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mindmeltonabun-blog · 3 years

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Doom At Your Service: Analysis & Theories for EPs 9-10

Anyone mentally exhausted from watching DAYS? Well, you’ve come to the right place where I do the thinking for you, so you don’t have to! As always, if you have any questions, feel free to click on the ask question button! Happy Readings !

The Contract Revisited

While reviewing the contract, I realized there was something major that I had completely missed! Anyways let’s go over the contract again to clear up some confusion.

The Contract is as follows:

1) Dong Kyung must ask for Myul Mang to destroy the world before she dies (It could be rephrased as Dong Kyung must ask for Myul Mang to destroy the world before her tentative expiration date)

2) During Dong Kyung’s last 100 days, Myul Mang will prevent her from feeling any pain

3) Myul Mang has to grant her one real wish

4) If Dong Kyung breaks the contract (does not wish for the world to be destroyed) then the person she loves the most will die

If Dong Kyung does not violate the contract as in she wishes for the world to be destroyed, the person she loves dies anyways because you know.... the world is non existent. If Dong Kyung does violate the contract, meaning she does not wish for the world to be destroyed, the person she loves dies too because her doom is transferred to them. Some have also wondered whether she can has to ask for the world to be destroyed in order to get her one real wish to be granted. In my opinion, I don't think so. I think she can still get her one real wish to be granted regardless of whether she wishes for doom upon the world or not. Other things to note is that nothing will happen to Myul Mang if he does not stick to the terms of the contract (i.e keeps Dong Kyung pain free and granting her one real wish) because as Dong Kyung said "If I violate" not "If either you or I violate".

Now something to pay close attention to is #4. In Ep 2, Myul Mang had said he would take Dong Kyung’s doom (brain cancer) and transfer it to someone she loves. This is the part I missed! I’d thought that all Myul Mang was doing was transferring the death that was meant for her, not that he was actually removing her source of death which was her brain cancer. Therefore, if Dong Kyung breaks the contract, she will live because her brain cancer is removed and is subsequently transferred into the person she loves, causing them to die instead. I feel incredibly stupid for missing this important piece of info. In light of this new info, I will therefore retract my previous theory that Dong Kyung’s one wish will be to cure her brain cancer.

For those who were confused by that scene of Dong Kyung going to the beach and staying away from everyone, here are my thoughts on that. Dong Kyung was trying to find a loophole. The loophole was that she was planning on violating the contract while protecting the people she loves. This means that Dong Kyung was planning on ending herself at the beach (you can't wish for doom upon the world if you're already dead) and accepting her doom (her doom can't be transferred to anyone else because she accepts it in herself).

Who’s Going to Get Dong Kyung’s Brain Cancer and Die?

I recently had a eureka moment a few days ago before Eps 9-10 aired that led me to formulating a new theory -- it's actually Dora who will inherit Dong Kyung’s brain cancer and die. Let’s think through some things first, “the person you love the most will die”. The most obvious choice is Myul Mang. However, if you think about that statement in a more abstract way, you can see that if Dong Kyung loves her life, then the person who will die is Dora. Remember that Dora is basically the personification of life.

To further add evidence that supports this theory, I present to you Exhibit A, Dora’s massive nosebleed. We know Dong Kyung has a rare type of brain cancer and it’s located in her frontal lobe. As days pass, the brain tumor is growing or metastasizing. In theory, the tumor could grow into nearby areas such as her nasal cavity and cause Dong Kyung to have nose bleeds (FYI: In real life, I’m a scientist with experience in the field of oncology and most of the time brain tumors don’t grow outside of the brain. It can happen, but it is very rare!). Now, think about the events that occurred before Dora's nose bleed. For example, Dong Kyung was out and about enjoying her time with Myul Mang and her family and friends. Essentially, Dong Kyung was beginning to love her life. This causes Dora to suffer because she is taking in Dong Kyung's illness into herself. Subsequently, this leads to Dora experiencing some of the symptoms of Dong Kyung's brain cancer (e.g nose bleed). Thus, as Dong Kyung is beginning to live, Dora is beginning to die.

Exhibit B: Adventures of Pinocchio. At the end of the story, the Fairy (Dora) heals an ailing Geppetto (Dong Kyung) as a reward for Pinocchio (Myul Mang) becoming a good boy. Following this, we don’t hear much about what happens to the Fairy except that she’s in laying in a hospital on the verge of death. It is implied that in order to heal Geppetto, the Fairy had to take his illness into herself. Afterall, nothing is without consequences, someone must pay so that others can be happy. Much like the story of Pinocchio, Dora is doing the same thing as the Fairy. Dora is taking in Dong Kyung’s illness so that Dong Kyung can freely love her son, Myul Mang, without consequences (e.g Myul Mang dying).

Exhibit C: Dong Kyung walking around like she didn’t have brain cancer while in seclusion. You would think that since she didn’t see Myul Mang to recharge, she would be experiencing some severe symptoms, but nope she was walking around as if she was cured! I wonder where her cancer went.......DORA!

Exhibit D: Dora telling Dong Kyung to be madly in love and live. Basically Dora saying, "Love my son and live, don't worry about your brain cancer or him dying because I'm taking care of it."

Why Dora Didn't Want Myul Mang To See Her

For those wondering why Dora didn’t want Myul Mang to see her, here are my two cents. One explanation is that Dora probably didn’t want him to figure out that she was inheriting Dong Kyung’s brain cancer. It would’ve made him feel guilty to see that his mother was willing to take on even more pain just so he could be happy. Another explanation is that Myul Mang still has a lot of growing up to do (to become human). Dora didn’t want him to get the idea that he’s out of the clear just yet. Meaning if Myul Mang had found out that Dora was doing this for him then he would’ve thought life was a breeze now and have no further motivations to want to grow, thus ruining Dora’s plan for him (to grow up to become a good human). There’s no better motivation to make someone grow than the thought of their love ones dying.

Final Theory on Dong Kyung’s Wish

In my previous post, I had discussed that without knowing the limits of what one could or could not wish for, it was difficult for me to accurately predict what Dong Kyung’s wish would be. However, in this week’s episode, I was finally given the limits: the wish must be a wish that is doom in nature. I thought to myself, what could be a good thing to end? Oh, that’s right, Myul Mang’s immorality. Dong Kyung must say “I wish for your immortal life to end” or something along those lines. The combination of Dong Kyung’s wish + Myul Mang’s willingness to sacrifice himself for her + Dora’s plant = the rebirth of Myul Mang into a real boy....oops I mean real hu-man.

The Ending of DAYS

So, what kind of ending will DAYS have? Prepare yourselves. I think it’s going to be a bittersweet ending because it goes with the one of the main themes DAYS which is dualism. I think Myul Mang will be reborn as a human, but still have his doom responsibilities (so more like a fake human). He will probably end up becoming like Dora in the sense that he gets to experience the cycle of life and death over an infinite amount of time. Dong Kyung won’t be reborn in his next life cycle (remember Myul Mang tells that crazy lady there’s no afterlife; humans only have this one life). I guess the notion that the love he and Dong Kyung share will always be with him and forever serve as a shining beacon even in his loneliest days is sweet, but still I want a happy ending!!!

Now excuse my language, but to hell with dualism and what is logical! I want a happy ending where Myul Mang becomes human, lives with Dong Kyung, and when he dies that’s it. No coming back to doing his doom job in a different life. Dora can create another herald of doom. Dora did it once before and she could do it again lol. Or if Myul Mang must come back in a different life, at least allow Dong Kyung to be reborn at the same time. I mean you can grow the same plant again…. EVER HEARD OF PROPROGATION DORA?!! Metaphorically speaking, if Dong Kyung is a sunflower, then wait until she dies, harvest her seeds and grow her again…. it’s that simple Dora!!!

Some Thoughts on the Writer of DAYS

The writer (Im Meari) of DAYS is at best, pretentious and at worst, derivative. She’s more or less just rehashing the works of other great philosophers (Nietzsche, Schopenhauer, Deleuze, etc). She presents DAYS as a collection of major philosophical concepts with the intention to differentiate herself from that of other kdramas writers. She goes onto placing great stress on the idea that in order to innovate or bring about a new beginning, one must deviate from the norm, yet she herself does not diverge from the ideas of other philosophers. She does not present any philosophy of her own. In this aspect, she is a hypocrite to the very ideas she tries to preach. Oh well, to each their own. Who knows, maybe my opinion of Im Meari will change by the end of the series. Anyways, I’m still here for the romance between the actors and actresses and solving mysteries!

Ep 11 Preview Predictions

Here are my predictions for Ep 11 based off of the preview, they may or may not be correct !

Dong Kyung takes back the bracelet from Myul Mang after their conversation on the beach. Honestly, I’m growing tired of this whole giving/taking the bracelet type situation lol.

Dong Kyung enjoys a nice vacation with Myul Mang on Jeju island.

Dong Kyung returns from the vacation because she finds out that her aunt is sick (probably from worrying about Dong Kyung). Dong Kyung beats herself up about it.

Dong Kyung is sick again (probably from hating life...remember that I had theorized that the more Dong Kyung loves her life, the sicker Dora will be become) and Myul Mang in his desperation pleads with Dora to help him, but Dora’s version of helping him is to …. surprise surprise… teach him another lesson. The lesson is that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side and that Myul Mang and Dong Kyung complete each other for the better. Dora shows Myul Mang what their lives would've been like if they had never existed in each other’s lives.

Dong Kyung having never experience any kind of suffering would live a healthy life but become the most unappreciative and spoiled person ever. She may go on to finding that life was pretty meaningless and would want to put an end to it all. And Myul Mang having never met Dong Kyung wouldn't have any motivation or desire to grow as a person and so he would remain stagnant. And who knows… maybe at some point, that Myul would’ve became so angry with humans that he would personally go around killing every last one of them.

#doom at your service #doomatyourservice #myulmang #Myul mang #dong kyung #dongkyung #kimsaram #Kim saram #DAYS #parkboyoung #park bo young #seo in guk #seoinguk #kdrama #kdramas #theories #analysis #long post

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thelostandforgottenangel · 4 years

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Good Morning everyone! I'm back!

I am happy to say that it is over, any reported harassment's against me were investigated; I had to send so much crap in and was told to wait; I was not guaranteed anything but it is luckily over and I can move past that and enjoy my followers and dear Tumblr family once again

Thank you for the few who gave me the support; I did get the messages whoever you are, I really would like to put a face to them but will not post them publicly to keep everyone safe.

Now I want to take this time to apologize to everyone for whatever I did because for the two people I had contact with talked me out of a very permanent plan to officially leave here if I lost my page after many years of being able to confide in people who cared and built me up because this is my safe zone; my safe haven away from my reality which I do need my escape to forget for just a second.

Returning to Tumblr after a forced hiatus, I was just happy to be back and check on my loved ones; getting my new phone in and finally having access to the internet again had me so happy until I got a message I did not fully understand

Now I had just returned; I had no clue what was going on when this happened and, yes, it upset me deeply to be delighted to talk to somebody I considered a friend and instead while replying to ask how they were doing wanting to be sure they were okay ((Understanding the person had been having troubles before I vanished I was looking in on a friend)) before the chat showed they had blocked me right after

Like everyone on here except one person; there is no way to contact me if I go missing. If I am not here due to I either: 1.) not having internet thanks to the person in control of it or 2.) functioning with a broken phone meaning - I did not get updates unless it was somebody who knew who to contact

I had no other way of reaching out since the friend is no longer active here after leaving months ago.

I had no clue what was transpiring and, Lexi, who anyone who has followed me since the beginning, is my lovely Anonymous penpal who sends me writing ideas for stories and the only real reason I left anonymous asks active because she, like me, suffers from extreme anxiety was trying to boost positivity for me because she understood my situation and the place I am in

I understand now she contacted a lot of people looking for me because; my anon messaging was finally turned off weeks before I left right after I stood up to my bully – I am sorry for that I did not get to say goodbye to anyone because it happened without warning and to those who knew what was going on I knew you would understand, and I know I worried a few people, it was never my plan to be such an inconvenience

Now at some point in the last few days, I had a dear friend send me some things in a submission that I never saw and wish I never had, thankfully; I know now, and for the sake of their sanity and to keep from adding any more drama or toxic actions to our wonderful fandom, they will remain unnamed because I do not want them catching any hate

Nobody here deserves hate.

So I will not be posting the original nor will I release the creator's name; this was a problem between us it stays between us because I do not wish ill on you; I hope you are successful and are having no more issues, I know returning to my page and not seeing any anon hate in my box after ten days is very refreshing for a change

I have seen everything said about me in three possibly four separate posts since it was all sent to me as one with little separations in-between, and I’m okay with it; I guess I have to accept this is how you feel I have nothing else to say on the matter

What you are saying is fine; I’m not going to let it get me, that is your opinion, and as human's, we are all allowed to have an opinion

Now, I don't know if you will see this, but I don’t think you are crazy in any way; I think you are intelligent and you have a huge heart; in our IM's you told me about your disorder also about you mental problem and like I said there I still understand; it runs in my family and, thankfully it bypassed me; but I still have compassion for those battling mental illnesses since I do have a few myself

I didn’t know about the ask you got until you mentioned it before I returned, and since mentioned by my best friend that she got one too earlier in the day I already knew who you were talking about

I had just seen it when I got blocked, and I didn’t fully get to read it until this morning when I was finally able to log on, and yes, I privately told you who that anon was because I had told her what a sweet person you were encouraging her to friend you, I have no idea how I lied but it is okay too

I was not here for those hate messages nor was I involved in anything I get too much hate daily when I am here to even dream of sending it but, nobody will believe me except anyone who has ever interacted with me

In your post, you warned people about three of those five people (Again; the ones I know about will not be named)

I only tried to interact once with your Raph; the response was enough to discourage me from ever trying again; you were stressed I got that because of everything going on I can only imagine you felt like it was an attack, I did not want an RP I just needed somebody to talk to that night, and, for once I didn't go directly to private messages as I do with everyone, that was my fault so I deserved the blow up even if I did not know about that RP until you explained. I apologized, profusely because I felt bad for bringing up – it was to talk, something many know I am not good at, I didn’t know the subject would hurt you; we had never interacted but you had offered to interact with me at one time if I needed you and trying to heal I attempted to reach out on the only thing I had seen on your page a long time ago

I don't get to RP for me haven't for a long while now, but I try to make others happy

But I am sorry I made an effort to reach out; you didn't need that

So if you are in the TMNT fandom, please be cautious because I only seem cause problems for the people I care for

You blocked me, you have your reasons, and yes, I do respect them and, after this post, it is in the past; I hope you are doing and getting along well

And guys, I can’t and will not give the name of this person or do it privately because I don’t want them catching any hate, but please, by all means, if you ever find their blog follow them; they are so talented and deserve so much love from this fandom

Lastly, while I will be staying on Tumblr because I do not want to leave any of you, I will be making several changes to my several pages soon to make sure this never happens again and to all my followers; I love you guys, and for that, I will no longer be posting struggles on here anymore even though I only gave you guys a penny in a 10-gallon bucket because I needed comfort that was too much; my problems are my burden, not yours; and I can not say how sorry I am that I ever put that on any of you

Nobody needs to know what their friends are dealing with when we come here to be happy because it is too much to put on anyone not personally dealing with it, so you will only see the sadness in my stories and only see the struggle in my art

My ask box will be open; anon will alternate day to day but, any hate I hope not to see will be deleted immediately; if your face is on the lovely message; you will be blocked right there just like the last 12 people since quarantine started for me in February

Also, while I am still here *this is a scheduled post it is 4 a.m. my time will post, hopefully after I am asleep cause my sleep schedule is grossly off* I do not want ANY hate streaming from this post, I know my followers will not do that to anyone; this is just me getting it out of my system

We are breaking the chain of toxicity right here! We were not meant to be friends in this lifetime but maybe the next

Tumblr, at one point, was always a beautiful, safe place for many of us who needed a way out of our situations; and when I joined in 2014 as a supernatural blog I was run off, then I came back again in 2016 for TMNT and found my family some of us just wanted a place to be us; to not be judged for who we were, it needs to go back to that for all of its members soon.

We have already lost way too many wonderful creators from here let's not lose any more

And if you have noticed a difference in the last three months, mostly pertaining to my writing; I downloaded Grammarly and started taking classes with my old English teacher on ZOOM who, bless her heart, had to deal with my dumbass in school because I suck at punctuality.

I was very self-conscious about admitting that, but somebody reminded me there is no shame in learning something again and I have been working hard

#scheduled #mun will be on later #been up all night with sick kids

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vasiliassuns · 4 years

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thistle gimme the tea on ruby

♥ oh gods, you really just love getting me on the analysis trains, hm ?

♥ ( note ; do not read this post if you absolutely love ruby with all of your heart and believe she is 100% innocent , to each their own , these are just my own personal opinions and im not trying to offend anybody )

♥ warning ! this post is very long, and essentially turned into a character analysis of specific moments and nearly an entire volume largely based off of how i see the show. it is multiple paragraphs long, standing at exactly 3444 words exactly. there will be a tl;dr at the end for anybody who doesnt want to read the full post, or has trouble focusing ! thank you for understanding.

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♥ where do i start ? personally, ruby’s character really got it’s worst in volume 7. i really enjoyed her character pre - fall of beacon, and a decent amount in volumes 4 - 6 as well. there is a moment in volume 4 that make me let out a long sigh, as well as a singular moment in volume 5 that greatly confuses me on her character, so i will touch up on that as well.

♥ volume 7 is what kills my love for her character, in all honest, as well as some moments in volume 6 that i feel could have been written better. i’ll go in chronological order for this, starting with my “:///” towards a part in volume 4, then confusion of a scene in volume 5, then the slight issues that developed with her in volume 6, then moving on to volume 7 and how im no longer really enjoying her character

♥ so, in volume 4, its very common knowledge that tyrian was sent to attack and retrieve ruby to bring back to salem, due to her having silver eyes and the damage she cause salems fall maiden. when qrow shows up to save ruby at the perfect last second, he adamantly tells her and the rest of team rnjr to stay out of the fight. at first, ren and nora dont listen, but then do, which is fair. but ruby continued to push her helping qrow. as we all know now, qrow was telling her to stay back due to his semblance. while, yes, ruby did help qrow against tyrian with a couple of the blows, the fight would have gone much different should she have not interfered (personally, i feel like qrow would have had a shot at beating tyrian, especially because their auras were both flickering and they seemed very evenly matched). but due to her constant interference, she nearly got knocked out by a large wooden beam, had qrow not sliced it in half. she wound up (even if it was accidentally) distracting qrow, giving tyrian the opportunity to nearly poison him. i dont hate her for wanting to help in this scene, because its her uncle who she cares about, but i feel like she also should have trusted qrow and stayed out of the fight. the line “this is my fight too” also gets me. maam, this isnt your fight, the fight is about you, but doesnt need to physically involve you.

♥ with volume 5. its a very well known scene, at least in my opinion. when weiss got impaled by none other than cinder fucking fall. within the few episode long battle for haven, we did see ruby’s eyes activate once when jaune and cinder were running / flying at each other to fight. i do understand why her eyes activated there, because jaune is her first friend from beacon that wasn’t her sister, arguably one of her closest. what i dont understand is why ruby’s eyes didnt activate when she saw that cinder had impaled weiss with the spear, weiss sitting in the same position ruby last saw pyrrha in, weiss an inch from death. it just doesnt add up to me how her teammate and partner, somebody who’s saved her multiple times and shes saved multiple times. it may be that she was too stressed in the moment for them to properly activate, which we’ve seen ( in volume 7 ), but i still feel like something should have happened with her eyes.

♥ continuing on with volume 6, i really didnt have many issues with her character here either, but a few of her lines / moments kinda made me go “:/ bruh why tho” closer to the end of this volume. it’s really only two quotes of her’s that get me, which is “Just because you don't have an idea, doesn't mean we're out of options! Oz hasn't been here to tell us what to do, but we still managed to get this far anyway. We've been in bad situations before, and we don't need an adult to come save us or tell us what to do. We just did it our way! And I say we do it our way. And if you think you can keep up with us "kids"... we'd be happy to have you.” from the episode ‘lost’. i partially understand what she’s saying here, but at the same time, she says this to qrow, who saved her life on multiple occasions, and who wanted to get to atlas without breaking any laws. the way she said it (nothing against lindsay, she is an amazing and very talented voice actress, and she delivers nearly all of rubys lines perfectly, but imagine as if this was a real person we knew), kind of seemed decently rude to me. i understand that she knows they need to get to atlas, because james can help them (ill bring this back up later, trust me), and shes clearly not afraid to break the law that involves james’ military to get to him.

♥ the second thing in volume 6 about ruby that semi-upsets me / makes me go “:/” is in the episode seeing red, when she was talking to cordovin, she said “ We're going to Atlas. Bigger people than you have tried to stop us and failed, but we're supposed to be on the same side! We're supposed to use our power to protect people, but you just use yours to look down on everyone! We didn't want to steal from you. We did it because you gave us no other choice! Now I'm giving you one last chance to stand down and hear us out.” this semi-upsets me mostly because of the line “bigger people than you have tried to stop us and failed”, as well as “we did it because you gave us no other choice.”. the “bigger people than you” gets me because while, yes, in the grand scheme of things within the war against salem, cordovin is a small footnote within it, the only other people who physically tried to stop team rwby was roman (who sadly was eaten by grimm due to his negative emotions with flocks of grimm around, not because of ruby), cinder’s miniature faction (who only partially failed. as much as i hate cinders character, she didnt fully fail in stopping rwby, she just was forced to step back for a while...multiple times.), and tyrian with rnjr. roman didnt inherently fail, he just chose to walk away from the fights hed been having with team rwby in order to devise a new plan to beat them the next time. cinder’s faction only partially failed because ruby managed to get on top of beacon tower in volume 3 with weiss’ help, watching pyrrha pass away thus activating her silver eyes for the first time. the only reason tyrian failed to stop rnjr was because qrow was there to help, and ruby managed to get an opening to slice his tail in half (which. ew that shot looked disgusting). yes, bigger people have tried to stop her and her friends, but they didnt inherently fail, at least not yet. with the line “we did it because you gave no other choice!” mostly just confuses me. while yes, technically cordovin didnt really give any options for the group, it didnt automatically mean that they had to instantly resort to stealing from the military.

