#someone should do a drug test on that food or something

[urhoneycombwitch]

in sickness, to cherish

foreword: so excited to release this lil’ babe into the world. PTSD and trauma healing is of special interest to me, I hope you enjoy 💖 (p.s. from my limited research I don’t think they would have used a heart monitor for low-risk patients but it is literally integral to my plot so I’m breaking my anachronistic purity rule. soz)

wc: 3k

cw: descriptions of seizure, PTSD + hospital/medical trauma for the whole gang, brief mention of non-consensual drugging, R is referred to once as “Mrs” & “girlfriend”, angst w/ comfort

___

The mounted clock on the wall of the dingy Hawkins Memorial waiting room ticks over to nine PM, a brutal reminder that time (for everyone else, at least) has not, in fact, stopped.

Nine o’clock. As you pace from one end of the plastic chair-lined aisle to the other, you run the numbers in your head, fingers spastic at your sides- it’s nine right now, and Steve was admitted just after six, which means they’ve been running tests for three hours, even though the charge nurse said it should only take one…

”You wanna step outside for a smoke?”

Eddie speaks up from his seat at the end of the row, catching your bleary gaze before you’re turning on your heel again to complete your looping track.

His voice cuts smoothly over the buzzing fluorescents, the old television in the corner droning with last week’s news cycle; it’s enough to disrupt Robin from her half-sleep against Eddie’s shoulder, blinking into consciousness and stretching her stiff limbs as you respond.

“No, thanks.” Your hands slip to the inside of your elbows, squeezing through layers of soft cardigan in a near-bruise, feet continuing the rhythmic pacing. “You can go, though- I’ll make sure Robin comes to get you if anything happens.”

Eddie clears his throat, sinking back into the hard plastic, rings clicking at the armrests. “Nah, I’m good without one. Just thought you’d want a change of scenery, maybe some fresh air would calm-”

“I’m staying here.”

There’s a sharpness to your voice, a rarity- Robin winces, fingers in her lap twisting and fidgeting as she tries to change the subject. “God, Steve’s gonna be spitting mad when he wakes up. He’s the most doctor-adverse person I know.”

Eddie latches on to this with a humorless chuckle- “Stubborn bastard. Wouldn’t let those lab goons go near him, even after last year-”

“Fuck.” The swear comes from the bottom of your toes, even as you swivel on the balls of your feet to loop back in front of your friends; their faces snap to you, a blur of motion as you pass them again- “You’re right. Steve fucking hates doctors. I should’ve-”

Your next breath comes stilted, fingers a vice-grip on your own arms as you pace, pace, pace- “I should’ve treated this like taking a dog to a vet. Crushed up some pills in his food, or something- he never listens to me when I nag him about his hearing getting worse- do you know how many meals, how many glasses of water we share, every day?”

From the corner of your hazy vision, Robin’s gone still and pale, her voice tremulous- “I didn’t mean to imply- this isn’t your fault, you know-”

But you’re not ready to hear that, guilt surfacing like a sick wave, tears pooling, moments away from spilling over, voice trembling with anguish- “Could’ve been so easy, tell him we’re going for a ride, load him up into the passenger seat, he goes to sleep and I could’a passed him right off to a doctor, to someone who could have prevented this-”

Eddie rises from his seat to stand in the middle of your path, hands lifting to soothe and appease, but you’re still in flight mode, like a bird beating its wings against the confines of its cage.

You flinch away from his touch, standing with your back turned to them both, staring out the dark window, unseeing. “You know what Steve said to me? Right before he hit the ground? He said, ‘Don’t panic, I’m gonna pass out, try not to let my hair get too messed up.’”

An edge of misplaced humor draws a dry laugh from your throat. The dark window reflects your own face back- tear-streaked, red veins encroaching on the whites of your eyes- as you shake your head in disbelief. “He made a joke. To try and distract me from the fact that he was about to hit the ground and go all… all spastic-”

Unbidden flashes of memory surge to the forefront of your mind: victims of last spring. Twisted forms snapped at the bone, Max’s arms and legs bent at horrifying angles, plaster casts from head-to-toe, freckled face still and sallow against the starch-white hospital sheets-

A leather-jacketed form in the reflection behind you, Eddie’s hand solid on your back against the shuddering breaths wracking all the air from your lungs. You don’t flinch away this time.

Your beautiful boy. Steve. With his eye-crinkling smiles and sharp wit and gentle heart, stiff as a board in the middle of your living room, eyes rolled back in his skull like a downed deer, unreachable, just three hours ago.

“I thought it was Vecna. It’s been so long but I thought he’d come back, somehow, I was this close to running upstairs and grabbing our Walkman-”

”But you didn’t.” The hand at your back is joined by another at your arm as Eddie pulls you to face him, his gaze locking on your own, brown eyes full of grave compassion. “You heard the nurse. She said tipping him on his side was the best call you could’a made, sweetheart- you saved him.”

”But I didn’t know,” you insist, “I didn’t know that’s what would help, I just did it ‘cuz I was worried he was going to choke on his own tongue-”

“Semantics. You intuited it, then.” One of Eddie’s hands leaves your arm briefly to make a dismissive gesture through the air- “Which, in my book, is all the more impressive.”

Unconvinced, your voice small and tightening along with your chest- “What if this happens again, and he’s alone, this time? What if he’s working one of his three closing shifts a week, without Robin- what if he’s driving?”

You can’t help the spiraling of your thoughts, what-if scenarios jumping in line, each one more horrifying than the last.

Robin rises to stand beside Eddie, opens her mouth- to deny, to comfort, it’s unclear- but is interrupted by a new nurse who’s just appeared in the doorway.

“Mrs. Harrington?”

This snaps you back to earth, a bit, another watery laugh as Eddie takes a step back, allowing you to swipe at the mess of tears on your face before turning to the nurse- “Yeah. As good as, I guess. How’s he doing?”

With a last look at your friends, the nurse leads you down sickeningly-bright corridors while reading from a clipboard- most of it’s medical jargon, your foggy brain struggling to keep up as you stay on her heels.

What you gather, as you’re led to his room, is nothing new- Steve’s had a seizure, likely due to the trauma his brain incurred from the ‘earthquake’ of ‘86, and it’s unclear what triggered it, or if it’s likely to happen again.

“We’re going to keep him overnight, just to monitor his condition.” The nurse stops at a door labeled Room 202, hinges squeaking as she pushes it open. “He was really lucky, this time. Must’ve had a good guardian angel looking out for him.”

Heart thrumming thick in your throat, you almost ask the nurse to wait, to give you a second- maybe a quick bathroom break to splash some cold water against the tear-tracks, or even an extra few seconds to pretend at being stoic- but she’s already ushering you in with a kind smile.

The nurse pulls the door shut, and you’re left alone with the boy in the bed.

He looks exhausted, dark circles pulling at the soft skin below his eyes, which are full of relief, trained on you as you approach.

“Hey, there’s my girl.” There’s a scratchy quality to Steve’s voice, on its way to being lost.

You were doing really well, no crying or anything, before he spoke. But hearing him, paired with the awful sight of a medical cord wrapping around the width of his broad chest, has your face crumpling in an instant.

“Oh, shit. Aw, honey. C’mere-” Steve reaches for you, halfway to sitting up off his supporting pillows, and you quickly close the gap, sitting near his hip on the bed.

“No, hey- stay down,” you chide through the tears, pushing at the shoulder of his white hospital tee. “Don’t put any stress on your body.”

“Cut the stress, she says,” Steve grumbles, leaning back against the stack of pillows but compromising by pulling you in closer. “My baby’s crying, and she tells me no stress?”

His left palm slips over your cheek, thumb swiping away tears, while his right hand- IV taped flat over the back of it- slides to rest on your waist.

”Gonna tell me what’s wrong, hm?”

Under different circumstances, you’d laugh at his question- christ, where did he want you to start: but with that amber gaze so full of empathy, desperate to fix what’s making you sad, you’re stripped raw with sincerity.

”I was just- I was so scared, Steve-”

Steve pulls your face towards his, needily, a breath away from begging for a kiss before you lean in for one.

He tastes salty, like sweat and tears, lips plush and softly seeking against the seam of your own. Between the kisses, he’s mumbling apologies, “sorry, so sorry”, broken by the need to be as close to you as all the medical gear will allow.

There’s a soft noise from the back of his throat, and you pull away just enough to bump your nose into his, hands running up to push through the soft strands of his hair.

Steve practically purrs under your touch; you’re careful not to disturb the tubing wrapping around the length of his chest, leaning your weight into his shoulders instead.

A vein of hilarity spikes as you remember Steve’s last words before he went under: and here you were, fingers pulling at his dark roots, breaking his one request. When you start to giggle, Steve’s eyes pop open, baffled, hair sticking up at the ends when your fingers leave his hair. Both hands now squeezing at your hips, he feels left out of the joke- “What?”

“I just- nothing. Never mind. I’m really glad you’re okay.” It’s the truth. You frame his lovely face with your hands, kissing his forehead once before sitting up fully. “I don’t wanna fight about it here, okay? Let’s just focus on you feeling better, and then-”

“See, now, wait a minute-” Steve holds up a finger to interrupt. “You don’t get it. I’ve been hoping and praying for hours now that my pretty girlfriend would come in here just so we could have a good fight.”

He tweaks at the skin of your hips (with the IV-hand, so you can’t just smack it away, dammit), smiling up at you far too dreamily for someone reclining in a hospital bed.

Settling against the length of Steve’s torso, your arms cross over his stomach just under the tubing as you start, carefully- “You know, Max had one of these- when she was in the hospital?”

”Yeah, you’re right.” Steve’s hands worm their way under both your cardigan sleeves, seeking out the comfort of skin like a magnet- “Think it tracks heart rate. Or something.”

“Mm-hm. And… you know how she had to go to physical therapy three times a week? For, like, half the school year?”

Steve’s thumbs swipe absently at your wrists, a line pinched between his brows, trying to piece together your angle. “…yeah?”

“Takes a lot of time, to heal from something like that.” Your eyes drop to his chest, throat swelling with the effort of holding back a sob. “And I’m just- just thinking of all the times you might be alone, and how we could have prevented this, and-”

“Hey, hey, hey- shhh…” Steve soothes, shaking his head. “Honey, it was inevitable, okay? Nothing we could’a done. The doc told me this shit can happen, like, years after a big event. I’m fine. I’ll be fine. I promise.”

Fighting against the wall of emotion that makes speaking harder, you return his head shake, desperate for understanding- “But you can’t promise that, baby. You had a seizure- an actual, medical emergency, and… we don’t know if it’ll happen again.”

With a purposeful straightening of your spine, you state, resolutely: “I want a different promise.”

Steve presses the crown of his head back into the pillows, melodramatic, resurfacing with a tsk. “So stubborn. What promise you want, then, huh?”

”I want you to promise that you’ll see a doctor- a real one. A head guy. Not some… family medicine quack.”

Steve grins, charming even while unusually pale- “I love it when you talk medical, really gets me going-”

He decides to bail on the rest of that sentence when he sees the flare of irritation on its way to real anger in your face, raising both hands in appeasement- “Okay. Hey- I promise to see a real head doc. I don’t intend on putting you through this again.”

WIth a sigh, you surge forward again, mumbling “Thank you” into Steve’s lips, a kiss of relief and gratitude. Best news you’ve heard all day.

His groans vibrate through you, hands running down the length of your side, near the bottom of your cardigan; you squeak at the intrusion of his cold palms on the bare skin of your waist but they warm quickly, and you’re willingly distracted as his tongue presses against the seam of your lips.

Perhaps not exactly hospital-appropriate, but as it’s been an evening full of adrenaline-filled panic and heartache, you figure some making out might be a good cure for the both of you.

“Won’t scare you like that again,” Steve says, lips already pink and spit-slick, intense and breathless as he clings to you between kisses- “Gonna be okay. You saved me, angel. Love you s’much…”

Your hand, previously resting on Steve’s knee, automatically slides up at his words, notching into the soft expanse of his inner thigh over the thin sheets- “Love you too, so much…”

A bright, electronic noise jolts into frantic beeping- the monitor that Steve’s hooked up to is loud enough to startle you into sitting up.

There’s no time to process or even rearrange yourselves before the nurse from earlier bustles into the room to glare at the machine’s screen; best you can do is a swipe across your mouth, hopefully hiding any evidence of moments-ago spit-swappage as you stammer out, “Um, yeah, sorry- h-he was trying to sit up and that set it off, I guess…?”

Steve lies placid and amenable against his pillows, giving the nurse a gold-medal grin, which unfortunately does nothing to allay her suspicions.

“Uh-huh.” The monitor alarm is stopped short with the press of a few buttons, and she gives Steve a sideways look, clipboard tucked under her arm- “You ready for your other visitors, Mr. Harrington, or should I give you a few more minutes?”

“Bring forth the party, Patricia.” Steve folds his hands behind his head, wincing when his IV gets bumped but covering it with a wink.

Nurse Patricia leaves. You cover your heated face, mortified- “Oh my god. She probably thought I was giving you a handjob or something, jesus, Steve-”

He’s outright laughing at you now, unable to help it- “Come on, no she didn’t. And even if she did…”

Steve is momentarily distracted, frowning down at his chest, following the monitor’s line to the machine; you watch through cracked fingers, his face lighting up, triumphant. “See, I bet if we unplug it from the wall same time as disconnecting it from here, we might be able to fit a handy under the radar, after all!”

Robin and Eddie enter the room just as you’re swatting Steve’s shoulder; over your subdued and mildly horrified laughter, he groans in faux-pain: “God, you two got here just in time. She’s beating me up for no reason.”

As Eddie settles into the plastic chair under the opposing wall’s window, you scooch down the mattress, patting the side closest to Steve with an encouraging smile at Robin.

