#someone needs to tell her that her feelings at 21 were valid

[kvtnisseverdeen]

I think it's definitely my most personal and most vulnerable record yet. And that's saying something, because I feel like I've always gone there before. ... I was thinking the other day about 21 — what was wrong with me? I was taking it that seriously... that was a boyfriend. How the hell did I write that album? Like, you know?

ADELE talks about her album 30

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

hey, this is the same 14 year old from earlier. first, i want to thank you so much for such a well rounded, thoughtful response. i went through all the resources and they were all very helpful. after thinking about it, i think i probably won't do this after all. technically i think i am ready, i understand the possible consequences, i know how to be safe, etc etc, but i'm just kind of anxious. and it might be a better idea to wait to do things like this with someone i actually have romantic feelings towards, because i'll probably enjoy it more then, right? i'm not exactly sure why i agreed to do it in the first place, i guess curiosity or for the sake of formative teenage experiences or literally just "why not" lmao. i do have one more question if that's alright, do you know of a good way to tell her that i don't really want to do this anymore? we haven't set up an actual date and time yet but she's serious about it and i was serious about it but obviously my opinion has changed. i feel kind of guilty about backing out especially because she kinda wanted this as a rebound after breaking up with her girlfriend of like, six years (which means it might be good if we don't do this anyway, this might be an impulsive decision on her part that she ends up regretting).

also one more question (sorry) if you have the time and energy for it. i know there's a lot of people asking you questions haha. how would you get an STI or STD through oral sex? i understand the basics, its spread through genital fluids and gets into your body that way, but how would the symptoms start showing in your own genitals? or would they not and just show up in your mouth or throat? the planned parenthood link kind of talked about that, but it said that it was rare. anyway thank you so much! you've been genuinely so helpful and kind and i appreciate it so much!

hello! welcome back! it's great to hear from you again, and I'm glad that response was helpful. it's awesome that you were able to weigh all the available information to make that decision. you'll have plenty of other opportunities for formative teenage experiences, very few of which have to involve sex at all - I'd be a bad sex witch if I didn't tell you that I didn't have sex with another person for the first time until I was almost 21!

cancelling this plan with your friend might feel awkward, but it doesn't need to be worse than dipping out of any other activity. "hey, I think I changed my mind about wanting to see this movie; I don't really think I'm going to vibe with it. thank you for inviting me, though!" 'I'm actually not feeling up to going to the game, but I hope you can find someone else to go with." "sorry to change our plans, but I think having sex actually isn't something I want to do right now. thanks for being understanding."

this may hurt your friend's feelings; it can often feel extremely personal and hurtful when someone doesn't reciprocate an interest in sex, and feel much worse than someone saying no to other kinds of plans. this may be especially true if you're right about your friend trying to rebound from a previous relationship - six years is a long relationship for anyone, especially someone for whom six years is almost half of their life, and there's a good chance she's still feeling sore from the loss of that relationship and is seeking comfort and validation from another source (you). good on you for being insightful enough to notice this and recognize this! that's an important trait to have, both as a friend and in your future romantic and sexual relationships.

if your friend doesn't take it well when you change your mind, you may need to get a little space from her while her feelings cool off. remember, while you should be kind when you say no - obviously nothing like "I wouldn't want to have sex with you, you're gross and just rebounding" - you're not doing anything wrong at all by changing your mind, and if your friend starts trying to pester you into changing your mind or acting more harshly to you, we've definitely crossed into the territory where she's the asshole. (not that you're the asshole for saying no; nobody is the asshole in that scenario.) if she takes it poorly, it's okay to ask her for some distance and spend less time around her until the hurt feelings are mended.

remember: you don't need to feel guilty for changing your mind. you are always allowed to do that, even if you're in the middle of having sex. you don't owe anyone else access to your body, ever, and anyone who tries to convince you otherwise can go straight into the trash.

and please don't ever feel the need to apologize for asking about STIs, they're one of my favorite things to talk about!

for many STIs that can be transmitted to the mouth, the symptoms will stay in the mouth and/or throat. sometimes that will look like sores or blisters in or around the mouth, which are sometimes painful and ooze discharge and sometimes don't feel like anything at all. it can also feel like an ordinary cold, with a sore throat and some difficulty swallowing. in most cases, the symptoms won't spread to your genitals unless you also contracted the STI there as well - for instance, if you touched your mouth and tongue to an infected partner's genitals and then also touched your genitals to theirs as well. but while the symptoms looks different, the medicines that treat STIs affecting the genitals are just as effective at clearing up infections in the mouth and throat.

I'm super happy to help, and please know you can send in more asks any time :)

[wind-it-up-p21]

PSA this is going to be very long and I would post it on my own blog but I am not ready to talk about this without being anonymous yet since a few of you know who I am in “real life.”

As someone who grew up in a sport very similar to dance and had what seems to be a very similar experience to Dyllan here’s what I have to say (disclaimer my experience obviously was not exactly the same but I will explain how they overlap).

I was a part of a team that was and is still known to be one of the top teams in the country. If you wanted to make a name for yourself in this world my team was one of the places you would go to do that. Girls travel from all over the country to compete with them.

On my said team I was one of the “favorites” though I never thought of myself as one until I got older and I realized it again when I walked away and looked back on my experience and it became more obvious to me.

To start, my coach made it very clear to the rest of our team that me and 3 other girls were “the hardest workers” and that we had special relationships with her. Just to name a few things she did to validate this with me: She told me consistently that she loved me and that I was special, I was one of four students invited to her wedding, and she would put me and the other 3 favorites in groupchats or have meetings with us to basically tell us we needed to lead the team to victory and it fell on us to be the examples for the team. I could go on and on but you probably get the point.

I was apart of this team for the same amount of time that Dyllan spent with Molly. My last year on the team I was in high school and wanted to enjoy my social life as well as competition life. I was dedicated to the team, but I also wanted to maybe you know go to a school football game or two. The minute that my team wasn’t tunnel vision in my eyes my coach started to put such intense amounts of pressure on me, take away “privileges” I had, and threatened what I now realize was my status on the team in order to get me to forget my social life and eat/sleep/breathe our sport and team. She had done this before, but it was now on another level. My mental health was at an all time low and nobody but my parents knew. People would say that because I was one of the team stars there was no way I could possibly feel like a victim in this situation. I felt trapped and didn’t know what to do because this team was my everything and everyone knew how big of a role it played in my life, but I needed to get out.

It has now been many, many years since all of this went down. I have taken time to process what I went through and I still am impacted by the trauma of it all. When I finally decided to walk away after that last year, a ton of my teammates ended up following me. It was an exodus like the one p21 had. Meanwhile, one of the other favorites now works for the organization, but clearly suffers from anger issues and anxiety now. At least one of the other favorites has openly regretted not leaving at the right time.

All in all, everyone is gonna have different experiences on a team like mine or project 21s. However, if it’s a toxic environment for so many people it’s toxic for everyone. Some people may just not realize it. They have drank the kool aid and they’re knee deep in it. We can’t control who stays and who goes, so what we can do is support the girls who are there while continuing to validate the emotions of those who left. If Dyllan and so many other girls were so clearly negatively impacted by Molly and P21 there’s obviously some truth to it. With that being said it doesn’t mean we can’t root for the success of girls like Gracyn and Regan. They’re children, and they’re individuals. They are not the reason so many people have struggled at P21. I have a lot more on my mind regarding our support to them and P21 but I’ll spare you all of it considering this is already a 400 page novel.

This was so interesting to read and I really agree with everything you said! It really puts into perspective how someone might seem really successful at their dance studio or any sport but actually be really struggling mentally

[kandyzee]

What do you think fionas childhood was like 💓

I HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY thanks for asking :pp.

I used to be a reallly big fiona fan, so I've thought about this a lot.

I imagine fionas upbringing was similar to Debbie's in alot of ways. They both find themselves in problematic relationships, forced to look after their siblings.

Fiona is mentioned to have a LONG sexual history as early as s1, where she's only 21. Given the lack of attention and validation she was getting, I think fiona has been having sex since she was a child. She probably fell into the "mature for her age" group. Her parents were neglecting her, possibly physically abusing her (we've seen Frank hit his kids in the show), and she wasn't able to get academic validation because she had to drop out. It wouldn't surprise me that this led her into having older bfs and stuff like that.

This makes even more sense to me given how she reacts to her siblins minor /adult relationships. Fiona didn't have anyone to tell her that her relationships were wrong, so when she saw her siblings going through the same thing, she saw nothing wrong with it. Like when she says that ned and Ian is "just sex"

We also see that she , like Debbie and a lot of the other female characters, is scared of abandonment. She tells Jimmy Steve that everybody leaves and keeps going back to Jimmy even though she knows he's bad for her because she's desperate for someone to stay. She rushes into relationships, remember when she married someone after like a week of daiting ?? Fiona has a hard time accepting love even though she craves it. She cheats and ruins one of her most stable relationships. I think that all comes from the way she was treated in her romantic relationships as a child. Of course, a lot of her abandonment fear comes from Monica, too.

Okay moving away from guys.

We know fiona ran track in school and that she was really fucking good at it. This was probably one of the most stable things in her life, an activity away from her siblings and the stress of home. Running is a good way to feel in control. I think fiona developed problems around running ? I'm not sure what exactly you would call it. Fiona would push herself too hard on the track so that she was responsible for the aches she felt instead of them being stressed. I can also imagine having an ED around this time. Her siblings are young, so they're struggling even more with money than normal. She starts to skip meals, and eventually, she finds control in what she eats when she's forced away from track.

I imagine fiona to be relatively popular in school, mainly with guys, but she struggles to keep real outside of school friendships. This changes when she meets Kev and V. I think they probably met after she dropped out of school. V is like 23, I think, in the first season and Kevin 25 ish ? I'm not really that sure, but we know fiona didn't go to school with them. Kevin and V helped fiona a lot, and she definitely needed them. They started to help her with the kids, and for once, she had people on her side. Things get better for her when she meets them.

Baby fiona (5-12) was definitely the in ur face demanding respect, kinda kid. She was sassy and always trying to seem as strong as possible. She will haggle prices for anything and isn't afraid to scam and cheat to get what she needs for her family. But I also imagine her being good at acting sweet. She's a great sweet talker. This is a prominent trait Ian has, and I think he got it from his big sister.

Teens, she's all about drama. Boy drama petty teen girl drama, watching reality TV when she can and stealing gossip magazines. I think she latches onto the typical teen girl image hard. She definitely has a short phase of always getting dress coded. I don't think this lasts that look tho.

Same as in the show, she's always got a new job, sometimes working 2 or 3. She's stressed ofc but learns a lot. She has little hacks and tricks for almost any job. She's resistant in the way she will do anything. Nothing is too dirty or hard for her.