♥ now ! onto volume 7, where my salt really starts. because i have a growing icky feeling about her character in volume 7, im going to split this next bit up into three parts. the first part being the first 4 episodes, the second being episodes 5-9 and the third and final being episodes 10-13. buckle up!

♥ episode 1, i really have nothing against ruby. she has the same attitude she did in volume 6 and before, which is a mixture of pure but also wanting to stop salem.

♥ its episode 2 that starts to get me. as i mentioned earlier, ruby knows they have to get to atlas because they know james can help them, and that the lamp is safer if its locked away in the vault, but then she suddenly doesnt trust james. i dont know if this is because the ace-operatives arresting them, but in that situation, james also couldnt have known who the unlicensed huntsmen were. as seen by his and winter’s reactions to the soliders bringing rwby+jnr+oscar & qrow in, they instantly tell them to let the 9 go, because james and winter personally know them and know they would never attack people. so, i dont really know why ruby would stop trusting the idea that james could help them because of that. it may also be the fact that ruby doesnt like the idea that james was planning on telling the people of atlas and mantle about salem (which, honestly? to me? this decision seems fully rash and makes a lot of sense.), but even then, if the students at the vytal festival knew about salem, or the world did, it may have proven to be more beneficial to them, because the more people that knew she existed, the more people who can fight her or the more people that can support those who are fighting her on the front lines, so ruby no longer trusting him over that doesnt make sense to me either. ruby’s sudden distrust of james upsets me quite a bit, because she and the team shed been traveling with had learned ozpin was hiding things from them (my feelings on this is a whole different post, but not necessarily a negative one), and was very upset about that. really, her openly lying to james about not knowing why ozpin had disappeared / locked himself away in oscars mind, as well as the amount of questions jinn has left, really ticks me off. they spent the entirety of volume 6 trying to get to atlas and to james because they needed his help, and once they finally got there, in front of the man himself, she lied. she became the exact same thing that she and her group had openly not liked what so ever, which was a blatant liar. id understand if ruby said that jinn had one more question left, to see how james would react, and tell him of salem’s immortality at a slightly later date, when they got into the rhythm of being around each other and working as a team against salem, but just blatantly lying, without consulting her team prior, to the man who could in all honesty make or break how they fought this war, was plain wrong.

♥ in episode 3, ruby was mostly back to who she had been prior to this entire mess. she explains why theyre hiding stuff from james, albeit in the vaguest way possible (weiss and blake explain the thinking behind it more than she does, honestly). we also see the beginning of a conversation between ruby and oscar about them lying to james. though, with the lying situation and who she was turning into, this is really all for this episode.

♥ in episode 4, the largest scene we see with ruby openly talking about her distrust for james is her conversation with qrow. she says “I'm trying to do what I think is best, but I really can't tell if what's best is what's right. Or if I'm no different from Oz.“, which at this point, shes nothing like ozpin. shes worse. ozpin was hiding the truth about salem due to the trauma connected to her and the fact of her immortality that the ozma line of reincarnations had, which isnt entirely a bad thing. should he have tried to find a way to tell them she was immortal without disclosing his own personal traumas? absolutely, i dont disagree that he hadnt made brash decisions, that should have been made differently, but the sad truth is, is that ozpin chose to hide what he hid, but that one mistake (albeit, a large one) doesnt entirely make him a terrible person. ruby, however? her choice on telling james wasnt brash, it was blatantly impetuous. she barely thought and decided to lie on the spot, unless shed purposefully been internally planning for a long while to lie to him, and had a lie stored up to use should he have asked. that isnt okay, what so ever. the conversation ruby had with qrow eventually delvs into talking about summer, which isnt really important.

♥ when thinking about episodes 5 through 8, nothing particularly stands out to me as ruby blatantly lying. those episodes are mostly team rwby and jnr doing huntsman work, yang making a terrible decision and making blake talk for her, and r/enora turning into something i honestly really hate. episode 9 however, gets me thinking.

♥ in episode 9, the finally tell james that salem cant be killed, but ruby doesnt tell james, oscar does. a quick side note, i really like the fact that crwby had oscar tell james and not ruby, because oscar is the current (and hopefully final) reincarnation of ozma, and its a secret his past lives kept for a millennia. but! back to ruby. within this episode, before she decides they can finally tell james about salem (which, as you can tell, i believe they should have done instantly), ruby is preaching to james about how they can figure it out and that how they should all work together. this pisses me off because shes standing there, hiding one of the largest, if not the largest secret in the show, to a man who has done everything for her and her team. james trusted rwby, especially ruby, with everything he knew, gave them new weapons, clothes, a place to stay, food, etc. all for free because he trusted they wouldnt hide anything from them. another thing that gets me about ruby saying it was finally time to tell james, was that it seemed solely up to her to tell him or to chose when to tell him. it was up to the technically youngest in the group to chose when to tell james about salems immortality (i say technically, because oscar is the current reincarnation of a millennia old line, and i personally have seen him be wiser than ruby in this, weather hes more mature than her or not. physically, yes, oscar is the youngest. mentally? i really dont think hes the youngest in that regard). it doesnt make sense to me as to why everybody was trusting ruby with when to tell james. why wouldnt qrow tell him? qrows known james for years, weather they were close friends (that hug and sincerity tells me that they arent the bickering work partners v3 shaped them up to be) or not. qrow knows he can trust james because simply of how long theyve known each other. weiss knows she can trust james, hes been seen multiple times in the show defending her against jacques, even offering her a place at atlas academy (that bit to me seemed like james offering weiss a way to get away from jacques, because she would need to live at atlas to properly be a student, not the manor), he even said “shes the only one making any sense around here” after weiss got rightfully upset at the woman talking beacon down in volume 4. oscar knows he can trust james, simply because of his connection to ozpin. seeing as ozpin can access oscars memories, and its cannon that their memories merge, its safe to say that oscar was able to see who james used to be pre-fall of beacon, and to see the kind of man he was, as well as making his own judgement based on their first introduction together. so, why would these three, and the rest of the team traveling with ruby not tell james the truth? hell, qrow is a mother fucking spy. im pretty sure he would be able to tear james apart and figure out his intentions pretty easily. why couldnt qrow have just had a one on one conversation with james to make his own final call, as the fully fledged adult of the group? it doesnt make sense to me why they would trust ruby with this extremely important decision what so ever.

♥ episode 10, there really isnt anything i have against ruby. shes fighting to protect mantle and is doing her current job, which is one of the few details i can appreciate, but thats about it.

♥ episode 11 and 12 specifically piss me off, and not just about ruby, about nearly everybody involved. i understand rubys standing in this, saying that they need to stand their ground and fight salem head on, unlike they had in the past, i honestly probably would have said the same thing if i were her too. james had emotionally shut down at this point, i think that this is very clearly evident, especially seeing as the white sparkles in his eyes have dissipated, something we commonly see in the eyes of rwby characters to represent their humanity or emotional status. james is emotionally shut down, the ace-operatives have their own opinions on this situation which is entirely okay and valid, and they happen to be siding with james. blake is trying to take the calmer approach, most likely having noticed that if they lashed out like yang began to, it would go very bad very quick. weiss was in a state of semi-shock, her mind most likely naturally connecting their current situation with trauma and abuse she endured as a child (most prominently ; isolation). but how ruby handled going against james and the fight against the ace-operatives / specifically harriet, was down right wrong. she should not have jumped past james with her semblance to reveal james’ plan, which automatically escalated the situation from bad to even fucking worse. she yet again made a decision for herself and a group of people that can cost them their lives if things dont go their way (which, knowing how this show can be written sometimes? it will always go their way in the end), without thinking. i really dont feel i have to explain how spontaneous her choice on this is, especially because i know multiple people have covered it in better written posts. it essentially boils down to rubys blatantly reckless actions and absolutely moronic choices to do what they did. do not get me started on her line of “then you trained us” or the fact that all the ace-operatives walked into that fight with less aura than team rwby, which already gave them an unfair advantage. i really do not have the patience to fully type out and explain why i hate these two episodes with my entire being, but it mostly boils down to: nobody in this situation is right. not ream rwby, not james, not the ace-ops, very clearly not salem and her lackeys, not qrow choosing to fight 1v1v1, or cinder for a multitude of reasons. the only characters in these episodes i dont have a burning hatred for, be it temporarily or a fire i have a feeling will be burning for a while, is team jnr and oscar. they were trying their best in regards of what was best for everybody, oscar wanting to help james to the best of his ability.

♥ tl;dr : basically? ruby rose in volumes 1 - 6 was actually a really enjoyable character and only had a few moments of “okay but why?” but everybody also has those moments. ruby rose in volume 7 turned into a hypocritical, blatantly rude and whiny little girl who i honestly cant really see as a good character at the moment at all, because of how she acted the entire volume.

#thistle.exe ; analysis #rwby analysis #rwby v4 #rwby v5 #rwby v6 #rwby v7 #technically rwde #im not going to tag any character names #id rather not put an entire analysis in those tags because thats not fair to the people looking for content of a character they really like #this took me literal hours to write #it was worth it

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warmau · 6 years

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{Regular Inspired!AU x NCT 127} Johnny

tw: weapons mention, violence mention, n*fw elements, be warned. everything written here is a work of FICTION, it does not in anyway reflect reality, nor do i condone any of the extreme behavior. ♢ introduction ♢ pick mark instead | pick haechan instead | pick yuta instead

“he’s guilty of being soft - a hopeless romantic type who’d rather runaway than break a heart.”

“i choose john-”

before you can even finish, johnny is cascading over to you

he’s abandoned his wine glass and is instead clapping his hands together ceremoniously

as he takes a bow in front of the table you’re sitting on

“i promise to keep you quite entertained during your time with jung enterprises”

he extends a hand to help you up

and you take it, faltering a little

and asking quietly that you rather he promise to keep you quite safe

he winks, muttering under his breath that of course he will be doing that too

before turning to the rest of the group with a smile

“well, as you can tell the decision has been made. it was obvious from the start that i would be the best choice as the rest of you,,,,,,,,”

he lowers his tone a little

“dont know how to treat a guest right anyway”

somewhere in the room haechan scoffs

mark is giving you an almost worried look

while doyoung and jungwoo turn to discuss something in hushed whispers

taeil suddenly pops up by your side, poking the skin of your cheek and causing you to let out a surprised gasp

“johnny has more secrets than you think!”

he exclaims

and you want to ask what in the world he means

but he’s already shoo’d off

jaehyun’s hand comes down on a nearby table - the sound rattling everyone into silence

and you notice johnny take a step in front of you

as jaehyun clears his throat

“it’s been settled. everyone go home. johnny, make sure they -”

“what do you think i am, an ungentlemanly idiot? of course i will escort this lovely person home”

jaehyun doesn’t bother to respond

even though he seems utterly pissed about the whole situation - he seems content with your trust in johnny

you start to think that johnny is probably held close by the jungs, he is after all their lawyer

or so you hope

“you can report tomorrow to my office darling, for now ill call my chauffeur and have him bring you to your home”

“oh, you’re not coming with us?”

you ask almost on instinct

johnny’s smile widens

“ah you want me to stay by your side? well of course you do, we’re one in the same now aren’t we? and alas, i dont want to leave you either, but i have some more work to do.”

he takes your hand gently, lifting it up to kiss the top

“but tomorrow - i promise, we’ll be together all day, baby”

johnny drawls out the words - his voice naturally sensual and emphasized

just the way he speaks makes your body react a certain way

but you talk it down, reminding yourself of the situation you’re actually in

these people are dangerous, these people could kill you

johnny’s chauffeur is an older aged man, he speaks with you in english and you think you hear some kind of accent - maybe from a big city like chicago

but that slips your mind

because you’re watching the streets of seoul pass in your window

regular people, regular cars

you’d been just like them the other day and now,,,,,,you’re being driven home under the pretense that you might run away from the mob

the goddamn mob

you groan and the chauffeur asks if you’re ok - when johnny is stressed he usually just needs something to drink

you shake your head politely, explaining that everything is fine

it’s just been,,,,,,,,a long day

the next morning ,,,,, johnny is outside of your house

he’s wearing an expensive looking jacket over a freshly pressed white button down

the cuffs of the jacket are pushed up to his elbows and on his arm is an array of expensive bands and a diamond watch matches on the other

he greets you with another kiss on your hand - eyes hidden behind equally as expensive shades

“i thought i would make up having to leave you all alone last night by picking you up today,,,”

he starts - smiling when a group of women pass by, all whispering and pointing at him

he waves and they all go up in arms about it as they hurry on past

and you take note that johnny just seems to like attention,,,,,,especially the attention of those who find him attractive

“are we going to the office?”

you ask, suddenly wanting him to just get into the car so all the eyes on the street would stop finding their way to you

“oh no no no, office work will come later. for now, i want to make sure you get to enjoy some new luxuries.”

you blink, trying to read between the lines

does luxuries mean something in this shady industry? are you about to be in the middle of something dangerous?

but,,,,,,,,,,,,it’s nothing of that sort

when johnny meant luxuries - he meant it literally

you find yourself following him into stores of brand names you’d only read about in magazines

everywhere the store employees recognize and treat johnny like he’s a celebrity

you are paraded in and out of dressing rooms, in and out of clothing you could never afford

you make the mistake of looking at a price tag while you’re changing and almost fall over

the whole time you insist to johnny that this is,,,,,,overwhelming,,,,,and you dont want him to buy you something - or spend his money or time anymore

that you’re fine going to the office and filing papers all day

but johnny takes your chin in his hand and tilts your face up to meet his

“im not doing this because i pity the situation you’re in baby, im doing this because im letting you have a taste of my world”

his mouth curls up into a smile

“and you’re part of it now.”

he lets you go, turning to focus his attention on some expensive necklace

but the words rattle you

im a part of a whole new world?

the shopping trip turns into a stop by a restaurant where everything is in french but johnny doesnt even have to order

the chef knows what he wants

and you feel small in such a big chair in such a big restaurant

when johnny is really only two feet away

the fancy food turns into fancy art

hung up on the walls of highbrow galleries

johnny listing names of artists like they’re his favorite colors

everywhere he goes and everything he says just dazzles you - the capacity of his networking, his social skill

it’s hard to believe he even needs to work for the jungs - it seems money is naturally drawn to him

as are people

it’s supposed to be your day with him, as johnny had sort of sketchily implied

but when you think about it, it’s been you watching his broad back

people flanking his sides

people chattering in his ear

you’re ignored - aside from the watchful eyes of bodyguards or securities in whatever upscale establishment you go into

and it’s not jealousy,,,,,,,you’re not vain or greedy for his attention

you just,,,,,,feel out of place

so when it’s already night and johnny tells his driver to take you to your home

you dont have anything to say - seated on the leather backseat with johnny right beside you

“well, did you enjoy yourself?”

he asks, leaning his head back and opening the window on his side

his hair whips a bit in the wind that comes through

and when you look at him like this,,,he’s almost unreal

“im very ,,,,, i appreciate you taking your time to show me all of this. it’s all very,,,,,,,,new”

you try to pick your words carefully - but it’s hard

you dont know how to politely say - it was super uncomfortable

johnny doesnt respond, not until the car pulls up onto your quiet street

but before you get out, johnny goes

“you have no interest in being rich, do you?”

his tone isn’t demeaning, it’s rather more,,,,,,genuinely surprised

you lay your hands in your lap and shake your head

“im only interested in being,,,,,normal. a desk job, a good retirement plan, maybe a family.”

you pause and johnny’s gaze is suddenly on you

his hand reaches out, brushes yours

“you’re very humble. i hope you stay that way.”

this voice is one you haven’t heard from johnny

it’s a stark contrast to his usual upbeat, personable and borderline flirtatious sound

this is,,,,,,,,,,,,almost prayer like

but it’s gone as soon as it comes

he straightens up his shoulders and gives you a wave as you step out of the car

“see you tomorrow, be sure to rest and be as pretty in the morning!”

and with that he closes the door to the car and you go to your apartment

worn out, tired

happy to be in your tiny, little corner of normalcy

thankfully, johnny doesnt take you out like that again

for the next couple of weeks you only see him at the office

where he is just as teasing and cheery - calling you over to help him with affectionate names and light touches on your back

it’s not predatory or suggestive - although doyoung has on several occasions grabbed johnny’s hand or given him looks when you were all in the same room

but you dont feel as if you’re being pressured to do anything

you just think this is how johnny is,,,,he’s inviting to everyone,,,,or at least everyone who he in return is fond of

you’re not alone, he’s ruffled mark’s hair in front of you - as if mark isn’t also part of the underground illegal business they’re all in

he’s used cute chinese add-ons when addressing sicheng

quite literally told jungwoo how “adorable and handsome” he was when the mentioned had come in to work with a new haircut

he was just social

so nothing he did to you made you feel outright special

but what it did make you feel was distracted

you were thankful to have someone with his disposition looking after you

had it been taeyong or jaehyun, you think you’d spend everyday sweating over the fact that you could be killed

or put in danger

but johnny made you forget that

until ,,,,, something changed

you had maybe been wrapping up the first month of your time with jung enterprises

happy to have not witnessed anything too gruesome or too against the law

when you’d come in before leaving to see if johnny needed any last minute help

you’d found him at his desk, papers scattered in piles around his feet - his large hand grabbing a fistful of his hair as he shook slightly behind his computer screen

at first you dropped everything and thought he was in some kind of physical pain

but when you got closer, concern in your voice

johnny barked for you to get back

you could only see briefly what was on the screen

the image was of johnny,,,,,,,,,,,,and you

the first day where he’d taken you out

but not wanting to infringe on him, you did as you were told

backed silently out of the office, collected your discarded bag, and disappeared downstairs

johnny’s chauffeur could see the almost ghostly look in your eyes - so he made quick work of getting you home

“don’t worry about him, i will go back and check if he is alright”

he’d assured, surprisingly using english instead of korean

you had a weird feeling in your gut that something was going on - something had been going on all this time

and only you weren’t in the loop

once inside, you’d suddenly stated to panic

had someone threatened johnny? why did the use a photo of you and him together? were you also going to be in danger?

all of those thoughts began to circle and chant louder and louder in your head

they kept you up all night

and in the morning, you came into the office absolutely petrified

mark running over to you almost immediately

“what’s wrong?”

he asked, leading you into the empty printing room, shutting the door

before you could answer, the door clicked again and through it came taeil of all people

his smile wide on his face, his hands clasped behind his back

“so did you find out johnny’s secret?”

he chirped, mark trying to tell him through gritted teeth that now wasn’t the time to joke around

but you could only shake your head

“n-no, but ,,,,,, but is it bad? i just saw johnny last night and he was a mess-”

mark opens his mouth, but taeil moves him to the side as he bends over to get closer to you

“johnny isn’t a mess, his life is. you’ll probably never find out - but if you do, i think you wont really want to be around him anymore~”

“taeil, that’s enough. johnny isn’t a bad guy - he just has a past”

mark’s voice is soothing, as is his concerned expression and gentle hand on your shoulder

but even though his words are meant to calm you down, you forget them and only think about taeil’s

you wont really want to be around him anymore

you want to ask why,,,,was his past riddled with worse crimes? was he really a horrible person?

but taeil just laughs, turns on his heel and leaves the printing room before you can even formulate a question to ask

not that he’d answer it anyway

mark leads you back to johnny’s office

where you can see his silhouette inside

and mark asks if you’d rather have someone else watch over you, he could do it or maybe doyoung

but you would feel wrong just up and trading johnny away

he’d been nothing but kind to you, he’d done nothing but made you forget all the realities of this job

so you decline, thanking mark and taking in a deep breath before walking in

johnny seems back to his usual self, his desk is all cleaned up and he doesn’t seem to be anything short of,,,,,,happy

when he sees you - his eyes light up and he reaches out to grab your hand

“darling! ive been waiting!”

he eagerly motions with his other hand to the door

“i have a meeting with a new client and id like you to come with me!”

you blink, stuck between wanting to ask if he’s ok and between asking if going to meet a client would be safe for you

johnny doesnt hesitate before taking his brief case and leading you back out the door

people from their desks look up, but no one really pays attention

and when you find yourself already in the car - you’re surprised that ,,,,,,,, haechan is also there

“you- you’re here,,”

you start and he snorts

“no offense but i belong here - youre the one that’s out of place.”

you bite back your tongue and johnny swats at haechan like he’s some young child

“don’t speak like that to them, you may be my assistant but they’re our guest-”

haechan huffs, taking out his phone and making it clear he doesnt care what else is said

the car ride is awkward, johnny chats with his driver and tells you about the client

as haechan’s elbow mercilessly digs into your side - even though there’s totally room for him to move over

when you finally pull up to an office building

you brace yourself for the worse

if this is a client that is interested in the jung’s ,,,, “family” business,,,,then that means it’ll be like what you see in the movies

a big mob boss, cigar smoke, men in black, guns,,,,,,,

but to your surprise it’s none of that

the office is normal, the man who you meet is normal, and there isn’t any sort of weapon or burly bodyguard in sight

“i understand you’re interested in drawing up a contract with jung enterprises - is that correct?”

johnny asks, you are seated beside him - notepad out, ready to take notes

while haechan seemingly thinks the best place is to stand directly behind johnny - eyes locked on the poor client

“yes,,,i wanted to talk to one of the company’s lawyers before i agreed to anything.”

the man explains, passing some sort of document to johnny

the conversation is a typical business conversation - nothing shady, nothing illegal

haechan seems to have had enough, as he’s on his phone now

and you’re trying to take notes before suddenly you hear the man address you

“is this your intern?”

johnny nods, motioning to you

“they’re wonderful. please give them your card so they can contact you on my behalf.”

the man shuffles around his desk and you take the business card he extends with a polite bow

you read it

‘cho kyuhyun’

the meeting ends and as you’re walking out beside johnny, you catch sight of something in the waistband of his suit as he reaches for the elevator

it’s the grip of handgun, and as soon as you see it - you avert your eyes away

now you know why haechan chose to stand where he did

“that guy looked like a total weirdo,,,,”

haechan says when the elevator doors close

“well at least he’s not another one of those goons from the busan gang - remember how messy our last meeting was?”

johnny sighs, turning to you

“im glad you didn’t have to see anything like that”

he smiles and you don’t know why, but your shoulders tense

a mess? like a bloody mess?

haechan doesnt follow you and johnny to the car - he waves his phone and mutters something about having to see jaehyun

“isn’t jaehyun at the office?”

