#so let me live in lala land with this one

[obsessive-dumpling]

Chapter 395 is the equivalent of moving van lesbians a la Horikoshi.

[bangchansgirlsblog]

My Biggest Regret

Part five:

**

His arms wrapped around her as fast as they could. Pulling her against his body. He couldn't believe it. She was there.

The nights he would cry himself to sleep because of the lonely feeling that no one seemed to fill except her played in his mind. The days where he would pick up his phone to try to call her but knew he couldn't, played in his mind.

She was right in front of him.

"I missed you so much Aya," He whispered to Y/n. Her scent filled his nostrils and all of a sudden he was the 14 year old boy running around the playground with his girl bestfriend. So innocent, so happy and so in love.

"I missed you too Channie," she whispered back to him. She was trying to keep her tears in but she totally failed. The tears slowly wetting his hoodie. Just like at the airport but he didn't care, he never did.

"Hey, don't cry, you're too beautiful to cry," his touch was so soft. He wiped the tears from her eyes and kissed her forehead.

"Yuck gross!" Hannah exclaimed when she had realized the two were now just staring and smiling at one another.

"Hannah, Stop it! I've been waiting for years to see this happen!" Chan's mum smacked Hannah on the  back of the head before admiring the two lovers who were both in their own world.

Unlike Hannah who was rambling in anger while her mum and dad just admired the couple in-front  of them.

The rest of the boys sat in confusion. Trying to understand what was going on because they were very sure that their leader was in a relationship back home. They were sure that their leader was getting all the girls and screwing them every chance he could get so why was his mum calling them love birds? Did they miss a chapter? Did any of them know what was going on back home?

Han looked over at Changbin trying to communicate with his eyes, trying to get answers but Changbin, being his slow self, couldn't understand what was going on.

"Shall we show you guys to your room as these guys catch up?" Chan's dad interrupted the little chattering that was going on.

"Yes please," I.N replied and they all got up and carried their bags following right behind.

"Okay Chan, I'm going to say it. I.N is smoking hot!" Hannah exclaimed and collapsed on the couch. He looked over at his little sister and chuckled. He wasn't surprised at her reaction because when he was away she would always make such comments to piss him off.

"I don't think you want to mess with him, his quite the player," Chan responded.

How ironic Chan because aren't you the same person screwing other girls while you claim to love with your bestfriend?

Hannah whined and looked up to her older brother. "Ugh you’re no fun,"

"You missed me though," he teased back.

"Sure," Hannah stuck out her tongue and laid back down on the couch.

"I'll go take a shower and we can catch up yeah?" Chan hadn't let go of Y/n's hand. He was still holding on and he didn't let go. He refused to let go but if he did want to shower he eventually would have too.

"Okay that's fine, I need to set up the snack table anyway," she smiled at the older boy. The light in her eyes was brighter than ever and her skin was glowing. Chan couldn't take his eyes off her. Not at all but again he knew he had too. He finally let go and grabbed his suitcases to head to his room.

The living room was now boy free. Chan's dad came back to start on the grill and Chan's mum was by his side helping. They wanted to get everything ready because they knew the boys were hungry. Who wouldn’t be?

Meanwhile Hannah was complaining about how living with 9 boys (including her dad) was going to be the most excruciating pain ever.

Y/n on the other hand was in lala land. Chan was more handsome and the most beautiful. His muscles were bigger and he was way more taller and his jawline was sharper than ever. He was just perfect.

"Y/n dear, will you help me bring out the drinks?"

"Yes, sure auntie," she replied politely then made her way into the kitchen and she grabbed the beers and soft drinks out of the fridge. She then put them in the coolers and started making the punch and put it in jugs.

"Do you need help?" A low voice makes her jump. She quickly turned to look at the door where she saw non other than Hyunjin.

His hair was wet indicating that he had came out the shower and he was dressed in sweats and a shirt. He had a soft smile on his face.

"Um, no not really. You should go sit down. You've been traveling for hours," she smiled and continued to pour the punch into the jug.

"Yeah but I'd rather help. You all have already prepared such a nice meal. You might have been in the kitchen all day,"

"Not really no, would you like something to drink maybe?" She asked the boy who was now leaning on the counter watching her in awe.  He was admiring her. Who wouldn't? She was so beautiful.

"Hm, what about some of that punch. Did you make it yourself?"

"Yeah I did, my mum taught me how too," she grabbed a cup and poured some punch and passes it to the older man. He took a sip and quite literally moans.

"That's really good," he said while his eyes were wide in shock.

"Thank you," she giggled and walked over to the cooler to carry it.

"No let me," Hyunjin said realizing how heavy it was. He didn't mean to get close to her the way he did but in a way he did mean too. He wanted to feel her and he was slick with it.

"No it's fine-" but before she could protest his body was against her back and his hands reach over her carrying the cooler over her head and out of the kitchen.

She stood there in shock. His body was against hers and she couldn't help but turn red. If anyone had seen that it would have been a problem.

"Hey Y/n? Mums wondering if you could bring out her wine for her," Hannah's head popped around the door.

"Okay, coming," she grabbed the bottles and made her way to the living room where she finds a few boys sat on the couch watching football while Chan's dad was setting the stuff on the table.

She handed the bottle to Chan's mum and sat next to Hannah who was now sitting next to I.N.

The two were talking about something, totally in their own world while mama Chan was getting to know the boys better.

Slowly by slowly the whole living room was filled as more of the boys came out of their rooms. Chan came out last but was eager to talk to Y/n.

He wanted to know where they stood. He wanted to know how she was. He wanted to know if she was better. He most importantly wanted to apologize but he wouldn't get the chance to because his sister grabbed him once he walked downstairs.

He was confused. Why did his sister need to talk to him? Did he do something wrong?

Y/n knew what their talk was going to be about so she wasn't surprised. She was just worried about Hannah. She Was praying that she would get her closure and that she would stop being mad at him.

The two disappear out back brining Y/n’s attention back to the living room and the people around her.

"So Y/n, You and Chan..." Seungmin spoke up over the noise. "Are you guys a thing or something?"

"Uhh," she didn't know how to answer this, "we used to be? I geuss," she takes a sip of her drink.

"Uhhh, so how long have you guys been bestfriends?" Felix joined the conversation now interested as well.

"We were born two weeks apart. So ever since I was born," she let out a small laugh and smiled over at the boys who were so intrigued by her, "How's straykids?" She asked them.

"A lot of work, just really busy. But really fun. A lot of parties a lot of events-"

"A lot of girls," Han interrupted earning him a huge smack on the head.

"Ow! What?! It's true!" Y/n looked at them suspiciously but decided to shrug it off.

"Maybe one day we can take you to an event with us!" I.N smiled cheerfully.

"Uhh no! I don't do parties." She shook her head and put her drink down. Eager to know how Hannah and Chan were doing.

"Um...I'm going to check on those two, I'll be back," she informed everyone in the room and headed to the back yard. She spied on them. Trying not to be seen but when she looked at both of them, her stomach started to turn.

The both of them were in a heated argument. It was clear. It looked like Hannah was the one yelling the loudest. Y/n knew she had to step in or it could go left.

It took guts but she walked out to the garden. Their conversation becoming clear to hear.

"You weren't there Chan!"

"What do you expect from me Hannah?! I'm busy! I have a life and I can't keep coming back to Australia just to see you do little things that you're probably going to forget!"

"Oh wow! Chan, you know in my lowest times I thought you would be there. You weren't. Y/n was and she is the best older sister I have ever had and you will never ever be half the women she is, I don’t even know why your back after all these years! We were fine without you!"

**

[laladellakang]

YES YES YES PLEASE I’m literally down for anything whether it’s a drabble or some ideas u just had just give me sth 😭😭😭( on a serious note tho it’s fine take your time love)

thank you so much!! here’s some of the drafts i have so far! maybe you guys have some ideas to add on these?

"Della?" Jungwon looked up from his phone to look at the girl beside him. He could've sworn he heard her breath get heavier.

"Look at Koya!" her eyes were watering when she showed him a video of her youngest cat. "He's so cute," she tried to blink the tears away. She can't ruin her makeup or she'll get scolded and probably cry harder.

"He really is so cute. He kinda looks like his mom," he helped fan the tears away. "Here, have a lollipop."

"Yay!"

[della’s period episode]

"It also sucks that I wasn't the first one," SHIT, I'm fucking blushing.

I know these guys literally just asked me to be their girlfriend but it's still crazy to me that they actually have feelings for me. Like- Jake actually wants to kiss me? Holy fuck.

[first kisses, della’s pov]

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"We can have a few sessions together if you want. That way we can meet more often," it's no secret that Kazuha (well.. Le Sserafim in general) wants to get closer to the girl. Given that they're the same age, in the same industry, from the same company, and that she can speak Kazuha's mother tongue really well.

"I would like that," Kazuha reciprocated Della's high-five.

[extras: hybe caterers]

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"Guys- go play the strawberry game or something with the kids while Jay and I check in," Heeseung instructed the rest of Enha.

"Okay, hyung, "Okay, oppa," the six and their kids watched them walk away.

"Let's get some boba," everyone agreed with Sunoo's suggestion.

They knew that they can't play such games in places like the airport. They'll be way too loud.

[the en-family goes to disneyland tokyo]

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"No but- I'll be so offended if my cooking skills were compared to Sunghoon-oppa," Della joined. "Niki and Sunoo are not that bad."

[ Park Sunghoon (20): Number 1 worst cook in ENHYPEN ]

[en-o’clock 14&15]

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"So Della, you're going to be standing on top of here, and just stand there," the staff instructed the girl dressed in a white gown. "We'll shoot a few far away shots with Enhypen in the bottom and then you can come down for the close ups, okay?"

"Yes, understood," Della nodded her head once.

