#so many questions and theories on how they function

[rei-ismyname]

Xavier's Walk of Shame

Xavier, the ungrateful bitch, wakes up in an unfamiliar place feeling like shit. Callisto greets him, and in between ill-tempered complaints, she explains that she saved his life after he was robbed and beaten. She even gave up her bed so he could rest up, but for some reason he's hyper focused on how she dressed him.

Callisto correctly thinks it's an improvement, though it's not like she wanted to give her clothes to this misanthrope. After hearing the sacrifices made to save his life, Chuck croaks out some begrudged gratitude then puts on his anthropology hat. Marvelling at the size of the Morlock tunnels, he pays little attention to the fact that he's not loved down here.

Callisto doesn't exactly trust Xavier and refuses to tell him how many Morlocks there are, but freely admits that Storm is the leader. Chuck's rhetoric and outreach skills are as polished as ever, insisting that the Morlocks can't hide forever. Honestly, he's lucky to not get stabbed for that, as a wealthy hidden mutant living in a fucking mansion. My read is that he can't imagine anyone not wanting to be accepted by human society, especially not to the point of making their own.

Their back and forth is interrupted by the news that a Morlock's kids were shot dead. Callisto angrily points to her promise to Ororo, but swears that only goes so far. Xavier has jack shit to say to that. To be fair, he's not at his best but it's not like he just found out about The Morlocks. He has virtually infinite resources and there's more than one way to collaborate on/assist with a better life. Food, medicine, clothes, hygiene products, etc are basics he could provide, let alone the insane technology at his disposal. Even if any of this did stick with him, he ran his body ragged and had to spend years in Shi'Ar space recuperating. It's unclear how much control X-Men have over finances, but they have other resources and are just as aware of the Morlocks' existence. His focus on 'hiding' 'down here' with an uncertain 'future' feels evangelistic yet ignorant of material conditions.

Anyway, she drops him home on that somehow functioning train and they waltz into the mansion together. The X-Men present are surely thinking that Chuck had a wild one and banged Callisto. His vague silence on the matter as he tries to maintain his dignity does nothing but reinforce suspicions. Everyone remembers him telling Sam off for dressing like a punk and they have a good laugh. He never really got a chance to clear this up and Chuck/Callisto have had several periods of closeness. I think the X-Men believe the two are exes or something. No shame there, it's just funny.

I've always felt that The Morlocks are a missed opportunity. They're very much the anti X-Men in every way. Attractive/ugly, rich/poor, integrationist/secessionist, heroic/antisocial. I suppose the last one is the kicker, as they're not a hero team and they're given super unsympathetic practices like spouse kidnapping and fights to the death. All the dichotomies count against them getting focus, except when they're being massacred. I daresay they were invented without considering exactly how their culture and survival works. Several hundred people need a LOT of food and space, they shit a lot etc. Having a magic healer solves some of the problems of living in a sewer but definitely not all. Besides, Healer is not immortal or even especially healthy himself.

I give points to the Hivemind for recognising the cultural overlap with Arakki society and putting it to page. They even organise as part of the NYX political coalition but sadly that book got cancelled. The traditional Morlock position undercuts a lot of X-Men means and ends, likewise Magneto's solidarity and emancipation mission. I wonder if The Morlocks show up in Xavier's The Dawn of Homo Superior. We haven't seen much theory in-universe but I think 'what about The Morlocks?' should be a question for any political process. Alex Summers' 'M word' speech explicitly throws them under the bus, for example. Further, the good/evil divide of the early days is superceded by class politics. In a chicken/egg scenario - do they choose to live in a sewer because they're outcasts or are they outcasts because they live in a sewer? Realistically neither, but Xavier doesn't have the frame of reference to unpack that.

Ironically, many Morlocks rejected Krakoa but opted for accepting its bounty to live in a gated community in Arizona. They're not a homogeneous group, but the suggestion that of course they secretly desire upper middle class country club life is a little odious. Maybe it was a reason to avoid expanding on Morlock culture, though the era did check in on various Morlocks here and there. They haven't forgotten the Mutant Massacre or John Greycrow's role in it, and how could they be expected to with its architect sitting on the ruling council? Even in paradise they get shit on. Although, NYX left them in an interesting place - hopefully someone picks that thread up again.

[musurvivalistguide]

Oh yeah, I vaguely remember reading that in the books before now that you mention it! I also remember there was a young ash bear that the Toa Metru healed, and if memory serves, the bear was considered young. From what I read though, even if they appeared "grown" (aka not kitten or cub sized like we know it...we never really get an idea of how big they are when first created en mass), they were still smaller than the true adults of the species. It would make sense that one or more would take on the role or behavior of a parent teaching the young how to survive!

Now that I think about it, the fact that rahi pack bond with one another just like Whenua pack bonded with Pewku really does feel more like a hordika thing. At least if we go by the behavior you mentioned! Sure, Toa and Matoran and perhaps even Turaga may sometimes work together with other species, but generally speaking, they feel less inclined to seek companionship outside their group/if they were hired for a particular job...at least, so far as we know from what's been written.

I have to wonder now though: since the Toa Hagah became Rahaga, did it allow them to reach a better understanding of rahi than others because they hid and formed a connection similar to how the hordika pack bonded? In that case, would it be subconscious instinct built into their programming, or would it be a learned instinct/habit that they learned over time versus the hordika's instinct?

So because I'm still working on refreshing my memory on things in the Bionicle fandom, looking through the reference books is quite the treasure trove of little nuggets.

In Bionicle World, a book written to seem like Helryx is writing it based on information collected by OoMN agents, I happened to notice something in the Metru Nui chapter.

Now, according to the wiki, it's not unheard of for the characters in Bionicle to use family terms such as brother and sister. But for a species that can't reproduce, I find it interesting that this term pops up--from Helryx nonetheless!--as though they know what parents or mothers or fathers are.

This makes me wonder if--since she's the first Toa that was made--she might have learned about these terms from the Great Beings? After all, even when there's fighting going on all around them while the planet is getting ready to shatter, I'd find it hard to imagine that she hadn't noticed any Agori or Glatorian children running around or hiding (protective Toa instincts activating and the Great Beings having to stop her from rushing off to save them? 😂). Perhaps even one of the Great Beings we've heard nothing about had a kid of their own and had to do what they could to keep them safe from the fight by bringing them along!

I certainly have memories of when I'd go to work with my parents, so it's not hard to imagine this happening. But if Helryx understands this concept and the family terms are in their programming...would everyone else in the Matoran Universe have any comparison to understand what paternal means, or would they attribute it similarly to how Turaga (specifically the Mata Nui Turaga since we know them best) would treat and protect their villagers?

Would Toa develop a similar role/pattern of behavior as their Turaga, and it's like the Matoran have two sets of parental figures? Or would it be a clash of "Toa, can I do this?" "Ask the Turaga." "Turaga, can I-" "No." ?

And would Makuta refer to themselves as the mother/father of the krataa they create from their bodies, or would they refer to themselves as their creator? Considering that Teridax literally calls his krataa/rahkshi his "sons", it feels like a term he'd just throw around even though he literally commanded a horde of them to die to Sentrakh in Time Trap. >.>

I dunno, it's late, and my brain is getting tired 😂 Would love to hear a second opinion or two, though!

[ganondoodle]

(idk if anyone wants to keep hearing my opinions on totk book stuff but-)

apparently it says that rauru DID have kids, multiple even, which yeah... is kinda necessary for zelda to even be connected to them so much so that sonia can SENSE a blood connection (which, even with all the excuses with magic, is just a little too far for me to suspend my disbelief bc its over, OVER, ten thousand years worth of generations that seperate her from them that one lil touch of the hand can sense that (feels more like an attempt to make you care about them or .. see them as zeldas "better" parents just bc they exchange a few nice words, i never got the feeling they were 'better' parents and its also kinda disrespectful to her actual parents, like sure rhoam wasnt the best but i wouldnt call rauru better just bc he was polite)- i could see maybe the light power of hylia or sth but since its the coolest dude that ever lived rauru now that had it which still doesnt make sense and makes me unreasonably annoyed and she can sense BOTH of their powers in her? nah) the fact theres NOTHING about them in the game itself is just so ... no way they planned any of this

i dont think theres anything they can do or say that wont make be believe they either

are making it up alla 'fix it in post' mentality trying to hastily explain stuff the game never bothers to do to try and appease fans or let it appear as if they thought about it at all

something went really REALLY wrong during development, which kinda seems likely given how the game turned out (im sorry i cannot let go, its not just the writing, the game design too and how little was changed in the map while being so damn expensive, i dont know how people dont feel scammed q_q)

given that they (allegedly) spent the last entire year of development on polish (where??? where????? huh??? like it would make it more understandable (EXCEPT for the price) if there was alot of trouble, which was also bc it got delayed and ... turned out like this, but they dont want to say it, especially given their reputation, with that quote i have heard way too many times 'a delayed game blah blah') i just??

are they just gonna go and do it like they did with kashiwa (kass)? "they uuuh where flying around the whole time ony cool sonau tech maschines, you just dont see or hear from them ooooorrr they were uuuuh out of the country at the time" (sending invitations to other continents to join their glorious kingdom ;) )

(bet they are also gonna say they did all the stuff like ... moving the shrines around (lol?) and lifting the islands up into the sky- which is still weird bc ... didnt they also say they were living in the sky before coming to the surface?? so where?? did they park all their islands on the surface and the mystery kids had the keys so they had to repark them back into the sky after they returned off camera?? xD also why are the islands so different as an environment if they where from the surface? like even the STONE up there is different- and if they were first in the sky then on the surface and the nback in the sky .. why is there not a single yellow tree or grass in the past- you cant really argue that it changed bc they were up there so long bc .. nothing else changed, the suddendly and totally always there sonau buildings are largely in prime condition, only some slightly moldy, and what we see of the glorious past looks barely any different from the present, aside from like ... some standard trees shuffled, no castle yet and that glowy uwu filter DESPITE that stupidly long time frame between it)

[beachboysnatural]

je ne regrette rien x house of cards instrumental is my roman empire

[catboybiologist]

I see you talk a lot about hrt and you seem pretty informed. I also see that you have had really good effects from hrt.

So what I wonder is how much you think it is luck and genetics vs you making the right choices. I can't help but be jealous sometimes. I've had rotten luck and ok genetics it seems.

What's your take on this? Do you think you've been lucky or do you think everyone can do it like you have if they just did it the same way?

So whenever I answer an ask like this, I end up getting spammed with a ton of hrt related questions, and it gets a bit exhausting. So here's my usual disclaimer: I'm not a doctor, nor any kind of medical professional. I'm not an expert on this. I have a little more knowledge about the theory behind hrt than the average person, but not the medical practice. I'm just giving my experiences here.

So I couldn't say for sure, but I think the answer is both? I can't say how much luck is a component, but that said, I think that there's a lot that helped me out just from the troubleshooting end.

This answer ended up being long, so here's a tl;dr:

Be liberal on your estrogen, conservative on your antiandrogen. Eat a lot, exercise a lot.

Huge ramble under the cut.

It's hard to say that I looked feminine pre HRT. I had (and still somewhat have) all of the "ultra masculine" skeletal features that make people think their transition is going to go poorly, but the soft tissue changes have reframed how they look and function. I used to think that I would never come close to looking feminine without super intense FFS, and that feeling is almost completely gone now. So I didn't feel particularly lucky going into any of this. Now I do, and I'm finally actually relaxing how good hrt has been to me.

