#so like im realizing that the whole book is mostly likely her using the EXACT SAME playbook terfs use with lesbians and trans women

[kefnut-the-gweilologist]

hunh

[incorrect-riordanverse]

It's really disheartening that Rick Riordan stance on the war I understand that he wants to be neutral on this stance but in my opinion by becoming neutral he only worsening the issue as many Palestines are dying that are mostly children, how the majority of Israeli are supporting the Genocide of Palestine, and how the government is trying so hard (but miserably failing) to justified the genocide. I will hold him accountable for what he said on this issue as during this period the choice is basically "you are with us or against us."

Part of me wishes he will realize what he said was wrong and understand the bigger issue that plays at hand. I will criticism for his actions as how can a man who promotes LGBTQIA and representation of minorities and disabilities in his books turn a blind eyes to Genocide of people. However we can only wait and see on his next move.

One last thing about your previous you said you don't group Riordan with other authors where do you would group him with? Also this is more on an opinion base answer but many people are boycotting companies that support Israel there as been another post on Twitter on boycotting authors. Rick Riordan happens to be one of them. Do you believed that he should be boycotted with other authors or he should be properly educated and apologized for his previous statement? If you believed he should be boycotted what do tou have to say to those who might have the mentality of "separate the art from the artist"

thank you for this ask, and i completely agree with you! it is extremely hypocritical of him considering what he preaches for in his books. i think he’s convinced he has properly addressed the apartheid by using very vague language that can be applied to anything, and in doing so, he’s addressed nothing really.

your first question on who i would group him with— probably other authors who are doing the exact same as him in their virtue signalling. i always like to link my other blogs to each other, so i don’t think it’s a secret that i have a red queen account and i’m pretty passionate about that. unfortunately, victoria aveyard is another fantasy author who has literally wrote a whole four-book series on the uprising against oppression but is now playing neutral in her address of the apartheid. rebecca yarros is in the same boat, although i haven’t read ‘fourth wing,’ fans have said there are large themes of oppression within the book. so if i had to group riordan it would probably be in the ‘i-like-to-write-about-it-for-profit-and-praise-only’ group.

in terms of boycotting, i think that’s a great idea! i would also like to remind everyone that the percy jackson tv show is coming out in a little over a month, but disney is a huge industry financially supporting israel as well ($2 million in funding), which is obviously far more damning than a poorly written address by one person. there is a boycott happening for disney as well— and the pjo show will be released on disney + . i implore everyone to not watch it on that platform!! personally i will be pirating it online (idk if i’ll get into trouble saying that here but lol oh well), because im pretty sure the boycott is only for withdrawing financial support, not simply consuming media.

i feel like separating art from the artist only works if that artist is… like, dead, and you’re using that art and its values as a historical insight to how the world was during its time. you can still like a piece of work that has a problematic artist, you can engage with the work (to an extent). but separating art from the artist barely works because either:

to engage with the art is to support the artist in some way, so that artist is making money based on your interaction with that (particularly in the case for singers and streaming of songs)

that artists’ views and values are so rancid that it’s literally embedded within the text itself. to ignore it is harmful.

harry potter is my all-time favourite example to use, because jkr is the scum of the earth, and her views are entrenched in her work. a lesser known example is sarah j maas and her books (she’s also not as dogshit as jkr, but then again, its not hard to be a better person than her). i’m not going to bag on these people for liking things by problematic people (would be hypocritical of me), i just think it’s cowardly not to address it when you come across it, or at least admit to it. to simply write things off as ‘separate to the artist’ is like purposefully turning off your critical thinking skills.

on whether boycotting or an apology is enough— if riordan did apologise and used specific language and not the nonsense he had in that blog, expressed his remorse for his ignorance and then actually did or said something to support the people of palestine then, yeah. that’s fine and that’s how we learn ig. but he should educate himself, too many activists, people from the arab community and especially palestinians are expected to be all-knowing and to educate everyone else on an already draining and personal tragedy. it’s been exhausting for me, i can’t imagine what they’re going through. if riordan (or anyone) needs to be educated, he should do it himself, and (at least in my opinion) i don’t think the info is very hard to find now. it’s just about weeding out the misinformation.

i think boycotting is a good idea as of now. it can serve to be a catalyst for self reflection for many people. also, as much as i hate most online discourses, talking about it online needs to happen. i don’t want these authors to forget, for a moment, about the ignorance they posted online during a time of international crisis.

[jellyluvr]

hi omg this is my first request im sorry if dont make sense 😭

could you do a fluff Kyle x female reader story where the reader plays Lana Del Rey in her headphones (the ones where zoe puts those headphones on kyle ifykwim) and Kyle is curious and tries it on himself and loves it (can be any song if yk her) And like kyle becomes a huge fan of Lanas music after listening to her music for weeks lol

(also I love ur work)

Dark tonight

- Kyle spencer x gn!reader ⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚

Alright Lolita is a bop so I'm gonna use that even though it might not fit the vibe. Also ty!!

Slow burn!!

Tw: none, just fluff

S: Kyle has a fit and he like ur headphones and wants to put them on

(Idk how to do summaries clearly)

And the title has nothing to do with the story btw. I'm just too lazy to add like 900 words about them sleeping or something idk.

⋆ ˚⋆ ˚⋆ ˚⋆ ˚⋆ ˚⋆ ˚⋆ ˚⋆ ˚⋆ ˚⋆ ˚⋆ ˚⋆ ˚⋆ ˚⋆ ˚⋆ ˚⋆ ˚⋆ ˚⋆ ˚⋆ ˚⋆ ˚⋆ ˚⋆ ˚⋆ ˚⋆

You sat down in your bed, reaching down under it for your headphones. You pulled out the spikey pair, grabbing your ipod and plugging them in before scrolling through your songs. You clicked your tongue to the beat you preferred, one part of you expecting for it to pull up the exact song you wanted.

Eventually after clicking the button at least 100 times you found Lolita- Lana del ray. You played the song, placing on your clunky headphones before placing them on your head. You leaned back on your bed, grabbing a note book while you wrote some stuff down that needed to be done.

Everyone was quite pushy if you didn't do something, and since Madison was on your ass all the time you had to do it. And speaking of which (Or witch cuz she's a witch 😉), she walked down the hallway, peeking her head through your door with her fuzzy hat and slutty dress.

"Can you go out or something? It's embarrassing seeing you so lonely." She stared at you for a moment, rolling her eyes as she realized you were just ignoring her. She then went back out, her heels clicking and growing deaf as she got farther.

You knew you weren't the most popular.. you were just there. Nothing special.. just a girl. You knew it wasn't the best look for the coven either, but you weren't able to change yourself. The whole point was to be unique. And, you had quite the fan base outside the coven house so you weren't too worried about it.

Soon, as you wrote, you began to doodle. Your favorite thing to write was little sun's and moons. It was a therapeutic thing to do. Sometimes you even put sunglasses on the sun like a child. But, it was still very enjoyable.

So, while you doodled and drew, your door creaked open some, the big bad man standing in it. Or kyle.. it was just kyle.

Little to your knowledge, he had been watching you for a few minutes. He had originally been following Madison for her.. needs.. but he was drawn to the yellow light coming from your room. The white in the coven house was intoxicating.. even kyle knew that, but you had always seemed to make it look good.

As kyle watched, he took note to your headphones in his zombie brain. He couldn't think much, all that was floating around in there was mostly words. Words like big ones.. he still had trouble saying two. Or though.. and the way they were spelled was so much more confusing. Kyle grunted at the thought, closing his eyes with frustration. He couldn't control his body well, and he obviously hadn't caught on to not close your eyes.

But, the grunt caught your attention regardless. Even with the headphones and Lana's wonderful vocals, you still heard the grunt he made. Although, you knew immediately who it was. You looked over, seeing Kyle's hands in his hair as he tugged at it some, trying to somehow calm himself.

You jumped out of bed, taking off your headphones in a flash before running over and stopping him. It was a rule. You couldn't let him hurt himself.. even if it was the most subtle. You weren't allowed to let him. Everyone knew.

"Don't do that! You know that's bad, Kyle." You scolded him, pulling his hands out of his hair as he made a low growl in response. He opened his eyes, closing them quickly again as he tugged his hands from yours covering his face. Great.

"Hey! Hey.. no.. no kyle." You sighed, realizing he was having one of his fits. You stared down at him as he slid down the wall, beginning to cry. He overreacted too much, but he couldn't help it. And either way, his cries were heartbreaking.

You walked over to him, his head peeking out from his hands some, his body flinching in response. You got down to his level, your hands on his as you slowly pulled his hands down, trying your best to comfort him. "It's okay. It's okay kyle. Don't be sad." Kyle's face still had that bruise from the crash, and your heart ached knowing what he had been through. You had to help him in some way, and you bit down on your lip thinking of what to do.

He needed a hug maybe? But he probably wouldn't like that.. good things? Like compliments possibly? Or just talk to him.. help him with words?

"Kyle, c'mon." You stood up, holding his hand while he got up as well, you leading him into your room. Kyle's mind was mostly blank. I mean, there wasn't much to think about for him. When he was angry he'd only be angry because he wasn't able to respond correctly. He knew his reactions were stupid.. or dumb.. or just unnecessary, but he simply couldn't control it.

Kyle walked into your room, noticing the headphones again. He found interest in those.. the spikes enticed him and he felt an urge to poke his hand with them. So, he walked over and did just that, yelping in response. "Hurt!" He pulled his hand back, looking at the headphones as if they had done it to him.

"Kyle! Oh my god.. you can't do that-" Kyle picked up the headphones, being very sure to not touch the spikes as he looked as if he was about to smash them. You snatched the headphones, watching your ipod fall to the floor from the headphones still being connected.

"You can't do that either.." you sighed, picking up the items, setting them on your bed before putting yourself on it as well. You looked at Kyle's face, his tears gone and his eyebrows furrowed. He seemed angry? Jesus.. what was it now?

"Why?" He asked, sitting down on the bed, almost making you leap up from his weight. He was a big guy.. Definitely not the one to get in a fight with. But he was a sweet little guy.. despite his anger issues and fits he was the equivalent to a lost puppy. A cute puppy.

But, besides the point he was obviously confused. Maybe he just didn't understand you..

"It's bad. If you break the headphones then they'll break. And I'll never be able to use them again." You smiled slightly, kind of irritated by him. You never really interacted with him so you never really knew what to do. But, you did know not to let him throw a fit. One thing you were told to do was be happy. Or look smaller.. less threatening. Even though he was fucking humongous, it was better to seem like a bug rather than a bigger threat.

Kyle really wasn't a big bad man. He was really just misunderstood. Poor guy never even got to experience life. And he died trying to protect Madison. Only if he knew what she'd do to him. Kyle was just a sweet guy trapped in some zombie body. That's why it was important for you to make him learn how to talk. So he could express himself correctly.

"Why don't we watch something? Like uhm.." you weren't too sure what was appropriate for him. Dora? That was so childish though.. but maybe that'd help him. "Dora?" You suggested, Kyle seeming even more confused. "Doooooor...ahh.." he sounded it out, but he clearly had no idea what that was. Without even being able to think of something, Kyle snatched your ipod, holding it in his large hand. Hot pink... classy. Kyle looked at the song playing, it being well.. a very attractive woman in his opinion. He stared for a moment looking. "Who is?" He looked up at you, his hand barely clutching the ipod. He would've crushed it, and he knew it was dear to you. Especially the headphones.. he didn't like when people got mad at him. He tried to prevent it the best he could.

"Lana del ray.. but let's do something else. Do you know your abc's?" Kyle shut that idea down immediately. "No." He moved his hand away from yours, still holding the iPod as you tried to take it from him. He wouldn't let go.. "come on kyle.. give it back." You said sternly, holding out your hand as his empty eyes stared back. "No.. who is?" He asked once more. You sighed, looking back at the ipod before shifting back up to his face.

"She's a singer. She's like really popular.. now give it back." You thought for a moment, but then realized being nicer was better. "Please?" You added, looking up at him with a smile. Kyle looked down at the ipod, then at the headphones connected to them before picking them up and looking. He was also very careful not to touch the spikes. He wanted to do what you had been doing earlier. He wanted them on his ears.. but he wasn't sure on how to put them on his ears.

"H-help." He was still learning that word, so he stuttered a little but the point still came across. You looked down at the headphones, then back up at Kyle. Letting him listen to one song wouldn't hurt. "Okay, but just one." Kyle's eye brows furrowed. "One song... sorry." Kyle was still very confused. He had no idea what a song was but it seemed really hard to spell.

You picked up the headphones, Kyle growing a little smile as his dimples peeked out. It really was adorable.. he was so cute effortlessly. You couldn't disappoint his adorable face. That would be a crime, so you placed the headphones on him, Kyle trying to get used to the feeling. You looked at the song that was playing and paused it, thinking of what to play. Lolita..? Maybe he'd like that? I mean, it was catchy. He'd probably get accustomed to it, so you went to your library and looked, the little click of the button ringing in your ears.

You found it, clicking on it before it began to play. Kyle's face still had the slight smile, but then his brows furrowed some, his mouth opening slightly. "Ooo.." he mumbled, his eyes traveling the room as he listened to her. He was clearly beginning to like it because he started to clench his fists to the beat. It was a little weird to watch.. you couldn't lie, but it was adorable seeing him enjoy something.

You giggled some, seeing his face turn into a smile as the song got even better. "Like." Your heart almost collapsed. He was so cute.. so adorable. Like a little kitten. Or a puppy.. your heart was healing just watching him listen to the song. But, soon it came to an end, but thankfully another song was to the rescue. Another Lana song played, and Kyle was quick to like her.

He grew more excited, but everyday would end. End with him going to your room and listening to songs. You wondered how he'd freak out if there was speakers. Or if you got a picture of her. Mainly you thought he had maybe a little crush, but that was his business. Either way, he looked like an adorable little man listening to Lana del ray. Honestly, he was slowly turning into the perfect boyfriend.

When you'd be his, of course.

｡.｡:+* ﾟ ゜ﾟ *+:｡.｡:+* ﾟ ゜ﾟ *+:｡.｡.｡:+*ﾟ ゜ﾟ *+:｡.｡:+*ﾟ

Alright here's the kyle fluff finally!! Also one paragraph got moved somewhere and I basically just did a puzzle trying to find the right placement and I think i got it right but if there's a mistake sorry! I did proofread tho so that's good! 👍

Taglist: @kaismanwich @tatelangdonsgirll @daylas-life @hyperharlz @kaiju-superstar @howtobesasha @luttic

[star-sim]

hiihii, 🦊 anon back here !! Im gon be info dumping u the shii cuz u said u were invested, but if u dont want to readall of it I completely understand cuz like I wrote a whole ass shii 😭😭

--------

okay so like there's thay copycat, let's call her P !! technically, she's been a friend since last year, but I didnt really consider her as one cuz she mostly talked with my other two friends from our closest friend group n like nobody else. (we're a group of five without her) She sorta randomly appeared, but I ofc didnt mind cuz its always nice to meet new ppl n make new friends yk ??

(extra thingy for this year => one friend changed schools to another city, another doesnt hang out with us anymore but does online, n then there's another who isnt in the same classes so we only see each other during breaks. so its just me n another friend, (let's call her F) she's has been my closest friend since years ago so far !!