[au: nonidol!della]

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Della would say that she was comfortable with virtually all of her stage outfits.

Everything was tested beforehand so she was never worried about flashing anyone, especially with how hard their choreos go.

[della wardrobe malfunction (or something like that but i just can’t figure it out)]

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“Hear me out..." Heeseung leaned against the sink. "Have you ever seen any of us naked?"

"Bro- ew," Jake's eyes widened.

[nsfw: ramyeonz threesome]

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"You're gonna win. No way," the older laughed. "Try with one of the guys."

"Let's try, Lala," Youngbin suddenly offered.

[scenario: the guys getting jealous during i-land]

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"Two what?!" Jake asked, laughing at what Della called them, causing her to burst too.

"Today I was supposed to be alone but two invaders decided to join," Della translated in Korean, talking in between laughs.

"Guys she called us idiots!" Jake protested, still off-camera and making Della laugh more.

"Sunghoon-oppa and Jake-oppa!" Della announced with an applause. The two boys appeared from both sides of the screen, Jake from the left and Sunghoon on the right.

[v-live: jallahoon (y’all this was OLD OLD. over a year old omg)]

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several thumbnails i planned to use but… idk now

[della living up to the korea’s siren title]

[kang della giving major dom vibes]

[whoever put tyd together is a genius]

[enhypen: our favourite poly couple part 63278129]

[stormblessed95]

Okay, why do you people get so upset when the question is about Tae kook. Same like when the question is about Jikook, all you have to do is clarify what you think happened. Yes, "I think I heard Jk's voice". Or "no don't think it was his voice". As simple as that. Or whatever else.

You guys are so scared to debunk any ot7 or Tae kook stories now.

Some people probably just genuinely didn't understand what was told, since there many translations and ot7s spreading information.

I've done many posts in here about the causality of my inbox. Please go find them or just for a second imagine what my inbox looks like after any moment ever. From both tkkrs, jkkrs, anti shippers etc. The ones yall see are rhe tip of the iceberg. You don't want me posting everything. I promise. It's 1. Hateful shit, and 2. A waste of everyone's time to constantly repeat myself.

So no, I'm not scared. I'm fucking exhausted. And I don't give a fuck anymore. If you don't watch content and don't form your own opinions about shit, it's not my job to do it for you. And for you to tell ME of ALL people that I'm scared to debunk moments/information/stories is laughable. That's so much of what I do here. I have a whole section of my masterlist dedicated to correcting misinformation. But it's not my job. Want me to care more? You are welcome to pay for my services. Otherwise, I'm just going to enjoy BTS content the way it deserves to be enjoyed and let everyone else go fuck off into lala land if they want. Because who the fuck cares what tkkrs are saying? If they want to say taekook live together and had a board game night with their friends over and JK was hiding behind the door but we still heard him over vlive, great. Let them. Who cares. It's not my job to make people actually use their brains here. I do it anyway ALOT. SO MUCH I STEP PEOPLE THROUGH THINGS AND HELP THEM THINK FOR THEMSELVES. But I'm exhausted and I don't care that much about everyone's insecurities or confusion. I gave you the exact quote of what was said. And the ability to decide what that means is up to the individual. My opinion is not anymore important or factual than anyone elses.

And if you don't like how I answer MY asks, don't send any then or you can just...

You don't own my time and I don't owe you or anyone else my time or my opinions.

[notesfromthepalace]

Convos

Something that seems to find its way back in to my conversation with my friends, sister and boyfriend is that I have had a very interesting life that most women who look like me may have never experienced or may not ever experience. And these conversations usually follows the listed topics:

Dating

Education

Standards

Self-esteem

Recently, my sister came to visit me. I am really thankful for the relationship we have; We're more than sisters, we're soul mates. I am also thankful for the fact that my sister and boyfriend really have that bro/sis bond which really warms my heart.

Yes, so when we were driving my sister to the airport to catch her flight, we began having a conversation about our upbringings. For instance, my boyfriend went to boarding school from his early years until completion of high school, my sister and I (although we went to public school), lived in a very diverse community that had options for us both to play soccer, lacrosse, and cheerleading, along with play the violin. This seemed pretty normal to me, but they both made it clear that I was living in "Lala land".

I have an idea of what the poverty rates are for Black America, and I also know that even though we do not all embody the stereotypes that society likes to impose on all Black people, could it be possible that a vast majority of us exemplify those stereotypes daily? That was the basis of our disagreement for two hours.

For me, when I look at my friendship circle and break it all down: we all grew up in two parent/married households, we all played sports and instruments, we all had cars by 16, and we all went and graduated from college. So yes, it does amaze me that being in my close girlfriend circle, and also making new friends with other Black women where that is there background as well, I was thinking we made up at least 45% of the Black population in America.

Wrong.

And to my dismay by the way.

But after wrestling with the fact for weeks, I can understand now why people believe that I am an exception or an anomaly. And this is not me saying that Black people are a monolith either. I am just a part of a small group that I didn't believe to be this small.

Let's start with dating.

We all know I love my African King.

But even before we started dating, I always had an affinity for foreign men and older men 30+. And since the age of 21, if a man showed interest in me, there was no "Netflix and chill" or come over. If you're interested, show me, prove it to me. Now, did I ever say that, girl no! But how I carried myself as a young women spoke enough for me.

For example, when I was 21, I lived in the Poconos of Pennsylvania while I was interning at a pharmaceutical company. There were two men who were very interested in me that I met at the gym. One was a Columbian who was 31 years old and the other was an Ecuadorian man who was 28 years old. The 31 year old Columbian was a marine, and our first date was an all expense paid trip to a spa with full body massages, facials and champagne. Never did I kiss this man, sleep with this man, nothing. We simply would go out to dinner and meet up in the gym to workout. The 28 year old was a restaurant owner and our first date was him closing down his restaurant with a beautiful Ecuadorian feast prepared by himself, and the next date was a shopping spree. Again, both of these dating experiences were strictly platonic. And If I am completely honest, I have always been like this. With my current boyfriend, we didn't even kiss until he officially asked me to be his girlfriend friend, and that was a month after we had started going on dates. When I have had conversations with some new girlfriends, they were astonished. The older ones are even more surprised, that was how I was moving even as a 21 years old.

And let me tell you, that summer was also the year I turned 21 and the best summer of my life. Summer 2019 was a movie.

Education.

Now, I consider myself a lover of academia: I love school, I love learning, I love research. I understand that to be considered an "academic", you need to have a PhD, but for me, I believe I am a Black Academic; I am a black woman who has educated herself on black studies while in college and during my personal time, I also have a degree in chemistry, I have two IT Certifications, and I am currently embarking on my nursing journey. So for me, as a woman who has a degree, certifications, obtaining another degree, traveled and well read, I am my own version of a Black Academic.

36.1% of Black women have degrees. But that 36.1%, are they the ones pushed to the front when the world speaks about Black women?

No.

Standards.

I am so grateful for the father that I had. I have high standards because of him. My father came to America from Haiti, worked day in and day out, to support his family and give us everything we wanted and needed. He also worked while attending school obtaining a dual degree in engineering and business management. That being said, if that was the father I had, what would ever make someone believe that I would accept any form of treatment subpar to that. I believe in a man being the head of the home, which comes with specific responsibilities. And when I felt like someone didn't meet that metric, I kindly declined their advances.

Now, not only are my standards high when it comes to finding a husband, but my standards are high with every aspect of my life. Due to my parents providing me with a great childhood, I could only go higher/further. I have been able to provide myself with the same, if not better, of a life.

I have made my home my sanctuary. All that comes in and out are prayers and good vibes. So there is a certain level of rift raft that I do not allow access to not only my life, my home, my energy, etc. There are plenty people I do not talk to anymore, there are places I don't go - I know my worth and value and best believe, I have added tax.

High Self-Esteem.

I also believe there are certain things I refuse to subject myself too because my self-esteem is through the roof. I left my old profession because I think too highly of myself, and was no longer willing to be in a space that had me acting out of character.

Essentially, the previous organization I am referring to, and have referred to in other blog posts, is the army. And this will not be a "army-bashing" post. The army isn't bad, its most of the individuals who are running it. Essentially, most of the personnel I had run ins with lacked a personality outside of their rank or title and were bothered that I was "Sarah Chanel", not "army person Sarah". So, once my time was up, I eloquently removed myself, it no longer served me to be there, and its okay. But when I would talk to people who I thought were mentors to me within the army, women of color specifically, they tried to encourage me to stay in. Not knowing I had observed how their professional and personal lives were, and with all do respect, no thank you. Again, I think too highly of myself to force myself to stay somewhere simply for recognition or the "want to belong". I am a child of the Most High and very, very, very, highly favored, that longing does not exist for me.

I feel like this was a lot, but that is honestly what most of my conversations have consisted of over the last year - and politics - but I will not get into that here.

Again Sissy Poohs, I will be better. I promise!

With Love,

Sarah Chanel

[prism-stone-planet]

Ok so here’s my long ramble-y thoughts about Idol Land Pripara after playing it for a bit. I’m just gonna write what pops into my head first lol so anyway:

Coordes

I really love pretty much all the new coordes I’ve seen, they’re all very cute and pretty and very Pripara esque imo however the only downside is that some of them cost real money and are pretty expensive, even the non new ones and the ones that cost silver Idollars can be quite expensive too

It also sucks that some coordes are locked behind the paid gacha and it’s rates aren’t the best (1.5% or something chance of getting a Premium Pripara Rare so good luck getting Amari’s Cyalume) and there’s no spark system. If you get doubles you get points that contribute to your gacha meter that can get you Silver Idollars, Promise Tickets, Exchange Tickets or Gacha Tickets but you’re mostly gonna get Silver Idollars and Promise Tickets which idk doesn’t feel like a fair exchange.