I did several things that I think accelerated my hrt. Unfortunately, I can't have a control group here. I also operated over a short period of time, during a period where hrt has a variety of effects. I have no way to tell for sure if these things did anything, or if it's all just masked by standard hrt progress, which comes and goes in bursts.

Also note: I don't think anything has dramatically affected my "final" results. I think there's a lot of things that have accelerated my results. But with ongoing, years long processes like HRT, the biggest, key ingredient is PATIENCE. I keep seeing 2 years thrown around like it's the end of hrt progress. This is, quite frankly, ridiculous. 2 years is startup and troubleshooting time. Whatever development happens in the first two years is a bonus, not a normal timeline.

So never, ever feel like you've fucked up your transition for good. You can always tweak it. And, you can always wait.

That all said, here's the bulleted list of the things that I think contributed:

Intensely focusing on getting my blood estrogen high. Stop thinking about dosages, start thinking about levels. From anecdotes I've seen, most doctors will underdose your estradiol. You should be shooting for 200pg/mL minimum. Many doctors will use this as a maximum. That is outdated information. Your estrogen should be on the high side of cis women ranges. If you're lost, use cis women metrics as a guide, or the WPATH. Personally, I've been blessed with a fantastic provider that I've never had to push back to or argue with, but I've heard some nasty horror stories.

Note that achieving the level I said above is often difficult with pills. Pills do have a maximum safe dosage because of liver metabolism. This will vary from person to person. But if you're getting past 8mg oral per day, consider switching to injections, patches, or gels. These methods bypass digestion and (somewhat) dodge the liver, making it easier to safely get higher blood levels. Even if you try to take them sublingually, a lot still ends up consumed orally.

HRT methods that allow for large differences between estrogen highs and lows seem to be more effective than steady state HRT. This is completely shooting in the dark here, but from my vague anecdotes from comparing injections with peaks and troughs to more steady (but still lover bypassing) methods, it still seems like injections are somewhat more effective. That is not a scientific assessment at all. But that's the only explanation I could think of that matches a little bit of what's known about hormonal physiology

With everything above: if possible, drop your antiandrogen ASAP. A pattern I've seen over, and over, and over again, is trans women being overdosed on antiandrogens while simultaneously being underdosed on estradiol itself. Remember: sufficiently high levels of blood estrogen are antiandrogenic on their own. If you need a AA to keep your T or other androgens low, your E is likely too low anyways. There's multiple reasons why having too much androgen suppression without raising estradiol is bad, but for a whirlwind summary, there's two things I would break it down to. One, having too low of both T and E is really bad, and is basically one of the only ways you can do HRT "wrong" in a way that's medically harmful (the other being stressing your liver). It has effects both short term (mood, metabolism, and energy) and long term (bone density and general growth). Also keep in mind that cis women have androgens too- and you need to make sure you're not over suppressing androgens to below cis female levels. Two, antiandrogens are rarely just an antiandrogen. As opposed to hormones themselves, which are found in your body anyways and are "understood" signals for your genes (among other things), antiandrogens are operating based on how we develop their effects as pharmaceuticals. Does this mean they're intrinsically bad? No. Don't fall into a "natural is better" fallacy. However, it's worth noting that AAs can have effects beyond just androgen suppression because they're not an endogenous signalling molecule. One of these effects might be overall suppression of growth and development. That is wildly unconfirmed, I know transfemmescience disagrees and has a pretty thorough breakdown, but unfortunately there's too much variability in individual trans women's HRT regimens to have consistent studies on fine details like that imo. Again, this is my opinion as a patient, not as an expert.

Don't start progesterone too early. I'd say delay it more than the general advice. 6 months after good blood levels is probably good. Notably, it's probably not a good idea to start it 6 months after the first pill crosses your tongue. Wait for the levels. Probably not that big of a deal though.

This last one I'm incredibly reluctant to even talk about, but I've been coming to the conclusion more and more that it was a fairly major factor in my progress. I didn't do it intentionally but it 100% happened. And that is weight cycling. From January to August of 2024, I dropped almost 30 pounds from training for backpacking and actually doing rigorous backpacking for 3 months. I've gained back all of that weight since. Most of my notable soft tissue and appearance changes have happened as a function of putting that weight back on. This isn't just about chest or thigh growth. My face was thin at my lowest weight, and when I put weight back on, soft tissue in my face has grown back in with a far more feminine look. I do NOT like talking about this, though. Why? Because I think deliberately weight cycling is more dangerous and hurtful than it is helpful. Diet culture, counting calories, and constantly comparing your weight and progress to others is an easy way to an easier disorder. If you develop habits centered around those things, that will fuck up your life permanently. What would I recommend instead? High input, high output. Eat a LOT, exercise a LOT. Get into a steady state with that. It's much healthier long term. Remember, at best, weight cycling is an acceleration, not working towards better "permanent" results.

And uh, I think that's it? Again, keep in mind that the main ingredient is patience. All of this is about making things faster, not making things better in the long run. If any of this seems unattainable for you, then don't worry! All you gotta do is wait.

And again, not medical advice, not scientific rigor, just anecdotes and what worked for me.

I don't have a better way to end this other than good luck? And also that you're probably being too hard on yourself anyways.

[transmutationisms]

i understand no mental illnesses have been tied to any gene, but my understanding was that there is some evidence on heritability in some cases i.e. for ADHD “many genetic…risks…have a small effect” (doi:10.1016/j.neubiorev.2021.01.022); how are we to understand such findings through a antipsych lens?

okay I just want to be clear because I think a lot of you have a fundamental misunderstanding of what people mean when we self id as 'antipsych.' it's not that 'antipsych' is some sort of pie-in-the-sky theory that I pre-committed to and now have to reconcile with the medical literature—it's more like, I grew up as a very I Fucking Love Science Dot Com child, got interested in psychology among other things, started reading both popular and medical literature about it, started to notice that the things I was reading about psychology and mental diseases didn't really line up with the things I and people I knew experienced and heard when actually interacting with doctors and psychologists, and finally and only around about the age of 19 did I become aware that 'antipsych' is in fact a legitimate position that other people had come up with before me, and at that point I started to read things that you might be referring to here as being written 'through an antipsych lens.'

so, when I hear a question like this, ie one that presumes there is some contradiction between anti-psychiatric political commitments and the existing psychiatric literature, it suggests to me that you haven't really read the literature in question—where by 'read' I mean you need to actually look at the paper's methodology, and look at the process of knowledge-making that yields a sentence like "ADHD has genetic etiology." that's an empirical claim. evaluating whether it's true necessarily involves asking what evidence the person making the claim is offering. there are specific skills and strategies for doing this when you are a layperson dealing with specialised scientific literature; there is also a fundamental critical attitude you should adopt with regards to literally any claim, argument, discourse, article, etc.

it is always a good thing to recognise when you're in over your head and need help or further reading to understand a statistical method, piece of jargon, etc. but you do kind of have to, like, approach the issue with a fundamental attitude that just because someone said something in a scientific journal doesn't make it beyond reproach! read the claims, read the evidence, ask yourself if it makes sense. this isn't some rhetorical game of "I'm going to prove antipsych right"—the 'antipsych' is the loose umbrella term you are called when you actually read the psychiatric literature and critique the discipline's fundamental epistemological failures and disciplinary raison d'être. the horse draws the cart!

wrt 'genetic causes of psychiatric diseases' you also need to understand that many of you are tilting at windmills. I've never said genes don't have an effect on our affective and emotional lives. plainly, they do. this is not the same as "there is a distinct specific Pathology expressed in these genes; they are diseased and/or defective and this is why you feel miserable / cannot function / cannot go to work." like, we see these are two different statements, yes? if all we mean by ADHD is "a list of general behavioural dispositions" then yeah, of course those have genetic influences in addition to environmental ones. everything about us does. that does not mean that ADHD, the distinct and discrete clinical entity that psychiatrists presume exists (on the grounds of their patients having xyz problems), is indeed a 'genetic condition' or instantiates as a genetic mutation / malformation / differential expression / etc. this paragraph is foreshadowing.

having looked at the genetics section of this particular study for about 20 minutes (open-access here if you don't feel like searching by DOI), here are some things that immediately caught my attention:

this is just a meta-analysis of ADHD research. its claims are only as good as the underlying studies. a meta-analysis of shitty studies that had bad methodology will not 'even out' their respective badness, it will just produce a shitty meta-analysis that is intrinsically hampered by the bad underlying methodology. I've discussed this here.

the very first assertion under the genetics section cites three twin studies; I followed those links. first of all, these are written for other scientists, so they don't make a particularly clear (to lay people) distinction between the scientific notion of 'heritability' and what this term is typically interpreted to mean in popular discourses. so, to be clear, 'heritability' is an estimate of how much a given trait is caused by genetic factors at a population level. it does not tell you anything about how much an individual's expression of that trait is genetically caused, nor does heritability necessarily indicate the genetic cause is direct or dependent on one (or even a small number of) genes.

indeed, all three of these studies, and the overarching meta-analysis, assert that this genetic etiology is due to a very large number of very small genetic influences. this is not inherently scientifically unsound, but it does raise my eyebrows. how would we distinguish between a distinct pathology that is caused by a huge tangle of very low-impact genes, vs a whole bunch of behaviours that are socially stigmatised and grouped together on political grounds, and that also have some relationship to genetics, as does literally every physiological fact of human existence?

these cite twin studies, meaning basically they try to use comparisons between genetically identical twins and various other familial relationships to determine how much of a given characteristic is genetically caused. again, though, this is essentially boiling down to the observation that closely genetically related people have similar personality traits; also, twin studies in general have serious methodological problems with profound implications for the invocation of genetics in psychiatry.

in fact, the meta-analysis here also claims that ADHD can sometimes be due to "rare single gene defects" or chromosomal abnormalities. the study cited on the gene claim, for example, is also cited in the claim above, so I've already looked at it. the methodology here is to look at prevalence of ADHD among populations with certain known genetic conditions—that's it. now can we think of any other reasons why people diagnosed with one thing might also be diagnosed with another? for example, they're already in contact with the medical system. they have enough financial resources to seek diagnoses. symptoms of chronic pain & illness often manifest with attention disturbances. etc.

even if that were better founded, the claim they're making themselves here is that ADHD in fact has numerous genetic causes, all manifesting as the same behaviours and psychological disturbances. it's almost like those manifestations are not a single distinct pathology, but a group of 'signs' the clinician lumps together into a single diagnostic box regardless of whence they arise. hold that thought.

incidentally, that study also notes that initial heritability estimates for ADHD were much lower than what's cited now, and blames this on inaccurate self-assessment results, claiming the more recent studies using parent and teacher assessments of ADHD children are more accurate. of course, the actual diagnostic measure never became less 'subjective.' it's just that we trust it more if it's a parent reporting that their kids are all super ADHD than if it's the kid actually reporting their own experiences. because there certainly aren't any historical reasons why parents have felt the need to cling to the notion of a neurobiological, genetically determined distinct ADHD pathology!

similarly, numerous of these linked studies say that 'sub-threshold ADHD' (read: the behaviours considered to be ADHD symptoms, but at lower severity than clinicians have considered diagnosable) show the same genetic causal links—heritability. now that's also curious, no? almost like ADHD is not a discrete distinct genetically caused pathology, but a bunch of traits and behaviours that, like literally every human characteristic, have some genetic as well as environmental influence, and that are artificially grouped together under psychiatric taxa and presumed to be due to an underlying physical (genetic) defect.

indeed, what I'm laying out here is just the basic circularity that underlies all psychiatric diagnosis: we know you are X because you do Y, which you do because you are X, which we know because you showed up to the clinic and told us you do Y. I unpacked this logic in more detail here.

finally, and this bears pulling out from the list because it's important, multiple of these studies are claiming that they have identified general genetic risk factors for a broad variety of psychopathologies (example here). in other words, the claim is not even really that ADHD has specific genetic causes, but that some as-yet-unspecified genetic factor/s are generally responsible for what are diagnosed as mental diseases. how do we know that unspecified higher-order genetic factor exists? well, we don't. but we assume it's there. the same way we did for the 'general intelligence factor,' g, which by the way is entirely racist nonsense.

you may notice that basically all I've said here amounts to accusing psychiatry of failing to meet basic standards of empirical proof generally considered to be load-bearing elements of the 'scientific method.' this is not even really an 'antipsych' argument—it's, at best, a critique of psychiatry as it currently exists, using (in a locally uncritical way!) established standards of scientific discourse. I'm pointing this out both because it's an extremely valuable habit to get into yourself, and because I once again would love it if more people understood that 'antipsych' isn't really a prior theoretical commitment most of us just stumble into. it's a position we actively have to seek out, and often, what prompts us to begin doing that is precisely the experience of noticing problems like the above, and the corresponding utter failure of the psychiatric discipline to rectify such problems without nullifying its own epistemological foundations.