She takes the seat, appreciative, her clammy hand slipping into yours for support as she addresses Steve: “Y’know, if you did this to get out of doing inventory this weekend, you could just say so.”

“You caught me, Robs,” Steve says, thumbing over her knuckles fondly. “Finally gonna join my conspiracy to make Keith’s life hell?”

You’re about to cut in, emphasizing that no one else should be making any hospital visits, when a metallic screech has the three of you on the bed whipping around.

Eddie’s managed to crack the barred window- judging by the sound, it hasn’t been opened since the 70s. He freezes with all the attention, then speaks around the cigarette clenched between his lips, suave again- “Pardon the interruption. Anyone else care for a smoke?”

Everyone in the room blinks at him, in various stages of disbelief; Steve starts laughing, first, which gets Robin going, and eventually you, too, until Eddie’s grinning around the cigarette, lighter halfway to his mouth as he chuckles- “Well, can’t say I didn’t offer…”

Robin makes a comment about nicotine fumes, which quickly devolves into her and Eddie fiercely bickering.

The elevated chatter of your friends fades into the background as Steve takes your hand atop the sheets, head tilted to get you in his line of sight again- love you, he mouths.

Love you, too.

[casuallyanidiot]

The Beta Test | Chapter 2

[Yandere M x Gn Reader]

Local party animal and known social butterfly [name] wakes up to find that they've been abducted by their very reclusive and very wealthy classmate. Why, you might ask, did he do this? Well for one reason of course! He needs to know how he's going to talk to his crush! So now, with their freedom on the line, [name] has to figure out how to get this kid with the one of his dreams or risk never leaving at all. Lots of weird conversations ensue, of course.

1.6 k words Tw. Swearing

Chapter 1 Table of Contents

You stayed shivering on the floor of the cell for what you guessed to be the next few hours. There were no windows in the little room you had been stuffed into, and even the little dim lights under the cabinets on the other side of the bars had been turned off. They had shut off a few minutes after Javier had left, leaving you in near absolute darkness. Over the course of however long you had been in there, your mind had become increasingly clear.

You had fallen asleep after a certain point. Like, what else was there to do? When you woke up again, it felt like your spine had been bent into thirteen different directions. This sucked, to say the least. Your freedom for him getting with some girl? What a freaking weirdo. You sighed as you stretched out as best as you could and tried not to think about the absolute mess of a man that could probably harm you with little remorse. 

Still, all you could really do was wait for Javier to come back. So, that’s what you did.

It wasn’t clear how long you had been sitting there, staring at the cabinets and trying to imagine what lay in them, before a beeping noise came muffled from the other side of the door. Your bleary eyes widened before narrowing sharply. A twinge of annoyance ran through you as a head peeked into the room. This little asshole stared at you like you were some kind of rabid animal. Still, he shuffled in.

“ Hey uh, you’re probably hungry cause of the drugs and all. I brought you something,” he said. He walked over to stand in front of your cell. In his hands was a tray of what looked like something edible. Honestly, it was the least he could do. 

“ I would’ve had a…someone else deliver it to you, but I think we should kinda uh get to know each other a bit more. Since you know, you’re gonna help me and all,” he laughed a little and raised the dishes out to you slightly. You could only blink at his audacity. But hey, you were pretty hungry. 

The pit in your stomach had been a big pain in your ass for who knows how long, and you doubted that a hunger strike would really get you anywhere. You let a groan out in frustration as you threw your head back and started to stand.  It was a slow and shitty process; all your joints were cracking like a glowstick. You should not be having this hard of a time in your twenties. Maybe it was time to go see a chiropractor or something. Surely someone knew a good one that wouldn’t break your bank or back. 

Walking up to the metal bars you realized that this was the first time you had ever been this physically close to Javier. He must’ve been thinking the same thing because he was shifting around so much you would’ve thought that he had to go use the bathroom or something. Still, you wordlessly held out your hands with a blank stare. He looked at you silently for a few moments, absolutely flabbergasted I'm sure, and went rigid. You rolled your eyes.

“ For fuck’s sake man, just give me the food,” you said, pretty exhausted all around. Your sure you sounded like a stay-at-home military mom with 5 kids after picking them up from school or something. Not a good look at all. Whatever. Being held captive wasn’t exactly the vibe you wanted to put out either, but here you were.

“ Huh! Oh yeah.. That. Sorry, sorry. Here you go,” he said meekly and attempted to pass you your meal, finally, but there was just one issue. It was kind of weird how neither of you had noticed nor thought about the fact that the plate might be too big to actually fit through the bars. As the plastic dish was stopped by the immovable steel (or whatever metal it was actually made of. How should you know?) you pressed your lips into a thin, tight line. You raised your head to see the gloomy man going through what you could guess were the five stages of grief all at once. 

Yeah, Javier looked like he was on the cusp of shattering like a lego building does when dropped from the twelfth story.

“Dude…” you whispered, also absolutely devastated because you were hungry, duh.

“ Uhhh, umm.”

The guy couldn’t even get a single word out; He only kept trying to shove the plate into your cell. The room was filled with only the sounds of dull tapping. You could only stare on dumbly, lips parted in absolute disbelief.

“ Hey it’s um, it’s not going to get through,” you said. It was like your words went in one ear and out the other. It was like he was a robot, trying to do an action even though it was physically impossible. You noticed his trembling hands and his quivering lip almost immediately, and you shook your head. You reached through the bars and grabbed the plastic dish, stopping the weak motions. 

“ It’s not gonna work man. Let it go.”

It was like you had backhanded him or something. His dark eyes went wide and he actually jumped back from you. You were left in a pretty uncomfortable position there while he bumped back into a table. His chest was heaving pretty deeply, and his string bean body was splayed out in all sorts of awkward angles. You stood there, with your back still hurting as the one who kidnapped you in the first place stood trembling 5ft away. 

Well, that was a total waste of time. 

He seemed to realize that he was acting very, very strangely and cleared his throat. Javier ran his hands through his flat, dark hair, clearly stressed. He straightened up, pushing on the high-quality marble counters with shaky arms. 

“ I uh, sorry. I should’ve thought of that haha. Guess that just shows how useless I am,” he laughed weakly, and you grimaced at the way he glanced to the side. You rolled your eyes, the hunger had really started to whittle down your already tiny amount of patience. The plate of food, which you still could not pull into your cell by the way, smelled stupidly good. I mean, if you really tried, you could still be able to eat. Though as you held it up, you noticed that there was nothing for you to eat with. You huffed.

“ You’re fine, man. Can you get me a fork?”  

“ I’m fine? Yeah, you’re right,” he sighed out of relief. He laughed as he waved a finger at you. “ I think… I think I can see why you get along with people so well. “ You raised a brow at his words. He stood tall, finally done with whatever emotional rollercoaster he had gone through in like under two minutes.

“ I mean, you’re really good at talking to people. I mean we’re already having some fun memories, right? I mean, I know we’re not friends, not yet at least, but um, this is good! You can help me better if you’re more comfortable with me and stuff haha,” he said while rubbing his arm. You could only blink at the audacity of this man.

“ Fun memories? Like what?” You couldn’t help the confused hiss that left your lips.

“ Oh you know, like right now. I made a mistake and um, you were all reassuring and stuff. Like I said I know we’re not friends, but um it was really nice how you kept me calm and stuff. I know that I’m probably gonna remember this for a long time,” Javier giggled a little bit at the end.

“ Ah okay. Well, that’s cool and all, but can you please get me a fork?”

“ Yeah, it is cool. I’m glad that I came and talked to you today. I almost didn’t, haha. I was um, kinda nervous. I mean… yeah this was nice. I’m gonna go now. See you later,” he said. His gloomy expression had become noticeably brighter. He gave a little way and smiled before turning to the door.

“ Wha- hey wait!” You cried out, but he just kept walking. The door was shut once again and the same mechanical beeping rang out. You stood dumbfounded, an offended scoff leaving your mouth as those stupid lights dimmed down. The food in your hands couldn’t easily be eaten without utensils, and even if you did, your hands would probably be super messy. Your stomach rumbled as you sighed in defeat.

It was awkward to move the plate down to the ground while your arms were still outstretched beyond the bars, but you managed to do it. You stared at it longingly. Maybe if you looked at it long enough the flavor would somehow miraculously end up on your tongue. You slumped over in slight defeat.

While you had always assumed to an extent that Javier was socially inept, you would’ve never guessed it would be this bad. Like, the dickwad didn’t even spare you a second glance as he left. Did he even hear you? Was it even possible to be that wrapped up in oneself? You could kinda feel bad for the guy if the current setting was literally anywhere else. 

If you were back in the quiet corner of the library, then sure, you might feel for the guy. Hell, if he had asked you to help him like a regular fucking person would, you probably would’ve jumped at the chance. But here? Now?

You groaned as you slumped over. If he was this bad, then there was absolutely no way that he was going to get with that girl. Even if you helped. You looked miserably at your plate and bitterly came to the reasonable conclusion that you were probably gonna die here because of that fact alone.

Fucking Javier Galvan, man.

[queerprayers]

any tips/advice for someone who is not catholic who wants to participate in lent? like how to choose what to give up etc?

Cheers to not letting Catholics have a monopoly on Lent, beloved! Last year I answered a similar ask that might be helpful. Here are the thoughts I have right now!

[CW: discussion of eating/fasting in italics] My most important note/disclaimer: Fasting is not for everyone. It is a beautiful tradition (for Catholics and non-Catholics) that can change people's lives, but if it's going to be a part of your practice, do it on purpose, knowing yourself. It inherently changes your relationship with food--and for people who have always had enough to eat, who have never struggled with disordered eating, who have never been seriously ill, there can be a solidarity and new perspective in fasting, in realizing how sensory experiences and comfort and mortality go together, how privileged you are to have the choice to go hungry. But for those who have struggled with food insecurity, or have lived through/live with eating disorders/disability/illness, or any other experience/relationship with food/the body that changes your perspective, fasting will often be a re-traumatizing or triggering practice that doesn't change your perspective so much as reinforce unhealthy ones. Something I think about: why fast if you cannot feast? Lenten fasting brings us to Easter feasting--if that's not accessible to you, if that wouldn't be joyful or affordable or healthy, fasting probably isn't either. Okay, all that said:

There is so much diversity in what a Lenten practice can look like, and I can't tell you what will be most meaningful for you, but I'll give you some ideas and some questions that have been helpful for me to ask myself! Lent existed way before the Catholic/Protestant divide, and exists among so many diverse communities, and there is a path here for you if you want one.

"Giving up something" is the most common language used for Lent--fasting technically refers to anything abstained from--and generally that's really useful! Jesus's forty days in the wilderness was time that he had nothing but God, and during Lent we can get closer to that experience. I give things up not as punishment or a test of self-control (those ideas trigger unhealthy behavior patterns for me), but as a letting go of something that is in my life but doesn't need to be, and may deserve reconsidering. Sometimes it's a bad habit, but sometimes it's just a conscious allowing of my life to grow simultaneously smaller and bigger. There is space for grief during Lent, but we're not just making ourselves feel bad--I've never found forced emotions to be spiritually helpful. Emotions come and go--we're doing this on purpose, and whatever we feel about it, we make space for that.

Ideas of things to give up:

eating out/getting coffee/buying drinks/little treats

impulse buying/nonessentials (you could pick a category, like clothes, or go all out)

alcohol/drugs/smoking (if this would be starting a recovery journey, I am not the person to ask for advice on that but please do seek help)

social media (you could choose one app to give up, or set time limits--it doesn't have to be all or nothing)

scrolling-on-your-phone time before bed/another time when you get sucked in

another form of casual entertainment (like TV/video games--again, you can limit this rather than cutting it out)

sexual activity (I talked about this here)

makeup/other appearance-related thing (I must confess I have considered doing this and always chickened out. I know that's because it would force me to rethink too many things, which is a probably a sign I should do it one of these years.)

a social habit, like gossiping or getting into arguments online

overscheduling/not having rest days (this is often unavoidable, but rest is necessary and holy, and perhaps this is the season for sacrifice in honor of rest)

single-use plastics/another environmental choice

Note: I don't think any of these things are inherently bad things. This is a list of things we can change/investigate our relationship with or have a season without them as a distraction, not things I think we shouldn't be doing or we should feel bad about.

One of the most important things I've realized is that so often I have given something up and not done anything about it. Like I didn't watch TV for forty days and was mad about it and then Lent was over and I watched TV again. Perhaps this strengthened my self-discipline, or made my life better in a way known only to God, but ultimately nothing happened. I didn't consciously do anything else, I didn't learn anything.

Now, when I give up something, I purposely do something with whatever space it leaves. If I'm not watching TV, what am I going to do when I would usually watch TV? Am I gonna pray? go to bed earlier? call my grandmother? Am I gonna cancel my Netflix subscription for a couple months and donate that saved money? Or maybe I'm gonna give up watching mindless TV, and find stories that resonate and make me think. Don't give things up to check a box, but to reexamine your relationship with them, make everyday things sacred, fill the space/time/money/energy you now have with God, and ultimately to set this time apart.

The other way of looking at Lent practices is things you can add. Often, as I mentioned, they go together--you can pair up something you're no longer buying with somewhere to donate to, or give up an activity and replace it with a new one. I always caution against Lent-as-self-improvement--obviously I can support improving our habits, but I've seen too many people use Lent to restart their new year's workout plans, and while exercise can be a way to care for ourselves, if new year's and Lent are treated the exact same way, what's different about this season? What makes this Lent?