I do like the Coorde sorting system compared to the Switch game tho

Silver Idollars

One decision I’m baffled by is how Silver Idollars expire at the end of the month. I thought it was because Silver and Gold Idollars were the same except Gold are paid and they didn’t want people saving their Silver so they’d never need to pay for Gold but there’s some stuff you can only buy with Gold and some you can only buy with Silver and you can’t buy Silver Idollars or (to my knowledge) exchange Gold into Silver so why does Silver expire???

Live Promises and Songs

Live Promises are fine enough, it plays pretty much like the Switch game and I like that you can just tap anywhere on the screen to play and not the button. I also appreciate the screenshot button but idk it feels too small to me, I keep missing it when I try to click it. I also find my phone gets really hot when playing Live’s and a lot of Making Dramas aren’t in E.g Baby Monster just gives you After School Heart Dash or whatever it’s called

There’s a small selection of songs rn which is a shame especially since a lot cost money but I hope they add more soon especially ones not on the switch.

It’s nice you can pretty much play Pripara as much as you want by doing other people’s Promises but you get so little Idollars and Likes compared to doing one you created. I’ve also found that a lot of times when I go to join a promise, it’s already full. The promise list also loads slowly. It’d also be nice if it asked if you wanted to change your Coorde before doing a Promise.

Also this is a nitpick but only Lala’s voice plays with the new Welcome to Idol Land making drama and not mychara voices. Also found a glitch where mychara voices get put as Genki even though I set mine at Ootori or whatever it’s called.

It also sucks with Live Promises you can only play as anime characters if you do official promises that have them and even then you can’t change their Coorde.

Snapshot Promises

I really enjoyed doing these in PriChan but it’s a shame that they give less Likes than Lives (at least I’ve found) and you can only take one pose pic of your character and the rest are other players characters. Like, I don’t really wanna take pics of random strangers characters lol

Photo Studio and Photos

This one’s kind of a let down. I think it’s paid only via the Monthly Pass but I forgot to check before I bought it. There’s only a handful of poses and pre-existing backgrounds and the photo quality is so crunchy?? Also speaking of photos, I kinda hate that I have to upload it to Pristagram if I want to save it in good quality to my phone. I’ve found it takes forever to upload and it doesn’t even indicate to you that it’s uploading because the screen just freezes and I had to try and upload pics twice today because it wouldn’t work the first time

Anime

Talked about it a lot before so won’t talk about it a lot here but I’m still disappointed they didn’t decided to release official English subs for the anime especially after subbing Primagi and making the game region free.

But I think the anime is the best thing to come out of the game, Amari is a great character, new songs are great and the animation is great

Other

Nitpick but it’s a shame the rank system is different now. Now it’s just rank 1 or rank 2 instead of like “Fledgling Idol” or “Kami Idol”. Also the lovely Coorde change jingle glitch that plays even if you’re not wearing a lovely Coorde that’s from the Switch still exists :/

I think that’s all I can think of rn. Overall the game could definitely be improved especially with how it took 3 years of delays to release like this. I also hope we get more character parts soon especially the fluffy pigtails because I wanna make my character Dia. Sorry this is so long lol, if you made it this far then thanks for reading

[ask-serendipity-sky]

Im absolutely flabbergasted by army lol. It's the way they show EQUAL hype to all members projects announcement. Idk how can someone pretend it like that. How can you be 24*7 hyped about 7 different people's works which is announced back to back ? I'm still not over FACE. 'Oh Namjoon will release a song aknzkwmxnskzkwms' next second 'oh Tae will release an album znndkwksmsmamnsn' the very next second 'oh JK will release a minialbum akndjwndoowzndks', How lmao, I can't even pretend.

Oh Yoongi release concept pics ? Let's be a cult and change everyone's pfp to same pic. Oh JK announced new song ? Let's add 'by JK' to our dn. Oh hobi releasing JITB ? Let's add a joker card to our username Etc etc. So pumped and so dramatic only to give them 7 different treatments lmao. The numbers don't lie and this over dramatic response to each and every new song announcement is not translated to output.

JK gets a 10M stream on 1st week average, Jimin gets a 6M stream, Yoongi get a 2M stream, Joon barely on chart by end of the week and hobi already out after a day 💀💀💀💀 so all those drama for what ? To show they are as excited and equally supportive of all 7 members ? To prove they are OT7 to the core ? Then why results are not seen lol. There are many factors which affect the numbers but being out of chart in a week too extreme while other member stays for months is not giving 'Army treats everyone equally' shit.

I think people should be really honest with their reaction to members announcements. There's no need to 'pretend' and give fake hype only to drop them after day 2 and let other small fandoms drag them. Idk if it's to get followers or to live upto their pure blooded ot7 agenda lol but either way it's not working and it shows in result. It's like giving members too much expectation during project announcement and release only to drop them after the 2 days of release

Hi anon,

But it's social media and this is expected. You got to be ot7 or you are an anti. You are a Blink!

Like the other day when someone sent me an ask saying they thought I didn't like BTS because I write mean or sad things or don't mention them (something like that). Because I don't live in lala land and write what I see.

But in real life, I buy their solo music. Which is what the guys need. Support in their solo projects. And I add most of their singles or collabs to my Jimin playlists. Most.

I don't make a big deal about it on twitter but then I see the people with the little 7s and Celine and FACE with D-day and Jack and CK with Dior lol

I get your frustration lolol I really do.

But if people were honest, they would all be solos probably. So it's easier to pretend along.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

By the way, you all know the picture that Jk had for a tiny bit on weverse? This one:

So when Jk did that, EVERYONE did that. But that has been my pfp since I opened twitter. And by now, you all know I'm petty as hell and I was so mad because everyone looked like me! And it seemed like I was part of the sheeple copying Jk but I just really like this picture of Jimin.

Jk and I are so alike, I swear. Sometimes, I have dreams where we both go in search of Jimin lol like we are buddies. I get you, Jk. I really do.

[indiejones]

OF 1940'S BOLLYWOOD'S CHILDHOOD FRIENDS -TURNED- (DIRECTIONLESS & LITERALLY NAMELESS) NEW PESHAWARI KIDS ON THE BLOCK! - OF VASUDEV & RANBIR ! ... OOPS ... YUSUF KHAN & SHRISHTI NATH ! ... OOPS ... DILIP KUMAR & RAJ KAPOOR!

Did you know that the Dilip Kumar- Raj Kapoor friendship goes back not just to their childhoods growing up close by in Peshawar, but to literally several generations back, with Dilip's Dad being best friends with Raj's Grand-Dad ie Prithviraj Kapoor's father, their ancestors in fact having grown up in the same locality all life.

Infact 'tis via this friendship with Raj's grandfather, Lala Basheshwarnath, that Yusuf's father came to crystallize his dislike for the acting profession as a whole, letting no opportunity pass by in unabashedly criticizing his friend's son Prithviraj's wayward ways, in front all & sundry incl Yusuf, in a profession that he regarded of loose moral values & low prestige, this outlook also borne of his staunchly orthodox Muslim views on life, also simultaneously being heavily politically involved in Muslim politics, alongside the Ali brothers, & a big supporter of the Caliphate Raj idea itself.

So anyway, once in Bombay to try his luck (for as he narrates, "any job available whatsoever in Bombay Talkies" (the story leading to which we've already narrated in our Dilip Kumar-Ashok Kumar blog), he landed up bagging not just any, but the main lead's role, for which was also offered a certain pretty handsome salary price. But what really set his interest going, was that this sum, was much much higher than the salary being received by his good friend & only person he really knew even remotely from the movies then, Prithviraj Kapoor's son, Raj Kapoor, who he was in regular touch with, & who'd been working as an Asst Director in the same studios for some time too! Which is why, as he humorously recalls, unaware of the (perennial) hierarchy btwn Assts & Heroes, he had to get it re-confirmed from studio bosses, whether this offered sum was a monthly or yearly figure!

Next problem though, remained in informing his father of this new job placement, which he knew, would be totally & utterly against his express & strongly held beliefs! And so, afraid of his father's wrath, decided to not tell his family of his new job placement, as long as he could avoid, a very important turn of events in the story, to what was to follow next - the naming of the new hero, a routine affair in Bollywood back then!

Studio bosses came up with 2 alternative names, Dilip Kumar and Vasudev!

Dilip recalls his immediate reaction being, "Anything but Yusuf Khan pls!"

He amusingly recalls, how he too, just like the whole world, would learn of his new, & forever re-christened name, from the morning papers of a month later. And Dilip Kumar was born!

Also re-birthing his old childhood bond with Ranbir (birth name Shrishti) now re-christened Raj from their kiddy Peshawar days, a time he would fondly recall in interviews many decades later, of those nascent times of 1945-46, when both these to-be pillars were yet wannabes-

Dilip says: "Both us friends lived in constant fear of what'd happen at the studio each next day. And he (that's Raj, being an Asst Director, & incharge of more petty matters) would keep harping on small things & what all could go wrong, & I'd keep scolding him for always bringing it up & spoiling my mood."

Dilip continues- "I also had a fondness for watching good films, many many times...upto 3 theater shows a day, & that repeated for many days, if a film fascinated me enough. While Raj was not of the same view. He found the repetition confusing, moreover and thought it a waste of time. I always defended myself, by pointing to the quality of films (intl & natl) being watched by us here, & the value of our purpose. Anyway, what I imbibed from my observation, as one starting out, was the minimal amount of acting being done. I recall him saying once, "Listen,what we'll do is change it. Do it differently, this & that..", & I immediately reacted, "NO. I WILL NOT DO IT. I JUST WON'T!" "

How was History to know, while one became the grand "Showman"of Indian Cinema, the other would go on to be called the loveliest & among the Greatest Method Actors the world's ever seen!