Her relationship with Frank is complex. Fionas Frank's favourite, but she's also the oldest and likely the one he takes his anger out on most. When ur someone's favourite, it hurts them even more when they feel you messed up. I don't think Frank was consistent with his abuse, but it was definitely there. Frank was a 'good' dad sometimes. Fiona gets to know Frank when his alcoholism and drug use wasn't at its peak (He gradually gets worse with age) So fiona got more good dad moments but also felt the disappointment harder as she watched him get worse.

Fiona tells lip (pretty sure it's him) that he's always been Monica's favourite in s1, and I think she has always thought that. Later on in the show, u obviously see Ian and debbie are monicas favourites, tho. I don't see Monica and fiona ever being particularly close. Fiona was hit hard when Monica leaves for the first time, Frank's a mess, and now she has the unfortunate job of explaining that she's gone to her siblings. Unlike her younger siblings, who are probably too young to fully understand what's going on, fiona feels the abandonment full force.

Fiona is 4 / 5 yrs older than lip, right? (Their ages confuse me so bad) so she I'm guessing she was always in a different school than him. Correct me if I'm wrong, but if he's in elementary school, she's in high school. Fiona has to miss school to run all over the place and collect her siblings from different places. She might have to be the one to unroll her siblings in school, too, a couple times.

Finally just some random things

She has a purple flip phone at one point that she's super protective of

She loves family movie nights and would try to do as many as possible.

She cried when Debbie was born cause she was so excited to have a sister.

Similarly she cried when Ian was born cause he was a boy and she wanted a sister.

She really wanted a pet when she was young

She has 100s of diary's from yrs and yrs of writing in them (we see Carl read one)

Would always struggle with her hair cause it's curly and v helps her learn how to style it even tho she hardly does

She's the kind of person who finds comfort in sitting on the floor, in the bathroom, bath tub

Had a pink hating phase

Had a collection of different fake IDs by the time she was 16

Definitely got in at least 1 fight in school cause of boy drama

Hated cooking

ANYWAY I love fiona

[iminyournotis]

I was thinking, "I don't even have any friends to be honest with, or tell my shit to, because everybody seems to have some kind of stake in my personal business," but then I remembered TUMBLR EXISTEDDD, so here I am.

1. Ended up snooping on my NINETEEN year old coworker last night because he skipped out on BK with me after work, and I got UNREASONABLY possessive, noticing that he was talking to the new girl at work, and I thought no WAY he's fucking her... She just started. (And he made a WHOOOLE thing to me abt how he doesn't want to hook up-- he just wants to find someone he loves and 'make love'. ((I was all, 'You're completely valid.' and then look at the camera like I'm in The Office then do the finger loop crazy sign at my head's temple, crossing my eyes. LOL.))) So I pulled back up after I finished getting BK alone because I was salty as hell and overly curious, and they were still there an hour and ten after close... I honestly scared them and embarrassed myself and I tore off.

2. Went to the gas station beforehand, because I had started smoking cigarettes again like a day or two ago, because I've been stressed about having Seb cock block his brother from me (and potentially for me. It's complicated.) and it lowkey feels like Caleb ALLLL over again, and it's making me lose my mind, so I'm back to stressedly chuffing.

Went to buy a pack, and this dude hollered in the gas station. I hollered back.

We were talking, I give him my phone number, I told him I'm willing to hook up, he's like 'alright, cool... Maybe pick me up later cause I need a whip,' I'm like, 'Okay.' Cue Burger King and checking where I shouldn't.

3. Go back to my parents' house and dude texts me asking if I was trying to link up... It's late, I tell him yeah anyway. I have work at 8:30, and it's already 11 or midnight by the time we're messaging each other. I end up pulling up to this bar I've never been to around midnight, and I end up taking him and his friend to get blazed out in a parking lot somewhere. Dude I was gonna hook up with doesn't smoke za, but his friend does. I get high and immediately get scared, because now I'm OVI, and I have two young Black men in my vehicle with me, and I get scared that some awful shit was fixing to happen, so I go, 'I'M GETTING YOU BOTH HOME SAFELY. I'm not pulling out until our seat belts are fastened, etc.' Went full mom mode. (Also, at this point, the young man I was with was 22, and his friend was 21. They thought I was younger than even them, which was hilarious. So another predatory woman moment for Mama.)

Drop 21 off. Go to drop 22 off next, but he takes me to this outfield out the way... We park, talk some; he hits it and as he's getting out of the backseat, I go, "Wait, did you finish?" He very non-chalantly said "Yeah," as he's putting his pants back on. I go, "... Did you cum inside me?" He responds pretty deadpan "Yeah." I'M LIKE "WHAT? Did you even plan on telling me???" He goes, "I mean, yeah." I was stunned. He's like, "I mean, you can take a Plan B if you don't feel safe." NFJSJFHJDN I was losing my mind. NOT the fucking point. He's like "Are you mad at me?" I'm like, "TO be honest, yeah."

I drive him back home, he forgets something in my car, I pull back around, he's tryna get me to stay at his mom's house with him for the night (which he pays rent at), I say no. I drive off. He goes, 'Actually, I forgot my hat, too.' I was like 10 minutes down the road and closer to home by the time I saw this message, so I'm like 'Man, I'm keeping it now. Sorry.' He's like, 'alright it's fine. lol.'

End scene. Oh, actually not, because by the time I get back into my city/town, it's like 3:30 AM. I didn't even wash my clothes, I still needed to shower, I haven't really been eating for the last week, so I thought, 'Fuck it. I'm calling off.'

Haven't called off a single time since starting, even through this lowkey nasty cold I had a few weeks ago. So my manager, who I'm WAY too involved with, was like 'wtf?? You're just not coming in?' I'm like yeah. She's like "What's your reason." All investigative. I'm like "Not been eating well. It's for my health." She goes, "Get well." I'm such a fucking loser.

So then I woke up like an hour ago at three PM, and here I am. ❤️ What the fuck is going on with my life, though.

[streaminn]

If no one is going to talk abt streamer Wednesday au then I guess I’ll just have to do it myself (I have a questions) (and scenario) (yes I searched up the tag to have more things to say) (not much wenclair tho)

What did Wednesday do after the massive ban (who’s her moderator btw ? Eugene ?) ? Like, did she just stare in disappointment at chat ? Told them that Enid is really important to her ? Had a talk with them abt Outcasts discrimination ?

Wait are there any Outcasts in the chat ? How did they react to the rest of chat’s fear ? Did some of them agreed (those who are not werewolves) ?

(A bit unrelated but I have this little idea in my head that Outcasts can lowkey sense when someone else is an Outcast (reason why Wednesday trusted (? I need to rewatch the show) Tyler that quickly) but it’s not like « Oh ! This guy’s an Outcast ! » it’s more like « There’s something about this guy »)

What about Enid ? How did she react ? Did Wednesday even told her ? Or did she saw it somewhere ? (does this Enid watches Wednesday’s streams ? Like the replays or whatever idk how Twitch works)

Also, you said that Enid is kinda running herself ragged (does she have any days off ??) bc she feels guilty about letting Wednesday pay the rent, but Wednesday has to notice that, right ? The bags under Enid’s eyes, how tired she sounds, the lack of colors in her hair. What does she do ? Does she wake up one day, looks at Enid being this 🤏 close to passing out and goes ‘you’re taking the week off, I don’t want to deal with a walking corpse again’ ? I feel like it would be kinda in-character. No idea how Enid would react tho

Assuming that Enid went like ‘… okay’ or had a day off, I kinda imagine her inviting Yoko & Co over (in the weekend cause they’re 21 and all (?) go to college (and also so she and Wednesday can have some not-girlfriends quality time together). Wednesday allowed it bc she knows how a pack friends are important to Enid and the wolf promised her that they will just stay in the living-room while Wednesday streams (what’s her schedule ?) or something else. Then, like 15min after they arrived, Yoko opens the door to Wednesday streaming room (I like to imagine that it’s soundproof) with Divina (that she dragged with her) and she just says « Hi shorty ;) » and leaves.

Wednesday just rolls her eyes bc at this point she’s used to it but chat, after seeing Yoko’s too sharp fangs and Divina’s unnaturally light eyes, explodes. Idk what they’re doing, I haven’t thought that far tbh

And the last thing I have to say is that I headcanon that Wednesday helped a lot for the absolute mess of a cult and blackmail that Morning Song was to Bianca. That’s why they’re friends to me. A little frenemies, there’s still some rivalry, maybe even some tension but they’re friends. If there’s something wrong, like serious wrong, asking the other for help is a valid option (Wednesday still mostly goes to Enid and Bianca to Yoko/Divina but ! The option is here)

Now that I laid the background :

Wednesday’s streaming and Enid’s at work. But are shadows under Wednesday’s door. Some viewers notice and are like ??? but before they can do anything Bianca just opens the door and is like ‘I need you to come with me’.

Now, Wednesday knows her friends allies, it has taken her a lot of time (years) but she learned and studied and them, she knows them. Right now, Bianca may appear calm and collected, or even cold to an outsider, but Wednesday sees that there’s something wrong, serious wrong, so she cuts the stream and goes with her.

Meanwhile, chat just saw some siren barging in, telling -not asking, telling- Wednesday to come with her and Wednesday did. They’re all panicking in the channel’s Discord (if Wednesday has one), like « omg did weds just got sirened??? » « she’s going to get killed !! » « yall i’ve heard stories abt sirens killing and eating people at sea what if they were true ??! » , an exact inch away from calling the police before Wednesday sends a little « I’m fine, stop dramatizing » or whatever

(it’s 1am and most of this hasn’t been reread so if there’s any spelling error, things that I’ve written two times, missing pieces of text or just a general sense of messiness then : sorry lol)

-🦎

Wednesday sighs after the massive ban and continued onward like nothing happened. The fact that she practically killed half her fanbase says alot so the people thatre left behind or trickle in know and are alot more cautious now

yeah definitely! while there are other outcasts in chat, there's smth different abt werewolves yknow? I mean there must be a reason for why they had to be in cages in nevermore

The outcasts are more of the warnjing sort, just hoping their streamer doesn't die to the monster living in her house

(meanwhile Enid is literally having her face cradled by Wednesday while they're both in bed)

Tho idt Enid would watch any of the streams, she respects Wednesday's privacy too much to do so. She does visit the room alot tho, so chat is low key kind of scared and kind of used to the shadow that lingers by the door and the thump of a tail somewhere off screen

Haha.. Totally normal behavior and not a sign of a potential killer in your house Wednesday! I hope you know what you're doing

(Enid's literally happy, her tail is wagging, just how dramatic do they gotta make her out to be 😭)

Don't worry tho, enid goes to work around the time Wednesday starts to stream and comes back by the time it ends so you bet she destresses alot with Wednesday

and she actually has alot of vacation time! The place she works at is pretty generous bc Enid is one of the long lasting employees so it kinda has been saving up. She just works alot bc it's a good distraction and so she can earn for the both of them (not needed but she feels obligated after all the Addams did for her)

As for the pack? You bet Enid is chasing yoko around, they roll around like little kids with Bianca and Divina chatting. They're having fun, good for them

And I totally see Wednesday and Bianca's relationship going how you explaining it!! They're alot more used to each other now but the signs of more and more outcasts being in Wednesday's life is low key giving chat a heart attack

Is aight lizard anon, im surprised people are into this au. Nothing much is coming onto mind but my inspiration here is beastars honestly LMAO

Hope your sleep was nice!