“jaehyun is never at the office, he’s always avoiding his father.”

johnny explains

you look down at the notepad still in your hand,,,,kyuhyun’s card inside of it

“well since haechan has left us, i think we should also find something fun to do!”

johnny leans forward and whispers something to the chauffeur

“wait - we aren’t going to the office?”

you watch as johnny’s smile spreads out on his face

“it’s a beautiful day - let’s not spend it holed up inside~”

you want to protest, to say that you love being inside! but then you remember how johnny had looked

sitting at that computer, shaking

and think that this might be for his own sake - a meaningful distraction

so you force a smile back

the car pulls up infront of what looks like another over decorated, unnecessarily rich store

you follow johnny out, ready to feel completely ostracized among the heavily invested, borderline trying to marry johnny employees

and rich people who can practically smell the poorness on you

but instead of stopping every second to entertain someone, or even acknowledge the people who mid sentence try to greet him

johnny just announces that he’ll be upstairs in the “amour éternel suite ”

you scurry behind him, trying to keep in tune with his long legs as he makes his way up a crescendo staircase

into an open, runway style changing room

you look around the interior

there are couches made of white leather - trays with red roses and bottles of wine paired with crystal glasses

and all of the clothes

are wedding clothes

beautiful, floor sweeping gowns

veils with crystals woven into them

suits made of soft, soft silk

and cases line the wall of glittering, gigantic diamond rings

you feel your throat dry, a sweltering nervousness makes a home in your stomach

as johnny walks past the mannequins, gently running his hand over some of the gowns and suits

till he settles on something he likes

he turns to you, eyes narrowed - scanning you up and down

as you press closer into yourself

suddenly shy and unaware of yourself

“this, put this on.”

he passes you what he’s chosen and you’re almost fearful to touch it

but there’s an insistence in his voice,,,,,that deep prayer like voice you’d only heard once before

who is this johnny? why is he acting like this?

all of these thoughts preoccupy your mind as you change, hands trembling over the expensive garments

your own eyes too scared to face your transformed reflection

“are you ready?”

he asks and you feel so out of place,,,,,so embarrassed

“johnny, why are you making me do this?”

you ask and the sound of your shaking voice seems to rattle itself through johnny

because you hear him get up, walk across the vast room, till you feel him outside of the curtain that seperates you and him

“can i come inside?”

it’s soft, a plea almost

shyly you reach and pull the curtain back

you’re wearing what he’s chosen, even the accessories and when you look up at johnny

you gasp

his cheery expression, always happy and playful smile is gone

replaced with dark, downcast eyes

that seem faraway and pained

his handsome features all highlighted by a look of utter agony

“you look divine”

he says - reaching out, touching the curve of your neck

“tell me, you said you wanted a regular life. a family. i assume you want to get married?”

“i,,,ive thought about it of course, but -”

“so tell me. you want to marry a person you love - not a person who is chosen for you, right?”

your throat closes up on itself

you’re searching johnny’s face for some kind of explanation

what is going on here? what is he talking about? why did he look so terrified last night? what is happening right in front of you that is being kept secret?

“i ,,,,, i want to marry the person i love”

“so do i”

johnny’s hand falls from your neck, to the dip of your waist

gently he pulls you out into the room and before you know it

he’s spinning you around, swaying with you in the silence of the room

he moves your body to his lead

your eyes connected with his

confusion apparent on your face, torment on his

it’s the only time in your life you’ve ever danced with no music

your body completely under the control of the man who leads with such painful elegance

that you can’t help but give in

johnny twirls you around and for a second the whole world is in this room

the eternity of your past, his past, your future, his future

is here

until you make a small mistake, drop a hand from his shoulder and you feel it brush past his waist

past the gun that’s hidden there

it strikes you back into reality and you pull from his hold

johnny lets you, standing there with his head hung low

as you hurry back behind the curtain, throw off the wedding clothes, and put your own back hastily

when you come out, johnny is on the phone

“so he checks out? you haven’t found out who sent me those photos? that’s fine. ok.”

you wait until he’s done

turning around to see you again

“it looked beautiful on you, would you like me to buy i-”

“no.”

johnny takes you home instead of the office

he has the car drop you off and you don’t look back when you go inside

you don’t know why you suddenly feel ,, angry? scared? you don’t know why your head is spinning

you think of johnny’s darkened eyes - an expression you’d never seen before in your life

you ask over and over why he made you put those clothes on. why he asked you about marriage

you ask over and over what is he hiding? what’s the secret?

but there are no answers

there never are with him

and in the morning, you dread seeing him

you dread seeing everyone

but you have to go to work - scared if you stay home jaehyun’s own father will come and collect you

or even worse

johnny will come to your home, exist with his incomprehensible self in the only space that is safe for you

johnny is in his office, and so is kyuhyun

the man you’d met with yesterday

you greet them both and say you’ll go get some coffee started

johnny doesn’t say anything to keep you

and as you’re making the coffee - you nearly let the pot overheat

someone’s hand coming over to put the heat out

“trying to commit arson? you’re interested in being a criminal now?”

you look up to see taeil by your side, trickster grin and all

“will you tell me johnny’s secret?”

he adjusts the tie around his neck, shrugging his shoulders up and down

“he’s guilty of being soft - a hopeless romantic type who’d rather runaway than break a heart.”

you scoff, uncaring of the fact that you’re sure taeil could hurt you if he pleased

but you’re sick of playing guessing games

and not being in the loop

at first you didnt want to know what shady business was going on - but working for johnny had started feeling like a legitimate job

like a trusted boss and intern relationship

and

maybe

in a small way, something more

but you repressed that thought - you just wanted to help johnny

that’s what it really came down to, and right now it felt like that wasn’t possible

you return, brushing past taeil who just laughs as you walk away

to johnny’s office, setting the coffee down

oblivious to the way kyuhyun watches you intently

the two of them talk a bit more as you work on some of the files that need to be organized

before he leaves kyuhyun says goodbye to you

and you turn, his eyes large and dark - staring almost through you

it’s a little weird, but your mind is so cluttered that you don’t care much

you exchange a small bow and then go back to your work

johnny doesnt talk much as usual

he’s actually focused on work

and multiple times leaves the office after being called by the ceo

you try to act normal but it’s hard

and for the next couple of days - there’s just this rift between you two

you waited and waited for johnny’s usual attitude to come back, fo him to greet you with a petname - to touch your back gently as he asked about your morning

but it didn’t happen

he didnt turn cruel or anything - he just,,,,became kind of silent around you

“i cant believe it - but i think you’ve put a curse on johnny.”

doyoung mentions one day

“he isn’t walking around talking up a storm anymore.”

you feel a twinge of sadness in your heart - you didn’t mean it,,,,you dont understand what you did to make johnny like this

so finally you decide that you’re going to confront it

he is a dangerous man - you know this, but you trust he wouldnt hurt you and you want everything to be as it was before

“johnny, can i talk to you?”

you ask on a quiet evening, the rest of the office has already gone for the day and the dim light comes through the windows as the sky turns from bright blue to a yawning grey

he looks up from his computer, eyes tired

“of course”

“i dont know what i said or did,,,,maybe i acted rudely at the store we went to - but i just want to ask if everything is ok?”

johnny listens to your question, then moves a bit forward in his chair

you feel him take your wrist and tug you closer

your eyes glancing to his office door to see if it’s close

“ive been such a scumbag, haven’t i?”

he starts

“i was that one who was rude to you, who dragged you around without a care. you should be mad at me. but there are things,,,,,going on now that are very complicated. ive been wrapped up and have neglected you - but just know that no matter what you do or say,,,,,i will never be upset with you”

his voice is soft and genuine, he tugs you a bit closer but also loosens his hold

lets you decide if he’s too close or not

and for a moment you’re stuck looking at his lips

his gorgeous lips

that those pretty words all come out of and - and you think had it been anyone else in the world

with lips like those, a face like his, you’d have fallen in love like magic

and maybe just a little part of you did

johnny knows where you’re looking - and he reads your mind

he tilts his head and lets his hand come up to move to your neck

pull you down and whisper

“close your eyes”

before he does what you can’t bring yourself to do

and just as you feel his lips brush yours

the door opens

and you jump back like a frightened animal

johnny getting up on impulse to block you from whoever is at the door

but it’s only kyuhyun

you both relax

and think he’s probably just here to drop something off

when suddenly, he pulls something from behind his back

“youngho. you’re coming with me”

you think you must have misheard or misunderstood

youngho? who is that?

but johnny doesnt falter, he just motions with his hand for you to get behind him

“i should have known they would send someone for me.”

“you thought you could escape the arrangement? change your name, fly to korea, and it would all be over?”

kyuhyun smirks, his finger calm on the trigger

his hand extended - lining up a shot that would go point blank through johnny’s heart

“your family wants you back. her family wants your back. you can’t just leave your fiancé like that.”

your blood goes cold

fiancé?

“she knows i dont love her, her parents just want -”

kyuhyun hisses for him to shuttup

he steps closer, then moves the gun over johnny’s shoulder

“this lover of yours - they’re no match to the woman whose waiting back in chicago. dont make me kill them for the sake of your marriage”

you dont dare to breathe, let alone speak

is this johnny’s secret? that he’s escaping a wife back in the states?

your heart churns in pain, but your mind cant believe it

not with the memory of him standing in that changing room

looking at you

“i want to marry the person i love”

“so do i”

with the kind of emotion and empathy that could only exist inside someone who really truly believed that

so whoever this fiancé was,,,,,,she wasn’t in johnny’s heart

if she was you’re sure he’d be there with her

not here in korea

not here

with you

“they’re not my lover-”

“bullshit. you know i have evidence. youngho, who do you think sent you that photo?”

your mind flashes back to that night where you’d seen johnny alone in his office

“who do you think wrote that letter? i warned you that id come and get you. and if i had to kill the person you were sleeping with - parading out on the town with like some unmarried man - i would. no hesitation.”

kyuhyun’s voice is cold

his expression stoic, beside the smirk that comes when johnny doesnt answer right away

“nothing to say? just step aside, get your things, and come with me to america. ill even let your little pet run off alive.”

you begin to panic, frightened that

one) johnny would leave - abandon the jungs and his life here and two) that when he did - you’d still be hunted down, unprotected with him gone

but johnny doesnt have any plan to give in

not even when he’s unarmed - a gun pointed in his direction

he instead turns around, facing you and smiles

“remember when i said i was happy you never got to see things get messy?”

you are frozen in place - but manage a tiny nod

“well, baby it’s going to get messy so please forgive me in advance.”

with that he turns, steps forward and right as you see kyuhyun’s hand squeeze over the trigger

with one swift movement and shout

johnny orders you to run - as he squats down, one long leg coming to roundhouse kick kyuhyun off his balance

a shot goes off, but just as it does the gun comes flying out of kyuhyun’s hands by the stun kick

you run to duck under the desk, but see the gun go skidding across the office floor

it lands only a couple of feet from you

you can hear kyuhyun shout - but johnny throws his weight forward, keeping kyuhyun pinned to the ground

he lifts his hand up to land a fist into his chest

and you - scared out of your mind - think this could be your only chance

you dart out, reaching for the gun

kyuhyun manages to land a hard blow into johnny’s jaw with his elbow

and throw him off

he comes barreling toward the gun, but you get it first

and before he can grit his teeth, grab you by the collar

he’s being pulled back, johnny’s arms wrapped around his torso as he stops him from getting close

“GET OUT OF HERE!”

johnny yells and you dash for the door, your adrenaline pumping high in your ears

but then you stop

“what about you-”

johnny throws kyuhyun down, getting back ontop with his hand pulled back

he doesnt answer - but you can see the pure power almost radiating off of him

scared to leave him on his own like this, but sure he can hold his own

you dash down the stairs, screaming for mark, jungwoo, doyoung, jaehyun - anyone

until it’s haechan who rushes past you

“it’s johnn-”

you start, but he seems to know

“im his assistant, i can tell somethings up.”

and with that he’s flown by you like the wind, up the stairs to the offices

you stand - hands shaking with the gun in them

the image of johnny’s bruised face, his broad shoulders shaking - this time with anger and strength as it broke free from his body

a moment or two later, it’s taeil who finds you with the gun

he grabs it from your hands and doesnt offer any comfort or words

he just looks at you

“still want to be around johnny?”

there’s no ambulance called, no police - obviously - but you hear something about kyuhyun being dragged up to face the ceo

and that finally

when you can go back upstairs as well

johnny is seated in a chair, ice on his swelling jaw

dried blood on the corner of his mouth, his hair a mess and sweat soaked through his shirt

when he sees you - he tries to smile, say that he’s happy you’re safe

but you just fall on your knees infront of him

sobbing against his knee

“i thought he’d hurt you- that if i left he’d really take you back and i would never see you ag-”

you feel his hand in your hair, petting it softly

till you look up and johnny motions for you to stand

you do and he pulls you between his legs

“im not leaving. it’s true, i left america and changed my name to get out of an arrange marriage but that’s because i had no choice. it was marry her or die. and im not the kind of man who can marry someone who he doesnt love”

“see, hopeless romantic like i said”

taeil chirps from somewhere

but you don’t care or notice the rest of the room

you just see johnny, not youngho not the ‘mysterious past’ johnny

you see the johnny

who so dearly cared for you - distracted you from all of your life’s troubles

when his own was all upside down

“was kyuhyun-”

“he was sent to kidnap me. he was sending me photos of us,,,claiming he knew we were longtime lovers. im sorry you had to get involve-”

you lean in, careful of his swelling to pull johnny into a hug

he chuckles against your ear and lets his hands wrap around your waist

“i know you said we werent to kyuhyun - but i would be honored to be the person you one day call your lover”

you whisper, without really thinking, to johnny

low enough for him to only hear

and it’s as if your heart has talked for the first time

and johnny only squeezes you closer

“should i call you lover instead of baby from now on?”

he mumbles and presses a kiss to the side of your skin

which makes you pull back, embarrassed to do this with others in the room

but the rest of the group just seems to look as if they’ve expected this to happen

haechan does a gagging motion with his hand, which you see has also taken a couple of beatings

you thank him later for helping johnny - only to be answered with a

“just because you’re with him doesnt mean i have to like you too,,,,,,,but it was ballsy of you to grab a gun like that!”

the rest of the night, after johnny is driven home and insists that you stay over too

just to “nurse” his bruises

you find yourself for the first time since the fight alone with him

the first time since you two kissed alone with him

and you listen to johnny’s story

escaping america, begging his parents not to force him to marry

and you realize that’s why he took you to that store

johnny, like any normal person, had fantasies about his wedding day

about the person he would love

his family was doing its best to ensure he wouldnt get that - that he’d dread his wedding day - a scam, to be with a person who you dont love

you wonder to yourself

did he go there a lot alone - to that store

look at the gowns, the tuxs, and wish he could have a chance to be regular

johnny kisses you a lot that night, says something about how he’s never got the chance to do it with someone he really truly felt something for

and how it all tasted sweeter - felt warmer

until you curled up close with him and asked gently

“are there any other secrets you have?”

he breathed out

“all my secrets,,,,,,you know them now ,,,,, and i promise to never hide a thing from you again”

the words make your heart feel as if it’s going to rip through your chest - because they’re so sincere

they sound like wedding vows

“ill tell you everything too”

you reply, closing your eyes and letting johnny lightly trace his fingers over your neck

the hairs on your skin stand up from the touch and you let his hand go further downwards

his lips kiss where his fingers have been

and you hear it against your skin through the hazey feeling that starts to fog your brain with pleasure

“baby, im yours and you are mine”

the next morning you come into the office and when taeil tilts his head and asks why you’re wearing a turtleneck

you tell him,,,,,,it’s a secret

#nct scenarios #nct imagines #nct au #nct 127 scenarios #nct 127 imagines #nct 127 au #johnny scenarios #johnny imagines #johnny au #regular au #nct #johnny #seo youngho #uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh who wrote this .......it wasnt me..............#weapons/#blood/

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kaiju-z · 5 years

Photo

FINALLY back on track, after a month and a half of stuff getting in our way, but here we are with session 20!!!

Seon Adventures Episode 20: Going Solo...

With the passing of the night, comes the light of day.

The trio of Belli, Luctan and Mournimar awake alongside Morgan and the elf baby with notably Amelia, Archie, Burk and Rimefang missing. Luctan does elaborate where Amelia had gone, though it gets missed in the confusion when everyone wonders what happened with Burk.

Thinking quickly on her feet, Belli sends a message to Burk to check where he is. But all he answers with is that Rimefang’s fine, don’t know where Amelia is.”

As Luctan fixes the baby up for the day, packing him like a little baby burrito (a babitto, if you will), the remaining bunch go upstairs, while Belli gives a call to Amelia. Amelia, who had been having the most wonderful of sleeps she has had since a long while.

“No.”

Belli sends her a message again with a whistle.

“No. Just no.”

Luctan has to repeat himself on where Amelia actually is, much to the amusement of the adopted duo.

As they climb up the stairs, everything seems normal and as expected from the previous night, people coming and going, welcomed and- And the party for some reason get approached by a very confused human, wearing the robes of the temple of Keemis.

Brunette, with an undercut, in his 30′s, scars on his arms and face, the kind man delivers a letter to the bunch, asking if they’re the Cultbusters.

“Are you the Cultbusters?”

“Depends on who’s asking?”- Belli.

“3 of them!”- Mournimar.

After a brief sibling argument about just up and telling people their identities, the man elaborates that the letter is written by Burk. Or. Well, he helped Burk write that letter for the party.

Mournimar is the one to read it to everyone else. All lower case, a lot of the words are misspelled.

“ hi. this is from burk. i am leaving now. ive been thinking and i think i do not need to be here anymore. i found one of the guys i was looking for and it was really easy and no ofense but i was hoping for cold hard killers and u r not. but you were all realy nice to me, nicer than any one has before so i am going to miss all of u very much. rimefang is coming with me because hes too cool for u. also i think hes geting bigger cause he started sheding or some thing i dont know. i left some scales for u, and ur share of the gold. there is a lot of stuff i wana go do and i feel bad draging u guys with me so i gotta go do it my self. but i want u all to know im not just going to kill people for me. i am doing stuff for u. For amelia and luc i am going to come back and we are gona have the best fight ever and learn a lot. For beli i am going to steal the biggest shinyest kazoo i can find. For morni i will stop punching wolfs and also be nicer to weird animals i find in the forest. u were all very nice and good with peeple and not good at vilence, and thats a good thing. but i dont fit in. bye for a while

burk “

The trio are devastated. Belli is the most vocal, with Mournimar having to calm her down, while Luctan stands stoically, with the baby in his arm.

Burk left.

It’s heart breaking.

It’s heart breaking and the cleric tries to cast Calm Emotions on the lot of them to try and soothe their woes. Mournimar fails his save, Luctan doesn’t even try and Belli tanks that and starts shouting at him for imposing his magic on them, without their consent.

“Don’t you fucking dare try and tell me what to fucking feel.” - She is emotion personified.

When things calm down, Luctan apologizes and asks for the messenger’s name.

“ My name is Malak. I am a Devotee of Keemis. I’ve been living here in this temple for a few years.” He had heard of the Cultbusters’ reputation and found interest and want to join them on their questing, seeing as they’ve stirred some cults out of their comfort.

Thrown them out of their rhythm, if you will.

He is accepted, Belli referring to him as their “intern” for now and, with introductions made, and Malak gathering his equipment, the bunch of them take to the last tavern they had gone to for breakfast and meeting back up with Amelia.

Amelia waits for them there. Nel had spoken to her about how she managed to get her mother to agree on leaving town for a while with the help of a family friend. And she had made some sort of offer to Amelia.

The group are again together at the tavern and introduce Malak. Amelia and Malak shake hands as a distraught Belli pays the tavern keeper to go and work the kitchen for a while.

Amelia encourages her. “The fact he wrote us a letter means he cared about The Cultbusters.” She gently holds Belli’s arm, ‘cause Belli’s abandonment issues have kicked in hard.

There’s stress baking and then there’s stress cooking. And Belli does this handily. And she makes... so much food! 1st, second, third Breakfasts, if those were actual things, of course.

“It’ll be alright. He had to do what he had to do.”

As Belli comes and goes with increasingly more and more plates of food, we end up talking about the baby and his future. The little elven boy keeps tugging at Luctan’s hair, fussing at him and getting fussed at.