[wind-goddess-eri]

Joker’s Wild (Shang Tsung xFReader) Chapter 8

Meanwhile…[Bi-Han P.O.V.]

Something's on Shang's mind. He's fidgeting like he's had one too many beers. I should probably not mention that I've just bought some candy for You and Mileena. That ought to make her mad enough to forget being embarrassed. Sure as hell would do wonders for me!

Wow…I can't believe she let me take it further! She's always so shy! And prudish, as Shang claims. I think she's perfect for me, even if she is a prude. She's logical yet knows that even rules have limits. I love it when she breaks the rules; it shows me the true rebel I know she can be. That and she's the most interesting person, besides you, that I've ever had the pleasure to come across. And she's all mine.

Shang's hand waving in front of my eyes brought me out of my daydream. "Bi-Han, hello? Are you there?"

"Knock it off," I groaned as I moved his hand away from my face. God only knows where that thing has been!

"Well, if you'd answer my question I'd be happy to not think of you as a nit-wit."

Quickly I tried to think about everything he'd been talking about for the last few minutes while I was off in lala land. Damn, I can't remember anything. "Uh, remind me what the topic was about."

"You weren't even listening!" he complained. "Great. Wonderful. Fantastic! It was sad enough that I was asking you of all people in the first place!"

Now I was confused. "What in the name of the elder gods are you talking about Shang?"

The sound of his sigh indicated that he really, really wanted to talk about…whatever it is he wants to talk about. "Fine, I'll say it again. Well Bi-Han, you know how I already proposed to Y/N, right?" With his skin getting flushed it helped me remember why he would be embarrassed.

"Yeah…you screwed up from the original plan. I mean, come on! You just got nervous on her and asked her like it was no big deal!" Oh yeah, Shang fucked up on that proposal big time. "Just be happy she actually said 'yes' to you, after the stunt you pulled."

"I didn't know she was actually going to eat the new candy experiment I made once I pulled it from my pocket!"

"Which then turned her tongue purple and gave her blisters in her mouth, might I add."

"I'm still shocked that she ate it without even asking what it was, or even noticed that the ring I hid in the wrapper was even there! What was I supposed to do? I said the first thing that came to my mind and considering I'd been dead set on asking her to marry me anyway that day that was the first thing that came out of my mouth. I was worried and nervous."

"So what does that have to do with anything?" I questioned him. This ought to be interesting.

"I want to ask her again, only this time it would be more romantic. No silly trick for candy. This time it won't be a nervous joke."Was I hearing my boss correctly? He actually wanted to be romantic? Well, who was I to put a guy down when he was out for something he really wants. "Well, do it then!" He seemed relieved by my answer. I didn't question why though, it wasn't my business.

Quicker than I could ask he picked up the papers from several locations that were renting space out and grabbed my hand and we went straight for the weapons. He didn't have to tell me twice where we were going; shopping. On the way home we stopped by a candy shop and he picked up a box of candy and put the new ring he'd bought for her inside. With that done we went to the store and he bought her a Root Beer and stuffed it into his bag.

It took several minutes for us to get home, we headed inside, noticing both Y/N and Mileena cleaning up the many boxes of pizza and soda that littered the living room. Both girls smiled at us and proceeded to clean.

Nervously Shang removed the candy box from his coat pocket and walked over to Y/N. Looks like he was eager to get this done with. "Y/N, I know I love you more than anything in all the realms, and I know that what I'm about to ask you I already have; I'd just like the chance to make it right this time." Smooth, Shang. He went down on one knee and handed her the box of candy. Her eyes got big, knowing that inside that little box would be sweets. Slowly he opened it and her eyes got even bigger. By this time I was surprised she'd remained quiet. "You, will you marry me? Even though I already asked?"

Any second now she's going to do one of 2 things: scream or eat the candy then scream. "Yes," she whispered. To say that I fell over in shock would be an understatement. 'Yes'? That's it? No drama? I'm slightly confused. Then she screamed. "YES! YES! YES! YES!" she was so loud I think my ears bled.

[traumatizeddfox]

I've seen a bit of NPD discourse on your account. And I kinda want to put a personal anecdote to help people see some nuance that I think you might appreciate.

My girlfriend and I both have a parent with NPD, but they couldn't be more different. NPD doesn't make them abusive, their actions determine whether or not they are.

My mother is an insecure type, meaning if her sense of self is challenged all defence mechanism trigger and she becomes angry and sometimes violent. She is also self deceiving and is at least partially aware she "lives in lala land" as she says. I've always felt like I only matter to her if she can brag about me, but if anything is wrong she ignores it and plugs her ears and pretends it's not happening. And when I try to talk to her about those things, she gets angry at me and some how warps herself into the victim. Like when I was sexually abused in high school by a coach of mine that she absolutely loved. Still to this day she doesn't think of it as abuse, she invited me to be her plus one at his wedding and was mad at me for getting upset. I've suggested therapy to her, but she refuses and continues to hurt me and my brothers regularly.

My girlfriends father, tho I didn't know him before he went to therapy, was controlling and belittling of my gf and her sister. I believe he thought being hard on his kids would make them tough but according to my gf, he made it all about himself and how they make him look. But when my gf started to get violently bullied, like beat up and harassed for a hormonal disorder, he picked up on how hard she was having it and how he wasn't helping. Most people in her family went to therapy, where her dad learned more about how to respect people's boundaries even if he can't understand why they're there. To this day he can't empathize with people easily, but he actively tries to be thoughtful and honest about his position. He can still be a hard ass and a bit of an ass, but he is so much more willing to listen to people now.

My mom is a non-self critical abuser with NPD, but my gfs dad is self critical and actively works not to let his NPD make him abusive. NPD doesn't make anyone an abuser, the way they treat people does. If they can't take accountability, if they don't care about hurting people, that's what is inexcusable, not simply having a mental disorder.

exactly this! I wish people realized that its not the mental disorder that makes them abusive, its their actions!!!

[multiverseofmisfits]

Déjà vu in Unworldly Encounter

Do you believe that all lights in the sky are STARS and that your FATE is written in them?

"You're not actually going to that world on your own, are you? You do know that ever since you left the Dai Gurren fleet, you can't just go into other worlds on a whim."

"So what? I have my way to get there. It's not often I hear you concerned about me."

"Knowing how reckless you are, I doubt you'll even get there safely. I doubt that your immortal ass can save you from that."

"Sure, mom. Do you really need to sound like Lala? I know what I'm fucking doing. It's not like I'd go there without a reason anyway."

"With those reasons you told me, they don't convince me enough to let you go on your own. Do you really have to do this anyway?"

"If that witch is in that world, then yes. I may not be part of the crew anymore. But I still have some unfinished business with that bitch."

----

A few days passed. The beastman, in his mech Enki, managed to reach his destination. Though it may not be the exact location he expected to land on, ending up in what seems to be a mysterious forest.

"Damn. This is one creepy-ass forest. I should probably adjust the coordinates next time. Anyway, what's with the damn are-"

"You smell strange. Not from here."

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" The beastman was startled when that boy suddenly appeared from the bushes. Perhaps he didn't expect anyone in this forest? "Sure. I smell strange and I ain't from here! Thanks, young Captain Obvious!" Of course, there was sarcasm in his tone.

"Fuck? Captain?"

"Kid, that sounds weirder if you word them like that." At least that gave him a hint that the boy struggles with vocabulary. "Whatever. I'm guessing you live here, even though this whole forest smells like there were rabid dogs around here."

"This forest where wolves live. I live with them. They're my lupical." Due to how he struggled with his words, it was difficult to tell whether he was offended or was just explaining things.

"Lu-what now? Sounds like you're the same as that guy in old fairy tale books, except he grew up with monkeys instead of wolves." It even made him wonder if the wolves in this world were like those in his homeworld. "I gotta say that story was ape shit."

"Ape... shit? What's that?"

"Oh, it has lots of meanings. If you really wanna know, you gotta tell me first where the fuck we are and maybe what's going on around here."

"Okay. You don't smell like bad person. I help." He didn't actually trust the beastman that easily though, right? "Are those claws? So big. You must be strong too."

"Yeah, these are real big-ass claws- hey." He got interrupted when the boy seemed to be inspecting his clawed hands.

"Really? Not seen people with claws before. Wish I had big claws too."

"Wow, kid. You must be into big claws, huh? Can't say if you'll have them when you grow up. Enough of that for now though. You still need to tell me where we are... wait, do you even have a name?"

"I am Razor. This forest is Wolvendom. Wolf family lives here. Not too far from city."

"That's some lazy-ass name to call this place. Also, I bet you have siblings named Blade and Scalpel. Well, it's not like my name's any better. Anyway, you can just call me Viral."

"Oh, Viral. Nice to meet you. Do you hunt too?"

"Heh. You're asking me if I hunt? With these damn claws, I do. Not a single prey can get away with these." That may be an exaggeration though, for the inescapable part. "You know what, you got me in a good mood now. So how about after showing me around, I'll teach you some moves I know?"

"Really? I work hard then. Want to learn from you."

"You mean it, General? I'll work hard for the crew then. I'd also like to learn more from you."

"What the fuck was that?" That voice he heard for a moment wasn't from this boy. It felt familiar, yet he couldn't recall who it was. Was he mishearing things then? Shrugging off what he thought was just his imagination, Viral looked back to the wolf boy.

"Damn, you're easy to convince. We might as well need to work on that too. Anyway, don't tell anyone about me being here either. Got that, Razor? Otherwise, we'll both get in trouble."

"Okay. I won't tell."

"Good. Now that it's settled, lead the way around here. After that, we start our little training."

