#so much about how he behaves physically feels calculated sometimes

[frau-kali]

[projectionistwrites]

FOR SCIENCE | the project proposal

In which the Moon Knight alter system presents a unique opportunity to settle the nature versus nurture debate, once and for all...

Steven Grant/Marc Spector/Jake Lockley x afab!psychologist!reader (3.2k+)

RATING: EXPLICIT (18+, mdni) WARNINGS: descriptions of mental illness, depictions of DID, fetishization of mental disorders (DID), potentially unethical scientific practices, no smut in this part NOTES: again, please don’t read this if you’re concerned at all with research ethics, as this is NOT a good demonstration of scientific procedures and studies. DISCLAIMER: although i’m incredibly knowledgeable about psychology, i am NOT a professional. all psychoanalyses made throughout the course of this storyline are entirely my own, based on my own interpretations of the characters. in a similar vein, i am also not an expert on DID specifically (although i am well-read on mental disorders and diagnoses), so i apologize for any incorrect terminology or misrepresentation. don’t hesitate to call me out if i say something wrong!

next part →

Marc Spector’s psyche was a psychologist’s wet dream.

Three distinct personalities, completely separated from each other, all occupying the same host body. At one point, all mutually unaware of the others, but now living together in solidarity and (relative) cooperation.

Meeting Marc Spector was a happy accident—but meeting a man with a clearcut case of Dissociative Identity Disorder as a Professor of Psychology? Now that was just pure, dumb luck.

You had met Steven Grant first. You’d run into him at the British Museum during a university-sponsored visit. Your interaction had been brief, but it was memorable for you nonetheless—there was just something about those soft brown eyes and dopey, shy smile that melted your heart.

Imagine your surprise when you accidentally ran into that same man on the bus, only for him to introduce himself as Marc with a midwestern American accent and a cold, calculated gleam in his stare. He was forward and confident—very much unlike your previous encounter with him. When you called his bluff and swore you’d interacted with him under the guise of Steven, he pulled you aside and gently tried to justify the confusion.

“It’s—I have this...condition. It’s—have you ever heard of Dissociative Identity Disorder?”

You had tried hard to fight your smile.

“Yeah, I’m familiar with it.”

It was only revealed to him—after his winded and lengthy explanation—that you had a doctorate degree in clinical psychology and specialized in mental disorders.

Steven’s curiosity was piqued, and Marc silently hoped you’d be able to shed some insight into the functioning of his fragmented mind. You quickly established an easy friendship, somewhat reminiscent of a relationship between a client and therapist—although you knew and cared for each other on a much deeper and more intimate level.

Several months later, you were finally introduced to the most elusive alter within the system—Jake Lockley.

You began to spend the majority of your free time with the men—all three of them seemed to be relatively taken with you. Steven was sweet, Marc was shrewd, and Jake was steadfast. It was sometimes difficult to conceptualize that they all shared the same physical body with how differently they behaved.

It hadn’t started as a project—genuinely, truly, it hadn’t. It wasn’t your intention to be so captivated by those big brown puppy-dog eyes or the softness within his smile. And the feelings you had for him—for all of them—were real, and raw, and indisputable. You would never, ever, ever do anything to make them feel uncomfortable or jeopardize your relationships in any way.

Which is why this was such a bad fucking idea.

Your nails drummed against the side of your porcelain coffee mug as your nervously chewed on the cap of your red pen, making a futile attempt to focus on grading the research report in front of you, but your attention was clearly elsewhere. Your eyes kept darting to the clock on the wall across from you, watching the second hand tick away slowly. The coffee shop was playing gentle soothing acoustic songs, the smell of cinnamon lingering in the air, but even the coziness wasn’t enough to shake your nerves.

“Hey, there, Doc.”

Your head perked at the sound of a familiar voice, a warming hand clapping your shoulder as Marc Spector walked to the other side of the small table and sat down across from you. You groaned at his greeting, pulling your reading glasses from your nose and setting them on the table in front of you.

“Marc, I swear, if you call me that one more time, I’ll—”

He threw his hands up in mock surrender, although he was smirking slyly at you.

“Alright, alright, jeez—what’s got you wound up so tight, huh?”

He reached for the paper on top of the stack in front of you, reading off the title aloud.

“An In-depth Investigation Into the Underlying Psychological Causes of Erectile Dysfunction in Men Under 50.”

His face contorted in a look of disgust.

“Jesus—that’s gotta be the most boring fuckin’ thing I’ve ever heard.”

You watched as his eyes fluttered briefly, his posture sinking and his features softening. When his eyes regained focus, he shook his head, huffing.

“Bugger off, Marc—I think it sounds plenty interestin’.”

Steven smiled graciously, offering the packet back to you. You accepted it tiredly, throwing it atop the pile of what seemed like an endless supply of mediocre student submissions that had yet to be graded.

“Thanks, Steven, but Marc’s right—my brain’s fried. I swear, if I have to read another shitty case study about men whose dicks don’t work, I’ll gouge my eyes out.”

The man chuckled at your confession as you shoved the stack of papers into your briefcase clumsily, snapping it shut without a second thought and letting it fall back to the floor beside your table. You carefully picked up your mug and took a long, slow sip—your coffee was barely lukewarm, at this point, as you’d be sitting at the cafe for hours, working quietly as you patiently waited on your friend’s arrival.

Although Steven was blissfully oblivious, Marc was observant. His consciousness pushed to the front, studying you carefully—your white-knuckled grip against your cup, your shifty eyes that were looking everywhere but at him, the tension in your shoulders and nervous bouncing of your leg.

“Alright—what’s wrong?”

Your gaze snapped over to him where he was sat with arms crossed over his chest, eyes narrowed in suspicion. You tried to force a smile in an effort to cover up your uncertainty.

“Nothing’s wrong, Marc. Promise.”

You held his gaze intently, trying to convince him with your half-hearted response. His stare didn't waver, and after a few brief moments, you had to look down, overwhelmed with the intensity of his scrutiny.

“Alright, let’s try that again. Y/N—what’s wrong?”

You let a long, exasperated sigh, running a tired hand down your face. This had been weighing on you for a few days, at this point, and you still weren’t sure if you could handle the emotional labor this conversation would require.

“It’s true, nothing’s—nothing’s wrong, per se, I just—I just need to talk to you. I’ve—I have this idea—”

“Like—a work-related, science-y idea? You want Steven? Or—I can try my best to help, but sometimes you get excited and start talking really fast and I can’t keep up, but—”

“No, Marc, it’s not—I mean, it’s not really science-y, but like, also—it kinda is? I don’t know how to explain it, but I really need to—”

“I mean, whatever it is, you seem pretty worried about it, so obviously it’s important, and—and I just wanna make sure we’re giving you whatever response you need, or, at least—”

“Jesus, Marc, if you’d let me finish.”

You clipped, and his jaw snapped shut instantaneously, somewhat taken aback by your outburst. You were normally so controlled, practiced with your expressions, so seeing any sign of emotional imbalance was startling.

Guilt immediately flooded your stomach after you lashed out—you buried your head in your hands, taking a few slow, deliberate breaths in an attempt to quell your rapid heartbeat.

“Shit—sorry, I didn’t mean—this is just... I’m not sure how to go about this.”

You felt the featherlight brush of calloused fingertips against your forearm, coaxing your face away from your palms. When you finally lifted your head, Steven had returned, his eyes soft and reassuring. He pulled your hand into his, squeezing briefly before rubbing his thumb comfortingly across your knuckles.

“S’alright, love, truly. Take as much time as you need, and—and if there’s anythin’ you need from us, it’s yours. Just—whenever you’re ready.”

You tried to ignore the butterflies flitting in your stomach at Steven’s gentle promise. You inhaled once more, before finding his eyes.

“This—I need to talk to all three of you. Can you—are you in a place where you can all be co-conscious?”

Steven’s lips turned up at the corners at your thoughtfulness. He received verbal responses from both Marc and Jake—a confirmation that they were both actively listening.

“’Course. We’re all here. Is—do you have a preference, as to who you’d like to speak with?”

You returned his smile, offering a slight squeeze to his hand.

“I mean—since you’re already fronting, might as well stay, huh?”

Steven blushed, trying to fight the giddiness that came from your validation. He quickly steeled himself, reminding himself that you were struggling to open up to him.

“Alright. Whenever you’re ready, then, yeah?”

You cautiously pulled your hand away from his, mostly to keep yourself grounded and get out what you needed before you second-guessed yourself.

“So.”

You cautiously began.

“I had this—this idea. And it’s—it sounds crazy, and I get that, but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it, especially because—well, I just feel like this is something that could have damning effects on the entire field of psychology, with both practical and theoretical applications, but—that doesn’t mean—I don’t want you to feel obligated by any means to agree, or—or to feel pressured into anything, and I definitely don’t want you to think that—that I’m using you, because that couldn’t be farther from the truth, I swear, and—”

“Y/N.”

His tone was soft, a quiet interruption from your rambling, and your eyes widened in concern. However, he offered you a reassuring nod.

“Just tell us what it is, yeah? We’ll go from there.”

You nodded slowly, squeezing your eyes shut, before beginning again.

“There’s this huge debate in psychology. It’s pretty much the basis of a lot of our research—the whole nature versus nurture debate. Basically, it’s all about how much of our personalities can be attributed to genetics versus how much can be attributed to our life experiences.”

Steven was listening intently, leaning forward into your words.

“Well, it’s—it’s a concept that’s really difficult to research, because, well, we don’t really have a basis of comparison. The best thing we have to go off of is when identical twins get separated at birth and grow up in different places. Or, at least—that was the best we’ve had up until this point. Does—does that make sense?”

“Yes.”

He assured, nodding in acknowledgement. You only hoped the other two alters were keeping up.

“So, basically what I’m getting at here, is, well—you, and—and all three of you, really—Marc and Jake, you guys provide a really, really unique opportunity, because, well—you share a body. So, physiologically, you’re completely identical. The only thing that’s different about you is who you are, so—your life experiences and memories and things like that. You’re—you’re like the perfect example of how our experiences shape our beings.”

“Right. Right.”

Steven followed your train of thought carefully, brows furrowed. You took a deep breath. This is the part you were dreading.

“So, I had this thought... you three boys are so vastly different from each other. Like, really, really different, and—and you each have your own preferences, things like that, but—but you still have the same body. In my Abnormal Psych course, we’re studying intimacy and desire right now. So—so what I was wondering was about your—your sexuality. Like, to what extent are your sexual preferences due to your biology rather than your cognition.”

Steven blew out a shaky exhale, though he tried not to appear perturbed by your words. His mind was silent—he could feel the intense focus from his alters, now hanging on your every word.

“What if there was a way, to, you know, test, how different your sexual preferences are? And to test and see how your arousal is different, or the same, based on locations of stimulation and things like that?”

Bloody fucking hell.

In a split second, Marc was fronting, Steven slipping back into the headspace, completely overwhelmed and unsure of what to say or how to react. You noticed the abrupt switch, and after recovering from the brief whiplash, you felt panic spur within you. You’d scared him away.

Marc’s brows were furrowed, like he wasn’t completely picking up what you were putting down.

“So, what exactly are you suggesting?”

You closed your eyes.

“I guess—what I’m suggesting is that you—you help me research. You—you let me study you, each of you, independently, to see—to see how different your sexual behaviors and preferences are.”

“Like—like a questionnaire, or something?”

Marc questioned, but when you shook your head, eyes casting downwards, it suddenly dawned on him. Steven’s departure made sense. Everything made sense.

“So... so lemme get this straight.”

Marc made a stopping motion with his hand, gesturing for you to pause.

“You—want to have sex, with me—with us... for science?”

“Well, I mean, it—it doesn’t necessarily have to be with me, I could—we could find someone else, if you’re more comfortable, and—and I could just observe, or—”

“So you’re a voyeur, now?”

You jolted and Marc’s vulgarity, eyes quickly scanning your surroundings to make sure no one was listening in on your conversation. Luckily, the cafe was relatively deserted at that point.

“No! No, that’s not—I’m just saying, with what I’m suggesting, it—it would make the most sense for the researcher to—to be more hands-on, but that’s...”

Your voice trailed off, staring at a speck of grime on the table, trying to calm the rapid racing of your heart.

Yeah, seems she's interested in being real hands-on, huh?

Marc struggled to hold in his snickering at Jake’s internal dialogue, but after seeing the worry that was clinging to your features, his sympathy prevailed.

“Y/N.”

He spoke calmly, cool and collected. Your eyes flitted to his, where he was watching you intently. However, you could see the ghost of a smirk on his face.

“So what you’re saying is... you want to have sex, with me, for science.”

He reiterated, and you opened your mouth to protest, to defend your credibility, to rationalize your bizarre proposition, but instead, a long sigh escaped you as you admitted defeat.

“Yes. Yeah. That’s…exactly what I’m saying.”

A brief silence stagnated between you, and there was a tightness forming in your chest as every worst-case-scenario began coming to fruition in the forefront of your mind.

“I’m—I’m so sorry, Marc, I didn’t mean to overstep, or—or—”

“What, exactly, would this entail?”

Marc inquired, unable to deny his curiosity. You blinked once, then twice, processing his words.

“So—so you’ll do it?”

He held up his hands as if to tell you to slow down.

“Just—hang on. Hypothetically speaking, what—what would this even look like?”

Excitement zipped up your skin as you reached down into your briefcase, pulling out a manila folder full of several sheets of scribbled ideas and disorganized thoughts.

“Well, see, I’ve been brainstorming—”

Christ, she has the whole thing planned.

Steven’s voice sounded faint, breathless, winded. Marc ignored him, instead focusing in on your sudden enthusiasm.

“—and I came up with a research plan. So, the way it would go—we’d meet for the weekend, three weekends in a row, with a week break in between. Each alter will have their own weekend to be the subject of study. Day one, we—well, you would lead the sexual encounter. Do what you want, showcase what sex usually looks like for you, what you like, what you don’t like—”

Marc's mind was reeling. He shamelessly attempted to ignore the effect your words were having on him. Do what you want. What you like. To you.

You were still talking.

“—and then the second day, you’d let me take the reins. I’ll psychoanalyze your behavior from the first day, and synthesize that with all the information I already have about you, and I’ll try to—well, I don’t wanna say push your buttons, but—basically, as shitty as it sounds, I’d be trying to bring to light any vulnerabilities, prod at the soft spots, stuff like that. Try to see if I can find what it is each of you seeks out through sexual intimacy. Does that make sense?”

