#some stream of consciousness stuff

[petulant-plants]

I feel like a see a lot of speculation about ‘the Sun King and The Lady are the real bad guys of the story’ and ‘maybe Sarcean wasn’t so bad after all’ kind of stuff…

And I think there is definitely more going on between them that makes the story less light vs dark, black vs white. But I also think that the overall story kind of plays with nature vs. nurture (or circumstance) and that in one context someone can do “evil” and in another do “good”. I don’t think it’s bad thing if Sarcean was a bad guy who did bad things, like making and using the collar, like killing all those people. Of course I believe it’s more nuanced than a black and white, light and dark, good and bad. But just because there’s nuance doesn’t mean the rolls flip and that secretly the whole time the light were the real bad guys and the dark was fighting the good fight.

I feel like if that is the case then it might neglect all the inner turmoil the characters have had to go through to try and understand their rolls in this new old world. If Sarcean maybe actually had a point and was doing the right thing, then Will’s battle with himself and his desires doesn’t mean as much because he’s not actually fighting any dark impulses

[ilkkawhat]

[wavesoutbeingtossed]

Screaming from the crypt (or how the past haunts the present on Midnights)

I know it's been discussed so much since Midnights came out but just.

I love how there is such a clear narrative throughout the album (and perhaps especially on the 3am/Vault tracks). About questioning and regret and choices and coming to terms with all of it. It is one long story about how we're all a mosaic of the choices we make, each one taking something from us and leaving something else in its place.

(And now a disclaimer: I'm looking at this mostly through a narrator/subject lens, and trying not to dive too deeply into real-life events or speculation except for in a general sense. For this purpose I like to look at the body of work as art, like literature, because I find it makes it easier to see the common threads in the different songs and cohesion in the narrative.)

In looking at the 3am+ tracks in particular, it's fascinating how some turns of phrases or themes repeat themselves in different songs, in different contexts. (I'm only focusing on the non-standard tracks because there are too many songs and I'd be here all day but I bet I could do a part two lol.) I know many people have pointed out the parallels throughout her discography already and I’m not saying anything groundbreaking by writing this, but I love how these parallels run through in the same album, because it makes it seem like it's one long story, or at least, one long rumination on many different stories that are coalescing into a single narrative.

Battle (let’s go)

For instance, the one that jumped out at me when I started writing this post the other week was, "Tore your banners down, took the battle underground," in The Great War and "If clarity's in death, then why won't this die? Years of tearing down our banners, you and I," in Would've, Could've Should've. It's a story about staying stuck in the same cycle of reliving trauma and coping mechanisms and bad habits over and over again and fantasizing about how taking the “antagonist” out and gaining the upper hand for good would bring closure (WCS), but the truth is that nothing ever will. All that cycle does, though, is repeat itself in other situations, and in this case pushes someone away the narrator cares for (TGW). The difference is that the imagined battle in WCS is a two-way street in her mind (that is ultimately unwinnable because it was never a fair fight), but in TGW it's one-sided -- she's the one fighting dirty, taking shots, the way she'd been doing in her imagination (or nightmares) all these years. But the person in front of her isn't fighting back the way the person in her mind in WCS would, because their intentions are honourable instead of exploitative.

And that's paralleled in another pair of lyrics from the two songs, "And maybe it's the past talking, screaming from the crypt, telling me to punish you for things you never did," (in TGW) and "The tomb won't close, I fight with you in my sleep," (in WCS). In both cases, the funeral imagery makes it seem like this past event should be dead and buried in WCS, but it keeps rising from the dead, haunting her no matter what she does and in TGW, another (or perhaps the same?) tomb that won't close keeps unleashing new ways to hurt her and in turn the new person in her life. In other words, the trauma from the past continues to bleed into the present.

(Again from a literary point of view, I'm not saying the events of the two songs are linked IRL, but they're fascinating textual parallels on the album as a string of chapters, which is why Dear Reader is so compelling, but that's a whole other essay.)

To keep the battle motif going, there’s yet another parallel, this time between TGW’s "[You were a] soldier down on that icy ground, looked up at me with honor and truth," and You’re Losing Me’s "All I did was bleed as I tried to be the bravest soldier, fighting in only your army.” In the former, the subject is laying down his armour in the war she’s projecting onto him, waving the white flag, and she realizes that she’s about to destroy something if she doesn’t put her sword down too. By the time we get to YLM, the roles are almost reversed; at the very least they’re supposed to be on the same team, but in this case she’s doing all the heavy lifting, fighting for their relationship in contrast to his apathy killing it. It’s also pretty interesting (if not outright intentional) that one of the 3am+ editions of the albums starts with The Great War, where they find themselves in conflict (even if it’s in her head) that ends in a truce, and ends with You’re Losing Me signalling the end of the relationship, evidence that the resolution in the first song wasn’t an ending but merely a ceasefire before the last battle.

