#so naturally 30 minute reading time in school was horrible and I hated it

[theres-whump-in-that-nebula]

I just realized that I hate being directly talked to (in most situations); but if someone is talking to their friend at the same table as I am, and we’re all working on separate projects, I love listening to their conversation? Like, in art class these two gamer kids would go on and on about Sonic and Overwatch to each other and it was amazing; because I like reading Wikipedia articles on things I have no personal interest in just to know what it is enough to talk about it if someone brings it up in conversation.

Call that benign eavesdropping.

[stina-is-a-punk-rocker]

stephanie perkins: ‘anna and the french kiss’

SPOILERS AHEAD!

Then again, if you’ve read any YA book, ever, it’s fairly obvious what’s going to happen.

I was going to go easy on this book; I really was. It’s really unfair how media aimed at a female demographic is seen as frivolous and vapid, and more often than not bashed and bullied when it comes to reviews. “People actually enjoy this crap?” ask the powers that be. “It’s worthless! Pulp! Dreamy-eyed nonsense only complete nimrods could ever like!”

And I take offense to that. There’s nothing wrong with liking romance or happy endings or stories about cute European boys. I was ecstatic when I stumbled across Anna and the French Kiss upon a chance trip to the bookstore. The cover was… meh (Century Gothic? Really? There were no other fonts?). But I’d heard nothing but praise about the book, and I was prepared to stay up all night and into the wee hours of the morning to finish it.

Admittedly, I was far from impressed upon the first reading. The characters were unlikable, the plot would’ve worked better for less shitty characters, honestly fuck these characters am I supposed to like them, fuck Anna, fuck Étienne, fuck Bridgette, fuck Toph, fuck Dave and Meredith and Amanda and Seany and every other stupid character in this stupid book.

The second time around, I expected to not hate it as much as I did when I first read it. It’s happened- I hated Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda when I first read it, and when I read it again, all that red-hot anger simmered down into an overall dislike. I thought To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before was trash at first, and then I read it again, and it got promoted to recyclable waste matter.

I found Anna and the French Kiss horrendous the first time I read it, and then I read it again, and… yeah, it’s still pretty awful.

Le Sommaire:

Anna Oliphant is a seventeen-year-old wannabe film critic who is #NotLikeOtherGirls – so she’s exactly like every other female YA lead. To her credit, she never explicitly says she’s special… everyone around her does.

She has a pretty meh life in Atlanta, Georgia with her mum and little bruv Sean- and then her dad decides to ship her off to France for her final year of high school. I’m not judging Anna for bawling her eyes out on her first day; I’m a huge mummy’s girl myself and I’d probably (definitely) do the same.

Meredith is Anna’s next-door neighbor, who does that thing which only happens in YA where she’s like “Oh, newbie? Let’s be friends!” (Or maybe it does happen irl and I tend to make a bad first impression which is why no one has ever approached me.)

Meredith’s friends are: Rashmi and Josh (who are a couple), and Étienne St. Clair. Guess which one is the love interest.

Étienne is cultured in that white person way where he’s half American, one quarter French and one quarter British. A true international.

But- *gasp*- American-British-French boy has a girlfriend, Ellie.

Anna has an absolutely gorgeous punk rocker (yum) boy with sideburns (yikes) back home named Christopher. Also, Christopher’s nickname is ‘Toph’ instead of ‘Chris’ because he too is #NotLikeOtherGirls. Anna tells us that nothing will happen between her and Étienne.

Anna is wrong.

Meredith has a crush on Étienne. So does the Regina George of the school, Amanda.

Étienne and Anna have some moments ™.

♫ Everyone else in the room can see it, everyone else but Anna ♫

I tear my hair out in frustration.

Several other white boys vie for Anna’s heart. Anna remains blissfully unaware (♫ that’s what makes you beautiful ♫). Étienne (who is still dating Ellie, mind you) is unreasonably agitated by this.

Étienne’s mum has cancer btw, which excuses all the shitty things he does, because he’s just a poor, misunderstood boy.

Ellie dresses up as a, quote unquote, ‘slutty nurse’ for Hallowe’en, though- so it’s perfectly okay to dislike her (even though, in the first interaction she had with Anna, where Ellie meets Anna and Étienne, after Étienne takes Anna to the movies, Ellie is perfectly sweet).

Anna, however, is NOT a slut. Amanda is, though. And Rashmi’s cold. And Meredith’s desperate. And Emily’s a slut, too. And her friend Bridgette from Atlanta is a traitor. Anna has an intense case of internalized misogyny.

Anna’s friend Bridgette from Atlanta is screwing Toph, and Anna throws a fit.

Étienne and Anna have some more moments ™.

A truly chaotic series of events befall Anna. She somehow winds up dating Dave (one from the harem of white boys who likes her) to spite Étienne, she gets into a fight with Amanda, more drama ensues, there’s a hint for a spinoff, Étienne and her kiss, Meredith sees and feels betrayed… several misunderstandings and more bullshit later, Étienne and Anna wind up together, because true love conquers all.

Mes Réflexions:

(If the French is off, blame Google Translate.)

Usually, it takes me half a page of my notebook to scribble down my thoughts about the book I’m reading. This motherfucker took me almost an entire page.

Granted, a solid 30% of those notes are me throwing insults at Étienne, but still. ‘STOP STOP STOP YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND YOU DICK’ counts, right?

(That was #17 in my notes, by the way.)

For the record, I like Stephanie Perkins’s writing. It’s not as over-the-top and unnecessarily introspective as Jenny Han’s in To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before, and the interactions between Anna and her classmates were natural and not the “How do you do, fellow kids?” style of Becky Albertalli’s Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda. The pacing is decent- I didn’t feel like it was too rushed; not the insta-love trope most YA romances unfortunately fall prey to.

And yet. AND YET.

Anna: “What’s your problem?” Amanda: “You.”

Same, Amanda, same.

Anna Oliphant is one of my least favorite leads in a book, ever. Étienne’s even shittier. And it’s not like Nick or Amy Dunne from Gone Girl, or any of the main characters from The Secret History, where readers pretty much unanimously hate them. You’re meant to relate to Anna, you’re meant to find Étienne charming and dreamy. I literally had to put the book away and calm myself down several times- especially in the last quarter of the book.

One of my main gripes with Anna is how… dumb she is. I guess Anna’s “Oopsies, silly me, I don’t know French!” is meant to be relatable to the readers. And some parts (like her not knowing how to order food because she can’t speak French) are plausible, but- sis, you didn’t know how to spell oui? And my idea of a cinematic masterpiece is Kung-Fu Panda, but even a dumbass like me knows that France is the film appreciation capital of the world. And yet Anna, a self-professed film freak, doesn’t?

Of course, Anna’s gorgeous, but she has no clue, because of course she doesn’t- even though she has multiple guys falling head over heels for her.

I’m in a short skirt. It’s the first time I’ve worn one here, but my birthday seems like the appropriate occasion. “Woo, Anna!” Rashmi fake-adjusts her glasses. “Why do you hide those things?”

Étienne is staring at my legs. The scales covering them throb under his intense gaze, and the pincers sticking out of my thighs start clicking rapidly in arousal. My hooves shiver in ecstasy.

… sorry, that’s not funny.

Her friends think Anna’s weird for wanting to write film reviews (which is the most contrived thing I’ve ever heard) instead of being the next Margot Robbie or whatever, but of course Étienne doesn’t and he thinks it’s not weird and cool and that Anna is such a special snowflake.

(Man, I sound like Amanda.)

And then we have this spiel by Anna about how she got into film critiquing (?), because we the readers need to know how special and #NotLikeOtherGirls Anna is.

To this, I say, “Piss off, you pretentious fuck.”

Of course, Anna’s a virgin and she’s never gotten drunk before or worn short skirts- she’s not a slut, she shaves below the knees only.

And would YA really be YA without several hearty helpings of internalized misogyny?

First up, we have the bimbo; the Barbie doll archetype whose only goal in life is acquiring the main guy (who is quite obviously uninterested in her), and making life hell for our protagonist. Amanda Whatsername (is she ever given a surname?) has this coveted role in Anna and the French Kiss. She’s blond (because of course she is); the first time we meet her, she’s in a, quote unquote, ‘teeny tank top’, and she also ‘positions herself for maximum cleavage exposure’. She’s always flipping her hair, getting her grubby paws on Étienne, giving Anna the stink-eye, being homophobic and a grade-A bitch.

Meredith goes batshit when Anna and Étienne kiss, and is very pouty and unhappy during prior Anna x Shittiene moments. Honey… he’s just not that into you. Rashmi’s the Ice Queen reincarnate and halfway to bitchdom. Anna doesn’t go as hard on them as she does on literally every other female her age in the book, though.

Rashmi looks at me for the first time, calculating whether or not I might fall in love with her own boyfriend.

Anna, hate to break it to you, but not everyone’s a possessive fucking weirdo.

About Cherrie, her ex-boyfriend Matt’s new girlfriend:

And maybe Cherrie isn’t as bad as I remember. Except she is. She totally is. After only five minutes in her company, I cannot fathom how Bridge stands sitting with her at lunch every day.

Her lifeless laugh is one of her lesser attributes. What does Matt see in her?

Even Bridgette, Anna’s best friend from Atlanta, isn’t immune to Anna’s anti-female propaganda. She’s screwing the guy Anna used to like, and Anna, the hypocrite, throws a huge fit.

For context: Bridgette and Toph are in a band called the Penny Dreadfuls (why is it with YA books and horrible band names? ‘Emoji’ from Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda was bad enough), and Anna + Matt + Cherrie go to a bowling alley to see them perform. After the performance, Toph announces that he’s sleeping with Bridge, and Anna confronts Bridge… onstage.

“… You’re welcome to move in when I leave again, because that’s what you want, right? My life?”

She shakes with fury. “Go to hell.”

“Take my life. You can have it. Just watch out for the part where my BEST FRIEND SCREWS ME OVER!” I knock over a cymbal stand, and the brass hits the stage with an earsplitting crash that reverberates through the bowling alley. Matt calls my name. Has he been calling it this entire time? He grabs my arm and leads me around the electrical cords and plugs and onto the floor and away, away, away.

Everyone in the bowling alley is staring at me.

I duck my head so my hair covers my face. I’m crying. This would have never happened if I hadn’t given Toph her number. All of those late-night practices and… he said they’ve had sex! What if they’ve had it at my house? Does he come over when she’s watching Seany? Do they go in the bedroom?

I’m going to be sick.

Give me a goddamn break.

Anna, about Ellie:

To my amazement, Ellie breaks into an ear-to-ear smile. Oddly enough, it’s this moment I realize that despite her husky voice and Parisian attire, she’s sort of… plain. But friendly-looking.

That still doesn’t mean I like her.

“Anna! From Atlanta, right? Where’d you guys go?”

She knows who I am? St. Clair describes our evening while I contemplate this strange development. Did he tell her about me? Or was it Meredith? I hope it was him, but even if it was, it’s not like he said anything she found threatening. She doesn’t seem alarmed that I’ve spent the last three hours in the company of her very attractive boyfriend. Alone.

[about Ellie’s Hallowe’en costume] Slutty nurse. I don’t believe it. Tiny white button-up dress, red crosses across the nipples. Cleavage city.

If I didn’t like Ellie before, it’s nothing compared to how I feel now. It doesn’t matter that I can count how many times we’ve met on one hand.

I fantasize about their break-up. How he could hurt her, and she could hurt him, and all of the ways I could hurt her back. I want to grab her Parisian-styled hair and yank it so hard it rips from her skull. I want to sink my claws into her eyeballs and scrape.

It turns out I am not a nice person.

YOU DON’T FUCKING SAY.

Emily Middlestone bends over to pick up a dropped eraser, and Mike Reynard leers at her breasts. Gross. Too bad for him she’s interested in his best friend, Dave. The eraser drop was deliberate, but Dave is oblivious.

One of the juniors, a girl with dark hair and tight jeans, stretches in a move designed to show off her belly button ring to Paul/Pete. Oh, please.

And I’m meant to like this character? I’m supposed to root for her?

I’m not saying every girl in the book should be perfectly sweet and friendly- that’s just not realistic. But when Anna has something judgmental to say about every other young female character… maybe she’s the problem.

In fact, the only girl I recall getting a pass is Isla Whatsername. And why do you think?

Brilliant.

And now we have the amalgamation of almost every fanfic boyfriend trope from 2014, Étienne St. Clair. Brown-eyed Harry Styles. I can’t fucking wait.

Étienne could’ve discovered the cure for cancer, or abolished poverty, or volunteered at animal shelters in his spare time. He could’ve been the most virtuous guy around (fret not; he decidedly isn’t). And I still wouldn’t’ve thought of him as the man of my dreams because HE HAS A BLOODY GIRLFRIEND.

I mean, which girl doesn’t want her boyfriend to say:

“I cheated on her every day. In my mind, I thought of you in ways I shouldn’t have, again and again.”

Fuckin’ smooth, bro.

“No matter what a terrible boyfriend I was, I wouldn’t actually cheat on her. But I thought you’d know.”

Such a gentleman!

“So you can keep dating Ellie, but I can’t even talk to Dave?”

Étienne looks shamed. He stares at his boots. “I’m sorry.”

I don’t even know what to do with his apology.

“I’m sorry,” he says again. And this time, he’s looking at me. Begging me. “And I know it’s not fair to ask you, but I need more time. To sort things out.”

And this gem:

“If you liked me so much, why didn’t you break up with her?”

“I’ve been confused. I’ve been so stupid.”

*me, banging pots and pans together* F U C K Y O U

“Ellie’s not like you, Anna; she’s a slut and a whore even though I’m the one who’s been thinking about another girl inappropriately and I’m the one who gets my knickers in a twist when another man glances in your direction because my masculinity is extremely fragile and I’m a total hypocrite and a dickhead.”

I mean, he didn’t actually say that, but that’s the gist.

WHILE DATING ELLIE: he gets Anna a book of sexual love poems, he calls her attractive (“Any bloke with a working prick would be insane not to like you.”) multiple times, he gets jealous whenever another guy so much as breathes in Anna’s direction and constantly interrupts such interactions, he’s been ditching his friends for his girlfriend but suddenly decides he prefers a new girl over said girlfriend, he thinks bread pudding tastes good- in conclusion, he is a Massive Fucking Prick. Though in hindsight, him and Anna deserve each other. They’re awful.

I had loads more notes taken down (Anna using Dave; “The important thing is this: Dave is available. St. Clair is not.”); the implication that cheating is okay because Ellie is bad or whatever, even though the sudden change in her character seems contrived because she was perfectly okay with Étienne and Anna hanging out before; how my blood boils whenever I read an American book and American girls are like “oOoOh AcCenT!!!1!!1!!”; me reading “DAVE SAYS YER A SLUTBAG” in Hagrid’s voice; the sheer atrocity of the name ‘Étienne St. Clair’ (sounds like a caricature of a French person)… but this ‘review’ is already pushing 3k and I can’t be fucked to expand on any of those points.

Verdict (which is apparently the same in French):

Who needs Christopher when Étienne St. Clair is in the world?

Speak for yourself.

[snowdice]

Gaps in His Files (Part 12) [Relabeled; Refiled Series]

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Relationships: Logan/Patton

Characters:

Main: Logan, Patton

Appear: Remy, Virgil (but only in the epilogue)

Summary:

Logan Berry has learned many things the last 10 years: a lot of math and physics, a bit of humility, and how to be a hero being just a few. Through his education, his experience teaching, and his exploits as the superhero Bluebird, he’s changed in a lot of small and large ways. He has recorded these changes in well-organized documents and files. He’s even had to create two new file designations: a red one for files about his moonlighting at Bluebird, and a light blue one dedicated to his boyfriend, Patton.

When Bluebird is targeted by a memory device and all of those 10 years of progress suddenly disappear, Patton Sanders and Logan’s extensive files are left as his only resource to get those memories back. But what is Patton supposed to do when there are clear gaps in his files? And what does he do when he is one of them?

This is set 25 years before Sometimes Labels Fail though it’s story is completely independent of it and it is not necessary to read that one first.

Notes: Superhero AU, memory loss, past child abuse, past child neglect, unhealthy ideas about ones place in relationships, emotional suppression, self-deprecating thoughts, medical procedures mentioned, very brief unhealthy views of sex

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11

This one is very heavy. Patton is spiraling hard and expresses some very unhealthy deep seated views of himself and his role in relationships. So be warned and if you want to wait to read this, feel free. Basically all of the warning in the notes apply in this one except medical procedures.

Patton’s back ached from falling asleep on the floor next to the couch once again the night before. It had been horribly quiet in the apartment in the last 24 hours since Patton returned from the hospital to find Logan gone. He didn’t know what to do.

They’d defaulted back to looking through the files that they’d already pretty much read through at this point and Patton was starting to wonder if there was even any point. They’d looked through the red ones last night and the green ones this morning before rotating back to the blue ones which were now spread all over the coffee table.

Patton had snagged one of the fluffier blankets from the closet and curled up under it, but it didn’t make him feel any better. In fact, he might feel worse because he couldn’t keep insisting that Logan pet it like he normally would.

Logan didn’t even seem to care enough to voice his obvious unhappiness with Patton. His silence just made Patton feel worse and worse and made his thoughts spin and spin. Logan was tapping his fingers against the table thinking about something. Usually Patton would respond to that action with patient fondness, but today it just made him want to curl up into a ball wondering what he was thinking. Patton’s mind kept returning again and again to that place it had been in on and off the last two months except that place was getting darker and darker every time he came back around to it.

Ever since the rejected proposal, Patton had tried to figure out what it was about him Logan didn’t like. He’d tried all sorts of things. He’d tried not inviting himself over to his apartment as much, not being as pushy about Logan taking care of himself, offering sex less, offering sex more, not being as pushy about spending time with him, being more quiet, letting him decide what they did on dates, not talking as much about his job, not depending on him as much when he was stressed, not crying in front of him when he was overwhelmed. He’d tried. He’d tried so many things.

The problem was Logan. Or at least Logan before.

What Logan hated most in life was change and he’d clearly gotten used to how Patton naturally acted over the years. Thus, he kept getting distressed when Patton tried to change something.

When Patton avoided his apartment for over a week, he’d asked if Patton was mad at him and then since Patton had that Saturday off, he’d managed to cajole Patton into spending all day in Logan’s bed napping and cuddling.

The not pushing him to care for himself had only lasted a few hours. Patton knew it had to be annoying, but he couldn’t stop himself from reminding him to eat breakfast and Logan hadn’t seemed mad when he’d started back up. He’d even brushed a kiss across his cheek when Patton handed him a plate of bacon and breakfast potatoes.

He seemed to be able to tell when Patton wanted to have sex with a startling amount of pinpoint accuracy, like he had Patton down to a science. When Patton wanted it, but didn’t start something, he initiated it himself and he looked at him with abject confusion when Patton tried something when he didn’t want it.

He showed up to the hospital to take Patton to lunch in the cafeteria when he didn’t mention meeting up for lunch because he assumed the reason was that Patton was too busy that day. He pushed when Patton didn’t speak much, citing that he was worried something was wrong and he insisted on his input on dates before he’d move forward with any plans.

Patton had kept quiet about his job for three days before Logan had gone and talked to Remy behind his back to ask if something was wrong at work. Under pressure from both of them, he’d spewed out the buildup of stress all over the place. And it was so hard. It was so hard not to cry about it when Logan pressed soft kisses to his cheeks and temples and asked him if he was okay.

But now Logan wasn’t used to Patton and wasn’t set into patterns that he probably didn’t actually like, but just allowed because he wanted to be nice to Patton and was used to it. The problems with Patton were becoming apparent every time Logan side eyed him.

Patton had been hoping that maybe he could figure out from this version what parts of Patton he really did not like. Then Patton could hold more firm about getting rid of those things once Logan got his memories back. He’d definitely appreciate it after an adjustment period. That is if Logan even wanted him after this. He hoped he’d at least give Patton a chance to fix himself.