One of the questions I've been asking myself recently is: What are you gonna do about it? When I'm investigating a belief, or learning something new, or reframing an old thought process, I ask myself: What am I gonna do about it? Lent is a path to Holy Week--something I and many others commemorate as the week when God was put on trial and literally killed. I genuinely believe God died and was resurrected--how does this affect my life? Believing something like that and not letting it change you is, to me, inauthentic. When I'm considering a belief, I think, if this were true, how would it change me? Would it lead me to Love? Lent (and Christianity itself) over and over asks us to do something about what we say we believe. Faith without works is dead--and faith is a work, something I do.

It's almost Lent, which is preparation for the Resurrection, which fundamentally changes our understanding of what it means to be alive--so what are you gonna do about it? Not because doing something will make God love you more or make you a "better person," or even because you'll succeed or change your life, but because how can we not? We are of course welcome at Easter having done nothing, but I can't imagine knowing what's coming and not letting it change me.

Ideas of things to add to our lives:

start a prayer/Bible routine--I can now wholeheartedly recommend (as a Protestant who connects with ancient traditions but not always Catholicism) Phyllis Tickle's Divine Hours books! For Bible study, I like The Bible Project's videos.

read a book--it can be anything that connects you with God! (I had a lovely experience with Lenten Lord of the Rings last year, and this year I'm properly going through the Quran)

pick a subject to research (theological or anything else)

start to attend worship services or commit to attending more--this could include going to several different places if you don't currently belong to a church

research places to volunteer for or donate to

do something politically active, like calling your representatives, researching the next local election, or attending a protest

donate to the next [insert number here] posts you see online requesting mutual aid

start a physical practice like taking a walk or stretching

write a letter or call someone regularly, especially with people you've been wanting to connect with more or have unresolved conflict with

start/commit to more regular therapy/other health treatment

ask for help--maybe you're the one who needs mutual aid, or reaching out to, or support cleaning your house or with your kids. there is no shame in this.

These are all obviously things we can be doing year round, and certainly we can use Lent as a season to start something we want to keep with us! I'd also encourage us to have something that's only present during Lent, or something that we do more or in a different way.

You asked how to choose, and I don't have a one sentence answer to that (...obviously), but perhaps in these days before Lent you can look at your routine/habits, the places where God is present, the things you do to distract yourself from life (not a crime--just something to be mindful of), and you can see where Lent might be able to come in and change you. The thing that's nagging at you that you know might be helpful, the thing you're not in control of and just do, the time you take up or the money you spend that might not be bad but also doesn't lead you anywhere. We can't expect every aspect of our lives to be purposeful and present, or to be continuously improving ourselves (in fact, that sounds terribly stressful and unsustainable)--but we can look around us. We can have a season that looks different because everyone I've ever known has a brain that craves ritual in some way--and either we do it on purpose, or we fall into it. Do something (or don't do something) a little more on purpose this season.

Another think to think about is what Sundays will look like for you--the "forty days" don't count them. There's no fasting on Sundays--my mom says every Sunday is a little Easter. "Sundays in Lent" is such an interesting concept because it's very much Lent, but the rhythm of our weeks breaks through. When I give up soda, I'll have one as a celebration on Sundays, but a prayer/reading practice I'll continue through. It's up to you and depends on what your rhythm/habits ask of you.

Ultimately, let God interrupt you. Let Them seep in the cracks of everything you do and let go of. To be loved is to be changed. Even the smallest thing--like wearing a cross necklace every day--can cause our lives to be filled with noticing God's presence. I keep saying to do this on purpose, but know that I find Them much more often by accident.

And an obligatory note: starting Lent late, stopping your practice halfway through, not meeting a goal, whatever comes up--Easter still comes for you. Lent is for paying attention, for making space, not for perfection.

I also want to add that while a lot of Lenten practices (including most I've mentioned here) tend to be personal, ultimately what is asked of us is interpersonal. We make space in our life and be more present in the name of Love--which we cannot do alone. If a practice is not specifically about other people (like volunteering/donating), ask yourself how it will serve the ways you love others? This isn't a trick question, just something to think about. Personally, my study of the Quran this season will connect me with my Muslim siblings through time and enable me to more fully love the Muslims around me, and my rhythm of the divine hours will connect me with the wider Christian community and center me as I go about my day, allowing me to be more present in my relationships.

Easter comes whether we're ready or not--and I don't think we can be ready. But we can look at the small parts of ourselves, set this time apart, see what we can change our relationship with, and perhaps when Easter comes, we will every year have come that much closer to understanding what it means to live out the resurrection by honoring the death that came first.

Wishing you a blessed almost-Lent, and praying for you and your practice (as well as all those reading this)!

<3 Johanna

[crookedkryptonitebeliever]

this might be a touchy subject and you don’t have to answer but, as one myself, how would Yves act with a chronically ill/physically disabled person? or even someone who constantly deals with chronic pain that is debilitating for everyday life? btw i love your writing, no matter how cursed. 🤍

Yves feels his heart wrench whenever he sees you break down in tears, frustrated at yourself for not doing as well as other able-bodied people, frustrated that you have to surrender your autonomy at times to Yves. He truly does, he hates to see you in such a state. While he doesn't mind, even prefers you to be dependent on him due to his strong caregiver personality, Yves doesn't want it to be at the cost of your happiness.

He will read up on all the papers published about your illness or disability. Past and modern ones, there must be a pattern or some sort that he could identify. Yves will try his best to find a cure or at least something that will improve your symptoms greatly.

But the first thing he will get done is to talk to you. Discuss what you ultimately want; is it freedom you seek? His undying support? The unyielding truth that Yves will stay by your side no matter how bad it gets? Do you want to keep fighting for yourself, or do you want Yves to do it for you?

You will have the latest, cutting-edge prosthetics if you're struggling with an amputated limb or body part. All the helpful, relevant, accessible gadgets will be installed in the house in hopes of making your life much easier and giving back the level of independence you need to maintain your mental health. Yves will remember all your appointments for you, that fills his planners up. Your dosages, your medication, and the procedures of your treatments.

He will remind you, pre-pack your pills, and help you with your IV drip. Yves is very careful with his tone and words, he knows the stress, humiliation, and pain that come with living as a chronically ill person can easily set you off. Everything can be overwhelming, he does not want to see tears of anger or hopelessness in your eyes. It's not your fault, you never wanted this and it just happened to affect you.

Yves spends nights perusing through all experimental treatments, weighing between the risks and benefits. He will present his carefully curated selection to you, but he makes sure to pace it out appropriately. Because if he were to show you thousands of pages of medical reports, chances are you're going to be upset, overstimulated, and angry at him. You have very limited energy and focus, he needs to get his words as concise and accurate as possible.

Watching him kneel with you on the bathroom floor, as you experience your seventh vomiting tonight, truly shocked you. Understandably, you're in such a terrible state, that you've barely gotten any sleep for the past month. But Yves sleeps even less, he is always awake, always looking after you. Ready for any emergencies and constantly preparing items or foods that will ease you. Yet, he looks glowing, as if he wasn't caretaking a bleeding ball of misery. His hair is always silky and brushed, no bags under his eyes, and his movement is still crisp. And he always knows what to do, much better than you or your practitioners.

He knows your body well enough to administer his own dose of painkillers, going against doctors' orders and obtaining drugs that fully alleviate your pain. Strategically timing your doses so it won't be too hard on your liver. Taking your blood samples himself and ran them through his own trusted pathology lab, potentially proving that your doctor might have misdiagnosed you. Maybe you wouldn't need to suffer, Yves could find a cure.

You were very apprehensive at first when Yves suggested that he does his own testing. He has no credentials, why should you trust him? The doctors have much more experience than him and they went to school for this. You're not trusting a random to cut you open either, he's a mathematician, not a medical doctor or a surgeon-

You were dumbfounded when he produced his own certifications and licenses. Proving that he worked in hospitals, researched institutes, and even published his own medical papers that universities used as teaching material for decades. Everything he presented is legitimate, he even demonstrated the validity of them by your request. You could call his universities and they will all confirm his contributions, You can confirm with the government and the relevant boards, you can search for him anywhere, and early pictures of him will resurface.

He looked so different. Yves looked unremarkable in them with short hair. He looks unhappier and more exhausted, though. Makes you wonder how old he really is.

But that was all. You cannot find further information on Yves other than the ones he allows you to know about.

So you reluctantly let him stick a needle in you, only to realize that he's done. You blinked multiple times and darted your eyes from your arm and his gloved hands holding vials of blood. Unlike the usual nurses or doctors, you can't feel the needle going in or out. Yes, you saw it, but it was unbelievably fast.

Your jaw dropped as he didn't even need to palpate your arm. Yves just calmly inserted the syringe, gathered what he needed, and finished. You didn't experience any bruising later, which was astonishing with the speed he was working with.

He labeled them and packed them in a plastic bag with a biohazard symbol on it and into a padded envelope. Yves disposed of his gloves and washed his hands.

You expected him to enlighten you. Tell you stories while he was in the field, brag about his accomplishments, complain about difficult patients, anything! You needed to know more! Just who the hell is he?

But all he did was smile, give you a kiss on the forehead, and help you back to your room.

[schizopositivity]

what to expect when being admitted to a psych ward (this is from my own personal experiences of being admitted to a mixed involuntary/voluntary facility and a valuntary facility, both for adults, both holding people of all genders):

•when being admitted they are going to ask you a lot of personal questions (mental health history, drug use, triggers, etc), sadly you will have to get used to talking to strangers during your stay

• when they tell you the name of the facility try to remember it, you might be asked where you are later to check your awareness

•they will take your picture for the records

•they will confiscate your phone (this is to ensure that you cant take pictures of other patients)

•they will confiscate all other belongings you have on you and keep them until you are discharged

•they will confiscate your clothes and shoes and have you change into scrubs and the famous grippy socks

•you might be strip searched to ensure you arent hiding anything and to take note of any distingushing birthmarks, scars, tattoos, etc (in my experience this was done by someone who alligned with my sex assigned at birth)

• you will probably have a physical medical exam or just talk to a dr about you medical history and what accomidations or meds you may need during your stay, you may be subjected to blood and/or urine tests

•the doors will be locked and you wont be able to walk out anytime (even in voluntary you have to go through the discharge process before leaving)

•if you use nicotine, depending on the place they will either provide you with nicotine patches/gum or allow you to have cigarette smoke breaks (you have to provide your own cigarettes or have visotors bring them to you and they dont allow vapes because they cant monitor what is in them)

•obviously no recreational drugs or alcohol is allowed

•the place itself will feel bland and clinical (think hospital but devoid of anything you could hurt yourself with)

•you will probably have your vitals checked everyday like compression arm cuff, heartbeat finger monitor and temperature taken

•you might have to wear a face mask at all times in the facility

•if you have a wristband from a hospital you can ask staff to cut it off for you

•you may or may not be roomed with other people (i was roomed with a female since i am afab nonbinary, idk how they room binary trans people)

•the bathrooms will either have a curtain or a door you cant lock (this is for your safety)

•depending on the place and your risk, you will be monitered by staff (in the mixed facility they had to physically see me every 15 minutes, just come into the room and check off a clipboard)

•there will be a front desk that is staffed at all times, feel free to approach and ask for things, ask questions or even ask if they want to play board games with you

•there will be a schedule for meal times and activities, it will be the same every day

•the food will be cafeteria food, think hospital or school cafeteria or possibly worse, they will already be aware of any medical dietary needs of yours but from what ive witnessed they do not do the same for religous or personal dietary needs (like a friend i made in the ward asked if the food was hallal, the staff didnt know but encouraged her to eat it anyway) they will also let you opt out of the prepared meal for something like a sandwich or snacks

•they will also have snack times in addision to the meals, but if at any point you are hungry, ask staff and you might get an extra snack or sandwich

•there might be coffee, it will probably be decaf, and the hours they serve it might be limited

•there might be patients who scream, cry, swear or have psychotic breaks

•there might be patients who are detoxing that might gag, puke or cough repeatedly

•there might be patients with visible self harm/suicide attempt wounds or scars

•there might be patients who are violent and/or sex offenders (the staff should keep you safe, but a patient hurting you is a possibility)

•if you have an outburst or hurt yourself or others, you might be physically handled by staff, given sedatives agaisnt your will, placed in solitary confinement or all three (this should only be done when nessasary to keep you or others safe, if the staff do this without reason or otherwise abuse you, you should report it to police when you have the chance)

•if you cry you will probably be left alone, staff might ask if you want to talk to them

•there will be cameras inside the facility but not in bathrooms, and depending on the place not in bedrooms either (this is for safety, so in the event of abuse there will be proof, i witnessed a patient to patient assault in the ward and the police used the footage to convict the perpatrator)

•there will be landline phones you can use, there may be limited phone hours, and they may limit your time on the phone, the phones are placed by the front desk so staff will be able to listen in on your conversations, they will let you write down phone numbers while you still have your phone during intake so that you can have the numbers later when making phonecalls (in my experience the time limit depends on the staff thats around so some will let you talk as long as you like)

•the phones you use will not allow you to call 911, if you are having a medical emergency you should inform the staff if possible (they will treat you or take you to a hospital if nessasary), if you need to report a crime you should ask the staff to call the police or otherwise file the police report after discharge

•there will be communial TVs with limited hours, you will need to ask the staff to operate the remote (one ward only had cable and the other one only had DVDs and us patients took turns choosing the movie)

•there will be daily group therapy, depending on the place it could be manditory (in the voluntary ward i asked why i hadnt seen any group therapy like the schedule said, and they said no one was asking to go, so i asked and i was the only person in the group therapy lol)

•they might have activities like yoga, art therapy, craft time, music time or other things (if you see it in the schedule you can ask them to tell you when its happening)

•there might be outside time in a fenced off area or there might be no outside time at all (this is for safety)

•the windows might be frosted, tinted or have a dotted film over them (this is for privacy)

•there will probably be activities that you can always access like coloring pages with crayons and/or colored pencils, puzzles, board games and paperback books

•you will get your clothes you came in back probably the next day, they might wash it

•visitors can bring you clothes but it has to have no strings (like drawstrings or shoelaces) no metal bits, and no graphic or offensive prints on clothes

•jewlery is not allowed unless its a piercing

•visitors can bring you books as long as its paperback, and journals as long as it doesnt have a metal spine, and other safe activities like paint by sticker books

•visitors cant bring blankets or towells, that will be provided by the facility

•anything visitors bring has to be checked by staff before they can give it to you

•you might not be able to recieve calls unless the person has an access code that they will provide for you, so you have to call first

•there can be meetings with visitors, it could be limited to certain days of the week or certain hours, your visitors may be subjected to a search, and your visiting time might be monitored by staff

•you will be given your psych meds as normally perscribed, they may have you open your mouth and lift your tounge after you take them to show that you actually swallowed them, you might be able to meet with a perscriber to get a med change

•you will probably have short daily private appointments with a counselor, this wont be as in depth as therapy but rather a way to check your progress, it could even just be like "on a scale form 1-10 how depressed are you?"

