦑 i have the book so i can quickly look thru it and find people, items, food, and other stuff which is good for us. I dont want to go to tribal.

nicolegilmoreToday at 7:42 PM That was probably Kaleigh bc I would open messages and not answer them

that was about when we played before and she was part of a 3 person catfish. but funny enough it still applies to this game!!! love when she leaves me on read for 20 hours

So I feel good with my standing in this tribe tbh. I feel like I have made meaningful contributions to the tribe in challenges and have a good rapport with a few tribe members. Keaton and Marie might be the easiest too get out, even though I am aware that it makes me a threat but we been used to that feeling. Having the idol as extra security as well makes me feel good so eeeek. I just want too survive to merge and link up with new people and people who i know as well, and play off that. im super nervous but also excited, i just hope to god we win this immunity

At first I thought this Alice and wonderland challenge was going to be super fun an exciting. At first it was. Now its getting a little frustrating and annoying seeing Not Found (something along those lines). I'm hoping that our 28 items is higher than the other tribe's or at least being a tie. I want to avoid tribal still because still feeling sketch about this tribe.

Our search isnt doing too well. And nicole went missing and dont know she is. We have 28 items. Hopefully thats enough but i have a feeling in my stomach that it isnt and im scared. Dont want to go to tribal. Hope we win though. 🤞

if kirby does not tell me his great great great great grandmas waffle recipe hes done for. like why bring it up if ur not gonna share. ??? um we won immunity again and im so happy bc i dont want to go to tribal bc even tho there are MULTIPLE ppl i want out i dont want to risk it. stan list right now is dennis, naptime, matt, marie. everyone else? and matt and marie barely on there too... but um actually starting to like them and theyre more responsive now so love that! by the end of this game ill actually know things about alice in wonderland wooh!

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Okay so this sucks. We all really tried hard and we only lost by 2 points which is so frustrating. Not to mention that Nick and Charlie couldn't even find anything at all. And now we're in a really shitty spot because sending Nick home would be an easy out but he possibly has this legacy advantage thing which he can use tonight and if that means he's safe than idk what to do because I have a strong alliance with the other 4 people on my tribe. Which means now we have to come up with a plan to make sure Nick feels safe and he doesn't use his advantage but we still put the majority of votes on him. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Okay I'm laying it on thick with Nick. Really trying to play the middle and see where his head is at. I think honestly chances are Nick will make it through this round but I want to make sure after the vote he still trusts me but he does use his Legacy Advantage. Brian and I are walking a very thin line.

Yas. We won immunity again! 🦑 Still on of the 3 people not go to tribal yet which is pretty awesome. I’m now hoping that Charlie, Sharky, and Brian can find a way to survive again. Don’t want to lose any of them. Hopefully we merge soon. Its going to be down to 12 people after tomorrow’s tribal. Only ones to really talk to me on this tribe is Dennis, Bryce, Keaton and sometimes Matt. Havent talked to much to Marie. And Nicole ive tried but ignored. If anything it would be cool to blindside Nicole at first tribal in the merge.

I think im going to talk game to keaton today and see if we could work together. And im also going to see what Bryce thinks about us working together as well. Im just nervous if tonight we do merge at tribal, i dont want to be first boot. I want to make it far in this game.

I don't know if my last confessional went through, so I'll just send another one in hehe...

I do feel like Charlie is going home this round because of his idol play last round, but it could also be Nick going or him using his Legacy Advantage and all that being gone. I don't really know, but I want to make sure it ain't me and that's what's important.

As for other things... love Sharky, what a king. Love Nathan, another king... Annabelle's really cool, ya... I love Charlie but he's still probably gonna die... and ya kjHDA... that's all I have to say...

Scared for merge because L O fucking L... that's going to be a mess. It could be coming tonight, but I really do not know and I'm scared…

Keaton decides to call me inactive in the tribe chat but his Kirby ass can shut the hell up, he's just bitter I voted against him the first tribal and he's tryna put the target on my ass. Thank god we won the challenge because I don't know if I would've stayed. I have good relationships with Bryce Matt and Dennis but I don't know if that's enough to keep me.

