#so i reset my game a bit and went back to the grove and have just been wandering a bit

[the-potato-beeper]

hello dearly beloved mutuals (and other friends)! does anyone have any beginners tips for Baldur's Gate 3? i am struggling a bit, and would appreciate any help y'all can give!

[blackblooms]

Irredeamable developpement retrospective Final part: Irredeamable Well, thats it. The one game in this series that you actually get to play, but even this project encountered quite a few changes as it went. So lets get into some of it.

Early in development, irredeamable was meant to be more of a metroidvania, where you'd explore interconnected levels with several routes, including some that would bring you back to the hub or allow you to visit later levels early.

This is especially visible with grimwood breach which was originally intended as the first level. Part of why it ended up feeling much more twisted and disjointed than other areas was that its rooms were constantly moved around in development as i tried to make a linear level out of them.

What eventually cemented the current form of the game was a change of approach as i began working on the shaded coast and focused on making a linear sequence of rooms rather than a complex maze. (you may also notice that the two levels ended up switching position in the hub)

From that point onward, i worked under the philosophy "focus on the game you have, not the one you want" I continued to make slow but steady progress, occasionally having to make concessions about my plans to make the project more achievable.

During the project, i worked with this hand little thing, a chart of all the areas i had planned (their state of progress being indicated by the saturation of the color)

Here you can see an older version of the chart, and all the side paths that were planned and ended up being cut. Originally, the postgame was meant to be much bigger than it ended up being. Each level had an extra-side route within the world's bowels, ending with a boss rematch. These included an underwater ship graveyard, a forbidden grove, A scrapyard full of undead machines leading to an abandoned factory, rotten tunnels and roots under the forest, an ancient tomb where you`d find the spirits of fallen heroes, and a secret vault where old secrets were preserved. These would all eventually lead to the watchmaker citadel/eye of the watchmaker, a final gauntlet inside of the space station that the "gods" of this land operated from. From all of this, only the foundations remain a single expensive postgame level that ends with a dedicated boss rematch zone. (there is a bit of a secret to anyone who visits this area before finishing the game, but i won't spoil what you`ll find)

Aniway, don`t mind this picture, just needed something to make a cut for this next section about miscellaneous locations and characters that were cut.

First was the original backstory of lady, where she was a giant crystal bird monster and mount evermore was what remained of her body after being slain. The final level back then would have been "house of glass" a journey through lady`s old body where she would ultimately be confronted by the lady of the lake who was once planned as the game final boss

meanwhile the original boss of Mount Evermore (known back then as worlds edge) was the silent sage. An ancient suhagins that had managed to survive all the resets by hiding from the watchmakers within the world`s foundation. He was also completely optional and would just give you lady soul piece without a fight. Much of his role in the story was given to the pilgrim, leaving him as a mere lost memory. If threathened, he would have fought by hiding and launching attacks from the shadows of the background. (there was a vague theme that each boss represented a moral flaw and he was cowardice)

This one won't be too complicated. Violet used to be from New Eden Upper District but was made into a witch to fit better into the areas she is found in.

Krogues/Uris used to fly like the forgotten due to being based on the fairies from the fountain. Their design had to be changed as they became more grounded.

There used to be an arch-witch enemy planned, but she was ultimately scrapped and her grenade-slinging moveset and general aesthetic were instead given to the Uri Chieftain.

The Steam Knight got through a lot of story changes in development. First, he was meant to be Ironwood's son, then it was made into merely a robot that the old man controlled during the first fight. There was plan that the knight would free itself and grow sentient to justify the later fight, but i eventually opted to give control of the robot to another character instead.

Originally, Kingsly was supposed to be donkeyskin father, but while his story was about accepting that his actions had irreparably destroyed his daughter's life and that he would never be forgiven, it ended up feeling a bit wrong to give him a redemption arc when his daughter got a more mixed and ambiguous conclusion. That storyline ended up being used for Faith's father instead and Kingsly was replaced by his aloof son, a much more sympathetic character. Speaking of the boy, there were originally plans for him to become a witch at the end of the questline, but those were dropped as there wast really any justification for it. I also pondered on wether to make him a transwoman since the area story has a big focus on gender and some of the witches, especially his sister and megan, do end up coming off as kind of terfy, but i eventually decided that these were not really the circumstances to explore it. I wouldn't mind if some headcanon that he did go through that character growth after the story through. Anyway, that should be all for now. It was really nice to share all the discarded ideas that couldn`t make their way into the game. So to finish thing off, here some pictures of all the enemies and areas that did end up making it into the game.

Well, i hope you all enjoyed this retrospective. Now i`ll get back to procrastinating. To be continued: whenever i actually get done with the next game.

[a1t-alt]

LONG PERSONAL POST - BG3 AND HOW I PLAY IT (SPOILERS /gen)

Hi okay so I'm fucking insane and I NEED to tell SOMEONE because I'm being bullied to hell (deserved) by my close friends over this- I am an incredibly slow gamer and I’m very particular about how I play. Save scumming? I don’t know what you mean. Romancing literally anyone that isn't Astarion? I'm pretty sure that isn't real but a lie made up by Larian Studios to convince more people to play the game (/j). It's literally the only thing I play ever anymore.. besides Minecraft, but I digress.

I got BG3 in the middle of September (2023) through game share, and started by playing with my brother and his boyfriend with mods! I didn't get to play much of that character, but that's not the point okay. Okay the point is- a few things actually. Let me start with- 

My first time playing BG3 was modded. I played MAYBE 3 hours on that character. They were gorgeous and unfortunately they no longer exist. I spent more than half of that time making them. They were a dragonborn and I don't remember for certain? But I Think they were just a Tav, not Durge. Unfortunately their name is also lost to the cosmos :( Here are a couple of the very few pictures I have of them!