[cyarsk52-20]

Vanderpump Rules Season-Finale Recap: The Scandoval Has Landed

Photo: Bravo

I always say that what I love most about The Real Housewives is when the franchise is like a Tennessee Williams play. This absolutely perfect, incredible, amazing, insightful, emotional, disgusting, and profoundly impactful episode is like Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf. The first ten minutes, when Ariana and Tom go over everything that just happened, is the best breakup fight I have ever seen. Even better than the gut-wrenching Tom and Shiv savagery in this season of Succession. It was handled perfectly. There is no music, no sound effects, no intrusive editing. It was the opposite of how we usually watch reality, where the editors try to drag our emotions hither and yon. Here they didn’t need to. They just lay back and let this unfold like an episode of Couples Therapy.

Throughout the whole discussion, Ariana gives this man no mercy. He says he lost his mojo, and she says, “So fuck my friend. Get your mojo back, fuck my friend.” He says that he couldn’t get an apology out of Ariana in the last few months. She says, “The last few months, you were already fucking my friend.” He tells her about how he and Raquel had a deep connection. She says, “Don’t you fucking talk to me about your deep connection.” He says that he’s seeing her tomorrow. She says, “Are you going to kiss and hug and talk about your deep connection?” He says he doesn’t know. She says, “Why couldn’t you just say no.”

Then she says the line you could never write, the absolute guillotine: “I regret every moment I ever stood up for you. You are worth nothing, and I want you to feel that deep in your soul. I regret ever loving you.”

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It’s perfect. The whole thing is perfect, and this man is getting everything he deserves. Ariana’s grieving is also perfect, though we never wanted to see her in this position. She is the woman scorned, and she got on-camera with a fucking blowtorch, and I am in absolute awe of her.

We’ll get back to Sandoval in a minute, but let’s talk about everyone else’s reactions to the scandal. Katie, Lala, and James, who were always anti-Raquel, continue to be, but now they’re on the right side of history. I loved how Lala (in her “Send it to Darrell” merch) and Katie rallied to Ariana’s side and how Katie and Scheana put aside their beef due to the circumstances. The one scene of the episode I really didn’t love was their call to Raquel. James gets her on the phone on speaker with everyone else in the room being silent, and they just taunt her. James says to her, “You literally just trashed [your friendships in L.A.] for Sandoval’s little cocky cock. His stinky 40-year-old cock.” Well, I guess it’s progress when the first insult James goes for isn’t that he’s fat. We don’t see how this phone call ends because she probably hung up on him, but the whole thing felt very sixth-grade sleepover, and I didn’t like it. Yes, Raquel did a reprehensible thing, but why not reserve all this hatred and taunting for Sandoval?

I felt the same way about Lisa. She says that Tom and Ariana weren’t having sex, and then comes this gorgeous beauty queen who is clearly down for it, and “it was too much to resist.” No, this is not Raquel’s fault. Well, it’s not only Raquel’s fault. It’s not because she’s gorgeous or likes to have sex. There is no such thing as too much to resist when you are in a monogamous relationship of ten years. It is Tom’s duty to resist all of that, and Lisa, who has been happily married since the birth of Methuselah (who is also her husband), should know this better than anyone.

However, I did love that she offered Ariana a place to live. Can you imagine if Ariana moved into Villa Rosa, a Sweetgreen flagship store that only sells miniature ponies? Where is that sitcom? Too bad there is a writers’ strike on, or I’d be scripting it right this minute. When Ariana visits, Lisa is very supportive and tells Ariana that things will get better; she just has to wade her way through the dumpster fire covered in sewage and Tom Sandoval’s pubic hair that is currently her life.

Tom’s visit is very different. I love that Lisa isn’t taking any shit from him, even when he breaks down, sobbing into his hands. Ugh, his unmoving forehead and his white fingernails while he cries. It’s a no from me, dawg, but a no so big you couldn’t even wedge it into the Grand Canyon. But Lisa takes a great tone with him, condemning what he’s done and how he’s treated everyone, particularly Ariana, but also giving him just enough comfort to get by. At the end of the day, she is a maternal figure on this show, and while she can hate what he did, she can’t fully hate Tom. Well, at least not as long as she’s making money off of him in various and sundry ways.

The MVPs of the reactions to go Scheana and Katie, opposite sides of the same Alta Beauty compact. At Ariana’s, while her gays are breaking Tom’s precious dick flute, Scheana tells us about her altercation with Raquel while filming Watch What Happens Live. (I love how this episode treated them as people on a show and how this talk show, BravoCon, all the press coverage, and other outside influences of being on a reality show affect their real emotions.) She says that she shoved Raquel hard but didn’t punch her. She shows us, in a confessional, that she can’t even make a fist with her nails, so she can’t punch anyone. Hello, this is science and is admissible in any court of law. That is why the restraining order got dropped.

That Scheana gets the final scene of the episode is also perfect. She talks about how she was friends with Sandoval first and, other than Schwartz, she was the only one in his “camp” this entire season. As soon as she heard the news, she left him immediately, and she gives him absolutely no sympathy. When he talks about how he tried to break up with Ariana and she threatened suicide, Scheana tells him that is when you call in her friends and family to support her, and you do the hard, difficult thing of ending it without, you know, fucking her best friend. Scheana turned on a dime to do the right thing and delivered another perfect speech that deserves, if not an entire EGOT, at least an Emmy and a Tony, the only two of those awards that really matter. “I don’t know where we go from here,” she says. “We’re obviously not friends anymore because I can’t support anything you’ve done anymore. And I’m really going to miss you. Right now, you don’t deserve any friends, and I can’t get behind any of this.” That was his last chance at an ally, and he blew it.

Katie won’t talk to Sandoval, of course, but she uses her opportunity to speak with Schwartz to ask him what he knew, when he knew it, and what he did to stop it. He tells her he only knew for a month and then Katie brings up a comment he made at BravoCon. Katie reminds him that when Raquel was parading around in a Tom Tom sweatshirt with nothing on underneath, Schwartz said that she wasn’t fangirling for him. When he denies it, Katie says, “Why don’t you get on the right side of everything and shock everyone and tell the truth for a change.”

He actually does and says that he knew about the one-night stand, but he thought Tom would break up with Ariana so he wouldn’t have to do anything about it. This has been a bad season for Schwartz, from the sniveling way he treated Katie during their divorce to covering up for his best friend (which we’re reminded Tom, Tom, and Jax have been doing for a decade). But the worst was tonight. When his best friend shows up with his life destroyed, he’s not worried about him; he’s concerned about their bar and his reputation. The only thing as selfish as what Sandoval did was how Schwartz reacted to it.

Even when he shows up to talk to Ariana at the rooftop bar, he tries his old puppy dog, “Isn’t this place cool” gimmick on everyone, but they’re no longer buying it. Even as Katie is trying to get him to take responsibility for his part in all of this, he’s talking about how he’s worried about man-eating crocodiles in Florida. Come on, Schwartz.

We don’t get to see much of Raquel in the episode, just the one scene where Sandoval goes to her house and she’s alone with all the lights off but her fucking galaxy globe like she’s a 12-year-old who just got caught sneaking out after curfew. She seems to have little remorse for what she did, just that she’s so isolated. Well, no duh! Everyone who liked her (um, Scheana paid for her apartment???!!!) she just totally screwed over for Sandoval’s cocky cock. (Ugh, maybe James was right to be so cruel.) It’s still hard to get a read on her or what she really thinks about all of this. In the scene, she and Tom share “I love you”s, but we know that they have just broken up today, so we know how it all ends. I have a feeling that we’ll be talking about her next week in the recap of the reunion. (Yes, that’s right. I petitioned Daddy Moneybags Vulture, the owner of this website. He has allowed us to keep the Vanderpump Rules wing of the Real Housewives Institute open for another three weeks.)

What really galled me, even more than I thought he could, was Tom Sandoval. It starts at the very top of the episode when Ariana talks about finding the footage of him and Raquel in a mutual diddle (at Schwartz’s!!!!) on his phone. “It’s something I normally would have deleted.” Excuse me, “normally would have deleted” [insert every exclamation point ever made]. Why would you have something like this on your phone often enough that there would be a plan of action? If you are in a monogamous relationship, you should not delete it because it should not be something you record. It should not exist.

When Ariana sits down with returning champion Kristen Doute, she says something very powerful about how she and Tom kissed while he was still with Kristen. She says that, at the moment, you think it is situational. You think that a specific set of circumstances lead you to this point, so you make some compromises. But what she learned is that is who this person is, and it took her nine years to figure this out.

I think the same is true for the audience, and that is why this scandal has greatly impacted the Bravo community. Just think about all the things that we’re not revisiting, the cold cases that ain’t so cold anymore, as Lala says. Tom trashed Kristen and made us all think she was awful for cheating on him with Jax, but he was doing the same thing. He made us all believe that Miami Girl was a crazy stalker trying to get on the show and Kristen was evil for bringing her around. Then we find out that, as he says, “Ariana always knew the truth about that.” So he did fuck her.

Then there’s the Billie Lee of it all, and there were rumors that they were sleeping together that everyone so easily dismissed. When Tom is talking to Scheana, he says he cheated another time on Ariana, and it wasn’t with some random person. So is it Billie? Yes, these are not circumstance; these are personality traits. And every time this trait came about, he dissembled and lied about the women in his life so that we would believe him so he could remain likable at their expense. That is what galls me: that he played all of us, constructing so many villains around him that we couldn’t see that he was the Keyser Söze all along. And for that, I’m sorry, but we can’t forgive him, even while he’s giving us some of the best, rawest, realest television I’ve ever seen.

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Photo: Bravo

There has been nothing ordinary about this season of Vanderpump Rules, which, for my money, has been one of the best seasons of reality television of all time. That includes that Daddy Moneybags Vulture III, the owner of this website, is letting me recap all three parts of the reunion, which he hasn’t done in years. Historically I hated recapping the reunions because nothing happens. Other than talking about their dresses (and Ariana’s revenge dress is perhaps one of the most iconic reunion looks of all time), there is little to parse. It’s just who said what about whom and who said it the loudest.