So first off. Sorry for no video confessional. But not enough happened to bramble around and take 3 hours of my internet for uploading slow AF but here is a small summary of what happened to my game. Idolsearch: went to the tugley woods again. I guess you need a map to find your way through it, but what do i know D: Last tc: Charlie played his idol and mentioned publically that all of his old tribe knew about that idol anyways. What kind of made me a bit suspicious. Mainly because when he told me, he said that he really wants to work with me and thats why he is telling me this secret. I don't mind that the idol is gone, but if he told that everyone? mhm... I approached maynor to see if he knew and he said NO. so maybe I did a whoopsie? WHO KNOWS.

Eitherway. Anna announced a "live challenge" after this tribal (oh yeah we are safe again woo), but since we would be down to 12 I wouldn't be surprised if that "live challenge" is actually the merge announcement? If not. I think EVEN IF WE LOSE i should be in a decent position? Because Keaton couldn't keep his mouth shut and when it came to sitting someone out and called out Marie in the tribe chat. Bad move for him, good for me. Because even if we go to tribal unless someone really wants to target me for some reason it should be between those 2

youtube

Okay so we've come up with a slightly complicated plan. Looks like I'm going to lose Charlie this round which makes me kind of sad because I really get on well with him. But it's what i have to do to get further in the game. We're going to split the vote so The Dinah Dudes vote fro Nick. The OG Absolem people vote Charlie. Anna tells Nick he needs to use his Legacy Advantage so we get rid of that from the game. I just hope I come out of this without hurting Charlie or pissing off Nick.

AJ just used an emoji that CHANGED. MY. LIFE. It's like praying and trying to stay calm and then fire happens and it says BOI! And if that isn't a fucking mood idk what is!

Y'all I am so bad at this idol hunt. I keep choosing locations that don't even have choices. Yikes. Everybody else has advantages and shit and I'm just sitting in an empty meadow.

I’m sad we lost i actually tried for this because I didn’t want a complicated tribal but bleh Idk how this will work but I think it will work out for the best potentially if it goes the way I’m hoping. I loved this comp though the hosts did a great job with it. It was actually fun

youtube

With merge approaching I think that it’s important I remember I really don’t owe anything to the people on my tribe... they voted out Jayden and told me nothing and I think it’s time for some revenge.. all you people in the viewing lounge stay tuned... Ima show you why I’ve never not made a merge!

I’m not sure if it’s day 13, I’ve been safe every single round and I have absolutely no clue how I am doing that.....Dennis is my one and only ally. Hopefully it's merge time!

Honestly, I think I might be going home lol. Brian and Sharky are telling me Nick but no one else has messaged me. Severely regretting using my idol now lol.

Hope my bois have still got my back, even though I haven't been that helpful in challenges recently. I'm hoping it'll reduce my threat level for merge hehe

Ive been talking to Bryce and wants to work with me. This is great. So on this tribe i have Dennis and Bryce and perhaps even keaton. So just nervous for live challenge.

LAST MINUTE SCRAMBLING. Sounds like Nick is trying to flip the vote on Brian. he asked Nathan and Anna to flip off of Charlie. So Now Brian is worried (Which is totally fair) because he doesn't know if he can trust Anna. So even if Nathan/Brian/I stick to the plan, if she flips and Nick uses his advantage Brian goes home. So now he wants to flip his vote so worst case scenario it goes 2-2-2 and we can fix things on the revote. Ugh I hate scrambling. I prefer my tribals over easy.

Charlie is voted out 3-2.

#allmadhere #episode

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sassyhottubstrawberry-blog · 6 years

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When getting an auto insurance quote they ask if you have any major violations. Do they only know if u tell them, or will they eventually find out of u lie?""

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What is the Fannie Mae hazard insurance coverage minimum?