A few suggestions get made. From Malak’s suggestion to raise the child in the orphanage, to the talk with Nel the other day, involving handing him over to a rich family.

The decision is hard to make. Whether he likes it or not, Luctan’s attached himself to the little one, but he knows he can’t keep him with the party as dangers keep increasing on their journey. He had been having waking flashes back to every incident since the child was with them and how scared he was from the screams and roars and hurts and aches.

He couldn’t let the baby travel with them further. He knew what he was going to do, regardless of where the baby went, but still.

Amelia catches up with Malak on his Keemis Clergy work.

He’s been at this for 5-6 years or so. He heard about the party after the CB helped arrest the local cultists. He’s fascinated by souls and how they transition, based on their alignment. He’s searching for an answer to this question. Basically, he’s looking for research.

Amelia asks where he’s from.

“I’m from Lian. It is not a good place to raise a kid and I left home, got a lot of people from my home town killed. We wanted to leave, thought we’d make our own band of soldiers to fight in the war and I’m the only one left. And so I try to find some meaning in the senseless death and resurrection and ended up meeting some Keemis priests. Fell in with them and came up here.”

The gang try to cheer him up about his backstory woes and some end up sharing their own troubles. Mournimar does so. Luctan gives away the shocker that his family owned slaves and that triggered his sense of aiding those in need, freeing the captive ones and fleeing via teleport scroll. And lastly Belli tells the tragic story of her family.

Doting on the baby commences, while Mournimar gives Malak some pointers on the shenanigans he is up for with Belli, now that he is part of the group.

Following their hefty meal, Mournimar gets his new armor. Better fitted than his previous one. Since he found it in the barracks??? This one is more custom. Studded Leather, which raises his AC + 1

Going back on forth on where to go next, during this tragic shopping episode, Belli shares Burk’s treasures with the cleric, seeing as he had left them for the rest.

Before anything can be really bought, though, aside of the meals, we go for the payment on the Serial Kilelr job.

As the party draw closer to the dungeons, Mournimar suggests Belli let Luctan talk, which offends Belli, who gets encouragement from Luck and Malak that she’ll do great. Malak ingretiating himself by casting Guidance and Enhance Ability on the Half-Orc Bard, right before she approaches the receptionists, an older Half-Elf man and a yellow tiefling.

“Now is the time to prove them wrong.”

The conversation is quick and Belli shines during this process. We are thanked, the lot of us, for the work we did and are pointed to the office of the Captain in charge.

While walking, we get a few pointers on places to visit around town.

Generally South-West of the city is a good night’s time.” the HElf answers Amelia. Though, uh, he wouldn’t know personally. Definitely.

We walk down to the office, knock on the door before walking in.

We are welcomed in by the Halfling woman inside. She’s dressed well for her job. Not exactly the outfit one would expect for prison duty, but then again, they didn’t have a good idea on that, themselves. Blue eyes observe us warmly and kindly, through a wavy bob haircut, while she fiddles with the cuff of one of her sleeves. Her office is bare, maybe she’s new, maybe it’s how she likes it.

She kind of looks everyone up and down. “I’m guessing you’re the folks we’ve been expecting, huh?”

The party apologize as they didn’t have a proper schedule in mind and the thought is shared vice-versa as it just... Really was like that sometimes? Often times?! A lot. It happened a lot.

For finding the hide out of the slayer of cityfolk, for convincing his husband to give himself up and testify about his beloved, the ‘busters gain a monetary reward. As she pulls out a big chest on the table, Belli tries to convince her to unionise. To some possible success? She certainly seems curious about the suggestion itself.

Ames kinda looks her up and down and gives a smol little thumbs up

She’s a valuable worker, she’s worth more.

On behalf of the city of Crystalgate, thank you for all of your efforst in intervening with the issue. The culprits have been dealt with.” Much to the four original members’ surprise, the husband has been released, having promissedto turn over a new leaf.

Luctan would later ask the captain, who introduced herself to the five as River Blackbrace (Just River), where he could find the husband and, after ensuring her that he planned no ill will towards the man, she guesses he’d be back in town or at one of the temples.

The woman feels like rewarding us with more, since this isn’t her gold, yeah? Lots of paperwork time prevented. The five are given suggestions on places to go and spend our money. Between " Neladrie's Rarities” and “Snipper’s Hall’, the clothing store of Grinella, they have some good options on their way.

Grinella is the best at her work, as far as River’s concerned.

Before they go, we mention to River that we plan on participating in the Spring Festival’s tournament.

River mentions that it was originally created as a celebration of the heroes Septum Sabata. It’s a series of trials re-creating what they went through to save everyone. Malak has watched it a few times and things happening around the arena a few good times. He’s the local CG expert.

And if they really feel down, there’s also a place... a-a-

Café where they summon fae animals.

And should they need a good book, there’s a library in the north east. “The Lady Stormweaver National Library.” The conversation about books prompts Luctan to show off the “Handerstaad” he got from Sa Doma.

And River spills the tea that Kheyha is a local. And has spent some time in the dungeons for her alcoholism antics. (Never meet your heroes, kids.)

They are suggested to stay away from the Ebryosis followers. Best leave those kinky fellas to their own “dungeons”.

As they walk walk to the clothes and magical trinkets shops, Mournimar has a heart to heart with Belli, apologizing for his behavior. While Luctan checks the money with Malak. The sibs hug it out, while the money is counted and distributed amongst all of them, even as Malak protests some.

There’s a faint tingle of wind chimes as the five go to one of the most eclectic collections of goods of various kinds we’ve ever seen. Sort of an order to it, anyways. A rainbow pattern across the show. Vaguely arranged in no particular order. Pretty much everything’s in a different size and shape.

A high elven woman, Neladrie, sits in a tall stool behind a desk, very long hair. She glances vaguely at us and has a monocular on.

Good morning. Feel free to look around. Please be aware you’re being watched, so don’t get any funny ideas. And Welcome.” She points at her watchful little pseudodragon, watching from the rafters.

Belli uses mage hand to pat the dragon.

She knows she’s a good gorl.

The search commences as each member of the party search foritems with some help of the shopkeeper.

Malak gains supplies for his Divination magic, including dragon bones.

Mournimar tries and fails to find anything that could enhance his wisdom.

Amelia gets her hands on some lovely sea shells.

Luctan gets helped with finding a focus for his recently developed magical abilities. A small purple crystal.

All the while Belli takes her pick, between some wild musical instruments.

There is an holy banjo with all the gods’ symbols.

There’s a great axe with a wider handle. A didgerydeath, if you will.

And also, what appears to be a kazoo 2. One sort of kazoo entrance and branches out into different sights. It’s like if a kazoo had different pitches.

There’s also a set of bagpipes.

And last, but not least, an ukulele of sorts. Upon testing it, the ukulute sounds like a spannish guitar, almost.

Ostentatious is her brand and after testing all the instruments, she agrees to buy the ukulute.

With purchases made, the gang take the next step of their journey, going to the “Snipper’s Hall”, where they meet the one and only Grindelia Snipper. A Goblin Woman, standing atop a 7ft tall step ladder, measuring a tall model with her arm tattoo.

“OH! Welcome!”

"Snipper’s Hall” is a long building, like a miniature Viking lounge house, with elements of stone to keep it stable. There is a wide variety of different sort of premade outfits, models of different heights going from 4.5 to 8ft tall... And. There’s a jewelry section.

After a greeting, the party make their requests and orders in a friendly sort of manner. Mournimar buys a jacket and a stag brooch, Belli gets herself a new, lovely outfit, a dress of blue and pink, as well as a canine bracelet. Malak’s fine as he is and Amelia is left uncertain with what to purchase.

Upon Luctan’s request... A custom outfit which’ll take a few days to put together, the poor secret Tieflingman gets handled with amazing strength and tenacity by the spunky and overly friendly goblin woman, who measures him nice and well with her arm and finger, taking his numbers with keen eyes, even with his armor still on.

He can’t be sure why, but the very suggestion she’s sent people to get treatment over the roughhousing sends a chill down his spine. The elf baby just has a blast during the entire developement.

Business transaction made, the next stop is “Peppery Pete’s Pile of Potions.”

Belli is still angry with the old gnome, over his potions involving Orcish strength, given the negative stereotype about Orcish intelligence lowering the user’s titular stat.

A stern talking to is to be had, before any dealings get made there.

Along the way to the shop, Luctan asks Malak if he knows anything about the tournament, beyond what the party had heard and he shares his knowledge with the gang:

“The Tournament is divided into three trials The Trial of the Elemental Lords, the Trial of the Beast and the Trial of the Betrayed.

The Trial of the Elemental Lords involves the blending of the elements being worked into a challenge that teams must overcome together.

The Trial of the Beast involves fighting a mighty beast that establishes victors as a cut above the rest.

The Trial of the Betrayed is the grand finale, the remaining 2 groups battle it out. But there are clerics on standby. You cannot aim to kill, just to knock unconscious. Any deliberate murder would be acted upon as such in a court of lawAfter the tournament, a party is held for all groups within the Echosmith Hall and the champions are presented with their rewards.”

Luctan’s mind wanders. Things to be re-worked in his goals.

The lot of them soon reach the shop and, upon summoning Pete inside, welcomes are had. Arguing commences between the Half-Orc and the Gnome as Pete ultimately admits that he stopped producing the particualr offending potion, much to the losses in his product.

Ideas are being thrown around on potions Pete could work on in turn, before any business could be had, involving the party’s wants and needs.

Aside from getting a Greater Health Potion and a new Potion of Wizard’s Folly (after giving his first one to Danton back in Sa Doma), the party have... particular requests.

Belli takes note of the “ Basilisk Tears “ potion. For 200 gold, she most definitely buys that and makes plans. Fast plans on the use.

On Luctan’s end, with the deal being made for Peter sponsoring the adventurers for the tournament to come, Luctan gives in to the support of the full party, now that they are all in the shop, as opposed to only half there. With the price for his sword’s modification being brought down to 1,000 gold and the helping hand of Mournimar, Amelia and Malak, who didn’t even want the share of money given to him, Luctan accets.

And hands his greatsword over to the gnome for the specific enchantments he requested.

Belli has that moment of realization, you know? The one, where you just know that you have to move, while the moving is available and contacts Ficus about the Potion of Basilisk Tears, a concoction that might JUST bring her family back to their old selves!

With the party’s blessings, she runs off towards the Crusty Challice, where Ficus will wait for her.

But she doesn’t go alone as Mournimar tails her, just to make sure she doesn’t get messed with, before getting to her older brother. All the while the rest of the group are welcomed to the back of the shop by Pete for training.

As the work out commences, Mournimar follows. And as he follows, he keeps an eye out for anyone shady that might be watching Belli on her way out of the walls of the city.

He doesn’t see anyone. But gets the feeling that he is watched. He investigates that feeling. He notices that someone in the crowd is watching him. Seems to be, looks like a bald older man, stocky built, little bit tall and for a second the tiefling swears there's the faint glimmer of horns in his shadow, but then they disappear. As does he as Mournimar tries to find him in the crowd. To no avail.

Regardless, he continues on the path to the tavern.

There’s a bit of a smog in the tavern as people’ve lit cigarettes and pipes. Belli and Ficus have a good long talk as she shows him the potion of Basilisk tears. They are shaken, misty eyed and anxious to see if it works. This horror that befell their family... It could end in the next couple of days!

By the time she hugs Ficus, Mournimar has entered the tavern and commenced watching over the shadyness that may be observed from the patrons.

Which is to say, he’s basically looking through a sea of shade.

He does notice, though, one of the bartenders has a sort of, finely shaped jaw and stood up black hair, a bit of stubble and seems to be watching Mournimar a bit more intently than normal.

Mournimar tries to stealth closer to the guy, even though he’s aware. He tries to figure out who the guy is, but he has no idea.

Eye contact is made between the two as the guy slides a glass with Brandy over to Mournimar and just continues with his work behind the bar.

Mourni has a leetl sip to make sure everything’s Gucci. Tastes like some of the brandy from around Bavorum. Nostalgic.

Through some small talk, Mournimar learns that the man’s name is “Joe”. Just a working Joe, you know?

It’s less of a talk and more of an interrogation as they don’t break eye contact.

“The brandy’s on the house, Mournimar.” the man answers with the name that the tiefling hadn’t given him. Like. At all.

No answer given on how he knows that.

He backs out the back door with a wink and Mournimar follows after her.

There’s no way the Half-Orcs don’t see this by now and they dash and jump on after the digitigrade ranger, who finds himself and Morgan out in the back alley, with no sign of the mystery man, named Joe.

He tries everything he can, from following tracks, to Hunter’s Mark, to Morgan’s snoofer, but nothing works. The man is just... gone.

With the Narahs catching up to him, he explains what happened and has to be talked down from pointlessly searching for a man, or whoever, who is just “GONE”.

It is then that Belli must explain to him that she has to leave Crystalgate with Ficus. To try the potion on her family. It’s hard on Mournimar, but the frazzled tiefling understands.

Belli hands him Orion and states that, if anything is to happen, she’ll call the others. They then agree to meet up with the others for a proper goodbye.

The others, by the way, doing pretty well for themselves in this new enviroment.

A deal has been made that every time Amelia does good in the training, Archie gets a treat.

Given that the chunky kitty is on his back, getting pats on his big belly from the baby, she’s killed this training.

The entire development has left the running quartet staggering back to the rest of the party. Mournimar doesn’t spot anything off on the way back.

As everyone reconvenes, Mournimar gives them an update on the respective situations, giving in detail a description of this “Joe” character. He worries it could be related to Lazarus, his ex. Or Kahlia. Or Potencia herself. He gets calmed by Luctan’s wording on the subject.

“We’re a bunch of famous and attractive people. Let’s face it. we have fans.”

As the party splits up, with Belli making her goodbyes with the rest of the gang, Luctan Blesses her and Ficus, which catches Malak’s attention. Thinking about the type of magic being used, he can tell that, though holy, it is not one of the Five that has given Luctan his abilities.

With Belli and Ficus taking Kevin and Killer, the rest of the party opt to go to the circus on the outskirts of town.

“The Voluptani Mystique “, a big tent circus in the north-west part of town’s outskirts. It’s fabulous on the outside.

They pay and notice at the entrance, a red skinned tiefling woman with a long, ball gown dress, leaning against the booth she stood inside and she waves a hand over and leaves a small mark with Prestidigitation.

Lead inside, it’s basically how you imagine a circus. An arena with seats around the circle. The four and their animal companions take a seat at the front as the Dancing Lights Cantrip flies around the tent, lighting and highlighting everything and everyone gathered, people of many walks of life. Just here for a little show to end the evening.

A cloud of smoke emits from the middle and the huge entrance of the tent swings shut.

Inside the cloud the lights start hovering, we can see the lights start changing color and go in different directions, erratic and suddenly there are hops from around the room where everyone’s sitting. And back in the middle, when they look, they see a high elf woman with pitch black hair falling long and wavy towards the bottom.

She stands with one hand in the air and one hand spread outwards towards the side. She pauses, looks around the audience and she whistles three high pitched notes. She snaps with her pointing up hand and the lights skatter, going right towards the audience. The cloud disappears and in the time it was there, the original woman is gone and there are two halflings, a man and a woman and they start doing all sorts of contortions. They entwine and roll in a ball. Throughout the whole show there is this almost hypnotic flute music. Pyrotechnic displays and after each one, there is a set of three elven dancer,s almost dangerously close as they maneuver around. Really fucking weird. A whole lot of illusion magic is happening here.

At one point the elven dancers starts flying around and Mallak, being a local, has seen this before.

After 3 hours of this weird bewhildering performance the entire room lights up and it’s completely clear and the original high elf woman, who’s actually an eladrin, is still in that same pose as when things started.

And she says “Thank you all once again, as always, please leave your tips with faith on the way out and thank you. She snaps with fingers and purple energy surrounds her as she leaves.

Bewhildered and amazed, Mournimar kinda wants to give this a go. Run away and joy the circus? Follow your dream, bud!

Having been in Crystalgate for a few years now, Malak had abided in a few viewings of the spectacle and, though it’s often with some modifications, it’s generlaly been the same good experience over time. He’s happy.

Amelia shares with the gang about the possibility of hanging out at Nel’s for a few days. As though there was any question on whether they would say “no” to such an offer.

As the night covers the sky above Crystalgate, the party find themselves again at the rich sector of town, being watched by a guard. Nel arrives at the gate, red faced after messaging Amelia. She forgot to give her a badge and was now paying the price with the run she had to make.

Sadly, though a talented bard, Nel has the muscle content of a slug.

The party soon make it back to Shadowspire Manner, lead by Nel, after introducing Mal to the Half-Elven woman and sharing of Burk’s departure.

They are shown around. the rooms, the kitchen, everything they’d need, before she takes Amelia’s hand and leads her to her room. Nel’s room. She is the body guard and she must guard that body.

Mournimar and Malak opt to crash in Luctan’s room for the evening, deciding not to split the party any further than this.

Luctan watches out of a window for about an hour, while humming to the baby, before going to bed.

As Mournimar and Malak sleep, Mournimar has some kind of dream...

But Luctan doesn’t sleep.

No.

Instead, once he’s sure the others have fallen in rem sleep, he sneaks outside and goes for a short walk around the neighbourhood, doing whatever it is that he does at this time.

After coming back in, 5-10-20-to-30 minutes later, he feels the hairs on the back of his neck stand up and notices a shadow close to Mournimar, with no one casting it.

Then it disappears.

After investigating out the window, Luctan goes to bed and meditates... on something else.....

Day 2 comes to an end.

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friendshipcampaign · 5 years

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Session Recap 6/30/19: Stormcrows and Swords

When the party all awoke that morning, there were messages waiting for them from the Gatekeepers in the Infinite Library.

Kriv, who had asked about the Three of Eyes and the DPL, received a message from Hubris that read:

theyre a nasty piece of work. most demon cultists are seeking power or influence, even if theyve decided the best way to accomplish that is bloody destruction. but the three of eyes seek nothing less than the total domination of the abyss over the prime material plane and everything it touches. they dont worship one of the lords. they worship the abyss itself. weve always been able to stop them because theyre inherently unstable semicolon the most revered members are those so fluent in abyssal that they have experienced the third dark letter, enabling them to hear the whispers of the abyss unfiltered. But no mortal mind or body can withstand that for long, so theyre more likely to go out in a blaze of demonic glory than to hatch any real longterm plans. lucky for us exclamation point. keep your eyes open.

heard from a and p that youre in veritas. the cult is most likely trying to take advantage of the instability from the breach to open a new portal. theyd need some powerful demons for that, or an alkilith that hastens the formation of abyssal breaches. well be watching for problems in the area, but theres enough residual abyssal energy that its hard to get a clear picture. re the goddess, ill do some digging. im familiar with the symbolism but not whether the deity has been identified.

re the dpl. weve met them. they like alembic. they dont like me at all exclamation point. better to avoid them unless theres an emergency.

best, hubris

Erwyn had asked Alembic and Palava about their experiences in Veritas the months prior and also received a message back, reading:

dear erwyn,

we are always happy to help how we can. the breach in veritas was to an uncatalogued layer of the abyss. so, on the one hand, we can only tell you what we saw, but on the other hand what we saw is as much as anyone knows.

the creature that came through was vast and amorphous, not really an ooze but something like a huge, growing slab of purplish muscle. it gave off a poison that made anyone exposed to it laugh uncontrollably. if theres any of that still around remember that it is a poison, not a magical effect, so be smarter than me and invest in a mask.

the weird thing about this creature, and the one that makes it particularly dangerous to the prime material plane, is that it could grow more demons. At first we thought there were reinforcements coming through the portal, but they kept showing up even after alembic closed the breach, and then we found some that were halfformed, embedded in strange growths in its body. those new demons always grew in circles around a clear pod where it held some person or animal it had trapped, and it seemed to be using its captives as some kind of inspiration. the demons it grew from them were a similar size and shape. its possible it needed living captives. when we broke the clear pods the people inside were all right as long as there was healing on hand, so we saved a dozen or so humanoids and a dog.

now, we did our level best to wipe it out for good. couldnt see hide nor hair of it when we were done, and the demonology prevention league was planning on keeping watch on the area in case it found a way to come back. at this point were most concerned about some cultist locating the layer and summoning themselves an endless supply of demons so were all trying to keep the details under wraps. i wouldnt be unduly worried, but do keep your eyes out and let us know if you find anything stranger than expected.

be careful and stay in touch,

alembic and palava

And finally, Ditto, who had asked a more complex question, received back:

i will look exclamation point. nothing that is immediately accessible but thats what research is for exclamation point exclamation point exclamation point.

cheerio,

hubris

To start out their investigations for the day, the group followed Tiktik to the place they had seen the demon disappear inside the previous night. The building was on Needle Row, where the tailors’ and cloth merchants’ shops were, but was itself a boarded-up warehouse. There was a shop next to it, however, which the group decided to check out to see if they could notice anything odd. They entered on the pretense that Amaranth needed her coat repaired a bit and Voski suggested checking out the “finer” wares along the walls -- though it took Erwyn a second to catch on to her actual meaning and she had to steer him gently inside.

The tailor who owned the place was a half-orc with two assistants, a halfling and a goblin. He became very engaged talking to Amaranth about her coat repair. Voski also took the opportunity to scout out some nice prints, for inspiration. With the tailor occupied, Erwyn approached the wall nearest the warehouse on the other side and cast Detect Magic -- but it set off one of his Wild Magic surges, causing a swarm of dusky blue butterflies with silver eyes to manifest inside the store.

The goblin assistant muttered under her breath and Kriv apologized, recognizing the word for “adventurer.”