Okayokay now on to the real shii; since the new school year, P asked the school if she could be in the same class as me and F (because we're always together). so practically, P is also my classmate now. BUT !! I've noticed she favours F more than me, which doesnt bother me much bc we all have preferences at some point 🤷‍♀️ HOWEVER its getting a bit uncomfy because she's slowly been like starting to copy me and seems to be trying to exclude me to get closer to F ever since school started

Im insecure about friendships, so I get jealous when I see F paying more attention to P than to me (at least Im self aware 😞) oh, abt the copying part, I have a list to explain omllll !! for instance, I have an online school timetable with a specific colour palette (we have our own from our school's app but I'd like to use my own [another one] cuz then its a widget) she saw it and asked about the app n then the next week, she did the same thing with the exact same colors for each subject ?? Its not a big deal, but its abs noticeable.. like I get it u wanna use the same app cuz Ik how handy it is but using the same colours is starting to become extra .. then theres the school stationary, especially the pencil case and highlighters. I have a clear see-through pencil case and pastel highlighters (so coquette) n after two months or somewhere around that, she got the same ones. AGAIN, not a huge deal, but then she started comparing highlighters and saying she should have bought the same ones as me (?? Girl tf) Its frustrating because she's indirectly indicating that she wants to be or have the same shii as me 😭 n I dont like that. Ik some ppl do but I jst dont

Another example is my headphones. I have specific ones (JBL I lub em sm), n in December or smth, she also got the same ones but in pink (I have black ones) Its not about the headphones themselves tho, but the fact that she claimed we have the same ones when they're CLEARLY different. It's a fcking pattern, even with little things like a pocket mirror that she suddenly wants after seeing mine ?? 😭 "oh, I want to have one too now n use it like u" *proceeds to buy n never use it anyways* 💀

oh oh, then theres the issue of her comparing grades (no like wtaf) my average is at least 70%, which Im abs content with, but I wish I had more motivation to study m improve 😞 ahe studies n has an average of 74%, which is great for her ofc !! but she constantly YAPS abt having higher grades n being smarter, not realizing the difference between being book-smart n actually intelligent like girl theres a diff between the 2 yk 😭😭

P is actually fcking starting to get on my nerves, especially after half a year of this bs .. the friend who changed schools was like the mother of the group, n I miss her a lot (she's coming back next year tho, yippie !!) P seems to be trying to exclude me from the friend group n from my bestie F :( I havent told anyone else cuz like Im afraid theyll jst think Im overreacting, but I did confide in T ( the transfer student friend, lets call her that !!), n shes on my side (duh ofc cuz she also noticed from last year how she only sticked to F) but I dont want to tell F herself cuz I dont think she'll believe me. I used to feel happy and comfy being myself before P joined in, but now I feel like Im constantly being criticized n copied :// Its even worse bc she made fun of my cat's name !! (Like, I told her my cat's name cuz at one point we were talking abt cats n I told her I had gotten a new one that summer. atm she was doing that gossip whisper thingy to somebody else n when I told her that she had to be honest and confess she was making fun of my cat's name she went like "ohhhh, for a cat name !! I thought a human name" n then fake smiles omfl ..)

------

ANYWAYSSSS, TAKE CARE 😽 love ur fics Istg I dont think I'd survive here w/out ur writings Im not joking 😭 ur fics r like one of the only ones that I'd even WANT to read no matter the 10k+ wc (thats a lot for me n I prefer short ones, but ur longer ffs r like TOP TIER MWAH)

-🦊

oh girl ur stronger than me bc P would make me yell....

u and F are like for-lifers.... the friends that you keep when things change are the ones that you need to CHERISH FR

i think ur like 100% valid for the friendship jealousy, i get SO jealous too ur like real for that. like looking at these individual examples it doesn't come off that P is trying to copy you.... but when you look at it ALTOGETHER as ONE BIG MASSIVE PICTURE.... yikessss

i cant stand P sorry... like the excluding thing is making me seethe

AND THE CATS NAME THING WOULD BE MY FINAL STRAW GIRLLL STAY IN UR OWN LANE

i don't think ur overreacting, ur like 100% valid for this one

i am SO on your side

imo i think it's important to talk to F about this... and if she does not react well then drop her!!! if your best friend cannot take your feelings into consideration then that's not good!!

i'm glad that you like me fics btw!! it means a lot <3333

thanks for stopping by 🦊 anon!!! mwah mwah love you (and lmk if i need to air raid P)

[vennylavey]

Sorting out my Thoughts regarding Tolya and Inej

A few days ago, I finished watshing Shadow and Bone Season 2 and

what.

The.

FUCK.

Some background before you quote me on this!

I first fell in love with the crows on Season 1 of S&B. They, along with the sheer insanity of the fandom that I resonated with, encouraged me to buy the duology and read the hecc out of it. Out of all the grishaverse books, I've only ever read the six of crows duology, so I only know show!Tolya from S&B Season 2.

I am an avid Kanej shipper. I love Kaz. I'm in love with Inej. Love them together and as individual characters. (recently started rereading, and since mentally separating the show and the books, i've been really seeing them in a new lights from both angles! and both endear me.) I hold this ship sacred and very close to my heart, and nothing will ever change that.

-

Some spoilers from here on out!

-

Like any other fellow fan who followed the series primarily because of kanej, who learned to peck for crumbs in the briefest (longest) of gazes and the subtlest of interactions, I was on the edge of my seat anticipating every smidge of development between my favourite pair.

It wasn't a steady rise in progression, but it was the Kaz and Inej way, and I loved it. Ot's nice that they kept that sense of angsty realism from the books. (Can't say the impact and heaviness of Kaz's trauma and backstory was fully communicated, but Freddy did SO GREAT.) The sort-of push and pull kept me positively on my toes throughout the whole series, so I became laser-focused on their relationship the whole time.

Then came rolling Episode 8.

GLORIOUS 'and how would you have me?' MOMENT. the tension, the looking at each other, the miniscule changes in expression, the way you could see the monologue in the pause between responses - yes, im talking about kaz 'you, inej. you.' brekker (bless u freddy carter) - and the sheer fragility of the moment. it's everything i could have asked for in an adaptation of that scene

AND I WAS ABSOLUTELY FLOORED.

(and devastated. angst symptom, really. but mostly floored.)

Then we got a little moment with Nikolai and Mal, and damn, even after a break-up-but-not-really-a-break-up, INEJ LOOKS SO BEAUTIFUL I SKDJFKDJ

She looked hopeful, which makes sense. For her, its a new beginning. Its a half equivalent of the ending she got in crooked kingdom. The best thing about it is that she just doesn't look like she has any regret. (Not that she doesn't care about Kaz, but that she doesn't regret not settling for less than she deserves.) AND INEJ - inej deserves that kind of weightless freedom.

AND THEN AND THEN

THAT SCENE

THAT SCENEEEEEE

TOLYA OFFERED A HAND FOR THE BAG. LIKE, NOT EVEN TO HELP HER UP YET, SPECIFICALLY FOR THE BAG, IF I REMEMBER CORRECTLY. Inej is a bit estranged by the gesture (She's so used to mannerless crows lol) but gives it, anyway. Tolya offers his other hand. Inej, endeared, but confused, accepts the help, AND YOOO

THE HEAT.

THE HEAT IN TOLYA'S GAZE AS INEJ WALKS FURTHER ONTO THE SHIP.

THE LITTLE SMALL SMIRK AS HE LOOKED AT HER.

THAT. BROKE ME.

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

The tension was there. It's so obvious. THEY (production) MADE SURE IT WAS FELT. I'm balling because I got totally played by the pacing.

Most of what I felt throughout the scene mirrored Inej's. Did not consider AT ALL that Tolya was holding any interest for her, so the quiet and the emphasis in the nonverbal cues in the scene really built up the realization, and that expression Tolya had after Inej turns away hit me in the face like it was Kaz's cane.

Looked for images online, showed it to my friends, and REALLY had to ask their opinion if said expression was a look of interest or I'm just overthinking it. IT COULD VERH WELL BE HIM PLAYFULLY TEASING HER BEING UNUSED TO GENTLE FRIENDLINESS, RIGHT? Friends said that look is their exact look when looking at their love interest, and mhm. Admittedly, I was in denial.

Saw a reddit thread about it! I WAS SO GLAD I WASN'T THE ONLY ONE WHO SAW IT. THEY EVEN LISTED SOME OTHER SCENES FROM OTHER EPISODES THAT POINTED TO TOLYA'S INTEREST, and oh, they were so right.

Having rewatched it, it was really obvious. The tension was there when I really looked at them. I EVEN MISSED HOW TOLYA WAS TELLING OVHAL TO TAKE HIM INSTEAD OF INEJ.

I felt like, from that, I really should have seen it coming.

But I understand that it was easy to get distracted by the other narratives! Such as wesper troubles in paradise, hyperfixated on the way tolya meditated(?) to withstand the poison longer, INEJ'S DELUSION????, Jesper's heartwarming and simultaneously heartbreaking dream, KAZ DENYING HOW MUCH INEJ MEANS TO HIM, Ohval's badassery (i did not think she could get any more badass, but she did), and that wonderful fight scene??? Oh, yeah. So much was happening.

After that scene in episodr 8, it was hard not to try following where his gaze led for the rest of the episode, and definitely found it briefly landing on the part of the boat that Inej was a few seconds later revealed to be hanging from.

Did I already love Tolya before the scene that dropped the bomb? Yes. Do I still love Tolya? Yes, I do. Do I love him so much more for it, regardless? Yes, yes, yes.

Tolya alone with his passion for poetry, family, adventhre, and his superstions was loveable enough. But anyone who treats Inej with the respect she so rightfully deserves also gets a great in my book.

BUT DID I IMMEDIATELY FEEL GUILTY FOR NOT REALLY BEING ADVERSE TO THE IDEA OF TOLYA BEING INTERESTED IN INEJ?

Honestly, a little bit.

But Kanej would always be endgame. And I do not see Tolya as a threat to that.

-

It's a little unnerving how I didn't see these details and made the connrctions in the series as I watched, but Inej and Tolya are plenty alike.

Both are passionately religious, both know their superstitions, both have an occupation or a way of life that somehow go against some principles of their beliefs, and they SUCKED AT FIGHTING OHVAL LMAO but their movements and actions in episode 6 were really in sync. Could probably inflict more damage together with more practice, but it's a nice detail that they didn't accidentally hit each other even once despite fighting side by side for the first time. (Or I may be overthinking it, and it's just all the characters' innate experiences in fighting because there also wasn't any problems when Inej fought alongside Zoya, someone she also met only recently.) Other than the fighting, it should also be noted that when the door closed, they kinda moved at the same time. could be for cinematic effect. but it can also be interpreted as both of them being right hands mans of a sort, inej to kaz, and tolya to nikolai, leading them to develop similar habits.

These similarities give them something to bond over. Gives Inej someone to learn from. And I don't know Tolya's story yet, but these common traits and interest is part of the main reason I like their dynamic. Doesn't need to be romantic. I feel they can be great friends and close allies, and if they get flirty, that would also be amusing.

I would love to see their on screen interactions in general.

-

Regarding Inej's trauma and Tolya's Aro-ace representation

If you think about it, these two facts kind of make them compatible. Self-explanatory. If you see this as a ship, Inej not wanting to be touched and Tolya's minimal need/no need for touch is the simplest way to go about things, I feel. Wouldn't fault you for taking that route.

But part of the reason why Kanej works so well is that they encourage and motivate each other to heal from their trauma.

And unless Inej comes out as Ace/Aro/Aro-Ace, it's healthy for book!inej to desire to touch another person in spite of her trauma. No matter how slow the progress.

In the show, Inej's trauma is never discussed at all. It even seems non existent. I could handle them not confronting it directly. It's possible they may be saving it for the spinoff. But the show of physical casual physical contact kind of negates that a bit, such as Jesper coming up to hug Inej and spin her around. But to fit in the narrative, I think Tolyacan help with that. More on that in a bit, but first

The headcanon that Tolya is Aro-Ace

This is really the only source I found regarding any book statements about the origins of Tolya being Aro-Ace. And I've read the fact that Tolya is the only one eith no clear partner through the books have been brought up!

And while I first interpreted this quote from the book as something like, he just doesn't particularly think about it or desire it, and is completely fine with taking his time,

I am also very much in love with the Aro-Ace representation. It's rare, and it feels right on Tolya, to be honest.

Like I said, I don't particularly want him and Inej to be a certain way. (TRYING SO HARD NOT TO PROJECT ON INEJ CAUSE IM ATTRACTED TO HIM) But i do want to see some semblance of closeness between them!

So Queer platonic relationships do exist. I think it's a valid path or ending fanfiction-wise for those who want them 'together' together! I think the exposure to it, and how such a relationship would work, still validates the representation. but I'm not Aro-Ace myself, so do correct me if I'm wrong, and my sincerest apologies if I've offended anyone.

Part of why I still find hope for the Aro-Ace HC is because Tolya doesn't seem to be operating on his interest for Inej based on physical attraction or emotional connection. His intetest truly started from the life debt, then gratitude, thst he'd developed concern for her. I also think Tolya could just be a bit reverent of Inej (hence the look in e08), or appreciate her as a person or someone he could resonate with, but that's my own headcanon.

-

For how whatever is between tolya and inej could be a significant narrative, please refer to this BCOS THEY SAID IT PERFECTLY AND THATS RLLY THE ONLY WAY I CAN ENVISION IT HAPPENING ROMANTICALLY, AND REALLY ITS SO TRUEEE, AND DOES WONDERS FOR THE KANEJ DEVELOPMENT, would make endgame kanej all the more gratifying. its a bit inej-centered tho, and we also need to talk about how its important to tolya

this one explains how it would be narratively significant for tolya, too. tolya's realization of identity happening in the show also kind of matches the kind of subtle changes the adaptation makes to characters (like how in the show, we are shown inej's first kill, but inej has long resorted to murder in the start of soc), so personally, i agree, and think it would fit.

-

Friendly reminder that I wrote this with consideration to the separation of the show and the book!

Just had to get this out so I can finally focus on my exams!

Remember to keep rewatching season 2 <3 WE NEED THAT SIX OF CROWS SPIN OFF. dont even think abt cancelling, netflix

[bookwyrminspiration]

TW// Drugs n such

you asked for it smh, but I've been thinking a lot about that one scene in Neverseen in Exilliums healing tent (or whatever its called)

I had a whole rant here about what the implication of this 'serum' might mean in the lost cities but it kinda spiraled into nothing so I'm cutting it out. (main point was just the mood towards drugs, Shannon has had previous mentions of both alcohol and drunk people, so (though im not saying she should incorporate this into a middle grade book series a t a l l), Id be curious to see her take on drugs, (if they exist and how they effect people and the elven population // how is it treated? Is it looked down upon or even forbidden (why we might only see it in Exillium territories) or is it so normal and inconsequential that its just part of the norm in the lost cities?

but anyway, back to the thing I was originally thinking of - i feel like this is something rarely talked about but pls tell me I'm not the only one who has picked up on how weird Keefe's relationship with sedatives is. It's such a contrast to Sophie, where she's openly opposed to taking any type of sedative he seems to be really open to them, in fact in Unlocked every time he's knocked out by a sedative his language is pretty much always positive, like he really enjoys it. This probably just ties into something you mentioned a while back about Keefe and dealing with stuff by running away but I find it really interesting.

(Sorry if this is an uncomfortable ask to get, I know not everyone is comfortable with drug talk and I hope this Isn't overstepping a line.)

you're fine, don't worry! no lines overstepped. I appreciate you including the warning at the top, even though I'm alright talking with the subject. if there's something I'm uncomfortable with, that's not on you to know or worry about because I haven't shared any of my specific triggers, and the more anxiety-inducing ones are so specific to my personal experiences that I highly doubt they'll ever have any effect on any conversation ever. but I do genuinely appreciate your concern <33

I don't remember specifically what I asked for, but this is a topic I hadn't even realized was so fascinating, so thank you for bringing it up! That scene is kinda funny (as in weird) looking back on it, but Keefe was completely out of it and being a lot more vulnerable than he probably wanted to be due to his state of mind. I think it was intended to mirror something like anesthesia or laughing gas (note: in my brief research trying to find info about the boobrie dude I made a mental comparison between tam and sandor, so I'm just making note of it here so I don't forget), at least as far as Keefe's reaction goes. I think part of this was strategic so that we could get some information and vulnerability (although unwillingly) from Keefe and get that first glimpse of "the boy beneath all that swagger" (paraphrased from Sophie). But that's not what your ask is about so I'll move on before I get even more distracted.

wine, at the very least, exists in the lost cities. we've got fizzleberry wine, which is blamed by some for Caprise Redek's accident. Aside from that we've seen no mention of it, as this is a middle grade series about a young teen girl in a fantasy world, and in a "perfect" world there isn't a lot of talk about recreational substances. And I agree with you! this isn't to say that I think drugs and alcohol should be this huge thing in keeper or that it even needs to be address, just commenting that the attitude the general public has towards substances and intoxication is likely even more severe in the elven world, as has been the pattern with other things. We can tell from Caprise's incident that their wine functions similar if not identical to ours, as it was said to have impaired her motor control and thinking, hence how she fell off that balcony. So I think we could assume that drugs in the Lost Cities would be similar to those in the Forbidden Cities in function. Not in name though, likely named after some strange elven thing. Though if we go with the wine example, Fizzleberry is likely an exact description of what it is--the wine probably fizzes and is made from berries.

the elves highly value the mind, so I anticipate that anything that messes with it past beneficial medicinal uses prescribed by a physician are frowned upon. they think of your mental capacity and capabilities as integral to who you are, and composure as essential. drugs take that away and can impair your reasoning, hence my conclusion they're not well liked. however, I propose that this mindset is mostly those who are very proper, for example Lord Cassius. Dex was more than ready to take concentration serums of his own making--and convinced Sophie to take one (note: dex has almost killed both Sophie and Fitz. that can't be fun to know)--which directly messed with his limbic center. However, as he was raised in an apothecary and is already a little less in line with all other elvin values, I don't think him being an outlier is enough to completely through out my assumption. overall: looked down upon because it messes with the mind and the mind is crucial to elven society, and the way it impairs your thinking would make you a lesser person

and you're right! keefe's relationship with sedative is weird. we have this teenager who grew up without stable supports or a loving family having very little regard for how substances will effect his body, prioritizing the possible--not guaranteed, possible--benefits over all the risks. this is not to say drug use is inherently bad, just that the situation he's in makes me very cautious because he feels more at risk of falling into bad habits. also, your observation about tying that into him running away is very astute! i've talked a lot about him running away from his problems in more ways that physical, and I think this is an excellent example of that

he doesn't like his reality, the world he lives in when he's awake and aware and lucid. it's full of all these problems and people and he doesn't know what to do. but when he's asleep? he doesn't have to deal with any of that. he doesn't have to do anything, but he's also troubled enough and anxious enough that sleep doesn't always come easy, and he can be plagued by nightmares. but those sedatives mess with his mind and not only make him sleep faster and longer, but they can mess with your dreams and alter the reality you experience while asleep. i guess it could be a way of trying to take control of a situation he had very little control over, especially in unlocked when everyone else was trying to fix things without consulting him. with his waking world that bad, of course he's gonna like anything that takes him away from it.

it stands out especially when we switch to him as a narrator and he's praising these things and wanting to be sedated, as we've spent so long in Sophie's head and she's so against them from the trauma she experienced in the first book. that could mean his attitude them is more jarring just because we're used to Sophie and it wouldn't seem as dramatic if we'd switched from say, Fitz's head. but that doesn't mean there's nothing here.

i think i've said it before, but Keefe doesn't have any healthy coping strategies right now that he consistently relies on. his deference towards avoidance and making the problem go away, even if it's just in feeling induced by drugs, is a more extreme example of how he doesn't know how to just exist without hurting.