Patton was good at pretending. He knew how to cut pieces of himself off to get people to love him back. He’d had a lot of practiced. Make sure to do your homework at the dinner table at mom’s house so she knows you’re not being lazy. Cook when you’re at dad’s house so dinner is ready when he gets home from work, but make sure you’ve cleaned up by the time he gets home, so he doesn’t see you cooking. Don’t let grandma cook potatoes; she doesn’t like them and will blame you for them being on the dinner table. Never turn on the television at mom’s house; it rots the brain. Make sure the television is on the sports channel by the time dad gets home. Don’t touch grandma’s remote no matter how loud the volume is. Sit up straight for mom. Don’t cry in front of dad. Be quiet for grandma. Pretend dad doesn’t exist for mom. Call dad’s new girlfriend mom. Don’t try to correct grandma when she calls you by your dead grandfather’s name. Get good grades. Get into a good college. Get a job that pays well. Don’t complain. Don’t get in trouble. Don’t be gay.

Patton knew how to do it all. Logan had never asked it of him. Never, not once had he told Patton that he needed to fix himself or that he had to change for him; he deserved it more than any of them.

“We’ve talked a lot about me,” Logan said surprising Patton out of his churning thoughts especially since he had barely spoken all day. “but what about you?” he asked. “Tell me more about you. Tell me about our relationship. Why do you want to be with me or at least the me with my memories?”

“I…” Patton started. “There are a lot of reasons.”

“Then tell me one.”

Patton bit his lower lip. “You read my papers.”

“Your papers?”

“I’ve written a few research papers and you looked them up and read them and tried to understand them because you wanted to be able to talk to me about something I was interested in. That was the first time in my life that someone looked at me and it felt like they actually wanted to know me. And you kept doing things like that. You remember my coffee order and bring my favorite sandwich to the ER even when you know I’m in surgery and I can’t be there to see you so you just leave it with someone else to give it to me when I’m done. You eat the stupid cafeteria food at the hospital when I only have time for a 30-minute lunch just to spend time with me and after the first time we had sex, you got up early and cooked me an omelet because you didn’t know how to cook anything else. You try to find ways to help me feel better when I’m upset even though it doesn’t come naturally to you and you’re willing to throw popcorn in my mouth from across the room with your powers just because I ask even though you think it’s silly. You once took me on a picnic to a park 5 hours away because I mentioned how much I loved it when a group of us went there on a retreat during medical school even though you don’t like eating outside because of the bugs. And you didn’t even complain… well, I mean, you did complain, but only enough to make me laugh, not so I thought you really resented being there with me. When we go to parties and I say I want to go home, you pretend to get a migraine so we can leave early and sometimes we end up having sex in the car outside. And even though you complain about how annoying you think Remy is, you know he’s my friend so you still make a point to make an effort with him and hang out with him even when I’m not there. So…” he swallowed. “Yeah.”

“You really love me,” he stated, eyes intent on him and unreadable.

“Every part of me loves you Logan,” Patton said, gripping the soft blanket in his fingers. “You can have whatever pieces you want.”

“Whatever pieces?” he echoed.

Patton forgot for a moment that the man in front of him did not have context, that he didn’t and couldn’t understand what Patton was asking. “Look,” he said. “I know there is something wrong with me. I know there are parts of me that annoy you or make you angry, but if you just tell me what they are I’ll change them.”

“You think I don’t like all of you?” Logan asked.

“Clearly not!” Patton said, standing up suddenly and throwing the blanket off onto the ground. He paused and took a breath, forcing his tone to be calm and clinical, like he did when he got too emotional at work. “Look at this,” he gestured to the piles of files in front of him: blue, green, and red. “This is everything from your personal files to your work files to the files for your alter ego, but where am I? You have the receipt from the first fast food order you bought with your credit card, the invitation from your five-year high school reunion that you didn’t even go to, and your sixth-grade report card. But there is nothing in here about me. Not really. I am not important enough for you to keep. But I can be if you just tell me how. I can be whatever makes you happy. If you love me at all, I will rip myself apart until I’m what you need.”

Logan looked him directly in the eyes. “If I love you, I don’t want that.”

Patton blew up. “Then what do you want, Logan?!” He snapped his mouth closed and looked away, tears that had been building since Logan had lost his memory, since Patton’s marriage proposal had been rejected, since his mom had first called him stupid because he’d gotten a B on a math test in the 5th grade, springing to his eyes. “I’m sorry, I didn’t…” he swallowed and stood, a picture of calm. “It has been a stressful couple of days,” he said, flicking a tear off his cheek. “I think I need to go back to my place and rest for a while. I’ll come back tomorrow morning and we can… I don’t know, try aromatherapy or something.”

Before Logan could say anything more, Patton beat a hasty retreat.

Want to read more? Click below!

Part 13

[korra-the-red-lion]

Unnatural Affairs. Chapter 16: Are You Crazy?

(Ally + Lyn + Michael)

Michael.

The text I received that morning was the most wonderful thing in the world.

The test results were in.

I got out of bed quickly, making sure to text the group chat before heading out the door. If I was being honest, I wasn’t actually that excited to know what the results were, but at least we might a confirmation of some sorts that will help us with the case! I threw on my heavy jacket and dashed out the door, not even caring about how early it was.

Making my way across campus towards the lab, I wondered what it was that we would find. Would the slime sample actually be human DNA? What if there was nothing at all? What if this had all been for nothing. I really hoped it wasn’t the last one. I still had really wicked headaches every now and then, and I’m pretty sure Lyn’s arm was going to scar from those nasty claw wounds. Not that I had the guts to tell her that.

I quickly unlocked the door to the lab and walked in, smiling when I saw Lamar already waiting for me. Lamar was the 3rd year who I had mentioned liked me who would probably help us out, and I was glad that I was right about that. I clapped him on the back and leaned against the counter, practically vibrating with energy.

“What’s the news, bud?” I asked.

“Like I texted you, the results came back,” he said as he reached for the tablet. “Something that I found interesting, however, was this.” He pointed to one of the results on the screen.

I looked at them with interest, instantly noticing that there was more than one DNA result. Now, that wouldn’t be totally unusual had this been a normal situation, because only God knows what could be on the wall of a locker room, but the fact that I had pulled the sample from a very small and specific site should have meant that there was very little to no contamination. However, I could see that there were at least 3 different results.

The first one wasn’t too surprising, belonging to one Jackie Park. That was the girl who got attacked by that freaky monster. The second one belonged to someone named Fredrik Moore, which wasn’t too surprising because Ally just told us about him the other day. It was the third result that was startling to me, because I didn’t recognize it at all. The DNA belong to someone named Jerimiah Kinkly. It was only after staring at the name for several minutes that it clicked. Kinkly. Like Professor Kinkly?!

“Thanks for this, Lamar,” I said, not taking my eyes off the screen. “Can you email this to me?”

“Absolutely,” he said, quickly doing just that.

I was just about to bolt to go tell Ally about this in person, when he reached over to grab my wrist. I looked over to him in question.

“What is this all about?” he asked, hand waving at the tablet. “I agreed to help, but this seems a lot deeper than a simple science project.”

“If I could tell you, I would,” I gently removed his hand from my wrist. “Unfortunately, there is nothing I could say that could make this make sense.”

Concern crossed over his face. “Is this dangerous, Michael? Is that how you ended up with that horrible concussion?”

I tried to go for an easy smile, but I think it came out more like a grimace. “Seriously, man, don’t worry about it. Everything is under control.” I hated lying to anyone, but especially my friends. The look of disbelief on Lamar’s face was almost enough to make me spill the beans, but I couldn’t do that to Ally.

“If you say so…” he looked extremely unsure as he stepped away, crossing his arms together. “Just be careful, Michael. No one here wants to see you get hurt again.”

“I’ll do my best,” I promised. I left after that, feeling like a weight just got added to my chest. I honestly couldn’t believe how deep this whole thing had gone. It started as wanting to help figure out who attacked an innocent student to evolving into solving the murders of several different people at this school.

The sad part was thinking of how no one looked into the mysterious circumstances of their deaths. Each time they agreed it was just suicide. Did no one think to ask why a student who just finished his exams would jump to his death? No one questioned the graphic nature of another student’s death? It was just another example of how terrible our policing system was. They were too willing to take the easy answer.

I looked over to the tree where Dahlia Cressman’s spirit resided. Why were there so many dead people on this campus? The thought of that alone was unsettling. It was almost as unsettling as knowing that the murderer was still on campus, with Ally dropping that bomb on us this morning. I would never tell my mom that she was right for saying that this wasn’t a safe school, but damn was she right. I would have to get her a really nice gift for her birthday to let her know.

I glanced at my phone, wondering if there was enough time for us to meet before class. I knew that my class started at 9:30, and Ally had a class at 9:30 as well. I didn’t know Lyn’s schedule but it was clearly busy so she usually couldn’t meet with us until the evening or on Fridays. At the very least, I could tell Ally before our respective classes.

I managed to catch her at meal hall, where she was working her way through some peanut butter toast. I slid in next to her, and she looked over in mild surprise.

“Hey, Michael,” she said through a mouth full of toast.

“Hey, did you see my text?”

She nodded, covering her mouth with a hand. “I did, yeah. Did you get to see them already?”

“Yes!” I pulled the email up, showing the results to her.

Ally’s brow furrowed in concern as she slowly read it over. Her lip curled inwardly as she looked away, clearly thinking deeply. I gave her a minute to work through her thoughts before asking her what she was thinking about.

“It’s just something…” she pulled open her bag as she muttered under her breath. Ally pulled out the notebook that she’s been writing all the case notes in, reading it over quickly. Finally, she let out a small gasp.

“What is it?” I asked, looking over her shoulder. Her handwriting was so messy in the book, and I wasn’t sure where to look for the shocking note that she jotted down that was causing her reaction.

“Dahlia told me something a while ago, but so much as happened since then,” she explained quickly, flipping through the book, “that I forgot about it. She told me that there was two people in the Athletic Centre, but that one of them had died when the campus had been first built or sometime before it. The other, who I bet money on is Fiona Moore, resided there since she died. Here where it doesn’t make sense, because your results suggest that her brother is one of the spirts there. So why is there another person? Kinkly? Is his related to our Drama prof? And why didn’t Dahlia tell me there were three people there?” She ran her hand through her hair, blowing her breath out in frustration through pursed lips.

“Maybe she didn’t know?” I suggested.

“Maybe…” she mumbled. “Still, I think I’d better check with her.”

“Good idea,” I said. “Why don’t we do that later?”

She nodded firmly. “Sounds like a plan. We can get Lyn, and all go together. Even if you guys can’t see her, I think it’s better if you’re there for this.”

“Okay,” I said. “But make sure this doesn’t consume you all day, yea’?”

“I’ll try my best but make no promises.”

“Good enough for me.”

We left shortly after that, heading to our classes. Though I told her not to overthink it, I ended up mulling it over all throughout Finite Math. There was so much going on, and it was starting to feel like there was no end to this rabbit hole. If this little bit was getting to me, I wondered how Ally was coping with this all?

XXX

Lyn.

I think I was starting to dissociate a bit.

I was sitting at my usual table before practice, my textbook open in front of me but I was staring off into space. My lack of proper sleep was catching up to me, and the weekend just made everything so much worse. I should have just asked Olivia if she wanted to do something alone with me instead, but the choice had been made, so I had to live with the consequences.

I had music playing, but even with my headphones on it sounded far away. I whacked my knee before sitting down, and while I was aware that it should hurt, it didn’t really feel like anything. I only felt like this a couple of times before, so I knew it was pretty bad. Maybe I should try talking to that woman again, the mental health lady. I couldn’t even remember her name.

I saw the texts from Michael and Ally, but I had no energy to answer them. I just had stared blankly at them before putting my phone face down, so I didn’t have to see them anymore. Now here I was, staring up at the ceiling, wondering how much longer it was until practice was. But my brain felt like it was in a fog, I had no real concentration. Finally, I gave up on pretending I was doing work. I packed it all away and headed for the pool.

When I got there, no one else was around just yet. That was okay with me. I changed into my swimsuit and pulled on my sweatpants. I walked to the pool slowly, hoping that the feeling would soon go away. The heat of the pool was there, but it didn’t do much for me. I couldn’t really feel it. I just starting do my warmup exercises when I heard the voices of the others starting to drift in.

Sit up. Hold. Down. Repeat. Going through the motions of the crunches wasn’t doing much for me. It didn’t even feel like I was doing anything. I was looking up at the ceiling of the pool when Loryn’s face appeared over mine, concern etched in her features.

“Hey,” I said dully.

“Hey,” she echoed softly. “Can I sit with you?”

I nodded, not making any effort to move from my spot. I was pretty sure the others were coming over to see what was going on, but Loryn shooed them away.

“Is it okay if I touch you?” Loryn asked gently, her hand hovering over mine. I nodded again and shuddered when the warmth of her hand covered mine. It was the first sensation I had since Ally grabbed my hand yesterday. “Is this okay?”

“Yeah,” my voice sounded so tired to my own ears.

“What’s going on, Lyn? Can you tell me?”

“You’re being very nice to me,” I noted dryly.

“You’re avoiding the question,” she said firmly.

I sighed heavily, feeling a little bit of tension leave my body. “I’m processing some shit.”

Loryn frowned. She ran her thumb over my hand, her eyes crinkled in thought. “Processing what? Does it have something to do with your weekend home?”

I’m not sure why, because it wasn’t funny at all, but I laughed. I laughed so hard that I couldn’t breathe, my hand covering my face. Loryn’s hand squeezed mine, but she waited until I stopped before saying anything.

“Lyn?” The concern was so obvious in her voice, it made me feel sick to my stomach.

“Yeah, something happened,” I said bitterly. “I fucking hate going home because everything is shit. Leigh and I got into it with one another and mum is a fucking sociopath who gets sick enjoyment watching us all squirm as she bullies us. I shouldn’t have gone but I had this insane notion that maybe, just maybe if I did, I could fix my stupid broken relationships with my sisters at least! But here I am, miserable because I was a bloody optimist, and I got burned for it. I can’t sleep a full night’s sleep and haven’t been able to since before what happened to Jackie and I just want it all to stop!”

My chest was heaving, and my eyes were prickly, but I felt a little bit better after getting it all out. I refused to remove my hand from my eyes, instead opting to lie there with my eyes closed tight.

“What…what do you mean?” Loryn’s voice sounded hesitant. “You want what to all stop?”

“I dunno…” I took a deep breath to stop myself from shaking. “I’m just so fucking exhausted, Loryn. I don’t think I can keep going like this.”

Loryn reached over, taking my hand off my face. I cracked open a single eye, only to shut it again when I saw the look of fear in her eyes. “No, Lyn, please look at me,” she said quietly.

So, I did. I opened my eyes and looked over at my friend, whose face was twisted up with conflicting emotions. Why did I always feel sick when someone looked at me that way? I didn’t need them to pity me more or anything. I know that’s not what Loryn was doing at all, but it felt that way.

“Lyn,” she started softly, “I need you listen to what I’m saying, okay? You have to relax. No more pushing yourself to the limits. I am your friend, and I’m saying this because I care about you so much, but it’s fucking ridiculous how much pressure you’re putting on yourself. You don’t need to prove anything to anyone, not anymore. You’ve shown how bright you are, how caring you are, and how much effort you put into everything. Forget them and focus on you.”

I stared into her eyes and a realization came to me slowly. Loryn cared about me, this I knew. But the reason why I always felt sick when I saw someone looking at me that way was because no one ever looked at me like that while growing up. Someone actually giving a shit about me was so alien to me that I reacted negatively each time I saw it.

“Focus on me…?” I repeated slowly, my own voice unsure. I sat up a little, blinking rapidly. “Loryn, I’m not sure how to do that.”

Loryn smiled at me, with a small shake of her head. “I know, you dumbass. That’s why we’re here for you. You just have to tell us what you need, okay?”

What I need? I looked around, taking in the sights around me for the first time. I saw Andrew standing nearby, twisting his cap in his hands in a fit of nervous energy. Kerry and Matt stood close enough that they could be there right away, both looking worried. Tammy and Emma sat on the blocks, talking to each other but clearly keeping an eye on me. Maddie was making sure that Will didn’t make his way over at all. I shifted to my knees, feeling overwhelmed with feelings. I…how could I be so blind? These idiots were here for me last year, yet I was so wrapped in my own drama that I never noticed it, but I could see it clearly now. We were family, like Coach Jacob said at the start of the season. These people, they were here for me, if I needed it. Just like we were for Gunner. Just like we were for Jackie.

“Loryn…I-” I choked. I was shaking as I reached over, pulling her into a crushing hug. “I need help,” I practically whispered the last part.

She reached up, running her hand through my hair. “I know, Lyn, I know. We’ve got you.”

Next thing I knew, they were all there. The whole thing was so overstimulating, and I felt myself dissociating again, but that was fine. I sat there under their smothering hugs, staring off into space again. Help, that’s what I needed. Someone who I could talk to about everything, all the abuse, all the impossible expectations. I knew deep down it wasn’t going to be easy for me, these kinds of things never were. We were always told that people who needed metal health help were weak, because they were unable to cope with ‘daily stressors’ but I knew this wasn’t true. I saw Ally, how she dealt with all the shit life threw at her, but it didn’t make her weak. If anything, Ally was stronger than I ever could be.

I closed my eyes, resting my head on Loryn’s shoulder. Right now, I felt weak. And that was okay.

XXX

Ally.

Now I promised Michael I wasn’t going to be obsessive all day about this, and I think for the most part I kept that promise. Key word being most.

It’s just that the whole thing was extremely concerning and interesting to me. I truly believed that Dahlia didn’t keep something from me intentionally, which led me to believe that she really wasn’t aware of Fredrik’s presence in the locker room. Which led me wondering how he managed to escape her notice. Like I’ve said before, somehow answers always ended up leading to more questions. It was a wonder how I haven’t torn my hair out yet in frustration.

I looked down at my notebook, filled with all the information that the others and I have gathered so far. The most shocking piece of the puzzle was this Jeremiah Kinkly fellow. There was a very slim chance that he wasn’t related to our dreadful Drama professor. How was Professor Kinkly connected in all of this? Was he even? Was it merely coincidence that this name showed up at all? I was starting to get a headache from all of thoughts buzzing around in my head.

I was so wrapped up in my thoughts that I never even noticed when this guy approached my table. He rapped his knuckles against the hardwood, causing me to jump in surprise. I looked up at him, blinking in confusion.

“Yes?”

He smirked at me, making my stomach flipped uncomfortably. “Hey, babe, I was wondering if I could sit with you? There’s no available seats.”

Babe? Excuse me? I looked around and noticed there were several empty seats. I turned back to him, raising an eyebrow in question. “Actually, I’m pretty sure there are a bunch around. Maybe take a second look?”

“Well,” he drawled, leaning down into my space, “I just wanted to sit with a hot girl like you. Is that okay?”

I shook my head, really taking this guy in. He had dark hair that was combed back and hawkish features. He was good looking, but I couldn’t shake the predatory feeling I was getting off of him. It was making me uneasy.

“Sorry?” He looked shocked. “Are you actually saying no to me? You know there’s nothing stopping me from sitting here if I wanted to, right? Stop being a bitch.”

“Stop being a bitch?!” I stood up, glaring at him fiercely. “I’m not being a bitch because I don’t what some asshole sitting with me!”

Whatever he was going to say next was cut off when someone angrily said, “Derek, get the fuck away from her, you creep.”

I looked behind me to see Lyn and Loryn standing behind me, anger in their eyes. I have to admit, while I felt I had this under control, seeing Lyn glaring at this guy and protecting me had a certain sexiness to it.

“Lyn!” He went from annoyed to smarmy in a flash. “How have you been doing, sexy?”

“None of your business,” she snarled at him, fury in her eyes. “I’m pretty sure I made it clear I didn’t want to have anything to do with you anymore. Now, don’t you have someone else to bother? Where’s Poppy at?”

The guy, Derek, shrugged lazily. “Dumped her a while back. She was fun for awhile, but she was looking for something more committed. I wasn’t about to do that for her. Anyway, I’m not sure why you give a damn who I talk to, so I’m pretty sure this chick here is free game.”

“I’m not a piece of property!” I snapped.

When Derek didn’t step away, both Lyn and Loryn stepped closer so they were beside me. Derek sized us all up, and maybe after seeing how much more fit the two swimmers were, decided it wasn’t worth the fight. He shrugged away, running a hand through his hair.

“Whatever,” he grumbled. “Forgot what a cunt you could be, Lyn.”

Lyn’s face coloured with anger, but it was Loryn who shoved a hand into his chest. “I never fucking want to hear you speak to Lyn or any other girl like that again, you bastard,” she growled menacingly. “If I do, you’ll regret ever making an enemy of Loryn Frasier.”