Marc shook his head, lost in thought, but he blinked away the fog in his mind and quickly corrected himself with a nod.

“Yeah, I mean—I think so? Would this—what would you do, once it’s over? Like, what’s the point?”

“It would never be published, or shared with anyone else, I can promise you that. It’s—it would mostly be for me. Kind of like a passion project, I guess. I’ve been thinking about it for awhile, and, well...”

Passion project?

What’s she mean, ‘she’s been thinkin’ about it for awhile?’

Marc almost shushed the voices in his head aloud, trying to clear his head of static so he could properly take all of this in.

He looked up at you, and you were staring up at him with eye round and hopeful, almost reverent as they passed over him. He blew out a slow breath.

“Do... can we have time to think about it? To talk about it?”

The fuck do you mean, jefe? I’m ready to start right now.

You nodded encouragingly, although Marc caught the brief glimmer of disappointment in your eyes.

“Of course, Marc. Take as long as you need. And—please don’t feel obligated to say yes. I mean it. I know—I know this kind of came out of left field, and—and I don’t want to violate any boundaries, or—or jeopardize our friendship in any way, I would never want to do anything to make you uncomfortable, just—”

You stalled your tangent with a slow breath.

“Just let me know, okay?”

Marc nodded at you, smiling softly and contemplatively as he rose from the table and exited the coffeeshop, leaving you to stew in anticipation and something adjacent to remorse.

The call came in the next day, at 11am on the dot. It was Steven on the other line when you answered, walking out of the lecture hall doors as your class adjourned.

“Hello?”

You answered.

“Mornin’, Y/N. It’s, uh—It’s Steven.”

You giggled.

“I know, Steven. I have caller ID, and believe it or not, your accent is kind of distinct.”

You could practically hear him blush on the other end.

“Right. Yeah. Well, I just—I was callin’ to, uh—Christ, of course they made me do this, I can’t even—”

“Steven.”

You interrupted gently, your calmness soothing his nerves to some degree. He took a breath.

“Sorry. I—We talked it over. The whole—your experiment. And—and I think we’re all up for it.”

You froze in your tracks, students continuing to rush around on either side of you in the hallway. Your hand was shaking.

“I—really? Are you sure?”

“Well, no—I mean, yeah, I just—of course, I’ve got some reservations, but, I mean—it’s for science, yeah?"

A smile was creeping up your face.

“Yeah. Yes. For—for research purposes.”

Yeah, solely research purposes, my ass.

Marc quipped internally, and Steven gulped.

“Right, then. Could we—shall we meet again today, or—whenever, to talk it over a bit more?”

You nodded before realizing he couldn’t see you.

“That’d be perfect. We can meet same time, same place as yesterday?”

He gave a hum of agreement, and you felt suddenly breathless as the reality of the situation began to set in.

“Right. I’ll—I’ll see you then, okay, Steven?”

“Yeah, ‘lright, cheers.”

“And, Steven?”

You called quickly, hoping to catch him before he ended the call.

He hummed in response. You smiled.

“Thank you. Really, thank you.”

[lycemagee]

Are you lost? Are you hungry? Are you Thirsty? Don't worry about it my love. Here we are building the perfect world without agony, pain and despair. Just give me your heart in return.

Oke I had it in mind I couldn't stop thinking about it lol. So some brainstorming!

- Florence, Alfons and Roger grew up in a cult, because of their "blessings" they were planned to be the next heads of their cult, who would change the world

- they were put into much pressure, lessons for their "spirituality". They were 'cleansed' of the mistakes they had made by means of physical torture.

- growing up together they were really close, but Alfons developed in his early stage of childhood consciousness, that their suffering is not justified and questioned the existence of a "perfect" world ("If the perfect world has no pain, no suffering and no despair, why do we have to endure this?")

- on their twelfth birthday (even tho Roger was older than them, the cult declared that they would be the same age with the same birthday) Florence had the idea to steal three rings and gifted them to Alfons and Roger. So that they would always be connected.

- on the same evening Roger found a way to escape and Alfons, who was with him, was against it. Roger and Alfons often talked about the outside world together and what they would do with their freedom, so Alfons felt inclined to leave, but still wasn't sure, looking at the ring on his finger, that was too big for him. Roger knew the only thing, that held him off was Florence and even Roger felt conflicted just leaving her behind. But he was positive, that he would get her later, but pressured Alfons, if he still wanted to see them suffer everyday. With hesitation he denied and Roger promised him to come back and get Florence too.

- in the end they were picked up from the police after they reached a little city, but weren't listening to them, as they told them they live nearby in a little village

- as a reaction of the disappearance of Alfons and Roger the Village moved in fear of outsiders and the authorities, that when the Police got active after some weeks they disappeared.

- "You promised, we would get her. You promised it! But you betrayed her!"

"WE betrayed her Alfons! You were as desperate to leave and ending the days being in a cage. At least we are free right?"

- Alfons never forgave Roger and resented him

- Roger got adopted by a rich family and grew up in wealth and became a doctor

- Alfons lived in a foster family, where he met Elbert the first time

- when Florence heard, that Roger and Alfons disappeared she couldn't believe it and the other members punished her even harder, to make sure she would not make the same "mistake"

- 15 years went by and Alfons lived with Elbert, living life casually and enjoying the nightlife. To his distaste he figured out that Roger is living nearby and works as a doctor Alfons visited, much to his distaste and has now more contact with him. He also befriended a curious man with the name of Liam, but suddenly he disappeared and his Flatmate Harrison asked Alfons about his whereabouts.

- at some point when Alfons visited his regular Café he met a person who resembled a girl he sometimes dreamed about. She came closer to him, sitting next to him, her eyes were empty and dull, her smile cold.

"Hello Alfons. How are you doing? It's been a while."

He saw the ring she was wearing and he frowned. He knew the person in front of him was not the same. He could feel her calculating gaze on him and put his mask up, smiling politely to her. They were talking superficially, he felt something was off, the way she behaved, she talked. She didn't mention the cult on time. Suddenly she stood up wanting to leave and looked almost bitterly at Alfons.

"First I resented you for leaving me all alone. But I forgave you. Because I love you. So please come with me.", she held her hand to Alfons, who was surprised but realised quickly that all her words were hollow. He declined and when she left he saw Liam outside in a car.

[afreakingdork]

HELLO YES IM SORRY I JUST HAD TO SCREAM AT YOU ABOUT YOUR OWN FIC AND HOW MUCH I LOVE IT please accept these deranged ramblings of an angst-addled mind

“They were worried about his wellbeing for whatever reason” - DONNIE. YOU DUM DUM. THEY LOVE YOU AND YOU LOCKED YOURSELF IN YOUR LAB FOR A WEEK >:c

Donnie reads like he’s so trapped and just trying to ignore it until it goes away :<  Ofc he’s gonna lash out when Leo backs him into a corner

Mikey and Raph are being oddly chill about it all though, are they trying to let Donnie sort through whatever he’s dealing with?  Casual brotherly support and this is probably not the first time they’ve seen Donnie behave like this, Leo just has that *Donnie Sense*  They just seem mostly concerned that he’s physically taking care of himself at the moment, which I know Donnie put on a facade but hhhhhhhhh 

Donatello “I’ll keep all my emotions right here, and then one day I’ll die” Hamato

I love how Donnie thinks he’s calculated out his family’s reactions to things and parsed out the appropriate resources in his mind, and then here comes Leo with a monkey wrench lol

The repetition…Leo…are you actually 12…

Leo: “Look, you know I hate pulling rank as leader-"

Raph and literally all of us: “You really don’t.”

I love how Leo’s trying to convince Donnie to talk to him well after he’s already smashed his grubby gumball hands over all his buttons.  And laughing when Donnie is clearly upset - unfortunately very on brand, lmao ;v; Did he realize just how hard he poked the bear I wonder

“Make me” I can hear him just spitting it out like venom, I got fuckin chills, you KNOW something’s about to give hehehehehe

Ooooh, has Donnie not reached breaking point in a long time? That mental armor can’t protect you from everything Dee.  That, and you’re really good at spinning yourself in circles. There it is, classic Donnie overthink.

Also like, I KNOW it needed to happen, but LEO.  HE WARNED YOU THREE TIMES!!! WHAT DID YOU THINK WAS GOING TO HAPPEN????

Donnie: Go ask your lover!

Leo: lmao bro i have no game wym

Man Leo really fell for that punchline

Sorry fhkajdfsk

Donnie really used Emergency Exit with that shell drop move, Donatello has left the building

“Don’t think I’ve ever seen you turn your precious computers off!” - Leo, who has apparently never seen a horror movie

ALSO. OMG.  THE MYSTIC SPARK?!?! THAT IMAGERY?!?! OOOH I GOT TINGLES AGAIN THAT WAS SO GOOD I CAN IMAGINE IT HFKHAJKFSD

The whole fIGHT I CAN’T EVEN

IT WAS SO WELL WRITTEN OMG y’know how sometimes you read a thing and you’re like ‘i can’t visualize where in space these people’s bodies are’ yeah no, I didn’t get any of that this was so well done I LOVED IT

“We are INSIDE, young man!” - Nice last-ditch effort, bro

I also wonder what was going on in Donnie’s brain during this, but I get the feeling it would be like angry TV static

The voice crack…..Donnie honey im ;A;

AND OF COURSE LEO ONLY REALIZES HOW BADLY HE FUCKED UP AFTERWARDS sigh…again, very on brand

Did Reader blanking out their phone screen hurt? Yes.  More than it should have? Probably.  I’m a sentimental baby buhuhuuuu…

Also SIX DAYS???? HAS LEO NOT APOLOGIZED TO READER???? IN SIX DAYS???  Or would it be three? STILL!!!

Lmao I just imagine Leo on the phone with that lovely *wind* sound in the receiver also WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU LOST DONNIE WHY WOULD YOU PHRASE IT LIKE THAT LEO WTF MAN  I mean he’s potentially concussed tbh so I guess he gets a small pass XDDDDD

'YOU DIDN’T CHECK THE GIANT SKYLIGHT?! LEO!!!!!' - Mind Raph

Leo, forever now: ‘Did we check???’

Also!  You got Splinter’s voice perfectly right (at least that’s my opinion) I love it you did so good <3  Also I’m with Splinter “Did you not think to ask love interest first!?”

“Come here often?” Boi i will smack you myself

My dear Author.  The WHOLE scene with Donnie.  Broke my damn heart.  Again.  You’re very good at that, you know?

Angsty boy sittin alone on a cliff, and being able to visualize how damn tired he is, no energy to react physically until he literally drags himself to his feet, I’M-

And Donnie, honey, you’re very smart but there you go again hypothesizing with not enough data,,,how many different theories have you crafted baby boy,,,

Sometimes u gotta jiggle the Donnie

And then break his brain a lil ;3

Ohhh and THEN THE REALIZATION SETTING IN i loved that SO much, just ‘dear god, what have I done’ which TO BE FAIR I’d have done the same thing if Leo had laughed in the face of my assumed heartbreak

And oof, He’s gonna need some Down Time to recover from this emotional whiplash.  Just needs a good Sit and maybe a lil Cry and maybe when he’s feeling less Raw all three of you need to actually fucking communicate I swear to Pizza Supreme-

Anyways, holy shit, I have some FEELINGS ABOUT THIS FIC

You are AMAZING and I CANNOT WAIT to see what you do next

THANK YOU AND HAVE AN AMAZING NIGHT <3

Shade you absolute animal (/pos)! I cannot believe you wrote me a play by play. I adored every minute of it!

For Mikey and Raph playing it chill, I imagine the brothers all show their love in different ways. Leo might have waited in another instance, but in this one he has a personal connection and intel on what's going on that's driving him a bit nuts.

The "lmao bro i have no game wym" totally destroyed me, full on ugly cackling. That is actually how I intended that laugh to go over! He was thinking "YOU KNOW ME, YOU KNOW I'M SINGLE AS HELL BRO"

Otherwise, I'll keep chugging along and

Thank YOU and YOU have a good night!

[notenderhands]

You mentioned that Lleu would reward Telemakos if he did or said something Medraut would and punish him if he did not. How would Lleu punish Telemakos if he did not act like Medraut? How can he punish him if he is not aware of what he wants from him? And wouldn't Lleu pitting Athena and Telemakos against one another require for Lleu to be more aware of what he is doing? Creating a hostile environment where Telemakos will eventually turn into an insecure jealous man like Medraut who hates his sibling and would do anything to have the attention of his guardian is a long-term plan including multiple steps, it is entirely different from giving Telemakos gifts for lifting his mood by acting similar to Medraut. The latter can be unconscious since Lleu is encouraging a kind of behaviour that happened by coincidence and turning it into a habit while the former is cold, calculating and callous. Lleu would isolate and manipulate Telemakos to create traits that were never there, which means he must know what he wants and understand what he is doing to get him to do what he wants and not care that he is destroying Telemakos' life in progress.

To answer the first part of your question, I think it could start out as just Lleu's mood or how nice he is Telemakos. When Telemakos does something that pleases Lleu, Lleu would smile and be obviously happy about how Telemakos acted. Maybe he would also use physical affection as well. But when Telemakos does something that Lleu dislikes, Lleu would be a bit cold and standoffish. Maybe he would leave Telemakos alone, or just be displeased in a subtle way. This would start out innocuous enough but then I imagine that adding sex and physical touches would also come into play. Whereby Lleu would "reward" with such things and punish him by taking them away or using violence.

Lleu can do this subconsciously. He might not even realize the change in his behavior. It would be simply, in his mind, that he likes when Telemakos acts a certain way and when he acts a different way, he dislikes it. He might see it as trying to help Telemakos adjust to British customs or helping to lead him on the right path. He probably is not going to go much further than simple like and dislike. He would not associate it with Medraut at all. He might not even think about Medraut, consciously.

People can do a lot of harm even if they aren't aware of it. I don't see Lleu as someone who is aware of what he is doing most of the time. He does not analyze his behavior to understand why he does what he does. He never considers it nor questions it. People can do a lot of harm without necessarily having any intention behind their actions. People can be abusive and horrible but be purely acting from their emotions without some type of analytical plan in their minds to manipulate someone to do or behave in a certain way. They might not even be aware of it. I am not saying this excuses abusive and cruel behavior, it doesn't. But some people, especially people who have experienced trauma themselves, can act and behave in abusive and harmful ways without even realizing it. This is how and why the cycle of abuse continues in many cases. People are not as self-aware as we like to think sometimes. People do things to make themselves feel better. Their own feelings are what allow them to continue doing harmful and abusive things to others.