[niko-sasaki-dbd]

1,2,9,21 for asks please :3

First, Thank you for the ask! 🩷 Now, the answers:

1. fave character

This is the hardest question out of the whole ask game, and this is the second time I'm going to answer it, and I'm not really complaining.

Niko is at the top of my list right now—I guess that is really not a surprise—and I think is because she is undoubtedly smart, complex and has many layers as a character, but she's still clear with her emotions and intentions, which only adds to her value as part of the team.

She is empathetic even when the situation is sort of complicated, and is not afraid of expressing herself—being true to who she is—and that's incredible and admiring.

It's also very healing to see, from a neurodivergent perspective.

2. fave episode

The Case of the Two Dead Dragons. I've seen that episode several times, and I love how funny it is and still it manages to show so much about the characters.

The scene in which Crystal confronts Charles remains one of my favorites. It’s so refreshing to see her there, presenting facts to these two boys who have been unable to face their emotions and trauma for decades, because their avoidance has reached a point where it’s detrimental to both their personal well-being and their work; and the situation clearly demonstrates their need to listen to her; otherwise, Charles might easily have doubted Shelby’s account of Brad and Hunter’s actions towards her, and affect the case.

Edwin is dealing with things in his own head too and in that particular moment, the amount of emotions he's going through only make it harder to openly tell Charles what he thinks or address the situation (and he believes in Shelby and what happened to her wholeheartedly, and that's evident even in the way he talks to her), but after what happened with the Night Nurse, Charles is clinging so bad to this external situation to validate himself and that's just human, and yet, fucked up (because he knows what abuse is, he knows what Shelby is saying is probably true, but in that moment, his fears are bigger and they're blinding him, and that's a lot).

Crystal is there to give them perspective, and I just love how that moment and this episode is a turning point for so many situations in the future of the season.

FAVOURITE DIALOGUE:

Okay, I get it, you're sweet guy with a rage problem. You walk around acting like the sun always shines, and then you lost your shit while beating the Night Nurse! Edwin and I are walking on eggshells around you, instead of saying "what the actual fuck!".

9. fave magical being

Curious question. I think that, in this moment, is definitely The Night Nurse, because I don't understand what she is, if not human, or which is the extent of her powers and the origin of her existence.

The vision Crystal has when she tries to see in her mind is quite unsettling, and I wonder if it means what I think it does. She's a complex character,.I hope we could see more of her in the future.

21. something in the show that made you happy

I think that there are many things in the show that made me happy, in a complex way. I mean, I was happy that Lilith listened to Crystal and took Esther away, but that was more close to relief that happiness itself, right?

Probably, if there is something that make me feel a positive emotion more akin to happiness, is Charles' response to Edwin's confession. Just to explain myself, I appreciate the fact he was sincere and caring despite the circumstances. There were a lot of things going through his head in that moment (kudos to Jayden for portraying such a range of emotions in a matter of seconds), yet he remained considerate and comforting, and that already demonstrates the depth of his love for Edwin (I’ll refrain from delving into the nature of that love here).

It takes a lot to be that careful towards someone, even if that someone is a friend. Honestly, the 'my best friend is in love with me' situation is incredibly delicate even when it happens outside hell, and, if handled poorly, can cause significant harm. Speaking from personal experience, I handled it terribly. So, it's refreshing to see a practical guide on how to do it right.

[penny-hartzs]

this is going to be long. i saw ur post about j0sh/rachel and the whole wild “grooming” allegations and i have to say it comes 100% from people shipping rachel with tom and wanting to feel validated by finding a reason to “dislike” her current partner. and we need to have a conversation with twitter’s obsession w white boy x biracial or woc real life shipping.

tom is their white boy of the month. also, if josh was white and a blue eyed conventionally attractive man you’ll see the allegations wouldn’t even exist cuz they would have not problem w the couple. might u, tom is also the same age as josh. i find a bit of racist too but i won’t go there. them just not considering josh attractive enough to be w her so she should be w her white attractive co-star instead.

i’ve been following rachel since 2019 when she was announced as maria in wss because i am a musical girlie and she’s been friends w josh ever since then. 3 years of friendship and 2 years of relationship. rachel is a very friendly. you can tell she befriends people very quickly and isn’t shy about showing that love to friends. the same thing she does w tom now she’s been very vocal to her other friends she holds dear as well. her legit best friend for ages is a man.

those people suddenly being so concerned for rachel want josh to be a ped0 so badly to the point of exaggerating the whole situation. and doing that just shows they want ppl to deliberately hate on josh and ship her w tom. it doesn’t come from a genuine concern. out of all the post i’ve seen wanting to claim she was “gr0omed” they want to make it seem like they started dating during wss when they started dating two years later (late 2021). and i was there to see their friendship to relationship turning point. rachel was 20. both were consenting adults. and josh was also 24/25 not “almost 30” like some say to exaggerate the situation. they have exactly a 5 year age difference. (both born in may).

i feel like so many people see age differences and scream so bad because 21 being the drinking age in the us has twisted their minds. they want to paint rachel as a little girl that had not agency about the relationship she gets in. as if she and her family haven’t been close to him for 3 years prior. i even saw someone say “hope rachel has a good influence in her life that can advice her” girl u dont know those people. why are u making some wild allegations like this. allegations that can ruin someone’s career and entire image. they have been in what it seems to be a really good relationship for 2 years now. rachel’s family is very close with him. and they are very private despite being “public”. they seem to share when it’s needed but keep the relationship mostly to themselves. josh isn’t very active on social media and frankly, i feel like since he is starting his movie career he doesn’t want to be known as “rachel’s bf” cuz people are already calling him nepo bf and that he gets roles only cuz of rachel and he is really talented. and the whole “he doesn’t even support her publicly like tom”. first, tom replied to a post made on his own account about his current co-star. and josh not only isn’t that active on social media but he doesn’t have enough star power yet. they also seem to have two different love languages. rachel is very vocal/physical. he seems more chill. the most important thing is that he was the person with rachel when she was getting mass hated and the fact she even has to clarify (in her 2023 appreciation post) that her bf was there for her is wild cuz people are too chronically online these days and measure love with public postings. and most people didn’t know she was in a relationship until the tgh press tour lmao.

another wild thing i saw from people is saying “they’re in different life stages and that’s weird” well, not really. they’re both in their 20s and embarking in acting together. they both got their first acting job in wss. they’re on the same train and live a life very different from ours.

i get people feeling weird over the fact she was 17 turning 18 when she met him and he was 23. but that doesn’t necessarily meant she was gro0med. not every age different comes from an abusive environment and it’s really weird. and i literally have met people that have been friends for a while and naturally felt in love and have been together for ages. like let’s find ourselves an honest concern to yell about truly.

Thank you for taking the time to write this, you gave me some new perspective on Rachel and Josh's relationship I didn't have and also thanks for sharing your opinion with me!

People on twitter and tiktok shipping women with their male costars is certainly not a new phenomenon but I've been seeing it grow insanely popular these last few years: from Halle Bailey and Jonah Hauer-King, India Amarteifio and Corey Mylchreest, Timothée Chalamet and Zendaya, Rachel Zegler and Tom Blyth and so on and so on. It doesn't matter that most of these people were/are in relationships with others (and are pretty vocal about it), we're still going to see fancams of the co-stars posing on the red carpet together (with a romantic song as the musical background) and tweets about their 'natural chemistry' are going to go viral again and again.

I think it's absolutely fair to talk about racism when stans are rooting for a woman of color to break up with her boyfriend (also a man of color) and get with her white co-star, but the thing is, most of them know it's wrong, so they come up with other reasons to justify the hate towards their fave's partner: Halle Bailey's boyfriend makes it easy for them, but Josh and Rachel seem to keep fairly to themselves so they had to dig deeper. So on the one hand, I think the weird allegations Josh is receiving right now are based on the simple (and idiotic) fact that people want Rachel to be with Tom. On the other hand it opens up a huge topic of conversation about age gaps in couples, and especially in Hollywood. I personally believe that five years apart is a perfectly appropriate age gap between a couple and I have no idea how Rachel and Josh are supposed to be in 'different stages of their life', since they are both upcoming actors, starred in the same successful movie and are in their early and mid twenties. I dont understand why it's even an issue for anyone and tbh I find it disheartening that Rachel has such lovely things to say about him and seems to genuinely love him very much only for her fans to call him a groomer and wish for them to break up. Grooming someone is a serious, dangerous thing and if online users keep using those words for situations like Rachel and Josh, they'll end up losing all meaning. Lastly, I know social media is a huge part of our lives, but I still find it completely stupid to judge anyone's relationship on their instagram and twitter activity. Have we learned nothing from those men who post their wives on their main page while simultaneously sending dick pics to models?

Let's end it with a pic of them, because they're cute and it's almost christmas

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

I don't know if anything is strong enough for a TW but there are brief mentions of drugs and domestic violence. I need advice

There's this girl I really like, A.

I've known her all her life, I even lived with her and her mum for a year in my teens, when I was 14 and she was 7. I didn't like her then, not like that, and honestly, I didn't think about her like that until she was about 21 (she's now 24 and I'm 31), but we were both in relationships, and abusive ones at that, hers physically, mine emotionally.

I've been single about 6 months. I actually tried it on with her when I ended my relationship, but because I was getting clean from weed, going to therapy and being investigated for abusing my youngest (he was diagnosed with a rare condition in the end causing broken bones and brain bleeds, not actual abuse), A said to give it 6 months for me to get my life together, and then ask her again if I'm still interested.

I know she had a crush on me for years (her mum told me after I confessed to my own crush - apparently she thought we'd be a good couple and A had confessed to her crush to her mum a few days prior) but I'm scared to ask her again.

I only asked because I was a mess, not because I was thinking straight, but I don't want to get into a relationship, fuck it up and lose a huge part of my support bubble when I only have 1 other person I can truly rely on - her mum has said that won't happen, because I have spoken to her (not for permission, but to talk it through with someone), but what if it does anyway?

Do I take the risk? Is it worth it?

