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redemptiionss · 6 months

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Sometimes I just think there’s something deeply wrong with me idk

#txt #where did this fear of forming attachments come from #and my fear of being in committed relationship with someone #and just etc #idk I think I’m destined to die alone lol #lol #and not to mention the ✨depression✨#seriously my life is just work home work home every day #and on weekends I just don’t go anywhere except to the damn grocery store #but also I’m always just too tired to do anything outside of that #sometimes I don’t really enjoy work #but it’s also the only thing that gets me up in the mornings during the week #and I’m getting older. I’m not getting any younger #who am i gonna want? I have not had any interest in any guy/man in a long time lol #and frankly it’s hard for me if I don’t trust men #I guess the truth is that I have no love for men irl #don’t get me wrong. I’m a straight woman. who’s unfortunately had unpleasant experiences with men in the past lol #but anyways. also with me getting older. who’s gonna want me lol.#also there’s the added factor of me being Deaf 😂 there was never really a lot of fish in the sea for me to begin with

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ricky-mortis · 4 months

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A portrait of Sir John Herschel because I‘m normal about Pulp Musicals

#yall don’t understand this took so long- amongst the five different versions this went through it took a total of 22 hours #and it’s finally done #god I love sir John Herschel #truly THE guy ever #it’s crazy because I started this way back in the beginning of April and finally picked it back up on Wednesday right before they announced #pulp 4 which I’m so fuckin excited about by the way #oh my god it’s going to wreck me I’m so pumped #and now I gotta get ready for pulp fortnight #but yeah I really wanted to draw him and I wanted to try something more elaborate that some of my typical stuff #I was going to do the shit where artists do the shading in greyscale and then overlay the flat colors but I decided fuck that #because I like to enjoy drawing and as I found out I DO NOT enjoy that #also for some reason doing realism and drawing curt is SO much harder than what I typically do #it took sooooooo long to get him down and make it actually look like him #oh hey fun fact about this drawing before I do my fun fact- I used a screenshot of Duke as a reference for this #ok now for a real fun fact #fun fact: Asteroids can sometimes have moons and rings of their own #alright now I’ve got a billion other drawings to go work on because the grind never stops yall #sir john herschel #john herschel #pulp musicals #the great moon hoax #the brick satellite #the ghost of the antikythera #Curt mega #my art #god yall I love pulp musicals #I’m so insanely pumped for pulp 4 it’s going to be the raddest thing ever #EVERYONE WHO IS READING THIS NEEDS TO GO LISTEN TO PULP MUSICALS PRONTO /nf #PLEASE (its on Apple Music and Spotify)

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quietwingsinthesky · 4 months

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the doctor is emotionally manipulative. he’s very good at it, and even better at justifying it both to himself and the people he’s doing it to. he can see when his approval, his affection, is valuable enough to someone that withholding it will be an effective way of getting them to do what he wants. this is one of his best flaws, that he’ll do this to people and do it to them for his own definition of what’s good for them.

(gestures vaguely) twissy.

#I LIKE THIS ABOUT HIM. I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO KEEP SAYING THAT. I like this. its a very good flaw. its very consistent.#its there in all iterations of him (that i’ve seen)#in early episodes with rose he’ll get angry and emotionally withdrawn when she pokes at his trauma. and he knows that it’ll work because in #her own words: don’t argue with the designated driver.#he does it to jack like. a lot in utopia. his judgment only has so much sway over jack because jack is Obsessed with him and he knows that.#jack unsettles him. he uses that control to feel less unsettled. especially when he can’t do it to the actual threat of that finale: the #master. (though. he tries. that’s what the whole ‘i forgive you’ thing is about.)#eleven is practically Made of this impulse. he does it to amy. he does it to river. he does it to rory to a much lesser extent but that’s #because rory has. a vague idea? of how to have healthy boundaries. if not with amy then at least with the doctor.#that’s why his speech about people wanting to impress the doctor making him dangerous is so important. rory can See what he’s doing.#and twelve. obviously. does this to clara. clara also does it right back. this is why they are made for each other alsjjfgjakdj.#and. he does it to missy. because. and i cannot emphasize this enough. he keeps her. in a box.#I ENJOY THIS ABOUT HIM. HE’S A FUCKED UP LITTLE GUY!!!! WITH ISSUES ABOUT HOW HE REALLY REALLY WANTS TO IMPOSE HIS OWN MORALITY ONTO PEOPLE #HE KNOWS HE SHOULDNT BUT HE ALSO GETS FRUSTRATED AND HE DOES IT ANYWAY!!!!#and sometimes it’s unintentional. sure. sometimes it *really really* isn’t though. like.#and sometimes it’s both. sometimes it’s the result of him lashing out and reaching for a familiar coping mechanism in the moment.#but the point is the doctor does this.#doctor who