I made a few characters at first, let's say like.. 5? Two were Durge, the others Tavs. 3 of those 5 got maybe a maximum of 6 hours each, never made it into the Emerald Grove. I think.. I'm pretty sure all but 1 went through the ruins and got Withers. The 4th one, my main and New Very Cool And Awesome Black Dragonborn Barbarian Durge™ got up to!! I believe it was up to 38 hours? I had done only a few things though! I had taken care of Kagha (no kill, I convinced her to not side with the shadow druids, she didn't hurt Arabella), I had gone through and done pretty much everything in the Emerald Grove? I saved Mirkon, I saved Arabella, I played it up with Volo, I killed the squirrel, I saved the tiefling from being assassinated and got a coin out of it (sick, was completely unintentional, I didn't like her much), bought stuff from the kids and all kinds of other things- you get it. I had gone through the blighted village, went through Waukeen’s Rest (but idk if I saw the Zhentarim with this character), killed the big spider, looted so many things, killed Ethal, revived Mayrina’s husband, found infernal iron, saved Karlach after save scumming her death and getting the fire armour for Wyll but it's okay because she was Fine After- *gasp* I got her engine upgraded once, and the very very last things I did was defeat the gobbo camp then kill Minthara and Dror Ragzlin (and Gut ofc, but I killed her first). I was in the middle of the party with the tieflings! I saved before anything happened, so I didn't see the fun stuff, but uh.. yeah, I ended up resetting my game, deleting all my mods and such to play with my partner. So went the days with my darling Melaqyn :’))) I miss them all of the everyday actually. Unfortunately I can't find any pictures of them :(( so here's some pictures of another of my early dragonborns, Sesaphael (name graciously yoinked from my partner's OC).

After I lost Melaqyn (which if I'm honest, I didn't actually lose them. I just didn't have the mods anymore and really didn't want to corrupt the file) I ended up making a few random characters- by a few I mean.. like 10, but only 2 or 3 survived. I made a couple also for playing with people, which were based on my own characters, so they were a little bit special? I started a game with a DND character I had made a year or two ago, who has the Haunted One background lmao- their name is Skulk- I'd show pictures but I'm really not that proud of how they look anymore >< I kinda floated for a bit in between games- I was playing all the time, but never settling- I was genuinely mourning Melaqyn.

Determined to get back on my feet with a character for real, I made a tiefling, named them “Ammarir”. They were supposed to look a bit like me, sort of like playing myself? Just a Tav though, which I regret to be honest but! There's always more time- I've been playing Ammarir since October 4th! They’re vanilla, so it was nice to not have to worry about corrupting their file. I started playing them slow at first, in between other campaigns, but I did keep coming back to them. Here are some early game pictures!

I was very quickly falling in love with them, and as soon as the mirror got added holy SHIT- I'VE CHANGED THEIR APPEARANCE SO MUCH OVER TIME NOW- Here are a couple early pictures from right after the mirror was introduced!

As I've made progress in the storyline with them, I've been having vitiligo spread slowly over their body- they don't have it here but will in upcoming pictures. I played and played and played and I'd done a ton of completionist type shit with their campaign (futile I know) until I finally got to the same amount of hours. It was insane, I wasn't as far into the game as I was with Melaqyn- I hadn't even made it to the gobbo camp yet. It took me 47 hours to make it there, and I knew this time around that Minthara was a companion. However, I did kill her, and I did keep her body in my camp, and It Is Still in my traveller's chest. 

I started getting anxious about playing, about the idea of making progress, of missing anything, of saying something wrong or fighting when I shouldn't have. I didn't want to look anything up because I wanted it to be fun and a surprise.. but I also made myself look things up because I couldn't handle the thought of getting things wrong. I had heard Astarion was hard to romance, so I used a guide for So Many interactions, with him and with him around. He's been a permanent party member (save for when I'm working on the others and have to trade people out for a moment, but even then I usually keep him in the party). Pictures from before the party! (They're taken a small time apart, and I only know because you can't see vitiligo on the first one.)

The prospect of playing the game became so daunting, I ended up spending a lot of time just mucking about and sorting my inventory and collecting items and finding nothingness so I didn't have to move on. I finally got a push from my partner to talk with Zevlor about the party, and we did it! And it was awesome! And Astarion was very pleased with me! Alfira was there! I really liked the party. Even after that though, I didn't really.. move on. I ended up going through the underdark and at ~70 hours, I finished everything down there, everything else in the main Act 1 space, and finally ventured to the crèche. I didn't spend a lot of time there to be honest, jumping back and forth between it and the Emerald Grove to sell things, buy things, the likes. I managed to sneak out the back of the crèche and not fight anyone (except the guys waiting in the room where Vlakith was) so I moved on and got out of there because those guys are tough, and I'm not good at combat lmao. I made a lot of changes between the tiefling party and just after the crèche, so here's a little run down! (Gotta love the zaith'isk)

I've only recently made it into Act 2, early December I think. I've hardly done anything as far as I know. I saved Isobel (reloaded a couple times bc I am NOT hurting Dammon <3), talked to He-Who-Was (I've not done his quest yet but I agreed to), I've taken care of the tollhouse (literally like not even a week ago), spoke with Raphael in the Inn, as well as now just past the House of Healing, I did some dark justiciar stuff with Shart, killed Kar'niss (sadge u-u), saved Arabella again, a couple other things I'm sure and I'm currently going through the House of Healing-

Real quick I want to add- I had a few weeks where I couldn't bring myself to play Ammarir. I didn't (and still don't) know what lies ahead in the story and I just. Couldn't. I decided one night, a week or two ago now, that I want mods again. Mostly just visual stuff, I love the customization in this game, and I wanted a little more freedom. I also discovered the beautiful basket full of equipment mod and I've been very much enjoying the sick as fuck armour B) I didn't want to load up their game at first, since I made them to be! A vanilla campaign! But I thought.. “I'm not having fun and this feels like a chore. We can play with the mods and see how it goes!” And holy SHIT I've been having so much more fun :’)

As of writing this, I'm at 114+ hours on Ammarir's playthrough. I've had the scenes with Gale and Wyll, didn't uhh.. I wasn't interested in Gale (but I'd be lying if I said I didn't go through with it and reload-) but I went through with the kiss with Wyll! Which finally sparked the single neuron that's still alive in Astarion's soiled pants (/a) of a brain to bring up the nature of our relationship. Here's some pictures from some of my most recent gameplay (in order of oldest to newest, over the span of like 9 days).