•you can still have any phone/telehealth appointments you already had planned, just inform staff and you might be put in a private room with a computer

•ask staff for things! like deoderant, toothbrush, toothpaste, blank paper, to print out an image of something that can cheer you up, honestly anything just ask

•ask staff if you want to shave, clip your nails, or apply makeup, you will probably have to do it in front of staff at the front desk

•for showers ask staff for towells, shampoo, conditioner and maybe body wash (the shower usually has a soap despensor in it) the shampoo and stuff will come in little cups, also if you can, ask for extra towells to place on the floor for when you get out

•your shower time might be limited, the shower probably wont get very hot (to avoid people burning themselves) and it will probably be a timed button that sprays water for 30 seconds at a time so youll have to keep pressing it to shower long enough

•the bed will probably not be very comfy, like thin foam matresses and scratchy sheets

•you can ask the staff for over-the-counter meds like ibuprofen, laxatives, sleeping pills, etc

•the days will feel long, try to keep yourself occupied with activities and phonecalls

•i encourage you to talk to the other patients! you can connect and relate to people in simular situations, older mentally ill people with experience, and just to make friends while youre there (ive even witnessed two men agree to have a romantic relationship only during their time in the ward, they called eachother "hospital boyfriends")

•i encourage you to journal about your experience and feelings while youre there

•how long youll be there really depends on your situation, although both times ive gone they said the usual stay was one week or less and thats how long i stayed both times

•they may require you to do certain things before you are allowed to discharge like get a med change, improve your mood, set up appointments with drs or counselors in the future, get stabalized on meds or show recovery in other ways

•even if you are voluntary, you will need to go through the discharge process before leaving like signing paperwork, collecting your belongings, setting up a ride to leave, and confirming that you have somewhere to go (ive witnessed staff hire taxis, and help people apply and get into shelters)

i dont say all this to scare you or keep you from volunteering yourself into a psych ward, just to warn you about things so that you dont have to be shocked by a totally new environment all at once like i was

everyones experience in psych wards is different, every place is different, i didnt cover psych wards for people under age 18, or gendered wards, or addiction recovery wards or otherwise specialized wards because i have no experience there

but despite the bad parts, my time in psych wards has seriously helped me, it kept me safe from myself when nothing else could, literally saving my life twice, it gave me very important med changes, and it gave me experience with other mentally ill people, like the older woman who told me "as mentally ill people we cant always trust our insticts" and other advice that has helped me

it may feel bleak, it may make you feel trapped, you may feel like you dont belong there, but the bottom line is this is place meant to help you, even if just in the most basic form of keeping you safe, housed, fed and properly medicated

and remember youre still a human, you still have rights, if anything unjust happens to you there you have every right to report it to the police

[purplethespian]

Waiting for Permission to Be Sick - Input Requested!

So, I got officially diagnosed with two chronic conditions last week. And the doctor explained to me the details of how these conditions affect my body, and what kinds of symptoms to look out for, and what I can expect life to look like going forward. And I got prescribed meds, and given detailed instructions for when to take them and any side effects I might experience and what to do to help myself feel better if I'm not feeling well, and all of that.

And I just. Haven't done it. I've started taking some of the meds, but not all of them, and like. There's no real reason for me not to? I'm just. Not doing it. Like I've looked up some products on Etsy to have like. Emergency medical info with me so that if I randomly black out or faint again in public, someone could see me and have info know what to do. And I've been looking at pins that say "I have an invisible disability" and aaaaaaaall sorts of stuff. Basically just window shopping for my chronic illness starter kit. But it's been over a week now and I haven't bought anything, and I seem to have convinced myself that I can't start taking my meds until I have all of my Items sorted out and prepared. And like -- there are some actual reasons for this, such as my schedule has been all over the place and my meds need to be taken at multiple times a day at certain intervals, and some with food and some without food, so I need to be able to have that stuff ready to go even when I'm out and about.

But I'm not. Actually doing the work to get everything sorted out and ready? I'm just window shopping. And today, I have been very tired all day because of the rain and because I did too much yesterday, and my head has been hurting because I'm still not over my concussion and I also probably did too much today, even though honestly all I did was go to one class and observe the whole time, and read a couple of emails. And I thought to myself, "well I guess I should take tylenol for my head, and I guess I can give myself permission to do that since my boyfriend is busy and can't tell me to take care of myself --- oh."

I have been waiting for someone to give me permission to identify as chronically ill! Even today I was like "I feel like I've managed to convince myself that I feel worse than I actually do, and I'm actually fine." Even though there would be no real reason for me to be doing that. And like. My head actually hurts! I really did and still do feel tired! And I've seen my test results, and I know that I have a chronic condition. It's been medically confirmed by a bunch of different tests, and multiple medical professionals have been like "yep you've got something wrong with you" (though using more professional and kind words, of course). All of this to say -- I have been waiting for someone to tell me that I am ill and it is chronic and that it is okay to spend money on taking care of myself and things that will make me feel better, even if it is only temporary like the excitement of buying a new pouch that says "This Bag Is Full of Drugs" specifically to keep my medical supplies in, or something to help keep me safe going forward like a medical alert key chain. The only question now is -- what do I do about this? How do I give myself permission to need help or extra accommodations or even just some medication when I never want to admit that I need or want help? I'm so used to being self-sufficient and doing everything by myself that I don't know how to be okay with more problems.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? What do you do? How do you learn to be okay with the fact that your body is not going to go back to the way it was before? I am only 22 and it's hard to accept that my life is not going to look the way I pictured it when I was 18.

[jynxeddraca]

Tav Moonridge Character sheet

So I went back to see how much needed to be done, turns out i just needed to tweak a couple things and presto! Background summary was going to go under a readmore but that option is not popping up for me.

Summary:

Daughter of a Iados, a leather worker, and Felicity, an animal handler, who moved to Baldur’s Gate when she was 3.  Her early life was filled with grief.  First her father being murdered for the sin of being a tiefling and her mother falling to the bottle to drown the never-ending grief of losing her husband.  Tav had to learn quick how to take care of herself and her mother at a young age – taking to pickpocketing to try to help make ends meets.

Her mother did eventually meet Euphony and they had her little sister Temerity.  Euphony was barely tolerated by Tav and considered Tav crabby, prickly, and grouchy – but taught her to play the lute and improved her pickpocketing skills.  After her younger sister was born, and without her mother's knowledge, Tav also learned how to use a knife, how and where to strike someone to get away quickly, how to plan escape routes quickly and silently, and what certain potions/drugs taste like (basically, what does date rape taste like). 

When her mother was killed over debts Euphony was nowhere to be found – leaving both her and Temerity (her sister) to an orphanage that let Temerity get near-lethally ill.  Putting her skills to the test, Tav managed to get them out of the orphanage and into less unpleasant homes.  There were still periods where they slept on the streets, but Tav was able to mostly keep a roof over their heads.

The next couple of years were marked by anger and bitterness.  Anyone who wasn't Temerity or a close friend was held at arms' length at best.  Tav played nice enough while busking or picking up shifts at whichever one of the many places she managed to talk her way into – but she was quick with sharp words backed by sharper teeth.  While she made certain Temerity always had a roof over her head, food in her belly, and school to go to – Tav was not so kind to herself, having long ago learned how to ignore hunger pangs and how many rocks a tiefling's stomach could digest before needing something more nutritious.   Even with her two friends trying to make sure she had things to eat, Tav refused to accept more than she felt they could comfortably offer and of that gave the lion's share to Temerity.

Eventually, she realizes she was becoming like all the adults that failed her and chose to help other urchins by letting them crash on her couch now and then and – when she could spare it – a hot meal.  Even if it simply meant some kid didn’t die of exposure in the winter, she realized that it was making a difference and managed to convince a few other former urchins to do the same.

As of the start of BG3 she is considered the de facto head of the ‘Network’ – a loosely organized, unofficial group of urchins and former urchins who offer safe spots to crash for the night or fill an empty belly.  Despite her turning over a new leaf to be a better person – she still takes absolute shit care of herself and focuses most of her attention on her sister who things she is overbearing and controlling.  When Temerity manages to get an apprenticeship with a leatherworker in town and considers getting her own place, Tav does not react amazingly to it.  Tav tries to convince her that she’s too young to be on her own and that she should focus on saving money or perhaps getting more schooling and it ends up in a massive fight and Temerity running off for a few days.

Which makes Tav frankly go insane with worry because no one that she knows seems to know where her sister went and Tav is acutely aware of just how dangerous the city can be.  When Temerity does finally show back up, she agrees to stay home on two conditions: 1) That Tav stops trying to act like her mother and instead acts like a sister and 2) trust her and give her space to do her own thing.

Tav agrees and attempts to be less codependent on her – by the time Tav is tadpoled their relationship is still strained because she has a difficult time simply being a sister to Temerity and not acting like a mother to her.

[mymoodwriting]

5.9k, yandere, manipulation, mind control, deceit, assault, torture, heist, guns, drugs, revelations, kidnapping, guns, character death (@xcharlottemikaelsonx)

“I… I can’t do this…”

     It wasn’t just the fact that you were staring down the man you had tried to hurt before, or the fact that you would have to dive into his head again, it was just you not trusting yourself. Taemin had always been patient with you, but even you were getting annoyed with yourself, so you could only imagine how he felt. He didn’t show it or anything, which made you more concerned. Or maybe he had more patience than you did.

“How about we take a break and try again later.” Taemin suggested. “You’re probably hungry.”

“Yeah…”

     Taemin went with you to get some food, and you were happy to see Taeyong there. You sat with him, and Taemin excused himself to attend to other things.

“How’s your training?”

“I think I’m improving? At least that’s what Taemin says.”

“Do you not think so?”

“I just… I don’t know if I can do what he’s asking.”

“Mind control?

“Yeah…”

“How come? It seems only natural that you should be able to do something like that.”

“But isn’t it… cruel… making people do things against their will…”

“You’re not necessarily making them do anything bad, are you? I can’t see you making someone hurt themselves or others.” 

“Then what could I do?”

“Make them stop hurting themselves or others. You’re seeing your powers only in a negative light because all you’ve seen yourself do is bad things, isn’t it? You never meant to hurt us before, and I know you wouldn’t mean to now.”

“Hmm…”

“Don’t be scared of your powers, and don’t push yourself too much, okay?”

“I’ll do my best. What about you though? How’s your training?”

“One day I’ll be as powerful as you.”

“Me?”

“Yes. Your powers are very cool.”

“So are yours. I can have all the Taeyong’s I want.”

“Aren’t you greedy?”

“Nothing wrong with that.”

     Taeyong stayed with you, doing his best to bring a smile to your face and ease your worries. You did feel better by the time Taemin came to get you, and you certainly had a different mindset too. Taeyong had been right, your powers could do bad things, but also good things, and it was up to you to decide how to use them. Although that meant gaining control, if you couldn’t control yourself, you could hurt people.

“So what exactly… do you want me to do?”

“Huh?”

“What do I make him do?”

“Anything really, that is what you’re capable of.” Taemin explained. “But I guess something simple for starters. Like make him dance to your favorite song.”

“Okay…”

     You still didn’t want to go back into that room, but you felt more determined this time. Your little test subject was tied up and gagged. You were safe, and all you had to do was make him dance. You took a deep breath and focused your thoughts. You thought of your favorite song, thinking of the dance that went along with it. You wanted to see it, you let the idea fill your head, and then thought of sharing it with your friend here. You could already share thoughts with other people, now it was about intentions. 

    You meant no harm, you just wanted something to be done, and in a sense you were asking, just somewhat removing the possibility of rejection. After a moment you saw your friend moving about. Of course their actions were limited but you were actually surprised. You could see the confusion in their eyes as well, but they were responding to what you wanted to do. Perhaps it wasn’t really something to be excited over, but you were. 

“Taemin… am… am I doing it?”

    Besides watching you, Taemin kept a close eye on the monitors he had reading your brainwaves and patterns. He was certainly detecting a change, and Baekhyun had already pulled up your other records to compare.

“It’s different for sure, but we’d need more than one sample to compare.”

“Obviously.” Taemin turned on the comms. “I think so. Why not try something else, maybe make him sing.”

“Sing?”

“Remove the gag, but make sure he doesn’t try anything before you do so.”

“Try anything?”

“If he’s dancing around at your request. I’m sure you can ask him to keep quiet and still.”

“Right…”

    You took a deep breath and refocused your thoughts, wanting him to sit still and relax. Once he stopped moving and you felt it was safe to do so, you reached over and removed the gag. He didn’t speak, which was a good first sign. You kept your thoughts focused and asked him to sing a song for you. Of course you didn’t say anything out loud, feeding him the words and watching in awe as he repeated, in a song voice too.

