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demetriandelibinaryboyfriends · 3 years

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AIGHT Y’ALL I wasn’t tagged but I’m doing this anyways because f u c k i t

It's the year 2021 and you're obsessed with The Karate Kid. How are you feeling?

Deadasss weird as fuck, my dude. Like...out of all the things I could’ve predicted happening in our lord’s year 2021, it definitely was NOT getting hyperfixated on a hammy gay ship with a punk and a nerd from a goddamn karate soap opera. And yet...here we are??? I will never understand hyperfixations, my guy. But I’ve met a lot of really cool people in this fandom, so I can’t really complain.

Did you grow up with TKK or are you new to the series?

I have never seen a single Karate Kid movie in my entire life. When I was a kid, it looked kinda dumb so I never got into it XD But then I saw my roommate watching Cobra Kai on Youtube Red one day (he has every streaming service known to man) and I was hooked. And...here I am!

We gotta do the basics. Favorite character:

Literally EVERYONE except for Kreese, Yasmine, Kyler, and Tory, sorry stans

Okay but if we gotta pick, Johnny Lawrence is my Problematic Fave. Also I love my boy Daniel, he’s trying his best!!! And Amanda LaRusso, we stan a queen!!!

Among the kids, definitely Miguel, with Demetri as a close second. I also love Sam, Aisha, Moon, and Hawk (pre- and post-Bastardization Arc, anyways XD)!

Favorite ship:

Take a look at my username and take a WILD FUCKING GUESS lmao Yes it’s Eli/Demetri because DUH, every interaction they have is so fucking gay and Eli fucking saved him!!! And came back to him!!! And betrayed the world’s most terrifying dojo with a WAR CRIMINAL SENSEI all for Demetri!!! And how Demetri was willing to forgive him for everything at the drop of a hat because he always had faith there was still good in his best friend??? That’s TRUE LOVE motherfuckers. Please let them kiss in Season 4. I will sell you all of my limbs. Sam/Miguel is a close second because they’re cute as shit and it’s just so lovely to see two people so unapologetically smitten with each other. They are in LOVE, and I will RIOT if they break up again!!! Keep Sam and Miguel together 2k21!!!

Underrated character:

SAMANTHA LARUSSO!!! The amount of hate my girl gets for acting like a normal teenager and fucking up occasionally JUST like the rest of the cast makes me want to start punching things. She cares SO MUCH about her friends!!! And she loves the shit out of Miguel!!! She hasn’t always been the best friend but you know what??? Neither has Hawk, and we still forgave his ass!!! Also LET HER BE FEMININE but also kick utter ass, my god!!! Femininity should not be synonymous with being weak, y’all! ALSO DEMETRI, like yes, he likes to complain and occasionally run his mouth, but guess what else he likes to do??? Never give up on the love of his life his best friend Eli Moskowitz and refuse to lose faith in him no matter how much of a little shit he’s become, and I for one think that’s very badass of him. Also the way he takes care of Eli pre-Cobra Kai in his own snarky bastard way makes me absolutely Weak and needs more appreciation. Like the dude has charisma and COULD have probably made other friends and left Eli behind if he wanted, but did he??? No, he wants the weepy loser with the lip scar in the polo shirts and dorky sweaters and will protect him as much as his wimpy ass is able!!!

Underrated ship (don’t say therapy, lol):

Among the adults, Daniel/Amanda!!! Like maybe I just don’t watch that much tv, but it seems kinda rare to me to see a happily married hetero couple, and it’s just nice to see a married couple who genuinely love each other and where there’s not like...lingering resentment or some shit. I feel like this ship gets overshadowed by Lawrusso a lot (which like--okay, fair!!! Daniel and Johnny do have a ridiculous amount of chemistry, and the gay undertones are undeniable, so I get it), and it makes me kinda sad. I do love Lawrusso, but I don’t like when Amanda has to get her heart broke for it to happen, you feel? Among the kids, honestly YasMoon. Like I really love the idea of Yasmine trying to better herself because of Moon’s influence on her and because Moon like...inspires her to be a better person, I guess? With their pretty strong friendship, it just makes more sense to me for Yasmine to get a redemption arc through Moon than through Demetri. ALSO girls DO often pull the whole “mean girl” shtick to cover up being closeted lesbians, and Moon IS canonically bi, so it could work!!! I just think this one could be a really interesting Friends to Lovers take, and could make a really nice coming-out arc for Yas. And MoonPiper too, honestly!!! Like they only got 5 seconds of screentime so I understand WHY it’s underrated, but I still love what we DID get and loved that there was a canon gay ship (even if only for 1 scene lmao). I’m really excited to potentially see more of them in Season 4!!! Please, I’m begging!!!

Wax On, Wax Off or Sweep the Leg?

Sweep the Leg because it will always be deeply hilarious to me how Demetri took note of the first move Eli ever used on him and spent presumably weeks perfecting it OUT OF SPITE just to get him back with it at the soccer game MONTHS later. Just goes to show how OBSESSED Demetri is with Eli and their little karate rivalry which is just NOT straight, I’m sorry

Which of Daniel’s dumb little outfits is your favorite?

There’s something so funny about this pretentious little fuck walking around in fancy suits once he becomes a #SuccessfulBusinessman, and still occasionally trying to do karate in a full-ass suit (take THAT, Tom Cole’s boba!!!) I’m also a big fan of how he looks in his gi with his little headband. Still killing that look as a 40-50-something!!!

Character from the films you most want to return, who’s not Terry Silver:

Tbh I have still never seen a single Karate Kid movie (they took them off of Netflix, RIP), so...I don’t really care if they bring anyone else back??? I’m invested in the characters we already have in the show, I don’t need some rando from the movies to make a cameo to have a good time XD The only character I really wanted them to bring back was Ali, and they already did, so like...I’m good??? That’s all I really needed, I can die in peace now XD

Scene that lives in your head rent-free:

Basically any fluffy Elimetri scene, but 5 in particular: ~Miguel first meeting Eli and Demetri at the lunch table, and Eli looking at Demetri like he hung every goddamn star in the sky ~Demetri going off at a terrifying, “unhinged” karate sensei on the first day of Cobra Kai because he made fun of Eli’s lip and Demetri is not about that shit ~ELI STEALING DEMETRI’S NACHO AND SMIRKING AT HIM, LIKE EXCUSE ME SIR PLEASE BE A LITTLE LESS HOMOSEXUAL IN FRONT OF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ~Eli yanking Demetri onstage during Valley Fest to hold a board, and Demetri being visibly like...extremely turned on when Eli breaks said board ~ELI SAVING DEMETRI DURING THE CHRISTMAS FIGHT, ELI APOLOGIZING, DEMETRI AND ELI KICKING COBRA ASS TOGETHER AKSBDCUWYVCBU

Will Anthony LaRusso ever be relevant?

I hope not! He’s kind of a funny meme character to pop up now and again but I don’t think he deserves a serious plotline when there are so many more interesting characters to follow.

You live in The Valley and are forced into the karate gang war. Which dojo do you join?

Miyagi-Do because Cobra Kai would eat me alive. Also I’d probably straight up get stuck and die in that cement mixer, if I even made it that far XD Besides, being salty that your friend who you have a crush on likes martial arts better than you and starting martial arts to impress them but also being too lazy to join anything TOO intense is a Big Mood and I am certainly not speaking from personal experience here, no sirree

What’s your training montage song?

"Shut Up and Drive” by Rihanna for a weight-training and bicep-flexing montage, “Whatever It Takes” by Imagine Dragons for a more intense punching-and-kicking-shit montage. I don’t know why this is, I just feel it in my heart.

It’s the crossover event of the century! Which TV show are you combining with Cobra Kai for an hour-long Saturday night special?

*Briefly panics because I don’t actually watch that much TV and most of the stuff I do watch is fantasy/sci fi shit that absolutely would not work for a CK crossover*

Hmmmm okay but ACTUALLY

You know what would be fucking funny as hell would be an It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia crossover. Allow me to elaborate: ~The Gang goes to LA on vacation during the height of the Karate Dojo Wars. They literally can get barely anything done without all these goddamn karate-fighting teenagers getting in the way. ~They are all very annoyed by this. Even the most obscure of tourist attractions is eventually intercepted by karate fights. ~Mac tries to join Cobra Kai because he sees all this karate fighting on, and wants to unquestionably prove both his badassery and masculinity. Both Johnny and Kreese are like “Wtf are you doing here? Aren’t you like 30?” ~Mac gets a planet-sized crush on Johnny after all of 5 minutes and endlessly gushes to the gang about him. The gang mercilessly roast him about this and about how much of a pathetic loser with his life together in no way whatsoever Johnny sounds like. They proceed to have exactly 0 self awareness about this. ~The Waitress is in town visiting family or something, and Charlie is stalking her, as per usual. However, every time he’s about to go up and talk to her, a pack of battling Miyagi-Dos and Cobra Kais throwing punches and kicks everywhere blocks his path. One times, Mac is among one of these packs and Charlie is like “???? He didn’t get kicked out of that teen karate dojo yet???” ~Seeing how much the Kids These Days seem to like fighting, Charlie drops by a local high school to try and sell Fight Milk to the kids doing karate. Only Kyler and Brucks buy into it, and subsequently get the entire West Valley High wrestling team sick. Charlie is inevitably arrested, as Counselor Blatt thinks he’s selling the kids drugs. ~Dennis makes a plan to have sex with every hot chick he can in Los Angeles. He meets Ali on a dating app post-divorce, and inevitably tries to bang her. It doesn’t work. ~Frank crashes the rental car, and inevitably the gang ends up at one of Daniel’s dealerships. Dee quickly takes a liking to Daniel and is like “Watch, assholes--Imma homewreck this guy’s marriage.” She starts frequenting the dealerships to attempt to flirt with Daniel, until one day she walks in on him having sex with Johnny in a back room and she’s like “Is that the guy from Mac’s goddamn dojo?!?!” ~Dennis, of course, tries to sleep with Amanda. Amanda is not having it, and rebukes him in the most snarky, Amanda-esque way possible. Dennis is just like “Oh not AGAIN--the women in this goddamn diva city have too high of standards!” ~Later on, the gang is at the beach and Dennis spots the blonde lady he went out on an ill-fate date with, and decides to give it another shot--that is, until he sees her go up and kiss another woman and he’s like “IS THAT THE LADY FROM THE CAR DEALERSHIP??? STUPID-KARATE-KICK-COMMERCIAL’S WIFE?!? YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.” ~Dee complains to Dennis about her lack of luck getting laid, and Dennis is just like “Oh come ON, is everyone in Los Angeles gay???” Smash cut to Hawk and Demetri having sex, Moon and Piper making out, Bert and Nate holding hands, Chris and Mitch doing oral, and Amanda, Ali, and Carmen having a threesome. ~Frank tries to scam Kreese into buying cheaply-made karate equipment for his dojo. The gang ends up having to leave LA because Kreese is quite literally plotting all of their murders.

For tagging, uuuuhhhhhh @jackonthelongwalk @soe-leo @max-eagle-fang @cc-tinslebee @backawayfromthegay @asphodel-storm do the thing, if y’all haven’t yet!

#cobra kai #cobra kai season 1 #cobra kai season 2 #cobra kai season 3 #ck #tag game #binary boyfriends #daniel larusso #johnny lawrence #it's always sunny in philadelphia #iasip

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specter-speeder · 4 years

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here’s a bad but wholesome horror fic by yours truly (angst, fluff, and v lil gore)

In which Danny pulls some true Paranormal Activity sh*t on his family. Only kind of makes sense, but let me be amused by this concept, okay? Post-reveal. Do I even have to say no Phantom Planet?

“I am a ghost. Fear me.”

Danny started to feel it a few days after his parents had closed the portal. It was time for the ecto-filtrator to go - when Jack and Maddie had designed it, they hadn’t anticipated the size of the Ghost Zone and its post-human population. It saw more traffic than it could handle, thanks to Danny’s fatal slip-up. They’d been working on a new containment system for the ectoplasmic waste the portal produced with each ghost that breached it, but installation meant disabling the machine for an entire week.

Without his ghost fights, Danny had become restless quickly. That much he could manage. He knew what would come next, though, and he wouldn’t dare let on to his family. Since becoming a ghost, he’d only felt this starved a few times before. It was one of his inhuman qualities he hated the most. His ghost half was yearning for fear. It was making him ill. Gave him a reason to miss his class’s 3-day team-building retreat. He’d insisted to Sam and Tucker that he had things under control— he wanted to think he did. Now, Sam and Tucker were gone, and Danny was battling fevered sleep for most hours of the day. He’d never felt so drained.

Call it intuition; Jazz knew this wasn’t the flu. Danny didn’t used to insist on hiding it when he felt like crap. In fact, the Danny she grew up with wouldn’t stop whining about it whenever he was sick. This had to be a ghost thing. She wondered if her parents messing with the portal was somehow hurting him, but Danny wouldn’t budge. He wasn’t going to help her understand. She’d been dialing Sam and Tucker all day - straight to voicemail. She’d just poked her head into Danny’s room, only to find him awake in bed and glaring at her, when she felt her phone buzz. She tiptoed further down the hall and checked the caller ID: Sam Manson.

Next thing Danny knew, his mom, dad, and Jazz were creeping into his room, forcing sympathetic smiles. Sh*t, what now? Maddie placed her hand on his forehead, he swatted it away, eyes narrowed.

“How’re you feeling, sweetie?”

“The same. Why are—“

“You don’t have the flu.” Jazz interrupted. Danny clenched his jaw.

“Jazz, maybe we could talk about this privately?” he muttered.

Jack crossed his arms. “Don’t be mad at your sister. We’re worried, too.” Danny’s eyes met Jazz’s, questioning. She sighed.

“Sam told me everything.”

Danny scrubbed his hands over his face and groaned.

“I told her how bad you were, and she’s on my side. You need help.” He shook his head, glancing at his parents anxiously.