Some of the party and the shop workers both attempted to shoo the butterflies out the door. After a minute though, they all vanished. While Erwyn was mortified, he stayed silent, hoping to still glean some information from his spell. He managed to detect both faint Abjuration and Divination spells from the other side of the wall, as well as a magical effect on one of the tailor’s needles.

Once she noted Erwyn had finished his investigation, Amaranth swiftly told the tailor they were late for a thing and had to run, taking her coat with her. The party all shuffled outside and Erwyn explained what he had noticed.

The party next headed to the address Amaranth had been given by the orc woman she’d spoken to at the bar the night before, hoping to get a glimpse of the Obsidian Shard drop point. It seemed to be a laundry, which was in line with the instructions Amaranth had been given about dropping off something needing mending to contact them. She also noted a beggar’s mark that signified the place as off-limits for thieves, and an unfamiliar narrow diamond shape drawn in black. Unable to spot any unusual activity in the area at this time, the party moved along.

As they headed towards the office of the private investigator Squall had hired previously, it became clear they were entering the poorer part of town. The building itself was very run-down, with a big sign out front that read “Eckjeth Investigations” and an oil lamp visible inside. Eckjeth poked her head out to greet them. She was a half-elf with pointy face and twitchy ears, whose hair was braided in a faux-elven style that had clearly been done about three days ago. She let them inside and revealed an office with cases of showy books covered in dust, and boxes packed full of tinctures that were shoved to the sides in an attempt to make them less obvious.

She invited the party to sit, but most of them refrained. Amaranth pulled a chair over and turned it around, sitting on it backwards. Ditto sat on the desk. Before getting into the conversation, Eckjeth poured herself a drink and added one of the tinctures to it, looking genuinely relieved as she did so. She asked what they were here for and seemed annoyed when they said they were looking for Quest, snapping that missing persons cases were a lesson in futility in Veritas right now. She admitted that when she’d gone to the Stormcrows they couldn’t confirm that Quest was dead, since Eckjeth didn’t know her personally, but it seemed clear that this was her assumption.

Interestingly, the case seemed to be less on Eckjeth’s mind than other things. She looked to be extremely stressed and tired. When the group asked about this she admitted her desire to get out of the city, since it seemed like there was nothing the common people of the city could do about the Abyssal influences lingering since the incursion. Voski then asked her about the tincture she’d put in her drink and Eckjeth stiffened -- it seemed she had a sort of love-hate relationship with the things.

Eckjeth told the group that the tinctures had been brought to the city by a wealthy philanthropist named Karin Mordechai, who would come to the city sometimes and do spontaneous demonstrations, professing their virtues and how they could keep the public safe from the effects of the breach. Eckjeth said she was based somewhere east of Veritas, so while she rented a place in the city during her visits she wasn’t around often, and would sometimes teleport in thanks to a wizard in her employ. Apparently Karin was also planning on attending the upcoming Guildhall Gala, though she had managed to receive special dispensation privileges from the guilds so that people selling the tinctures didn’t need memberships to operate.

When asked what the tinctures were made out of, Eckjeth informed the party they were made outside of the city, since Veritas was too “unstable,” out of materials straight from the elemental planes. Kriv asked if she had been feeling alright and if he could cast a spell to check up on her and she agreed. When he cast Detect Poison and Disease, he picked up on something similar to what he’d detected on Clarity the other night. Eckjeth tried to pitch the tinctures to them and Erwyn tentatively bought one of them, hoping to investigate it later. Eckjeth also gave the party her investigation notes, which started out more organized and grew increasingly more scrawled.

The detective also let them know about a member of the lamplighter’s guild, Deveron Wick, who had been at the guildhouse the night of Quest’s disappearance and said he had seen her briefly, but had offered no additional information. Additionally, she shared her notes on the outfit Quest had last worn as well as the blades she’d had on her -- a sort of “rescue” enchanted sword that was anxious around others, called Stív, and two fae daggers, one affiliated with fire and the other with ice, that could be used to find each other. Kriv offered Eckjeth a few gold as a tip for the information, subtly using Lay on Hands to heal a bit her as he handed them over.

Deciding to talk to the Stormcrows next, the party headed to the temporary temple to the Raven Queen set up near the exclusion zone. When they arrived, one of the raven-masked clerics was talking to a member of the city watch outside, saying they hadn’t been expecting difficulties today. An acolyte greeted them inside, but Erwyn and Voski both noted a lock on the door leading to the morgue that had apparently been blasted open, and what seemed to be signs of some kind of magical altercation.

When Voski inquired about what had happened, the acolyte explained that there had been an incident -- though they assured the group it hadn’t involved necromancy. They quickly switched subjects to ask the group what they were here for, and Amaranth asked if they could confirm whether or not Quest was still alive. When she said she was asking as a friend, the acolyte lead them to a back chamber. Sitting inside was a kenku with magpie plumage, who also wore a leather raven mask and a small, black leather crown. Her mask reached over her beak and seemed to have buckles that could close it shut. The acolyte introduced her as Susurrus, the Crowned Crow.

After Amaranth described Quest, the crowned cleric lit a bowl of incense in front of her and breathed in the smoke before raising her head, waiting for a moment, extremely still. She then lowered it and turned to the acolyte who had brought them in, signing a message. The acolyte informed the party that she said no one of Quest’s description had passed through the Astral Plane yet. They clarified that this wasn’t a sure sign she was among the living, but still meant it was likely.

As they left the chamber, Ditto asked more about what had happened in the morgue. The acolyte, apparently too unnerved by the events to remain secretive a second time, answered her in a hushed whisper. They said a group of individuals had used Feign Death to disguise themselves as corpses to get into the morgue, then escaped with three bodies that the clerics had been told to keep safe using Gentle Repose so that the Watch could return to cast Speak With Dead and complete an interrogation. The watch and DPL were apparently both very upset about the situation.

“I hope you find your friend,” the acolyte told them in parting.

“Thank you. I hope you find your bodies!” Ditto replied.

Noting that the argument outside had increased in fervor, Ditto tucked herself behind Voski and started trying to cast a spell under her breath. Voski nudged her before she could finish and slightly shook her head, causing her to cease the casting. As the group started to head away there was further commotion as several DPL agents arrived on the scene. The party high-tailed it away.

As they passed the Obsidian Shard drop point again, Voski cast a Locate Object to see if there were any Three of Eyes pendants in the building. While there, Voski and Amaranth both noted a little spider-like construct scurrying along the street with a scroll held in a sling. When it was pointed out to the others, Erwyn wanted to follow it, but some of the others were hesitant. Voski suggested Tiktik trail it instead. Ditto was hesitant to ask them to follow a potentially dangerous stranger again so soon, but the familiar was willing and went after it. As Tiktik headed off, Ditto also tried casting Detect Thoughts to see if the spider-construct had any. It didn’t.

The party then headed to the home of Winstanus Albach, the customer who’d last bought a sword from Quest. Outside, a flying sword was attempting to cut the grass on the lawn -- though it was only broadly successful. Voski waved at it and it paused to wave back. When they knocked on the door, a number of interesting bumps and clattering noises followed from inside. Then an elderly human man with a huge mustache answered the door, holding a number of leashes which each had a flying sword at the end, and scolded several of the more active ones by name for being rude to company.

When the party explained they were here to speak with him, Winstanus invited them all in, explaining he would put the swords in his “gladiary” -- a word he devised by combining the Celestial “Gladius” and the Common “aviary” -- for their safety. He then lead them to a nice sitting room, which was finely furnished but clearly had many sewn- and patched-up gashes. He offered them all biscuits on plates with little paintings of swords on them, and seemed sad to hear that Quest was still missing. Apparently he was a go-to for her when she had flying swords with slight behavioral issues, as he was an avid collector and didn’t mind their quirks. He was doubly concerned for her well-being because he also had arrangements with her to help find his swords good homes when he passed on.

The last sword he had purchased from her was from the Faewilds -- a long, leaf-shaped mithril one with vine patterns on the blade and metal and crystal flowers on the hilt that struggled a little on its leash as he fetched it. Apparently it had once been a part of an entire flock, but the swords were let go and Quest, who specialized in fae artifacts, had found it running feral. He also said it emitted faint sunlight at all times, and he hadn’t yet thought of a proper name for it. Erwyn asked if he could handle the sword, curious, and Winstanus warned him to watch his fingers, though also noted that as he was an elf the fae blade might receive him a little more kindly. Erwyn carefully examined the sword and noted a Sylvan inscription on it that read, “I and my sisters guard the third court.”

Ditto asked Winstanus if anyone had bothered him recently looking for information on swords. He said a blacksmith named Filigree Black had stopped by before the Abyssal incursion happened, interested in learning about historical smithing techniques, but that was all. In the meantime, Amaranth tried petting a little geriatric dagger floating near her, but accidentally bonked it into the table. It scurried fearfully behind Winstanus. She apologetically held out one of her own daggers for it to investigate.

Winstanus then told the group about the Veritas Amateur Historians Society, which he was a member of, though he mentioned it hadn’t had regular meetings for a while. He gave them the name of the organizer, a dragonborn named Lomik Turnuroth, who was the head of staff at the Zisisvoyni mansion uptown. He also mentioned that both Squall and Eckjeth had stopped by to speak with him about Quest, as well as some of the Watch, though their investigation had seemed half-hearted.

Towards the end of their visit, Amaranth told Winstanus that she’d bought her own sword from Quest, and he congratulated her on the purchase. He delightedly talked swords with her for a bit, and the shy dagger from earlier finally grew interested in her and wandered over, now less afraid.

#session recap

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strawberryspeachy · 5 years

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I have so many time periods in my life that were fucking miserable (my whole life so lol) but most of them im like

Man. I wish i could go back with the knowledge i have now and change shit

But my senior year of college still takes the cake. I would not repeat that fucking year given the chance. I legit for real am npt exaggerating at all when i say I HAVE NO IDEA HOW I GRADUATED. What strength i had. How did i do it??

I lost all of my friends. I lived with girls who made me feel worse about myself. My classes were super difficult and busy. My mom had finally admitted to me that she knew she was forgetting things.

I BECAME bulimic. That wasnt something i did before that year. Bulimic to the point where if i ate more than one peice or bread i felt guilty. Sometimes i coild rationalize to myself that i ate a healthy and appropriate meal but after 20 minutes id start panicking. That i HAD TO go throw it up. I HAD TO. if i didnt id regret it so i hadddd toooo

I didnt eat some days

And it went beyond the point of. All i have is my skinny body. It went to i hate myself and my life and i deserve to suffer. I dont deserve food. If i keep doing this maybe my body will fuck up enough that i die.

And speaking of death. It was the first time i fully tried to kill myself. I played with the idea before. Id do risky things on the off chance that id die doing it. Sometimes risky enough that i was surprised i even did it and got really scared afterwards thinking about ever doing them again. But id never made a plan. Got materials. And tried and fell asleep thinking id really never wake up. And i did it a couple times. And honestly i think i killed a part of me that year.

I cried all the time. I was just a zombie with a painted smile on my face so i could get help in class from other people. But i never actually smiled. And the second i walked in my room id start crying. All that bottled up energy released. And there was too much.

I used to fall out of my chair cause i was crying so much and id just roll around on the floor and then yell at myself to get my ass back in the chair and to keep studying. And i did. And id keep crying. And i kept studying.

And i took adderal several times a week. It wasnt even working. But it had a crack effect on me and would make me really happy and optimistic for no reason

I dont remember ever feeling confident in my studys. I walked into every exam terrifyed.

I was scared the entire year that i was gonna fail.

I was so out of it that i didnt even notice the stress permanently altered my apperance. Eveyone said i grew up. No the stress aged me. I didnt notice my hair fell out or how my chin seemed to grow. Or how my skin greyed

Theres no way to make thay year better. That was an awful year.

I have no point in this.

Just like that year and the two following it... which... issss 2014-2015-2016 to 2017

Like id completed three years of college. I had to graduate. I couldnt get out of that with a clear mind. And then coming home. None of my friends lived at home. I couldnt find a job. I took what i could get. I couldnt leave home. I had to stay for my mom. I had to and i wanted to.

Im thinking about it cause i could have immediately came to japan out of college. And i knew it then. I chose not to. I wanted to go home and be with my mom. And my family made that a nightmare. And watching her and taking care of her while she went downhill... i dont think ill be able to face those feelings... for many years to come. (I mean hopefilly not if i died while writing this id be happy) but theres really no getting around the fact that having completed my finance degree in college. My only choice was to end up as a server

My 13 year old dog died. My 18 year old cat died. My mom was shitting all over the house and refusing to sleep or eat. The woman who i hated so much that i went to work early and smiled while offering to stay later because “at least im not at home” finally died.

One day she told me she was gonna kick me out of the house (for the zillionth time) she screamed and yelled at me. And i went to work. And i came home and she was standing outside of the front door. I thought about continuing to drive and coming back later when shed moved. But for whatever reason i stopped and got out still hoping shed be gone by the time i walked up. She wasnt. She didnt even notice i was there. I was tempted to walk past her and go in. But i didnt. I asked her what was wrong. She said she could take the step to the sidewalk. And i helped her. And she rambled to me about how she thought shed be stuck there all night and how she didnt know what was wrong. The last time i saw her she had been screaming at me about how im a worthless spoiled lazy rude mean old adult acting like a baby. So. I really didnt have much sympathy to give her. I couldnt even talk. I was still mad. She thanked me. I said she was welcome. Thats all i remember. That was about 3 months before she died. If i went back to that exact moment knowing that information. I honestly dont think id change anything... she was.... so mean... so needlessly mean... im still mad about every time i was mad at her

Unlike my mom. Who i dreamed about this week. I had a dream that i was home just living my regular life in high school. And i did something. And my mom was yelling at me. And we got into an argument. Just one of those nonsense arguments that dont mean much. And in my dream i was like ugh my moms so annoying. And i woke up. And i miss her so much. What i wouldnt do to listen to my mom yell at me about something like taking too long to get ready. Or putting something in the wrong place. Or forgetting to do some chore she asked me to do. My mom with her fully functioning brain yelling at me because ive inconvenienced some plan that she has made for hersef that day. Thats shes fully capable of doing herself. And will do no matter what anyone says cause you dont mess with her schedule - you work with it.

I actually woke up and smiled. When you grow up do you ever think youll think about your parent full blown going off on you about something kinda dumb would ever make you smile...

Anyhow... that boy at work i like. I tried to be cute. He said he texts his friends back when he wants to when i pestered him about having not responded to my mesage. I was like

Oh thats the second time youve called me your friend! :) were friends :D

I just wanted a chuckle and for him to say yea yea were friends

But instead.... he said no. Were coworkers.

And i said you can be friends with your coworkers

Which led to a super long.... turned into argument...

Where he told me no. He doesnt need more friends. He only talks to me because he has to. He doesnt like me. He doesnt want to talk to me. He doesnt like when he has to talk to me. He has plenty of time to hang out with friends but not me cause im not his friend and he does not want to hang out with me. Dont ask him questions. Dont talk to him for more than a minute. He only said yes to hanging out with me because i was new to the country. His girlfriend didnt want him to and he decided he didnt want to after thinking about it. He wont change his mind. And he got really mad while telling me that his dumbass gf gets mad when i text him. And that he doesnt wanna talk to me out of work and at work only about work nothing else.

Most of that was unprovoked information. Like.. a quarter of it came from my “so were friends?” Remark. Another quarter of it came from my “coworkers can become friends” remark. And given half of it.... i brought up that he liked talking to me enough that he said he wanted to hang out with me - so you fan guess what quarter of the information came from that... oh sorry did i say quarters. I guess i meant thirds.

Extra shitty cause its a big jump from the boy who was engaging in actual conversation with me yesterday and moved so close to me that he was cms away from resting his head on me shoulder. Many times. Actually over the past couple days.

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fairycosmos · 5 years

Note

chloe, i need some help. ever since i got into college i dont feel like myself anymore. like im making all the wrong choices and i cant even see the person i used to be. im almost in a relationship with my professor, im not studying at all (which is rlly out of character. i love studying) im going out when i now i need to wake up early the next day (and then i dont). im spending all my money on stupid shit. im not reading, not sewing, im not myself. idk what happened or why im doing any of this

hey my love. i'm sorry to hear you're going through such a rough time right now, it must be extremely hard for you to find moments of peace and clarify :( alright so, it's normal for your interests and hobbies to change as you get older, and it's natural to have a million different selves (to an extent). but if you're noticing sudden self destructive patterns in your behaviour then it may be a sign of a much deeper issue. you're young, you're finding a comfortable version of yourself, which can take a lot of trial and error, so new experiences (even if they're not necessarily positive) are to be expected. however it seems like you're going in a direction that you're know isn't good for you, and the contrast between what you want to do and what you're actually doing is concerning. however the fact that you have the self awareness and the inner honesty to truly recognise that is a really good sign. i absolutely promise that where you're at right now isn't where you'll always be, not if you don't want to be. progress is within reach. periods of high stress, such as starting college, can have a massive impact on your mental health and the way you deal with your problems. it can bring out illnesses that may have gone previously undiagnosed. that's a very heavy idea, but take it on board as neutrally as you can. there are numerous ways to come to terms with your mind set, especially if you get a handle on it sooner rather than later. obviously i'm not an authority on this subject, but the symptoms you described are quite common ways for certain disorders to manifest. of course it could just be that you're in a new environment, you have new options, new perspectives - it's weird and confusing and being a little lost is alright, as is making mistakes. but it's very important that you take the time to evaluate the seriousness of what's going on. do you think this is something you need to talk to someone about? because i'd really urge you to do so. i think that's what it's all leading up to, it's fine to give into it. whether it's your doctor, a hotline, a college counselor, a referral from some local mental health resources, your parents - please, please consider it from an objective standpoint. your mind may try to talk you out of the idea, usin feelings of fear and apprehension against you, but you don't have to lean into it. you can't trust those thoughts that want to keep you locked in a negative cycle. it's genuinely alright to be scared and to not have everything figured out. it's painful, but allowing yourself to process and feel it is not a bad thing. i just think that you're seeing a pattern within your lifestyle, one that is detrimental to your overall health and happiness, so reaching out is an extremely viable and realistic option, even if you don't think it is. if there's a bigger problem causing your recent change in character, or if you just need someone to talk to and a bit of guidance, whatever it is - there is a way through it and you're not trapped. you will continue to grow and navigate and learn from whatever the world throws at you. you are so much stronger and more resilient than you think. you will adapt to whatever comes next, especially if you give yourself the tools to do so, even if sometimes you don't think you have the energy/capability to do that. you do, and you always will. if you take the time to talk to someone, especially a professional, they'll be able to help you identify what's going on, while showing you how to cope with the pressure of college life in a healthier way. they'll be able to work closely with you to develop a plan of action so you don't keep getting overwhelmed and jumping into crisis mode and acting impulsively. there are so many options, so many chances for you to find some stable ground here. they can also refer you if further treatment is going to help you get things back on track. i know that seems daunting and a bit terrifying, but the bottom line is that your mental health is just as important as your physical health, and sometimes it needs genuine medical support, just like any physical ailment would. there's no way around it, no shame in it. i'm not saying that it'll be quick or easy or that opening up will solve everything. i'm saying that what you're going through is NOT something you have to deal with all by yourself. alright? the only thing worse than talking to someone would be staying quiet and letting the circumstances get even worse when you know logically something's off, something needs to change for the better. i understand that every part of you is against the idea, that you just want to give in to the pain and the chaos, but you deserve so much more than that. even if you can't see it. as a sidenote it seems like your professor is taking advantage of your vulnerable state, he's an asshole. i think your focus should be on trying to get to a place where you feel ok about reaching out. he's not the solution to any of this. you have the strength, the power and the control to remove yourself from situations that are not serving you. you don't need the added pressure of a relationship. you need to look at your current state and decide what it is that you honestly need. i promise that if you don't want to keep hurting and losing yourself over and over again, that you can stop. you can. there are professionals that will SHOW you how to stop. but it all starts with admitting to what's going on in the first place by looking past you intense emotions, erratic urges and self hating thinking patterns, and talking to someone. listen, you can and will make it through this. take it one day at a time, talk to your family and friends, and confront each hurdle with their support. you're going to be alright, and you are truly not alone in this. i mean it. a lot of people have been where you are. i believe in you with all my heart and i'm rooting for you very much. let me know if you need a friend or someone to talk to, i'll be here. sending love.

#anon #long post

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imladris-soldier · 5 years

Text

Lashes (pt 14)

Bill Williamson is a racist asshole. Everyone knows it. They just punch him and go on about their day. When a Lakota woman joins the gang, everyone expects things to go on as normal, slurs and all, and for a time, it does. But her curiosity gets the better of her, and she finds that hatred is something learned - which means it can be unlearned, if given time, care, and patience. And she has plenty of those… the first two, anyway.

Bill Williamson x OC

The caravan rattled out of Clemens Point, leaving the land slightly scarred behind it. It seemed that no matter where the Van Der Linde gang settled they left a mark, good or bad.

Star sat with Bill on the wagon he was driving, keeping an eye on all the horses that weren't being ridden. They mostly filed along, now unfortunately accustomed to this shifting camp ordeal. Once she was satisfied that they were alright, she settled next to her companion and allowed her eyes to drift over the country. The farther they went, the wetter everything became. The air stuck to her skin and felt heavy in her lungs. Her clothes hung in a vaguely damp manner off her body. Things squished and reeked in ways she had never known. Where in the world was Dutch taking them?

“You seem quiet,” Bill murmured, glancing over at her.