“Taemin, this is so cool!”

“You’re doing great.”

    Taemin glanced over at the screens, seeing the comparisons. There were minor differences which he could say were the result of different commands given, but overall he could see the base formation.

“Is this what you wanted?” Baekhyun asked. “What are you going to do now?”

“I need to run my own tests first…”

    Taemin didn’t realize that you had started asking questions. You were just asking out of curiosity and didn’t really mean harm by it, but he knew things could spiral in a bad direction if you continued.

“Do you have a family?”

“No.”

“How come?”

“My job wouldn’t allow it.”

“So you’re alone.”

“Yes.”

“Why? Is the job really worth that?”

“I didn’t have a choice.”

“You didn’t? What does that mean?”

“When you get involved with the Organization, you don’t get to leave alive.”

“You must know a lot of secrets…”

“I do.”

“Your job was to look after Taemin, right?”

“Yes.”

“What do you think of him?”

“He’s dangerous, and manipulative.”

“Is he trustworthy?”

“No.”

“Do you think I-”

    The door opening startled you a bit, but it was just Taemin. He offered you a smile and gagged your test subject.

“How do you feel?”

“Good. I did it right?”

“Yes. I’m quite impressed and proud. You should probably rest too, you just did something incredible and new.”

“I can’t wait to tell the others.”

“I’m sure they’ll be excited to hear too. Why don’t you go with Kai and find something sweet as a prize.”

“That sounds good.”

    Kai had been waiting by the door and you happily went along with him. Taemin waited a moment before shutting the door behind him, and taking a seat. He had brought a tablet with him, focusing on it for a moment.

“You know I can hear your thoughts right.” The subject grew stiff. “You’re freaking out cause it’s just me and you now. But you’re mostly concerned about her, because she’s with me.”

“…”

“Now you’re probably wondering how it is that I can read your mind. She can, that’s her power, but that’s not something I’m capable of. I’d agree with you, but given how far I was pushed, it is now something I am very capable of doing. So let’s run some tests, shall we. I’m going to remove this gag and I want you to tell me everything I want to know. I’ll know if you’re lying to me, but if this all goes well, you won’t be able to.”

❤

“Taeyong! I did it!”

    You were so overjoyed to see one of your boys, and you couldn’t contain your excitement. You had been running around looking for someone and found Taeyong in the gym. You didn’t care he was covered in sweat, just running up to him and hugging him.

“Woah, woah, where’s the party?”

“I did it! I used my powers like you said I could.”

“Oh, really? What did you do?”

“I had them dance and sing for me.”

“Wow, see, that’s not bad at all.”

“Taemin was so proud of me!”

“I am too. And I’m sure the others will be when they hear about this.”

“We should go find them and tell them.”

“I think they’re a bit busy, so we can let them know later.”

“Oh, okay.”

“How about I clean up first and then you can show me what you can do.”

“I don’t wanna use my powers on you…”

“You’re not gonna hurt me? Maybe just make me do a silly dance, right?”

“Still…”

“I trust you, and it’s important to practice, isn’t it.”

“Yes.”

“Alright then.”

    You were still nervous about using your powers, you only barely discovered your new powers, but Taeyong’s confidence and trust in you put you at ease. You found a quiet room for the both of you to use. At first you had Taeyong dance with you, having him follow your steps, and then sing nonsense. Although you weren’t entirely sure he wasn’t just amusing you.

“Taeyong…”

“Hm?”

“If I ask you to be honest with me… will you?”

“Of course. I wouldn’t lie to you.”

“Have you… lied to me before?”

“… I… why…”

“Answer me… please.”

“Why would you ask…” Taeyong was speaking through his teeth, feeling something in the back of his head telling him not to lie. “Y/n… what…”

“Something’s been… different lately… with you at least… and I want to know what.”

“Y/n…”

“I know you all want to keep me safe, but I hate being left out like this. I don’t want you guys keeping secrets or doing dangerous things because of me. I also don’t want to force an answer out of you, but if I can do that…”

“Stop it… you’re not like this…”

“Then just tell me without making me-”

“What’s going on here?”

    Taemin entering the room interrupted everything. Taeyong jumped to his feet, as did you, suddenly feeling shameful over your actions. You couldn’t even raise your head up.

“We were just practicing.” Taeyong explained. “She’s really improved a lot.”

“Ah, were you making him dance and sing too?”

“Yeah…”

“Why are you looking down though? Did you do something wrong?”

“I…”

“Nothing happened, we were just-”

“Quiet.”

“…”

“I was just practicing and might have gotten carried away…”

“Ah, I see. No one can lie to you anymore, power like that is tempting, isn’t it?”

“Yes…”

“So what is it you want to know?”

“Taeyong… is different… something…”

“Dangerous.”

“Huh?”

“I told you she would be dangerous.” Taemin commented, looking over at Taeyong. “Didn’t I?”

“Taemin, what-”

“Shall you use your power on me?”

“Uh…”

“Anything you want to know?”

“I can’t… my powers don’t work on you…”

“What powers?”

“Huh?”

    Taemin gently pet your head, smiling down at you. He seemed genuine, but there was something in his eyes you couldn’t quite make out.

“How fortunate of you to have such lovely boys around you, to look after you, and protect you.”

“I…”

“And now you have us as well.”

“Taemin… what…”

“Just breathe… this is for your own good.”

“Taemin…”

    You reached up to push Taemin away from you, your head getting fuzzy. This was an unfamiliar feeling, and you didn’t like it.

“Sh, just listen to my words. You know I speak the truth. I wouldn’t lie to you.”

“Tae…”

“Easy now, easy…”

“Taeyong! It hurts…”

“Taemin, what are you doing!” Taeyong got you away from him. “What the hell!”

“I told you what my plan was from the start. You agreed with me.”

“You’re hurting her!”

“And was she not causing you pain just now? Trying to pry whatever truth out of you.”

“That’s different!”

“Are you going back on your words now? Because I can send you back to your creator if you’d prefer that.”

“There has to be another-”

    Taeyong flew across the room, crashing against the wall and being held against it. He tried to move, but he was pinned. Even if you were out of it, you were vaguely aware of the confrontation. You wanted to go to Taeyong, but Taemin pulled your focus back to him, staring you down. You felt a pressure in your head, but it slowly began to ease up.

“We are all here to protect you. We were blessed with such gifts, and we use them for you. It’s fortunate you weren’t cursed the way we were, you get to remain perfect as you are.”

“Me…”

“You don’t have any powers to burden you.”

“I don’t… I don’t have any powers…”

“You have us. That’s all you need, right?”

“That’s all… I need…”

“You don’t have to worry about us. We’ve got you.”

“You’ve got me…”

“Why don’t you get some rest, it’s been a long day.”

“I do… I…” You yawned. “I’m tired…”

    Taemin pulled you into his arms, gently rubbing your back. He glanced over at Taeyong who was glaring daggers at him. He dropped the other, picking you up in his arms. Taeyong scrambled over to stop Taemin.

“So this was what you meant?”

“Did you think I was gonna drug her?”

“Just making her forget she has powers is gonna work? Seriously?”

“As long as no one brings it up. I’ll make sure things go well.”

“What if she finds out, or uses them by accident.”

“I do have something to make sure she doesn’t use her powers anyway. Now, get out of my way.”

“She’ll be fine, right?”

“Yes.”

“Do the others know yet?”

“I’ll inform them when I return. I need to deal with y/n and then something else. Keep an eye on her for me once she wakes. Is that manageable?”

“Yeah.”

“Good. Glad you’re still in my corner.”

❤

    Taeyong had been at your bed side, anxious. He felt guilty despite knowing he had done much worse himself. Still, he would just wait until you woke up and make sure you were still you. He remembered what you were like before all this nonsense, and this was a way for you to go back to all that. Taemin had been alone with you for a while before he was allowed to be with you. So he had no idea what else you had been told. As long as you were okay he could deal with whatever came next.

“Hm… Taeyong?”

“There you are… how do you feel?”

“Uh… my head is fuzzy, but I guess I slept more than I meant to.”

“Yeah, Taemin told me… where’s Taemin?”

“I believe he went out for a moment. He’ll be back soon.”

“Okay… and where are the others?”

“Busy. I’m sure they’re around somewhere.”

“Let’s go find them.”

“I think-”

    Before Taeyong could come up with some excuse you had gotten out of bed and were out the door. He quickly followed behind you, making sure you didn’t wander off and get lost. You still seemed to know your way around the base, and you didn’t seem completely lost. You were still yourself, as far as he knew, so he was glad about that.

“Ten!”

    You ran up to Ten when you saw him exit a room, embracing him in a hug. He was surprised to see you, but very happy as well.

“Y/n, hi, hi, what are you doing here?”

“I was just looking for you. Feels like forever since I’ve seen you all.”

“Cute, I feel the same.”

“How’s your training going? Taemin tells me you’ve all been doing well.”

“Of course, would you like to see?”

“Yes.”

    Ten led you down the hall where you saw a beautiful painting. You weren’t sure what he intended to show you since there was nothing else here.

“You were training in here?”

“Yup. I know it’s weird, but… I think it’s better to show you.”

    You watched as Ten put his hand on the painting, and it slowly began to fall apart. The colors melted off the canvas, the frame breaking apart. Your eyes went wide, somewhat horrified to see such a thing.

“What… how…”

“I know. I always thought my power was healing, but Taemin helped me realize it goes beyond that, it goes beyond what we thought was living.”

“But you didn’t… heal that painting… you destroyed it…”

“Not quite. I did heal it…”

“How?”

“Healing is like reversing time. When I’ve healed injuries before, I’ve stopped after a certain amount, but I could keep going… I could turn a flower back into a seed… and in this case… I’ve returned this painting to the basics. The canvas has been made blank again, the frame is back to the original wood it was, the colors are separate once again on the floor.”

“Oh…”

“It’s crazy, I know. I would never have imagined I could do something like this.”

“But can you put it back?”

“I wasn’t sure that was possible at first, but if my healing is really manipulating time, then it should go both ways. It seems impossible considering the paint on the floor, but even if I’ve deconstructed this all, all these pieces are connected.”

    Ten reached down and dipped his hands into the paint, mixing it all together again with his fingers. He then pressed his hand against the blank canvas, and slowly the color began to move on its own, what was left on the floor climbing up the wall and over the frame to return to where it once was, where it belonged. You watched this painting come back to life, restored to all its glory. Ten stepped back when he was done, looking at you with a smile.

“See.”

“Wow… that is pretty crazy.”

“And what about you? How’s your training?”

“Good. I bet I can take you in a fight.”

Ten chuckled. “I’m sure you could, but I meant the other training.”

“Other?”

    Taeyong had been quietly observing everything, well aware the conversation would eventually go down this path.

“Ten, there’s something we need to talk about.”

“What?”

“It’s complicated but-”

“Y/n, how’s your training with Taemin.”

“Ten!”

“He’s a good teacher. A lot of combat training.”

“That’s not what I’m talking about.”

“Huh?”

    Taeyong grabbed Ten and dragged him out of the room, leaving you confused, but that was probably for the best. He wound up taking the other into the nearest room over and locking the door behind him for good measures.

“Look, there’s something you need to know.”

“Is she messing with me or something?”

“It’s complicated.”

“You said that already so explain.”

“Just, listen, you’re not gonna like it.”

“Like what?”

“Y/n did it…”

“Did what? Can you just say it!”

“She figured out how to control other people.”

“So? What does that have to do with any of this?”

“She did it, and Taemin figured out how to do it too.”

“I’m sorry, what? Do it too? Are you saying Taemin can control people now?”

“Yes…”

“And… I…”

“Y/n’s untrained and undisciplined, so for her safety, and ours, he made her… forget…”

“Forget? Forget what?”

“That she has powers…”

“What?”

“It’s just a precaution and-”

“He used her own powers against her! To make her forget?!”

“She’s dangerous with mind control abilities, you know-”

“How! She’s not some monster or-”

“She was using her powers on me, Ten!”

“What?”

“She was interrogating me! What if I told her about what we did? How do you think she’d take that?”

“I… we can’t do this to her, it’s not fair.”

“It’s for her own sake. How are any of us supposed to handle someone with mind control powers? When we all have secrets to keep from her.”

“But why does he make that call? He told none of us about this! But you… you knew, didn’t you?”

“I…”

“He told you his plan from the start and you said nothing! You went along with it!”

“It’s for all our benefits!”

“How! What about her?”

“She’s fine, she’s safe.”

“Where the hell is Taemin, I need to talk to him.”

“He went out on a mission.”

“Then I know where he’ll be when he returns.”

❤

“That was a disaster.”

“The mission was a success.” Baekhyun countered. “We were in and out without-”

“It could have gone a lot better.” Kai said. “We got lucky this mission was simple, but we can’t possibly do something bigger like this.”

“But-”

“He’s right, Baekhyun.” Taemin interrupted. “I can’t do both, let alone when one is just an imitation. Trying to control multiple minds, while being able to watch my back and yours, it’s too much.”

“So then… that means we need her…”

“Yes.”

“The agreement was she wouldn’t be on the field.” Kai reminded. “That’s what you promised them.”

“Not like they can argue with me anymore.”

“You took care of it before we left?”

“To a degree.”

“Of course you did.”

“I need a few hours to recover, but we need to move fast. I want a plan ready within the hour, incorporating every asset we have.”

“Does that include-”

“Yes.”

“Okay.”

“They won’t be happy.” Baekhyun added. “You know that.”

“They don’t really need to know.”

“Right.”

    The three went their separate ways, Taemin heading to his office. As soon as he opened the door he found Ten sitting on his desk, glaring. He was gone for a good amount of time, and this attitude was expected.

“Where is y/n?”