Hi anon,

Your concerns about this girl are well and truly valid - you sound like you've been through a really tough time, especially in the six months, and regardless of the end outcome, this would be a big change.

No one can tell you if you should take the risk. That decision is yours and yours alone, as your reasons for and against doing so may be different to other people's.

Your concerns about what happens if it goes wrong are very valid, but what happens if it goes right? And while I am not here to tell you what to do, I do suggest thinking about the good scenario, too, and weighing that against the bad. Sometimes, keeping things the way they are is better, but that's a very personal choice and for some people, that's worse than not trying at all.

Even if the relationship itself doesn't work, you seem to have a strong basis where you may not lose them completely. It may be a little awkward at first, but you may not actually lose them.

Obviously, things change and things do go wrong, but denying yourself this happiness in concern of what might happen may not be what's best for you. And at the end of the day, you need to do what's best for you, whatever that may be and you definitely shouldn't feel guilty for that.

While A gave you a timescale, you don't have to rush this decision as it's a really big one in regards to your relationship with this girl and her family, and you deserve the space and time to work this out.

-Mod Chantelle

[kmp78]

I know this subject has been talked to death, but the fact that it comes up every few days is probably why I need to spit my thoughts out. I want to like JL. I want to think that besides some things just being his flaws, that there are explanations out there that I just don't know. I want to give him innocent until proven guilty and the benefit of the doubt. I don't want the ick. But I just need some inkling of how he ended up with VK that makes sense or sounds reasonable.

There are people saying VK knew what she was doing, and that's entirely possible. But, she knew what she was doing from the mentality of a teenager. Even if a talent agency or her mom tried to pimp her out to validate the escort theory, JL was still a man in his 40s. Plenty old enough to have the sense that it was wrong and to not agree to it. I understand that he has always ran with a younger crowd, and it's okay if he identifies better with a younger generation or if his active lifestyle and clown-ness pair better with younger friends. No different than if he was the younger friend because he fit in better with those older. Being in your 40s and being friends with those in their 30s is not uncommon or weird...

But how did an adolescent fit in? Even his 30-something friends were too old to be hanging out with an under 21 VK. No one thought it was wrong that she was always tagging along at 18? 20? No one sat him down and discussed his mid-life crisis-like choices? That article about him gaga over GTGT states that friends were concerned with the age difference, and she was at least mid-20s by then. None of them seemed to feel the ick? They all look like they brought her in like she was one of them. How?

It's not like she was overdeveloped or looked old for her age! Her twig arms and legs were still awkward on her body. She had a teenager's face even when fully done up for a shoot. She had no butt or curves and a tiny chest. Even her short haircut added to the child-ness of her look. And we've seen some of her child-like behaviors in their time together. And if the age gap wasn't enough of a barrier, there were language, cultural, and life experience barriers as well. How did HE end up involved?

I want someone to learn that he took her away from an abusive family member. That he was saving her from the ick! That in those early years he was protective like Claire described him about MSCL. Or I want someone to tell me that she was a beard to hide who he was really seeing and to help launch her career. That they did become great friends and much much MUCH later it turned into something between them. Or even that it never did, they just parted ways because she wasn't getting younger and had met and fallen for Dims so he moved on to GT either as his new beard or as an actual gf that people could see because he's older and doesn't care as much about secrecy.

I don't want to accept the ick. I don't want to think that he was of sound mind, old enough to know right and wrong. That he chose to ignore laws, morals, his own internal "this isn't right" sense of ick. That he ignored anyone's questions or concerns. That he did, in fact, groom her over the years all because of some lust. Some attraction that he didn't even try to refute. I can't. 😭

Intriguing points and questions indeed... 🤔

Personally I think you're just gonna have to accept the ick, cos...

Well, you're just gonna have to. 🤷🏼‍♀️

[bisluthq]

A few days ago, or maybe a couple of weeks by now, I asked you about the discourse around Bella Baxter having a child’s brain. I have now seen the movie and all I have to say is: what the fuck are those people on?

They either didn’t watch the movie or they lack comprehension skills. It’s very obvious that when the movie starts Bella is a toddler in a woman’s body, but by the end, it’s clear that she’s an adult (side note: Emma portrays that so smoothly). But if watching the movie wasn’t enough to figure that out, they’ve apparently confirmed that she’s 16-17 when she runs away and she’s 21 by the time they’re on the ship. Duncan is meant to be a creep who wants to take advantage of her, the sex scenes aren’t meant to be sexy. They just are.

I liked the movie so much more than I thought I would. I saw people complain about the male gaze and the focus on sex. But I don’t see the problem? I’m someone who isn’t really a fan of sex scenes, but I think they’re serve a purpose here. I’m all for taking out unnecessary sex scenes but these were part of Bella’s story (another side note: I also believe the Oppenheimer sex scenes serve a purpose and were necessary to tell the story they wanted to tell).

I like that we get a scene of her touching herself for the first time when she’s still pretty young. It’s something I experienced as a child and no one ever talks about it so I thought I was weird for the longest time. I think the only other time I’ve seen it mentioned in film or TV was in an episode of House. It’s something you can’t explore with child actors for obvious reasons so I like that it was included here.

Along with the “male gaze” thing, I saw people complain because they don’t focus on female pleasure, since most women can’t come from PIV. But I would argue that they focus on her pleasure, they focus on her face in most, if not all, of the sex scenes. I don’t feel like they’re trying to make her look hot or attractive to men, she’s just a woman who happens to have sex and who’s comfortable with her body/being naked. She just is.

That’s actually what I loved about the movie, Bella Baxter. I loved seeing her explore and learn and be so unapologetically herself. As someone who gets embarrassed easily and who overthinks everything, I loved how carefree she was. I don’t think the fact that sex was a big part of her growth makes it any less feminist (which is a point I saw people try to make). The movie isn’t telling you to run away with an older man at 16 and become a sex worker in Paris, Bella doesn’t have to be a role model. It’s also first and foremost a weird fantastical comedy, it didn’t need to have deeper feminist themes or dive more into socialism (yes, that was another complaint I saw). We’re following Bella’s journey and it doesn’t have to be perfect to have some feminist themes that resonate with people.

I also find a lot of the discourse insulting to Emma who produced the movie and chose to do those scenes. It’s like people are taking away her agency

yup poor things is a GREAT film and people who were outraged either didn’t watch or are not that bright/good at media literacy (which is what I said to you last time also). Finally, as always!!! It’s okay to dislike things. If you don’t like Yorgos’s style or you found the plot silly or you didn’t feel like it was sexy enough or you found it weird or any number of other valid complaints like FAIR ENOUGH I don’t think you need to like everything. As I keep saying - imagine how boring the world would be if we all liked exactly the same stuff??? But like make that your point - “I didn’t dig this” is a solid enough point. Don’t make up like outrage lmao.

[seresinhangmanjake]

Don't answer, if it's too personal, but 21?

21. If you could tell your past self one thing, what would it be?

That one thing would be a 20-second rant. One rant.

I don’t have a ‘too personal’ tbh. Always an open book with some stuff because you never know if something you’ve been through might help someone else not feel so alone. That being said: read with caution...

Without a doubt, I would say, “Kid, you are about to be bipolar as fuck, and it is going to totally, completely, absolutely S.U.C.K suck! You are going to fall into a pit of depression. You are going to make questionable (ahem, BAD!) decisions. You are going to waste money because you’re impulsive (as some of us bipolar people can often be), and you’re going to mess around with men you definitely should not be messing around with because, again…impulsive. You’re going to want to die twice and strongly consider it once, but then you’ll think of your mom and how much she’ll cry, and fuck if you are not uncomfortable as hell at the thought of her being sad and crying so you won’t do it. Then you’re going to drop out of college because that shit is hard and you couldn’t drag your ass to class for anything anyway. You’re going to return home and sit around for a while. You are going to sleep your days away because you don’t know what else to do with yourself. Then your dad’s gonna die and you’re going to be surprised at how not surprised you are that you don’t have many feelings about it, and you’re going to have this revelation that you actually want to go back to therapy to deal with your childhood. So you’re going to get on the right meds and go to therapy and dissect your trauma until it's no longer traumatic because that's exactly what you need to do to save yourself and you’re pretty on board the saving-yourself-train now. You’re going to look at life differently because as it turns out, you were not the problem, they were, and your feelings are valid. You’re going to get a dog that you’re pretty sure you’ll love more than any future child you may have. You’re going to buy a house and finish college and write a poetry manuscript (which, fuck….hard). Then one day, you’re gonna stop and look at yourself and think about what a bitch the last seven years were but you’re going to be ok with it because you learned so much about yourself and others. You learned how to protect yourself and take care of yourself. You learned how to live despite your traitor of a brain not wanting you to, and that’s very important and you will be proud of yourself. 

So worry not, kiddo. Yes, it will suck for a while, but you are going to be ok.”  

[glitterdustcyclops]

you know what, just for funsies, because i'm feeling sassy, here's a mostly-complete list of fucked up shit my ex has done or said to me over the LITERAL DECADE that i have known her

(for clarification, we were friends for a decade, i had a crush on her but we only dated for less than a week two years ago, the entire thing was a ridiculous disaster)

tell me to my face that she loved a mutual friend of ours more than me, and that she would totally take a bullet for her but would only "probably" do the same for me. she was really adamant about this, for some reason

when i brought up the fact that i was jealous of their friendship (GEE I WONDER WHY) she proceeded to get annoyed with me for being jealous and making her feel bad about having other friends

ghost me constantly

tell me she loved me (platonically) after she had dumped me

ignoring me for years and then waltzing into my twitter DMs whenever she wanted to complain about some dumb shit someone else she was friends with said to her

when i first met her she was two years older than me so she was 21 when i was 19 and my friends and i asked her to buy some alcohol for us which we paid her for (which i admit was asking her to commit an actual crime but it was vegas and that was just kinda...normal behavior lmao) and she proceeded to tell me, years later, that she actually got so anxious about buying the alcohol that SHE SHOPLIFTED IT (????) AND JUST KEPT THE MONEY (?!?!?!!!!)

invited me to stay with her to help her run the artist's alley for an anime convention in vegas (after i'd moved to utah) and then proceeded to ghost me the entire weekend to hang out with other friends, including the dude she wanted to sleep with (who would go on to be her long-term partner lmao)

when i kind of lost my shit about being ghosted non-stop by the woman i was in love with who i was doing a major favor for and called her out she got mad at ME and said i was being unreasonable about it

that time she tried to dom me at 4 am in a zoom chat while she was drunk as hell and hadn't asked for prior consent and was IN A MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE ELSE

how she said her partner would be cool with her dating me because relationships between girls "don't count"

THE FACT THAT SHE DID NOT TELL ME THE REASON HER PARTNER WAS NOT, IN FACT, COOL WITH HER DATING ME IS BECAUSE SHE HAD ALREADY CHEATED ON HIM

generally treating all of our conversations as opportunities for her to vent all her emotions and then ghost me the second i needed any kind of reciprocity or validation

completely forget about the fact that i already confessed to having a crush on her (after the aforementioned anime convention incident, when i couldn't stop sobbing because i was DOWN HILARIOUSLY BAD)

there's probably more i'm forgetting but just. wow.