There was a hint of concern in his voice that she couldn't ignore, and it struck her that maybe there was some lingering tension from the night of the attack on the Braithwaites. He'd been considerate enough not to ask her directly what had happened, and she had appreciated it. However, she would have to tell him sooner or later.

“If you want to ask something, just ask me.”

He blushed slightly at having been called out so easily, but he shrugged it off. “Just been worried is all. What happened with the Braithwaites... seemed to take a lot outta ya.”

He was still dancing around the question, but it felt like he was protecting her from it. He wanted to know, but he didn't want to cause her the pain of telling him. It equal parts frustrated and warmed her, though she couldn't put a finger on her frustration. So, she let it out in a heavy sigh.

“It did. I was forced to remember things that I had carefully hidden away, and those memories did not resurface kindly.”

Bill nodded a bit, eyes on the road in front of them. “Been there.”

“I... imagine you have.” She had probably caused one or two of those events just by appearing in his life. “It's not a nice story. And... I'll tell it to you sometime. Just... not now.”

“Alright,” he conceded easily, no hint of disappointment in his voice. “I got a story or two you ain't heard neither, so...” He shrugged, glancing over at her. “I guess... well... guess we'll both just take our time. We got plenty of it.”

The frustration melted away as she filled with fondness. “I hope so,” she replied softly.

As the caravan rolled through the South, heading ever farther in the opposite direction of that they had hoped for, the mood felt... mixed. Some of the others seemed to have found hope to hold on to, but Star herself felt very apprehensive, so she picked up more on those who mirrored her sentiments. John, who had returned to guide them to Shady Belle, and Abigail were understandably worried, though they seemed to be avoiding each other. Micah was grumpier than usual, though he professed undying faith in Dutch's decisions. Hosea kept up his smile for the gang, but when he thought no one was looking, his gaze drifted to the countryside and became wistful. Things felt... different.

The twists and turns of the road carried the gang into swampland. New animal noises began to crop up that Star had never heard before in her life, and it put her on edge. This entire land was nothing but threat. She had already learned to dislike the South in general, but this part? It was repulsive.

It took the better part of the day to reach Shady Belle, and Star was appalled to find that the house was of a similar make to the Braithwaite mansion, though it had seen significantly better days. It was surrounded on three sides by swamp, and there were multiple battlements left from the previous occupiers.

While the wagons rolled in, Arthur emerged from the house with a wave. “Welcome home, all of ya, to my humble abode! We got fine livin', if you ignore the corpses and the alligators. A real paradise.”

Dutch jumped down from The Count, spinning with a grin. “I love it! Ms. Grimshaw, Mr. Pearson, would you kindly work your magic?”

The wagons fanned out across the yard to make space for each other as they organized the camp into something livable. Star squeezed Bill's shoulder before jumping down from the still moving wagon to see to the horses. As she made her way to the nervous animals, she saw Dutch and Arthur mounting back up.

“Dutch?” Molly called, running to catch up.

“Yes?”

“Could I have a word with ye?”

“Not now,” Dutch replied dismissively.

He and Arthur rode off, leaving a dejected Molly in her place. Star stood with her hand on Old Boy's neck, watching as the Irish woman's shoulders slumped and she turned to go back to the house. While it was true that Star had never been particularly fond of Miss O'Shea, she couldn't help but feel for the woman.

“He's just stressed, Molly,” she called.

Molly's red hair bounced as she turned, surprised at having been spoken to. Star expected her not to respond and move on, but she made her way awkwardly between the horses to stand with Star. “I dunno. He hardly speaks a word to me. Been this way for a while now.”

“Well... he's been stressed for a while now. After everything this gang has been through, can you blame him?”

“I just wish he'd talk to me. I... I really love 'im, and I wanna help 'im, but...” She shrugged helplessly. “How do you do it?”

That caught Star off guard. “Do what?”

“Get Bill to talk to ye. I seen you two 'round camp. Yer always talkin' and doin' stuff together. He's got a lot better since 'e met you. Nicer. Quieter.”

Star ran her fingernails through Old Boy's coat, considering the question. She didn't really think she'd done anything to get Bill to talk to her. Except maybe listen. He had a lot to say, but no one ever listened to him. Once she did, and he was convinced that she wasn't making fun of him, he just... talked.

“I don't know, Molly. We just... he trusts me, is all. Knows I'm not going to use his words against him, like everyone else seems to.”

The woman's freckled face twisted into an expression of despair. “Why doesn't Dutch trust me?! I've been by his side through all'a this. He should trust me!”

With that, Molly stormed off, crying. Star stared after the Irishwoman, baffled. She'd tried to help, but it wasn't her fault that Dutch found nothing to trust in his companion, though why he felt the need to keep her around was beyond understanding. They weren't even sharing a bed much anymore, so what was the point? Although, perhaps there was simply no convincing Molly that it was over. She still seemed to feel strongly about Dutch.

With a shrug, Star returned to her work, though she as soon joined by another.

“What was that about?” Hosea asked quietly, taking a brush to Silver Dollar.

Star glanced at the forming camp, making sure that Molly was nowhere in earshot. “Dutch brushed her off again. She wanted to know how I got Bill to talk to me. I told her that he trusted me. She... did not take it well.”

Hosea let out a sigh as a slight, humorless smile touched his lips. “So we saw.”

“Did I do something wrong?”

“Honesty is never wrong, girl. Except for when it gets you into trouble.” His smile grew genuine. “I knew when she arrived that the outlaw life would sit poorly with Molly O'Shea. It was just a matter of time.”

“Why does Dutch keep her around?”

“I don't think Dutch has spared a thought for Molly in months. She's here because she chooses to be. I don't wish the girl any ill will, but I do wish she'd move on. Dutch will never be the man she hopes him to be.”

Something about that troubled Star. If Hosea saw cracks in what Dutch was building...

“Don't mind me, Star,” he cut across her thoughts. “It's been a long road. Perhaps I'm a bit crankier than usual.”

Star smiled. “We're all tired. And this place... it's...”

“I know. Revolting. Though the stagnant water adds a pleasant aroma, wouldn't you say?”

They laughed together, finishing up with the horses. By that time, camp was more or less assembled. By nightfall, Dutch and Arthur had returned saying that they had found Angelo Bronte. Plans were laid for them and John to pay a visit the next day. Everything seemed to be on track to retrieve Jack and get the hell out of there.

The gang fell to their usual habits, eating dinner, drinking, playing the occasional game of poker. But underneath it all, there was an unrest, and they all could feel it.

Late into the night, Star and Bill sat on the ground outside of their tent. Star was sat between his legs, leaned back against his chest, and his chin rested on her shoulder. They were content in silence for a while until an alligator hiss made Star jump, knocking Bill's teeth together.

“Shit,” she breathed. “Sorry.”

“Ain't never seen you so jumpy,” he remarked, rubbing his jaw. “What's got you so wound up?”

“Everything,” she admitted, taking his hand to play with in her lap. “But especially this place. I don't like being this close to a city. I don't like the sounds those leviathans make. I don't like that I've been bitten by more bugs than I can count since we arrived. I want to go home.”

“Where's home?”

It was a genuine question, but Star realized that she didn't really know what to tell him. It wasn't the reservation that she spoke of, but that direction wasn't a bad one. North and West to the plains. To the buffalo. To the rocky buttes and clear skies. Home.

“Somewhere the wind actually moves and the air doesn't sit on you like wet fabric. Somewhere that horses can run without fear of breaking a leg in the mire.” She paused, then looked over her shoulder. “Somewhere with you.”

He smiled and gently placed his chin back onto her shoulder, arms wrapping around her torso to hold her close. “Sounds good to me.”

They sat together a while longer – long enough for Karen and Pearson to begin singing a little drunkenly from the poker table, accompanied by Javier on his guitar.

“I'm a poor lonesome cowboy/ Poor lonesome cowboy/ Poor lonesome cowboy/ A long way from home/ I ain't got no mother/ I ain't got no mother/ I ain't got no mother/ To mend the clothes I wear/ I'm a poor lonesome cowboy/ Poor lonesome cowboy/ Poor lonesome cowboy/ A long way from home.”

As they sang, Bill began to hum the tune in Star's ear, gently rocking her side to side. She couldn't for a second maintain her worries when his voice sent pleasant shivers down her spine. A smile blossomed on her face as her arms went atop his. To say that she had ever thought to have something like this was a stretch. To say that she had imagined it would be someone like Bill Williamson is an outright lie.

….

In the morning, the camp was abuzz as Dutch, Arthur, and John rode off to Saint Denis to get Jack back. Abigail was a nervous wreck and spent most of her time pacing the camp. No one got in her way, though Sadie tried to offer some comfort.

Star spent the day with a constant watchful eye sweeping her surroundings. She had faith – or at the very least, had hope – that they would bring the boy back with no trouble, but enough had gone wrong up to that point to leave her restless. She also began to pace the camp, though slightly less fevered than Abigail.

At one point, Micah sidled across her path, lips twisted into a smirk. “What's got your britches in a knot?”

“Right now? You,” she replied, walking around him.

He chuckled, following her. “Ain't no reason to be hostile. Just makin' conversation.”

“Find someone else to talk to.”

“But I want to talk to you. I think we got off on the wrong foot.”

“Yes, I suppose nearly running me over, then proceeding to hurl offensive remarks might make things somewhat tense.”

“I thought you liked bein' called nasty names. Ain't that what Bill did to get your attention?”

Star spun around so fast that Micah nearly smacked into her. He took a staggering step backwards as her nose came very close to his. “Think you're funny, ugly man? Do you? Do you know the difference between you and Bill? He's capable of learning. He cares enough to try. There's a good man inside him that this gang tried so hard to repress because they needed someone to be the butt of their jokes. And he let them. Because he just wanted someone to want him back. You? You're rotten to the core. No amount of care or friendship would ever change you because you like being the way you are. You're a snake, Micah. Be careful someone doesn't turn you into boots.”

For a screaming, silent moment, Micah just stared at her. His face betrayed the tiniest hint of shock, though most of it hid in his biting blue eyes. And then, he laughed. “Oho, I seem to have struck a nerve. Alright, there, princess. Don't get yourself all worked up. I'll go my merry way.” His smile cracked, and his voice dropped. “But threaten me again, and we'll just see who does the skinning around here.”

He stepped back from her, his smirk back on his face, and then he sauntered off as if nothing had happened. Star made sure he was good and gone before letting out the breath she was holding. She knew it was unwise to rile him. He had always felt dangerous, and he had zero respect for her as a human being. Still, she refused to take his shit lying down.

As she turned to continue on, a voice called, “You alright?”

Charles was leaned up against a tree, easily blending into the bark and the foliage around him. Star nodded and crossed to him. “Fine.”

“He's mostly harmless, but... I don't like the idea of you facing him alone.”

Star's gaze went over her shoulder. “I don't believe for a second that he's harmless. Something about him has always set my teeth on edge. I don't know what it is... but, I don't trust him.”

Charles nodded. “Neither do I. Hunter's instinct maybe.”

“Maybe.” Her eyes returned to him. “What are you doing over here?”

He pointed at an alligator on the opposite shore. “Watching that.”

Star's lip curled up in displeasure. “Why?”

“It's fascinating.”

“It's horrific.”

The beast accentuated her point by snarling and hissing at some bird innocently passing by. She just pointed. Charles chuckled. “I didn't say it was kind.”

“Well, I hate it. I hate this place and all its animals.”

“Fair enough. Come on. Have you had lunch?”

The pair made their way back to the camp interior and tracked down some food. Bill was on watch duty, so the pair ate alone, swapping stories from their childhoods. Though the day had started out on shaky ground, it improved the longer they sat together. They only hoped it would last.

As the day dragged on, nerves around camp grew more frayed. The longer Dutch and the others were gone, the more worried everyone got. Had it been anything other than Jack, the stakes would not feel so high. He was just a boy, and everyone was fond of him. Except maybe Micah, who was annoyingly calm.

When darkness had fallen and they still hadn't returned, Abigail was nearly inconsolable. No one else could focus on much either. But, when the sounds of hooves reached them, every head popped up hopefully. Bill's voice called out, “Hey! They're back! I think I see Jack!”

“Abigail!!” Dutch called. “We got you your son!”

“We got him!” John practically whooped. “He's ok!”

Jack's little voice piped up, “Momma! I'm fine, Momma!”

The dam broke. Everyone came running, smiles all around.

“My son!” Abigail cried. “You got him! You got my son back!”

She whipped her little boy into her arms, spinning around with a laugh. Jack looked none the worse for wear and said, “They fed me good! Italian food. Have you ever had that?”

“Good luck living up to that, Pearson,” Star murmured to the cook. He just grinned and waved her off.

Abigail brought Jack to the crowd of people waiting to greet him, though he soon lost interest in it all and asked to play. Abigail let him, but never let her eyes leave him. Dutch, Hosea, Arthur, and John shared a quiet word together, but then Dutch broke away, speaking louder. “Boys, we got work to do. Interesting work. But first, let's have a drink. We got Jack back! It's time to celebrate!”

The gang let out cries of joy and almost immediately managed to become merry. Alcohol was opened and passed around. Songs were sung, the most rousing of which was Javier's “Cielito Lindo”. Star didn't know the words, so she simply stood with the gang, watching, smiling, and laughing.

The echoes of Sean's party came back to her, leaving a weight of sadness atop her joy, but it was not so heavy that she couldn't enjoy this new celebration. She laughed with the girls, drank with the boys, played with Jack. It was wonderful.

At one point, Bill approached her, bottle in hand, though he immediately offered it to her when he reached her. She took it and drank a large swig. He was obviously feeling the effects of the alcohol, but she had certainly seen him far worse off. He took her hand in his, letting it dangle between them. “R-remember the party at Horseshoe?” he asked, swinging her hand slightly.

“Course I do.”

“Well... me too, but... I don't... I don't remember the part I wanna remember. So, let's do it over.”

She smiled, grateful that the fire would hide her blush. “I mean... we've done so before...”

“But not like this,” he answered, waving around at everything. “It's a party! We got Jack back. Everything's gonna be alright. I just... I wanna spend it with you is all. Proper like this time.”

She took another drink, smiling around the bottle. “Alright, fine. I'll slip away, then you follow me in a bit.” Handing the bottle back, Star reclaimed her hand and slowly made her way to their tent, stopping to talk to a few people along the way.

One of those people was Kieran. He lingered on the outside of the festivities, though his demeanor was more relaxed than usual. He even smiled when she approached. “Hi, Star!”

“Hey!” The alcohol had loosened her tongue slightly, making her a bit louder than normal, so she jumped at her own voice. “Oh, geez. Sorry. That was noisy.” Kieran giggled and took another sip from his bottle. “Anyway, I came over here to tell you something. I don't want you to think it was your fault.”

“What do you mean?”

“Jack getting taken. You said you'd seen some men being suspicious and the like before he was kidnapped. It wasn't your fault. If you'd tried to stop them, they might've killed you, and that wouldn't have been better. We got him back ok. Everything worked out. So... it's not your fault.”

He swirled his drink around and shrugged. “I dunno 'bout all that, but... thanks, Star.”

“You don't need to know, 'cause I know,” she replied, poking him in the chest. “Now enjoy yourself, Kieran Duffy.”

“Yes, ma'am,” he replied, smiling.

With that, she found her way to her tent, dropping the flap closed behind her. She didn't imagine Bill would take long following her, so she rather quickly disposed of her clothes, then sat on her bedroll to brush through her hair. The humidity had caused it to become a frizzy, sticky mess, and she was fed up with it.

As predicted, Bill appeared only a few minutes later, hurrying himself into the tent and tying it shut. When he turned back around, he almost balked. Star looked up innocently. “What?”

“Didn't expect ya to... well...” He gestured at her naked form vaguely.

“You've seen it before.”

“I know that!” he replied, unbuttoning his shirt. “Just weren't expectin' it is all.”

A sly smile slid up her face, and she leaned back on her elbows, stretching out and exposing her body. “You mean to say that I still have an affect on you? Even just... innocently sitting here. Minding my own business?”

He gave her a disparaging glance that turned into a longing grimace. “Why are you like this?”

She chuckled. “Like what?”

“Like you enjoy tormentin' me!”

“Maybe I do.”

He yanked his usual plaid shirt off, then ripped off his undershirt as well. “I guess we'll just see about that.”

He joined her on the ground, crawling over top of her as she just ginned. “You're sober enough to remember this one, right?”

“Yes!”

“Alright! Just making sure. How did it start last time? Something like this?” She lifted up to claim his lips, running her fingers through his beard and into his hair. He practically melted.

“Somethin' like that,” he agreed softly when she pulled away.

She laid down, pulling him with her. The kisses he placed on her lips, soon moved to her neck, her collarbone, and her breasts. His beard tickled, causing her to squirm and giggle every once in a while which just made him smile against her skin.

To be fair, Star did not believe for a second that their drunken hook-up so many months ago had been anything like this. It had probably been a horrible, awkward, mess of a time and wasn't worth remembering anyway. So it was nice to be able to put a more pleasant memory in its place instead.

Bill's lips eventually reached her hips, and he paused to graze his teeth over her hip bone, eliciting a shiver. “Now who's tormentin' who?” he rumbled against her stomach, dragging his nose along the sensitive skin just below her belly button.

“I don't know that I'm tormented just yet,” she replied.

He looked up to catch her gaze and shake his head. “Incorrigible, you are.”

She shrugged. “Now, are you gonna talk all night, or are you...” His index finger slid between her legs, taking the words right out of her mouth. She cleared her throat and nodded. “Better.”

When his tongue replaced his finger, Star lost the ability to tease him in any way. He'd never done that before, and it was an entirely new sensation that sent radiating heat up her torso. She never wanted him to stop. So, when he pulled away to free himself from his boots and pants, she whined softly. He just smirked.

He was slow pushing into her the first time, causing her to throw her head back happily. More than anything, she enjoyed sex as a bonding activity, and prolonged contact of that sort felt far more personal. Every touch of their skin seemed to have an emotion behind it, despite their physical desire for one another.

After some time on the ground, they shifted around a bit. Bill sat on the bedroll, and Star straddled him, taking control of things. It all started out as fun and games, but the emotions seemed to come back into it ten-fold with them so close to one another. Their eyes seemed locked into one another, and the heat between them was like fire.

Outside, thunder began to rumble, but even that wasn't enough to break the two apart. Star's arms were around his shoulders, and one of her hands was buried in his messy hair. He had one hand on her lower back while the other helped hold him up. He alternated between squeezing her ass and her hip as she moved on him. The hand that wasn't in his hair slipped between her thighs to heighten her pleasure which made her whimper softly. Of course, at this point, she knew well that her noises were one of his favorite things, so it surprised her none when his grip on her tightened and he began to buck up into her some.

She leaned her forehead against his, eyes slipping shut and mouth falling slightly open as she focused on the feeling of him inside her. “I fucking love you,” she breathed. “God help me, but I do.”

He responded by practically throwing her back onto the ground and pounding into her until she was moaning with every thrust. Her back arched wildly when she came. He fucked her through her orgasm, and just as she began to shy away from the stimulation, he pulled free and came as well – spilling his seed on the ground and grunting a small laugh.

Star stared at the tent top for a moment to catch her breath, but soon rolled upwards to her knees to throw her arms around him again. He caught her, giggling. “Good enough for the memory books?” she asked, kissing his nose.

He got slightly bashful and murmured, “Any time you say you love me is good 'nough for that.”

She stared into his eyes for a moment, wanting so much for him to know just how much she meant it. There didn't seem to be a way to fully express the extent of the emotion in her chest, so she settled on a kiss. A long, careful, emotional kiss. “I do love you,” she whispered, leaning her head against his. “And don't you forget it. Not even when you're drunk out of your mind.”

He nuzzled her jaw gently. “Never.”

#my writing #red dead redemption #red dead redemption 2 #bill williamson #bill williamson x oc #lashes #micah bell #charles smith #hosea matthews #molly o'shea #kieran duffy #so this one gets a little smutty #fair warning

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alicedoessurveys · 5 years

Text

VERY long survey

Where have you lived throughout your life?

Birmingham UK

Do you find your job rewarding?

N/A

What kind of cake did you have for your last birthday?

chocolate

To you, which is better: English muffins or bagels?

I enjoy both, but bagels.

Do you paint your nails?

yes. although they're not painted at the moment because ive been cleaning the house so much the past couple days and its stripped my varnish off

What’s the last website you signed up for?

a dating thing

Do you check your email everyday?

yes, I cant stand having the little red number above the mail app

Have you created any pages on Facebook?

yes but I dont have them anymore

Is there a subject that you absolutely suck at?

every subject, but especially maths and science

What’s your favourite song by Dave Matthews Band?

I dont know any

Are there people you have absolutely nothing in common with, but still enjoy talking to?

I dot particularly enjoy talking to anyone :’)

Have you ever wandered around drunk with your friend?

yes, we wondered around through the middle of Birmingham at 4am

Are you good at holding back your laughter if needed?

haha nope

Have you ever been so unfortunate to suffer from a hangover?

yes

Have you ever had a panic attack?

many, I had to drop out of college because of them

Are you deathly allergic to anything?

nope

Have you ever had a mouse in your house?

nope

Do you know anyone who DOESN’T have an ex?

myself

Is anyone you know really religious?

my family

Are your eyebrows naturally thick?

yes

Has speaking in front of people ever made you sick?

not physically sick, but definitely felt it. the worst experience Ive had with speaking was in college when I had to give a speech then teach a 10 minute class. my throat totally dried up and I literally couldnt speak. everyone just stared at me and I was trying so hard not to cry. longest 10 minutes of my life and as soon as it finished I legged it out the room and burst into tears.

What was the last movie that made you teary-eyed?

Mary Poppins Returns almost got me but the last film to actually make me cry was Coco. That shit had me SOBBING!