He rolled his eyes and finally walked away, clearly making the right decision in not saying anything else. After he was fully out of our sights, Loryn looked over her shoulder at me.

“You okay?” she asked.

I nodded. “Thanks. I think I had it under control, but the help was appreciated.”

“Yeah, sorry,” said Lyn, looking bashful. “I figured you were okay, but Derek is awful. Even looking at him makes my skin crawl. We saw what was happening and just reacted.” She tugged at her ear, staring down at her shoes.

“Who was he anyway?”

“My ex,” sighed Lyn. “One of them, anyhow.”

“Seriously one of the worst decisions you’ve ever made in your entire life,” commented Loryn.

“Shut up, I know.”

That was Lyn’s ex? Ugh, he was a piece of work. I scowled in his direction one last time before moving on. It was one bad conversation, hopefully it wouldn’t happen again. Shaking my head, I looked over to the two of them. Loryn caught my eye and patted Lyn on the shoulder, pulling her close. She whispered something, which Lyn nodded to. Sparing her friend one last thoughtful look, Loryn waved goodbye to us as she left us alone.

We stood there silently for a few seconds as Lyn continued to look down at her shoes. She seemed a little less tense than she did yesterday, but she looked even more tired. I tapped my shoe against hers, knocking her out of her thoughts.

She looked up, our eyes meeting. I smiled at her, and eventually she smiled back. Not one of those fake smiles that she’s been using, but a real one. It was small, but it was there. And, there was a brightness to her eyes that hadn’t been there in a while.

“Sorry I didn’t answer your text,” she said almost shyly. “I was processing some stuff. I’m feeling a little better, so I wanted to see what you wanted in person.”

“Only if you’re feeling better,” I said.

“Honestly, I still feel like shit,” she snorted. “But I made a breakthrough. I’m not feeling fantastic, but I’m feeling well enough that I could come and be here for you tonight.”

“If you’re sure,” I nodded. “I just wanted you and Michael to be here when I spoke to Dahlia Cressman tonight. I’m hopeful we’ll get some answers.”

We started walking out of the library. Lyn had a thoughtful look on her face, but I was hesitant to push her for her thoughts, so I didn’t ask what was on her mind. We walked over to the tree where Michael was already waiting for us, shivering from the cold. He perked up when he recognized us in the dark.

“Thank God you’re here,” he said to me as we approached. “People kept staring at me.”

“Welcome to my world,” I laughed.

“Soooo, what’s the plan?” he asked, looking over at the tree. Lyn and I looked over as well.

“I’m hopefully going to get some answers,” I declared.

“Answers for what, Ally?”

The air pressure changed as Dahlia appeared in front of me, her arms crossed with a disinterested look. Instinctively, Michael stepped closer to me, hand going to my shoulder. For his comfort or mine, I wasn’t sure. If Lyn noticed the difference in the air, she didn’t show it. She was staring at the tree with curiosity, rocking on the balls of her feet.

“Hi, Dahlia,” I said cheerfully.

“I hope for both of our sake’s you’re not trying to press more answers out of me that I cannot give,” she said coolly.

Using my free arm that wasn’t currently being used as a crutch, I pulled out my notebook. I flipped to the page I was looking forward, with the information with Fiona and Fredrik Moore. I held it up so she could read it clearly. Her eyes skimmed the page, the curiosity lighting up in her eyes. She looked at me when she was finished, tilting her head.

“What’s this all about?”

“See, that’s where it gets interesting,” I said, flipping to the page with what she told me about the Athletic Centre. “See here? This is what you told me after we got back from the hospital. You told me that there were two spirits currently lingering there. However, these recent DNA results,” I pulled out the printed results, “suggest to us that there are three lingering attachments. I was hoping you would know anything about that.”

Dahlia stared at me for a couple of minutes, her face carefully controlled to show nothing. Then she broke out in a mischievous grin, amusement twinkling in her eyes.

“Doesn’t it feel better once the pieces start to fit together nicely?” Dahlia looked at all three of us, the grin still in place. “When I told you that there were two spirits haunting the Athletic Centre, I wasn’t being dishonest. Technically, there are only two lingering attachments. But see, there is where it gets a little tricky, Ally. Tell me, what are the names you have?”

“Uh, Fiona and Fredrik Moore, and Jeremiah Kinkly.”

Dahlia nodded. She stepped back, leaning against the tree. “Fiona is correct. I remember the day she died, very tragic. Jeremiah as well, though I wasn’t there for his death. He died during the construction of the campus. You can look into that, darling, but according to the others he fell from the building when the windows were being put in. Fredrik, on the other hand, is not a lingering spirit.”

“Huh?” I was confused. How did that make any sense? The other two looked over, and Michael squeezed my shoulder.

“What did she say? I can hear whispers on the wind but I’m not picking up any words,” he whispered, eyes darting around the area.

I quickly recapped what she told me. Michael rubbed his chin in thought, while Lyn glanced over to where Dahlia was. I looked over too, noticing for the first time Dahlia was staring at Lyn intently. That was strange. Dahlia must have realized I caught her staring, because she looked away, her face giving nothing away. I made a mental note of that.

“What does that mean?” Lyn asked, turning her attention to me.

“I’m not sure,” I replied honestly. “Can you tell me what that means, Dahlia?”

Dahlia’s eyes flickered to me as she nodded. “He was brought here against his will. He made peace with his death, but something brought him back. That monster was in fact him, transformed by the person who forced him back into the world of the living.”

I covered my mouth in horror. I read about that recently. Someone could try to bring a spirit back, but unless they had the proper training to do it safely, the results could be disastrous. Is that what happened? Who would do that? My stomach was churning with discomfort even at the thought of someone doing something so irresponsible. Taking a deep breath, I recalled what she just told me to the others.

“That’s…that’s so horrible!” Michael squeaked out, fear constricting his throat. Lyn pressed her hands to her ears, just shaking her head.

“We have to go back…” I whispered, staring at Dahlia, who nodded when I said that.

“Go back where?” Lyn asked, giving me a skeptical look.

I hesitated before swallowing my fear. “The locker room, we have to go back.”

“Are you crazy!” Lyn shook her head in disbelief. “Remember what happened last time we went there? I fucking do, that’s for sure.”

“Yea’, is that really the best idea, Ally?” Michael added, his face pale with fear.

I nodded slowly, “Yes, I’m sure. We need to talk to Fiona, for real this time. I understand if you guys don’t want to go with me, I really do. I can go alone.”

“Don’t be an idiot,” snapped Lyn, flicking my forehead. I rubbed the spot as she crossed her arms. “Of course, I’ll go with you. Just know I think this is incredibly idiotic.”

I smiled at her, and she smiled back. I looked over at Michael, who gave me a heaving sigh. “I’m going too, obviously. I just get to complain the whole time. Also, I’m calling dibs on being the one who doesn’t get concussed this time.”

“Deal,” I laughed, reaching over to give him a hug.

I have to admit, this is a great relief. I really didn’t want to go into this alone, and it meant the world to me that they were willing to come with me, even with what happened last time. It was nice, this feeling. The feeling of no longer being alone. It was enough to make me tear up, but I quickly swiped at my eyes so they didn’t notice. Obviously I wasn’t sneaky enough, because Lyn silently reached down and took my hand into hers, rubbing her thumbs against my knuckles in comfort.

“Is that everything, then?” Dahlia asked, boredom lacing her words.

“For now, it is,” I smiled at her. “Thanks, really. You’ve been a great help tonight.”

If a ghost could blush, I’m pretty sure she just did. She twirled her hair around her finger, looking away from me. “You’re welcome, glad to be of service. Stay safe out there, Ally. Tell your friends the same thing.”

I watched as she disappeared from view. The air pressure changed back to normal, and Michael gasped beside me, but Lyn didn’t, basically confirming to me that she can’t sense anything that went on. That must be a lovely feeling. She did, however, look over where Dahlia had last been standing.

“Did she leave?”

“Yeah, she did.”

“Good. I felt like I was being watched.”

Huh, interesting. I made a mental note of that too. Actually, since I was thinking about it, I decided to bite the bullet. “Lyn?”

“Hm?”

“I was wondering something. You looked like there was something on your mind earlier before we got here. What were you thinking about?”

Michael looked curious as Lyn mulled over her answer. Finally, she just shrugged. “My dad’s last name is Cressman.”

“Your dad? Michael and I said at the same time. He grinned at me, and I smiled back.

Lyn nodded, as she starting to walk away from the tree. I followed with no choice, since our hands were still together, and Michael followed not wanting to be left behind. “Yeah, my dad. Hart is my mum’s last name,” a dark look crossed over her face for a second before settling back to neutral. “It’s probably just a coincidence though. It’s a common surname from Ontario, you know?”

A coincidence, huh? I glanced over my shoulder as we walked away, only to see Dahlia sitting up in the branches, watching us as we left. I wonder if that’s all it was.

[tinlizziedlinwa]

Developing Sexuality, Discovering Kinks, a Spinal Injury, and Barely Beginning to Explore the Edges of the LGBTQ+ Community

Howdy, y’all.  I’m just gonna put this out there - If it’s not for you, just keep on a’scrollin’!

Now, I’ve not really explicitly spoken about my sexuality and how it’s evolved over my almost five decades of life.  So, I’m about to start, and believe me, your patience and kindness will be appreciated.  If you choose to be a close-minded, conservative, cis-asshole then I strongly suggest you leave right the fuck now.  Thank you :-)

If you want to get to know me a little bit more and talk of incontinence and sexuality doesn’t scare you, please continue!

Decade 01:  Around four years old, I have my first memories of things related to my as yet totally undeveloped sexuality.  No history of physical abuse - Don’t worry about that.  It was finding my mother’s menstrual pads.  I saw pictures of them in underwear, so I took one and put it into mine.  It felt so right and so amazing!  I don’t really know how to describe it, but it felt like I needed the whole package of them in my underwear all at once!  I got in trouble for using up a package that my mom needed and I didn’t understand why she needed them yet.  But I made my first “diaper” out of pads and tighty-whities when I was only four years old.  Since I’m gonna be using a lot of numbers, I’m gonna cheat and sacrifice the “proper way” of spelling them out if they’re ten or less.

At 5, I knew I wasn’t built right.  I had this thing I peed through that girls didn’t have.  Boys had them.  But I wasn’t supposed to be a boy!  I didn’t like it and hated the feeling of it touching my legs (still do...).  I started asking questions about things.  Now, my parents are the stereotypical Boomers, “trapped” in a loveless marriage by dependent children and their own sense of “honor.”  Dad was a Medical Corpsman who became a Physician’s Assistant (PA) after retiring, while Mom used to be a Wave (nurse) in the Navy, but became a stay-at-home Mom when she started having children. I’ve 2 brothers and 1 sister, the last of them born 10 years before me.  So, when I questioned things, Dad’s response was usually to hand me a medical book and tell me to look it up.  Mom’s response was usually, “go ask your father.”  So, there I was, a 5-year old with a head full of partially-understood terminology (at best!) and a bunch of clinical photography in anatomy and physiology books.  At least I learned the purely physical differences between boys and girls and why I was one and not the other.  This made me mad.  So. Very. Mad.  I cried a lot for a while, finding out that I would never become what I feel I was supposed to be.  But I kept reading....

When I was 6 years old, I wrote a letter to my parents explaining how I felt about my body and how it made me feel inside and how I wished I could change and be the girl I’m supposed to be and would they be ok with helping me do this some day?

It was not received well.  Not well at all.  I’ve spent the last 40 years trying to get over their reaction to it and I still hate them for their reactions with a passion.  I feel like I was truly shattered, and the glue I’ve had to use over the years to put myself back together has never been the right type and pieces of me keep falling apart.

Entering Decade 02 (10 to 20 years old):  Puberty, damn it!  None of my “researches” had even hinted at ways to stop it, and my body started changing in ways that made me very uncomfortable, but there was also this attraction I kept feeling towards some people, and I started getting erections.  Now, I knew what was happening and yes, it did feel good to play with myself, but it also felt wrong in that I should have someone entering me, not me entering them, so when I masturbated that’s what I dreamed of - being entered and feeling them expand inside me, them giving themselves up in me, losing control and exploding into me and feeling their satisfaction as my own at having been so desirable.  Cockwarming them gently back to hardness and having my own way with their body as their hands stroked my breasts and hips.... Eventually I would orgasm in real life, while dreaming my dream.

I have never had a blow-job.  Several girlfriends have attempted, but honestly that’s like the fastest way to shut me down.  It instantly kills my dream between one heart-beat and the next, causing me to feel absolutely horrible about myself and this carcass I’m trapped in.  I should be going down on you, tasting, caressing, nuzzling and lapping up your wetness as I get more and more achy and wet for you.... Sticking my dick in your mouth is absolutely the worst thing that can happen during any attempt at sexy-times for me.  I’d rather have diarrhea on a crowded school-bus.

The problem was, I had been emotionally terrorized by my parents (and now I know how they controlled my access to information...) and the area I grew up in was populated by fairly conservative folks, so I had no exposure to other ways of living and had no idea I could express my sexuality in any way other than by being masculine with it.  Ergo, I was very much in the closet, hiding my thoughts and feelings as best I knew how, and retreated from situations that might expose my inner workings. Hence, I’m an introvert who overshares o.0  Start unstacking the bricks from my walls and Watch Out!  You might get more than you bargained for :-\

Decade 03 (20 to 30 years old):  I was just positive I didn’t want kids.  Also had no clue what to do with myself, so I landed in Alaska for about a decade.  Isolated, small town, conservative folks (a church on every corner, attended at least twice a week).  Repressive.  No sex for 8 of those 10 years.  Met my (now ex-) wife up there.  Internet actually got off the ground and we bought a computer, modem, and had an AOL account!  This was around 2002′ish or so.  Yeah, I watched the twin towers fall on a tv in a bar in Alaska.  But while in Fairbanks, I discovered the old Usenet Newsgroups... and that led me straight back into my diaper-fetish which I’d almost forgotten about... omg, seeing those first photos... I can’t describe the feelings that burned in me.

Decade 04 (30 to 40 years old):  Left Alaska and moved to western Washington State.  Worked as a Medical Assistant for about 5 years, then re-invented myself as a welder when I got a Federal job.  Learning a whole new trade wasn’t easy.  Shittons of practice later I was good at it and loving my career, until a toolbag fell on my head in 2008.  It could have killed me had I been in any other position.  As it was, it hit the top of my head while my spine was almost perfectly straight up’n’down, causing a couple of discs in my neck to blow out.  One completely ruptured and the other bulged so badly it could never heal and restricted my movement (couldn’t look up or pull my chin in).  To this day I still have a smallish “shadow” on my cervical spinal nerve where the disc exploded and a “dent” where the next one down bulged out.  The doctors think that’s why I’m incontinent and really struggle to get hard-ons anymore.

Here’s the rub:  I’ve hated this body of mine forever.  I’m not supposed to get hard-ons in the first place!  I’m supposed to have breasts, hips, hair, a flat front and a curvy bottom, and you should be making passes at me, not vice versa!

So, rather than pursue medical (surgical) options to deal with the urinary and occasional fecal incontinence, I choose to wear diapers and give myself regular enemas.  This way I can kinda (mostly) control the #2 and keep it from happening in public, while I can let my bladder just run on it’s built-in autopilot (which is really random, btw).  Wearing diapers also helps me with tucking!  I can  pull the dick out, pop the balls up inside where they belong, tuck the dick as far back as I can and put my diaper on tight.  Bingo!  A flat front!  And a bit of a poofy bottom!  YES!!

Decade 05 (40 to 47′ish years old):  I’m beginning to feel slightly more confident in my sexuality, though I’m still not comfortable actually trying to seek out anyone special... but yeah - I’m an introvert by nature.  Probably need to get adopted by someone because I’m not sure I’ll ever really be brave enough to really reach out first....  But now I’m able to afford nice diapers, I’m buying women’s jeans/pants/sweaters/onesies, and I’m feeling so much better about myself when I’m able to dress up.  Keeping my chest and legs shaved helps, too.  When I look down and see long, course, curly body-hair... ugh.  Hair in the armpits and groin is what’s normal.  Chest hair?  Get it off!  Looking at myself in the mirror, I still hate many aspects of my physical self, but when I’m freshly shaved, diapered and wearing women’s jeans and a lovely pink sweatshirt or just lounging around in a cute diaper and huge sweater, I’m much more able to ignore the things I don’t like.

Lately, as I’ve begun exploring my sexuality a little more, I’ve discovered the joys of dildos.  Lemmie tell you what, guys.  A traditional male orgasm doesn’t hold a candle to what I’ve felt while playing with a good dildo.  After a good, thorough clean-out in the shower (I have a shower-attachment with multiple nozzles and use the long black rubber one), I’ve used a dildo that’s got a bit of a bend near the tip - it’s shaped like a real penis, normal size (not humongous), with a bit of a crook near the glans.  By holding the balls & suction cup in hand, it can be inserted and moved in-n-out at that perfect angle to stimulate *all* the right spots inside...  I can honestly say I’ve peed, cum, and blew that dildo across the room as my knees hit the floor and I forgot my name during the best, most intense, can’t-walk-for-a-minute whole-body orgasms I’ve ever experienced in my life.  The area between the anus and scrotum feels so very hot and heavy, like it’s going to burst, it’s not truly painful but almost close? - It’s an amazingly satisfying feeling.  I’d love to hear from you girls out there... Are my orgasms anything similar to yours?

Some day, my dream is to meet someone who can understand me, who can feel where I’m coming from, who can love me even when I’m having difficulty loving myself.  Someone who is kind to my broken soul, and who’s idea of a hot date may involve a stop at the adult toy store!

Edited on 01OCT2021:  I’m not looking for a Mommy or a Domme.  I’m an adult with adult responsibilities and concerns.  I’m looking for a partner who’s also fairly self-sufficient.  I own my own home, work full time, and being an introvert I need lots of alone time.  Someone who’s open and accepting of the fact that I’m diapered 24/7/365 and am perfectly capable of changing myself.  And she’ll understand that I don’t just wanna get her out of her jeans for sexy-times, but I also wanna try them on.

Edited again on 02OCT2021:  As I’ve just begun actually  exploring my sexuality, I’m starting to think I seem to fit into the “enby” grouping (even as I don’t like being stuffed into a box, I find myself doing just that, to myself!  Damn categories...).  I don’t know all the lingo yet and it feels like the terminology is a living thing that is always changing.  Even though I’ve always found women to be super attractive, and I also really enjoy wearing women’s clothes and have dreamed of being a woman for decades, every once in a blue moon a guy really turns me on.  I’ve got fantasies about going down on her while he enters me, his hands on my hips pulling me in as he gently thrusts, speeding up slowly as I’m getting wetter, he’s sliding in and out of me faster and faster and I’m lapping up her juices, buried in her scent, the orgasm in all of us building until we simultaneously explode.  Then, once we all have our breath back, each of us gently diapers one another.  The idea of feeling my diaper sticking to my bum as his seed dribbles out of me is really turning me on again right now!  Hearing our crinkles as we move, cuddling in a contented pile, patting bottoms all around.

Am I a “bottom?”  Is there such a thing as an independent “bottom”?  More research is needed!  

[taeken-my-heart]

Moirai Chapter 8

Summary: On your 18th birthday a name appears on your wrist. The name of your soulmate. It’s a momentous day that everyone looks forward to, but you’ve always brushed aside; refusing to believe in a fickle mistress called destiny. But what happens when on the morning of your 18th birthday you wake to find the name of your mortal enemy? Jeon Jungkook.

Pairing: Jungkook x Reader Genre: Soulmates au/ Enemies to lovers au. Angst, fluff, bickering, romance, eventual smut.

Word Count: 4790

Notes: There is a read more placed after the first paragraph, but we all know tumblr is weird so if it doesn’t show up I’m sorry :(

This chapter is a big one in terms of what happens, but the next one is even bigger. This is a very brief reprieve from big angst so enjoy it while it’s here, my loves. 

**

“No, see, you can’t put a comma here because that would be a comma splice.” Jungkook said, taping the delete button on your computer and you frowned.

“I’ve never even heard the term comma splice; I think you’re making it up.”

Jungkook chuckled, shaking his head and turning to look at you, “just because you weren’t paying attention in class doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. A comma splice is when you take a comma and try to use it to connect two independent clauses. It happens often when people are trying to write something in their tone of voice and they put commas where they naturally pause, but that’s not always the right place for a comma.”