“Look, guys... you can’t help me. Just get the portal up and running and—“

“You need someone to be afraid.” Maddie stopped him, her voice clinical.

Danny stumbled over his words, trying to answer quickly. “If the portal’s working, the ghosts can—“

“Danny, it’s not close to being done.”

Jack nodded in agreement. “Your friend said it would work, so... we thought maybe, you could scare us.”

Danny’s ears rung. They shouldn’t have offered. Sam should have shut down Jazz’s stupid idea, for his sake. He didn’t want to say yes. He really, really didn’t want to say yes. He blinked.

“You mean... use my powers to...”

“We’ll know it’s only you, so... how bad can it be?”

Everything in him was urging him to take the offer, against his own wishes. He could already feel energy prickling on his spine, cooling him off. Relief.

“Are you sure?” He asked blankly. Maddie was too quick to answer.

“Of course.”

“Really sure?”

She nodded hesitantly. Jack didn’t look so convinced.

Danny took a deep breath, cold anticipation churning in his lungs. It was all he needed, and there was no going back now. With a loud electrical pop, his room was pitch black. He sunk underneath his bed and let himself transform, the typical bright flash weakened to a dull glow. All was quiet.

“Danny...?” Maddie ventured.

Phantom’s ghost form appeared in front of them in a flash, for a fraction of a second. Wide-eyed and mouth ajar, both glowing entirely green and oozing fog. Expressionless. Maddie jumped, and the Fentons were in the dark again.

The lights flickered on, but Danny’s room was different. His bed was stripped down to the mattress. All that remained on his shelves were his model rockets. His books, other trinkets, his trunk— everything was gone. Maddie felt her heart pounding in her chest, Jack was frozen, and Jazz’s eyes fluttered open cautiously.

“Where...?” Jack breathed, inching toward his wife.

Jack glanced toward the ceiling, but as soon as he saw it, it all fell. Danny’s books slammed to the floor. His trunk was the loudest, hitting the ground with a bang and toppling open, sending various balls and sports equipment bouncing with supernatural strength. Everything glowed a faint green. Before the objects settled, the Fentons were struck by Danny’s sheets and bedspread, flying toward them at what felt like 100 miles per hour. Jazz couldn’t help but scream.

The force had shoved them through Danny’s doorway. When they finally threw the bedding off, Danny’s door slammed shut in front of them, cracking the frame. Maddie eyed the railing just behind them. She’d been sure Danny wouldn’t hurt them, but another foot and they’d have been hurled over it. She wasn’t so convinced anymore. Could he blame her?

Jazz knew this was her idea, but she hated what she’d unleashed. She felt anger bubble at Sam. Was this supposed to be a punishment for caring about her brother? She thought they were beyond that. How often was Danny like this? Did his creepy girlfriend encourage it? She didn’t know much outside regretting she hadn’t tried harder for another solution.

“Away from the stairs. C’mon, away from the stairs!” Maddie urged, grabbing Jack and Jazz by their sleeves and cautiously tugging them down to the living room. She could’ve sworn they left the lights on, but everything was dim now save for the light of the setting sun drifting through the windows. The trio huddled close.

Static crackled as the television switched on. “—has residents questioning the whereabouts of the infamous Amity Park ghost, known by some as Phantom. Next, we’re live with—” The nightly news quickly cut to a vibrant green screen, accompanied by a reverberating, high-pitched ring. Jazz clasped her hands over her ears as it grew louder, piercing the air. It filled her with an unmistakable sense of dread, hopelessness.

“Mads…” Jack whispered, raising a shaking finger. They turned to face the windows. One by one, each vertical blind swayed slightly, an unseen force moving across them. It’s just Danny—she repeated the phrase over in her mind, grasping for a sense of calm. The movement stopped.

“Is it over?” Jack looked to Jazz. She shook her head unknowingly, eyes fixed on the window. She could see people outside. Neighbors who wouldn’t think a thing of ghost activity erupting from their home. Jack held his breath as Maddie caught hers. Her sense of calm was torn from her as soon as she’d found it.

The sound of snapping wood thundered from the blinds as they abruptly slammed shut, sending Jazz scrambling back. Jack caught her as she tripped over the carpet, hoisting her back onto her feet. The din from the television was deafening, its screen casting a green light on the entire room. Where Jazz had slipped lay a smudged pool of glowing ectoplasm, reflecting bright green. Maddie was the first to notice. Her head tilted upward slowly.

Danny hung upside-down, slack-jawed. Thick ectoplasm filled his mouth, dripping from his lips and empty eye sockets. His ribs jutted from his barely-opaque torso, a mangled mix of white and green disappearing into a ghostly tail. Gutted.

Jazz and Jack followed Maddie’s gaze, only catching a glimpse of the horrific form before it vanished completely. Maddie shrieked Danny’s name, a piercing combination of anger and terror.

“Sh*t!” Jack wrapped his arms around Maddie and reached for Jazz’s hand. The growing pool of ectoplasm on the floor bubbled and crept toward them, forcing them toward the kitchen. He shoved his family through the door and slammed it shut. It oozed through the frame.

The kitchen looked normal enough, but none of them dared move. The lights had been spared, and everything seemed to be in its place. After a few seconds of silence, every cabinet was thrown open at once, omitting a hideously loud slam. Maddie yelped and Jack grabbed her protectively, every hair on his neck standing up. Jazz leaned against the table, on the verge of tears.

With the last bang, it ended. Danny reappeared in the corner of the room. A quick white flash and he was his human self again, hands pressed against the walls to stabilize himself. He looked up at his wide-eyed family, panting. They looked scared of him. Of course they looked scared of him.

“What the f*ck, Danny!?” Jazz shrieked.

“Language!” Maddie chided.

Danny’s eyes flicked toward the cabinets, still ajar. He’d seen too many scary movies. He raised both hands defensively, shrinking against the wall.

“I won’t do it again. Promise.”

A beat of silence was broken by Jack’s deep, bellowing laugh.

“What’s so funny?” Jazz hissed.

Jack shook his head. “Look at ‘im!” Danny furrowed his brow.

“This kid did all that? I mean, who knew you had it in ya?”

Danny shrugged uncomfortably, averting his eyes.

“I know you’re a ghost, but c’mon!” Jack chuckled, wiping his eye.

Maddie took a step forward. Then, another. She wrapped Danny in her arms and ruffled his hair. “You’re okay.”

Jazz relaxed, her shoulders dropping. She’d agreed to be scared. And sure enough, Danny had f*cking scared her. Less than a minute into the ordeal she’d forgotten why she suggested it in the first place. Now, in their mother’s arms, he looked so normal.

“Feel better?” she asked softly.

“Yeah…” Danny huffed regretfully, “I do.”

“Never again.” Jazz insisted, pointing a threatening finger. Danny shuddered and crossed his heart.

“Alright, alright. Leave him alone,” Jack intervened, cracking himself up. “Mads, you should’ve seen your face!” Maddie rolled her eyes and released Danny.

“Oh, you scared me, alright. I thought you were going for the china.”

“It’s a good thing I was there, eh Danny-boy?” Jack elbowed his ribs. Danny raised an eyebrow.

“Honestly? I can’t back that up.”

“No, really? Did you see me flinch?” Danny stifled a smile.

Maddie chuckled. “Enough jokes, Jack.”

“Not once!” he bellowed. Maddie gave Danny a slap on the back.

“Okay, back upstairs.” He blinked incredulously.

“I’m not cleaning your room!”

“Tomorrow!” Danny insisted.

“Tomorrow.”

Jazz smiled. Yeah, they’d be alright.

Jack shook his head. “How’d we end up with a kid like you?” Danny grabbed a bag of chips from the open pantry, his appetite returning. He waved a hand dismissively as he disappeared into the living room.

“Same way you ended up with a portal to another dimension in the basement!”

#danny phantom #danny fenton #phic #danny phantom fanfiction #danny phantom fanfic #tumblr said i can't go in the tags with Swears #boo #this is the first fic i've posted!#i didn't edit it #but it's been boppin around my nog for a while #things i like:#danny is willing to destroy his room EXCEPT for his rockets those stay put!#jazz thinks sam knew this would be a mess and just let it happen anyway #all the horror movies sam made her buds watch came in handy for better or worse #maddie is able to spot danny needin a hug a mile away #if someone drew gooey gory danny scaring his family i would die #disclaimers:#re: first fic i've posted i don't know how to format fiction and 200% did it wrong #i tried to do what looked right lol #if you have something to say about this fic pls say it to me hi #deleted moment:#the fentons get competitive and make danny tell them who was scarediest #and danny’s just like uhhh idk i was kinda busy being horrifying #mine #fic

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kyloring95 · 5 years

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The Rise of Skywalker aka Ben Solo-Skywalker aka WE TOLD YA SO

Holy crap guys. We have a TITLE and a teaser trailer I did not expect! I tried to put my thoughts into words yesterday after the live stream of the panel but all I could successfully do was fangirl aggressively. So here is my completely unasked for opinions/reactions on THAT trailer.

We have an interesting set up here with Rey on this desert planet (Jakku, Tatooine, or maybe a new unknown planet?) she doesn’t seem worried/upset/panicked. It looks like she has done this before? Like she is preparing herself for something.

We hear Ben’s Silencer flying in the distance and not only does she ignite the legacy saber but she turns her back on Ben then she pauses listening then takes off like she is trying to time something just right and then does the most badass of all badass flips onto Ben’s Silencer. Side note: Ben never fires on her and he is ALONE. They aren’t fighting in this sequence. Nor do I think Ben is training per se...I think they are trying to coordinate a move just right before having to apply it to a fight. (TFA concept art anyone?)

The next frame is odd to me as I can’t place it nor do I have any idea as to which planet this is? Have we seen this one before? Or is this a new world we get to visit potentially in the unknown regions.

Oh my god LOOK at the cinnaren roll kicking ass here. Boi straight up clotheslines this dude (who suspiciously looks like the guy from Rey’s vision in TFA that he impales) this poor poor stunt man... This scene does remind me now of that section of vision in the TFA novelization. FYI if Ben tells Rey “I’ll come back for you sweetheart.” I will legit pass away my soul will leave my body and I will melt in the theater.

I want to know who they are fighting in this scene. CONTEXT damn it I need it!

Words can not describe how HAPPY I was to see Ben maskless. I came into this season of marketing fully expecting them to desperately try and make Kylo look like the big bad for IX and have his precious face covered by his mask but no they gave us MASKLESS BEN SOLO.

These. Are. Not. Ben’s. Hands.

These are not Chewie’s hands.

I want to know who.

I want to know why.

This does look similar to one of the leaks of one of the new alien characters that’s nameless right now. I am hoping that as time goes by we will get more to work with on this front.

Finn and Poe are looking fiiiiiine. Mmmm MMM mmm. I am LOVING everyone’s new looks.

Could they be on the same desert planet as Rey and Ben when she flips onto his Silencer?

Have they stumbled upon Rey and Ben’s meeting place and are watching her do that BADASS flip?

I need to know. I want to see an extra salty Poe talking to Rey in front of Ben all like “He tortured us Rey. You of all people should be against this!” and Rey can be all awkward and Ben can chime in “Torture? I didn’t torture her Dameron.” *dies laughing*

Lando and Chewie piloting the falcon just brought a wave of bittersweet emotions...

Are those stormtroopers using jetpacks like in the video games?!?!?!?! I am sooooooo excited to see if they are as thats the only time we have seen them!

Poe, Finn, and 3PO on a vehicle that reminds me of the ones used at Jabba’s palace.

Leia...oof... Carrie you are missed by so many.

This clip of her hugging Rey and Rey’s tears...my heart hurts.

The clip of Leia holding Han’s? Luke’s? medal...

Just hit me in the feels LF.

Look at Chewie.

Look at BB-8 and D-0.

Look at C3-PO.

And Poe.

And Finn.

And Rey.

They FINALLY get to go on an adventure together!

I am so ready to see the character dynamics in this film!

Also they found the remnants of the Death Star...

Sith relics?

What is on the Death Star that they need? Hmmmm

THIS COCKROACH

THIS SLIMY OLD MAN

THIS BASTARD THAT F*CKED WITH ANAKIN’S HEAD

THIS EVIL EVIL MAN THAT KILLED PADME THEN TOLD ANAKIN HE DID IT

THIS PIECE OF WRINKLED DEFORMED GARBAGE NEEDS TO STAY AWAY FROM MY SPACE FAMILY DAMN IT

I heard his cackle and wanted to vomit.

He literally makes me sick to my stomach.

Ben should finish what Anakin started and finally kill this walking talking piece of space Sith garbage.

Yes this is in here again because...how could I not put this here again? Look at that precious boi out to destroy people.

Last random thoughts.

Luke’s voiceover.

“We’ve passed down all we know. A thousand generations live in you now. But this is your fight. We’ll always be with you. No one’s ever really gone.”

So many possible meanings...

I am crossing my fingers and praying that he is talking to Ben or even Ben and Rey when he says this. JJ already said on the panel that the light and the dark would have to face the greatest evil (probably misquoting this rn but you know what I’m talking about) so this could be Luke giving them a talk about what they need to do. It also makes me think that multiple force ghosts? have given them knowledge of some kind that they need to use to defeat Palpatine once and for all.

ASLO Ben’s theme as the title is revealed only to sound hopeful and HOLY SMOKED THEY AREN’T EVEN TRYING TO BE SUBTLE WITH THAT MUSIC OR THAT TITLE.

Alright everyone that’s all I have for now. Hope you enjoyed my cluster f*ck mess that is my blog post.

#bendemption #reylo #the rise of ben skywalker #the rise of skywalker #episode ix #that trailer though #someone get me life alert #words cant describe what this feels like #we have content again #let the over analyzing begin #jj abrams #rian johnson #the true mvps #the first reylos

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loplainlointhemorning · 5 years

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@itunkala-okicita tagged me and I’m super super super sad so thank u honey ❤️

What Are You Currently Listening To?