So to answer the second half of your ask, not necessarily. Parents pit their kids against each other all the time and I don't think every parent who does it, has some step-by-step plan to create a sibling rivalry. They are just bad parents. If this was Morgause and she was orchestrating events and such, then yes, I would 100% agree that she is engineering some plan to create this rivalry and force Telemakos into being a Medraut 2.0. But Lleu is just not that foresighted. He tends to be a bit myopic; he favors an immediate pleasure than waiting for a greater one down the road. The only person he can kind of manipulate is Medraut and most of that is simply understanding his habits and routines. And even then, Lleu's still not great at getting Medraut to do what he wants.

Lleu can isolate Telemakos without necessarily realizing it. He can manipulate him without realizing it. He can drive a wedge between Telemakos and Athena without realizing it. A system of rewards and punishments that eventually leads to CSA would be enough to create a divide and a rivalry between them. All Lleu would have to do is simply compare Telemakos to Athena as a punishment, compliment her as well. And if CSA is happening to Telemakos, then all Lleu really has to do is insinuate that it could or might be happening to Athena. If sex and physical touches are a reward to Telemakos, and withholding them is a punishment, Lleu just has to make a comment that could be interpreted as he is rewarding Athena and Telemakos's own mind will make the leaps and jumps to there. Not all of this is necessarily something Lleu has to be aware of and consciously doing, it is as simple as a comment. The abuse and CSA will do the rest.

Again, I am not saying that Lleu is not responsible for what he does in this AU. He is. Just as anyone is who abuses and harms another is. But at the same time, abuse is not always as clear cut as one wants to think it is. It is not always evil, bad person purposefully doing evil, bad things. Sometimes it's a fucked up individual doing something fucked up in turn. Most of the time, without intentionality behind it. It doesn't excuse anyone's actions, it just adds to the context as to why an individual might do and be abusive and horrible without them even fully understanding it.

[sunbathingleaves]

The protagonist as a child

It took me an absurd amount of time, but I finally managed to settle on a characterization for the protagonist when he was a child. I'm still not sure I'm satisfied with it so I might change some details eventually, but I wanted to show how some key personality traits of the protagonist were shaped as he grew up.

*

As he grew up, he was a quiet and apparently shy child, almost never crying or fighting with other children. The neighbors would all compliment his mother on how well behaved her child was. But the first signs that something was wrong were already starting to show, even if no one could understand the danger they represent. A lot of his behaviour would only become a red flag in hindsight, far too late for anyone to be able to prevent the disaster. From a very young age, even before kindergarten, he started to show an odd interest in scary stories, fantasy and SF, or fairy tales, folklore, and cryptids. While this not unusual for kids, the way he was showing his interest was. There was no sense of wonder or joy at hearing these stories, no innocent excitement at what will happen next. Instead, he was listening to the stories with an oddly calculated look in his eyes and would ask all sorts of questions about how it was possible for the story to function. How could the wizard know when the hero needed help? Why didn't the monster use his fire breathing to kill the hero before he could reach the sword? Why would aliens visit Earth and not other planets? How much food would a moth-man hiding in the sewers need to eat? He would also get frustrated when his parents would admit that they don't know or would try to handwave the question away with some quick explanation. The parents would often laugh and joke that their son would probably end up becoming a writer or a literary critic.

In elementary, he started showing other weird behaviours. He would often prefer to watch other children than play and he was sometimes caught studying the adults very carefully, proving to be very attentive at what was happening around him. Still, he didn't seem to have problems socializing, getting along well with his classmates and being well-liked by adults. He was also unusually calm and emotionless outside of home, very rarely letting feelings guide his actions. But at home, his parents would start to get worried. They would often catch their son disregarding their rules and interdictions, doing stuff without asking them or caring about their reactions. He was manipulative and would often argue against their decisions, using information he gathered in his quiet observations in his advantage, and there was nothing they would do could change his mind or get him to stop doing what he wanted. His interests in the supernatural and SF didn't go away either, and he started actively seeking out new books or movies or shows with these themes. He also started reading non-fiction books about a surprising variety of topics, curious and always wanting to learn new things. These moments were the only times he seemed actually happy. His parents would also sometimes catch their son quietly contemplating an object for long periods of time, sometimes something as simple as a flower, turning it on all sides like he was trying to unravel a secret. He would never mention these episodes or ask any questions about whatever object he seemed so curious about.

But things took a much darker turn from middle school onwards. He was still loved by his neighbours and teachers, being praised for his maturity, always cheerful attitude, and willingness to help those around him. He was known as a model student in the whole neighbourhood. Model child, really, and an example all parents would give their kids when they misbehaved or failed a test. But his manipulative tendencies around his peers turned into full-fledged bullying. While not exactly physically imposing, he was calculated and cautious, and exceptionally brutal. And once he would decide on a target it was impossible to get him to stop his attacks. He could easily read people and would use this talent to find any mental and emotional weakness he could exploit. He started making mental lists with what kids he could get away with bullying and what kids he needed as allies. From there on, he would isolate his targets, turning other kids or even adults against them, exaggerating or lying to achieve this. After he was sure he could get away with it, he would start picking on his victim, exploiting any insecurities or fears he could find and even trying to create new ones himself. And if any other kid tried to interfere, he would not only start attacking them too but would also start to discredit them in the eyes of other adults, including, if possible, their own parents. A classmate who couldn't control his anger properly could be manipulated into trying to hit him during class, making him look like the bully and the protagonist as the victim from there on. A 'friend' could be convinced that his parent's divorce was his fault and that he deserves to never see his father again. A neighbor's kid who was scared of snakes would keep finding them in his stuff. Not even adults were safe from him. He would constantly try to figure out how any adult could be manipulated into doing or reacting how he wanted. But if he felt that he could get away with it anonymously he would start rumors about them, misconstructing even small words or actions in his favor. Very few people were aware of the full extent of his cruel tendencies, mostly his victims and his parents, who saw him without his mask often enough to realize what he was capable of.

They would sometimes have a parent come to them to apologize for their child starting a fight with their son but deep down they knew that it was their son who instigated the conflict. Or they would hear about some tragedy or accident that happened in the neighborhood and would suspect that their son was involved. They had to witness how that innocent childish frustration he showed when he was six and getting scolded would morph into frustrated helpless anger at eleven and into pure seething hate at fifteen. He was never violent during those moments, not even throwing stuff or screaming, but the hate and lack of any remorse they saw in his eyes made them genuinely fear him. When he was younger, they would scold or punish him, watching him get increasingly angry that they wouldn't believe him that he wasn't guilty. And why wouldn't they believe him? He had a neighbor say he wasn't there when the fight happened, there were multiple kids saying he was in a different area at the time, they had no reason to suspect him! He covered all his tracks, why couldn't he trick them? He would make sudden angry movements during those arguments, he'll pace restlessly from a corner of the room to another, basically growling and sneering at them. At some point he'd just turn around and leave, telling them that the discussion was pointless like they had no say in it. By the time he reached high school they were too scared to do anything. They would just try to ignore any suspicious behaviors or activities and would avoid any potentially upsetting topic to keep the peace. It was easier this way, especially since no one else was suspecting their son and would rush to reassure them that whatever happened wasn't his fault.

His interest in science and fantasy and learning new things didn't weaver with time. Nor did the odd contemplative moments. Aside from getting fascinated with an object or an action, his parents would sometimes notice him staring transfixed at the sky, not as much as stargazing, but more like waiting for something to happen, all tense and impatient, with his eyes darting around the sky as if looking for something. Eventually, he would leave, looking confused and frustrated, like he himself didn't knew what he was waiting for, the same look of frustration he would show from early childhood whenever he didn't understand something, acting like the explanation was spitefully kept from him. He would also sometimes spend minutes just staring in the mirror, like he was trying to read something in those dark eyes staring back at him.

Soon after college he told them he wanted to buy his own house, mentioning the money he gathered who knows how (the parents certainly didn't want to ask). They rushed to assure him they'll help cover whatever money he still needs, making him look suspiciously at them. His ideas weren't generally this well received. After a few months of looking around, he eventually bought a house in another part of the town, close enough that he could still visit, but not close enough to meet daily. It was the first time in years when the parents could finally relax, even if they were ashamed to admit that they were terrified of their own son. And after he started his cookie baking, it was the first time in their life when they saw him looking genuinely happy about something. He was talking excitedly about his cookies and what he types he was planning to try baking next, and he looked like a normal young adult for once. Of course, it wouldn't last…

*

If anyone has any criticism or commentary feel free to post them. I'm still poking at the ideas here so any suggestions or discussions are welcomed right now.

[lamnwar]

Hey can I get a Knb head cannons with the GOM and Kagami along with Kyoshi Teppei with like a 4’10 girlfriend (idk I feel like it would be funny especially with Murasakibara) I hope you like this idea my first time requesting here

Heyyy hun 💕 ofc I'm gonna write hcs on this because ik it's gonna be hilarious 😭 thanks for the request, I hope you enjoy it <333

HEY THERE, LITTLE THING // KNB Headcanons

Context: how these KNB characters would behave with their short girlfriend (4"10 or 148 cm).

Pairing: GOM + Kagami + Kiyoshi x fem! Reader

Warnings: none I kept it sfw lol, making fun of short people a bit but I promise I love y'all like that <3

AKASHI

Doesn't really bother him to be honest

He's not the tallest himself, pretty average in size, in fact, so it'd be ironic if he had an issue with it

Probably the only person who never calls you cute because of your size

No, my dude is a proper gentleman so he never calls anyone cute, let alone his girlfriend

To him you'll always be "gorgeous", "beautiful" or at the very least "pretty"

Likes that, due to the size difference, your face falls right in his chest when you hug

He loves that you can hear his heartbeat that way <3

If you like heels, he buys them for you without you asking

Not because he wants you to be taller, but just because he enjoys seeing his girl being all pretty and happy

Yeah, really the most lowkey of all about your size

MIDORIMA

Before you guys started dating, he made some maths

He calculated how the size difference would affect you in almost all situations

Yes, he has to bend almost all the way down to kiss you, and yes, you guys look a bit funny when walking together in public

But despite all the "inconveniences", he loves you too much to care about the practicality of it all

Takao definitely makes fun of him for finding a girlfriend almost half his size

But Takao is also slightly scared of you so he eventually tones down on the jokes

Midorima does get pissed at him sometimes for that but he stays civil about it

At the end of the day, he loves you so something like size shouldn't matter

He even grows to appreciate the size difference quite a bit

It makes him feel like a proper boyfriend, one that can protect you if need be

Loves to hold your hand and kiss your knuckles, even if your entire hand fits in his palm <3

AOMINE

Omg such an asshole about it I'm sorry 😭

Calls you his "pocket size girlfriend"

Loves calling you "shorty" just because it pisses you off

Actually lifts you up randomly in the middle of your fights just so you know that he's a titan next to you

The kind to rest his elbow on your head when standing next to you

Makes jokes about how you're closer to his dick than his face when you're standing

He's so annoying but I PROMISE he actually loves you

His favourite thing about having a short girl as his girlfriend is that he can look over you all the time

Becomes your bodyguard, even though you don't need one

Will physically fight anyone that makes fun of your size (only he is allowed to do so)

Offers you free rides on his shoulders just so, I quote, "you can see how it looks like up there for once"

KISE

Kise is a firm believer that all women are beautiful, no matter their height or size so he just loves his girlfriend, despite the drastic size difference

Does call you cute and adorable often but he can't help it!!

Lifts you up everytime you kiss, so you don't have to break your neck trying to reach him and he doesn't have to bend too much either

Offers to be the small spoon from time to time because "you deserve to feel big sometimes"

Don't ask, he's just persuaded that you have the secret desire to be a giant

Tells everyone he knows that you have the most grandiose presence despite your height

Kinda awkward about the size difference but it's all out of love, I promise!

MURASAKIBARA

Didn't notice you for a while, till he once accidently bumped into you

He was so intrigued and amused by you

Found it so funny that you'd bump into each other, considering that he was the tallest person in the area and you were the shortest

He literally lifted you up just so he could see you from up close

You were so flabbergasted by him doing that that you had no idea if you should be offended or not 💀

Kinda confused about how he fell for someone who is half his size but he doesn't bother thinking more about it

Loves giving you head pats!! Your head fits entirely in his hand, he's amazed by that

Sometimes puts snacks on top of your head like you're a table

It's annoying but he finds it convenient so he won't stop

Lifts you up randomly with one arm (like you'd lift up a cat) and carries you around just for fun

Also because one of his steps is like 2-3 of yours, so that way he doesn't have to wait for you to catch up when you walk together

KAGAMI

Aaaaah... my precious, precious Taiga is literally so scared to be around you

He feels like he's gonna accidentally trip on you at all times

(because he did once, actually 😭)

Extra cautious around you because of that

Sometimes doesn't notice you when you're next to him

Not because you have no presence, but simply because his vision field is limited

He's eventually learned to recognize the top of your head so now he can identify you anywhere just by that

Asked once if you'd have any chance of growing up if you ate more, and was ready to cook a whole feast for you if it helped you get a few inches in height

You had to tell him that's not how it worked

Despite all his awkwardness, he kinda loves having a short girlfriend

He likes how his hands are naturally at the level of your waist so now he only walks with his hand on your waist

Doesn't notice the looks your couple gets in public and he wouldn't care about it if he did, unless you cared

Then he'd probably send death glares to anyone looking at you funny

Just sweet overall, you know? Doesn't mind your height at some point, he just gets used to it

OH and he definitely always gets the stuff on the highest shelf for you without you even asking <3

KIYOSHI

"Oh, you're pretty short, aren't you?"

That's what he told you when you first met

He doesn't mind the size difference that much though

He never really says a thing or acts differently because of your height

But sometimes that's an issue

Since you're smaller, you're more likely to get smothered by his hugs

Almost sent your body flying once from a simple high-five 💀

Talking of which! His hands are probably the same size as your feet, if not bigger

Actually, most of the time you're the one mindful of the size different

You have to remind him of it when he seems to forget about it

Is the kind to lift you up and put you down after if there's an obstacle on your road, instead of telling you to be careful

Likes to gently rest his hand on your head

Because of the size difference, it's sometimes more convenient for him to kiss your forehead than your lips so expect lots of forehead kisses!!

[bokugaos]

Resistance

pairing: bokuto x f!reader

length: 1.4k

summary: Bokuto is only hot and bothered when he gets to leave a very physical mark on you yet again.

tw — noncon, violence, nipple piercings, gore, serial killer / slasher!bokuto

You try everything you can to avoid thinking back to the night he first took you away, but you can’t help it. Sometimes it just worms its way into your mind and you are back there: exhausted, frail and yielding to Bokuto’s inhuman strength. 