[my-darling-boy]

Genuinely asking, isn't self-diagnose with a condition kind of dangerous? Because legitimizing self-diagnosing opens a door to many malicious people who would want to exploit the fact they can self-diagnose? And in turn, make the space of autistic people worse?

Was going to skip this, but I’m writing a LONG response because I’m VERY exhausted with the amount of misinformation I see on this “self dx is dangerous” take, so buckle up and allow me to info dump.

Recently, authentic_autism_advocacy, an Instagram account run by a supposed medically diagnosed autistic woman was discovered to be a non-autistic woman, Connie Manning, posing as a medically diagnosed autistic person to spread hate and anti-self diagnosing speech. In reality, she is a neurotypical mother who regularly uses her autistic son for clout; she also turned out to have a hand behind CalmWear, a brand of sensory compression products designed for disabled people. Not only had she been spewing hatred towards other autistic people, she had been accusing well known AFAB autistic tiktokers like beckspectrum of faking being autistic and threatening self diagnosed autistics and saying they are a danger to the community, and engaging in other incredibly discriminating behaviour. Yes, she herself was a neurotypical person posing as a medically diagnosed autistic to perpetuate hateful rhetoric about self diagnosed people and used her voice to speak OVER autistic folk for financial gain and exploitation of autistic people, including her own son. If you want to read this roller coaster of a story, an autistic person wrote an entire article on it with tons of screenshots and sources.

So let me make one thing clear to you.

The purpose of actually, genuinely self diagnosing is not done to attract attention or to parade around and exploit other autistic people. Self diagnosed autistic individuals have recognised due to difficult life circumstances, financial hardship, bigotry and stigma within the medical/legal world, being a minor, lack of insurance, lack of proper access to safe care facilities, being denied assessment due to incompetent or biased practitioners, and/or any other obstacle that they may temporarily or permanently be barred from diagnosis. Self diagnosis does NOT instantly mean a person is posing for clout, nor does it indicate a person is trying to wring money from assistance services or exploit other autistics. And nts who use self diagnose with intentions of harming the community? That’s NOT self diagnosis, that’s abuse of something meant to aid people blocked from medical care or financial means to that care. All we can do for autistic people, no matter who we perceive them to be, is treat them the same way we would any other autistic person. Because the moment you start deciding by your own book who deserves respect and who doesn’t, you’ll be on a slippery slope to locking out thousands of autistic people from the community. If it’s discovered a person like Connie is literally abusing the system of self dx to intentionally mislead the community, by all means, we must hold them accountable. But you cannot simply go about granting and revoking access from people just because someone lacks a diagnosis or doesn’t fit your idea of what being autistic looks like, especially if it’s based on stereotypes.

Moral of the story? Isn’t it ironic how anti-self dx people will 100% believe a user who claims to be medically diagnosed but shows no “written proof” of it, yet always demand written proof from a self dx person? It’s almost like even anti-self dx people can’t tell the difference between someone who is medically diagnosed autistic and someone who isn’t. Well, that’s because they can’t. While there might be common traits, autism has no set model, it is a spectrum, no autistic person is alike; Policing self diagnosed people about their self diagnosis isn’t a form of protecting the community. It’s a form of gatekeeping. If you find yourself granting instant acceptance, without asking for proof, to a person insisting they are medically diagnosed like this neurotyical mother, but then prohibit self dx people from entry entirely on the grounds of not showing proof of medical assessment, you are upholding a double standard. This is why policing autistic people’s diagnosis, self or not, is inherently useless.

So here’s the thing... instead of asking people to stop self diagnosing, what you should instead be asking yourself is, “Why do people self diagnose? What kind of medical system could possibly be in place where people feel they need to resort to self diagnosis rather than get an actual diagnosis?”

Well, it’s mainly common knowledge among most of the autistic community that diagnosis is NOT easy to come by.

One of the main reasons why people cannot get a diagnosis is due to financial/insurance reasons. It’s reasonable to estimate that by the end of 2020 almost 30 million Americans alone were without health insurance. I’ve heard costs out of pocket for an autism diagnosis are between $500-$6000. If a person or a family cannot afford health insurance—which by the way on average is around $5,400 a year for a single person and $13,800 for a family here—where are they supposed to pull out $6,000 to get screened?

You might be asking, “Well aren’t insurances supposed to cover disability?” Sure, there are options for disability care through health insurance—not even going to get into that—but like a lot of things in the US, this is a severely flawed system. A lot of private health insurance will stop or limit coverage for an autism diagnosis or assistance services once a person reaches 18 to 21 years old. In most states, coverage has a higher chance of being denied to autistic adults coming with the added age cap or ONLY covering ABA, an abusive, manipulative “therapy” used to force social compliance and trait suppression on autistic people. The fact that ABA, a conversion therapy, is covered, but little else, shows exactly what insurance companies think of autistic people: they’ll only cover us if we want to learn to be “normal”. This can leave many undiagnosed autistic adults who cannot afford analysis, insurance, or safe assistance services with nowhere to turn. If I was not on my parents’ insurance, there is NO WAY I would EVER be able to afford a diagnosis. I don’t have $2,000 lying around. The MONEY ALONE would prohibit me from getting a diagnosis, no matter how many autistic traits I presented.

When I was going through this system years ago to start a diagnosis, I was shocked to find no therapist within three hours of me was accepting adult patients. “Up to 18 only” their websites would say. And in the event I had found one (1) that accepted me as a then 20 year old with X insurance, and that person refused me diagnosis, I would be out of options unless I planned a 5 hour drive which may have also led me to another biased screener. A person seeking self financed assessment can waste thousands of dollars therapist hopping.

People will say, “Well I live in X place, and where I come from, it’s covered!” Well the reality is that everyone in the world does not live where you live. It’s not realistic to assume everyone is in the same position as you or your family to afford care or access the same resources as you. When you say, “Just go out and get a diagnosis! It’s not that hard!”, understand you are speaking from your personal vantage point where screening may be easily accessed or easily covered/is free OR you have no personal knowledge of what that process is like yourself.

The second thing that bars a ton of people from being diagnosed is the fact that when autism was first discovered, its research was HEAVILY centered on white, cis, heterosexual men. The idea that autistic people are ONLY cis, white, heterosexual men carries on to this day. If you are an outlier to this stereotype, your chances of being misdiagnosed with something else or refused diagnosis skyrocket because so-called “professionals” don’t know how to observe traits in any other person besides a cis, white, heterosexual man, and refuse/fail to recognise the endless ways in which a person can be autistic. ALL the time I hear how AFAB people will go in to get screened only to find out their screener does not believe AFAB people can be autistic, because yes, sexism and anti-lgbtq+ ideas play a huge role in the incredibly outdated diagnostic process, because autism is still believed to be an “AMAB only” thing. People report going into a therapists office and being asked questions like, “Do you like going outside? Do you like having friends?” and being told that if you agree with either of these, you cannot be autistic because criteria at some places is so backwards, you can’t even say you enjoy conversation without failing the test. Other things commonly heard during the analysis are screeners telling someone they are too smart/articulate to be autistic, gas lighting them by saying they are mistaking their symptoms for something else/making them up, telling a person they seem normal, dismissing clear autistic traits by saying they’re unique “superpowers”, or intentionally misdiagnosing a person as ADHD INSTEAD of autistic. People on social media have also pointed out what influences racism has on the diagnostic process as well and how lack of research and understanding of autistic POC contributes to under-diagnosis and stigma has only contributed to refusal of care and under-representation of POC in the disabled community, as one autistic Black woman points out on Instagram, “I found excellent articles that support and validate my feelings and experiences, but I could find no research on autistic Black people.” Additionally, because research has primarily been done on young men, this means anyone who is not a cis man and is over the age of 18 and is seeking a diagnosis has a much higher chance of not receiving one because screeners don’t understand how autistic traits may present differently in adults, especially since adults are very likely to mask. Some autism screeners are so against autism they have told clients they would only diagnosis a person autistic if it was their last resort to avoid “placing a burden on their shoulders”. These reasons are largely responsible for why autism is incredibly mis/under-diagnosed. This ask would be the length of a novel if I included every single type of discrimination and mistreatment during the evaluation process alone, but understand it can be incredibly biased, sexist, transphobic, racist, or just flat out ableist. And guess what? Though this process can take as little as a month to get sorted, that is rare. The assessment SHOULD be very short. But a lot of autistic people have reported their diagnosis took more than 2-4 years because of having to waste time, energy, and money hopping from therapist to therapist looking for someone to take them seriously, as many autistic people compiled on the actuallyautistictiktoks page on Instagram point out.

The last thing I want to touch on is this idea that people have that self diagnosing is dangerous. “What if someone self diagnoses and they take advantage of services that are meant for autistic people?” ...The Big Things you think I am going to take advantage of as a self diagnosed autistic person, like scholarship money for instance or SSDI, I do not have legal access to without a formal diagnosis. I cannot waltz into a law firm and ask for a $5,000 scholarship for autistic people without a diagnosis, because they WILL NOT give it to me!

Let me tell you some of things I’ve “cruelly taken advantage of” as a self diagnosed autistic person. I bought glasses with blue light protection, because screen and fluorescent lighting at work and even natural blue toned light from the sky lowers my threshold for some sensory input like noise and social interaction; wearing them to work everyday has improved my sensory thresholds incredibly. I’ve talked to my manager and told him I’m autistic and that I have a hard time understanding vague direction and may need to step away briefly on occasion to tend to a shutdown before a meltdown comes on at work; he had no problem with this. I use subtitles; sometimes I have trouble processing audio or reading facial expressions and tone, and being able to see the words displayed on the screen gives me a significantly better understanding of what I watch. All my life, I have been having meltdowns which I had mistaken for mental breakdowns or panic attacks and having access to resources that walked me through preventative methods and tips on what to do if I have one has been ENORMOUSLY helpful to me. All my life, I was trying to deal with them thinking they were something else; becoming aware of this and accepting that they are in fact autistic meltdowns has helped me not only go through them, but has helped me redirect stims which at their worst previously had me hitting and clawing my arms, slapping my face, and even hitting my head. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to wait 4 years for a diagnosis to use resources I could be using to make my life more accessible right now!