[identitty-dickruption]

addiction theory is interesting to me because it's one of (several) places where ideas about physical disability/illness and ideas about mental disability/illness converge

in popular understandings, addiction is framed as a 'disease'. when I see this rhetoric, a few questions emerge:

what does this imply about how we imagine disease?

what does this imply about how we imagine addiction?

what kinds of treatment does this rhetoric justify?

in some addiction spaces, I've seen it said that "addiction is a disease" serves to destigmatise addiction, because it removes addiction from the realm of "immoral behaviour/lifestyle". this is a fundamental misunderstanding of popular imaginings of disease. an important thing to note here is that the word "stigma" was initially used to describe the way that people treat those they understand as 'the diseased'. so the emphasis on "disease = destigmatising" is immediately suspect to someone with a background in disability studies. we cannot simply take for granted that 'the diseased' are treated any better than 'the disordered' or 'the addicted'

largely, when people imagine addiction as a disease, they are stating the following:

addiction is a deficit that is held in a person's body and/or mind

when someone displays addictive behaviour, this is completely outside of their control, it is simply a symptom of the disease

when a person follows the whims of their disease, they are no longer behaving as a 'rational person' would in such an environment

it is therefore good and right to remove this person's autonomy until they are able to better control themself and their body

this line of thinking is unsurprising when we consider the ways that 'disease' labelling functions in many other settings. if a person has a disease, they are carrying a deficit and a pathogen. if a person is diseased, the moral and rational action is to give this person some form of treatment. if the person refuses treatment, this is fundamentally the behaviour of an irrational person. 'the diseased' have our autonomy removed from us constantly. unsurprising that a shift towards a disease understanding of addiction would result in the very same pattern of behaviour as a medicalised understanding of any other illness/behaviour

in this way, it no longer matters if it's true that addiction is a disease (it isn't. but again, it doesn't matter). what matters is that this framing of addiction takes advantage of ableist understandings of illness and disease in a way that serves to reinforce stigma BOTH of addiction AND of other diseases. it is not, in fact, a useful way to conceptualise any of this

[blood-orange-juice]

I realised I have a problem with the "Childe has cPTSD" idea that has been getting popularity in fandom, but it's probably more because of my gripe as a psych professional with the concept of cPTSD in general.

It's an understudied disorder and it's not yet in the DSM-V. Therapists use the term because it's better than nothing (they have to treat people regardless of whether we have a comprehensive theory of how humans function) but as it is now it simply clumps together too many things.

It started with a very reasonable thought that prolonged exposure to moderately stressful events can be just as harmful as One Huge Trauma, and also that the effects or prolonged exposure to stress will differ from only experiencing something once.

Sadly, the most common scenario in which a Western person (the type that has access to therapy and gets to talk about it online) can get cPTSD is child abuse. This means in the cases that are studied and discussed cPTSD response to prolonged stress is mixed with developmental trauma (all kinds of insufficient parenting and a child's needs not being met), attachment trauma (not having a stable relationship with a caretaker at a very early age when attachment strategies are formed), relational trauma (any trauma gotten in relationships at any age) and just general reaction to abuse (and all the damage to agency and self-worth that comes from it).

cPTSD of a person who came back from a war will differ a lot from cPTSD of a person who was raised by an abusive parent. There are similarities, sure, and it's important to recognise that a bad family situation can be just as damaging as being in an active war zone (in that sense the term has done more good than harm), but these two people won't have the same self-concepts and coping strategies.

The concept of cPTSD can be very useful if you are trying to understand what is happening to you personally or to explain it to your therapist (or to find a trauma-informed therapist), it isn't bad. But you can't say "this character has cPTSD" and derive meaningful predictions about his behaviour or self-image from it. It's too much of an umbrella term.

So, back to our boy. Bad things only started to happen to him at 14 and it's different from someone being consistently traumatised from an early age.

Does he have hypervigilance, bizarre strategies of self-regulation, at least some amount of dissociation, occasional attention problems and intolerance to helplessness? Yeah, probably, his lifestyle would do that to pretty much anyone. Prolonged stress just does that, doesn't matter how badass someone is. Some negative beliefs about himself are also likely. Difficulty with connecting with others is a given (everyone else lives in a different reality, how would he even begin to connect).

Does he have relational trauma? Also yes, we all do. Some justified guilt and anger over how things went? Not necessary but very possible. Some irrational guilt for things he couldn't control? Again, not necessary but I could roll with that (it's a common response to helplessness. guilt is easier to stomach than the loss of control).

Would he behave like a child abuse victim, thinking himself completely worthless and constantly doubting and pitying himself? I don't think so. He looks like a person who has never been abused in his life. It's very fun to write and I understand the appeal of it (I'm probably occasionally guilty of that too) but it's simply not how he's portrayed in canon.

He wouldn't think of himself like a child of narcissistic parents would either (having to be the best to prove his right to exist). He was long past the age when he could have gotten that type of trauma when Abyss and the Fatui happened to him. Also his resilience comes from somewhere and I think it's from having a loving family. Sure, it wasn't a perfect family (I have a lot of questions for them) and now it's irreparably messed up even more but he does look like a person who was loved as a kid.

[autistichalsin]

Mind Flayers and prions: a scientific analysis

Earlier today, I did some brain-related research for a fic of mine, and had a horrifying realization: what the hell happens if a Mind Flayer, which exclusively eat brains, catches a prion infection? A normal Mind Flayer is terrifying enough, now imagine one with kuru!

Then it was suggested to me that Mind Flayers would likely be immune somehow. And yeah, that seems like the second-most Occam's Razor-compliant theory (the first being that prions don't exist in Faerun, but come on, I'm a fucking biology nerd with a Masters in epidemiology and a love of parasitology, the odds of me making it that easy were fucking zero). But the question is: how would that work biologically?

So then I started with a deep-dive into prions in our world, and got my answer from a study on transgenic mice.

Before I get into that, though, I want to lay out the assumptions I'm making here:

Prions exist in Faerun, are capable of infecting humanoids, are found at the same locus (the Prnp gene that codes for PRion Protein [PRP] is located on the short arm of chromosome 20), and are transmitted the same way (in this case, the most relevant is consumption of infected brain tissue).

Considering that in Forgotten Realms canon, Mind Flayer tadpoles can't be inserted into dwarves, gnomes, etc (BG3 diverged from canon in this, and I can't blame them, it would be a sad and lonely game without little folks around), Mind Flayer DNA most closely resembles humans, but is obviously different from human DNA in more areas than elves or orcs (who we will assume are much more closely related to humans given that they can reproduce together) are to humans. That is to say, elves and orcs are closer to humans on the phylogenetic tree than mind flayers are, but mind flayers are still close to all of these, most especially humans.

The genetics of all organisms in Faerun are fundamentally the same as ours. The proteins and respective codons are the same, their form and function and significance are the same, they use the same five mammalian nucleotide bases... you get the picture. Minor genotypic differences are definitely there, but we're going to assume the foundations that inform our understanding of genetics as a whole are the same.

So, then. First, a very brief introduction to prions, because many people have never heard of them aside from possibly knowing about "mad cow disease" (feel free to skip this if you do already know):

The word prion is derived from the words protein and infection. It's exactly what it sounds like. It's a protein that is also an infectious agent, not a virus of bacteria. It exists as a wrongly-folded protein, and is very resistant to protease (enzymes that normally would break down a problematic protein). Over time, due to their resistance to proteolysis (the process that breaks down proteins)*, they eventually can force other proteins to misfold.

*Seriously, it can't be understated how terrifyingly resistant these things are. They can be inactivated with bleach, yes, but they resist autoclaves. You have to subject them to heats of 900 degrees Fahrenheit to denature them. For reference, the inside of a volcano is usually about 2,200 degrees.

The shape of proteins is extremely important in how they function, and proteins really want to be as parsimonious as possible; they want to use the lowest amount of energy possible to find a stable shape. The misfolded proteins require a lower energy expenditure than the normal form to maintain their shape, which is also more stable (hence its resistance to denaturing by heat), so normal proteins adopt it quite readily once exposed. From there, gradually (as little as months to as much as years) the proteins all convert to this unusual state. Unfortunately, while it's more stable for the individual proteins involved, it's a lot less stable for the brain itself, and the cells there begin to clump in amyloids, which cause brain damage and ultimately death. Prions are 100% fatal and care is limited to comfort measures. They also cause probably the worst symptoms of any disease I can think of. For example, the worst one of all, Fatal Familial Insomnia, literally causes sufferers to become unable to sleep. They start with extreme trouble sleeping, then over the course of a year find themselves gradually able to do it less, until one day they can't at all. Death follows in a few months, by which point it's downright merciful because they've been plagued with pain, paranoia, loss of memory, disorientation, headaches, weight loss, and more.

Prions are transmitted in a few ways: as noted, eating infected animal tissue is a big one, and was what led to the "mad cow disease" outbreak in the UK in the 1990s; cows were fed food containing the brain matter of other diseased cows, picked up the disease, and were then turned into food which infected quite a few people. Other ways are through contaminated medical equipment (as noted, you need to basically nuke medical equipment from orbit when it's used on someone with prions, and the long time from exposure to disease onset means a lot of patients are sick unknown to themselves or doctors), through genetics (IE Fatal Familial Insomnia), or sometimes even through spontaneous development if you're one of the unluckiest people on Earth.

So that's your primer on prions. Genetics, I'm going to assume some knowledge here, but I will give a brief explanation (brief because I don't want to seem like I'm just giving a thinly-veiled biology lecture).

The way genes code for proteins is by a series of codons, which are sequences of three nucleotide bases (A, C, G, and U/T depending on whether it's DNA or RNA) that are read and translated by the body. Most of the DNA in your body is non-coding and doesn't do anything, but the regions between a start and stop codon are what are used to make the proteins you need.

The gene that is implicated in prion diseases is known as Prnp, and produces the prion protein (which in its normal state is called PRPc and in its diseased state is known as PRPsc [sc standing for scrapie, which was the first prion disease to be discovered]). It is located on the short arm of chromosome 20. What it does normally is a bit of a mystery still, but the most widely believed hypotheses are cell adhesion or neuronal communication.