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theswedishpajas · 6 months

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The man truly can’t take a genuine compliment 🙄

#my art stuff #digital art #baldur's gate 3 #bg3 #astarion #astarion ancunin #this is part of a series I like to call “I’m never settling on a singular detailed artstyle”#I have no consistency in drawing realistic people/characters other than my shapy cartoon style #but I truly don’t get enough opportunity to properly shade anything with art in that style-!!! it always looks weird to me-!!!!!#I think some rude lil worm in my brain is wriggling around telling me it’s a futile attempt at still doing realism #cus I’m one of those “gifted” artists that grew up promising his parents he’ll end up among the big names or whatever #constantly training to become better at art but with realism oil paintings as the goal #you know how it is 😔#I wanna shade my lil funky designs but they never feel good enough to really put energy into or whatever so I compromise with stuff -#- like this where I try to draw characters more accurately while still stylizing them and shading them however I feel like it #which is great and all but I should really learn to give my more relaxed and less perfectionist art a chance #I deserve to enjoy the process and the result without working myself dead #it’s so much easier and rewarding to copy cartoon styles - stylizing realism makes me too anxious of doing it “wrong”#at least cartoon styles give me a goal to reach or a reference to strive towards #man I really should just cut myself some slack altogether #either way - this man is a flustered mess and he’s embarrassed about being called adorable in public or something #being teased in an affectionate way about his sweeter side and stuff #don’t ask why he’s shirtless - anatomy is just a lot more fun for me to draw sometimes #tasteful nudity and all that is extremely gorgeous to me #i need to practice anatomy more cus I just kinda did some shit and went with it this time with a BIT of consideration for muscle structure

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clingylilhoneybee · 2 months

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Bleh

#I gotta rant n I don’t really have a place but here lol #but man is my past relationship weighing heavy on me today #(caveat of pls don’t be weird and make this his problem)#but I still just feel so lost over it #like obviously breaking up with no ill will is the ideal situation #but being forced to confront that someone you spent so much of your life growing with #can just decide they don’t like you like that anymore #like there was distance for a while before the breakup #that I don’t hold against him at all #but reflecting on the first several years of our relationship compared to the last 6months or so #feels like night and day #like you can go from someone being obsessed with you and you obsessed with them #enjoying all the parts of growing into adults together #to just feeling so unwanted bc the reality is they stopped wanting you a while ago #like going from telling friends my only holdup on polyamory was that I didn’t know if I could love another person as much as them #to having to bring to their attention that it wasn’t okay that I came to their family’s house n all he said was hi to me for the first hour #and then confronting that you didn’t do anything wrong #that shit just happens sometimes and neither of you knew how to navigate it #and fuck it makes me so scared for future relationships #because how can you not be scared when you can lose such intense love as the result of a few years passing #I almost wish it had been something I did :/#bc at least then I knew what to work on and mitigate going forward #but I can’t stop people just..#not liking me anymore

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transgendercastiel · 6 months

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it’s so hard out here as an abedison disliker