“Fine. I didn’t pry into what you did to her.” Ten hissed. “Now explain yourself, what the fuck were you thinking!”

Taemin scoffed. “You have a lot of nerve talking to me that way.”

“You going to force me to bend the knee like you did her? Like Taeyong?”

“Just like you, Taeyong, knows my intentions from the start. He’s on my side, what about you?”

“Why didn’t you tell me about your plans with y/n? Unless you don’t trust me.”

“Apologies, but I never could truly trust you. Your priorities lie with your brothers and protecting y/n, my plans go beyond that.”

“Which is why you’ve been torturing us all?”

“Helping you. Do you think your powers would be at their level without me?”

“What about the others?”

“I’ve given Mark some words of motivation. Do I need to give them to you?”

“Are you threatening me?”

“Yes. I don’t have much time to build trust with all of you at the moment. It’s much easier to have you think for yourself and not be programmed like some machine, but I don’t have time to argue. Now are you on my side, or not.”

“She’ll be safe, right?”

“Of course.”

“And you do intend to undo what you’ve done at some point, right?”

“When the time comes.”

“… if she gets hurt, we’re done, and you’re dead.”

“I’ll keep you to your words.”

    Ten got up, still glaring at Taemin. He couldn’t really trust him, not anymore, but if he wanted to keep his mind he’d have to play along.

“By the way.” Taemin added. “We’ll all be going out on a mission later, so I’ll see you at the brief.”

“Sure.”

❤

    Of course now would be the time they’d all actually work together, when mostly everyone was under Taemin’s control, to a degree or another. Still, there wasn’t much Ten could do to oppose him, not now anyway. The mission was kind of like a heist, their specialty. The building they were hitting, on the outside seemed like a normal business office, but was actually a secret headquarters of the organization. It was intel they had just received, and they had to move fast before they lost their chance. The plan was to break in, get their hands on confidential intel and get out.

    Because of the time crunch proper recon couldn’t be done, so they’d be approaching the building, gathering information, and executing their plan. They had a rough idea on how things would go, given Taemin and his boys’ knowledge, but it was best to believe it was outdated. Normally a plan like this was dangerous, but this time around there were two exit strategies in play, so it wouldn’t be so difficult. Ten and his boys would be in charge of dealing with the people in the building, the other three would get the intel.

    Even with a rather hollow plan, it was one nonetheless. After the brief they made their way out, and Ten could finally take a good look at his brothers. Taeyong was the same, more or less, but he could definitely tell something was off when it came to Mark. A slight dim in his eyes, how intently he’d been listening to Taemin, and how quiet he was compared to before. Ten would keep his mouth shut for now. The first part of recon involved figuring out the layout of the building, and finding a good entry point.

    With that a better plan of action was set out, and the heist began. Upon arrival, Kai managed to disable the security system. The whole building was on high alert now, but without visuals, they didn’t really know what they were up against. Now they split off into their separate groups. At most thirty minutes would be needed, maybe an hour. The hard part was getting the information, but once they had that it’d be easy to leave, so it was a matter of maintaining their control of the building until then. It wasn’t what they usually did, but they could deal with whoever got in their way.

“Ten.”

“Hm?”

“I need to tell you something.”

“What now? More secrets to divulge?”

“Ten, I’m being serious and you need to listen to me.”

“Okay, what?”

“I’m not Taeyong.”

“What!”

“I don’t have time to explain, but I’m just a copy of him.”

“A copy… what? How?”

“Taemin’s training but that’s not-”

“Where’s the real Taeyong? The original?”

“Somewhere back in the base, he’s fine.”

“How long?”

“That doesn’t-”

“How long!?”

“Y/n’s here!”

“Wa… what?”

“You think coming to a big place like this, to gather a lot of intel, will work if Taemin is mimicking her powers?”

“I… are you sure?”

“I saw her earlier… and I overheard Taemin talking too… giving her orders…”

“That motherfucker. The deal was-”

“Ten.” Taeyong grabbed the other. “This is your chance, get y/n and the others, and get out.”

“Huh?”

“If Taemin gets what he wants, then what’s the use in the rest of us? Everything he’s done has been because of y/n. Heck, he could abandon us all today.”

“What about you? The real Taeyong?”

“We could deal with whatever as long as y/n’s okay. You need to get her and get away.”

“But Mark-”

“Snap him out of it. Taemin mimics her powers, they can’t be as strong, and if not, as long as we get Mark back we can go wherever.”

“Fuck…”

“I can cause a distraction, get y/n, and get her out.”

    This was a lot to process, but you being in danger was enough motivation to get his head on straight. First he needed to figure out where you were, and Taeyong said he’d look into that, given that at the moment he was more trustworthy than Ten. Meanwhile Ten found Mark, immediately shoving him into a room and slapping him.

“I don’t know what Taemin told you, but snap out of it.”

    It may have taken a few physical actions, but Ten managed to get his old Mark back to himself. There wasn’t much time to explain, especially since Ten didn’t fully grasp the situation, but saving you made sense. Now it was a matter of waiting on Taeyong with the information, at least that was the plan. When Taeyong found them again the lights went red, the building now entering lock down.

“What the hell is going on?” Ten asked.

“They know.”

“What?”

“The Organization knows we are here. They’ll be sending special reinforcements to deal with us specifically.”

“And y/n is here. Where is she? We need to leave, now.”

“Taemin is not leaving without what he came for.”

“He’s putting her in danger! Where is he!”

    Ten didn’t wait for an answer, running down the way Taeyong came. This wasn’t his mission, this wasn’t something he was going to risk anyone’s life for, especially yours. Taeyong shouted directions, and soon enough they found you and the others.

“Ten, how fit-”

“Liar!”

    Ten immediately went in for a punch, but Taemin stopped him, knocking him against the wall and pinning him there. He saw Taeyong and Mark enter soon after.

“I see I can’t trust anyone.”

“We need to leave.” Taeyong said. “You know they’re coming, and they have the means to take us down.”

“We’re close.”

“And what about y/n!” Mark yelled. “What are you doing with her!”

“She’s fine.”

“Bullshit.”

“You don’t-”

    Ten suddenly collapsed to the floor. He quickly got up, finishing what he started, landing a blow on Taemin. Although the other didn’t seem to care, looking down at his hands and then at his partners.

“They’re here.” Kai hissed. “And they’ve already blocked us.”

“Y/n.”

    A moment after that all seemed to register, you collapsed to your knees screaming. With Taemin’s powers gone, it meant his mimicry was gone too. You grabbed your head, everything hidden hitting you all at once. Taemin tried to reach you, but Ten shoved him away, Taeyong coming to your side.

“Y/n, deep breaths, just breath. It’s-”

“Get away from me.”

    You pushed Taeyong back, looking around at everyone in the room and stepping back. You didn’t know who to believe anymore, or what was real. Everything was foreign to you, and you knew you needed space. You ran towards the nearest door and bolted down the hall. You could hear their voices chasing after you, but you focused more on your own feelings, trying to see through the tears. You felt more alone than ever in the moment, losing the trust with the only people you ever cared for. You kept running without thinking, rounding a corner and coming face to face with a group of armed men. They did not hesitate to shoot, a bullet grazing your head as you ducked out of the way.

    You caught your breath for a moment, feeling the blood dripping down your face. They would kill you if they found you, but then you remembered you weren’t completely helpless, not anymore. As you heard them approach you took a deep breath, then you revealed yourself and ordered them all to put their weapons down. They listened without hesitation, and you felt relieved, realizing maybe you could get out of this place on your own. Although the thought didn’t last long before the boys found you.

“Y/n!”

“Stop!”

“Please… please just listen to us.” Ten pleaded. “We-”

“Shut up! I don’t know what any of you are doing anymore! I don’t… I don’t even know you…”

“Let us explain. You know we can do it without lying…”

“Yeah, but I don’t wanna hear it right now.”

“Y/n, we need to leave this place now.” Taemin explained. “If they-”

“Quiet… you… you…”

    Taemin immediately lost his voice, and he knew there wasn’t time for this. He glanced over at Kai and nodded at him. You didn’t really know what any of that meant, all you knew was that Kai said something about a fail safe, and then the necklace you had, which you hadn’t realized, electrocuted you. It wasn’t enough to knock you out, but you collapsed to the ground, screaming and then dizzy from the whole ordeal. That was enough for the others to regain their sense.

“Taemin, what the hell!”

“Grab her and let’s leave. Mark you-”

     Gunfire startled them all, realizing they were being surrounded. You were grabbed by some men, being dragged off. Taeyong ran after you, separating himself from the group. Things had gotten bad, and fast. Either they escaped, or they’d all lose. Taemin yelled at Mark once more, startling the boy into creating their exit portal. Baekhyun grabbed Ten, going through the portal. Kai was waiting for Taemin, but his eyes were focused on you and Taeyong. The both of you were out of reach, so Taemin had to make a choice. He quickly managed to get a gun from a guard passed out near him, shooting at Taeyong, before grabbing Mark and Kai and getting them both through the portal. Taemin kept his gun aimed at the portal until it closed, dropping the weapon and then falling to his knees, catching his breath.

“… y/n…” Mark was in disbelief. “What did you do! We have to-”

“You are forbidden to use your powers.” Taemin ordered, having his own powers back now. “Understand.”

“Yes.”

“Kai, get us back to our place.”

“All of us?”

“Yes.”

“Hold on.” Ten yelled. “What the fuck was that back there? You said y/n wouldn’t be in danger, and yet you-”

“She was not in any danger! The cameras were down, Kai and Baekhyun were with me as well. All three of us-”

“You promised!”

“With Baekyhun there, no one would even perceive her presence. And Kai made sure she’d be taken somewhere safe the second her job was done.”

“That’s not the point! She was not meant to be on the field, you promised me!”

“You coddle her too much.”

“And now look where we are! She’s fucken gone! She’s… she’s gone…”

“You shot Taeyong…” Mark mumbled. “You shot…”

“I’m sorry what?”

“That wasn’t the real Taeyong anyway.”

“I thought y/n had him but you fucken-”

“Not the real Taeyong, and it’s better no one is with her.”

“You fucken liar.” Ten growled. “Ever since we met you’ve lied. You’ve hurt y/n, you’ve hurt us. And now you basically handed her over to that organization. Do you really think we’ll trust anything you say? If not for you, we’d all be with her right now!”

“And then what?” Taemin spat back. “What do you think will happen next? They’re gonna do to her what they did to me and my boys. If any of us, if any of you, were there, they’d use you against her. Torture you and hurt you just to make her push herself. Making sure none of us got taken was a mercy.”

“You’re fucken delusional if you believe that.”

“Look in the mirror first and realize this was your mess. I should have done this without any of you. I should have taken her from you instead of inviting you all along. You’ve proven to be completely useless.”

“Try that then. See if you can take us.”

“Have you forgotten what happened on the train? And that I have no issue making all of you bend the knee right now.” Taemin sighed. “Kai, to our base. I need to speak with Taeyong. The original that is.”

“What about y/n?” Mark asked. “Are we just supposed to leave her?”

“It hasn’t hit you has it? She’s gone, because of you. I asked for your trust, even if I couldn’t trust you back. She is everything that damn organization wants, and now they have her. So she’s gone, they’ll happily sacrifice anyone to keep her.”

“We have to rescue her!”

“Well, I have intel to go over, see if any of that gives us answers, but don’t get your hopes up. They have what they’ve always wanted. They’re gonna break her, like they did me, and that takes time. Will we rescue her? I will, I promise you that, but don’t expect it to be anytime soon. She’s gonna be locked up tight.”

“You… you…”

“Enough! Kai, take us home. I’ve had enough of these children.”

(Previous // Next)

[elvesandlanterns]

Ghost helpline part 14 New Meetings and New Beginings

Vlad knew three things about Bruce Wayne; he was a playboy, a philanthropist and loved kids. Oh and he was utterly ditzy, kind but dumb. As his kids would say a “himbo”. Vlad relaxed as he scuttled about the kitchen and platted them both up some lasagna.

He briefly wondered where Red, Jack he should get use to calling him Jack, had gone as he walked into the living room and saw the Wayne stare at the television. He had been in the middle of his latest k-drama when the door rang. The drunk looked inthralled with the show, turning to Vlad with a dopey smile. Vlad past him the plate of food before explaining where they were in the plot.

A part of him felt his scars itch as if to remind him of his mistakes. Don’t trust humans, don’t get too close. But as hard as it was to admit, he was lonely and even if they had hurt him he missed them.

Vlad wrapped his robe around him tight.

This was fine, Bruce Wayne was harmless anyways.

—- —- —-

Jack will admit to this not being his best idea, but the blob ghost had informed him that Violet was sick. Nothing major but … still. Jack wanted no needed to help.

He helped the family move in, using his speed as discreetly as possible. He hid in the kitchen and tested the Masters neighbors cookies for poison. There wasn’t any. He went to help but Violet wasn’t there.

But now he could help, there were vampires in Gotham. If he followed the direction to Bludhaven right he should come across a patch of flowers. A fever reducing potion should be easy to make from there.

There were vampires in Gotham so Jack really couldn’t be blamed for assuming he’d never run into a were wolf here.

- Aqualad patrolled Bludhaven as he waited for Nightwing, they had a case to work on. Nightwing is late but that isn’t anything new. He’s texting the acrobat about it when he spots her. It’s hard not to look, especially in a place a dreary as Bludhaven.

She has fine red hair cascading down her back. Her outfit is entirely pink. Like really pink, right down to the platform shoes. The mysterious girl is deathly pale clutching a bedazzled phone for dear life. It’s almost as if she is looking for something. Kaldur feels bad chances are she’s lost. The Atlantian turns around and heads off to meet the Nightwing anyway.