The Doors, Patti Smith, and Leonard Cohen primarily.

Do you listen to music every day?

Yes, of course.

What band do you always come back to?

The Stooges!!!!

What are your favorite songs right now?

Kimberly- Patti Smith

Back Door Man- The Doors

I’m Your Man- Leonard Cohen

Famous Blue Raincoat- Leonard Cohen

I’m A Boy I’m A Girl- Johnny Thunders

What’s your Spotify?

bluejean1947 but I hate Spotify so

Three favorite genres?

Punk, alternative, original glam

Favorite albums of all time?

The Rise And Fall Of Ziggy Stardust And The Spiders From Mars- David Bowie

Hunky Dory- David Bowie

Raw Power- The Stooges

Unplugged In New York- Nirvana

Live Through This- Hole

The Blue Album- The Beatles

Velvet Goldmine Soundtrack

Rid Of Me- PJ Harvey

Placebo- Placebo

Favorite song lyrics:

“Every time that I stare into the sun, angel dust and my dress just comes undone, every time that I stare into the sun, be a model or just look like one”

“No one knows she’s Hester Prynn, someone please tell Anne Boelynn, chokers are back in again”

“Get well soon, please don’t go any higher how are you so burned when you’re barely on fire?”

“I found my nest of salt, everything is my fault, so I take all the blame, I concede from shame”

“ I just want you to know I don’t hate you anymore, there is nothing I can say that I haven’t thought before”

“Amazes me the will of instinct”

“I’d put stars at your feet, put Mars at your head”

“Been lookin at the moon she’s so bright, she’s so bright, she’s so clean, I’m telling you she’s everything I give it all my starry eyes, give just anything she’s got me so mesmerized”

“Tell you my name, F-U and CK”

“Sit down beside me, there’s something I got to ask you. I just want to know, what are you gonna do for me I mean are you going to liberate us girls from male white corporate oppression? Come on, don’t be shy. I just want you to know we can still be friends...Fear of a female planet?”

“Little sister sky is falling, I don’t mind, I don’t mind, little sister the fates are calling on you”

“It was as if someone spread butter on all the fine points off the stars cause when the boy looked up, they started to slip”

“New York is cold but I like where I’m living, there’s music on Clinton Street all through the evening”

“She feeds you tea and oranges that come all the way from China”

“THE SOUND OF HER YOUNG LEGS IN STOCKINGS- YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT WE’RE TALKING ABOUT!”

“There is always suffering, it flows through life like water”

“There’s a Devil lyin by your side, you may think he’s asleep, but look at his eyes, he wants you baby to be his bride, there’s a Devil lyin by your side”

“People often talk about being scared of change, but me I’m more afraid of things stayin the same, cause the game is never won by stayin in any one place for too long”

“London Calling- Yes I was there too! And you know what they said? Well some of it was true! London Calling At the top of the dial- And after all this, won’t you give me a smile?”

“A table made of wood, how I wish you would, fall in love with me”

“Candy says, I’d like to know completely what others so discreetly talk about”

“Jackie was just speedin away, thought she was James Dean for a day, then I guess she had to crash, Valium would’ve helped that bash”

“I wish I was born a thousand years ago, on a great big clipper ship, goin from this land here to that, oh in a sailor’s suit and cap”

“There’s nothing in my dreams but some ugly memories, kiss me like the ocean breeze”

ive already done too many oh my god they’re endless

Songs that describe your life right now?

Touch Me I’m Sick- Mudhoney

Jesus Of The Moon- The Bad Seeds

Kiss Off- The Violent Femmes

I’m A Boy, I’m A Girl- Johnny Thunders

Candy Says- The Velvet Underground

Heroin- The Velvet Underground

Always Crashing In The Same Car- David Bowie

Fall In Love With Me- Iggy Pop

A song that gets you through shit?

No Fun- The Stooges

A song to shut everything out?

Hot One- Shudder To Think

A song for when you’re lonely?

The Passenger- Iggy Pop

i tag:

@wherearemyelephants @lionslove @fledgelingsart @joestrummershowl

#aberdeen spoken word #this was so long i got stuck on some great lines

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alex-baebae · 6 years

Text

Immaculate

Chapter 1

Pairing: TOP X READER

Our world, maybe no one could believe what happened to humanity. You must be thinking 'c'mon' my world is even worse than yours, but believe ours is worse.

Yeah your planet and ours are the same, what day is today? Have you seen it on your smartphone's screen? Tell me the year... 2014 maybe? 2020 is more accurate? Well whatever, today in our time is April 12th year? 2102.

Our world is strange, the technology stopped its development hundred years ago. As you probably can see humans have created lots of things, some useful, another ones for satisfy their dirty desires, and others which just destroy more and more, most of these have been doing harm not only to people but the whole environment.

At some point humans understood that was not the best path to chose so they stopped creating new things which aren't needed for a healthy life for example massive destruction weapons, televisions, smartphones and so on. You know, you don't need a really smart television to live.

However there was also something that frustrate people's intention to return to mother nature as pollution, non eco-friendly ways of life and of course the 'robotic' sex dolls. Crazy, isn't it? I'll explain you quickly; these sex dolls are like humans, they have same capabilities, skills also they look as normal humans but of course they're 'programmed' to satisfy certain necessities.

I've been searching for information about them nevertheless at some point I got sick so I stopped, could you believe that they are more humans than robots? It's like a mix of 10% robot and 90% humans. Lots of things happen to the sex dolls... Some are found in garbage cans, other are found killed with violence, how people can be so cruel?... They think, they feel also, people know that. They are not just 'programmed' like a computer, yeah you're right, they're brainwashed. In past times people used to buy them, use them, and finally they throw them out because they get bored, this situation was pretty common since at some point 'sex-dolls' started to be cheaper. Nowadays 'sex-dolls' are brutally killed or threw out, unfortunately they're not able to survive by themselves. Now as statistics point out the number of 'alive' sex-dolls is lower and lower.

...

I was going home after a tired day at University. The pollution is still very visible if you look at sky, that's why government is planting lost of trees. However while air quality is still not good we all should wear face masks. "What a day at varsity" I thought. I was walking through the street unworried suddenly "Please..." I heard from somewhere into a small bunch of trees, I looked around until my eyes meet a strange humanoid figure, I go towards the figure. "Are you ok?" I said "help... me... Please" It was a man. He looked so weak and dehydrated "what the hell!?" I said to myself.

"Hey, what the f*ck!? Are you alright?" I run into him as I saw how hard it was for him to stand up "please, please" he said repeatedly. I took my water bottle and helped him to drink some, then I tried to help him to stand up "are you what they call, angel? Could you please take me to heaven? How is it? Is as good as they say?" I was shocked "I don't want to be here anymore, please take me with you, I'll give you whatever you want... Well actually I cannot give you more than..." He was talking nonsense "they say that's dirty, and you, angels are pure" I was trying hard to not let him fall into the ground "sorry after all I'm dirty cannot give you..." In that moment he started to cough hard "shh, shh I'll help you, just try to walk you're so heavy" I said so panicked.

After five minutes he was at my flat, I was trying to feed him, he looked so vulnerable as a little baby, then I realized that many people have walked through the street at he was just threw out as electronic garbage. Nobody have helped him although it is a very crowded street I also thought about that someone who have leave him alone in that hot weather. Then I realized something he was one of those dolls he had the 'code of product' tattooed on his right wrist.

I was so angry I just want to go outside and found that stupid person and give them a kick on their... That's not the matter now, he's my priority now so I tried to keep calm.

"How do you feel now?" There was no answer, he was eating and looking at me with puppy eyes "can you understand what I'm saying?" I asked again while I approached the full of purée and meat spoon to his lips, he nodded.

"I'll take care of you, don't worry" he didn't answer "I'll give you more food if you are still hungry" I said "but now you should take a shower, you are dirty" he looked at me with fear and covered his face with his arms "no, no please" he said "oh, don't be worried, I'm not going to harm you" I tried to reach one of his arms but the he cried a little "no, no please I'll be good I promise" he almost yelled.

Hope you like, see ya soon ❤️

Alex

#choi seunghyun #t.o.p #fanfiction #bigbang #kpop #bigbangxreader #choi seunghyun x reader #t.o.p x reader #kpop x reader #kpop stories

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orderoftheavengers · 6 years

Photo

Accio War Machine!

Summary: Gryffindor Prefect, turned into a merman

House: Gryffindor

Species: Merman, formerly human

Blood Status: Pureblood

Broom: Hijacked one of Tony's earlier models

Wand: Rowan, 16 inches, unicorn tail hair

Patronus: Greyhound

Specialty: Flying, Defense Against the Dark Arts, Transfiguration

Sorting

"Hold the freaking phone," cries out Albus Severus Potter. "So Hawkeye, and original Avenger and Order of the Shield Agent, is in Hufflepuff, and Bucky Barnes, who joined the army and defended dweeb Rogers and held his own under torture multiple times, is also a Hufflepuff, but this generic sidekick is a Gryffindor? What's your logic on that one, Hat?"

The Sorting Hat takes a long swig from its flask of Firewhisky, and clears its throat with a long belch. "My logic, Four-Eyes, is that I sort by defining traits. Hakweye is first and foremost a family guy. Becoming a secret agent takes balls, but he's still not front of the line. He's fighting from a distance. And he's too much of a one-trick pony to be a Ravenclaw. And as for Barnes, he's too much of a freaking cinnamon roll to be anywhere but Hufflepuff. Rhodes on the other hand is first and foremost a soldier--even when there's no war going on."

Green-haired Teddy Lupin throws in, "But he's a flying soldier! He fights from a distance like Hawkeye!"

"But he doesn't get to hide like Hawkeye," the Hat argues. "He's out there in the sky, like an X-Wing pilot, and he's doing that with no special abilities sans his equipment. And if he's in the middle of a drunken civil war, he'll probably pick his side based on his chivalrous duties, rather than his personal feely loyalties. He stands up to his best friend a lot better than most people, and that's including people whose best friend isn't Tony Stark!"

Hawkeye protests, "But I stand up to my friends! ...when....when I'm part of a whole team that's standing up to another team....'kay." He quietly sits down.

"Know what I think?" Rose Potter says. "I think Hufflepuff and Gryffindor are pretty much the same house, except you put all the badasses in Gryffindor and all the fluff-potatoes in Hufflepuff."

"Well aren't you clever," the Hat snaps.

Under the hat, a patient James Rhodes asks flatly, "Can I go to my table now?"

"Yes. You're in Gryffindor. Get lost!"

"Don't mind if I do."

An Unlikely, But Very Necessary Friendship

James Rhodes came from a long line of Gryffindors and Aurors, and was more than eager to carry on the family tradition. By fifth year he was a Prefect, and, due to his superior sense of responsibility and common sense, Head of Gryffindor House (over Cap and Thor!)

Not content to simply fight with Slytherins like Harry Potter, Rhodey took on the Herculean task of befriending and talking sense into the Serpent House's most insufferable and unstable member. (Edit from Tony Stark: "T'hehe, 'member!'") Rhodey wound up becoming a Bloody Baron to Tony Stark's Peeves. As it happened, Tony already had a Gryffindor study partner named Happy Hogan, but even Happy failed to be much more of a yesman to Tony.

An Unlikely, But Very Necessary Ass-Whooping

When Tony began using his broom and wand whist intoxicated, endangering his fans, Pepper tattled to Rhodey. Rhodey, knowing that the Hogwarts adult staff was still as incompetent as it had been for the last thousand years, didn't bother alerting any teachers, and simply hopped onto a table with his wand out, declaring, "Party's over. Tony, get off you're broom, or I'll get up there and knock you off, with your other broom."

Tony slurred at his friend, “Only I can summon any of my brooms!”

Rhodey raised his wand and said flatly, “Accio War Machine.”

“Who the f*ck is War Machi--?” Tony was cut off when the end of the silver broomstick arrowed into his forehead, sending him off his own broom and against the wall.

Rhodey explained from where he hovered aboard War Machine, “I had a chat with this broom a while back, and it likes me better. It’s not a Stark Broom anymore.” "You're dead to me, Mark-2!" Tony slurred, shaking a fist at the silver, bristly traitor. Rhodey ordered calmly, "Give up, and sober up."

“F*ck you!” Tony drunkenly waved his wand at his friend. "I'll shrink that big Black broom of yours, Rhodey! Er.... what's the opposite of 'engorgio?" Rhodey dodged the spell Tony unintentionally set off, which wound up hitting Scott Lang (in ant form) and causing him to grow into an ant large enough to crash through Rosmertta's roof. Rhodey and Tony then dueled. Rhodey won, and Rosmertta threw Tony out of her bar. The two wound up making up, and Rodey felt bad to learn that Tony had thought he was dying at the time of that duel, but Tony still also had to feel bad about endangering other people's lives like that. The two completely got over the fight, and were on speaking terms again and fighting together by the end of the week. When asked what the secret to maintaining a friendship after such a violent fight, Rhodey replied, "There are several factors that come into play. Like, the ass-whooping and scolding being deserved. And leaving the ass-whopped friend in his warm castle, rather than, say, f*ck-freezin Siberia. And apologizing with your own words, instead of syrupy cliches."

"For chrissake, am I EVER gonna live that down?" Steve Rogers screamed. "We were all drunk and high and playing Quidditch with literal Idiot Balls! Galdalf's dick, I saved Vision and Wanda how many times, I called Tony Earth's best defender, and I said 'I am Steve Rogers!' WHAT THE F*CK DO YOU WANT FROM ME? And for your information, every time I shed a tear, a bald eagle DIES!" He then left the Gryffindor commonroom's lobby and made his way up to the boy's dormitory, slamming the door behind him. Cosmetic Magic

While Rhodes was normally great at standing his ground, he did occasionally let Tony talk him into drinking underage. In a drunken confession, Rhodes complained, "I want a cosmetic magic makeover. I'm sick of looking like that dumb stupid tool from 'Crash.'"