Have you had two friends that absolutely hated each other?

yes

Has a laptop ever burned your legs?

not really, I put a cushion on my lap normally

Do you know anyone who has a scar through their eyebrow?

Who was the last person to flip you off?

probably rhys, as a joke

Anyone’s birthday coming up soon?

my dad turns 50 next week

Would you ever wear fake eyelashes?

I have done a few times but they annoy me

Are you good at following directions?

no no no I get confused very easily

Do you have someone that you can just act a fool with and not care?

yes rhys

From where you’re sitting, can you touch a wall?

if I reach behind me

When at a restaurant, do you put your napkin on your lap?

occasionally, it depends where I am and what im eating

Do you prefer electric or manual pencil sharpeners?

manual

Are your biceps at all noticeable?

they used to be before they went into hiding under a layer of fat

Have you ever seen a walrus?

nope

When it comes to dropping food, do you believe in the 10 second rule?

no, I believe in the ‘what food is it’ and ‘how dirty is the floor’ rules

If given the opportunity, would you ride on a camel?

yes. I was supposed to have gone on a camel ride in Tunisia ages ago but I was ill so we didn't get to go

Do you believe that cellphones actually do cause cancer?

they could be. the number of people getting cancer has gone up a lot since everyone has mobile phones

When people you know cry, does it make you feel like crying too?

depends who it is

Do you tend to jump to conclusions?

yes. Im an anxious person so im constantly overthinking and I also find people really hard to read and can get

Are you good at remembering your friends’ birthdays?

yes my brain cant remember important things but when it comes to dates its like a sponge

Is there something you need to do, that you’re trying to avoid doing?

getting a job

Ever pop someone else’s pimple?

ew no

How long does it take you to fall asleep?

about 15 minutes depending on how tired I am

Do you crack your neck often?

no that freaks me out

Did you have a weird dream last night?

not that I can remember, I have been having a lot of weird dreams this week because im ill

Who do you sometimes compare yourself to?

everyone. especially when im at the theatre, im constantly watching other people and wishing I could act like they can or look like them or have their style

Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?

both

In what way are you your own worst enemy?

every way, I dont look after myself at all

What activities make you lose track of time?

sims

When you help someone do you ever think, “What’s in it for me?”

not really

Who do you tell your secrets to?

these surveys

Who do you live with?

my parents and our foster kids

When did/will you graduate?

I didn't

When are you moving next?

I have no idea. probably never

When is the last time you took a vitamin?

this morning, im fighting a cold

Why are you stressed?

im not too bad right now tbh

Do you need to return anyone’s phone call?

nope

Where do you keep your birth certificate?

no clue, my mom has it somewhere

How many books are in your room?

a lot. I have quite a few on display and a whole bunch hidden away in my closet because theres no space for them anywhere else. I'll include some photos of the books in my room;

(the book on my bedside table in the second picture is actually a lamp that lights up when you open it)

Have you ever been IN a wedding?

nope

What was the last thing you laughed out loud at?

probably my mom

Do you have a nickname? Why?

my family call my bongy or Ali bong, I dont know why.. (my name is Alice)

Have you ever had a bad concert experience?

nope

When was the last time someone told you that you were beautiful/good-looking? Do people often tell you this?

my mom tells me almost every day but Im like youre my mom of course you would say that

Are you missing someone of the opposite sex atm?

Want someone back in your life?

meh

Are you currently sad about anything?

actually nope

Are you wearing anything shiny?

my pj top has glittery silver letters on

How important is a sense of humor in a significant other?

very, I fall very easily for people who make me laugh

How many followers do you have on Twitter?

198 (@alicethenerd if ya wanna follow 😉)

Do you sleep with the door open or closed?

closed. I aint about letting those murderers and monsters just waltz straight in easy peasy

Have you ever been to the beach?

yes every summer since I was a kid

Can you handle blood?

nope

Do you pay your bills or do your parents?

I pay my own bills. no way my dad would be up for paying my bills, he already digs at me constantly about the fact that I live rent free even though I look after the foster kids and tidy the house more than he does

What’s your best friend’s middle name?

Connor

Has any place hired you underage for a job?

not officially

Have you ever barely passed a grade/year in school?

yes

Have you ever carried a concealed weapon?

Have you ever tried to sell something overpriced to someone?

Do you plan to become very wealthy some day?

I hope to become wealthy enough to not worry about having enough money to put fuel in my car anymore and to be able to pay back my parents and grandad for everything they've done for me

Do you remember your first time going to the movies?

no, but my earliest cinema memory was going to watch Monsters Inc with my dad when it was first released

Does eating breakfast make you sick?

if I try to eat before a certain time yes

Are you dying to say something to someone right this minute?

not dying to nope

Book series you enjoyed reading recently?

im reading eve of man atm which apparently is going to be a series

Do you enjoy lying in the grass during the summer, and just existing?

I prefer lying on a blanket, I dont like the feel of grass and I dont like the bugs crawling around

Do you have a passport? If so, how many stamps do you have in it?

yes, it doesn't have many stamps in because I lost the one that did have lots in and I havent been away much since getting the new one

Are there any keys on your keyboard that have letters fading away?

nope

Do any of your close friends have children?

What do you plan on having for dinner?

we already had dinner, we had chippy

Do you like Chinese food, or do you find it disgusting?

I only really like one meal

Have the police ever come knocking on your door looking for someone?

actually yes, literally a few weeks ago

Know anybody who works in a tattoo parlor?

yes, my second cousin

Have you ever played flashlight tag?

ive never heard of it

Could you call yourself a movie buff?

not really, im a huge movie fan but theres still a lot I need to see

Have you ever had a piercing get infected?

never had a piercing

Do you check your fire alarms when you’re supposed to?

dad does it

Are you a shorts wearing kind of person?

nope nope nope, my legs are not suitable for public viewing :’)

Is your grandparents’ house obsessively tidy?

not really no. my nan and grandpa’s house is always neat but not obsessively neat. my grandads house is full of clutter because my nan was a hoarder

About how much can you bench press?

I dont know, I havent lifted in years

Have you ever had your phone die on you in the middle of a conversation?

yes

Is anybody in your family a carpenter?

Are you avoiding someone?

yes

Do you call your boyfriend “Monkey”?

I dont have a boyfriend but if I did I doubt id call him monkey

What’s your favorite primary color?

yellow #hufflepuffpride

What were you for Halloween?

nothing, I didn't dress up

Do you have any clothes from Walmart?

nope, we dont have Walmart here

When did you get a Facebook?

about 10 years ago

What color are your eyes?

green/hazel

What motivates you?

happiness

Can you walk in heels?

nope

When was the last time someone asked you your age?

the other day, my own mother forgot how old I was

Do you keep a journal?

not really

Have you ever tried a weird flavor of vodka?

never had vodka

Do you wear a ring on your finger?

occasionally

What are you doing?

watching ‘the greatest dancer’ and wondering if this survey is ever going to end

What’s the last kind of soup you ate?

tomato

Do you currently have a sunburn?

no. its winter

Who did you last text?

my sister

Who’d you last call? About what?

my mom, to ask her to come downstairs and let the dogs out because the baby was asleep on me and there was no way I was going to risk waking her up

Are you currently frustrated with someone?

yes

Do you drink water or soda more often?

water

Do you straighten your hair?

yes

When did you last talk to your brother or sister?

today

What is your least favorite vegetable?

all of them

Outside of family, name 3 people that make you smile/laugh often.

Rhys, Addison, Jacob

In school, what subjects did you achieve your highest grades in?

Was there a subject that you enjoyed, but weren’t too good at?

I didn't really enjoy any subjects at school

When was the last time something didn’t go to plan? What happened?

today. I had planned to deep clean the bathroom but I went super dizzy and had to give up half way through cleaning

Do you have any children? If not, at what age do you think you’ll feel ready to be a parent?

I dont but I am seriously considering adopting one of our foster babies atm. I want to adopt anyway, theres no way I could be pregnant

When was the last time you bought a new item of clothing?Describe it.

I honestly cant remember, im due a shopping trip

Was your last Facebook friend request from a male or female?

female

Do you have an item of clothing that makes you feel especially beautiful? Describe it.

not really no

Think of the last person that betrayed you. If they said they were sorry, would you forgive them?

I would cautiously forgive him but I would also make sure he knew that how he treated me was not okay and that he really upset me and this would be his last chance. but tbh I think hes done with me so 🤷🏻‍♀️

Nastiest thing you’ve ever done?

I dont know, I dont like being nasty

Have you ever been in a lighthouse?

nope

What colour is your shower?

I think its silver, ive ever actually noticed

Where do you order your pizza from?

dominos

When is the last time you had a serious talk with someone?

few days ago

Do you find that you have a certain meal you eat every time you go to certain restaurants?

yes, im a creature of habit

What colour is your bike?

silver & purple

What word can you not stand to hear people say?

the c word, I cant even type it

What room of your house are you in?

living room

What is the temperature in your city right now?

9°c

When did you last use a post-it-note?

last week in the script for the show im currently working on

Would you ever want to own your own restaurant?

yes

Do you have a fan in your bedroom?

no I dont like them, they make too much noise

Who is the last person that you took a picture with?

one of our foster kids

When is the last time you were stuck in a fairly long traffic jam?

the weekend before christmas

Do you have certain friends that you hug every time you see them?

not many

When was your most recent trip to an aquarium?

almost two years ago

What do you like in your salads and what dressing do you prefer?

I dont like salads

If it has one, do you ever use the notepad function in your phone?

all the time, Im constantly writing lists or reminders to myself

How good would you say your memory is?

long term good, short term bad

About how many times during the night do you wake up from your sleep?

a few times

Are there any air fresheners in your house? What kinds?

multiple, we have plugs in and sprays and those automatic ones that go off every 15 minutes

What’s one thing you’re glad you’ve done recently?

done my laundry :’) im on my last pair of pants!

Have you ever done something sexual that you regret?

Do you like to sit in the sun and tan when it’s hot out?

not really, I dont like being too hot

Ever had a person who was obsessed with you so much that it scared you?

Can you drive, and if you can, do you like it?

yes, I love driving most of the time

Have you ever said anything to the last person you kissed that you regret?

Do you like french fries?

yes

Have you ever eaten so much you puked?

not since I was a kid

Do you care about what others think of your physical appearance?

annoyingly yes

Would you rather go to Greece or France?

greece

#survey #long #very fucking long

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hannahvsana · 6 years

Text

An unnecessarily long post of self reflection which was meant to be a short update but got deep

It's one of those days where I just feel shitty. I think getting my period has triggered it, not only the hormonal part but mentally- I've never openly talked about it before but getting my period always makes me feel like I'm "not good enough" from an ED perspective. The voice in my head tells me I'm doing something wrong, but that's crazy right? I'm doing something wrong because my body is still functioning? I wonder if many people feel the same way. It is 3 weeks late which is concerning, but at least it means my bones are okay.

I'm also struggling a lot with food at the moment, I was before anyway, but I'm becoming really fearful again of any food, I'm at the point again where nothing is safe. I felt this way this time last year; food became numbers, numbers became less and less, until no number is good enough, it's all too much. The last few days I've spent in my room because I'm terrified of being in the kitchen alone at the thought that I might "lose control." I can't stand having food in front of me that I might pick at (other than actual meals), so I have to move it otherwise I get really stressed out. The other night I went out and I couldn't explain exactly what I was feeling (I think EUPD kicked in a bit then too), but in hindsight the fact that I was thinking about food and considering ordering some made me feel so disgusted with myself. Yet everything I think about comes back to food. My entire day surrounds when I'm going to have to eat, even now I'm thinking about the soup I have in the fridge which would be the only option that'd not cause significant awful thoughts at dinner. If I'm out with friends I think about when they might eat, and whether or not I can allow myself to have some of theirs, getting honestly so giddy and excited about the thought of having something "forbidden", only to be hit by a feeling of guilt and disgust for considering it. I get so excited when Sam says they want to order something because it gives me something to think about and almost obsess over, and sometimes I have a hint of freedom and have some, but when I'm in bed trying to sleep I think about it more and how I was "weak"

In bed, I think bad things about myself and it's my thoughts (not hearing voices or anything like that) but there's so many thoughts over lapping each eachother. It's so confusing when I'm trying to explain what my mind is saying because it's literally a cacophony of words. It's as if there's people in my head but they're all me, just different versions and they're all really mean. And the weirdest part is, it's all in third person. "You messed up" "you aren't good enough", and the other night, which I don't think was food related, was "you are unnecessary" on repeat. I don't know what that one means, but that word was going round and round my head until I fell asleep.

Sometimes I feel so excessive, not in a dramatic way as such, but just like I'm too much. I say too much, I do too much, I'm scared I say things that others may perceive me as being dramatic. I'm scared that I talk too much about myself, in general and about my mind, especially when it comes to my moods because I haven't yet found the right words to explain them and I feel stupid because what I feel isn't always on surface level so it seems like I'm making things up. Am I making things up? I feel like a really bad person sometimes. I do really want to shrink into a little ball, be quiet and docile, keep things too myself. If I did that then surely I couldn't be too much?

I rely a lot on what other people think of me, so the last point is very important. If something thinks I'm dramatic, overly invested in myself etc, then surely it had to be true because I don't have a real perception of who I am or what I'm like. On a base level I think I'm decent, my honest lack of self awareness or self worth allows me to invest in others and I honestly enjoy doing so, I feel genuine happiness when something I do makes someone happy. Not in a 'martyr' way, I don't place myself on any pedestal at all, but when people around me are happy or even just smile, it makes me happy because I have so much love for my friends and family that their happiness makes me feel happy. And sometimes I feel like my worth is based on how I make others feel. Thinking about that, one of my biggest worries is that I make people close to me feel bad, that I might do something that hurts them and a bigger worry is not knowing I've done so. If I were to do that, and sometimes I think I do, I feel worthless and that I'd be better off leaving or again, shrinking into nothingness so I can't do it again.

I also think my sense of self may be warped because every time I've had a bump in the road or very big dip in recovery, it's as if I become a new person. When I first got ill i strived to be, and became, more socialable, likeable, clever, etc. I enjoyed that, it was a new me and I worried about losing that if I stopped my 'thing' and that I'd lose everyone along side myself. So when I relapsed the first time I guess I almost want the new me back, but a levels were harder than GCSE, so I went the extra mile to try harder to become the "better me". Then when I went too far and was sent to stay with my cousin, I discovered that I could change again, maybe discover a newer new me if I became fit and healthy, maybe then I'd be likeable and clever and maybe care about myself. And for those two weeks I did, my mum said she didn't recognise the girl she sent away 2 weeks prior. In family therapy both parents remarked on their "new Han" (actual words). But when my psychiatrist stopped me and put me under home monitoring, the new me was stumped out before I had a chance to properly reinvent myself for the 3rd time. That was when I became properly suicidal and didn't care for the outcome, I didn't see any means of another reinvention. Which leads me on to this year- what went wrong? Why had this happened again. I know the initial trigger was seeing my weight in April, and it being my highest ever. But every other time I've gotten bad, there's always been a deeper reason. I don't feel new, I just feel like a nuisance, another issue my family and friends have to cope with for the 4th time in 4 years. Unnecessary. Perhaps it was because I wanted to be like 14 year old me, successful in my studies and likeable. I lost most of my friends last year, not necesarily close friends just those who spoke to me once but stopped, and even my best friend who I honestly loved. Why did they go? What did I do? Maybe that was part of the cause of this mess? Reading my diary from the start of this year I talk a lot about losing people I love so I guess so. But at least I'm planning my hopefully last and best ever and healthiest ever reinvention at uni. I don't want to do this again. I didn't mean to let myself get to this point but I'm scared of losing everything if it happens again. I'll do everything to stop this happening again.

I don't think I'm in a very good place right now. Another thought I've been having is along the lines of that my body is a canvas, I've always used it as a means of showing how I feel- ever since I was little I was expressive with my body language and tone of voice, to discovering self harm at age 13-14 as a means of seeing the bad things I felt on my skin for myself, up to trying to make myself "new" when my disorder took hold. But I've never been good with words. I can write, so if I have something important to say I'll write it, but in person I'm not good at talking, especially if it's on the spot advice. At this period of time, my mind is frustrated because I've been trying to use my words to say that I don't feel good, I don't want anyone to help as such, I just want to talk about it sometimes. But my body-canvas doesn't show that I feel poorly, I don't think I look how I feel; I feel as if my words are redundant. I'm trying not to mark my skin with lines for every bad thought I have in the moment, though it's getting harder to resist because my canvas isn't presenting the bad things im feeling and doing. Going back to where I started, getting my period today almost topped that feeling off. Inside I hurt, my body hurts, it's getting hard to climb up stairs without feeling a little dizzy at the top, standing up often makes me go blind for 5 seconds and my legs are bruising. But my body is showing physical signs that I'm fine. It has a cycle, I have the curves I've been cursed with had since I was 10 years old, I can smile.

I know this isn't recovery, not even a half-recovery, but despite this can it be called a relapse if I still care about the end outcome? I disregard this body as something to care for, for me it's a means of expression, that much is true, but I still want to start university next month and start my 4-5th and final recovery. I want to reinvent my body, make it grow strong and physical well, to show the start of my new life. An expression of 'the new me'. Maybe when that happens I'll begin to reclaim the body I'm in. I don't know where I'm going with this, I'm just writing how I feel. This is cathartic, many of the things I'm writing about are things I've never said or even written, or coherently thought about.

This post includes so many words I wish I could say out loud and finally I've been able to write it down. Nothing will come of it and I highly doubt anyone will read this all, it's unimportant, but for me my head is a bit quieter. Often, I sit in silence trying to put words in my mind together like a jigsaw puzzle. Unecessary. Periods. Dizzy. Scared. Excited. Unecessary. New. Shrinking. Unecessary. Canvas. Unwell. So yeah, this is a compilation, not a coherent one, of the things I've been thinking recently and that have been hurting me. Again there's nothing that can be done about it all, but it feels good to finish one jigsaw

#ed tw #personal #what is happening #ed recovery #anxiety recovery #eupd recovery #self harm recovery #im scared #self image

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forsythiias-blog · 6 years

Text

heyy there !! im rachel ( so new to being twenty i keep accidentally saying im nineteen / she & her pronouns / gmt ), and im gonna be bringing this lil serpent bb to life !! i hope y’all like her as much as i do, and if u wanna plot or anything, pls just hit that like !!

*　benedetta gargari, cisfemale, she/her, canon　━━　riverdale’s very own FORSYTHIA PARTHENIA JONES is now nineteen years old. she has lived in town for all of her life, bar a few years break, and pop never forgot her regular ━ fried chicken, chilli fries and a cold nehi on the side. you’ll likely find the student and part time waitress hanging around pops / the speakeasy, probably playing whats new pussycat twelve consecutive times on the jukebox or trying to survive her coursework. her friends on the southside will tell you all about how she’s individualistic, tenacious and morally sound, but others might describe her as loquacious or acerbic. oh well, no matter how you feel about jb / jellybean, you can’t deny that with her debate skills, she’s gonna be one hell of a lawyer someday. you can check out her pinterest board HERE !

it's the heat that drives the light, it's the fire that ignites, it's not the waking, it’s the RISING.

part one of three : bullet point history. trigger warnings for talk of infant health issues.

im gonna have to uh. ask for forgiveness in advance cause riverdale has nOT given ya girl a lot to work with in regards to jellybean, and the comics are another mess altogether. this is a history steeped in headcanon to flesh out what’s non-existent in canon, which i hope is all ok !!!!!!!!!!

august fifth, nineteen years ago. it was a sticky autumn night when forsythia parthenia jones entered the world with a pitiful cry - the only daughter of two southsiders, gladys and fp and the younger sister of jughead, she wasn't born to MUCH... which made all that she did have matter all the more. a mother and a father that loved her? check. an older brother she would someday idolize like no other? double check. a small ventricular septal defect, discovered only after her birth? triple check.

forsythia was, it seemed, destined to be a sickly child. her first few months of life were dotted with trips to the emergency room and visits to the family doctor, something always seeming to be wrong. infant colic was ten times worse. she caught a chill when she was two weeks old, and needed to spend a week in icu because of the resulting chest infection. the doctors who treated her at birth had been confident that over time, the hole in her heart - jellybean shaped, on the first ultrasound - would close by itself, as many do. however, it DIDN'T... and as she got older, the effects of this became more and more pronounced. she kept suffering chest infections. she wasn't putting on weight. breathing was, at times, a struggle - and she was sleepier than any baby they had ever known before. the original plan had been to wait and see and hope that forsythia's heart healed. at ten months old, when it became apparent that this wouldn't happen, she had to have a surgery.

your baby is supposed to be perfect. she's not supposed to take ill every few days, and ultimately require open heart surgery. it was likely a very HARROWING experience, and those first few months of forsythia's life were understandably marred... but if there had been any doubts before, it became clearer than day when she came out of surgery that the youngest jones was a FIGHTER, through and through. they'd been prepared for a month long wait to bring her home - it ended up only being a fortnight. she didn't cry, after. she didn't FUSS. it was like she knew the first while had been tough, and was hellbent on making everyone's lives a little bit easier, afterwards. lord knew the jones' needed it, considering the stress of her early months was just ON TOP of the stress of money.

now affectionately named jellybean after the defect she had survived, she grew to be a remarkably NORMAL child. there were some differences, of course, between her and the kids she grew up with - she required regular checkups, she needed to dress extra warmly in winter, and she always got a bit more wiped out than everyone else - but anyone told the story behind the scar in the middle of her chest gaped in SHOCK. the girl who swung from the lower boughs of the trees at the edge of sunnyside trailer park and sprinted after her friends full speed had once had a hole in her heart? impossible! that sort of health issue was associated only with those that had a lot less LIFE to them than the high-spirited girl that jellybean was known as, and never once did she allow it to define her. she was a SPITFIRE, pure and simple, and she's proud to say that never once did she sit out of an experience.