Putting the rest under a cut because this is waaaaay too long now ⤵️

(There’s also another metaphor there in The Great War with its battle imagery: World War I, aka The Great War, was supposed to be the war to end all wars, because loss on its scale was never seen before and when it ended, most thought never again would the world embroil itself in such battle, the horrors and implications were so devastating. Two decades later, the world found itself in WWII, with an even larger scope and more horrific consequences, the intervening time between the two a period of festering conflicts and resentment leading to some of the worst acts the world would see. Bringing real life into it for a second, there’s something a little poetic, though sad, about The Great War the song being about a fight that could have ended the relationship that they ultimately resolved and was meant to be evidence of the strength of their love, but so too did it end up being a period of détente, the greater battle coming for them years later. But that is not the point of this post.)

If one thing had been different

Another major theme in these editions is pondering the "what ifs?" of life, but I think it takes on even more significance in the broader context of the album in the lyrics of "I'm never gonna meet what could've been, would've been, should've been you," in Bigger than the Whole Sky and the repetition of would've/could've in Would've, Could've, Should've (I would've looked away at the first glance, I would've stayed on my knees, I would've gone along with the righteous, I could've gone on as I was, would've could've should've if I'd only played it safe, etc.) In both songs, the narrator is mourning an alternate course their life could have taken* and questioning what they could have done differently, in the aftermath of trauma and loss, and the regret that comes with that loss, and with the loss of agency in the situation because ultimately it was never in their hands. In an album full of questions, wondering about the path not taken, or the forks in the road that have led to a different version of your life, it's digging deeper into the contrast of choice vs. fate, action vs. reaction, dwelling on the past vs. moving on. When you're supposed to let go of the past, what do you do when it is holding your future hostage?

(*I know there are different interpretations/speculation about BTTWS which I am not getting into on main. I'm just saying that whatever the song is about, it's grieving something that never came to be. The literal origin of the song is less important to the album than the sense of loss it portrays. Whatever the inspiration is, it's crafted to tell part of the story of Midnights of ruminating over how, to borrow from her previous work, if one thing had been different, would everything be different?)

(Also I was today years old when I realized that the words are inverted in the two songs. Apparently I've been hearing BTTWS wrong this whole time.)

There's also an interesting tangent in the role of faith in both songs: in WCS, the events of the story cause her to lose her faith (e.g. "All I used to do was pray," "you're a crisis of my faith,") and question all the things she felt had been unquestionable until that point in her life (e.g. "I could have gone along with the righteous"), whereas in BTTWS, she questions whether that very lack of faith is to blame for the loss in that song ("did some force take you because I didn't pray? [...] It's not meant to be, so I'll say words I don't believe"). It's like pinpointing the moment her life changed and upended her beliefs (WCS), but as a result then leaving her unmoored in times of crisis because ultimately there's no explanation or comfort to be taken from what she used to hold true before that (BTTWS). The words she once relied upon to guide her have long since lost their meaning, but in times of trouble it leaves her wondering if that faith she once held then lost could have prevented this pain.

(Shoutout to WCS for being Catholic guilt personified lol.)

To keep on with the vaguely faith-y notions, an obvious parallel is the line in Would’ve Could’ve Should’ve about, “I damn sure never would've danced with the devil at nineteen,” and, "When you aim at the devil, make sure you don't miss," in Dear Reader. All of WCS is about her fighting with an antagonist who haunts her, with whom she wholly regrets ever becoming involved. DR could be seen as a reflection on that fall from grace, warning the audience that if you choose to go after the person (or thing) haunting you, make sure you do so clearheaded enough to be decisive. Again, these “devils” may not be related in real life: the IRL devil in DR could be speaking about her naysayers, or Kim*ye, or Scott & Scooter B, etc., meaning not to cross your enemies until you know you can win. But taking real life out of it and looking at it textually, I am intrigued by the link between WCS and DR, so that’s what I’m going with here. And perhaps that’s even the point in a wider sense; there will be multiple “devils” in your life, or threats to your well-being. If you’re going to commit to taking them down — whether it’s an actual person, or the demons inside you that refuse to let you go — make sure you have the right ammo so that they can no longer hurt you. (Of course, one lesson from these experiences is that sometimes you can’t win, and you have to live with the fallout.)