So, most mammals are really susceptible to them. Deer in the USA are currently suffering from a massive outbreak of one called Chronic Wasting Disease, humans have quite a few that affect us, and there are some notable ones in sheep, cows, etc. Even cats can get it. Rabbits are believed to be immune, but when scientists did an experiment with transgenic mice that forced them to express the lapine version of the Prnp gene, scientists could still force the protein to misfold by infecting the mice with prions, which suggests their immunity isn't absolute.

On the other hand, canines are also resistant, and scientists who tried to infect transgenic mice in the same manner after making them express the canine version of the gene had no luck (study can be found here). In wild type mice, the attack rate by the prions was 100%, but in the ones with the canine PRP, the attack rate was 0%.

We're getting a bit closer to our answer, then: clearly dogs have a gene that confers protection to their PRP, and since mind flayers most closely resemble a mammal (despite not reproducing the way humanoids do), the answer to mind flayer immunity would likely lie in the same gene.

As for the gene itself? Turns out, dogs have a codon at this locus that is found in very few other mammals. They contain codons that make, depending on the particular base pairs involved, either ASP (aspartic acid) or GLU (glutamic acid). This is not only rare (to the point of occurring in only a few other mammals), but provides a useful comparison: the PRP cats express is the most similar to a dog's. The feline Prnp gene doesn't include codons to make GLU or ASP. Cats are highly susceptible to prions.

So, while the why is still unknown and the correlation not proven yet as a causal pathway, it seems there is very likely a significant link between GLU/ASP production on that locus and the protection conferred to dogs against prions.

SO, finally, we can answer the question. Could mind flayers be safe while eating a diet of exclusively brains, even if they ate the brain of a creature infected with a prion? Yes, they could, assuming their Prnp gene has codons to produce ASP/GLU proteins as part of their PRP. And really, when you think about it, this would be yet another way illithids would claim to be superior organisms; while humanoids have to worry about an incurable neurodegenerative disease caused by something as trivial as an error in protein folding, illithids are conferred immunity by the ceremorphosis process. So it makes sense for the psychology of mind flayers that they're immune, too. And hell, they might even seek out humans infected with one, given they'd be weaker prey, the same way wolves just love to eat moose infected with a fatal brain parasite- and in turn, just like that protects the rest of the moose herd from being infected, illithids consuming sick humanoids would protect other mammals in the area too. It's certainly the kind of thing goodest squid Omeluum would do.

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

[miajooz]

Hey pretty

How are you today ? Hope you are doing amazing! So I have a request that I don't know if it's your cup of tea so feel free to ignore this.❤

How would you feel on modern!AU ellie and reader who where eachothers first loves meeting again after many years both having a family and talk with so much love to each other and it's angsty and lalalandish if you know what I mean . Anyway thats it !

Because I loved you first

warnings 𖤓 - not many warnings, just angst and fluff! use of y/n a few times—topics of homophobia, alcohol, and drugs mentioned. - wc: 5.8k

extra 𖤓- thank you so much for the request, beautiful. IM SO GRATEFUL!! i also wrote this while waiting on the poll for gamer!ellie, so i promise ill start writing when i see the results! anyways, i hope this is to your liking!

you know what people say about your first love—well—they say a lot of things. many theories suggest that you never get over your first love, even if you have a knew lover. your first love is the birth of all your feelings, the place where all those ideas and expectations for what you want in a relationship really bloom. that’s because you see it first hand, you see your cards laid out and how each of you play them to form a functional relationship.

even the toxic relationships with no functionality are remembered. is it to say they’re remembered for the sole purpose that they were toxic and messy? or maybe it’s for the same reasons as how you remember any first love. sure, you remember the bad parts, that’s the most obvious part of a toxic relationship. but what about the similarities? every relationship with a first love is different, different people have different experiences—that’s common knowledge.

but what about the similarities? more specifically, heartbreak.

heartbreak is at the end of all these kinds of relationships, though some feel heartbreak throughout a relationship. at least one of you has to feel it, it also seems to be a common theme in lesbian couples. not to be stereotypical per se, but something about these relationships feels so forbidden; even in modern times. it all depends on your environment, it doesn’t matter that it’s more normalized now. maybe it’s because you’re still figuring out yourself when you’re with your first love, even more so if you’re trying to put a pin on what your sexuality is.

that’s why when things end, it feels like you’ve lost a piece of yourself. the piece of yourself and the front you made for this amazing person in your life, is gone. it’s irrelevant to hold onto such passions and ideals when the person they were intended for isn’t in your life anymore. so yeah, in simple terms: it’s as if you’ve lost a piece of yourself. but what are you to do when you’re left questioning who you are again?

break ups happen for many reasons, sometimes you get bored, some cheat, some abuse, the reasons are endless. but what about the people who don’t have a say in their own relationship? what about the people who have to sit back and watch everything they built with the love of their life be torn from their hands with no warning. even if there’s a warning, it doesn’t make it hurt any less.

your first love embeds vivid memories into your brain, memories and feelings you can’t forget in situations like yours. your first love can become an extension of yourself, it’s such a profound experience you can’t help but feel as though it’ll never be replicated, as if you’ll never feel that way again. there’s a mold your first love makes, a mold that your relationships afterwards follow. maybe that’s why you can’t forget. the root, the heart, the soul, all of the foundation for your next relationships are built off your first one. it’s like an answer key, because you know what you want.

especially if nothing went wrong, then you really had everything you wanted.

that’s what happened to you and ellie. you both met in high school, she wanted to major in astronomy and you wanted to major in psychology. the two of you were good friends before, but the friendship faded after the two of you hung out alone so many times. the friendship developed into something much more, it was almost as if it was destined.

in your case, you had your future practically planned out for you. your parents had such old, traditional ideals; it was suffocating. everyday of your life felt like playing dolls, like you were a puppet in a big show for everybody to cast expectations and ideals on in the name of legacy. they wanted you to have a husband and kids, safe to say they didn’t want you to go to college—let alone have a girlfriend. but somewhere in your delusional mind, you thought maybe you’d have control over your life for once.

your life ended the day you had that sleepover with ellie. the sleepover you hosted at your house, it was new year’s eve . new year’s eve was a fun night, you could watch the fireworks with the love of your life on your balcony and talk about everything and anything. the fireworks were so beautiful that night, but not nearly as beautiful as ellie. the way her messy hair framed her face and blew in the slight, cold breeze. the way you’d occasionally feel her green eyes locked on you. what an entrancing woman, how’d you get so lucky?

your head was raised high, your eyes tracing all the beautiful bursts of color and life that people shot into the sky. the distant cheers of children cheering and screaming in excitement over a new year. a fresh start for some people, but not to you. to you, this was a start to taking control of your life. you’d work to grow more with ellie, get a house, live happily. that’s what you both wanted, you just wanted to be happy.

but hope was a curse, a curse that made you think things would be okay in situations that would never be okay.

ellie wasn’t watching the fireworks, well—maybe she was. but she was watching them through your eyes, the way your pupils expanded and reflected the rainbow colors shooting into the sky from all directions. you had such a calm, peaceful look on your face. her heart just swelled, you were so beautiful she wanted to cry.

she reached her hand towards you a bit until they connected, interlocking your fingers. that snapped you out of your mesmerized state, the colors fading from your pupils as you looked at her instead. her green eyes were reflecting yours, a beautiful mirror that told so many stories and so many feelings.

“you’re so beautiful.” she murmured, her body quite close to yours. her grip on your hand tightened a bit, those beautiful green eyes looking at you like you were a work of art. like she was at a museum looking at an ancient greek statute, like you were gifted by aphrodite herself.

all you could do was smile, your face was so soft and filled with genuine love. she was the love of your life, there was no doubt about that. you let out a short laugh, leaning in to kiss her. your lips connected softly, it was a gentle kiss that spoke so many unspoken words.

it looked like a scene from a romance movie, you never felt so much love for a person—not ever. your lips were soft against her chapped ones, almost symbolic in the way of healing. the kiss wasn’t very progressive, you kind of just sat there and kissed her over and over again.

that’s when the door to your bedroom creaked open, though you didn’t notice. you were too focused on ellie to care about anything else, plus, how could a door opening be heard over booming fireworks clouding your senses?

in the doorway was your mother, the look on her face could be described as horrified. ellie seemed to know something was up from the shift in energy, she opened her eyes slightly and broke the kiss, looking over her shoulder. there was your mother, standing in the doorway like she just saw somebody dead on the floor. as if ellie just murdered her daughter.

you immediately got curious when ellie broke the kiss, so you mirrored her actions.

your heart dropped to your chest, oh my god.

“shit..” you mumbled under your breath, looking at your mother with an equally horrified expression. this couldn’t be happening, why did things have to go so wrong? you tried to pull your hand away, but ellie didn’t let you. seriously, what was there to hide now?

“mom—“ you started, but you were quickly cut off by her angry voice. this was not good.

“what the hell is this, y/n?! did you just kiss that girl?!” she asked in utter shock and disappointment. that wasn’t the part that hurt you, the disgusted undertone is what hurt. as if you could describe something so blatantly obvious an undertone.

“mom, she’s my girlfriend. i didn’t think it would be a big deal.” you tried to reassure her, brushing it off as casual. why wouldn’t it be casual? was it a crime to love somebody? but you knew it was in her eyes, in the eyes of somebody like her.

your mother wasn’t having it, she looked between you and ellie with utter repulsion. ellie bit her cheek as to soothe her nerves, this was a very awkward situation for her. what made it harder was how upset you looked,

that alone hurt, it hurt a lot.

“oh, so sneaking around behind my back is okay?” she stared, her manufactured fingers pointing at your direction in a scrutinizing way. her eyes locked on ellie, narrowed in disdain and anger. “get out, get out of my house.”

you’re jaw dropped a bit, you were furious. she stared at your mother wide eyed, torn between letting go of your hand and leaving or staying to fight this. ellie couldn’t leave you behind, that wasn’t the type of person she was.

“what the hell is wrong with you, mom?! she’s my girlfriend!” you argued, stepping in front of ellie a bit. you never raised your voice at your mother before, but this situation seemed fit. as you saw it, respect was earned, not given.

your mother was livid, especially since your reaction was so raw and angry. over a girl? repulsive. “no, no she’s not. not anymore, you’re breaking up with her now.” she said firmly, not even hesitating when she saw your hurt expression. “you will have a husband, i won’t allow such sin and shamefulness in my household. do you want to be kicked out?!”

your face dropped, kicked out? you knew how your mother could be, she’d strip you of everything you knew and loved if it didn’t align with her. did she seriously want to kick you out over this? you’d be on the streets, you were still 17. ellie couldn’t take you in either, she was going off to college in three weeks.

before you could argue back, ellie did. “what the actual fuck is wrong with you?! did you have her just to control her life?!” she yelled, trying to charge towards your mother, but you held her back. you tried to intervene but it was no use.

your mother looked appalled, the shift in her expression made your blood run cold. “get the hell out of my house, you’ve corrupted my daughter.” she accused, her eyes falling on you next. “if you don’t break up with her i’m kicking you out.”

those words rung in your head over and over, it was as if time slowed. you almost thought it’d be worth it. you couldn’t lose ellie, she was absolutely everything to you. she was the only person in your life who genuinely made you feel like you mattered. but you couldn’t argue this, your mother was a stubborn as a rock.

ellie was shocked, this was absolutely unreal. she didn’t want to do all of this in front of your mother. she let out a shaky sigh before gripping your hand much tighter. “fine.” she said begrudgingly, immediately pulling you towards the door. she pushed your mother out of the way, looking over her shoulder as you walked through the house.

you were in your front yard now, since that’s where ellie dragged you. you were sobbing at this point, crouched down with her and clinging onto her like a lifeline. this was the hardest moment of your life. as much as you wanted to stay with ellie, that wasn’t realistic.