Pay out of pocket for my car or go through my insurance company?

I live on a hill. Last week, in a quirky weather situation, the street I live on got super-slick just long enough for my 2000 Toyota Camry to go into a 300' free-slide down the hill and crash into a curb and a tree. It was a one-car accident, no one was injured. The repairman can only give me a rough estimate at this time but he thinks it'd cost about $1500 to repair using old body parts, although he says it could cost more if he finds more damage as he goes along--in that case he thinks it might cost up to $2,000 to patch it up out of pocket. I asked him about the pros and cons of paying out of pocket vs. going through insurance in my particular case. He said that if I chose to go through insurance--which would mean getting a USAA adjuster out and all--that he was thinking it would probably cost $2500 to repair, maybe more if it turned out there was more damage that he could see at this time. But he pointed out that I'd have to pay the deductible (which I think is $500 for my car, not sure) and that my insurance rates would go up. But then you'd end up with a new-looking car. [as opposed to a patched-up looking car]. My husband absolutely wants to pay out of pocket--he does not want to involve our auto insurance company, saying, The insurance company is only for the big accidents. But I'd like to keep this car for several more years if I can because there's no car out there that I like better, so I'm wondering if maybe it might be worth going through the insurance company. Here's a little more information: My 2000 Toyota Camry has 115,000 miles on it and has been very reliable over the years. The motor wasn't damaged and, in fact the car is already driving well again except that one headlight and blinker are broken. There is, of course, body damage to the front and hood, plus a 6 crack over the left back tire (not very deep), which occurred when I backed out of the tree, slid again, and hit the curb on the opposite side of the street. Re: Our insurance situation? We (me and my 3 driving age children) had a string of costly minivan accidents in the 1990s: 1. one in 1997 when my daughter totaled my van, and got sued for injuries by 2 people in the other car (the lawsuit was settled many years ago but it dragged out for years). 2. one by me, a one-car accident, no injuries, our insurance company paid for the damage minus the deductible 3. 2 accidents caused by other drivers, so my insurance company didn't have to pay any damages--I don't know if USAA takes accidents caused by other people into consideration or not. 4. My son totaled my van in 2000 [which is why my current car is a year 2000]. So we have not called upon our insurance company for any expenses for almost 11 years now. Regarding traffic tickets? I got one 3-4 years ago for speeding--35 or 40 mph in a 25 mph zone-. If my points from this ticket have expired by now (not sure), then there are no other points on our record. Our children are now out of the nest and only one of them borrows our car when she comes to visit once every month or two. I put less than 10,000 miles/year on my car for work and vacations. We live in PA. So my question is this: Given the age of the car, amount of damage, etc., is it worth going through our insurance company to get the car fixed rather than pay OOP--or would going through insurance raise our insurance premiums so much that it wouldn't be worth it?""

What is the cheapest car insurance in st. louis for teens?

Car insurance help ok so i am going to be a first year driver?

ok so i am going to be a first year driver what insurance company should i get since the are a lot of them out there and how much do u think i will be paying per month in joliet IL i am a male and 18 years old

How come muscle cars are cheaper to insure than japanese tuners?

It would cost me 179 a month to insure a pontiac firebird trans am, but it would cost me 620 to insure a subaru WRX. Another example is it would cost me 152 to insure a 89 camaro IROC-Z v8, but 213 a month to insure a mitsubishi eclipse gsx, I'm pissed off""

""First time driver, why is a Smart Fortwo 2002 reg third party fire and theft so expensive on insurance?!?""

I recently did an insurance quote for a Smart Fortwo, the value of it 2400, and the insurance came up third party fire and theft at 2900!!! :O why for such a small and low engine car would it be so gob smackingly expensive?! I hope someone can put my mind at rest because i really would love to know! Thanks :D""

How much will it cost to get me listed on my mom's insurance?

And do I have to be on their? I only want to drive it once. Thanks.