(Sidebar: I know that “dancing with the devil” is a turn of phrase that means being led into temptation and engaging in risky behaviour, as opposed to describing the actual person. Given the religious metaphors in the song, that could very well be/is the intention, particularly when it’s preceded by, “I would have stayed on my knees” as in she would have continued to follow her faith — in whatever sense that means — had she never met this person, which could also be a more eloquent way of saying she would have continued to be live her life in a way that was righteous (even naive) and seen the world in black and white. Either way, it’s a force she wholly rejects. Like I said, multiple devils, same fight.)

Regret comes up too: in WCS, she says, "I regret you all the time," obviously directed at the person who manipulated her and led to her perceived downfall, citing him as the one impulse she wished she'd never followed, because it won't leave her no matter how hard she’s tried. In High Infidelity, she tells the person to, "put on your records and regret me," and on the surface, it’s like she’s turning the tables, painting herself as the one now causing the regret in someone else, the one inflicting the pain this time. Yet the verse preceding it and the lines following it in the chorus depict a partner who is also emotionally manipulative and vindictive like in WCS (“you said I was freeloading, I didn’t know you were keeping count,” “put on your headphones and burn my city,”). It’s not so much that she’s intentionally harming the person (the way the person in WCS does to her), but rather that the venom in the subject’s feelings towards her seeps through; she’s imagining the way he’s going to feel about her when she leaves, hating her just for by being who she is. (There could be another tangent about how in both songs she’s there to be a “token” in a game for both of the men, who play her for their own purposes.) The regret is dripping with disdain. It’s as though she’s picturing how the person is going to hate her for doing what she’s thinking of doing the way she hates the person who first hurt her.

Sadness, unsurprisingly, shows up in a few lyrics. In BTTWS, “Everything I touch becomes sick with sadness,” sets the scene of a person so overcome with grief that it permeates everything around them; they cannot see their way out of it and feel like the fog will never lift. In Hits Different, it’s, “My sadness is contagious,” the result of a breakup where the person’s grief again touches everything and everyone around them, pushing them further in their despair and loneliness. The reason behind the grief in either case may vary, but regardless of the source, the feeling is overpowering and isolating. They may be different chapters in the story, but the devastation is hauntingly familiar. (As is a recurring theme in Midnights as a whole: there are situations and feelings that present themselves at different points in her journey and colour in the lines in different ways along the road. Like revisiting an old vice and realizing the hit isn’t quite the same as it was in the past.)

Death by a thousand cuts

She also writes about wounds on this album, which isn't surprising I suppose given that the whole conceit is that these are things that have kept her up at night over the years. WCS is perhaps the driving narrative on this never ending hurt when she sings, “The wound won't close, I keep on waiting for a sign, I regret you all the time,” suggesting that no matter what she does, the pain of this experience has permeated everything she’s done afterwards. (Not unlike the overwhelming grief in BTTWS, for instance.) Elsewhere, in High Infidelity she sings, "Lock broken, slur spoken, wound open, game token," and in Hits Different, "Make it make some sense why the wound is still bleeding.” Again I'm not suggesting they're about the same events; the line in HI is about a situation where a partner crosses a boundary, hits below the belt, picks at an insecurity (or creates a new one) and treats the relationship like it's transactional, opening the floodgates in turn. In HD, the wound seems to be more self-inflicted, where she's pushed the person away. (Over a situation real or imagined she feels she needs distance from.) But again, something has picked at her like a raw nerve, and just like in the past, she's hurting, even in a different time and place and person. Almost like the wounds of the past break open over and over again to create new scars. If one were to extrapolate further, it wouldn’t be the biggest leap to wonder if the wound open in WCS, then torn apart in HI makes the one in HD hurt even more.

(I once wrote a post about how I think as time goes on, WCS is going to turn into one of those songs that will be found to drive so much of her work, because it’s just… kind of the unsaid thesis statement of so much of her songwriting.)