“The only Claus I know is Santa.” You deadpanned and Jungkook laughed; exhausted.

“Y/N!” He smiled and you shrugged up at him, lips peeling upwards into a grin.

“Unfortunately, I’m dead serious. I told you I’m not good at English!”

“Well you could be better if you just listened in class.” He scolded, scooting further up in his seat and you scowled, “don’t give me that look, I’ve seen you in class. You doodle a lot or read the posters around the room. You’re never actually paying attention.”

“Ah!” You clutched at your heart dramatically, “I’ve been caught!”

Jungkook laughed, leaning over to pull a notebook from his bag and you watched him curiously, the muscles in his back tightening as he dug through. “So,” you murmured as he sat back up, flipping open his notebook and glancing at you, “did you ever ask Ella out?”

He looked up at you in surprise, clearing his throat. “Ah, no, I,” he rubbed awkwardly at his wrist underneath the fabric of his sweater, “it didn’t feel right…right now. Timing, I guess.”

You frowned, shifting in your seat to face him, English assignment forgotten. “She knows you like her though, right?”

He blushed, ducking his head further into his chest, flipping to a fresh page in his book, ready to take notes. “Ah, yeah, she does.”

“So, I don’t get it, what’s the hold up?”

“It’s just…it’s complicated. Don’t try to distract me, missy, you still have to finish this assignment and I’ve only got 30 minutes left to help you, so less chatting and more working!” He scolded, glaring over at you and you rolled your eyes with a smile.

“Sure, sure.”

Once Jungkook had left for the night, you saved your assignment and left the office, heading up the stairs towards Ella’s room. She was leaning against her bed, headphones slid over her ears playing Snow Patrol loud enough that even you could hear the words and for a moment you felt concerned for the health of her ears.

You ventured into the room and she looked up at you from the homework in her lap, smiling and pushing her headphones off. “Hey, what’s up?”

“Mind if I join you for a minute?” You asked, fingers still on the doorknob and she nodded, patting the carpet beside her.

You made your way towards her, flopping down beside her as she turned off her music. “What brings you to my bedroom floor?” She teased and you smiled.

“I was just wondering what’s going on with you and Jungkook?” You shrugged and she smiled, lopsided and goofy.

“Oh, I mean nothing much,” she admitted, bashful, “he admitted that he likes me, but said he feels a little weird now that he’s got his soulmate tattoo. What a romantic, right?”

You laughed, rolling your eyes. “He’s so dramatic.”

“Right?” She laughed, “Anyway, I told him we can just be friends for now, but I think once the tattoo settles and stops hurting, he’ll kind of forget about it and we can date. It’s not like he even knows her.”

You nod, picking at the carpet. “True. Plus, the whole soulmate thing is stupid. The universe dictates one person to make you happy forever? What a load.”

“I don’t know,” Ella smiles, “I believe it. That doesn’t mean I don’t also believe someone else can make you happy in the meantime, until you find your soulmate.”

“That’s awful, though. Then you’re just a place holder. Wouldn’t you hate that? You know Jungkook is a romantic, he’s said he definitely wants to be with his soulmate when he meets her so then where does that leave you?”

Ella pouted, drumming her fingers on her book. “I know, but it would be fun while it lasted.”

“Trust me, the pain isn’t worth it.” You smiled tight, mind flashing to Lucas. Time was like a balm and it had already been two weeks since you and Lucas had broken up. Why you and your sister hadn’t talked about this earlier was beyond you and you began to realize that Jungkook was probably right, the two of you didn’t talk enough.

Ella frowned, grabbing hold of your hand. “I’m sorry about Lucas. You’re right, the pain probably isn’t worth it, but I just really like him!”

“I know you do,” you nodded, sighing and leaning your head back against her bed, “When did Jungkook tell you he liked you? Two weeks ago?”

“Well, that’s when he admitted out loud that he liked me, but he’s been hinting at it for a while. I think I started noticing at the beginning of the school year, he was just paying me more attention, talking to me more. When we started hanging out, he started confiding in me. Did you know he broke up with Rachel the night of his birthday party?”

“Oh?” You hummed in surprise, lifting your head from her blanket, “I didn’t know that, actually.”

“Yeah, I don’t think a lot of people knew because Rachel’s whole family was out of town for like a month after and he didn’t really talk about it. After they broke up, Jungkook came over and asked if we could talk on the porch. It was just before 11 so the rest of you were already in bed, I think. I snuck outside and we talked for a while and he told me all about it. She’s kind of horrible, said all sorts of mean things to him.”

“Really? Like what?”

Ella sighed, pushing her books off her lap and folding her legs underneath her body. “Told him he was boring and stupid, that kind of stuff, but then she started dissing his family, too. I don’t think she’s ever been broken up with so she just kind of lost it. Insulted his dad’s broken English, which is just such a low blow. Uncle Jinhyun has worked really hard and he speaks more languages than her crusty ass!”

You chuckled and she smiled softly, shrugging. “Anyway, he was pretty upset about that so we talked about it and he held my hand and told me how I was smart and pretty and any guy would be lucky to have me and then he kissed me on the cheek and went home. I kind of knew then that he was interested in more than friendship, but he’d just broken up with Rachel so he needed time to get over that, you know? Plus, then he got his soulmate tattoo like half an hour later so I think it was just a lot.”

“Yeah,” you shrugged, “but, to be fair, he wasn’t devoted to Rachel or anything. He told me a little while ago that she was kind of a rebound so he probably wasn’t too upset about the breakup. Especially since he’s the one that did it.” “That’s true,” Ella admitted, dropping her pencil into her lap and stretching her fingers absentmindedly. “His feelings were hurt, though. By everything she said, I mean. I feel really bad for him. Don’t tell him I said anything, but I think getting his soulmate tattoo kind of scared him.”

“What do you mean?” You asked, eyebrows furrowing.

“Just,” she paused, attempting to gather her thoughts. “His whole life he’s hearing about soulmates and about how his parents are so happy and he wants that too, right? Then he gets his tattoo and it’s just shocking, it’s probably nothing like you expect, you know? And then you’re faced with the reality; a real person’s name on your wrist and sometime during your life you’re gonna meet them and that’s it forever. Kind of scary, I guess.”

“Didn’t know Jeon Jungkook could scare.” You teased and Ella smiled softly at you.

“Everyone scares sometimes, even Jungkook.”

You stared down at the ground, fingers twisting together in your lap. “Yeah, I guess.” You sighed, standing up and stretching your legs. “I’m gonna head to my room now. Maybe read a book before bed or something.”

“Adventurous.” Ella teased, winking at you. You smiled, nodding and walking from her room, closing the door just as she slipped her head phones back over her ears.

**

Sometimes your life was like the movies. Not in the fun ways, though. No mysterious, sexy, and broody stranger to whisk you away on his motorcycle while the screen faded to black. No, more like you played the tambourine in music class because you were musically challenged and Mr. Sabisco didn’t want a repeat of last year’s Christmas concert.

You didn’t blame him, honestly.

It wasn’t all bad, either. You got to mostly sit in the back and slap the tambourine against your hand to a 4-count rhythm so no harm no foul. You spent most of the class day dreaming and letting muscle memory take over. There was only one week left until your birthday and you were becoming more anxious at the thought. Your mom desperately wanted to throw you a soulmate party and stay up until midnight to watch the name appear, but honestly, you’d never heard something more unappealing in your life. 

If you were forced to have some rando’s name on your wrist, you at least wanted to have the moment be a private one. It wasn’t really a celebration for you, though you couldn’t lie to yourself…you were at least a little curious. Everyone you knew who was with their soulmate was happy. 

It was hard to imagine just getting together with a person whose name matched the tattoo on your body and being happy…but you supposed the odds were in your favor, considering the rest of the world seemed to be doing just fine. Still, you didn’t particularly like it. 

The song ended and you let the tambourine rest in your lap, Mr. Sabisco prattling on about the details of the upcoming holiday concert. It was going to be even bigger than last year, with all the music classes from every grade level performing the same songs together as well as the students he private tutored having a song of their own. 

You could see Moira Smith in the front row puff out her chest with pride at the mention of her name as the grand finale with the choir to back her up and you wanted to roll your eyes. She was a snob about her singing and not one single person cared.

After class you made your way towards lunch, meeting up with Noelle in the hallway at her locker. Lillian’s class was on the other side of the building so the three of you would just meet up in the lunch line. “Just a few more days until your birthday.” Noelle commented, slamming her locker closed and popping her gum.

You flinched and glared at her. “How do you always get away with chewing gum in class?”

“I’m really good at hiding it under my tongue.” She shrugged. “You sure you don’t want to have a party? It doesn’t need to be a soulmate party like your mom wants, I get it, it freaks you out. But don’t you want to just have a regular party with your friends.”

“Wow, party of three, sounds fun.” You scoffed and Noelle smacked your arm, pushing the doors to the lunch room open and you followed her over to the line. Lillian was already a few people ahead of you and she smiled and waved before turning forward again.

“Don’t be rude. It’s always just the three of us and you’ve never had trouble having fun before.”

“I know, I know.” You sighed, grabbing an aging blue, grey tray and stepping forward in the line. “This one just feels different. There’s a lot of pressure and I just kind of want to be left alone.”

“I mean, I don’t really get it, but I respect it. If that’s what you want to do, then that’s what you should do. It’s your birthday so you should have things the way you like them.”

“Thanks, Noelle.” You smiled. Lifting your tray so the lunch lady could give you your pick of lunch for the day.

After the two of you had met Lillian at your usual table, you mostly sat and ate quietly while your two friends chatted about whatever had happened in their last class. You scanned the room, taking note of the fact that Ella was sitting with Jungkook and his friends while Rachel had moved a few tables away with her own friends, scowl drawn across her features. 

You felt a little bad for her, it wasn’t really her fault that she’d mostly been a rebound. Sure, she was witchy and a little bit of a ditz, but it must have hurt her to watch her ex-boyfriend move on so quickly. Not that Jungkook and Ella were even dating, but to Rachel, you imagine even sitting with another girl was in the same sphere. 

You knew what it felt like to lose someone you cared about to someone else and it sucked. You wouldn’t wish that pain on anyone.

**

A few days later, after depositing your bag in your room and making your way to the kitchen for an afternoon snack, your mother stopped you in the hallway, clasping an earring in one ear, head tilted as she looked at you.

“You have tutoring with Jungkook soon, right?” At your nod, she continued, “Will you take this over to him, it’s something I’ve been meaning to give to his mother. Also, remind him they’re coming over for dinner. His parents will be coming here straight from the office so I don’t want him to forget and be alone.”

“Ay ay, Captain.” You nodded, taking the small bag your mother handed you and skipping down the stairs. You didn’t want to eat anything too heavy because you would be having dinner in a few hours anyway, but a sandwich couldn’t hurt in keeping the hunger pangs away for a little bit.

You made yourself a quick sandwich before making your way to the office to grab the stuff you’d left there from the day before and out the door into the late afternoon, coat bundled tight around you as you made the two-minute walk to Jungkook’s house.

He greeted you at the door in a grey on grey sweat pant combo, hair swept back from his forehead and looking more handsome than should ever be allowed. You swallowed a bite of sandwich, way too large to do so comfortably and you coughed, beating your chest as it burned its way down your esophagus. 

“You ok there?” Jungkook asked, eyebrow rising as he watched you struggle your way through a task as blindingly simple as chewing your food.

“Fine.” You rasped, throat constricting painfully around air and you waved him in, following after him into the house and closing the door behind yourself. 

“Did you do what I told you to last time?” He questioned, making his way into the living room where he’d set up a make shift office with a foldable table and his laptop. 

You reached into your folder, pulling out the paper you’d printed last night and sat next to Jungkook as he flopped on the couch, scanning the paper quietly while you waited. As much as you hated to admit it, his help in English had been invaluable. Not only were you passing the class, but you were actually doing really well and you had him to thank for it. 

“This is really good,” he said after a while, sitting up straighter and placing the paper on the table next to his laptop, “I’ve got just a couple more corrections but then I think it will be ready to turn in. You’ve got the USB, right?” He asked, holding his hand out towards you. You grabbed the USB from your pocket, handing it to him and he slid it into the computer, loading the paper on his screen.

“When we’re done with this, we should celebrate.” Jungkook said, sliding his finger along the mouse pad as he moved the word document to where he wanted it.

“How?” You asked and he shrugged.

“We’ll figure something out. OK, so I’m gonna mark the things I want to work on in yellow and then we’ll get started talking about how you think it could be even better and we’ll go from there.”

**

After spending the next hour going through your work and ironing out the kinks, you were actually excited to turn in an assignment for once. This was probably the best paper you’d ever written and aside from Jungkook’s (admittedly invaluable) guidance, you’d written it by yourself. You didn’t think there’d ever been a time before when you could say you were proud of something you’d written.

Jungkook stood up, stretching and walked to the other side of the room, searching through the bookcase while you put your paper and USB away. It was nearly time to head home and help your mom make dinner.

“Hey, do you like music?” Jungkook asked, walking back towards you as he stared down at one of his father’s old records and you frowned. 

“What kind of a dumb question is that?” You scoffed. “Of course, I like music.”

“I’m not talking about today’s stuff; I’m talking about real music.”

“OK, snobby.” You laughed and he grinned, holding up the record for you to see. “The Temptations? Never heard of them.”

“Shut your mouth!” Jungkook gasped, making his way to the record player. “Don’t you worry, we’re gonna right this wrong right now.”

“I wasn’t really worried.” You mumbled, watching as he placed the record on the turntable and grabbed the needle to start the song. You stood up, making your way over to where he stood.

The record player scratched to life, an upbeat tempo filling the room and Jungkook closed his eyes, body swaying to the beat. “This song is my favorite of theirs. It wasn’t their most popular, which I don’t get because it just makes you wanna dance.”

“What’s it called?” You asked, dragging your finger idly across the desk as you watched him sway and his eyes blink open to look over at you. 

“It’s called “Get Ready.” Here, dance.” He said, coming around to your side of the table and grabbing your hand.

You frowned, shaking your head and trying to pull back. “I don’t dance, Jungkook. I’m bad at it.”

“Me too.” He grinned and you glared at him.

“You’re on the schools dance team. Don’t lie.”

He laughed, shaking his head and pulling you further into the center of the living room. “Come on, there’s nothing to it. Just throw your hands up in the air and move your hips and feet.” He pushed your arms above your head and grabbed at your hips, making them twist as you tried to awkwardly sway back and forth.

  “I feel like an idiot.” You pouted and he grinned.

“Just close your eyes and pretend like no one’s watching.” He said, twisting his hips in a way that made you giggle.

“You’re watching.” You insisted and he smiled, eyes slipping closed.

“Better?”

You sighed, shaking your arms out nervously before starting to twist your body in earnest, trying to find the rhythm in your hips. You closed your eyes tight, lips clenched together as you concentrated on the music. It was lively and fun, a song you’d definitely heard before, though not often and you’d not known who sung it. Your arms rose above your head subconsciously and you could feel your lips peeling slowly into a smile. It felt nice to let loose; at least for a moment.

“There you go.” You could hear Jungkook’s smile before you opened your eyes to see it. He was dancing in earnest now, arms flung in front of his chest as he shook his hands back and forth and you laughed, continuing to dance along to the music until the song ended and you stopped to catch your breath. 

Just then you heard your phone ringing from the couch and you ran to dig through the pillows where it had fallen, pulling it out and sliding to answer. 

“Hello?” You asked, holding the phone close to your ear as you watched Jungkook take the record from the record player and delicately put it back in its sleeve and on the shelf with his dad’s other records. “Yeah, I’ll head back now. OK, bye.” You hung up, sliding your phone in the back pocket of your jeans.

Jungkook looked over at you, shaggy hair hanging over the edge of his eyebrows and he smiled softly. “Your mom?”

“Yeah, I gotta go help her get ready for dinner.” You grabbed your folder, sliding it into the crook of your elbow. “You’re still coming, right?”

“Wouldn’t miss it.” He said softly, coming to stand in front of you. “I’ll walk you to the door.”

**

Once the Jeon’s had arrived, both of your families made way into the kitchen to grab plates and pile them high. You let the greed of your eyes decide for you, piling your plate far higher than necessary and Jungkook smirked at you from across the island.

“Hungry?” He grinned and you frowned.

“Don’t judge me, Jeon!”

He held up a hand as surrender and Ella giggled from beside him, her plate practically empty next yours as she plucked a few spoonfuls of rice onto it. 

“You’re so dramatic, Y/N.” She teased.

“All I’m saying is let me live my dreams.” You huffed, finishing off your plate with a roll and Ella laughed, following you to the table with Jungkook traipsing behind.

“So, Y/N” Jieun started, as everyone finally sat down to eat, “It’s almost your birthday! Are you going to have a soulmate reveal?”

A loud crash ripped through the air from the end of the table and you all looked at Jungkook who hissed, rubbing at his knee. “Uh, sorry…hit my knee.”

His mother chuckled, swatting at him, “be careful, you big lump.” She then trained her vision back on you and you pushed at your mashed potatoes in discomfort.

“Actually, I just wanted to have it be a pretty private thing.”

“Oh, so just your family and us? Well, that’s OK, you don’t need to have a big party to celebrate. We can still be there to cheer you on all the same.”

“Mom.” Jungkook whined softly under his breath and she glanced over at him, “leave her alone. She wants to spend her birthday in private. As in by herself.”

“Well surely not without her family?” She asked in surprise, turning to look at her best friend and then back at you, “your family will be there with you at least? It’s a very special moment in a person’s life, after all.”

“Yeah,” you sighed, “actually, I just want to be alone during that moment. I don’t really believe in the soulmate thing, I guess. I mean, I know it’s real and that a name will appear on my wrist, but I think it’s pretty contrived that, that person is just supposed to magically be everything I’ve ever wanted.” You shrug as your voice quiets, taking note of the shock on both of Jungkook’s parents faces.

He himself had gone eerily quiet, chewing absentmindedly on his pot roast, eyes shifting anywhere else in the room and you realized with a sigh that he was done helping you try to distract his mother.

“Y/N’s always been peculiar about this sort of thing,” your mother chuckled good naturedly, “Never really liked the whole soulmate birthday party thing, though we’ve definitely tried to pique her interest.”

“It’s OK if she’s not interested!” Ella insisted, smiling as all eyes shifted to her. “I think it’s kind of cool that she wants to keep it private, like her own special little secret.”

You smiled over at your sister as a thank you and conversation resumed on new topics, though Jungkook was oddly quiet for most of the dinner, only really speaking when spoken to. You wondered what his parents thought of him getting his own tattoo. As far as you knew, no one but him even knew the name on his wrist. He was private about it for a different reason than you wanted to be private about your own. It must have made them sad to not share in that moment with him.

Perhaps your parents would feel sad too. You just couldn’t bring yourself to change your mind, though. If you could, you’d make sure the tattoo never appeared; that way you could choose completely for yourself how you got to live your life. If you could.

**

The night before your 18th birthday probably should have been more exciting than it was. This year your birthday fell on a Saturday and as such, you were wearing the fluffiest pajamas you owned, curled under a blanket with your laptop balanced on your lap, pulling up Netflix to binge watch a show to take you into the early morning hours of the weekend when your life would suddenly change completely.

It was an interesting juxtaposition, turning 18. You were about to have a name appear on your wrist that would impact the rest of your life, but until you met that person, your life would stay exactly the same. It was terrifying and comforting all at the same time. You had half an hour until midnight and currently your parents were in bed and Ella was downstairs in the kitchen having a late-night snack.

You rubbed at your wrist anxiously, skimming through the titles of the movies you could watch. You needed something light hearted and funny; something that would take your mind off this stupid soulmate situation.

Twenty minutes into the movie and with only ten minutes until your birthday, your wrist began to tingle. You frowned, covering your wrist with your hand and trying to ignore it. Your parents had told you that it would hurt a little when your tattoo first came and that the ache would last a few days. Just a nice little reminder of the situation you had no control over. Every minute that ticked by, your heart raced faster and your wrist burned more.

You were so anxious you almost couldn’t sit still; a wave of anxiety building so high you thought you might scream. You’d never felt what claustrophobia was like, but you could imagine it was much like this. Just trapped in a situation you couldn’t get out of. 