People will say, “Oh well yeah, I don’t mean You are one of Those Types of self diagnosed autistic people, you clearly sound/look autistic, I’m talking about other people.” The thing is, there is no broad “sounding/looking autistic”, that’s stereotyping, and you can’t demand everyone who interacts with you show you their Autistic Card, because again, not everyone is able to be diagnosed, especially given the mistreatment and stigma present towards autistic people in the medical field! And what made you ask for their diagnosis? Because they “don’t seem autistic” to you? Why didn’t you ask for their diagnosis? Because they “seemed autistic” to you? By denying anyone who doesn’t have a diagnosis resources they may very well need, you are denying assistance to thousands of people who are without means to be diagnosed. And I am SO tired of seeing comments online on self diagnosis posts that “people don’t know what they’re taking about” as if they know us personally, like are you me? Are you my doctor I’ve consulted? Did you watch me academically research and consult with other autistic people about being autistic for over 3 years? I’m tired of “well, one time a self diagnosed person laughed at my actually autistic diagnosed friend...so all self dx people are evil” because there is ZERO correlation between a person being self assessed and their behavior towards a non self assessed person. The fact both those arguments are in use whenever self dx comes up is yet another form of gatekeeping.

Self diagnosing autism is not begging for attention or Evil Criminal Money Funneling Schemes. It is a result of a deeply flawed medical and insurance system that has failed to give proper attention and care to those who need it, it is a result of resources not made available, of safe support systems not there for kids and adults alike. You want to talk about what’s truly dangerous? How the hate group Autism Speaks has been parading itself around since 2005 as an advocacy group for autistic people and has been misusing millions of dollars worth of donation money and promoting stigma and hatred around autistic people; no autistic members are present on their board. How Sia and her new film Music was nominated for 2 Golden Globes despite it replacing the original autistic actor with a neurotypical actor, using offensive stereotypes, and using the main autistic character as a prop, and featured an extremely dangerous bodily restraint scene on an autistic person having a meltdown in public and featured very insensitive content due to Sia’s lack of consulting with autistic people to make the film (spoilers in that article).

Instead of policing autistic people, whether they fit your idea of what an autistic person is or not, redirect your efforts and your energy to dismantling systems and holding others accountable for perpetuating harmful stereotypes about autistic people that are legitimately dangerous on such a scale that they have created insurmountable damage to the autistic community. But I guarantee you, worrying over whether your classmate is “faking it” will not do any justice to the decades worth of discrimination autistic people face still today.

I understand. You care about the community, you don’t want autistic people to be exploited or taken advantage of. I don’t want to be exploited and taken advantage of as an autistic person, and I don’t want that for others! But I also understand that when we self proclaim ourselves as judges of random autistic strangers on the internet or start accusing people of faking or demanding to see medical paperwork from people when the basis of our suspicions is “this person doesn’t look like my stereotyped view on how I think an autistic person should act”, THAT is when you really run into trouble. Because if you are allowed to deny self dx people entrance into the autistic community, what’s stopping you from thinking you have the power to deny ANYONE entrance into that community?

And there is power in self diagnosis for many autistic people. When the evaluation system is literally rigged to set you up for failure and put you through unnecessary hardship, self dx is a self affirming, empowering tool to take back control from a process designed to gaslight and crush you. The evaluation process was NOT formulated by an autistic person, nor was it made to be inclusive of all autistic people. Until the evaluation system in place for autistic people is safe, accessible, and free to ALL, you have EVERY right to self diagnose.

[primrose-path-of-dalliance]

jester began falling in love with caleb in episode 103.

not any earlier in my opinion, and not later, either.

there's two elements to why i believe e103 is the turning point.

(1) the first is caleb's actions and jester's responses to them during the night they all sleep by the waterfall—his support of her idea to sleep underwater, his conversation with her after her commune with artagan, and his casting of programmed illusion in the dome.

(2) the second is the way her behavior toward caleb pivots around e103. before e103 is a noticeably different beast to how she begins to treat him after e103—the attention she pays him, her efforts to hold more standout interactions with him, and a dramatic swell of emotion and thematic meaning in these scenes’ respective subtext.

the rumblecusp arc is the point in which jester’s character growth, and caleb’s efforts to unconditionally support her, really begin to shine. throughout the complex growing pains that jester and artagan's relationship was experiencing, the one person who truly takes a moment to offer her support without any agenda or judgment is caleb.

(e103, 1:22:55, bold mine)

CALEB: You okay over there?

JESTER: (tearful) Yeah, I'm fine. Just—I'm just drawing.

CALEB: Maybe didn't go as well as you were hoping?

JESTER: Um... In some ways it went better. But no.

CALEB: I can't speak for him. But you do have us.

JESTER: I know.

CALEB: So whatever you land on, Jester, we'll make it happen.

JESTER: (shaky laugh) I have to figure out what I want to land on.

CALEB: That is the, uh—sticky wicket, isn't it?

JESTER: Yeah. Everything's confusing.

CALEB: Maybe... Maybe we sleep on it, it'll make more sense in the morning.

JESTER: Yeah. Yeah. Thank you, Caleb.

CALEB: I didn't do anything.

jester confesses that her commune with artagan didn’t provide the answers she was hoping for—that he knew about the curse on the island—and caleb doesn’t remark on what that seems like. he deliberately avoids speculating on why artagan is doing these things because “he can’t speak for him.” he doesn’t assume anything about what she might choose to do and explicitly leaves that choice up to her. jester vents briefly about how difficult the choice is, and caleb offers her reassurance, a reminder that some time will make things clearer. he doesn’t suggest solutions.

unlike fjord or beau, caleb doesn’t ask her to voice outright whether artagan is being a good friend. he doesn’t continually question his character and imply any personal opinions to her or what he thinks she should do. instead, he asks whether she’s okay. he listens. and he offers unconditional support.

this is consistently the stance caleb takes in the rumblecusp arc. and it’s not discussed much, i think, exactly how monumental that was to jester.

(hold on, this is a long one.)

jester is a young woman who grew up sheltered and wants to define herself outside of that shelter. for her, this campaign has essentially been a coming-of-age journey (talks for e76-77, 14:12). she is deeply sensitive to whether or not she’s respected because she’s aware of how her personality and general lack of experience makes others think she’s naive, immature, or incapable (talks for e79, 31:51).

it’s also incredibly evident that her relationship with artagan is unique. in e105 (1:15:01), jester tells the m9, “he really got me through a lot when i was younger, you know? and he was all i had, really.” he was her best friend from childhood in a home where she spent most of her time hidden in a single room. when she was younger, the few times she left the chateau, she was bullied by other girls (e110, 3:34:59). her best friend, though? her best friend was a god. a god with an incredible sense of humor, an aggrandizing attitude, and adoring respect for a young girl in a difficult situation who had as wonderful a personality as him. in every way that matters, artagan’s friendship undoubtedly saved jester’s life.

and she is so, so aware of this. she cares for him deeply, trusts him unconditionally, and is determined to be there for the one person who had been there for her when no one else was, not even her mother.

the renegotiation of this friendship after artagan revealed his full identity was clearly extraordinarily difficult for jester. she was having to reevaluate her entire relationship with the being that pulled her through a childhood of isolation and misery, question his intentions with her and whether they could even remain friends at all. and this was amidst her arrival at a dangerous island with her other friends to help him clean up his mistakes.

asking her to make a judgment on artagan before she’s ready to do it on her own, while managing some high expectations at the same time—not only is it a lot of pressure, it’s frustrating and painful. jester did not want to judge artagan without giving him his fair due and a proper conversation. knowing that her new friends dislike her old friend, besides being hurt by it, distracted her. she had to both defend him outwardly and interrogate him internally. and if she tried to explain how important artagan is to her, a lot of vulnerability would’ve been necessary when she was trying to be a leader and seem competent and capable, instead of a child who needs patronizing guidance.

this latter point is exceptional. because jester lavorre is so vulnerable when it comes to how much she thinks her loved ones respect her and consider her a valuable, equal, and trustworthy individual. and it’s difficult to feel like you’re being valued and trusted when people are repeatedly questioning you about a person and a relationship that they don’t understand in a way that, despite genuine concern, comes across as them doubting your own judgment of one of the most intimate parts of your life.

in this precise moment in e103, caleb is the only person who acknowledges—to her in person, even—that he doesn't have any place in judging her relationship with artagan. that it’s not what she needs from him or anyone else. that he’s content waiting for her to reach a decision. that he will respect that decision.

and jester can believe him. caleb’s done nothing but remain consistent on this stance. he repeatedly supports her choices to run travelercon, trust artagan, and come to his aid.

when other party members question artagan's legitimacy, caleb is the one who almost always speaks up to support jester (some examples: e61, 30:43 / e77, 49:17 / e95, 1:09:17 and 1:15:24).

he actively and enthusiastically offers his magical talents to her to provide for the event preparations. he has a whole conversation with her in e91 (beginning 1:53:41) where he expresses his immense respect for her and her personality, explicitly validates her faith in artagan, and shows her a tangible example of how he wants to help her during the upcoming travelercon. when she suggests some ideas, despite their arguable silliness, caleb takes them at face value and openly admits his lack of expertise in this area (e91, 1:58:35).

when they first arrive at rumblecusp, he directly reassures jester about the ‘travelercon 3000’ banner she leaves on the wrong beach by mentioning that he can make her a new banner (e101, 48:18). once preparations begin in earnest, caleb expends spells very freely, including ones of higher-level, to produce whatever jester requests.

in e103, he hears out her idea of sleeping underwater and gives it equal consideration in spite of other party members trying to shoot it down. the first time she suggests it (36:23), caduceus comments against it and no other party member acknowledges her except for caleb, who agrees with her quietly while the others move on. the second time jester suggests it (46:08), veth comments against it and caleb steps in to openly agree that it’s a good idea, even after fjord and beau join veth in being dubious.

compare these active, consistent moments of support and validation from caleb to similarly active and consistent examples of the other attitudes that manifest during the rumblecusp arc, in contradiction to people’s apparent claims of trust (one such claim of trust: e95, 1:00:21).

plainly insulting artagan to jester as if it’s a given, such as fjord’s “he’s generally full of shit, right?” (e107, 49:42);

fjord, beau, and caduceus’s conversation about “not ruining jester’s big day,” yet distrusting artagan to the extent of planning to keep her from being alone with him, preparing to attack him should he try to sacrifice 200 people for some speculated unknown ritual and/or hurt jester, and discussing all of this behind jester’s back (e108, beginning 15:41);

caduceus’s said shift to distrust of artagan because of a semi-disturbing conversation that jester was equally a part of (e107, beginning 20:40);

and the discussion right before jester’s commune with artagan where beau questions if artagan sent them to rumblecusp knowing of the memory problems, without regard for their well-being (e103, 29:40).