Of course, you didn’t know him at all at the time. He was but a monster who had murdered your friends and saved you for last, apparently to subject you to unique torture.

You were so tired from running that you couldn’t fight or resist him in any way when he began tearing your clothes off of your shivering body. You didn’t think much of it either, at least until his touch expressed more intrigue than ferocity. At first you’d thought he was just trying to get a hold of you and ended up ripping your clothes in the process, but it seemed he wanted you bare for a very sinister reason.

The realization that his intentions were somehow more devious than you’d initially thought filled you with enough vigor to start putting up a fight. Even that brief burst of energy was snuffed out, however, when he easily wrestled you to the ground. Once you were out of strength for good, he sat up and pulled you into his lap, his pair of gold eyes lighting up with curiosity.

The season here sees both temperature extremes, the days are incredibly hot while nights chill you to the bone. You couldn’t help your body’s reaction to the whistling wind, your nipples perking up and hardening even without any stimulation. Bokuto had been particularly interested in your breasts, his cold rough fingers pinching around your sensitive peaks and pulling, squeezing, almost hard enough to draw blood. Eventually he moved on to explore your body in worse ways, but his attention always seemed to stray back to your breasts.

Bokuto liked the sight of your nipples, stiff and standing at attention, so much that he decided he wants to see them like that all the time. After capturing you that night in the woods and savagely fucking you into the dirt, he took you back ‘home’ with him. There, no one came for you. No one heard the awful screams he pulled from your throat when he pierced your nipples with what you hoped was a relatively clean needle. If not, at least death by means other than his hatchet or chainsaw would quickly come to free you from him.

Those hopes were dashed when days, weeks, months passed and you are still relatively healthy. You hate how well your body is taking to its new piercings, like it is wholeheartedly accepting Bokuto’s oppressive presence in your life. While you don’t have the physical strength to fight him, you’ve at least hoped to maintain the mental fortitude necessary to resist him, no matter what he put you through.

You resist him in small ways, like ignoring him when he calls for you or making it harder for him to get between your legs. Bokuto seems to like you to some degree since he is so reluctant to punish you, but you’ve found the end of his patience. If he could just get you to behave, you’d be able to see what a good man he could be.

One evening, you are very begrudgingly straddling his pelvis and riding him. His eyes are focused very intently on your breasts and the way they bounce with each move. By now your piercings are fully healed, and he loves nothing more than rolling the delicate beads between the pads of his fingers. You bite your lip when he grabs them both at the same time. You hate these piercings for a number of reasons, and one of them is that they made every touch that much more intense.

You spit at him to get his attention, somehow finding the courage to be earnest as you feels your body edge to another unwilling orgasm. Bokuto looks up at you but continues thumbing your nipples, enraptured by the way you tremble in response. Feeling like your point isn’t getting across satisfactorily, you reiterate, “You can’t keep me here forever.”

That seems to get a reaction out of him. His back is straight as he lowers his hands from you, slow and calculated. You stop moving to try to get a better look at his eyes but his grip goes up to your waist, keeping you bouncing on his thick cock. When you take the hint to continue riding him without his guidance, you make the mistake of not following where his hands go after he remove them from your body a second time. “I won’t tell anyone. Please... just let me go.”

You are ready to throw out another scathing remark when a painful sensation behind you made you bite your tongue. Your head whips around and you almost wish you haven’t looked. Unbeknownst to you, Bokuto has picked up his upholstered hatchet from the side of the bed and carved a single precise slice into the back of your ankle. You howl in pain and try to twist your body off of his, but his free arm wraps around your waist and holds you still. You can do little more than cry and convulse when he reaches over to slice your other ankle, just for good measure.

Blood bubbles out of the wounds and spills over your dry skin, staining the ratty old sheets beneath you. You fall forward, taking the lapel of his shirt between your teeth and beating your fists uselessly against his chest to cope with the pain. He looks down at you for a moment before tossing his hatchet to the floor in favor of petting the back of your head. “You’re going to be here with me for a very long time. You might as well try to enjoy it.”

Somehow it takes no time at all for your wails to die down into quiet whimpers and for your tear ducts to apparently run dry. You hate to admit it, but maybe there wisas something comforting about the way Bokuto strokes your hair. And as you lean into him, you almost swear his typically hard, gruff body actually feels soft warm enough to be loving. His heart is beating faster than normal and there is a lively flush to his skin. Before you let your mind start accepting that he is the only company you have for miles, however, you try to pinpoint the reason for this sudden change. You remember seeing him like this exactly once before. The night he pierced you, he had a similar air of liveliness to him. The warm comfort that had been getting ready to settle in your stomach was forced out by a feeling of sickness. Bokuto is only getting hot and bothered because he gets to leave a very physical mark on you yet again.

What has calmed down to a throbbing pain abruptly spiked up in intensity when he wraps his arms around your waist and begins thrusting up into you all over again. His harsh movements jostle your mangled legs and make you cry out, desperately clinging to him and digging your nails into his shirt just so you can cope with the excruciating experience. Whether he’s simply decided he wants to finish or the opportunity to mutilate you is just that exciting for him, you don’t know and you don’t ask. You simply continue grinding your teeth against his shirt as he finishes himself off inside of you.

Bokuto continues thrusting even after he comes, though not as fast. But he is forceful enough to punch up against your cervix each time, a dull ache in comparison to the agony that afflicted your ankles. When he finally settles, you think you’ll surely die of blood loss. You hope for it at least, but it is never so easy.

You can tell by the affectionate hand petting your cheek that you will be nursed back to health again, just like the first time, all so he can find another way to ruin you.

[sevenkittensinatrenchcoat]

Headcanons: The Ages of Cats

After giving it some thought, I arranged the Cats in the 1998 Film from what I see as youngest to oldest. I’ll give their ages as “like a human at around X years old”, though I’ve tried to calculate it in years a cat might’ve actually lived as well.

I mostly wanted to write this to demonstrate how Cats shows every stage of life as a sort of theme:

Jemima: 12-13

I consider the Jellicle Ball to be a sort of PG-13 event that very young kittens usually don’t attend. They’d have difficulty staying up all night for it, even if they slept during the day. Even adult cats in their prime sleep a lot and kittens need even more sleep than adults do.

So, Jemima is just barely at the minimum age to attend. She’s not as far along in puberty as the other kittens, though she has the same crush on Tugger that the other girls do. It’s not quite as sexual, more about how cool he is.

Jemima contrasts with Grizabella by being the very youngest, a child with a full life ahead of her. She’s at the beginning of the cycle that Grizabella’s at the end of.

Etcetera, Pouncival, and Victoria: 16

These three all come from the same litter. They all have a bit more of a connection to Jellylorum than the other kittens do, so they’re her litter. They’re maturity varies, but they’re all hormonal teenagers, while also sometimes still acting like children. They’re also close enough to Jemima in age that she can fit in as one of their group.

Electra and Tumblebrutus: 17

I don’t know if they’re the same litter or not, but they’re a step ahead of the others. Electra and Etcetera are often seen together, as are Tumblebrutus and Pouncival, so they can be compared. In the female pair, Electra is quieter and more behaved than Etcetera, who is often a bit out of control. In the male pair, Tumblebrutus can talk Pouncival into doing stupid things (most of which involve bullying Grizabella). Electra and Tumblebrutus are still very much kittens, but they feel slightly older than some of the others.

Plato: 18

Out of all the kittens, he’s the only one whose kitten status is up for debate. I basically see him as being like a high school senior who’s already turned 18 while his classmates are still 17. Victoria is the junior whom he invited to the senior prom. They’re still both kids, but there’s a slight difference.

Mistoffelees, Mungojerrie, Rumpleteazer, George: Late teens or early 20s.

These four are all old enough to be considered adults, but they act like kittens half the time anyway. Your average college undergrad is only slightly more mature than your average high school senior. George isn’t very prominent, so I can’t say much about him, but, Mistoffelees is the sort of Barely Adult who really wants to prove that he’s an Adult™, while Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer weren’t ready to grow up when it happened and would rather just be kids.

Alonzo, Cassandra, Coricopat, Tantomile, Tugger: Mid to late 20s.

These five are a bit more established as adults, but they seem a little less mature than some of the other adults. Alonzo basically acts as Munkustrap’s apprentice, still looking for someone older to take the lead. Cassandra, as his love interest, I would assume to be his age. She is kind of immature in the way she treats Grizabella. Coricopat and Tantomile, despite their wise mystic status, when they’re doing anything other than being psychic, they’re a bit silly. Coricopat is on the same level as Mungojerrie when it comes to girls. When Munkustrap is hurt while fighting Macavity, Tantomile is the only adult nearby and she freezes up. Also, during Macavity’s number, she reacts to some of what’s said as if she doesn’t know who Macavity is.

As for Tugger, he’s an adult who’s still young enough to be the Obnoxious Little Brother of the tribe, but he demonstrates maturity when it’s needed. He knows How to Adult; he just usually doesn’t bother.

Bombalurina, Demeter, Macavity, Munkustrap: 30s

They’re just adults, neither young nor old. Bombalurina is a bit immature, enough to fit in with Tugger, but I hc her as Demeter’s sister, who’s closer in age to Munkustrap. She also knows more of what’s going on with Grizabella and Macavity than the five mentioned above.

We don’t see much of Macavity, so he’s hard to place, but I also try to put him at Demeter’s age. Munkustrap and Macavity are good and evil twins, basically.

These four are the youngest cats that might possibly have children.

Bustopher Jones and Jennyanydots: 40s

These two are mature cats, clearly on the older side of the cast, but Bustopher is, at least by his own standards, still in his prime and Jenny is very busy and active. They’re old enough that their age is starting to show a bit, and Bustopher’s obesity might shorten his lifespan, but it also might not.

Asparagus Jr. and Jellylorum: 50s

They seem more obviously middle-aged. Jelly’s most recent litter of kittens, which probably wasn’t her first, will probably be her last, though cats don’t have menopause, so who knows.

Honestly, I can’t figure out much about Asparagus, but he seems to be Jelly’s age.

Perhaps the casting of the 98 film is what makes me see Jellylorum as a bit older. I don’t know. But, she carries authority, enough to seem to be involved in Munkustrap and Old Deuteronomy’s conference to make the Jellicle Choice! She’s also reached the age where parents and adults that were adults when she was a child are beginning to get old and die off. She spends a lot of time with Gus, knowing that there isn’t much time left.

Skimbleshanks: Early to Mid 60s.

You might be wondering why I made him older than the other mature cats. Well, there’s something I noticed about Skimble that I haven’t seen anyone else point out: He’s retired.

The lyrics to his song are all in the past tense, talking about not just individual incidents, but the general routine of the train as being something of the past. He speaks of the railway in the same way that Gus speaks of the theatre, just with more energy. He’s young enough to still have that energy, but he’s not working anymore. He might’ve retired so he could spend more time with his family. The middle-aged cats, too old for physical labor but too young to be considered old, are the ones who raise the children. Perhaps that’s how Jellicle society works. “Working” cats who retire become homemakers and look after the kittens and seniors.

Grizabella: Late 60s or Early 70s.

Grizabella is old enough to be considered old, but she’s closer in age to Skimble than to Gus. She’s in worse physical conditions than Gus, because Gus is well taken care of and Grizabella has been living alone on the streets. She’s old enough to have lived a long life, but she’s also been prematurely aged by circumstance. Because of her health, she gets bumped ahead of Gus on the list for the Heaviside Layer.

Gus: 80s or 90s

Gus is old enough that he needs to be taken care of and shows signs of dementia. He’s had the chance to live a long, happy life, though. Hopefully, he’ll make it one more year to be the next Jellicle Choice.

Old Deuteronomy: So ancient that no one would dare to guess

He basically transcends the laws of age.

So, in conclusion, the cast shows us childhood, puberty, coming of age, taking on more responsibilities as an adult, aging, retirement, old age, and eventually death and rebirth.

[ghosthan]

what would you say are the differences between 616 Tony and MCU Tony? 🤔

Hi anon! Many people have talked about this and I'm certainly not the authority on the topic, but I’ll try my best to explain some of the major differences that I have noticed! Thank you for asking and I’m sorry it took me so long to answer you.

Important to note: neither version of Tony has had a totally consistent characterization. Depending on who you ask and which comics/movies they've consumed, they might give you a different answer here and not be wrong.

616 Tony is even harder to put into one box because his character has been around since Tales of Suspense in the 1950s. That’s a long time. Things have changed over time, under different writers, changing political atmospheres, and outside pop culture influence (including influence from the MCU, unfortunately, in recent years.) You get the picture. So I’ll be making some generalizations and try to be clear about which eras I’m speaking when I make these comparisons, but ultimately, if someone wanted to be contrarian, you could probably refute a lot of what I say here if you cherry pick canon. Which is fair enough! That’s sort of the fun of comics, there’s so much to choose from and something for everyone.

So here are some observations from me, under the ‘read more’.

1. Physical Appearance

This is sort of an easy one, but worth mentioning!

MCU Tony does not look like 616 Tony. RDJ is great, but he would not be most 616 fans’ casting choice on looks alone. MCU Tony is tan, a Malibu man, with brown hair and brown eyes, and RDJ has sort of round facial features (a funny sloped nose, big, round eyes, round forehead, not a particularly sharp or classically “superhero masculine” face.) As you may know, this lends well to certain fanworks and tropes, such as Tony having Bambi eyes.

Or Tiny Tony. He is not actually canonically small, but he's smaller in the MCU than in 616 and from what I can tell, a portion of fandom has latched onto that. He’s a grown man, but RDJ is pretty short, and of slighter build than 616 Tony. RDJ is 5′9, but they make him act in heels, and I believe his canon MCU height is 5′11. Another popular trope I’ve seen is shrinking Tony in fanfic/fanart for a dramatized height difference with Steve, making him weak or fragile; this is fine because everyone has their own taste, but for the official record, he’s a capable, strong guy! Especially in earlier stages of the MCU, in which he’s a bit younger. Tony isn’t just a brain; he carries out his plans with his own two hands! He builds his armor, he remodels his lab, he survives hand to hand combat when he doesn’t have the armor. Muscles!