This all got away from me- I really did just mean to say that I am a very slow player. My brother’s boyfriend has beaten the game, got farther than I am in less than 24 hours which is insane to me. I suppose now at the bottom of this all, I should tell you how many hours I have in the game in total. Mind you, where Ammarir is now, is as far as I've seen the game.

(Everything prior to this text was written on January 21st, 2024. The latter has written on February 12th, 2024)

Having mistakenly left this to simmer a little too long, I now have 431.2 hours in the game. Ammarir is now in early Act 3, with 158+ hours, and boy do I have some things to add since I wrote all of that.

Picking up where I left off, I did most everything in Act 2! I’ve realised that in doing the Last Light Inn quest things early in Act 2, I missed some interactions :( One, I didn’t get to play chess with Mol and Raphael (I actually don’t know what happens in that interaction at all- I haven’t seen it anywhere and I don’t really want to seek it out. I’ll see it eventually). Two, I think I spoke to Rolan at Last Light about his siblings, but I never saw him again after that. I didn’t know I should’ve looked for him until after I did the Nightsong quest. He wasn’t where he was supposed to be, and I had a broken quest which sucks, but it’s okay.

I saved all the tiefs and dwarves from Moonlight Towers- but let me go back a little. I did pretty much every single thing possible in the Shadow Cursed Lands, and! I went back to the Creche and destroyed everyone (bc I’m a loot goblin and I couldn’t leave all those goodies behind ToT). With the Creche cleared out, I sort of just went between the Emerald Grove, Last Light Inn and the Thorm family businesses™ for a handful of reasons. 

There were two things in particular that I really wanted to do with Ammarir’s playthrough, which were collecting every single skull and head I could get my hands on, and unlocking every edge of the map, everywhere I went. I’m sure I’ve missed many a head, and some spots on the maps were impossible to get to, but I’ve done my best.

It’s been a minute since I’ve added pictures, and my babe changed a lot through the Shadow Cursed Lands, so here’s a few pics!

By this point I’d finished everything in Moonrise and got myself prepared for Act 3- well sort of. I knew that I was reaching the end of Act 2, but I didn’t know anything about the transition in between? So I was wrapping all of my quests up, trying to find Rolan, looking for anything I could- realising too late that I didn’t and couldn’t bring my brain jars from the Nautiloid into Moonrise with me- after killing Ketherik. But it’s okay, I have them both neatly set aside on another campaign. Anyhow, I saved Dame Aylin, and she and Isobel are in my camp now, happily by one another’s side again. Shart has her snowy hair, and a very pretty white and gold makeup look to match, and I went to the road to Baldur’s Gate.

In camp, I was going through some of the clothes I had picked up- found a pair of pants, that are just.. pants? No shirt? I thought it would be funny if I had Ammarir wear those as camp clothes and uh.. Immediately went into the cutscene to start Act 3 ToT. So I have some pictures of them just.. topless, looking out over the city. I reloaded, changed them into something more comfortable and appropriate, and went through the cutscene again. These are pictures from leaving the Shadow Cursed Lands, entering the Act 3 intro, and the beginning of the scene in the Astral Prism.

I had no idea what to expect!! I didn’t know that Gith came after us at camp, I didn’t know that I had to go into the prism and fight, I didn’t know that I was going to meet The Emperor yet! It had been kind of a long fucking time since the last time I saw my gaurdian, so I genuinely wasn’t sure when it was going to happen. I did figure out that my guardian was The Emperor early on in playing the game- not entirely spoiled for me by stuff online or by friends, but genuinely just.. Finding out that The Emperor exists in the Astral Plane kind of tickled my brain an odd way lmao.

Now, I had been waiting a long, long time for this event- I knew nothing about how it happened, but talking with The Emperor and getting the astral-touched parasite was something I was Very Excited to have happen. I didn’t know it happened at the beginning of Act 3- though I didn’t know when it was going to happen at all, so it’s not saying much to be honest. Like I said, I was waiting for this, and I very graciously accepted this gift. Quite hastily perhaps even- when I started Ammarir’s game, I had no intention of using the Mindflayer abilities At All! But how could I turn down the offer? I’d begun using the abilities rather frequently by the time I entered Act 2, and by the end I was pretty juiced up on worms frankly. Here’s Ammarir after using the parasite!