“please, please don’t leave me. i love you so much.” you pleaded, tears streaming down your face uncontrollably. your mother was watching through some window, her expression cold and angry. but you didn’t care, and neither did ellie. all she could worry about was you and your well being—what would happen if you were actually kicked out. seeing you cry so hard and the idea of having to leave you had her sobbing as well.

ellie shushed you, running her hands up and down your arms comfortingly. but it didn’t do much, especially since she was crying herself. “shh, it’s okay, baby. i love you too, i love you so, so much.”

those words were so unbearably painful to hear, you couldn’t even breathe, let alone form a decent thought or sentence besides a plea. your heart felt like it was squeezing every ounce of joy in your life out and into a dumpster. it felt like everything you did was being destroyed in front of you helplessly.

“please don’t leave me.” you repeated, unsure what else to say. “please don’t leave me.” you had mascara streaming down your face messily, it was a devastating sight to your girlfriend.

ellie’s heart was torn to shreds, watching her person in so much pain was too much. she wiped some of the mascara with her thumb, though it didn’t do much. maybe she just wanted to touch you.

“i know, baby. i’m so sorry.” she murmured, her hands lingering on your face. “please don’t cry, you look so pretty tonight.”

those words only made you sob harder, even more so when you saw her shift. why was she standing up, she couldn’t possibly be leaving, right? you let out some sort of strangled cry, desperately reaching for her. you didn’t allow her to stand up all the way.

“no, no! ellie, ellie—please!” you sobbed, desperately clinging onto her shirt. ellie’s face contorted into one of pure devastation, like she just lost everything she loved. she did, you were her whole world and more. she leaned down a bit, her eyes sympathetic and spilling out tears. then your lips connected, but it wasn’t as comforting as the one from earlier. she kissed you softly, and then she stood up.

you choked out another loud cry, reaching for her like she was about to run into a battlefield. “i love you, i love you so much, okay?“ she was wiping the tears from her eyes as they fell. watching your crumbled form on the floor, she couldn’t take it. she looked up at the sky, the fireworks booming now just felt like stabs to her heart.

before you could protest, she was walking towards her car. you reached out for her and weakly screamed, unable to form a coherent sentence—not even a plea. this was the hardest thing ellie had ever done in her life, but it had to be done. she couldn’t allow herself to be the reason your life went to shit, no, you deserved much better than that.

when she drove away, all you did was cry in your front lawn. hunched over, hands on your head, sobbing. it was the kind of sobbing that knew no bounds, the kind that poured out of you in a way you didn’t know was possible.

oh, ellie. the love of your life, your soulmate. yeah, you were lost again for sure.

so..how did you end up here? this was quite a few years later. ellie was gone, but she never left your mind. that night never left your mind, the night where you lost yourself again in a way you didn’t know was possible. but ellie wasn’t in a much better place, starting college after suffering such a heartbreak wasn’t easy.

every new years felt like a stab to the chest, the memory faded over time but of course it was never gone. that was the woman who shaped your identity, who taught you what loving somebody actually meant. forgetting was impossible—all because you loved her. all because she was your first, all because she was the reason you felt even a sliver of comfort in your fake, dollhouse of a life.

where was that same comfort when your mother arranged for you to marry a man? a wealthy man, sure, but it wasn’t ellie. ellie made you feel wealthy in a way that wasn’t financial, you felt rich because you had the best girlfriend in the history of the universe. this random man was nothing to you, the feeling was mutual. that nothingness for him continued even when you had your beautiful daughter. but you loved her, even if she was created from such a cold, heartless man.

in a picture, your life looked so perfect. you had a rich husband and a beautiful daughter, what more could you want? but it wasn’t perfect, not when you weren’t loved, not when your so called husband was running off with other women anyways—not that you cared, but it just highlighted how fucked up your life really was. you didn’t want much, it’s not like you wanted the world. you just wanted the love of your life back, the only person on this earth who actually cared about you wasn’t there. you didn’t even get to go to college, your life was a living hell. you didn’t get to pursue the one thing you wanted besides ellie, you had absolutely nothing besides your daughter.

ellie’s life wasn’t much better, even if she had the freedom you didn’t have. she was with a woman named dina, the two of them were raising a baby together. but when ellie lost her adoptive father, things went downhill fast. she wasn’t the same woman, she couldn’t sleep or eat or even function. she started partaking in self sabotaging habits like drinking and drugs. she never took any of her anger out on dina, but she still couldn’t take it anymore.

dina made the hard decision to break up with ellie, it wasn’t going well and she had to do what was best for her son, jj. ellie understood, but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. she still visited dina and jj sometimes when she was well, but it didn’t make her feel any less lonely. she was all by herself, stuck in an empty house with empty bottles.

she knew she was hurting everyone around her, but she was so stuck in that hole. that hole of depression and loneliness that isolation caused. that hole was almost impossible to escape alone, that’s why isolation is such an issue when you’re depressed. usually when she was drunk and hazy, crying on the couch in an empty house, her thoughts would drift back to you. they’re drift to that night where she had to just walk away, regretting everything she did. even if it was for the best, it hurt. in her dark moments, you were always there. but where were you now?

so, again, how did you get here? how did you manage to find yourself standing face to face with your first love, how did you manage to look her in the eyes? it was some sort of new year’s eve party at a park, people were celebrating and partying. once again, it felt like a fresh start for everybody but you. your friends dragged you along so you wouldn’t be trapped in your house on new year’s eve. you left your bastard of a husband to babysit your daughter while you left to go have fun—or at least try to.

ellie was here on her own accord. new year’s eve was so hard now, she figured forming more positive memories around it would he beneficial. but when she saw you, everything changed. it was a like a switch in her mind just flipped, was she hallucinating? she didn’t recall taking any hallucinogens, did someone slip one in her drink? she wouldn’t put it past her if she was hallucinating you, considering you were always on her mind. perhaps the lack of sleep and stress was getting to her, because this couldn’t be real.

so she stood there, her slightly veiny hands gripping her drink tightly. she was wearing wearing a brown, leather jacket with slight fur or sherpa on the insides and collar. her jeans were a pale, washed out color—this was an outfit joel would usually wear, as if that was comforting her in any way. her expression was wide eyes, her jaw slightly agape. so many feelings rushed through her body at that moment, feelings she was trying so hard to forget.

you were just as shocked, your drink falling out of your hands and shattering on the concrete. was this seriously happening? you were in a tight, purple, silk dress. it wasn’t too short, but it rested on your thighs nicely. your outfit screamed class and wealth, which wasn’t exactly wrong. the pearls and endless jewelry adorning your body further pushed that idea.

for awhile you just stared, neither of you speaking first, what was there to say? this was the woman you were yearning for the past 7 years of your hellish life, the woman who started everything for you. this was the woman who showed you what it felt like to be loved, the woman you dreamed of finding again. how was this so..normal? in your mind, she was across the damn world—but she was just right here. you dreamed of finding her again, and now you did—in such a strange setting.

ellie stared back, the urge to go chug alcohol until she blacked out was overwhelming. that seemed to be a more prominent urge as of recently. she didn’t wanna feel those emotions again, but she couldn’t help but feel relief. you looked okay, you seemed to be in a good situation which was relieving to her worrying mind.

a good situation—in the sense you looked healthy.

“ellie?” you questioned, your voice soft as it cut through the deafening silence between you two. ellie didn’t respond at first, her mouth was open in preparation to say something—but it was hard.

“hey..” she managed, her tone soft and laced with nervousness. but somehow it didn’t feel awkward, simply speaking to her again just felt so natural.

“what are you doing here? i didn’t—“ you let out a. shaky breath to which she noticed, “i didn’t think i’d see you here.”

ellie let out a small scoff, her lips curled into a soft smile. it was barely visible, but she used to always smile around you. your heart sunk, some sort of noise lodged in your throat. “just..drinking, i guess. what’re you doing here?”

you let out a small laugh, your manufactured hands fidgeting in front of you. “we’re in the same boat.” you said smoothly—or at least you tried to say smoothly.

“how have you been?“ she asked, her head tilted to the side a bit. she held her drink in her hands, unable to even think about it. all she could think about was how pretty you looked in that dress. was it too soon to say she wanted you back? too soon was bullshit, shes wanted you back ever since that night.

there was silence on your end. you couldn’t lie to her, but how could you tell her how much of a mess your life was? yet you did it anyways, as if you believed she could save you. “i..uh, i have a daughter now..” you started, clearing your throat. “but i didn’t get to go to college.”

ellie’s eyes were widened, a daughter? that hurt, that hurt a lot. did that mean you were currently with somebody? in her mind she still had a chance to get you back, this was a very defeating loss. but she tried not to assume, she didn’t know your situation yet. she pushed that feeling away, especially when she saw how troubled you looked. hearing that you didn’t get to go to college upset her, mainly because she knew psychology was a huge passion of yours. she instantly knew it was your mother’s doing.

“a daughter, huh? congrats.” she praised, the smile on her lips was much bigger now. she let it fade a bit so she could address the college topic more seriously, “why didn’t you go to school?”

you swallowed thickly, clearing your throat to mask the nerves, “my mom arranged me to marry my current husband, so..” you mumbled, “so i wasn’t able to go to college.”

this seemed to piss ellie off a lot, you could tell by the ‘subtle’ way she tightened her grip on her drink. but it was understandable, this situation was absolutely ridiculous. maybe it was ellie’s natural hatred for your mother because of that one new year’s eve night, but she was livid.

“are you fucking kidding me?” she questioned in disbelief, her voice was laced with anger and maybe something like disappointment. she knew how smart you were, it was upsetting to see somebody with such big dreams and ambitions trapped in a life they never wanted. “wow, i’m so sorry.” she rubbed the back of her neck softly, unable to really emphasize her sympathy. but you understood, you understood the ways ellie expressed herself and emotions even after so long.

you offered her a small smile, trying to be reassuring—if possible. “it’s alright, i’m happy to have my daughter in my life.” you explained, which was definitely true, “how have you been?”

now it was ellie’s turn to be silent, and of course you noticed the mood shift immediately. she brought her glass up to her lips and took a sip, her eyes didn’t leave yours for a single second. she took two sips before sighing and holding the glass in front of her. she was acting like a husband who was sick of their wife and kids or something.

“ah, not great. joel actually passed away a few months ago.” she explained, trying to keep her whole demeanor and voice level. but it was hard, you could hear the way her voice cracked in vulnerability when she spoke his name.

you were genuinely shocked by this, upon doing the math in your head, you realized joel was probably around 55 years old. that was young, how utterly heartbreaking. you had a lot of good memories with joel, even if him and ellie didn’t get along all the time—he accepted you two. he was the biggest supporter when the two of you broke up, but you didn’t know that. you didn’t know that he also tried to contact you and check up on you. but your mother stopped that, evil witch.

“oh my god, i’m so sorry, ellie.” you offered, immediately stepping closer to her and rubbing her arm comfortingly—it was like how she comforted you on the night she left you. rubbing your shoulders like you were a fragile work of art. it seemed to work, because she perked up immediately. her eyes fell on the hand that was now caressing her arm, the feeling was so natural but so distant. she missed this, she missed how softly you touched things when you cared. especially when you used to touch her, you were so careful with her even if it was unnecessary

you didn’t even realize you were touching her until she perked up, touching her was like a reflex even after all these years. she was still your soulmate, even if you hardly knew each other—your souls were tied. they were tied in the way that couldn’t be separated, even if you were on different ends of the earth. even if you were trapped in shitty marriages or broken relationships. soul ties didn’t break that easily.