616 Tony is 6′1 without armor and 6′6 in armor (making him taller than his 616 Steve counterpart in armor and very close to the same height out of armor!) 616 Tony is generally paler with black hair (sometimes the classic blue-black I love so much) and blue eyes, and it obviously depends on the artist, but he has a pretty typically ‘masculine’ face and build. Generally he is drawn with a squared jaw and a high bridged nose (such as in the Extremis storyline, or drawn by Marquez), but again, this varies from artist to artist! Here's some examples of 616 Tonys.

Wait, you might be saying, but I have seen comic panels where Tony has brown hair/brown eyes!

Yep. Due to a combination of forgetfulness, inconsistency, and the MCU bleeding into the general consciousness of the comics, sometimes Tony is randomly depicted in the image of RDJ, or if not in his image, at least visually inspired by the MCU-- hair color and style, eye color, dialogue, etc.

616 fans don’t typically love this; he’s very handsome when drawn this way, of course, (look at him!) But it isn’t really the same character.

Also, MCU Tony has (at least for some of his movies) a reactor built into his chest. While 616 Tony has, at times, been more or less physically connected/dependent to his tech, he doesn’t have the built in reactor (most generally speaking, there are times in comics when he temporarily has the tech built in, but this isn’t really the status quo.)

2. Relationship with parents/ family history

While it is definitely implied in the MCU that Howard was not a good father to Tony, (such as in Iron Man 2 when Tony says “You're talking about a man whose happiest day of his life was shipping me off to boarding school” and “He was cold, calculating, never told me he loved me, never even told me he liked me”), Tony has a different sort of attitude toward Howard in MCU than in 616. It’s kind of weird, and hard to discuss. To me, it seems implied that MCU Howard was emotionally abusive to Tony based on what Tony does say about his childhood, and yet, the films kind of randomly give Howard weird moments of “Well, he tried his best and deep down he loved me the whole time!” forgiveness. MCU has a Howard kink and I'm very cringe-face emoji about it.

For example, Iron Man 2 shows that old film reel of Howard talking about how Tony is the greatest thing he ever created, and in Endgame, when Tony goes back in time, he meets Howard and has a very weird interaction with him in which Howard declares he would do anything for his son, (to his deeply damaged son who is a new father himself.) Yet, for all his talk, it's his actions that speak, and his actions left Tony damaged, traumatized, and emotionally inept at forming healthy relationships. So.

Sorry. I’m a little bitter. I'm just uncomfortable with how they sort of set up an abuse history but then treated it kind of lightly and Howard gets off the hook as "well, he tried his best" without really acknowledging the hurt he caused.

Avengers: Endgame 2019

I won't go super in depth into the abuse stuff because it's a little touchy and could take up a lot of this post. But.

I’m not against any reconciliation and I do appreciate the fact that a lot of times, victims of abuse feel a desire to forgive and reconnect with their abuser-- my issue with the MCU depiction of Tony and Howard is that Tony never really gets the vindication of his abuse being recognized for what it was before he forgives Howard. To me, that’s not forgiveness as kind of... gaslighting himself that it wasn't as bad as he remembered his own experience being, because of a sense of nostalgia and grief. It’s not the same, and I have issues with it.

However, a lot of my opinion is based on subtext and it is just my opinion; with depictions of abuse, different people are going to react differently, and other people may have found these scenes touching and gotten something positive out of them, and that's totally fine too!

It’s also a bit difficult to talk about Tony’s relationship with Howard in 616, for a few reasons: shifting timelines, lots of canon that I have not read all of, and the fact that it really is difficult to sum up such a complicated relationship.

Right off the bat, I’ll address the basics. I used the same scene in another ask, and I think it's frequently cited in any meta regarding Howard, but in Iron Man Vol. 1, we see more into Tony’s childhood and see Howard verbally abusing his family, drunk, at the dinner table.

Iron Man Vol. 1 #285

We get this scene with adult Tony’s retrospective commentary on how his own issues that he blamed himself for were actually a cycle starting with his father, the insecurity and abuse and alcohol, and that he realizes how much this has influenced him. Both MCU Tony and 616 Tony have some form of “stop the cycle of shame” arcs, but I don’t really see how this works narratively in the MCU because Tony makes excuses for Howard and continues to blame himself for a lot of his own personal struggles, whereas I think there’s just a bit more nuance in 616.

But uh. This isn’t totally true, and in recent years, things got real weird. I choose to ignore this chapter of canon, but in the Dan Slott run, Tony Stark: Iron Man, Tony’s whole backstory gets imploded. For one thing, the little of Tony’s childhood it shows in a flashback is uh. Uh. Well, it’s certainly out of character compared with previous 616 material, depicting Tony as an overly confident poor sport.

Basically, Tony is adopted. Tony has an evil brother. Tony’s biological parents make an appearance, as do his ‘classic’ parents, Howard and Maria. It’s just weird. It’s kind of out there. I’m honestly not a huge fan of this and ignore a lot of it, but it is certainly a difference between MCU and 616.

3. Personality

I’m going to be very general. Both Tony’s have an outer self which they present to the public and an inner self, but they’re a bit different. Both Tony’s have struggled with self loathing, but I think MCU Tony’s actual self worth is a bit higher, even just at some points in time. Even if his ego is part of his facade, I think he does believe some amount of the “I’m awesome”, even if just when it applies to his own work/inventions/saving people. Not to say that these moments of fluctuating self esteem make him egotistical, but this combined with his egotistical act and snarky, non-stop sassy dialogue, he’s quite different in general personality from 616 Tony, who is much more reserved.

Some more recent iterations of 616 Tony have been adapted to reflect the snark of the MCU, but he’s not so snarky and he tends to approach things more seriously. This is not a dis on MCU Tony; I think MCU Tony uses false ego and excessive sassy jokes as a means to deflect and control, which I think is very interesting and it’s nice to see this explored more in depth in fic where you get to see the thought process behind the bravado. MCU Tony is a partier, a good times guy, especially during Iron Man 2, in which he really does disregard consequences to have fun (driving his race car, partying drunk in his suit, letting pretty  girls play with the armor, shooting off repulsor blasts for fun in a crowded room); I’m not bashing MCU Tony-- I think he had psychologically understandable reasons for behaving this way, the man was dying-- but 616 Tony really doesn’t act this way generally, and I think it’s a personality difference more than a difference of one being “better.”

616 Tony handles his stress differently, and they just have different psychological patterns, I think. I’m coming up kind of blank trying to think of a good comparable 616 arc, (sorry, I’m brain dead) but a less-than-perfect  example might be Tony’s brain delete arc; he’s “dying”, like in Iron Man 2 he  knows his expiration date, (circumstances are quite  a bit different), but he throws himself more into work, into a cause, and as he really fall apart, we  see him spiral into self doubt, remorse, fear, and insecurity, sort of falling into  himself with lots of manly tears and calling himself pathetic.

(Some things happen in this arc that a lot of people find Gross. I also find these events gross. But. I don’t count the sex in “World’s Most Wanted” as partying to cope with personal mortality, because I think both character involved are in “end of the world” mode, and it’s more seeking intimacy for comfort than partying to numb the hurt. Does this distinction make sense? No? Perfect, moving on.) 616 Tony is generally much more humble.

Whereas MCU Tony, I think, tries to outrun those feelings via parties or making dozens of new suits, or seeking comfort by comforting others! Gifting things to people, building things for people, highly personalized individual living quarters, teaching Nebula games and trying to show her a fun time when they were in peril together.

They have some traits in common, for sure! But canon being inconsistent both in the MCU and in 616, my observations aren’t the rule, because I’m kind of cherry picking and going based on limited memory. But off the top of my head, they’re both extravagant gift givers! Recall Tony gifting Pepper the giant bunny in Iron Man 3, and compare this with Tony carrying a mile high pile of Christmas gifts after shopping with Rumiko in Iron Man Vol. #3.

I would say that while both Tony Starks are considered humanitarians, this is much more fleshed out and supported by canon in 616. Some examples of his philanthropy in the MCU: Tony makes charitable donations of art and money, Tony has an organization which provides disaster relief/cleanup which is referenced in Spider-Man Homecoming, Tony has an MIT grant for students and staff members. But to be honest, a lot of his MCU philanthropy is only mentioned in passing, or is largely handled by other people on his behalf and on his dollar.

In 616, we see Tony using charity almost as a means of therapy: it’s something he does very privately, not in the public eye (at least, not always), and it’s something deeply personal to him. One example that immediately comes to mind is Tony’s home for disadvantaged girls in Iron Man Vol. 3, and we see scenes of Tony basically driving the streets at night, picking up underage prostitutes, feeding them and listening to their stories before bringing them to a home he’s established where he knows all the residents, and provides educational opportunities and protection.

Another more recent example in canon that the Tony fandom loves is that Tony canonically holds babies at an orphanage. Sorry I don’t have panels for all of this, this section got long and I have been working on answering this ask in a very scattered way for a very long time.

Both Tony’s are romantics, I literally could write a whole other post about their canon love life similarities and differences, but I will briefly say that while MCU Tony does the long on and off, and eventual ultimate commitment, to Pepper Potts, 616 Tony is a serial monogamist; he is always falling in love, and he’s definitely not a playboy, but the hero-ing, self loathing, and lifestyle make it very hard for him to keep anyone in his life, and most of his partners fuck his life up and betray him. Needless to say, 616 Tony is not married, and certainly not to Pepper Potts.

Oh, and I guess this is so obvious I almost forgot to include it, but a huge similarity between both iterations of Tony is that they both constantly use their own life as a bargaining chip, and will pretty much die for anything. Or be the bad guy for a good reason (at least, in his own mind... see Civil War, or Hickmanvengers; 616 Tony, especially, does not shy away from making the hard decisions, and this leads to a lot of guilt and tension in his  relationships-- often with Steve because 616 Steve/Tony angst fans are well fed, I guess)

Remember that time Tony had Steve’s mind wiped because Tony felt that Steve’s inflexible morality might hinder the Illuminati’s ability to save the world? And it eats Tony up inside and erupts into a homicidal fight when Steve finally gets his memory back? Me too.

Tony Stark as a character is defined by sacrifice, both of his own life but also of his own happiness and reputation and conscience, I think, in a lot of ways, and we see this in many universes. I could go on about Tony’s propensity for sacrifice in the less obvious ways, because I think in terms of heroic sacrifice, Tony has done a lot that other heroes wouldn’t be able to do because of moral inflexibility and conflicting philosophical schools of thought; Tony really is the “whatever it takes” type, and often believes the ends justify the means if he deems a threat worse than the potential wrong that could be done in preventing the threat. We see this a little bit in the MCU in the creation of Ultron, and in Civil War with the Accords. But there’s a whole lot more going on there I don’t want to get into.

4. Alcohol

MCU Tony’s alcoholism is never really explicitly explored. He is shown drinking in Iron Man 1, and in Iron Man 2 he drinks a lot and makes a fool of himself publicly, but MCU Tony doesn’t get any specific narrative arc focused on his drinking, and if I recall correctly, I don’t think he ever refers to his drinking as alcoholism in the movies? Also, while his binge drinking and embarrassing behaviors ostensibly stop after the events of Iron Man 2, he is shown drinking on screen at least one other time after that which I can remember, and it wasn’t a “falling off the wagon” moment, and an alcoholic in recovery such as 616 Tony would not take a drink casually. This article sheds a little light on some decisions made about Tony and alcohol in the MCU.

Alcoholism is a huge part of 616 Tony’s personality, which I went a bit more into depth about in this post, so I won’t repeat myself too much.

5. Their relationships with the Iron Man armor

A few points here: MCU Tony is famous for the “I am Iron Man” line being repeated throughout the franchise after he blows his own secret in the end of the first movie. MCU Tony sees himself as one with Iron Man, and the suit is the tech that enables him to be this version of himself. He sees Tony Stark and Iron Man as inextricable: you cannot separate them, and his identity is public. He, as Tony Stark, is an Avenger.

You may remember MCU Tony’s induction into the Avengers; in Iron Man 2, Nick Fury is forming the Avengers and tasks the Black Widow with going undercover to assess Tony to be a part of a hypothetical initiative. “Iron Man yes, Tony Stark no” and the comments about Tony as a narcissist may be funny, but the fact is, the snark and erratic personality of MCU Tony at the time of the formation of the Avengers in the movies is not at all like the Tony of the comics, at the time of the Avengers being formed. 

In 616, things are quite a bit different! Tony invents the Iron man armor to save himself (like in the MCU) and uses it for hero-ing, but in secret. He works very hard to protect his identity as Iron Man, and for a long time, as far as the world is concerned, Iron man is a mystery man piloting armor built by Tony, hired as Tony’s personal body guard, (hence the 616 Steve/Tony fandom’s proclivity for identity porn as a trope!) When the Avengers form, Iron Man is the Avenger, close friends with the Avengers, (particularly Steve!) and Tony Stark is just the benefactor of the Avengers, providing them with a place to live and finances with which to operate.

In the very early days, Tony did not have the “reactor” like in the MCU, but his chest plate did keep him alive, leading to some very dramatic shots of Tony charging up using a wall socket, lamenting the plight of a secret hero.

616 Tony, generally, and especially in some of these earlier comics, was quite reserved, rather serious, and very angsty, (in private of course.) He may be wealthy, but speaking generally, he’s much less ostentatious than MCU Tony, less of a show off, less into flashy things and grand gestures. Of course, this isn’t always true in the comics, and some iterations of Tony are more like this than others, but MCU Tony is showier, sillier, and more of a fun-times guy. Any MCU fan would find those panels quite contrary to the Tony Stark you know:

Iron Man 1

Iron Man 2

I think I would say that while MCU Tony sees himself and the Iron Man identity and the  armor as all being inextricably connected, we see a bit more compartmentalization with 616 Tony, who pretends that the armor is a whole separate person for years when his identity was private, and we see instances in older and newer comics, in which Tony  is uncomfortable with some aspect of himself as Iron Man (for instance, during the second drinking arc, Tony temporarily swears off being Iron Man entirely, or for another example, when Tony is in a comma and Tony AI exists during Secret Empire, Tony “lives” in the Iron Man suit, and I think this could be interpreted as a meta parallel to Steve during this arc; Steve has had some core aspect of his character inverted, Captain America becoming Captain Hydra, so Tony experiences a similar inversion-- Tony Stark and Iron Man are forcibly merged, in a way that Tony seems deeply uncomfortable with, if his digital drinking relapse is any indication. But I digress; sorry for the tangent.)

Okay this post is inexcusable long, and very, very tangential, and I don’t feel like I’ve really covered everything I wanted to. But it has been sitting in my inbox for too long and if I don’t post it now I never will, so I hope this long, rambling thing has been a little bit helpful to you! Thank you so much for asking, I had a lot of fun rambling about this.