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Dame Brian Moylan breaks down all the gossip and drama, on- and off-screen, for dedicated students of the Reality Television Arts and Sciences.

Sent from my iPhone

[justbreathingair]

Time for a change of pace

because I finally feel like I’ve found my place. At home, tea in hand, vinyl spinning, and lights twinkling; this is my wonderland.

Memories of being 18, backseat of my girlfriends suv, blasting music that seemed so obscene, yet our ears couldn’t get enough, so we kept it routine:

Overhearing my newly adult girlfriends speaking of acts that I couldn’t believe. Was I truly that naive… or was there something faulty with me, like an unoiled machine? My thoughts didn't flutter to those places. My mind full of daydreams, flowers, romance, laughter...but never betrayal like the kind I was over hearing.

Again, was there something about me; broken and faulty?

Soon to learn that closest devoted friends & companions would then be men. Living in la la land with my best companions, which many birds seemed to fancy, as l’d sit & watch the lassies and fraus come and go from our tiny home.

The night comes after a year in lala land, with my devoted friends where I’m confronted with what I knew would come sooner or later:

“Caroline, what are you going to tell your children 15 years from now?” Yea, when I was 20 I was hanging out with this famous person, and that person.” Your life is so unreal, yet I present you, and bring you around all these guys, these men, and even though I may scream at them that they are never allowed to touch you with a ten foot pole… why won’t you just find yourself a boyfriend? What is holding you back?”

My mind astonished that my best friend had caught onto my ways of pulling away & not letting my being be emotionally available, I finally didn’t feel so unseen.

My explanation on that night drive home was an explanation of apprehension; an apprehension I never thought I’d feel declaration to once again. “Matt,” I said, “If I open my mind, my heart, my body, my soul… what will that only lead to, one year, two years down the road? It will lead to a night drive analogous to this. Yet, with no dubstep playing, none of you two lovely goon best friends; brothers, roommates & also protectors, being jolly & drunk in my backseat…

but it’d lead to a night drive of heartbreak.”

Safe with myself, safe with my happiness, knowing there would be no future sting to come.

12 years later, & although I may have stuck to my guns for what felt like quite an era. Matt’s words echoing, vibrating, ringing & resonating… I opened my heart some quick years later to come.

12 years later, the apprehension is being watered, growing like a vine & I can feel it in my spine. Climbing, clinging, and spreading.

12 years…

It might be time for a night drive, a night drive with my my true best friends. A phone call, a fire pit sit, warm drinks in hand to reconnect, & to permit my eyes, heart & soul to open once again.

It may be 12 years later, yet I still feel faulty, maybe not wired the way I should be. So much I could never be, so much I could never do, yet so many women have this courage to reveal themselves, or no self guilt when toying with multiple men or women for self gain. Am I lost in an era of only fans? Or am I simply not from this era? Or am I faulty?

Another reason to leave LA, & another reason to walk away.

[laladellakang]

fmv: della and jungwon (AYEz): the softest duo

masterlist | wattpad | requests / ask enhypen 

2022.02.09

[italics dialogue = english]

requested!

dewon moments since it's jungwon's buurthday!

in general, more dewon moments

jay being soft for dewon

i finished this in less than a day so i’m sorry if it seems rushed/subpar 🤒

#1 (dewon v-live)

The video started with Jungwon and Della staring at each other with so much love and admiration as they took turns telling a story.

#2 (comeback show behind)

"Jungwon! Explain why we are AYEz," Della pulled Jungwon to the camera just as he was about to go away.

"Ah AYEz is because..." he stayed quiet to think.

"You don't remember?!" Della looked betrayed.

"No no, it's supposed to be 'eyes,' right? Because of our pretty eyes," he cupped his hands around his eyes and stared at the camera.

"That's right, but I suggested for the spelling to be a-y-e-z just to be more interesting," she cupped her hands around her eyes as well.

✄✄✄✄✄✄✄✄

"De-" Della did a peace sign next to her right eye, moving closer to Jungwon's side.

"Won-" Jungwon did the same next to his left eye, also moving closer.

"AYEz!" they shook their hand up and down while wrapping an arm around the other.

#3 (dewon v-live)

"Your nails are so pretty," one of Jungwon's hands was placed on her chair's armrest while the other played with her fingers.

"It's all your hair colours, y'know," she smiled at him with sparkly eyes.

"Ah really?- Ahh that's right!" he grinned. "Heeseung-hyung. Niki. Sunoo-hyung. Sunghoon-hyung, Jay-hyung, me. Jake hyung," he pointed to each nail. "I wish you put yours too."

"It's right here," she referred to her hair with a giggle, causing him to giggle as well.

#4 (compilation)

A small collection of them feeding each other.

#5 (given-taken behind)

The camera zoomed in to a sleepy Jungwon sitting between Della's legs on the floor. The girl was running her fingers through his hair while listening to a staff member.

Jungwon was slowly dozing off. He occasionally closed his eyes with his head drooping along. Though he still tried to keep himself awake, so he would force his head straight back up.

"Cute," Jay smiled endearingly when he noticed. "You two are so cute."

#6 (enhypen&hi)

"Do you know how to braid hair?" Della looked at Jungwon, who was playing with her hair.

"Ah yes! I do!" he sat up excitedly and immediately got to it when Della did as well. "Ah but your hair is not all the same length like my noona," he noticed parts of her hair had escaped from the braid.

"Yeah, I have layers. Sorry, wonie," Jay moved to sit beside the girl, pushing her bangs and loose hair behind her ear.

"I think it's really pretty like this," he smiled.

#7 (en-o'clock)

"Yeah! We did it!" Della immediately hugged Jungwon while spinning around. Their faces were filled with absolute delight.

Sunoo and Heeseung pointed at the two with a light laugh.

"Cutee," Jay laughed along, forgetting about his team's defeat for a moment.

#8 (i-land)

"Jungwonie, fighting!" having him switch his part in I&credible was stressing him out so Della went over to his room to have a (much needed) cuddle session. "You're amazing, you know that?"

"Thank you, Lala," he rubbed the side of his face to her hair. He let out a breath and closed his eyes in relaxation.

✄✄✄✄✄✄✄✄

"There's no way you're getting eliminated. No way," Jay and Della were clinging onto Jungwon as the I-Landers were gathered in the blue room. He ranked 11th last round, which meant that he was nearly eliminated.

"I worried so much. If you got eliminated, I was going to break the egg and run out of here."

#9 (compilation)

It was soon followed by clips of Dewon hugging/cuddling moments.

#10 (enhypen episode)

"I'm scared that I'll kick you or you'll slip if you try to lift me up with one foot," the two were talking about their stunt for their 2020 Gayo Daejeon performance.

"Ahh."

✄✄✄✄✄✄✄✄

"Woah! I didn't kick hard eno-" the two laughed when Della was clinging on in an awkward position.

"You should come down," Jay came over to help her.

✄✄✄✄✄✄✄✄

"You were too soft," Jungwon fixed his gloves.

"Okay, let's go," Della mumbled before attempting again. This time, successfully. "Yup, there we go," she helped him up and gave him a hug with a giggle. "Sorry, darling."

Jay watched from the sidelines and turned to the camera afterwards.

"Why are you watching them?" he was asked.

"Oh no, I'm just concerned for their safety. I was originally going to do the stunt so I know how it feels."

#11 (group v-live)

The two were sat beside each other on the sofa and Della was playing with his fingers.

#12 (en-o'clock)

"How are you so good?! Last time you went ice skating was in I-Land, right?" Jungwon was in awe (and very confused) at how stable Della was.

"Wonie!" she spread her arms out so he could skate into them.

"How are you so good?! We would've fallen down months ago," they were both still standing up while bear-hugging.

"I don't know!" they both giggled.

#13 (compilation)

Della is aware that Jungwon likes to stare at her. The girl is also aware of the effect it has on Engenes. While know one knew, she purposefully pretended that she didn't realise at first for the build up.

The collected clips started off with just Jungwon ogling at her. Then it eventually escalated to Della doing the same and ending with them doing it at the same time.

#14 (compilation)

Everyone wishes that Della would be able to sit on the guys' lap in public, but since she isn't allowed to, she loves to pull Jungwon onto hers. There's also clips of them on each other's back, piggyback style.

"He's so fluffy I'm gonna die!"

#15 (en-connect)

When Della was crouching down and crying, he was the first one she clinged to.

"Our members have been through a lot. Can we get an applause as an 'I love you' for them?" he stroked her hair to help calm her down. They stayed that way for a few moments before she pulled away.

Though Sunghoon immediately pulled her into a hug afterwards.

#16 (dewon v-live)

"Your lips are very soft- I MEAN they LOOK very soft. Sorry sorry," Jungwon placed a hand over his mouth out of embarrassment. He let out a nervous laugh as a light tint appeared on his cheeks and ears.

#17 (group v-live)

While some of the boys were talking, Della was busily poking on Jungwon's cheeks. After a while, the guy decided to poke on her cheeks too. The two couldn't stop grinning.

"What are you two doing?" Jay noticed, letting out a light laugh. "Cutee."

#18 (compilation)

It's the times when they needed to compliment each other in interviews/shows.

"Jungwon is a great leader. Despite being so young and also being the second maknae, he is able to lead the team in a very admirable way. He cares about us a lot and I just hope that we can continue to be better members- a better family, so to speak, for you. Thank you for everything, wonie. I love you."

"Della has been a person who I can really rely on. She has the ability to really calm someone down, she has a very comforting presence. I think we learn so much from you, both as an idol and as a person. To be honest, we were all- including you, a bit worried about you being the only girl but you really bring the whole group together and I thank you so much for that."