Tony nodded. "You wanna look like your own unique person."

"No, I wanna look like the badass guy from 'Crash!'"

Rhodey eventually got his wish, and was literally unrecognizable to everyone until they heard Tony call him "Rhodey." They quickly got used to the new Rhodey though, and soon found the old one waving irritably in older (wizarding) photographs, and flipping "new Rhodey" the bird.

Loss of Legs

During a fiasco Quidditch match, Rhodey took a badly-aimed and drunkenly-worded spell from none other than Vision. No one, even Vision, knows what spell the humanoid Care Bear was attempting to cast, or which one he did end up casting; only that Rhodey was irreversibly transformed into a merman. Tony fretted and angst over his BFF being unable to walk, trying on clamshell bras, combing his hair with silverware, and singing about his collection of "human stuff."

Despite all the bad blood, Rhodey was not bothered at all when Steve Rogers and others apparated into the Gryffindor commonroom. (While Rhodey had graduated, he'd already had a summer internship lined up with the Flying department.) Rhodey had been in the middle of a fireplace phone-call with Professor Thaddeus Ross, the Head and embarrassment of Gryffindor House. Ross said some angry things at the Cap, that no one remembers, because Ross is a tool who no one wastes time listening to. And Rhodey was only happy to see everyone, Cap included, because that horribly mis-managed drunken brawl didn't deserve any more continuity nods than absolutely necessary, as far as Rhodey was concerned.

King T'Challa, on the other hand, Rhodey had a wee bit of bitter sass for.

“It’s too bad I don’t know a Brother with lots of money and influence, from the most advanced wizarding country in the world, in the Mother Land, that just announced they want to share their advanced magic with the rest of the planet! It's too bad there's no king around like that, who could commission his genius little sister to help a Brother get his legs back!”

"Alas, 'tis not that simple," the king sighed."

“WHY THE F*CK NOT?"

"Alas," T'Challa sighed again, and the scene changed.

Wand, Patronus, etc.

Rhodey's wand is Rowan, a very strong European wood associated with defense against malevolent forces, and guiding the lost. Unicorns are quiet, elegant creatures associated with chivalry and royalty, known for both aiding people and whooping their asses clean off. Ditto for his Patronus, the Greyhound. The Patronus's species goes beyond the whole "loyal BFFs are dogs" and Rhodey being tall and skinny; Greyhounds are hunting dogs, that fought with and befriended royalty. They are specifically known for their speed and eyesight, which are both traits of an Air Force member Flyer.

While Slytherin Tony flies around on Gryffindor colors, Gryffindor Rhodey's broom is a greenish-silver. The two of them enjoy using each other's House colors, to f*ck with people.

A/N: But seriously, why HASN'T Black Panther helped fix Rhodey's paralysis yet?

#james rhodes #rhodey #gryffindor #hogwarts house #merman #chibi #smol #iron man #avengers #marvel #mcu #potterverse #hogwarts au

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aminellelia-blog · 6 years

Text

Fifty Shades of Grey Parody

This is my very first Tumblr post. I originally wrote this parody last year and posted it on Fanfiction.net, but now I decided to share it here too. If you like Fifty Shades of Grey I recommend you don’t read this story. It’s making fun of it to the fullest extent, because I really don’t like it.

All characters that aren’t part of the original story are covered in bold.

Enjoy!

We pan over Seattle. Bella-err, Anastasia Steele (not sure if it's supposed to be a subtle take on a sex toy) is a cute, clumsy, virginal, college student living there, trying to embody as many of the average female viewers as possible. Spoiler alert: she's less relatable than Bella Swan, which is ironic considering where her flatness originated from.

ANASTASIA'S BOTTOM LIP: OH. EM. GEE. I'm going to be a star!

KATE: Bella, I'm sick, so you'll have to interview that super, hot, sexy, although-kind-of-rapey-but-excused-because-he's-hot guy I was going to interview.

ANASTASIA: I've seen enough porn to know where this is going. YES! I've always wanted to say that line where it made sense.

KATE: Don't push it, girl. You're just interviewing him.

ANASTASIA: And I'm getting a piece of that.

AUDIENCE: Have all innocent-minded asexuals in the world miraculously moved to Mars?

Anastasia finds the bigass building owned by Edward Christian Cullen Grey. Huh, last time I watched *Secretary* he just owned a small office. Blown-up barbie human dolls meet her and is led to the predator's office. Ana, run. RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN, ya dense cow. To be cute, she stumbled over the flat threshold, which I have no idea how you possibly can.

CHRISTIAN: That's so adorable. Wanna have sex?

ANASTASIA: Sex is a tea flavor, right?

CHRISTIAN: Hominah. My name is Christian Grey. While you're on your knees anyway, suck my cock, hoe.

ANASTASIA: What an interesting euphemism for interview. My name is Anastasia St-pff! My friend is sick with the flu and asked me to come here being your next victim in her place. Though, I don't know how a man with toddler eyes could be dangerous.

CHRISTIAN: A slut's mouth shouldn't be moving more than necessary, so get on with your 10-minute interview.

ANASTASIA: Aight. Here's a question every sane viewer asks: How come you are so much richer at a younger age than Mark Zuckerberg was despite not doing shit?

CHRISTIAN: OMG, you stupid, f*cking bitch. How dare you ask me a good question. I can't believe your insolence. Kill yourself.

ANASTASIA: Well?

CHRISTIAN: It's not very relevant, is it? What is relevant is my filthy rich viper up your low-class clam shell.

ANASTASIA: Vipers and clam shells?

CHRISTIAN: Trust me, when it comes to the themes in this film, those are really the best metaphors.

ANASTASIA: Yeah, then...what is your interest outside of work?

CHRISTIAN: Didn't I already answer that? Enough with your audacity. Give me an actual question, if your inferior-to-men mind can afford that, you filthy lowlife.

ANASTASIA: Are you gay? Ain't I cute, reading and spitting out whatever before thinking.

CHRISTIAN: Another good question. What the hell is wrong with you?

ANASTASIA: Morton's Fork is at play, I see.

CHRISTIAN: If you must know, no.

ANASTASIA: Are you a self-serving asshole?

CHRISTIAN: Finally something relevant. Yes, I am. Now, do you have a question you want to ask me instead of your friend's?

ANASTASIA: You've spent this time insulting me and then you ask for my viewpoint. Heh. Okay.

CHRISTIAN: Shut it, hole-to-please-men. I just want to pry and see if you're up for sitting upon this lance or not. Let me give you subtle suggestiveness about it.

ANASTASIA: … You said you're an asshole. Why do I get the feeling that's not true?

AUDIENCE: Because you're numb in the upper story?

A secretary comes in and interrupts the so-called interview. More like a director-to-actor conversation.

SECRETARY: Mr. Grey, you have a meeti-

CHRISTIAN: Are you serious? We only talked for four minutes!

SECRETARY: OH! Yeah. Sorry. My bad. *Leaves*

CHRISTIAN eyes ANASTASIA with a creepy intensity that would rival Hugh Hefner's erection.

CHRISTIAN: I can't be standin' my stupid bitches. At least you seem bland, and that be good enough for me. How about finishin' your finals, then you becomin' my bottom bitch?

ANASTASIA: Throwing away my promising potential future career for becoming a mindless sex slave to a guy who can't stop staring down my vag? I'll think about it. It'll most likely be yes. Who am I kidding, it's yes. Otherwise there would be no plot to speak of.

AUDIENCE: In this case, it would be a good thing.

CHRISTIAN does the rarest thing next to platinum, being an actual gentleman walking ANASTASIA to the elevator. When she walks in, he steals the sheet with questions from her papers without her noticing.

CHRISTIAN: Joinkity-joink!

ANASTASIA walks out, where it conveniently rains. That sex joke was old 20 years ago.

ANASTASIA: Holy Hindu's Cow, that insulting business man made me cream myself, oh so help me. I'm gonna domesticate dat ass.

ANASTASTIA'S VAGINA: Finally, I get to see the light of day!

ANASTASIA'S BOTTOM LIP: LET'S WORK TOGETHER TO TAME HIM!

ANASTASIA'S VAGINA: YAY!

ANASTASIA'S BRAIN: Can I join the party, too?

ANASTASIA'S CLIT: Shove it, punk.

ANA goes home to her and KATE's dorm. KATE is sitting writing their report-thingamajig upon her arrival.

KATE: So how was he?

ANA: Polite, clean, courteous… oh, who am I kidding, he was a douchebag.

KATE: EEEEEE I SHIP IT SO HARD! … did you f*ck?

ANA: Heck, no! I think it will take time getting his misogyny to consent to that. By the way, that "gay" question, total dick move.

KATE: We as a society have to know everything, we can't leave it alone, we have to know every single detail.

ANA: Stop sounding like the 4chan community.

KATE steals ANA'S sandwich she was making.

ANA: You motherf*ck-, you just don't steal sandwiches! You just don't, EVER! Never mind, I will try to get one with the toppings of Grey's mojo… wait did I say that out loud? Holy crap crappity crap crap inner goddess subconscious!

KATE: OMG FAVORITE SHIP OF ALL TIME.

AUDIENCE: … planet Earth sucks.

ASEXUALS: Told ya so!

We get a montage of ANA going to class and meeting her friend JOSÉ when she goes on her way to work.

JOSÉ: Hey, uh… I love you and care about you. I'll show this by being genuinely courteous and caring.

ANA: I'm sorry, but I'm into dicks who want to hurt me by sticking giant Hitachi Magic Wands up my butt. See ya!

JOSÉ: … I can do that, too…

AUDIENCE: DUDE. NO. IT AIN'T WORTH IT.

FAN AUDIENCE: Even we agree.

ANASTASIA gets to her work shift and her phone rings; it's her mother stating she's not coming to her graduat-*yawn* this is not relevant to a wiener pushed up a cooch, so who honestly watching this drivel would give a flying fladoodle? We want action, dammit!

AUDIENCE: Not that we're expecting any worth jacking off to.

CHRISTIAN: *stalking*

ANA: *sees him* Holy shit… I'm so turned on right now.

CHRISTIAN: Pleasant meeting you, future slav- I mean, Ms. Steele…-y Dan. That will be your pet name, oh yeah.

ANA: Just Ana. If you're going to continue stalking me, at least don't be too polite.

AUDIENCE: Yeah, except he was already out of that game to begin with by stalking you. And by being an asshole. And by raping you with his eyes.

CHRISTIAN: Fyi, my sweet ragmuffin, I'm actually here on business. *cough*excepti'mactuallynotandiactuallywantdatass*cough*

ANA: What can I help you with?

CHRISTIAN: Give me some rap- err, rope to strangl- I mean, tie you up- I mean, use erotic asphyxation for- I mean…

ANA: Rope?

CHRISTIAN: … Yeah, rope. Just plain "rope". Let's go with that…

More useless dialogue… Putting in random Tom & Jerry skits would tell the story better.

CHRISTIAN: *senseless flirting*

ANA: *holy-crap-he-talks-to-lil'-ol'-me-blush*

FAN AUDIENCE: Squeeee!111 OMG HE SOH SEXEHH!

AUDIENCE: Quiet! I'm trying to think of a way to excuse myself out of watching this.

FAN AUDIENCE: You just don't get it!

AUDIENCE: Uh, yeah, we do. We really do, pumpkin.

ANA: Thank you for buying at Clayton's, please come again have a great day, bye mmkay!

CHRISTIAN: Here's my phone number. I'm saying I'm offering original photos for your report by giving you this, but it's actually rapist-ese for "I want to penetrate your posterior".

ANA: Thanks come again. *he leaves, beat* I would masturbate now, but I'm so virginal and mentally 12-years old I don't even know how to.

AUDIENCE: Seriously? Just… seriously? Did you get an African circumcision or something?

The poopshoot-photo shoot happen fiddiddlediddlydoo. Of course, he asked her for coffee afterwards, like, the biggest shock since Donald Trump messing up as president… in case you don't get it, not shocking.

CHRISTIAN: Is José your boyfriend?

ANA: No.

CHRISTIAN: Is Paul your boyfriend?

ANA: No.

CHRISTIAN: Then no one will protect you from my sword's impending wrath. Perfect.

ANA: ?

AUDIENCE: The possessive streak isn't a warning signal.

FAN AUDIENCE: Dude, what the hell are you on about?

AUDIENCE: We're just counting the million things not inside Ana's brain. This is one of them, right behind sexual education and common sense.

FAN AUDIENCE: Dude, shut the f*ck up.

AUDIENCE: Nope. You get entertained by this, we get entertained by our thoughts. Win-win.

They go out for coffee. He would much rather do other things involving coffee with her, and I ain't talking about drinking it.

ANA: Woah, scolding hot.

CHRISTIAN: And I would ejaculate if it were all over you burning your skin and making you scream in pain- err, I mean, blow on it. Not just on it, but on my-

ANA: I find you intimidating.

CHRISTIAN: Clever hawk.

ANA: I also find you a high-maintenance obsessed jerk.

CHRISTIAN: Then why do you find me interesting?

ANA: The plot wants me to.

CHRISTIAN: Oh, right. So anyway, your family, what are they like? They must be just as interesting and colorless as you. (Finally got that pesky getting-to-know-her-question out of the way…)

ANA: My dad Ray is cool, and my mom is a romanti-

CHRISTIAN: Jab, jab jab. You?

ANA: Am I romantic? I'm an English major, so yes, I am. Because you have to be a linguist to be able to be passionate with words, and your entire personality hinges on your occupation. Also, this is a complete lie. I'm not romantic. I can't be if I'm lusting after you. But I like to think I am.

CHRISTIAN: *ahw shiet look* I can't deal with delusional dumbasses right now. Come, I'll walk you out, you can't do it yourself.

ANA: Because I'm so stupid?

CHRISTIAN: No, because you're a girl.