If you want to read a similar post, but well written and organized, with other insights, this post by Sineala answers a similar question!

[chaotichedonist]

Tharunka (Kensington, NSW : 1953 - 2010)

Wednesday 9 June 1976, page 14

   Some funny moments to tease you into reading:

Press: Roger, you're noted for your amazing screams.

Freddie: It's a controlled scream. I'd rather call it art.

/

Freddie: You're joking dear. I'm just a singer, dear.

/

It’s been a struggle, because in the beginning nobody knew what we were doing. We were the only people who believed in ourselves.

  back at the hotel sleazy

  For all those fans who were misled by the media, Queen did not spend a couple of days-relaxing on sunny Perth beaches - it rained the whole bloody time they were there. (In Melbourne the hotel was 'besiged' by fans, who to quote Pete Brown — Queen's personal manager — seemed to be emerging from the wood work). Not to be put off however, by the Australian conditions Freddie Mercury (lead vocals and keyboards) attended the press conference in white pants and a simply sumptuous summer synthetic top with delicate butterfly sleeves curling gently over his shoulders. He was even more beautiful than Sophia Loren.

  They were all quite chatty only Roger (Meadows-Taylor, the drummer) would keep interjecting, usually over John Deacon (bass) who said not an audible word.

Press: Would you describe your music as mock opera? 

Freddie: They call it cock-opera back home. 

Roger: I suppose because the vocals are in the 'grand style'. 

Press: When is your next album coming out? 

Freddie: We'll have a rest and think about it.. 

Roger: We just don't bung'em together. 

Brian: We don't sort of write sitting in hotel rooms you know. 

Freddie: We gather influences. 

Press: Your music has been described as snob rock. What do you think? 

Freddie: I couldn't describe our music as anything. We certainly don't put across that this it intelligent music that is on a completely differenrt level to the people who come to it. 

Roger: It's written for the people. That's what it's all about. 

Press: The theme of death recurs on your albums. Why this preoccupation?

Roger: Freddie's morbid mind.

Press to Freddie: Do you consider yourself a sex-symbol?

Freddie: You're joking dear. I'm just a singer, dear.

Press to Roger: Do you consider yourself a superstar? 

Roger: As meaningless, (blows kisses).

Roger on the media - absurd for a magazine combine rock and politics. 

Press: Roger, you're noted for your amazing screams. 

Freddie: It's a controlled scream. I'd rather call it art. 

Undauted by the fearless Australians they continued talking about their lyrics and the esoteric implication.

Roger: Freddie just loves the word 'Beelzebub'. 

Freddie: Yes, well, Brian's got a taste for unusual words. 

Roger: You talking about dandling on your knee and things? 

All four of them write songs and each has at least one song on 'A Night At The Opera'. 

Brian: It's very difficult to talk about our songs as a group because we all have different ideas of what the songs are about. 

Roger: No we don't. 

Freddie: Roger's the sensitive one. 'I'm in love with my car' is the most sensitive song on the album (Night At The Opera). 

Roger did tend to sit there pouting at the bows on his pink lame gym-boots. One hardly noticed the dark roots in this gold angelic hair. We did ask, but unfortunately Roger didn't have a pic of himself in the gymboots. Roger was later accosted by David Essex fans in the foyer of the hotel, who wished to know if he was a popstar, girls now have Roger's autograph. Back to the lyrics..

Freddie: Every song is written by one of us and means something special to each one of us. Certain songs have a very literal meaning and can be understood straight away. Then there are some songs that can be taken on a lot of different levels.

He describes a lot of his songs as fantasies. 'We want to consciously lose ourselves. There are certain things we want to escape from in our lives or whatever.' He feels that people should create their own private fantasies from the images in his songs and so doesn't like to talk about what they mean to him. 'I'd hate to shatter someone's illusion. If I listen to somebody's songs I conjure up a fantasy of what its about and I like to keep it that way.'

He elaborated further.. 'Lyrically it is helpful to use certain words. You see it depends.. sometimes I want to use words that are phonetically useful. In the beginning they're surface words but you entwine them into the meaning of a song. That's what I mean about different levels.' 

Brian May has a different approach to his songs, 'There's usually something serious behind them, but I feel a big responsibility not to over-indulge in idealogies. In 'White Queen' I was very interested in the significance of Queens and White Ladies in English folk lore. The song started off as a personal experience, the frustration of not being able to communicate, I was thinking about Robert Graves' ' White Goddess' and that became involved in the song.' 

Roger: Romantic slush.

Brian: Our 'Now I'm Here' song is really about our first American tour. A big experience for anybody. It's a conglomeration of all the experiences we had on that tour. We had a great time with Mott the Hoople. I suppose they taught us to be a touring band.

We're very critical about each other and very cynical. We don't get deeply into meanings because you're living with it all the time. You have to be a bit light-hearted about it.

With four individual writers the albums were not done with a specific concept in mind. The 'White Queen' was written four years before the 'Black Queen'.

Brian: I don’t think that Freddie’s 'Black Queen' was a reaction to the 'White Queen'. We just discovered that we had these songs and the rest of the album seemed to fit around it.

Freddie: It probably subconsciously coheres.

Similarly ‘A night At The Opera’ has no overall concept though the name of the album is related to Freddie’s ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’.

As Brian puts it ‘We are four very different people with four very different directions, but there is a musical development that does make some kind of sense. Queen is very much an independent thing. We are always bouncing ideas off each other. We are very aware that we need each other.’

The rapport between them onstage bears out this statement. They work off each other in a carefully intergrated show thatt creates an atmosphere of spontaneity for the audience.

At the opening of their set there is a flash of fire and smoke as Queen emerge on stage. While music winds up they launch into ‘Orge Battle’. Like a Greek God or a simister Mephistopheles Freddie's powerful vocals cut through the smoke and flames. 

With the stage show the band is doing something different to stimulating their records. Brian: "You don't get up there and behave like you do in the street. You go up there to entertain people and give them some kind of excitement". They have rearranged some of their songs especially for stage performance, including a medley of 'Bohemian Rhapsody', 'Killer Queen', 'Black Queen' and 'Leyroy Brown', which grinds down into 'March of the Black Queen' and then skips out on a lighter note which features Brian on genuine Japanese ukalele. 

The brilliant solo Brian performs in 'Brighton Rock', with sweet high Paginini frills and harmonies, stimulating two or three guitars on stage, is in a style he has evolved himself. He got the idea the first time he was in a recording studio. Says Brian: "It was my first experience of doing multi-tracking. It happened to be in the cannon-things which repeat themselves. You play one, then you play the same over the top of it after a time interval. Later we started to do those things on stage but there was the problem of how to do it. We started having a single delay and then another one over the top of it. Then afterwards you do another repeat on the second. You can then do three part harmonies with yourself. We started to base it all on ten second solos and it grew and grew. There's a lot of other people doing it now and I'm glad because it’s a thing you can play around with.' 

In the stage arrangement of "Prophet's Song' Freddie uses a similar echo feedback system which multiplies his voice into a celestial choir. His voice floats as a vision - "Listen to the madman' - while Brian plays some beautiful guitar.

encore amore

Brian describes their encore performance as the time when the band really unwinds. "It's nice at the encore to just completely unbend and make a fool of yourself. It gets rid of the tension between the band and the audience. I used to get a kick out of going to concerts to see rock groups like the 'Who' and feeling involved, like the group knew you were there. WE go by the kinds of things we think people would like at an encore. It's at a very basic level really, an energy level, a physical level. Rock and Roll is kind of a body music. I get as much satisfaction out of basic rock'n'roll like Status Quo as the most sophisticated music I know.' 

The audience certainly enjoyed it and really let loose their energy. Roger (who claimed the most female screams) in rainbow mop-wig opened the encore with slow heavy rock-beat as Freddie did a dramatic entrance in a silk kimino. As he eased into 'Big Spender', he peeled off to striped hot pants for an outrageous version of 'Jailhouse Rock' - simple hard-driving rock'n'roll that had everybody out of their sets.

gettin' feelin' thru th' transistors

Brian was rather upset that the Australian Press should braiid them as a manufactured band. If 'Bohmeian ,hapsody' can be seen as incorporating the spectrum of s talent - mood changes, heavy stuff, the soft ballad - it is not because they (men of letters from universities) have developed a magic 'X' formula. Rather the song can be seen as a musical progression, a reworking of motifs off their other albums. 

Brian can only say that, 'They obviously didn't see us in the earlier days. I can understand why they'd say that over here. Big impact. Overnight success. It must have been all calculated. If you’d seen the way it happened in England, you wouldn’t think that. I’ve had years playing pubs in England where people were drinking beer and discussing what other people were doing and not listening to the music. I want to build up this thing where people do want to go to a concert. While it begins to look like the commercial side, it;s what it’s all about. I want knock it because I want people to come and hear what we do. 

It’s been a struggle, because in the beginning nobody knew what we were doing. We were the only people who believed in ourselves. We started playing because we had some kind of vision that we thought was worthwhile. For over a year and a half we were playing to ourselves. Gradually you gather people around who believe and that’s the way it happened.

Nobody is going to tell us to play what is commercial. What we play comes from us. We’re very lucky really in that we have a kind of audience who are attentive to whatever direction we choose to follow. One of us will come up with a song and we'll say, 'Yeah, it needs that kind of treatment and maybe that turns out to be something you call heavy and sometimes something which is light.' 

To get back to the charge that they are a manufactured band, while he doesn't like it, he can only take it as a compliment that they think the band is so good. He doesn't consider himself a technician "technically I've stayed the same for the last six or seven years. Progress is what you feel and what you are putting across. That's what playing is about for us.' 

Freddie: There's a lot of music there too.

Roger: A bit of music, yeah.

low key queen

By Anne Finnegan

Wednesday 9 June 1976

If you save, do not forget to leave a link to this, coz i kinda found it by myself and made and transcipt. Thanks :)

[illgiveyouahint]

Do you reckon there’s a difference between how guys talk about guys (as in they’re bi or gay) vs girls talk about guys? I feel there’s a difference between how girls talk about girls vs guys talk about girls

Hello anon,

Well I cannot speak to how straight men talk about girls since I don't really spent time in a straight men's company. However I do think I can speak to ho hetero girls talk about guys, how queer women talk about women, how queer men talk about men and how bi+ women talk bout men and bi+ men talk about women. And of course there is always a difference.

Being queer will always shape your being and will of course shape not only how you experience attraction but also how you experience yourself. I would say that with same sex attraction there is more of an equality. Your attraction somewhat exists outside of that patriarchal structure. Doesn't mean it doesn't affect you at all, it is just less likely to influence your attraction and how you behave in regards to that attraction than with opposite sex attraction. It also doesn't mean that queer people cannot be toxic. Oh boy they very much can. But in in general I feel the way society is constructed you don't have that weird gender patriarchal imbalance there with same sex couples.

It's interesting. As you know I am very involved in a queer organisation so I spend a lot of time with gay men, sometimes being the only girl in the room even so I feel like I've seen how gay men talk about other men and I've also unfortunately have been subject to how straight women talk about men and yes it is very much different. With gay men it tends to be more often about the physical aspects - "i like how he looks". With straight women it tends to be more about how they behave. Of course for both the other thing is important too. But in conversations this is what's sticking out with each group more. Men in general are usually more straight forward. They can tell if they like someone or not quite quickly. Their brain is sort of simple in that way while women tend to overanalyse and focus on feelings and emotions more. And then when you put two gay men together i feel like it's easier for them to get together because they both make that simple calculation of their brain (i like him i don't like him). While when you put two lesbians together it has the opposite effect because they both tend to overanalyse and be very unsure and until one of them breaks the peak dumbass brain they can be pining for each other for months. I mean there are exceptions of course but this is sort of general what I've seen.

And lastly I feel like bi men and bi women have sort of a mixture of both and all these things. Despite the stereotype I haven't met a lot of promiscuous biseuxals. In fact quite the opposite. Most bisexuals I know are very insecure, very messed up and don't have a lot of luck in relationships. In fact I don't think I know a single bisexual who would be in a relationship right now.

Does any of this make sense. I'm too tired to be reading it over.

[illegiblewords]

45. Is your character pragmatic? Think first? Responsible? All action? A visionary? Passionate? Quixotic?

Thanks for the ask dude! :D

Cenric (Black Mage) is very cautious most of the time, prone to overthinking and being if anything a bit too self-critical. He does sometimes hit his stride to let loose and move more confidently but he kinda has to stumble into it. He's pragmatic about some things, like watching out for other people, but not so much himself. Guy was literally looked at as a possible voidsent for a bit and then lived as a beggar for years, he spends a stupid amount of money now on fancy clothes and impressive mounts to try and own the vibe that caused him such trouble. He thinks that if he hasn't made a tangible change for the better in some way what he's done has no point, but feels very in over his head when it comes to societal questions and politics. He literally has intense imposter syndrome about being the Warrior of Light for a long time, and while he's sort of come to terms that he's where he should be by Shadowbringers it's a very new thing for him. He spent years of his life believing he was the son of Nald'Thal and an instrument of death in the world, for allies and enemies alike. He cares a lot but snapping out of that to realize he really is just a dude who probably has duskwight lineage has taken time.

Maerec (Dark Knight) is kind of impulsive, act first do damage control after. He needs to know that in any given situation he's done all he could to make sure things worked out alright. He does think fast and tries to be considerate, but details get lost in the shuffle sometimes. He's still trying to figure out how to balance responsibility for himself versus responsibility for others, and how to be responsible for others who are in conflict. Sometimes does take more onto his shoulders than perhaps he should. He very much doesn't see himself as a visionary, just a regular (if skilled) mercenary who wants there to be less suffering and injustice in the world. Definitely passionate, sometimes makes mistakes because he behaves according to that.

Nivienne (Summoner) is EXTREMELY pragmatic and calculating. She cares a lot but everything she does is extremely deliberate. She's overall very responsible and has to balance her heart/sense of compassion and connection with what is necessary to keep people safe and free. She cares a lot but it won't hinder her in doing what needs to be done, only how she does it. She's not exactly a visionary, she more just knows there are things she doesn't like and that don't work or seem just. She understands how society is governed and play by its rules most of the time, but when she breaks the rules she tends to do it in ways that won't get caught.