You wanted to cry by one minute to twelve. The stinging was intense and your anxiety was through the roof. You hadn’t bothered to look at your wrist yet, you knew that the black of the tattoo was already starting to show but you were terrified to see it. Eyes bleary from pain, you tried to focus on your breathing. This was not at all what you were expecting. Staring up at the ceiling in the dark, laptop now abandoned on the side of your bed, you laid back against your pillow, blinking away the tears. At 12:01 the pain began to dull and you sighed, breath shuddery as you wiped the tears from your cheeks.

Sitting up sluggishly, you pulled your laptop back into your lap, allowing the light from the screen to illuminate your area. Releasing a deep breath, you lifted the sleeve of your pajama top and felt your stomach drop, room suddenly tilting on its axis.

You’d never felt more nauseous and confused in your life. It must have been incorrect, there was no possible way. Blinking down at your wrist again you felt like your world had shattered, a million pieces dangling in the air around you as you sat frozen. A nightmare you didn’t know you were living.

The only name you’d never expected to appear on your wrist was there, blinking up at you in a crisp, black scrawl.

Jeon Jungkook.

**

Oh my gosh! This was your small reprieve, haha, next chapter is gonna be a big one (obviously) so strap in! I’ll be writing a mini chapter from Jungkook’s point of view when he got his tattoo starting immediately and then get working on chapter 9. I can’t wait to hear your thoughts and opinions. <3

Chapter 7

Chapter 9

Copyright © 2018  by taeken-my-heart (Nora.) All rights reserved.

[rizlearns]

29.05.2021 [day 1/30; story 1: hvordan jeg ble veganer]

technically i started last night because i was so eager to get going but i will count today as the official day of my 30 days of productivity dedicated specifically to improving my speaking skills in norwegian. so this exercise is based on a youtube video i watched so at the end of the allotted time (30 days) i will do a more in depth review/summary of this experience. but in short, i pick a story to tell about myself or one i know well and go over it until i can tell the story well. a new story every few days. also this post is an anomaly and the others will absolutely not be this long lmfao.

the first story i told was about my first experience being vegan in high school (TL;DR it was horrible) and my experience being vegan now: 4 years and counting :). each recording is 5 minutes long and today i made 4 recordings. I recorded twice last night. the very first recording (last night) was very awkward lol but i had a general idea of the main points of the story so it was just okay. after recording/talking for a full 5 minutes, i listened to myself and wrote down the words/phrases i didnt know, defined/translated them and recorded myself again for another 5 minutes. always talking until the 5 minutes were up (integral basis of the exercise).

fast forward to this morning, same process same story. 3rd time recording (first time today), was slightly better because obvs i already had the story in mind and unknown words defined and thats really the main point; becoming familiar with the story so it *feels* natural even though at this point it is still a little hard to speak. obviously i do not tell the story the same way each time (good) and also each time i was adding a little more to the end bc i would finish the original story line before the five minutes were over. same process as before, i did this 3 more times.

what i will say is that 1. recording/listening to myself speak makes me want to fucking throw up and i hate hearing my voice but i think the most important step is to keep going. on the 5th take (second take today) i literally blanked and really had to look at my notes but that's okay. im gonna spend a week on this story but as the 30 days go by, i will spend less and less time: from 7 days, to 3 days to 2.

anyways, these posts will not always be this long lol just wanted to give some more context to the process but also will give a full review at the end of the month (re: if i actually think this helped me or not). dont think anyone is reading all of this but thanks for listening if you did. speaking is my WORST skill by far so im glad i am making a concentrated effort to do better haha. see you again tomorrow!

[whatadaze]

shan writes another long ass post no one asked for: 

so unless you’ve been living under a rock, you MIGHT have heard about skam nl + its recent decision to remove the geoblock on its youtube videos. if you have never watched skam nl or am on the fence about it pLS PLS PLS keep reading okay!? PLEASE 

I’m not the best at articulating my thoughts and suck at writing but i’ll try my best so PLS read :-) 

1. THE CAST

skamnl’s girl squad has a WOC playing noora (liv), a bisexual chris (janna), the least problematic vilde (engel), an AMAZING eva (isa), and even though their sana (imaan) could only be in the show for one season PLEASE do not let that deter you from watching. the actress left due to personal reasons and they left her character’s storyline open ended so if there ever was a chance for the actress to return, she could! i know there are many people who want a sana season with muslim representation but skam nl introduces another character, esra, who is also a muslim woc and FUCKING AMAZING. that aside, the cast members have great chemistry with one another. the way the characters interact + talk feel so real and genuine, largely because of the fact that the cast members are very close irl. one thing that i love about skamnl is the way they portray the friendships within the girl squad. i’d even go as far a saying that they are the best girl squad (even surpassing og) because they are so open and honest with one another + actually TALK to each other when problems occur. i don’t want to get too into specifics because you just need to watch the show but UGH i love how the show promotes POSITIVE girl/girl friendships without all that unnecessary catty drama we usually see in teen shows. 

2. THE WRITING + PRODUCTION 

so season 1 follows isa (eva) and i’m not going to lie, season 1 was always the season i didn’t care for as much but i was drawn to isa from the very first clip. she is just SO relatable and i would’ve loved to have watched a show with a main character like her when i was a teen. the dialogue feels so raw and real—the writing isn’t cringey or sound forced/straight from a script. and let me tell you, the PRODUCTION IS OFF THE CHARTS. skamnl has a unique way of telling its story through eVERYTHING. what the camera chooses to focus on, what colors are included in the scene, the song they choose for certain scenes, EVERYTHING has a purpose and i love when people analyze clips because it just shows how genius the skamnl team really is. they all work so hard on this show and it’s truly a shame that they don’t get the recognition they deserve. 

3. THE SOUNDTRACK

i’m not sure how it is with other remakes, but the spotify playlist for skamnl gets updated after each episode and that will tell you how long an episode will be. it’s actually one of my favorite parts of the show—waiting for the next group of songs to drop, listening to them, and trying to figure out what might happen in the next clips. they have introduced so many songs that i listen to on the regular from all over the world. in season 1, they had a song by kpop group TWICE and as a korean person myself, i was s h o o k when that happened! if you love music and discovering new songs, you’d love what skamnl has to offer because their soundtrack is A++++++ 

4. THE CHEMISTRY 

i touched on this in my point 1 but i just need to delve a bit more into it. so i mentioned that the cast members hang out outside of filming and they are genuinely all good friends. this makes their acting feel more genuine and real, their dialogue sounds more natural, and as a viewer, you really feel like a fly on the wall when you watch the show. it feels like you’re watching a real group of friends hanging out, going through typical problems you might be facing yourself, and for those of you who aren’t in high school, watching them really takes you back to your own high school days. i always get this warm, nostalgic feeling i just can’t really explain whenever i watch season 1. 

right now, it’s liv’s season and i know that many people who watch skam+remakes don’t like william or noora/william or think it’s just a season where two het couples making out all the time but IT’S NOT. first of all, season 2 has so many important themes that people (especially teen girls) need to be aware of: sexual assault, eating disorders, relationships, and like season 1, touches on the importance of friendship. also, noah IS AND ALWAYS WILL BE THE LEAST PROBLEMATIC WILLIAM. you just have to watch to understand but I PROMISE YOU you will not be disappointed. i have talked to so many people who HATED william and now they hate themselves for loving noah so much. not to mention, zoe (liv) + monk’s (noah) chemistry is INSANE. these two dorks are friends irl and in order to prepare for their season, they spent a lot of time getting to know each other and building a relationship so that their interactions on screen feel more natural. the cast just goes above and beyond to deliver an authentic performance and it FUCKING SHOWS

5. THE FANDOM 

this will be the last thing i touch on + may be the most controversial so pls don’t hate lol :-) one positive thing about skamnl being underrated is the small fan base. i’ve gotten pretty familiar with the regular group of people who frequently post in the tags and they are some of the sweetest and talented people i know. it may sound cheesy as hell, but the people in this fandom feel like a small family + i LOVE THAT. there’s no drama, there’s no hate, and we all just love discussing the show, promoting the show, and freaking out over clip drops, hiatuses, social media posts, and sharing theories. the fan base is one of the main reasons i enjoy watching skamnl so much, and i’d say it’s the least problematic as well. and that’s not me saying other remake fandoms are toxic or horrible, because for the most part, THEY AREN’T. i enjoy watching other remakes as well + am familiar with people in those fandoms as well but the environment seen in the skamnl fandom is just so.......different. i’ve developed genuine friendships with people from all over the world through this show and i think that’s just SO amazing. we’re small, but we’re a warm, inviting bunch and would love to have more and more people join us! 

SO WHAT SHOULD YOU DO NOW? 

skamnl has removed its geoblock from all their youtube videos which is how they gather data on viewership and all that so it’s SUPER important that if you decide to watch this show, you do it through their official youtube channel. the clips are usually subbed within 30 minutes of being dropped by the amazing @skamdutch team, social media posts are translated within 15 minutes, BASICALLY waiting for translations has never been a problem okay? they are released super fast so don’t let the waiting deter you. 

i personally love watching it the first time without subs and use that time to freak out and let all my excitement out of my system + once the subs are released, i watch it again and actually pay attention LOLOL 

but anyway, i know a lot of people didn’t want to watch skamnl because it was geoblocked so if that was your excuse, you LITERALLY have no excuse now. and we don’t know how long this will be going on for but i have a feeling they will block it again soon so THE TIME IS NOW. the cast have spoken out about it, the production team have spoken about it, so go go go and watch it!!! 

even if you can only watch one or two clips a day, do it! anything and everything helps at this point! this show deserves to have its season 3 and many many more in the future. 

ok all of this probably didn’t make any sense because like i mentioned before i suck at writing and articulating my thoughts BUT if you actually read all of this then THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU and please click HERE for a surprise.

byeeeeeeeeeee

love, shan

me after writing this post: 

[kyufiber-moved]

do you have any web kdrama recs? I'll do a trade and recommend Banana Actually- the whole series is 20 minutes long (at most) very good, digestible, and has some ~good~ kiss scenes.

i’ll check it out!! i do have lots of webdrama recs hehe ^^ i recommended most of them yesterday but here is a larger list of only webdramas !! it’s kinda long, so i put a keep reading !!

like- a korean webdrama that you can find on youtube starring kim yu an, kim kangmin (maybe, maybe not), yoo jungwoo (love after school), and seo ji hye- about a group of students who create a film club to make youtube videos and the dumb shit they get into, plus there’s some romance, betrayal, and fuckboys.- so so so so cute honestly. the dynamic between the characters of the club is so cute and funny, plus the love triangle has me wheezing. also the asshole fuckboy gets what he deserves which is super satisfying. it hasn’t finished airing yet, but so far it’s really cute

failing in love- korean webdrama  you can find on youtube starring son sang yeon (triple fling), yang hye ji, and shin yoon seop- about a group of high schoolers who deal with falling in love, crushes, rejection, etc.- ok so the summary i gave was pretty vague but that’s because any more and i’d be exposing the whole plot. there is humor and fluff but also teenage angst, and the characters are all more complex than they first appear. i would highly recommend this show !!!

want more 19- a short webdrama you can find on youtube starring jung ha joon, sin gi hwan,  jeon yoo rim, nam yoon soo, and lee jungha- a story of 5 friends in high school. A mutual crush, a one-sided love, and a rough patch for sweethearts, all taking place right around the end their senior year- OH GOD i can’t breathe this drama is so cute. it had me squealing every single episode, and it’s very lighthearted with hardly any angst

triple fling (s1)- a short choose-your-own-ending  korean webdrama on youtube starring jung bomin, son sangyeon (failing in love), themanblk’s jeongyou, and themanblk’s eom sewoong- lee sehee accidentally becomes friends with the three most popular boys in school and ends up in a love square with them- alright im whipped for stuff like this so naturally i loved it. i also really liked how viewers could choose their own ending as for which boy she chose. there is a second season that i haven’t seen yet that focuses on another girl in ANOTHER love square (containing one of the guys from sehee’s love square) in which it shows which boy she actually did choose (and it was my favorite so . yay!)

when you love yourself (s1)- a short webdrama you can find on youtube starring jung mingyu (sweet revenge 2) and saet byeol .- about a girl who is heavier than her classmates who struggles with self-love and self-acceptance, and along the way finds love- god. i can’t even explain how much i loved this drama. the message is wonderful and there’s no moment where she glows up and loses weight and then gets the guy’s attention or anything: he simply loves her as who she is, no matter what weight she is, and is supportive. there’s also an episode that focuses on the queen bee girl who also struggles with weight and self-love and it’s just beautiful

my woofy poofy love / my dog-like dating- a short korean webdrama you can find on youtube starring chae ji an and kim do hoon (your imagination becomes reality)- a girl who has recently been cruelly dumped by her boyfriend brings a stray dog back to her home and wakes up to find that instead of a dog, there is a man! she happens to be looking for a roommate, and so this man (who can turn into a dog) becomes her new housemate- literally adorable. female lead is stunning and the relationship is so cute and fluffy and innocent, but the kiss is steamy as hell.

ok to be sensitive (s1)- a webdrama you can find on youtube starring kim da ye and kim youngdae (extraordinary you) and others im too lazy to put- focuses on feminist issues like sexism and sexual harassment in a college setting, which each episode focusing on one particular incident and the characters dealing with it- listen so like . this show had me emotional at some points bc of how amazing the message was. it dealt with sexual harassment, sexism, how females are expected to act, stalking, pressure to have sex… etc and basically every episode was like . you can stand up for yourself. you don’t have to “take it” just bc you’re a female, etc. also there was really cute romance uwu

ok to be sensitive (s2)- season 2 of otbs, also can be found on youtube, starring yoo hye in and lee shin young, as well as others but again im too lazy to list them all- same thing as season 1, but a different cast of main characters, and set in an office workplace. (original cast makes a cameo at the end)- the issues in season 2 were definitely a bit darker because it was set in a work place, where the main characters were worried about getting fired if they stood up for themselves, but the way things were handled was really admirable imo. also the male lead in this one is ABSOLUTELY adorable

go back diary- a 4 episode webdrama you can find on youtube starring kim ye ji and lee jong won (jaemin’s webdrama how to hate you)- about a boy who sees a girl at a karaoke bar (?) and instantly develops a crush on her. she then transfers to his school, and it tells the story of their love story after 10 years.- i’ll just say it right now. the whole drama was adorable except for the ending, which fucking sucked. literally was horrible. boycott episode 4 pls i was SO UPSET. otherwise, great webdrama

love after school (s1)- korean webdrama that can be found on youtube starring park so eun and yoo jungwoo (like)- about a couple who fell in love in high school and their story, told from 5 years later when they meet again- i love love love this bitch. LOVE. season 2 … we won’t speak of her lol. but season 1 is super cute and the ???? kiss at the end(ish)??? DEAD. literally anything with yoo jungwoo will destroy me but omg. it was fantastic

maybe, maybe not- a webdrama starring kim kangmin (like) and gong yoorim- a girl who can read minds and is an outside bc she knows what everyone is really thinking meets a guy that she can’t read the mind of- so fluffy. so cute. oh god. pls watch it’s so soft and cute

what to do with you- a korean webdrama - that is actually literally an ad for a facemask - starring lee hayoung and kim youngdae (extraordinary you)- saerom and geun are friends, but it feels like they’re something more. will they ever take the next step?- yeah this webdrama is super cute and that’s really all lol. also the bitchy girl in love after school is the best friend in this one oho

your imagination becomes reality- a webdrama that can be found on youtube starring oh se young, kim dohoon (my woofy poofy love), and jin ho eun- soram has a crush on a mysterious upperclassman, and wishes to see him again: she does, soon after. each time she makes a wish, it seems to magically come true. - yeah so like . it’s not a supernatural thing or anything, it’s just a cute college romance that’s basically every girl with a crush’s dream lol~! 

crushes reverse- webdrama on youtube starring kim shi eun (miss independant jieun s2) and jung hyojun- yoo somi has a huge crush on her older sister’s longtime boyfriend, and her best friend at school happens to be his younger brother- i find the beginning hard to watch bc of the second hand embarrassment i feel when i do watch it but . it has a super cute ending and the main girl reminds me of shin hye sun so much it’s wack 

how to hate you- webdrama starring nct’s jaemin, jim ji in (extraordinary you), lee jongwon (go back diary), and kim yoojin- oh miri meets her ideal type while working as a part-timer, but right before she’s about to confess, she realizes that he is her best friend’s mystery boyfriend. she asks han daekang, her new friend, to pretend to be her boyfriend for the time being. - the summary i gave was terrible but ITS RLY CUTE . also the main girl in this plays dan oh’s best friend / juda’s bully in extraordinary you and THE CHARACTERS ARE SO INCREDIBLY DIFFERENT DUDE . Legend. anyways its a bit cliche and we dont get any actual lip on lip action but its still cute lol

have a nice dessert! / drunk in good taste- drama special / webdrama starring kim hyanggi (sweet revenge 1; moment at 18) and kim mingyu (just between lovers ((as the crippled best friend’s anti fan turned romantic interest)))- chongnam loves desserts, and even has an instagram dedicated to taking photos of various deserts she eats. when her college life starts, she mistakes a classmate as an upperclassman, only to find out they’re the same age, and they become friends- listen . this shit was adorable. as when every single kim hyanggi drama, the kisses are cardboard flat and terrible but ! BUT ! the couple is super cute

a-teen (s1 & s2)- 2 season webdrama starring april’s naeun, shin yeeun (he is psychometric), shin seungho, kim donghee, kim soohyun, and ryu euihyun- about a group of friends who go through various troubles and grow closer as a group, as well as fall in love- ok so ... technically i haven’t even finished season 1 yet but !!! i know it’s a good show bc i did watch a lot of it !! plus in s1 episode 20 at 10:35 there’s a nomin cameo LOL SJKFSD there’s also a webdrama called “the guilty secret” i haven’t watched yet starring victon’s subin and others that is set at the same school as a-teen 1 and 2 and features the original cast in cameos !!

i have 3 boyfriends / boyfri3nds- short webdrama you can find on youtube starring kim ji eun, park sungwoo (produce 101 season 2 [that 30 year old dude who danced to rain’s song OMG], moon jihoo, and lee jungsik- when la hi gets in a car accident and wakes up with amnesia she finds that she has 3 men all claiming to be her boyfriend.- OK LISTEN . this show is so funny and cute. let me just say: you MUST watch to the end. that’s all i’ll say. pLS WATCH

lily fever- a short webdrama starring kim hyeyoon (just between lovers) and jung yeonjoo (witch’s romance)- kyungju needs her passport back, which her ex boyfriend has, but it turns out he left it at a friend’s place. when she arrives, the friend is leaving but says she can go inside: just be mindful of the houseguest inside...- yeah this is lesbian as fuck . it has like . hardly any plot, has a shit ton of crackheadery, and lots of STEAMY AS FUCK kisses. it literally makes like no sense though skdfksjd but if ur in the mood for some easy to watch girl pairing stuff, this is it my dude ! 

[spine-buster]

Alone, Together | Chapter 1 | Morgan Rielly

Bee didn’t understand how the universe conspired in such a way to have her sit across from this large man named Morgan, but the longer she sat with him, the longer she realized she couldn’t complain.  Things like this could go so horribly – the person could not talk at all; the person could talk too much; the person could be creepy, invasive, or a serial killer – but Bee wasn’t scared as she sat across from him.  He seemed mellow enough, taking the situation of them being thrust together in stride.  It didn’t interrupt him from eating his food, or drinking his lemon water, and instead, they settle into a semi-comfortable back and forth conversations of questions to get to know each other.  What else could they do?

“So…why are you reading Friedman?” he asked, popping a fry into his mouth.

“Um, a friend recommended it to me.  I’m kind of reading it just for fun.”

Morgan seemed shocked as the words came out of her mouth.  “You’re reading it for fun?” he asked.  “What about Friedman is fun?”

“It’s not.  Sorry, that’s the wrong word,” she shook her head, embarrassed.  “But it’s a bit of a break.”

“From what?” the look of shock on his face hadn’t left.

“Um, my life?” she tried to make a joke.  His face lightened up a little bit but she knew she had to explain more.  “I’m studying for my MFE at U of T.  I’m also a TA so reading first year undergrad essays is also my personal form of hell.  Between reading those and reading for my courses I’m a bit…well…I needed a bit of a break.”

“Wait,” Morgan held his hands up.  “What’s an MFE?”