AUDIENCE: 100 million. 100 million dollars… *sob*

They go outside for the closest thing this movie can have for DRAMA. The scene is a bigger insult to the word than Ana's wet stain in her panties.

ANA: Look, if you have a girlfriend…

CHRISTIAN: I don't. I'm just going to pretend to have a shred of humanity in me by giving you one last warning that I'm everything you can't want, not that moronic girls like you like bad boys and will want to come back to them. Because this movie likes degrading women and making men into domineering overlords, in case you couldn't tell.

ANA: …OMG I'm going to sob and think about you and watch Nicholas Sparks films while eating chocolate ice-cream and be such a chick about it OMG boohoo! *runs off*

CHRISTIAN: …dammit, I'm horny now. Better find a prostitute.

AUDIENCE: I hope to find something to jack off to myself. Like the bicycle that just ran by and almost hit Ana in the shot.

FAN AUDIENCE: Jeez, you're still going?

ANA and KATE finished their exams and now they're going to party, because assuming you got passed in an exam without knowing first is cause for celebration. And, of course, along with being virginal like a rock in space without the company of another rock, she gets completely plastered. Aww, ain't that just the cutest thing ever?

AUDIENCE: When Rock Lee did it, yes.

FAN AUDIENCE: But, he destroyed everything in his path when drunk?

AUDIENCE: Exactly.

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: Let's up our game in cuteville.

ANA: *not having yet deleted him as contact for some reason, calls Christian* :D

CHRISTIAN: *picks up* Hello?

ANA: Hello. So, uh, this is my cute call to say I need you, man. Dude, I love you. Get over here so we can continue this plot already, you sexy fox. You're so bossy, tho. You need to stop being so controlling, I'm my own woman and I'll get what I want, and that is your dong in my throat.

AUDIENCE: Normally you become stupid when drunk, but she must be so stupid it goes the opposite way or something.

CHRISTIAN: Is this a booty call?

ANA: It's whatever you want it to be, baby. *hangs up*

JOSÉ comes out for the matter-of-time rejection scene with Ana as she has gone outside.

JOSÉ: I love you. Let's kiss.

ANA: No. I don't wannnaaaaa…

JOSÉ: No equals yes equals no equals yes equals no equals yes. Even numbers! That means you want to swallow my tongue. Let's get to it.

CHRISTIAN intervenes and pushes him away, trying to be a knight in shining armor, but since he is who he is, it's more like a kidnapping from the real knight in shining armor by comparison.

CHRISTIAN: Back off man, she's my future rape victim. Get your own.

JOSÉ: *rejected nice guy cockerspaniel eyes* *Leaves*

CHRISTIAN: Let's get you to my apartment.

ANA: No, thanks. I'm with Kate.

CHRISTIAN: I ordered my brother Elliot to go "Date Kate, she's willin'!"-

(A/N: I apologize for that reference, dear folks, but I have to maintain my sanity somehow)

CHRISTIAN: -because siblings are my bitches, too. You're coming with me now, I won't take no for an answer, you're useless by yourself.

ANA: *intimidated* Okay.

AUDIENCE: Crazy f*ck.

FAN AUDIENCE: Aww, he cares about her.

AUDIENCE: I'm pretty sure taking somebody home in hopes of screwing the shit out of them wouldn't fall under the "caring" category in the average dictionary.

FAN AUDIENCE: …is there an off switch on you?

AUDIENCE: So no one with actual brains can sarcastically comment on this to others amusement and make them want to kill themselves less? What do you think, genius?

Ana wakes up in Christian's apartment the next morning. Without even seeing him, hearing him, smelling him or using any of the other five main senses, he's already giving her orders in poor Alice in Wonderland references on the bedside table.

ALICE IN WONDERLAND REFERENCE: I'm only in it for the money.

ANA: Oh my God, an odd moment of out-of-characterness (the most I can have, anyway) makes me realize waking up like this is creepy. I mean, I'm undressed. And where did you sleep?

CHRISTIAN: Next to you.

ANA: OH. MY. GOD.

CHRISTIAN: Don't worry, necrophilia is not my thing.

ANA: What's that got to do with anything?!

CHRISTIAN: … *sigh* I didn't have sex with your sleeping body.

ANA: Why didn't you just say so? What the hell did you mention necrophilia for?

AUDIENCE: Because E.L. James and Sam-Taylor Johnson feel so smug that they know a complicated word they forgot to look up the actual meaning behind it.

ANA'S SUBCONSCIOUS: Don't worry, that's kind of their thing.

CHRISTIAN: *throws toast at Ana* EAT.

ANA: NO. *throws it back*

CHRISTIAN: I ain't playing catch *throws it back* EAT.

ANA: *succumbs, takes a bite*

CHRISTIAN: I'm picking up new clothes for you, too. The ones you wore looked like shit.

ANA: Because I puked on them?

CHRISTIAN: Yeah, that too. *takes off shirt for absolutely no reason*

ANA'S VAGINA: Hominah hominah hominah hominah

FAN AUDIENCE: HELL YEAH, WE'RE FINALLY IN FOR KINKY STUFF!

AUDIENCE: Kill me…

CHRISTIAN'S ABS: Hey, baby, wanna go back to my place?

ANA'S CLIT: You bet your ass I wanna!

CHRISTIAN'S ABS: Cool. Let's just hope our hosts agree.

ANA'S CLIT: GDAMMIT.

ANA'S BRAIN: LOL!

ANA'S CLIT: STFU

ANA: Why did you take me here?

CHRISTIAN: Haven't I made that clear a million times already? I can't leave your sexy pooper alone, because I wanna do it.

ANA: …then don't. Leave it alone, I mean.

ANA'S CLIT: LOL!

ANA'S BRAIN: STFU

CHRISTIAN: You don't understand… oddly enough. I'm into BDSM. I like hardcore spanking-your-ass-til-you-bleed kink. I'm not into romance, I only like the aspects coming from it. You wouldn't be able to handle it.

ANA: Wanna bet?

CHRISTIAN: …50 bucks?

ANA: Deal. But I'll have to work first. Let's meet at 7 pm.

CHRISTIAN: 'Kay.

ANA'S BOTTOM LIP: *attention whoring*

CHRISTIAN: I'd like to bite that lip.

AUDIENCE: *snort laugh* I'm sorry, that's… just… beautiful. This would make an awesome comedy film. Just leave out the violent abuse, and you've got material better than Adam Sandler's.

CHRISTIAN: But I want you to write consent to that.

ANA: Ok.

AUDIENCE: *ROARING LAUGHTER*

FAN AUDIENCE: What's so funny? Lip-biting may be classified as rape in Wyoming!

They go to the elevator to take Ana home, with the latter doing some more cute lip-biting.

CHRISTIAN: That's a dealbreaker!

AND SEXY MAKEOUT TIEMZ ARE HAD LMAO.

They get to Ana's apartment and MORE SEXY TIEMZ ARE HAD… by Kate and Elliot, that is.

FAN AUDIENCE: Oh, come ON! When are the things we paid for coming?

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: Patience. If we made it shorter, the movie would be cheape- I mean, the movie wouldn't follow the original novel.

ANA: Okay, I did not have to see that.

CHRISTIAN: Only if it were you and I in a mirror. *slasher smile*

ANA: Whu…?

The boys leave for the girls to have girls talk which is stupid as per usual. (A/N: Before you say anything, I'm female. Who find this kind of girl talk stupid. I'm not explaining it further).

KATE: Now did you f*ck?

ANA: No.

KATE: Damn! How slow are you, girl?

ANA: I barely know him, Kate.

KATE: So what?

AUDIENCE: Because true love doesn't have to revolve around sex and in actuality comes down to respect and understanding from both parties' ends and being happy just spending time with your partner in terms and ways that aren't constantly related to your genitals?

FAN AUDIENCE: Ha! What kind of gay theory is that?

AUDIENCE: The theory from dawn of time.

FAN AUDIENCE: …Well, the world is progressing.

AUDIENCE: Negatively, yes.

FAN AUDIENCE: For crying out loud, when will you shut up?!

AUDIENCE: When they give up on continuing the series.

FLYING-IN-A-STUPID-HELICOPTER-MONTAGE: *plays music by Ellie Goulding far surpassing the quality of this film*

Their helicopter ride got them to an apartment more classy than any mansion somewhere else, which isn't where they were before at least, and wine is had. There is a non-disclosure agreement set on the table in front of Ana.

ANA: What is that?

CHRISTIAN: It's a contract with terms and conditions about discussing our relationship, sexually or no, with anyone. My frickin' lawyer is involved with it, because rutting back and forth is formal business.

ANA: Wow, I had no idea you were so organized. That's hot.

AUDIENCE: Controlling is more like it.

ANA signs it without reading its entirety, making her agree to become a HUMANCENTiPAD with two others that… oh, sorry, wrong show. I just find that scene more arousing than anything in this.

ANA: Are you gonna make love to me now?

CHRISTIAN: I don't make love. I f*ck. Hard.

AUDIENCE: That line is too magnificent to comment on.

FAN AUDIENCE: GOOD. I was about to bash your head in.

Ana isn't frightened, because those words are calming for a virgin. She asks why this is, and he takes her to his "playroom".

CHRISTIAN: Beyond this door, there's a playroom.

ANA: Like your Xbox and stuff?

AUDIENCE: How the hell are you 21?

CHRISTIAN: If by Xbox you mean anal play thing, then yes. Not that I would expect a hair-brained idiot like you to use sexual euphemisms.

He takes out a key.

CHRISTIAN: Anyway, know that you can leave at any time. If it's too much for you, I completely understand. Just know that the helicopter is outside and I'm not forcing you into anything. Just relax, don't panic when you see it, just tell me. Calm down, calm down CALM DOWN CALM DOWN!

ANA: YOOUUUU calm down!

AUDIENCE: The Three Stooges slapstick would be comedy gold right now.

ANA: Try me, Mr. Man.

ANA'S BRAIN has been beaten to unconsciousness by the other three main emotions of hers.

ANA'S CLIT: Welcome to kinkville, faggot.

The door is opened, and she's presented to the very sexual definition of "playroom".

ANA: HOLY SHIT.

In terror, she looks at his perverted stash of sex toys. Stepping forward, she takes an even breath and touches one of them thoughtfully. Christian walks up behind her.

CHRISTIAN: That's a flogger.

ANA: Yeah, because when I see a room full of sexual equipment meant for blurring the thin line between pain and pleasure I'm not even familiar with as I'm a virgin I wonder what the hell a feathery sex toy is called.

CHRISTIAN: Didn't you?

ANA: …yeah, I did.

CHRISTIAN: Well, then. What do you think?

SILENCE: *appropriate*

CHRISTIAN: Say something. Please.

ANA: Well, sorry, but this is a lot to take in! I have never had sex, after all! Do you expect me to just up and "This is cool, let's roleplay as Batman and Catwoman while I'm tied up in the most humanly degrading position possible with these ropes over here"?

CHRISTIAN: …yes? I mean, only if you want me to.

AUDIENCE: Well, how the heck can she know if she wants to, dumbass?

CHRISTIAN: Well, I'm a dominate. That means I want you to willingly surrender yourself to me. There are my set of rules I want you to follow; if you follow them, reward awaits. If you don't, you'll be punished.

ANA: By using this stuff on me?

CHRISTIAN: No, by saying mean things to you that would hurt your widdle feewings- of course with this stuff, lummox!

AUDIENCE: You know that South Park fanfiction "Kyle in Chains"? That story explained BDSM a hell of a lot better.

FAN AUDIENCE: That story didn't even revolve around BDSM.

AUDIENCE: Exactly.

ANA: What would I get out of this?

CHRISTIAN: Aside from bruises? Me.

ANA: And if I refuse?

CHRISTIAN: You won't be getting me, genius. That's how bargains work.

They leave the room to head for a different room.

CHRISTIAN: If you agree, this will be your room during the weekends while we spend the entirety of it having hardcore sex in mine. We'll discuss negotiations later and sounding so formal when talking about something so ridiculous as this is just laughable.

ANA: …what if I wanted you in a romantic way?

CHRISTIAN: That will never work.

ANA: But-

CHRISTIAN: I said no. I can only have this type of relationship. I only get off on making my girls suffer. Being tender and loving towards them makes me sick to my stomach. It's so gay. Because people practicing bondage don't have feelings and are cold-hearted monsters like me.

ANA: Aren't you being a bit close-mi-

CHRISTIAN: No, I'm not. Now shut up.

AUDIENCE: F*cking bigot.

CHRISTIAN: Now, I have a contract prepared detailing what kind of pain I want to serve on your pretty little ass. I'll let you decide what I can do to you, except I will not.

ANA: I wouldn't know how. Because like my naïvity about this subject has strongly implied during the last few days, I'm a virgin.

CHRISTIAN: What is that, what is vur-geen? Never heard of it. *gets whispered information by Sam-Taylor Johnson* Holy crap, that's a concept?!

He retaliates in shock and rests his forehead in his palm.

CHRISTIAN: Just… a life without sex. What kind of life is that? Is it the life of the dismayed? Do you live in New Jersey?

ANA: Maybe lives don't revolve around sex.

CHRISTIAN: Dare say that again and I will slap the shit out of you.

AUDIENCE: And we all know perfectly well you'd follow up on that word.

Christian empathically cradles her face in his hands, feeling sorry for her for something one shouldn't feel sorry for anyone about.

CHRISTIAN: Poor baby. You don't know how it feels to be penetrated by a pink-headed womb broom in your octopus taco? My God. I can't imagine the pain you're enduring.

ANA: Um… I'm not hurting.

CHRISTIAN: Yes, you are. Without knowing it. I don't know how you can feel pain without knowing it, but that's beside the point. I need to save your honor by f*cking you until your pussy has turned to mush.

ANA: Didn't you say you wouldn't touch me until I wrote my consent?

CHRISTIAN: Look, you want me to make tender, passionate, affectionate love to you or not?

ANA: *instantly forgets what she just said* Of course, *swoony-woony*. Let's hit the sack, bad boy!