—- —- —-

Boston left Zatanna and John to their bickering, he already knew where they would go to get information. A seedy pub, or illegal trading ring maybe they’d even go some fancy library but Boston knew where the real action was at.

He flew off to Fawcett City.

The door chimed as he walked into the store, the door reading “Mystic Hannas Hair Salon: We’ll change your look like Magic!” Ah it was good to be home.

—- —- —-

Harley is delivering Ivys latest stash of drugs to Penguin when she feels a shadow come from an alley. Which can’t be right. The bats know better than to get that close to a target. She bends down to scratch her new pets ear. (Pan had been getting creative lately.) Taking advantage of her spot on the ground she looked at the alley until something came out. Oh a girl. A girl with violet eyes… fuck what was a meta kid doing out here by herself? Looking closer she was covered in something too. Gross.

Violet stared at the blond woman from across the street. She had a cute little celery dog, it reminded the demon of Auntie Sam. It oozed the magic of the green, so that was probably a good sign right?

“Hey what are you waiting for an invitation get over here!”

Violet smiled, it would seem that she had passed whatever this lady’s test was. She had been stared at and not found lacking, that was a first. It felt nice.

Harley could not believe someone would just let their meta kid run around Gotham. Especially near the Ice Berge Lounge. Her little celery dog seemed to like her tho tugging on their leash to get closer, wagging its tail in glee as the girl trotted across the street like a new born foal. And that was concerning, a good sign that celery dog liked her, she was actually coming over here? Just because she’d asked? What the fuck? Did the kid want to get murdered? Because that’s how you get murdered in Gotham!

Harley squared her shoulders and opened the door to the empty pub, “Come on in, let me charge my phone so you can call someone to pick you up okay?” God Harley hoped she wasn’t a runaway. Well then looks like it was up to Auntie Harley to teach the new kid the rules of Gotham, it could be her good deed of the year she thought.

Celery Dog rubbed itself against the girls legs, “Well hello little one, aren’t you just marvelous.” Her voice was small and quiet. Celery Dog sprouted little flowers at the compliment, which wtf? Did celery even come from flowers? She was so going to have to tell Pammy about this. This kid was interesting.

—- —- —-

Dandelion “Dandy” Masters was pissed. What was meant to be a short trip to pick up his sister was slowly but surely becoming a disaster. They missed several turns, blew two tires, somehow ran out of gas and now, now they were lost!

Charles got out of the car and held his cellphone out looking for bars, “Oh snickerdoodles I got like no reception.”

Dandy sighed, “Hand me your mirror.” None of the clones, aside from Alcor, had shown any affinity for magic. Dandy hated using mirror phones the most, he considered it a waste of magic crystals.

Charles leaned over his brothers shoulder, “Dandy… why the fuck are we in Rhode Island?”

Dandelion zoomed out into the distance of the mirror, “Welcome to Happy Harbor”, he wasn’t entirely sure how but he knew this was all Klarions fault.

—- —- —-

Bruce sat him self on the man’s couch being served his own butlers pasta on a paper plate.

Paper plates, plastic forks, no cameras.

He scans the room as the TV plays a sappy romance show.

Pictures, pillows, art projects litter the area.

Vlad rewinds the show to read the subtitles, again. “The subtitles are wrong, what he actually said was ‘I won’t leave you’.”

The man’s eyes positively lit up at him, “You know Korean!”

“Yes I know multiple languages actually.”

Something about the way he said it must have come out wrong because shorter man shuffles back from him.

“Sorry I didn’t mean it like that, I’m just really tired of that being so surprising to people.” And it wasn’t a lie exactly he knew how important his Brucie person was but sometimes…

“Oh. Does that happen a lot?”

“Does it matter?”

Vlad shuffled away from him again. Bruce feels like an idiot.

“It does, did did that happen today? Butter biscuits is that why you came over drunk?”

Drunk ? He wasn’t, oh right. Bruce Wayne is a notorious party animal. A notorious party animal that just invited himself in to the man’s home. A man that is three inches shorter than him and probably weighs a hundred pounds less. Bruce feels like an absolute asshole.

Think! Bruce think! Say something!

“So tell me about your kids?”

Vlad’s responding smile takes the weight off the bats shoulders.

—- —- —-

Aqualad and Kightwing are investigating a potential Vampire Fog death when they hear a howl. The heroes looked at each other, wolves aren’t native to the area?

They are outside of the building as quick as possible immediately spotting a blur of pink. Dick almost assumed it had to be a speedster before it stopped suddenly. Her eyes connected to Aqualads, arm scratched bleeding red pupils blown wide. Kaldur saw their fangs last, bracing himself as the creature rushed forward!!

… and hid behind him, “Sanctuary! Please sanctuary!” A not so girlish voice rang out at the same time a mammoth creature of hair and claws rounded the corner braking the edge of the building.

Jack closed his eyes, he knew the stories of the King of Atlantis. That he deeply cared for all his subjects, if any of them got hurt on land there would be hell to pay. On top of that all Atlantians were warriors, Jack was a home maker.

Jack wanted to see Violet again more than he cared to keep his pride. He kneeled behind the dark skinned, handsome ocean native and plead.

“Please Atlantian help me.”

Notes

In this Vlad is 6’ and 170lbs

Batman is 6’ 4 and 250 (internet said 210 I looked my self in the mirror and laughed so 🤷‍♀️ 259 it is)

Violet = Konstelacio

Red = Jack, yes he is a vampire.

Jack is a tall boy, he dresses very Kawaii and loves to cook and clean and take care of people. He can make potions and tinkers in mechanics.

Aqualad doesn’t mean to misgender Jack- to be fair he is wearing a dress. 🤷

[monowires]

i was tagged by @spacebunshep and i’m doing this for my current muse, aka john shepard, the man that lives in my head rent free

tagging @whirrlinginrags @urdnotflexthejedibard @pastelroyce @faepunkprince and anyone else who wants to do it !!!

EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE (trigger warning for sensitive topics below the readmore)

bold is always; italics is situational; bold and italics is something situational that occurred multiple times in different ways

been cheated on | been bullied | had their heart broken | broke someone else’s heart | told a horrible lie | been betrayed | been framed/set up | stolen something of value | overdosed on drugs | been drunk | cheated on a test | cheated on an SO | bullied another | been publicly humiliated | punched someone in the face | been beaten up | broken a bone | been admitted to hospital | put someone else in the hospital | had a near death experience | been drugged | done drugs | smoked | been arrested | been homeless | been forced to commit a crime | died and came back to life | kissed someone they weren’t attracted to | bled severely | killed someone | been forced to kill someone | had an attempt on their life | made an attempt on their own life | lost someone | loved someone | watched a loved one die | failed to save a loved one | felt helpless | watched their world die/disappear | had their life’s work stolen/destroyed | gone without food for a significant time | gone without sleep for a significant time | been questioned | been tortured | been shot | been stabbed | been poisoned | been held prisoner | been trapped | been buried alive | been held hostage | held someone else hostage | been stuck in a different universe/world/time | been abused by someone who should have loved them | had a panic attack | had night terrors | been in a vehicle accident | lost their job | lost a fight | had sex with a stranger | been divorced | been abandoned | passed out from pain | cried themselves to sleep | spent a whole day in bed | hurt themselves | taken their anger out on themselves | taken their anger out on someone they love | been used | been manipulated | felt used | manipulated someone else | had their memories manipulated | been terrified | played a cruel joke on someone | been forced to smile | felt too many things at once | laughed then they felt like crying | been in denial | been denied | faced their demons

[commander-krios]

Emotional Baggage

I was tagged by @spacebunshep to do this meme, so here it goes.

I'm not tagging anyone specifically, but if you want to do this, go for it.

Trigger Warning!!

Bold is definitely or always, italics is somewhat or situational.

Charley Shepard

been cheated on | been bullied | had their heart broken | broke someone else’s heart | told a horrible lie | been betrayed | been framed/set up | stolen something of value | overdosed on drugs | been drunk | cheated on a test | cheated on an SO | bullied another | been publicly humiliated | punched someone in the face | been beaten up | broken a bone | been admitted to hospital | put someone else in the hospital | had a near death experience | been drugged | done drugs | smoked | been arrested | been homeless | been forced to commit a crime | died and came back to life | kissed someone they weren’t attracted to | bled severely | killed someone | been forced to kill someone | had an attempt on their life | made an attempt on their own life | lost someone | loved someone | watched a loved one die | failed to save a loved one | felt helpless | watched their world die/disappear | had their life’s work stolen/destroyed | gone without food for a significant time | gone without sleep for a significant time | been questioned | been tortured | been shot | been stabbed | been poisoned | been held prisoner | been trapped | been buried alive | been held hostage | held someone else hostage | been stuck in a different universe/world/time | been abused by someone who should have loved them | had a panic attack | had night terrors | been in a vehicle accident | lost their job | lost a fight | had sex with a stranger | been divorced | been abandoned | passed out from pain | cried themselves to sleep | spent a whole day in bed | hurt themselves | taken their anger out on themselves | taken their anger out on someone they love | been used | been manipulated | felt used | manipulated someone else | had their memories manipulated | been terrified | played a cruel joke on someone | been forced to smile | felt too many things at once | laughed when they felt like crying | been in denial | been denied | faced their demons

[cr-noble-writes]

Emotional Baggage

I stole this from @monowires because I thought it would be fun to make myself sad on a Sunday haha.

tagging @waidwn @imbiowaresbitch @nickelkeep @scribblesdg and @theoriginalladya and anyone else who wants to do the thing

Trigger Warning for sensitive topics below the cut.

Alex Shepard

bold is always; italics is situational; bold and italics is something situational that occurred multiple times in different ways

been cheated on | been bullied | had their heart broken | broke someone else’s heart | told a horrible lie | been betrayed | been framed/set up | stolen something of value | overdosed on drugs | been drunk | cheated on a test | cheated on an SO | bullied another | been publicly humiliated | punched someone in the face | been beaten up | broken a bone | been admitted to hospital | put someone else in the hospital | had a near death experience | been drugged | done drugs | smoked | been arrested | been homeless | been forced to commit a crime | died and came back to life | kissed someone they weren’t attracted to | bled severely | killed someone | been forced to kill someone | had an attempt on their life | made an attempt on their own life | lost someone | loved someone | watched a loved one die | failed to save a loved one | felt helpless | watched their world die/disappear | had their life’s work stolen/destroyed | gone without food for a significant time | gone without sleep for a significant time | been questioned | been tortured | been shot | been stabbed | been poisoned | been held prisoner | been trapped | been buried alive | been held hostage | held someone else hostage | been stuck in a different universe/world/time | been abused by someone who should have loved them | had a panic attack | had night terrors | been in a vehicle accident | lost their job | lost a fight | had sex with a stranger | been divorced | been abandoned | passed out from pain | cried themselves to sleep | spent a whole day in bed | hurt themselves | taken their anger out on themselves | taken their anger out on someone they love | been used | been manipulated | felt used | manipulated someone else | had their memories manipulated | been terrified | played a cruel joke on someone | been forced to smile | felt too many things at once | laughed then they felt like crying | been in denial | been denied | faced their demons

[alyjojo]

Advice to Work on Yourself 🪁 in June 2023: Aquarius

The Hermit - 4 Pentacles - The Hierophant

Regarding: 3 Pentacles rev

Very cut and dry reading this month. At some point, temptation will walk through the door in the form of flirtation or a love offer. The repeated advice is to not give this a second of your time, don’t cooperate, don’t message back, pull out your ghosting 👻 skills and use them. With The Hierophant here, either you’re already in a committed relationship, or they are and you just don’t know that. The High Priestess with The Moon shows secrets and confusion, your intuition will be firing off on all cylinders and you probably don’t need me to tell you. You’ll smell something fishy going on. But in the case you do, this validates that, it is.

The Hermit shows someone being alone, I assume you, and this other person is probably the one involved in something. Could be switched though. Could be an ex, Filippo nods towards that. Messages could fly in impulsively from nowhere, they’re probably meant to knock you off your rocker and get you all up in your head. 4 Pentacles is resistance, keeping a tight hold of what you have (if you do), and if you don’t then there are some levels of standards that you expect won’t be met with this person, who has some sneaky intentions or murky bs going on in the background. You seem perfectly content and stable where you are, and this other person gets no second chances, Judgement rev. I honestly get you don’t even want to, but 2 Wands does show you at crossroads and it’s probably a situation you can’t just spill to friends or anything. Your gut is on point with what it’s telling you, just listen to it.

Animal Oracle: Snow Leopard 🐆

“Take some time out of your usual life and spend it in solitude.”

It can be difficult to spend time in solitude these days, to unplug from electronics and get into nature, or off by yourself, if only for a few hours. Although you may feel anxious or restless when you first do this, you’ll relax. Use this time for contemplation and meditation, it’s not isolation, it’s solitude. If possible, take a full day off to yourself, and do whatever you want to do. Enjoy the feeling of sacred space around you in solitude, and know you’re never alone.

Artist Oracle: FILIPPO MARINETTI

- Forward march. Looking backward ensures a broken neck.

- Your art should wage war.

- The only constant will always be contradiction.

Advice:

- Declutter Your Space

- Make Smiles Contagious

Charms:

Acorn 🌰 on The Hierophant is an energy of gathering, so for this it would be like a list of requirements for you to take someone seriously enough to actually commit to. Kind of like a vetting process, an “are you full of shit?” test of some kind. This indicates you definitely know what you want and this person does not tick the boxes. If you are alone, which The Hermit indicates, don’t be with someone you don’t even want just to not be alone.