How much would insurance be for a 18 year old girl for a 2006 mustang?

I live in NY. I'm looking into buying a 2006 mustang (not gt). I've had my license for about two years. I will be on my parents insurance (state farm) but the car will be in my name and I will need full coverage. I have a good job but, I'm just looking for estimates on what it will cost me monthly or yearly.Thank you!""

Ideas for first car 10000 including insurance?

Hi i'm 17 male and have a budget of about 10000 to spend on a car and insurance. Looking for something fairly cool, nothinglike a micra or ka! Also want something pretty reliable no no american or french car suggestions please Thanks! :D""

Good cheap nice looking car for a 16 year old and easy to insure?

Wat is the best small car and cheap on insurance?

When you buy a brand new car off the showroom do you still need insurance for uk?

if you buy a brand new car and if it has gaurantee do you still need insurance?

Question about car insurance in London?

My sister has gone overseas for a few weeks and has left her car at my house where I am taking care of it. I am not insured so I don't drive it. My housemate has insurance on her own car, would she legally be allowed to drive my sisters car? I heard somewhere that she could drive it, but she'd only have 3rd party coverage. Is that true?""

Car Insurance problem?

I need to renew my car insurance in the next few days but I am also moving to a new address in under 3 weeks time. This new address offers me much cheaper car insurance. I don't use my car much and can do without using it all for 3 weeks. If it is parked on the road and fully taxed is it a legal requirement to insure the vehicle even if it isn't used. I can live with it being stolen or damaged but I wouldn't want to be fined for being uninsured. The only problem with insuring the vehicle under my current postcode is that I'm at the whim of the insurance companies to what discount they offer me when I actually move. All the insurers I have phoned can't guarantee a fixed price for the new postcode if I register my the policy under my current postcode for the first 3 weeks. My main concern is not to do anything illegal so at the end of the day it's not worth saving money if I am going to get in to trouble or be fined.

Insurance coverage with DUI involved?

My father recently crashed his car into a van after consuming over the legal limit of alcohol (well over knowing him), and is concerned whether Progressive insurance will cover vehicle damages for him and the other driver. Also notable is that his car is pretty much totaled, I think, and he does have some previous blemishes on his driving record and the car is leased. If someone with some knowledge on these matters would help and give me an idea of what insurance will and will not cover could help it would be much appreciated.""

How much is insurance on a genesis coupe?

im doing thiss on my phone im at work so i cant call an insurance company. please help

How much money will I save if I go on my parents' insurance plan?

Ok, so I did hear that if I go under my parents' insurance plan that it would be a lot cheaper. If it is cheaper, how much cheaper? How much would I be paying a month or every 6 months, for example. I did request a quote from progressive and what they came up with is..... $485.19 every month , $613 a month with travelers. How much will I be saving if i go under my parents' insurance? Thank you all in advance!""

How long will my accident affect my insurance premiums?

I just filed a claim with my insurance company, in California. If they find me to be at fault, then how long will my insurance cost more? Is there a certain time that it won't be on my record, or count anymore?""

What is some cheap full coverage insurance alabama?

How much would a car insurance agent in alberta be expected to make?

Car insurance for a 16 YR old girl with an 08' Mustang?

How much would insurance cost for a 16 year old girl with an 08 Mustang with Famers insurance. I have all A&B's in school. Have taken drivers ed. Have no wrecks on my record. Please give me a real price range not too much or A lot.

Where is the best place for cheap car insurance for my 17 year old son?

Help!! My son has passed his driving test aged 17 but the insurance we've been looking at astronomical!! Can anyone advise me on any good deals :)

Insurance on a Pontiac Trans Am?

Hello. I was just wondering what would the insurance cost you on a 1998-2002 Ws6 Pontiac Trans Am For a 17 Year old living in Orlando, Florida???? Thank You.""

Car Insurance...????

How much would it be for a 16 Year old boy to be added on his parents insurance policy... Completed Drivers Ed Lives in Baltimore, MD Has really good grades It would be liberty mutual if that helps... thanks!""