I jumped around a bit between topics so if I missed something you wanted to talk about more in depth please feel free to send another ask! Keefe's relationship to experiencing reality is fascinating and covers things from denial and refusal to change all the way to drugs and literally altering the way his brain perceives reality. This boy is on a collision course with destruction in both body and mind.

[unironicduncanstan]

the “Tangodeltaindia” blog explained,

aka my brain has cringe spots on it and needs to be inspected by the FDA

hi my names randi/uni and i created a total drama island themed ARG two months ago on a whim that almost no one interacted with bc i started off way too niche and difficult, so i kinda just went increasingly off the rails because i knew most likely no one was monitoring my posts and i could just make a real cursed hidden tomb that could one day be discovered by someone in a goonies esque unveiling. but then i got lice and now im sad and uncomfortable so i’m just gonna explain the entire damn thing in one shot. its absolutely batshit and theres a reason no one uncovered it ok here we go;;;

first of all the name. its so stupid but. ‘tango delta india’ = ‘tdi’ in the NATO phonetic alphabet. it just felt like a funny place to start that implies its gonna be a puzzle blog idk,

moving on to the actual content tho; some of the earlier posts mean p much nothing and were just an attempt to draw people in, such as the mr coconut ‘like if you agree’ or the ‘let him inside hes cold’ posts. 

then theres the cipher (x). it was posted shortly after the height of the ‘using total drama reference pictures to make an alphabet’ meme. in case anybody didnt see that; for a while it was a joke in the fandom to take the transparent references of total drama characters, and line them up, using them like hieroglyphics to make translatable pictures. its supposed to correspond to the alphabet, based on the first letter of their first name. an example could be, alejandro = a, bridgette = b, and so on. there was no solidly set alphabet amongst the fandom though, it was self explanatory most of the time so i made my own solid personal cipher key for that blog to make the whole thing easier.

NOW ONTO THE FIRST PUZZLE POST,,,, (x). theres a scene, a string of text, the cipher key, and a link to a decoder. the way to decode it all is to plug the characters on screen into the tangodeltaindia cipher key, and then plug That translation into the decoder website, and then finally paste in the text under the photo. 

the website linked is to a Caesar cipher decoder. the Caesar cipher is just a code where the alphabet is assigned to numbers (a=1, z=26), and to encode something with it you can move this pattern however you want as long as you keep the regular sequence of alphabet and numbers. so you could scootch over One letter, and “abc” would now say “bcd”. so on and so forth.

looking at the scene + my own total drama reference cipher, alejandro = A, and the beaver = 1, which gives A1. so you could now follow the link to the website, press ‘decode’, and paste in the text under the picture. the ‘shift’ in the middle is automatically set to ‘7′, or as it shows, a -> h, meaning ‘a’ has been moved over by 7 letters. so if you set the shift to just 1 over, or A1, now you can translate the text. it reads;

“lets start simple. after all, a trail of breadcrumbs begins with a loaf. whats the harm in another long winded fandom meme. another inside joke. and arent you curious whats truly lurking inside?”

edgy! simple! kinda just a test to see if people would do it or not. which they didnt so of course i tried to make it weirder-

puzzle 2; (x) using the exact same translation rules as above. we have alejandro and the snake, which with the tangodeltaindia cipher key means A6. going to the website, putting it in ‘decode’ mode, pasting in your text, and setting the shift to ‘6′ gives you this translation.

“in his eyes are an island. nothing but a dream, born out of going to bed angry. sink or swim.”

this was just hinting around at where the story was gonna go so it’ll make more sense later. something else to note; if you zoom all the way in and look into alejandros eye (’in his eyes’), you’ll see the word ‘Thera’. ~thats a surprise tool that will help us later~

so after this one, there are two non-puzzle posts that are also just hints (i was just tryna see if i could get people hyped), the first is a close up picture of chris with red eyes that simply says “those arent his eyes”, and then a post that says “his real names not chris :)”, they’re again referencing his eyes, and this time further implying theres something fake or wrong about them, or with chris as a person. again, it’ll be explained better later on.

moving on to puzzle 3 (x), another test to see if anyones keeping up (which also failed josdfjsdfkjs), using the same translation rules, dj = a dash or minus, and the snail = 5, “-5″, shift the letter ‘A’ BACK five instead of forward, and you get the simple translation of; “getting harder now.”

puzzle 4 and 5; at this point, there are two images posted within hours of each other that i’ll explain together as they line up. (x) (x)

These are some of the only ones that can be translated from just the tangodeltaindia key directly. They end up a string of numbers, which are latitude and longitude coordinates. The first post, labelled “the lie”, translates into “45.57394802102744, -81.46817207492494″. googling that will take you to maps and show you to a place called Lonely Island in Canada.

The second one, “the truth”, translates into “36.404663113177534, 25.39605673375295″, taking you to Santorini, Greece.

This is where the hints got really out there bc i realized nobody was following along but i still wanted to paint a picture. so this is the set up;;; the idea that the ‘island’ (camp wawanakwa) existing somewhere in canada, is a lie. the ‘true’ location being santorini isnt meant to be taken at face value though. the mythology behind santorini is that a man impregnated a goddess and to escape the wrath of her father (triton), she formed the island (santorini) by having her lover throw clay into the sea, and then she gave birth to her son, Theras, on this island, giving the island it’s Other nickname, Thera.

this is again just a vague implication that the island might not be real at all, or that it was formed through cosmic means.

the next two posts are more non-puzzle hints, the first showing the definition of the word ‘fresh’ (new), and the second being images of total drama backgrounds with no characters and the text reading “they were always empty.” more, admittedly very outlandish implications that the island is some kind of illusion, but again mostly just another try to drag people into the blog.

puzzle 6. (x) this one introduces a new concept to the regular translation rules, some of the characters are laying down. its kinda supposed to imply they’re “dead” and that you need to take their corresponding letters out of the alphabet given on the Caesar cipher page, below the shift. The upright characters translate to “-9″, so you shift ‘A’ back 9 letters. Then remove the letters; “TH-E-R-A-S”, and with those letters taken out, you can finally translate the text.

“he creates life solely to destroy it. to crush it in his hands. he births chaos so that he may have something to control. the power has given him madness. the isolation, arrogance. don't try to stop him, he's already chosen to be unstoppable. his mind is a perfectly crafted prison, one we will all soon be living in.”

this is where the story gets more on the nose. it’s talking about chris, and about him being an unstoppable cosmic force, a diety who can create worlds within his own mind, and he does so maliciously just for power. hes created the campers through mental energy just to torment them. it also hints that his plan is to expand the world of total drama island and engulf the whole universe.

puzzle 7. (x) same as the last puzzle. beaver and moose translate to ‘1-0′ or ten. the characters lying down to remove from the caesar cipher alphabet are “T-U-L-P-A”. this doesnt have anything to do with the modern way some ppl interact with tulpas but just the actual idea of creating thoughtforms, or willing your thoughts into real life creations, referencing how chris has created the entire island and everyone on it solely through his mind. with those letters removed and the shift set forward 10, you get this:

“his psychic power is unfathomable. the reality he bore was just a passing thought. an idea that became so dangerous. he predates the idea of a mind, the minds own ability to recognize itself, his synapses are paradoxically ancient. the island exists only within himself, to torment the souls hes created, and damned from the start. will they ever be free?”

it states that chris is more than a man or even just a diety, hes an all powerful god already, yet he craves more power. the final line, “will they ever be free” is in reference to the campers, which segways into the next arc;;; freeing the campers from chris’ psychic island imprisonment.

puzzle 8. (x) to solve this one you have to translate the top image with the tangodeltaindia cipher key, and add it to the text given, which creates a link. this leads to a PDF, a page from a book written by terence mckenna. he’s a famous ethnobotanist known best for his studies on DMT, the strongest hallucinogenic drug in the world, its also known as the spirit molecule. many people on this drug (without any prior knowledge of this phenomenon) will recount meeting strange fractal beings that can create things in the universe just by speaking them into existence, theyve come to be known as ‘machine elves’, a term coined by mckenna. ill show the most important excerpt from the page;

this is less about the psychedelic drug part and more about the words and ideas, like “punching a hole through a dimension so it pours through” and “if god didnt exist man would invent him”. its more worldbuilding towards chris’ power and cosmic abilities

then come 2 more clues. a picture of chris holding his own body captioned ‘ego death’, and the meaning behind the name ‘chris mcclean’. the latter is another “please look over here” post, but the first is another minor reference to the previous puzzles answer involving DMT and terence mckenna. ‘ego death’ is a term again used with strong psychedelic drugs, its the sensation that your spirit as you know it is literally Dying, and you are instead connected to and a part of everything around you. another reference to chris’ power and how he may look like a man but his body and spirit are connected to the world hes built in unfathomable ways. at this point im cementing the idea that chris mclean is not a mortal man and cannot be fought with mortal weapons

puzzle 9. (x) this one was an attempt to make easier to solve puzzles, and comes with a visual of chris looming over the island. the text is in wingdings, which can be translated through multiple websites found through google. it says;

“s︎o︎o︎n︎ h︎e︎ w︎i︎l︎l︎ s︎l︎e︎e︎p.︎ h︎e︎ w︎i︎l︎l︎ d︎r︎e︎a︎m︎ a︎ n︎e︎w︎ h︎e︎l︎l︎,︎ a︎n︎d︎ t︎h︎a︎t︎ w︎i︎l︎l︎ b︎e︎ o︎u︎r︎ o︎n︎l︎y︎ c︎h︎a︎n︎c︎e︎,︎ t︎o︎ s︎a︎v︎e︎ h︎i︎s︎ c︎r︎e︎a︎t︎i︎o︎n︎s︎,︎ a︎n︎d︎ f︎r︎e︎e︎ t︎h︎o︎s︎e︎ w︎h︎o︎ w︎e︎r︎e︎ n︎e︎v︎e︎r︎ d︎e︎s︎i︎g︎n︎e︎d︎ t︎o︎ b︎e︎ f︎r︎e︎e︎.︎ t︎h︎i︎s︎ m︎a︎y︎ c︎o︎m︎e︎ a︎t︎ a︎ c︎o︎s︎t︎.︎ t︎h︎e︎ n︎i︎g︎h︎t︎m︎a︎r︎e︎ m︎u︎s︎t︎ e︎n︎d︎,︎ t︎h︎e︎ o︎u︎r︎o︎b︎o︎r︎o︎s︎ o︎f︎ h︎i︎s︎ s︎y︎n︎c︎o︎pe︎ m︎u︎s︎t︎ c︎l︎o︎s︎e︎,︎ b︎u︎t︎ i︎t︎ m︎a︎y︎ t︎u︎r︎n︎ o︎u︎r︎ e︎f︎f︎o︎r︎t︎s︎ o︎f︎ s︎a︎l︎v︎a︎t︎i︎o︎n︎ t︎o︎ d︎u︎s︎t︎.︎ o︎u︎r︎ f︎i︎g︎h︎t︎ m︎i︎g︎h︎t︎ e︎n︎d︎ i︎n︎ s︎a︎c︎r︎i︎f︎i︎c︎e︎,︎ r︎e︎n︎d︎e︎r︎i︎n︎g︎ h︎i︎s︎ l︎a︎s︎t︎ i︎n︎v︎e︎n︎t︎i︎o︎n︎ b︎u︎t︎ a︎ c︎e︎a︎s︎e︎l︎e︎s︎s︎ v︎o︎i︎d︎.︎ w︎e︎ m︎a︎y︎ s︎e︎e︎ h︎o︎r︎r︎o︎r︎s︎ t︎h︎a︎t︎ c︎a︎u︎s︎e︎ t︎h︎e︎ s︎t︎a︎r︎s︎ t︎o︎ s︎h︎u︎d︎d︎e︎r︎,︎ b︎u︎t︎ w︎e︎ m︎u︎s︎t︎ t︎a︎ke︎ t︎h︎i︎s︎ c︎h︎a︎n︎c︎e︎.︎ w︎e︎ h︎a︎v︎e︎ n︎o︎t︎h︎i︎n︎g︎ t︎o︎ l︎o︎s︎e︎,︎ a︎n︎d︎ a︎ w︎o︎r︎l︎d︎ o︎f︎ n︎o︎t︎h︎i︎n︎g︎n︎e︎s︎s︎ t︎o︎ e︎n︎d︎.︎ m︎a︎y︎ t︎h︎e︎ s︎e︎a︎ s︎w︎a︎l︎l︎o︎w︎ u︎p h︎i︎s︎ i︎s︎l︎a︎n︎d︎ o︎f︎ l︎i︎e︎s︎.︎ g︎o︎d︎ pr︎o︎t︎e︎c︎t︎ y︎o︎u︎.︎”

this is essentially saying that the island, the campers, werent all just created from his mind, but from his dreams. this confirms that he Sleeps, and claims hes going to sleep again soon, and during that time period theres a chance to kill him before he can dream up another world (or season) to control and torment. its also saying that theres a chance killing him will destroy the island and campers, but that its the only choice we would have to end the cycle. hey guys i am so bored and over the years i have been on every stimulant and anti depressant doctors are legally allowed to prescribe and its still just not quite there yet huh

puzzle 10. (x) the video, the title translates to “the island of his eye”. its just meant to encapsulate everything ive already been hinting around at but with real footage and some audios taken from the show, and again, it was me tryna make some lore that was easy to digest and also terrifying to an audience with no other context. the final images are the only new clues, if you pause fast enough you can barely make out the characters that (paired with the tangodeltaindia cipher key) would say “set them free”, and you can also see an aerial view of what is actually called “the eye of argentina”. it is a real island that rotates atop a swamp, it is geometrically perfect and no one really knows for sure why it rotates the way it does or how it was formed. this clue is simply related back to the idea that the island of wawanakwa’s location is not in canada, and that it does not function like a normal island.

puzzle 11. (x) what td blog is complete without a uquiz? anyways, it doesnt matter how you answer the quiz, theres only one possible result. the title is a link to a mega file, which is protected with a decryption key. the image attached to the result, when deciphered, is the randomly generated key to the unlock the file. the image you see from the file is this; (TW for mentions of self harm and eye trauma)

in case this is too hard to read ill transcribe what it says;