Eir (Warrior) isn't really pragmatic in most respects, but her philosophy can be. She looks at the world on a small, human, literal scale for the most part with all the frailty and power attached. She has a big double standard for herself in the sense that she knows she has the power to break other people both physically and mentally/emotionally and that freaks her out a lot, but she completely disregards that other people can do the same to her. She doesn't consider herself as a smart person due to not being intellectual, but she is very thoughtful. She tends to have confidence in her actions most times, but they can and have blown up in her face with disastrous results. Long-term this can only take a toll on her. She's like a bull in a china shop that is actively trying to be careful despite it not being her nature at all. She's very action-oriented and probably the most visionary of these WoLs, very passionate. Kind of has pieces of shonen hero in her.

[mindfroggery]

Can I get more info on that asuran take on mesmers? 👀 it sounds really interesting, does it involve chronomancy?

Yeah, of course!!

So, I was thinking that asuran mesmers surely don’t get their powers from Lyssa, right? That would be a very human thing, and even to learn how to do mesmer magic, asura would explain it in terms of the Eternal Alchemy.

So, instead of fancy, illusiony, Lyssa-y mesmers, I imagine asuran mesmers to be tempospatial mages. Which is just a more science-y name for the kind of magic they deal with.

I always imagined asuran mesmers to be experts of bending space and time. I love to think about magic in a semi-scientific way when I approach it in fantasy. It abides by physical and “magical” laws. It has bases in physics, and what is not explainable by real science, that part is magic. This is good - it limits magic but allows it to be more concrete and a useful tool in storytelling.

For example, Grak, my mesmer, is an expert at teleportation. But instead of just saying “he teleports using magic” and leaving it at that, I would describe it more like a “step through space”. He looks towards his destination to gauge for safety and the amount of momentum he needs, and he leans into a step, and here is where the magic comes in - he uses ley energy and his magical powers to slip through space and time, shortening both the distance and the time it takes for him to get where he wants.

As Grak is an expert, and has been using the spell for two decades, he has mastered it to the extent that he does not need to see where he is going. Most mesmers would be restricted by walls, by objects in the way. Grak, if he knows what is on the other side of the wall, will be confident enough in his powers to not end up clipping through the wall, haha. Sometimes he doesn’t even need to look where he’s going. I imagine his path is traceable by magic detectors and he leaves a trail of “magic particles” that could give away where he went. If he wanted to go further, he would lean into the step with greater strength. 

Everything is possible to calculate. The movement has velocity, momentum and abides by physical rules that could be planned and investigated, which is much more asuran.

Similarly, illusions I base on physical things. An illusion is stronger if the recipient is familiar with the subject, but easier to break. It is more concrete, the lines are clearer, it will behave more like a real thing (e.g. conjured weapons, clones). However, an illusion is less detailed and gives the recipient a hazy, dizzying feeling when they’re not familiar with it (e.g. a stranger, a thing they’ve not seen before), but due to unfamiliarity, it is harder to break. It uses people’s brain functions against themselves and is measurable in electric signals in the brain. The magic comes in in taking the effect into motion.

Temporal magic is inherently intertwined with spatial magic. Similarly to teleportation, space is shortened and lengthened to give an illusion of a change in time.

By explaining everything similarly, in a “magiscientific” way, it’s easy to see how asura would be able to become experts of illusion without the need of a human deity’s blessings. (Plus it’s super fun to come up with laws of magic like this!!!)

[krokonoko]

Lacho fake marriage AU outline

@sob-dylan after your messages I spent the entire day thinking about that Lalo/Nacho fake dating/marriage AU and while I can’t give this fandom the 30 chapter slow burn fanfic it deserves, I can give you my rundown of one!

Lalo’s an ambitionless spoilt little brat in his mid 40’s who always thought he could just coast through life, party and have a good time and fuck whoever he wants. Which was the case, until he screws up really bad and it’s revealed to everyone in no unclear details that he’s gay as the night is dark. He thought it wouldn’t be a big deal, that tio Hector would just turn a blind eye to it like he usually does. But this time, it’s different, and Lalo is running danger of getting disowned - in a best case scenario.

And that… actually hurts Lalo. Pissed and sulky that his own family, who he’d do everything for, is so ready to just throw him out over something as trivial as this, he actually starts developing some ambition. They wanna disown him? They won’t be able to, if he’s their boss. He’s gonna show them. He’s gonna show them all.

So he actually starts rivalling Hector’s son for position of Don Hector’s successor. (I’d say Hector never ended up in a wheelchair cuz he’d lend himself perfectly for an antagonistic power in the story.) There’s just one problem: Lalo’s got to be married for the job. Now he COULD just get himself a fake girlfriend - or he could piss everyone who spurned him off even more and get married to a guy. Now all he needs to do is find a man whom he trusts completely, who can handle himself in sticky situations, and who is ready to set foot into the lion’s den that is the Salamanca family and the cartel business.

What better candidate than dear Ignacio.

Nacho is of course not exactly enthusiastic about the proposal, and no promises of material wealth will change his mind. So Lalo strikes a deal with him. Complete immunity for Nacho and his dad, protection from within and outside of the Salamanca family, even after their business has concluded. Which it will, after Lalo has reached his goals, and then Nacho is free to go his merry way. Nacho agrees, under one more condition: Any physical affection happening between them is purely for show, and the moment they are in private, he will NOT let Lalo lay a single finger on him. He’s no hooker, and he will most definitely not become Lalo’s little plaything.

They shake hands on it, and before Nacho knows it, he’s in Mexico, at the Salamanca’s place, and the wedding preparations are already underway. Oh my god this would be my fav part because Nacho would be introduced to Lalo’s buddies, cuz you KNOW he’s got a huge circle of syccopha- I mean friends at home that he hangs out with all day. They laugh at all his jokes and they play poker with him and Lalo has missed them SO MUCHHH. Anyway, this would be. SUCH a good opportunity. To come up with some female Salamancas. Does Lalo have sisters? WHAT ABOUT LALO’S MOM. I WOULD FUCKING LOVE to read about Lalo’s mom. I bet she’s amazing, just as much of a spoilt little drama queen as he is, and Lalo is a TOTAL mommy’s boy, no one can convince me otherwise. (Maybe his dad has been out of the picture for a while, cuz I would really like to push this whole Hector-is-Lalo’s-father-figure angle.)

ANYWAY, back to Lalo and his mom. She’s a tough as nails lady, lofty and reserved, but overly protective of her son. They’re super close and affectionate with each other and it’s so weird for Nacho to see cause he thinks it’s the first time that he sees Lalo with someone that he seems to. Genuinely… CARE about?? Except for Hector, that is. But mamá is not a huge fan of Lalo getting married to Nacho, she can’t understand what the FUCK her son is doing there, she begs him to PLEASE stay under the radar with his caprices and tries to talk him out of it.

This in turn only goads on Lalo. He’s getting more and more tired of the way he’s being treated. It’s not that he actually has enough social awareness to deplore his family’s homophobia. For him, this is personal. He’s been a good boy, he’s loved his family and been loyal to them all his life, he’s kept his desires on the down low for all these years, now they’re turning on him because of one measly slip up?? He’s fed up, betrayed, and he’s gonna show them. And totally not win back their respect or anything, this is not what this is about at all, noooo~

There would of course be more Salamancas, most of them taking issue with the marriage, but I do absolutely adore the idea of overly supportive Tuco!! Just THINK about it, everyone greeting the newly married couple awkwardly or even with slight hostility, only Tuco barrels in like “YEEAHHH, where’s my favorite cousin?? You and my man here? You be good! Nacho, you’ll do good by Lalo, right? Riiiight!” And everyone grows more uncomfortable by the minute while Tuco can’t read a room for shit and he’s having SUCH a ball, he’s so PUMPED it’s not even funny.

There’d be all this tension between Nacho and the other Salamancas in the weeks after the wedding, it would be glorious.

And of course there’s the matter of Nacho and Lalo having to pretend they’re married for. Other reasons than a cold and calculated agreement. They don’t spend their entire day together, both taking care of various dealings. Nacho gets incorporated in the Salamanca’s business this side of the border and proves himself just as much of a reliable associate as he has been up North.

But whenever possible, they have to have dinner together, breakfast together, and sleep in the same bed. Fortunately, they’re both professional enough to arrange themselves with the situation quickly. Lalo is sometimes a bit flirty about it, but when Nacho makes clear that he doesn’t appreciate the come-ons, Lalo backs off.

Of course Lalo still reserves his right to fuck whoever he wants, just that he has to go back to being absolutely stealth about it. Only Nacho and his lovers know about it, and it’s not that Nacho disagrees with anything that’s happening, he’s not enough into Lalo to get jealous (yet), but this is starting to look a little bit weird to him, especially when he finds out that this is how it’s been for Lalo all his life.

Nacho doesn’t understand much about social awareness either, but he knows a repressed gay when he sees one. He gets all these insights into Lalo’s life, into how he grew up, and Nacho can’t help feeling at least the slightest bit of sympathy for how Lalo had to deny himself his entire life. Him being bi wasn’t always easy either, but at least he’s not a Salamanca! …Or at least, he didn’t use to be. Maybe Nacho talks about it to some of Lalo’s buddies, some of who maybe have even known Lalo since childhood, and who have seen him struggle with this all his life.

Just… UGH, this would be the perfect opportunity to explore just how much self-denial and internalized phobias have wreaked havoc in Lalo’s head! Because if you try to approach this from Lalo’s PoV, he’s not gonna see it at ALL. A river in Egypt, baby, that’s where Lalo is about this. He’s fine, he’s FINE, he’S   F I N E, he didn’t have dreams about tio Hector shooting him in the face as a kid after that incident in the desert back when he was ten, no, he’s fine, HE’S FINE!!! But his buddies? They’re probably not the princes of social graces either, but they have EYES and maybe one or two of them give enough of a shit about Lalo to actually have noticed what’s going on, and it would be so good to have them reveal that knowledge to Nacho!

So while Nacho starts seeing Lalo in a slightly different light (we’re talking VERY slightly, repressed gay or not, he’s still a murderous sociopath), but still, there’s part of him that grows protective over Lalo. They spend a couple of months together, and Nacho is starting to settle. He only has one half of a bed instead of a whole one, but other than that, the tasks are much the same as they used to be, the goddamn luxury in which he’s suddenly living doesn’t hurt either, and it’s almost scary how easy it is to get used to all of this.

Lalo’s PDAs don’t bother him, and neither do the hostile stares. This is his role, and he’s gonna play it. There would be so much time and space for lots of power play between Nacho and Hector here, or Nacho and the other Salamancas, and it would be a thing of beauty. They live their lives under the ever watchful and suspicious eyes of Hector Salamanca, and Nacho and Lalo are starting to form an excellent team. No one can really do anything against them cuz their work is solid as all hell, and Nacho’s growing more confident by the minute.

There’s just one problem, and that’s the fact that Lalo behaving all respectful towards him and the casual kisses they sometimes share to keep up appearances are kinda starting to linger on Nacho’s mind. Lalo takes actions that show Nacho that he was being absolutely serious about protecting him as part of their deal, and Nacho can’t remember the last time someone protected him.

Nacho becomes a bit less strict about the no-body-contact-in-private policy, lets Lalo give him a massage when he’s all tense and returns the favor, and it’s not lost on him that Lalo does express some signs of attraction towards him, though he explains it away with Lalo just being. You know. Lalo.

There’s just one problem. It’s been forever since Nacho has seen Manuel, and Nacho really feels like he should check up on him. But he knows it’s against their agreement for him to just go back to New Mexico whenever he feels like it. So he offers a mutual breaching of their rules: Lalo lets Nacho go to New Mexico for a couple of days, and in return, Nacho will sleep with Lalo. This is of course an offer that Nacho makes while already climbing into Lalo’s lap, just to hasten the decision making.

But after letting Nacho squirm for a second, Lalo declines. He gently pushes Nacho away and says that tio Hector wouldn’t be happy at all if Nacho just ran off like that. Why don’t they just take a little vacation together? And Nacho is like: “A vacation. In New Mexico.” And Lalo is like “Yeah idk either we’re gonna be bored out of our damn minds!” And Nacho actually laughs. He’s not happy about having to take Lalo with him, but it’s better than nothing.

So they go to New Mexico together, which officially counts as a road trip and I am a very happy boy. There’s gonna be endless mariachi songs and Lalo singing along, fun for everyone! They rent a little vacation home in Abq for a couple days, and Nacho invites Manuel over for dinner. Nacho is super nervous beforehand, but Lalo talks him down, tells him about how his cooking will immediately convince Manuel that he’s got himself the perfect son in law, and Nacho almost appreciates the sentiment - if only it were that easy.

Lalo lets Manuel in, and the most awkward dinner of all time ensues. Lalo aggressively tries to make conversation while Manuel and Nacho eat their food in complete silence, the tension between them so thick you could cut it with a knife. After the main course, Lalo excuses himself to, idk, look after the dessert that he left out on the patio table to cool. 

Finally, Nacho asks Manuel how the shop is, and Manuel is preeetty taciturn, just says yeah, it’s fine, and then Manuel opens his mouth and he’s just. So aghast at. Everything transpiring in front of him. Ignacio, what is going on here. You went to Mexico? Got married? To a man your dad’s never even seen? And half a year later you suddenly show up and wanna have dinner together?

And Nacho knows he is kidding himself if he thinks this is just magically gonna fix anything, but he just wanted to make sure his dad is okay. And concerning the man he married… well. He said who he is, right?

But Manuel’s like, he said his name was… Lalo?

And it finally dawns on Nacho that Manuel’s got no clue who he’s having dinner with. And Nacho just. Puts his face in his hands as if he could just hide, from this conversation, from his dad, from everything, and he murmurs: “Eduardo Salamanca.”

And his dad, he’s so deeply shocked, he just stares, and in that moment it really hits Nacho that through all these months of getting accustomed and settling in, through all the calculating and scheming that’s ruled his mindset day after day, he has forgotten who it is that he shares a bed with every night, even if it’s just symbolical.

“Salamanca”, he hears his dad repeat incredulously, and it’s like he’s seen this all before and he wants to say it, he wants to say that he’s doing all this just for his papá, but he can’t, and no matter what he does he won’t win his father’s love back, especially not with stunts like this, and when Manuel gets up to leave, Nacho can only follow him half-heartedly and watch him drive away into the night from the door, until his taillight vanishes in the dark.

Along comes Lalo, all chipper and acting completely clueless, like, what have I missed? Oh, your dad left so soon? What a shame, now he’s gonna miss dessert! But Nacho’s not listening, he’s leaving, getting his car keys, and Lalo… actually lets him.