Which company is best for a first time driver to insure with ?

I am 17 in April and will be learning to drive and was wondering if anyone could recommend the best insurers Cheapest most reliable. please help ive been going round in circles.

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What is the estimate car insurance cost for me?

Hello~ I'm a 16 year old female who is looking into cars and insurance. I've made a deal with my parents, so I believe that I am getting a 2013 Kia Rio. My question is...What is a rough estimate for the insurance cost that my parents will have to pay? 16 years old Female 2013 Kia Rio I have a 3.5 - 3.8 ish GPA (Can't remember exactly) If I have to, I'll probably take a drivers ed class (Although I'd love to avoid that) I believe my family is with State Farm We live in Gilbert AZ Thank you in advance! <3""

What is the best health insurance for a college student?

My mother recently changed jobs so i lost my health insurance. I've never actually looked into insurance because it was always already there for me (which was stupid of me not to do). Which is the best insurance to have in terms of coverage and cost?

How to get into a new Car Insurance?

About 1.5 yrs back my wife scratched another car while parking. The claim was settled using insurance. The expense was about $1500. Ever since that the insurance company, AAA, has been increasing our premiums by abt $35 on every renewal. Now I cannot switch or shop with other insurance company since they give quotes much higher than this company. But apart from this one incident we do not have anything else on our record. Also I get discount for Home+Auto insurance. The company increased prices on our Home Insurance too. I am badly stuck with this company now. I would like to buy Auto+home from one company itself. But I really cannot move my Auto Insurance. Please give suggestions.""

Homeowners Insurance in Florida?

I am looking to buy a house for the first time. Insurance seems high in Florida. Does anyone know what a possible insurance price would be for an 1800 sqft ranch with a pool? I have seen over 2200 a year!

""Adding driver car insurance, average cost?""

if you add another driver to your insurance like your brother, or sister or son, who is a new driver, and your insurance costs $350 for six months. how much do you think would be additional cost to this insurance? if you can share ur experience it would be nice. i know it all depends on the history of the other driver, but say the other driver did not have any accidents or anything. i need to get a general impression... Thanks in advance.""

""Health insurance for young, healthy people?""

I'm trying to find a health insurance plan made for someone like me- 26, male, non-smoker,non-drinker, currently at ideal weight, regularly exercises, no health conditions, no prescriptions, etc. I mostly want something that'll cover check-ups with maybe a small co-pay, and then has a high deductable for a broken bone/ sports injury etc. Everything available at my job seems to cater to the chronically ill/ older/ heavy prescription user. private plans are to much per month. This is why I decline medical benefits, year after year! I know any of these plans would be helpful in the case of serious injury- just in case. But none seems to offer any tangible benefits like, I don't know, 2 doctor visits a year? Every plan requires that I exhaust my deductable first- I'll never spend 250-1000 a year for doctors visits! I'm guessing, based on cost that a high deductable plan is best for my broken bone scenario- but how can then screw me out of seeing a doctor just to get a check up?""

""I am 26 and currently a student and i dont have a job,i was looking for an affordable health insurance.?""

I am 26 and currently a student and i dont have a job,i was looking for an affordable health insurance.?""

Cheapest Auto Insurance??

I am presently using Allstate for my 3 cars... an Acura (let me rephrase that..2 cars the Acura was totalled in Sundays car accident) The Infinity and the Nissan..the rates are about $ 3000 for 6 months for all 3 cars..now 2) full coverage all inclusive insurance.. Are there cheaper companies out there ??? Who do you use? I live in N.Y.. Allstate has really always been there for me I just got a nice check from them for my daughters car...Do you think i could get a cheaper company???

How much should I be paying a month in car insurance?