“How to escape the dream - accept that there is no dream to escape, and no you to escape it. - believe in it anyways. - sleep on your back. - cover your eyes. - hide a nail under the pillow. - wait for the ringing. - when you first see him, dont call his name. dont speak. - keep your eyes shut. - on the second night, ask where the camp is. he wont respond verbally. - on the third night, you’ll see his eyes. - on the fourth night, you’ll enter them. - you can’t turn back after the fifth night. - don’t try to hide your fears. he knows them before you arrive. - don’t shut your eyes for too long when it becomes too much. you risk losing them. - find chris mclean. - don’t stop till the nail is through the socket. - repeat on the other side. - repeat on yourself. - congratulations. they are free”

this is, believe it or not, an idea that comes from my very own sleep paralysis experiences. ive dealt with it a lot, so why not make a weird ritual thing for an arg based off it ig. so whenever i’d fall asleep on my back, i’d eventually hear this ringing in my ears (or it’d happen upon waking up), and then the sleep paralysis would begin. i only ‘saw’ stuff a couple times but the fear for me was really more about the overwhelming sensation of pure dread that always came along with it even when i was aware what was happening, and i Always got this feeling too that if i opened my eyes in that moment, something was gonna stab them.

so moving on to how that applies to the arg, the first few lines are about how, obviously, the island is not real, even in the lore being given its a figment of chris’ imagination, but you have to enter it anyways, and the only way to do that is to believe its real. then it tells you how to ‘enter’ that world, (btw i didn’t expect anyone to actually follow these instructions if found, but even if they did, the whole ‘sleep paralysis being caused by sleeping on your back’ thing usually only happens if you’re predisposed to having it and only happens to Some people who have it, so the intent was like. never to bring that upon anybody. but if you are prone to sleep paralysis plz do not attempt even as a joke or anything thx)

the parts about hallucinating chris then are as follows, “ask about the camp / he wont respond verbally” , meaning he will show you through a dream instead, one that might look a lot like the video from before. “on the third night you will see his eyes”, meaning you will see the island but not be able to interact with it, or basically, how we see total drama on tv right now. “on the fourth night you’ll enter (his eyes)” references the island existing ‘within his eyes’, meaning you will enter the actual island. the next night chris will sleep and you will be able to enter the island again and find him. the idea with the nail is that, if you destroy his eyes you destroy the ‘island’ within them. wrapping back around to sleep paralysis, the idea of stabbing yourself with the nail afterwards is because sometimes, the only thing you can move during sleep paralysis is your fingertips and toes, and wiggling those can help bring you out of the paralysis. so at first how i used to wake myself up, but it didnt usually work fast enough so oftentimes id just pinch the shit out of my fingers and use pain to make my muscles start up faster.

the next post is a link to a countdown. again, i knew nobody was rly following at this point, but i wanted a little more build up before just dropping the ending. it was set up to end 5 days after the last post, aka the one that mentioned a 5 night dream ritual.

puzzle 12. (x) going all the way back to the normal multi step translation puzzles. the coloring of the cipher is a bit different, and its missing chris, but its meant to be used the same as it was before, these changes are only for dramatic effect. and chris is gone because well. we mentally offed him in the inception dream land last time. so anyways the snake = 6, shift A to 6, take out the letters “R-I-C-K” of the characters laying in their graves, and you get this translation;

“its almost time. we must now crack open our minds like a crowbar to a sealed chest. like an egg to a pan. to find our way into camp wawanakwa our ego cannot remain intact, and to traverse it we must stay strong. to escape it, we must glue the pieces back together. now we sleep. dream. end the nightmare.”

this is a final message before ‘entering the island’ to kill chris and free the campers from the island. it acts like a pep talk.

the next post is just the countdown ending.

puzzle 13 (the finale). (x)

this post sends you to a new blog entirely, called @awakenfromthenightmare​. there is only one post on it. the post has another link to a mega file, and the link is attached onto a string of text. follow the link by clicking, then copy the text and paste it in as the decryption key. now you have another image to translate with the tangodeltaindia cipher;

when translated, the text is another link to a youtube video. 

 www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ

so there you have it, that video is the ending to the entire arg. it didnt really end the way i wanted at first, i got burnt out from no engagement about halfway through which isnt anybody elses fault, but i still felt this was a well crafted and fitting finale. thank you all for reading.

[guymaito]

For the ask thing :3:

Top 5 animals? Top 5 fav/comfort movies? Top 5 fav cartoons/shows?

I’m honestly glad to know theres other people including you who actually like Pakku and his character :3 Yes he was a completely asshole at the start but he did change, it’s just that it was so subtle that not everyone saw it

Also random song associations with characters:

Fighter by Jack Stauber reminds me very well of Piandao, Pakku, and Jeong Jeong as their younger selves during the war.

Why do I associate Grace by Lewis Capaldi with Bumi? (the music video tho would give more context to why it might make sense)

Oh Klahoma by Jack Stauber reminds me of Piandao and his overall anxieties for his partners.

Consider some of these songs as sorta song recs? Idk but still :3

1. Giraffes!! the reason why their tongues look like That is cause of extra melanin and to prevent sunburn!!

2. Seals!! there are 33 different kinds of pinnipeds and there over 50 extinct pinnipeds

3. Dogs!! they can only see in shades of blue and yellow, so bright red roses look yellowish brown and lively green grass look dehydrated and dead

4. Crows!! a group of them are called a murder

5. Cows!! they’re actually colorblind, they can’t see red specifically, so male cows, bulls aren’t getting mad at the color, they’re getting angry at the movement

1. The Losers movie from 2010, it’s a action mystery movie about Clay and his team that are a part of an elite US Special Forces Unit and are approached by a mysterious woman to exact revenge on their handler, Max, who betrayed them and just,,,the characters, CHRIS EVANS, jake jensen and all of his kinda weird glory, THE ELEVATOR SCENE, also cougar!!

2. Captain America and The Winter Soldier movie, it’s a action movie, which makes me realize that a lot of my faves are prolly gonna be action something, but anyways, it’s about Steve Rogers, who now lives in the nation's capital as he tries to adjust to modern times. An attack on a S.H.I.E.L.D. colleague throws Rogers into a web of intrigue that places the whole world at risk. Joining forces with the Black Widow, Natasha Romanov, and a new ally, Sam Wilson, Steve struggles to expose an ever-widening conspiracy, but he and his team soon come up against an unexpected enemy. oh my god,,,just,,,the fight scenes, the running scene at the beginning of the movie, steve meeting sam that way, just everything!! this was also my introduction to marvel so in my mind no other marvel movie can live up to this (other than spiderman away from home)

3. Spiderman Far from Home, again, it’s a action movie, i’m not gonna explain this cause the post is getting long, but!! mj and peter!! just,,,all of their scenes!! also jake gyllenhaal!! the fight scenes!! the soundtrack!! everything about it is amazing!!

4. Thunderforce, again, i’m not gonna explain, it’s an action adventure and comedy movie (ofc it is look at the other 3 🙄 /s), the relationship between lydia and emily!! the relationship between lydia and emily’s daughter!! the humor!! the fight scenes!! the soundtrack!!,,,,just everything about is good despite the bad ratings

that’s more like a top 4 than a top 5 but that’s like,,,,all the movies i genuinely like and will rewatch if given the chance and for that where’s a honorable mention: Hamilton (the movie version on disney+ that came out i think nearly a year ago), the soundtrack is amazing, the characters are better, got some funny moments and is mostly historically accurate, like yeah angelica did forget her name cause at the time of her meeting alex ham, she was married to a man named john church (or something church idk) so her last name was church but she introduced herself to alexander as angelica schuyler, not angelica church, so in satisfied she was telling the truth about forgetting her own name, but in the same song she said that her father had no sons even though the real angelica had 3 brothers.

1. Avatar the last Airbender, ofc or else i would have a blog (mostly) centered around it and it’s sequel /s but fr though?? it’s such a good show!! zuko’s redemption arc, iroh’s redemption arc (even though his more subtle than zuko’s) , aang!! love him and his character so much, especially when he gets to be a sassy little shit, sokka and his shit humor and brains, katara, toph, hakoda and HIS shit humor, the fight scene with hakoda (he fights kinda like a waterbender, using his opponent’s momentum against them), bato and his lovely, lovely voice, piandao, aang going ‘how about he get on YOUR back and you can fly us to the south pole’ or something like that to sokka after he complained about appa not flying higher, the boiling rock episodes, hakoda apparently being a good dad but a shitty prison riot starter (love that for him), just!! atla is such a good ass show, im not changing my mind. also!! i like the way they introduced ozai, not showing his face but still presenting him as not only a shit dad, but a shit person as well, like up until book three, we only saw him like, the neck down and in like, a flashback or two (i don’t really remember how many flashbacks ozai was in actually cause it’s nearly been a full year since i last watched it) and that’s it, so it made seeing his face for the first time all the more better cause you was already like ‘what the hell does this shitbag look like’ and then you see him and now ur like ‘oh!! THATS what he looks like!!’

2. The Legend of Korra, again, ofc or else i wouldn’t have a blog (mostly) centered around it and it’s prequel, just,,,,korra’s arc from being hot headed to calm is fantastic but also sad considering the way she went from that to this, korra’s book 1 character!! for whatever reason i really like b1 korra, just,,her design, her hair style (even though she had it for nearly the entire series) just!!! book 1 korra <3, also the entirety of book 1!! just amon posing as a anti bender nonbender despite being a waterbender himself, the scene where tenzin and his kids nearly lost their bending, which would’ve meant that, if tenzin did lose his bending but his kids didn’t, that would’ve meant the strongest airbender would’ve been his 11 year old daughter, the gruesome way to end the season finale episode by doing a murder suicide which was dark as fuck for what?? a kids show??, also the villains in this show!! their good as hell!! the backstory of the red lotus and how and why they were created?? amon and his anti bending?? kuvira and her plan to basically rule the earth kingdom (idk i haven’t finished book 4), unalaq and his spiritual stuff and wanting to become a dark avatar and fusing with vaatu?? also!! the other disturbing scene of korra basically getting tortured near the end of book 3, i mean?? it deadass left her hella traumatized and unable to walk, again hella dark for a fucking kids show

3. The Walking Dead, even though i haven’t finished it or watched in like, 4-5 months, i just,,,the way the presented negan!! practically foreshadowing him the entirety of season 6!! him appearing at the very end of the season 6 finale and pretty much having an entire episode dedicated to him in the very beginning of season 7 (which is why some fans argue he was introduced in s7 not s6 cause of the fact that he didn’t show up until the very end of the s6 finale but had an entire episode with him in it in s7, while others say vice versa cause the very the first time we see him was in s6 not s7), the fact that the walking dead logo was getting progressively more and more decayed as the series go on?? the fact that the WALKERS (the zombies) are getting more and more decayed as the series go on?? dale’s death scene?? shane’s death scene?? negan’s relationship with rick’s daughter?? the fact that this show also has what?? 11, 12 seasons?? which reminds me that i’m still on season 9 of twd

4. Sabrina the Teenage Witch, just,,,salem and his sarcasm?? sabrina’s aunts?? sabrina herself?? just!! everyone is just so fucking funny in this show it’s unreal, specially salem!! a lot of my favorite scenes have salem in them, the ‘are you on a women’s chat room again?’ (or something like that) and salem saying ‘i like the attention’ in response, that one harvey and salem scene that i don’t know how to describe without turning this into a giant paragraph like the ones before this one

5. blue’s clues, it was my favorite childhood show and i love the reboot of it so much!! especially p for pride moment in that song i don’t remember the name of, blue themself!! steve leaving which was sad but getting an equally amazing host in the process?? amazing!! the scene where salt and pepper introduced their baby, paprika?? just,,,it’s such good show and i loved it when i was younger and i still love it now!!

[deerself]

3, 4 and 12 for Itachi and Deidara!!! - love, flower 💮

FLOWER!!! thank you for the ask and thinking about my polyship boys i love them so much 🥺🥺🥺 and ily!! this is going under the cut because oops i ramble a lot :’3 this is from the perspective of my s/i chiharu, ofc!! 💗💗

itachi:

3. Did it start off as a small crush for you, or did you quickly fall head over heels? How about vice versa?

“i can control my feelings,” says itachi. “i can control my crush. i’m just simply choosing to fall madly in love with her”

i think!!! itachi had a small crush on me even before we started talking, but once we became friends it was a quick head over heels thing. he was just... so in love and he never met anyone like me before that cared about him so much and didnt care about his ~reputation~ or whatever. it didnt help either that shisui was regularly egging him on SNDKSNDND

mine was a small crush that grew fairly slowly!! i didn’t really think itachi was interested in any sort of relationship, and i always kinda thought that he shouldnt be around me, he was too good for me, so i mostly kept my feelings in check. i started to slip up more when i started to realize he had feelings too but i just kept thinking about all of the bad “what ifs”

4. Was there a special moment between you guys that got you to realize you had feelings for them? Was it a deep conversation, spending more quality time with them or something else? How about vice versa?

itachi’s literally known for his deep conversations like that man could sit down and discuss the meaning of life for hours but i think that might bore me to death SNDKSNDN anyway uhhhh..... for itachi i can imagine it being a lot of things, but one particular thing? we were probably discussing us being in anbu, how we were worried for each others safety. i told him something along the lines of “i dont care what happens, i just want you to be happy” and he realized that he felt the exact same way and more. he wanted to give me the world.

for me??? wow ummmm..... he’s always so gentle and caring and understanding around me, but whenever i make him smile or laugh it makes my heart flutter and makes me feel all sorts of things and one time when i made him laugh with a dumb joke, thats when i realized i had feelings for him. thats when i realized that all i really wanted was to see him smile

12. Have either of you ever sent gifts to each other with notes attached to them as secret admirers?

idk if i’d be one to do this but itachi definitely does!!! he’s super romantic about it. leaves roses in places he knows i’ll see, leaves lil sappy notes attached to them with heartfelt poems from a ‘secret admirer’. have i mentioned hes a complete nerd? the poems are always really sweet tho and i get so flustered reading them ;o; i wonder if he knows this, he probably does dnfksndn

actually, ill often buy him sweets if im passing by that one particular shop he really likes!! i like to leave them by the dock at the uchiha compound or leave them on his windowsill :’3 im sure he knows im the one doing that tho

deidara:

3. Did it start off as a small crush for you, or did you quickly fall head over heels? How about vice versa?

answered here!! 💕💕

4. Was there a special moment between you guys that got you to realize you had feelings for them? Was it a deep conversation, spending more quality time with them or something else? How about vice versa?

so deidara’s crush at first was more appearance based and it was probably a specific conversation we were having that made him realize he had feelings for me :’3 i was telling him about something about akarui culture (probably some of the mythological creatures!!) and he realized that he was actually completely focused on what i was saying, and that he wanted to hear more about me and everything about me and just realized that, wow, ive loved everything ive learned about this girl so far. i think im actually in love with her.

for me!!! it was probably during one of the first “peaceful” moments we had, like while we were sitting by a river and just chilling while he fidgeted with his clay. i already enjoyed being around him a lot as he was really fun to talk to but this was one of the moments that made me realize that there really is a lot more to him than what everyone thinks. hes not just the loudmouth, egotistical bastard everyone makes him out to be

12. Have either of you ever sent gifts to each other with notes attached to them as secret admirers?

i couldnt really see either of us doing this tbh!! deidaras the type to be more upfront and loud about this sorta thing. hes probably bought things that made him think of me and just gives them to me later rather than do the whole “secret gift” thing. and i reciprocate in kind!!

he’s a lot more thoughtful too than what a lot of ppl think. while on a mission in konoha with another akatsuki member he probably ducked into a library or bookstore and stole a book on akarui culture, and uses that to get more specific gifts for me. he learns our symbolism behind different bird feathers, different items that represent things specific to akarui and goes out of his way to gift them to me. its really sweet and thoughtful 🥺🥺🥺

[luvd0nghyuck]

an awaited love♡

it was unlikely to vision the school's bad boy and good girl to date but hey, anything's possible.

it was a daily routine since they were both stressed. y/n, head of the cheer team and library aide before and after school while haechan was the leader of the dreamies and captain of the football team.

you may be curious as to how complete opposites ever crossed paths romantically and it was all from a detention in the library. haechan stole a go cart to drive his friend, chenle to the nearest bathroom during football practice so he can take a shit. which landed haechan right in between the aisles of the book shelves and a game of 21 questions between the both of you since he was bored.

"is it true that you smoke weed and drink alocohol?" i ask.

"yeah... people who has never tried it before always looks down upon it but its not that bad once you try... you want me to burn you out?

"WHAT?" i blurted out accidentally but i realized that this is a library so i slapped my hand over my mouth.

"you do know that it's just the two of us right? the librarian isn't even here." he said as he decides to sit on the floor and place the book on the lowest shelf and absentmindedly i just sit down along with him.