#the truest repairman posts #These tags are long as shit sorry #im not fandom tagging this one because it’s not really about that it’s more like.#Guys I don’t see it…#At ALL #and obviously I know why I don’t but it feels like sometimes I’m just pulling the “can’t people be friends” card which sucks #And is NOT the argument I’m trying I can assure you #I don’t see it in a romantic or even. Even a qpr way??#They just seem like friends to me?#Even then I always see people singing the praises of their dynamic in s6 (obviously helped by the fact that Alison and Danny are friends #which is lovely obviously) but even then ehhhh. It’s not that compelling #They’re friends and I appreciate their relationship the same as I enjoy the rest of the group and their interpersonal connections #The things people point out to just come across personally like character moments between them? Not romantic in the slightest?#Even when they kissed- usually I can find a lot of appreciation for canon relationships in shows I like #Even if I disagree with the characterisation #But it really just felt like capital N Nothing to me #Also #As I’ve made very clear #I am a lesbian Annie truther 100%#I just don’t think I could ever read her another way without taking out the foundation of her character in my mind #And idk I dig non binary abed perspectives but they aren’t the ones I tend to examine the show with #Any more than I use the perspective that he’s queer as in peculiar as much as queer as in Queer #All this said 100% respect to the abedison shippers out there you do excellent work #It’s just not for me #Anti abedison #I want to clarify this post is NOT anti abedison at all but I don’t want people who are just having a nice time to have to see this

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whentherewerebicycles · 6 months

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I woke up at 6am still feeling so bad about this work sitch ugh I journaled about it at length but still cannot quite expel the feelings. my dynamic with this person has been so weirdly, inexplicably fraught for months now with so much personal criticism and weird, out-of-left-field lashing out, and I’m like has this been pregnancy related the whole time? all of this energy I’ve expended trying to read this person’s mind slash anticipate what she’ll get suddenly and inexplicably angry with me about slash be two steps ahead of her in my work at all times slash cover every single base three times over in hopes that maybe she won’t pick my work to pieces this time… like was all that for nothing? because I’m pregnant and the only way I could appease her/win her over is by not being pregnant? or am I just a bad employee and every little thing she criticizes me for is legitimate feedback I should take seriously!!! I feel like I am just doing these endless exhausting loops in my mind aghhhh and it’s making me feel crazy.

#I think I also feel extra doubtful of myself because in my previous job my team lead also treated me like this #so now I’m like maybe I’m just a bad employee and people don’t like me #but then if I look at the whole arc of my professional trajectory #both of those situations seem like outliers #and at both jobs I had multiple people outside of my direct supervisor who explicitly told me they enjoyed working with me #so IDK there are always things I can be better about!!! I know I’m too assertive and solutions-oriented sometimes!!!#but also I think that the level of criticism and the emotional tenor of that criticism feels really not reflective of the quality of work #agh ok. ok. I need to clear my head

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sweetandglovelyart · 2 months

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Me, too busy with grad school to participate, watching everyone else in the Kirby fandom participate in the OC tournament and art fight

#text post #I wish I could have joined in but I’m an overworked stressed out grad student lmao #I forget if I’ve mentioned this on here before but I’m working on getting my PhD #I hopefully only have a year or so left before I get it and then I’ll be Doctor Sweet #this is going to be a stressful year oh boy 🥲 grad school is lowkey kind of killing me I hope I can finish in the next year #I like what I study it’s just a lot mentally at times and I’ve been feeling kind of depressed lately #I feel bad that I take so long to post art on my blog and update my comic #I really do enjoy drawing Kirby stuff I’ve just got a lot going on in real life and am not always feeling the best mentally #so sometimes I don’t have the time or the mental energy to draw but I am working on the next comic page! I have one panel left to do for it #I’m hoping to post it by this coming weekend Meta Knight starts fighting Whispy on this next page #thank you everyone for your patience it means a lot to see people liking my stuff even if I take forever to post it #I have so much stuff I want to draw and share but not enough time or energy to do it 🥲