I'm going to be buying a car hopefully in the next two weeks, and I'm just wondering what the average rate I should be paying for car insurance should be. I'm 23, live with my parents, would be parking in the garage, and the car I would be buying is a 2012 Honda Civic LX. I would mostly be using it for commuting to and from work, I've never had a car before so I know it's probably going to be somewhere around $300/month. Note: I live in Canada so if you're in the states there will probably be a big difference in how much I pay.""

How much is insurance on a Oldsmobile Alero or a Toyota Echo???

I am currently looking for a new car, and I'm trying to find a car with a good safety rating, dependable and low insurance. Can anyone help me in my search?""

Why do men pay higher rates for auto insurance than women.........if women cause more accidents than men?

http://autos.aol.com/article/women-worse-drivers/?icid=maing-grid7%7Cmain5%7Cdl8%7Csec1_lnk1%7C75950

Buying Health Insurance?

I am 60 with pre-existing conditions and am trying to find health insurance, not a discount program. However, I am not sure how to go about finding the right insurance that I can afford. I have degenerative joint disease and spinal stenosis and it is difficult to find affordable insurance. Can anyone help me with this?""

What car is quite cheap to buy and is also cheap on insurance for a first time driver?

my parents are gettin me a car but im payin insurance .. any ideas?

Cheap insurance for 18 year old?

does anyone know any cheap websites or company's because on all the comparison websites im getting 3500 pound for a 1.1 Peugeot 106, and that's third party fire and theft :( please help because this is ridiculous.""

Will a sports car make my insurance more expenisive?

Im 18 years old and my parents just bought me a sports car. No, I'm not spoiled. They got it for me because its miles were under 100k, it was only 2000 dollars, and it wasn't ...show more""

Car insurance company's do they make you angry!!!!?

My car insurance compnay (Hastings Direct ) dont use them there sh!t, anyway on the 22nd april I asked for them to send my Insurance certificate as I only had a temp one that ran out 2 weeks before the date I needed to tax my car wich was 31-5-06, but i never got it so I rang again on the 25th of may and they said there sorry but forgot to send it in april & said we will sent it today . still not got it and my car tax ran out on 31st! rang again today and asked were the hell is my insurance certificate .. there reply oh it must of got lost in post we will send it out today!! how bad is that!!! has this or anything like this happen to you.? if so what compnay s I know not to move to them""

How can i get cheap car insurance insurance?

I live in london Age 17, just got my driving licence Ive got a 1.4 L diesel Fiesta 53 Plate Where can i get decent insurance, the cheapest i got was 5k, im only willing to pay 3k Idk if i have to lie to them, i just want insurance Any help??""

Why do we need car insurance or why is it required?

I've been driving for about 3 years now, and I honestly cannot help but ask why are we paying $100 per month or more on car insurance, and some of us don't even get into accident at all? I mean that is like money out the door. My current premium is $625 per 6 month and it is a pain to pay it off. So, what I suggest if you get into an accident you are required take out a loan if you cannot pay and pay it yourself, wouldn't that make more sense? Instead of having to pay all that money off and in return you get nothing?""

American health insurance question?

So, whats stopping people from not getting health insurance and paying the $95 fine, but when they get sick and need insurance. They go and get insurance because they can't be denied for pre existing conditions?""

After you sell your car do you get your insurance back?

my car has failed M.O.T and can't be fixed as its to much would i have to pay my car insurance off or get back what ive payed so far

Should I buy earthquake insurance in california?

I've lived in the Bay Area for 20 years and never purchased earthquake insurance for my home. I heard rates were going down, and AAA quoted me a rate of nearly $1200 for earthquake coverage- there is 75,000 deductible, and they will cover up to $525,000 to rebuild. What is the consensus on this issue?""

Polk County Auto Insurance?

Hi, is it true that come this October no auto insurance will be required or is it just another rumor?""

Insurance sells up or down?

This is a question addressed to current ly licensed Insurance agents abroad; therefore, my question is concerning the economy crisis we Americans are facing right now and with that, is Life & health Insurance coverage on the fall or rise? I have been waiting to start this career but not too assured that right now is the best time for this.""