AUDIENCE: Finally! Let's see if the trailers put the money where their mouths are.

They take an awful long time to strip each other…

AUDIENCE: Okay…?

Take more time stripping one another…

AUDIENCE: OKAY?

Now he's slowly caressing her from top to bottom.

AUDIENCE (ANGRY VIDEO GAME NERD VOICE): WHAT THE F*CK?!

FAN AUDIENCE: *smiles awkwardly*

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: Perfect! That fills the tenderness quota for the film. Now, what more can arouse the viewer? Ah, yes, close-ups of Dakota's nipples and Jamie's hairy ass, of course!

AUDIENCE: *grossed out*

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: And his refusal to let her touch him during her first time is so hot OMGGG, I'm 'bout to bust my puss… OH… OOOOHHHHHHH…. Ah, done. Get me some tissues, E.L James. I'm finished.

E.L. JAMES: THAT WAS BLOODY AWESOME, I GOTTA SAY! There's no way any one can not get hot and bothered by this.

FAN AUDIENCE: …WTF. We paid to see porn! Instead we got close-ups of skin and poorly-acted orgasms.

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: You paid to see Fifty Shades of Grey. Now shut up and beat it. Literally. 'Cause this is what you're getting.

FAN AUDIENCE: FFFFMMMLLL…

Some more SMEXY TIEMZ are had, but it further reinforces the wish among the audience that they could be watching a good-quality video of drying paint instead. Because it would be more sexually stimulating than anything we've been shown so far, including the hot tub sex…

AUDIENCE: You know? I would be a million times more excited had the main characters been Hannibal Lecter and Clarice Starling instead.

FAN AUDIENCE: But he's literally a murderous psychopath!

AUDIENCE: Exa-*gets punched by fans* -oof!

ANA: So where's the 50 bucks you owe me?

CHRISTIAN: Not so fast, I have yet to- *hears steps downstairs* oh, shit! Mommy's here!

CHRISTIAN'S BOLOGNIA WAND: Retreat! Retreat!

ANA'S BRAIN: So I guess this is the only sense of dignity he has, huh?

ANA'S CLIT: You still alive, asshole?

They go downstairs to greet Christian's mother (whom is not the one described in the book as the "crack whore" I hope…)

CHRISTIAN'S MOM: Hey, how is my baby today? Is he feeling like the same shit-load amount of money he's got for doing nothing but sexing random ladies up?

CHRISTIAN: MOOOOOOOOOMMM, I was having a lady over for SEEEEEEEEXXX…

CHRISTIAN'S MOM: Hush, dear, I know you have to do something to not bore yourself to death in your spoiled rotten rich life.

CHRISTIAN: *childish pout*

Ana reaches her hand out to greet her hopefully-not-future-mother-in-law, which the latter grabs.

ANA: Hello~

CHRISTIAN'S MOM: Oh, you must be his new toy! It is a pleasure to meet you, the 105th girl in his woman-of-the-week-parade. How's your bottom?

ANA: Well-

CHRISTIAN'S MOM: Oh my, you must be a very special girl whom he could hopefully settle down with forever; I've never met such a chunk of platinum like you! How would you like to come to a family dinner so we could get more acquianted with a rare gem such as yourself?

ANA: Umm…

CHRISTIAN's MOM: Perfect. I'll make the arrangements. You just go get yourself ready in that wedding gown, sweetheart.

CHRISTIAN: Uhm, mommy? Shut up. You're embarrassing me.

CHRISTIAN'S MOM: My dear boy, don't be embarrassed. I think you and her could become something. She's so extraordinary compared to all the other strumpets you've fooled around with. I just look at her and think perfection.

ANA: Fart.

CHRISTIAN'S MOM: EXCELLENCE! Well, I'll be heading out now.

AUDIENCE: Just a heads up, she didn't really say "fart", we just put it there because she might as well have.

FAN AUDIENCE: How are you able to do that?

AUDIENCE: Sarcasm is a superpower, numbskull. Have you lived under a rock among brainless babies on North Sentinel Island in the Bay of Bengal or something?

FAN AUDIENCE: What?

AUDIENCE: What?

AUTHOR OF THIS PARODY: *obviously out of sarcasm fuel*

The duo, not couple, comedy DUO, goes upstairs to have some penis-to-vag, err, heart-to-heart. They can't even have brain-to-brain… or foot-to-foot for that matter.

ANA: *suddenly jealous* How many women have stayed in here?

CHRISTIAN: *quick* 15.

ANA: That's a lot of women…

AUDIENCE: Nah, sweet-ums, you're barely scratching the surface. He has had more women than there are Undertale AUs.

FAN AUDIENCE: And how do you know that?

AUDIENCE: How do you not know that?

ANA: I still don't want out. You're shaking with anticipation of beating me senseless in ways thinly veiled as pleasurable, not promising any tenderness and romance whatsoever despite you having said that's what I want, and not claiming you'll stop being a control freak in every little aspect of my life. But I still don't want out. I'm now going to contradict what I just said by being catty about agreeing to it.

CHRISTIAN: Well, your call. I promise, it will be very pleasurable and satisfying to be doing hardcore kink even when it's a new thing to you and may not be your thing after all. Just ignore the bleeding out of your pink sock and excessive pain that will come with it, it's all in the name of mind-numbing pleasure.

ANA: Well, if I do get sexual pleasure out of it, I guess I could think about it.

CHRISTIAN: You getting pleasure? What in- oh! Yeah…! Right…

ANA: Also, why don't we sleep like a normal couple? Why do we have to sleep in separate rooms?

AUDIENCE: Haven't you been listening to what he said at all? Aside from "You. Me. Bandicooting"?

CHRISTIAN: Because like I've already demonstrated to true BDSM practicioners' frustrations, people into this kind of stuff are cold-hearted dicks not giving squat about their partner's feelings, so naturally, they must be portrayed as such and hate warm, tender intimacy.

AUDIENCE INTO BDSM: Screw this film. Screw it with a ten-foot pole coated in sulfuric acid.

AUDIENCE: … *slow clap*

ANA: You know what? Screw this. Screw you. I'm leaving. I'm my own woman, dammit. I don't want a creep like you to be controlling me, thank you very much. I'm going home. Don't touch me.

Ana leaves determined. Everyone in the theatre quietly gawk in awe at the scene unfolded.

AUDIENCE: Holy crap, what's happening?! She's turning awesome!... did she get drunk again?

…only to have this moment of awesome be crushed into tiny bits when she's letting Christian drive her home.

ANA: Yeah, I know, but drive me home, then I'll be my own woman.

AUDIENCE: It's going to go on like this, ain't it?

Then he doesn't drive her straight home, but to a secluded area in a forest where no one can hear them for miles, and will provoke the makers of films like the Pumpkinhead into filing complaints of plagiarism. Because this kind of plot could very well set off when you have a character like Christian Grey. Anyhow, Ana is being stupid as she agrees to walk with him in the woods, furthering setting in stone that her subconscious will make her do as he says no matter what… as she dances in that bright red hula skirt and stomps her foot and makes a triple-axel jump or whatever.

ANA: So what made you realize that hurting women is sexually gratifying to you?

CHRISTIAN: I was sexually abused by a family friend when I was 15.

ANA: That's terrible!

CHRISTIAN: No, it was awesome. 'Doesn't matter, had sex', y'know? You're the pity pig here, as you were still a loser virgin prior to me fixing your shameful treatment of your body by not sticking stuff up your every orifice. Freak.

They walk near a bridge out to the open waters.

CHRISTIAN: Nobody knows. Not my mommy, not my brother, not anyone. And this is not a problem I should have called the police for since she f*cked me up, cuz…doesn't matter, had sex. It was intimidating for me at first, too, but I eventually came to consent to her sexual abuse of a minor. Hear that, pedophiles? Sexually abuse a child enough, and they will eventually like it!

AUDIENCE: In the name of everything sacred, E.L. James, do you plan to brainwash the whole planet into bowing down to you, too? 'Cause I can already see the pedos starting to kneel down.

ANA: So, what? You're saying just because you liked it eventually, I'm going to, too?

CHRISTIAN: Exactly. There's no such thing as asexuality, discomfort/fear of sex, lack of a sex drive, a job, work, vacation, your family, spirituality, love, whatever. I don't know how those damn things are even concepts, mind you. I didn't have to give a shit about anything anymore. I didn't need to take responsibility for anything, I can just be whatever douchebag I feel like, 'cause I can disguise it as being a 'dominate'. When I felt that climax of my first time, I felt free and wonderful. It's my world. It's everything. It's my life. And if you let me, it can be yours, too.

ANA: *sceptic*

CHRISTIAN: You're the only girl I want this with. You're the only one I rode with in that helicopter, and had sex with in my own bed. You're specially speshuul, gurl.

ANA: *beams*

CHRISTIAN: *Phew-I-hope-I-didn't-forget-to-throw-out-Caitlyn's-panties-out-of-the-backseat-of-that-helicopter-grimace*

AUDIENCE: Oh. He pulls the "you're-the-only-one"-manipulation card. Nice touch.

CHRISTIAN: I've never slept next to anyone. Ever.

AUDIENCE: Except for your cousin Burt in 4th grade on a camping trip. Better watch out for her finding out you're lying, mac!

FAN AUDIENCE: Okay, will anyone shut this jackass up?

They share a soaring kiss, exchanging trust that shouldn't be there, lies, uncertainty, manipulative words… not saliva. Doggone it, not saliva. It would almost have been enough to compensate for the boredom of this scene. Then again, because it's FSoG, I would have complained, either way.

He then drives her home, but she seems to have a different attitude, but that's normal. That's what every person under Christian's manipulation would be. Not accepting, just… deluded. Insanely deluded.

CHRISTIAN: Contract. Read. Choice. Sex. *would have crossed out the next to last point initially but realized it would have scared her away from being his plaything so he didn't*

ANA: *nods* *grabs contract* *walks inside*

CHRISTIAN: *cartoony villain hand fidgeting* All according to plan.

ANA walks in having been given a new computer by Christian whom she talked to mere seconds ago. Oh, an he also gave her first-editions of some books she likes earlier in the film, but whatever. Didn't find that a crucial detail other than adding to the "I-shower-you-with-gifts-so-you-must-do-as-I-say" manipulation scale.

AUDIENCE: What's the difference between Christian Grey and Ted Bundy? Bundy at least tried to be charming when luring his victims.

FAN AUDIENCE: … *snorts a laugh*

AUDIENCE: What was that?

FAN AUDIENCE: I'm… just… I'm having a cold.

AUDIENCE: Uh-huh.

Kate is there being useless for a while and then Ana begins using the laptop. Apparently, it doesn't need to have information of the owner when signing up, nor a battery it seems, as it's immediately on. Now they're having e-mail contact, but I'm just going to speed-forward this segment taking its course over a few days (which requires talent to pad out, if you ask me) because it's useless filler about kinkmania fake trivia.

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar (ANA) has logged in.

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop (CHRISTIAN)has logged in.

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop: Use this computer for research on BDSM. Since your own computer is obviously incapable of that.

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar: ok!11 ^^ but waiiii… are u gunna keep orderinh me around liek dis? cuz if u r den fuk of :)

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop: You first want to be dominated and now you don't? This is the reason I don't value bitches above a hole. Anyway, to answer your question for the millionth time this hour, yes, I want to dominate you, and you will love it. I've already covered this issue with sarcasm so let's just move on.

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar: yea well…your the boss. what shud I search derpityderpderp? :)

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop: Well, wth do you think?

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar: PUPPIES! :)

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop: Yeah… had we been searching on the deep web for crush porn. Just search 'submissive', Gena Leung.

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar: okidokiee!

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop: Well?

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar: HOLY CRAPPY CRAP UP MY CRAPPER U WANT 2 DO DIS SHIET 2 ME LIEK WTF WTH IS WRONG WITH U U WAN 2 TY ME UP WITH LIL LETHERSTRAPPIES

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop: Of course I don't, mooncalf. I don't want to use any damn leather. Fish leather can't hold for poop. I need real stuff like rope to tie you down.

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar: I DUNNO. I DUNNO ANYMORE

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop: Hey, relax, guy!

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar: I AM PERFETCLY CALM. I JUST FORGET TO SHUT OF DUH CAPSLock is all. There. No butt serius thats som messed shit ur in 2 and I dun wanna be parg ovit. I just lost my virgin & I think I need 2 get used 2 mission before trying dog cat monkey coleacanth style or whatev its bn nice nwing you tho, hop u can find someone consentign. Kisses 33333 XOXOXOXOX CU

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop: …

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop has logged off.

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar: wut

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar: helo

Ana just got home from running when a looming, frightening, terrifying silhouette of a serial killer emerges from the darkest deepest corners of the shadows' domain, and- oh, wait. It's Christian.

AUDIENCE: What's with that surprised pause?

Expectly, this scares Ana's tits off, except not, otherwise Christian would have lost interest in her the instant she had had.

ANA: Holy crap on a crapper!

CHRISTIAN: YOU SHOULD HAVE RESPECTED MY AUTHORITAH. *proceeds to rape her*

I wish it was a typo. I wish upon Geppetto's star it was a typo. But it isn't.

AUDIENCE: Like, shit! We knew he was a creeper as we accused him of being a rapist, but we didn't think he would actually be one! …Our intuition was actually correct?

FAN AUDIENCE: Thanks a lot for jinxing it! Okay, you were right, we're admitting it. Happy now? Feeling better with your inflated ego further stroked?

AUDIENCE: Depends… do you know the Ashiatsu Massage Technique?

Some wacky looney adventures ensue involving ice-cubes, spanking, and raping of Ana in thin guise as kink. Hey, everytime he roughly thrusts into her as she gasps in pain, let's take one shot! That way we can survive this.

AUDIENCE: Two. Two shots.

And let's put in "Haunted" by Beyoncé as some mood music for the hot steamy scene of… taking these shots. What other steamy scene would there possibly be? No, seriously. Enlighten me.