the unfortunate assumption being made by these party members’ repeated questioning and protectiveness of jester is that she cannot be trusted to have good judgment. despite their familiarity with some of the context of her relationship with artagan (especially after e105), they disregard her repeatedly-expressed support of him. they indirectly disrespect her ability to judge for herself whether someone is dangerous to her or her friends. they don’t acknowledge jester’s own role in creating dubious situations and instead direct all their negative feelings and sense of fault to artagan, minimizing her agency.

the e108 conversation is a dense microcosm of how the party perpetrates these assumptions throughout the rumblecusp arc as a whole. without qualm, they discuss deliberately controlling jester’s time with artagan to ‘protect’ her and their willingness to kill the evil image they’ve constructed of him, and dodge jester directly asking them what they’re talking about—even though it is a known given that the m9 would defend her with their lives with or without any prior discussion. the purpose of holding this conversation isn’t to make sure that jester is safe. like caduceus near-explicitly says, it’s to “feel better knowing” that “anybody else was on board with this” (20:26 and 18:57)—to validate their unacknowledged distrust of jester’s judgment with each other, behind her back.

and as laura has said: jester, with her very high wisdom, tends to know what’s going on even if she acts like she doesn’t (talks for e79, 32:39).

in e103, when jester is crying because she’s found out that artagan did know about the island’s memory problems, caleb doesn’t show any sign of taking this as proof of artagan's ill intent. what he does instead: he offers compassion for her pain with zero judgment. he promises to support her, no matter what she ultimately decides to make of this information. these are offers of safety and trust, ones that jester desperately needed.

then—caleb creates a programmed illusion of the m9’s lives. and it’s beautiful.

in comparison to all the analysis prior, this moment is straightforward. jester is an artist. she paints, draws, and creates, and she loves doing it. moreover, she loves making art for other people. though she doesn’t get many chances to do so, the mural of a flowery meadow that she paints for yasha’s room in the xhorhaus is a perfect example. similarly, she enjoys the art she makes when defacing other people’s property—altered signage or statue of the platinum dragon painted in rainbow—in part because they’re gifts to the traveler. she loves making those she loves happy.

happiness and love to jester is overwhelmingly about emotional intimacy. i’ve talked about this to some degree in a previous post about jester’s jealousy. please refer there for in-depth explanation. in brief, though, she puts value on how deeply she knows a person; how often she’s been able to be there for them. this is the love she learned from her mother and from artagan, and how she continues to love once she’s older.

caleb’s arcane rendition of the m9′s lives floating around the inside of the dome is a display of exactly this kind of love. not only is it art crafted from his magic and imagination and love—it’s blatant evidence of how much he cares for every member of the party and where they’ve come from. he remembers their stories and hangs them in the air in hopes that it’ll help them resist the memory erasing. he moves the memory of yasha and zuala in a meadow over to yasha’s pillow-side so she can watch it until she falls asleep. he creates a memory for vilya of her, her husband, and her daughter, listening to and respecting the emotional gravity of what she’s confiding in them.

only a few minutes after jester’s disappointing commune with artagan and her conversation with caleb, she walks into the dome and sees this art. she laughs and stares in wonder at all the memories (e103, 1:46:08). when beau points out the humorous memories of fjord being attacked by turtles so they can all laugh, she tells caleb with equal awe and joy, “wow. this is amazing, caleb” (e103, 1:47:04).

...of course, as lovely and meaningful as these back-to-back moments were for jester, it's not quite evidence of her starting to fall in love with caleb around this time.

that’s where the following episodes come in.

[id: three screenshots of messages sent in a discord channel by the user “prim” (the op). all are timestamped to friday, august 28, 2020, the day after the live premiere of e107. the first has an additional timestamp of 12:53 PM, the second 1:03 PM, and the third 1:30 PM. they read:

honest to god though i don't know if it's just the shipper brain that is making me think laura is trying to roleplay jester beginning to reciprocate caleb's feelings [...]

like........ the golden dick hunt teasing is definitely on par with jester's past shenanigans, but the compliments have been Catching My Attention bc it's honestly not normal for jester to compliment caleb of her own volition like that, just as a one-on-one "i appreciate you" reassurance

and i'm thinking less about the spells from last night's episode (although how much jester was emphasizing the compliments made me go "awwwww") and more of the moments like jester telling caleb "that was impressive" after getting cad out of the tunnel with beau's help

but laura is absolutely a shipping troll with jester this campaign so i'm here like "I'M MAYBE 80% SURE I'M BEING FUCKED WITH BUT IT MAYBE HOLDS UP????" [...]

basically laura keeps doing things that make the alarm in my brain go off and i don't know if i'm picking up something legit or if i'm projecting my hopes, like the recent pattern of compliments from jester LOL

/end id.]

i’m not going to lie, if i try to list every single receipt like i otherwise prefer to do in these metas, i think we (and especially i) would all lose our minds. so while i’m about to provide a lot of citations, they genuinely are just a few possible examples that will mostly be within the dozen episodes after e103.

the more important detail that can be observed from this is that e103 is a turning point.

prior to e103, jester does not particularly go out of her way to interact with caleb. by and large, most of their direct interactions are either initiated by caleb or prompted by the context of a general party conversation. the majority of other moments that could be referred to as ‘widojest’ are of caleb’s evident feelings. beyond early campaign days, jester rarely teases caleb about sexual topics while insinuating things about her own sexual life at the same time.

after e103, laura and jester begin to go out of their way to interact with and intertwine jester’s time with caleb.

the rate of jester’s compliments and enthusiastic gratitude to caleb skyrocket (some examples: e104, 30:36 / e107, 16:49 and 1:11:28 and 1:12:15 and 3:10:39 / e110, 15:58 and 3:37:24 / e111, 36:15 and 38:41 and 50:58);

several mature jokes/flirtations she makes involve both caleb and herself (examples: e107, 1:16:17 / e110, 1:18:07 / e115, 1:52:53);

she deliberately and specifically engages caleb in full-blown interactions, such as the conversations during the tour of her childhood bedroom (e110, beginning 1:11:38), hanging out with him on the icebreaker ship (e112, beginning 3:45:29), and the reading of der katzenprinz (e115, beginning 1:52:43);

as well as the expansion of more extended ‘conversations’ like their motif of dancing (e108, 13:39 / e109, 2:54:14), their parental relationships (e110, 20:44 and 3:38:41 / e115′s der katzenprinz / e121, beginning 1:52:12), and polymorph shenanigans (examples: e107, beginning 2:58:41 / e117, beginning 1:13:55 / e118, 43:57).

thrown in are additional background details that further tie jester to caleb, such as her determination to recover caleb’s amulet after their defeat of vokodo (e106, 25:33), the knowing comments on his purchasing of paper (e109, 22:32 / e111, 1:25:49), her deliberate choice to ride whaleb during the avantika chase (e113, 2:32:28), her retrieval of caleb’s coat when he’s attempting to remove the necromantic emerald (e115, 1:30:56), and her deliberate reference to der katzenprinz to iver (e120, 3:05:14);

and simply everything about the tower. it’s another example of the art and creativity caleb produces with his magic to make his loved ones happy, which jester acknowledges at least twice (refer to the e111 compliments). contrarily, jester also makes note of the signs that this tower shows less love to caleb than she thinks he deserves, in keeping with her value of emotional intimacy (e115’s der katzenprinz / e122’s floor 8, room 1).

the reading of der katzenprinz in e115 is arguably the pinnacle of these examples. it’s intentionally initiated by jester. she both takes the step to visit caleb's room and indirectly requests him to read the story to her. laura’s implication that she remembered this subplot because of beau’s reading of a very romantic letter from yasha is particularly suggestive. the story itself incorporates many similar characters and themes that are present in jester’s backstory: the lonely, sheltered boy and his single working mom as jester and marion; the dubious cat prince who ultimately gives the boy freedom and confidence as artagan; and the deep love between the boy and his mother because of how they only have each other, which compels a powerful being to have compassion and thus set the boy free so that they can be together. very similar to both jester’s depth of relationship with her mother and her pleas on artagan’s behalf to the moonweaver’s celestial servant.

and the post-story conversation—caleb’s confiding of its importance to him because of his mother. jester’s open willingness to compare the cat prince to artagan, knowing that caleb respects their friendship and has treated artagan fairly. jester’s lingering, repeated looks toward caleb while smiling and holding her copy of der katzenprinz to her heart.

with all this dramatic expansion of the emotional and thematic intimacy between jester and caleb beginning to roll down the hill after e103—in brilliant contrast to their more muted, less reciprocal dynamic before this episode—e103 is more than likely the turning point of jester’s feelings. and based on the events and context, it was caused by the combined emotional appeal of caleb’s offer of unconditional support and his display of love for his family in the programmed illusion of memories.

[dollslayer]

In the Dark

Bucky Barnes x Vampire!Reader 

Summary: Lonely and bored in your afterlife, or lack thereof, you go home with an unsuspecting stranger, or so you thought.

W/C: 2,906

Warnings: Blood, gore, smut, swearing, breeding kink. 

A/N: I wrote this for @buckyownsmylife ‘s 2k challenge (Congrats and happy very late birthday!! and congrats on 3k too!! 💖). Wanted an alternate take on the breeding kink and wanted a good plot twist and this is what came out lol. If you like it pls reblog and/or let me know!!! P.s. - You can check out some of my other fics if you liked this one! Cheers!

Main Masterlist

Every night was the same for you. The evenings melding together as you tried to keep yourself entertained. No one tells you how boring eternity will be. You expect the loneliness and the challenges of secrecy but no one tells you at some point all things lose their interest. Who’s ever heard of a vampire with depression?

The only thing you had was your almost nightly routine of holding court in your favorite bar. You’d go home with the lucky patron of your choosing, take them to bed, turn them into a snack, glamour them and move on. You had to laugh, 200 years later and you’re still sustaining yourself on the validation of men. Of course, you were able to turn the tables a bit now, having mastered an aura of aloofness and sex appeal. 

So that’s how you find yourself in your usual booth on an unusually quiet Thursday night. You always order a dirty martini but you never drink it. The bartenders know you never drink it but you tip well so they mind their own business. The lights were low and the music was good. The night was young.

A man had approached you earlier but he looked so young and so nervous you weren’t entirely sure you could call him a man. You weren’t even sure if he was 21. He managed to stammer out an offer to buy you a drink but you just smiled and held up your full martini. He immediately turned red and apologized. You had no intentions of taking him home but at the very least you wanted him to have a good night and not overthink himself. So you humoured him and talked for a bit, kissed him on the cheek and sauntered back over to the bar. 

It was nearing midnight when you considered going home, tonight didn’t seem to be proving successful. With a sigh you reached for your wallet when the corner of your eye caught someone moving into the seat next to you. 

“Give me two fingers of Buffalo Trace. Neat. And you can add her drink to my tab.” A confident voice ordered.