“A Master’s in Financial Economics.”

“At University of Toronto?”

“Yeah.”

“And you teach?”

“At university, yes.  I’m a teaching assistant.  So like, the professor has us, his minions, who lead smaller group tutorials where we discuss the course readings,” she explained.  “My tutorial group has around 30 students in it.”

“And Friedman is a break to you because of this?”

She couldn’t help but giggle.  “Yes.  I know it seems crazy, but yes.”

Morgan cracked a smile and she tried to grab her wrap to keep her from blushing after her giggle.  “That’s nuts,” he commented.  “I’m feeling very inadequate right now.”

Bee’s face completely dropped.  “Oh my God, no – no – I didn’t mean --”

“Relax, relax.  I’m joking,” he said, popping another fry into his mouth.  “How far along are you in your Master’s?”

“I’m in my last term.”

“And what’s the plan after?”

Bee took this as a bit of a weird question.  Was not the ‘plan’ for everybody to find a well-paying job to be self-sustainable and contribute to society?  What did he think she wanted to do?  “Oh, you know, find a sugar daddy and just live off the gifts he gives me,” she shrugged her shoulders casually, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.  Morgan snorted at her reply, and she was glad he picked up on the ridiculousness of her response.  “Well the plan is to obviously find a job.  Maybe at a bank or some corporation or something.  I don’t know.  I recently completed an internship at Scotiabank so I’m hoping that gets me an in there.”

Morgan smirked.  “So become a corporate drone,” Morgan teased her.

She smirked back at him.  She enjoyed his sarcastic sense of humour, but two could play at that game.  “Maybe.  Or maybe my plan is to control the Canadian economy by flirting my way to the top and becoming the next Minister of Finance.”

Morgan let out a hearty laugh.  “I don’t know.  You’re obviously pretty smart.  It doesn’t seem like you’d have to flirt your way to get anywhere.”

She appreciated the compliment, giving him a polite smile.  “And what about you?  What do you do?”

Bee watched as a quick sense of tenseness passed on Morgan’s face.  “I work in the sports industry,” he said.

She had never met anyone in Toronto who worked in the offices for one of the major teams.  Granted, she didn’t exactly mix with those types of people often, but it was still interesting to be sitting across from someone who did.  She decided to give him a taste of his own medicine.  “So let me guess.  You want to schmooze your way to the top of like…I don’t know, being the head of the Toronto Blue Jays or something?”

Whatever tension that was on his face disappeared when he heard the joke.  “Something like that,” he said.  “Maybe I’ll be the next Alex Anthopoulos.”

“And to think, you got the idea from a random girl you sent a drink to one night,” she winked.

“I didn’t send a drink to your table,” he repeated his earlier sentiment definitively.  “I’m telling you.  You got pranked by someone else in here.”

“Whatever you say, Morgan.”

Bee was surprised at how natural the conversation was flowing.  It was one thing to be this way with a friend – it was another to be this way with a complete stranger.  But, judging by how the conversation was going, Morgan wasn’t a stranger anymore, was he?  After moving on from dullness of their everyday jobs, they started to talk about other interests.  TV shows.  Movies.  What other books they had read, or planned to read.  What their favourite genre was.  Where they liked to eat in Toronto.  What they liked to do.  Where they liked to go.  Morgan ordered dessert.  Bee kept ordering ginger ale.

By the time the waitress brought the bill, Morgan took care of it.  Bee insisted, but he insisted more.  When she insisted that she had to contribute something he said, “Contribute your number and we’re even.”  He said it in the smoothest, most nonchalant tone of voice that Bee was actually taken aback for a brief moment.  When she nervously smiled and giggled and let out a small ‘sure’, Morgan smiled and nervously giggled and took out his phone to exchange numbers.

When preparing to leave, they both leaned in to hug each other.  Bee got a true sense of his size only when she was up against him, his broad arms engulfing her tightly, but only for a brief second before letting her go.  

“This is the weirdest experience to ever happen to me, but it was really nice to meet you,” Morgan said as he pulled away.  

“Me too,” Bee said, suddenly a bit nervous.  She hated to admit it, but she didn’t exactly want the conversation to end.  “I’ll uh…I’ll let you know when I’m done Friedman and tell you what to look out for.”

“Please do, because I have a feeling I’m in for it,” he said as they both lingered in front of the glass window of the restaurant.  “You sure you’ll get home okay?  I can call an Uber for you.”

“I literally live a five minute walk from here.  It’s fine,” she waved him off.  “Um…I’ll talk to you later?”

“Yeah…” he nodded, a strong smile creeping onto his face.  “Yeah, for sure.”

As they went their opposite ways, Bee couldn’t help the blush that came over her, and she wondered if any of the passers-by noticed it.   When she was far enough from him (okay, she kept looking back to make sure he couldn’t see her), she took out her phone again and opened the conversation she was having with her best friend, Angie.  

I just met someone

One of those weird ‘high school reunion’ encounters we were talking about this week?

No no.  I met a guy.

OMG omg what? who? where?

I was at green cactus and a waiter brought a drink to my table

And he said it was from this guy but when I approached him about it he denied it

And then all of the sudden I notice we’re reading the same book

Friedman

And I guess the waitress thought we would join each other cause like a split second after she just brought all my food to his table

And I ended up eating with him

And it’s been like two hours

And we just left, but we exchanged numbers

omg OMG you guys were reading the same book???

Yeah

Bee this is fate It’s F A T E Bee you have to text him PLEASE

It was so weird That’s never happened to me before It was like this super random thing but we ended up talking for so long

Bee, you need to text him You NEED to text him I can’t believe you were reading the same book?!

Yeah, super random right?

It’s random but it’s FATE When you get home, text him Pls Do it for me I don’t want to see you become an old spinster You’re not Anne Elliot You’re BEE MCTAVISH

Bee giggled at her best friend’s antics as she fished her keys out of her small purse.  She entered her apartment – a old, tiny, cramped, abode on the first floor of a converted multi-unit Annex house – and immediately hung her purse on a hook.  

I’m going to take a shower. See u l8r ☺

BEE DON’T YOU DARE DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE I WILL COME OVER TO YOUR HOUSE AND I WILL MURDER YOU BEE ANSWER ME ANSWER ME!!!!!!!! IF YOU DON’T TEXT HIM I WILL STEAL YOUR PHONE AND TEXT HIM FOR YOU

Only about half an hour later, Bee sat on her bed, wet hair wrapped in a towel, and stared at her phone screen.  Stared at Morgan’s number.  Stared at the message screen and keyboard.

Did you want to meet up again soon?  Maybe this weekend?

She absolutely cringed as she hit send.  God, she was a grown woman and she was cringing at herself.  She couldn’t believe she was doing this.  With Morgan.  With any guy, to be honest.  But she trusted Angie.  And more than anything, she trusted herself to judge a good character.  Morgan was a good character.  At least what she saw of him that night.

Can’t do this weekend.  I’m out of town.  Maybe when I get back?

Oh.  Oh.  So he was going to be one of those.  Her friends warned her about these types.  The type that would say they wanted to see you again but then kept blowing you off.  The type that would ghost you completely.  Suddenly she wasn’t so happy anymore.  Suddenly she felt angry at the possibility that he had just wasted almost two hours of her time on some guy that was going to completely ghost her.  Two hours of her time on a guy that wouldn’t give her a second thought.  Two hours of her time, only to have her question her own judgement because she thought he was a good guy.

If you don’t want to see me again just let me know now

She texted back quickly, almost regretting it.  But if Morgan was going to be an asshole, she would willingly be an asshole back.  She was too busy and too proud to be waiting for someone who didn’t want to give her the time of day.

No No no I really am out of town I come back late Monday night I can see you Tuesday I swear

The texts came in quick succession, one after another, followed by a screenshot of his phone screen showing an e-ticket for a flight to Montreal.  Bee cringed even more than she did when she sent her initial message.  

Sorry.  I guess that’s for work.

I really do want to see you.  Can we make it Tuesday?

Sure.  My tutorial ends at noon.  Where can I meet you?

I’ll meet you on campus.  Where is your tutorial?

She couldn’t help but smile at the fact that he wanted to meet her on campus.  She began wondering what it would be like for him to navigate U of T and its buildings.  He never specified which university he went to.

Sidney Smith Hall on St. George Street You can meet me at the front

Okay great Can’t wait

Bee tossed her phone on the duvet cover, unable to look at the text for a moment longer.  Can’t wait.

[historyrepeatsitself]

modern au headcanons p2

hey guys, so after uhh everything crashed and burned as u can see from this post, i did not follow thru in good time with writing a modern au headcanon post… BUT!!! fortunately, i have returned from my semi hiatus to bring you… inspired by this OG post… httyd modern au headcanons part 2!!!

also sorry for the weird bullet points, i did this in microsoft word so the entire thing wouldnt fucKING DELETE AGAIN

·         so like i said with the last one, cami is obviously internet famous for her ridiculously cool youtube channel

·         shes also quite popular on insta but youtube is more her jam

·         her fame started when a video of her pickpocketing stoick and them him finding out and absolutely Losing It went viral

·         it was a vine

·         you can hear hiccup laughing in the background

·         her videos used to mainly feature pranks she did but since then shes branched out

·         she still does a lot of pranks but now her videos also include: parkour, absolutely HORRIBLE karaoke (ft. hiccup and fishlegs), Q&A, playing with toothless for an hour and thirty minutes (yes, it did get a lot of views ((also toothless is a cat in this au))), roast battle vs snotlout (spoiler: snotlout cries), “a compilation of hiccup doing nerdy shit and me calling him a nerd (8 min, 30 sec)”, “reading yalls fanfiction abt me (fishlegs has an asthma attack)”, videos of her doing sports, & more

·         like in the original hiccup and fishlegs have their own channel

·         its literally shit

·         they update it only on lethal amounts of caffeine

·         its usually VERY active during finals week (hence their not great grades)

·         it puts shane dawson to shame

·         “NOT CLICKBATE: OBAMA IS FROM THE MOON????”

·         “NEIL A IS ALIEN SPELLED BACKWARDS??? DID ARMSTRONG USE THE MOON AS A WAY TO FUEL UP BEFORE JUMPING BACK TO HIS COLONY ON MARS??”

·         “MY CAT IS NOT FROM EARTH (VIDEO INCLUDED!!!!)”

·         “got rejected again…. </3”

·         “video of fishlegs on sugar high after i gave him a bunch of candy bc he wouldn’t stop crying”

·         “kids from our school found us” (during the whole video theyre panicking while wearing wigs and fake mustaches)

·         needless to say its very confusing when someone connects that those guys are also on cami’s channel

·         shes pissed but comes around and they regularly star on her channel while she regularly stars on theirs

·         hiccup also has his own side channel where he explains different animal species (natural history stuff) and also does various language tutorials

·         fishlegs reads poetry and sings on his side channel

·         cami has a video where she reacts to hiccup’s channel, he actually gained a lot of followers from it

·         hiccup and fishlegs go to the same school while cami goes to an all girls school across town

·         she actually doesn’t hate it

·         hiccup and fishlegs are public school kids

·         that public school vibe

·         kids from their school are so confused how they know cami and rly jealous

·         cami once stopped by after school (her school gets out a little earlier) and punched a bully for them

·         it was iconic

·         she smacked him right in the face and hauled hiccup’s ass up and dragged them both in the car

·         cami is pretty popular at her school

·         hiccup and fishlegs are NOT

·         theyre honestly a bit like peter and ned from spiderman

·         gotta love that lego deathstar

·         cami does not like legos

·         both hiccup and fishlegs are smart but don’t put in a lot of effort

·         fishlegs excels at English and hiccup is good at science classes (esp bio) and history

·         fishlegs is ok at history but finds some of it a little boring

·         they HATE gym

·         theyre both shocked to find that cami (a dumbassTM) is actually a straight A student

·         shes super competitive so she actually does super well and gets rly rly good grades and all her teachers love her

·         she didn’t for awhile bc she has ADHD for school was HARD but shes gotten a lot better and got tutors and study methods and also shes just super competitive

·         she was on math team in middle school and hiccup wont SHUt Up about IT

·         “hey theres my favorite student mathlete!!!!!”

·         fishlegs doesn’t even try and help him anymore, he does this to himself

·         fishlegs wins English awards every year

·         he also got a 36 on his English ACT hes just SO GOOD

·         hes also a theatre kid lmao

·         he does shakespearean theatre on top of his school theatre too

·         “to be or not To Be”

·         Hiccups not a huge English fan and he doesn’t rly like Shakespeare but he does rly like Oscar wilde

·         Dorian gray is the Shit

·         Fishlegs was so happy when he read it bc they could finally talk about LiTeRaRy ClAsSiCs!!!

·         the trio met bc hiccup and cami’s parents own rival business companies

·         both stoick and bertha are very Rich and Important

·         hiccup and cami sometimes have to go to business dinners

·         they fuck around

·         that’s how they met

·         hiccup bumped into cami replacing the soap in the hand dispenser in the men’s room with silly string

·         he thought she was the coolest person ever

·         she tried to fight him at first but they quickly united against the Evil Boring Dinners With Stupid Old Men

·         they locked this one old racist dude in a bathroom stall once and sent fishlegs a video

·         truly forces of chaos

·         the forces of chaos were unfortunately grounded for that tho

·         stoick is very busy and valhallarama travels a lot so they hang out at hiccup’s bc its usually empty (cami’s house is also kinda far)

·         cami’s parents are divorced but her dad stops by occasionally

·         fishlegs has a foster family and that’s how he wound up meeting hiccup was when he moved to be with his new family when they were in second grade

·         hes rly grateful that hes been able to stay with them for a long ass time

·         theyre actually pretty nice

·         hiccup gets to come over for dinner

·         snotlout is hiccup’s bitchy cousin whos a grade ahead of hiccup and fishlegs

·         he eventually becomes nicer to them at the beginning of sophomore year

·         some bad stuff happens  (might write an angst fanfic idk lemme know (itll prolly be hiccup centric))

·         basically, snotlout kinda realizes hes been a bitch

·         hes sorry

·         things get better

·         until yknow

·         gotta keep things sad cant get rid of all the emo

·         but anyway snotlout does wind up becoming a good friend to the trio!! <3

·         oh lmao when valhallarama came home for Christmas she thought hiccup was either dating cami or fishlegs and she didn’t know which one bc hiccup was so shy she just figured he was dating one of them and just didn’t tell her (theyre all like super close yknow)

·         after seeing hiccup and cami holding hands (a RARE moment, it was bc they thought it would annoy snotlout bc he hates cami (it did)) she assumed it was cami

·         she brought it up

·         LMFAOOOO hiccup laughed for like 10 minutes

·         She then immediately was like oh ok ur gay and its fishlegs

·         that was even funnier

·         “mom fishlegs is weird lmao” (he and fishlegs probably friendly roast each other a lot tbh. they definitely call each other “weirdo” “freak” “nerd” other possibly explicit words, its chill)

·         Valhallarama is so confused

·         she didn’t say it but “child u literally told me that u thought ur little cat that’s missing teeth is prolly from area 51, ur the weird one son”

·         she asks stoick

·         hes just as confused

·         she drops the whole topic

·         it has yet to occur to bertha

·         fishlegs’ family is good as long as hes good theyre chill like that

·         oh and cami’s school has uniforms

·         yes, she does have to wear a skirt

·         yes, several of them were shredded freshman year

·         bertha is So Tired

[curiouser-and-curiouser-fics]

Story time bc I enjoy procrastinating

So I worked in my college bakery for my freshman year of college (I’m a junior next semester), and in short, it was a nightmare. I worked 7:00-9:45 am every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, which doesn’t sound bad, but I’m not a morning person at all; if I have to wake up before 7:30 or so, I’m tired all day. Not only did the hours make the experience miserable, it was also the supervisor.

Oh God. The supervisor. Miss Vaughn.

She was a bitchy nightmare on overly-fake tanned legs. She would come in to work a little after we did, and then half an hour into our shift she would leave. Then she’d come back like forty-five minutes later with her hair and makeup done and a coffee from the school café in hand. She yells all the time at everyone for everything. That wouldn’t be such a big problem except I can’t handle hearing people shout when they’re angry, it makes me feel like I’m in danger, it triggers my anxiety. She said blatantly that she hates freshman, which of course was off-putting to us freshman.

But this story is not about Miss Vaughn, but rather about Mr. Peterson, the Bakery Manager.

So one day I was joking around with a coworker friend of mine. She was a ‘student leader’, so she was under the supervisor. She told me to refill the flour bin, and I jokingly said “yOu’Re NoT mY mOm.” We had a little laugh and she was like “okay, okay, just fill the bin up”, and I whisper to myself “bite me”, but I’m like “yeah, I gotchu.” I fill the bin up; all is well.

A little later she pulls me aside and is like “hey I get you’re joking around and I don’t mind but just remember to be professional in the work place, okay?” and I’m like “yeah that’s cool, sorry about that lol.” Everything was fine.

All this took place on my Monday shift. The second part of this story occurs on (if I remember correctly) Friday.

So I get an email from my manager Mr. Peterson to come to his office at the bakery immediately. I told my mom because I was nervous (I’m not good with confrontation, bad past with that), and she was like “maybe you’re getting a promotion!” I told her most likely not, but I couldn’t think of anything wrong I’d done so who knew. 

I arrive at Mr. Peterson’s office, open the door, and greet him with a smile and say something along the lines of “am I in trouble?”, sarcastically of course. Unfortunately, I had hit the nail on the head. He tells me to take a seat and I notice that Miss Vaughn is also there, sitting to the right of me. I’m across from Mr. Peterson’s desk and I don’t like it.

He looks me in the eye and goes “so what happened on Monday?”

My heart stops. I can’t think of anything. I think for a couple minutes and tell him I can’t remember anything that might’ve happened. 

He says something along the lines of “you were reported to have some inappropriate things.” And I’m like what?? Like, this was before I started swearing, and even now I don’t swear at school when anyone other than my closest friends who are okay with it could hear. Keep in mind my college is pretty conservative, most of the rules seem really stuffy, but they’re all there for good reasons and I certainly don’t mind following them, especially in public when I could get caught lmao. 

So naturally I’m like “um, inappropriate stuff?” and he’s like yeah and he takes out this paper and reads what I said off of it. He’s like “apparently you said ‘you’re not my mom’ and ‘bite me’.”

I am mortified. Why am I in trouble for this?? It was a joke??

So that’s what I said. “oh haha that was just a joke between me and So And So, she talked to me about it afterwards and it was all fine.” I figure it’s all over now, I’ve just explained the problem.

He’s not buying it. He goes on for half an hour about how horrible it is to talk like that, about how he wouldn’t even talk to his closest friends like that, blah blah blah. He’s not stopping, implying how bad of a person I am for saying these things.

So, naturally, I start to cry. I don’t handle pressure well at all.

He asks me this: “Do you know what it means when people cry when they’re confronted about something they did?”

I’m wiping away tears and trying to control my breathing, and I shake my head no.

And this mfer says “It means they don’t care.”

I froze. It was literally so stupid that my brain stopped.

How in seven shades of hell does someone crying mean they don’t care??? Why the hell would you force yourself to shed tears if you didn’t care???? it made no sense. I still wonder to this day if he has kids. I know he’s married to some poor woman.

So basically it concluded with him telling me that I was lucky he wasn’t going to put this onto my permanent school record, and that he could only report this (to my temporary record, it gets wiped clean every semester which is nice) under the category of ‘foul language’ because it was the closest thing to what had happened.

First of all, no.

It was nothing near ‘foul language.’ Why report it at all if there’s not even a category for it?

Mr. Peterson and Miss Vaughn decided to leave my punishment at a shift suspension, which was cool because then I could sleep in that upcoming Monday.

But that still upsets me to this day.

[bird-was-here]

THE INTERROGATION.

Oz knew these people. All of them. Ever since he was a child, he’d been familiar with the screech of walkie talkies. The guns. The courtrooms. He was The Honorable Judge Langston’s boy. Even in death, his father was well respected. And more importantly: feared. To turn a blind eye to the Lamars’ grip on the Ashmont police department and judicial system as a whole would be either naive or for your own safety. Some chose to only view Oz’s father as a smart man, a father, a man of the law with a winning smile; someone who came to barbeques; someone who made sure they got a card on their birthday. Some knew him as a puppet master, strings controlling facets of Ashmont’s government and justice and money held firmly between his big palm. Regardless of what you thought about Langston Lamar, Sr. everyone knew Oz’s father as power. And extreme power at that.