Another repeated theme is that of the empty home and loneliness. In High Infidelity, she sings, "At the house lonely, good money I'd pay if you just know me, seemed like the right thing at the time," painting a picture of someone who may have everything they'd want to the outside world, but in reality feels metaphorically trapped in their home (or at least alone amidst abundance), a symbol of a relationship gone sour and a failure to build connection. She just wants someone to understand her, want her for her, but as she's written earlier in the song, she's just a pawn in the game, a trophy from the hunt. Home, in this case, is lonely, isolated, an emblem of her fears. In Dear Reader, she continues this thread, then singing, "You wouldn't take my word for it if you knew who was talking, if you knew where I was walking, to a house not a home, all alone 'cause nobody's there, where I pace in my pen and my friends found friends who care, no one sees you lose when you're playing solitaire." It's the same idea, admitting to listeners that the gilded cage she lived in kept her distanced from her loved ones and real connection, keeping her struggles close to the vest but feeling desperately lonely amidst her crowning success. She's pushed people away and it may have felt like the right thing at the time, but in the end maybe felt like she was trapped. And when you push people away, eventually they take you at your word and stop pushing back; you’re a victim of your own success at isolating yourself. What starts out of self-preservation then further perpetuates the underlying problems.

(There's another interesting link about "home" also feeling unsafe with HI's "Your picket fence is sharp as knives," which further leads into the theme of marriage/domesticity feeling dangerous, which is a whole other thing I won't get into here because it's another discussion and may derail this already gargantuan word salad.)

In a slightly similar vein, we have the metaphor of bad weather for a rocky road or unstable relationship, in High Infidelity again with, "Storm coming, good husband, bad omen, dragged my feet right down the aisle" and You’re Losing Me’s "every morning I glared at you with storms in my eyes.” They aren’t speaking of the same situation or even same kind of breakdown, but it is pretty interesting how the idea of clouds/storms/floods/etc. play such a role in Taylor’s music to signal depression, apprehension, fear, uncertainty, etc. In HI, I think the “storm” coming is the looming threat of commitment to a partner who makes the narrator uneasy (if not fearful). In this case, the idea of making a life with this person is not one that incites joy or comfort, but instead makes the narrator feel that dark times are ahead if she continues down this path. Perhaps in some way, the “storms” in YLM have made good on the threat in HI in a different way; it’s a different home, a different relationship, but the clouds have settled in regardless, and some of her fears have come to fruition in ways she did not expect. The person she once trusted no longer sees her or her struggles (or worse, doesn’t care), and the resentment and pain build with each passing day.

Coming back to heartbreak, one of the obvious "full circle" moments is the beginning of a relationship in Paris, where she says that, "I'm so in love that I might stop breathing," clearly enthralled in a new love that allows her to shut the world out and grow in private, capturing the all-encompassing nature of the relationship. This infatuation has consumed her in the most wonderful way (in contrast to the sorrow of some of the previous songs), and it feels like a life-altering (or even life-sustaining?) force that is so strong she may forget what it’s like to breathe. (Metaphorically speaking, of course.) By the end of the album, though, in You're Losing Me, that heart-stopping love has become a threat: "my heart won't start anymore for you." In the former, her racing heart is full of excitement, but by the latter, her heart has given out completely under the weight of the pain she bears. (YLM is full of death/illness imagery which I already wrote about awhile ago so I won't hear, but needless to say that song deserves its own essay for so many reasons.) She's gone from the unbridled joy of the beginnings of a relationship to the unrelenting sorrow of its end, two sides of the same coin.

Love as death appears elsewhere in the music too, for instance, in High Infidelity’s, “You know there's many different ways that you can kill the one you love, the slowest way is never loving them enough" and You’re Losing Me’s “How can you say that you love someone you can't tell is dying? […] My face was gray, but you wouldn't admit that we were sick.” Though not completely analogous situations, they both tell the tale of one partner’s apathy (or at least denial) destroying the other. In the former, the partner’s actions (or inaction) are more insidious, if not sinister; in the latter, the lack of momentum (or admission of a problem) is passive. In both cases, the end result is the narrator’s demise; it’s a drawn out affair that chips away at her morale and her health and her sense of self. (Breaking my own rule about bringing in alleged actual events into the discussion, but the idea that the relationship in High Infidelity, which was obviously fraught with unease and even fear, ended in a similarly excruciatingly slow and hurtful death by a thousand cuts as the relationship in You’re Losing Me almost did at that time must have been so painful. It almost feels like YLM is wondering why what used to be a source of light in her life was mirroring a situation that caused her such pain in the past.)

