#so i shouldnt feel i can speak to these things

[july-19th-club]

the first time my mother and i ever talked about it was after i tried and more or less failed to attend the calling hours for the mother of a school classmate who’d passed away. it was in ninth grade. and we got into the funeral home and i’d been lucky and never really been in one that i could remember anymore so i had no social script and it didn’t occur to me until we’d left but the thing that was fucking me up the most was the idea that i would have to see and interact with someone i saw every day in normal contexts (gym class, CCD, the bus) in a Grief Context and i didnt know how to be normal with him ever again because there were like, no established ground rules for that that i knew of and at this funeral home i just got. SLAMMED with the most massive and impenetrable wave of nonverbal that i’ve still ever experienced in my life, and i’m in there sweating and shaking and incapable of communicating why i’m being weird when it’s not my relative’s funeral and i basically only knew the woman from church. and mom puts our names in the guest book and gets us back out to the car pretty quickly and once i’ve come down a bit from the Edge Of Meltdown she’s like so i’d been meaning to talk to you about this at some point but it seems relevant now i have suspected for many years that you might be autistic. and at the time it was such a relief to have somebody else say it that i was like oh wow thank god i’m not insane for also thinking that. but in retrospect i’ve always been like, fuck, and you just didn’t mention it? nice nice nice that’s cool that hasn’t affected me you’re good you’re good what the fuck

anyway after that we sought out NO psychologists and did NO accommodations and it was only ever talked about between us as A Thing You And I Both Know but it never factored into all the things i still needed and just about every work-around i have is still something i had to develop myself

[triglycercule]

guys i havent written since may (for killer's birthday) but stupid silly swapinverse has been on my mind for a little bit and i threw together this silly (he has a panic attack and throws up) little short draft 4 swapinverse horror!!

-

“hah… ah… oh god… no, no, nonono…”

he ran. sprinted through the forest like a frightened deer, his demeanor that of prey, although his previous actions aligned more of a predator. panting and shaking, his mind cycled through countless variations of how to react to what just happened, what he just did.

how should he react? how could he react? it was impossible to tell for him in the panicked state. and as the trees in snowdin slowly began to surround him (but weren't they always doing that?), paranoia couldn't run anymore. he was surrounded, he was blocked off, he couldn't escape. not from horrortale, not from snowdin, not from the dusty graveyard he had just left it, and not from the blood smeared across his mouth.

“no, i- what did, what did i do? paps, snowdin, even-undick, no, it-”

paranoia’s incoherent rambles brought his hands to wander across his face, tugging at the massive hole in his skull spanning majority of the left side of his head. picking at the chipped bone didn't help, it never did, but a nervous habit was unbreakable, and he was more than nervous in this moment. in fact, quite terrified. everything was terrifying. he was terrifying. and as the slightest hint of red blood touched his sleeve, the once red, now magenta eye quickly locked onto it, and he couldn't hold it back anymore.

“fuck- oh god, no, aliza-!”

falling to his knees, a disgustingly gorey mess of red, pink, and black spilled from his mouth. sounds of retching and hurling were all that filled the empty forest, and paranoia couldn't bear to look down and see the mess he’d made. the mess he’s caused. wasted food, he would've said. but that statement normally only applied to others. he never imagined using it on himself. choking on his spit and certainly not his blood, tears fell from his eye, joining the vomit and blood seeping into the snow. strange. paranoia didn't think he had enough magic to even shed tears anymore. just for the bare necessities. he managed to surprise even himself, after all this time.

but could it be could be considered surprise, or rather terror? he fit up to his name, certainly horrified at his own actions. forcing out as much of the grossness he could that he’d just consumed, paranoia couldn't help but look down at what he’d done.

red. a lot of red. too much red. he’d never been queasy before, never. he had to adapt to it, being the one to hunt down humans that ran or sneak up on those when times got desperate. there was no time or need to be queasy at what he even considered his job before. a duty he had to do.

but now, there was too much red. far too much red. and he didn't know why, although he totally knew, but paranoia couldn't stomach it. he just threw his guts out (shouldn't they be aliza’s guts, or no?), and here he was, wanting to throw up until his SOUL shattered. his SOUL cycled through those strange 4 shapes, unsure of which to settle on. he couldn't blame it. paranoia himself was unsure of what was even going on anymore. he wanted to run, but was frozen. he wanted to scream, but didn't know who at.

everything was contradicting. everything was going on, and not enough was given for paranoia to understand how to deal with it. and with a muttered curse, he flopped on his side onto the somehow dry snow, losing consciousness in the haze of fear now intermingled with his SOUL.