"what do you mean burn me out? what does that even mean?" i ask as curiosity kills the cat but instead of answer back, he smiled like he had a devious plan.

i had the joint my mouth as he was lighting up the other end with his red lighter. as it caught on fire, he blew it out and told me to suck and i did as hard as i could and then he took the joint of my mouth as he saw that i took a hard hit. my eyes were watering and my throat was getting scratchy, itching to cough but he told me before we started that i have to hold in the smoke as long as i can.

"hold it in y/n, don't cough it out yet." he attempted to courage me but for 10 more seconds i had to cough the foreign smoke out of my lungs. as he watched me cough it out, he patted my back and told me to spit it out if i had to since we were hiding on top of the library's roof. as i was collecting the clean air throughout my lungs, he patiently waited for me to calm down and when i did, he asked: "wanna hit it again?"

...

and that was the funny yet confidential start as to how we began to affiliate with each other. before i always admired him from afar but i knew to stay away since he was bad news. but whatever happens, happens and i don't regret meeting haechan at all. that night of his detention, we were stoned to the bone and we discussed everything we could to get to know each other and it was all in one night. we talked about our favorite genre of music to our biggest fears and dreams, our hobbies to our pet peeves, or our future plans and our past.

the more we talked, the more i felt myself getting comfortable with him, and the more i started to admire how his tanned skin looked so beautiful in the sky's sunset. the way his orange dyed hair suited him and brought out his brown eyes. the way his voice was soothing to listen to and made me feel drowsy (or maybe that was just the weed) .

there was a moment where we both stopped talking and let the silence talk for us and let our thoughts roam. i thought about how life and school wasn't as eventful as i thought it was, it was just a routine. wake up, get ready, eat breakfast, go to the library, go to class, go to cheer practice or go to the library then go home to do homework. i realized nobody ever asked me to hang out or invited me to parties or asked me out on dates because i was stuck in a routine. nothing new and no changes. but hanging out with haechan made me see a whole new world.

"hey y/n"

"hmm?"

"i'm glad that i got detention." he said and i just quietly laughed to myself because i knew what he meant.

"and i'm glad you stole that go-cart." he said and his red eyes turned to me and smiled at me.

"you know i like you like this." he stated as he slowly tucked my hair behind my ear and i blushed.

"oh yeah? why?"

"your hair is down. i never see your hair down. your eyes, they're red but i can see that you're genuinely content like you found a peace within yourself." he said truthfully and in all honesty, what he said was accurate. my whole life has always been lived in safety. i never did do anything exciting, most likely because my parents control my life and i'm already given the nickname 'the school's good ice princess'. "i've never really told anyone this but i always admired you from afar." he said as he took another hit from the joint and passed it to me as shock slowly registers within me.

"n-no way." i said while taking the joint from his fingers and taking a hit as he exhaled the smoke.

"oh yes way, i always thought to myself that you were too good for me to ever confess to you. your pretty little self intimated the schools bad boy." he confessed. and that just made me take a second hit as i couldn't believe the words coming out of his mouth. i kept in the weed induced smoke in my lungs until i felt the need to breathe which was awhile and enough time to think of what to say back.

"i had no idea but i'm kinda mad now cus it's senior year now and i wished you would've confessed to me early because i would've accepted your confession." i truthfully said and i passed the joint back to him but he just began to shake his head.

"naaah you wouldn't date someone like me." he said and i felt a little sad as to why he would say something like that.

"why would you say that? you didn't even know me before." i say, fully facing him only to see he was always sitting towards me.

"no but i knew of you and before i knew you were a straight A student, you always smelled like green apples and shea butter, you didn't like the school's cheeseburgers since it the cheese just looks like cum on top of the burger, and you never used pencils and how you-" i cut him off by softly placing my lips on his because i was starting to get tired of him ramble about me. i tasted weed and the flavor gum we're both chewing awhile ago. but what really snatched my soul was how he reacted back, he kissed me with in undeniable passion as if he waited years for this exact moment and he's trying to tell me that he's in love with me. it was slow but the burning within ourselves was empowering. as we parted, it was like static electricity.

"wow" i said. "that was my first." i said quietly.

"same" he said and i looked at him slowly in disbelief. "what? have you ever heard one rumor of me sleeping around? that's all jaemin, not me." he said seriously and i just chuckled and i couldn't help but kiss him on the cheek. he was overwhelmingly cute.

"what was that for?" he asked.

"for all the years you waited to confess to me." i said and i kissed him on the other cheek once more. "for all the years you admired me from afar." i kissed once more on his forehead. "for all the years you studied me and my natural self." i kissed him chin. "for all the years you thought i was too good for you." i kissed his nose. "for all the years you probably wished for this moment." i kissed his lips. "for all the years we missed out together."

as i pulled back to study his face, his eyes were barely open, hash and undeniably happy from all the love and affection i'm giving him, i just had to laugh until my stomach growled then my mouth watered and tacos came into my mind. then it was his turn to laugh.

"let's get out of here" he said as he slowly got up and brought me up along with him too. i stumbled a little and he caught me in a tight embrace. and cringy me i just had to laugh.

"sorry this is so cliché" while he rolled his eyes and let go of his hold on me and my legs went jelly. only for him to catch me once more. "jerk" i muttered as he laughed and helped me slowly walked out of the library building and into his car. he paid for our tacos and i swear it tasted like heaven.

"damn so you got the munchies huh?" he asked, eyes still red with a smug laugh. i just slowly nodded my head while i slowly enjoyed my taco. he just shaked his head and ate more of his taco but continuing to stare at me. although i was as high as a kite in the sky, i can feel his eyes on my face until i stopped eating to ask him what.

"oh nothing, you're just so beautiful and i'm just glad you decided to be mines." he said as his clean hand rubbed my thigh underneath the table. darn these booth tables, i'm trying to eat, not be sexually aroused. i almost choked on my food and it made him stop.

"oh, are you okay?" he asked and began to pass me the coke. i drank until i stopped choking and nodded my head to show that my gag reflex was fine now.

we finished our tacos and in the car, he asked if i wanted anything else. although i was still hungry, i didn't want to be a burden.

"im fine" i said only for my stomach to growl again.

"okay yeah no, we're going to 7-eleven." he said before putting his keys into the ignition.

as we arrived to the nearest store he told me the exact words "get whatever you want." and five minutes later, i had armful of a big bag of doritos, a pickle, oreos, a coke, kit-kat, and a pint of cookies and cream ice cream. he laughed as i dropped all of the snacks onto the counter and gave the cashier a $20 bill, as he got gum, a slushee, and eye drops. as the lady bagged our items, he told her to keep the change. we walked out with him holding the bags and me opening the door and unlocking the doors as we both got into his lexus.

"i don't know why i'm so hungry. i usually don't eat this much." i said ashamed while opening my bag of chips. he just laughed as he began to exit out of 7-eleven's parking lot.

"when you get high, you can get the munchies. munchies is when you get really hungry and crave for food mostly snacks but you can eat meals too." he said and the information slowly processed into my brain as i munched loudly on my snacks. he gave me a quick glance and laughed again.

"why are you laughing at me?" i ask completely clueless.

"because you're exactly everything i ever wanted and you've never changed over these past years i have admired you." he said and all i can think of was 'oh... so he in love love.' i turned on his radio and my favorite song better by khalid played. and it was like i can hear every beat and instrument and backup vocals playing in the song.

it was only 9 pm and he asked if i needed to go home and i said no since my parents know i usually get home late by bus which angered him a little.

"you're no longer allowed to catch the bus anymore. i will pick you up and drop you off. okay?" he asked as he gripped my thigh and i shakily replied.

"o-okay"

"okay good." and he drove towards the lookout of the entire city.

"why are we here?" i asked.

"you're still high and i just wanna take you home when you're able to walk properly." and i just nodded deciding he was right since my parents would be pissed if they knew i did marijuana.

i munched on my snacks as haechan posted a quick pic of the view from his car and his caption was "nothing feels better than this" since it was the song that was playing and then he posted it on his ig story.

when i finished all of my snacks, i faced the other way to let out a long and loud burp. instead of him being disgusted all he said was "okay first of all, wow that was impressive and second of all i don't know why you're facing the other way, i need some of that talented burp." and began to fan the air towards his face and i laughed out loud as i stopped him from smelling my dinner.

"oh here" he said as he passed me eye drops. i accepted them and began to drop them into my eyes. "do you have perfume by any chance?" he asked me and i nodded my head. "good, spray yourself with that." and i did as told as we began to take our leave from the lookout and back to my neighborhood which is the same neighborhood that he lives in.

we drove into my driveway and i didnt want to leave his car. "as much as i want you to stay with me y/n, you have to go home to your parents or else they will call 911 on your ass." and i nodded my head since he's always right.

"you're right" i said with a sad sigh yet i couldn't help the growing smile on my face as i thought about what i did today with him. "thank you for today. i'm very grateful and i hope we can do this again."

"sure we can do this tomorrow." he said calmly.

"omg are you serious?" i said and he nodded for me to smother him in kisses all over his face.

"thank you! thank you! thank you!" i said and gave him one last kiss on his soft lips, it was similar to the one on the roof except this one was given in a relief type of way. as we pulled away, we were bith breathless.

"i am so whipped for you." and i just giggled before grabbing my things and exiting the car.

"thank you again and get home safely!" i said.

"my house is down the street, i think the worst thing that can happen to me is a speed bump." he said cockily and i just rolled my eyes.

"i don't care just be safe." and he just nodded and smiled.

"okay, okay, go wash up and shower. dont forget to dm me your number before you sleep. okay?"

"okay" i say and smile before biting my bottom lip.

"oh don't do that before i'm about to leave. leaving you is hard enough already." i laugh once again before sending him off for real this time.

"bye haechan"

"okay bye." he said before putting the car into drive and i began to walk up my steps until he honked. "see you tomorrow babes!"

and just like that my heart was stolen.

my parents were in their rooms so i quietly showered and laid in my bed as i texted haechan my number.

he sent me a good night text since it was 11 pm and we both had a busy schedule and i couldn't wait to have our weed date again.

and that's the funny yet fluffy story of how y/n and haechan became the good couple/bad couple.

[sinkingsidewalks]

“Siblings, two feathers from the same phoenix, a rarity. They’ve been sitting up there for longer than I can remember, unusual combinations them both.” He opens the boxes slowly. “One, holly, ten and a half inches, nice and supple, the other, pine, nine and three-quarter inches, unyielding. So different, yet at their cores, the same.” Scott stands to join her at the counter. His fingers creep forward towards the wand, curious. “Of course, the third…”

I’m assuming this is for the DVD commentary thing i rb’d the other day so THANK YOU SO MUCH :) this is gonna be a lot but im not gonna apologize for it. you picked a hell of a paragraph to send me

Siblings,Rowling calls this ‘brothers’ but obviously i couldn’t use that. hp is surprisingly gendered when you start to break it down two feathers from the same phoenix, a rarity. the whole basis of this fic is their connection (like many others lol) so to have a very literal representation of that was just a gift They’ve been sitting up there for longer than I can remember, unusual combinations them both.” this line of dialogue is paraphrased directly from Philosopher’s Stone if i remember correctly, though the book or the movie i can never tell. i almost didn’t write this scene, originally i was just going to start at the sorting. then when i started thinking about plot things and i realized that they’d need to be in diagon alley, i couldn’t not have them buying wands. i really love wandlore, its such a beautifully subtle way to reflect your characters. He opens the boxes slowly. “One, holly, ten and a half inches, nice and supple, this is essentially Harry’s wand except just a bit shorter (to make it more similar to Tessa’s), i kept it as Scott’s wand because it serves him in much the same way it serves harry. Holly is traditionally considered protective and works well for those who need help overcoming their temper (scott much?) there’s also some stuff about how holly wands favour wizards destined for dangerous quests but maybe spoilers? the other, pine, nine and three-quarter inches, unyielding. i spent a LOT of time fussing over tessa’s wand. mostly because there was so many good options for her. ultimately, i settled on pine because its wizards are often independent and can be seen as loners and because pine encourages creativity and is very adaptable. all of which suits tessa in nature and in plot purposes. she gets ‘unyielding’ for the exact opposite reason scott gets ‘nice and supple’ flexibility is the most vague aspect of wands but here it represents how comfortable they are in their personalities so to speak. Scott may seem outwardly confident in himself but inwardly his nature is still very adaptable in youth, there are several people he could end up being depending on outside influences. Tessa is less like this, she already has a handle on who she is and who she wants to be, not to say she won’t grow but her internal self is already pretty much in place. also it’s a nice contrast to the flexibility of the pine aspect. So different, yet at their cores, the same.” this line is very clearly reflective of vm themselves. their outer layer attributes may be different but they’re both driven by the same forces Scott stands to join her at the counter. His fingers creep forward towards the wand, curious. “Of course, the third…” of course, the third… if you know where im going with this you know where im going with this but if you don’t just enjoy the ride

send me a paragraph of any of my fics and i’ll write a commentary for it!

[coquuin]

u bet ur fuckin ass im sending myself an ask meme bc fuck you no one else will so shit SOMEONE gotta. all the questions for Ezekiel bay bee

the amount of fucks that i do not give is unreal

1. How does your character think of their father? What do they hate and love about him? What influence - literal or imagined - did the father have?

well shit both of Ezekiel’s parents died when he was 3 so obviously he hardly has any memories of them, but! Ezekiel’s father was.. fucking hilarious! the dude had an amazing sense of humor–mightve been a stand up comedian, although not a huge known one?? he was always smiling and just trying to make people laugh! especially loved to make his son laugh the most.

so as you can easily imagine, 3-year-old Ezekiel obviously loved his father. i mean, why wouldnt he. although now that his father is long dead and ezekiel has pretty much forgotten him by this point, his opinion towards what very little he DOES remember of his dad is just like.. “why were you so fucking happy all the time? what was there to be happy about?” but, like i said, seeing as Ezekiel has completely forgotten him, he’s pretty neutral on him and doesnt really have much of an opinion.

2. Their mother? How do they think of her? What do they hate? Love? What influence - literal or imagined - did the mother have?

opinion wise, it’s the exact same deal as his father–seeing as both parents died at the same time. so he neither dislikes or likes her! hes just neutral.

however, as for her personality, she was honestly like the polar opposite of the dad. she was calm and collected, and a little intense. a very blunt woman who would not be afraid to call you out on your bullshit! sort of like Ezekiel now actually :) a lot of her mannerisms and personality traits literally resemble Ezekiel to a T, which he obviously doesnt even realize seeing as his mom has been, yknow, dead for all his life. but underneath that tough exterior, she was a very sweet woman! she was probably a doctor tbh.

4. What type of discipline was your character subjected to at home? Strict? Lenient?

IN THE CULT.. it was like a literal living hell and EXTREMELY strict. which is exactly what this cult wanted! seeing as it was a Satanic cult especially. BUT UHHH.. i cant go too in depth on how everything was like in that orphanage, but if you REALLY wanna know all the gross details literally just do some research on Satanism or Satanic Cults and youll be sure to find some pretty gross stuff. all of that is what happened to Ezekiel there!

the things i can mention though!! every child had to wear the same uniform every day, they all had the same exact hairstyle (boys had a short bowlcut, girls had long hair which they were absolutely not allowed to style or put up). they were, of course, beaten severely if the orphanage staff saw fit to do so. medieval torture methods were used on them, especially for sacrifices. they were bluntly told, “if you try to leave, the Devil will kill every single one you love and come for you last”–which is honestly why Ezekiel always talks about how “the devil is out to get him” or why Ezekiel feels that he cant get close to anyone, bc he just expects the devil to kill anyone he gets close to! bc, yknow, he ran away. the kids were also often forced to eat or drink bodily fluids which Yeah is fucking disgusting. they only had one meal a day, and said meal was very small–so a lot of the kids starved, and thats why Ezekiel is such a picky eater and refuses to eat a lot of the time! bc hes just so used to having only one tiny meal a day, just enough for him to survive on, and any more than one small meal he always feels like he’s wasted too much money or something. a lot of sexual abuse went on too. YOU GET THE IDEA BY NOW IM SURE SO.. YEAH, IT WAS… BAD BAD BAD.