“thank you, i appreciate it.” she replied, her expression was soft. oh, you missed that expression so much. that was almost how she looked at you that night on your balcony. new year’s eve was a cursed day. “i uh..i had a girlfriend but we just broke up. grief changes people—me.” she added, though she didn’t talk about jj for some reason. that was too much to explain, so much to explain and so little time.

your expression was somber, you were really hoping ellie would be well off. maybe that was just the bad stuff, maybe she was well off besides these more recent events. “i get it, just let yourself heal, okay? what about college, did you still go?”

the change in topic seemed to lift her mood a bit, you always used to have that effect on her. “yeah, i’m actually trying to be an astrophysicist or a cosmologist.” she explained, a soft smile painted on her lips now. “it’s been hard with so much shit happening, but i’m managing.

this pleased you, that was actually really great to hear. ellie had always been passionate about space and the history of the universe, so the fact she was trying to pursue her passion made you really happy for her. “that’s amazing, ellie!” you congratulated her, you had a big smile on your face.

ellie laughed in response, your enthusiasm was infectious. she missed that about you, how you could light up anybody’s mood from simply existing. it was because you were genuinely a good person, because you cared for people in a way that was so deep and so true.

“thanks, maybe i should talk your ear off again like i used to. i’m learning a lot of new things, you know?” she joked, but there was a genuine undertone. she wanted nothing more than to talk to you, she wanted to build something with you again. she wanted to learn about your life and be in it again, her life was so dull and lonely without you.

your smile faded a bit, though it wasn’t because you reacted badly. you stared at her, stared at the woman who you had longed for every waking moment for the last 7 years. you longed for her in your dreaming hours too, but just the waking ones. you smiled again, though it was more genuine.

“i’d like that, i’d like that a lot.” you replied, it was affectionate in a way. you wanted nothing more than to chat with her, curse this life of yours. you didn’t want to be a stay at home wife, you didn’t want to be with that bastard you call a husband; you wanted ellie. that’s all you wanted, you felt like that would fix everything.

ellie’s smile widened at this, it was like when you first took your relationship further back then. only this was different, this felt so forbidden in a way and so familiar.

your hands slid down from her arm and you grabbed her hand, holding it between both of yours. it felt like that moment on that balcony 7 years ago, when you kissed and held hands and watched the fireworks. there were fireworks booming around the two of you, but you paid them no mind. the colors shot beautifully into the dark sky, but just like last time, ellie was far prettier.

ellie was watching you, she watched as if everything around her was a white void. she almost immediately gripped your hand, the look on her face was so sincere and genuine. it was so full of affection and love, the affection and love you didn’t dare forget. the love that was your first, the love that taught you what it meant to love. the love that made you feel like you were the only one in the room, in the world, in the universe.

“you look so pretty tonight.” she coaxed, you could tell she meant every word. it was like those words were pulled straight out of her heart and put on a platter just for you. all you could think about was that night again, when she called you pretty as she held your hand and kissed you.

you could feel your heart flutter, all those feelings from last time came back to life in that moment. all the wishing and dreaming and yearning, all of it seemed worth it now. ellie was worth anything and everything, the fact you were apart for so long only made you want her more. you would figure out a way to be with her again, you’d do absolutely anything. you’d take control of your life for once, you’d live your dreams with the girl you loved and go to fucking college. you’d get a house, let your daughter meet her, and just be happy. this moment was the boost you needed—if things went well, that is.

your eyes were slightly glazed over, fighting back tears that threatened to spill from your eyes. you squeezed her hands so tight it must’ve been painful, but it was as if you were let her go then you’d never find her again. as if she wouldn’t find her way back to you, as if you wouldn’t be so lucky next time. your expression was sincere as well, that loving look that spoke volumes of how you felt. it spoke the words your soul and heart couldn’t.

“ellie” you started, trying your best not to cry like you did that new year’s eve 7 years ago,

“let’s try again.”

tagsss! <3 @eriiwaii @valeisaslut @haithone @usuck

[maxdibert]

And so far, you still haven't given a plausible reason for Bellatrix being a poorly written character, just your limited taste for Snape and the whole "but she's sooo mad" thing 😆

Your followers seem pretty fed up with you too.

Look, I wasn’t planning on doing this, but let’s play the game. You want us to talk about why Bellatrix is a flat character? Then let’s talk about why Bellatrix is a flat character:

1- Bellatrix is introduced as fully formed: she’s fanatically loyal to Voldemort, sadistic, and cruel. And that’s exactly how she ends her story. There’s no personal growth, no introspection, and no hint that her behavior comes from a place that evolves or shifts throughout the narrative. Her allegiance never falters, her motives are never questioned, and we never get a deeper exploration of what makes her tick beyond her madness and obsession.

2- Bellatrix functions more as a symbol than a person. She represents Voldemort’s inner circle and the absolute loyalty of a true fanatic. Her violence is over-the-top and theatrical, meant to shock rather than reveal anything meaningful about her as a character. Her only moment of potential complexity — the implication of her unrequited obsession with Voldemort — is treated more like a twisted joke than a layer of depth.

3- Unlike other female characters in the series, Bellatrix’s femininity is not nurtured, maternal, or intellectual: it’s chaotic, sexualized, and tied to destruction. She is essentially a caricature of “female madness.” Even her appearance is designed to contrast with the idea of traditional womanhood. She’s not given interiority; she’s a foil, especially when compared to maternal figures like Molly Weasley, who literally kills her in a showdown that equates good motherhood with moral superiority.

4- Bellatrix doesn’t drive the plot on her own, she’s an accessory to Voldemort. Her major scenes are never about her, they’re about what she does to others. Torturing Hermione, killing Sirius, dueling Molly… she’s a plot device in other characters’ emotional journeys, not the center of her own.

5- Bellatrix is, ultimately, a flat villain archetype. She’s written as mad, bad, and loyal to the end, without any meaningful exploration of why she is the way she is. She could have been fascinating —a privileged woman radicalized by blood supremacy, used and discarded by the very power she worships— but none of that is explored. She’s a theatrical evil woman, and that’s all the narrative allows her to be.

So no, she’s not a “well-written complex character.” She’s a recurring villain with barely any layers, whose function is to represent chaos, cruelty, and fanaticism. That’s it.

But now we’re also going to talk about why Bellatrix is not a feminist icon, nor a character who challenges traditional femininity, nor one who revolutionises the narrative by breaking the mould or the status quo. And while we’re at it, you’re getting a free feminism lesson, since you’ve been asking for it so much:

1- A caricature of Female Madness: Bellatrix is not a character with real agency or complex psychological depth: she is a flat, exaggerated figure, created to be feared, ridiculed, and punished. Her femininity is presented as deviant not as an autonomous force, but as a distortion of the traditional ideal: a hysterical, fanatical, cruel, and unhinged woman.

This archetype directly aligns with what Laura Mulvey identifies in her theory of the male gaze: many women in patriarchal fiction are not subjects with their own desires, but objects of male viewing and discursive control. Bellatrix exists as an extension of Voldemort, whom she worships with religious fervor and pathological devotion, interpreted as sexualized fixation, yet completely one-sided. At no point does she express personal desires that aren’t shaped by Voldemort’s dominance.

2- The “Madwoman”: Bellatrix embodies the classic stereotype of the “crazy woman,” a cultural construction long used to discipline and discredit women who deviate from the docile, maternal, and rational norms of femininity. Her wild hair, maniacal laughter, and chaotic aggression devoid of clear motivation all reinforce this trope.

This representation is heavily critiqued by theorists like Teresa de Lauretis, who explores how dominant narratives punish women who do not conform to the expected roles (mother, wife, caretaker). Bellatrix is childless, without a visible partner, devoid of maternal instinct, and emotionally fixated only on a male authoritarian figure: her narrative punishment is violent death, without nuance or redemption.

3- Patriarchal Fantasy: From a feminist perspective, breaking gender norms isn’t just about aesthetic or violent power. A woman isn’t automatically feminist just because she is strong or dangerous. Bellatrix does not subvert patriarchal power: she upholds it. Her loyalty is to the existing totalitarian and purist order, she becomes a tool of the regime, not a rebel against it.

What’s more problematic is that Rowling grants her no complexity. We’re told nothing of her interior life, ideological origins, or contradictions. She is a female character constructed purely from the male gaze: hypersexualized in her cinematic portrayal, fetishized as a “bad girl,” and turned into an object of spectacle, not a subject with voice or depth.

4- Narrative Punishment: Like other “strong” women in Rowling’s world who do not embrace caregiving roles (Bellatrix, Umbridge, Rita Skeeter), the narrative punishes her harshly. Only characters like McGonagall or Molly Weasley are rewarded—women who exercise authority while maintaining traditional roles.

In short, Bellatrix is neither a revolutionary character nor a challenge to hegemonic femininity. She is a narrative tool built to symbolize female hysteria, fanatical devotion, and irredeemable evil. Far from empowering, her depiction reinforces the message that powerful women who reject traditional roles must be destroyed.

I hope this has satisfied you. Honestly, Bellatrix has never been a character that interested me enough to analyze her, but since you’ve spent the last 24 hours harassing me about this and insisting that I do your meta homework for free. well, here you go. Now, sincerely, if you’re not going to say anything that requires more than half a brain cell, I invite you to leave.

And if you insist on staying on my blog because you’re clearly obsessed with me (which is basically what it looks like), then I’m just going to block you. Simple as that.

Or like we say in spanish: Te lo metes por el culo payasa.

[resident-idiot-simp]

Continuation of Logan as a teacher at the mansion and the conspiracies going on about what his relationship with Deadpool is

(x)

People have put together quickly he is only really there to visit Logan and BOY DO THEY HAVE QUESTIONS ABOUT THAT! However the fact that Logan the gruff standoffish asshole seems to like the mouthiest person in existence is unfathomable.

THEY SAW HIM SMILE AT DEADPOOL AND IT WAS THE HOT GOSSIP FOR WEEKS.

Sure Deadpool seems to be friends with a few of the other mutants But he always seems to go back to Logan and no one knows what to think of this truly. They expect Logan to just stab him one day in the middle of class but he never does.

They constantly threaten to stab each other. And the students assume it's jokes but... Everyone knows they're both functionally immortal so they're not actually too sure.

There are so many rumors about what's going on between the two of them.

Logan doesn't do anything about it in fact he finds then endlessly amusing. They can think what they want. While Deadpool purposely stokes the flames.

*Logan lounging on Deadpool under a tree*

The students: OMG..... What the hell how does Mr. Howlett deal with him

Another student: they are definitely together

Some other student: NO WAY ARE YOU INSANE

They catch just enough to not have confirmation but to have a good idea. And it's definitely on purpose. Maybe one of the students are out in the city one day and catch them together on a date or something along those lines. But they don't get any proof and so no one believes them.

"NO YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE ME!

'You're making it up pics or it didn't happen'

Logan overheard and is so amused

Wade is giggling like a school girl every time Logan tells him the current running theory about what's going on between them.

They're cover ends up getting blown by Ellie who just walks in and asks where Logan's boyfriend is. Everyone thinks Logan will correct her but he rolls his eyes and gives an answer and that's it. But it's all that it takes.