From the same little breaks in your soul

I said early on that part of what is so compelling about Midnights is that it feels like an album about ruminating — on choices, on events, on people — and the two final “bonus” tracks of the album depict that as well. In Hits Different, she sings that, “they say if it’s right, you know,” an ode to the confusion of a breakup and struggling with the aftermath of calling it quits. It’s a line that has always intrigued me, because the typical use of the phrase is in the sense of, “you’ll know when you meet the one,” but here it seems to have a double meaning, a reassurance perhaps from the friends (who later on tell her that "love is a lie") that she’ll know if she’s made the right decision in calling it off, but could also be her wondering if the relationship is right, she’ll know, and want to reconcile. In the final bonus track, You’re Losing Me, she sings, “now I just sit in the dark and wonder if it’s time,” this time leaving no doubt about the dilemma she faces, though it’s no less fraught. She’s wondering, perhaps for the last time, if now is finally the moment to end the relationship for good. They say that if it’s right she’ll know, and now she’s wondering if that feeling inside her (that once told her her partner was the one, which is why it hit differently), is telling her that it’s time to go for good. Wait Alexa play “It’s Time To Go.” These are not only the things that keep her up at night, but the things that play over in her mind like a film reel in her waking hours.

Midnights as a whole is a deeply personal album, as is most of Taylor's work, but the 3am+ edition tracks seem to dig even deeper to a lot of the issues raised on the standard album. Almost like the standard tracks are the things she wonders about on sleepless nights, but the bonus tracks are the things that haunt her in the aftermath. The regret, anger, sadness, grief, relief, even joy— they’re the price she pays for the memories she keeps reliving. Midnights might be the most cohesive narrative of all her albums, and really does feel like we’re watching someone work through her journal over time, stopping short of outright naming those giant fears and intrusive thoughts (except for when she does) but making them plain as day when you connect the songs together, and perhaps never more clearly than in the expanded album. It’s incredible how the songs stand on their own to relay a specific moment in time, but that they are also self-referential to each other (whether thematically or overtly) to weave a larger web over the entire work. We’re so lucky as fans to have these stories and to keep peeling back these layers as time passes. (And my literature-analysis-loving ass loves her even more for it.)

This is obviously by no means an exhaustive list, and I know there are more parallels and probably even stronger links (particularly when you add the standard version into the mix), but these were the ones that particularly struck me and I’m just glad I’ve had a chance to sit with this and think it through. ❤️

[zolo-san]

been doing research all morning on dung beetles like a little creature™ for my university AU because even tho I know literally no one is going to fact check me about Luffy's research internship I'm legally required (by me) to be as accurate as possible lol

this is what I get for being such a research oriented writer~

I based the idea of his internship off of a field research internship that my ex in college had and I really wish I had retained more from back when he used to info dump at me I at least wish I remembered enough to find the research paper from the study he specifically worked on, but I did manage to find one that was pretty interesting and used a lot of the same methods

but tell me how I just spent hours (yes I'm currently at work not doing work lol) reading multiple research papers on different studies that have been conducted on dung beetles in my home state in the past 10 years? what is wrong with me dude???? why am I like this???

I did find some source books that were continuously cited in multiple research papers as the sort of quintessential identification keys for beetles for my region (and I'm just going to base everything off my own region and state so any entomologists would probably be able to figure out where I'm from lol) so now I know some text books and reference books that Luffy would probably have..........not that that information is ever going to show up in the fic or that anyone cares BUT I know it now 😂

then I fell down a rabbit hole about creating terrariums (well technically they're vivariums) for beetles, specifically including dung beetles because in my AU Luffy keeps several terrariums and at one point I'm going to have to write him constructing one for a dung beetle but now I need some more specific answers and idk how to get them and I'm highly considering asking over on r/entomology because I NEED TO KNOW also also, why is it that the longer I watch people build terrariums for beetles, the more endearing I'm finding the beetles? like they're just little guys minding there own business walkin around with they little feets~ like why are they cute wtf????

anyways... so that's what I've been doing with my morning lol

[iamtechnos-world]

The Night You Met the Serpent King

In which the reader, visiting an ancient lair, gets to meet a mysterious striga known as the Serpent King

TW: Mentions of Snakes

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's the hissing that gets to you first, the sound of hundreds of serpents beneath the ground. As you cross the stone floor, the air grows chill, slithering around you.

Ahead, an archway reveals a stunning underground garden. Trees bloom, glowing purple flowers beneath a starry sigil-painted sky. A waterfall pours crimson fluid into a bowl shaped like a stone python. Your footsteps crunch on the gravel. Endless hissing almost sounds like whispers now. Albino snakes are everywhere: draped over branches, curling through the grass, their beady black eyes always watching. Their forked tongues flicker as you pass by.

You take a right turn and see, unexpectedly, a figure clad in black, leaning back on a stone recliner. Over his broad shoulders, a large pale python with red patterning lies protectively. It raises its head, gazing suspiciously at you.