-

ik theres probably grammar mistakes i wrote this on my phone,,,, but like idk. had idea for a little moment in paranoia's lore and i sure as hell didn't wanna draw it so i wrote it as an easier media! god this is so much easier compared to drawing idk why i dont do this more often (because youre lazy silly!) anyways swapinverse silly i love swapinverse. i've only thrown up like never so i dont know if this works. also never had a panic attack (i think) and AGAIN i dont know if this is accurate but whatever i dont write to be good i write for expressing my ideas. like everything i do

[kimmkitsuragi]

i need to be calm and keep my wonder n excitement alive bc as Things come closer i start to get scared and numb and start fumbling etc... but it's fine it will be fine

[tamagotchikgs]

i try my best not to think of it and i havent in years but the fact the only people who were ever supposed to be my friends irl would always dump their love on me and then to leave me & say they dont like me over and over and over again only so they could watch my reaction n make fun of me together maybe did affect me huh

[sharkneto]

Do u still write tua fics?:)

A guy gets busy for two months and suddenly he doesn't write fics anymore smh...

Jokes aside - yes. I am still writing tua fics. Life's just been busy, and around that I haven't had the energy to use the free time I do have for writing. C'est la vie.

I do get this feels like an uncharacteristic gap - and it is from what I've done before! For my other projects, long fics were finished before I even started posting, so I could keep up a regular, fast update schedule because everything was ready to go. In regards to JT, I had a huge buffer of written and half-written chapters to keep close to that same, fast pace. We've run out of buffer tho - the last few chapters are either ones I need to write or need so much editing and rewrites that it's basically writing them from scratch. I need time to do it, I have plans to do it, I want to do it, it just hadn't happened yet. Such is the much more normal pace of fanfic publishing.

A peek behind the curtains, too - lockdown for the pandemic was huge for how much I wrote. From 2020-halfway through 2022, I worked basically part-time due to restrictions at work, so I had a lot of time to fill and not much else to do besides write. In that time, I wrote like 700,000 words (~425k is up on AO3). I did like three accidental NaNoWriMos (none in November).

Now? Here in 2023? Work is back to full time. Things are open, friends want to hang out, there's movies and shows I want to watch and games I want to play, I want to write, I have Life Things to deal with, and I have much less time to split between all those.

A little of what I'm getting at here is that - I'm tired. I was going to make this announcement after I finished JT, but I'll do it here: I will be taking a break after I finish writing JT. I wrote a lot of words, I had a lot of fun writing those words, but I'm starting to feel a pressure to get words done, which doesn't help words happen and I want writing to stay a fun hobby, so a break must happen. If a little oneshot or something happens during my break, then it happens, but I'm not pressuring myself to have a Next Thing out quickly or in x amount of time. I'll still be around here on Tumblr and all my everything will still be up on AO3, so I hope you guys stay around to hang out and chat, but you'll have to get your sharkneto fic fill from the 24 fics already up.

So, yes. I'm still writing and still in TUA. JT will get finished - I do feel bad that it's sat for so long without an update. And then I'll be chilling for a bit.

Thanks for all your patience and the love for my writing - you guys are what makes sharing fic so fun!

[todayisafridaynight]

if i think bout ichi going to jiro kasuga's grave and arakawa accompanying him Maybe At Least Once i just might explode

[melto]

something just like snapped in the back of my head like i Need to go like curl up in my room for like 5 days and play video games and not speak to like anyone

[katsukikitten]

.

[appalachy]

Ok this is a little awkward helped my two friends with their writing part of the proficiency exam and got them higher scores than i did for myself 💀 i still got a C1 in it ofc but less points than them and i wont stand for that

[wabblebees]

its hitting real "i want a damn suit" and "i want a damn corset" hours around here folks

[celestialmancer]

⛈️ //

[vse-kar-vem]

hihi vent post incoming (tldr im pretty sure everyone hates me and also im gonna fail all my exams)

[nomaishuttle]

the thing abt me is i do hsve goals for therapy snd i do want to delve deep into my psyche but i also never get to talk to ppl irl so when i go in and realize i have a captive audience for the next 50 minutes i just cannot shut up.

[s0urte3th]

i mean, im not saying im.. bad i guess?

[windowsillbells]

new hobby of mine: possibly spoiling myself the (possible?) plot-twist from lost in the stars because i wanted to read some take us home fics by putting them through google translate bc they’re all in chinese

[todayisafridaynight]

I was thinking about this before I want to bed last night so I have no idea if it's anything, but do you think the fact Arakawa (allegedly) was still seeing women for (at least) more than half the time they knew each other would've made it harder for Jo to label whatever they had going on...

Like I don't know if he would've been bothered (or allowed himself to let it on if he was), but crossroads of imperfect communication, only being in one relationship prior, being somewhat old-fashioned, and knowing Arakawa met Akane through an "affair"... no idea where I'm going with this but makes me wonder...

it's a fair thought to have in this (alleged) timeline me thinks

jo wholly doesn't really have experience with other people, whether that's platonically, romantically, or whatever demon lies in-between those. i dont think he wouldve been explicitly bothered- not bothered in a way he'd be ready to acknowledge. just that weird feeling you get when something's off but you can't place it (or rather you don't really want to)