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fingertipsmp3 · 6 months

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Also I can’t figure out if my life genuinely does suck or I’m just having an existential crisis because my period starts in approximately 48 hours

#it does make me worse ngl. i wish i could just yeet my uterus #i was just starting to think about how all my days are the same and it’s boring and i’m boring #and i never see anybody or meet new people or make new friends #working from home is all well and good until it makes you want to [redacted]#and you all can say ‘just leave your house!’ as much as you want but living in a small town and having no car is not really conducive #to getting myself out there #i mean my town literally has about a dozen businesses and half of them are sad pubs. the others are like hair salon; co-op; church; butcher #2 takeaways. and yeah there’s parks but all of them are kind of dire #maybe i could start getting the bus places. going somewhere else. idk #i have been thinking about taking a trip but wherever i go i still take myself and it’s like i’m in this state of permanent malaise #too nervous to talk to anyone and too impatient to linger anywhere or enjoy anything #everything i do i rush through so i can do something else #and i think amongst it all i’m just reckoning with the fact that i’m never going to be remarkable. i mean neither is anyone else really #but i always thought i’d write a novel or become a college professor or something but i’m not smart enough and i don’t have enough words #or ideas in me. not really. i’m not a creative i’m just an imitator. always have been #and i could live with being unremarkable because we all are in the cosmic universe but i still don’t think i can live with rotting #in my hometown. but then it’s like how do i get out?#i signed up for an online course just to vary things a bit. just to get some enrichment in my enclosure #it’s this slow realisation that i thought i Wanted to work at home. i thought i liked the peace of it. just me and the computer screen #but no i like to work outside and then come back to my home as my sanctuary. i have to leave it sometimes to really appreciate it #but no one wants to hire me for an intellectual job because i’m not actually that smart. and my body is too broken to work in hospitality #anymore. or is it. i mean for god’s sake i can run three times a week but i don’t trust myself to be able to stand for hours #i’m thinking about throwing myself on the mercy of my old boss like hey. i fucked up. do you have any shifts for me? i’ll do weekends #i just don’t want to lose my fucking mind #maybe i’ll text her tomorrow. the worst thing she can say is no #personal

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void-tiger · 6 months

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Actually…? No. Tell me the odds. I need the likelihood of success and got nothing else to lose might as well try even if extremely unlikely. Because I need help sustaining the hope that everything’s gonna be okay and motivation to get there that I just can’t do for myself without burning out almost completely.

#tiger’s musings #mental health bullshit #…I am just. overwhelmed #by not knowing how to make this work #and being unable to beat the ED keeping me from taking the two steps that I DO know exist #because…I need a moral support body double. and one who won’t get disgusted as my lid flips the whole time I try to do this #and…I just can’t see someone WANTING to MAKE time for me. a small pocket. for us to both relax and catch our breath and enjoy eachother #I’m tired of ‘oh we’re totally friends Tiger!’ but. are we tho?#you set time aside for friends to either just. talk. share memes. or hang out no matter how infrequently #guess my love language really IS quality time #in addition to being very touch starved for Platonic Human Intimacy #and a side of acts of service. because…my chronic illness(es) force me to rely on others #beyond ‘I’d scratch your back if asked. can you please return the favor sometime so I don’t feel used.’#…I’m just. I’m tired. I’m tired of giving out love platonically and feeling Liked but Disregarded #while things also falling apart when I’ve either decided to leave or have to leave due to neutral circumstances or because I’m hurting #I…feel like I’m being Expected to be the one to reach out…again…over Just a misunderstanding #but if I do. it has to be with ‘look I KNOW we miscommunicated but THIS is what hurt me and I NEEDED That acknowledged or clarified’#but…the circumstances that led to the method being blamed for this miscommunication still. y’know. exist #so…what’s the point

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duvewing · 1 year

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genuinely speaking there is nothing wrong with criticizing rwby. i have more than my fair share of issues with it and engaging in critical discussion about it is good. there is also nothing wrong with disliking rwby. but if it gets to a point where you still watch the show and you think it’s actively making you more miserable and it irritates you to see people even just casually enjoying it, then maybe it’s a sign to seek greener pastures.

even if you say that you’re still so invested that you gotta see how it ends. the sunk cost fallacy cannot physically manifest in your house and hold a gun to your head to force you to watch rwby.