Someone hit my dad's car with no insurance?

So my dad was on his way home from work. At an intersection, he was waiting for the light to turn green, when suddenly someone hit him from the back, probably because the person didn't stop in time. So the person waved his hand to go somewhere to park and exchange information. Notice, no witness besides the two of them. Well, it was a crowded intersection and at dinner time, so no one stopped, and it's impossible to track any down. My dad was panicking, so he just followed the guy. Both exchanged legitimate information and drove home. When my dad got home, of course, it was past 8pm, so we couldn't call the insurance company. So we did all the paperwork the next day. It turned out, the guy's insurance had expired just 1 month before. We told the guy and he said okay and will pay by cash. My dad went to the autodealer and the price is about $4000. So the problem is now, we've been keep calling him and he doesn't pick up. He picked up the first couple of times, but now he doesn't anymore. We told him the price already. What should we do? Take him to court? I heard you don't get anything out of it. We have the guy's info, because his old insurance sent it. It happened on 16/01/2013 Orange County, California My dad's car Mercedes ML320 2001. Damage: the trunk is pretty damaged, can't open it anymore. Obvious it was hit by a car. We just want the guy to pay for what he did.""

Does having a CDL help lower your insurance on your vehcile?

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Should I buy earthquake insurance in california?

Which auto insurence is the cheaper?

i whan insurance may car but which one is cheaper

Would car insurance on a?

2006 dodge ram 1500 short bed single cab or 2005chevy tahoe z71 cost more?

Car Insurance?

I have a quick question, my husband wants to buy a car [in which we have the money] however when we go to the insurance office do we need to pay a downpayment in order to get the car insured?""

""Help, I need car insurance, best quote 1356 pounds?""

Help, I need car insurance, best quote 1356 pounds 9 years no claims, driving licence for 20 years, the car is a 2 lit and 5 years old Helppppppp""

Dose the red light camera offence affect our records or insurance?

A friend of mine borrow my car on December for half a day and 2 days ago I got a $180 fine with picture from red light camera! I feel very upset not for the fine but because it could goes in my records!!!

Good insurance for young drivers on luxury cars?

i'm looking to get insured on a 2011 bmw x5 m sport 3.0D, i'm 19. I cant seem to find an insurance company that will insure me however there must be a way even if its ridiculously expensive, recently in the newspaper there was a guy from london with a provisional license insured on a ferrari as his first car. So yeah just wondering if you guys know any good car insurance companies for specific needs? Thanks""

""As a 21 year old unemployed college student, do I need to buy health insurance?""

I'm an unemployed senior in college and I don't have health insurance. I live with my mother, who is currently unemployed and uninsured. We're pretty much just getting by, ...show more""

Where can i find a cheap car insurance?

i live in UK from 2011 and i am self employed. i have a very cheap vauxhall and i pay nearly 2000 a year on car insurance. i want to have a second car to be clean and for social use only but i will need to pay an extra 1000 per year. i am 27 years old and have 5 years EU driven licence. can you advise me in any way?

""Im 21years old,male with a mazda miata 2001. My auto insurance to too high. where can I get cheaper insurance?""

Im 21years old,male with a mazda miata 2001. My auto insurance to too high. where can I get cheaper insurance?""

Classic / antique auto insurance in ny cheap?

Im looking to get cheap classic auto insurance. for a car thats more than 25 years old. Its going to be a show car, and rarely be driven. Liability only. I live in NY, so company must be available in NY, and be cheap. Thanks.""

Is atheism a good substitute for affordable health insurance?

I know that many atheists in here pride yourselves on being far more logical and better prepared for the real world than religious people, and than Christians in particular. Does your lack of belief in God give you a special advantage in coping with medical emergencies and the financial expenses of medical emergencies, I wonder? Why or why not?""

Where can a first time driver buy affordable car insurance?