The new spreads like wildfire It takes less than an hour for everyone to know.

Deadpool is preening with the attention Logan just doesn't care.

Wade is so smug the cat that got the canary and the cream if you will. Who wouldn't be jealous of him?

People ask Logan all kinds of questions now but he ignores them. Really nothing changes except for now they know

[prushka92]

DFAOG AU (Don't forget about our goal) general info!

I've made some lil concrpts for the AU! I hope you will enjoy it✨ I only made Shuanshuan, Yi and 2 ocs for this properly by now but i will fo more surely! Like i really wanna finish Kuafu (if you have ideas lemme know!). But talking about AU itself...

But talking about the plot or something i already have some things.

Yi returned to Penglai along with Shuanshuan, the apemen and Kuafu to keep on searching for the antidote to Tianhou. In this version, Shuanshuan has no clones (as some theories say), he is in the middle child in the normal ending. Despite his young age, he helps Yi in working with the medicine, as he had previously studied with him.

Yi also continues to kill apemen in order to maintain the functionality of the biological supercomputer for soulscapes. The apemen believe in the gods, in the 9 Sols, living a lie, being isolated from the outside world as well. Yi rarely selects the apemen kids he likes who are intelligent and inquisitive, and teaches them, becoming their mentor. When Shuanshuan grows up, it is he who is already engaged in teaching the "chosen ones."

Kuafu helps Yi in finding a cure for Tianhou, and also replaces him when he leaves for soulscape for 5 years. Yi and Kuafu sleep for 5 years, and then they work for the same amount, replacing each other in order to continue working and support the rest of lifes on the New Kunlun.

Goumang is also here, but her fate is not so bright tho. She survived after Yi's fight with her and when they returned to Penglai Yi offered fer team working, Goumang agreed. However after not so much time she became the Yi's test subject. They just were not meant working together because of events in the game. As a result, she became quite apathetic, considering Yi to be just a crazy maniac. In her eyes, he's just a madman, obsessed with the idea of healing and saving everyone, even though there's no hope of salvation anymore. Goumang can be said to be coming to Tao, as she has already accepted her fate, realizing the deplorability of the whole situation. Her small joy is Shuanshuan and a student Huanhe whom Goumang taught biology and agronomy for a while before turning out to be a lab rat. The children visit her periodically to feed and talk to her.

In addition to Shuanshuan's help Yi with his work, he continues to explore the completely new world of Penglai and the culture of solarians. Yi teaches him martial arts (Shuanshuan has no plans to use these skills for their intended purpose), science and history. Shuan's training is assisted by Abacus Ruyi, which Yi restored after arriving at Penglai. He devotes the boy more to art, and when Yi leaves for soulscape, he takes over almost entirely the training, as well as conducts the tests prescribed by Yi for the antidote and research, helping in the development of a cure for the virus. Kuafu spends most of his waking years maintaining the New Kunlun and looking after Shuanshuan, also giving him knowledge, but this time in the field of engineering.

Over time, Shuanshuan began to wonder: "Is there even a cure?"Are our efforts in finding a solution not in vain?" "How right is it to exploit my people in order to save them?" and many others. On the basis of these questions, he began to develop and take root a different worldview, and later learns from Abacus Ruyi about the philosophy of Tao and becomes imbued with it.

How many students does Yi have in total?

Four: two boys and two girls, including Shuanshuan himself, and he is the oldest of them. If we list them by seniority, it turns out like this: Shuanshuan, Huanhe, Heiluyan, Zhujin.

What happened to Shennong?

Unfortunately, he died in a fight with Eigong when she broke into the pavillon of the Seasons.

How does Yi relate to the rest of his students?

He basically values them as much as Shuanshuan, although it's a little difficult to say that he perceives them as his family. But he does get involved in their education and upbringing, given that these are orphaned children whose parents died in a slaughterhouse or for some other reason.

Will they find a cure?

Unfortunately, there is no cure for Tianhou in this au. It would just ruin everything really, so no matter how cruel it sounds, the dozens of years they spend searching for it will be in vain.

Does the new Abacus Ruyi remember the events that took place in the game itself?

Yes and no. He'll just know what happened from the stories of Yi, Kuafu, and Shuanshuan, but the new Ruyi is just as sentimental as his predecessor.

In fact, in this universe, Yi also comes to the Tao, just like in the game, only much longer, which, in fact, I would like to see! I wish Yi had more interactions with Shuanshuan and Kuafu, because I didn't have enough of that in the game (not because the game couldn't handle it, but just because I love that kind of thing)

I will add more info by time! I really hope you all like it :]

[five-thousand-loaves-of-bread]

did you know that…

while autism functioning labels never really had set diagnosable descriptions like autism levels & autism itself in DSM, so different clinicians may have different definitions, but—

did you know that for many of them (more than you imagine, even now), what different between high functioning & low functioning is just. intellectual disability?

way they use is:

high functioning autism = autism without intellectual disability

low functioning autism = autism with intellectual disability

(so back in asperger’s vs autistic disorder diagnosis days, asperger’s & high functioning autism/HFA & low functioning autism actually all mean slightly different things)

.

yes, one thing tumblr autism community tend get wrong is: unlike autism ADHD learning disabilities, intellectual disability (as single disorder) *directly* affect *everything* about person. from conceptual/cognitive/thinking/learning/etc to social to daily living & adaptive functioning to everything you can think of. and autism community tend downplay ID & ignore autistics with ID. so someone with even mild intellectual disability can be quite different than someone with similar presentation of autism but without ID. however—

intellectual disability being only criteria for medical label, that follow you n impact you for rest of life, that claim to describe how much you overall “function” (want everyone imagine be told by everyone that you function lowly). is wrong.

am nonverbal. have high support needs & need 24/7 someone close by. diagnosed with autism that border level 2 & 3. have many severe symptoms, very impaired theory of mind & often do not even understand people exist & have own different thought n feelings that not like my own, have little to no interest in social, cannot mask n is visibly autistic, have behavioral issues, motor skill lower than bottom 1% of age group, etc etc

& another autistic with maybe mild ID, who with support & hard work is living more independently, who struggles but can speak by mouth, who have job, who with right guidance have enough social skills to keep some good in person friends

am would be called high functioning. n second person, low functioning. all because they have ID while me, don’t.

so, me get “very fortunate (sarcasm)” experience of be grouped in category n be black sheep n be expected assumed able to & be questioned why can’t do things other “high functioning” autistics can do, because they have lower support needs than me & lower autism levels than me. while second person get assumed they not able do things it too dangerous too risky & others be shocked about them do every small thing, simply because they have ID & thus must be low functioning, not because they actually cannot do it.

though. even if there someone like me but have ID. still don’t think anyone should be told they so terrible at functioning they “function lowly.”

diagnoses can be important & having comorbid disorder especially something as general as ID can mean different things compare to someone without that comorbid disorder. but language about person should be individualized based on each person, not something general that only look at diagnoses n not the person. and, that language need be actual respectful about person, because that who we are: people. even if some of us have a LOT of struggles where we physically depend on other people 24/7.

(n everytime talk about autism functioning labels, feel need to say: forcibly labeling someone with functioning labels problematic because everything just said. not because all autistics same & by same, mean verbal low support needs)

[1nkwe4ver]

So here’s the theory. I think I’ve got it

I still think what Lumon is doing is bigger than giving rich people the chance to sever off their bad experiences. And I think Helena is actually a big hint to understanding whats going on with Gemma.

They act like Cold Harbor is going to be a religious revelation to the world, and I don’t think it’s just “eliminate all your troubles with Severance!” Like okay so if you’re not immediately existentially horrified by it, that might sound kinda cool, but what’s the big miraculous reveal they keep referencing with Cold Harbor? That will change the world? Make everyone join the cult of Kier? Why all the goddamned secrecy and hiding Gemma underground? Obviously people already know about severance and about using it for your inconveniences, people are already doing it. People are severing off worker bees for their 9-5. Rich people are using it to give birth.

So I have a theory of how this is bigger than that

First of all, some of the questions they asked Gemma. I felt like they were checking on her mental functions and memory as herself, as an Outie. “Where did you go?” And “Would you be more afraid of drowning or suffocating?”before she even starts her rooms for the day.

The next key I think is in things like MDR. They are finding the scary numbers and refining them into the boxes labeled with tempers(if that’s not what they’re labeled with it’s something like that). Mark’s first file matched the name of Gemma’s Christmas Thank You Note room, I think. Implying his finishing that file had something to do with the formation of that room. The room resembles the way one of their actual Christmases was set up, so I feel it’s implied they were drawing from his memories. Possibly one where they were feeling crappy because of all their failing to get Gemma pregnant.

Okay. So even if you accept that Lumon categorizes all bad feelings into the “tempers”, why does Lumon need this to make a room for Gemma’s Innie to experience this temper? Why bother personalizing it to Outie Gemma’s experiences in such a weirdly intimate way? After all, Innies aren’t supposed to have that kinda connection to their Outies.

And even beyond Mark, what is the rest of MDR doing? Why have them craft these weirdly personalized rooms to isolate tempers so intensely? If all they wanted was to let Innies do the dirty work for the Outies, surely they could come up with rooms doing the basic premises for themselves- eternal dentist offices and chores.

Also, why fucking plane crashes and Thank You Notes? Yes, Gemma hates thank you notes, but that Innie didnt hate thank you notes until she was subjected to that room over and over. You can’t tell me they’re going to sever so many innies into the average brain that someone is going to have one set aside to turn on just in case a plane crashes. Irl, a persons going to want to call their family if they have the service. They’re going to want to experience their last moments in case they die. They can’t trust the Innie to actually behave like a person on a real life plane rather than a simulated one. I also highly doubt someone will really get another brain surgery just to do a petty thing like Thank you notes. Will they delegate it? Sure. But even if I’m buying into the system of brain slaves thing, I’m not going to schedule the time and take the risks to have another severance done. If im that rich and petty I’m sure I have a personal assistant doing that shit anyway.

So how does Helena Eagan shed some light on this?

Remember after Irving nearly killed her, she speaks with Drummond. They say something along the lines of, doctors say her tempers will rebalance promptly. But if she’s still feeling poorly they can treat her. She insists immediately and firmly that she is fine.

I know it’s implied Helena wasn’t severed until she got her job on the severed floor. So what if that’s the point of severance?

Stay with me here. Kier has to be the core of whatever’s going to be revealed with Cold Harbor and Gemma. The beginning. They’re crediting everything to him. Praise Kier. His work will finally be realized and everyone will rejoice. But Helena has confirmed that Jame is the one to come up with the severance procedure.

So what did Kier do? He identified the tempers, for one. What does Lumon actually do with the tempers? All we’ve heard mentioned is people getting them in balance, or out of balance.

Helena’s situation implies two things-

One- followers of Kier approach larger medical issues, physical and mental, with doctors who rebalance their tempers as opposed to other remedies.

Two- Even Helena fucking Eagan isn’t really willing to undergo whatever the fuck you have to do to get your tempers back in balance under a doctor’s supervision.

So my theory is- Kier’s original method of balancing the tempers, the basis of Lumon’s ideology, is some variation of what they’re doing to Gemma, traditionally without severance. Obviously, because severance didn’t exist till a few years ago.

My theory is that they believe every illness/lack of wellness is an imbalance of the tempers. More often than not, a lower amount of one.

To raise this temper, they dig into you psychologically, maybe with normal therapy or something, take something that stimulates a certain “temper” and make you experience it over and over, to the point of torture. In their view, this ultimately realigns the temper and once youre done, you recompartmentalize the Dieter in you that’s experiencing that shit, and you’re well again.