You bent to put your wallet back in your purse and when you turned your gaze you let it travel slowly back up to the face that could match such a voice. Strong, thick thighs encased in black jeans, a red henley with the sleeves rolled up to the elbows revealed equally muscled arms and large hands. You could see his pecks through his shirt and felt a smile forming on your face. 

Finally letting yourself take in his face you came upon a chiseled jaw with a 5 o'clock shadow, full lips you longed to kiss and bite, and finally, shocking blue eyes that looked like a Summer storm. You could feel the desire building in you by the second.

You held eye contact and held out your hand. You smirked and gave him your name. 

“James, but you can call me Bucky, if you want.” He said as his warm hand enveloped yours. “Tell me what a beautiful woman like you is doing in a place like this all by her lonesome”.

“Maybe no one here is up to par. Maybe I was just waiting for someone like you to show up.” You countered playfully. 

He smirked in turn. “Well then it’s your lucky night” he said. You turned your bar stool towards him and crossed one leg in front of the other giving him a slight peek of your thighs up your skirt.

You leaned your elbow on the bar and brought yourself closer to him. “So tell me about yourself. You always come into bars this late at night looking for women?” 

“Only if they’re you.” He let out a small laugh. “In all seriousness though, I’m new to the area, moved here for work. Guess I felt a little lonely in a new place and decided to take a walk. Ended up here.”

Your brows pinched a little. You could relate to the loneliness so you felt for him. “Well then maybe you are in the right place.” 

You two talked for maybe an hour, getting physically closer and at one point his hand was on your arm and yours rested just above his knee. The scent of his cologne drew you in closer.

James pulled away to signal for the bartender. As he cashed out you felt disappointment. Was he cutting the night short? If you moved quickly you could probably still go home with him. 

He slapped one hand on the bar as he stood up. You stood too and he put his hand on your lower back, leading you towards the door. Just as you reached the threshold he stopped and faced you.

“So, my place is just around the corner. Care to join me?”

You bit your lip and nodded. You usually prefer to bring them back to yours, never having to chance getting home before sunrise or worrying about being invited in. You felt some connection to him though, two lonely souls looking for company. But also, he was so good looking. 

“Lead the way”.

__________________________

Bucky led you down the steps to his basement apartment and unlocked the door. He opened the door for you but didn’t say anything.

“You’re not gonna invite me in? Some host you are, Bucky.” You quirked your brow and put on a playful smile. 

“Oh forgive me, where are my manners? Won’t you please come in?” he motioned to the door with a flourish, keeping up the joke.

You giggled and nodded as you went in before him. “Much better. I hope your manners in the bedroom are better than that”

He was suddenly behind you, removing your coat he leaned down to whisper in your ear, “Well there’s only one way to find out”. 

He grabbed you by the shoulders and spun you around to pull you into an overpowering kiss. His lips were every bit as soft as you thought they’d be. One hand traveling down your back to rest on your ass and the other came to the back of your head as his mouth was wandering to your neck. 

You let out a moan and threw your head back so he could have better access. Normally you like to be the one in control but this was proving to be an unusual night so you said ‘fuck it’. You let your fingers weave through his hair and latched onto it. You brought his ear closer so he could hear you through your breathy moans. 

“Take me to bed”, you demanded. He brought his forehead to yours and nodded. 

He grabbed you by the hand and led you down the hall. He opened the door and ushered you in while you got a head start on the buttons of your shirt. He snaked his hands underneath your tight skirt to briefly grab your ass before sliding them back out to find the zipper. Down to your underwear he took a step back to take you in completely.

“Fuckin’ gorgeous, doll” He breathed. 

You went for the button on his jeans as he peeled off his shirt. You unzipped him and pulled the jeans down with some resistance from his ass and his muscled thighs. He stepped out of the fabric that pooled around his ankles and stalked towards you. He brought his hands to your waist and felt your smooth skin and brought you into another searing kiss while you walked backwards until your knees hit the bed.

You fell onto the mattress and he fell on top of you and peppered kisses from your face down to your collarbone. His hands were so warm against your cool skin as he moved to rub your clit through your panties. You were squirming in his arms and panting out little mewls. You could feel your panties getting absolutely ruined.

You bucked your hips up to his hands and snagged your fingers in his hair again, giving it a sharp tug of need. He broke your kiss with a chuckle. 

“Don’t you worry, doll. Just wanted to see you sweat.” He said. 

He leaned back on his haunches and motioned for you to lift your hips. He peeled your panties off of you and took a moment to relish in the mess you had made just for him. 

“This all for me? I’m flattered, but I think you can do better than that, sweetheart”, he told you. 

With no warning two fingers glided right into your aching pussy. You sucked in a sharp breath followed by a deep moan as he started moving. You were grinding against his hand and getting a little frustrated as you could almost approach the start of your climax but just his hands weren’t enough. 

“Something wrong, doll?” He asked playfully. He knew damn well what you wanted. 

You huffed. “Eat me out. Please I can’t take it” You whined. Since when did you get so needy with a guy? Since when did you want someone to like you so much? He’s human and he’s a snack he doesn’t even matter.

“Well how could I say no to that?” he asked before he kissed one of your hips. Without any further preamble he latched his mouth onto your clit and sucked. He ate like a starved man, taking you in completely and licking up all your juices while still working you with his hand. 

You were getting louder and more needy in your moans as you came closer to the edge. The grip on his hair got tighter as you guided him in the right place. 

“Fuck. Don’t stop. I’m cumming don’t stop, please please please” You begged as you pushed his face further into your pussy. 

He crooked his fingers just slightly and it was enough to send you over the edge. Intense release triggered that instinctual response in you that brought out your fangs. 

You had to calm down right the fuck now. You still wanted to fuck him before you fed. No human has made you feel this way since you yourself were a human. You pushed his face deeper in still so that he wouldn’t see the change in you. 

A few moments later you’d calmed down enough to retract them and you were pulling him back up to kiss you again. You tasted yourself and you moaned at the hotness of it all. You needed him inside of you. Now.

He kept his mouth on yours as he reached over to his bedside drawer to find a condom but you pulled away from the kiss with a heaving breath. “I’m clean and I’m on the pill,” Not necessarily true but true enough, “please, I just want to feel you. Want you to fuck me full of your cum” you pleaded.

He growled and pulled another moan out of you as he kissed you again and reached to undo the clasp of your bra. He reached down to take off his boxers while he played with your nipples. You looked down and nearly gasped at the size of him. No one you ever brought home had been hung like him. Seeing all the veins sticking out of his hard cock only made you hungrier. 

Suppressing your appetite you reached for him and moved to get him underneath you when he stopped your movements. 

“I wanna be on top, wanna see you writhing underneath me, wanna see your face when I make you cum again, doll.” He said, pushing you back down. He lined up between your folds and eased his way in. 

He sighed as he pushed all the way to your cervix in a slow yet forceful push. He shuddered. “Fuck, doll. Can’t wait to fucking fill you up, make you mine. I wanna see my cum leaking out of you and push it back in. Gonna fuck you so fucking good.” He pulled almost all the way out and slammed back in, eliciting a yelp from you. “So good.”

His pace was slow at first, letting you adjust to him while he adjusted to you. He had been just as wanting as you, when he initially pushed in you could feel his cock twitch and pulse inside you. He wanted this just as bad as you did. 

“Just fucking fuck me already, please” you asked in between moans. 

“You asked for it, doll. Hold on tight.” That was the only warning he gave before he started railing into you at a brutal pace. You were moaning and yelling loudly while he focused all his energy on fucking you as he took in the look on your face. 

The sounds filling the room were a mix of skin slapping against skin, grunts, moans, and groans. The air was sticky with sweat and sex as he reached down to play with your clit. This guy knows what he’s doing. 

“I can’t hold back much longer, doll. Give me what I want. Wanna cum together. Wanna cum all inside your perfect pussy.” He panted out. 

He worked your clit harder, hit your cervix harder, kissed you harder. You let out a cry as you came, triggered his own orgasm. He fucked you through both of your climaxes and you felt his cock empty his cum inside of you. A few final thrusts and his body collapsed onto yours. Cum dripping out of your cunt and onto the mattress.

You were so aroused, no one you took home had done you like this. You still needed him. Your fangs came out with a hiss and you went for the jugular. Bucky grabbed something off the side table so quickly and took it in his hand. With the other he caught your hands above your head and brought down whatever it is that he had been holding onto them. 

You were screaming, your skin was burning, smoking. This was a pain so unique that it brought you into shock. It was a pain you knew. Silver. What are you? Immediate panic waved through you as you tried to kick out from under him, only digging the metal further into your wrists.

You were fucked, you were panicked, and for the first time in maybe a century you were scared. 

“What the fuck?!” You roared as you used all the strength you had to push against him. With a grunt he pulled out of you to get a better angle to hold you down. In that moment of weakness you managed to fling your body weight forward enough to get the metal off of you. 

You felt wild, angry, betrayed. You were about to lunge for him again when he pulled a silver dagger and brought it to your throat. It touched you just barely enough that you could feel the singe. You hissed, trying to stay as still as possible so you wouldn’t burn yourself further. 

“Who the FUCK are you?! What the fuck do you want!?” You were seething with rage. No one gets the drop on you. No one. Bucky may have the upper hand now but he will pay in blood. All of it. 

“I know what you are. I know what you’ve been doing. I belong to a very special group of individuals interested in eradicating your kind.” He said as he pushed the blade further into your neck. 

“So it wasn’t a total lie when I said I moved here for work.” He chuckled at the statement, like you were supposed to be in on the joke too. Go along with him as if he wasn’t about to kill you. 

“What do you want with me? If you know what I’ve been doing you know that I don’t kill my victims. I glamour them and send them on their way. We both win.” You tried to reason.

“I think you could be useful, doll. You’ve already proven you’re definitely good for at least one thing. Look at you, my cum leakin’ out of your pussy like it was made for it”, he said. He sat up a little bit, easing the dagger off of you just a bit. 

“You see, I think you got connections, doll. I think you can help me get to the group of vampires responsible for all the killings in the next city over.” His words were registering with you as you looked around the room for an exit. Sounds like Loki. Maybe Thor but I doubt it.

“And before you go thinkin’ about cutting loose, all my doorknobs are coated in silver and so are all the bars on the window. Perks of living in a basement apartment? I’ve got barred windows and no one lives in the unit above me. No one will hear you scream. No one will come for you.”

You were so utterly fucked in this moment. Maybe you could glamour your way out of this. If you could get him to meet your eye. 

“Go ahead and try anything on me, doll. I’m prepared for any of it. If you can’t give me the information I want then maybe you could give me something else I want.” He pumped his eyebrows as he took in your naked form. 

That was the first and last time you ever got vulnerable with a human. Yup, you were fucked. For now.