I wasn’t alone in my venture either, I wanted to share this with my companions- of course- but I wasn’t going to Make Anyone do something they didn’t want to do. I spoke with Astarion first, considering he and Ammarir are together, what he thought. He was heavily against it for himself, and y’know what? Fair! I don’t plan on having him “evolve” at all, not past normal parasites. Gale I spoke to and he wasn’t opposed, but wasn’t for it. I convinced him pretty easy peasy and now he’s joined in on the fun! Skipping to Lae’zel, I did convince her to use the astral-touched parasite as well, and I’m not even a little sorry. She looks fucking awesome, and she’s so powerful TwT Gonna put just a couple pics of them in here, as a treat~ (before And after)

Considering I didn't evolve Astarion and don't plan to, I wasn't planning on posting pictures of him here- and I've reached my image limit, or I would 10000% show him here. Unfortunately though, I can't, but if anyone wants to see him, I'll post some pictures of him and Ammarir separately <3

As of writing this, I’ve not gotten very far into Act 3. In Rivington now- donated to the Flaming Fist for the refugees, spoken to a handful of folks around, was granted access to the circus (but I’ve not gone in yet) and I traded with the shady fucker who trades “antiques”. I’ve also run into Orin! The blacksmith’s shop is really cute, I’m absolutely in love with Exxvikyap 🥺 Seeing all the Baldurians who absentmindedly look up to Gortash is giving me whiplash (I’ve hated the guy since BEFORE I started playing ToT Fuck him).

Anyway, I could go on and on and on forever, but I think.. I think I will finish this off here, for now. If I end up updating this in the future, I’ll be more timely about it- After all, I did just pick up a Durge OC campaign that I’ve been wanting to do for months.

[moon-ruled-rising]

as the rain hides the stars | xv

read it on ao3...

where to begin?

Babe, there’s something wretched about this,

something so precious about this,

where to begin?

Babe, there’s something broken about this,

but I might be hoping about this.

Oh, what a sin.

-Hozier, “From Eden”

“I’m sure Rhaenys will be fine, it’s Aegon I’m worried about. He’s a little chatterbox.”

The bits of dialogue between Dany and her conference call reached Jon’s ears as he stared out the window and watched the countryside slip past. They were on their way to another Northern landmark, just the two of them. Their Majesties thought it was a good way for the public to see them acting like a real couple, even though it was far from the truth.

Despite the impending publicity stunt, Dany was seemingly playful. After a week of wedding planning she was probably ecstatic to get away from it all. And understandably so. He attended a few of the planning sessions, specifically the cake tasting and menu planning. Dany surprised him by taking his opinions into consideration and even Catelyn appeared to tolerate his presence. 

They also had their first dance lesson which only reinforced the fact that Jon had two left feet. Luckily, it wasn't a standard ballroom dance so they were both spared any crushed toes. Although there were a few instances of hands missing their mark and ending up in the other’s face. They could hardly look at each other the next day without cracked smiles and stifled laughter. Much to the dismay of the Great Wedding Committee who wanted to discuss stationary and rings. 

Jon felt guilty after that particular meeting. Even though they were discussing wedding rings, he realized he’d never given Dany a proper engagement ring. She’d taken to wearing a ring of her mother’s on her finger so no one would get suspicious about the lack of a real proposal. Dany said people wouldn’t question the legitimacy of their engagement if a ring was involved. So Jon employed the help of Arya and Sansa, who were both detrimental in getting Dany’s ring size on the sly and helping him choose from the modest selection of jewels. They found a perfect choice after an hour of looking, it didn’t even need to be reset. He would’ve given it to her there in the car but it wouldn’t matter. The weather took a nasty dip and it was always cold on the wall so they would be wearing light gloves.

“Oh, thank the Gods!” Dany cried, breaking Jon from his reverie.

“Finally done?”

“Deadzone.” she let her phone fall dramatically onto the seat between them and leaned her head on the window.

Jon chuckled. They had crossed into the Gift, a swath of land set aside for the Night’s Watch specifically and notorious for its spotty reception. In another hour they would be at Castle Black. He would by lying if he said he wasn’t anxious to be back. The reminder of the incident and his subsequent indefinite leave were still fresh in his mind.

Even though he trained and studied like the other recruits, he was never meant to be a ranger. The job was too dangerous for the Prince of the North so Lord Commander Mormont requested Jon be his personal steward. While he still craved the adventure of the rangings, he was willing to concede. However, there was one time he’d gotten a taste of what he could’ve had if he weren’t so damned important.

Shadow Unit was down a man and with no reports of wildling activity in the area, they let Jon ride out with them. The route they patrolled was clear with no sign of any wildling activity. That was how it usually went. In his four years at the Wall the only times there were actually run ins with the tribes that lived there got too close or Mormont sent the ranging parties further north.

The clear mile between the forest edge and the Wall was in their sights, bringing with it the promise of warmth and rest. The night was still and unnaturally dark and cold, the men in the unit were just as wary of the atmosphere as their mounts. The Haunted Forest was overgrown and wild, making it impossible for bulky vehicles to navigate. And going on foot was worse for obvious reasons so the Watch kept horses. 

A rustling in the trees brought their procession to a halt. With no wind to shake the branches, Jon knew at once that they shouldn’t have stopped. One of the men went to radio in  the activity when dark shapes descended on the front and rear and chaos ensued. Their formation broke into a mess of nervous horses and shouting men. On the narrow trail there was no way to break through, they were fish in a barrel. 

Somehow, in the darkness and confusion, Jon was tossed from his saddle. He landed on the frozen ground and avoided being trampled by his own horse. With no cover and no clear way out, Jon ducked into the trees. He managed to conceal himself and was about to try to contact Castle Black when he was tackled, his radio skidding across the snow and out of his reach. He managed to get his forearms between the attacker and his face but not before his crude knife slashed at his eye. 

The shout that left Jon filled the still forest as he forced his assailant off. Jon flipped himself over and tried to crawl to his radio. A searing, fire erupted in his leg and he knew he was a victim to the primitive tool his attacker had. As though it was second nature, Jon drew his gun and aimed. 

Even in the dark, he could feel the eyes of his opponent. Jon realized there was a human staring down the barrel of his gun. It was a brief thought, fleeting. Neither of them moved. There was no time to overthink it and without any more consideration, Jon pulled the trigger. 