Nacho just needs a couple of hours alone, driving through his hometown, and he’s lucky there’s so little traffic cuz he can barely see through the blur that’s suddenly befallen his vision, and he drives, and drives, past his old school, past Tampico Furniture, until it’s late in the night.

When he gets back, Lalo’s fallen asleep on the couch, and Nacho crawls on top of him, and starts kissing him, and he just doesn’t care, he needs this right now, he’s just desperate for something, anything.

Of course it doesn’t mean shit. It was just what Nacho needed, nothing more, nothing less. And when Lalo offers a little trip the next day, Nacho is glad to have something take his mind off of last night. Not that it was bad. Quiiite the opposite. He still has bite marks all over his neck and when he sees Lalo hop under the shower he notices the dark red streaks all the way down his back and uhm YES that is a THING that Nacho FEELS and MAYBE he just bit his lip at the sight but yeah. MAYBE he hit rock bottom yesterday night and then proceeded to have the most mindless, hottest sex of his entire life. Maybe. I just need Lalo and Nacho to be so sexually compatible in all the best and most horrible ways.

They take the trip back and somehow, with every mile away from Abq, Nacho’s dark thoughts dissipate a little bit more, as he returns into a world where he understands the problems, and he can handle them, and he’s in control, and he doesn’t owe anyone any explanations or emotional debts. 

This is where all the dramatic shit could happen, like Nacho taking on harder jobs, going on a shootout with the twins, or Lalo getting back from a deal gone wrong, or them having to pull off some dangerous stunt together, and there’s bullets flying and blood and injuries and fretting over the other one’s life and pulling each other out of harm’s way and don’t you dare die on me we still haven’t reached our goal yet we’ve come so far godDAMNIT DON’T YOU DARE!

And when Nacho wakes up, bandages all over, he expects to be alone, but instead there’s Lalo, who’s fallen asleep by his bedside, and. It makes Nacho feel all sorts of things, but he’s not ready, not yet, to acknowledge this. Also he’s just seen Lalo shoot three guys while grinning like a maniac so that’s a thing. 

Nacho’s in it for the long haul now, and he stays with Lalo through hardships and dangers. He eliminates every threat to Lalo effectively and efficiently and helps him on his rise to power. When someone schemes against Lalo, Nacho sniffs it out and saves him. When Hector or his son have plans to move against Lalo, Nacho’s there to thwart them. 

In time, the violent lifestyle he’s exposed to affects him less and less outwardly, though it doesn’t stop leaving marks on his psyche. Days blend together, and Nacho alternates between a life of domesticity and that of a crime lord with ease now. And when he beats a guy that he was supposed to torture into revealing information into a bloody pulp because his mind has turned into scorching rage against absolutely everything and everyone, when he wrests the canister from Lalo’s hand, douses the entire house in gasoline and flicks the match in with a dark and merciless glint in his eyes, it only takes until they’re back by the car that Lalo shoves him on the backseat and kisses him so hard and deep it feels like he’s drowning, the smell of gasoline and ash still fresh on their skin.

Idk whether Hector dies of natural causes, or whether Gus swoops in as a final boss to take care of him, but after Lalo and Nacho have reached their goal, and they could end it, they find new aims, like taking down Don Eladio, taking down Gus, new excuses, just like Nacho has always found excuses not to run away from the Salamancas. Lalo and Nacho are both uprooted and looking for closure, through the years, they’ve grown closer than they ever anticipated, know each other better than anyone else. 

And without realizing it, Nacho himself is slowly turning more and more into a true Salamanca.

[bookandcover]

The long-awaited sixth and final installment of the Queen’s Thief series! I asked for this book for my birthday back in October (said it was the one thing I truly wanted) and then I read it at breakneck pace in the two or three days that followed. I waited until now to write about it (tragically lame) and, in the meantime, loaned my copy to my sister…my writing about this awesome book leaves something to be desired. I’ll probably re-read the whole thing sometime this year.

As in books 3-5 of this series, The Return of the Thief shows us Eugenides through the eyes of someone else, although this book follows, more closely than books 4 and 5, the events that have Eugenides at their heart (like the lynchpin that he is, peace-keeper on the Lesser Peninsula, but also the centroid of the mechanism, controlling the events around him as these weave intricate patterns). Our young narrator is Pheris, of the house Erondites, heir of the most troublesome of Attolia’s barons. But no love is lost between Pheris and his family, as the young boy’s physical disabilities make him an embarrassment to them. Like Eugenides himself, Pheris leans into the things that make him underestimated by others, and, in doing so, he observes a lot, but is suspected of nothing. When he’s sent to the palace by his grandfather, to serve like many young heirs as an attendant to the king, his physical (and assumed mental) disabilities are intended to be seen as a direct insult to Eugenides.

Pheris’s role as king’s attendant places him in close proximity to Eugenides, allowing a narration of plot from eyes that are nearby, but that do not see everything. This narrative viewpoint relies, as so much of this series as a whole does, on the incorrect assumptions that other characters make about Eugenides—often to those very characters’ downfalls. The reader is, of course, no longer fooled; we know Eugenides’s omniscience. And, early in this book, I worried this trope of dramatic irony was used and worn. I couldn’t imagine a better foil character for Eugenides than Costis, who is his straightforwardness and courageous foolhardiness, is the perfect complement to Gen. When Gen jokingly says “jump,” Costis doesn’t even stop to ask “how far?” Their dynamic is beautiful and, often, comedic. Attolia as counter-point to Eugenides provides another unparalleled character dynamic, vastly different than the one between wily Gen and earnest Costis, as Attolia’s set of strategic moves—more serious and calculated, more “textbook” than her husband’s—complement Eugenides’s at turn-after-turn. The irony, for Attolia and Eugendies, exists between. We, as the readers, are somehow left out of their cosmic inside joke, only glimpsing it here and there, while we laugh repeatedly at Costis’s expense.

Where would Pheris land on this spectrum? Was there another counter-point to Eugenides that could show him more fully than these other characters had already done? I was pleased to realize that the Eugenides that Pheris drew forth was the one twisted with insecurities, the one fighting a real battle between himself and his god who holds him up, but who also—as Gen knows so well—will one day let him fall. In placing a character near to Eugenides whom Eugenides does not need to perform for, someone who he must see himself in, we see Gen at his most vulnerable. There is more about Gen that the reader needs to see and to understand. While we, too, once underestimated Gen (along with Attolia, along with Costis), Turner reverses this on us and shows us that we also must not overestimate him. Here is Gen the man, the mortal—in the clutches of a wild destiny, but still fallible and human.

Pheris realizes these things in his own way and on his own time. His loyalty to Eugenides isn’t easily won, which is true, too, of Attolia, of Costis. But it takes a different thing for each of these characters to turn themselves to pivot around Eugenides, to believe in him, to see him for who he truly is.

For Attolia, this took mutual love, a love that is still being spun out and examined in this final novel, entirely within Eugenides’s insecurities. Eugenides, we see here, questions Attolia’s love for him repeatedly, not out of doubt of her, but out of doubt of his god. Does his wife love him, against her will, because this is what he asked for? This is the place where the novel ends, in the poignant Epilogue that answers Gen’s questions about Irene’s love. I understood, from this final book, that Eugenides never questions his love for Irene. When he is sickened by their history, by his loss of his hand at hers, this is not fear nor doubt of his own love, which I think might be the first interpretation a reader, or observer, would have of his actions. Instead, Gen wonders and worries over how she can love him. He did not doubt her hatred at a point in time in their pasts. How can he reconcile those memories with her love now, if not through the intervention of the god that he sees make the impossible possible in his life? Attolia, somehow, understands Gen and is changed deeply, irrevocably by her understanding. Attolia seems like someone who, without the well-fit complement to herself who is Gen, might never have loved or considered a partnership, contented in herself as she was. She is never lessened by Gen, to the contrary. She tries repeatedly to build him up, to force his hand, to yield power to him, to make him openly show himself as the king she knows him to be. The strength of her conviction in him is always stronger that his own. She does not question herself, either; firm and objective where Eugenides flows, malleable, changeable, and moody.

We do see Eugenides try out certain kinds of power, and face Attolia’s correction, in this sixth book. One of the most startling parts of the novel was Eugenides’s attempts to convince Attolia to stay behind from the battlefront when she is pregnant (because, why, I wondered, did he even try), but this shows he has but little of his normal strategic restraint when it comes to his feelings about his wife. I adored the scene where he nearly kills Attolia’s lame suitor with a knife thrown just moments too late, which, like his attempts to keep Attolia from riding into battle, seems theatrical in nature, like a play staged for the benefit of their onlooking kingdom (how telling that we see the festival plays that satirize Eugenides as the one-handed king, and, whole the king behaves like he’s offended, but we all know he loves a good drama). The truest, realest moments of Gen and Irene are hidden from the eyes of everyone. Pheris, only by chance, gets the smallest glimpse: the two with couches pushed together, asleep in each others’ arms after Eugenides altercation Attolia’s suitor. Attolia did not bend to Eugenides, but she is reshaped by him. She, too, although she did not know it and did not long for it, was lonely for love, as we’re shown in the Epilogue where we return to the scene where Gen first saw her dancing alone in the gardens. It was not the will of the god that changed her, but only the slightest nudge of the circumstances—so that a boy saw a girl, who was lonely, but also strong, and rebuilt his life around trying to be with her. Eugenides weaves the strings of fate, yes, but how can we possibly fault him the end goal? Becoming king is the irksome side effect of being married to the woman he’s always wanted.

For Costis to orbit around Eugenides took the dismantling of his settled, square worldview. Like Attolia, he is changed. Like Attolia, this change is organic. We’ve never seen Eugenides browbeat someone into submission. Even his enemies are brought low through their own failures. This doesn’t, of course, mean that Eugenides takes his victories with grace; he wouldn’t be Gen without that horrible self-satisfaction, stubbornness, and studied laziness. Costis valued a certain kind of strength. He needed to see Eugenides was capable of this kind of strength, and in seeing this—at the end of book 3—he truly understood the choice Eugenides makes to prioritize other types of strength. That other men’s brand of pride is worth nothing. That saving face is worth nothing. That traditional masculinity is worth nothing. That winning is worth very, very little. Especially, when, on the other side of the scale is the safety of someone you love. Is yourself that need to live with forever. Is information that could make the difference, all the difference in the world.

We see Costis who has been reshaped by Eugenides in book 5 of the series. He is a more cautious speaker and thinker, willing to plan many steps ahead, willing to hide more of himself. But he is still righteous, still blundering, still a country boy, and an excellent counterpoint to refined Kamet who is very ready to underestimate someone with these characteristics, giving Costis is own type of Eugenides energy. I left book 5 feeling somewhat dissatisfied, longing for more emotional unpacking between Costis and Kamet. I was sad that these two were only side characters in book 6, but we got tidbits and hints at the blossoming love between them (I mean, who moves to live alone in the country with someone unless they are rustic lovers?!) Through Relius and Teleus’s characters (two stoic figures who have a complex emotional undercurrent to their relationship) we get another look at queer love in the world of the Queen’s Thief. There’s also a subtle nod to the support, care, and affinity among a queer community in Attolia when Kamet dances with Relius, while Costis dances with his sister, at the celebration at the very end of the book. Pheris also bonds closely with Relius and I wondered if Pheris’s character is perhaps asexual (he’s adamant that he doesn’t think he’ll ever fall in love). These characters’ identities are complex, and never simplified, and there seems to be a resistance on the author’s part to spelling out their sexualities and romantic entanglements exactly. But this is not unlike the primary heterosexual relationship at the heart of the series: the most intimate moments take place “off stage,” and we, the readers, see mostly the waves of impact made by their love and commitment and by their nuanced understandings of each other.

For Pheris to see Eugenides and to be changed by him takes Eugenides’s vulnerability, in combination with Pheris seeing and understanding the hand of his god on the king. Pheris lives in his own circle of misery (afraid of the treatment of his family even within the palace, a legitimate fear we know after Juridius threatens him), one that Eugenides reaches into in a way that might surprise someone who did not know Gen’s brand of kingship well. When Pheris falls ill and is feverish, he has fragmented memories of the king at his side, caring for him in the middle of the night. Pheris also see Eugenides sick and debilitated repeatedly. In one of the most intense sections of the book, Pheris sees Eugenides fully operating under the hand of his god when the king is captured by the Medes when the two camps are staked out on the plains of battle. Pheris follows the king into the Medes’s camp receiving little resistance from others. He hides in the king’s place as the king goes on a mysterious killing spree, removing the leadership of their enemies. As the two escape the camp, Pheris sees in Eugenides a harsh energy that is inhuman, as inhuman as the lightness he exhibits in a game of chase—where he jumps from balconies and leaps for hanging chandeliers—throughout his own palace.

Early on during his time in the palace, Pheris too sees a god appear before Eugenides and guide him back onto the path planned for him: in this case, that path is to keep Pheris at his side and not send him back home, as Eugenides wished to do after learning of Pheris passing information (albeit against his will) to Juridius. Eugenides, Pheris sees, is often upset and bitter about this intervention of the gods, especially as the gods’ give instructions he cannot wish to follow, yet he understands, utterly, the power of the gods. From this, Pheris does not learn to obey Eugenides above all else. He still frees his traitorous uncle Sejanus from right under Eugenides’s nose and helps him escape from the united Lesser Peninsula army’s camp. This is an instinctual choice that pays off, as Sejanus later warns the gathered Attolian-Eddisian-Sounissian army about a pass where a smaller section of the Mede Army is trying to invade the Lesser Peninsula and catch the defending army in a pincher move. With Sejanus’s warning, a small band of Attolians and Eddisians, led by Eugenides, cut the Medes off at the pass, nearly with disastrous consequences. The ways in which Pheris shows his commitment to Eugenides, such as blindly following him into the Mede camp with no concern for himself, but still operating independently from him, particularly in his interactions with Sejanus, set up Pheris as a complex figure in Eugenides’s world, one ultimately guided by his own inner compass and worldview, in much the way Eugenides himself is.

This book epically culminates the series, drawing the plot lines of Attolia, Eddis, and Sounis together in one novel, as the countries unite under Eugenides—to whom the other nations swear fidelity—to drive the Mede Empire back and maintain their freedom and independence. With Attolia’s successful pregnancy after a few miscarriages, and the birth of an heir who can continue the unified governance of the Lesser Peninsula, we end this novel on a note of pure celebration, both human and god-blessed, as the characters take to the rooftops to dance, granted Eugenides’s smooth confidence as he dances with a god who has not let him fall.