"Welcome," he whispers, his voice soft and cold. "I've been waiting."

His violet eyes sparkle as he shifts, long white hair flowing. A cruel red smirk slips across his serpentine face. "You took too long."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wrote this kinda late in the night, stream of consciousness style.

Let me know what you think! Pacing, description, anything like that.

Stay tuned for more, and thanks for reading :)

[spurgie-cousin]

Everything since Halloween has been weird tbh. Halloween itself was weird: it was almost 77° in upstate NY, usually unheard of here.

We canceled our big Christmas eve family function purely because of the election and this is the most relaxed “weekend before Christmas” I’ve had in over 10 years. We downsized the food, we don’t have to deep clean and make it look like nobody lives here, I’ve had time to focus on my own things and not “when are we cooking when are we baking when are we-“. It sucks that we won’t have some of our usual traditions happening because nobody will be here, but I also won’t miss the stress of making sure the night goes off without a hitch and saying “that didn’t feel like Christmas” by the 26th like I usually do

Canceling Christmas because of the election is so real of you lol, and yea I know *exactly* what you mean.

My husband and I are from the same home town, and both of our parents are divorced, so every Christmas is just a whirlwind of trying to squeeze in time to hangout with each of our parents, siblings, remaining grandparents and other family, and hopefully friends (not usually time though) so when one of our big get togethers got canceled randomly I felt guilty but I was sooooo relieved lol. Not even because I don't enjoy those gatherings, just the idea of more time not running around like chickens with no heads just sounds so blissful. It's bittersweet like you mentioned, but still kinda nice. And also like you mentioned, the day after Christmas I can't help but feel like it didn't even happen because I was so focused on making sure everything goes "right" it's hard to be in the moment. I wish I knew how to mitigate that feeling but it's so hard, especially when you're hosting like you traditionally do, it's so hard not to put all the focus on everyone else.

Halloween was also weird for me, which almost made me worried about myself lol because it's my birthday and favorite holiday and usually I do more decorating than I do for Christmas but this year I just....... didn't. It's been a weird and chaotic year, and I feel like a particularly hard one for almost everyone I know (including me), and of course in America the election certainly didn't help the weirdness.

But the weirdness doesn't feel wholly bad, even though bad things have happened, I can't get over the sense that this year has been a transition period on many levels, and the end of it has felt liminal almost, like a waiting period between the difficult period and whatever is going to come next. And I wonder if that's why so many of us are just kind of like, I need to catch my breath, I need to prioritize what's actually important and maybe that means I don't have the mental energy to get on my roof and hang lights right now, because we're mentally and physically trying to prepare for whatever is coming, good, bad, whatever. That's kind of how I feel right now.

[ygodmyy20]

Summary:

What if Dimple wasn’t there…and the fire consumed you? OR A stream of consciousness sorta wibbly-wobbly prose on what if Shigeo found his family's bodies in the fire. And Dimple wasn’t there.

I recommend taking a look at these amazing gifs of the roughs of this scene before reading because it really is what got this all started.

It just…hits you so hard. I couldn’t get this out of my head. I just kept thinking about these few seconds between when Shiego sees the bodies and Dimple snapping him out of it.

So enjoy whatever this is that I created.

TW Body Horror in the fanfic, but not the fanart below.

Also drew some art for this. I was...in a place today. It wasn't a great day.

[fartemis-crock]

it's so important to me that everyone knows how touch oriented she is.

the second artemis has positive feelings for someone she's just like--- gotta touch. just a lil bit.

[drowxiv]

I didn't see the emoji ask game on your blog. So I'm just going to drop this "ask" to say your drow/duskwight have been so fun to follow along with. Your wonderful poses aside, I'm getting into playing a drow for the first time in a tabletop game with friends, despite not being very familiar with them (or D&D as a whole). I have used your writings as reference sometimes, when thinking about how my paladin (of course) would act/behave based on drow society.

Thank you for sharing your OCs with us.

I literally fangirl screamed over this, then sent a screenshot to the one IRL friend I gush about OCs with and WE fangirl screamed together. All to say - I REALLY appreciated it!

This also made me feel way better about a small info dump I was drafting for next week.

I'm HYPED to hear you're playing a Drow and I really hope you enjoy it! They CAN be quite tricky depending on their alignment but that's what I find fun about them!

I also answered publicly so I could add two things!

- my ask box and inbox are open for Drow ideas, questions, gushing, etc. I love speculating on how they may react to scenarios based on their alignment, religion, position in society, and ambitions, etc.