He wasn’t shaking like he hoped he would. His breath was even and the pain from his eye and leg was dull but the sensation was growing. But as he laid there in the snow he contemplated what would come next.

The afternoon brought a meeting with Lord Commander Mormont. He wasn’t in command of Shadow Unit, nor was he leading the ranging so Jon had no idea why the Lord Commander would want to talk with him about the incident. At least that’s what he told himself to keep the dreading feeling away. Mormont was going to tell him his time with the Night’s Watch was over and he was going back to Winterfell.

“You wished to see me, Lord Commander?” Jon asked as he stepped through the door.

“Have a seat Jon.”

He didn’t want to. He wanted to be ready to leave the moment the Old Bear said the words but the ache in his leg was still too bothersome to ignore.

“I’m sure you know that your father was alerted about the attack last night. Once he heard of your involvement and subsequent injury he commanded that you be placed on leave indefinitely and sent back to Winterfell.”

There it was. “What did you say to him?”

Mormont sighed, “I tried to convince him to let you stay but my explanation of the events did little to sway him.”

“I can’t go back there.” Jon shook his head.

He knew he would return eventually but he hadn’t planned on it being so soon.

“Neither of us have much choice in the matter,” the Old Bear reminded him, “We must all answer to the crown.”

At court, he felt like everything was handed to him. Even his claim to the throne was presented like a gift on his name day. While any other man would’ve taken advantage of it, Jon came to resent it. He found it to be one of the many reasons for the disdain surrounding him. It didn’t help that bastards were considered treacherous, even a legitimized one.

Serving with the Night’s Watch gave him the chance to earn something. Even if it was the least exciting of the positions, he put in the time and effort to achieve it. Hearing his name called and reciting the word beneath the grove of heart trees was the most gratifying experience. 

Jon found himself in much the same position again, though this time it was a woman the Crown placed into his life. Like an invitation for a week-long hunting trip on Bear Island only significantly more permanent and harder to refuse. And they were both real people with their own wants and needs but some selfish pricks higher than them decided that none of that mattered; reducing him and Dany to mere pawns in the ever evolving game.

The view outside the window changed with the first signs of Mole’s Town, several roofs and chimney stacks sticking out of the ground. To help protect against the cold homes were built underground and the public buildings were connected by tunnels. In more recent years, people began constructing their houses into the sides of man made hills. It seemed the only structure to be seen from the road was Castle Black, standing stoic and dark against the gleaming ice of the Wall.

Once a simple fortification of towers and scattered rooms, the years saw it transform from ancient keep to proper military base. Not that there was a great war to be expected from the folk beyond the wall, Castle Black was really a form of discouragement from trying to sneak through the wall.

“Seven hells,” Dany muttered as they passed through the gates, “That is a lot of ice.”

“Wait until you see the view from the top,” Jon said.

“We’re actually going up there?”

“Of course. Wouldn’t be a trip to the Wall without it.”

There was a media frenzy in the courtyard. As part of the agreement between the press and the Royal Family, Jon and Dany would give them enough time for a photo op as they were greeted by the Lord Commander and then they expected peace and quiet for the day and a half they were there. 

Jon was surprised they were willing to accept such a quick and easy deal since it was the first public sighting of the newly engaged royals. A pair who were supposedly so in love, they decided they wanted to spend the rest of their lives together in the span of a week. Luckily, decorum helped them avoid any public displays of affection and bed sharing as their accommodations provided two separate rooms.

Brother’s of the Night’s Watch paused along the walkways to view the flashing cameras and the two people all the fuss was over. Jon didn’t recognize any of the faces. He doubted he would, a lot could change in two years. He at least expected to see Edd Tollett walking alongside the Lord Commander, complaining Mormont’s ear off. But the Lord Commander arrived alone, dressed in the ceremonial blacks with the bear of Mormont set among the various pins and medals.

“Your Highnesses, it is an honor to have you at Castle Black.”

The camera flashes increased as Jon shook Mormont’s hand and they posed for a good minute afterward, smiling and acting gracious. The press was ushered out of the courtyard and Mormont dropped the pretense.

“So, this is the young lady you’ve decided to spend the rest of your life with?” Mormont sizing up Dany, “A spectacular choice.”

Jon saw her smug smile. When she noticed he was looking at her, she nudged him with her shoulder.

The loud, high-spirited sounds that accompanied a returning patrol unit drew his attention away. Ghost Unit, he could tell. The two friends he made in his time at the wall, Grenn and Pyp, were in that group. 

“Well if it isn’t Lord Snow!” one of them called.

He shook his head. The nickname was meant as a mean tease and it stuck. Jon should’ve corrected them, reminded the men that he deserved the respect of his rank, but it brought back a wave of nostalgia he was grateful for.

“Aurochs and Pyp-squeak,” he greeted in the same mocking tone.

“We were about to head to Tormund’s if you wanted to join us,” offered Grenn, clapping Jon on the back.

“The lady can come too.”

Pyp nodded toward Dany, who stood by Jon’s side.

She laughed, “I would love to but one of us should stay for the tour from the Lord Commander.”

“You don’t mind if I go?”

“Of course not. You’ve probably seen enough of the place anyway.”

Jon thanked her, which she waved off in her casual way before leaving with Mormont.

Tormund’s little pub was one of the busiest attractions in the underground village of Mole’s Town. The atmosphere was humid and hot with all the bodies stuffed in the small space. When Jon inquired about the increase in people, his brothers laughed.

“It’s because of you and your sweetheart. As soon as news broke about your visit up here they all decided to make a weekend trip just to catch sight of you two.” Grenn informed. 

Jon noticed there were quite a few people wandering around up top. They were probably hoping to get close enough to the base but would have to wait until the photos were released. For once the strict policy on royal/press policy. 