#saint.txt #like i don’t even mean this in a mean way #it’s GOOD to be critical of the show even if sometimes people are not going to agree. it’s GOOD to identify its flaws and engage with them #in an honest way. and people can experience the show in any way that works best for them #but if it gets to a point where you kind of just actively hate the show and its fanbase to the point where you don’t even like seeing #anyone even just casually enjoying it then i think it’s worth just moving on #and i understand that for a lot of people it might just be more complex than just getting up and leaving #and that sometimes some people might stick around for other reasons than actually actively enjoying the show #but idk i’ve seen people say that they’re only sticking around to use rwby as their guideline as for what NOT to do in media #and if that’s how you view it then that is your personal right. i just think it’s just a pretty bleak relationship to have with media #like wouldn’t it bring you more joy to dissect the things you DO actively like and enjoy and strive toward that instead #and again. criticizing the show is good. disliking it in general is not indicative of anyone’s morals #but at some point if it’s just making you feel more and more miserable and you feel like there’s really no salvaging it #then it’s okay to just move on for your sake #if it sucks hit da bricks or whatever that skeleton said

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fortes-fortuna-iogurtum · 2 years

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I am trying so hard to save money lately, but it is so hard, especially when there are so many things that make me want to spend. the latest temptation is that I really would love to participate in a Make-Along this spring, but don’t know if I can justify spending $60+ on the yarn kit for it (especially when I already have a whole closet-full of yarn from my workplace from when we had a big inventory clear-out last year)

#I’ve never done a make along and I just think it would be super fun?? a fun thing to keep me motivated and give some low-key enjoyment #and a way to destress over the next few months (which are guaranteed to be hectic and stressful)#and there’s a super cool mystery make along gearing up right now that looks really fun #and if I don’t end up liking the finished product I’d be more than happy to gift it to someone else #and there’s both a crochet and knit version of the pattern #and while I would *rather* do the knitted one (I just seem to enjoy knitting more lately for some reason?) the price for that kit is at #least double the price for the crochet one #so I think I could just resign myself to doing the crochet version and it would all be fine. but I’m still stuck trying to figure out if I #can justify dropping $60 for it 🙃#the one thing I’m telling myself could help make it worthwhile is that I really cannot crochet while watching tv as easily as I can knit #but I *can* listen to audiobooks #and my Read The Bible In A Year plan is using an audio Bible #so maybe I could promise myself that I’m only going to listen to my Bible readings while I work on this project and it could be a #good motivator for me?#idk girls. decisions are silly and dumb. love having a free will and all that but sometimes it’s irritating as all get-out.#especially when it comes to these little goofy probably-inconsequential things that I always manage to agonize over forever :P #gurt says stuff

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motleyfam · 2 years

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Just wanted to say I love your fics so much, especially the ones that focus on Tim and Jason! A lot of their fics on ao3 are really triggering for me because of the way Jason treats Tim in them and the whole fanon pit madness thing so I enjoy your brotherly and affectionate take on their relationship. Please keep writing more of them ❤️❤️❤️

I’m glad you’re enjoying them! I have a lot of fun writing them 💚

#honestly this is really sweet and helpful to hear #because characterization is hard #and there’s canon support for a lot of different characterizations #but it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking ‘well this person wrote more accurate to current canon so their work is better’#but like #I also don’t particularly like writing relational angst?#I’ll read it sometimes #when I’m in a place where I can handle that #and I have MAD RESPECT to the authors who can portray that well #but it’s not something I generally enjoy writing about #and I LOVE that fandom gives us the option to either explore that aspect of their characters #or to avoid it #while still having canon support for our choices #idk i just think it’s neat