- I don't always reblog games! I participate when I can because it spreads joy and I enjoy learning more about OCs, but sometimes when I know I'm gonna be slammed IRL I won't reblog because I can't answer quickly. I've literally got a tab open on my PC to remind me to play with one more mutual tomorrow morning but I've gotta dive into work right after and it's gonna be a really rough day.

If I played an OC ask with you - you're ALWAYS welcome to play/ask the same thing right back at me even if I didn't reblog!

Not reblogging doesn't mean I don't WANT to play - I just don't want anyone to feel like their 'ask' wasn't good enough if I'm too busy to get to it. I've been there and it's a bad feeling wondering if you messed up.

[stargirl-and-potts]

Dammit, i just want Stede to open up about his traumas. It seems like the other characters think he's got it all sorted, but he's gonna explode at some point

He's such fertile ground for fic writers! There are so many things he needs to process. It really hasn't been that long since he left home and even began to understand who he is and could be, and how much better life can get than what he’d had -- I think he's got the time and space now to feel the things he needs to feel, away ashore with Ed. He does strike me as a guy who needs to work things out internally while he's trying a new way of living, and the doing helps him understand -- I think he'll end up dropping unexpected little bits of backstory and self-revelation and regret and adoration on Ed while they're in the middle of fixing stuff, or burning dinner, or sitting on the porch at midnight staring out to sea, and Ed will have to scramble to catch his breath and process the thing while Stede is super calm about it.

[heirloommtomatoes]

"Our three-year-old, Rebecka, is drawing “a map of our island.” She picks up a pencil—the one closest at hand—and just gets a line going. Her attitude, fiercely concentrated, is boundlessly confident, like, “Of course, this is where the line should be, no doubt about it.” She twists the line all over the page with her face frowning. Then, just as abruptly, she lifts the pencil and is done.

In a year or two, she will become self-aware. Her drawings will start to look like childhood kitsch (standardized stick figures, square houses with triangular roofs) and they will stay boring for years, until, as Heinrich von Kleist said, she has walked around the earth and reentered paradise from the backdoor; until she has regained, as an adult, the serious play she has now.

But even that is not enough. I have climbed back into Eden at times, but each morning I wake up outside again. You have to keep climbing in."

A funny thing about curiosity - by Henrik Karlsson

[funshinebf]

i think in order to understand knives trigun you must first recognize that at his core he is a very very scared little kid. and after that everything else sort of clicks into place

i think at a glance it seems sort of ridiculous because he's such an insanely powerful dude that it seems hard to believe he could actually be afraid of anything, especially humans that are so much weaker than him. but in reality the power he's gained for himself was because of his fear all along. he was a young child who saw something very horrible done to someone like him, and he felt betrayed by someone he loved for not preventing it. and he became terrified that it would happen to him too. so he lashes out. he makes himself into the bigger threat, the higher animal on the food chain. he tries to destroy everything and everyone that could betray him and hurt him too.

and i think his obsession with vash is really interesting, because its very clear that it isnt even about vash for who he is as a person, he's become more of a figure to knives. because while knives is so terrified and doesnt want to be hurt, he also doesnt want to be alone. he wants to be cared about and he wants to be understood. and he believes that vash is the only other person in existence who can give that to him. yet again he falls into behavior and thought processes of a scared child, he wants his brother to lay with him and hold his hand and tell him that theyre safe now, that knives did the right thing, that he made sure they would be safe. and i think its incredibly tragic that the comfort he so desperately wants is something that he cant get, neither from vash nor humans. because he would never allow any humans to get that close to him again. and because his fear has blinded him to who vash really is as a person, to the fact that vash could never agree with him and the things he's done. and he's constantly denying any truths he doesnt like, anything that contradicts what he believes to be the only way to truly become safe. he denies the fact that vash's ideals are truly different to his, he acts as though vash is just naive and needs to be shown the truth, or that he's only opposing knives to be petty and childish instead of out of genuine belief and love for humanity. he denies the fact that he cared about rem, that she cared about him, because if one human can be good then that means all of them could, and that means that he's been wrong all along, that he's done horrible things for no real reason. that he's the reason his mother died. that he's the reason vash lost his arm, that vash has been hurt so many times, that so many innocent lives had been taken. he cant handle that reality, he doesnt want to, so he refuses to entertain the thought of it. he lies to himself so thoroughly that he doesnt even realize that he's doing it. it makes me feel sort of insane how absolutely tragic he is