AUDIENCE: Wait… this is way too fitting. Did you plan this, Sammy?

SAM TAYLOR-JOHNSON: Rape fantasy, bitch… HHHHHGGGGGNNNNN *climaxes*

AUDIENCE: …I'll take that as an "obviously I did, you idiot".

We cut to them laying in bed at night having some pillowtalk.

ANA: That was amazing.

ANA'S BRAIN: You know, you could say it wasn't rape anymore when you consented, but it was still rape because you initially didn't.

ANA'S VAGINA: Okay, this? Has got to, like, stop.

ANA'S BRAIN: I have to stop? Cutiepie. Hadn't it been for me, we would have been dead right now. I'm the only common sense she has provided to stay catty to his bossiness. Considering I'm in the minority, that says a lot about her intelligence.

ANA'S VAGINA: Well, then, why don't you stay in the minority and let us handle this, scrote?

ANA'S BRAIN: BRAIN LIVES MATTER

Ana wants to touch Christian, but…

CHRISTIAN'S BODY: Eyy, f*ck off, bitch, you be treadin' on private territory.

AUDIENCE: Ain't that hypocrisy more delicious than grandma's blueberry pie.

CHRISTIAN: So, anyway, are you gonna sign that contract? Not that it matters anyway, I would just rape you until you finally agreed to it. Boy, aren't negotiations always the best and most fair solutions? I win something out of it both ways, too.

ANA: Yeah, no. I dunno yet. You just raped me but I might still want in.

ANA'S BRAIN: *slowly getting dissipated from the power of dumbassness* NOOOOOOOO!

Christian walks up with a disappointed look and proceeds to put his clothes on.

ANA: Wait, you're more butthurt than I am?

CHRISTIAN: No, not really. I just have to go home and make a new list of ways to rape you in manners that would help persuade you. I was thinking of something with the word "cleveland steamer" in it next.

Ana reads the contract for a few days and decides that in order to avoid another rape, she could at least pretend interest by ordering som insanely dumb formal meeting between the two of them about the contract, which she isn't going to sign anyway, and only exist to pad out this movie more, because more the merrier, it makes green in pocket. Let's water it with dirty talk and sexual lube fluids.

ANA: Conditions: strike this out, strike that out, strike blah out…

CHRISTIAN: *sob* Okay. *grabs ice-cream* I don't know why I'm not giving up on you and just hire a prostitute. That's what Donald Trump is doing.

AUDIENCE: Because you're not just rich, both of your literal heads are also thick. I guess your income doesn't match your IQ.

ANA: What are butt plugs?

CHRISTIAN: *begins a "shit-are-you-serious" look but gets interrupted by his sla- err…aw, heck, why hide it, his slaves*

His goons come in to leave food and...yeah, that's it. Then they leave.

ANA: Okay, what was the point of adding that to the film?

CHRISTIAN: To further rub it in your face how rich I am and how luxurious I live and will make you agree to this contract and I'm not giving you all the details of what all the tools will be used for because miscommunication is also standard for BDSM.

AUDIENCE INTO BDSM: *claps in strained joy, pukes blood*

CHRISTIAN: You know, I'm pretty impressed with your devotion to this contract, I didn't expect that since no other subject was.

AUDIENCE: Because they were smart?

CHRISTIAN: Tell you what, once a week, we'll go on a date. As a couple. But all the other days of the week you'll bend to my will and I will f*ck you in every way I choose, and if you refuse, I'll abu- err, punish you.

AUDIENCE: You're still trying to hide it?

ANA: OMG, you care about me?! That's so romantic!

CHRISTIAN: Sure, whatever. We can watch a movie… have you ever seen Backdoor Sluts 9? Fritz the Cat? No wait, I know… Pinocchio! That donkey transformation scene is my favorite porno.

ANA: I believe I haven't. Enlighten me, then?

CHRISTIAN: App, app, app, only on that one day of the week, skank.

They finish up this "business meeting" and they talk the dirty that would water dollar greens and money trees.

CHRISTIAN: (actual line) I would like to f*ck you into the middle of next week.

ANA: *smiles, flattered*

AUDIENCE: Would screaming in agony at her messed up reaction to that statement be overreacting?

FAN AUDIENCE: We don't know anymore.

ANA: Anywayz, I want to leave to review these changes and then I'll decide. Could you hold in your kinky sex-pee just a widdle while longer?

CHRISTIAN: *growling impatiently* Would f*cking you on this table help you decide faster? Because, as you remember, I can just rape you until you consent.

ANA: Mew?

CHRISTIAN: You want me to make love to you. I can see it; you're pressing your thighs together, your breathing's turning uneven, your complexion… you're flushed.

ANA: Did you just describe trying to hold in a fart?

CHRISTIAN: If you did stay, I would *dirtytalkdirtytalkdirtytalkdirtytalkdirtytalkdirtytalk*

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: Well? Are you getting excited? Cuz I sure am, ohohohoh! You naughty boy, Christian, you!

FAN AUDIENCE: I can't get it up/wet to save my life.

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: Need help? Lower-lip-bite?

FAN AUDIENCE: No don't you get it? YOU SUCK! Watching my grandmother naked would make me climax faster!

AUDIENCE: OH, SNAP!

E.L. JAMES: You just don't get it.

FAN AUDIENCE: Says someone whose toxic vagina hasn't gotten action in probably 20 years and needed to write something as dry and simple as this to get horny.

AUDIENCE: OOOOHHH OHHHHHHH 360 NO SCOPING LIKE F*CK

Ahem, anyway, back to the story. Ana decides to leave, for some reason not given, I guess, immediately. Anyway, Ana's being a little of a tease, which I don't think will help him hold further back from taking her over and over against her will like a daffodil being forced to open its petals before spring has properly matured. I'm sorry, I'm trying to sound funny. I know it's not working.

ANA: This will have to wait, I'm gonna go graduate.

CHRISTIAN: Again? Because you failed the first one?

ANA: No, this is the first one.

CHRISTIAN: Oh, that wasn't over yet? …f*ck a duck.

They graduate and Christian has a speech at the graduation in order to be an attention whore. Ana meets her dad afterwards.

ANA'S DAD: I'm so proud of you. My little girl graduated with honors and will begin a successful career. I'm so moved.

AUDIENCE: Okay, now this is just sad.

CHRISTIAN: Woah, she's talking to her dad she hasn't seen for a long while? Time to butt in and be a possessive creep!

ANA'S DAD: Oh, hello. So you're Ana's boyfriend? Pleasure to meet you. I enjoyed your speech greatly. How long have you two known each other?

CHRISTIAN: Excuse me, sir, I couldn't hear you over the prospective scream of pain I'll envoke from her when we have damaging sex tonight. Also, over the cameraman wanting a shot. Pardon.

Christian pulls Ana close for the shot despite her discomfort.

AUDIENCE: Any sane father would cut his testicles off at this point. So he's either insane or a step-father how would personally do the same.

They later have champagne.

CHRISTIAN: To celebrate the fact that nothing stops you from signing that damn contract already. Oh, and your graduation.

ANA: *looks down*

CHRISTIAN: Bitch, did you just roll your eyes at me? Oh my God, you insolent little snitch. I'm going to spank yer arse if ye do that again, lassie.

AUDIENCE: Why don't you just admit there's no need for a contract already?

CHRISTIAN: By the way, I've got you a gift.

AUDIENCE: Is it her freedom?

CHRISTIAN: Not even close, it's a brand new car.

ANA: Holy shnapcaronis, a new car? A new car. A new car! I can't take it, it's too much. I have my own.

CHRISTIAN: No, you see, you have to take it, because I sold the one you already had.

ANA: F*ck, are you serious now?! What the hell is wrong with you?! It was my damn car!

AUDIENCE: Is it finally dawning on her now?

CHRISTIAN: Wait, bitch, did you just roll my eyes at me again? Did you just have the insolence of being rightfully angry at me for selling something that wasn't mine but I think I can sell anyway because I think money gives me authority? That's enough. You're getting a spanking, you naughty girl.

AUDIENCE: FOR DOING WHAT?!

Christian proceeds to spank her with the agressivity of a newborn puppy.

AUDIENCE: Oh. Well, that alleviates things somewhat.

FAN AUDIENCE: How dare she not accept a gift when he sold her stuff without telling her first. How dare she. Why doesn't he the next time just kill her mom and then put her on the Judas Cradle for daring to cry over her death?

AUDIENCE: …wait, are you agreeing with us?

FAN AUDIENCE: …no?

Christian leaves after getting his nightly get-off and Ana gets a call from her mother.

ANA'S MOM: Hi, honey. My mother senses are tingling that something is completely and utterly wrong with you at this time. Wanna talk?

AUDIENCE: What, have your mother instincts been on vacation during this whole movie?

ANA: *silently cries* Mama…

ANA'S MOM: What's wrong? Honey, what is bothering you?

ANA: *sob* I dunno if he's making me happy. He's so weird, I'm… so confused.

ANA'S MOM: You know, come down whenever you want to talk. I'm here. Well, I always have been. I don't know what took you so long to realize you need sense beaten into you.

ANA: That's… I might do that.

Then she goes and makes out with the same prick they just talked about.

AUDIENCE: No comment.

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: Time for more baking baby-batter, baby!

FAN AUDIENCE: *Feelings of emptiness*

E.L. JAMES: Ohhhh yeahhh…

FAN AUDIENCE: *Feelings of the suicidal kind and emptiness*

After the movie's hourly sex, they head to have dinner with his family. You know? The one they promised earlier in the film…? Yeah, I didn't remember either, I had to look back at what I had written.

Believe it or not, they actually have a decent talk. His family is nice, like his mother, and brother… too bad the reason she's there is a posessive rap- you know what? We should invent a new word for this guy. How does Christianity sound?

AUDIENCE: That one's taken, dumbass. Just go with Christian.

FAN AUDIENCE: Isn't that one taken too?

AUDIENCE: Oh, come on!

ANA: Yeah, my mother lives in Georgia. I'm going to visit her tomorrow.

CHRISTIAN: You're trying to be your own woman? How dare you! When were you gonna tell me this?

ANA: Woah, chill the hell out. I'm just going to visit her. It's not like I'm out of our bargain and planning to move as far away from you as possible, even though that's what my brain has been nagging me about doing.

CHRISTIAN: You're implying there's a difference between those notions.

They leave to walk in the garden, with Christian carrying her on his shoulder and spanking her on the way.

ANA: Why are you angry? This is my choice! You have no right to control everything I do!

CHRISTIAN: Stop spewing bullshit or you're in for a spanking.

ANA: You're already spanking me!

CHRISTIAN: In for a beating, then. You're mine, all mine, when are you going to realize that? You're only mine.

AUDIENCE: What, are you worried she's going to have incest-sex with her mom, or something?

They kiss "passionately" for a few moments until Ana breaks away.

ANA: Christian, you are so confusing.

FAN AUDIENCE: I swear, they were going to say "controlling" but changed it at the last second.

ANA: Why can't we sleep in the same bed? Why can't you let me touch you? Why do you care so much about that damn contract? Why can't you like me the way I am? Why must you hurt me to get off? Why must you be such a cold-hearted prick?

AUDIENCE: Did she ask all the questions?

FAN AUDIENCE: *looks at list* Check, check, check… nope. She still hasn't asked herself why she's with him. She also hasn't asked herself why she felt attracted to him in the first place, but her realizing that is overestimating her intelligence.

He, unsurprisingly, doesn't answer a single question. Except he does, when she's asleep later on, but unbeknownst for him, it doesn't really count. Not in my book, anyway. And not in every other person's book on this planet. Except maybe Stephenie Meyer's.

Ana is giving a feminist boost and goes to meet her mother in Georgia despite his protests, because she hasn't descended deep enough into the madness that she'll stop loving her family… kind of what Christian has. I hope we can still help her.

FEMINISM: I'm the most all-mighty power in the universe and you all should bow down to me! I'm Wonderwoman, I'm Starfire, I'm-!

ANA'S CLIT: Oh, shut the hell up.

Ana has dinner/lunch with her Step-father and mother.

STEP-DAD: You wanna know this recipe? It's easy. Just take som movie-padding and pour it with salsa.

ANA: Thanks! I'll make sure to keep that in mind for the next two films! Sammy must start getting creative on that part if they are to be released.

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: Can it! I'm doing my best.

AUDIENCE: To be honest, I'm not really blaming Sammy here.

Ana later lays in bed.

ANA: I got here to get away from Christian, so now I'm gonna text him saying I wished he were here with me.

The next day, he arrives to meet her.

CHRISTIAN: Meddle?

ANA: Holy crap, what the crap are you doing here?!

AUDIENCE: Sanity is underrated, am I right?

CHRISTIAN: You sent me a text saying you wished I was here, so now I'm here. Duh. Do you want two other wishes granted?

ANA: Well, yeah. If you could leave me alone for five damn seconds, I would be happy.

CHRISTIAN: Forgot to tell you. I'm the kinky-genie, so I will only grant wishes involving me doing anal on you. Just clarifying your options.

ANA'S MOM: I love this guy!

FAN AUDIENCE: You mean comedy-wise, or…?

ANA'S MOM LEAVES, HAVING TO REFUEL THE TANK OF HER MOTHER INSTINCT RADAR. Christian sits down and rips her glass from her hand.

CHRISTIAN: Stop drinking that, child, and flirt with me. Flirt with daddy.

ANA: Flirt flirt.

CHRISTIAN: Let's randomly go plane-flying. I can do that too, y'know.

ANA: Okay. Bye mom!... she didn't hear me. Oh well! Let's leave without noting her!

PLANE-FLYING MONTAGE: *being stupid… wait, didn't we already do a scene like this?*

CHRISTIAN: *looks like an idiot*

ANA: *looks like she's fighting against swallowing a fish*

After the ride we're back in Seattle to continue this conflict-which-could-be-solved-with-a-dialogue-of-good-communication-or-a-police-call-or-having-the-luck-of-not-being-Fifty-Shades-Of-Grey-drama.