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cetoddle-archive · 1 year

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therapy was interesting she kinda just out of nowhere asks if i like writing and i was hesitantly like….yes……and she got all excited she was like you should really pursue that. i think that’d be great for you. and i was like thank you but why are you saying this. i don’t remember exactly what she said cause i think i blacked out a little but basically said im very well spoken and deliberate with my word choice and she said she’d have been very surprised if i said i don’t write at all

#im trying to remember what exactly she was saying but my brain kind of short circuited #i was like oooo im being praised i think this is great -w- and barely processed what she was saying #i told her a little bit about all the work i’ve already done on some of my projects and she seemed genuinely impressed ..#but maybe she was just being nice..but then she yells at me when i say things like that #so i guess i’m going to choose to believe she was being genuine because she’d yell at me for thinking otherwise #she’s really encouraging me to continue writing and i’m stressed ;-;#she asked why i don’t consider pursuing it more seriously someday and i was like well #i just don’t think it’s realistic #she asked why and i kinda just.#well laurie i don’t actually know i just feel it in my bones i suppose #she went >:(#i told her a little bit about the kind of stuff i like to write and she got all sad cause i enjoy writing horror stuff #she’s like aw :( i’ll never be able to read any of your stuff i get scared so easily :(#that made me actually laugh for real #maybe this comes as a surprise to some of u i talk abt it sometimes but i do actually write short stories a lot #i just have literally never shared them with another living soul cause i’m fairly certain they’re SHIT. but i do it #i stay silly !!!!#sigh…#id like to have told her more about my bigger projects but whenever ppl do try and ask abt it #i just freeze up like oh it’s silly..it’s just something i do as a hobby irs nothing serious don’t mind me…#😖#i like writing but i don’t like talking about my writing #anywaysss #snow.txt

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niallandtommo · 2 years

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#sometimes it hits me that we have to go to work for the rest of our lives #we go to work we eat and sleep we get a few days off and that’s it #i’m not made for this world #i don’t care about my career and i’m not good at anything #i’m not passionate about anything i don’t really have any hobbies #it feels like i will never find my place in this world and it scares me #and i know your 20s are weird and stupid and i know i’m still young #but how am i supposed to enjoy life if nothing gives me joy #i don’t wanna make it through the day i wanna enjoy it #i don’t wanna count down the days or hours until something good happens #i don’t wanna waste my time being miserable all day every day #are the little things really enough? is it worth it to have 2 good days and 50 bad ones?#for the past 2 years i’ve been feeling so stuck and lost and miserable i don’t know what to do anymore #and even if i get this new job i have no idea if i’m gonna like it #i’m always so anxious and worried about everything #and i’m really fucking scared #scared that i will never find a job that i like scared that i’m gonna die alone scared that i will do something i regret #scared that i will never be happy #why is life so tucking hard i didn’t sign up for this

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bumfool · 1 year

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through my years on this website i have become jaded to huge multiparagraph posts about why a piece of media is transcendant and exemplifies the beauty of the human life struggle. i am anti media. delete it all. begone

#bumfool blathers #it’s either anime or animated #star trek can stay #star trek lower decks can have a kiss on the cheek #fallout new vegas can stay #80s-90s-00s indie comics can stay #i think to be tbh honest i have this tendency towards ignoring or avoiding when people get passionate n emotional abt a work of fiction #which is a stunning display of hypocrisy bc i am very adhd and have had plenty of my own media hyperfixations #and also media in which i have non-adhd levels of interest #but i really struggle to think of a work of fiction i could make a several hour long video essay abput #throughout which i sound like i am on the verge of tesrs many times #idk i also have felt anhedonic for like half of my life after age fourteen #let people enjoy things #i know i know #but god i am so trapped in my own brain sometimes #as are we all #i don’t get hardcore punk either #get a new drum beat loser #this is my Hateful Post

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