[hum--hallelujah]

it's Crab who does the saving. of course it is, the nurse, the silent, confident, so very calm one of them. the one who loves Benzedrine more than he could ever speak. of course it is. but he's not calm, and he's not confident. he is not the doctor. he's not meant to be. he's always been meant to be the support. that's where he thrives, where he was born to be. of course he would be the nurse. his heart is pounding and he's breathing fast, too fast, and sweating, he can feel it. he's terrified that he's wrong, that he's going to be wrong, that he's going to do something wrong and kill Benze instead of save him. he can't get the moment out of his head. the split second, not ten minutes ago, walking into the station and Benze on a chair, slumped over the table, unresponsive. he thinks his heart stopped, but it's beating too hard for asystole right now. he knows diagnostics. Benze taught him this. he knows what an overdose looks like not because of books the way Benze learned it but because he's seen it happen before. not often, but when partiers in the Zones get their hands on City drugs, they're prone to taking it too far. this isn't party drugs, though. that isn't Benze. the bottle on the table, empty but for a drop, reads morphine. Crab thinks of this morning, before they'd left for the track. Benze had been down, and hard, with a headache. he said it was normal. he said it was fine. but he hid under a blanket and groaned whenever Sandman or Donnie talked too loud. he'd been in pain. how long has this been happening? how bad has it gotten to warrant this? how desperate must he have been the first time to stop the pain? how hadn't Crab known? he'd sat on the edge of the bed before leaving and kissed Benzedrine's temple. he's morbidly glad for that. fatalistic, but if that's the last interaction they'll ever have had, at least it was that. his hands are shaking when he signs at Sandman and Donnie, either or, whoever has more presence of mind, to find- he doesn't have the time to fingerspell it. Benze's lips are turning blue. he's not responding to- the word is stimuli. the sign is a mimicry of poking someone. so it's Crab who retrieves the medicine, of course it is, of course it's Crab. this vial is labeled kloxxado. Benze called it naloxone when he found it in their inventory the first time. Crab's hands are shaking as he preps a new injection. most things work fastest intravenously. the blood does it. the heart does it. his heart is thumping out of control. his heart is beating just to keep Benze's the same. his best friend doesn't even respond when he sticks the needle into his arm. Benze might be the one who’s dying (he can’t die, Crab won’t let him, of course he won’t, he can’t-) but Crab thinks maybe he’s only alive for Benze. like maybe if Benze dies he will too. like maybe the only thing keeping his heart beating is the fluttering pulse he can feel as he holds onto Benze’s wrist. he feels like he’s gonna pass out but he does all the right things, keeps his best friend alive despite himself because of course he does. he’s the caregiver. he’s the nurse. his heart is beating for this. (his heart is beating for Benze)

[ilovedthestars]

that post went around a little while ago about missing school & convincing yourself you really want to write essays and i'm feeling it a little right now ngl. except for me it's not the essays it's the art. and also you know i am still actually in school so this is really not the same thing at all lol. i am just Thinking about school because i recently got a move in date and it's less than a month away and summer is suddenly Ending.

i'm taking a class next semester called Color. four and a half hours of color theory every week!! for a whole semester!!! color theory and nothing but color theory!! in case it is not clear this sounds incredibly fun to me and i am sincerely hoping it lives up to expectations

i am Yearning for some paint on my fingers. yes i could just paint something right now but that is not the same. possibly i should do it anyway though. but not at 10pm. maybe tomorrow

anyway. i'm not sure why but i am currently feeling weirdly nostalgic for painting tiny squares of paper in a dorm room at a time when i would have preferred to be asleep. i miss going to the art building on the weekend when i can have one of the big classrooms with the huge tall windows all to myself and sit there cutting cardboard with a box cutter and hot gluing it back together for three hours and call that my homework. i miss trying in vain to get charcoal dust completely off my hands in one of the ten million random sinks in the hallway that all have big signs about how you should please not wash mineral spirits down them.

you know it really has been too long since i did art that wasn't digital. i should do some art just for the feel of it. not to make anything just to smear some charcoal around with my fingers or something. maybe do some exercises, but do them like i have to bring them into crit tomorrow and i only have a couple hours this evening and it's our first time with this technique anyway so they don't have to be that good. it would be good to remind myself why i'm doing this art school thing in the first place

[camellia-thea]

finally clearing my works off google docs and onto my ancient version of word and i keep going "oh wow i forgot i wrote that"

[adreamoverlife]

There needs to be a study into why after writing around 5000 words you suddenly hate everything about your fic