life wasn't all sunshine and adventure, though. not every child notices cracks in their home life as they're appearing. jellybean didn't - not until the rug was pulled right out from under her feet. to her wide eyed and rose colored self, everything seemed to happen over night. one day, she and her family were happy. the next, her dad had become an alcoholic, and she and her mum were in transit to toledo. she didn't UNDERSTAND the why of it all - couldn't have even hoped to, when she was still so young. the reality of her father losing his job and their lives going to shit thanks to it didn't sink in. all she knew was that she had lost the father she idealized and the big brother she wanted to BE.

she spoke to them both on the phone, of course. she was even lucky enough to see jughead a couple times - it must have been jarring for him, the first time he turned up to see that the pigtailed little girl who loved kids pop that he remembered had sheared her hair overnight and now listening strictly to pink floyd and the other classics - but it wasn't the SAME. it wasn't having their family together. to say her drastic transformation might have stemmed from a place of resentment towards whatever forces were at play in the ruining of her family wouldn't have been incorrect. jb wanted things to go back to NORMAL. it taking so long to do so killed her.

and what killed her more was that they never really did. she and her mom returned to riverdale, finally, but things never went back to how they were BEFORE. she learned not to talk about it, though, and now... well. NOW she's older, and wiser, and she knows how to hide her real feelings behind an easy bluff. there's nothing to do but make the most of what she does have and stop dwelling on what she used to, she supposes, so that's really all she's doing.

part two of three : headcanons.

first things first - law. jb hasn’t always wanted to be a lawyer. scratch that: she never wanted to be one, right up until she announced it was her chosen major. when she was still in single digits, she wanted to be a real life PRINCESS. no reason, per say, other than overhearing some of the older serpents sarcastically referring to the jones’ as southside royalty, and really running with it. when she hit doubles, though, and started growing up, jb decided ( right around the time she chose to shorten her jellybean nickname ) that what she wanted more than ANYTHING was to own a record shop. nothing too extravagant, really, just a first floor, one room sorta deal - she’d plaster the walls with posters of the greats and keep the merchandise in crates resting on rickety tables, and every friday night she’d hold a jams night where people could come and lounge around the floor on beanie bags, listening to some of their favorites. she had it all planned, and it’s still something of a dream - but if there’s one thing that jones’ family knows how to do, it’s sacrifice dreams for reality. with penny peabody DISGRACED, the serpents and southsiders in general need someone who knows them to represent them, when things go to trial, and feeling a sense of duty to the people she was raised around, jb bit the bullet and stepped up. she’s got a love for arguing and a knack for winning, so much so that god HELP whoever goes against her in a courtroom, someday - but it’s more a duty thing than it is her passion.

she has yet to officially join the serpents ( reasons tbd, though it’s not for lack of WANT ) - but jb went right ahead and got a tattoo on her right hand anyway, cause as a jones, she’s still serpent adjacent. the only difference between the picture linked and the one she has is that hers is done in white ink - her way of keeping things lowkey while still honoring her heritage.

miss her with a motorbike. they’re COOL and all, but jb values her life a little bit too much to trust a two wheeled death trip waiting to happen. she’s more into classic cars, anyway, and has pretty recently invested in the frame of a 1979 pontiac gto from the scrapyard, that she plans on fixing up to perfection.

her style is southside meets cute. of course she loves her leather and fishnet combos - but jb is ALSO a huge fan of dungarees and sloganed t-shirts in a whole assortment of colors. anything ‘edgy’ she wears ( big boots, mesh tops, the list .. could go on ) gets coupled with something a little less so ( pink scrunchies, colorful makeup, a disney bag ... again, the list could go on ), and that makes her her.

and finally, for now, cause i’m not sure i’ve done a good job of conveying it - jellybean is a good kid. she REALLY, truly is. she’s got some bite to her ( enough of a short fuse that it’s advisable not to test her limit ) & wouldn’t be her fathers daughter if she DIDN’T, but she’s also genuinely sweet. being a serpent doesn’t equal being a bitch, and so long as people out there treat her with respect, she’ll do the SAME. jb doesn’t turn unless she’s given reason to ... and if they do, she won’t hold back.

part three of three : wanted connections.

kids from the south ( or north ) side that are in or around the same age, who jellybean would have grown up with / went to school with !! they might have reconnected after she returned to riverdale and now know her as who she’s become, but they also might be people who she lost contact with for a LONG TIME and who never got to see her post transformation - any and all variance on this wc would be fun!

anyone attending riverdale college who she might, maybe, rub shoulders with !! i don’t know if there are any other law students here, but i’d still love the most mundane of connections - maybe they sit with each other during lunch, or they help each other study, or one time, jb dropped a book on their head in the library and they’ve been friends / enemies since! gimme anything !

regulars at pops / the speakeasy. so .. jb is pretty self sufficient, and she’s paying her way in terms of college by working shifts at pops and picking up extras in the speakeasy. she’d know a lot of people from that, i’d wager, and i’m sure she has her favorites!

more people southside serpent adjacent who she can play off of !! one of jb’s goals in life is to become an OFFICIAL member of the gang, which she hasn’t yet - but she is something of a southside princess, and that means she’d know most of them in some way!

p much anything else

i love her so much and just wanna throw her at everyone

#rvrdl.intro #「･ﾟ ♕ . ･ * she was a forest fire by design ― forsythia parthenia jones. 」#i like to call this ' me trying to come up w a reason for WHY they called her ( of all things ) jellybean '

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mindovermilitante · 6 years

Text

Taking back my life. Chapter 1...

Hi All,

My name is Nathan Militante. Approximately 4 months ago i thought i had it all figured out on what i wanted to do and where i wanted to go in this world. Im here today September 13th 2018 to tell my past self and the other who stumble upon this blog that it hasn't been what i expected. If anything its been the complete opposite of hat Ive wanted. But its funny when i look back on the things i wanted for the future i could never put an actual object to it. I think its always been somewhat of a feeling to obtain. The feeling-of accomplishment, or having done something important in your life, or even knowing that you're on the right path. Also sorry for this whole blog its going to be out of order, I feel its best to just type and let the words flow out, but okay back to the story at hand.

Its the middle of May. Im dressed in my graduation outfit getting ready to proceed through the ceremony. Millions of thoughts racing through my head. Where will i go from here, what will my education look like from this point on, who will i settle down with, will i trip on my way to getting my diploma? As i tried to understand what this day meant i think i started to formulate a plan of action. I think in my mind the idea of a plan always gave me an idea of a direction i wanted to go. And so the day went by and so did the expectation that my plan would develop. But as stated earlier, it didn't...or so i thought.

Speed up to today and I am currently working for Washoe County Health district as a health educator and disease investigator, I am currently living with 3 other of my best pals including my brother, continuing on with my photography, and in love with a girl i get to all my girlfriend. But yet through all that i still feel empty. Why?

You see my whole life has been a “Why”.

Why cant i just afford it

Why cant i just get this right

Why cant this just be easy

Why cant life just catch me a break.

In saying why all the time i realized how much i had yet to accomplish in my life. but why (see i told you) is it that i’m only 23 and stressing about all of this. It feels as if my life up to this point hasn't been much to celebrate about.

Sure college was hard but it wasn't that hard when your going full time and you have friends in college who are there to push you through it?

Sure rent is expensive elsewhere but our house is falling apart sometimes and my roommates drive me crazy.

Sure I can say i love my job but there are those days when i ponder if its all worth the cause.

Sure i love my girlfriend but at times we dont agree with each other and theres things that we dont get along with.

But thats just it...

In one fell swoop if already named of only a fraction of the things i have neglected to be thankful for... but yet i ask why.

Today is September 13th 2018 and im enjoying a nice lunch of grilled chicken, one banana, and a couple raspberries. Did i mention im drinking this gnarly concoction of garlic, lemon, and water to alleviate my blood pressure? 1 day ago I got the news that my depression and anxiety had come back and in turn raised by blood pressure. 6 hours ago i woke up with the idea that my life would never be the same with this diagnosis, 3 hours ago i was taking a walk instead of my usual run hating my life. and 30 minutes ago i was alone in my house pondering that ever so question i have been asking all my life...

Why?

It was only until our house dog looked at me in a way that made me look at myself. Kind of like that thing you do when you're drunk, high, or on cloud 9 in the bathroom and your thinking to yourself how did you get here and will this ever end. Instead the person in the mirror told me to type. type it all type it out and type until there is nothing left to type. And so Im here now typing and wondering where this will lead me. Its weird the idea of typing is actually somewhat exciting and relaxing. Of course i am also listening to the wonderful styings of Joey Pecarro. But as i type all of this out i begin to see what ive been missing or what has been missing for me to understand what i have. I love my life and where its gone so far. I love the process its given me, the challenges its set out in front of me, and the idea thats its only beginning. In doing so its also shown me how much i have to be thankful for.

First off my wonderful girlfriend. This beautiful courageous funny and loving person has been there for me ever since the beginning. Funny story i actually ghosted here pretty badly a couple moths after we had met. I thing the whole thing was because i was scared of what she would think of me. But she pulled me back into our relationship and time and time again she's pulled me back into the place that i belong. I love her immensely and i truly believe that most of my success wouldn't have occurred without her doing. I owe her a-lot and i hope to show even just a fraction of what she has done for me.

Second my friends. Wow dont talk to me unless you find some friends like mine! Ever since i could remember ive always been the type of person to move from group to group. it wasn't to say i didn't like anyone, i just couldn't find that right fit. And then freshmen year of college came along and in that hustle and bustle of university life... i found them. It isn't safe to say that they dont bug me sometimes but its also safe to say that they have saved me and molded me into the person i am today. I never once in a million years would've thought i would end up with these guys but im thankful for them each and every day.

Thirdly (i dont even know if thats a word, sorry not sorry) my family. It cheesy and a platitude to say everyone should be thankful for their own family, but my journey to liking them was somewhat of a rough road. To begin m parents are divorced so having that strain on the family really distanced me from accepting who they were. Another point to establish is that my family is very tradition on how success needs to be measured. Its “you're going to be a doctor” or “why cant you be like the other kids” and even “in life you need to accomplish things by this age.” Hearing those things really put in a position believing that they didn't care much about me. Only the life i was living. But as the years went by they understood me more and the success i wanted to reach the more they supported me and changed their ways. Today i owe a great deal of thanks to them and the foundational skills of hard work they have given me.

Now of course im thankful for so much more but dont want to bore you with that list. Ill just do it another day (haha). But i think to end this story i want to talk a little about what got me to writing this. Again I am terribly sorry about the horrible typos, organization, and all around messiness this passage has to offer but bear with me. tomorrow will be better.

Just as the title says “Taking back my life, chapter 1″, i really do want to take back my life. I suffer from serious bouts of depression and anxiety and for most of my life its been right there in the passenger seat ordering me where to go. But today ive decided to change that. I think today its not about asking why is this happening to me but rather saying to myself “its going to be okay”. Because at the end of the day it will be. But only if its done on my terms and my time. I know things take time and i know il probably have my days where it wont be perfect, but thats okay. i have to start living my life according to me, and not some mental disease. Im scared, stressed, terrified, and sick of what will happen now but those things keep me alive. Its by feeling those things that i know im moving on in the world. Forget a plan and forget trying to understand why something happens. Its time to take back my life and living it day by day with the ones I love. As for this blog i hope to keep updating it about my journey and the things i want to accomplish, the dreams i have, and the memories i make.

Seneccca said

“It is not that we have a short time to live, but that we waste a lot of it. Life is long enough, and a sufficiently generous amount has been given to us for the highest achievements if it were all well invested. But when it is wasted in heedless luxury and spent on no good activity, we are forced at last by death’s final constraint to realize that it has passed away before we knew it was passing. So it is: we are not given a short life but we make it short, and we are not ill-supplied but wasteful of it… Life is long if you know how to use it.”

Lastly, Im probably the last person someone with depression should talk to, but if you're out there and reading this and going through something. always know there is always something to be grateful for, someone to always know has your back, something you can always fall in love doing, and something to always look forward to. And if you cant think of anything I will always be there for you.

#taking my life back #depression #anxeity #mental health #support #stress #counseling #hope #happines

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human-zim · 6 years

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this is peak Tumblr drama. people demonizing each other after they break up, the source of the breakup not really clear at all, it goes on and on and on as they gain followers to rally against each other.. forced to pick a side, etc

HAREM MEMBER I can NOT believe how wrong you are. You must be new, so let me give you the FULL RUNDOWN OF SKOODGE AND I’S RELATIONSHIP (as much as I can recall, which knowing how great I am is EVERYTHING) under the cut:

- SKOODGE and I used to be best friends. ROOMMATES and PALS. It was so long ago, yet so recent...I’d say somewhere in March or April of this year, if you want go by the Gregorian calendar

- However I LOVED SKOODGE, inexplicably, unreasonably, that fat bastard had my heart. He was annoying! And a loser! But he was MY annoying loser. I would defend his honor with a passion

- I NEVER SAID this. Why would I? I did not WANT it to be true, I did not WANT anyone to know this! I have recently COME AROUND (after a discussion with @hi-im-tak) to this thing called EMOTIONS, however, and apparently I have lots of them. So I am open with this information NOW but not back then

- SKOODGE! That SCOUNDREL! After I had so RESPONSIBLY HELD MY TONGUE, guess what he did? HE SPILLED HIS GUTS OUT, ALL OVER THE CARPET. He just-! CONFESSES-! Sloppily, messily, ill-planned - like he had the right to the comfort of sharing one’s feelings - that HE TOO, HAD FEELINGS FOR ME, ZIM!! And Let me Tell You I Was LIVID. I was ANGRY. My THERAPIST told me that I was EMBARRASSED, TOO, which spurred some of the anger, but BAH!!

- I told that man I told him, I said “fuck you SKOODGE, you scoundrel you, look at what you’ve done” not VERBATIM but something like that. I believe he was sad about it

- all of a sudden EVERYONE WAS UP IN ARMS ABOUT IT!! Keep in mind, this was right after a set of individuals both known and unknown had been coercing me to, “come on ZIM, just tell SKOODGE you love him, you deserve each other, you deserve to be happy”... and right when I was coming around to the idea of it, getting ready, weighing my odds - that BITCH SKOODGE JUMPS IN AND DOES THAT and those SAME PEOPLE were then like “OH, ZIM, you were too harsh-!” “OH, ZIM, you need to apologize!” They were all thinking that I was SO MEAN TO SKOODGE when I rightfully called out his faults...but what they didn’t get was that it was, as the word goes, SWEET of me to say all of those things because I still loved him anyway...He was a loser, and that was just SKOODGE. So What? I didn’t care, But evidently SKOODGE did, and was all “”SAD””” that I said those things and EVERYONE was tellin me to apologize!! AS IF ZIM WOULD EVER!!!

- SKOODGE is resilient THAT IS HIS NATURE. He is not one to BREAK over silly things, and that is why I can say What he Is...he will bounce back. but if he DOES break, he GETS BACK UP AGAIN. And that’s what he did. HE GOT BACK UP ALRIGHT. Somewhere in him he SPURRED this, this, this - INCONSOLABLE CONFIDENCE that would NOT let me speak. He wrangled apologies out of me - everyone did - but I was still slighted, so I gave him the occasional insult myself. But I Apologized. Did He Forgive, Though? Did He?...

- I thought I could hold my own, I am ZIM, after all. I was not going to be controlled by this...I am ZIM and he is SKOODGE, I house him and care for him, he is a FRIEND. But he never relented to me, he never forgave, he never gave me an absolute “It’s Okay, ZIM, I forgive you for saying the accurate things you always say and also my previous ill-planned confession still stands.” No. None of that. And I found myself apologizing more and more. The insults...the apt statements...lost their fire. I was no longer weaving around the apology - no- I was SAYING IT, Up Front, and I was SAYING, UP FRONT, “I love you, SKOODGE.” I did not realize at the time, it was all happening so fast - SKOODGE was no longer giving me the time of day, and I was slipping down a hole. A manhole, a Sewer hole, with the rats. I was growing desperate.

- I asked, sometimes, on here. I asked Why, and my speech implied my troubles. I still got the same old responses - “You just gotta be nicer, ZIM!” “You just got to apologize, have a heart to heart, you’re hurt but he is too.” But I KNOW SKOODGE, if he was not willing to talk he WOULDN’T, and he is so much STRONGER that everyone was pegging him to be. I APOLOGIZED. I WAS NICE. he would humor me, sometimes, FINALLY relieving my mounting stresses, but he was gone before I knew it. And I followed. I followed! ZIM! A follower!

- He had grown SO COLD. I was MISSING my friend SKOODGE, MISSING my love and my roommate, I had had to come to terms with it then - I MISSED him, I LOVED him, and I APOLOGIZED - what else was I supposed to do?! He had become inconsolable. I don’t know what he was doing - RECLAIMING HIS LIFE, AFTER LIVING AS AN UNDERDOG FOR SO LONG? RELISHING IN THE POWER, OF HAVING SOMEONE CRAVE AFTER HIM? But being an underdog- that’s just SKOODGE. Acknowledging the will of others - that’s just SKOODGE. What was the problem? Why did he feel the need to seek this POWER after living as a shamelessly self-loving HELPER for so long? What changed?

- I have spoken with two - TWO - people privately on here about this...guess what they told me? Can you guess? “Just go talk to him ZIM, just talk about it!” but no no NO, couldn’t they see? It wasn’t up to me anymore! SKOODGE had all the power, ZIM had lost it!! SKOODGE had stolen it all from him after ZIM was a fool enough to show him his heart. He had me hanging on to every last word of his. It was never a lot - a word there, greeting here, just so cold, so distant. Wasn’t even AROUND half the time and he never told me where he was going. He shot an arrow at me once. Sure, I had done it to him, but in the name of SCIENCE and after he had consented to my vaguely described weapon trial run. You can shoot arrows at each other and still be friends - we had BOTH suffered worse. But it was how it made me FEEL - yes, FEEL. I was pulling the arrowhead out of my skin, and absolutely LOVING IT. I was LOVING the ATTENTION I was finally getting from him. he had ignored my messages ignored my greetings so this - arrowhead - meant the world to me.

- after the Arrow Incident I REALIZED that I was GONE. I was an EMPTY SHELL. What kind of invaderHuman Person LIKED to get hit with arrows? I had no control over my own home anymore, my own feelings, my own actions. My AUTONOMY - GONE. I was LIVING for this ugly motherfucker who lived in my vents and bred rats!! The ABSURDITY made me want to VOMIT once I finally realized it. But I couldn’t say anything. I COULDN’T. Not only would he just ignore me, but I was afraid of something worse than that. I was afraid that he’d leave.

- I know SKOODGE I know IrkensPeaople Humans and I KNOW how the cycle of power goes, Believe Me. You live it! You bore! And you walk. I was just TERRIFIED of the day SKOODGE realized that he was bored of me - he was staying out of MORBID CURIOSITY ALONE, I could tell, since he seemed to be living so well without me. I DENIED this at first and tried to give myself MORE POWER - I was like, OH, he is in MY HOUSE, he NEEDS me, and OH, he uses MY supplies, he must NEED me, but in reality...it didn’t matter at all. It wasn’t about me, and he didn’t need my stuff. He was just using it all. Cause it was convenient. Cause I was letting him, although I had no say in the matter any more - it was his. he stole it. He stole it all. And it was just a matter of time before he bored of me scrambling after him like a RAT IN THE SEWER, SEARCHING FOR THAT SWEET SWEET SUNLIGHT BY THE MANHOLE IN THE STREET IN WHICH HE ENTERED!! It was just a matter of time before he walked out with his bright pink thigh high platform heels, walked right on out of my life.

- BITCH ANON saved my life on this. After this was all clear to me, I realized that WAIT, I WAS ZIM, I am POWERFUL and ALMIGHTY and I shouldn’t have to live at the heels of those bright pink boots!! I shouldn't be fixin to get stomped on because it was all the attention I could get out of him!! BITCH ANON was the only one who gave me some solid advice at this point: they told me to THROW DOWN WITH SKOODGE and TAKE BACK WHAT WAS MINE. SKOODGE STILL IGNORED ME on this Messaging System but today it all came out..

- What you see today is ME BREAKING AWAY FROM THAT TOXIC BEAST!! He has had me BEGGING FOR BITS AT HIS HEELS for far too long. He is GOLD-DIGGING- HOME-WRECKING- HEART-BREAKING and just downright MANIPULATIVE and I am CURSING him from my home. I have built my HAREM, WITHOUT HIM, which is full of friends who support ME and ONLY ME, and I have appointed my good friend BITCH ANON as TOP BITCH, for they are always there for me, and had been, this whole time.

I am ZIM, AND I BEG AT THE HEELS OF NO MAN!! Especially not bright pink ones!!!

So you See, HAREM MEMBER, there IS a clear source of a break-up and there IS reason to “demonize” SKOODGE...he is a RAT BASTARD who broke my “”heart””” and for that I will never forgive him. It is CRUCIAL that my support system does Not condone that bitch for my own Safety and Well-being, and You, HAREM MEMBER, are no exception...I hope this was informative as to the intricacies of ZIM and why he absolutely will not tolerate SKOODGE-lovers in his HAREM :)

#(((uhhhhhhhh whoops lol got carried away sorry...this is alot i know for a shitpost blog and you dont have to read it all it's kinda long)))#(((thanks for putting up with the drama today yall!!)))#2dmensionz

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