And Oz wasn’t an idiot. He knew what some members of the police force said about him. He heard them when he entered. Heard them talk about him by the water fountain in hushed whispers, behind their mugs of coffee, lips pressed into straight lines.

Well lookit here, judge jr. or that’s that fuckin Lamar kid, or it’s about time.

He knew this wasn’t a fair fight.

Daddy isn’t here to protect him now.

Maybe. In some sick, twisted, unforgivable way. His father was preparing him for this moment. For when Judge Langston Oscar Lamar, Sr. was gone. And Langston Oscar Lamar, Jr. was left with the battle scars and the training. And Oz was prepared.

Immediately as he was seated, before they could ask anything, his hands folded neatly in front of him on the table where they could see them (because Elaine Grant and the rookie were cops regardless of small smiles and kind eyes) he spoke. His voice was clear, crisp, and sounding too much like his father’s, “I want to invoke my right to counsel. I will not answer any questions until I have consulted with my attorney.”

mentioned (in order): Daisey (throughout of course), @nevaehporter , @uhdirtbag , @eyes-on-me-please​ , @bclthczcros , @ofhvney , @ofzola

Part One ( You. )

Do you have any criminal history? Anything big or small that you want to make us aware of?

Oz’s father had taught him many things: how to shoot a gun (rather, how to shoot once and hit whatever you were pointing at); how to handle the police; how to read legal books at seven as if he was preparing to take the bar exam the following year... And for the first time in his life, he wished his father was here. But there was no bringing him back. Oz could -- would -- do this alone. His attorney, sitting behind Oz now, had been his father’s. The Lamars always had him, a man by the name of Arnold Dupree, on speed dial. Because, of course, they did. 

His face stayed neutral, answering their question directly, “No, I do not.” Which was not a lie. He had no criminal record. And there was nothing he wanted to make the police aware of.

How have you spent the few weeks back at college? What have they been like?

Oz wished that literally any of the officers that hated his father and thus hated him by association were conducting this interrogation. He knew Officer Grant. And he felt bad she would be the one he had to do this with. He had his father’s eyes. Eyes that cut. That stared through Elaine as if she hadn’t come to his third birthday party. As if all of the ‘you’ve gotten so tall’s and ‘tell your mother I say hello’s meant nothing. 

Again, his response was neutral, “I’m in my first year of medical school, I’ve been very busy with my studies.” He felt no need to comment on how he enjoyed his physiology classes or how he was already taking courses in neuroscience. “My schoolwork occupies most of my time.”

Part Two ( Daisey. )

How did you know Miss. Rutherford? What was the nature of your relationship?

He could feel his heart skip a beat in his chest. Miss Rutherford. Daisey. Forcing the gaping hole in his chest hidden behind his button down to close. Not here. The mere mention of her name in this way was almost enough to send him spiraling. Almost. “We were childhood friends. We had been in a relationship for approximately a year and a half, but have since separated amicably. She’s one of my best friends.” Was. She was one of his best friends. She was the love of his life at one point. He had promised her he’d take care of her. And fell short. There would forever be an empty space that Daisey once to inhabited in his life. And to a certain extent, he would never forgive himself for not doing more. Even if that was illogical, even if there was nothing he could have done. Which there wasn’t.

Do you remember where you were the night Daisey went missing? If so, where were you? What were you doing? Who were you with?

He exhaled, “Yes. I was hosting a party at my home. We had danced towards the end of the evening, Daisey and I, but I had to attend to other party-goers. I left her to speak with my cousin Nevaeh and didn’t see Daisey for the rest of the night. I spent at least 30 to 45 minutes with Nevaeh in the garden.” He hoped that if they were to question Nevaeh too, this would give her an alibi. She had been with Oz.

Did you notice anything strange about Daisey’s behavior the night she went missing? Did you notice anything suspicious about anyone else you ran into that night?

He shook his head, “No, she seemed fine. Her normal self. Though I didn’t receive a text from her the morning after which was very unlike her.” A pause at the second question, “Yes. Someone was sifting through the knife drawer in my kitchen. Kieran.” He didn’t need to explain who Kieran was to Elaine, this was the son of the chief of police. Everyone in that building knew who Kieran was, “It happed around 2am. And I asked him to leave. I’m still missing one of the knives from the drawer.”

Where were you the night Daisey’s body was recovered?

"It was the second day of my PBL, I was at my apartment studying for a test I had the following week. My mother texted me that it was important I come home, so, I met her in our sitting room, and that’s when I was told.” He remembers his mother sitting him down. His stepfather there for support -- for his mother, not Oz. In reality, there was nothing either of them could do to prevent the break down that was to come. He remembers silently listening to his mother’s neat, official voice, his stepfather’s hand on her shoulder. He remembers his eye twitching though he had expected this was what they were going to tell him that Daisey was dead (but not just dead but laid out on display like sleeping fucking beauty in the fucking junkyard). He remembers standing before she finished, without a word. And disappearing into the large house and locking himself away to crumble alone. “So, in my apartment. And then my mother’s.”

How familiar are you with the Ashmont woods? Have you been there often? Have you recently ventured out here? If so, why?

The Ashmont woods. He and Daisey used to visit there all the time. He remembers her teetering on logs over stream banks, jumping off of rocks, swinging from tree branches and teasing ‘aw do you ~~careee~~ about ~~meee~~?’ The answer was always a firm, worried ‘yes, get down from there!’ Sometimes, when they had gotten older, they’d smoke there together. He remembers the first time she kissed him. It was in those woods. They were in high school, and he was nursing a black eye that he would blame on lacrosse practice. They were still in their school clothes. He remembers her wearing his blazer, draped over her shoulders so elegantly and perfect as if it was made for her, how he exhaled brow furrowed. ‘One day... I swear to god, Daisey. One day... He’s going to fucking pay.’ It was only by chance that he caught her staring at him, pulling him from his brooding. Not that she was making any attempt to hide. She had always been shameless, plucking the cigarette straight from his lips. Oh, Oz remembers the heat, how his eyes widened in surprise, the flush of his face, how everything melted away and it was just him and Daisey. The only two people in Ashmont. It was cliche, sure, but he felt those fireworks. Those butterflies. And fireflies... It was immediate, the thought that one day he was going to marry this girl. Yeah. Oz knew those woods like the back of his hand. How could he forget?

“It’s located behind my home. I used to go there often as a child and into my teens but not as much anymore. I haven’t ventured out there recently, no.” He and Alice have lately seemed to prefer secluded spots closer to campus to smoke in private. The woods had been a special place Daisey had taken both of them, but it had become too far of a trek once the school year started back up, “The last time I was there must have been sometime during the summer.”

Part Three ( the Investigation. )

Do you have feelings towards the investigation? Any comments?

He almost lost it, at this point wracked with memories of a girl he loved and would never have, memories of childhood, memories of pain, and warmth, and isolation. And they had the audacity to ask him if he had any feelings towards the investigation. Feelings. As if this wasn’t something he felt so profoundly, and horribly. As if each and every question wasn’t a source of stabbing pain, “Of course I do, she was a close friend.” He could feel Dupree’s eyes on the back of his head and pulled the reins, “I trust the Ashmont police will bring whoever did this to justice, to offer the Rutherfords some sort of solace and so that Daisey can rest in peace. That’s all I want.”

Do you have any people you feel the police should look into? Please, let us know who and why.

He was finished here.  “Daisey knew a lot of people, even more than I do. She reached everyone on St. Etienne’s campus. But I would speak to Kieran.” He was tempted to mention Zar. Who hated him, and Oz was sure hated Daisey for similar reasons. But he refrained. Daisey had never come up in their conversations and for all Oz knew Zar had been fucking Agave or whatever the hell that kid’s name was the entire night of the party. He wasn’t going to throw him under the bus. Especially not when he knew that if Zo found out, it would hurt her. Zar was safe for now. “I don’t know him well at all anymore, but stealing knives seems concerning.”

[shanie-the-toyaddict]

SO. IN HONOR OF THE NEW YEAR AND 20 YEARS OF THE NEW MILLENNIUM

If, by some weird workings of science fiction and time travel, my 30-Something-Self self had been transported back to 1990′s and replaced my Teenage-Self self in my fandom pursuits, still holding full knowledge of all culture and awareness from my thirties but viewing the 90′s stuff for the first time... (read as “If I had known then what I know now) the following things would have changed.

Xena:

I wouldn’t have doubted the “Subtexters”

In fact, I would have shipped Xena/Gabrielle from day 1.

I still would have loved Joxer, but would never have shipped him with Gab

I would have HATED Ares, but still loved Kev.

I would have bought more merchandise with what little money I had.

I WOULDN’T HAVE TAPED OVER “THE WAY”

I would have spent more time engaging in discourse with other fans, and less time stewing about the show in silence

I wouldn’t have prejudged episodes, and instead watched each episode as it aired, rather than read spoilers and base my opinion on those.

In general, I would have tried to avoid spoilers. 

I would have realized that the boys at my lunch table are hopeless. Don’t discuss Xena with them. Find thyself a lesbian chatroom for that shit instead.

I wouldn’t have laughed at Miss Artiphys.

Regarding Hercules: I wouldn’t have shipped Autolycus with Cupcake. She was better than him, and while he was portrayed as the “Noble Rogue” and such, I would have realized that his using her as a pawn in his schemes was unforgivable, regardless of how hard he fell for her later.

Regarding Xena: Same EXACT thing with Xena/Ares. It would have been a NO GO. It was never my biggest ship then either, but if I had known then what I know now? It would DISGUST me.

BUFFY/ANGEL

I probably wouldn’t have been a fan

I would have realized how toxic the writing was and how horribly it treated its women

I wouldn’t have made excuses for Joss

I wouldn’t have made excuses for Spike (as a character)

I wouldn’t have simply sat back and accepted the death of Tara

In general, I would have realized that Buffy and Angel are horrible and not a suitable substitute for Xena

WWE: 

I really, REALLY hate to say this, but I probably would have been a closet Shane/Test shipper. I just realized this five minutes ago, and it SCARES me.

I would have appreciated Stephanie’s character for the HBIC she was. Stephanie’s acting may not have been the best (I guess it coming naturally runs with the men in her family) but I would have supported her CHARACTER to the ends of the fucking EARTH for her refusal to be confined by her position as “Daddy’s Little Girl” and her running her own family off TV and being, again, HBIC in their place.

I would have loved Ivory, Molly, and Luna even more than ever, and despised Sable with the burning passion of a million suns

I would have spent more time appreciating the beauty of women like Chyna and Jazz.

I would have appreciated Rico for the icon he was.

Billy and Chuck, however, would have HORRIFIED me

As would HLA. (If you don’t know what that is, DO NOT look it up. I am BEGGING you)

I would have found Mae Young giving birth to a hand completely WRONG for an entirely different set of reasons.

Katie Vick wouldn’t have offended me as much as the constant body shaming of much of the “Diva’s Division” (UGH DO NOT EVEN...)

I would have been able to objectively protest the pillow fights and bra and panty matches, while still appreciating the beauty of the women involved. 

I wouldn’t have faulted Chyna for doing playboy OR porn.

I would have been extremely upset by Shawn Michaels misgendering Nicole Bass, a humiliation that led to her leaving the company.

I would have been far more supportive of Trish Stratus and realized that you can be BOTH beautiful AND badass.

I would have watched ECW and WCW as well. (Not specifically a WWE thing, but it needs said.)

I wouldn’t have hated on Lita for her finisher. Yes, it was a really REALLY dangerous version of the move, and yes she did EVENTUALLY break her neck over it, but you know, it isn’t my place to judge that shit, so just sit back and appreciate the effort she is making, K?

I would have bought more DVDs and Merch in general

I would have held on tighter to the shit I DID have.

I wouldn’t have been turned off by the slashers in the DX crowd. 

Hell, I likely would have been one of them.

I wouldn’t have flipped my shit over HALF the stuff Shane was doing, especially if I had somehow had prior knowledge over how INSANE his shit would later become.

Speaking of which, I would still love Shane McMahon with every fiber of my being. That would NOT change. What would change? I would be an even BIGGER AND BETTER fan.

I wouldn’t have stopped watching after the Car Battery Bullshit. I would have just accepted it as “Sometimes bad writing happens to good characters” and moved on.

I would acknowledge his status as a human fucking BEING much earlier and, while still loving him unconditionally, wouldn’t have put him on a pedestal and allowed his existence to rule my entire life.

I would have gone to that house show in Toledo he was main eventing.

Having maintained my status as a fan, I would have also attended the episode of RAW from Toledo in 2006 (?) and sat my happy ass at RINGSIDE.

I would have written actual, COHERENT fan-mail, back in the days when he would still answer it personally.

I wouldn’t have celebrated January 15th as a holiday. (Among other reasons, apparently, Shane doesn’t like birthdays? I didn’t know.)

I would have TAPED LIVEWIRE (every damn episode with Marissa)

I would have avoided some of the most dumbass and idiotic stuff I did as a fan of his, including cosplaying as him at WWFNY

I also wouldn’t have cosplayed as his sister to school. While I appreciate her BBE, pleather tightpants have NO PLACE IN A PUBLIC SCHOOL.

I probably would have just accepted that there is a time and a place for the Shane-O-Shuffle, and while I wouldn’t have stopped doing it completely, it wouldn’t have been my damn IDLE ANIMATION.

At the same time, I would make ZERO apologies for people who hated when I DID break that shit out

I would have taken a massive amount of offense every time someone told Shane (on camera or off) to “Switch to Decaf”, as well as likely pointed out to people who said that shit IRL that “No, you want him to calm down? GIVE HIM THE CAFFEINE” knowing full well what caffeine does to ADHD people. 

The one or two times someone came up to me while I was watching and commented about “Is he off his meds?” I WOULD HAVE SMASHED TEETH

Basically, I would have been EXTREMELY protective of him regarding his ADHD and it would have been a MASSIVE berzerk button of mine, rather than just a point of interest and amusement.

These are just the things that I can think of off the top of my head. I know I like to go off on these long introspective tangents, but as it IS the end of the decade, and somehow, my fandom interests in 2020 are looking ODDLY similar to those from 2000, I thought I would make this list.

So here you all go. This is mostly for me, but yinz guyz get to see it too.

[lokisgame]

A Case Of You

First date. Excerpt from Aprons And Scrubs. THE SONG

Thank God it wasn't exactly Valentine's. Initially the plan was to take her out on the 14th, but that kiss ruined his plans in the best way possible. He thought about the crowds, the tacky hearts and forced romance and decided it wasn't them. The place he chose was small but had no problem with his last minute reservation and he was confident the food would be great. Mulder debating what to wear, decided to go with fun, with a dark shirt and suit as a backdrop for the vibrant tie. At 6:30 he knocked at her door, a bunch of red carnations in hand. Roses weren't him either, pretty at the florist, dead two days after. Carnations lasted for weeks, if taken care of, a girl in college told him once, and he lived by it. Not Phoebe, damn her blackened soul, she cared nothing for hearts and flowers. Especially not his.

Scully had the rare weekend off. She took the time to get ready glad that a dress was no problem at least. A slim fitting little black dress, she went for simple elegance with only her gold cross and diamond earrings, a gift from her father, after she graduated from med school, chosen as a nod to his memory. Hair pinned up, with a few strands framing her face, she knew that if by any chance... no, too soon to think about that, she scolded herself trying to suppress a smile. It's just dinner, just a night out... With Mulder... who kissed like a god. How did he know what she liked? Most guys fumbled around, missed the spot, too much grabby hands too soon, she hated that. She didn't like to hurry because it was different each time and small steps meant the guy was in for the long haul. And that kiss, how did that happen? The very thought of the slow languid strokes of his tongue in her mouth defeated the purpose of applying blush. Yes, they have kissed before, but it was always sweet and tender, filled with promises. The kiss last night was like a first of those promises being kept, and she kissed him first no less! So far things that started like that ended bad for her, usually because she wanted someone whom she couldn't have, but this was Mulder so she made an effort to believe things will be different this time. She brushed the mascara over her eyelashes, lips slightly parted so her eyelid wouldn't flutter, because her hand did shake with excitement. Excitement and fear, that tonight she might gain a lover of lose a friend. She was fairly certain the chance of the latter were slim, but she tried to plan for the worst as she hoped for the best, even if she had no idea where even begin to look for a plan B. A wool coat and stockings, who said Dana Scully didn't know how to go crazy! The moment she zipped up her high heeled boots she heard a knock.

"Hi," Mulder greeted her, taking in the low square neckline of her dress and the magic thing it did to reveal only hints of what might be the most perfect pair of breasts he's ever seen. "Hi," Scully turned to shut the door and gave him a precious second to gather his jaw off the floor. And he thought she looked gorgeous at the New Year's Eve party. How silly was he. "These are for you," he handed her the flowers and she brought them to her nose, breathing in the subtle fragrance. "They're beautiful, thank you," she said turning and heading for the kitchen to put them in water. Mulder stood corrected, her ass looked even better in that dress, the high heels making her hips sway gently as she walked away. That woman will be the end of him, if she looked this good dressed he didn't dare to imagine show she looked naked. He felt warm instantly and had to unbutton his coat for a moment. She looked back to him and noticed his tie and shirt, managing not to laugh because after all, he was wearing her gift. "Mulder, you look like a high school basketball coach trying to look fun chaperoning the prom." "Heeeyyyy..." he shifted uncomfortably because that kind of hurt his feelings, but only until she stepped around the table and came closer. Standing on her tiptoes she kissed him sweetly and reached to pull the tie from around his neck and unbuttoned the top button of his shirt. With the smile her kiss caused him, he once again looked like a picture of confidence framed in casual nonchalance she knew and loved, only more drop-dead handsome, if that was even possible. She folded the tie in half and draped it over the back of the couch. "You'll get it back." Mulder was going to make sure of that, because this was quickly becoming his favorite tie. "Come on," he took her coat, helped her put it on and offered his arm which she took, "the cab is waiting."