Angel Wing 👼 on The Devil is triumph over temptation, doing the right thing. With this and The Hierophant, you could have deep spiritual beliefs, and maybe this person doesn’t, or the situation itself goes against everything you stand for morally, religion or not. Aquarius does not tend to compromise their personal values…whatever those are. For this reading it’s looking like religion & beliefs, but it could apply to many things with The Devil. Food, vices & substances, old behaviors, negative thinking, etc. and it’s connected to romance. This could even be within a committed relationship, if your person is suggesting drugs or something you don’t believe in, could be that too. Say no 🙏

Treble Clef 🎼 on Make Smiles Contagious is lighthearted fun with music, you could be playing music, singing, going to concerts, or even musicals. Something uplifting makes you feel good, and you won’t need whatever this “tempting” thing is to fill your own cup so to speak. Spend more time with people that make you smile and don’t make you question your own personal morals in the meantime, or try to convince you, gatekeep, manipulate, etc. That’s not an authentic connection anyway. Music is a great example of that, just do you 🧡

[uncloseted]

Sorry for weird question, but is there a safe way to do c0ke ?

No worries! I think I've actually answered this before.

"Safe" is a relative term when it comes to doing drugs, since no drug is 100% safe. But on the scale of safe to dangerous, cocaine is on the more dangerous side (apologies that the chart is a bit old, but it’s the only one I could find that laid it out in an easy-to-understand format).  If you want to experiment with drugs, you’d be better off trying hallucinogens or MDMA, which have a lower potential for addiction and adverse effects. 

If you’re interested in trying cocaine as a way to escape a problem in your life (including, but not limited to, anxiety and depression), you’re at a much higher risk for addiction than if you’re doing drugs recreationally at a party.  If you find yourself engaging in perfectionistic, compulsive, or addictive behavior when it comes to other things (school/work, video games, food, caffeine), you’re at a higher risk for addiction.  If you have family members who are addicts, you’re at a higher risk for addiction.  If you have any type of heart of vascular condition, cocaine (and MDMA) are ones to skip, since they increase heart rate and blood pressure.

A few harm reduction type things you should keep in mind when doing any drugs:

- Know what you’re getting.  Some drugs look like one thing but turn out to be another or turn out to be laced with something else.  You can get testing kits online that can help you figure out if the drug you were sold is what you think it is or not.

- Have a sober companion. Having someone around who’s in a sober state can help to prevent anything really bad from happening.

- Don’t mix. Combining drugs can increase risk to your system, and so can mixing drugs with alcohol.  In this case, “combining” is taking any drug/medication/alcohol up to 24 hours before another drug. This includes any prescription medication you might be taking.  SSRIs, anti-depressants, and anti-anxiety medications commonly have interactions with other drugs, so you have to be careful.  It also includes any supplements you might take.  For cocaine in particular, avoid mixing with other stimulants (like MDMA/ecstasy) since it magnifies the vascular impact, alcohol, MAOI antidepressants, the anticonvulsant carbamazepine, lithium, SSRIs (may cause brain haemorrhage), and the atypical antipsychotic risperidone.

- Go slow and know your dose. Make sure to research the correct dosing for any drug you might be thinking about taking, and then take less of it than is recommended.  You can always take more if you’re not feeling an effect, but you can’t take less.  Also make sure that you’re taking the right dose for you.  Body weight, height, and gender can impact how drugs are metabolized in our systems, and so what works for your friend may be too much for you (although some drugs, like hallucinogens, are not weight dependent).  Don’t try to compete with other people to see who can do the most.  Along with that, it’s important to know how long the drug takes to “hit”.  Sometimes people fall into the trap of waiting a few minutes, deciding the dose they took isn’t going to do anything, and then take more, which results in them having too much of the drug in their system.  Again, it’s important to go slow.  Take more time than you think you might need before taking another dose.

- Write everything you’ve taken down and never lie to paramedics. In the event that things do go south, you want to be able to tell the paramedics everything you’ve taken, in what doses, and how long ago so that they can treat you.  Paramedics will not report you to the authorities for taking illegal drugs; they just want to treat you.  If you’re ever in a situation where someone is having a bad reaction to a drug or overdosing, call the paramedics. You won’t get in trouble and you can save a life.  

- Do it somewhere safe, and give yourself time. Preferably in a house, without a ton of dangerous items around, where you are unlikely to encounter the police or disapproving adults.  Whether or not you agree with it, in most countries doing drugs is illegal, and you don’t want a court case on your hands.  Drug addiction ruins lives, but so does being arrested for drug possession (in the US, at least), and being arrested happens more frequently.  You also want this environment to be one in which you feel relaxed and where nothing disturbing or scary is likely to happen.  You also want to make sure that there are no time pressures on you for more than the duration of the drug- clear at least your entire day just in case.

For cocaine in particular, here are some harm reduction tips to keep in mind:

- Take care of your nose. Dilute it with water before snorting and rinse your nose with water after, insert the straw deeper into your nasal passage so that the powder doesn’t get stuck in your nose hairs, alternate nostrils, and make sure that the cocaine is chopped into a fine powder.  Use a straw instead of a dollar bill, and don’t share it with others. With too much usage, cocaine can create damage to your nasal tissue, so you want to be careful. 

- Know the signs of overdose. These include blue or extremely pale face, difficulty breathing, vomiting, foaming at the mouth, seizures, and chest pain.

Ultimately, whether you want to try it or not is up to you.  Just be aware of the risks and take precautions so that you’re as safe as possible.  Will you be fine if you don’t do any of the things I suggested? Maybe. But I’d hate for you to get into a bad situation that was easily preventable.

Also, on a total side note, there's no reason to use leetspeak on Tumblr. There's nothing to demonetize here and Tumblr's search function is so terrible that even if it wanted to ban everyone who used the word "coke", it wouldn't be able to.

[spookywhumping]

Whumptober Day 8

No. 8 EVERYTHING HURTS AND I’M DYING | Stomach Pain

“This is your fault!”

“I’m not to blame for your bodily reactions.”

Simon wanted to say more, but before he could, another wave of nausea climbed up his throat and he had to fight it back. He looked away and pressed a hand to his mouth. Dr. Mayhew was back, and staring at him with an insufferable curiosity. Simon really didn’t want to see that expression while he was going through this. It just made him want to punch the doctor, and that wouldn’t work out for him.

“I will admit, I did not anticipate this,” Mayhew said, flipping through a few sheets of paper on his clipboard. “All parts of the drug have previously tested safe and effective. Perhaps something went wrong in the synthesis?”

“Oh? You mean it’s not because of the days-old food this place serves?” Simon drawled. This was followed by a wince as it felt like a small animal began tearing at the inside of his stomach lining. He bit back a whimper and reached over to grab the pillow from his bed, which he wrapped tightly in his arms and bent over. It didn’t do much.

“Hmm.” Mayhew tapped the edge of the clipboard. “The food should be safe enough—I’ve been very clear on keeping variables like mold away, but if there was a slip somewhere along the line—”

“There have been slips, you old bastard,” Simon said through gritted teeth.

“That’s unfortunate,” Mayhew said absentmindedly.

“Unfortun—?!” This time, he couldn’t stop the cry of pain that interrupted his words. He bent over further, almost pressing his forehead against the bare mattress he was sitting on. His hair was damp with sweat. It had been for what must have been a few hours, ever since he woke up to the lump of pain in his stomach.

Mayhew, of course, didn’t react to his suffering. Simon was never sure how to feel about that. There were other staff members in this place that seemed to delight in his pain, and he despised them, but sometimes Mayhew’s blatant lack of caring was worse. The doctor was busy scanning one of the papers on his clipboard. He nodded. “I’ll take note of this,” he said. “Further trials will be needed.”

“Great,” Simon muttered. He loved being used as a lab rat. Really. It was the best. It wasn’t like this was one of the many, many reasons he’d struggled to stay out of Minton. Other reasons being the treatments, the isolation, the way the whole staff and the world outside looked at him—

The mental list of complaints was interrupted by a sudden jab of pain in his stomach. He gasped and clutched the pillow tighter. Nausea soon followed, and suddenly he didn’t want to be sitting upright anymore. He fell to his side, ending up in a fetal position wrapped around the pillow. It felt like his stomach was being yanked and twisted around itself.

Mayhew looked at him and frowned. He looked back down at the clipboard and flipped back to the page on top, where he made a note. Then, without saying anything, he turned to leave.

Simon laughed. Of course he was going to just leave! He always just left him alone with the consequences!

“This isn’t funny,” Mayhew said abruptly, turning around. “This could be the start of something terrible. If this compound ended up as a poison...well. I’ll be keeping an eye on you.”

“You’d hate to lose your favorite inmate, hmm?” Simon said, pressing his teeth together in a fierce smile. “The family would be so disappointed.”

Mayhew’s eyes widened behind his glasses. “What do you—?! Oh. You mean the Underhills. Yes, I suppose they would.” His expression returned to its usual blankness. “Either way. Expect someone to be back soon. Perhaps not me.” And with that, he opened the door and left.

For a moment, Simon wondered what that reaction was about. And then the pain returned, and he couldn’t think of it any more.

[philadelphia-hq]

“You saw the stars out in front of you, too tempting not to touch.”

CORINNE DOWTH

Age: 30 Gender and pronouns: Female, She/Her Occupation: Zookeeper at the Philadelphia Zoo Neighborhood: Fishtown

BIOGRAPHY

tw: childhood neglect, drugs/substance abuse, descriptions of disordered eating

Living a long life before you even turn 21 leaves you exhausted.  Leaves you wanting a simple life.  One filled with creature comforts, a stable job, and if you were lucky, maybe someone to love.  That was happiness after a life of chaos.  But it’s not something Cory would find until she was much older.

Being born to parents who believe you can do anything you want to in life sounds like it should be a gift.  And it is, when said parents believe that sentiment within reason.  But when all you’re fed is sweetness, cavities are inevitable.  --- The Dowths were not responsible parents.  They weren’t bad people by any means, but they were dreamers without a firm grasp on reality, naive in a sense.  They believed their love would keep the lights on and their dreams would keep the fridge stocked.  They loved Cory but they were forgetful and didn’t see the point in some of the time tested statutes of parenting, leaving their young child neglected in the most thoughtlessly insidious of ways.

She was the child that went to school hungry or filled with sugar, not because they didn’t have the money to buy food (although sometimes they didn’t), but sometimes they forgot, or failed to realize that leaving a 6 year old with food that required a stove to cook would only leave you with a hungry child, a burnt pot, and a smoke filled but (thankfully) intact home.  Dirty clothes because they were too involved in their next project to run the wash.  Unbrushed hair because ‘just because every girl has pig tails doesn’t mean you need to, love, express yourself!’.    

Many children in this position would, unfortunately, grow up, and fast.  Learn to take care of themselves.  Cory was not this child.  Instead, she mirrored her parents, doing whatever she wanted, following whatever passing whim caught her eye that week.  Eventually something caught her eye that was more than a whim: ballet.  Looking back, she now realizes it was probably the semblance of routine and rigidity that appealed to her.  But convinced she had found her ‘calling’ and ‘passion’, her parents encouraged her heavily to pursue her ‘dream’ by whatever means necessary.  Eventually, this led to her dropping out of school with the assurance from her parents that she could always get her GED later if she wanted.  

She went wherever the dream took her, doing whatever it asked of her.  It began with commuting to New York City, then moving there, finding a way to pay for the astounding cost of living, spending every moment practicing.  Eventually she settled in, which is perhaps when her life took a turn.  All her life, she had just needed someone to tell her ‘no’, to enforce some rules upon her chaotic decisions.  But before, those decisions were nominal, inconsequential.  But now they were much more than that, and even her strict teachers and trainers didn’t care enough to give her that ruling hand if her actions weren’t affecting her dancing.  So it was fine for her to stay out all night, doing a whole other kind of dancing, because she’d be running on coke and more awake than ever when she rolled into early morning training because she hadn’t even gone to sleep yet.  It was fine that most of her daily calories came from the liquor she imbibed the night before because her food for the rest of the day would consist of a cup of black coffee and whatever snack she could scrounge up, appetite lost from said coke.  Who cared that she got brought in for drunken disorderly when she was released the same night because it wasn’t that bad and she was a pretty blonde minor who got off with a warning and tut tut from the officers?

This pattern continued until she was in her early twenties, until finally someone said something.  It was an old friend from her neighborhood back in Philly, who asked if she wanted to catch up while they visited New York.  Corinne agreed, but then proceeded to show up late and hungover.  She managed to salvage the meet up enough to convince her childhood friend to come out with her that night, only for things to well and truly blow up in her face.  To be honest, to this day Corinne can’t remember most of the night, that is except for the moment she had finished snorting something up her nose, to see the wide, unbelieving eyes of her friend staring down at her.  The conversation started with ‘What happened to you, Cory?’ and ended with her dropping such a truth bomb that Cory wanted to move out of the country and hide her head in shame.

That weekend was a rough one, as she dried to dry out and answer that exact question.  It was then she realized she had found rock bottom’s sub-level basement and had been living in it.  And sure, she didn’t move out right away, but she started looking for new places to live, so to speak.  There were setbacks, but after some time and way too much thinking, Cory made her decision.  She upped and quit dancing, moved back to Philly, got her GED, started school, got a shitty job, and started to live a life that sure, might not always feel fun, but was one she realized she was proud to live.  Eventually, she graduated, got an internship and later a job at the Philly Zoo and started in on that life.  --- Things have been strained with her parents ever since, both due to the fact they not so subtly love to imply that she gave up on her ‘dream’ and sold out, but also because she started going to therapy, and has made several large realizations about her childhood.

Some might say she over corrected in life, now the picture of responsibility and sometimes boredom.  And perhaps they aren’t wrong, maybe she is still finding that happy middle between following every impulse and settling in, but it’s called the happy middle for a reason.  

CORINNE DOWTH has the face claim of HOLLIDAY GRAINGER and is played by MAURA.