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: I think people with somehow chaste needs will be satisfied over this. Not that somebody not having them would know. Back to THE SMEX!

FAN AUDIENCE: The "plot" will be back after these supposed steamy messages.

AUDIENCE: Should we remove the "fan"-part of your name?

FORMER-FAN AUDIENCE: YES. THANK YOU.

FORMER-FAN AUDIENCE: NOT REALLY REMOVING IT, BUT WHATEV.

After the useless sex, we cut to Edw- err, Christian playing the piano with melancholy, Ana coming down listening to it.

ANA: The script of this film has really made me impatient. Can you tell me what the hell is wrong with you already?

CHRISTIAN: Shut the f*ck up.

ANA: Why do you wanna hurt me?

CHRISTIAN: Shut the f*ck up.

ANA: Why do you get off to it?

CHRISTIAN: BECAUSE THAT'S THE WAY I AM! SHUT THE F*CK UP!

AUDIENCE: Translation: Because I'm a sick f*ck still somehow roaming free and in desperate need of acceptance into the mental ward sharing the cell with Dexter.

FORMER-FAN AUDIENCE: And having the riches to back up every megalomaniac plan one can think of.

AUDIENCE: "And I own the police."

BIFF TANNEN: I'm proud of you, son.

DONALD TRUMP: Hey, that's my line, asshole!

ADOLF HITLER: Keep talking, bitches.

CHRISTIAN: (actual line) I'm fifty shades of f*cked up.

ANA: (drops IQ below -10) Because the stupidity of that line has dumbed me further than thought possible, why don't you show me just exactly how f*cked up you are?

CHRISTIAN: Okay. I'm gonna whip you six times.

EDWARD GREY: This pantywaist ain't got shit on me.

So Christian does, having her stripped naked to be whipped.

CHRISTIAN: *whips* HAHAHAHAH, WHO'S PUSSYWHIPPED NOW?! *whips* HAHA TAKE THIS LOL! *whips* TAKE THIS! IT'S NO USE! *whips* CHRISTIAN USED TAIL WHIP, IT'S SUPER EFFECTIVE *whips* PERSONALLY, I PREFER YOUR ASS IN THE AIR! *whips*

ANA: *silently weeps in pain*

ANA steps away from Christian, covering her naked self in self-defense and a look of disgust in his direction. About time.

ANA: How dare you whip me! Even if I asked you to! Don't ever go near me again!

AUDIENCE: Oh, jeez. That shit again.

FORMER-FAN AUDIENCE: Bet it's not gonna hold.

She's later STILL in his house, sleeping, or rather weeping, in her room. He walks inside.

ANA: I love you, asshole. Leave now before I kill you, my love.

AUDIENCE: Wait, what?!

FORMER-FAN AUDIENCE: This film tries to subvert our expectations so hard it doesn't now which path to choose anymore! We have caused a rift in the space-time continuum! We have caused a paradox! The apocalypse! What are we to do?!

AUDIENCE: Take cover beneath the bunker which is our brain's nerve system.

FORMER-FAN AUDIENCE: Good idea!

ANA LEAVES CHRISTIAN AND THEY LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER SEPARATED.

THE END.

AUDIENCE: I wish it was.

FORMER-FAN AUDIENCE: Holy crap! She was her own independent woman in the end! I've garnered the tiniest bit of respect for her now it's enough to create a molecule. Awesome twist E.L.!

E.L. JAMES: …

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: ERRR… THAT'S…

FORMER-FAN AUDIENCE: Wait, wait, wait, don't say anything! She's gonna come back and do some awesome Kill Bill shit, am I right?

AUDIENCE: Isn't ignorance just bliss?

FORMER-FAN AUDIENCE: Wait, what are you talking about? Why are you all so silent? *looks at movie poster for Fifty Shades Darker* MOTHERF*CK- *head explosion*

E.L. JAMES: *takes notes* Cause of spontaneous combustion; a movie overly sexually stimulating.

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: We can do better than this, can't we E.L.?

E.L. JAMES: You bet yer arse!

AUDIENCE: NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE *jumps off fanfiction cliff*

#fiftyshadessucks #fiftyshadesofgreysucks #anti fifty shades of grey #parody #fiftyshadesofgreyparody

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subtlehysteria · 7 years

Text

Pride and Prejudice (2005) Voltron AU because why the f*ck not

Keith = Mr. Darcy

Shiro = Mr. Bingly

Lance = Lizzy

Allura = Jane

In this case, I think Lance and Allura would be cousins and Alfor is alive, although he is starting to get old

(Coran will make a later appearance)

Pidge and Hunk would be Lance’s friends

Pidge refuses to conform to the restricting societal norms and wears the most amazing breeches and jackets

Their brother is super supportive and gives the evil eye to anyone who objects

(Lance also loves wearing Allura’s dresses to balls sometimes, depending on his mood)

So it’s the usual setting, everyone hears about Takashi Shirogane moving to town

A public ball is held and Lance and Allura insist on going because Uncle Alfor/Dad we never get to do anything around here

Alfor agrees, much to their delight

It’s not a super fancy ball, more a small public dance than anything, so Lance just wears his nicest dress shirt and blue breeches.

Allura steals the show in a simple pink dress

Everyone is asking her for a dance

She obliges because she’s too nice to say no, even though Lance tells her as much

Enter Takashi Shirogane and his moody friend, Keith Kogane

“He was left a fortune twice as big as Mr. Shirogane’s when he was only ten. His family died in an accident.” - Pidge, aka. the town gossip who can get any and all info on anyone, for a handsome price of course

Keith is only starting to get involved in his family’s estate now, with Shiro’s help. He doesn’t like it, but he doesn’t hate it either.

He’s more interested in horseback riding and fencing. He likes to get out and actually do stuff

Except balls. He hates balls

Why does he need to dance to get to know someone? like??? he doesn’t even want to be here in the first place

but Shiro insisted because he’s nervous entering a new society

so of course, Keith will tag along

but that does not mean he’s going to socialize

Back to the ball. Long story short, Shiro and Keith get introduced to everyone.

Allura and Shiro meet eyes and they’re both immediately smitten (Jane Austen fans, you know the story)

Lance tries to talk to Keith but Keith just outright rebuffs his attempts at conversation

Suffice to say, Lance hates the guy and by the looks of things, Keith returns the sentiment

Allura is invited to dine with Shiro (and Keith, who is staying with Shiro)

Unfortunately, their carriage is out of commission, so Allura goes on horseback

It rains ceaselessly, Allura gets sick and has to stay at Shiro’s home until she feels better

Lance goes on a walk to visit her

When he arrives at Netherfield (i’m going to just call it that cause I can’t think of a Voltron-related name right now) his coat is dripping with mud and his hair is a complete mess from the wind

Keith still thinks he looks absolutely beautiful

but he’s not going to say that because wtf is feelings even

Lance visits every day until Allura is feeling better

The Hand Scene

Keith doesn’t even realize what he’s doing until he feels Lance’s hand in his own and he’s helping him into the carriage

and his hand is shaking as he walks away

No, scratch that, everything is shaking and he can’t think straight

Shiro gives him a knowing look once Lance and Allura’s carriage has finally disappeared into the distance

Keith tells Shiro to focus on his own love interest

Shiro blushes profusely

Shiro invites everyone to a private ball at Netherfield and so Lance and Allura are out shopping for ribbons when Lance bumps into a soldier

His name his Lotor and he is an absolute charmer

He wins Lance’s sympathy when he explains that he and Keith and grew up together and that Keith recently cheated him of his inheritance

Lance hated Keith before, now he’s downright disgusted

(i am so sorry, this is more like an outline for a fic which i am so writing but yeah, Imma keep rambling)

Shiro’s Ball

Lance and Allura are stunning

Hunk says as much when he meets them inside

(Shiro hired Hunk to do the catering when Lance recommended him)

Alfor is very much in the know about Shiro’s intentions and is practically interrogating him on the spot

Shiro is low-key scared shitless but he still proves to be a very admirable young man

Poor Allura is kinda just standing there like Dad, stooop!

Keith actually greets Lance somewhat cordially, not really looking him in the eye though because he’s too pretty

seriously, how is he pulling off that light-blue dress so well??? and are those flowers in his hair

Lance is suspicious, even more so when Keith asks him to dance but he goes along with it because he wants answers

it is a battle of wits during their dance

like, Lance didn’t realize how sharp of a tongue Keith had and his temper is just something else entirely

Lance actually starts enjoying riling him up

Pidge warns Lance that Allura is being too reserved about her feelings towards Shiro

They’re worried Shiro might get the wrong idea and think his feelings are one-sided

Lance also tries and fails to find a certain white-haired soldier bc. once Lotor heard Keith was going to be there, he ducked out

Everyone is exhausted the next day

Lance is going to try and talk to Allura about being more open with Shiro

but when he finds her she has a letter in her hands and she’s trying not to cry but it isn’t working

Shiro and Keith have left the town without warning

even Pidge doesn’t know why

All Shiro’s letter says is that Allura is a very amiable young woman and that he hopes to be in her company again someday

He might as well have just written NOT INTERESTED

Allura is heartbroken, but she puts on a brave front

Lance sees through it though

A few months go by without a word from Shiro

The militia have moved on, meaning Lotor isn’t around to talk shit about Keith anymore

Matt invites Pidge to come visit him, seeing as he finally has some to himself

he runs a small estate, built it up himself. He’s a genius engineer, thanks to Mr. Holt putting him through a good school

Pidge invites Lance along

Hunk can’t go because has his catering business to run, plus he’s meeting Shay’s (his sous chef) family and may or may not be planning to start courting her soon

Lance is hesitant to go. He doesn’t want to leave Allura who is still a little down in the dumps

But she insists that Lance go so eventually he gives in

Pidge and Lance arrive just in time for supper only to find that Matt has another visitor

Keith fucking Kogane

Apparently, Matt, Shiro and Keith all went to the same school and Keith was in the area so he’s staying for a few days

Lance is not pleased

although, Keith is acting a little differently

Like, he’s actually trying to hold conversations?

and he and Pidge are actually getting along because they share the same sense of humour

and Lance is just confused

And then Keith visits him in his room

Keith is a bundle of nerves and keeps stopping halfway through his sentences

he remarks on the weather, on how nice the room is, literally looking anywhere but Lance

and then Pidge comes knocking and Keith is out of there before Lance can even get a word in edgewise

Next day they’re walking through the gardens

Keith and Pidge are up ahead and Pidge is laughing their ass off about something and Keith is actually smiling

And somehow Matt lets it slip that Keith is the one that separated Shiro and Allura

CUE THE RAIN SCENE

Lance is pissed and he’s dripping wet and cold and then of all people, Keith appears

And he’s proposing to Lance

And Lance snaps because there is no way he’s marrying some hot head who thinks splitting couples is a good thing

And they argue

Holy flying quiznak do they argue

And when Lance mentions Lotor? Keith snaps

because the man he loves is ripping his heart to shreds and he doesn’t look one bit sorry

And then the famous line: “From the first moment I met you your arrogance and your selfish disdain for the feelings of others made me realise that you were the last man I would ever prevail upon to marry”

And Keith just goes blank

He apologizes and leaves Lance and Lance should be happy, he’s finally told off that asshole

so why does he feel so empty?

And then there’s the letter

And Lance feels like the utmost fool and just sad

he was so wrong

so so wrong

Lance returns home just in time to find that Uncle Coran has come to visit

Coran is as flamboyant as they come

Can you imagine Coran in turquoise breeches because I can

Anyway, Coran invites Allura and Lance to come with him on a trip to the countryside, seeing as they both need a change in scenery

They visit Keith’s estate, Pemberley, because “it’s always open for guests to have a look”

Lance is hesitant but he goes along

SCULPTURE SCENE

Lance can’t stop looking at the bust of Keith

He looks so handsome

And somehow the sculptor managed to capture the intelligence in his eyes

When Lance finally comes back down to planet earth, he’s alone

The rest of the group has moved on without him

And then he hears someone yelling

He stumbles upon a room where Keith is busy practising his fencing

and he is good, as in he’s a fucking pro

And they meet eyes and Lance runs because he can’t see him, not after all he said

But Keith catches up to him and they talk and it so awkward and yet

Keith is softer, more gentle

Maybe he always was

He invites Lance and them to dinner and insists on walking them back to their hostel

And that’s when Allura gets a letter

Alfor is sick and the doctor says it isn’t long now before he passes on

Lance still has so many things to say to Keith, wants to apologize but they have to go

They arrive home in time to say goodbye to Alfor, who leaves their small estate to Allura, even though that’s technically against the law (leaving property to a woman, but screw it, Alfor knows Allura can handle his estate better than anyone else)

Lance, being the only male heir, refuses the property, much to the family laywer’s surprise. It belongs to Allura. Always has, always will.

And they adapt.

Coran stays with them while Allura settles into her new position as an estate manager, helping her when he can

They’re busy enjoying tea when Pidge bursts through their front door with Hunk not too far behind

Shiro is back in town

And damn but he looks determined

And Keith is with him

Cue the super awkward attempted-proposal scene where Coran ends up messing up Shiro’s entire plan of proposing to Allura

So Shiro and Keith go out and practice what he’s going to say, much to Keith’s amusement

And when Shiro does finally propose Allura doesn’t even hesitate to say yes

Lance should be happy for her, but his chest feels hollow and he knows why but he refuses to acknowledge it

He doesn’t sleep and decides to go for a walk, the sun’s nearly up anyway

And Lance is sitting, waiting for the sun to rise when he spots a figure in the mist

It’s Keith

Lance immediately apologizes and Keith says that he shouldn’t, that he was just as stupid

They were both so clueless, honestly

When Keith starts to propose, Lance stops him

He gets on one knee, in the mud, and proposes

Keith says yes

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