The issue was, well- patients either left their cult or lost their minds. Kier died and I’m sure his personality, which had probably drawn and kept many in, lost many followers with it.

So the Eagans and their remaining followers have to accept that things aren’t going right. They have to change their approach. Make things a business to keep their power and influence, and back off from the things that make them look like wackjobs in the public eye.

I mean, obviously, Kier could never have been wrong, he was right. The problem is the world. The masses cannot handle his wisdom for some reason. We have to approach this differently.

So they need to do two things to make Kier’s word acceptable to the mainstream, really. They need to prove, as they believe, that balancing the tempers can heal pretty much any fucking thing under the sun. And secondly- they need to make a way to make the process usable on the masses. Something an average person could make it through without losing their mind.

In comes Jame Eagan.

He has the best idea. Kier always compartmentalized his time “balancing his tempers.” He put it all on Dieter(if Dieter was a real brother, excuse me, but I’m going with the ‘he was a metaphor’ interpretation for this. If you disagree, just take my references to Dieter to be personified portions of yourself you’ve compartmentalized to deal with traumatic situations). But Kier was pure. He was superior. The average person may need help to do that! Let’s section off a portion of their memories, so they don’t have to remember going through treatment! We create these people’s Dieter’s for them, because as long as the tempers in their body are balanced, they will experience the healing effects of Kier’s treatments. So what if those versions of them are in continuous loops of torture? Nobody cares about the states of those minds. Those are Dieters. Those aren’t real people. And then the real people get to be whole again!

Okay, but how do we convince the masses that this isn’t crazy bullshit? We need a real, solid example of how surreally magical and intense Kier’s treatment can be.

Well, the doctor says- with such strong mental barriers as this procedure will give us, I believe we could rebalance the tempers in anyone. Could do anything.

You know what it could do? We could raise the dead.

So- I think Gemma did die. Physically. I think they took her corpse, which Mark identified early on, and quickly swapped it out for them to bury a different one.

Then they used crazy technology to resuscitate her. I think she was on the edge of death and miserable and a shell of herself. Probably hardly functioning. Hardly reacting to the questions they asked. Who knows what her mind and body were like when she was recovered. She was her, but if she’d been allowed in a normal hospital, she would have long been pronounced dead, and if they somehow resuscitated her as Lumon originally did, so late, no one would have let her live how they resuscitated her to be. Gemma being brought back to herself as we’ve seen her would be a miracle.

That’s why they need MDR to unconsciously choose what they will use for the formation of the rooms. They are making sure the rooms will spike the sharpest reactions of her tempers possible. It is necessary to have a raw, unconscious human response dictate this. It is helpful to draw from Mark’s memories because they’re not trying to test Gemma’s Innies ability to withstand dealing with the rooms, they’re trying to restore Gemma’s tempers to the levels they were at before her death. Other people’s experiences can work for some general things, like anxiety at the dentist office, but it makes sense that Mark is so essential here in that context. He is the refiner that can’t be fired because to really get Gemma back to Gemma, we need situations that will stimulate her from the life they shared. They have a general idea of where her old tempers were, I think because they measure it in the blood. And they had a lot of access to Gemma medically before her accident. She went to Lumon blood drives. She went to the Lumon fertility treatment, where that doctor who worked on this hell floor was seen in the background. I’m guessing they believe they have an idea of her “tempers” pre-death because of that.

This also lends itself to a late stage Uno reverse from Cobel or Helena, trying to get Mark on their side. Hell, it might late stage be the only reason Mark finishes the goddamned Cold Harbor file.

Because we’ve seen how tortured Gemma is right now, so in our heads, right now, it seems like nothing could make us sympathize with these crazy evil folks. Makes us hate Lumon drones we’d come to like, like Milchik and Cobel and Helena afresh. But what if Gemma really was dead before all this? What if she really was a barely breathing corpse when they started this work on her? It wasn’t their right to take her body, but now she is back and she is her

If you hear, Milchik, Cobel, and them really are so devoted to this company because they’re working on bringing people to perfect health with a health framework that is so superior it can bring people back from death, you want to say that they’re deranged and wrong, but ignoring whatever got them into the company in the first place, what about what they’ve potentially seen with Gemma? Maybe it’s still wrong to be so cruel, but if you’ve really seen this company bring someone back from death to essentially herself, wouldn’t that inspire your devotion? Wouldn’t you think you should probably toughen up as opposed to getting out? Wouldn’t you be a little reverent? Wouldn’t you have committed to breaking society’s rules already? And if you wouldn’t be, can’t you imagine someone else being so? Like that is wild. Cobel has been in this company since she was a child and now she’s literally a part of them doing one of the most miraculous things anyone ever said she was crazy to believe they could do.

This also puts Cobel’s obsession with Mark and his family into perspective, because it’s not just screening things for a sign he might get away, keeping control of the situation, a weird sense that she’s entitled to be close to him- it was also originally probably a recommended route to getting more info on Gemma. How many times did Selvig bring cookies for Mark and gently coax him until he told her stories about Gemma? How many pictures did she pull up and ask questions about? How many little pieces of furniture, like the candle, did she steal, to help personalize Gemma’s experiences further? How much info did she get from getting to know Ricken and Devon?

Also, another thing about Helena, which is just occurring to me as I write this- I’m thinking back to early season 1. When we still don’t know her full identity, but we see her side of her first day at Lumon.

I originally attributed this to them being unsure what they were going to do so early on, but I’ll say, Helena seems genuinely happy and pleased when we see her side on the outside of her first day severed.

Nowadays, when we see her in the outside, she’s cold and reserved, in large part I think because the experience has gone so wrong. And I think people have just written off that early episode as just them keeping her behavior vague- she’s being polite, going through the motions. Based on her behavior now, we might think she never wanted to be severed in the first place, was always forced.

But I think of like, when they show her smiling and talking about it, almost nerding out while they’re doing the procedure. Nervous, but genuinely a bit excited. And what is there to be excited about? You’re not gonna remember what goes on. I don’t take anything she said for the videos at that party in the finale as real.

But this theory, about the Kier cult and balancing tempers for health purposes? I think that really makes it make sense.

Helena was raised in all this, and she seems to scoff at some parts of it. I’d say it’s implied on some level, she knows it’s bullshit. She is stressed and firmly denies she needs to go to the tempers balancing doctor after Irving tries to drown her. She starts giggling at the dramatic story about Kier masturbating. It very much seems like she doesn’t drink her own Kool Aid.

So, if shes really just a business mind in all this, not a real spiritual believer, I think she’s excited to be severed because she’s stuck in this system. Every time something in her life happens to her- she gets hurt, she gets attacked, she undergoes a traumatic experience- she gets sent into the waking nightmare of the doctors who dig into your psyche and rebalance your tempers. What they’re doing to Gemma, without Severance. Torture. She’s an Eagan, it’s not supposed to bother her, she of all people is supposed to be superior, but she fucking hates it with all of her being.

So she is excited to be severed because it represents finally not having to fucking deal with that.

She is ready and willing because before Helly, she saw severance as her way out of hell. Her way to finally create a Dieter she didn’t have to deal with. To not experience them carefully crafting experiences to torture her in the name of “rebalancing her tempers.” Severance was finally going to let her compartmentalize all the shit she couldn’t stand about being an Eagan and focus on being herself. Everything she’d been taught about it said she didn’t need to worry about Innies, they weren’t people.

But then she takes the severed job- and Helly keeps trying to run out the floor. She threatens to cut off Helena’s fingers. Helena is supposed to walk in the elevator and come out never knowing more than an echo of Helly’s pain- and one day she walks in the elevator, and the next moment she’s being hanged.

So her hopeful little smiles before going in are just gone. She still feels trapped. She never wants Helly triggered again, I highly doubt she wants to create a system of others. But of course, she’s still an Eagan, and she has to still finish the realization of Kier’s wishes, and they still have a woman nearly brought back to life in their sub-basement. And they still want Helena Eagan’s severance as a publicity stunt.

So yeah. I think we’re going to find that Gemma DID die in that car accident, and was brought back to life using an extreme combination of Kiers principles and balancing of the tempers, a process which she can only handle mentally because the parts of her dealing with the individual bits of the torture are severed off.

Mark’s contributions in unconsciously creating the rooms are essential because they need to make sure her tempers are balanced back to the way Gemma originally had them. I’m not sure exactly what the Cold Harbor file is, but once the room is done and used, Gemma will be “completely” brought back. And Lumon intends to use this as proof to the world that the Rebalancing of the Tempers is the cure for everything, as Kier always said.

[meanbossart]

Ok so I just devoured all of ANE—incredible work, I just loved imagining every scene with your art in mind, it painted such a vivid picture. There are so many great moments in the fic but one that stuck out, that I would LOVE to ask you about:

Chap 26- "My blood, my guts - I felt them starting to boil, to roast. It was as excruciating as it was exhilarating. Like coming alive again"

I adore how creatively you write violence. I never would have thought of it—let's electrocute the vampire!! I am so curious for more details from astarions POV. Was it just a shocking (pun intended) experience, or is this something he would low key fantasize about later? (Or was he just saying that cause he thought DU drow would be kinda into it?)

I would also love to know more about his vampire sweat which you describe as waxy. It seems like that it happens to him not really just from physical exertion, but from his vampire body reacting to extreme circumstances—like exposure to the river, or the electrocution. Is that theory accurate? Basically, we know he sweats, but does he sweat with normal triggers? Or is it different for vampires?

Haha I love taking vampire lore as provided from BG3 and getting grittier with it!!! Thanks for taking us on such an incredible journey with this fic so far!

Oh I LOVE A Novel Experience questions. Thank you so much for reading it!!! I'm glad it has been a fun experience so far.

This scene, and that dialogue in particular, was written with future events in mind, and while Astarion's line specifically doesn't have direct plot impact, it may come to mind at a later date, once Other Stuff has happened (profoundly helpful, I know).

The scene itself (where Astarion uses his body to conduct the electrical charge) is also supposed to reveal a little more about how I headcanon vampire's bodies to work: he received a fatal dose of electricity, his body technically suffered the side-effects from it, but since Astarion doesn't actually depend on his his bodily functions he did not cease actual functioning and was able to stand upright to do what he did.

Astarion's reaction also is supposed to be earnest. He basically just got defibrillated times a hundred, felt heat emanate from the core of his body for the first time in two centuries and had his heart jump hard enough to shake up some of the cobwebs around it - he will definitely be thinking about it, but the experience wasn't sexual. He only came onto DU drow minutes later because the experience put him in a really good mood, and because it was a good way to reassure his partner that he was okay despite what just happened.

I do like to bring about a corpse-like picture whenever I describe Astarion in distress, or exerting himself. I have an ask reply buried somewhere that goes into more detail about it, but basically - the worse a state the finds himself in, the more he resembles a cadaver, hence the oiliness/ thick sweat (the aforementioned waxiness) and a potent smell. He basically looks very feverish in those instances, which can also resemble someone who's freshly deceased.

I don't think he's ever quite normal unless very freshly fed, bathed, or covered in perfume, but both smell and physical appearance do improve significantly when he's not actively suffering or regenerating, the same goes for the waxy-sweat situation - if he's being active a normal amount (fighting, having sex, or stuck in really hot temperatures), he either won't sweat at all or only a little bit, and nothing about it will seem particularly out of place unless you were to take a big whiff of him. It's all technically the same action/substance but produced in different amounts and interacting with the overall state of his body.