5. Were they overprotected as a child? Sheltered?

EXTREMELY SHELTERED. he and the other kids in the orphanage were absolutely not allowed to go outside whatsoever. this was because the caretakers told them “THE OUTSIDE WORLD WANTS TO CORRUPT YOU, SO YOU MUST ABSOLUTELY NOT INTERACT WITH ANYTHING THAT IS OUTSIDE OF THESE DOORS!!!” and were EXTREMELY strict on that rule. one time, Ezekiel had snuck out when he was about 7, and brought in stray kittens, which he hid in his room! it wasnt long until his roommates snitched on him and the caretakers straight up just fucking cut off every kitten’s head right in front of lil Ezekiel and then proceeded to beat him afterward. so that kinda fucked him up!!! this is what led to Ezekiel’s reclusive behavior now and his generally being totally silent when he’s around anyone he doesn’t know (although he has gotten a lot better about the talking thing! albeit the fact when he does talk chances are he is saying something very mean. BUT STILL!). even now, he completely secludes himself in his small apartment, even going so far as boarding up all his windows to block the sunlight altogether. well ok he also boarded them up bc he has an extremely bad habit of trying to break the glass but. the sunlight thing too!

6. Did they feel rejection or affection as a child?

REJECTION OFC. the orphanage caretakers never even referred to him by his name–instead, they called every child by numbers. in Ezekiel’s case, it was #34. even now, that is his least favorite number.

8. How does your character feel about religion?

he may not seem like it, but Ezekiel is VERY VERY VERY religious!!! after he ran away from the orphanage and later moved to L.A., he actually did convert to Christianity! he always wears a golden cross necklace around his neck and he feels like it protects him from evil spirits–obviously thats all in his head as no evil spirits are really out to get him, but it’s a big big BIG comfort item to him. he can easily recite a shit ton of Bible verses bc he reads that damn thing all the fucking time man. in general, his faith in god is a huge fucking comfort for him, as he always fears the devil is out to get him and whatnot–its nice to think that he may actually have god on his side to protect him.

10. Is your character street-smart, book-smart, intelligent, intellectual, slow-witted?

honestly??? hes all over the fuckin place. he surprisingly does have some street smarts to him (from having been literally fucking homeless for a while).

although the only thing he’s really book-smart with is languages–he’s a big linguist! but otherwise, he kinda sucks at smart stuff like math or science or stuff like that–bc he never went to school! he did learn how to read while in the orphanage, but that was really about it.

not too intelligent either??? thats mostly bc he’s literally been secluded from interacting with people like all his life, so he’s just not really good at like.. reading people? and has little to no life skills bc no one ever taught him??

12. How does their education and intelligence – or lack thereof - reflect in their speech pattern, vocabulary, and pronunciations?

ok so despite the fact that Ezekiel never went to school, his vocabulary is actually pretty big! although like i said, he did learn to read in the cult so. that really isnt too much of an issue. but he’s very very interested in literature and language as a whole, and always was even as a child! so even now, he devotes a lot of his time to studying that kind of stuff, and his way of speaking definitely shows it–well, if you can get behind the constant swearing, anyway.

16. What does your character do for a living? How do they see their profession? What do they like about it? Dislike?

he’s the guitarist of the rock band Rogue! his feelings on playing in a band in general is kinda.. conflicting, really. he isnt sure if he enjoys it or hates it. for one, he actually has HUGE stage fright–though he has gotten a bit better about it after playing on stage so many times by now, but it’s still a recurring issue with him and can sometimes cause complications within the band. it certainly is very anxiety-inducing for him, but at the same time… he cant bring himself to just quit, either. not even he himself is sure why he still puts up with the band, but he finds himself drawn to it quite often. he is very very very proud of being able to write music and have it be shown to millions of people though–hearing the band’s singer, Augustine, sing his lyrics to crowds, and the crowd loving it, is probably one of the biggest things that can make Ezekiel happy.

17. Did they travel? Where? Why? When?

well, his first travel was from London, England to Los Angeles, California! and thats where he eventually joined the band! and, yknow, being in a band that tours quite often, now he definitely has to travel a lot. which he absolutely hates. he would much rather just stay home in his stupid secluded cheap ass apartment, but hey, u gotta do what u gotta do

23. What do they want from a partner? What do they think and feel of sex?

when it comes to partners, ezekiel honestly doesnt expect too much from them–just a mutual understanding of each other is all he truly asks for, which should really go without saying in a relationship anyway.

hes not really one for sex! not to say he never wants to do it, though. he does have a lower sex drive than most people though–and the moments he does do it with his partner, it’s gonna have to be very gentle. he couldnt handle anything too rough tbh. also hes a total bottom so jot that down-

26. What does your character’s home look like? Personal taste? Clothing? Hair? Appearance?

his home is a fucking MESS. he has a tendency to destroy the entire room whenever he’s having one of his temper tantrums, and this is pretty evident all over Ezekiel’s apartment, bc he doesnt even bother to clean up afterwards. the only time he really cleans up his own mess at home is if its like, food or a drink or something bc he isnt that bad about it but. every room at his apartment looks like a fucking tornado hit him or something. and he couldnt care less what his home looks like! like as long as Ezekiel has a bed, he’ll be alright. he doesnt even like big homes all that much, and prefers to live in something simple and relatively small.

as for clothing, Ezekiel usually just goes for simple stuff. Especially wears a lot of jackets, hoodies, the like. a lot of baggy-ish clothing going on, but he actually is pretty fashionable believe it or not!

hair wise, Ezekiel just has.. no fucks to give. he hardly puts much care to his hair at all tbh. its just naturally curly and a little messy, but at least he keeps it fairly short so it doesnt get too bad. its probably a lil greasy tho.. someone make this boy take a gotdamn SHOWER

29. What is your character’s weaknesses? Hubris? Pride? Controlling?

theres probably several tbh IJOISJERIJ

but most of all, probably both his paranoia and his stubbornness? like he can hardly even function in every day life bc he cANT EVEN COME OUT OF HIS HOUSE BC HES SO PARANOID OVER EVERYTHING. and oh my GOD Ezekiel is so goddamn infuriatingly stubborn like GODDAMN. sometimes its just practically impossible to get through to this guy whatsoever. ezekiel can honestly be a pain in the ass

30. Are they holding on to something in the past? Can he or she forgive?

HE REMEMBERS PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING SINGLE FUCKING THING FROM THE CULT.. AND OH GOD DOES IT PLAGUE HIS MIND EVERY SINGLE DAY. like his entire childhood in that orphanage still is so fresh and prevalent in his head that he quite often has hallucinations of the events that happened there, especially when he sees certain things. like cats, for example! seeing a cat will literally send Ezekiel into immediate panic and he genuinely thinks he’s back at the orphanage where he watched those stray kittens i mentioned earlier get their lil heads cut off and he’ll repeat over and over, “their heads are gone, their heads are gone, their heads are gone-” bECAUSE. ITS LIKE HES THERE ALL OVER AGAIN! which is, of course.. yet another reason he hardly ever comes out of his home! bc he thinks “well if i just dont go out then that means i cant see anything triggering that will make me have another panic attack.”

as for forgiving his abusers? OH HAHA ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOT. HE HOPES THEY ALL DIE OR HAVE ALREADY DIED IN THE MOST BRUTAL WAYS POSSIBLE.

32. How does your character react to stress situations? Defensively? Aggressively? Evasively?

Ezekiel either:A) GETS REALLY FUCKING PISSED AND START DESTROYING EVERYTHING IN THE ROOMB) HAVE A WHOLE ASS MENTAL BREAKDOWN AND PANIC

33. Do they drink? Take drugs? What about their health?

unfortunately, Ezekiel is very much an addict :( he’s a big alcoholic, and also does cocaine, ecstasy, pain killers, xanax, and maybe some other shit i cant think of off the top of my head. but! hes.. a mess…. save him

35. Do they always rationalize errors? How do they accept disasters and failures?

it depends on the person/people around him! because with anyone that he hardly knows? then he doesnt really give a shit and easily brushes it off, because he honestly doesnt care what strangers think of him anyway. but around people that hes actually close to and he cares about? THEN OOF. HE CAN POSSIBLY HAVE A WHOLE PANIC ATTACK BC HE REALLY DOESNT WANT TO LET HIS LOVED ONES DOWN..

36. Do they like to suffer? Like to see other people suffering?

of course not!!! although its.. not impossible for him to enjoy someone elses suffering. you would just have to like, REAAALLY fucking do him wrong for him to be like that, which is pretty hard even for him. like the orphanage caretakers! i assure u if they suffered Ezekiel would LOVE that. 

37. How is your character’s imagination? Daydreaming a lot? Worried most of the time? Living in memories?

most of the time hes living in memories, for sure. either that, or he’s just kinda stressed or anxious! but not always necessarily a bad anxious tho! like if hes around someone that he actually likes, he’ll be VERY anxious, but like in a good way! just kinda excited yknow. BUT MOST OF THE TIME, ITS BAD OFC.

38. Are they basically negative when facing new things? Suspicious? Hostile? Scared? Enthusiastic?

VERY SCARED AND DISTRUSTFUL, PRETTY HOSTILE!!! remember hes fucking paranoid about every little thing rip.

40. How is their sense of humor? Do they have one?

well, most of ezekiel’s jokes involve swearing and yelling, so probably that! Angery……

42. What does your character want most? What do they need really badly, compulsively? What are they willing to do, to sacrifice, to obtain?

i think probably like.. parents tbh. or at least a parental figure. he’s only had one person who was like a father to him, but that guy is all the way back in London so Ezekiel hasnt seen him since :( and tbh for like most of his life, he’d always assumed that not having parents was like.. just whatever, yknow? bc you cant really miss something that was never there. but, after he ran away from the cult and he saw like.. people, he saw a lot of happy families and whatnot and just!! hes really jealous of anyone who has a functional, happy family now. it isnt so much that he misses his birth parents, just that he wants to have some kind of parental figure in general. someone that he feels he can actually call family.

44. How badly do they want to obtain their life objectives? How do they pursue them?

what’s sad? the fact that ezekiel… doesnt really have any life objectives! the only objective he really has is to survive. thats literally it. he just doesnt want “the devil” to take him–and to escape the devil’s wrath, ezekiel immerses himself in his religion and staying inside all day and night so that he doesnt have to talk to anyone! thats basically about it

46. Is your character tall? Short? What about size? Weight? Posture? How do they feel about their physical body?

he’s pretty tall! 6′3″! although for his weight, i swear to god hes like.. a fucking twig. i mean theres that whole “he only eats one small meal a day” thing, so ofc you can imagine that probably has an effect on his weight. BUT! that isnt the only reason hes so skinny! it’s also bc he has Klinefelter Syndrome, which is when a male is born with an extra X chromosome. so as a result of that, he is a little taller than most people, is very skinny, has weak bones, and breasts! and some other symptoms but i dont feel like listing every single thing so fuck y

as for posture, Ezekiel is usually a liiiittle slouched, but not terribly so! when hes stressed, however, he always stands up completely straight!

ezekiel absolutely fucking hates his body, though. he knows full well that hes not.. the most attractive–ugly, even. you know that “your toes, hand em over” meme? yeah, he looks like that a little bit. his body honestly looks pretty fucking freaky. ALSO HE HAS A LITERAL MICROPENIS SO THATS A THING! all in all, Ezekiel just… is very very very scared of showing off his body to anyone honestly. extremely insecure!

47. Do they want to project an image of a younger, older, more important person? Does they want to be visible or invisible?

Ezekiel actually puts on this whole temperamental asshole front specifically to MAKE people hate him! thats why hes so quick to be like “FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT TWAT YOU GODDAMN WANKER FUCK YOU”! because, yknow, most people are usually gonna hate anyone who says that kind of stuff to them and as a result they hopefully wont wanna talk to him! which is exactly what Ezekiel wants. yep, Ezekiel wants everyone to hate him! because if everyone hates him, then they wont talk to him, and if they dont talk to him, then he doesnt risk of getting close to anyone and getting his heart broken all over again! hes a mess……

49. What about voice? Pitch? Strength? Tempo and rhythm of speech? Pronunciation? Accent?

TBH FOR REFERENCE YOU CAN JUST LIKE.. LISTEN TO MURDOC NICCALS’ VOICE BC THATS HIS VC BUT. his voice can switch between either somewhat slow or extremely fast! it all depends on his mood. in his normal speaking voice, when hes neither upset or happy or anything, his words come out a little slow, but not terribly so. pretty normal, mostly. but if hes excited, whether bad or good, he speeds up when he talks a LOT. so much so that he doesnt even let himself breathe when hes talking! just like “FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUIHATEYOUYOUGODDAMNSTUPIDTWATAAAAAA”

his voice in general is a little hoarse! although he has gotten much better about talking to people (even if he is mean when he talks), he did go through practically his whole childhood just.. not talking to people very much at all. so that kinda shows in his voice now? but its not too bad. he has a pretty low-ish voice too.

as for pronounciation and accent, again literally just listen to Murdoc’s voice bc its p much exactly the same as him but. he has a very thick london-cockney accent?? i sure hope thats accurate anyway, im not British so im not 100% sure on British accents but.

50. What are the prevailing facial expressions? Sour? Cheerful? Dominating?

THIS MOTHERFUCKER HAS THE WORST RESTING BITCH FACE IN THE HISTORY OF RESTING BITCH FACE.

ok ill just draw this one

his resting face!

AMGERY!!!!!

talking to his friends!!!

PANICKING

theres probably more i could draw, but in general, Ezekiel is VERY expressive tho! its pretty easy to read all of his expressions and emotions.

[journeysintowebcomics]

Homestuck Liveblog #170

UPDATE 170: Dave Gets His Epiphany

Last time Hussie had decided it was time to pour even more dialogue onto the readers, since last time it hadn’t been enough, hah! Ten different dialogue options – presented linearly, in a subversion of how this usually goes. So let’s continue with what may or may not be the last chance these characters have of talking to each other before the fights.

So I heard that hovering over the options one already cleared would show images, and that was right! There are images. It seems Dave and Dirk continue just...lying around awkwardly, and Vriska and her ghost are arguing while Meenah fantasizes about varied stuff. There’s more than can be done, although the very next option is Roxy being alone. She’s still trying to create the matriorb. Calliope is sitting right in front of her, in silent support role. Roxy channels the universe and Alternia’s complicated state of matters, and...

Well! Mission accomplished! That was easier than I thought it’d be, even with Calliope’s silent help. I suppose there wasn’t more time for delaying this any longer. Kanaya is going to be immensely happy the troll race will be resurrected now. This was a short detour, completely devoid of words but with a significant development – at least to complete quite some part of Roxy and Kanaya’s arcs and goals in this story.

Unfortunately for everyone involved, Roxy and Calliope leave right when the bizarre combination that is Jasprosesprite arrives to hassle Jane for a while longer. I’m crossing my fingers this’ll be quick and painless.

JASPROSESPRITE^2: Miss me Rose?  JASPROSESPRITE^2: Did you know I love you?? Weird thing for me to say and you to hear, probably!  JASPROSESPRITE^2: I inherited the adoration our cat had for you, which now strangely is directed with the exact same intensity at myself, because I'm you!  JASPROSESPRITE^2: Funnily enough this manifests itself in a particularly acute form of narcissism, which is something we were already sort of afflicted by, and so was our cat by the very nature of the sort of animal he was!  JASPROSESPRITE^2: The bottom line is I'm pretty twisted up inside in all the most beautiful ways and it's wonderful.  ROSE: It really isn't.

Haha, okay, that one was actually pretty funny. She’s not wrong, Rose, you do tend to have slight traces of narcissism in your personality. Guess that all the increased narcissism in this sprite is what makes it have absolutely no brain-mouth filter, what with having an inflated sense of the self and what one says. Being a cat can’t help that either.

Now that Jasperosesprite made the customary hassling towards Rose, she gets straight to business about the battle plan. She has to arrange with Jane how it’ll be done, after all. This is achieved by taking Jane away without even giving her a moment to prepare. There’s someone she needs to meet, somebody in Jane’s planet.

Ah, true, the denizen. The New Wonderkids’ session was rather lacking in information about the denizens, especially since this session was meant to do pretty much nothing. Given Hussie’s track record so far, I’m almost completely sure that Jane’s talk with the denizen will happen off-screen and the characters will talk about it once it’s done, so...no more option than waiting until this is done!

Damn it , I have been bamboozled! Well played, Hussie, you had me fooled, I admit it. This could be good, though, not everyday you meet a senior version of yourself that’s dressed as a clown and...is the mother of your father. This is time-travel-gone-wrong levels of weird.