The group found an empty table somewhere, Edd ended up joining them later. He wished he could enjoy their company like he used to but they kept asking him about the wedding and Dany and he found himself dodging questions, unable to relax.

“Can I come to the wedding?”

“You can come to the reception.”

“What if I’m your supporter?”

“Robb’s already got the job, Pyp.”

“Okay but what if-”

“If you don’t shut up I’m going to throttle you,” Edd threatened, as tired of the wedding talk as Jon was.

He managed to flip the conversation back to them by asking Grenn about his possible promotion. Grenn launched into a long winded rant, with added talking points by Pyp, about the placement of new recruits and new training requirements. All was going well until Tormund found out they were at his establishment.

Jon heard his warhorn of a voice call ‘Crow!’ from across the packed room. There was more grey in his orange hair than Jon remembered but that didn’t stop him from plucking the Prince out of his seat and nearly crushing him in a hug.

“I thought I’d seen the last of you when they shipped you back south. What the hells are you doing up here?”

“He and his fiancée are here to see the wall.”

“Fiancée? Well, what are you waiting for crow, show me a picture of this special woman,” Tormund demanded.

Jon pulled out his phone to find a picture of Dany and realized that he had none on his camera roll. He tried to search the internet for one but Tormund spotted him.

“You don’t have a picture of her in your phone?”

“They’ve only known each other a week,” Pyp chimed in.

“A week? Gods you work fast,” echoed Tormund in disbelief.

“It’s a long story that I’d rather not get into,” he tried to defend.

He wasn’t allowed to reveal the exact nature of his and Dany’s relationship, no matter how far-fetched it seemed to other people.

Edd broke in with, “I think we know why Lord Snow fell so fast.”

The tone in his voice reminded Jon of someone who was about to tell a bad joke. When he gave Edd a questioning look, he shrugged.

“When we found out who you were engaged to we did some digging.”

“The deep web is a wonderful, wonderful place,” came Pyp’s addition.

“The situation is much more complicated than that.”

Jon tried to sit down but Tormund pulled him back up and threw an arm around his shoulders.

“At least he’s found himself a girl to share his time with. Unlike the lot of you, sitting in my pub every weekend in the same spot and leaving together. If I didn’t know any better I’d say you’re more like to warm each other’s beds.”

Groans and protests went up from the group, mostly accusing Tormund of similar bachelor behavior. Jon patted Tormund’s shoulder, relieved that the conversation was off of him. 

When he returned to Castle Black with Grenn and Pyp, the sun had dipped below the wall, the sky making it’s nightly shift from orange to pink to purple to black and casting the southern half of the wall in shadow. The breeze had a harsher bite to it and Jon shoved his hands in the pockets of his coat. His gloved fingers brushed against something small and odd shaped. The ring. He’d almost forgotten about it.

In a streak of luck, Dany was crossing the courtyard with the Lord Commander. He called out to her and she stopped to look at him.

“We were about to go up top,” she said, “Everyone says now is the best time.”

Jon doubted it. The air would be colder and the wind rougher but there was something he needed to do.

“I can take you up.”

“Are you sure? Lord Commander Mormont said he would do it.”

“I’m sure.”

The Old Bear backed off and let Jon take Dany’s arm.

Despite the creaking and rattling from the winch, it was an unbearably silent ride. One that left Jon with nothing to do but fiddle with the piece of jewelry in his pocket and watch Dany readjust her scarf from the millionth time.

No matter how much he’d seen it during his four years at the Wall, the view from the top still impressed him, especially then. The horizon burned orange, lighting the soft clouds yellow and making the purple-blue of the sky look electric. The light reflected off the trees and light snow of the lands beyond the wall.

“The Lord Commander told me there are still people who live out there. What will they do when winter comes?”

“They’ve survived the cold and snow for thousands of years, they can handle one more.”

Silence settled between them again. 

“You were right. It is beautiful.”

Dany tucked her chin into her scarf as the wind picked up, swirling her loose hair around. She gathered it in her hands and wrestled it under her scarf. A few pieces managed to escape and as she turned to look at him they brushed across her face. Her cheeks and nose were pink from the cold and her eyes were starting to water. Jon lost his nerve.

It was too romantic, he decided. There was nothing he wanted less than to seem like he was trying to woo her. Not to mention with their security officers present and the possibility of a watchman passing by, it was too public. 

“We should head back down,” he offered.

She agreed and they descended, heading directly for their guest quarters. The pair of bedrooms with a common space between was fully furnished and  a welcome retreat from the oncoming cold. There was even a fire burning in the fireplace. Castle Black had a modern furnace system but nothing truly beat the cold like a roaring fire.

They parted to peel off their outerwear and change. Jon waited a good few minutes, sitting on the edge of the bed, examining the ring and trying to get his nerve back. He finally stood, walked into the living space and said, “Hey Dany, can you come here for a second.”

She appeared in the doorway. An oversized brown flannel hung from her shoulders, dwarfing her small frame, and she wore a pair of hot pink fuzzy socks on her feet.

“Is everything alright?” she asked, heading straight for the sofa in front of the fire.

Dany pulled her legs up beside her and twisted so she could see him. Her hair had a frizz to it, he noted. The light from behind caught in it, surrounding her make-up free face in a halo of gold.

“Yes,” he answered without thinking, “I mean, no… Yes and no.”

Her eyebrows raised as she eyed him. 

Jon moved to sit on the sofa with her, “When we talked about wedding rings this week, I realized that I forgot an important part of engagements.”

He realized the error he’d made in waiting until then. While the scene on the Wall was romantic in a trope riddled teen romance movie way, the low light and Jon and Dany in their sleepwear was much more intimate. And Jon cursed himself for it.

“Uh, it’s fine? I’m not really sure which part of the engagement you’re referring to.”