The restaurant was small, just a few tables, two waiters and, to her delight, a young man playing piano in the corner of the room, probably son of the owner. The kid had talent and imagination, Scully appreciated that. Somewhere between main course and desert Mulder moved from the chair to the plush seat beside her. He continued to conquer her personal space, his arm on the back of the seat, casually draped around her, as if unaware of the intimacy it projected. Scully herself only realized it, because of the warmth that he brought with him. It felt almost as natural as breathing, to touch him, to be touched, to keep him in. With other men it took months to get here, if it ever did. She felt very relaxed around him, as if all the small touches and kisses they shared before had no other purpose than say "I'm here." "Mulder, what made you open up a bar?" "Hmmm?" Mulder seemed fascinated by the cut of her earring. "I mean, you left the FBI, but you're still a psychologist, why not open a practice, live comfortably doing nothing but listening to congressmen complain about wives and mistresses?" He chuckled. "That's just it, I wasn't that good at listening to other people's problems and fears. A real therapist knows what to do with it, not me. I'd suck up all their angst and sooner or later I would come across some lost soul that would drag me down with him. I can't, I care too much sometimes for it to be healthy. And I was a profiler, I lived for the puzzle, not confessions of others." "But why a bar? Why not grocery store or a book store or heck, go crazy, a hair salon!" Mulder laughed. "Yeah, grocery store seems safest, but can you imagine?" He took up a mock french accent playing with a strand of hair that fell down her cheek. "Oh Miss Scoolly, so good to see you again so soon, what will we do today? It's too early for color, you look marvelous, how do you do it, with more customers like you I'd be out of business, how about a little trim, half an inch from the sides, it will transform your life, I guarantee!" She ducked her head and laughed, a loud belly laugh hat made his night, just like that. "I could see the ladies lining up for three blocks. We need a name for that, let me think," she giggled, "Mulder's Coiffeurs or better Fox's Curls and Tresses." "No, not that," he groaned rolling his eyes, "I hate my first name." "Why? It's so original, and graphic, no wait, I know, you could sell hats! Your store sign would have a pretty girl with a fox's tail falling down her shoulder from the brim of her hat." "Yeah, animal lovers would love that," he snorted. "Oh, right, haven't thought of that," she noticed the line between silly and honest approaching and backed down. "I can't sleep," Mulder's tone indeed turned honest. "It's as simple as that. Insomnia had me staying up all night since I was twelve," with a bit of sadness in his eyes he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and brushed the back of his hand over her sensitive spot, making a shiver run down her spine. She ignored it for now, this was more important. "Before I left the bureau, I spent a year going through old X-files. And most of that time, my day consisted of getting up, going to work, sitting alone in the basement and reading, then going home to an empty apartment, not sleep for hours, insomnia in full swing at that time, eventually crash for maybe two hours, nightmares waiting the moment I closed my eyes." Scully took care to listen and remember every word he said, so he wouldn't have to go through this story again. "Profiling did horrible things to me before that, and I was alone, week in week out. The most significant human interaction I would get, was an occasional night out with the Gunmen and "99 cents" from a dead tired clerk at the kiosk where I bought sunflower seeds every day." She felt bad for asking, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't ask." "No," Mulder took her hand, squeezing reassuringly, "it's okay, because that was the moment I decided that I needed a change. X-files were going nowhere, and by that time I read enough, that I could fill my own Library Of Congress section on paranormal and unexplained. Cases that landed on FBI's lap reached as far as the 2nd World War, and Roswell. Cold war must have been a real page turner, judging by the number of censored files, and no one was doing anything about it, and no one planed to." He was no longer sad, the fire was back in his eyes. "That was when I realized our government doesn't care about the people, only his own twisted agenda and I couldn't support that. I crossed the the F and the B, and focused on I in the FBI. You know I write for "The Lone Gunman", under a pseudonym naturally, but it's something I could never do if I worked for the bureau. I travel sometimes, talk to people, write down their stories and give them voice, so others would know, that they are not alone, there are people with similar experiences and the fact that I can do something for them, gave me the strength to keep going, to keep looking. For Sam, to know what happened the night she disappeared." Pure conviction in his voice took her breath away. "The truth is out there. And it won't stay hidden in their basements forever." "And the bar?" "It's a way to keep me sane," Mulder chuckled, "to keep that human connection alive and well. That year in the basement, it was bad, to be that disconnected made my mind fester. I realized I needed to be around people, and like you said, there's a bit of a therapist in every bartender," he smiled and reached for the bottle of wine to fill her glass. "I pour drinks, I listen. The difference is that I have a fancy diploma to back it up. 'The Believer' is always open for people with strange stories and memories to share, and besides," he smiled at her broadly, back to here and now from the depths of his past, "I'm not sure I would ever meet you, if I'd still carry a badge." Scully listened, truly amazed. Once again Mulder's story was not what she expected to hear, not on a first date anyway. She had no words to begin describing the feeling his journey evoked in her, so she cupped his cheek and kissed him. This man so remarkable she wouldn't believe he was real. He saw it, too much awe, too much pride. He didn't want it, he knew he never deserved it, so he kissed her back, resting one hand on the curve of her waist, parting her lips with his tongue, deepening the kiss for two heartbeats, barely decent, bold enough to kick down that pedestal he saw in her eyes. "Mulder," she had to squeeze in the warning between arousal and want in her tone. If they were at the bar, this thing might escalate pretty quickly. "What? Desert?" He kissed her again, quick, deep and hot, "I think you're right, what would you like." "You," she whispered pressing her lips, chastely this time, to the corner of his mouth. "You've got that," he teased, "but I feel like I need to redeem myself after dumping my past on you, so tell me." she leaned back, her hand back in his while he made due with kissing her knuckles, happy he managed to wake her desire. He wanted her to know and still want him, not worship or admire. "What would you like?" "Ice cream sundae," she said without skipping a beat, "and we share, it's a Valentine's Day date requirement." Two spoons, a ton of chocolate and Scully's giggles saved the moment.

They took a cab back to her place, the night was cold. Mulder got out to help her and she took his hand as her feet touched the pavement. It was a moment of silent agreement, her hand squeezed his, she took a step without letting go, and he knew to pay the driver and let her take him upstairs to her apartment.

Scully's heart pounded in her chest, as she searched for keys in her small purse, Mulder less than an inch behind her. She found it, let them in, and turned to find his warm soft lips. He took her face in his hands, warming her cold cheeks, as she unbuttoned his coat to slip her arms around him. He kissed her slowly, thoroughly, as his hands traveled down her shoulders to the buttons on her coat. He helped her slip out of it, tossing it to the back of the couch, then pulled on her scarf. Blue silk freed her perfume, and again he felt dizzy from it, compelled to bury his face in her neck, this time by way of kisses. His coat landed next to hers, mouths searching, missing targets, sloppy but increasingly more fun with each step that brought them farther inside the apartment. He stepped out of his shoes as she peeled of his jacket. Scully bumped into the back of the couch, walking backwards, and he knelled to unzip her boots and pull them off her small feet for her. She looked stunning, as she pulled one pin from her chignon and her hair fell down in soft waves down her shoulders. Without looking away from her eyes, Mulder ran his hands up the back of her calves and stood up, towering over her for the briefest moment, before he picked her off the floor, hands grabbing the backs of her thighs, stockings dear God, the word goddess flashing through his mind. Scully's legs went around his waist, arms around shoulders, she did not fight for fear she'd topple them over, and he carried her through to the bedroom, ignoring her protests, your leg, no need, I can walk, he was def to her concern over him or his health at the moment. He pleaded temporary insanity from her breasts pressed against his chest through silk and satin of their clothes. "Mulder," she breathed into his ear, holding on to him as he reached to push the door open, "condoms, bathroom, medicine cabinet." He didn't stop but walked in and put her down on her feet. He took her hand and without a word slipped it into his pants pocket, smiling as her palm closed around two foil packets and brushed against the erection that was already starting to feel uncomfortable. "Small steps, Scully," he reached around her and found the tab on the zipper of her dress, and started to pull it down slowly, "I wouldn't do this if I wasn't prepared." "I saw your blood work," she explained taking her hand out of his pocket and dropping the condoms on the bed, "and I'm on the pill but..." he shushed her with a soft kiss, hands caressing her bare skin on the way up to her shoulders. "I know, small steps." A kiss to the side of her neck and a brush of his fingers and the dress pooled around her feet with a whisper of satin. Black lace and silk stockings were all she got left and felt like he was definitely overdressed. "You need some help?" Scully reached to the bedside table and turned on the lamp. Soft light filed the room and the sight stunned Mulder into silence. He could do nothing but stare at her skin, body all soft curves and freckles and female perfection standing before him. She reached up and made quick work of the buttons on his shirt, pulling it from his pants, already bulging impressively. Scully pulled the belt from the loops of his pants and dropped it to the floor, taking a step around to switch places and push him on the bed behind him. "You run around too much, I told you that already." Hovering above him, keeping her tone playful, she slowly unbuttoned his pants to pull them down, mindful of his recent injury. His socks followed suit as she knelt down on the floor between his knees, looking up. He was looking at her, propped up on his elbows, his erection straining his briefs. "Scully, are you sure?" He asked quietly, not concerned, just making sure. "If I wasn't," she replied with confidence, standing up and resting her toes on his knee, "we wouldn't be here." Mulder got rid of his doubts and reached to peel the last of the silk and lace of her body.

Scully laid on the bed, his face inches from hers, watching every change in her expression as he ran two fingers between her thighs, learning what made her tick, following her hand. They fumbled at first and he decided to just let her take the lead. Now she was straining against him, arching her back. He kissed her from time to time, wet sloppy kisses, all soft brushes of languid tongues. He kissed her breasts and nibbled on her nipples, and shoulder and neck, but now he was watching her knead the soft flesh and pinch the hard tip of it and circling around it with her thumbnail. Each moan was like a reward for a well aimed stroke of his hand. He dipped two fingers inside her, her clit swelled as he brushed past it from time to time. He returned there but not too often, she was very responsive to what he did for her. Sometimes her finger joined his, showing him what to do and how, but mostly she just let him explore, take his time. "Like that," she threw her head back and he felt her walls soften under his touch, become pliant, ready for him to join in on the fun. Mulder knew his leg was not yet 100 percent healed, so he brought her as close to the edge as possible without wasting the strength he knew, he would need. She thought he was teasing when his hand moved away, but as his weight shifted and the tip of his cock started to push inside her, she welcomed him into her arms. The sensation was pure and undiluted bliss. "You feel so good," she whispered pulling his lips to hers, her tongue in his mouth as hot as her centre. "I've wanted you since you tossed back that first shot of whiskey at the bar with me," he confessed pulling her knee up and around his hip, shifting so that most of his weight rested on his good side, and started to pump into her, slowly, like he did earlier with his fingers, "you trusted me, I see that now." "I never did that," she panted as he started picking up pace, "let a guy talk me into doing something." She dropped a kiss on his parted lips, "but with you it felt different." her one hand pushed between them and found her clit, the other scratched down his back all the way to his ass, she relished the way his muscles flexed with each thrust. "Like this." Mulder wasn't sure if she was speaking of that night or urging him on, "like what?" "Amazing," she breathed, and he could do nothing else but agree. He felt himself quicken, as she swelled around him. Their lips met and she was whimpering softly with his each thrust, now urgent and hard. "Keep going, like that," her finger moved fast in tight circles, "Mulder, oh God, I'm going to..." She didn't need to finish because just then her body spasmed under and around him. Scully held on, trying to pull him inside her, her free arm now tight around his shoulders, her hand at the nape of his neck, her lips at his ear. "Let go, come for me," and she ran her tongue around his ear, bit his earlobe and he couldn't fight it anymore, he came and fell and she caught him.

It was her turn to watch him, limbs intertwined, bodies sated, sheets pulled warm around them. "What did you do to me?" He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, with tenderness she hasn't felt in years. "What do you mean?" "I feel like you just moved in here," he said taking her hand and placing it over his heart, "and started redecorating." "Do I get the attic as well?" Scully chanced a joke, kissing his temple and running fingers through his hair, silky smooth and soft, now that she knew he liked that. "If you don't mind the toys there," he teased back. Self deprecating was his idea of honest when speaking about himself. "Mulder, you are a good man," she told him, kissing his lower lip gently, she knew it and felt it, and that made it as good as true for her. "I'm Spooky Mulder howling at the moon," he countered, a faint sleepy smile tugging at the corner of his lips. "No, you care about people, that's noble, you're like a white knight that way" she explained, feeling his midnight stubble with the back of her fingers. "Wait," he looked alarmed for a moment, "not like Don Quixote or something, right?" "What, you want me to stroke your ego some more?" She reached under the covers and found his shaft, running her palm up and down its' length, and circling the head with her thumb. His eyes rolled back as he started to get hard again, she was starting to love how he could not resist her. "That's not where it's at, but it has a direct line." "Shut up Mulder," she straddled his hips and kissed him for real this time.

The next morning Mulder woke up in Scully's bed. In pain. He untangled himself from her small warm body, asleep with her back against his chest, and knowing it was impossible not to wake her, he turned onto his back and groaned. His thigh was killing him. "Mulder?" Her sleepy voice sounded concerned as she turned to face him, "what's wrong?" "My leg," was all he managed to say, the pain was spreading to his hip and lower back. She uncovered his side and saw no bruising or alarming swelling around the freshly healed wound. "You pushed yourself last night," she covered him and started to get up, "I told you not to carry me." "Adrenaline rush Doc, couldn't help it," he joked, but really felt terrible, "where are you going?" "I'll be right back," she kissed his forehead and left him to his suffering. Scully went to the kitchen, tying the robe around her waist and noting in passing the path of clothes they left behind last night. They needed coffee. She opened the fridge, scanning it's contents and finding it satisfactory, took out the coffee and started a fresh pot. "Take this." She came back handing Mulder one pill and a glass of water, and noticing his hesitation clarified, "it's Tylenol 3," then pulled the covers back off his leg and covered it with a bag of frozen peas. "Bad news, you're not going anywhere today." Mulder looked at her and barked out a strained laugh. "And how is that bad news?" His reaction shook her out of her doctor persona and she realized what she just said. "Right," she laughed and leaned over to kiss his smiling lips, "happy Valentine's Day Mulder."

[gossamie]

i hope you’re watching this.

— summary: [AUDIO TRANSCRIPT] Korea’s Entertainment Live! Ep. 143 - Watch as singer Jeon Jungkook goes into shocking detail about his recent and public breakup.

— pairing: jeon jungkook x reader

— genre: angst

— word count: 1,688

— warnings: minor swearing, s a d n e s s

— notes: i like to think of this story as read this before i break up with you meets you and i are lost stars. as these are some of my favorite works, naturally, i really wanted to start writing this story the minute i found the inspiration for it. i hope you enjoy!

p.s. thanks again to @fentasies for helping out with this story, please check her out!

“Fame is a beast that you can't control or be prepared for.” - Tom Holland

FILE NAME: Ep_143.wav

[00:00:00]

YHM: Why, hello there and welcome back to Korea’s Entertainment Live!, South Korea’s #1 late-night show that gives you the latest on the nation’s celebrities and elite. I’m your host, Yoo Hyunmin, and let’s get onto the show, shall we?

[00:01:32]

YHM: As always, we have a star-studded line-up for you tonight, starting off with our first guest. Recently awarded ‘Best New Artist’ at only twenty years old, he’s gained worldwide popularity with his ‘golden’ vocals. He’s also been dubbed ‘The Heart of South Korea’, and rightfully so, because there’s no denying that he’s captured the hearts of every girl across the nation with his beauty and personality. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jeon Jungkook!

[00:05:22]

YHM: Thank you for joining us, Jungkook.

JJK: Thank you for having me.

YHM: First things first, I think it’d be rude of me to have you here and not congratulate you on your new album, Euphoria, which was certified gold by the RIAA only two weeks into its promotion. Now that deserves some applause, huh?

[00:06:13]

YHM: Success like that— it’s incredible! How do you feel about it?

JJK: I feel like you described it perfectly; it’s absolutely incredible. None of those fancy titles or awards or anything would’ve been possible without my fans, so trust me when I say that I’m beyond grateful for them. I don’t know what I would do without them.

[00:06:45]

YHM: It must be hard to hear the silence in the room, then.

[00:06:55]

YHM: I’ll be honest with you, Jungkook, you haven’t been looking so great in the public’s eye recently.

JJK: Yeah, that’s… that’s an understatement.

YHM: I don’t think it’s a secret to neither me nor you as to why I haven’t heard a single fan cheer for you. So, I guess to clear the room of this— this unspoken thing, let’s talk about the breakup.

JJK: Yeah, okay.

YHM: Is there anything that you feel you need to explain about it?

JJK: I mean, what is there to explain? We broke up. There’s not much to it.

YHM: Well, from what I understand, it was a very public breakup, and, for her, at least, completely unexpected. But, other than that, there’s not that much that we know about it.

[00:08:41]

YHM: No one really understands why the breakup was so messy or how it even got to this point. So, I think, for the sake of our viewers and for the media, especially, it would be beneficial to understand the breakup by understanding the relationship. I’ll ask you some questions about it, is that okay?

[00:08:59]

YHM: Jungkook?

[00:09:03]

JJK: Oh— yes?

YHM: Can I ask you questions about your relationship with L/N Y/N?

JJK: Yeah, go for it. Sorry.

[00:09:12]

YHM: Let’s start off simple. How long were you two dating?

JJK: 3 years, 8 months, and 1 day.

YHM: You still remember it?

JJK: I never let myself forget.

[00:09:48]

YHM: That is some dedication right there.

JJK: Well, anniversaries were valuable to us. How could I forget something that was so important to her?

[00:10:13]

YHM: How do you know Y/N?

JJK: I’ve known Y/N since our freshman year of high school. She was the class president; I was the class clown. I always knew she was way out of my league. To this day, I still don’t understand why she wanted to talk to someone like me, let alone wanted to date someone like me.

YHM: Someone like you? What do you mean by that?

JJK: Y/N is intelligent and independent and patient and beautiful, God, she’s so beautiful— she’s the definition of perfection. She’s everything that I’m not. Someone that perfect doesn’t fall in love with someone as flawed as me.

YHM: Oh, come on, Jungkook, we all know you’re perfect.

JJK: No. Believe me, I am far from perfect.

YHM: Alright, whatever you say.

[00:11:21]

YHM: So, how did you two meet?

JJK: Oh, it’s kind of funny, how we met. I had a thing for messing with teachers, especially substitutes. It just so happened that my homeroom teacher was sick on that Friday and I thought it would be a great idea to use the substitute’s head as a target for my spitball. But I have terrible aim, so that spitball ended up on Y/N’s forehead and it landed us both in the principal’s office.

[00:11:44]

YHM: Jungkook!

JJK: I know, I know. I felt horrible about it. But I don’t regret anything about what happened that day. Without that spitball, I don’t think I would be lucky enough to talk to that amazing girl.

[00:12:30]

YHM: She must’ve been special to you.

JJK: She is.

[00:12:37]

YHM: Were you in love with her?

JJK: Yes, I’m in love with her.

YHM: You were, or you still are?

JJK: I never stopped loving her.

YHM: Then why did you break up?

JJK: I became famous.

[00:13:02]

YHM: Can you elaborate on that?

JJK: I used to be a guy who just liked to sing, but for some reason, I became famous. I felt like I only had time to blink before I was amassing this enormous amount of popularity that seemingly came out of nowhere. There’s nothing that could’ve prepared me for fame. Nothing.

[00:13:39]

JJK: At one point, the interviews and the concerts and the paparazzi were blinding me with their bright lights and all I could think was, ‘How much more famous could I become?’. At one point, I began to trade my time with Y/N for time on that damn stage.

[00:14:03]

JJK: I was placing my career before her. I was pushing her away from me, and I didn’t do anything about it.

[00:14:09]

JJK: It took me way too much time to realize that. The moment I registered that in my brain, I knew that Y/N deserved someone who made her a priority, who gave her the love and attention that she was entitled to, who didn’t hurt her like I did.

[00:14:19]

JJK: I couldn’t do that for her. I can’t do that for her. So I let her go. It was hard. It was so fucking hard for me to do.

[00:14:28]

YHM: Jungkook, I’d like to ask you one last question.

JJK: Yes, what is it?

YHM: Is there anything left that you would like to say?

JJK: Yes. Yes, I do.

YHM: Go ahead.

[00:14:59]

JJK: First, I need to apologize to my fans. I feel horrible for not being honest to you guys about my relationship; you trust me purely without asking for anything in return and I’ve recklessly broken that trust. I understand if you’re still unwilling to give me your support, but from now on, I promise that you will only hear utmost honesty from me.

[00:15:25]

JJK: But, I think the person that needs to hear my apology the most is the person I’ve hurt the most— Y/N.

[00:15:28]

JJK: I hope you’re watching this.

[00:15:31]

JJK: There aren’t enough words that can completely communicate to you how sorry I am. Maybe there are no words that can justify what I did to you. I didn’t do enough for you to stay by my side. I don’t think I ever deserved love from someone as perfect as you, and honestly, I don’t think I ever will.

[00:15:58]

JJK: I realize how desperate this will sound or how much this will sound like a lie but I could never lie to you, so trust me when I say that I’m still in love with you. I’m still in love with your eyes and how they glimmer like diamonds in the sky. I’m still in love with your smile and how it crinkles the edges of your eyes when you see a little puppy. I’m still in love with your hands and how I never want to let them go because they fit so perfectly in mine. Y/N, I’m still in love with everything about you and no amount of distance or separation can change that.

[00:16:22]

JJK: I’ve learned two things from all of this in the time we’ve spent apart. I know now that being famous is like dying. Death is relentless, and so is fame. It just takes and it takes and it takes and it took you away from me and I let it and I hate that I let you go so easily and I hate being famous.

[00:16:41]

JJK: I would take all of this fame away if it meant getting back to you.

[00:16:47]

JJK: I also know that I can only stand so much space between us, that I can only miss you so much. Now more than ever I’ve realized how much I need someone as important as you in my life. Loving you is the only thing I know I want to do for the rest of my life.

[00:17:00]

JJK: I’ve lost you once. I know now that I can never lose you again.

[00:17:05]

JJK: Y/N, I want you back. I want to love you again. Please, let me love you again.

[00:17:39]

YHM: It… it looks like we’re running out of time. Jungkook, thank you again for joining me. Is there any other words you would like to say to close off this first segment of our show?

[00:17:59]

YHM: Jungkook?

[00:18:01]

YHM: A—alright, then. Everyone in the audience will be receiving Jungkook’s album, Euphoria, which is available on all music platforms and on sale right now. Once again, this has been Jeon Jungkook, and we’ll be right back after this quick commercial break.