Aw, come on, Hussie, I wanted to see this! But nope, just when Nannasprite got in front of Jane the section ended and went to the next. Oh well. I’m really hoping I’ll have the chance to see how this goes, but I’m not going to hold my breath over it. The scribbled images of what the rest of the options are doing show John and Terezi discussing how Rose could have a black romance status with, uh, a version of herself. Yeeeeeeah no, let’s not do that. Doesn’t seem healthy – just ask Karkat, it’d be a headache.

About Roxy and Calliope, they just arrived to what I think is Jade’s planet, and Calliope is told to stay with Jade. I had completely forgotten Jade is still asleep. It’s once again said that it’s nice to have Calliope around. And...that was it! I just summarized around six or so pages in this very short paragraph.

I think that goes way beyond the realm of kismesis behavior Rose...and out of the realm of sanity as well. Stay away from any copies of the Sassacre book, resist the temptation. Anyways, Dave and Dirk are still here. Going to try to talk again? They’re focusing more on the battle to come than on anything else. Hah! No progress on the heartfelt conversation front, apparently.

DAVE: hes got lord english powers tho

It could be a way to know how well a fight against Lord English would go, then. Sure, Union Jack is completely different, less bulky, has no time powers, and presumably has one single personality in that noggin of his instead of being a weird amalgamation, but it’d be a way to see if they are ready to fight against Lord English. Think of it as having training wheels on your bike.

Swords can’t help you solve problems with people, who’d have thought. Dirk and Jake are the closest example to how someone who has spent their formative years alone and without the presence of people around would behave: with no social skills at all. Jade got very lucky in that regard, she is very well-balanced for someone who grew on an island and only had a dog for company. Then again, her Dreamself must have been of help, the Prospitians must have helped her have some people skills.

DIRK: ...  DAVE: ...

Nothing has changed here.

It takes a few pages more before Dirk takes the plunge headfirst down the emotional cliff, with all the grace of a novice. It does get the conversation going, mostly about how this isn’t how he pictured the meeting going.

DIRK: Maybe you'll think it's weird that I idolized some version of you that I never knew. 

These two are much more similar than they each realize. Their upbringings aren’t that different, heck, I’d say that Lil’ Hal fulfilled the role Bro had, just with less sword attacks. Other than that it was pretty much the same, an isolated life with an aloof person/glasses in the vicinity. Come on, Dave, admit you idolized Bro. That’d be a great step towards turning the page in your life and bonding with Dirk, you can do it!

DAVE: ive got to say  DAVE: meeting you  DAVE: its not rockin my world here  DAVE: or upending any paradigms or whatever  DAVE: listening to you and looking at you  DAVE: it really really just  DAVE: reminds me of him

Close enough! I’m a bit downtrodden there was no exchange of words between Bro and Dave so I could have a reference on how similar this actual situation is to how they got along. I imagine Bro wasn’t that different from Dirk.

DIRK: Things, between you and me, from your perspective, um,  DIRK: Are we like, not cool?  DAVE: ..................

I’m not sure if it’s telling or not that there was no ‘yeah’ or similar quick response.

DAVE: i didnt fuckin like you that much ok? 

...

...

...okay, that isn’t how I thought it’d go. I suppose there’s a difference between idolizing and actually liking a person. Good for you for saying it aloud, Dave. It must have been very difficult to say to anybody, even more to a version of your brother.

After a sequence of images meant to show how little time passed between Dave going “I don’t want to talk about it” to “okay heres what im saying” he finally starts...and boy is it tough.

DAVE: i dunno why my friends got to have adults around who cared about them  DAVE: they complained bitterly about stuff so i guess i convinced myself they were all in the same boat as me  DAVE: but thats not how it was 

That’s pretty much how kids and teenagers are, they complain and don’t realize sometimes such complaints aren’t about things as bad as they could be. Leaving behind such behavior is part of growing up. Dave didn’t realize how badly he was being treated, though, he just saw no difference between his life and the lives of the rest of his friends – at first.

DAVE: so all thats left to do is look back and try to put the pieces together of my first 13 years  DAVE: and all i can think is what the fuck WAS that?!  DAVE: i dont come away with the impression i used to try convincing myself of, that he was like "mysterious" or "stern" or "aloof"  DAVE: the only feeling left is this insane impression that i was raised by somebody who fuckin HATED me 

...hated you? Hm...honestly? I don’t know. Bro’s way of raising Dave had a lot of things wrong, and I really don’t know how to interpret it. I’m interested on knowing how other people interpreted it. Would you mind telling me your thoughts, everyone? I really don’t know what to think about this.

Dirk actually sounds horrified about what he’s hearing. Perhaps he doesn’t like the thought of his equivalent doing this all?

DAVE: it took years to deconstruct it all and put it back together to understand how fuckin mad i should be  DAVE: and in particular how stone cold deeply uncared for i was my whole life  DAVE: like... being merely "monitored" by a violent robot 

Haha...you know what this brought to mind? What went through my head right when I read this part?

TT: Don't worry, that's normal.  TT: Upon activation he goes into Stalking Mode.  GT: Stalking mode??  TT: Yes. He will stalk you in the jungle and strike when your guard is down. 

It’s exactly that. Dave pretty much described the robot Dirk made and sent to Jake. It’s pretty much the same in terms of how Dave was raised! Wow, Hussie, did you do this on purpose? I think you did this on purpose! Dave may as well have been raised by the brobot thing, and just like Jake – who dreaded encountering it and once he had to fight it didn’t precisely have loads of fun – Dave now doesn’t want to fight. He wants to avoid this fighting thing, and hates that he has to be the one to grab the sword and slay the villain.

You seriously screwed up here, Bro.

Dave even brings up that maybe things would have been better if Lil’ Cal hadn’t been around. Maybe! The influence of Lord English can’t be an ingredient in a healthy household – even more since part of Lord English is once another version of Dirk. Hah! Life sucks for the Striders. It’s...it’s rather depressing, actually. I wonder if at the time they had to cram Caliborn into the puppet Dave realized what Lil’ Cal was. Even if he did, I doubt he’d have any kind of reaction when anyone was nearby, but at that moment I imagine many things clicked in Dave’s head.

Would Bro have been any different if that puppet of the damned hadn’t been around? Uh...I dunno. Maybe it really was a poisonous influence of some sort, influence Dirk was lucky not to have. It’s all up to interpretation, I’d say.

I think now that the epiphany is complete I can stop the update and continue next time. This, though, this is exactly what I was hoping the Striders would do, that at least one of them would unload this heavy emotional baggage, and it’s for the better! I’m glad it’s actually happening.

Next update: three updates

[kendrixtermina]

My Abuser’s been convicted

He’s not going to jail, though he did get a sentence on probation. But he’ll have to spent years working on a remore Island to pay off the fines & debts. It’s as if he were going to jail. 

If weren’t if it was just this, like, he didn’t get convicted for the actual abuse but more a peripheral consequence thereof that came back to bite him. 

My emotions are kind of in a twist over this & how this fits into the moving on with my life. 

TRIGGER WARNING

The Backstory

He’s not being convicted for abuse - indeed, the best thing I can say about him is that he never broke a law. Never left any bruises, never did outright improper touching, kept me fed & provided with material possesions adequate to our overall living standards... and treated all this like it was something he deserved a badge for, or a horrible undue burden I had imposed on him. 

He had so little of a personal connection to him, most of what I know about his life I puzzled together from his few non-horrible relatives and what my mom was told. I never knew he played chess though I took an interest in it in third grade which came to an end over a soul-crushing experience. I didn’t know where he was in the birth order ( Second Born - Which makes some things about how my brother and I were treated and even named very creepy) I only recently found out that his father cheated with & eventually remarried a woman my father’s own age. There’s another thing I can’t disclose for ethical reasons, but, he kept humiliating me in situations related to my mathematics grades till he squeezed all joy out of the subject for me and in the context of what I know it proves that he just never had the slightest shred of empathy for me. 

Well, a parent is supposed to protect their children from their own bad experiences. Not recreate them out of sadism and jealousy. Heck, Im pretty sure he only f***d my mother to breed smart children that would perform well academically, never stopping about how his family is all academics, alternating between calling me stupid & inept, a lazy waste of talent or a person who was “smart but heartless”. I’m nothin but an object to him. He has: 

Threatened that my mom would kill herself if I don’t do his bidding. 

He’s forcibly grabbed me and showed his hand into the cleavage of my dress to supposedly show off to my mother how innapropriate the dress was. 

Expected me to hug & comfort him after spats with my mother. What am I his girlfriend?   

He’s reacted to me being bullied (and once even coerced into undressing by bullies!) by blaming and mocking me. I can still hear him calling me a clown, an embarassment and a “Make-Me-Laugh-Thing” and going on on how I basically couldn’t expect anything else

He called me a “rotten pile of nazi entrails” at age 11 for being unhappy enough to consider running away

He pushed me toward hobbies he liked & then tried to push the same ones onto one of my sisters, essentially “replacing” me post puberty. 

He’s continued to threaten to leave us & replace us with adopted children because we’re supposedly such “ingrates”

. If you cry in front of him, he’d accuse you of “threatre”.

 I’ve heard my mother cry about how his eyes would never sparkle as much for anything related to his family as they did for his job, how she knew he didn’t love her, was afraid he’d leave her without money & only valued her as a baby factory. He tried to push her into adoption & terrorized her children to pressure her.  I’ve come home to constant arguments and objects being thrown around. 

When I graduate from highschool a year ahead, he say there was “nothing to celebrate” because it wasn’t all As & proceeded to humiliate me in front of my siblings. 

He would frequently tell lies about me to my family (Sometimes I have nightmares about this)

He’s been known to throw me me into walls  as a teenager

Once, while he did that, my head very narrowly missed a hard metal radiator. that night, I crept into bed with my mother at the age of 14 because I was so terrified he’d KILL me. Now I know that he never would have, but he kept going on about how everything was dangerous & filled our heads with fear & how we’d kill our siblings if they as much as bumped into hard objects and he said that exact same thing over and over again, “Careful with hitting your heads”. 

I was kept locked & isolated from other children & forbidden from leaving the house or going on school trips/ sllepovers until age 11

Blame me for everything that went wrong in the family (including one time one of  my sisters - then a toddler! -  gave herself a second degree burn. )

Destroyed my favorite toys to terrorize me, repeatedly threatened to kick me out or destroy my computer with all my writing on it

Never read anything I wrote, called it “satanic” and that it was “all lies” because I “knew nothing about people”. Repeatedly shamed me for my introversion & used it against me

called me ugly, crazy, fat, selfish, inept, stupid, a tool, immoral... anything in the book. After a while he noticed that “inept”, “selfish”, “pointlessly rebellious” and “easy to provoke”, as well as terrorizing my mom & siblings hurt the most & weaponized the shit out of it. 

Said I would never get laid & how ugly and unfuckable I am. Yes my own father. 

Once I DID get laid, of course... well, he didn’t use the word slut but he basically called me a slut.

Bisexuality is a phase, liberalism is a phase, atheism is a phase... I am a phase, because apparently, he gets to decide what the real me is that he supposedly “loves” despite repeatedly equating queer people with pedophiles atheists with nazis and sex out of wedlock with degeneracy. 

Tried to have me institutionalized/removed from the family over bogus claims. They ran all possible tests & didn’t find anything, not that I found this out until years later... years that I basically spent resigned that I was some kind of defective mutant freak incapable of bonding with other humans and basically hating myself from ages 9 to 13. (As to how I survived and what happened at age 13, I’ll just say “Art, Sarah and the Internet” and “Neon Genesis Evangelion”, respectively)

The constant condescension, dismissiveness, mockery,  and twisting of my words

Et cetera et cetera; That’s only what I’ve been unable to forget.

Think Humbert Humbert if he liked adult women & had his creepy obsession with procreation instead of youth. The exact same self-serving pretentiousness. That’s him. That’s exactly him. It’s like his throat spits acid instead of words; I used to say that if the happiert person in the room listened to him long enough, they’d end up suicidal. Or, if we go for maximum hipster, this hits the nail on the head:

But very later I have learned

To accept some friends of ridicule

My whole existance is for your amusement

And that is why I’m here with you

To  take me with your eyes

Given how tumblr’s full of  terrible stories of families where sibling bonds were poisoned & people wound up with depression, anxiety or CPTSD I got off pretty fucking lightly with my damn procrastination/self-motivation problem  (by the way a very common result of controlling or stage parents.) that I might be kinda sorta getting a grip on. Helps that I had at least one decent Parent.  

20 years I constantly felt like I was totally replaceable. The man definitely wanted his money back on me, or whatever stepford robot daughter he expected to get when he first put his filthy dick into my mom. 

Every single frustration is his life (that still ended with him being a wealthy, respected Doctor, mind you) he took out on me and the others. But he hated me the most (Though he was pretty shitty to mom and Isabel, too. The others, he simply neglected. Both sucked in its own ways.)

When I was younger, all I wanted with all the inrresponsibe childish stuff I did at times was just for him to get that he HURT me, not for his sake, but my own, to prove that I EXIST have FEELINGs as more than an object basically.

I never wanted his approval or love (I rather had the opposite problem that I felt gross doing thins he might approve of) in fact I felt uneasy around him early on and my first memories of him are of him treating me capriciously and pushing me to be his mini-me. (By contrast my earliest memory of my mom involves songs and  funtime in a garden and her explaining to me what a tulip is), but I guess I thought I had to “win” and prove my reality to him.

 I read up on narcissistic abuse on the web, I saw an university councellor who implored me to move out, but the decision was mine, when I ascertaind my theories so to speak. I realized that it was not that I was explaining badly or failing to be stoic enough, but that he was provoking & playing sadistic games with me. I was talking to someone who was going “lalala” and using everything I said or revealed as a weapon against me. I was just exhausting my energy there, and making my feeling catharsis & justified depending on his fucking aknowledgement. Thee’s no convincing someone who’s actively refusing to hear. 

When I realized that he would rearrange reality to fit is view of being alwys right, saw in full awareness how uch he bent and warped his story to suit his whims no matter what I said, that my revenge fantasies had value of catharsis without having to be implemented in real life, that they were, in fact, wasted on him, I left.

I realized that he was the only one who treated me as worthless and how much my other relatives loved me. I found out that I am perfectly typical specimen of a somewhat uncommon but not altogether outlandish personality type. 

On the occasions that we met, I did my best to ignore and avoid him, and he’d try to force me into interacting with him on the pretense of “politeness” and did the usual “Your bad for not forgiving me” shtick. 

After a while, I reached the point where I could mostly forget about him and not spiral into this blood vessel popping rage every time something reminded me of him. It was nice to not be mocked or yelled at or have new things I liked spoiled by him. I actually lost a bunch of weight just from all the frustration-induced-comfort-food-binging and family-dinner-avoiding-late-night-snacking i was no longer doing. Getting rid of him must have added years to my life.I’m sure moving out added years to my life But I didn’t want to give up on the things he already spoiled & posoned with impossible expectations, so  I was still living with the consequences of what he did to me every day while he wasn’t. 

Sometimes he came up as a logical cause - and nothing will change that not even this new developement - even though I tried & reached a point where im bored of discussing him and just want to forget he exist/ not think about him

So what happened

Well, what happened is really fucking poetic. 

You can’t come up with this shit. 

Sometimes RL writes the best stories and outdoes all fiction, or perhaps fiction authors understand the human condition well enough.

Tax fraud. He’s in trouble for tax fraud. Exept, he frauded no taxes. He pushes all his paperwork, organization and finances off to his wife and has been doing so for years. Can’t even make a bank transaction, never bothered, never lived on his own. Used to call it “traditional family” and “archieving more as an unit” but what it actually is is, he does his job (which he enjoys way more than wife or children) and mom does everything else, including part of his job - not the actual doctorring, but, he ouht to have paid a secretary for everything she’d do. He’d monopolize her for hours to talk job. We had only one parent, except when he came home, then we had zero parents. 

Finances, Parenting, Housekeeping, her own job... all this was done by mom. Lazy bastard never lift a finger, and everyone thinks he’s such a hard worker. He sure does he’d never shut up. 

So, my mom’s sister got struck with horrible disease, going from a hard working single mother to complete invalid in a matter of months. Terrible injustice, because she was a really good person. So, at the same time, the financial crisis hits spain - no jobs or future for her daughters. no help from their father cause he was a serial deadbeat. So, what my mom did was, reevacuate them all to Germany. They have their own place now, one of my cousins is now a nurse & earning her own cash for the family, but, at first, his meant having four extra people living in our house one of which was running up huge medical bills, two girls, my aunt and my grandma, all eating, showering, needing everyday commodities... 