“That would be the proposal. I mean, you deserve a real one.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Well, that’s a shame because I have this…” Jon held the ring up.

“Oh, I’m fine with the one I’ve been wearing. You didn’t have to-”

“I know.” Without another moment’s hesitation he continued, “Daenerys Stormborn the First of House Targaryen, Princess Royal of the United Kingdoms of Westeros and Lady of Dragonstone, will you do me the honor of marrying me?”

A laugh escaped her, good natured and light, “I thought you’d never ask.”

“Considering the wedding is in three weeks, I figured I’d better squeeze it in at some point.”

“Talisa was right, you are such a sap.”

“If that’s the case, I’ll be taking this back.” he started to put the ring back in his pocket but Dany reached for it.

“No, no, no, you proposed and I said yes, the ring is a fair exchange.”

She still had on her mother’s ring, so she took it off and put it on her other hand.

“Here,” Jon offered, taking her hand and sliding the real engagement ring onto her finger.

It wasn’t anything extravagant or glamorous, a simple kite shaped diamond with flecks through it (something Sansa called a ‘salt-and-pepper diamond’) set in silver. The shape reminded Jon of the tiara Dany wore to the charity gala, as well as the dragon sigil of her House.

“It’s a beautiful ring,” she said with a soft smile, still twisting and turning her hand to watch it catch the light.

“It was my Aunt Lyanna’s.”

“What happened to her?”

“She renounced her title. After Uncle Brandon died the succession skipped to my father. She was never meant for the princess life anyway, it was too stifling for her.”

“Where is she now?”

“We don’t know. Sansa thinks she fell in love with a Myrish merchant and took off to be with him in Essos.”

Dany’s face took on a thoughtful look, she dropped her hand to her lap and looked to the flames.

“I was engaged once.”

“Really?” 

Jon was shocked. As far as he was concerned, Dany had never been in a serious relationship. She just flitted from one man to another.

“I was fresh off my first semester of university and it was my first time in Meereen. The Grand Masters invited me to a gala of theirs and the Dothraki Khal happened to be there. We hit it off right away, although he didn’t speak a word of the common tongue except ‘no’. Ser Jorah had to translate everything.

“When I returned to Meereen the next summer, he invited me to Vaes Dothrak and I spent more time with him than I should have. It wasn’t a proper proposal, there was nothing planned about it. No ring, no kneeling, no pretty words. It was spur of the moment and I said yes.”

“What happened?”

“Rhaegar found out. I haven’t seen or heard from Drogo since, unless you count that tell-all article.”

“I’m very sorry.”

She looked, eyebrows furrowed.

“Why? It wasn’t your fault, it wasn’t anybody’s fault but my own.” There was bitterness to her voice.

“I guess I… have sympathy for you,” Jon admitted.

“Well thank you for that. And for the ring.”

She paused, like she was contemplating something more, then got up and disappeared into her room. Jon gazed at the closed door. He sighed and departed for his own bed.

[toledoendo]

Resetting the Bone- Part Four

Trigger warnings: self-harm, anxiety, shame

The outing happened just like it was planned. The lemon grove was quiet and fragrant. Peter climbed into the tree and tossed down lemon after lemon for Morgan. She was in bliss. Seeing her laugh made him feel lighter. With a quick look back toward the grove’s entrance, Peter webbed two sides of a large basket sitting by the trunk of the tree he had climbed.

Morgan instantly recognized this game. She giggled and scrunched up her nose in glee. He had made her web swings everywhere— the trees at home, the porch, and her room on rainy days. “Happy, push me!” She scrambled in the basket.

Happy tossed up a fretful glower at Peter. His eyebrows seemed to demand, Are you serious? What if someone sees? But, he moved toward the basket where Morgan was asking him to hurry.

Peter’s grin answered back, You worry too much. He pulled the basket up until it was a couple feet from the ground. The strain on his left arm’s muscles caused it to burn. He felt one of the plasters pop slightly. Peter ignored it. He hitched the two web ropes to the branch.

Happy began to push the basket. Morgan smiled. “Push me so I can touch the leaves!”

“How about just a normal height?” Happy tried to reason.

Peter used this moment to breathe. He dropped from the branch, on the other side of the trunk from Morgan and Happy then sat down on his ankles. A sting to the top of his thigh reminded him that he had brought a blade; it was in his pocket.

It was a refill razor for a multi-purpose tool. In a panic, after he handed over his knife to Tony, Peter had snuck into Tony’s workshop. He took the tool apart and pocketed the blade. He just wanted to have it with him; he wouldn’t use it, he told himself.

They ate lunch in the grass, Happy grumbling about his knees. Their heaping baskets were beside them. Happy suggested only taking one enormous basket home for lemonade but Morgan had definitely inherited Tony’s extravagance. She had a plan for a lemonade empire, apparently. The trunk on the way home was weighed down by 50 lbs of lemons.

Back at the lakehouse, Tony managed to steer the kids away from the kitchen. “You’re never going to believe what’s outside in our yard.” He hooked Morgan instantly. Peter followed as Tony led them around the side of the house. He revealed the lemonade stand he’d built. It was gorgeous and just needed a paint job. Morgan eagerly set to work. Peter assumed that Pepper was cutting the lemons while they were occupied.

“What colors are you thinking, boss?” Tony asked Morgan.

“Mommy Blue,” Morgan began to list colors by the names she’d had for them since she was younger. “Daddy Gold, and Peter Red.”

Peter smiled. He didn’t know she still called them that. Morgan had associated colors with the people in her life when she was learning them as a toddler. Somehow, years later, when Peter entered her life, she revived those names and gave him the color red. He had a place with her; she wanted him to belong.

Heading the old name, Peter again felt dear to his little sister.