"Della has hidden leader qualities and I think that's why I rely on her a lot. She's incredibly calm and wise, which- if I'm being honest, annoys us a lot at times, since we keep thinking 'how is this person really mature at such a young age?’ Yet she is not weak, she is extremely strong, extremely brave. She knows us very well and she can read people easily so she caters to what we are like. I just hope that she will be a bit more selfish because she always puts others first. I hope that.. we can all be better people in the future."

"Jungwon.. He's very good in a lot of things, I do think that he’s a bit of an ace. Besides being a great leader, he's an amazing performer, an amazing idol, and an amazing person all around. It's an absolute honour to be placed in the same group as him. I feel a bit bad, seeing that I can be a bit of a troublemaker and that must be frustrating for him as a leader. I'm really grateful though, because he never once tried to change me and- you all, in general, always accept me for who I am, and.. let's just be happy forever, yeah? I love you."

taglist! @hoonstrology @jaetint @afiaaaa19 @1-800-enhypennabi @studioreader @one16core @sarang-wonie @sleepyenhasasha @ilyxion @toriluvsfics @i90snoo @fairydosii @danyxthirstae01 @seulgifted @clar-iii @hiqhkey @nichmeddar

[happys-crazy-queen22]

I'm The Right One For You

Gif credit @spooky-cory.

Requested by @stellarosedutton. I hope you like it Thanks for the request.

"Rip, Rip, babe"? Snapping your fingers in front of Rips face. You were trying to talk to him about the kids but he seemed like he had something more interesting on his mind and in his sight.

"What"? Rip, huffed turning his head to look at you.

"Where are you right now? I'm talking about the kids and you're off in lala land".

"I have lots of shit on my mind. I cant be talking about the kids, right now". Rip grumbled and grabbed his beer off the table and walked out the door.

You chewed on the inside of your cheek as you watched the kids play with their uncles. You knew this job was hard on Rip but you thought it would be easier if you and the kids were there to help out.  But it just seemed to make things worse for Rip and you.

"You okay"? Lloyd came over and sat down in Rips spot.

"Yeah. I'm good".

"You know, ever since you and Rip got together. I could tell when you lie. It wasnt very often but when you did, you always said "I'm good". Not your normal bubbly self. So what's up"?

"I think, Beth Dutton has finally sunk her claws into Rip. She has been awfully flirty with him and he just shrugged it off at first but now I think they have something going on".

"Why do you think that"?

"He's distance. He never comes home at a descent hour nowadays. We havent had a conversation longer that "get to work". I'm starting to worry.  We havent had sex in months. We use to do it every night".

Lloyd couldnt hold in his laughter. "I'm very aware of that. We could hear you miles away. But dont think to much into it. He's just stressed and hes working to hard". Lloyd tried to reassure you but it didn't help.

"I know. But something is wrong and he wont talk to me". You sigh running your hand through your hair.

"You need some sleep. Why don't you take the kids and head to bed. We'll be quiet".

"Yeah. Thanks for the talk, Lloyd".

"Anytime, sugar". Lloyd sent you a wink as you grabbed up Carson, your 2 year old son and Neveah, your 3 year old daughter with Rip.

Carson was already asleep when you hit home, just a walk down the trial. Neveah was a little chatter box. Opening the door on the house, you got a not so suprising shock. Your suspicions were right. Quickly covering Neveahs eyes with your hand.

"You cheating fucking bastard". Your voice made Beth giggle and Rip freak when he saw you.

"Its not what it looks like". Rip tried to explain.

"Did you slip in shit and went dick first into Beth's pussy"? You asked sarcastically.

"Dont cuss in front of the kids".

"Oh so you can cheat on their mother in front of them. Because this right here will scar them for life before me saying dick and pussy will. You fucking asshole". You grabbed up Neveah and headed back to the bunkhouse.

You kicked the door open as Rip was behind you. Everyone got quiet as you came in.

"Did you all know"? You asked everyone staring at you.

"No". Lloyd looked at you then to Rip with a disappointing look.

"Can you watch them so I can cool off and figure out what to do? Because I'm not staying here". You handed Ryan Neveah and laid Carson down on the beside him.

"Yeah, no problem".

You started outside and grabbed a sledgehammer on your way out that leaned against the house.

"Y/N, what are you doing"? Kayce heard the ruckus and came running out of the main house. Rip didnt follow you. He was probably getting a ear full from Lloyd and the others. They seemed to care about you more than Rip did.

"Stay out of this Kayce". You growled, going up to Beth's car and smashing her back windshield.

"Oh fuck". Kayce exclaimed, his hands going to his hair.

You smashed in her side windows and then her windshield with ease. You were beyond pissed.

"No no no". Kayce went to waving his arms.

Then you went on to Rips truck, you climbed on to his hood and smashed his windshield.

"That's my truck". Kayce yelled his neck vein popping out as the moonlight hit him.

You looked in the truck, there wasn't two carseats for the kids. "Why didn't you tell me beforehand". You screamed back.

"What does no no no mean to you"? Kayce dramatically through up his arms.

"Sorry". You got down from the hood of the truck and walked over to Kayce, who was having a nervous breakdown over his windshield.

"Where's Rips truck"?

"At your house, I'm guessing. Damn it, Y/N. Why did you do that for"?

"I caught Beth fucking Rip in our house".

"Shit, I'm sorry. You can continue on her car if you want"? Kayce chuckled, he tried covering his crying as he went up to his truck. "I love this truck".

"I'll pay for the windshield. Well, Rip will".

"Yeah, okay". Kayce sniffled and turned around to you. "You wanna talk about it"?

"Nah. I'm okay. I saw it coming. It was just a matter of time. I just wish that Naveah hadn't seen it". You handed Kayce the sledgehammer.

"Oh no. I'm sorry. That sucks".

"Yeah, so I'm going to go get the kids and go home. Rip can fuck off. Sorry again about your windshield".

"You need help? Um carrying the kids"?

"Sure. Thanks". You slightly smiled and went to the bunkhouse. When you got in the kids were asleep. Rip was gone and the guys were quietly playing poker.

"Thanks for watching them. I appreciate it". You told Lloyd and the others as you scooped up Carson.

"Any time. We're sorry about you and Rip. We gave him a lashing.  He's sorry".

"Yeah, well. Fuck him. Thanks again".

Kayce and you started walking down to your house. The lights were out so you knew Rip wasnt home.

"You sure you want to stay here? You know, after what happened"? Kayce asked walking up the stairs, Naveahs arms wrapped around his neck.

"Shit. I didnt think of that. We'll just avoid the couch. Just put the kids in their beds". You chuckle as you opened the door. You averted your eyes and headed to Carsons room.  Laying him down gently and kissing his head, before stepping out. Kayce met you in the hall way.

"Before you go can you help me"?

"Sure. Anything".

"You want me to touch that"? Kayce gagged as you laughed. You wanted the couch out of the house.

"Just grab it and let's go".

"They were naked. Doing the nasty".

"I thought you were a country boy. Not afraid of anything. Not some wimp".

"You've seen Rip naked and shit. I havent. I dont want the mental picture and his DNA all over my hands".

"Quit whining. I didnt want to see your sister balls deep on my boyfriend but I did. You can handle a little Rip jizz". You say with a laugh as Kayce dropped his side on the ground quickly wiping his hands off on his jacket with a disgusting face.

"You alright there"?

"Peachy".

"You alright"? Kayce asked.

"Surprisingly well. I thought I couldn't live without Rip, but after catching him. I dont want anything to do with him. Every time I see his face my skin crawls". You say putting your end of the couch down and dusting off your hands.

"Want some coffee"? You asked Kayce.

"You want company"? He replied.

"Yeah, I wont be able to sleep so might as well stay up with you". You snicker as Kayce playfully nudged your arm.

"Gee, thanks. I'm so glad I can keep you company".

"Um, when did you know Beth was after Rip"? Kayce questioned when you set his cup down in front of him.

"Months ago. When we all went to the rodeo. I took the kids to the bathroom and when I came back she had her head and arm laying on him. He just shrugged her off when he saw me. So I knew something would happen or had already happened". You gulped down the steaming hot coffee in your mouth.

"I'm sorry. I know it's not my place to say it but you're better without him".

"What you mean"?

"I mean no disrespect but what does he exactly do for you and the kids? He's hardly ever home. I've never seen him take the kids riding or even play with them. The horse hands do more than he has since you been here. I just dont know what you saw in him". Kayce felt he was treading on thin ice when he said that.

"When I met him, he was drunk. He's funny when he's drunk. We started dating, had Neveah then Carson and everything after changed when we moved in with him. Like we're stepping on his toes or something. Now he doesn't talk to me. So I guess what I saw in him.... I'm not sure anymore".

"You're a single mom basically. Now you're a single woman. What are your plans"?

"I dont know. I guess I can move back to my old house. It hasn't sold yet. Put the kids in daycare and still work here. But then Rip wouldnt want that and I dont want to see Beth all over him. So I'll have to get another job".

"You're really going to leave"? Kayce acted crushed.

"There's nothing here for me".

"I'm here. The guys are here". Kayce licked his lips as he looked at your lips.

"They dont want a mother with two kids here, weighing them down. Especially you, you dont need that".

"What if I want that"? Kayce looked into your eyes.

"Kayce, stop".

"What? I know you feel this connection between us. It's been there". Kayce stepped closer to you. His hand reached for yours on the counter top.

"I just broke up with Rip. You really decided that this was the perfect time to confess your love for me". You nervous chuckle.

"There isn't a better time then now. I want you. I may not be the man Rip is but I'll take care of you and the kids. I'll treat them as my own. You can move in with me and smother me with your toys and love". Kayce grinned.