My mom says in hindsight she should have taken a loan but what she ended up doing, perhaps carelessly, was give false numbers on her tax returns. To feed & care for her sick sister and unemployed family members/ now functionally parentless nieces, get the good education and stuff. 

She blames herself a lot more than I blame her; It was kind of a “chaotic good” act IMHO, if there’s a price there’s a price I see they can’t have everybody not paying taxes, but, she did it to FEED HER FAMILY, like, people are more important than money. I believe she was justified there (or I guess that’s my chaotic neutral showing). 

But - She was beating herself up over this & possibly risking the house loans & getting her husband into trouble - it was his money after all, police came & pretty much raided their house for the money, it’s a wealthy Doctor so they think he pocketed the cash for simple ol’ greed and blew it on gold chains or cocaine or something. Nope. He had no clue. (does he ever? He doesn’t know basic shit about any of us.) 

That alone didn’t do it - Instead, I suspect he rather enjoyed his favorite game of playing martyr and my mom, having a conscience, was gonna take full responsibility and accept jail. 

But here’s the kicker: They didn’t buy it. No one would believe that he wasn’t in on it, that he didn’t know what he was doing with his own money. They thought he was blaming his wife to save himself. That he pushed everything onto his wife to the point that he has no clue about his own finances seemed so silly they didn’t buy it. Like many times when I complained about him, his level of jerkass was believed to be too ridiculous to be true - It seemed more likely to them that my mom was simply taking one for the team. Personable, humbly pudgy lady, hardhearted slimey smartass who get lawsuits for being callous to patients before? Who’d you suspect of tax fraud? All the times I heard “Well he’s a doctor and you’re just a crazy little girl” turned upon their head. 

Irony is he’d never do it. And I say that as someone who hates his guts. Same reason he’ll brag about how women dig him and the children he makes but would never actually cheat - He’s too in love with the idea of his own rightheousness. He’s too proud. It’s what his ego is built on. In contrast to his wife, he’s all about them rules wether they’re moral or not. 

And, this is my suspicion because I didn’t wanna pry here, but, I guess he acted like not dumping her over this meant she’d sold him her soul, the usual “ingrate” shtick he pulls whenever he’s displeased- He must have said something outrageous and kellyanne conway levels of reality-bending - 

And mom flipped. At least, she says things happened to make her spill things she’d held back long. I’m not sure if she said this or if he arrived at this on its own, but, he seemed to arrive at the conclusion that this would not have happened if he hadn’t pushed everything onto his wife & actually been there for her. 

As my mom puts it, lots of stuff came together - an ex-co worker conspiring to run out of an old job, me not talking to him, the tax problem... and he couldn’t find a rationalization other than “You’re an animal and there’s a point to what everyone is saying”, and perhaps for the first time, he saw reality. She says it got through to him what he did not me, and by extension what he did wrong with everyone else.  Apparently, things have been rather different since that day.

He’s actually staying out of my way. I don’t have to worry about him inviting himself to my wedding. He’ll be working at the new job he took to collect the money he owes the ministry of finance, but isn’t insisting that my family comes along. So often, he dragged us across the country for his career & took us all away from our friends, but it seems that this time, my sisters get to keep their friends & mom gets to get the new job where she holds a leading position & is well respected. She even said he’d understand if he’s missed that particular train for good. 

Also when little Jana came to visit him, he seemed to actually spend time with her & organize a great & eventful holliday for her. 

  At least, that’s what my mom says. I’m so use to his fake promises of change, his false remorse, and his flashy gestures of ingratiating behavior - How would anyone ever know the difference for sure?

Especially the vacation for the child, he’d dne things like that before (regardless of wether the children actually enjoyed what he’d planned for them), flashy gestures to prove his “goodness”. flimsy words that “everything will be different”. 

I just don’t want to engage with it personally. 

But you know what makes me believe something changed? Because the person telling me this was my mom, speaking in her own voice - It’s not the dictated Voice Of God(TM), his majesty demanding that everyone accept his version of reality or accept the label of a selfish terrible person. 

It’s her own perspective that I’d sometimes hear when she was angry, a perspective that’s more optimistic than mine & wants to see the good in people; She doesn’t agree with me on everything, she still thinks his deeds were the product of ineptitude rather than malice, entitlement and objectification, but, it’s not like I need her to agree with me. 

The difference is still startling. That wasn’t his Paradigm or what I had experienced so far at all, looking at me leaving as a selfih capriciousthing I did to hurt them or he helping my fuckup self out and i better be grateful. 

She told me instead to convey her utmost thanks to the therapist lady and that moving out was one of the best things that ever happened (!!!), that this was super strong, mature & unexpected of me(aparently she and grandma had written me off as the family spinster and liable to set myself on fire besides XD ...Fair enough, actually, there were quite some misadventures ^^°) That she thought I even looked different since then when my facial muscles weren’t all contorted in anger & more of a glow  beingthere (which she attributed largely to my fiancé so far - and sure, he helped. I cannot stress the awesome enough.)

There was a total aknowledgement that I didn’t owe him shit and that the shit of the past justifies my not talking to him, no pressure, no judgement, no hope or expectation that we would ever get along, just - there were more gushy positive things that I can remember right now. I don’t wanna toot my own horn, it’s just what happened. 

And I’m not sure what to do about/with it. 

What now

It’s a strange feeling and I’m still processing it. I’m only now writing  post though I’ve known about it for a few days. I’ve just been doing things, talking to peeps etc....

In true 5 fashion I couldn’t interact with my BF after that and took a long nighttime walk for cooling/processing (I talked to him right after that tho)

It might seem callous - but, I’m unable to feel anything other than callousness towards this person, because else I could not have survived his constant guilt tripping. The dude just activates my eight, if you pardon the typology speak. 

All I feel is “Serves you right.” Serves you right for being two-faced, bit ya in the ass didn’t it?

Because, he spent all this time convincing the world he was this perfect person, and now they all believed him, and there’s no way Mr. Perfect don’t do his own taxes. 

I understand that it is objectively wrong for someone to be convicted of something he didn’t do. Maybe this is a childish idea of vindictiveness or justice, but, at its heart, that’s not what it’s about. It’s just that in a way it’s a validation of my reality and that I wasn’t making him up, things I kept saying... “If you don’t wanna leave him, then let him do his own laundry for a few weeks” 

It’s that it was for years like everyone thought he was perfect and I was the only one who could see his filthy side and now it’s out in the open. I hit him back. I made him understand. I got him to ignore me back/ leave me in peace. I helped my family be treated better - as a child, I had a hard time accepting that I couldn’t do that, that it wasn’t my place and that the last thing my mom needs is someone else asking her to pick sides or telling her what to do. It was a hard, humbling maturation process with ongoing slipups there to, like, detach, and leave it t me siblings & mom what was their business & none of mine and respect their choices. 

I stopped caring about the other things, too, at least, when I left. I didn’t want or expect him to ever aknowledge my world, my perception or feelings. It’s kind of some of the things I wanted once but didn’t want to want anymore and even if I did, it’s all burned & charred and I’ll never be able to show that person the trust necessary for an intimate relation, not after all the lies, fake apologies that couldn’t be bought without accepting that he was right bout everything after all, and all the emotional expressions so far being used as tools to hurt & control me. I still have nothing in common with him nor any reason.

After the conversation, I felt... purged, the awknowledgement that I somehow do have power, but at the other hand, this doesn’t really change anything for me. 

If he changes - great for him. Great for the family members still attached to him. But I don’t care about HIM, I have to care about me because he never did and nothing changed for me. 

The scary shadow that’s embedded itself in my consciousness so much I still hear it after 2 years of avoiding the man (half of which has been spent happily engaged) may no longer have any sort of physical counterpart in reality. 

So what does that mean for me? theres not a real enemy to push against. or there may or may not be it shouldn’t depend on tht. its not like i believe or need to believe in automatic karma

All in all, I have a feeling like World War II just ended and the Americans just arrived. On the one hand the bad guy were punished... not perfectly, but enough, hard enough to make them look pitiful, I’ve survived, but everything is still in ruins and irretriavably decimated. 

I never want to say never because I aknowledge that it is always possible for me to learn - I thought it was unlikely I’d ever get married and even less to a man, but I said it might be possible, and now ive come across this situation and this person where it makes perfect sense and is totally worth it. If I had said “cia, doesn’t fit my profile” the moment he suggested it, I would have missed this. 

Then again, I also hold that conflating  0% sure and 99% sure is one of the great errors of humanity - there is such a thing like reasonable doubt but that does not mean knowing nothing. Knowing almost everything is not knowing nothing. its just a fact of how our universe works sometimes - what is the position & impulse of an electron at any given moment? Can’t say, it’s uncertain to a measurable degree. 

We can’t disprove that there isn’t a big pink sucker on the backside of pluto but we have no reason to suppose it either.

And at that level of certainty,have to say  I would be unable to forgive the man or even feel anything other than hatred toward him if he wore the crown of thorns

I can’t ever trust him & emotionally reveal myself to him, too often has he twisted my words. It’s not about being obsessed with him either - there’s 7 billion peeps on this planet he’s welcome to make friends with im just not one of them. I’m generally not friends with people just for the heck of it. 

I mean, I get it. Mom says she may have been too hesitant to let me go, the counselling lady said something in that direction, I might be biased as her daughter, but, actually, I think she was right in her estimate/ justified in that reluctance, like, I get it, I’m a vaguely shizoid hyperdweeb and peopling is hard for me. Even if this high grade quality snowflake relationship there’s work - as hthere always seems to be, realistically - and don’t have this natural sense for what people expect. 

But though I reserve the right to declare this some premature epiphyny just in case and for personal effort, I’m... and a spent a while debating & deliberately decising the word choice here.... beginning to dare think that I might be able to like, handle that & make peace with it like I’ve made peace with my inner unapologetic  snowflakey emo child back in my teens. 

[chychy0825]

entry 1, sept.14

basically there a girl that i love very, very much and i don’t have anyone to rant to about her so i made a tumblr blog

so, the beginning.

in eighth grade, i move to korea, where my parents grew up. i grew up all around america and at this point i knew almost nothing about korea. i start as a second year in middle school, when all friendships are already established.

(quick background info, in korean middle schools, we dont have separate classes, we always stay in our homeroom and sometimes as a class, switch to other classrooms for special occasions, ie the science lab, library, but we don’t change classes so your’e stuck with your homeroom classmates for a year)

at this point in life i’m a huge weeb, socially awkward and i didn’t know if korean kids liked the same stuff as i did, and it made me so, so scared and anxious. and then i meet this girl. we are kinda forced to sit together when we move classrooms for english and the teacher doesn’t assign seats, since everyone else already has a friend/partner to sit with. since its like the second day of the new year and our first eng class (in korea, schedules differ every day since we have more subjects) , the teacher gives us a free period as long as we stayed in the classroom. the girl next to me starts doodling and whatdya know, shes drawing touka from tokyo ghoul (also at this point in life, i was a huge, huge tokyo ghoul fan) and also being an artist, i knew how anxious it was when someone stared at you drawing, but i was so desperate to be friends with her. so i start this huge debate of whether or not i should ask her if she knows tokyo ghoul. btw, im the most introverted introvert ever, and i never initiate conversations first.

but this one time, i did.

and it has been one of the best decisions that i made in my life.

she said yes, it was tokyo ghoul, and it turns out she’s also an artist, she also likes anime, she gets western humor/memes/culture since she had also grown up in canada for a short period of time. she has the exact same taste in music, books, manga, animals, art and so on.

we click together immediately.

until, then, i used to be more of an emotionally distant person, even with my friends. it might have been the byproduct of moving around a lot. when i made friends, there was this line i wouldn’t cross with them. friends i made in school, stayed in school; they weren’t a part of my personal life. they were there for me to have fun with at lunch breaks, maybe whisper to each other during a boring class, but not for an emotional, deeper bond.

but this time it was so much more.

within one year of knowing her, she manages to make me forget about the line i had always kept when it came to friends. i let her overstep into my personal life, into my very being. i got so emotionally attached. she’s also the first friend that i was able to feel comfortable with when it came to physical contact.

(little more background info, korean girls tend to be more touchy with platonic friends than western girls. holding hands, walking arm in arm is common) (yeah that means i nearly had a heart attack when she casually grabbed my hand as a platonic gesture)

fast forward to the winter break of eight grade.

at this point in life, i was fairly sure i was het, with high standards. i had never had a crush on a guy other than like, “celebrity crushes” (which was actually the incorrect term, i was more attracted to their aesthetic that the actual person in a romantic way) and mostly i assumed it was because there weren’t many decent guys in my life (also worth mentioning that the middle school i went to was an all-girls christian middle school). but until then, i kind of didn’t know being lgbt was a thing (despite growing up near sf, my parents (remember, they were raised in korea and in christian families) never let me get exposed to the lgbt community (but not in a homophobic way, it was new to them as well and they hadn’t understood it perfectly at the time). also at this point in life, i start to use the internet for more than googling. i start going on tumblr, twitter etc., reading blogs and posts from people around the world, and got educated on social issues, feminism, politics, and the modern perceptions of gender and sexuality.

and that opens up an entirely new world.

so the whole “wow i might not be het” incident occurs at school, actually. my friend casually mentions that she’s bi, she doesn’t care about the gender of the person she would love.

and that made me go, hey, maybe me too?

and then, wait, do i like her?

and then i proceeded to put those feelings on hold, because now, it’s the end of the school year, there’s spring break and we’re both busy so we didn’t see each other much and i kind of forgot the whole thing.

fast forward and the new school year begins. we ended up in different classes, but we still spent lunch breaks together, still hung out a lot. i did make friends in my new class, but still kept the line drawn, and kept them as “school friends.” but she made new friends, too. and honestly, they’re cool people, i actually became friends with them, too. but it was kind of bugging me that she spent more time with them, since they were in the same class. and i realized i was jealous.

and that realization hit me like, what the fuck?

and then i remembered, oh yeah, i kind of liked her.

you know the super cliche saying where it’s like you don’t know how much you really love someone until they’re gone? this was exactly that.

so i came to the dramatic realization that i was “bi” (spoiler alert, i’m not) and that i liked my best friend. but ok, that’s cool and all, it’s a crush.

but then, just as she always has, she proved me wrong.

on my birthday, i slept over at her house. we celebrated with just the two of us, without other friends. we had cake, watched some bbc sherlock, did a little gaming, etc., then she gave me my present. she actually gave me a lot of presents, like until then all my birthday presents were like One Cool Thing From Target But Giftwrapped, but she literally gave me a heck ton of really thoughtful gifts. the most memorable one was a branch(stalk? idk) of cotton, and said she wanted to get me dried hydrangeas but they were too expensive. i asked her why dried, she said because then, they wouldn’t wilt.  like ok, that’s really cool and thoughtful of her. then she gave me a letter and told me to open it when i got home, since if i read it in front of her she would be embarrassed.

and i went what the actual fuck???? so while she was washing and getting ready for bed, i opened the letter.

and oh my fucking god.

it was actually the first “genuine” letter that i had gotten in my life (excluding the ones from my parents). basically, (i’m paraphrasing and translating) what it said was “i don’t know what you think about me, but i’m trying to take care of you well and i treasure you greatly, thank you for being born.” which kinda. yeets my heart out of my mouth. she had also written a japanese poem on the letter but like in japanese. and i had no fucking clue how to read it, who wrote it, or what it was about. i went home later and i tried to figure out the poem, but google translate and my limited japanese kanji weren’t really helping. so i reached out for help from one of my american friends (who was half japanese). she couldn’t figure out who the poem was by, or where it was from, but she was able to give me a rough english translation (unfortunately, she said she wasn’t very good at jap, so she couldn’t convey the poetic-ness of it) so i then searched for the korean translation of the poem using the rough english translation.

and finally, finally, i found it.

it was part of the short story/poem “Osan” (おさん, 1947_) _by Dazai Osamu (an inside joke kind of, since we were both into bungo stray dogs at the time)

(i actually couldn’t find the official translation since it’s not a very well known work of his and googling anything with dazai’s name on it only gets me anime dazai jashdkahdkahd)

so here, a rough translation by me:

“I’m trying to cherish you

Shield you from the wind, and take care of you.

You, you are a great person.

Do not focus on mundande things, have self-confidence and stay calm.

I am always only filled with thoughts about you.

About which, you can have sky-high pride in.”

_ _

and i couldn’t figure out if she meant it in a platonic way or not (the japanese friend who translated it for me said it sounded like a love confession)

but at this point i realized that i might actually have fallen in love with her?

so that’s part one, the beginning.

(i’ll continue after exams are over and i have more energy and will to live in general)