Eventually, colors had dropped the assignments she’d given them. For example, “Uncle Rhodey Purple” had become just “purple” (much to Uncle Rhodey’s disappointment, despite that he’d always encouraged silver as an alternative.) “Uncle Bruce Green” became just “green” (much to Uncle Bruce’s relief.) But blue, red, and gold still belonged to her mommy, daddy, and to him.

“Order received,” Tony said, turning toward the garage. He murmured to Peter as he left, “Gonna be a hell of a lemonade stand.”

“Where do you think she gets it?” Peter grinned.

It was truly a hell of a lemonade stand. Tony had to return to the garage after Morgan schooled him on the difference between gold and yellow. Morgan asked Peter a million questions as they painted. “Does Ned still build LEGO models? Would he come with you next time and could you help me with my Minecraft world? I got the Ocean Hideout. Daddy said if he stepped on another LEGO brick he wouldn’t build them anymore… Is Aunt May’s new magazine about architecture or technology or business or… fashion? Does she have all the same writers or new ones each time? Who draws the pictures for her magazine? In college, do you have music class? I have music class. It’s my favorite other than Math and recess.”

Peter realized this was the most uninterrupted time he had given her in two months. He worked to answer all of her questions without exasperation. He didn’t want her to give up on him.

When the first coat was done, Pepper called from the porch. It was time to start squeezing the lemons. Morgan quickly abandoned the paintbrush.

“Come on, Pete!” She said.

Honestly, Peter was ready for a break. Her energy could be tiring as well as infectious, he’d long since discovered. “I’ll finish painting the stand and be right in,” he said.

Pepper swept Morgan inside before sending him an encouraging look. She was saying he should take his time. Then they were gone.

The breeze picked up, and though it wasn’t as present as it had been in the grove with the well-trimmed lines of lemon trees, Peter welcomed every touch. It faintly reminded him of coursing through currents of air, a living physics puzzle in his head, as he threw his entire body into surviving each swing or dive through Queens. He missed being Spider-Man in that moment.

Then he remembered the faces of people who had clung to him, reached for him, relied on him. Faces in the dark, faces in the smoke of burning buildings, faces hiding behind abusers. He was ignoring them. His lungs seemed to shrink. I’m not helping anybody, he remembered.

The faces were with him when he was fifteen. More and more walled him in every night. He didn’t want to scare May with them. Mr. Stark, although he had begun to check in more often after The Vulture, would only think less of him if he talked about all this… fear.

At first he tried to push away the faces; the pressure of their states as too much. He was burgeoning with it. It tested and stretched the boundaries of his skin until he had to let it escape. He sure the hell couldn’t escape it. So, he hid and let his secrets out in little punishments across his body.

Here he was with his teenage fear again. I should be able to handle this shit by now. Peter agonized. The faces found him again and he didn’t have anything for them. He tried to hide, cowering deeper into himself. He couldn’t imagine getting back to the place where he could face the responsibility again.

Out in the yard, a little farther away, Peter heard Tony humming. Peter scoffed and smiled. Tony didn’t hum. May hummed, sang — he loved catching her singing “Here Comes the Sun” which was her favorite. But, Tony didn’t hum. This was an invitation. Peter surprised himself a little when he stood and walked to Tony.

Tony was bent double, collecting discarded branches from the maples. He straightened when he heard Peter approach. Peter noticed the pained expression on Tony’s face and the muted cracks as his back hoisted his weight. Peter had a feeling reminiscent of seeing Tony‘s grey hair for the first time.

Tony gestured to the lemonade stand. “The stand is coming along. Makes me want to take a hundred pictures and post them on Pinterest. Get the InstaMoms talking.” He tossed the dead branches in the wheelbarrow.

“Why don’t you let me do that for you?” Peter said as if the argument had already started.

Tony snorted. “Oh-ho! Back for round two?”

Every time Peter offered to help Tony with anything around the lakehouse, Tony turned it into a competition. Peter pleaded. “Just let me do something for you. For once!”

Deaf to the plea, Tony marked off some perimeters with the finger of his right hand. “That’s your side, this side is mine.” He challenged Peter. “If you take any sticks from my side, we’re going to have words.”

“Would any of those words be: ‘Thank you for helping while I visit my chiropractor’?”

“Almost definitely not.”

They talked as they worked. Soon the wheelbarrow was full of sticks and the yard was clear. “I accidentally used Morgan’s strawberry toothpaste last night,” Peter said. He shook his head. “I’m never going back to cool mint.”

A few times the flat blade in his pocket poked his thigh and Peter’s thoughts sank. He wished he could dispose of it, lose it on the ground, but he bit back the thought. Tony spoke to him and he laughed; how could this feel so natural?

“Pepper cut me off of the bubble gum mouthwash.” Tony said. “The older you get, the more people expect you to suffer.”

Morgan bounded out of the back door. Immediately, she squealed. “Are we going to have a campfire tonight?”

“Oops.” Tony said from one side of his mouth. Then he caught her as she leapt at him. “I don’t know… You’ve already done one fun thing today. We have a one-fun-thing a day limit, you know.”

Morgan dismissed this instantly. “Pete, do you want to have a campfire?”

Peter shrugged. “I have to catch my bus at 5:00, Mo. Sorry!”

Morgan stared at him, clearly not seeing the problem. “The bus can wait.” She smiled at her problem-solving skills.

“That’s not how busses work, Mo,” Peter said. To divert any more disappointment, he added: “Is it time to make the lemonade?”

Morgan smiled again. “Yep! We squeezed lemon juice from 50 lemons! Now we need sugar and water and mint and ice cubes…”

Peter let Morgan lead him inside. As they went, Tony caught his eye. He mouthed: “Fifty lemons?”

Peter returned his own mimed words: “She is your daughter!” before the back porch door closed.