My family does not want to put me under their policy. I am 17 and will be getting my licence this Friday. I make minimum wage ($7.25 and hour) I will be driving my mother's car. Is there any insurance I can afford on my own?

What cars are cheap for insurance?

i haven't passed my test, but am thinking about getting a little car. i need it to be cheap on a full uk lisence otherwise i won't be able to afford it. i would also aprreciate your help if you know any cars that have good consumption rates and are cheap to run. thanks in advance""

How much does car insurance cost for a teen driver in AZ?

I'm 17 & I Just Bought A 2002 Chevy Cavalier LS. & I Need To Pay My Own Insurance. If I Want Full Coverage How Much Will That Be? I Know Some Insurance Companies Take Grades Into Consideration & I'm An A&B Straight Student

Health insurance for my to be step son...?

my boyfriend wants to get his son health insurance but not himself. I think he should insure both his son and himself but he doesnt want to. He wants to wait until we get married and ...show more

Best insurance company for small startup security training agency and consulting firm?

Starting up in the DC, MD, VA area and looking for an affordable insurance company for a small business training agency. I eventually want to expand into security consulting, but for the time being, it'll be primarily security training. Policy in my area has to be minimum 600k of general liability. Any recommendations?""

How much will my insurance raise after DUI and totaled vehicle?

I totaled my 2005 Jeep Wrangler Unlimited Friday night and got a DUI. I have been with Nationwide for a number of years, and had a pretty exemplerary driving record. I was paying about 100 dollars a month full coverage as a 26 year old male on my Jeep. Does anyone have an educated guess at what my insurance rates will do now? I'm trying to decide, when I get my license back and buy a new car, if I should be looking at a sports car with full coverage, or if insurance prices alone are going to make me want to get something cheap with liability coverage. By the way, I live in West Virginia.""

Car insurance Premium?

(I have only had car insurance for about 6 months, so I am still pretty new to this). My question was that my 6 month renewal policy states that my premium is $728.86; however, when I first got with this company, I paid around $368 down because I am in that age bracket where they stereotype you as a bad driver. Will I have to pay the $368 again along with monthly payments of $66.60? Or will I just continue to pay my monthly payment as it is?""

What insurance is needed in Texas to host a non-profit fundraiser?

I am in Galveston, TX and I am looking to host a large outdoor fundraiser for a non-profit organization. What type of insurance will I need to cover the event? Where can I look to find more details and how much does this insurance usually cost? Thanks!""

25 years old and buy life insurance?

Hi guys thanks for reading my problem. I am 22 years old, my husband just 25 years old. We've been married for six years, and has three children. His work on the site and my question is... 25 too early to look for to buy life insurance? If not, would you recommend any company? I extra novice, this will be our first look for life insurance for our family.""

What is the most affordable life insurance in japan?

Whats the cheapest car insurance company in Missouri?

I am 20 and attend college. I never needed a car before but now that I have to start driving, I have to get my driver's license. I have my permit and a car but since I need legal tags and insurance to take the driving test. I have to get insurance before I can get tags. So I wanted to know whats the best insurance company for me, where prices won't be outrageous??? Thanks for the help: )""

How long does it usually take to get car insurance?

Hi. I'm an 18 year old teen. Recently obtained my drivers license. But I can't drive yet because I don't have car insurance. I was wondering how long it usually takes to get car insurance as a teen. From researching it tells me it may take as short as 3 days and as long as 7 days. (Business days only of course). I've been waiting for around. 11 business days. Is that normal? I have no idea what the car insurance company my parents are using because they know i'm going to call them and complain. My friends who are...Allstate,Geico,Triple A, ETC. Have told me they got their car insurance in about 3 business days.""

""Renter's insurance, is it worth it?""

I keep on getting these ads from Geico on the renter's insurance packages that they offer. I am renting right now and has one roommate. I've gotten mixed opinions on the renter's insurance, some say it's not worth it some say it is. So what do you guys think? I don't think it's that much money, maybe like $20 a month or something like that?""

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