"They do have lots of toys". You say looking around the house.

"What about Rip and Beth"?

"They have each other. Why cant we be happy together"?

"I dont know, Kayce".

"We'll take it slow. How about this Saturday, we go on a date. The guys can watch the kids and we'll get to know each other. I'm funny without being drunk,  I have other great things about me. Plus I'm cute and you can't say no to this face". Kayce pointed to his face with a smirk.  

"Okay. I'll go on a date with you. I don't want to hurt the kids if they get attached and we dont make it".

"I understand. But I have a feeling we're going to make it. I even see a little Dutton in our future". Kayce pulled you close, wrapping his arms around your waist.

"Is this you being funny or have you lost your mind"? You laugh, putting your hands on his chest.

"I'm just sure that we'll be together. We're going to have a great future together". Kayce leans in and captures your lips with his.

This all took you by surprise. You didnt know Kayce felt this way about you. But deep down you felt in your heart that this all happened for a reason and Kayce was meant for you. You just took a detour, a bumpy road and went off a cliff but was rescued by a cowboy named Kayce Dutton imagine that.

[manchesterau]

my thoughts after reading my policeman: SPOILERSS of course!! (ignore spelling or grammar mistakes) (this is very ramble-y and not as in depth as it could have been sorrryyy lol, if you want specifics send me an ask after reading this)

okay...so i read the book in 3 days....which....im very proud of myself bc it takes me so long to finish books but that’s not why you are reading this.

im not going to lie to you...i liked the book. i love angst, and this had plenty of it and i liked it. if you like books such as: harry potter, six of crows, red queen, red white and royal blue you will not like this book. i know many people found it boring, which yeah i can see that, but i didn't find it boring at all. but mostly because i love boring books but that's beside the point. 

the book flowed easily, there isn't a bunch of raunchy sex scenes that ive seen people say it has (i...the things ive read idk what book they even read????) and Tom does has backward views on marriage and what it means to be a wife. but he is not overtly sexist or misogynist or abusive, or subvertly those things either. to be frank he's a scared gay man in the 50s trying to not get caught and thrown in jail. that's literally it. (ill go more into detail on him later). but if you want to read this book i recommend you go in knowing that there will be homophobia (the word queer is used as a slur....3 times or 4 but no more than 5), expect outing, expect not supportive characters, and remember to have some compassion (more on this later).

next i want to go into characters: starting with tom, then Marion, then Patrick, and then the other characters. so if you are planning on reading this book or just dont want to be spoiled them....don't read the next bit.

Tom:

I'm going to get this out of the way.........Tom (who we never get to know outside of the two-point of views we are presented with, and who is being played by Harry) is a police officer in the 50s UK. to be frank when the rumors first went around I was mad like a lot of people were, which is funny because when we got those pictures of harry reading the book before all the speculation we were....happy, that he was reading a book about a gay man. now...I don't care honestly. I could call out the hypocrites (i won't) and honestly I'm hypocritical myself. I use to watch shows like svu (if you were to turn it on right now I wouldn't turn it off) and I enjoyed watching svu. I know and have seen a lot of mutuals, people on my dash enjoy cop shows like b99, or who like actors who have played the character of police before. so it would be hypocritical of me to be mad at him (this is just my single black opinion) and then go and turn on svu (which I don't do anymore). 

I'm not saying that no one can be mad, I'm not saying that the anger people have at him playing this role is bad or not needed or valid. all I'm saying is.....is that I don't care. I got angry over this months ago, and all that anger I felt I don't have anymore, and I can't tell you why. Harry is playing an abusive demented husband who traps his wife in a simulation, and then he will play a gay policeman trying not to face persecution..........and that's that. nothing I can say will reach him, he's playing these roles and there is nothing I can do. will I watch them (pirating of course) yes.

anyways let's get back to tom's character (do not use my opinion to silence other black people I will find you....don't do that shit weirdo): tom is......tom?? like I literally was expecting the worst when I read this because of what other people had to say. but as I'm reading him through the eyes of Marion (his wife) and through the eyes of Patrick (his...true love, fuck the 50s I hate the 50s) one word came to mind constantly: scared. Tom is very scared that he will be found out and his life will be ruined. His family knows about him, which is why I think his father (more on him later) pushed him to be in the national service (where he was a cook, which disappointed him). you don't realize his family knows and then his sister says something and then you go 'wait....THEY KNEW???' and then you will go 'oh so that's why-' 

tom does have old fashion views that you would expect of any man at that time (gay or not it's the 50s and gay men are still capable of saying sexist shit). when asked by Patrick if women should still work after having a kid he said no it's the men's job to provide, Marion said she would like to keep working, he said no when they do have a baby (they literally never did, and idk why he thought he could be intimate with her for that long to produce a baby lol). that's....the most sexist thing he said in the whole book (there maybe some small things im forgetting but nothing that really stood out). that's it. I know it's not small and that was a legitimate issue in the 50s but yeah. Just in case you were apprehensive about Tom's character being a raging woman-hater, no,....he just wasn't a true feminist yet (???? I don't know that's like..the most this book says about an issue women were facing at this time). It's still bad what he said (you'll see how Marion justifies it in the book and both Patrick and her don't agree and try and challenge him on his view).

i dont want to go too in depth but it is very obvious from the beginning he has no and i mean ZEROOOO interest in her at all (you can tell when it hits him that he needs a wife and he starts to act a littleee different but it's not romantic at alll). 

i feel like my review on tom is shit but like!! we don't really get to know him without bias from Patrick and Marion. I think Harry will play a wonderful Tom (even tho he doesn't not fit the description for Tom...at all....like at alllll).

To summarize Tom: very scared gay man from the 50s who is trying to do everything he can to not be found out. his family knows, even he knew at a young age, and yes he does quit being a police officer but it doesn't happen as soon as id like but then again he wasn't one for that long if you pay attention to the years.

Marion:

😑 

i just...if yall could see the notes i made on her.....

To summarize Marion: SHE IS LIVING IN LALA LAND, TOM LITERALLY SHOWS HER NO ROMANTIC INTEREST AT ALLL, AND WHEN SHE METS PATRICK FOR THE FIRST TIME SHE FREAKING NOTICES THAT HE'S ALL BLUSH-Y AND SHIT LIKE...GIRL.....

this is a note i wrote that sums up her and tom's relationship (which is more like friends then anything romantic i mean god their honeymoon was horrible and he proposed to her....nvm 😑)

listen...i can't lie and say i didn't feel sorry for her up until the end when she (spoilers: she outs patrick to his employer which ends up with him getting arrested). after that...ive never hated a character more in my fucking LIFEEEE like oh my god i was pissed

all she does is have fantasies about him being romantic with her (holding hands, hugging, etc) and none of them come true...BECAUSE HES GAYYYYYY i really....the author could have done a better job because there were so many damn red flags.

she's fucking annoying and whiny and yeah it sucked to be a woman in the 50s but you literally outed someone your husband was in love with and thought that you could just go back to being married like he's not devastated and instead of telling what you did you stayed unhappy and made your husband thing that at any point they were coming for him too.......*****

Patrick:

PATRICKKKKK

Patrick and tom deserved a fighting fucking chance i hate the fuck 50s fuck you 50s!!!! I absolutely LOVEDDD his pov and seeing Tom through his pov like it was just so damn refreshing seeing the world through his eyes and how he navigates his queerness in the society they live in. (the dichotomy between a proud gay man and a scared maybe proud but fear overrules that (talking about Tom here) gay man).

There was a lot more to say on how gay men were being persecuted at this time than how women were treated in this particular book. There were some little things here and there about what was expected of Marion as a wife and of a girl/woman at that time but it wasn't the focus.

I loved seeing the way Patrick navigated through his world of art and creativity. And how Tom seemed to fit right in with him.

I hate the things the author made Patrick go through (outed, sent to prison, stripped of his job, and later on in the present day he has had 2 strokes in his 70s). it felt a bit much but it's not too distracting (Patricks pov takes place in the past as he writes in his journal). 

Patrick and Julia (more on her later) are my two favorites in the whole book (Tom is third bc he's a very multi-facted character, Marion is not even on the list) and I wish we got a lot more of Patrick's pov.

Other characters!! (speed round bc this is wayyy too long):

Syvlie (Tom's sister): SYVLIEEE IM MAD AT YOUU I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU WHYY WHYYY

Julia: JULIAAAAA QUEEENNN (you'll see why i love her at the end) 

Tom's parents: his father is abusive point-blank. or at least i think he's abusive (verbally). as im writing this i am now realizing that the way Tom's mom reacts to him (sometimes crying) is bc they knew he was gay omg wow.

tom's dad is very much a man's man guy?? Picture a sexist man from the 50s....now picture him with a gay son.....yeah, I'm not surprised Tom went into national service then to the police force. you can tell he didn't want anyone to find out about Tom so he pushed him to do what he thought best and Tom went with it, scared. 

overall: please do not go into this book expected things to be all flowers and rainbows...this is a book about two gay men in the 50s yall.....

there is something to be said about the tragedy that is in a lot of queer stories, I'm more interested in how white these stories are (that's a rant for another time). but I don't mind my policeman, and i think stories like this should be told. because this actually happened (here is a link to em forster's story where the author takes inspiration from, he really had an affair with a policeman!!! who had a wife!!!).

the ending is bittersweet, and i couldn't help but curse for what could have been. Marion could have not outed Patrick (which she instantly regretted), she could have gotten a divorce (she even contemplated it), they could have been more secretive, Julia could have not said what she said. I think Patrick and Tom were sadly doomed from the start, I just wish they had more time together because I loved seeing their love (the little glimpse we got) bloom into something bigger than them.

thank you for reading!! here are random screenshots of my notes as i read this lol enjoy!!

can’t*